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“It’s never too late”What a thing to say! Said with well meaning flippancy and without anything substantial behind it as a father cooked a meal for his son but could there be an element of truth in it?The words pierce the heart and mind of 33 year old Kim Taehyung as he sits at the small table in his father’s kitchen. He moved home six months ago when yet another relationship failed and he quit his job, leaving behind another town, another group of friends and another life.
He’d spent his life searching for something and even when he thought he'd found it, he still didn’t feel complete. It transpired that those he cared about had known who he was and accepted that long before he himself did, which was the biggest problem and once he came to terms with it, he was still lost.“You need to confront the past.”More words of wisdom from the father who had stood by him throughout his life, even when he was messing things up again. The father who sat down with him and told him that it was okay that he wasn’t heterosexual and he loved him regardless. The father who warned him time after time that he needed to speak to someone in order to accept who he was because his life was a timeline of trainwreck after trainwreck.
The father who held him when he lost the love of his life because he couldn’t accept who he really was and only his father could be there for him because he’d kept his relationship and sexuality a secret, even from the father who comforted him regardless. Words unsaid but both knew what was happening.Keeping Jungkook a secret was the biggest mistake of his life and he’d paid the price for it.The attraction to Jungkook started sixteen years ago when they were in high school. At seventeen years old, hormones were playing havoc with his mind and body. He felt ‘something’ when he watched cheerleaders in their little skirts and became bashful when girls spoke to him. His small group of friends were always talking about the size of a girls butt or whether they were ‘boob men’ or not. He was embroiled in conversations about the latest conquest or whether someone’s girlfriend sucked a bit too hard. The topic of conversation was always about sex and girls and they were often at a baseball game to watch the cheerleaders or peering through the windows of the dance studio when a ballet warm up was going on. That was his life and that obviously meant he was straight, just like his friends… or not.Outwardly, life was as it always had been but inwardly, doubts started creeping in. One of his friends shared a new porn website he’d found and the group were thankful, all planning on checking it out. When Taehyung looked at it, an initial search through videos led him to a threesome, two women and a man. When he’d shared it with the group they’d cheered him on for finding the dream but the next time Tae looked, he found himself watching another threesome but this time, two men and a woman… and it wasn’t the woman that gave him a hard on. He didn’t share that with his friends, embarrassment creeping in, ramped up when the videos he was masturbating to had no females in them at all.Tae could keep it all under wraps. It was a dirty little secret of shame that he could indulge in without anyone knowing…… and then Jeon Jungkook joined the cheerleading team and life suddenly became a lot tougher. Tae was no longer watching the girls in their cropped vests and tiny skirts. His eyes were trained on Jungkook and he realised there was a stark difference between the something he thought he'd felt when watching the cheerleaders before, to what he actually felt when watching them with their new male lead. But his friends could never know, no one could know because it would mean he wouldn't fit in.
Being heterosexual was the right thing, the normal thing, the thing that allowed society to accept him and offer him a place within it.Jeon Jungkook was gorgeous. His dark chocolate hair was floppy and caused the temperature to rise when he flicked his fringe from his face or ran his fingers through it. He was athletically built without being a muscle bunny. He was always smiling and laughing and at certain times his nose scrunched and his eyes wrinkled, showing his teeth and causing more of a reaction inside Tae. Jungkook’s large, almond shaped eyes were always gleaming. He was so, so pretty… prettier than any of the cheerleading squad but that was something else that Tae could never have said out loud.
"Imagine if they did that routine without those little shorts""Just the skirt.""I've got a two hour lesson next, I don't need a boner."Comments like that accompanied quiet shoving, shoulder to shoulder in the friendship group watching but the redness in Tae’s cheeks had nothing to do with the context of the conversation… Jeon Jungkook had looked their way and he was sure he looked directly at him. And that was the spark that lit the fuse.***When Tae moved back, six months ago, he considered himself a failure. His Father waited for him at the bus stop and helped carry one of three large duffle bags which is all he had to show for his life. He threw the bags into the corner of his bedroom that looked exactly the same as it did when he was 18. His Father gave him the same chat that he always did about this being 'the last time' and how he really needed to get a grip of his life or before he knew it he'd be 40 and still unhappy. His Father travelled many times to help Tae move as he left each place for what was always basically the same reason. With each move there was hope that this was it. It was the same formula of settling in, getting a job, meeting new people, checking the dating app or meeting people at said new workplace, going on dates, getting into a relationship then eventually the thing that has been missing is still blatantly missing… rinse and repeat.This time was different though because he was actually moving back… back to his home city… back to where he grew up… back to where some of his high school and university friends were… back to the house that held all the secrets of his sexuality before he was open about who he was… back to where he was likely to see Jeon Jungkook again.

----- CHAPTER BREAK -----

Checklists were important. Tae started one when he was on the long bus journey home six months ago. At the top of that list was a job and after several interviews, he finally had one. At university he studied art and photography but those things were really just hobbies and he was never going to make a career out of it. He sold his camera equipment and got a better mobile phone instead, which served his needs, even if the albums on his phone were simple reminders of the failed relationships he’s had and the many places he’s lived. He hadn’t sketched or painted anything since graduating but found solace in creative writing instead. The locked notes on his phone contained poems and lyrics to songs that would never be sung. He was never a musician but always imagined that one day a singer might be looking for a song and would sing something he’d written. The thing was that no one knew about the locked notes or his creative writing so it was a dream in his head alone… just like his relationship with Jungkook had been.There was so much unfinished and he was still a coward. Getting a job was the easy part. The next thing on his list was to meet up with the only person he’d kept in touch with. When he moved… no… when he ran away… he’d deactivated his Instagram and cut ties with everyone.
Everyone except Jung Hoseok. He was the fitness instructor/boxing trainer/gym guru who taught Zumba classes at a gym and healed souls with his smile. He dropped out of university shortly after he’d met Tae, unable to deal with being unapologetically bisexual in a straight group of friends with parents who wanted him to attend therapy. He struggled to hide the side of him that felt an attraction to other males and everyone expected him to do just that. He went off the rails for a bit, left home, moved into a shelter and started working emptying bins and cleaning equipment at a gym. The owner of the gym saw how hard Hoseok worked and helped him with a course to become an instructor and then introduced him to his own son. The gym owner’s son was flirtatious and openly gay. His eyes sparkled and he danced around the gym in ballet gear, always too close to Hoseok and it wasn’t long before Jimin danced his way into Hoseok’s heart.Tae liked Hoseok. When they first met, aged 19 and 20, Tae was embarrassed because he’d sneaked into the sports hall to watch the cheerleading practice with the aim to snatch some time with Jungkook but Hoseok sat next to him and started talking to him. Tae panicked that day, made excuses and left the hall. It sparked some kind of friendship with Hoseok but he didn’t see the look on Jungkook’s face as he hurried away.“You haven’t aged a bit.” Hoseok beamed as he entered the cafe that had recently closed up.
“Liar. You look older than you do in your photos, Hobi.” Tae says with a grin. Hoseok, aka ‘Hobi’ might have been the only person he kept in touch with but the friendship was conducted via distance.
“In that case, I’m shocked you recognised me after twelve years.”“I said you look older, not unrecognisable.”“It’s good to see you again… properly, instead of on that little screen.”The friends embrace and Hobi takes a seat at the counter. The name of the coffee shop was ‘O Clock’ and it was a well known, upmarket barista that served the local community well. Tae liked it as soon as he entered the place for his interview. It always had music playing and it catered for a huge variety of people from muscle bunnies who came in for their protein shakes and macro lunches to school teachers needing an espresso before work. There were a lot of local retail workers who visited during their lunch break and they usually caught the office workers who stopped off before catching the tube or bus home.
“Coffee?” Tae asks.“Decaf latte, thanks. If I have caffeine at this time of night I’ll never get any sleep.”“That’s because we are old. Well, you are old.”“I’m only a year older than you.”“Are you sure? It’s more than a year but not quite two.” Tae replies with a grin, bustling around as he gets to grips with the coffee machine.Hobi shakes his head. He might be close to 35 but he felt 25. He kept himself in great shape thanks to his job and a healthy sex life. He’d been with Jimin officially for thirteen years and in that time his parents had come around to the idea of their son being in a relationship with a man. They’d all worked hard to find a way through and with the help of Jimin’s father, they managed to make it work. Hobi couldn’t imagine being with anyone else now. Jimin was slightly shorter than he was, jet black shaggy hair and a smile that still made his insides quiver. It was the love of a good man that gave Hobi the confidence to be proud of who he was and he always wanted the same for his friend Tae.“I would’ve made it down here before now but the gym has been crazy busy.”Tae places a latte on the counter, the base of the glass announcing its arrival as it connects with the surface. “I’ve been busy learning the ropes here, it’s fine.”“I’m surprised you work in a coffee place. You never drink coffee.”“I work mostly on food and I don’t mind the smell of coffee.”“Anything else ticked off on that list of yours?”
“A few things.”“That doesn’t include meeting me?”“I’ve got a job.”“Tae, you’ve never had trouble finding a job since you left this place twelve years ago. You still haven’t told me what happened and why you came back.” Hobi didn’t believe in digging for information so when Tae told him he was returning home, he didn’t ask. He was the only one who waved him off, along with Tae’s father, twelve years ago. Hobi and Mr Kim had stood on the platform of the train station, with only an hour’s notice when Tae decided he needed to escape. They’d known each other for less than two years and it was a pretty disjointed friendship with both of them having their own battles going on but Hobi maintained contact with him and the once a month texts became weekly calls. Tae was glad of Hobi as his life periodically crashed around him and he moved again because the weekly calls were the only consistent thing in his life aside from his Father.“The boss’s son and I split up. He didn’t take the news so well.”“That was it?”Tae shrugs his shoulders, “He didn’t like being dumped. He threw me out and his Eomma gave me two months wages and sacked me.”“Why did you dump him?"“I wasn’t feeling it anymore.”
“Is that what you told him?”“Yeah? What else was I going to say?”“Two years and sharing an apartment and that was your reason?”“I wasn’t going to lie to him.”“I did wonder why you weren’t distraught… I’ve only seen that once…” Hobi raises his eyebrows.“Do you want another latte? We’ve got another hour or so before they lock up and throw us out.”“Is he on your checklist?”“Decaf?”“Tae… please tell me you aren’t still in denial? Just because you are out and proud now doesn’t mean you can discount the three years you were with Jungkook.”“Hobi… decaf?” Tae sighs and takes his friend’s empty glass.“Sure… thanks. Look, you know I don’t poke around for information but tell me you can acknowledge that relationship?”“What good will that do? I say it out loud and it doesn’t change a thing.”“Have you said it out loud?”“I wouldn’t know what to say. It’s hard to admit that I broke someone’s heart.”“You’ve broken loads of hearts.”“But none of those mattered.”“So, is Jungkook on your checklist?”“It’s been twelve years, Hobi. When I left, he was the most gorgeous man in the city. He’d just graduated and had plans to start up his own business. There was hardly an abundance of gay guys and I bet he was snapped up. He deserved better and I hope he found it.”“Oh fuck off, Tae! You do not hope he is happy with someone else… do you? You couldn’t give him what he wanted so you ran away.”“I don’t know what I hope…” Tae puts another latte down in front of his friend and leans on the counter, “... It feels so wrong to hope he’s single and what sort of arrogant idiot does that make me if I even think he would give me a chance?”“So… you do want a chance?”“Yes… no… maybe? Twelve years, Hobi… TWELVE! That’s a long time.”“Why return if you have no plans to see him?”“He lives on the other side of town, if he’s still here, so it’s hardly likely that I’ll bump into him.”“But you’ve thought about it?”“Every day for the last twelve years and dreamt about it, too.”“What’s stopping you? You’ve already been back for six months.”“I need to get my life sorted out, Hobi. Things ended really badly and I need to prepare myself.”“You didn’t tell me what happened there either…”“I’ve not told anyone because it breaks my heart all over again… I can see his face… the tears, the pain… and like you said… I ran away.”Hobi finishes his drink and heads home. There was a lot to tell his friend but he had to tread carefully. The first day they met in the sports hall, he’d presumed automatically that Tae and Jungkook were a couple, confused when Tae vehemently denied it, he wasn’t ‘like that’. Hobi might have been battling his own problems but for him, it was everyone else who was causing the issue… not himself. He watched from afar but it wasn’t until the day he waved Tae off at the train station that he knew he was right. It was years later and once Tae officially came out that the secret relationship with Jungkook was spoken about. Speaking to Tae about his first love was like getting blood out of a stone and Hobi still didn’t know everything.
What he did know was that Tae was back and it was time to stop running. As he sat on the bus, looking out into the night, he sent his friend a text:HOBI: Jungkook is single. Thanks for the lattes.

----- CHAPTER BREAK -----

It was hard work scouring Pinterest for the photo of someone Tae could use as his profile picture for his dating profile. After Hobi’s text he’d absorbed the information and wondered if Jungkook was actively dating? He’d promised himself that he would steer clear of dating apps but whilst laying in bed he’d created a basic dating profile on the app so he could perform a search and shouldn’t have been surprised that his filters showed Jungkook as an option. The thing was that he couldn’t swipe or message unless he created a more in depth profile and he knew that he couldn’t really be himself as he doubted Jungkook would like him back. His thought process led him to using a random guy’s picture with his own information and his plan was to get his ex to talk to him. If he could just get into conversation with him, he could hopefully lay the groundwork.

Years ago, sending text messages used to be the only way he communicated with Jungkook. Tae had him as ‘JJ’ in his phone contacts so no one knew who he was talking to. He loved the conversations they had late at night and often fell asleep with his phone in his hand. He liked the way he felt when they were with their own group of friends but in the same area and they exchanged secret messages which usually made him blush. He would read the message then look around the room to see where Jungkook was, butterflies erupting in his stomach to signify the eye contact when he found him.

But being gay wasn’t normal or positive and he would no longer fit in with his straight group of friends so ‘JJ’ was often referred to as ‘she’ and ‘her’ and soon became a girl he’d met online. His friends wanted pictures of her so Tae found a girl online and took her pictures which he showed them. It felt good to talk about ‘JJ’ and his friends were so happy for him, keen for the day they could meet her.

They’d exchanged numbers at a party in the first few weeks of starting university. Jungkook’s friends and Tae’s friends all went to the same university so that stage of their lives was just an extension of high school. They might’ve chosen different courses and different career paths but their social groups remained the same. The first month of university was one big party. It was the time to meet new people and find your feet in social circles and friendship groups. It was at one of these parties that Tae found himself sitting behind a large concrete planter, full of multi-coloured flowers. Minutes before, he’d been watching Jungkook dancing and the temperature in the room spiked. He needed fresh air, to calm his heart and his arousal before it was noticed so he casually (but quickly) located the nearest exit and found somewhere to sit. He was contemplating returning to his home when the object of his desire walked past him and stood on the fake lawn. No one could see Tae where he was sitting with his back against the concrete planter, hidden from view. He held his breath as he stared at Jungkook’s back, presuming that he was out for fresh air, too.

The night air didn’t feel so fresh anymore. Alcohol made his mind fuzzy and the sensation between his legs had returned as he looked at the man who hadn’t yet turned around. His friends all had their eyes on girls already and the one that Tae said he was after, didn’t make him feel like this and it was only the rear view he could see. He was still holding his breath when Jungkook did turn around and he was obviously startled, not expecting to see someone sitting on the floor.

“Hey, I didn’t know there was anyone else out here.” Jungkook had said. His tone was added to the list of things that turned Tae on.

“Oh… umm… I was… the air… it helped…”

“I’ve seen you around. You went to my high school, right?”

“Umm… y-yeah.”

“I thought so. What are you studying here?”

“Umm… err… art and photography.”

“Any good at editing?”

“Err… y-yeah… I think so?”

“Well, I’m crap. I have this assignment for the end of semester where we have to do a presentation. I could use some help?”

“S-sure… y-yeah.”

“I know we’ve only just met, technically but we aren’t really strangers… right? I think it’s fate that you were out here tonight… I’m Jungkook.”

Tae was stunned. He agreed to swap numbers, head fuzzy, eyes wide at his first interaction with his crush. Jungkook was everything he thought. He was bold and friendly, sociable and confident. Jungkook was also incredibly sexy, effortlessly so and that night at the party, Tae’s world was thrown into chaos and the journey to the biggest mistake of his life began.

***

His dating profile was all set up and he filled his lungs to capacity as he swiped right on Jungkook’s picture. This was the nerve wracking part as he waited for a response. He didn’t search for any other men because he wasn’t interested in another relationship that would be doomed before it ever had the chance. The last twelve years taught him that but he’d hoped to find the man that would change everything, each time feeling that this ‘could be it’.

Yet, it never was.

The therapist told him to learn to love himself, to be comfortable with who he was before he entered into a relationship and he’d worked on that. He got to the stage where he was comfortable being gay and as a consequence, he found people who accepted him and he flourished. It was such a revelation to be able to look at his reflection in the mirror and say ‘I am gay’ after keeping it buried for so long.

Yet, the acceptance of himself felt like it was too little, too late because he’d already lost what he wanted more than anything.

The years he stayed away, he convinced himself that it was partly to protect Jungkook. The break-up was brutal, full of pain and anguish so the least he could do was disappear and allow Jungkook to be free.

Yet, he also knew that staying away meant he was a coward, unable to deal with his sexuality and finding it easier to bury his head in the sand miles away.

There was a period of alcoholism which hadn’t lasted long because Tae didn’t really like alcohol very much so was a dreadful alcoholic. He couldn’t turn to drugs because that shit was scary and so he turned his attention to sex. For three years, he’d only experienced one man and of course he wasn’t really gay so sleeping with women should’ve come easy… but that period of his life was added to the long list of mistakes when several attempts in female company resulted in failure.

One night in a bar that turned out to be a gay bar, an unexpected kiss with a stranger and Tae decided enough was enough. It was draining ignoring the voice in his head and every signal his body was showing him. Ignoring the obvious wasn’t getting him anywhere and the decision was made to check himself into therapy and learn to accept who he was. Everywhere he went, people always assumed he was gay and yet he spent more time denying it which was tiring as it seemed that he was the only one who had a problem with it. He wanted to be ‘normal’ and he thought that meant being straight because that was what the majority of people were and that’s what society told them. In all the movies and dramas, people were straight, in religious stories, it drummed home heterosexuality. Everywhere he looked, there were straight couples showing PDA and no one spoke about being queer.

The journey of self discovery felt like a million years ago but also felt current as he lay on his bed in the dark. The puzzle pieces of his life had all fallen into place… all except one and that was the reason he’d returned. The failure of his last situation and the feeling of groundhog day was overwhelming. He’d found his place in the world as a gay man. He was happy working any job and snapping pictures in his free time. He had a father who loved him and a friend in Hobi, both of whom loved him for who he was. Everyone he came into contact with either accepted him or didn’t but he was who he was and that wouldn’t change.

That one puzzle piece remaining was his love life and he wanted so much to share his life with someone and build a home together. He’d righted all the wrongs aside from one… Jungkook. Twelve years on, he wasn’t sure what was a figment of his imagination though. Was Jungkook as wonderful as he remembered? Was what they had behind closed doors as special as his mind said it was? Were they as perfect for each other as he thought? Memories could become distorted, he knew that and he was open to the possibility that he’d created a dream world scenario in his head simply because he felt there was so much unfinished business there… he needed to apologise for a start.

How do you apologise for breaking someone’s heart when they’d given you everything?

How do you start that conversation when coming face to face could cause more damage by dragging everything up if that person has moved on?

There were so many questions but he wouldn’t be able to rest or move on himself until he had answers. There was also the reality that perhaps he wouldn’t feel anything when face to face with Jungkook? Twelve years without laying eyes on someone, to then expect to feel the same way was a big ask and perhaps that was the most unrealistic part of it all? That worked both ways. It would nose dive anyway if Jungkook didn't feel anything for him anymore and the dating profile was his way to find out… just not as himself.

He could talk himself in or out of anything while laying in the dark, in the same bedroom in which he'd had his first kiss. Tae stayed at home while at university, as did most of his friends as the campus was so close. His father worked late on a Wednesday so Jungkook went there to study. Mr Kim knew he was there and suspected there wasn't any studying going on but he thought his son was 'out' so hadn't given it any real consideration at the start.

Tae was terrified as up until that day of the kiss, he'd been spending time with Jungkook, helping him with his first semester assignment, which was nearly finished. Three months of holding his breath when their fingers touched, when Jungkook sat a little too close and when he had to avoid him at university when he was with his friends, (just in case one of them noticed something). Tae's group knew he'd been helping Jungkook with his assignment but comments to warn Tae to be careful because they knew Jungkook was gay, served as a different kind of warning altogether, whether it was intended as a joke or not.

Eighteen year old Tae was sitting at his desk, palm holding the mouse with Jungkook bent forwards looking over his shoulder. He'd turned his head when he needed to ask Jungkook a question about the transparency of a background and was stopped mid-sentence by the close proximity. The space between them decreased as Jungkook moved towards him and Tae was a deer caught in headlights. The panic manifested as tears gathered in his eyes and he turned his face away.

"I… I'm not… not like that." He'd said, not looking at Jungkook until he moved away.

"I'm sorry, Tae… I thought… I was sure you were gay… I'm so sorry, I'd never have tried to kiss you… I misread the signs."

"It's not you… I…" Tae grabbed Jungkook’s wrist as the athlete went to stand and step back, "... I… don't know… I…"

Tae could still see the moment that it dawned on Jungkook exactly what he was saying. Jungkook looked at him with such understanding, with such empathy.

"Tae, it's okay… have you been kissed before? Has a boy kissed you?"

"No… no one has." He whispered.

"Not even a girl?"

"No… I don't… I… my friends like girls."

"I like you, Tae… do you… do you like me?"

"Yeah… I think… I don't know… I can't be…"

Jungkook was gentle as he used the hand that wasn't resting on the desk supporting his weight, to tuck Tae’s shaggy brown hair behind his ear.

"I can wait. We can take this slow… if you want to?"

Tae was petrified as he nodded his head, his heart thumped loudly like thunder on a stormy night. Jungkook was still bent forwards, one hand on the desk, the other hanging by his side, facing Tae on his swivel chair.

"I won't kiss you until you want me to, okay?"

As Jungkook moved to stand up straight, Tae reached for his wrist again, "I… I want…"

"Tae… do you want me to kiss you?"

Jungkook’s expression was so kind and his voice was so soft. Tae’s heart was in his throat and his pulse thundered in his temples. He must've looked as scared as he felt when he nodded because Jungkook whispered, "Are you sure?" Before Tae nodded again.

Tae swallowed thickly and his breaths felt as if they were out of control as Jungkook gradually lessened the gap between their faces. He didn't know what to expect as he'd only kissed the back of his hand and seen people kiss in K-dramas, movies and pornographic videos. The times that his friends had got it on with girls, he didn't like to stare but he thought it always looked messy and unappealing. He was frozen to the spot as the warmth of Jungkook’s breath coated his mouth and his stomach exploded with butterflies when their lips finally met. Tae didn't move, he remembered to close his eyes but he didn't move. His lips sandwiched Jungkook’s bottom lip perfectly and no sooner had they connected, Jungkook was pulling back.

"Was that okay?"

Tae was blushing as he opened his eyes to see the kind eyes of Jungkook staring back at him with a reassuring smile on his face.

"Y-yeah."

And it was more than okay but the reality of that brought more panic with it. His mind was in chaos and his body knew exactly what it wanted.

Even though his bedroom was dark, Tae closed his eyes to relive the kiss that changed everything. He could see and feel it all but with every memory it was ringed with sadness and he wondered if he would ever get another chance.

The blaring light from his phone made him open his eyes quickly…

… the notification of a new like on the dating app…

… Jungkook liked him.

----- CHAPTER BREAK -----

“How was work?... Tae?... hello?... son?...”

Tae looked up at his Father who was picking mushrooms out of the ramen in his bowl. Tae never understood why he put mushrooms in it in the first place if he didn't like them.

“Huh?”

“Work? How was it?”

“Busy.”

“Are you still employed?”

Tae looks up again, staring blankly, “huh?”

“This is a painful conversation… do you still have a job?”

“Yeah… was there a couple of hours ago.”

“Have you made new friends?”

Tae answers while looking at his phone, “Not really.”

“Anyone else new?”

“Huh?”

“Tae… are you back on that dating app?”

“No?”

“Like you weren’t gay?”

“Yeah?”

“It’s only been six months and yes okay, you’ve got yourself a job and you appear happier than I’ve seen in a long time but I don’t think that dating is a good idea…”

“But… you see…” Tae tries to interrupt and explain.

“... with every failed relationship you’ve moved because you’ve been searching for a fresh start and…”

“Yeah… but…”

“... now you’re home and finally able to be true to yourself. I don’t want another failed relationship to force you away. If I’m honest, you aren’t going to find what you’re looking for until you’ve laid your past with Jungkook to rest… that is the issue. You are searching to replicate what you had with him but you won’t find it because no one is Jungkook so you have to get closure somehow so you can move on.”

“Appa…”

“I’m sorry Taehyung but I’ve watched you self-destruct for years. Even the relationships that lasted over a year were never introduced to me and why is that?”

“Appa…”

“I’ll tell you why… because you were not in those relationships for the long haul… only part of you was committed and you need for all of you to be committed.”

“Appa!”

“No more excuses.”

“I wasn’t going to give you any.”

“I just want you to be happy, son. I know you didn’t ask for my opinion or advice but for days now you’ve had your head stuck in that phone.”

“I was going to tell you…”

“Tell me what?”

“It’s Jungkook.”

“What is?” Mr Kim suddenly isn't sure he's having the same conversation as his son.

“Who I’ve been talking to.”

“But I thought it was a dating app?”

“It is.”

Mr Kim puts his chopsticks down and looks perplexed, “Why are you talking to Jungkook on a dating app?”

“Because… umm… because he doesn’t know it’s me?” Tae says, pursing his lips together in an apprehensive smile and opening his eyes wide as he waits for his father’s response.

“How does he not know that it’s you? Don’t you need a photo on those sites and why wouldn’t you tell him that it’s you?”

“I set up a fake profile… please, Appa… please don’t tell anyone.”

“Who am I going to tell? I kept your secret when you were together… I even kept parts of it from you because I knew what was going on but you weren’t ready to talk about it.”

“I know and that’s why I’m telling you now. I’m trying to be honest.”

“Honest with me but not with Jungkook?”

“It’s stupid, I know but I couldn’t think of any other way to get him to talk to me.”

“You think that he wouldn’t talk to you if you approached him as you?”

“ I don’t know but I didn’t want to take that risk.”

“Is conversation going well?”

Tae’s face breaks out into the biggest smile, “Oh yes! He’s a personal trainer and boxing instructor. His favourite colour is still black, which I told him isn’t a colour, not really... but I always used to tell him that. He lives on his own but wants to get a dog because his apartment is so quiet. We always used to talk about how we would get a dog. He lives in the nice part of town, he hasn’t told me exactly where but we always used to talk about saving up and buying an apartment in one of the new buildings so I bet that’s what he’s done.”

Mr Kim’s heart doesn’t know whether to break or swell as he looks at the beaming face of his son and hears the sheer elation and enthusiasm in his voice. In one minute of speaking without taking a breath, his son was the same son who had had such a lust for life before his world imploded. Mr Kim suspected there was something going on between the two boys long before Tae ever admitted it and then when he did admit it, there was still an element of denial. When Tae brought his friends over, the whole group arrived but Jungkook was the only one who spent time with Tae alone. When asked if they were together he always said they were close friends but Jungkook was never seen hanging out with Tae’s group of friends. From his point of view, he saw two boys spending a lot of time together but that was a separate entity to Tae’s everyday university life with his friends. Jungkook wasn’t ever discussed unless he was due to come to the house and Tae’s friends didn’t mention him ever.

It wasn’t until they were in their second year of being together when the Father of one of Tae’s friends asked him if Tae was still with his girlfriend…
and suddenly it all became clear. That next weekend, Mr Kim organised a camping trip, just the two of them, amongst the trees. He picked a quiet spot and after several attempts where the bait wasn’t taken by his son, he told him what the father said and asked him outright what was going on. That night, with a fire flickering in front of them, he held his son while he cried because he was scared that people would think he was gay if they knew about him kissing Jungkook. Mr Kim was surprised as he assumed they’d done more than kiss judging by the looks they shared but his biggest concern was that his son was seemingly living two separate lives. Even though he reassured Tae by telling him repeatedly that it was okay to be gay and he was what he was, it fell on deaf ears because Tae couldn’t accept himself. He’d sworn his Father to secrecy that night, told him that he couldn’t be gay and his friends thought ‘JJ’ was a girl. Mr Kim found it hard to hear his son say he hated himself and wished he could be normal like everyone else and how much easier it was if his friends didn’t know anything.

That night before they climbed into their sleeping bags under the stars, Mr Kim made his son promise that he would see a counsellor at university and made sure that he knew that when at home, Jungkook was always welcome and he was free to be himself there… whatever that meant for him. But nothing changed after that. The waiting list was too long (so Tae said) and his relationship and sexuality remained hidden behind closed doors.

Mr Kim had a happy son, regardless of the secrecy and he vowed that his role as his Father was to be there for him because it was only Tae himself who could come out.

The happy son that he remembered was the same one sitting in front of him now, full of joy as he spoke about the conversations with Jungkook.

“Do you have a plan?” he asks Tae.

“To meet him… there’s a part of me that wants to put that first date off because we’ve fallen straight back into the way things were. We could talk for hours and it was so easy. He’s still that confident open guy that I fell in love with and I don’t want that bubble to burst… don’t look so worried, Appa… I’m not that boy anymore, I’m ready to put in the work and I know I will have some explaining to do.”

“Jungkook might be angry.”

Tae agrees, “I would be angry… wouldn’t you?”

“And if he’s that angry that he won’t give you any of his time?”

“Then I give him space, make one more attempt and if it’s a definitive ‘no’, I have to accept it. Twelve years ago, it was in my hands, Appa… all I had to do was be honest with myself and with him… all he wanted was to be able to be seen with me in public and take me to family functions as his boyfriend… all he wanted was honesty… he wanted me and I couldn’t give him that. Now it’s all in his hands and I will have no choice but to come to terms with whatever he decides.”

Mr Kim reaches across the small table and places his hand on Tae’s forearm, “I’m so proud of the man that you have become. You can’t have any more regrets if you are one hundred percent honest with him and with yourself.”

BOXING BUNNY - Do you go to the gym at all?

“I’ll clear up… go on.” The father smiles at his son who was once again engrossed in his phone.

“I’m not going to mess this up this time, Appa.” Tae says as he leaves the table and heads to his bedroom where he collapses onto his bed and rolls onto his back, holding his phone in the air so he can reply.

COFFEE QUEEN - I’ve not been to a gym since I was at school.

BOXING BUNNY - What do you do when you aren’t being the Queen of coffee?

Tae giggles to himself, he didn’t know what username to pick so went with irony. He didn’t drink coffee but worked in a coffee shop and he could definitely be a Queen.

COFFEE QUEEN - I like to walk in the rain. I enjoy being outdoors. What do you like to do when you aren’t being a boxing bunny?

BOXING BUNNY - Being outdoors is good. I like to run. I like to go camping on the coast but I like to eat fried chicken and watch Netflix, too.

COFFEE QUEEN - Fried chicken? That’s a dietary requirement!

BOXING BUNNY - Right?

COFFEE QUEEN - Netflix is good.

BOXING BUNNY - How long have you been single?

COFFEE QUEEN - Officially seven months but mentally a whole lot longer. You?

Tae wanted to say ‘twelve years’ because the reality is that he’s not felt connected to anyone since Jungkook.

BOXING BUNNY - Two years. I started up the boxing club and haven’t had the time to devote to someone.

COFFEE QUEEN - But you have the time now?

BOXING BUNNY - Now that the business is established I have more time. I’m not getting any younger.

COFFEE QUEEN - I can relate to that.

BOXING BUNNY - I need to go, I have a class in twenty minutes. Chat tomorrow?

COFFEE QUEEN - Chat tomorrow.

The little green ‘active’ dot disappears from Jungkook’s username and Tae takes a few minutes to look through the photos in his profile. The man in the pictures is slightly fuller in the face but he’s more beautiful than Tae’s memory had given him credit for. The Jungkook that Tae knew twelve years ago always had well groomed hair, sculpted to perfection but this Jungkook appeared to prefer longer hair. In some of the pictures his hair was scraped back into a ponytail or bun and in others it was slightly wavy and framing his face. Present day Jungkook now appears to have at least one arm covered in tattoos and Tae wonders if any more of his skin has ink work? The Jungkook he used to know always admired tattoos but his skin was a blank canvas back then. It didn’t matter to Tae because the spark he felt in his core told him that this was still his Jungkook.

----- CHAPTER BREAK -----

COFFEE QUEEN - Good morning. Did your class go well last night?

Tae put his phone on the bedside table and went to brush his teeth. As soon as he’d opened his eyes he had a fluttering in his stomach and excitement to start his day. It always used to be like this. This was something that his life had been lacking and he feels like such an idiot for throwing it all away.

Living two separate lives was easier than most people would believe it to be. He compartmentalised aspects of each life and they didn’t blend. If there was a party he was invited to and he knew Jungkook was going to be there, he would attend if his friends were going but that became too much when he had to watch guys flirting with Jungkook or when they walked past each other and couldn’t touch. Jungkook was one of a handful of guys who were openly gay and there was one lesbian couple in the year above. Everyone else was either straight or in the closet and Tae was one of them. When he met Hobi, he was vocal about being queer but had many battles to face, driven out of university and out of his home. Tae heard the way people spoke about those who were openly ‘not heterosexual’ and he was under no illusion that he would be outcast if his friends knew about him, too.

He wasn’t unhappy when he was with his friends, they often had a laugh but there was always the barrier between them where he had to hold a part of himself back. He started to make excuses when it came to parties and events and lying to get out of them and because his friends didn’t know Jungkook, they weren’t aware that Jungkook was also lying to his friends to get out of functions, too. Tae didn’t care about missing out on another party where everyone got drunk, ended up in bed with each other, fell over on their way home and played silly games because he was snuggled up watching a movie in his bedroom with Jungkook and making out in the privacy and quiet of his home.

Tae was happy then.

He thought he was happy.

Now he can see that he should have been enjoying a social gathering with all of his friends… with his boyfriend and his boyfriend’s group of friends.

That should’ve been his happiness but he was a coward and through not accepting himself, he drove Jungkook back into the closet too, to a certain extent.

The cost of Tae’s happiness was Jungkook’s happiness and it took him years to see that he wasn’t being fair.

Whilst spitting out the mixture of saliva and toothpaste into the sink he suddenly thought that perhaps the message this morning was too familiar? Was it too much? It was only the fifth day of messages so maybe it was better to wait for Jungkook to message him first?

He should delete it…

Tae grabs a hand towel and swipes at his mouth as he rushes through to his bedroom, dropping the towel onto the bed and snatching up his phone he quickly unlocks it and presses the app. He presses and holds the message, ready to delete it when it changes colour and there are three dots as Jungkook replies.

“Shit!” He exclaims, unsure whether to exit the app or hang on?

He barely has time to think and as he decides he’d look ‘too keen’ if the reply is read straight away, the reply comes through and the decision is taken out of his hands.

“Ugh!” He collapses onto his bed.

BOXING BUNNY - Good morning! The class was good, thanks. It’s a rewarding class. Have you got a day of coffee making ahead?

COFFEE QUEEN - I do! Who knows, I may change my username to Panini King after today.

BOXING BUNNY - Panini Prince sounds better.

COFFEE QUEEN - You’re right but a King is more authoritative.

BOXING BUNNY - You prefer dominance, huh?

BOXING BUNNY - Sorry! That was probably a bit too flirty for this time of the day.

“Fuck!” Tae gulps as he reads the message.

COFFEE QUEEN - Is there a specific time of the day when flirting is more acceptable?

BOXING BUNNY - I would say ‘no’ but we’ve only been messaging for 5 days.

“Oh my god! He’s counting the days!” Tae feels giddy again but is soon shunted back to reality when he realises the time.

COFFEE QUEEN - It feels longer. I have to go, I didn’t realise the time! Have a good day boxing… bunny.

Tae exits the app and scrambles to his feet, dashing around looking for his trainers and wallet before tripping over the sweatshirt on the floor and rushing to work.

***

‘Harrassed’ was the word of the day because that’s how Tae felt from the moment he’d fallen through the cafe door with a minute to spare. The owner was lovely and made him sit down and have a cup of tea before starting his shift as she could see he was flustered. Everything seemed to be conspiring against him though and he’d spent most of the day lagging behind and he couldn’t wait to get to bed and start afresh tomorrow.

“You’ve forgotten, haven’t you?”

And he had.

Tae was staring at Hobi who was smiling at him on the other side of the counter and he had definitely forgotten that they were meeting today so that could join all the other things that had gone awry.

“Erm… no?”

“Have you made other plans?”

“No.”

“So… would you still like to meet or should I go?”

“I just need a second for my brain to catch up, Hobes! It’s been one of those days.”

“It’s 3.40pm, Tae… it’s not even been a day, yet.”

“You’re late.”

“No, I’m early. We said 3pm originally but your shift changed to 4 so we agreed on 4.”

“I knew that.”

“Sure you did. I’m going to grab a table and I’ll let you finish your shift and find your brain because I think it needs to do more than catch up.” Hobi giggles.

Tae scowls but smiles, “Skinny latte?”

“Caramel frappe with extra cream.” Hobi grins.

“Is Jimin out of town?”

“Maybe!”

Tae shakes his head and laughs, “I’ll bring it over.

“I’ll have your most calorific pastry, too.”

“I’m going to take a photo of it and send it to Jimin.”

“Take a picture of the comfort food and drink I need to cope with him being away?” Hobi winks.

Tae chokes out a laugh, “Oh, wow! You have no shame! Go and sit down.”

Hobi was someone he looked up to. He worked hard, had a successful business, a house and both him and Jimin were so committed to each other. Tae closed his ears to conversation about Jimin at first. He was bitter and heartbroken after losing Jungkook and was busy convincing himself that sleeping with women was the answer to his life problems. He didn’t want to hear about a gay relationship that was all hearts and flowers so he didn’t ask and he didn’t listen. Hobi persisted though. He needed Tae to know that it was possible to have a gay relationship and for people to accept it even if Tae’s biggest enemy was himself.

As their friendship developed and they spoke more often, Tae began to listen. He was happy for his friend, who had been at odds with the world for different reasons but had allowed Jimin to steal his heart. Jimin hadn’t experienced prejudice before so coming up against Hobi’s parents was a shock to the system for him. His own parents were always supportive and it was with their help and support that Hobi’s parents slowly came around to the idea that their son was in love with a man.

Every phone call from Hobi was progress for them both. Hobi updated Tae on his parents' acceptance of him and Jimin and Tae filled Hobi in on his journey to coming out. Hobi was thrilled when Tae finally admitted he was gay. It was a challenge not to say ‘really?’ in the world's most sarcastic tone or ‘better late than never’ in an equally sarcastic vein. The sheer emotion in Tae’s voice as every particle of air illuminated like tiny light bulbs, as he was finally able to say it out loud that he was queer and there would be no more females in his bed, was all music to Hobi’s ears. He made sure that his friend had told his father because Hobi saw Mr Kim quite often and didn’t want to put his foot in it and he was overjoyed to hear that Tae had spoken to him in the call before. It was a ‘finally!’ moment for Hobi but he understood the years and heartache that had led to that very moment and all the wishing in the world couldn’t take his friend back in time.

Hobi thought that after that call, Tae would return home but he hadn’t. He’d settled in a new city, got a job and met someone on a dating app. Hobi didn’t know everything about Tae’s relationship with Jungkook, those cards were held so closely to Tae’s chest that even in the present day, he still didn’t know much. But back then, it didn’t take a genius to work out that the relationship and subsequent heartbreak was responsible for how unsettled Tae was. Tae might well have found peace and comfort in himself with his sexuality but he was always running away from his past whilst searching for a replacement Jungkook.

The big surprise was when Tae announced he was finally moving back and Hobi told him then that it was about time he stopped running because moving around with every failed relationship wasn’t getting him anywhere. Jungkook wasn’t mentioned then but Hobi knew. He also knew a lot more about Jungkook than Tae was aware of because Jungkook’s business was housed in the basement of Hobi’s gym.

“Did you find it?”

“What?”

“Your brain?”

“Ha, ha!”

Tae put a tray in the centre of the white table and took a seat opposite his friend. It was good to be able to sit down and let the world stop spinning for a bit, hoping that the time with Hobi would correct the misfortunes of his day so far.

“Where’s Jimin gone? Has he finally had enough of you?”

“Of course he hasn’t, I’m the love of his life. His Grandmother is in hospital so he’s gone to visit her. I'm going to join him in a couple of days but it came out of the blue and I couldn’t arrange cover at the gym.”

“Will she be okay?”

“I don’t know? She had a fall. He sounded upbeat on the phone this morning so that’s good.”

“We should get together once you’re back.”

“Yeah, come over for food.” Hobi said, taking a big bite of the pastry.

“How’s it going at the gym? Did you set up that new class?”

“Yeah… Jazzercise… it’s fun.”

“I like jazz, maybe I’ll actually visit your gym.”

Hobi chokes on the flaky pastry and he tries to answer and swallow, “About that…”

“I’ll be shit at it, I’m sure.”

Hobi clears his mouth of food and takes a quick slurp of the frappe before taking a deep breath. He’s aware that his face probably shows the nervousness he feels and he doesn’t quite know how to tell Tae but he knows it’s his duty to.

“There’s something I need to tell you.”

Tae’s eyes glance down at his phone sitting on the table as a notification flashes and he knows it’s the dating app. “Okay?”

“It’s about Jungkook…”

The momentary distraction is replaced with further distraction when he hears Jungkook’s name and he looks up at his friend. “What about him?” There was no way that Hobi could know about the dating app.

“Okay so… I was going to tell you before but it didn’t feel like the right time but something has happened recently and I think you need to know. I can’t stand by and let you get your hopes up and I can’t watch you have your heart broken again, Tae.”

“Erm…. okay?” His stomach sinks, just from the look on Hobi’s face, having no idea what he was going to say next.

“You know how I told you that he was single?”

“Yeah. You text me.”

“I was expecting you to ask me how I knew and then I was going to tell you but you didn’t ask… why didn’t you ask?”

“Because your gym is on the other side of town and people talk so I guessed you knew because of that, like being at a hairdressers.”

“Logical… okay… I hadn’t thought of that. Well, that makes sense but that’s not how I know… I know because I rent out part of my building to him.”

“What? His business is based at your gym?”

“That’s right. You’ve seen pictures of the gym right?”

“Yeah, the inside mostly.”

“The building used to be a storage warehouse, Three floors with an underground car park. We transformed the car park and it is now a boxing gym amongst other things. They offer kettle bell classes and stuff. That is Jungkook’s business. I don’t really see him very often to talk to, mainly just in passing so I can’t say that we are friends.”

“Okay… so how does this information mean I’m going to get hurt?”

“I know you want to see him, he’s on your list, right?”

“That sounds so wrong having him on my to-do list.”

“Tae… he’s the reason you are back isn’t he?”

“Well… partly… sort of…”

“Yes… yes, is the word you are looking for.” Hobi takes another deep breath, deeper than the first, “... the thing is that when I sent you that message to tell you he was single, he was… but in the last couple of days he’s been on this dating app and I think he’s met someone.”

Tae’s face flushes instantly and ‘shit!’ repeats itself in his mind while his stomach flips and he breaks eye contact. “Oh… erm… okay.”

Hobi isn’t quite sure what to make of the reaction but he hadn’t expected that response. “Are you upset? I mean, I don’t know for sure but he’s been really smiley… not that he’s usually miserable but it has been noticeable and Siwan who is one of the trainers said he has been taking his breaks with his phone.”

“M’Kay” Tae mumbles inaudibly as he speaks while drinking, eyes darting to his phone as it lights up again.

“Tae, I don’t make a habit of prying but you’re acting weird… I really thought you’d be upset… I’ve just told you that I think Jungkook is seeing someone and this isn't the reaction I was expecting… what is going on? I thought you wanted to see him? Wait… have you seen him?”

“No… no, I haven’t seen him… I said my brain was slow today.”

When his phone lights up again, Hobi leans forwards, “Your phone is never that busy! I used to be the only person that blew up your phone so unless your Appa is bored?”

“You can’t breathe a word to anyone, Hobes… not even Jimin… not smudge… no one”

“Smudge never listens to me anyway. He literally purrs for Jimin and scratches me.”

“No one!”

“Okay, Okay… have you met someone? Ahhhhh! That makes sense now… you’ve met someone and that’s why you aren’t bothered about Jungkook… wow! He must be special and how ironic that after twelve years and a shit load of failed relationships you move home and meet someone that makes you forget about Jungkook!”

“Well… yeah… erm… he is special…”

“I knew it!”

“But… it’s Jungkook.”

Hobi was about to take a bite of the pastry and he paused, mid bite, “What is?”

“Who I’ve met… well, I haven’t really met, which is a stupid thing to say because I know him but… ugh!”

“Wow! I feel like my brain must’ve gone on holiday with yours… so you’ve met Jungkook but you haven’t?”

“After I got your message to say he was single, I thought I’d look at the dating app and see if he was on it and he was, Hobes! I put my preferences in and of course he came up! And then… I swiped and he swiped and we’ve been chatting for days.”

“Okay but why’s it such a secret? I don’t get it? Isn’t it a good thing that you’re talking?”

“He doesn’t know.”

“Know what?”

“I created a fake profile… he doesn’t know he’s talking to me.”

“Tae! That just isn’t sensible! You are catfishing your first love in an attempt to win him back after you broke up because your relationship was a secret… in what world is that a good idea?”

“I know, I know but… you’ve just told me he’s happy? It’s me doing that! We’ve still got it, Hobes!”

“But he doesn’t know it’s you.”

“He will… and I’m going to beg for a second chance… I really want one more chance... I’ll do anything.”

“When your brain returns, let me know, eh?”

Hobi can’t believe what he’s heard and can’t see how this has anything other than an unhappy ending for both Tae and Jungkook. On the flip-side of that thought is what he’d seen of Jungkook in the last few days and he couldn’t deny that the change was noticeable. The question was whether Jungkook could look past the deceit once he knew the truth?

----- CHAPTER BREAK -----

It was a sunny day and Tae decided that he needed to get out of the house and get some fresh air. Hobi hadn’t left him alone since they met, bugging him with texts to find out if he’d fessed up to Jungkook yet. With Hobi now travelling to be with Jimin, Tae was hoping for some peace and quiet even though he knew that his friend meant well. Tae found a bench that faced the river and for the first time in a very long time he decided to try his hand at writing down his feelings. He’d upgraded to a phone with a stylus not so long ago and enjoyed tapping out lyrics or whatever came into his mind. Holding the stylus made him feel like a writer and someone with purpose, just like an artist with a paintbrush. He used to love art. He could lose himself in watercolour and sculpting, a simple pencil sketch or oils. The swish of a paintbrush or blowing the chalk dust from a canvas, waiting for pottery to dry or smudging charcoal on paper with his fingertips. When he moved away, he didn’t take his love for art with him, he wanted to redesign himself and art was no longer ‘it’.
However, he was surprised that creative writing grabbed him. He daydreamed a lot, usually about what his life would have looked like if he’d given Jungkook what he asked for but that thought process was shrouded in sadness so he started to write down his feelings. Poetry was unfamiliar and he would never have called himself a poet but there were times when focusing on rhyming words was a great distraction.
The breeze was light and he took notice of the dark cloud up ahead on the other side of the river. There were lots of people around but they were all busy in their own little worlds going about their everyday lives. Further down the river there was a small bridge that connected two parts of the city. That part of the river wasn’t as busy as no public transport operated there so it was mainly dog walkers and cyclists. That was the spot where Tae would wait for Jungkook. Even in the rain he would stand with his umbrella and wait for the familiar sight of his boyfriend to come into view, usually spotting the top of the umbrella first and that was always enough to set the butterflies off in his stomach. He wondered if it still looked the same after all this time?
He used to pick a flower on his way to meet Jungkook. Sometimes it would be a simple daisy growing in the grass and other times it would be the flower head from a planter or roadside bush. In the colder months it would take time to find a flower so he drew one or cut one from tissue paper but he didn't ever greet Jungkook empty-handed.
Yet it wasn’t enough and he knows that Jungkook would’ve traded all the flowers in the world just to be able to hold hands in public but Tae denied him that.BOXING BUNNY - How’s work today? Sick of coffee yet?COFFEE QUEEN - Do coffee queens get sick of coffee?
BOXING BUNNY - I don’t know, do they?COFFEE QUEEN - I would have to rethink my status in that case. Do bunnies get tired of boxing?BOXING BUNNY - This one doesn’t. Are you busy today?COFFEE QUEEN - Busy but not at work. Taking some time out. Currently enjoying some of the great outdoors. Do you have a full day getting sweaty?BOXING BUNNY - Yes, as always. I have boring paperwork to do today, too. We are having a boxing tournament for charity so I need to get the sponsorship forms done. I would much rather be outside enjoying the fresh air.COFFEE QUEEN - Which charity are you supporting? That sounds like fun.BOXING BUNNY - A LGBTQIA youth centre for homeless teens. I raise money for them every year.COFFEE QUEEN - What a great charity. Do you need refreshments? I could speak to my boss?BOXING BUNNY - You would do that? We hardly know each other.COFFEE QUEEN - It’s a worthwhile cause and I’d like to help. I’ll speak to my boss and see if she can help. What is the name of the centre?BOXING BUNNY - Rainbow Bubble. They provide safe living quarters for homeless teens in a dorm living situation. They do a lot of good work but they have to rely on donations and sponsorship.COFFEE QUEEN - I’d really like to help. Do you have a target?BOXING BUNNY - This year we want to raise enough so they can employ more counsellors. If they can offer a broader counselling service they can reach the teens that aren’t homeless but need the support.
Taehyung’s heart feels heavy. He wasn’t ever threatened with homelessness like Hobi was but he thinks that if he’d had somewhere like Rainbow Bubble to go to, he might’ve found the confidence to be open much earlier and maybe he wouldn’t have lost Jungkook. He also can’t shake the niggling feeling that tells him that Jungkook became involved with such a cause because of him.COFFEE QUEEN
- The charity is lucky to have you behind them.BOXING BUNNY - Thanks. It’s something close to my heart. Look, I know we’ve only been chatting for a week but I’d really like to meet you. If your boss helps with the charity event, the chances are that we will see each other anyway.
Tae has to read the message a few times and drops his stylus in the process. He’s fumbling around hanging off the bench, rooting around in the grass when he gets another message:BOXING BUNNY - Sorry, that was probably a bit forward but I think we get on well and this is a dating app but if you think it’s too soon, that’s okay, everyone is different.COFFEE QUEEN - Not forward at all. You’re asking me out on a date?BOXING BUNNY - Yeah? Nothing heavy. I was thinking the cliched one hour coffee date because what else would a coffee queen do for a date? Lol!Nausea is rife and Tae has to sit up straight from his slouched position on the bench. He sits up too quickly and feels disorientated which doesn't help the situation.COFFEE QUEEN - True lol! When are you free?BOXING BUNNY - I’m free for the next 3 days from 4pm?COFFEE QUEEN - Tomorrow?BOXING BUNNY - And I thought I was keen lol!Tae blushes profusely and looks up in case anyone was watching him which was stupid because no one cared what he was doing.
COFFEE QUEEN - It’s just that I have a 6am - 2pm shift tomorrow.BOXING BUNNY - Perfect. 5pm?COFFEE QUEEN - Great. Where?BOXING BUNNY - I don’t know where you will be coming from but you know the flower market?COFFEE QUEEN - I do. There’s a great coffee shop near the bus stop.BOXING BUNNY - That’s the one. Great minds think alike. I need to go. I have posters to design and I’m no good with graphics.COFFEE QUEEN - I could help with that, too. I did art at university.COFFEE QUEEN - I like designing
COFFEE QUEEN - Good luck.
BOXING BUNNY - See you tomorrow.
BOXING BUNNY - Oh! Could you tell me what you’re wearing tomorrow so I know who I’m looking for? I don’t want to be staring at the face of every guy I see, that might be a bit awkward.COFFEE QUEEN - I will message you before I leave to meet you.
BOXING BUNNY - Great! I’ll do the same but I’m not very adventurous with clothes so it will more than likely be a black shirt and jeans.
COFFEE QUEEN - I’m sure you won’t be difficult to spot. See you tomorrow.BOXING BUNNY - See you at 5pm.Tae feels like he’s been tasered without the pain… not that he knows what being tasered would feel like but he was in shock and felt dazed and that was the first thing that came to mind. He knows that sleep will evade him tonight and the hours will drag until 5pm. He feels sick because at least he knows who he is meeting and has had the time to prepare himself. He feels almost cruel that Jungkook won’t be expecting him and he knows it’s going to be a shock but it’s done now and he can’t back out.
He looks at the black screen of his phone as he tries to pen his thoughts as his mind races at a million thoughts a second. The fear is nauseating, he doesn’t know how he will cope when he’s finally face to face with the man he thinks he still loves… what if he doesn’t love him anymore? That would be the easiest solution, surely?
But what if he does still love him as his heart tells him? And what if Jungkook hates him? What if Jungkook doesn’t want anything to do with him? What if he won’t even let him explain?What is it that he needs to explain? How can he explain? How does he ask for forgiveness for breaking his heart and his own in the process?
He feels like he can’t breathe and his phone’s ringtone scares the life out of him as he sees his Appa calling.“Appa?”“I’m leaving for work now. There’s food already cooked so don’t buy anything while you’re out.”“Okay.”“Are you out all day?”“I’m not sure. I will be back later.”“Is everything okay? You sound distracted. Have I interrupted you?”“Appa… I’m meeting Jungkook tomorrow, he asked me out on a coffee date.”“You don’t drink coffee, he knows that?”“He doesn’t know it’s me… remember?” He says in a hushed, loud whisper.“Of course! Are you really not going to tell him before you meet?”“And risk him not turning up?”“Taehyung, you do realise that the surprise will probably stir up anger?”“I know, Appa but he asked me out and this is my chance.”“Chance for what? Have you thought about what you’re going to say to him, if he lets you?”“My head is a mess. I don’t know where to start. I need to say sorry and I want him to know that I understand that it was my fault we broke up and I understand that he didn’t want to be a secret anymore…” Tae can’t stop the tears as he speaks quietly into the phone, eyes on the floor, “... I’m so, so sorry for hurting him and I’ve never stopped loving him, Appa, I haven’t.”“I know… Taehyung, I know. I think you need to be realistic though… twelve years is a long time and he might’ve moved on. You have to be prepared that he will accept your apology but tomorrow will be the last time you’ll see him.”“But I love him, Appa… I love him… I’d do anything for one more chance… just one… that’s all I need.”“Son… please just prepare yourself… he might not feel the same way… okay?”Tae sniffles and wipes his face. He didn’t think he’d ever be able to cry again after the sheer weight of the tears he shed over the break-up and it wasn’t until he started therapy that he was encouraged to let his emotions out. He knows his Father is right but it hurts and that’s when he has the idea and starts tapping out words on his phone, free flowing emotions to accompany the tears.

----- CHAPTER BREAK -----

COFFEE QUEEN - Latte coloured shirt and coffee coloured trousers. See you soon.

Jungkook laughed but it was a nervous laugh when he read the message from Coffee Queen. It seemed like such a good idea yesterday when he was brave enough to ask the guy out on a date but as the hours went by, nothing could distract him enough to calm the butterflies that had taken his stomach hostage. He’d stayed late at the gym last night, beating the punch bag to within an inch of its life in the hope that he would be exhausted once home and sleep would come easily but it didn’t work.

He’d been on the dating app for a few months since his work life became less hectic. Starting up the business as a personal trainer was stage one years ago but he’d always wanted to run his own boxing club. He secured a loan and worked tirelessly so when he saw that the local gym was actually renovating the entire basement level and renting it out he just knew he had to go for it. He vaguely recognised Hobi but hadn’t really had anything to do with him at university so it wasn’t like they could be classed as anything other than business acquaintances which was fine by him. Personal matters and business rarely went well so this suited everyone much more.

The guys on the dating app mostly wanted a hook-up and he would probably have been up for that if he was still as busy and pushed for time but he wasn’t looking for that. He had everything he wanted apart from a dog and a partner to go home to. He thought he had that once, his life was mapped out, he had the love of his life and would one day have a dog and a business but after three years, his world ended and he’d done nothing but ‘settle’ since then. It took him years to move on after he’d had his heart broken and because of the nature of the situation, he hadn’t had anyone to discuss it with except his Mother. She’d been wonderful, kept the secret from her husband and everyone else in order to protect the heart of the man who had hurt her own son.

There were a few guys he was chatting to but he’d lost interest in the others since Coffee Queen came along. They clicked instantly and conversation flowed without effort. Jungkook had been talking to the other guys for weeks and there would be a few messages a day or every other day, ‘how are you?’ ‘how was your day?’ ‘Marvel or DC?’ ‘Chicken or pork ramen?’. Most conversations lacked actual conversation and were more like an interview. Coffee Queen was different and he was excited to meet him in person. The hard part was done… Jungkook was attracted to the guy and was interested enough to want to get to know him in person. With foundations laid, he was excited to see if this would go anywhere. Secure in every other aspect of his life, he was allowing himself to dream in a future and having a plus one at his parents home on a Thursday for his father’s international meal evening.

When he thought about somewhere to meet he’d initially wanted to go to a restaurant because he had the feeling that once they started talking they would have trouble stopping but he wanted to err on the side of caution just in case. Not everyone was as confident in person as he was and not everyone could converse face to face as they did when sending messages. He’d conducted a relationship over text message once before and didn’t want to do that again. He’d learnt a lot from that, too many lessons to list but he’d never been able to pick up every piece from when he’d fallen apart. It was that relationship with his only true love that was the reason he worked so closely with Rainbow Bubble. He didn’t want anyone to have to go through the same as he did but more importantly he didn’t want anyone to have to spend so long in denial, like his boyfriend had.

The one hour coffee date was a start. It was his chance to gauge whether there would be more dates and it was also a public place because his past taught him to never hide again. He was a man with life experience now and he knew what he wanted. Jungkook was strong, independent and everyone around him told him he had a lot to offer the right person. The scars of his past meant he didn’t trust blindly and believed in actions speaking louder than words and most guys couldn’t handle someone like that.

BOXING BUNNY - Thanks. Black shirt and jeans as predicted. See you soon.

Tae knew what Jungkook was wearing because he’d been standing outside the coffee shop hidden from plain sight, waiting for him to arrive first. He’d considered his options and decided that if Jungkook arrived before him, he hopefully wouldn’t just run out the door whereas if Tae was already seated, the chances were that Jungkook would turn and leave and he really wanted a chance to explain.

He watched Jungkook enter the coffee shop and he felt as if he was going to vomit his internal organs, he felt so sick. Tae held his hands out in front of him, knuckles up, just to see if they were visibly shaking as much as he thought they were. His hands trembled and already the emotion sat behind his eyes and thick in his throat. He checked his phone, 5.06pm and he didn’t want Jungkook to think he was standing him up so he needed to get on with it. Tae clenched his fists and took several of the deepest breaths ever taken and popped a mint in his mouth to help with the bile that burned the base of his tongue.

With heavy legs he walked forwards and the coffee shop door got closer and closer. This was his time to be brave and he imagined this was the bravery that he was lacking twelve years ago. He wasn’t ever going to let fear prevent him from getting what he wanted ever again.

He pushed open the door and stepped inside, he looked around quickly, scanning the long tables positioned directly in front of the windows to his left and along the rear. The counter was to the right with various machines, and a big glass display full of sweet treats to accompany your hot or cold drink. Beech coloured square tables dotted around the centre with more to the right leading to an exit with stairs that led to a metal staircase to the roof seating. As he took a step forwards he could see Jungkook sitting side on to where he’d entered and he desperately wanted to get closer before he was spotted.

Jungkook was on his phone, toying with the idea of sending a message to Coffee Queen to ask if he’d gotten lost or needed help with directions. It was 5.11pm and he felt like a bit of an idiot sitting alone now as he’d arrived nice and early. The coffee shop was busy, most people sitting at the tables facing the windows, laptops open, straw positioned at their lips as they sipped on their iced Americano. He decided against sending the message, instead he would give Coffee Queen another ten minutes and then he would leave because he wasn’t a fan of being stood up.

Tae was close enough to see that his imagination and the dating profile pictures hadn’t done Jungkook any justice whatsoever because he was far more handsome than his brain had allowed for. He was lost in the shiny hair tied half back out of his face and the curls of the hair not included in the gathering of the band when Jungkook looked up and their eyes finally met twelve years on from the devastation that ruined both of their hopes for the future.

Jungkook’s face contorted in confusion as he looked into the face of the ghost from his past. He’d dreamt about Taehyung often and thought about him most days over the years but the years blurred into insignificance as he registered what was once the love of his life.

“Tae? What… are you doing here?”

“Hi, Koo… Jungkook.”

“You can’t be here, I’m waiting for someone.” His heart rate had exploded into action as if he had just propelled himself from the starting blocks of a sprint.

“I know… it’s me…”

“No… I’m waiting for someone.”

“Can… I sit down?”

Jungkook could see the latte coloured shirt and coffee coloured trousers underneath the striped cardigan and suddenly there was a tiny voice in his head telling him this was why the last week of conversation had felt so familiar.

“Didn’t you hear me? I’m waiting for someone.” If he said it enough, maybe it would all go away.

Tae pulled back the chair, urging the tears that were building quickly, not to fall. What hurt the most was the expression on Jungkook’s face, he’d seen it before and it wasn’t meant to happen again.

“I’m Coffee Queen, Jungkook… please, please just hear me out?”

“I need to go… I can’t be here… was it not enough to rip my heart out twelve years ago?” Jungkook was up on his feet before Tae could sit down.

“I didn’t think that you would speak to me if I was me… well, I was me… everything I said was me… Koo… Jungkook, please.”

“I do not owe you anything!! You made your choice! You destroyed me!” Jungkook couldn’t breathe as he marched through the coffee shop towards the exit.

Tae wasn’t going to let him leave like that. This was the battle he’d tried to prepare himself for. He knew it wouldn't be easy but he had to try.

“Twelve years ago I didn’t fight for us… I let you down, I broke your heart, I'm not that person anymore!"

Jungkook realises he's gone out of the wrong exit and has no option but to climb the twisted metal staircase to the roof where he strides to the edge, trying to get distance between him and Tae. With nowhere to go he had to turn and face the man that was everything to him and he felt like a caged animal, trapped and hurt.

"You catfished me!"

"I know and I'm sorry but I didn't think you'd talk to me… what was I going to do? Just call you? Find out where you live and turn up?"

"So the answer to that was to lie to me and make me think you were someone else?"

"Yes! It was stupid. My Appa said I was stupid and Hobi totally disagreed with me but I didn’t think you'd talk to me."

"Hobi? As in… Hobi, gym owner, Hobi?"

"Yeah. He's a friend of mine… but I promise you I didn't know that you were connected until a few days ago."

"And you expect me to believe you?"

"No… I don't expect anything of you. It's not you who has anything to prove."

"What do you want? You've made me think I was meeting someone who wanted to date me… someone who I thought genuinely liked me. But it was all just a guise for what? So I can sit and hear you out? Go on then… you've got five minutes."

"It wasn't a guise for anything. I don't know where to start or what to say now… it's all such a mess."

"Some things never change. You were always a mess." But Tae was the mess that Jungkook loved with every fibre of his being.

"This is a different mess. I'm out now, no more denial or hiding."

"Congratulations."

Tae ignores the sarcasm, he expected worse. "I know what I should've done all those years ago. I know that the hurt started before we broke up. Every time I revoked my promise to go public, I hurt you. I pushed you back into the closet and made you a secret. I was so scared and by not accepting myself, it showed no trust in you, in us and I'm so sorry."

"You'll get no disagreement from me."

"I've thought about apologising so many times and it all sounds so fucking lame! But I've been back six months and I've been sorting out my life because I'm back for good… I want to prove to you that I am sorry."

"And you do that by catfishing me? Great plan, Taehyung. That's five minutes, I've heard enough."

"Please… Jungkook…"

As he walks past Tae he spins round, "What? Please, what? Please listen to more lies and bullshit? Please forgive you for walking away from me and never loving me enough? Apology accepted... there, you're free. Now, what do you want?"

"A chance… to prove myself to you… I still love you… I always have and I think I always will. You're right, you don't owe me anything but I wrote a song for you yesterday when I was outside after our messages… please… take it… please?" He holds the folded origami heart in an outstretched hand towards Jungkook.

Jungkook looks at the pastel pink heart and then at Tae. Twelve years haven’t aged him at all. He’s still the most beautiful man on the planet but he’s also still the man who shattered his heart and his dreams.

“A song? You’re a songwriter?”

“No… I sort of write poems and stuff that comes into my head… it’s helped me deal with a lot and sometimes I hum a random tune so… I don’t know… please… take it.”

Jungkook’s breaths are slow and heavy, his chest expanding dramatically as he fights the emotion constricting his throat. He needs to leave, he needs to run until his lungs collapse and he wants to pound a punch bag until his knuckles bleed. He takes the pastel heart and this time when he turns to walk away, he doesn’t look back and he doesn’t stop walking.

----- CHAPTER BREAK -----

The sound of the kettle boiling wasn’t loud enough to drown out the sobs as Jungkook cried in his Mother’s arms. He’d run straight to his parents house, uncaring that his Father would be home and perhaps his brother, too. Jungkook’s mother had taken one look at him and pulled him in for a hug allowing him to release the emotions that spilled over once her arms were wrapped around him.Mr Jeon signalled ‘coffee’ as a question, not wanting to interrupt and silently made three mugs, leaving two close to the kettle and taking himself off to watch television and leave his wife and son alone.
"Ssshhhh, Jungkookie… what could be this bad… do you want to talk about it?”
Jungkook got his breaths under control and pulled back to wipe his face with his hand. He feels like he’s dreaming, numb with shock and exhaustion and he wonders if he will wake up soon.Jungkook’s Eomma helps her son wipe the tears from his face as she speaks again, “Did your date not go well? He wasn’t one of those homophobic men who lie to meet a gay man to start trouble? You need to be careful, Jungkookie… those dating apps can be dangerous.”

“Tae was my date, Eomma.”"Taehyung, Tae? Your first love, Tae?""Yeah."“Does he want to keep you a secret again? Is that why you didn’t tell me who you were going on a date with? Anyone with eyes could see that you still carry a torch for that boy but I kept your secret before and I won’t do it again… You deserve someone who is proud to have you with them… I cannot watch you disappear again.”His Mother looks at him with such sincerity that it prompts a half smile to appear on his lips, “I didn’t know it was Tae. He set up a fake profile.”“Why? So he was like those people on that MTV show? Why would he do that?”“Eomma, you watch too much tv but yes, catfish. He said that he thought it was the only way I’d speak to him.”“Is he right?”“Probably but I can’t answer that now… I don’t know how I’d have felt if he’d contacted me.”“The shock would’ve been the same, no?”“Maybe?”“That’s a lot of effort to go to? If he was so desperate to talk to you and thought you wouldn’t hear him out that is.”“He could’ve just sent me a text.”Jungkook’s Eomma raises her eyebrows and grins, “So that you could discount every word because you place no value in words now?”“And why is that?”“I am not saying that you are wrong for being the way that you are but would you have paid any attention to a text?”“Probably not.”“What does he want?”“To show me that he’s sorry.”“Show you? Not tell you? Huh?”“Eomma, it sounds very much like you are defending him.”“I would never take anyone’s side over yours, Jungkookie but you know I like to play devil's advocate. You are both different people now… but you haven’t ever stopped loving him and there’s no use in looking at me with those discerning eyes. You threw yourself into your business and you’ve been successful in every area of your life except the relationship area. You support a charity that helps young people like Taehyung! I have eyes, son.”“Why didn’t you talk to me about it?”“Because at first I was picking up the pieces that were left behind when he left and then you were so determined to start the business. What good would it have done to bring it all up?”Jungkook’s eyes fill again and the tears trickle freely, “He said he still loves me.”“Of course he does. You didn’t break up because the love wasn’t there. You broke up because he couldn’t be true to himself or you.”“He said that he pushed me back into the closet and he gave me this.” He said, reaching into the pocket of his jeans for the folded heart.“A paper heart?”“He said it’s a song. He wrote it yesterday after we arranged the date. He always used to make me origami flowers and animals.”“He’s a songwriter?”“No, he said writing poems and stuff is what has helped him.”“Has he come to terms with his sexuality now?”“Yeah, he told me that he came out.”“Have you read the song?”“No… I ran straight here… I felt like my heart was breaking all over again, Eomma… just… seeing him… everything came back… everything and… he’s still the same…”
“Oh, my sweet boy… would you like my advice?”Jungkook nods and wipes at his cheeks in an attempt to clear the tears.“I know how much value you place on actions over words but writing that song and being brave enough to confront you, albeit in a very misguided way, were actions so I would read that song and look inside your heart because what happens next has to be your decision. Telling you that he still loves you doesn’t really tell you what his intentions are and I think
if you move forwards, there needs to be complete clarity in everything… and one more thing… If you decide to give him a chance… make him work for it.”Jungkook definitely can’t stop the smile on his face as his Mother speaks. Tears trickle into his mouth and his Mother finally takes a few steps away to pass her son a tissue to wipe his face over. If she was honest, there was a part of her that always expected Taehyung to return or for the two men to find each other one way or another. She’d only seen the relationship through Jungkook, from a distance as they mostly hid out at Tae’s house but she saw it all. She was privileged that her son trusted and confided in her and she knew he had no one else to talk to. He wanted to give Tae the time and space to come out and to accept who he was. Jungkook spent the three years being supportive and encouraging but it started to wear him down and she witnessed the decline. There was an element of denial for Jungkook, too, as he was hopeful each time they were intending on going public, only to have his hopes dashed when Taehyung backed out. Jungkook’s Mother, known by everyone as ‘Su’, didn't once believe there was any kind of malice behind Taehyung’s actions. She truly believed he wanted to be free of his fears but that final step was obviously too much for him. Her heart hurt for him because she also knew how accepting Mr Kim was as Jungkook told her many times how he would leave them snacks before giving them privacy and heading out.
Su wasn’t a religious woman but she’d prayed for the boys when they met for what turned out to be the final time. All of the graduation parties and birthday gatherings, events within the family, concerts and other celebrations that Jungkook missed out on because either he had to go alone or not at all. After graduation he was ready to start his life and wanted Tae by his side but he couldn’t be kept a secret any longer and felt the patience he’d had finally vanished. The day of the ultimatum, Su prayed for them, hoping that their bond and love would be enough but the next thing she heard was her son beside himself with grief and the news that Taehyung was leaving.
At some point she’d had to tell her husband what was going on. It all got too much and she couldn’t handle it all alone. With hindsight she wished she’d broken her son’s trust and told Mr Jeon earlier because none of what she told him came as a surprise. Jungkook’s brother walked in that day and said “Is this about Jungkook and Tae?” It hadn’t escaped his attention either but he was four years older and mature enough to keep his thoughts to himself unless his brother shared things with him. The whole family accepted Jungkook instantly, without question when he came out to them, announcing at fifteen that he liked boys and thought there was something wrong with him. It was Jungkook’s parents who informed him that he was normal and they loved him regardless, which proved to be invaluable support when others weren’t so kind.Su didn’t expect so many years to pass and as every year went by she hoped Jungkook would meet the man who would complete him. If he couldn’t be with Taehyung she wanted him to find happiness with someone else but there was always that glimmer of hope that remained. Her son was confident and comfortable in his own skin. He’d had a few rough patches in High school, it was tough when it certainly wasn’t cool to be gay but he got on with it and by joining the sports teams he injected himself into the heart of school life and had a good group of friends.
When Jungkook first told her about Taehyung she worried that he was on a crusade to save him but it was soon obvious that there was much more to it. They spent so much time together and she felt that finding love with Taehyung put Jungkook at peace with himself, too.“Are you staying for food?” she asks her son as he drains his mug of coffee.“No, thank you. I’ve got some thinking to do.”“Can I ask you something before you go?”“Yeah?”“If Taehyung stayed that day, do you think you would still be together now?”“Yeah… I do. We had everything.”“You had everything except one thing and that’s no longer a barrier… take your time. I don’t think he’s going anywhere this time, I believe he wouldn't do all of this just to leave and you have to do what is right for you.”Jungkook runs back and gives his Mother a quick hug before he leaves. He might be in his early 30’s now but his Mother is his rock. She hasn’t ever blindly supported him, always choosing to love and provide comfort but also to provide a differing and sometimes opposing opinion to provoke a thorough thought process. Today has been no different and he heads off to a place that reminds him of Taehyung.The bridge is a place that leads to the space where it used to be relatively quiet. The trees were quite leafy and overhung so it was always quite shady. It wasn’t quiet enough to spend time there together in case they were seen as they were an affectionate couple but it was the ideal place to meet before heading to Tae’s. It didn’t matter what the weather was like, even in torrential rain he would speed walk over the bridge, umbrella in his hand and nothing would keep his stomach calm.
There hadn’t been any need to visit the bridge in the last eleven years or so, after forcing himself to stop going. As he walked across it, it didn’t feel like that long ago that he was on his way to meet Tae. He couldn’t believe that the man he’d formed a connection with on the dating app, was the same man that left him broken-hearted before he’d left the city altogether. That day he fell to his knees and sobbed into his hands and when year after year passed by, he was sure that he would never see Kim Taehyung ever again.Jungkook found a bench to sit on and held the origami heart in his hands. His heart urged him to open it but his head begged him to be cautious. He thought over what his Mother said earlier and he wondered if it was possible to overcome the hurdles of their past?
He’d signed up to the dating app to see what was out there and he’d connected with someone who stood out amongst all the others. It was still so easy with Taehyung, as it always was. Seeing him in person was a shock but there was an intense feeling of ‘coming home’ and these were feelings he didn’t want to dismiss… because… what if?With nimble fingers he opened up the heart and started to read the words on the pastel pink paper. The handwriting was recognizable and even that conjured up feelings he’d long since forgotten.
‘ Why can't we turn back the hands of time

Holdin' on the dreams inside

And I won't let you down, look into my eyes

What do you see, honest and sincerely,

Kookie, please put your trust in me

Baby give me one more chance to prove my love

It will last forever

Baby give me one more chance to prove how much

Just how much I love you

Ooo why must we run down the reasons why

And we know that our love will decide

Our true love will survive

I'm missin' you boy

I love you more than words can say

I think about you all night and day

That's all I'm tryin' to say

I feel you in my heart

I'm down on my knees

Beggin' please, please, please

Kookie, I was wrong and

All I'm asking for is just one more chance’
Jungkook wonders if Tae hummed a tune to these lyrics or if it was more of a poem than a song? He did see honesty and sincerity in Taehyung’s eyes but this was a man whom he’d given his heart to already once before.Patches of the pastel pink paper darkened as tears dripped down Jungkook’s chin. His Mother was right, there might be words on the page but there was effort in writing them and even more effort to deliver them to him.
Could he give Taehyung one more chance and risk his heart being broken again?

----- CHAPTER BREAK -----

The dating app had been uninstalled from his phone in haste after he left the coffee shop and ran to his parents home. He didn’t know if Tae would attempt to contact him and he thought it would be best to clear his head until he’d made a decision. Work was a great distraction, the boxing classes were a fabulous outlet and once at home, he could dedicate his time to making sense of the chaos in his head.
The paper heart was pinned to the mirror in his bedroom. It was a physical reminder that Tae was back and more importantly, still loved him. He was thankful that his personal life wasn’t common knowledge at the gym and when those that knew about the date asked, he replied with the honest answer, “I've not decided if I’ll see him again.” The sticking point was Hobi, he knew a whole lot more than Jungkook would’ve guessed and he planned on speaking to him as soon as he was back from visiting Jimin's Grandmother. That was one connection he hadn’t seen coming and couldn’t help but wonder why Hobi hadn’t ever mentioned that he knew who Jungkook was?
Three years of his life he’d dedicated to Tae and their relationship and he’d never once regretted it, even when he thought he wouldn’t survive the pain of their break-up. In the years since then, he knew that Tae had been able to be his true self when he was with Jungkook and so at the very least, Jungkook was thankful for that. He’d provided Tae the love and freedom to accept himself if not only when it was just the two of them. Being a secret was okay at first because Jungkook always anticipated that the end goal would be for them to ‘come out’ but the endless cycle began of Tae promising he would do it and then getting cold feet. Jungkook’s heart broke many times for different reasons and he didn’t believe in putting pressure on the boy he loved so when Tae was crying because he couldn’t say the words, hating on himself for not being straight because that would be so much easier… his role as Tae’s boyfriend was to tell him he was perfect and that he loved him.
And then everything outside of their bubble grew and started to infiltrate their lives. Hiding away became a real struggle. Appearing at the same event and upholding a charade was draining. Thinking up excuses as to why he didn’t want to date people was taxing. Having an empty seat beside him at celebrations was a stark reminder of who was missing.
There came a point when love just wasn’t enough and when promises and words became empty.‘ Kookie, I was wrong and
All I'm asking for is just one more chance’
As the dating app installed on his phone, his eyes glanced over the last sentence written on the heart. There was an irony in the respect that he actually didn’t agree that Tae was ‘wrong’. It was obvious that they were at different stages in their lives and Jungkook questioned many times over the years that they’d just got together at the wrong time in their lives. It wasn’t ‘wrong’ of Tae to walk away, in fact he’d done the right thing because Jungkook knew the pain they would both have felt if they’d bumped into each other after the break-up. It was society that was wrong because it made Tae feel like he didn’t belong and in twelve years, it was still happening which is what prompted Jungkook to get involved with Rainbow Bubble.
He signed in and his stomach fluttered when it was Tae’s face that greeted him alongside the username ‘COFFEE QUEEN’. Gone were the images of the man Jungkook didn’t know and now it felt like he truly had a decision to make because this was his only means of communication with Tae. He knew it was Tae and his finger hovered over the profile as he understood the significance of pressing it. The little dot beside the username was a sign that there were unread messages and Jungkook was already more emotionally involved than he would like to be so it needed to be handled objectively, if that was possible.COFFEE QUEEN - I have now added to the list of things to apologise for by creating this profile. I have amended it but I understand the irony of me hiding and being someone I’m not. I stopped pretending to be someone I wasn’t a long time ago and my intention was always to come clean as soon as possible. I didn’t think you would agree to meet me if I was me.COFFEE QUEEN - Should I apologise for spamming you? Perhaps. Does 2 messages count as spam? You aren’t reading these messages so maybe you have decided to make the decision I feared? This feels very much like a self therapy session.COFFEE QUEEN - 3 messages is probably spam. I’m sending you this to let you know that my boss is very keen to help out with the charity event. I found the contact details for Rainbow Bubble and gave my boss the name of the gym so she can make contact directly. You don’t have to worry, I won’t be involved. I honestly don’t want to cause you anymore hurt, Kookie.If he didn’t have the history he did with Tae, would he want to continue based on the previous messages?Yes.Was their history enough of a reason to not pursue something again?No.In Jungkook’s mind, their history and the chance to have what they didn’t stand a chance at having before, were the reasons he wanted to see where this could go but he still needed to protect his heart.BOXING BUNNY - My head is so messy, Tae. I’ve read your song… did you hum a tune for it?
BOXING BUNNY - I should apologise for running out on you. It was a shock. I think I’d made peace with never seeing you again so it was a shock. If 2 messages is spam, I should also apologise for that.Taehyung nearly fell off the chair as he was balancing on two legs as he’d been told a thousand time not to do when the notification came through.“Fuck… Oh my god! Woah! Shit!”“Be careful! You are 33, Taehyung and should know better.” Mr Kim said, looking round at his son while he flipped some colourful vegetables around a wok.“Jungkook… he’s replied to me.”“Oh… what did he say?”“I don’t know… I can’t look… what if he’s saying goodbye, Appa? I don’t think… no… I know that I can’t read that… for twelve years I’ve held out hope and even when it was an unconscious thought, it was still there.”“How will you know if you don’t read it?”“Can you read it for me?”“But if I read it I will still be telling you what Jungkook says so how is it different?”“Because it will be your words, not his?”Mr Kim glances quickly over his shoulder, “You’ve done the hardest part. You were a bit of an idiot for setting up that fake profile but you owned it and I think you were brave. It took courage to face him.”“Appa… don’t make me read it… what if he’s telling me goodbye?”“In that case you will be able to move on because you will know where you stand.”“I don’t want to move on… I’ve spent twelve years pretending to move on… I don’t know if I can?”Mr Kim sighs and switches off the heat so he can go to where his glassy eyed son is sitting, now with all four chair legs on the floor.“Give me your phone then.” he says, sitting on the chair on the other side of the small table.Tae pushes his phone across the table and watches his father pick it up. He would hold his breath but he feels nauseous and the deep breaths are keeping the nausea at bay.
Mr Kim opens the messages and reads them twice, “He’s apologising…”“Oh god! Appa… I waited too long…” Tae puts his hands up, palms covering his face.“... apologising for leaving the coffee shop and…”Tae parts his fingers and peers through the gaps, “What?”“... he’s not saying goodbye. You should read the messages. I’m not really sure I know what he’s saying but it doesn’t sound like he’s turning you down.”“Really?” Tae lowers his hands.“See for yourself.” Mr Kim says, placing the rectangular phone on the surface of the table and pushing it towards his son.Tae picks up the phone and reads the two messages. There’s a sense of relief as he reads and Mr Kim returns to the oven to finish preparing their food. Tae doesn’t wait to respond, he believed that Jungkook’s next message would tell him more.COFFEE QUEEN - I’m sorry, perhaps I should have stayed away but I needed to find out if you would give me one more chance. Yeah, I hummed a tune with my words. What happens now?He felt sick as he pressed ‘send’.
“Have you replied?” Mr Kim asks.“Yeah. I asked a question that I don’t want the answer to unless it’s the answer that I want that is.”“What did you ask him?”“What happens now?”“I suspect the answer will be that you will be jumping through hoops.”“Meaning?”“Meaning that it is for you to prove that you mean what you say. There’s no point apologising and regretting the past if you aren’t going to back it up. If I was Jungkook, I would be cautious.”“Thanks.”“Tae, you know all of this and you’ve said the same thing. You have to win his heart again but make sure that you stay true to yourself now. You’ve worked hard to get to this point and you both should have a fresh start as soon as you’ve discussed the past.”“I’m going to win him back, Appa. I’m going to show him that I want to be with him.”BOXING BUNNY - You have your chance. I’ve never stopped loving you but it’s going to take time.COFFEE QUEEN - I’m in this for the long haul. However long it takes.
BOXING BUNNY - Can I visit you at your work?
Tae inhales a sharp intake of breath, “Oh… oh my god!”“What is it?” Mr Kim asks.“Hang on…”COFFEE QUEEN - You want to see where I work?Tae’s stomach churns with excitement and apprehension, “He wants to come to O’Clock.”“To see you?”“Umm… I hope so? I think so?”“He is welcome here anytime, Tae, just like before. It’s not going to be easy, dating when you don’t have a place of your own. Perhaps I’ll join that dating app, huh? I could meet someone and it’ll get me out of here more.”“Why don’t you date?”“I’ve had a son to raise.”“Appa, I am 33. You’ve lived here alone for the last twelve years.”“I had karaoke evenings with the guys from work and I’ve not been with anyone since your Eomma left. ““You’re still young. You should join the app. You could find someone to watch those awful sitcoms with.”Tae’s parents met when they were eighteen and both just started university. Within four months of becoming a couple, Mi-Hye fell pregnant with Tae and they were pushed into marriage. Mi-Hye dreamed of being a journalist and went back to university when Tae was barely six months old. As soon as Tae started school at six years old, she was gone. Mi-Hye moved countries and aside from depositing money every month into a bank account for her son, there wasn’t any contact and Tae didn’t want any. He had his father, Grandparents and Aunts and as far he was concerned, she made her choice.
“Will you help me set up a profile?”“Yes! Let’s do it over dinner.”BOXING BUNNY - I want to learn everything about your life, Tae. Days ago before I knew you were you, I wanted to get to know more about Coffee Queen so I will continue.COFFEE QUEEN - I will send you my rota. I will arrange some dates. Will you come on dates with me?“Appa, Kookie wants to learn about my life.”“Kimchi?”Tae shakes his head, “You always get the spiciest one.”“You will need to learn about each other again. There will be some difficult discussions to be had but if you can get the balance right between putting the past behind you and moving forwards, I have no doubts that you will be fine. Keep talking to each other.”BOXING BUNNY - That will be a first for us. Yeah, I’ll go on a date with you.COFFEE QUEEN - I’m sorry, Kookie.
BOXING BUNNY - I know.
Tae hadn’t thought about the firsts they would be able to experience now that he wasn’t afraid to be himself. He was looking forward to planning dates and would make a list of ideas after he’d helped his father create his dating profile.

----- CHAPTER BREAK -----

COFFEE QUEEN - Good morning.

COFFEE QUEEN - Sorry. Am I moving too fast?

BOXING BUNNY - I wouldn’t say that ‘good morning’ was too fast. You sent me a message like that before we ‘met’. Please be yourself.

COFFEE QUEEN - Okay. Can I ask you something?

BOXING BUNNY - I think we should be open with each other about everything so you can ask me anything.

COFFEE QUEEN - Are you talking to any other guys on here?

BOXING BUNNY - No. I was, but I stopped talking to them when I asked you to the coffee date and I only reinstalled the app because I made the decision to give you a chance.

BOXING BUNNY - Are you talking to any… guys/girls?

COFFEE QUEEN - I’m homosexual. No I’m not talking to anyone else. I only got the app to talk to you.

BOXING BUNNY - Have you been with girls?

COFFEE QUEEN - Yes. It was the logical thing to do to convince myself I was straight.

That was a miserable time in Taehyung’s life. Sleeping with women was disastrous. If he closed his eyes he would see Jungkook at first because he’d only been intimate with him. Tae had all of his first sexual experiences with Jungkook. It was a gradual process to build up his confidence and Jungkook was the most patient person he’d ever met. Every step forward was on Tae’s terms, only when he was ready but when it came to that final step of intercourse, Tae was the first to admit he was terrified. He thought it all sounded scary. The preparation for anal sex was petrifying whether he thought about giving or receiving and he wasn't keen on the emphasis of discomfort, whichever website he was reading.

A year into their relationship, Tae was comfortable and quite adept at mutual masturbation and oral sex. They were so affectionate, always touching, always kissing… but always when alone only. Tae glossed over the look in Jungkook’s eyes if they had to part quickly when someone was nearby because acknowledging it was too much. Tae loved it when they were alone and one night when their heads were fuzzy with orgasms, he’d told Jungkook that he wanted to take the final step. Mr Kim was home and it was late so Jungkook told Tae they would plan the evening so it was a special occasion for him. Jungkook wasn't a novice, having slept with two guys before but he hadn't looked at anyone since he'd started spending so much time with Tae. Jungkook wouldn't have classed himself as experienced but he was confident and relaxed when it came to sex and that was the polar opposite to where Tae was at.

The window of opportunity was presented to them when Mr Kim was away for two nights with work. He was the Head of security for an independent company and they'd been handed a job for a movie premiere, which meant a hotel stay. It was all planned, the couple had been together a year and this was when Tae felt he was making a statement, giving himself intimately to Jungkook. Losing his virginity was anxiety inducing and he thought he would lose consciousness as he'd waited for Jungkook to arrive.

They'd spoken about using condoms and with Jungkook deciding to get tested as a show of trust, condoms were unnecessary. Jungkook brought lube with him even though Tae had some that he’d given him previously as he suspected Tae wouldn’t go out and buy any. Tae struggled to verbalise everything especially when it came to intimacy because there was always the battle raging inside him that none of it was normal but he couldn’t deny how right it felt with Jungkook.

Being with Jungkook made him feel alive. He felt like he could kiss Jungkook forever and never tire of it and each stage they moved onto was more perfect than the last and he was introduced into a new depth of feelings. There were times as he was learning what felt good and what didn’t, that he couldn’t cope, overwhelmed with the sensations he was given. Jungkook read him so well, pausing or stopping completely, reassuring him that they would try again another time when he was ready and it wasn’t until years later that Tae realised how difficult that must’ve been for him, given how turned on he was.

The evening they went all the way was no different. Tae was a bundle of nerves, sweaty palms and feelings of inadequacy. He’d followed all of the instructions, douching beforehand which felt foreign enough.

“I don’t know what I’m doing.” He’d told Jungkook, teary eyed.

“We don’t have to do this tonight… I would like you to enjoy it… there’s no rush and no pressure, Tae.” Jungkook had responded, gently stroking his arm as they lay facing each other on Tae’s bed.

“I’m scared I will do something wrong or worse…”

“Worse?”

“... disappoint you."

“Tae, I want to be with you more than anything but I want you to be relaxed and for it to be a good experience. You can’t get it wrong and you could never disappoint me. We can stop everything and get our pyjamas on or we could kiss and see where it leads? We don’t have to do anything.”

“I want to be with you, too, Kookie.”

“What would you like to do?”

“Definitely kiss… I want to try.”

“We can still kiss, even in our pyjamas.”

“No… I want… I want to try.”

“Okay… but if you want me to stop at any point… you must tell me, okay? Promise me.”

“I promise.”

With that, Jungkook leaned in and kissed Tae as he always did, with care and attention. Tae concentrated on the movement of their mouths and tried not to panic when Jungkook’s fingers slipped between the cheeks of his arse. He wanted to bottom for his first time as he didn’t feel brave enough to take the reins and prepare Jungkook. He’d watched videos and hadn’t ruled out topping one day but not for his first time.

There came a point when Tae couldn’t kiss anymore, when he thought he’d have to stop because of the discomfort but Jungkook was so attentive and gentle, whispering words of encouragement and the feeling soon passed. He wasn’t aware of his fingernails digging into Jungkook’s skin as he was dealing with all of the new feelings and sensations bestowed upon him. Jungkook hadn’t complained or reacted in any way, purely focused on ensuring that Tae was fully prepared.

Every part of Tae was burning with desire as Jungkook covered his body in kisses. It was meant to give Tae a chance to breathe as Jungkook removed his fingers and gently stroked his pulsing erection but Tae couldn’t regulate anything, especially his heart rate and breathing. Internally and externally he was tingling and floating in equal measure. He was harder than he’d ever been in his life and he was sure he could still feel fingers on his prostate, which was a rude awakening in itself.

“Are you ready?” Jungkook asked as he entered Tae with his fingers again, to be sure he was as physically prepared as was possible.

“I… think… so.”

“You have to be sure, Tae. I won’t do anything without your full consent.”

“Okay… yeah… ready…” he said as Jungkook moved up onto his knees between his legs and placed the head of his cock at Tae’s entrance. Tae made a grab for Jungkook’s wrist, “... I’m scared, Kookie… go slow.”

“I will, I promise… deep breaths and we can go as slow as you need, okay?”

Tae nodded his head. He kept hold of Jungkook’s wrist with one hand and the other reached for the edge of the pillow his head was on. Jungkook tried to soothe Tae by gently rubbing his thigh with the hand not being held. He paused once the bulbous head breached Tae’s ring of muscle, giving him time to adjust. Tae did as he was told, breathing deeply and he kept his eyes on the man on his knees who looked at him with such concern and love.

The feeling of being so full was overwhelming and he didn’t realise he had his eyes closed or that he was holding his breath until Jungkook wriggled his hand from Tae’s grasp so he could hold his hand properly and was speaking to him gently, lowering himself down on top of him, “Hey, breathe… Tae, look at me… look at me.”

Tae listened to Jungkook and was met with the most loving, kindest expression. “You okay?” He was asked.

Tae moved his head to let Jungkook know he was okay and finally lifted his arms, placing his hands on Jungkook’s back. He closed his eyes as their lips met and held on tight as Jungkook cautiously moved his hips. Tae felt invigorated like never before. Shocks of pleasure coursed through his body and he’d never felt so aroused in his entire life. The initial discomfort gave way to a level of rapture he hadn’t experienced before and he couldn’t hold back from telling Jungkook, “I love you” when their lips parted.

“I love you, too.” was the reply and Tae’s heart soared.

Laying in Jungkook’s arms, having lost his virginity and having uttered the ‘L’ word (as cliche as it was), Tae didn’t think he could be any happier. He was so very well looked after by Jungkook who cleaned them both up and kissed him until he drifted off to sleep. Every intimate moment that followed, up until the day they broke up was given just as much care and attention with Jungkook showing the utmost patience and if only Tae had realised how lucky he was at the time.

Hindsight was a wonderful thing and even when Jungkook was screaming at him, face flushed with pain, tears pouring down his face… Tae let him go.

Now with hindsight, he could see that even in the supposedly loving relationships he was in after officially coming out, there was always that little, atom sized element missing. He couldn’t guarantee that it would be there now with Jungkook and maybe it was a figment of his imagination but he wouldn’t know until he had the opportunity to be intimate with Jungkook again. That thought made him horror-stricken as he certainly wasn’t the same person he was twelve years ago and fear of incompatibility crept in.

BOXING BUNNY - When did you come out?

COFFEE QUEEN - Officially, 8 years ago. I had lots of therapy and after going through a phase of apologising for not being straight, I started living my life as I always should have done. I should have followed your lead, Kookie. There was a lot I should have done.

BOXING BUNNY - Yeah there is a lot but you can’t go back and do it now. We will talk about everything but I’m not so trusting of words. You said you want to show me that you’re sorry and the word ‘show’ means a lot. I don’t need you to show me that you’re sorry, I need you to show me that the past won’t repeat itself.

COFFEE QUEEN - You don’t trust words because of me? Because I went back on my word all the time?

BOXING BUNNY - Yeah. I have had a hard time believing people since then. I was so invested in us, Tae. Every time I thought you meant it, I believed you.

COFFEE QUEEN - Is that why you are involved with Rainbow Bubble?

BOXING BUNNY - Yeah. There was a kid who was sleeping on the street and I bought him a coffee. He said his family thought he was gay and threw him out but told me it was all lies and he wasn’t like that. He reminded me a lot of you and I found Rainbow Bubble. They helped him and I’ve been fundraising for them ever since. I don’t want someone to go through what you went through.

COFFEE QUEEN - I really want to help, too. Do you think I could get involved? I wouldn’t want someone to go through the same as me either.

BOXING BUNNY - I can bring all the details when I visit you at work. I need to bring some posters because your boss called me today.

COFFEE QUEEN - Will you stay for a drink?

BOXING BUNNY - I think meeting properly face to face will be a start so yeah, I’ll stay for a drink.

Tae didn’t expect any of this messaging but he had to see every conversation as a positive. He was pleased that Jungkook was asking questions and there wasn’t any point in glossing over the details of the past or the effect that it’s had on them both. Tae wanted to know the impact he’s had on Jungkook’s life so he can progress and learn from it. Back then he was so caught up in himself that he didn’t consider Jungkook but that was all going to change now.

----- CHAPTER BREAK -----

“What do you mean, Jungkook wants to talk to you? About what?” Tae asks Hobi.

“Well, someone went and told him that we are friends and he wants to speak to me. He probably wants to know why I didn’t mention it.”

Tae looks at the floor, “Oh, yeah… sorry. I just blurted it out because I wanted him to know that you and my Appa told me I was stupid for catfishing him.”

“And you couldn’t have left me out of it?”

“I thought he was going to leave and I didn’t know what to say so I sort of verbal vomited.”

“I’m going to be honest with him and answer whatever he asks. I’m not protecting you with lies, Tae.”

“I don’t want you to lie. There’s nothing you can tell him that I wouldn’t tell him myself so it doesn’t matter. I’ve answered every question he’s asked me so far. I’m done with hiding, Hobes.”

“Our businesses have coexisted peacefully and I’m not having that ruined by your stupidity. That’s why I didn’t say anything to him before. I like my zen working environment and to be honest we don’t have anything to do with each other unless he wants to make some changes to the basement or if there's an event or something that affects the actual building.”

“I get it! I’m not here to make waves.”

“What are you here for? Are you able to admit that you moved back to try again with Jungkook?”

“I moved back to get some stability and set some roots down…” He looks at Hobi who has a look of scepticism on his face, “... I wanted to settle and build a firm foundation… yes! So that I could hopefully get Jungkook back and we could get a dog and the apartment in the block on the other side of town… there, happy now?”

Hobi gives his friend the biggest smile, “I knew it! Look, it was obvious that you came back because you wanted to stop running and I get that you didn’t want to admit that Jungkook was part of that. After everything you’ve told me, it sounds like you two have a chance. You love each other and that’s a start but he’s not going to be so easily won over, huh?”

“No, he’s not. I need to get the balance right. We are messaging all the time and that gives us the platform to ask questions that pop into our heads and some answers are better when I can think about how to respond. But I know they are just words and he told me he doesn’t trust words so I need to back up what I’m saying. I need to get that balance of making an effort over text and in person. We’ve never even been on a date, Hobes.”

“You’ve got to earn his trust but you already have his love… only you could find yourself in such an odd situation. How have you never been on a date?”

“When we were first together, we met in certain places but always went to my place. We didn’t go to parties or events together and even if we were at the same event we acted like strangers… it hurts to think that’s what I did to him.”

“You can’t change that now but you can make sure things are different now.”

“Kookie said something like that.”

“Pet names already?”

“I always called him Kookie. If I was talking about him to my friends he was JJ, the girl… that hurts too.”

“There are some things you have to leave in the past, Tae. If you two make this work and get to live to be ancient old guys together then it would all have been worth it because if you’d been out back then, you might’ve split up five years on anyway.”

“I think we are going to have some difficult discussions.”

“Of course but in between that you’ll have your extravagant dates, right? There’s your balance. Have a date planned on either side of the heavy shit.”

“He's coming here tomorrow."

"For a date?"

"No… erm… we've not called it a date. He's coming in to bring posters for the charity event."

"Lame date."

Tae shoves his friend from the stool beside him, "Nothing about Jungkook is lame."

Hobi rolls his eyes and adjusts the sunglasses perched on top of his head, nestled amidst the peroxide blonde cropped hair. "You… you are the lame thing about Jungkook."

"Thanks."

"So, you're getting involved with the fundraiser?"

"I am. My boss here is providing refreshments for the event. She gives the leftover pastries and stuff to the homeless shelter and she's going to alternate it so Rainbow Bubble gets some now."

"I don't know a lot about Jungkook but I do know that every year he focuses on this event. A friend of Jimin’s decorates the gym and does rainbow balloon arches."

"He got involved with Rainbow Bubble because he wanted people like me to have the help and support. I had support, lots of love and a home and I still couldn't face up to things. Indirectly he’s helping people like him too… no one should be put through what I put him through."

"You also had a big group of straight friends that made you feel like being gay was wrong. The only queer you knew was yourself before I came along and we weren't really proper friends back then. Look at how different we all were. You had support and a boyfriend but couldn't accept your sexuality yourself. I was openly bi which made me a part of the LGBTQIA+ community, with an IDGAF attitude and a family that turfed me out. Jungkook was a combination of both of us, with a great family and acceptance all around of his sexuality. Everyone has a different story. I run a free gym session and yoga class for the kids that board at the Rainbow Bubble dorm. Jimin always helps out on those weeks because he knows how much a place like that would've helped me. If I'd met and fallen for a woman, my family could've pretended I was straight until they caught me at pride wearing pink, blue and purple ." Hobi giggles. He spent a long time wondering which section he belonged to. He knew he wasn't straight, that much was obvious but flit between 'bi' and 'queer' as that's where he felt most comfortable. He planned on being with Jimin forever and that was what mattered to him.

“It’s not easy to hear that I had such a negative impact on his life though. My issues should never have become his issues.”

“No, they shouldn’t but you have a chance to change that so that your impact on his future is positive. Not everyone gets a second chance.”

“That’s why I’m going all out so he knows I mean business. I don’t ever want him to regret giving me that chance.”

“And even if it doesn’t work out this time…”

“It will!”

“Tae… there is a chance that it won’t… you are different people now with twelve years of life experience… he might fart in bed now?”

“What’s wrong with that?”

“You might not like it. He might make slurping noises when he eats?”

“It will work, Hobes.”

“Okay, okay… give me a shout when we need to add a ‘plus one’ to that dinner invitation, huh?” Hobi grins.

Tae’s smile shows all his front teeth, “I will!”

***

“Taking posters, eh?” Siwan asks with a sceptical tone.

“Oh… you think it’s an excuse to see Tae?” Jungkook replies as he gathers up posters into a file.

“That’s exactly what it is. I’ve worked with you for years and you’ve always been open about your relationship with Tae and the impact that had on your life. I remember that kid you took to Rainbow Bubble and why you’re so passionate about that charity.”

“Should I go to O’Clock on a day when he isn't working to drop everything off?”

“If you want? Have you forgiven him for the fake profile?”

“I have to? He’s probably right, if he’d shown up here I might not have spoken to him. If he’d sent me a message, I probably would’ve ignored it. I think it would’ve been different if we were six months down the line but he said it was just to make initial contact.”

“If you wouldn’t have given him your time had he just shown up, why give him time now you know it’s him?”

“I wouldn’t have spoken to him because I’m an idiot. I wouldn’t have heard him out and probably regretted it but pride would’ve won out and I wouldn’t have got back in touch with him. The fake profile, as stupid as that was, started communication and allowed me to see and feel what I wouldn’t have given the chance had circumstances been different.When we were talking and I didn’t know it was him, I stopped messaging others because there was something about him. We clicked and conversation was so easy.”

“It was so obvious that someone was stoking the fire.” Siwan winked.

“Yeah.”

“What time are you going to the coffee shop?”

“After I’ve spoken to Hobi. That air needs clearing and since I’m not an ostrich, there are things that need to be said.”

“That’s a bigger shock than finding out you were catfished by your ex, huh?”

“Not really a shock but moving forward I want to know what the situation is. Hobi and I haven’t ever really said more than a few sentences to each other so I can’t blame him for not telling me but I can’t have that now.”

“Transparency is important so everyone knows where they stand.”

“Exactly that. I would rather not be complaining about one to the other whilst not knowing that they were friends.”

“It’s always best to slag one friend off to another with the knowledge that they are mates.” Siwan laughed.

“Definitely. I wouldn’t say anything that couldn’t be said with both in the room anyway but I tend to operate a ‘no secrets’ zone where possible.”

“Understandable. Oh… I’ve got some bookings for the charity event and a parent asked if we have an age limit for the boxing matches? Her son wants to take part, he’s thirteen. It got me thinking that perhaps we could have a teen event? Just some basic sparring like we do here but for the charity event as some of the kids want to raise money for it.”

“Okay… yeah… we’ll need to follow the guidelines but if the kids want to get involved then why not? We have teen bouts so it would be the same as that. Can I leave that with you?”

“Sure. I’m on it! I’m processing the booking forms for the entrants for the adult matches. Some want to take part but have never boxed before so I’ll pair those guys up together. We’ve got strict rules for the matches and they are only three minutes long. It’s been engineered for novices.”

“We can brainstorm tomorrow. I need to get going. Hobi is between classes so I’m going up to speak with him then I’ll be out this afternoon.”

“Do-Seok is coming in early so he’ll set up for your evening class. Take your time.” Siwan grins.

Jungkook says ‘thanks’ and ignores the grin. He’s known Siwan for years and was someone he wanted on board as soon as he started the boxing gym. They met when they were taking their instructing qualification and kept in touch when Jungkook was a personal trainer and Siwan went into bodybuilding and MMA. Recently, Do-Seok entered the fray, an old friend of Siwan’s who had given up MMA and wanted to be more hands on with teaching others. They were a good team and they ran the business well.

Hobi was glugging down some water when Jungkook appeared and smiled as he approached.

“I feel like we should formerly introduce ourselves again.” Hobi said.

“I think I’m at a slight disadvantage here… I’m Jungkook and I believe my ex is one of your friends?”

Hobi smirks at the sarcastic tone, “Nice to meet you, Jungkook. I’m Hoseok, the friend of the guy you’re sort of dating, who was formerly your ex.”

“I see that you are up to date?”

“I saw him yesterday.”

“So you know I’m going to the coffee shop today?”

“To make sure he works there… yeah he said you were going there.”

“Did he say he thinks I’m going there to make sure he’s telling me the truth?”

“No. Tae hasn’t said anything slightly negative about you… ever. That was my opinion based on what he’s told me.”

“He’s never spoken badly of me?”

“Why does that surprise you? I didn’t know you two were together by the way. Let’s get this cleared up… I met Tae at university but dropped out as I was going through some shit. I suspected a lot but he didn’t ever say. We spoke via text every so often and I saw him the day he left, that’s when I knew for sure. We still didn’t speak that often as he was on a mission to destroy himself but over the years we got close. You were never discussed, Jungkook. You and I didn’t have any kind of friendship for me to tell you I was Tae’s friend and even if I’d have told you, would it have made any difference?”

“That answers a lot of questions, thanks. There was no merit in telling me and you’re right, we barely spoke anyway so there wasn’t any point in it. I’m not here to complain that you never told me. I’m here because I think we need transparency moving forwards.”

“That’s fair and as I thought, to be honest. I only told Tae that we have a connection recently because I didn’t think he could handle it before now. He’s worked so hard on himself and I know he’s been an idiot and gone about it the wrong way but he is on a mission to make sure you know he understands that he treated you badly.”

Jungkook feels uncomfortable talking about his past relationship with Tae. The residual feelings of secrecy also left their mark. “He didn’t treat me badly and that’s not how I see it.”

“How do you see it?”

“I’d prefer to discuss that with him. We’ve got a lot to talk about.”

“Fair enough. Look, Tae told me that you aren’t such a believer in what people say and I wanted to say that Tae has become a very proactive person. He’s not afraid to put himself out there and make changes. It’s not always been for the right reasons but he will ‘do’ as well as ‘say’.”

“I learnt that words and promises can be empty when they aren’t backed up. I don’t say anything I wouldn’t follow through with.”

“And he understands that.”

“You are the only person I’ve spoken to that knew us at the time, apart from my family.”

“Like I said, I didn’t really ‘know’ anything but the first day I met him he was hiding in the gym watching you practise. I saw you look for him when he left, you were the only one who looked over in our direction. But Tae didn’t talk about it and there’s still a lot I don’t know. As corny as it sounds, he locked you away in his heart… I hope you guys can make it work.”

“Thanks. Maybe I’ll start saying hi more often.”

“Maybe we could grab a coffee when the rent is due.”

“Sure.” Jungkook says as both men smile at each other having cleared the air.

It was a minefield to think of how much there was to discuss and Jungkook found that they were moving forwards thanks to the dating app conversations, without any effort at all. He was torn between wanting to put the brakes on and take things slowly but also allowing things to develop naturally and learn about each other. The scariest thought was the one that told him that once his heart believed that Tae was trustworthy, there wasn’t anything standing in their way.

----- CHAPTER BREAK -----

Going to a cafe or street food outlet was something Jungkook always used to do and then he started seeing Tae and he hoped it would be something they could do together but he still visited alone and it became a takeaway so he could take it to his boyfriend instead. It was difficult, like everything connected to his relationship with Taehyung because their bedroom picnics and turning up at his house with a bagful of food had happy memories. At the time he was living it, it was the hope that being official was within touching distance that made it okay. It was the laughter in Tae’s bedroom, the intimacy when Mr Kim was at work and the love that bloomed that made being a secret something he could handle. He wanted for the Tae he saw behind closed doors to be the Tae he danced with at parties and shared a sneaky kiss with before their next lesson at university.
As soon as they were outside, it was as if the shutters came down and Tae was a much duller version of himself. Jungkook kept his distance at university because it was easier that way. He'd seen Tae laughing with his friends but it was always muted and Jungkook knew it wasn't true happiness. When 'his' Tae smiled and laughed, most of his front teeth showed, the apples of his cheeks bulged and his eyes glimmered. If Tae was laughing, his eyes half closed and sometimes his nose wrinkled. He'd wanted 'his' Tae to be free from his demons and walk amongst his friends without the turmoil he was in.Jungkook hadn’t been to O’Clock before and he knew that the jitteriness he was feeling had nothing to do with going into a new establishment. The restyling of his hair as he got off the bus and brushing down his all black ensemble of jeans, t-shirt and denim jacket, also had nothing to do with meeting the owner to give her the posters and details of the charity event. He’d looked at himself in the mirror last night and thought he looked old. He wasn’t the youthful looking twenty-one year old that watched as his boyfriend walked away. He knew Tae loved him but that didn’t necessarily mean that there was the chemistry and attraction that they had in the past. Jungkook’s type had always been the ‘pretty boy’. The guys who were naturally quite angelic with soft features. He was attracted to the man who Jungkook would describe as ‘beautifully handsome’, who in the gay world would probably be called ‘femme’ and Tae was all those things rolled into one perfect package.
At high school, Tae was noticeable. He’d caught Jungkook’s eye a few times but they moved in different circles so they hadn’t met until the party in their first semester at university. Jungkook thought about that first interaction a lot recently. He’d been surprised when he’d turned around and seen Tae sitting on the floor. He’d left the party to get some fresh air, he’d seen Tae inside earlier in the evening and planned on making an excuse or finding a way to speak to him. It was obvious that Tae was different from his friends from the way the others acted as they flirted so it was an easy assumption to make that Taehyung wasn’t straight. Jungkook couldn’t be sure though and didn’t like to presume as Tae could’ve just been shy in comparison to his friends. When they spoke outside, nerves got the better of Jungkook and he chastised himself afterwards for being so forward and bombarding Tae. He was sure that Tae wouldn’t contact him as he’d appeared to not really want to talk to Jungkook at all so he was pleasantly surprised when the text messages started. Jungkook was a confident guy but nervousness magnified that confidence and sometimes he was a little ‘too much’ which is what he feared had happened with Tae but his feelings changed over the course of time when they initially met to discuss Jungkook’s assignment and he became more himself.
He found Tae’s shyness endearing and he truly felt an attraction on both sides. There were little signs, little moments that built up and merged into his belief that his instinct was right and Tae fancied him. He’d tried subtle hints and gentle flirting but Tae was so shy that it put doubt into Jungkook’s head. He didn’t want to ruin the friendship he felt they were forming if he offended him. There were so many things to consider… if Tae wasn’t gay and Jungkook made a move, he would look like a complete idiot himself and possibly set himself up for backlash. If Tae wasn’t straight he might not have been attracted to Jungkook and in that case, Jungkook would feel like a different kind of idiot for misreading the signs. It was a gamble but he couldn’t continue working so closely without knowing one way or another so when he was presented with the opportunity to kiss Tae, he took it and immediately regretted it when Tae turned his face away. The memory of their first kiss was painful but in a different way to other memories. The hurt was born from how closeted Tae was, how scared he looked and how obvious the war raging inside him was. The hurt was quickly replaced with fondness because at that moment, Tae had shown so much trust in Jungkook. He trusted Jungkook to guide him and coax him out of the battle and that’s what Jungkook attempted to do for three years but there came a point when it wasn’t fair to either of them to allow the situation to continue.Jungkook’s world went from fluffy clouds and rainbows to grey skies and even though he would have said that the sun was peeking through the clouds these days, there was always something missing and that something kept the sunshine at bay. He didn’t think he was the sort of guy to give an ex another chance but there wasn’t an ex of his that had the impact on his life that Tae had so he didn’t get too caught up with those thoughts. The fact was that when he looked at his life and all the partners he’d had, for whatever length of time they’d been in his world, he hadn’t missed anyone as much as he’d missed Tae. He’d also not found the depth of connection that he’d had with Tae and it was the possibility that it was all still there that made him want to give him a second chance.Nerves were at play as he strode up to the entrance of O’Clock, his hand trembling slightly as he slid the door open and stepped inside. It was a classy little bistro on first impression. Completely pastel and white with huge windows and ceiling fans. It had such a spacious, fresh, airy feeling to it with booths, single tables, breakfast bars with high stools and a small rear decked seating area it had seating options for everyone. Over to the left was the serving counter and then he saw Tae…… this time it was a different kind of disbelief, not one tinged with shock and deceit. The jitteriness in his stomach was no longer down to nerves as old feelings stirred, waking from their slumber. He saw the way Tae’s eyelashes fluttered and his eyes darted away, shyness still present and that sent Jungkook’s mind into chaos because for a split second he saw ‘his’ Tae.He needn’t have worried about the strength of his feelings because from his side at least, there was a lot still present even after twelve years but he wasn’t willing to just hand himself over just yet. He still believed that he needed Tae to prove himself, to show him that things would be different this time so he needed to protect himself for now.“Hey… Koo… Jungkook.” Tae beamed, walking from behind the counter in the most awkward greeting known to man.“Please don’t stop yourself from calling me Kookie, it was something you always did.”“I didn’t want you to think I was being overfamiliar.”“Tae, we can’t pretend that we don’t have history. I want you to be you and you can’t do that if you’re worrying about me and what I think.”“I want to say and do the right things.”“Just be yourself. I’m sure we are both mature enough now to say something if one says something the other doesn’t like.”“You look really good… by the way.”
“Thanks.” Jungkook is taken aback and he’s left wondering about all of the ‘firsts’ they will have. Tae hadn’t ever told him he looked good or nice before. It was partly due to never going anywhere and partly down to confidence, Jungkook never knew why.“I’ve set up a table out the back because it’s quiet out there and I thought we could talk. My boss has gone out for lunch but will be back later. She told me to ask you to leave the stuff with me if you can’t wait around and she would call you or stop by the gym.”“I don’t have anything on until my class this evening so I can hang around if things go well. I’m happy to sit and wait if you need to go back to work.”“I’ve finished my shift today. I was here at 6am. I’ll get our drinks and take us to the table.”Jungkook nods and watches Tae return to behind the counter. He emerges with two reusable cups and gestures for Jungkook to follow him. Outside the sun is shining but it’s not too hot. The garden area is cute with potted plants and several white rattan tables dotted around. The area isn’t huge but it’s enclosed by fences and is a tranquil escape from the hustle and bustle of the street.
There is one table that catches Jungkook’s eye. It’s the only one set up with a selection of small cakes and sweet treats. Tae smiles nervously as they both take a seat on opposite sides of the table and he offers Jungkook one of the cups.“I kind of hope you’ll come back so you can bring this cup with you and you get a discount because it’s reusable. I set this up then I thought it might be too much and maybe you have a special diet with all the exercise you do… you don’t have to eat any of it.”Jungkook removes his denim jacket and hangs it over the arm of the cuboid chair he’s sitting in. “Bungeo-ppang?” He says, taking notice of the little fish shapes on the serving plate.“Do you still like it?”“Yeah… erm… these are all of my favourites.”
“I didn’t know if they still were.”“Thanks for the cup. I’ll try and remember it when I come back. And I eat what I want, really. I have to go easy on the fried chicken of course.”“This should’ve been our first date… I should’ve told you it was me and let you decide whether to meet me or not. I hope this can make up for that.”“Are we out here because it’s quiet or because we are hiding?” Jungkook felt the atmosphere change but he needed to know, it crossed his mind and it was a deal breaker for him now.Tae’s heart sinks but he promised himself that he would tackle everything head on, no matter how scary it was (unless it was about reading messages and then he would beg his Father to do that bit). “It can get quite noisy inside and I know we have lots of things to talk about so I set up the table out here but we can go inside… right now… we can move it all… I’m not hiding you, Kookie… I’m not. Some team members asked me if this was a date and I didn’t know what to say but they know I am trying to win you back… I told them… you can go and ask any of them… I will stay here so you know I haven’t got to them first.”“Win me back? Is that what you’re trying to do?”Tae looks down at the table, blush creeping into his cheeks, “That’s what I want to do… do you want to move inside?”“No, but I had to ask. I’ve thought a lot about what we need to talk about to be able to move forwards and there are a few things but I can’t see the point in dragging everything up. Us being a secret was damaging to us both, Tae. Hiding away put me back in the closet and I felt like I was bound by rules that I couldn’t do anything about. I was so proud to be with you and wanted to shout it from the rooftops but you couldn’t even say the words ‘I am gay’ so I understood why we kept our relationship hidden.” Jungkook feels his throat thicken and he takes a few sips of his drink through the straw of the cup.“It was so much easier to live two lives and keep us separate. I thought that by doing that I was keeping everyone happy but I was making everyone miserable. I was hurting you and I’m sorry for not seeing that.”Jungkook knew this would be difficult. He hadn’t opened up to anyone about his true feelings because it hurt so much. The hurt now formed in his eyes and he swallowed before speaking, “Why wasn’t I enough?”“What?” Tae says with a big dose of confusion.“Why wasn’t I enough for you?” A tear escapes and Jungkook quickly swipes it away, thankful that they were alone.Tae didn’t understand and he didn’t know what to say but he felt like his heart was breaking as he looked into the face of the man he loved. He doesn’t know if it’s the right thing to do but he reaches across the table with one hand and takes hold of Jungkook’s hand.“I… I don’t understand… how can you ask me that? You were everything! You were patient and supportive, kind, encouraging, loving and everything anyone could want.”Jungkook lets Tae take his hand, “But I wasn’t enough for you? You wouldn’t get help, you didn’t even try to come out… then you left me… leaving was the right thing to do because the situation as it was wasn’t good for either of us but you could’ve stayed… you could’ve fought… so… I can’t have been everything, Tae.”“It was me… I was the problem. I thought that if I came out I would lose my friends and that society would see me differently and I didn’t know where I fit in. I felt like I was being pulled in so many different directions and when the deadline passed for that final chance, I knew I’d blown it so I left… I didn't let you accept that r.s.v.p... I thought I could reinvent myself somewhere else. I thought I could continue to hide who I was. I told myself that I stayed away because I loved you so much…” Tears fall as he continues, “... I was no good for you so I thought that leaving and giving you freedom meant you could be happy… you deserved someone who could treat you as you deserved.”More tears trickled down Jungkook’s cheeks, “I wanted you… you were what I wanted but every time you went back on your word I felt rejected. I wanted so much for you to accept who you were, that if you couldn’t do it for you… that I… that we would be enough.”“How can I make it right?” Tae adjusts his hand that is covering Jungkook’s and he feels like the situation is slipping away from him.“I just want to matter to you… to belong… to feel that it’s not just me who wants this.”Tae responds quickly, before Jungkook disappears because that’s how it feels right now. “You do! You do matter… I’m all in, Kookie… all in… I will show you that I mean it… I won’t give up… unless you tell me to… will you let me show you?”The little rivers of tears flow freely, “I’m scared, Tae… I can’t go through that again… I want to believe what you say but…”Tae lets go of Jungkook’s hand and stands up. He shuffles the table a little bit out of the way so he has room to get onto his knees in front of Jungkook. As Jungkook’s hands sit in his lap, Tae takes them in his own and squeezes them tight, looking up into the face of the man that is hurting twelve years on.
“You don’t have to believe me now… just let me show you… I want to win you back, Kookie… I know it’s going to be hard but I’ve been home six months and I’ve got a job and I’m not running anymore.”“You don’t even drink coffee.” Jungkook sniffles.“What?” Tae says, confused again.“Coffee Queen… that’s a stupid name… you don’t like coffee.”Tae sort of laughs, sort of scoffs and sniffles and he’s sure he looks like a right mess. “I know but I work here… will you give me that chance?”“Yeah… I want you to win me back, Tae.”“I will you know? Twenty years from now, you will remember all the things I did that won back your heart and trust… I promise.”“Don’t make promises you can’t keep, Tae… just show me.”“I will.”Jungkook moved his hands so he could lace his fingers with Tae’s and hold his hands properly. There was no doubt in his mind that he loved this man but loving Tae was never the problem. In twelve years he hadn't even been able to stop loving him so he didn't know any different.

----- CHAPTER BREAK -----

Tae was chewing the stylus from his phone, pondering over his list of things to do for Jungkook on a date. Yesterday was still fresh in his mind. The talk with Jungkook had been draining but also a real eye opener. It hadn’t ever occurred to him that Jungkook would view things that way and elevated the hurt when he realised that Jungkook thought it was because he wasn’t enough. It was a bitter pill to swallow but it was one thing that Tae could actually do something about. He couldn’t change the past as his Father and Hobi keep telling him but this was something he could ensure would never happen again. It felt tangible which could only be a good thing and he tried not to get caught up in feelings of remorse.Once he was back in his chair and off of his knees, they’d continued talking minus the tears. Jungkook was right, there wasn’t any point in focused discussions to drag everything up. They’d agreed that the fundamental points had been covered and if something came up that they needed to say they would deal with it then. They also agreed ‘no holding back’ when it came to questions and topics for discussion so if one of them needed to know, ask or talk about something they should send a message rather than store it up. There were so many happy memories that they started talking about those, how they regularly fell asleep holding their phones and how Tae was ticklish which is how Jungkook managed to get him to agree to make tea and how Mr Kim new that a bout of squealing and laughter from Tae would result in the kettle being the next sound.Tae’s boss interrupted the couple who were in a more light hearted situation by then and Jungkook gave her the giant envelope with everything in it. He told her all about Rainbow Bubble and about the fundraiser. She offered to provide full refreshments for the event which would be sold with all proceeds going to the charity. She put Tae forward as the member of staff to work on the stall at the gym that day and Tae blushed when she added that she was grateful to him for bringing it to her attention. She didn’t sit with them for long but Tae was hypnotised by Jungkook as he spoke so enthusiastically about it all.When Jungkook put his jacket on, Tae thought he was going to leave but he suggested walking Tae part of the way home and there wasn’t any way on earth that Tae was turning that offer down. They talked about all the different places that Tae had lived in and the reasons for the moves. He had it in his head that he wanted to settle somewhere, find a job, home and partner and every element of life was clumped together. Plus there was the fact that he’d usually met someone whilst at work or they knew someone he worked with so it was easier to move out of the area. Jungkook appeared to appreciate Tae’s candidness even if it was yet another subject that was difficult for them both.“Yo! TaeTae!”Tae looked up, stylus still in his mouth, “Do you have to greet me as if I am as young as you?”
Ho-Lee laughs, “You could pass for twenty.”“Sure. Are you sure those glasses are the right prescription for your eyes?”“Shall I go back to calling you Hyung?”“No! No, just stick to Tae.”“TaeTae?”“If you have to when no one else is around.”“Gotcha! What are you doing?” Ho-Lee was drawn to his colleague from the second Tae started working at O' Clock and he liked spending his breaks talking to him. He was the only one Tae told about Jungkook and that was mainly down to the fact that Ho-Lee's sister worked in the coffee shop near the bus stop on the other side of town and she'd told him what happened. Ho-Lee knew everyone it would seem because that conversation led to the realisation that he also knew people who went to boxing classes and others who used Hobi’s gym. He was also the nephew of the owner of O' Clock."Writing a list of ideas for dates.""Can I see? What have you written so far?""Everland…""A theme park is such a cool date. Have you been on that pirate ship? And the Hurricane and the coaster.""... I don't like high things.""What? Why is that on your list then?""Kookie loves rides. He always was a big thrill seeker.""So you're going somewhere you will hate?""It's not about me.""Okay… what else?""Pride picnic but that needs some thought.""You've got some time to plan that though. We decorate here so the community knows this is a safe place at Pride.""You do?""Yeah. My Aunt has always supported it. We were on a float one year because one of my cousin is a drag queen.""That explains why I was employed here, then.""My Aunt doesn't like it that companies turn people down because they aren't heterosexual. But she also thinks that their loss is her gain.""True.""So what else are you planning? Are you entering the charity boxing match? That's literally fighting to win him back!""I'm working the refreshments stand.""I'll do that… you should enter!""I've never boxed in my life.""But there's a section for people who haven't boxed before. It's for charity.""Your Aunt has put me in charge of refreshments.""You can still be in charge. I'll take over when you're fighting for your man.""Kookie isn't the prize.""No but like you said, you've never boxed before so that's putting yourself out of your comfort zone.""I did say that I wanted to be involved." Tae smiles."There you go then!" Ho-Lee says enthusiastically."We'll keep this between us for now.""Of course. Just because everyone else runs their mouths off, doesn't mean I do."
When Ho-Lee leaves to start his shift, Tae ponders over their conversation. He didn't know the first thing about exercise, let alone boxing but he knew a man who he was sure could help.TAECould you teach me the basics of boxing?HOBIAren't you dating a boxing trainer?TAEAre we dating? I don't know what our status is? Anyway! I want to sign up for the charity event as a surprise so I can't ask him.HOBIYou're arranging dates that he's agreed to go on. How are you not dating?TAEFair point but it feels like he's my sort of boyfriend if I say we are dating and I don't want to get ahead of myself.HOBIFair enough but that is where you're heading.TAEBoxing?HOBISure, I can teach you. Getting beaten up in the name of love is a bit dumb if you ask me.TAEI only asked if you'd teach me the basics. I didn't ask anything else.HOBIObviously I don't need to be asked then.TAEWhen can we start?HOBII take it that you're not coming to the gym?TAENo.HOBII'll meet you at the outside gym in the park. If it rains you can come to my place but the park is better, I can meet you during your lunch break as it's closer.TAEThanks! Am I really going to get beat up?HOBINot when I'm training you.Tae takes a deep breath. He decides not to complete the booking form until the deadline but he can also see that there's a planned round where spectators can have a go in the ring so he thinks that would be a good option. If he fills in the form, Jungkook would know and he'd like it to be a surprise. He doesn't know anything about boxing and he wants to show Jungkook that he will make the effort to be a part of his world and what better way to show it than to actually get in the ring?His phone alarm signals the end of his break but he sends Jungkook a quick message as he slots the stylus back into place.COFFEE QUEEN - My Appa is out this weekend. If you're free, would you like to come over?BOXING BUNNY - Why does your Appa have to be out?COFFEE QUEEN - He doesn't but I'd rather not sit and watch a movie that he chooses. His choices are lame.
BOXING BUNNY - I can do Saturday? What time and are we ordering food? Should I bring food?COFFEE QUEEN - I'll cook. Is 6 too early?BOXING BUNNY - You cook? 6 is only too early if it's 6am.COFFEE QUEEN - No way am I cooking at 6am. Yes, I cook.BOXING BUNNY - I won't expect breakfast in bed then.BOXING BUNNY - Wait! Sorry! That was presumptuous. I didn't mean Sunday morning.BOXING BUNNY - or any morning. Sorry.Tae should be back behind the counter but he's blinking profusely at his phone, finger hovering over the keyboard as the messages come through. Does that mean that Jungkook was thinking about sleeping with him? Tae wanted desperately to kiss the tears away yesterday and goodbye was a little bit awkward as neither of them made the move. He’d thought about having Jungkook in his bed, which was the same bed he’d had him in all those years ago. Tae didn’t have any plans to take Jungkook to his bedroom in case it was a bit too much. But did Jungkook’s messages mean that he was thinking about sex, too?COFFEE QUEEN - You told me to be myself so the same applies to you. If something you say bothers me, I would tell you.COFFEE QUEEN - Did we decide if 2 messages was spam?COFFEE QUEEN - 3 definitely is.He doesn't want either of them to hold back, whether that was talking about something difficult or something positive. It was quite clear that they had a mutual attraction and as two red blooded males, that was bound to manifest into flirting, innuendos and suggestive comments. They were sort of dating so it was normal but he wondered if they were placing abnormalities on their situation because of their past.
BOXING BUNNY - We should make 4 messages spam.
BOXING BUNNY - Okay. I will try not to overthink it and be my normal self.COFFEE QUEEN - 4 messages it is!COFFEE QUEEN - I think we have to try to see this as a normal dating situation.COFFEE QUEEN - Not that we're officially dating or anything.COFFEE QUEEN - But we are 2 normal guys."Shit!" Tae mutters. That was definitely spam and he should think before pressing send!
BOXING BUNNY - If emojis worked on this app, I would use the one crying with laughter. I think we need to chill out a bit?BOXING BUNNY - Update, 5 messages is classed as spam.BOXING BUNNY - Would you like to be officially dating? I mean, we've agreed to go on dates & I accepted your proposal to win me back. That's dating? Right?Tae wishes he wasn't at work so he could message Jungkook all day but he really has to start the rest of his shift that is now longer because he'll need to add on the time he's spent hiding in the staff room on the unplanned extended break.COFFEE QUEEN - 5 it is. Chilling out, definitely. Officially dating it is! I should go, I need to go back to work. Talk later.Tae doesn't wait for the reply in case it requires a response so he slips his phone in his pocket and dashes out of the staff room. His mind is like tangled spaghetti in a colander and he doesn't think pouring cold water over himself would aid the situation. Nothing would be able to remove the smile from his face and he couldn't object to the aching that he expected in his face later on because nothing could dampen the feeling that was a consequence of the fact that he was officially dating Jungkook.***“No need to ask who you’ve been messaging.” Siwan says as he places a kettlebell on the floor, setting up for his next class.Jungkook looks over to where his friend is carrying another kettlebell, “You never ask anyway.”“I know and nowadays there’s no need even if I wanted to. Your expressions have been hilarious.”“Haven’t you got a class to set up for? I know that you have better things to do instead of watching me.”“I know you guys have history and I can’t say that you’ve been miserable since I’ve known you but these days you look happy. Whatever decisions you’re making, they must be the right ones.”“Only time will tell if I’ve made the right decisions. He’s invited me to his place on Saturday.”“Didn’t you say he was living with his Appa?”“Yeah, in the same place I spent most of our relationship.”Siwan places the last kettlebell on the floor and starts combing through his hair with his fingers so he can tie his shoulder length ebony locks into a bun. “How’s that going to be for you?”“Strange, I suppose?”“Why aren’t you having him at your place if he lives with his Appa?”“Because he invited me to his and his Appa will be out. He says he’s cooking for us and the Tae I knew only went near an oven if he was walking past it to get to the kettle to make a pot of instant ramen.”“If he was the same guy that you knew back then, you wouldn’t have given him a chance though so change is good, no?”“In many ways he is the same guy but that’s a good thing and the changes are also good.”“Did he used to have a single bed or a double?”“Why are you thinking about my boyf… Tae’s bed.”Siwan doesn’t acknowledge what he suspected Jungkook was about to say and it said a lot about how he still naturally thought about Tae and how much he actually hadn't moved on emotionally. “I was just thinking it could be amusing, two grown men squeezing into a single bed.”“For your information he has a double bed and I’ve not even thought about it.”“Sure… sure you haven’t. There’s no way you’ve not thought about it, Kook. There has been too much blushing and too much grinning for me to believe you so you tell yourself whatever you want.”“This whole situation is driving me crazy, Siwan. I know that one thing will lead to another so easily and I don’t know if that’s the right thing to do.”“Why are you questioning it? Did you have a good sex life with him before?”“Yeah… but it was complicated I suppose… we’ve both had twelve years of experience now.”“Sounds like it is about to be a whole lot better then. You have the love and attraction there already which is both a good and bad thing if you don't want to jump into bed with him straight away. You are worrying too much. Yeah you guys have a past but there has to be a point when you focus on now. You need to discover who you are now.”“You sound like my Eomma.”“I’m taking that as a compliment and we can’t both be wrong. You need to chill out.”“Ironically, that’s what I told Tae earlier.”“Follow your own advice then.”“Noted!”Jungkook left Siwan to it as his class arrived. He had a client due soon for a personal training session and had a few things to do before then. He did need to relax, especially after his chat with Tae at O’ Clock yesterday which was difficult but beneficial. It wasn’t easy to admit that their relationship left him with feelings of rejection and low self worth but he needed to explain. At the time he thought he was giving the relationship everything. He did all he could but nothing was good enough and that left its mark. It made him give less in the relationships after that and he sat back, wanting the other person to put the effort in. It probably wasn’t the right way to go about it and changed again, deciding that compromise and meeting someone halfway was better. He had been on his own journey of self discovery but he always hoped that he would get the chance to find out from Tae himself what he did wrong… and the answer was ‘nothing’.
To see the confusion on Tae’s face when he asked why he wasn’t enough was a revelation in itself. It was reassuring in one sense but also sad because it wouldn’t have mattered what he did, the chances are that Tae would have kept their relationship a secret forever. So he had to come to the conclusion that as heart breaking as it was, the decision to give Tae the ultimatum was essentially the thing that was needed.
Now he had to trust himself that he would know the right thing to do at the right time… whatever that meant.

----- CHAPTER BREAK -----

Tae needed to stop pacing! He’d changed his outfit five hundred times, restyled his hair, plumped the cushions on the sofa, cleaned the lounge, set the small dining room table in the kitchen, cooked the rice, prepared the vegetables and thinly sliced the marinated beef.

He was so nervous. He’d never cooked for Jungkook so this was another first. Whilst thinking about all the firsts he came up with the idea of a scrapbook so he’d been shopping and bought one. His plan was to decorate it and gift it to Jungkook but he also had the idea that perhaps it was something they could do together? His head was full of ideas and he wanted to show Jungkook that he meant every word he said.His first boxing session with Hobi went badly. Tae was reminded of why he wasn’t into exercise of any kind. He had some small dumbbells in his bedroom that were the weight of two small jars of kimchi but they made him feel like he was on his way to getting guns when he was a teenager. Now they gathered dust and he had no desire to pick them up. He didn't know he had to dodge Hobi’s gloved fist but thankfully the contact was light and there wasn't any evidence on his jaw. Tae was sure that his friend's patience would waver as the sessions went on because he was truly useless. There was very limited time, however, the charity event would be upon them before they knew it so he could only do so much and Hobi couldn’t work magic so what would be would be.The sound of the door chiming made his stomach sink then flip and churn all at once, a big mixture of excitement, apprehension and a splash of fear. Tae wasn’t new to the dating scene but this felt new and it was the fear of messing it all up that made it difficult. There have been so many realisations and comparisons to their relationship in the past and one of those realisations was how little effort was involved on his part. During his therapy sessions he would talk about Jungkook and it was always what Jungkook did, what Jungkook said and part of wanting a second chance was to show that he could step up. In his other relationships he went through a phase of over exerting himself, forcing the situation because the one realisation that took time to come, was the one where it was Jungkook that he wanted. It was one thing to have the thought sitting somewhere deep in his mind, masking it with the belief that being openly gay and throwing himself into a relationship would make him happy and give him what he was searching for.Being openly gay was good for Tae. Great for his mental health. Fabulous to have the freedom from the chains of denial…… Throwing himself into a relationship was not good. Diving in head first was a mistake. Being the one to initiate everything, learning to cook so he could woo a partner, going over the top with gifts… failure after failure because none of it mattered when it wasn’t Jungkook.
That was the part that took a while to sink in and become reality. There was nothing wrong with the last guy. Tae couldn’t fault him but like the others, there was no longevity and all his efforts didn’t change how he felt. There was always that one ‘what if?’ and as his Father told him, he needed to confront the past.“Hey.” Jungkook greeted as Tae opened the door. He’d been glad of the hectic schedule he’d had as it managed to distract him until he was leaving his apartment, choosing to get the bus because walking over the bridge felt too familiar.For months after that explosive day when Tae walked away, Jungkook spent too much time on the bridge. It was like groundhog day but every time he got to the fifteenth concrete pillar with its frosted spherical top he could see that Tae wasn't there. Prior to the break-up, that was the point when the butterflies used to start because he could see Tae up ahead and on a rainy day, the umbrella was visible from pillar fourteen. He would stand in the rain as it poured down, shielded by the umbrella, hoping that Tae would turn up and tell him he wanted to stay and he was willing to do what it took… but the bridge was always empty.“Hey.” As much as he could kick himself for not realising sooner, he had to be grateful that he came to his senses eventually, even if it was twelve years later.“Something smells good.” It was strange to be standing in the home that held so many memories.
“Thank you, I bought new cologne.” Tae says with a grin.“Garlic is a strange choice.” He smirks.“It was worth it, obviously. It keeps the vampires at arms length.” Tae feels like he is staring. Jungkook’s hair is once again half pulled back into a ponytail, the other half framing his neck. He can see the tattoos beneath the sleeve of the black button down shirt and the smirk on his lips shoots Tae straight in the crotch area.
“I didn’t know what to bring so I bought a bottle of white wine. I don’t know if you drink wine or…” If it was a normal date situation he wouldn’t feel so awkward about that sentence but because it was Tae and they had history there was awkwardness about a lot of things. He should know whether Tae drinks wine and that’s what causes the coyness.“I don’t drink very much or often but we can have a glass of wine. Thanks.”
Tae puts two wine glasses on the kitchen counter and Jungkook sets about pouring the crisp, chilled liquid. “Have you been busy today?” He asks as he pours.“I went shopping for something and I’ve been preparing food.”“When did you learn to cook?”“A while ago. I was working in a hotel and the chef gave me lessons out of work hours.”Jungkook takes a sip from the wine glass because he’s hit with several emotions when Tae gives him certain bits of information. He’s always had a possessive streak and he has no right to feel that slight knotting in his stomach because they weren’t together and he was sure that Tae had been with many people in twelve years but his body still responds. His mind conjures up images that he’d rather not see of Tae receiving more than a cooking lesson on the stainless steel worktop of the hotel kitchen. Those thoughts are tinged with sadness because he’s reminded that he’s not been a part of Tae’s life and knows very little.
“Your culinary skills used to be limited to making a pot of ramen with boiled water.”“I’m now a professional at making a pot of ramen, I put a flavour sachet in with the boiled water now. I’ll save that for another date.” Tae grins.“I’ll look forward to that.”“Are you hungry? Would you like to eat now?”“Yeah, I’m always hungry.”“Some things never change, huh?”“I’m still pretty much the same person, I think, so… yeah… can I do anything to help with food?”“No, I’ve got this. You’re welcome to sit at the table.”Jungkook looks behind him to where the small square table has always been. He smiles when he sees the mini vase of fresh flowers in the middle and how neatly everything is laid out.
“The table looks nice. What’s this?” he asks, picking up a piece of cardboard.

“It’s my idea for the charity event. I thought about designing cup sleeves and that’s the prototype.”"You did this?" He asks, looking at the item in his hand.
"I did… unless you don't like it, then I didn’t.""It's great. What's your plan? We'll need lots of these."Tae is relieved as the beef sizzles in front of him. "My boss is going to get them printed so we don't need to worry about numbers. I want to put the official Rainbow Bubble logo on the front and my idea is to have your logo and O' Clock's details, too. People will take these away so I thought you could generate a QR code so people could donate afterwards?""That's a really good idea, Tae. You always were the creative one in this rela… umm… are you keeping it like this? Umm… the Rainbow?" It was so easy to slip into old ways, to refer to Tae as his boyfriend or speak about them as being in a relationship. When they'd been together he could only use those words and phrases when he was alone with Tae, alone with his Eomma or alone… just, alone. Having Tae back seemed to trigger parts of him that he'd long since buried or at least he thought he had.Tae thought they weren't holding back but there were obviously exceptions to that. "I think the rainbow is relevant. I was going to use the pot of gold as a reference for people donating.""I really like that idea. Can I help? You could use my laptop as I have all the logos and details on there… maybe you could come to the gym and use my office?"Tae looks over at Jungkook, "Really? That would be great. I could design it on your laptop then email it across to my boss.""I'm sure I've got some kind of design software but I don't know. You're welcome to take a look. My office is quiet usually so you won't very disturbed.""It depends who is disturbing me… I might not mind."Jungkook feels his cheeks heat up and is pleased that Tae is busy plating up their food. "I wouldn't be any help anyway. My creative side is the same standard it always has been. Siwan uses the office the most and Do-Seok tends to use the space he's standing in, to do whatever he needs to do.""Are they your business partners?""Not really. Siwan is my right hand man but not in a financial sense and Do-Seok is our bootcamp instructor, amongst other things."Tae gets a small grinding in his stomach as he's reminded that Jungkook has people in his life that are close to him. It leads him to wonder if they know about him and what do they know? Is he the ex that broke Jungkook’s heart? Is he the guy who chose to run away instead of dealing with his issues and fighting for his man? Is he the man that people are wary of in case he hurts their friend again?
"Here… if you want more, it's on the hot plate." Tae says, placing a large bowl in front of Jungkook, piled high with stir fried vegetables and beef."Wow! And your rice is perfect." Jungkook says, taking a spoonful of rice from the separate ceramic bowl."Thanks." He knows he's blushing.
Jungkook tucks in, digging his chopsticks through the beef and vegetables and helping himself to the kimchi on the table."You eat spicy food now?" He asks as he sees Tae eating."No… it's just yours that is spicy." He smiles."Oh… so, no coffee or spicy food still… but you cook and eat strawberries?"Tae giggles, "Basically.""This food is so good.""Does that mean I can cook for you again?""Definitely."Tae couldn’t believe the happiness that one word could bring, “I was going to do strawberries for dessert but will save that for another time.”
"You used to eat strawberries all the time.""Remember when you bought me that strawberry cologne?"Jungkook giggles and swallows the food in his mouth. "It didn't smell anything like the strawberries.""No, it didn't but the lube did."Time pauses as they look at each other. They both feel it, the attraction that bubbles under the surface, still prominent as it always was but something they are both trying hard not to give in to.
“Yeah… I seem to remember you preferred the taste though.” Jungkook responds before putting his chopsticks down and sitting back in his chair.“I still do…” Tae says, gathering up the bowls ready to clear up, “... have you had enough to eat?”“Yeah, thanks.”Tae clears the table, instructing Jungkook to stay put but Jungkook helps anyway. It didn’t take long and Tae was excited about showing Jungkook his idea for the scrapbook.“I thought we could sit in the lounge? Maybe watch a movie or I’ll put the music channels on while we talk?”
Jungkook smiles, “Yeah. I don’t mind what we watch.”“I’ve got something to show you.” Tae says, as they enter the lounge.
Jungkook looks around, the decor is more or less the same as it used to be. The white walls with wooden flooring and crazy floral sofa and matching chairs that Tae always hated. The television looked new, bigger than he remembered and positioned on the wall, instead of a cabinet. He sits on the sofa and it is strange to be sitting in a part of the house where they didn’t really spend much time at all in the past. They were either making drinks in the kitchen or in Tae’s bedroom as Mr Kim would watch tv in the lounge or they ran the risk of being seen. Tae would open up more when they were in his bedroom and completely alone with the door closed so that’s where they spent most of their time, even with an empty house.“I had an idea and I don’t know what you think but…” Tae sits beside Jungkook and leans forwards to remove the scrapbook from the paper bag laying on the coffee table, “... I know that words alone aren’t enough so I thought we could build up a scrapbook of memories from now so we have a visual representation of our dates and stuff.”Jungkook looks at the hardback book with its blank pages and he likes the thought process behind it. There is a part of him that worries that they could fill it and if they can’t make it, they’d be left with a book of heartbreak and a reminder of what they could’ve had. He’s chastised quickly by the voice in his head that tells him nothing will work without a change of mindset and perhaps the scrapbook will be evidence of the time they turned their lives around.Jungkook’s ‘what ifs?’ used to be about a positive future but they were replaced with a negative set of ‘what ifs?’ born from fear of having it all slip through his fingers again. It’s a bitter pill to swallow when he’d put everything and more into the relationship the first time round but was simply left feeling that it wasn’t enough and it failed anyway. His instinct was to sit back and allow Tae to come to him and do the work but that also wasn’t who he was anymore and needed to find a way through it all.“I’ll leave the design work to you.” Jungkook says.“Do you think it’s something we could do together?”“Yeah, it’s a nice thought, Tae.”“I took a picture of the table and the food earlier so I can get those printed and add them in. I would like to formally ask you out on another date… I have tickets to Everland and we can go whenever you are free.”“You’re taking me to a theme park on a date?”“Erm… yeah?”“That’s amazing! I’d really like that. Have you been before?”“No. It’ll be a first for us together, huh?”“Lots of firsts, I’ve already thought about that. You’ll love Everland. I always wanted to take you there. Do you remember when I went with my family and my brother was sick?”“Yeah. I remembered that you liked the rides and I wanted to go somewhere you would enjoy.”Tae remembers that day when Jungkook went with his family because they’d been together for more than two years and he’d been invited. Jungkook was so excited and enthusiastic when his family surprised him with tickets for his birthday and he called Tae to ask him to go. That was one occasion out of many where Tae declined. He wasn’t ready to go anywhere with Jungkook as his plus one and he thought it would’ve been suspicious to go in case people guessed they were together. He remembers the change of tone in Jungkook’s voice from excitement to disappointment and yet as always, Jungkook told him he understood and finished the conversation with ‘when you are ready’. But Tae was never ready and Jungkook got to the stage where he couldn’t wait any longer.“We can arrange a date when you come to the gym?”“Okay. We can stick the tickets in the scrapbook, I can print them out.”“Thank you for arranging it.” Jungkook says.Tae feels pleased with himself as he picks up the remote for the tv and starts flicking through the channels. The silence is comfortable and the evening is going better than he’d hoped for even with the odd awkward point. He stops searching the tv channels when he finds ‘Zootopia’ and sits back.
“I love this movie and it’s just starting.” Tae says.“Even at 33, you’re still a big kid, huh?” Jungkook liked the movie too but he wasn’t going to divulge that information just yet.“Says the man who is excited about a theme park?”“Jungkook giggles, “Fair point.”As the movie starts, Tae’s left hand is resting on his leg but his pinky is touching Jungkook’s thigh and he’s desperate to touch. They’d agreed ‘no holding back’ but there were obviously exclusions to that but he didn’t know what those exclusions were. He remembered that Jungkook said that they were old enough to be honest if one did something unacceptable to the other but Tae was juggling with the lesser of two evils between being rejected and not doing what he wanted to do.
So he made his move…Jungkook giggled and craned his neck so he would look to his right where Tae was sitting close, “Tae.. did you really just yawn and pull a fake stretch move to put your arm around me?”The redness hit Tae’s cheeks so fast that he didn’t even have time to feel it happening as he sat with his left arm draped over the back of the sofa behind Jungkook.“I did… lame, right?”“More smooth than lame.” Jungkook adds, face turned, close enough to feel breaths exchanged.“Smooth, huh?” Tae says, feeling confidence replace embarrassment.Jungkook reaches behind him with his left hand and locates Tae’s hand resting on the floral fabric. He interlocks their fingers and brings their hands down to rest over his shoulder. It was a bold move on his part and he didn’t know if it was the right thing to do because suddenly he had Tae’s arm around him and they were very close but it was his way of meeting Tae half way since he started it.“Yeah… sort of lame but more smooth… though I see why you are single if that’s what you do.” Jungkook says playfully.“Technically I’m dating.”“You are. I stand corrected.”“I can be more smooth than lame.” Tae says quietly.“You can?” Jungkook’s heart hammers in his chest and the tv sounds loud as their voices are low.Tae reaches across with his right hand and gently rubs Jungkook’s cheek with his thumb, “Yeah.” He says as he lessens the gap between them, praying that Jungkook doesn’t move away. “I really want to kiss you.” He breathes.“Go on then.” Jungkook breathes back. Intense images from the past hit his mind as their lips touch but this was so very different. This was Tae instigating affection and it was Tae taking the lead, something that never once happened before.
Tae didn’t want to overstep the mark and pulled back, searching Jungkook’s eyes for a sign of how he was feeling. He didn’t know what to think because he was melting inside and Jungkook was so, so beautiful. He moved in again and this time he cautiously poked the tip of his tongue past his lips and sparks flew as he tasted the inside of Jungkook’s top lip. The squeeze of his hand urged him on and nothing else mattered when Jungkook’s tongue met his own.
Their lips slid against each other and their tongues became reacquainted after twelve long years that faded into nothingness. Jungkook placed his right hand on Tae’s thigh, his left still clutching the hand in his grasp. The equality in the kiss was making his head spin after the three years of being the teacher and instigator and he was tempted to slide into Tae’s lap to kiss him properly.
Tae keeps his hand on the side of Jungkook’s face, the overwhelming feeling of ‘coming home’ prominent in every cell of his body. He relishes the taste of Jungkook, this is where he belongs and he doesn’t want to stop the slow drag of their lips or the sound of nasal breaths. The heat from the palm resting on his thigh magnifies the sensuality of the occasion.The deep sound of a throat clearing startles both men who part. Tae turns towards the sound where his Father is standing.“Sorry for interrupting. Nice to see you Jungkook. I’m just passing through. I will be going out again.”“Mr Kim-ssi.” Jungkook says, bowing his head. He automatically jerks his hand away from Tae’s leg and goes to move his other hand and put some distance between him and Tae but his hand is held tight with Tae showing zero attempt to move. There’s internal panic as he feels they’ve been caught, turning his head to look at the man sitting close conversing with his Father, his brain feels confusion as to why Tae hasn't leapt away from him as was always the case.“Sorry for disturbing you both.”“Karaoke or cards?" Tae asks his father."Cards tonight. I'll grab my jacket and leave you to it.""It's in the kitchen."
"Where? I wouldn't have interrupted if I'd have seen it.""On the back of the chair.""I'll get going then. I'm sure I'll see you again soon, Jungkook. See you tomorrow morning, Taehyung.""Umm… have a good night." Jungkook says, still with his eyes on Tae.
Tae turns to face Jungkook when his Father has left the room, "I didn't expect him to come back, sorry.""Why are you apologising?""I thought he might’ve made you jump? We were a bit… erm… occupied… he scared me, that's for sure."Jungkook's brain attempts to catch up. It amazes him how easy it was to slip into old ways and now there's a fear that it will always be like this which he knows he can't handle. Tae looks at him with such innocence and speaks with a level of normality that is new to them and Jungkook reminds himself that he has to learn to trust this man.
"I think I should go. I'm sorry."Tae feels perplexed as Jungkook lets go of his hand, "What are you apologising for? What is it?""I don't know what I'm apologising for? Maybe because I automatically thought the worst when your Appa appeared? Because I expected you to run a mile from me and string a load of excuses together as to why we were sitting that close and how it wasn't anything…" Jungkook stands up, needing some space, "... but you didn't."Tae wants to cry as nausea returns and sits in his gut. "I won't be making excuses again. I want everyone to know we are together but we're not really together so I'm trying to judge every situation as it happens until, hopefully, we are together and I don't have to worry about overstepping the mark.""This is so complicated for both of us. Don't you wonder if it's worth the effort?"Tae wills the tears to stay put, no matter how much he wants to cry. He wants to be strong and to show Jungkook he means everything he says and standing there in floods of tears won't accomplish that.
"Of course I have. I moved back and have spent six months getting a job and putting plans in place for a life I may not end up living. I've had to map out two paths but I want this one, the one that leads to you. I'm not going to shy away from something because it's a lot of effort. I could've stayed in the closet… that was hard work but I made it. I have so many regrets, Kookie… so many and I've had to make peace that if at the end of this I have to live my life without you then I need to have no more regrets. I'm all in and I mean that. Please, give me that chance?""I won't go back on what I said. I said I would give you one more chance and I will… it's just situations like this, I wasn't prepared for. I'm scared, Tae. You were my everything once upon a time and I don't know if the fairytale exists."Tae steps forward and takes hold of Jungkook’s hands, "Please don't go, not like this.""If I sit down I know where it will lead because we'll kiss again and I don't think that's right either."
"Can I walk you home then?""So I can worry about you walking back on your own?""How about I walk you to the bridge then?""Okay."Tae feels a sense of relief as Jungkook agrees. The regret he also feels is tinged with guilt that his actions have led to this but he desperately wants to make it right. He has to take comfort that even though Jungkook is scared and panicking at times, he still wants to be with Tae. All the time that Tae is allowed the chance to win him back, he has hope that he will get to the goal at the end of this path.

----- CHAPTER BREAK -----

“How did he take it?” Su asks as she sits on a chair in the office at the gym.“He offered to walk me home.”“And?”“And what?”“Did you let him walk you home?”“Not the whole way. I left him at the bridge.”“I don’t think anyone could blame you for your reaction when Mr Kim arrived home and you did the right thing by telling him but if he hadn’t asked, would you have gone without explaining?”“Why does it always feel like you’re against me?” Jungkook says, taking a seat in his chair. He knows his Mother isn’t against him and there have been times when her different point of view has provoked another train of thought which usually helps. It’s all too easy to get caught up in his own head and when feelings are so strong, sometimes it’s a task to see things objectively. His Mother had a gift of knowing when to play devil's advocate and when to allow him to wallow. There were times after Tae left when Su knew that he was at the bridge but she understood that he needed to break the cycle himself and work through things in his own time. She made sure she was there for him, to cook and provide a shoulder to cry on and it wasn’t until he began to come out of the desolation that she spoke to him properly.“You know I’m never against you. I am asking the question so that I can understand. If I don’t ask and I only take your word for everything I only have your view and that doesn’t enable me to give you a rounded opinion. It doesn’t do people any favours to be surrounded by ‘yes’ people. There is a time and place for that.”“I know you’ll tell me what I don’t want to hear.”Su laughs, "That is usually the stuff you need to hear. Jungkook, you are my youngest child and I want for you to be happy. My honest opinion is that you did the right thing yesterday when you were honest. You've chosen to give Tae a chance and you need to let him prove himself to you. You don't trust his word but you are allowing him to win you back. You can't run away.""I got spooked by how normal Tae was. I expected him to jump away from me… he used to do that when his Appa knocked on his bedroom door… or if we were holding hands in the kitchen. Last night we were kissing when Mr Kim got home. I don't know how long he'd been there but my instinct was to protect us, to protect Tae by moving away but he didn't move at all."
“Kissing, huh? You left that bit out earlier.”“Does it matter?”“What matters is that Taehyung allowed his father to see you together which is a huge deal, no?”“Yeah, I suppose he acted the way anyone acts when they have a partner.”“The way you want him to act?”“Yeah, of course. Being kept a secret is what drove us apart in the end. I can never go back to that.”“You are the only one keeping you there now, even if your responses are understandable. You spent three years protecting Taehyung’s secret which you were a big part of but there aren’t any secrets anymore. He is surely showing you that?”“He is.”“So what are you scared of? Why was your instinct to leave last night?”Jungkook looks around the room, swivelling in his chair from side to side, “I’m scared it won’t work out. I said goodbye to him once and it broke my heart, Eomma. The thought of having to do that again… I can’t.”“I would argue that you might have verbally said goodbye but you didn’t ever really let him go… or we wouldn’t be here right now.”“You’re right. I keep comparing the Tae I see now to the Tae I used to know and it’s like… if I forget about the bad side of our past… this Tae is everything I’ve ever wanted… this is who I always wanted him to be for me and for himself. He’s been back for six months and he’s been putting everything in place and took a big risk in contacting me but he did it anyway… he is putting everything on the line in the hope that we work out. Last night was the first time he’d initiated affection.. Well… we were always affectionate but he always waited to follow my lead.”“I’m hearing a lot of positives… so what are you scared of? Fear of it not working out is a normal reaction to any relationship.”“I’m scared because I know I will lose control of myself so easily… it’s so easy to forget… when he kissed me last night… I knew… but I can’t let go of that pain because that’s the only thing that I feel is keeping me grounded.”“So it’s actually yourself that you don’t trust… you don’t trust yourself to remain grounded if you let go of the past. For what it’s worth… you won’t ever forget how it felt to lose something so precious but you have a second chance… not many get that opportunity. You’ve got a man here who also had his heart broken but he had to come to terms that it was his own doing and he had the power to change the outcome but didn’t. He’s trying to show you the outcome he wants now and if you weren’t on the same page you wouldn’t have given him a second chance and you wouldn’t be so fearful.”“Ugh! You talk so much sense…” Jungkook sighs and spins 180 degrees.***BOXING BUNNY - Are you still coming today?COFFEE QUEEN - Does that count as sexting?BOXING BUNNY - No because I wouldn’t have to ask, it would be a given.“Focus, Tae, focus.” he says to himself in a loud whisper as he types a response.
COFFEE QUEEN - Yes, is the answer. I’m on my way.He’d seen Jungkook briefly since the date at his house. Jungkook dropped something off to O’Clock and Tae happened to have made sure he was there. It was a very quick ‘hello’ and ‘goodbye’ as the boxing instructor was running late for an appointment with a client but Tae was glad of the opportunity all the same.
They’d been messaging a lot and there was definitely an increase in innuendos since that kiss… the kiss that had occupied his mind every second of every day since. There were far too many times that he thought he’d completely messed things up that night and when he was called out for the fake yawn and stretch move, he thought that was it! The moment he was given the green light to kiss Jungkook and their lips touched, Tae was gone… all of his fears ebbed away because he knew he hadn’t imagined anything and his love for Jungkook was every bit as real as his mind told him it was.He’d spoken to Hobi when they had another training session the next day and told him what happened afterwards and how he thought again that he’d messed things up when Jungkook wanted to leave. Hobi stated the obvious, that for three years Jungkook had had to act like they weren’t together. In fact, Jungkook had to deny their relationship altogether and it made sense for him to feel overwhelmed now. Tae needed to keep doing what he was doing… proving to Jungkook that being a secret was a thing of the past and it wasn’t something that would ever happen again.Tae relived their conversation from the evening and had to take solace in the reason Jungkook wanted to leave as being that one thing would’ve led to another had he sat back down. He felt that too. In his head, Jungkook’s hand travelled upwards and started caressing his hardening member and he’d seen Jungkook naked in his mind many times. Sex was something else that he knew would be different between them because Tae knew what he liked and what he wanted now. He’d tried most things and experimented a lot, mainly to make up for the shortfall of feelings with whoever it was he was sleeping with. He loved the guys he’d been with and sex was good but that special connection was missing. The intuition that came from a
depth of emotion that went beyond the surface. He’d considered that was something that only existed because of the circumstances with Jungkook. It was his first relationship, his first sexual experience… his first everything. He was a blank canvas, led entirely by the situation and by the gentle nature of the boy whose patience was unlike anyone else's. Yet now, now he knows that it wasn’t the situation or the circumstances… it was Jungkook.When they’d walked to the bridge, it felt like ghosts walking through a time that was very different to the present day. Tae wanted to kiss Jungkook goodbye because that was something he’d never done outside and even though there wasn’t anyone around and it was dark, it hadn’t felt like the right thing to do after what happened at the house.
The lesson to be learnt right now would be the one where he should know better than to be staring at his phone while walking but he had google maps up to direct him from the bus stop to the gym. He wasn’t very good with directions and even though Hobi had texted him how to find it and even with the map on his screen, he was still struggling. He’d seen photos of the building before as he remembered when his friend took it on but that didn’t help until he was actually close by.COFFEE QUEEN - I think I’m lost.BOXING BUNNY - In life or something else?COFFEE QUEEN - Kookie, this is not the time for joking.
BOXING BUNNY - Where are you? What can you see?COFFEE QUEEN - Lots of people in orange!BOXING BUNNY - Stay there. I’ll come and get you.COFFEE QUEEN - Okay.Tae had questions but thought he should wait to ask them in person. He felt like an idiot looking around him, not having a clue where he was or from which direction Jungkook would be coming. He looked at his phone to try and make sense of the map but it wasn’t helpful and he was sure he’d walked around in circles.“Hey.”A familiar voice made him look up and turn around and then his stomach felt as if he’d been on several rollercoasters one after the other. Jungkook walking towards him in loose fitting shorts was a sight to behold and Tae had already decided that he was a fan of a man bun now.“Hey. Sorry. I tried.” Tae says, holding up his phone.“You didn’t try street view?”“No, I didn’t need to view the street, I can see the street.”Jungkook giggles, “Look, if you look at the street view you can follow it while looking around you to make sure you’re in the right place.”Embarrassment bleeds into his cheeks, “Oh.”“Come on. I’ll try and take you the easiest way.”“How did you know where I was?”“You said there were lots of people in orange. It’s usually quiet here but there’s a band playing at a venue nearby and the fans wear orange. We had notification from the venue because access to the roads around the gym might be blocked.”“Isn’t that annoying?”“The music or the disruption?” Jungkook smiles.“Both?”“We’ll close before the gig starts and we warn our clients in advance. We are used to it now. It’s not too disruptive. The industrial estate that the building is on, isn’t affected as much as the places closer to the venue.”Tae doubts that he’ll remember the way because he’s too busy looking at Jungkook instead of their surroundings.
The building is recognisable from Hobi’s pictures but they enter via a side of the building he hadn’t seen before. ‘BAM!’ written in bright red and orange letters against an electric blue boxing glove. It was an effective logo and Tae liked the use of onomatopoeia.“We don’t have many classes today as we are running a reduced timetable so it’s quieter than usual. Hobi is in if you want to go up and see him?”“I’m seeing him tomorrow, I’m sure he doesn’t want to see me too many times this week.”“We’ll go straight to my office then.”Tae follows Jungkook through the main area with its boxing ring in the middle. The area is huge and airy, thanks to the aircon. The lights are bright as there aren’t any windows with the whole thing being below street level but it’s certainly not obvious that this was once an underground car park. The area had been sectioned off to create ‘rooms’ and this was where individual classes were held. There was a small changing room and showers but customers had free reign of the facilities of Hobi’s gym upstairs. There were water coolers dotted around and lots of hooks on the walls for towels and coats. There was seating along the walls and Tae thought as far as gyms went, this one looked nice but his knowledge of gyms was limited so he put the thought down to the fact that he was with Jungkook.Tae walked through a door behind Jungkook. The sign ‘staff only’ gave it away as they entered the office. The room was a decent size with one large table running the length of a wall and two chairs in front of computers. There was a printer and scanner, a filing cabinet and another water cooler. On the other side of the room there was a desk with another computer and a chair that looked more comfortable. The coffee machine that was closer to that desk made Tae think that was where Jungkook sat most of the time and this was confirmed when Jungkook headed that way.“You can use either of those computers or you’re welcome to use my laptop which is here.” He says, taking a laptop from the drawer of the desk and placing it on top.“Do the computers have the logos and stuff?”“They do. Would you like a drink?”“Erm… could I use your laptop? You’ll have access to whatever I do that way. I’ll have whatever drink you’re having, thanks.”“One double espresso coming up then.” Jungkook says with a cheeky grin.“Funny!” Tae says as he takes a seat in the comfy chair and opens up the laptop.Jungkook smiles to himself. They’d always had banter and the ability to joke around with each other. He could say things to Tae that he wouldn’t say to anyone else and vice versa. In his relationships since Tae, he’d hoped to find someone he could bounce off of but even when he found someone with banter, the relationship lacked something else.
“Here you go…” Siwan says as he opens the office door with his back and walks in carrying a bag and drinks, “... sorry, probably should’ve knocked… you never know what you could get up to in here.” He grins.“Knocking without hands is difficult. Thanks.” Jungkook goes over to his friend and takes the drinks from him.
“You must be Tae… heard lots about you. Can’t stop though so I’ll see you at the Bubble event, huh?”
“I’d have introduced you if you’d given me the chance.” Jungkook states.“Snooze you lose… I’m Siwan by the way… the best looking guy around here but I’m straight so you’re out of luck.” He winks.“Oh erm… hi. Yeah, I’m Tae.”“Ignore him.” Jungkook says.“Your 4 ‘o’ clock said they’d be late.” Siwan informs Jungkook as he’s halfway out of the door.“Thanks and thanks for the drinks.”“See you later… bye, Tae.”
Tae just stares at the door and says ‘bye’ as the man disappears and the door closes.
“Strawberry milk?” Jungkook says, placing a plastic bottle beside the laptop.“Thanks, that’s perfect.” Tae nearly responds with ‘you remembered?’ but decided that was a stupid thing to say so melts internally instead because it’s something that is special to them. As much as there are times when he has to remind himself that he doesn’t really know Jungkook now, there are tiny little reminders that there are things they do know about each other.“Can I do anything to help with the design?” Jungkook says, sitting in one of the other chairs and wheeling himself close to Tae so he can sit beside him.“You always say you’re no good at creative stuff.”“I’m not any good, therefore I don’t expect you to take me up on my offer.”Tae rolls his eyes and smiles, “You were never that bad. Your ideas were good.”“If you say so but if you remember properly, it was mainly you and your ideas. I just enjoyed watching you work.”“After a while, we didn’t do too much working.” Tae smiles, remembering their first kiss and how Jungkook would use Tae’s hands being occupied as an excuse to kiss his neck. It made assignments a lot more enjoyable… but that was never verbalised, like many things because saying it out loud made it true.“Yeah, well, I wasn’t much help otherwise.” Jungkook says quickly before twisting the lid of his Pepsi Max. “Do you think the cup sleeves will be ready for Saturday?”Tae turns his chair to face Jungkook, unsure of where to put his hands, wanting to touch. “I used to invent assignments so you would help me.”Jungkook’s head jerks back slightly as he frowns and smiles, “What? You did what?”“Invented assignments because I knew that you would sit behind me on that stool in my room and kiss me.”“You did? You only had to ask.”“But if I said it, it meant I was gay. Giving you consent when you wanted to kiss me or when you were showing me how to be intimate was about all I could manage…” he swallows before he continues, “... so I invented things. It was my way of putting myself in situations that hopefully would lead to more.”“What else did you invent?”“My back wasn’t injured… or my wrist… or my knee.”“Neck?”“Oh that was true! Jin-Gi really did wrestle me to the ground and hurt my neck.” Tae explains.“All those massages were unnecessary, eh?”“It depends what you mean by unnecessary.”“I wish you could’ve told me.”“I know. My head was such a mess. I was saying all these things in my head. I asked you to kiss me a million times and when you were kissing me or holding me or other things… I was telling you how good it felt in my head.”“I could tell you liked what we were doing. It makes me feel so sad that you couldn’t tell me at all, Tae.”“I can tell you now… don’t be sad, Kookie…I don't want to make you sad again...” Tae reaches up with his right hand and lightly brushes the apple of his cheek with his index finger, “... you have a loose eyelash.”“Are you sure?” Jungkook asks as he moves forwards into the touch.Tae licks his lips subconsciously, using his finger to brush a loose strand of hair from Jungkook’s face and tuck it neatly behind his ear. “A loose strand of hair too.”“What next? Do I have something here as well?” Jungkook asks, pointing to his lips.“Let me see…” Tae says quietly, leaning forwards, eyes darting from Jungkook’s lips to his eyes and back again, pausing an inch away.Jungkook swallows, he moves his hands to Tae’s thighs, “Well?”“I think there is something…” Tae says quietly, “... I could sort that for you?”“You should.” Jungkook whispers.
Tae places his hands over the top of the hands on his legs and closes the gap between their faces. The connection is soft, like peaks of whipped egg white before the sugar is added to make meringue. The tip of his tongue seeks out the underside of Jungkook’s top lip and he exhales as Jungkook’s lips part to allow access.
Sparks fly again, just as they did a few nights ago. Their surroundings become insignificant as each of them makes the other the focus.Jungkook’s mind clouds and he turns his hands over so their palms press together and their fingers grip the other’s wrist as best they can. The earlier revelations from Tae echo in his mind and he understands that they might not be able to amend the past but honesty and admissions now will lead to a better future.

----- CHAPTER BREAK -----

“I don’t think you should get in that ring, Tae.” Hobi says.“I’m going to do it, Hobes. I’ve hated every minute that I’ve spent with you in the last couple of weeks and I haven’t put myself through that for nothing.”“I’m sure that there’s a compliment in there somewhere.”“There isn’t. It’s been every bit as hellish as I expected.”“Hang on…” Tae says to Hobi, before answering his phone.“Hello, this is your coffee queen.” Tae giggles while Hobi rolls his eyes and shakes his head.Jungkook’s voice drifts through the phone, laced with a laugh, “Only I can have a coffee queen who doesn’t drink coffee.”“That makes me unique.""I'm calling to let you know that the van just arrived and the refreshments stand is being set up. Ho-Lee is here.""Hobi drove me to the printers to collect the cup sleeves so I’ll be there in five minutes.”“Are the cup sleeves what you wanted? I know you were worried they wouldn’t turn out well.”“They are great!”“‘Good. See you soon.”Tae smiles with the dopiest expression as he slips his phone away. The day they met at the gym, they’d done a lot of talking while he finished the cup sleeve design. (They'd also had to stop kissing so that Tae could start what he was there to do). Tae hoped that his admissions regarding where his head was at all those years ago would help Jungkook to understand that none of it was his fault. It wouldn't have made any difference who it was because Tae was the problem. There wasn't anything more that Jungkook could've done. He was the perfect boyfriend even in such a challenging situation.There wasn't anything he could've done differently aside from dishing out the ultimatum a lot earlier which would've saved him some heartache.
The day they broke up was a memory that both revisited individually but decided it wasn't something they needed to go over together. It was the last time that Jungkook expressed his need for openness outside of Tae's bedroom. An invitation to a family wedding tipped the scales and weighed heavily on him when he laid it all on the line and told Tae he wanted them to go together. He'd given Tae until the date of the r.s.v.p, heart heavy because dishing out an ultimatum was far from what he wanted. Tae thought he would understand and that it would be like every other time when he was sure that he tried and that they would then just carry on as they were… but that didn’t happen.The r.s.v.p date arrived and Tae was late to meet Jungkook. It was Jungkook waiting at the bridge and he knew from the look on Tae’s face that this was it and the tears started to fall before any words were exchanged. They’d walked to Tae’s in silence because that’s what they always did, the house was empty and the air was thick and heavy. Jungkook held the r.s.v.p in his hand and he’d looked at Tae with tears rolling down his cheeks.
When Tae said he couldn’t and asked for more time… again, Jungkook broke down and screamed “I can’t do this anymore. How many more times are we going to do this?”“I just… I need more time…” was the response but Jungkook had heard it all before.“I can’t give you more time… I’ve given you three years…”“One more month and I promise…”“NO! No more, Tae…” Jungkook’s face was contorted with pain, “... I can’t take anymore broken promises.”“But… Kookie… I love you…” Tae pleaded even though he knew there was no going back.“Do you? Then show me! FIGHT FOR ME! FOR US!”
“Y-yeah… I do.” Tae could see this was different from the look on Jungkook’s face and the endless stream of tears.
What usually would’ve happened by now was that Tae would ramble and go back on his promise but Jungkook would tell him it was okay and hold him tight… but Tae could see that wasn’t going to happen this time.“YOU ARE GAY! WE’VE BEEN DOING THIS FOR THREE YEARS!” Jungkook stepped back when Tae reached out, “TELL ME I CAN ACCEPT THIS INVITATION! TELL ME!”And that’s when everything fell apart because Tae couldn’t tell him. He’d shaken his head and whispered “I can’t” for the final time. He’d chased Jungkook out of the house because he genuinely didn’t believe this was it and that Jungkook would really leave.
There was a glimmer of hope when Jungkook turned around and pleaded with him, “Please, Tae... come with me...”And that’s when Tae walked away, back into his house, leaving Jungkook and the r.s.v.p card that fluttered to the floor.It took years for Tae to understand that it wasn’t about Jungkook that day. It was his own fear that shaped everything. It was because of the person Jungkook was that he was able to explore his sexuality and confirm it, even if he hadn’t accepted that at the time. His relationship with Jungkook laid the foundation for everything and it wouldn’t have made any difference who Jungkook was as to the outcome of that fateful day because it was Tae himself who couldn’t be honest.“Getting in the ring is a stupid idea, you know?” Hobi repeated as they got into his car.“Yeah, well I’m the master of stupid ideas.”“This isn’t the same as changing jobs and moving towns again.”“I know that. I want Kookie to see that I’m making an effort and what better way to do that than to take part in his world and do something that is important to him?”“You are already taking him on a date to a theme park that you hate. Isn’t that enough?”“Yeah but he doesn’t know that.”“I thought you said he knew about Everland?”“He does… he just doesn’t know that I’m not so good on rides.”“You’d better choose pictures where you don’t look green for that scrapbook then.” Hobi laughs.“Does Jimin actually think you’re funny?”“He thinks I’m amazing.”“You know he invited us to your place, right? He saw Kookie yesterday when the balloons were being delivered.”“I know, he told me. He said Jungkook looked surprised and he felt he’d said the wrong thing but it’s probably going to take time.”“Maybe it depends on how tonight goes?” Tae suggests.“What’s happening tonight?”“Kookie invited me to his place after the event had finished. I suggested going to get food afterwards and he invited me to his place so he can cook for me.”“I don’t get it? Are you saying that his cooking might be shit and then you won’t accept our invitation to come for dinner?”“No! I know his cooking is great, he always used to make us food. I mean that I feel like we are at the stage where being alone will lead to one thing and maybe that’s when we realise we are no longer compatible.”“You’ve got to be kidding, right?”“Hobes, it’s been twelve years! We’ve both had experiences with other people and that’s shaped us. I know that I’m not that shy boy who waits for someone else to make all the moves for a start.”“But you’ve had the chat about your preferences? Gays always have the top bottom chat.”“No, we’ve not talked about it. We’ve flirted and had suggestive conversations but haven’t had that chat.”“He’s probably worried about the same thing then. I was so relieved when my Jimin told me he was a bottom. I think I’d have considered being versatile for him but didn’t need to.”“I can’t see us avoiding the conversation tonight so we’ll see.”“That’s if you’re not in hospital with your boxing injuries.” Hobi laughs.Tae whips his head round to look at his friend, “What? I could get injured?”Hobi’s laugh bellows through the car as he pulls up at the gym, “No, Tae. It’s three minutes in the ring with someone else who has no clue about boxing. I’ve taught you as much as I can within the timeframe.”“You scared me!”“It’s a fun charity boxing match. If I thought there was a chance you could get hurt I wouldn’t have agreed to train you. I still think you’re stupid though.”“Thanks.”The men get out of the car and Hobi waves Tae off so he can walk around to the entrance that he uses for his part of the building. He’d renovated the old warehouse and designed the two floors himself, keeping everything modern and up to date.
Tae walks through the rainbow balloon arch into ‘BAM’ where his eyes open wide at how busy it is. There were people sparring in the ring and a few stalls set up with a raffle, lucky dip and information about Rainbow Bubble. On one of the tables there were leaflets and information about BAM and Hobi’s gym, class schedules and details about what they offer. There were leaflets and freebies from the companies who sponsored the event too.
It didn’t matter how many people were around, Tae could spot Jungkook anywhere and his heart skipped a beat when they made eye contact across the room. He headed for the refreshments stand armed with the box of cup sleeves and smiled when Jungkook waved. Tae doubted that they’d have much of an opportunity to spend time together until later and the wave would be enough for now.“TaeTae! Everything is ready! Just need that box opened.” Ho-Lee grins.“Thanks for covering.”“It’s no hardship. The urns are on and everything is good. The hot plates are on for the egg roll. We had a donation of cookies so I laid those out over there and it all has prices.”“I’ll put some cup sleeves here so we can grab them when we start running out.” Tae says, opening up the cardboard sleeves and putting a cup through the middle. “They fit! Phew!”“Never in doubt. My Aunt was impressed, you know? She didn’t know you were so creative. Why are you working in a coffee shop and not doing something like design or arty stuff?”“I used to do a lot… take photos and stuff but I gave it all up when I left.”“Why’d you give it up?”“I don’t know. I had a bit of a self-destructive phase and sold everything. When my life started coming together I didn’t have the same enthusiasm for art anymore. I tried an art cafe once but two hours sitting with a paintbrush and a blank piece of paper and I left.”“Is that what you did at uni?”“Yeah. I was going to be a graphic designer at one point and then a photographer but thought I could work at a magazine and combine it all. But nevermind, life doesn’t always work out the way you expect.”“You obviously still have a flair for it… maybe your enthusiasm is returning? No coincidence there.”Tae’s brow creases as he frowns, “What is a coincidence?”“A certain boxing guy? Things starting to fall into place and your arty feelings come back? How can you not see that? Granted, I don’t know you that well but I kind of think it’s obvious.”“My art was never connected to Kookie. I loved art long before we met.”“That doesn’t mean that it didn’t become about him or perhaps your feelings are the connection? You find your creativity when you are happy… maybe when you thought you were happy, you weren’t? Like I said, I don’t know you well so ignore me.”Tae thinks about what Ho-Lee said and it’s definitely food for thought, providing him with a point of view he’d not ever considered previously. He was into art from a very young age, it was his outlet, his form of expression where he could be himself. Depending on what he was feeling, he would change the medium because sometimes being seated at a pottery wheel provided the calm and distraction he needed. He went through a stage of sketching birds in cages and he didn’t truly understand the significance until he started therapy many years later. Colour entered his world in the form of watercolour as his feelings changed but he’d not once made the connection with Jungkook. It’s been so easy to slip back into creativity now. His idea for the scrapbook was his way to show Jungkook something physical and he naturally gravitated to a medium he felt comfortable with.
Could the return of his creative mind really be linked to Jungkook?

----- CHAPTER BREAK -----

Tae wiped his brow for the hundredth time. The event was much busier than he thought and he was sure he smelt of eggs now. He had to stop looking outwards into the main area because he was too easily distracted by a certain boxing trainer who looked unworldly in simple black shorts and a matching loose tee. Jungkook oozed confidence in this setting and it was a bigger turn on than Tae could ever have imagined, which also didn’t help when he was serving members of the public.“As I live and breathe! Is it really you?”
Ho-Lee looked at Tae as the man at the front of the queue spoke.“Hak-Kun?” Tae asks.“In the flesh. I didn’t expect to see you here.”“Are you boxing?”“God no! My brother is signing up for a class. I didn’t know this was happening. Hardly my scene all this gay stuff.”“It’s a good cause.” Tae says.“Didn’t ever take you as a friend to gays.”“It’s called being an ally.”“Whatever. It’s all too much for me. I remember us drooling over the cheerleaders at school. I married one of them and she’s still fit. What happened to you after university? I heard you ran off with that girl you were dating online.”“I didn’t run off with anyone… I moved... here.” Tae says, putting a coffee and a bottle of water on the table acting as a serving counter.“Cheers. See you around.” Hak-kun says as he walks away.
Tae pulls a face at Ho-Lee, an expression of boredom at the exchange with his old school friend and prepares to serve the next customer. Before he turns around to greet the next person in line he sees Jungkook staring at him from the back and the expression on Jungkook’s face makes his stomach sink.“What is it?” Tae asks as he steps closer, leaving Ho-Lee to serve.“I actually believed you’d changed.” The boxing trainer says with tears in his eyes. He thought he would avoid the queue and try his chances by sneaking around the back. The queue wasn’t long but he was hoping to snatch a few seconds with Tae and find out how it was going and that’s when he heard the conversation.
“I have changed.”“Have you? Because what I heard was someone who didn’t correct an old friend and his heteronormative view. It sounded like someone who was still hiding, Tae.”“I’m not hiding!”“They’re just words, Tae. I need to go.”The sadness swept through him like a hurricane and Tae felt like he’d failed at the first hurdle. He hadn’t expected to see anyone he knew which was stupid but something that didn’t enter his mind. He just wanted to get rid of Hak-Kun and get on with serving the customers so they could take a break and he could prepare for the moment he would step into the ring.
“Hey, you okay?” Ho-Lee says quietly.“I’ve fucked up. This wasn’t the time or place to come out to an old friend that doesn’t matter anymore.”“You need to pull yourself together… they are going to have the spectator matches after this next one.”“Is there any point now?”Ho-Lee grabs Tae’s arm and pulls him to the back, just behind the urns and speaks quietly but forcefully, “Do I have to slap you to knock this out of you? You have been through years of shit to uproot your life, come back and live how you want to live. What message does it send to Jungkook if you give up now?”“I don’t know if he will ever believe me.”“So go out there and fight for your man! Go and show him that you want to be a part of his world!”Tae thanks Ho-Lee and musters the fight within him because he hadn’t come this far to give up now. He didn’t agree with Jungkook that his conversation with Hak-Kun showed he was hiding because that wasn’t what it was but he couldn’t give that headspace right now. He was all in and he still intended on proving himself to his ex.Tae felt very small as he stood amongst the crowd close to the ring. He could see Hobi standing on the other side, leaning against a pillar and he thought it was nice of his friend to appear to watch him make a fool of himself. The guys in the ring looked professional in their head gear and shiny shorts but Tae was watching them with inexperienced eyes so he didn’t have a clue.He recognised Siwan who climbed into the ring when the bell rang and the fight stopped. He couldn’t see Jungkook but he wasn’t looking for him either because he couldn’t see that look in his eyes. He was here to prove himself and he was so far out of his comfort zone he may as well be in another galaxy.“Before we continue with the registered matches, it’s the chance for those of you who want to give this a go… don’t be shy! Come forward… would anyone like to get in the ring and try it out?” Siwan says through the microphone in his hand.Tae glances at Hobi who is watching him intently. The sessions in the park had been hell and he’d hated it. He was happy to watch others exercise but it wasn’t for him, that much he knew. But this wasn’t about exercise or fitness and it wasn’t about him at all. That’s why he raised his hand and shouted “Me!”Siwan smiles and walks over to where Tae pushes through to the ropes around the ring, “This is a surprise. Come on in, Tae.”Tae takes a deep breath and steps between the ropes and onto the flexible floor. He suddenly feels unsteady on his feet and wills the time to pass so this is over.“Anyone else?” Siwan asks the audience turns 360 degrees to look around him.A man raises his hand and is shown into the ring but had obviously done it before as he looked a whole lot more sure of himself. Tae and the other contender were handed helmets and gloves and shown into opposite corners where there were staff there to help them.Tae thought he was going to vomit, maybe sparring in the park with a friend was where it should’ve stayed?Hobi gets closer for moral support. He still thought this was a stupid idea but he admired Tae’s bloody-mindedness and determination. This was as far from anything that Tae usually did so for that he should be commended.
“In the red rainbow corner we have Woo-Chan aka The Wolf! Give him a cheer!” Siwan shouts through the microphone as Woo-Chan raises his hands and waves at the crowd.“And in the blue rainbow corner we have Taehyung aka Coffee Queen! Give him a big cheer!” Tae didn’t expect to have to give himself a name and when put on the spot couldn’t think of anything. His opponent apparently came prepared with a name and had dabbled with boxing before so Tae really felt out of his depth.“You have three minutes. That’s two rounds of ninety seconds. You are both winners already for putting yourself in the ring. Bump gloves.” Siwan informs the two guys.Hobi is startled by Jungkook who storms over from behind him, “What the fuck is he doing? Why are you just standing here and not stopping him?”“Don’t take this out on me, I’ve been training him since he got the stupid idea in his head.”The bell sounds and the timer starts counting down. Hobi doesn’t have time to deal with Jungkook and he wasn't going to get drawn into an argument about something that was Tae's decision.“Tae isn’t a boxer! Why didn’t you tell me?”“Jungkook, he is doing this for you! He’s been in the park with me to prove himself to you! What are you so angry about?”“I heard him earlier… he didn’t defend himself, just went along with it when someone asked if he ran away with a girl.”“Maybe he has his reasons? What do you want him to do, walk around with a sign that reads ‘I am gay’? Whatever he said earlier, he is now in that boxing ring for you!”The bell sounds to end the first round and Tae puffs hard, breathless from bouncing about but so far so good as in ninety seconds he hadn’t been hit. Just ninety more seconds to go…Jungkook didn’t know if Tae could see him as he stood beside Hobi. When he heard Tae earlier it put doubts in his head, doubts born from fear and emotion. He’d gone outside for some fresh air and to clear his mind. He was self-aware enough to know that he needed to talk to Tae but his fear reared its head and he’d judged Tae on a five second conversation.
“Final round!” Siwan announces as the bell sounds again.The boxing trainer leaves Hobi’s side and gets closer to the ring and that’s when he sees Tae get hit. It all happened in slow motion as Tae dodged the glove in the wrong direction and the side of his face made direct contact. Jungkook pushes and pulls people out of the way as he watches Tae fall and now a different kind of fear injects adrenaline through his veins and propels him forwards. He grabs hold of the ropes and catapults himself into the ring, rushing over to where Siwan is checking on Tae who is laying on the floor.“What the fuck are you doing? Tae?” Jungkook pushes everyone out of the way to kneel beside Tae who looks dazed but okay.“I wanted to show you.” Tae says. He sees the concern in Jungkook’s face as he scrambles to sit up. He’d lost his footing more than anything as his face doesn’t hurt.“Show me what? I don’t need you to box for me, Tae.” Jungkook says, holding out his hands and pulling Tae to his feet.Siwan takes the microphone, “Is there anyone else that would like to give this a try? If there aren’t two of you… is there someone who would like to take on the Wolf?”Tae stops Jungkook from leaving the ring while Siwan does his thing looking out into the crowd. “Show you this…” He says with too much saliva thanks to the gum shield, heart well and truly in his mouth and taking the biggest leap of faith in his life but he honestly couldn't think of another way to make himself clear.
Tae hadn’t factored in the padded helmet when he decided to kiss Jungkook and it was as far from a smooth move as you could get but it was a statement and he knew that they had an audience… including Hak-Kun who was standing with his brother not far from where Hobi was standing.“Well, it looks like our Coffee Queen claimed his prize!” Siwan announces which earns some cheers and applause.Jungkook is stunned. None of it feels real and he doesn’t know how to respond to the man standing in front of him, face squashed by the padded head protection, hands encased by two oversized blue gloves. The man who he knows hates exercise but had been doing all of this for him. The man who just kissed him with a literal audience in public… the man who couldn’t make his case any clearer.“Let’s get you out of here.” The boxing trainer says as two more guys are prepped for the next bout.Jungkook takes Tae over to the side and it doesn’t take long for Hobi to join them.“You’ve won the title ‘biggest idiot’. Tell me you’re okay?” Hobi says to his friend.“The guy tricked me.” Tae said in his defence, spitting through the gum shield.“I’m proud of you anyway. I’ll leave you to it.” Hobi says as he leaves.Jungkook unfastens the helmet and lifts it from Tae’s head, “open your mouth.” He instructs Tae so he can remove the protection from his teeth.Tae stands quietly while Jungkook starts to remove one of his gloves. It’s an awkward silence because he fears the response but focuses on the fact that Jungkook was here.
“Are you hurt?” Jungkook asks, removing the second glove.“No… I’m sorry.”“Sorry for not being hurt?”“Sorry for kissing you in front of everyone. I should’ve thought about you and I shouldn’t have done that.”Jungkook reaches up and strokes Tae’s cheek, “Are you sure you aren’t injured?”“I’m sure. I need to explain about what you heard… Hak-Kun isn’t a friend and he’s not important. I don’t need to justify myself to people like that.”“I thought you were hiding and concealing yourself and it brought back memories. We can talk properly later but I’m sorry. I had three years of you being a certain way and now I’m trying to catch up and learn about this new you. I’m going to make mistakes.”“I might hide who I am to some people but that’s because they don’t have the right to know that but I won’t ever hide us… you will never be my secret again, Kookie.”“Yeah, I believe that now… since you just kissed me in front of a whole crowd.”“Before you go… can I kiss you again, minus the gum shield and helmet?”“I’m trying to work out if this is smooth or lame.”“Hobi says it’s stupid.”“I don’t care what Hobi thinks.”
“So… can I kiss you?”“Yeah.”Tae smiles and leans in to slot their lips together. He wants to make a point and feels that’s what he’s done but he doesn’t have the time to kiss Jungkook as he’d like to right now so it’s brief. There’s only a couple of hours left of the day before the doors close and they can clear up so they both need to get on with the day.“Holy shit! I have so much to say!” Ho-Lee exclaims when Tae returns.“Sorry, I was longer than I thought. Has it been okay here?”“Oh we are not talking shop when you just got floored and your superhero man came to your aid and you kissed him in front of everyone! I had to check that I wasn’t at the cinema watching some Marvel movie! You need to give me some tips because that was smooth AF!”“I don’t even know how to respond to that.”“You fought, lost and claimed your guy! Go you!”“Your enthusiasm for my love life is appreciated.”“He didn’t dump you after what he heard earlier then?”“Can you dump someone if you aren’t officially together?”“Probably not. Are you still going to his place after this?”“Yeah. I asked him if we were still on for this evening.”“It was worth it then? Making yourself look stupid?”“Have you been talking to Hobi?”“No?”“And yes, it was worth it but I won’t be boxing ever again.”Ho-Lee laughs loudly and moves across to the table where a small queue is forming, leaving Tae to whisk up some eggs for the hot plate.

----- CHAPTER BREAK -----

Watching Jungkook drive was a whole new item to add to the list of things that Tae found sexy about the boxing trainer. They’d cleared up with the help of many volunteers, loaded the van which arrived from O’Clock, loaded the car and locked up. Jungkook carried the donations box into his place and left everything else in the car because he was starving and decided it could wait until tomorrow.Tae wasn’t surprised when they’d pulled up at one of the new apartment complexes in town. It wasn’t really new as it was being built before he left town but it was ‘new’ to him. The elevator ride was smooth and the apartment was simply decorated. Jungkook pointed out the lounge which worked as the dining area too, the kitchen, bathroom and bedroom. It was large and spacious with a balcony and lots of windows.
“I’ve prepared most of the dinner already, I just have to cook the noodles. Are you hungry?”“Starving. What are we having?”“Makguksu… the non-spicy version.” Jungkook smiles.“You didn’t need to do that.”“You cooked me spicy food so it’s only right that I cook you non-spicy food.”“Thanks.”“Did you want to shower while I finish dinner?”“No, it’s okay. I didn’t bring a change of clothes or anything. I’ll shower when I get home.”“I have clothes, Tae.”Tae jumps at the chance because there was a time when he would go to sleep wearing one of Jungkook’s t-shirts and it was a reminder that what he had with Jungkook was real. The days that they weren’t together when their relationship was conducted over text, he feared that what he felt wasn’t real. That was one of many downsides to having a secret relationship, it was only when they were together that it felt real because on a day to day basis, it could easily feel as if it didn’t exist.“If you don’t mind? Boxing is sweaty work.” He grins.“Do you like boxing?”
“No, I hated it.” Tae grimaced.
Jungkook giggles, “At least you’re honest. If you hated it, why would you do it?”“I thought it would show you that I’m trying.”“I don’t need you to do something you hate to prove a point.”“Okay.”
Jungkook disappears into his bedroom and reappears with some sweatpants and a t-shirt. “That doesn’t mean I don’t see what you did, Tae. The effort hasn’t been for nothing. Please don’t lose who you are trying to impress me though.”“I won’t be exercising again, you don’t have to worry about that.”“And there I was about to invite you to a sparring session…” Jungkook grins playfully, “... there are towels in the bathroom. If you need any help, give me a shout.”“Help? With?”“Turning on the shower or finding the shower gel.”“Oh, okay… I’ll shout if I have any trouble.”Jungkook smirks as he goes into the kitchen, his mind presenting him with images of a naked Tae in his shower. As the noodles simmer, his phone rings and he sees his Mother’s picture appear.“Hey, Eomma.”“I know you have company but I wanted to check that today went well?”“He’s in the shower so I have a couple of minutes. I think it went well but I’ll know more once I count up all the donations tomorrow.”“Did you have many people sign up?”“The ones who signed up handed in their sponsor forms and they raised a lot. The kids did well, we will definitely be doing that again next year.”“How did Tae get on with the refreshments? Was the stall busy?”“He said it was busy and they didn’t have time to close for a break.”“How was it... having him there? You haven’t been seen in public together, right? I know you weren’t really together but it’s a big deal.”“That’s an understatement. I was an idiot… I overheard him talking to an old school friend and he corrected the guy on the right term for an ally and then when the guy said he’d heard a rumour that Tae ran off with the girl he was dating, Tae didn’t really put him straight. He just said he hadn’t run off with a girl. I took it as avoidance. I was that girl, Eomma… his friends thought he was dating a girl but it was me.”“Tae didn’t respond the way you wanted him to?”“I suppose. I have spoken to him though and I respect his explanation. He didn’t owe it to the guy to give him any more information.”“You just need to rethink your expectations… that will come over time. You are so focused on wanting Tae to prove himself that you need to take a step back. He can prove himself to you without justifying himself all the time.”“I know and I understood that once I thought about it. He volunteered to get in the ring and then he got hit and I panicked that he was hurt…”“Wait… he did what? Tae’s boxes?”“... No he doesn’t box or exercise. He’s been training with Hobi and wanted to make the effort for me.”“Is he okay? You said he was hit?”“He was fine. He… he… umm… kissed me…”“Okay?”“... in the ring.”“In front of everyone?”“Yeah.”“Jesus! I’m actually speechless for you… how are you? Jungkookie, that is huge!”“I know… now when I think about it, it was quite funny because he had the padded headgear on and a gum shield in so it was a bit of a mess. Siwan used the situation as an announcement and told the crowd that Tae had claimed his prize.”“Wow! It’s been a big day for you. He’s certainly making an effort, huh? I’ve only ever wanted you to find happiness with someone who makes you feel special and Tae is surpassing my expectations.”“Yeah, he’s working hard but I don’t want him to do anything that makes him uncomfortable. I told him not to lose who he is in a bid to make me happy because that won’t work. I can’t get to know who he is now if he’s pushing himself to be who he thinks I want him to be.”“That’s very wise. I think he will relax in time. He obviously wants you to know that he’s serious and today certainly achieved that.”“I need to go, Eomma, the noodles are ready.”“Okay. Put ice in the water, they’ll cool quicker and won’t stick.”“Thank you.”“Enjoy your evening.”Jungkook sighs and smiles as the screen goes black. His Mother had wise words as always and the call was exactly what he needed without even knowing it. He puts the finishing touches to the buckwheat noodle dish and is thankful that he’s pre-occupied when Tae appears in the kitchen fresh from the shower. Jungkook used to spend a lot of time picturing their future and what that would look like. They’d discussed an apartment and decor, getting a dog and how Jungkook would always cook them dinner. Their apartment would have sculptures made by Tae and photo collages of all the places they’d been together. They’d discussed getting a small dog who would sleep at the foot of their bed and jump around when they walked him beside the river hand in hand. But they didn’t get close to any of it until now… when he had Tae standing in his kitchen bare footed, hair wet from the shower, wearing his clothes.“Your shower is great. Much better than the one at home.”“It’s the shower head I think. It’s one of those massage ones. Some days the powerful jets of water help aching muscles.”“Yeah, I don’t think we have a need for that.” Tae giggles.“Are you ready to eat?”“I am. Can I help?”“You can take the chopsticks and spoons through. I’ve put water on the table already.”“Was that your Eomma who called? I thought I heard you as I came out of the bathroom.”“Yeah, she called to ask how it went today.”“Is she well?”“She is. She asked how you were.”“Oh, she did? I didn’t think she’d want to know about me after what I did.”“She’s always been very supportive, Tae. I suppose this is my turn to admit something. I told my Eomma about us when we were first together.”“I’m pleased you had that support.”“I’m sorry. I was meant to have kept our secret.”“It was my secret. I can’t hold that against you, Kookie.”“I’d umm… I’d like us to go there for dinner one day… you don’t have to… I mean if…”“I’d really like that.”“Yeah?”“Yeah. How’s your brother?”Jungkook swallows a few times and takes a sip of water before answering. He has to get out of his head but with every question he asks, he’s constantly surprised by the response, needing to pinch himself to make sure it’s real.“He’s good. He’s married now with a daughter. She’s five and they don’t want any more. My parents totally worship her but she’s so cute so it’s okay.”“Do you get to look after her? Could we take her to the park? Does she like animals?”Jungkook can’t help but smile as he looks at the beaming face of the man sitting at the table in front of him. “Yeah, I do have her sometimes. She comes to the gym but is too much of a distraction because Siwan stops what he’s doing and gives her piggyback rides. We could take her out if you like?”Tae can’t dwell on the feelings that are counterproductive to what he wants to feel. It’s difficult to hear about the people that are involved in Jungkook’s life but he wants to ensure that he is one of them. “I’d like that. What’s her name?”“Her name is Hana. They knew she would be an only child so her name means ‘my favourite’.”“I can’t wait to meet her… when you think that’s okay… I can wait.”“We can plan something.”Tae sits back in his seat, full from the noodles. He is pleased they spoke about the situation with Hak-Kun in the car as the air feels much clearer and comfortable.
“The makguksu was really good. I’d like to learn how to make that.”“I could show you another time.”“I’d definitely rather you taught me to cook than to box.”Jungkook laughs as he clears the table, “I have zero plans to teach you how to box.”“Good. I think Hobi is relieved too. He said I was hard work.”“It’s difficult to teach someone who doesn’t enjoy what they’re doing.”“He can relax because I won’t be asking again.”“Did you get pictures for the scrapbook today?”“I did and I kept a cup sleeve.”“Do-Seok took a picture of us which he sent me but I don’t know if you want to use it.”“Do you want me to use it? Can I see?”“Would you like to sit on the sofa and I can show you? My phone is over there.”“Let me help you clear up.”“It’s a couple of bowls. Go and sit down and I’ll join you in a minute. Do you want a drink other than water?”Tae shakes his head and declines as he stands and walks the short distance to the area of the room that has a corner shaped sofa, patterned rug and large tv on a cabinet. He picks up a cushion and hugs it on his lap as he sits near the corner. He doesn’t know where Jungkook usually sits so decides to sit near the corner so that he has either side. He gets a sudden attack of nervousness when Jungkook joins him and sits close with his phone in his hand.“This is what Do-Seok sent me.” Jungkook says, showing Tae the image of the moment they kissed in the ring.“We should definitely include that… I think… do you?”“I’ll send it to you and you can decide.”“Okay. Do you want to change my contact name?”“To what?”“I don’t know? Anti-Coffee Queen?” Tae laughs.“I can change it to whatever you want.”“It’s your phone.”“I’ll think about it.” Jungkook says.There’s a moment of silence with both men looking at Jungkook’s phone screen and Tae decides that he can’t spend another minute not kissing this man. Whilst still looking at the screen he reaches over with his left hand and slides the phone from Jungkook’s grasp. He simultaneously lifts his gaze and moves the phone to the side. When his line of sight reaches Jungkook’s face, Jungkook is already looking at him and his stomach bursts with butterflies. This time he chooses not to ask for a kiss, instead he trusts that Jungkook wants to kiss him too, judging by the moistening of his lips with his tongue. He’s unsure of whether it would be classed as smooth or lame when his left hand gently takes hold of Jungkook’s left hand and he moves in for a kiss.Jungkook gravitates towards Tae and they meet in the middle. The meeting of lips isn’t as cautious as the previous times but full of confidence which is a turn on in itself. Tae taking charge of the situation does things to the boxing trainer and as they both push into the kiss, he allows Tae’s tongue to dominate.Tae continues to move forwards which forces Jungkook backwards against the sofa and that movement in itself causes a moan to leave Jungkook’s mouth. Tae inches closer and it’s him who moans next when Jungkook’s left hand reaches for the back of his head and holds him in place. Tae’s right hand sneaks underneath Jungkook’s t-shirt and his member twitches when the pads of his fingers make contact with beautifully soft skin and firm abs. This is where he needs to rein himself in, not wanting to ruin anything by moving too fast. Even with the slowness of the kiss, he’s already ten paces ahead and has Jungkook naked in his mind.He pulls back, diving back in quickly to peck Jungkook on the lips, quite breathless from lust and arousal. “I know where I want this to go but I don’t want to rush it.”Jungkook twiddles his fingers in the shaggy damp hair at the back of Tae’s head, chest heaving as he too struggles to maintain a sense of control. “I want that too.”“Really?” Tae asks.“Y-yeah. I don’t want to fight it when it feels natural.”“Are you still a top? I mean… I suppose we need to talk about that.”“I’m versatile now… I went the opposite way in the first few years after you left. What about you? You’ve slept with women so does that mean you top?”“I’m verse, too. How about we do what feels right?”“I’m happy with that.”Tae leans in and takes Jungkook’s plump lower lip and sucking on it gently, “I want to learn everything about you… what you like… what turns you on… what makes you moan.”Jungkook’s brain isn’t coping. This confidence oozing from Tae makes his stomach kick and his cock twitch. The Tae that his mind and body once knew no longer exists, that much was obvious and his brain is playing catch-up as he remembers the boy that was so timid and quiet.“Same.” Jungkook moves Tae back and gets to his feet, holding out his hand.Tae takes the outstretched hand and lets Jungkook lead him to his bedroom where he doesn’t pay any attention to the surroundings. In one sense this feels like this is a job interview, under pressure to perform to the best of his ability so Jungkook wants him. He didn’t ever have the opportunity in the past because he was too caught up in his head. He verbalised ‘yes’ to something that required consent but that was the extent of it unless he was being asked if something felt good. His voice and his desires were trapped in the cage of his mind, screaming how good it felt when Jungkook’s lips were on his body and screaming in pleasure when he came. But the screaming remained as a noise in his head and verbalising his wants and desires was something else that took years to work on once he’d accepted his sexuality. When he felt that being gay was wrong, he felt unworthy of receiving such pleasure amidst the thought that verbalising such sexual enjoyment made being gay real.
“Can I undress you?” Tae asks as they stand next to the bed with it’s black and grey checked bedding.“Yeah.” Is the reply.Jungkook lets Tae lead, lifting his arms so he could remove his tee and stepping out of his shorts when they fell to the floor.
“Wow! Your body is… wow.” Tae admits, unsure of where to look first.“Thanks. It’s matured a little bit.”“Matured? Toned up and… fuck, you are so hot.”“My turn.” Jungkook says after stepping out of his underwear. He doesn’t have any body image issues and never has. He recalls a time when he physically had to take hold of Tae’s hands and guide them over his body. He’d loved teaching him but craved the day when he felt it reciprocated.He doesn’t mess around, quickly removing his tee from Tae’s body and smirking when he finds that the sweatpants were the only item of clothing on the lower half.
Tae grabs Jungkook’s waist and pulls their bodies together, “You didn’t give me any underwear.”
“Maybe that was my plan.”Tae’s hands can’t stop roaming as he strokes up and down Jungkook’s back. The definition and athleticism evident in every ridge ignites his desire. He feels the difference compared to his previous sexual encounters, just in the way his member hardens from the mere touches they share. As they caress each other’s body, he feels everything, as they kiss, his taste buds dance. His mind is as aroused as his body and lust feels like the most incredible drug.They move to the bed and Jungkook places a bottle of lube and some condoms on the bedside cabinet within reach for them both. He naturally shifts into position on his back as Tae kisses him and hovers over him. He’s living for it and having Tae seize the initiative is the sexiest thing ever as far as he is concerned. He knows what he wants and if he was honest it was a decision he made while they were kissing on the sofa at Tae’s house when he’d freaked himself out and left early. He takes Tae’s hand and proceeds to place it where he wants it… guiding his fingers to the cleft of his arse. Tae pulls back from the kiss, laying on his side, propped up on his forearm. He searches Jungkook’s eyes for confirmation of what he thinks he’s being told as Jungkook raises his leg.“Sure?” Tae asks.“Yeah.” Jungkook breathes.Tae’s hand makes a grab for the lube and it’s all very surreal as he positions the tip of his finger at Jungkook’s entrance. Flashbacks of being in bed with this man but at a point in time when things were a distinct contrast. He takes Jungkook’s nipple into his mouth and sucks lightly as he pushes his finger in carefully. He pauses immediately and looks up where he’s being watched, “Do you like your nipples being touched?”“Yeah. It feels good.” Jungkook says, deep breathing in a bid to process the feeling of having a finger inside him.Tae returns to giving attention to Jungkook’s nipple that responds to every swipe of his tongue and hardens under the vacuum of his lips. While his mouth works the magic on Jungkook’s pecs, his fingers methodically prepare his entrance. The gasp and nails digging into his back tell Tae that he found Jungkook’s sweet spot and he returns to it again and again.“Tae… kiss me!” Jungkook demands. His body tingles aggressively, his cock so hard that it feels fit to burst and he needs to be kissed.Tae does as Jungkook wants and kisses him hungrily. They feed each other sounds of appreciation and Tae can’t stop himself from telling Jungkook what is on his mind, “You feel amazing on my fingers.”Jungkook doesn’t think he’s going to survive this version of Taehyung and he whimpers in response to the praise. He raises his legs expectantly after Tae sheaths his erection and douses it in lube. It’s almost comical how Jungkook knows that if this was any normal first encounter he’d be up on all fours because he’d always considered missionary to be something on a deeper intimate level. But for this situation, with this man, it felt so right and the most natural position for them. He takes exaggerated breaths, filling his lungs as Tae pushes himself inside, never breaking eye contact even for a second.Tae pulls out slowly and glides back in carefully before finding a rhythm and leaning down to connect their lips in a searing kiss. Jungkook lifts his lower body, hooking his legs up high to grip Tae’s sides. He’s babbling into Tae’s mouth as his prostate is rubbed constantly by the length inside him and his fingers tug on Tae’s scalp.The feeling doesn’t build like it normally does. Tae realises that he’s cumming as the intense heat travels through his body and slams into his testes. Before he can announce it his cock pulses and he’s filling the condom, pure fervour coursing through his system.He grips his shaft and gently pulls out, kissing Jungkook’s body as he heads downwards to take care of Jungkook’s needs. The salty bitterness coats his tongue as he engulfs the head of the boxing trainer's cock into his mouth. He holds his weight on his hands either side of Jungkook and devours his erection until he’s spilling down his throat. Tae swallows and continues to suck lightly until Jungkook starts to soften and then he sits back on his heels and removes the condom from his own softening member.
He stares at the man laying on his back in a daze. Jungkook’s cheeks are flushed and his lips are parted as he pants quietly. “I’ll get us a cloth.” He says as he gets off of the bed and leaves the room.When he returns, Jungkook is sitting up on the edge of the bed and Tae sits beside him, handing him the cloth he found. “Are you okay?”Jungkook nearly laughs, “More than okay. You?”“Same.”Jungkook stands to go to the bathroom so he can put the cloth back and he feels like things won’t ever be the same again. This wasn’t a new relationship but it feels like one in so many ways. He’s got so much to process. Twelve years ago, even in secret he thought he had the perfect boyfriend, someone he wanted to spend the rest of his life with. After twelve years apart, that boy has returned a man who is so different but also the same and is now one hundred percent his perfect man and everything he ever wanted.

----- CHAPTER BREAK -----

COFFEE QUEEN - Good morning.Tae rolled around in his bed, a smile so big he was sure it was visible from space and he hoped that Jungkook felt the same way. He had a shift at O’Clock and he knew he’d be floating around all day. Last night was more than he’d ever imagined. Jungkook insisted on walking him home but they compromised and they parted ways at the bridge. The kiss goodbye was as magical as the evening and Tae felt happiness on a level he hadn’t experienced before. Every time he feels positive there’s that nagging voice that prods at his subconscious ‘if only you’d been brave enough years ago’... but he dismisses it because another voice reminds him that he can’t change that and his current situation is to avoid further regrets.“Good morning, Appa!” He chimes after getting out of bed and ready for work.Mr Kim smiles and eyes his son suspiciously, “Good morning. I’m going to hazard a guess that this cheeriness isn’t because you have decided you love boxing.”Tae laughs, “Definitely not. I won’t be boxing again. I didn’t like being tricked.”“Who tricked you? No one made you get in that ring.”“The Wolf, he tricked me and I got punched.”“Were you hurt? Why didn’t you call me?”“Kookie came to my rescue…” He says dreamily, “...Ho-Lee said it was like a Marvel movie.”“So Jungkook was impressed then?”“Erm… I don’t think he was impressed but he got what I was doing. He was more impressed that I kissed him in the ring.”“Wow! You kissed him in front of everyone?”“I did! It was a bit of a disaster like the whole thing really because I had a stupid gum shield in and my head felt like it was in a vice with that helmet thing on but I did it.”“That was a brave thing to do, Tae. I’m so proud of you for facing up to everything. You haven’t shied away from it and you’ve taken some real risks by trying to win Jungkook back.”“I love him, Appa… I’ve always loved him but I couldn’t give myself to him without learning to love myself first.”“There’s a lot to love.”“Thank you… I learnt from the best.”“I heard you come in last night… I’m presuming your evening went well if this morning is anything to go by.”The blush that seeps into Tae’s face is confirmation of whatever Mr Kim was thinking but Tae smiles wildly once more, “It went better than ‘well’. Nothing I imagined did it justice, Appa… I just hope Kookie feels the same.”“I’m sure he does.”“I haven’t heard from him this morning.”“Taehyung, it is 6am on a Sunday. I doubt you would be out of bed if you didn’t have to work.”“It’s 6.11am… you’re right but…”Mr Kim walks over to where his son is standing by the kettle and places a hand on his shoulder, “But you are worried because you both showed vulnerability last night and you think he might regret it?”“I know he said that he will take time to trust me again but last night… he trusted me, Appa… trusted me with himself and what if this morning he wishes he hadn’t?”“That’s something you have no control over. You have to concentrate on how you feel. I would say that if he trusted you with himself then it wasn’t an impulsive decision, therefore he knew what he was doing. If he regrets it, that’s for him to deal with.”“I don’t want anything to taint it… you know?”“Then don’t taint it. Carry on with your day with that smile on your face.”“I actually feel like I’m in love and I don’t know that I’ve felt like that before.”“And you look like a man who is in love.”“I should go…” Tae throws his arms around his Father, “...thank you, Appa.”Mr Kim hugs his son back, “You’re welcome. I only want you to be happy.”“I am!” Tae says as he pulls away and rushes to collect his jacket and head off to work.***Tae was sitting in the staff room on a chair waiting for his phone to restart again. It was 2pm and he hadn’t heard from Jungkook. He’d checked his phone and restarted it several times. He’d also typed out and deleted a message many times… he wasn’t a stalker.Last night felt so special… maybe it was only special for him or maybe Jungkook was too overwhelmed? Would he do it again even knowing how he felt now? Yes, he would. He couldn’t regret something so beautiful that was as far from being ‘just sex’ as he could get.The problem with it being so special was that he’d hoped to repeat it. The fact that Jungkook was also versatile made the options endless and he was so excited to explore it all together.He’d been surprised when Jungkook told him that he was versatile and he wondered what his sex life had been like after they broke up. He didn’t wonder enough to ask though as avoidance seemed to be the best option with that. That’s one conversation where he doesn’t trust himself not to wallow in self pity and regret because it was obvious that had he stepped up and sorted his life out sooner, Jungkook wouldn’t have been with anyone else.Another restart?This wasn’t the break he had planned and now it was over. It was with a heavy heart that he slipped his phone into his pocket and left the staff room. It was busy today but Tae wasn’t sure whether it was a blessing because nothing seemed to distract him from the sudden change in mood he was experiencing. It was so unexpected he didn’t know how to handle it and it didn’t seem to matter how many times he talked himself into being positive and having ‘no regrets’ and that it was ‘okay’ if it didn't work out, the hard fact was that it did matter and it did hurt.
He wished he’d gone into acting instead of art because it would be easier to mask how he was feeling but the only thing that art could do for him now was painting a mask and hiding behind that perhaps?He knew he was being overdramatic and maybe he shouldn’t have got carried away and been so upbeat this morning because had he not been on such a euphoric high, the slump wouldn’t feel so great.Tae hated clock watching but that’s what he found himself doing and he was annoyed with himself now. He’d made the decision to message Jungkook once his shift was over… a ‘hey how has your day been?’ sort of message. That made him feel better.In true cliched romantic comedy style, Tae was sure he was having an outer body experience when he was walking through the bistro and Jungkook walked in, heading straight for the counter. He even rubbed his eyes because there was a big chance this was a mirage or perhaps it was a dream and he’d fallen asleep in the staff room on his break?The smile Jungkook gave him screamed ‘you are a fucking idiot’ but he didn’t have time to drag himself over the hot coals right now.“Hey, I hope you don’t mind me coming in? I remembered to bring my cup.” The boxing trainer said, holding up his travel cup as proof.“Hey… erm… no… I don’t mind… why would I mind?” Tae says, walking through the entrance to the staff area of the counter and standing on the other side.“Are you okay? If it’s a problem that I’m disturbing your shift, I can go.”“No! No! It’s fine! It’s really good to see you… I thought… it doesn’t matter… what would you like me to fill your cup up with?”“Americano with an extra shot of espresso, please. I slept like the dead but woke with a fuzzy head and I’ve been counting all the donations today and had to stop by Rainbow Bubble. I’m glad I kept my day clear of classes.”Tae feels like an idiot.“Busy, huh? I slept well, too.” He takes the cup and turns around. Did Jungkook sleep well because of the obvious?
Jungkook takes a high stool from one of the nearby breakfast bar type tables and sits at the counter. He was so excited to see Tae and had wanted to get here earlier but it had been one thing after another today and he got here as soon as he could. He’d woken up on cloud fifty, he was sure that nine wasn’t high enough. After walking Tae to the bridge last night he’d showered and climbed into bed and felt like a bit of a sap when he instinctively turned his nose towards the pillow to see if it smelt of Tae. The sex blew his mind and if he was completely honest, he’d very much wanted to ask Tae to stay after they’d laid down and cuddled for a bit. It was one hell of a day and there was an incredible amount to process so with hindsight he’d made the right decision when Tae started to get dressed and made a move to go home.The fuzziness in his head was a sure sign that he’d slept deeply, his mind and body satiated. He’d been in a dreamlike state since opening his eyes, partly astonished by the man in his bed last night. Jungkook was trying his hardest not to compare Tae to previous lovers but more so to the Tae he knew all those years ago. Yet he felt it was an impossible task to prevent the comparisons.
Nineteen year old Tae was beyond shy. He was timid, hesitant and quiet. He lacked confidence in himself because every intimate exchange was acceptance of his sexuality. He was forthcoming but only when asked and shown what to do. Jungkook lived for moments like their first time having sex and the smile on Tae’s face when he gave Jungkook an orgasm for the first time. He looked so proud of himself and Jungkook hoped with encouragement that it would boost his confidence. He might’ve been a reserved lover but the way he looked at Jungkook made Jungkook feel wanted and loved.
Thirty-three year old Tae was beyond his imagination and unrecognisable from the boy he once knew. He was self assured, assertive and knew what he wanted. There wasn't a hint of shyness when he kissed Jungkook or when he asked Jungkook if he liked having his nipples touched. He wasn't hesitant when he coated his digits in lube and fingered Jungkook open. Tae exuded sexual confidence and it was such a sexy quality. It was a quality that Jungkook looked for in a partner because he experienced the complete opposite for three years.
The situations were non-comparable… the two versions of Taehyung were non-comparable but it still blew Jungkook’s mind.He felt the jitters of a new relationship but had the security of love already in place. Slowly he's learning to trust Tae's words and that he means what he says. Jungkook trusts Tae with himself, he has no problem showing his vulnerability because there's an element of familiarity that makes him feel safe if he focuses on the present. Jungkook still fears a broken heart but with the public kiss came the reassurance that history wouldn't repeat itself and the extreme fear of history repeating itself was what was embedded at the start. Being a secret left him with feelings that took years to undo. The relationships after Tae were learning curves. He became obsessive in asking who knew about him in his partner's friendship group and family circle. He was shocked when a partner took him to a restaurant, held his hand in a bar and invited him to meet their parents. For three years his world was so small and clandestine that he'd forgotten what normal was and that took time to undo.
Yet, that public kiss, (albeit a bit of a mess), initiated by Tae, meant that he could no longer hold onto the fear of secrecy. In the past, Tae wouldn't have helped out at the event, he'd have designed the cupsleeves and operated from his bedroom but he wouldn't have attended, let alone what followed. Yesterday proved so much and the sensuality of the evening was the icing on the cake… Jungkook’s head was spinning.
“I wanted to thank your boss for yesterday. The refreshments money was a lot! We are still receiving donations thanks to your genius idea about the QR code on the cupsleeves. I’ve handed everything over to Rainbow Bubble now so that’s me done for another year.”“We are putting the QR code on leaflets to hand out at Pride, too.” Tae says, placing the travel cup on the counter.“You really should be doing something creative, Tae. You are so good at it.”“I gave it all up a long time ago.”“That surprises me. I expected you to be a creative guru for a website or magazine or something. I used to wonder if one day I’d see your name on a billboard for an art show or I even thought you might design your own clothing brand or something.”“You thought about me?”“Yeah… a lot… Tae… are you really okay? You don’t seem right? What time do you finish, I could meet you later?”Tae is about to answer when Ho-Lee interrupts, “Go on… get going. See you tomorrow.”“What? I’ve got another three hours of my shift.”“I know… but you can go. I’m here.” Ho-Lee says walking to the back.Tae follows him, “Have I done something wrong? Your shift has finished, not mine?”Ho-Lee turns around and keeps his voice low, “You’ve been walking around with a miserable face and I’m guessing it’s got something to do with Jungkook so since he’s here, you should go spend some time with him. I spoke to my Aunt and told her I’ll stay on. Go!”“I don’t know what to say… thanks… you’re a good guy, Ho-Lee and wise beyond your years.”“Well it wasn’t rocket science. You bounced in here first thing looking like you’d won the lottery and then it changed and it was like you'd got the numbers wrong on that lottery ticket.”“I think I was being an idiot.”“It was only yesterday you were in a boxing ring so you being an idiot is something I believe… Hyung.”Tae laughs and says “Thanks” again before going to the staff room to grab his jacket.“Have you finished?” Jungkook asks as Tae returns.“I have. Are you busy?”“Not now I’m not. Would you like to go for a walk?”“Yeah.”“Are you going to tell me what’s going on?”“I feel a bit stupid now.”They walk side by side, it’s a pleasant day, quite warm so Tae keeps his jacket folded over his arm. He thinks Jungkook looks effortlessly gorgeous in blue ripped jeans and a white t-shirt, his hair all scraped back into a bun with only a small spattering of loose hair dropping around his face.“More stupid than getting into a boxing ring?”“I’m never going to live that down am I?”“I could’ve mentioned the catfishing.”“I’ll take the boxing.”“So? There was something off when I came in… was it work or… or was it… me?” Jungkook had considered that Tae awoke with regret about last night. It was a dramatic contrast to when they were last intimate so maybe he’d been expecting that same version of Jungkook? Had he been wrong to let Tae take the lead? Was Tae looking for Jungkook as he used to be and was disappointed with the reality that he has changed too? Many things went through his head but he couldn’t shy away from it.“I was so happy when I woke up this morning and… and when you didn’t text me back I thought that you regretted it and I was all up in my head and then you came into O’Clock and… I didn’t know what to think.” Tae shrugs his shoulders.“What message?”“I sent you a ‘good morning’ message this morning. My Appa said it was only 6am and it’s Sunday but then I was at work and you didn’t reply.”“I didn’t get a message, Tae…” Jungkook pulls his phone from his pocket, “... look… I don’t have one.”They stop walking and find a bit of shade under a tree so Tae can see the screen, “Oh. Now I feel even more stupid.”“I’d have replied. I knew you had an early shift and I thought you wouldn’t be checking your phone so I planned to stop by. Sorry, I should’ve messaged you to let you know.”“Look I did send it… oh… oh…” Tae shows Jungkook the message… the message with a small red exclamation mark beside it because it hadn’t been delivered.“It didn’t send?”Tae shakes his head, he could have sworn that the exclamation mark hadn’t been there but maybe all the restarts hadn’t helped?
“Doesn’t look like it.”“At least that’s solved, eh?”“Yeah. I’m sorry.”“You’re sorry for thinking a message had been sent but it hadn’t? Jungkook laughs, “You apologise for the strangest things.”Tae’s cheeks turn a darker shade of pink, “Maybe Hobi is right when he says I’m stupid.”“I doubt Hobi means it like that but if he does then I don’t care what he thinks, you aren’t stupid.”“Thanks.” Tae says as they continue walking along the river. Miles of path laid out before them, trees sporadically placed, plunging them from light to darkness as they walk through the shadows.“I don’t have any regrets about last night.”Tae whips his head to the right, “You don’t?”“Absolutely not. I woke up happy, too.”“You did?”Jungkook giggles at the responses from Tae, “Yeah… why would I regret it? It was me who took you to bed. I knew what I was doing.”“Fair point…” Tae wants to hold Jungkook’s hand as it hangs by his side but it feels like a big deal so second guesses himself, “... does that mean you wouldn’t mind doing it again?”Jungkook’s giggle is a nervous one as his cheeks heat up, “That has to be the lamest way anyone has ever asked me for sex again.”“Thanks.”“If last night was part of your plan to win me back… keep doing it.”Tae’s lips stretch into a wide smile and he reaches for Jungkook’s hand without thinking this time, “I’ll try to be more smooth than lame though.”Jungkook’s breath catches in his throat, lodged so he can’t breathe and the intensity of the emotion in his chest is overwhelming. He looks to the right then at the ground, hoping that the small gathering of tears decides not to fall. One single tear escapes and he hopes it dries quickly but he can’t speak and he is sure the silence will attract Tae’s attention… which it does.“Kookie? Did I… did I say something wrong? Sorry… I should have asked…” He says letting go of Jungkook’s hand. He thought it looked like Jungkook was avoiding looking his way and saw him swallow several times.The boxing trainer knows he has to explain so he swallows again, “I should be apologising for ruining the moment. You didn’t do anything wrong, Tae… please…” He holds out his hand and is pleased when Tae takes it again.“I upset you though, that much is obvious.”“I used to dream about this… walking hand in hand together. I used to see other couples laying or sitting together on the grass, laughing and messing around, stealing a kiss and I so badly wanted that to be us. It was my dream and… you taking my hand just now… you being here with me… everything you are doing and have done… it feels like I’m dreaming and I’m waiting to wake up.”Tae stops walking and guides them to the side so they aren’t in anyone’s way. He understands everything Jungkook has said and if he was honest, he hadn’t realised the gravity of his actions back then. He lived in his head with all of his insecurities and fear, consumed by shame and denial.He threads their fingers together and faces Jungkook, “I’m so sorry that I put you through that. I have so many regrets about the way I treated you but I can’t change it now. I can just try to prove to you that this time things are different and this isn’t a dream.”“Every moment we share is making it reality, Tae. You are doing everything you said you would, backing up your words with actions… please don’t give up on me.”“I will never give up on you… I want this to work...” Tae says, leaning in, he drops a chaste kiss to Jungkook’s cheek, “... I hate seeing you upset.” He whispers.“I want it to work, too. I’m looking forward to spending the day with you at Everland.”“You might be sick of me by the end of the day.” Tae smiles.“Yeah, that’s a possibility so we should make sure it’s a fun day just in case.”“Hey!” Tae says, jostling Jungkook’s hand still clasped with his own.“You said it, not me.”“Will I see you before then?”“I could stop by O’Clock… and… would you like to come for dinner the night before we go?” Jungkook asks.Tae’s whole face lights up, “Are you cooking again?”“If you like?”“Only if it’s not too much work for you after being at the gym all day. We’d better not make it as late as yesterday or we’ll be walking around Everland yawning.”“So… stay…” The words leave his mouth before he gets the chance to talk himself out of it, “... stay the night… we have to leave early to get there so… I just thought…”Tae darts forwards and kisses Jungkook, “I’d love to… now this feels like I’m dreaming.”They smile goofily at each other before continuing their walk. Tae’s stomach doesn’t feel like it belongs to him as it swishes and swoops with pure excitement and nervousness.
“Let’s hope we don’t wake up then.” Jungkook says, readjusting his fingers to ground himself and remind him that he really is holding Tae’s hand walking out in public.

----- CHAPTER BREAK -----

HOBIIf the next 24 hours goes well, do you and Jungkook want to go out for dinner on Friday?TAEI’ll ask him and what do you mean if it goes well?’HOBIExactly what I say, IF. I’m surprised you’re still going, you don’t like heights. It’s a stupid idea!TAEIt was my idea, stupid or not.HOBIThis is just like boxing.
TAEA theme park is nothing like boxing.HOBITae! Jungkook has agreed to go somewhere you don’t like because you’ve not been honest and it is a stupid idea.
HOBIAnd anyway, how does he not know that you are scared of heights? You were together 3 years.TAEHow would he know? We didn’t ever go anywhere.HOBIOkay, okay. You haven’t learned anything from boxing then?TAENo one is going to punch me in a theme park.HOBIFair point but I was talking about the principle. Didn’t Jungkook tell you to be you?TAEI am being me.HOBIAn idiot?TAEI’m happy to put myself out of my comfort zone for the man that I love. How is that a bad thing?HOBIBecause it’s a secret again. You are pretending to like something for him when all he wants is for you to be true to yourself. He doesn’t want you to make yourself unhappy for him. He doesn’t need that.TAEYou sound like you’ve been talking to him.HOBII have.TAEYou aren’t even going to hide it?HOBIWhy would I?
HOBII’m not you.TAEI didn’t think of it like I was hiding something.HOBIYou are. Good things can be bad if you aren’t honest. Jungkook would probably not want to go if he knew, right?TAEBut I want him to go. I want him to have fun. That’s the point. I don’t want him not going because of me.HOBIBut that should be his choice.TAEYou’re right. I’ll tell him tonight or before we go.HOBIIf he knows the truth you can still go but he might choose different rides. It doesn’t have to be all or nothing.TAEStop talking so much sense.HOBIStop making stupid decisions.Tae rolls his eyes, he doesn’t have time to rethink everything now. He could put on a brave face and smile and get through the day and Jungkook need never know. But there was also the possibility that Jungkook would want to go to more theme parks and do more things involving heights and then he would have to know because one thing that Tae isn’t, is a good actor… or an actor of any description.He slung his backpack on his shoulder and decided he would talk to Jungkook later. The one thing he didn’t want to do was ruin the evening or ruin tomorrow because Jungkook was excited about going so it was probably a better idea to tell him on the way home. That way, the day would have been a success and by fessing up he could ensure that future plans were made with the knowledge that Tae didn’t like heights.The hill of a rollercoaster or the swing of a pirate ship were the least of his worries as he got closer to Jungkook’s apartment. Tonight was such a big deal, which he thought he said a lot but it was a big deal. He deduced that everything involving Jungkook was a big deal so he needed to find his calm and sort his head out. The problem was that he was starting to mimic a giddy teenager in the throes of love which annoyed him because he wanted to be a mature man in control. He was not a mature man in control when Jungkook stopped by O’Clock two days ago and joined Tae on his break. He was a giggly mess whose entire mood changed when the boxing trainer arrived… holding his travel cup. Even Tae’s boss was involved in mocking him but he didn’t care, he’d earned it.The sexual attraction was bordering on ridiculous and he’d needed a few minutes to compose himself after the goodbye kiss when returning to work with tented trousers wasn’t acceptable or comfortable. He wasn’t even hungry right now… not for food anyway. He felt like an animal in the peak of breeding season, desperate to sow his wild oats but with the exception of wanting to do so with only one man.
That one man who was dressed in sweatpants and a basketball vest top and Tae felt his soul leave his body before he’d even stepped across the threshold.
“Hi.” He greeted but what he wanted to say was ‘what the fuck are you wearing?’“Hi. You can put your bag in the bedroom if you want.” Jungkook smiles. He’d been drinking water in a bid to cool himself down because every time he thought about Tae staying over, his insides felt like a furnace. It didn’t help his internal situation when he opened the door and saw that Tae was wearing a silk button down shirt and loose fitting trousers. Jungkook really liked Tae’s hair, slightly grown out and shaggy in style. He’s always thought that Tae was beautiful and he wasn’t ever able to match the level of attraction with anyone else, even those he felt a spark with."What side of the bed do you sleep on?"
"The side closest to the window.""I'll take the side closest to the door then." Tae grins."I'll be in the kitchen."Tae goes into the bedroom and looks around this time. It's decorated like every other room. White walls, laminate flooring and beech furniture. The bed is the feature of the room with its black wooden frame and rectangular headboard. There's a bedside cabinet on each side and a different bedding set to the one Tae saw before. He places his backpack near the small cabinet on the side closest to the door, removes his shoes and leaves the room.
"That smells good." He says when he enters the kitchen where Jungkook is tossing a salad."I was pushed for time so it's just a creamy gochujang pasta.""It smells nice.""I put more cream in and bought the mildest gochujang paste so don't worry." Jungkook smiles. He enjoys cooking, he always has and learnt most of his techniques from his Father.
“I trust you.” Tae says.“That’s good.”“Can I get drinks?” Tae doesn’t want to feel like a guest, even if he doesn’t really know what they were.“Sure. There are glasses in the cupboard up there and I’ve got wine or fruit juice or coke in the fridge. I might have some beers, too?”“Coke is great. What are you having?”“I’ll have the same as you.”Tae pours the drinks and takes them through to the table. It feels more tranquil, more relaxed tonight and he can’t avoid the thoughts with the ‘what ifs?’ as he looks out of the window over the city. This is where they should be, together but this apartment should be theirs (one not so high up) and there should be his artwork on the walls and a sculpture of his in the corner near the dining table. By now they should have a little dog yapping at his feet wanting to be petted. He knows he can't change the past but the twelve year delay needn’t have happened and they should be celebrating fifteen years together, not starting from scratch."Do you want to eat on the balcony? It's a really good view." Jungkook asks as he enters the lounge carrying two bowls of pasta.“Oh erm… no thanks. It looks a bit windy.”“It looks windy?” Jungkook giggles.“Yeah. Should I get the salad?”“I can get it, sit down. You are my guest.”Tae really doesn’t want to be a guest because it makes him feel like he could be anyone. All of Jungkook’s friends would be guests. “But I want to get it.”“Okay, I’ll sit then.”Tae feels a bit bratty but is pleased that he can do something so goes to the kitchen and brings the bowl of salad through. The meal looks simple but effective and he knows that if he’d been the one pushed for time he’d have ordered a takeaway meal.“It’s not too spicy is it?” Jungkook asks as Tae eats.“Not at all. It’s so good.”“Do you need to shower before bed or wash or something?”“Are you suggesting that I smell bad?” Tae grins.“No, I’m trying to find out if you have a bedtime routine but I’d rather not sleep next to someone who smells.”“I think my bedtime routine will change and I will shower afterwards.”
Jungkook’s chest pauses its movement as his breath catches at the suggestive comment. He was trying to be normal and natural, keep things to the point but the truth was that he craved intimacy with Tae again and it was a challenge to think about anything else. The kisses they’d shared since the first time they’d had sex after the charity fundraiser had left him wanting more. He’d never had any trouble with being turned on by Tae but this was a whole new level thanks to the equality of the situation.“We
could shower afterwards.” He smirks, finishing his food and drinking the last of the coke in his glass.“Sounds good to me.”Jungkook stacks the bowls and pushes his chair back so he can stand, “I’ll clear this away and then I’ll join you on the sofa. The remote is on the tv cabinet if you want to choose a movie or something.”“Okay.” Tae finishes his drink as Jungkook leaves. He has no intention of watching a movie or focusing on anything aside from the very gorgeous guy in sweatpants, with all his tattoos on display. Excitement bubbles in his core as he has no idea what to expect once they have each other naked, the anticipation and endless possibilities is almost too much to take.Tae allows the thought to run through his mind and acts before he can really give it much time. He picks up the two empty glasses and pads across the lounge and into the kitchen. Jungkook has his back to him, rinsing dishes under the tap and Tae sees it as a prime opportunity for bravery. Before Jungkook can acknowledge Tae’s presence, there is a body against his back and lips on the junction of his shoulder and neck. The vest top allows so much skin to be displayed and Tae’s lips want to taste all of it.
“I brought the glasses to refill them.” Tae says, close to Jungkook’s ear.“Did you choose a movie?”Tae leaves several light kisses on the base of Jungkook’s neck, “I don’t want to watch a movie.”“No?” He says, turning off the tap and angling his head a few degrees.“No. I want you to take me to bed.”“Maybe I want you to take me to bed?”Tae smirks against Jungkook’s skin. He spends a few seconds sucking gently on the soft skin of his neck and trailing his lips upwards towards Jungkook’s ear, “Let’s take each other to bed.”The warm breath on his ear forces his skin to erupt in goosebumps and awakens his flaccid penis. He turns around to face Tae, fingers going straight for the top button of his silky soft shirt, line of sight trained on the man who will always be his ex but could possibly be his boyfriend once again. The two sides of the garment get further apart as each button is undone. The skin underneath is as soft as the shirt, as flawless and luxurious. As the silken fabric flutters to the floor, he moves in for a kiss that is full of intention. His hands shift into position on Tae's buttocks and he squeezes lightly."Is that your choice for tonight?" Tae asks, leaning in to kiss Jungkook again.
Jungkook hadn't really thought about it that deeply, natural instinct prompted the move with his hands. But now that he did think about it, he very much wanted to switch from their first time. It made him nervous because undoubtedly, comparisons would be made but he couldn't help that.
"Only if that's what you want?""Yeah, I want to feel you."“Okay.”Tae pulls back so he can see Jungkook properly, “Only if that’s what you want. Just because we are both versatile doesn’t mean we have to switch every time.”“I am sure, Tae. There’s a lot in my head because of what we used to have and I want to experience everything with you now… you are… so different.”Tae is overcome by shyness, “Is, erm… is that a good thing? Me being different, I mean?”“I’d rather not say yes because that implies that you being who you were was a bad thing.”“Wasn’t it?”“No… I fell in love with you then, so how can I say that who you were was a bad thing?”“I broke your heart.”“And your own.”“Yours was more important. It feels so foreign to me now when I think about how I used to be, even up until the years after I moved away. I don’t recognise who that was.”“Just be who you are now… I only want you to be you and I want to be with you in every way possible.”“I want to be the person who deserves you. The person I used to be didn’t deserve you.”“Kiss me.” Jungkook can’t get into all that now. The discussion about who deserved who because if he could go back in time, he wouldn’t have changed who he was or the amount of effort he put in. Tae did deserve him, he just couldn’t see it and he didn’t think enough of himself to accept the love that they had. Jungkook could quite happily pose the question as to whether he deserved a second chance after being the person responsible for the ultimatum which subsequently ended their relationship. There were many angles to view their situation and he couldn’t see the benefit in making it a topic of discussion.Tae obliged and connected their mouths, lips parting automatically and tongues that found each other without hesitation. He walks backwards in response to Jungkook moving forwards. There’s a momentary panic that he’s going to bump into something but he’s lost in the kiss and trusts that Jungkook will guide him safely to the bedroom.The door to the bedroom is open and their connection is broken for a second as Tae removed the vest from Jungkook’s body. The floor is soon littered with items of clothing as they kiss their way onto the bed. Tae giggles as he pulls Jungkook down on top of him, teeth clashing as they kiss passionately. Jungkook grinds his pelvis down, rubbing their cocks against each other as they become erect, breaths getting heavier as each second passes.Tae bucks his hips upwards as they grind together, lips unmoving as they pant into each other’s mouth. “Fuck! I could cum like this.” He announces honestly.“Not yet you don’t.” Jungkook smirks. He makes a grab for the lube and kisses his way down Tae’s body, nipping at the skin on the way. The sounds coming from Tae are quite literally music to his ears and so the comparison in his head begins… but it’s a short process as everything Tae does is a direct contrast to what he did before. This Tae is the complete antithesis of the boy he used to know, therefore the comparisons have to stop because there’s simply nothing to compare anymore.“Do that again.” Tae demands through fast breaths, feeling teeth and lips on the inside of his thigh.Jungkook repeats the action as his fingers stretch Tae open, adding another finger as the ring of muscle relaxes. He eyes Tae’s leaking member, his own cock pulses as Tae wriggles and arches his back every time Jungkook sucks or nibbles at the flesh of his thigh. In the past they didn’t really get the chance to explore much beyond the realms of regular sexual intercourse and foreplay. It was all quite basic but highly enjoyable and full of love but there was a spark in his stomach that told him that sex now would be far from basic.He pushes his fingers in further and curls them at just the right angle, unprepared for the sound that leaves Tae’s mouth which hits him directly in the balls and shunts him towards his own orgasm. Jungkook does consider that perhaps he is more affected by Tae’s noises because of their past but whatever the reason, he won’t be complaining.After sheathing himself and coating himself in lube, he asks Tae to turn over and get onto his knees. He sits back on his heels and guides Tae backwards onto his lap. Jungkook’s eyes nearly pop from his skull as Tae sinks down effortlessly and in one motion onto his erect penis. “You okay?” He asks as he wraps his arms around the man in his lap, one hand flat on his chest, holding him tightly against him and the other hand gently holds Tae’s cock standing to attention.Tae is so turned on. His whole body engulfed by flames of eroticism, back pressed to Jungkook’s chest, his cock being stroked languidly, warm breath on his ear, Jungkook’s thick length filling him impossibly well. “Y-yeah… you feel amazing.” He reaches up and back with one hand and takes a fistful of Jungkook’s hair as he begins to bounce, lifting up and sitting back down, pulling on the hair in his hands.Jungkook attaches his lips to Tae’s neck and ear while applying firm strokes to the cock in his hand. Tae is a dream to have in his lap and his mind is already getting carried away with thoughts of a future which he pushes away for now, well aware that emotions run high at a time like this. He certainly wasn’t going to be making any life decisions now, as much as he’d love to.“Faster, Kookie.” Tae says, taking hold of Jungkook’s hand and guiding him to the right speed which sends the boxing trainer’s mind into chaos.Jungkook wonders if the list of what makes the perfect lover had been leaked to Tae because he was doing a damn good job of ticking the boxes. He was so used to taking the initiative, not just with Tae in the past but over the past few years once he’d come out of his lazy, submissive phase, he had struggled to meet someone who met his expectations sexually, never truly being satisfied.Until now.“M’ gonna cum.” Jungkook announces in Tae’s ear, barely audible as he pants and moans.“Faster…” Tae says, wanting to find his own release and experience their orgasms together.Loud groans fill the air as they reach their peaks one after the other. Tae slumping backwards and melting into Jungkook who keeps a strong grip on him. He rests his head back onto Jungkook’s shoulder, mouth agape as he battles with the fast breaths and erratic heart rate. He can feel Jungkook’s chest rising and falling and he finally releases the hand in his hair and lets his hands hang down at his sides.
They stay like that, back to chest, Jungkook’s arms wrapped around the man in front of him, until their breathing calms and Jungkook’s softened penis slips free. The boxing trainer turns his head and kisses Tae’s jaw, “ready to shower?”“I think I could be fused in this position.” Tae responds.
Jungkook tightens his grip, “We can solve that,” he says, falling onto his side and taking Tae with him.Tae shrieks and laughs, “That’s one way to do it.”“Do you want to shower first and I’ll get us some drinks?”Tae wriggles, turning around and facing Jungkook, “Is it too much to ask for a joint shower?”“Tae, we’ve just had sex and you ask if showering together is too much?”“People have sex all the time. It’s not always intimate but showering together, I think, is intimate.”“Was the sex, ‘just sex’?”“Not for me it wasn’t… you?”“I don’t believe that anything with you has ever been ‘just’ anything.”“Shower together, then?”“I’m comfortable with it if you are.”“I’m happy to spend as much time naked with you as possible.” Tae says, dropping a kiss on the tip of Jungkook’s nose.

----- CHAPTER BREAK -----

"Ha! You are still you!" Jungkook says with a cheer."I don't know what you mean." Tae says, crossing his arms."That pout. You're still my baby bear.""Kookie, seriously? I thought it was cringe when I was nineteen and it's even more cringy now."Jungkook laughs, "Ready?""I've been ready for ages. You're the one taking his time.""Sorry that I needed a wash because I woke up with crusty, dried saliva on my chest.""You did not. You have always been a dramatic bunny.""You know that you dribble in your sleep. The wet patches on my t-shirt were proof.""I don't remember.""Sure… I can drive today?"Tae steps forward and reaches for Jungkook’s hand. "We are catching a bus and the train. I want to take public transport.""I appreciate what you're doing but I think you've proven yourself. The boxing fundraiser was quite a show.”“What sort of person would it make me if I stopped proving myself? I don’t want to stop. Maybe, being a secret is something I never want to go back to either and every time I am seen with you in public, it’s confirmation to myself, too.”Jungkook brings Tae’s hand up to his mouth and kisses his knuckles, “Let’s go then.”They walk through the building hand in hand, out onto the street and to the bus stop. It’s a pleasant journey and there was a warm and fuzzy feeling as each time they sat down together on the bus or train, Tae linked his arm with Jungkook’s. He’d been so worried about inviting Tae to stay the night, worries that were completely unfounded. He’d been concerned that it was too soon, that they would run out of conversation and silences would be awkward. He worried that it would bring back negative feelings and that would overshadow what he thought they were trying to build. He was concerned that he would wake with regret and realise that his relationship with Tae was a thing of the past and should be left there… but instead, the evening was perfect, even when a difficult topic arose, they talked it through with honesty and compassion. The sex blew his mind again, the shower afterwards was every bit the sensual moment he’d hoped it would be and he’d fallen asleep with Tae laying on his chest, as he always used to do.
It was as if a switch had been flicked when they woke this morning, familiarity rearing its head and creating a new level of comfort. They’d jokingly complained about each other’s morning breath and Jungkook complained about the dried drool on his chest. Tae made them breakfast while the boxing trainer washed up and got dressed and they kissed a lot. Jungkook couldn’t ignore the overwhelming feeling that Tae was where he was always meant to be but he attempted to ground himself with the reminder that it wasn’t that long ago that he’d been catfished. He just wanted to make sure this was the right thing, that they were doing the right thing, he didn’t want either of them to get hurt again.Tae was visibly melting and had huge heart eyes, possibly mistaken for excitement as they entered Everland but his excitement was because of the look on Jungkook’s face. The boxing trainer was practically bouncing on his toes, eagerly looking at the theme park map on the Everland app on his phone and Tae wanted to bottle this feeling.“Look at the Rolling X-Train! I’d forgotten about that! I think it was ‘Let’s Twist’ that made my brother sick though.” Jungkook giggles.Tae had studied all the rides, he knew what those were and he was sure he could close his eyes on the fast ones because that’s what other people did and he could scream and no one would bat an eyelid. The fast ones were manageable because they were fast or at least that’s what he told himself.“Let’s not do those after food then, just in case.”“What rides do you want to do? We should make sure we go on everything that we want.”“Erm… Zootopia looks like a fun world and Magic land.”“What about big rides? Magic land is the area full of rides for children. Though the Spooky House could be fun.”“And the Dragon Coaster looks cool, plus it has Thunder Falls, the big water ride.”“Yes, it does! So we work our way around everywhere and jump on everything that we want to?”“That sounds like a plan.”“I think the big coasters will be busy so can we head there first?”“Sure.” Tae takes a breath and thinks that getting some of the larger rides out of the way would be a positive.The first two rides weren’t great and Jungkook laughed at Tae a lot when Tae closed his eyes as the ride ascended and didn’t really open them at all. Jungkook just presumed that Tae wasn’t a fan of the faster rides but lots of people screamed and kept their eyes closed but they enjoyed the experience so Tae was like them. Jungkook was a bit of a thrill-seeker, the faster the ride the better and he rarely shied away from anything. He had a rough plan in his mind that if they did a couple more big rides, they could then grab a drink and take a walk through Zootopia. There was a safari bus there, with lots of animals and they could take a leisurely walk through. It was difficult not to imagine what today would’ve looked like years ago, Tae as his plus one for his birthday with his family around. What he needed to focus on was that they were here and whatever the circumstances were, they’d finally made it.“Ooooh… look, look! We should do the Columbus Adventure as we are here in American Adventure Land, right?”Tae looked ahead and could see the sign with the ride name blazoned across it and his stomach sank… a pirate ship… he hated the ship rides. He’d been on one before and thought that sitting in the middle meant he wouldn’t have to go up so high but it didn’t make any difference. It was a ride where he couldn’t hide his fear because it was so slow and people always did that thing where they raised both their hands when it was at the highest point and then screamed as they left their stomachs behind when it swung the other way, only to repeat the action. The faster rides looked like fun compared to this torturous ride.“Sure.” Tae says with a smile.The ship is operating as they queue and Jungkook talks animatedly about the great feeling that you get as the ship swings. Tae listens but also isn’t listening as his date expresses his preference to go as far at the back or front as they can to get the maximum effect.As the ship goes again and the couple are close to the front for the next ride, Jungkook turns to face Tae, “What is it? There’s something wrong and I could be overthinking it but I need to know. You have always been easy to read, Tae and if it’s something I’ve done or maybe we are moving too fast or whatever it is, I want to give you the space to talk.”This conversation was meant to have been the one they had on the bus or train on the way home when Jungkook told him he was stupid for not telling him sooner but that they would rethink future dates to theme parks. It wasn’t meant to happen right now but Tae hadn’t factored in that Jungkook would want to ride Columbus Adventure because it was hardly a white knuckle experience. He was wrong and now he had no choice because the one thing he wasn’t was a liar and he wouldn’t be dishonest.“I knew I was never going to be a successful actor. It’s nothing you’ve done and I don’t know if we’re moving too fast so it’s not that. You see… I’m scared when I look down from a high place.”Jungkook takes a second, the excess blinking of his eyes is evidence that he’s a bit confused and wasn’t expecting that response. “You’re scared of heights?”“Yeah.”“Why didn’t you tell me? Why bring me here?”“Because up until I ruined it, you were having such a good time and you were so excited and it was a place that we should have visited for your birthday. I wanted for us to have the date we never had.”“But… I don’t want to be here if you aren’t happy. Tae, I have told you again and again… the only thing that I need is for you to be you. Is that why you didn't want to eat on the balcony last night? Ugh! I was honest from the start and the most important thing for me was to learn to trust your words and you’ve been proving yourself so much but making yourself uncomfortable for me doesn’t work for either of us.”Tae’s eyes fill, “I’m sorry. I made a list of dates to take you on and I just wanted to make you happy. Hobi was annoyed that I’d hidden my fear of heights from you and I was going to tell you on the way back but I thought I could get through the day.”Jungkook reaches up and places his palm on Tae’s jaw, caressing his cheek with his thumb. “You being you would make me happy. I don’t want someone who puts my happiness above his own. That’s not sustainable, Tae. You’ve been through so much to find yourself and find that peace to be who you are. I can’t allow you to detract from that for me… I’d rather us stop this if that’s what it costs.”“I wanted so badly to give you the day we never had, that’s all. I promise there’s nothing else and I won’t hide anything from you again… please, Kookie…”“Hey, I’m not saying we will stop this or that we should but I need for you to understand that you are enough as you are now. You always were enough but the difference back then was that you couldn’t see it. I see a man who is comfortable and confident in who he is now and that’s the man that is doing a damn good job of winning me back.”“He is, huh?” Tae wiggles his eyebrows up and down.“He is. This was never going to be easy but you don’t need to make things harder. Come on…” Jungkook says, moving his hand from Tae’s face to take hold of his arm and lead him out of the queue as the current ride comes to a halt and people disembark.Tae stops him from moving, “I want to do it… the ride.”“What? Why?”“I’ve spent twelve years facing my fears alone and I don’t ever want to allow my fears to rule me again.”“The difference now is that you aren’t alone. I will follow your lead, sit wherever you want to but only if you are sure you want to do this!”“Okay, I am sure.” He decides in the moment that it’s an all or nothing thing because it actually didn’t matter where he sat, it was going to be hell.So he leads Jungkook to the farthest seats on the right-hand side and slides in, followed closely by Jungkook. His heart thumps loudly in his chest and the blood rushes in his ears.
As the bar comes down, Tae grips it with both hands and Jungkook turns to look at him.“Tae, Look at me, just look at me.”“It will be fine.” Tae says, not believing a word of it as the ship begins to move.The ride feels like it lasted days not minutes but Tae felt euphoric as he leaves the ship on shaky legs. It was every bit as hellish as he’d thought but there was a point towards the end of the ride where Jungkook took hold of his left hand and raised it into the air, not letting go of him for a second. Tae was sure he was going to die but not from the ride or from fear but from the depth of feeling he has for the boxing trainer.“What was that for?” Jungkook asks as Tae throws his arms around him and plants a smacker of a kiss on his lips. “People are looking.”“I don’t care, they can look.” Is Tae’s response as they join hands and start walking.“Do you feel okay? I’m proud of you for doing that but you didn’t have to.”“I’m okay but I won’t be doing it again. I did some thinking while I was being terrified.”“About what?”"Us and moving forwards.”“Okay?”“Future dates, how about we both come up with dates that we would like to have done in the past? We can write a list and do them now. I can’t change that I didn’t come here with you and your family but being here with you today creates a memory that we can look back on, probably for the wrong reasons…” Tae giggles, knowing full well that his stupidity will probably be the focal point, “... but for me, it means that I got here with you eventually.”“That sounds like a good idea. There was so much that I wanted to do with you. I suppose that’s what hurt so much and made me feel so bitter at times because I couldn’t have that normal dating situation with you.”“Now we can and I’d like to do that and we can fill our scrapbook.”“I really like that idea.”“And there’s something else but you’re going to need to listen to it all because I think it’s not going to come out so well.”Jungkook suddenly feels apprehensive, “O-KAY” he says nervously.“I think it was when we were walking by the river that I told you that I didn’t know what we were so I didn’t know when actions could be classed as overstepping the mark. There have been times I’ve wanted to hold your hand over the table when you’ve come into O’Clock but I haven’t because people could ask who you are and if we were together and I don’t know what to say… and not because I’m hiding you or anything but because I don’t want to assume or put words in your mouth or be something we are not…”
Tae takes a deep breath and they stop to perch on a wall. Tae stands in front of Jungkook so he can continue even if he’s sure he’s not making any sense.“... I know that I am trying to win you back and that we are technically dating but what does that mean now? I love you still, no, I love you more now and I want to call you my boyfriend… but properly this time and be an actual couple that does couple things in a couple kind of way. I want to commit to you and for you to continue to learn to trust my word because I will back it up with actions every day… I don’t expect an answer now… this is not me putting you on the spot. What I will say is that tomorrow morning at 6am I will be at the bridge. I have a shift at O’Clock for a few hours so will go via the bridge. If
you have decided by then, meet me there… wait… please, before you say anything… this is not an ultimatum, this is not me saying that if you don’t show up that is it and I will stop trying because that’s not what this is. This is me saying that I am ready to start a fresh chapter in my life as your boyfriend but if you aren’t ready and you want to continue dating until you are sure then we can do that.”Jungkook is lost for words. There was a point when Tae was speaking that he could’ve cried and his heart sank when it sounded like he was being given a choice and at that moment he was hit with the emotion and he knew he couldn’t lose Tae again. There was also the flashback to that terrible day when he was the one issuing the ultimatum and that day he lost the love of his life. His feelings altered and calmed down as Tae finished what he was saying and Jungkook realised that the choice he had wasn’t about having a relationship with Tae or not. What Tae was saying wasn’t black and white and he very much appreciated that. He could hear that Tae was confused by their status and he heard that Tae was ready to commit but Jungkook understood why he was ahead in his thoughts because Tae had six months to get his head around it all.“You’ve had longer to get used to all this as you knew what your plan was before you contacted me on the dating app so I can see why you are at the stage you are at. Thank you for giving me the time to think about it because I do need time. I feel like I’m just getting used to having you back but also that I don’t really have you ‘back’ because of how different things are. So… if I’m not ready… we keep things the way they are for now? I don’t want to lose you, Tae, that much I am sure of, but I also won’t be pushed into making a rash decision.”“This isn’t intended to push you into anything. I don’t want to lose you and I won’t give up trying but I maintain that I can only keep trying as long as you allow it. I’ve spent so long wanting this and being scared of it all at the same time so this is simply my way of letting you know… of showing you that I am here for you and I’m ready to take the next step.”“I will think about everything you’ve said, I promise… and I won’t leave you waiting. If I decide I’d like to keep things as they are for a while longer, I will send you a message so you aren’t waiting… I couldn’t do that to you.”“Okay, I accept that.”“How about a slushie and a walk to Zootopia?” Jungkook suggests.Tae smiles, “That sounds great.” relieved and terrified all at once... he just has to hope that he hadn't jumped the gun.

----- CHAPTER BREAK -----

“So, it’s not an ultimatum?” Mr Kim asks.“No… I love him, why would I do that and risk losing him?”“Are you sure he doesn’t see it as an ultimatum?”“Yes, I’m sure. We had a really lovely day yesterday, Appa. On the train on the way back he told me again that he would message me if he isn’t going to be there this morning and he said he would join me for my break. So, we have a date planned no matter what happens.”“Won’t that be awkward?”“Why does it feel like you aren’t happy for me?”“I am happy for you. If you two can work this out it will be the greatest outcome after watching you try to destroy your life over the years. When you came back I told you that it’s never too late and that you needed closure one way or another so I am one hundred percent on your side. I could see that you had to confront your past with Jungkook before you admitted it.”“Yeah, yeah. I know. That is the story of my life. Everyone could see things before I was willing to admit it. Talking of which, I had the strangest message on Instagram from Nam-Chin. He still sees Hak-Kun and was told about me kissing Jungkook at the fundraiser. He said he’d always thought I was gay and would I like to meet up for a coffee as he didn’t know I was back.”“Did you reply?”“Yeah. I said if he has the same opinion as Hak-Kun then I’m not interested in meeting up.”“Good for you.”“He said that he might be friends with him but he didn’t share his views and he’d like to catch up with me.”“One of the group has matured with age then? That’s good.”“I don’t want to go.”“For coffee? Then don’t.”“No… the bridge… I can’t do it.” Tae sits down at the table in the kitchen.“What? Have we switched conversation now?”“I just… what if he doesn’t come?”Mr Kim feels confusion take over as he was sure this was all sorted. “Then he will send you a message and meet you later for your break… isn’t that what you said?”“But you’re right, what if it makes it awkward? I want this so badly. I’ve never wanted a boyfriend so much in my life. My head was too messed up to understand what that even meant the first time around and all my boyfriends since then have just been ‘boyfriends’ and that’s just what you do when you’re in a relationship, that’s what you are but this… I so badly want this.”“If Jungkook sends you that message, it doesn’t mean he doesn’t want it, it means he needs a little more time, that’s all. This isn’t like before when you lost each other. When you walked away last time, you were walking away from your relationship but that’s not like that this time. It’s okay to be ready at different times. He’s had a lot to take in, in a short amount of time. You’ve been working up to this seriously for six months, putting things in place and making your move but he’s playing catch up. You’ve done the right thing by laying your cards on the table and giving him the space to think. This isn’t the end.”“What if he decides that he doesn’t want to continue anymore? Maybe I’ve done the wrong thing by telling him what I want and how I feel because he might give everything some serious thought and decide he won’t even want me as a boyfriend so to cut ties before we go any further.”“That’s always been the case from the moment he knew it was you behind those messages. He could’ve ended this at any time or even not started it. You’ve both had time and space to think in between meeting each other so it could’ve happened any time.”“The thought of losing him again hurts.”“I know it does but it says a lot about you because you’ve shown bravery and determination to get what you want. Jungkook can see that, I’m sure. You’ve done what is best for you and he needs to do what is best for him.”Tae looks up at his father with watery eyes, “And what if I’m not what is best for him?”“Then you dust yourself off and take a different path.”“I don’t want a different path.”“I know but I also know that Jungkook’s happiness means a lot to you and you may not accept it immediately but he may feel that his happiness isn’t with you.”“That’s what I’m scared of.”Tae was more than scared. He was petrified. While on the ship ride yesterday he’d looked into Jungkook’s eyes just as he told him to and he knew he wanted that man forever. He’d waited long enough and he wanted to move forwards as boyfriends. When Jungkook took his hand, raising it in the air as they rode together and even though he hated the feeling in his stomach caused by the motion of the ride (plus he hated being up so high), he felt like he could conquer the world. As long as he had Jungkook by his side, he could achieve anything and that was what prompted his speech and decision. He knew it could have sounded much worse and he didn’t want Jungkook to think it was a situation where he had to choose between being boyfriends or having nothing at all. The rest of the day was a dream and he’d had a real taste of what it would be like to visit a place together as a couple and go on all the dates they’d agreed to add to his list. He wanted to hold hands and steal kisses and share food. He wanted to share everything and do it as an official couple because that’s what happened in a normal relationship and he so badly wanted them to be normal.
As he walked along the river to the bridge, the small tissue paper flower was sticking to his sweaty fingers. His palms were clammy and a nervous ball riddled with anxiety sat firmly in his stomach and chest. He should’ve bought a fresh flower because the origami tissue paper one looked a bit sad now after he’d tried to wipe his hands and hold it without ruining it.
Maybe it was a sign that he shouldn’t have bothered?
He didn’t even know if he believed in such things and then it started to rain and he felt like the world was conspiring against him. The weather forecast said rain later in the day and so he’d brought his umbrella in preparation for the journey home after work but the rain was still early.The phone in his hand weighed heavy as he waited for a message from Jungkook. The other hand held the umbrella and as the time showed 6:02am any hope he had was rapidly diminishing. They’d been in a situation where text messages weren’t received so his mind was convincing him that this is what had happened again and that Jungkook wasn’t going to show.6:04am and he shouldn’t wait any longer or he would run the risk of being late for work as this was already out of his way.The next few hours would be further torture as he waited to see whether Jungkook would show up for the date on his break. Maybe in the text message he’d said he couldn’t do it at all and had wished him a good life and said goodbye? Maybe he would have to assume that’s what happened when Jungkook doesn’t show because he’d never know for sure.Tae hoped he’d done enough to move them on to the next stage but obviously that wasn’t the case and providing Jungkook turned up later, he would continue putting in the effort because he wanted this to work.6:06am and he needed to go.Heavy footsteps pounding the pavement and splashing in the rainwater caught his attention and he turned back to the mouth of the bridge where the top of an umbrella was coming closer into view. His eyes widened and filled with tears instantly as Jungkook ran towards him, face frantic for whatever reason but he presumed because he thought he was late… which he was.“Tae! Don’t go!” Jungkook calls out as he races past the frosted spheres of the concrete pillars.“I… didn’t think you were coming.”“I… I know… but… I said I’d message you… if I wasn’t going to show up.” He says, reaching Tae and trying to catch his breath.“I thought that maybe it hadn’t sent, like before.”“No… I’m just late… I’m sorry.”Jungkook had thought of nothing else since Tae spoke to him after the Columbus ship yesterday. He’d parted ways with him and gone straight to his parents house where they’d sat him down and heard him out. Jungkook explained everything to both his mother and father and received two points of view that amounted to the same thing.His father asked him what the point in waiting would be? He had a simplistic view and in his opinion, if Jungkook knew he wanted to be with Tae it made no difference what they were labelled as. He said that if Jungkook was going to continue to allow Tae to prove himself that by defining the status of the relationship it provided the security to dissolve barriers and they could both live as they intended and he didnt understand the difference between dating and being boyfriends, especially when they were being intimate and doing everything a couple would do anyway.Su’s point of view was to firstly to commend Tae for the bravery of the whole occasion and she recognised the enormity of what he’d done, given their past. She also recognised the feelings it must’ve stirred up in Jungkook when once again there was a decision to be made and even though they would still see each other regardless of his decision, it was a turning point all the same. Her advice was for Jungkook to focus on the present and not to get bogged down by their past. She loved their idea of writing a list of dates that they’d always wanted to go on together but she urged him to not allow their past to ruin a future he wanted.The bottom line was that Jungkook was scared. He was scared because for twelve years he didn’t think he’d ever see Tae again. He’d reluctantly accepted that he would always be the one who got away even if it was the right decision back then. And then that all changed and he was faced with the man he loved telling him that he wanted to win him back. Tae walked into his life, flipped it on its head and staked his claim. Jungkook accepted his proposal and gave him one more chance and he was scared to death that he wouldn’t get the happily ever after he’d wanted for so long.After meeting with his parents he read the lyrics of the song Tae had written him and laid awake for ages with those words going round and around his head.“You’re here… so does that mean… does it mean…” Tae kicks himself.“Tae, up until the day that Coffee Queen swiped right on me, I didn’t hold out any hope of ever seeing you again. I didn’t know where you were or what you were doing, I didn’t even know you were back. But I thought about you and you lived here, in my heart, buried deep. You were the secret that I never spoke about because it was really only us that knew what we had and to be honest, it hurt so much that it was easier to bury it. And then it was you and you were back and you told me you wanted to win me back and you understood why we hadn’t worked out back then. I used to want you to accept yourself and be free to be yourself. I wanted to feel like we were both in a relationship where we were equal… everything I wanted back then is what we have now but with embellishments I could never have dreamed of. Last night I read the song you wrote me and I read it again this morning. That first part… ‘Why can't we turn back the hands of time. Holdin' on the dreams inside And I won't let you down, look into my eyes. What do you see, honest and sincerely, darlin', Put your trust in me’ I think that we’ve both held onto the dreams inside or we wouldn’t be here today. I’ve seen so much in your eyes, Tae, not just honesty and sincerity but love and determination and bravery, so much bravery. I’m sorry I’m late… I’m ready to commit because I realised that I trust you not to let me down but I want to promise that I will try not to let you down, too. We both have to work hard at this but I’m all in… you’ve shown me enough for me to trust that.”There’s silence as Tae isn’t sure he’s hearing correctly and his brain catches up. The tears running down his face tell him that there’s a part of him that has understood what Jungkook was saying at least. He’s made it awkward and needs to say something.“Does this mean you will be my boyfriend? Officially? Exclusively together?”Jungkook giggles with fondness, he thought that’s more or less what he’d said but apparently it wasn’t clear. “Yeah that’s what it means… if you’ll still have me?”Tae drops his umbrella and surges forwards to kiss Jungkook, whose umbrella also hits the ground as they wrap their arms around each other. Tae doesn’t care about getting wet, he doesn’t care that the wind is carrying his umbrella away because he’s got the love of his life in his arms, sealing their decision with a kiss. This was everything he wanted but never thought he was deserving of it but Jungkook was the one who mattered and always had. Tae felt like he could achieve absolutely anything now and it truly felt like his life was just beginning.

----- CHAPTER BREAK -----

A dream…A blissful utopia…There were many words and phrases that could be used to describe the last three months and any one of them would be an understatement.
But today was a big deal and that was something he hadn’t used to describe his life with Jungkook for a while. Today was such a big deal that he’d changed his clothes five times and restyled his hair twice after thinking that he should’ve had it cut shorter so it didn’t look so messy.
Yesterday evening they’d been out for dinner with Hobi and Jimin which had become a once a month occurrence since their first meal together after Everland. Tae liked spending time with Hobi and Jimin, they reminded him of what he aspired to as far as relationships went and they had become very good friends of his. Hobi was slightly less forthcoming with Jungkook but he was honest and open, explaining that he was worried that Tae would leave again if things hadn’t worked out, which was another viewpoint that neither Tae or Jungkook considered. Hobi couldn't lose his friend now he was back and their friendship had progressed from virtual while Tae was away to close with the gym owner often stopping by O'Clock. Communication was the fundamental thread that was interwoven in every relationship and friendships were not excluded from that. The one thing that everyone learned from the past was that things needed to be said because secrecy wasn’t good for anyone unless it was a surprise.Mr Kim had one bad experience with dating last month, when the woman he was seeing said she couldn’t accept someone whose son was gay and he was relieved he found out sooner rather than later. No one expected the situation to trigger Tae who apologised for not being straight and for causing trouble. That moment prompted years of torment to come to the surface where he simply needed to sob and release what held him captive all those years ago. He felt responsible for what his father had gone through, he’d put his life on hold to raise a son who had turned out to be a failure. Tae admitted to his father that he’d always wanted to be the perfect son, to be someone to be proud of because Tae was all Mr Kim had to show for his life. When Tae looked at what society and culture deemed to be the perfect son, it always meant heterosexuality because that son was meant to get a career, get married to a fine upstanding woman who would carry their children and provide the family with a future lineage.Being gay wasn’t something to be proud of so he’d buried it during his teens and tried so hard not to be gay… or so he thought.That heart to heart was a breath of fresh air for the father and son and finally Mr Kim understood why his son tried so hard to deny his sexuality when he’d always accepted his son was gay. Tae was selfless, putting others needs and happiness before his own but it was always detrimental to himself and never what the other person wanted either. Jungkook was his amazingly supportive self, listening as Tae relayed everything to him after the conversation with his father. The boxing trainer hadn't realised that Tae didn't ever confess all to his father about the reason for the denial and finally Tae was free from all of the chains that prevented him from being himself all those years ago. Mr Kim had more success with women after that bad experience and was enjoying life dating where he would happily discuss his son who he was incredibly proud of. He would speak about Tae and his boyfriend and any woman that didn’t want to know him because of that, he would gladly hold the door open for.Tae felt as if he’d exorcised so many demons since that Everland date and he’d never felt as free as he did now. He’d met with Nam-Chin a few times and slowly worked out why he’d reached out to Tae. Nam-Chin was a married man who was concealing his true sexuality and Tae understood that turmoil all too well. It was worse for his friend now that there was a wife and family involved, when he had Hak-Kun as a best friend and a homophobic workplace. It wasn’t going to be easy but Tae took him to Rainbow Bubble where they’d drafted a plan of freedom and even though it was a certainty that people would get hurt, the torment of living a lie could result in serious consequences as Nam-Chin was already struggling. Statistics weren’t to be ignored and with the right support in place, Tae hoped that he could find the bravery within him to make the giant leap to a happier life.Today was Tae’s test or that’s how it felt. He was trying not to think about the magnitude of what today meant but it was fruitless and the five changes of outfit were testament to that.In all the years of knowing Jungkook, he’d never met Jungkook’s family. Every invite to a family occasion was declined, they only went to Jungkook’s house when his family were out and never stayed long just in case. So two weeks ago when Jungkook invited Tae to a family dinner, Tae was initially glowing and beaming with enthusiasm. He was going to be introduced to Jungkook’s family as his boyfriend and if ever there was evidence of acceptance, that was it. They'd decided to work on each other to begin with, get to know who they were in an attempt to lay a sturdy foundation before official introductions. They realised that there was a lot about their past that was the cement to the current brickwork and when the family dinner invite came, Jungkook felt brave enough to ask and Tae was keen to accept.But then worry set in.He’d not been so desperate to make a good impression before and these people had seen their son go through unnecessary suffering because of him. He truly felt that Jungkook was his forever but he knew how close Jungkook and his family were and he wanted their approval.“Wow! You look incredible.” Jungkook says as he arrives at their usual meeting point, choosing to walk to his parents home together.“Thanks, you do too.”“Right… stop right there. Tae, what is it?” Jungkook stands still, hands on his hips as he awaits a response.“I’m worried they won’t like me.”Jungkook shouldn’t laugh but he does, “What is there not to like?”“I don’t know. I’m nervous, Kookie.”“This is a big deal, I get it and I feel it too. This means more to me than I think you realise but I have no worries about whether they will like you.”“You don’t?”“No, I don’t. I think they know enough about me to know that I don’t just love anyone, so you must be special.” The boxing trainer moves his hands to Tae's waist.“Okay.”“Oh and I found this in my coat pocket yesterday.” Jungkook laughs as he shows Tae the pink origami tissue paper flower from the rainy day on the bridge.“I made one for your Eomma… do you think that’s silly? Maybe I shouldn’t give it to her… I…”Tae is cut off when there's a mouth pressed to his and he’d much rather kiss Jungkook than continue rambling.“Please, Tae… stop worrying.”“Okay.”They walk arm in arm because there were certain areas where holding hands was likely to incite a rude comment and they didn’t want negativity to ruin their day. It was still dream worthy for Jungkook, to consider options on public displays of affection based on the area or event, instead of it being ruled out altogether because they were a secret.Tae felt sick as they reached the house and he saw this as one of the final hurdles he needed to overcome. The smile that Su gave him as they entered the lounge made him worry a lot less and she soon greeted him with a hug after embracing her son. “I will wait patiently for a formal introduction.”Tae melted as the expression on Jungkook’s face was one of pure happiness and pride as he spoke, “Tae, this is Su, my Eomma and Seong-Ho, my Appa.”“We are pleased to finally meet you, Tae.” Su says warmly.“Please sit down. No need to stand. Would you like a drink?” Mr Jeon asks.Tae bows before sitting on the leather sofa. He feels more relaxed when Jungkook sits beside him. “Yes please.”“Tae doesn’t drink coffee.” Jungkook tells his father, “I’ll have a coke.”“I’ll have coke, too, if that’s okay?” Tae says.Mr Jeon nods and leaves the room. Jungkook wants Tae to relax, he looked so tense. He reaches across and puts his hand around the back of him and Tae instinctively leans into him which makes him smile. They were learning that there were still remnants of them as a couple from the first time around. Jungkook was still openly affectionate and Tae would still lean into the touch or respond in some way. The differences now were that Tae initiated affection just as much, neither held back and they didn’t hold back when people close to them were around.“How is work going at the bistro?” Su asks, sitting down and feeling so much love for the sight before her. She was pleased that her son decided to take a leap of faith. His love for Tae was evident from the moment Tae revealed he was behind the dating app messages. She could see that time was no match for the love that was still clearly present by his reaction and seeing them together now, fills her with so much joy.“I have an interview for promotion next week. I don’t think I’ll get it because I’ve not been there for very long but I’m going to try. My boss has put me in charge of their advertising on social media. She owns several bistro’s and she wants there to be consistency across the designs of the menus and signage. We do cupsleeve events now so it keeps me busy.”“And Rainbow Bubble has contacted Tae about their posters and leaflets… I have asked him to redesign for Bam! But he refused.” Jungkook says with a slight pout.“It sounds like you have a lot on, Tae.” Su smiles.“I do and I would like to add that I have declined the request for Bam! Because I really like the design already.” Tae says, turning to his right and giving Jungkook a kiss on the cheek.Jungkook still gets taken aback when Tae kisses or touches him in front of people and it always makes his insides liquify.
“If you decide to start your own design business, let me know, I could help with that. I am a business manager and legal aid after all.”“Thank you but I really love working at O’Clock and I am enjoying having art back in my life as a hobby or integrating it into my work. I’m not good enough to do it full time.”“You are… he is, Eomma, he is amazing. It’s not just art, he knows about web design and creates the most beautiful things digitally. He’s amazing.” Jungkook gushes.Su giggles and tries to contain it, “You have the CEO of your fan club there, Tae.”“Yeah but he’s amazing, too.” Tae adds.“Here you go.” Mr Jeon says as he appears in the room with tumblers of ice and a bottle of coke on a tray.
“Thank you.” Tae says.“Uncle Kookie!” accompanies the sound of quick footsteps and they hear Hana before she runs through the door into the lounge.“Ahhhh Joon-Dae, fashionably late as usual.” Mr Jeon says.Jungkook catches the girl who runs at him and jumps into his lap. Tae manages to secure his tumbler before coke was spilled everywhere.“Hey, Hana. I didn’t know you were coming for dinner.”“Didn’t we tell you? Sorry… Tae I hope you don’t mind?” Su asks.“No… erm… of course not.” His stomach began to churn with nerves again.“Where’s your Appa?” Mr Jeon asks the little girl.“Talking to the man next door. I got bored of hearing them talk about painting a fence.” Hana admits.“Is your Eomma here?” Jungkook asks.“No, at work.” Hana looks at Tae and points, “Who are you?”“I’m Tae. You must be Hana?”“Is he your friend, Uncle Kookie?”Jungkook looks at Tae then back to his niece, “Tae is my boyfriend.”“Do you love him?”Su jumps in to try and diffuse the blunt little girl, “Hana, why don’t you come with me and get a drink?”“Do you love my Uncle Kookie?” she asks Tae.“I do, very much.” Tae responds.“And do you love Tae, Uncle Kookie?”“Yes.”“Do you kiss?”“Okay, Miss Hana, let’s go and get a drink and I have some Pocky in the cupboard.” Su says, scooping the girl out of Jungkook’s lap.“Eomma and Appa kiss and they love each other. You need to kiss.” Hana says over the shoulder of her Grandmother.Jungkook giggles, “Sorry about that. I think we can expect more questions.”“She’s so cute.” Tae answers.“You won’t be so fond when you’ve had a hundred questions in a very small amount of time.” Seong-Ho says with a laugh.
“I don’t mind. Kids are great.” Tae says.Jungkook’s brother soon arrives with his daughter swinging from his hand, “Finally! The elusive Tae.”
Tae feels like a celebrity and is already looking forward to some normality and becoming a part of the furniture so the spotlight leaves him.“Joon-Dae, this is Tae.” Jungkook introduces.Tae stands to bow and sits again.“They are boyfriends, Appa.” Hana announces.“I know. Uncle Kookie has fallen in love, eh?”“Don’t encourage your daughter.” Mr Jeon tells his eldest son.“Can I call you Uncle Tae?” Hana asks with a big frown that makes her forehead wrinkle.“Oh erm… if that’s okay with your Appa and if you want to.” Tae says. He feels like there could be an etiquette for that sort of thing but he doesn’t know what that is.“If this was any normal three month relationship I might be a bit hesitant but I think we’re safe here.” Jungkook’s brother smiles.“Can we go to the zoo, Uncle Tae?”Jungkook turns to look at Tae, finding it amusing how his niece has so much enthusiasm for his boyfriend. He hadn’t ever introduced anyone to her before. She knew he was gay, her parents and grandparents always spoke about Jungkook looking for a boyfriend to normalise it so she’d grown up expecting to see him with a man. They took her to Pride every year and made sure she was well grounded and educated. They wanted her to grow up and to accept everyone for who they were and as she was about to turn six soon, her upbringing and level of acceptance was clear.Tae feels put on the spot as the little girl stares at him intently. He can feel his face heating up and after all of his worries about first impressions with Jungkook’s parents, that had all been eclipsed by wanting to say and do the right thing when it came to the five year old little girl.“If erm… if you would like to go? And if it’s okay with your Eomma and Appa.”“Will you come to the zoo, Uncle Kookie?”“Oh… I’m invited am I?” Jungkook says which makes everyone laugh but Tae’s cheeks become a deeper pink.“Of course you are.” Tae mumbles.
Jungkook feels sorry for his boyfriend as he sits there blushing and leans across to kiss him on the cheek, “I love you.” he whispers.“See… they kiss!” Hana shrieks, which makes everyone laugh more.The emotion hits Tae and as much as he regrets the past and he has to be thankful for the present. All those years of soul searching was worth it and no matter how many times he regrets his decisions in the past, that path led him back to Jungkook so thoughts of regret are short lived.Jungkook takes the hand of the man sat beside him and the sound of laughter fills his heart as much as his ears. This moment is the one he’d dreamed of, the one he’s always wanted with the man he’d never stopped loving. This was his happy ever after.

----- CHAPTER BREAK -----

“I am not telling you!” Tae giggles and tries to catch his breath.“I will catch you and tickle you until you tell me!” Jungkook states.The battle lines were drawn a while ago, They’d eaten dinner, cosied up on Jungkook’s sofa which is where Tae spent three days a week, both excited about their date tomorrow and going through their list. Tae had the scrapbook with him because they’d been on a river cruise two nights ago and he had the tickets and pictures to stick in. Whenever they had a new page to decorate, they would start from the beginning and go through each date again. Tae would always try to skip the Everland page because he would get embarrassed about the Columbus Adventure and then Jungkook would bring up how Tae screamed when a giraffe put its head through the window of the safari truck. The funniest photo so far was the one from the cinema because they couldn’t see themselves and aimed the phone where they thought they were. The picture shows them both pulling faces as they were blinded by the flash. There were pages full of pictures from occasions that weren't specifically 'a date', like the walk along the river after Tae walked to surprise Jungkook as he was closing up the gym and the times that Jungkook met Tae at O'Clock for his break.Tomorrow was Pride day and Tae had the day planned… but it was a surprise and Jungkook didn’t like surprises. He’d been trying to get the details out of Tae for ages but Tae wouldn’t tell him because he wanted it to be a surprise. Jungkook said he hated surprises but he was excited for what Tae had planned but he still wanted to know.“I will not tell you!” Tae protests.Jungkook is planning his next move. Tae stands behind one of the sofa’s, both hands on the back rest as the standoff continues. He’d been running around the furniture away from Jungkook, laughter filling the air.
“Please?” He decides to try different tactics.“No, Kookie. I really want to surprise you.” The real reason it was a surprise was because he didn’t know if one of the things would happen so it was better he didn’t say anything.“Okay, I give up.” Jungkook says.Tae stands upright and walks around the sofa, “You know we are going to Pride, please let me do the rest."Jungkook surges forwards and Tae doesn’t have time to react so they are in a heap on the sofa in seconds. The boxing trainer wrestles with Tae’s arms and pins them above his head with one hand while the other hand is poised, fingers wiggling. Tae is pinned, his gorgeous boyfriend straddling him, looking at him with a shit eating grin.“Tell me one thing… just one?”
Tae giggles, “This isn’t fair.”Jungkook tickles Tae’s armpit for a second and the response is a lot of wriggling and laughter. “Just one?”“We are having a picnic… there… that’s one thing.” Tae says.
“I love picnics!” Jungkook exclaims, sitting upright and releasing Tae’s wrists from his grasp.“What a lucky guess that was then.” Tae says sarcastically, smile on his face, no desire to move his arms from the position they’re in.“Thank you…” Jungkook says, leaning down to kiss his boyfriend, “... you never cease to amaze me.""I love you and I said I wouldn't stop showing you.""I can't wait to take you on the date I have planned next month."Jungkook had booked a hotel and was taking Tae to a big art exhibition. It was something he’d always wanted to do for the boy back then who lived for art in all its glorious genres. He was excited when he heard about the event, booking the two day tickets, hotel and paying extra to meet one of the artists exhibiting.
"Well, I won't be chasing you around or using underhand tactics to get you to spill the details."Jungkook laughs and leans down again, smirking to himself when Tae turns his head to allow access to his neck. "That's because you like to be kept in the dark."Tae expels a breath as there are lips on his neck, "It's because I'm not a big kid.""Oh, is that what it is?""Mm'hmm" It's a struggle to focus on words when his blood is hurtling towards his nether regions with every swipe of his boyfriend’s tongue and lips showering his neck and throat with attention.Sex with Jungkook was perfect. Tae's body and mind finally aligned and intimacy with the man he loved was everything he'd ever imagined. Sex was the main learning curve for them both because they'd both changed so much in the years they'd spent apart and Tae was dramatically different from the version of himself all those years ago. They always took their time with each other and every occasion was a chance to explore further.Tae finally moves his hands and face, grabbing hold of Jungkook’s head and kissing him deeply. Tae loved spending time at Jungkook’s place, it felt like a home from home now. They'd spent one night at his place, Tae's father cooked a meal for them both and then went off to work. The couple had spoken about ghosts from the past and replacing certain memories so spending the night in Tae’s old bedroom was part of that. Neither of them could prevent the flashbacks as they climbed into bed but as soon as Tae's hand sneaked downwards under the duvet and his fingers fondled Jungkook’s member, the flashbacks halted. Tae made love to his boyfriend that night, in his own bed, in a way that he should have done in the past. They showered together, something they'd never done at Tae's and giggled when they'd lost track of time, kissing and touching as they washed each other. The sound of Mr Kim knocking on the bathroom door asking if they'd be much longer as he needed the toilet gave them feelings of being giggly teens, like they should have experienced in their youth but both cherished the adulthood experience more so.
"I want your butt here." Tae says, pointing to his mouth, voice hoarse with arousal."You got it." Jungkook replies.
He climbs off Tae and the sofa and strips off while Tae rids himself of his clothes. His thought process buffers as he takes in the sight before him of his gorgeous boyfriend spread out on the sofa in all his glory. When they'd gone for dinner with Mr Kim, he'd told the couple that they were proof that it was never too late and Jungkook believed that now. Things could so easily have been different but Tae didn't give up on him and for that he would always be grateful."C'mon, I'm hungry." Tae says with a grin and a wiggle of his eyebrows."If I wasn't so horny, that would be cringy.""Smooth… smooth is the word you're looking for."
"More lame, than smooth with added cringe." Jungkook adds."I don't care… I'm hungry for your arse so you either come here or you don't."This Tae, present day Tae, makes Jungkook’s brain malfunction, often! It's another learning curve because he's not only an upgrade on his past self, he's an upgrade on every partner Jungkook has had. Tae gives Jungkook things that he didn't know he needed and that was a huge head fuck.Jungkook gets into position, facing Tae's feet, rear end hovering over Tae's face as requested. He knows where this is going. For them, a 69 means living their best versatile life and this is usually the result after a few days apart. Since Tae came back into his life, he'd had to double up on bottles of lube especially for situations like this one when they both had one at their disposal. Jungkook coated his fingers and began teasing Tae's entrance. He left little kisses on the head of Tae's cock that lay against his stomach."Mmmmmmm" Tae expressed as he parted Jungkook’s buttocks and looked at his hole. He didn't mind being cringy if this was the result and he often expressed his desire to feast on his boyfriend.Sex with Jungkook was perfect. He was reminded of that every day because if they weren't together, his mind provided the information.
The temperature was rising as slurping sounds took the air hostage. Both men lost in their own worlds, bestowing pleasure on the other. They usually made it to the bedroom but that wasn't always possible as the kitchen counter could testify and Tae wanted Jungkook right here on the sofa.“Ride me.” Tae requests. Thanks to the copious amounts of exercise his boyfriend did, his body was exquisite and Tae loved any position that gave him a view of it.Jungkook found confidence arousing and his boyfriend knew what he wanted and was unafraid to make it known, which was the sexiest thing. He gets to his feet, wiping his mouth from the coating of saliva mixed with pre-cum and waits for Tae to sit upright. They stopped using condoms a couple of months ago neither saw the need as they’d committed to each other and received clean test results back as both had expected.Tae taps his thigh and wiggles his eyebrows up and down which makes Jungkook giggle and roll his eyes. There was a playful element to their sex life which was something missing from all his past relationships. Both were shameless and both weren’t backward in coming forwards with their needs and desires. One steamy afternoon in the throes of passion, Tae farted which led to hysterical laughter and they’d joked about it ever since. Tae maintained that it was a type of rocket booster effect where he was driving himself into Jungkook and putting in so much effort. Jungkook didn’t care what excuses his boyfriend made, he just thought it was hilarious and it was special how multifaceted their sex life was.Jungkook turns around and twerks as he moves into position. Tae hadn’t ever thought about how attractive someone could be from the rear until he spent a lot of time naked with Jungkook. He helps guide the boxing trainer into position and groans as his erection is swallowed by his man’s arse. Tae’s hands roam his back, his eyes darken at the sight of the muscular, peachy buttocks that gyrate on his lap. Jungkook is the sexiest man he’d ever known and will ever know, that much he was sure of. With their feet firmly on the floor, Tae feels helpless to watch and feel the way Jungkook moves, dropping kisses to his back and moaning freely.The new coffee table was a gift in moments like these. Tae grips Jungkook’s hips and edges him forwards, pushing him towards the table. The boxing trainer knows exactly what his boyfriend is doing and bends over, placing his palms on the wooden table in front of him. Tae doesn’t quite manage the smooth transition he’d hoped for as his cock slips out of his man but he’s soon standing behind him , re-entering him and thrusting into him which pulls the most delicious sounds from Jungkook.Tae bends his knees and angles his body, hands holding Jungkook firmly. His head is thrown back and the white ceiling is the view as he hurtles towards his release. The sound of skin slapping against skin reverberates around the room, along with noises of appreciation and heavy breaths. “Cumming.” He says as he pushes his body forwards one last time and stills.Jungkook waits for the grip on his hips to relax a little before he stands up and turns around. He wraps his arms around Tae’s middle and stares at his flushed face briefly before kissing him sweetly. “Lay down, gorgeous.” He says soothingly, knowing that when Tae cums first like this, it’s his chance to do the lovemaking.Tae smiles, head swimming with the orgasm that makes his insides feel fuzzy and lays down on the sofa, feet close to the corner section. He loves this sofa and he loves it more when Jungkook sits in the corner and Tae can ride him, the backrests at ninety degrees means he can hold on either side and use it as leverage because sex with Jungkook was perfect.Now he smiles as the boxing trainer positions himself on top of him, raising one leg and entering him slowly. He waits for Jungkook to get his rhythm before reaching out with grabby hands to hold the man he loves. Jungkook places a hand awkwardly at the side of Tae’s head and lowers himself down so their eyes are level and their mouths are close. Tae strokes his back with softer touches now, this, a much more intimate and sensual part of the occasion. They’ve had times where both have fucked each other into oblivion and those were long nights but this seemed to be their natural preference when versatility won. One would dominate first and give them both what they needed, followed by a slower, more sensual experience.
Jungkook’s pelvis grinds against Tae’s buttocks, his eyes trained on the face of the man beneath him. This was all he ever wanted and it’s thoughts like that and the sheer depth of love for his boyfriend that always makes him feel emotional. “I’m gonna cum.” He announces through strained breaths, connecting their lips and kissing Tae through his orgasmic high.***Morning arrived, they’d woken up, had breakfast and changed into their outfits for Pride. Tae in his pastel pink shorts and pastel coloured rainbow shirt and Jungkook in denim shorts and a sequinned rainbow vest top. Tae gifted Jungkook with a large MLM flag, with its greens and blues, one surprise he’d managed to keep hidden.“Hey… I hope those are happy tears.” Jungkook says to Tae, dabbing at his face with a tissue.“It’s my first Pride here.” Tae sniffles. He felt emotional from the moment he’d given Jungkook the flag but walking towards the place where the parade was going to take place and seeing all the flags and decorations, holding hands with the love of his life had pushed him over the edge.“And we will make it the most special one ever.” Jungkook says, leaning in to kiss his man.Jungkook’s family would be in the crowd somewhere today and they’d arranged to meet up to watch the parade together. Last year he watched it with Hana on his shoulders and she spent lots of time squealing at all the colours and the waves from the drag queens who adored her.“Ready to keep going?” Jungkook asks his boyfriend, wanting to make sure he was good to go before continuing. He understood the emotions that Pride can bring, he’d felt it many times.Tae takes the flag and puts it around their shoulders like a shawl, “All good.”
They find their spot and slowly the areas build up with more people as the parade start time looms closer. Tae hears Hana before he sees her and she rushes to her Uncle like she always does. This would be the first time that Tae gets to meet Hana’s mother but he’s no longer nervous about meeting people close to Jungkook.“Uncles!” Hana squeals with her parents and grandparents in tow.
Tae was busy greeting Jungkook’s family when there’s a hand tapping on his shoulder and he can’t stop the tears when he turns around and sees his father’s beaming face. “Appa!”
Mr Kim throws his arms around his son, “I hope they are happy tears.” He says.“Oh my god.” Tae says, closing his eyes and hugging his father tightly, “I didn’t expect you here. I thought you were working security?”“I love you Tae. You are my son and you make me so proud. I got my shift covered, this is your first Pride and I want to share it with you.”Jungkook’s eyes fill too. His sister in law sees and rubs his back in support as she can see what this means to everyone. “He’s going to smudge that make up.” She says to Jungkook.When Tae and his father part, further formal introductions are made and the two families stand together as the parade begins. Tae lets Hana draw more rainbows on his face with the make-up stick because the ones he had before were smudges thanks to the tears. Hana has the best vantage point from her father’s shoulders and hearing her cheers makes everyone smile.Ho-Lee waves and points them out from the float he is on with his drag queen cousin. When the float slows down, Ho-Lee’s cousin gets down and hands Hana a flag which makes her scream with delight. “I’m going to be a queen when I’m bigger!” she announces.Jungkook frowns when Tae kisses his cheek and moves away from him, “Where are you going?” He shouts over the noise of the crowd and music.“I have something to say.” Tae shouts back as he’s helped up onto the float where Ho-Lee hands him a microphone and the music playing through the giant speaker stops.“What’s he doing?” Mr Kim asks Jungkook.The boxing trainer shrugs his shoulders, “If you don’t know then I’m clueless.”“Sorry to stop the music but... There was a time in my life when I hid my true self and I hid the boy I loved and I hurt us both. Today, I leave that past life where it belongs and I’m here, out and proud and I want the world to know that that man there… is the absolute love of my life and I will never stop showing him how much he means to me… Thank you for giving me one more chance, Kookie.”“Wow!” is all Mr Kim and Su can say. Everyone else is shell shocked and all look towards Jungkook who is crying. People all around them cheer and clap their hands, flags waving and whistles being blown as the music restarts.Tae jumps down as the float starts to move and stands in front of his boyfriend, “I hope they are happy tears?” He says.“Happy doesn’t do it justice, Tae… I love you so much and I am so proud of you.” He doesn’t have the words. He thought that nothing could beat the public display at the boxing fundraiser but this topped it all. It wasn’t just about the show of love in a public manner to prove that they were no longer a secret. It was the confidence that Tae had to finally stand up and be unapologetically who he was, as Jungkook believed he always should have.“Kiss now!” Hana squeals, waving her flag.
“Your Niece has spoken.” Tae says as he leans in and gives Jungkook a kiss that is the start of their forever.