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Pain is something that many people are very accustomed to. Some experience it like it’s the warm but hurtful embrace of an old friend. Others, like Jisung, weren't as friendly with the feeling of pain. Of anguish. Of sorrow. He considered himself lucky. That empty feeling of worthlessness and hurt had never washed over him in a drastic way. He never really had the chance to experience it; always sheltered and loved by his hyungs. He thought that pain was a curious thing, something that he wondered about but never was quite daring enough to reach out and touch.However, like cold rain droplets that chill your warm soul - Jisung’s first taste of pain came as an unwelcome surprise.He loosely recalled that he, Chenle, and Donghyuck had a conversation of the like. Chenle had said it when they spoke of spices. “Spiciness has to do with pain, not taste buds,” he had said. Those words echoed through Jisung’s mind now, where he sat outside of their house on the small section of grass that was their lawn. It was darker than when he first came outside, the stars above him twinkled prettily above him. “I didn’t know that pain could taste so bitter,” he whispered to himself. It was true. That horrible taste in his mouth, it was the pain, wasn’t it? The pain that he had felt watching them fight like that. The anguish of the loud sounds, the tears - it was too much. The worst part about this pain is that it wasn’t even him that was hurt. It was the others. His… friends? What were they after that fight?
“What are you trying to say, Hyuck?” Renjun had asked in annoyance. It was clear he was growing impatient, his temper rising speedily. “I’m saying that I like this! Us!! All of us! But… not as.. not as friends!” The other male spluttered, looking desperate and upset. “You… what?!” Chenle had exasperatedly queried.
The rest of it was just a blur to Jisung. All he knew was that it hurt. Not just to listen to, hearing them all confusedly fight over their feelings was bad enough, but what made it worse to him was how overwhelmed he got over it. His chest became tight when he was there, he was unable to breathe. Like something wrapped itself around his lungs and squeezed. Maybe it was fear. What was he scared of, though? Was he scared of feeling? Was he afraid he’d indulge in the moment and argue? Woefully, he stared down at the grass beneath him. Dark shades of green that are formed around him. He must have been out here for an hour or two; had nobody thought to check on him?He hoisted himself up off of the floor and heaved a long sigh. Really, he ought to go in and see how everybody was doing. Had the argument fizzled out by now? Perhaps. Yet his mind still raced. It was murderous. Jisung didn’t consider himself one for anger but instead, deep pondering and thinking. Forever curious. That murderous mind he was plagued with only dealt in absolute despairs. He couldn't make his brain think brightly. After what had been said, that wasn’t a possibility. His feet carried him down the road. It was an involuntary journey, he acted before he had thought more. He was already halfway down, though, so what was a little more?The neighborhood they lived in was dark, which was to be expected around this time in the evening, with only a few boxes of illumination on each house. Street lamps were few and far between on the path, leaving patches of blackness before him. Typically, this would cause him to turn back, the darkness merely inviting thoughts of nonsensical and fantastical creatures that would jump out at him from the inky depths, either terrorizing him or taking him deep into the night. But, still, Jisung trekked. His mind was fully in thought like an engine that was fully in gear. He just can’t sit still when he’s pondering. The gray hoodie he had pulled on earlier swallows even his body and the hood is pulled all the way up. It flattened the dark mocha of his hair down to his head so that his fringe grazed his lashes; merely flirting with the idea of covering the glittering pools of his eyes.A spot of cold water splashed down on his paleish nose, and he blinked quickly, eyes turning up to the sky above him. The husky white light of the moon was covered by thick clouds that were attempting to precipitate over his head. Even still, he didn’t care. He didn’t care that the rain poured over his barely protected head, wettening his lashes which made the lights from the street lamps look like sparkling stars when he gazed at them. He didn’t care that his shoes were making an unfriendly squelching sound as he stepped onto the soaked grass of the playground. And he didn’t even care that the seat of the swing was coated in a thin layer of water when he sat down - he was soaked from head to toe anyway.He cringed slightly as the old swing groaned when he swung back and forth. This place was showing its age with the rusted metal and scratched-up paint jobs. He remembered a time far away from now when an 11-year-old Donghyuck would push him on this swing. It wouldn't cry out in pain, though. In fact, back then, the swing didn’t make a sound. It was brand new.New things tended to scare Jisung. Because, like most people, he was deeply afraid of the unknown. New things meant uneasiness and cluelessness. Over the years, he had learnt to not be so afraid of things when a 15-year-old Jaemin told him that he, Jeno, Mark, and Donghyuck would always be by his side. And then, the new things at that time - like meeting Renjun and Chenle for the first time - didn’t seem so scary anymore. Even as life started to change, when an 18-year-old Mark graduated high school, he still always felt the comfort of not being alone. Now, though, whilst he sat on the swing of the old park in the pouring rain - he no longer felt that comfort. Because this new thing, this big change, came from his hyungs. His best friends. His… Crushes?Jisung stopped for a moment, blinking both the tears and the rainwater away. When had his best friends become crushes? When had he made this decision in his mind? He swallowed thickly as he attempted to recall.It doesn’t take him long to figure out, actually. He didn’t know when his best friends had become people he wanted to romance. But he did know why.When Chenle’s pranks had changed from annoying to funny and even endearing. When Jaemin’s requirement to take care of him in every capacity possible became less overbearing and more… cute. When Jisung started to notice the little things like how Mark bit his lip when he was concentrating or how Jeno made soft noises just to hear himself speak. How Renjun always petted his hair before he went to bed and how Donghyuck always explained things to him delicately and honestly.Jisung was well aware that the entire room knew what Donghyuck had meant by his words. But now, after really thinking about it, he understood what Donghyuck was talking about entirely. He knew now and he hadn’t even thought about it that much. He could only dread what the others thought. Oh, Lord, would this ruin their friendship? It’d be a big commitment, of course, and communication would have to be absolute. The thought alone terrified and excited him. The fear took hold of him more than the excitement did. He had left the house, so he wasn’t sure how the argument that the others were having ended up. Tears pricked his eyes again, and he sniffled. What if this really would be the end of their friendship?Jisung tried to remind himself that his hyungs are more level-headed than that. The likelihood of everything ending so abruptly, so coldly, had to have been slim, right? He realized quickly, he had nobody around to answer his desperate questions. No familiar face to hug him and tell him that all would be okay. Hell, there wasn’t even a soul around to jeer at him about his flowing tears. He was alone. And sure, it was his choice. But maybe a conflicted Park Jisung shouldn't be allowed to make such choices. Maybe, he shouldn't be allowed such a free will to ponder all of life’s scariest things. Yet, he felt no urge to scold himself because all he could think of were things to be lost. Relationships to be broken.Fleeting memories of a younger him and younger versions of his friends flickered through his mind, and his chest began to tighten. The swing, the games of tag, the hugs, the comforting words. Would all of that be lost? Would it be thrown away like garbage? Shattered like fragile glass? He choked on nothing, maybe on his own breath. An attempt to deeply inhale is made, but he could only wheeze out in defeat. Shallow breaths and choking on tears, it felt as though two blackened snakes had coiled themselves around his lungs. He couldn't breathe at all. Pain shot through his knees as he sank to the ground beneath the swing with a thud. Dizziness plagued his mind. What was happening?
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“...-ung!!”
“...-isung!!”
“Park Jisung!!”
It was easy to notice that he was on the ground when the voice filtered through his panicked mind. Jisung still struggled to breathe, but he managed to notice that rain was no longer lashing against his wet face. His large, coarse hand is pressed up against a dry chest and he picks up on the slow inhales and deep exhales. “Follow my lead,” the voice instructs him. Like an angel’s singing tone, the voice above him slowly guides him through a breathing exercise, and he’s able to calm down significantly. Next, he’s able to register who the angel above him was.From the fluffy brown hair that grazed his lashes and was tucked behind his ear to the pinkness of his lips; it was easy for Jisung to identify Renjun standing over him with a bleak black umbrella that shielded them both from the rain’s harsh attack. “Sungie, I was so scared,” Renjun frowns with his eyebrows furrowed, crouching down to wipe the rainwater and desperate sweat that stuck to his face. “You were gone for ages, we thought you were fine because you were just sitting outside, and then suddenly you disappeared… I thought the worst for a while,” the smaller man pulled Jisung up into a sitting position and hugged him tightly despite the younger being completely soaked. “Don’t ever do that to me again,” Renjun sternly told him. Jisung could only helplessly nod at him. He couldn't find any words, they were lodged in his throat uncomfortably. The older man sighed gently and helped him up to his feet, where he struggled to maintain his balance.He wanted to apologize profusely, tell Renjun what was going through his head, plead his hyung to help him organize his thoughts like he has so many times before - but he can't. And yet, Renjun looked like he understood. His right hand was raised up a bit to hold the ebony umbrella over Jisung’s taller stature. “It’s okay, baby,” he soothed with a little smile, he could clearly see Jisung’s distress. “Since we’re here, how about I tell you what happened after you left?” he offered the younger male, who could only nod or shake his head for an answer. Of course, eager to understand, he nodded. Renjun guided him towards a tree that towered above the rest, one that’s leaves had a better chance at protecting them from the persisting precipitation, and he sat himself down on the ground, placing the umbrella, still open, by his side. He softly tapped the area of grass on his other side with a grin.Silence rang between them, only the sound of the trickling rain filled it. Then, after a moment, Renjun heaved a long, seemingly sad sigh. “It was… Pretty bad for a while,” he began. “Maybe an hour had passed before we had any sort of meaningful conversation?” he speculated with a little frown, one that Jisung realized he desperately wanted to remove from Renjun’s pretty face. Because while the Chinese man was beautiful no matter what expression he held, the picture of a saddened Renjun only made Jisung’s stomach swirl with upset. If he cried, there was no doubt that Jisung would cry too. “It was all just yelling and confusion, Jeno cried a bit too,” Renjun looked distant while he spoke of the argument. His face remained solemn as he continued to talk of Jeno’s tears, Mark’s confusion, and Chenle’s dismissal. “After we all stopped for a second to realize that you had disappeared, we actually started to talk and navigate some feelings,”Renjun’s face became one that held fondness but still sadness. Like he could see a light at the end of the tunnel. “What Hyuck said, it made sense. It’s actually been in the back of my brain for a while. Do you remember last summer when you and I talked about butterflies? You turned to me, and you said, “Hyung, if you were a butterfly, you’d be the prettiest one of them all,” and… my heart fluttered in a way I didn’t think I had ever felt before,” he became breathless, eyes sparkling at the memory - a perfect moment captured through Jisung’s eyes and one that he wished could have been captured through Jaemin’s camera lens. To Jisung, Renjun had always been beautiful. Even when drunk, even when he hadn’t slept at all and it was 3 in the morning, even when he cried. He was always beautiful. But in this moment, as he watched the older male recall a past where they spoke of summer butterflies carelessly fluttering through the cool air under the tree of their childhood-favorite park - Jisung thought that Renjun was prettier than the most flawless flower and even more precious than the rarest jewel. He solidified Donghyuck’s words in his mind; he would be foolish to try and ignore them.He had a crush on Renjun. And not just Renjun. He knew it wasn’t just him.“In that moment,” Renjun’s voice sounded saccharine to him, maybe laced with something flirtatious. “I realized that I was in love with you. And at the time, I thought it was only you. But when Jaemin laughed, when Donghyuck smiled, when Jeno made those stupid little faces to tease me - it suddenly all fell into place. I just… hadn’t cared to recognize it until Donghyuck admitted it earlier,” his face had lit up now, a sense of happiness apparent in his features. His head turned to face Jisung, and he smiled, wide and joyful. Jisung felt the same butterflies he had when he had told Renjun that he was the prettiest, carefully fluttering in his stomach. “You know?” His head tilted in a cute manner, and Jisung smiled back at him, he couldn't help it. “I do, hyung, I do know,”Renjun giddily giggled and laced the fingers of their hands together. “I had a feeling you did, you left after what Chenle said, so I thought that maybe he had struck a nerve,” Jisung just nodded his head in response. Of course, Renjun knew him well enough to guess that. “We still haven’t had the conversation of confession… We didn’t want to have it while you weren’t there. I think that Mark and Chenle are still trying to wrap their heads around it for completely different reasons. What do you think, though? It’d be a lot of work to be together, but I think if we do it right, it can be really wonderful,” he admitted, glancing at Jisung for his input.The younger man blinked for a moment and made a sort of humming noise as he thought. “Yeah,” he replied simply, “but I’m sort of scared…” He added on as he glanced down at the dry patch of grass they were sitting on. Renjun chuckled a little, clearly amused by the response. “You and your commitment issues…” he mused lightheartedly. Jisung shook his head in response “It’s not that! Well… It’s not just that,” he began, his eyes finding Renjun’s warm ones again. The prettiest of honey-like browns that held such a strong sense of warmth and comfort within them like it was nothing; like it was easy. “There are so many places we can go wrong, y’know?” Renjun frowned slightly, the corners of his pretty lips twisting downwards to Jisung’s dismay. “You’re right…” he trailed off, his head tilting slightly to the right as he gazed ahead at the soaked playground equipment before them. “Still, I want to try,” he spoke up again almost immediately. “We should try. Fuck, Ji, we’ve never done anything like this before, so it’s bound to be hard,”Jisung figured that Renjun was right, as he often was, but just couldn't get his mind to stop thinking about all of the negative things that could happen. By now, he would still be walking, perhaps even pacing around in the same spot, while he thought of all the possible problems. But he wasn’t because Renjun was sitting beside him, their fingers laced together like the two ends of a ribbon being wrapped. It appeared that Renjun could tell he was distressed. It wouldn't be too hard, he reminded himself in his thoughts, he was a pretty open book when it came to his hyung. He did like to think that he was okay at being pretty hard to read (even if people like Chenle would argue that it definitely wasn’t true) but when Renjun was in the equation, somehow he just knew. He knew all of Jisung’s troubles.The silence didn’t scream awkwardness at all, especially since Renjun had broken it with a small laugh. “Remember when Donghyuck tried to stand on top of that metal climbing thing?” he asked as he pointed to a worn red climbing unit with four different sides and a shoddy wooden platform on the top of it that was clearly not made to be stood on, especially not a rebellious and hyperactive 15-year-old Donghyuck who had stomped on it so hard that his foot had forced its way through the weak wood and became lodged in place. Jisung smiled fondly at the memory, even if Donghyuck had been wailing at them for help. “Yeah, he wouldn’t stop that fake crying even though he wasn’t hurt,” he chuckled. Renjun joined him in his soft laughter and added, “Not even when Jeno managed to free him by pulling on his ankle… I remember him squealing, “Jeno! My foot’s gonna come off!!” … What an idiot,”As Jisung’s smile widened, he felt his arm raise, and his gaze drifted upwards to meet Renjun’s wide grin - dazzling amongst the dull and gloomy rain clouds and darkened greenery. “Let’s get our minds off of all of this for an hour or so,” he said. Jisung’s eyebrows furrowed, and he pressed his lips together “What about the others?” he queried. Renjun pulled him up off of the ground without answering, giggling when the taller man lost his balance and fell forward. After Jisung had stabilized himself using the other’s narrow shoulders, Renjun plucked the umbrella off of the floor and held it above their heads once more “They know that we’re okay,” he promised with a sincere smile. With no hesitation, Jisung believed him and followed him out of the small park of memories.It was hard not to notice that Renjun and he were still connected by hand, and the older man didn't seem to want to let go. It made his heart beat a bit faster as he thought about what Renjun had told him. Renjun was in love with him. There was a part of him that just couldn’t believe it, but also a part that could. He knew his hyungs, they were the ones who taught him all about loving and what it meant to feel loved. Besides his own parents, his friends were the ones that made him feel like the most loved boy in the world. They cared about the little things, like how he isn’t a fan of loud noises and how he gets emotional and in his head easily. It was hard, at least to him, to differentiate where their friendship began and where something more romantic ended. Because he realized that his relationship with them didn’t have to be tied down to just romance or friendship. All that really mattered was that he had them, but hearing the words leave Renjun’s lips like sweetened honey, hearing how it came to him so easily. It made his heart stutter in such a powerful way.Jisung realized right then and there that he had fallen a lot deeper than he might have thought..He returned to the real world as Renjun suddenly stopped with a happy hum. “Here!” he cheered, clearly having a burst of energy that came from seemingly nowhere. Jisung squinted for a moment, pushing his still-wet bangs out of his eyes before making a confused sound. “The corner store…?” he asked. Apparently, his reaction had been funny to Renjun, who snorted and shook his head in response. “Ji, nowhere else will be open at this time… Let’s just get you that drink you like and some snacks,” he tugged Jisung forward toward the door where they were sheltered by a part of the roof that hung over the front of the building and he closed the umbrella, leaving it in the small box beside the glass door. A bell tinkled softly in the younger man’s ear as they entered the tiny store. The cashier looked a bit older than Renjun but definitely sleep deprived. He sent them both an uninterested glance as he continued to text away on his phone.“You go get your drink, I’ll pick out some snacks,” Renjun whispered into Jisung’s ear as if he was telling a secret that nobody else knew of. In reality, Jisung was aware that it was just the nerves of potentially disrupting the cashier - even if he didn’t look like he was doing anything of interest. They had been to this tiny store only on a handful of occasions, and one of those had been when a very drunk Chenle couldn't stop blabbering and hiccuping to the same cashier. Jisung suspected that was also part of the reason why Renjun whispered to him a moment ago. He ventured to the back of the store pretty easily. It was only a little over ten strides away. The light of the drink’s stand was flickering a little bit, showing signs of being worn and old. Jisung’s eyebrows rose in surprise at how lucky he had been to find the drink he usually liked here. It seemed like it was the last one. It reminded him of the first time he had tried it when he was 18. It was a “baby drink,” according to Chenle, who had been the one to buy it for him. It was obviously bought with the intention of teasing him, as most things Chenle bought for him were. It was almost like a way of flirting with his slightly older friend. Although, now that Jisung thought about it, he wasn’t sure whether Chenle actually teased anybody else besides him…He decided that it was probably best not to think about that for too much longer, lest his cheeks ignited in a rich pink anymore than they already had.The bottle of the drink had a pale yellow and white colour scheme to it, and as he picked it up in his much larger hand, he realized that Chenle was probably right. The bottle was only small, probably made for a kid’s hand to hold. Yet here he was, as an adult, holding it and rolling it between the palms of his hands to cool them down a little bit — considering they had become clammy when he and Renjun had held hands. There wasn’t really any time for him to overthink whether Renjun was upset about his clammy hands or not because he had to return back to the cashier so they could get out of the tiny store as fast as they possibly could. Besides, the odds of Renjun being genuinely grossed out about something like that was… arguably pretty slim. He would probably be joking if he brought it up. Speaking of Renjun, Jisung’s eyes are immediately on his shorter hyung as soon as they both reach the cash register. He smiled a little bit because Renjun’s arms were full of snacks which he knew were for everyone and not just them. He held his hand out after placing his drink in front of the cashier to help the older man.“That’s gonna be 26,700 won,” the cashier informed them both with a dull look in his eyes and Renjun nodded easily, pulling out his wallet to pay. Jisung found it impressive that Renjun had brought his wallet with him because he had just assumed that the older man had come for him and not for anything else. In a silent, awkward manner, the two left the corner store to sit outside of it on the bench that was next to the door. Jisung had suggested that they wait there for the rain to calm down, and Renjun had eagerly agreed. Without a second thought, their hands were interlaced together after Jisung had stuck the straw into his drink and after Renjun had torn a packet of chips open and popped one into his mouth. “I know it’s scary,” the older man began in a hushed tone. “I know that it’s easy to doubt everything because you don’t want to mess up the bond we have,” he continued, his head turning to the side so that he and Jisung could meet eyes. “But, Ji, we already love you. You don’t need to go through anything alone, that’s why we’re here. That’s why we’ve always been here,” his words seem to stick into Jisung’s brain like they were glued there, and his heart warmed. Hearing the reassurance certainly lifted the weight from on top of his lungs. “We should talk,” he replied quietly. “When the rain is softer, we should go home and all talk,” his tone is soft but sure. Renjun smiled at him with all of the love in his eyes.“Whatever you want, Sungie,”
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Walking back home is something that Jisung had never really thought too much about because really, it wasn’t something to warrant that much thought. He typically walked home when he was tired from classes, he typically walked home when all he could think about was lying in bed and sleeping for the next 13 hours. But for some reason, walking back home with Renjun’s hand interlocked with his made his heart sing with happiness. His mood had shifted a direct 180 between now and when he had first departed down the road, which felt like hours ago. In reality, only three and a bit had passed. Even in such a short time frame, Jisung felt like he had conquered the world and was now returning from a fruitful journey. “How long did you sit outside?” Renjun asked him as they followed the path back to the house they stayed in. Jisung simply shrugged in response. “I’m not sure.. maybe an hour? Then I got up and left,”Renjun looked troubled for a moment. “Tell me next time?” it sounded more like a command than a question, but Jisung nodded nonetheless. “You don’t even have to tell me to my face, just text me.. Sung, I was so worried. I know the others were as well, but I think everyone was too caught up in the argument to even realize..” he looked down at his feet as they walked with a frown. “I.. It was scary, Jisung-ah. We’ve never fought like that before. Maybe playfully, but I’ve never been in a room filled with such fear and raw emotion before,” he said, his eyes looking like they were puddled with water. Jisung made a face. That was right, he never even stopped to ask how Renjun was feeling. “I’m sorry, hyung. I know that must have been super hard,” his voice was only a whisper.Renjun’s voice cracked as he laughed and he shook his head, “You don’t need to be sorry about anything,” he replied. Even with a watery tone, the message was still clear and firm. “It’s not your fault that it exploded like this… it’s.. not really anybody’s fault, is it? It was just scary..” he explained, and once again, Jisung felt his heart swell. Renjun was just so level-headed and sweet. He spoke with confidence and logic but also with empathy and care. He understood pain. He had tasted his fair share of pain. Jisung hoped that he could be as logical as Renjun but wondered how much pain he’d have to feel before he was at that point.“You’re right,” he said, “You’re always right,”
Renjun shook his head, and his eyes twinkled with a mixture of mirth and love. “I’m not always right… just most of the time I am,” he leaned up and wrapped his arms around Jisung’s shoulders in a hug before he pressed a soft kiss to the younger boy’s cheek. “Let’s do this…” his eyes were firm even if they still held tears in them, and he smiled. “Let’s go talk to them,”The house that they resided in wasn’t big by any means, but it was big enough to somewhat comfortably house seven young men. It was just a place they were staying in for college purposes. Renjun is the one who opens the door, it was still unlocked, which was a relief considering that neither of the two had a key on them. For some reason, Jisung felt small. It was ironic because he was the tallest among his housemates. Maybe the feeling of fear was dominating him — everything felt bigger than it really ought to have. Like he was a kid again. “Sung-ah, where have you been? We were worried!” Mark was the first to notice them, and it was there where Jisung was brought back to the reality of Jeno helping Renjun shake the rainwater off of the umbrella and the rest of his housemates giving him stares of concern. The oldest male went in for a hug at first but clearly thought better of it seeing as Jisung was soaked from head to toe still. He wasn't dripping as he had been earlier, but he was certainly still, well, damp. “Looking at you compared to Renjun-hyung is funny… how’d you get soaked, but he didn’t?” Chenle snickered lightheartedly, earning a smile from the solemn-looking Jisung. “He’s right, Sungie, maybe you should go shower before we talk about this, ah, mess…”Donghyuck was right, he didn’t feel the freshest, and his hair was covering his eyes to the point where he couldn’t see too well. Maybe showering would be a good idea. He nodded slowly. “Alright, I’ll go… but you’ll-”“Wait for you. Of course we will,” Chenle interrupted him with a grin. Jisung tried not to stare at him in too much of a lovestruck manner. It seemed like nothing had really changed, he thought as he made his way to the one bathroom in their house that had a shower within it, it was like they hadn’t fought at all. Everyone was bickering as they usually would, Donghyuck was still bothering Mark and Renjun as he usually would, Jeno was still staring at Jaemin for longer than he probably should have, and both Chenle and Renjun were deep in a quiet conversation in Mandarin. Although the air didn’t feel tense, it instead reminded him of a typical melody that played through their days and evenings, Jisung knew better. This melody was slightly off-tune, almost foreboding whatever may come later. A shudder coldly caresses Jisung’s spine as he stared at his reflection in the bathroom mirror. “Nervous, are you?” Jaemin’s voice echoed through the quiet room, making Jisung startle. The slightly older man laughed. “Sorry, baby, I just knew you didn’t take a change of clothes with you.. so here~” his smile was pretty, like that of a white flower that resembled innocence and purity. Jaemin popped the folded fabric down onto the small counter above where the spare towels are usually stored, and he hummed. It was a soft pair of pajamas that he was sure that either Donghyuck or Jeno had gotten him for… some reason he can’t quite remember.“I’m nervous too,” he said simply as he approached the boy. Jaemin cupped his hands around Jisung’s face, and tenderly he rubbed his thumbs over the apples of his cheeks that now bloomed rouge in colour like a newly blossomed rose. “But I think that I know one thing for certain,” his voice is light, almost flirtatious, something that the younger man refused to believe for the sake of his own heart, and Jisung locked eyes with Jaemin albeit with a sense of shyness. “What’s that, hyung?” he responded in the same tone. Everything felt slow, like time had stopped in place. Like it was waiting for the same thing that Jisung was. Their noses touch and the youngest man had only just realized how close they were. “I love you,” he sighed out like he was breathing the feeling right into Jisung’s lungs. Then their lips touched.An explosion of feeling captured Jisung as he found himself holding Jaemin’s waist in a way he didn’t think he had ever done before. He had never kissed anybody before in his life. Maybe he had held hands with somebody once or twice in a romantic sense. But never had his lips touched someone else’s. He wasn’t sure whether it was just because it was Jaemin he was kissing or because it was his first kiss in general, but the softness against his lips was almost magical. Jaemin kissed him with tenderness, and almost like a spell, his lips put Jisung’s restless mind at ease. He felt the older man giggle against his lips, and they parted after a short while. “You know when you kiss somebody.. you also have to move your lips..” Jaemin grinned at him mischievously, watching as Jisung spluttered out an apology. “Oh, Jisungie, don’t be so apologetic! It was your first kiss, right? I don’t blame you at all~” again, Jaemin gave him that smile that seemed to solve all of his life problems. The one he couldn’t help but replicate. “Sorry, hyung.. I’ll get better, I promise!” he responded with a sort of coy smile. “At least take me on a date first!”They both laugh for a moment before the elder male pulls Jisung close for a tight hug, clearly not concerned about getting wet like Mark was. “Please don’t do that again… I think I can speak for all of us when I say that I was so worried… I’m sorry,” his attitude had shifted from smiley to serious too quickly. “You don’t have to be sorry… It wasn’t just me that was hurt, right? Let’s just talk about all of this and move on. I have a good feeling, thanks to you and Renjun-hyung,” Jisung replied with a little smile. Jaemin seemed to be satisfied with his answer, and he nodded his head. “Alright… don’t take too long, mkay?”The way that Jaemin held his face made him feel like one of the most precious things on the planet. It was a gentle cup of both of his cheeks with Jaemin’s tender hands and the rub of both of his cheeks with the elder’s thumbs. Somehow, he always knew how to make Jisung feel special, like he was the most loved man on the face of the Earth.With a nod from the younger, Jaemin left the bathroom quietly — once again leaving Jisung alone with his thoughts. This newfound optimism made him feel much better than his earlier breakdown had. Of course. He felt like that went without saying.. er.. thinking. He turned the shower on by the nob and hummed, letting his mind wander while he waited on the water to heat up.It was shocking to him that 2 out of his 7 housemates had already confessed their love to him through a kiss. That number had been 0 just this morning. As he stepped into the shower, after having pulled off his damp-smelling clothes to wash his body, his mind had drifted back to Renjun’s memory of last summer. The butterflies. The same butterflies that they had talked about now fluttered delicately in his stomach, giving him that funny feeling of nervousness that he had been feeling a lot around the others as of late. It suddenly dawned on him that Donghyuck’s outburst of feeling hadn’t really been as strange or abrupt as he had first thought. By the way that Renjun spoke, it also sounded like the older Chinese man felt the same way. If it had been on his mind and on Renjun’s mind as of late… He could assume that it was the same for all of them.His hands carded through his hair which was now soaking with warm water as opposed to the rainwater he had been subjected to as he let his mind go off on a tangent. He had a positive feeling about the talk that was coming, but the nervousness that chills all of the fluttering butterflies in his stomach isn’t hard to miss. The phrase “We need to talk” isn’t a phrase that people typically want to hear. In this case, however, while the phrase wasn’t directly uttered by anybody — it was still understood that it was necessary. And while Jisung had the tendency to overthink pretty much everything, he felt that his optimism outweighed his pessimism in this scenario. He wasn’t deathly afraid of one of his very close friends being disgusted by his feelings anymore; though he’s unsure whether that was because his body was still trying to process Jaemin’s kiss or not. He decided that for once in his life, he should just lean his head back and not think about anything at all. Just enjoy the water that cascades down his once-shivering body.And just like the water from a waterfall, that bitter taste of pain that Jisung had felt was washed away and replaced with giddiness.
🌧️
When he stepped out of the bathroom again, it felt like he was treading on uncharted territory. Like an astronaut who had landed their first few steps on a new planet. Unlike a new planet, though, Jisung will reluctantly brag, the house he has lived in for so long has six eager heads turned in his direction — all smiling and pleased to see him in a state where he isn’t depressingly soaked with rainwater. “I told you he wouldn’t take that long,” Chenle said, as if it were something to brag about or a competition to have won. Someone snorted, Jisung thought that it was Donghyuck considering the pitch of said snort, “This is kind of ominous, isn’t it? We're just all here staring at him?” He laughed a little at the ridiculousness of it. Jisung smiled and shook his head, “It was actually.. ehm.. very cute to have you all look at me like I just made your day better,” He admitted as he went to take a seat beside Mark, who ruffled his hair with a soft giggle. “Well, I’m glad it made you feel good,” he teased with a grin before making a sort of defeated noise. “But let’s not ah.. get distracted?” His voice sounds inquisitive, but it’s more of a statement than a question, to which the others all nod in agreement to.“I know that Renjun-ah and Jaemin-ah have probably already done this, but… Jisungie, we’re so sorry. This whole thing got out of hand,” Mark is the first one to speak, and all attention is on him. Jisung failed to understand why all of them were apologizing to him. Yes, he felt awful about what happened, but they all had feelings too. “You don’t have to apologize to me for not knowing how you feel. Or.. maybe if you were like me and Renjun-hyung then you were already worrying about your feelings before Donghyuck-hyung even brought it up,” his leg bounced nervously as he spoke, and he felt a comforting hand lay on top of his knee. Chenle smiled at him and rubbed his knee with his thumb and suddenly, Jisung didn’t feel so nervous anymore. “Yeah, I think that was the weird part. I had literally had this confusing conversation with Jaemin a few days ago about feelings and stuff…” Jeno began, sitting with his legs crossed on the end of the couch opposite from the one Jisung sat on. “It was kind of crazy that Donghyuck brought it up so recently after we talked,”Donghyuck, who had been surprisingly quiet until now, sheepishly giggled. “It’s not like I was overhearing conversations or anything! You're making all of this sound so accusatory!” He tried to lighten the mood with a joke and it had earned him a few chuckles and breathy laughs. The mood wasn't tense, but Jisung wouldn’t necessarily call it comfortable either. He could tell that a few of them, namely Chenle and Mark, were still a bit nervous by all of it. “I was just… tired.. y’know? Of the maybes, of the touches that felt more.. intimate than just a friendly touch.. like who the heck back hugs someone for the entire time that they’re cooking…?!” Donghyuck’s eyes drifted to Jeno for that last part, he was clearly targeting the words at him with a raised brow. All Jeno did in response was giggle. “You’re a very huggable guy,” he said as if it were the most casual thing in the world, shrugging his shoulders a little as the words left his mouth.Chenle, who was also usually one of the chattiest among them, squeezes Jisung’s leg a bit harder than he had previously. Jisung’s gaze turned to Chenle’s handsome face, and he could see the slightly older man’s pinkish bottom lip caught between his teeth. He was clearly deep in thought, so Jisung did what any normal person would do with one of their crushes and flicked his forehead. “What’s up?” he asked, head tilted to the side. The room’s attention was on Chenle, and a very unusual scenario played out before them. The youngest Chinese man blushed, his pale cheeks quickly became pink as he noticed that all eyes were on him. “I-I just… I just wanted…” His words initially came out as a stammer before it became evident that his eyes were glassy. “I just wanted to.. clarify.. we all… Like each other? Like that?” He sniffled and if it didn’t cause a subtle pain in Jisung’s heart, he may have even called Chenle cute for getting emotional. He wasn’t typically one for crying. The youngest raises his eyes to look at each man in the room who all gave their affirmative answers. This was real. They all liked each other.Chenle cried. Jisung didn’t think that there were many instances in his life where he had witnessed Chenle cry. As he said before, Chenle wasn’t typically one to shed tears, even at the saddest of times. He and his best-friend-crush were total opposites in that regard. Renjun was the first one to jump into action, even if Jisung was sitting right beside the crying boy. Renjun was quick to pull Chenle into a big hug and to pet his hair tenderly. Quiet murmurs filled the room as the second youngest let the tears roll down his pretty reddened cheeks in Renjun’s arms; the boy who he wept in front of rubbed his back soothingly. As the one who seemed the most confused and distressed by the argument, Jisung supposed that Chenle did have a pretty big reason to cry.He ran his hand through Chenle’s hair in what he hoped was a manner that soothed the crying man. He choked on a sniffle and whispered, “I’m so relieved,” which it appeared that only he, Renjun, and Mark had heard. It caused Renjun to smile a little bit, and he pressed a kiss to Chenle’s hair, a term of affection that wasn’t so foreign for the two Chinese men. “He’s relieved,” Mark translated for the three men still sitting on the opposite couch, and all three of them released a collective sigh. “I was worried that he had gotten upset for a second there..” Jeno mumbled with a little pout. Jisung leaned his head against Mark’s shoulder, watching fondly as Renjun soothed Chenle and as Donghyuck took the liberty to lay all over Jeno and Jaemin. “So… What do we do?” He asked. Which had been a point he had yet to think about. Where did they go from here? They finally let out their feelings. They seemed to be comfortable with the idea of love — but now what?Silence passed over them, and for the first time in the evening, Jisung felt that it was a calm silence. One that they would usually have on a tired evening where nobody felt like talking that much, but it was okay because everyone else felt the same kind of way. Donghyuck hummed, his face squished against Jeno’s knee as said man threaded his fingers through his hair. “Do we have to do anything? I feel like we could just… Carry on and see how it goes…” He smiled a little, and Mark nodded in agreement. “That sounds good. Let’s just let things happen, I think it’d be nice to just take it slow and explore. It’s a big and overwhelming commitment to just jump into a relationship in my opinion,” he said, smiling as he’s met with nods and sounds of agreement. “It’s settled then… More kisses for everyone~” Jaemin grinned mischievously. Typically that would have Jisung groaning and whining, but now, he didn’t feel as bothered. If anything he was excited.“Damn, it’s late,” Jeno said as he looked up at the clock that was fixed on the wall. “We really did all this only to hug and kiss at the end?” He joked. Chenle, who had calmed down since crying, laughed a little bit at the comment and he sniffed. “Let's just get ready to sleep then?” He suggested in a small voice, clearly not wanting his voice to crack, so he kept his tone quiet. Again, it was very unusual for Chenle — the one who typically talked everyone’s ears off — to be speaking so quietly, but Jisung found it cute. He voiced this opinion which one could argue was out of character for him as well. Chenle blushed and giggled. “I think I’m about ready to sleep now, yeah,” Donghyuck yawned and interrupted their little moment with a laidback grin, easily teasing them by interrupting. Mark stretched his arms over his head and he patted Jisung’s head gently as he stood up. They all slowly made their way out of the lounge to go and do their various nightly routines, with Renjun and Chenle being the last to leave since the latter was still in the former’s arms. Now that a weight felt like it had been lifted off of his shoulders, Jisung finally smiled to himself. Everything seemed right once again. Right, but different, that is.The word ‘different’ usually implies a change; and change sucks! But this was a welcome difference. Having Jeno hug him from behind while he was brushing his teeth and having Renjun scratch his scalp in a gentle manner whilst the elder male talked with Mark about one thing or another were very welcome changes in Jisung’s opinion. It was a domesticity that he didn’t quite expect, which was silly in retrospect because of course having romantic feelings would introduce this type of behavior — that seemed obvious. Just over two hours ago, Jisung had been panicking and wheezing over the idea of losing those who he cared about forever. Now he thought back on that, as he laid with his head in Renjun’s lap on Chenle’s bed, he did realize how ridiculous it all was. If he was saying this epiphany out loud, Renjun would probably slap him (lightly, of course!) on the arm for not being kinder to himself. He supposed Renjun would be right in this scenario, though, considering he was panicking about his feelings.“What’s the baby thinking about?~” Jaemin’s gentle voice cut through the wandering journeys of Jisung’s brain and he hummed. Laughing, Jaemin repeated the question and Jisung cringed a bit. The slightly older boy always called him “baby” and he would be a liar if he said that he didn’t enjoy the nickname and being cooed at. He pretended to cringe because he knew he would never hear the end of it from Donghyuck and Chenle if he didn’t. “Hyung~” he whined “I wasn’t thinking about anything!” he tried to reason. Chenle, who had now recovered from his tears earlier, snorted from where he curled up in the center of the bed. “It’s probably nothing if he’s not pacing around with his eyebrows squeezed together!” He joked, making the boys snicker and Jisung huff. “Don’t tease him, the baby had an eventful evening~” Jaemin crooned sweetly as he rubbed Jisung’s back by poking his hand underneath the hoodie he wore.“I think we all had a pretty eventful evening, huh?” Mark smiled a little. Jisung didn’t know whether he had been ignorant this whole time or whether he was just blind because when he looked up, he saw just how cute Mark looked in just a baggy white t-shirt and shorts. How had he never noticed this before? The eldest’s calm smile while his glasses (which Donghyuck never failed to point out they had matching pairs) sat on the bridge of his nose. He looked comfy. Jisung raised himself from Renjun’s lap, his whole self being distracted from the banter in the room, and he leaned forward to kiss Mark’s cheek. The youngest didn’t realize that the room had fallen silent with all eyes on them, he could only focus on the way Mark turned to face him — capturing his lips in a gentle and lazy kiss. Jisung wouldn’t call Mark a sweet kisser like Jaemin was, but the oldest male certainly put a lot of his feelings into just one kiss even if it was more like a lazy few pecks. He pulled away after a few moments and Jisung’s ears were filled with pleased sighs and a “Wow, that was.. nice..” from Donghyuck.“Love changed Jisungie…” Chenle giggled. “He’s way more confident now… oh wait… nevermind,” he laughed a little harder as they all witnessed the youngest’s face hide against Renjun’s legs. More mindless chatter built up around them as they all finally settled down. Jeno had returned from his shower to flop on the bed with a pleased hum as Chenle played with the hair at the back of his neck. Since everybody seemed distracted, Renjun smiled down at the boy who still rested his head in his lap. “D’you feel better?” he asked warmly. Without missing a beat, Jisung nodded up to him. “Yeah, a lot better… All of this really lifted the weight off of my shoulders,” he hummed. “Oh, I meant if the kiss with Mark made you feel better,” he giggled at Jisung’s unimpressed look. “Kidding! I’m glad you feel better, baobei,” he leaned down to kiss Jisung’s temple with all of the love in the world. The boy melted further into Renjun’s lap immediately. “Damn, just from a kiss? So easy…”
Renjun laughed as Jisung whined at him again, as he would many times for the rest of the evening.When the lights are finally out, they’re all squeezed together under the covers of Chenle’s bed; some of them nearly lying on top of each other while others clung onto the boy next to them. Jisung stared up at the blank ceiling, his eyelids only slightly parted. He was on the verge of sleeping, but he wasn’t entirely sure what was keeping him up. It could be the uncertainty of the future (With his… Housemates? Boyfriends? Boyfriends seemed more appropriate now even if they weren’t officially together.) or it could be Jaemin sleep-murmuring, it was tricky to say. Although, Jaemin having a quiet conversation with himself about who was the cutest person of all was admittedly a little distracting… And adorable. He turned his head to the side and saw that Chenle, who was laying beside him, was staring at him like he had strung the stars in the very sky. With a tired grin, he gently whispered, “Are you having trouble sleeping, baby?”Jisung nodded his head and he nuzzled his face into Chenle’s neck as the Chinese male quietly cooed at him. “It’s okay, he’ll stop mumbling to himself soon,” he said with a comforting hum, kissing Jisung’s neck lightly before trying his best to fall back to sleep. Seeing how peaceful all of his hyungs looked made Jisung smile widely. Wider than he thought that he had ever smiled before. If they weren’t worried, then why should he be? If they were all content and at peace with the way things were now, then why wouldn’t he be?Jisung’s first taste of pain had been unwelcome and sudden, like being in an empty swimming pool that was suddenly filled with ice water. But Jisung didn’t realize when the taste first disgraced his tongue as well as his whole body that it would lead to nervousness bubbling in his stomach. Like butterflies that wisp and flutter through the warm summer breeze.He inhaled Chenle’s scent softly and made the quietest of hums. Those butterflies in his stomach no longer represented his nerves, but his excitement. With the memory of his compliments to Renjun last summer and the butterflies that surrounded him, Jisung drifted into a peaceful slumber like the rest of the others.Outside of the window, a little blue insect took flight from its resting place on the white window ledge and journeyed into the depths of the night. It doesn’t have to fear the darkness, because it will carry on fluttering until its death; it will see tomorrows that are even brighter than today.It will always be dreaming.