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“Got someone to introduce you to!” Chris yelled in his ear. “My friend from Texas and his buddy have been thinking about moving out of the college dorms, they need a place to stay.”  “Why are you friends with someone still in college?” Jensen yelled back over the music, shifting his attention from the girl he was flirting with.  “Family friend!” He replied. “Come on, Steve and I have got room for Chad, but you’re still looking for a roommate, so his friend can stay with you.”  “Hell, no!” Jensen exclaimed, rearing back. “I don’t need a bratty 18 year old living with me.”  “22,” he corrected. “They’re in their senior year. And you’ll like the kid, trust me. I’ve met him.”  Jensen groaned, but downed his shot before following Chris to the booth. There was a scrawny blond sitting there, with a squinty look that immediately spelled trouble.  “Jensen, this is Chad,” Steve introduced from beside the guy.  “Chad Michael Murray,” the blond announced, almost pompous.  Jensen shook his hand, trying not to appear weirded out by the intense scrutiny. “Jensen Ackles.”  “Hey, where’s Jay?” Chris asked.  Chad shrugged. “Bathroom, dance floor, back alley- relax, he’s a big boy.”  “Yeah, but it’s my ass on the line if I don’t keep an eye on you both."  Jensen sighed. “So, your friend, Jay - he good for a roommate?”  “Sweats a lot, gym freak who gets up at the ass-crack of dawn, permanently energized puppy,” Chad listed off. “If those things don’t bother you, you’re golden. Most responsible young adult I have ever seen.”  Well, that didn’t sound too bad, Jensen reasoned- as much as he could while halfway to drunk. If Chad wasn’t just full of crap and was telling the truth, it might actually be nice to have someone to live with. Provided, of course, that the two of them would actually get along somewhat.  Jensen shook his head. “Give him my number later,” he told Chris. “Tell the kid to call me.”  “Will do,” Chris agreed. “You goin’ home already?”  “No, just gonna get some air.” Jensen made his way to the back entrance. He had to navigate through the dance floor, trying to move past the writhing crowd, when someone bumped into him. He stumbled, reaching out blindly to brace against whoever he’d collided with.  “Sorry!” A slightly high pitched voice exclaimed, strong hands grabbing his arms at the same time. “I’m sorry, I didn't see you.”  “No kidding,” Jensen replied, blinking up at the man- boy, really. “Are you even allowed to be here, kid?”  The boy looked offended. “None of your business. I’m of age.”  “But not to drink, I bet,” Jensen countered.  The kid rolled his eyes. “I am, actually.” His eyes slid to something behind Jensen, and he groaned. “Would you mind if I stick to you for a minute? My friend is being an ass and I don’t want to deal with him right now.”  Jensen’s first instinct was to refuse, but the boy glanced back at him, his eyes slightly wide and pleading. Jensen had never been good at resisting his little sister’s puppy eyes and this kid had it down to an art form. “Fine,” he muttered. “Come on, I was stepping outside for a moment.”  “Sure,” the kid agreed easily. “I’m Jared, by the way.”  “Jensen.”  A small frown passed over Jared’s face, then it was gone. “Lead the way.”  Jensen rolled his eyes, but resumed walking, relieved when they managed to get out. The cold night air felt almost heavenly. He leaned against the brick wall, lighting a cigarette deftly.  “Don’t look like a smoker,” Jared observed.  He didn’t give more than a hum in reply, but when nothing more was forthcoming, he glanced at the kid. Out of the harsh fluorescent lighting of the club, Jensen was pleasantly surprised to find that Jared was a good-looking guy. Give it a few years and he’d be pretty damn hot.  Jared grew wary at his scrutiny. “What?” He asked.  Jensen shrugged. “Just thinking that you’re kinda cute for ‘someone of age’, as you said.”  Annoyance and shyness flashed over Jared’s face together. “I’m 22. Definitely of age. Like… Not a kid. And if I’m cute, then you’re… Pretty. Like, really beautiful.” He paused. “I didn’t mean for that to sound like… Like that.”  Jensen gave him an amused smile. “You’re drunk, aren’t you?” He questioned knowingly.  “So are you,” Jared accused, poking Jensen’s chest. Except his hand didn’t leave, palm flattening over Jensen’s heart, showing off a small tattoo halfway up his arm- it looked like an infinity sign, stark black against tanned skin. Jensen could feel Jared’s heat seeping through his t-shirt, a contrast to the cool night.  Well. He had come out with the intent of getting laid.  “C’mere,” he muttered, reeling Jared in by the wrist.  Jared came easily, his other hand clutching at Jensen’s arm. He had to lean up a bit- the guy was seriously tall- to press his lips to Jared’s in a kiss. He could taste tequila, but also something sweet, sugary. It was addictive, or maybe that was the soft hum that Jared gave, and Jensen licked into his mouth eagerly, hungrily, sliding an arm around his waist to pull him in more.  “I don’t… Usually… Do this,” Jared murmured into the kiss, barely breaking away to get the words out.  “What?” Jensen asked. “Make out with strangers in a back alley?”  He could nearly feel the heat from Jared’s blush. “Yeah.”  “Well, I do,” Jensen replied with a slight chuckle. “So quit worrying- you’re only hooking up, not getting married.”  “Whatever,” Jared laughed, an eye-roll audible in his voice. He leaned in this time and Jensen was happy to oblige.  “My apartment’s only five minutes away,” he whispered. “You wanna-?”  “Yeah.” Jared nodded, forehead pressed to his, breaths gone sharp and hot against Jensen’s cheek. “Yeah, I do.”

Jared woke to an arm slung over his waist and a mildly familiar face only inches from his. Jensen. Right.  He reached down slowly, carefully lifting Jensen’s arm away. It took some effort- the man seemed reluctant to let go even in his sleep. Eventually, he got free and he sat up, looking around at the room. It was definitely new, not fully furnished yet, just the bed, a closet, and a nightstand.  He glanced back at Jensen’s sleeping form. Even in the morning light, he was undeniably gorgeous, with a square jaw and slight stubble that somehow worked with his too-long lashes and the feminine set of his mouth. Pale skin dotted with freckles everywhere, but otherwise unmarred.  The absence of any tattoos was a contrast to Jared’s three- all of which had turned black long ago.

Jared got up from the bed quietly, reaching for the clothes he’d had stripped off himself the night before. Retrieving his phone, he found two missed calls from Chad and a message that read: you better be getting laid if you’re ignoring my calls.   He sighed, replied with a thumbs-up, and eyed the bathroom. Jensen hadn’t struck him as the kind of guy who would want his one-night-stand hanging around longer than the sleeping hours, but Jared needed a shower. Reaching out, he gently shook Jensen’s sleeping form.  “Hey,” he whispered. “Jensen, listen to me.”  The man groaned pitifully, stirring, then immediately tried to hide his face in the pillow.  “Jensen, I’m gonna use your shower, okay?” Jared went on in a gentle, coaxing voice. “Then I’ll be out of here.”  There was a grunt, then a mumble that sounded vaguely like “Towels are in the closet.”  Jared patted his arm in thanks for the considerable effort it seemed to take him to speak and slipped into the bathroom, wincing slightly. Chad was going to be a menace asking for the details, he thought glumly.  When he came back out, in last night’s clothes but feeling somewhat fresh, Jensen was slightly more awake. He squinted at Jared. “Your phone rang.”  “Did you see who it was?” Jared asked, noting the thick Texan accent that was audible through the slurred words.  “Chad.” He frowned. “Wouldn’t happen to be ‘Michael Murray’, would it?”  “Uh, yeah. Actually.” Jared mimicked the frown. “Why, you know him?”  “Shit,” Jensen muttered. “You’re Jay?”  Jared blinked at him, raising an eyebrow.  “Chris introduced him to me,” he explained. “Said his friend Jay’s looking for a place to live.”  Realization dawned. “You’re Chris Kane’s friend?”  “Unfortunately.” He sighed, rubbing his eyes and looking like he wanted nothing more than to go back to sleep. “Come on. I need coffee, then we can talk.”  Jared followed without comment, fighting the urge to slap himself. This was why he didn’t do random hookups, even in high school when everyone around him had supposedly been getting it on 24/7. The one time he did, it ended up being with the guy he was supposed to share an apartment with. Fucking brilliant. Jensen made a beeline for the coffee maker. Jared watched as he made a cup for each of them, a little color slowly returning to his pale face when he breathed in the scent. They drank in silence, neither of them even looking at each other.  When they were finished, Jensen cleared his throat, looking much more awake. “Alright. Now what?”  “Uh…?”  “I told Chris I was cool with you being here,” Jensen explained. “Which, I guess I still am.”  “Okay.” He nodded. “Thanks? So…”  “So, last night doesn’t have to be a… Thing. Problem.” He shrugged. “Right?”  “Right,” Jared agreed quickly. “One-time thing, obviously.”  Jensen nodded. “Do we need ground rules?”  Jared started to say ‘no’, then paused. “Are you in the habit of bringing people back home? Because, if ‘yes’, then I’d like at least prior warning, so I can get out of the house. Otherwise, I’ll never get any studying done.”  “Deal,” Jensen affirmed. “Same goes for you. If you do, ever, you know…”  “Anything else?”  “Chad told me you’re an early riser,” Jensen recalled. “For the love of all that’s holy, if you’re gonna get up with the sun, don’t wake me up too, or I will throttle you.”  Jared chuckled. “Yeah, alright, I’ll keep that in mind…” He considered. “Fair warning, I can’t cook.”  “I get home from work early in the evening most times,” he said. “I’ll do that, but clean-up is your job.”  “Deal,” Jared repeated. Then he grinned. “We’re gonna be best friends.”  His new roommate snorted. “Sure, buddy.”

Living with Jared was surprisingly easy, Jensen found out soon enough. For all that he was an early riser, he always had a fresh cup of coffee ready for whenever Jensen woke- just the way he liked it too, dark and bitter with none of the sugary sweetness Jared apparently loved. And that was just the cherry on top of a delicious sundae that consisted of several other qualities, all of different flavors, but equally appreciable.  Or something.   Whatever. Jensen had just woken up, his metaphors were a little off.  “What?” Jared asked in amusement, catching him staring.  “I love you,” Jensen said seriously.  His brow furrowed over the top of the textbook. “Are you talking to me or the coffee?” There was an odd strain to his voice, like his throat was raw.  “Can’t it be both?” Jensen whined.  Jared snorted, looking back at his book. “I need commitment, Ackles. None of this two-timing bullshit, you understand?” His words petered off into a cough.  “Tough bargain,” he mused. “I think I’ll take the coffee.”  “What happens when you finish that cup?”  “I come crawling back to you, my savior,” Jensen replied solemnly.  Jared’s laugh was quiet. “Alright, get out of here, go to work. I’ve got an exam in around three hours and I really need to revise this.” Another small cough, followed by a sniffle.  Jensen frowned. “You coming down with something?”  “I’m fine,” Jared dismissed. “Might be a little sore throat, but it’ll clear up in a bit.”  “If you’re sure…” Jensen shook his head. “Good luck and drink some tea,” he instructed, heading to the shower. “See you tonight. I’ll be going out though, so you could order take out?”  “Sure, yeah. See ya.” Jared waved him off, already absorbed in his book.  At work, Jensen was accosted by Alona. “We still on for tonight?”  Alona and Jensen had the most perfect friends-with-benefits situation ever. Neither of them got each other, at all. They were much too alike, in the sense that any conversation longer than five minutes ended with them wanting to tear each other’s throats out. How that led to angry sex the first time, neither of them had any idea.  But it was a good arrangement- Alona would never have any tattoos and Jensen didn’t particularly want any- it worked.  “Sure, yeah,” Jensen replied. “I’ll come over to your place before dinner.”  “Good.” She nodded, already walking away. “Gamble wants you working with Smith today.”  “Will do, thanks for letting me know.”  Jared had told him that he and Chad had a tradition of celebrating the end of exams week by going out and getting drunk. So when Jensen came home and found the house seemingly empty and silent, he thought nothing of it, heading towards the kitchen.  Except that’s where Jared was, sitting at the table with a tub of ice-cream and looking miserable.  “Woah,” Jensen muttered. “What’s wrong?”  Jared looked up at him with tired eyes. “The paper was horrible,” he mumbled. “And I think I’m sick.”  “And yet you’re eating ice-cream,” Jensen commented dryly, pulling the carton away from him. “Need meds?”  “Got ‘em,” he sighed.  Jensen sat beside him. “So what happened in the paper?”  Jared blinked at him lazily. “Turns out, when I study through a bad cold, my brain actually refuses to retain anything. Especially if the subject isn’t one I like.”  “Well, everyone’s got a subject they suck at,” Jensen reasoned. “Besides, I’ve seen your test scores- one bad paper is barely gonna make a dent.”  Jared groaned, dropping his head onto his folded arms. Jensen couldn’t help a small chuckle. “Listen, why don’t you get to bed? I’ll make some soup for you tomorrow.”  “Not tired,” he muttered.  “Well, you need rest either way.” He stood, hauling Jared to his feet.  “Can we stay up for a little bit?” Jared asked in a sigh. It was kind of adorable, in a childishly pathetic way.  Jensen rolled his eyes. “Fine. You take your meds and we’ll watch TV for a while.”  Jared grumbled his assent, sniffling as he went to the bathroom to grab his pills.  Jensen settled into the armchair, leaving the couch for Jared. His phone rang with a text and he glanced at it disinterestedly, more focused on finding something good on TV. Alona’s name on the screen made him pause. You coming over?   Jared ambled back into the room, swaddled with a blanket. He flopped down on the couch, yawning. “ Oh, cool, Love, Actually. Good choice.”  Jensen typed back without much thought. Jared’s sick. Sorry. Rain check? He tossed the phone aside without waiting for an answer, rolling his eyes fondly as Jared giggled at the TV screen through a stuffy nose.

“Dude,” Jared said three days later, trying to convey more sympathy and guilt instead of amusement. “I think you’re sick.”  “I am not!” Jensen growled- it wasn’t very effective when broken up by loud coughs.  “And if I am… It’s your fault!”  “I said I’m sorry!” He defended, holding back a laugh. He didn’t think Jensen would appreciate humor right now.  Jensen groaned, looking down miserably at his bowl of soup. “I was supposed to be meeting Al tonight.”  “Sorry,” he said again. “Want me to call her up and cancel for you?”  He gave him a baleful look. “Maybe I’ll feel better by evening?”  “Not enough to get laid,” Jared snorted, regretting it immediately when Jensen’s eyes narrowed into a glare. “Sorry, not making fun, I promise.”  Whatever retort Jensen was going to come up with was interrupted by a sneeze. Jared bit the inside of his cheek.  “How about you go and lay down?” He suggested kindly. “And I cancel on Alona for you.”  “Fine,” he groused, standing slowly. “For the record, I hate you.”  “Sure you do.” He took Jensen’s phone, dialing Alona’s number.
  “Hey, Jensen.”
  “Uh, no, it’s Jared, actually,” he corrected.
  “Oh. Hi, what’s up?”
  “Jensen’s really sick today,” Jared explained in an apologetic tone. “He won’t be able to make it to your date.”  There was a short pause. “He’s sick now?” She asked, sounding vaguely amused.  “Yeah,” he confirmed. “Must have gotten it from me. I had the same thing just a couple days ago.  Alona hummed. “Yeah, he said so when he canceled the first time.”   Jared frowned. “The first time?”   “When you were sick,” she elaborated. “We were supposed to meet that evening, but he texted me that he was staying back to look after you.”   Jared fell quiet, something in his chest warming slightly. As much as he liked Jensen- his prickly way of caring, his dorkishness and his secretive fond smile- he hadn’t somehow expected to hear that Jensen might actually think of him as a friend too.  But he’d canceled on a date to stay with Jared when he was sick; for Jensen, that spoke volumes, considering he was horribly obsessive about sticking to plans and schedules.
  “Jared?”
  He shook himself. “Yeah, I’m still here. Uh, anyway, yeah, he says he’s sorry, he’ll make it up to you later.”   “Tell him not to worry about it,” she assured. “And please, make sure the idiot actually takes care of himself.”   “Don’t worry, I’m here for that,” he laughed.  He ended the call and hesitated there for a few moments, staring at nothing, before making his way to Jensen’s bedroom. “Hey.” He knocked on the open door.

Jensen looked up at him with droopy eyes. “Yes, jerk-who-got-me-ill?”  “You mean hero-who-skipped-class-to-look-after-you,” Jared pointed out. “Can I come in?”  He got a grunt in response and stepped in, sitting on the edge of the bed. “So, Alona said to keep you cuffed to the bed and shove nutrients down your throat.”  Jensen gave him a skeptical look.  “Alright,” he conceded. “Not in so many words, but the sentiment was there.”  “Fuck you. And her.”  Jared chuckled. “Alright, you clearly need stimulation, so-”  “That sounds wrong.”  “Get your mind out of the gutter,” he shot back without missing a beat. “You want me to get your laptop? Maybe Netflix something?”  Jensen stared up at the ceiling for a long moment, then nodded. “Okay. That sounds bearable.”  “Wow. ‘Bearable’, he says,” Jared mocked, but got up, getting Jensen’s laptop from the living room.  “The company could be less snarky,” Jensen called back, as loud as he could without straining himself.

Note to self: Chad and Chris should never be allowed to spend more than five minutes together. Everyone would end up drunk, in jail, or both.  Jensen stared at their joint group of friends from the kitchen doorway, all of them passed out in various positions. He idly scanned the room for Jared, then belatedly remembered his mom had called in the middle of Sandy’s impromptu karaoke and he’d slipped out to the hallway to talk to her.  Only Alona was awake right now, tipsy rather than trashed, and Jensen turned his attention away from the living room. “Hey.”  “Hey.” She ran a hand through her hair. “Quite the party.”  He snorted. “Tell me about it. Thanks for hosting.”  “So, how was your weekend, being coddled through your cold?” She teased.  “Shuddup,” Jensen laughed. “It was fine. Nice to have someone waiting on me, hand and foot.”  “He was just returning the favor,” she said. “From what I was told, you did the same thing for him.”  He rolled his eyes at her odd expression. “So?”  “So…” She studied his face. “In all the years I’ve known you, you’ve never been so…”  Jensen frowned. “So what?”  “I don’t know.” She shook her head. “I can’t find the word for it. You’re just different with him.”  “I am not,” he said, petulant.  “It took you a whole year to warm up to Chris and Steve,” Alona said flatly. “You still don’t open up to me all the way after all this time- which is fine, I don’t think I could stand to talk to you for more than five minutes at a time- and you’ve known Chad for as long as you've known Jared, but you’re only cordial with him. Whereas, with Jared…”  “Alright, stop, stop!” Jensen waved his hand, trying not to raise his voice. “S’not that big a deal. I do not take that long to make friends-”  “Yes, you do.”  “-and even if I do,” Jensen continued. “Jared is just… Hard not to like.”  “So you like him?” Alona’s voice took on a teasing tone. “Like… Like like him?”  Jensen made a face, something like annoyance flaring up in his chest. “God, what is this, middle school?”  “You like Jared!” She sang, giggling- a sound she’d never make without copious amounts of alcohol.  “Okay, five minutes are up,” he said firmly, pushing off the wall, swaying a little. “I physically cannot speak to you anymore, you’re right. Bye.”  “Sure you don’t wanna crash here?” She offered.  “Nah, thanks. Jay hasn’t drunk all night, he’ll drive us home.”  “Aww, so it’s ‘Jay’ now-”  “Shut it, Tal.”  He found Jared outside, saying his goodbyes to his mom. Jensen bit back a smile- it was sweet how attached Jared was to his mother.  “Ready to go home?” He asked.  Jared nodded. “You okay? You don’t look too steady on your feet there.”  “I’m fine,” he scoffed, heading for the stairs- the elevators of this building never seemed to work- and immediately faltered on the first step.  There was a momentary swooping sensation in his stomach, then a strong arm wrapped around his middle. “Easy, there.”  Jensen exhaled heavily through his mouth, leaning against his chest. “Alright, I’m drunker than I expected.”  “Ya think?” Jared’s accent seemed a bit thicker tonight. “Come on, let’s get you home.”  Jensen handed him his car keys. “You sure you can drive?”  “Yes, Jensen, I can drive,” he answered patiently, slinging an arm around Jensen’s waist to guide him down the stairs.  Jensen clutched back, just to make sure he didn’t trip and break his neck. That would be a terrible way to go- dying because he was too drunk to walk straight. And anyway, Jared was a touchy-feely guy. He was always in Jensen’s space, head on his shoulders or feet on his lap, sometimes slumped entirely against his side.  Jensen had been less than fond of it in the beginning, then begrudgingly accepting. But now, he was happy to lean into it.  They slowly made their way down three flights of stairs. In the open air, he shivered a little, before shuffling closer to Jared. “You’re warm.”  “So I’ve been told.”  “Like a fucking space heater.”  Jared’s laugh tickled his ear and he turned slightly, blinking in surprise to find him so close. So instead, he looked down at the arm holding him. “Where’s this from?” He asked, frowning and poking at the tattoo on Jared’s forearm- it wasn’t an infinity symbol like he’d first thought, but a ribbon tied into a perfect bow.  Jared shrugged. “I was eleven. Hadn’t figured out what I liked and thought the girl who was top of my class was the most amazing person in the world.” He glanced at the tattoo, seeming amused. “It used to be pink. Before I kissed Chad and realized I was into guys.”  Jensen quite liked that the tattoo was just a reminder of a silly, childish crush, nothing more. He wrinkled his nose though. “You kissed Chad? I thought you had better standards than that.”  “Shut up,” he laughed. “It was some birthday party, we were all being stupid and playing spin-the-bottle with a soda can.”  “Still.” Jensen thought about Jared kissing other people, and his stomach roiled a little. “What about the other two?”  Jared looked down at his clothed form. “The clover is from when I turned 18. First real relationship I had that lasted at least a year. The snake is from two years before that, from one of my brother’s pre-med classmates- a stupid crush that got out of hand, didn’t end well.”  “What happened?”  He shrugged. “He neglected to tell me that he was going out of state for med school. Strung me along all summer before up and disappearing one day.”  “That’s… Really sucky,” Jensen stated bluntly. “Sorry.” He paused. “And you’re still not a bitter cynic? After three tattoos?”  “No, I’m not,” Jared laughed, and tipped his head down at Jensen. “How come you are even with none?”  Jensen blinked. “I don’t know. Product of witnessing my parents’ marriage fall apart? Plus… I just never really felt that way about anyone.”  “Maybe you never let anyone stick around long enough.”  “Maybe,” Jensen agreed slowly and peered up at Jared for a moment. “Alona thinks I like you.”  Jared’s eyebrows went up. “I should hope you do. We share an apartment.”  “She thinks I like like you!” He complained.  “What is this, middle school?”  “That’s what I said!” Jensen exclaimed, pushing away a little to emphasize his point. He ended up stumbling and Jared caught him again. Jensen pouted, displeased with his lack of balance. When he looked again, Jared had a quizzical look on his face. “What?”  “Do you?” Jared asked softly, head tipping to the side. “Like me?”  He blinked. “We… Share an apartment.”  For a long moment, they stared at each other. Then Jared gave a small, breathy laugh that Jensen could feel on his lips. His eyes fell closed, tilting into the warmth. Jared kept him firmly upright.  “Drunk,” he said, like it was a reminder. “Let’s go home.”  “Yeah,” Jensen breathed out, feeling oddly light. “Home.”

Jared had a bad habit of dwelling on things that he shouldn’t dwell on. In this instance, it was the way Jensen had practically swayed into him, eyes half-lidded and fixed on Jared’s lips, on the words “Alona thinks I like like you.”  It was, as had been aptly put three nights ago, very middle school of him.  “Hey, Sasquatch!” Chad clicked his fingers in front of Jared’s nose. “You’re supposed to be studying with us, not daydreaming about your hot roommate.”  Sandy and Katie perked up immediately. “Jensen, you mean?” The former asked.  “Yeah,” Chad grumbled. “He’s got such a crush on him, it’s pathetic.”  “We agreed you wouldn’t tell anyone,” Jared snapped, staring at his so-called best friend.  “And, apparently,” Chad went on. “They had ‘a moment’-” His air quotes were audible. “-on Friday night, while coming back from Alona’s house.”  “I did not call it that,” Jared sighed, as Sandy and Katie looked on gleefully.  “No, no, this is good,” Sandy spoke up. “Because I’m pretty sure Jensen likes you back.”  “Now you’re just being mean,” Jared accused, even as there was a slight fluttery feeling in his stomach.  Chad gave him an unimpressed look. “Jared. Even I’ve seen Ackles checking you out, and I barely interact with the guy.”  “Okay, yeah, but-”  “It’s true,” Katie chimed in. “I’ve known Jensen a while, he was a TA when we were in freshman year. And he’s definitely got a soft spot for you.”  Jared stared at them all. “Okay. You guys need to stop putting ideas in my head. I live with the guy, I can’t walk around thinking he likes me.”  “He does!” All three of them chorused.  “And-!” He said louder. “-I refuse to talk about this anymore. We’re here to study, can we please do that?”  Katie sighed. “Denial.”  “It’s sweet,” Sandy reasoned.  “Pathetic, actually,” Chad corrected.  Jared groaned, thumping his forehead against the table. “I hate every single one of you.”  His annoyance over the conversation lingered till late night, brooding in front of the television when Jensen came home. He snuck a glance at him, losing his breath for a second at the way Jensen’s hair was mussed up, softening the angles of his jaw and cheekbones.  “What’s that look for?” Jensen asked.  “Nothing.” He looked away quickly.  Jensen made a skeptical sound, washing up quickly and changing before flopping down next to him on the couch. Jared moved without thinking, putting his legs up on Jensen’s lap.  Then he thought, What if I’m too obvious? Biting his lip, he made to draw his legs back. But before he could, Jensen’s hands curled around an ankle, pressing lightly with the pad of his thumb.  Jared’s heart thudded wildly against his ribcage. Jensen seemed oblivious, distractedly massaging Jared’s feet with his eyes fixed on theTV. Just like he always did. He said he liked doing it. He was good at it too. Good with his hands, which were strong and nimble, fingers slightly calloused from guitar strings…  “Jared?”  He jumped a little, looking at Jensen with wide eyes.  “You okay over there?” He asked. He sounded casual, but… Was that a hint of a smirk on his face?  “F-fine,” Jared replied quickly. He was holding himself too stiffly, unsure whether he wanted to move his leg away or not.  “Loosen up,” Jensen advised. “What are you so tense for?” His fingers trailed over his calf, sending a shiver up Jared’s spine.  “Nothing,” he answered, stronger this time. “Keep up the massage, bitch.”  Something flickered in Jensen’s eyes. “As if,” he scoffed. “If either of us is the bitch here, it’s you.”  “Yeah, that’s a real good comeback, Ackles,” he mocked.  “Do you want me to stop?” Jensen asked pointedly.  “You wouldn’t.”  “I could.”  “But you won’t.” And how could Jared be so sure of that?

Jensen’s mother was passing through the city on the way to visit some relatives. She’d had the wonderful idea of stopping by to visit her darling son.  “Jared, honey, you really should come over some time,” Donna Ackles was saying, patting Jared’s forearm. “Jensen’s told me so much about you, I'd love to have you. And don’t hesitate to bring your family too.”  Jensen groaned- how was it that his mother was currently gushing over Jared more than her own son?  “I’d love to, ma’am,” Jared replied earnestly, though his eyes cut to Jensen for just a second, showing amusement. “And Jensen’s raved plenty about y’all too.” He was laying on the accent thick, the bastard.  “None of that now,” Donna rebuked sternly. “My name is fine.”  Jared laughed, cheeks tinting pink. “I’ll try to remember that.”  Alright, that was enough. Jensen cleared his throat. “How about dinner? Hmm?”  As they moved to the table, his mother leaned in slightly, touching Jensen’s shoulder. “He’s a sweetheart, Jensen,” she whispered. “Why didn’t you introduce him sooner?”  “We’ve only been living together for a few months,” he pointed out.  “Yes, about that…” She frowned. “I’ve never known you to move in with someone so soon into a relationship.”  Jensen choked on air, nearly dropping the plate he was holding. “Wha-? No! No, mum, we’re not- Jared isn’t- we’re just roommates!” He exclaimed in a scandalized whisper.  To his surprise, his mother did a double take that seemed too genuine for a joke. “Oh. I’m sorry, I thought…”  “No.” Jensen gave a quick shake of his head. “No, it’s not like that. We’re friends, that’s it.”  Donna studied him for a few seconds, green eyes sharp and focused. Then she smiled. “Alright, then. I’m sorry for assuming.”  “Don’t worry about it,” Jensen muttered, turning away.  But the conversation was hard to put out of his head when he and Jared were going to be sharing a bed that night. Jared’s own room had been given up for Donna, and there was no way he was going to subject the Sasquatch to sleeping on a couch that would kill his back come morning.  “This is okay, right?” Jared asked.  Jensen frowned. “What do you…?”  “I heard what your mom was saying,” he mumbled, eyes lowering.  Jensen paused, mouth dry. “Oh. Um… She was just guessing, that’s all. Don’t worry about it.”  “So this is okay?” Jared asked again, gesturing at the bed. “Not gonna be awkward?”  “Only awkward if you keep talking about it,” Jensen pointed out, glad when it drew an eye roll.  He turned out to be right though. It wasn’t awkward, save a few moments right as they lay down, shuffling around and jabbing elbows into kidneys to try and find a comfortable position.  They finally managed with Jared on his stomach, arm wrapped around a pillow that was between them, and Jensen on his side, facing Jared.  “Your mom’s really nice,” Jared murmured. “And I think she wants to adopt me.”  Jensen snorted. “Pretty sure she’d go draw up the papers right now if she could.”  Jared hummed, eyes half-lidded and gleaming in the dark, but unmistakably focused on Jensen. His hand crept forward slightly, slowly, fingertips landing on Jensen’s jaw, newly clean-shaven for his mother's perusal.  Jensen bit back any words or sounds, as Jared traced over his skin. It was a cold night and the delicate touch felt like tiny flames searing heat into him.  “I think I like the stubble more,” Jared whispered, sounding almost nonchalant. He started withdrawing his hand and Jensen almost snatched it back. He resisted, settling for shifting a little until his knees were brushing against Jared’s thighs, just the slightest bit- enough that Jared could move himself, but not enough to be called out.  “Night, Jay,” he said softly.  Jared stared at him for another second, then closed his own eyes. “Goodnight.”

Jared woke to find Jensen in more or less the same position he’d been in when they’d gone to sleep. The only big difference was that his hand was now settled over the pillow placed between them, his fingertips brushing over Jared’s knuckles.  Jared stared at that for a moment, almost able to feel the calluses of Jensen’s fingers.  Slowly, he withdrew, sitting up and turning away. Jensen didn’t stir. Jared slid off the bed, tip-toeing out. The door to his bedroom, which Jensen’s mom had taken, was still locked. He decided to take a cheat day on his morning run and simply slipped downstairs in yesterday’s clothes, taking a deep breath.  Early mornings usually calmed him. Now though, when he closed his eyes, all he could see was Jensen.  Jared wasn’t an idiot. It was obvious that Jensen found him attractive. That was easy enough, with the wandering eyes and lingering touches. What Jared didn’t know was what to do with this information. Because it wasn’t enough.   Jared didn’t want one long night of wild sex or even regular sex without any labels. He wanted it all. He wanted something real.  Did that make him selfish? Jensen had told him on his very first morning here, after all, that he didn’t do too well with relationships, that they were going to stick to being just roommates. So how did attraction figure into that and where was there place for the frequent skip of Jared’s heart everytime Jensen smiled at him?  Before he could really think about it, Jared was calling Sandy.   “Jared?” She sounded tired. “What’s wrong?”   “Did I wake you?” He asked apologetically.   “No, I got up a while ago,” she yawned. “Not feeling up to studying today though, so might just go back to sleep. Why’d you call?”   Jared hesitated, unsure of the words. “I think… You guys were right about Jensen. Sort of.”
  “Sort of?”
  “I think- I’m pretty sure he wants to sleep with me,” Jared said in a rush.  A beat passed, then Sandy cleared her throat. “Okay. I need coffee.”   “Sands…”   “Look, Jay, I really don’t think it’s that simple,” she told him. “I think he likes you. Like, really likes you. I’m not teasing, I’m serious.”   “But why would he?” He reasoned. “He can have anyone he wants, so if he is interested in actual relationships, he can have his pick.”
  “But he wants you.”
  “You don’t know that.”  Sandy sighed. “Babe… Do you like him?”   Jared closed his eyes. “You know I do.”   “Then you gotta take a chance,” she advised. “You can at least try, right? At least give a few hints. If he doesn’t pick it up, you can let it go and move on.”   It was a sound suggestion; much to his chagrin, Jared couldn't find any excuse other than pure cowardice. So when he crept back up to the apartment and found Jensen just on the verge of waking up, he decided to start simple.  “Your coffee, morning grinch,” he teased softly, handing Jensen his mug.  Jensen grumbled a thanks and Jared carefully folded Jensen’s hands over the mug, almost covering them with his own. Jensen didn’t seem to notice, just drinking with his eyes closed. Jared didn’t move, watching, a little dumbstruck by the curl of Jensen’s lashes- had they always looked golden under the sun?  Jensen finished, opening his eyes, and did a little double-take at finding Jared so close. He didn’t move away though and Jared’s mind went blank- what next?  The green of Jensen’s eyes were hazy right now, not entirely clear of drowsiness. Jared remembered clearly they looked the same in a post-coital glow. He idly wondered if Jensen thought about that night too.  Jensen took a deep breath. “Jay…”  There was the sound of a door opening and Jensen jerked back, making Jared jump as well, as Donna stepped out.  Jensen hurried to offer them breakfast, while Jared begged off to take a shower. As he left, he could feel Jensen’s eyes following him.  Hope sparked in his chest. Maybe Sandy was right.

“Hey, what’s up with all the drawings?” Jared asked.  Jensen, sitting at the table, barely looked up. “New project. I’m the head of the team.”  “Nice,” he said appreciatively. “That’s good, right? Why do you sound so down?”  “Not down, just stressed,” Jensen replied. “And honestly? I’m kinda sick of these run-of-the-mill stuff.”  “Fair,” Jared acquiesced. “You wanna take a break?”  “No point,” Jensen groaned. “I’ve got this all in my head, just need to get it down on paper.”  “When does it need to be done?”  “Friday.”  Jared plucked the pencil out of his hand. “That’s a few days away. You can afford to take a break.”  Jensen frowned, but didn’t have the energy to fight after a long day of too many meetings and too many condescending superiors. “Fine.”  “Don’t be like that, grumpy,” Jared chided, tapping the back of a pencil over the tip of Jensen’s nose, making him blink and jerk back. “What do you wanna do? Something fun?”  “I don’t think I’m up for ‘something fun’ today,” he admitted with a sigh.  “Movie?”  Jensen hummed. “Anything good on?”  Jared grabbed his phone, frowning at the screen for a few moments. “You a Batman fan? And if the answer is ‘no’, we can’t be friends.”  “Yes, I am, and please don’t be so dramatic,” he pleaded. “Please?”  “No can do,” Jared replied cheerfully. “It’s part of my charm and you love it, Ackles.”  “Do I?”  “You do,” he assured. “Go change. It’s a weekday, tickets are easy to get. If we hurry, we can catch the next screening, it starts in an hour.”  Staring up at Jared’s earnest face and cajoling smile, Jensen couldn’t honestly say he wanted to argue. And if he thought about it too hard, he didn’t think he had the willpower to really refuse Jared anything; with those puppy eyes, he’d love to see who could say ‘no’ to Jared.  “Fine,” he gave in, standing. “But it’s your treat.”  “Only if you buy me dinner,” Jared shot back with a grin.  “Dinner and a movie?” Jensen asked archly. “Fine, but don’t expect me to put out at the end of the night; I’m not that easy.”  He meant it as a joke, really. But Jared blushed, biting his lip in a nervous gesture, and Jensen felt a sudden flash of heat, remembering how it felt to have his own teeth digging into the delicate swell of Jared’s lower lip. It had been months ago. More recent was the alcohol-hazy memory of leaning into Jared’s chest, close enough to feel the warmth of his breath.  Add to that the slightest shift in Jared’s demeanor- hand stroking over the back of Jensen’s neck, the subtle downward flick of his eyes, the way his teasing had taken on a more flirty tone…  Jesus, was Jensen being wooed?    “I’ll go change,” he muttered, tearing his gaze away. “Just give me five minutes.”  Jared nodded, turning away as well. “Will do.”

“Hey, Jared,” Chris greeted as they entered the bar. “So you finally decided to come see us play, huh?”  “Hey, blame your buddy here,” Jared replied defensively, shoving Jensen. “He’s been busy with work for so long and I figured I shouldn’t leave him to suffer alone. Couldn’t get him to leave the house again till tonight.”  “Well.” Chris gave them both a studying look as Jensen rolled his eyes with a mock scowl. “Think you can convince him to come up on stage and play with us for a bit?”  “No-!” Jensen started to refuse.  Jared cut in. “Wait, you actually do perform?”  He watched as Jensen’s ears turned a slight red. “I- yeah. Sorta.”  “He’s damn good,” Chris told Jared. “But he’s got the worst case of stage fright I’ve ever seen and he only plays when he’s trashed- don’t ask me how he still hits the notes right.”  “I’m not that bad,” Jensen muttered.  Chris ignored him. “Just try, Jay, okay? Trust me, he’s fantastic when he’s not too caught up in his own head.” He sauntered off to the side of the stage, where Steve was running soundchecks.  Jared turned to Jensen. “How come you never told me you perform?”  He shrugged. “Never came up,” he mumbled. “Listen, I really don’t have stage fright, okay?”  “Then why…?”  “I just-” He fidgeted awkwardly. “Get awkward in front of people. Strangers. I’m fine playing for friends and stuff, but this is…” He looked around the crowded bar, many of them evidently waiting for the band to start performing.  “Hey.” Jared softened and leaned in a little closer, placing his hands on Jensen’s shoulders. “You are with friends. These people don’t know you, but Chris and Steve are gonna be up there with you. Sandy, Chad, and Alona will be here soon. And I’m here.”  Jensen looked at a loss for words, staring up at Jared with wide eyes. He didn’t seem to be breathing.  Something hot sparked low in Jared’s stomach, making him swallow and let his hands fall down to Jensen’s waist. “I’m gonna be right here,” he repeated, softer.  Jensen nodded, taking a deep breath, visibly bracing himself. “Okay,” he said quietly. “Okay, yeah, I’ll play.” He gave a small smile. “Wish me luck?”  “Good luck,” Jared murmured- and at some point, his hands had curved around Jensen’s hips, thumbs rubbing into the hollows of his bones. But he forced himself to let go and lightly shoved Jensen away.

It was Jared’s birthday and Jensen grinned as he and Steve helped to keep Jared’s legs up in the air as he demonstrated a keg stand. He tried not to focus too much on the muscles he could feel under his palm, or the way he had a perfect view of the expanse of Jared’s throat, or…  Jared finished drinking and they slowly let him down. He swayed a little, and Jensen wound an arm around his waist to balance him. Jared gave him a slightly dazed grin. “Jensen!”  “Easy, there, birthday boy,” Jensen chuckled. “Don’t forget that I’m the one who has to haul your drunk ass home after this.”  Jared sighed happily, laying his forehead on Jensen’s shoulder. “What would I do without you?”  “Walk yourself into a ditch like the freak of nature you are,” he answered promptly, earning a giggle as a reply.  A flurry of hands appeared. “My turn,” Sandy chirped, throwing Jensen a wink as she tugged Jared away too easily for a girl her size.  Jensen chuckled to himself, watching Jared dance with her in the most endearingly clumsy way possible. But as he was turning to grab himself a light beer, Chad’s voice sounded gratingly close.  “My god, could you be more obvious with the fucking heart eyes, Ackles?” he drawled.  Jensen jumped, then glared at him. “What the fuck are you talking about?”  “I’m talking about you-” Chad punctuated this with a sharp poke to Jensen’s chest. “-wanting to bone my best friend.”  Jensen choked on his own breath. “What? What are you- I don’t-”  “Save it.” He rolled his eyes. “Just make a move and be fucking careful with him.”  Jensen stared at him. “But I’m- I don’t-”  “Also, you should probably turn around and look at him right now.” Chad’s eyes flicked to right over Jensen’s shoulder.  Jensen turned, giving up on arguing, then promptly froze at the sight of Jared plastered to some other guy’s side, arm slung around his shoulder and laughing happily.  Something burned in Jensen’s chest, dropping to his stomach and making him almost nauseous. “Who is that?” He asked, voice steady enough.  “Keegan Allen,” Chad answered cheerfully. “He’s in Jared’s history class. They’re good friends.”   Good friends. Right, okay. Jared was like that with all his close friends. Hell, he was like that with Jensen too, always in his space and cuddling him like a damn teddy bear. So what if-  Allen was whispering something in Jared’s ear, lips almost touching skin, and his hand was gently hooked around his neck, like…  Jensen was moving before he fully realized it, effortlessly making his way past the crowd and towards Jared and his ‘friend’.  “Hey, Jay,” he greeted smoothly, making the two of them startle apart a little. “Enjoying yourself?”  Jared’s face lit up at the sight of him and Jensen’s heart gave a painful lurch. “Yeah, of course! This is great, Jen, seriously! You and Sandy outdid yourself.”  “It was mostly Sandy,” he confided. “I just did as she asked and went where she pointed.”  Jared snorted. “Yeah, she can be like that.”  Jensen glanced disinterestedly at the third person. “Who’s this?”  Jared seemed to perk up impossibly so. “This is Keegan! Kee, this is Jensen- he’s my best friend.”  He was clearly drunk, words dripping with genuine sincerity, and Jensen couldn't help a small niggle of pleasure at being introduced as Jared’s best friend, along with a little smugness. Suck it, Murray.   “Nice to meet you,” he greeted politely, smiling in the most threatening way he could manage. It must have worked, because Allen flushed red, looking a little uncomfortable.  Before he could recover, Jensen turned back to Jared. “Come on out with me for a little while?”  He jumped to his feet easily, dislodging Allen from his side. Jensen resisted the urge to smirk again- or maybe cheer- and led Jared out the back door. They stepped out into an alleyway, and it only occurred to him a second later that this was where they’d stood the first time they’d met too.  “You don’t like Keegan?” Jared asked in a small, curious voice.  Jensen cursed Jared’s perceptiveness, even when drunk. “I don’t know him,” he hedged.  “Hmm.”  He frowned. “What?”  “Nothing.” Jared flashed him an innocent smile, which was less convincing when his eyes were so glazed over with alcohol.  Jensen narrowed his own eyes in suspicion, but there was no reasonable way to probe the topic, so he let it go, lighting up a cigarette instead.  “Hey, Jen?”  He tipped his head up to the sky. “Yeah?”  Jared sighed. “Nothing. Just… You are my best friend.”  He gave a slow smile. “I know.” He glanced at the side, found Jared staring at him, gaze dark. He swallowed, and his palms itched with the urge to touch, to lay his hands on Jared and keep them there.   Fuck. Jensen took a suddenly shaky breath, closing his eyes for a long moment and turning his face away. So maybe Chad wasn’t entirely wrong.

“What are you packing for?” Jensen asked with a frown, leaning against the doorframe of Jared’s bedroom.  Jared gave him a quick glance. “We have to write a paper detailing any restoration job, focusing on the before-and-after. There was an art restoration project that was completed a couple weeks ago, so I figured I’ll go see it in person.” He paused, an idea occurring to him. “You wanna come with?”  “Where’s it gonna be?”  “LA.” He looked up at him properly. “Even if you’re not interested in art, it’ll still be nice to get away from here for a while, right? Unless you have plans for the weekend or something-”  “I don’t,” Jensen answered quickly. “Who else is coming?”  Jared looked back down at his bag, biting back a nervous smile. “No one.”  Jensen only took a few seconds to respond. “Sure, why not. I’ll go pack. Just for the weekend, right?”  Jared gave him a pleased look. “Yeah. I’ll call to change the room I booked.”  That conversation had been twenty hours ago. Right now, Jensen was following Jared through the museum at a sedate pace, watching as Jared intermittently gushed in muted tones about a particular painting, or muttered to himself while jotting down some quick notes on his phone.  Jared did his best to split his attention, not wanting Jensen to feel bored or anything. He wondered if Jensen even understood what this was. That Jared was trying to gauge whether or not he’d imagined or was misremembering the heat in Jensen’s eyes last week when he’d spotted Jared and Keegan. Then again, it had been a couple years since Jared had tried this hard for someone. Since he’d wanted someone so much.  There was the slightest skip to his heart whenever Jared happened to glance at Jensen instead of the paintings, always catching Jensen looking back at him with a fond smile.  It felt a bit like a game of chicken, Jared thought. But he wasn’t sure what they were playing for.  “Okay, I think you’ve suffered enough for one day,” he said after a while, sighing contentedly. “And I’ve got all I need for my paper, so… Dinner?”  “Chris performs in LA sometimes, he gave me a list of good places to eat at,” Jensen told him. “So, what do you want? Hole-in-the-wall or fancy?”  “I haven’t packed anything fancier than my cleanest pair of jeans,” Jared replied with a lazy wave of his hand. “Hole-in-the-wall sounds good.”  “Mexican?”  “Sure.”  The diner was unsurprisingly crowded for a Saturday night. But they managed to find a booth in the farthest corner, closest to the kitchen. Every now and then, the door swung open, bringing in a fresh wave of suffocating heat and enticing smells. Jared’s mouth watered and he wondered when Jensen had clocked on that Mexican was a favorite for him.  “So, what’s the plan for tomorrow?” Jensen asked. “More paintings?”  “Sort of. I was thinking I might as well visit Barnsdall while we’re here, you know?” Jared hesitated. “You’re probably just gonna get bored though, so if you wanna do something of your own-”  “No, I’m good with it,” he said hurriedly. “How about we…?” He paused, eyes darting away like they did when he was thinking hard about something. “How about we make a day of it? You get your artsiness out, then we have a picnic on the park hill?”  Jared was nodding along before he finished. “That sounds great, yeah.”

The view over Barnsdall hill was amazing. Chris, who’d brought his longtime girlfriend here for their first date, had told him about it, and Jensen sent up a silent thanks for that, because right now, Jared’s face shone bronze, eyes glowing and hair tinted gold under the setting sun.  Jensen didn’t want to think of the word ‘beautiful’, but it fit. And he couldn’t stop staring at Jared, drinking in his excited words like he could absorb some of that exuberant joy into himself.  “Alright, what?” Jared finally asked through a laugh. “Have I got something on my face?”  “No, no, no.” Jensen shook his head, quickly turning away. “Sorry, I just… Nothing.”   Jared hummed, head bowing with a shy quirk of his lips. “You really didn’t get bored here with me?”  “Not even a little,” he promised. “Besides, you’re the only one who even remotely understands me when I’m the one rambling.”  “So we should stick together,” Jared said with a firm nod.  “That’s a fantastic idea, Padalecki,” Jensen laughed. He stretched out his legs, muscles a little stiff from all the walking they’d done, and then lay back on the ground. Unplanned as the picnic had been, they’d forgotten to bring a blanket and the grass was an ignorable prickliness against the back of his neck.  Jared, still sitting up, gave him an amused look. “This is why I tell you to join me for morning runs.”   “Fuck you too,” he replied in a drawl. “It’s bad enough that you expect me to wake up in the morning that early, but even if I manage to get out of bed, there’s no way I’m gonna do anything so physically exhausting.”  “”How you maintain any musculature is beyond me,” Jared complained.  Jensen winked. “Good genes.”  He scowled, swatting an arm at Jensen’s stomach, and Jensen caught it, gripping a little too tight. The sudden mischief that flashed over Jared’s face made him tense, but before he could move to defend himself, Jared was pinning both his wrists in one hand, using the other to jab at his stomach.  A loud yelp escaped Jensen and he tried to throw Jared off, unsuccessful with the way Jared’s fingers dug into all his ticklish spots. “Stop, stop, Jared, what the fuck-?!”  “Throw me off, then, go on,” Jared taunted.  Another shout that was half-laughter, and Jensen managed to get one hand free, pushing at Jared’s chest. Jared just grabbed him again though, but the tickling stopped. Jensen slumped in relief, taking a moment to breathe. A moment was all he got.  Lips pressed against his. The hand holding his loosened, fingers stroking over his wrist. A strand of hair drifted over his cheek.  Jensen didn’t have time to kiss back before Jared was pulling away, and he blinked his eyes open to find Jared’s face only a scant few inches from his own, gaze searching Jensen’s face almost shyly.  They stared at each other. Jensen was only dimly aware of the early dusk sky above them, of people starting to get up and leave, no one paying any heed to them. He reached up, cupping Jared’s face, entranced by the way he leaned into it, turning a little so his breath ghosted over Jensen’s palm.  Jensen could feel Jared’s heartbeat against his own chest.  He tugged him close, pressing them into each other more- Jared’s knees bracketing his hips, the tip of his nose pressed against Jensen’s cheek, and their matching smiles fitting perfectly together.

----- CHAPTER BREAK -----

“Alright,” Jared muttered, as he walked towards the coffee shop. “It’s not a break-up speech. Just a long-distance speech.” He snorted to himself. A break-up speech might have actually been easier.  He tried not to start practicing the words in his head- somehow, Jensen could always tell when he’d done that and teased him relentlessly about it. Jared didn’t have the heart for that familiar banter between them right now. Not when there was a job offer sitting in his email and an impending conversation that could go either of two ways.  He lengthened his stride, trying to inject a little more purpose in his step. It faltered again when he reached the coffee shop and spotted Jensen sitting at their usual booth, scrolling through his phone, chin in one hand and with a slight stiffness to his shoulder where he’d been injured pretty badly in an accident about two years ago. It still acted up sometimes when the weather was cold. His jacket was hanging over the back of his chair and he was wearing a simple t-shirt, the edge of a tattoo peeking out from under the back of the neck; a compass rose, its needle threaded through with a feather, all of it in a myriad of vibrant blue and green and gray.  Jared felt a slight lump in his throat. Three years. For three years, he had been waking up next to Jensen on more days than not, and yet, seeing him always felt like a punch to the gut. Like a reminder that yes, someone that beautiful, in every way possible, could actually exist.  He took a deep breath, bracing himself, then walked in. Jensen looked up before he reached, like he had a homing beacon coded to Jared. He smiled, and Jared was helpless, grinning back easily.  “Hey.” He sat down heavily, feeling his exhaustion after a day of excitement. “Already ordered?”  “Yeah, should be here soon,” Jensen remarked, checking his watch. “How was your day?”  “Good.” It was true enough.  Jensen hummed, raising an eyebrow. His eyes always looked extra green during the winter, contrasting the paleness of his face. “You gonna tell me why you asked me to meet here? Instead of home?”  Because Jared hadn’t wanted to talk about a potentially relationship-ruining topic within the space they’d shared for so long. He didn’t say that though. “Well… There’s something I need to talk to you about.”  “I got that.” Jensen nodded slowly. “What’s up?”  Jared stared at him, chewing on his lip. “My uncle has some contacts in Europe,” he spoke slowly. “He sent them my application directly and… I’ve been invited to work with them…”  He blinked, then smiled. “Wow, okay. That’s great, man, we should-”  “... Work with them in Europe,” Jared finished.  Jensen’s words petered out. Confusion lingered over his face for a second. “In… Europe?”  He nodded, unable to look away. “Paris. The Louvre. I have to be there in a month.”  Jensen exhaled loudly. “Wow. That, uh… That’s big.”  “Yeah…”  They sat in silence for a minute, as a waiter came by with their drinks, placing their respective coffee cups in front of them.  “Bet you just about burst into tears when you heard,” Jensen murmured, not quite teasing, but fond. “You’ve been dreaming about restoration projects in Europe since I’ve known you.”  It was true- Jared had been fascinated with art in Europe for as long as he could remember. It was what had first led him down the career path of art and culture restoration. It was also one of the things he’d connected on with Jensen, a beginner architect back then and still dead set on working in New York, directly under someone named Kripke- apparently a big shot in the architectural world.  “Hey.” Jensen’s voice was quiet as he tapped a finger against Jared’s wrist. “What’s wrong, babe?”  Jared swallowed tightly. “I think…” He paused, unable to get the words out. Then he took in the wry smile his boyfriend was wearing and his heart gave a painful lurch. “I think you already know what I’m getting at.” And you disagree.   “Since when has long distance ever worked for anyone?” Jensen chuckled, but it was strained.  “My parents?” He suggested, throat closing up. This was… Definitely not going the way he wanted it to.  Jensen rolled his eyes slightly. “Your parents met when they were both teenagers. And they were only a few states apart, not countries. And, you know, they’re the exception, not the rule. My parents are separated and they were just a couple city limits away from each other, and hardly for longer than a week.”  Jared sighed. If he were a psychologist, he could probably prove that Jensen had some serious issues regarding his parents’ failed marriage. “So… So, what, you think…? This is it?”  Jensen cocked his head at him. “Like you didn’t know this is what would happen the second you got that job offer?”  And that was the kicker, wasn’t it? Jared had always known it would come to this. Even before this offer came up. Whether Jensen would get the promotion he wanted or Jared would get his dream project- he’d always feared they weren’t going to last. But he’d hoped. He’d thrown himself headfirst into this relationship, fully aware that it might not be a happy ending.  And when it came to it, he’d pushed that fear away, hoping with each breath he took until he got to this coffee shop, that everything would turn out okay. That Jensen would be willing to take the chance. To make the effort. And maybe, miraculously, they’d be able to make it all work.  He opened his mouth to say so, to plead his case, but-  “Jay,” Jensen murmured before he could get a sound out. “Anything else would hurt us both.” He gave a tight smile. “Remember Chad and Sophia?”  Jared faltered and nodded, taking a sip of his coffee. It was his favorite: salted caramel latte. Jensen hated it, scolded Jared for ‘ drinking a dentist’s nightmare’ , but always ordered it for him anyway.  “I don’t want that for us,” he went on. “The blame game, the fighting, never getting to see each other long enough to work it all out… The resentment…” He shook his head. “What we’ve got has been good. Hell, it’s been the best part of the last three years, best part of my life . And I don’t want to take the risk of ruining it.”  The raw honesty, rare for Jensen, made Jared startle a bit, and Jensen nodded firmly, as if to confirm it, eyes fixed unwaveringly on him. Surprisingly, it eased something in him.  “So, we… Just… We just…” Jared swallowed, the words still too heavy on his tongue.  “Yeah,” Jensen breathed out. “I think so.”  They stared at each other, as if trying to see which one of them would say it first.  “Break up,” Jared finally mumbled, and Jensen’s voice overlapped with his.  “Yeah,” Jensen sighed again, something closed off in his expression. He'd never worn that look around Jared in all the time they’d been together. Never.  And it hurt.

Jensen helped pack. Not because he wanted to, but because he hoped it would get him accustomed to the fact that Jared was leaving.  Leaving to a whole other continent.  For fuck knew how long.  “Where’s my Stanford hoodie?”  The question broke Jensen out of his reverie. “What? Uh, I don’t know, dude, must be still in the wash. But more importantly…” He held up the fabric in his hand. “This shirt is horrible,” he declared, staring at the pale pink button-up he vaguely remembered Jared wearing at some point. “Why is it not in the trash?”  “Look, just because you don’t like my clothing choices,” Jared answered primly, snatching it back. “Doesn’t mean no one does.”  “Sweetheart, no one does, actually,” he said, faux-gentle.  Jared twitched oddly. “Fine, you pink-hater,” he grumbled, but it seemed off. “It’s shrunk too much for me anyway.”  It hadn’t shrunk; Jared had just gotten bigger- who the hell got a growth spurt at 26 anyway? But Jensen resisted the urge to point that out and tilted his head at him instead. “What is it?”  Jared didn’t meet his eyes for a moment, fiddling with the edge of a band t-shirt. “Don’t call me that anymore,” he said in a soft voice. “Please?”  He frowned, not getting it. “Don’t call you-?” Sweetheart.    The room suddenly felt too small and too big all at once.  They’d always been affectionate, in different ways. Jared’s tactile nature was addictive to Jensen, but he’d never been able to make himself reciprocate, in public, at least. Instead, he had his pet names, casual terms of endearments that slipped from his mouth fluidly, never failing to draw a blush or a pleased smile from Jared.  They weren’t allowed that anymore.  “Jensen?” Jared peeked up at him.   He swallowed tightly, nodding. “Right, yeah. You’re right, sorry.”  Jared opened his mouth, then closed it again. Jensen couldn’t find anything to say either.

They were throwing a fucking going-away party for him. Jared wasn’t sure if he hated all his friends or loved them. He couldn’t deny a part of him wanted to spend his last night with just Jensen, but he also didn’t think he could take that without some sort of a breakdown.  So here he was, at the same club where he’d met Jensen in the first place, surrounded by his friends, watching Justin fucking Hartley flirt with Jensen, who didn’t look all that opposed to it either. In fact, he seemed to be intent on avoiding Jared as much as possible the whole night.  “Don’t take it to heart,” Chris told him, slapping his shoulder. “He’ll be sobbing in your arms by the end of the night.”  “That’s not funny,” Jared said with a roll of his eyes. “And anyway, I don’t care. It’s fine.” He knew it sounded like a brush-off, but it was the truth. This was Jensen’s way of avoiding any emotional honesty and he’d realize how stupid it was by the end of the night. Chris was right on that count, at least.  Of course, that didn’t mean Jared was happy about it. But that didn’t matter. It was fine.  As if reading his mind, Sandy appeared, hooking an arm around Jared’s. “Dance with me,” she ordered and Jared didn’t put up any arguments, letting himself be dragged into the masses with a laugh.  “I don’t need cheering up,” he told her. “I’m not upset, honestly.”  “I know.” Sandy smiled up at him. “But that doesn’t mean you’re happy.”  He sighed, winding his arms around her waist as they swayed mindlessly. “That’s not it either. I’m happy, I really am, but just…”  “You wish Jensen wouldn’t waste your last night together pretending he doesn’t care?” She asked knowingly.  Jared bit his lip, nodding.  “Well-” She smirked, her eyes drifting to a spot behind him. “He’s definitely not pretending now.”  Jared fought the urge to look back. He succeeded for about two seconds, then turned them around under the guise of spinning Sandy, and found Jensen again- he was ignoring Justin now, turned towards the dance floor instead. The darkness of the club, interspersed by flashing lights, hid his eyes in the shadows, but somehow, Jared knew he was looking straight at him. And there was an odd look on his face, one Jared had never seen before. He didn’t even know what to call it, but it made him swallow tightly, looking back down at Sandy.  “See?” She said softly. “He can’t even pretend as well as he used to, can he?”  She was right, Jared realized. Early on in their relationship, and before they’d gotten together, Jensen would often withdraw into himself at times, as if affecting nonchalance would lessen the intensity of his emotions. But as time went on, his act had slipped.  “But that doesn’t make this better,” Jared replied. “He’s still not going to give in- he’s got too much pride for that.”  “I know,” she agreed. “That’s why you have to go to him.”  “I doubt he’d like that-”  “Do you, really?” Sandy interrupted bluntly. “Or are you just as scared as he is?”  He fell quiet at that, resisting the urge to glance at Jensen again. “Yeah,” he admitted. “You’re right. As always.”  “Should keep me around more,” she joked.  He laughed, but without warning, there were tears in his eyes. “I’m gonna miss you, Sands.”  “I know, Jay,” she murmured, blinking fast. “Now go on, get out of here. You’ve already said goodbye once, no need to rehash all the tears again.”  He nodded, bending down to peck her cheek before letting go. It took less effort than he’d expected to turn away, making a beeline for Jensen.  “I want some air,” he said without preamble. “Come on.”  Jensen looked surprised, wariness stealing over his features as he nodded. Jared led them both out, into the night air that felt like immense relief from the claustrophobic club.  “You’ve been avoiding me all day,” he said quietly.  Jensen nibbled on the inside of his lip, the dimmest glow in his eyes from the Christmas lights put up at the alley ends. “Yeah. I know. Thought it would help. Sorry.”  “Did it?”  After a moment of hesitation, Jensen shook his head and Jared leaned into him, kissing him without any conscious thought. They hadn’t even touched since he’d broken the news of his leaving. And now, Jensen gasped into it like he’d been starving, clutching at Jared with a hint of desperation. A cold wind blew through the alley, as if urging them to push closer for warmth.  “Do you want me to stay?” Jared murmured, barely realizing when the words left his mouth.  Jensen went still. “What?” He breathed out shakily.  Jared pulled back enough to look at him, finding his eyes glassy and wide in the darkness. “Do you want me to stay? Do you want me to not go?”  He gave a humorless laugh. “Those are two different questions, Jay.”  “What do you mean?” Jared frowned.  Jensen’s gaze fell, playing with the collar of Jared’s t-shirt, sending little shockwaves of heat wherever his fingers brushed against skin. “I want you to go. I know how long you’ve dreamed about this and I want you to have it. You’ve earned it.” He paused, taking a deep breath. “And yeah. I want you to stay. Does that make me selfish?”  “No,” Jared answered immediately, kissing him again. “Ask me to stay. If you want.”  “No,” he said, but wrapped his arms around Jared’s neck, pulling him closer. “No,” he whispered again and drowned any possible reply in another kiss.

Jensen woke up alone in his bed. He didn’t move, breathing out carefully as he extended his hand to the other side of the bed; it was still warm. He and Jared had fallen asleep together last night, instead of separately like the last four weeks. He shifted to that side, laying on Jared’s pillow, and found that it still carried the faintest hint of Jared’s shampoo. It was more comforting than it had any right to be.  A soft knock made him open his eyes. Jared was standing at the door, fidgeting. He was still getting dressed, shirtless over low-slung jeans to reveal the anchor tattooed over his heart, a dark green set against a cloud of pale gold. “I gotta leave in half an hour. You don’t have to drive me,” he said, voice quiet and carefully measured. “I can get a cab.”  “No, I’m coming,” Jensen protested, not the least bit sleepy as he sat up. “Just give me ten minutes.”  Jared nodded and Jensen moved faster than he ever had after just waking up. In ten minutes, he was helping Jared put his bags in the car. Jared paused at the last moment, taking a few seconds to look around the street. “I’m gonna miss this place,” he said. It sounded an odd mix of genuine and forced.  Jensen didn’t know what to say in response. “Come on, you don’t wanna be late.”  Jared hummed, getting in.  The drive was silent. Jensen considered turning the radio on, but his body refused to cooperate more than keeping the car on the road.  “What are you gonna do?” Jared asked.  Jensen startled badly. “I don’t know, uh…”  “Yeah,” Jared agreed quietly. “Me either.”  He bit his lip. “Well, you’ll be busy pretty soon. Finding a place to live, moving out of office accommodations, studying for your PhD, and your new job…”  “You’ve got that new project coming up, right?” Jared recalled. “That new floor on the mall?”  He nodded. Internally, he wondered why the conversation felt so stilted. He hated it.  Jared suddenly gave a small huff. “Fuck, this is horrible, isn’t it?”  Jensen snorted. “You think?” They reached the airport, climbing out of the car. “This is the most awkward conversation we’ve ever had.”  He nodded, hauling his bags out. The brief moment of levity fell away as they looked at the queue. Through the glass doors, the announcement boards could be seen flickering in the distance.  “So, this is it, huh?” Jared asked, and when Jensen turned, he was looking at him, lips trembling into a smile and eyes teary.  Immediately, Jensen felt his own eyes well up in response. “Fuck you, don’t make me cry.”  “Sorry,” he said with a soft laugh.  Jensen shook his head, looking away. “Look, just… Take care of yourself. Have a safe flight and…” He reached out, practically yanking Jared into a hug.  Jared clutched back, mouth pressed to Jensen’s shoulder, shaking a little. His hands fisted into the back of Jensen’s jacket, and Jensen closed his eyes, memorizing the feel of Jared in his arms.  “If I asked you to stay,” he whispered, recalling the previous night’s conversation. “Would you?”  “Yes.”  The lack of hesitation made Jensen’s heart swell. He knew he could be an asshole sometimes, but he couldn’t now. Not where Jared was concerned. He just couldn’t.  “We gonna keep in touch?” He asked instead.  Jared did hesitate this time. Then said, “If you want to.”  Jensen was nodding before he thought about it. “Yeah, yeah, I do, of course…”  “So, we will.” Jared smiled softly and then slowly pulled away.   Jensen placed his palm on Jared's chest, where the tattoo was, then let go.  For a long moment, they stared at each other. Then, with a last tremulous smile, Jared wiped his tears off and turned away, walking indoors without a second look. Jensen stood there, watching him go for as long as he could see him, pretending it wasn’t taking all his willpower not to beg him to come back.  Only when Jared’s tall form had disappeared into the throng did Jensen sit back in the car. He turned the radio on this time, cranking the volume up as loud as he could bear. Ten minutes later, he still had no idea what he was listening to, or what station was playing.  When he stepped into the house, it felt empty too. The silence was loud, everything brimming with memories of three years spent here- they’d had sex for the first time, for real , on that couch that was way too small for two grown men. Jensen had once banged his head on one of the kitchen cabinets when Jared had pushed him up against the counter a little too enthusiastically. The photo frame on the mantel was one that Jared had insisted on putting up, carrying a picture of Jensen playing the guitar and Jared sitting beside him, staring at him with a fond smile Jensen could still feel the warmth of. On the armchair, Jared had carefully manhandled Jensen into sitting down, then proceeded to kneel on the floor and hug him, shaking as he confessed how terrified he’d been when he’d gotten the call about Jensen’s accident.  And right now, on that very armchair, nearly hidden under a pile of cushions, was Jared’s Stanford hoodie.  They’d thought it was in the wash and then forgot all about it. Jensen’s own hoodie had been torn and bloodied in the accident, rendered unwearable.  Jensen picked it out, struck by a clear memory of Jared wearing it only a few days ago. He buried his face in it, imagining he could still find Jared’s scent in it, and was suddenly overwhelmed with how much his heart hurt .   He’d never expected it to hurt so much.

----- CHAPTER BREAK -----

JACKLES <3<3<3

I forgot how much studying sucks.

Nobody told u 2 get a phd.

Ha ha -_-  -_-  -_-          
  It took Jared a month to settle in properly. Odd, because he usually adjusted to change very quickly, only in a couple of weeks.  But Paris felt… Lonely. Because of the lack of familiar faces, or the fact that his French was still a bit subpar, or… Whatever.  The only bright spot was his work. There was something humbling about being able to restore masterpieces of times long gone by. Jared couldn’t help feeling strangely calm as soon as he stepped into the Louvre. It was a feeling he usually associated with…  Well. With Jensen.   It also made him miss him more, despite their semi-regular texting.  Back in the States, whenever they could grab a long weekend off work and classes, Jared would take Jensen with him to old art museums, continuing the tradition from their unofficial first date in LA. And while Jensen had no great love for the finer arts, he would be perfectly happy to discuss at length ancient architectural techniques. From Roman aqueducts to Indian temples, his usually reserved state of being fell away to downright chattiness.  A friendly nudge to his shoulder broke him out of his thoughts. “Hey,” Stephen Amell, one of his teammates, greeted with a smile. “You’re looking uncharacteristically pensive.”  “Woke up feeling a little homesick,” Jared replied with a shrug and a smile. It was technically the truth.  “Well, I might have something to cheer you up.”  He perked up a little. “Am I being promoted?”  “Hilarious,” Stephen deadpanned. “You’re a month-old rookie here, why are you even expecting a promotion?”  “Because it’s fun to mess with you,” he answered honestly.  Stephen chuckled, shaking his head. “Well, no, no promotion, sorry. But I’ve got a few friends coming over tonight, one of whom happens to be an excellent cook and from Texas, so since you’re feeling homesick…”  “Wow, that… Sounds great, I won’t lie.” Jared smiled, tilting his head slightly in curiosity. “But they’re your friends, I won’t really know anyone-”  “It’s only three people,” he said. “They might rib at you a little, but I think you’d fit right in. And honestly, they want to meet you. I…” He paused, suddenly giving a nervous laugh. “I might have told them about you. A lot.”  Jared swallowed, eyes falling to the ground. “Told them about me?”  “Yeah… I mean, before you, I was the only non-French person working in this place,” he explained hurriedly. “And language barrier aside, it’s just nice to have someone around who misses Cali, and…” He paused, taking a deep breath. “Will you just come? Please?”  Jared bit his lip to keep from smiling, a little endeared by the nervous rambling that was so like his own. “I’ll be there.” There was the smallest nugget of guilt, because it wasn’t hard to see that Stephen might be crushing on him a little.  And it wasn’t that Jared didn't like him, but he couldn’t quite appreciate another guy when he was still so hung up on a man who was a whole continent away, when his chest felt a little hollow each time he looked at his chat history with Jensen. What would he say if he knew Jared was considering going out with someone else?  Would it be cruel to ask?  Did Jensen realize that Jared would be happy to remain single and celibate if Jensen wanted? Did he know that Jared would gladly wait for him if that’s what he needed?”

Jensen frowned at Steve, who was looking at him with the most amused expression he’d ever seen.  “What?” He snapped.  “Interesting choice of clothing,” Steve deadpanned. “Considering I was the one who threw away your hoodie while you were in the hospital.”  Jensen rolled his eyes, drawing Jared’s Stanford hoodie tighter around himself. It smelled like nothing but laundry detergent and his own cologne. “It’s comfortable. And he left it behind by accident, I didn’t steal it.”  Steve chuckled. “Alright. But Chris won’t believe that.”  “Chris can go fuck himself.”  His friend softened, coming to sit beside him. “You doing okay?”  “Fine,” he answered shortly. “It’s been a month, I’m okay, you can stop treating me like I’m about to break.”  “It’s not easy to adjust to something different after three years,” Steve said cautiously. “It’s okay if you’re… Still healing.”  “Healing?” Jensen looked away from his laptop to roll his eyes. “You make it sound like it was a messy break up where he broke my heart and dumped me.”  “I’m not saying that,” he argued. “I know you guys agreed together it was the best decision, but that doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt.”  Jensen clenched his jaw, not having an answer. Truth was, it did hurt. Everyday, he woke up and had several seconds of disorientation at the emptiness of the house- no sounds of Jared taking his post-run shower, no smell of the coffee that he had put on for Jensen, no lingering warmth on the other side of the bed.  Then he’d remember and it felt like all the breath was sucked out of him, because Jared was gone and Jensen was alone.  Some days, he just felt glad his sole tattoo was in a place he couldn't easily see. He didn't know if it had lost even a hint of its color… He had a feeling it hadn’t.  The last texts from Jared that he had yet to reply to didn’t help matters.
JAY

There’s this guy on my team, pretty sure he likes me. Like, likes-likes me.

I think I like him too? Maybe?

What do you think?

Jensen?
  “Jensen?”  He sighed, closing his eyes. “What do you want to hear?” He asked tiredly. “I miss him? Yeah, obviously. Am I upset? Yes. Do I wish he was here?” Jensen paused. “No. We did the right thing. I don’t want to hold him back from doing something he’s always dreamed of and, even if we could manage long-distance, he didn’t want to keep me living in any false hope that he’d be returning to California anytime soon.”  Steve studied his face carefully, like he was searching for a lie. “Alright,” he gave in, nodding. “But if you… I don’t know, need to talk, or something, you know we’re here for it?”  Jensen looked up, giving a grateful smile. “Yeah, I know, man. Thanks.”  “And maybe consider finding another place to live,” Stephen suggested. “You’re earning enough to move out of this apartment.”  Jensen ignored that suggestion. As Steve left, he picked up his phone, pulling up Jared’s chat box again.
JAY

Go fr it. Maybe he’ll keep ur head out of ur books.

Don’t worry abt me. Already got a hot date fr tonight :D          
  A blatant lie, but only for now. Jensen was determined to move on, even if it took a few weeks of meaningless sex.

True to form, Jared finally did settle in after another few weeks. And Stephen had been right too- Genevieve, Lindsey, and Jason were easygoing and fun. Genevieve reminded him a little of Sandy, with her dark hair and big eyes. Lindsey was a little quiet until she got comfortable, and Jason had a steady, dependable air about him that relaxed Jared instantly. The very big muscles and gorgeous tattoos- both real ones and ones drawn in ink- helped.  And Stephen himself… Jared had started going out with him. There was no mistaking that it was a date when they were walking in companionable silence at the park and their fingers brushed too many times to be a coincidence, or when Stephen brought take-out to Jared’s place and helped him with his dissertation, or when they’d go out to celebrate a finished project with the rest of the team but end up huddled alone in some dark corner with each other.  So, really, it wasn’t a surprise when Stephen kissed him one night, when they were already pressed close together on the sofa and Jared had been distracted by the movie. Neither was it a surprise that Jared kissed back, relaxing into Stephen’s side, legs tangling together.  What did surprise Jared, he mused as he broke the kiss to return Stephen’s giddy smile, was that he wasn’t thinking of Jensen at all, except to wonder if he might be kissing someone else as well.  And it didn’t matter if he was, Jared thought, and he pulled Stephen closer.
JACKLES

So… I think me and Stephen are official.

:D

Fcking finally.

All the gooey-eyes IG stories wr making me sick.

Oh, fuck off! XD

You good?

Sure am.

Any updates on your love life?

“Who’s that?” Chris asked, zeroing in on the woman at Jensen’s side.  He rolled his eyes. “Danneel Harris. Danni, these guys are Chris and Steve, that's Chad, that’s Alona.”  As Alona smiled invitingly, Steve raised an eyebrow at Jensen. He fidgeted, feeling himself blush lightly as he nodded, not meeting Steve’s eyes. He didn’t even know why he was reacting like this.  So what if he’d gone home with Danni last night? She was a new regular at the same bar they went to and he’d been idly chatting her up for a couple weeks anyway. She was smart, fun, and hot. And it had been four months since Jared had left- he’d grieved enough.  Chad, unfortunately, didn’t seem to share this thought process.  “What?” Jensen snapped after only twenty minutes of silent staring. “God, just spit it out, what’s your problem?”  “You’re being an ass,” he replied calmly enough, head tilted back slightly and eyes closed. Who the hell invited him along anyway?  “How the fuck am I-?”  “You know Jared would have done anything to make this work with you, right?”  Jensen stiffened, drew a deep hissing breath. “Fuck you, man, you don’t know shit about me and Jared.” Which he knew to be wrong, because he knew Chad was the one person Jared confided pretty much everything in, more so than even Sandy.  Chad opened one eye to look at him blearily. “He asked you to try. And you turned him down.”  He grit his teeth. “Shut up. That’s not-”  “And now you’re going out with a chick who could be his twin.”  Jensen stuttered to a stop, words failing him entirely. It took him a minute to recover, in which he looked back at Danneel, who was sitting next to Alona and Chris. She was laughing loudly, red hair looking dark in the dim lighting of the club. Jensen’s chest tightened and he looked back at Chad. “You’re out of your mind. And probably stoned. This isn’t like that.”  “Isn’t it?”  “No,” he said flatly. “And anyway, Jared’s moved on, so I’m allowed to do the same thing if I want to. And I definitely do want to.”   Chad frowned, both eyes opening. “You seem pretty bummed out.”  Jensen closed his eyes for a long moment. “I’m walking away from this conversation.”  He didn’t wait for a response, just turned on his heel and made a beeline straight for the back exit. The night air felt good and he leaned against the brick wall, pulling his phone out.  Maybe he and Jared should have had a conversation about staying off each other’s social media. Hell, maybe it had been a mistake to stay in touch. Because something tore at his heart a little when he opened up Jared’s page and found the latest picture of him and some other guy, arms slung around each other and the other man’s lips pressed to the corners of Jared’s mouth.

Jensen knew what it looked like when Jared liked someone and he could see that easily in the way Jared was leaning into the other man, eyes crinkled close in a laugh, subtly leaning against him.  It hurt.  But it was dull, muted. Like it only hurt because Jensen expected it to. Because it was official now, wasn’t it? He and Jared were over. They’d both moved on. Jared was happy and Jensen was getting there a little slower, but he would get there. They were on their own paths and the world hadn’t ended.  And maybe, someday, he and Jared would be able to be proper friends again. Maybe someday, Jensen's tattoo would lose all its colour.  Had Jared's anchor turned black yet?  Jensen texted back to Jared’s last message and took a deep breath, feeling a faint smile on himself. He put his phone back in his pocket and slipped into the club again, looking for Danneel.
JAY

Any updates on your love life?

New girl, Danni.

Think u wud like her.

----- CHAPTER BREAK -----

Jared woke to Stephen’s lips brushing over his brow and smiled before even opening his eyes. “Hey.".  “Morning, mon coeur ,” he replied teasingly and Jared rolled his eyes at the terrible accent.  “You’re lucky I’m not French,” he yawned. “Or I'd probably be super offended at the way you speak it.”  “Hey, not everyone can be a natural-born linguist like you,” Stephen shot back.  Both of them being early risers meant lots of morning sex and on top of that, it was Sunday. They had plenty of time. So Jared just hummed in reply and slung a leg over Stephen’s hip, grinding up. It incited a soft groan and Stephen kissed him hard, neither awake enough to care much about morning breath.  “We gotta- get a leave of absence,” Jared panted quietly, shoving one hand down to wrap around both their cocks. “For December.”  “I rememb-” It was broken by another moan that Stephen buried in Jared’s neck.  Jared giggled. “You were saying?”  “Shut. Up.” He dragged his teeth over Jared’s lower lip and in a few more thrusts, both of them were spilling over Jared’s hand.  They paused for a second, catching their breaths.  “Shower-?”  “Second round-?”  They both blinked at each other, then laughed, getting up to slip into the bathroom. It took them long enough that by the time they got out, Jared decided to skip his run and got around to making breakfast as Stephen sat down to email their manager.  “I think the whole week of Christmas and New Year’s is good enough, right?” Jared asked. “We can see your parents in LA, then visit my folks in Austin, and be back in time for the new project.”  “Actually, uh…” He gave a small laugh. “I just got an email from my cousin, he’s getting married. Whole family’s flying out to Sacramento for it. And it’s gonna be on the 23rd.”  Jared gave a thoughtful hum, peering up at the ceiling. “Okay, then two weeks off for you? I can meet you there on Christmas Day, then we go to Austin?”  When he didn’t get an immediate answer, he looked over his shoulder to find Stephen watching him with an odd look. “What?”  “You could… Come to the wedding?” He suggested. “Robbie won’t be on my case about not bringing a date. And my parents would love you to be there too.”  Jared looked back at the stove. A date to a wedding. Was that something couples who had been dating for almost a year did? And either way, did Jared want to?  “Jare?”  He shook himself and turned back to Stephen with a smile. “Sounds good, actually, yeah. Gives me time to look up some old friends from college and I get to see you in a tux. Win-win.”  Stephen mock-sighed, shaking his head. “You’re just in this for my looks, aren’t you?”  “Baby, we both know you’re only with me for my money,” Jared drawled, handing him a plate stacked with pancakes.  Stephen laughed, pulling him down for a light kiss. “Love you too.”  After three years of having to rely on Jensen’s fond glances and hesitant touches and the proof that was the compass on his nape, actually hearing the words from Stephen never failed to make Jared smile contentedly. “Love you,” he whispered.  Neither of them had tattoos yet, but until then, the words worked.   The apartment was empty in the afternoon, with Stephen out for groceries. Jared puttered about mindlessly for a while before finally sitting down and calling Sandy.  “Hey!” She greeted in her usual chirpy manner. “You don’t usually call at this time, what’s up?”  “Hey. So, uh…” He cleared his throat. “Stephen and I will be coming to Sacramento a week before Christmas.”  Her whole face lit up, visible even through a screen. “Seriously?! Oh my god, that’s great! How long you gonna be staying?”  “Only a week,” he admitted. “Stephen’s cousin is getting married, so I’m his date to the wedding.”  “Oooh,” she sounded teasingly. “That sounds serious.”  “Oh, fuck off,” he laughed. “Anyway, after Christmas, we’ll visit my folks, do New Year’s in Texas, then come back here.”  “That’s awesome, wait till I tell Chad,” she said with a grin. “I’ve been dying to meet this Stephen of yours.”  “Hey, promise to behave yourself,” he warned, only mostly joking. “By the way, is, uh…” He hesitated. “Is Jensen going to be there? Or is he visiting his family too at that time?”  Sandy’s face softened a little. “I’m not sure. We don’t exactly talk. Well, Chad does sometimes, I can ask him-”  “No, no, don’t.” Jared shook his head quickly. “It doesn’t really matter, I just… I don’t know why I asked.”  “He was your longest and most significant relationship,” she reminded gently. “It’s okay.”  He hummed, fiddling with the edges of the afghan on the couch. “He’s dating someone too, isn’t he? Danni, I think her name is?”  “Yeah. Danneel Harris, manager at some boutique downtown- they met when she heard him play with Chris and Steve one night. But it’s really more casual and open, definitely nothing committed.” She sounded almost like she was assuring him.  “Really? Huh.” He frowned, wondering why Jensen never mentioned that part. Jared had never been able to bring himself to ask either. “They look good together in the photos. Happy.”  “Oh, they get along great,” she confirmed. “Surprisingly so, considering this is Jensen Ackles we’re talking about. But it’s not anything close to ‘ love’ , you know? In fact, now that I think about it, I’m pretty sure it’s over because she’s been getting pretty cozy with some other guy. But that’s all photos on her Insta, so who knows?”  “Yeah…”  “But hey, you text me the exact dates of your flight, and I will be there to pick you and your boyfriend up!” Sandy ordered.  “Yes, ma’am,” Jared chuckled. “See ya, Sands. Love you.”  “Love you too.”  Jared’s fingers hovered over the screen still, opening up his texts to Jensen. The last one was from two days ago, with Jensen ranting about something Chris had done. Six months ago, Jared had removed the hearts from Jensen’s contact name. Four months ago, Jared’s anchor tattoo had turned almost entirely black.  Almost.   He should tell Jensen he was coming to Sacramento.  He shook his head, tossing the phone on the couch. No harm in a little surprise.

Jensen couldn’t stop smiling as he typed up an answer to the invitation sitting in his email account. He sipped his coffee distractedly, not noticing when Alona suddenly flopped down on the seat in front of him.  “Hey.”  “Hi.” She nodded at the laptop. “What’s got you all smile-y?”  “Just feels like a real good day,” he said with a shrug. “Singer’s offering me the chance to go up to New York for a conference the week after Christmas, on behalf of the company. Might actually get a chance to meet Kripke.”  “Kripke is…?”  “Big guy. Huge in architecture,” he reminded her. “Seriously, do you have memory problems? Because I know I mention him a lot.”  “Too much, if you ask me,” she teased.  “Anyway,” he said pointedly, shaking his head. “Anyway, Singer says this is basically a paid vacation, so I can bring someone along if I want. Which would be great, if I had someone to bring.”  “Awww, you poor single soul,” she simpered, batting her lashes.  Jensen rolled his eyes, kicking her feet under the table. “Fuck you.”  Her face softened, which was uncharacteristic. “When are you gonna start going out with someone again?”  “What, just so I could bring them to New York?” He laughed. “That’s stupid.”  “You know, I don’t get you,” she mused, propping her chin up on her palm. “You said Misha was a weirdo-”  “He really was,” he said with a shudder.  “-but what about Tom? Or Joanna?” Alona looked almost disappointed. “Did you even really try with them?”  “Why do you think I didn’t?” He asked, frowning. “It’s not my fault it didn’t work out.”  “But you’re not giving anyone a chance to try making it work,” she pointed out. “Even Danneel… Everyone thought you guys were perfect for each other.”  Jensen shrugged, nursing his coffee. “I thought so too. But it was too soon after Jared.”  “Jared had been gone for four months when you started dating her,” she said flatly. “And you were with her for only two. But it was there, you guys were great. And you just ended it anyway, because, what? You got freaked out-”  “She ended it,” he snapped- it wasn’t something he’d meant to say. None of his friends knew. But they’d been hounding him about it ever since the split, wanting to know why Jensen dumped a seemingly perfect girl.  Alona’s face had changed, from accusing to apologetic. “Oh, shit, I- I’m sorry… Why didn’t you tell us?”  He didn’t answer, not meeting her eyes.  Alona sighed, picking up her coffee-to-go as she stood. “I have to go. Bye, Jensen.”  “Bye, Al.” He watched her walk away, then his eyes went back to his laptop. And the day had been going so great, he thought sourly, finishing his reply to the invitation email.  “Sir, your coffee,” a server said, appearing at his side with a cup of black coffee.  Jensen muttered his thanks, taking a sip. The bitter heat made him hum approvingly, though a part of him fondly recalled Jared’s too-sweet preferences and the-  The door of the cafe opened, bringing a gush of winter air that made Jensen shiver. He ignored it, scowling at the cold, and then someone flopped into the seat across from him. Jensen looked up with a double take- his heart flipped, a familiar warmth coursing through his insides.

Jared smiled at him and Jensen stared dumbly, coffee halfway to his lips.  “You wanna take a picture?” Jared quipped. “I’ve heard those last longer.”  “Easily lost too,” Jensen replied, a second too late and his voice softer than it should be.  Jared’s smile brightened. “Hey, Jensen.”  “Hi,” he breathed out. “How are you- what are you doing here?”  “Just finished a project,” Jared replied. “Came down here for a vacation.”  “That’s… That’s good.” He felt lost for words, just looking at Jared, drinking him in.  Jared seemed to be a little pink from the scrutiny, but that might be the cold. “So, any particular reason you looked all grumpy when I walked in?” He asked, flagging a waiter.  “Uh, no, just… Nothing.” He tracked his eyes over Jared’s form, taking in the slightly longer hair, the lack of tan and… No new tattoos.  At least, none that Jensen could see. Which wasn’t saying much because most of Jared was covered by a jacket.  Jared glanced at him. “You, uh… You look good.”  “You too.” He took a deep breath, forcing himself to regain some sort of composure. “So, vacation, huh? When’d you get here?”  “Monday. We’re gonna be here for a couple more days, then do New Years’ in Texas,” Jared explained.  “Why come here at all?” Jensen asked.  He shrugged, biting his lip. “Stephen’s cousin is getting married. We’re invited.”  Stephen. Stephen Amell. Jared’s boyfriend. Who was apparently serious enough to warrant going to a wedding together.  Okay, then.  “Right,” Jensen said out loud, hoping he didn’t sound too torn. “So he’s here too?”  “Yep.”  Did that mean Stephen would be accompanying Jared to Austin? Would Jared be introducing him to his parents?  Jared’s coffee arrived and he grabbed for it with a happy sigh, taking a large swallow. “Paris has great stuff, but fuck, I missed the coffee here.”  “France knows better than to kill their citizens with diabetes,” Jensen shot back immediately.  “Black-souled heathen,” he muttered, cradling his cup protectively.  Jensen shook his head, laughing softly to himself. “It’s good to see you, man.”  “You too,” Jared agreed, tipping his head lightly. “I missed you.”   Did you? Jensen thought, bitter despite himself. “So, where’s your boyfriend now? I wanna meet him.” The words out before he could stop them.  “You do?” Jared looked almost surprised.  “Yeah, ‘course, I do.” Shut up, shut up, shut up. “Gotta check he’s treating you right.”  Jared actually blushed, rolling his eyes. “No way, forget it. You’ll just torment the poor guy.”  “No, I won’t!”  He scoffed. “Anyway, how’s your, uh… Girlfriend? Danneel, right?”  Jensen’s smile faded a little, Alona’s words ringing in his ear. “No, we… We broke up a while back.”  “Oh.” Jared frowned. “I’m sorry. You guys seemed… Good. From the photos, at least.”  “It wasn’t that serious,” he brushed off.  “Yeah, Sandy did mention that.”  Jensen paused, blinking at him. “You been keeping tabs on me, Jay?”  Another blush, though Jared just met his stare head-on. “Had to know if she was treating you right,” he mimicked.  “Touche.” He offered his cup and Jared tapped his own against it.  “So, a couple days left here, huh?” Jensen looked at him consideringly. “Got any plans?”  Jared just shrugged. “Wedding’s on the weekend. Stephen and I talked and we decided not to make any concrete plans, we’ll just go visit our respective friends. Hence, me being here.”  Jensen was so on board with that. “Chris and Steve are performing at our usual club on Friday. I was thinking of joining them.” A complete lie, because it had only occurred to him on the spot.  And worth it, to see Jared light up. “You’ll play?”  He just smiled.  “I’ll be there,” Jared promised.  “Good,” he said softly. “And… I’ll be leaving for Austin too the next morning so… Maybe I’ll see you there.”  “Yeah, I hope so,” Jared agreed. “Not sure how, because I’ll be showing Steph around, but…”  “No, yeah, I get it,” he said quickly. “Don’t worry about it.”  Jared looked at him wordlessly, eyes roving over Jensen’s features for a few long moments. “It really is good to see you, Jen.”  A small lump made an appearance in Jensen’s throat. “Yeah. You too, Jay.”  He stood slowly, looking slightly reluctant- or was that Jensen’s wishful thinking? “I have to get back. Promised Chad I’d visit.”  “Of course.” Jensen smiled up at him. “See you on the weekend.”  Jared smiled back widely. “Bye, Jen.”

“Hey, babe,” Stephen greeted absently, stretched out on the bed of their hotel room.  “Hey.” Jared flopped down on the plush armchair next to the balcony, staring blankly at whatever was playing on the TV.  “What’s wrong?”  “Hmm?” He blinked at Stephen, then quickly smiled, shaking his head. “No, nothing, just… Didn’t realize how much I’d missed everyone here until I actually saw them, you know?”  Stephen nodded in understanding. “Yeah, I know. I don’t think I’ve ever been so happy to see my little brother as I was today.”  Jared gave a small chuckle. “Yeah, let’s see how happy Meghan is to see me next week.”  They fell into comfortable silence, but Jared couldn’t stop going over his evening. Yes, it had been nice to catch up with Sandy and Chad, and he was looking forward to meeting the rest of his old friends at the club on Friday- but it was his meeting with Jensen that wouldn’t leave his mind.  Had it really only been a year? Jensen seemed so… Different. Softer, sweeter, easier with his smiles.  He’d been wearing a sweater- not much room for Jared to spot any new tattoos.  Could he possibly…?   No , he told himself. Don’t go there .  “You know we’ve only got about three days to get suits fitted, right?” Stephen spoke up.  Jared glanced at him. “Can’t I just wear the one I packed?”  He snorted. “You can, I guess, yeah. But I’m one of the groomsmen, so I need to go with my brother.”  “So… Tomorrow?” Jared asked.  “Tomorrow morning, yeah.”  Jared gave an exaggerated sigh. “Well, I was planning a 24 hour event for just you and me.”  “I know,” Stephen groaned. “Believe me, I’d rather spend the day with you.”  He chuckled. “Don’t worry about it. At least in Texas, it’s just my family, and then we can fuck off on our own for your sightseeing.”  “Deal.”  Jared went to sleep that night, listening to Stephen’s steady breaths, and woke up alone with a dull ache of disappointment.  Sitting up, he reached for his phone. Without quite realizing it, he opened up his chat with Jensen. There was a text from last night.
JACKLES

Got any plans tomorrow?

On-site supervisory trip to LA. Back by next day noon.

Save me from dying of boredom.
  That would be nice. Jared didn’t have any plans, as he’d told Jensen yesterday, and Stephen probably wouldn’t mind either…  Would he?  Jared had told him about Jensen. But he hadn’t mentioned going to the cafe last night in the hopes of bumping into the guy. It wasn’t like Jared had meant to hide it- Stephen simply hadn’t asked and Jared hadn’t volunteered the information.  Fuck.  Going to LA, where they’d had their first unofficial date, with Jensen was a very bad idea. Especially when a single face-to-face conversation left him melancholic and sentimental.  Jared didn’t want to find out what would happen if he spent more time with Jensen. It wouldn’t be anything good- for both of them, yes, but also for Stephen.  So. White lie, it was then.
JACKLES

Can’t. Going to get suits fitted.

Sorry :D

Let me know if you survive.          
  Guilt twinged up in his heart and Jared beat it back down ruthlessly; it was misplaced anyway.  Now what?  Jared looked around the hotel room, already feeling a sense of despondency kicking in.  With an annoyed sigh, he called Stephen. “Hey, where are you?”   “I told you, the suit fittings, ” Stephen said, then chuckled. “Don’t tell me you’re missing me already?”   “Absolutely not, you ass,” Jared snorted. “Just getting bored. Text me the address, I’ll join you guys.”   “And ogle me in different suits?”   “You know it,” Jared laughed, ending the call. It took half an hour for him to get breakfast on the go, taking a cab.  The boutique was downtown, on a street of similarly high-end establishments. Stephen greeted him with a grin, in the midst of being manhandled by his brother and a gorgeous redhead woman. She looked familiar at first glance, but Jared didn’t give her much thought, leering at Stephen instead.  “Well, don’t you look handsome?”  “Shut it,” Stephen warned laughingly.   "So, you're Jared, huh?" The other man asked appraisingly. "I'm Robbie."  "Hey…" He shook hands with him, looking him over. "Congratulations on the wedding."  "Thanks." He gave a wide, free grin that matched Stephen's. "You got your suit? Because this place has some great options if you need one."  "I'm good," Jared assured. He looked around and spotted a free stool, quickly sitting down. As he got comfortable, he became aware of the redhead woman staring at him.  She flushed when their eyes met and he felt that spike of recognition again.  The woman looked away, focusing on adjusting something on Stephen’s suit, and Jared studied the black tattoo on the back of her hand, nestled a little below her index finger. It was a music note- something about it nagged at Jared.  The fitting took a pretty long time, a couple more of Richard’s groomsmen coming in. Jared chatted with all of them, a little nostalgic from the easy camaraderie they shared with each other. The redhead hadn’t given him another glance.  “Lunch?” Stephen asked when they were all finished.  “I know a good place here,” Jared offered.  “Great. Gimme a sec, I’ll go pay.”  Jared watched him go, startling when someone cleared their throat behind him. He turned to find the redhead with a slightly pained look on her face.  “Uh…” He stared at her. “Sorry, do I…?”  “I’m Danneel Harris,” she stated simply.  The name was a thunderclap to his ears. He stared at her, dumbstruck gaze traveling down to the tattoo on her hand. The music note. Jensen. And it wasn’t actually all the way black yet- there was a hint of deep green at the top of it.  “You met him on a night when he happened to be playing at the bar,” Jared said slowly, mouth dry.  She didn’t reply immediately, her eyes roving over him, as if searching for a visible tattoo. Jared tugged self-consciously at the neck of his t-shirt- the blackened anchor on his chest felt as if it were burning.  “And you left him heartbroken,” she said.  The accusation made his jaw clench, hackles rising. “It was a mutual decision. I was just as miserable about it and-” He shook his head. “I’m sorry, where do you get off judging me for my relationship?”  Harris stared back at him without any reaction to his words. “Just don’t repeat it, okay? You’ve got a boyfriend now and you’re probably leaving again in a couple weeks- don’t mess with him.”  “Who the fuck are you-”  She turned and left, disappearing somewhere amongst the racks of clothing. Jared stared after her, fuming.  “Hey.” Stephen’s hand landed on his shoulder. “What’s wrong?”  “Just-” Jared stopped himself in time, taking a deep breath. It was nothing. That woman had no idea what she was talking about. Clearly.  “Nothing,” he replied to Stephen with the most genuine smile he could manage. “Ready to go?”  Stephen didn’t seem convinced, but he followed Jared out. “So, tomorrow’s Friday. Got any plans for before the wedding?”  Jared’s thoughts turned to Jensen again- not that they’d ever strayed too far. “Friends of mine are meeting at a club,” he offered hesitantly. “Some of them play on-stage. They’re pretty good.”  "You wanna go?"  "It'll be nice," Jared reasoned. "Catch up with everybody at once, have some fun. You can invite your friends too."  Stephen nodded along. "Sounds perfect, actually. As long as we call it an early night- we need to get to the wedding early the next day."  Jared gave an agreeing hum, and ignored the nagging voice in his head that questioned the wisdom of allowing Stephen and Jensen in the same four walls.

Jensen didn’t want to believe that Jared was avoiding him. But after turning down his invitation to LA and now being absent from the club, after specifically telling Jensen that he’d be there…  Well. Jensen felt a little rebuffed- so sue him if he was having a pre-show drink, something he usually avoided.  It was his own fault, he supposed, for hoping. After all, Jared had his own life now, a life completely separate from Jensen, and he had his boyfriend who he’d want to spend time with, of course, and-  “Yo!” Chris thumped his shoulder, making him curse and nearly drop the guitar. “Your boy’s here.”  Jensen almost dropped the guitar again in his hurry to follow Chris’ gaze. Jared was easy to spot, standing a head taller than anyone in his vicinity. He was looking down, talking to someone- probably, Sandy- and Jensen could make out Chad’s trademark blond spiked hair.  Jensen’s heart leapt up- Jared was here.   He grinned up at Chris. “When are we going on?”  Chris looked strangely troubled. “Ten minutes. You ready?”  “Definitely.” He downed the remaining whiskey in his glass.  The small club cheered as the three of them took the stage. Jensen beamed at their audience, seeking out Jared again.  Jared was looking back now and he was close enough to the stage for Jensen to see a tiny smile on his face, like he was proud. Any lingering shreds of doubt or stage fear Jensen might have harbored dissipated.  Music began filtering out from the speakers, Chris’ low crooning acting as their cue. Oh she's my baby Let me tell you why Hey, she drives me crazy She's the apple of my eye   Jensen’s fingers moved over the guitar strings effortlessly, starting to sing along. Their voices melded well together, always had, and Jensen took a second to look around at the whole club. Smiles all around, wide-eyed admiration, some couples entwined around each other and kissing. That made him look back at Jared. Hey, I love that little lady I got to be her fool   His blood was pumping loudly in his ears, almost in time with the music. Maybe that drink had been a bad idea after all, because there was a sudden overwhelming need to go to Jared, to sling an arm around his neck and whisper the lyrics into his mouth. 'Cause I get down on my knees Oh, I pray that love won't die   Jared was staring back, but the lights had dimmed now- Jensen couldn’t see his expression. Somehow, it didn’t make him anxious, just bolstered him; he stopped playing the guitar and took over the outro from Chris, lips brushing the mic and fingers wrapping around the stand. I don't care just where my darling is People I just don't care how far I'm gonna crawl   He closed his eyes, reveling in the fading echoes of the last note, as the club broke into scattered applause. When he looked again, it was just in time to see Jared slip out the back door.  Jensen rushed backstage, carefully setting down his guitar.  “You sure you wanna do that?”  He turned to find Chris watching him with a frown. “What are you talking about?”  “C’mon, man, don’t make me spell it out,” Chris sighed. “You’re running out back to talk to Jared. You sure that’s a good idea?”  “Why wouldn’t it be?” Jensen defended, feeling stupid before the words fully left his mouth.  “Because… I’m not sure it’s good for you, to be clear,” Chris spoke slowly. “And you gotta know that too, if you just stop to think for a moment.”  “I am thinking!” Jensen insisted. “And it’s fine, Chris, seriously- it’s a drink and a chat.”  “Jensen, you’re still in-”  “Please,” he sighed. “Don’t.” He didn’t stop to see the worry flash across Chris’ face and turned, leaving quickly.  Outside, the night was cold enough to make Jensen shiver. But it was easy to ignore when he spotted Jared, leaning against the wall. “Hey.”  Jared was already looking at him. “Hey.”  “Hey,” Jensen said again, feeling stupid immediately. He walked to him slowly, standing beside him, leaning against the wall.  “It was great to see you perform again,” Jared said after a moment of silence. “You were amazing.”  Jensen felt lightheaded, flushed. “Thanks.”  “Remember when Chris would have to drag you up on stage?” Jared snorted. “God, you’d literally try to kick and scream your way out of it, like a cat.”  “Come on,” Jensen laughed. “I wasn’t that bad.”  “Yes, you were!”  Jensen shook his head, smiling. “So you liked it?”  “You were amazing,” he repeated.  Jensen glanced at him. The brief silence felt heavy.   “I missed you.” The words slipped out without Jensen’s permission, quiet and soft.  Jared’s eyes glinted in the near-darkness. “I missed you too,” he said in the same tone.  Jensen sighed, feeling almost… Content. He leaned back against the wall too, shivering slightly. He’d forgotten his jacket in his hurry.  Jared noticed. “Do you want-”  “Jay, I‘m not a girl,” Jensen refuted through an eye-roll. “You don’t need to give me your jacket.”  “You’re an asshole,” Jared stated, making him wink. “I was asking if you want to go back inside.”  Jensen shook his head. “No, it’s… Do you wanna go?”  “Not particularly.”  “Me either.” Jensen shifted closer without meaning to, moving nearer to Jared’s warmth. “So… Wedding’s tomorrow, right?” He asked, for lack of anything else to say.  “It is, yeah.” Jared gave him a look. “Why?”  “Just asking.” Jensen shuffled awkwardly, remembering what Jared had told him of his schedule. “I’m leaving for Austin tomorrow.”  “You said.” Jared nodded. “We’ll be there the next day, maybe…”  “I’m going to New York the day after,” Jensen sighed, shaking his head. “Business proposal meeting on my boss’ behalf- it’ll take up half of the week.”  “Who’s the meeting with?”  “Kripke.”  Jared’s eyebrows shot up. “Eric Kripke? That big-shot architect you used to fangirl over?” At Jensen’s nod, he smiled widely. “That’s pretty big, Jen, congratulations.”  “Thanks,” he mumbled, pleased.  A cold burst of wind blew through the alley, making Jensen shiver again, shuffling in place again. He drew out a cigarette, already anticipating Jared’s groan.  “You still smoke?”  “Only sometimes!” Jensen defended, placing the end in his mouth. “I’ve been trying to cut back- shit, my lighter’s in my jacket.”  Before he could contemplate nipping back inside to grab it, Jared was suddenly lifting his hand, a tiny flame hovering over his fingers.  Jensen did a double take. “You carry a lighter now? Did you take up smoking out there in Paris? Because that’s-”  “Stephen smokes,” Jared mumbled, suddenly gone quiet and uncertain. “He’s really forgetful- I just started carrying a lighter myself for him.”  Jensen stared at him, struck silent. When he didn’t move, Jared raised his hand more, lighting the tip of his cigarette. Jensen could feel the heat of the flame and wished it gone- he wanted the warmth of Jared’s fingers on his skin.  Jared’s eyes glittered in the amber glow when he returned Jensen’s stare. For a long moment, they just looked at each other. It was the closest they’d been in over a year.  And Jensen felt certain, somehow, that if he leaned in for a kiss, Jared would too.  Cold wind blew past them again, dousing the flame.  Jared jerked back, gripping the lighter tightly. “I- shit, um… I should go.”  “Yeah,” Jensen mumbled, the tattoo on his chest suddenly burning. “I’ll… I’ll be leaving in a little while.”  “Yeah, and, Stephen’s waiting for me,” he added, looking more and more nervous with every word. “And the wedding’s tomorrow, we should be getting back too.”  Jensen decided to put him out of his misery. “Goodnight, Jared.”  Jared lingered for another moment. “Night, Jensen.” He turned and slipped back into the club without another word.  Jensen stood alone in the cold for five more minutes. Then he went inside too, heading backstage first to grab his jacket and guitar. Chris and Steve were getting ready for the next set, both of them giving him sympathetic looks.  Jensen ignored them. As he left, he caught a glimpse of Jared. And despite himself, he watched- Jared leaned against another man, smiling at the kiss on his cheek, laughing at something he said.  Was it Jensen’s imagination that Jared looked… Pensive? Melancholic? Was Jensen the reason Jared seemed to shift uncomfortably, hand rubbing at his chest?  There was no point in wondering. They’d both made their choices one whole year ago.  Jensen walked out.

The wedding was beautiful. Jared watched Stephen stand with the groomsmen, hiding a smile when his interest earned him a wink. The faint burning sensation of his chest had all but gone and Jared had mostly forgotten about his encounter with Jensen last night.  All that mattered was Robbie’s wedding and the way Stephen’s eyes darkened when he got close enough after the ceremony to properly take in how Jared looked.  “Beautiful ceremony,” Jared remarked casually.  “Mm hmm.” Stephen was eyeing Jared’s throat- he tipped his head back to take a larger sip of his wine. “You know, it’s a good thing I left the hotel room before you got dressed.”  “That so?”  “Yeah,” he faux-sighed. “There’s no way I would have made it on time. We’d have had to skip breakfast.”  “Perfectly sensible,” Jared agreed, grinning.  Stephen reached out, picking at the knot of his tie. “Robbie looks happy, doesn’t he?”  Jared glanced away for a moment, watching Stephen’s brother smile besottedly at his new wife. “Yeah, he really does.”  “Never thought he’d be the first to get married outta the two of us.”  Jared looked back at Stephen, surprised to find an entirely different emotion in his eyes. “Yeah?”  “Yeah. I was always the more romantic one.”  Jared nodded slowly, unsure where this was going. “Not that surprising actually. Sometimes, the people you’d least expect to fall in love quickly turn out to be secretly more of a sap.”  Stephen’s lips quirked up in a smile. “One falls first and the other falls hard?”  “Something like that,” Jared agreed quietly.  “Since everyone's preoccupied with the happy couple- wanna go back to the hotel?”  Jared shivered as Stephen leaned up, kissing the spot behind his ear. He ignored the part of him that wanted to question the whiplash change of conversation. “Yes please.”  Stephen took his hand, pulling him out of the church.  It took them ten minutes to get to their room. For ten minutes, Stephen didn’t let go of Jared’s hand.  The door locked behind them and he pushed Jared against the wall, kissing him… Tenderly.  Alarm bells rang faintly in Jared’s head- again, he ignored it in favor of winding his arms around Stephen’s waist, guiding them towards the bed. Stephen fell back first, and turned them around, cupping Jared’s face as they kissed again.  Jared relaxed under him, sliding his hands up. Suit fabric crinkled under his hands as he pushed the layers off, tipping his head back to let Stephen mouth at his neck.  He could feel the shakiness of Stephen’s breath, the way his hands tightened a little on Jared’s waist, as Jared’s own hands skimmed up his bare back.  “Steph, what’s wrong?” Jared asked, breaking the kiss. “You’re acting weird and…” He trailed off, staring at the tattoo on his boyfriend’s upper arm.  They hadn’t done more than kiss and cuddle since arriving in the States. They’d been too exhausted. And even before that, for almost a week, they’d been too busy making travel plans and packing.  Jared hadn’t seen Stephen without his arms covered in a fortnight.  That definitely hadn’t been there a fortnight ago.  Jared reached out, touching the small, beautifully intricate tattoo. It was a bird, its feathers a brilliant shade of blue, wings outstretched in mid-flight.  Stephen had gone quiet, eyes tightly shut. He pulled away slowly, shoulders tense.  Jared let his hand fall. “When?” He asked quietly.  “A couple days before our flight from Paris,” Stephen answered steadily enough. “You fell asleep on me watching some movie, like always, and I stayed awake, and…”  “Why didn’t you tell me?”  “Because I had a feeling that you don’t have one.”  Jared couldn’t refute that and inescapable guilt flooded him. He had no new tattoos and his most recent one still showed a speck of stubborn color that refused to go.  Why?  “Stephen.” That was all he could say. What else was there?  Stephen sighed, shaking his head with a rueful sigh. “It’s okay. I’ve had about 10 days to get used to it.”  “Maybe, in a little time-” Jared faltered when Stephen raised a skeptical eyebrow.  “Trust me, I’d want nothing more,” he said. “But Jay… I’m not blind. You don’t seriously think I’ve never noticed how that anchor on your chest still has some color to it?”   “That doesn’t have to mean anything!” Jared exclaimed, maybe a little harshly- but even as he said it, he knew it was a lie. “People can have two coloured tattoos.”  “I know,” Stephen agreed. “And I don’t doubt that you are perfectly capable of loving me even while you’re in love with someone else. But… You don’t.”  “I could!”  Stephen regarded him quietly, brown eyes turned liquid with hurt.  “I could,” Jared repeated in a whisper. “I could try.”  He smiled softly. “I’m not coming to Texas with you tomorrow.”  He wanted to argue, insist. He just nodded.  “I’m sorry,” Stephen added. “But… I don’t think I can spend a week around your family, sharing a bed with you, and just forget about… All this.”  “I know,” he mumbled.  Stephen sighed. “Can I… Is it okay if I spend the night here? I’ve already booked a flight back to Paris tomorrow night.”  Jared gave a bitter smile. “You knew you wouldn’t be staying.”  “I know you.”  Jared turned away, getting up. “Go ahead, go to sleep. I’m just gonna take a shower.”  He didn't look back as he closed the bathroom door. Instead, he stared at himself in the mirror, unbuttoning his shirt. The anchor on his heart was black as ink, but the smudge of green at the sharp tip felt like it was mocking him.  He turned away, stepping into the shower, half-wishing the water would rid the color. When he went back into the room, Stephen was on his side, his back turned to Jared.  Unfortunately, this meant the tattoo was visible.  “Is it okay if I lay down with you?” Jared asked softly, not knowing what he’d do if the answer was ‘no.’  But Stephen gave a nod and Jared climbed in behind him, laying on his back. The sparse inches between them felt vast.  Jared felt tired, yet his eyes refused to close, drawn again to Stephen’s marked bicep.  The bird was a blue jay.  “I got you, Jay bird,” Jensen teased, kissing his dimple.   Jared winced at the stab of pain and turned to face the opposite side, hoping sleep would come soon.

There was something surreal about opening the door of his childhood home and finding Jared standing there, looking entirely too solemn.  “What is it?” Jensen asked immediately, reaching for his hand.  Jared shifted back as casually as he could and he gave a smile that trembled at the edges. Jensen found his worry skyrocketing.  “Can I come in?” Jared asked softly.  “Of course…” He stepped back, letting Jared through. The house was empty right now- thank god- so he led Jared to the living room. “What’s wrong? What are you doing here?”  Jared didn’t seem to hear, turning his head this way and that to take everything in. “That’s new.”  Jensen glanced at the artwork his mother had hung on the wall. “Yeah, mom’s big embroidery project. Took her about six months.” He pushed away the thought that the last time Jared had been in his house, they’d been sequestered away in Jensen’s bedroom as often and as long as they could get away with.  Jared had taken to staring at him, blinking slowly. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t- I don’t know why I’m here. I just… Needed…”  Jensen sat on the armchair, leaning forward to lightly touch Jared’s knee. “Hey, you’re scaring me, man. Come on, what’s wrong?” Something else occurred to him. “Where’s Stephen?”  Like a trigger, Jared’s eyes welled up.  “Jared?! What’s-”  “He went back to Paris.”  “What? Without you? Why?” He felt his hackles rise without warning. “Did something happen? Did he-?”  Jared nodded blankly. “We broke up.”  “Why the fuck would he-?!”  “He got a tattoo.”  The words hit Jensen like a punch to the chest. Stephen had gotten a new tattoo. One of Jared.  “He’s in love with you.”  Jared winced, face screwing up tightly. “Before we came to the States. He didn’t tell me till last night.”  “And… You don’t…” Jensen held his breath.  Jared hesitated for a second, then shook his head.  Jensen was a horrible man for the sudden skip of his heart. He pushed the sensation back. “Are you okay?”  “I don’t know,” Jared sighed, sounding well and truly miserable. “I feel heartbroken, but I don’t really- I’m more guilty than actually sad. And that makes me feel worse.” He bent forward, head bowed into his hands. “I’m sorry for coming here, Jen, I just… I needed something…”  “Safe?” Jensen prompted quietly.  Jared looked up through his lashes. “Yeah. Safe. Something good.”  Jensen scooted forward awkwardly, then moved right over to the couch. Jared was leaning into him already and Jensen hugged him as tightly as he could in this uncomfortable position.  Jared’s exhale was shaky. Jensen knew without looking that his lips were tightly pursed together, trying not to cry.  “What am I supposed to do?” Jared asked in a whisper. “We live together- I have to be in Paris in a week too.”  Jensen didn’t have an answer. But… “Hey, listen,” he murmured, pulling back an inch. “Why don’t you come with me to New York?”  Jared stared at him. “What?”   Fuck. Well, no way to back out now. “New York,” he mumbled. “I, um… The business meeting? It’s only gonna take about four days, the meeting is on Thursday, and then we have the weekend free, it’s basically a paid vacation.” He tore his gaze away. “You don’t have to- I just mean- it might be a good way to distract yourself…"  “I’d like that,” Jared said quietly. “I can’t stand to be around my family right now. I don’t wanna be alone.” He gave him a tremulous smile. “If you’re sure I won’t be a bother, then-”  “You could never,” Jensen said automatically.  Jared’s smile grew more real, a soft gleam in his eyes. “Thank you, Jensen.”  The tattoo on his nape burned.

----- CHAPTER BREAK -----

Jared wasn’t looking forward to the flight landing. There was something calming about staring out the window with Jensen’s comfortable weight slumped against his side. He could feel the slightest tickle of hair against his neck, warm breath drifting over his collarbone- he didn’t dare turn to look though. His head was enough of a mess without seeing Jensen’s face lax in sleep, lips slightly parted like Jared knew they’d be.  Unfortunately, the plane did have to touch concrete at some point. Jensen shook himself awake, muttering an apology as he straightened in his seat.  “Fucking red-eye flights,” he grumbled.  “Coffee first thing?” Jared asked with a laugh.  “At the hotel,” Jensen decided. “I’ve got a meeting to get to.”  “So fast?”  He sighed, nodding. “New Year’s week, so I couldn’t get an earlier flight than this.”  “That sucks,” Jared said sympathetically. “How long’s the meeting?”  “It’ll end in time for lunch,” Jensen said, checking his phone.  Jared nodded, distracted now by the snow-clad city. He hadn’t been to New York before and one step outside the airport revealed almost overwhelming traffic.  Jensen cursed again under his breath, shivering lightly as he pulled his jacket tighter around himself. Jared laughed. “You’re from Texas, how are you this cold?”  “California spoiled me,” Jensen grumbled. “I’m not built for snow, damn it.”  “You’re hopeless.”  “Easy for you to say, you’re a fucking space heater.”  “Aww, baby, want help warming up?” He crooned- only when Jensen didn’t reply, cheeks turning a little pink, did Jared realize how flirty that sounded. Shit.  He opened his mouth to apologize, then thought better of bringing attention to it, silently flagging a cab instead. Jensen didn’t say anything else either, getting in and sticking close to the window.  Jared watched the streets crawl past- guilt twinged in his heart, Stephen’s tattoo flashing in front of his eyes. They hadn’t spoken since Stephen had left, slipping out of the hotel room quietly. Jared had been awake, feigning sleep, wishing he knew what to say or do.  They reached the hotel and Jensen’s first words were to order a coffee, while Jared got them checked in.  “Is it okay if I take first shower?” Jensen asked. “Since I need to get to the meeting…”  “Go ahead.”  It felt awkward, stilted, and Jared wanted to kick himself for making it so. Why couldn’t he ever keep a hold of his sanity around Jensen?  Slowly, Jared pulled his phone out. There were only a couple texts, both from the same person.
STEPHEN

Flight landed.

Gonna move back in with Jason for a while.
  Jared hadn’t replied yet; he didn’t know what he could say that wouldn’t cause more hurt. But he had to talk to him. Soon. At some point.  The sound of Jensen exiting the bathroom made him hurriedly put the phone down. Jensen didn’t seem to notice, dressed in just a shirt. Jared looked away quickly, hating how his eyes were drawn to the bow of Jensen’s legs.  “What are you gonna do while I’m gone?” Jensen asked, putting on the rest of his clothes.  “Probably go to bed,” Jared replied. “Haven’t gotten much sleep since…”  Jensen winced imperceptibly, but simply nodded. “You wanna meet up for lunch then?”  “Sure.” Jared deemed it safe to look again and turned back to Jensen. “I’ll look up some good places.”  “Great.” Jensen adjusted his tie and then grabbed his laptop bag. “See you in a couple hours?”  “See you.”  Jensen flashed him a small smile before walking out- Jared counted down from a hundred, then back up to two hundred. He lay down slowly, curling under the covers, and slowly dialed Stephen.  The slight crackle of the call being answered made him tense, but there was only silence on the other end.  “Stephen?”  “Yeah. Hey,” Stephen replied quietly.  Jared swallowed. “How… How are you?”  There was a hollow laugh. “As well as can be expected.”   Pain stabbed through his heart. “Steph,” he whispered. “I’m sorry.”  “I know. Doesn’t really help.”   “What can I do to make it better?”  “Short of miraculously falling in love with me?” Stephen snorted. “Not much.”   “I’m sorry,” Jared repeated, feeling utterly wretched and inadequate.  Stephen sighed. “Look… It’s not really your fault. I can’t be mad at you for not feeling a certain way about me.”   “You can be,” Jared tried. “I hurt you.”  “You didn’t know.” Stephen paused. “I am mad that you just kept pretending- and let me pretend- that you were ever gonna fall completely out of love with that ex of yours.”   Jensen. Why the fuck did everything go right back around to Jensen Ackles?  “He’s not part of this.”  “Don’t be stupid, of course, he is,” Stephen said sharply, a note of tension finally in his voice. “You think I didn’t realize who he was that night at the club? He was one of the singers, the one on the guitar. Probably everyone in that club could tell he was singing to you.”   Jared closed his eyes, shame making bile rise up his throat. Did Stephen also know that on that very night, after the performance, Jared had slipped out the back of the club only because he’d known Jensen would follow? Because he’d selfishly wanted Jensen to himself for a few minutes?  “Jared?”   “Stephen,” he choked out. “I swear to you- I am so sorry-”  “No, stop, stop apologizing! Fuck-” Stephen exhaled harshly, shakily, like he was holding back from sobbing. “Look- this is over. You and I- it’s not gonna go anywhere, we know that, right?”   Jared could only hum in agreement; if Stephen could keep from crying, then he had to as well.  “Right.” Stephen sounded choked up too. Had he hoped Jared would argue? “Well, then… Go after him.”   For a second, Jared didn’t understand. “What?”  “If you’re not gonna be in love with me, in favor of pining after some other guy,” Stephen explained slowly. “Then you can at least make it worth it. At least try.”   Jared stared at nothing, trying to comprehend. “He doesn’t… Feel like that anymore.”  “What?! Did you not hear what I said about-” Stephen broke off, cursing. “Shit, no, Jared, I’m not going to sit here and argue with you about whether your ex still has feelings for you or not. Either way- just. Fucking. Try.”   “Stephen-”  “Jared, I gotta go.” There was a note of finality to his words.  Jared swallowed, nodding to himself. “Take care of yourself, Stephen. I… I’m gonna miss you.”  “You too,” Stephen said quietly. “Bye, Jared.”   The call ended and left Jared in silence- he didn’t want to think about anything anymore. He set an alarm for an hour before lunch, pulled the covers over his head, and went to sleep.  Stephen was wrong, anyway.

Jensen stepped out of the meeting feeling pretty good about himself.  His elation flew higher when he found Jared waiting outside the building, coffee in hand and a smile on his face. “Hey.”  “Hey.” Jensen took the coffee gratefully, sighing as the heat touched his palms. It tasted perfect too, strong and hot enough to burn his tongue. “Perfect. You’re a lifesaver.”  “Don’t I know it,” Jared laughed. “How’d the meeting go?”  “Really good,” he replied happily. “Kripke’s got a hell of a poker face, but everyone else looked impressed. And I scored an invite to a New Year’s party.”  “What?! You’re kidding.”  “Nope.” Jensen pulled his phone out, showing him the tickets.  Jared shook his head. “Aren’t those supposed to be super exclusive or something?”  “Yeah. You wanna go?”  “Obviously.” Jared sipped at his own coffee, looking around. “But right now, I want lunch. A mini-quiche at the hotel does nothing for my stomach.”  “Your stomach is a bottomless pit,” Jensen pointed out. “You said you were gonna look up some places to eat?”  Jared shot him a look and led him down the streets. It was a short walk, rounding the corner and coming right up to a restaurant that looked bigger in its emptiness.

“Figured we’d be more comfortable with a smaller crowd right now,” Jared explained.  “Good choice.” Jensen slid into a seat next to a window, flexing his stiff fingers to try and rub the cold out of them, the coffee already finished.  Jared started leafing through the menu. “Y’know, Jen, there’s this wonderful thing called gloves.”  “Yeah, you try giving a presentation with those on,” he grumbled, pulling the menu from Jared’s hands to place it on the table, angling it so they could both see.  Jared had taken his own gloves off and his fingers now brushed against Jensen near the edge of the menu, warmth seeping into his skin, up his arm, almost as if it was trying to reach the tattoo hidden under layers of clothes. It only made Jensen shiver more and he wavered between the urge to move away or properly fold their hands together.  After a minute of perusal, Jared huffed. “Screw it, I’m too tired to decide. Pizza?”  “You know me so well,” Jensen teased and looked up. The waiter taking their order down didn’t even register, because suddenly, Jared’s face had turned solemn. “What’s wrong?”  Jared shrugged, shaking himself and offering a tight smile. “Nothing.”  “Jared.”  He sighed. “Spoke to Stephen.”  Jensen tried not to tense up. “Oh.” He let the silence linger for a while, uncertain. “What did you guys talk about?”  “He’s staying with a friend for a couple weeks,” he murmured. “Time enough for me to go back, pack up my shit, and move out. The apartment is in his name, so…”  “I’m sorry,” Jensen said quietly, feeling horribly inadequate.  Jared didn’t reply, staring at the table. A few strands of hair fell past his ears, making him look younger, and Jensen felt a sudden stab of nostalgia for the 22-year-old he’d fallen in love with. Almost four years since then and now… Jensen didn’t know how he was so sure that he still knew this new person sitting in front of him. But he was. And he did.  Slowly, he reached forward, tangling his fingers into Jared’s. “Hey.”  Jared looked up, tired.  “Forget about him for now,” Jensen said quietly, hoping he wasn’t being too selfish. “You’re here, on vacation… With me… Just enjoy it. You can worry about that mess when you go back to Paris.”  Jared held his gaze, nodding slowly. “Yeah. yeah, I guess. No point in beating myself up over it now, right?”  “You shouldn’t beat yourself up at all,” he replied sharply. “Jared- you can’t help that you’re not in love with him.” Selfish, selfish, selfish-   Jared tipped his head, a curious frown creasing his brow. “He said something similar.”  “Well, he’s not wrong.” Loathe as Jensen was to admit it.  Jared sighed. “You’re right. I’m sorry. Not gonna bring him up again. I’m gonna have fun and enjoy New York.”  “Atta boy,” Jensen grinned. The waiter arrived, placing a large dish right in between them. “And it starts with awesome pizza.”  “Damn right,” Jared said with a soft laugh, as they each took a slice. “So, in light of making the most of our trip: what say we hit up some of the museums here?”  Jensen raised a teasing eyebrow. “Like old times?”  “Like old times.”

“That is your fourth coffee this evening.” Jensen was staring at him with a mildly horrified expression. “Don’t you think it maybe shouldn’t have all those added sweeteners?”  Jared hopped in place, then paused to take a sip of his Dark Chocolate Coconut Iced Coffee. “I don’t know what that’s supposed to mean.”  Jensen huffed, leaning against the elevator wall. His eyes were half-lidded, tired from walking around museums all evening, and there was a fond smile on his face.  Jared’s heart beat a little faster against his ribs- he turned away, taking another sip to hide his face.  They reached their floor, stepping out together towards their room.  “Ready to go to bed or a nightcap?” Jensen asked.  Jared shrugged. “Nightcap sounds good. I saw the wine selection in the menu, they have that fancy red you like.”  “Awesome.”  Jensen’s fingers brushed against his as he reached for the key- Jared tucked his hand into his pocket.  Jensen didn’t seem to have noticed, entering the room first and reaching for his suitcase.  Jared stared at him, pulling his own night clothes out of his bag. Was this all in his head? It had to be. Jensen couldn’t have feelings for him still. And even if he did…  “What’s going on under all that hair?” Jensen asked.  “Just thinking about something Stephen told me,” Jared replied without much thought.  Jensen faltered in the midst of taking off his shirt and Jared froze with one hand reaching down to his jeans. They stared at each other, struck dumb.  Jared felt hot all over, wrong-footed; he was suddenly very aware of the way Jensen’s shirt was parted open till halfway down his chest, and in the bright hotel room lights, he could easily make out the smattering of freckles.  He remembered, all too clearly, the countless times he’d kissed his way down that same pale expanse of skin, mapping those same freckles with his tongue.  Jensen’s eyes were lowered. There was no mistaking it for shyness, not when Jared could see the way he swallowed, the shine of his parted lips as he exhaled shakily. Jared’s cock twitched at the stare.  “I’ll change in the bathroom!” He managed in a strangled voice, yanked back to consciousness by the arousal tugging low in his gut. He didn’t pause to hear Jensen’s response, just dashed into the bathroom with his clothes and slammed the door closed, locking it for good measure.  “Fuck,” he whispered, bracing his hands on the edge of the sink. “Fuck, fuck, fuck…”  The tattoo on his chest was burning again. Jared’s fingers fumbled over the buttons, practically shoving the shirt off himself. Was it his imagination or had the green smudge of the anchor spread? Was that a hint of gold around the chain link or just the amber lighting reflected off the mirror?  “Fuck,” he repeated, groaning this time.  He couldn’t do this. He couldn’t fall in love with Jensen. Not again. Not when Jensen was so close to getting his dream job with Kripke and Jared himself still had so much to do in Paris.  He couldn’t…  “Jay?” Jensen called softly, knocking at the door.  Jared jumped a little. “Y-yeah. Out in a minute.” Maybe that coffee really had been a bad idea because his heart refused to slow down. He tried to control his breathing at least, desperately willing the flush on his cheeks to go down as he got dressed. He stalled as much as he could in the bathroom, while also stubbornly ignoring his half-hard cock.  They should probably take a raincheck on the nightcap too.  When he finally stepped out, the lights were turned off and Jensen was on the bed, curled up into himself. Jared’s only thought was that this would be a lot trickier than he anticipated.  There was only one bed.  “Sorry,” Jensen’s voice carried in the darkness. “Never occurred to me to change the room.”  Why? Because they were still somehow used to sleeping together or because he’d genuinely forgotten due to Jared’s last-minute presence?  Jared pushed the question out of his mind and carefully got in the bed. It was big, but he and Jensen weren’t exactly small. Even lying flat on his back, Jared could feel Jensen’s knee brush against his thigh. He decided to turn on his side too- a mistake, because now, Jensen’s face was only a few inches from his own.  “Sorry,” Jensen repeated.  “It’s okay,” he replied in the same tone.  Jensen’s eyes tracked over his face- Jared wanted to ask what he was searching for.  “I thought you loved him.”  Jared swallowed, nodding slightly. “I thought so too. Kept thinking the tattoo would show up any day now.”  Jensen seemed to not know what to say. His eyes were fixed on some invisible point between them. “I’m glad you came to see me.”  “Me too,” Jared whispered. “Guilty, but… Glad.”  “Guilty?”  Jared bit his lip, trying not to feel ashamed or weak. “Felt like… Like I was cheating.”  “You’re not, though.” Jensen sounded almost bitter. “You two are over and… So are you and I.”  Jared stared at him again, something in him aching. “Yeah,” he breathed out. “We’re over.”  “We’re… Yeah…” Jensen’s eyes shone green, unconsciously mirroring Jared by biting his own lips too. “Jared…”  He didn’t hear what was said next- Jensen spoke the remaining words into his mouth and Jared had no idea how to reply but in kind. Jensen’s lips were as soft as he remembered, clean-shaven skin under his hesitant palm. For a few moments, nothing else mattered to Jared except the taste of black coffee on Jensen’s tongue.  “Jay bird,” Jensen sighed, fingers shyly skimming up Jared’s forearm.  The blue jay tattoo on Stephen’s arm flashed in front of Jared’s eyes. The nickname that had meant I love you and Never leave me and You’re my everything and all other sweet promises, wrapped up in those two words.  Jared’s heart felt like it was breaking all over again. His tattoo stung and he could almost imagine the color spreading. What was he doing?!  He pulled away.  Jensen didn’t chase him, but he didn’t meet his eyes either.  “I can’t,” Jared said, shaky. Not until I know you won’t let me go again.   “I’m sorry,” Jensen said for the third time that night.  Jared turned away, his back to Jensen. The wallpaper was an interesting pattern, subtle gold embellishments against mahogany. He stared at it until he fell asleep.

The next two days were the most excruciating two days of Jensen’s life. He and Jared had stepped into some kind of stalemate-slash-game of chicken. They couldn’t seem to stop touching each other in light, casual caresses that were anything but. Jensen had noticed Jared sneaking glances at him more than once- sometimes shy and hopeful, sometimes hurt and scared. Jensen himself couldn’t stop from looking back, fighting the urge to either fuck him senseless or beg him to… What?  To stay with him? To stop looking at him in ways that gave Jensen hope? To love him again? Jensen had no doubt that Jared’s anchor tattoo had long since turned black, even if he didn’t have a new one for Stephen.  But then why had they kissed? Granted, Jensen had been the one to initiate it, but Jared had kissed back. Jensen could never have mistaken that.  And if, by some miracle, Jared did still have some feelings for him, then Jensen knew what he wanted to do. The thought had occurred pretty suddenly to him, no buildup whatsoever, but it was clear and resolute: Jensen wanted to try again. He was ready to move his whole life over to Paris if that was what it took. He just wanted Jared back. If Jared would have him.  What would he say if he knew Jensen’s compass was still as vibrant and beautiful as the day he’d gotten it?  It didn’t help that Jensen had now spent three nights in a row falling asleep next to Jared, close enough to feel his breaths and the brush of their hands or legs. For three mornings in a row, he’d been waking up to the sight of Jared’s tousled wet hair and small smile as he held out Jensen’s coffee. There shouldn’t be anything too insanely attractive about that, but it was Jared; so, subsequently, Jensen jerked off in the shower to vague-as-possible fantasies of warm hands, long hair between his fingers, and coffee-flavored kisses.  Fuck’s sake, he really was turning pathetic.  But at least it was the last night. They were at the party, they’d be back in Texas the next afternoon, and then Jared would board a flight to Paris. Far, far away from Jensen. Again. Unless Jensen managed to find the guts to talk to him.  Jensen pushed that thought away too, focusing on his champagne. Jared had, somehow, charmed a few of the people from Kripke’s meeting earlier in the week and was chatting with them happily, while they gazed up at him in a state of slight awe. He was dressed simply- a fitted black shirt and a hoodie unzipped halfway and a carefree grin on his face. He looked perfect.   Jensen couldn’t help smiling at the fluffy pink boa around his neck and the giant sunglasses pushed up onto his head, both of which he’d snagged from the prop table at the entry.  “Mr Ackles.”   Jensen startled, turning to see Kripke standing close to him. “Sir?”  “I’ve spoken to your boss,” he said casually. “We’ve decided on a meeting to discuss some possible projects. Would you be interested in being a part of that?”  Jensen felt his eyes go wide and nodded quickly, trying to seem composed and sober as he pushed off the rooftop barrier he was leaning against. “Uh, yes. Yes, sir, that’d be great. Thank you.”  The other man nodded too. “Singer said you’d be happy to join. We’ll discuss things at the end of January. I hope to finish at least three projects in the coming year, so you might be working with any one of three teams.”  “Yes, sir.”  “Some of them might be outside of your home state,” Kripke warned. “But long term projects allow for more flexibility so you’ll be given assistance in finding accommodation for yourself and your partner.”  Jensen was nodding along, but then paused. “My… Partner?”  Kripke raised an eyebrow, nodding towards Jared and his group of admirers. Jensen followed his gaze, heart suddenly stopping in his chest as he watched Jared laugh at something, eyes crinkled close and dimples visible even from here. One of the men had an arm around his shoulders, looking incredibly smug. He was older, bearded, and unfortunately really attractive. Something-Morgan.  Jensne’s grip tightened around his glass. “Thank you, sir,” he said politely, forcing his attention back to Kripke.  “Good to have you on board, Mr Ackles. Happy New Year.”  “Happy New Year, sir,” Jensen mumbled.   Kripke left and he stared down at his champagne, leaning against the railing again. He’d done it. His dream job, under one of the best architects in the West, and if he was lucky, he might even be leading the project.  After almost six years of waiting…  “Hey!” Jared’s breathless voice was close, a hand slapping briefly against his shoulder. “You done being a wallflower yet, Ackles? Half of these people are in your line of work, you should mingle, you might be working with them soon-”  “I will be,” Jensen said with a slow smile.  Jared fumbled, staring, his cheeks looking slightly flushed. “What?”  Jensen used his glass to point across the room. “Kripke just came and talked to me. Said he wants me in one of his projects.”  “Seriously?!”  “You think I’d joke about this?” He frowned. “Unless I’m drunk enough to have hallucinated the whole thing.”  “No- that’s great, Jen!” Jared exclaimed, excited, hugging him tightly. “That’s so awesome, you got it, you’re in!”  “I’m in,” he agreed happily, leaning into the hug. “Which means I can now continue with getting wasted.”  Jared snorted. “Way ahead of ya.” He pulled back and flagged a passing waiter, replacing Jensen’s empty glass with a full one and grabbing one for himself. “Cheers.”  Jensen clinked their glasses together and took a sip. He really was drunk- more than he realized- because he couldn’t look away from Jared’s drunken-bright eyes and pinker-than-usual lips.  “You did it,” Jared repeated after a few seconds, softer.  “We both did,” he said, remembering the conflicted joy on Jared’s face the day he’d gotten invited to Europe. The day they’d decided to split.  Jared looked conflicted now too, the giddy joy vanished. He breathed in deeply, almost squaring his shoulders.  “What is it?” Jensen asked quietly. He had a feeling he knew, but his thoughts were spinning around too fast.  Jared opened his mouth to answer-  A sudden cacophony of cheers started. Both of them jumped, looking out from the rooftop to see the timer start its countdown, with the huge glittering ball suspended over it.  Jensen glanced aside, found Jared biting his lips now, staring at the slowly descending ball.  “Jay?”  He looked at him, something in his eyes that Jensen couldn’t decipher, too lost in haziness and a cloud of love and longing.  The screaming got steadily louder, as they reached the 30-second mark.  Jared was teetering on the edge of something, but Jensen couldn’t tell what. He reached out, gripping Jared’s hand on the railing, wanting to offer assurance.  Jared tangled their fingers together. The timer reached the 10-second mark. Crowds started counting down.  Jared was staring at him now, his shaky exhales visible in the frosty air. “This might be the last time I…”  “Don’t say that,” Jensen whispered, but he wasn’t sure if he was audible. All he knew was that he wanted to ask Jared to stay, ask him right now if he wanted Jensen or not.   5, 4, 3…    This time, Jared leaned in, lips meeting Jensen’s harshly. Jensen kissed back, not taking a single second to think or hesitate, clutching at the lapel of Jared’s hoodie. Jared made a sound that was almost a groan, his hand hooking around the back of Jensen’s neck, and fuck, that almost hurt, the way his fingers fit right over the compass, the tattoo burning more painfully than ever. Dimly, Jensen could hear people celebrating the New Year, but it was all muted, fading into the background, and he couldn’t even feel the cold anymore, just pushed closer into Jared’s warmth.  When they broke apart to breathe, Jared didn’t let him move too far, their lips still touching.  “Can we go back to the room, please?” Jared asked.  Jensen was tugging him towards the exit before the words were fully out. There were cabs already lined up, and Jensen barely thought before shoving Jared into one, biting out the name of their hotel.  The driver muttered something that sounded like a curse, and Jensen stopped kissing Jared in favor of decency. Jared allowed it, but only because his hand suddenly dropped down to Jensen’s crotch, palming his cock through the denim. Jensen couldn’t hold back a shocked moan, dropping his head onto Jared’s shoulder, biting in retaliation.  Jared chuckled, but didn’t move his hand much more than a steady pressure to keep him hard- not that it was required. Jensen couldn’t think of much more than pinning Jared to the bed and finally tasting that tantalizingly bronze skin he’d been teased with flashes of for three days.  They reached the hotel mercifully quickly. Jensen handed the driver some cash and forgot to wait for change, grabbing Jared’s hand and dashing inside. The lobby was empty, most people busy watching the festivities. Jared dragged him into the elevator and kissed him again. Jensen pushed him against the wall, growling at the hoodie impending his progress, before he could finally touch warm skin and hard muscle. He relished that feeling for a few seconds, slowing down.  Then the elevator stopped on their floor. Once again, Jared led them out, getting the door open in record time. Inside, Jensen didn’t waste a second. With another rough kiss that tasted of expensive champagne, he dropped to his knees, yanking Jared’s jeans down. He didn’t bother with teasing or artifice, just pulled his boxers down too and took Jared’s cock in his mouth.  Jared’s surprised yelp was loud in the dark room. His hand settled in Jensen’s hair, almost tugging, and Jensen felt a burst of smug pleasure as he sucked him off, tongue dipping into the slit to make him whimper.  “Shit, no, not so fast,” Jared whined, trying to pull Jensen up. “Jen, please…”  The drunken slur to his words was hotter than it should be and Jensen resisted the urge to keep going. But he didn’t want this over so fast either. So he obliged, pulling off with a last scrape of his teeth that drew another gasp.  He got to his feet and Jared kissed him again, walking him backwards to the bed. Jensen fell on it first, then scrambled to bring Jared closer with a hand around his waist. He couldn’t help a pleased smile as he felt strong muscles under his palm and the familiar dip of Jared’s spine. He also realized they were still mostly dressed.  “Clothes,” he muttered against Jared’s lips. “Off- get them fucking- come on, take ‘em off-”  Jared was already working on it, leaning back to take his shirt off. Jensen got distracted by tracing the grooves of his abdomen and Jared shivered at the touch, before losing patience and pulling Jensen’s clothes off as well.  Jensen turned them around, leaning down to lick a line over Jared’s neck and collarbones. He bit down, and Jared made a soft keening sound that sounded like Jensen’s name, making his heart double-flip in his chest. He continued kissing his way down, couldn’t help pausing to lick over peaked nipples. Jared shuddered, breathing shakily, as Jensen nosed lightly at his navel, following his treasure trail down to the base of his cock.  “Jensen, please,” Jared whispered, sounding wrecked. “Too drunk, s’not gonna- just wanna feel you.”  Who was Jensen to argue?

Jared was good with hangovers. They never affected him too much. So the second he woke, he knew exactly what had happened and where he was before he even opened his eyes.  He kept them stubbornly closed though, taking stock instead. There was a warm body pressed along his side, a heavy arm slung over his waist. The blankets were tangled between their legs and he could feel the slight prickle of stubble against his neck.  Jared turned his head slightly, breathing in the scent of Jensen’s product-free hair. But he only allowed himself a few seconds, before carefully freeing himself from Jensen’s loose embrace, turning away and sitting up. Only then did he open his eyes, staring at the opposite wall. He got up, grabbed a few clothes at random from his bag, and slipped into the bathroom.  The shower felt good, clearing his thoughts. But it didn’t help. He was only delaying the inevitable.  When he looked into the mirror, he couldn’t even feel any surprise.  There was his tattoo, every speck of black ink turned green and gold, every detail of the anchor obvious and unmissable, with a hickey turning dark blue right near the base.  His worst fears had been right. Stephen had been right. Jared had never been completely over Jensen, he never would be. And now… He was in love with him. Again.  He swallowed back the lump in his throat, buttoning up his shirt. Taking a deep bracing breath, he stepped out of the bathroom. And promptly froze.  Jensen was lying on his stomach now, curled round Jared’s abandoned pillow. The curve of his spine was beautiful, just as Jared remembered from when he would leave bite marks down the whole length of his back. His skin seemed to almost shine with the sunlight falling through the windows. His strong thighs, the bow of his legs, the swell of his ass…  But none of that was what caught Jared’s attention. It was the compass on Jensen’s nape- a perfect partner to his anchor and just as brightly colored.

For a few seconds, Jared felt like he was soaring, his heart light and happy, possibilities swirling inside his head- then it all came crashing down again.  It didn’t matter how they felt. Jared wasn’t coming back to the States anytime soon. Jensen was finally getting his dream project, he would never give that up to move to Paris. And he would never agree to long-distance, to waiting…  Jared touched his tattoo over the shirt. He couldn’t tell Jensen. However much it would hurt to lie that he didn’t feel the same way anymore, it would hurt Jensen more to have to dash Jared’s hopes.  He still remembered, a year ago, how miserably guilty Jensen had looked after they’d agreed to split. Jared didn’t want to put him through that.  He wiped a hand over his face and set about packing their stuff and ordering breakfast to the room. They had a flight to catch soon, and the task kept him busy, keeping his mind from wandering to the bites that throbbed on his chest and hips, the soreness of his thighs, and the impending dread of what awaited him in Paris.  Finally, he couldn’t put it off any longer. Slowly, he sat on the edge of the bed and shook Jensen awake with a hand on his shoulder.  It was painfully entrancing to watch him return to consciousness. Turning into Jared’s touch- brow furrowing when the light hit his face- tongue flicking out against his dry lips.  His eyes slowly opened and Jared held his breath as those gorgeous greens he used to wake up to every morning now smiled up at him.  Then realization struck Jensen’s face. The smile dropped and he inhaled sharply. Warily, he sat up, scooting a little away from Jared. His gaze was downcast now. His hand lifted subconsciously to rub the back of his neck, his tattoo.  “S’pose it’s too much to hope you didn’t see it?”  “I’m sorry,” Jared whispered.  Jensen glanced up, taking in the shirt Jared was wearing, a hoodie thrown over it, hiding the anchor.  His lips curled up bitterly. “Yeah. Guess I can’t blame you for wanting to hightail it out of here.” He gave a pointed look at the cleaned room.  Jared internally flinched- Jensen had assumed the absence of any color on his chest. Jared wouldn't have to lie, just let Jensen believe his own misconception.  It was horrible. But…  “I’m sorry,” he repeated.  “It’s not your fault.” Jensen looked away again, face blank. “Like I said ‘fore: can’t help how you feel about someone. Or not feel.”  Jared just nodded, picking at the plain white bedsheets. “I just… Don’t think there’s any point.”  Out of the corner of his eye, he saw Jensen flinch. “Right. Not worth it.”  “Right,” Jared echoed. “You’ve finally got what you wanted with Kripke… I’ve got Paris still…”  “I know.” Jensen rubbed the back of his neck again. “This doesn’t matter in the face of that.”  “You can move on,” Jared told him in a soft voice.  Jensen’s face grew even stonier. “You think I haven’t tried?”  The snap made Jared’s guilt deepen. “No, no, I- I’m sorry-” He paused, mulling the words over. Did Jensen mean that… His tattoo had never turned all black either? Had it lost even a little color? Had he never stopped loving Jared all this time?  He shook himself. “I didn’t mean it like that. Just… I hope you do move on, Jen.”  “Trust me, so do I,” Jensen muttered with a humorless laugh.  Jared didn’t know what to say. He looked away, staring at the breakfast that had just arrived. “I ordered sausages and omelets.”  “You packed my stuff too?” Jensen asked at the same time.  They stared at each other for a few seconds.  Something in Jensen’s eyes seemed to shatter. He took a deep breath. “Jared-”  “I’m going for a walk!” Jared choked out and pushed away from the bed, almost running from the room.  He didn’t know why he’d packed Jensen’s stuff too. He hadn’t even realized. It was instinct, pure and simple. One year apart and then it only took less than a week to fall back into old habits.  Jared needed to let go. Maybe then, Jensen would too.

The last Jensen saw of Jared, they’d landed in Texas and Jeff had been waiting in the airport to pick up his little brother. Jared had lingered, long enough for Jensen to consider hugging him- kissing him- anything to make him stay, but then he’d said ‘goodbye’ in a tight voice, not even looking at Jensen, and walked away.  That had been a month ago. Jensen hadn’t thought about him since then.  He’d thrown himself into work, focusing on staying on top of everything so he didn’t miss the chance to work on Kripke’s plans. Nothing was confirmed yet, but he’d heard from the rumor mills that one of the projects was the renovation of a bridge.  For some reason, that idea appealed to the artist in him. Jensen could close his eyes, picture graceful sweeping arcs or strong broad iron frameworks, and feel a spark of excitement, feel something other than crushing loneliness.  The tattoo on his nape stayed as stubbornly colored as ever. Jensen didn’t need to look at it to know. Jared had taken a photo of it once, to show him, and the image had emblazoned itself into his head: the compass pointing North, the blue feather threaded through the needle, the blue and green hues blending in a way that made it look gold…  Jensen groaned in frustration, tugging hard at his own hair. The pain made everything regain clarity, his eyes stinging hot for a few seconds. When it cleared away, he pushed through the door of the cafe, making his way to his usual booth.  It was empty at this time, so a waiter appeared almost immediately. “Sir, your order?”  Jensen didn’t even think much, just gave his usual selection. “Uh, double decker sandwich, a black coffee with no sugar or cream, a salted caramel latte,” he mumbled.  She nodded, jotting everything down. Jensen opened up his laptop, scrolling through digital blueprints that needed to be sent to Singer, work emails, and anything else that kept his mind from wandering.  It worked. For a little while.  “Well, well, well,” a nasally voice drawled from across him. “If it isn’t Eeyore Ackles moping in the same old coffee shop.”  Jensen closed his eyes. “I don’t wanna talk to you, Murray. Not in the mood for your bullshit.”  “When are you ever?” Chad snorted, dropping into the second chair.  “Never,” Jensen clarified, glaring.  “Tough.” He leaned forward, trying to peek at the laptop screen. “What’cha doing? Mooning over Jared’s pics?”  “I thought we were past this,” Jensen snapped. “He’s gone, we’re not together, and I’m over him.”  “Look, buddy, he tells me everything. He told me what happened in New York.”  Jensen swallowed back the lump in his throat, flashes of that night passing through his vision. “That was nothing.”  “Nothing?” He repeated, blue eyes alight with incredulity and contempt.  “Yes.”  “Jesus fuck,” he muttered, shaking his head. “You’re so fucking dense.”  “Excuse you-”  “Sir, your order,” the waitress said, appearing. She placed the sandwich and the coffee in front of Jensen and then a second cup in front of Chad.  Chad blinked. “You ordered two coffees for yourself? You’ve got a problem.”  “I didn’t-” He shook his head. “Probably a slip of the tongue. Maybe she misheard.”  Chad peered into his cup, then raised an eyebrow. “Really?”  Jensen didn’t like the mischievous glint in his eyes. “Really what?”  “A caramel latte? Didn’t take you for the sweet tooth type of guy.”  Jensen froze, staring at the cup Chad was pushing towards him. “I didn’t…”  “Fucking dense,” Chad said again, as if to emphasize his point, and stole Jensen’s black coffee.  Jensen didn’t even notice. He’d ordered Jared’s favorite drink. That hadn’t happened since… Well, since they’d broken up in this very cafe. He’d never slipped up like that. It was stupid.  “Jared didn’t want to risk you turning him down again,” Chad said, drawing his attention. The earlier amusement was gone now, replaced by a stern look on his face. “He didn’t want to open himself up to trying and have you say the same things as last time. That you can’t do long distance, can’t trust it, or whatever crap you came up with.”  “It wasn’t crap,” Jensen defended weakly. “I was worried that if we’re so far apart… He’d find someone else. And I was right. He did. He and Stephen-”  “Stephen only happened because Jared didn’t know you were still an option,” Chad snapped. “You really think he’d have looked twice at anyone else if you guys hadn’t broken up? Hell, if you’d even told him that you’d changed your mind, he’d have nipped the thing with Stephen in the bud before it got too deep. And you know why?”  Jensen was starting to feel fairly sure he did know, but… “Why?”  Chad threw his hands up in the air, hissing in frustration. “It’s like talking to a brick wall. Go figure it out yourself, Ackles. I’m out.”  Jensen didn’t stop him, just watched him leave with Jensen’s coffee.  He took a deep breath, staring blankly at his laptop for a few seconds. Nothing registered, until the latest email from his boss caught his eye, with Kripke’s projects in the subject line.  He couldn’t even feel excited. But he needed the distraction before he did something stupid, so he opened the mail. Fucking Chad, putting ideas in Jensen’s head that had no business being there.  Kripke was even more impressed with Singer’s vision for their collaboration. He was willing to offer them the opportunity to put together their own teams for all three projects.  See? Even the universe wanted Jensen to move on with his life. It didn’t matter what he felt or what Chad was trying to imply. Even if Jared did feel the same way, he’d chosen not to tell Jensen. He’d chosen to leave.  Singer was giving Jensen first choice on which of the three projects he wanted. The attached document was long, with quite a few pages dedicated to the details of each one.  Trying to bring back the impressions of a bridge, Jensen scrolled until he found it and-  Pont des Arts. Paris.  A strange silence echoed in Jensen’s ears. Paris. A bridge in Paris. A complete repair work. Starting in a week. Lasting almost 3 months.  The fucking universe.  Jared.  Jensen looked at the latte kept beside the laptop. Feeling almost calm, he lifted it, taking a sip. It was too sweet, making him cringe.  He’d tasted it once before, when Jared had cajoled him into trying. Jensen had complained about the same thing then too, saying, “The only way I’ll enjoy it is by kissing you,” and then proceeded to do exactly that.  He slowly typed a reply back, letting Singer know which project he wanted. Then he got up to pay. He had to start packing.

Jared had gotten lucky. It had taken him less than a month to find a new apartment, and only a week to move out of Gen’s place. He was unpacking the first boxes now, most of them scattered around him, occasionally sipping at hot chocolate to chase the lingering chill of the rain outside.  Paris had not been easy lately. He couldn’t get Jensen out of his head. It was worse especially everytime he went to work, because the Pont des Arts had closed down for impending repair work and that made him think of how much Jensen would love to be part of that.  Work itself wasn’t any better. Usually, pouring all his concentration into a painting helped ease him- now, everytime he stepped into the Louvre’s restoration room, he had to face Stephen’s hurt eyes and the awkward silence that fell between them.  How bad did it make Jared that he still missed Jensen more than he even thought about Stephen?  The knock on his door made him sigh. He considered ignoring it and continuing with his packing. But the knock repeated, frantic this time.  Jared growled, getting up, ready to give the person a piece of his mind.  “Jared, open up!”  His feet stopped moving of their own accord, disbelieving. That couldn’t be…  “Jared, I know you’re there, I can see the lights are on under the door and I am freezing !”  What was he doing here?! How was he here? This shouldn’t be happening, it wasn’t possible outside of Jared’s most wishful dreams!  “Jared, please.”  Heart suddenly beating in his throat, Jared slowly stepped forward, opening the door. There Jensen stood, dripping wet and shivering, hair plastered to his forehead. His eyes were wide, greener than normal. A suitcase stood behind him and a duffel bag was slung over his shoulder.  “Jensen,” he said softly, almost soundless.  Jensen swallowed. “Can I…”  He nodded quickly, stepping aside to let him in, quickly turning the heating up a little. “What are… What are you doing”  Jensen was staring at the cup of hot chocolate left on top of an unpacked box. “I’m guessing that has about a million spoons of sugar and cinnamon?”  “Shut up,” Jared said automatically. “Added a little red wine- what are you doing here, Jensen?”  Jensen turned around, stepping into Jared’s space and kissed him. He could barely think past being stunned, instinctively cupping Jensen’s face, feeling the freezing wet skin slide against his palm. Jensen moaned softly, more out of contentment than arousal.  “Fuck, you’re so warm,” he mumbled, chasing the heat of Jared’s mouth even as he spoke. “Taste just like I remember.” “Jen, wait-”  He pulled away, looking up at Jared. “Is your tattoo really black? Like you made me think?”  He winced a little, eyes cutting away.  “Hey, I’m not upset about it,” Jensen whispered, lightly touching his jaw. “If you did lie… I can’t really blame you. I didn’t really try to be honest with you either.”  Jared shook his head. “You didn’t answer my question, what are you doing here?”  “What do you think?”  “Don’t fuck around, Jensen, just tell me,” he half-snapped, voice quivering a little.  Jensen softened even more. “I’m here for you. And for work, I guess, but even that- I chose the project here. So I could see you.”  “That’s…” Jared stared at him. “Why?”  “Because I love you?”  “So?”  Jensen’s eyebrows quirked up. “So?”  “You loved me last time too,” Jared reminded. “And you still decided to let me go, to let us go. You’re here now- what happens when the project ends and you have to go back and you make the same decision again, that you can’t wait for me?” His voice broke on the last few words and he turned away, rubbing a hand down his face to try and compose himself.  He kept his back to Jensen, shaking as he picked up his mug, taking a few sips in the hope that the drink would soothe him.  “I’m not going to do that,” Jensen said quietly. “I’m not that crazy.”  “It’s not about crazy, it’s just how you feel,” Jared told him. “I’m not mad about it, Jensen, just-”  “You should be,” Jensen argued. “You should be mad at me. I was terrified and I prioritized being safe but miserable over the risk of being with you- it was the stupidest thing ever.”  Jared stayed stiff, not knowing what else to do.  “It was stupid,” Jensen said again, quieter this time. “Because I should have trusted you. I was scared we’d grow apart… But more than that, I was scared you’d find someone else, someone who was there and you’d want that more than you wanted me and so you’d-”  “That’s what you were scared of?!” Jared demanded, turning to face him, incensed. “Are you serious? You don’t- didn’t you understand how much I loved you?!”   His yell echoed in the empty room. Jensen didn’t flinch, his gaze sad. “No, I didn’t. I should have. I’m sorry, Jared, I wish I had a better reason, but…”  “I wanted you , Jensen,” he whispered. “I still do- but if that’s what you’re scared of-”  “It’s not!” Jensen hurried to assure, taking a step closer. “Not anymore, Jared, I…” He took a deep breath. “Even before I landed this project, when we were in New York- that night at the party? I was trying to work up the guts to ask you if we could try again.”  Jared wasn’t sure he’d heard right. “You… You were?”  He nodded, smiling slightly. “I’d had three days with you and they were the best three days of my life since you’d left. I didn’t wanna lose that.” He sighed. “Then… Next morning…”  “I never gave you the chance,” Jared realized. “I- Jensen, I’m sorry-”  “I don’t blame you.”  “You should,” Jared shot his words back at him. “I…” He bit his lip sheepishly. “I was scared too. Thought you’d make the same decision again. When I saw your tattoo, I should have realized- but it just made me even more scared somehow, because…”  Hope shone in Jensen’s eyes. “Because?”  “Because my tattoo got its color back too,” he whispered. “That morning, or that night- but really, it’d been happening slowly since I showed up at your house. And I couldn’t bear the thought of you deciding it didn’t matter.”  Jensen opened his mouth, as if to say something, then visibly changed his mind. Instead, he said, “If we’re both on the same page about our tattoos… Jared, please, can we-”  Jared didn’t need him to finish. He kissed him, pulling him flush against his own body. Jensen melted into him, hands rising to settle in Jared’s hair, tugging in that familiar way.  “I love you,” Jensen whispered against his mouth.  And that was something Jared could believe. “I know.”