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Page 59-62 of Notebook: What I remember.--------------------------- (Janus)----------------Virgil hadn’t approached him alone for many years.“Who are you looking for?” Janus asked casually, when Virgil came up to him as he strolled through the Mindscape gardens. Surely, he wasn’t looking for him.Virgil looked confused. “Um, I’m looking for you,” he said.Janus blinked and let him lead him to the Labyrinth.“So… what do you wish to discuss with me?” Janus asked, still a little in disbelief this was happening. It had been so long.Virgil took a moment, dark shadowed eyes darting around as if the bushes had ears.“I- Uh- wanted to talk to you about the Dark Sides,” Virgil said. Janus suppressed a groan. Of course, he just wanted to give Janus a task to do. And here he was secretly hoping he wanted to catch up. “But- let’s not talk here,” Virgil said, still very twitchy and nervous (when was he not?) “Let’s talk in my room.”Janus felt too surprised to protest. Ever since Virgil moved to the Light Sides, his room had relocated there too, which means that Janus hadn’t been in it since then- excepting that one time he forced entry and Virgil told him to ‘get out!’…Now it was disconnected from both the Light and Dark Sides.“Why is your room like this?” Janus asked curiously, as Virgil eyed him semi-nervously before reaching out a hand to unlock the door.“Oh, uh, I made it do this,” Virgil said. “I figured you’d be more comfortable not walking through the Light Side commons.”(Well, that was true, and not. Janus wouldn’t have wanted to stroll through the commons today- but he did sometimes come to pester the ‘Light Sides’ for fun.)Virgil checked that his room was empty, then beckoned him in. “Come on, then.”Janus stepped through the door and revealed the hat-hair as he swept off his hat to hold on his lap.…Ten minutes later, they sat across from each other with coffee; Virgil was on the stiff chair that usually sat beside his door, Janus cross legged on the bed.Virgil had seemed anxiously willing to play hostess, which was nice enough he supposed, but since Virgil just wanted to talk business, Janus wished he’d just get it over with. He’d already suffered the disappointment of knowing small talk was not Virgil’s purpose today.“So,” he said at last, foot tapping impatiently against the floor. “What did you want to tell me?”Virgil flinched, and Janus’ saw him pull in on himself; perhaps Janus’ tone had shown the mounting irritation he felt to be away from work, but…Well, he did have work to do.Virgil glanced down at his hoodie strings, then with a massive effort of will, met Janus’ eyes. His own were unreadable, coffee brown- except for the unusual strain of deep unease that sat in the widened pupils and tense shoulders.“I… I have noticed a higher… unease in the past few days,” he muttered at last, looking embarrassed.Janus almost dropped his mug.“That’s all? Isn’t that usual for you?” he asked, half-seriously, but he knew there must be more to it for Virgil to be so on edge.“It’s- It’s not like the usual anxiety Thomas feels,” Virgil stammered, his tone slightly insulted through Janus’ quiet laughter.Janus sat up a little straighter. “What’s different about it?”(If it involved Thomas’ mental health, it was his duty too.)Virgil hesitated. “It feels like… like the Subconscious is changing.”And, oh- That couldn’t be good.“Ah, the Subconscious?” Janus feigned a calm he did not feel at all. “And how exactly do you think it’s changing?”“I think something is emerging from it? Energy, maybe? It would have to be a Side to activate my anxiety like that.” Virgil shrugged but it didn’t suit his position; he looked stressed and uncertain.Janus stood up.“No worries, little Stormcloud. I will investigate this as soon as I have time.”(He would investigate the first minute he could ‘calmly’ escape Virgil’s hospitality, actually!)Janus didn’t like the thought of the Subconscious being open, and if any of those Sides emerged…But Virgil winced and grabbed Janus’ arm, pulling him back onto the bed. “Stay here. Please? It’s changing again. No one should be out there alone in case it’s dangerous, and I’m worried I’ll need the help if I stress too much.” (Always the protective younger Side. And he did sometimes get that stressed.)Janus, in spite of himself, felt fond- and sympathetic.“...Fine,” he said after only a second's pause. “But I must leave tomorrow.”After all, the sun had nearly set, and he couldn’t leave his little stormcloud now, not when he had asked for his extended company for the first time since childhood!“Oh, thank God,” Virgil exhaled, and Janus swore he felt ten pounds of air pressure dissipate from the shadowy room. “You can stay here,” Virgil said, pulling back the dark-purple covers on his bed and then pointing at an enormous blanket fort he obviously propped up for sleeping. “I’ll just sleep in that for tonight.”Janus smiled at the blanket fort.“Okay,” he said, because yes, it was probably best to avoid the floor.Virgil rolled his eyes as he grabbed some things- all purple or black- and made his way to the bathroom to change. “Just do me a favor, don’t shed on it, hey?”Janus groaned at Virgil. “That was *one time*.”Virgil shrugged, but there was a smile on his face this time.“Still annoying. It took ages to get it off.”“Fine, fuck off, now- I’m going to bed,” Janus grumbled, but he buried his head under his blankets partially to hide the wide grin on his face- partially to block out the annoying smug look on Virgil’s face- because yes, it was annoying, and yes, very much deserved.The Sides didn’t often get Janus to smile, and Virgil just succeeded after years as basically strangers.When Virgil slipped back into the room, now dressed in soft, purple-black checked pajamas, Janus had already fallen asleep and was snoring on the bed.Virgil, after a smile at the disheveled auburn curls on the pillow, turned to his blanket fort and crawled deep into it, tugging every blanket he owned over his head even though it wasn’t cold in the room at all.He felt very awkward having Janus here. He hoped very, very hard that he wouldn't have to be waking him tonight.…Janus woke in a cold sweat to find the temperature of the room had plummeted since he fell asleep.His breath rose in steam in the air.Under the pillow fort, but hidden out of sight, Virgil was sleeping very restlessly; his body tossing against the blankets so that the blankets supported against chairs and pillows rocked and threatened a tsunami.Janus sat up and sneezed. It was so cold, his throat felt raspy, as if he had caught a cold from the night already. His snake side felt numb but his heart was pounding under the oppressive restlessness of the room.Virgil was having a nightmare, clearly. It was usually either Remus or Virgil who gave Thomas nightmares, and in the past Janus had been the one to calm them down when they woke from them.He wondered what would happen if he comforted Virgil now.Drawn by nostalgia, Janus trailed his blanket down to the floor and padded across the room, his footfalls heavy but muffled against Virgil’s thick- and currently frost-covered- carpet.Virgil was no longer tossing but still, and he lay groaning in bed, his body tense as if he wanted to run but his sleeping body wouldn’t allow it. Sleep Paralysis, in its overprotective embrace, thawed as Janus gently stroked a hand along Virgil’s forehead.“Sh- sh, My little Stormcloud,” he whispered soothingly. To his great surprise, Virgil nuzzled into the touch. “It’s only a nightmare, Virgil.”As he said this he felt a prickle down his back and the scales along his arm felt cold.He turned his head but too late, as something supple but serrating ran around his middle and his legs and dragged him up onto the bed.Something whipped across his face, dragging up the scales that otherwise lay flat against his face so that they felt about to snap off.“Ouch! What the-”He barely had time to writhe in the blanket’s grasp before it yanked him down, harsher than before, pulling its mass over his nose and mouth.‘Ahhh!’ he screamed silently as he was unable to intake breath and might soon lose oxygen if he didn’t conserve it. More desperate than before, he tried to writhe free, but the blanket only tightened over his middle, cratering his torso into Virgil’s mattress, forcing breath from his lungs.With his arms he lashed out, not at the blanket, but to either side, attempting to bang the wall or the bed frame, to get Virgil’s attention.Surely, Virgil didn’t do this, or at least didn’t *mean* to, since he was asleep- and the trap would have activated sooner. Remus could have created a trap like this, but Janus’ couldn’t imagine Virgil being careless enough for Remus to just meander in. So Virgil wasn’t an enemy.In his flailing struggles the blanket came loose somewhat.“Virgil- mfff- Help me-” He managed, heaving in breaths as the blanket loosened then resumed its stranglehold. “#V-Virgil…”His brain was getting foggy. With the last of his strength, he used his powers to snap Virgil’s pillow fort over, waking the Side up. He would be annoyed, but Janus needed help- and Virgil would understand once he woke up.In his last moments of consciousness, the dark form of Virgil approached, his blurred face perhaps annoyed, perhaps frightened.A pair of cold hands reached out, pulling Janus away, tugging him clear off the bed and onto the floor; a muffled voice was saying something: “Hey- Janus- It’s okay. Janus, it’s #okay#-”(Who was he trying to convince? The lies were heavy on the air.)Virgil’s hands were shaking.The blanket was shaken off and that was all the incentive Janus needed. With his remaining willpower he scrambled to wobbling legs, forced his way out a half-open door, and fled, his cloak half-off, quickly sinking out into his own- safe- Dark Side bedroom.He collapsed onto the bed and breathed out shakily, so relieved to be safely out of Virgil’s hellscape of a room.Blinking up at the ceiling he felt his last adrenaline fading too quickly to focus on anything, as he was dragged back down into sleep- this time, in safety.“Well, there we are,” said a snide little voice in his dreams, “That’s what we get for being sympathetic.”…Janus was still in bed late that day thanks to Virgil's room- which was really rather unfortunate because he might have known what to do about all of this.Remus, far away in his castle and shaking from head to toe, focused all his energies on his Creations that had gone rogue in Roman’s Imagination- but whatever he tried they were too powerful, and he, far too distracted, and they only attacked more viciously.The Dragon Witch wasn’t stirred to join them- thank God. And that gave Remus an idea. Focusing all his attention on creating a long and overly-complicated horn, he blew through it and soon, DW was speeding through the air toward him, her gaze concerned and attentive, even in dragon form. She landed on the parapet of his castle wall, and some nice spiked arrow slots flaked off and fell into the lava pool, two hundred feet below.“Sup, DW,” said Remus, in no mood for long chats. “Robro and the Nerds are in trouble. Roman’s Imagination. Go, and do what you can so my creations *don’t* rip ‘em to shreds, ‘kay?”DW nodded- sensing his anxiety- and took flight directly to Roman’s Imagination. (More of the parapet flaked and fell into the piranha-infested swamp that lay right inside the *inner* wall, but Remus really didn’t care.)…In Roman’s Side, the Creative Twin was faring badly (though he’d never admit it to anyone, least of all himself).He had his sword out, and he was slashing left and right, but being bizarre creations of Remus’- and not exactly made for fair fights, either- the monsters were very hard to understand and even harder to kill.Patton and Virgil were there too, Virgil already looking like- well, *trash*- from last night’s sleeplessness; and Patton was a pacifist, so not very talented with the small dagger Roman had lent him. Besides, if something happened to Roman, their defenses would basically vanish with him, which didn’t look good for them, even optimistically.Roman would call for help, but with all the energy spiking from Virgil’s panicked dodges around the headless monster with the whip- Well, messages weren’t going through.He’d just have to hold out for as long as he could. Roman was hoping for an exit, where he could urge the others to run to his castle when the Beasts were distracted, but they were very far from the castle, and almost as if by plan, they were leading Virgil and the others farther away with each attack.There was only so much that Roman could do- and at the moment he successfully took down the first large monster they had targeted, he saw three figures that were not Remus’ creations nor were they even *animals* of any sort (and that included all of Remus’ bizarre hybrids).And he was pretty sure, by the prowling way these Sides walked closer, that they were the final boss that the trio had to fight.…Janus woke with a jolt… “Who summoned me..?” And then he grimaced. Ugh- his headache. Virgil’s room really had done a number on him.Then at Thomas’ insistence, he slowly sat up. Because in the end, he existed only for Thomas.It wasn’t Thomas’ couch- it was a cot he lay upon. The walls were dreary and dark- there were scratches in the door.“Ah, thomas.” He tried to mask his confusion with pleasure to be summoned again. “I never expected to be summoned by you…” (‘So soon’ died on his lips.) “...Alone,” he ended instead, hesitating.Thomas didn’t look… Well, he didn’t look *normal*. His hair was a mess, his eyes were desperate.“Hey, Janus,’ Thomas grinned. Then he looked around. “Buddies-?”
Two heavy-set guards- who were more of Thomas’ Sides- flanked Janus, who felt himself gulp.He knew these sides all too well.“Wh-where are the others?” he managed. “Roman, and Patton, and-? Why am I-”“I think you know exactly why you’re here,” Thomas interrupted cooly, and Janus felt his face pale.His tongue drifted, his mouth opening several times to say something-
But nothing came out.Thomas’ eyes were so pleading. He knew it wasn't Patton pleading to him, but he still felt *so much desperation*, for a lie…A lie to comfort the crime he had committed.Janus’ eyes widened.He was desperate to help Thomas- but there were things in Thomas’ mind that he couldn’t simply ignore, either. Signs that Patton must have sent him before he disappeared wherever. Signs that made him very nervous about where this was going.His mind worked overtime; his heartbeat was frantic.‘Thomas, I’m not an immoral Side,’ he thought he’d say, and then, ‘I’ll help only IF they’re safe.’He was panicking behind his calm facade, thinking of Virgil, and of the others. It was clear now what Virgil had tried to warn him about. He hoped he was okay after whatever that shock did to him.He was angry too. He wanted to knock the smiles off the faces of these idiotic Sides- they probably hurt all my friends- but he didn't dare.Instead, he sat very still. Instead, he kept his head high and his limbs supple and his eyes calm. Instead, he crossed his leg, very calmly, over the other, paused to consider how to ask after the Light Sides- then brought a gloved hand to his palm, to fidget as discreetly as he could.When he looked up at Thomas’ face, he made sure all that showed was his casual smirk, as he hid the fear underneath.“Of course, Thomas,” he purred, eyeing Thomas with newfound fear in his gut- but speaking in a cool amused voice. “I do *love* to be the villain. So, what do you require of me, your excellence?”He hid the grimace of pain under his hat brim and bangs while Thomas leaned in, a predator eyeing prey, and smirked down at him, Janus’ own cunning smile on his lips.“I need you to kill Logan for me.”As if it was the simplest thing in the world.…Janus visited Remus’ Imagination to enquire about Roman’s whereabouts as soon as he escaped Thomas. He had heard rumors, hints- in his journey through Roman’s abandoned Imagination landscape, all the people who had stood at Roman’s castle walls told a story of courage and defeat, where Roman’s friends he had defended were dragged off, unconscious, by some unknown entity. A giant winged thing, with glowing eyes. That sounded like the Dragon Witch, but she rarely chose sides alone.So he strode through Remus’ war-torn Dark Imagination, his cloak tattered and streaming behind in his wrath and fear.His eyes fell on Remus, sitting alone at a log in the middle of the forest, and wiping mud over his face in his attempts to clear away- were those tears?!- from his cheeks.Janus wasn’t giving any quarter, and marched forward close enough to demand “Why did you do it, Remus?”Remus, shocked and in a moment of vulnerability, yelped and jumped, but Janus still grabbed the collar of his frilly tunic.“Why did your monsters attack the Others?!”Remus glared up at him. His eyes were still overbright, and he spoke in a raspy voice.“I swear I didn’t want any of this! My creations got out of control! Roman was outnumbered but I swear- I didn’t mean it.”Janus was furious. He knew that right now, he was very limited; he could only really do what Thomas wanted him to. Remus had somehow escaped that fate, but he wasn’t faring better. But Janus could still detect truth or lies. And Remus wasn’t lying.He’d always liked Remus. Janus wasn’t very trusting, but, well…
They could make an uneasy alliance.In all honesty, Janus had expected an answer like this. Sure, Remus loved fighting Roman, but they were brothers and they still cared for each other. (At least some.)Taking a deep breath, he released Remus (before the Dark Side could punch him for his trouble) and backed away a step.“Ah. So, you really had no control.” That was rare. Remus rarely tried to control himself, but when he did try… he was strong. At Remus’ jerky nod, he slowly relaxed, and glanced around for a log or something not as nasty as Remus’ to sit on.He eventually found one (though he still grimaced as the wet lichen surface touched his hand) and sank onto it, as gracefully as was possible.“Please tell me then,” he requested, in a voice as calm as he could manage. “What did happen when Roman fought the Creations? I assume that Cruelty and Apathy were there, too. And I heard about Virgil and Patton being dragged away.”“Roman’s dead,” Remus said in a stale voice, as soon as Janus calmed his breathing a little. “He stood alone against the dangerous sides and my feral creations, defending Patton and Virgil, who as far as I can tell aren’t dead yet. They were pretty banged-up, though.”Janus glowered at him.“And why on earth didn’t you go help them, if you’d feel guilty about it afterward?”Remus snapped. “If I did, I would’ve made things worse, okay?! They were out of control- my monsters- and I would’ve given them even more power. I desperately wanted to help, kick butt and all-” Janus recognized truth in his shaking, tense tone. “But I just couldn’t.” Remus finished bitterly.“So, Roman’s dead?” Ventured Janus at last, because he needed to know the truth. “It might take him over a week to recover-”“Yeah, and doesn’t look too great considering Thomas doesn’t want him back.” Remus kicked the dirt gloomily. “He doesn’t really like me either, though,” he muttered.Janus had an epiphany. “It was *you* who dragged Virgil and Patton away. *You* were protecting them.”“Not me, dumbass. Weren’t ya listening? That was DW- but yeah, I asked her to do that. Glad she actually did it. She sometimes roasts her prisoners and eats them, so…yeah.”“And where exactly is she keeping them? They are safe, I presume?” Janus made a mental note to give the Dragon Witch a wide berth whenever he was injured in the future.“Sure, sure,” Remus waved an arm flippantly. “They’re up at my castle. They have places to run if DW gets too… curious.” Janus didn’t want to know what that implied. “Y’know- she just has a lot of recipes she wants to try.” Janus winced. Okay- he’d definitely have to find a way to check on them, as soon as possible…“And… the others? I assume Logan is okay, and Remy?” he asked, though, he had to admit, his interests still mostly lay with Virgil and Patton, who were under DW’s claw; Logan couldn’t be hurt by physical attacks.Remus snorted. “No one messes with Remy,” he said. “I’m not even concerned. And the geek- well, you’d have to be completely insane to want your logic killed.”‘Thomas *is* completely insane,’ Janus thought in his head. ‘And he *does* want Logan killed.’Instead he said, casually. “I guess you’re right. There really is no need to worry for them. You should keep an eye out for yourself, though; in this new regime, it seems Creativity is just as much a threat as Emotion, so watch yourself.” The concern in his eyes was real.Remus shrugged. “Eh, I’ll manage,” he said. “I’ve had to fight Cru and Appy before- I can still do it. Plus, I have my monsters on my side, which is sweet.”Janus hesitated. “Remus, I wouldn’t use the monsters if I were you, they may get out of your control again and try to hurt you.”Remus looked at him blankly. “They’re *mine*.”“Yeah,” Janus sighed. “But you’re the only Creativity now; I’ve got to be extra cautious.”Remus shrugged. “Yeah, whatever,” he said. “I just hope the Puffball and the Meathead are back soon. And Virgil,” he added as an afterthought. “Although he’s pretty annoying whenever I present an idea.”Janus laughed. He was glad he had made this visit so soon, and glad to have an ally when everything else felt so wrong.“I’ll see you around then? Don’t approach unless I’m alone, or at least don’t show we’re close,” he said, to which Remus cackled, and Janus shoved him. “Shut it. You know I meant as friends. Now, I really have got to go or Thomas will try to track me.”“He can do that?”“Not yet, thank God,” Janus said. “But I’m the suspicious type.”“You *are* pretty sus.”“Oh shut up.” Janus brushed off his pants. (Eww) “I’ll see you later, I assume.”With that he walked off, his cloak swaying slightly behind him.…Thomas still wasn’t himself, still devoid of his creativity and Ego.Remus couldn’t entirely fill Roman’s spotless shoes. Even when he did a pretty good job, he got mud on the carpet.Janus was growing sick of this… hiding in plain sight with Remus.Remus had reports to make when they got together.Logan still wandered the Mindscape but he was very stiff and hardly seemed to recognize or show emotion anymore to anyone. Logic is a danger alone, and without any intention to, Logan was tearing Thomas apart now, with no Roman to push back against him. Patton and Virgil were recovering, but very feeble- and Remus spent more and more time in his castle everyday, to make sure DW didn’t break into their shared rooms and drag them off to her kitchens for some stew.Remus had never seen DW this restless, and he was feeling the strain himself. He wasn’t afraid, exactly, of the monster that slept inside his worst and deadliest ideas- but he was *aware*.Meanwhile Logan was becoming a danger of his own.The Imagination couldn’t take him down… but a well-placed Deception could. This was the basis of Thomas’ insistence on calling Janus before him day after day. Thomas’ Villainous Sides were restless as Thomas didn’t really seem to like *them* either, meaning both that Remus was beset by dangers, and also that Thomas was growing more desperate and threatening in his approach to get Janus to murder Logan.Janus still hadn’t told Remus that was his ‘mission.’…Several days followed, in which Patton and Virgil continued to work from the shadows, and gained a small element of their strength back, but following soon after that- There came a day when their desperation could no longer be contained. They had to talk to Thomas. They had to get him to listen. Or perish in the attempt. (Which was silly, as none of them could ever permanently perish).The Last Normal Day....Janus lowered his shepherd’s crook cane and looked around, his energy spent. All the rest were down. Even Remus had fallen at last, defending himself and Patton. He stared around at the wreckage that was Remus’ defensive war machines, at the bundles of clothes that were prone Logan, Patton, Virgil, and Remus. Roman was still dead, reforming somewhere in the back of Thomas’ Subconscious or in his Light Side Imagination, which, along with Remus' was completely wrecked.Janus stared over at the stupid Sides that Thomas now held close to his chest, and his face contorted into something monstrous with fury.Thomas hadn’t even listened to them before he took them out. Seeing his authoritarian rule and the Sides he now trusted the closest, defenseless, taken out in an act of desperation- Janus was shaking- not with fear, but with fury.Janus stepped through the dust and blood, past the limp bodies that were not yet dead like Roman was already.“Thomas- we need this to stop. All of this. Or you will lose everything you thought you still had. You may have taken out Patton, but your heart will always feel a strong sense of regret- and guilt- and as Self-Preservation it is my duty to ensure that does not happen.”Thomas glowered down at him, though Janus’ reasoning was true (just not his main motivation, he bargained).“You only want to save the Light Sides you’ve grown so fond of,” he scoffed, and Janus flinched and raised his staff to attack, at Thomas’ tone…He could not attack Thomas. He could not take out the last Sides that Thomas had to support him.But he stepped back and stood beside his unconscious allies; he could at least protect them.Thomas glared at him, as if, ‘you’ve chosen your side.’Janus swallowed back the anger; he knew most of this was his own fault.“Thomas, I hate this as much as you, but this is your last chance. If you don’t listen- then, then I’ll go.”Thomas only stared (in horror, but in stubborn anger, too). There was disbelief in his eyes.“You wouldn’t,” he said, then, “You *couldn’t*. *Where* would you go?”“I don’t know,” Janus spat, “But anywhere is better than being betrayed *here*.”Janus waited for something- anything even *close* to repentance- to show on his face.But Janus was the leading Light Side now- a task he was never meant for- and repentance and guilt were not his functions. In fact, they were his polar opposites on most occasions.So Thomas only stared, and Janus realized with a breaking heart that it truly *was* his own power preventing Thomas from reconciling with his Light Sides.Thomas eyed Janus with barely any fear on his face (though that was because Virgil was half-dead, too: his power was barely working- but it was enough. Thomas would be fine).On either side of him, Cruelty and Apathy watched, with excited smirks on their faces. They were excited to see the carnage to follow, if Janus continued to fight.Rage erupted, hot and cold and hard, in Janus’ chest.“Fine, then,” Janus spat. “Enjoy your ‘freedom.’ I’m leaving now.”(Outwardly, he was deadly calm, except for the anger which he couldn’t hide: the shake in his voice and hands. He knew Cruelty was to blame for that, but for once he was grateful). He marched toward the door to the Commons. He had never done this before but he knew it was possible. He could close himself off.Inwardly he was melting with denial and fear; outwardly he was ice, cold and bitter. *Play the part. You must do this. Do this, and they are safe.*Thomas must repent. He must face this alone, in order to do that. *I will not help him; I would only make things worse.*He stared back at the Villainous Sides and Thomas, and realized the horrors that would come if he left the Light Sides here, incapacitated. They would die. They would be tortured.They must come with him.He snapped his fingers. The others appeared beside him, still unconscious, but signs of life in tiny eye movements behind their lashes and hearts beating in their chests. *Thank God.*He saw Remus' body, and snapped him over, too. The others didn’t approve- they may never understand him, but he had fought on their side. He was in danger. Like it or not, Remus was one of them, now.To his delight and relief, Roman’s limp, lifeless body appeared too when he focused- there might be a way to revive him.Sadly now, but also mockingly, he saluted Thomas, some of that deep sadness and regret brought to the surface before turnover brought anger blazing again, hot and white.“Farewell, Thomas,” he said tauntingly. “*They’re all coming with me, too*.”He ignored the tiny flicker of pain- fear- on Thomas face. Virgil barely stirred, his lashes moving, but he was still affecting Thomas, one of the strongest.Janus cradled him in his arms.“Okay…. Go!”A rush of light and sound encompassed them all, as he stared back and saw Thomas slack-jawed and guilty, staring after him and calling him to come home.But Janus turned his head back, to the swirling constellations of light, the eddying, rushing ocean of sound and smell and feeling, and forced his mind onto the things ahead.(Where were they going? He didn’t know.)…*What I remember is... a whirling, eddying pool of light, before suddenly I was here.*The earliest memory Janus had of being alive was when he was seven, sitting in the street by himself, when a boy in green came along and dragged him to play pirates with him. He and that boy became roommates- adoptees under the same adoptive mother. Janus and Remus were close, but eventually Remus found his brother and moved away.--TBC- ------------------------------ I hope you all enjoyed this- It was really fun to write! I had all of it outlined at least, but I filled in a lot of the gaps today. The rest should be easier, for a few chapters at least, because I have the next whole completely section pre-written, instead of only one middle section where I need to write out the full before and after of a chapter before I can even post it- whoops!
Anyway, I'm also well-planned ahead for the general way I want this story to go. If there are glaring errors, please tell me. I am a perfectionist and I always want to improve my work. :-)
That said, I still have no regular posting schedule, but I do write constantly, so this should be relatively active at least until I start college classes.->>Onward, to the College AU!;-) Estella K

----- CHAPTER BREAK -----

------------------Janus really had no choice but to switch roommates, he reasoned, although that reasoning didn’t dispel the slight guilt in his chest. Patton had always meant well. Janus had even grown fond of him for a time. However, every match made in college was *not* a match made in heaven.
Patton was nice, but so picky. They never really got along after their first disagreement about charity. In the end, it had just been too suffocating and Janus had made the decision to back off for personal reasons.
Patton had agreed to move out so Janus kept their old room, something that didn’t really quench his guilt.
…
Janus stretched luxuriously and looked around him at the pleasant wood toned carpet and shelves about him. He was in the college dorm common area, reading and doing work. His political theory book, which felt heavier and heavier each day, was defaced by yellow highlighter and a myriad of scribbles that only he could decipher; at the time he had been asked in high school, “what do you want your career to be?” he had answered “Political science,” because “It just felt right.” Now, that felt like a laughably ridiculous answer.
…
Roman was a little uncertain about which new dorm roommate was to be his. Which was a little unfortunate, because he also lacked the keys to the room (keys that worked, at least) and he had never met his room mate before, which meant he had to wander around looking awkward as he tried to find someone who looked like they were waiting for him. (Unless he wanted to return for a new key, and he’d rather not walk back just yet.)
Oh, and did he mention he was very sleepy?
…
In all honesty, Roman was quite excited to meet his new roommate. (Having recently also left his old roomie- who wasn’t the best, sleep-schedule wise, it could only be an improvement). Roman was aware of many of the students on this floor, and this student- Janus, he believed?- had a reputation for being a very dedicated student (though he forgot what path he was on; he’d just have to ask about that, he decided).
He thought maybe he knew some of Janus’ friends from meeting them in the past, whereas Janus hasn’t met Roman’s friends personally- as far as he knew they had no connections at all to each other personally.
Still, something about that name…
…
Roman spotted the student, in his odd long lawyer’s jacket, papers strewn out on a desk- sitting in the dorm common room alone.
Roman blinked at him, noting just how still he sat, and then sighed. He hadn’t realized how empty it would be getting- it was going to be embarrassing if he made his new roommate stay up much later waiting. He didn’t really want to disturb this guy (who was surely intent on his studies, based on his silence) but he might be his last chance at redemption.
…
However, as he approached the very still figure (who he now realized was actually asleep, based on the gentle snores) and read the name printed boldly on his notebook cover -JANUS SANDERS- he was relieved. He wouldn’t have to look farther.He wasn’t sure exactly what to do though. Should he wake him up?Janus snorted and moved his head into a more comfortable position against the cushioned chair back, his caramel hair a bird’s nest against it.Roman laughed silently to himself. This guy- at first impression, and still sound asleep- was still, oddly, rather composed… and very cute.Roman felt very awkward, because he knew how much it sucked to run on low sleep, but he also knew he wouldn’t be able to look away from Janus if he didn’t wake him up, and that was just downright awkward and embarrassing for both of them.He probably wasn’t even gay.With an inward prayer for Janus to forgive him, Roman prodded his new roommate awake, and adjusted the collar of his own shirt.
…
Janus had dozed off while waiting for Roman to come, having had a stressful and busy day. When he stirred he was a little embarrassed. He was instantly greeted by Roman.
(Or he thought that was his name? They had never actually talked.) The guy, anyway, fit the description he’d weeded from the man in charge of dorm solutions. Tall. Dirty-blond to pale brown hair. A well-toned frame.Janus had to admit he didn’t hate what he was seeing. Then he decided that was probably a curse and not a blessing, because, oh God, he didn’t want to stop looking.
Roman, maybe sensing Janus’ inner turmoil, maybe driven by some anxiety of his own, took the lead in the greeting.He held out his hand, and when Janus took it, he shook it comfortably. A firm handshake, a firm smile.“Hello,” he said, and his voice was firm, and confident, too. “I’m Roman. Your new dorm roommate.”“H-Hello,” Janus replied more softly, taking the hand and returning the smile in his own way. “I am Janus. But I guess you somehow solved that riddle for yourself while I was sleeping-?”Roman laughed slightly, which caused Janus to chuckle too, slightly embarrassed. But they were both new here.Roman answered at his own pace, but his eyes were warm with a smile.“Well… I may have come asking for directions to your room… and then seen the name on the notebook on the way.”Janus had to blink away the surprise. Oh, of course he always forgot, most people weren’t as attentive to detail, as planned, as Janus was. He laughed at himself. He had taken for granted Roman did what he did and asked for a ‘forensic sketch’ of his new roommate’s appearance.“Um,” he said, when he realized the silence had stretched thin. “It’s nice to meet you. How about I bring you to your dorm room- Ours, I guess- and then we can have a nice cozy chat there? Just- let me clean up my stuff first.”He flashed a slightly embarrassed look around the mess that was his unfinished homework, and Roman hummed an “okay,” to his relief.Keep it together, scales. He doesn’t know how scared you are.He never needs to know your secrets.…Roman followed Janus to their shared new room, making casual small talk. Janus would admit it was pleasant- There were no awkward silences since Roman seemed comfortable providing the exposition. At the same time, Janus sensed he would stop, if Janus showed disinterest.“Here,” Janus said, setting the keys on the fridge and taking one of Roman’s bags from him. “Come sit over by the bed, there’s enough time tonight for a little introduction before we go to sleep.”Roman agreed happily, setting his bags down with a “thump” on the floor. There was a nice carpet on the floor. Whoever had decorated it- whether Janus, or his old dorm mate, or a combination of the two- had very good taste. The room was as cozy as a little home.“Now,” Janus said, having gotten them tea (Roman would ask about the tea later). He crossed his legs comfortably. “I hope you weren’t looking terribly long for your room.”“Uh, not too, long, no.” Roman wasn’t in the mood to complain about how tired he was when he held a growing interest in the roommate before him.Janus relaxed a little.…Roman’s stuff would be moved in tomorrow.
Janus seamlessly agreed to let him sleep in here tonight (and he also brought his backpack, so he had the things he needed before tomorrow). Remy ‘never slept,’ -so Roman couldn’t get any rest if he stayed in his old dorm room tonight
Not when Remy was probably celebrating having the room to himself.
…They chatted casually after a while, once Janus had settled onto the bed and Roman had set his bags down and drank some tea.“I think I’ve seen you before, since you look so familiar,” Janus murmured, looking up after a sip of tea. “Have we talked before?”“I doubt it,” Roman replied, looking over at Janus but hesitating, because he did look so familiar.
“You… Did you live on this floor all year, or were you a floor below? You were a floor below, weren’t you? Sports and Arts?”“yes- I was the guy down the hall from the ATM.” Roman looked slightly amused. “That’s how I met several of my first friends.”Janus laughed with him, lowering his head. He had a strange question to ask, but he didn’t dare.…Roman glanced at Janus and wondered why he looked so anxious again. Surely, they hadn’t been this awkward since they arrived?Janus looked up as he wondered what he did, something odd in his eyes. A strange doubt. This isn’t my awkwardness, Roman realized. He watched Janus hesitate.“Humor me. Do we…actually know each other from somewhere else?” he asked, and Roman again had to pause because he wasn’t sure, either.“I don’t think so…” Roman didn’t know if that was true, but Janus had something to add.“It’s so strange but…*sigh* I just woke from a strange dream, and- Do you ever get the feeling like there’s something…extremely important from your life years ago, but can’t remember what it is?”Roman paused. Yes, he had that feeling before. And his brother had shared a similar feeling with him. It made him nervous about admitting it. It connected him with his brother’s disorder.“I have had that feeling, I think…sometimes. I think it's just… a part of life,” he said at last.Janus looked unconvinced, but sensed his discomfort.“I guess… Have you ever met a guy named ‘Virgil,’ by the way?” He changed the subject.“Virgil? Oh, sure! He’s a hall below us, I think. Tall, emo guy?” Roman said, relieved.“Yes, that’s him. I’ve seen him around- I’m curious. We’ve never really talked.”Roman laughed to himself. That was not surprising.“Yeah, he’s not really the… chatty type. Who were you rooming with before you moved, Janus?”“Me? Oh, I was…I was with Patton. But I don’t know if you’ve met-” Janus began.“Patton?” Roman smiled widely at the mention of the nurse. “Oh yes! I know Patton! We’ve shared a class or two, only really in our first year. He’s always really nice…But, clearly something didn’t work out with you two as roommates? It’s incredible you know Patton, too!” He added, unable to contain his enthusiasm despite their differences.Janus hesitated. He didn’t dislike Patton, exactly, and he didn’t want Roman to feel awkward over their difference of opinions.“Yes..? He was nice enough. I suppose. We just… never seemed to- I mean, no matter what I did, he-”“You just didn’t click? Was he… a bit overbearing?” He laughed. “He can be like that.”“Yes… Well, if anything I was the rude one. I told him to fuck off.”Roman winced. “Ooh, he didn’t like that.”“He… *loved* it actually. We had a shit *ton* of amazing conversations about how fun it was to swear.”“Language,” Roman teased, and Janus raised an eyebrow at him.“*Exactly*,” he said. He rolled his eyes. “So, what do you study, Roman?” he asked pleasantly.Roman laughed. “Take three guesses,” he said, striking a pose.“Hmm…” Janus eyed his muscles. “Sports Team? Football?”Roman stuttered, which looked very amusing on him.“W-what? No… I’m a theater kid!”Janus eyed him in mild surprise. He also wanted more of a reaction out of him.“Hm, really? You look more like a jock-” He teased.“Hey, I *like* to look good!” Roman shrugged. “Anyway, what are you studying?”“Oh, I’m a Political Science student.”“Really? I know, like, nothing about that! So, what’s your end goal? Is it Law School for you?”Ooh, not Janus’ most desirable topic, right now.“...I don’t exactly know, to be honest. I don’t really like government…I suppose it just felt right, in some way?” He frowned.Roman nodded, almost lost in thought. “I get that. I do.”...Janus decided to break the odd silence after a moment.“Who was your roommate, Roman? They can’t be that horrible…”“It was Remy. Oh- uh- You probably don’t know him- He’s-”“Oh,” Janus said, “I do.”Roman winced. “...Yeah, so, like… He never sleeps. He just listens to music all the time. He’s not… the most polite, either-”“Yeah?” Janus smirked. “I bet he brings a bunch of random guys to your room too.”
Roman grimaced. Janus filed that reaction away for later scrutiny.“Yeah… So. How do you know Remy?” he asked quickly.Janus blinked. “Huh.. good question,” he muttered, thinking....“This may sound random,” Roman cut in after a long pause, “But- do you by any chance also know a Logan Metis?”Janus snapped out of his perplexed reverie. “Oh! Logan! Yes… Ah, he and I shared several classes together.”“Really?” Roman looked deeply interested.Janus decided to tell the truth.“Yeah. We both share an interest in Astronomy, for one thing. We’re also in the Book Club together. We’re not super close, but-”Roman opened his mouth. “Have you- Sorry-”“It’s fine.”“Have you known Logan for a long time, then? I mean, longer than college?”“Hm… Yes, when did we first meet? We’ve shared a lot of classes together in Junior High, and I think we first started talking in high school. We were closer, then. Neither of us… had many people to talk to. We didn’t live close to the city,” he added, defensively.“Wait-” Roman suddenly looked very concentrated, (his eyebrows tightly pinched together which Janus hadn’t seen him do yet and looked kinda cute- Stop. Focus.) “Which high school did you go to?” Roman finished slowly. He looked like he already guessed the answer.“...Sandbrook,” Janus said. “It’s not too far from here, actually-”“No way. Sandbrook?! My brother and I went there, too!”“...Huh,” Janus mused. “How odd… I would expect to recognize someone like you. You’d be hard to miss…”“Same to you.” Roman laughed. “I suppose people do change in high school though. But I feel like I would remember you, you have a pretty distinctive face. I was wondering, too- That’s an interesting mark on your face-” Roman mimed covering the left side of his face. “Is that a scar, or-?”Janus flinched and covered it with a hand, looking away.“It’s- It’s nothing. A birthmark,” he said. “I’ve had it as long as I can remember.”Roman looked regretful. “Oh… Sorry I didn’t try to make you upset.”“No.” Janus laughed, tensely. “It’s fine. I should be used to it by now.”“If it’s any consolation, I just thought it was cool,” Roman said.“...Thanks. That’s… ‘not’ any consolation at all,” Janus snipped, not really sure whether to feel flattered by it or not, actually.Roman laughed. “Wow… Have I met a more sarcastic person than Remy so soon?”Janus’ sarcasm returned.“Haha. No- I’m ‘honestly’ so wounded.”“Sure.” Roman smiled. “Anyway, it’s very interesting we’ve lived near each other so long. Logan and Virgil were at Sandbrook, too. I wonder if the others were…”Janus raised a brow. “The odds of that would be…”“-I know,” Roman cut in, “But it seems like fate already treats us strangely, so I wouldn’t be shocked.”...There was a moment’s silence- a calm one this time.“You mentioned you had a brother?” Janus asked. “Is he in theater too?”“...Oh.” Roman looked slightly embarrassed. “You mean Remus. Yes- He is-”Janus laughed in surprise. He couldn’t help himself. (How could this be? They had so many acquaintances in common.)“Remus?! The guy who wanders the halls half-naked every night?”Roman sighed. “He… sleepwalks. …Sorry about that…” For once awkward, he rubbed the back of his neck.Janus smiled. “Haha, no worries, I’ve experienced much weirder things in the past.”Roman opened his mouth, looking like he was about to ask what those ‘weirder things’ were- then thought better of it.“...Well- I’d better get to sleep before I make a total buffoon of myself in tryouts tomorrow. Um… Goodnight? It was nice to meet you?”“Likewise.” Janus smirked. “I think you’re gonna be a much more fun roommate than Patton.”Roman laughed. “Haha, I hope so. I believe we shall get along well, political- candy?- Candsome? Candidate?” He winced.“...That took you a moment.” Janus smirked.Roman looked embarrassed. “Look- I’m too tired for nicknames.”Janus, despite himself, smiled, as he pulled up the covers.“...Rest up, then, Drama Queen.”“‘Night, Sir Sarcasm,” Roman replied.Janus heard the smile in his voice.The room grew very, very quiet, but it was a calm quiet, for once- an *anticipating* quiet.Soon two sets of snores were their only conversation.TBC
…------------------------------
(And there ends our only voice acting session so far that inspired the first section of this entire story. We shall see where this goes! But I have written out much more into the future- it will just take longer to write- It has way more holes to fill. And even this chapter took hours Just adding some lines between the speaking.Wadjathink?Onward, with expectation!
-Estella K.

----- CHAPTER BREAK -----

-----------------“Hey, what’s the rush? It’s just day one.”Teenage Virgil kept his purple head of hair low, and tried not to attract the attention that was already attracted, like screws to a cringing magnet.“You’re all idiotic.” Virgil’s low drone didn’t quite manage to hide the feeling of rising panic to have all these not-quite-friendly eyes on him as he tried to stave off a panic attack. “Just leave me alone, already, won’t you?”“We’re not the ones who need help,” one responded, and even if they had meant well, that was not the correct choice of words to lower his anger or his panic.“Just go away.”Why were they being this pushy anyway?It was just day one in this new class. Week three of semester one. Junior year. Oh, God- why did it have to be this class? Virgil was tough; if it were occurring at any other time he would be able to withstand the frankly innocent questions- but he wasn’t up to it. Not today......(He thought High School was supposed to get easier by now. It never had.)“Emo toothpick,” said another guy, much bigger than him. He was a full grown adult, maybe a Junior, held back a couple years. Maybe a jock. “You look like you’re fresh out of one of those old Tim Burnold-something movies. Not that- I mean, it looks cool, man. I just didn’t expect to see *that* in a History class.”Virgil watched him gesture at all of him, and felt something like shame creep over his body. But after all- they weren't wrong. It was rare to see someone as obviously trans as him.But as for the outfit- Well, it was just what he wore. What was so odd about it? Still, Virgil knew how rare it was to see full Emo attire in school here… It was a small school and dressing nicer would probably make no difference in their reactions to him. It didn’t take all the would-be-friendly comments to show it."It's just what I wear," he said, trying to keep all emotion out of his voice, all but anger.“Yeah, but who wears all that makeup on such a hot day? And as an adult, too? Or- young adult.”"Still, a pretty well-explored one, I bet you know how to do it by now-"“Shut it, guys. Get away from me.” Virgil had to keep his voice harsher than what could be considered polite, to stop his voice from shaking. This tall guy wasn’t bringing back great memories.And his less-than-friendly attitude (imagined or not) was attracting a less-than-friendly crowd.“Oh- What the Hell-”Glaring down at his pile of books with his History book on top, Virgil clenched his hands harder around his supplies and made to walk out of the room.He was feeling reaching hands brush the air around him, hearing voices from the crowd call out to him, in concern- but he just wanted to leave. He wanted out of there.He wanted out-…"Just stay away from me, guys. I don't want to talk. And you're not being as considerate as you think you are," Virgil said, on the verge of another panic attack, present day."Dude- we're really just trying to help-""Well, don't." Virgil shoved them. His breath was beginning to shorten now. Not good. "Give me some space. GET OUT OF MY WAY- PLEASE!!"They weren't quite backing away yet- not quickly enough, anyway, when a new voice rang over all the rest of them:“I’d just like you guys to know that I have that entire exchange on camera, and if you guys don’t leave the Emo alone, *now*, I’m going to take it straight to the Head.”A new voice rang clearly throughout the emptying lecture hall, and Virgil froze, back to the present, abandoning his escape.Who was this new guy that so daringly- and ostentatiously- defended him as he fended off his panic?Was he a friend, or enemy, in Virgil’s quickly-heightening need to be alone?The guys all around him looked slightly irritated or insulted; a few looked nervous. They all backed off, perhaps they were drawn to his suffering (the brainless oafs; what? Panic made him cynical) but they were not completely lacking in brains.So they fled, in more mature, adult ways than he was used to: hurrying off to class with only half-glances at the Emo, some with pity, some with regret.So, Virgil thought again, who was this so-called ‘savior’ who had spoken for him? Hopefully not another martyr, come to claim the prize of basic human decency…Shoving the deep-purple bangs out of his eyes, he lifted his head and turned to face his savior.He still kept the hoodie up over his ears, and the old black headphones, blaring music gently, confidingly, and the pile of books- something to give him an excuse to hunch over, to hide his face from view- and to hide the lips, trembling and quivering as he held off the tears welling in shadowed brown eyes- from this intense gaze.There was a moment of silence, as neither he nor the guy who had helped him spoke up first.He was standing with his hands on his hips, though they quickly dropped to his sides as Virgil glanced at him; his green eyes were burning with something that could be called fierceness as he glanced away from Virgil in the direction most of the guys- and a couple of the girls- had gone to. He wore a green T-shirt, soft-looking even from across the room, with the logo of the Theater group stamped across it, and was actually fidgeting slightly as he eyed Virgil.(That was one of the things that made this bearable to Virgil: *He* was scared too.)Virgil looked, and then realized he had started to stare, because, like, something about him was *so familiar*…The guy- who was he?- seemed to sense Virgil’s mood shift, because he took several steps closer, eying Virgil’s face, and then sighed in relief. His shoulders deflated as if he was an air-filled balloon and not a human.“Oh, good- I worried you might be the mean one there for a moment and I would have to flee for my life, I'm not so good at word fights.” said the boy- teen, the relief so obvious in his face- and a particle of Virgil’s panic blinked away.(He thought *I* was scary?)Maybe it was confusion over that completely ridiculous thought that made him stammer:“Wha- Who are you…Why are you..?”…The guy had gotten distracted, staring around at nothing, but now he turned back, green eyes suddenly lighting up in a smile. It looked softer than Virgil expected on that defined face.“Ah- I’m… Remus,” he answered. An element of caution traced his upper lip like the frail mustache he was growing there. He glanced to the side (what was he looking at?) and then returned his full attention to Virgil."Sup," He held out a hand (for a shake?) and smiled slightly. “Who are you?”Virgil didn’t really answer right away, although he moved his hand. He paused when he realized that Remus was staring. Not at nothing this time- that would be preferable- but at *him*.When he furrowed his brows to tell him to stop, Remus' eyes snapped away before he could say anything, and he blinked, unusually hard and slow. (Did Virgil imagine how his cheeks turned pink?)“Sorry…” he mumbled, shaking himself and giving Virgil an apologetic smile. He squeezed his eyes tight, then tilted his head. “It’s just… odd. I feel like I recognize you from somewhere,” he said, “and I don’t know why.” Virgil nodded.“Likewise.” Virgil realized he had still never given his name. “Me- I'm called- I’m Virgil,” he said, wincing as the words tumbled out in disarray, and he had to stutter as he corrected himself.“Virgil.” The other guy- Remus- was still staring into his eyes. “...Huh.”He seemed to realize how far the silence spiraled, or maybe he was alerted to that by Virgil’s still-slightly-erratic breathing, and his clenching hands.At some point Virgil had reached out his hand in response to Remus’ gesture- well, his sleeve, really, because he had ridiculously long sleeves, and now Remus reached out, and he was just holding it, both of their arms extended awkwardly across the gap of a few feet's distance…Remus glanced down, too. He looked apologetic and at least slightly concerned about Virgil’s reaction, but spoke with bravado anyway as he made his point.“Those guys are idiots not to realize you needed space. But-um- I hope you would tell me if you needed me to leave, too?”(Honestly? Virgil wasn’t sure he wanted him to.)And anyway-“They weren’t really teasing on purpose. They were just curious." (Not like before, he thought.) "And who’s to blame them?” he mumbled, regretfully. “I’m not the usual sight to see, at college. Or…anywhere, really. Those guys were right.”“They were wrong about it being weird,” Remus said quietly. “If that's the impression you got. You’re super cute, by the way, not weird at all… Virgil. And that Emo stuff’s so fucking cool. I hope it's not weird, me calling you cute, by the way. Not everyone likes it,” he added."Um- I'm really glad you stepped in just there. You knew exactly what to do, huh?" Virgil mumbled.(Actually, Remus didn’t know that many people with Anxiety- he had problems of his own. But he was okay with it. He’d be a bit of a hypocrite for not accepting other people’s mental states.)"You were really brave. You're a brave person."Virgil- unused to being complimented (much less by someone so open and smiling and cute, himself) felt his face go very red as he tried to tell himself it was just a cruel lie.“N-No I’m not,” he muttered. He avoided Remus’ eye but sensed how Remus’ smile faded by the way his hand drooped, dragging his hoodie sleeve with it. “Thanks for getting me out of that crowd but now please leave me alone.”He shook his sleeve, loosening Remus’ hold.He felt rather guilty as he sensed Remus slump further in his peripheral vision, an arm hugging himself. He sighed, forcing himself to say one little apology.“I’m sorry, but it’s nothing personal. I just want time alone, *please.*”(He still just wanted to curl up into a ball and cry.)Remus, however, didn't release his hoodie sleeve. He also didn’t back away or give any sign of disappointment.He just said, in a soft, muted voice, “That’s okay. I just want to make sure you’re okay before I go. Because it seems like that situation was really hard on you, and I don’t want you to break down with no one to help.”Virgil felt very small. Under those all-seeing eyes, with that cautious hand holding his hoodie sleeve and that soft smile turned toward him, he focused on that one, warm smile so near his own and actually felt… alright.“I-I don’t know what to do about this-” He began shakily, and then since he had been holding out far too long now, the sobs fought to his throat and his eyes clouded with unwilling tears.(He couldn’t stop, but he was so ashamed to fall apart like this in front of a stranger. That made things feel worse.)His hands and body were shaking- He couldn’t breathe- It felt like there was a knife between his ribs…He couldn’t stop. He had expected to repel this stranger. He felt awkward having him so close. He was the one who pulled away first. But he still felt disappointed and hurt when that warm hand on his sleeve slid away.Still, from his curled up position on the floor (how did he get on the floor?) he recognized that Remus hadn’t left; he was just standing at slightly more of a distance now, his hand hovering unsurely in the air.Virgil whined; this wasn't a good time for this, but he couldn't exactly stop either. And right after this guy had called him brave...But, Remus didn't seem to be judging him.He was staring at Virgil’s huddled form with this horrified sympathy on his face, that somehow made Virgil feel better *and* worse. Better, because at least Remus was still hesitating, still *here* for him… worse, because he never liked to show his nerves in front of anyone.It made him feel so damned weak.And he felt so guilty; he had scared the only guy who had a nice word to say to him in *days.*“I-I’m s-sorry,” he managed, taking gulping breaths as soon as he was able to breathe, wasting his oxygen to apologize. “I c-c-c-can’t stop…. I’m trying to c-c-calm down, but-”The hand on his own was surprisingly gentle.“Hey- Hey, it’s okay. Relax, I’m not upset. I just want to make sure you’re okay. Um- can I…Can I hold you? You seem like you need that right now.” He sounded incredibly awkward, but sincere, as he drew slightly closer again.Virgil managed a teary laugh. This boy had very good intentions, but- He still felt such an irrational panic at the thought that it took his breath away.“I do look like it, don’t I?” he mumbled between hitched gasps."I'll only get close if you want me to. I'll back off if you panic more," Remus said softly.Virgil nodded, pulling his arms tight against his stomach, trying to breathe.He hesitated, then nodded. After all, he couldn't do this all by himself. Nodding to this stranger felt so strange, surreal. Anxious, breathless and giddy, his anxiety still tumbled out of control, but there was a tiny warm spark of hope in the mix too- like butterflies, when Remus reached out a hand and touched his back."Is this... okay? You can nod or shake.""Y-yes. Fine." He managed to nod again and wrapped his arms around himself, protection against the odd situation, as Remus stepped cautiously forward and scooted on his bottom to wrap an arm around his back. Virgil leaned into the arm despite himself, and sighed- a trembling, wavering sigh through the receding sobs. He felt too tired to hold back any longer, and let it all out.…Some time passed and Virgil felt calmer. Remus still hadn’t moved, continuingly to simply hold Virgil and run little circles along his back.“...S-sorry,” Virgil whispered shakily, as his tears slowed slightly.The arm held him still tighter.“It's okay,” his new acquaintance murmured. “Just… Just take your time and breathe, okay?”“K-Kay,” Virgil hicupped, feeling like a fool. But mainly he felt warm inside that someone was still holding him. (Even if it was no one who cared for him especially much.)No, no that was unfair. 'He called me brave,' Virgil reminded himself. 'I'm brave. I can handle this.'And it was nice to have someone hold him.Virgil’s tears had basically subsided, and he wiped his eyes with the sleeve of his jacket, which had purple cuffs on it, taking deep, laborious breaths to try and stem the flow.“...Oh, holy shit,” he muttered, annoyed, as the black from his eyeliner rubbed off onto his sleeve. He grumbled. "That's gonna take forever to scrub off."He felt Remus laugh against him, the gentle, comforting arm jiggling against his back, and he felt the low rumble against his chest. Something inside him felt very warm again, feeling that laugh, and a tiny smile leaked onto his face.Some of the tension of his panic faded, although now Virgil felt a little embarrassed by his sudden surge of anger- and his response to Remus’ arms, just now.“Sorry, uh- I don’t usually throw cuss words around like that,” he said sheepishly. (He would never admit to what he felt when Remus held him close.)Remus laughed softly, the vibrations against Virgil’s own chest again making Virgil smile reluctantly, too.“Hehe- Let it rip, Anxsty, I’m not one of the sensitive types,” he said.Virgil could hear the teasing in his voice, (maybe he had a little brother) and he felt calmer.He always felt safer around those who could tease with a smile.…They began to feel time pass after a while. Even after Virgil felt almost completely calm, they still stayed like that much longer. Virgil didn't really want to be alone and... Remus never said a word of complaint.Eventually, Virgil felt safe enough to go back to his room and fix his eyeshadow and eyeliner, which was definitely running down his face by now. Remus said a cheery goodbye and asked him if he wanted to meet up after class next time and exchange numbers.Virgil said fine, then fled.(He didn’t know what that was. Well- he did, but he was in denial.)And Remus was left in that room of discovery, alone in the silence of a hundred stands of seating, a lecture hall, rising up to the back.And he wondered what had just begun.…At last, he made his way thoughtfully to Roman’s floor section, where he found him in his favorite study spot.“Hey, Robro?” he asked quietly. “What is the best way to deal with a panic attack?”Roman paused mid sentence writing an essay, and looked up at him in surprise.“...Let’s ask Logan,” he said after a pause. "I bet he knows."…Virgil paused in his bedroom to turn up his music louder. It was days since he had that panic attack and Remus had been there to support him; now he prepared his eyeshadow in the mirror for a friend coming over (guess who?) and tried to surrender to his excited, whirling thoughts about the night to come.…Even if many of the unrelated, worried thoughts brought on his nerves, less-than-cheerful. In general he was excited about today.…Virgil’s life, the parts that were most recent, anyway, could be summarized as ‘one big pile of shit.’ But that was if you were feeling festive.
In reality… Virgil was *okay*…
(Anyway, he knew people who were worse).
He hadn’t had the crappiest childhood. Granted, Virgil had been shunted from foster parent to foster parent a bit as a young child, but none were that bad. After a while, he found a family, and they were okay.
…And they were still ‘okay.’
(They never really got past the “it’s all okay; we’ll survive this” stage of parenting.)His dad may have drunk a little more than was normal for the Dad of a twelve-year-old. It was fine, though. He wasn’t the one who wanted a kid in the house. Especially a moody and anxiety-ridden little girl. He would go all growly and baritone and barricade himself in his office, probably to drink or smoke more- which yeah, he also used to do- and that was their cue to never try to drag him out.(Virgil sometimes wondered what would happen if they did force him out, though. Would it be like in those redemption movies, where he would emerge remorseful and ready to change, or like one of those dark, grown-up movies, terrifying and brutal? Would he be as quiet and subdued in rage as he usually was, or angry, throwing glass and punching walls and roaring at him that he was a failure and a mistake, like the worst ones did in the movies?)He didn’t live in fear, though. He just lived in semi-isolation for most of his life.His mom was fine. She was sweet, and pretty, with dark, cautious eyes that many said he’d inherited, unaware that he was adopted- and a fringe of sleek, dark hair. She never quite understood, but she cared. Virgil may be the one adopted into the family, but he adopted most of his awkward, caring-but-distant stances, and his crooked smirk, and most of his mental health 'instant-fixes'- like ice cream, and movies- from his mother.He had also, to an extent, adopted a devil-may-care attitude as a teen. That was very different from her persona, which was so full of care that it hurt, yet so far away that it left an empty hole in Virgil’s heart. That was what led him to be Emo, in a way.It wasn’t exactly rebellious.He still loved her dearly, but he didn’t always have her to help him. It wasn’t death, but she just began to drift away after the divorce, yet another sign that it had been a long time coming. Now, she never visited unless He was gone. Thank God his dad improved his habits in his new life, but things were still tough without Mom there. But things had improved lately, and then- he'd gotten away to college.…Anyway, Virgil hadn’t had much at Sandbrook. Now, he could hardly believe all he stood to earn.…And now that knocking on the door invaded his tunes, to symbolize yet again what he stood to earn: That happy little rap on his door was his friend, out there and waiting to be let in. Virgil stood from his bed as the banging reached his ears and finally registered fully for what they meant.

...Holy Shit. This was so terrifying. And so elating, too.…Remus didn’t ask much of him right away, which Virgil appreciated. Must be a brother thing- (had he asked yet if he had a brother?) He simply took him down the hall to his favorite spot, where they grabbed some snacks and Remus asked him what he liked to do for fun. (Virgil answered with “music and art,” which was true, and that seemed to pique Remus’s interest, as he asked him further along those lines.“What kinds of art do you like?” he’d asked, narrowly avoiding walking into a beam as he turned his head to gaze at his new angsty friend.“Oh, uh- anything Emo, and also- I’m a photographer. I’m taking photography and filming classes because its the least ‘stagefright- inducing’ part of moviemaking- and uh, also I love movies,” Virgil said. He had his hands in his black hoodie pockets and fiddled with the things in them as he walked. It made this less nerve-inducing.Remus thought, and said, "That's really frickin' cool! Excuse my French offshoot." (which seemed to be his go-to when he was really excited. It was endearing, really.)…Remus loved bugging Logan, apparently- some offish older-looking kid who Remus apparently had met on day one and hadn’t stopped bugging since. Ands Virgil half-imagined that maybe they knew each other before college, too. Although his other mutual classmates with Logan very rarely showed signs of noticing, Remus said he was fairly sure that Logan enjoyed their little exchanges of wit, as well.Remus apparently had very little filter when talking about things he did with friends. Apparently, Remus got the feeling that Logan was a little lonely, so whenever he got the chance to give him a moment of casual debate, he did. Thus, they were mutual good friends.(Virgil wasn’t sure if that was why Remus liked him, too, or if there was more to it than that. Either way, they got along, and Virgil was happy to have a friend.)This time, Remus was with Virgil when he met Logan in the hallway, and Logan looked a tad surprised, before he quickly adjusted."Greetings! I presume you are Virgil? I have heard about you from a friend in breif," Logan explained smoothly. "I heard your photographs were rather ethereal, in fact, and that you're an editor for films?""Yup, that's me." Virgil didn't even ask who this 'friend' who knew about him was. He just extended his hand for a shake, and Logan took it, and smiled.Logan returned to seriousness so quickly though. (Too bad, Virgil kinda liked that nerd's smile...)“Sup, Lolo!” Remus exclaimed rushing forward… and Virgil noticed how the otherwise emotionless face of the young adult was, again, diverted into a smile as he placed his notebook to the side and eyed Remus. Virgil watched in slight awe as they dived headfirst into their next pointless debate- which was truly ridiculous to the extreme, just as Remus had warned him.“...Logo, who in the world knows what they’re doing 24 hours of the day? ‘Cause I sure don’t.”(They were back to it; the age-old debate according to Remus, of scheduling- or lack of it. And Remus loved it.)“Those who keep a planner.” Logan tapped his book, smiling smugly, and only Remus could probably see the amusement flickering in those ink-blue eyes. (But Virgil could too, and it amused him.)Remus raised an eyebrow. “But no one keeps a planner so perfect that it tracks everything that could ever happen in a day- it’s impossible,” Remus expanded, leaving Logan trapped.“No, Remus, Improbable. Surely, you can at least use the proper terminology when speaking to me?” Logan said cooly, and Remus choked back a laugh.“Whoa, someone’s feeling extra snarky this morning.”“OOh, Remus, he’s got you cornered,”Virgil said shaking his head, and trying to stifle a laugh at Remus' antics. (Who would have thought this Logan nerd had such a playful side? he thought to himself.)Remus squinted harder at the sardonic tone of Virgil’s voice, and tried to look displeased. (It was very difficult since he was so pleased they seemed to get along and that there was a smile in Virgil’s voice.)Remus narrowed his eyes, leaning up, theatrically casual, against the wall. “Ok, let’s say- hypothetically- that an alien invasion sets a massive fire all over Florida and steals your boyfriend. You couldn’t plan for that, could you?”“That will never happen,” Logan said coolly, with a tiny raise of his eyebrows. Deep down in the recesses of a private heart, he was a little embarrassed. Even though everyone knew Remus was gay, few knew that Logan was. (He couldn’t possibly know, right? They hadn’t even really hung out together, him and P…)“I know, I said hypothetically.” Remus frowned very slightly when Logan seemed to shake out of a thought, a deeper-than-secret one, based on his eyes. “...Lo? You okay, buddy?”...Suddenly, Virgil sniggered. He couldn’t hold back his amusement that this was what Remus did with his time. It was very quiet, and very stifled, but Remus took it as a win. And he promptly forgot about continuing the argument- he figured he’d better release Logan from this conversation if he was taking it as seriously, anyway. So, they said goodbye to Logan (who did manage a normal smile and waved at them) and Virgil decided to take them back to his room for a while.

"Bye, Logie!" Remus shouted.

Logan covered his face in embarrassment, just as a blue-clad teenager with glasses approached him with a wave and smile."Hey, Logie! Wanna hang out and work on homework in my room?"..."...Who was that?" Virgil wondered aloud as Remus and him traipsed back along the hall to Virgil's room.They made their way down a flight of stairs and Virgil led him to his dorm door.Virgil unlocked it. He gestured Remus in first.…It was Emo of course, dark with purple and bruise-colored posters on the wall. Remus stepped in, and it was kinda like entering another world, in all honesty. A dark, Edgar-Allen-Poe sort of other world; he liked the vibes. Super exciting.“Here you go,” Virgil said slightly awkwardly, and one glance told Remus Virgil's roommate was away, which made this feel way less awkward. You could never be sure a roommate liked you even if the other one did....Remus figured he should say something before the voices in his head got weird again or before he lost his nerve.“...Well, that was Logan. As you now know. He’s really nice; a bit stern, though.
He's not usually that snarky, you got him on a 'hot' day,” Remus covered his laugh with a cough, and then smiled at Virgil.Virgil forced a laugh, slightly awkward (although there was warmth to it).

Remus had hoped he would smile again because he loved the way he looked with that smile. Virgil looked cute when he laughed. His awkward side-smile, coffee brown eyes crinkled up under long brown bangs, just drew Remus in and brought a smile to his *own* face that few could coax out. (Even if Remus smiled all the time, only his brother could always get him to smile.)Remus thought he owed Logan a clarification to his initial statement. “Uh- we’re *friends*, by the way. He’s not really dating- well- anyone- Oh, yeah, and he’s not gay…” He trailed off, as he just revealed something he hadn't meant to yet, but obviously, with Virgil he was less nervous than with anyone else.(Well, there we go again, Remus. You couldn’t keep your mouth shut and now he knows you’re gay.Oh well. Over-revealing was basically his brand anyway.Yeah, but he’s probably gonna just leave and not hang out now because he thinks you’re a creep for all your lewd jokes and never talk to you again and-)Virgil only turned very slightly pink under the foundation.“So, you’re kind of funny. I’m in trouble,” Virgil said, drily and- was that a twinkle in those dark, Emo eyes?(Oh boy, Remus liked him.)Virgil glanced down at his hands, folded on his lap as he sat on the bed. The dim light shadowed his face for a moment, before he stared back up at Remus under the bangs, but the awkwardness hovered for a moment longer.Remus was still standing, unsure to take the other bed.Uncharacteristically, because someone had to do it, Virgil broke the silence.“...So, uh, we have games- I mean my *roommate* does; but I’m sure we can borrow them. What do you like? Wait and see what he packed. We have-” He seemed to blush as he leaned way over to dig out a box and start rifling around in it, turned so he was not quite turning his back to Remus, and glancing through what they had. “Board games, card games, random other crafts…And stuff.”“Card games sound good,” Remus said, sitting cross-legged on the carpet- a dark, purple one. "A board game could be cool, later."he glanced around at all the posters on the walls, still trying to take in the vibe of the room....Very Emo.Virgil wriggled down from his perch on the bed and settled onto the carpet to join Remus. He looked much more comfortable there, and Remus wondered if he was the type to just lie on the carpet in theaters at break time- (not, of course, that he was a performer, but he still gave that vibe).Then Remus watched Virgil for a moment.Virgil’s wrists were bangled in black and purple bands. He wore black paint on his nails. He dug long spindly fingers into the box, and began pulling out games- barely glancing at each as he explained what they were.“Uh- Let’s see… There’s Uno, a normal card deck, Stratego (but that takes all day), and- uh- Trouble,” he muttered as he glanced through the pile of games. "Huh, he usually takes more up to college weekends. So-" Virgil looked up, and met him, full on, before blinking. "What do you want to play?"Remus grinned, sitting up straighter. “Trouble,” he said.“Why am I not surprised?” Still, Virgil looked amused, and not irritated, as they got it out of the box and began to play.They spent many rounds, each gloating with more vigor each time they managed to send an enemy piece back to start. Remus hadn’t expected to find a guy who liked playing simple games with him as much as this; although at some point Virgil got slightly bored and they stopped the game, it was still super fun while it lasted.Then they switched to cards, talking and teasing slightly-less-cautiously than before, as they taught each other new card games. They tried Egyptian Rat Slap (Virgil called it “Ratscrew,” which cracked Remus up) then moved on to Poker. Remus even went so far as to dig out some coins to bet and place them on the purple-dyed carpet swirl that was between them. To his surprise, Virgil reciprocated, not with coins but with brightly-colored candy, which brought their game to a more competitive level.They were finally settling down (Virgil munching on a small mountain of candy he’d easily won back since Remus had no poker face at all); Remus had a couple borrowed pieces, too, and he was munching lazily. Virgil was looking more relaxed than Remus had ever seen him before.He looked way more at home in his personal space than in the classroom. Well, that was unsurprising, since Remus was an extravert and still felt that way too.They got out Stratego, and played for *hours,* still lightly chatting about this and that like: Remus' theater experience, Virgil's photography classes; Animation, Comedy, and Music Artists...No surprise, their styles were quite different: Remus liked comedy, while Virgil liked horror- but they also had quite a bit in common, especially pastimes.They were in their own little bubble world, and they had almost forgotten that it was a regular school night and they had classes tomorrow....To their surprise, there was a brisk knock on the door as the clock hand reached 7:00 p.m.Since they hadn’t expected anyone, but also hadn’t locked the door, Virgil and Remus just exchanged a glance before Virgil went to open the door.Virgil called, “Come in!” (His voice clearly asked why someone wanted to. The only person who regularly entered this room was away for the weekend, visiting his parents.)“Ah… I hope I haven’t… interrupted anything?” asked a smooth, confused voice.An… oddly familiar voice…Remus followed Virgil to the door and his eyes narrowed in surprise, seeing who was at the door.“...Janus?” He asked, and at the same time Virgil turned to him, confusion in his eyes.

"How do you know him?"

“What are you doing here?” Remus asked, at the same moment, forgetting that Virgil was clueless as to what was happening, he was so surprised to see his former brother again....Not much later, after that odd meeting with 'Janus,' Remus had become very distracted. Virgil hadn't wanted to keep him much later, since he was clearly tired and needed time to think. So, they said goodbye after arranging a time for another chat. The time would be just two days later, so Virgil was looking forward to that.…Virgil lost himself in thought yet again as their second “date” drew to a close. Today, they stayed much later than they had the time before, the time which Janus unintentionally interrupted by knocking on the wrong door looking for a 'Logan'.

Tonight, they moved into the common space away from their respective roommates for their next meeting- who were definitely trying to get some much-needed rest by now. Apparently- who would have thought- time spent with friends who cared about you really improved mental state.

Virgil's thoughts today were less frantic. They felt… almost calm, in fact.He was considering getting those safe-for-teens anxiety meds Remus had told him about, Buspa-something, and then he might actually be okay, for the first time in his life…"Hah! Beat that, suckah!" Remus jeered.“...Hey-! At least let me set my card down before you jeer- UNO!-” He hissed, crashing back to the present moment with a glare. He had thankfully managed to shout UNO before Remus could shush him so he still stood a chance at winning.They were cross-legged on the carpet in the nearly-deserted common area. It was- like- really late night, or early morning. Virgil’s roommate wasn’t back yet, but he would be returning soon, and they wanted to give him time to settle in and not welcome her back with Remus- a stranger- still sitting on their shared carpet playing UNO with Virgil.“Aw, darn,” Remus said, too l late to call Virgil's 'UNO'. “Foiled again.” But then he threw down his best of three cards, grinning his best shit-eating grin as Virgil stared down at the pile in dread to see…“Draw four, LOSER,” Remus sing-songed, sticking out his tongue like the moronic rotten child he was, and failing to drag the indignant scowl from Virgil’s face that he’d meant to show. Instead, Virgil had to duck his head low to hide a smile, and he drew the four cards as instructed, with an overly dramatic sigh.Life was… pretty good actually, he reflected with a small smile that had nothing to do with the victory dance Remus was doing in his seat- (Nope, totally not). Surprise was lifting his chest and making him feel light for the first time in so long. Life could even be really good- and he was so glad to have Remus here to show him that.He suppressed a yawn.Remus and him should return to their dorms soon. It must be super late.…Remus zombie-walked back to his-and-his-roommate’s shared dorm room, at about twenty minutes after he said goodbye to Virgil- which meant it was now around 2:32- to 2:33 a.m. ...Ish.He had to stay around a little longer in the dorm common room to do some quick creative writing- since after all that talk, his head was now spinning too much to go straight up to bed. It was mainly spinning with Virgil, although a healthy dose of Janus kept him wide-eyed too.He had actually put a lot of effort to straighten out his thoughts. The whole way up to his dorm room, his head swirled with thoughts about his old brother anyway. And Virgil; he had a lot to think about with his new friend as well. As it was so late (or early?) the thoughts spun in disorder. They were sometimes unreasonable thoughts, but generally they were exciting thoughts. Although he did imagine some phantom voices in the air around him- old voices of bullies- calling, ‘Remus, why are you leaving so soon?,’ he ignored them. And nothing worse happened than a female voice whispering: "And now he's opening his door."Remus sighed, as he let himself in. It was late, so voices were nothing to concern himself about. Everyone let their guard down at night.He let his thoughts wander away from the phantoms in his brain....So, apparently, Remus’ brother was moving in with a new roommate. That was what Janus had told him at least. (And boy- he still hadn’t gotten over the wild odds of Janus being his brother’s roommate now. What a world it was.)Janus liked his new roommate, Roman. Remus' brother. He read into it- not that that was easy- that maybe he liked him as close friends already, which was pretty rare since it took Janus a lot of time to trust anyone. Remus would know- he had lived with him for several years.That still wasn’t the most surprising part of this, and (considering from the countless hours of complaints about Roman’s old roommate) neither had liked their previous arrangements at all. So, maybe their roomie standards were low. (Not that Janus or Roman were low standards at all- they were both amazing!)

But! It was still very, very obvious from both of them they liked rooming together quite a lot more, which was great!Of course, Janus spoke with little certainty, swathing his words in doubts and double-backs, but it seemed pretty obvious that Roman *like-liked* Janus too. (Even if Janus didn’t dare admit it to himself how good that was for him.)Remus cackled to himself- very quietly, so he wouldn’t be told of by an RA yet.This could get very interesting, and any good brother would stick his nose in a bit to see what happened next. It would be a good show.…But what was surprising to Remus- even a little unnerving- was the odds that it would be Janus. Janus, out of the hundreds of others, Janus, who was set on a college track so opposed to Roman’s own it was wild; Janus who…. Well, to be honest, who didn’t seem eager to continue his career after high school let out and he had time to himself again. He was always a bit selfish, but not in a bad way.Remus hadn’t even known Janus had come to this college.But above all, Remus wondered if they- he and Janus- could return to being really close again (platonically) like they had in the old days. He knew they had their bad days but... Was that too wild a hope?……Remus had never told anyone, not even his brother, but once, years ago, he and Janus had lived in the same foster home for several years. Remus had his reasons to keep his mouth zipped, even if it was rare for him to keep quiet about anything. Janus was a very private person, and admitting that either of them was in foster care as kids felt a little unfaithful, especially contrasted to Janus' careful concealment of all *Remus'* problems. (Or, well, most of them.) Also, now in a way Janus held something over his head because he was so great at keeping Remus' old secrets. Though he doubted he'd ever use it, it made Remus no less comfortable: Remus wouldn’t want his secrets that the other knew revealed either, in this case. Janus had seen him during some of his worst days- and even his blood brother Roman didn’t know the full of it.And yet, by miracle or chance (and Remus didn’t really believe in miracles) Roman and his old adoptive ‘brother’ would now be sharing a room in the same college. And Remus… he would need some time to process that.He went home that night with the surprised-but clearly pleased- face of Janus as he greeted him at the door still burned into his mind, and found it very hard to go to sleep until he’d cleared some of the thoughts away.He downed one of the ADHD pills (and the *other* kind too, with a grimace) on his bedside table, sipped some water, and waited for his thoughts to turn in another direction, as he slowly drifted into dreamland…---------- Sup, mates? Hopefully it read pretty good? I think I wrote Remus/Virgil well. Especially after edits, I think their friendship is gonna be really sweet.
There is more backstory on the way...Until next time! -Estella K