Work Text
March 28, 2011
They walked out of the theatre, arms linked, bracing themselves against the night chill. She knew exactly how it looked. But, to be honest, she didn't really care.Moments like these were rare. Moments when she could lose herself in a feeling. So she was going to enjoy it while it lasted."I can't believe I fell for it." She laughed as she leaned into him."Fell for what?" He smiled through his confusion, too caught up in
her
to give it too much thought."I actually believed
you
- of all people - hadn't seen Forbidden Planet."His jaw dropped, he had been busted. "What gave me away?""You were muttering under your breath, reciting lines." The classic Beckett eye roll - the one he secretly loved, that was accompanied by her winning smile - was out in full force tonight."Ah, yes. That would give one away, wouldn't it?" He hadn't even noticed he was doing it. And, to be honest, he was a little embarrassed.She pulled her arm from his, rounding her car to get into the drivers seat. "Get in the car." She called out, noticing he had stopped."Oh, I didn't drive this morning so I was just going to catch a cab."She positioned herself behind the opened door, using it to stop some of the wind chill from hitting her. "I'll drive you home.""That's like a half hour detour from here." He argued for the sake of being painful, partially hoping to invoke another eye roll.She shrugged. "I figured you could buy me a burger to make up for it." She slid into her seat, closing the car door, not giving him the chance to decline. Not that she thought he would. She knew his mild protests were half-hearted."Okay, if you insist." He muttered to himself before racing to get into the passengers seat.When he got in the car, she was smiling victoriously... as if going to Remy's wasn't
originally
his idea. But he would let her have this 'win'. He was just relishing in the fact that
she
was the one trying to extend their time together for a change."Can't keep me out too late, detective." He reluctantly informed her. "I have an early flight tomorrow." And as much as he would love to stay out all night with her, he
really
didn't travel well. He needed a good nights sleep, especially if he was expected to head straight into meetings when his flight landed."I am aware. I promise, I'll have you home before bedtime." She smirked. "Since when do you start your tours mid-week, though?""My schedule for today cleared up so I opted for a later flight. Finish up the case, spend more time with y-uh, everyone..." he peaked at her through the corner of his eye, trying to gauge if she had picked up on that little stumble. Her brow, furrowed in frustration at a driver who had cut her off, told him he was safe.They arrived at the diner just ten minutes later, taking their seat at their usual booth. Soon enough, two large plates were placed in front of them with their favourite burgers and a serving of fries to share."So... what
was
the plan for today? Before it cleared up." She asked, curiousness getting the better of her. There was a part of her that wanted to know what he would be doing when he wasn't with her. Were his days packed full? Or would he have plenty of down time? Secretly, she wanted to know if he would have time to miss her. Because when she was facing long days at the precinct without him, she was
pretty sure
she would miss his antics. She would never admit that, though."I
was
supposed to be on Late Night..." he checked his watch, "right about now. But my spot was pulled. Ryan Reynolds is promoting a new movie. I mean, I can't compete with that.""Compete? With Ryan Reynolds?" She was kind enough to not laugh in his face, he had to give her credit for that."Right. So now I'm on Thursday night, instead. Which is fine... Thursday was going to be a pretty light day anyway. Mostly just meetings."Meetings and TV shows. The same TV shows that had A-list actors as guests. Sometimes she forgot that he was a celebrity..."Two weeks in LA." She mused aloud. Oh, the trouble he could get into. "Is Alexis going with you?""No she has exams." He sighed. "I told her I could get her out of them... but she's so much more responsible than I was at that age."She chuckled. "At that age?""Any age, really." He shot her an irritated look that couldn't be mistaken... she'd hit a nerve. But the look was replaced with a more tender concentration. "That kid amazes me sometimes."She smiled, recognising that tender look for what it was - pride. "She's a pretty amazing kid." She added. Occasionally he needed someone else - an outside party - to reassure him that he hadn't screwed up this 'dad' gig. She was more than happy to be that person."This is my first tour without her." He confessed. "So I, uh... I got them to split it. Two weeks away, a week here in the city doing the bare minimum, so I can annoy Alexis as much as possible, and then another two weeks for the greater Tri-State region.""It's nice that you can do that. I was under the impression everything was just kind of planned for you... you just had to
show up.""It is... usually. But, Gina picked up on my hesitation, I guess. She knew I wasn't too keen on this tour and she asked how she could make it easier for me."Ah, Gina. Of course she would be there, too.The woman's name still stirred the feeling of betrayal within her, despite how much things had changed since that day... the day he had left for the Hamptons with his ex-wife and publicist. She smiled, biting into her burger as an excuse to not say anything. To hide her face, her reaction, from him.This moment, caught up in a feeling, gone."Hey, Josh." She answered after four rings.Castle looked around the diner, trying not to listen in to the conversation - even though curiosity was already eating away at him. She had said Josh was working late... he had thought he'd have her all to himself tonight.
Cool it, Castle, he reminded himself."Um, sure." She paused for a moment, studying Castle and his reactions to her half of this conversation. "I'm not home yet, but I'm not far."Castle maintained his best poker face, fixing his slumped shoulders before she could notice the change in demeanour. The night had to come to an end eventually, right?"Of course. Make yourself at home. I'll see you soon."Home? He was already at her apartment? He had a key? Of course he had a key... he probably had a drawer of his things at her place, too.She hung up the phone and looked across the table to Castle, who did his best to pretend he hadn't been hanging on every word she was saying - not that she had said much, at all."I'll get the bill." He offered after a few moments of silence."Sorry." She offered, genuinely."Don't be. It's getting late and I have to leave pretty early tomorrow morning.""Right." She nodded. She pulled her purse out."You got the movie. Dinner was on me, remember."Digging around, she found a twenty and pulled it out, passing it across the table to him. "I was joking, Castle.""I insist." He raised his hands, making it clear he wasn't going to accept the money. She rolled her eyes and tucked it back into her purse. "Now... go home."She smiles at him. "I can still give you a lift.""Not necessary. Tell Josh I say hi." He teased. He didn't dislike the doctor... but he definitely didn't
like
him. For obvious reasons. And judging from the look on her face, the feeling was mutual on her boyfriends end."Goodnight, Castle." She tapped his hand twice before sliding out of the booth and leaving."Night." He smiled as she looked back over her shoulder as she walked out the door.
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
March 28, 2011
He had finished his shift earlier than expected and had hoped to spent an hour or two with Kate before they would both, eventually, succumb to their need for sleep. Using the key she had gifted him, he let himself into her apartment.He was hoping to surprise her - to see that smile he loved light up her face when she saw him - but he was left disappointed when he realised she wasn't home. She had mentioned a movie that was playing at the Angelika, but it would have ended hours ago. He pulled his phone out of his pocket, dialling her number."Hey, Josh," She answered. He tried not to read into the lack of enthusiasm in her voice, or the hushed tone."Hey babe. I'm finishing work early and just thought I'd see if you were still up. Can I drop by?" He wasn't sure why he baited her like that, but the pause on the other end only fed into his current mistrust."Um, sure," She paused for another moment. "I'm not home yet, but I'm not far.""It's okay," He smiled. "I can let myself in with my key.""Of course. Make yourself at home. I'll see you soon."She composed herself at the door, taking a few deep breaths before opening it. She had felt the energy draining from her as she drove home and, right now, all she wanted was to go to bed. When she entered her apartment, she sought out Josh, finding him standing in the kitchen drinking a beer."Hey, babe," He greeted with a smile."Hey." She tossed her keys onto the accent table by the door and shrugged her jacket off."Wine?" He asked, starting to pour her a glass before she even answered.She stopped just short of the bench. "I guess so."He stopped pouring, looking at her, a wave of frustration rushing through him. "You don't want it?""No, that's fine. Just half a glass." She smiled, trying to change to trajectory of this conversation, to no avail.He placed the wine bottle back in the fridge. "Don't drink it if you don't want it.""It's just... it's kind of late." She stepped toward him. "I thought maybe we could just go to bed." The suggestive raise of her brow, another attempt to save themselves from this nosedive. But he wasn't looking, he didn't pick up on the cues."Too late to have a drink with your boyfriend but not too late to be roaming the city."She sighed, realising this had already gone too far to avoid. "I wasn't
roaming the city, I was on my way home. And the plan was to come home and go to bed...
because
it's getting
late." She hoped the repetition of her words would help them sink in a little easier.He picked up the glass, tipping the wine down the sink."What is your problem?" She snapped.He avoided her question with one of his own. "Where were you?""Seriously? Are you my keeper, now?" She tried to swallow her frustration. She knew how he could be after working the late shift, especially with his current workload, but this had escalated so quickly. "This isn't like you.""I've had a shitty day and all I wanted was to relax with you, but you're acting like you don't even want to see me right now.""What happened at work?" Her voice was low, concerned."Stop trying to change the subject." His voice was almost pleading.She took a breath. "I do want to see you," She reassured. "I'm glad you're here... I'm just tired."She crept closer to him, arms reaching out to find his. She could see him relax, taking her hands in his and pressing a kiss to her forehead. She rested her head against his chest."Where were you?" He asked one last time, voice hushed.She pulled back, looking up at him. "I told you. I wanted to watch a movie that was playing at the Angelika."But he knew the movie would have finished almost two hours ago. He just didn't understand why she wasn't telling him the full truth. "And then?"She shrugged. "And then we went to Remy's for a burger.""We." He pulled his hands from hers, scrubbing them over his face. "You were with Castle."She swallowed hard, knowing exactly where this was leading. "Yes, I was with Castle.""So... you were on a date." His smile wasn't humorous. It triggered something,
fight or flight
she supposed."No. I went to a movie... with a
friend." She bit her tongue and tried to hide the frustration in her voice. If he knew what happened, if he knew the story, surely he would understand it was innocent. "He said he hadn't seen Forbidden Planet before... turns out he was just messing with me but when he saw how excited I was he just kinda went along with it.""How sweet." His voice was thick with sarcasm."You're actually upset about this?" She didn't know why she asked, it's not as if he was being subtle about it. He never was subtle... not when it came to his true feelings about Castle. He had made it clear, very early on, that he wasn't comfortable with their friendship.She wondered how many times they could have the same argument. The same, pointless argument."He's my partner..." she started with the usual line of defence, knowing that it didn't matter how many times she assured Josh that there was nothing going on between her and Castle... her words of reassurance fell on deaf ears."No, Ryan and Esposito are your partners." And he wasn't insecure about the time she spent with
them... "He's just some rich guy who bought his way onto the team, to try and sleep with you."It hurt to admit that she once thought that, too. But not anymore. He had proven to her that it was more than that. "If that's his only reason then he is
really
committing to it. So far it's been years of
nothing.""Nothing." He scoffed, as if he knew something.She froze as the memory of their shared kiss just weeks ago flashed to the forefront of her mind. She hadn't told Josh about that. It meant nothing, simply a cover... a diversion. But he wouldn't understand."I know guys like him, Katie. It's all just a game to him. He'll make you feel special... like you actually
mean
something to him. But it's all just the thrill of the chase.""He's not trying to sleep with me," She reassured him again. "We're just friends."He shook his head, growing tired of her denial. It was blatantly obvious to everyone else. "You're not that naïve, Katie."No, she wasn't. She knew that wasn't the full truth...
just friends. Because they had almost been more than that just last summer. But their moment had passed. He had dated Gina and, even thought they were over now, she still had Josh. She cared for Josh... she wouldn't hurt him. Not like that."Are you jealous of him?" She regretted the words as soon as they fell from her mouth. They were unnecessarily provoking. She wanted this fight to be over... so why had she just spurred it on?Anger flashed in his eyes. "No.""Then why won't you just trust me?" Her voice was pleading, at this point. She was so tired, she just wanted this to be over already."Everyone knows you've fucked him." He spat out the thought, as if he had been holding onto it for too long. The venom in his voice hurt her more than any words could. It was as if he was disgusted by the thought. That what she had or hadn't done - and she had spent
too much
time trying to convince him this was something she
hadn't
done - before she met him was any of his damn business, anyway.She had accepted, long ago, that rumours circulated around her relationship with Castle. She had heard the talk in the precinct, read the tabloids that speculated. But she never thought that anyone - especially
Josh
- would actually believe the talk."I thought you said he'd move on once he got what he wanted? It's all about the chase, right?" She threw his misguided logic back in his face. "If I
had
slept with him, we wouldn't be having this argument...
again.""Do you know how hard it is to be okay with you seeing him every day, going to dinner and movies with him, when I
know
what's running through his mind the whole time?""You don't
know...""Yes I do." He cut her off before she could even finish voicing her defence. "The whole world does because he writes it in his books and puts it out there for the whole world to read. It's sick."Those damn books, once again proving to be nothing more than an inconvenience for her. "It's not like that.""It is. It's sick. It's like he can't have you in real life so he's created this imaginary world where he can live out his fantasies."Can't have you...
this was maddening."You need to make up your mind, am I fucking him or not?" She laughed humourlessly.He knew she wasn't taking him seriously and he was growing more and more infuriated by the second. "You think this is funny?""I don't know, Josh," She shrugged. "Maybe all the whiplash has shaken my brain. I don't know what to think right now."He took the final swig of his beer, tossing the bottle into the trash. "I'm going home."She sighed. "Josh, wait." She tried to grab his hand as he made his way past her, but he pulled free from her fingertips."No. I'm sick of this. You need to decide what you want."Her brain finally caught up, he was
leaving. Actually leaving. This fight wasn't the same as it had been. "What?""I'm not okay with sharing you like this. I tried, but look at us."
Sharing her?
"So you're making me choose? You or him?" She put the pieces together, heartbroken by the idea of what
had
to come next. She had refused to budge for too long. She knew he wasn't comfortable with how close she and Castle were... and yet she had refused to make any sort of compromise. She had already, inadvertently, chosen Castle."I guess I am. But I can tell by the look on your face... you've already made the decision."She wanted to disagree with that statement. To tell him the choice wasn't that easy... but it was. She didn't know where exactly she stood with Castle... but she knew that their friendship, that their partnership, it wasn't something she was ready to throw away. That's how they had ended up here. "I'm sorry," She said after a short silence."No you're not." He pulled the key from his pocket and placed it on the table by the door before leaving.She stood in silence, staring at the door, waiting for him to come back in. To tell her he was sorry, that he didn't mean it. She waited, like she did every other time, but he didn't come back. The door stayed shut, the apartment stayed silent.She was left alone to face the silence, to face the maelstrom of emotions that rushed over her. Violent, tumultuous, chaotic.
March 29, 2011
He wasn't expecting her - that was evident when he opened the door looking puzzled. It was almost 3am and he hadn't received as much as a phone call or text message to warn him of her impending arrival."Beckett? Is everything okay?" His concern only grew as he became more aware of his surroundings. It was obvious she had woken him - his eyes sleepy, his hair a tussled mess - she forced a smile. She shouldn't be here. He was leaving for his book tour in less than five hours - flying across the country and heading straight into meetings - he needed his rest.She considered walking away, leaving him alone and addressing this error in judgement once the sun was up. But she was here now. She had talked herself into this... convinced herself it was a good idea.Don't overthink it...
the mantra she had been revising since Josh had stormed out of her apartment.
Don't overthink it.She stepped across the threshold, her heart racing as she invaded his space. If she was unwelcome, he didn't say it. If he was uncomfortable, he didn't show it. He held her gaze as the sleepiness drained from him, his eyes so alert, piercing into her. The words remained unspoken, but the message was loud and clear, as if they had done this dance a million times before. Neither one of them would fight this... not now.She held his face, bringing herself to him. Their lips connected - gentle, at first - and the warmth that radiated from him melted away any lingering reservations she had. His lips moved with hers, eager for more. Years of tension uncoiled as he gripped her hips, pulling her as close to him as physically possible.One hand left her body and the door slammed shut behind her. His hand found her again, this time slipping it's way under her shirt. His touch was hot against her bare skin and his palm roamed her torso. She brought her hands to his hair, combing her fingers through the thick locks. He moaned as her nails massaged his scalp, gripping at his hair and sending a pleasantly painful jolt through him.His hands slid down her back, over her curves and gripped at the back of her thighs. He hoisted her up and she wrapped her legs around him, her pelvis resting against his. She thrusted toward him, bringing a guttural growl from him. Effortlessly, he carried her to his bedroom.They had barely made it through his bedroom door when she dropped her legs from his waist, creating just enough space between them for her to begin removing his boxer shorts. He brought his hands under her shirt and up her abdomen, cupping her breasts and swiping his thumb across the thin, lacy material that covered them. The vibrations she moaned against his lips fuelled his passion as he tore away the layers of clothing that clung to her body.He broke away from her, stepping back and allowing himself to take in her beauty as she stood in front of him baring it all. Just a few seconds to admire, to convince himself he wasn't dreaming this. He expected her to shy away, to try and cover her body from his studying eyes, but she didn't. Her tongue darted along her bottom lip, before taking it between her teeth. He could see her eyes darken, lusty and needing, as she watched him admire her.She placed one foot in front of the other, stepping toward him. Her hand, trembling with anticipation, traced the line of his forearm, up to his shoulder. His hands fell instinctively to her hips, holding her close."Is everything okay?" He repeated his question from before. This was so... unexpected. When she left the diner, everything seemed...
normal. She was headed home... to her
boyfriend. And now... now they were standing together... in his room...
naked
and touching. How, in just a matter of hours, have they ended up here? "Kate..." he urged after several moments of silence."Tell me you want me." The words coming from her mouth nauseated her. She wasn't this person. She didn't need reassurance. Not from him, not from anyone. But Josh's words echoed through her mind, taunting her.
It's just a game to him."I want you. You
know
that, Kate. It's not like I've ever been subtle about it.""And after you've had me?" The near-break in her voice could have -
would
have - been missed by anyone else... but not him. And it broke his heart to hear the usual confidence in her voice wavering before him.
What the hell had happened to her tonight?"I'll want you again..." he placed a kiss to the corner of her mouth. "And again..." another kiss to her jawline, below her ear. He brushed his lips along her skin until he could feel her earlobe. Lowering his voice, he whispered "and again..." before nibbling on her lobe.His breath against her sent a wave of desire through her, goosebumps peppering her skin. He followed their path - kissing down her neck, her shoulder, her chest - the warmth of his mouth easing their intense prickling of her skin.She placed her hand against his cheek, guiding him back to her lips. He pressed against her, stepping forward. Taking her cue, she took a few clumsy steps back toward the bed, the heels of her feet hitting the wooden base.He gave her a gentle nudge and she dropped onto the bed, shuffling back up toward the pillows. He followed her movements until she stopped and he was hovering over her. He captured her lips again, lowering himself onto her, the pressure on her pelvis sending a flutter through her.He took his time, kissing her deeply while his hands roamed her body, savouring the feel of skin against skin until he could barely stand it any longer.The feel of her body against his - her hands in his hair and her lips on his - was something he could only hope he would be able to experience again... and again... and again...Both spent, sated and entirely out of breath, they remained exactly how they were for several minutes just trying to process and recover. But the processing, for Kate, wasn't going too well.
What... the fuck... just happened?Castle rolled off of her, his warmth instantly missed as the cool air swirled over her
too hot
body. She felt too exposed. She reached for the covers, pulling them over her."Remind me again, why did we wait so long to do that?" He laughed. She let out a soft, half-hearted chuckle, allowing that to be her answer, and rolled away from him.Curling up into a ball, her stomach began to churn. Josh had been in her apartment no more than six hours ago... and here she was, already in bed with Castle. After so many times reassuring her boyfriend that there was nothing for him worry about. That there never was and never would be anything between them. This wasn't right. She shouldn't be here. She shouldn't have dragged Castle into this mess."Kate?" His voice pulled her from her spiralling thoughts. She realised the conflict of her mind had spilled from her eyes and silently wiped the stray tear from her cheek. "Kate, are you okay? Talk to me..."The words triggered the release, a sob ripped through her chest and tears began to stream freely down her face, soaking his pillow. She pressed her hand to her mouth, hoping to muffle the quiet cries she couldn't hold back. Her mind was screaming, pleading for her to just
leave. To get up, gather her clothes and her last scrap of dignity and get out of there as fast as she could, but his arm snaking around her waist and holding her close evaporated that idea. She couldn't ignore the guilty feeling that settled deep within her as he nuzzled into her, placing kisses on the back of her neck as he held her, whispered to her that it would all be okay.He resigned to the fact that, if she didn't want to talk about whatever the hell was going on with her, there was nothing he could do to make her. Instead, he would simply show her that he was here for her. That he would be... again, and again, and again.
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
March 29, 2011
Her mind drifted into consciousness, slowly. The muffled sounds of the city traffic drifted through the open window, stirring her from her dreams. She pleaded with her eyes.
Open... please. But they were too heavy with fatigue to obey. And then suddenly, as if jolted to life by a surge of electricity, her mind began to whirl with the memories of last night. She knew where she was. She knew exactly who's whose bed she was in... because it sure as hell wasn't hers. But the reality of this situation hadn't set in fully. Not yet. With her eyes still fused shut, she could pretend for just a little longer... ignore the mess that she had made.Eventually she managed to pull her eyelids open - just long enough to see that she was alone - blinking rapidly as the light burned her irises. She looked at the digital clock on his bedside table... 07:00. She must have just missed him. She shut her eyes, taking a moment to count her blessings. The last thing she needed right now was an awkward morning after experience.She rubbed her fingertips across her shut eyes, groaning internally as she forced her muscles into action, pulling herself from the comfort of the bed.She grabbed her clothes from last night - hastily discarded and left on the bedroom floor - tossing them on the bed for ease of access. Her entire body ached, her muscles tense from the stress she had brought upon herself. She began to dress, allowing her mind to wander as she pulled her shirt over her head.
I want you.
She lazily glided her hand along her stomach, tracing the path his touch had burned into her memory, setting the butterflies in her stomach a-flight.It was
good. Not that she would expect anything less from a man who prided himself on his giving nature... but even in her wildest dreams, she couldn't have prepared herself for what it would be like to have him in real life. To hold him... to feel his lips against her as he spoke her name so breathlessly...She picked up her jeans, stepping into them and pulling them up with ease. As she did, her thumbs grazed her thighs.
I'll want you again... and again... and again.
She could still feel his breath on her neck, the spark of electricity that his baritone moans incited.Shake it off. She zipped her jeans, turning back to grab her jacket from the bed. That was when she saw it - a handwritten note on the bedside table. She draped the jacket over her arm, hugging it tight to her body. She picked up the note, to read it.Call me, please.- Castle.She could sense the anxiety through these few words. Short and sweet - not at all like a morning after note one would expect from a best-selling author. A man of many words, with nothing more to say than 'call me'. But of course, he wanted to get straight to the point. Of course, he would be concerned. After years of back and forth, of "will they or won't they", they finally crossed that line. And what did she do? She cried. Turned her back on him and cried herself to sleep.It wasn't his fault. It was her. All her. Her and her stupid decisions. Her and her need to get back at Josh. To hurt Josh. Her and her internal freak out. And poor Castle was just a casualty of her anger. She had never wanted this to happen... not like this, anyway. Not out of anger and spite. He didn't deserve that.She scrunched the note up into a ball in her hand. She couldn't call him, could she? No way. Not yet. She was far too embarrassed. Crying over one man while in the arms of another. She didn't know when she had become this person - this person that seemed so intent on self-destruction - but today was not the day she was going to embrace it. Right now, all she wanted to do was get as far away from this place as she could.She stuffed the scrunched up note into the pocket of her jeans, grabbed her phone off of the floor and started on her escape. She reached for the door handle but froze before she opened it.Was she alone in the loft?Panic filled her entire body, her muscles tensing more than she thought possible. What if Alexis and Martha were home? Sitting in the kitchen, having breakfast? Or in the lounge watching morning talk shows? There was no way she could make it past them unseen.She tried to think back to last night. Had he mentioned his family's plans for the night? Plans that would possibly extend well into the morning. Nothing came to mind.She leaned closer to the door, listening carefully for any signs of life on the other side. Once satisfied with the silence, she slowly turned the knob and opened the door, peaking her head out to scope the surroundings. Shoes in her hand, she tiptoed quickly across the loft toward the exit. She let out a breath of relief as she flicked the lock and shut the door behind her.She scrolled through her phone on the way up to her apartment. Castle had already tried to call, but she had let it ring out. Maybe after a shower she would feel up to talking. She considered sending a text, saying exactly that. But that sounded too much like a promise she couldn't keep. Because in reality, she knew it would take more than a shower to scrub away the shame she was feeling.The elevator stopped on her floor. She pulled her keys from her pocket, still staring at her phone as she walked toward her apartment. As she rounded the corner, finally looking up, she was surprised to see Josh standing at her door. She stopped, frozen, her stomach churning as he turned to face her.He came back. But it was too late...
wasn't it?He looked her up and down and she knew exactly what had drawn his attention. Her outfit - the same clothes she was wearing last night - a tell-tale sign that she's been out all night.
Roaming the city, as he would put it. But, to her surprise, he didn't say anything."What are you doing here?" she asked once his eyes had stopped drifting up and down her body. She tried to keep her voice void of emotion. Don't give anything away."I wanted to apologise." His voice lacked the anger it held last night. Her heart skipped a beat. She wasn't sure if it was due to relief, fear, or anger. "I don't like being insecure. I'm usually not. I guess... I just don't want to lose you," he continued.And, yes, it had been fear. Fear of him saying those exact words.
I don't want to lose you. As if she wasn't already gone.She felt nauseous. Last night, in the thick of it all, she had convinced herself that they were done... that the fight was the end of them. And that, while neither one of them had said it, they both understood.She moved closer, unlocking her door and entering her apartment. She didn't invite him in, but she left the door open behind her, giving him the option to enter if he wanted. Once she heard the door shut, she turned around to face it... to face him. He just looked at her, not saying anything.She swallowed the nausea that had kept her silent until now. "I haven't changed my mind."
I'm not going to choose.He sighed. "I figured."He waited for her response, but she had nothing to say. They were at a stalemate, each of them as stubborn as the other. But one of them had to fold."I won't
make
you choose," he offered. Some sort of compromise. A compromise she knew would never be good enough, though. Because he had come to that conclusion every time they had this argument. And every time, it wasn't enough."But you
want
me to.""Of course, I want you to." The emotion was back in his voice, as raw as it had been last night, but he tried to hide it. "I want you to choose me. I want you to think that what we have is worth saving.""It's not that easy.""Why not?" he demanded.She hesitated for a long while before answering, a tear rolling down her cheek. "Because... I don't think it
is
worth saving." Her voice was barely a whisper. A painful, broken whisper.And with that confession, the mask dropped. A flicker of hurt crossed his face, but was quickly replaced with the same angry eyes from last night. "Do I even want to know where you've been all night?""You left. Very ceremoniously, leaving your key behind. From where I'm standing... I don't think what I did after that is any of your business."He laughed, nodding, his anger building. "Can you still look me in the eye and tell me you're not fucking him?"Guilt washed over her, but she fought it off. "What's the point? You never believed me anyway." Deflection. Obvious, unmasked deflection. She could see it on his face, the way his lips twitched and curled into a sad smile, he
knew."You know what? You're right. This
isn't
worth trying to save."She watched as he walked out of her apartment. She paced toward the door, locking it angrily. As if he were going to try and get back in. As if it were some final jab at him. But she knew, this time he wouldn't be back. This time it was final.And when she was faced with nothing but a silent apartment, the anger within her subsided just enough to let the hurt in. She stormed into the bathroom, turning on the shower to begin getting ready for work. She grabbed the men's body wash from the shower shelf and tossed it into the trash can under the vanity. The
thud
of the half-full bottle hitting the plastic tub gave her a sense of catharsis. She pulled his toothbrush from the cup next to the sink, tossing it in the trash too, smiling at the odd sense of relief she was feeling.But the feeling didn't last. She looked at the lonely toothbrush that remained - a reminder that, once again, she was alone - and a wave of sadness washed over her.From her pocket, she felt a vibration ripple into her, followed by the ring of her phone. She pulled it out to see Castle's face lighting up her screen. She stared until it stopped. Once his smiling face disappeared from her screen, she couldn't hold back any longer. She was too tired. Too overwhelmed. Crying, she stripped down and stepped into the shower, letting the water wash away her confusion.It was almost 09:45. She had never been this late, not without calling it in. A message to Ryan or Espo. A call to the Captain, if necessary. But this morning she hadn't done either. So, she wasn't surprised when her partners rushed over to her as she entered the bullpen."Beckett, you okay?" Ryan asked as they approached."I'm fine." She sat at her desk, pulling the files she had to finish from her desk drawer. An act done purposefully to avoid looking at them. She pulled her phone from her pocket, placing it on the desk, willing it to ring with news of a new case."You look like hell," Esposito commented. From the corner of her eye, she saw Ryan jab him in the ribs with his elbow. "What? She does," Espo whispered as if she wasn't right there."I just didn't get much sleep last night, that's all."Her phone began to chime, and she couldn't believe her luck. Usually, she would appreciate a small break in between cases to stay on top of all her paperwork, but right now she'd happily welcome the distraction.She reached to grab it but halted when she saw the familiar smile lighting up the screen.
Of course, she thought to herself. She obviously wasn't getting the distraction she had desperately hoped for. She's had to give Castle credit... he was relentless.She looked up at her partners, still standing in front of her and staring at her phone curiously."Don't you two have something more important to do than hover?""Right.""Of course," the boys said in unison, springing into action and moving back to their desks.She rolled her eyes, pulled herself from her chair and strode into the break room to make herself a coffee, leaving the phone to ring out on her desk. She could justify not answering right now. She was working... this wasn't the time - and definitely not the place - to talk things out."I swear when they left yesterday, everything was fine," Esposito commented under his breath."Yeah," Ryan muttered. "It's going to be a long day."His flight had been delayed, which infuriated him more than usual. He could have stayed in bed, getting another hour or two of sleep. God knew he needed it. But he knew that wouldn't have happened, anyway. Not after...
her.He had held her close, tried his best to soothe her, as she cried herself to sleep. She wasn't
Kate... she wasn't
Beckett. She was something else entirely... a broken shell of the woman he knew, so confused and lost. He wished so many things, right now.He wished he knew what had happened between leaving Remy's and arriving at his place. His mind would fixate on that... trying to put together the puzzle pieces. But he had no edges and no reference... no hope.He wished he had more self-control. Beckett clearly wasn't herself... she was looking for an escape. Maybe he shouldn't have so willingly provided her with one. Shouldn't have been so ready to ignore the obvious red flags, blinded by his desires... his naïveté... the
hope
that this was the beginning of something and not just her running. But her return to reality had been heartbreaking to witness. If he had known... maybe he would have done things differently.But more than anything, he just wished that he was still with her, right now. That she wasn't waking up alone and confused. That he could use this time to be with her, to find some solid ground with her instead of sitting in an airport, staring at his phone, waiting for it to ring. Waiting for her to call.He had already called her four times, left her two voicemails. A string of text messages, too. He was no longer toeing the line of desperation; he had stumbled over the side and was plummeting rapidly toward
stalkerish. But he couldn't help it. Because he couldn't tell himself that maybe she was still asleep. Maybe she was getting ready for work. Maybe she was driving and couldn't answer her phone. No, his last call went straight to voicemail. She was ignoring him. And there was nothing he could do about it. He couldn't persist, show up at the precinct every day until she relented. For the next two weeks, he was powerless. All he could do was wait.
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
April 12, 2011
It took two weeks for her to spiral.That's it. Just fourteen days.She sat on her bathroom floor, a sobbing mess. Because of all the horrific scenarios she had imagined... of all the different ways this could have backfired, blown up in her face...
this
was not what she expected.She pulled her phone from her pocket, swiping through her contacts until she found the name she was looking for. She pressed the phone to her ear and tried desperately to control the tears, to steady her breathing. It almost worked, too. That was, until she heard the voice on the other end of the line.She had been out of sorts all week. Everyone had picked up on it and Lanie had been hounding her for the last two days to stop shutting her out.Her voice was soft, nurturing, as if she had expected this call to come sooner or later. "Hey, girl. You okay?"She let out a soft cry. No, she wasn't okay. "I don't know why I'm like this, Lanie." She rested her head in her hands as the tears began to stream again. "I ruin everything good."But she did know... or, at least, she had a pretty good theory as to why she was like this. A Castle-esque theory, too. She was cursed. The horrid Kate Beckett curse. The reflex self-sabotaging tendencies that she swears she was born with. The inability to trust anything good... anything secure. That voice in her head that whispered relentless negativity, that told her to leave before she got left, to hurt them before they hurt her. She didn't
want
to be like this. The intensity of the emotions she felt, that overwhelmed her to the point of making
stupid
decisions."Hold on, I'm on my way.""You don't have to come over." She started wiping her tears, frantically trying to pull herself together... to convince her friend she would be okay. She internally scolded herself for bothering Lanie... this wasn't her problem. It wasn't her responsibility to pick up the crumbling pieces of a shattered life.Stubborn, as always, Lanie insisted. "I'm already out the door. I'll be there in ten minutes. Fifteen, if you want wine.""No. No wine," she relented."Okay, ten minutes then."She ended the call, placing the phone on the ground beside her. She grabbed the edge of the bathtub, pulling herself to her feet. She turned to face the mirror, staring in disdain at the almost unrecognisable person staring back at her.Lanie arrived right on time, knocking lightly at the door.Beckett gave herself one final look over in the mirror. Her eyes were bloodshot and puffy from crying. Tears stained her cheeks, and her bottom lip was starting to bruise from being gnawed on anxiously. She looked a mess... but this was as good as it was going to get.She walked toward the door, opening it and greeting her friend with a weary smile. Silently, Lanie entered the apartment and wrapped her arms around Beckett, allowing her a moment to melt into the embrace. Eventually - and reluctantly - she pulled away."You gonna tell me what the hell is going on?" She tried to be calming, yet firm. Like an overwhelmed mother trying to reassure a frantic toddler that they were still loved, despite the chaotic mess they had just created."I messed up. I really messed up."Lanie waited silently for an explanation, knowing her friend just needed a little time to gather her thoughts. They walked towards the couch to sit together."I was with Josh for seven months. And I... I don't know if I
ever
actually loved him," she eventually spilled the confession."You guys broke up?"Beckett nodded, focussing her energy on stopping the tears rather than talking."If you're this upset, I think it's safe to say you loved him."Beckett shook her head. She couldn't fault Lanie's logic, but there was one
major
flaw. "I'm upset because I..." She stopped. She could barely admit to herself, let alone anyone else, what thoughts had been plaguing her consciousness: was she
in love
with Castle? "What if I was only with him because-"
because I couldn't have Castle. Nope, can't even voice that thought.Lanie's voice pulled her from panic. "Kate?"She had to start from the beginning. Go back to when she
first
felt... whatever this was. "I broke up with Demming, for Castle."Lanie inhaled sharply, not at all disguising her surprise. She had always suspected, but Beckett had always played her relationship with Castle close to the vest. She remembered watching, that night, as Castle left the precinct with his second ex-wife. The whole team had to watch on as Kate tried to mask the pain."I didn't
think
I was using Josh, but what if I was?" Beckett continued. "I'm a horrible person.""You're not a horrible person, Kate. You
obviously
care about him. Did you break up with him..." She hesitated, not sure exactly how to word her question. "Did you break up with him to be with Castle?""No." She shook her head. "We fought. All the time.
He
worked too much,
I
worked too much. I was always one foot out the door and he just couldn't trust me.""Trust you?" That concept boggled her mind. She thought Kate was one of the most trustworthy people, the idea of others disagreeing just didn't seem comprehensible."Castle." She didn't need to explain any further, Lanie's slow nod showed that she understood."He was insecure...""He had every reason to be insecure, but I made him feel like he was imagining it. I mean, our relationship only started because Castle was with Gina. We weren't built to last." She sat quiet for a few seconds. "I think I always knew that," she finished.Lanie watched as her friend nervously picked at her nail beds, avoiding eye contact. Her demeanour just didn't match up with her words."This seems like acceptance. Don't get me wrong, I'm relieved, but what happened to the sobbing girl on the other end of the line earlier?""Oh, don't worry. She'll be back." Beckett rose from the couch and walked across to the bathroom, nudging open the door and flicking on the light. As Lanie approached, she saw the box on the vanity.Her eyes widened as she looked back to Beckett. "No wine." She understood now."I haven't taken it yet," she mumbled, a little ashamed of how fearful she was."But you suspect."Beckett simply nodded."Late?" Lanie's inner doctor kicked in, starting an examination of sorts on her friend."Eight days."Her eyes widened, but she schooled her features before her friend finally looked up at her. She
wanted
to be reassuring. "That doesn't necessarily mean-""I feel different, Lanie." She wouldn't usually put much stock into
feeling
different. But this was something she couldn't explain. She just...
knew."Tell me everything that's made you think,
maybe I'm pregnant.""About ten days ago I had some cramping. I didn't think anything of it, it seemed about right timing. I've been tender. Again, I didn't think much of it. But then my period didn't come. I've been
so tired. Coffee smells weird, tastes even weirder. The last few days I've been getting dizzy during my morning runs..." she was getting worked up. Describing each potential symptom just seemed to cement this for her. This was happening, and she hadn't even gotten to the
messy
part yet. Her chest tightened and each breath felt less and less effective."Okay, you need to breathe. You're not going to know until you take the test so let's just get that done, okay? That way you'll know."Tears began to spill from her eyes.
Again. These stupid tears, she wished they would just stop. "I can't. I don't think I want to know." Ignorance is bliss, right?Lanie took a deep breath. "Kate, if you want options you need to find out sooner rather than later.""Options?" Right...
options.
She hadn't even thought that far ahead, yet. She couldn't. She couldn't work up the courage to take the test, let alone what she was going to do once she knew for sure."Do you know where Josh would stand on this?"She did. They had discussed this after watching a news report about protesting in the area. On that day, they had been on the same page. She wondered if they would still share the same opinion... now that it was
them
and not strangers in this situation. Well...
her. Because there was a good chance it wasn't
them
at all, but rather her and Castle.The guilt that had been fluctuating, causing her such nausea all day, was back with a vengeance. She took a deep, unsteady breath and clutched at her abdomen, silently pleading with her insides to stop
churning."What's wrong?""I'm not sure if it's Josh's." The words tumbled from her mouth, and she'd be lying if she said she didn't feel some sort of relief by getting it off her chest.Lanie frowned. "When
exactly
did you break up?" And why
exactly
was she only just hearing about it?"March... 28th."Lanie's eyes widened - the truth kept dropping like bombs tonight. She took another deep breath. "We can try to figure this out. Do you remember dates? If you know your last period and what days you had sex...""No, that won't work." Kate shook her head."Girl, I'm sorry but you're starting to get on my nerves. What the hell do you mean
that won't work? I know it's not super accurate, but it will
at least
give you an idea.""Josh and I..." she felt like a schoolgirl, scared to say the words.
Sex. It's just sex. "... before work. And then we broke up that night."Lanie's eyes narrowed. "And then...?""And then... I was angry. And I made some choices...""You hooked up with someone?""I slept with Castle." Lanie was speechless. "That same night..." she added, just to be sure her friend was completely understanding the predicament."Shit," she eventually said."Yeah." She let the news sink in before revealing the next factor. "I don't remember if he used a condom.""What do you mean
I don't remember? Safety first, girl. You're better than that.""Obviously not," she sighed. "I told you, I messed up."Lanie shifted her tone, her expressions. She could see Kate was struggling... regretful. "Well, can you... ask him?""I
could. But I haven't spoken to him since and I think alarm bells will start ringing if I just call him out of the blue and start asking about protection.""You need to talk to Castle. But first," she reached across and grabbed the box, handing it to Kate. "Take the damn test."Lanie stepped outside, giving her the privacy she needed to get through this. Kate picked up the box, hands shaking as she read the instructions. She had only done this once before, and that was
years
ago.She stuck her nail under the top flap of the box, lifting it and breaking the seal. Pulling the test from its packaging, she took a deep breath and turned toward the toilet.It took a few minutes, too nervous to allow herself to relax, but eventually it was done. She placed the cap back on the test, and sat it on a wash cloth on the vanity countertop. She stared, watching the results window saturate before her eyes.She opened the bathroom door, inviting her friend back in. Together, they sat on the floor, backs pushed against the tub, and waited."You'll figure this out," Lanie said after a minute of silence. "You know you're not alone in this. No matter what the result is, no matter what you decide to do." She reached out, taking Kate's hand and giving it a gentle squeeze.They sat in silence until the timer on Kate's phone went off, letting them know that the results would be ready to read."Do you need a minute?" Lanie asked."Please don't leave," she muttered, staring up at the countertop. She could see the test, but the results weren't visible. Somehow, she would have to find the strength to pull herself up. She silenced the alarm on her phone."I'm right here." Lanie nudged her shoulder against Kate's, gaining her attention. She smiled, warmly. "Come on."She rose from her position on the floor, holding out her hands to help Kate up too. Kate grabbed her hands, pulling herself up and metaphorically dusting herself off. She could do this.She reached out, picking up the test and looking down at the little window. The two lines were unmistakable. The beating of her heart in her chest quickened, strengthened. She nodded slowly, processing the news."How can I fix things with Castle, but not have to tell him this?""You need to tell him..." Lanie warned, firmly. No good could come from
not
telling him.She stared at the stick in her hands, begging for the line in that little window to magically disappear. As if staring at it, willing it to go away, was enough to undo this mess she had made."But, what if it's not his?"The words established reality and she couldn't hold herself together anymore. Her shoulders dropped, head hanging low as she began to cry.She was pregnant. She was alone. She had no idea who to turn to right now, and it was all her fault.She appreciated that Lanie had offered to stay the night. Tucked up in bed, they had been watching bad reality TV for almost two hours now. Lanie simply held her hand, comforting her through the waves of grief as they came and went. But now, the tears had dried.Lanie turned to Kate, watching her as she watched the drama unfolding on the television. Her eyes were still puffy, cheeks glistening lightly from unwiped tears, but the mood had lifted significantly."I know you're in this deep state of turmoil right now," she started, "but when you're not regretting your life choices, you
have
to dish."Kate let out a slight laugh. "Seriously?""Whenever you're ready." She had waited years for the two to give into their chemistry, she wasn't about to glaze right over it just because of a little...
complication.Kate rolled her eyes, trying to ignore her friend's prying. But she couldn't help but think back to her night with Castle. Goosebumps began to prickle under her skin. She smirked, holding up her arm up to show Lanie."That good, huh?"This conversation was going to happen eventually, she may as well get it out of the way now."It was... not what I had imagined," she gave, hesitantly."Imagine it often?" Lanie teased the accidental confession, ignoring the glare Kate was giving her.She took a breath, starting to get emotional again. Sniffling, she rubbed her fingertips under her eyes to clean up any leftover tears. She really
had
to pull herself together before she talked to Castle."He was sweet. I-" she took a breath to steady her emotions. "I was conflicted,
upset. And he just held me."Lanie reached across and held her hand, trying her best to comfort her."It felt...
safe. I- I don't know. I've just, I've never felt like that before. That connection just hasn't been there with anyone else. It felt so
right.""You really like him, don't you?"She nodded, "I do. And I miss him,
so much." She wiped fresh tears away, laughing frustratedly. "Oh god. This is hormones, right?"Lanie chuckled a little, wrapping her arms around Kate. "Sure is. Get used to it."
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
April 17, 2011
He had been back from the first leg of his book tour for almost a week now. He hadn't called. He didn't text. He wasn't back in the precinct. But obviously she hadn't expected any of that. No, she knew that she had messed up and that this would take a lot of work on her part to fix.She had knocked too soon. She hadn't thought out exactly what she was going to say to him, she just didn't want to give herself a chance to talk herself out of it. Because she had talked herself out of this... twice already. But now that she could hear someone on the other side, her heart felt like it was trying to jump out of her throat.When the door swung open, she wasn't sure if she was relieved to be met by Alexis, or not. The redhead looked her up and down, her usual sweet smile nowhere to be seen. In this moment, Kate hoped the ground beneath her would just open up and swallow her whole."Dad..." the girl called over her shoulder, holding her gaze. "Detective Beckett is here."She could hear the venom in Alexis's voice as she spoke her name. She wasn't imagining that.
Surely..."Thanks, Pumpkin." He approached from the staircase, stepping in her place as she retreated back to the kitchen. He kept a careful eye on his daughter as she walked away, only speaking once she was out of earshot. "Here to tell me your phone is broken?"She wished that were the case. That was so much better than the reality of her simply being too embarrassed to answer any of his calls or reply to the string of concerned messages he had sent.She peered over his shoulder to Alexis, who was eying them carefully from the kitchen. With a low voice, she asked: "How much does she know?"He had told her in the past that he would rarely disclose information about his relationships with his daughter unless they became serious. But she wasn't a child anymore. And she was smart... intuitive. And she obviously knew something... the icy cold stare hadn't come from nowhere."She knows I haven't rushed back to the precinct since being home," He answered. In other words, she knows enough. Because, short of being kicked out, there's only one reason he wouldn't be rushing back:
her.She swallowed her nerves. "Can we talk?""What's there to talk about?" He shrugged her off."I can explain everything. Just, please, don't be mad.""Why shouldn't I be mad?" His voice was quiet, but filled with anger and hurt. "You've been avoiding talking about this for weeks and, what? Now that you're ready, I just have to be okay with it?"She just wanted to cry. She couldn't help it. She stood, staring into his eyes, for the longest time. He didn't try to hide the hurt. Why should he? He didn't owe her that. He didn't owe her anything."I'm sorry..." That's how she should have started this conversation. But she didn't. Of course, she didn't. She couldn't just admit to her mistakes. "Can I please come in? It's important."He turned and walked away without muttering a single word, but the open door served as an invitation to her. She entered the loft, closing the door behind her before following him into his office. He closed the door behind them, allowing them some privacy.Her eyes drifted around the room, taking in each small detail. She had been in here before, but her mind was urging her to commit every last detail to memory, just in case this would be the last time she was welcomed back into his space."What do you want, Kate?"It was time. Whether she was ready or not, it was time to rip the band-aid. But this wasn't just one band-aid. This was band-aid after band-aid, layered across each other, trying to hide a festering wound."Josh and I are over." The words came fumbling out of her mouth. Band-aid one: ripped.He didn't look surprised, though. Just unamused, as if she were wasting his time. "I figured."He knew her well enough to know she wouldn't knowingly cheat. That was something, she supposed. Her character, in his eyes, wasn't in complete ruins.Band-aid two ripped effortlessly enough. "I needed you, I guess." She wasn't sure when, exactly, she had realised she needed him. Maybe it was when Josh had asked her to choose. But a part of her - a big part of her - thought she had possibly always known. But she wasn't in denial anymore. She needed him more than she had ever needed anyone before.That confession softened him. She could see it in the way he held himself. His shoulders relaxed; his stone-cold face melted into a look with which she was much more comfortable. It pained her to know what was coming next. She considered leaving it at that. She considered walking away, allowing him some time to register her apology first, but she had come this far... she needed to continue."I'm pregnant." Band-aid three, torn away.That one hurt. His face dropped and he shook his head from side to side. It's only been three weeks - nineteen days, to be exact - since their rendezvous, so she understood why denial was his first instinct. And that brought her to the fourth and final band-aid...But this one couldn't be ripped. She had to delicately scratch at the sides, lifting it slowly and carefully. She didn't have the words to delicately break this news... there were no words to delicately break this news. But he couldn't wait. She was taking too long, and the silence was too much."Is it mine?" His words were blunt, emotionless.She should have expected it, but it still felt like a sucker punch. Band-aid ripped, wound exposed."Dating scans are only so accurate..." But the date she was given felt pretty damn spot on. "But the timing fits. For both you
and
Josh."He scrubbed his hand over his face, pressing it across his mouth. She wasn't sure if he was trying to stop himself from speaking, or maybe trying to mask his reactions. But even if she couldn't see the tension on his face, she could feel it in the air."I can get DNA testing done, but not for a couple of months. I wasn't going to say anything until then. But I..." she stepped forward, feeling desperate. Her hand twitched toward him, but she hesitated. She needed to touch him, for him to hold her and tell her everything was okay, but she knew that was asking too much. "I had to fix this... between us and in doing that, I couldn't keep this from you."He paced the room in silence. She watched as he processed, trying her best to ignore the waves of nausea as her stomach churned more with each passing second.Part of her wanted him to get mad... to yell and scream... to tell her she had messed up big time. Because yelling would be better than this. It had to be. Yelling meant he was processing. Right?But the silent pacing, she didn't know what that meant.And that was terrifying.She just knew he was internally debating the situation. Going through the facts, most likely creating some elaborate story in his mind. Possibly going over the pros and cons. She hated that she was on the outside, not privy to his thoughts.Between trying to quiet the raging chaos of thoughts storming through her mind, and trying to calm the rampant turning of her stomach, she could feel her battery draining.The steady beating of her heart was rapidly increasing. She could feel it in her chest, her throat, her ears.Her mind was spinning. Faster, faster...She looked to the ground, eyes searching for something... anything to hold her focus. She found a scratch in the hardwood floor and focused on honing her senses. To slow her heart, steady her breathing, gather her energy.As soon as she could, she moved her attention back to him. She met his eyes, already attentive on her."Did you hear me?" He asked, concern weighing heavy as he noticed her vacant stare."Sorry. What did you say?" She was too focused on not passing out that she hadn't noticed he'd stopped pacing. Hadn't heard him speak."I assume that you're going to
have
the baby?" he repeated, a question she had spent too much time mulling over.She shook her head, then nodded. He looked at her confused. She had to speak, had to find her words, but her mouth wasn't cooperating with her mind.She inhaled deeply, exhaled, swallowed the lump in her throat, anything to make the words come out easier. "I am pretty sure I have decided that I'm going to keep it.""Pretty sure?" His skepticism was warranted... she didn't sound very confident in her decision."I'm scared, Castle," she confessed, in a broken whisper. She was fighting back tears. She felt like that's all she did lately. Fight the tears until she couldn't fight them any longer.She felt around for the chair she knew was there. She was breathless, shaky, nauseous. Not her finest moment. She didn't sit, wouldn't allow herself to give in just yet, but she supported most of her weight on the arm of the chair."What if... I didn't care?"He didn't care? She wasn't sure what she had expected him to say - but that most definitely was not it."You... don't care?" She repeated his words, hoping that would bring forth some understanding. She needed clarification. Didn't care about what exactly? Didn't care about
her? Didn't care about
the baby?"I don't care if it's not my baby."Her stomach flipped. She felt lightness, a weight lifted. But the sudden heaviness that came crashing back was almost unbearable. "I don't believe that." She wanted to, but she couldn't. How could he
not
care?"You and Josh... you're over, right?"Of course, they were over. There was nothing wrong with Josh. Simply that he wasn't Castle. Their relationship was doomed from the very beginning and deep down they both knew that. But right now, one of her biggest fears was that this baby was Josh's... and she would be forced to have him a part of her life forever."You came to me that night for a reason. There's something here, Kate. Something worthwhile. Obviously you can see it too." She could hear the conviction in his voice, the unwavering belief in what he was saying. "We can't go back. Not now. Not after... all of this. We either give this... give us an
actual
chance, or we go our separate ways."He studied her face as she processed his words. She agreed with him. They had crossed a line, opened a door that can't just be closed again. Even without the added complication of a baby, that night was a turning point for them. It was make or break. Either the beginning of something new, or the end of everything."I'm not ready to go my separate way." He stepped forward, cupping her face in his hands and pressing his lips to hers. It was desperate... pleading...She gave in, just for a moment, savouring the way his lips molded to hers. She could very easily get used to this, allow herself to believe this could work, but she knew better. She summoned the willpower to gently push him away. A hand to his chest, the other on his cheek, thumb brushing along his lips as if to soothe him. Silently telling him she didn't
not
want this. But there was one lingering doubt that she just couldn't ignore."You won't feel the same way if we find out the baby isn't yours..." She was waiting for him to disagree, but he didn't. The slight nod of his head, the subtle confirmation that he too had considered that, was somehow reassuring. It made it easier to believe everything else he had said."Okay. Then we will wait. We will get the test results before we make any decisions. No rushing into things."She nodded. Waiting... she could do that."But, just to make it clear - because I can see that mind of yours working overtime right now - I am... okay with this... the idea of us being a family."And just like that, that weight was lifted again. There was hope.A family..."I know that this is far from perfect, Kate. I'm not saying that this isn't going to be difficult, because it is. It's going to feel impossible at times. But I'd rather fight for this, say we will actually gave this a chance rather than just give up. I want you, Kate. And if being with you means accepting a child, too... regardless of whose baby it is... I can do that."The floodgates opened and tears began streaming down her face. She wiped them away with the heel of her palms. "I don't understand. Why? Why would you do that? Why don't you hate me?"The world seemed to slow as he looked her in the eye. She could see the flurry of emotion behind his eyes. The hurt and the pain. The sadness and confusion. The hope. The kindness. "Because, I love you."She hung her head, closing her eyes as she replayed the words in her head. Tears dripped from her face as she sucked in a breath.
Because, I love you.
All she could think about was how much potential this had to absolutely crush them. She wanted to believe that his love was enough... enough to make this okay. But she was too conflicted. Too rational to believe in the potential of love conquering all.He placed his palm around her elbow, bringing her forward until her body crashed into his. With her head buried in his chest, he wrapped his arms around her and held her tight.He'd hold her until she believed in possibility, if he could. After a few short moments, she pulled away."I don't know where we go from here." The confession was tearful, fearfully honest."I'm leaving again soon. Maybe some distance will allow us to really think about this, decide what we want. And then when I come back, we can talk. Until then, we just... take it one day at a time, I guess." He rubbed his palms up and down her arms, soothing and slow. "I do have questions, though..."She swallowed hard. She could answer his questions... she owed him that much, right?He could sense her hesitation and quickly added: "You don't have to answer them, if you aren't feeling up to it."She shook her head. "No, that's fine." She pulled herself away from his embrace, sitting in the armchair. He took a few steps back, finding the desk and sitting on the edge of it. "Ask away...""Why didn't you call?" He didn't even hesitate... that one had been sitting on the tip of his tongue for a while now.She wished she had an answer for him. But the simple truth was, sometimes her brain is in a war with itself. She had been in two minds about this whole situation from the very beginning. "I was... confused, I guess."The words sounded as pathetic as she felt.
Confused, as if she didn't understand an instruction."Did I do something?" His voice was quiet, shaky and unsure. She had filled this man of unshakable confidence with so much doubt."No." She shook her head, almost violently, rising from the chair to close the space between them. Closer to him, she reached out and touched her fingertips to his cheek, studying his eyes. She needed him to hear this, to absorb her words and believe the truth behind them. "God, no, Castle. You were... perfect. I just... everything happened so fast, you know? It-it was a lot to process, and I freaked out. I'm so sorry."He nodded his acceptance of her words. But she wouldn't assume it was an acceptance of her apology. No, she still hadn't earned that. The hurt in his eyes refused to fade, but she wouldn't give up.He reached up to his face, gently wrapping his hand around hers and pulling her away from his face. He stared at their hands, touching hesitantly, for a moment before lacing his fingers through hers and securing the hold. It baffled him - truly baffled him - how, even when she was the cause of his anxieties, she seemed to be the one to ease it.They stood together for several minutes, not saying a single word, just allowing each other - their presence, their touch - to quiet the chaos. Each second that passed seemed to fix them, just a little bit."Have you spoken to Josh?" he asked, hesitantly. His hold on her hand tightened slightly, scared that she would try to pull away. But she didn't. She
wouldn't."No," she answered honestly. "Not about this.""But you have talked to him?" He suddenly became very aware that he knew nothing about their break-up.Was it amicable... mutual? Or was it messy... hostile? Most importantly... had it been a clean break, or was there still some invisible string tying them to one another?He knew the answer to that already. No invisible string... but a possible paternity bond...He could see her hesitation, the way her eyes avoided his and her brow furrowed as she tried to conjure words."You said..."
Over. She had said it was over."He came by my apartment... wanted to talk.""To fix things..." He knew that 'talk' all too well, having trekked that journey a few times, himself. The 'I said some things I didn't mean' conversation... the desperate grasping. Just one more chance... "So... it's not over?"She fixed her eyes to the floor. "It is.""You don't seem entirely sure."She didn't know how to explain it to him - the shame and guilt she felt. She had tried to convince herself she had done nothing wrong. She's not a cheater. She's not a liar. But every time, all she can see is the hurt look on Josh's face when he knew where she'd been. And a part of her - a very big part of her - wanted... no,
needed, to make things right with him. She had never wanted to hurt him in that way."He'll never trust me again. If there
was
any chance for us to work things out, I absolutely obliterated it the moment I showed up on your doorstep. We're done.""Okay." He was cautious, considering his next words with care. "Will that change when you tell him, though?""I'm not going to tell him." She rushed to correct Castle's assumption, the notion of having this conversation with Josh filling her with fear."Kate..."She snapped. "What, Castle?"His face dropped and she knew she'd been too harsh. He was trying...
really
trying to help her. "If it's his baby...""It might not be." She was clinging to that hope.
It might not be..."But if it
is... he has a right to know."She stood in silence. She shook her head slowly, fighting with the denial, but he could see she was absorbing his words."When I know..." she started."You don't have to do it now," he added."I'm sorry.""Why?""This isn't how it's meant to be. This isn't..." she stopped, slowed her breathing to calm the emotions rising. "I bring so many complications to your life. I'm sorry."He wrapped his arms around her. "It will get easier."
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
April 30, 2011
He had been away again, embarking on the second leg of his tour. Two weeks of signings in bookshops across the Tri-State area and she had missed him. Missed talking to him, missed seeing him at the precinct, missed his reassurances that everything would work out, one way or another.She was staring at his front door; the idea of knocking seeming incredibly daunting. The last time she was here she was greeted by an uncharacteristically unwelcoming Alexis. She understood why, but that didn't make it any easier of a pill to swallow. She had been invited this time, though. He had reached out, let her know that he was home and that he wanted to see her. A simple text,
will you join us for dinner tonight?
No further explanation.The 'us' told her they wouldn't be alone, so there might not be much opportunity to discuss things. What was she meant to do? Were they to ignore the elephant in the room? Act as if everything was
normal?Or maybe, while he was away, he had decided that he
didn't
want this anymore. That he
wasn't
willing to step up and be there for a child that potentially wasn't his own. That she wasn't worth it. Maybe he had invited her over to break the news in person. That wasn't entirely out of the realm of possibility, was it?She shook the negative thoughts from her mind, choosing to focus on fact rather than whatever fiction her polluted mind could create. Fact: he wanted to see her. That's all she needed.She summoned the courage to knock; her knuckles rapped against the door. Seconds felt like hours, her stomach coiled nervously as she waited for someone to answer.
Finally, the door opened revealing the man she had been longing to see all day.He smiled brightly, triggering the release of that coil in her stomach, the lightening of the weight she had been carrying in her shoulders. "Hey," he greeted."Hey," she responded eagerly.There was that small voice in her head that told her to hide her happiness, that she shouldn't be so enthusiastic when there was still so much uncertainty, but she was too busy relishing in his smile to listen."Come in," he instructed, stepping aside, and motioning with his hand. "Dinner is almost ready."As soon as she stepped into the loft, the aromas flirted with her senses - the
sizzling
of the pan, the smells so fragrant she could almost taste them. She looked to the kitchen where the two redheads were working together, preparing the meal. They moved effortlessly around each other, like a well-rehearsed dance. Cooking together, as a family, was obviously not an uncommon occurrence. She smiled, the thought that maybe one day she could possibly be a part of this, made its way to the forefront of her mind.His hand on her lower back, guiding her forward, brought her back to reality. His touch seared into her, invoking a flurry of emotion, conflict. It felt so right, yet so wrong. She had spent the past two weeks trying to come to terms with the guilt she had been feeling. All efforts seemingly diminished."Dinner smells amazing," she complimented as they walked toward the kitchen, ignoring her growing discomfort."Alexis has caught the culinary bug and has been cooking up a storm all week," Martha explained with extravagant hand gestures that Kate couldn't help but smile at. "We are simply reaping the benefits. She's insisted on cooking each night.""I didn't realise we were having
guests
tonight," the teen discerned with unmistakable disdain.And just like that, any thoughts of being a part of
this
evaporated. Dust, blowing away in the breeze."Alexis," Castle warned, his voice stern.Alexis looked up at her father, straightening her posture. "I just hope there's enough. That's all." Her smile was big, beautiful, and very obviously forced."I'm sure there will be plenty to go around." Martha rounded the counter, walking toward the detective. "Katherine, darling, it is good to see you."She wrapped her arms around Kate, enveloping her in a warm hug. She held her embrace until Kate pulled away."Richard has been talking about this meal all afternoon." The woman smiled, before turning back to her granddaughter. "It must have slipped Alexis's mind," she explained, apologetically, an obvious attempt to diffuse tensions."I appreciate you guys having me over." Kate smiled, cautious. She did not want to provoke any further hostility. Hostility she, no doubt, had earned.She wondered, momentarily, just how much the girl had seen during those weeks of radio silence. She had cut him off completely, leaving him to process everything by himself, leaving him to grieve the loss of her. And now, she was back, offering the girl no explanation for hurting her father. No apology, no promise to not do it again. She couldn't blame the girl for feeling protective, defensive."You're always welcome here, darling," Martha assured, walking back to her granddaughter, and giving her a gentle tap on the elbow, prompting a reaction from the girl."Always," she forced a smile, much more subtle this time. But Kate could still feel the ice."Please ignore her," Castle whispered."Maybe I shouldn't be here," she countered, matching the low tone of his voice. "I don't want to cause any trouble here." But she already had. The tension in the air didn't create itself. Alexis was hurting because her dad had been hurt. Because
Kate
had hurt him.He dropped his hand from where it rested on her back, stepping around her and cutting off her view of Alexis, breaking her trance. Her eyes fluttered up to his. He dropped his gaze to her hand and wrapped his fingers around hers, so delicately, before bringing his eyes back to hers."Come," he tilted his head toward his office. "We can talk while we wait."He began walking towards the office, pulling her hand behind him. She hesitated, noting the way the two redheads eyed the intertwined hands with curiosity. As Castle kept walking, her arm crossed over her body, and she had to give in. She turned towards him, following his lead until they were away from prying eyes."I'm sorry about that," he began, shutting the door of the office. "She's just...""Looking out for her dad," she finished his thought, the words he
wouldn't
say aloud, with the warmest smile she could muster. "She has every right to be mad at me."Silence overcame them. Any rebuttal he had was futile, they both knew that."I never meant to hurt you, Castle."She would regret her decisions for the rest of her life. Using him, abandoning him. She held so much anger. For that, she would never forgive herself."I know.""I'm trying."Trying to fix this. To fix them. To repair his wounds, and hers, so that they can move forward. Trying, so hard, to make this simple."I know that, too."It wasn't simple, though. There was no overnight fix. No magic cure for a stupid mistake."I missed you."He had plagued her thoughts, her every spare moment spent wondering: what was he doing, was he thinking about her?He smiled. "I missed you, too.""Are-" she paused, unsure if she actually wanted an answer to her question. They still hadn't addressed, well, anything really. How was this to work? She wasn't sure, but she pushed on. "Are you coming back to the precinct, now that the tour is over?""I wasn't sure about coming back," he confessed.Her stomach dropped, nauseated. "You don't want to?""No, of course I want to," he reassured. "I just... things are-""Complicated?""Right now, yeah." He paused, hoped she will say something, but she didn't. "Look, I know we agreed to carry on as usual until we find out for sure...""But, how do we do that?""Exactly."She swallowed hard.
This could be worse, she reminded herself. She was here, with him, sorting this mess out. So, yes, it could be
much
worse."Have you talked to Josh?" he asked before he could change his mind. She shook her head, no. "Don't you think...""Castle," she groaned. Why was he so insistent on her telling Josh? Didn't he see that that would just complicate things even more?"I'm not- I would
never
even
consider
telling you what to do, okay?" He tried to calm her down. "I just - I would want to know. That's all I'm saying.""And if we get the test results and he's the father then, yes, I will tell him.
Obviously. I just don't see the point in telling him right now when there's a good chance this baby is yours." She had lowered her voice to a whisper, but she still glanced through the spaces in his bookshelves to make sure his mother and daughter hadn't overheard. "Is that okay with you?"She wasn't
really
asking. She didn't really care. She wouldn't tell Josh, couldn't tell Josh, not unless she absolutely had to. She couldn't face him, not yet. Not until she found a way to deal with this guilt."Yes," he conceded."Okay." Done, end of conversation, case closed."Okay," he agreed to her silent terms.She had done it again, misplaced her anger. Taken it out on him. The silence was palpable. She couldn't keep doing this, but she didn't know how to stop. It came out of nowhere, and she didn't recognise it until it was too late."And you haven't changed your mind about
us?" he implored, daring yet cautious, a walking contradiction. He was happy to do this at her pace - diving into it right now, or waiting until things were less... complex. He didn't mind either way. What he
truly
wanted to know was that she hadn't changed her mind altogether. That she hadn't managed to convince herself it was too much, too risky, not worth it.Truthfully, she
had
changed her mind. A million times over. She would convince herself that this was right, that she should risk it all and dive in head first. But then the overwhelming need to protect her heart would step in, shut down the dreamer in her, respond with logic. "No." She shook her head. "I need to know, first.""I told you, that doesn't change how I feel about you.""I believe that when you say that, you mean it. But the reality is... we don't know how we are going to feel if this doesn't go the way we want it to."The way we want it to. He hadn't misheard that; she wanted this baby to be his. She wanted to be a family.
The way we want it to.
He would fixate on those words, hold them near as a reminder of what was possible."I understand that." He was a patient man, and he would find ways to reassure her that she was all he wanted."I just can't let myself trust in something so fragile. I can't handle the possible fallout. I'm sorry.""I understand that, too." He was so close to having everything he had wanted for so long. He knew it was fragile, he knew the possible fallout. But he wouldn't give up."You do?""You think I'm not worried? I'm worried that this baby isn't mine. That you'll tell Josh and he'll want to be a happy family. Where does that leave me?""Josh and I are over," she assured him. She hadn't so much as heard from Josh in weeks. Not since that morning in her apartment."But a baby changes things. There's no clean break. If he wants to be a part of this child's life, he has every right. And he's not going to
like
me being a part of it, too."They stood in silence, soaking up all the truths that had been spilled. This mess, a tangle of complications, was beginning to unravel. Slowly but surely, they would get there. Of that, he was sure."I know my promises are fragile, but I just want to say that I will not give up on you. Not until you tell me I should."A soft knock on the door ended their conversation abruptly. The door slowly creaked open and Martha poked her head through the gap."Dinner is ready," she announced with a smile, before disappearing again."You ready?" he asked.She nodded; they could do this. He wrapped his hand around hers again, leading her back out into the loft.Dinner went surprisingly well, considering the factors working against them: an angsty teenager, an anxious detective, and surreptitious circumstances.As he was washing dishes and packing away any remaining untidiness in the kitchen, his mother approached with a look that he could only describe as
meddlesome. He had watched her studying them all through dinner, her eyes drifting between Kate, Alexis and himself. She was uncharacteristically quiet the entire meal, so he knew this was coming."It's nice to see you and Katherine on good terms again," she started, feigning a casual air that he
knew
wasn't authentic."We were never on bad terms, Mother." He passed her the wine glasses from the dish rack."Richard, I am no fool, and neither is your daughter," she quipped as the placed the glasses into the cabinet."Terms were
uncertain, never bad," he divulged."Mmhmm. Are the two of you," she waved her hand around, as if signifying something coherently, "you know?""I am sure I don't know," he teased."You two looked awfully cosy at dinner," she pressed."And?"She was growing tired of this game. Subtlety - if that's what you could call this - wasn't going to work."Please just assure me the boyfriend is out of the picture," she spurted out.Ah, yes. The boyfriend."Not exactly," he informed her, hesitantly."Richard, you are not a home wrecker!""it isn't-" It isn't like that. "I'm not a home wrecker. It's just,
complicated.""Well, you need to
un-complicate it," she warned, swatting his shoulder in a disciplinary manner. "If she's spoken for, you need to back off.""She's not
spoken for. What is this, some seventeenth-century lecture?""Stop deflecting. If she is single, I don't see what the problem is.""There is no problem," he insisted, the pitch of his voice dangerously close to giving him away."Richard, I know you don't like to admit it, but I know you well enough to know when something isn't quite right. You're worried about something. Katherine is as skittish as a cat and Alexis is picking up on the tension. What is going on?""She's pregnant," he surrendered, weakly.He was met with silence. Stunned silence, something that felt unfamiliar coming from his mother."Is it-?"Ah, the burning question on everyone's mind."I don't know," he admitted reluctantly.Silence. Silence so uncomfortable he briefly considered running away.
Literally
running out of the loft and away from this conversation."Richard, you need to walk away." Her voice pulled him from his melodramatic thoughts."Walk away?" He couldn't. He
wouldn't."I know you have feelings for her but, darling," she sighed, concern for her son filling her heart. She placed a hand on his forearm, a mother's comforting touch is sometimes her only tool."This is no different to me asking her to accept Alexis," he argued."It
is
different. It is
vastly
different. Surely you can see that.""How?" He begged for an explanation. Anything that would justify everyone's assumption that
walking away
is what's best for him."You're not asking her to
raise
Alexis. You're not asking her to step into the role of mother, for Alexis.""She's not asking me to do that." He was exasperated, done with this conversation. "Speaking of not asking, I don't recall asking for your opinion, so-" he cut himself off before he said something he couldn't take back, something he may regret.He knew his mother meant well. That her intentions were nothing but pure. But he wasn't a child."You wear your heart on your sleeve. You love unconditionally and you give without question. That is one of the
many
things we all love about you, Richard," she affirmed. "Just... don't let her take advantage of that.""She's not.""I trust you; I do. I just don't want to see you hurt."She took her leave and headed upstairs for the night. He was alone, once again, left with only his thoughts. The chaos, amplified. The uncertainty, more nerve wracking than ever. The dull thumping in his head - a persistent presence since Kate broke the news - had intensified beyond limitation. And yet, he felt a sense of relief. This secret no longer was his own. Within the walls of this loft, he had an ally. Someone who was truly on his side, and his side only.
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
May 2, 2011
She wanted to maintain her routines as much as possible, including her fitness routines. Obviously sparring was out of the question, her sessions at the overcrowded gym were to be stopped but running was fine. And so run, she would.It was already becoming a chore, fatigue winning out most mornings last week. And even on the mornings she did manage to drag herself out of bed early enough, keeping her pace was difficult. Runs turned into jogs, jogs turned into a brisk walk.This morning, however, she was determined. She had managed a three-mile jog, keeping a steady pace. By the time she arrived back home, she felt like her muscles were on fire. But the burn was good,
so good. She had missed this, even if
this
was only a fraction of what she used to be capable of. It felt good.She entered her apartment, the room dimly lit by morning sunlight shining through half-closed blinds. She walked to the kitchen, grabbing a bottle of water from the fridge, and cracking it open. The cold water cooled her core, refreshing her and quenching her thirst. She pulled her earbuds from her ears, placing her iPod on the counter before picking up her phone to check for any missed calls.The animated voice sounded through the line, "You have one voicemail message."
Hey kid.
Her face dropped. She recognised the voice instantly, stomach churning in response.
It's Royce.
Her heart skipped a beat. What could he possibly want? They hadn't spoken since she arrested him. Not for lack of trying, on his part, but she had consistently refused to answer. He stopped calling after a while. The last she heard, he was living in LA.
I know I got no right to ask, but I need your help. I just got back into town and the fire's coming fast. Please call me.
The line cut out, leaving her stunned, conflicted. Old wounds, reopened by the sound of his voice. How dare he call her and ask for her help after what he did.Her phone began to vibrate in her hand, her ringtone sounding immediately after. She answered without a second thought, bringing it back up to her ear."Royce?" she asked, habitually hopeful."No, it's Castle."She sighed, swallowing her disappointment."You okay? Were you expecting Royce?""What? No, it's-" she had to get a grip, pull herself together. She couldn't be so thrown off by a simple voicemail. "I'm fine. What's up?""I was thinking about coming into the precinct today.""Oh." She swallowed. Her throat felt dry, mouth like cotton. She reached for the bottle of water, sipping slowly."That is if you're okay with it." His voice was cautious, she had him feeling unsure.She swallowed the mouthful of water, trying to pull herself together. "Yeah, yeah of course. I just-" She hesitated,
oh God, the timing. "I won't be in until after 10 today.""Is everything okay?""Yeah," she answered after a moment. "I have an ultrasound.""Oh." Silence. Three long seconds of deafening silence.She wasn't sure what his expectations were in regard to this side of things. A part of her had wanted to invite him to join her. She wanted him to be a part of this, she wanted this baby to be his. But, if it wasn't, all of this just seemed…
cruel."I'll see you after 10, then?" He reworded his initial sentiment:
if you're okay with it."Yeah.""I'll bring coffee," he added, hanging up almost immediately after.Guilt twinged in her gut. She should have told him. But at the same time, he hadn't asked about any of this. He had been here before, with Meredith, he knew what to expect and yet he hadn't asked a single question about appointments or ultrasounds. Did he not want to be involved in this way? Or was he giving her space, respecting her privacy? Was it on her to initiate these conversations?It was 10am, on the dot. The elevator doors rolled open and he walked into the bullpen with as much feigned confidence as he could summon. Two coffees in hand, he strode towards Beckett's desk. It had been weeks since he had been here, and he was feeling out of place."Out of luck, Bro." Esposito's voice beckoned his attention. He turned on his heel, turning his attention towards the break room, where Espo and Ryan were just leaving. "Beckett isn't here."Castle recognised this tone of voice, the body language on both men as they slowly approached him. He was in their bad books. He smiled, trying to show them that all was alright."I know. She should be arriving soon, though. So, I thought I would have a coffee ready for her." He placed the to go cup on her desk."Does she
want
you here, Castle?" Ryan's voice was much softer than Espo's. More caring, more concerned. Less
get out of here or I'll beat your ass. Castle appreciated it."Did she tell you she
didn't
want me here?" he questioned."She didn't
have
to tell us. Weren't the unanswered calls enough?" Esposito's overprotective big brother act was all bravado, Castle knew that. But he hated the fact that the boys –
his friends
– had painted him as the bad guy. Obviously, they didn't actually know what was going on. Surely, if they did, they would understand that this wasn't his fault."Javi, leave him alone." Lanie stepped out from the break room. She had been well hidden by the boys' stance; Castle hadn't even realised she was there. "It's good to see you, Castle."She wrapped her arms around him, embracing him with compassion. The act was unusual and seemed to confuse the boys just as much as it confused Castle. But he was never one to knock back a hug. He wrapped his arms around her tightly, just for a moment, and then they both pulled away."How was the tour?" she asked. It wasn't the question she truly wanted answered, but it would do for now.He let out a long sigh. "It was long. Uneventful. Not a lot to report, unfortunately."Lanie smiled. "Well,
I'm
glad you're back." She looked over her shoulder to her boyfriend, who was eyeing the interaction curiously. "Javi's missed you," she added with a smirk.Esposito looked at her, betrayed. "Lanie, what the heck?""It's okay, I missed you too," Castle laughed. He wasn't too macho to admit it. The team here was like family. He had missed them all while he was away.They heard the familiar ding of the elevator announcing its arrival on their floor. The doors opened and a very solemn-looking Beckett stepped out, hands in her jacket pockets, eyes focussed intently on the floor on her feet moving as she walked the familiar path to her desk.About halfway to her destination, she looked up, noticing the group for the first time. All eyes were glued to her."Hi," she greeted, feeling rather self-conscious under all the eyes."Hi," four voices echoed back to her in almost perfect unison."Uh, I brought you coffee." Castle pointed to the cup on her desk.Her eyes moved to the cup, eyeing it as if it had offended her in some way. "Thank you," she muttered, lifting it from the desk and slowly bringing it to her lips.The smell filled her nostrils. The same caffeinated scent she used to enjoy so much, now caused her stomach to churn. She took a breath, closed her eyes, and sipped. Decaf, disgusting, but she would force herself to tolerate it. Because she appreciated this, appreciated the normalcy that Castle was offering in the face of so much upheaval. She appreciated him, his presence, his support."I was hoping to catch you, actually," Lanie stated, gaining Kate's attention. "Can we talk?""Um, sure." She placed the coffee back on her desk, offered Castle a small smile of appreciation and then followed Lanie into the break room. She closed the door behind them, for a little extra privacy. "What's up?" she asked, casually."I was going to ask you the same thing. You seem kind of out of it," her friend noted, concerned."I'm fine," she reassured with a smile, but it was far from the truth. She was overwhelmed. Life kept coming at her, wave after wave, and she felt like she was drowning."You can talk to me," Lanie insisted.Beckett looked over her shoulder, through the cracks in the blinds that covered the break room windows. The boys were still hovering by her desk but seemed immersed in conversation. She looked back to Lanie, pulling a small, folded piece of paper from her pocket and handing it to her friend."Oh, my goodness," Lanie cooed, running a finger delicately along the printout ultrasound image. "That's a baby. An
actual
baby." She had dropped her voice to a whisper. It hadn't really hit her yet, the reality of this, the notion that her friend was
actually
carrying a child. She could only imagine how hard this would have hit Kate. "Are you okay?""Should I have told Castle about the ultrasound?" she asked, avoiding the question."No," Lanie answered with confidence that only lasted a second. "I don't know, maybe?""Royce called me this morning," she jumped to the next thought that had been gnawing at her, hoping Lanie would manage to keep up."What the hell did he want?""Help.""What did you say?"She shook her head. "I missed the call. He left a voicemail, but I haven't called him back.""Are you going to?" Anger faded to concern, concern for her friend and all that she had on her mind right now."I don't know if I can. I can't deal with this right now, Lanie." She scrubbed her hands over her face. "It's just… it's too much."The break room door slowly creaked open and Esposito poked his head through the gap. Lanie placed the printout face down on the table, resting her hand over it casually, hiding it from sight. Both women looked to Esposito, giving him their undivided attention."Cap wants us down in records," he stated, an apologetic look on his face. His shoulder budged the door open further, revealing Castle and Ryan hovering behind.Lanie looked back to Beckett, eyes darting down to the paper under her hand. Beckett reached out, taking it, and slipping it into her pocket. She was subtle, but not subtle enough to avoid Castle's observing eyes."Maybe we can meet you down there in a few minutes?" he suggested, looking to Esposito for acknowledgement. Espo nodded."I should go, let you guys get back to work." Lanie gave Beckett's hand a gentle, supportive squeeze. She walked toward the door, placing a kiss on Esposito's cheek and saying her goodbyes before leaving.Ryan and Esposito followed suit, leaving Castle and Beckett alone in the break room."How did it go?" Castle asked once they're alone. She nodded, not trusting her voice to successfully hide the array of emotions she was feeling in this moment. "Is that a picture?" he gestured toward her, taking his best guess at what she had so slyly hidden away from sight moments earlier."Uh, yeah. Yeah, it is." She was hesitant to show him, but he held out his hand."May I?"She pulled it from her pocket, handing it across to him. He glanced at the information printed at the top of the frame: Katherine Houghton Beckett, 11/17/1979. He searched until he found the information he was seeking: GA = 6w5d."Six weeks?""They estimate from last menstruation, not conception," she explained."You know, I never really understood why they did that. I always assumed conception would mark day one, you know?"She chuckled, "Yeah. I guess it's just easier. Not everyone knows the exact day they conceived."He stared at the image in his hands, the small unmistakable figure in a sea of grainy greyscale. He felt…
nothing."Everything seems to be okay?" he asked, passing the printout back to her.She nodded, taking the image from him. The baby was healthy, growing as it should. But things still seemed so far from okay."We should go," she urged. "Montgomery will be waiting for us.""Right," he accepted that this marked the end of this conversation. He held his hand out, gesturing toward the door. "After you."He followed her to the elevator, studying the back of her head as if it would offer him the answers she wasn't willingly giving up. Today was one of those days where he regretted getting out of bed. Today just didn't feel right.And he couldn't pinpoint why.The Captain's
special assignment
for the team was… a distraction, at least. They had spent the day sorting through cold cases. A serial killer in Pittsburgh had confessed to running rampant in New York City for almost six years over a decade ago – and now the NYPD was scrambling to save face.After hours of digging through files, they had a pile of twelve
maybe's
that they would pass along to the cold case investigation team to look into further. They wouldn't say it was a waste of a day – far from it, in fact – but it was tedious work, and no guaranteed win.The one thing that she would count as a win, however, was how easily they fell back into working together. Although the day was long, draining, it wasn't awkward. They fell back into the old dynamic – the push and pull – that she was used to, that she had counted on time and time again. And for the first time in weeks, her mind wasn't a chaotic minefield.They had just finished packing up for the day, when Montgomery entered the conference room, face sombre."Everything okay, Captain?" Beckett asked sincerely."Beckett, Castle, you can go," he dismissed, moving his attention to Ryan and Esposito. "A word in my office, detectives."He took his leave, pacing across the bullpen to his office. The boys exchanged worried glances, wondering what the issue could possibly be. They placed the file boxes they had been packing onto the table and then headed to Montgomery's office. Montgomery closed the door behind them, risking one more glance in Beckett's direction before doing so."I wonder what that's about," Castle mused."I don't know."She kept glancing up at the Captain's office as she packed away the last of the files, concern gnawing at her. Castle passed her the lightest of the boxes, then stacked the remaining two to carry himself.They trekked down to the records room in silence. He could feel her growing more anxious by the minute, the peace she had managed to find throughout the day draining away from her as her thoughts began to swirl again. He wanted to help her, to calm her, but he just didn't know how.By the time they got back to the bullpen, Montgomery's office was empty."Maybe they went home?" Castle suggested, a plausible scenario.But she wasn't convinced. "Yeah, maybe."She grabbed her jacket from the back of her chair, slinging it over her forearm."Walk you out?" she offered, conjuring her best attempt at a smile.He appreciated her efforts. Right now, that's all they had.
Effort. To make this work, to make things right again, would take effort on both parts. He appreciated that she was trying, despite her apprehension."Sounds good." He smiled. They walked to the garage in silence, but by the time they got into their respective cars, they felt one more step closer to being okay.He hadn't taken off yet, hadn't even started his car, when his phone began to ring."Castle," he answered, eyes on Beckett's car as she drove away."Yo, Castle, you still with Beckett?" Esposito's voice came through the speaker as a broken crackle. Cell reception in the garage was shoddy at the best of times."She just left. What's up?""Mike Royce is dead."
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
May 2, 2011
He thought that he could mask the fear in his voice, but apparently not."Castle, just tell me what is going on," she demanded, voice crackling through the phone speaker. He should have at least moved out of the garage before calling her, but this felt urgent."Are you home yet? Maybe I can come over-""Castle!" she snapped, putting an end to his nervous rambling before it could even start.Captain Montgomery didn't want her to know, ordered them not to tell her – not yet – but Esposito felt she had a right to know. Mike Royce was dead."It's about Royce…" his voice trailed off. He didn't want to say the words, didn't want to be the one to break the news. He had watched her do it a hundred times. He didn't have her skill, her ability to do this with grace.He didn't have to, though. As soon as he muttered the name, she knew.
She knew.The world slowed as she pulled her car off to the side of the road.
I know I got no right to ask, but I need your help.
Her chest tightened. She couldn't breathe. Couldn't focus.
The fire's coming fast.
"What do we know?" She snapped into work mode, burying the pain."I don't- I don't know," he answered honestly. "Ryan and Esposito are on the scene. They just- they thought you should know.""Where?""You can't go, Kate.""Where?"He surrendered the address of the crime scene, knowing she would get there one way or another. He didn't want to be an obstacle right now. He needed her to know he was on her side.The line cut out. A dead spot, maybe? No, he wasn't that naïve. She had hung up on him. He knew he had to do something, but he didn't know what. He started his car, finally, and hoped that he would get there before she did.He jogged toward the scene. He hadn't seen her car anywhere, so he hoped he had made it in time. He pushed through the crowd of onlookers, ducked underneath the crime scene tape, rounded the corner into the alley.The Captain stood at the other end, same somber face he wore at the precinct. Castle made a beeline for him, ignoring the scene around him. He didn't want to see, but he couldn't help but look as he passed. The man Beckett admired, the man Beckett had once loved, the man that had shaken her faith so monumentally, lay dead behind a dumpster. And she was on her way to the scene."Castle, what the hell are you doing here?" Esposito's voice demanded his attention.Castle ignored his question, pushing forward and continuing on his journey to the Captain."She's on her way," he informed the man."I was going to tell her-" Montgomery started to explain."Yeah? When?""I understand you're upset, that you might not agree with what I'm doing, but she's a liability."The words took him by surprise.
A liability."She's been checked out lately, and this - this either has something to do with it, or it could quite possibly send her over the edge. Either way, she can't be a part of this."Castle's frustration subsided. "Well, I'm sorry." He nodded his head, flicked his eyes over the man's shoulders.Montgomery turned to see the car approaching, lights flashing. He took a deep breath, bracing himself for whatever wrath may be headed his way."Where is he?" she asked as soon as she was close enough. She wasn't going to waste time with pleasantries."Turn around and go back home and let me handle this. All right?" Montgomery's voice came across as pleading. No orders barked, just a desperate plea, a futile attempt to save her from this heartache for just a little bit longer."Sir, I've seen dead bodies before," she justified, as if this were just another dead body. No one would buy that, no one would allow such a rational justification in such emotional times.And yet, Montgomery stepped aside, tilting his head toward where Royce took his final breath.Castle couldn't believe Montgomery had conceded so easily. Where was the anger for his people going behind his back? The insistence that she shouldn't be here had vanished all too quickly.Tell her to go home. Order her to stand down. Do…
something!She started to walk toward the body. Montgomery stayed silent.Castle turned, striding to keep pace with her. "Come on, Kate. You don't want to remember him like this.""Castle, if it was me lying there, would you just walk away?"But it wasn't her. It wasn't her and therefore he didn't care what he would do. It was selfish, yes, but he couldn't handle this right now. He couldn't handle her grief potentially derailing the very few, very small steps they had taken.He didn't know what to do. He was really growing tired of that feeling. The helplessness.She stopped in her tracks as soon as Royce's face came into view. A wave of nausea rushed over her; her head began to spin."I'm so sorry, honey," Lanie choked out, emotions raw and painted across her face.Kate closed her eyes. Maybe she wasn't ready. Taking a deep breath, she forced her eyes open, looking down at her feet. "Just, tell me what happened.""He was shot in the leg. Judging from the blood trail, I'd say the bullet broke the bone. He tried to hide, but…" Lanie trailed off. She didn't need to finish her thought, it was obvious. He tried to hide, but it was too little, too late. He was found, he was killed.Lifeless body left in an alleyway. Nobody was blind to the parallels there.Kate crouched down beside the body, beside Royce, and took a moment to allow it to sink in, he's gone. When she stood again, she was ready to leave, to walk away. Ready to admit this was too much."Royce, um, had something else in his pocket." Lanie looked to Castle then back to Kate. "It's addressed to you."She opened the letter as she turned away, reading."Is it about the case?" Castle asked, trying to restrain the curiosity in his voice.She continued to read. "No."She could sense Castle's presence, hovering, irritating. She stopped walking, and he nearly ran into her, his chest grazing lightly against her arm. She looked up from the letter to him. His eyes sparkled with concern, a sparkle that dissolved her irritation and replaced it with guilt. Here she was, once again, causing this man so much unnecessary stress."Go home, Castle.""Where are you going?" he asked, even though he was sure he already knew."I'm going to the precinct.""Then, so am I."She held his gaze, considered her options. She knew he had made up his mind, he was stubborn. Rolling her eyes, she relented. "Fine."It was late, fatigue was settling in, but she wouldn't give up yet. She knew she was pushing them too hard, she would rein it in soon. Let them go home, possibly even go home herself. But right now, she needed something,
anything.Like, a last minute plane ticket booked under a fake name. A lead,
a good lead, that lead them straight back to LA."Beckett," Montgomery called, standing at his office door. The entire team looked in his direction, then to her. They had been waiting for this, they knew it would come sooner or later. "A word."She moved slowly, purposefully. A million explanations, justifications, excuses, swirled in her mind. He didn't need to remove her from this case, she was fine.Montgomery met Castle's gaze, tilting his head into his office, an invitation. Or an order, maybe. Either way, he obeyed, following closely until they stood side-by-side in front of the Captain's desk."Detective," he started. She didn't give him the opportunity to finish his sentence."I can do this, Sir.""You're too close," he explained. His hands were tied, she couldn't continue."I am committed, I'm
not
compromised," she began rattling off the list in her head. The explanations, the justifications, but he wasn't interested."You're torn up," he called her bluff, voice stern, authoritative. She stared at him, like a deer in the headlights. Frozen in thought. "Kate, things between you and Royce ended badly. I get it. But that emotion is exactly why I need to assign this to someone else."She remained, unmoving, silent. Eyes glistening with everything she was holding back. She bit down on her bottom lip, the pain in her flesh easing the pain in her heart."You know what, you're right. I am too close to this," she admitted, much to everyone's surprise. "I have some vacation days coming up, I think now will be a good time."Realisation settled deep. She wasn't resigning from the case, she was going rogue. She was diving into this, regardless. Montgomery wanted to backpedal. At least if she was on the case, she would have backup. But he couldn't. Rules, regulations, protocols. He couldn't help her."Kate, I hope you're not thinking about doing something reckless.""No, Sir." She bit her tongue, swallowed her guilt for lying to her superior. She knew he didn't buy it, but she also knew he wouldn't stop her.
Couldn't
stop her.She walked out.Castle looked to Montgomery, waiting for...
something. An order. Advice. Anything."You're not here for my benefit, Castle."He exited the office, walking toward her desk. She had already gathered her belongings, was already on her way out."Where are you going?" he called out to her. She stopped, but didn't turn. He could feel eyes on them, two overly concerned detectives nearby. Waiting, watching.She took a breath, turned to face him."Home," she lied."The hell you are.""Castle, please. Just… don't."He wanted to push, wanted to take control. Take her home, make her stop. He wanted to protect her from herself.She walked away. He let her go. Because, in the end, there was nothing he could do. Not if she didn't want him to.She reached the elevator, stepped inside, pushed the button. He watched her, waited for her to look at him, but her eyes remained glued to the floor. The doors began to close and, finally, she looked up. It was a brief moment, a split second, but she looked to him and she offered him all she had - an apologetic smile.
May 3, 2011
She pulled her vibrating phone from her pocket, staring at the screen until his face disappeared and was replaced with a missed call notification.She didn't want to be here again: ignoring his calls, too ashamed to answer, to talk to him. But it was different this time. She was going to call him back, the second the plane landed. The second it was too late for him to do anything to try and stop her. Because, even though she had boarded the plane and was minutes from take off, she wouldn't underestimate him. He probably had connections at the airport who could call in a favour and have this flight grounded. So, until she was certain she was in the clear, he could wait.The flight was packed, cramped. She was lucky to get a ticket last night, one of the last left. A large man made his way down the aisle, eyeing the seat beside her. She groaned internally, already seated beside a larger-than-average man, the last thing she needed was to be wedged between him and another.The man took his seat, smiling politely. His scent - either too much cologne or not enough - burned in her nostrils, stirring her already unsettled stomach. Instinctively she brought her hand up to her face, covering her mouth and nose. The man looked at her, insecurities marring his expression, she felt awful. It was entirely too late, but she shifted her hand, biting on her thumbnail as if that had been her true intent. She offered him a courteous smile, an apology of sorts, but the damage was done.An air hostess made her way down the aisle. "Katherine Beckett?" she asked as she reached Kate's row."Yes?""Your seat has been upgraded," she explained.Kate practically jumped from her seat. She wasn't sure how this happened, but she wasn't about to question it. The hostess escorted her to the front of the plane, to her newly assigned seat.She shouldn't have been surprised, she should have somehow seen this coming. There, in the seat beside hers, sat none other than Richard Castle. He looked up at her, eyes filled with a mocking joy. He was so damn proud of himself."Champagne?" he offered. She just
knew
he'd been practicing that line in his head while he waited for her. He was smug, she hated it. Hated that he had figured out her plan, that he knew her so well, that he could read her like a book. "Just kidding. It's non-alcoholic cider, but feel free to order something else."She sat in the seat beside him, buckling her seatbelt. She tried to be mad, but as she stretched her legs out, shuffled back into the comfortably cushioned chair, she couldn't help but smile. She schooled her expression before turning to her partner."You can't stop me from doing this, Castle," she said. She didn't explain exactly what this was, but he didn't need her to. He knew better than to overstep her boundaries."I'm not here to stop you," he clarified."Then why are you here?"He shrugged. "To remind you that you're not alone, I guess."She hung her head back, that stab of guilt back once again. She trusted that he wanted to be there for her, but she couldn't help but relate his words back to his promises, back to their current situation, back to everything that hung by such a thin thread, a thread that was beginning to fray."I know I'm not alone," she remarked, taking a calming breath."You okay?" he asked.She nodded, she was as okay as she was going to be, for now.After a few minutes, he dared to ask: "Did you know Royce was in town?""I haven't spoken to him, not since I arrested him.""But you were expecting him to call you?"She looked at him, confused."When I called you, yesterday," he jogged her memory.Oh, right. "He tried to call, left me a message," she explained."What did he want?"She looked at him, warning. He was treading dangerously close to prying. She didn't have the patience for that right now."You don't have to tell me." He granted her a pass. "But Montgomery thinks you know something." It was almost a challenge, daring her to confess or prove her innocence.She frowned, shook her head, took the bait. "If I knew something, I would have said something.""I
know that." His voice was almost teasing, now. Trying to lightening the mood. They had a whole flight to survive, best not to rush in too deep too quickly."Oh, do you?""Yeah, if you knew this was coming, you would have been in a
much
worse mood.""Right, because I've been such a treat to be around lately," she laughed."Oh, totally," he joked. He placed his hand over hers, the sensation of skin on skin garnering her full attention. "Insufferable, really."She appreciated what he was doing. Yet again, seemingly reading her mind and giving her exactly what she needed to feel okay again. He'd push her, just enough to keep her moving, but not so far that she felt like she was free falling.She was glad he was here.The day had been challenging, to say the least. He felt like they had hit a brick wall: their most promising lead was back in New York City, they managed to land themselves on the local PD's radar and Kate had been absolutely berated by Montgomery in front of
stupid
Seeger. She had been humiliated.But now, here they were, sitting entirely too close, and she was offering up personal information, reminiscing on the good old days with Royce, opening up to him. She wasn't pulling away, she wasn't shutting him out. In the face of adversity, she was allowing herself to lean on him.He leaned back into the couch, into her space. "You know what I thought when I first met you?" he asked.She shook her head, no."That you were a mystery I was never going to solve. Even now, after spending all this time with you, I'm... I'm still amazed by the depths of your strength, and your heart." His mind was racing, telling him to slow down, to ease up on the heaviness. To not say too much, too soon.The truth was, his heart was swelling. Beating strong, for her. He had said the words, weeks ago, when he was scared of losing everything. When he could feel the future he wanted slipping from his grasp. They were uttered in a desperate moment, but he meant them.
He loved her.
He wanted to say the words, but he didn't want to scare her away.Lighten the mood, ease the tension."And by your hotness," he added."You're not so bad yourself, Castle," she quipped with a smile.She reached out, brushed a finger along his collar. She could feel her heart beating wildly in her chest. Her eyes dropped to his lips, watching as the corners of his mouth twitched, the threat of a smile lurking there. The magnetic pull was too strong to ignore.Their lips met, gently pressing against one another, dancing together in perfect synchrony. Her hand lifted, finding its place against his cheek, pulling him toward her. His hands made their way to her waist as his body pressed against hers.She needed to stop using him to escape her emotions, but he worked so well. He knew exactly how to make her forget her troubles, knew how to take away her pain. And it was different this time, they were different. They both knew this was the end goal. That
they
were the end goal.He moved his mouth to her neck, trailing kisses down to her shoulder, then back up to her jaw, before crashing his lips to hers again.His heart was racing. The room felt like it was spinning. He was drunk on her. Bewitched by the memories they shared, blinded by anticipation.He pulled himself from her lips, missing her instantaneously. "I'm sorry," he whispered, catching his breath."Sorry?""I get carried away," he explained."I
kissed
you," she recapitulated."Right," he agreed. "But you said you wanted to wait. That you had to know first."He placed his hands over hers, trying to be comforting. He didn't want her to feel rejected, unwanted. Because,
God, he wanted her."If you've changed your mind about us, I'm happy to discuss that." He paused, choosing his next words carefully. "If you haven't changed your mind, I just... I don't think I can handle having you just for the night."She nodded her head slowly. She understood where he was coming from. The fear that this little bubble of theirs was about to burst was still at the forefront of her mind."It's getting late. I should go,"He repeated his sentiment: "I really am sorry."She smiled, shook her head.He continued, "We'll work this out.""I know." She didn't though, and that was the problem. She had too many doubts, too many fears that stopped her from giving in to him. Giving in to her own desires.She rose from her position on the couch, picking her cellphone up from the coffee table and turning to head towards her bedroom. Once she reached the door, she placed a steadying hand on the door frame, looking back to her partner."Thank you. For being here, for reminding me that I'm not alone." It meant more than he would ever know."Always," he replied, drawing a smile from her.And just when she felt like she was on the right track, like she had two feet planted firmly on solid ground for the first time in weeks, fate stepped in to knock her off balance again.Her phone began to ring, the tone that was designated specifically for him. She looked down at the cell in her hand, at the face that illuminated the screen. It felt like all the air had been sucked out of the room."Are you okay?" he asked, worried by her sudden vague expression."Um, yeah. I-" she couldn't form words, this had taken her by surprise. Eventually, she managed coherency. "It's Josh."Her brain finally kicked into gear. She pushed on the little icon, connecting the line, and held the device to her ear. "Josh?"Castle rose from the couch. He knew he should give her some privacy, but his feet just wouldn't work. She rushed into her bedroom, closing the door behind her.He just stood there, dumbfounded. This felt like a sneak attack, like a badly written plot twist, the cliffhanger you're left with in the season finale. He just wanted to skip to the end, to know where this was leading them.But this wasn't one of his books."I waited for you to call, but you never called."He had been drinking, that much was obvious."I miss you, Katie. We were good. We were
so
good. I just- I ruined it with my stupid ego and I'm so sorry."She didn't know what to say to that. Her emotions were out of control right now. Hormones, Royce, Castle.Oh, God... Castle. She had been caught so off guard that she had just run off and left him standing there.And now she had been silent for too long, spent too much time mulling over these thoughts instead of talking to her obviously intoxicated ex.But she didn't know what to say. She felt guilty,
so guilty, that he didn't know about the baby. That he could be a father... and he had no idea.That thought sent her stomach somersaulting. A
father, that seemed surreal. And she was going to be a
mother...A wave of nausea rushed over her. Now was not the time to discuss this, not with Josh, not when he had been drinking."I figured it was about time to make things super awkward," he chuckled, her silence obviously amused him. But his amusement relieved her. She hadn't heard his laugh in so long."What took you so long, huh?" she inquired, jokingly.He laughed again, the sound causing her to smile. She really did enjoy that sound. But it was short-lived."I just hope you can forgive me for being an idiot," he muttered softly.Emotion swelled in her chest, spilled from her eyes.
God, why couldn't he be this sweet when it actually mattered?
She wiped her face with the back of her hand, she felt so stupid."We both made our fair share of mistakes," she whispered."I want to see you again," he declared. "Are you at home? I
need
to see you.""I'm out of town, for work," she informed him.She wasn't sure what she would have said if she was home. If she didn't have this excuse handy, would she have given in to his request?"When you get back?" She stayed quiet for what felt like forever to him. "Please?" he pleaded.His voice sounded so broken, so lost."I'll let you know when I'm back in town," she caved."Love you, Katie." His lowered inhibitions betrayed him, the words spilling from him before he had even registered them. He could say it was habit, but that would be a lie.Her heart shattered into a million pieces. For him, for her, for Castle. "Goodbye, Josh," she said softly before hanging up.She walked back to the bedroom door and peaked out, but Castle was gone. She sighed and went to bed.But sleep wouldn't come easily.
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
May 4th
She tossed and turned all night, sleep evading her despite her desperate need for it. She tried to quieten her thoughts, to slow the pace of her mind long enough to succumb to sleep, with little success. Each time her body stopped fighting, slipped into slumber, she was woken by a violent wave of nausea.Now, the sunlight was peaking around the edges of the blackout curtains. The promise of tomorrow had arrived too soon, filling her with dread for what the day ahead would hold.She pulled herself up, sitting on the edge of the bed. The change in position sent a surge through her body: nausea to her stomach, dizziness to her head. She closed her eyes, focused on her breathing, and wished for an end to this unfortunate illness.But, that's right, this wasn't illness. This was life now, for the foreseeable future.
Six to eight weeks, usually,
the doctor had said. Six to eight weeks of
slight
nausea was to be expected, was common. For the past week it had come and gone in waves, but each wave was growing stronger, more persistent.Her stomach churned - cartwheels, over and over - and her breathing techniques couldn't save her now. She felt the clench of her abdominal muscles, the pull in her throat as the bile rose,
burned. She swallowed it down, but it persevered. Hand over her mouth, her other arm wrapped securely across her stomach, she made it to the en suite just in time.She rode the wave until it passed, slumping against the cool glass shower door once the uncontrollable heaving subsided. She wiped the beads of sweat that congregated above her brow, took slow and steady breaths. She allowed a few short minutes of recovery, summoning her strength, before reaching up to turn on the shower. Mist of cold water ricocheted off her arm, spraying her face, cooling her, a welcome relief.She hoped - prayed and begged - that this wouldn't last long. Six to eight weeks of this, what a nightmare.A shower had her feeling more
human. Less fatigued, less nauseated, more capable of making it through the day.She rummaged through the cupboards in the kitchenette, searching for something edible, something that
wouldn't
trigger more sickness, but there was nothing.She moved to the lounge, slumping down into the corner of the couch. She considered putting on the TV, watching something mindless, but she didn't want to wake Castle. Maybe now that she wasn't feeling
as
sick, she would be able to get a little more sleep. She shuffled her body along the couch, putting her feet up on the cushions and laying her head down on one of the decorative pillows. She took a deep breath and closed her eyes. This was fine, this was comfortable. Maybe, this might actually work. She shuffled again, rolling onto her side.Nope.Her eyes shot open and she sat upright,
quickly. With a deep, slow breath, she stood and moved back toward the kitchen. She needed something in her stomach, and fast. She picked up the hotel telephone, pressing the call button for concierge and holding the piece to her ear."Good morning, Mister Castle. Thank you for calling reception, how may I help you?" Maurice's voice sung through the speaker."Hi, Maurice," she started."Oh, my apologies, Miss Beckett. How are you this morning?""Uh, good, thank you. I, uh, I was just wondering if there were any grocers or convenience stores close by that are open this early?""That would depend on what you were after. There is a little mini-mart, about three blocks away, but they do not usually carry a lot of variety.""I was just wanting some saltine crackers or something.""Oh, say no more. I will have some sent up to you right now.""Oh, uh, thank you.""Not a problem, Miss Beckett. Is there anything else I can help you with, at all?" She paused for a moment, considered... but no, she can't ask for that. Maurice must have sensed her hesitation. "Anything at all.
Can't do
is not in my vocabulary," he quipped with a smile she could feel through the phone."I don't want to be a nuisance-""Never. What can I do for you?"Ten minutes later there was a knock at the door."Good morning," Maurice greeted when she opened the door. He stepped aside, making way for two men to wheel in a large whiteboard, almost identical to the one she used at the precinct. She smiled as they set it in place and sat a small box - filled with markers, magnets and a whiteboard eraser - on the coffee table."This is perfect, thank you." She handed a cash tip to the two men as they walked out. It was probably
peanuts
compared to what Castle had been handing out, but still, it was something to show her appreciation."Also," He reached for the cart that was parked just outside the door. "Your crackers."He presented her with a small package of plain salted crackers, which she accepted gratefully. "You're amazing, Maurice."She would never admit it to Castle, but she was glad he had talked her into staying here with him."If you happened to be interested, my sister swears by cinnamon," he informed her. She looked at him, unsure. The subtext seemed clear, but maybe she was imagining it. It was a bold assumption. Her desperate need for saltine crackers at five o'clock in the morning didn't necessarily
mean
anything. She felt exposed. "You know, for
travel
sickness," he added, subtly alluding to the fact that he would be discreet about any admissions made.She hung her head, dropping the deer in the headlights expression and mustering a smile. "Thank you, I'll keep that in mind.""If you need anything else, please do not hesitate to ask. You are
not
a nuisance."She smiled warmly as he took his leave, closing the door behind him. She turned to face the whiteboard, taking a deep breath.It took her an hour to set up the makeshift murder board. An hour of planning, calling, following up... and nibbling on salted crackers to fight off the returning waves of nausea.Castle walked out of his room - sleepy eyes, messed hair, dazed facial expression. She couldn't help but smile. It was so...
cute, the way he tussled his hair and tried to take in his surroundings with barely-open eyes."Wow! Somebody's up early," he mused once he had adjusted to being awake."Good morning.""What, did you pack a murder board?" he asked, amused, walking over to join her."No: Maurice," she explained."Ah, he is amazing, isn't he?" He sat on the arm of the chair, waiting. She turned to him, smiled. "What? No rundown? It looks like you've had a very busy morning," he added."I'll let you wake up properly, first. Have some breakfast. No need to jump right in."Her relaxed, easy-going attitude had him stumped, to say the least, but he wouldn't argue. Knowing when to pace herself, when to slow down to avoid burnout, well it wasn't exactly her strength."Good idea. Need the right fuel to get through the day," he quipped, heading to the kitchen. "I can cook, or we can order room service, up to you.""Oh, uh, no thanks. Just you," she said, apologetically."Did you already eat?"She looked to the half-eaten packet of crackers, then back to Castle. "Uh, kind of."He followed the path her eyes took, noting the bland snack for the first time. "Are you not well?" he asked, concerned."I'm fine." She offered her best smile, tucking her fidgeting hands into the pockets of her jeans."Kate, If you
need
to rest-""I'm fine, Castle," she urged, growing irritated by his desire to coddle her. "Can you just have breakfast, please? We have work to do."He took a deep breath.
God, this woman was maddening.He grabbed the carton of eggs from the fridge, and a few of the fresh vegetables Maurice had organised for them yesterday, and placed them on the counter. Grabbing the instruments he needed, he began to make himself an omelette.She walked to the island counter, sitting at one of the stools and watching on as he worked. He was avoiding the usual chit-chat, but otherwise didn't seem
off. He didn't mention last night, the call, didn't seem tense about anything. Usually she would take that as a sign to just move past it, pretend it didn't happen. But she was actively trying to move away from old habits. So, reluctantly, she brought it up."I'm sorry about last night," she started, breaking the silence."We discussed why it wasn't a good idea. I told you, I'm happy to wait until we know for sure, if that will make you feel more certain about things. There's no need to apologise."She frowned, shook her head. "Not that."He halted his meal preparations, looked at her, confused. If not for that, then what?"The phone call," she explained."Oh, that." He moved his focus back to his breakfast. "Again, there's no need to apologise.""I don't even know why I answered..." her voice trailed off as she tried to think of her reasons. Reasons other than just wanting to hear his voice."Kate," his voice was low, questioning,
did she really not understand?
He searched her eyes for any sign of understanding. All he found was confusion. His heart broke for her. "Look at where we are, why we're here."Her stomach tightened, a painful twinge,
guilt. She didn't answer the call, and now Royce was dead. It was too late, she would never see him again, never hear his voice, never learn to forgive him for his mistakes. They will never
not
be estranged."No one can blame you for needing to answer that call last night," he added with a comforting smile. "I certainly don't."Her reasons - needing to hear his voice, know that he was okay - they didn't seem quite so pitiful now. "I didn't think of it like that," she confessed."You know, sometimes I
swear
you forget you're human, forget that you have
emotions
and
insecurities. All the awful human faults."She laughed. "Trust me, I don't forget. I just like to ignore them. It's been a real
winning
coping mechanism so far.""Yeah, I don't think that's ever blown up in your face before," he added, sarcastically, as he flipped his omelette.He tried to have more self control, to mind his own business and for once in his life, not pry. But the deep-in-thought expression that crossed her face had his brain whirling with the possibilities.His stomach clenched nervously as he risked his question: "Was he, uh, is everything okay?""Um, yeah." She leaned on the countertop, collecting her thoughts. "He had been drinking," she added."Oh." The statement hadn't clarified anything. Was he drunk, or just slightly buzzed? Was the call intentional, or had he dialled the familiar number out of habit? Was he relieved she answered, happy to hear her voice? Or was he mad, still processing their split? So many questions crowded his mind, but he knew better than to push."I have to go," she whispered after a few moments of silence. He was confused, had he pushed her too far with his question? "The smell," she explained."Right," he said, noting the rather strong aroma of egg and spice coming from the pan. "Sorry.""It's okay, Castle," she reassured him. "I think maybe I just need some fresh air."She gathered her things - phone, card, keys - and headed to the door."I'll have the place smelling like roses by the time you get back," he promised. She scrunched her nose, involuntarily grimaced at the thought. "Or, nothing. I'll have the place smelling like nothing at all. No possible triggers here, you have my word."She sighed, he was trying so hard. She paced toward him, powering through the sensation deep in her gut, and wrapped her arms around him. He held her tight, breathed her in, savoured the moment as long as she would allow."I'm sorry," she whispered against his chest. She pulled from his embrace, looking him in the eye. "I appreciate it. All of it, everything you're doing.
Thank
you."She pushed away from him, the need to get out becoming too much, and made a beeline for the door. She offered him one last smile, before leaving.He was surprised by how well she managed to hold herself together throughout the day. She must have been right - fresh air had done her a world of good. The end of this case being within reach was probably a contributing factor, too, if he was being honest. He knew he sure as hell felt better knowing what Ganz's plan was.He also felt a hell of a lot better now that she had let Seeger in. She wasn't alone, anymore. She had back up -
actual
back up with
actual
authority. Someone who could take the lead, keep her safe from - well -
herself. There was no need for her to be on the frontline anymore, no need for her to run headfirst toward the danger.But he could still see the fire in her eyes. She was close,
so close
to catching Ganz, to getting justice for Royce. She wasn't going to stand down now.The pier was crowded, unsurprisingly. That alone had Castle's stomach in knots. Ganz could be anywhere; he could easily blend into the crowd. Beckett's eyes scanned for him,
too focused, like tunnel vision. She was moving further and further away from the team, each extra inch of distance between them stirring the anxious pit in his stomach.He pushed his legs to move faster, breaking out into a jog to catch up with her."Beckett," he called, but she ignored him. "Beckett!"He reached out, grabbed her by the elbow and pulled her toward him. Her eyes stopped searching the sea of people surrounding them, seared into him instead."What?" she demanded. He had broken her focus, turned her anxiety into anger. He was in her way,
again. Why was he constantly in her way?"Beckett,
please," he begged. "Leave this to Seeger and his team."She looked...
hurt. Like he didn't think she was capable.
You're torn up
Montgomery had doubted her, too.
A little too eager, a little green
Even Ganz could see right through her act."I'm fine, Castle." She measured her voice. Swallowed the anger, tried to hide the uncertainty. "I can do this.""You don't
have
to," he urged. She stared into his eyes, considering his plea. "Please, let Seeger handle it.""I can't do that," she admitted. It broke her heart, the fact that she couldn't walk away from this. She knew she should, for him, for her and for this baby, but she couldn't.Seeger's voice broke through the tension. "We have eyes on the buyer," he informed them. "You ready?"She didn't break eye contact with Castle. She put everything she could into silently telling him that she was sorry,
so
sorry."Yeah, I'm ready," she said. She finally broke her eyes from his, moving quickly to back Seeger up.She had expected Castle to walk away. How many times could she do this to him, how many times could she let him down, disappoint him, before he would walk away and never come back? But as she rounded the van, he was by her side. When they cuffed the buyer, recovered the bullets, he was there.She wished that was enough. She so desperately wanted to be able to look at him and feel satisfied. But all she could think about was Ganz. Ganz was getting away; he had slipped through the cracks and Seeger didn't care.The shadow of a ghost caught her attention, shifted her focus to the stalls that lined the pier. Disappearing behind a popcorn vender, she couldn't believe her luck, was Ganz.Her feet lead her in his direction, as if acting of their own accord. She had no plan, her back up was otherwise occupied. This was reckless, and she knew it. But she wasn't about to let him out of her sight.She kept her distance, tried to remain unseen, but she could see the change in his demeanour. The change in the way he carried himself. He grew tense, paranoid. He could sense her. She reached for her gun, pulled it from the small of her back, where she had tucked it away in the waistband of her jeans. She kept her piece pressed to her thigh as she walked, trying not to draw attention from the crowd.He started to run and she was after him, before she had time to register. She still had no plan, and she was sure he knew that, the same way he knew she was a cop at the pool. Her legs were burning, pleading with her to stop, too tired for this. She was losing him, slipping through the cracks.He made a sharp turn, heading straight for the side of the pier. With ease, he launched himself over the side, disappearing from sight altogether. She could follow him over, stick the landing with ease. She is, after all, trained to do so. She's wearing reasonable shoes and the landing below is soft sand. Instead, she stops. She leans over the guardrail and watches as he gets away.She couldn't breathe.But she had back up, thanks to Castle. She can hear them. Through the constant hum of noise, the voices, the fun, she can hear Castle's voice calling out her name. It's the push she needed, the motivation to fight her body's fatigue. She pushes off the railing, running down the length of the pier until she is on the beach. She doubled back, ran toward where she last saw Ganz. She heard the gunshot echo through the air and fear filled her chest."Castle!" she called as she pushed her legs to move faster, faster. She can see them, the uniformed LAPD officers surrounding the body. "Castle!""Kate," he called out, running toward her.Seeger pulled Ganz from the ground, cuffed him and lead him away. It was done, she could put this to rest."I thought you were going to jump," he quietly confessed."So did I.""Are you okay?"Not even close, but she was getting there. "Yeah."
May 5, 2011
An hour into their flight, Castle was fast asleep. She couldn't blame him - he had been up all night, checking in on her, comforting her through waves of nausea and melancholy. His body was crashing after a long few days of having to be on high alert, of having to constantly be worrying about her.She pulled Royce's letter from her pocket, reading over it again. And again, and again.
If only...If only Royce could see how horrible his timing was. How, if he had worked up the courage to send this letter just two months earlier, maybe he could have saved them from the heartache they were experiencing now. She knew it wasn't that simple, though.She didn't want to be scared, but she just couldn't fight off this fear. She tucked the letter away, resting her head on his shoulder and closing her eyes.She just wanted to go home.
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
May 6, 2011
She sent Josh a text last night. Late, purposefully, knowing that at that hour he would either be asleep, or working the late shift. Either way, she knew she wouldn't have to deal with his response until morning. She typed it out three times - no,
four
times - before finally working up the courage to send it. She understood now why his phone call had come after a few drinks.The message was vague, just letting him know that she was back in town, as she had promised to do. The ball was in his court now. If he was serious about what he had said, he could reply. And if he wasn't, then he could simply ignore her message. Whatever he chose, she would accept. But if he
did
choose to reach out, she had decided that it was time. She would tell him about their...
situation.Before she dealt with that, however, there was something else she had to do,
someone
else she had to see. She had been avoiding him for the past few weeks, their monthly catch-up
well
overdue. It was time.She pressed her phone to her ear, listening as the line rang out, no answer. She hung up without leaving a message, a big part of her relieved the call hadn't gone through. Her relief was short-lived, however, when her phone began to buzz almost immediately. She took a deep breath, answered the call."Hey, Dad," she greeted, softly."Katie." The man's voice filled her with a welcomed sense of calm. "Sorry, I missed your call. Is everything alright?""Yeah," she hesitated. "What are your plans for today?"He cleared his morning for her. Not that he had anything important planned, nothing that couldn't be postponed or rescheduled. Even if they couldn't, he would cancel any plans for his daughter.He arrived at her apartment just after 8am, with coffees and breakfast burgers. He didn't know the protocol for this, he didn't know what he would be walking in to. All he knew is that his daughter - his fearless,
tackle the problem head on and never look back
daughter - had broken down in tears, unable to speak to him. For the first time in years, he wasn't a safe place for her to unburden herself. That only seemed to feed his concern. His heart broke.They ate in silence, tentatively dancing around the giant pink elephant in the room: her puffy, bloodshot eyes, the occasional sniffle and
hiccup
in her breath that highlighted the fact that she had spent the majority of her morning in tears.To be more accurate,
he
ate in silence. She mostly just picked apart the burger, taking the occasional nibble and swallowing it down with a gulp of coffee.She had missed
real
coffee... even if it did taste slightly
off. It was still better than decaf."Is there anything I can do?" he asked, still unaware of what exactly the problem was. He just knew that he couldn't sit there in silence any longer.She shook her head, no. "I'm just... working things out.""Does that have to be done in solitude?" he asked. He knew his daughter needed space, time, distance. That was her method, that's how she got through things. But she looked so
broken. He just wanted to make everything okay again.She sniffled, combed her fingers through her hair, moving it off her face. "I broke up with Josh," she compromised. A small insight into her life, without delving in too far. She had asked him to come to her, asked him to
comfort
her. The least she could do was offer him
something.She wished all this came easier to her. Easier to them. She wished she knew how to say
I'm not ready, but sooner or later I'll need you. Will you be there?He took a moment to contemplate this new information, deciphering what she had meant by the tidbit. Was the break up the cause of her emotional state? Or had it been a reaction to whatever war was raging in her head? It wouldn't surprise him, if she was running. No, that wouldn't be anything new."I'm sorry to hear that." He placed his hand atop hers, calming the anxious twitch of her fingers. "Are you... are you working through your grief?"She scoffed, pulled her hand from his. "I don't need a therapist, Dad. If I
did, I'd talk to someone a little more qualified." She rose from her seat at the table, gathered the remnants of her burger and stormed to the kitchen. She tossed the scraps of food into the trash can. Regret instantly filled her core. She could feel it sinking, settling in. She closed her eyes, took a deep breath, regained herself.Jim leant back in his seat, crossing his arms over his chest. "Feel better?" he asked with an amused smirk. Flashes of his teenaged daughter were darting through his mind: a wildly frustrated girl, trying desperately to regain control of her emotions. If it weren't for the tired lines under his daughter's eyes, he could have sworn he had found himself fifteen years in the past.She turned to him, puffed air through her nose. "A little," she relented. She returned to the dining table, settling onto the seat with a huff. "I've had a lot going on. So,
no, I haven't really been dealing with anything. But I'm doing that now. I'm stepping out of denial and into acceptance.""I think you're missing a few steps there, Katie.""Mm," she forced, gruffly. "Probably.""So, what's been keeping you from dealing with this?" he pushed."Bigger problems." She remained aloof, readying herself to face the truth. She picked at her nail beds, trying to avoid her father's heavy gaze. "I don't want to disappoint you," she eventually confessed."What makes you think I would
ever
be disappointed in you?" he asked sincerely. He studied her face, waited for her response. Her bottom lip trembled, another crack in the façade she had barely managed to hold together. "Katie, if you're in trouble-""I'm not in trouble," she reassured him. "It's nothing that I won't eventually figure out. I just... I don't really want to talk about it. I just wanted to see you.""Okay," he conceded. "I'm here when you're ready, though. You know that, don't you?"She remembered why she wasn't good at this. Why she couldn't just say
I'm not ready, but sooner or later I'll need you. Will you be there? It was because she never had to ask. He just knew. He was just...
there. Always.She smiled, a sense of security seeping in through the cracks. Things may have been a mess right now, but she wasn't alone. He would never allow for her to be left
alone. "I know. Thank you."
May 7, 2011
She stood on the curb, staring at the little café in front of her. Josh had replied to her text, had asked her to meet him here at 10am. It was 9:48 and she had walked the block twice already.She knew that meeting for coffee was a bad idea. As soon as she ordered decaf - or tea, or
anything
other than her usual latte with a pump of vanilla - he would pick up on it. He would
know
something was different and he would ask questions. She couldn't control the conversation if he was asking too many questions. And she
needed
to remain in control of this conversation. She was losing it in too many other aspects of her life right now.She shifted nervously on her feet, knowing she would eventually have to work up the courage to go inside.
What if he was already here? What if he was right inside, seated by the window, watching her?
Her eyes frantically scanned the faces inside the café - the ones that weren't hidden by the sun's glare on the glass - for his face."You okay?" she heard from behind her. The voice pulled her from her internal panic.She turned to face the voice, to face Josh. She took a moment to absorb the sight in front of her: Josh, happy and healthy, not lying in an alleyway. She didn't realise how much she needed this, needed to see him, to know that he was okay. He had cut his hair shorter, and was sporting more stubble than usual, but he looked good. He looked like Josh,
her
Josh. Not the angry man from their last encounters together."Hi. Yes," she answered his question, finally. She knew she had been quiet for too long, had stared at him for too long. But he didn't comment on that, he just smiled. "It's pretty busy. Maybe we could go for a walk instead?" she offered.He looked down the road, toward Central Park, then back to her. "Sounds good," he said.She hung her head and began pacing her way toward the park, her stride matching the velocity of her thoughts."What's the rush?" he asked with a slight chuckle.She slowed her pace. "Right. Sorry."Once he reached her side, they began walking together at a more casual pace."How's work?" he asked after a few yards. "You said you were out of town?""Yeah, Los Angeles." She filled him in."Oh wow, far from home. How'd you end up there for work?"His question felt like a punch to her already bruised heart. The wound was still fresh,
too fresh. But when she looked up and met his eyes - like gold sheen obsidian - the pain seemed...
bearable."You remember Royce?" she asked, not expecting him to remember. Everything with Royce fell apart early on in their relationship, she really hadn't told him that much."Training officer, right?" he answered, surprising her. "I thought you had a falling out? Is he okay? Some sort of trouble?" Genuine concern filled his voice."Um, yeah, I guess you could say that." She pondered how much she should actually tell him, how much he
actually
cared. But he continued to watch her, as they walked. Continued to wait for her to talk, if she needed. "He was murdered, actually."He stopped, a hand on her arm. "I'm so sorry to hear that."She stopped walking, stopped by his touch, tears beginning to prickle her eyes. She swallowed the lump forming in her throat. It still seemed like a bad dream.
Royce is gone..."You catch the guy?"She smiled. He considered that a small win. "Yeah. Yeah, we did."The 'we' was a slip. A slip of the tongue that coiled her stomach tight and sent a bolt of anxiety straight to her chest. She looked up at him, expecting some sort of reaction, but his smile returned."I'm glad."They entered the park, walking the path aimlessly, silently. Minutes passed without a single word uttered, but it was comfortable."I'm sorry for calling you like that," he started, breaking the silence. "I was at a friend's birthday dinner and obviously had a few too many.""That's okay," she smiled. "It was good to hear from you, actually. It came at a good time, given what I was in the midst of.""Right."She saw this moment as her segue, her laneway to the conversation that
needed
to be had."Royce and I weren't on good terms," she started. "And now that he's gone, knowing that we will never have the opportunity to fix what was damaged...
it sucks.""You think you have all the time in the world," he mused."No one does," she muttered under her breath.
No one does. She stopped walking, turning her body to face his. She looked at him, eyes bright with emotion, with unshed tears she was fighting to keep at bay. "I'm
so
sorry, Josh."He turned to face her, mirroring her own stance, giving her his undivided attention."I never meant to do that to you. I never meant to hurt you like that. I know it probably doesn't matter but I thought we were done. When you left... it felt-" she stopped herself before her emotions rose too close to the surface. She took a deep breath, allowed herself to continue. "If I thought there was any chance you were coming back, I wouldn't have done what I did.""I know," he acknowledged. "I saw it on your face, when you saw me at your apartment. I know you felt horrible about what happened." He paused, allowed a moment for her to process his words before he continued. "I forgive you."Her first instinct was that this was a joke. Some cruel joke. "You do?""You made a mistake," he justified."I-" she stopped talking, looked to the ground, tried to process the thoughts that swirled around her mind. That is, after all, exactly what this was... wasn't it? A mistake? She had thought that, herself. Running to Castle so quickly, when the dust hadn't settled yet. But she couldn't deny that she had feelings for Castle. Strong feelings, that only seemed to be strengthened by this 'mistake'.But Josh forgave her. Isn't that what she wanted? His forgiveness?She could feel him crowding her space, he was so close she could feel him. She looked up to him and he leaned in, kissing her.Shock surged through her like a bolt of electricity. His hand to her face, his lips against hers, it just felt...
deceptive. There was so much he didn't know, that he
needed
to know. She should have stopped this
before
it happened. But there was a familiarity there, a comfort in his lips, in his touch.She needed to tell him about the baby, that's why she was here, after all. Slowly, he began to pull away, her hesitation shaking his confidence. It was time...... but she wasn't ready.
Not yet. And so she did the one thing she
shouldn't
have done.She chased his lips as they pulled away, crashing into them with an urgency she hadn't felt before.Her mind cried out, loud and piercing:
stop.Fingers tangled through her hair as she ignored the thoughts of Castle that emerged in the chaos.He forgave her, but she knew that forgiveness would be conditional. And she was ready to give it up, not just yet.
So much for remaining in control...
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
8 May, 2011 (7w4d)
His fingers tangled through her hair, pulling her to him with just the right amount of force. His tongue danced with hers, choreographed to perfection. Hands slid down her body, under her shirt, grazed her ribs.
"Josh..." her voice was lost as he pressed his lips to hers again. She was weak, pathetically weak.
She didn't want this, and yet she just couldn't stop. Couldn't walk away from him.
"I'm sorry, I can't do this," she pleaded, trying to pull away from his grasp.
His touch, his taste, his scent - everything she used to call home - was growing unfamiliar. Warm lips turned cold, gentle hands started to bruise and break her delicate skin. His eyes were as dark as coal - pained and filled with hatred.
"I'm not some toy that you can keep up on a shelf, only playing with me when your life is falling apart."
"I never meant to hurt you," she explained.
He laughed. "Is that what you tell Castle, too?"
She had no response, no defence.
"You don't love us. You don't care about us. If you did, you wouldn't be doing this."
She choked on her grief, tears spilling uncontrollably from her eyes. "I'm sorry," she wept.
"No, you're not." The voice came from behind her.
"Castle..."
"You're not sorry. You keep doing this, keep using us, keep putting your own selfish needs before what's right for us." His voice was void of all emotion. Cold, lifeless.
She had destroyed him.
"Did you tell him about the baby?" Castle asked.
She froze, fear filling her entirely.
"Baby?" Josh's voice broke. Silence fell over them, deafeningly loud. She should have told him when she had the chance. He shouldn't be finding out like this.
Laughter broke through the silence. Contemptuous, taunting laughter.
"You're going to be a mother? You?"
His laughter bellowed, vibrating through her.
"You're not fit to be a mother," he stated.
"That poor kid, right?" Castle added.
She woke drenched in sweat, heart racing manically. Her sheets tangled around her legs from her constant tossing and turning. She kicked, trying to free herself, but she only became more entwined with the bedding.She couldn't breathe. It felt like there wasn't enough air in the room, each breath only half as effective as it needed to be. She focused on the orange peel texture of the ceiling, counting the divots as she slowed her breathing.One hundred and thirty-eight. One hundred and thirty-eight divots counted before her internal storm retreated. Her lungs filled with air; her legs slipped effortlessly from their material trap. Everything just...
eased. Everything but the pain in her heart and the heavy weight of guilt in her stomach.She sat upright, pulling her knees to her chest. The room was already filling with the vibrant gold glow of morning sun. She pulled her phone from the nightstand, checking the time. 05:43am - the first full night of sleep she'd had in weeks, and it was interrupted by a stupid nightmare.She groaned, rubbing her eyes to try and rid herself of the last traces of slumber. She had to pull herself together, had to sort her life out before it completely turned to rubble. She had to stop making stupid mistakes, one after the other, as if she were immune to the consequences. As if those
around her
were immune to the consequences.She moved her attention back to her phone, tapped her fingers on its edges, hesitantly. In all honesty, she didn't even know where to start.She opened her text messages, scrolled through the last few work-related text threads until she found the name she wanted. She opened the thread and began to type.
Hey, can we talk later? Please?
She pressed send and tossed the phone onto the bed beside her, expecting that - at this time of morning - she wouldn't get an answer anytime soon. She was surprised when her message tone chimed almost instantly.She picked the phone up again, checking the screen.
Good morning.
She brought the phone closer, brow furrowed as she examined it. Another message appeared.
Hey, how crazy was that!
She smiled, realising that they had sent each other a text at the same time. It was nice to know that he was thinking of her, too.She crossed her legs, straightened her posture, hit the
call now
icon beside his name. Phone pressed to her ear, the ringing that echoed through the speaker ignited the flutter of a million butterfly wings deep within her."If you wanted to hear my sultry morning voice, Beckett, all you had to do was ask," he said, answering the call.She smiled, resisted the urge to laugh. "I'll keep that in mind for next time, Castle.""Maybe next time you won't have to call."He didn't finish that thought, but they both knew what he meant.
Maybe next time you'll be here, waking up next to me. The thought reeked of hopefulness, of optimism, but she wouldn't deny that it was tempting."Why are you awake so early?" she asked, changing the subject.He didn't seem to mind. "Mother is on a juice cleanse. I'll be waking to the melodic sounds of a blender every morning at 5am for the next two weeks. Lucky me."She leaned back into her pillows, placed a hand over her stomach as the waves she had been waiting on began to roll through."Will you be cleansing with her again?" she asked, trying to ignore the onset of nausea. She closed her eyes, placed her forearm across her face and took slow, deep breaths.
In through the nose, out through the mouth."Uh, no. I learned my lesson last time."She smiled at the memory of Castle trying to stomach the thick, murky, moss-green liquid with poise. He ended up gagging, choking and spitting most of his mouthful across the kitchen counter and onto his mother."Me and juice cleanses
do not
mix.""At least you gave it a try," she added.The nausea wasn't subsiding, her breathing techniques only seemed to antagonise the waves. She sat upright once more, readying herself for the inevitable dash to the bathroom."Castle, I'm going to have to go," she said between measured breaths."You wanted to talk about something..." he reminded her. She could hear the hesitation in his voice, still trying not to push her
too
much."I do. I just-" She stopped, swallowed down the rise of bile in her throat. A deep breath: in through the nose, out through the mouth. "I can't talk right now, sorry. This afternoon. I promise."She couldn't wait for his response, didn't have time. She ended the call, tossed the phone to the side and pushed herself from bed as quickly as possible.She sprinted the already worn-out path from her bed to the toilet, dropping to her knees on the cold, hard tiles. Her abdominal muscles already ached from the irregular bursts of straining and tightening over the past few days so it didn't take long for the tears to form in her eyes.She wiped her mouth with the back of her hand, inhaled deeply. The air burned her damaged oesophagus, prickled at the sides of her throat. She swallowed the painful, dry lump, but it didn't disappear.Sunday brunch was a luxury they indulged in as often as possible. With their work schedules - weekends, late nights and early mornings being a regular part of their roster - it usually only happened once every few months. More often than not it was just Kate and Lanie, but occasionally they could convince the boys to tag along. Ryan was an easy sell - Jenny loved being included as a part of the precinct family - and once he was in, Esposito would soon follow.Today it was just the two of them. A much-needed girls' day. They sat on Lanie's couch, each curled up in a corner sipping orange juice and picking at a tray of fresh fruit."You're looking better today," Lanie commented. Her friend's run-down appearance - the lack of colour in her face, the bags under her eyes - was starting to concern her. It was nice to see her with more energy and a touch of pink in her cheeks."I'm
feeling
better. A little nauseous earlier this morning, but I actually slept last night so that's helped.""Didn't get much sleep out in LA with Writer Boy?" Lanie asked suggestively, raising her brows to highlight her amusement.Kate shot her a warning glare. She couldn't get into that right now, how desperately she had wanted him...
needed
him. And how royally she had messed it all up since then."Wasted opportunity," Lanie added with a shrug."I was there to solve a murder, Lanie," she reminded her friend. "Besides, I have a lot of mess to clean up before I can go down that road.""You still haven't told Josh?"Kate shook her head. It looked like she was getting into it, whether she wanted to or not. "I saw him yesterday," she divulged.Lanie sat up, shuffled slightly toward the edge of the couch, intrigued."I was going to tell him." The apologetic tone of Kate's voice was enough to tell Lanie that something had gone awry."What happened?" she sighed. Her friend was spiralling, so dangerously close to the cliff's edge."He told me he forgave me.""And then..." she urged for more. Forgiveness was good. Forgiveness
should
have made telling him easier. She knew there was more to this story."And then he kissed me."And there it was. The
more
that she knew was coming. The added complication, because nothing could
ever
just be straightforward."So, you stopped him and told him that you were trying to work things out with Castle," she said, knowing that this was more than likely
not
the case.Kate didn't say a word."Right?" Lanie urged.Her friend's eyes darted to the floor, avoiding her."Kate!" She was exasperated. It never ceased to amaze her how someone who always seemed so in control of things managed to let everything spiral so spectacularly
out
of control."I'm a horrible person," Kate cried, hiding her face in her hands.Lanie rolled her eyes; she wouldn't give in to Kate's insecurities just yet, she needed to know more. "What happened next?""Well,
eventually
my brain started working again and I pulled away. I told him I needed time.""Time? For what?"Kate just shrugged. A lame, weak attempt of a shrug at that. "I don't know."Lanie couldn't hide her frustration, not that she had tried. "You're juggling two guys. And for what reason?"Because I'm pregnant and one of them is the father.
That seemed like a perfectly logical reason to Kate."I'm not
juggling
two guys. I don't
have
either guy," she argued."You're just keeping them in limbo. It's not right, Kate."She knew it wasn't right. Her subconscious had
screamed
its wrongness in the early hours of the morning, taunting her with menacing depictions of how this would end."You told me, in your own words, completely unprompted, that you didn't think you ever loved Josh," Lanie continued. "So why are you kissing him?""I didn't mean for that to happen," Kate pleaded her case, but the jury wasn't buying it."Yeah, you keep saying that.""He
kissed
me
first," she insisted."He
is missing a very vital bit of information here, Kate. You can't put the blame on him."The truth hit like a bomb, shattered her defences and knocked her off balance. She buried her face in her hands again. "I know. I know, you're right.""So, what are you gonna do about it?" Lanie asked.Kate hung her head back against the couch, shutting her eyes and taking a deep breath. She had no idea what she was going to do about it..."Any suggestions?""I would like to take the opportunity to remind you that I love you and I support you. You know that." She placed her hand on Kate's knee, a comforting gesture. "I just think you need to seriously think about what
you
want. Pretend this baby doesn't exist, just for a moment. Who do you want?""I can't just pretend the baby doesn't exist. Because it does. And I can't do this alone, Lanie."Alone... something everyone feared on
some
level.Lanie eased the firmness of her voice. "I thought you said Castle was in, no matter what.""He
says
he is.""But...?" Her voice trailed off, allowing Kate the opportunity to speak up with her reasons behind not trusting Castle's word, but she didn't. "Has he given you any reason to doubt his intentions?""I'm the only one thinking logically here. He's not going to want to raise another man's baby."Lanie laughed. She didn't mean to, didn't intend to fuel the fire in her friend, but it slipped through. "Girl, I'm sorry but you are
far
from thinking logically.""I'm being practical," Kate defended."By keeping Josh on standby, just in case?"Kate's head rolled along the back of the couch, pressing her cheek to her shoulder. "Don't say it like that, that sounds horrible.""I'm sorry, Kate," Lanie said, trying to be as gentle as possible. "It
is
horrible."Kate pulled herself upright, shuffling in toward her friend. "It's not like that though. There was something there. When I saw him, it was-""Familiar?" Lanie interrupted. "That's all it is. So much is changing right now and you're clinging to what you
know. That doesn't mean that's what's right."Lanie's words only echoed Kate's innermost thoughts. She could try to justify her actions, reason to herself that she was going through the motions of dealing with things, but she knew it wasn't true. She was scared, and acting out. She was keeping her options open by dangling hope in front of two men who deserved so much more than this. So much more than the half-truths and indecisiveness she was offering."You got your fingers on that self-destruct button again," Lanie said, bringing Kate from her thoughts. "Have you talked to your doctor about your
history?"She didn't have to say the words, Kate knew what she meant: the years-long battle with depression after her mother died."I haven't had any issues in years.""You haven't
needed medication
in years," she corrected. "You are a mess of issues, girl. I say that with love. But, just because you've been managing doesn't mean you're cured. You have a crazy amount of hormones rushing through your body, you're going through a very stressful and confusing time. I just think you should be having these conversations with someone.""I'm having them with you." Kate forced a smile."Someone who can
actually
help you."The smile faded as quickly as it appeared. "You think I'm slipping?""I want you to be ready, just in case you do.""I'm ready," she assured. "I know the signs. I'm fine.""The signs like unnecessarily risky behaviour? Withdrawing?""How am I withdrawing?""Have you talked to anyone about the baby? Other than me, I mean? I'm sure Maddy would love to talk babies with you."She looked at Lanie, confused. Why would she talk to Maddy about it? What was there to say? "No.""I'm not trying to tell you how to handle this. I just feel like you're
not
handling it.""I am." She stood, the need for movement became too much. She tried to hide the anxious twitch in her legs, pacing the space in front of the couch."You're not." Lanie stood her ground. "You're acting like everything is fine, like nothing has changed. It's like you don't even want to acknowledge that you're pregnant.""I've acknowledged it. I've told-""Me and Castle?" Lanie rose from the couch, trying to rejoin Kate's level. "You only told
me
because you had an emotional breakdown and you only told Castle because he was about to walk away."Kate clenched her jaw, ground her teeth. "I get it. You can call off the attack dogs now."But Lanie persisted. "Have you told your dad, yet? You
know
he's going to be excited to be a grandfather. What about Montgomery? Should you even be working still? It doesn't seem safe.""It's fine," Kate snapped. "I know my limitations.""Okay. Where exactly does flying across the country to chase after a ruthless killer
without backup
fall within your
limitations?"
Unnecessarily risky behaviour...
"I had back up.""Castle?" Lanie couldn't believe her friend was this stubborn. "Why do you think he was there, Kate? He was trying to stop you from doing something stupid.""He
was trying to stop
me
from doing something stupid?" The idea was laughable."Yeah, let that sink in."She took a deep breath, irritated.
Damn...
"Just... consider talking to someone," Lanie pleaded.Kate swallowed her pride. "Okay."She had spent almost twenty minutes trying to get comfortable. All she wanted was to watch a movie, but her nausea had returned with a vengeance.Being vertical just wasn't going to work for her, not with gravity pulling on the pit of guilt and shame in her stomach. Horizontal came with its own problems, though. Laying on her stomach only intensified the nausea, laying on her side gave her a dizzying feeling of being off balance and laying on her back highlighted the age of her couch, a broken spring in the base digging through the cushions. But, at least she didn't want to throw up. So, she chose discomfort over nausea.She had given up on the movie at this point, resting her forearm across shut eyes to block out some of the daylight.A knock on her door felt like the straw on the camel's back. She groaned, considered ignoring it, but eventually pulled herself up.She looked through the peephole in the door, eyeing an awkward looking teen boy holding a paper bag. She opened the door."Hi, can I help you?" she questioned."Just delivering your order." The boy smiled, holding up the paper bag."I didn't order anything," she informed him.He looked confused, checked the number on her door and then the little piece of paper that was attached to the bag."This is the right address," he said, still reading whatever was scrawled on the paper. "Oh, it's a gift. For... Kate?" He looked back up to her and smiled, holding out the bag once more.She took it from him, hesitantly."Have a great evening, ma'am.""Thank you," she said as he walked away.She shut the door and walked to the kitchen, setting the bag down on the bench. She tugged the paper until it came off the paper bag, bringing it closer to read.
Kate,
As much as I hate to endorse juice cleanses, this juice has pulled me through many regretful mornings after partying a little too hard. I practically owned shares in the company in my twenties. It tastes awful, but I swear it helps.
She smiled, placed the note down and pulled the bottle from the bag. TOC: the original cleanse, ginger and cinnamon.She pulled a glass from her cabinet, cracked the seal of the bottle and poured out a small amount - just a mouthful or two, not wanting to risk too much and causing another upheaval of her stomach contents. She brought the cup to her face, smelling it. Regret instantly filled her, her stomach clenching as she gagged.
It was the thought that counts, right?
She went to discard the contents of the glass in the sink, when she remembered Maurice's advice:
my sister swears by cinnamon.Slowly, she brought the glass back up, sipping cautiously. Castle was right to forewarn her, it tasted disgusting. She swallowed, waiting for the gag, waiting for the abdominal clench, but it never came. She took a breath, tested another small sip. Again, her stomach did not react.She put the cap back on the bottle and placed it in the fridge, somewhere handy for when she needed it.Once again, Castle came through for her.
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
May 8, 2011
Castle sat by the door, back pressed against the wall, waiting. This experience was...
new. Not something he was entirely comfortable with, because he felt so
helpless."You okay in there?" he called over his shoulder after a few minutes of silence."Mmhmm," he heard uttered meekly, followed by a strong heaving. The sound made his stomach churn, and he wasn't certain that he wouldn't end up going out in sympathy with her.She had barely made it into the loft before the nausea became too much and sent her running in the direction of the closest available bathroom, his en suite.That was almost fifteen minutes ago, now.Another few minutes passed before he heard the flushing of the toilet and the sounds of the faucet running. Relief filled him,
it's over now.The door beside him opened and she stepped out, looking down at his figure slumped against the wall. He smiled up at her, held out the spare toothbrush he had grabbed from the upstairs bathroom while she was...
otherwise occupied."Thank you," she said, grabbing the brush and walking back into the en suite."Feel any better?" he asked when she walked back out again."Much." Kate held out her hand, helped him to his feet. "Thank you."Her heart skipped a beat when he didn't release his grasp of her hand, when he linked his pinky finger around hers, instead. Such a small act, but it felt monumental.Now that she wasn't hyper focused on her breathing, on trying not to throw up before she reached the bathroom, she took a moment to take in her surroundings, pulling away from him to wander through his space."Thanks for the juice," she said as she took in the artwork on his bedroom wall.A lion and an elephant. Strength, ferocity, intelligence.
Fitting artwork for the writer, she thought.She hadn't paid much attention the last - and only - time she was here, too caught up in
herself
to really take it all in."Doesn't seem to be helping," Castle noted. She could feel his eyes on her, watching as she took in the details of his space. She knew that he loved when her curious side crept through."It did help. I only had a little bit." She pulled her attention from the photographs on the wall, looked him in the eye and offered him a small, genuine smile. "It helped," she assured him."Why are you here, Kate?" Castle asked her after allowing her another few minutes of mental note taking. "Not that I'm not happy to see you. Just... when we talked this afternoon, you said you had some thinking to do. It was very...
ominous.""Sorry about that. I wasn't
trying
to be cryptic, I just-" she took a breath, considered her next words. "It has been pointed out to me that maybe I should think a little more about things before I do them."Castle smiled, lost in his thoughts. She wished she knew exactly what he was thinking, but she was pretty sure she knew the general gist."I see you don't disagree," she added."I'm not exactly the poster boy for well thought out actions."She smiled, repressed a laugh. No, neither one of them were shining examples of good decision making.Her smile faded into a tight line."I saw Josh yesterday.""Oh yeah? How did that go?"Did you tell him?
She could see the question forming on his lips, but he didn't say it.She took a deep breath. She didn't want to have this conversation."You don't have to tell me," he said.
Insisted, even. "Whatever happened, that's between you and Josh.""I'm sorry. When he called the other night, he said he wanted to see me. So, I figured now was as good a time as any to tell him but, I uh, I'm a coward.""You're not a coward," he protested."No." She shook her head. "I'm a coward, Castle. He kissed me, and I let him because I just didn't want him to hate me anymore.""Why are you telling me this? You don't have to, it's not like we are together. You made it clear you wanted to wait.""But since that conversation I've done things... I've done so many things that might have made you think I had changed my mind about that.""Is that why you're here? You've come to tell me that you've changed your mind altogether... that this is never going to happen?"She watched as he braced himself for the possibility, for the
yes. Stiffened shoulders, carefully masked expressions."No."She could see that he didn't quite trust her reassurances."Do you still love him?""Lanie thinks that I'm clinging to what I know," she justified, bypassing his question. "All I
know
is that I can't trust what I'm feeling right now."Castle shook his head. "It was one thing to wait around, through the ups and downs and confusion and processing when I thought that you were working toward trusting me, trusting that I was going to be there for you and the baby." He took a breath, remained measured in his response. "But I don't want to just stand by for you to decide that you never wanted
me, you just wanted an escape."His voice wavered.
An escape. Was that all he ever was?He paced toward the door, before turning back to face Kate."I don't want
us
to be something of circumstance. I don't want to be with you because you
might
be having my baby." He stepped closer to her, once again closing that distance. "I want to be with you because
I love you. I love you and I can love this baby, too, no matter what. Why isn't that enough? What else can I do to show you that I
mean
this?""This isn't on you, Castle. I'm not... I don't want to end this. I messed up, with Josh. I let things get out of hand and I'm so confused. I'm giving
you
the chance to walk away, because you sure as hell don't deserve this.""That's an excuse. You're not
trying.""I am," she promised, tearfully."Not hard enough."His words - spoken so softly in a voice so broken she barely recognised it - broke her heart into a million tiny pieces. She knew he deserved more, so much more, and the very real risk of losing him became all the more apparent."I have a long way to go in regard to dealing with this, to be
okay
with what the future holds for me," she explained. "I just want you to know that I
am
doing what needs to be done. I
am
going to... get
better. Because I can see it - I can see a future where this works, a future that could be everything I've ever wanted and... I
want
that, I do. But if I'm ever going to get there, I need to make changes, within myself. I just hope it isn't too late."She wanted an answer now, to know if he was taking this opportunity to walk away or not. But she knew she wouldn't get it. Not yet. She owed him so much, starting with a little time, patience and understanding, the very least of what he has offered her over these past weeks.She stepped forward, placed a hand over his right cheek and pressed her lips gently to his left."You deserve all the happiness in the world, Castle."
I hope one day I can give you that...
She showed herself out, cried on the drive home, reminded herself that this was only the beginning of their story, not the end. But she knew that was beyond her control now.He felt like he had paced a hole in his floor. Back and forth, past the shelves of books that lined his office, for over an hour.She had assured him, again and again, that her relationship with Josh was done. Over. Not going to be an issue. He had tried to school his reaction to their meeting up, to ignore the anxiousness that filled him just by
thinking
about her and Josh in the same room. He knew this was coming. He had
encouraged
it. But, after losing Royce, he knew that she was struggling with Josh's absence even more.His heart was racing a million miles ahead of his brain. That little progress, those small steps,
had he imagined them?No, he hadn't imagined them.
But since that conversation I've done things...
She had let him think that they were making progress, let him think that this
could
work. All while keeping Josh waiting by the side-lines. It was becoming clearer that, if this baby was Josh's, there was a real chance he would lose her. A real chance that she would choose Josh.Pacing wasn't helping, wasn't doing what it was
supposed
to. He had all this energy coursing through him - anxious, angry, uncontrollable - and the pacing just wasn't burning it off. He reached out, grabbed a book from the shelf and hurled it against the wall.
Much better...
But the satisfaction didn't last long. He wasn't this person, this angry, wreck of a person."Richard, what the hell is going on in here?" Martha asked as she entered the office, cautiously.He sighed, regret filled every fibre of him. "I'm sorry, Mother. Everything is fine," he reassured her.He rounded his desk, took a seat in his office chair, worked on calming the anger that boiled in his blood."You don't expect me to believe that, do you?"He looked at her, took in the concern that marred her face.
No, he didn't expect her to believe that."What happened with Katherine?" his mother asked, knowing exactly what would have him so riled up."She's all over the place.""She's hormonal," Martha countered."She's hiding," he returned, his anger rising again.Martha lowered herself into the armchair across from him, settling in for what could possibly be a lengthy conversation. "Hiding from what?"Castle shrugged. Him? Reality? The consequences of her decisions? There were so many things that Kate was hiding from."It's not supposed to be this hard," he said, staring at the wall across from his desk. Not
this
hard, not
this
soon."Nothing about this was ever going to be easy, kiddo. You knew that. You just have to ask yourself," she looked around the room, to the book on the floor, "is it worth it?""I thought it was," he said, portentously."Once the DNA is confirmed, things will get better," Martha stated as if it were a matter of fact and not mere optimism."I thought you were firmly on the 'run' side of the debate?" he asked."I am firmly on the 'whatever you decide, I will support' side," she clarified. "You care for Katherine, that much is obvious. And under any other circumstances I would have been thrilled that you were...
connecting.""I don't feel very
connected..." he sulked. "I want to be with her. I know that we can figure this out. But if she isn't going to trust that, if she is always going to stay guarded, stay one foot out the door, then I can't keep putting myself through that.""Katherine's hesitation changes things..." Her voice trailed off."I guess it does," he sighed. "She thinks I should take a step back, rethink my commitment."He leant forward, elbows digging into his thighs, head buried in his hands. He was deflated, both physically and emotionally. Long gone was the version of him who would say
love conquers all
and run head first into the battle with his heart on his sleeve."Maybe her giving you the chance to step back is a
good
thing? Maybe you both just need a little more time to think things over.""Why do I feel like it's her running, but trying to turn it around onto me and make me seem like the one who is running?"Martha raised an eyebrow. "It seems she isn't the only one having trouble trusting intentions."He shot his mother a glare; he hated when she was right."I'm just saying," she excused, tossing her hands in the air defensively."She said that she can see the future she wants, that it's within reach, but she has changes she needs to make, and she hopes it's not too late.""That sounds optimistic.""The last thing I need is more misguided optimism." He sat back in his chair, hung his head against the back of it. "I think I'm just going to go to bed. I'm tired."He was dismissing her. There was nothing his mother could say that would make this any easier, but it was nice to know that she was here for him.Martha rose from her perch on the armchair, walked over to him and placed a hand on his shoulder, reassuring, affirmative. He's not alone in this.Castle smiled, thankful for his family."Goodnight, Richard," she said as she walked toward the door. She stopped, just short of exiting, and turned back to him. "Tomorrow is a new day."
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
9 May, 2011
He tried to sleep, he really did. Tried to put this, put
her, out of his mind. It frustrated him to no end that he couldn't seem to think of anything else.He was angry. Beyond angry. He was offering her everything she could ever want or need,
and more. He would travel to the ends of the Earth for her, love and care for her, provide for a baby that might not even be his,
for her. But that just wasn't enough.But the part that angered him the most was that he couldn't accept that it was best to just walk away. He couldn't accept that there
can be
happiness without her. It might be difficult at first. He would have to give up Nikki Heat, give up the precinct, his friendships with everyone there, possibly even the city he'd always called home. But he could do it. He could move on, be
happy
in a new life without her. A life that she hadn't touched, tainted, darkened.But he didn't want that. He would never want that. Sometimes he really hated his stubborn heart.Twelve hours had passed. Twelve hours and maybe,
maybe
a combined total of four hours of that had been spent sleeping. As soon as the sound from that first morning traffic rush started to drift through his open window, he gave up on the idea of getting anything more than that.He pulled himself from bed and trudged to the kitchen, turning on the coffee machine. He moved aimlessly around the kitchen, checking the pantry and the fridge for a snack, but nothing appealed to him.He grabbed his laptop from the dining table, where he had left it last night. He propped it open on the countertop, pushed the power button and moved back to the coffee machine to make his beverage while the device whirred into action.If he couldn't get Kate off of his mind, he was at least going to make it beneficial, turning his thoughts of her into thoughts of Nikki.Kate arrived to the V.B Tower Hotel. Ryan and Esposito were first to arrive, which allowed her a little more time to gather herself before work.She had barely slept: tossing and turning, the urge to call Castle growing stronger as each hour passed. She wanted to call him and beg him not to give up on her, on
them. To tell him that she was sorry for everything she had put him through. That she was ready.In all honesty, when she gave him the chance to walk away, she had expected him to shut that down instantly. To tell her he wouldn't walk away, he would
never
leave her alone in this. Because he was the forgiver: always had been, and she thought he always
would
be. But when he didn't say anything, didn't offer her any sort of reassurances, she knew she had pushed him too far, taken him for granted. She knew that she was closer to the edge of that cliff than she had realised.She was so close to losing him, possibly already had. And she was terrified.She entered the theatre, scanned her surroundings, readied herself to dive into another case. She was still processing the loss of Royce, still raw, unhealed."No Castle?" Esposito asked as he and Ryan approached her.She offered a small smile. "Not today."The boys looked at each other, concerned."It's fine, guys," she reassured them."Shame he's not here. Castle would have
loved
this one," Esposito said.Her interest piqued, what was so special about
this
case? "Oh yeah?""Our victim," Ryan continued, "is a beauty pageant contestant."Her eyes lit up with an idea. "You're right, Castle
would
love this."She knew that she should give him space, but she desperately wanted to cling to him in any way she could. If she could appeal to him via an intriguing case, it was worth a shot. She looked around the room, taking in the scene again and weighing up her options."Techs are just getting started," Ryan mentioned, seemingly reading her mind. The words he didn't speak were clear:
there's still plenty of time to call Castle in."I'll be back," she said, turning to exit the theatre.A few steps out the door, she pulled her phone from her pocket and dialled his number. She prepared herself for the very likely possibility that he won't answer, tried to ease that pain
before
it was inflicted. But when she heard the
click
of the line connecting, her heart skipped a beat, filled with possibility."Castle," he answered, upbeat."Hey." She took a breath, tried to calm her nerves, brace for possible rejection. Trying to remain as casual as possible, she mustered her confidence and asked: "You coming to work today?"He arrived at the scene in under twenty minutes. That
had
to be a record. She met him by the curb, had been anxiously standing there, waiting, for the past few minutes. When he jumped out of the taxicab with such enthusiasm, she couldn't help but smile."Hey," she greeted as he walked toward her."Hey," he replied, with a smile. "I didn't expect you to call.""I didn't expect you to answer.""Alexis," he offered as an explanation. "She's...
simmering. I didn't want her to think-""I get it," she interrupted. He didn't have to explain, she really
did
get it. Alexis had remained mad at her since their last falling out, if the girl was finally coming around, finally warming up to her again, she understood why Castle wouldn't want to let on that things were tense, again. That Kate had
hurt him, again.But his confession told her two things, two
heart breaking
things.One: that she had put him in a position where he felt he had to hide his feelings from his family.And two: that his enthusiasm for being here wasn't genuine."You didn't have to come," she said, offering him an out, a chance to leave."Are you kidding? A murder in the theatre of the V.B Tower Hotel? Victor Baron's place!" He summoned the enthusiasm from earlier, reassuring her that he
did
want to be here. ""It's not the Baron, is it?"She didn't want it to be awkward, so she dove right into the case. She was just glad he showed up. She started walking toward the theatre and Castle followed her lead."No," she answered. "But you won't be disappointed. This one's right up your alley.""Why's that?""Because our victim is a contestant."His jaw dropped,
beautifully theatrical. "Death of a beauty queen.
Scandalous."She could tell he was putting a lot of energy into being okay. They both were. They had a long way to go, but she had faith that a case, that working together, would help them. Distance, time, space... all the things she would usually rely on, they weren't going to help her this time."Is that America's dad, Bobby Stark?" he asked as they entered the crime scene. "What's he doing here?""He's the pageant host," she explained. "Oh, please don't tell me that you watch his sitcom.""Family Foibles? Half of what I know about being a father, I learned from watching that show.""Oh, that's
comforting," she said, her voice dripping with sarcasm.She bit her tongue, worried that she may have offended him, but the smile plastered on his face as he looked at her told her otherwise. It may not have been a warm and fuzzy sentiment, but she had just acknowledged the possibility of him raising her child, completely unprompted and in a way that wasn't filled with an alarming undertone of trepidation. It was more hope than she'd given him so far, and she could see that it
meant
something to him."Hey Beckett," Ryan garnered her attention, notepad in hand and ready to inform her of what information he had gathered since their
attempted
debrief earlier. "Castle.""What's the story?"A crime scene tech walked behind her, accidentally pushing into her. She stumbled, but found her footing, turned to face the offending tech."Sorry," he muttered, continuing on his journey.But she had turned around too fast. It felt as thought the weight from her head lifted, then dropped - very suddenly - to the pit of her stomach. Dizzy and nauseous, she turned back to detective Ryan.She shouldn't have skipped breakfast, should have
forced
herself to stomach something. But it was too late for that now, she just had to try and power through.Ryan began to read out his notes from interviewing the pageant manager. Details of the victim and the manager's recounting of events leading up to now. She tried to listen, tried to focus, but the room was spinning.Ryan and Castle moved, turning their attention to Perlmutter. Castle stepped away from her and she could feel herself losing balance. She stepped closer, moving with him, and placed her hand on his arm to steady herself."Are you okay?" he whispered, his concern growing as he noticed her dazed expression.She shook her head, no, but she couldn't form the words. She looked away from Castle, redirecting her limited focus to Ryan and Perlmutter who were looking at her with curious eyes. She swallowed the rise in her throat, took a deep breath. "Excuse me."She barely got the words out before she was moving, walking away from them, from the scene."Cause of death?" Castle asked Perlmutter, hoping to distract them."She alright?" Ryan asked, obviously concerned.He racked his brain for a story,
any
story, that would ease their minds. Food poisoning, stomach flu, appendicitis, a new medication..."Big night," he responded. He groaned, internally.
Seriously? That's the best you could come up with?Ryan didn't buy it. "With Josh?" he asked for clarification. He was fishing, Castle knew that.But in that moment, Castle realised just how
in the dark
the boys were in regard to the events of these past weeks. He wanted to tell Ryan that she and Josh had broken up, but he knew that wasn't his place. The thought of them thinking she was with Josh made him angry, given the events of the weekend. He wished there was a clean break there.And just like that, his anger had returned. It felt right to be with her, working or not, just being in her presence. But, until she set clear boundaries with Josh - for
herself
as well as Josh - he wouldn't be able to move forward.
They
wouldn't be able to move forward.The day had been long, made even longer by high tensions and unrestrained emotions. Murder, blackmail, heartbreak. There was a lot to process.He sat back in his office chair, sipping on the whiskey he had been nursing for almost an hour now.His heart was breaking for Alexis. He wanted to tell her that she was making a mistake, that she shouldn't rush into such a big decision, but who was he to be offering any sort of advice right now?He heard the faint sound of a knock on the door. He rose from his seat, making a pitstop to place his whiskey glass by the kitchen sink before answering the door.He opened it, surprised by who was standing on the other side."Lanie?" he questioned."Hi."He stepped aside, gesturing with his hand for her to come in."I hope you don't mind me dropping by unannounced," Lanie said as she entered the loft."Of course not," he said, closing the door behind them. Although surprising, he knew why she would be here. There was only one reason, one
blaringly obvious
reason: Kate. "Is everything okay?" he asked.She nodded, looking around the loft."They're upstairs, but you can talk freely," he explained, knowing why she was hesitating. He appreciated her caution.She offered him a warm smile. "How are you doing?""I'm fine," he said, remaining aloof.She rolled her eyes, these two were as bad as each other with this
I'm fine
nonsense."I just wanted to let you know that I am...
aware
of the situation.""I figured." He appreciated her reaching out to him, but he just wanted her to get to the point."Look, I don't know all that much about your personal life. I don't know who it is you talk to in times like this. But I know you need
someone."He smiled. "You offering me a shoulder to cry on?""I don't think I'm the girl for that, sorry," she said, returning his smile. "But in saying that, if you
don't
have someone to turn to, I
am
here for you. I know I'm Kate's friend but that doesn't mean I don't recognise right and wrong.""You don't agree with how she's handling things?" he asked, sensing that Lanie might be a little more
team Castle
than he originally assumed."I didn't say that, just to be clear," she smiled, he smiled, the boundary had been set and understood. She was Switzerland. "She's scared. And when she's scared, she doesn't make the best decisions."He clenched his jaw, straightened his posture.
She makes horrible decisions, he thought. It was painful to know that
he
was one of those decisions."She told me that you're reconsidering things."He could hear the pleading undertone in her words. He shrugged. Considering, not necessarily
reconsidering. But he wasn't about to go making promises that he might not be able to keep."You do what you need to do. I just hope that she hasn't done irreversible damage."He knew that whatever he said next held significance. He trusted that this conversation with Lanie would remain confidential, that she
wasn't
going to run back to Kate and recount this interaction word for word, but he knew that whatever he said now would influence how Lanie advised her friend going forward."Nothing irreversible," Castle reassured her.That much he knew was true. The damage wasn't irreversible, not yet. But it was there.
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
May 10, 2011
Another day, another decaf. She was getting used to them, adjusting to the taste, but she still sipped slower than usual. One coffee would last her hours. She wasn't entirely sure if that was due to the taste, or the nausea, but she would power through. She was just grateful he was still showing up, she didn't expect him to go out of his way to bring her a coffee, she sure as hell wasn't going to turn it down."I can order you something else, if you want. I just- you haven't asked for anything else so I wasn't sure what to get you.""No," she blurted. "This is perfect, thank you.""Are you sure?"She nodded, reassuring him, and took a long sip to solidify her point. "You really don't
have
to bring me a coffee every day, though," she said after swallowing the mouthful."I want to," he said, genuinely, but with an undertone of sadness.She hated how difficult she had made this for him, hated that he was now as torn and conflicted as she had been. A part of her wanted to apologise again, for good measure. Just to remind him that she truly was sorry. But she didn't want to push her luck, not when he was still showing up."You look like hell," she commented, noting the bags under Castle's eyes. "I say that because I care," she added, bringing a smile from him."I was up most of the night with Alexis," he explained. He took a large gulp from his coffee. It was double strength,
or more. She could smell the caffeine from three feet away. It stirred in her stomach, but she wouldn't say anything. He obviously needed it."Is she alright?" she asked, selfishly relieved that his sleepless night hadn't been caused by her."First heartbreak," he said as he hung his head low.She could hear the pain in his voice, the heartbreak he felt on his daughter's behalf. She felt for him, for the both of them."Ashley chose Stanford?" she assumed, having already been filled in on the dilemma yesterday."No, he chose to stay here.""Oh." She paused as his reply sunk in. "Isn't that a good thing?""Apparently not. Now Alexis is convinced it's a mistake, that he's going to grow to resent her, and so she broke up with him."Alexis's reasoning seemed perfectly logical to her, but Castle's tone of voice made her realise he disagreed with his daughter's decision."Why doesn't she just tell him to go to Stanford?" she wondered out loud."Because,
long distance. Statistics say it won't work." He sounded exhausted, he had obviously gone over all this already.Kate was unsure of what else she could possibly say. Nothing seemed to be helpful, and so, she stayed silent."You agree with her?" he asked, his voice filled with disbelief. This couldn't be coming as a surprise to him, the idea of her agreeing with a
logical
decision."Well, she's right, you know? I mean, odds are it won't work out. She's just being practical," she justified."Relationships aren't math problems. You don't solve them by being practical." His voice grew more tense, more frustrated with each word he spoke. "I mean, what happens when she meets her soulmate, but she doesn't risk it because it's not practical?"It didn't take a genius to read between the lines, to hear the message hidden behind his words. His frustration was because of her. His words, an indirect jab at their current situation.He wasn't the first to think her practicality was...
ill advised.
Lanie had all but said that her behaviour was
nonsense.But risking your heart didn't come easy to some people. For some, like herself and Alexis, the fear of a broken heart outweighed any temporary happiness. People like them didn't see the point in delaying the inevitable, in allowing themselves more time to fall deeper in love, knowing what they were headed for."Maybe she just needs time to figure out that the heart can't be ruled by logic," she suggested, hoping it would offer him some kind of reassurance."What about Ashley? Is he supposed to just wait for her to figure that out?" he said, angrier than intended, making it clear he was no longer talking solely about his daughter's relationship problems.She opened her mouth to say something, but shut it again when she heard Esposito's voice flow through the bullpen."Okay then, what about Hawaii? Earrings? Ooh. Lingerie," the detective said to their captain."Things you buy a woman!" Castle chimed in, the anger he had directed at her just moments ago, gone. "I used to kill in
Pyramid.""It's my 30th anniversary," Montgomery explained, offering clarification to Esposito's list of gift ideas.Beckett plastered her best attempt at a smile on her face. "Oh, sir, congratulations," she said with a feigned air of excitement.But her mind was still on her conversation with Castle, still on the degree in which she had just screwed up...
again.The day had felt particularly...
long. Like he had been staring at the walls of the precinct for entirely too much of the day, and it was starting to weigh on him, intensifying his fatigue from a sleepless night.He had never had this issue before. He had never felt confined to the bullpen. Even when they pulled all-nighters, sifting through stacks of paperwork and evidence, he had always
felt
like he'd seen the outside world. But today was different."You need a break?" she asked, pulling him from his daze."Huh?"She smiled, obviously amused by his absent-mindedness. "A break. You wanna go for a walk or something? Get some air?""Oh, no, I'm fine.""You can go home if you want," she said, measuring her tone, trying to hide any nerves that he might
actually
leave. "Get some rest. I understand.""Well, what if you get a juicy lead and have to follow up? You'll need me," he insisted.She smiled, relieved that he didn't appear to be in any rush to leave her. "I'm sure Ryan and Espo can handle it."And then it hit him, the reason why he felt more cooped up than usual: her delegation tactics. Instead of the usual divvying of tasks, relatively fairly shared between the four of them, she had been giving Ryan and Esposito more of the footwork, opting to stay behind the desk for most of the day."Are you purposely assigning yourself tasks that keep you at the precinct?" he blurted the thought as it formed in his mind.She sighed. "As soon as Montgomery finds out, he's going to practically chain me to the desk. I may as well start easing into it," she explained."I mean, it's probably not a bad idea.""Yeah," she agreed reluctantly. "Except you're bored of me already and it's only been half a day.""Not bored of you.
Never
bored of you," he reassured, before yawning as if to reinforce her argument. "Just tired."She smiled. "It's okay, Castle. We'll get you out of here for a little bit, I promise.""Excuse me, Mr. Castle?" He heard from behind him. He turned, surprised to see his daughter's now
ex-boyfriend standing there."Ashley."He stood, still a little dumbfounded, listening to Ashley's pleading. He felt for the boy, he truly did, but he just couldn't bring himself to interfere with Alexis's decisions. She was torn up about it, already. The last thing she needed was for everyone else to have an opinion on what she should or shouldn't be doing. He knew firsthand how frustrating it was for
everyone
to seemingly have an opinion on
your
love life."Mr Castle, have you ever been crazy about someone who is determined to push you away?"As if on cue, Kate walked around the corner, her voice bringing him from his internal debate. "Hey, Castle... oh, sorry guys.""Uh... no... It's okay." Castle's voice trailed off as he stared at her. There she was, that
someone
who was determined to push him away, as alluring as ever. "Um... Ashley, I'm sorry. I do have to go.""Please just think about it, okay?" the boy pleaded."Okay," he promised.He watched Ashley as he left, head hung low and shoulders slumped. The boy looked as miserable as Castle felt."What was that about?" Kate asked, once the boy was out of earshot."He wants me to advocate for him," Castle explained, troubled look plastered on his face."Oh. That's sweet." Her voice seemed unsure, not matching the words she spoke."Yeah.""And... awkward," she continued, making her tone of voice make more sense."Mostly awkward," Castle agreed.They began walking back toward the bullpen with a matching casualness in their stride. After just a few steps, curiosity got the better of her."Are you going to do it?" she asked, breaking the momentary silence.He considered his options. He could either stand back, mind his own business, and watch his daughter possibly give up on something great.
Or, he could intervene, give Alexis completely unsolicited advice and cross the boundaries he had unknowingly set himself, but possibly help end her current state of unhappiness. And he would always want to encourage her to believe in the possibilities."Advice?" he asked, looking her in the eye and silently pleading. "Having been a teenaged girl once... would you have appreciated your father stepping in?""Oh, God no." She laughed at the thought.Her father would have been mortified if he had known
half
of the mischief she had gotten up to when she was Alexis's age. Her mother had always been her confidante, and after her mother's death her father had tried to be that person for her, but it just didn't work out that way."But I didn't have the same relationship with my dad that you have with Alexis," she explained, seeing Castle's internal battle splayed across his face. "It's different. He's never really been the one I go to with my problems.""Does that mean he doesn't know about...""That I'm knocked up and don't know who the father is?" she smiled, another laughable idea. "No. I think I'd like to keep that fun little fact to myself, if that's okay.""That's fair," he said quietly."Yo, Beckett." Ryan called out, approaching them, and they both froze, hoping he hadn't overheard. He continued with his update, so they both assumed they were in the clear. "I just got off the phone with Jeremy Keiper's mom. Turns out Jeremy moved to New York last month. Said he was going to 'make something of himself'.""Looks like he made himself into a blackmailer and a killer," Castle quipped with a smirk."We're on it. Thanks, Ryan."Ryan passed her the note with the address on it, happy that they would be doing the footwork on this one."Told you I'd get you outside," she said to Castle, grabbing her jacket."Appreciate it," he replied, following her lead.They walked to her car in silence. There were too many people around to safely continue their conversation without being overheard. But he was determined to bring it up again as soon as he could.Once they were out of the precinct, away from earshot of anyone who knew them, he asked the question that had been circling his consciousness for weeks now: who was helping her process this?"If you haven't told your dad... who
are
you talking to about all of this?"He already knew that Lanie knew, but he saw this as a segue, so he was going to take it. He would feign ignorance for as long as he needed, if it meant she would actually confide in him."What do you mean?"Her question stumped him.
What do you mean?
He thought it was a fairly straightforward question."Well, you're pregnant, for the first time, I'm assuming. Surely you have questions, concerns, just things you want to get off your chest. You're not talking to me about it. You haven't told Josh or your dad. Maddy?""Lanie knows," she eventually disclosed. "We talk, I guess.""You guess?""I don't really
want
to talk about it. What's there to say?" she snapped."Why are you mad at me?" he snapped back, stopping abruptly. This whole conversation had escalated quicker than expected and he didn't have patience for this right now.She stopped two paces ahead of him, having to turn around to face him. She took a deep breath, calmed herself before continuing. "I'm sorry. I'm not... I'm not mad at you, Castle." She reached out, touched her fingers to his jacket sleeve."Tell me what's wrong.""I'm-" she hesitated. She knew he needed this, needed her to let him in. "I'm just
angry. At myself, I guess.""Why?" he asked, voice pleading with her, please."When did you know?" she asked. "With Alexis, when did you know that you loved her? That you'd do anything for her?"He racked his brain, tried to remember the moment he knew. Truly
knew
that he loved her more than anything else in this world. "Honestly, not until she was born."For a moment, Kate felt hopeful. But then, he continued."I was always excited to be a dad, for all the possibilities it held. But I didn't
know
until I held her."All hope faded as quickly as it had been built up, because she didn't even feel that excitement for what was possible.She felt
very little
for this child. For
her
child.She felt like she was lacking something that
should
be as easy as breathing. She felt like a failure. Ashamed, guilty, angry... not at all like how an expectant mother should feel."You don't
have
to feel it right away," he tried to reassure her. "It'll come, eventually."She swallowed the lump forming in her throat, the emotion that was trying to rise to the surface, the fear that she would never feel the connection she so desperately wanted to feel. "What if it doesn't?"He looked at her, helpless. He always felt so helpless."Forget it, Castle," she said, starting to walk toward the car again. "It doesn't matter.""It does," he affirmed, striding to match her pace."I promise you, I am figuring this all out. I just- I can't talk about this right now, Castle. I have a job to do.""Okay, let's go talk to Jeremy," he stood down, accepting that she had given all she could for right now.
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
May 11, 2011 (8w)
She sat in the uncomfortable plastic chair, pressing two fingers to the cotton ball taped to her inner elbow. She didn't mind blood tests, a little pinch was usually the worst of it, but this withdrawal took several attempts and would more than likely leave her bruised.Her free hand gripped the bottle of orange juice that Castle had handed her when he dropped her off. He had offered to stay, but she insisted she was fine.
They'll just be going over my family medical history, she had told him, hoping to deter him. It had worked, and now she wished she wasn't sitting there, alone. The juice was warm now, still untouched. She didn't want it, the thought of even a small sip provoked her uneasy stomach, but she accepted it with a smile.Because it was thoughtful. He was always so thoughtful. Even after everything she had put him through...A little bit of juice always makes me feel better after a blood test.Absentmindedly, she pressed against the needle mark in her arm a little too hard, the pain shooting through her arm bringing her from her thoughts. She hissed at the pain, rubbed gently at the skin around the cotton ball."Katherine Beckett," her GP called from the hallway.She rose from the chair, her most convincing smile on her face, and followed the woman into the examination room.Her whole body ached: restless nights and long work days starting to catch up to her."How are you feeling today, Kate? May I call you Kate?" Dr Wilkinson asked her as she sat down."Kate is fine," Kate grimaced as she sat. "Feeling fine, thank you.""Any morning sickness?""A little," she lied. She had had to get Castle to drive her to this appointment as she didn't quite trust her stomach to cooperate long enough to last the drive here."Every day?" Dr Wilkinson enquired further, hoping to pry a little more information."Yeah." Kate nodded, shuffled in her seat. "Yeah it comes and goes throughout the day but, it's every day now.""If it helps, morning sickness is usually at its worst around the 9 week mark. It should start to subside soon."She sighed. "That's a relief."Dr Wilkinson smiled warmly as she began jotting notes down in Kate's file. "So today we will just be going over your medical history, getting you set up in an antenatal clinic, et cetera. We also have some questionnaires for you to fill out."She handed Kate a clipboard with two pages of questions: one with questions designed to gauge her mental health and one that seemed to be a partner-based questionnaire. She recognised some of the questions, similar to forms she had seen around the precinct, scoring the likelihood of a domestic violence situation."I don't think this one applies to me," she said, gesturing to the partner-based questions. "I'm not currently in a relationship with the baby's father.""It's not necessarily the child's father, it's any intimate relationship you may have at the moment," Dr Wilkinson explained. "Your relationships can greatly impact your child, even before he or she is born. This questionnaire, as well as regular check-ins with your midwives, just help us monitor for any potential risk factors."Kate rested a hand across her stomach, drawn to the guilt that was settling there. She worried at her lower lip, her eyes nervously avoiding the doctor's. Everything she had done, was
continuing
to do, was already setting the course of this baby's life."You don't have to fill this in," the doctor said, taking the form from her. "You have total control over everything. We are just here to help. Over the next several months, you'll be offered advice, appointments, classes, tests... but
you
have final say over every aspect of this."Kate nodded, not trusting herself to talk. She swallowed, trying to rid her throat of the constricting lump of emotion that had formed."I would like you to try and fill this one in, though, if you're up for that," Dr Wilkinson requested, gesturing to the first questionnaire. "Try to answer as honestly as possible. You'll be asked to fill one of these out at every antenatal appointment. As I said, you don't have to do it, but it will help us gauge how you are coping and we can plan how to best help you.""I can tell you right now, I'm not off to a great start," Kate said with a slight laugh, trying her best to downplay the situation."Why do you say that, Kate?"She hesitated for a moment. Why
did
she say that? Why didn't she just fill in the questionnaire? She knew what answers they were expecting, what answers would get her out of here without drawing unwanted attention to her current mental state.But she knew she had to do this, to open up, to get the help she
needed. For Castle. For their future."I just don't feel like I'm cut out for this, I guess.""The pregnancy was unplanned?" Dr Wilkinson asked.A sharp puff of air escaped Kate. "Yeah, something like that.""And your options were explained to you at your last GP appointment?"Kate nodded. Dr Sewell had been very thorough in his explanation of her options, having sent her home with an assortment of pamphlets. Prenatal vitamins, Lamaze classes, parenting groups in the area, adoption agencies, counselling options and lastly, the different options available for ending a pregnancy. Between these pamphlets and her own frenzied internet searches, she felt very well informed of her
options."And yet here you are. So, some part of you believes that you can do this, right?" Dr Wilkinson suggested.Kate took a deep breath and began to read through the questionnaire. Each question was more a statement than a question:
I have been able to laugh, I have been able to enjoy things, et cetera. And for each statement you must answer: never, rarely, sometimes, often or always.The process started out easy enough, ticking each box that felt most accurate for her.I have blamed myself unnecessarily when things went wrong.She faltered. But she knew there was nothing
unnecessary
about the blame she had been placing on herself. It was the opposite, in fact. She was miserable, and she had no one to blame but herself. Maybe she was a
little
hard on herself at times, but someone had to be. She ticked the
rarely
box and moved on.
I have been anxious or worried for no good reason.
Pending motherhood seemed like a pretty good reason to be anxious and worried. The inevitable fallout if this baby
wasn't
Castle's seemed like a pretty good reason, too. Things that didn't seem like a good enough reason: driving to work, being in a crowded room, being alone, phone calls from her father.
Sometimes.
The thought of harming myself has occurred to me.
This sentence seemed to suck the room of its air. She felt... exposed, vulnerable. She didn't like it.Self harm, a dark path she wasn't
unfamiliar
with. Abusing her body: depriving it of water, starving it of nutrients for days at a time, exercising to the point of total burnout, followed by weekend long benders that only stopped so that she could hypocritically call out her father's self-destructive behaviour. She did everything she could, even things she knew she
shouldn't, to feel some sense of control. She would be lying if she said she hadn't been fighting off falling into those past habits again.She took a deep breath, ticked the box and clipped her pen under the metal claw of the clipboard.
Never.Her heart began to race as the guilt inside of her grew. She grabbed the pen again, uncapping it with an unnecessary amount of frustration. She scribbled over the tick.
Answer as honestly as possible, she repeated to herself.
Sometimes.She placed the clipboard on the corner of the doctor's desk before she had a chance to change her mind again. Dr Wilkinson stopped writing her notes and took the questionnaire, looking over Kate's answers so that she could give her an overall 'score'."Do you have a history of anxiety or depression?" she asked after a few minutes of examining the questionnaire. "You've scored quite high.""I take it that isn't a good thing."Dr Wilkinson smiled apologetically. "Unfortunately, no."Kate nodded, she wasn't surprised. "My mother passed away when I was nineteen. I didn't handle it very well," she admitted. Dr Wilkinson began scrawling notes in Kate's file again, but Kate knew she was still listening intently. "It took my father hitting rock bottom for me to realise I didn't want to end up that way. I was on antidepressants for almost two years.""I'm sorry for your loss, and I'm sorry to hear of your struggles since then," the doctor put her pen down, turning her focus back to Kate. "Do you think not having your mother around has contributed to you having doubts about motherhood?"Kate stifled a laugh, an attempt at deflection. "Are you qualified for this conversation, Doc?""I have a master's degree in psychology," she informed Kate."I'm sorry.""No, you're absolutely right. You
should
be having these conversations with someone who is qualified to help you. Is that something you're willing to do?""I have a pretty intense work schedule," Kate offered the weak excuse, knowing it was nothing more than that -
an excuse. Montgomery was happily allowing her lenience to make appointments, no questions asked."A colleague of mine practices after hours. He has an office downtown and I know he has availabilities."Her mind was working overtime trying to come up with an excuse -
any
excuse - to say no."Please, just take his details and
think
about it," Dr Wilkinson pulled a business card from her desk drawer and passed it to Kate.Kate took the card, glancing over the information embossed into it. "Okay," she relented.For their future."Do you have any preferences?" she asked as she shut the car door.Castle looked at her, confused by the lack of context she had provided. "Preferences?""I know
nothing
about this," she started as she buckled up her seatbelt.The rest of her appointment had been spent going over the process, what was yet to come. Scheduling appointments with midwives and obstetricians, outlining what tests she should expect, and which ones might be offered depending on the circumstances of her pregnancy as it progresses. She was given a list of recommended classes: pre-term labour education, breastfeeding consultations, sessions with nutritionists and dieticians, parent education programs, gestational diabetes education, just to name a few.Dr Wilkinson had assured her that today was just a rundown, and that it wouldn't seem like that much when it was spread out across the next several months, but it still seemed very overwhelming."I thought you just pick a hospital and show up when you're in labour. But you have to have a plan," she explained to him, her voice beginning to break. "Natural, assisted, medicated, water birth, home birth, caesarean-""Woah, okay, you're freaking out.""I'm not-" she stopped, took a breath and restarted in a calmer manner. "I'm not freaking out, there's just a lot more decisions to make than I thought.""You have time," he reassured her.She sighed and looked out the window, watching the buildings they drove past. "You didn't answer my question: do you have any preferences?"She turned her head back in his direction, watched as his focus split between the traffic and her question. He shook his head."No, you do whatever you need to." He hesitated for a moment and she could see there was something more he wanted to say. She waited, patiently, and eventually he continued. "But, thank you for including me in the decision making process. I appreciate that."She smiled softly. "I told you, Castle, I
want
to be better and I'm doing what needs to be done. That includes not always being so hyper-independent.""That's never been a strength of yours, allowing yourself to rely on someone else.""It's never too late to start, right?"He didn't want to get his hopes up, but this seemed like she actually
was
trying, like she actually
did
want this to work. He smiled, "Right."She focussed her attention back to outside of the car, watching the vehicle's reflection in the windows of the buildings as they drove past."How did it go with Candace?" she asked after a few moments of silence."Oh, nothing there. Tribeca Grand confirmed that Stark and Candace were together. Baron's alibi checked out too. So, dead end, unfortunately.""Damn." She chewed at her bottom lip, considering her next move. "We should keep on them. Just because they've alibied out doesn't mean they aren't involved somehow."Castle shook his head, disappointed. "I think even your Debbie Winaker would be appalled.""Yeah, she would've," she said with a touch of sadness in her voice. "Debbie wanted to be a beauty queen because she believed in the ideals of beauty. She wanted to be beautiful on the inside and outside.""I thought you didn't like her," he said with smirk.She smiled. "Well, deep down, behind all the makeup and the hair, she wasn't terrible. She was just a miserable person to live with. Unlike Amber, winning wouldn't have meant a thing to her if she had to cheat to do it.""Yeah, talk about choices that change your life. When do you make that choice? When does winning become more important than your soul?""I don't know. You have to be pretty cold and calculating to make some of the choices Amber did.""Cold and calculating," he echoed, lost in his thoughts."What?""Amber was cold and calculating," he clarified,
kind of.She wasn't following. "Yeah. So?""So, all of those people we talked to about her? One of them was lying.""Justin Hankel," she realised. She pulled her phone from her pocket and began to dial. "I'll call it in."She was curled up in bed, book laying flat against her chest, eyes struggling to stay open. She knew that she should put the book on her nightstand, turn the lamp off and let herself succumb to her need for sleep, but she was struggling to muster the energy to do that.She could feel sleep taking over: the book slipping down her chest as gravity overpowered the little strength she had left to hold it in place, the muffled sounds of traffic outside of her building fading to nothingness. She was startled back into consciousness by the harsh vibrations of her phone against her nightstand."Seriously?" she groaned, stuffing her bookmark into the book and placing it down on the nightstand. She considered muting her phone, ignoring whoever was calling her and hoping she could drift off to sleep easily enough. But when she tilted the phone and saw his name on her screen, she knew she couldn't ignore it. That didn't mean she wasn't pissed, though."What, Castle?" she answered grumpily."Alexis is going to Stanford," he said, not even registering her frustration.She sat upright, trying to focus her attention. "What?""Stanford, Beckett," he all but yelled through the phone. "In January!""She isn't going to Stanford in January, Castle," she reassured him. "She doesn't even graduate this year.""She has credits. She's applying for early admission.""Oh." Kate sighed, realising that maybe he wasn't being dramatic. If anyone was capable of graduating early and making it to Stanford in the spring, it was Alexis. "I'm sorry, Castle.""Don't say that. Apologising means giving up, means there's nothing I can do.""If this is something she wants-""She doesn't
know
what she wants," he cut her off. "Twelve hours ago they were broken up.""And you thought that she was giving up too soon," she reminded him."Yes, but I didn't realise that the alternative was her...
leaving."She could hear the sadness in his voice. He knew his little girl was growing up, that soon enough she would be leaving the nest and flying out there in the big, wide world on her own, but he thought he had more time than this."Are you okay, Castle?" she asked, wishing there was something more she could do to ease his concerns. She pulled her knees to her chest, resting her head against them."I will be," he said with a sigh. "Sorry I woke you.""You didn't wake me," she reassured him, but her eyelids were beginning to weigh heavy again. "We can talk as long as you need, I'm fine.""You sound like you're half asleep. I'm sorry.""Don't be sorry. If you need me, I'm here. Always.""I know. Thank you. Goodnight, Kate.""Goodnight, Castle."
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
May 12, 2011
When she called Dr Burke's office she hadn't expected him to be able to squeeze her in for an introductory meeting that same morning.She had spent the majority of the hour avoiding the man's studying eyes. She knew to expect it, the idea of the meeting was for them to get aquatinted with one another, but that didn't make it any less unnerving to have him watching her so intently. He was authoritative, unwavering, and impossibly patient with her. She had a feeling he was going to be a great fit for her, the slight nudge out of her comfort zone that she needed.She entered the bullpen with a confidence she hadn't felt in a long time.
Too long. She was surprised, but glad to see Castle sitting in his chair by her desk. He had busied himself with a file while he waited for her, she hadn't told him that she would be late this morning."What are you doing?" she asked him as she approached."Your paperwork," he replied, not bothering to look up from the file. "Figured I could get a start on it for you.""Oh." She didn't know whether she should be thankful or alarmed that he was voluntarily doing paperwork, something he usually avoided at all costs. "Thank you.""Don't thank me, I didn't do much."He finally looked up, offering her a warm smile. He looked tired and her heart broke knowing that he would have been up all night worrying about Alexis."How are you this morning?" she asked as she took her seat."Oh, I'm fine. I think I've decided to just settle into denial," he explained, leaning back in his chair."Ah, denial. A very comfortable place to settle." She smiled when he looked at her as if he was daring her to comment further. "Just don't stay there too long, yeah?"She rolled her chair closer to her desk, grabbing the file from in front of Castle and settling in to finish what he had started. She could feel his eyes lingering on her, burning into her."You're staring," she stated, eyes still glued to the file in front of her."You were late.""I cleared it with Montgomery.""Are you okay? Is the nausea-""I'm fine, Castle," she cut him off before he could say too much, her eyes darting around the bullpen to make sure no one had overheard them. "Let's go for a walk?"The barista passed her a tall chai tea and a grande cappuccino, to go. She smiled, passing the larger of the two cups to Castle."Thanks," he said before taking a cautious sip from the beverage.They left the café, and started walking back toward the precinct, their pace slow enough that more eager pedestrians began to pass them by."I've started seeing someone," she said, breaking the silence."Like... dating?"She laughed. "No, Castle. Like
therapy."He visibly relaxed. "That's where you were this morning?""Yeah. I didn't think he would get me in so quickly, that's why I hadn't mentioned it.""Yeah, no. That, uh," he stumbled over his words, not really sure of what to say. "That's good. Good for you. It takes courage to take that step."He knew he should be happy -
thrilled, even - that she was taking action, doing things to better herself, to
heal
whatever it was inside her that was so broken. But this complete one-eighty in her behaviour seemed too sudden, like she hadn't put enough time into building the foundations and the building was destined to only last so long before it came crumbling down. He didn't know whether or not he could trust it, and he hated that.She could see the pain behind his eyes, the inner conflict that painted his face a deep shade of melancholy blue."Things will never be the same between us again," she stated, pulling her eyes away from the sad scene she had caused."No, it won't be," he agreed sombrely. "But, it could be better than it ever was.""Could be," she acknowledged, but doubt kicked in. "Or it could be the beginning of the end."He took a deep breath, frustrated by her constant pessimism. Her change of attitude seeming to be fraying at the edges already.He continued to match her pace as she slowed her walk, the both of them coming to a stop after several seconds. She turned to face him, to make sure he could see the meaning behind the words that were to come."But running from something because it
might
not work out..." she paused, gathering her thoughts. She didn't want to trip on her words, to mix up the message. "I don't want to spend my whole life running.""And what about Josh?" he asked before he had really registered the words.He wanted to just focus on them, focus on the steps toward progress she had been taking. But unless she acknowledged the elephant in the room, he would always doubt her."I don't love Josh," she said, answering his question from days earlier. "So much of my relationship with him was
wrong. Especially the way things ended. I've been so... so
consumed
by this guilt, I haven't been thinking clearly."He had fought off curiosity so far, but he couldn't fight it anymore. "Why do you feel so guilty?""I hate how I treated him," she confessed. "I spent months telling him he was imagining this
connection
between you and me.""He wasn't," Castle insisted, a reminder to both of them of what they were fighting for, what they were working toward, what they
could
be if they could just get past this
fear
that encompassed them."I know," she assured him. "Dwelling on the mistakes I've made isn't going to fix them. I thought that I needed his forgiveness, but I don't.""And where does forgiveness play into this if Josh is the father?""If we find out the baby is Josh's, we can deal with that then but for now I just need to focus on myself, the baby. And, if you allow...
you.""All that from one therapy session?""No," she smiled softly, touching her fingertips to the lapels of his jacket for a short moment. "All that from a few days of prioritising things.""You're actually putting in the work." He tried not to sound so surprised, but he hadn't expected this. He smiled, relishing in the fact that he had made it onto her priority list."Yeah." Her smile brightened, trying to ease the tension. "A friend of mine told me I needed to try harder
so...""Wow," he chuckled. "What an asshole."She shrugged. "He's not that bad when you give him a chance."
May 13, 2011
With 5pm rapidly approaching, the team was relieved to be wrapping up the last of their paperwork. It was looking like they were actually going to get out of here on time – a nice change for a Friday evening."You guys wanna grab a drink?" Esposito asked as he stuffed a file into the filing cabinet by Beckett’s desk."I'm in," Ryan said without hesitation. Jenny was out of town with her sister – it was all they had heard about all day long – so he was keen to spend some time with his friends outside of the precinct."No can do, sorry,” Castle added. “The Castle residence will be having a
Friday 13th
movie marathon tonight."“Of course you are,” Esposito said with a teasing undertone to his voice. “What about you, Beckett?”"I can't either, sorry. I'm on call this weekend.""What?” Castle asked with a frown. “Why?""Glasston needed his shift covered," she stated with a shrug."Yeah, but how did you get stuck with the shift?" he pushed for clarification. He was already concerned with the hours she was pulling to cover her work, let alone adding someone else’s shift on top of that."Montgomery mentioned he had a shift to be filled so I volunteered,” she explained. “With some luck, I'll spend my weekend
here
and not sitting alone in an empty apartment,” she added softly."That's depressing," Esposito said bluntly."I'm so sorry you find my life so hard, Espo," she shot back at him, sarcastically."I just meant...” his voice trailed off as he tried to find a justification that wasn’t as harsh as his words had come across. “Why don't you do something with Lanie?" he asked, abandoning his justifications.Beckett narrowed her eyes as she chewed at the inside of her bottom lip. Esposito looked… sympathetic. She knew something was up. "What did she tell you?"Esposito’s eyes darted to Ryan, then back to Beckett, as he fiddled with his hands. "She may have mentioned the breakup," he admitted.Ryan looked to Beckett, a surprised expression crossing his face. Esposito had obviously had the decency to not discuss this with his partner, to which she was thankful for. Her eyes moved to Castle, who was already watching her, no doubt trying to gauge her reaction to her personal life becoming the topic of conversation. Particularly when it was so… messy.
"That was, like, two months ago. Almost,” she said with a smile, moving her focus back to Esposito. “I'm fine."“You’re pulling overtime to avoid going home.” Esposito restated, highlighting the fact that she clearly was not fine.“You could have told us, Beckett,” Ryan added in a much more delicate tone of voice. “If you’re struggling, talk to us. We can’t help if we don’t know what’s going on.”She hung her head, avoiding the three sets of eyes that lingered on her. She could see that she had hurt them by leaving them on the outside for so long. Two more names added to the list of people she had inadvertently hurt by not letting them in."Come to dinner," Castle suggested, worried that she was on the verge of another spiral."I'm fine," she repeated. "I don't need your pity invites."She closed her eyes, took a second to shut out the world. There was that sharp tongue again, directed at Castle, again. Would she ever learn?"It's not a pity invite,” he clarified. “The way I see it, you can either go home to that empty apartment you're trying to avoid and wait for a call,
or
you can come have dinner with us while you wait for a call. I know what I'd rather, just personally."She considered his offer. He made a good point but sitting through dinner with his family - part of which was still angry at her - didn't
really
seem like a better option than being alone."Alexis-""Isn't going to be home until later," he explained, knowing what her argument was going to be. An argument that he
knew
she would regret starting in front of Ryan and Esposito. "Ashley's parents invited her to a dinner celebrating Ashley getting into Stanford. It's just me and my mother, so you'd be doing me a favour, actually."She stared at him, mentally going over her list of reasons
not
to go. Nothing, she couldn't think of a single reason. She had been trying to give him space, to not force her presence on him unnecessarily. But
he
had invited
her.
He
was the one reaching out. This could be it, that step in the right direction that they had
both
been waiting for.She smiled, relenting, softening her composure. "Sounds good."Ryan and Esposito gave each other a side glance, trying to supress their smirking. She shot them her best ‘say a word and I swear to God, I’ll break you both’ glare and began to walk toward the elevator, the three boys trailing closely behind.She pushed the button to call the elevator carriage to their level, turning back to the boys. As she turned, she caught the last motions of Esposito and Castle feeding the birds.“Got something to share, Castle?”“Just letting the guys know that they drink on the house at the Old Haunt tonight,” he threw the surprisingly convincing cover story out, hoping she would buy it. The boys nodded enthusiastically.The elevator doors opened behind her. She rolled her eyes – choosing not to call out Castle’s cover story – and turned to enter the carriage. Once they had all piled in and Ryan had pressed the ground floor button, she looked up at Castle. He gently nudged against her arm, and somehow, she found it reassuring.“Seriously though, if you go to the Old Haunt, Brian will take care of you guys,” Castle said as they exited the elevator.“Thanks, Bro,” Esposito said graciously as he and Ryan began to walk in the opposite direction to Castle and Beckett. “Enjoy your date,” he called out over his shoulder.As they entered the loft, they were greeted by the soft sound of jazz music playing from the record player across the room. Kate took a few, hesitant steps into the loft as Castle shrugged his jacket from his shoulders and hung it in the closet by the door. She followed his lead, pulling her jacket off and hugging it close to her chest.Her eyes searched the space around them until they settled on the sights of Martha, in the kitchen, pouring herself a glass of wine."She won't be cooking, I promise you," Castle whispered as he took her jacket from her hands and hung it beside his.She pressed her lips into a fine line, trying to repress the growing smile. She had heard enough stories of Martha's cooking to know she never wanted to taste it herself."Katherine, darling," Martha greeted eagerly, walking toward her. "Good to see you again."The woman threw her arms around Kate, pulling her in for a tight, familiar hug. Martha may have been a little eccentric, overbearing at times, but she knew how to make someone feel welcome."Hi Martha," Kate returned the greeting as they pulled from their embrace."I didn't know you were joining us this evening.""Last minute addition," Castle explained. “Did Alexis happen to mention what time she would be back?”“Dinner was early, so they should be here around seven.” Martha turned and began to walk back toward the kitchen.“They?”“Yes, Richard. They,” she called over her shoulder. “Ashley will be joining us for the movie marathon.”“I thought you liked Ashley,” Kate said softly, a little confused by Castle’s apparent unhappiness.“I liked him better when he wasn’t dragging my daughter off to California,” he grumbled.“I don’t think there’s much dragging involved, Castle,” she smiled. “And what happened to denial?”“Denial is replaced by sadness every time I see them together all stupid and happy.”“Happy,” she echoed. He looked at her but didn’t say anything. “I’m not helping. Sorry.”“No, you are.” He scrubbed his hands over his face. “I obviously want her to be happy.”“Stop moping, Richard. You have company,” Martha jested as she walked by, passing them to head upstairs.“Do you think I could convince them to take her with them?” he whispered to Kate, earning him a playful smile.He stepped closer to her, placing a hand on her hip as he leaned in close. Her heart began to race – the proximity, the heat of his touch, the smell of his cologne – she hadn’t realised how long it had been since they had been this close.“I just want to give you a heads up: she knows.” His voice was low, almost a whisper. She knows.She wanted to be mad, she hadn’t even told her father yet. But who was she to punish him, to deny him someone to confide in because she had spent so long in denial, because she was struggling to come to terms with this.She pulled away, slightly. “Does she know everything?”“The CliffsNotes version,” he explained. “I wasn’t going to tell her, I just-”“It’s okay,” she said, cutting him off before he could finish his sentence. She trusted that he wasn’t running around airing her dirty laundry to the world, that he just needed someone, much like she had needed Lanie. She didn’t need his justifications. It truly was okay.He wasn’t convinced yet, though. “It is?”She offered a slight shrug. “You need someone to talk to just as much as I do. And obviously the talking to each other part of all this is pretty complicated right now.”“It’s getting better,” he reassured her.“I know.” She smiled. She wasn’t blind to the progress they had made, even if sometimes it felt like they were running in circles."I should start dinner," he stated, trying to move away from the current subject. He wanted tonight to be pleasant, to at least make it through dinner before everything got tense again."What are we cooking?" she asked, accepting the change."I'm cooking," he corrected her.She frowned. "Come on, let me help."She won the battle, obviously.He, of course, had no real objection to her helping him cook. He had wanted her to relax, to unwind after a tense few weeks. But if she wanted to help him, he would obviously accept any excuse to have her close to him.“Is there anything you can’t eat at the moment?”“Uh, no.” She looked over the assortment of ingredients that covered the kitchen counter. “No, this should all be fine.”“Okay, let’s get cooking, then!”They stood side by side as they worked. Closer than necessary – and they both knew it – but neither one of them rushed to create any sort of distance between them. Her arm brushed against his as she reached for a knife, his hand skimmed over hers as they both reached for the potatoes.And neither one of them acted like it was an accidental thing, because they both knew better.They fell into a rhythm with ease, and very quickly discovered that right here, right now, the complications of life outside of this kitchen couldn’t reach them. They had craved this closeness, this ease, these little touches. In the outside world, fear had held them back. But in this newfound safety net, he felt brave.“You should stay for the marathon,” he said as he reached behind her, grabbing the peeler from the drawers to her side.His breath against the exposed skin of her neck had her wanting to agree before he could even finish saying the words. The warmth skirting under the collar of her shirt, taking the breath from her lungs.But she was already fighting off the signs of fatigue, she would barely make it through dinner, let alone a movie marathon. She knew, the second she sunk into Castle’s comfortable longue, she would be seconds away from sleep.“Not tonight,” she said regretfully.He moved back to his position beside her, the warmth of his presence wearing from her back too quickly.“You okay?” he asked.She nodded. "Just tired. Pass me the onions?"He picked up the two small onions beside him and held them out for her. When she reached for them, he pulled his hand back and held them to his chest."Is someone forgetting their manners?" He asked with a smirk.She smiled, refrained from rolling her eyes. "Please, Castle?" She held her hand out, expectantly.He dropped his hand and placed the onions into her open palm, holding her gaze. His mind was screaming at him: say something, do something, anything! He released his grip on the peeler he had been holding, resting it on the chopping board. His hands – starchy from the potatoes – twitched: desperate to touch her, to feel her skin, to trace the definition of her cheekbones and angry that he had to resist.He could see the invitation in her eyes, in the subtle way she licked her lips. Her eyes darted to his mouth, then back again. Confirmation, they were on the same page. For the first time in so long, they were on the same page.The rattle of the front door handle burst the bubble of their safety net. His eyes shot instinctively to the door and by the time they returned to the woman standing, waiting, in front of him, she was pulling the vegetable from his hand and busying herself with meal preparation.“Hey Dad,” Alexis called as she entered the loft.“Hi, Mister Castle,” her boyfriend followed. “Detective Beckett.”“You’re home early,” Castle stated. “Did you have fun?”“Yeah, it was nice,” Alexis said before heading toward the staircase. “Ashley and I will be upstairs.”“In your room?” he repeated, as if he had misheard her. Alexis nodded. “Alone?”“Well, I thought you and detective Beckett might like some privacy,” the girl said with an air of innocence that he knew wasn’t genuine.“We can hang out down here,” Ashley suggested nervously.Castle chuckled to himself. “Go on.” He motioned with his hand, dismissing the teens. “Door stays open.”“I know,” Alexis called over her shoulder, grabbing Ashley’s hand and heading upstairs.Once they were out of earshot, Castle turned to Beckett.“When you advocate on behalf of the boyfriend, sometimes you just need to make sure he still fears you a little bit,” he explained.Kate smiled, letting out a huff of air and shaking her head. “You’re…” she trailed off, struggling to find the exact word she was looking for.“Genius?” he offered.“Sure,” she said sarcastically. “Cut your potatoes, Castle.”“Yes, Chef.”He snatched the dish brush from her hands in protest."Guests aren't supposed to cook and clean, Beckett. They're supposed to sit down and relax," he argued."It's a few dishes, if we
both
do them, it'll be done in just a few minutes.” She turned to take the dish brush from his hands. “Then we can
both
sit and relax.""So, you've decided to stay?" he asked, hopeful.She sighed, realising her slip of the tongue. "I shouldn’t.”"You aren’t staying for the movies?” Alexis asked as she and Ashley descended the stairs, Martha following close behind.“Uh, no. I really should be getting home.”“Just one?” the girl asked, her voice pleading on her father’s behalf.Kate recognised that this was an olive branch of sorts. Alexis’s way of making amends without having to actually acknowledge that something was amiss, without having to confess to what they both knew was true – that she had seen the way Castle had been hurt and that she had, and possibly still does, held the detective accountable.This was a turning point and, so, Kate’s next move felt obvious.“Maybe one,” she said, accepting the invitation to stay.“Victory!” Castle cheered playfully.Kate smiled at his enthusiasm. “Only because Alexis asked.”“I’m still getting what I want so I really don’t care,” he bragged. “Leave the dishes.”“They’re almost done,” she protested when he grabbed her wrist and moved it away from the sink.“They can wait.”“I’ll do them,” Martha offered, placing her now empty wine glass beside the sink.Kate sighed. “You didn’t even have dinner with us, you shouldn’t have to do our dishes.”“I insist. Go,” Martha fluttered her hand in the air, dismissing them. “Enjoy the movie.”Castle passed Kate a towel for her to dry her hands. Once she was done, he took it from her and placed it on the counter, then grabbed her hands and lead her to the lounge.Alexis and Ashley were already sitting on a bed of cushions on the floor, getting the first movie set up for them all.Castle flopped down into the corner of the lounge, bringing Kate down with him. She landed, somewhat gracefully, on the cushion beside him. He reached behind her, grabbing the throw blanket from the back of the couch and tossing it over their legs.“Is the blanket necessary?” she asked. The loft was a comfortable 70 degrees, and they were both wearing jeans.“The blanket is a must for maximum comfort,” Alexis stated. “Cushions, too. In winter, we start the first movie with hot cocoa. Dad and Gram usually have a cold beverage during the first movie. Movie two is when we bring out the snacks.”“You know, once dinner has settled,” Castle added to his daughter’s explanation.“Do you guys do this often?”“Oh, any excuse for a movie marathon, we jump on it,” Castle said.Alexis started the movie, and Martha rushed to turn off the lights before settling into the armchair.After a few minutes – once everyone had settled into the darkness and was focussed on the movie – Castle moved his hand under the blanket, snaking it through the soft material until it came across her hand. He glided his fingertips down her palm until he could lace them through her fingers.She smiled, blushed like a schoolgirl with a crush. She was already glad she had stayed.The end credits rolled, but no one made a sound.She had drifted off not even halfway into the movie, her head slowly inching closer and closer to Castle’s shoulder until he felt the weight of her pressed against him. He knew he probably should have woken her up, but instead he shifted himself so that she would rest more comfortably against him. After about fifteen minutes, she moved her arms, wrapping them around him securely.The others didn’t notice until the movie was almost done. His mother noticed first. He watched as she took in the sight of Beckett asleep in her son’s arms, watched as she became lost in thought, most likely thinking about the complexity of their current situation. He knew his mother worried, but when she simply smiled to herself, and went back to watching the movie, he knew she was starting to see the possibilities he could see.He placed his arm across her shoulders, brushing her hair back from where it draped across her neck. The gentle brush of his knuckles along her neck and shoulder was enough to begin stirring her from her sleep.“Hey,” he whispered in her ear.“I’m so sorry,” she mumbled into his chest, rubbing her eyes.He gently held her hand, pulling it away from her face. He didn’t want to pull her too far out of her peaceful slumber. “Shh,” he soothed, helping her tired body move. “Let’s get you to bed.”“I need to go home,” she tried to protest.He rose, gripped her waist, and helped her to her feet, holding her steady. “You are in no shape to drive.”He wrapped his arm around her waist, and she leaned into him. Together they began to walk toward his bedroom. With each step, she pressed into him more, her need for sleep building up again. He wondered just how poorly she had been sleeping lately, for her to be this lethargic. Then, suddenly, her brain must have comprehended what was happening.She pushed herself away from him, almost prying herself from his arms. “Hold on, where are we going?”He stifled a laugh; he shouldn’t find her so adorable when she’s half asleep. “To bed.”“Your bed?” she asked, although she knew very well that she was headed in the direction of his bedroom.“I will not be joining you,” he eased her mind. Tonight had been great, but he wasn’t planning on rushing anything. Especially not with his family in the vicinity, all eyes on them.“Oh.”“Come on.” He started to lead her toward his bedroom again, but she was more alert now, he didn’t need to hold her up anymore.Once in his room, they separated. She stood awkwardly at the foot of his bed as he rummaged through his drawers. He pulled out an old t-shirt and a pair of boxers that most definitely wouldn’t fit her, but would be more comfortable to sleep in than her jeans and blouse.“Get some rest,” he said, placing the makeshift pyjamas on the end of the bed for her. He reached out for her hand, giving it a gentle squeeze. “Good night.”“Night,” she whispered. He started to walk away. “Castle?”He stopped, turned back to her. “Yeah?”“Thank you, for taking care of me.”
He smiled. “Always.”
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
May 14, 2011
She was comfortable in his shirt. It was too big, and twisted around her body awkwardly when she rolled over, but she didn't mind. She felt safe all wrapped up in his luxuriously plush comforter. Settling into his bed, melting into his sheets, it should have felt unnatural. It should have felt all kinds of wrong, but it didn't. She felt at ease, peaceful, as she drifted off to sleep again, easier than she had in weeks.It was a little past 1am when she was pulled from her sleep by the sound of her phone ringing in the distance. She sluggishly pulled herself upright, searching the nightstand for the offending device.She rubbed her eyes, threw the comforter back and pulled herself from the bed. She grumbled as she dug through her jeans, discarded in the corner of the room, until she found which pocket she had left the phone in."Beckett," she answered, forcefully removing the frustration from her voice. She had, after all, volunteered for this. "Mmhmm. Text me the address, I'll be there in thirty."She scrubbed her hand over her face, trying to dissolve the last traces of sleepiness. Now would usually be when she'd jump in the shower for a minute or two to wake herself up, but that wasn't an option this morning. She
should
have gone home when she had the chance...She slipped into her jeans, stuffed her phone back into her pocket. She put on her blouse, buttoning it up as quickly as she could but tired fingers slowed her down.She slowly opened the bedroom door. Light from the TV illuminated the entire loft, shadows dancing along the walls as the pictures on the screen moved. She walked toward the kitchen, moving slowly as to not make too much noise. She grabbed her keys from where she had left them on the bench, the slight scratch of metal on stone drawing the attention of the two teens away from their movie, startled."Sorry," Kate whispered as she tiptoed toward the lounge."Are you leaving?" Alexis asked, softly."Yeah, got called into work," Kate explained, looking at the lump of blankets on the lounge, Castle buried underneath them, fast asleep. She tilted her head to get a better look at him, his face poking out from the soft fortress he had made.She crouched down beside him, brushed the stray lock of hair from his forehead. She couldn't help but smile when he smiled in response to her touch.He looked so peaceful, she considered leaving him there. But she had heard him complain many times about falling asleep on the couch, and the effects it had on his back the next day. So, if
she
wasn't using his bed, he should be."Castle," she whispered softly as she leaned closer to him, stirring him from his sleep. His eyes fluttered open. "Sorry to wake you. I have to go.""What? Why?" he grumbled into the lounge. "Stay.""Got a case," she explained, combing her fingers through his hair."I'll come, too." He tried to sit upright, but gave up halfway and flopped back down. His eyes struggled to stay open. He was in a daze."No, you need sleep," she said with a smile. "You can come to the precinct later, if you still want to.""I can bring coffee. And food.""Thank you."She pushed back that stubborn lock of hair that had fallen over his forehead again, her thumb lingering, slowly brushing over his warm skin. She hesitated, fighting the impulses that surged through her, before ultimately giving in. She leaned forward slowly, pressing a gentle kiss to his forehead."Mmm," Castle moaned, sleepily, as she pulled away. "Do it again. I dare ya."She laughed. "Go to bed, Castle."She rose from her crouched position, waving goodbye to Alexis and Ashley as she left.Kate ducked under the police tape that barricaded the sleepy side-street in the Bronx. Red and blue lights flashed across the pavement, lighting up the brick walls of the buildings that lined the street. Uniformed officers were deterring the half-dozen bystanders, encouraging them to continue on their journeys home."Hey, Lanie. What have we got?" she asked as she approached the bodega.The ME looked up from her seat in the back of the examiner's van. "What are you doing here?""Working." Kate said with a smile, pulling the latex gloves from where she had stuffed them into her pocket and guiding her fingers into them. "What have we got?" she repeated.They entered the small store, Lanie taking the lead. She lead the detective toward the man who lay face down behind the sales counter."ID identifies him as Ramon Fuentes, 43 year old male. He owns the bodega, apparently. COD most likely the gunshot wound to the face," Lanie began to explain, reading the notes from her clipboard."To the face," Kate repeated with a grimace."I'm not seeing any other injuries, so far. He would have died almost instantly.""Almost?" There wasn't all that much that got to her after all the horrific scenes she had seen over her years, but there was something about having to endure a bullet to the face that just didn't sit well."It would have been quick enough," Lanie reassured, allowing a beat for her friend to take on the scene around them. "How was your date?" she asked with a mischievous smile, changing up the subject."It wasn't a date," Kate stated, trying to convince herself as well as Lanie, but she couldn't hide the smile that gentle tugged at the corners of her mouth. "Surely you and Javi have better things to do than talk about
me.""He's worried about you," Lanie explained with a shrug.Kate took a breath. She had been very obviously tiptoeing the edge of a cliff, so close to toppling over, of course her team, her
friends, would be worried. The same way she would be if she were in their position."You can tell him there's no need to be concerned. I'm doing okay, now.""So things with Writer Boy..." Lanie's voice trailed off as she saw two officers approaching."Detective Beckett," one of them greeted.Kate turned around to face them, greeting them both with a smile. "Morning Alvarez, Moore. Fuentes was the bodega owner?" she asked, diving right into the case."Yeah, he usually worked the overnight shift, according to your witnesses," Moore explained."Did you take statements?""No ma'am. One of the witnesses started to panic, became quite chatty. I've taken a few notes but no official statement yet. She is being looked over by a medic.""Okay, thank you."Officers Alvarez and Moore walked away, leaving Beckett to get a start on the witness statements.She turned back to Lanie. "We'll talk later," she promised."We better," Lanie called as Kate walked away. "I'm invested, I need
all
the details," she continued quietly as she crouched to examine the body.8am on the dot, Castle arrived at the precinct with coffee and pastries in hand.After Kate left, he dragged himself from the couch and tucked himself into bed. His pillow was warm, and still smelled very subtly of cherries and vanilla and something floral, of
her. For an hour, he fought a war in his head, the battle of
what next, before finally succumbing to sleep again.He dreamt of her, of course. Of their perfect night together, replaying each touch, each look. Even their interrupted moment hadn't put a damper on the night. In his dream, he allowed himself to curl up in bed beside her, to hold her as she slept, to watch as she dreamt of them, their future, their baby. His dreams were always so
simple.But real life was never that simple. Real life was complex. In real life, their perfect night together was nothing more than a painful reminder of what he was lacking right now. A reminder of what was so close to be within reach, and yet still so far away. A reminder of how lonely he felt, how isolating this whole situation was for him, how much he
missed
his friend. Because in this in between, she didn't even feel like
that
anymore.He stopped, just short of the elevator, when his phone began to vibrate against his leg, his ringtone echoing out just seconds after. Shuffling to rearrange the breakfast in his hands, he balanced the the beverages and retrieved his phone from his pocket."Castle," he greeted, holding the phone to his ear."Hey, Castle. Did I wake you?""No, I actually just got to the precinct." He held the phone steady with his shoulder, reaching forward to push the button that would call the carriage to his level. "Just waiting for the elevator.""Oh, where are you?""Ground floor."The elevator bell chimed and the metal doors opened, revealing his partner standing centred in the carriage, phone pressed to her ear.She smiled brightly as their eyes locked. "Hey stranger."Her voice echoed through the receiver with a slight delay - only a fraction of a second -
stranger. He knew she had meant it as a joke, a play on the fact that they had just spent the night in each others company, but it felt fitting considering how much he was missing her. He straightened his head, the phone dropping from his shoulder into his waiting hand, and ended the call."Good morning," he said as she exited the elevator. "What are you doing?""I was just calling you to tell you not to come in." She tucked her phone into her pocket. "I didn't expect you so early."He looked her up and down, taking in her demeanour, her appearance. She seemed... light, airy.
Relaxed. "Are you heading out?""Home." She stepped aside, leading him to the side of the hallway so they could continue their conversation without being in anyone's way. "Everything is all wrapped up here.""What?" he exclaimed: a little impressed, a little disappointed. He checked his watch. "Case closed in seven hours? That's got to be a record.""Surprisingly, it's not," she informed him with a smile. "We got lucky - witnesses, guilty conscience. We had a confession within a few hours.""Oh.""Don't look so disappointed, Castle," she said with a slight laugh.But working a case had been his excuse to see her, to see if the simplicity of their time together last night had been authentic or not. Last night he had been so ready to commit himself to her, to tell her that he didn't need anymore time, that he trusted she was doing everything she needed to do and that they could work this out. But as soon and he was left to his own devices, the doubts crept back in."Right." He straightened his shoulders, replaced his disappointment with a smile. "What are your plans for today?""Well, I'm still on call so I
was
going to go home and try to get a little sleep, just in case I get called back in.""Right. That's probably a good idea." His attention drifted to the cups in his hands, his ring finger beginning to cramp from the way it was uncomfortably curled around the paper bag of pastries, desperately clinging to it and holding it against the bottom of the cardboard cup. "Well, these are for you."He held out his hand, passing her the cup and bag."Thank you," she said, taking them from him. "Are you going to join me?"He looked around the lobby, to the officers and detectives that were coming and going, then back to his partner."Uh, no. I, uh- I have to do something. But, uh, talk later?""Yeah, of course." She watched him walk away, a little unsure of what just happened.She was fidgety, anxious, pacing around her living room as Lanie's voice tried to comfort her through the phone."Are you sure?" her friend asked, feeling every ounce of pain Kate was."I'm sure. He's pulling away again." She lowered herself into the corner of her couch, toyed with the corner of the cushion. "I screwed up.""What happened?""Everything seemed fine," she explained, thinking back to her interactions last night with Castle. The closeness, the ease, his teasing
'do it again, I dare ya'
when she kissed him goodbye. "It was like he couldn't get away quick enough this morning."A sigh crackled through the cell receiver. "You sure it isn't your mind playing tricks on you, again? I mean, he went to the precinct to see you.""I don't know," she conceded, hanging her head back against the couch. "I hate this."This: the doubt, the nerves, the selfish unloading of her burdens onto her friend."I know, sweetie. But, you know what you gotta do now?"She swallowed, hard. She had to stop
avoiding
the problem, she had to face it head on. "Talk to Castle.""Yeah."A knock on the door caught her off guard. She sat up, alert, curious. "Hold on, Lanie. Someone's at the door."She rose from the couch, walked toward the door to peep through the peephole. Castle stood on the other side of the door, nervously fidgeting with his hands.She opened the door without hesitation, relieved to see him, despite his apparently nervousness."I'm gonna have to go," she spoke into the phone, hanging up once Lanie had said a rushed goodbye."Didn't mean to interrupt," Castle said apologetically as she invited him into the apartment."Not at all." She closed the door behind them and ushered him toward the lounge room. "I wasn't expecting you to come over.""I didn't want to call, just in case you were asleep. Didn't wanna wake you."She nodded, appreciating the thoughtfulness. They stood in silence for a moment, an awkward air passing over them, but she didn't want to settle into it. "Do you want a drink or something?""No. No thanks." He nervously shuffled toward her, hand resting on the kitchen counter, leaning the way he did when he was trying to feign nonchalance. "I, uh, I wanted to talk to you about last night."Her heart sank, her mind racing with a million different things he might possibly want to say: most of which were something along the lines of
'last night was a mistake...'She couldn't blame him, though. How many times had she fallen into the trap of getting
too
comfortable, acting
too
familiar and then, in the wake of it all, having to reset those boundaries she had crossed. She always felt horrible having to do that, but
boy
did it suck being on the other end of it.She could try to convince herself that this conversation wasn't headed in that direction - that he wanted to talk about how
right
it felt, how he wanted to spend that quality time with her every single day for the rest of his life - but his tone of voice wasn't at all reassuring. Neither was the solemn look on his face. No, this was definitely
not
going to be
that
conversation.But she put on a brave face, forced the smile she knew they both needed right now. The reassurance that, even though they were both broken and bruised by the precarious nature of
them, they would make it out alive. Together or not. He didn't need to feel guilt for leaving, not when she had made it near impossible to stay."What about last night?" She searched for some clue in the depths of his ocean blues. A storm of emotion brewed there, threatening to sink this ship."Something you said has been bothering me," he continued. "You said that talking to each other was complicated."With a furrowed brow, she slowly shook her head, confused. "Isn't it?"
She sure felt like it was."It shouldn't be. You don't see that as a bad sign?""No. No, I don't," she insisted. "Talking to you about
literally
anything else is as easy as breathing. It's just this particular situation-""Right, but if we can't talk to each other about this..." his voice trailed off, eyes glued to the floor as he tried to finish his thought coherently."I just don't want to hurt you," she said.Because her thoughts would hurt him. Her lack of faith - in herself, in him, in their future together - would hurt him. Her anger, her confusion, her lack of feeling for the baby would hurt him. Her silent prayers that she would wake up and this all have been a bad dream would hurt him. She knew they would, because they hurt
her."I'm hurt, Kate. Everything about this hurts and not being about to turn to each other, not being able to rely on each other... that doesn't make it hurt any less. I need my
friend, but she's hiding.""Not anymore. Not hiding.""But for how long?" His words were like an arrow to the heart.How long before she reset the boundaries,
again.How long before she let him down,
again."I've spent this week thinking about everything," he continued. "I just wanted to say that regardless of
our
situation, if the baby is mine I will be the best father I can. I will love and provide for my child.""I know that.""I know we are just weeks from finding out paternity, but I don't want to wait anymore. I stand by what I originally said: I'm in, whatever the results."Her stomach dropped, her breath caught in her lungs. Like a dip on a roller coaster, like expecting the cart to turn right but it swings hard to the left, his words were unexpected.He stepped closer, taking her hands in his. "I'm not expecting this to be easy. I'm not expecting you to embrace all these changes overnight. I know we've got a battle ahead of us. But I need more from you.""Whatever you want from me, whatever it takes to show you I'm in, too, I'll do it."He had given her a tiny shred of hope, and she would cling to it."I need you to be open to me. I need to know what's going on in that head of yours.
Talk
to me about your doubts, don't bury them. Don't push me away when you're scared.""I won't.""Even if you're scared of hurting me, I can almost guarantee you now,
nothing
you can say hurts me as much as you do when you push me away.""I promise you, Castle, I'm done keeping you on the outside."He smiled, joyous and light, his happiness crinkling in the corners of his eyes. He felt...
unburdened. However temporary the feeling may be, he was going to cherish it while he could.He could see the tears in Kate's eyes, relief threatening to spill free at any moment. He released his hold on one of her hands, lifting it to smooth his thumb over her cheek. Slowly, he leant in and pressed a soft, loving kiss to her lips.Alexis sat at the kitchen counter; textbooks, notepad and laptop set up in front of her. She was supposed to be studying, but she couldn't get her mind off the worry she felt.Her dad had seemed...
off. All afternoon he had been distracted, preoccupied. The same distant person he had been
too
often lately.Usually, he was an open book. Usually, he would talk rather openly about whatever was occupying his thoughts. But not when it came to detective Beckett. He protected her, like a secret he was sworn to keep.She looked up, over her shoulder, when she heard the door open. It was late, he had missed the dinner she had cooked."Leftovers are in the fridge," she informed him, voice void of emotion. She wouldn't let him know that she was upset. There was no point."Thanks pumpkin." He walked over to the kitchen, placing a kiss to the top of her head as he passed. "You're up late.""You're
out
late," she returned instantaneously. "Were you with detective Beckett?""Yeah, I was.""Is she okay?""Why wouldn't she be?"She shrugged. "Last night, she seemed... I don't know. Different, I guess.""She's fine," he answered, too quickly. "Look, I wanted to thank you for last night. I know you've been upset, but I appreciate you letting her join us.""You wanted her to stay." That was the only reason she backed down,
for him."Yeah, I did." He smiled softly before moving to the refrigerator to dig out the leftovers.She wanted to leave it at that, but she just couldn't understand. Why did he put himself through this? What was it about Beckett that kept him going back after she hurt him.She liked the detective, and she could see that the relationship between her father and Beckett had influenced him positively. But whatever had happened between them months ago, it had crushed him. It was hard to watch."How do you do it?" she asked after a few moments of silence. "How do you forgive so easily?"He sighed, placing the leftover dinner into the microwave. "It's complicated, Alexis.""Isn't it always?"He looked at her and shrugged. "Some people are just,
worth it.""Worth heartache and pain?" she asked incredulously."I meant they're worth forgiveness. But, to a certain extent: yes, some people are worth heartache and pain.""Why?" she pushed."They just
are.""That isn't an answer," she started to get more upset at his diverting answers. "How do you know she won't hurt you again?"He took a breath. "I don't," he said truthfully."And you're okay with that?""I'm not a
cut my losses
kind of guy.""Maybe you should be.""I know you're saying this because you care, but you don't know what's going on.""Then tell me," she pleaded, desperation thick in her throat.He had always kept his personal life hidden from her so that she wasn't exposed to his heartbreaks. But the older she got, the more she saw. It wasn't that he stopped hiding things, it was just that she was more intuitive, picked up on his moods easier. And she knew something wasn't right here."It's-""Complicated," she interrupted, rolling her eyes. "Right.""It's none of your business," he snapped.She dropped her pen onto her notebook and leant back into the barstool. She knew she had crossed a line, she knew she should apologise, but she also knew she had every right to be concerned about him given the ups and downs of these past few weeks."Alexis..." he started, apologetically.But she didn't want his apologies. "I'm allowed to express an opinion."And her opinion was that he was being reckless, gambling a good thing on what could be fleeting feelings."Yes, you're entitled to your opinions and you have every right to express them. But your opinion doesn't change how I feel about her. It doesn't change the fact that we are going to be a family.""A family?" she laughed. "What am I supposed to call her
'mom'
now?"He hesitated slightly. "No."Her smile faded as confusion grew.
A family?He waited, patiently, waiting for her to process. She could see it on his face: the anxiousness, the regret. He had let slip something he hadn't meant to.Realisation dawned on her.
A family."Dad, is detective Beckett pregnant?"
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
May 15, 2011
He hadn't managed more than a few measly hours of sleep, tossing and turning, regretting so many of his little missteps.He hadn't meant to spring the news on Alexis. He had planned on telling her as soon as they found out the paternity of the child. Knowing the paternity would have made it a significantly easier conversation. Either 'Alexis, you're going to have a sibling'
or 'Alexis, Kate and I are giving this a real go. Oh, by the way, she's pregnant but I'm okay with it'.Yes, much easier than the complicated mess that was their current reality. A reality he didn't particularly want to bring his daughter in on. So, in lieu of enlightening her, he allowed her to make her assumptions and storm off to her bedroom. Not his finest moment as a parent, but it bought him some time to figure out exactly
how
much she actually needed to know.He poured the first of the pancake batter onto the pan, wiping the edge of the bowl with his finger so that batter didn't drip onto the bench.He heard a voice from the stairs.“You’re up early.”He looked up to see a tired looking Alexis slowly descending."Couldn't sleep," he said simply. No point in excuses."Same." She stood awkwardly by the dining table, watching as he flipped his first pancake. "Are you mad at me?""I've always encouraged you to express yourself: emotions, opinions, the good and the bad," he said, moving his attention from his breakfast to his daughter. "I'd be a little hypocritical if I got mad as soon as you expressed an opinion that differed to mine."She didn't say anything, just stared at the ground fidgeting with the sleeve of her sleep shirt."Are you okay, after everything?" he asked, a little anxious to know her truthful answer.Whether he liked it or not, she was a stakeholder in this. It didn't matter how much he tried to distance her from his romantic life, his relationships affected her. She had every right to be cautious, to feel whatever emotions that this situation provoked.But, at the end of the day, it was
his
relationship,
his
heart that he would listen to.She shrugged, moving toward the kitchen and perching herself on one of the counter stools."I'm worried you're making a mistake," she confessed."We all make mistakes." He lifted the pancake from the pan and slapped it onto the plate he had set out for himself. "It's what makes us human," he added, pouring more batter into the pan."But if you can stop yourself from making a mistake, shouldn't you?"He could hear the concern in her voice, so genuine. He knew this wasn't coming from a place of malice or malevolence, just love. Pure, misguided love. Something he was
very
familiar with."The mistake has already been made," he urged.
The mistake has been made, now we're moving forward. "We rushed into things. That was our mistake. She was fresh out of a relationship. Neither of us were really ready for what being together actually meant. It got complicated too quickly.""And now she's pregnant," she spat with a bitterness he resented seeing in his usually sweet daughter. The turbulent situation was taking its toll on everyone. "Doesn't it bother you knowing she
probably
only came back because she was pregnant?""Yes," he confirmed. "I was furious."
Furious, hurt, confused.
"But you forgave her.""I prioritised," he explained simply. "I could stay mad about what
could
have been, or I could accept what
is."Alexis crossed her arms in front of her, leaning them against the counter with a huff."I thought you liked her?" he asked, seizing the opportunity to try and get to the root of this problem. "It seemed like you liked her.""I did. I mean, I
do. I just..." she took a deep breath, trying to find the words to efficiently explain herself. "It's like you met her and... everything changed. You're not the same person you used to be.""And that's a bad thing?""Not necessarily. The opposite, in fact. The person you are now is great. But you've changed so much,
for her, and she acts like it's still not enough. I just don't want you to lose yourself.""I haven't changed for her. I've changed
because
of her." He set his spatula down, leaning on the bench so that they were face to face. "Because of you, and Gram, because I'm older, because I've been exposed to more, experienced more. We all need change, we all need experiences, no matter how they end, good or bad they make us who we are."He allowed the silence to settle, knowing she was processing his words, that he was getting through to her."Experiences like...
Stanford?" she asked, a smirk toying at the corners of her mouth.He was a little proud of how she worked that in there. A little sad, and a little annoyed that he had unknowingly just argued a very valid reason for 'letting go'
of her. But proud, nonetheless."Yeah, like Stanford."He flopped the second pancake onto the plate with the first, sliding it toward her. He grabbed the syrup, sliding it toward her too."Eat your pancakes," he muttered, not quite willing to accept defeat.She smiled at the reprieve he offered, opening the bottle of syrup and pouring it over the fresh pancakes."Thanks, Dad."She stayed in bed, opting out of her morning run. She was too tired, too comfortable. And a storm was coming, brewing somewhere in the distance.She could hear the low rumble of thunder, feel the tension in the atmosphere as clouds grew heavy with rain. She could feel it in her chest, in her throat. It was thick, it was suffocating.But she couldn't see it. No, the skies were blue. The forecast was clear. Not a cloud in sight.This storm was in her head. In her heart. Because she had been conditioned to know that nothing good ever lasted. And right now, life was
good.Complicated, yes. But
good.She wondered, just for a moment, exactly how
open
with Castle she had to be. Did she need to tell him that she was already, merely 12 hours after their conversation, battling the demons within? That her dreams had been spoiled by scenes of him leaving, of her slowly poisoning him with her love? That she had woken up in a cold sweat, on the verge of tears, because she was still so scared of becoming a mother?She inhaled deeply, allowing the negative thoughts to dissipate as she exhaled. She could do this. She could dive right in, not let the fear take over, not let the fear ruin it. She just had to stay focused on the goal, on what she truly wanted. Raising a child seemed a little less terrifying knowing that she would have Castle by her side.Lazily, she rolled onto her stomach, reaching for her phone on the nightstand. She opened her messages, to see an unread text from Lanie.
You talk to Castle yet?
She rolled her eyes, smiling. Her friend never did beat around the bush. Straight to the point, always. That was something she loved about Lanie. She rolled back over and sinking into the fort of pillows she had built last night, trying to get comfortable, she typed out her reply.Less than 60 seconds after tossing her phone into the cushiony comforter, it began to ring. She dug it out again, answering with a smile."That was quick," she said, laughing, bypassing any sort of greeting."Everything is good? That's all I get?" Her friend was also not willing to waste time with formalities, apparently."What else do you want?" she asked, acting confused. She knew
exactly
what Lanie wanted."Details!"She let out another low chuckle, pleased with herself for predicting exactly where this conversation was headed."There are no details.""Girl." Her friend's voice was low, warning, but playful.She could envision Lanie's face as clearly as if she had been standing in the room. Her
don't play with me
expression; her arms crossed over her chest."I promise, if there were details, I'd share." She paused for a quick moment, before continuing. "Maybe.""I'm envisioning some big romantic event," Lanie mused out loud."Like the slow motion run through the airport?""Something like that.""No," she said bluntly, bursting her friend's bubble. "This is real life, Lanie. Not one of your shows.""Yes, but it is also Richard Castle we are talking about.”Kate laughed, softly. Lanie
did
have a fair point."I got to go, Javi is awake. But don't think you're off the hook. We'll talk later.""Kay, bye."The line disconnected and she was left with the silence of her apartment. The small, positive interaction had worked wonders for starting to settle that internal storm. She smiled, relaxed into the pillows, reassured that
yes, she
could
do this. She could dive right in, and everything would be okay.She wasn't even disheartened by the onset of the now-familiar pull of nausea that was beginning to settle deep in her stomach."Right on time," she groaned, breathing through the first crash of waves.The nausea remained...
tolerable. The waves continued to rush over her relentlessly but, either she was getting
too
used to this, or its intensity was beginning to subside. Apart from a few moments of uncertainty, she was able to push through and continue on with her morning.Not that she had much planned. It was nearing 11am and she was still just lounging around in her pyjamas, reading a book. She was just getting to the good part when a knock at her door pulled her back to reality.She dropped the book to her lap, briefly considering ignoring the intrusion, but ultimately deciding against doing so. She stuffed a scrap piece of paper into the book to mark her spot, then placed it on the coffee table, rising to her feet. As she walked to the door, she pulled the hair tie from her hair, freeing the sloppily crafted ponytail. A quick peek through the peephole had her feeling much better about her uninvited visitor.She opened the door with a smile. She hadn't expected him, but it was a pleasant surprise."Hey, Castle.”"Hey," he replied, significantly less enthusiastic than she was.He offered a small smile as he entered her apartment, but she could see the effort he had to put into it.Her smile faded. "What's wrong?"She shut the door behind them, taking his hand and leading him to the sofa."Alexis," he muttered, not offering any further explanation. He sunk into the sofa cushions, gripping her waist to guide her down beside him, close enough to press into his side. "It's fine.""Are you sure?" She rested her head on his shoulder, savoured the feel of his arms wrapping around her. She felt secure, protected, loved. But she couldn't ignore the obvious sorrow Castle was feeling. "You want to talk about it?"He turned his head, rested his lips gently against her forehead."No," he whispered, kissing her hairline. "Just want to be here."He felt the slight sting of guilt, having asked her to be an open book and then not opening up to her. But, she seemed to accept his reluctance, nuzzling into him further. This was exactly what he needed.She wrapped both her hands around his, intertwining their fingers and stroking her thumb along his in slow, soothing motions. There they stayed, just taking this moment to be with each other, to breathe each other in. His presence calming her as much as hers was calming him."Do you have plans for the day?""No." She pulled her head from the pillow of his chest, looking up at him. "Did you want to do something?""I have an idea." He placed a kiss to her temple before pulling himself from his position on the couch. "Get dressed."He grabbed her hands, pulled her to her feet."Let me know if you need help," he added with a suggestive waggle of his eyebrows, earning him an enthusiastic eye roll."The mall?" she urged for clarification. His big idea was...
the mall?"The mall," he confirmed with a smile, grabbing her hand as they walked through the car park."You made me change out of comfy sweatpants for
the mall?" she joked...
kind of.They entered the building and were immediately met with a crowd of people: teenagers hanging out in small groups; mothers desperately trying to keep their toddlers from melting down from the overstimulation; people rushing to finish their errands before the work week started again. The echo of hundreds of conversations, the hustle of hordes of people moving around her already had her feeling less than great."Castle-""Look, I just..." he interrupted her before she could finish her complaint, but he needed a moment to string together the words, to really
sell
this idea to her. "I was thinking about you and the baby and I just, I think we're ready to buy the first baby related item.""You want to buy baby stuff?" She hoped she misheard him; she wasn't ready for this."It's like a rite of passage," he explained. "You're out running errands or something and you
happen
to see a tiny pair of baby socks and you
know
that it's way too early to be buying the big-ticket items like nursery furniture, but the socks are just too damn cute, you can't resist."She listened intently, but it was like he was speaking another language."You want to buy baby socks?" she summarised.He sighed. He should have known she wouldn't understand."No, I want
you
to want to buy socks."He led her into a little boutique that sold all things maternity and baby. Clothes for mom and bub, pumps, bottles, blankets, toys. You name it, they sold it.He vowed to himself to take it easy on her, he knew she was struggling with this, and he had assured her he didn't expect that to change overnight. But that didn't mean he couldn't help the process a little, right?Together they moved through the store, taking in the options before them: aisles of toys; racks of clothing; display tables of the newest 'must have' accessories for baby and mom. He had to admit, the variety
was
a little overwhelming."Do babies even wear socks?" she asked as she half-heartedly browsed the pile of bibs stacked on the table in front of her. "I thought most onesies had little foot things.""Okay, you're focusing a little
too much
on the sock part. It doesn't have to be socks, just-" He sighed, maybe this
was
too much too soon. "You know what? Never mind."He turned to walk away but she reached out and grabbed his hand before he could get too far."No, I'm sorry," she said, her eyes pleading with him to give her another chance. "Let's go find something
too cute to resist.""You know if you get socks, I'm going to know you're just doing it to appease me, right?""I'm 100% just doing this to appease you, Castle," she confessed. "But fine, no socks."Dropping his hand, she walked over to the racks of clothes. Tiny garments hung from miniature clothes hangers, organised by size and colour. She immediately headed for the more neutral tones, while Castle moved to the colourful side of the rack."I think the planning behind this kind of defeats the purpose of the activity," she mused as she flicked tiny hangers along the rail to check out what cutesy embellishments each item of clothing."Yeah, a little," he said, as he did the same.He stopped his browsing, distracted by a cream-coloured bodysuit with rainbow sleeves. As he read the words on the front, he saw an opportunity he
couldn't
pass up.His humour had gotten him in trouble before, many times. But he took the gamble, pulling it from the rack and holding it up for Kate to see.She narrowed her eyes as she read the wording on the suit:
I love my daddies."Seriously, Castle?""Too soon?"She pressed her lips together in a fine line, trying to repress the smile his proud smirk brought out. Not the most tasteful joke, but she was glad he was able to find humour in the situation. Laughing his way through anything: that was how she knew she hadn't completely ruined him."Maybe next time," she jested, making her way around the rack to stand closer to him.He placed the clothing back on the rack before opening his arm to welcome her against his body. He guided her toward the next display, not expecting her to find anything but at least she was still looking, still
appeasing
his need for this.After a few perfectly synchronised steps together, he felt her pull away, distracted by something. He looked over to see her running her finger over the soft material petals of a flower headband that had caught her attention. It may have only been a few seconds, but he was almost certain this was as good as he was going to get."I think we've found your pair of socks," he said.She looked up at him, brow creased."And if the baby is a boy?"He shrugged."He'll be a very pretty boy, with a very pretty flower."She smiled, tried to hide the little laugh.
Yes, a very pretty flower."It's a two-dollar headband. Not exactly a big waste of money if it never actually gets used. Especially if it helps the bonding.""Bonding?"He took the headband from the hook it hung on, holding it up."This tiny little bit of elastic and silk makes
this-" He placed a hand on her hip, drawing his thumb across her lower abdomen. "It makes this
real."She was too slow to stop the instinctive eye roll."I think the constant nausea does a pretty good job at making this seem
real, Castle.""You know, I don't think I've heard you refer to it as
your
baby."His words took her by surprise, stating something that was seemingly apparent, but she hadn't even noticed."What?""You always say
the
baby."Because
my baby
just didn't seem right. She didn't want
my baby; she wanted
their baby...
our baby."Does it matter?" she huffed.He didn't mean to start an argument - if that's what this was - but yes, it did matter."Can we not do this here, please?" she begged.He pulled his hand from her, passing the headband back to her with a gentle smile."I'm not going to force this, just know that I'm here when you're ready."She stared up at him, his eyes so understanding, so patient. He was trying so hard to make this easier for her, while still giving her gentle nudged to keep moving forward. That's all he wanted, to keep moving forward."Babies have little heads," she said, trying to move past the tense
almost-conversation."What?" He laughed at the absurdity."This headband is going to be the size of his head," she clarified.He smiled at her use of pronouns."You think the baby is going to be a boy?""My
baby." She forced the words, surprised at how
easily
they came out. She smiled. "A very pretty boy, with a very pretty flower."She looked at the band in her hands. It's so unnecessary, and she still doesn't really understand how it makes this any more 'real' than it already is, but he seemed happy that she'd picked something.She looked over to the opposite side of the store, toward the maternity clothes. She knew she would probably be needing something soon, her jeans would only last so long, so she took the opportunity to
appease
Castle further."Can we maybe have a look for, I don't know, work pants or something?""Of course." He grabbed her hand and walked toward the maternity clothes.He would buy her the whole store if she asked for it. But he knew that would be the next argument,
money. And, so, he let her take the lead, picking out and paying for whatever she was comfortable with.
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
May 16, 2011 (8w5d)
She wasn't ready. He got that, he really did. But
boy
was he eager for the day she would let him stay with her, let him hold her as they curled up in bed and drifted off to sleep.Coming home to his empty bed after being with her - kissing her, touching her, wanting her - was
hard.But maybe he wasn't ready, either. Not after how
colossally
everything fell apart last time.His imagination wasn't helping, though. Kate would give him an inch, a little taste of what would be his soon enough, and his mind would run a mile with it. It started with dreams - nothing he wasn't used to, if he was being totally honest - but now he was sitting in a conference room daydreaming about their one shared night together, practically salivating in anticipation, when he was
supposed
to be focusing."You alright, Rick?" Gina's voice brought him back to reality. Her voice, or the harsh stab of her shoe into his shin under the table."Hmm, what?" He looked around, expectant eyes on him. He straightened his posture - he had missed something
important."The cover art," Gina prompted, motioning to the newly unveiled poster board behind her."Oh, yeah." He smiled and nodded his approval to the stakeholders in the meeting.
Couldn't they have emailed this?
"Looks good.""I think Rick's just pulled a few too many all nighters." His publisher smiled, excusing his behaviour to the team of men and women in suits that sat around the conference table. "Writing the next best seller. Right, Rick?"If looks could kill, he'd be dead on the floor."Of course." He smiled, turning on the charm she had obviously expected from him. "The next Heat is going to be
wild."Well, he hoped it would. Truthfully, he hadn't written a word. He had plenty of time, but with everything else going on, he probably should get a start on it."Well, we won't keep you from it," one of the suited men said as he stood, buttoning his jacket. "If we have your approval, we will continue on with marketing your new graphic novel."He smiled, standing and leaning across the table to shake the man's hand. The rest of the suits followed, standing and saying their formal farewells. Four, five, six handshakes later and he was free. Gina showed them out of the room, allowing Castle a moment of reprieve.His moment didn't last long, though. She walked back into the room after just a few short minutes."You doing okay, Rick?" she asked, genuinely concerned.He had to give her credit: as much as they didn't get along, as much as he pushed her buttons and drove her insane, and despite everything that had gone down between them, she
genuinely
cared."I'm okay, just a little distracted. Sorry I ruined your meeting.""It's just formalities, no one really wanted to be here. Honestly, this whole thing
could
have been done in an email."He smiled at just how similarly they thought."That's better," she commented on his smile.She slipped the poster into the matte black sleeve that had covered it and passed it to him."I'm sure Alexis will be excited to see this. Your friends at the precinct, too.""Yeah, thanks." He reached out and took the board from her hands."Take care, Rick." She smiled and left.He had rushed straight to the precinct, poster board in hand. The boys had been a measured amount of excited, but that was exactly what he had expected. Kate was his biggest cheerleader at the Twelfth precinct, having been a fan of his work long before they had ever met. She played it down, of course, acted like she didn't really care, even threw in an eye roll or two to keep up appearances. But she had quietly supported him through every venture so far. He would always appreciate that."Where's Beckett?" he asked, looking around the bullpen. "I wanna show her this.""Making her weekly pilgrimage out to the prison to interview Lockwood," Ryan explained.His heart sank. "Oh. Right."Guilt hit first, as he lowered himself into her seat. He should have known; she had been going out there since he was arrested. But her last visit - or what he had assumed was her last visit - was months ago. Since returning from his book tour, she had been here in the precinct every Monday morning."You okay?" Esposito asked."I just didn't realise she was still doing that."Frustration kicked in next. She
shouldn't
be doing that. It wasn't safe for her, not right now. Not while-"Why wouldn't she be?" Ryan chimed in, rising from his chair."No reason." Castle tried to rid himself of the frustration he felt, he didn't want to let on that he was concerned. Not when the two detectives in front of him, slowly inching their way closer to him, were already picking up on something not being
right.Ryan's expression dropped; his voice lost its usual
chirp. "What's going on?"Castle laughed. An overly forced, not at all convincing laugh. "Nothing.""Come on, we aren't stupid," Esposito urged. "She's been on edge, and we know it's not just because of a breakup.""We just want to know that she's okay," Ryan added. "With what happened to Royce...""She's fine," Castle insisted. "She's...
managing."He knew his words didn't mean much to the boys, if anything. They were worried about their friend, a woman they considered to be a
sister
to them."Look, I really- I can't say anything. Just... trust me?"They both nodded. In the end, they did trust that Castle had her back, whatever it was she had been going through."She left earlier than usual, she should be back soon," Esposito offered, a verbal acknowledgement that Castle had his trust.She looked around the room as she waited, reading over the informational posters and memos posted on the walls. There was no new information, nothing she hadn't read before. Nothing here ever changes, she kind of liked that.The
click
of the phone being hung back on the wall drew her attention back to officer Ryker."Lockwood's no longer in Administrative Segregation," the officer informed her with a smile."Where is he?""He was transferred to General Population about an hour ago."Fear filled her, sinking deep to the pit of her stomach and weighing heavy.
This can't be happening."What? He was in Ad-Seg for a reason. You've gotta get him out of there, now!" she ordered."Why? What's the big deal?" Ryker asked, but he picked up the phone and called it in anyway. He trusted her, evidently."There is a prisoner in the General Population, Gary McCallister. Lockwood is going to kill him the first chance he gets."She could see the panic in Ryker's eyes, wide and glued to hers.The next few minutes were a blur as everyone snapped into action. Guards filled the room, pulling out plastic chests of tactical gear. Kevlar vests were passed around, weaponry locked and loaded.Her mind, still reeling with the potential loss of the last links to her mother’s case, struggled to keep up as a vest was thrusted into her arms."Keep to the back." The order was barked, most likely to her. She pulled the vest over her head, strapping it at her side as she followed the group of guards and officers into the prison."We get to McCallister, that's our goal."Weapons drawn, they filed through the common areas. Her eyes searched the faces - some curious, some scared, some completely unbothered - for Lockwood, but he was nowhere to be found. The group merged into a single file as they scaled the stairs toward the cells.
Get to McCallister...
The pace increased steadily once they were free from the felonious crowd. She couldn't tell if it was the adrenaline coursing through her veins, or a very poorly timed bout of morning sickness, but her stomach churned with every rushed step she took and she was becoming dangerously lightheaded.Her panting and rapid heartbeat could have been a sign of her decreasing fitness levels, but the high-pitched ringing that throbbed against her eardrums with every beat of her heart told her that she was on the verge of panic.Her mind was still fighting the reality of the situation. How does something like this even happen?
An accident, they would say. She could see it now, a cleverly crafted story to cover their asses. But she didn't like this story and she was determined to rewrite the ending."Cell 44!"Men in front of her halted, weapons drawn. She manoeuvred around them until she had a clear view: Lockwood standing over a bunk, surrendering. The job was done.Her eyes drifted down to the bloodied body on the bunk. The man's face was covered, but she had no doubt in her mind.McCallister was dead.She was too late.Momentarily, she toppled over the edge of that metaphorical cliff. She couldn't breathe, couldn't think, couldn't do anything. Prison guards dealt with Lockwood, rushing him away while she stumbled in the opposite direction, desperate to regain control of herself.She wrapped her fingers around the cold metal railing of the stairs, holding herself steady. Pulling herself up. Now wasn't the time to spiral. Taking deep breaths, she strode back through the prison, following the path they had taken to get to McCallister's cell.Once she was back through the security checkpoints, she stripped herself of the suffocating Kevlar, tossing it as far away from her as possible. She continued her stride until she was out of the confining concrete walls, sucking in the fresh air as soon as she could.Shakily, she pulled her phone from her pocket and dialled the first number that came to mind. After just a few rings, he answered."Hello?""Dad," she trailed off, trying to keep her emotion at bay, but failing."Katie, what's wrong?"The concern in her father’s voice broke her defences and tears began to well in her eyes."Where are you?" Jim asked, the urgency in his voice increasing. "Are you hurt?""No," she choked. "No, I'm okay. I just-""I'm in Montauk, but I can be wherever you need me by this afternoon, just say the word."She wiped the tears that had managed to spill free. "No, I'm fine,""Katie.""I promise." She took a steadying breath, calming herself enough to be convincing. "When were you planning on coming back to the city?""I'll be home tonight. But if you need me sooner-""No," she cut him off. "Are you free tonight?""Of course." She could hear the stress in his voice easing. "I'll let you know as soon as I am back in the city," he finished."Thank you. Love you.""Love you too, Katie."She had been hiding out in the break room. Captain Montgomery had already been updated on the events of the morning by the time she arrived back at the precinct, and he had passed the information along to her team. When she stepped off the elevator, she felt like all eyes were on her. She could feel the pity, see it in their stares.She knew she was only postponing the inevitable by hiding out, but she needed a moment to recuperate.She busied herself at the coffee machine, ignoring Castle's looming presence as he entered the room. He walked to the opposite side of the room and leaned against the bench, watching."I'm sorry," he said after a few minutes."For what?"She was focussed on the coffee in her hands, the coffee she
knew
she wouldn't actually drink. The smell already had her stomach churning, tightening the knots caused by the events of the morning. But she had to do something, had to settle the uncontrollable tremor of her hands."Lockwood kills Raglan, then he shanks McCallister, both of them ex-cops who had
something
to do with your mother's murder." He felt cruel taunting her with facts so clearly evident, but he was desperate to reiterate just how
dangerous
all of this was. He had hoped she would see this as a sign, but she seemed more determined than ever. "He's cutting off all avenues of your investigation."Give up. He wanted to scream, beg and plead, but he knew she would never walk away from this.He stepped closer to her, his hand reaching out for her. He cautiously brushed his fingertips across her hip, testing the waters. When she didn't pull away, didn't flinch, he braved more. Taking another step closer, he pressed his palm to her lower back.She didn't appreciate the reminder; she was well aware of the situation she found herself in. But she couldn't... she
wouldn't
allow herself to fall into the pits of despair. She had come so far in a few short days, and now she was on the edge of spiralling once again. But she could fight it. She could stay in control. She had to."Castle, he's not cutting them off. He's giving me new ones," she lied, trying to convince herself as much as she was trying to convince him. "I've been going to that prison every week for the last four months to have a staring contest with the devil, and the devil just blinked. This is exactly what I've been looking for."She turned, readying herself to leave the break room, only to be blocked by Esposito. Castle dropped his hand to his side, hoping the touch hadn't been witnessed."Hey, Department of Corrections says the signature used on the transfer order was forged," Esposito started to explain, leaning against the frame of the break room door.Ryan continued: "And the only people with access to those documents at the prison are correctional officers and authorised clerical staff.""Which means bribe or blackmail." She pushed past them and started to walk toward her desk. "I want a full financial work up of every employee in that prison, sworn and civilian. I want to know who is late on their mortgage, who is behind on their child support. Somebody took a hell of a risk cutting Lockwood this transfer, and they had to have been pretty desperate.""You got it," Esposito said, leaving with Ryan to start that process."See?" she said to Castle with a reassuring smile. "Now we got a trail." She placed her freshly made coffee on her desk, but it was evident she wasn't planning on sitting."So where are we going?" Castle asked, striding to keep pace with her."To Lockwood's arraignment. I want to see if we can rattle his cage.""Lockwood doesn't seem like the rattling type," he warned."Not Lockwood," she clarified. "Whoever's holding his leash."He touched his fingers to her wrist, encouraging her to slow her pace. "Is that a good idea?"She hesitated, recognising that familiar pull of diving right into something. The familiar pull of this rabbit hole she kept stumbling upon. She didn't want Castle to worry, but she wasn't certain she could fight this off for too long."I won't engage," she stated. "I'll just be there, be seen. What's the worst that can happen?""You promise?"She knew if she promised, she couldn't break it. They were on such thin ice; she knew one wrong move and he would walk away forever."Promise," she assured him with a smile.She stayed true to her word, despite how badly she wanted to get in Lockwood's face: stir him up, see if he took the bait. He was in a cage... he couldn't hurt her.But she promised. And, right now, all she had was her word.From the moment she entered the courtroom, Lockwood's eyes were on her, burning through her. But she wouldn't flinch, wouldn't let him see the chaos his attack on McCallister had caused inside her head. This was a showdown and Lockwood thought he was winning. She could tell by the smirk on his face.Castle touched her wrist, drawing her attention to him. Together, they slipped into the row of seats and waited.Everything seemed
off, but she couldn't quite pinpoint
what
or
why. The voices around her were nothing but a distant echo as she studied the officers that sat behind Lockwood. He looked at them, purposefully, his eyes conveying a message she wasn't privy to, which only fed her suspicion that something was wrong.The longer she studied them - their demeanour, their uniforms, their interactions - the more anxious she grew. She racked her brain for anything that didn't fit, didn't add up, a
discrepancy
of some kind.That was when she noticed the chrome bands. NYPD used brass.Her hand fell to Castle's thigh, a distracted attempt to garner his attention, but it was too late.Lockwood turned to the officers again."Now," he instructed.One officer turned in their direction, the other two reached down below the seat to grab what she could only suspect was weaponry of some kind. She reached for her gun but saw the first officer throw something their way."Castle, down!"There was a bang, a flash of light, she had to act.She had no information, no idea what was coming for them. She dove on Castle, pushing him to the floor in hopes that the seating around them would offer some sort of protection. Shrapnel, a bomb blast, she had no idea what to expect.She could hear gunfire, the repetitive
pop, a muffled echo. She looked back toward the officers, but her vision was blurred. Smoke filled the room, stinging her irises.The three officers were helping Lockwood escape, shooting anyone who got in their way.
What's the worst that can happen?
She stayed low, trying to orientate herself, flashes of white dancing behind her eyes. She blinked furiously, trying to rid herself of them.Her ears were ringing, a high-pitched echo digging right through into her brain. It was painful, but she managed to push through.She turned back to Castle, to make sure he was alright, hadn't been hurt."Are you okay?" she asked him. She knew she was yelling, but it sounded so distant."Yes. Yeah," he yelled back, still in shock.She could hear people screaming, distant but strong. She had to follow that sound.She pulled herself up, pushed through the heavy double doors and exited the courtroom. She felt weak,
too
weak. She had to lean her whole body weight against the doors just to open them. She crashed through once they opened, falling to the ground.She landed hard, her knees and hands stinging from impact. Her hands tangled with cool metal. In front of her laid Lockwood's chains. He was on the loose, unrestrained,
dangerous.
What's the worst that can happen?
She looked around, taking in the scene before her. Chaos and carnage. People lined the floors on the hall, faces to the ground, too scared to look up. Lockwood was nowhere in sight."Where?" She called out to anyone who was listening. Her voice was gruff, sore."Downstairs," a woman informed her, pointing in the general direction.She pushed herself up, stumbled a little bit but regained her balance after a few steps. Her entire body seemed to be fighting against her as she ran toward the stairs.She threw her shoulder into the door, pushing it open. She had a split second to decide: up or down. Leaning over the guard railing, she looked down and locked eyes with Lockwood through the gaps in the railings.For a moment she feared he was armed, that he would try to shoot her, end this all now. But before either of them had a chance to make a move, Lockwood was grabbed and pulled away to continue on his journey.She followed, cautiously, measuring her pace to make sure she didn't get too close. All her promises to Castle echoed through her head.
I won't engage...
What's the worst that can happen?
She had to be smart about this. If Lockwood's goal was to get away, she could assume that so long as she didn't get
too close, she wouldn't be in immediate danger. That is what she would continue to tell herself, anyway.A single flight of stairs down, she saw a sign for the building’s helicopter pad. To her, that seemed like the most likely escape route. She pushed her way through the door, exiting the stairwell.The dull
whoosh
of the helicopter rotary starting up filled the room, rapidly picking up the pace. She searched the floor, not wanting to be taken by surprise. It was clear, with the exception of a security guard who lay on the floor, bleeding out from being shot.She started to stumble toward him, reluctantly giving up her pursuit to potentially save a life, when a woman dropped to her knees and scurried across to the man. She exchanged glances with the woman, who gave Kate a subtle nod of the head, confirming that she didn't need to assist.Kate forced her legs into motion, again, running toward the exit. The door was heavy, fighting against the whirlwind
from the helicopter blades. The pressure had almost sealed the door, forcing her to push against it with her full body weight. She was more careful this time, more steady, and as the doors finally pushed open, she maintained her balance.The helicopter lifted off, but she wasn't ready to admit defeat. With the last scrap of
fight
she had left in her, she inhaled, aimed her gun and pulled the trigger. Again, and again, and again, until she had emptied her clip into the metal fuselage.She released the breath she was holding, arms dropping to her side as she did. She sucked in another breath, shaky and overwhelmed. The world was spinning, entirely too fast for her to remain steady, to remain calm. She watched as Lockwood and his accomplices flew away.There was nothing left for her to do. She lost.As soon as she lost sight of the getaway vehicle, she dropped to her knees, gasping for the air she suddenly felt deprived of. One hand wiped hair from her face, while the other instinctively pressed to her stomach trying to calm the nauseous churning.It was too loud, too fast, too hard to breathe.She just needed it all to stop, just for a second, just long enough for her to put herself together again.She was filled with grief, but she wouldn't allow herself to cry. Not yet.She pulled herself to her feet, running back inside the building. She stopped by the security guard, kneeling by his side. She knew, just by looking at him, that he was dead. But she reached out and pressed two fingers to his pulse point, just in case."I tried," the woman beside her sobbed. "I tried to save him."Kate placed her hand over the distraught woman's, gaining her attention."Are you hurt?" she asked. The woman shook her head, no. "Help is coming," she promised, before pulling herself to her feet. She had to get back to Castle. She
needed
to be with Castle.She took the stairs two at a time, pushing herself harder than she should have. She was breathless, but she wouldn't stop until she was by his side again, until she knew he was okay.She burst back through the heavy wooden doors, taking a moment to absorb the scene she had abandoned so hastily.She looked to the seats where she had left Castle, but he wasn't there anymore. Panic filled her as her eyes drifted toward the front of the room, scanning every seat, every face they passed until they found him.He was kneeling in front of the judge's bench with two security guards. She watched as he wiped his forehead with his wrist, his hands covered in blood."Castle!"His eyes followed the sound of her voice, relief filling them when he found her. He straightened his hunched position, exposing his blood-stained abdomen.Her heart sank, crowding her already nauseous pit of her stomach. She felt like the air had been sucked from the room.
He was hurt..."You got this?" he asked one of the guards beside him. They nodded, taking Castle's place to begin assisting the wounded lawyer she hadn't been able to see before.Castle rose to his feet, rushing toward her. Instinctively, her hands reached to him, gliding across his abdomen with such desperation. She felt around for any signs that he had been hit, that he was hurt."It's not my blood, Kate," he assured her in a hushed tone. He wiped his bloodied hands on his shirt - it was already ruined - before placing them on her shoulders. "Kate!"She stopped her frenzied search, trusting his voice to be her clarity instead. She pulled her eyes from the deep crimson discolouration of his shirt, focussing on the blue of his eyes instead."Are you okay?"She nodded, but it was as if she couldn't talk, couldn't form the words.
What's the worst that can happen?
She kept replaying her words. How could she have been so
stupid?Uniformed officers swarmed the room, guns drawn. She had to snap out of it, force herself back into work mode, pull on her mask and swallow down her grief."You should get checked over," he said."I-I'm fine." she stuttered,
finally
able to get words out."You look like you're in shock."Her mind screamed,
I thought I'd gotten you shot!She was processing, her brain desperately trying to catch up after everything had unravelled so quickly. And, yes, maybe a little bit in shock. But she didn't have time to dwell on anything. Not with Lockwood out there,
somewhere.She shook her head. "I'm fine."
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
May 16, 2011
(8w5d)
He watched as she shut it down. It was amazing, really, how easily she could compartmentalise. How, with a simple flick of a switch, she could block out any and all emotion. Terrifying, but amazing.Just moments ago she was frantic, searching his body for bullet wounds despite his assurance that he was fine. And seconds later, she was recounting the series of events that had led them to that moment to NYPD officers, as professionally as she would any other case.But this wasn't any other case. This was personal. And now that she had turned it off, shut it down, he was more anxious than ever.He had given his account of events, so now he was just waiting on her.He wanted to take her home, let her rest,
force
her if he had to. But he knew it was futile. He could see that familiar fire in her eyes. She was on the hunt, she had Lockwood's scent and she wouldn't rest until this was over.Once she was no longer needed at the courthouse, they left, not wanting to be there any longer than necessary. She walked with purpose, keeping a steady pace that he had to work to keep up with, until she came to a sudden halt just feet from her car.She didn't say a word, just stared at the vehicle as if it had pulled a weapon on her."You okay, Kate?" he asked cautiously. He expected her to snap at him, to insist that she was fine, even though they both knew otherwise. But that never came."Can you drive?" she asked him, still staring at the car.She dug the keys out of her pocket, holding them out for him. He took them without question. As soon as the keys were lifted from her hand, she turned on her heels and sprinted to the trash can they had passed on their way.She wrapped her fingers around the edge of the can, leaning over it with clenched-shut eyes. She stayed there for a few minutes, taking deep, steady breaths."False alarm," she said as she stood upright again. "Sorry."She placed a hand over her stomach, took a staggered step backward. He stepped closer, arms out ready to keep her steady if need be. She didn't look well at all: pale face, clammy forehead, glassy eyes."I'm taking you home." It wasn't a suggestion."Precinct," she muttered between measured breaths."It's late, there's no point.""I-" Her thought was cut short by her phone ringing. She pulled it from her pocket, pressed the answer button and held it to her ear. "Hey."He took several deep breaths to ease his frustration. She was going to run herself into the ground with this, wear herself out. She wasn't going to listen to reason. He had to make it clear that he wasn't giving her a choice."Yeah, okay. I'll see you soon." She hung up the phone, slipped it back into her pocket and looked up at him with calm eyes.He cherished the sight, knowing it wouldn't last."You have a choice of the loft or your apartment," he stated. "But I'm not taking you to the precinct."He expected anger, but she simply smiled."I'm fine now." She held out her hand. "I can drive."The keys, she wanted her keys back."I'll drop you home," she said, moving her hand closer. "And then I'll go home.""Who was on the phone?" he asked, mistrusting."My dad," she answered without missing a beat.She was either telling him the truth or lying to him with such ease he wasn't sure if he
wanted
to know the truth."Castle?"He ignored the niggling feeling in his gut, passing her the keys. He had no tangible reason to doubt her right now, and he wasn't about to let his fraught nerves derail this.Kate understood Castle’s reluctance to get out of the car quickly when she pulled up outside of his building: the speed with which everything went to hell today had shaken her, too.She spent most of the drive home fighting off the memory of it all: the fear and the failure that she felt, the anger and sorrow that surrounded her, Castle's blood-soaked clothes.Jim was already waiting by her front door by the time she got there. She had hoped for a quick moment to regain herself before seeing him, but the few seconds between the elevator and her front door would have to do.She took a deep breath, plastered a smile to her face."Dad," she spoke softly, easing into the role she needed to play.He turned on his heel to face her as she approached, matching her smile, but barely. "Hey Katie."He lifted his arms, an invitation. She gratefully accepted. She stepped into his embrace, wrapping her arms around him, like she did as a child.Reluctantly she pulled away, fished her keys from her pocket and unlocked the door. "Come on in."Jim followed her inside, moving toward her living room as she stopped by the rack in the entryway to discard her jacket and boots."I'm sorry about this morning," she said, taking the few steps necessary to be by his side again. She nervously tucked her hair behind her ear as she continued. "I didn't mean to worry you.""What had you so upset?" he asked, knowing she wouldn't have called him like that over
nothing."I was momentarily overwhelmed," she explained. "I'm fine now."He nodded, but he didn't believe that she was fine, not for a second. "Katie, what's been going on? And don't say nothing.""Why don't you come sit down? Do you want a coffee?""No, thank you." His voice was stern. She knew he wasn't interested in anything she could offer to buy herself a little more time, he just wanted answers.She watched him, watched his face as he fought off any hint of emotion. Stoic, as always.Motioning with her hand, she invited him to sit. He lowered himself onto the chaise of the lounge, while she took position just two cushions away. Far enough to not feel crowded, but close enough to not feel uncomfortably distant."It's Mom's case," she started. She didn't like to bring it up unless she had something concrete, some new information she could offer him, some
hope
that they were closer to the answers they needed. And this... this wasn't it."You found something?""Not exactly. Raglan's shooter escaped custody after killing McCallister."She knows that he has burned their names to memory, knows the story behind them. The men who covered up his wife's death. Once an avid believer in
forgive and forget, she knew he struggled with the resentment he held for these men. But she also knew their deaths would bring him no comfort, no sense of justice.His face portrayed all of that: the anger, the sorrow, the pain. It broke her heart to watch. All stoicism, gone."We are
on it," she blurted, too uncomfortable in his silence. She smiled, trying to remain calm, remain positive. She didn't want to let on exactly how serious this was just yet. "We have a great team, and additional resources available, we're going to find him.""You trying to assure me or yourself?" He forced a smile. He could always see right through her.She reached out, placed her hand over his. "Everything is going to be fine."He scoffed. "I don't think any part of you chasing after someone
wily
enough to plan a prison break is
fine.""It's my job," she reminded him.
I do it every day. But even she knew this was different. "If it makes you feel any better, Castle has taken it upon himself to become my
keeper. Constantly hovering... waiting...""I'd be a little more comforted if one of your
detectives had taken on that role."She smiled, let a small chuckle slip through her lips."Are the two of you serious?" he asked, reading between the lines."What do you mean?" she asked coyly.He raised an eyebrow. "Rick is playing
keeper
and you're not fuming about it? Not pacing the room, planning the poor man's demise? It
must
be serious."She nodded, but avoided his eyes.
Yeah, you could say it was serious."What? Do you think I won't approve or something?"She laughed. "No. I actually think you'd really like him.""Then what is it? What's wrong?"She contemplated her options. She didn't want to lie anymore. Not that she was
lying, per se, simply omitting facts. But even part truths weren't a standard she wanted to be setting.There was a chance he wouldn't ask too many questions, though. And allowing him to make his own assumptions, come to his own conclusions... well, she couldn't be blamed for that, could she?She took a deep breath, readying herself for whatever would come next. She could do this."I'm pregnant."Time seemed to freeze as he processed her words. Or maybe it was just the frenzy of her heart and her mind that made time
seem
frozen."Katie, that is wonderful news." He shuffled along the couch, closer to her, then pulled her against his side to hug her. He waited until she relaxed into his embrace, until she wrapped her arm around him too, before he continued. "Is it safe for you to be doing this, for you to be going after this guy?""Detectives work while pregnant all the time.""They don't carry out personal vendettas.""That's not what this is." She pulled herself from his side, shooting him an angry glance."Be honest with yourself," he all but pleaded with her. "Do you really believe that?"She didn't. Not at all. And she hated that everyone seemed to see straight through the façade she had so carefully constructed. She would be fine, so long as everyone else just believed she would."Think of your future, the amazing things that are to come. Are you really okay with risking all of that?""What kind of future will it be with this looming over us?"This: the constant threat of being a loose thread in the jacket of someone who liked to play God. A fact she was
definitely
going to keep from him. For now, part truths would have to be good enough.But her father's words would stick with her, long after he had left.
Are you really okay with risking all of that?This future he spoke of, these amazing things, it all seemed like a distant dream to her. Like a possibility, not a reality. Maybe that's why it didn't seem like such a risk to her. Maybe she hadn't managed to pull herself from denial's dastardly grip just yet.Or maybe she
had. Maybe she was just too selfish, too focussed on defeating the demons of her past to be able to appreciate the future she had been blessed with.In the silence and darkness of her apartment, she was all alone with those demons. The factors that had allowed her to push through the evening - one part adrenaline, two parts shock - had long worn off. The only thing swirling through her mind now were the memories. And they were all so clear.
The panic in Ryker's eyes, wide and glued to hers.
Lockwood standing over McCallister's bunk, surrendering. The job was done.
Castle's gentle touch against her wrist as he asked, "Is that a good idea?"
She couldn't breathe.
What's the worst that can happen?
The cops that weren't cops, the blast, the carnage.
Castle, covered in blood. The panic that had filled her when she, despite all logic, thought he was dying right there in front of her.
He was only there because of her... she could have gotten him killed.She wouldn't let that happen again."And she just pulled herself together and got on with it." He sighed. "As if nothing had happened."Castle had relayed a family appropriate version of the day's events over dinner. Not the conversation topic he had
hoped
for, but as soon as his mother and daughter saw him walk through the front door, dishevelled and covered in someone else's blood, they were relentless.Even after finishing their meal, having cleaned up and moved to the lounge to unwind, they continued to grill him with questions. The team at the Twelfth would be proud of these ladies and their interrogation techniques.He had long given up trying to dodge questions. He figured it would be easier - and much quicker - to just answer them as they came.Now, sitting on the couch watching television, the next round of
twenty-one questions
was beginning."Is this guy..." Alexis huffed out a breath as she tried to polish her thought before speaking it. "Are you in danger?""I don't think so," he told her, truthfully. "Lockwood is cleaning up. I don't know anything worth killing for.""But does
he
know that?" she asked. "What if they kill you just to be safe?""It's not really a clean-up job if you make more of a mess in the process," he retorted with a smile.“Richard!” Martha scolded his attempt to lighten the severity of things."It's not funny, Dad. This isn't one of your stories.
You
don't get to write the ending.""You're right, I'm sorry." He wasn't trying to be funny, wasn't trying to upset her.He shuffled along the couch, scooting closer to her so that he could wrap his arm around her."Be careful," she whispered into his shoulder."I always am."Seemingly content with his answers, the three of them settled in to watch a movie together. They were barely halfway through when there was a knock at the door."Are you expecting someone?" Martha asked, receiving two shaking heads in response."I'll get it." He gave Alexis a comforting squeeze, making sure she was alright before removing his arm from around her shoulders.He moved to the door quickly, eager to see who their late-night visitor was. He wasn't prepared for the sight that awaited him on the other side.He opened the door to find Kate there, tears staining her flushed cheeks."Kate?" His voice was barely audible, a broken whisper pained by the sight before him."I can't do this anymore." Her bottom lip trembled, the waver in her voice betraying her. Tears began to stream freely from her eyes, evidently not for the first time. "I'm losing control of
everything. I just need a moment to breathe but I can't, it just won't stop."He reached out, grabbed her hand, and pulled her against him as she allowed the sobs to escape from deep within her chest. Sobs so big he could feel her entire body trembling under their weight.He kicked the door shut behind her, not willing to let her go for even a second.He took a shaky breath, having to hold back his own tears. He just wanted to make the pain stop, make everything okay again, make her world stop crumbling. All he could do for her was hold her until she was able to stand on her own two feet again.Eventually, she pulled away from him. Steadied her breathing, wiped her tears. Forcing herself to shut it down,
again."I never should have gotten you involved in this, Castle," she whispered, searching his eyes. "I'm so sorry.""Kate, I'm fine," he reasoned. But she had made up her mind."People
died
today, Castle. It could have been you. I
thought
you had been hit. You could have been hurt, or..." She closed her eyes, shook
that
thought from her mind. No, she wasn't ready to face just how horribly today
could have
gone. But the truth was right there in her throat, thick and depriving her of the oxygen she needed. "I can't lose you, too. I can't."She took a moment, gathered herself again, she couldn't allow the emotions to overflow again. She had to be authoritative, clear in her orders."You can't come to the precinct anymore. You can't help. You're a
writer, not a cop. You need to stay away, stay...
safe.""Kate," he began to argue, but she cut him off."No, Rick.
Please." She wiped a stray tear, silently scolded herself for not being able to hold it together.Her use of his first name was all he needed to know just how serious she was about this."We can talk about this in my office," he urged, gently pulling on her elbow, encouraging her to move with him as he started to step back."There's nothing to talk about.""Kate, come on." He smiled.Surely, she was about to laugh, to tell him she was joking. Surely, she wasn't
really
pushing him away when she so obviously needed him most.But he could see the fragility in her eyes, the strength it was taking to hold herself together. Strength she just didn't have to spare right now.He tangled his fingers through hers, then turned to lead her to the office. He noticed Alexis and his mother had vanished from their seats in the lounge at some point, which he appreciated.Once they were in the office, he closed the door behind them."I understand why you want me to step back," he started, dragging one armchair across the floor, as she sat in the other. Sitting knee-to-knee, hand-in-hand, he continued: "I get it, and I will if that's what you
really
want.""I do," she spilled. "I love working with you, Castle. But I just- I really just can't do this anymore. I can't lose anyone else. I can't lose
you."She pulled her hands from where they were, enclosed in his, and gripped at the sleeves of his shirt. The maroon button-up he had changed into did nothing to rid her mind of the images she was desperate to forget."Okay, I'm done then." He placed his hands at her elbows, doing his best to steady her anxieties. His best to steady
his. He knew she wouldn't like what he was about to say. "As soon as we get Lockwood."Her eyes shot up from studying the hue of his shirt, to meet his. She shook her head, processing her confusion."No, Castle.""You need me. You won't admit it, but you need me.""I have Ryan and Espo," she argued. "I'm
fine.""No, you're not. You won't listen to them, you'll run right at this,” he explained. “Let me help you with this, and then I'm done.""And what if that's too late?" she whispered, her voice to weak with fear, and anger. "You don't understand.""No, Kate,
you
don't understand. I can't trust you with this."His words were sharp, like a knife penetrating deep into her flesh.She stared at him, horror and disbelief staining her world view.
I can't trust you with this.She rose from the seat, pacing away from him.
I can't trust you with this."This isn't just any case. Your judgement is clouded by your grief," he began to explain, heartbroken and remorseful, pacing after her. "You're blinded. And you don't know when to walk away."She wanted to scream, to fight. To explain
why
she couldn't just walk away. But that would only further prove his point. He was right: she needed him. Needed him to tell her when enough was enough."He wants you dead, you're not gonna win this. Let me keep you
alive
long enough to get this son of a bitch. And then I'm done. I'll walk away."She took a deep breath, nodded. To save
them. Burying her face in her hands, she tried to push down the tears that were rising but failed. She really wasn't one for compromise, but for him, she would.He stepped closer to her, wrapping his arms around her. Her body was tense, shaky as she cried."Stay," he whispered into her hair. "Please."She could hear the sincerity in his voice, the desperation behind his request. He was just as terrified as she was, just as sorry, just as anguished, and too exhausted to fight anymore.He freed an arm, weaving his hand between hers to reach her face. With a finger curled under her chin, he tilted her face up.Reddened, tear-filled eyes looked up at him, lifeless."Come on," he whispered, scared she was too fragile for anything more than a delicate, hushed command.He turned her, arm still wrapped securely around her body, and guided her through his bedroom and into the ensuite.She looked at him, confused."Shower. I'll get you something to wear. It'll make you feel better." His water pressure could help ease the tension in her shoulders, the steam and water help her clear her thoughts. "Then, if you want to go home, I can drive you,"
he added, reluctantly.She shook her head, no. "I'll stay," she said quietly.A reassurance that he hadn't pushed
too far
tonight."I'll leave some clothes just outside the door." He pressed a kiss to her forehead, and left, closing the door behind him.As soon as he heard the water start up, he made his way out to the kitchen, where his mother and daughter had re-emerged."Is she okay?" Alexis asked.He nodded. She wasn't, she obviously wasn't. But that wasn't Alexis's concern."Anyone have any objections to Kate staying tonight?" He asked them both, but the question was for Alexis's sake more than anything."Of course not." Martha was horrified by the idea of sending the poor woman back home in her current state.He turned to Alexis. She shook her head, no objections."Thank you." He pressed a kiss to his daughter's forehead.He grabbed two bottles of water from the fridge and headed back to the bedroom.After placing the bottles on the nightstands, he pulled clothes for her from his drawer and placed them by the bathroom door, as promised. Just as he did, the water stopped."Hey, Kate?" he called through the closed door.She creaked the door open the slightest bit, her face poking through. "Yeah?"He held up the clothes with a smile, passing them through to her."Thank you."After several painfully slow minutes, she stepped out of his bathroom, shyly. His shirt hung loosely from her body, slipping off one shoulder slightly. She is beautiful, he thought.She looked to the bed, to the water bottle on the nightstand, an identical set up on the other side."Is this okay?" he asked, unsure if he was too forward with the assumption that they could share a bed.She smiled, nodding her head as she stepped toward him. She wrapped her arms around his waist and pressed her cheek to his chest."It's perfect," she replied with a small smile.Illuminated by the warm light of his bedside lamp, and safely wrapped in his arms, all the fear and the pain that had overwhelmed her faded into nothingness. Security replaced her fear, and while she knew the pain was likely lingering beneath the surface, waiting to be felt again, for now it was eased by the love she felt radiating from him.Today
could
have been worse. They could both be dead. Or worse, she could have lost him and been forced to continue on without him, without ever feeling this love again.She pulled away from his embrace, ever so slightly. Her hand framed his face, thumb brushed against the corner of his mouth.She loved him more than she had been ready for, more than anything in this world and it pained her that saying the words felt like a curse. But even if she couldn't say it, she could show it.Slowly, she pressed her lips to his. Gentle, reverential love.He returned every ounce of emotion, claiming her lips with his own, with an urgency and need that they both understood. The need to feel alive, to feel love. The need to be
one. The need to be closer than physically possible.He gripped at her waist, pulling her body against his. Close just wasn't close enough and, before long, her nimble fingers were working at the buttons of his shirt.Once the material was slipped back off his shoulders, he smoothed his hands under the loose fabric shirt that hung from her body, touching every inch of skin he could before lifting it over her head.He claimed the newly exposed skin of her collar with his mouth, pressing long, ceremonial kisses along to the curve of her shoulder, his fingers delicately tracing the same path along the opposite side.Kissing his way back to her lips, he wrapped his arm behind her, and lifted her.She wrapped her legs around his waist, her arms around his neck, as he carried her to the bed.There was no stopping where this was headed, neither of them would even try.
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
May 17, 2011 (8w6d)
He stirred; the gentle movement of the mattress was enough to rouse him from his sleep.With eyes still fused shut with fatigue, his hand reached out instinctively, brushing along the empty space.He sighed, disappointment consuming him. Yet another morning
waking up confused because his dreams had felt so real. He rolled toward the empty space, burying his face in the pillow that smelled like her. A reminder that last night
wasn't
a dream.He lifted his head, squinted as his eyes tried to adjust to his newly awake state. "Kate?" he quietly called."I'm here," she answered as she stepped out of the en suite.He took in her form as she leaned against the door frame. "You're leaving," he concluded, seeing that she was fully dressed in her clothes from yesterday, while he was stark naked."I'm going to head into the precinct," she explained, walking toward the bed. "I'll see you in a little bit?"He nodded, happy that she was seemingly accepting their compromise without further argument.She placed her knee on the mattress beside him, leaning down to give him a short, sweet kiss.With a smile, she left.He woke again an hour later.After
too
long in the shower, trying to wake himself up and ready himself for the day ahead, he made his way to the kitchen.Starting up the coffee machine, he grabbed two to-go cups from the cabinet above and began to prepare their coffees for the morning. Double strength for him, decaf with two pumps of sugar-free vanilla for her. Making these had become routine over the years, like brushing his teeth or lacing his shoes."Where's Detective Beckett?" Alexis asked as she plodded down the stairs, dressed and ready for school."Work."She looked at the to-go cups. "I thought she asked you not to go in anymore."He hesitated, adding two pumps of vanilla syrup to one of the cups. He
could
say he was just dropping the coffee off. But he knew she wouldn't believe that."We came to an agreement," he admitted."Dad-""I'm done," he cut her off with his promise. "I just need to finish this case first.""This case
is what's dangerous," Alexis argued. "This case
is what she's trying to protect you from.""Hey, maybe the two of you can bond over your mutual distaste for my autonomy," he added, sarcastically."I know you're joking, but it's winning her some serious brownie points." She grabbed an apple from the fruit bowl and headed toward the front door."Love you, Pumpkin," he called as she crossed the loft.When she reached the door, she turned back to him, frustration marring her face. "Love you, too," she huffed before leaving.Her head was a mess. A frantic, blurred whirlpool of...
fear. Lockwood was out there somewhere. Waiting, watching? Biding his time until he was ready to attack. And she knew... she just
knew
that she was next on his list.They had been going over what they had so far. Nothing new, really. Just more of the same. Just more proof to back her theorising that she was next."We know that your mom was killed because she was working to free a mobster who was wrongfully convicted of the murder of an undercover Federal officer, Bob Armen."Castle's voice brought her from her thoughts. She could hear it in his tone, he had a theory."We know that the real killers were renegade cops who were practicing their own form of street justice by kidnapping mobsters for ransom."She ignored how weak and shaky she felt and forced herself to her feet, joining the boys and Captain Montgomery at the murder board, where they listened to Castle presenting his theory.She could hear the careful measurement in his voice, but the hope was still there. And that was enough, for now."These guys were also working for somebody, somebody big. Somebody who would stop at nothing to keep his identity a secret.""Which means there's still one loose thread out there," she added, relieved that she
might not
be the next target. Not with this other player out there."The third cop," Castle agreed. "The man that Joe Pulgatti saw in the alley with John Raglan and Gary McCallister the night Bob Armen was killed. Whoever this guy is, if he's still around, he knows who's behind this whole thing."She couldn't mask the relief in her voice as she spoke. "Which makes him Lockwood's next target."She felt a load had been lifted from her shoulders. She was lightweight, floating,
safe."But we looked through the reports. There's no mention of this third cop," Esposito clarified.Esposito's scepticism was enough to bring her crashing down at a dizzying speed. Her stomach turned, like she was in a free fall."Just because he's not mentioned in it, doesn't mean he wasn't there."She closed her eyes, scrubbed her hand over her face and tried to swallow down the bile rising in her throat."Excuse me," she muttered as she turned and began to walk away."She doing okay?" Ryan asked Castle."My third cop theory is exactly that, a theory. With Lockwood on the loose, she's at risk," he explained, his eyes following her as she briskly walked toward the restrooms.There was no doubt about where she was headed or why. For now, the boys were contributing her nausea to her anxieties, but he wasn't sure how long that could last."On top of that, her mother's case just went to hell in a hand basket. How would you be feeling?" Montgomery added.The boys stood in silence for a moment, marinating in their concern for her. If there was one thing they could all agree on, it was that they would do just about anything to help ease her burden."Put a detail on her," Montgomery ordered, breaking the silence that surrounded them."She's not gonna like that," Ryan warned."I don't really care," Montgomery stated. "Lockwood's not getting anywhere near her. Not on my watch. She doesn't need to know. Do you read me?""Loud and clear," Esposito answered before moving to his desk to begin the process. He already had a list of names forming in his head. Cops with extensive training, cops that he trusted.Ryan walked to his computer, getting back to work, and Captain Montgomery went back to his office, leaving Castle standing alone at the murder board.He felt useless: everybody was off doing something, and all he could do was wait.He considered going after Kate, poking his head into the women's restroom to make sure she was alright in there. But, ultimately, he decided that wouldn't be the smartest decision.He walked over to her desk, lowering himself into her seat. He
had
to do something. Anything. So he went back to the beginning, pulling up Armen's case file.Twenty minutes had passed before Kate made her way back to the bullpen. Castle looked up from her computer screen. For a moment he worried that she would scold him, as she had many times before, for being at her desk, using her computer. But that fear was replaced with a new one when he took in her appearance.She looked like hell: pale face, darkened under eyes, tired stance. He could tell it was taking everything she had in her to keep it together right now.He rose from the chair, gaining the attention of Ryan and Esposito. They looked at him, then followed his gaze to her."Just got a call from the Jersey State Police." She stopped to take a steady breath, not even trying to mask her lack of composure. "They found the chopper."The team sprung into action, grabbing whatever gear necessary before heading toward the elevator.Castle, of course, was relieved that they had a lead,
something
to look into that might actually give them answers to the hundreds of questions that remained unanswered. However, he couldn't fully fight off the heavy feeling in his chest that this was all coming to an end, and not in the way they wanted.He knew, all too well, that she was clinging to this for dear life. If this didn't pan out... well, he didn't
want
to think about how that would affect her all-too-delicate psyche.As they piled into the elevator, he used his body to force her toward the back corner, behind Ryan and Esposito and, therefore, out of their sight. For the 14 seconds it took to travel to the underground garage, he allowed her to lean into his side: a short reprieve from the energy she was burning by simply trying to hold herself upright.The elevator came to a halt, the stop in motion triggering another wave of nausea. She closed her eyes, breathed through her nose to fight it off."Do you need a minute?" Castle asked, brushing stray tendrils of hair from her face.She opened her eyes to Ryan and Esposito studying her carefully. She pulled away from Castle, a hand to his arm to steady herself."I'm fine," she said. "Let's go."She had asked to be alone, said that she just needed a little space.He tried not to read
too much
into that.And, despite how much he loathed the idea right now, he could respect her need for space. His mind screamed in her absence, his heart yearned to be near her, but he
would
respect her need for space.Montgomery had a detail on her. Cops specially selected by Detective 'anything less than special-ops isn't good enough' Esposito, at that. If she wasn't safe under their watchful eye, there was nothing
he
could do to protect her.He swallowed down that bitter pill.
He couldn't protect her. No matter how hard he tried, he was no match for trained killers.He was so far out of his league with this one. He didn't know what to do, how he could help. He just wanted to make it all go away.He pulled the small box from his safe, taking it to the dining table to laying out its contents in front of him: Johanna Beckett's murder file. Pictures, reports, statements. He had gone over it all a hundred times, Beckett too. At least half a dozen people had studied this file over the years and found
nothing. But he couldn't just sit here and do nothing.So, for the sake of doing
something, he started to read through every report, every scrawled note, study every photo, as if it were the first time.He hadn't even realised that hours had passed until Alexis came downstairs to check on him."Beckett's mom?" she asked as she took the seat across from him.He looked up from the photos to the refreshing sight that was his daughter. "Yeah.""I can't imagine what it must be like for her, solving murders and bringing closure to all those families, but never to herself."His daughter was a bleeding heart. Stubborn, passionate and occasionally a little arrogant, but she felt things so deeply, so purely. He'd do everything he could to protect her, even just a little bit, from the horrors of the real world. Starting by not having crime scene photos sprawled across the table. He slid the photographs into a stack and slipped them into their folder."It's easier in my books. The just are rewarded, the wicked are punished. Unfortunately, real life isn't that easy."She smiled softly. "Are you doing okay?"He reached across the table, grabbing her hand and giving it a reassuring squeeze. "I'm okay. Are you?"She looked at him, her face expressing her confusion at his concern."I know you weren't happy this morning, about my decision to keep working this case."Alexis shrugged. "I got over it.""Got over it? When do you ever just
get over
it?"He let out a slight chuckle, trying to ease the tension, but Alexis's solemnity wouldn't relent."Alexis?""She was so scared, Dad," she blurted, her voice was shaky and filled with emotion. "I've never seen her like that."He rose from his seat, rounding the table to be next to her.As soon as she realised what he was doing, she stood and crashed into him, wrapping her arms around him and burying her head in his chest."Just promise me you won't do anything stupid," she mumbled into his shirt."I-"His promise was interrupted by a knock at the door.Alexis pulled away from him, looking across the loft."Beckett?" she wondered aloud."I don't think so," he said, moving toward the door.He inched his face toward the door, looking through the peephole. The man on the other side wasn't anyone he knew, but he recognised that face from somewhere. He took a moment to think, to try and figure out where he may have seen this man, to quickly cross any association to this case off the list before he opened his home up to the man. After a few seconds, and nothing flagging in his memory, he opened the door."Can I help you?""I hope so." The man smiled, the kind of half-crooked smile you'd expect from the protagonist in an old Western movie. "I'm Jim Beckett, Kate's father."Castle suddenly realised where he had seen the man's face before. He was older now, but this was definitely the man that graced Kate's shelves in photographic form. His mind was instantly filled with a flurry of questions - his inner writer being both a blessing and a curse - but only two were prevalent right now.
Why was Jim Beckett at his loft at this time of night?
Did he know about, well, everything?
Castle snapped from his thoughts. "Right, sorry, come on in."He stepped to the side, allowing the man to enter his home. He watched as Jim looked around, studying his surroundings, the same way Kate had the first time she had come here."Can I get you a drink?" Castle asked as he closed the door. "Tea? Coffee?""Coffee would be great, thank you." The man smiled politely as he pulled his eyes from the exuberance of Castle's home.Walking toward the kitchen, he noticed that Alexis had,
thankfully, had the foresight to pack away the case file that had been spread across the dining table. Carrying the box, she began to make her way toward Castle's office."Jim, this is my daughter, Alexis," Castle introduced as he started up the coffee machine. "Alexis, this is Detective Beckett's father, Jim.""Nice to meet you." Alexis tucked the box under her arm, stepping forward to shake Jim's hand.The man smiled, appreciating the teen's respectful gesture. "You too.""I'll give you two some privacy," she said, walking into the kitchen. She placed the box onto the kitchen bench, giving it a gentle tap."Thank you," Castle mouthed, silently."Night, Dad.""Night, Pumpkin."She placed a kiss to her father's cheek, before disappearing up the stairs."Have a seat, if you'd like," Castle called over his shoulder to Jim."I'm right, thanks."As Castle began gathering the coffee and cups, Jim went back to browsing his surroundings. With a few pushed buttons, the machine whirred into action and Castle turned back to face Kate's father."How old is your daughter?" Jim asked."She's seventeen.""Senior?" he enquired."She's almost finished her junior year. I find myself wondering where the time has gone, you know? She's looking into colleges."Jim let out a soft laugh. "It gets away from you. Does she know where she wants to go?"The coffee machine beeped, indicating its completion. Castle moved across the kitchen to retrieve their drinks."She's looking into Stanford." He carried the ceramic cups, motioning toward the dining table.Jim understood Castle's silent request and took a seat at the table. "Stanford is a good school," he said, accepting the cup that Castle placed in front of him."Yeah, so I've heard," he said with a smile as he took his seat across from Jim.They both took a long, slow sip from their coffees, buying them some time to transition from their small talk to
whatever
it was Jim had come here to talk about. He knew the man hadn't trekked across the city to discuss Alexis's schooling options."I feel like I already know you, Rick," Jim said, breaking the silence. "I've heard a lot of great things about you from Katie.""Really?" Castle asked, surprised. He really didn't think Kate would have talked about him much, especially to her father. But he liked this newfound knowledge."Really," Jim confirmed, amused by Castle's surprise. But his amusement didn't last long, not with the thoughts consuming his mind. "So, how's she holding up?""It's kind of tough to tell with her, you know? She doesn't flinch."Jim laughed softly.
Yeah, he knows.Castle listened as intently as possible as Jim shared a story of when Kate was young - something about being afraid of the dark but refusing a night light. It's not that he didn't appreciate the insight to her early life, to what she was like as a child, it’s that, he wanted to know why Jim was here, unannounced, at this time of night. He could tell there was something on the man's mind. Something he wasn't saying."This man she's chasing…" Jim finally acknowledged his reason for being here. "How dangerous is he?"Castle considered sugar-coating it. Kate had obviously spoken to her father about the case, told him what was going on - or at least some version of it. But he could see it on the man's face. The fear. The desperation. He wouldn't be here, knocking on a stranger’s door, if he didn't have reason to suspect
something
was wrong."He's a trained killer," Castle said before he could stop himself. Kate would be mad.
Fuming. But he owed it to Jim - one father to another - to tell him the truth.Jim shook his head, processed the news. "I've already lost my wife over this."Castle had to look away; his heart broke for the man."You can stop her."His eyes shot back to the man before him.
You can stop her.Did Jim think that he hadn't tried? That he
wanted
her to be chasing killers, circling the rabbit hole?"I tried-""She cares about you. I know you care about her, too. She told me-" he stopped, took a calming breath. "She's trying to prove to you that
you
are her priority. If you ask her to stop, she
will. She won't risk losing you over this.""Even if I could get her to stop, she would grow to hate me for standing in the way."The excuses he had spent
too long
relaying to himself over the past few days sounded so pathetic when he said them out loud, but he knew they were rooted in truth. She wouldn't forgive him.Jim nodded. "But
she would be safe.""Do you understand what you're asking me to do?" he asked, unable to hide the anguish in his voice. "What you're asking me to give up?""I do. And I'm sorry, but don't you agree that so much more is
at risk."Castle understood Jim's thought process. Of course, he would
much rather
Kate be alive and well, but mad at him. Especially given the alternative. He had already accepted, to some degree, that this scenario
may
be what his future held for him. But that didn't make it any easier. That didn't make him want to charge toward it without exhausting every other option first.He wanted to be furious at Jim for what he was asking, for even
suggesting
that he throw away everything he had worked so hard for. But he understood.He would do the same for Alexis in a heartbeat."It wouldn't be forever," Jim continued. "She'd come around, eventually, she always does."Castle wished he had Jim's faith in Kate's ability to forgive, he really did."I wouldn't be here if I thought there was
any
other way."He
did
intend to give her space. But after his conversation with Jim, his need to see her trumped everything else.He tried to think up a valid reason to be knocking on her door in the middle of the night, but nothing came to him. He just needed to be here.She opened the door, keeping the lower half of her body guarded behind it."What are you doing here?" she asked without greeting him."I just wanted to see you," he confessed, deciding the truth was better than any excuse he could think of.She wasted no time, stepping aside for him to enter her apartment.He heard the door kick shut behind him, followed by the turning of the deadbolt and the rattle of the chain lock.He turned to face her noting, for the first time, the gun in her hand, glued to her thigh.She was scared. So was he."You doing okay?" he asked, despite the obvious answer.She looked worn down, exhausted, like she hadn't slept in months.She nodded, slowly. Even the simple act of moving her head up and down seemed to drain the energy from her. She just wanted this all to be over with already. She didn't know how much longer she could hold onto hope, not when every theory they had seemed to lead them nowhere."I'm glad you're here," she whispered, placing her gun down on her coffee table. "I know I asked for some space, but I'm glad you came."He stepped toward her, closing the distance between them and enveloping her in his arms.He couldn't help but think about his conversation with Jim. He tried to ignore the anger and frustration the thoughts provoked.This whole situation was so excruciatingly
unfair.Why did
he
have to be the one constantly sacrificing to appease some crooked-cop playing the role of a merciless God."You know, there's no shame in asking to be taken off the case, right? You can distance yourself from all of this.""And make it someone else's problem?" She pulled away from him, looking up into his eyes. "I can't do that, Castle.""Your personal connection to this case is what's put a target on your back, Kate. Any other cop is just doing their job, but you, you're a
real
threat to them.""Is that why you're here?" she asked, her voice cracking with a hint of betrayal. "To ask me to stop?"They made a deal: she would allow him to stay, to
help her, not to try and stop her. She knew that eventually they might get to that point, but not yet. She was fine, she wasn't throwing herself into this headfirst, she was doing
everything
he had asked of her."No, I just-"She silenced him by gently placing her palm to his cheek, easing him with the delicate brush of her thumb along his cheekbone."I know you don't trust my instincts with this but we're close, Castle, I can feel it. I'm finally going to get the answers I've been looking for."He could see it, the small, shimmering glint of hope in her eyes as she spoke. It was heavily clouded by her exhaustion, but it was there. She truly meant what she said, she truly believed that they were making progress, not just running circles."I need a little more time. Just a few more days," she bargained with him. "And, if we're still chasing ghosts, I'll step back. I promise."He stared into her eyes - a hazel-green sea of emotion - for what felt like forever. Fear, hope, pain, trust.One more day, he told himself. One more day, and then he would do whatever was necessary to end this."Okay," he relented, slowly nodding his head.He couldn't decide if he was being selfish or altruistic by giving into her, by putting what she wanted ahead of her father's desperate plea for help.One more day didn't seem
unreasonable: not when she had spent her entire career, her whole adult life, working toward this.She stepped back into him, and his arms instinctively wrapped around her again. He would savour this while he could."You should try to get some sleep," he said, rubbing circles into the tense muscles of her back.He felt her face rub against his chest as she nodded in agreement.He pulled back slightly, slipping his hand under her chin and tilting her face toward him.She offered a soft smile, before craning her neck to plant a sweet kiss on his lips.Then another, and another."Can you stay?" she whispered against his lips, between kisses. "Please?""Of course."She smiled, picking up her gun from the coffee table and tucking it into the waistband of her pants, at her lower back.She reached for his hand and led him to her bedroom.He watched as she placed her gun in the safe that resided in her wardrobe. Usually, he would take pride in the fact that his presence offered her a sense of security, that she felt safe enough with him to not have to sleep with her gun by her side. But not tonight.“My backup is in the nightstand,” she told him, reading the cautious expression on his face.He climbed into bed after her, cosying up beside her.With her head cradled in the crook of his elbow and her back pressed firmly against him, he held her tight. Within minutes, she had relaxed enough to drift off to sleep.He basked in this moment: the sound of her even breaths, the feel of her body against his, the swell in his chest as he imagined doing this every single day for the rest of his life.But he knew that they were in for a turbulent few days, at the very least. Nothing was certain, nothing was promised.He wouldn't take anything for granted.He slid his hand over her hip, to the front of her body, stopping when he reached the firm curve that was so subtly starting to form under her navel."I love you," he whispered, placing a kiss to her temple.
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
May 18, 2011 (9w)
He, unfortunately, was getting used to this
no sleeping
thing. He had stirred into consciousness almost an hour ago, after having only drifted off a few hours prior to that. But he had no intentions of trying to get back to sleep. Instead, he took the time to savour the moment, to appreciate the woman sleeping soundly, wrapped in his arms in the exact way she had fallen asleep.She rose with the sun, stirring in his arms just a little before 6am. He nuzzled into her, burying his face into the crook of her neck."Morning," she hummed, low and sleepy."Good morning," he replied, pressing a kiss behind her ear. "D'you sleep alright?"She shifted, turning in his arms until they were face to face."Mmhmm." She brought her hands up, cupping his face and placing a soft kiss to the top of his nose. "I crashed pretty quick, sorry.""No, that's good.""You don't look like you got much sleep," she stated, rubbing her thumb along his cheekbone. "You okay?""Yeah, just thinking about things."His words sounded ominous, and she couldn't ignore it."You need to talk about it?"He shook his head, no. "I just-"He slowly dragged his hand up her back. The gentle pressure of his palm pressing her body into his encouraging her to melt into his embrace."I just worry about you," he continued once her head nuzzled into his chest. "When you ran off after Lockwood..." his voice trailed off, unable to finish voicing his thoughts.Partly because he couldn't, the fear that his thoughts provoked continuing to silence even the loudest of screams, and partly because he didn't
want
to say it, didn't want to
think
it.I thought I'd never see you again.
Not alive, anyway."I know," she said, as if she could read his mind. She lifted her head just enough to place a kiss to his cheek. "I'm sorry."He believed, without a doubt, that she meant it, too. He saw the fear and regret in her eyes when she returned, when she thought he was hurt. The fear and regret that had darkened her hazel irises ever since.It seemed they were both in this limbo, just waiting for something to happen, to go wrong. Just waiting for the moment they would see each other for the last time."I should get ready for work," she said, reluctantly. She didn't want to move from his arms, but she couldn't put it off forever.He tightened his arms around her, holding her against him."No, not yet."He forced a playful tone to his voice, but in honesty, he just wanted to keep pretending, just for a little bit, that their world wasn't crashing down around them. Everything felt safe, wrapped up in her sheets.She let out a slight laugh, giving into his request without hesitation. "Okay."She wriggled in, making herself more comfortable, before tilting her head up to kiss him. Light and playful at first, but rapidly growing hungry.When her hands began to roam the breadth of his back, he took his cue, exploring the skin under her shirt with open palms, fingertips pressing in slightly, exactly how he had
so quickly
learned that she liked it.She brought a hand to his shoulder, pushing gently until he understood the unspoken instruction.He gripped her hips, rolling onto his back, pulling her body with him. Now straddling him, she sat upright, pulling her hair away from her face."You know, I could get used to this?" he said with a smirk as she rolled her hips.She leaned down, a hand either side of his head, and kissed him, painfully slow."I wouldn't," she warned, her face hovering just inches from his. "Lanie says my libido will probably plateau during the second trimester.""Oh."She laughed, he didn't even
try
to hide the disappointment in his voice."I guess we should take advantage of it while we can, then," he mused out loud, his lust oozing through his voice.Her smile brightened as she nodded her agreement.His hand rested on the back of her neck, gently pulling her face back down to his. Their lips collided ravenously as their bodies began to rock and grind, anything to create friction.She pulled away, sitting upright to grab the hem of her shirt and pull it over her head. She would never get sick of the way Castle's eyes glimmered as he took her in, the way he studied every inch of her as if it were the first time.He pressed his palms to her torso, fingers splayed across smooth skin, gliding along until they could curve around her hips.Just a few millimetres from where his hand rested, he noticed a small bruise leaking from under the waistband of her sleep-shorts. The gentle rock of her hips, encouragement for him to continue on his exploration of her body, had him wanting to ignore it. But the deep purple marking brought sickening worry to the pit of his stomach, too heavy to ignore.He pulled on her waistband, lowering it as far as he could in their current position, horrified by what he had exposed. The purple staining under her skin only grew, deepening into a blood-red and black contusion."Castle-" she groaned, grabbing his hand and moving it back to rest on her hip, the waistband of her shorts bouncing back into place."Did you not think I would see this?" he questioned her frustration. Why was she trying to hide it?"I forgot about it," she explained, trying to shrug it off."You forgot about the softball sized bruise on your hip?" he asked incredulously.She bit her lip, eyes darting away from his. As she pressed her chin to her shoulder, his worry did not ease.He moved his fingertips to the leg of her shorts, lifting it up her leg to expose even more bruising down her thigh."Geez, Kate!""It's fine, Castle, really," she urged, cupping his face and drawing his eyes back to hers."Is this from me?" he whispered his question, hurt by the reality that he had left such markings on her, even if it was accidental. "When you pushed me to the ground, you landed-""On your shoes," she finished. "Good quality soles," she added with a smile, trying to lighten the mood."I really wish you had let someone check you over," he said, a touch of frustration lacing his voice."I landed on my leg, mainly, not my stomach. I inhaled a little smoke, but nothing that would cause any issues to the baby.""And then you chased after a killer and his three gun wielding buddies," he added bitterly."I kept my distance," she defended, but he wasn't interested."They could have been waiting for you."She scoffed. "You don't go to the effort of planning an escape to wait around.""But he
could
have."He just wanted her to admit it. Admit that she wasn't a mind reader, that she had done something stupid."He could have," she relented, softening her composure. "I'm lucky he didn't, and I shouldn't be relying on luck. I'm sorry, I'll be more careful."He knew the words she left unsaid.
Next time.He wanted her to promise that there wouldn't be a next time. But he knew better.
One more day...
He sat upright, the sudden motion almost knocking her off balance, but his hands on her hips steadied her.His lips captured hers; possessive.His hands gripped harder, fingertips gently pressing into the inflamed skin. He could have been more careful, moved his hand away from the tender spot, but a part of him wanted her to hurt, to feel the pain, to remember that she is only human.A delicate, fragile human. Far from invincible.He pulled away, needing more air than her mouth would allow him to breathe in. He could see the pain in her eyes, and he knew she had felt the desperation on his lips.His message had been conveyed.He removed his hand from her hip, moving it up to cup her face, tracing his thumb along her bottom lip. When he reached the corner of her mouth, she touched his hand, keeping it in place. She turned her face, pressing a kiss into his palm."I don't want to lose you, Kate," he whispered. "Please, don't make me have to live without you."Their eyes locked, a thousand defences at the ready. But she stood down."I won't."She knew what her words meant. A promise that she wouldn't cross the line, wouldn't put herself on it, wouldn't face off with Lockwood. Surrender was coming."I'm sorry," she whispered.He exited the elevator balancing four coffees and a box of assorted pastries. Everyone had been working relentlessly to end this, to help bring Kate some sort of closure, and he wanted to show his appreciation for that.Ryan and Esposito were nowhere to be found, so he placed their coffees on their desks, depositing the box between them.He knew that Kate wouldn't be eating, battling with nausea and just her general lack of appetite in the mornings. And he had scoffed down a bear claw on the drive over, so he was good.He placed her coffee on her desk, eliciting a thankful smile from her before she went back to whatever she had been doing on her computer.Things between them were still a little raw after this morning, and he didn't want to push it, so he left her in peace; moving over to the murder board to go over everything they had so far.He studied the faces that hung before him, swallowing the anger each individual invoked. So many people had spent so long trying to bury this, they were lucky they had gotten this far.But he knew it had nothing to do with luck. It was her,
all her.
Her tenacity, her drive, her
obsession. Where exactly was that line? At what point did all those traits that made her a good cop become her downfall?He shook that thought from his head, she hadn't fallen yet. And she wouldn't, not if he could help it.Castle looked away from the board, following the
ding
of the elevator.Esposito stepped off, looking pleased to see the writer, and strutted across the floor until they were standing side by side."Good morning, Castle." Esposito greeted with a smirk.Castle looked at the detective, confused by his suspicious manner of his smirk."Morning," he replied."I was just going over this report," Esposito said, holding papers in front of him. "You know how a protection detail works, Castle?"Shit."Uh, not- not really.""Hmm," he nodded. "You see? We place a unit outside the residence. The unit has the information of all the building's tenants: pictures, names. Anyone that
isn't
a tenant is to be stopped before entering the building.""Makes sense," Castle said, trying to play it cool.No one had stopped him last night.
Why?"Every non-tenant is logged," Esposito continued. "Seems like a pretty quiet night, to be honest, only two people logged. The first was a young man: the grandson of an elderly lady who lives in the building.""Visiting grandma. That's nice.""Our second visitor wasn't stopped, though. It seems Montgomery had pre-authorised this guy, if he were to...
show up."
Shit.
He waited for Esposito to continue, to taunt him, confess to knowing their secret. A secret he wasn't really sure
had
to be a secret, but he sure as hell wasn't going to be the one to let it slip if it was.But Esposito just kept smiling that knowing smile, staring into Castle's soul.Castle was at war with himself: one part of him wanted to start babbling, coming up with excuses,
valid
reasons for being there, because he was sure there had to be at least one. But the other part knew that Esposito was just fishing, trying to get a ride out of him to
confirm
something he only
thought
he knew. If he had any proof, this conversation would be a lot different.The nervous, babbling part of his brain almost won the battle, but thankfully Ryan came rushing into the bullpen, beckoning Kate's -
and
everyone else's - attention."So we ran financials on everyone associated with the prison," Ryan began to inform the group as he made a beeline for Beckett's desk. "Guards, civilian employees, medical staff. We found a guard named Ryker. He's underwater in his mortgage, maxed out his credit cards, and he was about to lose his condo.""Ryker?" Kate asked, not fully believing what she was hearing. "I
know
Ryker."Castle turned his attention toward Kate, worried how she would react to the act of betrayal. He wasn't sure
how well
she knew Ryker, but he was well aware of her heightened emotional state right now.Ryan shook his head, "You only
thought
you knew Ryker. The day before Lockwood was transferred to General Population Ryker received a fifty thousand dollar wire transfer. And guess who didn't show up for work today?"She sighed, rising from her seat. "Let's go.""Uh-" Castle hesitated, all eyes on him.She waited, but her patience only withheld several seconds of silence."Castle, if you have something to say, please just say it," she urged, more than
a little
frustrated."I just- is it necessary for all of us to go?" he asked, trying to be subtle.But she knew what he meant. He wanted to chain her to the desk, keep her as far away from all of this as possible."You can stay here if you want."She grabbed her jacket from the back of her chair, slinging it over her forearm as Castle watched on emotionlessly.She tried to ignore his stare, but guilt kicked in full force."I know Ryker, he'll talk to me," she reassured him."He's a part of this, Kate. You don't know how deeply involved he is."She shook her head. "No. You didn't see him when we got to McCallister. He was horrified."He didn't care about McCallister. Hell, he didn't care about Ryker."What if Lockwood is with him?""Then we will be ready," Esposito spoke up, trying to ease his friend's obvious anxieties.Ryan nodded his head, reaffirming that they
both
have her back, But Castle's intense stare never broke away from Kate's."Can you just trust me on this one?" she pleaded softly."Fine," he spat his defeat.He was starting to question exactly how far he could bend, before he broke.The planet was thrown out of orbit, knocking them to the ground.Metaphorically, of course.Kate had been pacing back and forth in front of Ryker's lifeless body, for what felt like hours, while they waited for CSU. Even now, as they worked around her, she didn't stop.Lanie shot a look of disapproval to Kate as soon as she entered the scene."Should you even be here?" she asked her friend, bluntly, her voice cutting through the hustle and bustle of the tech team working around them.Ryan and Esposito exchanged curious glances, before settling their focus on Kate.Kate stood, defensive, her eyes glued to Lanie's in shock. She wasn't even
trying
to be subtle."You know, given your personal relationship with the deceased?" Lanie continued"I barely knew him," Kate retorted, earning her a furious glare from Castle, which she purposefully ignored.She turned away,
hiding
from prying eyes."I'm fine," she said. A blanket statement, both assuring Lanie and warning others not to push the subject any further.She didn't want to be coddled, there was no use to it."Ryker made four phone calls to the same burner cell that Lockwood called from prison," Castle stated, reading through the call log on Ryker's phone."He was negotiating prices," Kate theorised. "Ryker had no idea who he was dealing with.""That was the DOJ," Ryan said as he stuffed his phone into his pocket. "That fifty thousand dollar wire transfer bounced through the United Arab Emirates before it ended up in Ryker's account. It came from the Dubai branch of a Swiss bank.Castle's frustration grew tenfold. "Who the hell are these guys?""Whoever they are, they've been two steps ahead of us this whole time," Kate replied, dejected."You don't go through this kind of trouble to cover up a couple of rogue cops kidnapping mobsters in some back alley."Kate shook her head. "No, this is about something else. Something bigger."She looked to Castle, a million apologies crossed her face."Beckett..." His voice was wary, warning.
Don't do this."If we want to catch these sons of bitches we're going to have to bring the fight to them."She turned to the boys, who were ready to receive instruction, ready to follow her into battle."Notify Ryker's next of kin. Let's talk to his neighbours again, anybody else that knew him at the prison. I want to see if he made any new friends lately."Ryan and Esposito left to complete the tasks she had asked of them.She turned to Castle, conviction in her stance."Go home, Castle."It was an order, not a request."No.""You're not going to help me with this," she accused. "Go home.""You're dangerously close to the ledge, Kate."She nodded slowly, she wouldn't deny it. She could feel her desperation magnifying, her need to control something becoming almost overwhelming.
Almost."I'm fine.""You promised," he whispered, the hush of his voice being the closest thing to privacy in the crowded room."I'm not going to break that promise," she reassured him."Going to have to bring the fight to them?
Sure sounds like you're about to do something
real
stupid."She grabbed his arm, storming out of Ryker's condo.Once they were away from prying eyes and ears, she stopped, turning toward him."I apologised. I said I would be more careful. What more do you want from me?" she shot, angrily.She was trying, measuring herself in every way, trying to appease him. Trying not to lose him. But she couldn't walk away from this and, in the end, that's all he really wanted. Of that, she was sure."I get it Castle," she said, softening her tone. "I understand that you're worried but I'm in control, I can handle this.""The desperation in your eyes tells me otherwise," he said bluntly. "You're hanging by a thread, Kate."She hung her head low. She knew what was coming next.He was going to ask her to step back, like he had said he would.And, while she had never outrightly said that she would stop if he asked, she knew that their relationship was conditional on that fact.If she denied his request, she was losing the only thing keeping her head above water right now."I'm going back to the precinct," she said softly, hoping it would deter the end for just a little while longer."I'm coming with," he said firmly, to her surprise.She knew this conversation wasn't over, but she would gratefully accept the reprieve, however short it might be.Castle was hovering, his frustration seeping out and poisoning everything around him.Their leads had run dry, they were chasing their tails trying to find something,
anything.'One more day'
was starting to seem impossible. He could see the darkness in her eyes. It was swallowing her whole, and she was letting it.As the hours passed, the knots in his stomach only tightened with the knowledge of what was to come."So, basically, we've got nothing still. Right? Just a bunch of dead ends. Everywhere I look, it's just a bunch of dead ends.""Whoever planned this escape for Lockwood knew they would need someone on the inside," Castle mused as he looked up at the picture hanging on the murder board. "If Ryker was such a straight arrow, why would they approach him?""He was a soft target because of his financial troubles," Esposito explained.Castle shot Esposito an exasperated look,
obviously
he understood that was why Ryker was targeted, he wasn't obtuse."How would they know that?" he asked, adding clarity to his previous question.Kate sat up a little straighter, pondering Castle's question: he had a good point."They found him the same way we did: financial records." She tried to restrain the sense of hopefulness she felt. Hope had done her no favours thus far. "They ran financials on everybody in that prison.""Who would have that kind of authority?""A cop. Or someone who
was
a cop. So this third cop wasn't Lockwood's target. This third cop was the one who was holding Lockwood's leash. He's the one who's behind this whole thing." That little bubble of hope burst through her feeble restraints. "Okay, I want us to pull reports with Raglan and McCallister's name on it.""We did all that already," Ryan said."Months ago. There's nothing," Esposito added."No, no, no. I'm not talking about arrest reports. I'm talking about performance evaluations-""We went through everything," Esposito said more firmly. "We looked at every cop we could find who could have worked with them. None of them were our third guy.""Well, then check it again," she ordered, frustration rising as her team so casually burst that little bubble. "And when you're done with that, check it again.""Beckett, we want him as bad as you," Ryan said, trying to remind her that they were on her side.But his attempt was futile, she was too far gone, too desperate for this lead, for
any
lead."The hell you do!" she snapped. "Nobody wants him as bad as I do, okay? Nobody. So check it again!"Ryan bit his tongue, fighting back the urge to argue.The instant regret Kate felt cooled her rage, but stirred a flurry of emotion within her.Disappointment, sorrow, guilt.It was dizzying. Nauseating.She knew she should apologise, profusely. But the words wouldn't come.She opened her mouth, but the lump of emotion rising in her throat stopped the words in their tracks.She couldn't keep doing this. That thread Castle had mentioned was fraying more by the second.She shook her head, regaining her focus. She had to get out of there.She pushed past Castle, moving her legs as fast as they would allow.Castle looked at Ryan and Esposito, who were silently fuming."You guys right if I go-""Yeah, go pull her back from the ledge. We got this," Esposito said.She fled the scene of the crime, guilty conscience in tow.She hadn't meant to snap, not at Ryan, not at
anyone. But she just kept doing it.She was falling apart at the seams, the pressure becoming too much for her to hold on much longer.She felt like she couldn't breathe.She wouldn't make it outside in time, her only option was to try and find solitude somewhere within the precinct walls, and
quick.She pushed through the emergency exit door, claiming the stairwell as her safe zone. Descending the stairs, she barely made it down one flight before her chest was too tight to continue. She stopped, clutching at her abdomen as a sob ripped violently through her."No," she called, trying to fight away her demons. "I can't-"She threw her hands against the wall, leaning with her head hanging between outstretched arms, trying desperately to calm her breathing. She tried to find something to focus on, to stop the dizzying dart of her eyes, but the concrete walls around her continued to spin. She clenched her eyes shut, tried to block everything out.She breathed in, counting to three, then exhaled.In to five, then exhaled.In to ten, exhaled.Slowly, she managed to even her breathing, her sobs becoming quiet cries.A rusty squeak filled the silence of the stairwell, echoes bouncing off the walls and reverberating down the flights of stairs until, eventually, it faded into nothing.She looked up the flight of stairs, unsurprised to see Castle standing at the top, by the door. She dropped her hands from the wall and began to rub her palms up and down her thighs, trying to keep her hands busy so that he wouldn't see just how shaky she was."Ryan okay?" she asked weakly.Castle was standing just six steps above her, but from this perspective, she looked so small, so fragile. He hated seeing her this way.Slowly, he began to descend the stairs, closing the distance between them."He didn't appreciate being scolded like a child," he stated, bluntly. "But he'll be fine."Kate turned away from him, wiping the tears from her face, and lowered herself to sit on one of the stairs.Castle followed her lead, sitting one step behind her. She rested her head on his thigh, closing her eyes as he rubbed her back."I didn't mean to snap like that," she confessed in a whisper."He knows."He moved his hand from her back, to her hair, combing his fingers through the soft waves."Kate..."She lifted her head from his lap, wiping the few stray tears that had fallen, and looked up to meet his eyes. She waited, patiently, while he mustered his courage.He knew what he was about to risk. He knew that she was already on edge and snapping at anyone who she perceived to be standing in her way, but he was growing more and more concerned for her by the minute.Jim's words echoed through his mind:
But, she'd be safe.That's all he wanted, for her to be safe. To be away from all of this. And he knew she wasn't going to make that decision for herself."Maybe you should go home," he suggested, trying to ignore the instant flare of frustration in her eyes. "Take a step back from this, just for tonight."She straightened up, shook her head. "Castle, I'm fine.""No, you're not," he choked.She stared into his eyes, measuring herself. She didn't want to say or do something she would regret...
again."I am," she assured him, forcing a smile. "I've got this, I'm in control."He had to fight the urge to laugh: did she
really
think she was in control of this?"No, you're not," he repeated, more firmly. "You're standing on a cliff edge, Kate. Everyone associated with this case is dead.
Everyone. Your mom and her colleagues, Raglan, McCallister. You
know
they're coming for you next.""That's why I have to stop them," she explained. "They're going to keep coming, Castle. I
have
to stop them.""The boys and I will keep working through the night," he promised. "There's no reason for you to be here.""This is my job, Castle. My mom's case.""Is that really more important than your life?"Words failed her as she stared, slack-jawed."They're going to kill you, Kate. I can't just stand by and watch you throw your life away.""My life, Castle," she fired at him."No, it's not!" His voice was rough, angry.Why couldn't she see that? Why wasn't anything
enough
to get through to her? She had a future outside of this. A future with him,
their
child. No matter how complicated it might be,
he
could see that there was so much potential for happiness. For love and for joy. All she had to do was walk away from this."It's not just yours, anymore, Kate," he said more gently, almost pleading.She softened as her heart shattered. Castle looked so
defeated.He was right, though. She was being reckless with a life that wasn't hers. This baby
should
have been enough to make her walk away the second everything went to hell. Instead, it was a thought that she kept pushing to the back her mind. An inconvenience that she didn't want to deal with right now.Any concern she had for the child she was carrying had been manufactured because she knew that
he
needed her to care.She felt like a monster."Kate, please."She wiped yet another stray tear, they just wouldn't stop."Okay," she whispered."Okay?" He hadn't expected her to relent. He was filled with a rush of relief."I'm done," she whispered. "I'll go home."He stood, held his hands out and helped her up."You want me to drop you home?" he offered. "Maybe even the loft, instead? It'll be safer."She smiled weakly, shaking her head. "I'll be fine, Castle."With the knowledge that she would be alone, that he wouldn't be with her tonight, he grew anxious. His only reassurance was Montgomery's protection detail. All he could do was hope that was enough."You'll let me know if you find anything, yeah?""Of course," he answered without hesitation. It was never his plan to keep her in the dark, just to keep her off the front line.She shifted her weight, lifting herself onto the next step before leaning in and placing a gentle kiss to his lips."Thank you."They began walking up the stairs, hand in hand, until they reached the 4th floor door.He pressed one last kiss to her temple before reaching out and grabbing the door handle, pulling it toward him.Air-conditioned air swirled into the stairwell, clashing with the stale air they had been breathing in, a refreshing jolt to push them through.Reluctantly, Castle dropped her hand and walked toward the conference room, where Ryan and Esposito were setting up the boxes of old records.Kate headed toward her desk, grabbing her belongings and getting ready to head home for the night.The door to Montgomery's office swung open, catching her attention. She looked up to see her captain standing in the doorway. With a single nod of the head, he summoned her to his office.She wiped her face, trying to clear any evidence of tears as she walked toward his office."How are you doing?" Montgomery asked her as he rounded his desk.He held out his hand, signalling for her to one of the chairs in front of his desk.She shook her head, declining the offer. "I'm fine, Sir.""Kate, you're the best I've ever trained. Maybe the best I've ever seen. But you're not indestructible.""I know that, Sir.""So, tell me how you're
really
doing.""Castle doesn't think we can win this," she admitted. It wasn't a direct answer, but she knew he would understand that it efficiently summed everything up.Montgomery nodded. "He's right."Her eyes shot up to meet Montgomery's. She wasn't sure what she was expecting him to say, but that sure as hell wasn't it."I've spent most of my life walking behind this badge and I can tell you this for a fact: there are no victories, there's only the battle," he continued. "And the best that you can hope for is that you find someplace where you can make your stand."She focused her eyes on the floor in front of her, processing his words."The heart; it has this miraculous way of healing itself. I can tell you, heartache fades a hell of a lot quicker than regrets do."She looked up, confused by his sentiment."I have a feeling Castle's concern for you is... a little more personal."She swallows hard, unsure of
exactly
what he was implying. "Sir-""I have three children, Detective, I'm pretty good at picking up on the early signs. I've been watching you running fighting the sickness for weeks, now. This is a good thing, a new chapter in your life. But, Kate, if
this
is your spot, I will stand with you."
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
May 18, 2011 (9w)
"I'm sorry," she said softly, breaking the unbearable silence that filled the room.She had spent the better part of ten minutes staring at her palms as they rested in her lap, trying to avoid Dr Burke's studying eyes."When you called, you said you needed to talk," he said as he leant back into his chair. "You came in, waited for me to finish up with a patient, it's obviously important. But I can't
make
you talk to me, Kate. That has to be something you're willing to do."He waited, giving her a moment to answer, but she stayed silent."I get paid, either way," he noted with a smile, trying to break the tension. "If you just want to sit in silence, I am more than happy to do that. It's your time."She pressed her thumb into the palm of her hand, massaging it, trying to soothe her mind through her hand.It
was
important. She was spiralling, and she didn't know how to stop herself.Lockwood was in the wind. In that moment, as she sat twiddling her thumbs, he could be
anywhere.And she had given up, walked away.Not by choice, not
really. Castle had taken that choice away from her. She was losing control, and he snatched the last little hints of it straight from her desperate grasp.But when her options were: give up control to him or lose him forever, she knew there was only one right thing to do.She had promised to go home but found herself sitting in her car outside of Burke's office, with no real recollection of how she had gotten there.She sat for almost an hour before picking up the phone and calling to book an emergency session.She had a million thoughts swirling around her mind. She wanted nothing more than for these thoughts to spill out of her, messy and truthful, for Burke to sort out. If he could make some sense of them, make them less daunting, less overwhelming for her, then maybe she could begin to process them.But forming thoughts into words was never something that came easy to her.I'm a monster.That's it. That's all she could hear, over and over, as she tried to speak.Burke would need her to explain, to clarify what she meant by that.And she simply couldn't."I expected things to be getting easier, not harder," she eventually said."What do you mean? What is getting harder?"She sighed, fought off the reflex eye roll. He was predictable, clichéd. He may as well spout the classic
and how does that make you feel.
Although, the session wasn't over yet, he had plenty of time to bring that one out.She shrugged her shoulders.
Everything
didn't seem like the answer Burke was fishing for. But she couldn't really pinpoint what it was.She knew the case was taking its toll. It had been a definite point of contention with Castle, therefore making the beginnings of their relationship
tense, to say the least.And now, Montgomery was on her side. He knew what was at risk, but he wasn't telling her to walk away. He understood her
need.I will stand with you.The words wrapped around her like protective armour. She wasn't alone in this. It had almost been enough for her to go against Castle's request, to deny her better judgement.
Almost.That wasn't why she was here, though. She knew it, Burke knew it."I'm going to be a bad mother," she confessed.Burke pulled out his notebook, scanning the pages of in-depth notes he had taken during last week's introductory session. It had been unnerving, watching as he jotted every private detail she had shared, filling pages of the fresh book after just one meeting.He had studied her as meticulously as Castle had, when he first started his research. But, while she had tried to keep Castle at an arm's length, she kept trying to remind herself to actually let Dr Burke in, that she
wanted
to grant him access to the deepest darkest corners of her mind."Nine weeks," he read aloud once he found the information he had been searching for. "Why do you think you're going to be a bad mother?""I'm just not the type of person who should be having kids.""What type of person are you?"That wasn't an easy question to answer, because, in all honesty, she didn't know."I'm...
selfish. I work too much. I'm obsessive and reckless and uncommunicative."She was the type of person who couldn't bond with her unborn child.Who didn't feel the love that she
should
for her unborn child."Reckless and uncommunicative..." he muttered as he wrote her words on a fresh page. "For the record: I believe you're doing a great job communicating.""I've spent most of our time together sitting in silence," she reminded him with a scoff.He smiled in return; the kind of smile that told her he had just learned something new about her.She had to refrain from curling into herself, trying to hide herself away."You don't know me yet," he stated. "It's perfectly reasonable to be hesitant before diving into things.""Isn't that the whole point of being here?" she asked with an argumentative undertone.He placed his notebook on the arm of his chair, balancing the pen on the page before leaning forward and resting his elbows on his knees."Kate," he started, softly, gently summoning her full attention. "There is no magic fix, for
anything. You're here for a reason: there's something that you want to understand. To
change, maybe? That's not going to happen overnight, and it's not going to happen if you don't trust me to be able to help you."He paused, making sure she was absorbing the words he spoke."So, if you need a few minutes, a few hours, to sit with me, there is
nothing
wrong with that. I have clients that spend entire sessions not saying a single word. And that is okay.""I'm not here to waste time," she replied, bitterly.It
felt
like she was wasting time. Sitting here, talking about
feelings... or, rather, her lack thereof. Especially when Lockwood was out there."It's still early days; give yourself time."He could have been talking about therapy, but she knew he wasn't.It was still early in her pregnancy; she needed more time to embrace this. But was it really that simple?"Castle doesn't seem to need time," she sulked. "And it might not even be
his
baby.""Castle isn't
growing
a human," he pointed out. "I personally have never done it, but I hear it's exhausting."She let out a small huff of laughter. Exhausting was an understatement."Are you still experiencing morning sickness?"She nodded."Fatigue, sickness, the recent personal loss you've experienced: you've had a lot to adjust to, Kate. This pregnancy was not expected. It could take weeks, or months, just for the shock of it to wear off.""What if it's not shock? What if I just-" she stopped, reconsidering her words."Just, what?" he encouraged.Her brain screamed out for her to slam on the breaks, to swerve away from this train of thought. Saying the words aloud would only cement the notion that she is bound to be a bad mother.But they were ready to surface, sitting on the top of her tongue."What if I just don't want this?"Burke nodded slowly, processing her confession."Then, that is something you need to seriously think about. You still have options, Kate, but you need to ask yourself: do you
actually
not want this or are you allowing your concerns about motherhood consume you?"She wished it was consuming her, at least then she would know, without a doubt, that she cared. That it wasn't all just an act."I believe you should be able to get your test done soon, is that correct?"The slight change of pace brought her out of her own mind."I'm booked in next Friday.""And how are the possible fathers feeling? Have you discussed it with them?"The question had her stomach churning, her head spinning."Castle is
optimistic."Too optimistic. Stupidly optimistic. Destined to be heartbroken, right?Blind optimism had only ever led Kate down one alley. She hadn't always been this jaded and cynical."And your ex?" he asked, looking down at his notes. "Joshua?"She shifted in her seat, rubbing her palms over her thighs.Josh. Poor, clueless Josh.He hadn't tried to contact her since that day in the park, since she had told him she needed time. He was always so ready to accept her boundaries."Josh doesn't know," she confessed.She could feel Burke's stare on her, but he didn't speak until she met his eyes."And how do you plan on getting his DNA to test without telling him?""I don't plan on testing his DNA," she answered, certainty strengthening her composure. "The lab will test Castle's. Either way, we will have our answer.""What is your plan if Josh is the biological father?"Her eyes shot to the floor; the composure mustered just moments ago exposed as nothing more than a mirage.Plan? Her only plan was to hope and pray that this child was biologically Castle's. She hadn't allowed herself to think about the alternative, not in weeks."I can see this future with Castle: the two of us raising this child and... and everything just works out. He says that we can have that, regardless, but it just won't work. Not with Josh in the picture."She had to admit, the simple act of saying the words out loud had done wonders for beginning to release the knot in her stomach, for easing the storm in her mind and clearing her thoughts."I've been trying so hard not to fall in love with the idea of having a child with Castle that I think I've gone too far in the opposite direction and I've already ruined my relationship with my child. Whenever I think about it, about what is to come, I just," she paused, collecting her thoughts. "I am filled with this dread that doesn't even really have anything to do with the baby, just kind of everything else. But I can't separate the two anymore."
What if I never can?
He sat, staring at the file before him: the same page he'd been staring at for at least fifteen minutes now.The words had started to blur together, a fuzzy mess that even his fourth coffee in as many hours couldn't remedy.The altered report had set a fire under the three of them, fuelling them through the extra hours of combing back through the already checked -
twice!
- stack of files. But that fuel was burning, fast, and they were yet to find anything more. Granted, it was
something. But it wasn't
enough.He had known the likelihood, the odds that had been stacked against him, but that didn't stop the dreamer in him from hoping they would find something more, something that would crack the case wide open.Something that would end this: for her, for all of them.He hadn't expected her to
actually
leave tonight.Deep in the pit of his stomach, he didn't trust that, once the sun rose on a new day, her promise would hold true. He could see it now: an emotionally fragile Kate hunched over her desk in the early hours of the morning, right back out on that ledge.His phone chimed, offering him a welcome distraction.He wrestled with the material of his pants, the crease of his pocket battling against his weary and uncoordinated fingers.With an exaggerated grunt, he finally freed the device.His eyes were instantly drawn to her name, to the message she had sent.
You still up?
Of course, he was, he had promised her they would keep going. Did she have as little faith in his word as he seemed to have in hers?"I think it's time we called it," Esposito said, leaning back in his chair and pressing the heel of his palms to his eyes."I agree," Castle replied while typing out his reply to Kate's text. "We aren't getting anywhere, I'm too tired to focus. We can start fresh in the morning."He looked away from his phone, realising he had more or less laid out an
order
for Ryan and Esposito to follow."Yes, Boss," Ryan said with a smirk."Sorry." He let out a heavy breath, reminiscent of laughter, before moving his attention back to his phone."You all good, bro?" Esposito asked as he began packing away the files in front of him."Uh, yeah. It's just Beckett," Castle answered, tucking his phone back into his pocket.He looked up just in time to see Esposito's eyes light up in the same way they had earlier."A message this late at night? I wonder what the intent is?" he suggested with mischievous glee, exchanging smug smirks with Ryan."In my dreams, maybe," Castle shot back instantly."Wow, that filter really just vanishes once the coffee wears off, doesn't it?" Ryan laughed."It's not like it's some big secret, right?" Castle sighed, stood and began packing away his share of the files. "No one ever
really
bought into the research excuse."He didn't mean to sound so dejected. His comment was
supposed
to make them laugh: a long-awaited confession that their jesting and wisecracks about his
crush
had been spot on, all along.But a blind man could have seen the uneasy looks they shot one another. Under the jokes, under the banter, they were concerned."It's been a long few days," he said with his best reassuring smile. "I think we
all
just need to finally be able to put this behind us."City lights reflected off the slick, rain covered asphalt, dancing in ripples as pedestrians trampled through puddles on sidewalks.In the city that never sleeps, there was always activity in the streets, even at this time of night. Even under the deep grey blanket of clouds and looming threat of more rain, the streets were alive.Shift workers, weeknight party-goers, insomniacs, rebellious teenagers.Everyone had a story, a reason for being exactly where they were at this moment.Her reason: guilt.Outside the precinct, she waited, leaning against her car with her hands stuffed into her jacket pockets.She would apologise, even if that meant waiting out on the street all night.She didn't have to wait long before her attention was drawn to the three boys pushing through the front doors, deeply immersed in their discussion.Ryan's eyes drifted upward, catching hers, and his face dropped immediately.A quick nudge to Castle's ribs shifted his attention, too."Beckett?" Castle's voice couldn't disguise his surprise. "What are you doing here?"Her eyes drifted between Ryan and Esposito. "I wanted to apologise.""It's fine, Beckett." Ryan tried to shrug it off, to not make a big deal out of what had happened. But it was a big deal.In-control-Kate didn't reprimand her team like that.In-control-Kate didn't talk to her friends with such anger.In-control-Kate didn't blame her family for things beyond their control."No, it's not okay. You guys have been by my side throughout all of this, doing everything you can. I hate to think that you don't feel appreciated."Esposito moved down the three steps that fronted the precinct, stopping once he was at ground level with Beckett. With a smile, he opened his arms slightly, silently inviting her into an embrace.Physical affection among the team wasn't generally something they did, but it wasn't unwelcomed.Her shoulders dropped, relaxing for the first time in hours, as she closed the distance between them.Espo's arms around her brought an instant warmth and comfort, a reassurance that she hadn't realised she so desperately needed.They were okay.After a few seconds, just as she was readying herself to pull away from the familial embrace, she felt the force of another body colliding with them, two more arms wrapping around her."Dude," Esposito groaned."Don't ruin the moment," Ryan warned softly, squeezing his arms tighter around them.She couldn't help but laugh at Ryan's enthusiasm, Esposito's discomfort.She tilted her head up, looking between the shoulders of the two men. Castle was watching the embrace, pride tugging at the corners of his mouth.This team, this
family, was truly remarkable.In this moment - despite everything else, everything that had been tearing away at her - she was filled with an overwhelming optimism. She felt, beyond doubt, that everything would be okay in the end. Basking in this sense of security, the gentle well of emotion began to blur her vision.The boys pulled away, reclaiming their own personal space, and she hurried to wipe away the evidence that pooled at the corners of her eyes.Castle stepped down to join the group. He hated to ruin a beautiful moment, but Kate's presence had him uneasy - especially as they all were sitting ducks, in the street."You shouldn't be here," he stated firmly.Her eyes dropped to the cracked sidewalk, but she nodded slowly in agreement."You should be at home, in bed, dreaming of rainbows and unicorns," he added, trying to shake off some of the disapproving tone."I've never really be a rainbows and unicorns kinda girl, Castle," she returned with a smile, releasing her stare from the ground to risk a glance at him. "Besides, I'm here to take you home."Esposito and Ryan perked up at the words: eyes wide, eyebrows arched. In perfect synchrony, their eyes shot from Beckett to Castle."Should we pinch him?" Ryan muttered to Esposito in reference to their earlier conversation.He hoped Beckett hadn't caught the exchange, but as her brow knitted in confusion, he knew he wouldn't be so lucky."Why are you taking me home?" he asked, trying to ignore the boys' growing smirks."Alexis called, said something about 'even the autonomous need sleep'?"He closed his eyes, let out an exasperated breath. "I'm so sorry.""It's fine, Castle," she assured him with a light-hearted chuckle."Remind me to inform her that
I
am the parent.""I will." She stepped forward, placing a hand on his shoulder and gently guiding him toward her car. "As soon as I get you home.""Have fun," the boys chorused as the couple got into the car.
May 19, 2011 (9w1d)
It was well past midnight by the time they arrived at the loft, the short drive slowed by inconvenient roadworks and detours.They drove in silence: not uncomfortable, but not exactly pleasant, either. And now, parked directly in front of his building, they sat in silence. Neither one of them made any effort to move from the safety bubble of the car.She had brushed off his concern before. His fault - she was simply following his lead - but his concerns still burned, waiting to be acknowledged.His tension had spilled, filling the atmosphere.If she had gone home when she left the precinct, she would have changed out of her work attire. Sure, Alexis's call may have pulled her out of bed, meaning she would have had to change, but she wouldn't have gotten dressed in the same outfit she had been wearing all day.It didn't take a detective to deduce that she had been out all evening. Hours had passed. He wanted - no, needed - to know where she had been, what she had been doing.He had been fighting off this nagging voice in the back of his head that told him she gave in too easily when he had asked her to go home. The Kate Beckett he knew would have fought, tooth and nail, to get her way.Or, at the very least, she would be fighting off an array of negative emotions - anger, frustration, disappointment, sadness, hatred - all directed his way.With the added complication of hormones running wild, he had expected yelling, crying, fighting.Instead, she was calm.Somehow that was worse.He inhaled deeply."You've been out?" he asked, cautiously, on the exhale.He watched on as she licked her lips, her hands gripping so tightly at the steering wheel that her knuckles were white.She was nervous. His watchful eye probably didn't ease that at all, but he couldn't look away."I had something I had to do."If she was trying to feign a
coolness, a casualness to her words, she had failed. Her voice was soft, shaky: there was something she wasn't telling him."Did it
have
to be done tonight?"She snickered. "It's not like I had anything better to do after you kicked me off the case."There was that venom, again.She shook her head, and he could see the streetlights reflecting in the moisture that welled in her eyes."You're mad."She was. She didn't
want
to be, but she was.She loosened her grip on the wheel, taking a deep, steadying breath."I drove around for a little while, aimlessly, not sure what to do," she confessed, still staring out the windscreen. "Then I went to Burke."His entire body flooded with relief, the tension from his shoulders dropping as he relaxed back into the car seat.Not only was she
not
going down this rabbit hole, she was seeking counsel from someone who might actually be able to help her.She was dealing with this - in a
healthy
way - and he knew that her efforts were, if even just a little bit,
for him.He tried not to dwell too much on the niggling stab of guilt for having doubted her."I'm sorry," he said after a several long seconds of silence.He didn't know what else to say. He appreciated her telling him about seeing Burke, but he wasn't sure if he could ask questions about her sessions or not.Finally, she pulled her focus and her eyes drifted to him."You did what you had to do," she said softly.Yes, she was mad, but she understood.He looked at his pants, smoothing an imaginary crease across his thigh. "That doesn't make it any easier."Placing her hand atop his, she slowed his nervous movements."I don't want you to feel like I'm working against you," he confessed softly as he intertwined their fingers.She shook her head, looking up to meet his eyes. "I don't.""I'm on your side," he added, making sure every ounce of truth penetrated the armour she had donned. "Always."Of that, she had no doubt."I know."She brought his hand, still cradled in the warmth of hers, to her lips and pressed soft kisses to his knuckles."I know," she reaffirmed in a whisper, her breath skirting along his skin."Will you stay?"She nodded, a smile tugging at the corners of her mouth, still pressed to the back of his hand.If she was learning anything from all of this, it was that time alone with Castle -
any
time alone with Castle - was healing. His touch, his warmth - both body and soul - could soothe her in a way she had never experienced before. Simply being in his presence could remedy any affliction, over time.
It's still early days; give yourself time.
So much was changing, so much was uncertain, but the nauseating fear that had taken up residence in the pit of her stomach was...
changing.Amongst the havoc she felt a flutter, a tiny pulsation of excitement, anticipation.She felt hopeful for the future.Ruefully, she released his hand from her grasp so that they could get out of the car.She locked the doors and rounded the car to where he stood, waiting, arm outstretched and ready for her. With her body nuzzled into his side, they headed inside.As they walked through the front door of the loft, he was already reaching out for her jacket, helping her shrug it off her shoulders. He hung it in the hallway closet, alongside his own.It was familiar now, like the beginnings of a routine. A routine she could easily get used to: the coming home together at the end of a long day, tired and ready to collapse into bed together.Yeah, that was definitely something she could embrace.He moved to the kitchen."You hungry?" he called over his shoulder."No, thank you.""Thirsty?" He turned back to face her.She smiled, shook her head, no. "Just tired."He crossed the loft until he was by her side again, placed his hand to the side of her face and pressed a long, gentle kiss to her forehead.She closed her eyes, melted into his touch and let out a heavy breath. She could stay like this forever.But after a few short seconds, he pulled back."We best get you to bed, then."He took her hand and lead her to his bedroom. From the top drawer of his dresser, he pulled out the shirt and boxers that he had unofficially assigned as 'hers' and passed them to her.She smiled, recognising that these, too, were becoming familiar.He moved to the en suite, flicking on the light and pulling a fresh towel from under the vanity.He held it up as he asked, "Shower?"She took a few steps toward him, until she stood at the door of the en suite."It won't wake anyone up?""No, they sleep like the dead.""In that case, a shower sounds perfect."She took another step forward, closing the door behind her.Her eyes met his - inviting, suggestive - and he wasted no time obliging to her unspoken request, stepping forward to claim her lips with his own.She was a mess, on the verge of tears, as she sat on the edge of his bed, towel-drying her curling locks of hair.Hormones, the long and emotionally draining day they'd had, and the fatigue of
weeks'worth of restless nights were too much. She couldn't hold things in the way she was used to. And that feeling of failure only added to the overwhelming state of her emotions.She hated this roller coaster, desperate to get off this ride before the constant ups and downs, twists and turns had her too dizzy to know which was forward.Just fifteen minutes ago she was elated. Warmth cascaded over her entirety: the combination of the water, his body on hers, the love they shared through exploratory touches and possessive kisses.He was hers; she was his, and in that moment nothing else mattered.But then that moment was over, an earth-shattering end.She had cried on release. Just a few, silent tears washed away by the stream of the shower, but she knew he had seen it.And her head won the battle against her heart as she pushed at his chest until he placed her down on shaky legs, stepping back until the swirl of cooled air was the only thing that covered her too warm skin.She had barely dried herself before pulling his shirt over her head and fleeing to the bedroom, away from him.And now she wasn't sure if he was trying to avoid her or offering her a little time and space to gather herself in peace before he joined her, but his absence was heavy.When the en suite door opened, she stood, holding the damp towel protectively in front of her, as if it could hide her.He stepped into the doorway, towel wrapped around his waist."Are you okay?" he asked as he leaned against the door frame, crossing his arms in front of him as he waited.She hadn't expected him to be mad at her, but was still relieved to hear his voice was void of any anger or frustration.She lowered the towel, sensing no need for her figurative shield."Was it something I did?""No," she asserted, striding toward him.He read her body language, knew exactly what to do. He stood upright, stepping forward to meet her. He wrapped his arms around her as she collided with him and buried her face in his chest, breathing him in."I'm just tired and hormonal," she muttered into his body. "And embarrassed," she added, for good measure.She felt the hitch in his chest, a chuckle smothered as he pressed a kiss to the top of her head."You have no reason to be embarrassed.""Liar," she accused, jokingly, as she pulled away from his embrace.She climbed into the side of the bed that she was learning
wasn't
his favoured side, while he swapped the towel for something a little more comfortable to sleep in.After turning off the lights and climbing into bed beside her, he pulled her flush against his side, keeping an arm wrapped securely around her."I saw Burke," she said after a few minutes of silence."You mentioned that." He measured his voice, trying to sound just the right amount of curious. "Did it help?"She smiled at his restraint, knowing he must have had at least a dozen questions rampaging through his mind."Yeah, it did."She snuggled into him, idly tracing patterns along his bare chest while he brushed his fingers through her hair."I think I need to see Josh."The words came out of nowhere, taking them both by surprise.She felt Castle's body tense, his arm around her squeezing just a little tighter."You want to tell him?"He felt a little hypocritical, having been the original advocate for telling Josh. But things were different now. Weren't they?"I don't
want
to tell him, but..." her voice trailed off, hesitant to continue at all.He forced himself to relax. He wanted her to talk to him about these things, and he knew that if she picked up on his anxieties about it, she wouldn't."It's okay," he whispered, pressing a kiss to her hair."I haven't spoken to him since that day in the park," she whispered, regretting this conversation entirely.But she knew this had to be done, and she didn't want to keep Castle in the dark.She had been avoiding this for too long, afraid of the finality of it all."I told him I needed time, and I haven't spoken to him since."He understood what she was saying. The 'end' of her and Josh was still ambiguous.Because she hadn't spoken to him since, she had no way to know if he was waiting for her or not.He felt cheated, like she had lulled him into the false sense of security. He had thought she was
his
to love, but he was still, to some extent, sharing her."Do you hate me?" she asked with a shaky voice, and he realised he had stayed silent for too long."No. No, Kate, I don't hate you. I just, I don't understand."He kept up the gentle sweeping of his fingers through her hair, hyper aware of his body language and how she would be interpreting everything left unsaid."I just thought it would be an easier conversation once I knew I wouldn't have to come crawling back a few weeks later to tell him I was pregnant."He sighed. He was starting to understand her misguided logic a little better, but he wasn't sure if that was a good thing or not."You keep trying to make this easy. It's not easy, Kate. Nothing is going to make it so.""I know."He didn't want to think about how long this had been on her mind, gnawing at her conscience. He didn't want to consider how long Josh had been a part of their newfound relationship, or how instrumental he had been in getting them to this point.He didn't want to think about Josh at all, and he couldn't wait until they day they got these test results back so, hopefully, the doctor could
finally
be put in the past. Where he belonged.But, for now, she needed closure. And so did he. And, he supposed, Josh deserved it as well.She had to do this, for all of them."What are you going to say to him?" he asked, breaking the silence."I don't know," she confessed. "But I need to know that he's not waiting for something that isn't going to happen. I mean, it's been two weeks, I doubt he is, but I just need to know for sure.""You're sure about this?"She understood, last time she had been so unsure of everything she managed to dig herself into this hole. But this time, she was determined to dig herself out."I can ask Lanie to come with me, if you'd like," she offered.He knew that she was just trying to ease his concerns, but a persistent worry niggled in his chest."Do you feel like you need a buffer?" he asked cautiously.
What you don't know, can't hurt you.
In theory, yes. But in reality, his imagination running wild could probably inflict ten times the damage a confused and emotional Kate could.She shifted, lifting her head to look him in the eye. Even in the darkness, with nothing but dull city light filtering through his windows, she could see the unmasked emotion on his face."No," she said, shaking her head slightly. "I just thought... if
you
wanted me to-""I trust you, Kate," he interrupted.He didn't want that to ever be mistaken: even in her confusion, despite whatever had happened in the past - both distant and recent - he trusted her inexplicably.
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
May 19, 2011 (9w1d)
"I love you, so much."
The words, whispered in the stillness of the night, had been everything he wanted to hear.
But not like this.
"I'm sorry, Castle," she said through tears and a breaking voice.
She placed her hands over her expanding baby bump, protectively cradling the life behind it.
For months now, they had pretended this could actually work out their way. But that was before they knew.
"I have to do this for him," she explained, looking down at the bump. "Josh will love him, provide for him."
"I will love him and provide for him!" His voice had never sounded more desperate, more pathetic, as he begged her not to leave. "Please, Kate."
He stepped forward, cupped her face and captured her lips, salted by the tears they shared.
She didn't pull back, didn't put a stop to what they both knew was nothing more than postponing the inevitable.
Josh wanted to be a family. And Kate just wanted to do right by their child.
Josh's child.
Love alone was never going to be enough.
He wasn't sure when, exactly, he had drifted off to sleep. All he knew was that his slumber wasn't nearly long enough, yet again. The first signs of sunlight filtered through his window, letting him know that any attempt to return to his dreamland would be futile. Although, with the dreams he had been having of late, maybe that was for the best.He snaked his arm out from under her, careful not to wake her as he slipped from between the sheets. She rolled toward him, inhaled deeply, but did not wake. Judging by the gentle tug on the corners of her mouth, she was having much sweeter dreams than he had.He needed coffee,
pronto.He slipped a shirt on before heading out to the kitchen,
just in case
he wasn't the only one awake at this ridiculously early hour. Not that that was likely.He moved around the kitchen sluggishly, pulling mugs and ground coffee from the cabinets with an exaggerated groan.Once the coffee machine was set up and working its magic, he leant on the bench, hanging his head low until his forehead pressed against the cool marble bench top.He closed his eyes for what felt like mere seconds before the mechanical beep from the coffee machine jolted him upright, snapping him out of his unintentional doze.Slowly, he straightened his posture and stretched out the crick in his neck. Once his body could move with a little more ease, he grabbed the two mugs and plodded back to his bedroom."Good morning," he sung to an empty room, frowning once he realised Kate was no longer in bed. "Kate?"She appeared at the en suite door, toothbrush hanging from her mouth as she pulled her hair up into a loose ponytail, simply making her presence known.Her skin was pale, forehead mottled with beads of perspiration that threatened to drip from her brow as she started to scrub her teeth in a manner that could only be described as
violent."You doing okay?" he dared to ask, despite the obvious answer.She stepped away, spitting the toothpaste foam into the basin and rinsing her mouth with faucet water."I'm okay," she said with an exasperated sigh as she stepped back into the doorway.He held a mug out to her, watching her eyes light up as she reached for it. Her fingers brushed the warm ceramic but just before she could take it from his hand, her nostrils flared and she squeezed her eyes shut, dropping her hands to her stomach.They stood, seemingly frozen in time, for an unnerving few seconds."You good?" he asked slowly, scared that any movement, any words spoken too suddenly, would distract her focus from the all-important task of
not
throwing up.He wanted to help her, of course, but he also didn't want to end up wearing whatever was threatening to come back up.She turned, racing toward the toilet."I guess not," he whispered to himself, turning away from her. "No coffee. Got it."Knuckles beginning to burn from the constant contact with the ceramic mugs, he walked back into the kitchen and placed one mug on the bench before ceremoniously tipping the other down the sink.He grabbed the loaf of rye bread, cut two thick slices and popped them into the toaster.After putting the loaf of bread back in the pantry, he pulled a box of chai blend tea leaves from the top shelf, placing it on the bench behind him before returning to the same shelf to dig out a ceramic teapot and leaf strainer.He filled a pot with water, placed it on the stovetop to boil, and then returned to his own coffee, gulping down the much-needed caffeine.Shuffling along the bench to where he had left the tea essentials, he measured out the correct amount of leaves and dumped the scoop into the strainer.The toaster
dinged
and two slices of perfectly browned rye popped out. He glided to the opposite side of the kitchen, grabbing a plate from the drying rack as he went. He pinched the two slices of toast between his thumb and forefinger, dropping them to the plate and blowing on his now-burnt fingertips."You okay, babe?" Kate asked as she walked into the kitchen.He smiled at the endearment.
Babe. He hoped she would never call him anything else, ever again, but he knew that wasn't a likely scenario given her professionalism at work."I made you toast," he announced, holding up the plate. "Well, started to, anyway."She sat down on one of the kitchen stools and he placed her breakfast in front of her, moving to the refrigerator to gather the butter and some other options for her."You didn't have to do that," she said, partially distracted as he dumped an assortment of spreads in front of her.He pressed a kiss to her hair, sliding his hand soothingly down her back. "I wanted to."He stepped around the bench, draining the remnants of his coffee before placing the mug into the sink."Chai tea, too. I'm just waiting for the water to boil."He turned back to face her, only to find that she had been staring at him, her chin resting on her palms, with a bright smile plastered on her face."What?" he asked with a nervous chuckle.She straightened her posture, shook her head playfully. "I was just wondering what I did to deserve you," she confessed."Oh, aren't you quite the sap today?" he teased.It was slightly hypocritical, given the fluttering sensation her words had sparked deep in his chest. His heart was full, overflowing with adoration, a feeling no amount of bad dreams could take away from him.She hung her head, biting on her lower lip. He hadn't meant to embarrass her, but he would relish in the subtle pink flush in her cheeks."Too much?""Never," he reassured her.The pot of water on the stove began to bubble and steam."Eat," he instructed, firmly as he turned off the stovetop. "I'll make your tea.""Are you not eating?" she asked as she watched him pour the water into the teapot.His brow knitted, concentrating on the perfect pour as if it mattered immensely. In actuality, he was trying to buy himself some time. Just a little, before the
I don't want you at the precinct today
speech he had planned during the
too many
hours he had lain awake last night.She was so happy to oblige in his rehearsals. He wouldn't even try to convince himself it would be that easy when she was awake... and actually a part of the conversation."I told Ryan and Espo I'd grab something for everyone on the way in today."His eyes avoided hers, pointedly."Oh." She realised, instantly, that she wasn't included in his version of
everyone.His banishment still stood. When he said
just for tonight, he hadn't actually meant it. Not that she was surprised.He poured the tea into a small teacup for her, sliding it along the bench until it sat by her plate of untouched toast, now smeared with butter."You know what? I'm feeling much better after having the night off." She nibbled at one slice, as if a measly
nibble
would convince him she was fine, could hide how desperately she needed to be doing something. She swallowed the non-bite before continuing. "Calmer, more stable.""No," he said bluntly, shaking his head. "I'm sorry, but no."She physically deflated, losing at least an inch of height as her shoulders slumped.He despised the fact that her sad eyes, dropped to hide from him, were getting to him. To his mother's melodrama, he was immune. Even his daughter's tantrums he could ignore to a certain extent. But this? There was a rawness to her vulnerability that had his stomach in knots."Maybe you could take a sick day? Just one."He knew she had enough banked up, an unfathomable amount of time in lieu owing to her. Just one day wouldn't hurt.That seemed to be the only way they would see the other side of this: making it through one day at a time. Just one more day, just one more day, until they reached the end."And do what?" she asked with a huff, dropping her toast back to the plate. "Bum around my apartment all day? No.""You could stay here," he suggested."That's- no."That was definitive. The shake of her head, the look of disgust that she didn't even attempt to hide, as if to ask
how dare you even suggest such a thing?"I'm fine. I've been sick every other day, it hasn't stopped me from being able to work.""Yeah, about that, the increasing frequency of your bathroom breaks has been noted by the team. There's only so many excuses I can come up with before someone figures this out."She rolled her eyes, not willing to get side-tracked from her goal."I just, I won't work on Lockwood's case," she offered the compromise, waiting eagerly for his response.He mulled over her offer, weighing up his options. He wouldn't deny that he liked the idea of her being close, being able to check in on her throughout the day, knowing that she was safe within the precinct walls."What are you going to work on?""I don't know." She smiled, seeing his question as a weakness in his defence. "I'm sure Montgomery has
something
I can do.""He'll reassign the case to another team.""No," she refuted his argument with confidence. "We have an understanding," she hinted vaguely.He started to slowly move closer to her, still silently going through his mental pros and cons list.She rose from the stool, taking a few short steps until she reached him. The pull was magnetic, involuntary.She draped her arms over his shoulders, crossing her wrists behind his neck as his hands fell into place at her waist."I can do this," she whispered her promise before pressing a kiss to his lips.He sighed, ruefully pulled his hand from her to check his watch."You'll have to leave now if you want to go home and change. You'll be late, otherwise."She wasn't sure if it was a last-ditch attempt to talk her out of this or not, but she simply smiled in response, accepting the victory."Actually," she began slowly, dragging out each syllable. "I may have put an overnight bag in my trunk yesterday. Just in case."And there was that silly little flutter in his chest again. She was making plans. Plans that included keeping clothing handy so that their mornings together weren't cut any shorter than what was absolutely necessary.He smiled, pressed another earnest kiss to her mouth."You eat," he instructed, pointing his finger toward her virtually untouched toast. "I'll go get your clothes.""Good morning." They heard the singsong greeting from the top of the stairs.She dropped her arms from around him, his hands leaving their perch on her body at the same time, and they both looked toward the sound's source.Martha and Alexis descended the stairs, both wearing pyjamas, fluffy slippers and appropriately sleepy smiles for the time of day.Castle picked up Kate's keys from the bench."Good morning, Pumpkin," he said, placing a kiss to his daughter's forehead. "Mother.""Morning," Kate greeted them both with a smile, returning to the counter stool and taking a bite from her toast."I'll be back in just a moment," Castle explained, walking toward the door. He reached for the knob, stopping just short of it. "Oh, I need pants."He ducked to his bedroom as his family laughed and shook their heads at his blunder. He returned after a short time wearing a more socially acceptable pair of sweatpants instead of his navy checked boxer shorts."Okay, take two: I'll be back in just a moment," he repeated as he closed the door behind him.Kate took another bite of her toast, trying to ignore how out of place she felt once Alexis and Martha entered the suddenly
too crowded
kitchen. Without Castle by her side, she felt like she was intruding.Maybe it was the hostility she had felt not too long ago, or perhaps it was the fact that Martha was far too knowledgeable for Kate's liking, or possibly it was just lingering nausea from before, but something was making her stomach knot uncontrollably.She picked up the teacup, sipping slowly from the aromatic tea Castle had so thoughtfully prepared for her."How are you?" Alexis asked as she stepped up to the counter in front of Kate.Martha stepped toward them, settling by her granddaughter's side and awaiting Kate's answer."I'm good, thanks," she answered, not having expected
small talk
from the girl. "How are you?""Oh, I meant how's the nausea?" Alexis clarified.Kate's stomach dropped as she realised no one here was oblivious to her current
condition."Right, sorry. I, uh- Castle didn't tell me that he told you."He hadn't
warned
her.Alexis looked at Martha, her eyes wide. She obviously hadn't realised she wasn't supposed to know.Why shouldn't she know?
Kate thought."Dad didn't tell me," she explained, a sense of urgency straining her voice. "Please don't be mad at him."Mad?
Of course, she wouldn't be
mad."No, of course," she assured the girl. "I, uh- I'm fine," she said, answering the initial question, albeit not truthfully.Alexis seemed content with the answer. Perhaps she didn't
actually
care and was just asking to be polite. Either way, Kate was relieved when the teenager walked away with a smile.Martha rounded the bench, standing by Kate's side."Don't fret, she knows none of the...
details." Martha reassured her. "Simply that you and Richard are family now, and soon enough, there will be a bundle of joy for us all to fall in love with. After that, the details don't matter.""Details," Kate repeated, sinking further than one would think possible into the stool and scrubbing her hand over her face. Exactly how much did Martha know? "You must think-""Oh, Darling, who am I to judge?" the older woman dismissed with the wave of her hand. "You know my story. I know, as well as anyone, that these things
happen
and all we can do is deal with it."Martha placed her hand on Kate's shoulder, her demeanour growing more serious."You know, I asked myself, every day, for too long,
did I make the right choice?" she admitted. "Life wasn't always a picnic, but I wouldn't have it any other way. Richard was a blessing, he changed my life in ways I didn't know possible."Kate smiled at the sincerity in Martha's words. He certainly was a blessing, although a
very well disguised
one at times."Sometimes I just feel like I don't deserve him." The words spilled from her uncontrollably, a secret she hadn't intended to confess.But Martha's heartfelt smile eased the small niggle of regret."Richard decided, long before any of this happened, that you were worth it. And contrary to what he might believe, I tend to agree with him. Confession: I wasn't sure at first, but I am now. Meeting you has changed him and I can see the changes in you, too. You're not the Katherine Beckett we first met and I believe the future is bright for the two of you."Castle burst through the door, duffel bag in hand, stealing the attention of both women as he did."Four minutes and forty-three seconds," he declared proudly, out of breath, staring at his watch.Martha sighed, smiled fondly at her son. "A blessing," she reminded herself, eliciting laughter from Kate.She rode the elevator up to the fourth floor. After spending the morning working alongside a team that wasn't her own, she had never been more impatient to step into the familiar bullpen, wishing the metal box would move
faster.The doors had barely opened before she was stepping out, striding toward the conference room that Castle had informed her they were working in."You checking in on us already?" Castle teased as she entered the room. "It's only been..."He tilted his wrist, checking his watch. "Four hours?""I'm not checking in on you, Castle," she informed him with a smile, holding up a brown paper carry bag. "I'm feeding you."She placed the bag on the table and pulled the deli subs out, one by one."Tuna melt on sourdough, meatballs and cheese on Italian and a BLT, extra B." She removed her own - grilled chicken and salad - from the pile as the boys approached. "Bon appétit!"She smiled at the chorus of distracted
thank yous she received as everyone picked out their usual order from the selection."I know what this is. This is bribery: you want us to save you from records," Ryan joked as he settled back into his chair, unwrapping his sub."Just eat your sandwich," she retorted. "Besides, I've been saved already.""Oh yeah? What've you been doing?" Castle asked, genuinely curious, before taking a bite from his BLT."I'm on loan to robbery for the day," she informed them, all eyes landing on her in response. "Demming is out for the week, so they need all the help they can get."The further explanation wasn't necessary, she knew that, but she had this overwhelming urge to clarify that she hadn't spent the day working alongside her ex-boyfriend, especially for Castle's sake.But he seemed completely unbothered."Hmm, don't work too hard, they might want to keep you," he quipped with a playful elbow to her arm. "Home invasions just don't sell as many books.""I don't think Montgomery would ever approve a transfer, anyway," Esposito added. "Dream team, baby."He and Ryan bumped fists before going back to eating their lunch.Usually she would take the chance to deflate their egos a little, but with some of the highest closure rates in the area, she figured a boast every now and then was acceptable - so long as it was all in good fun.Her attention was pulled from the boys by the gentle brush of Castle's fingers at her wrist."Come, sit," he said softly, tilting his head back toward the worn out two-seater against the wall.She followed his lead, taking a seat beside him, thankful that the size of the sofa provided a perfectly reasonable explanation as to why they were so close."How are you feeling?" he asked once she was settled, his voice hushed so that the boys wouldn't overhear."Better," she assured him with a soft smile.Still not great, though.She missed the days when she woke up feeling absolutely fine, when she actually had energy and could eat whatever she wanted without having to worry about a constantly unsettled stomach.She looked down at the sandwich in her hands, her usual favourite but today it just didn't appeal to her at all."You want some of mine?" he offered, picking up on her hesitance. "Meredith had a pretty strong aversion to poultry. She could smell it a mile away. Bacon, on the other hand, she couldn't get enough of. I'm happy to swap, if you want.""That's sweet, Castle. Thank you." She lifted the top slice of bread, examining the sandwich's contents. "But I'm fine. I think I have an aversion to food in general."She tried to laugh it off, but his concern couldn't be shaken."You need to eat, Kate.""I'm trying, it's just-" She inhaled, took a moment to settle her frustration. She shot a sideways glance to the boys, who were doing their best to appear as though they were minding their own business, but she knew better. She lowered her voice accordingly. "I'm sick of being sick, you know?""I won't pretend to know what it's like, but I sympathise, if that's any consolation."She shrugged, bringing her sandwich up to her mouth. "A little bit," she muttered before taking a small bite.She chewed slowly, waiting for the
oh no
moment, but it didn't come. She made it through half of the sandwich before it did.She wrapped the other half back in the parchment it came in, deciding that half a lunch was a win for the day.She rose from the sofa, tossing her scraps in the bin by the door and readying herself to head back to her temporary reassignment.But she couldn't resist, the temptation was too strong."So." She tilted her head to the mess of documents on the conference table. "You're gonna make me ask?"Castle stood, stepping toward her."Wish you wouldn't," he sung back in a playful tone, but they all understood the truth behind his words, the pleading.She stood her ground, and suddenly he was too close. The four-inch height advantage he had on her made her feel so small, fragile, vulnerable."Castle..."She needed something,
anything. Just a small shred of hope that she could cling to while she played pretend with the robbery squad."We don't have anything for you," he apologised.He looked at the boys, her eyes following his."We are waiting on Miami-Dade PD, they're tracking someone down for us," Esposito explained."There's a good chance this is just another dead end," Ryan added, setting the expectations.She nodded slowly. A lead, most likely a dead end. But, still..."It's something," she said with a shrug. "Thank you."She took a step back, away from Castle. She wasn't thinking about Lockwood, wasn't curious as to why Miami-Dade was involved in this.She was okay, really."I should be getting back." She pointed her thumb over her shoulder, toward the door.She wasn't wondering who they were trying to track down, or why.She didn't need to know how this mystery person played into this, at all.She was fine."Kate..."His body crowded her space again, fingertips were at her wrist
again.She wasn't thinking about how desperately she needed his hand just a few inches lower, fingers intertwined with hers, calming her with such ease as he would if they were alone."I'll talk to you later," she said with a smile.She wasn't thinking about the boys watching them, studying the interaction, deconstructing each look, each touch.Suddenly, she wasn't thinking at all.She inched forward, stretching to her tiptoes and planted a peck to his cheek.The room was silent as she walked away.After receiving a phone call from Miami-Dade PD, the boys had left to follow up on the Yanavich lead. His presence, apparently, was no longer needed: Esposito had all but ordered him to go home as they left the bullpen.Go home lover boy, they had teased.He didn't need to be told twice.He took the elevator down to the records room - where Beckett had retreated once her temporary team had resigned for the night - stepping out into the near-deserted floor. Walking down the darkened hallway, he headed toward the warm yellow light that shone through the opened door at the other end.He stopped at the door, leaning against the frame and taking a moment to absorb the sight in front of him: Kate, sitting cross legged on the floor, surrounded by a dozen open files.She was too busy scribbling notes on a lecture pad to even notice his presence."You ready to go home?" he asked, beckoning her attention.She looked up at him, smiling warmly, before checking the bulky watch at her wrist."Wow, I got so caught up in this, I didn't realise the time. Sorry.""We can stop for dinner on the way if you'd like."She looked back up at him, leaning her elbows on her thighs.He recognised the look in her eyes: the unspoken apology."I'm just- I'm kinda on a roll with this," she began to explain. I was hoping..."Her voice trailed off as his concern flickered across his face.She knew what he was thinking: she couldn't allow herself to spiral on her own case so he was worried she was going to throw herself into someone else's."Another hour?" she asked for permission, something she would usually never even consider. "Then I promise I'll call it a night."He pushed himself off the door frame, stepping toward her, careful not to tread on any of the files. He held his hands out to her, pulling her to her feet."I can help," he offered, giving her hands a gentle squeeze."I appreciate the offer, but you look exhausted."She slipped her hand from his so that she could straighten the collar of his shirt."You should go home, try to get some sleep," she suggested earnestly."Sleep better with you there," he grumbled, earning him a loving smile."Go home, have some dinner," she ordered. "By the time you're ready to crawl into bed, I'll be there."She leant forward, pressed a chaste kiss to his lips."I'm going to hold you to that," he warned as he began to back out of the room. "One hour.""One hour," she confirmed with a nod of the head.As he started to turn and walk away, something stirred in her stomach, like nervous butterflies."Hey, Rick?" she called out to him.He turned back to her, a sweet smile on his face. "Yeah?"She stepped over the files on the floor, closing the distance between them. With a quick glance down the darkened hallway, she decided they were sufficiently secluded.She leant forward, a hand resting over his heart, and locked her lips to his in a long and slow kiss.She only hoped that it would portray all that she felt, everything she couldn't yet bring herself to say.
I'm sorry.
I love you.
She pulled back, just a few inches."I'll see you soon, okay?"He nodded, brushing stray tendrils of hair from her face. "Okay."As he walked away, her phone began to ring, the trill piercing through the silence of the almost abandoned floor. The sound was cut off as he reached the elevator, her voice was the last thing he heard as the doors began to close."Sir?"
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
May 19, 2011
He had been home for no longer than five minutes when he received her text.
Cap needs help with something, not sure how long it will take. Will see you tomorrow x
He sighed heavily, tossing his phone onto the kitchen counter.Of course, the captain needed her help. Of course, it would be something of the utmost importance and needed to be handled immediately, putting an end to their too short streak of spending each night together."Thanks,
Roy," he muttered sarcastically as he pulled open the refrigerator door.He was tired and grumpy, evidently, and nothing in the fridge seemed at all appealing. So, he opted to skip dinner and go straight to bed.He picked up his phone, reading over her message as he walked toward his bedroom, again and again as if it were some code to decipher.
Cap needs help with something, not sure how long it will take.
Something about this just didn't sit right with him.
Not sure how long it will take.
Had Montgomery not given her any information when requesting her time? Not even enough a rough estimate of how much of it he would be needing?That was kind of a big ask, given the hour. It was already late.Which took him back to his earlier thought: why now? And why her?She was a good cop, sure, but it was no secret that Montgomery favoured her.They had a special relationship; one that went beyond the professional, beyond a mutual respect for one another. But it wasn't something that he ever questioned.That wasn't like him. Why had he never questioned it?Maybe because it benefitted him, too. Montgomery's oddly undefined relationship with Kate was, after all, the reason he was allowed to shadow her. They shifted the blame to the Mayor every chance they got, but Montgomery was the real puppet master here. For whatever reason, he saw Castle as a
good thing
for Beckett. So, no, Castle didn't ask questions. And something told him it would be wise not to start now.He read over her message one more time, just to make sure nothing screamed
I'm under duress, send help!He was about to put it away, shut down that niggling feeling in the pit of his stomach that got obstreperous every time she wasn't with him, when the device began to vibrate in his hand.The name appeared on the screen in large letters, accompanied by an image of the Twelfth Precinct insignia: Captain Montgomery.His stomach dropped and that niggling feeling turned into all out dread, a sickening ache overwhelming him."Is Beckett okay?" he asked as soon as he answered the call - he had no time for pleasantries."I need you at the hanger," Montgomery ordered in a tone that Castle knew not to question, but he couldn't help it.Why was she at the hangar?Was Montgomery with her?Was she in danger? Hurt?His heart was racing, felt like it was creeping up his throat with every beat. He tried to swallow it back down to where it belonged, but he couldn't."Is she okay?" he repeated loudly.Why wouldn't Montgomery just give him an answer?"She will be, but you need to get here fast.""What's goin-" he barely had the words out before the line cut out.Castle arrived at the hangar in record time, breaking more than a few laws in order to do so.As he pulled up behind the metal shed, he noted Kate's car was already there.How did this happen? How did, in a matter of minutes, they go from
Cap needs help with something
to
you need to get here, fast?He entered through the side door, leading him into a small side room that was evidently used for storage. Navigating through boxes, he could hear voices talking.He could feel the tension in the air as he lingered in the sidelines, listening.He heard Kate's voice, measured, strong and steady."Did you kill my mother?"His stomach churned,
what the hell was going on?"No, that was years later," a man answered. Castle recognised the voice as Montgomery, but his brain was struggling to compute what exactly was going on here. "But she died because of what we did that night."Castle halted, the realisation hitting hard.
What we did that night.
Montgomery was the third cop.He shook his head. Obviously there was some misunderstanding.All this time, it was him?All those years of working alongside Kate, watching her lose herself in this case, knowing all along.He should have asked questions earlier."Then who killed her?"He could hear the poorly disguised anger in Kate's voice. The seething venom bubbling within her.All of her progress, all of the hard work they had
both
put into getting her to where she was, was in jeopardy.Because beneath the venom was a scared girl of just nineteen, finally getting the answers she needed. He could hear the confusion, the desperation, the fragility."Give me a name," she demanded. "You owe me that, Roy."Castle inched closer, still unable to see them.
Please, for the love of God, do not give her a name.She wasn't ready for that, not right now."No, Kate. I give you a name, I know you, you'll run straight at him. I might as well shoot you where you stand.""That's why you brought me here, isn't it? To kill me?"His chest tightened, breath faltered. Is that why they were here? Was Montgomery going to kill them, both of them? Silence the only two people who knew of his involvement? It could be easily done.He crept through the door, trying to get a visual, but he couldn't do so while remaining hidden.He moved away from obstruction and into plain view.Kate's back was to him, but he had Montgomery in sight. His eyes drifted down, noting the pistol, the race of his heart kicking up a notch."No, I brought you here to lure them," he explained.Montgomery looked every bit the broken, regretful man Castle now knew him to be. Tears filled his poignant eyes.She was being used as bait.Montgomery looked out across the tarmac. Castle's eyes followed the path until he found what had drawn the Captain's attention. In the distance, a car pulled up and cut the headlights.It was them. He had no doubt in his mind. This was it, this was the end. And, as they stood right now, this wasn't going to end well."And now they're coming." Montgomery's voice broke. "I need you to leave. They're coming to kill you and I'm not going to let them. I'm going to end this."Castle was filled with a deepened sense of urgency, seeing the car start its slow approach, barely visible in the darkness of the night.He started to move toward Kate. He knew why he was called here now: to remove her from this situation, whatever it took."I'm not going anywhere, sir," she argued.Stubborn, as ever. She was going to get them all killed.Montgomery pulled his eyes from Kate, settling on Castle for only a second before returning to the distraught woman in front of him.His mentee, someone Castle knew the captain had grown to care a great deal for, was a broken woman because of his mistakes. Montgomery's guilt was written all over his face."Yes, you are," he said firmly. "Castle, get her out of here."Castle approached her cautiously, conflicted. He had an intense rage burning through his body, a rage he had never felt the likes of before.But he also felt sorrow, guilt.Montgomery's intentions were unmistakable: he was going to end this the only way he knew how."Captain, I –""Don't argue," Montgomery cut him off. "That's why I called you. Get her out of here, now!"The captain's orders were clear:
save her.Castle reached out, placing a hand on her shoulder.She shrugged, pulling herself further away from him."Captain, please, just listen to me," she pleaded desperately. "You don't have to do this.""Kate." Castle reached out again, but she shrugged him off again.With her body turned toward him, she begged: "No, please! No."She turned back to Montgomery. "Sir, I forgive you."She was desperate: desperate to be heard, desperate to rewrite this ending, desperate to not have to say goodbye to another mentor, another friend.The Captain shook his head, swallowed his fears."I forgive you!" she cried, her trembling voice betraying her as the words caught in her throat."This is my spot, Kate," Montgomery asserted. Kate paused, his words sparking recognition within her. "This is where I stand.""No." She shook her head, tears spilling from her eyes. "No!""Castle," Montgomery begged,
help her!But he didn't know how."No!" The break in her voice sucked the air from the room, making it hard to breathe. "No, sir, please listen to me!"Castle's attention was pulled from Kate, his heartbreak temporarily put on hold when he noticed the car approaching the hangar at an increasing speed."You don't have to do this!" she tried to rationalise.There was another way, surely. But they were running out of time.They had seconds, at
most, before Lockwood and his lackeys would be here. Seconds, at most, before they wiped out anyone standing in their way."Castle!" his attention snapped back to Montgomery. "Get her out of here, now!"She extended her hand behind her, haphazardly keeping Castle at a distance."You don't have to do this, sir–"Her pleas were cut short when Castle stepped up and wrapped his arms around her from behind.They
wouldn't
be standing in Lockwood's way.Pulling her back against him, he carried her toward the door he had entered through, using her flailing legs to push it wide open."No! God, Castle!" she cried, struggling to free herself. "Let me go!"She fought against him as he carried her away from Montgomery and out of sight of the approaching vehicle."No! Let me go! Please!"The desperation in her pleading weighed heavy on his heart.He didn't want to be doing this, didn't want to leave Montgomery to try and fend off Lockwood alone.But he didn't have a choice.He knew it wasn't a fair fight, that there was no winning this.He knew in his heart that this was goodbye, that Montgomery wasn't making it out of that hangar alive.But he would do everything in his power to make sure
she
did.Even if it killed him.Even if she hated him for it.With her arms pinned under his, her feet inches from touching the ground, she had no choice but to relent. She was too weak, too tired to continue to fight against him.He pushed through another door, exiting the metal shed, and she hung her head back against his shoulder, freeing the pained cries that sat heavy in her chest.The chilled night air burned in her lungs with each laboured inhale."Rick, please," she sobbed.He lowered her feet to the ground and she took a few unsteady steps before instantly trying to get away from him, weakly pushing his hands from her body as she spun back toward the hangar.He pushed her backward until she leant against the side of his car, gently pressing his body to hers. He was careful not to hurt her, but used enough force that she wouldn't be able to break free.She collapsed against the car, the only thing keeping her upright was Castle's body against hers. Her cries grew louder, uncontrollable as the waves of emotion ripped through her entire body.He feared that they would hear her, that her pain would give them away."I'm sorry," he whispered as he brushed his fingers through her hair. "I'm sorry."And he meant it, wholeheartedly.But his best efforts to sooth her were not enough, as another wave had her shuddering beneath him, crying out, a pain he knew he had never known and would never comprehend fully. She had suffered so much loss.He placed his hand over her mouth, muffling her cries."I'm sorry, I'm so sorry," he repeated, again and again, his voice breaking a little with each repetition. He wished he could take away all the pain she carried with her each day.She touched her fingertips to his face, wiping the drop of his own heartache that had spilled from his eye, sharing their pain, their burden.A gunshot echoed through the air and her body tensed under his weight. Another shot rang out. Then another, and another. With each shot, her body tensed more.He moved his hand from her mouth, pulling her head forward into his chest.Another shot had her fisting the material of his shirt, shoulders shrugged uncomfortably high as she tried to bury herself away from it all.And then there was silence.Seconds passed, and nothing. Nothing more than her sobs and his shaky breath.Her body relaxed in his arms and she slowly lifted her head, loosening her grasp on his shirt.They waited, listening.Another gunshot echoed and they both flinched, clinging to one another.With that final shot, they knew it was over.She was drawn toward the carnage, pushing past him as her legs began to move of their own accord. With each step, she upped her pace until she was running toward the hangar.He stayed, stuck in one spot, for several seconds before he managed to swallow his fear and run after her.He wasn't ready for whatever they were about to walk into, but he knew he couldn't leave her to face it alone.Just a few steps behind her, he entered the hangar, spotting Montgomery's lifeless body not far from where they had left him.He closed his eyes, letting out a heavy breath.This was the final straw for her, and he knew it. She was too fragile for this, he should have protected her from it.He opened his eyes again, watching as she dropped to her knees beside Montgomery's body, leaning over him and touching her forehead to his as she sobbed uncontrollably.Castle walked toward her, slowly, allowing her those precious seconds of privacy. He wanted to comfort her, but he just didn't know how.He reached out, placed a hand on her shoulder and tried to pull her away from Montgomery's body."Don't touch me!" she cried, pushing him away with the force of her entire body.He took a few steps back, giving her some space.She fell back to Montgomery's side, one hand cradling his, the other over her heart as she curled into herself as if she was trying to hide herself from the pain.He could see it clearly: her pain and her anger were crushing her, her sorrow drowning her.He pulled his phone from his pocket, dialled the only people he could think of."Yo, Castle, are you with Beckett?" he answered on the third ring, his voice a mix of angry and sad. "She's not answering her phone."Castle stayed silent, watching as Kate continued to break."Castle, it's important," Esposito's harsh voice was pleasant in comparison to the scene he was watching. "It's Montgomery-""He's the third cop," Castle interrupted, finishing Esposito's sentence, his voice devoid of all emotion. "We are at the hangar. You and Ryan should get here as quick as possible."He paused, Esposito's worried voice echoing through the phone speaker fading away into nothingness.He didn't want to say the words, didn't want it to be real, but he had to warn them. He couldn't let them walk into this blind."Montgomery is dead."By the time the boys arrived, she had shut down completely. Weak and exhausted, she just didn't have the energy for this, for anything.She had given up.Not that anyone could blame her.She remained by Montgomery, sitting with her knees pulled to her chest, hugging them as if her life depended on it. But she no longer looked at him. She wouldn't look at anyone, she just stared off into the distance.She was covered in Montgomery's blood; on her hands, in her hair, a smudge across her face where she had wiped away her tears. He could see patches of her clothing, a darker shade of black than the rest, and he could only assume that too was Montgomery's blood.He couldn't even begin to imagine how she must be feeling right now.Betrayed, surely. Montgomery was one of the few she trusted entirely. And to find out he is,
was, a part of this - a
big
part of this - Castle couldn't begin to understand what this meant for her.Montgomery had known who was behind her mother's death the whole time and he let her run around in circles for years.And then he talks about some bogus second chance, his goal to protect her, as if that justified his silence in any way.Hell,
Castle
felt betrayed by this man. And he could see it in Ryan and Espo, too. They had all built up an image of this man, only to find out it was built on lies.On the other hand, though, she had just lost yet another esteemed person in her life. Someone she considered a role model, a
friend. Someone who had shaped her life so greatly had been taken from her so quickly. Everything she had ever known about him torn down in a single moment. The image she had of him, shredded completely.Yet another wave had crashed over her head, and this time Castle wasn't sure she would find her way back to the surface."Kate..." He stood over her, holding out his hand.He learned from before that it would be best to wait for her, to not force his way into her focus. She needed time.She slowly turned her head, looked up at his hand with tired, hollow eyes."The boys have got this," he relayed their message to her. "Let me take you home."She reached for his hand, tried pulling herself up but her limbs were weak.He lowered himself slightly, placing his other hand under opposite elbow and pulling her, so that she didn't have to use as much energy.She could barely function, the simple task of standing upright had her swaying."Are you right to walk?" he asked, ducking his head to try and meet her eyes but she turned away from him.She took an unsteady step forward.He stepped quickly, catching her before her legs had the chance to give way underneath her."I got you, it's okay."With his hands at her waist, he led her to his car.Not a word was exchanged on the drive back to her apartment. Not that he didn't have a million things he wanted to say, he did. He just didn't know where to start.Even if he did have some idea, he knew any words would fall on deaf ears.She hadn't so much as looked at him. The last time their eyes met was when she was pushing him away, yelling at him to not touch her. Since then, any look in his direction hadn't met his eyes but had fallen straight through him, as if he were a figment of imagination and not actually there to be seen.Even as he guided her to the car - much in the same way he was now guiding her toward her building - she had been zoned out, like he didn't exist.As they stepped out of the elevator and approached her door, he realised he hadn't thought this far ahead."Ah, do you-" He stopped her, turned so that he was facing her and tapped his hand to the pockets of her pants. "Do you have your keys?"He hadn't thought to check her car, to grab anything she might be needing: bag, phone, keys."Kate." He cupped her face, forcing her attention to him. "Keys?"She looked at him as if he was speaking a foreign language."Keys," he repeated.She pat her hand along her thigh and hips, searching herself as he had done, before pulling the key from her back pocket and passing it to him.He unlocked the door, pushing it open, and for the first time in over an hour, she moved of her own accord.She entered the apartment, slowly, scanning the surroundings as if they were unfamiliar to her.He followed, sure to stay close by just in case she needed him.Her eyes settled on the couch, and she seemingly had made her decision.She began to walk toward the light grey fabric sofa and, as much as he wanted to give her this, as much as he wanted to let her flop into it and sleep the nightmare events of today away, he knew that he had to prioritise for her.He took a quick few steps, overtaking her and blocking her path."Kate, you need to clean yourself up first," he urged, pulling her away from the couch.She shook her head but words refused to follow. He could see her eyelids growing heavy, the energy draining from her body at an alarming rate.He could see that she wasn't able to do this herself."Come on."He positioned himself behind her, supporting her by her arms to guide her toward the bathroom. They fumbled with each step they took together, tired and uncoordinated, and when they finally reached the bathroom and he released her from his grasp, she slumped against the wall.He stepped toward the shower, looking back over his shoulder to her. Maybe a shower wasn't the best option right now - not when she could barely hold herself upright.He changed direction, walked over to the bath instead. He turned the faucet on, holding his hand under the stream of water as he adjusted the temperature.He moved back to her, grabbing her hands and slowly pulling her away from the wall. He stepped back, taking small steps to ensure she could keep pace, bringing her closer to the tub. Moving his hands to her shoulders, he manoeuvred her until she was standing in front of the toilet, then lowered her slowly to sit on the closed lid.He knelt in front of her and began removing her boots. She didn't say a word, just stared at the ground as he slowly undressed her. He reached up, his fingers slipped under the chain that held her mother's ring. As soon as he touched it, she grabbed his wrist, halting his movement. Her eyes pierced into him defensively as she clasped the ring in her closed fist."You want to leave it on?"He backed off, leaning back on his haunches.Her eyes softened as she released her grip on his wrist, nodding slowly."Okay, we can leave it on."He shifted, knees digging into the cold tile beneath him as he positioned himself between her legs. He grabbed the hem of her shirt, it was cold and sticky, confirming his assumption that it had been soaked in blood."You ready?" he asked, and she nodded.He lifted the shirt, pulling it over her head, exposing her torso, also sticky and stained. He tried to resist the urge, but he couldn't; his touch was drawn to the swell of life that grew within her. He touched his fingertips to the small patch of skin stained red from where Montgomery's blood had soaked through her shirt, silently thanking the universe that it wasn't her own and that the life underneath the marking had remained unharmed. He didn't want to think about how the events of this night
could
have played out.With closed eyes, he tried to fight off the mental images of Kate lying beside Montgomery, bleeding out. He swallowed the fears that rose like bile in his throat, threatening to choke him.He lowered his head, resting it in her lap. He focused on the taut skin under his fingertips, allowed the hope he held for their future to creep back in and smother every negative thought.She was here with him, physically unharmed. Right now, that was all he would focus on.Her fingers brushed through his hair. Her touch, comforting.He looked up at her, her eyes squeezed shut, tears rolling down her cheeks, her chest rising and falling unevenly from the cries she tried to hold back.He cupped her cheek, supporting the weight of her head in his hand."It's going to be okay," he whispered, ignoring the heaviness he felt in his heart, the doubt that was smothering him.He had no way to know that for sure, but he had to have faith that Montgomery had succeeded, that Montgomery had ended this for her. If he didn't have faith, he had nothing.He rose to his feet, pulling her up with him, his hands gripping her arms to keep her steady.Once he was sure she was stable enough to hold herself up his hands moved down her arms, making their way to her front.He undid the button of her pants, slid them from her hips until they dropped to the ground, pooling at her feet. He held her waist as she stepped out of them, and he kicked them to the side.He took a few steps back toward the bathtub, still holding her so she would follow.He reached down, dipping his fingers into the water to test the temperature before turning off the faucet.He stood upright again, turning his direction back to her. Her eyes hadn't left him, still hollow, burning into him. She had made no attempt to rid herself of her remaining clothing, no attempt to move toward the water that would cleanse her."I'm going to help you, okay?" He wiped her tears, waited for her to acknowledge him, but she didn't.He reached around her back, fingers lingering by the clasp of her bra."If you want me to stop, just say so, okay?"Her bottom lip trembled as she squeezed her eyes shut. After taking a sharp, shaky breath, she nodded.He unhooked the clasp, slipping her bra off and tossing it aside before removing her underwear, too.With his hands at her elbows, he pulled her closer to the edge of the tub, supporting her weight as she stepped in and lowered herself into the warming embrace of water and suds.Immediately, she pulled her knees to her chest, hugging them tight. She turned her face away from him as she rested her head on her knees, her hair falling across her shoulder, saturating the ends as they hung in the water.He watched as her body shook with the tears she was trying to hold back.He stood, grabbed her loofah from the shelf in her shower, the body wash from beside it, before returning to his position by the tub.He ran his fingers through her submerged hair, watching the crimson swirl of blood mingling and diluting into warm water until all pigmentation vanished from sight.He added the familiar smelling vanilla bodywash to her loofah and began to massage the day from her skin, but with her body curled in on itself, there was only so much he could do for her.The silence was unnerving, with nothing but the gentle lapping of water against her body and the sounds of her soft sobbing to fill it."Kate," he whispered, wiping slicked strands of hair from her temple. He wasn't sure if it was sweat, tears or bath water that had them clinging to her face. "Kate, can you look at me? Please?"She hugged her legs tighter, letting out a heavy, shuddering breath."Can you talk to me?" he pleaded. "Just say something, anything at all."He waited, giving her time: to gather words, to gather strength, whatever it was she needed. She didn't move, didn't say anything.He had never felt such a deep sense of helplessness. He wanted to help her, to make everything alright again, but he knew there was nothing he could do. He just wanted to make this easier, but he didn't know how."Are you going to be okay alone for a few minutes while I sort some stuff out?"He waited, again.Seconds passed in silence before she nodded, still turned away from him.He leant across the tub and pressed a kiss to the back of her head before leaving.He made his way to her bedroom and began gathering some clothing for her. From her dresser he pulled a pair of sweatpants, a cotton tee and clean underwear.He stared at the clothes he held, watching his hands tremble as he clutched the material. He needed her to say something, to tell him that she was okay.He needed
her.His phone began to vibrate in his pocket, bringing him out of his trance. Shakily, he pulled it out, answering and pressing it to his ear without so much as glancing at the caller ID."Castle." His name fell from his mouth, a bitter aftertaste.Castle! Get her out of here, Montgomery's voice echoed in his mind.
No! Castle, let me go!
He sucked in a shaky breath, trying to fight off the memories."Dad?" The worried voice grounded him, reinforced his wavering composure. "Are you okay?""Yeah, Pumpkin. I'm alright."He leant his elbows on the dresser in front of him, using it to hold himself steady."What- uh, what's up?" he asked, forcing his voice to remain as steady as possible. "I thought you'd be in bed by now.""You left in a rush before, I just wanted to make sure you were alright.""I am. I, um," he paused, looked around the room. For what, he wasn't sure. "I'm going to stay with Beckett tonight but I, uh, I'll talk to you tomorrow, okay?""Okay."He could hear the hesitation in her voice, the concern, the need for reassurance."Dad, are you sure you're okay?""I'm okay." He smiled, knowing she wouldn't be able to see it, but hoping by some miracle she could feel it. "I love you.""Love you, too, Dad."The line cut off. His phone dropped to the dresser with a loud
thud
before slipping over the edge and onto the floor.As his phone fell, so did his composure. He kept his weight balanced on the wooden drawers, hanging his head to rest on his wrists as tears began to fill his eyes. He squeezed them shut, trying to keep the waterworks at bay.He hurt: his head pounded, his throat was dry, his heart had shattered.He wished he could just curl up in bed and go to sleep. In the morning, the sun would rise on a new day and he could convince himself this was nothing more than another bad dream.A nightmare.A sob escaped from him without permission, and he fought hard to regain himself before he passed the point of no return.He stood upright, sucking in a deep, shaky breath, filling his lungs to capacity. He closed his eyes again, letting the breath out slowly.He inhaled again, held the air in his lungs as he counted, then released. Again and again, until the heaviness in his chest was no longer as defined.He picked up his phone, stuffing it back into his pocket before making his way back to the bathroom.He placed them on the vanity, ready for her, before sitting on the cold tiles.He knew she probably wanted some space right now, but he just couldn't bring himself to leave her.He sat, watching, waiting for her to need him. That moment may never come, but if it did, he would be ready.
May 20, 2011 (9w2d)
He leant his forehead against the wood grain of her front door, taking a second to himself before opening the door.They'd have questions, no doubt. Questions he wasn't sure if he could answer.He stood upright, took a deep breath and scrubbed his hand across his forehead. Tucking away his own hurt, he pulled open the door."Come on in," he said, stepping aside to let Ryan and Esposito into Kate's apartment. He closed the door behind them before leading them to the lounge. "She's, uh, she's just getting herself cleaned up. She shouldn't be too long."He looked toward the partially closed bathroom door: she had been in there
too long
now. The water would be cold, she would be starting to freeze, fingertips pruning.He considered going back in there, checking in on her. He didn't want to hover, but he had never seen her shut down quite like this and, he couldn't lie, it scared him."How is she?" Ryan asked, his voice barely loud enough to pull Castle from his panicked thoughts.He turned his attention back to the boys, trying to form the words he needed to answer. In all honesty, he didn't know."She hasn't said a word since we left the hangar," he informed them, his concern for her completely unmasked."What were you doing there?" Esposito asked.Castle recognised the tone from the many interrogations he had observed. Esposito - much like Kate - was quick to don the emotional armour, to bury his grief under his cop persona. But he was hurting."Montgomery called me, told me to be there." He crossed his hands in his lap, trying to ease the compulsive urge to fidget. "She was already there when I arrived.""Internal affairs took over the scene," Esposito began to explain. "She's going to have to give her statement. They'll probably call her first thing," he warned."What did you tell them?" Kate asked as she inched her way out of the seclusion of her bathroom, dressed in the clothes Castle had left her, wet hair drenching the collar and shoulders of her shirt.Castle rose to his feet. The sound of her voice after too much silence was like music to his ears. He fought off the urge to go to her, to wrap her in his arms and hold her as long as she would allow. Her need to persevere was too evident to ignore."Kept it brief," Esposito told her, standing beside Castle. Ryan also stood, turning his attention to Beckett. "Received a call, caller was in distress and we weren't aware of what we were walking into."Her eyes scanned their faces, trying to read their expressions."Good," she said, moving toward the group."Good?" Ryan repeated, questioning her statement. How was any of this
good?"No one outside this immediate family ever needs to know about this. As far as the world is concerned, Roy Montgomery died a hero.""Beckett," he began to counter."We owe it to him," she cut off his protest. "All of us.""He lied to you." Ryan's voice was shaky and barely audible. "How do you just forgive that?"Her eyes dropped to the floor. She hadn't forgiven him, it wouldn't be that easy. She wanted to hate him - every fibre of her being
wanted
to hate him - but she couldn't.Montgomery would have known this day was coming; the second he found her going over her mother's case file, all those years ago, he would have known that she might actually eventually find something. But he never tried to stop her. Every time she went down this rabbit hole, every time she opened old wounds and found herself digging around the case, he was there making sure she had whatever resources she needed.He knew this day would come, sooner or later."He made a mistake.""A mistake?" Esposito angrily repeated her absurd justification."A
colossal
mistake," she corrected herself in an attempt to appease the boys' apparent need for outrage. "And for the past decade he's been trying to right what he made wrong. He
died
trying to make it right.""Aren't you angry?" Ryan asked, a tear escaping the duct of his right eye.She let out a huff of air, a paradoxical laugh."Angry doesn't even begin to describe what I'm feeling right now. What I'm sure we are
all
feeling."She watched as Ryan tried to calm his emotion, swallowing hard and wiping frantically at the tears threatening to fall.She knew she was asking a lot of them,
too much.
She stepped forward, pulling Ryan into her comforting embrace."Go home," she whispered as she squeezed him tight. His arms tightened around her in response."IA is going to want to talk to us all." She pulled away from Ryan. "We should all try to get a little sleep before then."Castle didn't miss the flicker of her eye in his direction. She was still trying to avoid meeting his gaze.He lingered as the boys said their goodbyes and left.Once they were alone again, he approached her, determined to address the tension."Kate-""I'm tired, Castle." She cut him off, voice stern, eyes watering.He had been so worried that she was shutting down but apparently she was just shutting him out.He had stood in her way, stopped her from taking her stand by Montgomery's side. But didn't she see that he didn't have any other choice?Anger flurried in his chest as his jaw clenched.He tried to bite his tongue, to swallow his argument, but he wasn't ready to be painted as the bad guy."You know what? Be mad," he growled. "You're alive. I did the right thing."He turned, ready to make his escape, too cowardly to face any sort of response from her. He couldn't handle her hating him, not right now, not when he needed her so desperately. Run, avoid, delay the inevitable - that was his plan, it's what they did best, right?Her grip on his forearm stopped him in his tracks. She pulled gently, guiding him back toward her."You did the right thing," she assured him, locking her eyes to his. "I did the wrong thing."He hadn't expected that. "What?""I promised-" Her sentence was cut short by the emotional break of her voice. She swallowed hard, trying to rid her throat of the lump forming within. "I never should have gone to the hangar. I just-"She took a deep breath, trying to control her emotions, but she couldn't fight them off."You trusted Montgomery," he finished her thought for her, and she broke.Tears fell, an impossible amount. Surely the well would run dry soon.He pulled her into his arms, her face buried into his chest as she cried."I'm sorry, Castle," she said as she sucked in a breath. "I'm so sorry."He held her close, brushed his fingers through her hair."Please, don't leave me.""I'm not going anywhere." He pressed a kiss to her hair. "I promise."
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
May 20, 2011 (9w2d)
Heavy rain beat against the windows; the gentle
ting, ting, ting
of hail against glass was the only sound to break through the pelting of the downpour.The storm seemed to call to her, inviting her in with the promise of purifying her, washing her clean of all her pain, her grief, her doubts.If only it could be that easy.Deep in his sleep, Castle muttered something unintelligible, drawing her attention away from the misery outside her bedroom window.His arm was wrapped securely around her body, holding her against his side, keeping her anchored and safe from drifting toward that torrential siren call.She shifted her head, resting it in the centre of his chest and focussing on the steady beating of his heart, the sound of his soft, even breaths.She couldn't remember how they got here. She couldn't really remember much of anything since leaving the precinct earlier.Castle's kiss goodbye lingered on her lips, Montgomery's phone call but a distant memory. The drive to the hangar and everything that followed was all a kind of blur, like a fever dream.But the dull aching in her chest served as a reminder that none of it was a dream.She shut her eyes, tried to swallow back the emotion that was rising in her throat, to no avail. She pressed her palm to her mouth trying to stop the shakiness of each inhale, but it couldn't suppress her cries.Her tears fell, slowly beginning to soak his shirt where her temple was pressed to his chest. She didn't want to wake him, but the harder she tried to hold it in, the more her body fought against her, fought for release.His arms tightened around her, and he pressed a kiss to her forehead."Don't bury it," he whispered, his voice a mix of sleepy and sad. "It's okay, let it out."She fisted the material of his shirt, burying her face in his chest as she let the tears fall freely.His fingers combed through her hair. He didn't say anything, just held her. And, after a few painful minutes, her tears ran dry and she drifted back to sleep.Barely an hour later, her body jolted awake, tense and alert.Her eyes searched the darkened room for whatever had woken her, but she saw nothing out of the usual.She removed Castle's hand from where it draped casually over her abdomen, careful not to wake him up, and sat upright, planting her feet firmly on the ground.She inhaled deeply, exhaled slowly, breathing her way through the nausea that danced deep in the pit of her stomach.A bang against her front door sent a surge of fear to her heart, sucking the breath from her lungs. She craned her neck toward the sound, waiting - for what, she wasn't quite sure.The panic that thundered through her chest almost had her convinced that Lockwood would break through her door any second now.She had seen him there, on the hangar floor, Montgomery's slug in his chest. Logically she knew he couldn't hurt her, not anymore. But she still felt vulnerable, like the antelope that senses the lion's presence, but cannot see him.Another bang echoed through the walls, pulling her to her feet and sending her searching for her weapon. Logic be damned, she wouldn't go down without a fight.Perhaps a new gun for hire had been assigned the task of finishing what Lockwood couldn't. Someone who didn't waste time with stealth, someone who was loud, a little messy, but guaranteed to get the job done by sheer will and brute force.With her piece pressed to her thigh, she swallowed her fear and tiptoed toward her front door.She held her breath as she looked through the peephole in her door, angling her head left and right to see as much as possible. She saw nothing, but the panic remained, sickeningly persistent.She slid the chain lock from its catch, turned the knob lock. Inhaling deeply, she steadied the slight shake of her hand before pulling open the door and stepped out into the corridor.Gun ready - in her favoured
Weaver
stance - she turned left, staring down the empty hallway. A metallic jingle from behind her made her spin on her heels."Woah! Woah!" The figure stumbled back, fumbling and falling to the ground. "Don't shoot, please!"She lowered her weapon, relief filling her as she took in the sight of her neighbour's teenaged son, hands raised to the ceiling."Jason, what the hell are you doing?"She walked toward him, holding out a hand to help him back to his feet. In one heave, she pulled him to his feet - the boy's lanky stature working to her advantage."Are you drunk?" She didn't have to ask, she could smell the alcohol on his breath, see that his eyes were bloodshot, even in the dim lighting. "Your mother is going to kill you.""Says the lady waving the gun," he retorted.She looked down at her hand, knuckles white from the death grip she had on the piece. She tucked it into the waistband of her sweatpants, at her lower back."Sorry." She wrapped her fingers around the keychain in his hand. "Let me help you."He released his grip of the keys and she turned to unlock the door for him."Thanks, neighbour," he said with a sloppy two finger salute as he stumbled inside, into the open living room, and flopped onto the couch, face down in the cushions.She rolled her eyes, stepped into the apartment and placed his keys on the hook by the door. Turning the knob lock, she shut the door as she stepped back out into the hallway.She glanced down each end of the corridor, just to be sure, before walking back into her apartment.She pressed her back against the door after she locked it, closing her eyes and hanging her head back, tapping it lightly against the hardwood door."Kate?"Her eyes shot open, gasping as her hand flew to her chest, smothering the anxious prickle of nerves under her skin. She had been startled by the unexpected presence in the room."Castle, you scared me!""Everything okay?" Castle asked groggily, his face lightly illuminated by the moonlight.She walked toward him, cupped his face and offered the warmest smile she could muster despite the ferocity of her beating heart."Yeah, just the neighbour." She brought her lips to his, lingering just millimetres away. "Go back to bed," she whispered before pressing a kiss to his mouth."I'll stay with you," he offered."I'm coming to bed," she assured him. "Just want to make sure everything is locked up first."He narrowed his eyes, studying her for a brief moment. "Are you okay?"Her stomach dropped. She hated how easily he could read her, that her best attempts at hiding her fears were futile in his presence."I'm scared." The whispered confession fell from her lips with an ease she wasn't used to.She didn't do this; didn't let people in, didn't show her vulnerabilities. But things were different now, she was finally starting to accept that.He wrapped his arms around her waist, holding her close, and she clutched the fabric of his shirt, pressing her ear to his chest. Her shaky, shallow breathing, the tremor of her hands, the gun tucked into the waistband of her pants all indicated exactly how scared she was. And yet - in his arms, listening to the beating of his heart - she felt like nothing could hurt her."Me too," he admitted with a heavy sigh."What if this isn't over?"He closed his eyes, ran his hand up and down her back in slow, soothing strokes.He focused on the movement, using the steady, regular motion to help calm his own flurry of emotion that was brewing inside."I think..." He paused, gathering his thoughts. "I think that Montgomery had a plan. He had to, right? He said that he was going to end this."She pulled from his arms so that she could look him in the eye. Her tears had them glossed and hazy, but even that couldn't hide her confusion."But how?"She took a step back, pushed her hair back away from her face using both of her hands.How could Montgomery leave her like this? Completely in the dark, to face this all alone."I still have no idea who is behind all of this," she said, her rage beginning to boil to the surface. "And they can easily just send someone else after me."Castle swallowed. She said it, voiced it out loud, the thought he had been holding back.
They could just send someone else...
Whoever was behind this obviously had no qualms about sending another clean up team. Everyone was expendable in one man's mission to tie up his loose ends. Everyone was expendable in one man's mission to stop Kate from digging."I don't want to live in fear, Castle.""I know."He didn't want to live in fear, either.The future held so much potential for them; as partners, as lovers, as a family.He needed, more than anything, to believe that this was over. But naïvety was never a friend."I just - I can't tell you that this is over, I can't tell you that Montgomery has
actually
put an end to this but I just can't- this can't have all been for nothing."Nothing. A waste of time, a waste of a life.
The reality hit him all at once, knocking the wind from his lungs."I have to believe- I have to believe that-" he choked, unable to get the words out as tears spilled from his eyes.She stepped back into his space, her hand finding his cheek, soothing him with her touch. She blinked back her own tears as she pressed her forehead to his, trying to calm their shared inferno of thoughts."I'm not going to lose you, Kate," he whispered.And she repeated his words, like a mantra, like a desperate prayer. "You're not. You're not.""Why did you go there?" he demanded, his fingers tangling through her hair as he gripped the back of her head. "Why didn't you come home to me?"His anger freed the tears that welled in her eyes. They flowed readily as any excuses she had got caught in her throat.She shook her head, setting the words free: "I'm sorry, Castle.""You promised.""I know. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry."There was nothing more that she could say. Nothing else mattered, just that she genuinely was sorry.She pressed her lips to his - desperate for the connection, desperate for the reprieve - but he pulled back.He looked into her eyes; still hollow, a ghost of what used to be.He was filled with so much hate, so much anger.At Lockwood for being the face that haunted them.At McCallister for the idiocy that was kidnapping mobsters for ransom.At Montgomery for being a stupid rookie, for believing in a stupid cause, for letting Kate in, gaining her trust and then betraying her so spectacularly.At Raglan for burying the lead on Johanna Beckett's murder to cover his own actions.At the man behind this all and everyone - past, present and future - that was involved.And at her for being so blinded by her hurt that she had walked right into this. Montgomery had lured her there, used her as bait, and Castle had no doubt in his mind that it was an all too easy task.He was angry.
So angry. But he didn't hate her. He
couldn't
hate her.He loved her. Unconditionally.He moved in, claiming her lips and kissing her fiercely.He was distracting himself from reality - from the fear, the anger, the hurt - and they both knew it, but neither one of them cared. They had lived to see another day. What that day would hold for them, they did not know. But, regardless, they would cherish this.
"Captain?" she called out.
In the still of the night, her voice echoed through the near-empty hangar, bouncing off the metal walls.
She brushed her fingers along the tail of the helicopter, the black gloss paint cold to the touch. She traced the outline of the holes left by the hail of her bullets.
"Roy, are you here?" she called out again.
"Looking for someone?" She heard the voice behind her, spinning on her heels to confirm her fear: it was Lockwood.
She reached for her gun but her holster was empty.
"Oh, that's unfortunate," Lockwood teased with a menacing grin.
He looked down at his hand, and there it was: her gun. Slowly, he raised it, holding it up by his shoulder.
"How did you manage to lose your gun, Detective?"
She didn't understand.
Straightening his elbow, Lockwood held the gun outstretched to the side. He didn't look away from Kate as he pulled the trigger.
Her eyes followed the path the bullet had taken, stopping once they landed on Montgomery.
"No!"
Montgomery dropped to his knees, clutching his chest. Blood poured through the gaps between his fingers, dripping down his arms.
She started to move toward him, desperate to do something, anything to try and save him. But Lockwood redirected the aim of her weapon, locked on her.
She froze in place; she wasn't ready to die. All she could do was watch as Montgomery dropped to his side, bleeding out.
"Kate!"
She looked around the hangar, in search of Castle, but she couldn't see him.
"Kate!"
The voice was growing closer, and her panic grew stronger. He shouldn't be here, it was too dangerous.
He ran into the hangar, unaware of the immediate threat.
"Castle!"
She needed to warn him, but it was too late.
Lockwood took aim, pulled the trigger with a smile on his face.
Castle dropped to the ground.
"Castle, no!"
Her feet became unstuck and she ran to him, dropping to her knees beside him. Her hands covered the hole in his chest, applying pressure to his wound. Blood seeped through, coating her hands in warm, glistening crimson.
"Hold on, Castle," she urged, her voice shaky and brimming with fear.
His tear-filled eyes met hers.
"You're going to be okay, I promise."
But it was too late. She felt the laboured beating of his heart beneath her palms slowing to a stop. She watched as the light left his eyes.
"Kate," Lockwood called to her, making his way toward her.
He raised the gun again.
"Kate!"
He pulled the trigger.
"Kate!"She startled awake, gasping for breath, tears streaming down her cheeks.She tried to move, but she couldn't."Kate, it's okay. You're okay," he repeated the words, again and again.
You're okay.He repeated them until she believed them.She looked down at her wrists, pinned to her stomach by Castle's firm grip.She didn't understand, why was he pinning her down?"You were thrashing around," he explained, as if he could read her mind. "I didn't want you to hurt yourself."He released his grip, shifting back to his side of the bed.She wiped her tears away with the back of her hand and focused on her breathing. Focused on separating her dream from reality, on Castle sitting beside her, alive and well."I'm sorry," she said once the rapid beating of her heart began to settle again."You want to talk about it?"She shook her head, no. She didn't want to, couldn't. She wasn't capable of forming the words right now."I'm here if you change your mind."She nodded, swallowed hard. "Thank you."He wrapped his arm around her, pulling her close.She nestled into his side, letting out a heavy breath.She allowed her hands to roam his chest, slowly, purposefully feeling for wounds, only stopping once she was satisfied.
It was just a dream.
She lay staring at the ceiling. Sleep had evaded her since Castle had pulled her from her nightmare almost two hours ago. She had been drifting in and out but was never able to fully succumb to slumber.With a heavy sigh, she rolled onto her side to face Castle.His face was only part visible; partially sunken into the pillow, the exposed half still partially hidden by shadows cast through her bedroom window.He looked at peace, so carefree and unburdened by the heaviness of their reality right now.The corner of his mouth twitched, and she wondered what he was dreaming about. She could only hope his dreamland hadn't darkened, like hers had. That his dreams still shone as brightly as he did."You're staring," he muttered, sleepily, his eyes still closed.A smile spread across her face; she was
so
busted."Sorry," she whispered. But she wasn't sorry; not for this.He forced his eyes open, blinking rapidly as they adjusted to the soft light of the rising sun."Did you get any sleep?" he asked as he swept a lock of hair behind her ear before resting his hand on her hip.She considered lying, an attempt to ease the concern that was radiating from him, but she knew there was no point."Not really." She wriggled her body closer to his. "You?""A little," he mumbled against her forehead, pressing a kiss to her hairline. "I'll make you some coffee."He pulled his hand from her hip but, before he could move it too far away, she reached for his wrist and pulled him back into place."Can we stay like this?" she asked shyly. "Just for a little bit longer?""Of course."He pressed his hand to her lower back, pulling her in as close as possible, breathing her in.She snuggled into him, closing her eyes and just basking in the warmth of his embrace."I like this," she confessed. "I mean, circumstance aside, I like just being with you."He smiled, lazily tracing his fingers along her back. "Well, maybe we can go away somewhere. Stay in bed as long as we like, lounge around all day reading or watching TV.""I'd like that.""I- uh." He shifted, propping himself up on his elbow. He hadn't expected her to be open to the idea, so he started planning before she could change her mind. "We can go to my place in the Hamptons, if you want? We can leave right now, just say the word."She watched him as he tried to temper his enthusiasm. As much as she would love to take off right now, she knew that wasn't possible.As if on cue, her phone began to ring.She rolled, grabbed her phone from the nightstand."Beckett," she answered, flopping back into her pillows. "Mmhmm. Okay. Yes, thank you."She ended the call, tossed the phone onto the comforter and groaned, pulling herself up to a sitting position."I have to be at the precinct at eight-thirty to talk to Internal Affairs," she informed Castle. "You can probably expect-"Castle's ringtone echoed from the armchair in the corner of the room, where he had discarded his pants in the early hours of the morning."A call," Kate finished with a sigh, looking in the direction of the interruption."I suppose I better get that.""Yeah."He tossed the comforter aside and pulled himself from the bed, hurrying to get to his phone before it stopped ringing. "Castle."The idea of staying in bed wasn't nearly as inviting as it had been when he was beside her. She freed her legs from the comforter, planting her feet on the floor beside her. Her muscles were sore, tense from a stressful and sleepless night.With a groan, she pulled herself from the bed and stretched her arms above her head before slowly plodding toward the bathroom. She tucked her thumbs into the waistband of her sweats, pushing down. In one swift movement, she dropped them and kicked them into the laundry pile, while continuing on her journey.With a little luck, a hot shower would help loosen her muscles, rejuvenate her a little before having to talk to IA.She reached for the taps, turning them and allowing the stream of water to adjust to the desired temperature.Her reflection in the mirror caught her eye. She wasn't sure if it was the angle, the lighting, or the result of reaching breaking point, but the woman that stared back at her looked...
different.Tired, yes. Sad, definitely. But Kate was no stranger to seeing that in her reflection.This woman was
softer. She didn't don the armour that Kate usually would. She had embraced the pain, she wasn't trying to hide from it. And she was better for it.She was stronger than Kate ever had been.Kate brought her right hand up to her chest, slid her palm up toward her neck as her fingers traced her collarbones. She was losing weight, a noticeable amount - it was no wonder Castle had been hounding her about trying to eat more lately.Her eyes drifted down the length of the mirror, stopping once they landed on the most visible change in her reflection, her hand following the path down her body.Her left hand mirrored the positioning of the right, resting either side of her navel, cradling the forming bump.Castle appeared in the doorway and their eyes met through the mirror."It's noticeable now," she said softly, neither excited nor saddened by the fact.Castle shrugged. "Not overly."She dropped her hands, glared at his reflection."Okay,
we
notice it because we know it's there."Her eyes drifted back down the mirror to her stomach, and she poked her index finger to the bump. It was firmer than it looked.He walked up behind her, nestled his chin in the curve where her shoulder met her neck, and wrapped his arms around her waist.She leant into him, allowed her head to roll back against his shoulder as they locked eyes through the mirror again. He reached for her hands, tangling his fingers through hers and redirecting her touch back to her bump."You doing okay?" he asked, cautiously broaching this conversation.He had wondered, for weeks now, how she would handle the changes her body would undergo, especially when she was still processing the fact that she was pregnant.She nodded, a soft smile tugging at the corners of her mouth.He smirked. "Just decided to stop and take a moment to check yourself out?""No," she argued, playfully. "It caught me by surprise. I feel like it's doubled in size overnight."Castle dropped her hands and moved around to stand in front of her, his hands returning to her body quickly."He's just making his presence know," he stated, as if it were a matter of fact and not just a nice thought. "A reminder that even on the worst days-""There's a possibility for joy," she finished the thought with a bright smile.He looked at her with intense eyes, like he was studying her, waiting for a crack in the façade."I'm okay, Castle." She cupped his face and tilted her head to meet his eyes. "Really."He sighed, nodded his head. She understood why he was hesitant to believe her."I have to go home, get ready. See you at the precinct?"She nodded. "Yeah."He leant in, kissed her goodbye and then very reluctantly left.Even now, when they had no reason to believe there was any
immediate
threat, he hated the idea of being away from her.His stomach was in knots as he arrived at the precinct. Knots that had joined the circus, started a tumbling act. Flip after flip, growing faster and more violent with each step he took toward the building."Hey," Esposito greeted, startling Castle as he rounded the corner. "You good, bro?"They began walking into the building together."Yeah. Uh, nervous, I guess. I didn't really think about this having to be investigated.""They just need to find out what happened, do what they can to make sure it doesn't happen again," Esposito reassured him. "In saying that, though, if there is someone they shift the blame to, they will. And Beckett has asked me to make sure you're prepared."Castle fidgeted with his jacket sleeve. "Prepared?"Esposito stopped, pressed the back of his hand to Castle's bicep to ensure he stopped, too."These guys are trained to interrogate the people who are trained in interrogation," Esposito warned. "You think Beckett is impressive in the box, she's got nothing on these guys. They're gonna hand you a noose and hope you hang yourself with it."Castle shifted his weight from one foot to the other. "That's, uh, comforting. Thank you.""Look, just make sure you listen carefully to each question they ask. These guys ask very specific questions in a very specific way. Pay attention, take your time to answer."Esposito started to move again, toward the elevator. Castle followed eagerly."Won't they think I'm lying if I take my time?""No." Esposito shook his head, pressing the button mounted to the wall; one, two, three times in rapid succession.Castle made a mental note that the detective was anxious, not a good sign."They're not asking what you had for breakfast," he continued as they stepped into the empty elevator. "They're going to expect you to have to think, to recall memory.""Okay.""As soon as you're in the room, ask if you are under investigation or if you are here as a witness to the event."Castle's brows knitted together as he shot a worried glance in Esposito's direction. "Why would I be under investigation?""You're not. But you need to get them to clarify that, as soon as possible," Esposito explained, hoping to ease some of the writer's nerves. "If you're under investigation you're going to want a lawyer. They don't want you to have a lawyer; lawyers get in the way.""Right, so they won't tell me if they don't have to," Castle furthered the explanation, demonstrating he understood. "But if I ask they have to clarify.""Exactly." Esposito smiled, silently proud of how quickly Castle was absorbing his crash course on surviving an Internal Affairs investigation. "They're going to ask you if you've talked to anyone about what happened - don't deny it. We all went to Beckett's place to check on her and there's a good chance they already know we were there."The elevator doors opened."Got it," Castle said with an affirming nod of the head, stepping off into the bullpen."Don't refuse to answer any questions," came his final warning. "You're not a cop, you'll be booted instantly. Refusal to answer is as good as admission of guilt."Castle sighed, looking around the floor for his partner. "Is Beckett here yet?""She's fine, bro. Focus."He continued to look. "Where is she?"He sure could use her, right now. Just a smile, maybe a sly touch of the hand, to calm his nerves."She's done this before. She's fine, she needs to know that you can handle this."His focus returned to Esposito, who seemed to be studying him with an uneasiness."I can handle this," he reassured his friend.Ryan walked over to the pair, having come from near the interrogation rooms."They just took her in," he informed them quietly. "Two more agents arrived, too. I think they're going to divide and conquer.""Mister Castle?" A woman's voice called over the busy hum of the bullpen.The three of them looked over in unison.The woman pushed her long, black hair over her shoulder as she waited, smiling. Her bright, blue eyes seemed to twinkle under the florescent lighting of the bullpen.Esposito slapped his palm to Castle's shoulder. "Good luck, bro."He followed the woman - and the
click clacking
of her stiletto heels - through the short hall to interrogation room two, where an older, gruffer male agent waited."Mister Castle," the man greeted with a half-smile. "Please, sit." He held his hand outstretched, motioning to the empty seat usually reserved for suspects."You're in my usual seat," he joked as he sunk down onto the worn seat cushion.The two agents shared an amused look as they, too, settled into their seats."Mister Castle, I'm Agent Sheridan," the man began. "And this is Agent Firth."The female agent,
Agent Firth, smiled.He wasn't blind, he didn't lack the foresight to see how this was going to play out. They were setting the groundwork for a game of
good cop, bad cop. If necessary, Agent Sheridan would come down hard: bad cop. And then, Agent Firth and all her beauty would swoop in with that soft, reassuring smile: good cop.
If there is someone they can shift the blame to, they will.
Esposito's warning remained at the forefront of his mind. They could give it their best try."You can call me Rick," he offered with a smile."Very well, Rick." Sheridan pulled a file from his suitcase and began reading over them. "Let's dive right in, shall we? Why were you at the hangar last night?""Montgomery called me and asked me to meet him there," Castle explained.xKate sat in interrogation room one, staring at her reflection in the two-way mirror, curious as to who was watching from the other side. "He said he had a possible lead." She finished her answer, looking to the agent that stood towering over her, an intimidation technique she was familiar with.Agent Wessling, he had introduced himself as. His partner, Agent Durand, sat across from her, jotting notes as she answered their questions."But you weren't working this case, correct?" Agent Durand asked, removing his eyes from his notes for the first time since her interrogation started.They had done some digging; she wasn't surprised.xAgent Firth rested her chin on her hand, listening intently to Castle's answers. He could see her concentration in the crease that formed between her brows."Did she ask to be reassigned, or did the captain make the decision for her?" she asked him."With the connection to her mother's case, she had asked to be reassigned," Castle explained. "Captain Montgomery had her working on a robbery-homicide.""So..." Agent Firth looked to her partner, seemingly asking him for permission to continue. He nodded. "She had no reason to be at the hangar."x"No," Kate answered, truthfully. "I had no reason to be there, other than my captain had called and asked me to meet him there."Agent Durand went back to writing his notes. Kate had been trying to get a read on him, but the man remained unreadable."Am I under investigation?" Kate asked, chewing on the inside of her lip as she awaited their answer.x"No, Mister Castle, you are not under investigation," Agent Firth smiled."We are investigating the death of Captain Roy Montgomery. You are here as a witness, here to provide insight," Sheridan explained.Castle shuffled in his seat, nodding his understanding.x"Why would you be under investigation, Detective Beckett?" Wessling pried. "Have you done something wrong?""I broke protocol," Kate offered. "I went to the hangar without backup.""I thought Mister Castle was with you?" Wessling referred to his own notes."No, he arrived after I did," Kate informed them.x"And then what happened?""And then... he sent us away." Castle hung his head low, acutely aware of his body language in the moment. "We, Detective Beckett and I, went off in search of another shed that could have been used to store another getaway vehicle."x"Most of the aerodrome is covered by security cameras and yet we never got footage of Lockwood leaving," Kate relayed the cover story they had fine-tuned in her living room. "Montgomery thought that maybe they hid out somewhere, or that they were snuck out somehow. Castle and I went to search for anything that could offer some insight," she finished with a shrug.x"We heard the gunfire," Castle swallowed as the memory of Kate, sobbing as she wiped his tears, flashed to the forefront of his mind.xKate pushed the heel of her palm to the corner of her eye, dissolving the tears that threatened to spill. "By the time we got back to the hangar, we were too late."She stormed out of interrogation one and over to her desk, head down and arms crossed in front of her chest protectively.She couldn't keep her tears from falling and, as much as she hated the idea of the entire bullpen witnessing her cry, she hated the idea of Wessling and Durand picking it apart even more.She could feel the eyes on her - some sympathetic, some distrusting, angry - and she felt like she would crumble under the pressure."You okay?" Castle asked as he approached from the break room, drawing her attention from whatever thoughts had her otherwise occupied.His tag team of agents had finished up with him almost fifteen minutes earlier, advising him to go home and rest, but he had wanted to wait for her.They had taken Ryan and Esposito into Montgomery's old office immediately after but their discussions had lasted no longer than five minutes."I've been placed on administrative leave until further notice," she informed him, with a sniffle. She looked over his shoulder, straightening her posture as the boys approached. "You guys good?""We're being sent home," Ryan complained."Until further notice," Esposito added."Why? You guys weren't even there.""You called them in," Kate explained, carefully measuring her voice so that he didn't think she was putting unnecessary blame on him."And we didn't call Jersey PD until after you two left," Esposito added for further clarification."It doesn't make sense for Montgomery to have been there. They'll take a couple of days, compare notes and make sure there was nothing shady going on," Ryan reassured the anxious writer. "We'll all be back at work within the week.""This is pretty standard." Kate shrugged. "It just sucks."She grabbed her belongings from her desk and the four of them walked toward the elevator."Do you need a lift home?" Castle asked, his voice hushed, as they all entered the elevator.She shook her head, but kept her eyes glued to the metals doors in front of her. "No, thank you.""You okay?""A little overwhelmed," she confessed, swallowing her pride. She clenched her fists, her nails biting into her palms.He knew not to push her, not when they weren't alone, but he leant against the wall, watching as she fought back the rising emotion.The four of them stood together in silence, riding to the ground floor. As soon as the doors opened, she began to stride, taking long purposeful steps to get her out of the precinct as quick as possible. He pushed off the wall, matching her pace."Kate, slow down," he called out to her."I just want to go home, Castle," she called back over her shoulder. "I can't be here anymore."She unclenched her fists, shaking her hands, unable to take the pain anymore.He grabbed her forearm and pulled her toward him, the force stopping her in her tracks."Okay, then let me take you home.""I told you, I don't need a lift." Her eyes darted nervously, avoiding his.He cupped her face, forced her focus."Kate." With his free hand, he reached for hers, tracing his thumb along the crescent moon markings she had dug into her palm. "What happened in there?""Did you see his office?" she cried, letting her guard down. "They've cleaned it out already.""Yeah, I saw," he said softly, hanging his head low.He pulled her into him, wrapping his arms around her."I need to go home. I need to see my family.""I understand that," she whispered into his shirt."I want you to come with me," he confessed. "Please."She pulled herself from his arms, looking into his eyes."There's something I have to do," she told him. "I think- I think I need your help.""Are you ready?" he asked as they walked into his office, closing the door behind them."Uh, no, not really."She pulled her phone from her pocket, staring at the screen, trying to convince herself that she was ready, that she was capable. It had to be done.She inhaled, held for five, then exhaled, pushing the call button under his name before she could talk herself out of it.As she listened to the dial tone reverberating through the phone, she looked at Castle. He gave her a comforting smile and took a few steps backward, giving her some space.
Hey, it's Josh. Leave a message and I'll get back to you as soon as I can.
The short, mechanical
beep
indicated it was her turn to speak, that her message would be recorded and passed along, leaving the ball in Josh's court.She took a deep breath, readied herself to take this next step."Hi Josh, it's Kate. I-uh, can you let me know when you're free? We need to talk."
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
May 21 (9w3d)
She strolled aimlessly through the park for a while, knowing she was far earlier than necessary.She had woken before the sun, tossed and turned for almost an hour before deciding that trying to get back to sleep would be a worthless exercise. Not wanting to wake Castle, she snuck out of the loft, opting to shower and ready herself for the day in her own apartment.But even with that detour, she had almost a half hour of time to fill in. The drive from the city usually took around forty-five minutes, but she caught minimal traffic on the way and has arrived in just a little more than thirty.The golden rays of sunshine that peaked through the tree tops warmed her face. Summer was creeping in slowly and soon enough the morning breeze would lose the last traces of its springtime freshness. She inhaled deeply, savouring the tranquillity that the inner-city parks lacked, even in the early hour of the morning.She walked one of the jogging routes - part of it, anyway - until she came across a coffee cart. Checking her watch, she decided that enough time had passed and, if she bought coffees now, they should still be hot by the time her father arrived.With two freshly-made coffees in hand, she made her way to the field that they had agreed to meet at. She sat at a bench, sipping on her decaf while she watched the early morning joggers pass by one by one.It started off fine - half a dozen people passing her over the span of several minutes - but as the morning crowds began to roll in, each new stranger in the vicinity felt like a looming threat.She hadn't expected her anxieties to creep back in; slowly at first, and then all at once. She could feel her heartbeat quickening, the gentle
ba-boom
in her chest now resembled something more akin to a herd of galloping Mustangs. She looked down to her hands, watched as the cardboard cups seemed to vibrate in her grasp.She breathed out, shakily. "No," she whispered to herself. "No, no, no."She inhaled.
Hold for five seconds, she instructed herself, but she couldn't.One... two... three... and her lungs were screaming to release.She puffed out the air, sucking in another breath instantly. It was sharp, shaky and entirely ineffective, triggering another and another, until she was on the verge of hyperventilation.She cricked her neck, the air under her collar suddenly feeling about a hundred degrees too hot. The light cardigan she had worn now felt heavier than a thick winter coat.She rose to her feet, striding toward the trash can mounted just a few yards down the pathway. She tossed both cups into the trash, shrugging the cardigan from her shoulders as soon as her hands were freed.Overwhelmed, it took more energy than she would care to admit just to stop herself from crying. She tucked her cardigan under her arm and scrubbed her trembling hands over her face.The world around her began to fade away as the steady beat and
whoosh
of blood rushing through her ears became the only noise.She focused on her breathing again, put the effort into forcing each breath to slow. In and out, hold for three, for five, and eventually for ten.She wasn't sure how much time had passed before his voice broke through her barrier."Katie!" She heard him call from some distance away.She turned, following the sound of his voice.The smile on his face as he approached was the motivation she needed to pull herself together. She forced a smile as she rushed toward him."Hey, Dad."He wrapped his arms around her, holding her tight.It was exactly what she needed, a security blanket of sorts. As he held her, her body calmed.She replaced the coffees that had been sacrificed during her panic. She purposefully avoided the vendor she had originally purchased them from, not wanting to risk the possible
back for more
conversation and have to explain to her father what had happened just before he arrived.He worried about her enough, he didn't need to know that she wasn't exactly
emotionally sound
right now.Once they had their beverages, they began their leisurely stroll through the park, and she began to fill him in on the events of the past few days.Jim stayed quiet as she spoke, allowed her to get everything out. He understood her struggle with these things, understood that her mind could be chaotic and that sometimes she just needed a minute or two to gather the words she needed.She had always assumed that his mind was very much the same.She told him everything, knowing that she would never forgive herself for giving him anything less than the whole truth."I let her down," she thought aloud, a succinct summary of the more dominant thoughts amongst the chaos of her mind."Don't say that," he warned, his voice harsh with emotion. He placed his hand on her forearm, effectively ending their stroll. "Don't you ever say that.""My captain is dead and he took the only lead I had with him." It was cold, but it was true. "There's a good chance I will never find out who was behind her murder.""That's not your job-""Finding murderers is quite literally my job, Dad." She forced a weak laugh through the pain that filled her.She had never been resentful of the fact that she had brought closure to so many other families, until now. But she just didn't have the strength to fight it off anymore. Her eyes began to cloud."You were just a kid," he reminded her, trying to ease her conscience."I was nineteen.""Just a kid," he repeated, hoping his message would sink in.Nineteen was too young. Too young to have her world turned upside down, too young to have to learn to live with such pain, too young to have been let down by the detectives that had been intrusted to solve this case. Too young to take on the responsibility of doing what they had not.And far too young to have been let down by the only parent she had left."The case had been cold for a decade, but you found him. You found the man that took her from us and you stopped him. And for that, I
know
that she would be so proud of you."She wiped her tears before they had the chance to fall. She may not fully believe it, but hearing the words spoken out loud meant everything to her right now."I'm proud of you, too, just so you know." He smiled and held his arms open.She stepped toward him, into his comforting embrace."I don't know if I can do it," she said softly."Do what?""Move on," she answered honestly. "I don't know if I can go to the funeral, look his family in the eye and act like I'm not... angry and hurt."Jim pulled back so that he could look into his daughter's eyes. "Then don't.""It'll look bad if I don't go. The whole precinct will be there.""I can go with you," he offered. "Pay my respects to the man who laid down his life to protect my daughter.""Out of guilt.""I don't care why he did it. You're here, safe and sound. Nothing else matters now. Not to me."She wished it could be that easy for her, too. She wished she could see Montgomery's final act of selflessness as something more than a guilty man paying for the choices he made, but she was too clouded by hurt."Just think about it, okay? I'm here for you if you need me."She had left the park feeling conflicted.Telling her father about Montgomery had felt like too much and yet, at the same time, not even close to enough. Like trying to convince them both that this was over, with no sense of closure at all. And yet he accepted it, with
gratitude. Something she was trying so desperately to be able to do.She was starting to question her commitment to this charade, the charade she had convinced everybody else to go along with.There was a fury inside of her that wanted to recant, that wanted the world to know of Montgomery's betrayal, of the lie he had lived.She wanted justice: for her mom, for herself, for everyone who had been dragged into this, hurt by this. But Montgomery was dead. She couldn't hurt him like he had hurt her. Only his family, and they didn't deserve that.Another part of her - the bigger part, she hoped - missed him already. Over the years he had become so much more to her than a colleague, a superior. He was a mentor, a friend, a confidante. She wanted, more than anything, for those good memories to remain intact, untouched by her current sadness. She knew she was going to have to fight for that.She knocked on the door in front of her; the hard wood entrance to her new safe haven, a place where none of the negativity of the outside world could reach her."Hey," Castle greeted with a smile as soon as he opened the door.She stepped forward, wordlessly, falling into him and wrapping her arms around his waist.His arms encased her, pressing her securely into his body.She buried her face in his shirt; his scent, his warmth, the gentle hum of his voice as he tried to sooth her, all worked together to erase every last fragment of chaos in her mind."Everything okay?" he asked, quietly.His fingers combed through her hair, massaging her scalp."Mmhmm," she hummed as she nodded, tightening her arms around him."You sure?"She could hear the concern in his voice."I just missed you," she assured him, pulling away and offering a small, reassuring smile.He wasn't entirely convinced, but didn't want to push too far. He tucked a lock of hair behind her ear."I missed you, too." He placed his forefinger under her chin, guiding her closer and pressing a tender kiss to her lips. "You left early this morning," he commented, pulling from her embrace to close the front door."Uh, yeah. I wanted to catch Dad before he started work," she explained as she walked further into the loft.He moved behind her, placing his hand on the small of her back and guided her toward the kitchen. As she took a seat on one of the counter stools, he dropped his hand and kept on his path into the kitchen."Did you have breakfast?"She shook her head, no.He held up a pack of bagels, eyebrows arched in silent question."No, thank you," she answered the unspoken question, but apparently not correctly.He shook his head, scowling as he pulled two bagels from the pack and popping them into the toaster.She pulled her phone from her pocket and placed it on the countertop, needing it to be visible as she awaited a call from IA, informing her of her future. She knew she probably wouldn't hear from them yet, but she felt more comfortable with her phone in sight, just in case."How is Jim?" Castle asked as he moved around the kitchen, grabbing the necessary items for their breakfast."He says
hello," she said with narrow eyes. "Anything you want to tell me?""This seems like a lose-lose situation for me, so I'm just going to go make myself a coffee. Would you like one?"She rolled her eyes at his avoidance. "No thanks."Castle busied himself with the task at hand, scooping out perfectly measured amounts of several different types of coffee grounds, making his own unique blend. It was obvious he did not want to discuss the past interactions between her father and himself but, for once, she was the one who just couldn't leave it be."My dad still feels like he needs to protect me," she said, starting the conversation he was trying to avoid."It's only natural that we want to protect the people we love from the bad in the world," he justified with a shrug."I'm not mad at him for it," she clarified. "I just... he didn't have to go behind my back, you know?"He stopped what he was doing, moving his attention to her. "What would you have said if he had been the one to ask you to take a step back?"They locked eyes. She didn't have to answer, they both knew exactly what she would have said.
I'm fine.
I've got this.
You don't have to worry about me.
The usual rhetoric that no one
actually
believed.She looked down, locked her eyes to the countertop in front of her, desperately trying to avoid his steely gaze.In front of her, a single crumb captured and held her attention for the longest time, while Castle went back to preparing his coffee."Seriously, though; is everything okay?" he asked once he had started up the machine. "You seem...
deflated."She pushed the crumb along the countertop with her nail, focusing on the long, slow scratching sound that was barely audible over the sound of the coffee machine whirring.Exhausted - that was the word she would have used - both mentally and physically.She could feel his presence looming on the other side of the kitchen island. Looming, but not in a threatening way. She felt safe."I think I had a panic attack," she confessed, looking up to gauge his reaction.He tensed, visibly. "What? When? Are you alright?"The questions came at rapid-fire pace. His concern for her was heart-warming, to say the least."In the park, before Dad arrived. Everything was fine, I was waiting by the benches and then all of a sudden it-" She thought back to the moment it hit, trying to find the words to describe what she had experienced. "-it was like I couldn't breathe."Couldn't breathe, couldn't think, could barely move."Are you okay now?" he repeated."Yeah, I'm fine." She smiled to reassure him. "It passed pretty quick and I felt fine while Dad and I were walking through the park."She was fine. Now. But in the moment, she was so scared."I just, I don't know, it came on so suddenly. It was horrible, I felt-" She looked down to her fidgeting hands, picking at her fingernail. "-I felt like I was dying."She didn't know how else to describe it, nothing else felt accurate."All I wanted was to be here, with you." She ended her confession, fighting back the seemingly unlimited supply of tears.He rounded the counter, pulled her to her feet and wrapped his arms around her waist."I'm glad you're here now," he whispered into her hair.He understood, even without her explicitly saying so, that this was a monumental step for her. Coming to him when she was scared, allowing herself to
need
someone instead of retreating into solitude, was unfamiliar to her. And yet, here she was, confessing her vulnerabilities to him because she trusted him entirely.He had been afraid that Montgomery's death, that the revelation of his role in what became the darkest parts of her life would catapult her in the opposite direction, would cause her to spiral and hide from him, from the world. It would be naïve of him to think she hadn't considered it, and he knew better than that. But that knowledge made her presence here - in the loft, in his arms - all the more significant.He pulled back, looked into her tear-clouded eyes."Kate-"The two bagels popped up in the toaster, and they both looked toward the appliance silently cursing the interruption.He looked back at her, tucked her hair behind her ear and offered a small smile."You should eat something."She nodded, taking his hand and allowing him to lead her around the bench. Despite her total lack of appetite, she would eat for him.She knew that, between her lack of appetite and being sick, she was barely getting the calories the baby needed. Now was not the time to let her control issues bleed out into her diet.He dropped her hand, only when he had to. After grabbing two plates from the overhead cabinet, he placed a bagel on each and passed one plate back to her.They stood shoulder-to-shoulder as they prepared their food. Castle spread a generous layer of peanut butter on both bagels as Kate sliced up a banana."You ever eat the peanut butter straight out of the jar?" Castle asked as he dug a spoon into the jar in his hands."No," she said with a laugh.He dropped his smile, glaring playfully at her. "Never?" He didn't believe her, not for a second. "Everyone has done it at least once," he claimed."Okay." She smiled, looking at him through the corner of her eye. "Maybe once."He gasped dramatically. "Disgusting!" he joked."You just said everyone has done it!""Everyone except for me," he said proudly. "It's unhygienic.""I've seen you squeeze whipped cream, straight from the can, into your mouth. I don't believe you."She grabbed the spoon from the jar and scooped out a small amount of the peanut butter."Try it." She held the spoon between them."I have it on my bagel.""It's better by itself," she insisted.He shook his head. "Add banana slices and honey, that's my idea of delicious.""Come on, Castle. You know you want to."He turned his body so that he was facing her and she could see the playful glint in his eyes. He grabbed the spoon from her, slowly bringing it toward his mouth.He took her by surprise when he twisted the spoon between his fingers, turning it to face her and quickly swiping the dollop of butter across her nose."Castle!"She swiped her fingers across her face, wiping the spread from her skin before launching herself into action and trying to wipe it onto Castle.She managed to swipe her sticky finger across his chin before he grabbed her wrists and held them away. She struggled against him, determined to get him back, but she started laughing so much that she couldn't focus properly."I'm sorry!" he exclaimed through his laughter as he backed himself against the kitchen counter. "I'm sorry! I surrender!"She stopped fighting, stopped resisting against his pushing her away, and took a step back. He followed her lead, stopped pushing but didn't release his hold on her wrists.He stared into her eyes, cherishing the pure joy he saw there."You're so beautiful," he whispered, the words falling from his lips without thought.But he wanted her to know that. He wanted her to know that she was the most extraordinary woman he had ever met and that her smile was his favourite thing ever.She leaned forward, closing her lips over his.She kissed him slowly, tenderly, in a way that would never be forgotten. Never before had a kiss felt so...
ethereal.He dropped his hands from her wrists, searching out more contact. One gripped at her waist, pulling her into him as the other climbed, curving around her neck as his thumb brushed delicately against her jawline.She moaned, melting into his touch.Across the kitchen, her phone began to vibrate against the countertop, the ringtone echoing out soon after."Are you kidding me?" Castle groaned, his mouth still pressed to Kate's.She laughed as she stepped away from him."Can you grab that for me, please?" she asked, holding up her sticky hands.She moved to the sink and pushed her wrist against the tap to turn it on.Castle rushed toward her phone to grab it before it rang out, his sense of urgency fuelled by the knowledge that she was awaiting a call from the Internal Affairs investigators, but his pace slowed when he saw the familiar face lighting up the screen."It's, uh- it's Josh," he said, lifting the phone from the bench, holding it so that she could see the screen.She dried her hands on the tea towel before taking the phone from him. She stared at it for a moment, unsure if she was ready for this conversation."You want some privacy?" Castle asked, bringing her attention away from the small screen.Did she want privacy? Or did she need him here, need him as moral support, need him to keep her from the cowardice that had crept in the last time she attempted this?She shook her head - no, she didn't want privacy.She pushed the answer button before she could fully convince herself to just let the call ring out. It was now or never.She forced a smile as she held the phone to her ear. "Hey, Josh."Castle watched as she donned her armour. He watched as she listened to whatever Josh was saying on the other end of the line. He could hear the droning of Josh's voice through the speaker, but wasn't close enough to actually make out any words. Judging from the smile still plastered on Kate's face, one could assume the conversation was off to a relatively pleasant start.He tried to ignore the frustration that invoked, reminding himself that he
wanted
this to go well.
She
needed this to go well.He grabbed some paper towel and began to clean the peanut butter off his face.Kate moved around the kitchen island, returning to the stool she had been sitting in before."Sorry I didn't get back to you earlier," Josh's voice sounded directly into her ear. "I've been working crazy hours. I got your message while at work and I fully intended on calling you as soon as I finished but I got home and just crashed.""Yeah, that's- I understand what it's like, there's no need to apologise," she assured him.There was a short silence, a hesitation from him, that filled her with anxiety. She could feel the shift: the small-talk portion of this phone call was over. It felt entirely too soon."Kate, I-" He stopped again and she could almost feel his nervousness through the phone. "I saw on the news... about Montgomery."The compassion in his voice almost broke her. Just months ago it would have. She would have fallen into his arms, cried until she had no tears left to cry.He was safe, he cared, he understood how hard she fought to keep it inside and he never made her feel like that was the wrong thing to do, he just offered her somewhere safe to let it all out when she needed, when she was
ready.She looked at the man who offered her that now, with tears in her eyes. It was hard to believe how much had changed for her in such a short amount of time."I'm fine," she said softly, swallowing the emotion that had settled heavy in her throat. "I was just hoping that we could talk.""Yeah, of course we can.""Can we, uh, can we meet somewhere?" she asked nervously, gauging Castle's reaction to her request. He didn't so much as bat an eyelid."Is something wrong?"She could hear the change in his voice.
He knew."No," she answered, too quickly. "I just, I'd rather talk face to face, you know?"Silence lingered, again. Seconds passed impossibly slow."Josh?""You said you needed time, so I gave you that."There was no anger in his voice, and that made his words hit harder. She had already known that she had messed up, made everything worse than it had to be, but his disappointment was like a knife to the heart."If you're done..." His voice trailed off, but she knew he wasn't finished, so she waited. "If there was nothing left to fight for, you should have just been honest.""It's not that simple. I'm sorry, I just- please?""I don't need the courtesy of a face-to-face rejection," he said, bitterly. "I don't need to see the pity in your eyes when you tell me you're choosing
him. All I needed was the truth, Kate."The truth, if only it were that easy."You could have at least given me that instead of letting me think you wanted this, too."She knew she was going to have to do this now, going to have to rip the band-aid and lay it all out there for him."I'm sorry," she whispered, but he didn't say anything. "Josh, I'm pregnant."The line was silent."Josh?"She pulled the phone from her ear, checking the screen; call ended.She sighed, closed her eyes and hung her head low."Fuck," she groaned as she scrubbed her hand over her face."He hung up on you?" Castle asked, a defensive anger seething in his words.She shrugged. "I think he hung up before I told him. That was a disaster," she complained, straightening her posture and taking a deep, calming breath.Castle shrugged. "Or..."She turned in the stool so that she was facing him. "If you can see the silver lining here, please share.""Well, you wanted a clean cut, right? You wanted him to know that things were definitely over. I think it's safe to say he knows now."She narrowed her eyes at him. His silver lining didn't make her feel any better."And, now, you can wait for the test results without having to feel like you're keeping this from him. You tried, he didn't want to provide you the opportunity to tell him. You're off the hook. You might never have to tell him."She eased her glare, took a deep breath."I still feel like a shitty person," she moaned, although his logic did make her feel slightly better."It'll pass." He stepped closer, wrapped his arms around her and pressed a kiss to her temple. "I promise."She weaved her arms under his, wrapping them around his waist and leaning into him."I had an idea, but I wanted to run it by you first," Castle said after a few minutes of silence.She leant back, looking up to gauge his expression, trying to get some sort of read on where this could be headed."Mm," she hummed, appropriately cautious."Don't be so quick to assume it's something bad," he accused, and she simply smiled in response. "I was just thinking that it might be nice for everyone to get together for dinner tomorrow night."She didn't need him to clarify who
everyone
was.For a brief moment, she wanted to say no. She was already less alone than she wanted to be, being in the loft with Martha and Alexis coming and going in addition to Castle's more permanent presence.But she knew how healing it could be to share in your sorrows, to grieve alongside those you love, those who are grieving too. And the idea of the team being together before the funeral - dinner, easy company, no expectations to be anything more than
together
- she liked that idea."Here, at the loft?"He nodded his confirmation, assuming the loft would be most comfortable for everyone."Yeah, I think that would be nice.""Good, because I already talked to Lanie-"She shook her head and let out a huff of air. "I should have known this was a Lanie idea.""She thought that you might not be comfortable with everyone being here while you're staying here."Kate smiled. "I'm okay with that.""Yeah?""I mean, unless you were planning on keeping me your dirty little secret..."He shook his head. "Never."He pressed a quick peck to her lips before reaching across the counter, grabbing her plate and dragging it until it sat in front of her."Eat," he instructed. "I have a big day of relaxing planned for us both. You'll need your energy.""Yeah, sounds like it," she said with a smile and a playful roll of her eyes.
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
May 22 (9w4d)
Mid-morning had come and gone, and they were still in bed. Their legs tangled together as she snuggled into his side, tracing patterns on his chest.Last night had been another rough one: the hours had seemed endless, the nightmares all too real.She would wake in a panic, fear pinning her down as her heart raced beyond what
should
be physically possible.Her tears would fall, uncontrollably, as she clung to him. She didn't want to be doing this: grieving so openly in front of him, forcing him to have to be the strong one. She had never been that person, but his gentle reassurances had made her feel safe to breakdown.He would hold her until she ceased sobbing and silence would settle over them, allowing her thoughts to grow loud. He would kiss away all evidence of her sorrows, but the pain in her heart remained.His tenderness was too much, too raw, reminding her of how much she still had left to lose. She needed him and she didn't know how she would ever be able to survive if she lost him too.She would distract herself from every kind of pain in the only way she knew how: by making love to the man that hasn't left her
yet, that hasn't betrayed her
yet.She had felt his hesitancy at first, unsure of exactly where the line between
helping her
and
taking advantage of her
would be in a situation like this, but she felt that doubt melting away with each tender kiss.When they were done, she would collapse into his body, listening to his heartbeat as he combed his fingers through her hair. Once he was asleep and not a second before, she would silently cry herself to sleep.They repeated the cycle, again and again, until the pain was tolerable and the quiet of the night wasn't deafening.Now, in the daylight, she found comfort in the quiet. The only noise was the steady beating of his heart under her ear, his slow, even breaths, and the white noise from the oscillating fan that did very little to cool them.She lifted her head, looking at the peacefulness of his face as he dozed. She touched her fingertips to the side of his face, gently pressing her lips to the opposite cheek."Castle," she whispered against the rough stubble on his cheek. "Castle, wake up.""I'm awake," he mumbled sheepishly, his words bleeding together into one long, low sound."You need to get ready for your meeting," she reminded him."Just a phone conversation." He rolled toward her, draping his arm over her waist. "Don't need to be dressed."She bit the inside of her cheek, trying to stifle a grin."Maybe not dressed, but you need to be awake."She pulled his arm from her waist, slinking out from between the sheets."No, don't leave," he half-heartedly protested as she walked away."I'll be in the shower." She glanced over her shoulder, smiling when she saw him watching her through one partially-opened eye. "Feel free to join me. You know, if that's something worth waking up for?"He kicked himself free of the bedsheets and pulled himself up with a newfound energy."I'm awake," he said as he followed her into the en suite.She felt out of place, aimlessly roaming the lower floor of the loft, completely unsupervised.Castle had locked himself in the office for his meeting. She could see him pacing the floor, scrubbing his hand over the crease in his brow as he spoke into his phone. Curiosity was getting the better of her as she watched intently, focusing on the movement of his lips as if she was actually able to read them.Martha had made herself scarce for most of the weekend, encouraging Alexis to do the same. As much as they wanted to be there for Castle, they had accepted that it was different this time. In his grief, he needed Kate as much as she needed him. She would be eternally grateful to his family for allowing them this time to lean on each other and heal together.She moved toward the piano, tracing her fingers along the sleek black instrument. It was beautiful, an elegant feature in his modern home that one might assume was purely decorative, but as she lowered herself onto the bench and lifted the fallboard, she could tell this was a well-loved apparatus.Her fingers hovered above the keys as she imitated playing. She wouldn't actually play - no, that felt
too
comfortable - but she thought back to some of her earliest, blurriest memories, trying to recall the correct keys as she tapped gently, silently. She had surprised herself with how much she was actually able to remember, although - without actually playing - she really had no way of knowing how accurate her memories were."Where is Dad?" Alexis asked as she descended the stairs, pulling Kate's attention away from her faux concerto."In his office," she answered, lowering the fallboard gently.Alexis ducked her head to look through the gaps in the bookshelves that partitioned off Castle's office. Kate turned, doing her own search, not finding Castle behind the literature lined shelves."Or maybe the bedroom?" she suggested, turning back to the redhead. "I don't really know. He's on the phone with Gina, discussing...
things. I didn't really ask for the specifics.""Oh." The girl nodded her understanding, smirking a little. "They'll probably be arguing for hours," she added, seeming amused by the idea.Kate smiled. From the limited interactions she had had with Gina - and the few she had witnessed between her and Castle - she wouldn't be surprised at all if that was exactly what they were doing."It's already been almost an hour," she noted.Silence settled over the room and Kate returned to tracing the pads of her fingers over the keys in attempt to look busy, to distract herself from any awkwardness that lingered in the silence."Do you play?" Alexis asked, nodding her head toward the piano.Kate smiled and shook her head. "My mom did. She loved classical music. Found it relaxing, I guess."She balled her hands into fists and pushed them into her lap, suddenly feeling very vulnerable, out of her element. She still didn't know how to interact with Alexis when they were alone. But she had to learn, had to get better at this if she wanted this to be her future."She tried to teach me when I was younger but I just wasn't all that interested. Would have preferred being outside, climbing trees or something."She tried to laugh at how stubborn she had been as a child, but the memory became polluted with regret.
If only she had known...
She swallowed down the emotion, returning her attention back to Alexis, who was watching her curiously."You play, don't you?" she asked with a smile.Alexis returned her smile. "I'm better with a violin but, yeah, I know a little."Kate shuffled along to the edge of the seat and waved her upturned palm over the keys. "Would you mind playing a little something?" she asked.The teen smiled and took her place on the bench seat beside Kate. She glided her fingers across keys until they found their correct starting positions.Kate recognised the piece:
Für Elise. The same short arrangement her mother had tried to teach her all those years ago. She closed her eyes as she listened, thinking back to one random Sunday morning when she was just eight years old.xxHer mother sat at the mahogany grand piano that took up the majority of their living room. It was an eyesore to anyone with a general understanding of
Feng Shui, but to them this was the epicentre of some of their most cherished moments.Her fingers skilfully danced across the keys as Kate sat on the floor listening as she coloured."Claire de Lune," her father announced excitedly after just a few seconds of intent listening.It was a game they played often, testing each other's knowledge in random ways. Sometimes it was 'guess what song I am humming' or 'guess the secret ingredient in this recipe from just one taste'. Anything was on the table, from movie quotes to book blurbs, guess this or guess that.Guessing games kept young brains active and engaged: that's what her parents always told her, anyway.Seamlessly, Johanna began playing a new arrangement as Jim sat cross-legged on the floor with his daughter."That's Beethoven," he said as he started to help Kate colour in her drawing."More specifically?" Johanna encouraged, glancing at him over her shoulder.Jim faltered, he didn't know. He turned to Kate, his eyes desperately pleading with her."Help me, Katie," he whispered.Kate giggled, her eyes flicking to her mother to make sure she wouldn't get caught helping her father
cheat. "It's Moonlight..." She strung out each syllable. She wasn't about to just
give
him the answer."Moonlight Sonata!" he declared victoriously.Johanna stopped playing and turned around on the bench, giving her family a very knowing look, but the accusation remained unspoken.Kate rose from her position on the floor, running toward the piano."Guess this one, Daddy."She began tapping away at the keys, jagged and unrehearsed -
especially
in comparison to her mother - but Jim recognised his wife's favourite."Ah,
Für Elise.""I didn't think you would remember it," Johanna said to Kate. "You were very distracted while I was trying to teach you."xxKate turned her attention back to Alexis, watching as her fingers tapped against the ivory keys."You're quite impressive, you know?"Alexis stopped, her cheeks turning a subtle shade of pink."I could never play the whole thing, it gets too complicated," she explained, dismissing her talent. "But I'll play it every now and then just to keep it fresh in my mind."Kate slowly pressed the few keys she remembered from her childhood, poorly imitating the arrangement Alexis had just played for her."I'm still impressed," she said with a soft smile."It sounds like you know the basics," Alexis noted. "I can help you polish it, if you'd like?"Kate froze, not having expected such a genuine outreach from Alexis. She knew that she was still walking on thin ice with the girl, but she could see the effort that Alexis was putting in to moving forward."Sorry," the girl recanted, misinterpreting Kate's silence. "Piano was your mom's thing. I shouldn't have-""No, that's not it." She placed her hand on Alexis's arm, offering a small, reassuring smile. "It was kind of you to offer. It's just-"She wasn't in the right frame of mind. Her mind was chaos, a disarray of pain and sorrow and doubt. There was just this constant noise of conflicting thoughts and emotions.But maybe this would serve as the perfect distraction, a task to focus on, something that could drown out the noise. And a chance to bond with Alexis, try to mend the frayed edges of their almost-relationship, wouldn't go astray."I have to warn you, I'm a terrible student," she explained, offering Alexis an easy way out of her offer.But the girl's resolve strengthened."Well, I guess my years of tutoring experience will come in handy," she countered with a confident smile."Okay then," Kate said with a smile, mustering all the enthusiasm she could. "Teach me great things, oh wise one."Alexis laughed. "You're spending too much time with Dad, you're starting to sound like him.""Oh, God, don't tell him that!" she joked. "I'll never hear the end of it.""Your secret is safe with me."Kate waited, watching as Alexis began familiarising herself with the keys."I was thinking, if this turns out to be a success story, that maybe one day I could teach my little brother or sister, too."Alexis's smiled, so genuine and hopeful."Yeah," Kate agreed, smiling back. "I think that they would like that."As an only child, she didn't know what it was like to have an older sibling, but she found comfort in the idea that her child would have Alexis there for them, always.She found comfort in the idea that her child would have a big, loving family.She just had to keep fighting off that dread, that fear that she - and her child - would lose it all.Castle looked up from the book he was reading when he sensed her presence, tossing the paperback into the cushions beside him and rising to his feet as he saw her walk out of the bedroom. She had stepped away to answer a phone call just a few minutes earlier.Her eyes were bloodshot, puffy and filled with tears, and all the colour had drained from her face."What's wrong?" he asked nervously as he walked toward her. "Was that-?""Evelyn Montgomery," she cut him off, her voice cracking.Somehow, that seemed worse than whatever he had thought could have happened."Wh-" He stopped himself before he blurted the question:
what did she want? Really, it was none of his business. He was just concerned.But Kate knew what he wanted to ask. She looked at him, blinking back her tears."She wanted me to say something," she explained. "At Roy's funeral."He sighed heavily, pulling her into his arms. As soon as her face was buried in his shirt, hidden from the world, the tears that she had been determined not to cry began to fall."She said that he was always so proud of me," she cried, her words muffled by the security blanket of his arms.He held onto her, a calming pressure around her body, until her cries softened, and her breathing began to even out again."Can I say something that you might not like?"She pulled herself from his embrace, looking up at him. "Since when do you ask first?" she joked weakly.He smiled before continuing with his thought. "Honestly, I couldn't think of anyone better to say a few words.""Can't think of anyone better?" she repeated, as if she may have misheard him. "Castle, I just found out that I don't even know the man.""Arguably, it's possible that you knew him better than anyone else ever did."She looked into his eyes as she let his words sink in."You don't have to do it, obviously," he clarified, making sure she knew she didn't owe anyone her time or her words, not after the hell that Roy Montgomery had put her through."I know." She took a deep breath. "But I told her I would. I mean, who could
actually
say no to her?""If you don't want to do this-""I'll be fine, Castle. I just... needed to complain, I guess."She stepped back into him, and he wrapped his arms around her."I just want this to be over," she confessed in a whisper."I know," he whispered back and pressed a soothing kiss to her hair.Her arms around his waist tightened, and he gave her a gentle squeeze in response."I like this," she said.He tilted his head so that he could see her face. She had her eyes closed, cheek pressed to his chest and a bright smile on her face. Smiling proudly, he moved his head back, resting his chin on the top of her head."I like this, too. I could stay like this forever.""Well, maybe a few hours. I'm sure we'd have to separate once everyone arrived for dinner," she added playfully."Nah," he said, drawing out his vowels. "They can just deal with it."She pulled away, looking up at him with a smile. "And what if I wanted to do this?"She touched her fingertips to his jaw, pressing a soft kiss to his lips."I think they can just deal with that, too," he whispered as she pulled away from his mouth. "Hey, I had a thought about tonight.""Yeah?""I was, I was thinking that everyone could use some good news right now, right?"She tensed, knowing exactly where he was going with this train of thought."Castle-""I know it's still early and there's the whole
thing
about waiting until the second trimester, but-""I don't think it's a good idea." She shook her head, pulling herself from his arms. "Not yet.""They're our closest friends," he justified. "They're going to be happy for us.""I said no," she stated firmly, her voice noticeably louder than what was probably necessary.He looked at her, his face expressionless."I'm sorry, I just thought-" He stopped, looked around the room, anywhere but at her. "It doesn't matter. Forget I said anything.""I just think that we should wait," she explained, easing her voice to a calmer volume. "I mean, we are so close.""Close to what?"She didn't have to say it, he knew. Close to finding out the paternity.It dawned on him; despite how far they had come, despite how much he loved her, despite his words of reassurances and all the promises they whispered while wrapped in each other's arms, she still didn't trust this. She still didn't trust him and his promise to stay, no matter what.He understood, he really did. He came into this knowing that she was broken, that she had lived her adult life being let down by those she allowed herself to trust, but that didn't make it hurt any less. He didn't know what else he could do to prove to her that he was in this, for her
and
for the baby."I've told you, Castle, I
know
that you have every intention of being there. I
know
that you want to be with me and want to help me raise this baby, no matter what. But I
also know
that it isn't that straight forward. I just-" She swallowed the emotion that had been choking her up. "I'm not
expecting
you to be able to love a baby that isn't yours."Her words cut deep, stealing away any response that he could come up with."You know what? I'm actually feeling a bit off," she lied, an excuse to leave this trainwreck of a conversation. "I think I might try to have a nap."Castle scrubbed his hand over his face, knowing that this was as far as she was willing to go on that subject.He wanted her to believe in him, in his devotion to her, but he was tired of fighting about this."Yeah, okay."She pulled her phone from her pocket, unlocking it. "What time did you say everyone was going to be here? I'll set an alarm.""I can wake you," he offered."Fine," she said, tucking her phone back into her pocket. "Thank you," she added, although her voice sounded anything but thankful.He stood at the foot of the bed, watching, weighing up his options.She was sleeping so peacefully, her lips curled into what resembled a slight smile. Whatever she was dreaming of, it didn't have her tossing and turning in a panic, body slicked by cool sweat or her heart racing so fast he could see it pulsating in her neck.Navigating Kate at the moment - with her raw emotions and ever-changing, hormone induced mood - could only be compared to navigating a minefield. And, given how they had left things this afternoon, he knew that not waking her up as he said he would had the potential to
really
piss her off. But looking at her, he just couldn't bring himself to disrupt her peace.He backed out of the room, slowly closing the door as he left, and readied himself for his guests to arrive.Hopefully, he wouldn't regret his decision.The team began to arrive about an hour later, Ryan and Jenny first then Lanie and Esposito about ten minutes later. They sat around the dining table, sipping on their beverages and chatting as they picked at the snacks Castle had laid out for them."How has she been?" Lanie asked when the topic of conversation turned to Kate."About as well as can be expected," Castle answered, careful to avoid divulging any information about the situation.He wasn't sure how much Lanie knew about Montgomery's death. Between Kate and Espo, he was sure she had received some version of the truth, but he wasn't about to go into the details of how Kate was feeling disappointed, lied to and betrayed.With Kate's firm refusal to share their
other
secret, it was going to be a bit of a game of 'who knows what?' tonight."Is she not coming?" Jenny asked, shy but curious.Castle exchanged glances with Lanie, who had already been informed of the temporary living arrangements."She's, uh, actually already here," he admitted, trying to make it sound casual. "She's asleep," he quickly added.He knew he wasn't going to get away with such a casual confession when the boys looked at him, eyes almost pleading for more of an explanation."Are you guys, like, living together now?" Ryan asked with a smirk."What?" Castle squeaked. "No, of course not. She just, she didn't want to be alone, you know? So I offered up the spare room.""Bro, don't even pretend you guys aren't together," Esposito added, accusingly. "She kissed you in the precinct the other day."Lanie's jaw dropped. "She what?""To be fair, I'm pretty sure that was an accident," Castle explained. "She was distracted.""Distracted by your mouth," Esposito mumbled."So, are you guys...
together
together?" Lanie asked.Castle wasn't sure if it was a genuine question, or if she was playing down her knowledge of their situation to allow Castle to set the narrative they were
ready
to tell."What exactly has she told you?" he tried to pry from her, unsuccessfully.Lanie looked him up and down, smirking. "Enough."He smiled. He should have known that Lanie wouldn't so willingly spill Kate's secrets, especially with their friends around. But since the rather heated conversation he and Kate had earlier, he had been left feeling very unsure of where exactly they sat on the spectrum of
kind of together
to
together together.He knew where he
wanted
to be."I know that she talks to you," he told her with certainty. There was no doubt that Lanie would be just as, if not more, informed about his relationship than he was. "I know that you
know
things. I was just wondering if, maybe, you had any... advice?""Sorry writer boy," she apologised genuinely. "You're gonna have to figure this one out on your own.""Yeah," he sighed, swiping his hand across his forehead. "I'm trying."Lanie's eyes drifted over Castle's shoulder, toward the living room. He turned, wondering what had caught her attention."Hey," Lanie greeted Kate as she slowly staggered out from the bedroom, rubbing sleep from her eyes."Hey guys," she sheepishly greeted the group before turning her attention to Castle, frowning. "You said you would wake me up.""I did say that. However, when I went in there to wake you up, you just looked so comfortable." His tone was cautious, apologetic. "And I figured I probably shouldn't disrupt the little sleep you actually get, so..."Kate managed a groan, but before she could respond to Castle properly, Lanie stood and walked toward her, wrapping her arms around her friend. Kate melted into the embrace, loosely folding her arms around Lanie's shoulders."I feel like I haven't seen you in forever," Kate commented dolefully.Lanie stepped out of the embrace and smiled at her friend. "Yeah, well, you've been a little preoccupied. But we're here now and we've got all night."Kate smiled appreciatively before turning her attention to Castle. She was torn; still upset, wanting to apologise profusely and beg for him to forgive her outburst, but not willing to be so vulnerable in front of everyone.He leant his body to face her, reaching his arm out over the back of his chair. His palm turned up, fingers outstretched, offering her his hand; an olive branch of sorts. A truce, at least for now, and she was ready to accept.She walked toward him, but the way her eyes drifted to gauge the reactions of their friends, he knew that she wasn't ready to let her guard down just yet."How are you feeling now?" he asked as he lowered his hand, tried to ease any pressure she may have felt."Not great," she admitted. She smiled a kind of sad, apologetic smile; a
thank you, for not pushing me. "I need my clothes.""Oh, right." They had spent so much of the weekend in their pyjamas, it hadn't even registered that she would probably be wanting to change out of her sleep shorts and the bulky sweater she had borrowed from him. "I moved your bag to the study.""Thank you," she said as she placed her hand on his shoulder and gave it a gentle squeeze.It was all she could give right now, but she knew he deserved more; he deserved to be loved shamelessly, even in front of their friends. And she could do that, she
would
do that.Plodding toward the study, she called over her shoulder: "I'll be quick.""Since when is that the spare room?" Esposito remarked as soon as she disappeared back into Castle's bedroom.Castle turned to face him, narrowing his eyes."I'm just messing with you, man.""He wouldn't have nearly as much fun if you didn't bite so hard," Lanie added as she took her seat beside Castle."It's fine, I can handle it," Castle said with a smile, before his expression grew more serious. "Just...
please
don't say anything that'll scare her off. I had to practically beg her to stay here for a few days and I actually think it's helping her."Esposito shook his head. "I won't.""Thank you," Castle mouthed.Lanie placed her hand on Castle's forearm. "She's lucky to have you.""I just wish I could do more.""You're here." Lanie shrugged. "That's all she needs. You're a good friend.""Friend," Ryan snorted."Bro got downgraded already," Esposito joked."If you think that being a friend is a
downgrade, then I fear you are missing out," Castle shot back without hesitation.Esposito shook his head slowly. "Whipped."Kate walked back out wearing a much more appropriate pair of jeans, but she stayed in his sweater.She sat in the empty seat on the other side of Castle."Are you cold?" Castle asked her, curious about her clothing choice.She leaned closer, holding her hand close to her mouth as she whispered. "I packed the wrong pants. They won't button up and my shirts don't hide that," she explained.Castle chuckled.They decided on pizza for dinner, eventually settling on a new gourmet pizzeria down the block from the loft.Delivered in 30 minutes or less!
They were sitting around the dining table, digging into their meal in
less.At least, most of them were. Kate sat quietly, picking at the toppings on her pizza and only occasionally taking a small nibble at the slice.She had been trying - to eat, to not draw attention, to be an active participant in the conversations around the table - but she was having trouble focusing.Lanie and Jenny had broken away from the main conversation, engaging in their own, quieter discussion as they boys continued to argue their sides of some pointless banter across the table. It was overstimulating as she bounced back and forth between the two discussions.The voices around her seemed to move in and out, echoing slightly as if these people were standing down the end of a tunnel, not sitting directly in front of her. She closed her eyes, hoping that with the momentary loss of one of her senses, she would have more success in honing the others. But nothing became clearer.Her head felt heavy, as if it weren't sitting square on her shoulders and was at risk of slipping right off any second now.She opened her eyes again, her vision stayed blurred for several seconds too long.She considered that maybe this was a repeat of her morning in the park, that she was edging toward another panic attack. Her gut coiled at the thought. She couldn't do this, not here, not now.She shuffled in her chair, subtly sliding it closer to Castle's.He could calm her, she was sure of it. He had managed to do it so well in the past. She just had to be subtle, if he knew what she was doing he would only worry and she didn't want that.She brought the knee closest to Castle up to her chest, using the movement as an excuse to seamlessly transition into her end goal: leaning against Castle for support.The weight of her body against his side took him by surprise given how carefully she had avoided
too much touching
thus far, but he draped his arm over her shoulders instinctively, holding her close as he continued listening to the boys.Feeling much more secure, she went back to picking at the slice of pizza in her hands."You okay?" She heard Castle whisper as his lips skimmed her hairline.She nodded. Her stomach churned, as if on cue, and she stiffened. "Just... not hungry, I guess."Her voice came out soft and shaky, like a scared or sick child. It took her by surprise, how weak she sounded, but she pushed through. She looked up at him, smiling."I'm fine."She knew he wasn't convinced, but he didn't push it.She felt him watching her throughout dinner, though. With each passing minute, she felt herself sinking further into him, unable to hold herself up fully.Eventually discussions turned to the inevitable: work.All three of them had, at some point during the day, received word from Internal Affairs informing them that they would be able to return to work after finishing out their seven day administrative leave."Honestly, I just can't wait to get back to doing my job," Esposito said. "I just want to be able to move forward, you know?""Yeah, it'll be nice to have a case to bury myself in," Ryan added, only slightly causing his friends to worry about his emotional state right now.Jenny touched his arm, gave him a comforting smile."Something real complex," he added as he looked at his fiancé. "Give the brain a good workout.""Ooh, like a time travelling serial killer," Castle added enthusiastically. "And not only do we have to figure out
who
his next victim is, but
when."Kate smiled. Nothing like a hypothetical case to get Castle animated again. She knew he would miss the theorising, spurting his crazy conspiracies to get a rise out of her."Most of all, I'm looking forward to being able to shoot down Castle's delusional theories," Esposito joked, looking at Ryan as they both began to laugh.Lanie joined in on the joke, smiling and shaking her head. She had heard some of Castle's theories in the past, so she knew exactly how deluded they could be at times. Everyone knew that it was
mostly
for entertainment value, but she had found herself questioning his sanity at times.Even Castle joined in the laughter. Kate watched, waited for him to say something, but he didn't."Castle won't be coming back," she stated bluntly, effectively putting an end to their joking.She didn't mean to be a killjoy, didn't mean to blurt it out, but the longer Castle stayed silent the more she worried that he had forgotten their deal.All eyes turned to Castle, waiting for his explanation."Right," he confirmed dejectedly. "Yeah, I mean, I was hoping to discuss that-"She pulled herself from his side, sitting upright.The sudden movement caused her head to spin. She closed her eyes, ignored the rush."Castle, you promised." She forced her eyes open to look at him."You were upset," he said, as if she didn't vividly remember that day. "I thought once things settled down again-"She tossed that same half-eaten slice of pizza onto her plate, stood and paced several steps away. She could feel herself sway as she walked, her balance put off by the almost-imperceptible quiver in her knees.But he saw it."Kate-" He rose from his seat, stepped toward her cautiously."You said that you were done," she snapped, finding her voice again."Well,
you
said that I was done."Her eyes widened in disbelief, was he really throwing that in her face right now?She thought back to that night, to the moment she showed up on his doorstep a complete and utter mess. She had gone over that conversation again and again; but he
had
promised, of that she was sure."Can you just hear me out?" he pleaded."I'm not doing this right now, Castle. I don't have the energy to do this
right now."Not to mention her head was pounding, the room was spinning and she felt like her legs were about to give out from underneath the unusually heavy weight of her body."I wasn't reneging on the deal," he clarified, despite her insistence that she didn't want to discuss this now. "I made a promise to you -
and
to Alexis - I was just hoping to maybe discuss the terms of said promise, see if there was any sort of leniency.""There's not," she said definitively, leaving no room for rebuttal.He grunted. "You are... maddening," he vented through a clenched jaw.She narrowed her eyes at him. "Yeah, well, you're no picnic either," she hissed.Her stomach flipped and she swallowed, trying to rid herself of the nauseous feeling that sat heavy in her throat."Kate, are you okay?" Castle asked, his voice lacking all the frustration it held just seconds ago."I'm fi-" she tried to argue, but the world around her just wouldn't be still. She closed her eyes, inhaled deeply. "I'm fine.""Maybe you should sit?" She heard Lanie's voice and felt hands on her, guiding her onto the couch.Then everything faded away."Did she lose consciousness?" a doctor - Dr. Paulsen, she thought he had introduced himself as - asked Castle.Castle had insisted they go to the emergency room to get her checked over.She had insisted she was fine, but Lanie pulled the
I'm a doctor and I say you go
card and, so, there she was, sitting in a hospital bed fielding a hundred questions about everything that seemed irrelevant. Castle had taken over answering after just a few minutes, sensing her frustration."Thirty seconds," Lanie answered when Castle faltered.She had insisted on coming with them, to be the calming presence that would be needed in Castle's evident fluster. She, apparently, had been onto something there."Give or take," she continued. "But it was definitely less than one minute."Thankfully, Ryan and Jenny had gone home, knowing there was no point to adding to the chaos of the ER, stating that they
would only be in the way.Two less people to fuss over her, to make a bigger deal out of this than necessary. But Esposito, being Lanie's ride, lingered awkwardly in the corner."I feel fine now, if that makes any difference," Kate added, earning her a stern glare from both her partner and her best friend.Dr. Paulsen smirked at the reactions, understanding that maybe his patient wasn't the best judge of her condition. "Unfortunately, Miss Beckett, I'll still need to wait for your test results," he explained politely.Lanie had already stepped outside the curtained-off cubicle to presumably have the
she's pregnant
discussion with the doctor. That was the only thing that justified the attention she was receiving tonight. A normally healthy adult, fainting once for less than a minute would have been sent on their way after a quick once over from a nurse."We'll get an IV set up to give you some fluids. With the nausea you explained, it can be difficult to replace the fluids you're losing fast enough," Dr. Paulsen explained as he jotted notes on his clipboard.Kate nodded. "Thank you.""Not a problem."Kate sighed as the cubical became silent, the only noises coming from the busyness on the other side of the curtain."Seriously guys, you can go," she offered, hoping she didn't come across as unappreciative. "There's no need for you to waste the rest of your night here.""I'm not going anywhere," Lanie insisted. "Writer Boy needs me," she added, nodding her head to a very flustered looking Castle."And besides, who's going to go on coffee runs and keep everyone's spirits up when Writer Boy is too panicked to think straight," Esposito added with a smile."Come on, I'm not that bad!" Castle defended himself. But when no one relented, he looked to Kate, unsure. "Am I?""You are squeezing my hand kind of hard, babe," she whispered and he released his grip instantly, dropping his hand to the bed."Sorry."She huffed out a slight laugh, placed her hand over his and laced their fingers together again. "I didn't say stop.""You're so bossy," Castle joked, trying to deflect the attention away from his unmeasurable concern. With everyone fussing over Kate, Esposito was sure to catch on to something at some point. And Kate had made it very clear that she wasn't ready for anyone else to know just yet.A nurse entered the cubical, greeting the group."Hi, Kate," he said with a smile. "I'm Sonny, I'll be helping Dr. Paulsen out tonight. I'm just going to get your fluids started."Castle moved out of the way, giving the nurse access to Kate's bedside. He began pulling the necessary items - a tourniquet, cotton balls, medical tape, and alcohol wipes - from a medical cart that was stationed along the side of the cubical. He then moved toward Kate, securing the tourniquet around her bicep and tightening until her veins began to swell and fill with blood.With two fingers, he gently pressed on the inside of her elbow, clicking his tongue. Then he moved down her arm, pressing those same two fingers to the top of her hand."I think we'll go with the hand if that's okay with you.""Yeah, that's fine."Sonny cleaned Kate's hand, wiping it over with the wipes before inserting the needle.Castle watched on, morbidly fascinated, as Sonny continued to set up the IV; taping the needle in place and securing the plastic tube in place with a bandage."You want a notepad?" Kate asked, amused by his fascination. "Take some notes for your next book?""That's okay, I got it all up here," he said, tapping his index finger to his temple. "Nikki Heat is in good hands.""I thought I recognised you," Sonny said excitedly as he hung the bag of fluids on the IV stand. "Richard Castle, right? I love your books!""Well, it's always nice to meet a fan."Sonny simmered his enthusiasm, turning his attention back to his patient. "That's all set now. If you need me, just push the button behind you, but I'll be back to check in on you soon.""Thank you." Kate smiled.The time seemed to pass impossibly slow as they waited for her test results. Sonny popped his head through the curtain every twenty minutes or so, checking in and asking if anyone needed anything.She had insisted several times that Lanie and Esposito go home. She felt bad that, not only had she ruined their plans of a relaxing night with friends, but now they were hanging around the ER for hours on end. But they assured her they were fine, happy to stay and - despite their location and circumstances - they were enjoying the company.It was close to midnight by the time Dr. Paulsen returned with the test results."Iron deficiency anaemia," he announced. "It's common, especially given your current condition.""Told you you need to eat more," Castle mumbled.Kate and Lanie glared at him."It's an easy fix, though," Dr. Paulsen continued to explain, ignoring Castle's commentary. "For tonight, we'll get an iron infusion going. It shouldn't take any longer than an hour, and then we can get you home."Kate sighed, relieved that she could be home soon."I recommend that you look into supplements, preferably something that includes vitamin C as that will help your body absorb the iron easier. Within a week or two, you'll find you'll start to feel more energetic, stronger... you'll feel on top of the world compared to how I imagine you've been feeling lately.""Knock-knock!" They heard called from the other side of the closed curtain, before a head popped through the opening into view."Ah, Dr. Wilkinson," Dr. Paulsen greeted. "Did you get my message?""I did. May I come in?" She asked, turning her attention to Kate."Of course." Kate smiled politely. "What are you doing here?""Once I month I do a block of overnights up in the ward," Dr. Wilkinson explained. "Dr. Paulsen saw my name in your file and asked if we could confer. I just thought I'd pop down and check in."She turned her attention back to Dr. Paulsen. "What's the verdict?""Iron deficiency anaemia," he informed her. "I'm just about to hook up an infusion."As if on cue, Sonny walked in with an IV bag of iron and saline."Let's get this switched over," he said as he removed the IV fluids with the infusion bag."I hope you don't mind, but I took the liberty of putting in a request for a sonographer," Dr. Wilkinson informed the ER doctor."Not at all," he replied. "In fact, I think we are all set now so we will get out of your way."The ER staff moved out of the cubical, allowing enough room for the sonographer to wheel in a portable ultrasound machine.Recognising the technology, Lanie snapped into action."Uh, Javi?" She tapped the back of her hand to his bicep to gain his attention. "I was thinking maybe we
should
go, give these guys some privacy.""Seriously?" he groaned. "We've been waiting around for almost four hours and
now
you're ready to go?""Yep." She nodded and she ushered him out, past the doctor. "Night guys," she called back over her shoulder."Night," Kate and Castle replied in unison."I thought that, seeing as you're going to be here a little while, we might as well check in on the little one," Dr. Wilkinson said with a smile. "How does that sound?"Castle straightened his posture. "Really?"His excitement made Kate feel a guilty about not having involved him in the first ultrasound. If she could, she would go back and do things so differently.The sonographer moved into position, setting up the machine. Castle pulled a chair over to the side of the bed, positioning himself so that he could see the screen. When he sat, he took Kate's hand in his, careful not to pull in her IV as he pressed a kiss to her knuckles."The gel will be a little cold," the sonographer told her as she lifted the sweatshirt up, exposing her belly.Castle smirked at her unbuttoned jeans that wouldn't quite fit over the subtle swell.They waited in silence as the wand glided through the gel, around and around, pressing into her flesh until it found the best vantage point.She watched as Castle craned his neck, trying to see the monitor, to no avail. She couldn't help but smile at the frustrated crease in his brow when every time he caught a decent glimpse of the screen, the sonographer would move, blocking his view.She found herself growing nervous as they waited for the image to be shown to them. She wasn't nervous to see her baby. No, her stomach was churning, heart racing in anticipation to see Castle's reaction.Even with her eyes glued to Castle, she knew the moment the sonographer turned the monitor around. It was as if the stars had fallen from the sky and landed in his eyes. His tears glistened under the fluorescents, pooling in his eyes. He brought her hand back to his face, pressing his lips to her knuckles again and keeping them firmly there.She felt foolish for ever doubting him, for doubting the strength of his love. Because this was it, in its most pure form, and it was beautiful. She never wanted to look away.The sonographer tapped at the keys on the machine, taking measurements and getting captures of the scan.Suddenly, the loud, steady echo of a heartbeat filled the cubical, stealing Kate's attention.She watched the screen in awe, staring at the tiny baby there."It's moving?" she asked, unsure if she was seeing correctly."It is," the sonographer confirmed with a smile.Castle laughed into the back of her hand, a tear falling from the pool in his eyes."That's our baby," he whispered.Kate looked at him; the war she had been fighting in her mind suddenly calming.He was right; no matter what happened over the next few weeks, this was
their
baby."Our baby," she repeated as tears filled her eyes.
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
May 23, 2011 (9w5d)
The street was still after being barricaded off for the impending funeral procession. The unusual state of quiescence was calming on her nerves as she stood in the centre of the typically busy road outside of the precinct.Black bunting decorated the façade of the Twelfth, the building that had served as a second home to her, to many. Floral arrangements, balloons, cards and signs lined the sidewalk, all in tribute to a beloved man killed in the line of duty.She watched as the national flag billowed in the gentle breeze. It had been lowered to half-mast early Friday morning, and had remained unchanged over the weekend. She knew that by the end of the day it would be raised to full mast again. The bunting would be removed, the flow of traffic would be allowed back into the street. Life would just...
go on.The idea of there being any sense of normality in the near future seemed impossible to her. Everything was different now.She knew that she would adapt in time. She was tired of being resilient, of constantly being in a state of having to
bounce back. She felt like the last decade had been one domino falling after the other, always
something
that she had to work through.Castle's hand on her lower back brought her back, away from the pity-party-for-one.It amazed her how easily he pulled her from that darkness."You doing okay?" he asked as he guided her toward the procession of vehicles that lined the street.As per NYPD traditions, a police motorcycle would lead the procession from the precinct to the cemetery, followed by two cruisers for the pallbearers, the funeral coach and a limo for the captain's family members. Following behind would be a dozen patrol cars, lights flashing, and a second motorcycle escort would complete the procession."I'm fine," she answered, distracted by the stoic-faced officers gathering by the barricades.He stopped their journey toward their assigned cruiser, demanding her focus with the curl of his index finger under her chin. Once her eyes were on his, he dropped his hand, knowing now wasn't the time to test her PDA boundaries."How do you feel? You're not dizzy or anything?"She examined the back of her hand where the IV had been inserted, pressing the small round band-aid with her thumb. The sting from the bruise underneath was an oddly satisfying distraction; she'd take physical pain over emotional pain any day of the week."I'm okay, I promise." She looked back at him and offered the warmest smile she could, which she knew wouldn't do all that much to convince him, but it was better than nothing.He looked deep into her eyes, searching for any momentary waver in her resolve. It wasn't that he didn't want her to be okay, he just wished she would stop dismissing the warning signs, insisting that she was fine when she wasn't."Would you tell me if you weren't?" he asked, voice shaking with worry.And suddenly she didn't care that they were surrounded by over a hundred colleagues. She couldn't fight the urge - the
need
- to hold him, to comfort him and
be
comforted by him.She moved closer to his body, tucking her arm under his and leaning into the warmth of his embrace.He pulled her as close as possible, enveloping her in his arms."You're strong enough to do this, I know you are. And, if you need me, I'm right here," he whispered into her hair. Dropping his voice until it was barely audible, he continued, "I love you. I'm right here."She closed her eyes and allowed the beating of his heart to drown out the world around them. Just for a few minutes, just long enough to convince herself that he was right. She may not have felt strong, but she knew that as long as he was by her side she could make it through the day. This day, and all the days to follow, until the world felt
right
again.She inhaled deeply, breathing in his scent until she felt the warmth of his love swell in her chest, calming her entirely.She pulled her head from his chest and locked her eyes with his. She didn't want to hide in her fears anymore."Rick, I l-""Detective Beckett!"She sighed, took a step backward and searched the crowds for the source of the disruption until she spotted a rookie officer approaching apprehensively."I'm sorry to intrude, ma'am," the young officer said as his eyes flitted between her and Castle. "Detective Esposito is looking for you. They're ready to begin.""Thank you, Officer..." Her eyes dropped to the name pinned under his badge. "Dunst. We will be over in a minute," she finished with a smile.The rookie smiled at her before bounding off toward the precinct."So... where were we?" Castle asked once the officer was out of earshot.She turned back to him, reaching for his hand.The words had been right there on the tip of her tongue; she had been so ready and willing to let them spill from her lips, to confirm what she sincerely hoped he already knew:
she loved him.He threaded his fingers through hers, squeezing ever so slightly."Castle..."She looked up at him, gazed into the ocean blue depths of his eyes as she caught the inside of her cheek between her teeth."I-"The words from just moments ago failed to form as every complication flashed to the forefront of her mind.She let out a frustrated sigh. Maybe the moment had passed? Maybe her subconscious realised that he deserved more than an interrupted moment? Surely
that
was why the words seemed to catch in her throat.As she watched him, she noticed a grin spreading across his face."I know," he whispered.She frowned, unsure if she was relieved or confused."You know... I don't care if you say it, Kate," he said as the grin faded into a more serious expression. "All I want is for you to
feel
it.""How will you know that I feel it if I don't say it?""How will I know?" he repeated her question in a way that insinuated the answer was obvious.She opened her mouth to say something, but no words came to her."You're standing here holding my hand despite your insistence that the workplace is a no PDA zone.""No exceptions," she added, rolling her eyes at their current disregard for the rule she had set after
accidentally
kissing him in the conference room."You let me fuss over you at the hospital last night even though I know it was driving you mad."She shrugged. "You felt better having something to do.""You're staying at the loft even though you'd be much more comfortable in your own home, because you know that I need my family right now and you don't want me to have to choose.""I just wanted to be with you," she confessed, shyly looking down to their joined hands. "And I know that sometimes that means a crowded room instead of solitude.""Well, that's how I'll know. When you do these things
for me... I can see that you're trying,
so hard, to fight those voices in your head that tell you this isn't going to work. You're fighting for us, Kate. Against
yourself. If that's not love-"She closed the already
practically
non-existent distance between them and stopped his lips with her own.Her kiss was a thief, stealing the breath from his lungs and the thoughts from his mind. Short and sweet and indelible."Hmm," he hummed against her lips before she pulled away. "And then you do that and it's like a surge of energy enters my body through your lips.""Consider that my way of saying
thank you. For everything.""Well, you are
very
welcome," he replied with a smile.He looked around them, scanning the street for familiar faces until he saw Esposito waiting by one of the cruisers."You ready for this?" he asked, turning his attention back to Kate.She took a deep breath and nodded. "Ready as I'll ever be."She continued on the path they had been walking before, bumping her shoulder against Castle's. He followed her lead, matching her pace, a steady, calming presence. As he had always been.It may not have been an instant thing, but somewhere along the line, long before she realised it, he had become her constant.They sat in the back seat while Esposito rode shotgun, engaging in stilted small-talk with their chauffeur for the morning: Officer Dunst.Dunst was new to the Twelfth. He said he only had the privilege of working under Montgomery's leadership for a little less than a month, but they could tell from the way he spoke that he had a great respect for the man.She was thankful that Esposito seemed happy enough to field the rookie's questions and, between that and Castle's occasional input, she was barely called upon to speak.She pulled a folded piece of paper from her pocket: the eulogy that Castle had helped her write during their hours together at the hospital. Unfolding it carefully, she began to read over their words.The paper was worn, tattered and threatening to fall apart. The corners curled; edges were torn by fidgeting fingers during the dozens of re-reads. By this point, the words were seared into her memory and re-reading it served no actual purpose. But she had to do
something.She rolled her shoulders, trying to ease some of the tension that was building there. The drive had already been too long for her wrecked nerves, and she was starting to feel claustrophobic in the backseat.Castle must have sensed her tension. He slipped his hand between her upper back and the car seat, pushing his thumb between her shoulder blades and massaging it up to the base of her skull.Her head dropped forward and her eyes fluttered closed in response to the touch, the release of so much built up tension."Almost there," he assured her in a hushed tone."I just want this to be over," she confessed as she moved her hand across the distance between them, resting it on his knee.Castle dropped his hand from her back, placing it over hers and giving it a comforting squeeze."Soon," he promised.She flipped her hand over so that their palms touched, fingers interlaced.She never would have expected this level of comfort with this man, not this quickly anyway. Even though they weren't alone, Castle had no reservations about touching her, holding her in whatever way would offer her some peace. And the more he shamelessly showed his love for her, the more she found herself wanting to reciprocate. Last night, despite the dramatic ending, had proven to be exactly what she needed to embrace the
easiness
of this... to trust it.With a smile, she brought their coupled hands to her face and brushed her lips against his knuckles before placing a soft kiss there."I was thinking," she whispered into the back of his hand.He quirked his brow, leaned in closer. "Yes?"She smiled at his blind enthusiasm; she knew that he would readily accept or agree to whatever it was she was about to say."Seeing as I have the rest of the week free...""I like where this is going," he chimed in when she left a long enough pause for him to not cut her off."Maybe I could take you up on that offer to get away for a little bit?" Her eyes flickered to the front seats of the vehicle, checking to make sure their conversation was still relatively private. "That is, if the offer still stands?""Of course it does," he insisted, his eyes following hers to do his own privacy check. "Where would you like to go?"She shook her head. "I don't mind." Turning her full attention back to Castle, she smiled. "I just need
you.""I think I can arrange that."His smile, warm and bright, crinkled at the corners of his eyes, doing its very best to chip away at the pain in her heart.No expense had been spared for the renowned Captain.In a crowd of 500, civilian mourners, family and friends of the fallen had scattered through a sea of navy uniforms.She knew that there, somewhere in the depths of the crowd, was their own support system: her father, her best friend, and Castle's family. Even though she couldn't see them, she was grateful that they were there.She stepped up to position, slipping her fingers behind the handlebar on the left-hand side. Ryan took his place behind her, and Esposito and Castle stepped to the right-hand side to flank the flag-draped casket. McCann and Hendricks joined them, filling the remaining spots.The snare drums sounded, their cue that it was time to perform their duties. She closed her eyes, inhaled deeply and wriggled her fingers. Tapping them against the gold-plated handles nervously as she waited."Ready, up!" Esposito called the command.She exhaled, gripped the handlebar and lifted, supporting her share of the weight."Ready, step!"She went over each step in her head, like a choreographed dance.
Left foot first...
Thirty-inch step...
Right foot to follow...
Left arm swing... but don't overdo it.
Repeat the process.
And breathe. For the love of God, don't forget to breathe.
She could feel her arm growing weaker with each step she took, her grip on the handlebar involuntarily loosening as she felt her strength draining from her.Maybe she wasn't ready for this? Maybe she should have pulled out, stayed home? Evelyn would have understood. Castle had even offered to give the eulogy on her behalf.Esposito's voice cut through her thoughts as he called their next command."Bearers, halt!"They came to a stop, and the sway was undeniable to a point where, out of the corner of her eye, she saw Esposito turn his head to make sure she was okay.She inhaled deeply through her nose, exhaled through pursed lips and gave a subtle nod to assure him she was fine."Ready, down!" he called, and they lowered Montgomery onto the catafalque.Once the casket had been lowered, she touched her gloved hand to it.The funeral director stepped up to the podium, beginning the ceremony and requesting the pallbearers take their seats.She sat wedged between Castle and Esposito trying as hard as she could to listen to the prayers, readings and speeches as each new speaker approached the podium, but she simply couldn't give them her full attention.Each speaker that stepped away from the microphone was a step closer to her having to get up in front of the crowd and talk about the man that had taught her everything she knew about being a good cop, the man that offered her a pseudo-paternal shoulder to lean on when life got to be just a little too much, the man that knew her so well he figured out her relationship with Castle and that she was pregnant in just a few short weeks.The man that had a past filled with secrets, secrets that ultimately led to the death of her mother.The man that lied to her for years, sat on the answers she needed and, even when he knew he was minutes from death, refused to give her the closure she had craved since that cold winter night twelve years ago.She sniffled and suddenly she felt two hands reaching out to offer silent comfort and support. Castle laced his fingers through hers while Esposito simply placed his hand over the top of hers, barely a touch, but a monumental show of support that she appreciated dearly.After a handful of representatives had spoken, it was Kate's turn.She stepped up to the podium and pulled out the tattered eulogy.She glanced over the scribbled words: messy and a little smudged, but they would do."Roy Montgomery taught me what it meant to be a cop," she started, praying her voice wouldn't crack under the pressure.Her eyes searched the crowd, studied the solemn faces as she spoke."He taught me that we are bound by our choices, but we are more than our mistakes."She found her father, sitting with Martha and Alexis. She wondered if that was coincidence, if they had struck up a casual conversation with the first friendly face they found in a sea of strangers, or if they had been guided together purposefully. Her eyes followed the line of seats, landing on her best friend, and her question seemingly answered itself."Captain Montgomery once said to me that for us there is no victory. There are only battles. And in the end, the best you can hope for is to find a place to make your stand. And if you're very lucky, you find someone to stand with you."Her eyes fell to Castle, who was smiling at her in the most encouraging way."Doing great," he mouthed, giving her a subtle thumbs up.With his vote of confidence, she took a deep breath and continued."Our captain would want us to carry on the fight. And even if there is a new battle for us to face each day, there is also hope. Each day has promise and potential and even on the days where we feel like the world might actually end and we are surrounded by darkness, there
is
light. Captain Montgomery found his light in speaking for those who had been silenced. He found his light by celebrating each little triumph. Most importantly, he found his light in his family; his wife and children, his friends, and in the family he forged at the Twelfth. Or, as Montgomery liked to call us, the 'couple hundred
grown up children
that he is somehow responsible for'."An echo of solemn chuckles moved through the crowd like a wave, giving everyone a temporary reprieve from the heaviness of the day.Her eyes drifted across to Montgomery's family. His children sat silently, eyes glued to the ground in front of them. Her heart ached for them; she remembered feeling so lost and confused at her mother's funeral, and these children were barely teens having to deal with these intense emotions.She looked at Evelyn, locking eyes with the grieving widow who seemed to be hanging on every word she had said, clinging so desperately to everyone's memories of her husband, as if enough kind words being spoken would be enough to erase the pain."Roy," she said, turning her attention to the casket as if she was addressing her captain directly. "You have made an impact on so many lives and you will be missed immensely. Thank you, for everything. Rest in peace."She folded her tatty piece of paper and stuffed it back into pocket as she returned to her seat.A dispatcher stepped up to the podium, taking her place. He waited as the flag was lifted from Montgomery's casket, folded and presented to Evelyn.Evelyn accepted the flag, placing it on her lap and smoothing her fingertips over the material. Kate watched on as reality set in and Evelyn wept, clinging to the flag, until the widow's grief was too much and Kate had to look away, fighting back her own tears.After a few moments, the dispatcher spoke."3-0-5-9-1," he called Montgomery's badge number over the radio.Silence filled the air, settling heavy over the mourners. The final radio call ceremony was always difficult."3-0-5-9-1… Calling badge number 3-0-5-9-1."Kate closed her eyes, listening to the stifled sobs and sniffles of the crowd as she swallowed her own emotion."This is the last call for badge number 3-0-5-9-1."There was a small part of her that awaited the crackled response of her captain through the radio. She held her breath, focused on the static.Nothing.And in a moment that lacked all logic and reason, her heart broke all over again."No response from Captain Roy Montgomery."She exhaled, tried to ignore how shaky her breathing was. When she opened her eyes, her vision blurred by the tears that had formed behind closed eyelids."Badge number 3-0-5-9-1 is out of service after 20 years and 4 months of police service. Although you are gone, you will never be forgotten. Rest in peace, our friend."She gathered herself, swallowed the pain. She had a job to do. One final task before she could go home, fall into bed and stay there until the hurt faded."The time is 11 o'clock, May 23rd, 2011."In the distance, the firing party began the three-volley salute.The first shot echoed through the cemetery, sending shivers down Kate's spine.She closed her eyes and tried to block out the memories but the second and third shots only made them more vivid.But it was over now.She let out a breath, unaware that she had held it in so long.The Colour Guard removed the flags, parading them down the centre aisle as the music began to play again.As the choir gathered to sing
Amazing Grace, the pallbearers stepped up to take their positions, ready to lead their captain to his final resting place.
Amazing Grace, how sweet the sound that saved a wretch like me...
She felt Castle's presence, stepping up to the spot behind her, instantly comforting her."You did it," he whispered.She let out a breath that seemed to ease a tremendous weight from her shoulders.She did it.She turned, slightly, until his face came in to view. His smile, while
wildly inappropriate
for their current situation, was infectious and before she could stop it, her own mouth had curved into a shy smile.The dozen voices that formed the choir were joined by various mourners from the crowd as they sang.
I once was lost, but now I'm found...
This moment was what Montgomery had meant, all those times he had pointed out that Castle was
good for her. She knew she wouldn't have been able to do this without his support.
Was blind, but now I see...
In all her anger and heartache, she had forgotten the greatest gift Montgomery had ever given her: this partnership.She took a moment to school her expression, remove the smile from her face before turning back to face the crowd.The distant sonic boom and whistle gave them no warning for the horror to come.Deep red splatter sullied Castle's suit, staining the bare skin of his neck as the frantic screams from the terror-stricken crowd replaced the angel-like harmony of the choir.Castle's eyes widened. "Kate?"She tried to speak, but she was frozen.Frozen, but burning.There was fire in her chest, raging wildly. She couldn't breathe, couldn't speak, couldn't stand.He caught her as she fell; pain seared through her body as it crashed against his."I-" she gasped."Kate, shh..." He lowered her to the ground, placed his hands over the fire. "Kate-""Beckett's down!"Down.Dying.She shuddered, her body going cold except for that fire in her chest, that only seemed to intensify."Stay with me, Kate."He was begging, pleading.She wanted to reassure him: she wasn't going anywhere. There's nowhere she would rather be than right here, in his arms. But the words wouldn't come.She felt his hand scoop under the back of her head, supporting her, cradling her."Don't leave me, please." His tears fell to her face, warm and wet. "Stay with me, okay?"She nodded. At least, she thought she did. Everything was fading... numbing.Everything but that damn fire.She could hear herself gasping and gargling with each breath she tried to draw in.Tried, and failed.Her throat was filling, she felt like she was drowning.She was losing focus, losing sight of him, unable to feel him anymore.That's what hurt most: losing him.She was tired, just wanted to close her eyes, just for a second.They fluttered shut and for a moment, a short yet sweet moment, the pain stopped. The panic stopped."No!" His voice broke through the haze and she forced her eyes open, tried to focus on his face.Using the little energy she had left, she reached up to touch him.It was too hard, she was too weak, but she had to feel his face in her hand one last time. She had come to love the way his face felt pressed against her palm as she looked into his adoring eyes. She needed that, before she left.But her fingertips were numb, she couldn't feel the warmth of his skin.She closed her eyes, felt her own tears wash down her face and into her hair."I- I feel it," she muttered breathlessly.Her own voice sounded like a distant echo and she wasn't even sure if she had said the words out loud. But that wouldn't stop her, she needed him to know.She swallowed the metallic tasting lump in her throat, trying to draw in more air."I -" She sucked in another breath. "- love you.""No, no, Kate, stay with me," he sobbed. "Please. I love you. Please don't leave me."She focused on the sound of the choir's backing track - the orchestral rendition of Amazing Grace - and allowed the knowledge that Castle's arms were securely around her to drown out the chaos and the pain.It was beauty.It was peace.And then, there was nothing.
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
May 23, 2011 (9w5d)
"I feel it," she whispered.The world around him was like a distant fog, the only thing he was able to focus on was her.Her hollow eyes, ghostly white face, the roughness of each shallow breath.And her blood, warm as it seeped into the space between his fingers."I" - she gasped, drawing in as much air as her lungs would allow - "love you.""No, no, Kate, stay with me," he sobbed. "Please. I love you. Please don't leave me."He felt it: the moment she gave up, the moment she couldn't fight the heaviness of her eyelids anymore and let them flutter shut. Her body went limp in his arms and her head slowly rolled to the side.He pulled her closer and pressed his forehead to hers."No," he whimpered. "No, no, no."He shook his head; this wasn't the end. It couldn't be."Kate!" He tapped his blood-soaked fingers against her tear-stained cheek in an attempt to wake her. "Please.""Kate!" He was brought back to the chaos around him when Lanie dropped to her knees by his side and pulled Kate's body from his arms.Screaming and crying; officers barking orders; radio static while officers waited for replies for help, all to the backing track of
Amazing Grace.He sifted through the faces of the scattered crowd in search of his family.There were people everywhere: some ducked behind chairs to hide from the unseen danger; some ran to the assumed safety of their cars.In the seconds that had passed, every officer on site had snapped into action. Castle could see teams searching the grounds; other officers where helping evacuate the cemetery and calling in reinforcements.When he finally spotted his mother and daughter in the chaos, he was overwhelmed with relief to see Ryan escorting them away. Esposito followed behind, trying to drag a distraught Jim to safety."Don't you die on me, Kate." Lanie's voice, the harshness of
that word, pulled his attention back to his partner.He watched her face remain unchanged as her body moved under the force of Lanie's compressions."Don't you dare die on me," she called out again, as if Kate was in control of her fate.He shuffled out of the way, to give her more room to perform CPR.He hadn't even attempted that. The thought that he might
actually
be able to save her hadn't crossed his mind. It was like his brain had lost all function as he watched the colour draining from her face.He froze on her. She needed him, and he did nothing.She was dying, because he didn't act quick enough, because he couldn't think, couldn't act.He wanted to help, wanted to save her, but it was like he couldn't move. His limbs were too heavy, too uncoordinated and uncooperative.All he could do was watch.He didn't know how much time had passed before the ambulance arrived. Before he knew it, he had been guided into the back of the bus alongside the stretcher.It was like he had blacked out; little snippets of what was happening were absorbed into his recollection - the sound of the sirens, being thrown off balance as the ambulance weaved in and out of city traffic, Lanie's pleas for Kate to stay with her - but the majority of everything was just...
nothing.At the hospital, he chased the gurney down the hallway. He had to focus too much energy on not tripping over his own feet as they refused to move with ease. He followed the trail of blood that blemished the crisp white flooring as the wobbly gurney wheel smeared droplets into a crooked line. When he finally caught up to Lanie - who had been left at the surgery doors - he couldn't do anything but stare at the door as it swung back and forth, each swing lessened, shorter and faster until finally it came to a stop."Tell me this isn't as hopeless as it seems, Lanie," he begged, his voice fragile.She didn't say anything; she shook her head and visibly swallowed the lump in her throat as she fought back tears.He wrapped his arm around her to offer her comfort in the only way he could right now.She leant her head against him and began to cry for her friend.He lowered himself into one of the chairs that lined the hallway, thankful for the quiet and calm of this private space away from the turmoil of the cemetery, away from the prying eyes of the hospital's main waiting room.Lanie sat in the chair beside him, and placed her hand over his.Right now, the only comfort they had was each other."You doing okay?" he asked once he trusted his voice to not break.She shook her head, and stared blankly at the wall across from them. "Not really."He searched her face for any sign that Kate was making it out of here alive, but he saw nothing more than a devastated friend terrified of the possibility that this might be the end of the road.He leant back in the chair. He tried to relax into the worn-out padding but even his chair at the precinct was more comfortable than this."Dad!"The voice pulled him to his feet, a reflex action, as his eyes drifted down the hallway to find his daughter.Alexis ran toward him. As soon as he was within reach, she threw her arms around his waist and pressed her cheek to his bicep.Martha joined the embrace, just seconds later, and he was filled with an overwhelming sense of relief to have them both safely wrapped in his arms."I was going to take them home, but they insisted they come here," Ryan explained, his voice gentle."Thank you," Castle said with an appreciative smile as he held his family close.Jim walked up behind them slowly in an effort to bide his time, garner his courage. "Any word on Katie?"His voice was barely a whisper, too weakened by fear to properly project across the short distance between them.Alexis and Martha both pulled back from Castle's arms, looking up at him in anticipation, but he didn't break eye contact with Jim. He shook his head slowly."No, sorry. They took her into surgery. Um," he tried to recall anything that had been said during the ambulance ride, but it was all blank. He felt so useless.He turned to Lanie, who had found her safe haven wrapped in Esposito's arms. "Uh, sorry, Lanie?"She stepped forward and donned the armour of professionalism that they all relied on in times like these."EMTs managed to keep her relatively stable," she informed Jim. "I'm sorry, I wish I could tell you more, give you some answers but-"This wasn't her place; she didn't know enough to do any of them any good right now. The few details she did know and would be confident enough to pass along to her best friend's father... well, they certainly weren't details that would bring anyone any comfort."I understand," Jim said, touching Lanie's arm before he turned and walked away.Castle watched as Jim began to pace the hall. He wanted to say something, to comfort the man, but he knew there was nothing he could do.The attention of the group was drawn toward the swinging doors that led to surgery as they burst open.It had been barely twenty minutes since they had taken her in; Castle knew that any news they would be bringing them this quickly couldn't be anything good.
I'm sorry, but there was nothing we could do.
He shook the thought from his head, wouldn't allow himself to go down that path.But when he saw the man approaching, he recognised him instantly and a different kind of dread filled him.He could see the anger in Josh's eyes from where he stood, huddled amongst friends and family, as they waited."Shit!" His whisper beckoned Lanie's attention. She moved to stand by his side, a silent offer of support.Castle started to walk toward Josh, to keep this inevitably horrible conversation as far away from the others as possible, but it seemed that Josh had other plans. As soon as his eyes locked onto Castle's, he strode with purpose to close the distance between them."Josh..." Castle started but his voice drifted off as he tried to find the right words to say.What exactly do you say to your girlfriend's ex that she may or may not be having a baby with after she's been shot and is fighting for her life in -
evidently
- his operating room?But that didn't matter, anyway. Josh didn't plan on letting him talk.Without uttering a single word, Josh swung at Castle. His fist collided with Castle's jaw with impressive force."Dad!" He heard Alexis's panicked voice over the chaotic reactions from the rest of the group.Castle stumbled and leant against the wall for support. He didn't even have time to regain himself to attempt to strike back before Ryan was in front of him with his hands on Castle's shoulders in an effort to move further away from the angry doctor."Woah," Esposito called angrily as he stepped in front of Josh, holding him back.Castle looked at Josh. He took in the man's frazzled, dejected state and all of his anger faded away.Josh was devastated.The metallic taste of iron filled Castle's mouth and he had no choice but to swallow it down. He wiped the back of his hand along his lip to clear the blood from the corner of his lips.That punch had probably been brewing for a long time now. Hell, if the shoe was on the other foot, he probably would have jumped at the chance to take a swing too."Is it mine?" Josh asked, his voice cracking, his heartbreak so evident that it pained Castle to be the one to have to tell him.He could see that Josh had been clueless up until this point. Kate's fear that he had hung up before her confession all but confirmed.He scanned the faces around him, all varying degrees of confused. All except Lanie.She nodded, a silent encouragement for Castle to talk to Josh."I don't know," he confessed."What do you mean you don't know?" Josh demanded as his confusion spread across his face."I mean-" Castle paused. Was he
really
going to be the one to have this conversation? "I mean
exactly that. I don't know.""She didn't tell you? You never thought to ask?""Of course, I thought to ask.
She
doesn't know." He looked around and tried to ignore the flare of embarrassment as he observed their audience. He lowered his voice, a pointless gesture knowing that everyone can still hear him. "We're waiting on a DNA test."Josh shook his head, turned and walked back toward the operating rooms, but his stride came to a halt after several steps.Castle waited, watching, wondering. Why did Josh stop? Was he contemplating whether or not taking another swing at Castle was worth risking his job?When Josh spun on his heel, eyes locked with him, Castle thought for sure the doctor had decided that it
was
worth it.He readied himself as Josh began to move closer, but Esposito stepped between the men with a warning look in his eyes.Josh's icy glare slowly warmed, allowing his concern for Kate to simmer his frustration."Dr. Kovaks is one of the best," he informed Castle. "Kate is in good hands."Castle closed his eyes and allowed his relief to wash over him. "Thank you.""But, if I were you, I'd start praying for a miracle. That baby is going to need it."Alexis walked toward her father, crappy hospital coffee in hand. She knew he wouldn't drink it, but she felt like she needed an excuse to approach him, to break the invisible barricade he had erected around himself.Josh had walked away, leaving everyone stunned in his wake, almost an hour ago and her father had slinked into this corner in search of solitude.She considered that maybe he had taken Josh's advice and was praying for a miracle to happen. But she knew it was more likely that he was spiralling, going down the dangerous path of
I should have done more.She lowered herself into the seat beside him and held the carboard cup out for him."Thank you," he said softly.She watched him fidget, twisting the cup aimlessly in his hands."You want to talk?""About what?"She rolled her eyes, briefly considered walking away, but she knew this version of her father wasn't purposefully shutting her out.He was genuinely shutting down: the hurt was too much for him, and he just wanted it to stop.But she needed her dad. And sooner or later,
she hoped, Kate would need him, too.She looked back to the rest of the group, huddled in their seats just as they had been when she left in search of something that resembled coffee.She watched Jim as he sat, head bowed, and eyes closed. She couldn't imagine how the man must be feeling right now as he faced the possibility of losing the only family he had left."We're all praying," she said, turning back to him with tears in her eyes.Castle recognised the hurt in her eyes, the look of guilt that lingered and tried to hide in the shadowy pool of tears.He had seen this before: she wanted to confess something."What are you praying for?"She shrugged. "That Kate is okay. That the baby is okay.""No, Alexis. What are
you
praying for?"She stared into his eyes for what felt like a lifetime before her composure cracked."Forgiveness," she whispered.Her composure crumbled and tears streamed down her cheeks.He placed the coffee he had no intent on drinking on the floor then pulled his daughter into his arms. "Alexis...""I was so angry at her for hurting you," she admitted through her sobs. "When you said that she was pregnant I didn't want it to be true. I wished that it wasn't and now-"Her body shuddered as she sobbed; her tears soaked through his shirt."I didn't mean it," she continued, pleading with him to believe her. "I didn't want anything bad to happen.""Alexis, you didn't make this happen.""I know, it's stupid, I know." She lifted her face from his shirt and looked up to meet his eyes. "I just feel so guilty.""You were angry and trying to process big news. This isn't on you; you have no reason to feel guilty about this.""What if something happens?" she whispered, scared that if she spoke the words too loud they might come true. "What if she- I, I just don't want her thinking I hated her.""I promise you; she doesn't think that.""How do you know?""I know that because she told me." More or less, anyway. "The time you spent with her yesterday meant the world to her."Alexis shook her head and fixed her eyes on the floor. "I only showed her a few things, and then I left because Paige called.""It was enough to make her day. She was so happy afterward; she even played a little bit of what you taught her for me; it was pretty good."Alexis smiled. "She already knew most of it.""Well, she credits your patience and kindness to her success," he said with a smile.The girl looked at her hands as she picked at her nails nervously."She's going to be okay, right?" she asked.She brought her eyes up to meet his.He wanted to alleviate her guilt – this wasn't her fault in any way – but he had no way of knowing, not yet. And the last thing he wanted to do was make a promise to his daughter while she was in such a fragile state of mind, especially when keeping that promise was entirely out of his control."Mr. Beckett?" A man in scrubs, presumably Kate's surgeon, stepped out into the hallway as he called out and drew the attention of everyone who had gathered by."Yes," Jim identified himself, stepping toward the surgeon.He turned to Castle and, with a simple nod, invited him to join them."You okay if I-?" he started to ask his daughter, but his question was cut off by her overzealous nod.He released his hold of her as he slowly rose and walked over to join the discussion."I'm Dr. Kovaks, your daughter's surgeon. Your daughter suffered what we call a traumatic pneumothorax," Dr. Kovaks acknowledged Castle's presence with a curt nod as he informed Jim of Kate's condition. "What that means is air is entering the pleural cavity, causing the lung to not be able to expand properly as she breathes. Unfortunately, she is also bleeding into the cavity and the pressure has caused the lung to collapse. A chest tube has been inserted into the cavity to drain it and allow her lungs to fully expand.""So, she's going to be okay," Jim said, hopeful that the worst was over now."Your daughter's condition was complicated by her iron deficiency," Dr. Kovaks explained."Iron deficiency?"Castle touched the back of his hand to Jim's forearm in attempt to gain the older man's attention."She was hospitalized last night," Castle explained once Jim managed to pull his attention away from the doctor. "It was late by the time we found out what was wrong, she was going to talk to you about it today.""Hospitalized?""Quick visit to the ER for an iron infusion and then sent on our way," Castle filled the worried man in, vaguely. "If it were anything dire you would have been informed immediately, I promise.""Without enough iron, the body can't produce efficient red blood cells which can severely effect oxygen flow throughout the body." Dr. Kovaks dove back into his explanation. "Add the blood loss and the fact that she cannot breathe independently right now, we had no choice but to intervene.""Intervene?" Castle's stomach dropped, heartbeat racing. "What does that mean?"Even without clarification, he knew it couldn't be a sign of anything good. He wiped his sweaty palms down his thighs.As Dr. Kovaks shifted his weight from one foot to the other, his body turned ever so slightly so that he was facing toward Castle."The foetus is in distress and pulling vital resources for its survival, resources that Katherine doesn't have readily available right now."He didn't have to be a doctor to read between the lines on this one. Without
intervention
– as Dr. Kovaks had called it – fighting for survival was becoming a dangerous tug of war between Kate and the baby."Brain cells are very sensitive to a lack of oxygen and can start to die off very quickly if there isn't a sufficient supply. To help ease the stress on her body we have put her into a controlled state of unconsciousness.""A medically induced coma?" Jim asked for clarification."Yes. It is not common practice, but I assure you it is safe, for Katherine
and
the foetus. There are benefits. Mostly, this buys us time that we need: twenty-four to forty-eight hours of us being in control of her brain function, her breathing, is time where her body's energy can be focused on healing, not fighting.""Can I see her?" Jim asked, visibly overloaded by the information. It was obvious he just needed to see his daughter, to know that she was okay."She is being transferred into ICU. It may take a little while to get everything set up, but someone will come and get you as soon as you are able to see her." Dr. Kovaks gave Jim a comforting pat on the shoulder before he addressed the rest of the group. "I suggest everyone else go home, get some rest.""Thank you, Doctor." Jim turned to Castle as the doctor walked away. "You should go home, rest up. I can call you when we can see her.""I don't want to leave her," Castle argued as respectfully as possible. "I don't want to leave
you, either. You shouldn't be alone.""Son, with all due respect, seeing you like this isn't helping." Jim's eyes dropped to Castle's chest and realisation dawned on him.He was still covered in Kate's blood. Though dry now and barely visible on the dark material, the deep staining was unmistakable to those who knew it was there."I'll call you," the man reassured him."I'll stay," Lanie offered quietly as she wrapped her fingers around Castle's bicep. "It's okay, Castle. Take your family home."Castle pressed his fingertips to his forehead and gently massaged the tension in his temples."Right, yeah, I- uh. I'll go." He held his arm out and Alexis stepped into his arms, ready to leave with him. "If you need anything,""I'll call."
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
May 23, 2011 (9w5d)
Sterile. White. Fluorescent.And cold. Too cold.He had never been to this part of the hospital before, which was something he had never been more grateful for as he walked the wide corridor toward the hub of the Intensive Care Unit.This place was so clean and clinical; it made his stomach churn as his mind drew parallels, made the connection and remembered what this place reminded him of: the morgue.This place seemed just as lifeless. There was no idle chatter among visiting family members, no excess of staff to walk the hallways engaging in harmless, time-killing workplace gossip.Just machines.Technological lifelines singing their incessant tune;
beep, ding, whir.Their song grew louder as he moved further into the unit, but still not loud enough to drown out the thundering of his brain as it pounded his skull, throbbed behind his eyes. He had gulped down
too many
aspirin as soon as he had arrived home, but they didn't seem to be working in the slightest and now the flickering fluorescent lights were his greatest enemy.He rubbed his right eye - where the pain seemed to radiate from - with the heel of his right palm as he looked down at the words scrawled on his left.Lanie had called as a nurse escorted her and Jim to Kate's room. As she relayed every step they had taken to ensure he would have no issue finding them upon his return, he scribbled her directions onto the palm of his non-dominant hand. If he had dictated correctly, he was approaching his final direction.The knowledge that he was close was exactly the motivation he needed to set his discomfort aside: he was just moments away from seeing Kate, just moments from being able to remind himself that he hadn't lost her. The battle was far from over, but they were one step closer.He heard a chime through the PA system, a call for a
Doctor D'Arcy
to
please report to paediatrics
sliced through the silence. Castle looked up, over his shoulder, to the speaker he had just walked past to listen to the call as it repeated. It was a brief distraction from his internal tornado of worry and grief. Brief, but oh so welcome."Oof." He heard grunted as his body collided with something, knocking the air from his lungs.Hands gripped his biceps, stilling his movement, steadying him. "I am so sorry," a familiar voice declared with urgency."I'm sorry," Castle rushed to apologise as he finally redirected his attention from the speaker box on the wall. "Pardon my... absent-mindedness..."His voice trailed off as he looked into the familiar brown eyes. He straightened his posture and straightened his jacket out."I'm sorry," Josh said again, in a much more neutral tone, as he dropped his hands from Castle's arms. "Wasn't paying attention.""Yeah, no, I- uh-" Castle looked back over his shoulder to the speaker box, before returning his attention to Josh. "I got distracted. I'm sorry."Tension swirled in the air around them as they stood in an uncomfortable silence.Josh glanced down at Castle's busted lip and Castle could have sworn he saw what looked like regret in the doctor's eyes."I, uh- I'm sorry I hit you," Josh said, breaking the silence.A stinging pain shot through Castle's lip as his tongue ran over the bruised and slightly swollen point of contact. Through the partially self-inflicted pain, he smiled and shrugged."Water under the bridge," he replied, determined to make this situation as painless as possible.He watched Josh's mouth open slightly, as if he was going to say something, before he closed it again and pursed his lips together thoughtfully."Uh, she's just around the corner," Josh stated as he pointed his thumb in the direction Castle was already headed. "Third room on your left."Castle offered a small, hesitant smile. "Thank you."Josh stepped aside to make room for Castle to pass by but as he rounded the corner, Josh called out."Hey, Castle?"He turned back to face the man again. "Yeah?""Just... brace yourself," he warned. "It can be a lot to take in at first if you've never seen it before. But... she's okay."He tried to calm the million thoughts that swirled around his mind. If Josh - the man who just hours ago had been filled with such rage he lost control and physically attacked him - was suddenly filled with empathy and compassion, he could only imagine what he might be about to walk into."Th-thanks for the heads up," he stuttered as he tried to calm his mind.He took a deep breath and continued on his journey.He turned the corner into the main corridor of the ICU. Each room that lined each side of the corridor was made of glass; like the tank-lined walls of a pet store, like he was browsing for a new goldfish to replace the class pet that hadn't survived it's weekend field trip to the loft all those years ago.The first room he passed was empty. A stripped bed in the centre of the room, surrounded by machinery not comparable to any hospital room he had seen before.The second room had the pale yellow privacy curtain pulled partially closed, but through the opening he could see an elderly man connected to more wires and IV lines than he would have thought possible. As he moved past, he noticed a priest by the man's bedside, and what he could only assume was family members grieving openly.The family's tears provided all the information Castle needed: this was their goodbye.His stomach dropped as the reality of this place settled in. For the first time, his curiosity dissipated. He didn't want to think statistically, didn't want to know the numbers, the percentage of people who actually make it
out
of the ICU.The numbers didn't matter. Kate was strong, she was a fighter and she was getting out of here.She was coming home to him.She had to.They were going to be a family.He took a deep breath and slowed his pace. The next room - shielded by a lavender purple privacy curtain - was Kate's room and he suddenly found himself needing just a few extra seconds to prepare himself.He stopped by the door - opened, but blocked by the curtain - and took a moment to calm his racing heart. Through the gap in the curtain, he could see Jim and Lanie sitting together in pensive silence.Lanie must have sensed his presence and she looked up at him, her eyes tired and filled with tears. She offered the slightest smile before she stood and walked toward him."Hey," she whispered as she stepped out of the room."Hey, you okay?" he asked as he reached out for her, touching her forearm gently.She nodded as she wiped a stray tear from under her eye. "Yeah, it's just... been a long day."She let out a small, sad ghost of a laugh.Been a long day
didn't even begin to cover the exhaustion and heartache that had enveloped them all: an ever-present, slowly suffocating blanket.He held his arms out and she stepped closer, accepting his comfort."You need a break?"She shook her head, no. "Jim might," she said as she looked back into the room.Castle checked his watch: almost 5pm. "Have you both eaten?"Lanie pulled from his arms and shook her head again. "I, uh, I brought up a sandwich for him earlier but I don't think he's touched it," she told Castle as she looked back over her shoulder.Castle peered over her head and took a moment to watch Jim as he sat in silence, obviously lost in his thoughts.He moved his attention back to Lanie. "And what about you?""I'm not hungry," she brushed him off without so much as looking at him."Just... humour me?"Her eyes burned into his with a defiance that he found oddly comforting. For a short moment he wondered if she and Kate practiced these looks - looks that he could
swear
were reserved solely for him - when he wasn't around. They had to at least be swapping notes. Maybe they took a Master Class, studying under the true expert in this discipline: Alexis.He smiled at the thought and Lanie's eyes softened.Wordlessly, she stepped back into the room and placed her hand on Jim's shoulder to gain his attention. After a brief exchange of words, the man rose from his seat and walked toward Castle."Rick," he greeted as he stepped out of the room.He held his hand out and Castle readily accepted it. As they shook hands, Castle touched his left hand to Jim's wrist: a silent show of sincerity and support for the man. Jim smiled, acknowledging the act, but his eyes were as hollow as Kate's had been."How is she?""She's stable," Jim said solemnly.Castle had hoped for more, for any and every little piece of information they could offer. But, for now,
stable
was good enough."Come in." Jim stepped aside, motioning into the room with an open palm.Castle hesitated. "Actually, there is something I need to do before I get settled in here.""What's that?""Food," he stated as if it were the only obvious answer. "For you and Lanie.""Oh, I'm not-""Not up for debate, sorry," he interrupted Jim's protests. "Because when she -" He pointed toward the room. "- pulls through this, if she finds out that I wasn't feeding you and making sure you actually stepped outside for a breath of fresh air every now and then, she
will
kill me."
Oh, dear God, he hoped Jim would be able to embrace his neurotic need to lighten the situation easier than Kate had...
Jim lowered his head and, if Castle didn't know better, he could have sworn he heard a chuckle.Because, even though he was trying to lighten the mood, they all knew there was a truth to his words."Food and air, like a potted plant?" Jim looked back up to him. "I can't leave her alone," he said, apologetically."Oh, of course," Castle agreed. "That is why Lanie will be taking you to the cafeteria downstairs while I stay here with Kate."He looked at Lanie, resting his hand on her shoulder, giving her the opportunity to speak up if she wasn't comfortable with this plan. When she nodded he pulled his wallet from his jeans pocket and passed a small wad of cash to her before tucking it away again."I hear the food here isn't half bad," he added as he turned his attention back to Jim, trying to persuade the man. "And the cafeteria is directly below us, you won't be any more than five minutes away.""Is this payback for me sending you home before?" Jim asked with a smile and Castle relaxed, understanding that this was Jim leaning into the
humour to lighten the mood
thing."No," he promised with a smile. "Later, when I insist you go home and try to get some sleep:
that
will be payback."Jim smiled and patted Castle on the shoulder. "Not gonna happen," he said as he stepped closer to Lanie."We'll discuss it."Castle waited and watched as Jim and Lanie walked away.He was stalling, trying desperately to buy himself extra precious seconds of ignorance. Right now, all he knew was that she was alive and her condition was stable: if he just... never stepped foot into this room, he could carry on pretending that everything was fine.He could replay the memories of this morning over and over again: a supercut of better times.He would start with her frustrated groan when their alarm -
their alarm
- went off after just a few short hours of sleep. The way she snuggled further into his side instead of pulling herself out of bed, only relenting once he promised her they would return to that exact position as soon as they could.Cut to the small, precious moment of panic when she dressed in her uniform and insisted her belly was
too obvious. Replay highlights of the ten minutes that followed of her untucking and re-tucking her shirt in an attempt to hide the bump, despite his reassurances that it really wasn't that evident. The way she smoothed her hands over it, whispering reassurances to their unborn child:
I'm not actually mad, it's just going to be a rough day.Skip forward to their embrace in front of the precinct; the way she allowed herself to rely on him, so openly. The way his words and his arms wrapped around her, seemed to be the only thing that could comfort and calm her.Focus on the intensity when he felt it: her love for him. There was no doubt, no fear, just warmth that spread through him like wildfire.Finish with the tight curve of her lips as she tried not to return his proud smile, just moments before darkness crept in.His entire body shuddered as if it were trying to physically expel the memory from his mind.
It can be a lot to take in at first if you've never seen it before.
The words brought an abrupt end to his mental montage. He closed his eyes to force Josh's warning from his mind. Why did he have to say that? Castle was
fine
before his run-in with the doctor.He sighed.
No he wasn't.He wasn't under any illusion that this would be easy for him. All Josh did was ensure he wasn't walking into this blindly, he couldn't fault the man for that.In fact, he was grateful for it.He took a deep breath and swallowed his fear with a reminder that she was here, she was alive and fighting to see another day.That was more than he thought possible, just hours ago.He shifted the curtain as he stepped into the room. The sharp scrape of metal links sliding through the curtain's tracks gained the attention of Kate's nurse, who smiled her silent greeting.But Castle couldn't muster any form of acknowledgement for the friendly young blonde and her
too bright for such a sombre scene
hot pink scrubs.His eyes were glued to Kate - the love of his life - laying motionless, so vulnerable and weak, in the bed before him.He didn't know what was more jarring: her eyes being taped shut, the thick plastic tube that led to a big, bulky ventilator - the only thing that kept her breathing - or the dozens of other tubes and wires that were attached to or protruding from her body.The blood pressure cuff around her bicep began to hum as it inflated, the Velcro grips tore loudly as it tightened around her arm. After a minute, the cuff hissed as it deflated, and the reading was updated on the monitor beside Kate's bed.He looked at the monitor, eyes drifting over the colourful array of numbers and moving lines. Nothing made sense.He moved his attention back to Kate as he finally found it in himself to move closer to her. Very carefully, he brushed his fingers through a lock of hair, moving it off her shoulder."You let her hair down?" The words came out a strangled,
almost
cry, like he was accusing the nurse of something much more sinister than removing a few hair pins.He closed his eyes and swallowed the lump in his throat before turning his attention to the nurse. He could see confusion cross her face before she replaced it with a warm smile."Pins and hair ties can increase the risk of pressure sores," she explained. "It's more comfortable for Kate this way."He continued to watch the nurse as she took two steps toward Kate's bed and ducked down to check on something before moving back to her desk to jot notes down on Kate's chart. She clicked her tongue as she wrote and seemed entirely too cheery for the setting: from the painted on smile to the colourful stickers on her hospital ID, she looked like she had stepped straight out of a cartoon."Do you have any questions?" she asked.His eyes darted back to Kate, taking her in from head to toe.Yes, he had
a million
questions. Truthfully, he wouldn't even know where to start."Uh, do you mind explaining what all this-" He waved his hand in the air as if to highlight, well,
everything. "-is for? I just... I like to
know, I like to research and have the facts. It's comforting."The nurse smiled. "Of course, I can do that."She became nothing more than a pink blur that moved around the room as he looked at Kate and focused on the words that spilled from the nurse's mouth as effortlessly as a waiter spouting off the special of the day."These small patches on her head, chest, arms and legs are electrodes for the electrocardiogram and electroencephalogram. When we hook them up to this machine-" She touched her fingertips to a monitor behind Kate's bed. "-we will be able to monitor heart and brain function.""Why aren't they connected now?""It's not something that needs to be monitored 24/7. We have the pulse oximeter on her finger, that will keep track of her heart rate and blood oxygen. If anything unusual shows up on that, then we'll redo the electrocardiogram, but for now she is doing great."He forced his eyes from Kate to look at her nurse, who's smile seemed confident...
encouraging. He realised this nurse didn't seem out of place, at all: the brightness of her smile, the cheery demeanour, the playfulness of her uniform - it was all a purposefully crafted role that this woman was playing...
for them.His eyes drifted down to her hospital ID in search for the woman's name, something that - under any other circumstances - he was sure he would have remembered to ask as soon as he entered the room. That was when he saw the familiar white
dollie script
name embroidered on the breast pocket of her scrubs."Nurse...
Barbie?" he questioned sceptically."It's a, uh,
long story." She removed her latex glove and held her hand out to him. "Barbara, Barbie, Barb... I'll answer to just about any variation."He shook her hand. "Rick Castle."Barbara moved back to her station to retrieve a new glove before returning back to Kate's bedside."This here is the endotracheal tube for the ventilator.""I'm familiar with that one," he informed her.He had spent most of his time at home researching everything he could remember Dr. Kovaks telling them. He had fallen down a medical journal rabbit hole on Propofol and intubation methods: the pro's, the con's, the increased risks and mortality rates. Though
objectively
these rates were extremely low, when it's your family... well, anything
less
than a guarantee just isn't good enough.Alexis had managed to pull him from his spiral but this wasn't a rabbit hole he wanted to revisit anytime soon."Got it. So, next we have a blood pressure cuff. This stays one stays on, it will automatically take a reading every hour and update directly to the monitor." She pointed over her shoulder to the monitor of colourful numbers and lines, but quickly moved on. "Then we have this tube here. This is a chest tube. It was inserted into the pleural space during surgery. So it sits between the lung and the chest wall and it drains any build up that might be stopping Kate's lungs from being able to expand fully.""It's been several hours, shouldn't the blood be drained by now?""Fluid build up after surgery is to be expected," she assured him. "The drain will stay in for a few days at least, until we are certain there is nothing left to obstruct expansion."Castle nodded as his eyes drifted over Kate's body, mentally recounting the new information he had, matching each wire and tube to their purpose. "What about these catheters? Are they just for medication?""Yes, so, this one here-" She pointed across Kate to the tube peeking out from under her hospital gown, taped to her right thigh. "-is a central venous catheter, connected to the syringe driver. As you can see, we have several medications loaded in the syringes and each one is programmed with it's own specifications. The driver will gradually administer the meds directly into the femoral artery. Kate is currently receiving a general antibiotic for potential infection, pain medications and an anti-nausea medication."Barb moved her attention back up to Kate's arms, motioning toward her right-hand side, closest to Castle."The IV closest to you is an iron infusion and the one in the back of her hand is for fluids. And this one-" She pointed to the catheter at Kate's left elbow. "-is for drawing blood."There was a knock against the wall that brought today's
ICU 101
session to an abrupt end. A man in navy scrubs poked his head into the room."Am I interrupting?" he asked."Of course not," Barb responded cheerfully. "Mr. Castle, this is Dr Khan. He is the ICU consultant for Kate's case.""Nice to meet you, Mr. Castle." Dr Khan held out his hand and Castle shook it. "Are you... family?""I'm her partner," Castle replied, hoping the all-encompassing term would be good enough."Ah, yes. Mr Beckett did say to expect you at some point." The doctor flashed his pearl-white teeth before continuing. "I spoke to him earlier about inserting a nasogastric tube so that we can start giving Kate some nutrient packs. I've got a team gearing up to do that now, if that's okay?""Yes, absolutely! I'll just-" Castle stepped aside, awkwardly tucking himself as far into the corner of the room as he could. "-I'll get out of your way.""I apologise, Mr. Castle, but I will be needing you to leave the room while they insert the tube.""Why do I need to leave?""The process is slightly different in intubated patients," Dr Khan explained.Castle looked at Barb, her eyes conveying the message he knew no one would say out loud.
This isn't something you'll want to witness.
"It shouldn't take long," she assured him with a smile. "Maybe use it as an opportunity to grab yourself a coffee or something."He looked at Kate as he walked toward her. Reality felt so heavy right now, like a weight he wasn't prepared for settling deep in his stomach.He didn't want to leave her, but he also knew that these people did this every single day and, if they were advising against him staying, he was certain he should heed their advice.He reached out cautiously and folded his fingers around hers, giving her just the slightest squeeze.He knew better, but when she didn't squeeze back, didn't move even slightly, a wave of sadness rushed through him, adding to that heaviness inside.He had severely underestimated the strength it would take to walk away from her when she was like this.Slowly, he nodded and swallowed the lump in his throat. "O-okay."He paced the corridor outside of Kate's room as he waited.He had considered taking Barb's advice and getting himself a coffee, but he couldn't bring himself to leave Kate. Besides, he had promised Jim he would stay by her side; even just being outside of the room felt too far."It shouldn't take long," he muttered the nurse's words sarcastically under his breath.He wasn't sure exactly how long this process was supposed to take, but he felt like he had been pacing for an eternity now.He craned his head trying to peek through the privacy curtain but through the slight crack in the fabric shield, all he could see was the foot of the bed.With a huff, he went back to pacing.After several more minutes, Lanie and Jim walked around the corner. His eyes locked on Jim's and he saw the instant panic spread over the man's face."What's going on?" Jim asked, his eyes darting anxiously between Castle and the closed door of Kate's room."Nothing," Castle assured the man as quickly as possible. "They, um- everything is fine. They're just inserting a nasogastric tube so they asked me to step outside for a moment."He watched as Jim repeated his action from just minutes ago, trying to peek through the curtains."It shouldn't take long," he repeated the nurse's words once more, this time as if he actually believed them.Two short beeps came from Lanie's phone."Sorry, that's Javi," she explained as she read the incoming text messages."Everything okay?" Castle asked her."Yeah, he's waiting outside. I have to go, sorry."She stepped forward to hug Castle. His arms wrapped around her, holding her tight."If you need anything at all, you call me, okay?""I will," he said with a soft smile as he pulled away from her.She turned to face Jim again. "Anything at all!" she said before she pulled him in for a hug, too."Thank you, Lanie."Just as Lanie walked away, Barb slid the privacy curtain open. "You can come back in now," she said with a smile.Castle motioned with his hand into the room, allowing Jim to enter first. Both men lingered at a distance, taking in the new addition to the already overwhelming sight. The thin cream coloured tube, taped to her cheek, was already hooked up to a nutrient pack."Temp is slightly elevated," one of the intensivists commented."Increase acetaminophen dosage to 500milligrams," Dr Khan instructed. "See if that brings it back down.""A fever? Does that mean she has an infection?" Castle asked as he tried to contain his concern."That is possible, yes." Dr Khan addressed both Castle and Jim. "But it could be a number of other things, too. Slightly elevated temperature could also be due to medications. Hormones are also a considerable factor here, so it's best not to jump to worst case scenario. Kate is already on broad spectrum antibiotics and we have taken blood cultures so if anything grows, we will be able to swap to something more specified. For now, there's no cause for concern.""Dr Khan?" another intensivist called to gain the doctor's attention.Castle, Jim and the Dr Khan all looked his way. The man was standing by Kate's bedside holding a hand-held doppler, probe pressed to Kate's abdomen."Foetal heart rate has fallen below 200 beats per minute," he continued."Current reading?" Dr Khan asked, brow furrowed."192bpm." The intensivist passed a medical chart to the doctor."Is that bad?" Jim asked as Dr Khan read over the chart."Your average,
healthy
foetus at 9 to 10 weeks has a heart rate between 160 and 180 beats per minute," Dr Khan explained. "The reading is still tachycardic, but I'm seeing a steady decrease. It seems now that Kate's condition has stabilised, so is the foetus'."Castle exhaled, a weight lifted off his shoulders."We will continue to monitor closely but, for now, I am happy with what I am seeing."
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
May 24, 2011 (9w6d)
"Castle." He heard his name, a stage whisper that barely cut over the endless
beeping
that kept him from falling into the deep sleep his body so desperately needed. "Castle!"He didn't have to open his eyes to know it was still night - or very early morning - because even in the windowless confines of this ward, sunrise would have been marked by an assault of fluorescent lights that even closed eyelids couldn't fully block out.Castle rolled over slightly in the recliner an orderly had rolled into the room for him. A bed, it was not. But it was significantly more comfortable to "sleep" in than the visitors' chairs, so he wasn't about to complain.Castle could hear Jim's soft snores from the other side of the room. The man had been uncompromising in his insistence that Castle take the recliner."I won't be sleeping," Jim had stated as stubbornly as his daughter would have.Not an hour later, Jim's eyes closed, and his head fell back against the wall: fatigue had won the battle."Castle," the whisper beckoned to him again. "Are you awake?"
If Jim was contently snoring in the corner...
He forced his eyes open and sat upright. "Kate?"The room was lit only by the soft glow radiating from the monitors."Everything okay, Mr Castle?" Noah, the night nurse, asked.Castle slumped back into the chair as he absorbed the scene before him: Kate was exactly how she had been an hour ago, when he last woke to check on her."Yeah, I'm... yeah." He sighed, trying to ignore the disappointment that stirred in him. "Sorry. I'm fine, just a dream."He pulled the woven cotton blanket that had at some point been draped over his lap up to his chest and rolled to his side, hiding his face from Noah as tears began to well in his eyes.He told himself that he
wouldn't
cry himself to sleep. He lied.Three am, on the dot, he woke again.It seemed his brain wasn't comprehending Kate's current situation and, instead, wanted to replay every
other
possible scenario for him.Movie nights, snuggled up on the couch sharing popcorn.Lazy mornings in bed, talking about anything and everything, making vague plans for their future.The two of them walking hand-in-hand along the beach outside his Hampton's residence, as they had discussed just yesterday.Right now, that discussion seemed like a lifetime ago.He checked his phone, not expecting anyone to have tried to reach out to him since he last checked - given the hour - but he was desperate for distraction and felt relieved to see he had received a text from Alexis, just 20 minutes ago.
Can't sleep, thinking of Kate. Hope everything is going alright. Call me when you wake up, please.
Still sleepy and a little uncoordinated, he closed the footrest of the recliner and stood to stretch his arms over his head, yawning."Get much sleep?" Jim asked from his corner of the room.Castle startled a little, not expecting Jim to be awake already. "Uh, yeah, a little. You want the recliner now?"Jim shook his head. "No. Thank you."Castle took a few small steps toward the bed. He placed his hand over Kate's stomach; partially for the connection to her and their child, partially because he was too scared to touch her anywhere else, afraid that he might
knock
or
pull
or
interfere
with one of the many vital lines that cascaded over her body. Barb and Noah had both reassured him, several times, that he wouldn't hurt her, that it would take more than an accidental bump to cause her any harm, but he wasn't about to take any chances."I'll be right back," he announced to the room, although his true intention was to make sure Kate knew he wasn't leaving her.It may have been naïve, but he needed to believe that she knew he was there, that she could hear him.As he walked toward the door, he held his phone up for Jim to see. "Just making a quick phone call."He pulled the privacy curtain aside and the lighting from the hallway blinded him temporarily. He groaned, squeezing his eyes shut and allowing a moment of recovery before slowly opening them again. He closed the curtain behind him and walked down the corridor to the information desk."Excuse me," he said softly as he approached the desk.The middle-aged woman manning the desk looked up from her computer screen and smiled. "Hi, how may I help you?""I was told there is a visitor's room somewhere. Would you mind pointing me in the right direction?""Of course." The woman stood so that she could see over the high countertop. "You go straight down to the end of this hallway and turn left," she instructed, waving her hand in the air to mimic the directions she gave him."Thank you very much.""Oh, you're very welcome," she replied with a bright smile.He followed the woman's directions and, sure enough, he found the room he was looking for. The room was large, each wall was lined by cushioned bench seats and covered with bulletin boards that were crowded with informational brochures and posters.
Your health is our priority.
Communicating with your healthcare provider: improving the safety & quality of your care.
Could it be sepsis: the question that saves lives.
It was an overload to his already wired brain - should he be taking the time to read through all this information? How would he know what was and wasn't relevant?He decided that would be a task for later, once he was fully awake, and forced his eyes away from the collage of medical posters. Along the wall closest to him there was a small kitchenette stocked with an assortment of teas, instant coffee, cocoa powder and a water urn.Allowing his writer's curiosity to give his head and his heart a short reprieve, he began to look in the cabinetry. The kitchenette was well stocked with everything one could possibly need.The cupboard above the bench held cups, plates and take-away containers. The bench drawers held cutlery, towels and cloths for dishes and a folder containing information about nearby restaurants that deliver to the hospital. There was even a small pantry and fridge that was stocked with biscuits, milk and creamer, basic condiments and salt & pepper.He took a seat at the large dining table that filled the space. He pulled out his phone and typed out a text to make sure Alexis was still awake before he called. Her reply came almost instantly.With a smile, he dialled."Hey, Dad," she greeted, her voice low and sleepy."Did I wake you?""No, I've been drifting in and out for most of the night," she said with a heavy sigh. "How is Kate?""No change," he informed her as he leant back in the chair. "Apparently that's a good thing, though.""Better than-" she stopped herself before carelessly speaking the words no one needed to hear. "How are
you
doing? Have you slept at all?""I'm doing okay," he promised her.The line went silent. He knew that now was probably the time to fill it with some light-hearted commentary. Instead, he leant against the tabletop and rested his cheek on his fist. He took a moment to appreciate the silence and take solace in the fact that his daughter was with him, on the other end of the line.As much as he would love to see her, to hug her and allow her presence to rid him of some of his sorrows, he didn't want to subject her to this.To the horrid feeling of being right there but being so utterly helpless."Will you be coming home at all today?" she asked, breaking the silence. "I can make you breakfast, have it all ready for you.""I appreciate that, kiddo, but I- I just don't know. It's, uh. It's hard to leave her.""Maybe Gram and I can bring you something?" she suggested. "Something for Mr Beckett, too.""You don't have to, Pumpkin.""Dad,
please?" she pleaded with him. "I have to do
something."The almost imperceptible break in her voice was like a knife to the heart and he realised that keeping her away wasn't doing a damn thing to save her from that helpless feeling."Breakfast sounds great," he whispered as he tried to keep his emotions from his voice. He cleared his voice and tried to force a molecule of authority into his words. "But sleep first, okay?""I will, I promise.""I love you.""Love you too, Dad."He hung up the phone and tucked it into his pocket. He looked around the room again, taking in the bulletins. With a heavy sigh he decided that this place was somehow even more stressful than Kate's bedside. The newfound sense that he was
too far
away pulled him from his seat and he strode back toward her room with an unfounded urgency in each step.When he stepped through the curtain, he made a beeline for Kate."I'm here." He whispered his assurances as he folded his hand over hers. "I'm right here, Kate."He brushed her hair back from her forehead as he stared at her, waiting for...
anything.Usually, this would be the moment where she would start to stir from her sleep, slowly open her eyes to find him staring at her with that goofy, loved-up smile he knew she secretly loved. She would groan and tell him that staring was creepy but as she closed her eyes and soaked in those final moments of rest, she would smile because she knew, without a doubt, she was loved and adored.What he wouldn't give to hear her say he was creepy...He was obviously sleep deprived because he could have sworn that he felt her finger brush against the palm of his hand.His eyes darted to where their hands joined, and he watched and waited.He could feel the steady
thud
of his heart grow stronger as each second passed, climbing from his chest to his throat. He tried to swallow it back down to where it belonged, but it only climbed higher until the
beeping
of monitors was replaced entirely by the sound of his heartbeat thundering in his head.He reminded himself to breathe, to inhale and exhale slowly to calm himself down.Just as he had
almost
convinced himself he was just imagining things again, he felt the slight flutter of movement against his palm."She's moving!" he blurted before he could even compute whether that was a good thing or not.Jim was by his side in seconds."She's crying," the older man said, directing his words to Noah.Castle moved his gaze back to her face just in time to see the single tear drop slide down her cheek and into her hair. He fought back the memory of watching her tears fall into her hair, when he cradled her as she bled out."Is she in pain?" Castle asked as he ignored the guilt that he would likely carry with him until the day he died."We have to keep her eyes lubricated to prevent potential problems such a scratching or swelling. We use saline drops every four hours so it's most likely just a build-up of moisture," Noah explained. He checked his watch before continuing. "Speaking of which, I am due to re-lubricate."Noah donned a fresh pair of latex gloves then reached across the bed, gently pulling the tape from Kate's eyes. The nurse carefully added the saline drops to each eye, wiped away the excess with a cotton pad and then placed fresh medical tape to secure her eyes closed."And what about the movement? Is that to be expected, too?""I'll get Dr Khan to check in once he arrives, but all her vitals have remained stable-""I didn't imagine it." Castle defended himself against the accusations no one verbalised.Noah smiled as he peeled off his latex gloves and began to wash his hands. "I'm not saying you did, Mr Castle. Kate's neurological function is being
limited, it's not gone."He pulled two sheets of paper towel from the dispenser, dried his hands and tossed the rubbish in the bin."Movement could mean many different things. As I was saying, her vitals have remained stable and therefore there is no reason to be
alarmed
by the movement. However, there is a good chance it was a random body twitch and means absolutely nothing."Noah grabbed two clean gloves from the dispenser and a tub of petroleum jelly from under the nurses' station."I'm sorry," he said as he moved back to the bed. "I know it can be disheartening but I have fourteen hours' worth of monitoring that tells me this woman is a fighter!"Noah worked his fingers into the gloves then scooped a small amount of the petroleum jelly onto his index finger and applied it to Kate's lips."Don't want her lips getting all dried and cracked."Noah held the intubation tube and shifted it slightly so that he could access the covered part of her mouth."Can she feel that?" Castle asked, grimacing. "When you move it does it, like, move inside of her?""We are always careful as we move it," Noah assured him with a soft smile.Castle knew that they had to be sick of his hovering by now, sick of the hundreds of questions he asked. But the hundred questions he
did
ask were only a fraction of the questions that stormed his mind at all times.What is this line for? Why is the monitor beeping?
When is she going to wake up?Can she hear them? Can she feel when he is holding her hand?
When is she going to wake up?"At most, she might feel a gentle tugging sensation in her chest," Noah continued. "But she is heavily medicated right now, Mr. Castle. I assure you, she is in no pain.""Would you know if she was?""I understand your concern. Think about how your body responds when you are in pain: your heart rate, blood pressure and respiratory rates will all increase. Kate is being monitored 24/7. If there is any change indicating that she is feeling even the slightest amount of pain, we will know instantly, and we can adjust her medication accordingly.""I'm sorry I'm being such a nuisance."Noah chuckled. "Not at all, Mr. Castle. I'm happy to answer any questions you may have.""Morning," Nurse Barb greeted as she walked back into the room with the same bright smile and enthusiasm she was sporting yesterday.Castle turned to her, his exhaustion making it difficult to match her cheer."Morning," he mumbled back to her before returning his attention back to Kate.The atmosphere in the room had shifted significantly over the past few hours. Castle had stayed by Kate's side, holding her hand for close to two hours now. He would wait as long as he had to: he knew what he had felt and no one could convince him otherwise.Although, it was important to note that...
no one had.The only voice that had suggested he was wrong was his own, and that self-doubt was not something he was used to.He
hated
it."We've had some muscle spasms this morning," Noah informed Barb, cautiously eyeing Castle as he did. "Dr Khan was informed when he arrived about twenty minutes ago. I'm not sure what his plan is but he will be back as soon as he has completed his first rounds.""Okay, thanks," Barb acknowledged as she approached the nurse's station and began to check the overnight notes. "Any changes?""Nothing major," Noah answered. "The elevated temp lingered after the increased dose of acetaminophen so another set of blood cultures was done, but the temp went down again around 2am and has been stable since.""Oh, that's great news!" Barb beamed.Castle mustered a small smile for her, knowing the enthusiasm was for the benefit of Jim and himself.As Noah finished going over his handover report, updating Barb on the events - or, more accurately, the non-events - of the night, Castle honed his focus on the steady sweep of his thumb along the back of Kate's hand. His movements were long, slow and cautious as he carefully navigated the IV placement."You okay, Rick?"Castle tensed, startled by Jim's sudden presence by his side. He looked around the room: at some point, Noah had left and Dr Khan had returned."I need her to be okay," Castle whispered, unable to catch the thought before it tumbled out of his mouth. "I just want her back."He looked at Jim, who lowered his head and avoided Castle's gaze."Maybe you should take a break," Jim suggested."I'm fine." Castle shook his head. "I'm not leaving.""Okay," Jim conceded quickly, but Castle had a strong suspicion that this conversation would be readdressed in the near future.Castle's focus was drawn to Dr Khan."That's good," the doctor said in regard to Kate's monitoring chart.Castle watched as the man studied the meticulous notes that had been taken in his absence. Deep brown eyes scanned each page and Khan's brow furrowed as he concentrated."Really good," Dr Khan said again.The doctor closed the folder and passed it back to Barb."We'll re-evaluate in-" He held up his left wrist and checked his watch. "Six hours and see how everything is going. If I'm liking what I see and she remains stable overnight, we'll look into tapering tomorrow morning."Khan offered the two men a smile and a curt head nod, then left the room."Tapering?" Jim asked Barb as he moved to the other side of Kate's bed."We hook her back up to the EEG and EKG and we begin to slowly reduce dosages to see how she responds," Barb explained."So, she will come out of the coma?""Unfortunately, it's not that straightforward," she told Jim apologetically. "But it's one step closer."Jim sighed and moved back his seat.Castle empathised with the man. The past 20 hours had been draining, both mentally and physically, and they were both itching for progress,
more
progress. Leaps and bounds, not
one little step
closer.He watched on, feeling utterly useless, as the man leant forward and buried his face in his hands."If you'd like a break...""Not yet," Jim interjected when Castle's confidence dipped and muted his train of thought.Jim lifted his head from his hands and offered his most reassuring smile, but all Castle could focus on was the unmistakable shake, the tremors that Jim just couldn't hide anymore."But you
will... if you need to.""I, um, I have something I need to do tonight. Are you right to stay here with Katie?""Of course.""An old friend is driving up from Baltimore," Jim explained, unprompted. "I just- it's important. I wouldn't leave her if it wasn't.""I understand," Castle assured him.Jim returned to his slumped position; hands framed his face as he stared at the speckled linoleum flooring.The man seemed...
old. Tired and fragile, as if he had aged a decade in just one day.Castle wasn't a mind reader, but he didn't have to be to know that this man was in desperate need of a distraction. He racked his brain for some anecdotal tale that he could tell to alleviate some of the heartache, but everything seemed so bittersweet right now.He looked across the bed to where Barb stood, entering Kate's latest temp reading into the computer, and an idea struck him."You said there was a long story behind the whole...
Barbie
thing.""I did say that," she said as she smiled at the computer screen."Is there a Cliffs Notes version?" He encouraged her to share.She sighed and turned to face Castle. "It's really not an interesting story," she said almost apologetically."I'm sure it's more interesting than sitting here in silence," he countered, trying not to be
too
pushy.Castle's eyes flicked over to Jim again and he noticed that Kate's father had straightened up again, his curiosity piqued by the enquiry.Barb nodded. "That is a fair point."The computer dinged and a reminder popped up on the screen.Barb read the reminder quickly before closing the window off the screen. From the work station, she pulled out the necessary items for Kate's eye and lip care.As she worked, she told the story of how she became
Nurse Barbie."My first year as an ICU intensivist was 2001," she started as she carefully peeled the tape from Kate's eyes. "For several months I was assigned to care solely for one woman. Her husband came in every single day and on weekends he would bring their daughter."Castle felt his heart plummet to his stomach: this place was intimidating enough for adults, he couldn't imagine what it must be like for children."She was five years old," she continued. "Absolutely adorable: a very charismatic little girl. Loved to chat-" She smiled as she reminisced. "One day she came up to me and told me that she knew my secret, she knew that I was Barbie.""How did she come to that conclusion?" Jim asked as he leant forward in his seat.Barb looked over her shoulder to smile at Jim before returning her attention to Kate."She saw the pink scrubs, the blonde hair, blue eyes. When she saw the name on my ID and that just kind of solidified it for her, I guess."When she finished with the eyedrops, Barb exchanged her gloves for a new set and swapped the drops for the petroleum jelly."I was going to explain to her that I wasn't actually Barbie but then she said that knowing that someone as smart as Barbie was looking after her mom made her feel a little less scared and a little less sad. So, obviously I just had to run with it.""Obviously," Castle agreed wholeheartedly, causing Jim to smile and chuckle to himself."I only ever intended to play Barbie for this one little girl," she insisted. "But... we get a lot of kids come through visiting their loved ones: parents, grandparents, older siblings. When they see me walking the corridors, they smile. If I can make this place less scary and confusing, even for just a moment, then why not?"Castle looked down at Kate and slipped his hand from hers. He moved it to rest on her stomach and smoothed his thumb across her hospital gown."Please tell me that little girl got her mother back," he asked softly, unsure if he really wanted to hear the answer.After a second of silence, he forced his eyes away from Kate and looked at Barb.She smiled. "I still receive Christmas cards. Last year's card included an announcement that they had welcomed twins just a month earlier."He let out a heavy breath and his entire body relaxed as a seed of hope rooted itself deep in his chest.
May 25, 2011 (10w)
After having spent the night at home, Jim returned to the hospital bright and early the next morning with a refreshingly positive outlook on things.Whoever Jim had seen last night, whatever they had done or discussed over the ten hours he was free of these hospital walls, Castle was grateful. The man walked into Kate's room with a smile on his face -
an actual smile
- holding two breakfast burgers and, much to Castle's delight, what looked to be an old photo album."Good morning," Jim greeted Castle and the overnight nurse as he dragged his armchair closer to the recliner."Morning," Castle responded with a beaming smile.Jim settled into the armchair and handed Castle one of the burgers. "I thought we could use a little pick-me-up this morning and, well, I know nothing picks me up quite like looking through Katie's old photos.""Jim, you have made my day and it is not even seven am."They flipped through the pages of the photo album as they ate.Carefully, Castle studied each snapshot Kate's childhood: memorising the recurring faces, cherishing each glimpse into the past - the scraped knees, messy faces, toothless grins - and couldn't help but wonder to what extent their child would resemble his (or
her) mother.This little girl with her fluffy, golden-brown hair, big, beautiful hazel eyes and a wicked smile that seemed to scream
I'm up to no good
was exactly the pick-me-up his heart had needed."Thank you," he muttered under his breath, unable to project his voice any further.But Jim had heard him; heard the weariness in his whisper."Take a break, Rick." Jim rested his hand on Castle's shoulder. "Go for a walk, go home, do whatever you have to do - but you need to get out of here for a bit."Four hours.It almost killed him, but he did it.Four hours of
not hospital. And, Jim was right... he did need this.He had showered, checked in on everybody who needed checking in on, gave his daughter a much-needed hug and even managed to swing by the little café Kate usually met her father at for their catchups. She had mentioned that Jim liked the coffee there - it was 'simple', none of that 'fancy crap' - so he grabbed two coffees to go.They, thankfully, were still hot by the time he got back to the hospital. Hot enough that the heat had begun to warm its way through the flimsy cardboard sleeve, burning into his palm. He rushed - as inconspicuously as he could - around the corner and toward Kate's room, knowing that reprieve from the heat was just a few more steps away.As he stepped through the door, however, the relief he had been expecting was ripped from his grasp as he realised he had unintentionally interrupted a conversation between Jim and Josh.Castle let out a slight huff; he'd seen more of Josh in the past two days than he ever did while Kate was actually dating him. Although, he was suddenly very grateful to Kate for her initial secrecy when it came to the relationship. He knows, without a doubt, he wouldn't have been able to handle seeing them together, seeing them happy.Even now, knowing that Kate chose
him, Josh's lingering presence bothered him. He knew that didn't bode well for the possibility of having to co-parent with the man, but he could ignore that for now.Hopefully
it wouldn't come to that."Sorry, was just bringing you this," Castle explained as he held up the cardboard coffee cup.He placed it down on the table by the door and began to back out of the room."You don't have to leave," Josh said."Only two visitors at a time," Castle replied.He knew that Josh more than likely knew the rules, considering he had worked in this hospital for
God knows
how long, but the words stumbled from his mouth before he could stop them."I'm not a visitor, I'm a doctor," Josh clarified. "I don't count."Castle racked his brain for another excuse,
any
excuse, to not have to spend more time than necessary with Josh - especially when that time was spent in an all too confining hospital room - but his mind was blank."Right," he said, conceding, and slowly walked into the room.He picked up Jim's coffee from the table and passed it across to him."Josh was just explaining the DNA testing process," Jim explained as he held up an informational brochure.He moved it toward Castle slightly, an offer for him to read over the information."I'm familiar," Castle said when he held his hand out to decline the offer. "Thanks."He had already read that exact brochure - and a dozen others - while doing his own research. As soon as Kate had said she wanted to get the test done, he spent hours reading through everything he could access on foetal DNA testing.He had learned that - unlike most mammals - human foetuses share one blood supply with their mother, meaning that enough of the baby's DNA is able to be detected in the mother's blood and tested as early as ten weeks.At the time, he had thought that little fact was fascinating.
Awesome, he had muttered to himself.But now, knowing that that shared blood supply was keeping Kate weak, he was really beginning to reconsider just how
awesome
it was."Is blood being drawn today?" he asked Josh.Josh sifted his weight from one foot to the other, his eyes drifted to Jim before settling back on Castle."It's not exactly medically necessary," he said. "And she isn't able to consent to it being done.""Which is where I come in, right?" Jim asked.Josh turned back to face Jim. "As her listed next of kin, yes, you can make the decision on her behalf."Castle saw the uncertainty in Jim's eyes when he looked at him."If it helps, she had an appointment made for Friday to get the test done. She was sure that she wanted it done," Castle assured Jim."It's a simple blood test: non-intrusive," Josh explained. "Kate won't feel a thing and there's no harm to the baby."Jim nodded. "Okay.""Thank you," Josh said earnestly to the man. "I'll get it all sorted. Nurses will bring you paperwork to sign and as soon as that is done we can organise for Castle's sample to be taken."He felt so small and insignificant as he roamed through the corridors of the hospital.So many people, so many stories.And while - in his mind, at least - their story seemed almost tragic, he knew that their troubles were just the tip of a tragedy iceberg compared to some of the memories these walls must have held.Births, illnesses, deaths.This place had been the epicentre for millions of tragic tales: he was barely a blip on Algos's radar.He entered the pathology waiting room. It was small compared to the greatness of the rest of the hospital, only offering a few chairs along the wall for those awaiting their tests.Josh was already there, already seated on the far left chair, hunched over with his elbows digging into his knees. There was a woman on the far right and only three available chairs between them.Castle considered standing. Far away, on the opposite side of the room, but somehow that felt even more awkward. Reluctantly, he took the middle seat, lowering himself slowly into the uncomfortable plastic bucket they were trying to pass off as a chair. He sat upright, awkwardly tucking his elbows into his side so as to not encroach on anyone's personal space.The silence of the room was deafening, the nervous tension palpable, unbearable.He didn't know Josh very well, didn't know if trying to initiate conversation - even an awkward conversation - would be beneficial or not. The last thing he wanted to do was make this situation worse for anyone. But he just couldn't take the silence."Do you, uh, do you know how long these things usually take?" he asked.Josh looked at him like he wasn't quite sure if this was real or not.Josh sighed and straightened up in the chair. "Um, a standard test usually takes a couple of weeks to get the results back. But I called in a few favours. Should hopefully have results in a few days."A quiet "thank you" was all Castle could muster.Just a few more days and they would know for sure.The day that he had been waiting for, for what felt like an eternity, was suddenly hurtling toward them at an alarming speed.He got used to the idea of not knowing. As much as he would love indisputable evidence that this child was his, he knew that the odds weren't exactly in his favour... and that terrified him."This was all I wanted, you know?"Josh's voice broke him from his thoughts and he looked over to the man whose focus didn't stray from the wall in front of them."For Kate and I to be a family. The white picket fence, a child or two, a puppy... the whole package."Josh hung his head, shaking it slowly as his hands moved up to cover his face."I really thought she was the one." His mirthless laugh hit Castle like a freight train. "So stupid."This man wasn't the enemy."She never meant to hurt you," Castle managed to say despite the uncontrollable quiver in his voice.Josh nodded and Castle could see he was fighting hard against showing too much emotion. "I know."It seemed pretty obvious that he wasn't going to just walk away from this if the child was biologically his - not that Castle would have expected him to."For what it's worth..." Castle paused, unsure if his next words would help or just make everything worse. "I'm sorry."He would never be sorry for pursuing Kate: for falling in love, for risking his heart for a chance at a future with her.But he was incredibly sorry for the role he had played in causing this man so much heartache.Right now, he had nothing but empathy for Josh. Right now, they both were so close to having everything they wanted, but in the most twisted way.Josh looked at him. "Yeah, well, for what it's worth-" He inhaled deeply then let it all out in a sharp huff. "I don't blame you.""You don't?""I knew from the start that she was torn, even if she wasn't ready to admit it.""Richard Castle?" a nurse called from behind the receptionist's desk.Castle stood. "That's me.""Thank you so much for your patience," she said with an apologetic smile. "Please, come on through."Dr Kahn was in Kate's room when Castle returned. He slipped in quietly, not wanting to interrupt."We will reassess in the morning.""Thank you, Doctor," Jim said as he settled down into his armchair.Castle didn't need context to know that whatever Kahn had just discussed with Jim, it wasn't what either man had been hoping for.Kahn gave Castle a curt nod as he left the room."What was that about?" Castle asked Jim as soon as they were alone."They, uh, they began to taper her medication," Jim started to explain. He ran his fingers through his hair and let out a heavy sigh. "They eased her off the anaesthetic to monitor her neurological function but they decided she wasn't ready yet and started her on propofol again.""Were you here when they did it?"Jim shook his head. "No, they asked me to leave.""Were you?" Castle asked as he redirected his attention to Barb."I was, yeah.""What went wrong?" he asked her, his voice strangled by his concern. "They said 24 to 48 hours-""Kahn said that she just needs a little more time," Jim reassured him."Recovery isn't always linear, Mr Castle," Barb said, cutting him off before he could spiral too far. "Two steps forward, one step back. It's still a step forward."
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
May 26, 2011 (10w1d)
A distant dream-like echo.Voices. She could hear voices, but they didn't seem real.She tried to focus, tried to home in on the voice but everything was so...
foggy.
Stay with me, Kate. Don't you die on me, Kate, just stay with me.
Lanie. She was crying.The low hum, like electricity, drowned out her friend's voice as her head began to spin. She could hear...
too much, but not enough. An occasional, irregular chime in the distance, an unknown voice that sounded distant and staticky - like it was coming through a speaker - and an incessant
beep, beep, beep...Everything remained dark, her eyelids too heavy to open. She couldn't sense anything around her, there was just darkness, just numbness.Quiet whispers, pained voices. She could hear the sadness as they spoke to her, as they waited for a response.She tried, but she couldn't.
I'm right here, Kate.
It took too much energy, everything she could muster, for a simple twitch of her finger. She tried again, tried for more, but nothing happened.A single tear spilled from behind closed eyelids. She could feel it as it glided, painfully slow, down her cheek. She tried to move, to wipe it away, but her body wouldn't cooperate.Frozen. She felt frozen.
I need you to be okay...
That incessant
beeping
would drive her to the brink of insanity if it didn't stop soon. It was constant, the
only
constant as everything else - every voice, every touch - faded in and out.That
beeping
never stopped.She had no idea how much time had passed. Had it been hours? Days? Time seemed irrelevant.There was just darkness.
Recovery isn't always linear, Mr Castle.
Darkness and numbness.
This woman is a fighter.
The weightlessness of her body faded as she became more aware and she felt herself gradually sinking into the bed.There was a dry discomfort in her throat, a tightness that she didn't recognise and that her mind couldn't explain.She was choking.Her eyes opened to an assault of fluorescent light and that incessant
beeping
quickened, piercing through her brain. A chime echoed from somewhere nearby."Katie?" Jim rasped urgently.She searched for him, but her eyes refused to adjust – he was nothing more than a blurred, barely-recognisable figure.The light, the noise, her father - it was too much, too fast: a sensory overload on top of the choking that had her heart racing.She clawed at her mouth and tried to remove the blockage. Deep in her chest, she felt a gentle tug."Try not to pull on that," instructed an unfamiliar voice.Suddenly, the stranger loomed over her and grasped her wrists, stopping her from removing whatever was stuck in her throat.Choking, she was still choking.And now she was restrained and confused. Panic built in her chest, she didn't understand what was going on.She stared unbelieving at the woman restraining her. She tried to pull away, to wriggle free, but she was too weak, too tired.A man in a white coat rushed into the room. He must be a doctor: a good guy, someone who could be trusted. But trust was foolish. Dangerous. Trust had only ever gotten her hurt."Prep the high flow," he ordered and the woman let go.Kate's eyes filled with tears, further distorting her already blurred vision, as she tried to take in her surroundings.She could hear the doctor as he barked orders to the other people in the room, but she couldn't quite understand what he was saying. His voice was like an echo that seemed to move around the room: unfocussed, despite her efforts."Sir, it might be best if you step outside."And without a single word her father left her.She forced her body to move, jerking in whichever way she could manage.Pain seared through her chest, but she ignored it.She had to get out of here, get away, get somewhere safe.She needed to find Castle.The hands of two blurry figures pressed against her, one on each shoulder, and pushed her back down into the bed. She tried to fight against them, tried to wriggle her way out from their hold but it was useless."Kate." A deep but kind voice echoed through the chaos. "Kate, hi. I'm Doctor Khan. I'm going to need you to take a deep breath in and then exhale. Can you do that for me?"She couldn't, she was choking, she couldn't breathe. Not in. Not out.She shook her head, no, and gagged as she felt the blockage move in her throat. Her hands flew to her mouth, grasping at the tube."If you can do that for me, we can get this tube out for you, okay?"Relief washed over her and she nodded, just enough for Dr Khan to see, but not so much that she risked gagging on it again.She could do this. Inhale, exhale, and the discomfort is gone.The sticky tape pulled her skin as it was peeled away. She blinked and the tears that had pooled in her eyes – the result of fear, pain and gagging – slipped from behind her lashes."You ready, Kate?"Again, she nodded slightly."Breathe in," Khan instructed.She obeyed, drawing in as much air as she could."And breathe out."She had barely exhaled before he was pulling on the tube. She could feel every inch as it scraped its way up her throat.She gagged and coughed as the muscles of her neck, chest and abdomen constricted in response and tears flowed freely down her face.Her chest burned, her head pounded, but she was freed.Her freedom was short-lived as an oxygen mask was immediately placed and held over her nose and mouth. Warm, humid air rushed in, giving her no choice but to breathe it in. It felt suffocating at first, like a warm, wet pillow over her face.She exhaled and felt the discomfort as her chest shrunk.Inhale, exhale. Again and again until, slowly, the flow of air felt a little less smothering.The nurse that held the soft moulded plastic over her mouth secured the elastic band around the back of her head and walked away, leaving just Dr Khan and one other person – a nurse in brightly coloured scrubs – in the room.Her mouth felt bone-dry as she sucked in the air. She pressed her lips together and forced herself to breathe deeply through her nose instead.She inhaled again. Air rushed through her nostrils and filled her lungs, each expanse easing her discomfort.
Exhale...
Her head fell to the side, too heavy for her to hold up anymore, and the world began to fade as her focus dulled.
Inhale...
She tried to fight the fatigue, tried to force her eyes to stay open.Her mind was too fuzzy; her body was too exhausted to fight. She gave up and her eyes closed.
Exhale...
As the room calmed, the
beeping
returned to the foreground.Slow and steady.She focussed on it:
beep...
beep...
beep...
Inhale...
"Vitals are levelling, nothing abnormal in her neuro-function," the nurse said.
Exhale...
"That's good, right?" a more familiar voice responded from where everyone had just exited the room."That means she won't have to be sedated again?" that same voice queried, growing closer.
Inhale...
The
beeping
became erratic again as she opened her eyes and searched the room for him, but her eyes were too bleary from tears, she couldn't focus properly.She opened her mouth to speak his name, but nothing came out.
Exhale...
"I'm here, Kate," Castle said as he stepped up to her bedside and curled his fingers around her hand.With his free hand he brushed his fingers through her hair, soothing her. She leaned into him, into the warmth of his body, and allowed his presence to calm her racing heart, to ease her fears."It's okay, I'm here. I'm not going anywhere."
Inhale...
Her eyelids dropped again."You need your rest. Don't fight it."
Exhale...
And everything faded to black.It happened slowly, and yet all too quickly.Like emerging from a tunnel, the darkness got lighter and lighter as conversely her body grew heavier.Slowly, her eyes flitted open. The light burned her eyes and she had to fight against her own body as her eyes instinctively squeezed shut.She blinked rapidly to clear her vision, but everything remained blurred.Her eyelids were too heavy, she didn't have the energy to keep them open."Kate?"She was disoriented, she didn't know where she was or what was happening, but there was something familiar about that voice.She forced her eyes open again and tried to process her surroundings: the tubes, the machines, the strange faces she couldn't quite make out through double vision.Two men slowly walked toward her: they both had dark hair, solid build.Castle, she tried to say aloud but no sound came out."Kate, do you remember me?" said one of the men.She thought,
what an odd question.Of course she remembered him, why wouldn't she? But as the men took another step closer the two figures merged into one slightly blurred man. She realised she had mistakenly assumed the familiar voice was Castle's."Doctor Khan," he prompted in a soft, encouraging tone. "We met earlier, but I understand if you can't quite recall. It's been an exhausting day for you."She nodded, unable to form any words.
Why couldn't she speak?
She pressed her palms into the mattress either side of her body and tried to reposition herself, but she wasn't strong enough. Her arms gave in under the slightest amount of pressure and she slumped down."Let me help you." She was startled by the voice that came from somewhere just outside of her line of vision.Heart racing, she threw her hand out to the side to stop the figure that was advancing on her and swatted away the hands that reached for her."Easy," Khan warned as he held his hands out signalling to everyone in the room to stay back, to proceed with caution, as if she were some kind of vicious animal. "Let her orientate herself."She reached for the mask that covered the lower part of her face."You're going to want to keep that on," he said with a warm smile.Her fingers lingered on the plastic as she decided whether to heed his advice or not. After a few seconds of unwavering eye contact, she let her hand drop to her stomach and her head dropped back on the pillow.She struggled to keep her eyes open. Fatigue fought her anxiety's desire to keep her awake."She hasn't said anything," the other voice from before said, questioning and concerned.Something was wrong.She
was wrong.It was like her mind wasn't fully connected to her body; each movement was uncoordinated, each thought stayed mute, unvoiced."She will, in time."Her eyes shut and, once again, the world around her faded into darkness.The
beeping
never stopped. It was the only thing anchoring her to reality right now.The only thing that kept bringing her back.She peeled open her eyes. The room - lit only by the soft glow from the monitors that surrounded her - was quiet. She looked around as her eyes adjusted, absorbing as much information as she could in the dim lighting.Shakily, she brought her hands up to her face and touched the thick tube between her top lip and her nose, feeding air into her nostrils. It hurt to breathe, but only a little bit. With each expansion of her chest, she felt an uncomfortable tugging sensation, but it was tolerable.She turned to her right and there was her father, fast asleep in a reclining chair. He looked uncomfortable – his neck was bent at an angle she knew he would pay for later on – but his presence was instantly comforting.A shuffle of papers caught her attention. She slowly turned back to scan the left side of the room. Just a few feet away from her bed she saw a nurse standing at a desk, reading over information on the monitors and writing down notes in a file.The woman looked up and offered a smile."Hey, there," she whispered as she stepped closer. "How are you feeling?""Cas-" Her voice failed her.It was frustrating beyond compare, wanting so desperately to be able to communicate but being physically unable.Exasperated, she sighed. She didn't have the patience for this... this
weakness.But the nurse smiled as if she knew exactly what Kate was trying to say.And
she did.The nurse stepped aside and motioned to the chair in the corner of the room where Castle sat with his head leaning back against the wall, eyes closed but mouth slightly open."He's not long drifted off, but I'm sure he wouldn't mind being woken up."Kate swallowed, an attempt to lubricate her throat a little bit. If anyone was going to wake Castle up, it was going to be her."Ca-" Her voice was rough and raspy, but it was there.She swallowed again, confident that she could do this."Castle."He startled awake and jerked his head all around the room. The second his eyes landed on her he was out of his seat and by her side."Kate," he breathed her name in a sigh of relief as he wrapped his hand around hers.He smiled so brightly as he blinked back tears. The sight broke her heart, but the gentle squeeze of his hand was all she needed to hold it together.He brought his other hand up to her face and brushed his thumb along her hollowed cheek.She could see the whirlwind of questions behind his glassy, ocean eyes but he refrained from bombarding her. She was sure the time would come, but for now she just wanted to hold his hand and gaze into his eyes. When she did that, everything felt alright again."I'll get you some water," he said and began to take a step away from her.She gripped his hand. "No," she choked. "Don't leave me."The rasp of her voice seemed to pain him and she knew that water probably was a good idea, but the thought of him leaving her side right now sent a wave of anxiety through her."I'll get it," Jim offered, now awake, from the recliner.Her father rose slowly with a stifled groan - which only told her that his presence here was doing him more harm than good - and kissed the top of her head before leaving the room.Without letting go of her hand, Castle reached behind him and dragged the chair closer to her bed. He lowered himself into it and leant forward on the edge of her bed."I missed you," he said, and she could tell he was still working hard to hold back tears. "I missed you
so much."He lifted her hand and pressed his lips to her knuckles, again and again."I love you," he whispered into the palm of her hand before resting his cheek in it.She traced her fingertips across his cheek and smiled."Love you."The words came out as a broken whisper, more
mouthed
than
actually spoken, but their flawed projection didn't diminish their meaning.Jim re-entered the room holding a bottle of water and a straw. As he approached the bed, he cracked open the bottle and slipped the straw in.The nurse adjusted Kate's bed, sitting her upright, and Jim held the water close enough for Kate to sip.As the cool water spread through her mouth and remedied the dryness, her eyes fluttered closed and a moan escaped."Does it hurt at all?" Jim asked after she swallowed.She shook her head. "No," she answered.Her brow creased as she remembered the fire she had felt in her chest. It was gone now, but the memory was vivid.She smoothed her palm over her chest and felt a sharp sting that she was sure she had imagined, considering how numb she felt everywhere else."You're on pretty hectic pain meds, so you shouldn't feel too much," Castle explained as if he knew exactly what she was thinking."What happened?" she croaked.She winced at how rough her voice sounded. If her throat was
half
as sore as it sounded, then she must have been on some good meds because she could barely feel a thing.Castle looked at her, concern creasing his brow. "You- you don't remember?"She shook her head slowly as she tried to recall...
anything. She looked over to the nurse who was waiting - very patiently - and seemed to be very intent on hearing what Kate had to say."Not... not really," she admitted. "I just- I don't know. Everything-" She swallowed, her throat was so dry. "-everything is kind of fuzzy."Castle turned his head toward the nurse, but his eyes lingered on Kate."Is that normal?" he asked as his eyes finally darted toward the person he was actually addressing."You're coming off a lot of medications," the nurse explained to Kate. "You lost a lot of blood. It's going to take several weeks for your haemoglobin levels to restore themselves properly. It's perfectly understandable to feel a little fuzzy and tired. There is a chance you're going to feel pretty lethargic for a little while."Kate nodded, but repeated the words over in her mind to ensure she was processing them properly.
Haemoglobin levels...
That seemed to prompt something within her subconscious, trigger a memory that wasn't quite clear to her yet.
Haemoglobin levels...
Iron infusion...
Oh, God...
Kate's body stiffened and she drew in a sharp breath. She turned to Castle, wide-eyed."The baby-?"She didn't even want to finish that sentence.But he smiled. Nothing in this world could have been more reassuring than his smile."They are continuing to monitor but-" He let out a joyful sigh of relief. "The baby is fine."It was nothing short of a miracle but somehow, they were both fine.
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
May 27, 2011 (10w2d)
He knew the worst was over. Well, the worst
for him
at least.No more sitting, waiting, wondering when she would wake up.No more long stints of deafening silence.No more staring at the wall cursing himself for all the things he could have done, but
didn't.She had come back to them and finally, they could breathe again.But Kate's consciousness would come with its own challenges, they all knew that.She was exhausted, she was struggling, and - in true Kate Beckett form - she was too stubborn to do anything but suffer through it in silence.The hospital's physiotherapist had shown her no mercy, pulling her from her bed and forcing her to walk laps of her room as she clung to the rolling IV pole as if her life depended on it.Okay, maybe that wasn't a completely objective take on the situation, but still, the man could have gone a little easier on her considering she was in a coma
just yesterday.She had insisted she was fine, but the permanent grimace on her face as she -
very slowly
- took each small step was more than enough to convince Castle otherwise.Her father had been banished from the premises for failing to hide his concern.I don't need your pity, she had growled at him when he offered his hand for support. Thankfully, he knew better than to argue and, when she grumbled her insistence that he
go get a coffee or something, he gracefully took his leave.As Jim left she glared at Castle, almost daring him to comment. He wasn't stupid; his mouth stayed shut.Once Doctor 'No Mercy' was satisfied, he helped Kate back into bed and Barb began the process of 'settling' her. She removed the bag of IV fluids from the rolling pole and hooked it onto the pole that was fixed to the head of Kate's hospital bed."He's helping, Castle," Kate stated calmly once the physiotherapist left the room.Her voice was hoarse and laced with fatigue. Her words came out in a breathless whisper, but he could tell she was feeling like she had achieved something. There was a positivity in the air; a light that he had no intention of dimming."If I'm going to get better, I need to put in the work," she reminded him as she looked up at him through fluttering lashes caused by too-heavy eyelids."I know." He smiled as he ignored the
but...
that was forming. "I just don't want you to push yourself too hard, you know?"He stepped toward the bed and took her hand in his."I'm okay," she assured him.Her eyes drooped as he combed his fingers through her hair but Barb's soft voice beckoned her and kept her from succumbing so easily."I'm just going to swap you back over to the wall oxygen supply," the nurse explained once she had Kate's attention. "Ready?"Kate nodded, closed her eyes and began to take slow, deep breaths.Ten seconds was all it took. Ten seconds, maybe even less, for Barb to disconnect the portable oxygen tank and reconnect Kate's nasal cannula to the wall supply. But ten seconds was enough.Castle watched the monitor as the little white number - a visual representation of her oxygen levels - began to drop.96... 94... 92.They returned to a more acceptable level just seconds later, but not before triggering the monitor's alarm.Barb was quick to silence it. "Just ignore that," she said with a reassuring smile. "It's a bit sensitive."He could see the frustration on Kate's face, the internal battle she was fighting as she walked the delicate line between accepting that she wasn't well - and adjusting her expectations accordingly - and pushing herself to the absolute limit as she had done so many times before in the name of
progression. The next few months - at the very least - was going to be hell for everyone involved, of that he was sure.Soft vibrations from his phone rippled through his thigh, alerting him to an incoming phone call. He pulled the device from his pocket to cut off the call. He could call whoever it was back later but he saw that the call was from a private number."Excuse me for just a moment."He walked out of the room but before he could answer the call, he heard a familiar voice."Yo, Castle," Esposito called out as he and Ryan approached."Hey, guys.""Hey," Ryan greeted as he peeked over Castle's shoulder toward the glass-walled room. "How is she?""She, uh-" Castle looked down to the phone in his hand: it had stopped ringing. "Can this wait?" he asked as he turned back to the boys."We have to talk to her, Castle," Ryan said; apologetic, but firm. "You know that.""I d- I understand that," Castle assured as he looked over his shoulder to check on Kate. "She's exhausted.""We need to find out if she knows anything. Maybe she saw something?" Esposito suggested."She didn't." Castle's insistence was met by two frustrated sighs. "She's foggy from all the medication. Even if she had seen something, she doesn't remember it.""It's been days and we have
nothing," Ryan said bluntly. "We have to at least try."Castle sighed. He knew he didn't have much choice in this - the man who had tried to kill Kate was still out there somewhere. It was easy enough to pretend they were safe in the confines of the ICU, but she would be moved from this little glass box soon enough.Realistically, he couldn't protect her from the unknown. Even if he could, she wouldn't run from this."If
she agrees," he said, conceding.He took a step back and held the door open for the boys to enter Kate's room. He watched their feet as they crossed the threshold, as the outside world penetrated their little illusion of safety."Lookin' good, Beckett," Esposito remarked with unprecedented cheer.Castle almost scolded him, but when he looked over to see Kate's bright, smiling response, he realised that maybe a little light-hearted banter was exactly what she needed right now.Too bad that wasn't what she was going to get."You feeling up to answering a few questions?" Ryan asked as he tapped his notebook to his palm."Detectives," Barb greeted with a smile. "Ms Beckett has had a
big
morning-""It's okay," Kate interrupted with a weak smile. "I feel okay.""If you're sure...""I am," Kate reassured her nurse. "Thank you."Barb moved to the nurse's station and began to enter the latest data reads into the computer, giving the group as much privacy as possible.Kate smiled at the boys. Their emotions were on full display, evident in their glazed eyes and bittersweet smiles."Hey," she finally greeted them."It's good to see you," Ryan said genuinely.In true
cop form
- never let a sentimental moment pass without an ill-timed or mildly inappropriate joke - and with a beaming smile, he added: "Espo's a liar though, you look like hell."She laughed and covered her face."Hey now," she said slowly, trying not to show just how poorly she truly felt. "Don't make me have to kick your ass.""You know she can do it, bro," Esposito added with a chuckle.He looked over to Castle, who didn't seem amused."You know we're just messing around," he assured the writer."Oh, yeah, I know," Castle confirmed with a smile. "I was just thinking: if
I
had been the one to say that I would probably have the nearest sharp object protruding from body right now.""Oh, shush," Kate groaned as she swatted her hand against his stomach."See what I mean?" he said pointing to where she had 'hit' him.Kate shook her head and rolled her eyes, but it felt good to fall back into this dynamic so easily.She pressed her palms against the mattress on either side of her body and shifted herself up the bed so that she was sitting more upright. At that moment, as if to remind her not to feel too confident in her strength, her stitches from surgery pulled. As she grimaced and sucked in a breath through gritted teeth, she accidentally inhaled her saliva.Kate squeezed her eyes closed and ignored the discomfort in her throat, chest and abdomen as she began to cough violently. She took a stilted breath in before coughing again and again until after a long, uncomfortable minute, she was able to stop the pulsing in her diaphragm."Karma?" Castle joked with a nonchalant shrug.She laughed, appreciating his efforts to not make this a bigger deal than necessary."Shut up," she groaned as she unsuccessfully swallowed down the feeling of needing to cough again.Castle grabbed the water bottle from the side table and unscrewed the lid before holding it out for her to take once the coughing fit had passed.Just as she managed to regain control the monitor alarm began to go off. She rolled her eyes as she took a sip of water."Sorry," Barb chimed as she walked over and silenced the machine."It's a little sensitive," Kate and Castle recited in unison.The pair exchanged an amused glance as Barb chuckled softly as she returned to her corner of the room.Kate took another sip of water then handed the bottle back to Castle."You have questions for me?" she asked as she returned her focus to the boys."Right. Yes, uh-" Ryan flipped open his notebook and pulled the pen from his breast pocket. "Well, you know how this goes. Just… just tell us what you remember."Kate inhaled deeply, exhaled slowly. "Not a lot, sorry. I, uh… I remember…"She closed her eyes and tried to visualise the scene: the clear blue sky and gentle spring breeze; the crowd of mourners that tried to stifle their cries; the angelic sounds of the choir singing.Her hands balled into fists as she remembered her nervous grip of the podium as she spoke."The eulogy," she said as she opened her eyes. "I remember speaking. And then..."She swallowed the dry lump that had formed in her throat. Her mouth felt bone-dry, her tongue like sandpaper as it darted out to wet her lips, unsuccessfully."And then I turned around, I shouldn't have." She swallowed audibly. "The only thing I remember is Castle."Castle picked up the bottle of water by her bed and held it out for her to sip from the straw.She held her hand out and shook her head, but he wouldn't take no for an answer."Drink," he ordered; gentle, but firm. Anyone else and she probably would have put up more of a fight."Do you remember seeing anyone hanging around? Anyone that you didn't recognise?" Ryan asked her."I mean, plenty of people," she answered with a shrug. "I don't know everyone that Montgomery encountered during his life.""Anyone that seemed out of place," Esposito reworded. "Did you notice anyone that seemed upset, agitated or nervous?"Castle's brow furrowed and he looked toward the boys. "It was
a funeral, everyone was upset."Esposito shot Castle an exasperated look. "More upset than you would expect, maybe?" he asked pointedly."How do you measure someone's grief at a time like that?" Castle argued. "Oh, I'm sorry ma'am but you seem
too sad, are you planning on shooting someone?"Kate placed her hand on Castle's forearm. "Castle-""Castle, you know that's not what he meant," Ryan defended."You know this process, bro," Esposito fired back at Castle. "You've been here, done this a hundred times before.""Ask the stupid questions, the questions that seem pointless. Go over the story again and again. Eventually some new detail is uncovered," Ryan reminded him. "That's what we need right now: some detail that gives us...
something!"Kate sat, stuck in her silence, as the bickering voices faded into nothingness, replaced by the
thud
of her rapidly beating heart and the
whoosh
of blood rushing through her ears. She recognised this: the feeling of disconnect from reality, the
out of body
sensation from that day in the park when she was waiting for her father.Her tongue darted out of her mouth. It felt like sandpaper as it dragged slowly against her lips, ineffective in its quest to moisten them.Kate placed her hand over her chest. She felt the uneven rise and fall as each breath she took felt futile.The incessant
beep, beep, beep
that had provided mind-numbing background noise grew faster and faster, louder and louder as it fought its way through the cacophony of noise that overwhelmed her.Her head spun. It was both weightless and somehow too heavy as the beat of her heart climbed to her throat: constricting and nauseating."Castle," she gasped as she tightened her grasp on his forearm, fingernails pressed to his skin in a way that would undoubtedly leave crescent-shaped markings.All other noise was suddenly drowned out by the blaring of the monitor's alarm."I'm sorry, detectives, but you need to leave," Barb stated firmly.Kate closed her eyes and focused on slowing each breath.She had managed to pull herself from her panic that day in the park, she was sure that she could do it again.Kate had hit a wall: the absolute limit of what she could deal with right now. The physical setbacks had been discouraging, of course. But with Castle's constant sprinkling of cheer and enthusiasm, and his insistence that she is, was and always will be a total
badass, she found a way to push through the torturous onslaught of tests, exercises and therapies.But as she tried to regain her physical strength, her mind grew weary. Exhaustion was her kryptonite: it made it impossible to keep pretending.She had never felt so hopeless. Her body wasn't her own (not the one she was used to, anyway) and her mind was a dangerous jungle she couldn't quite navigate."Your mental and emotional recovery is
just as
important as your physical recovery," Dr Khan urged. "You've been through quite the ordeal, Kate. Anxiety and depression is common."Her eyes rolled of their own accord. She had been humiliated by her breakdown that morning, by the complete lack of control she had right now even hours later.A panic attack, brought on by the boys -
her boys
- bickering in a way that was not at all unusual for them.And now she was being lectured by someone who was practically a stranger about the importance of prioritising her mental health. She couldn't
breathe
unassisted, couldn't take herself to the bathroom or shower herself. She was completely dependent on others to complete even simple tasks. Surely, fixing that was of higher importance.Judging by the looks of unadulterated agreement on her father's and boyfriend's faces, however, apparently it wasn't."It is to be expected, even." Dr Khan continued his spiel, but he wasn't saying anything she didn't already know. "You have a lot to process: the incident, the severity of these past few days and the long journey you have ahead of you.""It's okay to be overwhelmed by it all," Jim added.She looked at her father, trying hard not to shoot an angry glare his way but couldn't quite hide her displeasure."Add first trimester pregnancy hormones to the mix and you're bound to feel..." Dr Khan trailed off as he tried to find the right words."Like the world is spinning just a little bit too fast?" she suggested.Dr Khan sighed. "Yeah. Just like that.""Well…" Kate looked down at her hands and picked at her fingernail anxiously. "That's good to know, I guess.""We can organise for a psychologist to visit-""No," she interrupted, shaking her head."Kate..."She rolled her head in Castle's direction, her eyes warning him that this wasn't up for debate."It might help," he urged.She sighed. "I, uh… I started seeing a psych recently. I'd rather talk to him, if I could.""Of course," Dr Khan said with a smile. "If you're happy to share his details we can see if he is available to come here.""Okay, yeah. Uh, Doctor Burke. I have his number in my phone. I…" She looked to Castle when she realised she didn't actually know where her phone was.Castle shook his head. "I don't have it, sorry.""Oh!" They heard from the corner of the room.Barb reached into the drawer underneath the nurse's station and pulled out a patient property bag."Here you go," she said as she passed the bag to Kate. "This should contain any personal belongings that were removed when you were brought in.""Thank you." Kate smiled and accepted the bag from the nurse.She fumbled slightly as she pulled at the seal but managed to open the bag easily enough. She tipped the contents onto the bed. Heavier items fell first: her phone, her father's wrist watch, her uniform pins and her mother's ring followed by a single white cotton glove speckled by a deep crimson stains.Her breath caught in her throat and her chest felt like it was on fire.
Kate?
Beckett's down!
Stay with me, Kate.
She closed her eyes and forced the memories away."Kate?" Castle asked. His hand on her shoulder anchored her to reality."I need a minute," she whispered between slow, measured breaths.Castle rubbed his hand down her arm, smoothing the creases in her hospital gown. "Take your time."He reached across her lap and picked up her phone."Do you mind?" he asked her.She opened her eyes then shook her head. With her consent, Castle attempted to access her phone."Battery's flat," he grumbled.He pulled his own phone from his pocket and opened the internet browser."Doctor Burke, PhD. New York City."He spoke slowly, enunciating each syllable as he typed them into the search bar."Here it is," he said once he found what he was after.He read the number aloud and Dr Khan jotted it down in his binder."Thank you, I'll go get this sorted now." Dr Khan turned to Barb. "Page me when she is ready for transfer.""Of course," she replied with a smile.Castle slipped Kate's phone into his pocket then grabbed the property bag from where it had been discarded on the bed and began to pack away her personal items."I'm sorry," Kate uttered as she watched him tuck the soiled glove into the bag. "I... I don't know what happened."Castle placed the bag onto the armchair behind him -
out of sight, out of mind
- and moved back to Kate's side."It's okay," he assured her as he tucked her hair behind her ear."I
hate
this.""I know."A heavy silence settled over the room for a long moment. He could see it in her eyes - in the way they carefully avoided his: negativity was clouding the bigger picture. She was focussing so hard on the smaller setbacks, on the things that she was struggling to control, that it was clouding her vision, obscuring the end goal and making it seem further than it really was."You're not weak, Kate," Castle reminded her.She scoffed. "Walking from one side of the room to the other exhausted me," she stated, contradicting him."You're alive.""I'm completely dependant on everyone around me."She wanted a pity party, but he wasn't going to throw her one."You should not have survived," he stated bluntly, as emotionlessly as he could manage.But she heard the slight break in his voice, saw the crack in his mask."But you did," he continued. "You fought to be here."She hung her head and cradled the barely-there bump in her abdomen; a silent acknowledgement of the words she didn't have to say.She had something worth fighting for.He slipped his hand over hers and intertwined their fingers."What if something is wrong?" she asked, hesitant."They've been monitoring closely and, so far, there's been no indication that anything is wrong," he assured her.She turned her head to him and looked up into his bright, blue eyes."That doesn't guarantee that the baby is healthy." She whispered the reminder.He leaned closer, cupping her face with his free hand. His thumb glided across her cheek as he rested his forehead against hers and closed his eyes.She closed her eyes, too, and basked in the closeness, the comfort.Each second that passed seemed to build her back up, fill her with life, with hope."That's never guaranteed, Kate," he whispered, the warmth of his breath lingering between them. "But whatever happens, we can deal with it.
Together."She felt him move; the firm press of his forehead replaced by the gentle brush of his lips against her hairline.When he pulled back she looked up at him with tear-filled eyes. They weren't tears of sadness, or even tears of fear; they were of love, and trust, and optimism.She swallowed the lump forming in her throat and smiled. "I love you.""I love you, too."Kate's face was relaxed, peaceful, unmarred by the stress and the pain that she couldn't hide from while awake.Sleep had come easily enough; once she stopped fighting it, that was. Her stubbornness, though a formidable opponent, simply could not contend with her exhaustion.He brushed her hair from her face, his touch faint and barely-there, as he looked at her with nothing but adoration."Good evening, Dr Davidson," Barb greeted, announcing the man's presence.Castle looked away from Kate and saw Josh lingering awkwardly by the entrance."Hi. Is everything okay?" he asked, his voice hushed as to not wake Kate.Josh stepped into the room warily. "Yeah, uh-"His eyes drifted to Kate and soaked in the sight of her improvement: fewer wires and leads; brushed hair; and a subtle pink colouring in her cheeks from the warmth of the room. The doctor smiled, but quickly schooled his expression."How is she?" he asked as he turned his attention back to Castle."She's getting there," he answered truthfully. "Frustrated by what
she
thinks is a lack of progress."Josh chuckled. "Sounds like her."Castle watched and waited patiently for Josh to get to the reason for his visit."The DNA has been processed," he informed Castle. "Results will be sent out soon. I just thought I'd keep you in the loop.""I appreciate that." Castle looked at Kate, letting her peacefulness calm his nerves before turning back to Josh. "How soon?""Tomorrow, maybe the day after," Josh said as he shrugged. "Why?""I haven't told her yet," Castle confessed. "She's had a lot going on and she hadn't mentioned it-""I thought you said this was what she wanted," Josh interrupted."It was. It
is," Castle reassured him. "She's just… she's still processing everything.""Look, I get that and I respect that you don't want to push her too far but-" Josh stopped and took a breath. "I
need
to know."Castle understood, he really did. While the paternity results didn't necessarily change anything for him, they changed
everything
for Josh. So, yes, he could definitely understand the man's sense of urgency.But even though the results didn't change how he felt about Kate, didn't change what he wanted for their future, he could still see the benefit in knowing sooner rather than later."I put the request through privately and in Kate's name," Josh continued. "As the referring doctor I'll receive notification once the report is sent to her, but I don't have access to the results. I... I won't push this if she's not ready for it but if you could at least try to encourage-""Of course," Castle assured him. "I'll talk to her. As soon as she knows, you'll know.""Thank you."
May 28, 2011 (10w3d)
Castle rose with the sun...That is, if the sun were a harsh fluorescent tube light and
rose
meant to jolt awake to the dreaded sound of Kate's monitor alarm."If that thing was a person, I think I might actually strangle it," he grumbled as he got to his feet and stretched his back.Kate giggled and the sound eradicated any actual feelings of resentment he held toward the medical equipment."You're
chipper
this morning," he commented with a smile."I'm being transferred out of here," she explained as she watched Barb alter the settings of her monitor."We still have a few ends to tie up here," Barb reminded her. She turned to Castle and smiled. "But she should be in her own room within the hour.""Perfect," Castle cheered.Kate turned her focus away from Barb, her steely gaze fixed to Castle."Apparently the ward is full so I am being placed in a private room," she said with a hint of doubt in her tone.Castle shrugged. "Talk about luck!""I don't need a private room, Castle," she insisted."I have no idea what you're talking about," he said.His eyes flickered to Barb who had pursed her lips to stop herself from smiling, then back to Kate."Don't worry about it," he reassured, conceding that she obviously knew he had arranged the room.He knew that she wouldn't have minded having to share a room, but he couldn't help himself. Not only did a private room offer them more, well...
privacy, but it gave him peace of mind knowing that there wouldn't be strangers in such close proximity to her. He had a feeling that vetting other patients' visitors as they come and go throughout the day could be classed as a freedom violation, so why not bypass that situation altogether? It's not that he didn't trust the uniforms that were stationed in the hallway, but given how all this started he would rather be safe than sorry.He looked at the tray of food that sat on the overbed table, practically untouched: toast, scrambled eggs and an apple that had one small bite taken out of it."You didn't eat much breakfast," he commented and frowned."Not really hungry." She pulled the table closer and poked at the egg with her fork before pushing it away again. "And it's not all that appealing."Her lack of appetite, despite being expected and perfectly reasonable, concerned him.She crossed her arms over her torso and gave him a weak smile."Are you feeling okay?""I'm fine, Castle.""A nurse is bringing a nutrition pack," Barb informed him. "The nasal cannula will be kept in while she's weaned off most of her medications, just to be safe."He sighed. "Will the weaning knock her around a bit?""There is always risk of withdrawal," Barb admitted. "That is why we do it gradually.""They've already gone over everything with me, Castle. Tired, achy, nauseous: nothing I can't handle
and
that's only if I react, I might not feel any difference."Castle's phone chimed and he pulled it from his pocket."Everything okay?" Kate asked as he stared at the small screen in his hands."Uh, yeah," he said distracted as he typed. He stopped and focussed on her. "Just Lanie checking in. She's asked me to let her know when you're feeling well enough for a visitor."Kate smiled. "I'd like to see Lanie. I just, I'm so tired.""That's fine, there's no rush. Just let me know when you're feeling up to it.""Maybe tomorrow?" she suggested.He leant forward, cupped her face and placed a kiss to her forehead. "Don't rush, everyone understands.""Morning," Jim greeted as he entered the room, two coffees in hand.Castle straightened up and took a step backward as he suddenly flashed back to the fifth grade when he got busted trying to kiss Becca Johnson.Jim barely tried to contain his smirk as he passed one of the coffees to Castle."How are you feeling this morning, Katie?" he asked as he took his seat by the foot of her bed."Hmm, like I could really use one of those," she joked as she nodded to the coffee in her father's hands.Jim chuckled. "Well, the second you can actually stomach it, I'll get you all the coffee you could ever dream of," he promised."Deal," she said, then turned to Castle. "You might be out of a job for a while, sorry.""Oh, that's all I'm good for? Bringing you coffee?""Most days." She smirked."Rude." He scoffed at her theatrically as he backed himself against the wall. "I'm just going to stand here and drink this delicious coffee that I am allowed to have."He brought the cup to his lips, took a long sip and swallowed loudly."Ahh, so good," he teased. "How's your water, Beckett?"She narrowed her eyes at him, but the smile never left her face. "Just wait until I'm not hooked up to these machines anymore," she threatened.Jim chuckled at their playfulness; his seemingly light mood caught Kate's attention."How was your night?" she asked, hoping his answer would be helpful in easing the guilt for his banishment yesterday."It was nice," he said, his gaze fixed on the cup in his hands. "Quiet.""Is your friend still in town?" Castle asked before blowing on his coffee, too distracted by the swirl of steam in the air to notice both Becketts staring at him."Friend?" Kate asked as she turned her attention back to her father.Jim peeled his eyes from Castle and set them on his daughter. He smiled at the curiosity in her eyes, relishing in the fact that she hadn't yet been burdened by her usual sense of responsibility for his wellbeing. For the first time in years it seemed that she had faith in him, in his strength and will power. The last thing he wanted to do was ruin that for her; but he wasn't about to start lying to her now."Do you remember Ed Astor?"Jim's heart sank to the pit of his stomach as Kate's smile faded and the curiosity in her eyes was replaced so quickly with concern."Dad-""I'm fine, Katie," he reassured with a smile."Don't just humour me," she warned. "If you're not coping-""I promise you, I am fine." He rose from his seat, stepped up to her side and placed his hand over hers. "I called him while you were in surgery. I sat for hours just staring at the wall. I needed... something. Ed talked me through a low point but his being here in the city is as a friend, not as my sponsor. I've stayed in control this time, I promise you that."He felt her hand move from under his and for a brief moment he thought she was pulling away, that maybe she couldn't allow herself to believe him after past experiences. But she wrapped her fingers around his and squeezed gently, smiling softly."I'm glad you reached out to him," she said.She kept her voice void of too much emotion, but he could tell this revelation had left a heaviness in her that wasn't there just moments ago."I won't go back to that place, Katie. I don't ever want to put you through that again."She nodded slowly. "I believe you."Castle walked back and forth by the end of the bed, making the most of the spacious room she had been moved to.Quiet, light and airy, a private bathroom and a large floor-to-wall window that looked out onto the city: as far as hospital rooms went, this one was pretty nice.A knock on the door drew his attention. The door opened slowly and a short, older lady in a maroon polo shirt with a white apron and her hair tucked into a hairnet carried a tray of food and placed it on the overbed table."Katherine Beckett?" she asked, reading from the piece of paper she held."Yes," Castle confirmed."Date of birth?""November 17, 1979.""Bon appétit.""Thank you," Castle said, smiling, as she left.His phone began to ring and he pulled it from his pocket to silence it before he accidentally woke Kate. He looked at the screen:
private number.He tapped the green phone icon to answer the call."Hello?" he said, hushed."Mr. Castle." A voice he did not recognise greeted him from the other end of the line."Yeah.""I'm a friend of Roy Montgomery," the mystery man said. "I'm calling about Detective Beckett."Castle looked over to Kate as she napped soundly.Something about this didn't feel right, didn't feel safe."We need to talk."Roy had turned out to be a part of the conspiracy; how was he to know that this
friend
wasn't a part of it, too?How was he to know that this
friend
wasn't the man who had tried to kill Kate?He watched as her brow furrowed, the rapid twitching a sure sign of the beginnings of a bad dream. He wished he could protect her from the memories, from the fear and uncertainty that seeped into her dreamland; slow and poisonous.He would do anything he could to protect her."I'm listening."
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
May 29, 2011 (10w4d)
Pain split through her skull from right behind her eyes, deep into the centre of her brain.She squeezed her eyes shut and pinched the bridge of her nose, hung her head low and focused on each slow breath in and out.The steady
beep, beep, beep
that refused to fade into the background became the target of her frustrations as she leant against the side rail of her bed to reach for the monitor."Woah, Kate!" Castle rushed toward her. "What are you doing?""I just need this thing to
shut up
for one minute!"Her voice was shaky; a mix of anger and fear that penetrated deep into Castle's core and made him wonder if he was doing the right thing. Maybe he shouldn't have said anything, shouldn't have mentioned the phone call from Roy's mysterious 'friend'. Maybe it was too soon, maybe she was still too fragile, but he saw this as their way out and he couldn't let that opportunity pass.He reached for her hand, but she pulled away from him.Kate was angry; he understood. That didn't mean it didn't hurt."I've got it," he said softly as he silenced the machine.Just a few minutes, he told himself. A few minutes of silence might be exactly what they both needed."Thank you," she muttered reluctantly.She looked down at her hands in her lap and began to anxiously pick at her nails. She wished that this miracle proposition didn't seem too good to be true, that she could trust in it as easily as Castle seemed to.She just couldn't ignore the alarm bells in her mind that told her this was a trap."What are you thinking?" he asked after a moment's silence.She looked up to meet his eyes: tired, blue eyes that held so much sadness and so much worry.Guilt twinged in her chest as memories of the carefree man she met just a few short years ago danced in the back of her mind. In this moment she wished he was still that man: unburdened by the complications of
her, life of the party and full of wonder.As she looked into his eyes she saw, for the first time, just how much he had aged in their few short years together. That was no coincidence.She sighed. "You don't wanna know, Castle.""I wouldn't have asked if I didn't want to know," he tried to assure her, but she could hear the uncertainty in his voice.She remained silent, her eyes falling back to her fidgeting hands."You can tell me anything, Kate. You know that." He stepped back toward the foot of the bed and sat by her feet, placing his hand over her blanket-covered shin. "Smith's offer is a lot to process. I'm not expecting you to be one hundred percent onboard-""How do you know he isn't a part of this?" she interrupted. "How do you know he isn't the one who shot me?""I don't," he admitted. "But I feel like that's a risk worth taking."She shook her head. "That's not
your
decision to make.""Why do you think we're having this discussion?" he asked angrily. "I'm not trying to take the choice from you, I'm just... I'm asking you to remember what is at risk.""I know what's at risk!" she defended herself, angered by the insinuation.His eyes crossed to the monitor to check her vitals."Look at
me, Castle," she ordered.He peeled his eyes from the monitor and focused on her: on the crease in her brow from narrowed eyes, on the laser focus of her eyes on him."You come to me, telling me that there is evidence -
solid, irrefutable evidence
- against the man behind my mother's murder and you expect me to just be
okay
with walking away?"He didn't miss a beat as he answered. "Yes.""It's not that easy.""It really is," he argued, defiant in his position. "You
will
die. You're a sitting duck."She rolled her eyes despite –
begrudgingly
- agreeing. Soon enough she wouldn't be protected by these hospital walls, and she had no idea what she was going to do then."I mean it, Kate. The boys have nothing: not a single lead on who shot you. He is still out there and I'm going to assume, given that you're still alive, he hasn't received whatever pay-out he was getting for this. He wants his money, Kate, that's all this is to him and to get that
you have to die. You can't live your life on alert 24/7 and even if you could, your paranoia can't save you from another bullet."His words were like a wrecking ball to her poorly constructed façade. The gravity of the situation weighed heavy on her, the truth too painful to bear right now. She wanted nothing more than to hide away in her fortress of denial, but he didn't back down."Even if this deal is just a way for them to get your guard down... agreeing to this isn't putting you at any more of a disadvantage."Her eyes fixed to his as silence filled the space between them. She knew that he was right, that taking this deal couldn't disadvantage them in any way but that didn't make it any easier.As her emotions rushed to the surface, she forced her eyes away and stared at his hand that had crept its way closer to her thigh."Kate?" He tried to coax her from her thoughts after a minute's silence."Do you remember the night we met?" she responded, still focussed on their only point of contact.He cocked his head, confused by the apparent shift in conversation. "Of course.""Do you ever miss that life?" she wondered aloud. "The parties and book tours, none of this...
mess."He sighed, knowing exactly where this was headed:
you're better off without me.He shook his head, ready to disperse any thoughts she had that she may have -
in any way
- ruined his life."That life was miserable, Kate."She looked at him, surprised by his confession, but she saw nothing but truth in his eyes."The night we met... I was at my absolute lowest. I had no purpose, no inspiration."He looked down, focussing on the same patch of cotton blanket that had Kate so transfixed just moments ago as he thought back to a time in his life he had hoped to never revisit."Forgive me. The writer in me is showing, but-" He took a deep breath. "It was like I was lost at sea and you were this beacon of light. A tall,
beautiful
lighthouse. This - the precinct, the boys,
Nikki... everything that I have gained
because
I met you - is dry land. Sure, there's a whole new set of challenges to face but
I'm not drowning
anymore, Kate."She swallowed the dry lump in her throat. He had never told her, or even so much as let on that he had been in such a bad place back then. She had always assumed that their partnership had pulled him away from a place of happiness, of safety and simplicity."But if I lose you-" His voice cracked and tears flooded his eyes.She blinked back her own tears, leant forward and placed her hand over his. She was still hesitant, uncertain that she had the strength it would take to walk away. But one thing she did know was that her choices weren't solely hers anymore; they hadn't been for months now. Every decision she made, in one way or another, affected Castle, too. Slowly, the individual paths of their lives had merged into one; a shared journey."Okay.""O-okay?"She took a shaky breath in and nodded slightly.It wouldn't be easy, but she could do this for
him. For them, their future, their child."I'm done," she clarified. "I'll leave my mom's case alone."His shoulders slumped as all tension left his body in a heavy sigh. He lurched to his feet and took a purposeful step closer to cup her face with both hands.He pressed his lips to hers for just one short moment before resting his forehead against hers."Thank you," he whispered earnestly, an acknowledgement of what she was giving up for their future.But they both knew that for all she was giving up, she was gaining more tenfold.The envelope in her hands seemed so...
wrong.This was it. The contents of this envelope held the power to change everything, but from the outside it looked insignificant, no different to any other trivial piece of mail. Maybe she had expected it to be bigger, or heavier, she wasn't quite sure."Are you sure you're ready for this?" Castle asked from the far side of the room.As soon as the nurse had brought the results in, he had begun to slowly back himself against the wall, as if he needed its sturdiness to keep himself upright.The newfound distance between them was unsettling -
ominous. She wished he was right by her side, close enough that she could feel his presence even with her eyes closed, but she would never deny him the space that he sought, the space he obviously needed in that moment.They had spent the day together - just the two of them - dreaming of the future, of all the things they could do once they were out of here, once she had recovered.Now those dreams seemed so fragile."I'm sure," she said shakily as she ran her fingertip along the edge of the envelope.Despite wanting nothing more than to tuck it away and ignore its existence, she knew that she had to do this sooner rather than later."I'm right here if you need me," he promised.She forced her eyes from the white rectangle in her hands to meet his crystal blue gaze. His obvious nerves were oddly comforting; a reminder that she wasn't alone in this.He forced a smile. "I'm not going anywhere."His stomach was in knots - a tangled mess from doing cartwheel after cartwheel - but when she smiled and visibly relaxed, reassured by his words, he swallowed down the fear that had been slowly creeping up his throat.He could see the tremble in her hands as her finger slid under the seal of the envelope, tearing it open, and as she pulled the results from within he swore he felt his heart stop beating.His eyes remained glued to her face, watching her eyes as they drifted across the words on the page; but her face stayed unchanged, unreadable.Left to right, left to right; they drifted again and again as she absorbed the information until suddenly they stopped.Her face was blank, the room was still, the silence was deafening.He closed his eyes as everything that was missing from this moment sunk in. There was no celebration; a heaviness settled in his stomach. But until she said the words, he would hold onto hope.For them.He opened his eyes, focussed on Kate as she pinched her bottom lip with her fingertips, her eyes still glued to the paper.She shook her head ever so slightly. If he hadn't been watching so attentively he wouldn't have seen it. Her brow furrowed as she read the document again. Her eyes drifted - left to right, left to right - as she read and reread the page.Once more, they stopped, glistening as emotion pooled.He tried to tell himself that they were tears of joy, that she was overwhelmed by the happiness she felt after confirming what they had hoped for all along. But the rapidly increased pace of the
beep,
beep,
beep
had betrayed her unreadable mask.Optimism didn't come that easily when the truth was so blatantly obvious. And as her first tears fell, he couldn't deny it any longer.Kate's child was not his.She closed her eyes. He could see the effort she was putting into keeping each breath steady, but she was losing control. Each new breath was shorter, less effective, and the rapidly changing numbers on her monitor reflected her internal battle. She was panicking, scared and confused.Her mouth opened wide as she sucked in a desperate, stuttered breath and she began to cry."Kate-" His voice cracked as he struggled to keep his own disappointment at bay.This wasn't how it was meant to be; he had worked too hard to get them to this point for it to all come crumbling down now.He stepped across the room, took the papers from her grasp and placed them aside without so much as a sideward glance."I'm so sorry, Castle," she sobbed.He wrapped his arms around her and pulled her into his embrace, her head tucked under his chin."It's okay," he whispered into her hair, ignoring that little voice in his head that was screaming otherwise.He closed his eyes - filled to the brim with his own tears that he refused to let spill - and echoed a soothing
shhhh
in between reassurances."It's going to be okay. We'll figure this out."Her cries persisted, growing louder and more painful with each jerked heave of her shoulders."We're okay, Kate," he said, as much for his own reassurance as it was for hers.Before long, the mournful sounds were joined by medical alarms.He pulled away, to call for a nurse, but she gripped his shirt."It hurts," she said between sobs. "Too much."She clutched at her chest as she gasped for more air.As nurses rushed into the room he stumbled backward to find his place against the wall again, but even the solid press of plasterboard against his shoulders couldn't muster even an illusion of security. His world was spinning -
violently
- and it was taking everything he had in him just to stay upright.He blinked to clear his blurred vision. Tears dropped to his cheeks."Excuse me," he mumbled to no one in particular before slowly making his way toward the door.One foot in front of the other, that's all he could focus on. His hand dragged along the wall to steady himself.He had hoped that being on the outside - that not seeing Kate so upset or hearing her distress - would help alleviate some of the weight on his chest, but it didn't. He feared that, for a while at least, nothing would.The images he had clung to of he and Kate and this tiny baby that had his eyes, or his nose, or his curious nature – something,
anything
that would forge that unbreakable bond of
family
– were slipping away.He really had allowed himself to believe that this could all work out in their favour, that the result of this test would do nothing but cement his belief that they were destined to be a family. Instead, it had left him wondering exactly how he might fit into
theirs.He took a few steps forward, leant his forehead against the wall opposite her room and closed his eyes.Breathe in; deep. Breathe out; slow.This wasn't over, not by a long shot. But boy did it just get complicated."Rick?"Jim's voice sliced through the haze and pulled Castle from his trance.He straightened his posture - forced to trust himself for balance, not the wall - and turned to face Jim, wiping the moisture that sat below his eyes."What's going on?"And just like that, his last thread of control broke. He looked back into the room where two nurses worked on settling Kate."Can you-?" he started to ask, but was unsure of his actual question.Can you fix this?Can you
handle
it?Can you turn back time and make this all go away?"I-I'm sorry," he said, his breath heavy. "I have to go."Before Jim could say a word, Castle pushed himself to move as quickly as he could. One foot in front of the other, again and again until he was free of these enclosing walls, free of this suffocating space.He didn't know where he would go, he just had to get out.He leant back in the armchair by his desk and finished the last swig of his whiskey."I thought you said that the results didn't matter?"His mother hadn't been the person he wanted to see upon his arrival back home, but she would do. In all honesty, a familiar face and a reassuring smile was all he had wanted and she seemed more than willing to provide that for him...
at first."They don't," he insisted.The crystal glass
clinked
against the desk as he set it aside."Then why are you
here
and not with Katherine?"His eyes met hers, narrowed by his frustration, but his expression softened as he pondered her question.Why
was
he here?"Because-" He tried to think of a valid reason, a reason other than
I'm running, but he came up short.With a sigh, he scrubbed his hand over his face. It was time to face the truth: he
was
running. Running from the truth, desperate to return to their little bubble of denial.It felt safe in the bubble."What if it matters to her?"He shrugged, an attempt to hide the fact that there was nothing more than a dangerously fine thread keeping him together at this point. He was scared.Martha sighed and leant in closer to her son."She loves you, Richard," she reminded him. "A fool can see that."He wasn't denying that, though. They had come so far, fought so hard to be where they were right now."I know what having a baby with someone does, though." He looked down at his hands as he toyed with a loose thread in his pants. "Look at Meredith-""Does Katherine need to worry about you running off with Meredith?" Martha asked, cutting him off."Well,
no-""Because it is different," she clarified, proud that she seemed to be proving some point he hadn't quite caught on to yet. "You love Meredith because she is the mother of your child. You are not
in love
with Meredith. It will be the same for Katherine, I am sure."He narrowed his eyes again. "You do realise it took me the better part of a decade, an
affair
and Meredith moving across the country for me to realise I wasn't in love with her, right?""Ah, yes." Martha patted her son's knee and offered a small smile. "It is a good thing Katherine is a great deal smarter than you were, isn't it?"He pursed his lips and raised his eyebrows. His mother never was one to mince her words."Touché."They settled into the silence comfortably, both internally processing the day's discoveries and what that meant moving forward.He knew that his mother had had her doubts from the very beginning and he wanted to make it clear, make sure she knew without a doubt, that this hadn't changed the way he felt.After a moment's silent reflection, he reached into the pocket of his jeans and pulled out a small box.He held it out between them and she took it without a word. When she opened it to reveal a beautiful - modestly elegant, round cut diamond - engagement ring, she gasped."Oh, Richard- it's beautiful.""I'm not going to ask her," he informed her, almost regretfully.She looked away from the diamond and into his eyes, her expression equal parts curiosity and doubt."I mean... I
was
going to ask. I
will
ask, but now isn't the right time.""If now isn't the right time, why did you buy the ring?""I don't want to lose her," he admitted. "I'm scared, but that's not a good enough reason."The slight nod of his mother's head told him that he was right.She closed the ring box and held it between them, waiting for him to take it from her."I was hoping you could hold onto it for me," he said. "Just for a little while. I mean, I
know
now isn't the right time but that doesn't mean I won't freak out again and ask her. I know this is what I want, but I need to let the dust settle first. I don't
ever
want her to doubt why I asked.""I don't think she ever would," Martha assured him as she rose to her feet. She gently touched her palm to the side of his face and smiled. "But I will keep this somewhere safe until you are ready."The corridors were eerily silent as he made his way to her room; there was nothing to distract him from his thoughts.It was late, he had been gone much longer than he had originally intended, and he hadn't heard from anyone.Was she being respectful? Giving him space to process?Or was she mad? Disappointed that he had left, unsure if she wanted him to return at all.He wouldn't blame her if she was. He had promised that he would be there through all of this. By her side until the very end.But he hadn't handled the heat. He had let her down.He opened the door, just a crack, and peeked in. Kate lay on her side, facing away from the door. He pushed it wider and stepped through.The rhythmic
beep,
beep,
beep
felt like home.He noted Jim's presence and the man acknowledge him with a slight nod, but Castle's focus didn't leave Kate for any longer than those few seconds. As he moved closer to her, he realised she was sleeping soundly. He wondered if they had given her something to calm her, or perhaps she had simply exhausted herself. Either way, he regretted deeply that he hadn't been there for her."I wasn't sure if you were coming back," Jim stated, his voiced hushed but undoubtedly venomous.Castle forced his focus away from Kate and watched as her father rose from his seat and moved closer, his eyes boring into Castle.The man's doubt was like salt in a fresh wound, but it was far from unwarranted."Is she okay?""She spoke to Josh."The name had Castle's stomach doing summersaults. "Already?""She didn't see the point in putting it off, I guess."Castle hung his head, shame flooding through his veins."I should have been here," he mumbled, pitifully."Yeah, you should have been," Jim agreed angrily.It was obvious to both men that this day had caused a crack in the foundation of their relationship; but that was a bridge that Castle would mend in due time. For now, his only focus was Kate and making sure she knew that from this point on, he would be there for her: unconditionally.He was in this one hundred percent.Jim sighed and placed his hand on Castle's shoulder."But... you're here now.""I did mean everything I said," Castle explained. "I... I thought I was ready for the worst and - so it turns out - I wasn't. But I'm not going anywhere. I love your daughter and I do believe that we will make this work."Jim nodded thoughtfully. "I'll leave you in peace, then."He gathered his belongings and walked toward the door."For the record," he said, stopping in the doorway and turning back to face Castle. "She's been waiting for you. She never doubted that you were coming back."Castle looked down at Kate, a smile creeping across his face.He had been worried about the strength of what they had built - too worried, apparently - and the knowledge that she hadn't doubted it, hadn't doubted
him, was exactly the reassurance that he needed.As the door closed, Castle lowered the side rail of the bed, careful not to make too much noise or jostle the bed too much, and climbed onto the bed. He laid down and draped his arm over her waist, curling his body so that it fit perfectly against hers.His emotions were still raw; the hurt more intense than he ever could have imagined it would be. Nothing could have prepared him for this level of heartache; but here, with her in his arms, he was filled with an unequivocal sense of hope that everything would be
okay.He closed his eyes and allowed her scent and her warmth to lull him to sleep.The last thing he felt as the haziness of sleep infiltrated his mind was her fingers lacing through his and the gentle, reassuring squeeze of her hand as she whispered: "I love you."
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
December 29th, 2012
Josh wrapped his arm around Kate's shoulder, pulled her close and rested the side of his head against hers."Thank you," he whispered to her.Kate turned and looked at him, eyes glimmering as she tried to hold back her proud tears that had blurred her vision on and off all morning."For what?""For always making sure we're included," he said earnestly as he eyed his parents, Mary and Robert, mingling effortlessly with Jim and Martha. "For making us feel welcome. I know that isn't always easy."She smiled as she let his sincerity settle over her. He was right: it wasn't always easy. In fact, over the past eighteen months she had been pushed to near-breaking point -
several
times over. But as she looked around the room and took in the cheerful faces of their unconventional family who had gathered to celebrate the girl seated in the high chair in front of them, she knew that every hurdle, every heartache had been worth it.Mira Johanna Davidson had entered their lives in a blaze of glory - ahead of 'schedule' and in record time - and she had lived in that same extraordinary manner ever since. Sociable from day one, she loved to interact with everyone and everything around her. She was all smiles all the time, rarely unsettled, and had an inquisitive nature that left even Castle in awe.Most importantly, their little girl had no shortage of love in her life and they wouldn't want it any other way.Everyone gathered around and as Castle carried the cake over from they kitchen and placed it on the table, just out of reach of little hands they began to sing.
"Happy birthday to you,
Happy birthday to you,
Happy birthday, dear Mira,
Happy birthday to you!"
Mira squealed excitedly as the sparklers shimmered brightly and when her small audience began to cheer for her she imitated their actions, slowly clapping her hands together.The girl was bewildered by all the fuss, but enjoyed it nonetheless."She loves the attention," Castle stated as he turned to face Kate. He added, in a whisper: "Just like her mother."Josh chuckled quietly and Kate's jaw dropped, offended by the accusation."If anything, that's something she's picked up from
you!" she sneered and poked her finger into Castle's ribs.He gasped - an exaggerated response that gained the attention of the entire party - and Kate smiled as if he had just proven her point."Okay," he said with a nonchalant shrug. "Yes, maybe this one is on me. It was bound to happen: just look at my mother!"Kate slapped his bicep playfully with the back of her hand. "Just cut the cake, Castle," she ordered with a smile."Yes, ma'am."He stepped up to the table, sliced and handed out portions to their guests, the first of which was given to the birthday girl.Within minutes chocolate and icing had been smeared across the high chair, squished between tiny fingers and dropped to the floor."I'll grab you some wipes," Kate offered as she headed to the kitchen."Hey, you want to go to Ba Ba while Daddy cleans the rest of this up?" Josh asked Mira as he tried pointlessly to wipe the girl's messy hands.Castle stepped closer to Josh and held his arms out for her."Thanks.""Not a problem," Castle said with a smile before he turned his attention to Mira. "Isn't that right, Princess?""May I ask where the
Ba Ba
came from?" Robert asked, amused as he watched the interaction between the men.Castle sighed and glared in Kate's direction."It's not my fault," she called over her shoulder, barely even glancing in his direction."We were playing a particularly intense game of
Barnyard animals, as you do," he began to explain. "And
someone
suggested I pretend to be a sheep.""You were having fun, don't lie," Alexis teased with a huge smirk on her face."I- yeah, I was," he confessed. "I was giving it my all, too.
Baah,
baah, really getting into it and Mira was going crazy, giggling like mad. I've been so lovingly referred to as
Ba Ba
ever since.""He thinks he's the favourite now," Kate added as she walked back over to join the group."It came before
Dada," Castle pointed out, the petty voice in his mind momentarily
winning.He tensed as his eyes darted to Josh, who just smiled and shook his head. He smiled back and allowed himself to relax again, relieved that this competitiveness between them seemed to be growing more and more
friendly
as time passed."And, I'm sorry, I must have missed it: when did she first say
Mama?" he teased Kate.He side-stepped the scrunched up napkin Kate tossed his way in response."Mmm," Mira hummed, drawing everyone's attention her way. "Ma-mam.""Oh my God!" Kate's jaw dropped as she and Castle stared at one another in amused disbelief.Castle's slack-jawed expression remained glued to his face as he turned to the toddler in his arms."You little traitor," he mumbled before kissing her cheek.As early-afternoon rolled around, the loft had settled into a tired lull.Robert and Mary were the first to say their farewells. Although the blending of families seemed to be coming along nicely, they were still cautious to not
outstay their welcome
in the loft.Jim and Martha had excused themselves not long after. After what could only be described as a
hostile
start, Castle had decided that he didn't need to know the specifics of this odd little friendship they had forged, so long as they were getting along. His mind did wander, occasionally, when they'd leave on one of their
field trips: was his mother being dragged off to a baseball game or was Jim being tortured, held against his will and forced to run lines with a class full of
up-and-comers? He found both possibilities rather amusing but when they would both return with smiles on their faces, he knew neither was likely.After Alexis had retreated to her room for an afternoon of study, Castle and Kate had begun to clean everything up. Josh, as usual, had stayed back to assist in any way he could and they happily assigned him to
entertain the overtired and hyped-up-on-sugar toddler
duty.Once the dishes were done and packed away, the couple headed to the living room where Josh and Mira were playing.Kate sat on the floor and leant back against the couch, opposite Josh who had settled in front of the arm chair. Castle joined them and Mira sat in the space between them, her focus locked on a musical toy in her lap."MJ," Kate sung to gain the girl's attention.She smiled and crawled toward her mother, climbing over her lap.Kate lifted her to her feet and turned her to face Josh."Can you show Daddy how good you can walk?" she said in Mira's ear while smiling at Josh.Josh perked up. "Can you walk to Daddy?""Dadada," the girl babbled as she bounced excitedly."Okay, we can do this, Mira!" Josh encouraged as he held his hands out for her.Kate slowly released her hold around Mira's waist."She took three steps the other day before losing balance," she informed the two men who were eagerly awaiting to see what would happen.Mira wobbled and took a step to balance herself.Castle smiled and pulled his phone from his pocket. The look of sheer determination on MJ's face was like a mirror-image of Kate's; when he saw it he knew something great was about to happen. He opened his phone's camera and began to record.Josh's face lit up, his excitement spreading like wildfire. "You can do it!""Go to Daddy," Kate sung encouragingly as she pressed her palm to Mira's back, stabilising her.Mira looked at Josh with a big smile. She held her hands out, taking another step. Then another, and another.With each small step her pace increased until her legs seemed to be moving too fast and she began to lose balance. With just a few steps to go, it was obvious she wouldn't quite make it and so Josh shuffled forward and reached out to catch her as she began to fall.Safe in her father's arms, the girl smiled victoriously.The three adults all clapped and cheered for her as she giggled gleefully.Kate pulled herself to her knees and closed the short distance between them, patting Mira on the back as the three of them celebrated. Castle watched on, his heart filling with pride over how far they had all come. As Josh looked in his direction, Castle offered a small smile and Josh returned it in surplus."You ready to go again, Princess?"Josh turned Mira to face Castle. He placed the girl's feet on the ground and steadied her before letting go."Go to Baba," he instructed.The girl locked her focus on Castle and he set his phone aside, resting it against his water bottle so that he could continue to record. He clapped twice before holding his hands out for her."Ba ba ba," she puffed as she took each wobbly step.As she fell into Castle's arms, they all cheered for her again."Good job, MJ," Castle gushed as he pulled her into his lap.The girl settled into the space between Castle crossed legs and rubbed her eyes with tiny fists."I think someone's sugar high is wearing off," Kate said as she watched Mira curl into Castle's arms."Big day for her, she should sleep well," Josh commented as he watched.After a few moments of silence, he changed the subject."So, how's the wedding planning going?" he asked, looking between Kate and Castle.Castle's eyes drifted to Kate, silently asking how to proceed.With her enthusiastic smile and the slight nod of her head, he knew he had her permission to share their news with Josh.Castle schooled his expression, tried to simmer his enthusiasm. "Well,
actually, we've decided to postpone the wedding for the moment."Josh looked at Kate and tried to read her expression, then back to Castle. "Why?""We were planning a September wedding,
as you know, but-" Castle hesitated as he tried to find a delicate way to continue. "It's just… it's Kate's big day and obviously I want it to be everything she's ever dreamed of-"Kate rolled her eyes before cutting him off. "What he's trying to say is: given how long it took me to feel like myself after having Mira, we just aren't sure if I'll be wedding ready
again
by September."Josh narrowed his eyes and looked back and forth between the pair but as realisation settled in, his expression softened."Wait... are you pregnant?"Kate's smile beamed as she nodded.Josh wrapped his arm around her shoulder and pulled her in for a hug."Congratulations," he cheered.He released his hold around Kate and pointed his finger toward Castle."You had me worried for a second there.""Yeah, I could see you mentally gearing up to kick my ass," Castle chuckled."Been there, done that," Josh bragged with a smirk, earning an exaggerated scoff from Castle."Barely."Kate looked back and forth between the two men. "Wait, what?""Oh.""Nothing," Castle insisted, his eyes wide and glued to Josh's.When he finally peeled them away to look at Kate, she was glaring at him."It's a story for another time, perhaps?" he suggested.Josh nodded in agreement. "Another time, definitely. Maybe when I'm not within reach."Kate narrowed her eyes even more; never in a million years did she think that
she
would feel like the one on the outside in this odd little parenting triangle they had going."MJ's gonna be a big sister!" Josh cheered to distract from his slip of the tongue."Yay MJ!" Castle joined in, gently waving the girl's arms above her head before realising that she had nodded off. "Oh."Kate just shook her head: she would get to the bottom of this
ass-kicking
one day but for now she just wanted to be present in the moment, to enjoy that - after
a lot
of hard work, tears and heartache - they had finally fallen into a rhythm that suited them all.