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Rey met Ben at university. Both juniors, coming from two year community colleges. They were both new to the area. They studied opposite subjects. Their personalities were nothing alike. Yet, one rainy night, differences didn’t matter. Rey had been studying in the library on campus. It was pouring rain and strangely cold outside for a September night in New Jersey. Her head was in her textbooks and laptop for so long, she didn’t notice that it went from sunny to borderline apocalyptic outside. “Fuck,” Rey muttered, peering out the large windows, “Fuck, fuck, fuck.” She had no way to get home. Well, she did…but she wasn’t sure how she was going to walk in this weather. The library was nearly closed. It was almost 1AM. Rey quickly packed her things, shoving her books into her backpack without organizing them. She needed to leave before the storm got worse. She made her way to the exit that was closest to the direction of her flat. Taking a deep breath, Rey started to open the glass door. “Need an umbrella? It’s pretty crazy out there.” Her hand fell from the door as she turned around. A tall, dark haired man stood behind her. He looked her age. Maybe a little older. He had nice hair that went to his neck. It was black. In this light, his eyes looked black, too. He had a nice nose. She thought by his offer that he’d be wearing a smile. Maybe flirting. But the man wasn’t smiling. If anything, he had a more uncomfortable look on his face. His brow was furrowed and lips flat. He was offering an umbrella because he thought he had to, perhaps. Rey found herself analyzing him in the milliseconds between his words to her and her response. “Oh, I don’t need your umbrella. Thanks.” Rey turned and started to push the door again. She walked outside, under the library’s porch area. Rey was nearly at the steps to start out into the storm when the man jogged next to her. “I can walk you.” His jaw was tight as he spoke. “I-I’m not a creep or anything,” Rey didn’t mind if he was. An umbrella was an umbrella. She knew self-defense moves and could have this six-foot whatever inches man on the ground in a second. Maybe she could even just steal the umbrella afterward. “I don’t suppose you’re walking to the Papillon Apartments on Second Street? ‘Cause that’s where I need to go.” Rey peeked up at the man, who moved the umbrella over her. He frowned. “Jesus, that’s where I live.” She squinted her eyes at him and smiled. “You are a creep.” “N-No.” He put his hands up. “I really live there. Unit six. I promise.” Rey lived in unit seven. She offered him another smile. “What’s your name, creep?” He went back to frowning. At this moment in time, Rey never knew how much his frown would grow on her. “Ben. You?” “Rey. Let’s go.” For the next fifteen minutes, Rey and Ben braved the storm, walking to their apartments. When they arrived, Rey gave Ben a ‘thank you’ and Ben made sure that Rey should watch him unlock his apartment door with his key. He was set on her knowing he wasn’t a creep. “See? I live here.” Rey unlocked her door, too. “See? I live here, too.” She smiled. She could see Ben bite the inside of his cheek a little. “Bye, Ben. See you around, neighbor.” “Bye, Rey.” ⋆ ⋆ ⋆ ⋆ ⋆ It was game over for Rey and Ben after that. Because they were both new in town, they clung to each other. It started with Rey knocking on Ben’s door the next day with a loaf of banana bread to say thank you for the walk home. Rey made Ben loaves on loaves on banana bread throughout their knowing each other. It didn’t take long for the two of them to spend almost every hour together, after all, they lived next door to each other. Rey would go over to Ben’s to play Xbox when they needed a break from their studies, and Ben would come over to have Rey bake for him or to talk for hours on end about school, life, and everything in between. The friendship worked. It was perfect. Rey told herself over and over again that it was perfect. A few weeks into their friendship, Rey found out Ben had a girlfriend back in Colorado, Kaydel. Rey wasn’t disappointed. They were friends. She didn’t want anything more. She was a busy student, she told herself. She told herself that he was just like every other friend. She told herself that he was attractive, but he was like a brother. She told herself that it didn’t mean anything when he’d look at her with his eyes intense. She told herself it didn’t mean anything when their hands would linger a little longer than normal on each other’s backs after a hug. They were just close. That was all. ⋆ ⋆ ⋆ ⋆ ⋆ Ben complained about Kaydel. A lot. Rey couldn’t help but think that she could treat him better. Around two months of their friendship, Rey finally asked why Ben was even dating her if she lived so far and he always talked shit about her. “She’s all I can ever know,” Ben confessed quietly, eyes on the floor. Rey gave a polite smile. She didn’t know what he meant by Kaydel was all he can ever know. She didn’t ask about it again. In fact, Ben and Rey both rarely talked about Kaydel, even if there were a billion arrows pointing to her. Kaydel called Ben constantly. Ben always silenced the call when he was with Rey, or would shoot Kaydel a text saying ‘later’ or ‘I’m busy’. Rey didn’t talk about Kaydel calling and Ben didn’t either. ⋆ ⋆ ⋆ ⋆ ⋆ Ben was a bit a of a grump, so he didn’t really spend much time with Rey and her new friends from her program. That was okay. They weren’t dating. He didn’t need to be part of every avenue of her life, she told herself. That was until Thanksgiving. Rey hosted a ‘Friendsgiving’ and invited all the new friends she made. Ben, Rose, Finn, Poe, and more. Rey nudged Ben with her elbow under the table, signaling him to talk. He gave short answers when Finn would ask him questions and Rey could tell her friends thought Ben was a dick. Granted, Ben could be a bit of a dick. Just never to Rey. After everyone had left, though, Ben and Rey fought. “Ben, you could at least try to be a little nicer to my friends.” Ben scoffed as he helped Rey do the dishes, “I was nice.” “You can be so fucking cold, you know that?” Rey dropped some silverware in the sink and toweled off her hands, “It would just mean a lot to me if you tried to be nicer. Conversate, maybe? They’re important to me and so are you. I want everyone to hang out more!” “I don’t have to hang out with your friends, Rey.” Ben rolled his eyes. Rey threw her arms in the air, giving up, “Aren’t you just a hoot? Thanks for clearing that up. Fuck me and fuck my friends.” Ben was the one clanking dishes down in the sink, his own hands now in the air. “I didn’t mean it like that!” “Fuck off, Ben.” “You want me to leave?” “Yes. Please.” Rey opened her front door, motioning Ben out. Ben left. He wasn’t gone for long, though. Two minutes after Rey slammed the door shut after Ben left, she opened it again, to find him with his arm up, ready to knock. His hand slowly fell to his side. “I’m sorry.” Rey threw herself at him and wrapped her arms around his wide torso, whispering, “I’m sorry, too,” Ben was the best thing in Rey’s life, she figured. She didn’t want to lose him. Maybe Ben thought the same about her. After all, they were two stubborn people, apologizing. That night, they ended up in Ben’s apartment, on his couch, watching Spirited Away, one of Rey’s favorite movies. Thirty minutes in, Rey was shivering. Her feet were curled under her, and she found herself inching closer and closer to Ben on the couch. He was practically a heater. “Cold?” Ben peeked down at her. Rey nodded. He got up and grabbed a blanket, draping it over the both of them, and sat closer to Rey. Ben also put his arm around Rey. She suddenly got incredibly nervous. “B-Ben? Your arm is around me,” Rey stated, as if Ben didn’t know exactly where his arm was. She just didn’t know how to approach what was going on. “You’re cold. I’m warm. Friends can hold each other.” Ben’s eyes quickly glanced at Rey’s lips and she parted them, then quickly pressed them together, her head turning back to the screen. Ben was a friend. He has a girlfriend. She was cold. He’s just helping her out. After a while, Rey laid her head on Ben’s shoulder, and his hand gave her own shoulder a small squeeze. She wiggled a little closer and put her hand on his thigh, just for pure convenience, she told herself. Ben leaned his head down a little, putting his lips on Rey’s hair. He didn’t kiss her. He just let his lips stay there. Rey cuddled further into Ben. Ben held her hand on his thigh. She was too scared to look up at him. Too scared to ask what this meant. If this is what friends did. So she didn’t. They didn’t talk about that night again.
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Rey tried not to think of that night for the next two weeks. In fact, she avoided Ben. Well, tried to. He was persistent. So now, they sat on her floor playing Scrabble. “That’s not a word, Ben.” Rey laughed. He rolled his eyes and reached over the board, flicking Rey’s forehead, “Yes it is.” “Ugh, ass!” Rey giggled and shifted her elbows on the carpet, her stomach on the floor, “What does it mean, then?” Ben looked at Rey, almost nervously. He mumbled, “Agastopia. To admire someone’s body.” “Oh.” It was quiet until Rey’s mouth couldn’t stop itself. “Think of that word often, then, perv?” Ben had that look in his eye again. The intense one he gave her every so often. “Sometimes.” Rey could feel her heartbeat in a lot of places. Her chest. Her eyes. Her head. Between her legs. She told herself to get over the last one. Rey was about to speak when Ben’s phone buzzed. By the look on Ben’s face, she could tell who it was from. Ben answered the phone and walked to Rey’s kitchen, getting a glass of water. “With Rey—” She heard as she put up the Scrabble game. It was getting late, anyway. “No. Can we do this later?” Rey put the box on her shelf and sat on her couch, pretending to scroll through her phone. “Okay. I know.” She was just typing on the calculator app, still listening. “Hold on,” Rey finally looked up at Ben, who was walking over to her, his hand over the microphone. “I need to go. Kaydel’s having a…moment,” Rey knew what this meant. She knew Kaydel didn’t like how much time Ben spent with her. But Rey knew that they were just friends. They weren’t doing anything. Kaydel was dramatic. Rey told herself that. “Okay. See you tomorrow?” she asked, offering a sad smile. Ben spoke into the phone again, “Give me a minute, Kay.” He muted the phone and put it in his pocket, before pulling Rey in for a hug. Rey nuzzled herself in his chest and practically made a home there. She felt Ben’s lips on the top of her head. He still wasn’t kissing her. Just putting his lips there. If he did kiss her there, she’d probably tell herself it was because that’s what friends do. What brothers do. Nothing more. Because this wasn’t anything more. “Tomorrow,” Ben whispered in her hair. Then, he left. ⋆ ⋆ ⋆ ⋆ ⋆ Rey didn’t let Ben come over the next day. She told him she was too busy studying for finals next week. Ben offered to study with her. Rey lied and said she was studying with her other friends. When Ben tried to ask to study with all of them, Rey felt her heart hurt a little. He was willing to spend some time with Rey’s friends, like she wanted. But today, she didn’t want that. She told him no and lied that they had to do a special project for their program. ⋆ ⋆ ⋆ ⋆ ⋆ After finals were over, Rey was going out with Finn, Poe, and Rose. They were all drinking beforehand at Rey’s flat, music blaring and laughing their asses off watching Poe do impressions. Then, a knock sounded on Rey’s door. It was Ben. They hadn’t talked in a week. “Hi.” Ben looked over Rey at her friends in the living room, then back down at her, “Oh. Sorry. I was going to see if you wanted to play something. Or…I don’t know. Sorr—” “Come out with us!” Rose ran to the door, practically shoving Rey out of the way, “We’re going out and pregaming right now. Go change!” Ben looked at Rose, then Rey, then Rose again. “Yeah, man! Come out!” Poe was at the door now with Finn. Ben looked at Rey again. “Yeah, you should come out,” Rey said softly, “If you want.” “Okay.” Ben and Rey just looked at each other for a moment. They didn’t say anything. Finn, Rose, and Poe must have taken that as a sign to move back to the living room, because in a second, they were alone. “Can I talk to you?” Ben asked Rey, his eyes pleading. “You should change.” “Come talk to me while I change.” “Okay.” Rey followed Ben outside and to his door. As they went into his apartment, Ben shut the door behind her. “Are you upset with me?” Rey felt her shoulders tense. She wasn’t upset with him. More of with herself. She avoided him for a week because she couldn’t help the feeling of jealousy bubbling up inside of her the other night when Kaydel called. When Ben left. Rey was in trouble and needed a break from the man who caused her dangerous feelings. “No, I’m not. Just busy with finals. B-But now we can finally hang out!” Rey responded, unusually cheery. It’s not like she’d ever tell Ben that Kaydel wasn’t good for him, or that she wished it was her instead. Did she even want that? Rey told herself she didn’t. “Good,” Ben smiled, “Because I’d kick your ass if you were.” Rey rolled her eyes as Ben went to his bedroom, changing. “I can take you down, Solo. We’ve discussed this.” “Yeah right.” Rey sat on one of his chairs and crossed her arms, “I totally can! I’m not lying!” Rey was little, but she was strong, something she took pride in. It would be easy for her to be physically and emotionally weak from the way she grew up. How she had nothing. But she wasn’t. And she loved that she didn’t fit that box that was made for her. Ben came out of his room with new pants on and a t-shirt in his hand. Not on his body. He was shirtless. Rey had seen him shirtless before. She’d come over in the mornings and take care of him while he was hungover, and shirts were scarce on those days. She swam with him twice at a local lake. She’d seen him without a shirt on before. But not quite like this. Ben threw his t-shirt on his couch and bent at the knees, “Come on, then.” “I’m not fighting you.” Rey frowned. “Knew it.” Ben walked over to where he threw his t-shirt, then started to put it on. As he lifted it over his head, Rey lunged from the chair she was sitting on and kicked the back of Ben’s knees, making them fold. “What the f—” Ben was on the floor now, and Rey was on top of him, her hands holding his arms over his chest. His shirt was partially on, just leaving his stomach exposed. Rey was sitting there, anyway.“Jesus fucking Christ, Rey.” Ben tried to wiggle his arms free from her grasp, but Rey knew he couldn’t get out. She was really strong. “Told you.” Rey smirked. It wasn’t until now that Rey realized what position they were in. She was straddling him on the floor. She told herself she didn’t plan this. Her eyes flashed with fear and she released Ben’s hands. Rey was trying to get off him when she felt two big hands on her hips. Ben was holding her there. On him. Rey mindlessly scooted back a little, her ass now on Ben’s groin. Slightly, she pushed down. Before either of them could sigh, there was banging on the door. “Are you guys ready?” “We are drunkkkk!!! Let’s goooo!” “Hurry!” Rey crawled off Ben like she’d been shocked by a lightning bolt. She quickly stood and rushed to Ben’s kitchen to get a glass of water, her mouth incredibly dry. She saw Ben adjust himself in his pants and pull his shirt down, fixing it just right, before opening the door to a drunk, loud Rose, Finn, and Poe. They didn’t talk about that night again. ⋆ ⋆ ⋆ ⋆ ⋆ Christmas came and went. Ben flew home to see his mom in Washington. Kaydel flew there, too. Rey spent the holiday alone, just like she’d done so many times before. She told herself she wasn’t lonely. That she didn’t need anyone. When Ben got back two weeks later, he still had his suitcase with him as he knocked on Rey’s door. Her apartment was his first stop. And he had a gift box in his hands. “Merry Christmas, Rey.” Rey looked down at the box, then back up Ben. “Y-You didn’t have to—I didn’t get you anyth—it’s nearly the New Year, Ben—” Ben didn’t let her finish. He hugged her and whispered in her hair that he really missed her. Rey tried hard not to cry. She really missed him, too. When Ben finally pushed Rey enough to ‘take the damn present’, she opened it to find a snow globe of Washington State, socks with little cacti on them, some AirHeads (her favorite candy), and two tickets to her favorite band that was playing in the city over next month. “Cactus socks?” Rey giggled as she put them on. “Because you like Texas.” Rey mentioned once in passing that she’d like to live in Texas after she gets her bachelor’s degree. Rey craved to be somewhere warm. Somewhere sunny. Somewhere she could spend most of the year outside. And Ben remembered. “I think there are a lot of those in Texas—Cacti, I mean,” he clarified. Rey hugged Ben for longer than she should have, probably. But Ben held her for just as long, lips on her head again. ⋆ ⋆ ⋆ ⋆ ⋆ A few weeks later, Kaydel came to visit Ben. It was the first time Rey got to meet her, and she was everything that Rey imagined. She’d seen pictures of her before, but nothing could compare to how Kaydel looked in real life.She was beautiful. Rey told herself that Kaydel was more beautiful than her. Kaydel’s personality also out beat what Rey had imagined. Kaydel was a mess. She was loud. Louder than Rey. She complained a lot about things that didn’t matter. She nagged on Ben. Rey could tell she wasn’t a fan of her or their other friends. Yes, Finn, Rose, and Poe were now Ben’s friends, too. One night while Kaydel was in town, Rey overheard her talking to Ben outside. “You only have a year and a half here. You shouldn’t really get used to these people.” Ben told Kaydel that’s why she didn’t have any good friendships, then stormed inside of his apartment. After Kaydel left, Rey, Ben, Finn, Poe, and Rose got drunk. To everyone expect Ben, it was sort of a way to celebrate Kaydel being gone. No one liked her, really. Rey didn’t know if Ben even did. Rey and Ben Ubered home together and Rey dry heaved the whole way, Ben rubbing her back as the car drove. Rey heard him tell the Uber driver that he was really sorry and promised he’d pay the cleaning fee and more if she vomited. She didn’t, thank fuck. Ben and Rey were still wobbly by the time they got to their complex. They weren’t drunk, but they certainly weren’t at 100%. Ben helped Rey into her apartment and Rey started to take off her clothes before she could think. Ben didn’t leave, though. Instead, he helped her. He found the sleep shorts she wanted and put her dirty clothes in her bin. He helped her put on an old t-shirt and even unclasped her bra so Rey could get out of it. Ben helped Rey wash her face, then he washed his own in her sink. Rey got in her bed and pulled Ben down with her. She knew what she was doing. She didn’t care. It’s not like she was trying to fuck him. Or kiss him. She just wanted to sleep with him. “Stay,” Rey plead as Ben sat on the bed in front of her. “Stay. I could die in my sleep. Or you could. I dunno…just stay? Please? Tonight?” Ben ran a hand through his hair and looked at Rey with an expression she couldn’t read. Then, he took off his shirt. Then, his pants. Then, he crawled under the covers with Rey. She didn’t move at all. Rey was stiff as a board the first few minutes. She was trying to control her pumping heart that she swore could be heard a mile away. “Ben?” she called for him in the quiet. “Hm?” “I’m cold. Can we—Can we get closer?” Rey cuddled with her friends all the time. She told herself this was no different. “Yeah.” Ben got closer to Rey and put his arm under her pillow. Rey turned on her side and put her head on his chest. “I do this with my other friends,” Rey blurted. “Do you?” “Yeah.” It wasn’t a lie. When Rose had to spend the night after too many glasses of wine, she slept with Rey. It wasn’t a big deal when they cuddled. Finn slept over once, too. They cuddled. Finn was gay, but that didn’t matter. It didn’t have to mean anything with Ben, either. “If it’s weird, we don’t have to,” Rey said quietly, knowing that in a moment, he’d probably put on his clothes and bolt. He didn’t. “Friends do this,” Ben replied and held her closer. “We’re good friends.” “Good friends,” Rey whispered and put her leg over his. She could hear his heartbeat under her ear. It was going fast. Rey told herself it was because he was tired or had too much alcohol in him. Not because of anything else. Ben shifted a little, getting even closer to Rey. Holding her closer. Moving his head down to put his lips on her head. It didn’t mean anything, just like it’s never meant anything. But Rey couldn’t help the way her body responded to his. She hiked her leg a little more over his, and higher. Her head nuzzled into his lips, letting them press harder on her. Rey’s arm reached over his torso and held him tight, as if he’d be gone at any second. Because that’s how it felt sometimes. It felt like she shared him. One minute he was with her. The next he wasn’t. “Rey.” “Yeah?” “I’m gonna move a little, okay?” Ben told her. Her heart sank. He was uncomfortable. Rey made Ben uncomfortable. “Okay.” Her voice was small and she peeled off of him. Rey began to roll over when Ben caught her, putting her back to face him. Ben was now on his side, holding Rey against his chest. She snuggled into him, letting her insecurities melt away, just for a moment. So close to Ben, she could smell him. Not just his leftover cologne, but him. She loved the way he smelled and often went over to his place just to have his scent on her to carry over to her apartment. Ben’s leg went between Rey’s, making her break away from his chest, and look up at him. She wiggled upward until she was face to face with Ben, barely able to see his face in the dark room. His hand went from her back to her waist, then to her ass. He wasn’t squeezing or grabbing. Just resting. Rey’s breathing got ragged. She couldn’t help it. They were so close. He was touching her. It was everything she’d screamed at herself over the past six months that she didn’t want. But she did. Rey moved her hips a little and Ben lifted his leg higher, letting her clothed cunt press on his thigh. Rey took in a sharp breath of air and Ben put his forehead on hers. It was now that he started to press his fingers onto her ass, grabbing at her. His thigh was testing her again by pressing up against her cunt. They were flowing in and out of each other. That’s the only way Rey knew how to describe it. A flow of energy. Of motion. Of something. Rey tried to breathe out of her nose to conceal a moan that might escape from her mouth, but it didn’t work. She whimpered a little. Ben pulled her closer and his shallow breaths hit her lips. She felt something poke at her lower stomach and she knew Ben was hard. They were laying in her bed, she was grinding on his thigh, and he was hard. She remembered he had a girlfriend. Rey quickly turned over and gave a small, “Goodnight.” Ben laid behind her and didn’t say anything for a minute. Then, she felt him roll the other way as he replied, “Night, Rey.” They didn’t talk of this night again, either.
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Rey and Ben pretended like nothing happened. Like they weren’t millimeters from kissing. Like Rey wasn’t getting off on Ben’s thigh. Like Ben wasn’t hard. They just resumed like normal, except, Rey tried not to spend so much time with Ben after the sun went down after that. She told herself she didn’t even like him like that, actually. That it was a moment of weakness. That she was drunk and so was he. But she knew it really wasn’t true. January turned in February, then March…then April. Days went by faster than Rey could keep up. She wasn’t drowning in schoolwork. She was just drowning in time left with Ben. They were both already juniors programs, so she knew she had a little over a year left with him, but still. A year wasn’t enough. Rey never knew why she clung so much to Ben. She didn’t know why Ben liked her so much, either. She just knew that as winter turned to spring in New Jersey, they took every sunny weekend as an opportunity to get out of their apartments. “Ben Solo, I will kill you,” Rey threatened him. Her eyes were closed, her shades were on, and she was laying with her hands behind her head on a blanket in a big park. And Ben was throwing strawberries at her. “Baby.” Ben laughed. Rey’s phone buzzed and as she unlocked it, she smiled. Rey had been on Tinder for about a week now. Rose helped her set it up. It was useless to find a boyfriend, but she figured that a girl of her age shouldn’t be a virgin anymore. She wanted to get rid of her v-card. She was smiling at her phone because there was someone she’d been messaging for a few days now. He was sweet, charming, and although he looked a little dorky for her taste, she was into him. Rey started to type a response when Ben took her phone. “Hey!” “What are you smiling at?” Ben rolled over and looked at her phone, making Rey incredibly uncomfortable. She didn’t want him to see that. Rey started to slap at Ben’s back, then eventually sat up and leaned over him, stealing her phone away. “You’re such a dick sometimes, Ben,” Rey’s cheeks were burning up now as she tucked her phone into her purse. Ben sat up on his hands and furrowed his brow, “You’re on Tinder?” “Yeah. What about it?” “I just didn’t know.” “Want me to fill you in every time I download a new app?” Ben pressed his lips together. “That’s not what I meant.” “Don’t judge me.” “I’m not…I’m just wondering what you’re doing on there.” Rey laid back down and looked up at the blue sky. Ben laid back down, too. “I’m using Tinder what Tinder is for, Ben,” she replied after a while. “Obviously.” “Oh.” “It’s not an app for the Parent Teacher Association, you know.” “Okay. Jesus, Rey. I got it.” They let the next few minutes pass, and it went by slowly. Rey could tell Ben was upset. Rey was upset that he was upset. Maybe it was because he was being protective. Rey decided to tell herself that. “Are you being careful?” Ben asked in the silence. “I haven’t done anything.” Rey saw Ben turn to look at her out of the corner of her eye. “Like, you haven’t met up with anyone?” “No, I haven’t.” “Good.” “Why good?” Rey was looking at Ben, now. He stared back up at the sky. “It can be dangerous, Rey.” Rey thought Ben was more dangerous. The way he made her feel. The way he looked at her. The way he spoke to her. It could kill her. He was dangerous. More so than some frat guy on Tinder. Rey never met up with that guy. Or any of them. ⋆ ⋆ ⋆ ⋆ ⋆ Over the summer, Kaydel visited again. When they all went out, Kaydel put her hand on Ben’s arm and squeezed any time he looked at Rey or spoke in the group. Poe, Finn, Rose, and Rey all glanced at each other, then later made their way to the restrooms to talk about how fucked up and controlling it was. After Kaydel went back to Colorado, Rey got the courage to ask Ben what that was about. “She just gets nervous in groups.” Rey squinted, “When you speak? Because she was only doing that when you talked…or looked at me.” Ben put his controller down and rested the back of his head against the couch. He looked tired. “She’s jealous.” “Of?” “You.” Rey’s eyes went wide. She brought up January. “Does she know about January?” Ben shook his head. “Oh.” “She’s scared of how close we are. That I’m closer to you than her.” Rey laughed, “Yeah well, she lives in Colorado so—” “Closer in a different way, Rey.” He swallowed, then went on. “I’ve been with her for…a while. I’ve known you for nearly one. You know everything about me. She doesn’t, and she knows that. It’s hard for her.” Rey wanted to punch Ben in the face. She couldn’t pinpoint why. Maybe because he should tell his girlfriend things he tells Rey. Maybe because he’s still dating Kaydel, when Rey is right there. Maybe because she just wants to punch something. Rey told herself it was just because she wanted to punch something, after all. “Don’t make it hard, then. Share things with your girlfriend,” Rey muttered, getting off of the couch. “You’re leaving?” Rey slipped on her shoes, “Yeah. I’m tired.” As her hand hit the doorknob, Ben spoke. “It’s different, you know.” Rey turned around, her back leaning on the door now. “What’s different?” “I can’t tell her things I tell you. I can’t share things. Things about me.” Ben was very open with Rey, and she knew that. She appreciated it. She understood it. Rey had seen him cry a few times. He’d seen her cry a billion. For as stone-cold as he was, Ben was a softie. Turns out, it was just for Rey, and Rey was the same for him. “Why’s that, Ben?” Rey crossed her arms. He stood, walking toward her. “You’re two different people. Some things are easier to share with you and not her.” Rey thought his response was a shit one. “Things should be easy with a significant other,” she said softly, “You shouldn’t—You shouldn’t even be comparing us. She should come on top every time. She should be the one you share more with.” Rey wanted to scream that. She wanted to scream so much more. She wanted to yell at him that it’d be okay if he broke up with Kaydel. That he’d still have Rey. His friends. Others. She wanted to scream that just because being unhappy in his relationship was comfortable, that’s not how it had to be. She wanted to scream so much. But she didn’t, and Ben didn’t say anything, either. Rey just stood there for a moment, waiting. Waiting for him to say something. Waiting for him to do something. Waiting for anything. Waiting for something. But something never came. Rey told herself that Ben Solo was a pussy.Then, Rey left. ⋆ ⋆ ⋆ ⋆ ⋆ She didn’t talk to Ben for a few days. He didn’t talk to her, either. That was, until one night in late June, when the power went out because of a bad storm. Ben knocked on Rey’s door. “Hi.” Rey saw that he was carrying a lantern, a lighter, and some Cheez-Its. “Hi. Want to come over?” Ben asked, the rain whipping around behind him. It was an easy decision. Rey nodded and grabbed a blanket from her couch, then followed Ben two steps outside, to his apartment next door. It was awkward at first. They weren’t sure what to say to one another. Rey could feel Ben’s anxiety and she was sure he could feel hers, too. “I hate storms,” Rey confessed. “It’s so loud. Too much chaos.” Ben sat beside her on the couch after lighting a candle. “I don’t like them either.” Ben told Rey about how his father made him stand outside when it stormed so he wouldn’t be so scared of the thunder and lightning. As Ben got older, he realized that his father’s logic was bullshit. It didn’t help him at all. After his story, Rey found herself curled up into Ben on the couch. She wasn’t sure how it happened. They just always seemed to find a way back to each other. She talked about how she’d have to look for food out on the streets, and the thunder scared her. She was so vulnerable. So alone. But as Ben played with her hair as she spoke, she didn’t feel so alone anymore. Ben Solo was the first person to make her feel less lonely. It was quiet for a long time. Just the sound of the rain on the windows and Ben’s heart next to Rey’s ear could be heard. “I don’t like not talking to you,” Ben said softly. She felt his lips in her hair again. He hadn’t done that in months. “I don’t like not talking to you, either. I’m sorry if I overstepped the other day. I just—I was wanting to understand, maybe,” Rey replied, half-lying. Thunder sounded loudly outside. There was a crack and roll and it made Rey and Ben jump. He held her a little tighter, whispering in her hair, “It’s okay, Rey.” Rey thought that maybe the lightning outside somehow pushed into her body when Ben held her like this. She realized that they were doing this again. This thing that was tricky. This game that they played. She pushed herself off of Ben and stood, “Maybe I should go? It’s late.” “No, stay the night. We can stay together while we have no power,” Ben shook his head and stood, too, “You take my bed. I’ll take the couch.” “No, it’s fine. This is your place. I can sleep on the couch.” Rey had slept in much worse spots than an old couch. “You practically live here, too.” Ben shrugged. “It’s your place as much as it is mine.” Rey pursed her lips and agreed on the bed. She brushed her teeth with his toothbrush, because friends let friends borrow their toothbrushes. At least, that’s what Ben told Rey. And Rey told herself that she agreed. After saying goodnight and tossing and turning for a while, the storm at its full intensity now, Rey was wide awake. Lonely. Cold. Wanting to sleep with the big, heater in the next room that was Ben Solo. Rey told herself she was an idiot, no, screamed at herself that she was an idiot as she stood from the bed and made her way to the bedroom door. As she opened it, Ben was on the other side, his hand on the knob. “Ben.” “Hi.” “I was getting a glass of water. I can’t sleep,” she lied. She was going to curl up with Ben on the couch, hoping he was asleep. Ben blinked at her, “I was—I was checking on you. It’s pretty bad out. Even worse than earlier.” “Yeah. I’m—It’d be nice to have company.” “Yeah?”“Yeah.” Rey decided she wasn’t ‘thirsty’ anymore for water, as if she was thirsty in the first place. She made her way back to the bed and watched as Ben climbed in with her. Friends keep each other company in storms. Rey told herself this over and over again as they laid there, not touching the other, on opposite sides of the bed. They weren’t touching until Rey scooted over a little, Ben following her. Eventually, they were spooning, Ben’s lips in Rey’s hair, Rey’s hand on Ben’s that was draped on her stomach, her back against his chest. Always falling into this loop. This dangerous loop. “Friends keep each other company,” Ben whispered. This was their mantra. Their terrifying mantra. Rey turned around and nuzzled her face in Ben’s neck, “Mm.” Ben kissed the top of Rey’s head as rain beat down. She told herself it was to calm her. But he started to kiss her hairline, then her forehead. He’d never gone that low before. Rey tilted her head up and Ben’s lips found Rey’s nose on accident. Ben giggled. So did Rey. “You make me feel good,” Rey nudged her nose against Ben’s. Ben did make her feel good. He was goofy. Fun. He made her forget about storms, stressful classes, and her childhood. Ben made Rey feel so good. He pressed his forehead on hers and his hand was on her waist, now. Ben’s leg went between Rey’s, just like it had back in January. “Friends make each other feel good,” he said, hushed, then pressed the top of his thigh against Rey’s cunt. She rolled her hips forward and let out a shaky exhale. Then, moved her hips backward, then forward again. Rey didn’t want to think about anything else. Just the way Ben was making her feel. In this snapshot of a moment, she wanted to just feel. The way she moved herself on Ben’s thigh was slow. Dragging. But Rey wanted it to be slow. Rey wanted to feel his cock through his boxers getting harder, meeting her lower stomach as she rolled her hips forward. She brushed against him, and every time she did, Ben would let out a small groan. “Friends make each other feel good,” Rey repeated Ben, taking her hand and palming the outline of his cock, completely hard now. He was big. Bigger than she could have imagined. Ben made a little choking noise and cursed under his breath. Rey had never done this before. Any of it. She knew how to make herself feel good, but not someone else. Rolling her cunt on Ben’s thigh was easy, but feeling his dick wasn’t. She didn’t know what to do. Ben put his hand over hers and wrapped her fingers around him, no longer just feeling the outline. She felt how thick it was. And she knew she wanted Ben’s cock inside of her. Stretching her. She wanted it to be him. Rey pressed herself harder down on Ben’s thigh as he helped her touch him a few seconds more. Then, Ben’s phone started to ring, shaking them both out of his bedroom’s four walls and into the real world, where his girlfriend existed. Because that’s who was calling at two in the morning. Kaydel was worried about Ben after hearing about power outages in the area. She then talked his ear off for thirty minutes. He listened to her blabber as he paced in the living room. Rey didn’t know if she should leave. When he got off the call, Ben told her he’d sleep on the couch. This was yet another night that they didn’t talk about again. ⋆ ⋆ ⋆ ⋆ ⋆ It was late August now and school was about to start. Poe, Finn, Rose, and Rey were all at brunch one Sunday morning. Rey was particularly annoyed today. “Every time she calls, it ruins Ben’s mood when we hang out. A-And he talks about her like he doesn’t like her! I don’t get it!” Rey threw her hands up in the air. Rose squinted at her, “You’ve done a lot of complaining about Ben and Kaydel lately.” Finn gave Rey a look, almost a sly smile, “Yeah…Kaydel sucks but she must really be grinding your gears.” “What are you implying?” Rey glared at Finn. “Nothing,” Poe chimed in now, “It’s okay. You don’t have to be all secretive, Rey. You love Ben and Ben loves you. Whatever.” “What? No. He’s like a brother!” Rey was practically shouting, so Rose kicked her leg, “Ow!” “Brother-sister, my ass. You love Ben and Ben is in love with you. Admit it,” Finn smiled again. Rey wanted to knock his teeth out. “No, he’s not. Shut up.” Poe rolled his eyes, “Yes, he is. It’s seriously like we aren’t even here when you two are together. Tell him you love him and he’ll break up with Kaydel in a heartbeat.” “We’re just friends,” Rey picked at her eggs, then put down her fork, “And don’t even lecture me on secret shit when everyone knows you two are together.” She was pointing at Finn and Poe. Poe’s face got red and Finn looked at the floor. “Knew it!” Rose grinned, then hugged Poe’s arm, “Rey’s right, though. You guys actually are the secret couple.” “Whatever,” Finn mumbled. They dropped it after that. ⋆ ⋆ ⋆ ⋆ ⋆ It was October now. Leaves were changing colors and Halloween decorations were all over town. But instead of enjoying the season, Rey was reading her horticulture textbook and Ben was writing a paper on chemical engineering in his apartment. It was tonight that he told her his news. “Kaydel and I are looking at cities to live in after I graduate.” He said it so casually, but he looked over at Rey with a nervous expression. Rey felt the inside of her stomach crumple. She told herself it was because she ate too much takeout earlier with him. “Oh, cool.” Rey looked back at her textbook quickly, biting at her lip so she wouldn’t cry. She told herself it was because she was about to start her period and the thought of Ben leaving in less than a year made her sad. Women were overly emotional around their period. Obviously. “We’re looking at Dallas. Dallas, Texas,” Ben said, his eyes back on his laptop. “Texas?” Ben glanced at Rey before returning to his laptop again, “Yeah. Texas.” “Y-You can’t go to Texas. I want to be there.” His brow furrowed and Ben shut his computer. “We can both be there.” “We’ll be too close.” “What?” Rey said, “It’s just you and me now. Kaydel won’t let us hang out. I know she doesn’t like me, Ben.” Rey shouldn’t have said that. And Ben shouldn’t have replied with what he did. “Kaydel doesn’t come before you, Rey.” “She should.” Ben didn’t say anything. Rey spoke again, feeling agitated. “You two aren’t even married. Or engaged.” “We don’t want to get married until we’re in our thirties and engagement is a long way out.” Rey stood and she knew her face was getting red as she spoke. “B-But why even move across the country with her, then? What if things change? You’ll be stuck with her in a city you’ve never even been to before! What if it doesn’t work? What are you going to do, Ben? She—You always decline her calls and seem annoyed with her! What if you guys break up?” Ben just gave her a small, “I’ll be okay.” She didn’t say anything after that. Just sat back down and chewed at her nails. Rey and Ben spent the rest of the night in silence. They eventually found a movie to watch and again, found themselves on the couch together with a blanket over them, under the guise of keeping each other warm. Their past discussion was behind them and that was obvious. But Rey still wanted to scream at him to take her to Dallas instead. But she just settled for his arm around her, his lips on her head, and Ben’s presence for now. ⋆ ⋆ ⋆ ⋆ ⋆ Rey refused to talk about Dallas. In fact, she was so mad at Ben’s choosing of states to live in with his girlfriend, seemingly to mock Rey, that she was viewing new states to live in, herself. Texas was no longer on her list. As the weeks rolled by, Rey realized, yet again, that she was losing time with Ben. She knew after they graduated that they’d never talk. Kaydel wouldn’t let Ben talk to Rey. Ben wouldn’t keep his word that Kaydel didn’t come before her. Rey would be forgotten. Just like she always had been forgotten. Ben didn’t seem like he was preparing to say goodbye. He talked to Rey about the neighborhoods in Dallas that he’d been researching. He was looking at jobs for her so she could start applying so they could go together. But Rey didn’t want that. She didn’t want to be Ben’s second choice for the rest of her life. So she looked for jobs in Atlanta, instead, and didn’t tell Ben.
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
Ben knew Rey didn’t have a family. No one to call her own. No one to go ‘home’ to. She never really had a ‘home’ anyway. Ever. So, when Christmas rolled around, Ben invited Rey to spend the holiday with him, Kaydel, and his mom. Rey almost said no. Rey should have said no. “I fucking hate these seats,” Ben grumbled on the plane. She shrugged, “They feel good to me.” “Airplane seats are the worst.” “I wouldn’t know,” Rey admitted. She’d never been on a plane. She took a boat over from the U.K. at fifteen years old, too scared to fly. Ben’s eyes went wide, “You’ve never been on a plane?” “Nope.” She started to shift in her seat. The plane was moving now. Ben could see Rey’s panicked stare and the rapid way her chest was rising and falling. He held her hand. Rey looked up at him and blinked. Ben then took her other hand and put it with his. He was holding both of her hands now. Friends did this. They were just friends, Rey told herself. He was helping her. “You’re scared.” Rey got defensive, “Well, aren’t you a detective?” She peeked behind Ben, out the window. The plane started to move faster down the runway. Ben put his forehead on hers, making Rey look at him instead of outside. The plane increased more in speed and Rey squeezed her eyes shut, her stomach churning. Then, Ben started to talk. “My mom makes really good cookies. I think you’ll like them. She likes it when people help her, but last year, Kaydel fucked them up. My mom didn’t talk to her for months. Maybe you can help her this time?” Rey slowly opened her eyes as Ben kept speaking, trying to soothe her. “My dad liked my mom’s cookies, too. You’d have really like him. He would have really like you, actually. He didn’t like anyone. Except my mom…sometimes.” Ben’s dad died a few years ago. He told her that one night after a few too many beers. “He’d like me?” Rey asked. Ben’s hands on hers squeezed a little tighter, “Yeah. A lot.” They were up in the air now, and turbulence was kicking in at full speed. After a big bump, Rey shut her eyes again. Ben’s hands left hers and the next thing Rey knew, she was being pushed into Ben’s side. The armrest was up, giving them room to lean across the seat. Ben’s hand on Rey’s shoulder squeezed her sweater and pulled her closer. His lips were in her hair again. He kissed her head over and over again, whispering between his kisses, “You’ll be okay.” And Rey was okay. ⋆ ⋆ ⋆ ⋆ ⋆ “I hate Christmas,” Rey spoke at baggage claim, “Reminds me of family…that I don’t have one, I mean.” The huge ornaments that hung from the airport’s ceiling were taunting her. “We’re family, aren’t we?” Ben asked, grabbing their luggage from the moving belt. “Are we?” “We’re close.” Rey didn’t say anything. She didn’t want to think of Ben as her family. Not in the way he thought about it. Ben’s mom picked them up from the airport. Rey had never met her, but she’d heard just enough. She was cold, wealthy, could probably kick Rey’s ass, and looked like she was just the sweetest thing. Scary combo. Ben showed Rey his childhood home. It was a large house for just one child to grow up in. Ben told her that he felt lonely a lot. Ben knew Rey understood. When they got to his room, they laughed at school trophies of his, old photos, and flipped through his middle school yearbook as they sat on his bed. Ben rested his arm behind Rey on the bed, his palm pushing into the mattress. She couldn’t help that the dip in the bed between them made her lean into him a little. “You have such big ears. You didn’t even try to hide them back then.” Rey pointed to Ben’s photo in the book, ears as big as satellites. Ben took the yearbook and tossed it on the ground, then started to tickle Rey, jabbing his fingers at her sides. “You’re such a bully, little Rey.” Ben laughed. Rey could barely hear him over her own laughing. He kept going, tickling Rey, until she was on her back on the bed, Ben now over her. He put his head in the crook of her neck and started to nuzzle his nose in a way that was tickling her there, too. Rey screamed and kicked her legs until they were around Ben’s hips. “My Rey is so mean,” he whispered, still attacking her sides. Maybe it was the ‘my’ or maybe it was his breath on her neck, or maybe even that he was on top of her, but Rey arched her back, meeting her chest with Ben’s. His hands at her sides slowly stopped moving, starting to rest there. Ben stopped moving his nose at her neck, and instead let his lips hover over her sensitive skin. His breath was hot. Rey was no longer giggling. Ben wasn’t either. She squeezed her legs a little, making Ben’s groin press against her cunt. Her leggings were thin. Rey told herself she didn’t mean to do that, but the thought quickly went away when Ben did it again, himself. She felt his dick, hard like she had felt before, rubbing against her. Rey sighed and pushed her head into his shoulder. “Ben.” Her voice was small. Pleading. Desperate. Ben rolled his hips against her again, his hot breath hitting her neck, but harder. More of a huff now. Ben whispered the same thing they told each other last June. “Friends make each other feel good.” “Yeah,” she breathed. He did it again, thrusting himself against Rey. She wanted more. Rey squeezed his hips with her legs, this time, definitely on purpose, and kept him pressed against her. She heard him groan in her neck and felt the vibrations of his deep voice on her skin. Ben finally took himself out of her neck, just to look at Rey. He pressed his forehead on hers, just like he’d done so many times. He let his eyes wander down to her lips, just like he’d done so many times, too. She knew if they kissed, then he’d definitely be cheating on Kaydel. Kissing was intimate. Kissing was special, Rey thought. She could tell Ben knew it, too, from the way his lips were barely touching hers, then moving away, then brushing them again. They weren’t kissing. Just touching. Rey put her hands in Ben’s hair, fingers through his black strands. Ben pushed his face closer to hers, pressing his forehead harder and his nose digging deep into her cheek, but their lips stayed lingering. And in this moment, Rey knew he’d never kiss her. Rey knew he’d never kiss her like she wanted. Because if he was ever going to kiss her, it would’ve been now. So Rey found herself lying there, Ben on top of her, nearly kissing her, with tears in her eyes. Rey loved Ben. She told herself that she didn’t for so long. But she did. And he didn’t love her back. Not really. Not enough to mean something. Not enough to kiss her. Ben furrowed his brow when he saw Rey’s eyes pricked with tears. Rey thought maybe his eyes were a little wet, too. He started to whisper, “There’s so much I wish you knew and I want to tell you so ba—” “Ben!” Leia called from downstairs. A little piece of Rey broke just then, remembering a world that existed outside of Rey and Ben. A world where Ben belonged, but Rey didn’t. A world that could never be theirs. Because Ben chose for it to be like that. “Yeah?” Ben called out, still hovering over Rey, eyes never breaking contact. “You have a call! It’s Kaydel!” Rey saw Ben frown, just barely. And just like that, Ben was gone to take Kaydel’s call. ⋆ ⋆ ⋆ ⋆ ⋆ The next few days were hell. Kaydel flew into town the next day and took every opportunity to talk over Rey. To steal Ben away when they were talking. To openly kiss him. To put her hands on his knee, his shoulder, his anything while Rey was in the room. But Rey won over Leia, helping her with her Christmas cookies. Leia didn’t let Kaydel near the kitchen. Rey told herself that it wasn’t a competition. But if it was, she’d be winning. ⋆ ⋆ ⋆ ⋆ ⋆ Rey and Ben got back to New Jersey the day after Christmas. They didn’t really talk the whole plane ride, but Ben held her hand as they took off and when they landed. They said quiet goodbyes to each other when they went inside their own apartments. Rey needed to stop being so reliant on Ben and more reliant on herself. She tried to hang out with Ben only in group settings for the next week. As the New Year approached, they were all going out again so Rose, Poe, Ben, Finn, and Rey could dance their way from December 31st, to January 1st. Ben and Rey were riding together over to Poe’s first, so a knock on her door at 9PM wasn’t unexpected. When she opened it, Ben had a gift in his hands. “We already traded gifts for Christmas, Ben.” Rey crossed her arms. “That was a stupid gift. This one is my real gift. I wanted you to open it by yourself.” She let him in and they sat on her couch. Rey looked at Ben suspiciously, “Why not give it to me a week ago when we got back? Just buy it from Target today on sale or something?” “No,” Ben shook his head and smiled at her, “This is the day I gave you your Christmas present last year. I wanted to keep the tradition.” Rey opened the gift. He got her little crystals that she liked. Ben didn’t believe in them, or the cool energy that Rey thought they brought her when she laid them around her apartment or on her arms, but Ben still got her some. He also gave her a nice book on plants and a few other items she’d mentioned in passing. Then, on the bottom was another box. A DNA kit. Rey held it up and knit her brow, looking at the words. “You said maybe you’d want to know one day…to find your family one day. You can find cousins, aunts, uncles, and all sorts of people with this if they’ve submitted theirs, too,” Ben noted, scooting closer to her. “It’s an online system, or something.” Rey didn’t know who her parents were. Who her family was. Just that one day, she was alone. Ben was right. She had told him once that it might be nice to know who some of her family was. Maybe not meet them, but just know that they were out there. That someone was out there. But Rey didn’t take Ben’s gesture as a kind one. Quietly, she thought out loud, “You’re leaving.” “What?” “You’re leaving in six months and you’re giving me this so I can have people besides you, aren’t you?” Rey stood from the couch, putting the box on her coffee table. “When you leave, you’ll just go be with Kaydel and plant yourself in the state I wanted to be in. To what? To torture me, Ben?” Rey didn’t realize she was yelling. She didn’t realize she was crying, either. Ben walked to her and reached out, trying to put his hands on her face, to comfort her maybe. Rey slapped them away. Then, she slapped his chest. Over and over. Rey made her hands into fists now, hitting Ben. And he stood there, taking it. Rey was crying, punching Ben’s chest, and he just took it. “You’re selfish, Ben!” She hit him more and screamed louder. “And cruel!” Rey didn’t know how long she hit him and cried for. She just knew that eventually, she got tired. Her fists stopped coming down on him so hard. Her cries turned more into soft, pathetic, whimpers, and Ben’s arms were around her, pulling her into the chest that she just beat on. Ben picked Rey up after a while, taking them both to her room. He laid her down and got in the bed with her, holding her. Rey’s face was buried in his chest and Ben’s lips were on Rey’s head again. Rey stopped crying after a while. “I’d never leave you, Rey,” he whispered in her hair. “Never. That’s not what I meant with my gift. Not at all.” Rey sniffled and took her face away from his chest that smelled like him, “Why are we in my bed, Ben?” She saw Ben twist his lips in the dark room. “Ben, why are we in my bed?” she asked again. “Friends comfort each other.” More silence passed. Rey nudged her nose on Ben’s. “I love you, Ben.” Ben nudged her nose back. “I love you, Rey. So much.” Rey told herself that he loved her like a friend. That Ben didn’t love her the way she needed him to. That she needed to get over Ben. Fast. They didn’t spend New Year’s with their friends that night. ⋆ ⋆ ⋆ ⋆ ⋆ Rey took her vow of avoiding situations with Ben alone more seriously now. She’d make excuses as to why she couldn’t come over and hang out with him. She also started dating. Rey thought it might be good for her. But soon after she started, Rey realized that she was only doing this because she wanted to not be a virgin, just like she told herself when she got Tinder last summer. But the only person she wanted to take her virginity was Ben. The only person she trusted with that was Ben. And she’d never be happy with herself if she gave it away so quickly. So, Rey stopped dating after that weird month of trying figure herself out. She started to hang out with Rose more. They quickly found themselves over at the other’s place every weekend, watching endless movies, eating endless pizza. Ben kept trying to come by, but Rey was always busy with something. At least, that’s what she told him. But one night in early March, Ben forced his way into her apartment as she offered him a lousy excuse as to why she couldn’t come over. “Ben, what the h—” “Kaydel and I are going to Dallas. To look at apartments. I have a job interview and—and I think I’m more than qualified. I’m assuming I’ll get it.” Rey thought she was better. Thought she grew in the two months she rarely spoke to Ben. She didn’t grow. She wasn’t better. Rey was right back to January, hopelessly in love with Benjamin Solo. And her heart was ripping out of her chest. “That’s nice. It should be warm there by now. Texas is nice and hot and I—” “Rey.” “Ben.” His hands were on his hips. He looked sad. Rey told herself she didn’t care. “Have fun. When do you leave?” She crossed her arms and stared at Ben in the eyes. Rey wanted him to think she didn’t care. That she wasn’t affected by this. Why would she be? They were friends. Just really good friends. “Friday.” Rey nodded slowly, “Okay. Cool.” Ben didn’t say anything, but he looked like he wanted to. He looked like he wanted Rey to say something, too. But Rey knew she didn’t have to. Rey knew, now, that it was up to Ben to say something. Do something. If he wanted to, he would. “Am I going to see you before I leave?” Ben finally spoke. Rey pretended to think, scratching her head. “I dunno. If you want—” “I want to.” They decided to see each other tomorrow, after Rey got off of work. They’d get a pizza. Play Call of Duty. Have a good night before Ben would leave for a few days. So they did, and it was normal for a few hours. Thursday night, Rey couldn’t count how many times Ben made her laugh. She couldn’t count how many times he touched her, either. How his hand would come up and touch her shoulder, or move to her thigh when they laughed. Ben fed her his pizza, because while they were adults, they were still stupid children. Rey gave Ben her crust and he called her a sociopath for not eating it, like he’d done many times before. Then, Ben looked at Rey. He looked at her mouth. Rey saw his hand rise and felt his thumb swipe at the corner of her lips. Her smile faded. She wanted to lick the red sauce off of his finger. She wanted to suck it. She wanted Ben to stay and be like this with her forever. But she didn’t take his thumb in her mouth. Because that’s not what this was anymore, Rey decided. Ben took it in his own instead, sucking the pad of his thumb. “Friends help ea—" Rey interrupted him, “No.” “No?” She shook her head and stood, “No, Ben.” Rey could tell Ben knew what she meant when he didn’t say anything. When he let her leave.
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
Rey set an alarm for 6AM so that she could catch Ben before he left. In her pajamas, she made her way out of her front door and knocked on Ben’s. He opened the door, a suitcase by his side. His eyes were a little puffy. He was sleepy. Rey wanted to tell him not to go. She wanted to tell him to get back in bed. She wanted to curl up beside him. Instead, she hugged him. “I hope you have fun.” Ben was initially stunned, she figured, because it took him a second to hug her back. But he did. And he hugged her hard. She was nearly being suffocated. That was okay. She didn’t mind. Ben kissed her cheek as he left. ⋆ ⋆ ⋆ ⋆ ⋆ Ben had been gone for three days now. Rey really missed him. She was with Rose, Finn, and Poe at the mall on a Sunday afternoon, listening to them gossip about people in their classes when she got a text from Ben.
Ben
🦋
Dallas is really gloomy today. Not sunny at all. Liar.
Rey☀️
probs because you’re there. grouch.
😜
Ben
🦋
Ha.
Even gloomy, it’s really pretty, though. The skyline is great.
I wish you could see it in person.
Rey☀️
told u it’s pretty there. especially when the sun’s out
🌞🌞🌞
I’ve seen loads of pics.
Ben
🦋
When you move here, you won’t have to look at pictures anymore.
Rey☀️
maybe.
Ben
🦋
I miss you, Rey.
Rey☀️
I miss you 2.
how’s kay?
Ben
🦋
She doesn’t like it here now that we’re looking around.
But I do.
Maybe I just won’t take her. I’ll leave her in Colorado or something.
Rey☀️
funny.
Ben
🦋
I’ve got to go. Kay’s getting mad that I’ve been on my phone. I’ll see you tomorrow?
Rey☀️
yeah, tomorrow!😁 ⋆ ⋆ ⋆ ⋆ ⋆ What happened the other night when she left was long forgotten, just like things always were. There was so much they didn’t talk about. Discuss. Mention. Ben are Rey were cowards. They pretended like there wasn’t something incredibly wrong with how their relationship worked. What it formed into. When Ben got back into town, he brought Rey a Dallas snow globe and a keychain from the botanical garden that he went to. Plants were Rey’s thing, so he told her when she was there with him in the fall, they’d have to go together. Rey smiled and pretended like what he was saying made sense to her. ⋆ ⋆ ⋆ ⋆ ⋆ April rolled around quickly. It was getting warmer in Jersey, and on particularly hot days, everyone went to the pool at Ben and Rey’s complex. Poe brought beer. Rose brought chips. Finn brought himself. Rey climbed on Ben’s shoulders to play chicken in the pool against Poe and Rose. Rey and Ben knocked them down in the first three seconds. Three times in a row. To celebrate, Ben carried Rey all around the pool on his back as Rey giggled in his ear. When they reached the shallow end, Ben moved Rey to face him. Her legs were still around his waist, hands around his neck, chests against each other. “I wish there were a national championship for chicken. We’d win. If there were an Olympic sport for it, we’d get gold,” Rey told Ben, then noticed his hair. “I love when the mop is wet. I can see those ears, final—” Ben dunked her under water. Rey came back up and inhaled as much air as she could, now with a burning rage for Ben. “Fucker!” She lunged at him, jumping and trying to push him down, too. He was just too damn big, though. Ben caught Rey and held her close as she kicked at him, trying to get away so she could try to dunk him again. “Get a room, Jesus,” Finn muttered. Rey forgot they were there. Ben and Rey’s laughs quickly stopped and they separated themselves from the other. She got out of the pool and sat on a chair, where she laid out for a while with Rose, who whispered to Rey that Ben loved her. Rey gave her the finger. The guys were discussing beer as they stood by a table of snacks, and Ben told them about this new stout he liked. He was walking inside to grab two for Finn and Poe when Rey caught up with him, wanting to grab a water for herself. They walked inside, Ben in his swimming trunks and Rey in her now dry bikini. They looked like they belonged in a beach town. “The weather is perfect, my friends are here, school is nearly over.” Rey grinned, filling up a cup of water from Ben’s Brita. “I love today!” Ben gave her a small smile as he grabbed the beers from the fridge. He looked sad. “What’s wrong?” Rey put the Brita away and walked to Ben, her hand on his bare shoulder. “I got the job. Officially. I’ll move in June.” Rey was completely still for a moment. Then, she put on the biggest smile of her life and wrapped her arms around Ben’s neck, hugging him. “That’s so exciting, Ben! I’m really happy for you!” she lied. Rey shut her eyes as she hugged him. She pretended like he didn’t just tell her that. She pretended that she was in a parallel universe where she was hugging him for a different reason. For any other reason. Eventually, Rey let go and stepped back. “I have news, too.” Ben looked up from the floor. “News?” “Yeah,” Rey smiled, “The City of Atlanta wants me. Horticulturalist. Pretty bad ass.” Ben squinted at her. “Atlanta?” Rey pressed her lips together and leaned on the counter, “Yeah. I have an offer in Austin, too, but Atlanta seems like it could be fun. A nice change. I heard the culture there is great. Lots of good food and it’s a big site for filming movies and TV, so maybe I’ll see some actors or something.” Ben cocked his head to the side. It was like he couldn’t believe what he was hearing. What Rey was saying. “You wanted Texas,” he stated, flat. Rey shrugged, “You can have Texas, Ben.” She said that as if it were a place to claim. A place they were fighting for. But it wasn’t. Not really. Rey wasn’t trying to claim Texas. She was trying to claim her heart, she told herself. Giving up Texas could do that, she figured. Ben walked over to her. It was the first time she’d seen him look mad at her. Truly mad. “We’re supposed to go together, Rey,” he spit and set the beers on the counter behind her. “Me and you. Together.” That made Rey angry. Very angry. “So you can balance Kaydel and I? So when she makes you upset, you can come to me? So when you need someone to laugh with, you’ll have me there?” Rey was yelling again. She always yelled when she didn’t mean to. She continued, “And what do I have? Who do I have?” She felt tears on her cheeks. Rey whispered, “No one, Ben. I have no one.” “You have me.” She shook her head. She didn’t have Ben. Not really, she realized. Ben would always be stuck between them, her and Kaydel, but he’d always be Kaydel’s and she’d always be his. Because that’s what a relationship should be like. And Rey would be alone. Just like she always was. “I don’t have you, Ben,” Rey shook her head. “Not in the way I want to.” Ben took Rey’s hand, giving her a look. It wasn’t a look of sadness. It was more like numbness. “I don’t have you in the way I want to, either.” Rey frowned. She didn’t understand. Rey took her hand away from Ben’s and screamed, “Then do something about it! God, Ben, you are such a fucking pussy!” Ben ran the same hand Rey slapped through his hair and turned around, stating in a broken voice, “I can’t.” Rey ran to Ben and shoved his back, pushing him. “I hate you Ben! Do you know how easy it’d be?” He turned around and stood there, preparing to take her blows just like he’d done on New Year’s. “It’d be so easy if we never met!” she shoved him again, crying, “I wish I never would have met you, Ben! I was fine by myself! I was fine!” Another shove that Ben took. “You pretend like you love me in a real way!” Another shove. “And you tell me things that make me think you do!” Another shove. “And you’ve slept in my bed and I’ve slept in yours and we never talk about it! W-We did things and we felt things and we never talked! We never fucking talk like we need to!” “Rey.” She wouldn’t look at Ben. Not now. Not when she knew he was crying. She could hear it in his voice from the way he said her name. “And you expect me to go to Texas? To Dallas? When you’ll be there with her? After you sabotaged me, knowing that Texas is where I wanted to be? Fuck you, Ben. You know you can’t have us both. Kaydel will never let you see me and after two years of this with you, I don’t know if I want to see you either!” Another shove. “I can’t be this play-thing with you!” Another shove. “You hurt me, Ben! You always fucking hurt me!” Her words were muffled as her face was pushed into Ben’s bare chest. He grabbed her arm and pulled her in.She didn’t resist. “You know you’re the only one I have and you hurt me all the time.” Her voice was quieter now. “I don’t want you to hurt me anymore, Ben.” Ben kissed the top of her head. She felt little droplets of tears on her scalp. He spoke into her hair, “I just wish I could tell you things you should know, but I can’t.” Rey clung to his skin and cried harder into it. Ben made no sense. She would never understand this. “I hate you, Ben,” Rey cried, “I hate you. I hate you.” She repeated that over and over again in whispers. As she broke in Ben’s arms, she felt him break, too. “I love you, Rey. Love you so much. Love you.” He kissed her head more, whispering, “Love you more than anything.” She was telling him she hated him while he was telling her he loved her. If she could rewind time and go back to that night in the library, she would have left an hour earlier. She would have never talked to her neighbor. Never looked at him. Never known Ben Solo. “Rey.” Ben took her face in his hands and leaned down, getting on her level, eye to eye, “I have to—I need to say that—My dad—It’s complicated. He—His friend—It’s Kaydel’s—” “Where the beers at?” Poe barged into Ben’s living room, door swinging open, “Oh fuck.” Poe probably thought he walked right into a soap opera. Rey broke away from Ben’s hands on her face and left through his front door, passing Poe. She didn’t look at him. She heard Ben’s fist hit a wall as she went into her own apartment to clean up before going back out to face her friends, putting on a smile. ⋆ ⋆ ⋆ ⋆ ⋆ The next few weeks were hard. Ben and Rey hung out together in groups, but didn’t talk. When Finn, Poe, and Rose didn’t take no for an answer to play games, Rey always grabbed Rose by the arm and demanded to be on her team. When it was Ben’s turn for charades, Rey would get up and pretend to use the restroom. This happened every weekend until graduation. Because Rose, Finn, Poe, and Rey were all in the same program, they got to graduate together around 2PM. Ben came with his mom and Kaydel, watching each of them walk the stage. Rey heard Ben’s loud cheering from the stands when she walked. Ben’s own graduation was right after, so they didn’t have a chance to chat. Rey told herself she didn’t want to, anyway. Rey told herself many things, and she started to realize how much she lied. She watched Ben in his seat. His leg was bouncing nervously. She texted him. Rey☀️
walking is easy. you’ll be ok.
Ben
🦋
You can see my leg shaking from up there?
Rey☀️
yeah. I think god can, too. all the way up from heaven. :P
⋆ ⋆ ⋆ ⋆ ⋆ He didn’t respond for a minute.
⋆ ⋆ ⋆ ⋆ ⋆
Ben
🦋
Hey, I missed you.
I will miss you, I mean.
When you go to Atlanta.
⋆ ⋆ ⋆ ⋆ ⋆ Rey didn’t tell Ben that she wasn’t going to Atlanta. Austin was going to pay her more, so two weeks ago, she took it. She’d be in Texas. Four hours away from Ben and Kaydel. She wasn’t planning on telling Ben at all. ⋆ ⋆ ⋆ ⋆ ⋆ Rey☀️
I’ll miss you when u go to dallas.
wanna hang tomorrow night? me and you? call of duty and pizza?
Ben
🦋
Yes. I’d really like that. Kaydel and my mom leave in the morning.
Rey☀️
It’s a deal.
⋆ ⋆ ⋆ ⋆ ⋆ Ben’s leg stopped shaking, Rey noticed. As Ben walked across the stage, one degree hotter—everyone except Rey and Ben hated that joke—Rey screamed and shouted for Ben, along with the others. When his ceremony was over, everyone waited outside for Ben to finally come out. Finn, Rose, and Poe were taking selfies, and Kaydel was on the phone with God knows who, so Leia and Rey were talking as they waited. Rey was explaining horticulture when Leia interrupted her. “You look sad, love,” Leia noted, glancing at Rey before returning her gaze to the crowd, looking for Ben. Rey smiled, “Oh, I’m not sad. I’m a degree hotter now, so…” She winked. Leia didn’t laugh. Right. Leia’s eyes were still scanning the crowd as she replied, “You can smile all you want, Rey. Your eyes don’t hide your feelings.” Rey tensed her jaw, then took a sip of her water bottle. Rey told herself the woman didn’t know what she was talking about. “I gave him my mother’s ring. To propose,” Leia stated. Rey’s lips started to buzz, her cheeks got hot, and she knew in a moment, she’d be crying. That was the signal for her. Instead of crying, though, she replied, “Oh. That’s nice.” Leia let a moment of silence pass between them. “I didn’t want to give it to him.” She let another moment pass. “I don’t think he wanted me to give it to him yet, either.” Then, Leia told her something. She told her something that sent Rey’s stomach even further into the ground than it had already gone. Rey stared at the sky, going over Leia’s words. It was never going to be Rey. And now Rey knew why. “I don’t know why you’re telling me this. Ben is a close friend,” Rey said softly. “I don’t—we don’t—" Leia took Rey’s phone from her other hand as she noted casually, “Ben has time, love.” She moved Rey in front of her and held up the phone. “Smile, dear. You need a good picture on your graduation day.” Rey didn’t smile. Not at first. She didn’t smile until she felt Rose, Finn, and Poe come up next to her and take over the photo. As the camera flashed and Leia gave Rey her phone back, she was left with that pang in her heart. The pang she’d felt so many times before. Now, Rey knew that Ben was going to propose. Maybe not today. Maybe not tomorrow. Maybe not in the next six months or six years, but at some point, he was going to propose to the wrong person with his grandmother’s ring. And her heart panged. Hurt. Twinged. Stabbed. Wrenched. All of the synonyms. She felt them all. Because she knew it was never going to be her, and she knew exactly why. Ben finally found the group, making his way through the crowd, and Rey could see his head poking above everyone else. He went straight to Rey, opening his arms, engulfing her in a hug. “Hi, Rey. I heard you scream.” “Hi, Ben. I heard you scream, too.” Rey decided she wouldn’t say anything to Ben about what his mother told her. That was up to Ben. He didn’t need to know she knew. He had to do that by himself. He had to choose her by himself. Rey told herself that he’d never do that. Leia took a picture of the five of them. Then, she took a picture of Ben and Rey. Rey didn’t want to let go, but she had to.“I’ve got to run, everyone!” she announced, peeling off of Ben’s side when the photo was over. His hand ran down her arm as she broke free, lingering on her skin for as long as it could. “You aren’t coming to dinner with us?” Finn asked, almost flabbergasted. Poe and Rose asked the same thing, their noses scrunched. “No, I’ve got plans.” Lie. Rey was lying. And Ben knew she was lying, too. She knew he’d know. But she needed time to think. To be by herself. To analyze the last two years through this very new lens. “You guys have fun, though!” Rey flashed a smile and hugged everyone, minus Kaydel. Ben’s brow was furrowed in confusion, Rey saw, as he watched her turn to leave. He grabbed her hand. “I know, Ben. I know.” Rey gave a polite smile and Ben dropped his hand. She waved to everyone goodbye, once again. Rey went to the nearest pizza place, grabbed a large pepperoni and a Sprite, then went home to start packing her first box for her big move to Austin. And again, Rey was alone. Always alone.
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
But she wasn’t the only person who felt like that. Ben had always felt alone, too. His parents were always gone growing up. He was cursed with being an introvert. He had no siblings. So, he lived that way, too. Alone. Ben tried not to cling to people for too long. It’d never last. Friendships were hard for him. He dated around but the girls he was with always said he was too emotionally unavailable. Because he wanted to be. Being alone was easy. It was quiet. It was just for him. But he couldn’t be alone for long. Not in the way he wanted. Ben had run from his family for so long after the age of fifteen, when his parents told him. Told him about their family friend. His daughter. Their nice last name. Told him about what was expected of him. But Ben liked being alone. So, he ran. Literally. He went to his uncle’s for a while—a recluse, just like Ben wanted to be—but when his dad got sick, Ben made a point to be there. He moved back home for his freshman year of college to do something. Make amends, maybe. When he got home, Han reminded him of the expectation that was on Ben. The promise. The agreement between families. He didn’t think this happened anymore, arranged marriages. Not in the United States. Not in the 2000s. But in wealthy families, it did. It happened all the time. It happened all the time and it was happening to Ben with this girl from California that he’d met a few times at get togethers, galas, summer vacations. Ben wanted to throw something. He always wanted to throw something. But he didn’t. He thought maybe it was a joke when he was fifteen, or maybe because he left—ran—that Han would drop it. But Han didn’t. It was a promise. An agreement. An alliance. And Ben felt like he couldn’t say no. His dad was dying. He had to make him proud. He had to help the family he ran away from for so long. If he had to date and marry this girl—this girl he found annoying and loud—then he was willing to do that. For his dad. For his dad that was dying. Han had been gone for a year by the time Ben and Kaydel officially started dating in college. She was a freshman, he was a senior. Kaydel’s family made her go to the same school as Ben. She hated Colorado though, almost as much as she hated her parents. Kaydel hated a lot of things, but not Ben. Ben thought maybe things would change for him. A girl around—one that couldn’t really leave without her trust fund held against her, granted—would be good. He’d grow. He’d learn to be like his father. The good side of his father. He’d make his dad proud. Ben would change. He’d be more optimistic. But Ben still felt incredibly alone. Kaydel didn’t get his jokes. She didn’t understand his studies. But she tried to love Ben. Tried to be what everyone around the both of them was expecting her to be. What they were expecting her and Ben to be. Ben could tell that she pushed herself to find a connection with Ben in a different way. A way that Kaydel knew. She took every chance to take him back to her dorm, try to make out with him, try to touch him. Feel him. Make him feel her. But he never let her do anything, always saying he was tired or that he wasn’t ready. Still, Kaydel tried every day, Ben knew. He just couldn’t give it back to her. Not yet. A year into their relationship, Ben moved to New Jersey, breaking free from Colorado. Breaking free from Kaydel as she finished undergrad. Her parents weren’t happy, but her father gave been the ‘look’ and told him he trusted Ben to keep his father’s word. To make his father proud. Ben needed to make his father proud. So Ben did. Or—he tried. But then, he met Rey. He didn’t want to walk her home that rainy September night, he told himself. But he’d been staring at her all night in the library. He liked the color of her hair, a pretty brown. He liked the way she wore it in three buns on her head, stacked atop one another. He liked how she chewed on her pen and looked at her textbook as if she were reading hieroglyphics, her nose scrunched. Ben didn’t want to walk her home, but when it started to storm and they were both still at the library, nearly closed, Ben knew he had to. He was a nice guy, he told himself. He didn’t mean to spend so much time with her after that. He didn’t mean to let her become a staple in his apartment. He didn’t mean to get so attached to Rey. Ben thought he wanted to be alone. He thought he’d be alone for a while in New Jersey, away from Kaydel. But Ben felt less alone with Rey. And he didn’t mind. When Rey asked why he was dating Kaydel, Ben told Rey that he loved her. That Rey heard the bad, but not the good. And love outweighed the bad. But he didn’t. He didn’t love Kaydel. It was easier to tell her this than explain his situation. Rey wouldn’t understand. No one would. So, he kept that part of his family business to himself. He told Rey that he loved Kaydel when he really didn’t. Not at all. Ben thought he could keep Rey around. Forget about Kaydel every once in a while. Spend time with the person that he really wanted to be with, instead of with the person he’d promised his dad he’d marry. But Ben was finding it harder and harder to act as just a friend to Rey. He wanted her. More than he should. He convinced himself that by spending those nights with her, the nights where he slept with her or when they made each other feel good before they were stopped, Ben was just being a friend. He told himself a lot of things. Ben told himself that nothing they did meant anything. Ben told himself that it didn’t hurt him when Kaydel called and he saw Rey’s face fall every time. Ben told himself that he wasn’t chipping away with each realization that he couldn’t be with Rey. Because that’s not what they were. They were just friends. And he had a girlfriend. A future fiancé. A future wife. He told himself that the way he touched Rey was okay. The way they spent so much time together. The way he would put his lips in her hair, just to feel her. He told himself he was soothing her. He was really just soothing himself. Ben knew he loved Rey in October. When he told Rey that he wanted to go to Texas. He’d take Kaydel, but he’d be with Rey. That’s where Rey wanted to be. He’d follow her. He’d be with her. Not the way he wanted to, but he’d be with her. Ben told himself that it was okay. That Rey would be okay. That they would be okay. Ben lied a lot to himself. On the plane home for Christmas, when Ben comforted Rey as it was taking off, he spoke of his dad. Han would love Rey. Rey wouldn’t like him, probably, but he’d love Rey. Ben told himself it didn’t matter. He was still trying to make his dad proud. Still going to be with Kaydel. But Ben never forgot that he knew Han would love Rey. He kept replaying that thought every time he heard her laugh. Or when she danced. Or when she chewed her food too loud. Or when she baked him banana bread a billion times. Or when she tripped on her own feet because she was clumsy. During those moments, Ben’s heart would hurt. It’d hurt because they were reminders. Reminders of how much he loved Rey. Little things about Rey. Ben wanted to tell himself that it’d be okay to leave Kaydel.To run away again.Run away with Rey. Because his dad would like her. He’d make him proud by being with her instead. But then he’d stare at his dad’s framed photo in his living room. He looked at the man that shaped him. He looked at the man who he made a promise to before he died. And Ben told himself that him and Rey would be okay as friends. ⋆ ⋆ ⋆ ⋆ ⋆ Kaydel was insistent on coming to every Christmas with Ben, after all, she hated her family. But Ben wanted to spend Christmas with someone he really loved. So, the second Christmas that they knew each other, Ben invited Rey. The moment on his bed—the moment he replayed many times after—made Ben’s heart break. He wanted to kiss Rey. He wanted to tell her he loved her. He wanted to tell Kaydel’s pilot to make a u-turn and fly back to Colorado. But his dad kept popping up in his head. He had to make his dad proud. Ben told himself again, that he and Rey would be okay like this. In this loop. In this painful loop. So he didn’t kiss her. He made her cry. And later, alone in his room after kicking Kaydel out to a guest room, he cried too. ⋆ ⋆ ⋆ ⋆ ⋆ When Rey told Ben she was thinking of taking a job in Atlanta, Ben’s first reaction was anger. She was leaving him. She was deserting him. He thought they’d have Texas. They deserved Texas. When she yelled at him and beat her hands and fists on his chest for a second time, Ben realized. Rey said that she hated him. That he hurt her. She loved him so much that she hated him. And Ben cried again. He punched his wall. He threw a glass beer bottle at a cabinet. He kicked his couch. He shoved Poe when he tried to help. When he tried to stop Ben from being so destructive. That’s what Ben was. Destructive. He destroyed his family as he grew up. He was destroying Kaydel. She was capable of so much more. Could be with someone who really liked her. He was destroying Rey. His Rey. He hurt her. He destroyed her for the past two years. He told himself he wasn’t hurting her. He told himself that if they were friends, everything would be okay. He told himself in those two years that they could go on like this. They could be okay with each other, even if they weren’t with each other. But it destroyed her. Ben destroyed her. And he was destroying himself. Ben told himself a lot of things. He told himself that he needed to stay away from Rey. From Kaydel. From everything he destroyed. Everything that he thought would make his dad proud. They texted about hanging out, but he knew it’d never happen. She wouldn’t come over. So, as she left and he grabbed her hand, Ben said goodbye. Letting go. She’d go to Atlanta. He’d go to Dallas. Rey would be free of Ben’s destruction. Of everything he put her through. Of the ways he hurt the girl he loved. ⋆ ⋆ ⋆ ⋆ ⋆ Ben called Kaydel’s dad that night. Told him the set up wouldn’t work anymore. Told him that Ben wasn’t good for Kaydel. Because he wasn’t. Her father told Ben that Han would be disappointed in him. Ben told himself he didn’t care. It was the first time Ben told himself something and he didn’t lie. ⋆ ⋆ ⋆ ⋆ ⋆ Ben stayed with Leia for a while in Washington while his lease in New Jersey finished up. He told his mom that he loved Rey. He told her he broke everything. He told her that he hated his dad. That he hated himself, too. Leia just gave him a small smile. “Time.” That was all she said. Two weeks into his stay in Washington, Ben got a call. It was a phone number from Austin, Texas. He answered. A big company in Austin wanted him as a chemical engineer. The starting salary was huge. Ben didn’t care about money—not really—but money was nice. He heard Austin was a great place to be, too. Cleaner. Greener. Sunnier. Ben said fuck it. He told them yes and ditched the plans he made in Dallas. He’d go to Austin. During the last week of the month, he went back to New Jersey to pack his things. Poe, Finn, and Rose helped him. Rey was already gone and moved. She left a week ago in her car, a little UHaul trailer behind her, Rose told Ben. The three friends knew where Rey was going. Rey told them not to mention Austin to him. So, Ben hoped Rey would like Atlanta, and he thought about her his whole drive down to Texas and didn’t think twice about Finn, Poe, and Rose’s little, sly smiles as he drove away. Ben settled in Austin fairly quickly. He liked his job. He liked his coworkers. He liked the area. But he didn’t like being alone. He wanted Rey. He told himself every night when he missed her that it was for the best. To be alone. Figure himself out. Work on himself. Maybe go to therapy. Everyone could use a little therapy. Austin was a fresh start. A cleanse. And while Ben wished he had Rey, the girl that he had broken, Ben needed to repair himself first. So he did. ⋆ ⋆ ⋆ ⋆ ⋆ Rey loved Austin. She loved the weather. She loved her job. She loved being surrounded by the rolling hills and the nice trees and the river and the big parks. But Rey didn’t like being alone. Not really. Not anymore. Every day after work, she’d get off, go home, unlock her apartment door, and look at the door next to hers. Expecting Ben to be inside. Her neighbor. But he wasn’t. Rey would walk in, set her things down, sit on her couch, and eat a bowl of cereal for dinner a lot. She wanted to call Ben. She had a natural reaction to. She wanted to call Ben and tell him to come over. They could cook spaghetti. Or order a pizza. She could come over to his place and play Call of Duty. He could touch her shoulder again. He could touch her thigh again. But instead, Rey never called Ben. She just sat on her couch in Austin, Texas, put the crystals Ben gave her all over the room, all over her body, hoping for better energy. But that energy never came. Ben was right. Crystals were bullshit. ⋆ ⋆ ⋆ ⋆ ⋆ Summer in Austin was a bitch. Rey liked the heat, though. She liked when the temperatures would rise so high that she would sweat when she walked to her car, fifty feet away from her apartment. Today, she walked to her car and drove to therapy. Her first appointment. Rey was nervous, but she knew she needed it. She needed coping mechanisms. She needed ways to help her find herself. She needed to explore her past. Rey never used that DNA kit that Ben gave her. She told herself she’d talk to her new therapist about it. See if it was something good. Something helpful for her, maybe. So, she walked into the office, head held high. That’s what she’d been trying to do lately. Hold her head high. She cried on her poor therapist’s chair a lot as the weeks went by. She used up all of Dr. Holdo’s tissues and ended up just bringing her own because she felt so bad. But Rey thought that therapy was helping. Healing. She talked about Ben. A lot. How she missed him. How she hopes he’s okay. How she hopes Kaydel is okay. How she hopes their relationship is better now that there’s some distance between them. But Rey also talked about how she wanted him. Needed him, sometimes, she thought. Rey told Dr. Holdo that she thought about calling him. Telling him to leave Kaydel for her. But she never did. Rey remembered that wasn’t her job. Dr. Holdo just watched Rey talk with a sad look on her face when she spoke about Ben. Because Rey was grieving. Grieving a friendship. A relationship. Grieving love that she felt. Still felt. But Rey knew she’d be okay. She knew she’d be okay and that Ben would be okay. They’d be okay by themselves. And maybe someday they could meet up. After Rey was healed. After time had passed. Someday. They just needed time.
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
Ben had been in therapy for a few months now. He learned a lot about himself. How he viewed himself. How he viewed those around him. How he reacted. How he could learn new ways to react. How he could be a better communicator. Dr. Holdo was really great with him. He told her about Rey. Ben couldn’t say her name though, not yet. He was still so angry at himself. He didn’t think he was allowed to say her name. He wasn’t worthy. So he called her Kira, instead, in his sessions. He told Dr. Holdo how he was a terrible person for what he did to her. How he hurt her. How he hurt Kaydel, too. How he didn’t want to do that to anyone again. And they talked through it. And it helped. And Ben felt like he was growing. Moving forward. He could never be that person for Rey. She was far away in Atlanta. But he wouldn’t make the same mistake again. He wouldn’t hurt anyone again. For the first person he really loved. For her. For Rey. He wouldn’t hurt anyone else. Dr. Holdo told him to write her a letter. He could send it if he wanted, or didn’t have to. So, Ben wrote Rey a letter. ⋆ ⋆ ⋆ ⋆ ⋆
Rey.
I miss you. I miss the three buns on your head. The ones I always flicked and you’d get angry at me. But I know I messed up. I know I hurt you. I know you hate me.
I took advantage of our friendship. I took advantage of you. Of Kaydel. I’m so sorry.
I never loved Kaydel. Not like I loved you. I was arranged to be with her since we were young. Family names are important to people like my dad. I promised him I’d be with her. It’s stupid, now that I think about it. I thought I couldn’t let other people down by leaving her. I thought I needed to stay.
I can’t think of a bigger mistake I’ve made in my life.
(Even the time I got arrested in high school for spraying my high school with graffiti.)
And I’m so sorry I never told you.
I’m so sorry I never left her for you.
I’m sorry for never telling you I loved you. I’m sorry for never telling you I loved you in the way I truly meant it.
Because I love you so much.
I love you.
I love your hair. I love your eyes. I love your name. I love your crystals. I love your plants. I love your banana bread. I love your pizza crust even though you don’t.
I love you.
I’m so sorry I never told you how much I love those things.
I’m so sorry I never told you how much I loved you.
I’m so sorry I let you go.
I’m so sorry I hurt you.
I love you.
I hope you can forgive me one day.
I don’t expect you to. And that’s okay. I wouldn’t.
But I miss you.
And I’m sorry.
I love you.
You’ll always be the first person I loved. My Rey.
Ben.
⋆ ⋆ ⋆ ⋆ ⋆ He’d never send the letter. It was just for him. And it helped. Helped him remember how much he hurt her. Helped him remember how much he wasted. Helped him remember that he was growing. Changing. Just because he was healing, though, it didn’t mean he didn’t think about her every day still. Ben wondered a lot of things about Rey. He wondered what she was doing. If she was dating around. Being a normal young adult in a new city. If she still had those cactus socks. All those snow globes he got her. If she still ate pizza like nobody’s business. If she still didn’t eat the crust. Ben wondered if she threw them away. Or if she had someone new to give them to. He wondered if she still had those crystals. He wondered if she kept the t-shirt she stole from him. She liked the way it was big on her. She liked the way it smelled like him, she told him once after too many glasses of wine. So she stole it, and he let her. He wondered, though, if she didn’t have any of those things anymore. He wondered if she threw them away. Ben pictured the snow globes in the Atlanta dump. The cactus socks at a Goodwill that she donated them to. The crystals at the bottom of a lake that she threw them in out of hatred for Ben. Ben wondered if she was happy. Ben wondered if she was safe. Ben wondered if she was alone. Ben wondered if she missed him. Ben wondered if she still loved him. He still loved her. ⋆ ⋆ ⋆ ⋆ ⋆ Ben was spending Thanksgiving alone this year. He didn’t like to travel for the holidays, anyway. Leia would be off with her friends in Mexico to celebrate the holiday, Poe, Finn, and Rose were scattered across the country now, their own lives to worry about, so it was just Ben this year. Like it had been before he met Rey. That was okay. He could be alone for a while again. Ben loved Austin.He really did. But everything was so goddamn…hipster. He knew Rey would love it here. If only he just let her have Texas. Ben walked around a local market to get a turkey for his own little Thanksgiving. He walked by the meat section and came upon ‘meatless’ turkey, whatever that meant. Again, he thought to himself that Rey would love it here. He grabbed a turkey with real turkey meat and went to the vegetable section, picking out more groceries. That afternoon, he went home and put everything away, then sat in his apartment. He just sat. And he thought about Rey again. So, he did what he usually did when he thought about Rey now. He didn’t punch a wall or throw a lamp or kick the door. Ben got in his car and drove to Zilker Park. It was big. You could see the Austin skyline peeking out over the trees. It was peaceful. He could think of Rey. Be surrounded by things that Rey liked. Trees. Plants. Green. And he could just think. So that’s what Ben did. ⋆ ⋆ ⋆ ⋆ ⋆ Rey spent the last six months in Austin thriving. She made friends at work. She made friends at karaoke bars. Rey really loved karaoke. She made friends at pottery classes. She made friends everywhere she went. Rey went to farmer’s markets with her new friends on the weekends. She shopped at the most organic grocery stores. She went to loads of concerts. Visited all the parks in the city. Rey was happy. Rey was thriving. Dr. Holdo told her she was thriving, too.She helped Rey with a lot, giving her new techniques, breathing exercises, all the things. One activity she made Rey do was write a letter to Ben. At first, Rey was reluctant. She didn’t know what to write. But when she sat down and just did it, it came easy. ⋆ ⋆ ⋆ ⋆ ⋆
Ben,
I miss you. You fucking idiot. Big idiot. Fucking dumb ass. Sorry. Just needed to get that out right away.
I hope you’re well.
Really. I mean it.
I hope Kaydel’s well, too. Does she still dye her hair even though everyone knows she’s not a natural blonde? (sorry, I had to)
I’m not in Atlanta. I’m in Austin. I moved here instead.
I chose Texas.
I’ve thought about finding you in Dallas. I’ve thought about surprising you. Seeing you.
But I couldn’t tell if I would hug you or kill you. No offense.
Also, I know. I know about Kaydel and her family and all the things. Your mom told me. Are you engaged yet? Are you happy?
I’m happy.
I miss you like crazy, but I’m happy.
Austin is nice.
It’s really green.
I wish you could see it with me.
I don’t really understand you and what you did, why you dragged me around like that for so long, but after some therapy (yeah I go to that shit now) I realized that I don’t have to understand. I don’t think it was fair to me or Kay and I don’t know your reasoning for never telling me or for never going against your dad’s agreement, but like I said, I don’t need to understand.
I just wish you told me, though.
I wish you chose me, really.
I think about you every day. That’s dumb. I know. But I do.
I still love you. It’s hard to love you. You’re a dipshit (full offense this time).
But I still do.
Love you.
I love you, Ben.
I don’t know what else to say.
Maybe that I forgive you.
Yeah. I’ll end with that.
I love you and I forgive you.
Dumb ass.
Ok bye.
Your Rey.
⋆ ⋆ ⋆ ⋆ ⋆ She’d never send the letter. It was just for her. And it helped. Just because she was healing, though, it didn’t mean she didn’t think about him every day still. When she went to the store and passed by the tofu, she smiled, knowing Ben would scoff at that stuff. When she saw bands in concert, Rey remembered how their music taste was the same. That he’d like to go to the same concert as her. And once, Rey thought she saw him at a Fleet Foxes concert downtown. But she got pulled away by a friend before she could get a good look at the tall man with his redhead friend. Rey wondered about Ben, even after six months of no contact. Wondered if he was still with Kaydel. If he was still doing what his dad expected of him. If he was happy. She wanted him to be happy. Rey wondered if he still played Call of Duty. Rey wondered if he still threw his controller down in anger every time he got killed. The thought made her smile. Rey wondered if he liked Dallas. His new job. His new life. She hoped he did. Rey wondered if Ben thought about her. If Ben thought about what he did to her. How he hurt her. Rey wondered if he was sorry, all these months later.She didn’t need him to tell her. She just wondered. Rey hoped he was, just so he couldn’t make that mistake with Kaydel. She didn’t deserve that. She was a bitch, Rey thought, but she didn’t deserve that. Rey wondered about Ben all the time. Rey wondered if he still loved her. She still loved him. ⋆ ⋆ ⋆ ⋆ ⋆ Rey ended up doing the DNA testing kit, sending it in, and looking at the results. She saw where her ancestry was and where her family was in real time. She had distant cousins in the U.K. A twice removed something over there, too. A couple people were scattered in the U.S. No parents or siblings in the system, though. That was okay. She never did anything with the information. Never reached out. Never wandered on Facebook to look at the people who shared her blood. She didn’t need to. She was okay by herself. So, Rey clicked out of the browser and never looked at it again. Knowing someone was out there enough. ⋆ ⋆ ⋆ ⋆ ⋆ Rey liked to spend her weekends in friends, but also alone. She devoted every other weekend for herself. Alone. Because to Rey, being alone was okay now. It was good. It was healthy, every once in a while. Every other Saturday, Rey went to her favorite food truck, got a lemonade, then went to a park. She picked them randomly. The park was crowded today. Rey looked out and saw a little stage setup. There must be a small, community concert. Rey thought it’d be nice to hear distant music and distant chatter as she read her book. She picked a good park today. She picked Zilker. ⋆ ⋆ ⋆ ⋆ ⋆ Dr. Holdo figured out pretty soon after a few sessions with Ben and Rey that they were talking about each other. Both came from New Jersey. Both gave the same storyline. Both were talking about each other constantly in session. Dr. Holdo also figured it out because Rey talked about ‘Ben’ while Ben talked about ‘Kira’—a fake name—and Dr. Holdo figured out it was Rey’s middle name. They both thought they were in two different places, but they weren’t. They were in the same city. Seeing the same damn therapist. Dr. Holdo knew this was unethical. The moment she knew they were talking about each other was the moment she should have told each of them the truth and referred one out, saying she had to keep bias out of the counseling session and seeing both couldn’t do that. But she didn’t want to. She wanted to see them both. She was going to break her code of ethics and keep listening to this story. She was going to help them both. And maybe they’d find a way back to each other. Dr. Holdo thought Ben was an idiot, especially after realizing that Rey was Kira. But, she wanted him to heal, no matter how big of an idiot with daddy issues or whatever he was. She discussed their separate issues, how they grew up, so she could figure out where their behaviors came from. So they could figure out where their behaviors came from. Because Ben and Rey were really there to discuss each other, Dr. Holdo focused on that mess, too. She gave them similar assignments. Writing each other letters. It was a common activity in counseling: writing letters to the person who hurt you or the person you hurt. So, she made them do it. She kept a copy of each for herself and framed them in her private home office. Dr. Holdo loved their letters. They reminded her of love. A love so deep that it hurt. Dr. Holdo was a romantic, of sorts. When she saw each of them this week, always on different days, Dr. Holdo mentioned Zilker park in both of their sessions. Then, how this weekend was supposed to be sunny and clear. She was ready for Ben and Rey to be in the same place. She knew they were ready, too. Dr. Holdo wanted to casually mention it, knowing Ben liked to go to parks to think of Rey and Rey liked to go to parks every other Saturday. She subconsciously planted it in their heads and prayed it would work. Today, Saturday, Dr. Holdo sat on her couch with her husband, hoping next week in session that they’d each talk about the other. How Rey saw Ben. How Ben saw Rey. Then, Dr. Holdo would go from there with them. She just needed them to see each other. ⋆ ⋆ ⋆ ⋆ ⋆ Rey walked across the vast, green lawn of the big park and went to a more shaded area of trees. It wasn’t crowded over there. There was only one person, and she figured it’d be okay if she invaded their space a little. After all, it was a public park. She was looking up at the trees as walked. Even in November, they were still green. It was still warm outside. Rey loved Texas. She broke her eyes away from the trees to put her blanket down. And her blanket hit the ground. But so did her book. So did her keys. So did her phone. So did her lemonade. Because Rey saw a ghost. She told herself he was a ghost. She told herself the ghost was Ben Solo. But when he looked up at her as he sat on his own blanket, a book in his hands, he looked like he saw a ghost, too. The ghost of Rey. Then, Ben dropped his book, too. “Ben?” He parted his lips to speak, but nothing came out. Ben felt like he had something stuck in his throat. He couldn’t talk. Instead, he shot up from his blanket and stared at Rey, a few feet away, until his throat opened back up. “Rey,” His voice cracked like a teenager. Because she was supposed to be in Atlanta. Rey was supposed to be in Atlanta. But she was here. In Austin. With Ben. Rey stared at Ben for a long time. She blinked every two seconds, making sure it wasn’t a dream. Making sure he was right there. Because he was supposed to be in Dallas. Ben was supposed to be in Dallas. But he was here. In Austin. With Rey. And Dr. Holdo’s plan worked.
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
“Ben?” “Rey.” She swallowed the thick bile that rose in her throat. He was here. Ben was really here. Ben. “…you’re here,” Rey whispered. She couldn’t find her voice. Ben nodded, then gave a small, “So are you.” Rey nodded. “Kaydel?” Ben shook his head. “Atlanta?” Rey shook her head. Then, they stared at each other for a little longer until Ben spoke again. “I didn’t know—I promise I didn’t know you were here. In Austin. I’m not—I’m not trying to follow you and—” Rey interrupted him, “I didn’t know you were here, either. In Austin, I mean.” Her ears started to pulse. She saw Ben’s lip wiggle. “I need you to know, Rey—I need you to know that I’m sorry. For everything. I’m—I should have told y—” “I know everything, Ben.” Rey replayed his mother’s words to her on graduation day.
Set up from the beginning, those two. Since birth, practically. Arranged. You should know.
I don’t like it.
Ben doesn’t like it.
But, he’s loyal to his father. To her father.
Then,
Ben has time, love.
Time.
They needed time. “I know about Kaydel. Her family. Your dad,” Rey continued, “I know.” “I was stupid.” “I know.” Ben shuffled his feet and looked at the ground. “I’m sorry, Rey.” Ben’s voice broke. When he looked back up at her, his eyes were red. He went on, “I’m so sorry. I should have told you. I shouldn’t have—I just shouldn’t have been with her at all. From the beginning. I shouldn’t have hurt you like that. I just—I’m sorry.” Rey’s heart was going to explode. It was pounding. Hard. Fast. “I forgive you, Ben. I did a while ago.” Rey looked up at the trees, trying to make the tears that were pricking her eyes go away. Rey was always so good to Ben when he didn’t earn her goodness. Her forgiveness. Ben knew Rey was perfect. Her heart was perfect. She forgave him and she didn’t need to. Ben wasn’t worthy of it. He took a long exhale out of his nose and squeezed his eyes shut. At any second, she’d leave. Or maybe he should leave. Leave Rey alone again. He needed to leave her alone. He didn’t deserve her. But then, he felt something hit his chest. Something wrap around his torso. Someone crying on him. He opened his eyes. Rey. His Rey. Rey was hugging him. And he hugged her back. He held on tight. So tight. He didn’t want to let her go. Not again. Rey cried into Ben’s shirt. It smelled like him. The shirt she stole from him a year ago didn’t smell like him anymore. But she smelled him again. Ben’s lips were in her hair. He whispered over and over, “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry, Rey. So sorry. So sorry.” Rey let him shower her in apologies. She knew he meant it. And she missed that feeling—the feeling of his lips on her head. In her hair. How close Ben was. Because Ben was home. His home was in Rey. And her home was in him. He was her first home, really. Ben found his way back. He had to make it right again. They had to make it right. And it’d be hard. It’d take time.
Time.
But he found his way back. To his home. Rey. Rey didn’t know how much time had passed. She didn’t know if it’d been ten minutes or an hour. Could be either. She just knew she hugged Ben and forgot about everything else. Until more people buzzed in the distance. Rey remembered they were in a park. A park of people ready to hear a concert. Rey broke the hug. Ben stepped away and wiped his cheeks with the back of his hand. “I can go. I’ll go, Rey. It w—" “We should—We should go somewhere. Talk,” Rey interrupted him, “Really talk. Like we never did. I can—I know how to talk now. Communicate, I mean. There are things I’d like to say to you. Things I’d like to ask you.” Ben realized that Rey didn’t want to bolt. She didn’t want to leave. She wanted to talk. Maybe he’d only be in her presence for an hour or two, and then she’d say a final goodbye again, but that was okay with him. As long as he had more time with Rey.
Time.
“I can talk better, too now I think,” Ben shook his head and frowned at his awkward choice in words, “I mean communicate. I’ve—I’ve been working on it. I want to talk to you too, Rey, is what I’m trying to say. I have things to say. Things to explain.” The corner of Rey’s mouth quirked into a small smile at Ben. “Okay.” Ben and Rey decided to go to a different park. A quieter one. So, they drove separately and met there. Rey puked in an old paper grocery bag on the car ride over. Ben picked a tree to sit under. He put out his blanket and Rey put her’s down, too. They both sat across from each other, their legs criss cross, hands in their laps. Rey started. She asked Ben to tell her why. Really why. His thought process. His motive. Why he strung her along like that. Why he hurt her like that. So Ben did. He told Rey everything. About his dad. In detail. About breaking it off with Kaydel. About why he chose Texas. Because he loved her and wanted to stay close. Because he thought it was for the best. He told her how torn he was. He told her it wasn’t an excuse, though. Then, Ben told Rey about the last six months without her. How much he grew. How much he thought of her. How he wanted to be better. And Ben knew he was better. Rey listened to Ben. Listened to him tell her his rationalization for those two years. It didn’t make sense to Rey. It didn’t make sense to Ben anymore either, but now Rey knew. She knew why. Really why. Rey listened to him tell her he knew he loved her last October. Loved her in a real way. She listened to him tell her that he knew he needed to alone after he realized how he fucked everything up. That he needed to leave her alone. Rey just sat and listened. And for the first time in a long, long time, Rey reached out and grabbed Ben’s hands with her own. To comfort him. To comfort herself, too. When he was done, she gave him her piece. She told him the ways that it hurt. How it made her feel about herself. How it made her look at him differently for a while, before she knew about his situation. The things that she told herself about what they were doing. The amount to which she loved Ben during that time. Then, she told him despite the situation, it still hurt. How he still strung her along. How he still did all of those things. She told him she didn’t really understand. She told him that she never hated him, but that she was disappointed. Sad. Heartbroken. Rey knew she shouldn’t apologize for anything, but she did. She told Ben that she was sorry for not telling him how she felt earlier. For not calling him out. For not telling him she loved him in a real way. Explicitly told him anything. How maybe that would have pushed him to do something. Ben squeezed her hands and told her in a stern voice stop apologizing. Because he knew that nothing was on Rey. It was all on him. Then, it was quiet. They could just hear the birds. The wind. The leaves rustling against the grass. A few honking cars every now and again. Ben and Rey both said what they needed to say. Ben knew what Rey felt. He heard it from her. Rey knew Ben’s reasoning. She heard it from him. And as Ben held onto Rey’s hands in the silence, he prayed to a god he didn’t believe in to not let it be the last few minutes with her. He told God he’d go to church. Maybe. He’d maybe go to church. But Rey let go of his hands. Ben told God to go fuck himself. He didn’t have any more time with Rey. He just wanted more time.
Time.
“So,” Rey smiled softly and laid down on her blanket, “Catch me up on you.” Ben was attending church on Sunday. He laid down on his blanket, next to Rey’s, and caught her up. He caught her up on work. On therapy. On his new and scarce friends. He was still working on making friends. Ben told her about the new, organic foods he was trying and how he thought about her when he ate that shit. Rey laughed. Ben missed her laugh so much. Sometimes, he dreamed about it. He heard it when he fell asleep. The past six months, his unconscious was the only place where Rey was. But she was here now. And he was hearing her laugh again. And it was like a song to him. Ben was hearing a song that he didn’t deserve to listen to. “What about you? What are you doing here?” Ben asked when he was done talking about himself. He wanted to hear about Rey. Know her again. Start over. Rey told Ben about her job. She decided she wanted to be in Texas, despite the fact that he’d be there, after all. Texas was her silly, childhood dream and she wasn’t going to let him stop her. Plus, they paid her more than Atlanta would—which was nice for a girl who grew up with nothing. She talked about her new friends. Her new hobbies. Rey kicked off her sneakers at one point. She was wearing the cactus socks Ben got for her. Ben bit the inside of his cheek. Rey kept the socks. He wondered if she kept everything else. Maybe one day—if she was comfortable with keeping him around—he’d get to see her apartment. The new plants in it. His snow globes on her shelves. The crystals around her room. Ben wanted Rey to keep him around. As an old friend. An acquaintance. A friend. A best friend. Something more. It didn’t matter. He just wanted more time. More time with Rey. So again, he prayed to a god that he wasn’t sure existed. He prayed for more time.
Time.
It started to get dark. They must have been there for hours. Hours talking like they used to. Rey sat up. “I should head home.” Ben sat up, too. “Okay.” Rey didn’t get up, though. She just looked at Ben. It’d been six months without him. She wanted to study his face, afraid any second would be the last. She couldn’t go six months again. Unless that’s what he wanted. But she didn’t want that. Rey wanted more time. Time with Ben. Time to heal with him. She just wanted time.
Time.
“Do you want to go to the farmer’s market with me? Me and my friends? Meet them? Next weekend?” Rey asked in choppy, nervous sentences, “I just—they’re nice and we can hang out again for a little bit. If you want.” Ben nodded a little too eagerly. “I’d like to go, yes.” Rey smiled. She had her Ben again. And she vowed that this time, it’d be different. They’d be different. Better. Ben told himself the same thing as they grabbed their blankets and walked to their cars. Rey gave Ben another hug. Ben didn’t want to let go. But he did. And he counted down the days until next Saturday, when he’d see Rey again. ⋆ ⋆ ⋆ ⋆ ⋆ Dr. Holdo had a field day that week when Rey and Ben went to their sessions with her. Afterward, she went home and kissed her husband like her life depended on it. ⋆ ⋆ ⋆ ⋆ ⋆ Saturday was here. Ben would meet Rey there, at the farmer’s market, and he’d meet her friends. They’d try again. They didn’t know what would come out of it, but they’d try again. Rey saw Ben walking toward her, through the people. Ben came. She introduced him to her new friends. Maybe they could all be friends, like back in New Jersey. Rey would like that a lot. They walked around the market. Rey needed to get a few things, but she never did. She never stopped at the little tents and booths. Because she couldn’t stop talking to Ben. She forgot all about the carrots and organic, honey soaps that she needed. Her friends wandered off, leaving Ben and Rey to get lost in their little world. Because they were. In their own little world. Again. Finally. Rey missed how Ben would hang onto every word she said. How he’d listen to her talk and talk and talk about things that didn’t matter. But he listened because they mattered to Rey. And what mattered to Rey mattered to him. Even if what mattered to her were theories about TV shows he’d never seen or the newest pop culture couple he’d never heard about. Ben and Rey ended up getting lunch that Saturday. Talking more. Starting over. Ben asked her what she was doing the following Thursday night. A band that they used to listen to together—The Shins—was playing in town. It was awkward. His phrasing was weird. He was nervous. He still didn’t know if she wanted to keep him around. He didn’t know if he was overstepping so soon. But Ben decided to be honest now. Tell Rey what he wanted. And he wanted to spend another day with her. More time.
Time.
Rey went to the concert with Ben. She stood next to him. Their shoulders were pressed together. They were okay. Ben and Rey were okay. They separately met with Dr. Holdo still. Ben and Rey didn’t know they had the same therapist. They’d never know. It’d be Dr. Holdo’s secret. They each discussed with her boundaries for the other. Boundaries for themselves. Rey didn’t want to push herself into something yet. She needed time. She wanted him, but she needed time. Dr. Holdo told her it was a good idea. Ben didn’t want to push Rey. He wanted her, but he didn’t want to push her if she didn’t. So, Ben talked to Dr. Holdo about being a good friend. Being that person for Rey again. But this time, be the person that she needs. She was always what he needed, so now, Ben would be what she needed. And he wouldn’t push anything. Not until Rey wanted to.If she ever did. Ben was grateful for the time Rey gave him. Which was a lot. They started to spend more time together. It started with just once a week. Rey would invite him somewhere or he’d ask if she wanted to come over for dinner. But then, it went to two times a week. Then three. Then, nearly every other day. Rey showed Ben cool spots she found around the city. New places to eat. A shop with the best ice cream in the world, Rey told him. She showed him so much. Ben showed Rey the best pizza place he found in Austin. Rey gave him her crust. They went to parks a lot, too.Ben told Rey he knew all the parks in town because he’d go when he thought about her. Which was a lot during those six months without her. They went to winter markets when late December rolled around. They drank mulled wine and giggled at each other. Their hands brushed against each other more times than they could count. Ben’s lips found her head again when they’d hug—which was a lot. As Christmas approached, Ben asked Rey if she wanted company. If she wanted to come up to Washington again, like last year. He knew it was a reach, but he wanted to have another holiday with her. Just in case it was their last together. In case Rey opened her eyes next week and realized she should have never forgiven Ben. Rey said no. Rey wanted to be alone for Christmas this year. She had a lot to think about. So, Rey said no and told Ben she’d see her when he got back. She called Dr. Holdo on December 26th. She told her that she wanted Ben. That she wanted him like she had always wanted him. She asked her if it was a good idea to try. To put herself out there again with him.
“I can’t give you advice, Rey. That’s not what I do.”
“Right. Yeah. Sorry. I just—I j—”
“What do you want, Rey? What do you want with Ben? Tell me again.”
Rey made a face. She was glad Dr. Holdo couldn’t see her through the phone. She just told her what she wanted. “Well…I want him. I want to be with him. Really be with him. I want—I want to see him every day. I want to talk to him every day. I want him to be with me all the time.” Rey had to clear her throat because it was tightening up as she spoke. She went on after a moment. “Dr. Holdo, I just want him.”
“Tell me why you want him, dear.”
Rey sat on her couch. She sat and thought about why she wants Ben again. In a real way. “He listens to me. He notices when I’m upset. He watches me. He knows me better than I think I know myself, sometimes. Ben—Ben makes me laugh. His jokes aren’t funny to anyone else…but he’s funny to me. He laughs at mine, too.” Rey smiled. “And I missed him. And I don’t think I can just be his friend. I want to be more. I just—I want to be more, Dr. Holdo. I really love Ben. I just really love him. I’ve forgiven him and he’s worked so hard on himself and I think I’m ready to try. I’m ready to love him and I think he’s ready to love me.” Dr. Holdo sat in her private home office, staring at each of their letters on her wall. She normally didn’t answer client phone calls on the weekends unless it was an emergency, but she’d answer Ben or Rey’s call any day. Any hour. Any second. Because Dr. Holdo was no longer their therapist. She did a termination session with each of them last week. They didn’t need her anymore. They were okay. Dr. Holdo knew Ben and Rey would be okay. As long as they were together, they would be okay.
“Do you still have the letter?”
Rey sniffled. She was crying. “Yeah.”
“I want you to read it again. For yourself. Read it and you’ll know what to do. I don’t need to give you advice or tell you what to do, Rey. You know. You know what you want. You know what to do,”
Dr. Holdo stared at the letters on her wall for a few more seconds.
“Read the letter, Rey.”
Rey read the letter again that she had written a few months ago. Rey spent Christmas crying. Rey knew what she wanted. She hoped Ben wanted it, too. She hoped Ben would want more time. She wanted more time with him.
Time.
She wanted forever.
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
Ben spent Christmas break tapping his foot. The whole week was filled with nervous leg bounces. He just wanted to be back in Austin. Back where Rey was. That’s where he belonged. With Rey. Ben felt like a waste of space anywhere she wasn’t. So, Ben anxiously awaited his flight back to Austin for the whole week. Leia heard about Rey. Ben told his mom how they found each other by chance that one day at the park. She slowly nodded as she listened to Ben. Then, all she said was, “Time,” The same thing she told Rey last May. Leia knew they just needed that. Time. Ben was back in Austin. Finally. He was practically itching the whole plane ride. He needed to be back with Rey. To see Rey. To hear Rey. He needed Rey. Needed to watch her talk. Needed to listen to her voice. Needed to hear her laugh. Needed to see her beat him in checkers. He needed Rey. It was December 31st. He asked Rey if he could come over right after his flight landed. Ben had to give her something. The tradition he’d done for the past two years. He wasn’t about to let this year go to waste. Ben would never let anything go to waste again. Rey ordered pizza for them. Ben told her they needed to stop eating so much goddamn pizza. Rey giggled. Ben thought to himself that there had to be a god out there when Rey giggled. Her laugh was too perfect for it to just be from the Big Bang. Someone had to have created it. Given it just to her. Specially made for just her. As they ate pizza at Rey’s little dining table, they talked. And talked. Ben felt lucky to be with Rey. To hear her talk. To see her eat her pizza as if it were the last slice on Earth, the way she ate most things. Ben missed her while he was gone in Washington. Ben never wanted to be away from her for a week again. But he couldn’t tell her that. She had to want it, too. When they were done eating, Ben slid the gift box over to her. “December 31st tradition. Remember?” Rey looked at the box. Her lip wiggled. Ben thought maybe he did something wrong. “I remember,” she whispered. Then, Rey opened it. Ben got her some bars of soap. The organic kind with oats and chunks of all-natural shit in it. He got her a cactus. A small one for her bedroom windowsill. He got her a few new crystals. Ones he hadn’t gotten for her before. They were pretty and made him think of her. Pink and bright. Ben got her a little picture frame. It was shakable, like a snow globe, with glitter. In it, was a picture of Ben and Rey. From graduation. Their last picture. Rey held the frame in her hands. She stared at it. She started to cry. She started to cry because she loved Ben so much. She loved her Ben. But Ben didn’t know that. So, he panicked. “Rey—Rey, you can change the picture. I’m sorry. I just—I’m sorry. You can change the picture and swap it for a different one. I’m sorry, Rey—” Rey got up from her seat and stepped into her living area. Ben watched her and stopped talking. He thought maybe she’d start a fire and throw it in the fireplace. But she didn’t have one of those. Maybe she’d toss the frame off of her balcony. But Rey didn’t do any of that. She put the frame next to her TV. Right where everyone could see it. Right where Rey could see it. Right where Rey could see her and Ben. She put her hands on her hips and stared at the frame in its new place. Rey was still crying. It was soft cries, but crying, no less. Ben kept watching her. Still looking at the frame, she asked, “Looks good there, doesn’t it? I could put it in the entryway, too. But I think it’d be a waste there. I like it here.” She sniffled. “What do you think, Ben?” Ben stood from his chair. He walked over to Rey and stood next to her, staring at the photo now, too. Their shoulders touched. “I think it looks good there, Rey.” Rey held his hand. She laced her fingers through his. “I’m glad.” They both stood there, holding hands, looking at the photo for a while longer in silence. Then, she asked Ben if he wanted to watch a movie. Ben said yes. So, they sat on the couch, got under a blanket, and watched a movie. Rey still had Ben’s hand in hers. She wasn’t going to let go. He wasn’t going to either. Rey laid her head on Ben’s shoulder. Ben turned his head and put his lips in her hair. He gave her a kiss there. He hadn’t kissed her head in so long. Then, he went back to watching the movie. Ben and Rey went into the New Year holding hands. They went into the New Year with each other, just like they had last year. But this year was different. This year was different. Ben left that night around 1AM and went back to his own apartment. The whole way home, Ben had to keep reminding himself that yes, Rey really did hold his hand. He still wasn’t going to push anything, though.He’d let Rey do what she needed to do. But for now, Ben prayed to that god—the one that he was pretty sure existed now—and thanked him. He thanked him for Rey. He thanked him for the second chance she was giving him. Ben wouldn’t throw this away. Not again. ⋆ ⋆ ⋆ ⋆ ⋆ Rey invited Ben to the park the next day. The big one that they’d first seen each other at. Zilker. It was cold. Rey brought blankets. Ben brought hot chocolate and pizza. Fuck giving up pizza. Rey sat close to Ben under the layers and layers of blankets. She leaned into him as they ate and sipped. They looked at the clouds. They listened to the birds. They watched the tree branches move. The leaves were gone by now. Rey and Ben talked about things that didn’t matter. Ben watched Rey as she spoke. He watched her eyebrows move up and down when she talked. They did that a lot. She was really passionate about the weirdest stuff. He wanted to nudge his nose with hers. It was red. He wanted to kiss her like he should have a long time ago. Her lips were plump and she kept wetting them due to the chilly weather. But Ben didn’t. Ben would wait. Wait for Rey. He’d always wait for Rey. Rey laid down after a bit. Ben laid down, too. She cuddled into him. They both looked at the sky.“I forgot how warm you are,” Rey gave Ben a small poke. He smiled and looked up at the sky. Thanking that god again that was maybe up there. Thanking that god again for Rey. ⋆ ⋆ ⋆ ⋆ ⋆ Rey and Ben spent the next few weeks like that. Clinging to the other. Ben always followed Rey. He made sure she was the one who initiated the touches. The hand holding. The cuddling on the couch. He’d do it back. Never first. He wanted Rey to do what she wanted. Today, they were in the supermarket. They were shopping together. “What’s next on the list?” Rey took Ben’s hand and led him to the tofu. “Tofu. I’ll make you some tonight and you won’t even know it’s tofu. I promise.” Ben could never say no to Rey. He squeezed her hand, “Okay,” So, Rey made Ben tofu at her apartment. It wasn’t great. He didn’t like it. Rey told him it’d taste like chicken. It did not. But Ben told her he liked it. It made Rey smile. As they did dishes, Rey flicked some water at Ben. He did it back. Dishes were forgotten now as Ben and Rey splashed each other. Rey grabbed the sprayer by the sink and pointed in at Ben like a gun. “Stay back or I shoot!” Rey laughed. “My finger is on the trigger!” Ben put his hands up in surrender, then lunged at Rey, forcing the faucet sprayer out of her hands and back into the sink. He got behind her and wrapped his arms around her, taking her hands in his and holding her against his chest as she laughed a wiggled to get out, probably wanting to spray him again.“Ben!” Ben mimicked Rey in a ‘girly’ voice, “BeNnN!” Rey giggled and stopped wiggling so much. She made a space for herself in Ben, her back against him. Rey got comfortable. So did Ben. Ben nuzzled his nose against her temple. Rey lifted her hand and held Ben’s head, putting her fingers through his hair. She shut her eyes. She just wanted to feel Ben. Feel his chest behind her. Feel his breaths hit the side of her face. Feel him close. Rey was ready. Rey was ready to take her next leap. So, Rey turned around. Ben put his hands on her hips and Rey put hers on his face. She held his cheeks. She stroked her thumb on his skin. She looked at her Ben. The Ben she met at the library that rainy September night over two years ago. The Ben she made banana bread for. The Ben she played Xbox with. The Ben she fought with. Cried with. The Ben she hit. Yelled at—no, screamed at. The Ben who hurt her. The Ben that broke her. The Ben that she left. The Ben that worked on himself. That healed. That found his way back. She looked at her Ben. Rey stood on her toes. Ben leaned down a little. She wet her lips and opened her mouth, just barely. She let her bottom lip brush his. But then, she remembered that she wanted to do something else first. So, Rey pulled away. And Ben blinked. He thought he lost her again. Ben stood up straight, trying to be a gentleman. Trying to hide that he was disappointed. But mostly he was sad. He was sad because he thought he lost Rey again. Scared her. But Rey didn’t scold him or frown or look uneasy. Rey smiled. “I—I need to show you something, Ben. I—There’s something I want you to read.” Rey swiftly turned around and jogged to her bedroom door. He heard her open her closet door and, in a flash, she was back. In her hands was a standard piece of printer paper. There was writing on it. Rey’s handwriting. She outstretched her hand and offered him the paper. “Ben, I wrote you something. I wrote you a letter back in like August. Or maybe July. I’m not really sure the time but—but that’s not important. I wrote you a letter and I just want you to read it. I want you to read it and then I want to tell you something. Tell you how I feel. Where I want to go.” She motioned for him to take it again, “Will you read it, Ben?” Ben didn’t take it. He looked at Rey. In her eyes. In her pretty, brown eyes. “You wrote me a letter?” Her brow furrowed. Her hand moved, motioning for him to take the letter again, “Yes. Please read it, Ben. I’m asking you to read it.” Ben still didn’t take the letter. “Put your shoes on, Rey.” He went to the door and put on his own sneakers. “What?” Rey shoved the letter at him again, “Read the goddamn letter, Ben!” Ben turned, his face serious, “Rey. Shoes.” Rey huffed and folded the letter four times, into a small rectangle, then put on her shoes. Ben took her hand and bolted out of the door. He shoved her in his car and stepped on the gas, driving to his apartment. Rey was yelling at him to slow down and asked what was going on four billion times. He couldn’t blame her. But he also couldn’t really speak. As soon as they parked in his parking garage, Ben took Rey’s hand and led her to his apartment door. She wasn’t walking fast enough, so he picked her up and carried her. She looked so angry at him. She didn’t understand. But Ben just needed to make it to his door before she killed him. He needed to make it to his door so he could show Rey something, too. As soon as they were inside, Rey yelled at him. “Benjamin!! What in the fuck is your deal?” He ran to his room and went to his desk, pulling out the drawers frantically. Ben shuffled through the papers and all the shit he should probably throw away. Ben was cursing at himself as Rey yelled. “God, I don’t even want you to read this fucking thing anymore!” She walked into his room and saw the mess. Then, she saw something in his hands. Ben found it. He stood up straight, holding the piece of printer paper in his hands. He stared at it. He hadn’t read it since he wrote it back in August. Or was it July? Ben looked up from the paper at Rey. “What’s that?” she whispered. Rey thought she knew. Ben stepped over the piles of papers he just threw all over the floor and walked to Rey. “Let’s sit on my couch.” “Ben,” Rey started to unfold her own letter. Ben repeated himself. “Let’s sit on my couch, Rey.” So they sat. And they traded letters. Before either of them read the other’s, Ben bit his lip and looked nervously at Rey. Rey chewed her fingernails. “Read now?” she asked, her fingers holding the page shaking a little. Ben gave a small nod. They started to read. ⋆ ⋆ ⋆ ⋆ ⋆ Rey couldn’t get through the first paragraph of Ben’s without starting to cry. She ducked her head so Ben couldn’t see her.
I miss you. I miss the three buns on your head. The ones I always flicked and you’d get angry at me. But I know I messed up. I know I hurt you. I know you hate me.
Rey laughed softly when she got to the part about Ben graffitiing his high school. But she started to cry again when she got further down.
I love your hair. I love your eyes. I love your name. I love your crystals. I love your plants. I love your banana bread. I love your pizza crust even though you don’t.
I love you.
Then
You’ll always be the first person I loved. My Rey.
⋆ ⋆ ⋆ ⋆ ⋆
Ben read Rey’s letter to him as Rey read his. He couldn’t hear her sniffling because he couldn’t hear anything. Just the sound of her voice in his head as he pretended that she was reading it to him. Ben had to shift on the couch. He had to pinch his wrist. He had to distract himself. He wanted to cry as he read her words. But he also laughed.
I miss you. You fucking idiot. Big idiot. Fucking dumb ass. Sorry. Just needed to get that out right away.
And while Rey was funny, Rey was raw. Ben pinched himself again as he read the last bit.
I love you and I forgive you.
Your Rey.
⋆ ⋆ ⋆ ⋆ ⋆ Rey wiped her face with the sleeves of her hoodie, then turned to Ben. Ben turned and looked at Rey. And for a moment, it was quiet.
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
Rey wiped her face with the sleeves of her hoodie, then turned to Ben. Ben turned and looked at Rey. And for a moment, it was quiet. Until Rey launched herself across the couch and onto Ben. Her knees were pressed into the leather and her arms were around his neck, definitely suffocating him. She dropped his letter and as Ben hugged her back, just as tight, her letter fell to the floor, too. Rey hugged him…almost violently. She was clawing at him, trying to be closer. She wanted to hold on tight and never let go. She wanted to melt into Ben. Rey didn’t like the position she was in while hugging him. She needed more. Needed him. She needed to feel him on every part of her body. Rey moved to straddle Ben and hugged him tighter, putting her chin on his shoulder and squeezing her eyes shut. “R-Rey.” Ben wasn’t hugging her anymore. His hands had lifted from her back. So Rey removed her own hands and found Ben’s, putting them around her waist. Then, she hugged him again. And because he got the okay, Ben squeezed her waist and held her close. They hugged for a while. Rey thought she could probably fall asleep like this, straddling Ben, holding him. This was safe. This was good. This was home. Rey finally faced Ben.
Rey finally said what she needed to say. What she needed to tell him. “Ben.” She played with the black strands of his hair that rested on the back of his neck as she spoke. “Ben, I gave myself time. I didn’t really know it, but that’s what I needed. Time. A-And I’m ready, Ben. I love you and I’m ready. I just—I want you, Ben.” Rey felt tears on her cheeks. She was a crier. “I want you in the way I always have. In the way we never got to be. I love you and I—I wanted to give you the letter. I wanted it to be the final thing. Maybe like a nail in the coffin of these past couple months. I don’t know—I just—I’m ready, Ben. If you want me—want me like that—then I’m ready. I love you…okay?” Rey watched Ben’s face. She watched his face as he leaned forward and put his forehead on hers. Ben spoke in a whisper. “Rey. My Rey.” She hiccupped a little, from crying. “I love you, Rey. I want you. Always. And—And I’ll be better to you. I’m better, Rey. I just needed time. I shouldn’t have needed it, but I did. And I love you and I want y—” Rey couldn’t take it. She had to kiss Ben. To finally kiss Ben. So she did. And she wasn’t shy about it either. Rey pressed her lips onto Ben’s hard. Needy. Because she was. Needy. She’d kissed boys before in high school and college, but not like how she wanted to kiss Ben. She wanted to feel every part of Ben. Have him consume her. She wanted to kiss Ben until she couldn’t. His lips were soft and plush and just like Rey imagined. She put her fingers in his hair and brought Ben’s face even closer to hers. Their noses were squished on each other’s cheeks, but Rey didn’t mind. She hoped Ben didn’t mind, either. She just needed him. Ben held Rey’s waist tightly. When she brought his face closer to hers—closer than it already was—Ben needed more. Just like Rey did. He pulled his lips away, but went right back in, slightly parted now. Ben wanted to taste Rey’s mouth. He wanted to feel her moan into his. And Rey did. Rey moaned into Ben’s mouth and let her tongue feel his. Let his tongue flick her teeth. Let his tongue explore her mouth. Rey was finally kissing Ben. “I lov—” Ben tried to talk, but Rey wanted to kiss. He tried again. “Rey, I—” She pressed her lips on his again. Rey wished she had some superglue. Nothing Ben could say would be better than this kiss. Their first kiss. But Ben took her face in his hands and pushed her away. He looked at her. Really looked at her. And again, Ben told her. “I love you, Rey. So much. Rey, I love you so much and I’m not fucking this up.” He shook her face a little. “Okay? I promise you I’m not going to fuck this up.” Rey nodded, her eyes big, staring at Ben. He looked intense. Like his promise meant something. Because it did. It really meant something to him. Ben was done destroying. He repaired. And now, he’d build. He’d build with Rey. They’d build something together. And it’d be good. Because they gave each other time. They gave themselves time.
Time.
Ben and Rey watched a movie. Well, they tried. They couldn’t stop kissing each other. Ben didn’t push anything further than that, still giving Rey her space for now. She didn’t push anything either. Rey was nervous. But they both wanted to. So, they just settled for making out like teenagers as a movie played. Ben told her between kisses how much he loved her. He couldn’t stop saying it. He just really needed Rey to know, and he wanted to tell her he loved her every second of every day for a long, long time. Rey would say, “I love you too, but can you keep kissing me?” She wanted to kiss him every second of every day for a long, long time. When the movie was over and their lips were raw and red, Rey looked at Ben’s door. This is the part where she’d leave, right? But Rey didn’t want to. “Can I sleep here? With you?” Rey blurted. “You want to?”
“Yeah.” “Okay,” Ben cleared his throat, “You can sleep in my bed.” “With you,” Rey stated. It wasn’t a question. Ben nodded, “With me.” Rey gave him a smile. He thanked the god he was still debating on even existing for Rey’s smile. She didn’t bring anything over. She didn’t need pajamas or a toothbrush or anything anyway. She could use Ben’s toothbrush. Because that’s what lovers did. She could sleep in her bra and underwear with him. Because that’s what lovers did. Their mantra—their scary mantra—of ‘this is what friends do’ was over. They were past that. They were onto something new. Rey used Ben’s toothbrush, like she used to. Ben gave her a shirt of his. Then, they laid down. Just like they’d done before. But it was different this time. They were supposed to do this. It wasn’t bad. No one felt guilty. It was just Ben and Rey. The way it was supposed to be. Ben spooned Rey. He wanted to hold her. He wanted to be close. He wanted to fall asleep with Rey in his arms. Because to Ben, that’s where she belonged. With him. They talked for a while, their heads on the pillows, even though they really felt like they were in the clouds. She held his hand on her stomach. She felt his warm body against her back. She felt his breaths hit her head. Rey kept telling herself ‘finally’. Finally. As Rey talked, Ben kissed the back of her ear. He couldn’t help it. He wanted to kiss Rey everywhere. Her words trailed off and Rey started to breathe differently. A little shaky. Rey pressed her legs together over and over again as Ben kissed her ear. She really liked how it felt on her ear and between her legs. Ben couldn’t help himself. Rey started to wiggle a little. So, Ben moved his head slightly and took her lobe between his lips and sucked on it. Rey pushed herself back into Ben, her ass pressing on his half-hard cock that was only getting harder. Ben huffed. Rey liked the feeling of it against her. She liked the feeling of his lips on her ear. She liked making him huff. So she did it again when Ben sucked on her ear harder, his hot breaths making her whimper and her body wiggle. But Ben took his mouth away and scooted his hips back, no longer pressing against Rey’s ass. She turned her head to look at Ben. She must have done something wrong. “I’m sorry,” Ben frowned, “Sorry.” Now, Rey was frowning, too. “I—Ben, I liked that,” she pursed her lips, then asked, “Have you ever—Did you—” Ben interrupted her, “I’ve—No. Never. Not with her. Not with anyone.” He didn’t have to say her name. Rey knew. “Have you?” he asked. Ben figured Rey had sex. She was beautiful. Funny. Sexy. She was on Tinder, Ben remembered. But he still asked. Rey gulped. “No, I haven’t.” Rey never got around to it while in Austin. She was too busy working on herself. Dating and hooking up with people wasn’t really on her list of priorities. Plus, she always weirdly held out hope. Hope that Ben would be her first, like she always wanted. So, Rey never did. But now, she wanted to. Rey turned around to face Ben, “I—Ben, I want to be with you like that. I want to feel you like that,” she kissed his chin, “I love you, Ben.” Ben pushed on her shoulders a little, backing her up, “What if we wait?” Rey laid on her back and stared up at the dark ceiling. “You don’t want to—” “I want to, Rey,” Ben interrupted her, putting his hand on her cheek and turning it, making her look at him, “Fuck, I want to. Jesus, I want to.” Rey giggled and he moved her back to spooning him. “I just want—Can I date you first? For a little while? Can we do it right? I might not make it through the week or even the night, honestly—but can we try? Try to do it right, first?” Rey thought that was fair. She also thought of something else. Last time she felt Ben, he was huge. It made her nervous. “Yeah. I—I need to probably work up to it anyway, right?” “Shit. Yeah, probably.” “We could—You could start now. If you wanted,” Rey tried to sound as casual as possible. She just really wanted Ben to touch her. Her Ben. She needed her Ben. She heard him swallow. “Start tonight?” Ben’s hand twitched on Rey’s stomach. She took his hand and moved it under his shirt on her, then through the waistband of her underwear. “Tonight, yeah.” Ben moved Rey on her back and peppered her face with kisses, “Okay, Rey.”
“Wait,” she grabbed his wrist, “Can—Can you turn the light on? A lamp? I want to see you.” Ben turned on the lamp next to his bed faster than he’d ever done anything before. When the light lit the room, Ben saw Rey sitting up on the bed, taking off her shirt, her bra, and her underwear. “Rey…” “I want you to see me. Like, all of me. A-and I want to see you, Ben.” Ben took a deep breath as he looked at Rey. He was trying to keep his eyes on her face, but her pink nipples kept distracting him. And looking at them only made him harder than he already was. He muttered a small, “Fuck,” and took off his boxers, getting back in bed with Rey. “I’m just going to touch you, Rey. I want—I want to do this right.” His words were muffled to her. She was staring at his growing cock. It was huge. Only getting bigger. As she stared, Rey felt a need grow deep within her. Deep within the spot between her legs. Ben and Rey knew that he was not going to just touch her tonight. Rey laid back on her back and Ben climbed over her, kissing her. They had kissed a lot earlier, then he sucked on her ear in the bed, and now this…so Ben knew she was wet already. Probably gushing from the way her back was arching as he kissed her. Ben kneeled between her legs. He stared at her pussy. It was pink. Wet. Perfect. Ben was nearly drooling. He wanted to taste it. To lick her wetness up. But he was just going to touch her with his fingers tonight. He planned on doing it as they both laid down, but now that Rey wanted the lamp on—wanted to see him and have him see her—Ben wanted to really see, too. Rey was breathing hard, watching Ben look at her. She didn’t know if she looked okay down there. She hoped it was okay. Ben whispered, “God, Rey. Fuck—” he looked up at her. She saw him look at her whole body, trailing his eyes up to hers, “You’re so beautiful,” He reached his hand out and took his thumb, moving it up and down her slit. Rey jolted at the first touch. It was one thing to touch yourself, but something completely different when another person touched you. Rey whimpered. Ben loved it. He smeared her wetness around, then took his thumb up and softly began to make circles on her clit. Rey was sensitive. She squeezed her eyes shut and let her mouth hang open. When Ben rubbed her harder, faster, Rey yelped and cried. He let her feel that for a while—his thumb on her clit—to relax her, to open her, to get her more wet. Ben slipped a figure inside of Rey and she looked at him with big eyes and then, they fluttered. Rey liked the feeling of Ben’s finger inside of her. It wasn’t too much. And she wanted more. “Ano—Another.” Ben kissed her knee and put in another, slowly. It was a weird feeling at first, going in, but Ben was good. Ben knew what to do. How to help. Rey felt Ben’s fingers curl inside of her, then touch somewhere that made her feel a little fuzzy. The second finger wasn’t so bad anymore. That spot felt so good. Rey found herself bucking her hips up, meeting Ben’s fingers pushing in and out of her. Ben’s face was getting red. His mouth was open. Rey knew how badly he wanted her, just from the way he was staring at her pussy, her tits, her face. But Ben kept helping Rey. Helping Rey prepare for him. He put in a third finger and it made Rey squirm. He muttered a small, “Fuck,” at the sight of Rey. Ben leaned forward and hovered over her, fingers still inside of her, and kissed Rey. Kissed Rey to calm her. Kissed Rey to remind her that he was there. Then, his thumb found her clit again.
Rey didn’t know how Ben could do that. He must play the piano. The third finger hurt a little, but wasn’t as bad now. Rey scrunched her face up and felt a bubbling. She felt a bubbling like she usually felt when she was alone in her room at night, doing this to herself. But this bubbling was stronger, she knew. Like a rollercoaster, it went up and up and up inside of her. Rey arched her back. She tensed her shoulders. Ben kissed all around her face. And Rey let go. She yelled. Screamed. Gasped. She twitched around Ben’s fingers as he watched her. He’d never seen anything like it before. Not like Rey. As Rey caught her breath, face flushed, Ben couldn’t help it. He had to. Ben took his fingers out of her and brought them to his lips. He wasn’t trying to show Rey how sexy he could be or anything like that. He just really wanted to fucking taste Rey. So, Ben put his fingers in his mouth and sucked as Rey watched. “Shit.” Rey tasted sweet. Smelled sweet. Was so goddamn sweet. And Ben wanted more. “Can I—Can I taste you more, Rey? Can I make you come again? Please?” Ben was begging. He’d get down on his knees. He’d do anything. Rey nodded, still breathing hard, her hair a mess. Ben kissed her knees. He kissed her thighs. He couldn’t stop kissing her body. And Rey liked the way it felt. She liked how he was inching toward her cunt. She was anticipating his lips kissing there. Ben gripped her thighs and licked up her slit, tasting her. It made Rey fall apart. Ben licked her again. He realized he couldn’t get enough. He kissed around her clit before licking lightly at the tender skin, teasing her by going over each individual fold while both hands explored every inch of her, from waistline to hips as if memorizing them, learning their curves. As Rey squirmed and gasped, Ben licked her, licked up to her clit. Flicked it with his tongue a few times. Rey grabbed at his hair and rolled her hips against his mouth. She wanted more. So did Ben. Ben licked and sucked and tasted Rey. He wanted to pleasure her, but he also wanted this for him. He craved Rey. Needed Rey. Needed her like this. Ben’s cock was swollen now. Begging to be listened to. He humped the bed as he sucked Rey’s clit to relieve the pressure that was growing. He inserted two fingers into her pussy, still sucking and flicking on her nub. “Ben! Ben!” Rey cried out, squeezing his head between her thighs. She then tapped his head and got his attention for a moment. Rey reached down and grabbed his shoulders, forcing him up and over her again. In ragged breaths, Rey begged, “Ben, Please.” He knew what she meant. “Rey, I—” “Ben, I want to be with you. Please, Ben. Please.” Ben looked over at his bedside table. “Rey, I don’t have condoms. I—” “We can figure it out tomorrow, Ben. I can get something. Please, Ben. I want to feel you. Please.” Ben nodded, “Okay,” and kissed her. Rey could taste herself on him. His lips were so wet and so hungry as he kissed Rey. Then, he pulled back from the kiss and looked at her. “I love you, Rey. More than anything.” “I love you, Ben. More than pizza.” Ben smiled and called her an idiot, then kissed her again. He mumbled against her lips, “Okay, Rey. Ready?” He had one elbow pressing into the mattress next to Rey’s head, his other hand on his cock. He moved the tip up and down Rey’s slit and she wiggled again, holding Ben’s face in her hands. “Relax,” Ben whispered in a shaky voice. He felt like a hypocrite because he wasn’t relaxed at all. He wanted to make sure Rey was comfortable. Safe. Wanted to make her feel good. So, Ben was anything but relaxed. Rey took a deep breath as Ben put his forehead on hers. He asked if she was okay. He asked her again if she was ready. Rey gave him a kiss. Then, Rey said yes. Ben was slow. He pushed into her just barely, watching her face and putting his other elbow in the mattress next to her head. As Rey felt Ben, her eyebrows scrunched in pain. It wasn’t horrible or scream-worthy, but it wasn’t pure bliss yet, either. Rey braced the pain as Ben filled her more, pushed his way in, bottoming out. “Jesus, Rey. You feel—God, you feel like heaven. Are you okay?” She felt stinging. Stretching. A little pain. But Rey was okay. She’d read about this a lot. She knew it’d get better when he started to move a little more. So, Rey nodded and gave him another kiss, then told him to keep going. Ben pulled his hips back slowly, then moved forward again, pushing into Rey. She was so tight around Ben, he thought he’d cum right then. She felt so good. So good for him. Made for him. Rey scratched at his back, the pain turning into pleasure slowly. She tried breathing methodically, counting her inhales and exhales, but as it felt better, she couldn’t do that anymore. Rey was whimpering and a mess, feeling Ben slide in and out, the drag of his cock making her huff and choke every time. She tingled. Her whole body tingled. “Love you B-Ben. Love you since I saw you, practically.” She realized she was crying. Little streams of tears were rolling down the side of her face and into her hairline. “Love you so much, Ben. S-Saved myself for you,” Ben started to move faster. Harder. His breaths were hotter. More out of control. “Rey—My Rey.” He buried his head into her neck and told her how much he loved her. How much he loved to be like this with her. How special she was. Praising her. Ben was getting close to coming. His cock was swelling. His balls were tightening. He was so close. He took his head out of her neck and choked out, “Gonna come, Rey. Can I—” “Inside,” Rey nodded, then moaned, “F-Fuck, Ben.” Ben snaked his hand down to her clit and rubbed it with his middle finger. He wasn’t going in any particular way or motion. He just rubbed it mercilessly. Rey didn’t seem to mind. She cried out and scratched Ben’s back more. Then, he couldn’t take it. Ben cursed and put his head in Rey’s neck again, thrusting hard and burying himself in her cunt. He came with a groan and Rey felt his cum spill into her. She’d never felt anything like it before. It was a feeling she wanted to get used to. Rey squeezed her legs around Ben’s hips and buried him deeper in her. She squeezed and tensed her legs until she came around him, too. She cried in his ear and felt her pussy flutter around him. Again, another feeling she wanted to get used to. They couldn’t breathe. Not normally, at least. They were huffing. Gasping for air. Coming down from what they just did. What they just shared. What they just gave each other. Ben and Rey stayed like that for a while. Silent. Breathing. Ben kissed Rey all over. Told her he loved her again. Told her he wouldn’t let her go. Told her that she was safe with him. Protected. Loved. The way she deserved to be. Rey fell asleep that night and felt different. Rey felt loved. Really loved. And Rey felt like she wasn’t alone anymore. Because she wasn’t. She had Ben. Her Ben. They finally had each other. They’d start something new.
Rey knew they would. Rey knew it’d be good. Rey knew it’d be real, this time. Rey fell asleep curled up into Ben. She softly cried, remembering how much she loved him. Remembering everything they’d been through. Realizing how much they deserved this moment. The moments they’d get to share from here on out. They deserved it. ⋆ ⋆ ⋆ ⋆ ⋆ Ben looked at Rey the next morning. She was asleep. He’d seen her asleep a handful of times before, but this morning, she was different. She was his. Really his. And he was hers. Finally. Ben thought about the last two and a half years. How it all started. How he saw those three buns on Rey’s head in that library and knew it was game over for him. Ben remembered the first time he heard Rey laugh. Really laugh. One of those laughs that comes from your stomach and has you on the floor where you can’t breathe. Ben remembered the first time he saw Rey cry. It was over a movie, but Rey cried. Really cried. She was so emotional in the best way. Ben remembered the first time they slept in the same bed. When they were coming off of their drunk night out. Ben remembered waking up next to Rey in her bed. He remembered his heart hurting. He remembered it hurting because he wanted that every day. But Ben Solo was a pussy. Ben remembered a lot of things as he watched Rey sleep. The good. The bad. Ben shook away the past. He only needed now. He only had now. Ben stopped remembering things. He just looked at Rey, now. Just looked. Stared at her freckles, her long eyelashes. Her pink lips that kept twitching as she slept. Her brown hair looked like a fucking mess in sleep, but he liked it. He liked seeing it all wild. Not put together. That was Rey. And Ben. He was here. Where he was meant to be. Ben would be okay. Ben was okay. Ben is okay. He closed his eyes and slept for a while longer. ⋆ ⋆ ⋆ ⋆ ⋆ Dr. Holdo wrote a book about Ben and Rey. It was fiction and based around their story. Dr. Holdo added magic and soulmates and a force that played a part in bringing them together. Because that stuff was for book and movies. Not real life. Dr. Holdo knew that it really happened though, without any of those things. She went under a pseudonym and gave Ben and Rey fake names. She wrote them a little dedication on the first page.
To B+R.
May you have all the time in the world, now.
You made my career worth it.
Thank you.
She titled her book:
Kylo and Kira are Just Good Friends: And Other Lies They Told Themselves.
⋆ ⋆ ⋆ ⋆ ⋆ Just because it was November, didn’t mean that it was cold. It was Texas, after all. Rey sat on a blanket with her legs stretched out, hands behind her head, enjoying the sun. She could hear a plane in the sky. The little whir of the engine above was like a hum. It was nice. Rey thought today was perfect. Then, a blueberry hit her face. “Ben, stop,” Another. “Ben,” He stopped, but now the sun was gone. It was no longer shining on Rey. She frowned and opened her eyes to see where the sun went. Ben was hovering over her face, waiting for her to open her eyes. He was blocking the sun. It made her giggle. Ben could see her little dimple when she giggled like that. He tried to make her giggle all the time just so that he could see it. “Hi, Ben.” “Hi, Rey.” Ben kissed her. Ben kissed his Rey. Kissed his feisty, sun soaked, Rey. She giggled again and tried to push him away, but she didn’t want him to go anywhere. Not really. She wanted her Ben to stay right there. Right with her. Right there where he belonged. Eventually though, they sat up. They sat on the blanket and watched. They watched the trees move from the wind, the leaves shaking and rustling. They watched the skyline. They watched the people walk around in the distance. They watched squirrels run across the grass. They watched the world around them move. Ben and Rey held hands. They held hands in Zilker Park. They held hands in Zilker Park on the one-year anniversary. They held hands in Zilker Park on the one-year anniversary of finding each other. Of finding each other in Austin. Of finding each other again. Of finding their way back. Ben gave her hand a squeeze. She looked up at him. He was still looking out at the skyline of Austin. Still watching the world turn and move and buzz and spin around them. “I love you, Rey.” Rey told herself a lot of things. One of the things she told herself was that she didn’t love Ben. She told herself that for a long time in the past. She told herself that he didn’t love her like that, either. But Rey was older. She’d grown. And Rey still told herself a lot of things. But what she told herself now was different. Rey told herself the truth. Rey told herself that Ben loved her, and he could give her a love that she deserved. Rey told herself that she loved him, and could give him the love that he deserved, too. Rey told herself a lot of things. And in the big park in Austin with Ben, Rey told herself they would be okay. Her and Ben would be okay. Her and Ben were okay.