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I shouldn't have married Gilbert Beilschmidt. But it's too late, he's right in front of me, all in white while yelling at one of his friends over the phone - Did Lovino get his clothes dirty? - He walks back and forth.I would like to say that for me I would not call Lovino to be best man, but he was among Gilbert's 3 guests, so I had to accept. Lovino doesn't like me, he never did, but he seemed excited to see Gilbert marry, no matter who.- There's no way to buy another one, the wedding is today! - The person on the other side says something - Antonio, this is my special day. Érszavet lent Lovino her own suit to wear!... Yes, she's wearing a dress. Fuck, that's not the point!Érszavet is not with us, the husband seeing his wife on the wedding day is unlucky, and neither she nor I want to risk it to see if it's serious or not - Honey, I'm going to the bathroom for a second - I get up from our sofa and on the way I lean against the Gilbert's shoulder, letting him know where I was going, he just nods and stays on the phoneI have to do something. I entered several cycles of several marriages, and I never spent much time in any, I can't let this happen again, not with Gilbert, not with Érszavet again, for the first time I'm going to protect them.I don't know how I can save them from this fate, maybe come back at some specific moment, like when we allied for the first time, when I saw Gilbert with different eyes for the first time, I took his hand and looked into his red eyes, he didn't smile, was not happy with the alliance.I remember we took a carriage together, the 3 of us...- The best cars are the German ones - Gilbert points out the window, we were the only ones riding in a carriage, looking at each other - Do you have this in the Austro-Hungarian Empire? - Ah, the Austro-Hungarian Empire, my marriage to Érszavet, when I could see her every day, and she was beside me, happy just to be with me- We do, everyone in Europe does - I say irritably, looking away, with a hand on Érszavet's, just to make sure I won't escape- But it was a German who created the car- It was actually an Austrian- What? - He looked confused, maybe I lied better than I remembered - No, it wasn't!- Yes, he only moved to Germany to marry a noblewoman - I lie, just to annoy him, but he remains silent, perhaps believing- Darling, stop it - Érszavet says smiling, it's been a while since I've seen her in a dress, this one isn't flashy, it's pretty enough, she looks comfortable in it, and that's all that matters - Rod loves to say that everyone is Austrian ! - She laughs - He even said that about Tsar Nicholas- No, don't even name this being - Gilbert lets his head fall into his arm, he has fun with Érszavet's company, I like to see them interact, how the two smile and look into each other's eyes so happily - Érsza, who knew that would you marry the rich boy four eyes... We already bet if he was gay!- Don't say that in front of him! - Érszavet taps his albino friend's shoulder with his free hand, I keep listening. It's not the first time I've heard speculation about me being gay, when you've been weak for so long it's normal to hear that. I never questioned my sexuality, it didn't matter who I married, as long as I got married, I had someone by my side, who I could listen to every day, who was there for me, who put up with me.I lose the conversation for a while, the carriage moving, I remember my goal, to end this marriage. I let go of Érszavet's hand, she doesn't even notice, and even as I move I open the door, I don't look back before running down the street between the other cars, hearing screams and horns. Gilbert says in his thick, almost hoarse voice - Bourgeois shit! - The step of the horses stops, I can't see if they are following me, I follow my institution.I turn a corner, take a deep breath at the sight of a set of stairs leading down, maybe into the sewer, maybe closer to a river, and I jump down. I'm not good at that, I don't run fast but I can get up fast, I never have low blood pressure, maybe high yes, but never low.Looking ahead, a totally clean river, hard to see these days with the invasion of machines. The light hit against the water and illuminated everything around. Some gentlemen were feeding the pigeons nearby, and a small boat passes over me. For a moment I hear music playing, and I imagine myself there, with someone who will stay with me forever, someone I never get tired of, someone I can wake up to every day and give them everything they need. There I see myself, getting married, but this time happily.I can't see myself anywhere, I barely think as my face hits the ground. Before I know it Gilbert is on top of me, pinning a hand behind my back, I try to shift my feet, but he's braced somewhere that immobilizes me from doing that too. Very well trained, and strong, very strong. - You bourgeoisie, what the fuck are you doing? Had an attack of madness?? - He screams at the top of his lungs- Get off me, you madman! - I shout in response, the gentlemen who previously fed pigeons stop to see us - Help, there's a maniac on top of me! - I try to scream for help, maybe someone believes meI have to stop this addiction to lies if I want to marry someone.I want to marry someone, not Gilbert.Gilbert gives me controversial thoughts. But I know I'm not the right person for him, he has a lot of energy, and when he gets intimate he becomes a puppy after his owner. I can't have this life. How do I know if tomorrow I'll wake up still loving Gilbert Beilschmidt? I feel more human with these thoughts.I see myself being lifted by a single man, Gilbert leaves me standing, facing away from him. Gilbert is shorter than I am, so I hear his voice as if it's coming from the bottom of my ear - Look here, do you want a Germanic union or not? I know your shitty urge to declare war on Russia, it's okay, I'm here with youI want to explain that it's not about the union or the treaty, it's about everything that comes after it, about everything that he, Érszavet and I will have to go through. It's about not letting him have a horrible future.- You heard? - I turn, already free of his hands, cold with a glove over her. I haven't seen him wearing gloves in a while. - You are not alone like you used to be, you have me, Érszavet and now you have Ludwig, you hear?I can only say that yes, I heard him.He comes closer, he's too close, and he puts an arm around my shoulders, it's difficult with the difference in height, but he still manages it, and I remain silent, almost trembling under his touch.I'm selfish for not wanting him to let me go, I'm selfish for wanting to be with him.We go up the stairs, Érszavet waiting for me, leaning against the wall, arms crossed and the most beautiful eyes I've ever seen in my life, she looks completely angry, maybe with me, maybe with the destiny that brought us here.- Roderich Edelstein - It's me, and her calling me with her accent almost makes me melt - Are you suicidal?! Roderich Edelstein, it is not the first time thatI've been selfish my whole life, I can forgive myself for the last time. I move away from Gilbert and seal my lips with my wife's, I love her, I want to be with Érszavet and Gilbert for the rest of my life, even if one day I come to hate them, that I get tired of them and go back to isolating myself in a bedroom. I at least will have the memory of these last few years we spent together, I can't let this go- Dear! - Gilbert shouts at me from outside the bathroom, I look in the mirror, a simple man in tears looking at his own image, I open the door, and my fiance hugs me - What's going on? - I don't know what to answer, I don't know what to say, he speaks for me - I'm here for you- You always were - I hug him tighter, I feel good with him in my arms - Gilbert, I love you. I love you lots