Archive of Our Own

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1.

So how am I supposed to feel?
And how am I supposed to feel now?

(nothing,nowhere feat. Travis Barker-Destruction)

“Ah, yes, yes, like that.” I cry and tremble, bumping into the wall behind me. Finn collapses on me and kisses my neck. He moves away after a while and fixes his clothes. I do the same and lean against the wall, exhausted.

“What if we go back over there?” He proposes to me. I nod. He opens the door and immediately the loud music hits us, as the smell of sweat and smoke. Yet another party, yet another night spent fucking, getting drunk and getting high. My life is this and yes, it may seem like an empty and meaningless existence, but it is not. Or at least this is what I think.

“Clarke! It's a pleasure to see you!” someone calls me. I roll my eyes. Niylah Connel, the most annoying person of the entire Hollywood jet set. I fake a smile and try to get rid of her. In vain of course.

“They say you're working on a new album and that it could be the record of the year.”

“The intent is that, yes.” I answer, brazenly. Niylah grins.

“Well, good luck. It should surpass mine in terms of number of sales. I've been in the top chart for months.”. I bite my lip and I don't reply. I don't want to give her any satisfaction. I turn, desperately looking for Finn. I need to get out of this place.

“Well, have a good night. Please don't deceive yourself too much about your chances, country girl.” Niylah leaves me. She walks away and only now do I realize that I'm holding my breath.

“I'm not a country girl, I'm a singer, you ugly bitch!” I yell at her, but the music is so loud that I can't even hear my own words. I look around and finally find Finn, who is churning a few glasses of I don't know what kind of drink. I join him and I ask him to hand one to me. I swallow it, then spit it a second later.

“It's disgusting!” I say. Finn laughs.

“Yes, definitely.” he confirms. He takes me by the hand and is about to lead me somewhere, but I stop him. He glances at me, confused.

“I don't feel like it right now.” I explain to him. “Can we go home?”. He glares at me, incredulous.

“We have just arrived!” he replies.

“I know, but...”

“But my ass. We were having fun, what changed in a few minutes?”. I rub my neck. Yeah, what has changed? I don't really know either. All I know is that this room seems to me, all of a sudden, so small.

“Oh, come on, is it because of Niylah? Don't listen to her. Come on, let's enjoy the night.” I let out a sigh. I feel so out of place, but I can't resist him. I don't want to be alone. I don't want to think. I let myself be dragged into the bathroom. Finn fumbles with his pants and pulls a baggie full of white powder out of his pocket. I know it, I know what it is, even if I try to avoid it as much as possible. But not tonight. I feel the grains of dust going up my nostril and bringing me back to life. Or, maybe, they're just deluding me that I can deal with one. Finn enters me in an almost brutal way. There is no love in this union, just a desperate attempt to give a semblance of meaning to an otherwise completely miserable night. I'm full, yet so empty. I burst into tears on Finn's shoulder, but he doesn't even notice. I don't care. In fact, it's better that way. That's what I like about him, he doesn't ask questions. Not because he's afraid to see me run away terrified, but because he doesn't realize anything. I envy him a little, actually. I wish I was like him, and yet I can’t act like this. A thick veil of tears causes my vision to be blurrier and blurrier. Even all the sounds get muffled. I have a lump in my throat. What am I doing? Who am I? Clarke Griffin, an internationally and rising renowned singer, looking forward to releasing the album of the year. Yes, this is me. Maybe.

“Finn, I have to...” I mutter.

“Yes, me too.”

“No, you don’t understand, I have to...”. I don't hold back any further. I don't know what it is, whether alcohol, drugs or simple disgust, the fact is that I throw up on Finn's pants. He looks at me in shock and I don’t even manage to apologize to him. I run away, without saying a word. I completely ignore him yelling at me. I find myself in the middle of the crowd, again. The music is getting louder and louder and it's really low-level. The hypnotic rhythm dazes me. I feel the world revolving around me and I have nothing i can cling to anymore. A hand rests on my shoulder, but I don't care. I run outside and try to breathe as much fresh air as I can. I cough and burst out laughing. I can feel the shocked gazes of the people behind me. Not bad, they have just found the attraction of the night. They should thank me, if nothing else,  I'm making this party, that calling boring is an euphemism, funny. I head to the car and try to get in it, but I can't open it. I kick the door repeatedly, in vain. Finally, I decide to break the window and I get behind the wheel. The keys are in and all I have to do is turn them and start the car. I hear someone yelling my name, but I don't mind. I leave pedal to the metal, regardless of speed limits. Not that I don't know the consequences of my actions. On the contrary, I am perfectly aware of them. And that's exactly what I'm looking for. I'm driving at over 124 miles per hour in the middle of Beverly Hills and I don’t mean to take my foot off the pedal. Only at this moment do I realize that I am not sitting in my car. I burst into a loud laughter and I speed up further. God, I must have gone crazy. Although, to tell the truth, I feel particularly sober right now. I keep laughing, until two headlights dazzle me. The sound of a horn deafen me. I'm in the wrong lane. I swerve to the right, praying to be able to avoid the car that is coming on me. The car I’m into skids and I end up against a wall. I'm shaking. What is wrong with my my mind? What the heck am I doing? I shut my eyes, and then reopen them abruptly as soon as I hear the sirens of the police cars. Great, I'm in trouble now.

“Miss, get out of the car immediately!” an officer tells me. I sigh. I open the door and find myself on the asphalt, surrounded by three officers.

“Be careful, it's a designer dress.” I warn them.

“Do you think you're funny?” one of the cops tells me. He handcuffs my wrists and forces me to stand up. I try to wriggle myself free, but his grip is firm.

“You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can and will be used against you in a court of law. You have the right to have an attorney present during questioning. If you cannot afford an attorney...”. I burst out laughing.

“Do you even know who I am?” I ask, insolent. The officer tugs at me, annoyed.

“If you cannot afford an attorney, one will be appointed for you.” he finishes the sentence, and then seats me into the cop car. And, when the car leaves with sirens wailing, I realize that I'm in real trouble.

----- CHAPTER BREAK -----

2.

What if money wasn't part of success?
Would the people I used to be friends with never left?
What if making a name didn't come with regrets?
I think that fame's a pre-cursor to death

(MGK feat. Lzzy Hale-Spotlight)

“Clarke, this time you really crossed the line!”. John Murphy has been my agent for six years, one of the few people who has always been by my side. She found me by pure chance, while I was singing in a cheap club during a college night. That night everything changed. Murphy turned my life upside down, but he also gave me a chance to escape from all the pain that was tormenting me at home. In a certain sense he saved me, giving me the opportunity to do something good in my life. He helped me, giving me the chance to work with respectable musicians and professionals. He locked me up in a recording studio and what came out of it was my debut album, From The Sky. I still don't understand how, but it was so successful. Several Grammy nominations, prizes on prizes, a lot of money and a contract with Lightbourne Music, one of the world's leading record labels. It all looked like it was downhill. I just should have kept singing and writing songs. Yeah, it was that simple. I learned all too early that Mr. Lightbourne and I share two slightly different points of views about music. In fact, I turned out to be unable to write what he wanted and the result was City Of Light, an album I'm not proud of at all. Despite the exceptional sales and the worldwide success of this second work, it is a plain record, with absolutely nothing of mine. I didn't write a single song, I just sang. Murphy urged me to follow Lightbourne's advice, to trust him and so I did. Yeah, so I did.
“Clarke, for God’s sake, can you listen to me?”

“Uh? Sorry Murphy, I got distracted.” I say, coming back to reality. He snorts and shakes his head, dejected. He opens his mouth to say something, when the door of his office suddenly opens wide and Lightbourne himself enters. God, now this doesn’t look good, at all.

“Mr. Murphy, Clarke, good morning.” he greets us. There is nothing friendly about his tone of voice. On the contrary, he seems very mad at me. I bow my head and by sideways glance I can see my manager inhaling and exhaling convulsively, on the verge of a nervous breakdown. I know it's all my fault, but at the same time I'll never admit it.

“Mr. Lightbourne, it is a pleasure to have you here with us. Please sit down. Would you like a coffee? Mineral water? Or a d-...”

“Save the formalities, Mr. Murphy. I'm not here for a social call, you know that. What happened will cost my record company an insane amount of money. And no, I'm not just talking about bad publicity. Clarke, do you know who the car you stole belonged to?”. I shake my head, in shame.

“I thought it was mine.” I mutter, in a pathetic attempt to justify myself. I am perfectly sure that Murphy would like to take my head off right now and I can’t blame him for that.

“Well, just no, the Ferrari you drove yesterday wasn't yours, Clarke. It was a custom-made model that Diana Sidney, the actress, had just purchased from Italy. Let's add the money for the bail and those to prevent you from ending up in court. Do you know how much it costed to convince the police chief to only make you pay a simple fine? We both know what they would have found in your blood if they had run on you a toxicology test.”. I feel a lump in my throat. I know he's right and that I acted irresponsibly, but I can't do anything about it.
“I'm sorry, it won't happen again.” I mutter. Lightbourne bursts out laughing loudly, followed by Murphy who imitates him only by inertia, he actually would like to cry. I am laughing too, when Lightbourne bangs his hands on the desk, causing me to jerk. I swallow and slide my chair back. He gets up and starts walking back and forth around the room. I've never seen him so angry, not even when Cage Wallace's In The Mountain set the decade's negative sales record.
"You’re sorry? No, the truth is you don't give a damn about what happened yesterday, as long as there is always someone willing to clean up the road of shit that you miserable singers leave around."

“I-I thought I was an important element for the record company, sir.” I reply, and then immediately regret it. Murphy glares at me, while Lightbourne looks at me with a gaze full of pity. I'm destroying myself with my own hands and the most incredible part of it all is that I'm not even trying to stop myself from committing this suicide.
“Clarke, let me explain something to you.” he tells me. “No one is indispensable here. The only thing that matters is functionality. Your music has brought me great advantages so far. The sales of your two albums were incredible and City Of Light was much more successful than I expected. And yet, and I want to be clear, all of this doesn't make you an artist you can include in the pantheon of the greats, Clarke. And do you know why?”. I shake my head in no. Lightbourne grins, aware of the power he has over me. I flatten myself against the back of the chair, as if I wanted to disappear. And probably I really want that.
“Because you don't have the mentality. You make the numbers and that's important, but what matters in this environment is the continuity, the ability to settle in and survive in an ocean full of sharks ready to tear you up. Do you have this ability, Clarke?”. I don't answer that last question and I keep staring at the floor, in deep embarrassment. Lightbourne shakes his head.

“As I imagined. Mr. Murphy will show you what we have thought for you. It's the last chance I give you, don't waste it.” he states. I raise my gaze and give him a confused look, but I don't say anything.

“Have a nice day.” he leaves, finally. As soon as he walks out the door, I turn to Murphy in search for some explanation, but all I get is a decidedly too cryptic smile. He checks the watch on his wrist and I understand that we are waiting for someone.

“Are you going to talk to me and tell me something?” I ask, impatient. Murphy sighs.

“One minute and I'll be able to do it.” he responds. I roll my eyes and stare at the wall. After a time that seems endless to me, the door opens again and a girl more or less my age, with long brown hair and big hazel eyes, crosses the threshold, smiling at me as soon as she sees me.

“Raven!” I exclaim, surprised to see her. “What are you doing here?” I ask her.

“John called me. Are you okay? I watched the news, it was terrible. Clarke, you could have died!". Yeah. Maybe that was exactly what I wanted. I don't have the courage to say it out loud, they would slam me into rehab and that's the last thing I need right now.

“It was just a stunt, you're exaggerating. I had everything under control.” I retort. Another lie. My life is studded with lies that I especially tell myself, all the time.

“That's enough, Clarke! You listened to Lightbourne, didn't you? If you don't do as we say you're out, did you get it or not?". I nod, biting my lip. I close my eyes. I feel a tear wet my cheek, but i wipe it away with the back of my hand. I'm so tired.

“Clarke, you won't like what I'm going to tell you, but at the moment we haven't found any better idea.” I am nervous. I don't have the mere idea where Murphy wants to go with this, but I have a horrible feeling. Raven puts a hand on my shoulder, to calm me down.

“I called your mother.”. I widen my eyes, in disbelief. “Tomorrow you are leaving for Polis. You'll stay there for a month, Raven will come with you to make sure you won’t get yourself in trouble. You will relax yourself, understand what you want, and work on the new album.”. I don't know what to answer. I burst out laughing, without any restraint. Murphy and Raven look at me, perplexed.

“Great joke, guys. For a moment I really believed that you would send me into the hole I ran away from six years ago.” I say, but when I notice that there is no sign of irony in their eyes the whole world collapses on me. “Wait, are you serious?”. Murphy and Raven nod and I almost burst into tears. I can't go back there. I simply can't go back.

“Clarke, I know you don't want to, but the alternative is you to end up in jail. Your career would be destroyed and, at that point, you would have to go home anyway and for much longer.” my agent says. I look at him with bitterness. I know he's right and I have no other choice.

“But I can't force Raven to stay with me for a month. It wouldn't be fair!” I play the last card left.

“Clarke, I'm your assistant and your best friend, there's no other place I'd like to go. And don't worry, I'll have no problem going back to Los Angeles if I ever need it.”. I should be happy to have a friend who cares so much about me, but the truth is that right now I just can't do it.

“What about Finn? I should have left with him for a trip to France tomorrow and...”

“Forget that idiot, he's the last person you need now.” Murphy interrupts me.

“He's my boyfriend!” I protest.

“Yeah, but for now you will have to settle for a long-distance relationship. We'll see if he can visit you later, but from tomorrow it's just you and Raven, no one else.”. I shake my head. I just have to accept this.

“Okay.” I give up.

“Good girl. Hold on, this is the list of songs for the next album, Lightbourne wants you to choose twelve. Here's the cd with the recordings.”. I grab the papers and the disc that Murphy hands me and turn them around in my hands. I sigh. I'm trapped.

----- CHAPTER BREAK -----

3.

Tired of waiting around

Now, what are we becoming

Keep the car running

(Goo Goo Dolls-Keep The Car Running)

Two headlights in the night. Noisy voices of people. My head is pounding. Everything spins around me. The sounds are terribly muffled. I can’t hear anything, just an annoying ringtone. The phone, it's ringing. The phone.
 
The phone! I open my eyes and jerk. It's Raven. Shit, I'm late and I haven’t even packed up. I stand still with my mobile phone in my hand, undecided whether to answer or not. In the end, I give up and slide my thumb along the screen, then bring the phone closer to my ear. I sigh, waiting for my friend to roast me, something that she, of course, does.

“Clarke, where the hell are you? I'm waiting for you out here!”. Okay, she's definitely mad. I can't blame her, I should have woken up at least an hour ago.

“Erm... I'm coming Rae, I'm getting ready.” I lie, shamelessly.

“Okay, I get it. I’m coming in to help you with your luggage.”. I timidly try to protest, in vain. After a few minutes my bedroom bursts open, causing me to fall out of bed. Raven opens the curtains and I immediately cover my eyes and roll on the floor, whining as a child. Raven stares at me, her hands at her hips, annoyed. I look sideways at her and I understand that it’s better i end this whole charade as soon as possible. I get up and, sitting on the bed, I start to get dressed.

“So Griffin, where are your suitcases?” Raven asks me.

“In the wardrobe.” I answer. She opens the doors and throws the suitcases on the floor, then rudely fills them with clothes.

“Hey! You’ll damage them, be careful!". I see her clench her fists, then she turns to me and puts two hands on my shoulders with a threatening gaze. I swallow, scared.

“You're incredible, Griffin.” she says, slightly pushing me back. “Listen, I know you don't like the idea of going home, but it's for your own good, believe it or not. What happened two days ago was the final straw, Clarke. You've been losing control for a year, maybe getting away from this city and this environment will do you good.”. I scrunch my own nose to try to bring back the tears. Yes, maybe Raven is right, leaving might be the most sensible thing to do. Despite my efforts, I can no longer hold back and I burst into tears. Raven sighs and sits next to me. She holds me to herself and cradles me gently.

“I’m sorry.” I mutter, wiping my face with my arm. “It's just a stressful time, it will pass.”.
“I know Clarke, I know. And that's why you need to pause all of this. Listen, I've known you for six years now, since you were just a shy country girl who got lost at subway stops. I beg you Reyes, keep your eyes on her, this is what John told me the first time we met. I was just an intern, but I made my promise and I'm not going to break it right now. I can't see you in this state and if Lightbourne and John think going home can help you, I think it's worth a try.”. I nod, while biting my nails. I shake my head. It's always so complicated for me to explain how I feel. I've never been so good with words, ironic for a person who decided to be a singer as a profession. And yet, writing a song is so different. In front of a blank sheet of paper I have time to sort my thoughts, to understand first and foremost what I feel. In front of other people everything is so different. I am different. Or, maybe, only  in front of that blank sheet I am different. That's probably why I haven't written a song in over a year.
“Come on, let's go. I parked turning on the turn signal, if we wait a little longer the police will take my car.”I watch Raven stand up from the bed and close the suitcase. I smile and follow her. I finish getting ready and checking that everything is in order. I lock the door and reach Raven in the car. When we leave, I feel a lump in my throat. I sigh. I turn around, while behind me my house is getting smaller and smaller.

“I took your guitar too, I hope you aren’t upset about it.” Raven claims. I shake my head.

“And what am I supposed to do with it? They simply asked me to choose some tunes and sing them on an instrumental they already provided to me.”

“You never know. Maybe the inspiration will come back to you.” my friend replies.

“Yes, in Polis. Rae, you have no idea where we're going.” I say. Raven glances at me, curious.

“No, I don't know. You never told me about your life before Los Angeles, after all.” I bite my lip and turn to the window. We took the highway that will take us to the Arkadia region and the landscape has already changed a lot. I missed the conifers, I have to be honest.

“Clarke?” Raven calls me back.

“Uh, yes, I... Well, there's not much to say. I grew up in a very small town. Polis is surrounded by mountains and hills, there is literally nothing else. We all know each other, in some way. I've always been there, every now and then we used to go on holiday to the sea, but then my mother's work shifts became prohibitive." I begin to tell.

'Work shifts?' Raven asks.

“Yes, my mother is a doctor at Polis General, the city hospital and the only one in the valley. She is an oncologist. It's funny, as a child I dreamed to become like her. When Murphy found me in that pub, I was attending my sophomore year of college. I was studying medicine.” I explain. “Sometimes I regret not finishing my studies, but at the same time I think it's better that way.”

“Well, it didn't go so bad for you.” Raven observes. I stretch out on the seat, the gaze lost among the great pine forests and mountains that, by now, have taken the place of the coastal landscape to which I am accustomed.

“Yeah.” I sigh. I don’t say anything else. I prefer Raven to believe that me thinking like this about myself is due to my career as a singer. For now, only I know that this is not the case. And I hope no one else will ever find out. I outline the window glass with my finger. We still have many hours of travel ahead of us and I do nothing but think about how much the landscape and the weather outside of this car change all the time. There was a time when the fascination with the miracle of nature in which the human being is mysteriously immersed would have pushed me to capture every detail, with my mind first and with my music later. Unfortunately, that Clarke is gone. I am no longer able to do such a thing. Maybe I'm no longer able to be completely mesmerized and that's the saddest thing. Everything is so colorless, so tasteless. Everything is so empty.
  To my surprise, we stop at a small motel on the street. When I ask Raven for some explanation, she responds that this is Murphy's decision.
“What if they recognized me? I mean, I understand the car trip, I certainly couldn't get to Polis by plane or helicopter. But the motel is too much." I object.

“Clarke, we are in the middle of nowhere and the guy at the reception would be a hundred years old, relax.” she reassures me. I don't protest any further and I follow her. For being a motel along a highway, it's not even bad, after all.

“I haven't slept in such a place in centuries.” I say, as I slip under the covers.

“I haven’t done it since last year.” I turn to my friend and gaze at her with eyes full of curiosity.

Raven raises her hands, as a sign of surrender.
“It was during the summer holidays, those after the promotional tour of the special edition of City Of Light. I was dating a guy obsessed with motorsport and...-". I interrupt her, frowning. “Oh, don't look at me like this, I never told you about that because it wasn't a serious thing. At least, not for me, I left him after the summer. We had fun though, we took a little motorcycle ride. We stayed in several places like this.” she keeps explaining.
“I didn't imagine you were so enterprising.” I confess.

“You don't get to do my job if you're don’t love risking, Clarke. And now sleep, we have a long journey ahead of us tomorrow.”. Only in this moment do I realize that tomorrow I will spend the first night at my mother's house after six years. Suddenly I’m in panic and my stomach is in knots. An arm surrounds me and gently cradles me. Raven is holding me. Probably my hiccups woke her up.

“Clarke, everything will be fine.” she tries to give me courage.

“Rae, I haven't seen her in six years. What am I supposed to tell her?” I ask, desperate. Raven doesn't answer me and keeps rocking me, as if I were a little girl. Gradually, perhaps also for the tiredness of the trip, despite everything, I give in to Morpheus. I wake up around four in the morning, in the throes of nightmares. I get up and head to the bathroom. The mirror reflects a familiar figure, yet so unknown at the same time. I don't recognize myself, I can't. I shake my head and freshen myself up, without giving in to the temptation to destroy that mirror with a fist. When Raven wakes up, I've been dressed for several hours already. She doesn't ask me questions, she already knows the answers. She gets ready and, after paying, we get back on the road. Another ten hours in this car, I could vomit.

“Don't worry, lunch for today is in my backpack in the back seat.”. I nod in silence, relieved by that news. I'm not going to stop on the street, it would be too risky. I spend the day rather quietly. I don't even enjoy the songs on the radio, as I'm so lost in my thoughts. I'm scared. I'm not ready to see my mother and my old friends again. Not after all that happened between us. Not after everything I did.

“Hey, we've arrived. Welcome home.”' Raven brings me back to reality. I rush from my thoughts, as if lead is tied to my hips. The road crosses an immense coniferous forest, which suddenly widens and then surrounds a small town, a miserable group of buildings that occupy a fairly small area. All around, the mountains guard the valley, majestic. I look out the window. It's all as I remembered it, and yet, at the same time, everything is so different. I feel like a fish out of water, completely.

“Here we come, it should be this one.”. I nod. I get out of the car and head to the door, without even helping Raven with the luggage. My legs are shaking. I can't believe she hasn't even changed this horrible green door. I look up. The fixtures are red, just like when I used to live here. It's like time has stopped for six years. Maybe it is really so. I turn to Raven, who gestures me to knock. I swallow. I reach out and ring the doorbell. My heart is in my throat. I hear someone tinker with the lock from the inside. Slowly, the door opens, but when I find myself in front of a child, I look at him confused.

“Hi.” he greets me. He must be five years old and he is very blond.

“Um, hi. Is Abby Griffin home? And who are you?”. The child looks at me, probably to see if he can trust me or not.

“Auntie Abby, they want you!” Auntie? Since when has my mother been an aunt?

“Sweetheart, who is it?”. I jolt. That voice... But no, it's not possible. And yet, I would recognize it among a thousand different voices. I try to to back down, but my legs are two pieces of wood.

“Abby is busy at the moment-... You?”. I bite my lip, trying not to burst out laughing. Two emerald green eyes fathom me, in shock.

“Hi Lexa. Where is my mother?"

----- CHAPTER BREAK -----

4.

And I think this house is not my home

I think that I'd rather be alone tonight

I'm trying, trying to fake it

(Zebrahead-House Is Not My Home) 
   
“Hi Lexa. Where is my mother?". The woman in front of me keeps squinting, her mouth wide open. She is in disbelief and, I must admit, I am too. I never thought I could see her again, not at my mother's house at least.

“Lexa, I’ve asked you a question.” I insist. I see her shaking her head and raising her arms.

“Yes, I'm sorry. Abby is upstairs, in her study.”

“her study?” I get nervous. “Now she calls it her study?”

“Yes, sorry, I forgot.” the woman replies, rolling her eyes. “Anyway she's upstairs, if you come in then I'll go get her.” I fake a smile and follow her inside the house. I turn to Raven, who is still inside the car. I beckon her to join us and she obeys, albeit quite clumsily and insecure.

“Lexa, this is Raven Reyes, my personal assistant. Rae, she's Lexa Woods, a longtime friend.” I introduce her.

“It’s a pleasure. Where do you want the bags?” Raven asks. Lexa gestures her to leave them in the hallway and to sit in the living room. We are alone and I watch her close the door with a melancholy air. Lexa Woods, it fees like centuries since I last heard about her, four years ago. She had just sent me her wedding invitation. Invitation that I immediately threw in the bin. She and I were best friends since we were children. Despite a very turbulent childhood, she has always been ready to help others. Maybe it was her generosity that caused me to feel a very strong affection towards her. The relationship with her kept me afloat for years, especially during our teenage years. And then I threw everything away.

“She didn't tell you, did she?” I start. She raises her gaze and shakes her head in no.

“She wouldn’t have the time. Your mother and I are very busy.” she replies, her voice so harsh. She overtakes me, walking fast towards the stairs. I chase her and pull her by her arm, forcing her to turn around. A green wave immediately hits me, leaving me breathless for a few seconds. She wriggles out of my grip and pushes me back.

“Lexa, I...” I try to say.

“I'm going to call your mother. Go back to your friend." she cuts short. I nod and decide to obey, even if unwillingly. When Raven sees me crossing the threshold of the living room, she reaches me, giving me a rather enigmatic look.

“She seems pretty mad at you.” she notes. “What did you do to her?”

“I didn't go to her wedding.” I answer, evasive.

“Does she get mad so easily? I mean, I’m sure you were on tour on the other side of the world."

“I was at home that day, yes. I was supposed to be the maid of honor.”. Raven looks at me in utter shock.

“T-the maid of honor?” she stutters, incredulous.

“Yup. Obviously when she asked me I didn't rely her, so I think she had to choose someone else. Maybe she asked Octavia or maybe Anya, who knows."

“You didn’t reply her?” Raven doesn't believe her ears. I can’t blame her, not at all.

“No Rae, I didn't. Then, when I got the invitation, I threw it in the trash can. Obviously she doesn’t know this detail, but I think she can easily imagine it.”. Raven is staring at me with her mouth wide open, desperately looking for something to say. She is about to ask me a few more questions, when the sound of footsteps causes us to turn around. My mother is by the door, standing still. I bow my head, unable to sustain her gaze.

“Clarke!” She exclaims, running towards me and holding me tight. I stiffen, totally caught by surprise.

“Clarke!” She repeats, as if she isn’t fully convinced of my presence yet. She moves away just enough to be able to look at my face and caresses my hair. I feel extremely uncomfortable.

“Hi mom.” I mutter.

“You're beautiful.” she whispers to me, not letting go of my arms even for a second. I decide to take control of the situation before it becomes too embarrassing.

“Mom, this is Raven, my assistant.”

“Oh, yes, Raven Reyes.” she says, shaking her hand. “Murphy told me about you. I'm Abby, nice to meet you.”

“The pleasure is all mine, Mrs. Griffin.” my friend introduces herself. A sudden silence falls, interrupted only by the ticking of the big clock hanging on the wall of the living room, a gift from my grandmother to my father.

“Well, I made up the guest bedroom for Raven, I hope it's not a problem. As for you Clarke, you're going to sleep in your old room.” my mother explains. She's tense, she seems excited and nervous at the same time and I feel so guilty. I know I should have visited her in these years, but I just haven't been able to. I nod to her I’ve understood and I go to the stairs, followed by Raven. I show her her room and then I head to mine. I'm at the door and my heart is in my throat. I reach out and caress the wood. Behind this door there is a world of memories that, little by little, resurface overbearingly in my mind. I sigh. I circle the handle with my fingers and pull, slightly. When I enter, I jerk. My room is not exactly as I remembered. Well, shelves and bookcases are where I left them, but next to my books and cds it's full of

toys. I wander around my room quite confused, when I stumble into what looks like a toy car and find myself on the floor. I roll on my stomach and sit down, then massage my back.

“What a hit.” I complain.

“Are you okay, ma'am?”. I turn around. A five-year-old boy with very blonde hair and dark eyes is peering at me, worried. I recognize him, he's the one who opened the door before. I smile at him, to make him understand that nothing serious has happened.

“I’m fine, thank you.” I reassure him.

“Is auntie Abby your mom?” he asks me. I still don't understand why he calls my mother like that, but I decide not to investigate too thoroughly right away.

“Yes, she is. Who are you?" I ask.

“I am...”

“Aden! Get out of there!” Lexa rushes to my rescue and helps me get up.

“Nothing broken? I'm sorry, I always tell him to pick up his toys.”. I know I should ask her questions right now, but all I can do is open my mouth wide and stand still. She seems to notice and gives me an amused grin, the same a person happy to have displaced who is in front of them gives.

“Aden is my son, if that's what you want to know.” she says, finally. I widen my eyes, in disbelief. Her son? And since when has she had a son?

“But your got married just...”

“Four years ago, that's right.”. I stare at her, cursing my inability to close my mouth. Lexa barely manages to not burst into laughter. I expect her to give me some explanation, but she takes Aden by the hand and walks him to the door instead. She crouches down at his height and gently caresses his forehead, then snaps a kiss on it.

“Go to auntie Abby, I'll catch up with you right away.”. She watches him go downstairs, careful that he doesn't fall. Once she is sure that there is no danger to Aden, she slowly turns towards me. She has a fierce look, full of anger and resentment against me. Not that I can blame her to be honest.

“Lexa, I...”

“No, don't even try. I don't want to hear your excuses, I don't care.” she cuts short. Her words hurt me and it's paradoxical, since I was the first to behave in a really bad way. I bow my head, unable to look at those two green eyes so furious at me. She steps towards me and crushes me against the wall. I swallow, completely paralyzed.

“Stay away from him, Griffin. Don't look at him, don't talk to him, don't play with him. I don't want him to see you as a friend Clarke, because that’s not what you are." she hisses, just to step back right after and leave me some room. She walks to the door and gets out of my bedroom, without saying a word. I sigh and fall on the bed, barely holding back my tears. What the heck am I doing here? I'm starting to think that going to rehab would have been a much better idea than coming back home. I punch the pillow and choke on a scream. Home. As if I felt home right now.

“Clarke?” My mother calls me back, bringing me back to reality. She enters shyly and approaches me, until she sits next to me. We remain silent for a time that seems infinite to me, incapable of saying or doing anything. We haven't seen each other and talked in six years after all, we are two perfect strangers in each other's eyes. Or, at least, this is what I keep telling myself.

“Mom.” I finally start, breaking that bubble that we have created. “I know you're happy that I'm here, but I want you to be aware of the fact that it was a choice that’s not on me.”. I see her biting her lip very hard, for a few moments I'm afraid she'll tear it. She's trying hard not to burst into tears, I'm sure if it. I didn't want to be so brutal.

“Listen, don't...”. She gestures me to be quiet.

“Clarke, I know that. Your manager explained to me perfectly what the situation is and I don't expect you to be happy to be back here. I'm just glad to have you before my eyes again.”. Her honesty is so disarming that it hurts me. I shake my head. There are so many things I’d like to tell her, so many explanations I’d like to give her. And yet, what would be the point of all this now? What would it be the purpose of this after six years?

“We're having dinner in an hour.” she states, caressing my leg.

“Is Lexa having dinner with us too?” I ask, perhaps more out of fear than out of curiosity.

“No, she and Aden go home on Sunday.”

“In Boston?” I ask, without understanding. I know for a fact that, once married, she and her wife had moved there. My mom shakes her head in no, an amused smile on her lips.

“No Clarke, they go back to their house. They live in Cadogan Street, but because of her job Lexa is often forced to bring Aden here. Anya has to get up too early for a child, while between me and Marcus the time schedules are more practical.” she explains to me. “By the way, he arrived a little while ago, he told me to inform you that he will come by to say hi to you after he has had a shower. He and Nyko still go hiking with the guys on Sundays and each time they come home dirtier than before.”. I find myself smiling thinking of Marcus and Nyko surrounded by my old friends, but the whole thing lasts just a fraction of a second.

“Well, so we're waiting for you and your friend downstairs.”. I nod, as I watch her get out of my room. I sigh and let myself fall on the mattress. Welcome back home Clarke. Yes, welcome home.

----- CHAPTER BREAK -----

5.

Is it my indifference or do you look that much different?

(Homesafe-Stranger)

I'm still sleeping blissfully, when the door opens wide and Raven comes in making a loud noise. My eyes snap open and I jolt, slamming the back of my head against the headboard.

“Rae, that’s not the way to wake me up!” I complain, but she glares at me, annoyed. I don't understand what her problem is.

“And now what's up?”

“It's eleven in the morning, Clarke. You were supposed to be up two hours ago. You have some songs to choose, your mother found a pretty good place where we can work without being bothered.”. In response, I yawn loudly. Raven clenches her fists and steps forward towards me.

“Rae, wha-...”. I don't have time to finish the question and I find myself on the floor.

“As I said, it's time to get up. Get dressed, I'll be waiting for you downstairs.”. I snort, but I don't complain any further. I get up and get ready, then I join my best friend. I find her trying to read some papers, sitting on the sofa in the living room. She turns to me and gives me an affectionate smile, which I am not able to fully reciprocate. I bite the inside of my cheek and rub my neck. I feel incredibly uncomfortable and I don't know why. I watch Raven get up and beckon me to follow her. I don't resist and, in silence, we leave the house and walk to the car. Raven sets up the sat nav and begins to drive to our mysterious destination.

“Where are we going?” I ask, curious.

“Your mother told me that there is a rehearsal room not far from here. I booked it for the whole day, there is also a small recording studio and they told me we can use it without any problem.”. I listen distractedly to Raven's explanation, as I try to text Finn. I didn't even say goodbye to him, we should have been together in Paris now.

“And about this...” Raven says, grabbing my cell phone out of my hand. “you don't need it.”.

“Hey!” I complain, but she doesn't give it back to me. “Rae, I remind you that I can fire you whenever I want.”. She glares at me and doesn't reply. She opens the car window and throws the phone on the road. I widen my eyes, in disbelief.

“Are you insane? Stop the car!” I cry. “Raven, please!” I insist. I'm begging her, I would get down on my knees if I could. Raven sighs and pulls the car over, albeit reluctantly. I rush to the road to retrieve my cell phone. Fortunately, it is intact. I am about to get back in the car, when I hear someone calling me loudly. I turn around. A girl with long dark hair runs towards me, her gaze full of shock. Shit, Octavia Blake, this isn’t good at all.

“As I live and breathe! Griffin, is it really you?” she exclaims. “Where’d you come from? What are you doing here? When did you come back?”. I literally feel overwhelmed by all the questions she is asking me, so much so that I'm afraid of drowning into them. I turn to Raven, looking for help. My friend gets out of the car and joins us, reaching out her hand.

“Raven Reyes, nice to meet you.”

“Octavia Blake, the pleasure is all mine. Is she your girlfriend, Griffin?”. I force myself not to burst out laughing in her face.

“No, I'm her personal assistant.” Raven responds. Octavia shakes her head, in a mixture of admiration and obvious confusion. She, Lexa and I grew up together. We were inseparable, always ready to get into trouble. And then, I left. Although, in all honesty, our relationship had already begun to crack some time prior.

“Well, you haven't answered me yet. How long have you been here?”. Damn, I hope she had forgotten that question.

“I... Erm... I've been here since yesterday.”

“And how long are you going to be here? Will you stay?" she asks me, probably hoping for a yes that, however, I can't tell her.

“I'm only going to stay here for a month, just enough time to get some rest and choose the songs for my next album.”. I see Octavia's gaze fill with disappointment and it surprises me somewhat. At the end of the day, we haven't seen each other in years.

“Well, I have to go.” I cut short, getting back in the car. I feel like she wants to tell me something, but I don't give her time to do it. I urge Raven to leave, without giving her any further explanation. My friend rolls her eyes and obeys, even though she seems somewhat annoyed by this situation. When we get to our destination, I follow Raven and look around, curious. This studio must be new, it didn’t exist when I left.

“You must be Miss Reyes, right?”. I jolt. This voice... No, it's not possible. I turn slowly, my eyes closed and my heart pounding in my chest.

“Clarke?”. I open my eyes slowly, one at a time. Bellamy Blake, Octavia's older brother, as well as my high school best friend, is standing in front of me, even more shocked than his sister.

“Hi Bell.” I mutter, very embarrassed. He stands still, motionless, his mouth open in the absurd attempt to formulate a meaningful sentence. Raven looks at us contrite, almost sorry for what’s just happened. I sigh and shake my head. Bellamy looks at me like I could disappear again at any moment.

“Clarke.” he whispers almost imperceptibly.

“Yes, it's me.”. I would like to tell him that I'm sorry and explain to him what happened, but I can't. I can't do it.

“How long have you been here? How long are you going to stay?”. Bellamy has always understood me better than his sister. He already knows that I won't stay here forever. On the contrary, I can't wait for this month to pass quickly.

“I arrived yesterday, I'm only going to be in Polis for a month.” I say. Bellamy nods and tries to smile at me, but what comes out of it is a forced grimace. It hurts me to see him like this. I step forward towards him and reach out my hand, terrified of his rejection. I'm holding my breath and I don't even realize it. Time both stops and expands indefinitely, while I lose perception of the world around me.

“God, come here.” he says, understanding my intentions and abandoning himself to a hug that soon turns into us cradling each other, in tears.

“I'm sorry.” I whisper.

“I know.” he reassures me.

“I would really like to explain everything to you, but...”. He doesn’t let me finish. He pulls away from the hug and looks me straight in the eyes. He caresses my forehead and smiles at me.

“Clarke, I don't care now. What matters is that you’re here.”

“Thank you.” I mumble in a very low voice. We keep hugging each other a little longer, until Raven clears her voice, reminding us of her presence.

“I don't want to disturb, but we have work to do.” she says. I take a step back, a little unwillingly.

“Rae is right. By the way, I didn't even introduce you to each other.”

“Don't worry, we met on the phone.” Bellamy explains to me. “She booked on her behalf, that's why I had no idea you were here. Come on, I'll make my way to you.”. We wander around the building, until we get to a recording studio. It's quite big and has all the necessary equipment , I'm impressed. Even the microphones look better than some crap I found in Los Angeles.

“I started this place a couple of years ago. I produce some local musicians, usually they ditch us as soon as a major offers them a real contract, but it's not bad.” he says.

“Have you done all of this on your own?” I ask. Bellamy chuckles amused.

“Absolutely not! This idiot here wouldn't even know how to turn on a computer, how do you think he can do anything without me?". I turn around. A boy of Asian origin joined me, leaning against the door.

“Monty!” I exclaim, amazed to see him.

“As I live and breathe, Clarke!” another dark-haired guy runs towards me.

“Jasper!” I sigh, as I let him hug me. Bellamy watches us, a smile painted on his face.

Monty and Jasper have always been very close to him. They were inseparable, despite being so different. In particular, Bellamy took Jasper under his wing during a very complicated time of his life. I would never have said that, but I miss spending time with them.

“Well, let's get to work. Here's the CD with the tracks, Clarke has to listen to them all first, then she has to choose them and, finally, record the vocal part.” Raven brings us back to reality. Bellamy glances perplexed at me, but doesn't ask any questions. He inserts the record into the player, while Monty starts the first song. On the first notes they look at me, appalled. I know what they want to ask me. I know they can't understand how I went from writing songs to singing this crap composed by other people. I blush with shame and bow my head, trying to avoid their gazes. When the second song starts, though, I can't stand any further. I stand up from my seat and lean against the wall.

“I want to go back to Los Angeles.” I mumble. Raven puts a hand on my shoulder and gives me a smile full of understanding.

“You know you can't, I'm sorry.”. I shake my head and clench my fists. Bellamy, Monty and Jasper keep looking at me curious and confused at the same time. I turn to them.

“I know what you’re thinking, I don’t like this stuff either.” I say.

“And why do you sing it?” Bellamy asks, disarming. Poor Bell, how simple you make it.

“It's about work, I can't back down. Also, I doubt that what I would write today would sell.” I answer.

“So, do you still write?” he asks, hopeful. I don't even know why he cares. I chain my eyes to his. I swallow. I wish I could answer him yes, I want it so much.

“No. I'm no longer capable of it Bell, I'm sorry.” I finally state. He nods not too convinced and we resume listening to the audio tracks that Murphy gave me. Maybe Bellamy is right, maybe I should let it go and compose an album of my own, with a soul. Yes, that would be nice, but Lightbourne would tear me apart and Murphy would do that too. I have to be able to produce a record that sells, this is the purpose we set ourselves and I have to respect it. It must be said that, however, the tracks they have proposed to me are really terrible.

“Does the guy you work for know that people like good music too?” Bellamy insists.

“Listen Berry...” Raven starts, somewhat irritated.

“His name is Bellamy.” Jasper picks her up.

“As you want.” she cuts short. “We pay you to do what we ask for, not to comment on her music.”

“But it's not her music.” he replies and, for a second, I'm afraid Raven might jump on him. I glare at them both and beg them to stop. Monty shakes his head and restarts the music again, although I even notice a look full of judgment in him too. I listen to a few more songs and take notes, while I notice that Bellamy is more and more incredulous. I sigh and ignore him. Fortunately, the lunch break isn’t long in coming and I take the opportunity to catch my breath.

“We ordered some pizza, I hope it’s okay.” Bellamy announces. We nod, decidedly hungry. I bite a slice of pizza, glad I can put some food under my teeth.

“Clarke, can I ask you a question?” Jasper starts and I immediately stiffen.

“Only if it's not about my music.” I tell him.

“No, don't worry, it isn’t. Well, I don't know if you'll answer me, but I wanted to know if you missed us a little.”. I bow my head. Of the three of them, Jasper has always been the most fragile and I have always feared that me living caused him to suffer in a deeper, more radical way.

“Oh Jas, but of course I’ve missed you. It’s just that... It's complicated.”. I see them nodding, while behind me Raven keeps eating her pizza in silence.

“Have you seen her?” Monty then asks me and I almost choke on food.

“I think it’s a yes.” Bellamy comments. I smile nervously, praying that they shift the topic. It's going to be a long, very long month.

----- CHAPTER BREAK -----

6.

I still remember that promise

I made for you that day

"You've got to be more happy in your life"

But things just aren't alright without you

(Youth Fountains-Letters To Our Former Selves)

Polis is exactly the way I remembered it. It is a fairly small town, on the extreme border of the Arkadia region, in the north of the country. The winters here are quite harsh, but the landscape is unique. Polis is surrounded by mountains and dense woods and with the snow it becomes a magical, almost fairytale place. In summer, however, the sun is reflected on the rocks and it’s a breathtaking sight. As a child, I loved going to the woods with my father. He and Marcus were best friends and both worked as forest rangers. I grew up in nature and it grieves me to see that six years in Los Angeles failed to mitigate the affection I feel for these places. For better or for worse, I must admit, they are a part of my life, despite everything. I smile as I think about when my dad took me to Mount Weather for the first time. It was fall, maybe my favorite time of  the year. The mountains are tinged with incredible colors and the orange of the sunsets blends with the red of the leaves on the trees, giving life to something unique. I sigh and shake my head. As much as I missed all this, I should never have come back here. Sure, being with Bellamy, Monty and Jasper over the last couple of days has been funny, but I can't afford to get closer to them. I can't afford it. I would hurt them again and that's the last thing I want.

“Clarke, come here, I want to introduce you to a person.” Bellamy calls me, bringing me back to reality. I don't know why i let myself be convinced and decided to accept the invitation to this evening. Maybe, despite everything, I still want to see my friends, to know how they are doing and what they do. I follow Bellamy in the living room, trying to avoid the others’ gazes. Monty is sitting on the couch next to Harper, his long time girlfriend since high school whom he married shortly after me running away to Los Angeles, while Octavia is sitting at the table with Lincoln, one of Lexa's old best friends. I would have never thought that those two would end up together, I have to be honest.

“Clarke, this is Echo, my wife.” Bellamy introduces me to a girl about my age, but definitely taller and more athletic than me. I shake her hand, a little uncomfortable.

“It's a pleasure Clarke, it doesn't happen every day to meet a superstar.”. I shake my head, slightly embarrassed.

“I am a normal person. Or, at least, it’s what I’m trying to be.” I claim, and then look for Raven with my gaze. She is standing on the sidelines, next to Jasper. They both don't say a word and look a bit funny. I wonder how my friend is going through this time. Moving from the hectic life of Los Angeles to the quieter, more relaxed life of Polis is not easy for anyone. Especially for those who are used to going out every night clubbing. The noise of the front door opening causes me to jerk and distracts me from my thoughts. I turn around and just think about the fact that I want to run away. Lexa and her cousin Anya come in and, as soon as they see me, they stiffen. I swallow. Anya grinds her teeth and comes towards me. I step back, but not fast enough. Anya reaches me and grabs me by the collar of my shirt, then pushes me against the wall. I'm in panic.

“What the heck is she doing here, Bellamy?” she yells, angrily. I try to wriggle free from her grip, but it's all useless.

“Hey, leave her alone!” Raven runs to my rescue. Bad move.

“Leave her alone? And who are you to tell me what to do?” Anya replies.

“An, I'm happy to see you again, too.” I try to calm her down, without success. I see her charging her punch and I close my eyes, preparing to receive a punch that, however, never hits me. When I open them again, Anya is on the ground and Raven on top of her. She raises her arm threateningly and I can't help but stop her. She turns to me, confused.

“Rae, let her go.” I mutter. My friend doesn't understand, but she does as I told her. Anya gets up and cleans her mouth of blood. She approaches me again, her gaze full of hatred. I bow my head, in shame.

“I'm sorry.” I whisper. My gaze crosses Lexa's for a second. She is paralyzed, she probably didn't expect such a reaction from Anya either. I feel tears peeking out and my lips start to tremble. I don't even realize what I’m doing. All I know is that my legs take me out, without me being fully aware of it. I find myself in the garden, on my knees. This is not my home. Not anymore.
   
I'm sitting on the sidewalk that separates Bob's house from the street. I find myself immediately thrown into the past. It often happened that in the evening we found ourselves sitting on a sidewalk telling each other stories or looking at the stars. I shake my head. Those times will never come back. That Clarke will never come back.

“Hey.” I turn around. Jasper. I smile at him as I watch him sit next to me. If Bellamy was my best friend, Jasper was a sort of brother to me. He is such a fragile person, but at the same time so generous, that it is impossible not to love him. We used to play together, with Bellamy. You wouldn't say, but Jasper is an incredible drummer, endowed with extraordinary talent. He would have deserved more than staying in this place forgotten by everyone.

“Anya has calmed down and is now arguing with your friend. Lexa and Bellamy are keeping an eye on her.”. I nod, lost in my thoughts. I look up and bite my lip.

“You know, I haven't seen such a mesmerizing sky in years. There's too much light in Los Angeles.” I start. Jasper puts a hand on my shoulder. It’s like he wants to tell me something, but he is scared to express what he feels right now. I look at him, inviting him to talk. His eyes suddenly get sad and I start to worry.

“Jasper, what's going on?” I ask him. I hear him sighing.

“You're going to leave again, aren't you?” I feel a lump in my throat.

“Jas...”

“No, that's fine, I get it.”. I shake my head and caress his cheek. I hold him tight.

“You promised me Clarke.” he mumbles. “You promised me you would have always been there.”. I feel my heart breaking. I knew the consequences of my actions. When I left, I knew what my decision would have lead to. Still, it's as if only now the weight of my choice is really investing me. Jasper is right, I promised him that I would always have been there for him. I swore that to him.

“Jasper, I'm sorry. I would have liked to stay, but... I couldn't, you know?". He nods.

“Clarke, I know. It's just that... Oh, I mean Monty had Harper, Bellamy found Echo shortly after, Lincoln and Octavia got together, Lexa moved to Boston and Anya was always busy and split between her cousin and her friends here. But I, Clarke... I was left alone. Everyone had someone, but I didn't, I didn't have anyone anymore. You went away and when you cut us out I was left alone.". I bow my head, as I try not to burst into tears again. "And I don't blame you. After all, if I had had the chance, I would probably have done the same.”

“Jasper, I'm so sorry.” I mutter.

“Yes, me too.” he says. “But I hope it was worth it.”. I watch him standing up on his feet and heading to the door.

“Jasper!” I call him back. “I couldn't do otherwise, you know.”

“Maybe yes, maybe not. Who knows, Clarke? You just made a choice, that's all.” he replies, only to disappear beyond the door. Leaning against the wall, Lexa peers at me, her gaze indecipherable. I don't know how much she heard about what Jasper and I said to each other. I have no idea. I stand up and I’m about to go back too, but she prevents me from passing by. She opens her mouth to say something, but closes it right after. Her green eyes are begging me to give her an explanation, to help her understand what happened. I would love to, Lexa. I wish I could tell you by why I cut anyone out of my life, but I can't.

“I’m going to call Raven and leave, don't worry.” I say. She is torn, she would like to stop me. And yet, she doesn't protest. She moves away and allows me to pass, without saying a word. And, never like right now, I would have preferred her to stop me and prevent me from walking away from her once again.
   
I'm lying in my bed and I've been trying to fall asleep for hours. Raven is in her room and is soundly asleep, just like my mother and Marcus. I let out a sigh. I sit down and sink my face between my knees. Jasper's words constantly resonate in my mind, in an endless loop that gives me no respite. Only now do I touch the suffering that me running away has caused. I can keep lying to myself and pretend I don't care, but that's not the case. I touch the bedside table, in an attempt to find my cell phone. I unlock the screen, to call Murphy. He is the one who sent me here after all, he deserves to be woken up at 3:00 a.m. by a phone call. But who am I kidding? What do I want to tell him, that I would prefer rehab and the utter collapse of my career rather than being here? I put the phone on the bedside table and get up. The moonlight filtering through the curtains allows me to wander around my old room without too much hassle. My old books and CDs are next to Aden's toys, creating a decidedly eclectic and nuanced space. This room tells of a past, mine, and a present, Aden’s. I still don't quite understand why Lexa is forced to leave that child here at my mother’s place every now and then, but I'm glad my room is now his. I look at the drawings he hung on the walls. They portray what I presume are his mothers, Lexa and Costia. A sudden pit in my stomach forces me to pull my hand back. Who knows what happened and why Lexa is raising him on her own. I bite my lip. I have no right to ask her. I can't. I caress one of the drawings one last time and turn to the bookcase. My old notebooks are still stored on the shelves, as if time had never passed. I randomly take one of them and open it. I leaf through it, my heart in my throat. The lyrics of old songs that I didn't even remember writing overwhelm me, with no mercy. I think back to what Bellamy told me a few days ago. I lost my music. I lost my home. And, even though they seem so close to me, they've never been further away.

----- CHAPTER BREAK -----

7.

You can be honest with me now

Isn't it just what I deserve?

But you're not even honest with yourself

You never tell, I never learn

(Ira Wolf-Honest)

I feel my neck hurting as hell. I must have fallen asleep sitting on the floor tonight, a position that surely no doctor would recommend for optimal rest. I open my eyes slowly, trying to get used to the sunlight breaking through the curtains.

“Hi.”. I jerk, my heart in my throat and my heart racing. Aden is sitting in front of me, one of my notebooks in his hands. I rub my temples, while little by little my breathing comes back to normal.

“Didn't your mother teach you not to scare people who are still half asleep?” I ask.

“And didn't yours teach you to sleep on the bed?”. I am stunned, amazed at how bold such a small child can be.

“Oh... I'm... Um...” I stutter. He stares at me, waiting for an answer that I can't give him. I still don't know whether or not he is Lexa's natural son, the fact is that it terribly reminds me of her in the way he behaves. Both of them have the ability to shush you with the sheer force of their gaze. I stand up, struggling a little. My back must not have particularly enjoyed leaning against the bed all night.
“Do you suffer from arfisis?”
“Do I what?” I ask, not understanding what he has just asked me.

“

Arfisis

. Mom says that Mrs. Foster suffers from it.”. I chuckle, suddenly understanding what he is telling me.

“It’s called arthritis and anyway no, I'm perfectly healthy.”

“Mom says that if you have back pain it means you're sitting badly and so you're going to be sloucher. Are you going to be sloucher?"

“N-no, I’m not. I don't think so, at least.” I answer, taken aback by that question.

"Not even when you are older? Mom always says that...”

“Okay so, that's enough. I like you, but it's not even eight in the morning and my head is about to explode.” I try to shut him up. I feel worse than when I am in hangover because of how much he is talking. I walk him downstairs, hoping my mother or Marcus haven't already gone to work. To my great desperation, however, the house is deserted. There's not even sign of Raven and I am perplexed.

“Rae?” I call her, in vain. I don't understand. I'm trying to think about what to do when I feel something pull me down. I forgot I was with Aden.

“What’s up?” I ask, maybe a little too abruptly. He bows his head and big tears begin to roll down his cheeks. I'm panicking.

“No, no, hey.” I try to reassure him. “I’ve got you. What’s up? Do you need anything? Please stop crying.”. He doesn't answer and I don't have the slightest idea what to do. I crouch at his height and hesitantly place my hands on his shoulders. He raises his head and his dark eyes peers at me, full of sadness. I smile and caress his hair, insecure.

“I didn't want to answer you in such a bad way, I'm sorry.” I apologize. 'Can you forgive me?' He doesn't answer and I fear that he will start crying again, but after a few seconds I see him nodding with conviction and I breathe in relief.

“So, where were we?” I ask.

“I need to have breakfast.” he claims, with a shyness that didn't seem to belong to him a few minutes ago. I sigh and take his hand, walking him to the kitchen. I help him sit at the table and ask him what he usually eats in the morning.

“At home my mom warms my milk and gives me chocolate cookies.” Aden explains to me. Milk and cookies, it doesn't seem complicated. I approach the refrigerator and only now do I notice the note that Raven wrote for me. I read it and my jaws drop.

Hi Clarke, Abby and Marcus went to work early and I got an appointment at 7:30. Aden is already awake, you just have to let him have breakfast and help him get dressed, Lexa will pick him up at 8:30 a.m. Remember to cone to the studio by 9:00 a.m.

See you later, Rae.

I can't believe it, they really left me alone with a five-year-old. I burst out laughing hysterically, unable to stop thinking about the reaction that Lexa will have as soon as she is at that door and finds her son with me.

“So, are you going to warm my milk?” Aden brings me back to reality.

“Uh, yes. I'm sorry, I'll warm it up for you now.” I say. I pour some milk into a cup and put it in the microwave, then go desperately looking for cookies. After several attempts, I manage to find them.

“Et voilà!” I exclaim, giving everything to Aden. The child sinks his hand into the pack of cookies and grabs one, then sinks it into the hot milk.

“You can take them if you want.”. I sigh, a lump in my throat. I haven't had such a familiar moment in years.

“Thank you, but I don't usually have breakfast.”. He looks at me perplexed and shrugs, resigning himself to the idea that, this way, he will have more cookies to himself. After all, he is a nice child now that he doesn't ask me all those questions anymore. I watch him finish eating and help him jump off his chair. We go upstairs and he leads me to my mother and Marcus' room. Only now do I realize that he must have slept with them tonight. At the end of the day, with Raven and I here, there are no more free rooms.

“I have to put these on.” he tells me, pointing to a small pile of clothes on the bed. I am paralyzed. I don't know what I have to do, or how. I watch Aden undress and try to get the shirt on his own, with the only result of sticking his head up his sleeve. I come to his rescue and, somehow, I manage to help him get dressed. I check the time. There are ten minutes left and then Lexa will come to pick him up.

“Teeth.”. Without saying a word, I walk him to the bathroom and get him on a stool, so that he can get to the sink. Fortunately, he knows how to brush his teeth himself. I wash his mouth from the toothpaste and dry it. I haven't had such a tiring morning since my last world tour.

“Well, your mom will be here any minute. How about we wait for her downstairs?" I propose. He nods and, together, we go downstairs. Once in the living room, we sit on the couch, waiting. Aden is staring at his shoes, while I find myself humming without even realizing it.

“You have a beautiful voice.” he states.

“Thank you.” I reply, with a smile.

“You should become a singer.”. I hold back a laugh. I forgot how good it was not to be considered just for your artistic career.

“I'll consider it.” I promise him. He nods satisfied and goes back to looking at his shoes. After a while, he looks up and peers at me, with questioning eyes. I glance at him, confused.

“Mom doesn't like you, does she?”. And now how can I explain this to him?

“Well, I don't know...” I start, when the bell rings. Lexa is here and I don't know whether to be grateful for ending this embarrassing moment or fear for my life. I rush to open and immediately two green eyes glared at me, annoyed.

“Abby told me she would have left Aden with an adult.” she starts. I don't reply and invite her to come in. I close the door behind me and lean against the wall.

“Well, thank you for getting him ready. See you.”. I watch her open the door and only now do I realize that I will never be able to get to the studio, since Raven left by car. Not that it would have made any difference if she didn’t, since they suspended my driver’s license. I sigh. I can't believe what I'm about to do.

“Lexa, wait!” I call her. She turns around, confused. I wish I could disappear.

“I... Could you give me a ride? Raven left me stranded.”. Lexa stands still, shocked by my request. I bow my head, cursing myself for the stupid idea I’ve had.

“Lexa, forget it. I really don't know what I had on my min-...”

“Go get dressed, I'll wait for you here.”. I raise my head and squint, not really sure I understood correctly.

“Hurry up, before I change my mind.” she urges me and I don't have it repeated twice. I run to my room and change in a hurry, and then go downstairs again. I lock the house and follow Lexa to the car.

“Sit in the passenger seat. We'll drive Aden to kindergarten first and then I'll drive you to the studio.”. I nod and get in the car without a word. We spend our journey to Aden’s school in utter silence and in a mood of tension and embarrassment. I watch Lexa walking her son to the teacher and a strong sense of nostalgia assaults me, along with the certainty that the relationship between the two of us will never be the same as before. And it's all my fault. When she goes back in the car and starts driving again, I have to force myself to not talk. Unexpectedly, she is the one who does it.

“Clarke, about last night, I want you to know that I'm sorry. You know how Anya is, don't you?"

“You don't have to apologize for anything, Lexa.” I reply. “I’m sorry I was with Aden this morning, but we were left alone and...”

'Clarke, it’s obvious that in this case the whole not talk to him etc thing doesn’t matter.” she reassures me. I hear her sigh and I know for sure that she would like to say something more, yet she doesn't. Shortly after, she pulls away.

“Well, here we are.” she announces.

“Thank you for the ride.” I say, as I open the car door. I'm about to get out of the car, when I hear her calling my name. I turn around. Her green eyes are full of questions and I can't stand her gaze.

“Clarke, please. I heard you talk to Jasper last night. I need to know.”. She is begging me and I feel like a louse. The truth sets you free, this is what they say. No Lexa, not in this case. I can't tell you what forced me to completely cut ties with you four years ago.

“I'm sorry.” I mutter.

“No, I need to know why.” she insists. I bite my lip. I don't know how I manage to find the courage to look her straight in the face.

“You're going to be late for work.”

“Don't shift the topic. Tell me at least because Jasper knows it and I don't.”. I shake my head, as the first tears begin to wet my cheeks. I wipe them with the back of my hand, praying that this torture will end soon.

“Please.”

“Lexa, not here and not now. It is neither the right time nor the right place.”

“And when will they be? Clarke, we both know that you are simply taking time to avoid to bring up the topic. You are going to stay here for a month, around Aden. I have the right to know.”. There is no more anger in his voice, just a painful confusion. I stick my hands in my pockets and take a deep breath. No, I won't tell her the truth. I can't.

“Jasper would have been devastated.” I say. Lexa bursts out laughing, then punches the wheel.

“You're incredible and I mean it. Do you think it was easy for me? Not to mention Bellamy and Octavia or Monty. Clarke, six years ago you fled this city, but at least we had a semblance of address to write to. Yes, you replied infrequently and practically only to me, yet we still felt you were part of our lives. But what you did four years ago devastated us all. It devastated me.” I swallow. I don't even know how to reply.

“I have to go.” I just say. I get out of the car and start walking quickly to the studio, ignoring Lexa calling me back loudly. I can't turn around, I would give in. I'm so lost in my thoughts and emotions that I don't even notice Raven and crash into her.

“Clarke, what the hell...”

“Thank you for the amazing morning, Rae.” I shut her up, in a bad way. “Tell me, where did you go? And how the hell did you think I could get here without a car?”. I really don't want to treat her so badly, I'm just furious and crushed by the dialogue with Lexa. Raven rubs her neck, guiltily. I shake my head.

“It doesn't matter, I don't care. Come on, we have a lot of work to do today.” I cut short. And, as I head inside the studio, I can't help but think of Lexa and those big green eyes of hers, so full of questions and grief.

----- CHAPTER BREAK -----

8.

There wasn't a day I didn't think of you

I had to get out before it swallowed me

I'm begging you please I want my friend back

I hardly recognize who I'm looking at

(Osatia-Find Peace)

Sunday lunches. God, I've always hated them. Okay, it's a lie. Actually, there was a time when I couldn't wait for Sunday to come. When we didn't go hiking, my father and mother used to cook together while I spent time with Bellamy and Jasper playing, ignoring Lexa, Octavia and Anya constantly begging us to stop. Our door was always open to everyone, especially Anya, Lexa and Jasper. All three had a rather turbulent childhood and we hosted them several times, since we were all too young to actually understand what was going on. And maybe it was better that way. I smile, getting lost in my memories. It was my father who pushed Jasper to learn to play the drums. It could be a good safety valve, he kept telling him. I sigh. Since my dad died, everything has changed and Sundays have lost any meaning. Maybe this is why I ran away. I simply needed meaning.
“Clarke.”. I fidget with my phone, lost in thoughts that I can't even focus on.

“Clarke!”. I wonder if my father would be proud of me. I don't think so. Right now, I suspect no one would be.

“Clarke, for fuck’s sake!”. I turn to Raven. I didn't realize she was calling me.

“Yes?”

“Clarke, would you pass the salt to Marcus?” my mother asks me. I have no idea how long they have been trying to get my attention. I rub my temples and nod. I hand the salt to my mother's partner, staring at him in the eyes. Marcus Kane was my father's best friend. I never imagined that something could bloom between him and my mother and I don't know if I was able to accept their relationship. All I know is that he never claimed to take my father's place and I am grateful to him for that. He always treated me like a daughter, not wanting me to consider him a parent in return. He loves me and I certainly can't deny it. At the end of the day, he has always been there for me. And, although I will never admit it, he knows very well that I feel a deep affection for him.

“So Clarke, how is your work on the new album going?” he asks me, curious. I bite my lip, then take a forkful of potatoes from the plate and put it in my mouth. I chew slowly, my gaze staring at the void. I don't even know how to answer.

“Clarke?” Lexa calls me back, snapping two fingers before my eyes and waking me up from that trance state. Next to her, Aden is playing with the toy of an unidentified superhero. I wonder what they're doing here today too, but I don't express my thoughts out loud.

“It goes on.” I finally say, laconic. Raven shakes her head, forcing herself not to reveal her real feelings towards what is supposed to be my new record, which, on the other hand, is turning out to be more and more someone else's superficial work. A deep sense of inadequacy rises into me and I don't know how to stop it. I feel crushed, trapped in a world that doesn't belong to me. And Polis isn’t the problem. Not even returning to Los Angeles could soothe this feeling, this restlessness. I stand up abruptly, without looking anyone in the face.

“Sorry, I... I think I'm going to go for a walk.” I mumble. I quickly head to the door, before someone can stop me. Once on the street, I start running, faster and faster. I don't want to stop, I can't. I keep running aimlessly, until my lungs beg for mercy. I am forced to stop, against all my will. I look around in disbelief, as I sit on the ground. Without realizing it, I arrived near Pound Creek. I haven't been here in a long time, it's funny that my legs pushed me this far. It is a small lake area, surrounded by trees and peaceful. I approach the water and sit on the grass. I close my eyes and take a deep breath, focusing on the chirping of the birds and the breeze that caresses my face. I almost managed to finally isolate myself from all the anguish that surrounds me, when the sound of a twig breaking causes me to jump. I turn around. Lexa is in front of me, standing upright. Her gaze is midway between the worried and the grieving.

“How did you find me?” I ask more bitterly than I would like.

“It's simple, whenever something was wrong you would hid here.” she replies, approaching me. “Can I?” she asks me, fearing my rejection. I nod and watch her as she settles down next to me. She takes a pebble from the ground and throws it, letting out a smile at the dull noise produced by the rock meeting the water.
“Aden asked me why you left. I don't know why, but he keeps calling you the one who is going to be sloucher.” I abandon myself to a shy laugh. I can't believe it.
“I love my new nickname.” I reply and Lexa chuckles amused too. Suddenly, however, she comes back to serious. She peers at me, her eyes chained to mine, as if she is afraid that I might run away again. And no, I'm not talking about what happened at lunch.

“Clarke.” she calls me and I can't help but swallow, frightened by the words that are about to come out of her mouth. I focus on her eyes. I didn't remember them to be so green.

“Clarke.” she calls me again. I shake my head, coming back to reality.

“Lexa, I...” I stutter, without actually having the slightest idea of what to say. I watch her reach out, then gently lay her hand on my right knee.

“Clarke, I don't want to know why you disappeared. I understand that something shocking and painful must have happened and I guess talking to me about it is the last thing you want. I know I reacted very badly when I saw you again a few days ago, but trust me if I tell you that my heart cries to know you are like this." I frown, pretending not to understand.

“Like what?” I play dumb. Lexa rolls her eyes and shakes her head.

“Clarke, I've never seen you so sad and we've known each other since we were three years old. What happened to you? Bellamy told me you don't even write songs anymore.”

“Well, Bellamy can mind his own business. Besides, he couldn't talk about the album, Raven made him sign a contract according to silence is imposed on him.” Lexa is watching me, maybe to see if she's really talking to me. She lets out a nervous laugh.

“And what do you want to do? Report him? Fine him? Clarke, we don't care about the album, we're just worried about you. You disappear for years and come back here, forced by your label, after risking dying on a stolen car, probably stoned by who knows what. And don't make that face, newscasts exist here in Polis too. Your mother couldn't stop crying when she saw the news.”. I bow my head and start playing with the grass. I raise it and turn to the horizon. The sun mirrors itself in the water, melting sky and earth together.

“Clarke, please.” Lexa calls me again. I feel trapped. I decide to play the silent card, hoping that Lexa leaves me alone. Unfortunately, it's not in her plans.

“Clarke, what's going on?”. Stop asking me that, damn it. I turn to her, abruptly.

“Where is Costia?” I ask, literally out of nowhere.

“Excuse me?”

“I'll try to answer your questions if you answer mine. Where is Costia and why aren't you in Boston?”. Lexa widens her eyes and looks at me, shocked. “It's not that easy to open up, is it?” I provoke her, a grin painted on my face. Contrary to my predictions, however, Lexa doesn’t break down in the slightest, nor does she get angry. Her green eyes keep staring at me, full of disappointment. I understand her, I would look at myself in the same way. In fact, that's exactly the way I consider myself every day. She lets out a sigh and stands up. I don't understand her intentions and, at first, I'm convinced that she wants to leave, but then I see her bending over and taking a pebble. She throws it into the water and makes it bounce. One, two, three, four, five bounces. Impressive.

“Costia is dead.” she finally confesses, in a whisper. I stiffen, shocked by those words. I raise my gaze, until I cross my eyes with hers. She gives me a nervous smile, as she puts her hands in her pockets and swings on her legs back and forth.

“Lexa, I didn't imagine that...”. She gestures me to be quiet.

“It doesn't matter. You couldn't have known. It happened eight months ago. We had relatively recently adopted Aden when she found out she suffered from cancer. I've known Abby for a lifetime and I asked her if she could cure her, so we moved here. Anya’s house isn’t big enough, so your mother suggested that we could have settled at hers, but when Costia died I decided to look for a place for me and Aden. There was nothing left that tied me to Boston, it wouldn't have made sense to subject my son to a further move. As you know, I used to work with Costia as her secretary, so I had no choice but to start looking for something new. I found a job at the McReary’s club, the one close to the interstate, even though they charge me with night shifts. This is why Aden often sleeps over at Abby's, Anya runs a gym with Lincoln and her morning schedule isn’t exactly child-friendly. Moreover, your mother's has become a second home again. Sometimes I feel like I'm back to when we were little, only you are gone. And I'm sorry, really.”. I am motionless, completely shocked by Lexa's story. How many things did I miss during all this time? Why didn't she write to me to tell me what had happened? No, even if she wanted to, it wouldn't have made sense. I suddenly feel so small and mean.

“I'm sorry.” I mutter.

“It doesn't matter.” she replies, shrugging. “You couldn't have done anything.”. I stand up and stand in front of her. I shyly open up my arms and, hesitantly, hold her to me. I missed doing it, only the sky knows how much.

“I'm sorry.” I repeat. “I wish I could have been there.” I confess. She doesn't reply, she just rests her head on my shoulders and lets herself be lulled, while I sing to her an improvised melody.

“You won't tell me what happened four years ago, will you? And you won’t tell me why you're so sad either, I bet.” she then says, all of a sudden. I shake my head in no. I'm not ready yet, I'm sorry Lexa.

“I wish I was as strong as you.” I claim. “But I can't.”. She pulls away from my hug and looks me in the eyes. She caresses my forehead and put a strand of hair behind my ear. She smiles at me, with affection. I wonder how this is possible, after all I've done to her.

“I didn't tell Bellamy everything.” She looks at me, confused.

“What do you mean?” she asks. I bite my lip and look up at the sky. There is no cloud and the weather is wonderful.
“I... It's not true that I stopped writing because I no longer have the inspiration. The label thinks mine aren’t songs that can be successful. Lightbourne argues that they are too sad and not very carefree. People listen to music not to think, Griffin, he keeps repeating to me. And so I stopped proposing them and let people listen to them. I convinced myself that it was better to stop writing and, little by little, I realized that I was no longer able to do that.”. Lexa caresses my cheek, a gesture she often made when we were kids and I was sad. Ironically, she had a much more difficult life than mine, yet between the two the one who was most often comforted was me.
“If you ever want me to listen to something, I'm here.” she whispers. I nod, my eyes filled with tears. She understood, as always. She knows it's not just about music, it's about my voice. She knows that I unlearn to use it to talk about myself and deal with the reality that surrounds me. I can't hold it any longer and hug her, wondering how I managed to stay away from her all these years. I abandon myself to her grasp and let myself be cradled, while an unreal stillness surrounds us and asks us to allow it to give us some serenity. And, for the first time in a week, I'm starting to think that maybe this month will be less terrible than I thought.

----- CHAPTER BREAK -----

9.

I can't break this bad habit

Cause this habit is breaking me

(The Secret Sisters-Bad Habit)

“No Clarke, please. Of all, this is the worst.”

“Bell, it would be perfect as a single.” I retort, annoyed. Now that we finished listening to all the tracks that Lightbourne gave me, we have to deal with the hardest part. I have to choose twelve songs and I don't really know how to decide. If it were up to me, none of these tracks would be part of an album of mine. Not even one of them exactly represents my feelings and my view of life. Not even one of them tells about me. After all, though, that's okay. Talking about yourself is so tiring and painful. I shake my head. I miss being able to be honest. Not with other people or fans, no. I miss being able to be honest with myself.

“Maybe if we change the instrumental part and add some electric guitar, it becomes decent.” Jasper suggests, bringing me back to reality.

“Jas, this won't become a good song even if Joni Mitchell rewrites it herself.” Bellamy replies. I snort.

“Guys, I know that you don't like it and that you don't usually work on tracks like that, but this song has the potential to become a hit and that's what I have to aim for.” I say. I'm starting to be tired about this situation. At the end of the day, we are talking about my record, Bellamy has no right to interfere like this. Behind us, Monty and Raven are having a good time, have fun with our discussion. I'm glad my friend is getting comfortable, I was afraid she would have felt uncomfortable. On the contrary, I suspect that she is seeing someone.

“I agree with Clarke, at the end of the day it has a nice rhythm and a chorus that works.”

“Jasper, this song is about nothing!” Bellamy blurts out, throwing in the air the lyrics sheets. I let out a laugh. I have to admit it, I missed working with Bell and Jasper.

“You're always the same. Even when we played together and you didn't like a song you used to throw everything in the air.” I  say. Bellamy smiles at me and nods, but then gets serious a few seconds later.

“Yeah, but I used to throw in the air your songs.” he realizes, bitterly. I'm starting to get tired of this whole thing. I stand up from my chair and, without saying a word, I head to the door, furious.

“Clarke, wait! I didn't mean to..." Bellamy tries to stop me, in vain. I get out of the studio and breathe fresh air with full lungs. I would like to punch something right now.

“Clarke.” Raven calls me. I turn around, quite unwillingly. Behind her, Jasper smiles at me and nods at me. I sigh, putting a strand of hair behind my ear.

“I need to take a break. Shall we go to lunch?" I propose.

“Monty bought some sandwiches.”

“I don't feel like eating sandwiches, Rae. Come on, let's walk around, you and me. It would be good for us to disconnect completely for a few hours.” I insist. Raven bites the inside of her cheek, undecided about what to do. She questioningly looks at Jasper, who gestures us to go.

“I'll take care of Bellamy.” he reassures us.

“Thank you Jas. See you later.”. I greet him and beckon Raven to follow me. We get in the car and head to the town center. We park and I walk her to a small diner overlooking the main road. It’s like I remember it. I open the door and let the memories resurface, one by one. Right now I'm fifteen years old and I'm here to have a hot chocolate together with Lexa and Octavia. School has been over for half an hour and the cold is bitter, but the warmth of this place is so cozy. We sit at the table and wait for Gustus, the owner of the diner, to bring us the chocolates. We are happy and so carefree. I shake my head. There has been water under the bridges since those days. Everything has changed. We have changed. And, sometimes, I wonder if my past was nothing more than a daydream that, at some point, turned into a horrible nightmare.

“Well well, look who's back to the fold. Griffin, it’s been too long.” I am greeted by a big tall man with long hair and a thick dark beard. Next to him, an athletic woman, with black skin and short hair peers at me from top to bottom, her eyes full of judgment. Gustus McFarrel and his wife Indra, respectively the owner of the diner we are in and the coach of the city high school women's basketball team. Lexa and I consumed pairs and pairs of shoes in that gym because of her.

“Griffin, you're back.” she starts. I swallow. Indra has always had this incredible ability to intimidate me and reduce me as meek as a baby. She is not a bad person, quite the contrary instead. In some ways, I consider her a family member. After my father's death she took me under her wing and, if it wasn't for music and basketball, I would have ended badly. As I would feel better now.

“Indra, I...” I try to say, but she gestures me to shut up. She passes by me and glared at me, her eyes full of disappointment. I bow my head, unable to support her gaze.

“I don’t remember you being like this.” she just says, and then heads to the door. I watch her leaving, in shock.

“And who the heck was that woman?” Raven asks, almost as shocked as I am.
“My high school coach.” I mutter. Behind me, Gustus clears his voice and asks us if we want to sit down somewhere. We nod and sit at a table far enough away from the entrance. We read the menus, hungry. I know, I would have a diet to follow, but right now I just don't care. You have to be in shape Griffin , that's Lightbourne's mantra. Yes, performing on a tour is not a walk in the park, but the reality is that no one has ever explained to me what it means to be in shape. In short, they force me to be as thin as possible, but at the same time no one has ever stopped me from ruining myself with alcohol and drugs. The truth is, no one has ever cared about me in recent years, apart from Raven and Murphy. And, of course...
“Clarke.” a voice calls me, bringing me back to reality. I turn around. Octavia quickly heads to me and Raven, followed by Lexa and her cousin. At the sight of Anya I stiffen, mindful of a few days ago night.

“Don't worry Griffin, if I wanted to hurt you, you'd already be at the hospital.”

“Anya!” Lexa scolds her. Raven shakes my hand, to calm my now increasingly evident state of panic.

“Can we sit with you?” Octavia asks. I nod, aware that I have no alternative. The three of them just settle down next to us. Lexa takes the menu from my hands and scrolls through it with her finger, something she used to do when she already knew what to choose, but didn't want to make it clear. I am amazed at how certain things have not changed at all.

“Well girls, do you know what to order?” Gustus asks us, a notebook and a pen in his hands.

“The sandwich of the house for Anya and me.” Octavia responds.

“A salad without cheese for me, thank you” Raven says. Gustus notes the orders and then, raising his head, stares at both me and Lexa. The latter opens her mouth to say something, and then closes it immediately afterwards. I smile, amused by this scene that, in the past, I have witnessed countless times.

“Lexa, don't tell me you want to get spaghetti with meatballs again.”

“But they're good, Gustus.” she protests. The man sighs and gives in.

“One day I'll convince you to get something else.” he says, smiling. “For you, Griffin?” I jolt. I was so caught up in understanding what Lexa would choose, that I didn't decide at all what to order.

“I... Huh, well...” I stutter. “Spaghetti with meatballs for me too.”.

“Perfect.” Gustus says, then heads to the kitchen and leaves us alone. Octavia immediately starts to strike up conversation and ask me a lot of questions about my life, about Los Angeles and my job, to which I answer in a very evasive way. Anya, on the other hand, keeps glaring at me, even though she occasionally exchanges a few words with Raven. Curious, since the latter literally beat her like a drum when we were at Bellamy's. Anya has always been like this, very protective of her cousin and ready to fight anyone she thought was a threat to her. Both didn’t go through an easy childhood. Lexa lost her parents when she wasn't even three years old and Anya's family took her with them. The two grew up together, as sisters. I remember Anya's mother as a friendly and good person, but her father... Titus has never been a good person. I have no idea when he started beating Lexa, the fact is that as soon as my mother and father found out, they did everything they could to take her away from the clutches of that bastard. She and Anya changed several foster families, until the court decided to permanently entrust them to my parents, until Anya was no longer a minor.

“Clarke, isn't the song they're playing on the radio yours?” Octavia suddenly asks me, awakening me from my thoughts.
“Yes, it's from my second album, City of Light .” I reply, listless. I take my phone out of the pocket of my jeans and start scrolling through social media. Finn's photos in France are everywhere and I couldn't be more nervous. I should be there with him, not in this God-forgotten town. Moreover, I haven’t heard anything from him for a week, I don't even know how he's doing. Although, judging by the girls who gather around him, I don't think he's having a bad time.
“Clarke, are you all right?” Lexa asks me, noticing my mood not exactly being skyrocketing.

“Yes, I... I have to go to the bathroom.” I say, standing up and running to the toilet. I lock myself in and I rivet to the floor, in tears. I've never felt more alone than this. Maybe I should just stop and grin and beat it. After all, in less than a month I will go back home and I will be able to start living my everyday life again, finally. I lean my head against the wall. Yeah, I really can't wait to go back to that hole I call my life. I just wish I could forget every mistake I made in the last six years, it would all be easier.

“Clarke.”. I jerk. Lexa is repeatedly knocking on the bathroom door, her voice full of concern.

“Clarke, are you okay? If it's because of Anya, I'm sorry. I should have imagined that...”

“I'm fine, I'm just peeing.” I interrupt her, hoping she buys it.

“Clarke, I know very well that's not true. What's going on?”. Indeed. I sigh and stand up. I open the door and the collision with Lexa's two green eyes takes my breath away. They are peering at me, with an affection now unknown to me. I wonder how she can look at me like this, after all I've done to her.

“Clarke? What's going on?" she asks me again.

“Why didn’t Raven follow me?”. God, I would slap myself. Lexa clenches her fists, trying not to lose her composure.

“If you want I can call her, I thought...”

“No!” I stop her. She slowly turns to me, confused by that sudden change of attitude of mine. I'm holding my breath. I can't give a voice to my thoughts. All I know is that right now I need her to stay here, in this bathroom, with me.

“I'm just very stressed.” I confess, finally. “Everyone expects something from me, they expect me to behave in a certain way or to make music as they want, I was forced to come back here and Finn doesn't reply me anymore.” I explain, blurting out.

“Finn?”

“Finn Collins, the singer.” Lexa shrugs, a sign that she has no idea who I'm talking about. “Well, he's my boyfriend. I should be with him in France right now and instead I'm stuck here, in this...”. I can't finish my outburst. Lexa puts two hands on my shoulders and invites me to take a deep breath. I don't understand.

“You don't always have to run away.” she tells me. I would like to burst out laughing and then cry and, instead, I do nothing. I am dazed, almost hurt by those words. I know that if I replied I wouldn't be convincing, at all.
“What if we go back out there?”. I nod, without really understanding what's going on. You don't always have to run away, these words rumble in my head, heavy. I let out a sigh. Easier said.

----- CHAPTER BREAK -----

10.

We've all been sorry, we've all been hurt

But how we survive, is what makes us who we are

(Rise Against-Survive)

“Remember me why I agreed to follow you.” I bitterly say as I walk with Raven into the pub where she decided to take me.

“Come on, don't act like this, your friends invited us and it would have been rude to refuse.”. I roll my eyes and don't reply. I suspect my friend has some ulterior motive, I just need to find out what she is thinking about.

“Griffin.” Anya coldly greets me. I raise my hands as a sign of peace and sneak away, heading to the counter. The Azgeda is one of the few pubs in Polis and it has witnessed the others and I growing up over the years. This is where Bellamy, Jasper and I started performing live. It feels like a lifetime.

“Hey, look who’s here.”. Roan Frost, the pub’s owner. Long hair, an intimidating look and a heart of gold, I wouldn't know how else I can define him. Unlike his mother, she was a witch.

“The last time I saw you, you weren't even old enough to drink.”

“And now I am. Some whisky, please.” I respond.

“And whisky it is.” he replies, filling a glass and handing it to me. I drink everything in one breath , almost giving him a heart attack.

“Hey, easy on that.” he warns me.

“Don't worry, It takes way more to get me drunk.” I reassure him, even though I think I just made him worry more. “I mean, I just want to say that I can handle alcohol very well, that's all.” I try to ease the tension. He looks at me, not too convinced.

“So, what brings you here to Polis? I saw what you did in Beverly Hills. God, you quite messed up that poor car.”.

“It was just a bad night, that's all.” I claim. “I'm going to stay here for a month to record the new album and get some rest.”. Roan nods and smiles at me. He is about to say something more, when two hands cover my eyes and pull me backwards. I touch them, trying to guess who they belong to.

“Jasper, it's not funny.” I protest. “How are you?” I ask him then. He shrugs.

“Now that you're here, I feel better.” he answers.

“You’re such a panderer.” I reply, then turn around and say hi to Bellamy and Echo.

“Clarke, you’re finally here. Where is Raven?” my friend asks me and I don't know how to answer him. Yeah, where is she?

“I... She was here until a second ago.”

“Maybe she found someone, don't worry.” Echo reassures us and I don't know why,  but I have a feeling that she is aware of something that, on the other hand, I completely ignore. I decide to let it go and order another glass of whiskey that, promptly, Roan serves me. We notice Octavia and Lincoln wandering around the pub and raise our hands so they can see us. In no time they join us and, at this point, we are almost all here. That's right, almost. Monty and Harper aren’t here.

“They can't come.” Bellamy says, fidgeting with the glass of bourbon he has just ordered.

“Why?” I ask. Bellamy looks around, but doesn't answer me.

“Well, Harper is...” Lincoln starts, but Echo immediately glared at him. I can't understand.

“They're fine, aren't they?” I worry. Bellamy drinks some of his bourbon and licks his lips.

“Things have changed since you left, Clarke.” he states, in a bitter tone. I scratch my forehead more and more confused, but I give up and don't ask any more questions. I order another glass of whisky, but Jasper approaches me and steals it from my hands.

“Hey!” I protest.

“Sorry Clarke, orders from above.”. I frown. Today I can't understand anything my friends say, I don't understand if it's a problem of mine or something else.

“Orders from Raven.” Jasper explains himself and I snort. I know that limiting alcohol can be nothing but good for me, but the point is that Raven has no right to meddle so deeply in my private life. I sigh. No, I'm wrong, she has the right to do it. We aren’t just friends, I am part of her job. If something were to happen to me, she would be the first to be held accountable for it.

“Cheer up, Griffin.” Roan tries to comfort me, he doesn't even know what for. I smile at him, as I watch him momentarily leave the counter and head towards the small stage on the other side of the room. Memories invade my mind. That stage was, once, my second home. Distant and now hidden in the most secret meanders of my mind memories overlook, allowing me to relive for a few brief moments my first performance in this pub. The event was provided by Monty, at the time self-proclaimed manager and producer of our band. He had to made up the name of the band on the spot because we didn't have one. He had opted for Grounders, taking a cue from a newspaper article he had read five minutes before entering the Azgeda. Definitely bygone days.

“Ladies and gentlemen, as you know today is Wednesday and, like every week, anyone who wants to get on this stage and play something can do it.” Roan announces, distracting me from my thoughts. “So, let’s do it!”. I curiously watch some kids go on stage, pick up the instruments and start playing a pretty stunted cover of American Idiot by Green Day.

“Come on, they’re not bad.” Bellamy says, understanding my thoughts.

“Well, far be it from me to judge.” I retort. He turns to me, a twisted smile on his lips.

“The girl who is singing is Gaia, Indra's daughter. She is a good girl, pretty smart. She reminds me of you, somehow. She has the same grit, the same ambition. I just hope that...”. I stop him, before he can say anything else.

“That she doesn’t wreck her career as I did, you were going to say that, weren’t you?”

“Clarke, I don't...” he tries.

“No Bellamy, you don't understand! You have your own independent label and you can't even remotely imagine what it's like to work for a major! There is no such thing as what I want or what I think is best for me, but only what brings a real advantage to the record company. I have to think about this, not to have fun or do what I want." I reply, rather nervous. Once he starts, Bellamy can be really dull. I violently slam the first empty glass that happens in my hands on the counter and rush at the exit in a hurry. I definitely need some fresh air.

“Clarke, wait...” Bellamy calls me, in vain. Once outside, I try to get as much oxygen into my lungs and kick a pile of leaves piled up on the side of the road. I look around, in desperate search of Raven. No trace of her, who knows where the heck she is. I snort and am about to go back inside, when I hear someone calling me by name. I turn around. Lexa is in front of me and is staring at me with a worried look, as if she knows that something is wrong, but is afraid to ask about it.

“Woods.” I just say, hoping that she goes away as soon as possible and leaves me alone. I forgot that it's not in her nature.

“Clarke, are you okay?”. In this question there is so much need to really know what my conditions are. What can I answer? How can I lie this time?

“I argued with Bellamy.” I answer, surprising myself.

“Because of the album, I guess.”

“Yeah, guessed it.” I confirm. “God, he just can't understand. Sometimes there is no such thing as what you wish to do or become, but only what is convenient to accept. It's sad, but this is life.”

“I know.”. I look at her, shocked. Does she agree with me?

“Sometimes I wish life was more than just surviving.” I confess in a whisper. I see her turning to me and smiling at me. I feel understood, a feeling that I haven't felt in a really long time.

“Our ways can seem harsh and senseless in the eyes of others, Clarke. Yet, surviving is, at times, the only way we have to hope that, in a future perhaps not too far away, things can get better.” she declares, placing a hand on my shoulder. I shiver, I don't know if because of her words, because of the breeze that is rising or because of that unexpected touch.

“Are you coming in?” She proposes and I nod in silence, following her. I don't ask her why she keeps fixing the collar of her coat or why she's not at work right now. I enter with her, simply, in perfect silence. On stage now there are Jasper and a seventeen years old boy who is trying to follow the rhythm with a guitar that is anything but tuned. Lexa heads to the others and I stay there, listening to that unlikely duo that is having a lot of fun while improvising a song they created there, on the spot. I don't even notice that Bellamy is approaching me again. I snort and I'm about to leave, but he stops me grabbing my arm.

“Bellamy, I've already told you everything that...”

“No Clarke, I'm sorry.”. I roll my eyes. “You're right, I didn't put myself in your shoes. For days I've only told you how much you've changed for worse, how much I don't like the music you make now and how much I would like you to be as you were before. I was a real idiot, forgive me.”

“Yes, you were.” I say, without looking him in the eyes. “Bell, I will never be as I was before. It's been a long time, I'm not the same girl I used to be six years ago, not anymore. A lot has happened and I swear I wish I could talk about it. I wish I could explain to you why I left six years ago. I wish I could tell you why four years ago I cut off all kinds of contact.”. I turn to him and look at him with all the tenderness he deserves. “I would like to, but I can't.” He grimaces and shakes his head. He doesn't understand. This has always been Bellamy's limit, the inability of a bigger vision. He isn’t selfish, just a little limited in some aspects.

“Whatever is tormenting you, I hope one day you can come to terms with it, Clarke,” he tells me, finally. I hug him, trying to push back the tears.

“I love you, Bell. Really.”

“Me too.” he replies. He pulls away a bit and turns to Jasper and the boy. they are having a great time.

“Would you like to...”

“I'd love to Bell, but I can't. Famous singer giving a show in a pub in a small town, are you sure? Trust me, you don't really want a crazy herd of journalists to assault Polis.” I explain. He nods.

“After closing.”. I look at him in disbelief. “Come on Clarke, let's play together for one last time.” he insists and I can't help but give in. I sit at the table with the others and we spend time laughing and joking, even talking about the old days. I take this opportunity to get to know Echo better and I discover a kind and rather altruistic girl, despite her being private. From what I understand, she and Bellamy met thanks to Roan, but I can't find out much more, except that she also had a rather turbulent childhood and that she teaches math in high school. All in all, she likes me.

“Hey, look who’s here!” Octavia exclaims. I turn around and see Anya walking towards us.

“Where the hell were you?” Lexa asks her. “When I got here I couldn't find you anywhere.”

“I got an important phone call from an old college friend, don't worry.” Anya answers, although I'm not at all convinced that this is the truth.

“Sorry, has anyone seen Raven?” I ask suddenly. I'm starting to get a little worried, she’s been gone all night. Anya is in a strange mood, quite indecipherable. She is going to say something when I finally see my friend coming out of the bathroom.

“Rae, I thought you felt sick! Never do that again!” I scold her.

“Work phone call, excuse me Griffin.” she rushes to tell me. There's something that doesn't convince me at all, but I don't have the strength to start investigating how Raven actually spent the evening.

“Well, I’m closing!” Roan announces. “Also because you are the only ones left.” he then claims, peering at us one by one.

“Wait a second, someone here made a promise.” Bellamy states, turning to me.

“Bell...” I try to change his mind, but he's adamant. “Oh, fine.” I give up, following him and Jasper on stage. I embrace a guitar and wait for Bellamy to tell me what his intentions are. He and Jasper glance at each other with a gaze full of complicity and, without warning, the first notes of Survive by Rise Against begin to fill the room. I wish I could stop them, but I know I can't. I smile. I love this song, we spent afternoons playing it.

Somewhere between happy and total fucking wreck

Feet sometimes on solid ground, sometimes at the edge

To spend your waking moments, simply counting time

Is to give up on your hopes and dreams, give up on your?
I feel a lump in my throat tightening, overbearing. That's exactly how I spent the last four years of my life. I threw away any dream, desire, aspiration. Yes, I'm famous, but it matters little when you're nothing more than a puppet in the hands of others. I'm a successful singer just because it's convenient for Lightbourne. Once he doesn’t need me anymore he will throw me away and I won't be able to do anything about it. There will be nothing left for me, because in these last years I did nothing but shut myself down more and more and let myself be carried away by the tide. I didn't nurture anything. And I won't gain anything.
Life for you, has been less than kind

So take a number, stand in line

We've all been sorry, we've all been hurt

How we survive, is what makes us who we are
I think back to what Lexa told me a few hours ago, just before going back to the pub. I watch her as I sing. Surviving is important, it's the only way we often can keep hoping for a better future. And yet, it is how we then face this future that is important. What do you want to become, Clarke? Who? Who am I? I don't know it, that's the truth. I have no idea. I take the microphone in my hand, with the intention of throwing it on the ground and leaving. I raise my gaze. Lexa's green eyes are peering at me and her just hinted smile invites me to keep singing. And I can't help but obey.
All smiles and sunshine, a perfect world on a perfect day

Everything always works out, I have never felt so great

But life isn't like this, life isn't like this
No, it's true. Life is so much more. For the first time in years I finally manage to realize it. I keep myself from bursting into tears. I am a blind woman who is given the gift of sight. I haven't lived for six years. I am surviving, but without the hope of a better future. Truth is, I don't even think there can be one for me. And, as my voice sings the last notes of the song, a doubt creeps into me, overwhelming. Maybe it's not too late to dream of having a future.

----- CHAPTER BREAK -----

11.

He said, "Pete, you think you've changed, but you have not"

[...]

And whispered in Pete's ear, "We cannot undue these things we've done."

(Bruce Springsteen-Outlaw Pete)

When we get home, my mother and Marcus have already come back from work. Aden is sitting on the couch in the living room watching old Tom & Jerry short movies on tv, something that was already dated when I was a child. As soon as he sees Raven and me he smiles at us and runs towards us, quite clumsily. He is definitely a funny child, but he is very clever too. Lexa was very evasive about his adoption, perhaps the topic reminds her too much of Costia.

“Why are you staring at us like this, little man?” Raven asks him, noticing the insistence with which he has stared at us for a few seconds now. He doesn't answer and shrugs, only to go back sitting on the couch. Raven and I glanced at each other with a confused look and I decide to go upstairs to have a shower. It wasn't a very productive day, unfortunately. The truth is, we're really struggling to choose the tracks for the album. There isn't one single song I would gladly sing, it's a torture. I sigh. I have no choice, I know it all too well. Still, this awareness doesn't make me more serene. Lexa is right, I just hit rock bottom. I punch the wall and turn off the water. I get out of the shower and put on my bathrobe. When I go back to my room, however, I almost have a heart attack. My mother is sitting on the bed gazing at me like one of those people who can't find the words to say something important.

“Is there any problem?” I ask, quite rudely.

“Yes, you and Raven should do me a favor.”. I look at her, suspiciously. “Listen, I completely forgot to tell you that Marcus and I are having an important dinner organized by my hospital tonight. I just can't refuse to go.” I widen my eyes, immediately understanding where this is going.

“Oh no, no way. No way.”

“Clarke, please. He has nowhere else to go and...”

“There's Octavia, there's Bellamy, and there are Monty and Harper, why does she always ask you?” I retort. My mother looks at me as she wants to slap me and she doesn't do it just because she is against violence.

“Dinner is in the oven. Today is Thursday, so he has to go to sleep early, otherwise he won't wake up in time for school tomorrow. We usually put him to bed at half past nine.”

“Mom, you can't ask me this.” I protest.

“Yes I can. Moreover, taking care of someone for a few hours will certainly not hurt you." she cut short, preventing me from replying. I follow her to the door, only realizing a moment later that I am wearing a bathrobe.

“Erm... Hi Marcus.” I greet him, embarrassed.

“Clarke.” he replies, shaking his head.

“Honey, have a good evening.” my mother tells me goodbye. “And behave, please.” she then tells Aden.

“Mom, please don't...”. I can't believe it, she really closed the door in my face. I indulge in a hysterical laughing, while I hear Raven come downstairs.

“Are you really okay with that?” I ask her, with the intention of finding an ally and forcing my mother to come back.

“Why not? He's a lovely child, after all. And it's only for a few hours. Moreover, what would you like to do? It's Thursday night and no one is around.”. This is a nightmare, a damn nightmare. I choke on a scream and run to my room to get changed and dry my hair. When I get back downstairs, Raven and Aden have already set the table and my friend is warming up dinner.

“Your mom cooked the chicken, it looks delicious.”

“Yeah.” I answer, nervously. I take the baking dish from the oven and put the food in the dishes, then sit down and start eating. After a minute, however, I notice that Aden is staring at me rather insistently.

“What do you want?” I ask, abruptly. He curls his lips, in obvious discomfort. He almost seems ashamed.

“I... Can you cut it for me, please?" he finally asks, handing me the dish. I freeze for few moments, caught off guard.

“Clarke, I'll do it if you want.” Raven suggests me.

“No, I'll take care of it.” I claim. I take the dish and cut the chicken into small bites, asking Aden with my gaze if that's okay. He nods and I give him back his dinner, satisfied with my work.

“What did you do today?”. No Rae, please, I don't have the strength to have a conversation with a five-year-old.

“I did a craft for my mom and I played with Jordan.” Aden says, enthusiastically.

“Jordan? And who is him?” Raven asks.

“He is my best friend, his parents are uncle Mont and auntie Harper.”. I jerk. I didn't know they had a child. And to think that I see Monty every day now.

“And tell me, do you ever go to them?” I ask suddenly. I'm behaving very badly, I'm aware of that. Truth is I need to prove that my mother decided to pawn off that child on me just out of spite. However, Aden shakes his head in no and my certainties begin to falter.

“Why not? It’s normal to go to your friends' house.” Raven observes.

“Mom says auntie Harper isn't feeling very well so we can't disturb her.”. I don't understand, it was at Bellamy’s and she looked fine. I mentally scold myself as soon as I realize that she may have inherited the same genetic disease that killed her mother. I shake my head. How many things I have missed these years. I end the rest of the dinner in silence, quite shaken by what I have just found out. After dinner, Raven and I clear up, while Aden keeps telling us his day. I didn't think the life of a five-year-old was so eventful.

“Well Aden, would you like to play Uno?” Raven proposes. I have to admit that she really knows how to deal with children.

“I don't know how to play alone.” he responds. “I usually play with Marcus.”

“Would you like to team up with me?”. I don't know where such an offer came from, the fact is that I see him nodding enthusiastically and sitting next to me. We spend some quality time, against all my expectations. I haven't played anything in ages.

“Well champ, it's time to go get ready for bed.” I say around twenty past nine, noticing Aden yawning all the time. I take him by the hand and take him upstairs. I help him brush his teeth and clean himself and then take him to his room. He passes me his pajamas and I smile. It's adorable, blue with penguins on it. I help him wear it and, finally, put him to bed.

“Can you tell me a story?”. I was afraid he would have asked.

“I can’t, I'm sorry.” I answer, but he glared at me.

“Mom says you wrote songs that told stories, so don't tell lies. You don't tell lies, mom always says it and...”

“Okay, I get it. It’s that... It was a long time ago and I don't now...”. I stop talking. Aden is staring at me with a pleading look and I feel trapped. What can I tell him? I've never done such a thing. I try to think of something, when an absurd idea takes me by surprise. But yes, it could work.
“So, what you're going to hear is not a story about a hero. In fact, on the contrary, the protagonist of our story is an outlaw named Pete.” I start. Aden mimics an Oh with his mouth. I have his attention.
“Pete is an exceptional outlaw, so much so that he is said to have robbed the first bank when he was just a child.”

“A child? Like me?” Aden asks, amazed.

“Yes, just like you. At twenty-five he is an experienced car thief and he steals a beautiful horse.”

“To make money out of it?” I smile at him.

“No, he never sold it. On the contrary, the two made many trips far and wide, all over the Country. At least until they stole him the horse. At that point, he had to stop and find some makeshift shelter.” Aden urges me to move on. “Well, one night Pete has a vision and decides to take a trip to the West. He lives a lot of adventures, only to find himself in Navajo lands. You know who the Navajo are, don't you?”. Aden nods and I decide to continue. “There he meets a gorgeous girl and decides to marry her. Together they have a daughter and Pete feels happy, finally.”

“Does it end like this?” Aden asks me. I shake my head in no.

“No Aden, it doesn’t. You know, Pete had changed thanks to the love of his wife and daughter. He had finally created something good. Still, sometimes people can't see the change in us. One day Pete meets Dan, an old acquaintance of his, who tells him exactly that, who reminds him that he is just an outlaw, nothing but an outlaw. And, at that point, he assaults him and Pete can't help but hurt him. And then he begins to think that it’s true, maybe he's nothing more than an outlaw. He runs away, until he gets to the top of a mountain and, since then, no one has seen him anymore.”. I finish the story and tuck him in. “Now sleep.”. I stand up and head to the door when I hear him call my name.

“I don't think Pete was just an outlaw. He loved his family and didn't want to hurt his friend.”. I sigh, impressed by his words.

“Yeah, maybe you're right. Maybe all Pete wanted was to be free.” I say. “Good night.”

“Good night.” Aden mumbles back, already half asleep. I find myself in the hallway, in front of a rather amused Raven.
“Outlaw Pete by Bruce Springsteen, huh?”
“A little revised and corrected, but yes.” I confirm. Raven chuckles amused and together we go to the living room. I sit on the couch, pensive. It's been a long time since I perceived music as a chance to tell a story. God, but what am I doing with my career? What am I doing with my life?

“Clarke? Is everything okay?” Raven asks me, concerned. I raise my head, until I my gaze meets hers.

“Rae, what do you think of my music?” I ask all of a sudden. I see her gasping, caught off guard.

“Well, it's successful and...”

“I haven’t ask you that.” I insist. Raven sighs and rubs her neck, looking for the right words to say. I have never asked her such a question.

“I think you're an amazing singer and author, and your first album is a masterpiece. It's so pure, honest, so sincere. There was something about that music that struck the heart and prompted us to reflect on life, on people’s choices, on the world that surrounds us. With all the respect, there's none of that in City Of Light. It's a good record, very commercial, but it's a pimp, made to sell. It's well written, too well written, in such an artificial way that I just can't listen to it. And, honestly, I'd be sorry to know you to record another album like that. But I know very well that it's not up to you, not entirely at least. As I am aware of what you have been through this last year. Just, I wish you would stop throwing yourself away.”. I don't have the strength to stand her gaze. I sink my head into my hands and burst into tears. I feel a weight in my chest that I can't get rid of.

"I wanted to... We had to do it together.”

“I know.” Raven whispers, now sitting next to me. She holds me and caresses my back gently, trying to calm me down. I keep sobbing, unable to stop the tears.

“I'm sorry.” I mutter.

“Hey, shh, it doesn't matter Clarke.”. I nod not very convinced and pull away from that hug. I wipe the tears from my face and force a smile, then stand up and go to my room to get changed. In front of me, there is a bookcase full of notebooks that hide songs that have been forgotten for too long. Maybe Aden is right. I could be more than what people expect me to be. I close my eyes, then reopen them after a while. I want to be free, even if only for a few minutes. I sit on the floor and take a pen and paper. I need an escape route, so I can learn to never run away again. And now I know exactly what I have to do.

----- CHAPTER BREAK -----

12.

These four years

And how we say goodbye to these four years

A long goodbye with mixed emotions

Just fragments of another life

(American Football-But The Regrets Are Killing Me)

“Good morning.” Raven greets me, welcoming me to the kitchen with a smile.

“Morning.” I reply yawning, while my mother hands me a cup of coffee. I sit between Marcus and Aden, who gives me a cookie.

“Thank you, but...”

“Oh yeah, no breakfast.” he remembers, a little sad.

“Come on Clarke, eating something won’t hurt you.” my mother scolds me.

“Mrs Griffin...”

“Call me Abby, Raven. Mrs Griffin is my mother-in-law.”. I roll my eyes.

“Well Abby, what I wanted to say is that you are fighting a losing battle. I've known Clarke for six years and I've never seen her touch food early in the morning.” Raven explains. I grimace and sip some coffee, praying that a miracle will help me shift the topic. I don't know exactly who I have to thank, whether God or luck, the fact is that the ringtone of my mobile phone saves me from that embarrassing discussion. I leave the table and go upstairs, while with my finger I unlock the screen.

“Murphy? Is everything alright?"

“Clarke, hi.” my manager says hello to me. “Sorry for calling this early, but I urgently need to talk to you.”. I sit on the wooden steps that lead to the bedrooms, leaning my back against the wall. I notice Raven who worriedly looks at me from the kitchen and I smile at her, making her understand that everything is fine.

“Murphy, tell me.” I urge him to speak.

“Well, here it is... Lightbourne phoned me tonight, Clarke. He was pretty annoyed and wondered when you were going to send him something.”. I can't believe my ears. I shake my head and punch the wall, quite hurting myself. I choke on a scream of pain feeling like an imbecile.

“Clarke, are you okay?” Murphy asks me, concerned.

“Yes, it was just... I must have inadvertently bumped into something.” I lie.

“If you say so. Erm... Look, I know it's a stressful situation and you've been in Polis for little more than a week, but all I'm asking you for is a song. Record a track and send it to me, so Lightbourne will be happy and...”

“Since when do we work like this? God, I thought she wanted to produce the album of the year, not the worst record of the century.” I blurt out, annoyed.

“Do you have better ideas?” Yes, using my own songs, for example. I should say that, I should point it out. But no, I shut up and suffer, as always. If I weren’t dying from the pain, I would throw another punch at the wall.

“You do as I said, okay? I'm just asking you for one song, everything will be fine. Now I have to go, I'll talk to you tonight.”. I can’t say goodbye to him that he turns off the call. I shake my head repeatedly, then I throw the phone against the couch next to the front door.

“Clarke!” Raven calls me back, worried. I ignore her, as the tears begin to wet my cheeks uncontrollably. My hand hurts as hell and I feel so tired.

“Clarke! What did you do to your hand?" My mother asks me. She tries to check if I've hurt myself seriously, but I flinch. I feel like a total failure, not bad for an internationally renowned singer, winner of many awards including two Grammys and several MTV Music Awards. God, I'm pathetic.

“Clarke, we have to medicate that hand.” my mother keeps telling me and eventually I give in, unable to do anything else. I follow her to the bathroom and let her see if there is nothing broken and disinfect my hand. I didn’t even notice that I had caused some abrasions.

“Clarke, are you okay?”. I smile, nervous. What do you really want to know mom?

“Yes, of course.” I answer. My mother doesn't add anything and bandages my hand, with a cure now unknown to me.

“Here it is, in few hours you will feel better.” she explains to me. I nod and sigh, unable even to thank her.

“Mom, I...” I try to say, but Raven coming in interrupts me. Great timing, Reyes.

“I'll leave you two alone, also because it's time to drive Aden to the kindergarten.”. I frown, perplexed.

“Isn’t Lexa going to get him?” I ask, confused.

“Not today, unfortunately.” she responds vague and then leaves. I sit on the edge of the bathtub and bow my head, unable to hold Raven's gaze. Neither of us dares to speak, she terrified of me shutting down and I of ... Well, of reality, I suppose.

“It was Murphy. Lightbourne wants a track by tonight.” I finally explain, breaking the silence. “I can't take it anymore, Rae.” I mutter then, standing up. I head towards my room, followed by a worried Raven in search of the right words to say that, however, do not exist. I get dressed, not caring about her presence. I take my bag and head downstairs again. I put on my coat and open the door.

“Where are you going?”

“I need to clear my mind, Rae.” I answer.

“But we have to work and you have to rec...” Raven tries to protest, but I interrupt her right away.

“After lunch. I'll come and record after lunch.”

“And what song are you going to send to Lightbourne? You still have to choose one!” my friend replies, nervous.

“Tell Bellamy to choose the one he thinks to be the least worse. Now sorry, but I have to go.” I cut short. I am about to cross the threshold, when Raven stops me by the wrist. I turn around. Her hazel eyes peer at me, looking for something I don't even know what it is. Maybe answers, maybe questions. I have no idea. She sighs and shakes her head.

“Give me the car keys.” she tells me.

“Rae, please.” I beg her.

“Clarke, I'm not stopping you. I'm just reminding you that they suspended your driver's license.”. I’d love to say something, but not even half a word comes out of my mouth. I hug her, holding her tightly to me.

“Thank you.” I whisper to her. I give her back the car keys and, now on the street, I begin to walk, one step after the other, under Raven's vaguely confused gaze.
   
Cadogan Street. I haven't set foot here for at least a decade. I am in one of the poorest areas of Polis, a long street that runs along the Philpott River, the region's main river. It is not very wide, but it is an important source of energy for the few factories in the area. The mouth of Philpott River is on top of Mount Weather, the highest mountain in the valley. From there it descends the mountains, along the woods, and then flows into Pound Creek. During fall it is possible to admire the large schools of salmon that go up there, to go to lay eggs. It is not unusual to come across some grizzly and you need to be cautious, but it’s worth the risk. I smile. My father and Marcus always took me, Lexa, Anya and Jasper to watch the salmons. Every year we left home at an unpredictable time and ventured through the woods, then set up tents and lurk near the waterways. I sigh. Those days will never come back, I have to accept it. I walk down Cadogan Street lost in my thoughts, until I get to a small, disrelict yellow house. I'm looking for a bell, but it’s disconnected. I shrug and decide to knock on the door, but no one answers. Maybe I got the wrong address or house number. I try again, knocking harder. I finally hear someone tinkering with the lock. The door opens, revealing a decidedly sleepy Lexa. She looks terrible.

“Clarke, what are you doing here?” she asks me, yawning. “What did you do to your hand? And how do you know where I live?”

“I read the address on Aden's backpack.” I explain, ignoring her first question. “Can I come in? I don't... I don't know where else to go.”. Lexa looks around and rubs her neck. She looks embarrassed.

“Hey, are you okay?” I ask, worried.

“Yes, I'm just very tired. I came back home around five o'clock tonight and moreover the house is a disaster and...”

“Okay, I get it. See you around, I apologize for bothering you.” I give up. I am about to leave, when I feel a hand resting on my shoulder. I turn around. Lexa looks at me intensely and I can't help but swallow before those green eyes so deep and, at the same time, full of melancholy. She bites her lip, with a shyness that I didn't remember belonging to her. Lexa has always been quite introverted, but never insecure. Looking her behavior she seems unrecognizable to me, but at the end of the day I too have changed a lot in these six years.

“Clarke, come in.” she mutters.

“Are you sure? I don't want to bother you. I mean, I didn't know you had to work until late and...”

“I didn't want to send you away, Clarke. Please come in.” she insists. I nod and follow her, without a word. It is undoubtedly a very old and rundown house, which would also need to be cleaned up inside. The furniture is bare more than essential. There are barely a few bookcases, an old couch, a table and a few rather shabby chairs. No, Lexa is definitely not doing very well.

“Sorry for the mess, yesterday I didn't have time to tidy Aden's toys. Can I offer you something? Some water, a juice, a tea?”

“Just a glass of water, thank you.” I answer, as I head with her to the kitchen. I watch her fill a glass with some water and hand it to me. I thank her and take a sip, wondering what the hell I'm doing here. God, I feel completely out of place. Suddenly, my problems seem so small and senseless to me. Maybe I should just learn to settle.

“Clarke, I didn't mean to make you uncomfortable. I know it’s not like the places you are used to go to in Los Angeles, but I am not doing so badly. It's still a roof over my head.”. Damn her and her ability to understand every time what I feel and what I think about.

“It's just that...” I try to say, but the embarrassment stops me. Lexa rubs the base her neck and smiles at me.

“You are wondering how I could end up living in this area of the town and in such a house despite Costia's work, aren’t you?”. I nod, without opening my mouth. “Well, Costia's treatments turned out to be not exactly cheap. Also, after her death there was a legal dispute with her publisher that I, of course, lost. As you know she was a writer, but Aden and I don't see a penny from her books. In a nutshell, we were broke.” she says. Her words hit me like slaps. I can't believe she dealt with all this on her own.

“Why didn't you get help, Lex? My mother, An, O, Bell and the others, they would give their lives for you.” And me too, I would like to add, but I don't.

“No Clarke, they already help me a lot with Aden, I wouldn't be able to look them in the eyes if I had to borrow some money. Plus Jasper wasn't doing well and between him and Harper's illness there were other things to think about.”. I remain silent, saddened by that confirmation. Harper is sick and I couldn't feel worse than that. I sigh.

“But stop talking about me. Why are you here? You seemed pretty upset when I opened the door.”. Suddenly, shame assails me. How can I tell her about my album after seeing how she is forced to raise her son?

“I-I... Well...” I rumble, unable to put together a sentence of complete meaning. “Yesterday I was with Aden. I mean, Raven and I took care of him, yeah.”. Lexa looks at me, confused. “Oh, you didn't know that.” I realize.

“No, I didn't know that.” she states. “Well, there was Raven, at least.”

“Hey! Look, your son adores me.” I protest, pretending to be mad.

“As you want Griffin, as you want. You haven't told me why you're here yet, though.” I raise my hands as a sign of surrender.

“You're right. You see, Aden yesterday asked me to tell him a story before falling asleep and I... Well, it's been so long since I've done that. And then I began to think about my music, about me, about what I would like to say, but that I can never express. I've been up all night Lex, but I couldn't help it.”. I see her opening her mouth wide, surprise.

“You...”

“Yes, I wrote a song.”. I gasp when I hear her arms hold me to her, so unexpected. I stand still, uncertain of what I can or cannot do. She also notices the discomfort that is raising in me and takes a step back, pulling away.

“I'm sorry...”

“No, don't apologize.” I reassure her. “I am the one who should feel sorry. I came here all of a sudden for such a stupid reason, while you...”. This time she's the one interrupting me.

“Clarke, it's not a stupid reason and you know it. It's about you, about your life. There is nothing more important than this.” I nod, unable to reply. “Come on, let me hear it.”. I jolt. I take my mobile phone out of my pocket, under her curious gaze.

“It was late at night when I composed it, so I used a special program to write the guitar chords.” I explain, opening the app from the phone.

“Smart.” she comments, a smirk on her lips. I sense her gaze on me and keep my head bowed, terrified of collide with those green eyes. I have no idea what the heck is happening to me, I just know that, all of a sudden, I feel so naked and vulnerable in front of her. God, I must have gone crazy.

“I'm waiting.” Lexa urges me, with a chuckle.

“Erm, of course.”. I clear my voice and start the instrumental. Suddenly, panic assails me. What if she doesn't like it? What if it was pathetic?

“You know what? It's just a draft, I'm not sure...” She puts her hand on my shoulder and looks at me. I swallow. I completely get lost in those green eyes so pure, so honest, so...

“It's going to be alright.” she brings me back to reality. I sigh, trying to regain some clarity. I restart the instrumental and, taking a deep breath, I start to sing. Only now do I realize how much I missed all this. I close my eyes, as the words slip out of my mouth and, with them, a desperate request for meaning and respite from this pain that has been devastating me for far too long. I don't know if I'll ever be able to find all that, but for sure now I feel closer to my aim.

----- CHAPTER BREAK -----

13.

All I want

Is a little place of my own where I can rest my head

(The Forecast-And We All Return To Our Roots)

When Raven sees me arriving at the studio with Lexa her eyes widens, incredulous. She is leaning against the wall next to the entrance door and she almost drops her coffee. She approaches us, while Lexa parks the car. I watch her turn off the engine and tap the tip of her nose, a gesture I've always found adorable.

“Thank you for the lift.” I thank her. She slightly smiles at me and gestures me not to worry.

“Don’t worry, I have to go to work anyway.” she replies and, all of a sudden, her gaze becomes lifeless and more upset and melancholic than usual. I would like to ask her what‘s going on, but I don't have the courage. God Griffin, you are pathetic.

“Tell Abby I won't be able to pick Aden until Sunday. I hope to be able to spend some time with him tomorrow after lunch, but...”

“Hey.” I interrupt her, surrounding her hands with my own. “It's all right Lex. If there's anything I can do, tell me.”. She shakes her head and bowes her look, almost intimidated by my presence. I don't understand this sudden change of attitude, but I assume it's because of tiredness. In fact, because of me she didn't even rest.

“Clarke, I...” she starts talking, but can't finish the sentence.

“Lexa!”. Raven, your timing keeps being incredible. “Thank you for bringing her back here, I thought she had run away to Los Angeles.”

“I don't think I would have gotten very far walking Rae, I would have barely reached Rockburn.” I retort, a little upset by that lack of trust in me.

“It was a pleasure. Also, as I was telling Clarke, I'm on my way to go to work, I should have left my house anyway.”. Again that melancholy in her eyes. What are you hiding from me Lexa? What is it that makes you so sad?

“Well, I have to go or I'll be late. See you.” she tells me goodbye and, opening the door, I get out of the car. I watch her as she leaves, leaving me alone with Raven.

“So, you went to Lexa, uh?”. I roll my eyes and ignore her, heading towards the entrance of the studio. If I could, I would run away.

“Come on, Griffin, I was joking!”

“I know Rae, I know.” I reassure her. “I'm nervous about the recording session. Have you and Bell chosen a song yet?”. Raven nods and hands me a sheet of paper.

“We thought Pull The Lever might be what's right for us. Not that we like it so much, but it's catchy and, all in all, not even that terrible.” she explains. I don’t reply and I silently walk through the corridor that leads to the recording room. When I enter, I find Bellamy, Jasper and Monty ready, each at their own posts.

“Clarke, are you ready? Raven and I opted for Pull The Lever, I hope you agree with our choice.” Bellamy welcomes me.

“It’s perfect.” I reassure him. “But I'm not going to record that song.”. Bellamy widens his eyes, in disbelief, as Jasper lets his drumsticks fall to the ground. Raven looks at me in shock and, next to her, Monty remains motionless, unable to understand what's in my brain. I hint a nervous smile, wanting to reassure everyone and make them understand my intentions.

“Clarke, what does that mean?” Raven finds the courage to ask me. I scratch the back of my neck, a little uncomfortable. Are you really sure Clarke? You can’t go back and you know it. You're really risking losing everything just for... Yeah, for what?

“Clarke?” Bellamy calls me back. “Listen, I've been exaggerating these days, but...”

“It has nothing to do with you, Bell. I wrote a song and I want to record it. I'm going to send this to Lightbourne.”. Raven runs a hand over her face. I've never seen her so pale. She leaves Monty and joins me quickly, grabbing me by the arm and forcing me to look at her in the eyes.

“Clarke, are you going to permanently destroy your career? What are you doing?”. I smile at her, caressing her wrist. “I knew I should listen to John and bring you to a therapist. Heck, it's obvious that you need to talk to someone, this self-destructive attitude will annihilate you and...”. I stop her.

“Rae, I've never felt better than this. I wrote a song, for the first time in months. I'm not going to record songs written by other people. I want to make a record of my own, that represents me. Isn't that why we've come here, after all?”

“Well, that makes sense.” Monty says and Raven glared at him.

“Clarke, please.” she tries to make me give up. “Don't do that.”

“It was you who told me that my new music doesn't tell you anything, I thought the idea of recording something that expresses what I really feel might be appealing to you.” I reply, confused by her stepping back. I don't understand, until last night it seemed like she was inviting me to go back to writing music.

“Clarke, trust me if I say that under other circumstances I would be the first one to support you, but here we are talking about your job and contractual commitments.”

“I don't give a damn about contractual commitments!” I retort, annoyed. “You know he would have wanted this for me!”. Bellamy, Jasper and Monty glanced at each other confused, while Raven bows her head, sad. I've probably been too harsh, but I’m not able to meet pressures and expectations anymore. I am not a puppet, but Clarke Griffin, a human being with feelings and desires. I feel the tears wetting my cheeks, despite my countless attempts to fight them back. I lean against the wall and wipe my face with the sleeves of my shirt.

“Clarke...” Raven mutters, moving towards me. I gesture her to stay where she are and not to say a word.

“Rae, you won. Come on, let’s do it.”

“Clarke, maybe...” Bellamy tries to appease us, in vain.

“No, Raven is right. Pull The Lever is perfect, now let's hurry up, I want to get home soon.”. And, as I step towards the microphone, I can't help but notice the upset, questioning looks of my old friends.
   
When we get home, I don't even wait for Raven to turn off the car. I open the door and get out, running away.

“Clarke, wait!” my friend calls me back, desperate. I turn around. Raven is looking at me, her eyes full of tears.

“Please tell my mother not to wait for me for dinner.” I just say. I see her bowing her head and sobbing and in my heart I know I should reassure her and tell her that everything will be fine, but I can't do it.

“Where are you going?” she finds the strength to ask me. Yeah, where am I going?

“I'll take a walk, I'll be back before midnight.” I answer, without even looking her in the face. She is behind me and keeps calling my name, but I ignore her. I don't have the strength to deal with an argument. I know why Raven did what she did, I'm not stupid. She thought about our careers and I should be grateful to her for such a gesture, but the truth is that, right now, my career is no longer enough for me and doesn’t make me happy. And I'm tired of not being happy. Without even realizing it, I find myself near the Azgeda. For a moment, the temptation to go there and have a few beers assails me, but I change my mind. I sigh, sticking my hands in my pockets. I go back to walking, without stopping. It's only half past six in the evening and the sun hasn't set yet. When I realize where I am I roll my eyes, in disbelief. How many memories bind me to this court. It's still exactly as I remembered it, only the red paint of the baskets is a little peeling. Some of the most hard-fought games Polis has ever witnessed have been played here. This is where I, Bellamy, Octavia and Lexa beat the arrogant Ontari Frost and her gang of idiots. These baskets have seen me grow up, literally. My father used to take me here every Saturday afternoon when I was a child. He used to play with his friends, while my mother and I watched him losing one game after another. I was here with Octavia and Lexa when I received the phone call that, most of all, changed my life. I was here when I found out he was dead.

“Griffin, what brings you here?”. I turn around and jolt. Indra is in front of me and is staring at me with the same look as those who are both surprised to see you and unhappy to have you in front of them. I sigh. I can understand her, I don’t like what I've become either.

“I was leaving.” I state.

“I don’t remember I said you can go.” she replies, a smirk painted on her face. I haven't heard that phrase in years. She always repeated it to us when we were lazy and tried to sneak away from training before it was over.

“Here, let's see if you can still shoot like you used to.” she tells me, passing me the ball she was holding in her hands.

“I don't think I'm wearing the right clothes.” I object, pointing to my shirt and jeans. “Moreover, I have a bandaged hand.”.

“The Clarke Griffin I knew used to make a score wearing heels. Now come on, I don’t have the whole evening.”

“Yes, coach.” I give in. I bounce the ball a couple of times, then take aim and shoot. The dull sound of the iron announces my failure. The umpteenth of the day, apparently.

“Well, I said I wasn't wearing the right clothes.”

“Try again, please.”. I shake my head, not sure I understood correctly.

“Indra, I don’t…”

“Try again.” she orders me, not admitting rebuttals. I snort and shoot again. This time I can't even get close to the basket.

“Try again, but in a serious way.” I roll my eyes.

“Indra, I can't do it. I haven't played in years, I have a bandaged hand and this shirt blocks my movements. Moreover, it costs two thousand dollars and I would risk ruining it.”

“Enough, Griffin.” she shushes me. “Are you going to try again in a serious way and show me that you still know how to aim to that damn basket, or would you rather stand up with self-pity and tell yourself about how a shirt and a pair of jeans prevented you from shooting a ball?”. I swallow. I don't understand what’s the point, but I don't have much choice but to do as she says. I reposition myself in front of the basket. I bounce the ball on the ground. Once, twice, three times. I look at the basket. I bend my knees, and then spear myself towards that little iron circle. The ball hovers in the air and I watch it as it slams against the metal board and, finally, slips into the basket, until it returns to the ground again. I am agape, amazed at what I have just accomplished.

“Not bad, Griffin.” Indra cheers me, patting my back. I turn to her.

“Why?” I ask her.

“Because I wish I could know you are aware of what you can do and what you want for yourself, Griffin.” she replies, cryptically. “Now sorry, but I have to go home. Whenever you want, you know where to find me.” she says goodbye and I can't help but watch her leave, while I wonder what the hell just has happened to me.
   
“Clarke, you're here.” Marcus welcomes me. My mother is behind him and runs towards me as soon as she sees me.

“I left you dinner on the stove, I hope you like it. We didn't know you were going to get home so early though, if we knew we would have waited for you to eat.” she tells me.

“I... It doesn't matter.” I'm vague. “Where is Raven?” I ask.

“Upstairs with Aden, I'm not quite sure what they're doing. She seemed upset when she came back, did something happen?" I gesture her not to worry.

“We had an argument, nothing serious.” I explain. “I'm going to talk to her.”. My mother smiles at me and caresses my hair, with affection. She quickly checks my hand, breathing a sigh of relief when she finds it’s fine, and lets me go. I go upstairs, looking for my best friend. I follow the distinct sound of her and Aden’s voices, until I get to my mother's and Marcus' room. I hide behind the door and look at them, without coming in. They are on the floor and Aden is drawing, while Raven is busy talking to him about something.

“You and Clarke are no longer friends?” her asks her. I hold my breath, a little scared of the answer Raven will give him.

“Aden, no. Sometimes it happens to fight, even you and Jordan won’t alway get along with each other perfectly, it's normal. I could never stop being friend with Clarke.”

“Why?” he asks. Raven bites her lip.

“Because I love and will love her forever. She is a special person, who has a lot of qualities. I just wish she could see it too.” I close my eyes, holding back myself from bursting into tears. “Also, where can I find a friend who eavesdrops thinking I haven’t noticed her at all?”. I chuckle and show myself up. Aden greets me shyly and I caress his head. He beckons me to sit with them and who am I not to please a five-year-old? I take a sheet of paper and a marker and I scribble, looking for words that can make Raven understand how sorry I am.

“Any news from Lightbourne?” I start. She nods.

“He liked the track, even though he thinks it’s a bit raw. She said it works well and that has the potential to chart, he just wants to hear you sing with a little more conviction.”. I shake my head. I rub my neck. Now or never.

“Rae, I... I'm sorry.”

“No, Clarke. It's my fault, I'm your best friend and I didn't believe in you.” Raven replies.

“You thought about saving my career and I treated you very badly.”. She caresses my arm.

“You deserve to be taken seriously, Clarke Griffin. That's why I talked to Bellamy before dinner. We have come to a conclusion that you might like. Or, at least, I hope so.” I look at her, curious.

“What did you do, Reyes?” I ask her, jokingly. Aden looks at us, quite confused.

“By day we are going to work on your record, but we may reserve a window of time to play and record whatever you want. Of course, this will lead to even a tighter schedule, but...”. I don't let her finish and I hug her.

“I love you, Rae.” I whisper to her.

“Me too, Clarke.” she replies. Only later do I realize that she scribbled on my arm with one of Aden's markers.

“Hey!” I protest.

“I'm sorry Griffin, you're outnumbered. Aden, to the attack!”. I start running, chased by my best friend and a five-year-old, both armed with dangerous markers. And, for the first time in a long time, I think I am feeling serene.

----- CHAPTER BREAK -----

14.

My shoes are tied my bags are packed
I’m thinking back on these wasted years I spent finding hope in this broken mess
[…]
I’ve come too far to let myself end up this way

(For The Win-More Than You Know)

Happiness. What is happiness? Well, first of all it's a word, with a very specific meaning. Secondly, it's a feeling. Lastly, it is something that I think I have never fully experienced, except when I was very young. It is not clear to me whether the fate of every human being is unhappiness and discontent or whether, instead, it is nothing more than a series of wrong choices that lead us to restlessness and anguish. In my case, perhaps, it's both. I can't exactly say when I stopped being happy. I have no idea, it happened long before I lost my father for sure. All I know is that I remember what it's like to be happy and I crave that feeling, but I'm afraid I'll never experience it again. I have too many weights that drag me down. It's like walking on an unsafe bridge, ready to crumble into a thousand pieces at every step. I'm just waiting for one of those planks to fail, every day. Still, I've been wondering for two days if there's nothing more for me. I don't have answers, maybe I'll never find them, but I think I want to try to figure it out. At the end of the day, I don't think I can feel worse than this.

“Clarke, good morning. Your mother is still in bed, but I think she'll wake up soon.” Marcus greets me. He has a backpack on his shoulders and boots on his feet.

“Are you going hiking with the others?” I ask him. It's a beautiful day and I know that last Sunday he stayed at home just because I came back to Polis.

“You're still in time to join us, Raven is already in the car.”

“Raven?”. He nods and I shake my head, in disbelief. “There will be everyone there, Octavia, Bellamy, Jasper, Anya...”. As soon as I hear that name, I shiver.

“I think it's better for me to stay here.” I say. Marcus sighs and puts his hand on my shoulder.

“Look, she doesn't hate you. You know how she is, she's just very protective of her cousin."

“Yes, I know.” I mutter. “It's that it would seem inappropriate to me. Also, I haven't gone hiking in a long time, I don't think I'm able to enjoy one of your hikes.”. God, what a pathetic excuse.

“As you wish, just know that today Lexa and Aden will be there too, the hike won’t be challenging.” I widen my eyes. What's wrong with me?

“I thought Aden was still here.”

“No, he's in the car with Raven. Lexa is going to directly join us in Nopar. From there we will take the path that leads into the woods, it will be fun.” I bite my lip. The proposal is tempting, I have no doubt about that. Marcus looks at me, waiting for an answer. I know he would like me to go. I sigh.

“Okay.” I give up, finally. “But I don't have boots, nor the right clothes.”

“Don't worry, I'll lend you my things.” I turn around. My mother gives me an amused smile, probably happy that Marcus managed to convince me to go out.

“How long have you been here?” I ask her.

“Long enough to know that you need a pair of boots. Mine are in the garage, we should wear the same size, more or less. As for the clothes, feel free to take whatever you want from my closet.”. I bite my lip. They won, definitely. I don't even try to protest. I let out a sigh. All I have to do is follow my mother to the garage.
   
“Clarke! We didn't know you were going to come too!" Octavia greets me, stepping forward to me.

“Yeah, neither do I.” I answer, immediately regretting the harsh tone i used. I sigh, as I watch Raven head carefree to the rest of the group and go to say hi to Anya. I think I'm starting to guess where they ended up the other night at the pub and also what my best friend had to do the morning Lexa had to drive me to the studio. I shake my head, in disbelief. Behind me, Marcus makes sure Aden has his boots well laced.

“Where is Lexa?” I ask, noticing her absence.

“Don't worry Griffin, she’s on her way. She isn’t the kind of person who vanishes without a trace, unlike someone.”. Hit and sunk, Anya 1-Clarke 0. I take the hit and hint a nervous smile, trying to mask my discomfort. Jasper catches up with me and puts his hand on my shoulder, while from a distance Bellamy, Echo and Lincoln, busy with arranging their backpacks, nod at me. I am about to say something, when I notice a green and rather beat-up car getting closer and closer. Parking is not the best, but no one seems to care. The car door opens and, as soon as Lexa gets out of the car, Aden runs towards her and hugs her. She crouches down at his height and caresses his head gently, then snaps a kiss on his forehead.

“Sorry for the late, I hoped I could come here sooner.”

“Don't worry Lex, what matters is that you were able to get some rest.” Bellamy reassures her. Lexa nods and fixes her jacket, covering her neck as much as possible. Out of the corner of my eye I see Anya shaking her head, her gaze full of disappointment and concern. Now that I think about it, even on Wednesday at the Azgeda Lexa kept fixing the collar of her jacket. There's something that doesn't leave me comfortable, but I also know that I don't have the right to ask her any questions. After all, why would she open up to me, when all I did was push her away?

“Clarke.” Jasper calls me back, snapping two fingers in front of my eyes.

“Sorry, I was... I was thinking.” I mutter. Marcus beckons to me that everything is fine and invites me to follow him.

“Okay guys, let’s go!” he exclaims, taking a path and going into the woods, soon followed by all the others. I move hesitantly, praying that there are no animals ready to attack me. I have to admit that six years in Los Angeles have made me completely not used to this kind of environment anymore.

“Clarke, are you all right? Don't fall behind!” Lexa recommended, probably a little worried about my slowness.

“Uh, yeah, I'm just a little out of training.” I say, as I speed up the pace to reach them. Suddenly, Aden stops. He turns to me and reaches out. I don't understand, is he… Waiting for me? His big dark eyes are staring and peering at me. They are looking at me, simply for who I am. He, doesn't know who I am, who I was and what I did,  he doesn't really know me. He has no prejudice, he holds no grudge against me. And yet, of all, he is probably the only one who really knows me. To him I'm Clarke, nothing else. And God knows how much I missed such a feeling. His hands wrap around my fingers and I feel him clinging to me. I have a lump in my throat, but I ignore it. Lexa looks at me, her gaze full of astonishment, I think she didn't quite understand what just happened either.

“It’s about time Clarke, I didn't think you'd be so slow.” Raven mocks me. I roll my eyes and hit her arm.

“I haven't gone hiking in six years, what did you expect?” I reply, as Aden drags me forward, full of enthusiasm.

“Didn't you like the mountain anymore?” he asks me.

“No, on the contrary, I love it. It's just that I moved to Los Angeles and never went hiking anymore.” I answer.
“And couldn't you come home?”. Great, and now how do I explain this to him? I turn to Lexa asking for help, but Anya stops her from joining us and gives me a look that seems to scream now you’re on your own. And to think that we used to be great friends. I sigh. I stop Aden and kneel in front of him. I smile at him, a little insecure.
“See Aden, sometimes going home isn’t possible. Not because you don't really want it, but because you are aware that you need something else.” I say. I see him frown, confused.

“Like when Mom and I didn't go back to Boston?”. I can feel Lexa's gaze behind my back. I turn around. Those wonderful green irises are now covered in a thick blanket of tears. Lexa is leaning against Anya's chest and, around us, the rest of the group is watching us, in silence.

“Yes Aden, that's right.” I whisper, then get up and start walking again, without saying a word. I feel a deep anguish rising in my chest and never as before did I wish I could scream the truth and explain why Polis, all of a sudden, was no longer what I needed. No, I can't do that. I've been resisting all these years, I can't give in right now. I try to focus on the nature that surrounds me. Around me, very tall beech trees and red maples stand out, from which an impressive amount of birds keep chirping. From time to time, it is possible to notice some squirrels watching us, curious. I would like to merge with all of this. I wish I was at peace, but I can't do it and it makes me a bit nervous.

“Well guys, I'd say it's lunch time. We can stop here, it seems like a good place,” Marcus states. We have reached a small clearing and, in front of us, it is possible to admire the majesticness of Mount Weather.

“It's beautiful.” Raven whispers, amazed. “There are no such places in Los Angeles.”. I smile at her and help her put the blanket on the floor.

“If you want to go eat with Anya and Lexa, do it.” I tell her, noticing a certain tension in her and the obvious desire to spend some time with Anya. She jolts, she probably didn't expect it.

“I don't... Clarke...”

“Hey, it's okay. Anya is mad at me and she's right, but she doesn't know you. I'm not blind Rae, I've noticed how you look at her.”. She bites her lip and I caress her arm to reassure her.

“Clarke, I don't know how it happened. We had breakfast together to explain ourselves after that disastrous night at Bellamy and Echo's and I...”

“Rae, I'm not angry. Go to her. I’m fine.

“Thank you.” she whispers and, getting up, joins Anya and her cousin, while I rummage through her backpack looking for a sandwich. I bite it as I look around. It's a great day, there's no cloud in the sky. I get lost in my thoughts and I don't even notice that Lexa is sitting next to me. When I see her, I jerk, scared.

“God, I now understand where Aden got it from.” I claim. She looks at me, confused, and I gesture her to let it go. We remain silent, while around us the rest of the group is chatting and having fun. The truth is that we both have an immense fear of destroying the precarious balance that in these few days we have managed to create. Or, at least, I am terrified of it. I try to avoid her eyes as much as possible. Those green irises have always had power over me. I've never been able to resist them, one way or another they've always been able to read me inside like no one else. And I am sorry to see that in six years this has not changed in the slightest.

“Clarke.” Lexa calls me, but I ignore her, keeping her head bowed. I feel the palm of her hand resting on my cheek. I gasp. It's cold, but at the same time so warm.

“Clarke, look at me.” she doesn’t give up. I have no more strength. All I can do is give in. I turn to her. Her emerald eyes hit me, a feeling that, in my own way, I have missed. There is no trace of resentment in her gaze, just a deep concern and a lot of questions. Still, she doesn't ask me anything. She knows I wouldn't answer, I'm not ready yet. And I don't think I will ever be.

“Bellamy told me you're going to record some of your songs.” she starts.

“Yes. It’s nothing official, just a project to have some fun. I have contractual obligations and I am not allowed to release tracks that aren’t approved by my record company.” I explain. “But I feel I need it. You know, it's been a long time since I have enjoyed making music." I confess, almost more to myself than to her. Admitting it out loud is so scary. Lexa surrounds my hands with hers, in such an unexpected way. I don't understand, why doesn't she hate me? I hurt her so much, why does she still seem to love me?

“Clarke, whatever is torturing you this way, just know that you don't have to deal with it on your own.”. I shake my head.

“That's not true. You are always alone with your own pain, Lex. It's the only certainty I have.”. I see her bowing her head. If it were Bellamy, I know he would have replied, trying to disprove me. But Lexa is not Bellamy. Lexa knows pain, better than anyone else. And, consequently, she also knows when it is not appropriate to answer with words. She stands up and reaches out, inviting me to follow her. We walk for five minutes, until we get to a stream. I recognize this place, I often came here with Lexa and dad.

“I miss him so much too.”. I immediately understand who she is talking about. My father was an important figure for Lexa during her childhood.

“He would be proud of you.” I tell her.

“He would be proud of you too, Clarke.”. I nod, not convinced, at all. Why should he be proud of a wreck like me? I sigh and I am about to go back, but Lexa grabs me by the arm.

“Lex, what are you doing?” I ask her, confused. In response, she bites her lip and gives me a cunning, crafty smile.

“Lexa if you have to tell me something, you better do it o-...”. I don't have time to finish, I find myself in the stream, completely soaked. On the shore, Lexa and Jasper laugh out loud, amused.

“It's not funny.” I protest.

“Oh, it is.” Jasper replies.

“You are two bastards.” I say, as I try to get back to the shore.

“Wait, I'll help you.” Lexa proposes to me, reaching out. Our eyes meet for the umpteenth time since I've been here and, for a few moments, I get lost in those incredible green irises. They tell of a unique world, of which few are aware, burdened with suffering, fatigue, sacrifice, but also joy. Only now do I realize how important Aden is to her.

“I’m sorry.” I whisper.

“For what?” she asks me, frowning.

“For this.” I answer, dragging her with me into the water. I burst out laughing, while she admits defeat.

“I deserved it.” she states. We then turn to Jasper.

“You're still dry.” I say.

“And I’m perfectly fine.” he claims.

“Oh no, come here Jas.” Lexa starts chasing him, splashing him with water. And, as we chase Jasper, an entirely new hypothesis begins to creep into me. No, I'm not happy. I can't lie to myself and keep pretending to be so. And yet, for the first time in a long time, I wish I could be.

----- CHAPTER BREAK -----

15.

Sometimes when I get crazy, all I do is reminiscing you

Just tell me what I can do to make it all right

(Puddle Of Mudd-Just Tell Me)

The asphalt. I'm on the asphalt. I can't move and my head hurts a lot. I feel sharp pain in my ribs and only now do I notice that my shirt is stained with blood. I look around, as far as possible. And, when I realize that that blood is not mine, all I can do is scream.
 
“Clarke! Clarke, wake up!”. I open my eyes slowly, trying to get used to the dim sunlight that penetrates from the curtains.

“Raven, am I dead?”

“Wha-... No, I gotta say that you're pretty alive. You had a nightmare, you're safe now.” my friend reassures me. Behind her, on the threshold, my mother looks at me, worried.

“Do they happen often?” she asks, all of a sudden. I can see how she immediately regrets asking me this question, but by now the damage has been done. At the end of the day, she is just worrying about me, it's natural.

“N-no, just every now and the-...”

“Rae, she's a doctor, she understands very well when you're lying to her.” I interrupt my friend.

“Oh Clarke, for how long?” my mother asks, stepping forward to my bed.

“For about a year. They are disappearing as time goes on, sooner or later they will be utterly over, I'm sure.”. My mother hugs me and snaps a kiss on my forehead. Right now I would like to have the strength to get away. I can't let her to bond so much with me again. I will leave and I don't want her to suffer again because of me. She doesn't deserve it.

“What happened to you, Clarke? Tell me, how can I help you?” she asks me, worried. I sigh. I would like to talk, I would like to open up. I want it so much, but I can't do it. I shake my head and sit on the bed. I remove the blankets and put my feet on the ground.

“Mom, everything is fine. It's just stress.” I minimize, getting up and heading to the door.

“You know I love you, don't you?” She suddenly asks, behind me. I stop and close my eyes, clenching my fists. I don't have the courage to turn around. I would give in and I can't afford it.

“Yes, I know.” I just mutter, then leave the room and leave my mother alone, again.
   
“Good morning Clarke, did you sleep well? You look horrible.”

“Good morning to you too Monty, very kind as usual.” I reply, trying to resist the temptation to smile.

“At your service, Clarke.”. I roll my eyes and go to the microphone, while Jasper and Bellamy giggle with Raven. By now we have decided which songs to record and I hope to be able to finish recording the album by the middle of next week. Sure, it won't be the most personal and nicest album of my entire career, but at least it will sell. Or, at least, that's what I hope.

“This morning I would say it's the turn of Commander. God, what a stupid title for a song.” I claim, as I fix my headphones.

“Clarke, are you ready?” Monty asks me and I say yes. Slight guitar lines announce the beginning of the track and I focus on the lyrics. Not that I find myself in front of verses with such a metaphorical meaning. On the contrary, I sing trying to think as little as possible about the words that come out of my mouth. They don't represent me at all.

“Great job Clarke, now we have to work on the second voices and we’ll be good, then I think we can eat something.”

I nod and go to the microphone again. I rub my neck, while focusing on the tone in which I have to sing. There is something that doesn't convince me.

“Are you okay?” Jasper asks.

“Y-yes. It's just that... Rae, if I changed a couple of things do you think Lightbourne will get mad?”. My friend widens her eyes, caught completely off guard.

“Well, I... Clarke, I don't think it's a good idea.” she replies. I snort and surrender to the idea that I have to adapt to Lightbourne's wishes and sing a track that doesn't work in its entirety. Cursed be the day Murphy found me in that pub.

“I think it’s nice, isn’t it?” I ask, once the song is over.

“Do you want to listen to it again?” Monty proposes me, but I shake my head in no. I don't like to listen to these tracks, they have no soul and only make me sad. I step away from the microphone and head towards Raven. She hands me my coat and bag and caress my back, tenderly.

“Come on, it wasn't bad.” try to soften the blow.

“It was terrible, in fact.” I retort, discouraged. I lean against the wall and wait for our friends to join us. When I see that Lexa is with them too, I find myself unconsciously smiling, as if her presence could help me to put aside for a few moments all the things  I have endured these last days. I don't know how this is possible, I just know that I'm happy that she is here.

“So, what do we have today?” Bellamy asks.

“Pizza again and a cake baked by Harper. By the way, she says hi to you, Clarke.”. I thank him with my eyes and let melancholy assault me. I try to drive it away biting a slice of pizza, in vain.

“Monty, I am sorry for Harper.” I say, finally.

“I know.” he just mutters. “It's tough, especially for Jordan, but the treatments are working and the doctors are optimistic.” he explains. I lay a hand on his shoulder and smile at him, hoping that he understands how close, at this moment, I am to him. A tense silence falls, full of unspoken words and regrets, mostly mine, broken only by the inappropriate ringing of Raven's mobile phone.

“Sorry, it's Murphy. I'll be right back.” she announces, then she stands up and goes to the hallway.

“You know Lex, it's a pity your cousin beat you to it, Raven is so ho-... Ouch, Bell!”. I watch Bellamy and Jasper beat each other like two brown bear cubs while me, Monty and Lexa laugh out loud. I turn to her and peer at her, biting my lip. Her eyes tell of a young woman forced to grow up all too quickly and continually harassed by life. She lost her parents first, then her trust in her uncles, then she lost me and, lastly, Costia. I shake my head. It would be so easy to tell her the truth about what happened four years ago, but I can't. It would be too cruel. I sigh and keep looking at her. It’s amazing how beautiful and elegant she is even these way, wearing a pair of jeans and a sweatshirt and devoid of sleep for who knows how much. Not that I'm attracted to her, not in that sense at least.

“Earth calls Clarke, are you okay?” She calls me back, awakening me from my thoughts.

“Uh, I... Yes, I think so.” I stutter.

“Are you sure?” she insists, as she fixes the collar of her sweatshirt, almost as she wants to disappear into it.

“Yes Lex, I’ve never felt better.” I finally state, crossing my eyes with her. “What about you, instead?” I ask her. Her eyes are filled with deep melancholy and, without thinking twice, she looks away.

“Yes, I'm... I'm fine.” she responds, evasive. Before she can say anything else I lay my hand on her leg, forcing her to turn to me. Her green irises hit me, making me shiver.

“Lex, I know I hurt you and abandoned you in the worst way possible, but now I'm here. I just want you to know that you can tell me anything, I know it sounds terribly hypocritical, but if you need I'm here.”. She shyly smiles at me, as if my words comforted and destabilized her at the same time. I would like to say more, but Raven's return prevents me from doing it.

“What’s your problem?” she starts, pointing at Bellamy and Jasper. Monty laughs out loud, while our two friends, lying on the floor, stand up from the ground and try to pull themselves together. Raven shakes her head and turns to me. I don't know why, but I'm afraid of what she's going to say.

“I talked to Murphy.” she claims and I nod, inviting her to continue. “Guess who will perform at the unveiling of the new Beverly Hills fire station?”. I open my mouth wide, in disbelief.

“Rae, I was literally destroying Beverly Hills, I don't think the firefighters want to see me.” I reply, quite shocked by the news my best friend just gave me.

“That's the point, you're going to show that you've changed and settled down. Aren't you happy?"

“I’m on cloud nine!” I state, with a hint of sarcasm. Raven glared at me and gestured me to go back to the microphone.

“Well, I'd say it's time to get back to work. Lexa, are you joining us?” she asks. Lexa turns to me, insecure. She has a strange light in her eyes, which betrays a certain... Fear? Is it ever possible?

“I-I would love it but...”. I gesture her that everything is fine and that she can stay. I smile at her. I need her to stay. I know I've done nothing but run away for the last six years, it's the only thing I can do other than sing. That's why I need her here. That's why I need her not to leave. God, I'm pathetic.

“Well Lexa, go with Monty and Raven. And Clarke, get ready, now it’s the turn of This Is My Mind, Not My Body.” Bellamy says and I can't help but roll my eyes and mask my total lack of enthusiasm.
   
“Here we are.” Lexa says. Raven and I offered to take her home once we finished working on the songs on my EP. I’ve just recorded a few covers, but what I felt singing those songs was totally different from that sense of oppression that has tormented me throughout the day. Yes, I chose songs written by others, but that represented me, finally. I haven't really felt so free in a long, very long time. Today, music has started to make sense to me again. And, to be honest, I didn’t think it could be possible.

“Thank you for the ride.” Lexa brings me back to reality.

“Thank you for coming, really. I hope you had a good time.”

“Absolutely yes, so much.” she says, even though her green eyes betray a certain melancholy.

“Lex, are you okay?” I ask, worried.

“Huh? Yes, I'm fine, I'm just a little sad that I haven’t been able to be with Aden today, but maybe it's better this way.” she answers, rubbing her neck.

“Don't even say that, he is your son!” Raven replies, alarmed by those words almost as much as I am. Something is wrong and it is obvious. I watch her continue to fix her sweatshirt nervously, as if she's terrified that I might see something I shouldn't.

“Lex, what's going on?” I ask, almost scared. She smiles at me, even though I think she's just masking her desire to burst into tears.

“Nothing, I'm just very tired and in the last few days I've slept badly.” she minimizes. Raven and I glanced at each other. I don't give up and force her to look me in the eyes, trying to ignore as much as possible what those two emerald irises cause in me. God, what's wrong with me?

“Lex, please talk to me.” I insist, taking her hands, but all I get is her wriggling herself free and opening the car door.

“Leave me alone, Clarke! You don't have the right to ask me anything, not after what happened four years ago!” she yells at me. I swallow, completely unprepared for a similar reaction. Next to me, Raven is motionless, shocked.

“Lex...” I mutter, in vain.

“Good night!” she just says harshly, slamming the door so hard, that I can feel the car shaking. I watch her as she heads to the door of her house, wiping her face of tears from time to time.

“What the heck has just happened?” Raven asks, frozen.

“I don't... I don't know.” I answer, confused and hurt at the same time. “I thought somehow we had made peace.” I explain, in tears. Raven hugs me and snaps a kiss on the back of my head. She cradles me sweetly and I don't complain, nor do I try to escape that embrace. I have no idea what happened a few minutes ago. After all, I know almost nothing about Lexa now and this awareness hurts. I sigh. After all, four years ago I permanently removed her from my life. Only now do I realize the most bitter of truths. It took me years to be able not to retrace my steps and only a few days to allow her to re-enter my everyday life so forcefully. I curve my lips into an almost desperate smile. Yes, maybe Lexa is right. I can't look back, she and I are not the same girls we were six years ago. I have to move on, whatever that means. And yet, as I look at Lexa's house one last time, I can't help but regret a little I didn’t  get out of the car and chase her.

----- CHAPTER BREAK -----

16.

Dirty laundry is piling in her room
She's got her secrets, yeah I got mine too

(All Time Low-Dirty Laundry)

Needless to say, after what happened last night, I haven’t slept much. I sit up on the bed and rub my eyes. I can't stop thinking about Lexa, about her eyes so full of sadness and guilt. I sigh and get up. I go to the bathroom and I shower, then I go back to my room and finish getting dressed. I check the time. It's still early and Raven will wake up in an hour, so I can take it easy and go say hello to my mom and Marcus. Maybe they could even help me understand what happened yesterday. When I go downstairs and get to the kitchen, however, I find Aden having breakfast, all upset, and my mother sweetly caressing his back.

“Are you sick, sweetheart?” I ask, a little worried. My mother scratches her forehead in great embarrassment, while Aden shrugs and doesn't answer me. I turn to Marcus in search of an explanation, but he just shakes his head and asks my mom with his gaze what to say. My heart is in my throat.

“What's going on?” I ask, definitely in panic. “Mom?” I insist. My mother sighs and bows her head for a few seconds.

“Lexa won’t come pick him up to bring him to school and he didn't take it well.” she explains, finally. I roll my eyes, in disbelief.

“Is she fine? Last night she acted in such a strange way and maybe something happ-...”

“Clarke, it happens sometimes.” Marcus interrupts me. “Unfortunately, she works a lot and doesn't always get to come here early in the morning. Lexa is doing everything she can, and once he grows up, Aden will be able to see it too.”. I turn to the child. He is absent-mindedly dipping a cookie into a cup full of milk. Suddenly, he drops it on the table and leans back on the chair, his arms crossed.

“I want my mom. She promised me!” he complains, now in tears.

“Come on, you'll see her this afternoon.” my mother tries to console him, in vain. I take a chair and sit down in front of him, caressing his head. I sense the seriousness of the situation and my intuition suggests that there is something wrong with Lexa's decision, but it is not the right time to investigate further.

“Aden, look at me.”. The child raises his gaze and his dark eyes cross mine, curious. I smile at him, trying to be as reassuring as possible.

“Would you like to skip school today?”. My mother glares at me.

“Clarke!”. I ignore her and focus on Aden.

“If you want, you can come with me to the studio today. Bellamy, Monty and Jasper will also be there.”

“And Raven, above all.” We turn around. My best friend is on the threshold of the kitchen, visibly sleepy and confused. She yawns loudly and I let out a smile. Raven reaches the kitchen counter and pours a cup of coffee, then drinks it almost all in one breath.

“You'll get a heart attack if you keep drinking coffee like that.” I tell her.

“Pff, you should know that by now caffeine is like chamomile for me.” she replies. “So, can anyone tell me what's going on?” she asks.

“Lexa can't come pick him up this morning.” I explain. Raven lets out an

Oh

and then crouches to him, until she is at Aden’s height. She ruffles his hair and snaps a kiss on his forehead, with affection. She really is good with him.

“It’s okay to me. Would you like to come and see how we create a song?”. Aden nods.

“Can I go, auntie Abby? Can I?” he asks, insistently. My mother rolls her eyes and turns to Marcus, looking for help. Help that, however, never comes. On the contrary, Marcus gestures her to let him go with us.

“Oh, okay.” she gives in, finally. “But come home soon, please.”
   
When we get to the studio, Aden opens the car door and runs away, excited. I wonder how he can have all that energy even though he got up long before me.

“Don't run, wait for us!” I call him, not losing sight of him. He turns to me and leans against the front door, waiting for us to arrive.

“I'll check a couple of things for work and I'll be there, you guys go ahead.” Raven proposes me. I nod and join Aden who, as soon as he sees me, takes my hand. It's a strange feeling every time, I'm not used to it. We go inside the studios, until we get to the record room. The door is half-closed and I can catch a glimpse of Bellamy, Jasper and Monty ready, hands on deck.

“Okay champ, now it’s better we go inside. Please, get close to Monty and behave." I say to Aden, crouching in front of him. He nods, with a sad gaze. I smile at him and caress his hair, but when I see two big tears wet his cheeks I immediately stand up. I wipe them with my thumbs and hold him close to me.

“Is my mom tired of me?” he asks all of a sudden and I feel my heart clenching painfully. I cradle him and sing an improvised song to him, as I wonder what's really going on in Lexa's life.

“Your mom loves you so much, Aden. It's just... Sometimes we adults are forced to do things we don't like so that those we love can live a happy life.”. Aden raises his gaze and peers at me with his hazel eyes. He sniffs and clings to my shirt, as he tries to regular his breath.

“No one will ever get tired of you, Aden.” I whisper to him, as I caress his back. I wait for him to calm down, then snap a kiss on his head and force him to raise his head.

“Do you feel like coming in?” I ask him. Aden nods and I push him to the door, smiling at him. I am about to follow him, when a voice behind me calls me. I turn around. Bellamy is in front of me, his eyes full of confusion. I don't understand.

“Is this why you left?” he starts. “Is this why you cut ties four years ago?”. I swallow. He must have heard what I told Aden.

“Bell...”

“No, Clarke! Damn, what happened? Who are you protecting?” he insists and in this moment I would like to do nothing but disappear.

“Bell, please, not here.”

“And where? When? Four years, Clarke! Four years in which the only news we had about you came from the internet or magazines!”

“Bell...” I mutter, almost in a plea. I just want him to stop, I need it. I swallow.

“I need answers, Clarke. Who are you protecting? Me? Lexa? Who?”

“Bellamy, enough.”. We both turn. Jasper is staring at us, with hard eyes. He shakes his head and clenches his fists, trying to look confident. Seeing him like this causes me to let out a smile, I almost feel fond of him.

“Ah, okay, I should have imagined that. You told him everything, didn't you? To me and Lexa, on the other hand, quite nothing. In the end that's what we're worth to for you, perfect.”

“That's enough, Bell. She has sacrificed far more than you think.” Jasper scolds him. I bow my head, as if I were an ostrich ready to bury my head in the sand. I feel two hands resting on my shoulders and I am forced to raise my gaze. Bellamy's dark eyes peer at me, looking for answers I'm unable to give him.

“I'm sorry.” I mumble. He sighs and looks away for a few moments. Then, unexpectedly, he pulls me in a hug.

“She deserves to know.” he whispers in my ear, as he gently cradles me. As always, he can't understand.

“No, Bell. Lexa deserves to feel fine and not to suffer anymore. I can't hurt her, I would never forgive myself.”. He smiles at me, not entirely convinced, and caresses my cheek.

“So are you coming sing?” Aden asks us, coming out of the door.

“I think the album will have to wait.” I claim and Bellamy nods. He turns around and, picked up Aden, he starts to tickle him. It's such a domestic scene, that I feel a hole in my heart. I don't even know why. All I know is that, right now, I'm almost on the verge of bursting into tears. And, when I feel Raven's hand resting on my back, all I can do is breathe a sigh of relief. I clap my hands, more to pull myself together than anything else.

“Well, time to work!” I exclaim, taking a guitar. I sit down and invite Aden to sit between me and Bellamy. I embrace the guitar and start strumming a few chords. Without even noticing, I find myself playing

Both Sides Now

by Joni Mitchell. I shake my head. When we were younger, Lexa loved this song. And, as soon as I start singing, a bitter smile is painted on my face. I would like her to be here and I don't even know why.
   
“Did you have fun?” Raven asks Aden and the child nods, happy.

“Be honest, it was great because I was there, wasn't it?” Monty teases him.

“No.” Aden responds, and we all burst in laughter out loud.

“I'm sorry bro, maybe next time.” Jasper mocks his best friend.

“Well, I think it's time for us to go home. My mother is waiting for us for dinner and the little man here has to go to sleep early.” I claim.

“Hey, I'm not little!” Aden protests and I raise my hands.

“Forgive me sir, I'll never say that again.” I reply, pinching his hip. He bursts out laughing and hides behind Raven, who holds him. She helps him button his jacket and takes him by the hand. We say goodbye to our friends and head to the car, Aden between me and Raven holding us both by the hand.

“Will mom be at home?” he suddenly asks, while I fasten his seat. I look at him with all the tenderness I am capable of.

“No Aden, I'm sorry.” I mutter and his sad expression breaks my heart. I turn to Raven. I know we're both thinking the same thing.

“Rae...”

“Clarke, we're already late.”

“He hasn't seen her in two days.” I insist. My friend sighs. She’s torn, I know that. She sits down behind the wheel and beckons me to get in the car.

“Oh, okay, but you’re the one talking to your mother.” she gives in, finally.

“Thank you.”. Raven smiles at me and starts the car. I show her the way, while in the back seat Aden is visibly excited. He understands where we are going to and is full of joy. To be honest, I need to see her too. I am worried, I have a feeling that she is in trouble. Lexa can be so stubborn, completely unable to ask for a hand and get help. I wave a hand through my hair. That’s rich from me. God, I'm pathetic.

“She is fine, I just hope she's not at work already.” Raven reassures me, as if could read my mind. I nod in silence, lost in my thoughts. No, I can't calm down. Her words from last night keep echoing in my mind, terrifying.

I'm just a little sad that I haven’t been able to be with Aden today, but maybe it's better this way

she said, a scary sentence and to which, probably, I should have given more attention. I've seen how much she cares about her son and how important that child is to her, why would she think that not being with him is the best choice? Ironically, in the end she and I are not that different. Or maybe yes, I have no idea. I just know that as soon as Raven parks the car in front of her house, I feel my heart in my throat. I quickly get out of the car and run to the door. I am about to knock, but right after I realize it's open.

“Stay in the car with Aden.” I tell Raven. My friend glances at me with a confused look, but she doesn't complain. I enter slowly and cautiously, fearing the presence of a thief. There seems to be no one and this worries me even more.

“Lexa?” I call her, without getting any answer. I don't think she went to work, she would never leave the house open. I'm already on the verge of calling the police, when an uncontrolled sob catches my attention. It comes from Lexa's room, I'm sure of that. I run without thinking twice. I open the door and freeze. Lexa is on the floor, in tears. Her face is covered in blood and the torn sleeve of her shirt reveals many bruises, old and new. I am motionless, unable to do anything. Blood, like that night. Like one year ago. Like ten years ago. I shake my head. No, it's not the same.

“C-Clarke.” Lexa mumble, realizing my presence in her room.

“Lex, I'm here. I‘ve got you.” I reassure her, finally moving towards her. I help her sit against the wall, sitting her against some pillows.

“I'm f-freezing.”. I caress her cheek, while I clean her of blood with a handkerchief. I close my eyes. One year ago. Ten years ago. Now. No, it won't happen again. Not this time. Not today.

----- CHAPTER BREAK -----

Where were you when the sky opened up?

Is that when we died?

Is that when we learned to survive?

(Dangerous Summer-Where Were You When The Sky Opened Up?)

Lexa slowly opens her eyes, trying to get used to the hospital's neon light. She looks a little lost.

“Hey.” I whisper to her, shaking her hand gently. I rub her knuckles with my thumb and smile at her, to try to calm her down. I wasn't here eight months ago, but I want to be here now. I need it.

“Aden...” I hear her mumbling, in panic.

“She is with Anya and Raven at my p-... At my mom’s place.” I reassure her. I hear her breathe a sigh of relief. I gently caress her forehead, fixing her hair behind her ears. She has an ugly shiner, a split lip and a deep wound on her temple that costed her nine stitches, yet even in this condition her green eyes are yes full of melancholy, but at the same time so full of life. I have no idea where she can find all this strength, All I know is that I wish I could be like her.

“Lexa, welcome back.” a young doctor greets her, entering the room. Eric Jackson is a few years older than me and, despite his young age, he is very a good friend of my mother. She works in a completely different ward, but has worked with him. He's a good guy and Miller, his boyfriend, was a close friend of mine while we were attending high school.

“How are you?” he asks her.

“I don't know. I mean, my head and hip hurt, but I'm still alive, so I think it’s good.” Lexa answers.

“He didn't ask you if you're still breathing Lex.” my mother intervenes, suddenly entering the door. “Thank you Jackson, I'll take care of it now.”. Eric says goodbye and leaves us alone, with Lexa shyly hiding under the sheets, fearing a confrontation that, however, is blatantly inevitable.

“Lexa.” my mother calls her. “We'll discharge you tomorrow morning.” Lexa gets pale and shakes her head.

“No, I... I can't, I have to go to...”. My mother interrupts her, sitting on the bed and holding her to herself. I'm starting to feel a little out of place, but they both make me gesture me to stay.

“If you want, I can drive you to Pike and...”

“No, that's okay. Nothing happened and it would be useless anyway, you know.” I listen to that dialogue, confused. I can’t understand.

“Lex, whoever assaulted you deserves to end up in prison!” I snap. My mother sighs.

“Can I talk to you for a second, in private?” she proposes me. I nod and watch her as she stands up and beckoned me to follow her. We go out to the hallway and she leans against the wall. She is not on duty and she isn’t wearing a scrub. She's only here for Lexa and, for a second, I wonder if, maybe, the presence of what was once my best friend managed to soothe the pain of my absence.

“Clarke, don't push her. It's a complicated situation and...”

“Don't push her? Mom, when I found her that way I thought she was going to die!” I retort, so nervous. My mother rubs the back of her neck, probably looking for the right words to say. She bites her lip and takes a deep breath.

“It’s not my place to tell you what's going on in her life.”

“Are you kidding me? They beat her to death! She might be dead now!" I reply. My mother lays her hands on my shoulders and invites me to breathe in and out, slowly.

“Clarke, nothing like that would have happened. Unfortunately, this is not the first time we've found her this way.” I feel a lump in my throat.

“Are you telling me that you and the others know that there is someone who threats her like this and you have never done anything?”

“Clarke...”

“No, don’t Clarke me! I know, I've been away for years and I have no right to speak, but you, you were all here! You should have helped her, prevented her from ending up like this!". I'm yelling, now I don't even care about the fact that I'm in the corridor of a hospital. A sudden slap brings me back to reality. I swallow. My mother has never hit me in her entire life. I massage my sore cheek and peer at her upset.

“Never dare again, Clarke. You can't come back here after all this time and assume that none of us has tried to help her. Until Anya was eighteen, I remind you that I was the one raising Lexa!”. I bow my head, full of shame. But who do I think I am?

“I... I'm sorry.” I mutter. My mother lets out a sigh and hugs me, then snaps a kiss on my head. Unexpectedly, I don't pull, nor push her away,

“It's okay, Clarke. I'm here, for both of you. I know you wish you had done more, I read it in your eyes, but let me tell you something. I have no idea what you’ve been through, nor do I want to force you to you tell me, just know that there is only one important thing in life and it is the present. You haven't been here and now you can't go back, but you can still move on. You're here now, Clarke.”. I nod in silence, tears in my eyes. I wipe my face with my forearm and go back to Lexa's room. I look at her. She fell asleep, she must be exhausted. He face is swollen, yet she still has a unique beauty and grace.

“Anya texted me, Aden asked about me. I'd go home, if that's not a problem.” my mother announces.

“Go ahead, I think I'd stay here.” I claim.

“Are you sure? I can tell Marcus to pick you up in a while if you want.” she offers. I shake my head. I can't leave. She needs me and I can't back down, not today. I slowly caress her cheek. Yes, I can't run away. I have to stay. I have no other choice.
   
I'm sitting next to Lexa's bed, on a rather uncomfortable chair. I’ve just fell asleep, when a quite insistent whimper wakes me up. Lexa is shaking and crying in her sleep, she must have a nightmare.

“Lex.” I call her, shaking her softly. “Lex.” I insist, with no results.

“No, I need him.” she complains, in the throes of what really seems to be a terrible dream. “Don't take him away from me, please, no.”

“Lex, wake up.” I call her again, until she opens up her eyes.

“C-Clarke.” she mutters, only to burst into tears in the crook of my neck. I close her in a hug and gently caress her back, while she keeps sobbing desperately. I'm beginning to understand what my mother meant. Lexa is crushed by who knows what situation and pushing her too much could permanently disintegrate her. All of a sudden, all my problems seem so insignificant to me, utterly vanished. I haven’t even realized I'm crying too.

“I’m sorry.” Lexa starts and I hurry to reassure her. She doesn't have to feel guilty, not for that.

“Everything is all right, Lex. You don't have to apologize, you didn't do anything wrong. It's that... God, I wish I could do more. I wish I could have spared you all of this.”

“Clarke, don't...” she tries to respond, but I interrupt her right away.

“No Lex, I'm not just talking about today. I... If I hadn't disappeared four years ago, that would have never happened.” I claim, with conviction. Lexa stares at me, her eyes now puffy with tears and completely wide open for the surprise after my statement. I punch the mattress and stand up. I roam around the room, nervously running my hand through my hair over and over again. Lexa looks at me, insistent. I know what she would like to ask me, but she doesn't have the courage to do so. She is aware that I would not answer her, not even this time. I sigh and sit on her bed again. I see her flinch and crush herself against the pillow. I smile at her and stroke her cheek, gently. I take a deep breath and close my eyes for a few moments, then reopen them after a while. The intensity of her gaze takes my breath away, but I try not to show that.

“I have recently lost a person I cared about too.” I start and see her frown, confused. “I don't have many friends in Los Angeles, quite the contrary instead. You know, Hollywood is a terribly cruel environment. You believe that you have everything and everyone, that you are finally someone in the eyes of others and, instead, one day you wake up and realize that you are nothing more than a puppet in the hands of people who see you only as a source of money.” I explain. Lexa seems to get upset, as if she wanted to tell me something.

“Come on, tell me.” I encourage her.

“Well...” she clears his voice. “But you were already someone here, Clarke. You still are, in my eyes, in the eyes of your mother and in the eyes of the others.” he says, with a certain shyness, but mixed with a firm certainty. I swallow.

“It's not that I don't know it. Lex. It's that... Sometimes you need to be important even for people who haven't known you for so long. No, wait, it's not right. Truth is, I don't care too much about them, no. It's that through those people I hoped I could prove to myself that I was worth something."

“But why? Clarke, you don't need to...”

“I do, Lexa!” I insist, probably raising my voice too much. “Ten years ago my father was coming to pick me up when he died. I saw his car destroyed, his lifeless body.”

“Clarke...”

“No, Lex. If I hadn't argued with him that night ten years ago, if only I had stayed at home... And yet, I'm still here and he's gone. And it never made sense to me. My life didn't make sense anymore, Lex. And the more I went on, the less it did.”

“Is this the reason why you left?” she asks, in a faint voice. I nod.

“I couldn't stay here anymore. I needed to regain value in my eyes, Lex. I saw the first opportunity that happened to me and took advantage of it. And it went well for me, I never imagined I would be so successful."

“And what changed then?”. I wish I could confess it. No, I can't, not yet. And probably I will never be able to do it. I bow my head and bite my lip.

“The people. I... I saw the people around me. It was horrible. I think I've never felt so alone. And, even more so, I couldn’t go back, not in that state.” I answer, a little vaguely.

“Is that why you disappeared and didn't even come to my wedding?”. There is no anger in that question, just pure and genuine desire to know the truth.

“Kind of, yeah.” I state. Between the two of us there is a tense silence, not reassuring at all. We would both like to say much more, but neither of them has the courage to do so. I sigh and I am about to stand out of the bed and sit on the chair next to the door, but Lexa grabs me by the arm, forcing me to stay with her.

“Lex...” I mutter, confused.

“I... Clarke don't be mad at your mother, please.”. I frown, confused. “I've heard you argue before. She isn’t to blame, Clarke. I'm the one who didn't let them help me.

“But why?” I ask. "Because of shame? Lex, you have nothing to be ashamed or reproach yourself for, you know that.” She looks at me with disarming sweetness, leaving me stunned.

“I think you already know the answer.” she just says, cryptic. And, at this point, I understand what she means. Lexa is protecting her loved ones from the pain that surrounds her. Hers is neither shame nor an escape. No, on the contrary, it's love for the people she cares about, especially her cousin and Aden. I take her hand and caress her palm with my thumb.

“I know it’s the same for you too, Clarke. I figured it out the other day, when we went hiking. You and I are the same, aren't we?" I sigh. In some ways, she's right. I shake my head. No, even if we may seem the same, in essence we are at the antipodes. The reasons that drive us are also those that define us as people. And I'm a very bad person, I can't say anything else. I remain silent and caress her hair. Regrets assail me and drag me down, cruel. If only I hadn't disappeared, if only I had stayed with her... Still, I couldn't do anything else.

“When Costia died I decided to move here. Going back to Boston would have meant only loneliness and painful memories, nothing else.”

“Yes, you told me that.”. I raise my gaze. Her green eyes meet mines, telling me of a world full of pain and, at the same time, hope. That's the main difference between her and me. Despite everything, Lexa still has hope for a better future, if not for her, for Aden. I instead... I don't know that anymore.

“As you know, I ran out of money. Your mother and Anya wanted to help me, but I didn't feel like it. I didn't want to be a burden to her and my cousin anymore. It wasn't shame, but the need to get by on my own, for once.”. I caress her arm, without saying anything. I understand her position. Since she was a child she has known pain and grief and I sense that she must be tired of getting help. Still, I wish she had. I invite her to keep telling her story, with a nod.

“Roan has repeatedly told me that the door to his pub is open, but I didn’t... I needed to start from scratch and it's so complicated to do it in the town where you grew up. I asked the wrong people for help, Clarke.”. I clench my fists, just thinking about the fact that I need to know who reduced it to this state.

“You mentioned a certain McReary.”. He nods.

“Yes, he moved here a couple of years ago. He took over Wallace's old pub, the one at the beginning of the state road. She looked so nice, hired me without making too many questions and lent me money. I...”. She starts to tremble. I intertwin my fingers with hers and force her to look me in the eyes. Her green eyes are filled with tears and this sight breaks my heart.

“How much? How much money do you owe him?" I ask her. She tries to look away, but I don’t let her to do so. “How much?” I insist. I need her to tell me. I need her to open up with me.

“With interest, $75,000.”. I feel the anger rise in my chest. It's an insane amount of money. I hear her burst in a desperate cry, this time filled not only with sadness and fatigue, but also with shame. I hold her tightly to me and I rock her, trying to ignore the lump in my throat that is getting more and more tight. Over the past four years, I have repeated to myself that I made the right decision leaving her life. At the end of the day, I did it to protect her and allow her to be happy. And yet, for the first time in years, I begin to wonder if, perhaps, I wasn’t wrong. And, in the face of everything that is happening in these last few hours, I think back to my mother's words. Yes, I can't go back, it's not possible, but there is a certainty from which to start again. I am here now. And that's the only thing that matters.

----- CHAPTER BREAK -----

18.

And I'm hoping to resolve all the things I've done and mistakes I've made

I'm sorry for the things that we can not work out, oh I know I know

It won't be the same

(Ravenscode-Be The Same)

“Clarke.” Bellamy calls me. I don't even hear him, I am lost in a thousand thoughts. I spent the whole night at the hospital, sitting on a very uncomfortable chair watching over Lexa until she was discharged. Anya came to pick her up and took her to her place. She looked at me a little less harshly than usual and, for a few seconds, I had the feeling that she even wanted to talk to me. Not that I’m dying to do it. Anya and I were very close friends before I left Polis and I think she took my disappearance worse than Lexa. I don't blame her for that.

“Clarke.” I turn around. Bellamy looks at me with a worried gaze. Next to him, Jasper is fidgeting with drumsticks, a little uncomfortable.

“Uh? Yes, right, I’m going to focus.”

“Clarke, no.” Bellamy stops me. I glare at him confused, without understanding.

“I think it’s better you go home today, you're in no condition to work.”. I feel like I'm dying. Music has always been an escape rout for me and realizing that, on the other hand, it can no longer even help me let what goes through my head out is annihilating. I sigh.

“Bell, please, I need to sing.” I mutter. And it's true, I'm not lying. I really need it. The problem is that I can't sing these songs. I can't do it, not after I've fully realized the wight of my choices. I knew that my decision four years ago would have lead to serious consequences, but I never imagined coming back here and witnessing such a situation. I let out a sigh. Bellamy peers at me with a piercing look.

“Please.”

“Clarke, you're in no condition to do it. Why don't you have a walk? Just to you clear your mind.” Bellamy insists. I bow my head and rub my neck. Yes, maybe he's right.

“Okay.” I give in, finally. I take off my headphones and step away from the microphone. I reach out to Raven, who hands me my coat and purse and caresses my shoulder.

“I'll talk to you later then.” I say, with a low voice

“See you later, take all the time you need.” Jasper tells me goodbye. I nod and leave, going out of the studio. I breathe in and then out, deeply, trying to get as much fresh air as possible.

“Clarke, get in the car.” Raven urges me, opening the door. I obey, mechanically. I wear the seatbelt and sigh, leaning against the backrest. Raven caresses my leg, gently.

“Is everything okay?” she asks.

“Yes, I just want to go drink something.” I answer. My friend rolls her eyes and, without saying a word, starts the car.

“Rae, if you keep driving this way people will remember me as the singer who had almost finished her third album.”

“What a fuss, I'm not so fast.”. I don't reply, I'm sure it would be useless. I find myself praying I don't know which deity to arrive safe and sound wherever she is taking me, only to wish that she leaves once I understand where she has parked.

“No, I'm not getting out.” I complain.

“Clarke, you're not five years old. You need to know how she's doing.”

“Rae, Anya will kill me me if she sees me here.” I retort, in a firm tone.

“Deep down, Anya loves you. She's just very protective of Lexa. She told me what they went through during their childhood and I can't blame her. I would do the same, Clarke.”

“Did she tell you that she loves me?” I ask, uncertain about the answer that she is going to give me.

“No, but I understood it from how she talks about you. She doesn't hate you, she's just very angry and confused, she would like to understand what happened, why four years ago you disappeared into thin air. And, to be honest, I'm starting to wonder why too. I mean, I thought we would find who knows what situation here in Polis, but the truth is that you decided to cut out of your life people who cared about you. Your mother loves you with all her heart, not to mention Lexa, Jasper or Bellamy.”

“Rae, you just need to know that, sometimes, things that are beyond our control but that, at the same time, are our responsibility happen and it is impossible to pretend that they never occurred.”. Raven looks at me perplexed, confused by my words. I shake my head. No, she can't understand.

“Clarke, couldn't you just be a little less vague?” she asks me. I look up, until my blue eyes meet her dark ones. I see her flinching, as if frightened by what she can read in my irises.

"Forget it, if you ever want to open up I'm here. Maybe you're right, coming to Anya was a bad idea.”. She is about to restart the car, but I stop her, laying a hand on hers.

“Or maybe you're right. I want to try, I need it.” I claim, perhaps more to myself than to Raven. I get out of the car and head to the door, under my friend's stunned gaze. And, when I knock, I find myself thinking that maybe I just need to stop fearing the past, to begin, finally, living the present.
   
Anya welcomes me with an astonished look. She didn't expect a visit from me and I thank God that Raven is here with me.

“What are you doing here?” Lexa's cousin asks me, suspicious.

“I... Erm... I just want to know how she is doing.” I answer.

“She is doing okay, she's just been discharged and she's still a little sore. Is this enough for you as an answer?". Anya is still mad at me, it's obvious. If only she knew how guilty I am for what happened, maybe she would understand that she's not the only one who hates me. No one hates me more than myself, it's one of the few certainties I have.

“No.” I state, causing her to jolt.

“Excuse me?”

“I said no.” I say, firmly. “I have to see her, Anya. Listen to me, I know you're mad at me and I certainly can't blame you for that, but please, I'm here now and I need to know how she's doing. I’m begging you.”. Anya peers at me, probably to better understand my intentions. She turns to Raven, who nods at her. She sighs.

“Fine, I'll take you to her.” she gives in, finally. She allows me to enter and I follow her to the dining room. Anya lives in a small but cozy house. She's doing much better than her cousin, although I'm sure she isn’t rolling in dough either.

“Clarke, before you see her, I have to understand something.” she suddenly says, turning to me and looking at me in the eyes. I bite my lip, a little scared of what's about to happen.

“An...”

“No Clarke. Lexa told me about what you told each other at the hospital, obviously without going into detail. I just want to know if this desire of yours to plunge back into her life is a conscious choice or if, for the umpteenth time, you will hurt her to death.”. I am perplexed.

“An, I just want to know how she is. I care about her, she is...”

“That’s exactly the problem, Clarke. You cared about her four years ago too, and yet you destroyed her.”

“I did it for her, An!” I reply, maybe letting myself slip too much. Anya looks at me in shock and I just wish I could confess the truth right now. But I can't, not yet. I simply can't do it.

“What do you mean?” she asks me, shocked.

“An...” I mutter. “I can't explain it to you, not now, probably never. I just want you to know that I never stopped caring about each of you, not even for a second. Sometimes you just have to make difficult choices and I had no alternative. I love her and I just want to know how she is doing. Please let me see her.”. Anya gazes at me hesitantly. She raises her arm, as if she wants to hit me. However, she doesn't. She lowers her hand and lays it on my shoulder. I jolt.

“Go to her.” she whispers. “But if you break her heart again, I won't hesitate to make you pay.”
   
“Clarke!” Lexa exclaims, surprised to see me.

“Lex, how are you?” I ask her, without dancing around too much. I've never been so much worried about someone in my life. I stepped forward to her, a little uncertain. She is lying on Anya's bed, still quite battered and bruised. I sigh and sit next to her. Utterly unexpectedly, Lexa rests her head on my shoulder. I gasp, but I try not to show it. I gently caress her hair and, without thinking about it, snap a kiss on her forehead. A quiet silence falls between the two of us, free of any embarrassment and tension. Finally, I dare say. It seems to me that I am back to many years ago, when Lexa and I lived under the same roof. Usually, the situation was the other way around. I rarely had to console her from anything or someone. It happened more often than I was the one in need of crying on her shoulder. Perhaps the truth is that I am just a spoiled egoist who has had too much in her life and who, once in the open sea, has not been able to stay afloat. No, it didn't even go this way, I know that. I shake my head. I just wish these feelings of guilt would let me go, once and for all. And yet it doesn't happen. They keep me anchored to an abyss made of pain, deadly and without any chance of light. Aren't you tired Clarke? Aren't you tired of living like this?

“In two weeks you'll be done working on the album, right?” Lexa suddenly asks me.

“Yes.” I answer, guessing what she wants to say. She turns to me. Her green eyes peer at me and too late do I realize that I'm holding my breath. I swallow, trying to pull myself together.

“You're going to leave again, aren't you?” she then asks, point blank. I sigh, biting my lip with my teeth. I wish I could say no, but the reality is another, unfortunately.

“Lex, I don't want to lie to you. I'll have to go back to Los Angeles sooner or later, it's inevitable. My life and my job are there.” I answer. She nods, silently.

“Wouldn't you like them to be here?” she insists, without looking me in the face. I run a hand through my hair. I shake my head. Right now, I could get up and leave. Maybe I should. Still, I don't. I cup her face with my hands and force her to look at me in the eyes, struggling not to get lost in those incredible emerald irises that not even the wounds and bruises have been able to affect.

“Lex... This time I won't disappear. It's a promise, maybe a little reckless from me, but still a promise.” I claim.

“How do I know this time it's going to be different, Clarke?”. Touché.

“I think the only thing you can do is trusting me, Lex. And I know I'm asking you more than I deserve, but I can't do anything else.”. Tears begin to flood her cheeks, unstoppable. She snuggles up to my chest and I hold her to me, completely careless that she's soaking my shirt. I find myself thinking about how much these two weeks have changed me. Or, perhaps, the truth is that I've always been like that. I can't help but care about Lexa and my friends. I can't help but want their good. And that's why I should stay away from them before it's too late. Although I have the bad feeling that it already is. I turn my gaze to Lexa, for the umpteenth time. My mind orders me to get up and leave her there, on that bed, all alone. It pushes me to be hated by her, it forces me to move away from her. At the end of the day, hating myself is the only weapon I have able to protect her. Still, my heart invites me to look for an alternative to all of this. And, for the first time in four years, I realize that I need to believe that it exists.

----- CHAPTER BREAK -----

19.

But don't you understand
I already have a plan
I'm waiting for my real life to begin
(Colin Hay-Waiting For My Real Life To Begin)

I'm sleeping tight when a sudden thud on my bed wakes me up, causing me to jerk. I snap my eyes open and I almost have a heart attack, but when I find Aden in front of me I look at him, confused.

“Good morning to you too.” I greet him, groggy because of sleep. I lean over to the bedside table and check the time. “God, it's only half past six and you don't even go to school today. What are you doing up at this hour?" I ask him. In response, he snuggles up to my chest, his gaze smart and almost excited. I gasp at that unexpected contact.

“Mom is coming pick me up today!” he exclaims, happy. I smile at him and gently caress his hair.

“Well, so how about we sleep a b-...”

“No, I want to wait for her!” he replies. I sigh. I don't have much choice. I get up yawning and walk Aden to the kitchen. I heat him some milk and hand him some cookies. Without thinking about it, I put my hand into the package and I grab one, then start eating it. Aden stares at me, stunned.

“What's up?” I ask. He doesn't answer me and points his finger at me. Only then do I realize what I am doing.

“Oh, I, erm... Stress eating.” I minimize, finishing eating the cookie at the speed of light. Aden shrugs, not so convinced. I run a hand through his hair and mess it up, amused. I sit in front of him and keep him company while he has breakfast. I look at him and wonder what his story is. He is so young, yet he has already lost so much, his biological parents first and Costia later. I shudder at the thought.

“Do you think mom is happy to see me?” he suddenly asks me.

“Why shouldn't she?”. Aden crouches on the chair, bringing his knees to his chest. I get up and reach him. I hold him between my arms and let him sit on my lap, forcing him to look at me in the eyes. I smile at him, softly.

“Aden, there is no person in the world that your mom loves more than you. She just has so many thoughts on her mind right now and...”

“It was them, weren't they? The bad men?". I freeze. What has Aden been forced to witness to lately? He is a child, not a fool.

“Aden...” I try to console him, holding him to me. The truth is, I don't know what to say. I have no idea what he had to see, what he suffered.

“Your mom will be fine, I promise. I will do everything so that no one dares to treat her in such a bad way anymore.”. Aden snuggles up to my chest and I snap a kiss on his forehead.

“I love you, even if you're going to be sloucher.”. I let out a smile. I shake my head. This child is incredible.

“What are you two doing already up?. I turn around. My mom peers at me, probably surprised by finding me in these conditions, in such a domestic behavior. Behind her, Raven is rubbing her eyes, sleepy.

“Someone was excited for today.” I explain, glancing at Aden. My mom sighs and pours herself some coffee, then offers Raven a cup. I put the child down of my knees and I drink some water.

“Clarke ate a cookie before.” Aden announces, thrilled.

“You what?”

“Rae, it was just a cookie.” I minimize. My best friend looks at me in shock, as she takes a sip of hot coffee. I roll my eyes and take Aden by the hand, to help him get dressed.

“Is Marcus still asleep?” I ask, trying to shift the topic and understand if I risk disturbing him.

“No, he got up very early this morning. He and Callie have to check on something, at least this is what he told me. It should be about a new path, I haven’t really understood.”. I nod, a little perplexed. Callie Cartwig, Marcus and my father were an inseparable trio, at work and in life. Sundays weren’t Sundays if they didn't go hiking or didn't have a nice barbecue all together. My mother's best friend since high school and my godmother, Callie is one of the reasons I didn't completely let myself go after my father's death. Since I came back, I've only caught a glimpse of her a couple of nights, but nothing more. I know she's waiting for me to take the first step, I'm very aware of that. It's just that I don't know if I have the courage do it. I swallow. How do we stop running away from people who love us, if that's the only way we have to keep them safe from ourselves?

“Aden, let's go.” I urge the child, who doesn't make me repeat it twice. “Easy, I don't want to see you fall down the stairs. I'll join you right away, in the meantime, prepare your clothes.”

“It's nice to see you like this.” Raven claims, laying a hand on my shoulder. I turn to her and smile at her. I'm about to say something, but in the end I go upstairs and quickly head to my mother's room, where an impatient Aden is waiting for me with his clothes in his hands. I bend over and help him get dressed. A peaceful silence surrounds us and, for a few moments, I wonder if a life so full of simplicity and daily routine is perhaps not more desirable than mine. The doorbell suddenly ringing brings me back to reality. No, this will never be my life.

“Mom!” Aden exclaims, rushing downstairs. I watch him abandon himself into Lexa's arms and find myself smiling, without even noticing. She raises her gaze and my heart skips a beat when her green irises collide with my blue eyes. I lose myself in those all so intense emeralds. I look away with a huge effort, needing to put an end to that contact. I go downstairs and, after quickly saying goodbye to Lexa, I rush to the kitchen. I pour myself a glass of water and drink it all in one breath.

“Hey, are you okay?” I turn around. Those green irises, again. What the hell Clarke, pull yourself together for heaven's sake.

“Yes, I'm fine.” I lie. Or maybe not. I actually don't have the slightest idea.

“What about you? I see you’re feeling better.”

“Yes, more or less. I'm standing on my feet, at least.” she responds. An almost unreal, tense silence falls between the two of us. I'm the first to break it.

“You're going back there, aren't you?” I ask.

“Clarke, I can't do otherwise.”

“This isn’t true, Lex. Roan would welcome you with open arms and you know that.” I retort.

“I have to think about Aden.”

“Exactly!” I reply. “He already lost two mothers, do you want him to grow up alone, once more?”. Lexa raises her hand as she wants to hit me, but collapses into my arms, bursting into a desperate cry. I sense my heart clench seeing her in this state. I hold her to me and cradle her as gently as possible, trying to avoid hurting her.

“I... I have to go.” she mutters. I pull away and look at her in the eyes. I try to ignore my heart hammering in my chest, incessantly. She doesn't need my insecurities right now. The only thing she needs is someone by her side. I don't know if I'm really able to do it, but I want to try. I have to.

“Clarke, please... Tonight I...”

“No Lex, you deserve more than this.” I interrupt her. Her eyes are puffy and she is on the verge of tears again. I cup her face with my hands and snap a kiss on her forehead, to calm her down.

“I'm here.” I whisper to her. “I'm not leaving.”

“You will, instead.” she states, harsh. I shake my head.

“Maybe I'm thinking about staying a little longer.” I say. She opens her eyes wide, surprised by my words.

“Clarke...”

“Lexa, I...”. I don't even know what I want to tell her. Still, I need to do that. I open my mouth to talk, but the annoying sound of my cell phone ringtone forces me to stop. I pull it out of my pocket, with the intent of turning it off. When I read the name on the display, however, I jolt. Finn, what a great timing.

“He's your boyfriend, right?”

“Yeah.” I confirm, rubbing my nape. I stare at the phone, in disbelief. I don't know what I have to do, I'd just like to hang up right now.

“Don't you answer?” Lexa asks me, taking me back to reality.

“Oh, I... Erm, yes.” I stutter. Although reluctantly, I drag my thumb over the screen and bring my cell phone to my ear, stepping away a little.

“Finn, what a surprise.” I start. “I thought all those models had stolen your phone.”

“Clarke, let me explain.” he pleads. “I know, I acted very badly, but I want to make up for it.”. I shake my head.

“I don't know if it’s possible, Finn.” I try to cut it short. I just want to go back to Lexa.

“Since when have you been like this? It's not the first time we've behaved like this, we've never had a truly exclusive relationship, you first.”. I clench my fists. I can't believe what I’ve just heard.

“Maybe I'm starting to want more, Finn.” I state. I turn to Lexa and see her heading towards the door. I gesture her to stay here, but she waves me goodbye and joins Aden, then says goodbye to my mother and Raven and leaves the house. I resist the urgent desire to throw my phone against the wall and I try to focus on what Finn is telling me

“Clarke, are you okay?”

“Yes Finn, why?” I ask, still looking at the door, as if Lexa could reappear at any moment.

“Well, you're acting strangely.” I roll my eyes. God, Murphy was right, he's such an idiot.

“Finn, I think we should take a break.” I claim, finally.

“A break? Clarke, did they brainwash you?”

“Finn...”

“It was Murphy, wasn't it? That guy hates me and couldn't wait to get rid of me.”

“Finn, Murphy has nothing to do with it. I'm the problem, I need a break, some space.” I try to explain to him.

“Sweetie, I'm on the other side of the world,  I can’t give you more space than this.” he replies. I would have laughed at such words, thinking of a joke. The problem is that I know he is serious as hell.

“Finn, have you ever thought that, maybe, we deserve a different life?” I ask him, hoping that he understands what I'm trying to tell him.

“A different life? And why?” Indeed. “Clarke, is there someone else?”

“No Finn!”. But is it then true? And if, by any chance... No, but it's not possible.

“So what's going on? Do you want to break up with me?". Finn is incredulous. I sigh. I'm hurting him, I know. And yet, for the first time in my life I just want to stop hurting myself.

“Finn...” I mumble.

"I don't understand, two weeks ago everything was going perfectly. Who manipulated you? Raven?”

“No one manipulated me!” I interrupt him. “Simply, I'm realizing that I have other priorities at the moment. I'm sorry.”

“You're making a mistake and you know it.” he blurts out. I have tears in my eyes, but I try to ignore them. I'm breaking his heart, I know that.

“Maybe, but I need time to figure that out.” I tell him, finally. On the other side of the phone, a deafening silence. “Finn say something, please.”

“And what do you want me to tell you? Have a nice day, Clarke. If you need, you know where to find me.”. He hangs up in my face and I let myself slide into a chair. I feel completely empty.

“Clarke! What happened?” Raven rescued me. Her hazel eyes peer at me, worried and confused at the same time.

“What did he tell you?” she asks me, realizing that the reason behind my sudden change of mood must be Finn.

“Actually, nothing. I...”. I close my eyes for a few moments, savoring the salty taste of the tears that invade my mouth. “I broke up with him.” I confess, finally. I am shuddering.
I feel my legs shaking, and if I weren’t sitting, I'm sure I'd be on the floor. For better or for worse, in this last year Finn has been by my side, he has helped me live with my pain. I shake my head. No, that's not true. Finn just helped me annihilate myself and bury all my pain and mistakes. And I need to dig them up and face them.

“How are you feeling?” Raven asks, worried. I turn to the door from which, a while back, Lexa and Aden left. I take a deep breath.

“Fine.” I answer. “I'm fine now.”.

----- CHAPTER BREAK -----

20.

I'm coming for you
I'm coming for you and your simple existence

(State Champs-Simple Existence)

“A beauty contest for chickens and cows? Are you serious, Clarke?". I burst out laughing, as I look at a shocked and decidedly out of place Raven. She is funny, but I understand her a little. Although her family is of Texas descent, she was born and raised in Los Angeles and has never seen anything like it.

“It's not a beauty contest, Rae. It's a competition between breeders.” I try to explain her. I had completely forgotten about the Final Day of Spring, I didn’t realize that I arrived in Polis just at the end of May. The truth is that until a few weeks ago the days were all the same. I had completely lost track of time, I have to admit it

“Can I ask you why you celebrate the end of spring a month before the beginning of summer?” Raven suddenly asks me, confused.

“That's a very good question.” I reflect, as I continue to walk around the various stalls.

“Corn dogs, please I want one!” My friend exclaims enthusiastically, pointing to a stall that sells food. I roll my eyes and go there with her. I sit at a table and wait for her, while she stands in line. I look around. Everywhere is full of happy families and children eating cotton candy or chips or playing football. I dwell on a group of guys sitting on the lawn, not far from me. One of them has a guitar in his hands and, next to him, an eighteen-year-old girl is singing a song I've never heard, maybe a creation of theirs. I recognize her, she is Gaia, Indra's daughter. I get up and approach them, trying not to make any noise. I lean against a tree and listen to them. They are good, even if a little green. I sigh. I miss being able to experience music in simplicity. I wonder if maybe it's better for me to give it up. I bite my lip. No, I would never do that. The relationship with music, even if not good in this moment, is the only thing that allows me to move forward, despite all the mistakes I have made in recent years.

“Hey, but you're Clarke Griffin!” I look up. Gaia and her friends are staring at me, a mixture of emotion and disbelief in the eyes.

“Oh, I erm...” I stutter, embarrassed. I shake my head. They're just kids Clarke, there's nothing to be afraid of.

“Please don't tell anyone.” I mutter. I know I'm not in Los Angeles here, but the fear of finding myself overwhelmed by a herd of crazy paparazzi is too strong.

“My mother told me a lot about you. She was your couch, wasn’t her?" Gaia asks me. I nod, a little caught off guard.

“I hope she didn’t say bad things about me.” I say.

“On the contrary, she always remembers you with a lot of affection.” she responds. I have a lump in my throat that I try to ignore, not to burst into tears.

“Clarke, here you are!” I turn around. Raven joins us, a huge corn dog in her hand.

“How much do we have to give the kids for their silence?” she questions, worried. I glance at Gaia and smile.

“Nothing, ma'am. We know how to keep a secret.” the guitarist, a nice kid and extremely red hair, claims.

“This is great…”

“Trent. Trent Highmore.”. An embarrassed silence falls, interrupted only by the nervous drumming of the little boy on the guitar.

“Well Clarke, we can go.” Raven urges me, awkward. She is visibly uncomfortable.

“See you around, guys.” I say goodbye, and then follow my friend. Suddenly, I stop. I clench my fists, undecided on what to do.

“What's going on?” Raven asks me, worried. I ignore her and turn around. Gaia and Trent look at me, curious. I stand still, with my mouth wide open for I don't know how much.

“You are talented. If you want, go to Bellamy's studio from time to time.”
   
“Any news from Finn?” Raven asks me. I shake my head. I don't feel like talking about it, it's still an open wound. It's true, I was the one who broke up with him, but that doesn't mean I don’t feel bad about it. Not so much for Finn himself, I always knew he wasn't the right person for me, it's just so destabilizing to accept that what we were was wrong.

“Rae, can we change the topic and just enjoy the day?”. My friend nods and puts her hand on my shoulder. I am about to say something, when I find myself on the ground. I look up. In front of me, Lexa reaches out to me, her eyes greener than ever. Our eyes cross and my breath is cut off.

“Clarke, if you don't push yourself with your feet I'll never be able to help you stand up.” she tells me, taking me back to reality.

“Uh... Y-yes.” I stutter. I get back on my feet and fix my jeans and shirt, trying to pull myself together.

“Are you all right?” Lexa asks me, worried.

“Yes, I’m great. You? I see that the shiner and lip are starting to heal.” Lexa nods, melancholic. Her face is in much better condition, but I suspect that whoever is treating her this way is not going to stop.

“I feel better, yes.” she replies, finally. “I'm here with Aden and Anya.” Suddenly, two arms surround my hips. I look down and smile when I find Lexa's son clinging at me.

“I told you not to run.” Anya scolds him. “Oh, hi Griffin. Raven.” she says hello to us.

“Woods.” I reply, fearful. Anya continues to instill an atavistic terror in me and I behave like a prey in hostile territory, avoiding abrupt movements and too many words.

“Clarke, shall we go there?” he asks me, pointing to the shooting stall. “I want a plush toy, but mom can’t do it.”

“Aden!”

“No Lex, that's fine. I was a phenomenon years ago, you know that.” I state, as I arm my rifle. Aden looks at me, hopeful.

“Clarke, are you sure?” Raven worries.

“Very sure.” I answer, as I take aim.

“That's five shots, if you hit the mark with everyone, you win giant octopus.” the owner of the stall explains. I focus and fix the target. Behind me, Lexa covers Aden's ears, to protect him from the sound of gunfire. I shoot. One. Two. Three. Four. One left.

“If you hit the mark with this, you will win.” the stall owner observes. I stretch my fingers and take a deep breath. Aden wants that octopus and will have it. I embrace the rifle again. I sware an eye, to better take aim. The dull sound of the shot is music to my eardrums.

“Hit!” the owner of the stall exclaims. Aden cheers and hugs Lexa, who mouths a thank you with her lips and I can't help but give her the most sincere smile. I watch her put a strand of hair behind her ears. The bruise that surrounds her eye is still very evident and just seeing it causes my heart to clench. She doesn't deserve all this pain, nor has she ever deserved it.

“Mom, I'm hungry!” Aden exclaims and his high-pitched voice immediately brings me back to reality.

“Now we’ll go having lunch, honey.” Lexa reassures him.

“Is Clarke coming too?” The child asks. I widen my eyes, in disbelief. I'm not sure I heard right. Lexa raises her head and looks at me, causing her green eyes to collide with mine.

“Clarke, are you coming with us?”. I look around, a little uncomfortable.

“Oh, I-I... I was with Raven and...”. Only now do I realize that my best friend has vanished into thin air.

“Where...?”

“She is with Anya.”

“Oh.” I mumble. Lexa bursts out laughing, amused.

“So, are you coming with us?” she offers again.

“Only because Aden asked me.”
   
“Aden, eat slowly.” Lexa recommends. The baby snorts and sinks his face into the hot dog we bought him.

“Aden!” We both scold him. He looks at us, perhaps surprised at my reaction. He probably expected to have me on his side. Lexa also seems amazed. And, if I have to be honest, I am too. Lexa shakes her head and takes a napkin, then cleans her son's mouth. I am fascinated by the way he cares about him. It's his son, it's natural, but it's such an unknown way of doing things to me. Not because I never received the same care, quite the contrary. The problem is that I've never had it, not in the last six years at least. And, perhaps, the time has come to take some responsibility. I'm no longer a child, after all.

“How's is the album recordings going?” Lexa suddenly asks me, perhaps more to start a conversation than out of real interest. After all, she knows very well that I haven't worked very well since I found her at her house in those conditions. And how could I ever have?

"A little slow. Well, I had something else to think about.”. I see her getting upset and I immediately realize what I said.

“I'm not talking about... I mean, I...” I rumble. “I'm finding it more inspiring to work on the EP than on the album. That's why I'm going slow.” I explain, finally. Lexa doesn't seem entirely convinced, but she doesn't ask any more questions. A silence full of embarrassment falls between us, at least concerning myself. The truth is that she is included in

the something else to think about

and not only because I'm worried that they might beat her up again. There is something about Lexa, something that forces me to look at her, to consider her differently. Or, maybe, that something is in me.

“Mom, I've finished it.”. We both turn to Aden. We smile. The child proudly shows the empty plate. His face is all dirty with ketchup and he is extremely funny. Lexa is preparing to clean it, even with the help of a bottle of water. I look at the scene and feel a chasm in my chest. It's all so domestic, so intimate. I remember when I was in Aden's place, with my mother cleaning me up and my father laughing like crazy. I miss those moments. I miss that sense of freedom from when I was a child. And, most of all, I miss my father.

“Hey! Griffin! Woods!”. We turn around. Behind us there are the sports fields and it is exactly from there that Indra is calling us loudly.

“Coach, I can't.” Lexa replies, pointing to Aden.

“Oh Wood, this is nonsense. Come on, let’s go.”

“Coach, I don't think I'm dressed in the correct w-...” I try to say, but Indra interrupts me.

“We've already talked about this. Blake is already here, hurry up!”
   
Me, Octavia and Lexa vs Ontari, Monroe and Luna, it feels like I'm back to the old days.

“Hello there! Are you back among us mere mortals?” the latter greets me.

“Yes Griffin, are we worthy to be in your presence?” Ontari mocks me.

“Give us a break, White.” Octavia defends me.

“Well, you know the rules. You will play on this side of the court for a time of ten minutes, whoever scores first 21 points wins. Are you ready?”. We nod and the referee proceeds with the draw. Ball to our opponents, of course. I turn to Indra. I don't understand why she's forcing me to play.

“Coach, are you sure? I haven't played in years.”

“It has nothing to do with it, Griffin. It doesn't matter how many years you haven't played, but how you want to play now.” I think I'm starting to understand the point. I run to Ontari and steal her ball. One-two with Octavia and first point.

“That's how you do it! Come on girls, let’s go!" Indra urges us.

“Now I’m going to show you how you do it instead” Luna hisses. She regains the ball and scores.

“Great job darling! Teach that spoiled little girl to play basketball!” their coach incites them. Atom and I have never been great friends. He played for the men's team and Indra always considered him lazy and unfair when helping coach Mike coach the boys.

“You'd like that.” I reply. I pass the ball to Lexa, who gives it back to me. I throw it at Octavia. She avoids Luna and then Ontari. The ball is in my hands again. I shoot. 2-1.

“To whom do you want to teach how to play?” I provoke Atom.

“Griffin, we've been training for a year for this day and the three of you won't be spoiling our party just because our beloved coach decided to sign up at the last moment.”. I glance confused at Indra, who simply gestures me to keep playing. I let out a sigh. I don't have much choice. Also because our opponents have just overtaken us, we are now 6-5. I have the ball in my hands again. I advance slowly, and then pass at Lexa, bouncing the ball. Throw, basket. 6-6. It's going to be a long game.

“Go mom!” Aden, who is sitting between Raven and Anya, exclaims. Lexa smiles at him sweetly. However, the game is still long and our opponents are fierce. One basket follows the other, with no holds barred. I try to mark tight Ontari. She gets free, but she nudges me.

“Hey! This is unfair! Referee, it's a foul!" I hear Raven screaming from the sideline.

“I just grazed her!” Ontari retorts.

“Grazed her? She is bleeding!” Lexa replies, getting in the way between her and me. The referee must be frightened by her gaze, because he doesn't even try to get close to quell the spirits.

“Do you want another shiner, Woods?” l Ontari threatens her and Lexa steps towards her, shoving her.

“A good fight, like the old days! I like it!” Octavia exclaims, excited. At those words, Lexa sighs.

“No, no fights. Come on, let's play.” she says then. She helps me stand up and I smile at her.

“Are you okay?” she asks me.

“Yes, it was just a bump.” I answer, as I get lost in her green eyes. Damn Clarke, not now.

“Two free throws for the team of coach Oak-McFarrel.” the referee orders. I place myself on the key, the ball in my hand. I shoot. Basket.

“Great job, Clarke!” Monty incites me. 19-20. I definitely need to score the next one. I take a deep breath. I stare at the basket. I'm all sweaty and I will have to throw away my shirt, but I don't care. The only thing that matters is that damn metal ring. I shoot. The ball slams violently on one side of the iron, then on the other. Time stops, the only thing that moves is that damn ball. I am holding my breath. One more blow on the iron. Then, I don't know thanks to what miracle, it decides to slip into the net. 20-20 with ten seconds to go and Indra calls the time out.

“We have possession. I don't want to see that big idiot that Atom is winning, so try to do the best you can, okay? I mean the real best, put all of yourselves into it.”. I am still not fully sure of what's going on, why I let myself be dragged into all of this, but it doesn't matter. Octavia passes me the ball. One rebound, two rebounds. I try to get past Monroe, but I can't make it. Very little time left. Lexa is free on the right. I pass her the ball. Lexa takes the aim. She shoots. The ball is in the net. 21-20. I exult, and Lexa hugs me. We find ourselves on the ground, close, maybe too close.

“Oh, I... Sorry.” she muttered, in shame. I don't reply and I smile at her.

“Can I join?” Octavia asks, literally throwing herself on me.

“O, what are you doing?” I complain, in laughter. Still on the ground, I turn to look at Indra. The woman smiles at me. She seems... Proud of me? And, maybe, I'm a little bit too.

----- CHAPTER BREAK -----

21.

There's no one I can run to

And nothing I could ever do

I'm nowhere if I'm here

Without you

(Ashes Remain-Without You)

“Bad night?” Roan asks me. I'm at Azgeda with Raven, Anya, Jasper, Monty and Bellamy. Lexa is not here, she is at work. I shake my head. I don't even want to think about what she's going to be suffering right now.

“Yeah. Sorry, it's that...”

“It's because of her, isn't it?” I open my mouth wide, shocked.

“And how you... I mean...”. Roan bursts out laughing, amused by my reaction.

"Clarke, don't take it wrong, but it's clear that in that little head of yours there's no room for anyone but Lexa. And, to be honest, I feel you. I'm very worried too, we all are.”. I take a sip of the whiskey I ordered and put the glass on the counter. Strangely, it's still half full.

“I heard that you had proposed to her to work here.” I say. Roan sighs, melancholic.

“Yes, I thought it was the only thing to do. I hoped until the last that she would have accepted, I never liked McReary. He came here two years ago and has been acting like he can always have everything he wants. He even tried to buy my pub, but I refused. He launders money for sure, you bet.”

“What about the local authorities? Who is the sheriff now?” I ask.

“Pike, he took over after Old Mac retired. He's an arrogant and an idiot and McReary holds him in his hand.”. I listen, in disbelief. “So many things have changed since you left this city, Griffin.”. I let out a snort and finish my glass of whiskey. I bite my lip, trying to push my tears back.

“Don't blame yourself, you couldn't have done anything about it.”

“That's not true.” I reply. “I could have stayed and helped her, I would have...”

“Griffin, stop it.” Roan interrupts me. “Whatever happened, it happened. I don't know what drove you to leave, but for sure something big must have happened. Don't live in regret, it doesn't make sense. You are here now and you can be there for her now.”. I sigh. That's exactly what my mother told me. I turn around. Behind me, my friends laugh, chatting with each other. Raven and Anya are in a corner, not really involved in what seems like a rather funny conversation. I smile. I'm happy for Raven, she deserves a person like Anya by her side. I turn to the counter again, pensive. I toy with the now empty glass, careful not to drop it on the ground. Yeah, a person by our side is perhaps what we all deserve. Lexa too. Especially Lexa. I sigh. I know what I want, but it's so hard to admit it.

“Thank you Roan.” I say, giving him some money. He looks at me a little confused, but then nods at me. I smile at him one last time, then join Bellamy, Jasper and Monty.

“Hey, you three!” I call them.

“Clarke, we are finally worth your presence.” Monty mocks of me.

“Always nice as usual.” I reply. “I need a favor.”

“What are you talking about?” Bellamy asks me, surprised. I wave a hand through my face, a little undecided about to do. No, no step back. I look at them, determined.

“I need you to drive me somewhere.”.
   
“Clarke, we would never have given you a ride if we had figured out where you wanted to go.”

“Jasper, I need to see her. I need to know that she's fine.”

“You need not to get involved, Clarke.” Bellamy retorts.

“And what should I do?” I answer, annoyed. “Turn my back on her again? I won't make the same mistake as four years ago, not again.”. Jasper sighs, while Bellamy and Monty glanced at each other, perplexed.

“What do you mean?” the first asks me, confused. I run a hand through my hair. I bite my lip, scared of what's going on. My friends are staring at me, waiting for an answer that I don't know how to give them.

“I... I don't...” I start, looking at Jasper for some form of help that, however, doesn't come. I'm in a bind and I don't really know how to behave. Spill the beans? Am I really ready to do it? No, I can't do it. I can't, I don't have the strength to face the mistakes made. I'm scared of them, I'm terrified of them.

“Clarke...” Monty calls me back. I shake my head and take a deep breath.

“Four years ago some... Some things happened.”

“What things, exactly?” Bellamy urges me to speak. Jasper squeezed my hand and smiles at me.

“Everything will be fine, I promise.” he whispers to me. I sigh. No, I can't do it.

“I don't... I can't tell you.” I mutter. I can read the disappointment on Bellamy and Monty’s faces and I can't blame them for it.

“It's about Lexa.” I claim. “I did something and... I didn't leave because I stopped caring about you and her. On the contrary, I decided to burn bridges to protect you, all of you.”

“Protecting us? And from what?" Monty asks me. I sigh.

“From me.” I answer. “Especially her. And instead it's my fault if now...”. Bellamy doesn’t let me finish and holds me to himself.

“What Lexa is going through is not your responsibility. She made her choices Clarke.”

“But I should have been here to help her!” I retort. “And I need to do that now.” I then state, getting out of the car.

“Clarke!” Monty calls me back, in vain. I'm heading to the entrance of McReary’s pub. From the outside it looks like one of those shabby night dumps frequented by decidedly bad people and, when I enter, I find confirmation of my suspicions. I look around, desperately looking for Lexa. I am surrounded by a bunch of soulless people, all looking for only one thing: being high. They are not much different from what I was until a few weeks ago.

“Clarke, get out.” Bellamy begs me, taking me by the wrist. I wriggle myself free, furious. He doesn't understand, as always. He can't.

“Bell, let me do it!” I snap. He takes a step back, defeated. He doesn't stop me, he just sighs. I keep looking around, praying to find her as soon as possible. The music is deafening and I am approached several times by very unsavory men. And finally, after roaming around the venue several times, I see her. She is about to serve two clients and one of them is visibly harassing her. I clench my fists and don't think twice about it. Monty, Bellamy and Jasper's attempts to call me are worth nothing. I get on that creep and push him away, getting in the way between him and Lexa.

“Leave her alone!” I shout, while I punch him straight on his nose. I see him collapsing to the ground like a pin, he's probably rotten drunk.

“Clarke?” Lexa exclaims, surprised to see me there.

“You will pay for it, bitch.” the man on the ground mumbles in the meanwhile.

“Yeah, sure. You better stay on the ground and crawl like the worm you are, you bastard!" I reply, kicking him on his private parts.

“Clarke, what are you doing here?” Lexa asks me, pulling me back.

“I’m taking you away from here. Come with me.” I answer, taking her by the hand. She gets rid of my grip and stops. I look at her, worried.

“No Clarke, I can't.”

“Lexa, ple-...”

“Well, well, what do we have here? Woods, what's going on?”. I turn around. A tall man, with a fierce look and slimy air approaches us, threatening.

“It's nothing, she is... She was leaving.” Lexa hurries to say. She has a terrified look, I've never seen her like that.

“Oh, I know who you are Miss Griffin. It's an honor to have you in my pub. Anything I can do for you?" he asks me, a horrible grin painted on his face.

“Yes Mr. McReary, you can let Lexa leave with me.”

“Clarke...” she timidly protests, but I gesture her to remain silent.

“I'm afraid that's not possible.” McReary responds. “Why don’t you sit at a table and relax? I can bring you something to drink. It would be on the house.”

“I wouldn't even accept a glass of water from you, Mr. McReary.” I retort, harsh. The man bursts out laughing in my face, almost amused by my boldness.

“You know, maybe you should do as your friends and leave.” he says.

“No way, not without Lexa.”

“Clarke, please.” she pleads with me, but I don't listen to her. I need to get her out of here.

“You don't give up, do you Miss Griffin? If you don’t leave, I'll be forced to call the police. But you’re used to, aren’t you?”. I clench my fists, trying to keep myself from punching him. I have to think about Lexa now, not my hurt pride.

“I have the money.”. McReary widens his eyes, while Monty tries to drag me to the exit.

“We're leaving, don't worry.”

“Leave me, Monty!” I wriggle myself free. “I have the money.” I repeat. I stick my hands in my pocket and pull a checkbook out of it. Lexa looks at me stunned, while McReary doesn't hesitate to hand me a pen. I fill out a check, sign it and give it to him. McReary grins, pleased.

“Clarke...” Lexa protests, but I keep ignoring her. I feel her, I'm treating her as a bargaining of change, but it's the only way I have to save her and take her away from there.

“Thank you very much, Miss Griffin.” McReary says. “See you soon, Woods.”. I see Lexa swallowing, while she takes off her apron and hands it over to another waiter. I grab her by the wrist and, without wasting time, drag her to the exit. I try to walk her to the car, but she wriggles free and pushes me away. She's pissed, I read it in her eyes. Bellamy, Jasper and Monty are about to get closer to us, but I beckon them to stand still.

“In our defense, it was her idea.”

“Thank you, Jas.”

“You are... I don't even know what to say!” Lexa retorts, angry. “I lost my job because of the four of you!”

“You lost the chance to end up in the ER again, Lex.” I reply. The slap quite hurts me, I must admit it. I rub my cheek, as I watch Lexa burst into a desperate cry. Bellamy joins us, but she rejects him.

“Lex...” I mutter, welcoming her into my arms. Oddly enough, she doesn't send me away. In fact, she hides her face into the crook of my neck, clinging to my shirt.

“What if we go home?” I propose her. She nods, without saying a word. I turn to Bellamy and nod to him. He helps me get her in the car and we sit her between Jasper and me. I sigh, as she rests her head on my shoulder. Jasper and I glanced at each other in understanding. Then, Bellamy starts the car and we leave.
   
I walk Lexa to her house. I asked her if she preferred to go to my mother's, but she said no. I know she's ashamed, I know she feels like a failure, but I wish she understands she isn’t. It is the world that is cruel and ruthless, not her that is a mistake. I help her get inside the bedroom and sit on the bed. I smile at her, tenderly. The bruises have now disappeared almost completely, even the marks on her face are practically no longer seen. I peer at her. Her eyes are so penetrating, albeit full of sadness. She is beautiful, I would love her to realize it.

“Why?” she asks me, all of a sudden. “Why did you come to the pub tonight? Why didn't you mind your own business?”

“Lex...”

“Don’t Lex me, Clarke! What were you thinking? I am not a bargain of change!” she yells.

“I know you're not.” I claim.

“So what was that check? Clarke, you paid for me! You bought me!". She is on the verge of tears again. “Why, Clarke? Why?”

“Because I can't lose you too!”. Lexa raises her head and widens her eyes. She stares at me, confused.

“Clarke, what...”. I swallow. I take a deep breath and crouch to her height. I cup her face with my hands and let our eyes meet, for the umpteenth time. Her green is asking me for an answer and I can't back down, not this time. I bow my head, but she forces me to raise it. The roles have reversed, now I'm the one who needs her. And it has always been like this. I sigh.

“Clarke, if it's because your father I...”

“It's not. At least, not only.”. I run a hand through my hair, trying to bring back the tears. “Hollywood is so different from Polis. When I arrived in Los Angeles, I thought that I could start over, that I had the world at my feet. It was just an illusion.”

“Clarke...”

“No, let me speak. I had no friends, Lex. And when four years ago I... I cut you off from my life, I was left alone. Apart from Raven and Murphy, my manager, I didn't have anyone else.” I explain. “Two years ago, I met a guy. He played the guitar, we met for the first time at one of my acoustic sets. The production hired him to work for me, even though his dream was to record an album of his own. He used to write magnificent songs, Lex.”

“What was his name?” she asks me.

“Wells, Wells Jaha. In a short time we became very good friends. You see, he was different. He reminded me of you and the others. He was a simple person, something rare in Hollywood. We had big plans, we wanted to write and record an album together. We composed a few songs, but we didn't have time to record them.”. I have a lump in my throat, I'm holding back from crying.

“What happened?” Lexa asks me, guessing that something serious must have happened. I breathe deeply. I'm really going to say it out loud. I'm really going to let him go forever.

“Wells is... He is...”. Lexa takes my hand between hers and smiles at me.

“Clarke, I‘ve got you.” she whispers to me. I nod.

“He's dead.” I finally say in a sigh. “We were walking home and I insisted on taking a shortcut. A girl tried to pickpocket me and he got in the way. I just remember falling to the ground, the doctors explained to me that I must have hit my head on the asphalt. When I woke up, Wells was motionless, covered in blood. Lightbourne managed to cover up everything, but I can't pretend nothing happened. Since that night, I've completely lost the taste of life, Lex. Nothing makes sense anymore and I stopped hoping for a new beginning.”. Lexa gently caresses my cheek, wiping my tears away with her thumb.

“I couldn’t imagine... I'm sorry.” she mutters.

“It's not your fault.” I say.

“Not even yours.” she replies and I wish I could believe her. I really want that so much. She allows me to sit next to her and I snuggle up to her chest. I look up. Our eyes meet again. There is something new in me, a new urgency that I have never felt before.

“Lex...” I whisper. She looks at me, curious.

“Maybe I still want to hope for a new beginning.” I say. I don't give her time to react. I don't leave her room to think. My lips are on hers, I have craved them for so long. After a few moments of uncertainty, I feel her reciprocate the kiss and I feel relieved. Maybe we'll regret it tomorrow, but for now I'm sure that's what we both need. Yes, the hope that a life for us is possible. That's what we need.

----- CHAPTER BREAK -----

22.

So I'll start over but I can't reset

I can't reset

(June Divided-Reset)

I'm walking down the street. It's dark and I can hear a huge amount of voices surrounding me. I'm on the ground now, my eyes wide open. I can't stand up on my feet, I can't move. The more I try, the more paralyzed I feel. A shadow comes closer my face. It brushes my cheek and kisses my lips. A deadly frost pervades me, lethal. Then, everything vibrates around me.

Everything vibrates. I open my eyes slowly, trying to figure out where I am. I jerk. My cell phone is vibrating wildly. I take it and as soon as I read the name on the display I choke a scream with the pillow.

“It’s about time, Clarke. Where the hell are you?”

“Well I...”. Yeah, where am I? I look around. Only now do I realize that I'm not at my mother's place. Next to me, Lexa is sleeping, curled up on herself. I smile. She looks like a child.

“Clarke?” Raven calls me back.

“Rae, I...”

“Clarke, I know what happened yesterday. I'm here at the studio and it wasn't hard to get the guys talking. But what were you thinking? And most importantly, did you really think I wouldn't realize you weren't at the pub anymore? I've been calling you all night!”. I sigh, running a hand over my face. I get up and leave the room, not to wake up Lexa.

“Rae, I'm fine.” I say. “Sorry if I ran away yesterday without even warning you, I thought I would have come back earlier.”

“Never do it again!” Raven intimates. “I got scared to death. I... You are an irresponsible, a hothead, a...”

“Rae, I'm fine.” I try to reassure her.

“You better be at the studio in an hour. Don't be late.”

“Yessir, boss.” I mock her. I hear her snorting on the other side of the phone and I chuckle, amused.

“Clarke, remember that I love you.”

“Me too, Rae. Me too.” I turn off the phone and sigh, resting my palms on the kitchen table. I think back to what happened yesterday between me and Lexa. I crossed a line that maybe I should have never crossed, but at the same time I know I needed it. And I hope the same goes for Lexa too. I'm so lost in my thoughts that I don't even realize she is behind me.

“Clarke...” she calls me. I turn around and my breath is taken away. She has just woken up, but she is so beautiful. Her green eyes look at me with disarming tenderness and sweetness. I bite my lip. I bow my head, unable to sustain her gaze. I know we should talk about what happened between us, but I don't have the courage to do so.

“Lexa I... Erm... Good morning.” I say, finally. She lets out a smile, probably amused by my embarrassment.

“Do you want to have breakfast? If you want, I can give you some milk. Or do you prefer eggs? Wait until I find them.” I start rambling, roaming in the fridge.

“Clarke...”

“Yes, I know, I'm a bad cook, but if you trust me a little, I assure you I'll cook you the best eggs ever.”

“Clarke...” she calls me back, in vain.

“You have a pretty messy fridge, but now I'll find what...”

“Clarke, stop.” she orders me, taking my hands and forcing me to turn to her. “Breathe.” I take a deep breath and try to calm down. My head gradually gets clearer and my desire to run away without turning around increases immeasurably. Lexa forces me to look at her in the eye and I almost choke on saliva.

“We should talk.” she starts, letting my hands go. I rub the back of my neck, while I panic more and more.

“Yeah.” I give up, finally. I lean against the wall, as if it could somehow wrap me and hide me from what’s going on. Of course, it will never happen.

“Clarke, everything is all right. It's just that...”

“I get it, it’s better I leave.” I cut short. “Yesterday I made a mistake and I swear it won't happen again.”. I run to the door without even turning around, when I hear her calling my name. I stop, but I don't find the courage to turn .

“It wasn't a mistake, Clarke.”. I feel my heart skip a beat. She gets closer and closer, until she lays her hand on my shoulder and makes me turn towards her.

“It wasn't a mistake.” she repeats. Her green eyes meet my blue irises. No, it wasn't a mistake, I don't think that either. And as soon as I feel her lips on mine again, I have confirmation of that. It's a more heated, less unexpected kiss than the one we shared last night. When we pull away to catch our breaths, I lean my forehead against hers and look into her eyes, losing myself in those green irises that peer at me, perhaps terrified of me changing my mind. But I'm not going to back down. I'm not going to leave, not this time.

“Lex, you're shaking.” I mutter, a little worried.

“I... Maybe we should really talk about it.” she responds, taking a step back. She sits on the dusty sofa against the wall, holding her head in her hands. She is nervous and I think I can sense the reason why.

“Lex...” I call her, sitting next to her. “I'm here, I'm not leaving.” I try to reassure her. “I'm here.”

“Clarke I need to believe it.” she claims. “What happened yesterday was not a mistake for me, but I need to know that you will be there. It's not just about me this time.”. Now I understand. Aden. I didn't think of him. I sigh.

“Lex, I... It wasn't a mistake for me either.” I say. “But I understand if you want to take it slow. After all that happened, after what I did, I think that's right.”

“Clarke...”

“No Lex, you're a mother now. Just know that I'm not going to hurt or use either you or Aden. God, you're worth too much to be treated like that.”

“Like what? Abandoned and completely ignored for four years?” she replies, with a hint of irony. I bow my head. Hit and sunk, congratulations. She still doesn't trust me and I certainly can't blame her for that.

“Clarke, I was joking.” she reassures me. She smiles at me and holds me, snapping a kiss on my forehead.

“I'm sorry for everything you had to go through because of me.” I say. “I wasn't kidding the other day, I'm seriously considering whether to stay here longer. And now I think I have some very valid reasons to do so.” I claim, looking at her in the eyes. I see her swallowing, surprised by my new plans. I caress her cheek, tenderly. I kiss her again, slowly. I want to show her that she can trust me, that I won't abandon her this time. I want to regain her trust, totally. God only knows how I managed to stay away from her for four years. And to think that I have done everything not to get closer to her in these weeks here in Polis.

“Let's go have breakfast.” Lexa suggests me. She gets up off the couch and heads to the kitchen. She turns to me and beckons me to join her. No, what's between me and her is not a mistake. And it is with this certainty that I realize that I am, for the first time in years, finally serene.
    
“It’s about time.” Raven welcomes me, slightly irritated. “You scared the hell out of me, you irresponsible!” she then yells at me, throwing a fist on my arm.

“Ouch.” I complain, a smile on my lips. “Rae, I'm fine!” I try to reassure her. I know she's not really angry, just worried.

“You didn't come home last night and you didn't answer your cell phone, I didn't know what to think.”

“Wait, didn’t you get home?” Monty asks. Next to him, Jasper and Bellamy glance at each other, their gazes full of complicity.

“Well, I... Lexa was very shaken.” I say. At the end of the day, it's not a lie. Jasper sighs and shakes his head, his eyes full of judgment.

“What?” I ask, playing dumb.

“Clarke, tell me it didn’t happen what I think happened” Raven questions me.

“It depends, what do you think happened?” I keep playing dumb, without success.

“Oh my God, Anya is going to kill her.” Bellamy suddenly exclaims. I nervously scratch the back of my neck. Yeah, Anya. I haven’t thought about her.

“Clarke Griffin, what the heck were you thinking?” Raven is raging, this time for real. She steps towards me, threatening, until she crushes me against the wall.

“Rae, it's not what you thi-…”

“I'm your best friend and I have to scold you when you behave this way!”

“Rae...”

“I never thought you could treat Lexa like that! She's not one of your Los Angeles toys!”. She's out of her mind, I've never seen her like that.

“Rae, it's not what you think, I told you!” I snap, pushing her away. “I care about Lexa, so much. We both wanted it, her and I. And in any case, nothing huge happened for your information, we just kissed.”. My friends look at me stunned, including Raven. “Can we focus on the album now, please?” I try to shift the topic.

“I knew, you owe me ten dollars, Monty.”. Indeed.

“Jas, I've never bet against the two of them.”

“You owe me ten dollars anyway.”. I roll my eyes, shocked. I take Raven by her arm and take advantage of the fact that my friends started arguing so I could talk to her.

“When were you going to tell me?” she asks me.

“It was all very sudden. I... I can’t understand anything anymore Rae, I just know that I care about Lexa and that I need her. I would never hurt her again, not anymore.” I explain.

“Oh, come on, you want me to believe that you never realized you were feeling something for Lexa? Clarke, I saw how you looked at her when we went hiking with Marcus.”. I rub my temple, visibly embarrassed.

“Whether you believe it or not, I've never considered Lexa this way. I mean, we grew up together, we were like sisters, it would have been weird." I state.

“The fact that you thought it was weird doesn't mean you never thought about it, Clarke.” Raven replies.

“It may be. Certainly, growing the perception I had of her has changed, that's for sure.” I say, while I take a sip of water from a bottle that I am nervously holding in my hands. “Come on, what do you want to ask me?” I ask her then, seeing her fidgeting. She swings on her toes, undecided whether to talk or not.

“I was just trying to figure out if, by any chance, this could be the reason that drove you to cut ties with her four years ago.”. I shake my head. I wish she was right, but unfortunately that is not the case.

“What caused me to leave four years ago is something totally different, Rae.”

“Whatever it is, I think you have to tell her sooner or later, Clarke. Especially if you have serious intentions with her. She has already suffered enough, she at least deserves to understand the reason for your behavior. Don't forget that there is also Aden to think about. You have to be as transparent as possible, Clarke. I tell you from experience, secrets only create unnecessary tensions.”. I sigh. I know she is right, but unfortunately Raven can't understand. No one can. I find myself looking at Jasper. He is still arguing with Monty and Bellamy. It's funny. He's the only one who knows what happened to me, I've never talked to anyone else about it. The question arises, why him and no one else? The answer is pretty simple. I was sure Jasper could understand and not judge me. And, in fact, it went like that.

“Clarke, if you need to talk about it, I'm here.” Raven's voice brings me back to reality. I smile at her.

“I know, Rae. It's that... I can't, I'm sorry.” I say, bitterly. My friend looks at me not too convinced, but doesn't insist any further. She holds me to herself and caresses my head.

“I'm still happy for you, Clarke.” she finally whispers to me, causing me to let out a smile. We approach Jasper, Monty and Bellamy. I think back to my awakening this morning. No, there was no mistake between me and Lexa. My past, that's the only real, huge mistake.

----- CHAPTER BREAK -----

23.

Life has me running in circles as of late

I've been searching for some kind of saving grace

(For The Win-Heavy Thoughts)

“Lexa, come in. Aden is upstairs, I’ll go call him." my mother welcomes her. “Do you want to stop by for dinner? We're waiting for the others, Marcus organized a barbecue.” she proposes to her, before going upstairs.

“Oh, I... Abby I don’t want to bother.” My mother smiles at her and gestures her not to worry.

“Clarke, add two seats.” she orders me, as she goes upstairs. I feel like I'm back to my teenage years.

“Do you think we should tell

her?” Lexa asks me, a little worried.

“What? No, not at all. I mean, sooner or later yes, but maybe it's better if...”

“Hey there, lovebirds.” Raven interrupts me, smirking.

“Rae!” I reproach her. Next to me, Lexa is panicking.

“No, we aren’t...” she tried to deny, in vain.

“Don't worry, Bellamy, Jasper, Monty and I didn't say anything to Anya.”. As soon as she hears her cousin's name, Lexa turns to me, terrified.

“My God, she won't take it well, at all.” I put a hand on her shoulder and force her to look at me in the eyes.

“Hey, she doesn’t have to know it now. We don't have to tell her.” Lexa bites her lip, pensive.

“Clarke, it's been three days now. I can't keep hiding her this. And the same goes for your mother.”

“What goes for me?”. I turn around. My mother is looking at us, curious. She has a clever smirk painted on her face and I suspect she already knows what we were talking about.

“W-we...” Lexa stutters, unable to form a meaningful sentence. Behind us, Raven is about to sneak away, but I glare at her.

“When were you going to tell me?” Finally, my mother calls her bluff, making us understand that she already knows everything.

“Well, we... Soon.” I answer. “I mean, we wanted to, but...”. My mother bursts out laughing, amused by our clear state of embarrassment.

“Where is Aden?” Lexa tries to shift the topic, in vain.

“He is sorting his toys. Don't try to change the subject, miss.” my mother scolds her, jokingly. “I'm happy for you.” she tells us then. We definitely didn't expect that.

“Oh, don't look at me like that. I've been waiting for you to open your eyes since you were fifteen years old.” she says, grinning.

“Mom!”

“What? It's the truth.”. This conversation is taking a decidedly embarrassing turn. She is about to say something more, but Aden coming saves us.

“Mom!” he exclaims, throwing himself in Lexa's arms. She holds him to herself and caresses his head with love. I look at them, discovering myself eager to be able to live this moment infinite times. Lexa crosses her gaze with mine and smiles at me. I know that sooner or later we will also have to talk to Aden, to explain the situation to him. No, maybe I'm running a little too much. After all, we decided to take it easy and, for now, it's probably better for Aden to consider me nothing more than a friend of his mother.

“Clarke, mom said we're going to have dinner here.” he exclaims, enthusiastic. I crouch down to his height and ruffle his hair.

“Well, of course. We should eat something for dinner.” I answer him, taking him in my arms and pretending I want to devour him. He bursts out laughing, while I tickle him. Out of the corner of my eye I notice Raven looking at me with proud eyes. It's amazing how I've changed so much in less than a month. If I think back to how I was the first few days, I have a hard time recognizing myself.

“Well champ, bring this to uncle Marcus and uncle Lincoln.” my mother says, entrusting Aden with a metal tray. The child doesn't make her repeat twice and run away. I watch him disappear behind the door to the garden.

“He's a good kid.” my mother says. “Take care of him.” she warns us, and then disappear into the kitchen.
  “Can I have some more sausages?” Monty asks, without waiting for any answer anyway.
“What if I wanted some?” Jasper mocks him.

“There's a full tray of it, don't be babies.” my mother scolds them. In front of them, Echo, Harper and Octavia are laughing out loud, while Bellamy is playing with Aden, Lexa and Anya. I missed having dinner all together, I have to admit that.

“What are you thinking about?” Raven asks me.

“About nothing. Just... You know, maybe you did the right thing convincing me to come back here.” I confess, finally. My friend smiles at me, sipping some beer.

"What about you instead? How are you? Do you already know how you will handle the distance with Anya once we have to leave?" I ask her.

“We talked about it this afternoon. We'll make it, somehow. We plan to hang out with each other over the weekends for now, then we will figure out what to do later. Have you and Lexa talked about it?”. I shake my head.

“Not yet. I'm afraid she thinks I want to abandon her again. But I'll have to leave, unfortunately. I would like her to come with me, but I don't think she would accept. Also because I am the first who, being able to choose, would never go back to Los Angeles.”. Raven looks at me, shocked. “Don't look at me like this. Truth is I hate Hollywood. Everything is so... So fake. Since I came back here I've realized how much I've missed decent human relationships. God, I think I hit the rock bottom, Rae.”. My friend forces me to look at her in the eye. She smiles at me. “They're not all like that, though. Murphy and I love you. And then there was Wells, he cared so much about you.”

“And did you see what happened to him?”. I immediately regret those words. “I’m sorry, Rae. I'm just a little confused. I need her, I've always done and only now do I realize it. But then I think about the last four years and I feel like suffocating. There's a reason I cut ties with her Rae, and I'm scared to find out I made the right choice.”. Raven rubs her neck, looking for an answer to give me.

“Clarke, you yourself said you need her. As far as I'm concerned, I haven't seen you so serene in a very long time. I don't know what happened four years ago, but whatever it is, I'm sure you can get over it together.". I shake my head.

“No Rae, trust me. I would lose her.” I reply.

“Why would you lose me?”. I turn around. Lexa has just joined us and is peering at me, curious. I know Raven would like me to open up and tell the truth, but I just can't do it. I beg her with my eyes to help me.

“I suggested her to cook you something.” she lies.

“Raven, do you want me to get poisoned?” Lexa jokes, taking me by the hand. She invites me to follow her and together we head to the kitchen. Lexa looks around, then kisses me, without warning. I pull away, surprised by her behavior. She backs down, perhaps fearing that she has done something wrong. I pull her closer to me again, with the intention of making her understand that she didn't do anything wrong. Not her. She snuggles up to my chest and I can't resist any longer. I bring two fingers under her chin and force her to look up. Her green eyes collide with mine and I can feel a shiver running down my spine.

“Lex, I...” I start.

“You?”. I swallow. Time seems to have stopped. It's just me and her, the world seems to have vanished into thin air. Is it possible that my feelings for her are so strong?

“I need to tell you that...”

“Clarke Griffin! Get your hands off my cousin!” that’s all I hear, before Anya reaches me and knocks me out. Then, darkness envelops me.
   
“Clarke. Clarke, wake up.” I hear a voice calling me, so far away. I hardly open my eyes and bring a hand to my temple. Around me, everyone breathes a sigh of relief.

“Clarke, how are you feeling?” my mother asks me.

“My head hurts.” I answer, rubbing my temple. I try to sit down, helped by my mother.

“Heck Clarke, thank goodness you got a thick skull or Anya would have pulled it off from you.”

“Yeah Jas, thank goodness I got a thick skull.” I confirm, not entirely ironic. I lean against the wall and take a deep breath.

“Clarke! How are you? I'm so sorry" Lexa runs to me, her eyes full of fear.

“I'm fine, I just have a little headache.” I reassure her. My mother shakes her head. She turns around. Anya is in front of us watching us with an indecipherable gaze.

“Anya Woods, what the hell were you thinking?” my mother scolds her.

“Who, me? Ask your daughter, instead! Did you have fun with Lexa, Clarke? Did you use her well, before disappearing again?” she is screaming, enraged.

“An...” Lexa mutters, in my defense.

“No Lex. I thought you were smarter than that. What will happen when she leaves again? Because I'm not going to pick up the pieces again, I'm sorry.” Anya concludes, and then get out of the kitchen. I turn around to look at Raven. She is utterly frozen. I know she is in a delicate position. I'm her best friend, but with Anya there's a really deep bond, I can see it.

“Go with her.” I tell her.

“Are you sure?”

“Yes Rae, go.” I urge her. My friend gives me one last smile and goes after her girlfriend, while I rest my head against the wall. I try to get up on my feet, but my mother stops me.

“I'm fine.” I protest.

“Clarke, your skull has taken a pretty good knock. Take it easy, before you faint again.”

“Do as she says.” Bellamy admonishes me. I glare at him, but I don't retort. Sitting next to me, Lexa tenderly caresses my shoulder. She is crying, mortified by her cousin's behavior. I would like to console her, tell her that nothing has happened, but I know that is not the case. Anya is right, what is going to happen when I leave? The truth is, maybe I don't want to leave. Not anymore.
   
I recovered and now I'm sitting in the garden, pensive. I am extremely confused. What if Anya was right? What If I am making a mistake? What if I hurt Lexa?

“Griffin.”. I turn around. Anya is in front of me with a guilty look. I flinch, fearful. After all, she has just knocked me out, I would like to avoid repeating the experience.

“Don't worry, I don't want to hurt you.”. I don't know whether to believe her, but I just nod, scared of getting her annoyed. “I'm sorry.”. I jolt. Is she really apologizing? “It's that... I would like to understand your intentions. Lexa has already suffered enough, I don't want her to get hurt again. Moreover, there is now Aden to think about. I'm just worried and I overreacted.”. I rub my neck, looking for the right words to say. Anya is right, there is no point in denying it.

“I care about her, An. I don't want to hurt either her or Aden. I'll have to go back to Los Angeles and I'm aware of that, but I'm not going to leave her, not again.” I claim. Anya peers at me, suspicious.

“I have a hard time believing you, you know that, right?”. I nod. I understand that, I don't deserve anyone's trust. Not after what I did.

“Anya, I... I know I don't deserve a second chance from you.” I say. “But I want you to know that I would do anything for Lexa and Aden.”. Anya sighs. She looks before herself, without speaking. Then, she turns to me, her gaze softened.

“You took her away from McReary, Clarke. I will forever be extremely grateful to you for this. I trust Lexa and if she sees something in you, then it must exist.”. I bite my lip, unable to reply. “Just, treat her well. If you hurt her again, I swear I...”

“It's not going to happen, An. I promise you.” Anya nods and pats me on the back.

“Well, we've made it clear. Good night Griffin.” I watch her leave. From a distance, Raven beckons me to join her, but I shake my head in no. I stay alone, with my thoughts and regrets. No, I don't want to hurt Lexa. I'm sorry Raven, but it's precisely for this reason that I can't reveal what happened four years ago. I don't want her to suffer because of my mistakes. I don't want her to find out that she lived four years in a lie. And, while a thousand thoughts assault me, I rediscover myself eager to escape, for the umpteenth time.

----- CHAPTER BREAK -----

24.

If life is but a dream, I'm scared of waking up and losing everything

[…]

Oh love me when the lights go out

(Patrick Droney-When The Lights Go Out)

“Good morning.” I greet, entering the kitchen.

“Good morning to you, Clarke. Are you joining us for breakfast?” Marcus asks me. Next to him, Raven yawns loudly and sinks her face into her coffee.

“Why not?” I claim, leaving everyone stunned.

“That's quite surprising.” Raven says. “In all these years I've never seen you have breakfast.”

“Today I want to, Rae. Could you hand me the cookies? Aden’s chocolate ones are great.”. My mother smiles and rushes to take me what I asked for, perhaps fearing that I may change my mind. Along with the cookies, she also gives me a cup of coffee. She sits next to me and caresses my hair, making me feel like a child for a few minutes. I haven’t lived such a relaxed morning in a really long time.

“So, yesterday Lexa told me you're going hiking.” Marcus starts.

“Yes, she organized everything. We're going with Aden, so I don't think she has chosen a very challenging path.” I explain.

“You mean you hope so.”

“Rae, I'm not that bad.” I try to defend myself, in vain. My friend giggles, while taking a huge bite of her toast. I don't understand how she can eat so much without gaining even a pound.

“She should be here soon and I'm still wearing my pajamas.” I realize. I get up from the table and run upstairs trying to anticipate Lexa's arrival, but it's too late. She is already here.

“Clarke, don't tell me you're lat-... Oh my God, I'm sorry.” I turn to the door of my bedroom. Lexa is staring at me, as red as a tomato. Only at this moment do I realize that I am half naked in front of her.

“L-Lex, I... I was getting dressed.” I stammer.

“Erm, I see.” she mutters, more and more embarrassed. “You... I’ll wait for you downstairs.”. I nod and watch her leave. I close the door and sit on the bed. I breathe in and out deeply, trying to get the image of Lexa staring at me while I'm without clothes out of my head. I get dressed quickly and get out of my room. I go downstairs and find Lexa and Aden chatting with my mother, Marcus and Raven.

“Do you want to come too?” she asks my friend, but she shakes her head.

“I’m going to see your cousin later. Maybe we'll go to Monty and Harper’s, I don't know.” she replies. “You know, when I left with Clarke to come here, I had no idea what to expect. I've lived my whole life in Los Angeles and I've never been to a place that wasn't a big city. Even when I accompanied Clarke on her tours, we always went to some metropolis, never to a small town. I was afraid of ending up in some primitive town, without electricity or water.” I give her a look halfway between the confused and the amused. I can't believe what I’ve just heard.

“I’m really happy to be here instead. Of course, the fact that I met Anya plays a big role in this, but it's not just that. You are all beautiful, generous and united people. You love each other and you love me too. It's not a familiar feeling to me.”. I smile at her, holding her to me. She didn't have an easy life, I know that well. Her father disappeared into thin air when Raven was only a few months old and her mother voted her life for alcohol, almost forgetting she had a daughter. She never told me, but I suspect she used to beat her.

“We're glad we met you, Raven. And I'm glad Clarke has had a person like you by her side over the years.” my mother replies. Raven bites her lip, holding back from bursting into tears. I sigh. Perhaps this is the secret of life, be grateful. And I wish I could always be so.
   
“Clarke, you can't stop already!”

“I'm just a little out of training!” I retort. Lexa and Aden are two or three meters ahead of me and they are looking at me, enjoying my rather clumsy attempts to keep up with them.

“It's you who go too fast.” I complain. Lexa bursts out laughing.

“Clarke, Aden is five years old.” she claims.

“Yes, but he's used to hiking. He lives here.” I reply, as I drag myself with difficulty on the path. Lexa comes to my rescue and reaches out to help me keep going. At that contact I take my breath away, but I try not to show it. The truth is that by now Lexa has penetrated my heart, mind and soul. I feel something new for her, unknown to me, something I've never experienced even with Finn. I suspect I know what it is, but I'm afraid to give this feeling a name. I don't want to move too fast.

“Joking aside, are you okay?” she asks me, distracting me from my thoughts.

“Uh, I... Y-yes, I was just catching my breath.”.Lexa smiles at me and caresses my cheek, with an almost disarming tenderness.

“Mom, Clarke, let's go!” Aden urges us, destroying the bubble that we have created. Lexa giggles and snaps a kiss on my forehead.

“Can you keep going?” she asks, worried.

“At a slow pace, yes.” I answer. Lexa smiles at me and runs towards Aden, picking him up. He cuddles him, despite the child’s attempts to escape. I look at them, a little melancholy. I never thought I could want such a simple and serene everyday life. The truth is, I had completely stopped wanting anything, even happiness. My life has been nothing more than a jumble of empty and senseless moments, devoid of any meaning. I’ve survived for six years, but I never really lived to the fullest. I don't think there is anything sadder.

“Clarke, we'll be forced to stop here if you don't hurry up.” Lexa calls me back.

“I'm coming!” I answer, walking again. I manage to reach them, even if it's a little difficult. We keep walking for another half hour. The path is quite simple and, little by little, I take a good pace. From time to time, Lexa helps me keep going, but mostly I manage on my own.

“I thought you would have been faster.” Aden states all of a sudden. I burst out laughing.

“Aden...” Lexa scolds him, but I gesture her to let him talk.

“He's right, I'm a disaster.” I admit without reservation. “But I promise you I'll get back in shape.”

“I thought superstars like you usually work out.” Lexa considers, in a deliberately ironic tone.

“Well, attending a gym a few hours per week and then going to parties of all kinds and getting drunk like there isn’t a tomorrow and going hiking are two very different things.” I respond.
“Mom, what does it mean getting dunk?” Aden asks. I turn to Lexa, who widens her eyes almost as much as I do.
“Honey, that's something I want you to never do, okay?” Aden nods, not really satisfied with the answer, and starts walking again.

“You want him to never do that, huh?”. Lexa rolls her eyes. She shakes her head and speeds up the pace.

“Look, you're left behind, Griffin.” she tells me and I can't stop myself from bursting out laughing.
   
I put my backpack on the ground and look around. We are in the middle of the woods, near a stream. The birds are chirping cheerfully and it is possible to catch a glimpse of some squirrels on the trees. I’ve missed all this, I have to be honest. The atmosphere you can breathe now is so different from the one that hovered on the trip a few weeks ago. That's because Lexa and I are different. I watch her as she is busy laying out a blanket on the lawn. Since I came back to Polis, I have never seen her so serene. She's free, at last. Unlike me. I know very well that I will never be until I confess what happened four years ago, but at the same time I don't want to lose her. They say the truth sets us free, but in this case it would make us all extremely unhappy. I can't know her sad again, I can't hurt her. I love her too much to inflict more pain on her. Because yes, I love her, I can't hide it anymore.

“What are you thinking about?” she asks me, while she gives me a ham and cheese sandwich. I rub my neck, desperately looking for the right words to say.

“Clarke?” Lexa insists, forcing me to turn to her. Her green eyes peer at me, they penetrate my soul. Only now do I realize that I am holding my breath. She smiles at me and caresses my cheek, urging me to speak.

“I... I'm just happy to be here. And I would never have believed it to be possible.” I confess, tears in my eyes. “And to think that I was so far away from asking Murphy to send me to rehab rather than here.”. Lexa sighs, a bitter smile painted on her face.

“Did I say something wrong?” I ask her. She is about to answer me, when Aden throws himself at her.

“Hey!” we complain. He looks at us, with a smart gaze.

“Aden, what's up?” Lexa questions, visibly annoyed. I think she wanted to tell me something important and that the forced interruption by her son must have bothered her a lot.

“He’s just a child, Lex.” I whisper to her, to make her calm down. I want to make her understand that everything is fine and that whatever she wants to talk about, she can do it later. She nods to me that he understood and immediately her face softens, relaxed. She holds Aden to herself and snaps a kiss on her hair. The baby snuggles up to her chest and takes my hand. My gaze crosses Lexa's again. I feel a lump in my throat, but I fight the tears back. It’s true, I stopped wanting anything. And yet, now the only thing I want is for this moment to last forever.
  “No Clarke, I’m telling you I never ended up in detention.”
“Oh, come on Lexa! Your son has the right to know that his mother used to always end up in trouble when she was in high school.” I reply. I have tears from laughing. We came home a while ago and, after a quick shower, Lexa and I made dinner. We are now reviving the past, while Aden asks us a thousand questions. He is a very smart child for his age. Lexa did a great job with him, she should be proud of it.

“My son is only five years old and has to think his mother is perfect.” she retorts.

“You snore.” Aden just says, with disarming simplicity. Lexa is stunned, speechless. I can't resist and I burst out laughing again.

“That's not true!” Lexa complains, in vain.

“Yes it is. You snore a lot, if you sleep with me sometimes I wake up because of the noise you make.” the child insists and I'm literally holding my belly while laughing. Lexa rolls her eyes and gets up, starting to clear the table. Aden moves to the couch and I decide to help her tidy up the kitchen.

“You don't have to.” Lexa claims, but I interrupt her, laying a hand on her shoulder.

“I want to, Lex. Don't worry.” I reassure her. Once we finished washing the dishes and tidying up, we go back to the living room. We find Aden asleep, probably exhausted from the day. Lexa picks him up, careful not to wake him up, and takes him to his room. She puts him to bed and tucks him in, gently. She snaps a kiss on his forehead and caresses his hair, tenderly.

“Good night sweetie.” she whispers. She waits a few minutes and then comes out, almost bumping me. She shyly bites her lip bows her gaze.

“Lex...” I muttered, forcing her to raise her head. We stay like this, still in the dim light, for a few seconds. Lexa cups my face with her hands and is about to lean in, but I stop her, trying to be as less abrupt as possible. She doesn't understand and looks at me, confused and terrified she has done something wrong.

“Lex, wait. I need to talk to you first.”. She nods, inviting me to go on.

“Well... What did you want to tell me today before Aden interrupted us?”. Lexa runs a hand through her face. She moves to the living room and sighs, sitting on the couch. I follow her, a little confused by her behavior. She turns to me and looks at me, for the umpteenth time.

“I just wanted to tell you that... Clarke, I know what it's like to lose someone. Costia's death devastated me and if your mother, Anya and the others hadn't been there, I don't really know where I would be right now. I spent days locked in the room without eating or talking to anyone. Then, one morning, I found myself in front of Aden and I realized something. He was there with me and was asking me to continue to be there. The dead are gone, Clarke. The living, on the other hand, they’re here."

“I can’t understand the point Lexa.” I say. “I saw the one who had become my best friend die under my eyes and I made mistakes that I regret every day, especially with you. I just tried to survive, that's all. And you did the same, from what I understand. Because Lex, living only for Aden is not life.”

“Maybe life should be more than just surviving.” she replies, causing me to gasp. “You deserve it, Clarke. We both deserve it.”. I swallow. I can't resist any further. I kiss her, without thinking twice. We end up in her room, I don't even know how. I strip her from her clothes, with slowness and adoration. A veil of sadness stains my gaze as soon as I notice the traces of McReary's passing on her skin. I kiss every bruise and scar, with a cure I didn't think could belong to me.

“Clarke, I...” Lexa mutter.

“Shhh.” I silence her, resting my lips on hers again. We don't need words, not right now. I feel her clinging to me, as if she was afraid that I might leave again. No Lexa, it won't happen again, it's a promise. And, as I enter her, I can only agree with her. I don't want to just survive, not anymore. I need to live. I need to be born again. And, Lexa, the key to all of this is you.

----- CHAPTER BREAK -----

25.

Maybe I'm running

From what I know

Something is different

I need a new place to wander

(The Dangerous Summer-I Should Leave Right Now)

I open my eyes slowly, trying to get used little by little to the light penetrating through the curtains. Next to me, Lexa is still sleeping. I look at her, tracing with my finger the beautiful tattoo that decorates her back. It is an intricate design formed by lines and planets that unfolds along the entire spine to the base of the neck. I remember when she showed it to me the first time, on graduation day. My mother couldn't believe her eyes. I get lost among the thousand details of that masterpiece and admire the symbol of infinity on her neck, which only now do I notice. It must be quite recent, it's probably related to Costia. I feel her moving under my touch and starting to shift. She turns around, her eyes still half closed.

“Hey.” she mutters, half asleep. I smile and kiss the tip of her nose, then hold her in my arms.

“Good morning.” I tell her, finally.

“Clarke, I think it's time to get up.” she claims, trying to free herself from my grip.

“Five more minutes.” I complain, hiding my face in the crook of her neck. Lexa bursts out laughing and kisses my head, sweetly.

“I'd love to stay like this all day, but today is Sunday and your mother is waiting for us for lunch. Moreover, Aden will wake up at any moment and I don’t want him to find us like this. That would be a little embarrassing.”. I nod, thinking about all the times I found that child in bed at absurd times. In fact, that kid is quite an early bird.

“Fine, you won.” I give in, letting her go. I watch her get out of bed and get dressed, then she approaches me and caresses my cheek. I let her do it, but when I find myself on the floor I can't hold back the surprise.

“Hey!” I complain. “You don't push people to the ground.”

“Not if I'm late.” she replies, a crooked smirk painted on her face.

“Really?” I say, taking her by the wrists and dragging her against me. I make our lips collide and kiss her, without allowing her to pull away from me. And, apparently, she doesn't seem to feel like doing it either. The noise of the door opening, however, forces us to move apart. I rush to the bed and cover myself with the sheet, while Lexa is wearing a shirt in a hurry. Aden enters slowly, sleepily stumbling in a decidedly funny way.

“Bathroom.” he announces and Lexa opens her eyes wide. She turns to me, red as a pepper and I gesture her to go, holding me back from bursting out laughing. And, as I watch them leave the bedroom, I think I would die to be able to live this life every day.
   “Are you sure you want to do this?” I ask, while Lexa parks the car.
“Clarke, it's not the first time we have lunch at Marcus and Abby's.”

“Yes, but it's the first time we're having lunch with them as a... As a...”

“A couple?” she finishes the sentence. “You don't have to worry, you know it won’t be a problem for them” she reassures me, getting out of the car.

“And what if I... I mean, what if I…” I stutter, without being able to create a meaningful sentence. Lexa unfastens Aden’s from his car seatbelt and shakes her head, chuckling. She turns to me and looks at me, her green eyes always there, ready to calm me down. She knows that I am afraid to disappoint everyone's expectations again, especially hers. She knows I'm afraid of making mistakes again, of hurting her for the umpteenth time. She moves towards me and caresses my cheek, with an almost inhuman tenderness. She puts her lips on mine and kisses me, slowly. She wants me to understand that she is here with me, that nothing bad will happen. And I want to believe her, I want to trust this promise.

“We have to go.” she whispers, pulling away from me. I nod and head to the door, holding Aden by the hand. I look around, a little nervous.

“Is that new?” I ask, pointing to a car I have never seen before. Lexa shrugs, a sign that she doesn't know the answer.

“I've never seen it. It must be someone passing by, I can't see your mother with a car like that.” she says. I agree with her by shaking my head and I ring the doorbell. I don't know why, but I have a bad feeling and I can't calm myself down.

“Hey, it's going to be alright.” Lexa reassures me, laying a hand on my shoulder. I smile at her and focus on the door. I don't understand why they are taking so long to open. Finally, I hear someone tinkering with the lock.

“It’s about time, Rae.” I greet my friend. “Why that funeral face?” I ask her then, noticing the expression full of anguish painted on her face.

“Clarke, I...” she mutters, trying to stop me from crossing the threshold.

“Raven, that's not funny.” I tell her, pushing her. “Mom, we are he-...”. Words die in my mouth. Finn is sitting on the couch in the living room and is lovingly chatting with my mom and Marcus. When he sees me, he gives me a creepy look, as if he was pleased to see me in that state of obvious difficulty.

“Hi Clarke.” he greets me. I feel my breath getting more and more worked up. I turn to Raven, who looks at me with a guilty gaze.

“I'm sorry, I couldn't send him away.” he explains.

“What does that mean? Clarke, I thought you weren't together anymore.” Lexa says, as confused as I am.

“And that’s so.” I assure her, taking her hands between mine. “What are you doing here, Finn?” I ask, finally. He grins at me and, standing up, he steps towards me. Behind him, Marcus and my mother are paralyzed.

“You said there was no one else.” he starts, glaring at Lexa.

“There wasn’t when we talked by the phone, I can swear to you.” I defend myself. “Finn, I know I hurt you, but we couldn't go on like this.”

“No, you're right. Stupid me who came here to show you that I want to change and that I'm sorry for how I treated you while I was in France."

“Finn, I think it's time for you to leave.” Raven admonishes him, taking him by the sleeve of his jacket. He wiggles free and shakes his head. He stares at me, perhaps waiting for me having a reaction or a second thought. I bow my head, unable to sustain his gaze. Next to me, Lexa is waiting for me to say or do something, but right now I would just like to turn around and run away as far as possible. No, I can't, I know that well. I raise my gaze, crossing Finn's hard one.

“We need to talk.”
   
“Finn, what's on your mind? You can't show up here at my mother's house, out of the blue.” I start. We are in the kitchen alone and I don’t feel completely comfortable about this.

“I just wanted to understand why, Clarke. We were great together, or this is what I thought. You left me giving me who knows what explanations and assuring me that you weren't doing it because there was someone else. And yet, it seems to me that you and that Lexa are rather, how to say, intimate.”

“Leave Lexa out of this story, Finn.” I get nervous. “I told you, I needed something else. We weren't good together, we did nothing but hurt each other. I was using you to anesthetize the pain, not to create something.”

“Create something? Clarke, what the heck are you talking about? We were having fun, what more do you want?” he asks me, without understanding. It's not his fault, it's that he doesn't have the ability to look further than his nose. Finn is simply an empty person, with no needs, no future. And that's exactly why I was with him. I needed to annihilate myself, not to feel anything anymore. Or, at least, that's what I thought. Lately, I realized that what I really needed was anything but that. I needed to find myself, to realize that I, like everyone else, deserve happiness.

“Finn, we have known each other for how long, five years?”

“Yes, that's right. And we've been together for one and a half, even if we've been dating for three.”. I shake my head. I don't know how to put into words what I feel without hurting him.

“I know you can't understand, but... There comes a time in life when you discover that you want more than the empty, purposeless life you're living. You're a good guy, Finn. You deserve more than me.” I tell him, stroking his cheek. “I'm sorry.”. He nods. He is accepting defeat. He sighs and rubs his neck. He is about to get out of the kitchen, when I see him stop and look at some photos placed on the cabinet next to the fridge. He takes one in his hand and looks at it, in disbelief. I swallow empty when I realize what photo it is. I'm sweating cold.

“Clarke, why is there a picture of Costia at your mother's house? I didn't think they knew each other.” he asks.

“Oh, well, she...”

“Wait, did you know Costia?” Lexa asks, entering the kitchen all of a sudden. I would like to disappear. I'm in total panic, I don't know what to do.

“No, I...” I try to lie, but Finn interrupts me.

“Of course they knew each other, they were dating four years ago. Nothing too serious I think, right Clarke? She was nice though, too bad you two broke up in such a bad way.”. In front of me, Lexa is staring at me, her mouth wide open. “Did I say something wrong?”

“Finn, shut up.” I intimate him, but it's too late now. “Lex...”

“No, Clarke. Please tell me that's not what I think." Lexa pleads me, in tears. I feel nausea making its way into me. I would like to vomit here, now. I look around, searching for a way out that, however, doesn’t exist. Raven and my mother are staring at me, speechless. And, in the end, despite all my efforts, the truth is out. I spent four years annihilating myself to allow Lexa to live a happy life, but in the end it didn't help. To date, I have had no other purpose. Maybe Raven is right, maybe for Lexa I've always felt something special, but the truth is that now it doesn't matter anymore. I'm going to destroy her, to annihilate her completely. I'm about to reveal to her that the life she has spent in the last four years has been just a tumble of lies. I don't think there is anything more terrible. And the worst thing is that I am responsible for all this.

“Clarke, say something, please.” she begs me and I feel like I'm fainting. I raise my head and my gaze crashes with her green eyes, which betray the confusion of who only wants the answers to their questions not to be the ones they are about to receive.

“Lex, I didn't know...”

“What didn't you know, Clarke?” I take a deep breath and step back, until I lean against the wall.

“I... I met her at a party. I don't even remember whose place we were at, the fact is that I saw her sitting all alone, clearly uncomfortable. One thing led to another and... I didn't know it was her, Lex. You never introduced her to me and...”

“So now it is my fault? I remind you that you never came home and to send you a picture just to let you know what face she had well, it didn’t seem the right thing to do! In hindsight, I should have done it, though.”

“No, wait.” I try to calm her anger. “I didn't mean that. I simply had no idea who she was. She introduced herself as a literature student who had a big project at stake that would change her life, nothing more. I knew she was originally from Boston, but I couldn't imagine it was your... Lex, I'm sorry!". Lexa has shaken her head all the time, in tears. My mother holds her to herself, trying to give her some comfort that, at this moment, it is impossible for her to find. Raven is staring at me, in her eyes a mix of disbelief and deep disappointment.

“How long... How long did it go on?” Lexa finds the strength to ask me.

“A month and a half. It was morning and she had just gone to take a shower. I heard her phone ringing, I took it to answer and read your name on the screen. When I realized it all, I felt like a worm. I tried to face her, but I didn't make it. I ran away from the hotel and never saw her again. When a few months later you asked me to be the maid of honor, I promised to tell you the truth, but I wasn't able to. I felt like crap, an ignoble being.”

“That's why you left.” my mother realizes. I nod. I can't even cry.

“You let me marry her, despite what she had done to me!” Lexa yells at me.

“I didn't... I tried!” I retort. “I tried.” I repeat, the voice broken by sobs. I sink my face into my hands, letting myself go, finally, to a desperate cry. In front of me, Lexa is staring at me with an empty look, without saying any word. Raven takes a step towards me and caresses my back, hesitant. I don't know how such a gesture is possible for her right now, I don't deserve it. I don't deserve anything.

“On your wedding day I came to Polis. I was ready to confess the truth, but then...”

“Then?” Lexa urges me to keep talking, the voice now devoid of any emotion.

“Then I saw you, Lex. You were so happy, I didn't... I was a coward. I'm sorry.”. Lexa shakes her head. She wriggles herself free from Abby's grasp and steps towards me. She raises my chin with her fingers, forcing me to look at her in the face.

“You came back into my life, pretending nothing happened. You've spent time with my son, allowing him to get attached to you.” she starts.

“Lex...”

“No, Clarke, let me finish. You have hidden the truth from me for four years, as the real coward you are. You make me sick.”. I bow my head, unable to sustain her gaze. Out of the corner of my eye, I see her taking Aden by the hand and running away. The truth sets you free, they say. Free to drown among your sins.
    
“And so you leave again, huh?” Bellamy scolds me. I finish loading my luggage in the car and, in all honesty, I can't wait to leave.

“I can't do otherwise. I'm sorry, Bell.”. He smiles at me, with a tenderness that I didn't think could belong to him. “Take care of her. I was unable to protect her and, in the end, in an attempt to avoid hurting her, I hurt her to death. I need to know that she will be fine and that she will be able to count on you and the others.” I entrust Lexa to him. Bellamy nods and hugs me. I let myself be cradled by him, trying in vain to hold back the tears.

“Just tell me one thing. Why Jasper? Why did he know?” he asks me.

“When I came back to confess the truth to Lexa, Jasper saw me. In that moment, I needed to open up to someone and he was there, for me. I had already decided to leave and I knew he would have understood without judging me. I knew he would have let me free to do what I wanted even though he didn't agree with me.” I explain. Bellamy nods silently. He sighs. He caresses my cheek and snaps a kiss on my forehead. He is about to tell me something else, but he is interrupted by my mother's arrival. He tells me goodbye and leaves me to her, while behind me Raven finishes loading the car.

“I know I'm a disappointment, you don't need to tell me.”. My mother holds me tight and kisses my head.

“You're not, Clarke. Just, my heart cries to know that you have carried this weight alone all this time.”. She puts a strand of hair behind my ear and looks at me, gently. “I know you're going back to Los Angeles, but I want you to know that the door is always open here. I love you, Clarke. You are my daughter and I will always love you.”. I can't resist any longer and burst into tears. We stay like this, in each other's arms, for I don't know how long, until I pull away.

“I have to go now.” I mutter.

“I know. I love you.” she tells me. I tell her goodbye one last time and get in the car. I fasten my belt and turn to Raven.

“Do you hate me?” I ask her.

“Clarke, no. Just, I need time to let this whole thing sink in. I know your intentions were good, I know you just wanted to protect her, but I can't and I don't want to justify you. And yet, I will continue to love you. You're my best friend, Clarke, and you won't get rid of me so easily.” she claims, starting the car. We have just left when Jasper stood in front of it, forcing Raven to hit the brakes.

“Are you out of your mind?” she yells at him.

“Yes. I mean, no, I'm not. Clarke, wait, I need to give you something!" I open the car door and look at him, confused. He approaches me and hands me a CD.

“What is it?” I ask him.

“It's the EP, Clarke. I know that even if I told you not to leave, you would do it anyway. I can't stop you, but I can try to remind you that you deserve to be happy too. This EP is proof of that. Never forget it.". I sigh. I turn the CD in my hands, again on the verge of crying. I hug Jasper, holding him tight to me.

“I love you, Jas.” I mutter.

“Me too, Clarke. Me too.” And, as I get lost in that hug, I wonder if Jasper is right or not. I think back to Lexa. She deserves to be happy, while I, well... I'm not sure. I just know that, right now, neither of us is happy. And I would give my life for her to be. I get back in the car and watch Polis get smaller and smaller. Raven drives in silence and I lean with my head to the window, unable to do anything. I was deluded that I could find myself and rediscover my worth. And yet, as I leave Polis behind me, the truth makes its way in me. Six years ago, I ran away in remorse and despair, going scorched earth around me. Today, after so long, the same thing happens again. Is this my destiny? I have no idea, unfortunately. I just know that me leaving is the only way for Lexa to be happy. And, for me, there is nothing more important in the world.

----- CHAPTER BREAK -----

26.

And it feels like I don't have a place now

'Cause I don't connect with anyone who found a way out

And when I'm up, I'm just waiting for the takedown

Will my fear of living life ever die out?

(Josh A-Anxious)

The sun filters through the curtains, forcing me to wake up. I take the phone from the bedside table and check the time. 3:20 pm, considering that at four o'clock I would have to be at ABC to record an episode of the Charmain Diyoza Show I would say it's time for me to get ready. I yawn and stretch, then get up and go to the bathroom. I look in the mirror, with disgust. I went to bed at ten this morning and I can't stand up. I wash my face and comb my hair. My phone keeps ringing, a sign that Raven must have already arrived at the studios. I try to appeal to the few energies I have and force myself to go back to the bedroom and choose something to wear. Eventually I put on a random dress and, putting on a pair of sunglasses to hide the dark circles, I leave the house. Raven is waiting for me on the street, her back leaning against the door of a rather shabby cab.
“Were they running out of limousines?” I start, rude. Raven shakes her head, trying in every way not to reply to me in a bad way.

“Get in, we're late.” she just says, sitting in the front seat. I comply, without saying any word. Since we have returned to Polis, the relationship between the two of us has cooled down somewhat. Not because what she found out about me, but because of how I reacted coming back to Los Angeles. I completely closed myself to the outside world. I live hidden in my house, alienated from everything and everyone. I do not go to parties, I do not attend evenings of any kind and, unless my presence is fundamental, I categorically refuse to attend any social event. I lost interest in anything, even music. I no longer have a purpose, nor stimulus. I go on out of inertia, out of mere habit. I spend the evenings drinking and crying, with no expectations or prospects. There is no future for me, no promise of happiness. Not after what I did.

“Clarke, do you think you can bear an interview or do I have to cancel it?” Raven asks, bringing me back to reality.

“I guess Lightbourne wouldn't like to know that I decided to skip the Charmaine Diyoza Show, Rae.” I claim. My friend snorts, visibly upset by my answer. We continue the rest of the drive in silence, until we arrive at our destination. ABC studies today make me more uncomfortable than usual, I don't know why. I head to the dressing rooms and let the makeup artist get me ready for broadcast. I am not in control of my body, I am simply doing what they’re asking me.

“Clarke, I can still pretend there was a setback.” Raven insists.

“Rae, leave me alone.” I reply in a bad way. She shakes her head and is about to tell me something, but she changes her mind.

“See you later.” she hisses, and then walks out of the dressing room, more angry than anything. I curse myself for my behavior, but I don't react, nor do I try to stop her. At the end of the day, it's better that way. Maybe my destiny is to be alone, nothing else. And I just can't understand how I could have deluded myself otherwise.
   “So Clarke, we were told that you chose to work at 100 in a particular place. Do you want to talk about it?” Diyoza asks me. I wasn't ready for questions like that. I nervously smile, trying to buy some time.
“Yes, I needed peace and so my team and I decided to record the new album in my hometown, in Polis.” I answer.

“And what was it like working at home? You haven’t been there for a long time, have you?" Diyoza insists.

“Yes, for a while. It was...” I bite my lip, trying to hold back my tears. “It was intense.” I just say and I can clearly notice the grin painted on Diyoza's face, so pleased that she put me in a spot. Journalists, always interested in squeezing you to the bone in order to earn as much as possible.

“Well, let's talk a little bit about the record. It’s going to be one of the albums of the year, it must be a good feeling. Well, until a few years ago you were completely unknown, in a short time you climbed the charts. From a small northern town to the dominance of the world music scene, not bad.”

“Yeah.” I mutter. Diyoza peers at me, waiting for me to say something else. And yet, nothing comes out of my mouth, at all.

“Well, maybe it’s better we take a little break. Dear viewers, see you after the commercial.” Diyoza tries to save the situation, while she glares at me. She is a tall, imposing woman. Her talk show is one of the most watched in the world and being interviewed by her is both an honor and a curse. The guests for her are nothing more than a source of income and she often enjoys putting them specifically in a spot, a way that allows her to increase ratings and maintain a certain power within the entertainment world. She loves to see us artists fall, fail. And I'm giving her exactly what she wants.

“Clarke, are you okay?” Raven helps me, worried. I nod, but it's obvious that I'm not telling the truth. Raven crouches in front of me and caresses my cheek, tenderly.

“I want to go home.” I mutter, bursting into tears. I cling to her, sinking my face into her shirt. I'm staining her clothes with mascara, but I don't care. I need someone right now and I can't let her leave. Rationally, I know she would never do that, but the fear of being wrong is too much.

“I think it's better to suspend the interview.” she states. Diyoza bursts out laughing and I feel like I'm dying. I cling even more to Raven, striving not to vomit.

“We've signed contracts, she can't leave like that.”

“Miss Diyoza, with all due respect, I don't think it's possible to continue.” Raven insists.

“Fine. I'll ask Lightbourne for the bill though.” Diyoza replies.

“Do as you like. Goodbye.” my friend cuts short, helping me get up and getting me out of there. Only when we finally find ourselves out of the studios do I start to calm down.

“Clarke, breathe. It's okay.” Raven tries to reassure me.

“That's not true, don't lie to me. It's not okay and you know that very well.". My friend bows her head, defeated. I am right and she is aware of it. We sit on the ground, on the sidewalk. It is now September and the air has cooled down, despite the fact that the temperature is still quite warm.

“How are you doing with Anya?” I ask, out of the blue.

“We’re fine. We manage to hang out every weekend. I wish I could be more with her, but it's not possible for now.” Raven answers.

“Do you ever see...”

“Yes.” she says, anticipating me. I bite my lip, undecided whether or not to ask the question that is buzzing in my head. I take a deep breath, looking in front of me. And, finally, I take a decision.

“Does she ever ask about me?”. Raven runs a hand through her hair, looking for words that can hurt me as little as possible. “Okay, I get it.”

“No, Clarke. Listen to me, Lexa is hurt and very confused, but I'm sure she still cares about you, deep down.”

“You said it right, deep down.” I reply, with a grimace. Raven sighs and affectionately caresses my back.

“You know, for a while I really believed I could be happy. I've never felt as alive as when I was with her. And do you know what the funniest part is? That it would be so easy to blame Finn, but the truth is that I'm the one who ruined everything. I shouldn't have gotten back into her life, I should never have gotten closer to her. I had promised myself that I would have kept at a distance, that I would have done everything to make him hate me. It was the only way for her to be happy.”. Raven gazes at me, her eyes full of judgment. She doesn't agree with what I’ve just said, it's obvious.

“Clarke, that's the dumbest thing I've ever heard. Lexa would never have been happy hating you. Not to mention the fact that you allowed her to live a lie for four years.”. I bow my head. I feel misunderstood.

“I didn't want to hurt her. I... I didn't know how to behave.”

“I know.” Raven claims. “I know, Clarke. But now what’s done is done and I think it's time to react.”

“React?” I snap. “Rae, I have to disappear. Everything I touch dies or turns into stone. First my father, then my music, then Wells and now Lexa. I destroy everything, that’s all I do!”

“Clarke...” Raven tries to calm me down, in vain.

“No, let me go. You know what? Stay away from me, Rae! It's best for you!”. I'm on the verge of crying, completely out of control. I get up and and I'm about to run away, but Raven stops me grabbing me by the wrist.

“Clarke, please...” she begs me, but I don't listen to her. I wriggle free from her grip and run away, without looking back. Loneliness, yes. It’s everything I deserve.
   
It's evening now. I don't know how long I've been wandering the city, I don't have the slightest idea. The street lamps light the wide avenue I'm walking, revealing a side of Los Angeles that I didn't know, more familiar. Human beings move around me, sometimes with a purpose and sometimes without. It's amazing how the world goes on despite the pain that grips my chest. In this moment, I just want it to stop and perceive my wounds, to live them with me. God, how selfish I am. I wonder if, perhaps, it is the carelessness of the world that exacerbates the pain I feel. It's like I feel a disproportion between what I should feel and what I actually feel. From time to time I have a hard time breathing, my wounds are so deep. I don't sleep at night and the reality around me seems impalpable, just a dreamlike dimension of which I will never be a part. But the world doesn't care about all that. You are always alone with your pain, I have to keep that in mind.

“Ma’am, watch out!” I hear a voice shouting. I turn around, but I don't have time to move. I find myself on the ground, in pain. When I look up, I jerk. This isn’t possible. In front of me there is a man I know too well and that I hoped I would have never met again in my entire life. Not because he did something to me, no. Quite the opposite, instead.

“Clarke Griffin!” he exclaims, amazed. I step back, trying to run away. As if I could. Right now, I'm nothing more than a worm, it's obvious to me. I crawl on this sidewalk, unable to do anything else. I crawl on this sidewalk because I don't remember how to stand up anymore.

“Clarke, wait! I don't want to hurt you." he stops me. I close my eyes, letting tears wet my cheeks. I'm not able to look at him in the face. He helps me stand up and holds me to him. I can't hold back anymore, it doesn't make any sense to repress everything I’m hiding inside me. I burst into a desperate cry, without any restraint.

“Clarke come here, let’s go inside.” he proposes to me and I don't even try to resist. I follow him, step by step, like a robot. We enter a rather small, but comfortable apartment.

“Sorry for the mess, I wasn't expecting guests. Feel free to sit here.” he tells me, pointing to the old green couch in the middle of the living room.

“What can I offer you? Not that I have much. There should be some fruit juice somewhere and...”

“Water is fine, Mr. Jaha.”. These are the first words I've been able to pronounce since I met him. The man hands me a glass full of water and sits next to me. I finish drinking and sigh. I look up, hesitating. Thelonius Jaha, the father of Wells Jaha, is here next to me. Well, I'm the one being at his house. I haven't seen him since his son died. I didn't even go to the funeral, as the true coward I am. I expect to read disgust and hatred in his eyes, but to my surprise I don't find any of this in his dark irises, just a deep affection that I have no idea where it comes from.

“How are you?” he asks me. It's a simple question, yet it hits me in the stomach like a punch. How am I doing? I don't think there are words that can explain it. I feel… Desperate? Depressed? With no longer a purpose to move forward? Full of guilt? Yes, that too.

“Empty.” I answer, I don't even know why. “I'm sorry.” I mutter then, biting my lip to avoid more tears that, however, come out anyway.

“Clarke.” Jaha calls me, forcing me to look at him in the eyes. “It wasn't your fault.”

“That's not true. I was the one who decided to walk that shortcut. I was the target of the pickpocketing. Wells, he...”

“He protected you. And you, Clarke, have to keep that in mind. Wells did it because he loved you.”

“Wells died because he loved me, Jaha. Because of me you lost your son." I reply, but the man in front of me shakes his head, in disagree.

“I'm proud of Wells, Clarke. That night you could both have died and instead you're here, alive. I don't know why fate wanted to separate me from my son so soon, but I deeply believe he would like you to be happy.” he claims.

“I destroy everything I touch. I...”. I take a deep breath. “When I went to Los Angeles, I couldn't stop thinking about my father. We had had a fight that night and I had run away from home, not thinking about the consequences of my actions. My father decided to come and look for me, despite the rain. My mother was at the hospital and found him in front of her, in critical condition. There was nothing she could have done. I destroyed my family, I destroyed yours and now I also destroyed the one of the only person who made me feel deserving of happiness. I just wish I could escape as far as possible, so I could save you all from my presence.”. I don't know with what courage I'm telling him all this, I probably just need someone to really open up to for once. Jaha smiles at me, almost fatherly.
“You know Clarke, maybe that's the problem. You can't keep running away. Sometimes staying pays off more, you may find that what you think of yourself is completely wrong.”. I don't understand the point. “You are alive, Clarke Griffin. You've suffered so much, you've lost so much, but you're still here. Live, Clarke. Not for Wells, not for your father, but for you. You say you want to save us from your presence, but the truth is that it is your absence that weighs. You are loved and you’re loved so much, don't let all this count for nothing, because it's not true. You may not see it, but you deserve to be happy. Wells knew that, that's why he protected you that night. And I'm sure it's the same reason why your father went out looking for you.”. I open my mouth to reply, but I can't create any meaningful sentence. I have never thought it this way. You don't always have to run away, Lexa's voice resonates in my head, all of a sudden. I wish I could listen to it, but I'm not ready yet. Still, I don't get up from this couch, I don't get out of this house. And, while an almost unreal silence falls between me and Jaha, I can't help but think of Lexa and her words. You don't always have to run away, Clarke. And maybe it's true.

----- CHAPTER BREAK -----

27.

And I'm sorry it took me so long to get to you

Now the sky's turning colors

But I know you're watching it too

(June Divided-If You Were Here)

“Clarke, are you ready? Soon it will be your turn."

“Don't worry Mr. Lightbourne, I just have to sing, don't I?” I reply. “It’s nothing I haven't done before.” Lightbourne peers at me, confused. He’d probably like me to be a little more excited, but I just can't.

“Listen to me, you've been great these months and the record is selling so well. Performing here at Sanctum Fest is important for your career and my record company. Please, you know what to do.”. He taps my shoulder and leaves, allowing me to breathe a sigh of relief. I shake my head. This dressing room I'm in is so narrow. No, the dressing room isn’t the problem. I sit before the mirror. I look at my reflection. Are you happy Clarke? What do your eyes tell you? I’m staring at my blue irises. They are off, so empty. I wish I could cry, but I'm not able to do that either.

“Clarke, hey. Are you all right?” Murphy asks me. He is with Raven and I have no idea how long he's been here.

“I... Yes, I was getting ready.” I answer. Raven sighs and sternly glances at me, a sign that she has realized that I'm lying. I look away, hoping that they leave me alone.

“Do you want to check the setlist again?” Murphy offers me, but I shake my head in no. The truth is I really don't want to think about what I'm going to sing in ten minutes.

“Don’t worry, I have everything under control.” I answer, then I sit down again and finish getting ready. I just want them to leave me alone. I need it.

“Well, I’m going. See you at the end of the concert, good luck.”

“See you later, Murphy.” I tell him goodbye, without even turning around. “Shouldn't you go with him?” I ask Raven. Instead of following him, she is here, leaning against the wall, staring at me with a worried look.

“Rae, I'm fine, I just have to finish my makeup.” I insist. In response, she punches the wall and steps towards me, clearly annoyed.

“Enough, Clarke! Please stop it!" she starts. I swallow, surprised by such a reaction.

“Rae...”

"No, no more bullshit. I'm tired Clarke. I can't take it anymore, I can't go on like this. You're self-destructing and I don't want to take part in such a mess.”. I shake my head, unable to reply. “I know you think you don't deserve anything anymore, but it’s not true”

“But it is, Rae. And, even if it wasn't, I just don't know how to make it up for all the mistakes I've made.”. Raven puts her hands in her pocket and pulls out a set of keys and a CD. She rests them on the cabinet in front of the mirror and looks at me, serious.

“What does it mean?” I ask, confused. I play with the CD in my hands, wondering what it is. After several seconds, I recognize it. I jolt, surprise. I thought I threw it away.

“But this is...”

“Your EP, yes. I took it out of the trash can as soon as I saw you threw it away.”. I can't hold back my tears anymore, it would be useless. “You know, there's more truth in that record than in all your latest work. I know Murphy will fire me for this, but I want you to go back to being yourself, Clarke. You deserve it.”

“Rae...”

“No, it's fine. I parked next to the limousine, in the reserved parking lot. I've already filled up, but I think you'll still have to stop sooner or later, so here's some money for...”

“Rae, I can't. I need to get on that stage soon and...” I try to protest, but she won't let me go on.

"Clarke, do you listen to me when I talk? The only thing you need to do is try to find yourself. You deserve to be happy, nothing else.”

“But you will be fired!” I reply. I see her frowning, decidedly annoyed. The truth is, I'm terrified. I know what I need, but I'm scared to find out I don't deserve it.

“Clarke, you are worth more than my job. I'll find another one.”. I hug her and find myself crying on her shoulder.

“I love you.” I whisper.

“Me too, Griffin.” she responds. “And now go, before Lightbourne come picks you up.”. I get changed, removing those ridiculous clothes they forced me to wear in favor of a T-shirt, a pair of jeans and a sweatshirt from an unspecified band. I grab the keys and go out into the corridor, careful not to be seen by any member of the crew. I hear the screams and applause of the fans invoking my name out loud. I'm sorry to disappoint them, but I also know that I can't go on like this. It's not fair. For the first time in years I'm running away yes, but to never run away again. And it's so liberating.
   
I have been traveling for several hours now. Around me, the landscape has completely changed. I'm driving up the coast and I've now arrived in Monterey. I decide to stop and observe the nocturnal landscape. The ocean. I think there is nothing more immense, magnificent and terrible at the same time. The waves shatter on the rocks, while the dark water becomes one with the sky. I smile, as I think back to one of the many summers spent together with Lexa. We should have been twelve or thirteen years old and my father had insisted on taking us to the sea right here in Monterey, with a camper. Besides me and Lexa there were also Anya and Jasper, after all. It was late at night and we got a flat tire. It was raining heavily and between lightning and thunder I was terrified. It was then that Lexa took me by the hand and forced me to look out. I had never seen anything like that before. I don't think there are words that can describe the majesty of the stormy ocean. I only know that as I got lost in those huge waves that, illuminated by lightnings, tried to chase the roar of thunders, I felt an unprecedented feeling of fullness. Only now can I understand. I am like those waves. I am a stormy ocean, destined to chase the roar of thunders, restless. Yet, while I was there, hand in hand with Lexa, I had managed to experience a few moments of peace. I just wish I could feel it again. That's all I ask for. I sigh. Today the sky is clear and the moon shines high among the stars. There are no thunders, no lightnings and the waves are not so high. I close my eyes for a few moments. A slight breeze caresses my face, with sweetness. I savor these last moments and then decide to go back in the car, to continue the journey. I am still entitled to about fifteen hours of travel, traffic permitting. I start the car and leave. I say a last goodbye to the ocean, aware that I will soon continue the journey through the hinterland of the country. I will see the mountains again. I will see Lexa again. And, perhaps, I will find peace.
   
The sunrise. How long haven’t I stopped to admire the sunrise. The sun comes from behind the mountains and lights the road and the woods that surround it. I made a brief stop in the parking lot of a gas station, just to regain my strength. I tried to sleep for a couple of hours, quite in vain. I get out of the car and breathe deeply. I am almost up to Yosemite National Park and the temptation to visit it is quite strong. I was six years old the last time I came here. It was my mother's idea, she wanted to celebrate Jasper's birthday in a different way. I remember the waterfalls and the Half Dome standing out on our heads. I have never seen anything like it in Polis either.

“Hey, miss.”. I turn around. A man in his seventies is staring at me, with a curious gaze.

“Hello.” I greet him, trying to understand his intentions. He approaches me and reaches out to me.

“My name is Carl Powell and I am the owner of the gas station. I saw that you slept in the parking lot, would you like to come inside and have breakfast? I‘ve just prepared some coffee.”. I bite my lip, undecided whether or not to accept his offer. In the end I give in and follow him inside. He makes me sit down and gives me a cup of coffee and a donut.

“I don't know if I can...”

“Oh, come on, it's chocolate flavored. Who can't eat a chocolate donut?” he insists. I smile nervously and give up. I have to admit it, it's delicious.

“So, what brings you here, miss...”

“Griffin. Clarke Griffin.” I answer. I don't care if he recognizes me, I don't feel like hiding anymore. However, when I understand that he doesn't associate my name with a known face, I breathe a sigh of relief.

“Well, I was saying, what brings you here? Tourism?”

“No, even though I'd like to. I'm on the road, I am headed to the Arkadia region. I'm from Los Angeles, but I stopped in Monterey.” I explain. The man looks at me confused and how can I blame him?Stopping by the coast I lengthened the route considerably. Still, I needed it. I had to see the ocean again. I spent the last years of my life trying to forget who I am, but now I want to change. I want to remember everything, my mistakes, my happy moments, my hard times and my successes. It's the only way to escape the nothingness that pervades my life.

“Nomade?” he asks me. I smile amused and shake my head in no.

“I'm on my way home. I'm originally from Polis.” I answer. Powell nods and pours me some more coffee.

“I remember Polis, I was there once a long time ago. Nice place.”

“Yeah.” I confirm. “But I realized it too late.” I claim.

“It's never too late. It sounds like a cliché, but it's not.”. I shake my head.

“In my case, I don't know. I have made too many mistakes, Mr. Powell. I'm trying to make up for them, but I don't think I can do it.” I reply.

“Well, that's why you’re on the road, isn't it? To find out.”. I raise my eyebrows, taken off guard. “You know, I'm not from here. I'm from Kansas. When I was about your age, I argued heavily with my brother. I ran away and ended up here, in Yosemite. I never had the courage to go back and tell him I was sorry. I admire you, Miss Griffin.”. I remain silent, unable to reply. I check the time. I definitely have to leave.

“It's time for me to go.” I announce. “Thank you for the breakfast and... Well, and the rest.”

“You’re welcome.” the man replies. “Whoever it is, the person you’re going to is lucky.” I jolt.

“Excuse me? I don't...”

“Your eyes don't lie. Go back to them, Miss Griffin. Go back to the person you love.”. I take a deep breath, trying to hold back the tears.

“It's not too late for you either, Mr. Powell. Keep that in mind." I tell him, and then run to the car. I get in the car and start the engine. The sky is so blue, there is not even a cloud. I decide to turn on the stereo and listen to my EP. I insert the CD and play the first track. My cover of Tracy Chapman's Fast Car hits me, taking my breath away.

You got a fast car

Is it fast enough so we can fly away?

Still gotta make a decision

Leave tonight or live and die this way

And I made my decision.   
I've been in the car for almost five hours. It's almost noon and I decide to stop at the first rest area I find and have lunch. I have just passed Reno and finally arrived in Nevada, leaving California behind me. The journey to Polis is still very long and I'm starting to get very tired. I keep driving for a half an hour, until I finally find a rest area. I cover myself with sunglasses, a beanie and the hood of the sweatshirt and get out of the car. I buy a sandwich and some water and sit on the sidewalk in front of the store. Although it's not as good as the mountain one, I try to breathe some air, I've had enough of sitting in the car. I turn on the phone, just so I can text Raven and let her know that I'm fine. I’d have a hundred missed calls and text messages from Lightbourne and Murphy. I decide to ignore them and finish eating. After going to the bathroom, I leave again. I keep driving more or less non-stop to Twin Falls, Idaho. There are six hours left to Helena and another two and a half to Polis. I would like to continue, but I choose to stop and find a hotel for the night. It's now about eight o'clock and I'm starving. Eventually I find an old hotel and decide to ask for a room there. I have dinner on the street with a hot dog and take a tour of the city. Twin Falls is famous for the Shoshone Falls, a truly incredible waterfall complex. Lost in my thoughts, I keep walking. I stop to watch a guy playing along the way. He's really good. I throw some money into the guitar case and smile at him. He should recognize me, because he jolts.

“But you are...”

“Please, be quiet.” I stop him. He nods and looks around. There is practically no one around, so we start chatting. He asks me if we can take a picture and I gladly accept.

“My friends will never believe it.” he claims. “My name is Ilian Forest. It's an honor to meet you.” he introduces himself.

“The pleasure is all mine. You're really great.”

“It's the last night I spend here. I'm leaving for Los Angeles tomorrow, they offered me a contract.” I nod, happy for him. He reminds me of myself a few years ago. I had so many expectations of Hollywood. Well, I would say it didn't go exactly as I hoped.

“Any advice? I mean, how can I be like you?" I sigh.

“It’s better you not, trust me.” I answer. “Never forget where you come from and who you are. And don't use music as a way to run from your problems, it doesn't lead to anything good. Let it be what keeps you alive instead.” I tell him. He looks at me a little confused, but doesn't reply.

“I hope I can listen to an album of yours soon.” I leave, and then head to the hotel, in complete silence. I look up at the sky. The stars are so beautiful. And, all of a sudden, anguish fades.
  My heart is in my throat. I never thought of coming back here, where it all started. Polis, my home. What is home? I don't have a real answer. I think it's the place where we can be ourselves, without filters, without lies. I take a deep breath and get out of the car. My hands are shaking, but I have to do it. I haven't visited my father in more than six years, since I left for Hollywood.
“Hi Dad.” I mutter, but I can't say anything else. I burst into tears, without any more restraint.

“I love you.” I can finally say, as I wipe my tears. “I'm back and this time I want to stay. I'm sorry I ran away. At the end of the day, all my life I've done nothing but run away. I ran away from you, from my feelings, from my friends, from the truth, from everything. You know, I'm so tired, Dad. I just wish I could go back and do it all over again, but I know it's not possible. Now all I have to do is try to make up for all the mistakes I made. I want to be honest, for once. Especially with her, because that's what she deserves.”. I feel empty and tears have started to wet my cheeks again, but I don't care. “I'll be back, I promise. See you soon.” I kiss the palm of my hand and caress the tombstone and then go back to the car. I open the car door and I’m about to get inside when someone calls me. That voice. My heart is pounding in my chest, non-stop. I turn around, slowly.

“Clarke, what the heck are you doing here?”. Two green eyes peers at me, so surprised and sad at the same time. My heart skips a beat. I let her look at me, as only she can do. I let her irises penetrate me, let them cross my soul. That's all I need right now. I sigh. I can't back down anymore, not at this point. It wouldn't make sense.

“Hi Lexa, how are you?”

----- CHAPTER BREAK -----

28.

You're the only place I call home.

Near or far, where you are is where I want to be

(Every Avenue-Only Place I Call Home)

“Hi Lexa, how are you?”. I think I’ve just asked the most stupid question in history. Lexa bursts out laughing in front of me, blatantly to avoid punching me. I can’t blame her.

“How do you think I am?” she replies. I bow my head, full of shame. I just wish I could go back in time and change my past. I sigh. It is not possible and unfortunately I am well aware of it.

“Lex...”

“No Clarke, don’t Lex me. I can’t believe the audacity to show up here!". She is furious. “Maybe you'd better leave.”

“Lex, please...” I try to insist, in vain. She waves her hands in the air, in anger and turmoil. God, what have I done? What have I turned her into?

“You know what? I'm leaving. Yes, I think it's better this way, I’ll come visit Jake tomorrow.”. She is about to leave, but I stop her by the wrist. She tries to wriggle herself free from my grip, but I don’t let her go. Not this time.

“Let me go!” she yells at me. I shake my head.

“Please, I just want you to listen to me. I’m beginning you.”. I see her rolling her eyes and taking a deep breath.

“Why should I?” she asks, finally. Her question is a punch in the stomach. Yeah, why should she?

“I could tell you that it's because I traveled for three days just to come here or because it's about me or because I know that deep down you're curious to know what I need to tell you, but the truth is that none of these reasons are valid. There are no reasons why you should, but also why you shouldn't. I just know I can't go on like this, I can't keep everything inside. I don't want to burst again.”. Lexa looks at me, thorn in two. I understand her, here we are well beyond the second chance. I myself wouldn't know what to do either.

“What does your manager think? Did he tell you to come back here again?”

“He doesn't even know where I am. To be honest, Raven no one knows apart from Raven.” I answer. She seems impressed by my words. She sighs.

“Fine.” she gives in. “I'm listening.”

“Thank you.” I mutter.

“Don't thank me, Clarke. Try to hurry up, instead. Aden is waiting for me at home.”. I nod and lean against the car. Suddenly, everything I was going to tell her vanishes from my mind. I don't remember any of the words I wanted to use anymore. Considering that I used to write songs, the situation is absurd.

“Clarke, I'm not kidding. If you have to tell me something, you better do it right now. I have no time to waste.” Lexa urges me. I raise my gaze, allowing our eyes to clash for the umpteenth time. I open my mouth to talk, but all that comes out of it is a choked hiccup. I force myself not to burst into tears. Lexa is right, I have to be strong and tell her everything. I don't know if I will ever get her back in my life, but I need to let her know how much I care about her.

“Clarke, as much as I like staying outdoors, I really have to g-...”

“I've been to Monterey.” I start, interrupting her. She looks at me, raising her eyebrows.

“Well, it's a pretty well-known tourist destination, I don't see anything strange about it.” she replies. I shake my head.

“Two nights ago I was supposed to perform at Sanctum Fest. My album is going pretty well and going back to live singing would have been important for its promotion. Well, I've never climbed that stage, Lex. Raven came to me shortly before the concert and put me in front of the truth. I spent a whole life running away from everything that made me feel good, convinced that I didn't deserve it. I ran away from my feelings, my music, my friends, you. There is no point in living like this, I assure you.". Lexa looks at me, without saying a word. She signals to me to continue.

“I never wanted to hurt you, I swear. On the contrary, I tried to protect you.”

“And from who? From Costia? From the truth? I'm not a little girl, Clarke.”

“From me, Lex. God, when I found out in that hotel who the person I was dating was, I felt like a monster.” I try to explain to her.

“And why didn't you come to me right away? You allowed me to marry the person who was cheating on me!” she retorts. I run a hand through my hair. I feel nausea making its way into me. Luckily I didn't have breakfast this morning.

“I thought... As I told you, I came back here secretly, without telling anyone. I wanted to talk to you, I wanted to confess the truth to you. The whole truth.”. Now Lexa seems more confused than before. She can sense that I'm not just talking about Costia cheating on her.

“Clarke, what...”

“The point is, I didn't even know what the truth was. I only found it the other night, in Monterey. God, I feel like a perfect idiot.”. Lexa raises her hands, a sign that she is losing me.

“I give up. Clarke, either you tell me what the heck you're talking about or I'll leave.” she threatens me. I bite the inside of my cheek and almost burst out in tears while laughing. I feel so stupidly happy and sad at the same time.

“Do you remember our vacation in Monterey?” I ask.

“Of course I do. We popped our tyre and had to stop along the way, in the middle of the thunderstorm.” she responds, more and more confused.

“I was afraid of thunders and you stood by me, you pushed me to open my eyes and focus on the stormy sea, to admire that spectacle that was taking place in front of us, rather than thinking about what was terrifying me. It took me years to figure out what really happened that night, Lex. That's why I passed by Monterey before I came here.”

“Did you extend your trip by six hours?” She asks me, more and more exasperated. “What are you trying to tell me? Please talk.” she insists. I look at her, with all the tenderness I am capable of. Her eyes are peering at me, confused and frightened. I believe that, deep down, she knows very well what I want to confess to her. And it's understandable that she is scared. I'm terrified too of what I feel. I take a deep breath. I have to find the courage to speak.

“That night in Monterey I... I saw you for the first time. And I felt seen for the first time.”. She stares at me, motionless. She is paralyzed.

“Clarke...” she mutters.

“The truth is, I didn't come back to Polis on your wedding day to confess to you what Costia and I had done. Well, that too, but that's not what drove me to come here. Lex, I...”. I feel a lump in my throat. What I'm about to say will change everything, I know that well. And I'm aware that, in any case, it won't help me get Lexa back in my life. And yet, I have to talk. I have to be honest with myself, for once in my life. I need it.

“I love you. I've always loved you." I confess, finally. Lexa jolts. She rubs her neck, probably looking for the right answer to give me.

“Clarke, I... It doesn't make sense.”. she starts. “You say you love me, but you have disappeared hiding the truth from me for four years. I don't understand.”. I step forward towards her, but I dare not touch her. I smile at her.

“I was in the car when I saw you. You were beautiful, so happy. And there I realized that I didn't have the right to ruin everything. At the end of the day, if I had disappeared, nothing would have changed."

“But everything has changed instead!” Lexa replies. She has tears in her eyes.

“I know. I just wanted you to be happy, Lexa. I still want it.”. I’m crying too. I slowly approach her and caress her cheek, gently.

“I don't... Clarke, I can't.” she pulls away. “I can't be so weak again. Not for you. Not after all this.”

“I am aware of this and I accept it, Lex. I just want you to know that I'm not going to leave anymore. I don't have anything that ties me to Hollywood anymore.”. Lexa clearly wants to say something but she can't. She wipes her tears with the back of her hand and shakes her head. I snap a kiss on her cheek and smile at her.

“See you.” I say goodbye to her. Then I get back in the car and leave again, leaving her alone and utterly confused.
   
“Octavia, you're cheating!”

“I'm just lucky, Griffin.” she replies.

“Oh, enough. Come on, where are you hiding the cards?” Bellamy mocks her. He grabs her by the sleeve of her sweatshirt and shakes it, looking for evidence of her cheating.

“Bell, enough!” she protests, while me and the others laugh. I've been home for two weeks now and I've been living some of the best days of my life in years. My mother welcomed me with open arms and my friends were very happy to see me again. I went to the studio for a few days, just to have fun, without commitment. I recorded a couple of covers and started writing a song, but nothing really serious. I just want to enjoy life and try to figure out what I really want for myself. And that's why I haven’t answered any of the phone calls I get on a daily basis from Lightbourne and Murphy. From time to time I talk with Raven, even though I haven't been able to see her yet. For my safety, she decided to invite Anya to Los Angeles on the weekends. But, apart from her, I don't miss anything about my old life.

“While these two are killing each other, I'm going to get some water. Do you want some?" Jasper asks me.

“I'm coming with you.” I answer him. We get up and go to the kitchen. He fills the jug and pours the water into a glass. He smiles at me.

“What's up?” I ask him.

“It's nice to have you back here and know that you won't disappear into thin air again.” he claims, playing with the glass.

“It’s nice for me too.” I say. “I’ve missed all of this. I can't believe I've lived all these years in such an empty way. I really hit rock bottom.”

“Clarke, you know why you did it. And, as much as I never agreed with your decision, I know your priority was to protect Lexa. I'm glad you were able to tell her the truth.”

“And I'm happy that I was able to be honest with myself too.” I say. “I miss her, but I don't think she'll ever want to have anything to do with me again.”

“You can’t know. Give her time, Clarke.” Jasper replies. I nod and take a deep breathe. The doorbell ringing prevents me from saying anything else. My mother and Kane are not at home, so I go opening the door.

“Who... Oh.” the words in my mouth die. I almost stumble to the ground. Lexa is in front of me, as beautiful as ever. She has a strange gaze, halfway between the anxious and the sad.

“Hi Clarke.” she greets me. “Can I come in?”. I turn to Jasper, looking for help. In response, he just shrugs.

“Oh, you... Of course.” I make her come in.“Do you want anything to drink or eat? We were playing, if you want to join...”

“I'm good. I'd just like to... Yes, I'd just like to talk to you.". For a moment, I fear I have misheard everything.

“T-talk to me?” I ask. She nods, a slight smile painted on her face. I run a hand through my hair and bite my lip. I beckon her to wait for me and I rush to the living room, panicking.

“Lexa is over there.” I whisper. “What am I supposed to do?”

“Well, it depends.” Monty answers. “If she wants to kill you, run away.”. Echo rolls her eyes and slaps him on the back of the neck.

“It’s worse! She wants to talk!” I’m desperate.

“So, what are you still doing here? Run to her!" Bellamy scolds me.

“And if... I don't know, I mean, if she was still mad at me?”. I am full of anxiety.

“If you don't face her, you'll never know,” Jasper responds. “And now go.”. I nod and, taking a deep breath, I go back to her.

“What if we sit in the garden?” I propose.

“Fine.” she accepts. I wear a sweatshirt and follow her out. We sit on the grass, next to each other. It's a clear night, full of stars. Around us, the mountains tower majestically, as if they were guarding the town.

“Lex.” I break the silence. “What are you doing here?” I ask. She bows her head, and nervously tears tufts of grass, not taking care of getting her fingers dirty with soil.

“Well, I... I haven't been able to think of anything other than our conversation outside the cemetery for two weeks. I wish you would have told me about it earlier.”

“Lex, I...” I try to say, but she gestures me to stay quiet.

“No, let me talk please.” she interrupts me. “You know, I have been working at Anya's for about a month.”

“Yes, they told me. How is she? I guess she wants to kill me.”. Lexa lets out a slight chuckle at the thought of her cousin.

“I thought so too. Instead, I was with her today and well, of course she asked me about you. In short, she wanted to know if we had seen each other again. When I told her no, she was very annoyed. She told me that I couldn't keep hiding my feelings forever and that I should talk to you. I tried to reply by reminding her of what you did, but do you know what her reaction was?”. I shake my head in no. “She burst out laughing and told me that she's furious about what happened, but that she's not me and that I have to stop making excuses fearing to be happy one day.”. Now I'm the one who is losing her. “The point, Clarke, is that I'm still really very mad at you.”. I scratch the back of my neck, mortified.

“Lex, I... You know, I can't go back and change what I've done. I would love it, I wish I had never met Costia, but...". She stops me, giving me a hard look.

“You can't understand, can you?” I gaze at her, full of confusion. “I'm not mad at you for what happened with Costia. Yeah, the thought hurts me, but Clarke, it wasn't your fault. You didn't know her. And neither do I, it seems.” she claims, bitterly. “No, I'm mad at you because you really believed I could be happy without you. I am mad at you because you have sacrificed yourself for all these years, without even thinking about how worthy you are. God, I want to punch you.”. I can't reply. I am completely blown away.

“I just wanted you to be happy.” I whisper. She smiles at me, her gaze softened.

“I know. But Clarke, I will never be happy without you. And I'm sorry it took me so long to figure it out.”. I raise my gaze, unable to say or do anything. Only now do I notice that I am holding my breath.

“I told you I didn't want to be weak anymore. God, I'm an idiot. It's not about weakness, Clarke, it's about following your heart. And it takes courage to do it. You were brave, now I want to be brave too.”. She caresses my cheek, with an almost frightening tenderness. “I love you, Clarke. I know it won't be easy and that we still have so many things to talk about, but I've had enough of lying to me. I love you and I don't even know for how long I have.". I feel the tears peeping and starting to wet my cheeks. Her green eyes penetrate me, as she wipes my cheeks with her thumbs. Between us falls an unreal, almost magical silence. We don't need any more words, they would be useless. And when I feel her lips on mine, I finally realize the truth. I'm exactly where I should be. I am home. And I don’t want to leave anymore.

----- CHAPTER BREAK -----

Epilogue

Tell me what you thought about

when you were gone and so alone

[…]

I’m so glad that the truth

has brought back together me and you

(The Starting Line-Best Of Me)

The annoying notes of the alarm force me to open my eyes. I snort. I check what time it is and I decide to go back to sleep. Unfortunately, Raven suddenly comes in, definitely putting an end to my coveted rest.

“Hey sleeping beauty! It's time to get up!”

“Rae, five more minutes.” I mutter, crushing my face against the pillow.

“Clarke, you're late.” she says, opening the curtains first and the window later. A stream of freezing air suddenly hits me and I wrap myself in the blankets, like a roll. Raven rolls her eyes and rips my sheets off. I'm shivering from the cold.

“Rae, are you crazy? It's February!” I complain.

“And you have an interview in a few hours. Not to mention tonight's concert.”. I sigh.

“Fine, you won.” I give up. I get up and go to have a shower and get dressed. When I get out of the bathroom, Raven is still next to the window, leaning against the wall.

“Are you going to stay there or are you coming with me for breakfast?” I ask her, sarcastic.

“The more time passes, the nicer you are, has no one ever told you?” she replies, punching my arm.

“Hey!” I complain as I follow her out of the room. We both burst out laughing and head to the hotel restaurant where Bellamy and Murphy are waiting for us, quite sleepy.

“Good morning.” my manager greets us. “Are you ready for tonight? It will be your first concert with the new label.”. Bellamy and I glance at each other, our looks full of complicity. After my fled to Polis, Lightbourne decided to terminate the contract. He will never know the favor he did to me. I am free now, from any chain. Signing up for Bellamy was one of the best choices of my life. I even started writing again.

“Everything will be alright. I can't wait to get back on stage, I miss it.” I admit. “Even if, to be honest, I can’t wait for tomorrow.”

“She doesn't know anything, does she?” Raven asks me. I shake my head in no.

“It's a surprise. As long as Anya didn't tell her anything.”. Raven stares at me and I burst out laughing. I sit at the table and order a cappuccino. Around me, my friends joke and chat with each other, while I have breakfast, a habit that I have taken up for a while now. I sip my cappuccino and smile, thinking about how lucky I am. I spent years running away from everything and everyone looking for something that would make sense of my life, without realizing that, at the end of the day, I already had everything I needed. With my mind I go to tonight. I started singing again. I started being myself again. And I don't want to go back.
   
“Hello?” a sleepy voice answers the phone.

“Hey, it’s Clarke.” I claim. I’ve just finished singing and immediately phoned Lexa. I desperately needed to hear her voice.

“Oh, I'm sorry. I must have fallen asleep on the couch. How are you? How did the concert go?”. I smile at the thought of her curled up on the couch, maybe with a book in her hands.

“It went well. Everyone liked the new songs and the audience was great. Yes, it was an almost perfect night.”

“Almost?” she asks, confused.

“Yes, almost. You weren’t there. And Aden weren’t there too.” I say, with a bitter smile on my lips.

“We miss you a lot too, Clarke. And I'm so sorry that you won't be able to be here tomorrow for his birthday.”. I bite my lip, to avoid ruining the surprise. “Now sorry, but Aden is calling me. I'll talk to you tomorrow. I love you.”

“I love you too.” I hang up the phone and turn around. Raven and Bellamy are waiting for me in the car, an old gray Ford.

“What's up? Not everyone can afford a sports car. Also, in Polis it would only be in the way.” my friend starts. “Get in or we'll never get there in time.”. I hold back a laugh and get in the car. Bellamy starts, while Raven insults his driving. From what pulpit, I would say.

“Are you excited?” my friend brings me back to reality.

“A bit. I really want to see her face when we will be in front of her.” I answer.

“Well, as soon as she sees me I think she will faint because of joy, yes. When she sees you and Reyes instead .... Well, I don't know." Bellamy makes fun of us. He and Raven have bonded a lot in recent months. Of course, they tease each other a bit, but it's part of the game. I know they care about and would do anything for each other.

“Bessy, cut it short.”

“My name is Bellamy, you need to respect my name. I don't mangle yours.”

“I do what I want, Betty.”. I'm literally holding my belly out of laughter.

“You two, think about the road. I would like to get to Polis safe and sound, thank you.” I say. Bellamy replies something I can't understand and keeps driving. From Buffalo to Polis it will take us about seven hours. I snuggle up in the back seat, leaning my head against the window. I watch the landscape. The snow covers everything and it must be really cold outside. I smile. I'm on my way home. And it's a beautiful feeling.
   
“What does it mean you forgot your keys, Clarke?”

“I don't know Rae, I must have left them on the tour bus.” I panic. It's not even seven in the morning and Lexa is sleeping, which means she would never hear the doorbell ringing. I look around, looking for a solution.

“Well, sooner or later Lexa will wake up. Let's stay here and wait.” Bellamy suggests.

“I have a better idea.” I state, looking at the tree before Aden's room. I climb, albeit struggling a little. I've never been good at this.

“Clarke, come down!” Raven calls me, scared.

“Rae is right! The last time you tried to do such a thing you ended up in the ER.” Bellamy says.

“Don't worry, it's all under control.” I reassure them, as I try to get to the window.

“Griffin, what are you doing?”. I look down, to understand who spoke and I lose my balance. In a second I find myself in the snow, with Indra peering at me in silence.

“Coach, hi.” I greet her, on the ground.

“You never learn, Griffin.” she claims, a crooked smile painted on his face. I spit some soil and I’m about to get up, but she pushes me into the snow again.

“Tonight at six o'clock.”. I sigh. Every Saturday night, before dinner, she and I find ourselves playing basketball one-on-one. Well, not that mine is such a free and spontaneous choice.

“See you later, Griffin.” she says goodbye. I watch her as she walks away, unable to say a word. Raven helps me get up on my feet and clean me up from the snow, when the door opens. Lexa is on the threshold staring at us, still half asleep. As soon as she realizes who is in front of her, she widens her eyes and runs towards us.

“Clarke!” she exclaims, while holding me tight to herself. “You're back.” she whispers.

“Yes, Lex. I'm here.” I confirm, kissing her.

“Well, our job is done.” Bellamy brings us back to reality.

“Yeah. See you later, lovebirds." Raven tells us goodbye. Lexa and I burst out laughing, in each other's arms. We go inside and sit on the couch, her in my arms. She cups my face with her hands and kisses me again, slowly, as if she still can't fully believe she's with me. I gently caress her hair and smile at her.

“You know I'm not going to disappear again, do you?”. She bows her head, but I force her to raise it. She tortures her lip, in embarrassment.

“Clarke, I... I think the fear that you might not come back will never go away completely.” she confesses.

“Lex, I spent years running away from what made me happy. I don't want to make the same mistake again. I love you Lexa and I will always be home. I will always come back to you.”. Her green irises are filled with tears. She kisses me again, passionately. We stay on the couch for a while, in each other's arms. Then, after an hour, we get up and go to wake up Aden, ready to celebrate his birthday. As soon as he opens his eyes and sees me, he jumps on me, screaming my name.

“Happy birthday, sweetie.” I whisper, kissing his head. And, in that intimate and familiar atmosphere, I can't help but think about the last six years. I fled from everything and everyone, thinking I deserved nothing but the annihilation of my humanity. How wrong I was. Yes, I have to leave tomorrow, I'm aware of that. And yet, now I know. As far as I can go, I will always come home. Because now Lexa is my home and I can no longer imagine a life away from her. And, while she and Aden drag me to the bed and start tickling me, I can't help but let out tears full of happiness. Welcome home, Clarke. Welcome to life.