Work Text
Akk reads a lot. He doesn't write though. He has a lot of emotions pent up. A lot of thoughts but he doesn't write. He keeps them in his mind. They swirl and revolve and transform and knock around all the time. His head, his mind, simply won't shut up. He should let them out though but he doesn't. Akk blames himself a little. But he doesn't do anything to actively stop it. Akk reads stories. He watches series. Movies. TV. Videos. He reads and watches stories of comfort. And wants something like that in his life, in reality. He is lonely. He wants love. He wants all of that, something like that, something of that. But Akk knows that he won't have something like that in his life. He still continues. They are a source of comfort. But, they are also a source of pain and wanting and longing and yearning. Kind of an addiction. They remind him of what he doesn't, can't have. He can't have something like that in his life because he won't let himself. He has a lot of things to do, at school, at college, for his parents, for himself, he has big dreams and plans and can't get distracted. He is lonely but he won't let himself love or be loved. Besides, the kind of love he wants isn't normal. Because he doesn't want girls. He wants boys. That's just the way it is. And that makes finding such love and comfort, such fantasies and dreams and imagination... harder. Is it worth continuing? Torturing himself? He doesn't know. But he goes on. Different people have different things that are important to them, that mean something. Relationships are meaningful to him. He wants unconditional love and support, a small world for himself and his partner, just the two of them. For someone who can't have that, for someone who knows and acknowledges it, his heart and mind sure have a lot of ways to still keep hoping and imagining. Forever. He isn't interested in flings or short term relationships. He wants something ever lasting, solid, a person who can make it work with him, together. The thought that he can't have this doesn't stop his heart, doesn't stop him from desiring. Fucked up. A vicious cycle, isn't it? He has never been in a relationship. Sure, he is close with his parents and has a few close friends but that isn't enough for someone like Akk. He can't be himself with them. He can't let go. He can't touch them in the way he wants. He can't be touched in the way he wants. He likes his parents and friends but they can't be something more. And sometimes, Akk doesn't even know what he wants out of a relationship, or what he wants to give. He just craves. Will it stop if he were to get one? Will his thoughts change? Will his attitude and wants and desires change and evolve? One way to find out. That's not happening. Other things don't really matter. But he does them because he has to. School. Grades. Extra curriculars. Awards. Recognition. Scholarship. Jobs. Activities. Clubs. Prefect. They are a part of his routine. A way to reach his goal. They matter but not that much. If he is going to have a lonely life till his death, will money and awards and job keep him company on his death bed? Would they make him feel better? Maybe people would know him, maybe he would leave a name and something good behind, that sounds nice but... yea. If Akk can't love himself and can't be loved, what does anything else matter? How, why, when, where does anything else matter, lead to? People are different, unique. They have different things they want. Some people want money. Some people want love. Akk wants love. But he can't have love. Can he get that from an arranged marriage? This marriage will help his parents, help his future, help his studies, but will it help Akk personally? It is selfish to ask for this on top of everything else, isn't it? Is it always a choice between either materialistic or happiness? Is it possible to love a predetermined partner? Is it always beggars can't be choosers? Akk hasn't found love till now. He hasn't let anybody in. A part of it is his fault. Nobody has loved him, he hasn't loved anybody. Nobody has fought for him, he hasn't fought for anybody. He hasn't let anybody. He never gave a chance to anyone. Nobody pursued him, wanted, desired, craved him. He didn't let himself love someone. Should he settle down in a loveless marriage, hoping they can learn to love each other? Will they be forced to love? Will they be forced to hate? Akk has seen a lot of people marry each other for society and never be happy. They don't respect or trust or love each other, don't even care about each other, don't have the basic courtesy or manners for each other. They have children and pass on the hell to them. Torture. They give into pressure and family and ruin everything. Few of his relatives and friends are like that. Only a handful of people actually find peace in their relationships. His parents love each other, but they aren't well off. Those people who are miserable, they are well off. There are very few who have both, who don't have both. Maybe Akk is being judgemental, maybe he is biased, he doesn't know the entire world but this is how he thinks, he feels. Why are people forced all the time? Why don't people have enough choices? Why can't people leave this hell on Earth? Why are people stuck? Useless to even think about it. Which is better? Alone for the rest of his life and yearning?
Or marry and still yearn?
Or marry... and learn to love? This is real life, not a drama or a book. Not a fiction. Akk has no other choice but to get this person's help. Akk's parents knows this person, Ayan is his name. Who is this Ayan? Akk doesn't know. Ayan's family is going to help Akk's, that's all he knows. But does Ayan want this? Does Ayan pity him? Hate him? Accepting Akk because he has no choice? Maybe Ayan has things he wants in his life and this is just for his parents? Does Ayan know him? Will Akk regret doing it or regret not doing it? Which is better? A toxic relationship? All time?
A toxic start and becoming better?
Or a good imaginary relationship that will never happen? Akk closes his eyes and chooses.