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Lord was he trying, trying so hard to keep that mouth of his shut as the homophobic pricks kept on talking and talking very disgusted and oh he hoped they would shut up for they’re own sake because the glares they were getting around the table could set fire to their robes if it were possible.
“Disgusting! I do not understand, men should not be with men and women should not be with woman! Simple as that! It’s inhuman and so very disgusting!” Orion grimaced at the thought and Regulus’s blood boiled, anger quickly rising because since when was it their decision to who a person loves?

“Ah, yes Orion. I do quite agree on that,” Lucius Malfoy nodded and a lot of the table glared right back at him including Narcissa who happened to be his fiancée, “Cissa, do not look at me that way! It’s true!” He scowled at her and she scowled right back, what sort of pairing were these two? Regulus silently scoffed, at least it wasn’t incest but he’s pretty sure they were connected with the Malfoys at some point.

Bellatrix clears her throat and quickly shoves down some very disgusting fish eggs, probably trying to swallow away her rising temper which everyone apart from their parents seemed to see, but it was Regulus who spoke, “Mother, um Father, may I be excused?” He really felt sick with this conversation at the moment.

He felt their confused glares at him, but they nodded and waved him away, not like they’d care nevertheless. Druella scowled at him, she never really did seem to take a liking to him for some odd reason.

Regulus quickly speed walked to the toilet, feeling the bile crawling up his throat like a very intrusive spider. He collapsed on the floor, head hanging above the toilet.

James.

James.

James.

He needed him, why wasn’t he here? Where was he? He said he’d be here, didn’t he? Where was his James? Where’s his sunshine?

He vomited into the bowl and raked a hand through his hair.

James.

James.

James.

No. No. James was far away now, they… they weren’t together. He wasn’t coming, why would he come? He’d be dead as soon as he would walk through the door. But by God did Regulus miss him, desperately, so so so desperately. He cried out to him, trying to grab the hand reaching out to him as he was pulled under by bony hands, his mother’s hands, his father’s hands. Dragging, drowning, scratching, clawing at him.

Why wasn’t James holding his hand? Why was he drowning? Where was he? Where was his James?!

“Reg?”

He jolted up, realising his mistake at the last second and threw up rather harshly into the bowl once more. Why hadn’t he gone with Sirius when he asked him to? Why was he so fucking stupid and stubborn at the worst times?

“Reg!” He whipped his head round to see Bellatrix shaking him, worry written all over her face. She sat down, and smiled as comforting as she could because neither girl or boy knew how to comfort anyone, “It’s alright,” she reassured him. She motioned to the bowl again and he spurted out the bile clogging his throat.

It took around ten minutes for the vomiting to cease but his stomach felt oddly hollow, he clung to Bellatrix’s arm and closed his eyes, James would have done this, held him. Let him cry and sob, running a hand through his hair, whispering happiness into his ear. He could still hear his beautiful voice handing out compliments whenever he felt like it.
“Reg?” A small voice whispered, “Love, it’ll be okay,” the person who owned the voice wrapped their arm around his waist rocking them both back and forth.
“James,” he whispered into a mop of messy brown hair.

“That’s right, love,” James nodded and kissed his forehead.

“I missed you,” his heart clenches, “Where’d you go?” He lets the tears slip out one after the other, rapidly going down faster and faster.
“I’m here now, aren’t I?” the other boy whispered.

“Yeah,” Regulus whispered again, “Yeah, you are,” he laughed softly as the tears kept coming.

”I love you, beautiful boy,”

”I love you too, golden boy,” he wraps his arms around him, feeling the warmth of his sun, cuddling him, holding him just like before. Before? What before? He’s here now? What before?

Regulus jolts awake in his own sweat, his arms wrapped around his pillows. Where was James? James was right here wasn’t he? Where’d he go? He was just here?! Where’s his fucking James?

A couple of minutes pass and he realised what happened. Dream, dream, dream. James isn’t here, James is gone, James has a loving family now, right? Yes, he does. Regulus nods to himself and falls right back into his pillows, scrunching his face into the nearest one to him. Why does it smell like James? It shouldn’t smell like James?!

He tried to steady his breathing, “James is fucking gone you bloody idiot,” he grumbles to himself. He bangs his fist down on the pillow, only met with a wetness that could only be from his tears.

Fucking tears, he thinks and throws on a turtle neck jumper and some dress pants because that’s all he actually has in his closet.

Regulus slams it shut and walks down the stairs to the kitchen where he’s sure he’ll get a very long telling off for leaving so abruptly at the dinner table.

He grabs a plate from the side and ends up tackling it from Kreacher who seems stubborn enough to think he should be making food to which Regulus only ordered him to let him make his own breakfast. The house elf walked away, grumbling under his breath.

“Regulus,” a cold voice traveled out from behind him. He turned slowly and let his breathing regain normality once more.

“Mother,” he nodded to her, desperately trying to swallow away yet more bile, he felt his hands shaking and quickly shoved them into his pocket to hide it from his Mother. In her own words, ‘Don’t show weaknesses, Regulus, that way they will know how to easily get to your head.’

She scowled at him and struck him across his face, “How dare you leave so abruptly at dinner yesterday, your cousins had travelled from France after a holiday to come and eat with us! And going to sleep after! What has gotten into you! You disgust me, Regulus!” He flinched with every word spat out of her moth and fights the urge to wipe away the small spit that landed on his cheek.

No weaknesses.

No weaknesses.

He straightens his back and keep his face straight, trying to calm the anger erupting in the pit of his stomach, he always did better than Sirius.

“Eat and go up to your room! No dinner for tonight, Regulus! That will teach you!”

“Yes, Mother,” he grabs the piece of toast and walks up to his room, sucking in short breaths.

It’s okay. It’s okay. This is all in your head. This isn’t happening. You’re dreaming. Nightmares. When you wake up it’ll be okay. It’s okay. It’s okay.

But he never does wake up, when was he going to wake up? Was he ever going to wake up? When does he get to be free? Where’s James?! Where’s Sirius?! Where are they!

Regulus tries to calm his breathing. Why’s it so fast? What the fuck is wrong with him! Get your head together!

One breath.

Two breaths.

Three breaths.

Don’t get the knife.

Don’t get the knife.

James told you not to get the knife.

James doesn’t want you to get the knife.

So don’t get the knife.

He doesn’t get the knife. But he stays on the floor, curled up in a blanket, cuddling a pillow with no sense of how he got there, he doesn’t get into the bed because James isn’t in it either. It’s just him. No one else. Nobody is holding him with love. James isn’t there. He hopes he has a child and is happy.
That thought along helps him get to sleep.

Where’s James?!

That’s his first thought as he’s jumping up off the hard wood floor.

Oh.

Regulus struggles to get up after that and stretches slowly, taking his time and eventually he realises he can’t waste his time any longer and he gets up and into his bathroom.

There’s a small bruise from where his Mother hit him but it’s small enough that nobody could notice it if they weren’t looking for one. He doesn’t bother with his curls seeing as he doesn’t have the energy to try and brush them.

Regulus keeps the clothes he was wearing yesterday on and stares at the door for a couple of minutes, at least she just hit him, it could’ve gone much worse but she must’ve been in a good mood, which was only ever on small occasions.

He scowls, probably got someone who actually wanted to marry him, some bloody snob of a girl probably.

“Regulus, come down,” his mothers cold voice called him, he sighs and opens the door.

“Coming Mother,”

He walks quietly down the stairs and into their living room, trying to shape his face into something that even slightly resembled happiness but he isn’t a sunshine that’s for sure.

“You called Mother?” He tries his best to smile but the scowl on her face quickly defeated any attempt he thought he was going to make.

“Yes, I did Regulus, me and your father were thinking… job wise,”

”Oh?”

“Yes, we know you are rather… good at Quidditch, and though it is not our best decision, we have decided you shall try out for the England team, whom we have been getting very many offers from,” his mother scowls at the thought of it, sport was not her thing it seems.

“Really?” He says too excitedly it seems as his mother snaps her glare to him and he swallows, “What I mean, Mother, is that I am extremely thankful for your recommendation, when shall I be trying out?

“In a week, on the Wednesday, I hope to be accompanying you and watch, your father will not be attending as he has other matters to attend to. I want you to be ready before 11 that’s when we shall be leaving,” she nodded stiffly to the door and Regulus shuffles out of the room and into the kitchen where a delicious English Breakfast awaits him.
He tucks in as soon as he sits down, not realising how hungry he was before. Kreacher chuckles after he finishes, and he looks down at the house-elf with warmth in his eyes, “Thank you, Kreacher, so much,” the elf smiled gratefully and nods happily.

Regulus stands from the table, bring his plate to the sink where Kreacher waits to do the dishes, his stomach is full and he feels so much lighter now. And so he decides to wander the halls of the Black Manor waiting to come across a ballroom even if rumours are occasionally muttered into ears, he finds the ballrooms beautiful and majestic and he wouldn’t change them even slightly.

Regulus stands outside the door to one of the ballrooms, hesitating. He never hesitates? A slow song echoed through the hall. His song. James song.

Somewhere over the rainbow, way up high, there’s a land that I heard of, once in a lullaby…

He let his feet drift across the floor, his eyes closing and his breathing heavy. He hummed along with the music and soon enough heavy arms guided him across the dance floor.

“James,”

“Yes, love,”

“I’m sorry I didn’t tell you soon enough but I love you,” Regulus swallowed the lump in his throat and smiled.

“Beautiful boy, I love you too,” and then they danced, slowly like smoke and shadow. Both humming their song, hearts matching, their hands slotting together like puzzle pieces.

The song ended and the heavy arms left him. He didn’t dare open his eyes, already feeling the tears prickling at the edge of his eyes.

Regulus breathed heavily and slowly opened them. No James. But that’s okay. It’s supposed to be okay.

He made his way to the chairs, tears finally leaving his eyes. He curled up on the chair and closed his eyes again, wanting to live in his fantasy for only a couple more minutes or hours, it didn’t matter as long as he got to see James again. As long he didn’t forget his face and flushed cheeks.

They were in the halls of the house. James and him walking into one of the living rooms, a beautiful painting hang above the fireplace. He gasped and smiled at it, James curling his hand on top of his.

“It’s beautiful,”

“Just like you,”

“Oh, hush,” he mumbled though his blush said otherwise. James pressed a kiss to his forehead.

“Lyra!” He called.

A young girl with beautiful blonde hair and big curious blue eyes skipped into the room, a black cat curled up in her arms. She walked across to her dads smiling softly at the both of them and giggling at Regulus’ flushed face.

“Yes, Dad?”

“Come, look at this painting,” James lifted her up to show her the painting, she gasps and runs a finger along the brush marks.

“It’s beautiful, Papa,” she grins at Regulus and James sets her down. He envelopes them in a tight, warm hug and Regulus has never felt more at home in those arms, with his family.

“Reggie?” James asks, wait. Where’s Lyra and Venus?

“Yes?”

“Why are you pretending you didn’t leave?” James asks, sounding sad.

“What?” He swallows the lump in his throat once more, “Aren’t I here right now?” He knows the answer and he doesn’t want to hear it either.

“No, beautiful boy, you’re not,” James slowly steps back into the darkness. Wait what?

Regulus cries out as he opens his eyes. Tears thundering down his eyes and his heart and head screaming out. Oh god he hoped this room had a silencing charm because his screams quickly cut through the air, echoing across the whole ballroom. Coldness seeping into his bones, his heart clenching and his brain tearing itself apart.

Slowly his screams stopped instead replaced by horrid loud sobs that rattle in his chest. Regulus’ tears slowly itching his face, his knees come up to his chest, hiding his head in them.
Ever so slowly, it’s over and only a few remaining stutters in his breathe.

He gets to his feet, wiping his eyes and standing, staring at the door until he feels the heat leaving his face. He rushes out the room. Perhaps this place was cursed.

Regulus walks through the halls, determined to not think about his… dream? Running a hand on the walls and letting his face fall into his easy and usual solemn manner.

The walls close in on him and he’s tumbling down. Down. Down. His breathing is heavy and laboured. Where is he? What is he doing? Why’s he here? The coldness sets in his bones again, and he struggles to get up and walk but he slowly manages it. The sides of his eyes slowly drifting to black and he eventually stumbles into the living room once more.

“May I go for a walk Mother, Father?” he asks as finally he feels slightly lighter, the walls aren’t closing in on him any longer.

His Father steps up, glaring at his Mother as she stands up, “Regulus,” he raises an eyebrow, “Yes you may, but,” he glared at him and slowly walks up so they’re as close as you can get, “You will get into that team if it’s the last thing you do, do you understand me, young man?” his Father’s voice is dangerously calm and he feels his breath on his face. Disgusting.

“Yes Father,” Regulus breathes out. His Father steps back, a smirk darkening his features threateningly. He nods approvingly and chucks Regulus his wand.

“Now go, boy,” he waves a sharp hand to the door. Regulus nods and walks out the room, tense and alert.

He quickly grabs a coat and stumbles out of the door, his first breathe of fresh air in two months, hitting his face.

Regulus breathes it in, almost delightedly. The smell of trees and pastries drifting over, making his stomach rumble, when was the last time he had food again?

Quickly throwing that thought away, he quickly makes his way to the streets that are bustling with last minute Christmas shoppers. Young kids throwing snowballs at each other, snow angels scattered on the road. Others trying to catch snowflakes on their tongues and after succeeding, dancing around happily and showing their parents only to find out it has melted.

Couples kissing under mistletoes that the other had brought along as a joke. Carollers singing in the streets beside a giant tree, some people leaving money in a hat and others singing along happily.

The scent of hot chocolate drifted from a nearby cafe and Regulus is very tempted to go buy himself one until he sees the one person he’s been thinking of the past two months but well he never has stopped thinking about him.
His breathe catches in his throat and he feels his cheeks heat up as James looks his way, his eyes widen and he fumbles around. But Regulus is already off down the street, wondering why he won’t just go back home.

Why? Why? So many questions and so many unanswered. This wasn’t supposed to happen. James was supposed to go and marry a woman, a man! Who cares! He was supposed to make a family, love and live a happy life. What was he still doing here? No, no, no, no, no, no.

”Reggie,” he scrunches up his face and tries to keep his breathing the same. Go away James, oh he’s so tempted to say that. But why can’t he?

The silence that follows his one of unsaid words, one of sadness and desire to hold the other until the world disappears around them. One that Regulus can’t fill otherwise he’s certain he won’t let go of him.

Instead, he keeps walking. Hearing the other boys footsteps beside him, matching his speed. The boy who is wearing ridiculous bright red converses that he loves so fucking much.

Regulus let’s out a heavy breathe and fights the tears in his eyes, he tucks himself into his coat. No, no, no, no. No. James go. I’m not going to let go. Go before it’s too late.

He clenched his jaw and turns to the other boy his resistance collapsing as he turns to stare at the boy with pretty hazel eyes behind round gold-rimmed glasses. At the boy with beautiful messy hair that he used to run a hand through in hard nights. His boy? Maybe.

“Potter,” he spits out, because hasn’t he done this for most of his life? Being mean to the one he loves? He can do it again, he will otherwise he won’t ever again.

“Reggie, I’m sorry,” James’ voice is quiet and it almost sounds like he’s on the edge of bawling his eyes out. Which could be said for Regulus as well because he’s pretty sure he is about to.

The silence follows quickly after that and Regulus turns once more heading nowhere in particular, he just wants to get away. Get away. Get away.

“Reggie,” James says again, and oh he misses it when he could blush and kiss his face as soon as he said that beautiful nickname.

Regulus sits down on a bench, not entirely sure why but he does nevertheless. James quickly follows, sitting down not far but not close from Regulus either.

“Why are you here, James?” He sighs after a couple of minutes in the silence, “You were supposed to have a family,”

“Um, well. We… we only broke up two months ago at the end of school so… I- um. That’s a bit fast to move on, and besides... I don't think I could ever do that without you,” James laughs nervously and Regulus misses it so fucking much he eats it up and stores it the back of his brain.

“Right…” Regulus whispers. He turns to James who’s already staring at him in return and he so bloody tries to hide that blush, he does.

“Um, I’m also here… because I’ve kind of been waiting for you to come out. I got your favourite tea everyday in case you ever came out. I just… I- um… I don’t know. Maybe if you ever rethought your decision and ran away. I would’ve been there… sorry I’m rambling,” he adds sheepishly at the end, James’ ears going pink, “If you want your tea, I’ve- I’ve got it here if you want it,”

James offers him the cup in his hand and Regulus very much wants it and his restraint falls down almost straight after. He takes it gently from James and smiles softly at him. Oh he loves this boy. Wait. No, no, no, no.

No. He can’t have him. Tears blur his vision and he wants to disappear, he wants to disappear and hide in James’ arms and breathe in his scent and just stay there forever. Forever.

James smiles sadly back at him and they sit in silence once more, watching the sun glistening in the water of the fountain. Strange how just one glance at the boy makes all of his walls come tumbling down.

Regulus slowly lays his head on James’ shoulder and smiled as the other boy lays his head on top of his. This was what it was supposed to be like. This would be happening if it weren’t for… everything.

He feels James swallow, perhaps trying to get rid of the tears he probably has. Regulus slowly gives up trying to blink back his own and lets them fall heavily down his cheeks, after a while James does the same thing.

Just two heart-broken boys, falling in love all over again, forbidden love. Oh but how the boys wish it weren’t.

“Jaime,” Regulus whispers through blurred eyes.

“Yes, Reggie?”

“I’m sorry,”

“Don’t be,” James whispers, a sad smile across his lips.

“You said you loved me, and I didn’t say that, I didn’t mean to. I wish I did. But I didn’t, and I fucking do, Jaime. I fucking do,” he sobs quietly. Hiding himself in James’ shoulder. His breath rattling his chest.

The other boy curls around him, holding him closer. A hand running through his curls, and isn’t it silly that it soothes him every time?

“Sh, love. It’s okay. I knew it, I know it,” James whispers through his own tears and heart break.

“I love you, I love you, I love you, and I’m sorry I didn’t tell you sooner,” he cries softly, his voice breaking at the end.

"I know, beautiful boy,” James whispers softly, bringing comfort to him.

“I’m glad, golden boy,” they laugh and tighten their hold around each other, not wanting to let go of the other as if if they did they would fall an agonising death. Maybe they would. Oh but to fall in love.

Curled up together; one in a hoodie, the other in a brown fleece. Breathing in the scent of each other, one smelling of lavender and the other, vanilla.

One with messy brown hair and the other with gorgeous black curls.

One with gentle hazel eyes hidden behind glasses, one with a loving mix of green and blue.

Oh isn’t it just beautiful?

Love.
Love with a person who would go to the ends of the world for him, with a person who would hide and be his secret because they can’t love each other, with a person who would buy his tea every day for two months just to make him happy when he went for a walk.

Oh and Regulus was a sucker for love.

He was in love.
Even if he didn’t want to admit it, he was and he would forever in debt of one James Potter for making his life so much brighter.
And the two boys stay like that for a long time. Holding, hiding, crying, breathing, loving each other through the comfortable silence that follows.
Two heart-broken boys that dream of a life together. Two boys who beg to the god they don’t believe in that one day, one day they could hold each other without having to hide.

But they could be each other secrets if it meant they could hold each other even if it was for a minute.

Oh, to be in love.

----- CHAPTER BREAK -----

He loved this boy. Loved him so bloody much it was unbearable sometimes. But why? People ask. Because, he’s my star. He would answer. James doesn’t think that people would understand that, but it makes sense to him so why would it matter if other people didn’t? That’s the thing, it doesn’t because it means their love is just for each other, no one else, and that’s special to James.

Now, he looks down at this gorgeous boy in his arms and he never wants to leave, wants to hold his star until their old years. He kissed his forehead gently.

It’s scary to think that he would hurt someone just for Regulus, well it should be scary because James isn’t scared to think that, does that make him a psycho? Maybe, but at least he gets Regulus in the end. His star. His beautiful boy.

“Jaime,” he murmurs in James’ red hoodie and it’s such an adorable sight he can feel his cheeks heat up slightly.

“Yes?” He runs his hand in Regulus’ curls knowing full well it calms him.

“I don’t want to leave,” he whispers.

“Me too,”

“I’m sorry I have to,” Regulus gulps and hides his face in James’ chest again.

“It’s okay, love,” James smiles sadly down at the other boy.

“It’s not, Jaime,”

“I know, but that’s okay Reggie. At least I have you now, if not for the last time,” Regulus lifts his head, only slightly so his eyes are visible and it’s probably one of the cutest things James has ever seen he’s struggling not to kiss every inch of that beautiful face.

“James,” he whispers, banging his head back into James’ chest, “You can’t say that,” he breathes out.

“Why, love? It’s true?”

“Because… I cant. I’m going to get married off to some snobby girl and I just. You can’t say that, James. It… I don’t know but I’m not going to be able to leave if you say things like that,” James can feel and see the wet stains on his chest from the tears tumbling out of Regulus’ eyes.

“Then don’t,” James whispers.

“They’ll kill you if I go back with you, they’ll find me, and hurt you guys. I’m not doing that to you, Sirius or your parents. I won’t , James,” Regulus looks up again, small tears glistening in his eyelashes, beautiful.

“We can protect you, Dumbledore will protect us,” James adds, nodding to himself like he’s trying to convince himself more than Regulus.

Regulus snorts humourlessly, “Dumbledore doesn’t give a rats ass about me unless I’m included in his master plan,”

“I’m sure… we can protect ourselves Regulus! I trust my parents to help you, they’ll protect us,” James looks uncertainly at Regulus already knowing this wasn’t going in the direction he wanted.

“Jaime,” Regulus whispers fondly, “It’s okay, sunshine. I’m okay, I don’t need saving anymore, it’s too late,” Regulus lifts himself off of James’ chest and brings their foreheads together, “But, promise me, Jaime. You’ll get yourself a family, you’ll have a child. You’ll have them, you can still love me, just… just get yourself someone else to love,” Regulus chokes out, his voice cracking at the end, “Talk to me in the stars, sunshine. Goodbye,”

Regulus stands up and presses a soft kiss on James’ lips. It’s full of love, sorrow and tears. He wants this moment forever, basking in the glow of it until they’re old and withered in a beautiful cottage with a child and perhaps a cat. Something he dreams about. Something he hoped would happen.

“Goodbye, sunshine,” Regulus finally breaks them apart and starts walking away, leaving a heart-broken James behind.

“Goodbye, my star,” James chokes out, hoping Regulus heard it because he’s not sure if he’d be able to bear it if he didn’t.

He’s left on the bench beside a water fountain, tears flowing easily down his face, one after an another, faster and faster down they go. James stays there for quite some time, he’s not sure how much, he’s not aware of the time. He’s too busy watching as the sun sets and the stars come out. The sun never does seem to catch the stars, it’s almost like it chases them across the sky, never quite reaching them.

Somewhere over the rainbow, way up high, there’s a land, that I heard of, once in a lullaby…

James finally gets up as the children, parents and couples head inside. His feet moving on autopilot because his mind doesn’t seem to catch on anymore.

He grabs his wand and Apparates after finding a secluded corner free from Muggle eyes. He collapses onto his parents floor and closes his eyes tightly.

It’s not real.

It’s not real.

It’s not real.

James feels arms start to pull him up and into the living room, lying him in a sofa and gently placing a blanket over him.

His mum, dad, Sirius? Doesn’t really matter, not to him anyway. The only thing he can think of is Regulus. Him and his beautiful eyes, him and his gorgeous curls that hung over his face. Most importantly, their first night together.

“Potter?” Regulus grimaced and raised an eyebrow at James who sits curled up on some cushions.

Regulus still seemed sceptically but nevertheless he walked to him, sitting beside James.

“Hi,” James says happily, watching the stars. Regulus only proceeds to glare at him and turn to the stars also.

“I’ve never seen you up here before? I come up here every night so why are you here now?” Regulus asks after a moment of silence.

“Oh,” James whispers quietly and he clears his throat, “Um, I don’t know. Just wanted to see what the stars looked like from here… I don’t know,” he shrugs but really he had noticed Regulus coming here every night and didn’t want to him to be alone.

Regulus nods and stares at the stars, they both watch the stars for god knows how long.

It was nice to just sit there in a comfortable silence and not try to hex each other or have an argument. It was strangely relaxing, it was calming and James liked it? Strange.

The hours passed and the two boys watched the stars, after a while Regulus got up and walked to the door, opening it before pausing, “I’ll see you later, Potter,”

James slowly blinked, and sat up. A pounding headache forming quickly, maybe crying yourself to sleep wasn’t a good idea.

“Jamie?” Effie walked over to him, placing a warm cup of hot chocolate into his arms, suddenly he was ever so grateful to have Effie as his mum.

“Mhm?” James hummed as he swallowed a mouthful of the delicate warm liquid.

She smiled sadly, sitting next to him and stroking his hair, “Do you want to talk about it, sweetheart?”

“No,” he gulped and turned his gaze away from her, hoping she hadn’t noticed the tear streaks across his face (she had).

“Alright, but if you want to, you know where to find me,” she stood up before kissing his forehead and leaving the room to most-likely make breakfast.

The silence was deafening, it spread over the room like white mist and it seeped into his bones, making him shiver all over. Goosebumps settling over his arms and legs.

James brought the blanket closer to him, scrunching it up in his hands, his eyes squeezed shut as he tried to control his quickening breath.

A hand came through the tightening mist and gently squeezed his knee. James quickly followed the hand to the person, his breath catching in his throat. Not him, anyone but him, please.

“Prongs? All right, mate? Actually stupid question, what happened?” Sirius sat down, substituting Effie’s place, “I had to carry you to the sofa, is it about that guy you keep trying to talk to?”

James had come out to Sirius, not wanting the frequent questions about where he goes everyday or what he does. But he very purposefully missed out the part about how this ‘guy’ is his brother.

“Um, yeah,” he choked out, swallowing the bile creeping up his throat.

Sirius looked at him, concern written all over his features, “He… um. We can’t be together. So um… he left basically and I’m pretty sure it won’t ever happen again,” he adds, his heartbeat quickening slowly, tears quickly building up in the corner of his eyes.

Sirius tugs him into a hug and squeezes him gently, his best friend knowing exactly what to do. He rocks them both back and forth, singing some sort of French lullaby which James doesn’t even know the translation to.

“It’ll be alright, James, promise,” Sirius whispers after a while, ten minutes? Hours? James has no idea but he loves it nevertheless, “Now, Effie’s made us pancakes, you up for a meal?” He looks at James sympathy to ally after breaking their very long-lasting hug.

“Yeah,” James nods and gets up slowly, feeling slightly better than he did when he got up. There’s a mouth-watering smell drifting through the air so how could he ever say no? And besides his stomach would never allow him to.

“Jamie!” Monty wrapped up James in a bone-crushing hug.

“Dad!” He desperately tried to squeeze out of the hug (his attempts went to waste) but Monty held on tightly.

“Alright, alright,” Effie glared at Monty playfully before he let go quite reluctantly. She set down stacks of pancakes in the middle of the table, surrounded by all sorts of toppings.

James immediately grabbed one and placed a ton load of sugar and lemon over half of his, the other half spread with chocolate. Sirius made a face at his atrocity of a pancake and proceeded to place some sugar on his.

He quickly ate, his stomach rumbling so much that it hurt. As usual, Effie’s food was delicious, Monty gave her an affectionate kiss before laughing at Sirius and James’ disgusted faces (‘Not at the table!’ James shrieked).

Half an hour later, they all helped clean up the table, carefully placing plates into the sink, wiping down the table and sweeping away crumbs on the floor.

James finished helping Effie and headed up to his room, immediately collapsing onto his bed dramatically. He got out his parchment and quill on his beside table, sitting down at his desk and started writing.

Beautiful boy,

Hi Reggie. You know, two months! That’s a long time right? Yeah. I’ve been waiting there in Summer and Christmas as well but you didn’t come out, that wasn’t great, I missed you but you probably figured that out anyway.

You probably didn’t think I would be there, I really hope you did think I would because you know I always will. As you should know I don’t do things half way.

You came out today! And woah you looked different. Good and bad different. You’re still my beautiful boy but you didn’t look well, I hope they aren’t hurting you too bad there. I really wanted you to come back with me, Sirius would have questions and possibly kill me but honestly I couldn’t care less, as long as you were safe.

You probably won’t ever read this but it makes me feel better, for some reason? I don’t know, I like to think that you still talk to me like I’m doing here.

Oh and by the way Reggie, if you ever read this, love you.

Your golden boy.

James smiled and carefully put it into his drawer filled with so many more letters that lay unopened and unread apart from himself.

“James?” Sirius knocked on his door, his face filled with worry and nervousness. Strange? Sirius was never nervous.

“Mhm?”

“Can I come in?”

“Yup,” Sirius walked in carefully and quickly turned to close the door before sitting down at the edge of James’ bed.

“I feel like you’re not telling me things anymore. You lock yourself in your room and write those letters you never send, you keep to yourself and that’s the most un-James thing to ever exist! I just want you to know you can tell me things, you know? Sorry, I'm rambling,” Sirius said breathlessly, he picked at his nails, his leg jogging up and down.

James put a hand on his knee to stop him, truthfully he knows that he’s been doing this and truthfully he doesn’t really want to tell Sirius these things for very obvious reasons. The boy he is in love with is his brother. He’d very much like to not talk about that part. But it was only a matter of time before he burst.

“No, it’s… it’s fine Sirius,” James let out a breath, “It’s just… I don’t think you’d be um… very uh… well happy if I told you everything about this… boy,”

“It’s not like he’s my brother! Can’t get any worse than that,” Sirius laughs but James pauses before realising his mistake and quickly laughing but apparently he had paused for a little too long.

“James…” Sirius said scarily calm.

“Yeah, Pads?”

“Don’t ‘Pads’ me!”

“What did I do?”

“This boy isn’t little Reggie, is he?”

“No! Why would he be?!” James grimaces and starts biting his nails. Sirius smacks his hand away from his mouth.

“Don’t bite your nails!”

“I’m sorry!”

“You only bite your nails when you’re nervous,” Sirius sends a suspicious look over to James who sits very still as if that’ll stop him figuring anything out (it didn’t).

“Um, they uh… they looked quite long so I just thought-“

“Oh my fucking god, James Fleamount Potter!” Sirius shouts making James wince, “You did fucking not shag my baby brother!”

“I didn’t!”

“Oh yes you fucking did!”

“Well maybe I did but he’d already shagged plenty people before me!” James’ eyes widen with realisation, quickly slamming a hand over his mouth in case anything else comes out unwanted.

“James. Fleamount. Potter,” Sirius growls, slowly advancing on the other boy.

James starts to quickly walk backwards to the door, tripping over a jutting out trunk from under the bed.

“Um… Sirius. I didn’t- it wasn’t like that! I didn’t use him! We were in a relationship like a proper one! And I loved him you know and um… sorry for not telling you?” He says breathlessly, words stumbling over each other but Sirius still hadn’t stopped.

Just as Sirius had reached him, James opens the door and sprints down the stairs, Sirius at his heels.

Breathlessly, he runs to the garden where Monty is most likely working, “Dad!” He shrieks, quickly finding Monty and hiding behind him.

Monty chuckles and watches Sirius rush over, glaring at James, “Monty, please could you hand over your son, I’d like to have a very nice and peaceful conversation with him,”

Monty chuckles once more, patting James on the head before turning back to watering the plants.

“Dad!” James groans.

“It’s alright, James. I’m sure he’ll come around eventually, Regulus is his brother and you are his best friend,” James’ head whips around so fast, it cracks.

Rubbing the back of his head, he turns back to Monty, “How’d you know!”

“He came round every Christmas, Jamie, you think I didn’t see you two sneaking off or eyeing each other across the table?” Oh and shit, James hadn’t realised how painfully obvious they were it’s a surprise to be fair that Sirius hadn’t worked it out earlier but really he was almost more oblivious than James. Probably why they got on so well.

“Right,” James grimaces and watches Sirius in the corner of his eye who seems to have taken a full-time job of glaring at him.

“James Potter,” Sirius growls once more.

“Um… yeah?”

“Don’t ‘yeah’ me!”

“What do you want me to say!”

“How about ‘sorry for taking your brother’s virginity!’”

“I told you I didn’t! He’d already shagged plenty-“

“I don’t want to hear it! You still shagged him!”

“And what was I supposed to do? Not shag him?!”

“That’s exactly what you’re supposed to do!” Sirius groans and scrunches his nose in an almost disgusted look, “Can’t believe you shagged my brother,”

“Didn’t believe it either,”

“He’s that good?”

“Yeah-“

“Alright, boys. That’s enough of that, I’d rather not hear about the lovely details of my son’s sex life,” Monty interrupts, coughing to get their attention.

James goes bright red and Sirius starts to laugh, both of them forgetting Monty was beside them.

“Sorry, Dad,” he mumbles quietly whilst Sirius is still laughing.

“It’s alright, Jamie,” he chuckles. Sirius purses his lips and tries very hard to restrain his laughter but that restraint slowly goes to waste.

“Fuck off,” James mutters, sending a glare to Sirius.

“Language!”

“I’m eighteen!”

“I don’t care! Language!”

“Fine,” he mumbles as Sirius starts to drag him somewhere else, probably the library where they’ll be getting some quiet, not like James really wants to be alone with Sirius after admitting he’d shagged his brother.

Sirius quickly shoves him into the library, sitting down in James’ favourite chair just to spite him (it worked).

“You do realise you could’ve told me,”

“I thought you’d beat me up, to be fair,”

“Well I was very close to, until Monty went and turned that around,”

“Sorry,” James mumbles, fiddling with his watch, sitting next to Sirius in another chair, crossing his legs.

“Honestly, if anyone was gonna be with my brother I’d like it to be you and not one of those snobby rich girls,”

“I’m taking that as a compliment,”

“You do that,” silence engulfed the pair of them something that rarely happened.

“So, you’re okay with me being in love with your brother?” James asks, desperate to fill the tense silence.

“I wouldn’t say that, but I’m sure I’ll grow to be okay with it,” Sirius shrugs, “Just don’t talk about him like that,” he grimaces.

“Like what?”

“You know what I mean!”

“I think I’ll need you to spell it out for me,” they both burst out laughing, back to the old times. Both of them holding on to the other trying not to collapse, tears in the corner of their eyes.

“Fuck,” James chokes out, after five minutes of endless laughter.

“Like that,” and then they were back at it again, giggling, throwing themselves at each other to hold on for support, eventually they stop once again, wiping away the tears in their eyes.

“Well, that was probably the best laugh I’ve had for a while,” they link arms and start walking to the living room, Monty and Effie curled up on one of the sofas by the fireplace. They sit down on the floor, grabbing a blanket to spread across the both of them.

“James!” Effie gasps, “Your Quidditch tryouts! I completely forgot! Sirius do you want to come? It’s all day, isn’t it James?”

“Mhm,”

“Can’t believe it! My Jamsie-poo is going to join the England Quidditch team!” Sirius jokes, pinching his cheeks. James bats his hands away, rolling his eyes though the nervous flutters in his stomach never leave.

“Can’t believe it either,”

----- CHAPTER BREAK -----

Soon enough, Wednesday came. Regulus’ insides churned at the thought, nervousness taking control of his stomach.

He needed this. If he didn’t get in God knows what his parents will do to him, but he’d rather not think about that right now.

Kreacher toddled into his room, carrying a Quidditch England uniform and placed it on his bed along with a tray of pancakes and apple juice.

“Thank you, Kreacher,” Regulus smiles gently at the house elf who returns it gratefully before scurrying out of the room once more.

He takes the tray, placing it on his lap but hardly eating anything and only drinking the apple juice quickly before standing up.

Regulus takes the uniform in his hands, examining every small thing about it and tracing his finger along the emblem, a small smile dancing across his features.

“Regulus! Are you dressed?” Walburga shouts from downstairs, though it’s not even ten yet.

“I’m dressing now, Mother!” He shouts down, glancing at the uniform once before putting on his usual turtle-neck jumper with a white shirt underneath and dress trousers Walburga would make him wear even in casual occasions, probably following orders from Orion.

Regulus swallows down some bile that had been creeping up his throat full of nerves. He walks down the stairs, his stomach doing flips.

“Ah, finally! Come on, quickly get in that… uh muggle contraption!” Walburga busied herself putting some bags into Kreacher’s arms who reluctantly walks over to the car boot (Regulus had secretly been doing muggle studies at Hogwarts) and lifts it open before dropping the bags in there.

Regulus quickly walks over to the door, dropping down in the backseat because Walburga was most certainly not driving it. And extremely predictably, Walburga eventually opens the door to the passenger seat and sits down, a man drops into the driver's seat, watching Walburga tackle the seatbelt before showing her how to do it, amusement written all over his face.

She scowls at him before clicking it into place, and suddenly Regulus is very much aware of how real this is right now, his nerves quickly taking over any excitement that might’ve lingered in his stomach.

His hands start to shake, breathing going at a rapid rate that definitely wasn’t natural, his mind fogs up quickly, everything going blank.

He’d learnt that things like this help, keeping your mind blank of worries, just focusing on the now not the future not the past, but it doesn’t really work for a long time, but it does soothe his nerves.

James soothes his nerves, he wishes James was here, James would hold his hand gently and squeeze to reassure him it was going to be fine; James would let him lean his head against his shoulder, James would sing a song Regulus would like. Oh, how he craves that right now in this tight, claustrophobic car.

Just the thought of James begins to calm him more, fake scenarios of a family full of love and no tragic endings. Perfect fantasies filling his head.

James.

James.

James.

“Regulus! Wake up,” the unmistakable voice of Walburga Black jolted him awake, a small smile across his lips, before quickly becoming solemn once more.

He opens his eyes slowly and unbuckles his seatbelt. Regulus lets his eyes drift out of the window before opening the car door, nothing special just a hill presumably getting a Portkey.

Walburga grumbles something under her breath before yanking him out of the door before he could step outside.

“Regulus, get yourself together! It’s so very impolite of you to fall asleep in the car!” She growls under her breath, shooting a glance at the driver who didn’t look twice at them before driving away, an unimpressed look across his face.

“Sorry, Mother,” he mutters, glancing her way and shrinking in on himself as he sees her glare that, surprisingly, don't burn the side of his head.

“We’re meeting some other Pureblood family here to take us to the tryouts, you are not to talk to them, do you understand me?” Walburga glares down at him once more before turning her terrifying gaze to the hill, cursing under her breath as she walks up, red in the face and wearing a full length black Victorian dress definitely wasn’t helping her.

Regulus had to hold back a laugh at the thought and strides ahead of her, eventually reaching the top of the hill and waiting for her, who seems too not even be halfway up yet.

“Regulus,” she hisses, “Help me,” she glared at him, as if daring him to question her.

“Of course, Mother,” he says almost automatically. And so, he does just that, perhaps he maybe drags her a bit too hard, perhaps he dug his nails into her skin a little too much but really who’s complaining? Definitely not him and Walburga has too much pride to admit it, so she just shoots him a glare before finally standing at the top, waiting for the other family.

Oh, and shit.

No.

No.

No.

No.

Why hadn’t James told him? That little sneaky asshole!

Fuck, he wishes he was anywhere but here. How did he not notice the neighbourhood they were in? He used to visit here every bloody Summer and every Christmas! How was he so unobservant?

Shit was the only thing that could describe this meeting, utter bullshit and Regulus was tired and he really didn’t want this. He really didn’t.

Euphemia Potter gave him a small smile that didn’t quite reach her eyes, she must’ve read the scene quite quickly.

Sirius’ mouth fell open for a split second before shutting it, glaring and turning away to talk to Fleamount.

Regulus always liked Fleamount a little bit better than Effie because he was always fascinated with books and he was such a kind heart, always telling Regulus stories or books he didn’t have the copy of. He had showed Regulus the Potter Library on his first day spent there and it was marvellous how easy they talked.

Effie was amazing as well of course, she made the best meals, always knew what to do, and always knew things just by looking at someone. Regulus always wondered if she could read minds by the way she had confronted him about him and James being together, of course she knew, she was Euphemia Potter of course.

James was James of course. Gorgeous, precious James whose head he had messed with by telling him stupid things he most definitely shouldn’t have said, by practically sobbing his heart out on his chest, his warm and welcome arms.

And of course, James was just as surprised as Regulus to see him there, he really didn’t want this because for fucks sake if James got on the team, he’d probably shove himself out of a window because he really wasn’t going to spend the rest of his days figuring out how to avoid him.

“Regulus!” Walburga hisses, grabbing his arm, her nails dragging across his forearm threateningly, “Get yourself together! He is not apart of this family, he is no longer your brother, do you not remember our conversation about that?”

Yes, he did, he vaguely remembers cursing his parents for almost killing their child, remembers being tortured and kicked around in front of his cousins and Aunt and Uncle. Thankfully enough, Bella and Cissa came to his rescue, talking Walburga out of doing anything else.

Andy left a long time ago, running off with some Muggle-born who she thought was worth risking her life for, romantic and utterly adorable in the eyes of practically everyone who knew about it. A risk, for Regulus and so help him God does he wish he could have done that with James but Walburga and Orion for one would go to extreme lengths to hurt everyone he cares about and to make sure to drag him back to the place he could hardly call home without Sirius.

Bastards, the lot of them. Not enough words to describe how much he loathes his disgusting family, they never deserved Sirius or Andy and they certainly don’t deserve Cissa and Bella.

“Regulus! For christ’s sake! Focus!” Walburga grips his arm tighter, and he is not going to risk her carrying out on that threat, so he desperately begs his brain to shut the fuck up and stop thinking about the stares he’s getting.

This is utter bullshit.

The Portkey begins to glow, and he knows, yes, he knows he’s going to have to get very close to someone and have to stand next to them, of course Walburga will not allow him to stray further than an inch from him so there’s no problem there, the only problem is who’s going to be on his right and God does he hope it’s not James or Sirius. Monty comes to his rescue thankfully and stands next to him, ignoring the glare his son his giving him.

Monty gives him a warm smile and focuses on the Portkey, “Shall we do a countdown? I suppose we should,” he nods a bit sheepishly.

Walburga seems to be straining her face in quite a weird angle, perhaps to be perceived as a tight-lipped smile but it only looked like she was constipated, and Regulus had to hold back a laugh at the sight of it.

James stands next to Monty, seemingly disgruntled perhaps from his father being next to Regulus instead of himself or perhaps it’s because of the whole situation all together, but either way he really couldn’t care less. Right?

“Ten,” Monty starts to count, “Nine… eight… seven… six… five… four… three… two… one,” Regulus quickly put a finger on the old and very disgusting shoe.

Before he could process what was happening, they landed on a field of grass and flowers, Monty and Effie landed gracefully while he watches enviously after desperately trying to keep himself on his feet. Sirius and James rolled into each other, falling down the hill like a bunch of bloody idiots.

Walburga, sadly, joined them after regaining her balance and sadly didn’t hit her head on the floor. She glared at Regulus, grabbing his arm and tugging him away to the Pitch.

It was beautiful to say the least. Lights flashed down in every direction, the posts on the other end catching the light. The beautiful rainbow and flecks of light rain made it even more unreal. A flock of people crowding at the bottom, all admiring it as much as himself.

Others who had been called up for their tryout swoop through the air fast. Seekers swooping down every now and again, a glimmer of gold just ahead of them.

That’s what Regulus was trying out for, Seeker. He had been told at Hogwarts by many that he would probably go on to be the greatest Slytherin Seeker to set foot at Hogwarts, so he desperately hoped all that praise wouldn’t just be words.

Walburga gripped into his arm, dragging him towards the changing rooms and quickly leaving him there, and as fast as he could he changes, not wanting to bare being in the same room as James for any longer than he needed to. Regulus whips out his wand and runs it over his body, changing his clothes faster and more lazily.

Once he rushes out, Walburga started dragging him towards the lines, settling down in the B line and finally starting to relax as she sees James go over to the P line, far enough for her to “not catch the blood-traitor disease” in her words.

“Don’t go near Potter, or you will not go unpunished,” she hisses into his ear, her nails digging into his skin, leaving red crescent moon marks. Funny that, Regulus thinks.

Regulus had guessed about Remus’ condition since First Year, well it wasn’t a guess really it was blatantly obvious, the nickname, not coming into classes after a full moon, the jokes about “it’s his time of the month”. He’s quite surprised honestly how nobody else caught on though he’s sure Lily had seeing as she knew everything according to herself.

He and Lily had gotten close once her and Pandora had started to date, in secret for obvious reasons, they got to a point of being best friends, all three of them hanging out from time to time. That was Pandora’s happiest time, she’d had a crush on Lily from Second Year, oh and how cute they were. Adorable, always giggling and blushing, kicking their feet always bumping into each other “accidentally” in the hallways and talking about nonsense for about thirty minutes before Regulus had to drag Pandora off to class.

Everyone who knew about it thought they were destined to be together, maybe they were but Pandora being a Rosier was to marry a man, not like she didn’t like men, she did, she liked both, but she was so utterly in love with Lily sometimes it was unbearable to watch.

Pandora was going to be married off. Her and Lily broke up the night school ended; he was caught in the middle. Tears, sobs, sad eyes and heart break in the both of them, he hated seeing his two best friends he saw as sisters being hurt. His stomach squirmed with an uncomfortably large amount of hatred at the thought.

Then Mary came into the picture.

She was the sun; she was happy and bright and so like Sirius it was infuriating to see sometimes. Pandora had come to accept that Lily couldn’t come back to her no matter if she got out. Lily was in love with someone else and Regulus had never felt hatred to someone he had never met but God could he feel it whenever he saw his best friend.

He saw Lily, well he did. He’s sure they met up a couple of weeks after school broke up, of course Lily had graduated the year before him but that didn’t stop her from going to the Graduation Party, but well. That didn’t end up as they expected it to.

Her and Mary had gotten together six months later. Regulus so glad he didn’t have to meet Mary if he’s honest, he’d probably have had a full-on screaming match with her and that’s the tenth most likely thing he’d do, first being throwing a pot at her head.

“Black, Regulus,” a voice called out, knocking himself out of his thoughts. He widened his eyes, looking around until spotting a worker standing next to the line, looking up expectantly.

“Uh, here,” he said with a weak voice, lifting his hand up slightly, not wanting to seem like a strange schoolboy.

Heads turned to face him, darkening as they spot Walburga next to him and quickly turning around in case they get obliterated to small slips of their clothing that must have been expected of them. If he’s honest, he wouldn’t have expected any less from her.

The man walks over to him, “Ma’am you will have to stay here, I can leave someone with you if you’re not comfortable, but we do not allow any visitors in the stands at this moment,” he says curtly and quickly turns, ushering Regulus to follow him, with a hesitant glance to Walburga, he follows.

She glares holes into both the worker and his heads, before quickly moving to sit at a bench not too far away but far enough she wouldn’t have to deal with anyone. Not like anyone would like to bother her either way.

Regulus is quite flabbergasted at the way this worker talked to Walburga, he was surprised and confused if he was being honest. Because nobody talked to Walburga Black that way unless they wanted an early death sentence. This man had some nerve.

The worker stopped behind none other than James fucking Potter. God's sake, first he’d have to work with him in the tryouts and now he’d have to face the possibility they both got into the team.

What a lovely day.

Utterly wonderful.

James must’ve sensed his presence or something because he turns around to face Regulus, now he was maybe just a little two close, practically daring Regulus to step back but he’d rather James’ face away right. This. Second because it was getting quite unbearable to not turn and sprint away.

Finally, he turns after spending at least two minutes studying every inch of his face. Finally. The worker next to him looks amused as if that very tense moment was a nice little show for him to grab popcorn and sit laughing at.

James’ name is called, and he grabs his broom before lifting off into the air.

“Exes huh?” The worker asks.

“Uh, yeah,” he says, quite uncomfortably.

“I get it,” the man hums, smiling quite strangely.

“Oh,” is all he can muster before turning back to watch James- huh? Not James, why would he watch James?

“Xenophilius Lovegood,” the worker, or should he say Xenophilius says, holding out a hand to shake.

Regulus takes it, nodding slowly, wondering if he’s missing something, “Regulus Black,”

“Yes, I already knew that,”

“I guessed,”

Xenophilius nods, humming slightly again as if trying to fill the awkward silence that was very much Regulus’ fault for being so curt with the man.

Finally, his name is called once more and he grabs his broom, taking off rather quickly, hopefully Walburga hadn’t noticed and wouldn’t confront Xenophilius about it but it’s not like she was a Quidditch fanatic, she probably didn’t even know what a broom was.

Regulus circles the pitch, in the corner of his eye he spots James look very much good on his broom- what he means is doing very much good on his broom, as in for flying around. Yeah.

James gives him a quick smile that turns slightly sad before he focuses his gaze onto the Quaffle that sails through the air towards him. He catches it and speeds over to the other teams' goalposts and scoring with a wild look in his eyes.

Absentmindedly, Regulus smiles before catching himself and begging Walburga hadn’t noticed. He refocuses and skims his eyes across the pitch for a potential flicker of gold and a flutter of wings.

It’s currently 60-20 to them, so he’s sure if he catches the Snitch now it’ll end faster, and God does he want it to go faster just to get as far away from James as possible.

Below him, he sees the other teams’ seeker glancing occasionally at him, he remembers her, Marlene, was it? Yes, he’s sure. She played Seeker for Gryffindor a couple years back, leaving her role as Captain when she left along with James who had shared the role with her.

She was good, he had to admit but easily fooled as he started a dive down for the ground, pretending to have seen the Snitch. Marlene quickly followed him and just as soon as he was about to reach the ground, he swung up gracefully, leaving Marlene to go plummeting to the ground.

Easy, like he had said.

James looked over at him, he could feel his eyes on him but didn’t dare look, he really didn’t need that look. That look that held everything to him close, the look so full of love it physically hurt him. Fucking hell, he thought, James would be the death of him one day.

Marlene eventually stumbled onto the ground, quickly recovering and glaring his way before retreating to the side where she said huffing and grumbling under her breath.

Dorcas was dating her, he remembered, that’s where he had remembered her from. She would sneak into her dorm, all cuddled up together, practically one as they held each other so tightly you didn’t know where one started and the other ended.

They were adorable, he had to admit, keeping their little beautiful secret apart from those that would hurt them, but it was such a beautiful secret, full of life and kindness. Regulus wished he and James could have stayed like that sometimes, envy coursing through his veins at odd moments when he sees a couple walk by.

Shit , he thinks, Dorcas must be here to. Shit.

Now that wouldn’t be good, no. Walburga cannot see him with her, and Dorcas would very likely be throwing her arms around him right now if it wasn’t for the tryouts.

Bloody fucking hell.

Walburga Black was many things, those included: racist, homophobic etc. but one thing she wasn’t, was incestuous because for some weird reason she took her incest relationship with a prideful look and a prideful walk every-time she walked out of the house.

That’s what she does now as she walks towards the stands, lifting her many skirts up as she sits down, ignoring the workers around her practically begging and crawling at her feet to leave.

Idiots.

God, does he hope she won’t make him lose this, if he does lose this it might not be the only thing he’s gonna lose.

That was a joke. A joke.

Regulus quickly trails his gaze away from her and across the pitch, begging for any sign of the Snitch that seemed to have vanished off of the face of the bloody earth.

“All good?” He is not exaggerating because he did actually almost fall off of his broom. He brings a hand to his chest, closing his eyes before looking over at James.

“Brilliant,” he mutters, desperately trying to look anywhere but at the boy so bloody close to him he’d gladly push him off of his broom if he gets any closer.

Then James does exactly that, but he’s not sure if he will actually.

“What do you want, Potter?” Regulus says quietly, searching the pitch and definitely not restraining himself from looking into the deep, hazel eyes next to him.

He can practically see James wince but he swallows down the lump in his throat, barely getting rid of any trace of guilt in his gut. Stupid bloody feelings. God’s sake, he was still in love with James, wasn’t he? That little shit can’t seem to get out of his head.

James is this, James is that, he’s starting to sound like Sirius. That thought alone sends shivers up his spine, he’s not Sirius.

He won’t ever be the boy who held his baby brother right against his chest after a bad beating, he wouldn’t be the young boy who stood in front of his cowering brother who cried out for his parents. He won’t ever be the boy who got out of the house and into the boy who had a stupid hero complex’s arms.

No, he’d always be Regulus Arcturus Black. The boy who couldn’t get out, the boy who cried out at night for someone who couldn’t have him. The boy who cried endlessly through the day, waiting for the day when everything was quiet. Regulus Arcturus Black. Always the Mama’s boy.

A Bludger whistled past him, missing his head by an inch and dragging him out of his very depressive thoughts and leading him to focus on the game. He never seemed to go ten minutes without drifting off into his own thoughts.

“Regulus?” A soft voice behind him said.

He quickly turns, finding James. Again, “Yes?” He hisses.

“You okay?” Then he feels a couple of tears falling down his face. Shit. Why does James have to look so bloody concerned? Couldn’t he just fuck off? Could he not see that Regulus wasn’t in the mood for the flutter of familiar butterflies in the pit of his stomach or the feeling of his face heating up like a bloody schoolboy. Like. A. Bloody. Schoolboy.

“Mhm,” he mutters, not wanting to look in the other boy’s direction for the rest of the tryouts and failing almost immediately when he goes after the Quaffle. Bloody fucking hell. A fucking schoolboy.

He was drooling over James Fleamount Potter like a fucking schoolboy.

Oh, what would Walburga say! Regulus rolls his eyes mentally, trying his best not to laugh at that. He’s just hilarious, all right?

Regulus scans the pitch once more, drifting lazily over to the other teams’ goalposts, searching for the Snitch and definitely not to see James score once more. That would be an absolutely ridiculous assumption. It’s right.

James once more, the devil, goes over and plummets the Quaffle into the posts, smiling widely earning approving looks to the others around them. Utterly, ridiculous, Regulus thinks, atrociously ridiculous and horribly fit.

A blur of gold shoots across his vision, blocking the wonderful sight of James Potter and grabbing his attention for a couple of seconds before he’s back at watching the other boy.

And finally, it hits him like a train, that was the fucking Snitch. He mentally slaps himself and shoots off towards where he’s figured it could’ve gone.

There it was! Flitting around the stands opposite to where Walburga is sulking, though he tried to forget about that, he quickly flies over, the Snitch just out of reach yet so close.

It’s a game of cat and mouse, every now and then Regulus wonders if he’s the mouse, the Snitch under his gaze the whole time but yet unable to reach. It infuriates him. He desperately accelerates forward, begging that fate was on his side today.

And it was.

After a few more seconds of intense glaring at the hand reaching out for the glittery form, his hand closes around it, the wings flapping agitatedly against the palm of his hand. A cheer rises from his teammates, successful in making him feel ecstatic, his whole body fizzing with the warmth.

James flies over to him, smiling at him gently. He doesn’t seem to want to come any closer to Regulus, keeping his distance from his private space. That’s the thing about James, he always knows when someone doesn’t want to be touched, always knows but at this moment the only thing he craves his James’ gentle touch in his hair and his gentle lips kissing him just as magically.

Fucking schoolboy.

He looks over to the stands, and sure enough Walburga sits stubbornly, her lips pursed, not even an ounce of happiness. Bitch.

Regulus gently settles down to the floor, walking off towards the changing rooms, hoping for little to no conversation with anyone else. He really didn’t have the energy right now.

Just his luck that James decides to walk in, a gentle smile on his face as he spots Regulus. The fucker.

He quickly turns after feeling his cheeks heat up again. Grabbing his wand and wondering if it would be best to use that to change. He eventually realised it would seem a bit rude and grabs his clothes, throwing a jumper over the jersey and quickly changing out of his shorts and into the usually dress trousers Walburga forced him to wear.
He tries his best to ignore the presence of James next to him and failing. Regulus stuffs the uniform into his bag and heads out, hearing James finishing as well. The chatter of others, following him out, James practically breathing down his neck.

“Regulus?” James says just as he was about to reach the door.

“Yeah?” he turns around, trying his very best not to notice the small distance between the two of them, or how he can feel James’ breath on his lips. He fails.

“Um, you’d tell me if things got bad at home, right? I know you can’t talk to Sirius, and you probably don’t wanna talk to me, but I just would like to know and if you’d like you could come back with me. I know what you're gonna say but think about it and send me a letter when things get bad, please,” James starts to ramble and honestly, in Regulus’ eyes it might be the most attractive thing he’s ever come across.

“Oh, um. Sure, James. I’ll try, but I don’t think it’s possible to go back with you. Um, thank you though,” he manages a small smile after realises James was expecting an answer, “I promise I’ll try,”

That seems to satisfy James enough that he nods and smiles at Regulus before walking past him, his arm only slightly grazing his own and that slight contact makes a rush of memories come back to him.

A memory of a slight graze of arms in the corridor, a memory of secret smiles in the hallways. A memory of a gentle hug in a hidden corner. A memory of a secret room full of laughter and love.

James.

James.

James.

----- CHAPTER BREAK -----

Yes, he had talked to Regulus after practically goggling at him for the entire tryouts. And yes, he might have gone a bit more in depth than he thought. Also, yes he might have rambled a little too much but at least he got his point across.

At least he hopes so.

“Prongs, please tell me you didn’t talk to Reg,” Sirius had walked into his room after getting back.

“Well you see, I can’t really tell you that, because that’d be technically lying,” James smiles, sheepishly. Sirius definitely looked unimpressed.

“What did you tell him?” He sighs, sitting beside James on his bed, flipping through a magazine he had found on his desk.

“I asked if he was alright two times and then I told him he’s always welcome here and that I’d like if he could tell me if things got bad again,” He runs a hand through his hair, nervously, suddenly overthinking about whether he should’ve done that or not.

“Oh, Prongs,” Sirius says, fondly, leaning into his shoulder, “Don’t beat yourself up trying to help him, you know he won’t accept it, he doesn’t know what it’s liked to be cared for, Walburga and Orion made sure of that,”

James swallows, nodding knowing that he’s going to do exactly the opposite of whatever Sirius says, that’s the way things have bin since First Year.

“Alright, Pads, but I’m not giving up, I’m going to help him either way,” James smiled sheepishly watching Sirius sigh and roll his eyes in the most dramatic fashion, “What?”

“God, Prongs, you need to get a grip of yourself, every time you or someone mentions Reg you go all heart eyes,”

“No I do not! Anyway, you can’t talk with the way you look at Moony!”

“Shut up,” Sirius blushes furiously and glares at James like he actually means it.

“Just bloody ask him out, Sirius! He likes you!”

“No, he doesn’t,” Sirius glares at him and stands up, “We’ll talk about this later, James,”

He’s definitely annoyed when he calls him James, he hardly ever does that but in all fairness he only wanted Sirius to get his oblivious head out of his arse.

Moony too as well, both boys have been ranting to James since Third Year and it’s giving him way too many migraines so he’s definitely their number one supporter no matter what Marlene says.

“Jamie?” His mum walks in, holding some hot chocolate, “You wanna come down stairs, Sūraja?”

“Yeah, Mamī,” he throws on a jumper, not exactly noticing it was the one he had stolen from Regulus a year ago, and walks downstairs into the living room, dropping down onto a cushion by the fire.

“Prongs…” Sirius narrows his eyes at him, flicking towards his face and his jumper, “Where’d you get that jumper?”

“Uh, from my wardrobe?”

“It’s not yours though,” James looks down at the jumper and finally realising what Sirius meant.

“Uh, well you see, a year ago I decided it was a good idea to take Reggie’s jumper because I liked it and it smelled like him and I kept it,” he nods sheepishly, watching Sirius’ face grow rapidly more annoyed.

“Why was it not on his body?”

“Well, you see… uh, he was very hot because we had a fire, yeah,” he nods again as if to reassure himself that he was right.

“I highly doubt that,” Sirius sighs loudly and puts his head against the wall, feigning exhaustion.

“Alright, Pads. You believe what you want to believe,” James grins at him before turning back to his mum and dad who just came into the room, a monopoly set in hand.

“Alright, Pi'ārē. Me and Monty thought we should have a family game night,” she grins at her husband as they settle down on the floor, Sirius following.

His eyes looked a bit watery, perhaps from the way James’ mum had casually said the word ‘family’ and he was happy that Sirius was part of their little family, a swell of pride overtaking his heart.

“Sounds good, Mamī,” James grins once more, and helps unpack the monopoly set, everyone knowing full well the two boys were going to try their shot at cheating.

“Oo, can I have the dog?” Sirius says, winking at James, both boys laughing at their private joke.

“Sure, Sirius,” James’ dad smiles at him, throwing him the dog figurine and everyone cheers as Sirius catches it because he’s known for having shit catching skills.

“Go on, Pads!” James shrieks at the top of his voice, his cheeks hurting from the amount of smiling he’s done for the past five minutes.

Sirius glares at him and places the dog on the starting point, throwing James his signature car and Monty the hat, and his mum, the T-Rex.

“Oldest to youngest or youngest to oldest?” His mum asks.

“Youngest,” James says almost instantly.

“That’s because you’re the youngest,” Sirius scoffs.

“Oh well,”

“James wake up, you wanker!” Sirius smacks him with a pillow, waking him up from a very very nice dream he had hoped to stay in for maybe a couple more hours, looks like his best mate had other plans.

“What?” he grumbles, sitting up and rubbing his eyes, blindly trying to find his glasses until Sirius grows impatient and shoves them on his face.

“It’s Christmas, you idiot,” he huffs and drags James by the arm, running all the way down to the living room where Monty and Effie sit, curled up around each other and drinking hot chocolate.

“Hey Mamī, Pitā jī,” he smiles weakly, sitting down as close as he can get to the fire without burning himself, watching Sirius fuss over the presents and tree.

“Right, there. That looks better, yes,” Sirius nods before turning to Effie and Monty and smiling widely, “Oldest to youngest or youngest to oldest?”

“Well, we did youngest to oldest last night so let’s do oldest, today,” Monty smiles and him and his wife get up, sitting down beside James, waiting for Sirius to hand him their presents.

That’s been the routine since he started living with the Potters. Let Sirius sort out the ‘messy’ present order underneath the tree and then ask if they should do youngest to oldest or oldest to youngest.

James thinks Sirius gets all fussy over the tree and presents because he’s still waiting for Regulus to come back and, from obvious experience, he knows Regulus hates messy things. It’s rather sad when he thinks about it for a bit, no matter if Sirius says he hates him and could never love him again of course he loves him, they’re brothers.

“Thanks, Pi'ārē,” Effie takes the present from Sirius, smiling gratefully and opens it, “Aw, Jēmasa,” she smiles at James and takes out the long, flowery dress.

“I wasn’t sure what to get you so I settled for this dress ‘cause it reminded me of you,” he smiles and hugs his mum.

“I love it,” she kisses his cheek, “Monty, it’s you next,”

James smiles down at his present, tears welling in his eyes, “You really didn’t need to get me this, Sirius, the present I got you looks awful against this one,”

“Prongs, shush, it was amazing, anyway, there’s like doors on all the stars and it gives you facts about them,” Sirius smiles and opens one of the ‘doors’ on his star.

“I fucking love it, Pads,”

“Language,” Monty mutters, though he grins at the both of them.

James and Sirius throw each other into a hug, a mess of happy tears and laughter, falling flat onto the floor, and after a couple of minutes they pull apart.

James gets the star constellation sheet and quickly goes upstairs and puts it gently on his bedside table, trailing his hands over them, memories of Astronomy tower nights and facts spilling out of a curly haired, bright eyed boy whose eyes sparkled every time he talked about them. Hand-holding, gentle kisses and falling asleep on one another’s shoulders, only to wake up to a beautiful sunrise.

Tears roll down his face, dripping onto his lap. After a while, he takes a deep breath and grabs his red converse and jacket, heading down the stairs and calling out a, “Going for a run,”

James opens the front door and shuts it quickly before grabbing his wand and Apparates to the small town in London.

He lands in a small alleyway before walking into the deserted street and grabbing a rock and throwing it at the coffee shop’s top window and it clangs against the glass.

The curtains whip open and the girl grins at him before running down the stairs and flicking on the light, opening the locked door and beckoning him in.

“James! I wonder what brings you here, on Christmas Day!” Nyssa says sarcastically, walking over to the coffee machine and starts making him his pumpkin latte.

“Yes, I do wonder,” he laughs, leaning on the counter, yawning, “My best mate woke me up way too early,” he grumbles.

“That’s too bad,” she laughs, handing him his pumpkin latte and goes back to making the English tea, “Waiting for your special someone again?” She asks, knowingly.

“Yup,” he nods, sighing softly, “Never seems to come out, only came out once in the whole three months I’ve been waiting,” James huffs.

“Is the person the guy I saw you rush out the shop towards, by any chance?” Nyssa smiles softly, tilting her head.

“Uh,” James hesitated, wondering if she’d mind at all, “Yeah… yeah,” he coughs, looking at her sheepishly, hoping she wasn’t judgemental like he’d known most Muggles to be.

“That’s sweet, that you do that for him, oh and don’t worry I’m not homophobic,” she turns back to the tea and pours it into a cup before handing it to him, “Go get your man,” she laughs.

“Thanks, Nyssa,” he grins at her, before forcing ten pounds into her hand despite her vain attempts to give it back to him.

“Bye, James,” she rolls her eyes as he walks away. In the corner of his eye he sees her lock up once again, walking back up the stairs to an empty home.

Him and Nyssa had gotten on very well the first time they met, a lot like he and Marlene had, he’d told her rather hurriedly that he needed the tea otherwise it was pointless, she hadn’t understood until the next few days he had gone to get it. Eventually, they started getting more personal, talking about their families, Nyssa had told him that her mum and dad had died and her brother hated her. Her and Lily would definitely get on well.

James walks through the streets, looking at all the closed shops, wreaths on every door finishing off the Christmas-y look. He walks over to the bench he and Regulus had sat on before, the water fountain gently running water out of a mermaids mouth.

He waits, he watches the unmoving house, knowing somehow that Regulus sees him from behind those curtains. So, he waits. And waits, hoping that the star-loving boy comes out.

Regulus sees James, of course he does but he’s not allowed to go out, no matter if he is there, Walburga would kill him. Guests arrived hours ago meaning he’d been locked in his room for hours and he was bored out of his mind while trying to read a book he’s sure he’s read over a million times.

He huffs and opens the curtains, going onto the balcony that’s obscured by magic so Muggles don’t see him, yes he knows James can see him and yes he is daring him to come over.

And also, yes James seems to take that to his advantage to come over which Regulus had not been expecting but he definitely should’ve realised sooner than later that James would quite literally do anything whether it’s unexpected or not.

“Hey,” James smiles, “Not allowed to come down?”

“Nope, I’d rather they didn’t get mad at me today,” Regulus sends him a tight-lipped smile.

“Right,” James nods, the silences stretches out for quite a while before he suddenly comes to his senses, “Oh right, um, do you want your tea?”

“Yeah,” James grabs his wand and sends it up before shoving it back into his pocket, he catches it and takes a sip, “Thanks, James,” a ghost of a smile flits across his face before it becomes solemn once more.

“So, it’s Christmas Day, I know you don’t get anything from your parents so I wanted to get you something and I don’t know if you’ll like it but I hope you do because I know you like stars, wait no I just gave it away, shit um-”

“James, it’s okay, I’m sure I’ll love it,” he smiles slightly, he really hates to admit but he loves it when James does that, “I promise,”

James let’s out a relieved sigh and grins at Regulus before sending it up. He catches it and smiles down at the star wrapping, tracing his finger around it before gently opening it, making sure not to rip any of the wrapping, hoping to hide it away underneath the loose floorboard he had found out about in first year.

It’s a bowl. A bowl shaped like a star, writing carved at the bottom that says ‘Regulus’ in fancy writing that reminds Regulus of his own. It’s painted in different shades of yellow so that it looks 3D. It’s filled to the brim with small flowers, pins, sweets and chocolate.

He lets out a gasp as he feels his eyes water slightly, “It’s amazing, James,” he swallows, “I really love it, like a lot,” he laughs.

Regulus looks down at James who watches him with a soft look in his eye that he pretends he doesn’t know the meaning to.

“I fucking love it,” he adds, letting out a laugh from James.

“I really hoped you would, it took a really long time. Also, don’t like put it anywhere where it can get damaged it’s very breakable,” James lets out a breathy laugh and grins up at Regulus.

“Didn’t know you did pottery,” he smiles back softly, carefully walking over to the broken floorboard and placing the bowl inside beside cards and presents. He hardly hears the next thing James says but manages it only slightly.

“I don’t,” he smiles sadly at Regulus before waving, “Gotta go, Reggie, mum wants me…” he checks his watch, “Now,” he laughs nervously, “You should stop by sometime,” he smiles at Regulus before running around the corner and an unmistakable ‘crack’ of someone Apparating reaches his ears.

James’ words echo around Regulus’ head while he falls into his bedsheets, scrunching them up under his fists.

Didn’t know you did pottery.

I don’t.

----- CHAPTER BREAK -----

James’ words follow him around for the rest of the night, travelling across the two sides of his mind at record speed, always in the shadows waiting for a moment to make themselves known.

James had made him a bowl of stars and flowers, pins and gifts without having absolutely no idea how to do pottery in the first place unless he woke up one day and thought ‘oh what a wonderful idea to make a pun about how my name is Potter so I should make a bowl for little, old Reggie’.

Gods, does Regulus hope he didn’t.

He kneels down beside the floorboard, taking it off before reaching into the hole, pulling out the beautiful bowl, tracing the outline with his middle finger hoping for maybe a glimpse of James along with it.

How Regulus wishes he wasn’t in love.

He doesn’t get it. The magic or the peace or the fireworks when you’re in love. It’s really quiet but a jumble of mess. It’s sad but amazing, it’s beautiful but ugly, it’s guns and canons but then it’s a soft white, surrendering flag blowing in the wind. Then sometimes it’s like how everyone says, hot chocolate in autumn and a massive array of fireworks.

That’s what loving James feels like, a total mess.

But he craves to be loved just as much as he does love.

He smiles softly and takes a the small lavenders out of the bowl, setting it inside the floorboard, closing it off and sitting back on his bed, smelling the beautiful flowers softly before setting them in his bedside drawer.

Regulus sighs, and glances out his window again, subconsciously hoping James hadn’t left.

And that’s all he can think about now.

James.

James.

James.

James sits down as quietly on the sofa as he can without drawing any attention to himself which doesn’t work as he trips over his own feet. And landing flat on his face in the middle of the living room.

“Alright down there, Prongs?” Sirius grins, smugly.

James groans, “How long have you wanted to say that for?”

“Since you started calling me short,”

“Yeah, ‘cause you are,” James goes and sits on the sofa, running a hand through his hair whilst grinning at Sirius.

“Fuck you,”

“You’re brother’s-”

“Right, that’s enough,” Effie interrupts, laughing and kisses James’ forehead, “So how did it go with Regulus?”

“Uh, how did you know it was him?” James smiles, sheepishly.

“Where else would you be going? So, how did it go?” Effie smiles sweetly, leaning her head on her husbands shoulder, intertwining their hands.

James wants a kind of love like that. Where they can be out and open, holding hands, kissing cheeks, hugs, obvious couple things.

He wanted that when he was with Regulus and he wants that now with him. James wants to kiss him softly in the street, to intertwine their hands, he wants to take him out on romantic dates and gift him with flowers without the judgemental eye on them.

James wants that beautiful love.

“It was nice, you know how I was making that bowl? Yeah, that was for him, I put pins and flowers and gifts in it. I think he liked it, I hope so, I got him his usual tea as well,” James smiles at his parents, remembering what happened only a few minutes ago.

“Well, of course he would love it, Jēmasa,” Effie smiles at him, holding his hand gently as well.

“Did he get you a gift?” Sirius stretches, yawning even though it is clearly midday.

“No, but I told him it didn’t matter,” Sirius goes over to him, sitting on the floor in front of him, silently asking him to plait his hair.

“He probably did and like sneakily put it in your pocket or something,” Sirius smiles at James slightly, “Oh! I know! He’s gonna probably Floo it over here! He would definitely do that,”

James grins down at Sirius, plaiting his hair in french braids, how they like it, “Sometimes I wonder if you actually like that I still like him,” he laughs.

“‘Like’ is a bit underrated and just because I’m all of a sudden supporting it doesn’t mean I’m not annoyed that you two didn’t have the balls to tell me,” Sirius pinches James leg playfully and laughs when he yelps.

“Oi!” James glares at them, mock-annoyed.

“That’s for shagging my broth-”

“Yes! Yes! We don’t need to know about our sons vivid sex life, Sīrī'asa,” Monty chuckles, and Sirius grins at the use of the nickname Monty and Effie had started to call him.

James grimaces, going red, “Pitā jī,”

“Yes, well it does sound quite vivid-”

“Okay, okay boys that’s enough,” Effie laughs, “Who wants a Christmas Lunch?”

“Me! I’m so hungry!” Sirius jumps up, running over to the table.

“Hungry for Moony?” James whispers as he sits next to him, smirking at the blush over his best friend’s cheeks.

“Stop,” Sirius groans, putting his head in his hands dramatically, “I’m not hungry anymore because of you,”

“You’re not denying it,” James pokes him, laughing.

“‘Cause it’s true, isn’t it? He hates me James, Lord he’s already found out that’s why he’s not talking to me,” Sirius cries into his hands.

“He’s probably re-writing his love letter again,”

“That wasn’t him, you know that,”

“I don’t though?”

“Moons doesn’t do love letters, Prongs!”

“But he’d do them for you,” James grins. The last year of Hogwarts, Sirius had started to receive strange love letters, complimenting him and insulting him it was hilarious to watch his face go bright red every morning, (more so for James and Peter than Remus and Sirius which James found strange) after reading a “private message” which he wouldn’t let James read no matter if he begged on his knees or not.

“Fuck off,” Sirius goes red, “You think I should ask him out though? What if he hates me after what happened in 5th Year? God, I’m so stupid! He hates me!” he adds after a moment of silence.

“He’s gonna ask you out in like a couple of years so it’s better to ask him when he comes here tomorrow, okay?” he gets up, pacing next to Sirius, almost skipping with happiness.

“I don’t know, James-”

“Please, Pads, for me?” James goes over to Sirius, getting down on his knees in a praying position which gets a startled laugh out of Sirius.

“Whatever,”

“Is that a yes!” he jumps up, wide eyes which made him look like a little kid (though Remus would say he was).

“Yes,” Sirius says quietly, sighing with a pink trail across his cheeks.

“Oh my God! Oh my God! Oh my God!” James brings Sirius into a hug, squeezing him as tight as possible, dragging him out of his chair and holding onto him still.

“Get off,” Sirius grumbles, fondly.

“Don’t shag in my bed though,” James pulls back a bit, saying it almost sternly.

“I’ll do that just for teasing me,”

“You wouldn’t,” he gasps, dramatically.

“I would,” Sirius grins.

“At least clean my bed afterwards,” James grimaces, not meaning any of it because who cares what his best friend does? At least he’s finally asked his crush out!

“Anything for you, Prongsybear,”

“Are you gay, Sirius?”

“Stupid question,” they laugh, falling onto each other for support only to tumble to the floor after tripping over their own feet, practically rolling around, only stopping when Monty comes in, looking around with wide eyes.

“Get up, you maniacs,” Monty laughs, helping them to their feet, chuckling softly.

“Is Mum making Lunch now?” James asks as he remembers what they were there for.

“Yes, she’s coming in a sec or she might still be folding the washing,” he rolls his eyes, fondly, smiling at the thought of his wife.

“Thank God, I thought I was gonna die of hunger,” Sirius drapes himself over a chair, dramatically clutching his stomach as Effie comes into the room, rolling her eyes, fondly.

“Sirius, if you’re so hungry, come help me,”

“I can’t cook, you know?”

“How about I teach you?” his face lights up, quickly getting out of his chair and running over to wear Effie stands in the pantry, rummaging around.

“So what do you need?” James and Monty watch the two of them start to cook, grabbing the silverware and setting it down feeling like a proper family, at least James hopes they do.

Is Regulus being very ridiculous right now? Yes. Definitely. Because this is so stupid and he’s currently rethinking his whole entire life at this moment, wrapping up James’ present and crouching down beside the fireplace.

“Fucking, stupid lunatic,” he smiles, placing the card on top and placing it into the green flames, watching it disappear into the wind.

He did get James a Christmas present he’s not a barbarian. Regulus just hopes James remembers what they used to do every year, sending their gifts by Floo so it did come as a shock when James was stood outside his house.

The music downstairs was still going, a good sign. He rushes across to his bedroom, unlocking it and locking it again, crossing his fingers that nobody had come up and noticed his absence.

Regulus curls up on his bed before changing his mind and walking towards his balcony, sitting down on a chair and watching the world silently, hardly noticing the cold if not at all.

He starts to hum absentmindedly, remembering James as much as he could, remembers him in every shape and form in which brings a smile to his face.

Regulus stayed out on the balcony for some time, listening to birds, watching the sky, a smile smile etched upon his face as he recalled memories he hadn’t remembered for a while, all the while the party downstairs slowly drifts to a stop, the dulling music finally stops and the chatter of the guests fades out into the streets.

“Regulus,” Walburga demands from the doorway of his room, standing with a stoic face as per usual.

He turns around slowly, scared she had found out about James’ present or she had been tracking the Floo lately.

“Yes, Mother?” He puts on a fake smile, looking at her expectantly.

“I thought you weren’t in touch with Sirius? That is what we told you to do, am I correct?”

“Of course, Mother,” he keeps his face as stoic as he can, knowing full well she had found out about the Floo being used.

“Have you not been in touch with Sirius?” She asks, calmly. Too calmly. A dangerous calm.

“I have not, just like you wished of me,” Regulus grits his jaw and keeps Walburga’s locked gaze.

“Well,” she walks around his room, studying every inch, “The Floo has been used earlier today, around an hour and a half after the guests came in,”

She turns to him once more, “Could you explain that?”

Regulus swallows, his throat drying and his hands tremble slightly, so he puts them behind his back as subtly as he can, “The England Team had asked of me to send back the uniform because they needed to do some more tryouts for newcomers,”

Silence hangs in the room, tension so thick he was sure he could cut it. The thing is, he wasn’t truly lying, the England Team had asked that of him, but he had sent it yesterday by Kreacher who had told him that he hadn’t told his ‘Mistress’. Regulus just hoped she would by it.

“Hm, I’ll be in touch with them,” she turns around and walks out the room but turns at the doorway, “You know the consequences if you lie, Regulus,” and whips back around, head held high and walks down the lengthy stairs.

He lets out a small whimper as she closes the door, walking to his bed with trembling legs and collapses onto it, willing himself to finally let go.

Regulus doesn’t cry. Hasn’t cried for ten years. Yes, that must seem a bit distressing especially as it’s ten years but he’s relieved in all honesty, he doesn’t cry when he gets punished and didn’t cry when all the people he loved left.

He hasn’t cried in ten years because the last time he cried was when he was eight and Sirius had gotten punished for the first time, though he supposes it wasn’t the first time, merely the first time he’d seen it happen.

He hadn’t cried since then because that was also the first time he had got punished, “Cry, Regulus, cry and cry and cry,” Walburga had smiled with a wicked gleam in her eyes, laughing quietly before a hand latched around her arm, gripping it hard enough it could leave marks.

“Stop, darling,” Orion, grips it harder, leaving Walburga to yelp and drop her wand.

“I am sorry,” she bowes her head and walks to her and Orion’s room, he walks up with her, leaving two frightened and scarred children on the ground holding onto each other clumsily.

He lets out a shaky breath and rocks back on forth on his soft bed, closing his eyes and trying to remember as many nice memories as he could, holding onto them through clumsy hands.

Think.

Think.

Think.

“Sirius!” He glares at him before taking back his pigs ‘n blanket.

“What?” Sirius grins, innocently.

James rolls his eyes, fondly and finishes the Christmas Lunch, waiting for the three others to finish before washing up his plate and putting it on the side.

“Thanks, Mum,” he kisses Effie’s cheek before going into the living room and waiting for the rest of them to come in.

“What about me? I cooked as well!” Sirius grumbly comes in, sitting on the floor in front of James to carry on plaiting his hair.

“I don’t know I think Mum did most of the work-” James begins but a neatly wrapped box slams into his head from the fireplace, “What the fuck!” He groans and rubs his forehead and shoots Sirius and his parents a glare as they start laughing.

“Oh, Pi'ārē, here, here,” Effie grabs a wet cloth, and puts it against his head, still laughing softly.

James takes the cloth gratefully and sighs in relief as he feels his head cool down from the contact.

“What was that?” Sirius says in between his hysterical laughing.

“I don’t know!” James says, grumpily, and hands Sirius the box, “You check,”

“Oo, it says to James, how cute, he did get you a gift and if you ask me to read the card, I’m not going to,” Sirius passes him the present again, calming down from his uncontrollable laughing.

He takes the small box in his hands and puts the wet cloth down beside him, much more interested in the beautiful handwriting that wrote his name.

James slowly opens it, hardly noticing his parents and Sirius sitting down on the sofa beside him. The card had a stag across it, his name once again wrote above it which made him laugh.

He opens it, letting out a deep breath and reading it, slowly taking in the words and smiling down at it.

Deer James, (yes I know, I’m very funny)

I hoped you like the front cover, I found it in a shop but I wrote your name on it, obviously. I’m sure Monty, Effie and Sirius are reading over your shoulder so I’ll keep it short and simple (but do tell them Happy Christmas as well, I did get them presents but they’ll be arriving by the Muggle Post on Boxing Day).

You’re ridiculously stupid and very sappy for the present I must say and I know you want me to come with you but I’ll see you during Quidditch because I have no doubt you got in along with me as having very highly appreciated parents can come in hand sometimes.

I miss you as much as I always have, I wonder sometimes whether or not you think about me as much as I do you, have a wonderful Christmas though, Jaime.

All ways yours, Regulus.

James swallows and smiles sadly down at the card, why is he crying? Perhaps it was the thought of Regulus or perhaps it was the way, even on paper, of Regulus’ personality that only reminded him of their secret nights and stolen stares, watching the stars.

Yes, that was probably it.

----- CHAPTER BREAK -----

Sirius wasn’t the type to commit to relationships, and yes he was very aware that he’d broken a fair few hearts in his time at Hogwarts but up until now he hadn’t want to fully commit to someone, and then Remus Lupin walked into their compartment, September the 1st, in 4th year and he looked different. A good different.

That was the start if this terrible, terrible crush.

Whole of 4th year was spent fantasising of one Moony and gazing out the window imagining what his lips looked like, probably how he hadn’t noticed James being pitifully in love with his brother.

Moony this, Moony that. Sirius really does wonder how James didn’t catch on quickly, but again, he was too busy with his brother.

5th year came around, the prank came and if he didn’t know he was broken and rotten before he sure did then. Snape, the greasy twit, slipped some Veratisum into his drink that afternoon, cornered him and practically jumped with joy as Sirius spat out everything.

That’s when he turned to Reg, horrible choice of a friend, he’s very aware, befriending your practically estranged brother because you have no other friends? Not one of his best acts, he can admit.

Reg was being a little shit, blah blah blah, and then he became rather useful, glaring him down and telling him 'to get his shit together' or he’ll 'tell Lupin about your little secret' and God was that enough to get him going.

Remus wasn’t very certain at the start but gradually they got their old gist again, though it wasn’t always the same as it was before, and the crush grew. Again.

By 7th year he was very aware he was in love with Remus and desperately lapping up any of his attention like a bloody hound, though he guesses he technically is one.

Then, this shit happened and everyone is concerned and everyone knows everything and it’s all over the place and just messy.

That’s the best way to describe everything, he scribbled down, knowing full well he’ll never send it to Remus.

Now James got his head out of his ass and is not clueless anymore.

“You’re daydreaming about him aren’t you,” James sits down all smug.

“No,” Sirius blushes and swats him lightly, “Anyway, you were probably wanking off upstairs to Reg,”

“Yeah, no,” James laughs, grinning at him happily, “So-”

“No, not now, James,” he grits his teeth, looking around, “He’ll pop out at any moment,”

“Okay, but when are you planning on doing it?”

“When he leaves, so it won’t be too awkward of a rejection,”

“You still think he’s going to reject you?”

“Yes,” he hisses.

“You’re ridiculous,”

“You sound like Reg now,” he glares at James, swirling the ring, that said person had gifted him, around his thumb.

“Maybe he’s been a good influence on me,” James shrugs with a bit back smile.

“You haven’t,”

“Hm?”

“You haven’t gone to see him again, have you?” Sirius sighs.

“No,” James blushes and ducks his head into his hands, pretending to cough.

“You shit, you’re not going to get over him if you keep going to meet him,” he grumbles.

“Maybe I don’t want to get over him,” James kisses his teeth, standing up and putting an empty coffee cup into the sink.

“What!” Sirius shrieks, chasing after him, yanking him back.

“What?”

“James,” he raises an eyebrow, “You’re gonna get your heart broken, you know nobody would allow it and certainly not Walburga and Orion,” he rolls his eyes.

“Secret relationships are sexy,” James smirks, earning a hand slap from Sirius.

“I’m being serious,”

“You always are,”

“Okay not the time,” he huffs, “People will find out,”

“No they won’t,” James shrugs.

“They will,”

“No they won’t,”

Sirius sighs and rolls his eyes, “I did warn you by the way,”

“Mhm,” James sends a thumbs up his way before going over to Peter who fiddles nervously with his jumper next to Remus who chats happily with Monty.

God, why did he have to look like that, Sirius internally screams and carefully sits down on the next sofa trying not to look at Remus, focusing on James and Peter.

Don’t look, don’t look, that’s what he chants throughout the whole encounter, silently wishing them all away, and finally Effie walks in and tells them all to go upstairs to their rooms because 'it’s been a busy night'.

“Night,” Sirius mumbles quickly, rushing up the stairs and shutting his door and breathing out a sigh of relief when he hears everyone else go to their rooms.

He quickly gets ready for bed and sighs happily when he climbs into his bed before being interrupted by a knock on the door.

"Who's it?" Sirius grumbles with annoyance.

"Me," a quiet voice says behind the door, "James," he adds after a pause.

"Come in," he sits up and waits for James to come in patiently, eventually he comes in after a deep breath.

They do this often, come into each other's rooms when they need some comfort, sleeping in the same beds or just talking the whole night to find a sense of happiness when they're feeling down.

"What's up, Prongs?"

"Mm, nothing,"

"You wanna hug?"

"Mhm," James hums, and wraps his arms around Sirius' body, a small sob emitting from his throat as Sirius coddles him.

"It's okay," Sirius mumbles, stroking James' hair with a small frown, "Do you want to talk about it?"

James' face resurfaces from Sirius' chest, his face red from crying and he lifts himself up against the headboard with a sigh.

"I don't think I can do this,"

Sirius instantly knows what he's talking about, "You don't have to, you know,"

"I know," James grimaces before continuing, "But he's worth it,"

"You say that..." Sirius trails off and grimaces.

"I mean it, Sirius,"

"Okay," they sit side by side, not talking in the comfortable silence, only thinking to themselves.

They both stay like that for a while, neither of them sure if the time when they slowly nod off, curling up against each other comfortably.

Someone moving around wakes him up and he blinks wearily around his room, trying to to figure out where it was coming from when suddenly the blinds are drawn to reveal a glaring sun.

"What the shit!" He shouts, pulling the cover over his head.

"You're sleep schedule is horrendous, Pads, it's almost 12, get up!" Sirius pulls down the covers, squinting as he watches Remus shuffle around.

"You're such a prick," he grumbles, poking his foot out so he can trip Remus up who sends a glare his way before taking the cover from him.

"Oh, I'm the prick?" Remus narrows his eyes, "Say, whose the one who's been avoiding me all of yesterday?"

The silence is deafening as Sirius scrambles for something to say that won't give his intention away, he finds nothing but a lame, "I was tired," to which Remus rolls his eyes and walks out.

Sirius groans into his hands, pinching himself before climbing out of bed and following Remus down the hall.

"Remus!" He shouts for him, groaning again and running down the stairs, looking for him.

Eventually he finds him in the garden, walking around the flower beds, running a hand through the petals curiously and Sirius is struck with the sheer beauty he emits.

Amber eyes, tanned skin and freckles; a small smile loitering around his lips though a wrinkle of a sad frown crossing his brow before disappearing as fast as it appeared. A snake of guilt, worms it's way into his stomach.

Sirius gulps and grimaces before walking over to Remus, lips pursed and guilt nagging at his heart.

He starts to walk in step with Remus, fiddling with his hands as he looks at Sirius with a frown before turning away in silence.

A few minutes pass as they walk around the garden slowly and Sirius bites his lip before speaking, finally getting his wit's about him, "Rem?"

Silence.

"I'm sorry, that probably means nothing right now and that's really stupid to say, fuck, I had it all planned out in my head, fuck, fuck. Um, I just... I can't tell you the reason right now because... it's just I can't tell you right now, is that okay? I don't want to ignore you, I just make everything worse, crap," Sirius tightens his fists, so that his nails dig into his skin.

A hand gently unwrapped his fingers and intertwined their hands, "That's okay, Sirius and you don't make everything worse,"

Sirius looks down at their hands with a small, quiet smile and squeezes gently.

They walk around the garden once more, Remus points out different flowers while Sirius watches him, mesmerised with flushed cheeks.

Eventually, they go back inside but only after a couple of hours, and Sirius' chest feels so much more light only growing heavier when he realises Remus would leave later today because his mum asked him to come back to try to fix their relationship.

He's going to have to ask tonight.

That leaves him in a frenzy when it gets significantly closer to that point of the night.

He scrambles up the stairs and into his room to try fix his hair that should have not been that tangled but he managed to untangle it after several minutes and run down the stairs just as the voice of Hope carried up to the rooms.

Sirius skips the last few steps and almsot runs into Euphemia who only laughs gently, "You okay there, Sirius?"

"Perfect," he answers nervously and James gives him a quick wink before he walks over to Remus who is talking to Hope with a small smile.

Sirius doesn't really want to cut their conversation short but he really can't wait for their discussion about plants to stop, he's sure Hope wouldn't mind at all.

"Hey, Rem," he fidgets with the hem of his shirt, "Do you mind if I talk to you for a second?"

"I don't mind," he shrugs, muttering something to Hope before walking over to where Sirius stands a bit further away from the others.

"Um, well," Sirius starts but only cringes at his words, "You have really nice eyes, they're a sort of amber, hazel and they're really gorgeous. You're really gorgeous actually. I know you hate your scars but they're actually beautiful and they're so you that I can't help but love them really. You have this tanned skin and freckles and you're just so gorgeous sometimes it physically hurts to look at you," he blurts out.

Remus looks speechless but before he can speak Sirius beats him to it, "And no, I'm not just complimenting you, I'm pretty sure I'm in love with you and that's why I've been acting weird and I really wanted to tell you but I couldn't because... I don't know. But I'm telling you now," Sirius catches his breath and fidgets again under Remus' blinking stare.

"Sirius-"

"I know, I know, you probably hate me now, sor-" but he's cut off by a pair of lips gently pressing against his own.

Remus pulls back just as quickly as he had done it, his cheeks flushing slightly, "I'm pretty sure I'm in love with you too,"

They look at each other in shocked silence before Sirius breaks it, "Wanna go out?" Remus laughs loudly before kissing him again and taking his hand.

"Gladly," Remus chuckles, squeezing his hand as they walk back towards the others who whistle and wink at them.

And he feels amazing.