Work Text
I sink my teeth into my fingers
Blood forms branches in the water
It's lovely in the evening time
But every time I close my eyes
The sunshine gets a little dimmer
Now the clouds fall down
I sink my teeth into my fingers
Blossom swims across the river
How d'you feel so proud?-Cavetown He was so young. So small and fragile. Words still cut deep and all he wanted to hear was something nice.
It was a Gryffindor party. A near death dive to catch the snitch, winning the game from Hufflepuff by a hair width. The common room heaved with people and stolen alcohol was passed around, music blared, silencing spells renewed almost every few minutes to keep MacGonagal from breaking it up.
He was so tired and annoyed, all he wanted was to sleep but the music invaded his mind. ''Just have a drink, just one, it's not like your getting any sleep around here!'' A laugh, a cup being thrust into his hand. Something sickly sweet and lukewarm making him grimace. He was just so tired. ''I know somewhere you can sleep.'' Stumbling out of the common room, an unnoticed second and seventh year, giggling as he got shoved into the wall to avoid Filch. A bed, so soft and nice, he was so tired. Someone was taking off his shoes. That was nice of them. Then his jeans, his hips being lifted, his neck being snapped up at an awkward angle to slide his shirt over, while he grumbled. It was cold. Why where there no blankets? Sleeping on top of the blankets was stupid. Warm hands, touching him, touching everywhere. Wait. Underwear being slid down his legs, hooking around his one foot. Burning touch. Wait. Legs being spread. Wait, wait waitwaitwaitstopstopitwhatshappeningburningtouchwaitstopithurts....
stop...
please... It started with touch. Flinching away from hugs and pats and kisses on the forehead from mum. Hands lingering on his body making his skin crawl, the thought of touch, burning touch making him cringe. All teenagers are like this, they thought. They didn't question it. Then sleep. The knowledge of sliding into a state where he can't know what is happening, what is being done to his body is terrifying. He struggles with anxiety most nights and takes a sleeping drought every week on Sunday, sleeping through the day and awaking at about ten in the evening, hands checking buttons and zips are done up furiously, panic crawling up his throat. The bags grow under his eyes, his irritability increasing by the day. Then its the why? Why me? Searching for some signal or difference in his appearance or attitude. Staring in the mirror, hating his reflection, hating the body that betrayed him, that singled him out. Thinking, tears running down his cheeks and finger nails raking down his arms, there must be some solution, something he can do to make it better, to reverse it, to, if not erase the shame, stop someone from seeing that again. Diet, seems obvious.
He observes himself critically in the mirror, pinching any small amount of fat, twisting his skin cruelly, shuddering at the memory of where hands pressed and groped. He limits himself on what he's allowed to eat, discovering the sharpness it gives his mind.
Not eating is hard and he fails a lot of the time. Giving in and binging on anything he can get his hands on. But purging, purging is easy. It works especially well when he has to go home for the holidays and his mum is hovering. He has to wait until the house is asleep to rid himself of the load. Purging is a good way to quickly fix things when he's made a mistake and couldn't resist a meal. Purging is a punishment and a gift, burning his throat and bringing tears to him eyes, but emptying his stomach and clearing his mind.
Next is clothes. Showing as little skin as possible, covering himself in layers to disguise his skeleton frame, briefly panicking when he's naked, when people can see and are looking at him. In his fourth year he figures out a good glamour and revels in the freedom it gives him. Being able to do as he likes without putting a limit on it for fear of his family asking questions is wonderful. The bags under his eyes clear and his skeleton frame fills very slightly, but not more than he can bear. The redness of the ruptured blood vessels in his eyes is covered and the puffiness of his cheeks is gone in his waking hours. He prays nobody will see him when he's asleep and can't control his glamours.
The "problem" his family have blamed on exam stress for the last two years seems to have disappeared, much to their delight. Even better, Charlie has left Hogwarts so he doesn't have to deal with them pestering him to eat or sleep or some other silly thing.
He quickly discovers that he has to tone it down slightly after the fainting spells that he blames on the heat get him sent to the hospital wing. And drink water. That's important. He knows he's being overbearing. He knows that the younger's don't need him looking out for them all the time. But he's scared- no, he's terrified- that something is going to happen to them. It's probably his fault that the twins prank him the way they do. At some point, he stopped just hanging out with his siblings and started just worrying about them all the time. He's forgotten how to think about them without feeling either worried or irritated. He thinks about telling someone sometimes. Imagines breaking down and explaining, telling him why he's like this, begging them to help him. Somewhere, deep inside him, he thinks he's drowning, clawing at anyone who will come close to him, pushing them away as he struggles to hold on to something.
What would he even tell them? He reads books that say how bad all the things he's doing to himself are, how much they will lower his life span. Personally, he wishes it would get a move on and just kill him already. And then it all comes tumbling down.
One visit from Bill and Charlie while he was in his room. What did they even want with him? They didn't even like him. He was just so exhausted. He had tried to regiment his usual Sunday drugged sleep (which made him deeply uncomfortable but he needed to function) but his mum and dad had claimed sleeping the whole day was ridiculous and lazy and now he was paranoid about being lazy.
He would never get anywhere if he was lazy, but now he couldn't even think about doing anything, just think about all the things he should be doing but instead he was sitting here doing nothing and was that what they thought of him? That he was lazy? Did his professors think that too? Oh God, what is he doing? He should be revising for his exams so he could fucking get somewhere in life but all he could think about was fucking food (how pathetic is that?)
He was just so hungry and he couldn't remember the last time he ate something and didn't throw up which was bad, (but it felt good at the time) and he just wanted to sleep but the thought of it was sickening and the static in his head was increasing and his eyelids kept drooping (God, why was it so hot?). He bit his tongue and pinched his arms to try and ground himself but it wasn't working and he felt all floaty and fuck, fuck, fuck, this wasn't supposed to be happening!
And then Charlie and Bill where kneeling in front of him and they were touching him (fuck, when was the last time someone touched him?) They were talking and asking him to say something and he opened his mouth and a lot of blood fell out and Charlie yelled and oh, he's bitten his tongue really hard actually and Bill was loosening his collar (fuck, no, no, no please don't) and he was babbling something and spitting blood everywhere and (some went in Charlie's face, ha) and everything was going wrong and then. He just stopped. And. Laughed.
Everything was fucked and he laughed and who the fuck cared if he was crying a bit as well, (he certainly didn't) and everyone was standing in the doorway and Charlie and Bill were looking at him like he was absolutely crazy, (which he probably was) and there was blood everywhere and his glamours had fallen (thin and grey and skeletal and decaying...) and then there was a crack! and they had taken him to hospital. (He fainted) They do an evaluation. It only takes two minutes. When he wakes up he starts screaming at the people touching him. They put him to sleep. They have taken him to a different hospital when he wakes up. A mental hospital. They're keeping him out of school, which he is absolutely pissed about. All that work for nothing and how the fuck could he do his NEWTs now? All that work, becoming prefect, Head-boy, top of his classes, well. There was no point now, was there? He tries to leave. several times. He swears, he refuses to take him meds, he refuses to sleep, he screams when they touch him, he shouts at Bill, Charlie, mum, dad when they come to visit, the memory of their shocked faces haunting his mind. Eat, that's what they say. Eat your food and take your meds and go to sleep. In their fucking dreams. They only get him to take his meds when they stun him. The place is horrible. The patients sit either in their rooms or in the "activity room" staring blankly at the walls or muttering or rocking. The walls are blindingly white from renewed cleaning charms but the ceiling is water marked and grey. The staff either look depressed or leer at him. It makes him skin crawl. He is the youngest person there. Not even seventeen yet. "This is prison." A woman says to him, eyes flicking wildly around the room. "Prison for the sick. We're never getting out of here, they just dump us here to get rid of us. Years, I've been here, YEARS, if I wasn't mad then, I'm fucking CRAZY now!" She keeps shouting synonyms for crazy until a nurse comes into the room and stuns her. Her head cracks on the dirty carpet. They don't clean the bit of blood that remains. The first week, he's furious. He throws his food tray at the staff when they try to get him to eat. He finds a cup and breaks it, holding the pieces to his throat, threatening to cut, hissing like a wild animal. His family look at him like they don't recognize him. They tie him to his bed and put a silencing spell on him, spelling food into his stomach everyday. It burns and his stomach bloats. He feels disgusting. The second week, he breaks down and cry's. When he's started he can't stop. He lays there and wails. One of the nurses looks at him and walks away. He wishes they would come and get him. His family. Why haven't they come? They don't feed him much that week. He thinks they forgot. That's fine with him. He has never felt so alone. The third week and they spell a potion into his stomach. And then he feels nothing. He can't move. He can barely think. His family comes to visit. They look even more worried than before. They touch him and he can't even say anything. His gaze keeps sliding off them. He begs Bill to kill him. Bill throws up. The staff bundle them out the door. He can hear them. They tell them he's unstable. That visitors made him worse. Lies. He doesn't remember the fourth week. He lays on his white bed in his white room and stares at the ceiling. Someone touches him, hands moving down his worn pajama pants, reaching inside. He can't move. He hates himself. He's never getting out of here. His family come. Its his birthday. They bring a iced cupcake that the staff say he can't eat. His mum cry's and the twins are quiet and he flinches when his dad touches his hair. His tongue feels heavy in his mouth. Is this even real? Dangerous thoughts. He wonders why they help so much. He forgets how long he's been here. They won't let his family visit, he can hear them turning them away. Come back, he thinks. Please, please come and get me.
Sometimes the same nurse comes into his room and undresses him. They do things to his body while his mind fly's away. They're face is blurry, they've taken his glasses and the potion makes everything worse. He becomes a thing. He no longer feels like a person. Is this real? There are less staff than before. But the ones who stay are crueler. Is this real? He can hear screaming. Always screaming. They have forgotten to give him the potion. He feels dizzy. Sweaty and sensitive and just so painful. Everything hurts. Why does this have to be real? They tie his wrist up again. He wets himself, the thick smell of urine seeping into his skin. He can't move. I am not a person anymore, he thinks. Quiet despair, seeping through him. A new doctor comes into his room and unties his wrists from the bed rails. She tells him that she's sorry. He has never seen her before. There are Aurors everywhere. One of thems hair keeps changing colour. It reminds him of someone. She stares at him, hair shifting rapidly. He passes out, flashing colours burning on his eyelids. He gets moved from his horrible white room. A new hospital, she tells him. The place he got sent was shut down. She says that they need to give him small amounts of the potion from before. She says that he'll die is they don't. He begs her with his eyes to just let him die. The walls are blue. She says they want to see all his bruises, take photographs of them. He try's to look at her in a way that says it doesn't matter anymore. I'm not even a person anymore. He asks what her name is, voice crackling and she looks at him with surprise. "Dr Azeem." She gestures to her name badge and he squints.
The next day she brings in an eye doctor and he gets a pair of glasses. He flinches when they touch his face. He wakes up and forgets where he is. To scared to scream, he lies in the darkness and cries. He sleeps a lot. His doctor gives him a lot of medicine. Little pills mostly, the only potions she gives him is the one she has too. She makes him drink it, which he prefers to it being spelled into his stomach. He tells her this and she looks very sad. She's been writing down all the things Percy tells her about that place to tell the Aurors. She has three little books now. He knows this is more than her other patients. Secretly, he doesn't want to take his meds but he's scared of what will happen if he doesn't. He doesn't want to eat either and he throws up a lot. He feels heavier than he has in years. He asks for a mirror. He cry's when he see's his reflection. I don't even look like a person anymore, he thinks. She asks if he wants to see his family. He says no. He doesn't want them to see him like this. He still gets their letters. He strokes the parchment, feeling lost. He wonders if his classmates know where he disappeared to. He wonders if they bully his siblings for having a mad brother. He cry's. Dr Azeem says that she's a doctor instead of a Mediwitch because she has a muggle degree as well. She jokes that she worked too hard not to want to keep the title. He nods seriously. She asks if he wants to talk about what happened at that place. To tell the Aurors, or just to talk about it. He sits there in silence for thirty minutes, before he tells her that he can't talk about it unless someone asks him to. He doesn't tell her that he's terrified of disobeying anyone. She asks if he wants her to ask questions. He doesn't answer.
She asks if he want the Aurors to ask questions.
He says he doesn't want what happened to ever happen again. And he says he's afraid.
He reflects that that was not the question she asked. There is a nurse that helps Dr Azeem. He doesn't trust her, but he likes her patterned scrubs. She says they are more practical than the medical robes and she loves how the wizarding world is finally including muggle things into their hospitals. She talks a lot and Dr Azeem trips up a lot around her. She keeps calling her
"Ell- Nurse, Nurse Ella, sorry"
He feels like he's watching the world from inside a fishbowl. He doesn't trust very easily. Dr Azeem knows this. She tries to keep the same staff around him. He wonders if he trusts her. He hasn't walked in ages and his legs are weak, his arms tremble when he raises them, his voice cracks with disuse, his hair is dull and thin, weak curls hanging greasily around his neck. It needs cut. He wonders how long it's been. He asks if they will cut it.
They do.
Nurse Ella says he looks very nice, but he thinks she must be lying because now everyone can see how fat his face looks. They want a nurse to watch him while he showers. He makes a fuss for the first time is ages. He feels disgusting and he wants to wash but he doesn't want people looking at him, naked, what if they don't stop looking, what if they touch him? What is they put their hands on him and use him and he can't do anything and what if-
And then he's on the floor, Dr Azeem asking him to list three things that he can see and so on.
It takes him three tries to get the words out. He just meant at first to say why he needed to shower alone but then it all came spilling out, from back when he was twelve and how disgusting he is and how that's the reason he ever went there in the first place and how there must be something wrong with him for that to happen again and if he wasn't so horrible then nothing would ever have happened to him and he could just be happy and he can't even remember what happy feels like and he just really wants a shower. She says its not his fault.
He doesn't believe her at first. He thinks maybe he's getting there, some days. He gets his shower. In a heavily warded room with a nurse standing outside the door and a sponge with a bit of soap. He only gets ten minutes. It's the best ten minutes he's had in months. They talk a lot. Him and Dr Azeem. About everything really, about all the things that happened and body image and medicine and family and Auror investigations and his NEWTs that he never got to do and a lot of other things. He says he wants his family to visit. Maybe not all together, he thinks that would be a bit to much.
Dr Azeem agrees and says something will be arranged. It's his mum and dad first. They cry. He cries. They all cry. They ask if they can hug him. He nods. They won't stop apologizing. He just nods numbly. They look older. He wonders if he does too. When he see's the younger ones he cries again. They seem bigger. Stronger. Ginny's hair is in a pixie cut. It suits her. Ron's shirt is half untucked like always. The twins share lopsided grins and bawl louder than him. It's a bit awkward at first. He doesn't say much, but they watch him like he's going to disappear. He supposes he did a bit. One day be was boring, straight A Percy and the next he practically vanished. The only thing they saw was him acting like a mad person. He supposes he was. He wonders when he started think was. He tears up and hugs them all again. His arms look like sticks compared to Ron's and he has the thinnest lanky arms of them all. Maybe he's not as bad as he thought. Seeing Bill and Charlie again is hard. He remembers spitting blood in Charlie's face and asking Bill to kill him. He feels guilty and embarrassed but they don't let him think about that for too long, because they pull him into a tight hug and whisper that it's okay now, everything will be okay now. Dr Azeem does another health check up. She frowns a lot and does a lot of complicated wand movements.
Heart Arrhythmia. Or irregular heart beat. From all the purging, she says. He sobs later, when he's alone. What has he done to himself? "I didn't care." He tells her, "Because I didn't think I would ever want to grow old." Dr Azeem asks if he wants to tell his family the extent of the abuse. The abuse. Such a funny word. He's never thought about it in connection to him before. She says it might make it easier for them if they understand. He tells them. It's one of the most difficult things he's ever done. He decides to do it all at once, so he doesn't have to say it again and again. They all cry. He does too. But telling them feels better. He feels lighter without these secrets sitting on his shoulders. In some way he will never forgive them for sending him there. In some ways he will never forgive himself. He recognizes that he needed care. He truly was loosing his mind. Maybe he lost it. But he found it again. He supposes that's the important thing.
If he had been sent to a place like this, if that place had never existed, he probably would have stayed in Hogwarts for his final year and gone on to have a regular life. Well, maybe. It's hard to say what life will throw at you. For now, he can be alright. He takes his NEWTs and gets his results personally delivered by Professor MacGonagal, who calls him a strong young man and apologizes for not doing all she could have. Hogwarts was informed about what happened. Ginny and Ron say that they now have school counseling groups and stricter protocols. He passes. he gets outstanding's in almost everything.
He applies for a job with Transfiguration Daily. He enjoys his work. He gets a tiny apartment. It doesn't really have a kitchen which means the rent is cheap. It's quite shitty really. He loves it. He still hears about. "Hospital from Hell" they call it. It was a huge case. Sometimes he learns things about it that he didn't know, like the director running off with all the funds, or that the patients family's practically gave the hospital guardianship over them without knowing. He doesn't want to know. He just wants to recover. He gains some weight. He thinks that might be okay.
They say he looks good. His eyes are sparkly behind his glasses in a way they haven't been since he was eleven, his hair is newly cut and curly, though he has grey hairs they attribute to stress. At least he's not going bald. He's going out tonight, with all his siblings, celebrating Bill's marriage to Fleur. Its a big step for him. It's fun. Every time he gets nervous, he can turn around and see one of his siblings encouraging smiles. "Percy?"
Oliver Wood, older, more mature and toned and muscled and fit with a curvy, long haired woman with honey brown skin. Percy gets lost in her smile for a moment.
He is suddenly really glad he's discussed his bisexuality before this moment when he's presented with two beautiful people who want to talk to him. "Oliver. It's been a while." He cringes as soon as he's said it. They both stand there for a moment.
"What happened to you, mate? You never came back." He hesitates.
"A lot of shit." He says. "A lot of shit."
The woman looks between them for a moment before offering him a drink. He glances at Ginny who gives him a large thumbs up that makes him blush.
He finds out the woman's name is Audrey and she has a slight Liverpool accent. They talk about a lot of things, but not where Percy went, which he appreciates. Oliver is a professional Quiditch player, which figures. Audrey is a squib, which is why Percy doesn't recognize her from Hogwarts. He was so wrapped up in everything happening then, he wonders if he would have even if she where there. She runs a bakery with her sister and is always busy with her myriad of hobby's.
He decides to be brave and invite them for a coffee the following week. He leaves the cafe, waving awkwardly. It takes him three minutes for him to stride back in and ask if they will be his plus one for Bill's wedding.
"There's two of us." Oliver says.
"Bill won't mind." He says quickly. Audrey nods slowly.
"The more the merrier?"
"Exactly." Percy says. The wedding is lovely, even is everyone makes fun of Percy having a crush on two people whenever they get him in private. Percy cry's. Audrey lends him her handkerchief. It's got little cakes embroidered on it. He finds that Bill has invited Dr Azeem and her new wife, Ella Azeem. It feels nice to see her again. He's come a long way. The hospital is still running well, modern muggle practices and methods being integrated every day.
He retires early, the noise a bit much for him. He takes his meds and goes to bed after wishing Bill and Fleur the best. Its been a good day. When he's about twenty four he has a relapse. He isn't sure if something triggered it. He feels like a failure. The acidic taste of bile in his mouth tainting everything he eats or says. He hates himself with renewed vigor, until Charlie takes him back to Dr Azeem. His heart, is a fickle thing. Literally and metaphorically. Oliver and Audrey have a lovely dynamic. They're both very sporty, flitting everywhere, head in the clouds.
He wonders if Oliver is dating her. "Are you dating Audrey?" He asks Oliver bluntly. Oliver splutters. "Sort of? Some times?" Percy raises an eyebrow. "I think? She doesn't exactly stay still long enough for me to ask!" Percy nods, because this makes sense. He tells them about what happened over dinner. He tried to find the words all through the meal, Audrey and Oliver giving him worried looks the whole time. Dinner turned into a movie night with Audrey resting her head on his shoulder and Oliver doing the same to her. They pause the movie when he works up the courage. He tells them everything, from the beginning, incredibly grateful for their patience and steering him back to the subject when he goes off on a tangent. Oliver cries. Audrey thanks him for telling them and then hugs him so tightly his ribs hurt. Oliver hugs him too and they stay all curled up in one big tearful huddle until they fall off the couch and have to laugh. He feels lighter than he has in a long time. At this point, he can't visit his family without them asking to bring Oliver and Audrey over. Ginny calls them his Boy 'n' Girlfriend. He apologizes to them. They laugh. They got out a lot. Most of the time its just at their homes, or a pub. Audrey takes them to a theme park and he watches them go on the rides. He's had quite enough stress in his life thank you very much, but he enjoys eating fairy floss with them. It makes him feel cute, and that's not such a bad thing. It's fun. Audrey asks him is she can kiss him over dinner. He says yes. She kisses him, leaning over the table and getting her hair in his curry, while Oliver watches, wide eyed. It's the best kiss Percy has ever had. Admittedly, its the first consensual kiss too. He pushes these thoughts from his mind and focus's on making Oliver feel a little less left out. He moves in with Oliver. Oliver's flat suddenly becomes a lot tidier.
Audrey just turns up so often that after a while she stops leaving. It feels natural.
They only find out she's sold her flat when she's struggling to put together the most massive bed he's ever seen in the lounge.
"Please tell me you didn't just use the money from selling your flat on a bed." Percy sighs and she glares at him.
"Sleep is important and I know for a fact that you sleep better when we're both there." He blushes and waits for Oliver to come home to put it together. He sleeps excellently and wakes up with his head on Oliver's chest, Audrey snuggled into his side. He thinks its funny, because once he thought he would never find someone who would love him and now he's found two. There are a lot of things he has to deal with. A lot of little fights that he ends up ranting about at one of his siblings. Audrey not putting the cap on the toothpaste, Oliver not picking up after himself, Percy being compulsive. Disagreements over who's turn it is to do the dishes (Audrey and Oliver) and who's going to end up doing the dishes (Percy) In the end, he wouldn't have it any other way. He has a health scare. More long term side effects and complications. Oliver and Audrey take time of work to be by his side. He curses his younger self every time he see's their worried faces. He gets better in the end. Oliver reminds him to take his meds every day (so good at routines) and Audrey makes him have breakfast so that he can take his meds everyday (so good at breakfasts) (so good at taking care of him and making him feel loved) He's had a stressful life. There are times when he doesn't want to get out of bed in the morning, when the taste of sweetened Butter beer makes him retch, when he can't smell industrial cleaning spells without taking a sick day. He's glad that he has a family who are kind to him. The one he was born with and the one he has made. His single best achievement, in his opinion. -fin-