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Chapter one:
cuts and wounds
26/8/1996
All i knew that it hurts.
I may say that i love my scars.
That is, they have stayed longer than most people ever have.
Thin white lines run through my wrist, along with shines of scales of the snake that shiver and quiver.
I cut because i can’t deal.It’s quite simple as that.My thoughts and emotions become like an ocean, the waves wash over me and the water drowns me in my sorrow .
I need to hurt my self more than anyone,the world can hurt me, and then i could comfort myself.With a flick of healing, i cradle my arm protectively against my stomach, tracing slowly on the faint line.
..But I hate it.I hate being 16.I hate being a Malfoy.I hate myself for allowing myself to be this vulnerable and weak.If there were ways to change my self, i would in anyway possible.It’s pathetic that I’m crying this much.
Maybe I’m just being dramatic.
Childish.
Or maybe i am just a child.
I don’t even know who i am anymore.
How am i able live on like this?There’s so many ways i could just- well, stop living like this.But i’m a coward.I’m scared on what awaits me.But it’ll make me selfish.
What about my family?
My friends?
The things I enjoyed?
Potter?-,..
Potter.
What was thinking about saint Potter going to do?Saint Potter didn’t care about the likes of Malfoy.Only the dark lord cared.At least, that was the lie i told myself, over and over.Whenever i had to justify what i was doing,the horrifying choices i made.
We barely knew each other.
To us, we were just enemies.
People from opposite sides, against each other.
But he was just like me.
I don’t think he’ll ever think of us that way.It’s stupid that i even thought it that way.
-D.M
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
Chapter 2:
The task.
(Draco pov)
31/8/1996
“I-i can’t.” Draco whispered shakily, his face slowly turning sickly pale and horrified.
He looked down , a few scared tears streaked his cheeks.
“Mother, i can’t.”
Narcissa shook her head, holding Draco’s hand as Draco looked back up at her.
“Mes étoiles,” Narcissa whispered soothingly, brushing Draco’s hair away from his grey piercing eyes.
“I know you could do it, please, do it for me.”
Narcissa whispered softly as he brought him to a comforting embrace, while he cried into her shoulder.
“When this is over- when the task is over Draco, everything will be fine.”Narcissa whispered rubbing his back in soothing patterns.
They both knew that was a lie.
Neither of them knew if they were going to be okay.
Neither of them knew if they were going to even be alive.
Draco shut his eyes closed, grasping to endless and impossible possibilities of any hopes of happiness.
He swallowed back a sob and a cry, pushing himself away from the embrace.
He cleared his throat and wiped his tears, his cheeks still had faint tear streaks.
“Yes mother.” He said weakly, holding her hand tightly.
Narcissa smiled at him, wiping his tears away softly and gently.
“I know it’s hard my love, but.-“ She hesitated, her lips pursed.
Her gaze fell down to the thin white lines that were peeking out through his black cuffs of his blouse.
“This,”Narcissa murmured, touching the faint healed scars that ran through his hand.
Draco winced and looked away, feeling nothing but shame and cowardice.
“Draco, it’s okay.” Narcissa whispered, feeling her voice crack.Seeing the self-inflicted scars of her son as an attempt of getting rid of his dark mark was breaking her heart slowly.
“I’m sorry.” Draco whispered quietly and shakily.
I’m so sorry.
Narcissa sighed softly, lightly wiping her own tears on the cuffs of her dress.
“It’ll be over soon.I promise.”
He keeps telling himself that, and he knows that it’s just false hope he’s clinging onto.
Draco nodded his head silently as he watched his mother smile softly.
“I’ll see you soon,mes étoiles.”
———————-..---
“Draco?” A familiar slytherin girl murmurs quietly through the slytherin cabins of the train.
She walked before she saw a recognizable blonde.She smiled cheekily , taking a seat next to him.
“Draco, are you alright?” Pansy said, her expression slowly turning worried as she saw how oddly pale Draco was than before.
“you’re paler than usual!” Pansy added, muttering a sorry as Draco sent a glare to her.
“Nothing, I’m fine Pans.” Draco mumbled, faking and forcing a small smile.He looked down to his hand fidgeting with his rings.
Pansy could read him like a bloody book; but decides not to push it and sighed softly.
“If you say so Dray.”Pansy murmurs, looking at him.Draco nodded silently, feeling himself
feel tense under her gaze.
Pansy turned her gaze to the English green country side, the sounds of the train swishing and increasing in speed.
“So..have a fun summer Dray?”Pansy asked, probably expecting a nod and ‘it was okay,’.
Draco paused and looked at her.
Oh yeah it was fun!I got a fucking disgusting dark mark tattoo that will probably stay forever on my arm and i’m getting tasked to fix a fucking cabinet which is probably going to be the hardest thing for someone who’s just 16 as it haves to transport death eaters to school and in which they will kill everyone- and- the most exciting part, i get to kill a fucking old man.
AN OLD MAN FOR MERLIN’S SAKE.
Draco shook his head and crossed his arms as he smiled.
“Yup.It was fun alright.”
Pansy’s brows raised in suspicion but happily grinned back.She laughed as she leaned back on the seat and smiled.
“Glad to have your old self back Dray,” Pansy teased, making Draco roll his eyes.
“Drama king,” Pansy mumbled loud enough for Draco to hear it, making him shove her playfully.
“Oh shut it Pans.” Draco muttered as his lips curved up into a small smile.
“You’re no fun Dray, but fine.” Pansy huffed dramatically and crossed her arms.Draco scoffed, and sighed softly.
It was going to be a long year back at Hogwarts again.
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
Chapter 3:
(Harry pov)
The Golden Trio were sitting on a plush, crimson seat in the Hogwarts Express, feeling the gentle swaying of the train as it picked up speed. The berth was cozy, with a warm, inviting glow.
Harry gazed out the window, catching glances of the green English countryside and a glimpse of sunlight peeking through the hills.
“..so-“
“If you’re going to talk about Malfoy again Harry-“
“But-“
Hermione snapped her book closed shut, sighing heavily.
Ron looked startled and raised an eyebrow at Hermione changed behavior.
“Erm-What’s wrong?” Ron asked, looking at Hermione beside him.
Hermione rolled her eyes, before flipping through the pages of her book.
“Harry is now under the expression that Draco Malfoy is a-“ Hermione inhaled sharply and sighed.
“Death eater.”
Ron blinked before looking at Harry with a shocking expression.
“You reckon that Malfoy-Malfoy is a death eater Harry?” Ron said quietly, not really believing it.
“Uh..yeah.” Harry mumbled as he nodded, watching Hermione roll her eyes.
“Oh come on ‘mione!Theres a chance that he could be one.” Harry said, pushing his messy curls back from his eyes.
“It’s true,” Ron added, nodding along with Harry.He nudged Hermione playfully, a small grin playing his lips.
“Come on ‘Mione, cheer up!” Ron said, watching contently as Hermione sighed and shut her book.
“Fine.But end of this conversation about Malfoy, alright you two!” Hermione said with a little smile, and looked at Ron.
“Ronald- do you not know your manners!” Hermione said, taking a handkerchief out of her pocket.
Rom blushed profusely, looking flustered and embarrassed as Hermione wiped the smudge on his cheek and giving him a small lecture about being clean and neat.
“‘Mione, i’m okay-“ He was cut off as Hermione smacked his hand away, continuing to wipe it gently away.
Harry raised an eyebrow, trying hard not to laugh.
They definitely have something going on,Harry thought.
Ron letted out a little awkward chuckle, looking away as a red hue spread across his face.
“You look a bit red Ron,” Harry teased, smiling teasingly.
Ron scoffed, his blush deepening.
“Oh shut up Harry,” Ron said quietly, sparring a few shy glances at Hermione, who was now again occupied with her book.
Harry grinned teasingly, crossing his arms.
Ron just rolled his eyes and looked away, his cheeks remained red after that.
————————
♥︎ .-----------
(Draco pov)
“Honestly, it was way more hotter there than i’ve expected..”
Pansy and Blaise chatted back and forward about their holidays as they played a competitive game of exploding snap.
Draco, to their surprise, didn’t play, instead zoning out as he watched the sky gently fades into dusk.
Safe.It feels like he doesn’t even know the word anymore.
Draco looked out the window and seemed zoned out as the conversation continued without him.He tried to ignore the way Pansy and Blaise shot worried glances to each other, or the way his heart beating rapidly in his chest.He tried to ignore the way the lights flashing repeatedly, or the loud noises made by students or the train makes him flinch.
He tried desperately to ignore all of those things, despite his efforts,none of them seem to go away.
Draco thinks he’s okay, because, he was safe on the train on the way to Hogwarts.
He tells himself he’s safe; he’ll be alright, but he knew those were hollow and empty.
But, he was away from all of those people, he didn’t have to do death Eater training or any gruesome thing like that.
But one thing lingered in the back of his mind.
The task.
He didn’t and couldn’t think about it now.
There were too much going on.
It was overwhelming.
Pansy and Blaise exchanged nervous looks, pausing their game.
“Dray, are you okay?” Pansy said, looking at him with concern.
Draco shook his head, looking down.
“Yes.” He replied stiffly, fidgeting with the rings on his fingers.
“We could go to another cabin if you wan’t, i know it’s loud here-“
Draco sighed and shook his head, avoiding her gaze and tapped his fingers on the table.
“No.It’s okay.” Draco said, making Pansy purse her lips and nod.
He didn’t want sympathy just for being ‘different’.
He wanted to be normal.
Why can’t he be normal?
Why those his surroundings affect him so much?
Why is he so sensitive?
Draco stopped tapping his fingers, going back to fidgeting with his rings.
He looked back at the window, a slight reflection looking back.
What was wrong with him?
———————-.
An hour passed, the golden trio happily chatted about anything they could think of.
They sat and ate some bits of chocolate and sweets, as the train hustled through the English countryside. Hogwarts was still over an hour away, and the ride seemed longer than usual.
He was still thinking about him.Malfoy, that is.
He thought about it; the day they saw him at Borgin and Burkes, alongside with death eaters.
Why would Malfoy would be in Borgin and Burkes?With Death Eaters?
An idea sparked in his mind that day and he thought about it ever since.
Malfoy was up to something.
And he had to know.
He stood up, grabbing both Hermione and Rons’ attention.
“I need to check something out, is that okay?” Harry said, looking back at them.
Hermione and Ron looked up with uncertainty, while Hermione was about to protest.
“Don’t worry, i’ll be back soon.” Harry added, making Hermione’s forehead knit in concern.
“Okay, fine.” Hermione said with a sigh,” we’re expected to arrive in Hogwarts in about thirty minutes, but i guess it wouldn’t hurt.”
Harry smiled, nodding.
“Thanks.See you,” Harry said, grabbing his invisibility cloak, as he tried to ignore the suspicious expression on both Hermione and Ron’s face.
He closed the cabin door behind him and wrapped the invisibility cloak around him and made sure he was fully covered.
He took a deep breath, heading towards down the train.
He had to know if Malfoy was up to something.
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
Harry went down the train carefully, clutching the invisibility cloak around him and avoided trying to get bumped by people.He went through the chatty cabins of Gryffindors, Ravenclaws and Hufflepuffs from all to year one and seven.People started to wear their school robes, making him anxious as it meant they were close to their destination.He sighed, he must do it quick then.He walked carefully,chats and laughter filled his ears as he passed through.With careful steps and turns, he finally stopped.He peeks through the opened door and saw a glance of a familiar blond.His heart raced.He tugs the cloak around him and made sure any glimpse of his body did not peeked.He pressed his back against the wall as a few Slytherin students passed by, holding his breath and exhaled quietly as they exited.
Oh, for Merlin’s-The door was shut, and he cursed himself as he won’t be able to get out to change into his robes without getting noticed.Even worse, Malfoy could notice.He shook the thought away and quietly walked down the cabin.He could hear the familiar voices of what supposed to be Malfoy’s friends, Pansy Parkinson and Blaise Zabini.He never really liked them , as of course they were close with Malfoy.But they weren’t the ones he was looking for.He took a glance at Malfoy, studying his face with intent.Of course things have changed.Malfoy looked sickly pale, with a slight darkish eye bags under his eyes.
His eyes remained to have this mischievous spark, yet it matured and deepened.Harry felt a pang of guilt as he saw Malfoy liked this, it felt so weird to see him exhausted and tired.Harry shook away the thought and looked at the way he acted.He was slightly fidgety, blinking faster than usual and was completely anxious.He could see Pansy and Zabini sending glances of concern to each other, but knowing Malfoy would brush it off and say that it was okay ,they chose not to say anything and continued to talk about some random things.Harry’s brows furrowed and knitted with concern.He knew what would be Malfoy’s response, but why won’t they check up on him?Harry paused.He..he isn’t worried about Malfoy, is he?The train shook and Harry wasn’t holding onto something, he letted out a sharp gasp of surprise and at the last second he grabbed on to something to steady himself.His heart was pounding in his chest as a thought raced to his mind and he sees Malfoy’s eyes flicker down to him.
He was sure that he could of seen his shoes, but Malfoy averted his gaze to the window again.Harry was relieved that Malfoy thought it was just his imagination messing with him.A few good minutes have passed by, Pansy and Zabini was having a game of explosive snap.Malfoy seemed irritated to loud noises, Harry noted.
The sky darkened and the room was lit by the gentle glow of the swaying lanterns, swaying in sync with the shudders of the train.“I think were close now,” Malfoy said, averting his gaze from the blackened window to Zabini and Pansy who looked back at him with surprise by the sudden words by Malfoy.Pansy looked out the window and squinted to see the distant lights of Hogwarts and nodded.
“Let’s get our robes on shall we?” She said, before getting up and pulling her trunk down.
Malfoy pulled down his trunk after Pansy, opening it with ease.Harry was staring at Malfoy for longer than he should have been,and while Zabini pulled down his trunk and swung it down, Harry letted out a sharp inhale as it hit him roughly on the side of his head.Malfoy paused and looked at where Zabini was, who seemed as if he didn’t hear anything.
Malfoy’s eyes narrowed but looked away and went back to what he was doing before.Harry’s head throbbed with a sting, soothing it with light rubs of his hands.He continued to watch Malfoy intently as he kept himself silent.His new travel cloak was lightweight and breathable, ideal for this cold climate. It was a deep, dark grey with silver threads shining against the soft lighting, feeling its smooth surface brushing against his skin. He kept glancing about, his demeanor changing a bit.As Malfoy pulled his travel cloak closer to his body, he couldn't shake off the feeling of being watched. Still, Malfoy kept scanning his surroundings every few seconds, as he fastened the cloak around his neck.“Dray?” A familiar voice called out, and Malfoy averted his gaze to Pansy.She smiled and brought out her hand for Malfoy to take.
“It’s time to go, everyone is going out now.”
Pansy said, glancing towards Blaise as he went out the cabin.
Malfoy pursed his lips and shook his head, while Pansy brows furrowed and lowered her hand.“I..i have to check something.You and Blaise go on without me.” Malfoy said, while Pansy sighed and opened the cabin door.
Pansy knew he was up to something.She bit her lip and nodded, her lips eventually curving up to a smile.
“Alright.See you soon.Don’t do anything stupid.”Pansy teased as she looked back at Malfoy,before shutting the door behind her.Harry watched with wide eyes,tensing up as he held his breath, beads of sweat forming on his neck.Oh no.Malfoy and Harry were alone in the cabin now.Malfoy pulled down the blinds with a flick of his wrist, so people beyond the corridor couldn’t peer in.
Malfoy narrowed his gaze and his fingers curved tightly around his wand.
“Isn’t rude to eavesdrop on people’s conversations Potter?” Malfoy drawled, and before Harry could utter a spell on his own, Malfoy had already sent his own.It seemed as though Malfoy was reluctant to cast the spell, but he had to.
“𝘗𝘌𝘛𝘙𝘐𝘍𝘐𝘊𝘜𝘚 𝘛𝘖𝘛𝘈𝘓𝘜𝘚!” Malfoy shouted without any warning as he turned around, his wand pointed directly to Harry.Harry’s eyes widen.
His body fell as soon as Malfoy casted the spell, not having the ability to move whatsoever.He was only able to gaze up at Malfoy, who had a frightened expression on his face.His hands slightly shook, his eyes widened with full of fear on what he just done.Malfoy approached Harry’s defenseless body, and the urge to absolute have a break down and apologize, ., but he could not go against the dark lord’s and his father’s wishes.“This is a secret Potter.”Malfoy says quietly, stomping hard on his face.Harry’s eyes glistened with unshed tears, looking up at Malfoy as a few tears now slowly travelled down his cheeks.Malfoy winced slightly as he did that, as if he didn’t intend to do that; but was instead forced too.The sound of Harry’s glasses cracked, and with that, Malfoy threw the invisibility cloak over Harry’s still and unmoving body.Malfoy looks at the spot before, but this time,with no Harry lying there with his blood going down his cheeks, and no emerald eyes looking up at him. He inhales sharply and his breath turned into uneven breaths.He can’t.—————————————————
(Draco pov.)
Draco took one final steadying breath before lowering his wand. His cloak swished with the motion, catching the flickering light of the lanterns on the walls.Clenching his wand so tightly that his knuckles turned white, he took a deep, shuddering breath and spun back around, forcing himself towards the door.With a click, the cabin door swiftly shut behind him, leaving Harry alone under the invisibility cloak.He runs his fingers through his silky silver hair in a way to self- soothe himself-but it doesn’t work.————-As he stepped out of the train door, Draco was greeted by a cold, crisp morning air.He looked at his surroundings.
Despite his troubles, he couldn't help but take in the sights of the familiar environment, drinking in the unique scents and sights. The forest was so much bigger than his sheltered existence in Hogwarts.As he started walking, he tried to shake off the unpleasant feeling that had come over him.
His grip on his suitcase tightened as he ventured out, the weight of his past actions lingering on his mind.He pauses and thinks.For a moment, he considered going back to help Harry,... but his fear of getting in trouble outweighed his empathy.
He shakes away the thought and continued to walk through the pathway, listening to his own shaky breaths and the way the leaves fluttered down and crush between each step of his shoes.He is not letting those feelings get the best of him.
_______________Draco stared down at his empty plate,he tried to focus on what Pansy was saying, but his eyes were constantly shifting away to some distant space in his mind.
The sound of Pansy’s voice became nothing more than a faint hum in the back of his mind, while millions of thoughts raced through his mind.His thoughts stopped when he heard a familiar voice echoing through the Great hall, making him jerk up and avert his gaze from the distance to the front.Dumbledore.Only one thought and no other occupied his mind.It repeats in the back of his mind as he stares up blankly as Dumbledore continued his speech.
He was going to be dead because of me.Draco looks down and noticed his hands trembling slightly.His eyes looked to see if anyone saw him, and so he covers his trembling hands and holds it tightly.He should be proud of this- he should be proud and honored to take this role- yet why was he the complete opposite?He doesn’t know..yet.Draco was again forced out of his thoughts before he felt Pansy nudges him slightly and makes Draco look where she was pointing to.
“Look, Potters bleeding.”Pansy whispered, the mention of Potter’s name seems to get his attention.
Draco averts his eyes to the Gryffindor table and he could see Potter clutching a cloth that was stained dark crimson.He felt an oddly feeling of relief wash over him.A relief.It felt.. nice to know he was safe.
He was hurt, but he was there.Draco’s gaze softened as he looks at him afar, yet he was still in the feeling of relief and guilt.Within mere seconds the tables were spread with plates filled with hearty, piping hot foods. The clink and clatter of silverware against plates filled the air, accompanied by the voices of those gathered, filled with laughter and conversation.Draco looks down at his plate, resting his cheek against his hand.He doesn’t eat; only spares glances up at Potter sometimes.At least one happy thought occupies his mind.It wasn’t hurting Potter; it was the thought that he was safe.————
Draco closed his dorm door behind him and sighed softly.He was finally alone.It was quiet.He looks around at the familiar surrounding ,sitting down and relaxing at last.The darkness slowly faded away as a simple swish of his wand lit the candle near him, and a vanilla scent arises.He slowly loosens up his travel cloak and places it neatly folded to his bed next to him.He looks back at his desk and opens a bag of books.Books were from his so called ‘home’ which was filled with varieties of dark magic.He didn’t dare to open it or to touch it since, yet his father urged him to do it before he entered the train.Although, the others were completely different.School books.He grabs his potions book and flicks through the pages, feeling the smooth and soft texture on his fingertips.He looks through the pages, swishing his wand to make it more clearer to see the paragraphs and illustration.He sighs and his eyes droops slightly as he reads on and on.He yawns and rest his cheek against his arm, his eyes slowly reading the words.He wanted a distraction; he wanted an escape from reality.A complete different story to this one.He closes his eyes and rest against his crossed arms, listening to the distant low hum, the smell of the candle, and the gentle light glow that gently fades into black.
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
-The Great Hall
Draco rest his cheek against the palm of his hand, staring down at his food without having the will to eat it.
Fixing a cabinet.Must be easy, right?
——————————————————————————
Draco was wrong.
So, so wrong.
He muttered the words of the incantation numerous times, quiet and loud, calmly and frustratingly- it did not work.He looks back at the cabinet , his grey eyes staring deeply at it.He..he couldn’t.He couldn’t do it.
He lets out small, soft gasps for breaths to calm himself down, leaning against the smooth and cold walls of the castle.His brows furrowed.He was doing what he was told, he went through the steps with care and precautions- and yet it didn’t work?What he was doing was right.That’s what he thinks.
He hides his face into the palm of his hands, feeling the cold sensation against his cheeks and eye lids.His eyes fluttered close and he lets out a grunt of frustration as he does so.Why was he such a coward?
It was simple; just cast specific spells to fix the cabinet, and he would be done with the task.
Draco could feel every hard beat of his own heart, pressing his palm against where his heart was situated.He leans against the pearly wall and pants softly, desperately trying to lower his heart rate- to calm himself.The self soothing eventually softened up the panic and stress that he was having building up that very minute- although, however not completely.
He stands up -too fast for his liking - and ends up having to grip onto something stiff to support his balance.He clutched his head and closes his eyes- he felt so dizzy and weak all of a sudden, nauseous even.He straightened his posture and collects his composure, before making his way back to the entrance.
He glances back at the cabinet, empty and hollowed inside, which made his eyes narrowed.With a simple brush of his clothes, he turns his back away from it, sighing softly.
He had failed, again.
—————————————————————
He stills his mind to think, to focus what was being presented in front of him.He couldn’t decide whether or not he was okay, and even if he wants to cry he just couldn’t.He has the urge to do it, but an edge of being seen weak or rather below themselves made him shiver.
Was it too loud?Maybe.Either way, he didn’t want to be here, whether he liked it or not.He was in a mindset.He was weak, he tells himself that.He looks in the mirror, looking at eyes that was once filled with innocence and mischief, now completely dead.The dark circles on under his eyes, to his frustration , doesn’t enhance his look in anyway.But , he was weak.
He tapped his fingers against his desk, knowing Pansy’s worried gaze was lingering around him.That, made him feel weak and helpless- he didn’t want to be seen as a vulnerable target.Potter’s gaze didn’t help also.
He tried to maintain his normal composure, as if nothing fucked up happened over the summer.He thinks over what he did before, when he was a reckless child.His reputation..he doesn’t even know how to put to words.Why couldn’t he be fourteen anymore?Why couldn’t it be like as if he was fourteen?The taunt always found itself lingering back to him.
Draco hasn’t realized he was fidgeting with his rings.He should be focusing.But no, his mind just decided to go against his will, and he hated how he just..thought differently.Something set him apart from the normalcy he thought he initially had.
It was until he was fifteen he realized.Back then, he had a total panic about it.Now that he looks back at it, he realized he was..well, stupid on how he didn’t see sooner.He thought it was completely normal, shrugging it off with ease.He wished he had the same mindset as he did before.Shrugging things off easily.
He flickers on to the pages of his book, about defense against the dark arts.He scoffed silently.He already knew about this.Well, he wished he didn’t.One page caught his eyes.It makes the grey of his eyes darken slightly with resent.
Werewolves.
He hated one in particular.Greyback.He absolutely despised him.Always hearing the distant paws of his, one that keeps him up late at night.Draco would wake up in a cold sweat, and felt even worse as the sounds of the paws thumping reminds him where he was.
Merlin.He didn’t see this as messed up before.The fact his younger self praised this- glorified of being a death eater.
“Draco.”Pansy hissed softly, tugging his sleeve gently to , some way, catch his attention.Pansy’s face was obviously tensed with worry, and she knew all of the signs.
“After class.”Draco managed to breath out, sighing softly.He rubbed his eyes managed fo keep his emotions under his watch, although it would be let loose.He didn’t feel well.
————————————————————————————
Draco knew he looked pathetic- clinging and sobbing into Pansy’s shoulder like a child to their mother, as Pansy soothed him and coated his panic with relief.Despite all the comfort he was able to receive, it didn’t feel right.
“Shh,”Pansy gently rocks him back and forth as Draco’s fingers laced tightly around the fabric of Pansy’s jumper.They were sat on the ground, Draco hugging her tightly as Pansy rubbed his back in soothing patterns.
“Pans.”Draco breathed out. “You don’t see me any different, do you?”Pansy took a moment to whisper back her answer, wincing at the guilt that washed over Draco’s face as he sees her hesitate.
“No.”Pansy said, with a gentle shake of her head. “Head back to the common room.It’s Snape’s class next anyways, so he’ll probably let you off.”Draco agreed with a solemn nod.
There was something about being vulnerable around someone, showing how you actually feel.Your movements, words, anything- can reveal how you think.He felt disgusted, always.
Draco quickly backs away, before wincing slightly as the sleeve of his blouse rubbed against his arm.He looks up,seeing Pansy’s eyes glint worryingly.
“Draco.”Pansy said, firmly, but soft enough as to not shaken him. “Show me your arm.”
Draco gave her a look and shook his head.
“Why?”
“I want to see it.”
Draco looked at her defensively, but he couldn’t just get so angry at her after she literally comforted him.His gaze softened and he sighed.”Pans..”He was treading on the last feeble of any excuse to avoid Pansy seeing his blooded arm, but obviously he couldn’t.
“Draco.”He winced as he heard her voice crack. “You’re hurting yourself again, aren’t you?”Draco closed his eyes.
Hurting.Again.
He was hurting.
He lets out a breath he didn’t know he was holding and nods, making Pansy gasp.He felt Pansy’s fingers lace with his, bringing his hands closer to look.
“Mind if i..?”Draco nods, hiding his face with shame against his knees.Pansy rolled his sleeves up, trying not to show how horrified she was.Yet, she had seen multiple times where Draco had fresh cuts, she was still not used to seeing such deeper ones.
“Oh,Draco..”She whispered, grabbing her wand quickly.Draco responds with a tired grunt.He felt too tired to protest, complain or cry.He didn’t feel right at that moment.
“How long have you done this?”Pansy asked, whispering soft spells under her breath.It did some help, preventing it to bleed much more, but the cut was still obvious there.She couldn’t do anything to wipe the evidence of his cuts, even his old faint ones.
“Few weeks.”Draco mumbles.After he received the dark mark, all he wanted to do was to completed get it off his body, even if it means hurting himself again and again.But it’s magic bonded, so it didn’t work.
“A few weeks?”Pansy repeats quietly.Draco gave a subtle nod.Pansy looks down and sees the repeated cuts on the mark of Draco’s dark mark, making her understand what was the reason.
“You want to get rid of this, don’t you.”Pansy says, gently wrapping the bandages around Draco’s arm.
He really,really wishes he could.
“Isn’t it obvious?”He says sarcastically, but it was too much and he lets out a sob. “Fuck,Pans, i don’t want you to see me like this.Can’t you see?”Pansy tries to calm him down, but Draco was welled up with his overwhelmed emotions.
“I’ve tried, and tried, and tried.Nothing -nothing ever worked for me,Pans.I know you helped me, and i’m sorry if i keep putting all of this mess of myself onto you, and it’ll never be your fault.It’s just-“Draco hugs his knees.
“Something’s wrong with me.”
Pansy shook her head, running a hand through his silk hair.But she couldn’t shake off the feeling that Draco was different, in some way.But she didn’t want Draco to know that.
“No.Nothing is wrong.”Pansy said firmly, leaning back as she held Draco’s hand.Draco slips his fingers away and hugged his knees.”We could..talk about it.”
Draco really didn’t exactly wanted to think, hell, even talk about it.He looks at her hesitantly, avoiding her gaze awkwardly.
“It’s my problem.Why does it bother you so much?”He doesn’t realize how blunt he said it, or how ‘harsh’ his words were.His fingers rubbed against each other.”I don’t need your help, I’m fine.I’ve..dealt with this before.I don’t understand why you’re so bothered about it, anyways.”
Pansy sighed.Draco had a habit of dismissing stuffs easily.But she rather didn’t want to push it, knowing it’ll make him feel even more upset.
“Okay.”She said softly, slipping down Draco’s sleeves and helps him put on his slytherin cloak.With Draco’s protest and obvious movements of discomfort, she eventually straightened his cloak.Her hands dropped lazily over her hips, giving him a cheeky smile.
“There.Head back to the dorm,’kay?”Pansy says softly, giving a pat on the back.Draco doesn’t answer, but gave a short nod. “i’ll tell Snape you’re sick.”
“Thank you.”Draco says lowly, and he knew he’ll be forever in Pansy’s debt.Pansy smiled, glad to know Draco was temporarily, stable.She shook her head, giving him a silent nod of her head, walking out the bathroom.
—————————————————————
Draco laid on his bed, staring up at the ceiling.It felt so comforting- although this will never be ever his true home,the once comforting escape from his own house at the Malfoy manor, it was just..
Draco pressed a hand on his heart, sighing ever so softly.His hands grasped the blanket, shuddering at the pleasuring material.It was an expensive thing, his blanket, made with special materials.His mother made it personalized for him for his..he pauses.He never really thinks about why, only doing the normal things like what other people do by giving her back a ‘thank you.’
“Hmm,”He hums softly and sits on his hands, rocking back and forth as he thinks.He catches himself, stilling himself.
He moves on quickly before he even realizes it, getting something from his bag.He whips out lengthy books worth of poetry, rolling onto the bed and opening it.He lets out a stifled ‘ah!’ as the pages flutter down his face.He pushes it away uncomfortably, picking it up.
“Merlin,”He gasped.He felt his cheeks warming up, reading the embarrassment of his taunting childhood poetry.His mother influenced him with loads of poetry, and since then he had a fascination for it.He cringes at himself, shaking in absolute amusement.
He shifts them in a neat pile and finds the page that the pages had fell , closing the book before glancing over and seeing something peeking between the pages of another book.
Should he save himself from another breakdown through childhood embarrassment?Yeah.
He shoves the books away- carefully- and picks up another book.He took this from the manor out of curiosity.From his father’s study , or library, or whatever.He had such shivers on his skin whenever he enters there.It was overwhelming , full of dark magic.
_______________________________________________
1993.Malfoy’s Manor.
The tip of Draco’s shoes scuffed against the floor, which he was often scolded for by his father.He shivers at the thought of his father punishing him again.He forcefully stopped himself and his fingers trail along the smooth carving of rich, black colored wood railings down the stairs.He took a moment to pause, to do his normal sequence.
He looks at the paintings, all of them moving.It was separate, his mother, his father, himself.It was a forced smile, leaving him smirking.He rolls his eyes, hating that even his own father encouraged to keep it up.It was so forced , his father’s words, he even felt bad.
There was a family portrait, if you even call them a family.Well, not perfect, but they tried to be.
He acted on his curiosity, looking around the manor for any glimpse of people, or anything that could make him caught.It was a pain to change his routine, because after wandering he would go to the library, read books, piano, but the curiosity dreaded him.
With one last hesitant glance, he found himself leading his legs into the room of his father’s study room.He smiled- he’ll learn everything.He’ll be the perfect son his father ever wanted in the first place.
—————————————————————
Draco drops the book down in horror, his eyes darkened with such disgust.His mind clouded of such things he wished he didn’t knew, and know it’s inflicting his mind.The dark magic in the room was terrifying, thickening the air that made Draco want to cast it away.
They were suppose to be against this type of stuff.He sworn to his mother he would never engage in these things, yet his mother willingly lets his father learn about his monstrosity of a desire to torture- taint innocent beings with this?
He slides the book back in place, making sure nothing had ever changed.He thanked that no one else was at the manor at this very second, except for the house elves, will ever, ever find him.Although, a familiar pair of stark green eyes against soft, brown skin catches his eyes.He took a look at his father’s desk.
He lets out a small gasp, his hands moving up and down in excitement.Harry Potter.He’s admired him- even after such rejection which made his life resorting catching his attention by simply picking on him.
He did think Harry was obviously “boy wonder” or , his infamous title; “the chosen one”, he knew that Harry was more than that.He could sympathize with him, knowing how it felt to be known under a last name with a war behind them.He felt his shoulders dropped low.
He couldn’t see why people didn’t see Harry as a person.Well, they do, but almost like a helpless doll.Teased to be sewed to health and to be okay, only to be hurt again and again.He knows he admires him, hates him, he doesn’t know, but he knows Potter doesn’t deserve such things happening to him.
He steals the photo, hoping his father won’t notice.He closed the door behind him quietly, stumbling into the living room.He sits down, cuddling into a comfortable position as he stares at the photo.
Harry always had this disheveled look to him, and it would always make Draco angry somehow.Potter is Potter, he thought.
Harry had tousled curly hair, sometimes could vary throughout some days.It would be curly, It wouldn’t, sometimes Draco teases him that it has a mind of its own and rather looks like a- birds nest.Which he always ends up with a glare.
Harry had such- he cringes as he felt himself warm up- well, interestingly bright green eyes.He wished he could see up close, he knew he saw some flecks of gold in it.The way his pupils dilated, was something Draco wished if he was ever within Harry’s sight.
He had some little freckles and dots here and there.When it’s winter Harry’s faint freckles would be gone.Summer, he has some, apparently he overheard from some student near him.
Harry’s skin, Draco thought. Sun-kissed type of skin.It stands out against his green eyes, Draco thinks. He’d heard some nasty comments here and there, hearing his father mutter to his mother that they had to lighten Harry’s skin up to be more..’accepted’ between witches and wizards.Why are people so mean?
Draco looks up, his hand curling up on the sides of the photo.He’ll keep it.He’ll keep Harry as Harry, as always.He’ll be, to Harry, a Malfoy as a Malfoy.His smile fainted slightly at the thought.
He won’t mind being second best.
—————————————————————
“Darling,”He jerked away and awake by the sound of his mother’s soothing voice, meaning she came back.Which meant- father came back too.He looks around, his first thought going to the stolen picture.
“Looking for this?”Draco looks up, his eyes widening at the sight of the photgraph, making him jump straight up.His hands automatically trying to pry his embodiment of embarrassment away from his Mother’s curled hands.
“Ma, please,”Draco says, and his voice just reminded of how whiny it used to be when he was much younger.He brushed it off and blushed deeply in embarrassment , flush of a youth.
“I..”He began, his lips pressed into a line of silence.His mother only chuckled, shaking her head.She gives it back, and Draco faked a frown.”Why did you give it to me, mum?”
She nudges him.
“Tu l'aimes bien, n'est-ce pas?(You like him, don’t you?)”
Draco stiffened.He knew his mother was obviously talking about Potter.He shook his head, trying to give the idea that he does in fact not like him.His face was flushed, in embarrassment.He felt shy.
“Tout le monde l'aime..(Everyone likes him..)”He says, his voice muffled by the hands of his palms pressing against his face.He could heard his mother trying to stifle her laughs, and that reminds him on how this whole interaction resorted out to.
And..where was his father?
“Ma?”Draco says suddenly, getting his mother’s attention by a tug on her sleeve.He looks around, growing a bit overwhelmed.He hoped his father hasn’t known he’d been sneaking around his study room.The thought of the punishment was unbearable.
“Ah-ah,”His mother tuts gently. “Your father isn’t here.”The stiffness of Draco’s body eased.He laid back in the coach, pulling the unfavorable thin fluffy blanket over his body.
“While we were away, how were you?”Draco grumbles out his obvious response, he was okay.He was thirteen, no need to worry about him.
“Yes, i do know you’re thirteen.But you’re still my son, i should still be worried about you.”Draco looks at her quizzically.But he is what doing what thirteen year old’s would usually do.Hang out.Talk.He didn’t know - he knew he was copying personalities and acts together and put it to one place.
He knows he’s acting this out.His forcefully putting this onto himself.He was pulled out of his thoughts by his mother.
“Anyways, enough of that.”She says, waving her wand and whispering a spell. Bag quickly appeared in-front of them, making Draco gasp as he saw the design of the bag.It was his favorite bookstore- meaning his mother gave him books of his favorite poetry-
His hands were shaking uncontrollably, and his mother smiled.He would do that whenever he was happy, he had to let it out someway.
“Is that?-“He points to himself.As soon as his mother have a short nod, he carefully brought the bag and slid the things on his lap.He lifted the sides of the wrapping with precise devotion, and he makes little sounds of happiness.
“Oh, ma..”He gasped softly, picking up one of his poetry books.
“I saw you reading him in the library.I thought you should have your new books, because of the amount of dust the books from the library that had collected..”She ended of with a sigh. “I keep seeing you reading the same books.Which i did buy you new, refurbished ones.And some books you’ve never read before that i think you’ll enjoy.”
“This..”He adored the cover.His mother was right, it was rather preferable than dusty, old books.
“Thank you.”
His mother smiled.Saying thank you is as easy as a simple glance, a brush of hands, but for Draco, he feels like he needs to say it out loud.
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
Hi, so i don’t think I’ll continue with this fanfiction.Thank you for sticking around, and who knows of i’ll upload another chapter.I’ve sorta lost interest into this and school is starting soon, and i don’t need another thing to worry about.thank u <3