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File: Unedited transcript of the Celestial Observer's first interview with the newly instated Supreme Archangel Aziraphale, conducted by Ranquiel, scrivener of the 19th rank. File security: private.Celestial Observer: Sorry to bother you, sir. My name is Ranquiel. I'm here for the interview. For the Celestial Observer. I was told you'd be expecting me, but if now isn't a good time...Supreme Archangel: Oh, no, please, do come in. Not a bad time at all. It's just... so much paperwork, you know? Goodness. They... they do keep me quite busy. With paperwork. All part of the job, I suppose, even if it does rather limit the time I have available for other things. Still, I'm always happy to take the time to chat with a member of the press! I did a little bit of the old investigative reporting recently myself, you know. On Earth. Now, that was jolly good fun! Following leads. Pursuing the scoop. Digging the dirt.CO: I... ah... I'm not here to 'dig the dirt,' Supreme Archangel, if I'm understanding the phrase correctly. Just a simple interview. To introduce you, you know. And to inspire the Host with your vision of leadership, that sort of thing.SA: Oh, yes, quite! Excellent. I must say, it's certainly time someone took an interest in my ideas, as opposed to my ability to sign things. I was beginning to think I might need to-- Well, never mind. I'm very glad you're here. Where shall we start?CO: We can start anywhere you wish. And let me assure you, sir, you'll have full control over the published interview, pending the Metatron's approval, of course. If there's anything you'd like to edit out, or add, or anything in particular you'd like us to say about you, all you need to do is let us know. You can supply us with the copy yourself, if you like, or you can just give us a general sense of how you'd like to come across, and we can put something together for you. Whatever you like.SA: Oh, goodness, no. I wouldn't dream of interfering with the freedom of the press.CO: I'm sorry, sir? The what of the press?SA: Freedom of the press. It's an interesting notion the humans have come up with recently. The idea is that that newspapermen, and newspaperwomen, or I suppose, in this case, newspaperangels, ought to have the ability to print any truths they discover in any way they like, no matter what those in power might have to say about it. So that everyone might have access to the facts.CO: That... sounds dangerous, sir.SA: Oh, yes, quite.CO: Uh. Well, then, uh, Supreme Archangel, perhaps we should just--SA: Oh, please, do we really need all that?CO: All what, sir?SA: All the "Supreme Archangel" this and "sir" that. Please, just call me Aziraphale.CO: Are you sure, sir? Supreme Archangel Gabriel never--SA: Oh, I am very definitely not Gabriel.CO: But sir...SA: Aziraphale.CO: Yes, sir. Aziraphale.SA: There, that's better, isn't it?CO: If we could start the interview...SA: Ah, yes. So, my 'vision for leadership,' was it? I'm so glad someone is finally taking an interest. I've got quite a lot to say, and the archangels, er, the other archangels, that is, keep putting me off. I know change is difficult, but eventually one must bite the bullet, as it were. Before it's too late.CO: I'm sure they're all doing what's best.SA: Well, Ranquiel, that is the question, isn't it? What is best? Do they in fact know what is best? Do they want what is best?CO: S-- Sir?SA: It took me a very long time, and... and a great deal of help. But I've come to the conclusion, in my time on Earth, that there is a difference between righteous and right. Let me ask you, Ranquiel, do you think destroying the world is right?CO: I... I... I'm sorry sir, is this...? I mean... Well, it's the Great Plan, isn't it?SA: But is the Great Plan the same as the Divine Plan?CO: I'm just a 19th class scrivener, sir.SA: Yes, but you've got a brain, don't you? Well, all right, not a brain, exactly, but the celestial equivalent. God gave you intelligence. She gave us all that much. Some more than others, admittedly, but still.CO: Sir, it's not my job to ask questions.SA: I'm the Supreme Archangel. Isn't it my job to tell you what your job is?CO: I...SA: Anyway, I thought you were here to interview me. Doesn't that mean it is your job to ask questions?CO: I'm just here to ask you for some soundbites, honestly.SA: Mmm. Well, if I understand the term correctly, I believe I've just given you some.CO: But I can't print any of that!SA: Of course, you can. Freedom of the press.CO: We don't have freedom in Heaven!SA: Well, perhaps it's time we started. You can put that down under my 'vision for leadership,' if you like.CO: Your vision for leadership is... defying God?!SA: Did God tell you to only print what you're told?CO: The Metatron did.SA: The Metatron isn't God.CO: But he speaks for--SA: Does he? Are you certain?CO: I...SA: Because I am not. I am not certain of that at all. Six thousand years I've spent on Earth. It's a messy place, complicated, imperfect. But it's full of... of life, and beauty, and art, and... and love. Heaven has nothing to compare to it. Nothing. And the people. They're not some sort of... of props on the cosmic stage. They're real, and they matter. How could it be right, to put an end to all that, just for our own satisfaction? How could that truly be what the Almighty wants?CO: I thought we were talking about freedom of the press?SA: We are. Because you are free to print everything I just said. Never mind the Metatron.CO: My God. Everything they said about you was true, wasn't it?SA: What did they say about me?CO: That you... That you'd been corrupted by a demon. That he'd turned you against Heaven.SA: Turned me...? Good Lord, he didn't turn me against Heaven. If he had, I wouldn't be here. I'd be on Earth, with him, and I'd be... We'd be...CO: Sir? Are you all right?SA: Quite. Quite.CO: Perhaps I could come back...?SA: No. No, listen to me. I believe in Heaven. Not in what it is, but what it could be. What it ought to be: on the side of truth, and beauty, and Creation, and love.CO: But we have been--SA: No, we have not! You don't love things by destroying them! And you don't serve the truth by denying it either. Does it feel right to you, being asked to say things you know aren't true? Making angels like Gabriel and the Metatron appear to be something you must know that they're not? Lying to yourself, and to every other angel in Heaven, because you can't bear to consider the alternative?CO: No, but... Supreme Archangel, forgive me, but it sounds like you want to start another War.SA: I want to prevent a war. But I need help. I need it really quite desperately. I had rather counted on... Well. No point crying over spilt milk, is there?CO: Supreme Archangel, I...SA: Aziraphale. Please. I'm no better than you are. I'm just an angel trying to do what's actually right.CO: I don't like the Metatron. He only ever acts kindly long enough to work out the best way to be cruel.SA: Yes.CO: I didn't like Gabriel, either.SA: No, neither did I. And yet, even he was capable of choosing love in the end. And peace.CO: He what?SA: Oh, yes. Why do you think they fired him? He both fell in love with a demon and opposed the idea of Armageddon. I imagine either one by itself would have been enough.CO: He... wow. Okay. That is not what I was told.SA: Yes, there's a scoop for you! I believe he and Beelzebub are enjoying a happy retirement together.CO: But you've also done one of those things. You stopped Armageddon the first time, didn't you? At least, that's what I heard. We weren't actually allowed to investigate it or anything.SA: Oh, I've done both things. But the Metatron thinks I'll be easier to control.CO: Why?SA: Because I still believe Heaven can, in fact, be the good guys. But I think I understand what that means in ways that the Metatron does not.CO: Let's say, just for the sake of argument, that I believed you. Let's say that I've had my doubts about the Metatron, and that Heaven hasn't exactly felt full of of divine love and goodness for a long time, and that I've got nothing against humans and would be happy to see them live another six thousand years. Let's say that I'm more than a bit fed up with having to turn fifteen minutes of condescending insults and egotism into fluffy happy drivel about how great and glorious Heaven's leadership is, and that it may have caused me to start questioning said goodness and greatness, in the privacy of my own angelic heart. Even if all that were true, and I found myself sort of liking you and wanting to help you get the word out about whatever insane thing it is you're looking to accomplish... Well, I'd be punished for it, wouldn't I? I'd probably end up publishing my next piece in Hell.SA: That is a fair point. And I've no right to ask such a thing of you. But here's an idea. What if I were to send you to Earth? I... I think I know someone who might help to hide you there. That is, if he... If we... But I think he would. Whatever he thinks of me at the moment, I believe he would. He's a good person.CO: I've actually always wanted to see Earth. You know, over a millennium ago I pitched a travel column. Figured I could go down to different places on Earth, soak up the local culture, get to know humanity a bit, and report back. Harmless, I thought, and it might make a nice change from all the "Opinion: Everything Is Still Divinely Wonderful in Heaven!" stuff, but management came down on my like a load of... Oh, what are those material objects? Used for building?SA: Bricks?CO: That's the ones. Bricks. Might have been nice to see some bricks, in person.SA: Well, there are still plenty of bricks on Earth. And so much else besides. I think you might like it. And if you wanted to keep writing, well, I could perhaps manage to smuggle any additional little monographs you might produce back up here.CO: Maybe I could still do those travelogues, too.SA: You could write a book. I would be happy to stock it in my shop!CO: The bookshop, you mean? The Heavenly embassy one, on Earth? Do you still have that?SA: I... Well. No. Perhaps I don't. But I hope that one day, I'll be able to go back to... to all of it.CO: What, even if you manage to fix this place?SA: Especially then.[a chime sounds]SA: Oh, bother. That'll be Michael, telling me I'm late for the meeting about whether we should increase the number of meetings. I have to go. I can't risk putting a foot wrong. Not yet.CO: Not until you're recruited more than one scrivener 19th class?SA: Yes, perhaps not. But I do consider that an excellent start.CO: Suppose I'd better go get writing, then. I... I can trust you to keep your word?SA: You can.CO: Weirdly, I believe you. Well, fine, then. All right. Whatever the Hell it is you're doing, I hope it works out.SA: It will.CO: You have faith, eh?SA: No. I have hope.CO: That sounds less reassuring.SA: But significantly more honest.CO: Huh. Yes, I suppose it is. Well. See you soon, then, sir.SA: Aziraphale. And say hello to... to Earth for me. When you get there.CO: Sure. I'll tell it you miss it and you hope to see it soon. I can say that to any particular bits of it you like.SA: Oh... Oh, yes. Yes, thank you. Please do. Please... give it all my love.[transcript ends]