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"Are you sure you want to?""I do""Are you 100% sure, you can change your mind baby""I want to do this, i really want to do this with you" frank softly whispered into rays ear.Ray was positioned over frank as he spoke gently to his partner. He had been sucking kisses into his neck for a while now, the occasional bite making its way into the mix. Frank seemed to have been enjoying it, the subtle whine escaping from his throat. Ray grinded down against his thigh, letting ouy a heavy sigh of relief as he felt the satisfaction flow through him, frank experimentally grinded back, letting out a small whimper at the sensation. It felt good, but there was still a lingering feeling of dread.Ray began kissing his neck again, moving his hands down franks body, curling one finger under the rim of his shirt. He tugged upwards, movng the shirt up so that he had better access to franks stomach. He moved down, trailing kisses down his stomach as he went. Working his hands up to cup franks left peck, the other moving down to grasp his dick through his pants.Frank froze. It felt like boiling water against him, the touch reminding him of the horrible things in his past. He wanted it to feel good. He wanted to enjoy the feeling. Its supposed to be good. Why wouldnt it feel good?Frank had to do it for ray. He had waited so long.What if Ray was dissapointed in frank?He couldnt have that.Do it for ray. Frank forced a whimper out, smiling at rays reaction. All he wanted was to make ray happy. "Can i take off your shirt?" Ray softly asked, licking a stripe up the skin that was on show. Frank nodded, looking away from his boyfriend, focusing on one spot on the roof. He felt his shirt lift over his head, he was beginning to zone out.The memoriesThe feelingsHes not safeHe isnt safe hereIts happening againFight backDont let him hurt you againFranks thoughts overtook him. He couldnt hear anything. He couldnt see. The feeling was like burning, rays hands on his chest, and then on his shoulders, and then his face. Frank couldnt handle it.Ray was distantly calling his name, not that frank could hear. He didnt know what to do to get him back."Frankie whats going on-" ray begged, stepping away from frank who now layed on the bed, hyperventilating. He didnt know what to do. He slowly sat back next to frank, now holding him gently by one hand, hoping it would bring him back to reality.Frank couldnt breathe, it felt like he was being choked. It felt like his hands were crawling down his chest and down to his hips. It felt disgusting again.Soon enough, frank could hear ray again. He could feel ray again. He sat up, realising he was sobbing now, hiding his face in his hands."Frankie darling what happened? You are safe nothing is gonna hurt you sweetheart" he cooed, hoping frank could now understsnd what hes saying.Frank still couldnt respond. The feeling of rocks in his throat lingered. "What do you need right now" ray softly asked. "Its okay if you cant speak rigjt now, take your time frankie. Just know im here" he gently spoke, not touching him now.He took deep breaths, trying to gather himself enough to tell ray to hold him. He just wanted to be held. Close to his boyfriends warm, loving body.Ray slowly calmed franks breathing down with soothing reminders that he is safe and loved, before frank was able to make eye contact with him."Im sorry ray" he mumbled under his breath, tears still falling. Ray felt heartbroken at the sight. "Darling you do not have to be sorry, you did nothing wrong- are you ready to talk about it or would you rather us relax for a bit?" He gently pushed, wanting to know what he had done to trigger frank into a panic attack.Frank went stiff. He knew hed have to tell ray about his trauma eventually.He knew one day hed have to explain it and relive it in the process, and it looks like today is the day."Um- i have some stuff to tell you about my past" frank began, stuttering as he spoke. Ray coukd feel his reluctance in the room."Take your time baby im all ears""Uh, so when i was younger-" frank tried again. "You know how i said my uncle is a really bad person? Um, he used to assault me frequently- and-" frank stuttered out, keeping his eyes pinned down, far away from rays face. He was met by a gentle thumb on his chin, bringing his head up to look at ray. His face was streaming with tears, some od them dripping down to rays thumb. He could see rays eyes gloss over."I promise you, i will never hurt you like that". Ray said with anger in his voice. "No one should have ever hurt you like that" he whispered, a tear slipping."Ive got you now, no one can hurt me"
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It was about a week later, Frank had woken up with a hard on. Great. He fucking hated when this happened. It was normal- why did he have to feel so disgusting?He tried to ignore it, hoping it would quickly become flacid again, using his usual tactic of thinking about all of the disgusting things in the world. It didnt work. He felt ray shuffle in his sleep, rubbing against him by accident, and fuck did that feel good. He wishes it felt good all the time. He wishes he wasnt scared by pleasure.Ray stirred once more, frank shuffled his hips so that his dick would be pointed away from his boyfriend. He didnt want to get upset like he did last weekend with ray.A little while passed and suddenly, frank was startled by a groggy "morning baby", from his boyfriend curled next to him. Frank rolled back over, face now inches from his, pecking a kiss on his lips. "Morning" he smiled back, already so happy. Ray wrapped his hands around franks waist, pulling him closer and-Fuck.Ray smiled gently, kissing frank for longer this time. Frank wished he could enjoy sex. He wished he could, for himself, and for ray. Franks smile turned into a frown."You okay baby?" Ray asked, voice still groggy and thick. He didnt know how to say what he wanted to say. Frank took a deep breath, closing his eyes so he didnt have to look at ray when he said this."I hate waking up and- yknow" he started. "It just reminds me i cant do anything without- freaking out like i did last week-" he continued, voicr cracking now. Ray knew this was a sensitive topic for frank, he gently brushed franks cheek as he spoke."I just wish i didnt have PTSD ray, i really wish i could just feel good- and show you a good time and- its fucking painful being a 30 year old whos only ever been fucked by abusers" frank let out an exasperated sigh. Ray felt his heart broke as his boyfriend spilt his words. It hurt so much knowing how much other people had hurt him."I cant imagine how much stress this puts on you babe, you just dont deserve to feel like this" ray quietly spoke, trying desperatley to hold back tears. "I did alot of research the other day, i dont know if its gonna help baby but-" ray started before franks smile erupted onto his face. "You did research?" Frank smiled, feeling so cared for that his boyfriend had made the effort to try and help."Yeah of course- i didnt know much about PTSD and i didnt know alot about how to calm someone down who was dealing with an episode so- i researched it so i can be useful- i also have some other things i wanna talk to you about that i did more research into- only when you are ready and want to though baby i dont wanna feel like im forcing you into anything" ray begin rambling towards the end, not wanting his boyfriend to feel pressured.Frank couldnt wipe the smile off of his face even if he wanted to. He didnt know what to say. No one had ever made this much of an effort before, no one had ever cared enough to try and understand this part of him."You are so perfect ray" frank beamed, before pressing a gentle kiss to his boyfriends lips. Ray smiled back. "What did you look into?" He smiled. Ray held frank close again. "I looked into how alot of people with ptsd have to work their way up to the bigger stuff. We jumped right in, way too quickly" he started, with apologetic eyes."If you want, we can start off with smaller things, touching ourselves with eachother, kissing while i touch you? Or you can touch me? Or we can grind for a bit, i also considered the idea, would it help if you were on top?" Ray slowly spoke, softly playing with franks hair as he did. Franks cock twitched against rays thigh. He took a deep breath. "No one is gonna hurt you baby" ray softly spoke as his cock twitched, it reminded frank he was safe. He was safe with ray."I like the sound of that- ive never- done any of this before- not willingly at least" he began. "I really like the idea of being on top, just so i can- not feel trapped? I guess with someone being ontop of me it reminds me of him" frank softly spoke back. "I did alot of research into safewords too, d'you know what they are babe?" He softly asked, pressing another kiss into franks forehead. Frank had watched porn once in his life, and ray was the first boyfriend he had that wasnt abusive as fuck.Frank shook his head, feeling stupid for a minute before telling himself he did not need to feel stupid."If we were doing stuff, and you felt uncomfortable, you could say a word which we agreed on beforehand, and it will alert me to immediatley stop whats happening, without you having to tell me to stop directly baby, i know thats gotta be hard for you""That makes me feel way better already" frank smiled softly. "I feel like a freak about all of this- i mean ive never even fucking got myself off before""Thats okay though, you arent a freak for that babe" ray insisted. Stroking franks hand now. "You got to take that stuff at your own pace" he reminded.Frank smiled. "I love you""I love you too, frankie".
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"What do you want your safeword to be?" He softly asked frank, placing the cup of coffee on the counter. He paused for a bit, thinking to himself."Scarecrow, i think i want it to be scarecrow" he said, a small smile on his face. "Okay baby, scarecrow it is" ray gently said, pulling the coffee cup to his lips and taking a long sip.They had arranged to sit down and work out all of the boundaries, talk through all things that are off of the table and discuss any woes and worries frank had.Frank cuddled into rays side, smile growing as ray made a soft hum of apreciation at the feeling of his boyfriends body against his. "I also read up on traffic light code if you want to try out that aswell? As an extra safety net?""How does that work?" He asked, looking up curiously at ray. "Basically, every now and then, i can ask for your colour. If you are happy with the situation, say green, if you are okay but want to slow down or change the situation, and red is completely stop and talk about what happpend, is that something you feel would help? You can ask for mine if you think thats reassuring" he asked.Frank thought for a second. "I like that, are you gonna have a safeword?""Yeah baby, my safeword is venom, always has been, im really glad you think these might help" ray stroked franks hair with love as he spoke."Ray, can we use safewords outside the bedroom? Like if we feel uncomfortable anywhere"Ray looked down and smiled at frank, taking another sip of his coffee. "Of course we can, thank you for asking me baby, ill keep that in mind" he replied, taking one final sip of his coffee before putting it down on the counter."Sometimes i just feel a bit uncomfortable in certian places or around certian smells and- it just- its really scary" he honestly told ray, looking down into his cup of coffee as he spoke. He felt like he couldnt look at ray when he was saying anything about his ptsd. He already felt guilty enough for not telling him in the first place."Can i ask you a question? you do not have to answer if you dont want to" ray began. Frank nodded, taking rays hand in his. "Can you tell me a bit about your triggers and what happens when you do get triggered? And- in the past, when youve had panic attacks- was it actually your ptsd?"Frank felt himself staring into space as he thought about how to formulate his answer. Its alot for him to talk about his triggers. And ray was right. Most of the time, when he has had 'panic attacks' in the past, it had been PTSD episodes."I really dont like the smell of certian colonges, i hate the smell of weed. I also hate anyone touching me, anywhere- if i dont know them. The feeling of throwing up really sets me off, i really really hate being yelled at. People calling me shit like useless and degrading me- people touching my neck- especially" he slowly said, ray could hear the pain in his voice, it hurt."Thats only some of it, alot of random things trigger me, sometimes its unexpected- oh and of course people speaking about sex, seeing people have sex, and the worst one is when people try and- yknow- assault me- or hit on me in a creepy way-" frank murmured under his breath. Ray paused for a moment. He wanted to give frank the time he needed."Im so sorry frankie" was all ray could say. He didnt know what to say honestly. He just wished frank had never gone through any of it."When things trigger me its like- it feels like im back there with him and- the hallucinations get really bad. Sometimes its phsyical feeling like im being- touched- sometimes its noise or smell- i just shut down when it happens, cant breathe- like a panic attack but it feels like im reliving everything." He said in a kind of ramble. "How do i calm you down when- that happens? If you know- of course- i just dont want to leave you like that, i want to help""Dont touch me- it makes it worse when people touch me- it helps when you tell me im safe and remind me that you are there and- he isnt" he spoke, still looking away from ray. He felt like he couldnt say it if they were making eye contact, for some reason."I dont know if im ready to do more than kissing yet- one day- i really wanna do more with you but- i just dont know if i can yet" he said quietly. "Im sorry"Ray immediatley interupted. "You have nothing to be sorry for frank- i want you to be comfortable- this is such a big step for you and- im so glad you trust me with this" ray insisted, holding frank close as he spoke.Frank didnt say anything, he just layed curled against his boyfriend silently. A while passed of just peace and quiet, both processing the conversation they had just had."Ray?" Frank asked."Yeah babe?""You got anything your scared of?"Ray paused for a little while, his face changing into an expression of thoughtfullness."I have alot of body image issues, im horrified of people seeing me without a shirt or seeing my body? Its a bit different with you- but it still makes me really anxious"Frank thought about what ray said. He didnt know how someone so beautiful could dislike their appearance. "I think you are beautiful ray""Really?""Yeah angel. The most beautiful guy in the world"
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It had been a long day, frank and ray had been to a gig together, it was now 1am. It was an understatement to say they were exhausted. A big one.They were caked head to toe in sweat, beer and probably piss, their heads light and fuzzy from the alcohol and loud music. Ray couldnt wipe the stupid fucking grin off of his face, he had so much fun with frank.They lingered slightly further back, so frank could have an easy escape if he needed it, and as it would be less overwhelming there. They had started a little pit, frank got on rays shoulders at one point.Despite how much fun they had had, ray was tired, sweaty, and needed a shower."Frankie how much water do we have left?" Ray called down the hall, where frank was checking the water meter. He didnt get a response. He slowly walked down to where frank was situated, his body aching from the body banging and moshing they had done."Theres just about enough for one shower" frank spoke, voice raw and groggy.Oh.Thats a bit of a problem."What should we do?" Ray yawned."Get in together? If your okay with that-" frank suggested, wiping his eye."Yeah- thatd be nice" ray softly smiled. They were now in the bathroom, staring at eachother. Theyd never even seen eachother naked before, barr franks chest. "I can turn the lights off if itll make you more comfortable" frank spoke to ray, gently wiping some sweat off of his top lip.Ray shook his head, before lifting his shirt over his shoulders. "God i stink" he laughed to himself, before cupping franks cheeks and pressing a small kiss to his lips."You do" frank laughed back, in a dazed manor. He was so proud of his boyfriends progress, feeling comfortable enough in himself to do this despite his fears. He was nervous himself, but subconsiously he knew ray was never gonna hurt him.Frank followed, taking off his shirt too. He kissed into rays neck, holding one of his hands. "Can i touch?" Frank softly whispered into rays ear the best he could due to the height difference.Ray smiled gently and nodded, frank slowly moved a hand down his chest, pressing himself close to his boyfriend. He placed a kiss against rays chest, beginning a trail of light pecks down him. He stood up as tall as he could, kissing against his neck now, attempting to leave a red mark. He loved kissing, it was something his uncle never did, so it was safe.Frank stepped back, pulling down his patched trousers, revealing his boxers. The boxers covered the majority of the scars on his thighs, with them being so long, but they left a few exposed. Ray had never seen frank like this before, he felt butterflies swarm through his stomach, but also a wave of sadness. He had seen franks scars on his arms before, but never questioned it. He never wanted to pry into that part of franks life before he was ready to speak about it. He knew what it was like.Ray had the same scars marked on his thighs too, he hated them. Regardless, he followed, taking his jeans off, along with his underwear. Frank followed, keeping eye contact with ray.They didnt say anything, their thoughts communicating with eachother for them. They could both sense the feeling of love and adoration in the air, they didnt need to speak.They got into the shower, turning the tap on so the water could heat up, standing close to eachother. "Can i touch your chest?" Ray spoke, eyes locked with franks. The air was thick with the feeling of arousal, but he did not want to push frank too far too quick, especially while they were intoxicated.Frank nodded, taking rays hand and moving it to his chest. Ray begin tracing the tattoos dotted around, pressing light kisses the scars which were scattered around. Franks head fell back, a loud groan escaping from his throat. He didnt even care. the feeling of rays lips pressing against his chest, mixed with the hot water and the loving atmosphere was euphoric. "Is this okay?" Ray asked. Frank nodded, throwing hid arms over rays shoulders. "Words baby" he asked. "Im- it so good" frank softly whispered. "More- please" frank whimpered, wishing ray would go further, he felt so comfortable."Im not going further frankie, you are very drunk right now" ray slurred, kissing franks neck again now. Rays heart was pounding, frank felt nervous too. But it was good nervous. "We better get on before the water goes cold" ray softly giggled, pouring shampoo into his hands. "Can i?" He asked, indicating his hands to franks hair. He nodded, with a smile, before ray began massaging franks head, rubbing soft circles into his scalp and hair. He let out a hum of satisfaction, before he grabbed the soap bottle and a loofah, beginning to wash himself. He rinsed it off, before adding more soap and lifting rays arms up slightly, washing his body too.Ray was a little bit shaky in the moment, but it was getting worse. "Whats wrong honey" frank asked, pickong up on his worsening state. "Im okay- its quite a heavy topic we can talk about it later frankie, im okay becauze im here safe sith you" he softly spoke, his voice like butter.Frank smiled warmly, now rinsing off in his boyfriends arms, until the water soon ran cold. Knce they had dried off, they had blow dried their hair, they decided not to change into pjamas. "Are you okay with me sleeping naked?" Frank asked ray, he smiled. He was so proud to see his boyfriend making those steps. "Of course, do you mind me not changing aswell?" He asked back, kissing his boyfriends cheek. He shook his head, wrapping his arms around ray. He was still slightly shaky. "Whats up babe?" He nudged, wanting to know what was going on in rays mind."Im just pushing myself alot here, i dont really like my body and all so- im just in the process of adjusting still? I promise id say something if i was uncomfortable" ray muttered as rhey curled into bed together. "Well i am proud of you ray" frank whispered into his chest."Im so proud of you too, honey"They slowly curled against eachother, before drifting into a drunken, post concert sleep, their bodies warm against eachother.
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The next morning ray was awoken to the sound of gagging echoing out of the bathroom. It was mixed with tears and sniffles, which instantly sent ray into panic mode."Frankie?" He called down the hall, jogging to get to where his boyfriend was situated. Frank was positioned over the toilet bowl, crouched into a ball, hands glasping the lid for what seemed like dear life.and then ray remembered their conversation a few days prior. The feeling of throwing up triggers frank. Dont touch him if hes having an episode. "Frankie can you give me a thumbs up if you can hear me?" Ray asked, crouching down next to his boyfriend as he gagged. After a few seconds, he moved his thumb up the best he could, struggling to breathe from the lack of air. "Tissue baby" ray offered, holding out his hand with tissues in so that frank could wipe his face.It broke ray to see frank like this, stupid. Fucking. Hangovers.Frank shakily took the tissue, wiping his mouth off. He tried to sit upright, nearly flopping over. "Can i touch you right now love?" He asked, flushing the toilet. Frank reluctantly nodded, before trying to speak. "Not my neck or below my waist- just- hug" he said between harsh breaths. Ray let frank flop into his arms, rays headache now kicking in. "What can i get you babe?" He spoke quietly, stroking franks head."Just- painkillers- and water" he asked through a sore throat and panicy breathing. He was shaking. Ray nodded, getting up temporarily to grab the painkillers and some water. He carefully handed frank the water, before popping two pills himself, handing another 2 to frank."Youre safe frankie" ray whispered lightly, holding frank as he did. Frank began to attempt breathing through his nose and out through his mouth, focusing on the sensations around him currently rather than the hallucinations which began setting in.It felt like he was being choked again. "Frankie can you tell me 5 things you can see right now?" Ray attempted, not knowing if this tactic would work. Frank paused. "The bright light- door, towels, the cabinet and the toilet" he choked out, trying to keep himself as calm as possible. "Focus on me babe, tell me 4 things you can feel""You- my throat hurts- its like choking- the cold floor- your hair on my neck""The choking isnt real love, fight it away, nothing here right now is hurting you" ray soothed, he felt franks rugged breathing slightly slow."Youre safe love, now can you tell me 3 things you can hear?" Ray pushed, knowing frank could do it. "Your voice- my breathing- the leaky tap-" he stuttered back. Rays hand stayed interlocked with franks, he could still feel how incredibly shaky he was. Frank was trying to focus on what was real, rather than what was haunting him. It was so hard, especially when it felt so lifelike."2 things you can smell""Your soap and sick" frank choked out, taking another second to try and focus on his breathing. Despite all his efforts, though, the hallucinations persisted. "You are doing so well, remember in through your nose, gasping for air will make it feel worse baby"Frank tried to get into the rhythm of breathing in through his nose and out through his mouth, but the feeling of choking, his throat full again haunted him. "One thing you can taste" ray asked, stroking franks hand. "Vomit" he half spoke half cried out, leaning his head further against rays chest."Keep thinking about those things darling, the choking isnt real i promise you" he insisted, gently holding frank up, sure to avoid his neck or anywhere below his stomach.He was so scared, completely unaware of what to do for his boyfriend, he didnt know how to help, or if what he was doing was working.Franks face was streaming with tears, now embarassed ontop of the other feelings. He had never been this exposed with ray before, and he realised how open it all was so suddenly.Frank began losing himself again. He was zoning out from reality. He could feel his uncles hand around his throat and his dick in his mouth again. It felt so real, down to the taste and the smells.The pain made his head hurt more. He couldnt see, he couldnt hear anything other than his uncles voice. He couldnt breathe.The dizzyness which filled his head as he struggled for air was painful, it felt disgusting.He was disgusting."Let go of me" frank cried now, pushing off of ray and moving to sit up against the wall. Ray quickly complied, moving to sit infront of frank, however not touching him. His heart shattered as he lost hope of knowing what to do, he felt hopeless. All he could do was remind frank it wasnt real. "You are safe i promise you" he whispered, almost a mantra at this point.Frank couldnt hear ray right now. It was like he was in another world. He cried small murmurs of 'no' and "get off", hardly able to breathe.Why was he getting worse? Frank began scratching at his wrists, before ray took his hands. "You cant do that frankie, you are here with me, im ray, im not him and i promise you im not going to hurt you" he carried on repeating, stroking franks palms gently. "Nothings gonna get you here, its not real" he spoke gently to frank.His uncle was leaving, it was fading back to the reality of the bathroom. The bathroom with his boyfriend ray.Ray was safe.Ray would never hurt him.He slowly began stabilising his breathing, taking breaths in through his nose as ray guided, and out through his mouth.He felt pathetic."Frankie when you are ready can you tell me, im gonna get you to the bedroom and get you some clothes and we can try and figure out what happened, is that okay?"There was a few minutes of pause, frank still focusing on his breathing, before he nodded. "Im sorry" he cried, hiding his head in his knees which were now brought up to his chest.No two words have ever angered ray further in his life. "Frank dont you dare apologise for this, i promise you have no reason to apologise. Are you with me now?" He asked."Yeah- yeah im with you""Nothing will hurt you here, i swear on it"
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Two hours later, frank was still shaky. He had calmed down enough now to process his thoughts without panicing, though.On days where this happened he felt weak.Ray had gone downstairs to make tea and food, he knew frank needed a little bit of space for a while.He had since put clothes on and brushed his teeth, he didnt know how to talk about this with ray. It was alot to say, the first time he had an episode that extreme infront of him in a very long time. Nevermind the fact this was the first time ray knew what was going on.Almost on queue, he heard a small knock at the door, before he was met with a tray of food being carried by a worried ray."I made you tea and toast""You are so perfect" frank smiled as ray brought the tray to franks lap."You must be looking in a mirror there iero" ray commented back at franks loving remark, detering the compliment as he always did.As cheesy as it was, it made frank smile a small grin. "You dont have to talk about what happened earlier babe, but im just letting you know if you want to im all ears" his voice was calm and steady, full of love and care. There was a small pause as frank brought the tea up to his lips, drawing a long sip."I just wanna thank you- for not- judging me or- leaving me there alone" frank spoke. "Id never do that- i could never leave you there alone, im sorry i wasnt much help" rays voice was like butter, again. How was it possible for his voice to be so silky smooth?They ate their toast, drank their tea and flicked on a film. They werent really watching.It was amazing how they had only been dating for 3 months, but they had been so infatuated with eachother. They were so deeply in love, it was borderline insane."Everything hurts so bad" frank laughed to himself, moving the empty tray off of his lap, shifting to crack his back. "I feel you there, i swear we are getting old or something" ray laughed back. "19 going on 90" he muttered, stretching his arms over his head, earning a giggle from ray."You want a massage?" He said back, softly stroking his palm. Frank thought about it for a while. "Yeah, i do" he smiled, taking a deep breath. "You want one after?" Frank added, seeing ray struggle to sit up. Ray nodded, a smile creeping onto his face.Frank was taking every opportunity for rays hands to just be on him, it felt incredible, and it was all practice which made frank almost reprogram his brain into being okay with physical touch."You can use your safeword at any point remember" ray softly spoke, getting up with a small hobble to find some massage oil. He found some, sitting next to frank who had already began taking off the pjamas he had put on a few hours before."How do you wanna lay babe? Or you can sit if thatll feel more comfortable" he knew frank didnt like laying with his face down, he knew he didnt like that whatsoever.Frank thought about it. "Can i sit up? If thatll work" frank asked with a slight shyness in his voice."Yeah of course-" ray said, sitting behind frank now. He softly rubbed some oil onto his hands, before gently beginning to massage franks shoulders. He felt how tight the muscles were, he knew frank had been stressed ontop of the existing concert whiplash. The more he gently rubbed his hands against frank, the more he felt him relax. It was a loving feeling, he kept reminding himself where he was, and who he was with."That feels incredible ray" frank spoke, voice breathy now. "I didnt know a massage could feel this good" he half laughed. Ray smiled. "You green then?" He said with a giggle. "Yeah- im green" he smiled.Ray moved slightly down franks back, being sure to keep a slow pace. "What was your favourite part about last night?" Ray asked, feeling frank relax into rays touch now. Frank hummed thoughtfuly."You remember that really nice pair of dudes we bumped into?" He smiled sweetly. "Yeah, the brothers?" He asked, rubbing slightly firmer into one particularly tight spot on franks shoulder. "I liked seeing how happy they were together, i never had that with my brother" frank said, there wasnt any weight behind that statement, him and his brother were just different people."My neck- can you- try my neck?" He asked, his head rolling back slightly. "Just like this yeah?" He asked, slowly moving his thumbs up to rub franks neck. He rolled his head back, letting out a drawn out groan. "That feels so good" he laughed, melting into rays touch. "Its just me" ray whispered softly against his skin, pressing a kiss to the back of his neck. He silently carried on massaging various tense points on his boyfriends neck and torso, kissing every now and then on various points.Ray noticed a change in franks body language. He got nervous."Colour babe?""Yellow" frank said after a pause. Ray let go of him, moving to sit infront of frank. "It feels nice but im getting a weird feeling, can i give you a massage instead?" Frank gently questioned. Ray paused, thinking about the idea of franks hands on him. It was so desirable, but he ddint know if he wanted franks hands on his stupid fucking fat.He was so gross.He was overweight and just fucking unatractive, how did frank see anything else."Uh- not right now babe" he forced a smile, wiping his hands on the towel on the floor."Lets just get some rest, we got a busy day tomorrow babe""Yeah, what you wanna watch?""I dont care, im with you so it doesnt matter"
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Ray couldnt sleep. His thoughts were quite literally like a whirlwind in his head.All he could think about was how perfect frank was, and how disgusting he felt.Ray always had body image problems. Ever since he was about 9. He was alot taller than most of the other boys, also becoming alot heavier at a younger age. He was relentlessly bullied for his larger, soft stomach, his curvy hips and his full chest. Alot of people bullied him for his nose, for his hair, for the way he talked.He hated how he looked so bad by age 13 that began hurting himself. It started off small, scratching at his thighs and wrists, but eventually the satisfaction became harder to grasp.It was a random thursday when it all began, he got into a massive arguement with his mother, her telling him he needed to stop eating so much junk and to do more exersice, stabbing remarks at him about his body.That night he found himself fiddling with a lighter he had kept for candles, mainly used when he would play dungeons and dragons, but he decided instead to hold the lighter to his wrist. Flicking it alight, he burnt the skin on hid arm, flinching away quickly and hissing. He moved to a different position, burning himself worse, and the rest was history.The next arguement was over the burn marks, his mum was now accusing him of smoking. He hated the smell of cigarettes, he would never. That night he found the razor blades in the bathroom. Sobbing, he lifted one to his right wrist, with full force dragging a line accross his arm. This caused ray to drop the blade, grabbing at his arm to try and soothe the pain. It was fucking agonising. He smiled.Soon after that, he had began cutting out junk food. He limited his daily intake. Hed skip breakfast and lunch, only eating dinner. He saw progress. He saw a prettier version of himself.He continued until he stopped losing weight, and ever since, he hadnt been able to lose anything further. Ray zoned back in, realising he was stroking over the many scars on his wrist which were still raised. He did that sometimes.Frank was fast asleep next to him, snoring slightly. He was in his boxers this time, he admired franks beautiful tattoos, his beautiful pale skin, he wondered to himself how anyone had hurt him like that, ever. He didnt deserve it. How could someone hurt someone so beautiful and innocent?He heard a small stir from the body next to him, before franks eyes opened. His breathing was shaky, alarming ray. "Babe whats up?" He asked, making sure he wasnt touching frank.Frank sat up, eyes glossy. "Just a nightmare, wasnt a bad one" he said through a few harsher breaths. "Hug" frank sleepily said, flopping his body againsy rays, wrapping his arms around him. He wrapped his arms around frank too, holding him close. "Youre safe babe" he whispered into franks hair lovingly."Why are you awake?" Ray asked before he could even think of an answer to his question. "Just couldnt sleep babe" he deterred. "You wanna talk about it or should i just cuddle you forever" ray dragged out, holding frank closer and kissing his cheek from behind."Cuddles please" frank whispered, turninh around to straddle ray now. He was sat over rays waist now, chest pressed tightly ahainst rays. It was ckmforting being able to hear rays heart beat, it was fast paced and panicy, just like franks. "You sure your okay babe?" Frank whispered, kissing rays neck sweetly. "Yeah just- its silly" he said, stroking franks cheek. "Its not silly if its upsetting you" frank prompted."I just was thinking about my body" he softly spoke, stroking franks hair. "I just wish i could be happy in my body. If it isnt my stomach its my chest. If it isnt my scars its my stretch marks-" ray muttered, before frank interupted. "You are beautiful ray" he whispered, cupping his boyfriends face.Ray shook his head. "Can i?" Frank asked, dragging a finger from his cheek to his chest. Ray nodded, stroking franks hair one last time before frank pulled away. He pressed kissed down from rays full lips. He kissed down the middle of his neck, kissing down his chest now. He sucked kisses into the soft skin on his pecks, he began sucking marks there. He moved down, kissimg down towards his belly button, kissing everywhere he could. His hands roamed over as much of rays body as he could reach. Ray relaxed into the touch, stroking franks hand."You are so beautiful ray""I dont feel it""You will one day honey, one day youll see how fucking perfect you are"
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
It was a few weeks later, frank woke up once again with a hard on. He didnt really know what to do about it. He didnt know if he was ready for ray to touch him like that yet.He thought however, might feel okay touching himself.He hadnt touched himself since it happened. He never felt comfortable enough to really do that before. Frank felt a weird kind of nervousness, like an excitement. He didnt want to wake his boyfriend though. Until he heard ray stir."Mmmnhmn" he heard a long groan from his boyfriend, the usual before ray woke up. He cuddled into his boyfriends warm body. He lifted a leg over his waist, until he realised.Ray was hard too."Morning babe" ray whispered, before he realised what had happened. He moved quickly away from.frank, making sure his boner was no longer prodding frsnks thigh. "Shit im so sorry" he said, voife thick as he had only just woken up."Shh dont be sorry- me too" frank whispered, kissing rays lips gently. "Morning" frank smiled. Ray was picking up in a new found confidence in franks demeanor, it made him so proud."Can i try touching myself with you" frank asked with a timid tone, kind of abruptly. It caught ray off guard."Y-yeah- fuck yeah" ray smiled, kissing up at frank."Ive never done this before- so- please bare with me" frank softly reminded, before ray sat up. "Hey frank you know we can take this as slow as possible, remember your safeword" ray reminded, kissing franks cheek. "How do you wanna do this?" Frank asked, nodding, kissing his boyfriend on the lips now.Ray let out a hum against franks, now cupping one of his cheeks. They kissed for a while, before frank pulled away. "Theres a few ways we can do this" ray whispered in franks ear, his head now laying on 9 chest. "Tell me" frank whispered back, now sitting up to kiss rays neck while he spoke."Fuck-" ray almost whimpered. Franks cock jumped at the sound, fuck was it hot. "Do you want me to touch you or do you feel more comdortsble if we just touch ourselves but- still kiss- or-or we can grind- or- fuck frank stop i cant concentrate" ray whimpered breathily, frank had moved down to rays nipple, slowly nipping at it. "I dont know if im ready for you to touch me- i- i like the sound of us getting ourselves off- or- i can touch you and me? I just- dont know if im ready for that-" frank spoke."Youre in control baby, whatever you wanna do, we can do" ray reminded, stroking his hair. Frank loved it when ray played with his hair, it brought him that intoxicating feeling of comfort that he constantly longed for.Frank smiled, ray kissing his neck behind his ear. He didnt know where to go from there, he hadnt touched himself in years."Show me" he whispered, ray knew exactly what he meant. Ray shuffled up slightly, still kissing ray, but he slowly pulled his shorts down with one hand. He got them down enough that his cock could escape. "Can i- look" frank said below a whisper, a grin literally devoured rays face. "You can look at whatever you like frankie"The way that ray wrapped his hand around the base of his dick was a sight he had never seen before, and my god was it hot. The whimpering sound ray made as he made his first stroke was unlike no other.Frank felt safe.He slowly made his own hand down, reaching into his boxers, he slowly wrapped his hand around the tip, letting out a whine of apreciation. Ray couldnt have been more turned on if he tried. Franks head fell back, and the world turned into pure ectacy as he stroked his hand down his cock in a slow movement. "Oh- oh my god" frank whined out, ray mirrored, now finding a pace to rub his own cock. "Colour babe" ray asked, voice cracking now."G-green"Frank mirrored the pace of ray, his eyes locked on the sight of his hand on his dick. "Yo-you are so fucking hot" frank moaned out, stroking over his tip.They whimpered with eachother, stroking faster and more desperatley over time. The waves of pleasure cascading through frank spurred him on, until that familiar feeling built up again. He was gonna cum.Suddenly, everything was bad again. The feeling wasnt good anymore. His skin crawled, he felt that familiar feeling of nausea and disgust wash over him. He immediatley stopped touching himself, sitting back."Scarecrow" he whispered, bringing his knees up to his chest. He curled into a ball, covering his ears with his hands. Ray shuffled back as quick as he could, making sure he wasnt touching frank. "Youre safe babe, i promise" he soothed, still being sure not to be to loud. Frank couldnt feel anything other than a hand around his throat and uncomfortable pleasure, mixed with incredible amounts of pain.He didnt realise feeling like he was going to cum would set him off so badly."I got you frankie, you did so- so fucking good babe" he spoke, gently going to take one of franks hands now. "Its ray, you are in your apartment with me, you arent in any danger right now" ray spoke, gently stroking franks hand. He repeated this until he melted into the touch, his breathing slowing down, he was calming back down.His whole body was still violently shaking, tears streaming down his face, but he was back with ray."Im sorry" he choked out, wiping his tears away. "Im so so so sorry""Stop apologising baby you dont have anything to apologise for- do you wanna talk about what happened? Tell me what you need right now" he spoke."I felt like i was gonna cum- and- thats not a good feeling- its really not- it just reminded me of when hed force me" he cried, nuzzling into rays chest. "I need a hug"Ray couldnt say anything, he just pulled frank into a tight hug, stroking his hair once more.
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
they spent the rest of the day in bed together, ray whispering small comforts and remarks, reminding frank he was safe and nothing would hurt him."frankie?""yeah babe?""im really proud of you, that was a big step"frank hummed, nestling into rays chest more. he felt o cared for and loved when ray said those sweet things. Frank smiled, he felt his stomach fill with butterflies."im so glad i have you" he whispered, taking rays hands. "it was a big step" he smiled to himself.ray and frank talked about all sorts. how they wanted to start a band, how they always wanted to do all of the cheesy couple stuff together. they wanted to go on some romantic gettaway to venice or something stupid like that. they wanted to ride those ridiculous tandem bikes and go to concerts together and romantic dates on their aniversary, they wanted to spend nights hearing about eachothers days and learning about each others pasts- well, rays past. they wanted to go to cafes and bake- and they frank realised"we can bake now, nothing stopping us" frank dangled the idea, he recieved a laugh. "baby we have no ingredients- and its like- 7pm""we can get ingredients, its never too late for baking" Frank got up, dragging his boyfriend out of bed with him, sticking on the first joggers he could find, sticking on a hoodie, that was 'accidentally' rays, that totally wasnt on purpose. Kissing ray, he went to the cupboard and started finding the same for ray.they stuck on some shoes and made their way to the closest shop they could find, it didnt take them long.Franks mood had improved so much, its almost like every time he hugged ray, he got charged with positivity."ray can i get in the trolley" frank pestered as ray lazily pushed the trolley down the aisle. "no babe" he chuckled, looking down to his boyfriend who was being drowned in his hoodie.frank clambered n anyways, sitting cross legged at the end. he began grabbing various things off of the shelves as ray wheeled him down the supermarket. he grabbed the essensials: fruit, flour, sugar, milk, but he grabbed things they very much didnt need, too. a small pile of stuffed animals, sewing supplies, a slipknot vinyl and a poster of some local bands, thought hed check it out when he went home."can we bake a chocolate cake?" ray asked, before he turned around slowly, it was hard since he was squished in the end of a trolley. "toro, is that even a question. of course we are making a chocolate cake." he said dramatically, spurring a laugh from ray. soon enough they made it home, and the chaos had already begun. the bottom of the shopping bag had fallen out, frank had gotten distracted adding to his teddy pile, trying to arrange them neatly (and failing), they realised they only had enough eggs to make one tier and frank was nervous about how the milk was gonna play on his stomach later."right the first step says we need to mix the flour, sugar and all the other dry ingredients into this bowl" ray read from a website on his phone."on it" frank said, pouring way too much sugar and chocolate powder into the bowl, the cocoa blooming up and clouding around the bowl. ray couldnt help but laugh, standing behind his boyfriend. "gotta add the flour too" he said, before frank could pick up the flour and add the correct amount this time. "now we gotta get another bowl and put all of the liquid ingredients in there"frank turned around, now trapped between ray and the counter, but it didnt feel intimidating. he leaned into ray, getting on his tip toes to press a kiss on rays lips.frank pulled away, staring into his eyes and admiring the love and playfullness that lingered there. ray sneakily prodded at the flour in the bowl, before wiping some on franks nose."hey! you cant do that" he laughed, wiping some off, turning around to gather enough flour from the bowl to cover rays face, he threw it, most of it missing and getting into rays long hair. he stood there with a large grin, his face shocked at his boyfriends retaliation."oh if you wanna play that game" ray began, picking up the bag. frank laughed, running behind the counter to the living room. "you wouldnt care" he giggled, but ray did dare. he threw a whole handful of flour at frank, dowsing him in the white powder, frank decided to arm himself with the cocoa.their playful fighting went on for around 10 minutes, before they returned to the cake making. they added the wet ingredients, consisting of eggs, nutella, milk and a tiny bit of oil, before pouring them al into one bowl.ray took the task of stirring the concoction together, as the powder carried on spilling everywhere. they should have used a bigger bowl. eventually, they got it in to bake, they stood next to eachother. "shower?" ray asked."yeah, shower"
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Frank decided to try his luck with masturbating on his own, maybe it would feel better if no one else was there? He sat in the bathroom, in the shower as it ran. Ray had gone out to a job interview, so it gave frank a few hours to experiment.He put on his favourite playlist, turning the heat on the shower up. The warm beads of water felt incredible against his back. They helped soothe the tension that pulled his muscles tight.He experimentally brushed a finger down his stomach, before meeting the base of his cock with his hand. He began by cupping his balls, squeezing them gently as he used his other hand to rub up the length of his dick.It felt magical.He whimpered out, head rolling backwards. He moved his hand up and down slowly, the water aiding his movement, not that he needed any extra help with the amount of precum leaking out of his tip.The more he touched, the more desperate he felt. Soon, he was bucking his hips upwards, fucking his hand at a fast pace. And before he knew it, the feeling was building up again. He was gonna cum. His head rolled back once more, whimpers and whines cascaded from his mouth like a waterfall and as suddenly as it all started-White hot streaks of cum splattered across the shower wall and his hand, the feeling of pleasure ploughing through him. It didnt take him long.He wanked himself through his high, various swears and curses escaping as he moaned. It felt incredible, and it wasnt ruined this time.He felt himself enter a state, a relaxed kind, leaning against the bathroom wall as the shower water went cold, still feeling the waves of pleasure that blessed him minutes prior.He stepped out of the shower, in some kind of realm of ecstacy, like he was high or some shit. The feeling still blazed through him, it was breathtaking. And almost on queue, he heard the door open. It was ray. "Frankie im home and i have good news" he called out, leaving him scrambling for a towel to wrap around his waist, to cover his half hard cock. Aparently one orgasm wasnt good enough for him right now.Frank knew what that meant. Ray got the job. He emerged from the bathroom, meetimg his boyfriend in their bedroom.Ray stood at rhe end of the hall, and he looked at frank in a way he had never before. "Fuck babe" he whined, smiling as he admired his soaking wet boyfriend standing infront of him, in just a towel."What" frank laughed, before realising what was going on."You look so sexy like that" ray smiled, getting closer so he could pull him nto a hug."Whats your good news?" Frank asked sweetly, a massive smile on his face from the pleasure and the compliments. He was hoping it was the news he thought it was."I got a call back, theres only one other guy they are interviewing and aparently there is enough space for two at the moment anyways, and aparently he is really nice" ray spoke, a massive smile on his face. "Im so glad baby" frank beamed back, leaning into rays touch. He was still on cloud nine from the earth shattering orgasm he had just had not even 5 minutes prior."Are you high without me frankie?" Ray asked, a giggle dragging out his sentence. "No" he said in a drawn out sigh. "I wanked off in the shower and- i came- i feel so good still" frank said, his whole demeanour was so relaxed. "You did?" Ray smiled, knowing what that meant to frank. "Yeah babe- and im still hard" he added."That is such a huge step darling im so proud of you" he smiled. "Hey toro" frank whispered."Yeah frankie?""You wanna go have a celebration?" He dangled the idea.Ray beamed. "Of course" They were now in bed, frank straddling rays waist, no clothes inbetween them. Ray was already a whimpering mess, franks confidence and power over him was such a turn on."Colour ray" frank asked gently, kissing the centre of rays neck now. "Green- fucking- green" he whimpered. "You like it when i kiss your neck?" Frank prompted, earning another moan from ray. "Fuck yeah babe" rays whines made franks cock twitch, he grinded down against rays dick to relieve the tension. Frank moaned this time, the pleasure felt pure.He was with his boyfriend in the most intimate way he ever had been, their cocks touching while they passionatley kissed together.Ray grinded upwards, the friction against his dick sending him into a new realm of pleasure.Frank was so comfortable, he knew ray wasnt going to hurt him, he never would. "Fuck ray" frank whined as his boyfrienfs hips rolled perfectly, his dick grinding against frank with so much friction."Fuck frank i feel like im gonna cum" ray just about got out, stuttering as he found a rhythm to grind against his boyfriend at. "Im nearly there" he whined back, grinding down at the same pace. "Feels- so good" frank moaned.Frank began sucking on rays neck again, leaving a red mark there now, before ray rolled his head back and let out a long, loud moan of relief. Frank could feel the warm sticky cum spurting out of rays cock, before he felt himself reaching the same release."Im-" frank cried out before he was interupted by his own moan. He went limp against ray, riding out his second orgasm of the last hour. He felt even better now, cumming with someone, especially as that someone was ray. He felt an odd sense of anxiousness settling in his chest, however, mixing with the bliss.It was confusing."Frankie that was so good" he whispered through heavy breaths. "You did so good" he stroked franks hair."That was so- so much better than earlier" frank huffed, trying to fight off the panicy feeling building."Im so proud of you" he breathed out, smiling at his boyfriend. He however picked up on the familiar anxious look in his eyes."Frankie youre safe, ive got you babe" he stroked through franks hair with soft, shaky hands. "What do you need right now?"Frank thought for a second, thinking about what would soothe the panic. "I just need you" he spoke with a shaky voice, kissing back into rays lips.Rays heart broke again. He brought frank closer to him, holding him close and tight as he slowly stroked his hair, the best way to calm him down."You are safe babe, im so proud of you"
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
Frank was not having a good week.Ray had started his new job, meaning frank was home alone 8 hours every day. Ontop of that, it was the aniversary of the first time he had been assaulted.It was too much.The feelings of loneliness mixed with guilt and shame and sadness drowned him, but he didnt tell ray. He put on a brave face like usual, because he didnt want to talk about it. He didnt want to dissapoint him.The thoughts of hurting himself had been getting more severe than ever before, he had held off on the urges. Frank had been clean for so long, he didnt want to ruin his streak.But the feeling was relieving.His hallucinations had been dreadful this week, he had began feeling the choking sensation from his past every time he swallowed anything, Any time he was in silence he heard the noise of his own screams, hed feel the splitting feeling jolt through him of being used.It was too much for him to handle.For whatever reason, franks mind believed it was his fault. The voices in his head would insist he hurt himself as punishment.As if frank hasnt been punished enough.Aniversaries were so hard for him, as they are for anyone with PTSD. its a constant reminder of the shit that has happened to him. That he still isnt better even though it happened so long ago.Frank couldnt handle the thoughts anymore, he had been curled in a ball in his bedroom for hours now, shaking, unable to breathe and sobbing. The thoughts demanding in his head were too much to bare, screaming like banshees in his ears.He needed some form of release.He made his way to the bathroom on shaky legs, not bothering to lock the door, he was home alone anyways. Alone.He began rummaging through every single drawer, every cupboard and cabinet in the room, before he found a pack of razors. He felt the familiar feeling of guilt as he held it in his hand. He shouldnt be doing this, but hes going to anyways.Sitting down on the bathroom floor now, he pulled at his joggers, getting them down enough to reach his thigh. The scars which already lay there were a reminder themselves of the past, and the fresher ones from the previous few days reminding him he hadnt gone far enough.Bringing the razor down to his thigh, the voices in his head were screaming at him. He dug in deep. Deep enough for the beautiful crimzon liquid to quickly drip down his thigh. The intense sting it left behind calmed the voices, for whatever reason. He never truly understood why they were so obsessed with his own suffering.He moved the blade and stared at the cut he had made. The sting made his ears ring, the colour filled his eyes and it felt like all he wanted to do was make more.Cutting down again, he pressed lighter this time, but drew the blade out for much, much longer. He felt the relief. He stopped for a moment, staring down at the bloody mess he had created on his thigh. He felt peace. He could visualise the pain now, the pain which washed through all of his senses.He soon continued, though, not being satisfied with his current state.Frank didnt hear the front door open. He was too infactuated with the sight infront of him."Frankie im home where are you?" He called from the bedroom, frank not hearing him. Ray searched for a while, before checking the bathroom.He didnt expect to see his boyfriend on the floor, driving a blade into his flesh. He stopped, unable to speak. Frank now realised his prescence, stopping in his tracks, unable to even look up to ray. He crouched down next to his boyfriend, trying desperatley to hold back his own tears.He stared down at the mess infront of him, unable to verbalise his thoughts."Give me the blade".Was all he could muster out, voice cracking as he tried to speak. Frank let go of it, looking down, he couldnt bare to look at the hurt and sadness on rays face. "Are you alright for me to touch you?" He asked, hardly audible. Frank simply nodded, before the tears began streaming again. Ray quickly grabbed a towel before putting pressure on his thigh, moving quickly to grab the first aid box he kept in the cabinet.Frank felt so disapointed in himself. Ray gently wiped away franks tears, pressing a gentle kiss into his forehead. "Im not mad at you, im not upset, none of that" he could see the sorry in franks face. "Im gonna bandage you up and disinfect that okay? It might hurt a bit" ray softly spoke, frank could only nod.He removed the towel and took his time cleaning each cut, frank wincing at each touch. Some were deeper than others, cleaning the older cuts which had scabbed over too. The whimpers and hisses of pain as he cleaned the wounds broke rays heart, he couldnt bare to hear it. This was rays worst nightmare.He slowly bandaged over the area, making sure it wasnt too tight. "Does that feel okay?" He softly asked, stroking over the bandage once more. Frank nodded, still looking down. "Im sorry" he croaked out."Its okay frankie, this isnt your fault" ray reassured. "You gonna tell me what happened?" He asked, sitting down infront of frank. He took a shaky breath before he attempted to speak. Nothing came out.His breathing was heavily laboured, he felt his head spinning as he tried to gather himself. "Frankie remember, breathe through your nose and out through your mouth, slowly" he prompted, frank still panicing. He felt sick, spinning from the pain and the lack of air in his lungs.He slowly calmed down after around 15 minutes, his breathing slowing down to a normal pace."It was the aniversary the other day" he spoke quietly. Ray immediatley knew what he meant. He knew how aniversaries reminded him, how they impacted him, he wished he could do something to help."Oh frankie" was all he could say, pulling him in for a tight hug. "Thats in the past now darling, he isnt gonna come back- he cant hurt you anymore" ray whispered with love. Frank paused for a minute. "Thats the issue" he sighed, pulling away from rays hug to sit against the wall again."What do you mean babe?""Its been so long- and it still affects me" frank explained. "Its been so, so long, hes in jail, he cant hurt me and he wont ever hurt me again, so why does it still affect me, every day?"Ray thought about what frank had said. "I wish it didnt honey, i really wish you didnt have to suffer like this" he sighed. "It breaks my heart seeing you so upset""Im sorry ray" he whispered."Frankie stop apologising" ray said more sternly now. "You have no reason to be sorry"Frank relaxed against his boyfriend, leaning against his body with more of his weight now. "Lets to get in bed and talk about your day" he spoke softly.Ray stood up, holding out his hands for frank to hoist himself up with, but once he was on his feet he felt the jolt of pain up his leg. He stood on one leg, holding onto rays arms. "It hurts babe?" He asked, holding frank up. He nodded. Ray effortlessly lifted frank up, carrying him to their bedroom.He carefully placed him in their bed, stroking onto his hand before moving to the wardrobe to find pjamas to change into. He began undressing as he talked. "Frankie you wont believe who the new guy was today" he sweetly spoke, taking his shirt off to expose his stomach. "Who was it babe?" Frank questioned back as he tried to make himself comfortable in the bed."Do you remember those brothers? From the gig we went to""No way""Yes way" ray smiled. "His name is mikey, he was the tall lanky one who was younger- his brother is called gerard""Thats so awesome, whats he like?" Frank questioned."Hes really funny, actually, has amazing music taste, he suggested we should all meet up for a coffee one time" ray smiled."Id love that"Ray slowly made his way back to their bed, clambering in with him. "I love you so much yeah?" He softly spoke, stroking franks cheek."I love you too, ray" he insisted back, pulling ray into a long kiss. "Do you need any painkillers or anything?" He asked after he had pulled away."Ill be okay, i promise" frank replied, kissing his nose gently. "We should probably eat something" he giggled."Just wanna cuddle you forever, fuck food, we can eat later" ray laughed back, pulling frank close to his chest.Itd all be okay after all
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
Frank and ray were on their way to the coffee shop they had agreed to meet the way brothers off. They were both super excited, but equally nervous. Frank struggled with meeting new people, he was always so worried theyd judge him or try and hurt him.Frank was walking with a hobble as they walked into the coffee shop, seeing gerard and mikey planted cross legged on a couch in the corner. He waved to them, before ray smiled in their direction. "Youre gonna be fine frankie" ray squeezed his hand, before making their way over to their table."Hey guys" ray smiled, sitting down across from the pair. "Hey its great to meet you officially, ray does not shut up about you" mikey smiled, gerard laughing too. This made ray profusley blush, frank stared at him. "You talk about me at work?" Frank smiled."Yeah of course i do" ray beamed back.They all got to talking, frank and gerard got along well. They all liked the same music, the same games, the same comics, they were getting along so well. They went on for around an hour and a half, hearing about gerards art and his singing, about mikeys bass and his games, before franks phone rang. "I gotta take this, be back in a bit" he spoke, before quickly excusing himself."Hello?" He heard a voice down the line. "Hello, this is frank, who am i speaking to?" He asked politely, standing on his good leg. "This is officer martin from the police department, is this a good time for you sir?" He asked with the same polite manor. His heart was now thumping in his chest."Yeah this is okay, what is this concerning?""It is by legal requirement i call and inform you that james iero will be on parole from the 29th of this month, and to update you on the terms of your restraining order." He spoke with little emotion in his voice.Franks heart stopped. "I thought he had 10 years" frank stuttered to the officer down the phone. "His sentence was shortened, the perimeters of his restraining order go as far as he will not be able to be at your home, place of work or any schooling or buisnesses you will be using, and he may not be within 50 meters at any given time." The officer blandly spoke.This couldnt be happening. "Thank you for letting me know" frank hardly got out before the phone cut off. He couldnt breathe. He wasnt safe, how could he be safe with his abuser out in the world, no real block between them. He slowly made his way back inside, in a state of panic so severe he couldnt think or feel anything. He went and stood by ray, he immediatley stood up along with mikey and gerard. "Whats wrong darling" ray asked with concern in his voice, mikey and gerard leading him to sit down now. "Hes getting out" was all frank could say, the two brothers deeply confused, along with ray. He sat and thought about what that could mean for a moment, before realising exactly who frank meant.Ray was filled with so much rage he couldnt bare it. He didnt even know what to say. Gerard carefully wrapped an arm over franks shoulders, he flinched at first but somehow his touch didnt feel like an intrusion, it felt comforting. Ray was now standing infront of him, unable to move or speak, phsyically shaking with anger. "Do you need me to call anyone or get you anything dude?" Mikey asked with kindness in his voice."Water- please" he just got out, mikey was quick to follow the instruction. Frank was now desperatley holding back tears. "What if he goes after someone else this time?""Thats not gonna happen frankie" ray softly spoke, crouching down infront of him."How do you know that""Im gonna make sure of it" ray said just below a whisper, taking franks hand and softly stroking it.He felt calmer with all of the love and support he was recieving in this moment. "Do you need us to go home?" Mikey asked as he placed the glass of water down on the coffee table next to frank. "You can stay if you want to, i trust you two" he spoke with a shaky voice. Gerard smiled at those words, stroking his hand against franks shoulder. "You two can come back to ours if youd like, he really needs a distraction right now" ray mouthed the last part, the two brothers nodded, before turning their attwntion back to frank. "How about we have a star wars marathon" gerard suggested, earning a small smile from frank. "Thatd be nice" he stuttered, smiling at gerard.They all made theur way back to their apartment, slowly walking as frank felt dizzy, ontop of that his leg hurt, and mikey struggled with his joints. They all tried to keep franks mind off of the situation unfolding."So how long have you two been together?" Mikey asked, he had his arm linked with his brothers who was helping to keep him steady. "just a few months" ray smiled, looking down to his boyfriend next to him. "Only a few months? God you two are so close i thought it had been more like a few years" gerard says with a laugh of surprise. "Weve been friends for a while but i just love him so much" ray smiled. Frank looked up to his boyfriend, eyes full of love. "Yeah its just natural" frank smiled. "Anyone special in either of your lives?" Ray asked, nudging gerard."Well theres this guy but he just wont seem to get the hint" he reluctantly said, mikey immediatley grinning. "Bert is so obsessed with you gee oh my god how cant you see it, make a move" mikey said with desperation, laughing at his brother turning bright red."Do you remember that gig we were at, the used?" Gerard asked the lovers, his tone almost embarassed."Yeah- oh wait- the singer is called bert" ray pieced it all together. "Oh my god you know him?""Yeah weve been friends for a while now-" gerard smiled."God thats so cool" Soon enough they reached their apartment, frank was still incredibly anxious, overthinking everything that could happen. The trio were however making it their personal mission to keep frank distracted. He went off to the bedroom to change into something more comfortable, and ray was going to take it as a moment to tell the brothers some ground rules."Guys i just need you to listen real quick, frank does not really like being touched, he trusts you two alot already, you guys just have that welcoming kind of love but please just be careful about grabbing him suddenly- hes going through alot right now and the best thing we gotta do is distract him, i cant thank you both enough" ray quietly said, showing the two through to the living room. "No worries man- im just glad we can be of any help, i know what its like to be in a situation and just have no support id never wish that on someone else" gerard said understsndingly, mikey nodding along. He began making tea, digging out all of his medication to discreetly give him later.Frank returned, drowned in one of rays hoodies and a pair of joggers, before settling on the couch next to mikey, who was leaning on his brother. "Star wars then?" Mikey suggested, smiling at frank as ray brought over their drinks. "Youre safe babe" ray whispered next to franks ear, taking his hand as he cuddled against him.They began watching the films, the brothers trying to ask frank all the best questions about the films to distract him.Halfway into the second film, mail was shoved through the letterbox, causing frank to sit up. He went to go and grab it, once he picked it up and saw the polive departments address and sending information."Its the official restraining order" frank said, the three of them staring out of curiosity. "Do you wanna talk about it or do you want to carry on watching?" Gerard asked after a long silence. Frank thought about it."Its the restraining order against my abuser, hes getting out of prizon tomorrow" frank said slowly. Their eyes immediatley fell sad, shocked at the response. "Im so sorry dude" mikey spoke, the tone in his voice understanding."He was supposed to have a 10 year sentence but theyve cut it" he added, opening the letter, beginning to read the contents."Thats bullshit" gerard said, full of anger now. "How is it fair someone can just get away with that shit"Frank thought about what gerard said. About his passion as he spoke. It made him feel so cared for. "Its not fair" ray added, patting the sofa next to him. He came and sat, laying against rays side.The group comforted frank as he read through the restraining order, once he reached the end, ray pulled frank close for a hug."Weve got you frankie"
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It was the next day, the brothers had gone home and now it was just frank and ray. He was still in shock about his abusers release.He had been layed against rays chest for about an hour now, ray playing with his hair. He was trying to stay as relaxed as possible."Im gonna make us some coffee babe" he smiled, shuffling away from his warmth as he tried to get up, slowly making his way off to the kitchen.He passed their front door, noticing an envelope on their door mat. He wasnt expecting mail. He picked it up, noticing franks name written in cursive along the front. He decided to retreat to their room again, handing the envelope to his boyfriend."Frankie theres mail for you" he said confused, frank taking the envelope and sitting up. "Weird" he smiled, opening it up.Inside was a hand written note, folded up small enough to fit inside the small envelope. His face dropped as he pulled the letter out. Photos dropped onto his lap, falling from inside the folded letter, he nearly threw up when he saw what they were.He picked them up, staring down at the various photos of himself, unconsious and covered in cum and blood. He felt like he was going to be sick. "What is it frankie?" Ray asked casually from the wardrobe, face buried in the mess of clothes.He didnt reply, staring down at the photos infront of him.One of his dick in his ass.One of him all plugged up, leaking cum and tied down by the wrists.One of him being wanked off.One of his hand around his throat.One of blood leaking out of his hole.He felt so physically sick, he took the photos and basically ran to the bathroom, locking the door behind him."Frankie?" Ray called, following after him, now standing on the other side of the door. He had no response, but was soon met with the sounds of throwing up from inside the bathroom."Frankie open the door" ray called, frank on his knees inside the bathroom, head hung above the toilet. He couldnt bare the photos, but at the same time, he couldnt look away. Once he had finished throwing up, he sat up, looking at more of the photos.One of him being spanked.One of him face fucking him.One of him strapped to a vibrator.One of the same vibrator being forced up his ass while he was being jerked off.One of his hands around his throat while stuffed with a dildo.He felt disgusted, so unsafe. "Frank open the door i swear to you" was all he could hear being called from the other side. He couldnt face anyone right now. He felt physically disgusting.He opened the note left with the pictures, seemingly blank from first glance.It simply read, 'he's next.'Ray was now trying to unscrew the door knob, desperate to get inside to help frank. He couldnt hear anything other than sobs and shaky breathing. Frank couldnt bare the thought of him hurting his boyfriend. He couldnt physically take it.Soon ray got the door open, instantly crouching infront of frank who was curled in a ball, sobbing. "Ray- hes gonna hurt you too" he sobbed, hyperventilating as he choked out his words. Ray was so confused, before he lifted up the pile of photos, which were soon snatched out of his hands."Dont look at them" he cried, hiding them behind his back. Ray was so broken looking at the sight of his boyfriend in such despair. "Slow breathing darling" he whispered, taking franks hands and stroking gently. "We are safe, its just you and me. The front door is locked, we are in our apartment together, ive got you" he calmly reminded, trying an attempt at bringing him down to reality. Frank tried to steady his breathing, taking rugged inhales."Can you tell me what those pictures are darling, i dont have to look, i just need to know" he softly asked, voice still like butter regardless of his own panic.Frank took a moment before he was able to answer. "Its fucking disgusting" he sobbed shakily, hardly able to breathe."Take your time honey- but please tell me so we can figure out how to calm down yeah?" He prompted, not knowing why he was in such a state. Frank couldnt bare the thought of those pictures. It was flooding back to him again.The feeling of hands around his neck drowned him, the dull ache of the relentless pounding returning alongside of it. "Ray i cant do this" frank sobbed, his whole body shaking. He was full of despair.Ray felt tears roll down his face, taking franks hands as he cried. "Yes you can frankie, were going to get through all of this" ray spoke with so much care, he didnt know what to do. "Breathing honey" ray prompted, holding franks hands gently. He tried his best, tears still cascading down his reddened face."Ive got you babe" he whispered, holding ray as he shook.It took 2 hours before frank calmed down enough to get words out. "Frankie im gonna ask you what the photos are, you dont have to tell me but if it has upset you this much it might be worth talking about it" ray soothed, holding frank close in his arms.Frank took a breath, closing his eyes tight. "They are photos that he took while i was unconsious" he said below a whisper, a sniffle following. He felt so weak right now.Ray felt so much rage flow through him, another tear rolling down his face. "Im gonna kill him" ray spoke, voice cracking out of anger."The note said 'hes next' i know that means you" frank cried, curling against his boyfriends warm chest. "Im not forcing you into this. Its your choice, would you like to go to the police about this?" He asked.Frank couldnt have shook his head faster. "No- i dont want anyone to see those photos" he fearfully said, sitting up so he could look at ray. "Thats okay we dont have to- whats the best thing for me to do for you right now?""I dont know- i just feel so disgusting" he spoke, wiping his tears before realising ray had been crying too."Babe why are you crying" frank sniffled, sitting to straddle his waist while wiping his cheeks. "Because i wish you didnt feel like this, and i love you" rays face changed to a sad smile.Interupting, rays phone rang as he was about to speak. He picked it up, it was mikey."Hey ray can you come in theres a massive rush- theyll pay you double" mikey said frantically, before ray looked down at frank. "Ive got a bit of a situation here i dont think i can, sorry dude" ray spoke, hiding the pain in his voice. "Oh is everything alright?" He asked with worry.He looked into franks eyes, he nodded back signaling ray can tell him whats going on. "Yeah frank is just not having a great time today, i want to stay with him, its been alot" he spoke."Oh god im sorry, i hope hes okay- if he wants to get out the house we can take care of him here? Gerard is sitting over in the corner drawing if he wants a change of scenery?" Mikey prompted, desperate for the extra help. Frank nodded, wiping the last few tears off of his cheeks. "Yeah he thinks thats okay, ill be in as soon as possible" ray told mikey, before they exchanged thanks and goodbye."You sure you wanna go out? We can take care of you, all the coffee you want" ray stroked franks hair. "Yeah i think i need to clear my head" he smiled sadly, trying to get up off of the floor."Well take care of you"
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Frank had started on a descent to madness. He spent his nights staring into space, unable to think of anything other than the various scenarios of his boyfriend being attacked by his uncle.Ray had been working even more and frank had spent more time hurting himself behind his back, he didnt know how else to cope wnd he was too ashamed to tell him.It had became too much for frank to deal with, the thoughts of his uncle attacking him or ray at any point made it nearly impossible for him to sleep or get anything done, and ray was catching on, but frank refused to talk about it. Ray was at work, it was a quiet day in the cafe, as all tuesdays tended to be, and mikey sat there talking to him through the quiet shift. "You think that you wanna marry frank?" Mikey had been teasing ray about him for hours now, poking comments and jokes.Ray smiled. "If he wanted to- i know its only been around 5 months now but- i mean i love him so much". This made mikey smile even more. "What do you recon your wedding would be like" he pryed, pouring another coffee for himself. Ray thought for a while, before turning to face mikey. "I dont care where it is or what it looks like""You are actually such a romantic" mikey laughed, teasingly knocking rays shoulder. He made a sound of disagreement before he turned around to get another latte, but was interupted by a crashing at the door, ray turned to see what was happening.As he turned around, he saw mikey rushing over to franks side. He instantly followed, realising frank was sobbing. It hurt to hear the noises that echoed out of him. "Frankie whats wrong?" He tried, crouching down to hold his boyfriend. Mikey closed the door and flipped the sign to say closed.As frank moved to curl his arm againsy his chest, his sleeve rolled up. Ray soon realised frank was bleeding, his arm cut in 4 places, the wounds sticky and gaping against his hoodie, covered by a poorly attempted bandage.Rays heart stopped, he felt sick as he looked down to his panicing boyfriend as continued to bleed out slowly. Ray looked up at mikey who was crouching next to them, not knowing what to do. "Have you got a car?" Ray shakily asked. Mikey hadnt seen franks arm yet and he planned to keep it that way for as long as possible."No- gee does i could call him? Frankie can gee come" he asked, moving his attention to frank. He didnt reply, just leaning further into rays chest, grabbing his hand. "Frankie im going to get you help okay? Mikeys gonna call gee and were gonna get you sorted- can you try and nod if you feel okay with that?" He insisted, stroking franks quivering hand. He nodded against his chest and as soon as he did, ray shot mikey a knowing look, he took his phone out of his pocket and dialled gee.Franks mind was going a million miles a minute. He hardly knew where he was, all he knew was that he was in rays arms, which soothed him slightly."Frankie do you want medical help or am i telling mikey" Ray spoke quietly into his ear as he sat curled in his lap, frank shook his head. "No hospital" was all that escaped his mouth, pushing closer to rays chest."Mikes do you know if we have a first aid kit" rays voice broke as he asked, mikey immediatley nodded before putting gee on speaker. "Whats going on ray?" He asked through a crackled speaker."Something happened with frank and we might need a hospital-" ray began, frank inteupting. "No hospital" he almost demanded, voice more serious. "I know basic first aid and that if you need help- whats happened if you dont mind me asking? Im on my way now" his voice muffled.Mikey came back in with a first aid kit and crouched back down next to frank. "Come over to the couch over here-" mikey spoke, putting a hand on franks shoulder before getting jolted away, frank flinching at the sudden new touch. "Fuck im sorry-" mikey immediatley apologised, feeling awful."Frankie can you come over here to the sofa so we can try and talk about whats happened?" He softly cooed, frank nodded and tried to stand with ray, holding his hands as they slowly walked to the sofa, mikey walking alongside him before he saw the blood stained hoodie and thr bandages which poked from the edge of his sleeve. He didnt say anything but he felt his heart ache at the sight. He shot another knowing look at ray, before they managed to get frank to sit down on the sofa. "Do you want some of my xanax frank? Itll help you feel calm" mikey questioned, sitting next to him while ray crouched infront of him. He nodded at mikey, turning to face ray again now."He left another letter" was all frank stuttered out, avoiding all eye contact. He didnt know what to say or do, he felt a lump form in his throat."Do you want to talk about what was in it or is that too much right now babe" he asked, stroking franks hands, trying not to show his anger.He shook his head, mikey calling over to say gee was nearly there, which frank was grateful for. "Im sorry i really dont want this stuff to land on you guys" frank stuttered out, cheeks flooded with tears. Mikey crouched next to ray, eyes sad. "Theres no reason to apologise frank, were here to help when you need it" mikey kindly replied, ray nodding along."Frankie all in your own time can i please have a look at your arm? Gotta get that sorted soon babe" he questioned. The stains developing onto his hoodie were getting worse. "I tried to clean it and i tried to bandage it, it just didnt work" frank spluttered inbetween small sniffles. Mikey turned around to open the door to gee, warning him of the situation he was about to walk in on.Back in the corner where ray sat with frank, he was finally coaxing him to roll his sleeve up. As he did, ray began gently unraveling the bandages, trying to ignore the hisses and pained noises frank was making. Gee and mikey made their way over, gerard sitting next to frank and mikey crouching next to ray. "Im gonna ask some stuff while ray is sorting this out okay?" Gee calmly asked, slowly indicating to his hand to ask wether he can touch frank. He nodded, trying to keep his breathing steady, looking away from the mess he had created on himself.Gee wrapped his hand around franks spare one, stroking gently as he tried to keep himself composed. "Are you feeling dizzy at the moment?"Frank nodded, looking down into his lap. "Were gonna lay you down okay frank?" Gerard insisted, looking up at mikey and ray who were preparing sterile wipes and butterfly stitches. He nodded, ray helping frank to shuffle and lay down on the sofa, placing pillows under his neck. "Can i ask how long ago this happened?" Gerards voice was so soothing, frank was trying to focus on the fact he was safe with people he could trust. "Like an hour ago- i dont really remember" he choked between stutters, trying to take breaths slowly."Darling, mikey and i are going to try and clean you up, tell us if it hurts too badly or if you are uncomfortable alright?" He gently told, taking his hand and kissing it. Frank nodded, tears still streaming down his face. Gerard gently wiped the tears away with a tissue, stroking his shoulder. The first dab at franks arm stung so badly he immediatley pulled it away, rays eyes widened as he did. He grabbed it and let out more tears, ray shuffled to sit next to franks face now. "Mikey can you look and see if there is any lidocaine cream in there?" Ray asked, while he carressed franks hair. "Breathe darling weve got you, hes not here and he is not gonna come here, were gonna get you painkillers and its gonna be alright" ray tried to hide rhe pain from his voice but it still slipped out."He did come here" frank muttered, pulling the envelope out of his pocket and opening it up, the envelope was blood stained. He pulled out a thick pile of photos and a note, passing them both to ray.He looked at the photos, his heart stopping as he realised what he was looking at. The pile consisted of photos of ray working, from various angles. The images were low quality, but each featured the date and what time it was when he took them. A feeling of nausea washed over him, he knew why frank was so upset. He passed the pictures to mikey while he opened the note, which simply read: 'got my eye on you, pretty boy'Gerard and mikey were shocked by the images, ray felt ill. "He isnt here right now" mikey insisted, before getting up to lock the door. "He isnt going to hurt us love" ray shakily whispered next to franks ear, pressing a kiss into his cheek. "There were more of the other kind of photos but i threw them out" he spoke below a whisper, rays heart sunk. Gee and mikey were growing more and more confused, but equally as upset and hurt for frank. The whole atmosphere was crashing into deepee sadness, frank was visibly getting more dizzy.Ray moved to sit near franks head, stroking his hair now, he knew how much he loved that. Meanwhile mikey and gee moved back to his arm which was splayed on the side of the coffee table, rummaging through the first aid box to find any kind of strong pain relief.Eventually he found a small glass bottle and a needle syringe, all wrapped in sterile plastic. "Frankie how are you with needles?" Mikey asked as he took the packaging out of the first aid box, placing it all still in its plastic wrap quietly on the table. "I hate them" franks voice was nervous and shaky again, sitting up slightly. "There is lidocaine in here but its not cream, id have to inject it, i promise it wont hurt alot" he asked, ray stroking franks head still, trying desperatley to soothe him. "Just do it". Hours passed and frank was now asleep while gerard and mikey finished bandaging his arm, ray stroking his head as gently as possible. "Thank you guys for helping" ray said with sadness, turning to face gee and mkey who were both now full of sadness themselves. They sadly smiled. "Dont thank us" gee softly spoke, leaning over to hug ray softly. His tension relaxed as he leant his body against gees, smiling as he pulled away. "Frankie apreciates it, so much- he really trusts you guys" ray half whispered, causing gee and mikey to smile."Im glad, he deserves the world".
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
Weeks had passed since franks relapse, there had only been one new letter since, aswell. Ray had taken the day off of work to spend time with frankie, they were cuddling in bed. Frank really couldnt get enough of ray, and ray couldnt get enough of frank. They had been cuddling all day, simply kissing and talking, playing with eachothers hair.Frank however had different ideas, well, his cock did. He had felt himself get slightly hard over the last half an hour, he wanted something done about it.Frank slowly straddled rays thigh, laying his bodyweight over his, resting his head onto his soft chest. He slowly grinded his hips down once, stifling a moan at the pleasure. Ray smirked down at frank, moving his hand up to play with his hair, relaxing frank. He leant down so that his mouth was next to franks ear, pressing his lips gently into his temple. "Get yourself off for me" he whispered, frank could feel the smirk against his skin.Ray captured franks lips in a kiss as he began grinding again, manouvering his hips in controlled movements against rays clothed thigh. The feeling was euphoric, grinding down harder each time. Ray continued kissing frank, his hands weaved through his hair and gently tugging every now and then, which spurred frank on further. Ray loved the feeling of his boyfriends hard on grinding against his thigh, he didnt want to touch him anywhere else, though, he didnt want to upset frank when he felt so good.Reluctantly he pulled away from the kiss, moving to kiss the side of franks cheek, moving back to his ear. "Youre such a good boy" ray whispered, evoking a whimper from the other and a faster pace from his hips. "Whats your colour babe" he asked, frank whining again. "Green- fuck" he whined. He grinded down faster and faster, feeling himself come to the edge. "Fuck im close" frank whimpered, hips rutting faster and faster, before the final words which would make him tip over the edge left rays mouth."Do it, cum for me angel" ray spoke into franks ear, pressing a kiss into his neck as his body began to convulse and shake at the waves of pleasure crashing through him."Fuck ray" he groaned as his head rolled back, rutting his way through his orgasm, ray held him through it. He could feel his own cock growing hard now, the sight of his boyfriend whimpering and moaning as he grinded down for the last time was getting to him.As frank came down from his high, ray held him close and stroked the nape of his neck. "You did so good babe- that feel good?" Ray smiled. Frank quickly nodded, smiling up at his boyfriend. His head felt light and as if it wa spinning. "I love you" he grinned, breathily speaking. "I love you too- do you need anything darling?" Ray softly asked, hiding his arousal. "Im okay- im okay fuck that was so good- thank you" he slowly spoke, head spinning still. He felt incredible.Frank noticed how hard ray was now, slowly leaning his hand against his cock through the blanket. "Your turn" he grinned, ray grinded back up into his hand. "Can i get my toy?" Ray gently asked, frank nodded curiously. He pressed a long kiss into franks forehead before he scrambled for the drawer, eventually pulling out a silk bag. He sat infront of frank, pulling his joggers down slowly before discarding them onto the floor. Frank was equally curious and turned on at the idea of ray getting himself off, especially with a toy. His eyes were full of lust, but it was loving. There was no malicious intent behind the look on his face, frank wished he could see it more often.Ray slowly pulled the toy out of the soft black bag, placing it on the bed next to him. Frank had never seen a toy like that before, he didnt know what it did or how it worked. Ray got a bottle of lube out of the small bag too, placing it next to the toy. He slowly graced a hand over his dick, gently squeezing the head and letting out a small moan as he did. Frank couldnt help but admire rays cock, his body exposed to him, it was beautiful. He however couldnt stop thinking about the toy, and what it does. Frank felt himself growing hard again, so he decided to take his cum filled underwear off and throw them to the laundry basket, now fully exposed. Ray smiled at frank, before opening the lube and squeezing a generous amount onto his fingers, bringing one to his hole.He smeared the cold, clear substance against himself, slowly dipping the tip of a finger into his hole, stretching himself open slightly. Frank was in awe of the sight, but also fascinated by rays gentle actions. He slowly worked a finger into his ass fully, crooking it once before he hit his prostate head on, making him yelp out in pleasure. His head rolled back slightly and he whimpered as he needily grinded down on his own finger. "It feels that good?" Frank questioned, fascinated at the realm of pleasure his boyfriend had achieved from one finger. He shyly smiled. "Yeah, it feels incredible" he replied, crooking it against his prostate again, letting out another moan of pleasure. Franks cock twitched at the noise, watching rays actions closely. "What does the toy do?" He asked timidly, embarassed he didnt know what it was used for. The toy was a medium sized pink silicone vibrator that worked as a butt plug, but it featured a silicone cock ring attatched to the end, which fitted around rays balls. "Ill show you baby" he smiled, working a second finger into his ass, stretching himself out slowly. Franks hand had now made its way around his own cock, sloppily stroking up and down himself. Ray picked the toy up, lubing the plug section with the remaining lube on his hand. "This bit vibrates" ray smiled, before working the tip of the toy into his ass. As he slowly pushed it deeper, he felt franks eyes locked on him, he watched in awe. Once the toy was fully in, ray was resisting the urge to turn it onto full vibration immediatley and let himself cum, but he wanted to put on a show for frankie. "And this bit- goes like this" he breathily spoke, laboured breathing breaking his words. He slowly manouvered the silicone ring around his cock, moving it slowly past his balls and fiddling it into place, before wanking his cock a few more times. He was whimpering gently under his breath as the cock ring gently squeezed his balls tight, the light pressure at the base was perfect. "You look so fucking hot like this" frank whispered, leaning over to kiss rays neck a few times, before kissing his chest and sitting back where he was, watching ray again.Ray was now splayed out on the bed, he looked beautiful, all frank needed in that moment was to watch him cum, he wanted to see the faces ray made, hear the noises, feel how he immediatley relaxes as the pleasure takes over. He slowly turned the vibrator on, immediatley stimulating his prostate more than he needed, his legs jolted and he let out a long drawn out whine. His hand made its way around his cock, jacking off faster and faster, until he found a rhythm that worked. "F-frankie- that remote- want you to control it" he spoke inbetween various whimpers, frank grinned. He slowly picked up the remote, examining its buttons before he stopped for a second. "Tell me your word if it gets too much, i dont know what your limit is babe" he whispered next to his ear now, nibbling the lobe and kissing on his neck."I promsie ill tell you" he breathily replied, before frank pulled away from his neck and locked his lips into a kiss, pressing the button to increase the vibrations. Ray moaned into his mouth, he felt his cock growing so much harder. "Fuck-" he whimpered against his lips, head rolling back and falling away. Frank grinned, watching his head roll back again. "That feel good honey?" Frank spoke, finger hovering over the button. He adored the power he had over his boyfriend, the thought he was in control of his pleasure and how much he could have. "Y-yeah"He pressed the button again, spurring an even bigger string of whimpers and moans. "More- frankie please more- im close" ray stuttered, hips bucking. Frank decided he would use his power to his advantage. "Beg for it" he grinned, his power felt so incredible. He grasped his own cock again, wanking faster and faster as he teased ray. "Fuck please frankie- fucking please i need it" he whimpered, grinding down into the bed to get as much stimulation as he could. Frank grinned, his own hips bucking at the begging, pressing the button up two notches this time, ray was nearly screaming in pleasure. "Colour ray" frankie stuttered through his own pleasure, earning a loud moan from ray. "Green- fucking green- oh my god im gonna cum" he was bucking his hips as frank wanked himself faster, reaching his second high. "Cum with me darling" frank whimpered, kissing his neck once before locking eyes with ray, his hips bucking one more time before his cock spurted cum, in sync with frank who was shaking at the pleasure of his second orgasm. They whimpered and moaned together, shaking at the waves of pleasure crashing through them.Eventually, frank colapsed against ray, laying his head on his chest. Ray had gone completelt limp, laboured breathing as he came down.Frank sat up eventually, stroking his boyfriends hair as he soothed ray. "Let me take care of you babe" he gently told, stroking his inner thigh. "You did so well" he praised.Ray couldnt speak, he was in a new realm of peace. "Can i clean you up?" Frank softly asked, kissing ray once more. He couldnt speak, but he nodded gratefully. Frank gently removed the ring from around the base of his cock, leaning over to grab tissues from the nightstand and gently wiping his tip and stomach clean from the cum. He had never done this before but he knew he needed to make ray feel loved. He slowly pulled the vibe out of his boyfriends ass, placing it on some tissues ready to be washed. He wiped rays lubed hole, softly cleaning anywhere which was covered in lube or cum. He grabbed tissues and wuickly wiped himself down, but he could feel himself going into an incredibly overprotective headspace, while ray was in a submissive, pliant place of mind. Frank moved to sit next to rays head, stroking his temple. "Do you need water or anything honey?"Ray shook his head, sloppily pulling frank into a hug. "Im so proud of you" he slowly spoke, smiling up at his boyfriend. Frank smiled, holding rays hand. "You looked so sexy like that" frankie smiled, leaning his head on rays. "I wish i could watch you do that every day" he grinned, kissing frank."One day can i try that toy?" He shyly asked, voice almost unsure. Rays smile grew more. "I have all sorts that you can try babe, take it at your own pace- i can show you some if you want?" Ray asked, the conversation getting more serious. "Yeah" he replied, smiling at his boyfriend again. "I love you".
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
Ray took a hefty box out of the bottom of the cupboard, placing it on the bed. "Quite a stock you have here babe" frank laughed, teasing his partner lovingly. Ray blushed. "What i like to experiment" he half laughed back, smiling."Whats your favourite?" Frank asked as ray opened the lid, he grinned. "Frankie before i show you all of this i am gonna say alot of the stuff in here is quite kinky and alot of it is used in BDSM, i dont want to scare you with anything- you dont ever have to go near any of this if you dont want to and just because i like it doesnt mean i need you to" he spoke, voice full of care. He needed frank to know that he didnt expect anything specific of him. Frank smiled. "You are so sweet to me" he smiled, kissing ray. "I just care about you" he smiled back. "If i get uncomfortable ill tell you, i promise"Ray lifted a bag out of the box, opening the drawstrings and pulling out a set of anal beads, 8 beads in length and increasing in size. Frank had never seen them before, his face morphed into a puzzled one. "What does it- do" he awkwardly asked, feeling himself going red. Ray immediatley took franks hand, knowing frank felt embarassed. "Dont be embarassed frankie- seriously im not gonna laugh if you dont know what this stuff does- you use it as a plug in your ass, the different beads stretch you out more each time and when you pull them out they stretch you back out- it feels great but its quite alot of stimulation" he explained, fiddling with the toy in his hand."That makes sense" frank smiled again, he was beginning to imagine the scenarios of ray playing with the toy, he had to hold himself back from getting hard."I know toys might not be easy for you to get used to but you can try what you want when you want, with or without me- i want you to feel comfortable doing what you want at your own pace" ray insisted again, frank felt so safe with him. Ray pulled another toy out of the box, this time a simple dildo, around 7 inches and made of a purple seethrough silicone. The balls on the base were large, dawned over a suction cup at the very base. "This one is great" he added, placing it next to him. Frank picked it up, looking at it closer and wrapping his hand around it to get a feel of its size. He didnt know how having something so big inside of you could feel good.He dug out a small silver butt plug, the small red gem on the end slightly reflecting the dim light. He passrd it to frank, looking at it closer. It was smaller in width than the dildo, it looked less scary, but it reminded him of the time he had awoke, plugged up to hold the cum inside of him. He put it down, closing his eyes for a second to compose himself. He reminded himself where he was, and that they were in a safe environment together. "What in here do you think i should try- i mean- whats the least overwhelming" frank asked timidly, looking down into the box. Ray thought for a second. "I dont know what you are comfortable with- but- i think either that plug or one of the smaller dildos- or maybe the vibrating cock ring? Id stay away from anything big, anything that vibrates and penetrates at the same time- and anything using predicament play or bondage" ray spoke, rummaging through to find the smallest dildo, a 5 inch long realistic dildo, not overly large in girth. He also placed a small silicone cock ring down, with a remote control too. "You can wear cock rings and plugs for a long period of time, like if you wanted to leave it on all day you could" he explained, picking up the ring. "When you put this on, take your time with it because if you rush or force yourself through it might hurt a bit"Frank was so grateful he had someone there to help guide him through all of this stuff, he felt so lost and like he didnt know anything. "You can ask me literally anything and i wont judge you or anything- i promise" he reminded, seeing franks eyes trail down into the box."I just have so much i want to do but not enough courage to do it all- one of my worst fears is having an episode while you arent here- i dont want last time to be repeated" he mumbled, looking down at the healing wounds on his arm as he spoke. Ray thought deeply about what frank had to say, frowning at his comment. "Would you feel more comfortable doing this stuff with me or with me in the apartment? I dont want anything happening to you either and i want you to be safe" he asked, taking franks hand and stroking his wrist just below where the cuts begin. "I think i would, yeah" franks voice was soft and quiet, but it filled the otherwise silent room. "Ray?" Frank asked, looking down at his wrist still. 'Yeah babe?" He replied, stroking softer now. "Im scared hes gonna come back and find us" he spoke, stating into the wounds like they had a solution. "You have every right to be scared that is gonna happen frankie but im here to protect you and i promise it wont happen" he insisted lovingly, frank looked up again as he spoke. He felt himself relax more at rays words, bringing him in for a long hug. "Im so glad i have you" he smiled, pulling away again. Ray didnt know what to say in return, so he just simply hugged frank longer and placed gentle kisses on his cheek and neck.Eventually they pulled apart, frank reaching into the box again. He pulled out a long reel of rope, ray tensed up. "You dont have to go anywhere near that if you dont want to remember love?" He reminded, knowing the history frank had with being tied up. Frank sat silently for a while, thinking of how to word what he wanted to ask. "What is it for you that makes this enjoyable?" He asked genuinley, in a non criticising way. He just wanted to know why so he could understand. Ray thought to himself for a moment. "I guess i like the idea of someone else in control, i just go into this headspace where i dont have to worry about anything other than submitting to someone? I enjoy being dominant too but theres just something else about me being able to be so vunerable with someone" he explained slowly, processing his own thoughts as they came out of his mouth. It took frank a while to gain the courage to speak his mind, sitting back slightly. "Im okay with you being tied up, definitley- i know how important those kind of headspaces are and i wanna be there to give you that- plus your begging is super hot" he laughed by the end, stroking rays cheek as he spoke. "I liked being in control of the toy earlier- i loved seeing how relaxed and needy you got at the same time-" he added, a shit eating grin on his face now."Can i ask you something that you dont have to know the answer to or want, i just wanna understand you better" ray asked, frank nodded lovingly back. "What is it babe?" He asked, slowly putting the rope back down in its box."Would you ever be okay with me giving you head?" He asked in the softest tone, there was no judgement in his voice. Frank went silent for a moment, thinking to himself about the situation, how it would feel to have his cock stuffed down rays throat, and fuck. His cock twitched at the thought. "Yeah- fuck- id be okay with that" frank replied almost breathily. Ray smirked. "You think that sounds nice babe?" He almost teased, smirk shifting to a smile as frank began to flush. "I think it sounds fucking amazing" he replied, smiling too."Tomorrow darling, i dont want to overwhelm you today"
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
Tomorrow came around slowly, frank was waiting patiently for ray to return from work. He had sat on the bed all day browsing through job openings and various concerts, but all he could really think about is the empty space next to him.Soon enough ray returned home, frank almost ran out of the room to greet him before realising there was a small sound of sniffles. He made his way quickly to the front door, standing infront of ray who was in tears. Franks stomach dropped, immediatley bringing him in for a hug. "Oh babe" he quietly soothed, stroking rays hair softly as he held him. The sobs were getting louder and louder over time, he was relaxing into frank."Babe do you wanna talk about what happened?" He softly asked, ray nodded and pulled away slightly. "There was a customer today who was being really homophobic and just bodyshaming people infront of her kids and when i tried to kick her out she went off on me and im just not in the headspace to deal with that right now" he cried, sobs breaking through as he spoke.Frank felt himself getting angry at the thought of someone being so rude to ray, he didnt know what to do. "What did she say babe?" He asked, softly taking rays hand and taking him to the kitchen. He hopped onto the counter and sat as frank began making him a cup of coffee. "She just went on about how disgusting i am and that i was just a fat piece of shit barista with no real purpose in life" ray mumbled, looking down into his lap."Shes right" he scolded himself, frank immediatley chucked the spoon down and turned to stand inbetween rays legs. He cupped his face gently, before his heart sunk. "Ray you are so far from that, you are fucking perfect" he frowned, wiping his tears with his thumb."I dont feel it" he mumbled again, looking down."Im gonna show you how perfect you are" frank whispered, taking rays hand and leading him to the bedroom almost immediatley. Ray clumsily followed, tripping over his own feet as he walked.Eventually they were in the room, frank turned and pinned him against the bedroom door before pulling him into the deepest, most loving kiss he could. He wove his fingers through rays dishevled hair, tugging lightly as he deepend the kiss further. Ray was slowly melting into his touch, small whimpers were vibrating against franks lips, he stood with one of his legs pressing inbetween rays, he could feel the hardness growing, he knew he wanted to take his time with ray, slowly show him how much he is loved.Eventually ray move them to the bed, frank straddling ray now as he melded into the soft pillows. He didnt kiss his lips this time, instead he moved to mark his neck, kissing red marks into the soft, warm skin. Ray whimpered at the feeling, the noises spurring frank on more. "Colour?" He quickly asked, pulling away from his neck ever so slightly. "Green babe" he breathily spoke, before frank grinned and began working into his neck again.He kissed for what only felt like a minute or so to ray and frank, but in reality he spent 15 minutes working into his neck. Frank moved down slightly, working onto the only part of his chest that was exposed, before hooking a finger over the collar of rays shirt. "Can i take this off honey" he gently asked, ray nodded back, he looked so dishevled already, hair a mess from franks pulling and red, blotchy marks that were formed around where he had kissed. He slolwy lifted off of the bed, enough so that frank could pull his shirt off over his head, and then he mirrored the same.Frank admired the sight underneath him, the soft skin and the small trail of hair that traveled down his stomach, the sadness in his eyes which he was determined to fix. He straddled his thighs now, getting better access to kiss down his stomach instead, working the loving marks into his chest aswell. Ray was relaxing under frank, he was beginning to feel better already. Frank leant down, mouth next to rays ear, before he whispered "tell me what you want, babe"Ray whimpered at the seductive tone in his voice. "I dont care- just- need you" he breathily replied, eyes squeezing shut as franks hand trailed down to cup his thigh. Frank had a thought. "Can i finger you?" He asked gently, before his cock twitched. "Fuck- yeah-" he whined, frank grinned. Frank felt nervous, but in a good way. He wanted yo make ray feel as good as he could, but he didnt have alot of experience in this area. He felt relaxed, the thoughts of his uncle at bay for now.He helped ray get his pants down, kissing down his stomach, onto his thighs. "Colour?" Frank asked, making his way down towards rays inner thigh. "Fu-fucking green" he whined again, moving his hands down to stroke franks hair. Frank quickly went to the drawer to find lube, he couldnt find any. "Ray wheres the lube? Sorry" he asked gently, rummaging more."Shit i think were out" he groaned, throwing his head back. Frank had other plans, however. He moved back over to where
Ray layed on the bed, straddling his hips again as he began to suck his fingers infront of ray. He immediatley whimpered at the sight, the way franks lips curled around his fingers was breath taking."You gotta promise me youll tell me if this hurts at all, or if you get uncomfortable" he insisted, kissing gently into the skin just to the left of rays tight hole. "I- i promise-" he stammered, small moans nearly escaping as he felt franks tounge lick a stripe from.his thigh to his hole.He slowly began working a slick finger into his tight hole, ray relaxing down onto franks finger. Frank had never done this before, he felt how tight and warm it felt. He admired the faces ray made, adoring the small whimpers he made. Frank slowly worked the finger in, stretching his hole out further. Frank crooked his finger slightly, the noise that erupted from ray was unlike no other he had heard before.The whine was louder and more desperate than anything he had ever heard, his cock twitched at the noise. "Frankie- right there- oh my god" he almost cried, grinding back down onto his finger to get more stimulation. Frank whimpered at the noise, hand flying to his own cock to grind against his hand. "Fuck" he whimpered himself, grinding up into his hand."Frankie- more" he whined, bucking his hips down again hoping for more contact. "Gotta take my time with you babe" he whispered, pressing kisses into the very innermost part of rays thighs. Nipping the skin gently, he was leaving the dark red marks inside his thighs now, too. "You know why i think your perfect ray?" He quietly spoke, stroking a finger across his thigh before crooking the finger that rested inside his loosening hole."You are so beautiful inside and out- you make everyone around you feel so loved and welcome- and you look fucking delicious while you do it" frank spoke against rays thigh, causint his cock to twitch. "Fuck babe where did you learn to talk like that" he stammered, stroking franks hair again, this time locking his hand into his messy bedhead, which sent a wave of discomfort through frank. "Yellow-" he spoke, ray immediatley let go and sat up slightly, franks finger still inside of him. Frank felt embarrased and was upset with himself."I grabbed your hair im sorry" ray immediatley apologised, frank smiled. "Its okay baby, relax and lay down, please dont grab my hair- you can play with it all you want, though" he gently spoke, kissing his thigh again, directly on one of his worst scars."Im gonna take my time with you honey, wanna show you how loved you are" he said again, stroking his hand up rays thigh before working a second inside of his stretched hole. His fingers were stretching him out nicely, but it felt incredible, simply because it was frank. Ray felt an odd mix of pleasure and pride wash through him, so proud of franks improvements and progress.Ray whimpered and whined more and more as frank crooked his finger against his prostate, feeling his own dick becoming incredibly hard now. He felt so comfortable with ray, he felt like he needed more, he needed something new. Frank worked in a third finger now, using spit as lube for the meantime, but he wanted something more, and he could tell ray needed something more, too. He felt relaxed, he felt brave enough to challenge his boundaries.Frank slowly pulled his fingers out, being met with whines of frustration by ray, before frank reached over and wiped his hands on a tissue.He leant over rays ear, finally building the courage to whisper what he wanted to say."Can i fuck you, angel?" he whispered as quietly as he could, rays breathing ragged.Ray moaned at the words, frantically nodding. "O-only if you are su-sure you want to- fuck- i need you inside me frankie-" he whimpered more as frank moved towards the end of the bed, slowly pulling his joggers down in a teasing way. He wasnt wearing any underwear, his cock was hard as it sprung free. Ray marvelled at the sight, he felt such deep love and connection between them."I promise ill stop if i feel uncomfortable- im just- im sure i want to do this- im so sure- please safeword if something isnt right okay honey?" Frank whispered, slowly wanking his cock with spit in his hand, his breath already hitching."Im clean and dont care either way- but condoms are in the drawer if you want to use one" ray softly spoke, stroking franks cheek as he straddled over him. "I wanna feel close to you" he spoke, shaking his head. He layed over ray, slowly holding his dick against rays loose hole. His eyes were locked with rays, the love in the room couldnt be downed by anything."You sure frankie?" Ray whispered, eyes full of love, care, worry and lust. "Im sure, i promise babe- wanna feel you" he whispered back, placing a soft kiss into his lips, before he slowly pressed in, the tip of his cock stretching out rays hole. "Im gonna go slow honey- wanna make sure you feel good" frank smiled, holding one of rays hands as he slowly pushed in even more. Ray felt incredible, the stretch slightly painful but euphoric.He felt so close to his boyfriend, looking up into franks widening eyes. His face relaxed, jaw relaxing as he felt his cock slipping deeper into rays tight hole. He felt so connected to ray as he bottomed out, he couldnt get enough of it. "Are you okay babe" frank asked, ray whimpered."Yeah fucking- yeah you feel so fucking good-" he whimpered, wrapping his arms over franks lower neck, pulling him down into a passionate kiss. His tounge slipped into rays mouth, before he softly pulled out half way, fucking back into him. Rays legs were already shaking, he bent them up to loop around franks waist, his arms wrapping around his body.Frank felt himself getting close already, the tightness of rays ass around his cock was intense, the heat and love was sending him over the edge. Frank pulled away from rays lips by only a centimetre, looking down into his eyes as he continued fucking his hips into ray, long and hard thrusts. "Im gonna cum frankie" ray whimpered eyes locking with franks as he let out small whimpers, echoing off of franks."Im- fuck you feel so good- this feels incredible" he whined back, his hips speeding up slightly. He was being gentle but thorough, making sure to reach deep into rays ass, stimulating his prostate as much as he could. "Im gonna- im gonna cum" frank stammered, he felt rays hips stutter and shake as his own came to a slow stop, his cock shooting ropes of cum into rays ass, the sensory experience being heightened by the deep eye contact and the clenching around his dick. Rays cum splattered against his stomach, he grabbed onto frank as much as he could, head rolling back against the pillows as frank flopped down against him.They panted for a while, laying there out of breath, grinning at eachother. "Ho- holy fuck" frank stuttered, grinning as he held eye contact with ray. He admired the relaxed look in his eyes, the feeling of bliss sending the pair into a state like no other."Frankie im so fucking proud of you" ray spoke, tears welling in his eyes. "You felt fucking amazing" he breathily spoke, pulling ray into a deep kiss again. His cock was still buried deep in his ass, their legs weaved together as they kissed.Eventually he pulled away, smiling at ray sweetly. "Im gonna pull out slowly" he softly spoke, stroking rays lower hips as he slowly pulled himself out of ray, quickly grabbing tissues to wipe the cum that began trickling out. He quickly wiped himself down, too, before ray grabbed a tissue and began wiping his own stomach and cock."You are perfect, ray" frank softly spoke, stroking his cheek once more. Ray couldnt speak, a tear just rolled down his face. Frank immediatley moved to cup his face, stroking the tear away gently. "Why are you-" frank asked concerned, before ray interupted."They are happy tears baby, dont worry- im just so happy" he smiled, a small tear rolling down again. Frank welled up too, processing what had just happened. "I just lost my virginity" frank spoke aloud, verbally processing what had just happened."Im so proud of you, love"
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
That evening was full of cuddles, worship and love. Ray and frank spent all night in bed together, taking eachother in. They both felt euphoric, but mixed emotions were beginning to flood franks mind.He couldnt help feeling guilty for enjoying sex with ray, he felt ashamed and disgusting in some ways. He was struggling to keep memories of him being raped from his mind, the visions getting more vivid.Ray was beginning to notice the discomfort of franks aura, he slowly weaved a hand through his hair. "Love you can talk about it, dont bottle it up" he gently spoke, frank almost winced at the fact he was making his discomfort that obvious. He sighed. "Im just trying to combat all those mixed emotions babe its okay- i feel really um- guilty for enjoying that as much as i did? I dont want to- im just dealing with alot of shit mentally i guess, reliving some of the stuff" he spoke quietly. "I know you cant help it frankie- im so sorry- i promise you, you dont have anything to feel guilty about, you are so strong for doing that angel and- im so proud if you" ray softly cooed, stroking franks hair. "You did so well" he praised, now taking one of his hands."Is there anything i did that you didnt like or was just- bad?" He asked, almost scared tone in his voice. Ray grinned. "Frankie can i be brutally honest with you" he asked, a smile on his face. Frank nodded, almost bracing himself. "That was the best sex ive ever had- you are actually a natural at that love, it felt incredible and i wouldnt have had it any other way" he grinned, kissing franks forehead. "Really?" He smiled, looking up to ray. "Yeah my love- is there anything you didnt like? I know you didnt like me grabbing your hair like that, and im so sorry" ray softly asked. Frank nodded, agreeing that he didny like ray grabbing his hair. "You can grab my hair if we are kissing or if im near your face but- it reminded me of when he would um- you get the idea-" he said, cutting himself off. "I loved everything else" he softly spoke, holding rays hand and stroking the space next to his thumb."I just need space to process this for a while, its not because of you, it was just alot for me" frank stroked softly, smiling gently at ray now. "Of course love, im gonna be here no matter what you need" ray softly spoke, before he heard the letterbox open. Frank immediatley tensed up, eyes widening as he looked up to ray. "Ill get it honey wait here, i wont open it" he spoke reassuringly, squeezing franks thigh before disapearing to the door.What ray found was disgusting, it was a small parcel, with bloody fingerprints and a small note reading "frankie bear".He quietly picked it up, putting it in the back of the cupboard, before finding a junk mail letter out of the drawer, bringing it back to frank. "Just junk mail, love" he lied, handing it to frank, he smiled and took it from rays hands.He lied because he didnt want to ruin the moment, he didnt want frank to get upset. The next morning, ray had gone to work and frank was cooking breakfast for himself, but he couldnt find the paprika. He rummaged in the cupboard, a box catching his eye after he moved all of the spices out of the shelf. He picked it up, realising who it was addressed to.Frankie bear.His heart stopped, slowly taking it out of the cupboard and placing it on the counter. He knew that handwriting anywhere.He didnt know what to do, wether to open it or simply throw it away, but curiosity got the best of him.He slowly cut the ribbon holding the box together, pulling the lid off. He was disgusted by what he saw inside. A cassete tape and a portable cassete player, dawned with a small piece of tape, with the writing "play me" across it.He slowly picked it up, pressing the red button which caused the tape to whir. He was disgusted by the sounds he heard from the tape. He recognised his own screams and moans anywhere, the sounds of him sobbing erupted from the tape, before he threw it at the wall, breaking down on the floor. He was so angry, so upset that he hadnt been told about the tape. What if ray had listened to it?Frank picked the box up, there was a singular bloody note which read "enjoy", which wrapped around a used blade. Frank shoved it into his pocket befote grabbing some scraps from the cassette, shoving them into his pocket as tears fell, too. He slipped his trainers on before storming out of the flat. Ray was at work again, gee drawing in the corner and mikey cleaning down a random table, there was no one in sight. Mikey had been teasing ray about the obvious hickeys that littered his neck, and the happy skip in his step, however, they were interupted by an angry, sobbing frank who was storming through the door. Mikey looked up in shock at franks sudden appearance, gee peering over the top of his notebook.Ray quickly made his way to frank, before he backed off as frank raised his arm. "Why the fuck did you lie to me?" Frank yelled, tears still streaming down his face. Ray was confused for a moment, before his eyes widened. "Love let me explain-" ray defensivley spoke, backing up as frank got closer, he looked fuming. "Did you fucking listen to it?" He yelled again, rays face getting more and more confused. "Listen to what frankie- what was in that box?" He asked with concern, gee and mikey watching the scene unfold in horror."You fucking know what was in it" frank cried out, pulling the shattered piece of a tape out of his pocket, along with the note and a blade, chucking it on the counter infront of them. Ray looked down at the items in confusion, before reading what it was. "Is this a broken tape?" Ray asked, confirming his suspicion. "No its a fucking girrafe" he sarcastically snapped, chucking another piece down."Babe why is there a-" ray spoke before cutting himself off, picking it up and holding it between him and frank. "You tell me" frank demanded, his eyes couldnt be full of more anger. "I didnt give you this last night because you were processing stuff i didnt want to overwhelm you" ray tried, trying to step closer to frank. "Thats not fair i want to know when this shit happens" frank demanded. "Im so sorry babe" he spoke. Frank was fuming."Frank come sit down you are shaking" mikey spoke, pulling a chair out. He sat down, staring at the floor before bursting into tears, the anger leaving his body. Gee and ray crowded around frank, ray softly took his hand while mikey and gee crouched either side of him. "Love im sorry i didnt show you sooner" he apologised again, franks sobs grew louder. "Dont ever do that to me again" frank demanded, his voice croaky. Gee ran off to grab water, he returned and handed it to frank. "Deep breaths love" ray spoke, mikey nodding along. "Whatever was on that tape is gone, its in the past and you never have to listen to it again" mikey tried to reassure frank. "Its gone love" he added gently, stroking his hair again.Frank calmed down enough to form a sentence, he was so embarassed at his outburst. "Swear on my life you didnt know what was inside?" He spoke, voice full of vunerability. "I swear, frankie, i just didnt think you were in the right headspace to cope with it, i didnt want you to get upset- i hate seeing you upset" ray spoke, taking his hand. "I cant unhear the sound" he spoke under his breath, mikey gently placing a hand on his shoulder and stroking him softly. "Can i ask what it was? You dont have to babe i-" ray began before frank cut him off. "Audio of um- he recorded audio of it happening" he spoke, embarassed. "Im so sorry frank" gee whispered, you could hear the pain in his voice. "Im so sorry i wasnt there honey" ray spoke, wiping franks tears with his thumb. "Were all here for you now- he isnt here and he isnt gonna hurt you" mikey softly spoke, stroking his shoulder still."Im so sorry i yelled at you" frank spoke, looking down into his lap. Ray shook his head, lifting franks chin up. "You dont need to apologise, i shouldnt have hidden it from you" ray apologised back, stroking his hair. "Why does he keep doing this" frank was shaky as he spoke, mikey and gerard had no clue how to help."Its so unfair- you shouldnt have to live in fear" mikey spoke, gee nodding along. "If youd like you can come and stay with us for the night? Just to get out of that environment if you want?" Gee asked, stroking franks other shoulder. "That sounds nice" frank replied, ray nodding along. "We can have a movie night and talk and that itll be nice" mikey added, handing frank a tissue.Frank calmed down enough, ray gathered up the items and mikey closed shop, gee sitting by franks side."Were gonna look after you"
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
They closed up shop and made it to mikey and gees apartment, taking their time as mikey walked with his walking stick, arm linked tightly with gerards, his pain was so much worse today. They all spoke gentle reassurance to frank as they walked, rays hand intwined with his.Eventually they made it back, mikey unlocking the door and quickly sitting down, gulping down some water and a handfull of pills from a small bottle. Gee lead frank and ray inside, holding his hand the whole time. "Make yourselves at home- you can borrow clothes if you dont wanna go back to your place, you want coffee?" He asked, before taking his hoodie off, exposing his arms for the first time. He was marked thoroughly with scars, none fresh, though. It saddened frank to see the marks, he knew how much it hurt to go through that kind of addiction."Id love coffee- thank you guys so much" frank said sweetly before sitting down next to mikey. "Are you doing okay?" Frank asked, referring to the pain in his joints. "Not really but ill cope man, dont worry" he said with strain in his voice. "Anything i can do?" He replied with the same softness mikey had offered earlier. "Just want a hug" he said honestly, before frank leant over and wrapped an arm over mikey, leaning against him as he relaxed.Ray and gee bought over 4 mugs of coffee, placing them on the table. "This is a really nice place" ray looked around the room, it was his inner emo teenage boys dream. "Mikes you feeling any better?" Gee asked, leaning over to pass him a heat pack, by the looks of things. "Its okay gee" mikey spoke in clear discomfort now, opening the heat pack and pressing it firmly into his knee. "Frankie how are you feeling?" Mikey diverted the spotlight away, genuinley worried for frank. "Im alright now its just- repeating in my head" frank quietly spoke, before gee held his finger up indicating he was going to get something. He returned with a small bottle of pills, labeled with a name he couldnt read. "This is what i take when im having an episode or my hallucinations are getting really bad- you can try it if you need to frankie" he said, handing him the bottle. "Thank you gee" frank replied, reading the side of the bottle. He took one and swallowed it dry, before leaning back onto mikeys shoulder.They all decided to watch a movie, laughing together and trying to take their minds off of everything. Mikey was falling asleep against franks shoulder, ray and gee sat on the same large chair, eating from the same bowl of popcorn. Franks thoughts had calmed down now, and it was getting much later. Frank felt himself drifting off, but he tried to keep awake. Ray was now nearly asleep, gee looked tired too.He got up, slowly crouching infront of mikey. He took his limp hand, stroking it gently. "Dude, wake up" he sweetly spoke, mikey letting out a groan as he slowly opened his eyes. "You need any help?" Gee asked mikey, he tried to move his knees but he struggled. Frank sat up, stroking mikeys shoulder. "Knees are flaring up" he groggily spoke, trying to move his legs again."You two wait out here we wont be long" gee softly spoke, taking both of mikeys hands. "Ive got you mikes" he reassured as mikey stumbled as he found his balance. He led him to what ray and frank assumed was his room.Sitting mikey on the bed, he helped him get his hoodie off. "You need help with the joggers or are you just gonna sleep in them?" Gee asked, stroking mikeys hand as he felt him drifting off again. "Im just gonna sleep in these- thank you gee" he whispered, squeezing gees hand as he crawled backwards into bed."Call me if you need anything mikey" he smiled, stroking his hair and taking his glasses off for him, before pressing a brotherly kiss into his forehead. "Love you gee" he smiled, before drifting off almost immediatley."Love you too, mikes" he smiled before stroking his head and quietly leaving the room.He came back into the living room, where ray was inspecting the healing cuts on franks arm, he immediatley pulled his ark up his sleeve again as gee walked in. "Shit- sorry" he spoke, frank looking embarassed."Dont be- um- i bled on my jumper do you have a first aid kit?" He asked, embarassed tone still in his voice. He felt so ashamed. "Of course- ray theres tissues in that drawer use those to put pressure on it" he said, a slight tone of panic in his voice as he rushed off to find the first aid kit.He returned with it, coming to crouch next to frank on the sofa. "What happened?" He softly asked, not prying in his attempt to console frank. "I just knocked the scab, i promise" he spoke, gee nodded. "Its not got any fluff or dirt in it, its okay" ray spoke reassurinly. "Its been a rough day for you frankie, im sorry" gee spoke, a sad smile on his face."Im used to it" he replied with sadness."You shouldnt have to be frankie""Its okay, hows mikey doing?" He asked, worried about how much he was struggling. "I cant say hes okay cus he isnt- but its nothing to be worried about, this happens alot. His joints are so bad sometimes, its awful" gee replied as he cleaned the uncovered wound on his arm and helped frank out of his hoodie. Ray took his off, quickly passing it to frank before he could argue."Thanks love" he smiled, interupted by a wince from pain. "You two can have my bed" gee smiled, finishing up by placing the plaster on franks arm. "Thank you so much" he smiled, pulling gee into a massive hug. "Dont thank me" he smiled, stroking franks hair once before pulling away. They had been fast asleep for hours now, before gee was awoken by the sound of muffled sobs from the bathroom. He assumed it was mikey, this happened alot when he was in severe pain. "Mikes is that you?" He called in a whisper, making his way to the bathroom, he peeked in and it was frank, curled in a ball on the floor with his hand over his mouth to muffle the sobs."Fuck im so sorry" gee spoke as frank sniffed, looking down. He crouched infront of frank, being careful not to touch him. "Can i touch you frankie?" Gee softly asked, being careful to wait for a response before going near him. He caught on to the fact he was coming out of a ptsd episode, being careful not to scare him. Once he had a nod from frank, gee took both of his hands in a gentle touch."You are in my bathroom, he isnt here and it isnt real frankie" gee soothed. "Im sorry i dont wanna make a scene" he sobbed, before gee stroked his hand. "No frank, you arent making a scene- i promise- i promise nothing here is going to hurt you, do you want some medication? I can get you anything you need right now or do anything you need me to" his voice was so calming, he felt a new type of reassurance. He knew it was because gerard had ptsd too, he knew it was because he knew exactly how it felt."I- yeah- i need to get rid of the fucking noise" he spoke, wiping his own tears. "Let me grab some stuff dude ill be back as soon as i can be" he spoke, stroking franks hair one more time before rushing off to find the pills he needed to.He returned with a cup of ice, 3 pills and a stuffed frog teddy. "Two of these are the ones you took earlier and theres a very weak xanax there if you want it, itll help you calm down-" gee spoke before frank downed all three pills. "Focus on the ice" he spoke, taking a piece out of the glass and placing it in his hand. It was freezing, but the mix of the weighted stuffed animal, the ice in his hand and the soft touch of gerards hand in his quickly pulled him away from the hallucinations of screams and crys."Thank you- so much" frank cried, hugging onto gerard again. "You want me to get you back into bed with ray?" He softly asked, stroking franks hair still. "I dont wanna wake him up" frank softly spoke. "Come lay with me" he smiled."You are the best friend ever, gee"
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A few more weeks passed and frank and ray had recieved 5 more letters.One described a graphic images of frank being used and abused, describing the sounds he made and the attacks he tried.The next was another stack of photos, this time of gerard, mikey and ray working in the shop.The third was a photo of frank cuffed to his bed, his cock deep in his throat while he was unconsious.The fourth was a letter describing franks clothes and his shopping list from the other day.The fifth was another photo of ray, working in the shop.It was becoming too much for frank to handle, along with ray. He had done all he could to distract frank, he had spent time getting closer to mikey and gee, too. He had started a prescription for the same medication gerard was on, it helps him calm down from episodes sometimes, taking the edge off of his panic attacks and daily hallucinations.Ray was at work once again, they had had an arguement that morning about how he was smoking too much on the medication he was on, which spiralled into deep conversations about his other addictions.He felt alone and fucking awful, he didnt know what to do, but he did know that if he gave in to the urge to relapse he would be proving ray right. So he called gerard.It only took 3 rings before he picked up the phone, he heard a muffle on the other end."Hey frankie how are you?" He asked sweetly, a happy tone in his voice. "I um- dont think i can be alone right now are you free?" He asked awkwardly, being honest off the bat. "Yeah of course dude, has something happened are you okay?" He asked with growing concern. He could feel himself welling up with tears."I had an arguement with ray and-" his voice cracked before gee interupted quickly. "Oh god im sorry- im sure its fixable, im coming around now, im actually in the neighbourhood so it wont take long" his voice was reassuring and gentle."Thank you so much gee" he felt tears falling down his face now, instantly wiping them away so he wouldnt look tear sodden when he arrived. Soon enough, gerard arrived with a sad smile on his face and a bag full to the brim."Hey frankie" he spoke, frank stood at the door infront of him, before gee stepped inside and closer to frank. "You need a hug" He asked, but it was more of a statement in actuality. Frank felt himself soften into his arms, gee holding him up."Dude its gonna be okay we can fix this" he reassured, guiding frank to the sofa. He locked all 5 locks he had installed on the door, before planting himself cross legged under a blanket."Rays right" he sounded like he was about to burst into tears, gee placed his hand on franks knee and sat down infront of him. "Do you mind me asking, what happened?" He calmly asked, stroking his thumb against his knee.He took a deep breath before thinking about how to word what he wanted to say."Im not supposed to smoke or drink on my medication, and ray got really upset at me because i cant stop smoking all the time and it just got onto my addictions and then- he brought up my- self harm- and it just became a huge screaming match about it and he is right but i cant stop" he began to ramble, stuttering towards the end as tears began to fall."Frankie unless what he said was that he wants you to stop and he wants to be there for you to help you overcome that, he is in the wrong" he stopped frank, moving up to pull a box of tissues out of his bag."He was just saying about how much it hurts to watch me fuck my body up all the time and then refuse help" frank cried now, taking a tissue and wiping his eyes with it gently."It hurts watching people you love and care about go through the stuff youve been through. It does but its not about him right now, you need to find ways to quit and avoid situations where youll have the chance or the urge to harm yourself" he gently spoke, still stroking his knee.Frank tensed up slightly, gee felt it under hus touch and instantly realised what it translated to. "Is that why you called me?" He asked, stroking his knee slower now. Frank nodded to reply, moving to cross his arms across his stomach.Gee sat next to frank, scooping him into his arms. "Did you-" he began before frank interupted. "No-" he reassured quickly, " the um- i cant stop thinking about it- and if i do ill prove ray right i want to prove him wrong- i want to stop i hate seeing him so upset every time my fucking sleeve roles up and he can see-" he began crying harder, burying his head into gees chest."You resisted, you got yourself out of that situation frank, thats progress and thats the first step" he cooed, stroking franks hair. He knew how much comfort it brought him.Frank couldnt reply, he just nuzzled himself further into his chest. "Is anything making it harder to cope at the moment?" He asked, his non pressuring voice bringing him more comfort."Theres been more letters" frank quietly told, squeezing his eyes shut at the thought. Gee paused as he took franks hand, softly stroking his palm with his thumb."All three of you are in danger now because of him and its just- if something ever happened to one of you id never forgive myself" he spoke with so much fear and pain in his voice, it broke gee how much he related to frank."Frank you cant blame yourself for his actions-" he insisted, interupted as there was a flick of the letter box. Frank immediatley heard the noise and began shaking, flinching as the letter hit the floor."Its okay frankie i promise- its okay- do you want me to check what it is?" He asked calmly, hoping if he stayed calm it would provide frank with stability. He nodded against gees chest, shuffling off to the farthest chair.Gee picked the brown envelope off of the floor, holding it in one hand as he fiddled with his nails on the other. "Do you want me to open it and tell you what it is or- do you want me to leave that part to you?" He softly asked, kneeling infront of frank who was now struggling to breathe."I dont wanna have to fucking look at it again" he struggled to get out, shaking. Gee quickly got up and rummaged around for his pills in his bag, handing one to frank. "Its gonna be okay, you dont have to open it if you dont want to" he carefully reassured, strokiny his knee as he swallowed the pill."What if its something important" he spoke, placing his head in his hands. "Would you like me to open it up and try and see what it is? If its those kind of photos i will immediatley put it down if thats reassuring- or would you rather leave it unopened frankie?" His tone was unpressuring, he was respectful of any desicion frank would make."Just tell me what it is" he gave in, a tear rolling down his cheek. Gee placed his hand on the top of franks head as he stroked his hair one last time, taking a step away to sit down to open the letter. He slowly ripped the seal, the letter addressed to 'frankie'.He slowly took a singular photo, holding it in utter horror.He analysed the picture, his jaw clenched as he stared down at it. The photo was taken minutes prior, it was from down the hall, as frank hugged gee. "What is it" frank cried, shaking profusley.He didnt know what to say. "Its of us- earlier while i was at the door" he spoke, voice monotone and confused. Frank took the picture out of his hand, holding it infront of him. He saw red, the image infront of him sent him into a new realm of anger and disgust."Im gonna call ray okay? Im gonna tell him to go to mine and mikeys we arent staying here" he softly spoke, but a level of fear and panic still laced his voice. What the fuck was gee going to do.
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Once they reached gee and mikeys apartment, they were met inside by a shaky ray and mikey, both panicing. Once frank got through the door, he immediatley ran into rays arms. Ray whispered small uttererances of comfort, stroking franks head. Gee made quick progress of locking the door."I wanna call the police" frank sobbed into his chest, shaking violently now. Everyones hearts broke, ray held frank softly as he felt tears falling down his face."Come and sit down" he guided, taking frank to sit next to mikey who was still seated on the sofa. He wrapped his arm around frank, gee picking up his phone. "Are you 100% sure you want me to do this frankie?" He asked softly, ray crouching infront of him.He nodded, the sobs that came from frank hurt ray so much. Mikey welled up with tears as gee returned with a whole range of things. He handed frank a stuffed animal, holding it close to his chest as he shook. Ray began calling the police as gerard and mikey desperatley comforted him, doing the best they could to bring him to any state of calm.Ray stepped into the hall to make the phone call, explaining to the police what had happened, tears had taken over rays eyes and he squeezed them tight as he spoke.In the living room, frank was now in a state where he couldnt even speak, he was clearly having a ptsd episode. It was as if everyone could hear the thoughts in franks head.Gerard had the idea to grab ice from the freezer, bringing it over to frank again. He softly pressed it against his wrist, mikey softly stroking his shoulder. He gently whispered to frank, reminding him that he was safe and who he was with until eventually he was calm.Ray returned to the living room, frank was still crying but it was less severe now. "A police officer are is on their way love" he softly spoke, sitting down next to his boyfriend. "Im so proud of you" ray said with a slight choke, wiping a tear from his face. "I cant endanger you guys any more" frank sniffed, taking the glass of water gee offered him. "Whats in that briefcase love?" He asked softly, stroking franks hair."I collected all of the things he sent" he spoke numbly, trying to disconnect from the images of whats inside."I thought you threw them out" he spoke, almost proud he kept them. "I kept them incase i decided i wanted to do this" he spoke. Mikey hugged frank with so much love, the aura of the room turned to one of proudness. "I dont know if i want the officer to see the photos of me" he cried, looking down into his lap."You can take them out if you want to, just submit the photos he has taken of us and the blade if you want to" gerard softly spoke, "its all in your hands" ray added. "I want him to get a full sentence, ill leave them in there" he spoke, looking down.The door knocked, mikey got up to answer it before stepping outside into the hall."Hey officer- im gonna give you the heads up frank is very upset right now-" mikey started, before the officer placed her hand on his shoulder."Dont worry, ive had alot of experience in this area, is there any specific triggers he has you dont think i should directly bring up?" The officer kindly asked, a sad smile on her face."Dont touch him- and um- i guess dont rush him, its going to take a while for him to get everything out""Ive got it, by the way, im officer lee, but just call me amy" she spoke, before mikey nodded and opened the door to let her inside."Frankie this is amy, shes going to help sort this out" mikey spoke, frank smiled, trying to compose himself. "Hi officer" he spoke, gee and ray getting up to shake her hand, before she came to kneel infront of frank. "Right sweetie were gonna take this nice and slow, can you tell me what happened today?"She asked softly, pulling out a notepad from her pocket. He took a deep breath, gerard boiling water to make a round of tea, while ray and mikey comforted him. "My uncle recently got out of jail for sexual abuse and hes been stalking me and my friends" he spoke plainly, looking down into his lap again."Im so sorry to hear that frank, were going to get to the bottom of this for you" she reassured.She asked for his uncles name and wether frank has a restraining order against him, before she got to the part frank was dreading."Hes been sending letters to my house, with different things inside of them" he spoke, picking up the briefcase. "Are you okay for me to take a look at whats in there?" She asked politley, gee handing her a cup of tea. "Im warning you now its disgusting" frank spoke before unlocking the briefcase and handing it to her.Ray, gerard and mikey all directly looked away, out of respect. She pulled out the first envelope, removing the contents. It was a small pile of photos of frank being raped. She took a deep breath before a tear rolled down franks face, she placed them back inside the envelope."How long ago were those taken?" She asked, trying to keep her formality and hide her emotions. "Not recently. A few years ago when he used to abuse me- but hes been sending them recently. Hes also sent a cassete tape recording of him raping me which i smashed, and he sent a used blade- he also has been taking photos of all 4 of us and sending them too" he spoke, wiping the tears away."You are incredibly strong, frank" she spoke, looking through more letters inside the briefcase."Is he gonna get arrested?" Frank asked, tears cascading now. "He is gonna have an incredibly long sentence, it will just take time" she spoke, ray hugging him."Thank you amy"
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A few weeks had passed and a court date had been established for a months time.He was out shopping, gathering presents for rays birthday, loading the bags of d&d supplies and band shirts into his car, blaring korn in his headphones. He hummed along, thinking about how he was seeing them next week with the guys, in his own world.Well, until he felt a hand on his shoulder. He immediatley went into flight mode, pushing the hand away and running for it, before he realised he was being chased. He ran as fast as his legs could fucking take him, heart pounding.The streets were empty, he screamed at the top of his lungs for help, but nobody came. The world became a blur around him.He ran down the empty streets, running around a corner before he realised he was in an alley way. There was no way out. His mind began to trace back to years before, shutting down. He tried to find a way out before he realised he was being pinned against the wall, by the same familiar face."Gotcha" he grinned, his face twisted and eyes dark, holding frank by the neck and arm. Frank looked into his uncles eyes and immediatley went numb, not even a tear could escape from his eyes."Scream and ill kill you" he whispered directly into his ear, and frank just wished it would be over already. He thought back to the past, the agonising pain and the emotional turmoil he was put through."Since you are getting me arrested again, i might as well have my fun with you while i can" his voice was demanding and full of lust, he quickly unbuckled his own belt and pulled franks jeans down below his waist, violently flipping him to face the wall. Franks mind had gone blank, he was unable to think or fight his way out of the situation. Even though he subconsiously knew if he fought back he would just go harder and more agressive.He immediatley spat on his own hand before rubbing his dick, without warning he fucked into frank. All he could do was cry and sniff against the door, his face bleeding from where his face was shoved against the wall.The ripping feeling that shot through him was agonising, he wished he would just die on the spot. He felt his uncle finish inside of him, before pulling out with no remorse, choking him to the ground.All he could do was stay still and hope to stay consious. "Bite me and i will get your pathetic boyfriend" he demanded, holding franks jaw before fucking into his mouth, too. He immediatley nodded, he would do anything to keep his boyfriend safe.Frank felt himself gag around the intrustion, no way to rid the feeling of choking. He swallowed when he was eventually forced to, his head being stuck between the hard brick wall and his uncles hips.His head slammed against the wall, a loud ringing overtook him as the world spun violently around him.Eventually he pulled out, before delivering a firm kick to his stomach, before pulling his beanie back down, crouching next to frank. "One down, three to go" he grinned, before standing back up and running for it, abandoning frank with his trousers down, covered in blood and cum.He turned to the side ans threw up, coughing and choking on the feeling, tears streaming. His entire body throbbed, he wished he would just die.Frank felt himself getting dizzy as the blazing pain coarsed through him, his entire body shaking. He needed ray.He pulled his phone out of his pocket before dialling his boyfriend, waiting desperatley to pick him up. Once he did, frank couldnt bring himself to speak. "Hi babe whats up?" He asked softly, voice full of love as always. Frank couldnt speak, his throat was raw and his head pounding. "You there babe?"He prompted at franks silence. "Lock the shop" he managed, voice broken and small. "Why babe whats up?" He asked, confused and scared. "My uncle is coming to get you guys" his voice was hardly audible, groggy and raw, his emotion read empty. "What makes you think that? Where are you frank" he asked more paniced."Im in an alley" he spoke, voice dull. He heard shuffling on the other side of the phone as frank realised his throat was bleeding, along with his head and where his uncle had pounded into him."What do you mean why are you in an alley?" His voice paniced and louder now, he could hear the shaking. "Im coming right now frank what street are you on?" Ray spoke, his eyes welling with tears as he pieced the puzzle together."I dont know where i am" frank slurred, head getting dizzier and dizzier. "Im gonna track your location love stay there and dont move" ray paniced, rustling on the line. Ray held his phone back to his ear.The world was fading more and more around him.He couldnt see properly.Or hear.Or think.Everything was numb again.That familiar feeling of numbness.Just like the old times.
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Ray, mikey and gerard ran faster than they had ever ran in their lives. Ray had tracked the location of frank using the app they had set up, they were distraught by the idea. "Frankie?" Ray called, turning the corner of the alley way. "Wait here" ray cried to gee and mikey, running to franks side.The sight infront of him was so physically distressing ray felt himself nearly throw up. Frank layed on the floor, holding his stomach as blood trickled down the side of his mouth. He was hardly consious, his whole body shaking violently. His jeans were around his ankles, his underwear stained with blood, hardly covering himself.Ray began hysterically sobbing, crouching down to hold his boyfriend. "Ive got you love i am so sorry- fuck- i am so sorry" he sobbed, stroking his hair. He pulled his hoodie off and wrapped it around franks waist, calling mikey and gerard from around the corner. They came running, crouching down with frank and ray who were both on the floor. "Call an ambulance- please-" he sobbed, struggling to breathe.Gerard pulled his phone out, dialling 999 as quick as he could, he put it on speaker. "Frankie your stomach- show me love" he spoke, trying to sit frank up to inspect. He clasped his shirt close to him, shaking his head. "Stop touching me- im fucking disgusting" he cried, burying himself as close to the wall as he could. Rays heart shattered, he couldnt bare the sight.He stood up and moved to the corner, throwing up as he leant against the wall. Gerard began speaking to the paramedic before mikey took franks hand, trying to avoid looking at his waist which was only half covered by the hoodie.Frank coughed up splutters of blood, ray rushing back to his side still hysterically sobbing. "Love ive got you hes gone now and hes never coming back" ray sobbed, stroking franks hair, pulling his hand away quickly when he realised his head was sticky with blood. He lifted his hand up, mikey and gee shocked by the sight. The paramedics soon pulled down the alley way, rushing to his side and immediatley moving frank to lay in the centre of the alley, hoodie being moved to cushion his head.Gerard sat close to franks head as mikey tried to calm ray down enough to speak to another paramedic, the group all sodden in tears. "Sweetheart we are going to take you to hospital, i need to see your stomach" frank was hardly consious, eyes flickering shut. "Stay with me frankie his ribs were bruising and a firm cut was driven across his stomach. Gerard couldnt look, he squeezed his eyes shut as he held franks hand softly. "Ive got you- its going to be alright" he cried, stroking franks hand as ray came to join franks side.All frank could hear was high pitched ringing and the sound of his uncles words, his vision going black and the feeling of the agonising pain grew stronger by the second. He felt himself being turned onto his side before he realised he was throwing up again, the paramedics quickly lifting him up onto a stretcher to be placed in the ambulance.Ray scrambled inside, gerard and mikey soon following before the ambulance drove as fast as possible to the hospital, running red lights as gerard held franks hand. As they unloaded frank from the ambulance the rushed him away, not letting anybody through with him, a nurse leading them to the waiting room. The world was spinning around ray, he sobbed into his hands as gerard held him, mikey stroking rays knee as he tried desperatley to help him calm down.A nurse crouched infront of the trio, ray looking up to her. "Frank is asking for someone to be in the room with him" the nurse softly asked, ray standing up to rush off. "Sir i cant let someone who is activley panicing in there" she spoke, ray colapsed back down. "Ill go, stay here with mikey-" gee spoke, hugging ray tightly before rushing off with the nurse. Frank was sat on a table in his clothes, hardly consious as a nurse took some of franks blood. He was hyperventilating still, however. He sat next to frank, immediatley taking his free hand. "Mr iero we are going to perform a rape kit and examine you for injurys" the nurse began, frank immediatley pulled away and sat up. "No you arent" he sobbed, bringing his knees to his chest. Gee remembered this all too well, back from his past abuse, the first time he had to experienxe a rape kit was the scariest moment of his life."Frankie if you do this theyll be able to lock him up forever, they are safe, they are here to help" he reassured, he recognised the nurse. "It isnt going to hurt alot" gerard tried to reassure, holding franks hand. "I dont want anyone touching me" he cried, nuzzling into gerard. "I need you to focus on my hand and my voice, they arent going to hurt you" gerard desperatley reassured, holding frank with gentle touch. His eyes were shaky and full of tears, blood staining his jeans more. "One step at a time""I know this nurse, when i was here for the same reason she helped me" gerard softly spoke, voice full of hurt. She smiled sadly. "I performed this same kit on gerard a few years ago, nothing bad is going to happen in here sweetheart" she gently spoke, pulling gloves onto her hands. Frank looked up at gerard, eyes even sadder. "She isnt gonna hurt you" he insisted, stroking his palm. "Okay-" he cried, laying his legs down again. "What are you gonna do?" He cried, voice small and raw, gerard grabbed a tissue and wiped the blood from the corner of franks mouth."Im going to clean up all of the blood, and then im going to swab the area and inside and make sure we get some of his DNA, once weve done that i can numb you, it will be quick" she spoke kindly, gerard stroked his hand the whole time. "Is it gonna hurt?" He cried, squeezing gerards hand tighter now. "It hurts a bit im not gonna lie, but its so quick- gotta get you cleaned up so we can sort out your ribs" gerard spoke softly, wiping franks tears gently, holding back his own. "Okay-" he cried, burying his head into gerards chest and holding his hand tightly. "Do i have your consent to do this?" She asked softly, her voice so polite and soothing.
"Yeah" he nodded, tears streaming as she began to pull down his jeans. She removed his underwear and gerard held him tight to his chest. "Its gonna feel like shooting pain, but its over quick, i promise" gerard softly spoke, stroking franks hair now as he held him close. "Right frank theres gonna be a small pressure, i need to swab inside so we can get some DNA, its gonna be 10 seconds max, can you relax the best you can for me please?" She gently explained, franks breathing was getting faster. Franks eyes were squeezed shut as the nurse pressed a swab in, a loud sob coming from frank as the pain shot through him. She worked quickly, acting quick before she finished tubing the swabs.
"You are doing so fucking well frank its nearly over and then itll start feeling better alright?" Gerard spoke, stroking franks hair again. "Frank would you like pain relief?" She asked, pulling out wipes from a box and wiping franks thighs clean of the blood.
"Y-yeah" he stuttered, shaking against gerard who was still whispering sweet affirmation to his ear. "Right its going to feel cold, but its numbing gel which will help with the pain alright?" She spoke, holding up a syringe. "O-okay" he cried, she once again worked quickly. "Youve done amazingly frank" she spoke, her eyes watery. "We need to send you in for a scan so we can figure out how severe the damage is internally, and an x ray for those ribs alright frank? Its nearly over" she spoke, gerard held him so gently. "Im so proud of you frankie" gerard smiled, wiping his own tears away."I-i cant do this-" frank sobbed, curling his legs up again. Gerard sat up slightly. "What do you mean frankie?" He asked, wiling his tears still. "Im- im fucking weak- and im just- i feel so fucking disgusting" he sobbed, head in hands. Gerards tears came down harder now, holding frank even closer. "Frank you are the strongest person i know, his actions dont make you disgusting" he cried, his chest ached. "I feel it though" he sobbed, teats streaming. "You are the opposite of disgusting frank- you are so strong- and so- so fucking incredible- youve made it all this way-" gees crys got more intense now, it hurt so much to see his friend in this position. Back in the waiting room, three nurses attempted to calm ray down, mikey holding ray softly. "Honey he is going to be okay" the nurse insisted, tears streaming down rays face. "N-no- i know how upset he got- last time- he- hes going to be fucking broken hearted for so long- hes-" ray was hyperventilating, hardly able to get words out. "We are providing frank with a therapist and new antidepressants, he is going to have support" she replied, ray shook his head. "I wish he would just- i wish i could take away his pain" he sobbed, mikey stroked his shoulder softly. "I went through the same with gerard, i couldnt sleep- and all i felt was guilt for feeling bad that i couldnt help- but ray it gets easier- theres no better feeling than when they feel better- when they feel happy and do shit they have been scared to do- its so painful when its bad but when it gets easier- its the best" ray listened to mikeys words carefully, sobbing heavily."Hes going to be alright eventually ray"
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Frank had 2 broken ribs and 3 tears from his uncles vile actions, and he was finally being dismissed from hospital 2 days later.He had gone through the worst emotional pain he had ever felt, every day was a struggle for all of them, especially frank. He was left unable to walk, the pain of his ribs and internal tears were unbarable. Luckily, however, His doctors had got sufficient DNA samples from his swabs, it proved he was the one who raped frank- and his sentence was going to be hefty.They had decided to temporarily move in with mikey and gerard, as frank was struggling to move without a wheelchair and their building didnt have an elevator.All frank could think about was the pain and where it came from. He lost every ounce of progress he had made over the years, it broke ray to see how frank had just reverted back to his past self. He had been in bed all day, he had bled through another pair of joggers. The doctor had warned him this would happen, the tears needed time to heal. Ray had been out to get snacks, gerard and mikey sat in bed with him. Gerard layed close to frank, being careful to not touch him, mikey sat on a beanbag on the floor. They had been watching tv for hours, getting uncomfortable at the feeling of blood that he was sitting in."You okay frank?" Gee questioned as he noticed franks body tensing up again, his demeanor changing. He shook his head, looking down into his lap. "I think ive bled through" he spoke below a whisper, squeezing his eyes shut."Thats okay frankie- do you need help? I can grab you more joggers if you need them" he spoke calmly, trying to make it seem like its not a big deal to potentially calm franks nerves."Can i have more joggers please?" His voice was shy and full of agony, before he shuffled to the edge of the bed, trying to stand up. The blinding pain through his ribs caused him to fall back to the bed, groaning in pain. "Shit-" mikey said surprised, standing to sit by frank. Frank was struggling to breathe, the pain unbarable."Slow breaths dude-" mikey soothed, frank grabbing at his ribs in agony. "Lay down, we can take care of you" he spoke, frank gave in and layed down. Gerard returned with joggers and a syringe of numbing gel. "Stay here, ill bring you some wipes and we can leave, you dont have to go to the bathroom if your ribs hurt too much-" gee soothed, resisting the urge to stroke franks hair. "I cant bend enough to change" he spoke, embarassed, he sounded like he was about to burst into tears."Do you want me to help or should we wait for ray?" Mikey softly asked. Frank hesitated for a while. "Just um- please dont look- can you help out? i feel disgusting right now i dont think i can wait" he spoke quietly, shaking now."Dude of course" gerard spoke, getting some of the wipes the doctor had given them from the bathroom.Gerard and mikey helped frank change, helping him with the numbing gel and changing the towel he had been sitting on, before he couldnt hold back tears anymore."Frankie-" mikey couldnt bare seeing frank this upset, and he dove into mikeys arms, he needed a hug. Tears began streaming down franks face again, mikey holding frank close to his own chest. "Thank you guys" he sniffled, burying his face into mikeys shoulder."Dont thank us dude- its the least we can do" mikey insisted, holding frank close as gerard sat close to the pair."Im sorry i dont even know whats making me cry" frank spoke into mikeys shoulder, gerard sat next to the pair now."You dont need to know why" gerard reminded, before ray opened the front door. He soon appeared in the room, when he realised frank was crying he rushed to sit with frank. "What happened love?" He softly asked, still resisting the urge to stroke franks hair, knowing it would just hurt him due to the stitches. "Bled through" he mumbled, closing his eyes as mikey stroked his back up and down. "Thats okay- i got you some painkillers and some soup- i spoke to a chemist and this prescription should help with the attacks okay?" He spoke softly, kissing franks temple. "Thank you so much-" frank cried, leaning into mikey touch as he took rays hand now, too."Come here" ray softly spoke, frank shuffled to sit on rays lap, mikey and gerard sat infront of the pair. "Do you wanna go to the park for a bit? Just to get some fresh air?" Ray asked, frank squeezed his eyes shut. "I dont know" he frowned, tears slowing down now. "Its completely up to you" gerard reminded. They were desperate to keep frank in control of all of his desicions, trying to give him the feeling of control back."Yeah id like to get some fresh air" he smiled, trying hi best to stop his tears completely and rid his shaky breathing. "Its chilly out there, ill get you a hoodie and a coat, are you two coming with?" Ray asked softly, mikey and gerard nodded sweetly. "Lets go get some fresh air" ray smiled, frank placing one last kiss on his forehead before getting ready to go.
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Two weeks later, it was the night before their court meeting, frank was having none of it.He had been hyperventilating in the bathroom for 3 hours, throwing up and panicing. He was distraught at the idea of facing a court again, facing his abuser and openly speaking about everything that had happened.Ontop of that, they had just recieved the hospital bills, and they were hefty. An entire 32 grand on anasthetic, the kits, blood tests, stitches and monitoring machines. They had no clue how theyd pay it back. "Deep breaths love" ray soothed, frank shaking in his arms on their bathroom floor. Frank desperatley tried to breathe, taking in deep breaths which were interupted by sobs. Ray leant over to the counter to get their emergency supply of xanax, helping frank swallow one, hoping to god it would help him calm down.Eventually the pill settled him enough so that he could breathe, his whole body language changing to feel more relaxed."Ive got you love, we will find a way to pay the bill okay? I promise itll be okay" ray did his best to reassure frank, his voice shaky and scared."Im scared about tomorrow" frank murmured, burying his face further into rays chest. The truth was, ray was horrified too. He was trying not to let onto how scared he was to see frank face his uncle, and what might come from it."I know love, but you are gonna so just fine, yiu are the strongest person ive ever met, once hes locked up hell be gone for good" ray reminded, stroking franks hair. "Hows your head feeling babe?" He softly asked, avoiding the area where he had hit his head. "Still hurts" he mumbled against rays chest, frank intently listened to rays heart, the beating bringing him so much comfort. It reminded him he was alive and how lucky he was to have him."How about your ribs?" He asked with pain in his voice, he knew how much it was hurting frank. "They arent as bad as they were before pain wise but they look worse" he spoke, pulling away to lift his shirt up, exposing the black and yellow bruising that had spread. Ray was shocked, trying to keep himself composed. "Frankie that looks really bad- are you sure it doesnt hurt as much?" Ray softly spoke, stopping himself from stroking his ribs."Its fine i just bruise easy" he spoke, hugging back against ray. He felt safer there. "Has the bleeding stopped yet?" He asked cautiously, frank shook his head against rays chest. "Dont wanna think about that right now" franks voice was smaller than it had ever been, ray felt his eyes squeese shut against his chest. "We dont have to love its okay, do you wanna go get in bed?" Ray asked, stroking the nape of franks neck."You havent eaten yet" frank looked up at ray, his eyes watery. Ray sighed, stroking franks cheek and wiping the tear that was welling up. "I had lunch, frankie, i promise im alright" ray spoke honestly, it was true, he had a large lunch that day and wasnt hungry. "Just a snack?" Frank insisted, he wanted to be sure he was okay. "Im not forcing you but please?" Frank added, his expression read as worried."How about i get some popcorn and we can watch the next episode of our show?" Ray asked, stroking franks back with soft touches."Id like that" he smiled, he knew in that moment all would be okay as long as he had ray.
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As they pulled up to court, frank held onto rays hands tightly. They were all horrified, the air was thick between the four. Gerard and mikey had been invited along as whitnesses, and they were all bricking it.Ray reassuringly stroked circles into franks palm, keeping him grounded enough. Frank was covered in many layers, he didnt want to let his uncle see his body. He felt disgusting enough as it was, let alone when his uncles glare burned into him.As they left the car, gerard was quick to help ray get franks crutches, along with mikeys crutches, helping the pair out of the car.Frank was so shaky he could hardly keep himself up, he was doing incredibly at keeping himself calm. "Remember, once its over, its over forever" gerard reassured, helping everyone sit down on a bench. Frank pulled out his fags, lighting one up before passing the pack down to gerard, who he knew smoked. He was relying on nicotine and the anxiety medication to keep him calm, even though his true remedy was rays soft touch."You are going to do amazing okay?" Gerard smiled sadly, handing him back the box of fags and lighting himself one, taking a deep inhale. "You are so strong for being here right now" ray praised, frank leant his head against rays shoulder as he blew the smoke he had been holding in for too long through his nose."Lets do this" he smiled, putting the fag out and leading the others inside. They were all sat in the court room, the judge on her podium, an empty table beside where frank, gerard, mikey and ray all sat with their lawyer. Franks leg was bouncing an insane amount, his stomach churning and his hand clamped around rays. His eyes were locked to his lap, staring fown into the black denim of his jeans hoping for some kind of saviour to come to him."Squeeze my hand twice if you want to leave or take a break, okay love?" Ray spoke, his voice low and full of sadness, while tryint to reassure frank as mich as he could."I dont want to see him" franks voice was shaky, his mind going a million miles a minute. "Hes going to be handcuffed frankie he cant get you" gerard spoke down the table, he noticed his hand was tightly interlocked with mikeys. "You okay?" Ray mouthed to gerard, who nodded back with a forced smile. "You are gonna do great frank" mikey reassured, before the judge banged her gavel against the table, the doors opening and none other than the sick bastard himself was lead through to sit at the opposite table.Franks heart was in his throat. He could almost feel the pain inside him again as he locked eyes with his uncle, who mouthed obscenities at frank.As he was sat down, frank didnt realise a tear was rolling down his cheek, he didnt notice until the lawyer was handing frank a tissue. He hastily wiped his eyes before the judge stood at her podium. She introduced herself and the rules, the time was moving so slowky frank couldnt bare it. He knew it was his time to speak, the judge inviting him up to the stand.As frank spoke, his eyes kept away from his uncle, who was looking at him as if he was a rabid dog staring at a piece of meat. He spoke about the pain his uncle put him through, he spoke about his PTSD and how its taken him years to even let people hug him. Ray, gerard and mikeys faces were all streaming with tears by the time he was done speaking, his uncle looked smug and proud of himself.As frank sat down, the judge stood up."Now mr iero. Do you plead guilty for these crimes?" She asked his uncle, her voice was full of poorly masked anger, her stare dug like daggers into his eyes.His uncle sniggered, before he stood and grinned. "Of course im not guilty. He wanted all of it" he grinned, frank immediatley felt sick at the sound of his voice. "Hes a slut"Franks ears began ringing, he was unaware of the scene unfolding around him.Ray had stood up, briskly walking to where his uncle was sat, before throwing a punch directly to the monsters face, before he was immediatley restrained. His uncle just sat there with a shit eating blazed across his face, blood now trickling from his nose as ray was being restrained."Order!" The judge now yelled, frank still staring into space, unaware to everything that had happened. Ray was cuffed, before being dragged away, mikey and gerard now standing. "Mr iero you are sentenced to 50 years in prizon" the judge spoke, befote everybody was dismissrd briskly and more police officers were arriving at the scene.Frank zoned back in, the ringing around him fading and his awareness fading back to him, gerard was holding frank by the shoulders as they sat in the reception. "Frankie?" Gerard was questioning, mikey close next to them both."You did it frankie" gerard praised, a grin on his face like no other. "What?" Frank questioned, clearly disoriented."Yeah frankie, its over" mikey smiled, stroking franks hand. "I dont- remember" he spoke confusedly, looking around. "Wheres ray?" He asked, voice growing more worried. "He hit your uncle dude, broke his nose in three places- hes being released in a few hours-" mikey spoke, gerards smile fading slightly.Franks face was streaming with tears once again, this time, however, they were tears of joy. "We won?" He spoke, voice full of too many emotions to decipher.Hes gone forever."I cant believe its over" he whispered, not knowing how to process his emotions."Its all over"
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https://pin.it/3xMTgjN - mikey https://pin.it/5bTLPno - ray https://pin.it/2NNJGXK - frankhttps://pin.it/3teOka2 - gerard
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They soon released ray, he ran into franks arms the moment he layed eyes on him."You did so good baby im so fucking proud of you-" ray broke down sobbing, holding frank as tightly as he could. "I wouldnt have done it without you guys" franks voice was muffled against rays chest."Were gonna celebrate" franks voice was muffled against rays chest still, but it brought him comfort being in his arms so tightly. "What do you feel like doing frank?" Mikey asked inquizitivley, happy to see frank free of an extra burden. "I want a milkshake." They all drank their milkshakes, cried and hugged together, spesking about how awesome it was to see ray punch franks uncle.Frank wished he had seen it.Hours passed and eventually the pairs parted ways, ray and frank making their way back to their apartment. As frank sat onto the bed, he quickly took his multiple layers off and flopped down, his bruised ribs exposed. Ray did the same, lifting frank up to straddle him. The love between them was thicker than ever."Can i kiss you love?" Ray asked softly, holding franks hips as gentle as he could. "Y-yeah" he breathily spoke, leaning down to kiss ray passionatley as he could. Their hands intwined as their tounges moved together, their lips against eachothers felt better than anything else. "You are incredible" ray whispered to frank, pulling away from his lips to kiss the nearly healed marks on his wrist, frank watched his boyfriend as he kissed against him.His grin the purest he had ever seen on frank, the sheer amount of happiness on his face brought him so much happiness."You are the best thing that ever happened to me" franks voice was breathy and whiney as ray worked his way across to franks neck. "Can i kiss you here love?" He asked, hovering before he made a move. "Y-yeah- fuck-" he whimpered as ray began sucking a mark into franks collarbone.He reveled in the feeling of pleasure that it brought him, the beautiful sight of his boyfriend kissing his chest below him overwhelmed his senses. "Can i take off your jeans love?" He asked, eyes staring into franks. "Um- i think i want to keep my boxers on- its-" he spoke shyly, ray sitting up and reassuringly nodding with wide eyes. "Of course love- of course- tell me what you want frankie" ray spoke, unbuttoning his own jeans and franks, leaving them both on, however.Frank didnt speak, taking down his jeans, being sure to leave his boxers on, ray mimicing the same. Frank straddled rays hips, their dicks only separated by one milimeter of fabric. He rolled his hips down, grinding his cock against rays, they simultaneously let out a loud, thick groan. "Fuck- frankie-" ray moaned beneath him, hips bucking up against franks hips, riding out the feeling as they grinded their hips together.They rode out the pleasure together before frank felt like he was going to cum, bucking his hips down against rays, he could tell from his boyfriends ragged breathing and face that he was close."I wanna- im gonna cum-" he whined, ray nodded as he felt his hips stagger and his own load shooting into his underwear. They whimpered and moaned together, hands interlocked as they grinded against eachother. Frank rode out his high with his head rolled back and his whines at full volume, he didnt care if the neighbours heard."F-fuck" frank grinned as he breathily spoke, his eyes locked with rays. "Youre incredible frankie" ray repeated, stroking his thumb gently over his bruised ribs."Let me take care of you love" ray spoke, gently flipping frank over to lay on the bed as he stroked his hair, frank was clearly dropping into a different headspace. Ray found clean boxers and a hoodie in their drawer, placing them next to frank as he went to the bathroom to find wipes.He came back to frank who was in a visibly different state of mind now, his eyes welling as he stared at the roof. Ray sat next to him and took his hand quickly. "Whats wrong love?" He cautiously asked, stroking his palm with love."Nothing- its just big emotions today" frank downplayed the emotions he was feeling, insisting to ray he was alright really, when he wasnt. He didnt know what was wrong but he suddenly felt empty and disgusting. "Thats okay frankie you have done alot of big things today- let me take care of you" he spoke, stroking his hair once again."Am i okay to help you change baby?" He softly asked, frank nodded gently, relaxing his body the best he could. Rays soft touch brought frank comfort, relaxing as his boyfriend cleaned the cum off of his thighs and changed his boxers, ray quickly changing his own before he helped frank into his hoodie and cuddled up against him, beigh careful to avoid his ribs, still tender and aching."I think im upset because i feel like i shouldnt enjoy sex" frank was working through his thoughts as his doctor had taught him. Ray looked at frank thoughtfully, pain behind his eyes. "The way i see it, is you are so strong and brave that reclaim sex as something you can enjoy" ray stroked franks hair as he spoke, holding his body close. "You think so?" Franks eyes were full of purity and hope as he looked up into rays eyes."Of course i do, love"
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Ray was in the bath, staring down at his body. He studied his curves and stomach, his scars and his stretch marks repulsed him. He was repulsive.He sipped on his bottle of vodka, eyes watery as he wished he could look beautiful. He wished he was beautiful like frank and gerard and mikey, like the people he saw on myspace and at concerts.The bath water scolded him, not that he could really feel it, anyways. He wished it would miraculously burn away his imperfections.He was in too much of a trance to hear frank return home, the buzz of alcohol fucking with his mind. He felt himself reaching for the razor, ready to press it to his thigh, hoping it would dampen the thoughts telling him he is disgusting, until he was interupted.The door slowly opened as ray made the first cut, before he knew it hands were on his shoulders and cheek, his hands being grabbed at. He realised frank was trying to take the razor from him, his thoughts zoning back in. "Hey frankie-" ray slurred, voice croaky and cracked, he had no clue he was crying.Frank was shocked by the sight, grabbing rays shoulders trying to get him to focus back in. "Love- come on- out-" frank prompted, tears welling in his eyes as he tried to coax ray out of the bath. Frank moved to pull the plug, touching the water before flinching, the water was scolding hot. "Ray-" frank insisted, the water drained around him as the colour red began to pigment the remaining water. As the water began to drift, frank realised how severe the cut was. He grabbed a towel, pressing it down over rays thigh, his body loose and carefree. The bottle of vodka was mostly empty, he held the towel down firmly.Frank was horrified, scared shitless as he held the wound, desperatley searching for his phone in his pocket. He dialled 911, voice shaky as he explained the situation. Ray didnt make a sound, he just sat there, he didnt have any emotion or life left in him, frank knew rays depression played havoc on him once he was drunk beyond his limits."I love you so much ray-" franks voice was cracking, tears flooded down his face as he desperatley pushed down on his thigh, the bathtub empty now. Rays leg was spewing blood, he hadnt meant to cut that deep. He just wanted to feel something, to feel punished and pain.Franks heart was pounding as he heard two paramedics make their way into their apartment, finding their way to their bathroom."Has the bleeding stopped at all?" The paramedic asked, shuffling frank out of the way to lift ray out of the bathtub, consiousness was slipping from him now."N-no-" frank cried, stroking rays hair as they pressed sterile rags against his thigh, covering his waist with a sheet. "Mr toro can you hear me?" She spoke softly, the other paramedic taking rays pulse. There was no answer, rays eyes still open but drifting fast. "Hes really drunk- i- i came home and he was just- in here- is he going to be okay?" Franks panic was growing worse and worse, staring at the rags which were being bled through quickly."Dont worry frank, hes going to be just fine were gonna take him to hospital and get him all stitched up, do you know his blood type frank?" The paramedic reassured, lifting ray onto a stretcher."Hes- A something- fuck i cant remember-" frank cried, stroking rays cheek as they replaced his towel with a fresh one."We can do tests at the hospital, its alright, help us clear a path to the door while we carry the stretcher okay frank?" She politley asked, frank nodded as he opened all of the doors and led the paramedics through the apartment quickly."Its going to be alright frank dont you worry". As they were in the ambulance, ray was losing consiousness even further as frank stroked circles into his palm, paramedics taking his pulse and monitoring his breathing.They unloaded him from the ambulance, rushing him off to a table as frank was led to a waiting room, shaking and sobbing as he tried to find his phone. He dialled gerards number, waiting for the rings to stop, and when they did he tried to compose himself, which failed."Frankie whats up-" gerard asked shocked at the sudden sound of sobbing on the other end of the phone. "Ray- hes- hes in the hospital- i walked in on him um- and its- so bad and- he needs a blood transfusion and-" frank was now hyperventilating, gerard interupted him. "Oh my god im on my way- frank stay calm hes in safe hands alright? Im in the area i wont be long" gerard soothed, trying his best to calm frank as he rushed to the hospital.About 10 minutes later gerard ran in, crouching infront of frank. "Can you take some deep breaths frankie, in through your nose-" he prompted, frank doing his best to follow his guidelines. They however were soon interupted by a nurse. "Excuse me, you are with mr toro right?" She asked with urgency, frank stood up."Yes is- is he okay?" He sobbed, gerard wrapping his arms over his shoulder and holding frank up as he tried to steady his breathing still. "Hes going to be fine, but we need urgent blood donations, are either of you two type O-?" She asked quickly, gerards ears perked up, nodding, before he realised he wouldnt be elligable for donation.His face dropped immediatley, now shaking his head. "Im HIV positive i am so sorry-" gerard spoke with so much pain, he felt awful that he couldnt help. Frank shook his head, he was A+, tears streaming from his eyes still. "What- whats going to happen-" frank sobbed, hoping for an answer."We have just enough for him we just- cant run out if you get what i mean- hes going to be fine, the reason he bled so much was because alcohol thins the blood and he nicked a vein, youll be able to see him as soon as the nurses are done suturing his wound" she spoke, searching for more nurses as she spoke. "Is there no way i can donate? Like no technology that purifies blood or any of that shit?" Gerard asked in a fluster, hoping for an answer. "Im sorry sir there isnt" she spoke, before dismissing herself and leaving frank and gerard to panic on their own.Frank sat back down, legs shaky and eyes red raw from crying, his heart was in his throat. "Frankie see its gonna be okay- hes gonna be fine-" gee insisted, stroking a tear away from franks face, he hissed in pain, gerard rubbing over his new piercing. "Shit- sorry- i didnt see the new piercing frankie" he spoke, stroking his hair now, trying his best to reassure him."Hes gonna be fine" frank tried to reassure himself the best he could. "Yeah- yeah he is frankie" he spoke, smiling. "Do you wanna talk about what happened? Its probably alot for you to process right now" he prompted, stroking his head gently. He nodded, leaning into his touch. "What if he was trying to-" frank couldnt actually say the words, gerard got where he was going, though."Im sure he wasnt trying to do that frankie- im sure he wasnt he loves you too much- hes very drunk remember- accidents happen" gerard was gently holding his best friend now, relaxing his body against franks who was calming down a bit. "Its gonna be alright, hes a strong guy".
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Frank eventually was forced to go home, ray had to be kept on watch for a few days, and he was so scared to leave ray alone there. Gerard had offered for frank to stay with him and mikey, he didnt wanna risk anything happening while frank was alone. He didnt wanna risk frank getting hurt.They were on the bus, ready to go back to franks apartment to grab clothes and clean up the mess, frank leaned on gerards shoulder, tears behind his eyes. "I dont like the idea of ray being alone in there" franks voice was small and pained, gerard knew to stroke franks hair and take his hand.He knew how reassuring it was to him. "When i was kept on a ward for a few weeks it was- more overwhelming than lonely- youre constantly surrounded by people- its different for everyone of course but- i promise hes being looked after" his voice was soothing and calm, gerard always seemed to talk in such a calming way.Frank looked up to him. "Are you sure hes gonna be okay there" he asked once more, eyes glossed and shaky. "Hes gonna be alright, i promise. Im really glad you called me, frankie" he spoke, hugging his best friend.Gerard and frank had bonded over their shared experiences from their abusers, late night conversations over text and sometimes in person, their shared mannerisms to protect eachother- the way they knew just how to calm eachother down. They knew they had a level of understanding for eachother that no one else did. They reached their stop, making their way to the apartment, frank stopping gerard outside the door. "Um- im just gonna warn you its a mess in here- and theres alot of stuff my uncle sent me out in my room, i was going through it all last night, can you just-" franks voice was broken and small, gerard interupted."I wont look at anything, you tell me where to avoid and i wont go there- and dont worry i can help you clean up frankie"Frank smiled, opening the door and leading him inside. He immediatley noticed the small trail of blood drops across their carpet, leading to the bathroom where he had found ray hours earlier."You go get a bag of clothes together and ill get some hydrogen peroxide to try and get that out" gerard tried to sound calm, he knew if he sounded paniced or sad it would impact frank.Frank rummaged through his drawer, finding a bunch of hoodies and joggers, one pair or skinny jeans incase they decided to go out. "Frankie?" Gerard called from the living room, frank stood up. "Yeah dude?" He called back, coming back into the living room with his bag full of clothes."Mikey just called hes having a massive flare up and cant get up- we gotta go" gerard said with a hand in his hair, expression on his face sad and paniced. "Oh shit- ive got all my shit lets go- while were here is there anything he might need which i can bring?" He asked, zipping his bag up and slinging it over his shoulder."Have you got hot water bottles? They can help with his joints" gerard asked, quickly chucking the bloody tea towel into the wash and putting away the chemicals. "Yeah we have a whole stash- we also have heat pads and really strong painkillers ill grab it all" he said, rushing to find the basket of stuff. As they arrived at gerard and mikeys apartmemt, they quickly rushed to find mikey who was stranded on the floor in the hall, tears flooding his expressionless face. "Hey mikes- fuck im so sorry i was so long" gerard spoke as he rushed to crouch next to mikey, frank following."Weve got you, were gonna get you on the couch and then we can get some painkillers too alright?" Gerard prompted, he scooped mikey in his arms with ease, gently placing him on the sofa. Frank went off to the bathroom to find mikeys medication, he also began running the hot tap on full into the bathtub.He returned with the pills, crouching next to where mikey was layed, gerard by mikeys legs. "Im running you a hot bath mikes, will that help?" Frank asked, gerard trying to help mikey bend his knees."Ye-yeah- thats where i was trying to go- thank you" he spoke through tears, legs shaking as gerard pushed up against his foot. "Can you bend your knees mikes" he asked, mikey shook his head. "Joints too sore it hurts" he spoke, shaking his head.Frank silently handed mikey his dosage, he swallowed it dry and groaned in pain as he tried to move his legs. "Can you go grab the dragon teddy in his room- and the hoodie on his bed?" Gerard asked softly, frank nodded and quickly rushed off to find the items, bringing them back to mikey. "Your bath will be ready soon okay mikes? We got you" frank stroked mikeys head as he tried to ignore the pain, squeezing onto his stuffed toy.Once the bath was ready, gerard carried him to the bathroom, closing the door behind him to help mikey into the bath. "Thank you gee" mikey cried, leaning into the hot water. Gerard smiled sadly, stroking his brothers tears away. "Dude dont thank me you know ive always got you" he reminded. "You were home late what happened?" He asked through tears and whines of pain, squeezing his hand shut as he tried to move."Um- rays been admitted to a ward its a long story, dont worry about that right now mikes" he reassured, mikey sitting up quickly. "Wait what?" He asked, shocked. "Yeah um- ill explain what happened later bro i promise, right now try and relax okay?" He spoke to his brother."Love you gee" he smiled sadly."Love you too mikes"
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"Our friend group is such a mess" frank half laughed, taking another swig from mikeys bottle of vodka. "I know right" he laughed back, gerard giggling too. "At least were all fucked up together" he added, sitting on the couch with mikey and frank."I miss ray" frank whined, gerard was quick to stroke his hair. He knew it was soothing. "I know bud i miss him too" he spoke, mikey turning to them both. "Can you tell me what happened?" He asked, grabbing the bottle again and taking another swig, before grabbing a cigarette and lighting it up.Frank sighed. "I came home, i didnt hear him and i went into the bathroom and- he was- um" frank couldnt find the right words for it."Take your time frankie" mikey spoke, words slurring a bit. He took another swig from the bottle, he wanted to numb the anxiousness."He was really drunk and was hurting himself and i called the paramedics and now theyre keeping him in hospital to look after him- they thought he was trying to kill himself- he promised me he wasnt but-" frank spoke, mikeys face changed to that of sadness. "Hes gonna be alright- im sure hes gonna be alright" mikey reassured, taking franks spare hand. "Well go and visit him tomorrow" mikey reassured, the pair taking care of him. He smiled, nodding at the pair."Are your joints okay now mikes?" Frank asked, squeezing his hands. He shrugged. "Im drunk so its numbed it but they are still really stiff-" he spoke, taking another puff from his ciggarete. "Im glad you cant feel it- im sorry though" frank spoke, gerard was now slouched on frank, the pressure comforting."I love you guys so much" franks voice was quiet, but it matched the room. The pair smiled widely, looking up to frank. "We love you too" mikey and gee said basically in sync, he giggled as he felt a tear falling down his cheek. "Frankie-" gee spoke, wiping his tear.
He giggled. "Its happy tears, im just so glad i have you guys" Ray was scared to death. He was being moved to a ward of other patients, where he would be supervised for the next few days.The next few days alone, without frankie."You can ring that bell if you need anything" the nurse spoke coldly, leaving ray in the sickly yellow room.It was a long room, the beds lined up one by one, mixtures of people with all sorts of mental conditions and reasons for being there, one of the younger people caught his eye, though.His hair was dyed black, he easily had 40 tattoos on show, covering scars and all sorts of marks, piercings that decorate his face, deep, brown eyes and a sad expression.He realised the dude was staring back at him, an angry expression now on his face. "Take a photo itll last longer" the dude scoffs, rolling his eyes before rolling over to face the other way. Ray immedlatley felt guilty, sitting up. "I promise i wasnt trying to be rude- you just have amazing ink, dude" he spoke in a panic. "Im all freaked out right now just trying to get used to being here" he added, biting his fingernails. The dude shot ray a sad smile. "Its okay dude im just playing, you never been in before?" He asked, a sad smile on his face.Rays body language shifted, he relaxed into his bed. "Uh- never been here before no" ray softly spoke, his voice was still full of negative emotion. The guy sat up more looking over at ray. "You get used to it, i promise- do you know how long you got?" He asked, voice kinda dull but still caring."A week at most, aparently. You?" He asked, the guys face dropped a bit. "Im in here for a while but- its alright im here alot" he dismissed, ray felt the sadness in his voice."Im sorry dude" ray replied, looking around the room. "Whats your name?" He asked, curiously. He paused slightly."Ronnie, you?""Ray""Nice to meet you, ray"He smiled. "Nice to meet you too"
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Ronnie and ray had been talking, chatting about music and why they were in the hospital, and they were gaining eachothers trust. He was odd for him to find someone to talk to so quickly, he felt accpeted and appreciated by his new company, he missed frank so much. The trio were all on their way to come visit him, being admitted to visit the ward as visitors. Frank had gotten one of his larger hoodies, a balloon and a teddy, he just wanted to cuddle his boyfriend for the half an hour he was permitted to stay.As they made their way onto the ward, frank rushed into rays arms, sitting on rays bed. He immediatley threw his arms around ray, who accepted his hug gratefully, his hands wrapling around frank and holding him tight. "I missed you" ray spoke, voice full of love and gentleness. Gerard and mikey came slowly behind, coming to sit next to frank too. "You are such simps you saw eachother yesterday" mikey teased, gerard shoved his shoulder. "I dont even care" ray grinned, holding frank tight. "Are you feeling okay?" Gerard asked sweetly, happy to see his friends so happy together."Im okay just- stressed out its not great here- ive been talking to someone though which has been nice" ray smiled, frank kissed him on the lips and then the forehead. "How your leg feeling babe?" Frank asked, sad smile plastered to his face. "Its fine" he lied, wanting to move away from the topic, a noise crashed behind them. "Dude your back!" Ray called to the man who walked through the door.They turned to face the person who walked in, gerard and mikeys face dropped, he stood up and backed away. His heart pounded, nausea building in his stomach. Ronnie stood still, jaw dropped, ray and frank visibly confused. "What the fuck are you doing here" ronnie asked, voice in a whisper, horrified. Gerard backed away, making his way for the door as mikey walked closer to ronnie."Whats going on?" Ray asked, confused, frank watching the situation unfold. Gerard rushed out of the room, mikey swinging a blow to ronnies face as frank stood up. He hit the floor, sitting with a bloody nose as he stared back up at mikey. "You go near my friends again and ill fucking kill you" he spat, chasing gerard out of the room as nurses swarmed to the situation."What the fuck?" Frank spoke, standing with his face dropped, ray equally as confused. "I have no idea- ronnie what the fuck?" He asked, nurses swarmed around him. "Thats my ex, hes a cunt, what the fuck were you doing speaking to him?" Ronnie stood, walking towards ray, nurses restraining him. Frank froze. "You are the one that hurt gee?" Frank gritted his teeth together, hands balled in a fist. "Hes a liar" ronnie spat back, before the nurses and a security man dragged him to a separate room. Ray just looked at frank in despair, confused and shocked to the core. Gerard had ran to the bathroom, finding the closest bathroom and crouching to his knees, throwing up as his head spun and his heart pounded. Mikey soon followed behind him, running as fast as he could with his joints. "Gee- gee?" Mikey called as he entered the bathroom, he immediatley saw gerard on his knees, cubicle door unlocked.He crouched next to his brother, being careful not to touch him. "Its mikey okay im not going to hurt you, can i hold your hair back?" Mikey quickly asked, gerard hardly nodded. He rushed to grab gerards long hair, holding it back behind his ears as he threw up, he gently placed a hand on his back and gently rubbed as he continued to throw up. "Hes gone, were not going back in there, its alright gee" he repeated, hugging his brother tight as he sobbed.His mind shot back to how ronnie had hurt him, all the times he had hurt him and abused him, all he could do is focus on his brothers warm hug. Mikey grabbed tissues with one hand, wiping his face and mouth, hoping itd help him feel slightly better. His body shook against mikeys, he was full of rage. "Its alright, its alright dude he isnt coming anywhere near any of us anymore" mikey repeated, stroking gees shoulder as he held him."Its gonna be alright gee"
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After ten minutes ray and frank came to find mikey and gerard, and when they did, ray burst into tears. He crouched next to where gee and mikey were huddled, mikey looking up."Im so sorry- im so sorry i didnt know it was him-" he sobbed, trying to fight the urge to hug gerard, but he knew not to. "Ice" frank spoke, taking a block from a small plastic cup and holding it to gerards wrist. "Weve got you" he spoke, resting his forehead against his shoulder. "You didnt know- its okay" mikey spoke, frank holding the ice close to gerards wrist. "Focus on the cold gee" he spoke, voice calm and steady. He eventually calmed down to a point he could stand, moving to sit on the sink. "I didnt think id ever see him again" gerards voice was hoarse and shaky as he tried to keep his composure."No one will let him get to you again dude okay?" Mikey softly spoke, ray nodded as he continued trying to calm his own tears. Frank turned to face him quickly, grabbing his hand.Mikey gripped the side of the sink, he was visibly dizzy now from the rushing around and running. "Dude sit down" frank spoke, helping mikey to the floor, where gerard, frank and ray joined him. "Dont faint on me dude" gerard spoke through half tears, mikey leant onto his shoulder. "Can we just stay here for a bit i- dont want to go out there yet" gerard spoke, looking down at his lap. "We can stay in here as long as you need us to alright?" Ray spoke, stroking gerards shoulder quickly."Ray?" Gerard asked, voice small and shaky. "Yeah gee?" He asked, voice steady and sure. "What did he say to you" he asked with clear dread. He just wanted to know what ray knew. "Uh- he just acted like a normal guy- he didnt say anything about anyone from his past- he didnt say anything about- anything noticable? He just said he was in a band? And that hes here cus he had a drug overdose" ray spoke, voice calm and steady to try and keep gerard reassured.He nodded, taking a deep breath as he processed the information. "He overdosed?" Gerard asked with sad eyes, mikey looked at him with dread. "Gee you arent thinking about this" mikey sat up, his eyes widening."Is he okay?" Gerard asked ray he stopped. "Gee you cant feel sad for him, hes a monster" mikey spoke, interupting ray before he could even talk. Frank sat forward."its okay that you still care about him" he said to gerard, voice plain.Ray and mikey fell silent, looking at frank as he spoke to gerard. "Its okay that you care if hes alright or not, wether you love him or hate him or whatever- he was still a big part of your life- its okay to feel grief if bad shit happens to people- especially if youve seen a good side to those people too" frank spoke, they heard the pain in franks voice as he reassured gerard."When my uncle got locked up the first time i sobbed for fucking days, dude" he noticed gerards eyes widening and paying attention closely as frank spoke, so he decided to carry on. "Even though he was the worst thing that ever happened to me and he did all that shit- i still cared wether he was okay? Hes still my uncle- he was the guy that bought me a playstation on christmas when i was 9 and got me comic books and read them to me- he taught me how to ride a bike and used to bring me hot soup when i was sick- you still have the positive memory ascociated with them that makes us attatched" franks voice was strained as he tried to hold back tears.Ray, mikey and gerard had all fallen silent, staring at him, gerards eyes glossed over and shaking. "Youre right" gerard whispered, sitting up from the wall he was leant against, putting his arms out to quickly hug frank."No ones ever put it like that before" gerard whispered, frank holding him close. He let out an exhale, glad he was talking sense and he stroked the nape of gerards neck."Its okay you feel this way" frank started. "It however doesnt mean they deserve your pity or care, okay gee? Youre allowed to feel like that, but he doesnt deserve your worry, he deserves nothing"Gerard didnt speak but frank could hear him thinking to himself that he didnt deserve ronnie, on loop in his head. Frank turned to look at mikey, who was inspecting his hand as it began to bruise. "Dude are- you okay?" Frank asked, gerard pulled away from his deep hug to look at where frank was now staring in shock, he didnt see how bloody and bruised his knuckles were before. "Yeah" he blatantly lied, trying to deflect the situation."Thats a broken hand if ive ever seen one" ray spoke, shuffling over to hold mikeys hand in a gentle touch, he hissed in pain. "Broken" ray spoke, looking at the swelling. Gerards eyes watered. "Why did you hide that- i knew you hit him hard but fuck mikey-" gerard almost yelled, shocked at his brothers injury. Mikey didnt look upset, he smiled slightly."Worth it"
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
Ray got dismissed from the ward after he had proven he was no longer in a mental state deemed dangerous, and frank was too scared to let him out of his sight. Gerard was still recovering from seeing ronnie again, frank and gerard spent alot of time at the coffee shop, even helping out when it got to its busiest.Right now, frank and gerard were laying on the sofa together, laughing as they looked through job openings, they were losing interest, though.Frank began noticing how tired gerard was, yawning and slow blinks as he fought to keep his head up. "Hey gee?" Frank asked quietly, he wanted to keep his voice down so he could have a private conversation. "Yea frank? You okay?" He replied with worry. Frank shuffled closer and took a deep breath."The other day at the hospital- how are you feeling about it?" He softly asked, resting his head on gerards shoulder. "Its scaring me that i saw him but- im okay frankie, its just triggered alot of nightmares i havent slept much but its okay" he spoke calmly to frank, a small smile on his face. "Thank you for being there for me, frank" he added, leaning into franks touch."Im sorry youre having nightmares" his voice broke, eyes looking up to gee. "When was the last time you slept properly?" He added, looking up with that same caring look he always gave gee when he was struggling. He began flicking his finger against the sofa, looking back down to frank. "I got 2 hours last night but- woke up, nightmare freaked me out and i couldnt get back to sleep" he quietly spoke, the more frank examined gerards face he realised how sunken and purple his eyes were. Frank sighed softly."You wanna have a nap now?" Frank asked gently, leaning into him again. "Here?" He asked with an exasperated laugh. Frank smiled. "Yeah- weve still got two hours, and its quiet. You can lay on my lap if youd like, ill be here if you wake up" frank smiled back, he could see the cogs whirring in gerards head, deciding wether he wanted to."Okay" he whispered, frank shuffled to the side to make room for gerard on the sofa, he leant his head on franks thigh. "This okay?" Gerard asked, looking up to frank. "Of course, ill wake you up when its time to go, alright?" He spoke, taking his jacket and laying it over him. All gerard did was smile, before he closed his eyes and fell alseep within minutes. Mikey and ray saw there were no customers that needed help, so they both made their way over to gee and frank. They both had massive grins on their faces, walking quietly. "Hes sleeping?" Mikey smiled, frank carefully nodded.Ray leant over, pressing a long kiss into franks lips before placing a small one on his forehead. "You want a coffee babe? We just got in a new pumpkin syrup" he smiled, frank could see how in love ray was, it warmed his heart."Id love that, thank you babe" he smiled, speaking in a hush to keep gerard asleep. "Do you guys wanna go to this concert tonight? Its a small bar gig, 5 dollars a ticket? I dont recognise the band names but aparently they are great" frank whispered, mikey and ray grinned. "Hell yeah" ray spoke, trying to stay hushed through his excitement. "Id love to" he smiled, shifting on his feet to take the pressure off of his knees."And they have seating mikes so if you are in too much pain we can chill there" he smiled, finally feeling relaxed and happy with his friends. He wasnt thinking about his uncle, he wasnt thinking about his PTSD or his trauma. He felt happy.
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They had so much fun at the concert, going back to ray and franks apartment after as they were too far from mikey and gees, they were all exhausted and drunk."You are so cute" frank slouched onto ray as he giggled, tryint to get up the stairs. "Says you, frankie" ray laughed as he fumbled with the keys to try and open the door, mikey and gerard slumping against the wall as they laughed about god knows what.As they got the door open, gerard crashed onto the couch and mikey joined him, frank pulling ray into a deep kiss. He pulled frank closer as he slid his tounge into his mouth, gee making an aww sound. "Dude we dont wanna see that" mikey groaned as frank pulled away from ray just enough for there to be a gap. Frank was on his very tip toes as ray bent down to be close to frank."But hes so pretty" ray slurred, frank grinning ear to ear. "You two can sleep out here- we have pillows and blankets" frank stumbled to the cupboard to get them out, mikey and gee cuddling together on the sofa, nearly asleep now. Ray tucked them in, before pulling frank into the bedroom and pressing a kiss into his lips, earning a whine from him. "I meant it" ray whispered as he kissed frank. "What?" He asked, grinning as he pressed his face to rays. "That youre pretty" he slurred, drunk out of his mind.Frank felt butterflies storming in the haze of numbness inside of him, smiling up at ray. "You sweet talker" frank grinned as he grinded his dick into rays thigh. It earned a whimper from him, ray grinding back."Frankie- i cant- youre drunk" ray spoke, pressing a kiss into his forehead. Frank could only whimper. "Fine- im- im gonna get myself off- and youre gonna get yourself off" frank slurred as he stumbled to the drawer with the sex toys, pulling out a dildo and a vibrator, chucking them down onto the bed."Honey- oh fuck-" ray whimpered, chucking himself on the bed and grabbing the dildo, sloppily taking it into his mouth and sucking, causing frank to whine loud, the sight of rays lips wrapped around the dildo. "Want you to do that to me" frank whined, sitting on the bed infront of ray who was now trying to pull his jeans down, shoving the dildo into his hole without bothering to finger himself open. He let out a groan as his prostate was quickly stimulated.Frank thought he was going to implode, he quickly took his pants off, sucking on his finger before he took a deep breath, slowly working a finger into himself, focusing on the feeling of something inside of him.Ray looked at frank intently, watching his body language shift from horny and relaxed, to slightly uncomfortable and anxious. He focused on the feeling, but it was too familiar. He took his finger out, staring into space for a while as ray sat forward, discarding his toy to the side of the bed, sitting forward to sit infront of frank. "Hey- frankie-" ray spoke broken, not touching frank yet.Franks breathing was deep but still steady, he was controlling his breathing. "Were stopping here" ray insists, tears welling in his eyes. Frank couldnt speak, he was frozen and trying to steady himself, ray was proud of the efforts he made despite how intoxicated they were. "Can i touch you darling?" Ray spoke, slurred but the adrenaline from his worry sobering himself up. Frank didnt reply, blankly staring infront of him."Frankie?" Ray asked, stroking over his knee, frank didnt react. He just stared, and all ray wanted was to understsnd what was going on in franks head. Ray slowly took frank into a soft hug, not holding him tight, pulling up both his and franks jeans."I love you" ray whispered, repeating the words until frank fell asleep in his arms. Ray didnt know what to do, he felt disgusting, he felt like he had violated frank. All he could do was hold him until he woke up again in the morning. As frank awoke he felt numb, couldnt feel his head or his body. He felt lightheadded and numb inside and out. He felt like he couldnt talk, he just looked up at ray, blank expression. Ray was already awake, he was looking down at frank, worried look on his face.Before he knew it, frank was getting up and rushing to the bathroom, kneeling over the toilet and throwing up, his hangover quickly settling in. Ray had followed him, gerard and mikey rushing into the bathroom too. "Shit is he okay?-" gerard asked, concern on both mikey and gerards face. "Hangover-" ray spoke, kneelint to hold franks hair out of his eyes."Ill grab him new clothes-" mikey spoke, before ray jolted up, remembering the dildo and vibrator splayed on the floor. "Uh- dont go in there- ill go" he spoke nervously, gerard nodding and kneeling to the floor, holding franks hair back gently as frank threw up more and more. Ray quickly returned, he was more paniced now, mikey noticed how distressed he was."Dude hes gonna be okay its just a hangover-" mikey spoke reassuringly befote ray shook his head, interupting. "I fucked up" he began sobbing on the spot. Mikey rushed ray into his arms, hugging him tightly. "Dude talk to me what happened" mikey spoke, guiding ray to the living room. Rays breathing became more distressed and more ragged. "I cant do it" ray sobbed into mikeys shoulder, he was confused but tried to disguise the emotion as strength. "What cant you do ray?" He asked calmly, stroking rays back. "Frankie- hes- i need him to get professional help" he sobbed, whole body shaking as he tried to het out his words. He stuttered and gasped for air, mikey trying to reassure ray the best he could."Thats something you can talk to him about okay ray? Thats an understandable and valid request, his mental health is struggling and its okay for you to feel affected by that" mikey spoke carefully, choosing his words selectivley. "We- i dont want to share details its- not my place- but- it hurts so much to see him- like this-" he sobbed, tears soaking mikeys shoulder. Mikey saw alot of himself in ray, he saw the toll it took on him emotionally to see his loved one through abuse, through the aftermath."It hurts so much, i know dude, deep breaths with me please" Back in the bathroom, gerard was helping frank lean against the wall, confused by his empty stare. "Are you okay frankie?" He asked, wiping franks mouth for him.No response."Frankie? Can you hear me?" He asked again, stroking franks knee now, hoping for an answer.No. Response."Frank" he spoke, touching his shoulder now.All frank did was blankly stare infront of him.Gerard recognised this expression, he recognised the emptiness and the pain radiating off of him.Until frank started laughing to himself."Frankie, whats funny?" Gerard asked, placing his hand on franks knee as he tried to decipher what he was feeling. He grinned as he began crying, the mix of tears and laughs a paradox. "Whats wrong frankie, say something, please" gerard asked more paniced now."Im so pathetic"
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
Gerard felt tears welling in his eyes, instructing frank to stay there as gerard rushed to where mikey and ray were. They were cuddled together on the sofa, mikey soothing ray. "Guys bathroom- now" gerard spoke, rushing back to where frank was sat."Whats going on?" Ray frantically asked, crouching infront of frank as he stared blankly infront of him laughing to himself. "Why the fuck is he laughing?" He asked even more determined for answers.Mikey froze, pulling his phone out of his pocket. "This happened before with gee, ima call an ambulance" mikey spoke, crouching beside frank. Rays eyes widened. "What the fuck is happening" he demanded now, cupping franks cheeks as he spoke to mikey and gerard."Ray stay calm hes gonna be okay, hes gonna be just fine, i need you to tell me what happened last night" mikey spoke while dialing 911, holding the phone to his ear. "We were just fooling around and- i said i dont wanna go further cus- we were drunk- but- he- fuck i cant breach his privacy dude its not up to me to tell you" ray cried, shaking his head."You two did stuff" gerard filled in the blank, ray nodded, gsrard had a deeply uncomfortable and upset look on his face, one that was hard to decode. "I didnt touch him- i swear" ray insisted, gerard nodded, understanding more of what happened."He did stuff he hasnt done before and he just froze and didnt say anything- i couldnt get him to speak and he was doing exactly what hes doing now just not laughing and- he fucking- he just fell asleep so i didnt- i waited up incsse something hapoened and was gonna speak to him about it in the morning-" ray was now hyperventilating, shaking as he tried to get his words out, but they came out in one undecodable mess."Ray slow down, hes going to be okay i swear- were getting professional help okay? This isnt your fault, it isnt his fault. This is just how traumas gonna be sometime okay ray?" Gerard spoke quietly as he hugged ray, mikey talking on the ohone to the paramedics."Frankie why are you laughing?" Gerard asked cheerfully, trying to convince him to speak. Frank grinned. "Because i fucking feel stupid, and its funny" he smiled as he cried, mikey getting up to let the two paramedics in, hearing them outside. "Frankie we have visitors, okay? They are gonna help" gerard spoke, faking a smile to reassure frank. Ray was sobbing as he stroked franks hand, devastated at the words he was speaking."Are they gonna hurt me?" Frank frowned, eyes still streaming with tears. "No- no baby, they are gonna help you feel good again okay?" Ray insisted, wiping franks eyes. Mikey brought through two paramedics, they had smiles on there faces, one was familiar. She had helped ray two weeks earlier, when he had relapsed."Hi sweetie, can you tell me your name?" She spoke, gerard and ray shuffling over to make room for her to crouch infront of frank. "Frank" he slurred, tears falling as he stared infront if him, examining her face. "I know you" he smiled, tears still flowing. She smiled softly. "I was here a little while ago for your roommate wasnt i" she spoke reassuringly, frank giggled."Hes my boyfriend" he spoke, tyrning to ray. "I dont know why though- im fucking pathetic" he laughed in a self depricating way, squeezing his palm shut tightly, ray broke down more at this, gerard shuffling to hug ray from behind, the bathroom had limited space. "No you arent frankie" ray sobbed, frank turned to him. "Frank, whats made you feel like this today?" The paramedic softly asked, gently taking franks hand and stretching it out so his nails were no longer in his palm.He laughed to himself. "Ill never be normal" he spoke, ray couldnt physically stand to see his boyfriend like this. "Ill never be a functioning, normal human being all because of my inability to get over my past" he sobbed, the smile fading to a frown. "Right frankie were gonna help you feel like you can move on from your past, alright? Come with us, can you stand up?" She kindly asked, frank shook his head. "Im not leaving ray, hes sad" frank spoke, frowning and turning to his boyfriend."Whats wrong ray?" Frank asked sitting forwards, clueless to why ray was distraught. Ray had to stop himself from yelling at frank for not understanding, but he knew he couldnt help it, he put on a calm voice as the paramedic and gerard had been doing. "Because frankie, you arent all of these horrible things youre saying about yourself. You are perfect- and- i love you so much" ray sobbed, frank taking him into a hug."I thought i was getting better, and im not, im pathetic" frank spoke plainly, as if it was common sense. "Im coming with you, i wont leave your side until you feel better, okay frankie?" He sobbed, stroking his face with a delicate touch, he could see the sheer pain behind franks eyes."You ready to come with us frank? Well get you some people to get you happy and healthy again" the padamedic spoke cheerily, she was trained to be apathetic to mental health breakdowns, but you could still see the pain behind her eyes."Yeah, okay" he spoke plainly. He was finally getting help.
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
Frank had been admitted to a mental health facility up state, and it was taking time for him to adjust. He cried himself to sleep every night, sobbing as he layed in the empty bed, all he could focus on was the cold space beside him.He had been opening up to talking about his past with his new therapist, although it had taken a few sessions of silence mixed with panic and distrust.The nurses there were nice enough, but he wasnt allowed to smoke, drink or have any of his piercings in, and the worst one was he wasnt allowed privacy. He was forced to wear gowns, thin and flimsy, he wasnt allowed to sleep with the door closed, cameras dawned every corner of every room he had access to, it was not easy for him to accept.The worst part for him was the lack of privacy in the communal showers. He wasnt allowed access to a private one, and although there were 2 walls and a waist height curtain, there was minimal privacy for him to feel safe. Ray was only allowed to visit between 1 and 3pm every day, and it was a long travel for him, mixed with work it became harder and harder. When he did see frank, it consisted of alot of cuddling and tears, gerard and mikey tagging along every other time too, they missed their friend.Gerard knew how tough it could be in those places. How little respect you got, how the other people around could become violent or say something triggering. How little privacy you got, the constant check ups and doctors appointments- the blood work- it was so unpleasant. But at least frank was getting help.Today he decided to eat breakfast in the communal space, his bedroom simply reminding him of how empty his bed was. He felt himself healing, despite the lack of privacy. It felt amazing to tell someone in depth the gruesome, horrific shit that had happened to him with no judgement, no worry of wether theyll be disgusted and leave.The food was disgusting, and no matter how small his appetite was, he was forced to eat 3 meals a day, on time with everyone else. He sat alone at a table, staring down into his soggy cereal, before he felt a prescence beside him. "Youre new arent you" a voice spoke beside frank, before he turned to look at the person who had spoke to him.His hair was long, brown and curly, his body covered completely in tattoos. His face seemed welcoming and friendly, so frank decided to engage with him. "Yeah, only been in a week, i havent seen you before" frank spoke dryly, not knowing wether he could trust the person. "I was in containment" he plainly spoke back, smiling at frank. He shuffled over, why the fuck had this loon been in containment-?He laughed to himself. "Dont worry i didnt do anything bad- i just got caught trying to smuggle fags in here" he laughed, before frank relaxed again. "Whats your name?" He asked, taking a massive bite out of his panini. "Frank, you?" He asked, taking another spoon of his disgusting cereal."Im oli" he smiled through his mouthful, holding his hand out to frank, who reluctantly took it in his, shaking. "Why are you here?" Oli asked plainly, turning to face the wall as he ate.Frank was reluctant but he had been prompted by the staff when he arrived to speak to other patients about why he was there, it was good for processing, aparently."Got raped as a teenager and he came back and got me again about 2 months ago" frank spoke, disconnected snd no emotion as he spoke. Oli sighed. "Sorry dude thats awful- did you know him" he pryed, frank turned to face him. "I dont wanna talk about this now, dude- anyways what about you?" He spoke back, looking at him with a glare, but it wasnt full of much anger at all."Eating disorder, bipolar, got really depressed and tried to end it, been here for 8 weeks" he spoke blandly, unphased by the information. Frank sighed. "Im sorry dude- you getting better or is it not helping you here" he spoke genuinley, eating more of his soggy cereal. "Not really, i just keep having manic episodes and then getting myself in trouble, but hey its fine- you look punky kid, what kinda shit u into?" He asked, frank frowned. "Music, that is-" he laughed to himself.Frank smiled as he began to talk to oli. Maybe it wasnt gonna be that bad here afterall. Ray was in his joggers and had a spare hoodie on him, he had roses and love letters, dated with various days when ray was working and wouldnt be able to see frank. He was alone this time, he was holding back tears the entire train ride there.As he signed in at reception, he rushed through to the visitation room hoping to see frank as soon as possible. He locked eyes with frank who was sitting at the table alone, and before he knew it ray was running to hug frank close. Franks body melted into rays, he immediatley broke down. "I miss you so much" was the only thing frank could say, ray laced his fingers through his hair."Dont cry baby youll make me cry-" ray choked up, stroking his boyfriends neck. "You got me roses" frank grinned through his tears. "Sit down love" ray nodded as he spoke.He sat down on rays lap, hugging him so tightly. "How is it all going here love?" He asked, pressing kissed into his forehead. "Im talking about it more, they started me on medication, i got diagnosed with C-PTSD instead of PTSD- its been alot and i havent talked to any of the other patients until today-" he spoke with sadness in his voice, but there was an ounce of hope.Ray had never heard of C-PTSD, but he was glad he was being medicated. "Can you tell me what exactly C-PTSD is baby? Im sorry-" ray spoke softly, stroking his forehead. Frank pressed a kiss to his lips to interupt him. "No apologising, i didnt know what it was until now either" he spoke against rays lips, they didnt care who watched them."Its complex PTSD, it just means that ontop of PTSD symptoms, i have a really deep rooted self hatrid and alot of self blame for what happened, it intensifies alot of the symptoms too, ususlly happens after more 'extreme' trauma" he explained shyly, frowning. "I guess it explains alot" he added, looking up at rays watery eyes."How do you feel about it?" Ray asked softly, getting the basket of stuff off of the floot. "Im okay, its- alot to process but i have alot of time to think" he smiled sadly. "Whats in the basket?" Frank smiled. "Its already been through security, i made you letters, only open them on the dates written on there okay? And my hoodies in there, youve been given permission to have it, i had to take out the drawstrings, though".Frank was grinning ear to ear, he kissed ray passionatley. "Fuck i love you-" he sobbed, kissing ray again and again. "I love you too hunny" he spoke, holding him close."You met anyone cool here?" He asked curiously, stroking franks hair delicatley. He nodded into his touch, pulling away and smiling. "I only spoke to someone for the first time today- but- he is really nice- hes called oli- came and sat with me while i ate breakfast, hes nice" he snuggled back against ray, holding him as close as he could."Maybe we can meet him once you get to know him better, gerard and mikey sent their best by the way" he added, stroking his hair once more. "Tell them i love them" he replied, muffled into rays shirt.They talked and cuddled for the whole two hours, frank felt sick when ray had to leave, the minute he did, he broke down sobbing.A nurse approached frank, standing infront of where he was sat. "Frank, come with me, we can talk in one of the private rooms alright?" She spoke kindly, picking up franks roses and the basket full of things. "O-okay- i just- why cant he stay longer" he cried, begging her for an answer. "Its the rules im sorry, i dont decide whats allowed" her voice was sunken, she genuinley cared.As she sat frank down, she decided the best thing to do was to go through the stuff with frank. "You wanna put on the hoodie?" She smiled, eyes glossy as she handed him the oversized jumper. Frank grabbed it and put it on quicker than he ever thought was possible. He smelled it, he had clearly sprayed his cologne on there, which made frank smile through his tears.He quickly pulled it over his head, feeling comforted by the fabric over him. "Young love is so adorable" the nurse spoke, a sweet smile directed at frank as she got a paper cup for the roses to stand in, handing him a pile of letters and photos. He got a minor flashback to when ray haf handed him letters in the past, the contents inside of them full of corrupt and disgusting things.He took them and held them in his hands, looking at the pile of photos. The first was a selfie of ray and frank from the concert they had been to with gerard and mikey, a selfie of them in bed one morning, some cute photos of ray and mikey at work, photos of frank curled up asleep on rays lap. "Im so in love with him" frank muttered below his breath. A smile glued to his mouth."Use that as your motivation, when youre out of here, you have him back" she smiled. "And of course for yourself, you deserve inner peace, frank" she reassured, handing him a teddy from the box. Frank recognised it immediatley, it was mikeys stuffed dragon he always had when he was struggling. More tears fell froom his eyes, he grabbed it and hugged it tight, tears dripping into his stuffed animal."Is that your boyfriends?" She asked gently, frank shook his head. "My best friends" he spoke, nuzzling into it. "Theres a bunch of comic books in here too- and a drawing" she smiled, picking it up to see. Frank hurried to look at it, he grinned widely when he realised it was a drawing of the four of them, curled up on a couch, he recognised the talent anywhere. "Its my other best friends, he mustve drew it for me" he spoke, eyes streaming. "It sounds like you have a very loving support circle through this, frank" she smiled, she was so happy for frank."I really do"
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Hi guysIvs got alot going on at the moment and theres been alot of rlly hard shit happen the last few days and im probably not going to post for a while, this series isnt forgotten, im just doing awfully and im not in a good headspace to write positive and good quality workJust a heads up ofcIll be bacl soon ✌️🤌
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"Frank calm- down-" the nurse struggled, pinning him by the wrists to his bed as he struggled more. "If you dont calm down were going to have to sedate you again-" she demanded, frank had no clue where he was. All he could feel was his uncle.And pain, alot of pain. The nurse eventually let go of him and called for higher security, who rushed in and calmly crouched around where frank was now curled on the floor. "Tell me what happened" the doctor who now walked in spoke to the nurse, she explained how frank had resisted and she pinned him, and the doctor glared."You dont ever pin someone down when they have ptsd you should fucking know that" the doctor spat at the nurse, before turning to crouch infront of frank, flapping his hand to signal the security to back off.He sat cross legged infront of frank, who was curled against himself, grabbing his hair tightly as he whispered sobs and pleads, begging for no one to hurt him."Hey frank, if you can hear me can you give me a thumbs up?" The doctor spoke calmy, voice loud but soft. No response. He turned to the nurse who was now standing there aimlessly, tapping her leg with anxiety. "Pass me that hoodie on the bed, and that dragon, also hand me the photo on the wall" the doctor spoke, before she quickly followed his instructions and handed him the items.The doctor gently took franks hands from his hair, placing them on the hoodie and tucking the jumper against his stomach, frank grabbed at the hoodie and pulled it to his chest. He then tucked the stuffed toy against his knees, frank was still grasping against the hoodie, face now buried in it."Frank, you are in a safe place, can you hear me?" He asked patiently, pressing a hand to franks knee. He nodded slightly, still burying his face into his jumper. "Good, you are safe frank, there is nothing here thats going to hurt you. No one here will do anything to hurt you, everything we are doing is in your best interest- we arent going to restrain you so please cooperate and dont resist" the doctirs voice was steady still, apathetic to the sight infront of him.Frank nodded again, tears flooding his face as he looked up. "What happened, frank, what triggered you" the doctor asked softly, handing frank the dragon, he quickly took it and held it to his chest as he shook. "I hate living-" frank sobbed, squeezing onto the toy as much as he could."Can you tell me what makes you feel that way, frank?" He questioned, frown on his face. "I cant stand the idea of being in this body- how the fuck is someone else supposed to love me if- i dont love myself- i need to know how to love myself" he sobbed, shaking still as he relaxed his body more, remembering what he had been taught."Frank thats progress, you aknowledged the fact you need to work on your self worth. That is alot of progress. You deserve to feeo comfortable in your body, what is making you feel disgusting, frank? Because you most certianly arent" the doctor praised, placing another hand on franks knee.Frank took a deep breath. "I dont like what he did to this body, if i could have a new body it would fix so many of my problems- i dont want to look in the mirror or even see myself- it got better for a while when i had my boyfriend with me- he helped my self esteem so much- and for some reason it all crashed when i had that mental breakdown- i just- i hate looking at myself" frank cried, burying his face in his knees again."Thats valid to feel, frank, its understandable with all youve been through. But, thats a thought we need to work through together so we can help you find ways to process those emotions" his voice was professional to a degree but he still managed to comfort frank with his soft tone."I want to love myself" he cried, squeezing onto the hoodie now. "I know you do, frank, you are incredibly brave for talking about this with me right now, thats amazing progress"Frank nodded, wiping his tears on his arm, looking up at the doctor. "Can i call ray? I really want to speak to him- its- i need to speak to him" he begged, eyes wide as the doctor nodded. "Come on, itll be supervised but you can call him" the doctor spoke, helping frank off of the floor with gentle touch. As he sat in the room with the telephone, a nurse sat across from him. "Im right here if you need a hug, hun" the nurse spoke to frank, he smiles at her. "Thank you- so much-" he spoke as he dialled his number. Ray was out doing the food shopping, trying to focus on buying food that didnt remind him of frank, as his phone rang. He pulled it out of his pocket, seeing the number of the hospital on his phone. He quickly picked up the phone, a rush of panic through him."Hello this is ray is everything okay?" He asked with a formal voice, the panic seeping through.Frank was relieved to hear his voice. "Its me, babe" frank spoke through tears, shaking as he held back tears.Ray paniced more. He knew the sound of his sobs anywhere. He had heard it one too many times. "Honey whats the matter? Talk to me" ray asked, holding back tears immediatley."I had an episode and i just needed to hear your voice- im- i worked through some stuff this morning but- when i got back to my room i just- broke down- ray i miss you so much" he sobbed again, breaking down again.Rays heart shattered as he heard his boyfriends pain over the phone. Knowing he couldnt do anything to comfort him. "Im so sorry angel- im so- sorry i cant be there right now- do you wanna talk to me about what set you off?" He asked, masking the pain in his voice as a tear rolled down his cheek, unbothered at the fact he was in a supermarket."I um- i was speaking to my therapist- about my self esteem issues, about how much i cant stand being in my body and how i feel worthless all the time- and i thought i was good and processed alot of stuff but- i went back to my room and just realised how much i hate myself, it was- really overwhelming- and i guess i just started focusing on the fact i hate everything and then it drifted to why- and then i just lost it" frank explained through sobs. He felt so guilty for telling ray, he was supposed to be getting better not worse.Ray couldnt speak, a sob erupted from his throat as he felt himself sit onto the floor of the aisle, he couldnt hold back his tears at the thought of frank hating himself. "You are so so perfect frank there is no reason for you to feel that way" he sobbed, breathing all over the place."I just do- im working on it- i promise- i just really- needed to hear your voice- i feel happier now i know ive got you here" he cried, the nurse moving to sit beside frank, wrapping her arm over him in a hug."Im so proud of you for being this strong, baby- im so- so proud of you- i need you to say it, though frank" he spoke, confusing him."Say what, baby?" He asked back, leaning into the nurses touch."Tell me you are beautiful and that everything that happened doesnt make you disgusting"Frank felt ridiculous, squeezing his eyes shut. "Im beautiful, and im not disgusting" he whispered down the phone, he felt odd saying it out loud."Thats your new mantra baby, every fucking mornibg look in your mirror and tell yourself you are beautiful, and i want you to call me and tell me one thing you like about yourself, can you do that for me, sugar?" Ray asked, sobbing, he had read about this method online while he was researching ways to raise self esteem, and he seemed to be convincing frank."I promise, love, i will""Good, baby""Ray i love you so much- im sorry for making you cry" he spoke through a choked sob, ray let out a breath he didnt know he was holding. "Id be an awful boyfriend if i didnt cry, frankie, dont be sorry, im crying because i love you" he spoke, a tear splashing onto his jeans."You are my fucking world, ray"
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As frank was forced to end the phone call, ray could feel his sobs getting stronger. He could feel a panic coming on, worse than usual, his throat was closing up and he felt lightheaded as he was now gasping for air as he cried.He had given up caring that he was on the supermarket floor, he couldnt hold it back or bring himself to go somewhere more private. He knew he was attracting stares, but he couldnt care.Soon however, he was interupted by a hand on his shoulder, eyes shooting up to look at the person it belonged to. The face looked familiar, he couldnt pinpoint it, however."Hey dude- dude whats up? Do you need me to call someone?" A man asked with worry, kneeling down to rays height on the floor. "My- i cant- i cant breathe" he sobbed, giving up on the original sentence he tried to speak, the guys eyes were worried and loving. "Yes you can dude, focus on me, not anything else, in through your nose, dont gasp for air itll make it worse-" he reassured, placing a hand on rays shoulder. He tried his best to folloe, but it was harder than he thought."can you tell me your name?" The man asked gently, ray tried to open his mouth but it didnt work. "Ray" he managed to get out inbetween a sob, the man placed a hand on his other shoulder, stroking with his thumb."Deep breaths ray, you are doing great, whatever has gotten you this worked up is gonna be okay, im sure theres a way to make this better" he reassured, smiling as he noticed ray take control of his breathing."Ray have you got somebody youd like me to call for you? Youre doing amazing, focus on right now okay?" He spoke, wiping one of rays tears with his thumb and the corner of his jumper."N-my friend- uh- my friends yeah" ray nodded, taking his phone out shakily, finding gerards number in his contacts. "Hes- if hes busy its okay- im- i just dont know if i can be alone right now" he sobbed, leaning into the mans gentle touch. He didnt know why he was trusting a stranger so much, his kindness spoke to him."Whats your friends name, lovely?" The man asked, taking the phone from rays hands, it was ringing. "Ge-gerard" he cried, something in his face lit up. He nodded as he heard a muffled crack from the other side of the line."Hi ray how are you?" Gerard asked on the other side of the line, the man smiling at the sound of the familiar voice. "Hey- um- its bert" he spoke, a small smile on his face.Ray lit up with all kinds of emotions. Thats where he recognised the man from. He was bert. Gerards bert, the bert they saw the first time they saw mikey and gee."Bert? the fuck are you doing with rays phone? I didnt know you knew him" gee asked confused, a twisted look changed on his face. "Ive just found ray having a panic attack at the supermarket and he asked me to call this number, didnt know it was him- or that he knew you- can you come and pick him up by any chance? Hes really shaken up the poor guy" he asked, still stroking rays shoulder as he sat on the floor of the cereal aisle with him."Of course- which supermarket? Im at the coffee shop at the moment" he spoke down the other end of the line. "God is he okay? Did he say what it was about?" He asked in a panic."No, wait ill ask, were at greenfields" bert spoke, before holding the phone to his chest. "He wants to know what happened, hes on his way" he spoke, wiping another one of rays tears as he tried to calm himself. "F-frank- tell him its about frank, hell know" ray cried, breathing steadier now. "He said its about frank?" He spoke slightly confused, he had no context or clue about who frank was. "Shit- fucking- shit did something happen to frank?" He asked, tone pleading for an answer."Ray, what happened to frank?" Bert asked again, with his phone pressed to his chest. "He- he had an episode and- called me and- hes okay it just- hurts so much" ray began to lose control of his breathing again.He repeated it back to gerard, eventually ending the call when he said he was close. As gerard jogged down the aisle, he crouched quickly infront of ray, pulling him into a tight hug. "Its okay weve got you- i know it hurts ray im so sorry" gerard spoke quietly next to his ear as he stroked rays head. "I just- i cant- i miss him so much- it hurts, so much- why cant he just love himself as much as i love him" he sobbed into gerards shoulders, bert a hand on his head."Ray, i think if frank loved himself as much as you love him he would become the most self obsessed snob that ever existed" gerard tried to lighten the mood, it worked, earning a small smile from ray."I just wish i could make it better"
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HiIm going to a ward in 2 days and have been contacted saying i wont have a phone, while im gone, spam ideas and lovely stuff for me ❤️Where do we want this to go?
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"Im sorry we had to meet that way, bert" ray apologised half through tears. His voice was so choked up and raw, he was exhausted. He smiled kindly at ray. "Dude im just glad i found you, no one deserves to feel like that and just be left there alone" he spoke, patting rays shoulder reassuringly. "Frank will be out of there before you know it ray, hes safe there, hes working through it-" gee reassured, placing a hand on his knee as he drove."Do you mind me asking what happened or is that a no go-" bert asked carefully, ray nodded. "My boyfriend is at a psych ward at the moment and hes just not doing well- i miss him- and its just really fucking hard knowing hes probably not doing amazing and im not there with him i guess" he spoke honestly, a frown on his face. "Thats understandable, im sorry dude, i can assure you though they dont take bullshit lightly in those places, hes in incredible hands, and think about how great its gonna be when hes out and hes made a fuck tonne of progress" he assures, a hand on rays shoulder from the backseat."Thank you, bert" he turned to face him, he was smiling slightly now. Eventually they arrived at gerards apartment, ray was still so shaky, so they decided to take the elevator. He was still also in shock that bert fucking mcracken found him having a panic attack in the super market, but right now he was preoccupied with frank.They sat ray down on the sofa, laying him down and grabbing some snacks, brewing tea. "Hold on im gonna go and change really quick, i look terrible" gee spoke, bert eyed him up and down, before smirking. "No you dont" he smiled, ray grinned and palmed his face. "Gay" ray drawed out, teasing bert until he realised he had only just met the guy."Shit- sorry- force of habit" he spoke quickly as bert turned to him blushed. "I didnt mean it like that i just thought he looked fine-" he turned back to gee who was now standing jaw slightly dropped. "Not that you arent attractive- i just- fuck-" bert groaned, covering his face with his hands. Gerard laughed slightly, a grin on his face that showed a little bit of embarasment. "You aint so bad yourself, bert" gee smiled before giving him a sarcastic wink from the door frame, disapearing off into his room to change. Bert sat down next to ray and cupped his face, sliding down the sofa as he let out a groan of embarasment.Ray smiled at his obvious crush, remembering what it was like in the beginning with frank. "You like him, huh?" Ray quietly spoke, smiling slightly to bert, who nodded through his hands. "Ask him out, trust me bro" ray poked his shoulder, smiling still as he felt his eyes welling up slightly. "Dude hes way out of my league, shut up" bert shook his head. Ray laughed, loud. "Bert are you crazy- he is head over heels for you" ray laughed, thinking berts ignorance was funny. "I wish, dude" he laughed, before gerard returned in what ray knew as his best hoodie and his only pair of joggers which werent covered in paint."Do you know when you can see him again?" Gerard asked ray, sitting inbetween them and leaning onto rays shoulder. He shook his head. "Dude im so tired i wish i could sleep- ive been having nightmares every night" he spoke exasperatedly, gerard sat up slightly. "Ray you shoulda told me, wait here i have something that should do the trick" gee spoke as he got up and rushed off to the cupboard.Bert watched contently as gerard pulled at least 19 bottles of medication out of his cupboard, rummaging through bottles upon bottles. "The fuck-" bert spoke, smiling slightly as gerard struggled to reach the back of the cabinet. "Gottem-" he smiled, pulling a bottle of pills out, bringing them to ray. "Take em an hour before you plan to go to sleep, will work a miracle, just dont drink on them" he spoke, bert looked really confused. Gee turned to him, a nervous laugh escaped him. "Its not as bad as it looks- it kinda is- but- we arent dealers or some shit- its all prescriptions" he spoke, bert relaxed slightly. "Was about to say-" he laughed, still looking at gerard in awe, ray couldnt help but laugh at how much bert admired him."You sure? I dont want to take them if you need 'em" ray asked, gerard closing his eyes. "Had to get stronger ones, these dont help me no more, i hope theyll help you out-" gerard spoke, realising how awkward this was with bert unaware of gerards PTSD, he didnt exactly go around telling everyone, especially people he had huge crushes on."Im sorry gee" ray spoke, bert looked upset. "Yeah- dude if you ever need anything my house is always open- day or night" bert spoke, concern in his eyes. Gerard shot him a sad smile. "Thanks bert""You needa talk about it?" Ray asked gee, he kinda tensed up. "Yeah were all ears if you do, you two seem like you could use a good talk- no pressure though-" bert spoke, placing a hand on gees shoulder. "Yeah- honestly-" he spoke, a sad smile still on his face."Need a hug?" Bert asked, he nodded, slowly shuffling to lean against bert, wrapping his arms around him as he settled down. "There is so much that i havent told you" gee laughed to bert, rays eyes widened, shocked bert knew nothing. "Dude, im all ears" Gerard told bert about everything, so did ray, they talked for hours about all of the pain and shared experiences, and bert opened up about him being trans, which in honesty shocked ray.They talked about everything, getting to know eachother better, not an ounce of judgement in the room. Meanwhile, frank was being forced to eat in the canteen, a nurse watching him from the corner of the room, until he was joined by Oli.He looked tired and his hair was unwashed, but he still had the same caring look kn his face. "You struggling dude?" He asked, eyes widening as he noticed the tear tracks on franks cheeks.Frank was choked up still, he felt like he couldnt talk. He stared back at oli with shaky eyes, tears threatening to spill as he held them back. "Mate- you want a hug?" He gently questioned, frank broke down as he nodded. Oli quickly moved to hug frank, holding him in a careful hug, uncaring that they were in the middle of the canteen."You want me to get you a cup of tea and we can talk?" Oli suggested, frank nodded into his shoulder, tears soaking into his shirt. He pulled away, grabbing a lukewarm cup of tea from the canteen kitchen, bringing it over to frank, sitting close to him as he wrapped an arm over his shoulder."Thank you oli" he smiled sadly, taking the paper cup in his hands as he let it warm him. Oli gave him a sympathetic look, stroking his shoulder. "I feel like im never going to get better" frank spoke pained, tears threatening to spill again. He quickly shook his head, stroking franks shoulder still. "No frankie" oli began, a sad look in his eyes. "You will, its going to take time but you will, and when youre in a better frame of mind you can be with your boyfriend again, and think about how chuffed hes gonna be to see you" his voice was relaxing to frank, he focused on the sweetness in his tone and his accent, it was unfamiliar but somehow felt nostalgic."And ill be here the whole time"
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Frank was slowly accepting himself.He had been following rays instructions, every morning he stood infront of the plastic mirror that was glued to the wall, eyes wandering over what was exposed of his body.As he looked in the mirror, he analysed what mirrored back at him, eyes transfixed on everything that he hated. He sighed, a tear rolled down his face, but his eyes fell onto his face. He was trying to find things he liked about himself, thinking about what he didny feel disgust from.He locked eyes with the reflection that shone back at him, settling his view into his own eyes. He made a small noise of confusion, he never, ever took the time to look at himself in the mirror. He was scared to see the scars and the marks left by his past, he was scared he would look in the mirror and see the photos his uncle had taken, just see a broken shell.He looked at his eyes, thinking to himself that he didnt hate them. They looked tired and the bags underneath made him look like hell, but he thought the colour was pretty. He had wide eyes, they were windows to the trauma inside, but he didnt hate them.He smiled sadly to himself, putting his hoodie on and the pair of joggers he was now allowed, making his way to the phone room. He dialled ray, a nurse sitting opposite from where frank was. He waited until he heard the soothing voice on the other end."Hey love, how are you?" Frank could hear rays smile from the other end of the phone. "Morning ray" he smiled back, the sound of his voice on the other end of the phone soothing him immediatley. "Im- okay, got group therapy later and im nervous, you got work today?" He asked, he wished he could be in rays arms."Im on my way to work now- remember you dont have to do anything if you get uncomfortable, call me and tell me about it later, okay?" Ray reassured, franks anxiety seeped out of his body as he spoke."I found something im okay with" frank spoke shyly, he fely kind of guilty and embarassed, but he knew ray needed to hear it. Ray made a sound of confusion, prompting frank on as he held the phone to his other ear. "I like my eyes" frank quietly spoke, looking down into his lap. He could audibly hear the grin from the other side of the phone. "Your eyes are beautiful, frankie" ray beamed, a grin on his face so wide it ached. "Im so proud of you"Frank smiled, tears welling as the crackled words came through the phone, the nurse sitting across him smiled too. "I love you ray" he sniffled, bringing the sleeve of his jumper to his nose to take in rays cologne, it was a comfort to him. "I love you too, gorgeous" ray grinned, plastered across his face still as he opened the coffee shop door and signalled to mikey, before his eyes widened, realising mikey was sitting on a chair, eyes hazy."Uh- babe ive got to go- im at work and mikey doesnt look good-" ray spoke with an edge of panic, franks eyes widening. "Fuck- i hope hes okay- i love you baby call me later, okay?" Frank frowned, worry filling him again.They ended the call, ray quickly crouched infront of mikey, who had his head in his hand as he sat on a chair in the middle of the cafe. "Mikes- whats wrong?" Rays voice was steady but concerned, he noticed the pain in his face. "Dizzy" was all he could mutter, voice slurred and unmoving from his position."Shit- can you stand dude? Lets get you layed down-" ray paniced, holding mikeys ribs as he felt him slouch down more. "Gonna faint" he groaned, holding himself up by his hands, eyes still squeezed shut, body shaking now. Ray held mikey up by his waist, resting his head against rays shoulder as he dialled gerard, putting the phone on speaker. He felt mikey go limp against his body, ray felt a panic build in his chest. He held mikeys body tighter, holding him up with more support as he tried to lift him into his arms."Hey ray whats up?" Gerard questioned, his voice crackly through the shitty speaker. "Mikey fainted-" he spoke paniced, his body weight challenging his balance. "Shit- im on my way back now is the front door unlocked?" He questioned, confusing ray. "Were not at your apartment" ray said, stroking through mikeys hair and turning his attention to checking if he was showing any signs of consiousness. Gee huffed. "Are you kidding me- where are you both?" He questioned, ray could clearly hear a car from the other side of the phone."The cafe- what do i do- i dont need to call anyone or anything do i?" Ray asked with a panic, before he wss quickly interupted. "Dude why the fuck- i told him not to go to work today- you dont need to call anyone, just lay him down on the sofa and elevate his legs" he frustratedly groaned, ray lifted him into his arms and carried him to the sofa."Did you find him passed out or did he faint with you there?" He questioned, ray bringing the phone to the sofa and turning the sign on the door to say closed. He quickly moved pillows to elevate his legs. Stroking the space inbetween his eyebrows as he tried his best to do whatever he could. "Im like a minute away, dude stay calm hell be completely fine, if he wakes up and is emotional thats normal and- just dont let him get up-" gerard spoke, hanging up the phone.A few minutes later, the door opened and gerard walked in, a frown on his face. He immediatley crouched where mikeys hands were, taking a blood sugar monitor out of a small case from his bag. He quickly pricked his brothers with the machine, it blinking with results, gerard groaned. "His fucking blood sugar is low can you go get a muffin" he spoke frustratedly, ray finding a blueberry muffin, bringing it back on a plate."Gee, you- sound mad" ray spoke kind of nervously, stroking mikeys brow bone still. Gee sighed, pinching the bridge of his nose as he squeezed his eyes shut. "It just- its frustrating. He didnt sleep last night, hes been doing so bad recently- and even though i told him to stay home he still came in, he overworks himself cus he feels like hes weak when he doesnt" gerard huffed as he stroked mikeys knee, looking back up at ray. "I worry about him so much-" the frustration was still in his voice, ray could see the pain in his eyes. "Hes my little brother man-"Ray let out a knowing sighed, he didnt know what to say back to him, but he was interupted as mikeys brows furrowed under his thumb, gerard sitting up as he noticed. "Hey mikes-" ray spoke as mikey squeezed his eyes shut snd let out a groan, rolling slightly to the side. He didnt speak but he groaned back again, slowly unclenching his eyes and opening with a squint. He moved ti try and sit up but gerard quickly pinned his chest."Dont sit up yet, do you feel sick?" Gerards voice was hushed, not being too loud and hurting mikeys sensitive ears. "No" he simply muttered back, rolling his head back to its original position. A small tear rolled down his cheek and onto the sofa, he held back a sob. Gerards eyes widened with rays, he quickly went back to stroking his forehead with his thumb. "Mikey- its okay- what do you need right now?" Ray asked, wiping the tear with the other hand. He let out a pained noise, gerard stroking his knee."Im just- fed up of it" he cried, squeezing his eyes shut."I wish there was something we could do- mikes-"
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Group therapy was.... confusing.Frank sat down, oli next to him, the chair was cold and uncomfortable underneath him. He was opposite a guy he had never seen before, but he looked deeply upset. His eyes were watery, knee tapping, hair a mess, he wore black adidas joggers and an incredibly oversized hoodie, he looked down into his lap.Until he wasnt looking down into his lap, and he was staring back into franks curious eyes. Frank mouthed 'are you okay' silently to him, and he didnt say anything back, but shot frank a sad smile.They were soon interupted, a man walking in and sitting down, he had a clipboard. Oli reached out for franks hand, squeezing it reassuringly, he knew frank was mortified."Right, today we have a few new people, the point of this session is to get to know eachother, find out who you relate to, if anyone feels uncomfortable at any point you may leave, but you will be required to talk to someone, if you dont want to talk, you dont have to but its important to try" the man blandly spoke, looking at his clipboard."Were going to start by going around and saying who we are and a bit about you and why you are here, starting with jonathon?" He asked, turning to the guy sitting across from frank. He instantly looked nervous, eyes widening as he froze. "Um- okay" he shyly spoke."My names jon- im 19, um-" he stopped, looking down, unsure of what to say, until frank heard a snigger from the side of the room, franks eyes glared across to where the noise came from. It angered him, the guy was trying his best, he clearly didnt want to be there."Carry on-" a staff member prompted, the whole room was silent. Frank didnt think the situation was helping anybody. He signed, looking back up. "Im here cus i tried to kill myself, there, that enough?" He snapped back, slouching back into his chair.The room was tense, jon looked uncomfortable and it was so unfair, frank thought.The group leader sat forwards, raisingnhis eyebrows. "Jon your here to talk about it. No backchat please" the therapist snarked now, and frank couldnt take it. He leant forwards too, strong glare on his face, as he watched the therapist prompt jon on again. "Tell everyone about you. Were here to make connections, find people you relate to" he prompted again, a slight of harshness in his voice. Jon sighed again, slouching down further. "Uh- im in a band?" He spoke unsurely, almost as if he didnt know what to say about himself. The therapist smiled slightly, nodding.The group made their way around the circle, it was soon franks turn. Everyones eyes were locked on him, it felt so scary."Uh- im frank, im nearly 20" he started, realising he wad going to spend his birthday in this shit hole, frownint before he continued. "Im here because i have c-ptsd- and um-" he spoke unsurely, he had no clue what to say to these strangers. They soon diverted their attention to oli, who was next."Im oliver, im here cus im a bit bipolar and dont really like eating if im honest" he spoke with a huge grin, holding back his own laughter. He thought it was ridiculous. "Tell us about what you like, oli, about you" the therapist prompted, he was clearly bored.Frank knew oli by now, he knew exactly what he was about to say, how he couldnt take it seriously. "You know what, i really like cock" he spoke, frank slouched down in his chair and held back a hysteric laugh, he couldnt handle how ridiculous the situation was.Various voices from the circle let out small laughs, jon being one of them. "Your accent is funny- what a faggot" someone piped up, muttering the last bit, frank looked up and it was the same person who had laughed at jon earlier. Frank sat forwards, glaring at him."I dont know who the fuck you are dude but quit it" frank demanded, oli grinned even further, jon smiled now, too. "Thats enough" the therapist piped up, glaring at frank and the other twat, the situation was so pathetic. Why did they think this was helping anyone. Eventually, after the hour was up, they were allowed to the common room, frank and oli laughing with eachother hysterically, no one took the session seriously and it felt so useless. They decided to sit near the jon kid they had seen, they wanted to see if he was okay.They slowly sat down next to where he was, face buried in a notepad. "What do you want" was all jon muttered, face buried in the book still. Frank relaxed his body, trying to make himself seem as friendly and welcoming as possible. "Youre new" was all oli said, quickly before frank could introduce himself, jon looked up."Yeah?" He spoke confused, all he wanted was to know what they wanted. "We just wanted to- come see who you are i guess- you said you were in a band- it gets lonely in here you might as well chat to someone" frank prompted, oli grinning at him, almost too friendly.Jon looked back down into his book, writing more of whatever he was writing. Frank noticed the thick, wide bandages wrapped firmly around his wrists, he remembered jons earlier words, he pieced the puzzle together. He knew his pain. "Im in a band called korn- still little, not got far" he gave in, looking up at frank, closing his book. Oli smiled.They were gonna crack him. They knew how much support he was gonna need, they were all in it together.
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Frank, jon and oli became a known trio in that hospital, they were inseperable, always doing their best to stay together when they could.They experienced their highs and lows together, they comforted jon when he managed to harm himself, they comforted oli when he had depressive and manic episodes, or when he had those days where eating just wasnt an option, and when frank was having ptsd episodes, When his self worth was at rock bottom and when he craved the sweet relief of ciggarettes and alcohol. They were so good for eachother. Frank felt really safe with them, they knew what he was going through and they supported him.Jons bans was revolutionary to frank, he admired his ability to write lyrics, he particularly connected with his new song, daddy, which he wrote when he was 13. Today was visiting day, ray was bringing gerard and mikey, they were so excited to see frank again, and meet his friends, too. Ray was particularly excited to kiss his boyfriend again, hold him and feel his warmth.The train ride up to the hospital took what felt forever, gerard always got anxious going back to wards, but he knew it was worth it to see frank. As they were let into the visiting rooms, ray was met with franks tight hug before he even knew what was happening, he held him tight and close as he pressed a kiss to his head."I fucking missed you guys" frank grinned with watery eyes, pulling off of a smiling ray and hugging mikey first, turning to hug gerard softly after. Any form of tension left in his body evaporated."Weve missed you so much" gerard countered, all 4 were dawned with large smiles now. "Come meet jon and oli-" frank grinned as he took rays hand, leading them off to the corner where the pair were slouched on a sofa.Frank noticed gerards jaw drop, he grabbed his arm. "Fuck off" he spoke shocked, frank had no clue what was happening. "Bro you didnt tell me the jon you met eas jonathon fucking davis" he snapped jokingly, trying to compose himself.Ray turned to gerard, mikey was slightly confused too. "Bro, korn?" Gerard spoke back, shocked mikey and ray hadnt heard of them.They sat in the spare chairs around them, frank leaning on rays shoulder immediatley. "Guys, meet jon and oli, thats gerard, mikey and ray" frank spoke, pointing at each individual person, gerard still look star struck. They exchanged nicities, smiles and small hi's, before gerard couldnt help himself."Dude, i love your music" gerard spoke to jon, a huge grin on his face. A small smile crept onto his face, he looked doen into his lap. "Ive never been recognised before- thank you dude" he looked back up, and gerard lookrd like he was about to explode.The now group of 6 slowly got to chatting, laughing together as ray and frank cuddled, exchanging kisses every now and then, until they were asked to leave.As ray stood up, frank looked like he was about to cry. "I promise im getting better, i miss you guys- im working on it-" frank promised, holding onto ray, mikey and gee in a group hug.Frank hadnt realised how emotional ray was, gee and mikey welling up too. "I love you frankie, were so proud of you" ray held frank close to him, running his hands through his long, shoulder length hair. He hadnt cut it since he got in."I love you too, ray, all of you" he turned to face mikey and gerard.At 3pm on the dot they were rushed out of there, and frank immediatley started crying as they left, jon and oli quickly smothering him with hugs and caresses."Theyll be back soon, mate" oli stroked through his hair, the same way he had observed ray doing minutes prior, leaning his head on franks shoulder, he nodded. "I know they will- i just- i love them so much- i really- i really miss ray- it feels empty without him at night" he sighed, a tear dropping onto jons hand, who was stroking his other shoulder."They are so kind, i get why you love them" jon gently smiled as he used his sleeve to wipe franks tears. "You are so loved, frank" Ray cried the whole way home, when he got back to his apartment it hit him how alone he was. Avoiding the fridge, he went straight to his room, curling up in a ball on the too-large- bed, and broke.Sobs echoed from his room, tears streaming into franks pillow as he shut down at the loneliness.He felt like it was his fault that frank had that breakdown in the first place. He could have told frank no. Why didnt he say no? He was selfish He was just as bad as his uncle Using frank for his own pleasure. He was a fucking abuser Ray only realised he was no longer in he bedroom when the cold feeling of tiles under his feet sprung back to reality. He only realised he was no longer in the bedroom when he looked down and saw the knife to his wrist.His eyes widened at the sight of the blood dripping down his arm, trailing in a small stream as it fell to the floor. All he could do was freeze, his body still, mind however whirring.What had he done.Fuck.His breath hitched, scrambling for a tea towel. He pressed it to the wound, realising how much thinner his arms were. It startled him, the sudden realisation was shocking.Ray reached for his phone, ringing mikey as he pressed harder.He soon had a response. "Hey dude everything okay?" Mikey asked in a knowing tone, he knew how much frank being away was effecting him.Ray took in a shaky breath. "Are you guys busy?" He asked in a concealed voice, hiding the tears and panic. He heard a rustle on the other end. "Were free as birds, whats up?" He questioned, seemingly unknowing to the pain ray was in."I dont really feel- like being alone right now- i was just wondering if i can come over, if your up for it maybe a movie?" He hoped the answer was yes. He feared himself when he was like this.Mikey rustled again on the other side joined by a pause. "Of course, gee said he will set up the couch you can sleep over, too, if thatll help?""Thank you so much, i love you guys""We love you too, dickhead"
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Frank was leaving. At last. He was held for 7 months, it took 7 months of daily therapy, antidepressants, monitoring and seperation from the real world, but he was finally considered stable enough, recovered enough, to be sent home.He was finally going to be able to sleep next to ray, wake up to his warmth next to him, he could spend time in his arms in the evenings while they talk about their days. He could spend time with gerard and mikey again, he could spend time going to concerts again and chatting at the coffee shop, maybe even find a job.The only requirements was he stayed on his antidepressant medication, and went to therapy 3 times a week. He knew it was going to be hard to adjust to real life again, but it was worth it. He was going to miss oli and jon, they didnt seem to be getting out any time soon, which worried frank. What if they never got better? They deserved to feel better. The night before he was allowed to go home, he had extensive therapies and checks with multiple staff, saying goodbye and wishing his best to everyone he knew which supported him and cared for him. He, jon and oli spent the evening in the common area, frank promising he would come to visit, holding them in tight hugs for hours upon hours. Eventually he was sent to his room to sleep, spending hours staring at the roof as he realised how overwhelming tomorrow was going to be. He would have no safety from himself. At all. It was all his own self restraint.On the plus side, he hadnt craved a cigarette in about a month, he hadnt been tempted to drown his sorrows in alcohol, he felt healthier. The marks on his thighs and arms were fading, the scars that littered his body were no longer a temptation to himself, he didnt look down and want to add more.Weirdly, he also didnt feel the need to hide them as much anymore. Its apart of him, why should he have to suffer, why should he have to wear long sleeves in the hot 90 degree weather of the summers, why should he keep a hoodie on at concerts when he was overwhelmed with the heat, why should he hide?He had learned to be accepting of himself. He felt more confident, more connected to himself. He had learned to care about the body he was in, because it was his body, his body only, not anyone elses. Regardless of what had happened to him in his past, his body was his now, so he needed to love it.He was learning, and thats what counted. He was awoken by the blinding lights of the sun, unsure of when exactly he fell asleep, but he soon felt a smile creep to his face as he sat up. He was greeted by nurses, gathering his last belongings as various people wished him goodbyes and comforts, rushing him as it was nearly 12 noon, when ray was scheduled to bring him back home to the real world.He was nervous.He felt the lump that indicated tears were about to spill was forming in his throat, choking up.Everything was so overwhelming.Bright lightsChange, sudden change.Sudden trust.How was he being trusted when just 7 months ago he wasnt a functioning human being.What if he relapsed. What if he loses his progress. What if everything he has spent working for is lost?What if he dissapoints ray. He disapoints ray.The only reason he is safe is because people are making him safe.He isnt everything hes made himself.He is just the used up piece of shit that his uncle left him asHe didnt have individuality Oli's hands on his face brought him back to reality, he realised two nurses also surrounded him. He couldnt breathe, the world was shutting down around him, spinning and muffled as his thoughts bombarded him.The nurse hushed him, placing her hand out for frank to take. "Sweetie ive seen this a million times, going back out there is scary, it will take a toll- its going to be a big adjustment but- you have amazing people here for you. You have much better support than most people ive seen, you will settle back in quickly, okay frank?" She repeated, taking her time to soothe frank as she guided his breathing, oli holding his other hand.He soon steadied his breathing, focusing on managing his inhales as he thought about her words.He sighed, looking down, "its a big change- and alot of trust- to be allowed complete freedom again" he muttered.Oli smiled. "You are going to be just fine, mate, you are a strong guy" he squeezed his hand once, franks face turned upwards into a small smile. "I know ill be alright after a while- im just scared to actually make that step- i mean- what if i fuck up everything?" Franks voice was strained and shaky still."Listen to me frank, if you make mistakes, if you relapse or if you fall back into old habits we are here to help you, your boyfriend is there to help you, your friends, the hospital, me, a few mistakes doesnt mean you are a failiure, no one will think that of you. Progress isnt a linear construct" her tone was reassuring, she had clearly done this a million times before.Frank felt a small surge of relief inside of him.Shes right.He will be okay.
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Ray was in the waiting room, being spoken to by a nurse, she was explaining what had happened that morning. He was nodding along as she spoke, but not fully focused as his eyes flickered to the door, waiting for frank to walk through.His leg tapped as he watched the door, excited to see frank at last. As he did, the door creaked open, 3 nurses escorting frank to rays side. He stood, rushing to hug frank, holding him close as he pressed a firm kiss into his forehead."Ive missed you-" ray spoke through a strain, smiling as he looked down to his boyfriend. "I missed you too-" frank grinned as he relaxed into his touch, swaying on his feet with ray.The nurses made content sounds of joy, happy that they were finally reunited. "You feeling any better than this morning? Here gimmie that-" he spoke, taking the bag off of franks back, running his hand through his hair. He let out a hum, looking back up to ray with a smile."I feel better now, yeah, i just- its overwhelming" he half smiled, looking up into rays eyes. "You ready to sign out?" He prompted, taking one of his hands. Frank nodded, the nurses leading them off to sign paperwork.He was going home. An hour or so after they arrived home, frank and ray layed in bed together, frank curled in a ball as small as he could get himself. His forehead leant against rays bare chest, the skin to skin contact was what he had been craving for months.Ray was almost purring, as if he was a lost kitten who finally found his home again. His body wrapped around franks, keeping him as warm as possible.His fingers raked through his long, brown tangled mess, he hadnt had it cut or dyed since he was admitted, ray said it suited him, the long hair that framed his face, but he prefered it black and short. He was focusing on the fact he was back in rays arms, rather than wether he could be trusted.Ray stopped his slow movements, pulling away slightly to look at franks face. "Talk to me frankie" ray prompted, he could almost hear franks mind whirring, he knew there was something bothering him.Frank let out a shaky sigh, leaning back slightly to give him space to speak. "I dont know if i can trust myself yet" he mumbled, eyes squeezed shut, ray knew he was holding back tears. He wasnt sure what frank really meant, but he knew how doubting yourself hurts so much."You dont trust yourself with what, babe?" He questioned, stroking through his hair, trying to bring him as much safety as possible. He made a small noise of content, leaning into the touch as he tried to bring himself to words."Im- just- i didnt have any way to fuck up- in there. I didnt have the choice to do anything bad, and now- i could get up, go to the kitchen right now and pour a drink. Or i could get a knife. Or- i could just- ray i dont feel safe with my own thoughts yet, i dont trust myself" he slowly spoke, a shaky breath following.Ray took in a deep breath, slowly exhaling as he processed what frank had said. He leant in closer, cupping his face with a gentle touch. "You are strong, frank, the trust is gonna build up, but you have to promise me something" ray spoke insistently, looking down into franks shaky eyes. He looked back up, making a content noise of aknowledgement, before ray pressed a long kiss into his forehead."Promise me, if you feel like you are going to give in to any urges, you tell me, night or day- you need to tell me whats going on in your head, and ill tell you whats going on in mine"Frank thought closely about what ray said, taking in the words, bathing in the sound of his voice, he was so glad to be home. "I promise ray" he hummed, leaning back against his chest with a small smile. He couldnt get enough of rays smell, his touch, he was just surrounded by comfort."Ive missed you" frank half giggled, pressing a kiss to the chest infront of him, causing a small flinch from ray, who also giggled. "Tickles" he smiled, playing with franks hair again. "I missed you too" ray grinned as he settled back against his boyfriend, holding him tight."You wanna go shower before gee and mikey get here?" Frank asked, moving to nip at rays nipple, sending a jolt and another laugh through him. Ray nodded as he sat up, helping frank to his feet aswell.He realised there was no fear or dread. He was showering in his own apartment, with his boyfriend, as he wanted. He didnt have to worry about people watching him, he didnt have to worry about being exposed-"Frank- talk to me" he heard rays distant voice call, he snapped back to their reality, realising there were tears on his cheeks. He brought his hand up confuzedly, wiping them away. Ray looked expectantly, stoking the tear away with his own hand."Sorry- i just- its just hit me that i can shower in peace now, overwhelming-" frank murmured, a small smile on his face as he processed his freedom. Ray frowned, realising what he meant. "You have privacy now" ray whispered, standing close to frank, their breath on eachothers faces. He smiled up at ray, pulling him into a kiss, tounge brushing against his cracked bottom lip."Would you rather shower alone or do you want me to join you?" Ray questioned, wiping the tear that had settled on his cheek as he pulled away. Frank shook his head, smiling up at him. "Join me, please"Ray smirked, taking his hand and leading him to the bathroom. He missed this.
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Ray kneeled in the shower, sucking kisses into franks thighs as he leant back against the wall, the steam fogging the room, almost suffocating frank. His breathing was ragged, sharp, startled inhales as ray nipped and sucked at his skin.Frank hadnt came in seven months. Seven whole months, and until now, he didnt realise how much he needed it."I need you" he whimpered, head rolling back against the wall, a whine following as ray trailed a finger up his thigh, resting on the dip of his hips. Ray looked up, the sight was beautiful. Rays eyes were wide, hair wet as it fell over his face, out of breath and panting on his knees. Franks cock twitched, precum spilling from the tip."Can i suck you off frankie- please" ray whispered from his knees, eyes pleading as he looked at franks leaking cock. He audibly moaned at the thought, he nodded, raking his hand through rays locks. "Fuck- yes- fuck yes" frank was already out of breath at the thought. "Need to cum"Ray grinned up at him, shuffling on his knees as he slowly took franks rock hard cock on his hand, wanking him slowly in his hands. "Colour, frankie" ray asked as he kissed franks thighs, his hand wrapped firmly around his cock as he worked it back and fourth."Green, please- god i need you" he whimpered, pulling rays hair slightly, earning a moan from him. Ray was quick to hold franks hips, taking the tip of his cock into his mouth. The feeling was euphoric, the warmth and wetness around him unlike anything he had ever felt before.He whimpered, a long drawn moan from the depths of his stomach as he grabbed rays hair tighter, the vibration of rays moan around his tip was something from another fucking realm.Ray took him deeper into his mouth, wrapping his lips around his teeth as he worked his way deeper and deeper, franks cock twitching as he looked down at the sight. Rays lips stretched over his dick was the sexiest thing he had ever seen, he couldnt handle how overwhelming it was. Ray bobbed his head back and fourth, his eyes watering as he forced his entire length down his tightening throat, before he pulled off, gasping for air and panting, glossed eyes looking back up at frank.He whimpered at the lack of contact, rays head leaning against his thigh now. "Fuck my face frank- please- i need you-" he frantically whimpered, gasping for breath as he wanked his own cock again. Frank looked at his boyfriends stretched lips, bright red and puffy. He wished he could take a photo to keep the memory. He didnt know what to say. He wanted to, so, so bad, but he didnt know- how-"If you feel uncomfortable pinch my thigh, okay? You look so fucking pretty right now" frank half whimpered, and it sent something straight to rays cock.Pretty.He liked that, he liked that alot.Thats new. Ray was quick to nod, taking his cock in his mouth again, frank linking his fingers into his hair as he held his head still, slowly pushing into his throat, taking rays thoat as his own.The feeling was even better than the tightness of fucking rays ass, the licks of his tounge and the tightening as he held back gags. Frank shouldnt be enjoying it this much.Ray briefly pulled off, moving franks hands in his hair, grabbing the sopping wet locks in a bundle, showing him to use him. "Like that" ray mouthed as he licked a stripe up franks dick, taking it back in his mouth.Frank gripped rays hair in a firm but careful hold, fucking into his mouth. Ray whined around his dick, wrapping his own hand around his own cock, fucking up into his hand as he took franks length."Ray- you- you feel so good" frank whined, rocking forward into rays throat again, his hipbone touching rays lips. "Im gonna cum already- can i cum down your throat- please-" franks voice was drawn out as he bucked his hips back and fourth, ray was clearly enjoying it. "So fucking pretty" he whined, feeling himself even closer to the edge. Ray nodded around his cock, his own whimpers sending vibrations through his whole body.Frank held rays head firm against his hipbones as he came, feeling his load spurt down his boyfriends throat, feeling cum hit his shins as ray spurted his load too, whimpering as frank held his head firm in place.It was just what he needed, he could feel himself drifting into a subspace. Drifting into that mindset where he just needed to be held, where he just felt peace.Frank was drifting into a headspace where he felt sleepy, he felt relaxed, but he also felt protective. He knew he needed care, and he knew he needed to care for ray. Its all he wanted. He needed to make sure they both felt loved. Frank fell to his knees after he pulled out, stroking rays puffy lips, pressing a kiss into them as the water beat down on them. "You are amazing-" frank whimpered, resting his forehead against rays to keep the pair upright. Their breathing was ragged, irratic from the euphoria."You have no idea how much i needed that" ray panted, a small laugh choking from franks throat at that. "I didnt cum for 7 months i think im the one that needed that-" he joked, nothing behind it, as ray looked up at frank now. "How the fuck did you go 7 months" he asked rhetorically. He knew there were so many factors into it, but he was still somewhat shocked, a small laugh following."Cmon, let me wash your hair and then we can go get something cold for your throat" his voice was changed now, a more commanding tone, it was everything ray needed, he needed someone to just take control for a while. He nodded, as frank began lathering up rays hair with his shampoo, being careful to not get any in his eyes.He liked being in charge after sex, he soon was realising. The control, it was a reminder that everything was in his hands, if he wanted to stop, he could. If he wants to take a breather, he can. He has control now.He knew how important headspaces were to ray, and he frankly enjoyed that blowjob more than he had thought he would.They were deffinatly doing that again.
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Once they were finished in the shower, they dried eachother off, making sure to take care of rays curls, he knew how they got when he didnt do his multistep routine, it was not fun.Frank had rummaged through the freezer, finding an ice pop from god knows how long ago, handing it to ray as he clambered back into bed with him. "Here you go honey" frank whispered, handing him the ice pop and helping him prop up on a pillow. "Thank you frankie" he spoke back, voice audibly rougher than it had been earlier.Frank couldnt help but feel a bit guilty. Ray begged for it, why did he feel like he was in the wrong, like he used ray. He leaned on his shoulder, taking him into a close hug as he took in his warmth. "Did you enjoy that?" He asked, ray immediatley turned to him. He knew that tone from anywhere.Ray picked up on it every time frank was having a hard time understanding hes allowed to enjoy something thats from his past abuse. He knew frank just needed reassurance to keep him from the anxiety that would soon come."I loved it, frankie, i love you" ray insisted, cupping franks in a gentle hold. Frank pulled him into a kiss, he could taste the blue raspberry against his lips. "I really liked you calling me pretty" he spoke as he pulled away, resting his head against franks forehead. Frank smiled, looking into his eyes, he felt at home again. "Get used to it" frank teased, pulling away and flopping back onto the bed. "Frankie?" Ray questioned, his usual non pressuring tone, it was so welcoming. He nodded, turning to face ray again. "Did being in control help or make it worse?" He asked, sucking on the ice lolly which soothed the burn of his throat. Frank thought for a while."I think me being in control gave me trust in myself again? It let me- i could focus on the pleasure 'cause i could stop it completely if i didnt feel comfortable- and it helped that you enjoyed it so much, i like giving you something you need" frank explained, he was more confident at talking about his feelings, he was practiced in the area now.Ray hummed, aknowledging what frank was saying. "Im glad you feel that way about it babe" ray cooed, playing with his hair again, the ice lolly now leant against his stomach. "I really missed you, babe-" franks voice muffled against rays side, as he felt himself drifting off, eyes heavy. "I missed you too, angel" Frank was awoken by the smell of buttery, syrup covered pancakes, and a cold space beside him. Before he could even open his eyes, a smile creeped onto his face.He sat up, clambering out of bed and finding the nearest slippers and hoodie, dragging himself to the kitchen where he knew he would find ray humming under his breath as he flipped pancakes. He smiled as he realised rays hair was in a messy bun, it was so cute.He snuck up behind ray, wrapping his arms around his boyfriends waist, leaning into him. "Good morning honey" ray purred, leaning into franks hug. Frank kissed his back, leaning his head against the soft hoodie on his back. "Morning, ray" he smiled, taking a deep breath in.He was finally home again.
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They were on the way to gerard and mikeys house, frank felt a wave of nervousness wash through him as he processed the fact he was outside, in the real world, exposed to everyone. They had a concert that evening and had plans to go for lunch before that, they were all excited.As they knocked on the door, mikey and gee were quick to open it, hugging frank before they could even say hello or process what was happening. "We missed you so much-" gerard whispered, holding him close for a few more moments. He held the pair close, leaning into their familiar touch, until he was interupted by a loud, high pitched noise from inside the apartment. He pulled away suddenly, looking confusezly at the trio. "What was that-" he asked, mikey and gerard smirking. There was something they were hiding.They stayed quiet, leading frank into their apartment silently, he was lost as to what was happening.As he looked around, searching for any potential signs at what was happening, he was too distracted to realise that he had been met by a small dog at his feet, barking and jumping at his legs.He almost squealed, crouching down to let the dog lick his face, her rough, black and silvery grey coat stood out against slightly brown strands. She rubbed her face against franks, he was in love. "Since when did you get a dog?" He questioned through laughter as she licked his face. Ray crouched down, stroking the bridge of the dogs nose. Mikey and gerard grinned, ray unmasking his knowing smile."We didnt get a dog" gerard smiled, frank looking up confused. He turned to ray for an answer, but he just grinned too. "What do you mean?-" he asked confused, the whole situation was too much for frank to piece the puzzle together."She's for you" mikey whispered, franks eyes lit up. He looked up, stilling his body. "What-?" He asked, shock overtaking him. Did they really get frank a dog?Ray nodded, kissing his neck from behind in a quick peck, frank stood up, holding the small dog in his arms. "Guys-" frank stuttered, he felt his eyes welling with tears as he looked into her eyes, she was wagging her tail and licking franks hand now."Shes called sweet pea, we got her from a rehab centre for stray dogs- and she is a trained therapy dog" ray explained, frank was so overwhelmed with happiness and hope that he didnt realise there were now tears streaming down his cheeks. "Frankie-" gerard laughed, taking him into a hug, sweet pea wedged between them."Guys- thank you so much-" he spoke, voicd croaky as he turned to hug mikey and then ray, too.Ray pressed a kiss to his forehead, before leading frank to sit down on the sofa. "Shes- perfect- shes so fucking adorable-" frank spoke in a baby voice, fussing sweet pea up as he spoke, ray laughed at the absurdity ot his tone. Gerard crouched next to him, stroking sweet peas back, before looking up to ray."My therapist suggested it might be a good idea, i asked a few sessions ago, and when we did research into it and started looking- we knew she was the right one" he explained, franks cheeks hurt as he smiled."I love her" frank whispered, resting his head against sweet peas face."Looks like she loves you too-" ray smiled as sweet pea curled up into a ball on his lap, rubbing her head against his hoodie in slow motions. "I cant thank you guys enough"
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Frank was doing his best to adjust to real life again, it had been 2 months, and there had been alot of change. he had a new job at the guitar store, in charge of helping customers find the right model and brand for them, he spent his freetime at the coffee shop with gerard, helping to plan his new idea for a comic book.Three times a week, he was forced to see a therapist, one session was joined by ray, they felt he needed an insight in to help see how ray could be there for frank, and helped work through fears and flashbacks together. It was benefitting, he was finding new ways to cope with everything.The antidepressants were taking a toll on him, he felt himself unable to keep weight, if he didnt eat constantly, he would drop pounds before he could realise, it was making it hard to maintain his healthy body.But it was all worth it.He was happier, could sleep without drinking or overdosing on sleeping pills, he was more confident in the way he looked, he felt more at home within his own body and mind. He no longer felt like two seperate conflicting beings, he felt like his body was his own.Ray was so proud.Over time, both frank and ray were accepting their scars, accepting the fact they both were dealing with a plethora of mental health issues, but they knew they were lucky to have eachother to get through it. Plus, now they had sweet pea, who was by their sides constantly, licking franks face when he had an episode, barking when mikey got dizzy, she always curled up on rays lap at night when he was overtaken by negative thoughts, and she layed on gerards lap at the coffee shop, acting as a pillow for gerards notebook. She was a perfect 5th addition to their group.They took her on walks, it cleared their minds and encouraged them to get out the house more. Today, ray and frank were on a walk at a particularly beautiful spot, a preserved park upstate, just out of the main city. They took in the surroundings, admirimg the trees that provided shade from the beating sun. They didnt talk much, the silence was comfortable, and these days they didnt even need to speak to communicate their thoughts, body language enough to tell the others mind. Rays thumb stroked over franks palm, holding him close and gentle as they wandered."Come with me, i know a spot" ray smiled down at frank, squeezing his hand once as he looks off towards a path they had never explored before. "Ominous" frank teased, letting out a small laugh followed by a nod as he followed ray down the unknown path.The woods thickened slightly, frank could feel ray getting more antsy, his palm sweating. "Are you okay love?" He asked, non pryingly, showing genuine care. Ray smiled and nodded, admiring frank like he always did. "Im great, im with you" he half whispered as they turned a corner around a bush, the sight that frank was met with was breathtaking.A wooden, overgrown gazebo, dawned with beautiful metal railings and vines sat infront of them, behind was a stunning view of the city, rolling hills infront of it, the warm, beaming sun creating magnificant shadows. Trees framed the scene, long, uncut grass fading into the distance, the smell was fresh and intoxicating."This is beautiful-" frank breathily spoke, gently letting go of rays hand as he wandered off slowly towards the view infront of them. "Beautiful view for a beautiful man" ray cooed from behind, frank turned to face him again, but what he saw sent spikes of shock through his chest.Ray was crouched on one knee, in his hands was a small black box, rested delicatley in his sweaty palm. Frank brought his hands to his mouth, cupping his cheeks as he walked closer to where ray silently crouched."Frankie, ive wanted to ask you this question since the day i met you" ray began, eyes watering as he watched frank walk closer, tears in his eyes too. "Yes-" frank interupted, frantically nodding as he rushed to take rays hands, pulling him off of his feet into a kiss before he could finish his question.Their lips interlocked, noses messily bashing together as they held eachother close. Frank pulled away, the tears rolling down both of their cheeks interupting the kiss. "Yes?" Ray grinned back, holding frank as close as he could to his own body without physically crawling inside of him. Frank let out a laugh through his tears."Yes, ray, of course ill marry you-" he giggled, wiping his tears as he took rays hands in his, sweet pea letting out a happy bark as her tail wagged beside them.Ray pulled the ring out of the box, slipping it onto franks finger in a gentle manor, he looked down and admired it. The band was made of gold, thick and decorated with a three small black crystals, it was everything frank could have wanted. He was engaged to the love of his life."I love you so fucking much-" frank cried, eyes flooding his face as he looked up to ray, whos face mirrored the same tears and joy. "I love you more than anything, frankie- fuck-" ray cried, lifting frank into a close hug, feeling his warmth against his own body. They were finally engaged.
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Hi hi hi So. Its gonna get ROUGH.My plan is to continye with the real life events and keep it based off of my stuff here, but my therapist suggested i write a happy ending too, which i think might be a good idea and might interest a few peopleSo eventually im going to make a story based off of an alternate happy ending from here on out, where eveththing thats about to happen doesnt happen❤️ Sorry in advance, its gonna be hard for me to actually write. Its really quite hard for me to write so chapters may get slow xxx
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Ray and frank rushed to the coffee shop to tell gerard and mikey the news, they were over the moon. Sweet pea clearly knew something was up, she was jumping and barking, wagging her tail back and fourth at frank and rays positive displays of emotion.Frank hadnt stopped his happy tears, ray holding his hand closely. They rushed into the coffee shop, sweet pea walking off to her dog basket which they kept at the reserved table around in the back corner, and mikey and gerard looked up from where they were sitting, confuzed look on their face."Whats- are you guys okay?" Gerard asked confused, putting down his coffee. Ray grinned and let go of franks hand, he held up his hand, showing off the ring. "Were getting married-" frank beamed, they both leaped up from their individual positions, rushing to the pairs side, the few regulars who sat in the cafe turning to face them, smiles on all of their faces."Oh my god- thats amazing" mikey gushed as he took franks hand, looking at the ring as they hugged the pair. "Im so happy for you guys" gerard congratulated, huge smiles on their faces. They recieved random congratulations and praise from random people, some they recognised as regulars, they felt so connected in such a different way.It was everything.They celebrated for a while, before ray and frank decided they wanted to go home, they knew exactly what they were about to do. The second they got in, frank stripped his shirt off, tugging at rays as he pushed him against the door, tounge slipping into his mouth, earning a shocked whimper from deep in his chest. "Frank- fuck- fucking hell" ray whined between kisses, grinding his hips on his thigh."Ray- i want you- i want you so bad-" frank gasped against rays neck, leaning up the best he can to bite his neck, ray let out a loud moan. "What- what do you need baby" ray breathily exhaled as frank bit at his neck, legs interlocked with rays as he grinded.Frank pulled away, locking his fingers with rays. "I want you to fuck me" he spoke below a whisper, rays cock twitched against franks thigh, the denim inbetween them stopping the contact. Ray cupped franks face with one hand, stroking the soft skin in a gentle touch."You- you want me to fuck you?" He confirmed, a smile on his face as his eyes watered. "Im ready babe- i need you- wanna try" frank whined, grinding his cock against rays clothed thigh again, rock hard now. "Fuck- okay" ray grinned, leading frank through to the bedroom, they closed the curtains and turned on a lamp, rushing as they did so, grabbing lube and pillows, blankets and tissues, sitting on the bed.They stripped eachothers clothes off, sloppily making out as they went, hands in hair, hands on eachothers chest, hips, ass, they couldnt get enough as their naked bodies writhed against eachother. "Tell me your safeword, frankie-" ray whispered in his ear, grinding against his thigh as they sat in their places."Scarecrow- i swear to you i will tell you to stop if i feel uncomfortable- you promise me you gotta do the same-" frank whined, taking his hands to rays hair, locking them in the messy curls."I swear- i promise- i will-" he grinned, kissing his cheek, nuzzling into the touch. "Were gonna go slow, gonna take you so slow honey" he whined, grinding against his thigh again, frank rolling his head back as ray now nipping at his neck as he sucked marks into him. "Can i- can i finger you open babe- please-" ray begged, whimpering as frank pinched at his nipple, frank nodding enthusiastically."Do you wanna be on top or on bottom, i- i want you to be as comfortable as you can be-" ray whispered, holding his hands softly as he kissed at franks neck still. Frank had thought about this answer for a while. "Can- can you finger me on my back- but- i wanna ride you when were fucking- please-" frank shyly spoke, a twinge of embarasment in his voice for the specific request. Ray smiled, comforted by his specificty."Youve thought about this- im glad" ray whispered again, now sucking against franks nipple as whines spilled from his throat. "I- i need you-" he whined, grabbing at ray to try and feel anything he could. "On your back, honey" ray spoke, frank shuffled to lay down, ray rolling onto him as he straddled his waist, careful not to put too much of his weight on him."Tell me your colour, love" ray asked, making sure frank was comfortable in that position, he nodded. "Green, im- im green" he smiled, looking up at his boyfriend- no- fiancé.He was so in love.Ray leant down, sucking hickeys into franks neck, nipping at the skin, running his hands along every inch of bare skin his hands could find."Ray- please- i need you in me" frank begged, writhing under his much taller partner. It was everything. He felt safe, he was so trusting in ray. He smiled, pressing a firm kiss into franks lips."Patience, love" ray murmured against his skin, working down from his lips, kissing down his body. Neck, chest, nipples, stomach, hips, thighs, inner, closer and closer to where frank needed the contact, until ray finally licked his tounge right over franks puckered hole, sending shocks of pleasure up his spine.He pressed his tounge in, working his hole open as frank whimpered and bucked as ray worked further inside of him, hands grabbing at all the right spots. Ray pulled away as he felt franks cock twitch against his forehead, reaching over to get the lube off of the bed."You ready, frankie?" He asked one more time, pressing one more kiss against his forehead. "Im- im so ready-" he whined, watching ray lube his fingers up, working some against his hole. Ray held loving eye contact with frank as he slipped his single finger into franks hole, stilling his hand as he watched frank writhe. "Colour-" he asked, stroking franks inner thigh with his free hand, causing his cock to twitch.Frank whimpered, rolling his head back against the pillow as he let go of everything. "Im green right now- please- i want more" frank replied, he was eager to try more, he wanted to take more of ray.Ray worked in another finger, massaging deeper as he worked frank open for the first time. He was gentle, his touch wanting but careful, making sure he was far from rough with him. He felt himself accidentally brush against franks prostate, a sharp, sudden whine ripping from franks throat, his cock jumping. "Ray- oh god-" frank whimpered, grinding down onto his hands. The positive stimulation against his prostate was something new, something unexperienced. He knew he needed more."Colour" ray whispered, pressing a kiss into his thigh, working his fingers again, frank jolting at the stimulation. "Bright fucking green ray- god- you werent joking when you said that feels good-" he whined, a small laugh at the end of his sentence. He was euphoric."Just a little bit longer frankie and then yiu can ride me- gotta- gotta get you all worked open" he groaned, his own dick twitching at the scene infront of him. Frank whimpered strings of obscenities as ray worked him open more. Three fingers inside of him now, and he knew frank was ready.Ray knew how important this moment was to frank, how special it was going to be. He slowly pulled his fingers out, cleaning them on the tissues he had got earlier. Frank groaned at the lack of contact, rubbing any part of his body that he could against rays."Im gonna use loads of lube, frankie it hurts a little bit while you adjust- okay? Take your time, talk to me- use your colours- im- fuck you look so hot" ray sidetracked, admiring frank who was grinding against his own hand now. "I-i will- fuck-" frank whimpered, kneeling as he moved to swap positions with ray. Ray wanked himself off, lube in hand, making sure he was slick enough so that he could easily slip into frank, who was now straddling his thighs, pressing kisses into his neck.Franks heart was pounding now, nerves overtaking him. "Yellow-" frank whispered, ray perked up. "Talk to me, honey" he asked, taking his hand off of his dick, eyes widening as he looked up at frank. Frank took a deep, steadying breath. "I just need- i need a second, just need to be here with you for a minute" frank gently spoke, resting his forehead against rays chest, he softly ran his hands over franks back. "Take all the time you need, love, im right here" he reassured, tracing patterns into his shoulder.Frank layed there and simply breathed for a while, taking in the situation as he reassured himself that everything was gonna be okay. He sat back up after a while, slipping his tounge into rays mouth as they made out, before he sat back up."Im ready, please- i wanna- i wanna feel close" he whined, smiling down at his partner. Ray smiled back up at him, cupping his face gently. "I love you, so much, frankie" he beamed, pressing a kiss into his hand. Frank smiled down at him. "I love you too- ray- im ready-" he whined again, taking rays cock in his hand as he lifted himself up.He lined himself up, hovering before he sunk down slightly, the tip working its way inside. The stretch was a slight burn, but he made sure to keep eyed open, keeping focus on the fact it was ray, and that he was completely in charge. He sunk down further, slowly, hands interlocked with rays.As he felt rays cock brush his prostate, he rode the feeling, letting out a loud moan, ray mirroring the same. "You look incredible like this- frankie-" ray practically drueled, holding back from bucking up into frank. "So- so fucking good-" frank mindlessly whimpered, tears welling in his eyes from the pleasure, sinking down further onto rays dick, earning a content whine from him.He soon bottomed out, the stretch slightly painful, he stayed still for a while, leaning down to kiss his other half, hands in hair, grabbing and stroking anything they could. "Frankie- you- tell me your colour" he begged, frank sat up again, just enough so he could answer ray. "Yellow" he breathily spoke, an edge of slight pain in his voice. "Talk to me, what do you need- its just you and me frankie" he reminded, stroking over franks lower back. He took a deep breath, taking rays hands in his own."Just need tike to adjust- you- fucking massive" frank half laughed, breathily panting at the pleasure still there. Ray smiled up at frank, pulling him into a long, passionate kiss, they were connected as one. "Take all the time you need- you- you wanna ride me or d'you want me to fuck you" ray whimpered under frank, making sure to keep his hips stilled until frank expressed he was ready, frank rolled his head back in awe at the words."I- i- fuck me- i dont- i dont think i can- ride you- fuck- feels too good- too hard" frank half whimlered as he breathily spoke, he was on another plain of existance and ray could understand how frank didnt have the willpower or well- mental capacity- to fuck himself on rays dick.After a few more moments of kissing, frank pulled away, nodding at ray. "I think- please im ready-" he whimpered, eyes locked with rays. The whole room was filled with nothing but love, and it was perfect, everything frank could have wished for. "Im gonna- im gonna go so slow- dont wanna hurt you-" ray reminded, slowly pulling out of frank, before fucking back up into him, and the moan that escaped his throat was one that ray had truly never heard before. "Jesus- fucking christ" he almost yelled, head rolling back as he held rays hands to either side of his head, pressing into the matress, and fuck did ray like that. The waves of pleasure shooting up each of their spines was unmatchable.Ray continued fucking into him, slow but hard movements, pounding into his prostate and slowly dragging out, earning the loudest whines he had ever heard from frank. "You are so fucking pretty like this ray- fuck- i need more" frank groaned, ray bucking his hips at the statement.He fucked frank, the pressure around his own cock incredible, taking over his senses as he lost control. "You are so- you- youre so big-" he whined, loud, guttural moans erupting from franks throat as he grinded down, taking his cock in his hand as he felt himself get closer to the edge. "Frankie- im- im gonna cum-" he whined from beneath him, earning nods from frank as he mouthed "me too-" and before they knew it, frank was spurting hot ropes of cum across rays stomach, clenching around his dick as he felt ray cum too, head rolling as he went limp against ray.They layed there, limp ontop of eachother in a tangled mess of limbs and hair, before frank pressed a long, hard kiss into rays lips, pulling him back to reality.He grinned up at frank, meeting his eyes in a loving gaze. "You did so fucking good frankie- oh my god-" ray panted, tears in his eyes as he admired his worn out, dishevled partner.Frank beamed back down at him, before a tear fell from his face onto rays, startling him. "Are you okay?" He quickly insisted, earning a small laugh from frank. "Im more than okay love- big emotions- im great- you were great" frank panted, sniffling back another tear as he smiled down at ray."Im gonna pull out okay? And then im gonna clean you up and we can cuddle here forever" ray grinned, wiping his tear from franks face as he slowlg moved his hands back down to his hips, guiding him slowly off of his dick.Frank flopped onto the bed next to him, body still pliant and limp. Ray quickly got up, grabbing the tissues off the bedside table, wiping the cum off of their stomachs and the lube off of his own dick, before sitting frank up slightly with gentle hands."Babe, im gonna clean you up, ima be gentle- i know its sensitive right now" ray gently told, stroking his hand over franks thigh, earning a hum in response. He took the tissues, slowly rolling frank over enough so he had access to clean him up, wiping over the tip of franks cock as he whined, the sensitivity too much."Want a bath honey?" Ray asked as he cleaned the cum off of franks thighs and hole, admiring as he saw his own load leak out of him. "Wanna bath, mm" frank hummed, smiling at the soft caresses to his thigh."I love you so much, frankie- im so proud of you"
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A few months after they had gotten engaged, ray and frank were out looking for potential venues for their wedding. They had decided to keep it simple, affordable and representitive of them. They were thinking about renting out a music venue for the night, asking jon to perform with KoRn, they knew how perfect that would be.Gerard was adament he would design the invites, mikey insistant he was able to make drinks for everyone, he made a mean cocktail.They were browsing at a beautiful venue, old pillars around the edge of the room, enough space for a band and all the guests, alongside the ceremony, there was accomodation nearbye, even though they had decided to keep it small, local. Only around 30 people would be there, closer friends and important guests, and the venue didnt have to be huge.Frankly, they could have a ceremony with just mikey and gerard, and they wouldnt care. They just needed the most important people in their lives there to be happy. "The sound system is awesome-" frank smiled to ray, holding his hand tightly as they wandered around the empty room, the house lights were dim and not intrusive, shining a glow through the venue."Our first dance can be a mosh pit" ray joked, frank laughing as he pictured how fun it would be. Frank stilled for a moment, a small smirk on his face as he looked up to ray. "You are gonna look so sexy in a suit" he teased, stepping closer as he leant up to kiss ray quickly, a small peck of affection.Ray smiled ear to ear, looking down at frank who stood close to him. "I cant wait to see you all dressed up either" ray smiled, interupted by a buzz of his phone in his pocket, he wuickly snapped out of his loving dazed state and rummaged for the device in his deep pockets.It was gerard.He quickly answered, frank wandering off to look at the curtians that covered the windows, and how their crushed velvet contrasted the mood of the venue."Hey ger-" ray began before he processed what was happening on the other end of the phone. Gerard was sobbing. Hysterically.Loud chokes crackled through the speaker, rays eyes widened. "Gee, what happened? Are you okay?" He quickly asked, concern loud in his voice, causing frank to turn around in confusion. All ray could hear was gerards laboured breath, sharp sobs interupting the attempts to take a full gasp of air."Gee-" ray tried again, concern growing more and more the longer he struggled for air. Frank stepped closer, he could now hear the sobs on the other end of the line from the handset pressed to rays head."What the fuck?" Frank quietly mouthed to ray, all he did in response was shake his head. A thick sense of discomfort flooded the room. A dark, negative feeling of emptiness that they couldnt explain.Something wasnt right."Gerard where are you right now?" Ray tried one more time, praying for an answer. The mic was squeaky and crackled, making it even harder to make out what gerard was attempting to say. After a while, ray managed to decode what he was saying. "Hospital? Gee? Are you at the hospital?" Ray asked paniced, franks eyes widening more and more by the second.He decoded a muffled sound of "yeah" through his sobs, chokes filling rays ears. "Were gonna get there as quick as possible- can you try your absolute best to tell me- what happened? Are you and mikey okay?" Ray asked, gerards sobs getting harder at the mention of mikeys name. All ray heard was a muffled "no", a choke from his throat causing a ring on the speaker. "Are you hurt or is mikey hurt?" Ray asked with even more concern now, frank just staring at ray in horror."Mi-mikey-" was all gerard could muster, sobs getting heavier. Ray heard movement on the other end of the line, looking down at frank with fear plastered across his face.He heard a new voice on the other side of the phone, he assumed it was a nurse. "Hello- im here with gerard, im a nurse here at the hospital, he is having trouble communicating right now, he is requesting you come to the hospital if that is okay?" A sweet, shaky voice asked down the phone, ray felt like he was going to be sick."Is mikey okay? What- what happened-" ray begged for an answer, taking franks hand as they rushed off to the car. "Im sorry sir im not allowed to disclose detailed information over the phone, but there has been an incident, and gerard has requested you come to saint andrews hospital" she spoke again, ray felt nausea creeping up his throat. "Tell gerard we will be there asap- thank you-" ray shakily spoke, hanging up as he quickly strapped in and jammed his foot on the pedal.What the fuck was happening. As they rushed into the reception, signing themselves in, frank and ray felt a sinking feeling of emptiness settling in. "We are here for mikey way and gerard way?" Ray spoke, a tone of question in his voice. "Follow the signs for the blue waiting room" she blandly spoke, frank and ray nodding as they rushed off towards wherever they had been told to go.They barged into the waiting room, gerard was curled up in a ball on the floor, choking on sobs as 2 nurses spoke to him. He didnt even look up to see frank and ray, they rushed to crouch down infront of him, nausea filling both of them at the sight."Gee what- what happened?" Frank tried, he turned to the two nurses who both looked deeply upset. He pressed his hand to his shoulder, stroking soft circles into his hoodie, trying to bring any form of comfort. "Hes gone-" he choked, gasping for breaths as he squeezed his eyes shut, knees against his chest.What the fuck did he mean."Gee what happened to mikey? Where is he" ray asked a crack in his voice as tears welled, turning to the nurses. "Mr toro, mr iero, can you two come with me, please?" a new doctor questioned, she held a clipboard and a pen, stance small and her face blank.Frank felt his throat closing up, lungs unable to find air. They followed her to a room, dawned with flowers and plants, a black leather sofa and two cushions.That cannot. Be. Good."Please take a seat-" she calmly spoke, pointing to the sofa where frank and ray quickly perched on, leaning forwards towards where she was now sat."Please tell me mikey is okay-" franks voice was full of dread, his eyes welling with tears now. "He has to be okay please tell me hes-" frank felt tears slip as ray took his hands, the doctor interupting. "Im sorry, sir, i am so sorry to be the one to inform you both, mr way passed away this morning- i- i am so sorry for your loss" she spoke with regret in her voice, and everything stopped.He was gone?What did she mean.There had to be a mistake.It was a mistakeOr a nightmareA really, disgusting, horrible nightmareThe world shattered around them, frank froze still as ray burst into tears, everything muffling, sound and light too much and too little at once.Frank stood up and rushed for the bin, spilling his stomach as he threw up violently, colapsing to his knees. "How-" ray hardly choked, the doctor handing him a tissue as he began to hyperventilate, just like gerard."From what we know, he overdosed on pain medication, and he was heavily intoxicated with alcohol, too- He went into multiple organ failiure, liver and kidneys- and eventually had a seizure. He was found in bed the next morning" the doctor spoke with a collected manner, but her pain seeped through.Frank felt tears flood his face, ray choking out more sobs as he got up off of the floor and flopped himself next to ray, holding onto him tightly.He didnt know what to do.They didnt know how to think.He was so, so fucking young."Suicide?" Ray choked again, sobs interupted his speech. "It was likely so, yes, but it may well have been an accident" she added, handing the pair more tissues. "I am so sorry to be sharing this news with you" she reminded, not that frank or ray knew what to say back to her."I will give you some alone time, unless you would like to either invite gerard in here or have anybody called?" He asked, frank choked on his breath. "Gee, please- please get gerard" frank choked, the nurse nodded before she left. "Mikeys gone?" Frank sobbed against rays chest, holding him closer."Mikeys gone" ray repeated back to him, emptiness filling his voice. Just emptiness.
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
They soon took gerard home, silently driving back to ray and franks apartment. They knew it wasnt going to be safe to leave him on his own. Gerard had mikeys hoodie and his phone, clutching it close to his chest as they drove home, helping gerard back into the apartment."I dont know what to do-" gerard choked, sitting down on the sofa as more tears spilled from his eyes. Their hearts were shattered, they didnt know what to do. Frank rushed off to the bathroom, throwing up once again, ray didnt follow, he knew he couldnt leave gerard alone right now."You okay honey?" He called to the bathroom, hearing a mumble from the bathroom which resembled a "yeah". Ray sat next to gerard, taking both of his hands as he tried his best to think of a game plan. "Would you like me to call some of mikeys friends? Or should we leave it until tomorrow-" ray asked, wiping gerards tears with his sleeve. Sweet pea rushed over, clambering onto gerards lap as he leant over to cuddle her, holding her to his chest in a gentle hold. She nuzzled her head against his chest."Can- can you call bert? He- he deserves to know." He cried, sweet pea licking his tears off of the tip of his nose, now. Ray stroked down her back, handing frank tissues as he re emerged from the bathroom."Hey sweetie" frank whispered as she turned yo see him, franks throat groggy as he stroked down sweet peas back, she looked worried, head tilting as she nuzzled into gerard. "What do you want me to say?" Ray asked, placing a hand on rays knee.Gerard squeezed his eyes shut as he relived himself finding mikeys blood dowsed body in bed. He shook his head, burying his face into sweet pea as sobs cascaded from him once again. "Im gonna call him, okay? Ill be back soon-" ray spoke, picking up mikeys phone and trailing to the bedroom. He sat on the bed, tears silently falling as he unlocked the phone, finding bert in his contacts, hitting dial before he could question anything or regret his desicion.After about 10 seconds, he heard a voice on the other end of the phone."Hey mikes whats up?" He cheerfully spoke, ray felt a pit grow in his stomach as tears fell harder."Bert? Hi- its ray" he spoke through tears, choking back a loud sob as he tried to keep himself stable enough to have this conversation."Oh- hey! Is everything alright? You sound- upset" bert confuzedly asked, a concern in his voice. Ray broke. "No- um- where are you right now?" He asked through tears, trying to find the right words to break the news."Im at home, its my day off, you need me to come over? Ray what- what happened?" he asked with more worry, he could clearly hear ray was crying."Mikey um- mikey passed away last night, and- gerard would- he-" ray tried, being interupted by a shocked bert. "What do you mean- mikeys- what do you mean hes gone" bert interupted, frank could hear the pain in his voice already."He- we think he overdosed on purpose- gerard found him in bed this morning- he- really needs support right now" ray cried, he didnt know how to even go about this. Bert fell silent, he had no clue what to say."So- mikeys gone?" His voice cracked, ray squeezed his eyes shut again. "Yeah-" was all he could muster, more tears falling."I- im on my way- are you at the hospital still?" He questioned, he was clearly crying now, ray choked back another sob."Uh- no- were at frank and my apartment, ill send you the address" Gerard was curled on franks lap now, sweet pea next to them as they silently cried, ray grabbed water from the kitchen and placed the cups on the table, nobody moved an inch."Bert is on his way- is there anything i can do right now- do you want me to call your parents?" Ray asked, he just wanted to make him feel better. He shook his head firmly, eyes glued shut as frank stroked through his hair."Gee do you want something to eat?" Ray questioned as he crouched to eye level, he tended to go into an overprotective state of mind, almost a parental figure, as soon as someone was feeling upset, regardless of his own emotions."Not hungry" he cried, shaking his head, frank shook his head too as ray looked up to him. "Thats okay, how about we have some water though, yeah?" Ray tried, holding a straw up towards gerards lips as he took a long sip, not moving from his position on franks lap."Its gonna be okay, yeah?" Ray prompted, trying to give gerard and frank any form of reassurance that they can.Gee reluctantly nodded, squeezing franks hand as he held back more sobs. Bert arrived, tears streaming down his face as he tried to comfort the trio, asking for any information he possibly could.They were all broken.All they could do was cry, try and make sense of their thoughts, try their best to keep eachother calm. That night, gerard hurt himself. Bad. He felt guilty for it. He was the reason mikey didnt make it through the night.Frank got drunk, relapsing back to his old ways, finding weed to smoke, too. He needed to numb the pain.Ray finally broke, crying hysterically as he stared at the wall, stared at the roof, it was as if he was searching for an answer in the silence.Bert was asleep on the floor, curled up with a bottle of whiskey, face planted in his knees.They were all lost without mikey. He was so young, he had so much to live for, and he was just- not there anymore.The seat on the sofa he occupied, empty.The coffee shop would be empty.They would never hear his laughter again.Theyd never hear his voice.Theyd never feel his hugs again.There was a hole where he was just 24 hours earlier. It was 4am, gerard was on his knees in the bathroom, eyes squeezed shut as he prayed, begging for an answer. He needed some form of answer.Frank knocked on the door, opening it as he didnt get a response. He was met by gerard on the floor, eyes squeezed shut and blood coating his arms, mikeys hoodie infront of him.It sure was a fucking sight."Gee-" he almost gasped, crouching down and pulling the towel down, grabbing gerards bleeding arms to stop the bleeding, he didnt even hiss with pain. He didnt react, he was locked in his own body, in his own world. "Hey- gee-" frank asked again, pulling him into a tight hug, hoping for a response.Frank cupped gerards face, pulling him to meet his eyes. He snapped out of whatever state he was in, immediatley widening his eyes and hiding his arms the best he could. "Im- sorry-" he tried to defend, frank shook his head."Dont apologise, gee, tell me what happened, try tell me what your feeling" he asked, pressing down on the cuts. He didnt say anything, just held back crys and sobs with a quivering lip. "Can you give me what you used please?" Frank questioned this time, more of a demand.Gerard handed over a piece of glass, its sharp edge covered in blood. Frank took a deep breath, putting it to the side as he removed the towel from his arms. There was easily 12 cuts, each deeper than the last, frank took a shaky breath as he tried to ground himself, the sight alot for him to take in."Gee talk to me, im gonna clean these while you tell me what you are thinking, need to share, cant bottle it up" frank spoke half slurred, he was still high. He let out a wracking sob, shaking his whole body as he leant into franks touch. "I failed as a brother" gerard stated, as if it was a fact, tears silently falling now. "You didnt fail, gerard, the world failed mikey"
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Mikey groaned on the sofa, trying to sit up enough to reach his water, the pain in his joints too much to handle.Gerard was busy running him a hot bath, digging out pain relief and CBD gummies, finding every hot water bottle he could find, ready to fill them and smother mikey in them.He rushed back, crouching infront of him with a hot cup of tea. "Do you feel dizzy? Or is it just painful-" he cried, a tear rolling down his cheek into his drink. "Dizzy, yeah- and- my joints havent hurt this bad in- years- it hurts to breathe and- theres shooting pains now too" mikey groaned, breaths stifled as his eyes squeezed shut at each jab of pain.Gerard tutted, he was disgusted in the medical system. "I have your gummies here, do you need help getting in the bath? If you are dizzy im not leaving you alone-" gee asked, handing him the two gummies, which he quickly took. "I dont think i can walk right now-" he cried, nuzzling his head against his knees as he tried to find some relief. "Thats alright, ill help you okay? Can you try sit forwards? I ordered takeout by the way- you need to eat" he prompted, helping mikey forwards.He helped mikey up, holding him up as he carried him to the bathroom, helping him take his hoodie off. He helped his joggers off, holding mikeys arm and ribs to keep him upright. "My head hurts" mikey groaned as he sunk into the tub, the bubbles and hot water soothing him slightly. Gerard quickly got up, turning the lights off and lighting a candle to dim the lights. "Thank you" he murmured as he cried, body jolting at another stab of pain. Gerard was shocked by the jolt, mikey didnt usually have much physical reaction to pain, he knew it must be bad. "Mikey- is it worse than the time you broke your leg?" Gerard questioned, pressing a hand to his forehead to see what his temperature was. He was freezing cold. Mikey nodded, taking his glasses off as he pinched the bridge of his nose. "Right were going to the hospital after this okay? This isnt safe-" gerard asked, voice pained."I cant handle the hospital right now" mikey shook his head, tears falling. "You might be allowed morphine or something better than the shit youre on now" gerard begged, stroking through mikeys hair, moving it out of his face. "They are gonna make it worse- i- its so much worse there" he cried, leaning into gerards touch.Gerard hurt at the sight, even though it had been years, he wasnt used to mikeys discomfort and pain, the agony he was in. "Do you need me to call penny?" Gerard questioned, a worry in his tone. The last thing mikey wanted right now was his therapist."No- please dont call her" he begged, turning to look at gerard. "Can we- i just want a hug- i dont need anyone to come, i need peace" he cried into his knees.Fuck that hurt gerard.That hurt, alot. He helped mikey up, dressing him and carrying him over to the sofa, he was shaking in agony now. Gerard was raking his hands over mikeys knee, the other in his hair, he felt his head becoming heavier and more pliant, his eyes drifting. "You dizzy, mikey?" He questioned, holding his head up slightly to inspect his eyes."I dont feel- right" he dragged out, eyes flickering slightly as he tried to hold himself up. "How do you mean dude?" Gerard qudstioned further, stroking through his hair as he placed his fingers on his neck, his pulse was faster than it should have been."I feel so- cold and- i feel dizzy and weak- and really sick-" he began, resting his head against gerards collarbone. He let out a shaky breath before he continued, groaning against gerards chest in pain. His brother was the only one who could fully comfort him, everyone knew that."The pain is getting worse, i cant handle it" mikey whined, writhing in pain as he choked back a sob. All gerard could do was rub hands down his back and whisper soothing mantras into his ear. Hours later, gerard tucked him into bed, surrounding him in pillows and hot water bottles, taking his jumper off so he wouldnt overheat, he wished he could take the pain away. He was hardly comprehendable, with the level of pain he was in, but gerard hoped the medication would take the edge off enough so that he would sleep."I love you, so, so much mikey" gerard whispered, stroking his brothers hair as he pressed a quick kiss to his temple. "L-love you d-dude" mikey slurred, nuzzling into his pillows as he tried to find a comfortable enough position to fall asleep in. The next morning, gerard woke up late, hair stuck to his cheek, and all he could smell was vomit. He quickly sat up, listening out for signs of his brother as he realised he could hear silence. Usually mikey was up by now.He climbed out of bed, slipping a hoodie on and slippers as he left his room. "Mikes?" He called, staggering down the hallway, knocking on his door, stretching to try and work the kink out of his back.Silence.The smell of vomit was stronger here. And was that- blood?"Mikey-" gerard asked more insistantly, banging his fist against the door. He checked his phone.9.34am.Silence.The smell.Something was wrong.He pushed the door open, peering his head around the door, the sight he saw brought a sinking pit of dread through him.Mikey was limp, half strewn across the bed, his own blood and vomit coating his bedding, splattered over his face. Gerard rushed to his side, stepping over a spilt tub of pills as he rushed to wake his brother.A choke reached his throat as he shook his shoulders, before pulling the bedding off, revealing his answer to what happened.Mikeys arms, a bottle of pills and a razor blade.Wounds, Bottle of empty pills, A bloody razor.Gerard felt sick."Mikey-" he begged, still shaking his brothers shoulder, pressing fingers into his pulse now.Nothing.Maybe he wasnt looking in the right place.He pressed his hand to his blood stained chest.Nothing.
He was ice fucking coldAnd there was no beat."Mikey-" gerard aimlessly repeated, chokes strangling him as he felt a panic wash over him."No- no no-" he begged, panicing as he tried to find any sign of life. "Wake- wake up mikey-" he choked, now shaking him harder, he didnt care about the blood or vomit.He just wanted to wake mikey up.He wanted to wake up from this nightmare.His skin was pale, more pale than usual if that was possible, his eyes unresponsive and his jaw slack."No-" he stuttered, reaching for his phone to call an ambulance. "Hes- hes not waking up" gerard mindlessly cried to the 911 operator, he couldnt think straight, he couldnt breathe."Sir? Can you explain your situation please?" She asked calmly, a sweet tone in her voice. Gerard sobbed. "My brother- he- i woke up- hes dead" he choked, hardly comprehendable."Sir, please try and remain calm, your brother isnt waking up?" She tried to make sense of his words."He- hes not- waking up- please we need help- he needs help- im not losing him" he cried, choking on rugged breaths as he tried everything to wake mikey up."Does he have a pulse?" She asked, gerard choked out a no, holding onto his hand in a tight grasp. "Sir, how long had he been unresponsive for if you know? Can you give me a guess?" She asked again, her endless questioning already exhausting gerard. He couldnt handle it."Um- a few hours- hes co-cold- really cold- and- fuck please help-""There is help coming to your location right now sir, can you explain to me what you think has happened?" She asked through the crackly speaker, gerard was panicing further and further. "I- dont- know what happened" he sobbed, gasping for air now. He was shutting down."Sir can you tell me what number your house is?" She asked, gerard mumbled an answer through his tears. "Im going to ask you some questions, take some deep breaths for me please, you are doing so well-" she prompted, trying to be reassuring and comforting, while getting the needed information.He was fucking broken."O-okay" he tried, holding mikeys hand tight in his. "Does he have any physical injurys?" She asked, a twinge of pain in her voice.Gerard looked up to the cuts on his arms, they were sticky, no longer leaking blood as they would have been god knows how long ago. He knew they were at least a few hours old. "He- hes bleeding- his arms- he hurt himself" gee barely managed, sobbing harder. "Theres- an empty- empty pill bottle-""Does your brother have a history with mental health struggles before? Or is this very unlikely" she questioned, a careful tone to her voice.He choked out more sobs."He has- really severe chronic pain and- he struggles to cope- he- he was having a flare up last night- he- he didnt say anything- about- wanting to-" he stopped himself, unable to say the words yet."Sir there should be paramedics at the door in about 2 minutes okay? Can you please unlock the door- you are doing great okay?" He was far, very far, from okay....
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
It was time to clean the apartment.No one had slept more than a few minutes, everyone cried out and numb.They knew it would be a big task.And they knew it would be emotional. They silently made their way over in the car, gerard and bert in the back, ray driving as he kept his hand on franks knee, rubbing small circles over the joggers."Gee?" Ray asked, voice hollow. He looked up, nodding towards ray as bert took his hands close. "What do we need to expect?"He squeezed his eyes shut, the image of his brother, dead in his own blood and vomit. Bert squeezed his hand, taking a deep breath as he braced himself for gerard to cry again."Alot of blood and- alot of sick" he blandly spoke, burying his face in his hands now, pulling them from berts. "Thats okay, were- were gonna help get everything clean, we can take it one step at a time" ray nodded, he had really taken on the parental role, trying to hold everyone together.It was his way of coping with everything. As they walked up the stairs, they were met by a note on the door, which became clearer as they approached it.It simply read 'clean this shithole up, this is disgusting', and was signed by the next door neighbour, who they had issues with in the past. What did that. even. mean. Gerard broke down, sitting on the floor in the hall, head in his knees."Hey- gee-" frank crouched to the floor, stroking through his hair in an attempt to comfort him, and they were soon met by the next door neighbour, in his dressing gown, a cup of tea in hand."You finally decided to come back and clean up then- the whole building reeks" he snarked, looking down at gerard with a glare. Ray stepped forward, towering over the man. "His brother literally fucking died yesterday, alright? Have some respect" he spat, the man looking up at ray now, a shock on his face, taking a step back."How was i supposed to know? Im sorry-" he spoke with defensivness, no real care. Ray scoffed, "maybe next time use your fucking critical thinking and realise maybe something might have been wrong. Have a great day" he spat back with sarcasm, helping gerard up off of the floor, leading them inside.Some people had no fucking respect. "Im sorry-" gerard choked as he broke down more, stumbling to his knees as bert crouched with him. It pained them all to see gerard so- so hollow.He was missing the other half of himself."Gee- dont apologise- you have nothing to be sorry for-" bert soothed, bringing him into a tight, soothing hug. "I just- we were sitting- right there- just- the other night-" he looked up to the couch. "and now-" he tried, choking on a sob as he grabbed onto bert the best he could. "I know, gee- i know-" bert stroked through his tangled hair, pulling him close into his arms. Ray crouched next to them."How about frank and i go sort out everything in his room, and you and bert go and have a talk in your room okay? We will keep anything we think that is worth keeping, yeah? This isnt a task you are in the right mental state for now" rays voice was as soft as butter, he was so good at being a comfort figure.Gerard nodded, tears soaking into berts jumper. "Cmere, gonna lift you up, kay?" Bert whispered, lifting gerard up from under his arms, helping him to his feet, but keeping hands around him to keep gee upright."T-thank you guys-" he cried, bert helping to his room. Frank quickly cracked a window and took his hoodie off, overheating as he found himself struggling to keep tears back."Lets- lets try and just- get this over with" ray spoke, shuffling towards frank and wrapping his arms around him, hands resting on his lower back. Frank hummed into his chest, before they rummaged to find bin bags and bleach, gloves and anything else they think they would need. They started by throwing away the sheets.They were coated in blood, stains would be permenant now.The matress was stained, too.Tears silently streamed down franks face.He didnt have the energy to make noise.Ray placed the blade in a small zip bag, alongside the pills and the bottle, to be correctly disposed of, before removing the pillows and hot waterbottles.He found a piece of paper.Ray held it up, a small drop of blood on the corner, frank turned, empty eyes settling on it. "Is it-" frank began, stopping himself.He unfolded it, seeing the handwritten, shaky words, refolding it. He nodded. Placing it on the side. "Gee should read it first, its what mikes would want" They knocked on gees door, bert called an empty "come in", so they did.He was curled on berts lap, straddling his waist as he traced patterns up and down gerards spine, they had both been crying, it was clear. Gerard looked like a shell, his angst seeping into the room.Its like they could see his thoughts. And all of them were screaming about how much he missed his brother already."We um- we found a note" frank began, gerard instantly sitting up and turning to face the pair. Bert took one of his hands, eyes widening.Gerard looked sick.Physically ill."You do not have to read it yet. Thats up to you- okay?" Bert tried, gerard instantly shaking his head. "Have you read it-?" Gerard asked, a strain in his throat.Ray shook his head, taking a seat on the edge of the bed. "We thought he would have wanted you to read it first" ray handed him the folded paper, he had ripped the corner off with the blood, making sure it had no writing on it."Did you- find anything else?""Just- the blade and- a pill bottle, we threw away anything that was stained- i- i hope thats okay" he explained, placing a hand on gerards knee.He quickly got up and rushed to the bathroom, before they were met with the echoing sounds of gagging."Gee-" bert followed almost as fast as gerard had got up, rushing to hold his hair back. The world was broken without mikey.
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
They were in the car, driving to the crematorium wing of their local funeral home to collect mikeys ashes.Gerard hadnt made a facial expression in the 5 days that had passed since mikey passed, and everyone was becoming more and more worried.Frank was sitting in the back with gerard, holding one of his hands to ensure he wouldnt begin scratching his arms again, and all he wanted was to take away gerards pain, even if it was just for a day.He was ignoring his own pain. They pulled in, parking as close as they could to the entrance, ray felt a sinking pit in his stomach. It reminded him of the time he collected his mothers ashes, at just 8 years old.Frank felt sick, he hadnt eaten more than 3 meals in the almost week, despite rays nagging.Gerard hadnt kept shown any interest in food, or taking care of himself since, either. They managed to get gerard inside, he mindlessly walked into the reception, sitting down, ray walking to the reception desk.He didnt bother with niceities, he was too drained. "We are here for mikey way" he began, voice cracking as he tried to keep his composure."Would you three like to come with me? I am truly sorry for your loss, sir" the young man spoke, ray nodded and turned to face the others. He led them all to a private room, frank holding onto both ray and gerards hands, keeping them close and secure. He felt like if he let go, he would lose them too.The room was dimly lit, it was homey and comforting, candles burning and plants hanging from all corners of the room. The sofa was comfortable, dawned with plush pillows."My name is spencer, i would just like to give you my condolences before we start-" he introduced, ray looked down into his lap, as frank thanked him."Firstly, you can leave at any point, we have as long as you need, we understand you are all feeling very emotional right now and we want to be able to provide the best experience we can-" he began, pulling a briefcase from behind the sofa.Gerard was shaking in franks hands, but his stare didnt drift from his lap."We have his ashes here" spencer began, taking an urn out of the briefcase and holding it with such care. Gerard looked up, eyes glossed over as he stared at what his brother now was.Frank held back a choke, ray was already streaming with tears, silently falling onto his lap.Spencer passed the urn to gerard, he took it in his arms. The cold metal against his hands brought him warmth and comfort, pulling it closer to his chest. He hugged his brother, holding him in his arms once again.This is mikey now.He rested his forehead against the top of the container, curling into a ball the best he could, and before he could process what was happening, a loud, pain filled sob ripped from him. "Gee-" frank turned to him, wrapping an arm over his shoulder as spencer reached out to hand him a tissue, which frank took to give to gerard."I love you so- so much mikey" gerard whispered against the metal, caressing the side of the urn as he cried.It was like he had his brother back, in a way.It was the closest he would ever get.Gerard wouldnt ever let him go again. ... He didnt let him go the entire car ride home.Holding onto the urn as if it would fade to nothing when he let go.His brother was still thereIn a wayIn a way he wished he wasntHe wished he could feel his hug againHear his voiceWhen they got back home, gerard put on mikeys hoodie, his favourite one, and held him close until he passed out.Passed out holding his brother in his arms once again.
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
Frank was sat on mikeys bed, holding onto his dragon stuffed animal, emptily staring imto the pitch black room.He felt empty, and he was reverting to his old ways again.SmokingDrinkingDrugs, occasionallyHe was falling into a pit of despair.And it had only been 7 days.This time he didnt know if there was a way out. He soon heard a knock on the door, a sihlouete poking around that he could never mistake."Hey babe-" rays rugged voice now trailed through the room, before he slowly walked in and planted himself at the end of the sheetless bed.Frank just looked back at him with glossy eyes, lip quivering as he fought to hold back tears. "Talk to me frankie- whats going on?" ray whispered, reaching out to stroke franks thigh, hearing a sharp noise from frank as he hissed at the pain.Ray didnt know about the cuts under his joggers.He looked up with shock and suspicion, pained eyes looking back at frank, analysing his body language. He noticed him tense up, and frank felt a tear roll down his cheek, the physical pain and the emotional suffering too much."Frank, i told you to come and talk to me if this happened again-" he whispered, no malice in his voice, but maybe an edge of frustration.He buried his head into the dragon, a loud sob echoing through the empty room, ray rushing to curl his body over franks in a warm, tight hug."Im sorry ray- im- im fucking failing again-" he choked, shaking as he felt a panic attack coming on, he didny want to fall back into his old ways. Hurting himself just to feel something other than emptiness.Ray shushed frank, stroking his hands through his greasy hair, a kiss pressing to his forehead. "No babe, im not having that- you are far from failing" he insisted, rocking frank slowly in his arms. Frank shook his head against rays chest, he couldnt bring himself to audibly disagree. "Relapsing isnt failiure""I dont wanna go back to those ways ray-" he cried, choking on his own air. His body shook against rays. "Honey- you wont- you still have control of some things okay? Its fixable- frankie-" ray tried, he was so, so drained he didnt even know what he was saying."Ray i dont- i fucked up" frank tried more insistantly now, trying to get his point accross. "Why do you think you fucked up, frankie- hurting yourself doesnt mean you fucked up-" he insisted, stroking through his hair again. Frank let out another sob, this time it was muffled by rays chest."I took some stuff" he admitted, and a silence fell over the room.Ray pieced it together.He took a steadying breath, a tear falling down his cheek. "Can you tell me what you took please? We can fix this- im not mad- i swear love" ray slowly spoke, taking another steadying breath. All frank did was continue shaking in his arms, clutching onto the dragon with everything he had."Your gonna- be really upset and- i dont wanna go- i dont wanna go back to that hospital-" he whimpered, tears falling down his face into rays jumper as he tried to steady himself."Frankie listen to me, i am not going to be mad. I will never be mad at you for this because its basically out of your control- please just tell me what youve taken- you wont go back to that hospital frankie were gonna get you sorted-" he whispered into his fiances ear, holding his hand close."I have a stash that i didnt tell you about" frank broke, he was ready for ray to get angry and yell, or for him to leave frank or send him back to that fucking hospital-"Whats in it babe?" He carefully questioned, cradling him in his arms now. "Ketamine-" he cried, the word hardly making sense. "And- and weed gummies" he choked, squeezing his palm shut, feeling the small burn of his fingernails sinking into his palm. Ray was silent, he didnt know what to say."Ketamine?" Ray questioned, pain in his voice, he was shocked, not angry, shocked."Im sorry- im sorry- i- i cant- i couldnt fucking take it- and i- just needed go feel disconnected from what the fuck is happening" he choked out, begging ray for some form of forgiveness. "No- no no im not mad frankie- lets just take this one thing at a time, when did you take some?" He questioned, turning the light on to see his bloody arms, too.He could clearly see where he needed stitches.The cuts were so, so deep.How was he even still consious."Frank- oh- my god-""Its nothing, ill sort it out okay?" He insisted, a tear falling down his cheeks, breathing ragged as he looked down at the cuts. Ray felt a panic rise through him. "No- no- no. You either let me glue them up or we go hospital, and me gluing them is gonna hurt a fuck tonne more darling-" he insisted, a shake in his voice.Bert knocked."Can i come in?" Bert asked, worry in his voice as he tried. Frank nodded to ray, a tear falling onto his hand now. Ray quickly got up, rushing to open the door a crack. "Frank- frank hurt himself can you- get the first aid kit please? You dont have to come in if you dont want to but- he needs the extra support-" he whispered, bert rushing off to find it.He rushed back over to franks side, wrapping his arm over his shoulders. "Lets move this so you arent bleeding on the teddy okay?" He soothed, before he took it out of franks arms and began lifting the hoodie over franks head, leaving him exposed.He helped get franks joggers, taking them down and leaving him in his boxers. "Is this okay frankie?" He questioned, caressing the space on franks hip that was exposed now.He nodded, eyes squeezing shut as he tried to avoid his own body.As bert slowly entered the room, he perched next to frank on the bed, placing a steady hand on his bare shoulder. "You feel dizzy frank?" Bert asked, stroking the tear from his cheek as he leant into the touch."Not really- more just- pain" he cried, ray noticed the bruise from the needle on franks arm, and he felt sick. "Theres glue in here, and sterile wipes, but its gonna hurt" bert spoke honestly, ray trying to calm his panic attack. He squeezed franks hand tightly, trying to ground him the best he could."I dont wanna go back there again-" frank mindlessly sobbed, shaking his head. Ray cupped franks face, pressing a kiss over his eyelids, forcing them closed. "Frankie, you arent going back there, we arent taking you back there and you dont have to, but baby- we need to try and calm you down okay? Box breathing, cmon-" ray begged, stroking his forehead as he tried his best to do what he could."Box? What- what?" Frank was gasping for air as his tears carried on, bert preparing sterile wipes.Gerard knocked this time."Whats going on in there?" Gerard called, he was empty. Bert quickly shot up, rushing to the door to talk to gerard. He stepped outside.He was tear sodden, panic in his tired eyes as he clutched onto mikeys urn, still.He hadnt let it go since.Bert didnt know what to say, or how to say it. "Its gonna be okay gee, frank um- frank hurt himself- hes okay- just- very- very upset- you dont need to go inside if you dont wanna- and- if you need me- ill come out here and stay with you-" bert tried, softly whispering as he moved to wrap his arms around gerard."Is he okay?-" gerard sleepily spoke, leaning into his touch. "Hes okay, where do you wanna go, gee?" Bert soothed, resting his chin on the top of gerards head as he hugged him and mikeys urn close."Wanna see frank-" he whispered, pulling away from bert and opening the door slowly.It was the first time he had been in mikeys room since it happened."Hey frankie-" he whispered, walking over to sit at the end of the bed with mikeys urn, still holding it close. He didnt answer, just looking at gerard with tears in his eyes, sobs still echoing.Ray caressed his knee, trying to bring any form of comfort, taking his hand in his. "Frankie you are safe- no one is going back there- you arent going back there darling" ray continued to prompt, frank trying to take in steady breaths. "Gonna clean you up, gonna sting a bit frankie- you need me to get my inhaler?" bert warned, frank nodding softly against the pillow."Ill be right back- okay?" He spoke, ray going back to calming down franks breathing. 3 hours later, frank was glued up and calmer, he was now laying on gerards lap, he was sweetly raking his hands through franks hair. Ray was now asleep in bed, he was exhausted, and bert was out on a food run.He handed frank the urn.He held it close. The cold metal soothing against his burning skin.Mikey back in his arms.He understood why gee hadnt let go for days."Gee?" Frank spoke with a whisper, a crack in his tone."Yeah frankie?""You are the best brother we could ask for"A tear dropped down onto franks shoulder, he rolled over to face him."Frankie-" he sniffed, another tear rolling down. "I needed to hear that-" he cried."I love you gee, so much""I love you too frankie"
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Ive tried and tried and tried to carry on writing this but i just cant its too much for me, so im discontinuing this, idk if ill ever get the motivation to do this again but if i do ill see you there, i cannot keep reliving it every time i try and write You guys dont know what the support has meant to me and how amazing it has been to get this shit off of my chest❤️ thank you and im sorry
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So. Its been an incredibly hard few days and before i say all of this i want to disclaim im safe and so is my best friend. ( the "gee" in this "story".) I am under surveilence at a hospital and he has been admitted to a specialist ward.This is incredibly hard to talk about and my therapist is like right here while im writing this and shes the whole reason im doing this right now. 8 days ago, my partner passed away. understandably im devastated. This time, im not falling into the hole of bottling everything up for months on end like i did with jamie, so here i am writing again. I am completely broken and need to get some stuff out, so im back. Im also struggling to proccess what happened and my amazing therapist knows how much writing has helped me actually let events that have happened in my life to settle in and cement in my brain.For his privacy and previously expressed desires, i am not sharing his name or any real life identifiyable pieces of information, this is the same for me. In this, you just know us as ray and frank. Its also easier to share it if i feel im talking about "characters" and not us specifically.As some of you may know, the NHS is a mess at the moment. This is ultimatley the reason we couldnt get him the help he needed, it took me attempting myself to get admitted where i am now.Im not ready to talk about details of what happened but he committed suicide while i was asleep. This is once again, MY therapy project to help ME. Any disrespectfulness will be deleted, this is a ventpost, this is traumatic, but i want to and need to get it out because writing helps me process it. I am actually fucking broken right now, i apreciate your guys' support. I hope despite this being so depressing snd twisted, the next few chapters resonate with you in some way, and help you process your own pain. Ive been staring at this for 4 hours to try and get this posted and it took 2 for me to write, so updates arent exactly going to be easy or fast, but i thought since some of you are so dedicated to how you supported me that you deserved to know. Thank you guys
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Hi again. Its your IRL "frank" So im still in hospital. Ive also just found out ive been evicted from my apartment, because i cant pay rent and we struggled to the last few months.Ive been talking to "gee", weve decided to move in together for the time being, its not a smart idea we are alone rn and it makes sense financially considering london is remarkably expensive at the moment.Im struggling to feel anything right now, im really just empty. I didnt just lose the guy who i love with everything i have i lost the guy who saved my life too and made me who i am today. I wouldnt have recovered without him, I cant see myself ever moving on from this, i mean how the fuck could i, i love him with my whole heart. I recieved his ashes earlier and ive been fucking broken about it. I cant bring myself to read the note, and i cant stop crying, i feel incredibly weak as of right now cus he was the thing that made me strongIve been trying to focus on keeping my mind away from hurting myself and anything along those lines, because its not what he would want. Ive been doing alot of self reflection to try and make sure i understsnd what im feeling, its still incredibly hard but i need to let myself process grief rather than locking it away like i did with jamie. I havent accepted this is real yet even though i have his ashes in a bag on my lap as i write this, which is ironic.I genuinley couldnt hurt more right now, i cant see gee and i cant see jamie and i cant see the love of my life, like what the fuck am i meant to do to comfort myself. Ive been doing alot of shadow work and reflecting to try and work through my immediate emotions, its kind of helping. When i lost jamie i just locked myself down and didnt let myself feel anything, this time im letting myself feel the emotions which are there.Im posting this instead of a chapter because in a way, this is a chapter. Its my thoughts in written form, which is exsctly what this story is. This is just an update for the few that want to read and want to listen, i apreciate the support. Im not in a good place atm.I started writing a chapter earlier. The way it is going to work is it will be out of order. Im writing what i can when i can, and anything that is out of time order will be considered a flashback or a scene jump. Its probably going to take a more abstract route.I know i seem kinda apathetic in this. If u want the truth as i wrote this, ive thrown up 2 times, ive had 3 panic attacks and im so stressed my blood pressure is out of control and im at risk of having stress seizures. Im just not okay and im trying to get a chapter out because im having memory blocks and i need to make sure i dont block this out. I know i need to rememver all of this. My police statement is written and thats what im essensially using as my baseline to not forget. Its so hard to cope with i dont know how people get through this.The most painfull part has been calling companies and contacts for our wedding arrangements and cancelling the plans in order to get our deposit back, we need the money right now. Its so, so fucking painful. I have also been in contact with "jon" and "oli" who are now both out of hospital now. They are coming down from where they live to come see me in a few days when im out of here, everyones trying to provide their best support. Its insane how you can ose so many people so young I think the scariest part is thinking how am i going to move on. Where do i go from here, he was apart of me and he is just gone. What do i do and where do i go how am i supposed to just carry on as if he never was here. I literally feel ill thinking about how empty its gonna feel for the rest of my life. Im sorry for the venty post. But this is this story now, u got the character frank and now ur seeing the true person its based on Thank you all
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Frank needed to get home to ray. Immediatley.He was at work, stocking shelves in the back when his phone ringed, frank quickly picked up when he saw the name "sweetheart 😘" displayed on his screen.He held the phone to his ear as he set down a box, smiling already. "Hey babe-" he began, pushing the box onto the shelf. All he heard from the other end was sobbing. "Baby whats wrong? Where are you?" He asked in panic, anxiety building in his chest once more."Frankie-" he sobbed out, his speech broken by chokes and sniffs, frank immediatley walked to the office. "I need you-" he choked, frank could hear the pain in his voice. Frank sat down, holding the phone to his ear closer and taking a deep, steadying breath."Are you safe right now?" He quickly asked, running his hand through his hair with worry. He could still hear rays chokes down the phone, muffled between a "yeah"."Sweetheart, im coming home can you stay on the phone with me? Its gonna be okay im right here-" frank whispered, trying not to attract his boss' attention. "I feel- i cant do it anymore frankie i cant do it-" he sobbed, choking out words as frank rushed to clock out, gathering his things from the cubby hole.He felt horrified, his whole chest filling with anxiety as he rushed to tell his boss there was an emergency. "Honey im going to be there soon- hold tight- are you safe? Please can you tell me you are safe-" frank pleaded, rushing out the door with his keys in hand already.He heard rustling through the speaker, listneing out for whatever words he could decipher. "Im- scared" he just cried, frank could hear the pain dripping from his voice, even through the phone."Im right here honey- im on my way-" frank reassured, rushing down the street to get to their flat. He just needed to be with ray. He couldnt bare the idea of him there alone.Rays sobs echoed into franks ear as he barged through the busy streets, rushing to the apartment out of fear and care."Im so drained frank-" he cried, frank could hear how much he was shaking through the phone, it broke him. "Im so fucking drained-"Frank felt himself beginning to panic, but he supressed his feelings the best he could. The plead in his fiancés voice was soul shattering."Im nearly there darling, can you tell me what room you are in?" He asked, trying to figure out what kind of scene he would be walking in on, and what the chances of him being injured was. He heard a choke again, before ray spoke. "Im- in the kitchen" he whispered, voice quivering. His heart immediatley dropped. "Ray are you hurt at all?" Frank asked, rushing up the stairs in the apartment building now, body on autodrive as he made his way as quick as he could."A bit" was all he whispered, frank feeling sick now. He couldnt stand his boyfriend feeling like this. He reached into his pocket as he reached the apartment door, grabbing the key and rushing his way inside."Frankie-" ray called, franks immediate vision was on the kitchen, rushing to see his boyfriend. He turned the corner and dropped to his knees, the sight of ray in such a state so hard to take in.His arms were dripping blood as he moved them to try and hug frank, he quickly stopped him and immediatley grabbing a tea towel and wrapping the wounds. "Hey- hey stop moving- darling, look at me-" frank whispered, cupping his tear sodden face in his spare hand.Ray soon stilled, hazily looking up to his boyfriend. His eyes were blown and his stare long, tears still streaming down his reddened cheeks. Frank immediatley knew something was wrong, the look in his eyes was wrong."Ray, did you take something?" He asked, fear in his voice as he cupped rays face more paniced now. He nodded, slouching back as he choked back more sobs. "I cant get out of my head babe-" he cried, squeezing his eyes shut now. The room went cold, frank felt rising anxiety at the sight. "What did you take- how much did you take ray im- im calling 911-" frank now cried, flashbacks from the morning gerard had called them about jamie flooding him. He supressed it, trying to find a way to stay calm as he fought to get an answer from ray.Ray slouched forwards, taking franks hand in his in a desperate grip. "I- took- those painkillers" ray pointed to the corner of the counter, frank quickly getting up to grab what he was pointing at, a tear slipping down his cheek now.He recognised the bottle, it was an old bottle of mikeys pain medication. Frank fell back to his knees, holding it in his hand as he pulled his phone back out, dialling 911 as he shuffled back over to ray, pressing the tea towel back down on his wrist."911 what is your emergency?" The call centre attendant asked on speakerphone, the same apathetic tone to her voice. Frank sniffed back a tear as he read the back of the bottle, beginning to speak. "My boyfriend took some pills and harmed himself-" frank choked, saying the words physically hurt him. He cupped rays face as he spoke, eyes staring down worried out of his mind. "Is he consious?" She quickly asks, a keyboard clicking through the microphone. "Yeah- but hes bleeding and- he looks really dazed-" frank tried, pressing a kiss into rays forehead as he tried to unwrap the teatowel, the blood trickling down in a slow stream. "What did he take?" She asked with little care, frank was now doing breathing excersizes himself. "He took slow release naproxen- specifically 500mg- it was a prescription of a friend, he must have taken about 7 or 8-" he cried, hands shaking as he applied more pressure to rays wounds, ray looking up at frank with despair."How has he hurt himself?" She asked, still the same non caring tone to her voice. Frank looked down and cupped rays face again, pulling him into a hug as he pressed a kiss into his forehead. "He cut himself, around 7 wounds on his wrist and they are bleeding quite badly-" he choked, holding ray close as he shook, the anxiety filling him."Have you got a first aid kit or bandages lying around?" She questioned, frank holding the back of rays head to franks chest as he soothed him in a tight hug. "Yeah- we do- i have sterile wipes, strip stitches and glue- and bandages" frank cried, stroking through his hair as ray sobbed into his shoulder.The paramedic sighed. "Use those, im sorry we have limited services at the moment, please call 111 if you need aditional help" she emptily spoke, the phone going dead. Frank pulled away, jaw dropped at the shock.911 hung up on them.What kind of dystopia was this.Frank ran his hands through his hair in desperation, squeezing his eyes shut. "Fuck-" he whispered, exasperated. "Ive got you baby, can you give me what you used?" Frank asked through tears, stroking rays tears away with his sleeve. Ray nodded, handing a small kitchen knife over to frank, careful despite his intoxicated state."When did you take the pills-" he asked, squeezing his eyes shut. Ray shook his head, leaning back into franks shoulder. "About- um- an hour ago-" ray whispered, the sound muffled against franks chest, but he could still make out what he said.Frank let out a shaky sigh, he buried his head into rays curly hair, it tickling his nose as he found comfort there. "Do you think you can try and throw up for me? Get whatever is in your stomach out of your system? Please- im gonna bandage up your arm and then were gonna talk honey-" frank cried, trying to reassure ray."O-okay-" ray choked, clinging onto frank more. Frank smiled, pulling away slightly to help him off of the floor, leading him to the bathroom.He helped ray off of the floor, holding both of his hands as he led him to the bathroom, trying to make sure ray was careful as he walked. Ray was still crying, the tears streaming down his face as frank made sure blood didnt drip on the carpet. He crouched him infront of the toilet, stroking his back slowly as he held rays stomach, keeping the towel around his wrist. "Gotta try and make yourself sick baby please just- get anything out- im right here-" frank whispered, voice strained and broken as he stroked rays lower back, pressing kisses to his head. "Im sorry frankie-" he cried, resting his forehead on the toilet seat as he uncontrollably sobbed, frank pulled him into his arms."No being sorry- babe- its gonna be okay, can you please try- the tablets are slow release you need to get it out" frank insisted, lip quivering as he tried to hold back the sobs.He nodded, tears flooding down his face as he leant over the toilet bowl, shoving two fingers down his throat until he gagged. Frank couldnt watch, he felt like he was about to burst into tears, so he simply hugged onto ray and held the towel tightly over his wrist. He eventually felt ray throw up, rubbing his back and whispering reassurance into his ear. He couldnt bare the thought of losing him."Good- thank you baby- thank you-" frank cried, struggling to hold back tears as ray pulled away, frank wrapping around to wipe his mouth with tissues. "Can you come lean over here so i can bandage your arm? I love you so much-" he whispered, stroking rays thigh, reaching for the first aid kit. Ray was sobbing, the desperation for some kind of peace was the most painful thing frank had seen in a while.He leant against the wall, holding the tea towel to his wrist as frank dug through the box, finding sterile wipes and a bottle of glue, a roll of bandages and medical tape. He sighed relief, glad they had stocked up, he wished they didnt have to. "Im gonna glue it honey, stay still-" frank cried, nodding at ray for reasurance. Ray nodded back, bringing his spare arm up to cover his eyes, tears streaming down onto his shirt still."Talk to me honey- just- tell me whats going on in your head-" frank cried as he wiped the alcohol wipe down the trail of blood, dabbing the wounds to try and sterilise them the best he could, before he went in with the glue.Ray whimpered, slamming his head back against the wall. "i just- i feel so empty and i dont know what to do- i miss jamie and- everything is so stressful- what if they evict us-" he sobbed, running his hand over his face. "im so stressed thinking about everything that im not sleeping and i feel drained-" he rambled, coming out in one blow of energy. "I cannot fucking do it anymore baby-" he whimpered, squeezing his eyes shut as frank glued together the worst wound.Frank couldnt handle the idea of losing him.He placed the glue down, cupping rays face as he shuffled to crouch inbetween his legs. "I miss him too love- its gonna be okay baby i fucking swear to you its gonna get better-" frank tried, leaning his head against rays chest, letting out a sob as he tried to keep himself composed.This hurt, so, so fucking bad.
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Hey everyone So i got sent home from hospital today, "oli" and "jon" are staying with me for a while, the same with bert. Gee is coming out in a week aparently, were having a funeral.Im starting to process that im literally never going to see him again, its really taking a fucking toll on me. I still keep saying "we" and stuff cus we did everything together and i just like cant seem to grasp the idea that hes not coming back.I got evicted so ive got to go and collect all of my stuff later with bert and im fucking dreading it i dont even know what to do with all of "rays" stuff like im not ready to throw any of it but i cant store it all, the idea is making me physically ill.I genuinley havent had an appetite in weeks and im sick whenever i eat so they are reconsidering giving me a feeding tube again (i had one when i was 15 and anorexic) which i am DREADING.Literally nothing good is happening atm. I miss him literally more than anything, and its bringing me alot of stuff up from jamie too. Im so lost i feel like i dont have a purpose anymore, but ive decided im getting a tattoo with some of his and jamies ashes, they were both obsessed with bring me the horizon and their favourite songs were doomed and follow you so im thinking of getting the "i will follow you" tattooed in rays handwriting and "i think were doomed" in jamies on the other.I havent stopped crying all day and i feel hopeless but ive quit my job because they werent letting me have more time off, and i need to take time for myself rn.Ive also decided im keeping his battle jacket for myself, im not fucking letting him be forgotten. Ive seen a service which makes memorial rings for widows, im getting his and mine welded together and a band of his ashes through it too. Gee wants a tattoo too. Im trying to make sure i dont let people forget him.I need to get used to wording it because ALOT of people are messaging "rays" phone asking if hes okay, and i feel awful because i havent replied to any of them yet as i break down when i even try, so im gonna try and write it out now so i can almost practice telling ppl.I woke up and he wasnt there, i started having a panic attack literally immediatley because everything felt wrong. I went to the bathroom and yeah it was locked, we changed the lock to one thats really easy to unscrew, so i did, opened the door and he was just in the bathtub smothered in blood, he had taken a broken bottle and harmed himself. We found out he actually punctured an artery, he also cut his wrists really badly. He had been dead for about 2 or 3 hours. My immediate reaction was literally just to scream at the top of my lungs for like 20 minutes while hyperventilating and trying to hold him but the next door neighbour literally called the police (atp i hadnt called 999 cus i was having a full blown panic attack and obviously couldnt think straight.The police came and i answered the door and was sobbing, by this point i had theown up and was covered in his blood and all i remember is me just screaming like no and hes gone while the police literally handcuffed me, they kept asking what happened and i just kepy on saying hes gone i woke up and hes gone and they went to the bathroom and figured out what had happened, they got an ambulance out and by this point the police were trying to calm me down but i was also starting to have a ptsd episode, i dont remember alot but ive been completely filled in by the police, they uncuffed me and a paramedic tried to calm me down. I got taken in for questioning but i was in alot of distress and got the idea that i hadnt done anything as soon as they got in contact with the hospital aand got his medical rexords, gee was called and he came to the station with me, and we got escorted home after like 5 hours after stopping by the hospital. That night i literally just sat there in gees house and didnt say or do anything, and then the rest of it all unfurled. Its vwen inceesibly traumatic and im teying not to block it deom my memory but its hard. I cant stand this
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Dear diary (because thats basically what this is atp) The other day i found the birthday present he was supposed to give me. It was a handdrawn card, inside was just the words "taking you back to where it all began" and 2 tickets to see korn. We became friends over korn. It was my bday a week ago and i didnt celebrate, cus why the fuck would i lol.Im trying to write out more chapters because im finding it hard to remember things, but thats exactly why i need to write it down, so i dont trauma block it lol. Its either i can remember it moment by moment down to exact wording or i cant remember it at all, im a mess.One of the things i can remember vividly is literally just hearing "gerard" sobbing when he found out, also the exact moment i found "ray", i can remember the night before moment by moment and remember that the last thing he actually said to me was that he loves me more than anything, i insisted everythint was gonna get better and all he said was i know it will and wished me goodnight.I dont remember anything from after i found him, just pieces and bits, i had a ptsd episode and also just like had a complete mental breakdown, but i spoke to my neighbour who overheard and saw alot of what happened (he was the one who called 999) and the police and paramedics who were involved to piece together what happened.I dont remember what happened inbetween me getting intoxicated and walkng into moving traffic and him getting admitted to hospital (hes coming home in 2 days), but again im working between staff at the hospital and "bert" to figure it out too.I showered for the first time in a while today, and later were going to go on a walk to get some fresh air cus i we havent hardly left the house other than to get food and go to the hospital and stuff.Jon and oli have been walking our dog which is so helpful and they are reallly keeping a close eye on me especially, i cant sleep when im alone right now and jon has literally crashing in bed with me, which also is like a massive improvement for me ptsd wise cus ususally if ppl who wasnt ray caught me off guard or slept in the same room as me id feel so unsafe, now its the only way i feel safe which is bittersweet. It hurts that ik itll never be him again Weve decided to go to korn (me and "gee"), and its outside so were gonna spread some of his ashes there (weve got permission) and literally everything hurts i cant listen to music i cant keep down food (they are giving me a feeding tube tomorrow, im booked in for fucking 9am) as a safety precaution, i had one for ages when i was younger (the type that goes up ur nose and down ur throat) which should help a bit. I feel awful still and i dont think im ever gonna feel better. Nothing is helping but im not letting myself fall back into bad habits because he wouldnt want thay. I promise im trhing sith a new chapter. But i love you all and thamk you, it just might take a while x
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Hey everyone So ive been writing the next chapter and realised yall dont know this about us, especially me and "ray".Ive been practicing witchcraft since i was 11 years old (so 10 years now). I frequently use tarot cards and use various wiccan practices in my daily life, and strongly follow the teachings of laveyan satanism. (I would consider myself an atheistic laveyan satanist, not a wiccan, but the two overlap alot)No, i do not believe in "magic" in the conventional sense or "satan". Magic to me is manifestation. Put out positive energy into the universe and you will recieve positivity back. I also believe that if i connect with the earth in various ways and im in touch with nature then i can work with the universes energies to manifest positivity for myself and those around me. At times these practices have been the only things keeping me sane.When ray and i met, he had been curious about wicca and other practices similar, and i introduced him to alot of practices and he eventually began practicing too. Mikey was apart of the church of satan for 2 years but left due to controversy but has been a firm believer in satanic views for years, gee never rlly dabbled in it much but agrees with alot of the teachings, just not as in touch with the spiritual side of it.I left this out to not scare ppl off or draw away from what the point of this diary was about, but i feel like i have to talk about the specific moment ray and i shared a few nights before he passed, because its haunting me. I personally do a ritual when someone or something i know passes. For me it always consists of creating a protection circle in the place of their death or a place i heavily ascociate with them, seeing if i can have any communication with their spirits and trying to focus on seperating the thoughts and energy i feel about that person and bind it to that location, and when i want to process that trauma and work through those emotions i go back there. Its about separating grief from my daily life and binding it to one location.Ik u reading this probably thinks thats a load of bullshit but its my beliefs and my religion so im going to practice it.As im writing this im sitting in my protection circle which is in mikeys room, its directly next to his. This has been my safe place at the moment and i really just felt like talking about this right now, but my mates are all asleep and gee is coming home tomorrow and isnt here. If anyone wants to know more about these practices and how ive applied it to various points in my life and where i censored it out of this story, comment and ill answer any questions you may have ❤️ Again, this is my belief system and its incredibly personal to me so please keep it kind, i am fragile right now and dont want criticism. New chapter out in a minute, just a pre warning ❤️
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"Ray you need to listen to me-" frank begged, holding his boyfriend close in his arms. His body shook with the sobs, his body cold to the touch from how long they had been in the freezing bathroom. Frank let out a steadying breath, thinking about what to say to him carefully. He didnt want to make this any worse.He looked directly into rays eyes, hoping the plead in his own would be enough. "I need you to tell me whats going through your mind- i need to know so i can offer help" he whispered, cupping his fiance's face.Ray squeezed his eyes shut again, body going limp against frank again. "I just feel empty all of the time- im- i hate that im empty- why cant i just be fucking normal for 5 minutes" he choked, the self hatrid in his voice clear as day.Frank again took a breath to try and steady himself, trying to stay composed for ray, but he knew it wasnt working for much longer."Is that why you-" frank cut himself off, unable to even say the words in the moment. Instead he removed the cold towels off of rays wrists, and stared down at the burns which littered his arms beneath. He shook his head, tears soaking through franks jumper now.Ray shook his head again after a pause, frank knew he wouldnt be able to verbally say it, ray often had struggles with his verbalising how he felt and reasons why he did harmful things.Frank rested his forehead against rays, gently squeezing the cold towel over the burns once more. "Please, please tell me- i need to know sweetheart so i can help you-" frank tried again, wiping a tear from rays cheek.He was shaking and struggling to keep himself steady. "Its okay ray, im not mad, im not upset- i just need you to try and talk to me okay?" He cried, pressing a kiss to his forehead before returning to their previous position.Ray took a deep, shaky breath, squeezing his eyes shut. "Cutting didnt make me feel anything so i tried this instead" he whispered so quietly frank would have missed it if he wasnt searching so hard for an answer.Cutting didnt make him feel anything. Those words hurt.Frank knew how desperate he must have been for some kind of release. And that hurt him, so much. He remembered the times he would do anything to cause harm to himself."Thank you darling- thank you for telling me" he whispered, cupping rays face. He hoped now he got the ball rolling it would be easier for him to talk. "Do you feel empty or do you feel stuff but its numbed?" Frank whispered, a tear rolling down his cheek which he ignored.Ray crumbled into frank again, tears soaking franks hoodie again. "I feel but its like- i know i feel sad but i dont feel it the same way i cant explain it-" ray shook, desperation clear in his voice.Frank didnt need ray to explain more, he knew exactly what he meant. He stroked his fingers through rays rangled curls and nuzzled into the crook of his neck, holding him close. "You dont need to explain more baby i know what you mean- its like you feel but its suffocated-" frank whispered, ray nodding against him."What can i do right now to make it feel better-" he whispered, a strain to his voice. Ray shook his head, tears falling still. "I dont know- i just need peace my brain hasnt stopped- i cant relax" he desperatley cried, the sobs like acid in franks ears.Frank thought for a moment, thinking about what would be the best thing to do to comfort ray a tiny bit. "Can you come to the bedroom with me? Gotta put you in something warm- you are freezing- and then i want you to get everything out of your head- you can have some of my sleeping pills if you cant sleep still love-" frank whispered, knowing he hadnt slept in around 2 days.Ray nodded, still choking on his own breaths. Frank placed his fingers on rays pulse, noticing that his heart was pounding. "Your heart is pounding babe can you try and follow my breathing-?" Frank tried, taking his hands as he overexxagerated his breathing pattern for ray to follow, which he quickly showed efforts in trying. Ray leant back slightly, taking slow breaths in which occasionally staggered with gasps, tears still streaming. "The less worked up you are the easier itll be to talk about it honey-" he reassured, pulling ray into a tight hug, being careful of his arms.He had burnt them by heating a butter knife with a lighter, pressing the scolding metal against his wrist to leave blisters. Painful, scratched blisters.Frank sighed a breath of relief when ray seemed to have finally calmed his breathing to a comfortable, slow pace, and he cupped his partners cheeks. "You ready to go to the bedroom to change?" He whispered, knowing he needed to get ray into a short sleeve tshirt and new joggers, the ones he was wearing were damp with tears and the drips from the cold, damp cloth.He nodded, clinging onto frank as they carefully stood up together, making sure he didnt get too dizzy from the sudden movement. As ray sat down on the bed, his hands resting in his lap as sparse tears slowly fell, frank rummaged through the drawer for a pair of clean joggers and a short sleeve shirt, to avoid the fabric sticking to the burns.He walked back over to ray, the aching pain in franks chest still there tourmenting him. "Can you lift your arms up so i can change your shirt love?" He whispered, knowing ray felt overwhelmed by the pain and bright lights of the bathroom, now seeming to relax in the darkness of their room.He nodded, slowly lifting his arms up as frank manouvered the long sleeved fabric over his burns in a careful movement, lifting it over his head and throwing it into the corner. "Can you put that on for me-" frank asked, unfolding the joggers now. He took the shirt and put it on, he visibly wasnt careful about avoiding the burns, but frank let it slide as to not make him panic again."Change into these honey, are you cold?" Frank questioned, cupping his cheek and wiping the warm tears away. Ray nodded, leaning into his warm touch as he searched for more comfort. He backed away enough that he could change into the fresh joggers, now digging out a hot water bottle and a hoodie with baggy sleeves.He placed the waterbottle down on the bed, ray just stared at it. He noticed rays lip tremble, his hands coming up to his face again as he let out a choked sob.Frank quickly sat next to him, holding ray around the waist as he hugged him. "Babe what happened-" frank whispered, confusion in his voice. He wondered if ray just couldnt hold it in, or if something else plagued his mind.Ray shook his head, turning back to look at the hot water bottle. "I miss mikey-" he choked, tears streaming again. Frank felt tears prick his own eyes, he could feel the sinking pit deep down in his chest get deeper.Frank hid his snifffle, buring his face in rays shoulder. "Oh sweetheart- i know-" he choked, holding him with delicate care. "I miss him too-" he muttered, tears soaking rays new shirt. "Would you rather just put on the hoodie? Im gonna pin the sleeve up so it doesnt get fluff on your burns sweetheart-" he whispered, stroking rays thigh sweetly through his own tears."Reminds me of him-" he cried, choking on tears again. Frank sat up, cupping rays cheek again. "Dont let your breathing get choked up again darling-" he remimded, reassuring eyes trying to bring ray any comfort he could.He took some steady breaths, trying to keep himself from another panic attack. Ray nuzzled into frank, his spare hand grabbing his necklace, the small vial of mikeys ashes inside of it."We gotta learn to live without him babe- the worst part about loss is life goes on without them and we cant sit in grief forever, its not what he would want-" frank cried, trying to keep his own panic away.Ray sunk closer, nodding against him. "I know- im just finally unpacking what happened and coming out of denial- and- i feel awful every single day-" he whispered, the pain in his voice was clear. "That means you are processing it honey, you arent in denial- you are moving on and thats healthy progress- im just- so sorry you feel like this all the time-" frank sniffed back a sob, resting his hands on rays waist as he stroked gentle circles against him. "Do you want me to get out my cards?" Frank asked, knowing sometimes the tarot readings would give him specific things to focus on.He nodded, taking off his necklace and placing it on the bed, frank kissing his forehead as he stood up. "Can i trust you to be alone while i get the cards and make tea? I need you to get comfortable and take a minute to focus on what you are really feeling-" frank whispered, pressing another kiss to rays temple. He nodded, letting out a shaky breath. "You can trust me" he whispered, shuffling back on the bed to find a comfortable position.As frank made his way to the kitchen, rummaging through the drawer to find a lighter and the box of incense, picking up the cloth which held the cards. He tucked it under his arm, going into the cupboard to retrieve their protection jar and bringing it all through to the bedroom again. He quickly turned back around, grabbing burn cream from their drawer, too.Frank felt a particular strong radiant energy from the items he was holding, like a cold shiver down his spine. He felt no particular emotion from them, but he knew it was going to be a powerful and emotional reading. He spent a moment breathing, relaxing himself as he tried to clear his head. He thought carefully to himself about how to keep his energy neutral for the reading. Eventually he realised it had been about 5 minutes of leaning in the doorway to the kitchen, and he stood back up and made his way to the bedroom.He entered the room, ray was sat in a ball at the centre of the headboard. He wasnt heavily crying anymore and he sat in a relaxed position. The occasional tear fell, but he seemed more focused on managing his energy. He smiled to himself, a small smile, but a smile at that."You need a drink or something honey?" Frank asked, voice groggy but still warm with love and care. Ray nodded, opening his eyes. "Can i have water please?" He asked, still keeping his deep, steady breathing. Frank placed everything in a pile on the bed, ray picking up the cards and unfolding them from the cloth. Frank going to get two glasses of ice cold water. Once they were set up and ray had applied the burn cream to his wrist, frank lit the incense. He placed it in their holder on the bedside table, taking the deck in his hands and giving the jar to ray."I think im gonna do a celtic cross and a weakness triange" frank explained, his voice like butter as he quietly spoke to ray, trying yo keep him calm. Ray nodded, trying to fight away the tears as he took a sip of water. The celtic cross spread was only to be used in times of deep turmoil and distress, and this seemed to be a time where ray needed to organise his thoughts.The 10 cards drawn represent your relationship with the present, the challenge, the past, future, above, below, advice, external influence, hopes and fear and the outcome. This time, ray was reading it in terms of guidance for inner peace. He needed to unpack what he felt deep down."If you think this isnt helpful at any point or wanna take a break we can sweetheart, remember that-" he whispered, reaching out for rays hand, which he gratefully let frank take.He nodded, closing his eyes as he pressed a kiss into franks knuckles, before he sat back and thought deeply to himself about his feelings. The cards drawn were almost all from the major arcana, signifying the magnitude of rays battle, the pain he felt mirrored in the cards. The cards read V of cups, III of swords, the fool, the magician, X of swords, the moon, the reversed devil, the page of cups, the knight of cups and death.As the death card was pulled, ray broke down. A common misunderstanding would assume ray just found out that he would lose someone else. The card of death truly represents change. A new beginning. It signifies a cycle coming to an end, and a nes one starting, the end of grief and pain, a new period of freedom and fresh starts.The idea of a new beginning was horrifying to the pair. They knew what they would have to endure to find that peace, and the pain the peace would bring. It was bittersweet knowing deep down that one day they would have to cope without mikey and go on with their lives.Frank shuffled past the cards, holding him through his tears, body trembling as each sob muffled its way into franks shirt. He needed to let it out. If only frank knew he would be doing it without ray.
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Frank screamed, and screamed, and screamed. Pointlessly. There was no point in him screaming, he didnt know why he was screaming.Screaming wouldnt bring his partner, his everything, back to life.He felt tears soaking his cheeks as his hands pulled at ray, trying to get him out of the bathtub. The red was everywhere and it was nauseating. It leaked from his wrists and his nose, his eyes lifeless and staring forward blankly.The little sparkle he always had in his eyes was dull. They werent beaming with love anymore, they were just clouded and grey. Frank felt a bit of life drain from his chest, too.His hair was damp and his mouth was open and sick and blood coated everything-Frank felt a pain he had never felt before. Worse than the tearing pain of being raped for the first time. Worse than the ache in his chest from losing his best friend. Worse than the excruciating agony of watching his other half spiral into a pit of depression which was bound to result in this.It finally came, the inevitable happened.He cupped his cheeks, moving down to his neck to find a pulse, which he knew wasnt there. He dragged his hand down to his chest, resting his hand over his heart. Nothing. Just cold under his hand.All he felt was pain surging through him. Next thing he knew, there was a bang at the door. He got up, stumbling his way through the kitchen with blood on his hands, he pulled the door open, greeted by police officers. "Sir weve had a complaint-" one cop spoke, before quickly turning silent.Frank fell to his knees, hands infront of him and chokes suffocating him worse than he had ever felt before. "Hes gone- help-" was all he could muster, a police officer barging past him with a walkie talkie, one crouching infront of him. "Who is gone sir" he asked, taking caution.Frank could only sob, he was empty. "My boyfriend-" he choked out, falling as his head rested on the floor, body limp with the desperation. "Sir, what happened to your boyfriend, have you harmed him at all?" The officer asked, reaching behind frank to cuff his wrists. "We are cuffing you until we have a clear picture for your safety and ours, you are not under arrest" he spoke, and frank began zoning out."No- no- fuck please get off it me please- please get off of me" frank began to struggle against the restraints, the officer pulling him to his feet, 2 more helping. The officer from inside returned, a shocked expression on his face. "Sir stop resisting-" the one holding frank up instructed, but the other officer stopped him. He sighed. "Ive called backup, sir can you sit down please? Why are you resisting-" the man asked, a sympathetic tone to his voice.He shot a look to the other officers, it telling the other officers what they needed to know. Frank choked more, shaking now as he felt nausea bubble in his chest. "He- hes gone- i didnt do it i swear- he- he killed himself- fucking- let go of me- i dont-" frank spoke before he threw up onto the floor infront of him, going limp as the officer held him up."Sir im so sorry- dude uncuff him-" the officer who had returned from the bathroom spat at his collegue, he placed a hand on his shoulder and one on his waist to try and hold him up as the other officer uncuffed him, the remaining two trailing off to the bathroom he had emerged from.Frank colapsed onto the sofa they had guided him to, the officers patting him down to check for weapons. He jolted away from them. "Stop- please fucking stop-" frank nearly shrieked, kicking away from them. He curled into a ball, tucking his knees to his chest as he rocked back and fourth. "Sir you need to stop resisting, what is your name?" The officer asked demandingly, the other glaring at him again. He choked out frank, the mean officer going to the sink to get a glass of water. The nice one crouched, resting a hand gently on his knee, frank flinched away from that too."Are you injured? Is that why you dont want us to touch you?" The officer questioned, franks entire body was shaking violently. He shook his head, tears streaming into his knees. "PTSD-" was all he could plead out, hoping it would be enough. Flashes of the ache in his chest from losing gerard mixed with the pain of the now, the feeling of his uncle overpowering him making the scenario more unbarable than it should have been.He quickly removed it, hands in the air as he took a deep breath. "Frank, everything is gonna be just fine, alright? We are going to take this one step at a time, is that okay?" The officer soothed, voice full of pain for him.Frank shook his head, gasping for air. Everything span. He didnt even know how the police got here."Frank, the paramedics are almost here. Can you follow my breathing for the meantime?" The officer asked, the other man helping sit frank upright to hand him the water. Frank hardly replied, just letting out a whimper. "Cant do it- cant- hes gone?-" frank almost questioned, leaning forwards to throw up again. The officer moved out of the way, running to the kitchen to grab a bowl.Soon paramedics barged in, 3 rushing off to the bathroom and 2 crouching infront of frank with the officers. "Can you tell me what happened frank?" The paramedic that just so happened to always show up asked, frank let her touch him. She rested her hands on his knees, onceing him over with her eyes to pinpoint any injuries. "I- hes gone- my boyfriend- he killed himself-" he choked, body shaking as he buried his face into his knees."Frank, everything is going to be okay. Right now, we need to focus on breathing slowly-" she tried, frank was just hysterical. "I need- let me- let me see him again-" frank choked, grabbing onto his hair as he tried to find a way to get up, trapped in the corner of the sofa.The paramedic removed his hands from his hair, holding them both despite the blood that coated them. Frank stared down at it, the red that was now turning sticky between his fingers, the realisation setting in his chest like a thick layer of acid which just burnt.Thats his blood, and thats the closest he would ever be to ray again.So he savoured it, resting his hands on his chest again, curling into a ball around his hands.One final hug.
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Hey guys So. Gee and i have found a flat in a little town. Its close enough to london that we can get the train for concerts and friends. Im back in hospital as of rn however.After i posted the chapter i kind of broke down. I had a relapse and ive done some pretty bad nerve damage in my leg and it keeps spasming. Cant really move it very well either and ive had to have quite extensive stitches.They are reconsidering me for the hospital i was in again, which isnt going to do me good. I need to be in the real world otherwise im not gonna cope, and i refuse to leave gee and bert and evrryone alone. Btw, they are a couple now officially which has brought a tiny flame of light into my life again.Theres a small chance my leg is gonna permenantly have issues now, but im being put on new medication now which is supposed to help me with my issues.I really fucking miss him. I really really miss him but its became a numb sorta background noise now? It hurts so fucking much but its now just becoming a dull constant ache in the background no matter what. Like i feel happy, snd all i think is how can i be happy when hes noy here? And i feel sad and then i remember ill never have him to comfort me again. I have spikes where its awful and i feel like just fucking drowning myself but i cant do that to gee and i dont actually want to die. I just want them both back.I feel so ill rn and i keep rereading the note and this bloody fic and just reliving it all and i hate it, but ik i need to try and statt getting my act together. We need a place to live, gee needs support, i need a job and oli n john need to go bsck to their lives. I love yiu all so much, im just scared at rhe moment. Thank you for letting this be my outlet ❤️
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He sat blankly, staring forwards in the private room in the hospital, police opposite him and nurse close to his side. Her arms wrapped gently around franks shoulders, slowly stroking her hand up and down his upper arm.Gerard was on the way. He was in a taxi, he was too upset to drive.Frank was empty, nothing was real and he wanted to die.The police officer leant forwards, trying to console frank still. Not that he was listening."Frank its quite clear this wasnt your doing. We have looked at his medical records of the last few years and the incident which had occured and it is clear it was a suicide. We have some evidence we need to process at the station but you will be allowed the note, his phone and the rest of his belongings soon" the officer spoke slowly, trying to ensure frank understood what he was saying in his state.Franks ears pricked up at that. He froze, his eyes coming back in focus. The sinking feeling in his chest returned. "Theres a note?" He questioned, unaware that there was one in the beginning. The officers eyes widened, mentally scolding himself for not checking if he was aware.He let out a sigh, nodding his head. "Im sorry i wasnt aware you didnt know. There is a note, we have taken it in along with some other items from your house to match his handwriting. I am so sorry you werent made aware of this" he apologetically spoke, writing on his clipboard.The nurse slowly stroked up and down his arm still. "Is this all real-" frank whispered, in complete denial to himself. The nurse turned to him, taking her hands off of him now. it is love, your friend is almost here okay? Were going to be here for you the whole way through this-" she began, and frank blew up.He stood up, backing towards the door. "No- no- you fucking wont be, the NHS is the reason the love of my life is dead. We called an ambulance weeks ago when he was out here slitting his wrists and they just told me to use the first aid kit- he sat there and told me he was so depressed he didnt feel anything and the GP told us to go home- its a fucking epidemic- first my friend and now my husband- what the fuck is going to happen next-" he began yelling, almost immediatley blowing up from zero to ten in milliseconds.The police officer stood up, putting the clipboard down. "Frank i understand you are upset right now, can we please lower your voice and take a moment?" The officer asked, stepping forwards to offer frank a seat on his sofa. The nurse began talking again. "I know, frank. I hate that we cant do more, i hate it so much, we are trying our best as a hospital. Ive already put you forward for a spot on our therapy program" she spoke, a true pain and frustration in her voice. Her paiger went off, and she smiled slightly. "Your friend is here, can you wait here with the officer while i get him?" She asked apologetically, and frank nodded.He sat down where the officer was sitting, and he broke down sobbing again. "Im sorry-" he choked, burying his face into his knees. The officer tutted out of sadness, crouching in the space infront of him. "Frank, you have every right to be upset at the moment. Do not be sorry, is that all true what you said about them treating you guys like that?" The officer asked, a concern in his voice. Frank nodded, holding down vomit again. "They turned him away and now hes dead its- i wish i could have done better for him" frank sobbed, whole body shaking now.The officer placed a hand on his knee. "Frank you did the best you could for him. This isnt anyones fault. Im so sorry you are going through this at the moment." He spoke, as gerard walked into the room.He just walked in, everything about him just numb and unresponsive.He sat next to frank and just latched onto him, holding onto him for dear life."Are you okay?" He whispered, voice monotone and empty. There was nothing left there. Frank knew the question meant more than are you okay. It meant everything and nothing, because nothing mattered anymore.Frank shook his head, holding back onto him too. "Im so sorry i fucking let this happen" frank sobbed into gerards shoulder beginning to shake as he fully let himself go. Gerard held him closer, letting out a sniff himself. "No- this is not your fault do you hear me frank?" Gerard shakily whispered, a demand in his tone. Frank shook his head, another thought striking him.He had to actually live without ray now.How the fuck was he going to cope without his shoulder to cry on and his constant and persistant support. He was gone just like mikey."This cant be happening-" he sobbed, tears soaking into gerards hoodie. His body shook with the cold that had settled into his bones and chest, the smell of blood still present in his nose and the taste of vomit reminding him of what ray had been found like.Gerard pulled away, cupping franks cheeks with a scared kind of love. "I need you to promise me one thing right now-" gerard cried, eyes pleading and puffed from the tears which were now in a steady stream down his reddened cheeks. Frank nodded, resting his head against gerards chest as he let out more sobs. "You promise you arent going to leave too?" He pleads, letting out a more pained sob as he rested his forehead on the top of franks head. The pain that shot through franks chest made him physically shudder."Im not gonna do that to you gee-" he whispered through hiccups, the tears drowning him. He couldnt bare the thought of gerard rattling around in his apartment, alone.Gee whispered small praises into franks hair, comforts and "were gonna be okay" falling from his mouth. Frank was falling deeper into his thoughts, the numbness subsiding and emotion taking back in.He felt his lungs tighten, his chest thumping as he tried to gasp for air. He tried to calm the storm but it just didnt quell and he felt more and more chokes in his throat suffocating him.He wasnt gonna feel his hug again.He wasnt going to hear rays singing or listen to his voice as they chatted late at night.He wasnt going to feel his kisses against his lips or his neck, he wasnt going to feel the reassuring strokes of rays thumb to his palm when he was anxious.He would never feel the comfort of falling asleep on his chest or the hear the worry when frank went quiet or was upset. He would never get to feel the pleasure of rays hands on his waist as they fucked or the feel the pure happiness when they experimented with something new. He would never get the joy of watching ray try something new or out of his comfort zone.He couldnt smell his fucking shampoo or cuddle for hours or go to concerts together- he would never hear the pure excitement of his partner seeing his favourite band.They would never get married. Frank felt nothing but pain, settling into gerards chest, shoulders tense as he realised he would never feel comfort again."Sweetie, can you take a deep breath for me?" A new voice interupted, frank now sitting forwards, gerard wrapped around him from the side. Frank gasped for air, colapsing in on himself as his body shook.He took a final breath in, room spinning more than it had been previously, before it all went black.
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I cant be bothered with all of this anhmore im logging out i hurt too much ive been sectioned "gee" killed himself and im done now.I love you all and thank you for reading. I might be back one day but i reallt dont think i will i think this part of my life is overStay steong and be who the fuck you want to be, love you you wanna love and make the mosy of what you have before it fuckibg ends, you are all incredible ♥️Peace out
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The emptiess of franks life had taken over.No notifications on his phone, no warmth next to him in bed, no laughter or joy at work.No more concerts, because he couldnt go alone. Not with all the drugs and alcohol there, with no one to support him.No hands to hold his waist while he drifted to sleep, no snoring from the space where ray belonged.No more flowers on the table or walks in the park.No more hot showers, because he doesnt pay the bills.No more dinner, no more sweet pea, bevause frank wasnt cruel enough to keep her around.He knew he wasnt a good owner anymore, and he didnt deserve her comfort.His life was empty and dull and lacking emotion, he hardly got out of bed.When he wasnt alone in the house, he was too drained to speak.He stopped taking his medication and stopped getting it refilled. Why fill the void with pills that dont stop the emptiness? The only place he felt anything, was feeling cold granite beneath him, the damp stone seeping through his joggers, but he didnt care.He never cared about anything anymore, reallyThe air thats so cold he could taste blood, the smell of dirt and grass and occasionally a bonfire from the field over.He only felt alive reading the names on the stones and knowing they are right there, all together again.Until hes thinking about how come they all get to be together yet hes alone?Why do they get to rest and not him, why do they get peace together but he still has to fucking sufferJust alone now