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ryan ross auditions for the academy is… as a malnourished-skinny, innocent-to-a-fault, doe-eyed eighteen year old who still has bruises on his arms and legs as a result of living with the father he just escaped from. william beckett, the band’s founder and lead singer, is only a year older, and just as thin, but without the kindness ryan so desperately needs someone to show him.“so, like, what’s your name?” william is looking at ryan with sharp eyes, and he’s not feeling any better about his audition. "ryan, uh, ross." william doesn't seem impressed. "what are you playing for us, ryan?" he asks, impatiently tapping the folding table he's sat at with the other band members.ryan swallows hard. “u-um, i’ll play-" "just get started already," william cuts in. "we don't have all day." ryan clutches the neck of his acoustic guitar and fishes a pick out of his pocket. he plays an elliott smith song, all while trying not to lock eyes with william, who’s intimidatingly perfect. somehow he makes it all the way through without anything disastrous happening. he packs up as quickly and quietly as he can while william talks quietly with the rest of his band. deliberating voices, ryan knows. the same tone his best friend spencer's parents use when ryan has to stay over for the weekend again. ryan doesn't want to be a hindrance, he just needs a home.he turns to leave, tears forming in the corners of his eyes. "hey, ryan, wait up." it's one of the guys from the table, who's built kind of like a football player but is wearing a cardigan. he guides ryan up the basement stairs until they're out of earshot of everyone else. "you sounded really good, honest," he begins. "we're near the end of our auditions, and nobody else has topped what you just did there. i think you're a solid dude, and i'm going to do my best to have you in the band." he pulls a piece of paper and pen from his pocket and has ryan write his number on it. "i'll call you tomorrow if it's a deal, alright?" ryan nods solemnly. “h-hey, um. is that one guy always like that?” "oh, william's kind of a diva, but he's really sweet once you get to know him. he's just kind of…affrontive at first." ryan doesn’t feel reassured, but he nods and smiles at mike.when he gets a call the next evening, ryan picks up his phone with shaky hands. “hey, ryan!” he’s glad to hear mike’s voice, instead of william’s. "you're in the band!" ryan nearly drops the phone in shock. “i’m in the band?!” "yeah, congrats! are you busy tonight? we're going out to celebrate."ryan meets his new bandmates at a bar he’s too young to get into. he feels exceedingly plain next to william as soon as he walks in and sees him all bedazzled up with perfectly styled hair. ryan, in his jeans and band t-shirt, feels very underdressed and immature. william eyes him like he can see right through him. “ryan! ohmigod, like, hi!” he flounces over to him, his skinny jeans riding down over his dangerously sharp hips.“since you’re, like, gonna be our new guitarist,” william goes on before ryan can get a word in edgewise, “i should totally give you a makeover, yeah? you’re cute,” he looks ryan up and down, “guys would totally love you if you curled your eyelashes and…we'll work on your hair, too.”ryan wants william to like him, so he agrees. besides, he does kind of want a makeover. after an evening of scummy guys flirting with william, as well as ryan hoping no one notices he’s not drinking any alcohol, william invites ryan to his place so that the makeover can commence. “you are gonna be in my band,” william points out. of course, ryan might as well get used to being bossed around. it's kind of nice, actually, having william pay him so much attention, even if it's for not entirely unselfish reasons.william starts with ryan’s hair. he shampoos it in the sink, and then sits ryan down in a chair with a towel around his neck. after observing ryan from a few different angles, he gets out a pair of hair-cutting scissors and works on giving ryan emo side bangs. his long fingers work at parting and brushing back sections of ryan's hair, and he makes every cut with precision. then, he trims the ends of ryan’s bob until it’s stylish and choppy, and puts spray and other products in it until it’s shiny and perfect. after what feels like a few hours, william is finally satisfied with his work. ryan blinks at himself in the mirror. he looks almost as pretty as william himself.“okay, sweetie, now we just need to work on your makeup and clothes,” william says, satisfied with his work, “you’re lucky, with that face and that figure.” ryan blushes slightly, not often being noticed by other people, let alone complimented on his looks. “o-oh, um, thanks,” he says, not mentioning the fact that his slender body is a result of childhood malnutrition. "if you were taller we could share pants, but you can still probably fit into some of my tops," william observes.before ryan can even respond, william is handing him a pile of tiny little shirts, most of them crop tops. "i don't know if-" "oh, don't worry," william assures ryan, assuming the younger boy is worried about changing in front of him. "there's a lock on the door."ryan swallows hard. he tries on a little black crop top with purple roses on it. honestly, it suits him. with his new hair falling in his face, the eyeliner and lip gloss william helped him apply, and the shirt, ryan looks every bit as pretty as william. he can hardly believe it when he looks at himself in the mirror. with his breath still caught in his throat, he walks out to william and stands shyly in front of him, waiting for his reaction. "eew, i can see your ribs," william says, pretending to fake gag. ryan's so taken aback by the reaction, as well as just disgusted at himself, that he feels like he's about to cry. "god ryan, i'm just messing with you," william scoffs, catching on to ryan's watering eyes. "you look very cute."ryan smiles. a little shakily, but it’s still a smile. he feels cute. he feels like part of the band.
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
it’s only a few days later that ryan meets pete, and instantly he’s in love. pete wentz, twenty-five years old and with the most charming smile ryan's ever seen. "what a good-looking guitarist you've found yourselves," is the first thing that comes out of pete's mouth. "the chicks are gonna be swooning for sure."ryan blushes dark cherry red. “h-hi,” he stammers, “i’m ryan ross.” pete smiles softly at him, and ryan just melts. william rolls his eyes. “did you bring gabey?” ryan doesn’t know who gabey is, but william is purring even more than usual (although there’s a hint of something deeper in his eyes.) pete looks a bit annoyed, but rolls his eyes and smiles anyway. "gabe's on that boy's weekend, remember?" william stares at pete blankly, as if he thinks pete's joking. "you know, the one to canada?"william pouts exaggeratedly. he reminds ryan of a little kid who's been told there's no dessert. "gabe didn't tell me about any 'boy's weekend'." william's air quotes are the scariest ryan's ever seen. pete winces. “william…” there’s suddenly something vulnerable in william’s expression that ryan has never seen before. “oh, god, it’s because of me, isn’t it? am i getting fat?” pete jumps right in to stop william's train of thought. "no, of course not. he's just been really busy with the new album and everything, i'm sure he meant to tell you before-" "you don't have to keep making excuses for him, pete." william storms off, leaving ryan alone with pete. "so," pete begins, "wanna play something for me?"~to make a long story short, ryan and pete really hit it off that afternoon. pete swears up and down that ryan is one of the most talented guitarists he’s ever heard. ryan has pete join him on bass and the two of them are playing a little duet when william comes back for ryan with a poorly veiled expression of disgust. "god, pete, isn't ryan a little young for you? or are you still into teenagers?"pete cringes. “bill, c’mon…” ryan, in all his wide-eyed innocence, feels like he's eavesdropping on a very private conversation. he inches a little bit closer to pete’s side. william's kind of scary like this. "don't 'c'mon' me, peter," william continues, louder this time. "i'm sure jeanae hears enough of that from you."pete shoots william a look of disbelief. “what the hell, beckett?” ryan can't take one more minute of this. he sets down his guitar and basically runs out of the room. he'll find a bathroom or something, lock the door, breathe.it might be ten minutes or two hours before there’s a gentle knock on the door of the bathroom he’s locked himself in. “hey, ryan? i’m sorry.” it's pete, not william like ryan had expected. ryan doesn't say anything, because what even would he say? pete didn't do anything aside from exist, it was william's fault for starting a fight.“it’s okay, pete,” ryan says in a small voice, opening the door. he wants to just curl up into pete's arms and be held closely, but pete just stands there awkwardly, hands clasped in front of him. "william and i," pete starts, "we've known each other for a while. he's kind of like a brother to me, and that's why he…we're not always super nice to each other, but i don't want you ever to feel like it's your fault." ryan knows that pete has no way of knowing this, but he had spent his childhood being told his mom leaving his abusive dad was somehow his fault, so hearing this is extremely validating.he hugs pete tight. "i can drive you home, if you want," pete offers. "william hasn't left yet, but i don't want to leave you with him when he's in a mood." ryan blinks at him gratefully. “thank you.”the drive home with pete is… really nice. he somehow just feels safe in his presence, and he has good music in his car. ryan likes pete a lot.~~over the next couple of months, things really start to happen. the academy is… starts to take off. william helps ryan more with clothes and his general look, making him into a pretty emo boy early fan favorite.but as ryan starts accumulating fans, getting even closer with william, and developing a definite look, pete seems more and more concerned for some reason. ryan sees very little of him on their first international tour, since pete was only able to make it out to a few shows with all the work at the label keeping him busy. sometimes ryan will call pete, but more often than not, he'll get a voicemail response. when the tour is finally over and the band has a whole month's worth of rest, ryan makes it his goal to spend as much time as possible with pete.he’s finally able to arrange with pete over texts to come to his house. “what should i wear?” he asks william once the plans are made. "wear? wear whatever, it's just pete." but to ryan, pete isn't…just pete. he’s so much more than that, and ryan wants to impress him more than anything. “a-alright, but what would you wear if you wanted to impress, like, gabe?” william groans. "god, ryan, you don't know what you're getting into with pete. i would just leave it be if i were you.”this is not helpful to ryan, so he opts to just copy one of william’s usual impressing a guy outfits. he puts on a tiny pair of jeans and a super-tight cutoff t-shirt for decaydance records that he and william diy-ed while on tour in germany. it's nothing too fancy, but after months of stage clothes, ryan is more than happy to wear something comfortable.ryan knocks nervously on the door, and pete answers. ryan feels a bubbly wave of excitement upon seeing pete again. he's changed up his hairstyle since ryan last saw him, and it looks great; there are some red streaks in his black fringe. he feels pete’s eyes on him, and he feels even more excited. “like, ohmigod pete! it’s so nice to see you!” pete smiles at ryan, but it feels kind of forced, like he's experiencing a stomach cramp. "come on in," he says, and ryan feels cheered up when he sees pete’s eyes linger on his hips and stomach, but then disappointed and confused when he says softly, “you look like you could use a good lunch.” william's given him lots of lectures about what it means when someone says "go eat a sandwich" or something along those lines. "they're just jealous," william had explained. "they don't like how skinny we are." but it doesn't seem like that coming from pete. ryan finds himself smiling shyly and following pete to the kitchen, even though he knows what william would think. pete offers ryan a drink, and he agrees and asks for soda pop.“do you, like, have any diet coke?” he asks. “no,” pete says, “but i’ve got regular coke, if that’s okay?” ryan accepts it, but he can't ignore william's voice in the back of his mind telling him how sugar will ruin his waistline. still, he drinks a full glass of it. ryan really hadn’t realized how hungry he was, and when pete makes lunch, he eats two big servings. he hasn't been hungry like this in a long time, the touring life - living with william, jet lag, unfamiliar places - putting a strain on his appetite. he feels a little embarrassed when he’s done. he has band practice in two hours, and he doesn’t want to be all bloated for it. william would definitely notice his stomach.“it was, like, sooo nice to see you,” ryan purrs as he’s leaving. he would give pete a goodbye hug, but he feels really insecure about his stomach, and he wants more than anything to go home and put something loose on. he blows him a kiss instead.when ryan gets to practice (wearing a big sweatshirt he had before his makeover), william rolls his eyes. "gee, ryan, really getting comfy now that tour is over, are we?" he, of course, is wearing one of the tightest shirts ryan has ever seen. reluctantly, ryan takes the sweatshirt off to reveal the tight shirt from earlier underneath. william's eyes go right to ryan's stomach, and it's clear he's judging him.ryan pretends not to notice, and practice goes as usual. that night, pete texts ryan, asking if he's busy tomorrow. ryan says no eagerly. “i’m seeing pete again tmrw!”, he texts william. usually william's quick to respond, but he doesn't say anything back that night, or the next morning even.soon, though, ryan has his mind off of it. he’s over at pete’s for lunch again, and it’s just as lovely as the first time. pete once again seems to dislike his william-like mannerisms, encouraging him to be his sweet, quiet self. once again as well ryan eats a big lunch. something different though, is that this time, william finally texts him back while he’s there. "where are you?!" william has texted. "i thought we were hanging out today??" pete, who didn't really mean to read ryan's phone screen but did anyway, frowns. “oh, jeez, i’m sorry if i broke your schedule with william.” ryan shakes his head and texts william back, “just finishing lunch w pete :) will head to your place in a few! got my calendar all mixed up.”true to his word, ryan does head right to william’s place after he finishes with pete. “hey! i’m, like, so sorry i mixed my plans up,” he greets him. william just gives ryan a very stern look. "ever since we've gotten back, all you want to do is see pete all the time." william sounds wounded, his voice softer around the edges than it usually is. ryan frowns and immediately gives him a hug. "i'm sorry, i didn't mean to leave you out, i just haven't seen him in a while, and since we've been on tour all this time…"william looks satisfied with this, and he smiles. “it’s alright, ryan. i understand, and i know we’re friends. c’mon now, let’s—“ he cuts himself off, staring at ryan. ryan smiles softly at him. “ooh, you wanted to go to the mall, right?” he finishes william’s thought, not thinking much of the way he just trailed off and stared at him. "yeah, the mall," william agrees. he seems so out of it all of a sudden, like he's just realized something beyond the means of processing.they get to the mall, and ryan feels happy to be hanging out there with his friend, but william still seems a bit… off. “are you sure you’re, like, okay, bilvy?” ryan asks as they walk in. william's eyes are kind of glassy, and ryan's afraid he might…cry? william never cries. the thought scares ryan a little. “yeah,” william says, but he isn’t looking directly at ryan.“o-okay, um. where in the mall do you want to go first?” ryan asks excitedly. william still looks almost tearful as he says softly, “i had thought we could look at clothes first, but now…” ryan is puzzled. “but now what, bilvy?” he asks gently, “we’re here at the mall, and i’d love to look at clothes.” he takes william's hand, and the two of them do a few laps around the big second floor loop of the mall until william points out a store he'd like to go to. when they walk in, ryan immediately finds himself drawn to a fitted black t-shirt with a red broken heart splashed across the chest. it looks just like something pete would wear. “ooh, look at that shirt,” ryan calls out to william, pointing up to where it's displayed. william looks over at ryan, then the shirt, and back to ryan.his expression sours. “it looks like a shirt pete would wear,” he starts flatly, “but i guess that’s what you’re going for lately, huh?” william looks deeply wounded, and he pauses before continuing, like he knows that what he says next is going to sting, like he regrets it already. “you’re really just pete’s little slut now, aren’t you?”, he finally hisses, “or not so little anymore.” he glances towards ryan’s stomach. “he’s been feeding you, hasn’t he? you’re really starting to get a beer gut.” ryan is absolutely appalled by william's words. pete's little slut? beer gut?? he gapes at him, tears forming in his eyes. an expression just as horrified as ryan’s flashes over william’s face for a second.ryan bursts into tears, as quietly as he can so that he doesn’t attract the attention of everyone in the store. “w-wh-why are you being so mean to me?!”, he whimpers. “w-we’re bandmates, and i thought we were friends, too. i guess i was wrong about that.” ryan runs out of the store before william can say anything else, and he finds himself back at pete’s place.pete opens the door confused, as he isn’t expecting anyone. “who is i—“ ryan sees him and just starts wailing. pete beckons ryan into his arms and hugs him firmly. "oh, ryan, what's the matter?" ryan just shakes his head. “d-don’t wanna talk about it,” he says, “i just need you to hold me, if that’s okay.” pete doesn't pry any further, instead getting some blankets and pillows from his linen closet and making a nest for him and ryan on the basement couch. "do you wanna watch a movie?" pete asks, and ryan smiles a bit shakily and nods. they watch a movie together and cuddle, and ryan gradually stops crying. as the movie ends, ryan falls asleep, and pete doesn’t want to wake him, so he quietly gets up.it’s just then that pete’s phone rings, and he goes upstairs and answers it. “hello?” the voice on the other end is a bit hesitant and breathy. "pete?" "this is pete." "hey, it's william, have you seen ryan lately?" pete feels confused. “yeah, he’s asleep on my couch right now,” he says, smiling a little, “he came over here a few hours ago." then pete remembers the state ryan was in when he arrived. "why do you ask?" william chuckles nervously from the other end of the line. "well, he and i kind of had a little argument,” he says. pete isn't buying it. william has never had a "little" argument with anyone before, and he knows ryan would never be able to fend for himself against william.“what did you say to him?” pete asks defensively. william’s voice trembles. “i just…don't get this out of proportion, pete. i got mad at him and… i called him…chubby?" pete knows that's not the full story. “william, what exactly did you say?” he presses, knowing that william never says things in halves. “…i called him your little slut, and i said you were feeding him too much and he was getting a beer gut,” he admits, sounding pained. "but i didn't really mean it, i just-" pete loses his cool completely upon hearing the truth of the matter. “william! why would you saysomething like that?!" william stammers out a variety of weak justifications, none of which pete finds satisfactory. “it’s true!” william blurts out, and that’s his worst mistake yet. pete sees red. "just because you're insecure about your weight, it doesn't mean you can project onto ryan!"pete hangs up abruptly. on the other end, william sits there in silence.~~ryan wakes up to the smell of pancakes and a gym class heroes song playing. after a moment of confusion, he realizes he's at pete's place. “hey, ryan,” pete says, “do you want pancakes?” ryan heads upstairs towards the sound of pete's voice. “good morning, ry,” pete smiles. ryan smiles warmly back at him, and then he remembers. william's words echo in his head. beer gut. beer gut. beer gut. ryan doesn't feel very hungry anymore, and suddenly he’s crying again.pete runs to his side. "ryan, it's alright, i'm here." ryan sobs into pete's shoulder, and pete strokes circles on his back. “i know about what william said to you,” pete tells him, “he has an eating disorder, and he doesn’t know how to deal with his emotions in a healthy way. it really has nothing to do with you.” ryan nods, but he still feels bad. he wants william to like him. he really, really does. still, it’s enough to get him to eat the pancakes. ryan doesn't even know what he's going to say the next time he sees william. ryan stays at pete’s for the few days before the next band practice. during that time, he doesn’t talk to william, and he lets pete spoil him as much as he wants, which means a lot of cuddling and big homemade meals. by the time the rehearsal rolls around, ryan is feeling a lot better about everything. pete drops him off there. ryan is wearing some of pete's old clothes from his high school days when he was kind of scrawny. the sleeves are too short, but ryan doesn't mind.ryan shows up at practice, and william knows that he has to be careful what he says. even though william is secretly noticing that ryan has put on even more weight, he bites his tongue. he's lucky pete hasn't shown up and tried to beat the crap out of him yet, but the reason for that could be that he's been too busy taking care of ryan. “hi, ryan,” william says shyly, hoping he sounds more sincere than he feels. ryan's such a fucking traitor. ryan looks pleasantly surprised. “h-hey, bilvy,” he says back. everyone gets set up, just like usual.practice goes well, but ryan can't shake the feeling that things aren’t settled between him and william. when practice ends, ryan approaches william. "hey, i'm sorry if i-" "you're fine," william cuts him off, like he's trying to avoid this exact conversation. “we’re still friends, right?” william hesitates for just long enough that ryan starts to look nervous, and then he says “of course we are!" ryan pretends he believes william, but he knows he can’t be entirely genuine.as an effort to reunite everyone, pete decides to host a decaydance holiday party.
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
william is getting ready for the holiday party, and he’s excited, his recent troubles with ryan forgotten for the moment. gabe is going to be at this party, so he has to make himself look perfect. he puts on a tiny, skin-tight dark red long-sleeved crop top and equally tight ripped black skinny jeans, then peppermint cologne, eyeliner, and teases his hair. he coats his lips with sparkly gloss, then looks, satisfied, at himself in the mirror. nobody's getting in his way tonight.pete rented out a pretty nice venue for the party, unlike last year, when everybody drank warm champagne in patrick's basement and tried to ignore the wet carpet smell. pete's all set up at a turntable with headphones on, always taking advantage of situations when a dj may be required.
william walks in and spots pete at the turntable, ryan standing near him and looking shy and lovestruck, and… there he is! gabe saporta, as effortlessly gorgeous and charming as ever. he’s smiling, that big grin of his, and holding a drink in one hand. william takes a deep breath. he has to make this count.william slinks across the room, constantly aware of the way his hips move as he walks. he bats his eyelashes as gabe looks his way, then finally approaches him. "fancy seeing you here," william teases. gabe gives him this deer in the headlights look, and william watches as gabe’s eyes trace his body. catching himself, gabe says hi, that he's missed william. "i've wondered what you've been up to all this time," gabe tries to say lightly. william giggles like he’s just said something hilarious. after a few cocktails from pete's favorite "mixed-drink specialist" william's basically incomprehensible. gabe knows he’s trying to flirt with him, but william has always just seemed so fake and hollow that he’s not interested. but then, william, who is drunk as hell by this point, accidentally lets himself use his real voice.he doesn’t say much in it, just “gabe,” but gabe hears it and is immediately hooked. william’s real voice is low and sweet and holds the promise of someone real behind the perfect frontman persona. gabe hears it and his eyes light up. “is that your real voice?” william pretends he doesn't know what gabe is talking about. maybe, at this moment, he actually doesn't. he puts the fake voice back on. “like, what’re you talking about, honey?” gabe feels frustrated. he just knows there’s a william beckett that's real right in front of him, he just can't get through to him.“you can’t drive home like this,” gabe says, frowning, “do you want to give me your address so i can drop you off at your place?” william sticks out his tongue and says "can i go home with you?" gabe nods. “of course,” he says, then adds, “not in a sexual way, i mean.” there was no way anything was going to happen with william in his currently inebriated state. and honestly, sex was the last thing on gabe's mind. william has a pretty face, but he just looks sick to gabe. he definitely could be stunning, gabe thinks to himself, if he wasn't so painfully thin. william giggles coquettishly and lets gabe lead him by the (cold, skeletal) hand to his car. he falls asleep while gabe fiddles with the radio controls of the car.asleep in the passenger seat, william starts sleeptalking. to gabe’s delight, it’s in his real voice. “no…” william is muttering, “don’t… i’m sorry…i didn't mean it! it’s my fault… don’t end up like me…” gabe has no idea what he’s talking about, but he sounds upset. william looks so small and vulnerable leaning up against the icy passenger-side window. when they finally arrive at gabe's place, gabe goes around to william's door just as he’s muttering one more thing: “i don’t wanna be alone, ryan…"gabe unbuckles william and carries him out of the car and up the walkway to his apartment building. he gets william set up in his guest room, with a little trash can next to the bed in case he feels pukey when he wakes up. gabe has the lingering feeling that he could fall in love with the real william, if he ever gets to know him. but it seems unlikely that that’ll ever happen. as he flips the nightlight on and closes william's door, gabe sighs. he doesn’t want william to be alone, either, but he doesn’t know how to get through to him. he's never met someone like him before.william wakes up the next morning to light shining in through the blinds, which gabe forgot to close the night before. he doesn't hear any sound that gabe is awake, so he gets up, wanting to sneak out before gabe tries to give him breakfast. he doesn’t want to end up like ryan, so lovestruck that he lets a guy convince him to gain weight. he shudders at the thought, remembering the way ryan had looked at the party last night. william tiptoes from the room… and runs right into gabe in the kitchen. he jumps into his persona immediately. “gabey, honey!” he coos loudly, “good morning! you’re, like, such an angel for taking care of me last night! i should really be going now.” he blows gabe a kiss and turns to leave, but gabe calls, “morning! i was going to make you breakfast, if you’d have time for that. and how are you feeling?”william is almost tempted, but he forces himself to say, “you’re, like, an absolute doll, gabey! i’m all better now, though. and i ate sooo much at the party last night that i’m still full!” this is a lie. william hasn't eaten in two days, the alcohol being his only recent caloric intake. gabe frowns. “oh, okay,” he says, sounding a little disappointed. he laughs lightly and adds, “i guess i can eat these chocolate chip waffles all by myself, then!” william’s face drops. chocolate chip waffles were his absolute favorite growing up, and he hasn’t eaten them since he moved out at 17. that’s when he stopped eating a lot of things. it was only four years ago, but it feels like a lifetime has passed since then. he remembers the last time he talked to his mom, a few months ago, the way she had cried when she saw him. it was a show in chicago, one of the last of the tour. by this point william was at his lowest weight, and mrs. beckett had scarcely been able to recognize the frontman onstage. it was at the meet-and-greet that she had really seen her son up close, had really seen how different he was from the little boy who she had raised, who had loved her so much. he was all prettied up with stage makeup and had his hair done, but even the best stylist couldn't hide william's dull eyes or thinning chestnut brown locks. “my baby,” she had gasped, hugging him tight, and he had answered in a voice that wasn’t his at all, “hi, mama! what’s wrong?” mrs. beckett didn't know how her son could have changed so drastically, not only physically, but in personality as well. she had just burst into tears.now, william is sobbing in gabe’s kitchen. he hadn’t even realized he was crying, but it had just happened as soon as he had smelled the chocolate chip waffles. he wants waffles, and he wants his mama, and he wants gabe, and he wants to be the boy he was supposed to be, the one he was going to grow into before all of this. just for a split second, he can picture himself as he was meant to be: a shy, fat young man, genuine and sweet with a lot of friends, a normal job, a boyfriend (gabe, even), a very close relationship with his mom, an ugly laugh and an open-mouthed smile. he whimpers, then falls over, hitting his head on gabe’s kitchen counter and passing out.he wakes up in the back of an ambulance, gabe and a few paramedics towering over him. “wh-what happened?” he asks weakly. he looks up at gabe, whose eyes are red with tears, and then down at himself, grotesquely thin and covered in bruises, presumably from the fall. he catches his reflection in the ambulance’s window and sees a tiny boy with a sunken-in face and premature bald spots in his dull, thinning hair. being so unhealthily thin has quickly aged him beyond his years, his skin looking saggy and washed out. at first, he thinks he must be imagining things, but he blinks, looks again, and it’s still there. william shrieks, then bursts into tears again. he had wanted so badly to be pretty, and now he’s hideous. “oh my god, i’m so ugly!” william wails, “wasn’t anybody going to tell me that i look like this now?!" gabe strokes william's forehead and tells him that it's going to be okay. "we're going to help you feel better," he says, in a voice so tender william can't help but calm down a little bit. so gabe does care about him. feeling reassured, william lets himself relax, and ends up falling asleep for the rest of the way to the hospital.once in the waiting room, gabe calls pete. it's more because he doesn't know what else to do than because he feels pete should genuinely know. "fuck," pete responds to the news. "i was worried something like this might happen. ryan’s gonna be upset.” gabe can hear ryan in the background, softly asking what’s wrong, and then gasping when pete tells him. "gabe, i have to go, but…keep me updated, okay?" gabe promises he’ll let him know. he feels a wave of jealousy; the boy pete loves is safe and pampered, while he's in a hospital waiting room, hoping william's condition is salvageable.william ends up telling the doctors that gabe is his boyfriend, and that they live together. so gabe is the one put in charge of taking care of william, once he's at a healthy enough weight to be let out of the hospital. william is like a shell of his former self. he barely talks once he’s let out, just sort of sits on gabe’s couch and looks sad.he does eat when gabe brings him food, so that’s a relief. he avoids looking at himself in mirrors, he refuses to leave the house, and he doesn’t say a word. gabe doesn’t know what to do. the academy is… band practice is canceled, obviously, but ryan still calls on the day it would normally be. “hi, gabe,” he says, “i-i wanted to know how william is doing. can pete and i come and visit him?”gabe is doubtful that william is in the right shape to see visitors, but just as he’s opening his mouth to say no, william taps his shoulder and nods his head yes. “william says he’d like that.”the next day, gabe answers a knock on the door. he has to try hard not to be visibly startled by ryan’s completely changed appearance; the younger boy has clearly gained a lot of weight in a short time. he’s somehow managed to squeeze into a pair of skinny jeans (ones that gabe remembers him wearing before) that are much too small for him now. they look like they’re about to burst down the sides, and the shirt he’s wearing also looks multiple sizes too small. gabe must look surprised, because ryan suddenly looks deeply embarrassed. “i-i know i’ve put on like five pounds from all of pete’s home cooking,” he says sheepishly, “but i’m gonna work out and lose it.” gabe really hopes the topic of weight loss doesn't make its way over to william, who is still in a pretty precarious situation. ryan and pete walk in, and william gets up from his spot on the couch to greet them. he’s not on the verge of death anymore, but he’s still not quite thriving yet. thankfully, with gabe's help he's gotten a lot closer to a healthy weight, and his attitude towards food is a lot better.still, ryan looks at william’s stick thin legs when he stands up and feels a lump in his throat. it’s just five pounds, he tells himself. i can totally lose it whenever i want. “hey, william!” ryan says, smiling, and pete greets him as well. "i've missed you guys," william says shyly. "i can't wait to get back to the band." ryan nods, brushing hair from his face. “i’ve been missing playing music with you, bilvy. and, um. i’m sorry, for what happened before. w-we can still be friends, right?”immediately, william looks sad. “oh, ryan… honey, please don’t apologize for me being mean to you! i was horrible. you look stunning, by the way.” and he really does, william thinks, except for the fact that his clothes are so too-small that they look like they’re about to rip open. but he’s not going to say that part out loud, of course. ryan gives him a shy smile. “thank you, bilvy.” the two hug gently, ryan afraid he's going to snap william in half, and william worried he'll upset ryan's outfit.once they're all sat down together, pete does the one thing gabe was hoping he wouldn't: he starts talking business. he avoids directly addressing william or mentioning his band specifically, but it's clear what information he's trying to get at. "so gabe, do you know when you'll be getting back to cobra?" yes, gabe is devoting all of his time to william's recovery, and yes, that means he is taking some time off from his band as well. so what? “i don’t think any time soon,” gabe says honestly, and pete looks disappointed. “i’m focusing on william right now,” gabe adds, and william blushes and squeezes his boyfriend’s hand. "is there anything i can do to help speed things along?" pete asks, as if him spending a certain amount of money will get things back on track. "the academy is kind of at a critical point-" "pete, just let him be,” ryan interjects gently, “i know you would do the same thing for me.” pete lays off after that. ryan tells william about what's been going on in his life, how one of his old friends from back home came for a visit and how everyone is doing well.“and pete and i are officially a couple,” ryan gushes, “he’s just the sweetest boyfriend.” "when he's not, y'know, hanging off my arm," pete jokes. ryan looks really hurt, but pete doesn't notice. william winces, feeling bad for ryan. “h-he’s so handsome and sweet,” ryan continues, only sounding a little crestfallen. pete looks around the room, clearly antsy after having not received a super-defined answer about william's return. “well, he’s lucky to have you,” william says, sending pete a sharp glance. he can’t stand the thought of pete’s carelessness breaking ryan’s heart.william rolls his eyes. “pete, i think i’ll be up to touring in a month or two,” he says, deadpan. pete, relieved, finally directs his attention to ryan, kissing him on the forehead and saying, “there we go, honey, and we can get you out of the house finally, huh?” he means the comment to be lighthearted and teasing in an affectionate way, but ryan can only think of his dad, who had always talked about how he couldn’t wait for ryan to be old enough to get out of the house and stop being such a burden to him. maybe if i had lost these five pounds already, he would want me around, ryan thinks despite himself. he sniffles.on the ride home, ryan looks out the window with his arms crossed. he's already thinking about how he'll go to bed as soon as he gets home in order to avoid eating dinner. he does feel pretty nauseous anyway. he's torn between wanting to avoid any attention from pete, and attracting it. if he said he felt unwell, pete would definitely baby him, but ryan doesn't want it to be so easy for pete. he wants him to feel what it's like to never know if he's done the right thing.pete feels horrible. “hey, ry,” he says softly, “you know i didn’t mean it like that, right?” he feels tears come to his eyes. “ryan, you know how i feel about you. god, you’re so perfect, and i’m just an idiot.” ryan feels himself softening again, like he always does around pete. he just can't help it. pete's the first person who's ever treated him like he really wants him around. ryan ends up tearfully telling pete about his childhood, and pete is understanding and sweet, of course. ryan also tells pete he feels a little bit nauseous, and pete pulls a package of saltine crackers out of his backpack. ryan loves him so much.~~a month and a half later, ryan is getting ready to leave for his first show on this new tour. he walks out of his room to show pete his stage outfit, which consists of the flowered vest, purple crop top, and lacy black pants william had helped him pick out months ago. it’s a really cute outfit, but there is one glaringly big problem with it.“what do you think, petey?” ryan asks happily, twirling for him. and honestly? pete thinks those clothes are in serious danger of ripping. ryan’s stomach is spilling out uncomfortably from under the shirt, which is skin-tight on his chest, the one button ryan has closed on his vest looks ready to pop off, and the seams along the back of the jeans look especially close to bursting, as the majority of the weight ryan has put on has gone to his hips, thighs, and especially his butt, a fact that pete hadn’t totally realized or thought about before now. now, though, pete is feeling violently torn between feeling bad for how painful and uncomfortable this outfit must be for ryan, awkward when it comes to what he should say or do next, and turned on at the sudden realization that his boyfriend now has a huge ass. he wonders if his hands would even fit into the back pockets if he- "pe-ete," ryan repeats, snapping pete out of his trance.pete is a little embarrassed. “oh! i’m sorry, ry, i was distracted by how gorgeous you look." it's not fully a lie. and pete sure is distracted. holy shit. ryan smiles. “thank you,” he says, blushing. pete manages to keep himself under control while he sees ryan off.ryan meets up with the others in his band at the bus stop. “hi, guys!” he’s excited to see his bandmates after a few months apart. there's something so comfortable about being with everyone and playing shows together that he's really missed. this first show is at a smaller, more intimate venue, the kind ryan loves more than anything. he’s really excited for it, especially since william seems to be doing really well (he’s on the thinner side of a normal weight, but he’s within the normal range, and he’s almost glowing with health.)ryan supposes these pants are just a little too tight for him. he’s always been very tiny, especially in the hips, butt, thighs, and legs areas, so his pants are really small, and living with pete may have added some slight softness to his figure. nothing major, which is why these jeans totally still fit him.the show starts off great, just like ryan knew it would be. they get into the third song, which is “slow down.” ryan is really having fun with playing his guitar part, and he turns around and bends over to get some feedback from one of the amplifiers. and that’s when his jeans tear wide open, right down the middle of the back, with a loud ripping sound, exposing pretty much his entire underwear, as well as showcasing his new bubble butt and the tightness of his pants. ryan doesn’t realize what’s happening until he hears a few members of the crowd shouting things.“get new pants, fatass!” some guy yells. ryan blinks. it slowly dawns on him that his pants have somehow gotten ripped, which is kind of embarrassing, but… fatass? ryan isn’t… “oh my god, he got huge!” a girl yells to her friends. ryan looks down at himself in confusion, and he can’t believe what he sees. his thighs really are gigantic, squeezed into the barely-hanging-on-for-their-life pair of pants. ryan ducks backstage into a throng of stagehands, trying not to cry. he ends up sitting on the floor and sniffling pathetically, his mind going a mile a minute.how could this have happened? he's always been so…small, so scrawny. it was always "have another serving, ryan" at friend's houses and with pete, everyone wanting to beef him up. he'd never actually thought anything would come of it with a metabolism like his. he can barely recognize his legs as his own, and when he stands up and staggers over to a mirror, he sees that the same is true for the rest of him. when did this happen? it must have been gradual, right? no way this could have happened overnight.why hadn’t pete said anything? why hadn’t ryan noticed himself? he’s still standing there staring at himself in the mirror, turning at an awkward angle so he can see the butt people were exclaiming over, when mike walks in. “hey, ryan,” mike says, calm and soothing and casual. could the set be over already? ryan's sure one of the techs stepped in to take over when he made a run for it.ryan sniffs. “m-mike. you didn’t have to stop the show for me. i’m out of the band, right? god, my life is falling apart. pete is gonna leave me as soon as i get home, and god, if my dad ever sees me again he’s gonna know he was right about me being a failure and he’s gonna l-laugh at me, and—“ a confused-looking mike interrupts him, “wait, did you not realize your body had changed?” he wants to ask ‘how?’ but he doesn’t want to be insensitive. ryan nods helplessly, and mike sighs fondly. “alright, we need to get you some new clothes. ones that fit.” ryan really can't disagree.mike ends up getting permission to borrow a sweatshirt and sweatpants from the security guard, who’s the biggest and tallest guy ryan thinks he’s ever seen, so it’s a little embarrassing when the clothes are a good fit. ryan is still having a hard time believing that this is even real, which is why he bursts into tears again when he and mike pull into the parking lot of a store that says “plus size” in big letters on the front. “oh, god,” ryan whimpers into his hands, “my thighs are the size of tree trunks, and i can’t even wear the sizes from regular clothing stores!” mike puts a hand on ryan's shoulder. "ryan, i'm a pretty hefty guy myself. when i was little i had to shop in the 'husky boys' section. it's nothing to be ashamed of, i promise."it really isn't all bad, shopping with mike. when ryan's in the dressing room, he waits in the sitting area with magazines, and gives ryan honest feedback on the outfits he walks out in. “what do you think of this one?” ryan is wearing a cute black button down shirt with little red roses on it and lacy white pants. mike smiles and nods. “ryan, that one’s perfect!”as he’s finishing up in the dressing room, ryan pulls out his flip phone and goes to snap a picture of himself; he and pete have this thing where, if either of them has to be away, he’ll take a picture of himself every night and send it to his boyfriend with a cute little message. but, even though his clothes are much better now, ryan can’t seem to take a picture where his drastic change in appearance isn’t glaringly obvious. even when he makes sure the picture is just of his face, the camera picks up his much-rounder face, chubby cheeks, and, to ryan’s horror, a brand new double chin. ryan goes through his photos instead and finds one from the last time he was on tour, one where he’s very skinny and looking shyly at the camera. hoping pete won’t remember that picture from before, ryan texts it to his boyfriend sending a message that says “i love you petey <3 took this picture of myself just now. wish u were here!” ryan doesn’t like lying to his boyfriend, but he doesn’t really know what else to do.back home, pete eagerly opens his boyfriend’s nightly picture and frowns. sure it's a picture of ryan, but it's definitely not from tonight. pete knows this for sure because the jacket ryan's wearing in the photo has been left at his house for a few weeks, but that's not even the most telltale sign. the picture shows most of ryan’s body, and pete knows for sure that ryan’s hips and thighs don’t look like that anymore. why would ryan be sending pete an old picture? pete’s mind reels. is he sick or hurt, and he doesn’t want his boyfriend to see the evidence and worry? starting to panic, pete calls ryan. voicemail. three times. it is kind of late, so maybe ryan could be asleep? pete knows ryan sleeps with his phone under his stomach on vibrate, so it's unlikely he'd miss a call unless he put his phone on do not disturb.pete doesn’t sleep that night. ryan wakes up the next day to three missed calls and two unread texts from pete. the texts read, “you okay bb?" and "call back plz." ryan does call him back. “good morning, petey,” he says, a little confused, “is everything okay?” pete finally breathes a sigh of relief. “baby! oh, thank god. i was so worried about you! are you okay?” ryan is touched at his boyfriend’s concern for him, but mainly he feels very confused. “of course! why wouldn’t i be okay, petey?” pete hesitates for a moment. for all he'd been worrying about ryan, he hadn't planned what to say once he was able to reach him. now, he's basically trapped himself. "the picture you sent," pete starts, "it was an old one, and that made me worry that you weren’t okay.”now it’s ryan’s turn to panic. “o-oh, did i send an old picture by mistake?” he didn't mean to freak pete out, and that makes this whole thing way worse. "it won't happen again," ryan promises, like a little kid who's pleading with a parent. "you're not in trouble," pete assures ryan, who he knows is apologetic because of how he was raised. "i'm just glad to hear you're doing okay. how was the show?" ryan sighs. “it was awful,” he admits, “i had a… wardrobe malfunction, and people in the audience heckled me.”pete gasps. “oh no, baby, what happened?” ryan gulps. “it was, um. m-my pants shrank in the wash, so they were just a tiny bit too small for me, and they got a little rip in them. it was okay, mike and i went shopping afterwards for a replacement pair." ryan is massively understating the damage that was done to his stage pants, as well as the extent of the shopping trip, during which he ended up buying a few more outfits in his new size after the first one fit so well. pete seems to buy it, though, and ryan feels reassured.that night, ryan knows he can’t use an old picture again, so he does everything he can. he sucks in his stomach until he feels like he’s going to pass out, he uses makeup to hide his double chin, he takes the picture from the most flattering angle that he can find, and he uses a photo editing program to touch it up afterwards. admiring his work afterwards, he feels pretty proud for doing such a good job. he had wanted this picture to be good for pete, and it is. he sends it with a little heart as the caption. he waits a little while to see if pete responds, but he doesn't - at least not within the first hour of it being sent.then, finally, he does write back. “ryan, you really don't have to send me pictures of yourself if you don't want to. you can just text me :)" ryan is confused. “i did send you a picture though???” pete, sitting on the edge of his bed a few hundred miles away, sighs. ryan really can be so impossible sometimes. ryan texts again “what’s wrong?? :((“ pete wants to call ryan, he knows it's the right thing to do. but he just can't bring himself to hearing ryan's delicate little voice over the phone speaker. so he writes back instead. “ryan, i think we should break up.”and ryan loses it, crying and slamming his head into the hotel bed. he knew this was going to happen.meanwhile, william is two rooms over, on his half of the hotel bed he's sharing with sisky. the tv is turned to animal planet, and william watches with rapt attention as a family of grizzly bears goes about their day. there are two baby cubs following the mother, and they are just so cute, william feels himself tearing up a little bit. thank god sisky is asleep, because william would never hear the end of it if sisky saw him getting all emotional over animal planet. he can’t stop crying about the babies; he wants to protect them. it's not fair that they're so unprotected, wandering off at times and making william nearly break into a sweat. what if one of them gets lost? when the show cuts to a commercial, william realizes his fists are balled up in the sheets, as if he's been hanging on for dear life. he does this with the armrests on a plane sometimes, when turbulence is scaring the shit out of him, but in a hotel room? while he's watching animal planet? sober? it's embarrassing, and a little concerning. william has appearances to keep up, and even though things have been stressful lately, he can't just lose it. someone knocks on the door of his room (even though he put up the "do not disturb" sign), and he reluctantly gets up to check the peephole. outside the door is a sight even more pathetic than him: it's ryan ross, hands clasped together in front of him while sloppy tears flow down his angelic little baby face. no way william needs to be dealing with this right now.sisky wakes up to the sound of someone crying. he's not sure what time it is, but it's still way dark outside, so he turns on his side, puts a pillow over his head, and tries to go back to sleep. it turns out to be an impossible task, with the blubbering only increasing in volume as sisky tries to wish the noise away. very displeased, he hops out of bed and flips one of the lamps on, determined to make the noise stop. that’s when he sees the small bar of light seeping out from the bathroom door. getting up, sisky sees william comforting a very clearly distressed ryan, who seems to be showing him a text conversation on his sidekick. sisky can't believe there's already this much drama on the second fucking night of their tour. william's just a drama magnet, and that ross boy isn't much better, as sisky has witnessed. pete wentz has gotten way more involved with the band since ryan joined, and with pete comes drama.“w-why would he have just dumped me?” ryan asks william in a small voice after he’s read all the texts. "does he hate me, do you think?" sisky can't believe this kid. “pete wentz is an asshole, kid,” he can’t help but call out, “you could do way better.”. ryan sniffles, barely acknowledging what sisky said. “wh-what do you think, william?” "i think a break from pete is a good thing," william admits. "we're all here for you, and i'm sure this will sort itself out in time. pete means well, but our priority is making sure you're okay. i don't care what he thinks or what ideas he's putting into your head."william is starting to feel the same protectiveness towards ryan that he did towards those baby bear cubs. in fact, william has been getting that feeling a lot lately. ryan nods slowly, sniffling. for now, he’ll be okay.william calls gabe first thing in the morning. “i miss you,” he says instead of hello. for some reason, today he just wants to cuddle gabe, but gabe isn’t here. william will have to make himself look perfect and then go onstage and then do interviews, all with that fake combination of flirty and bitchy. it's all so tiring. "i miss you too," gabe responds, a little surprised by how sweet william sounds. it's totally unlike him to have over-the-phone confessional moments. “i wish you were here,” william continues softly, sounding more like ryan ross than like his usual self, “i-i want you to hold me.” gabe's heart melts on the other end of the line. he wishes he could be there to take care of william again. it was so nice having william stay with him, and he too misses the younger boy's company.“bilvy…” maybe he could make the trip out. okay, it's more like a flight to get where william is right now, but… “okay, i’m coming,” he says,, "just give me a few hours."gabe kind of hates the airport. it's not like he isn't used to them (after all these years), it's just that something always seems to go wrong when he's in one. this time, someone spills a drink all over him, so he has to get on his flight cold and with soaked pants. it’s worth it, though, when he finally arrives and william jumps into his arms. there’s something a lot softer about william, somehow. and not just physically, the boniness of william's knees and hips being absent since his recovery. it's like, all his attitude is gone.“gabey!” he sounds so innocently overjoyed to see his boyfriend. gabe almost can’t believe that this is the same william who had always hidden his true self behind carefully crafted sex appeal and catty comments. gabe is pleasantly surprised to feel a real, sticking-out-slightly stomach beneath william’s shirt. it’s a good thing, of course, but it seems fast, and like his stomach has gained more weight than the rest of his body. william throws his arms around gabe's neck and gives him a gentle kiss on the lips before burrowing his face in gabe's shoulder. “oh, gabey…” william starts to cry a little. "it's alright baby, i'm here now," gabe says reassuringly. the two of them stay like that, holding each other tightly in the middle of the airport for probably half an hour. eventually, william wipes his eyes and goes with gabe back to the hotel room.“we have a show in a little while,” william says, but he doesn’t sound happy about it the way he usually would. "i can come with, if you like," gabe offers. william’s face lights up. “what do you think i should wear for the show?” he unzips his suitcase so gabe can look through it, frowning as he adds, “somehow none of these clothes feel right.” gabe would lend william an outfit of his own, but his suitcase only has a change of pajamas as far as clothing goes. gabe likes to pack light.gabe gets out lots of the cute stage clothes william usually loves, but william doesn’t seem interested in any of his own sexy little outfits. he finally picks out a pair of plain bell-bottomed curduroys and a zip-up jacket with a fur-lined hood. this has to be the plainest thing he owns, gabe thinks to himself. he doesn’t say it, though, because this new william seems a lot more fragile. he just walks out with william to join the other band members. ryan, gabe notices immediately, looks really worn out, like he hasn't slept in a week.“is ryan okay?”, gabe asks his boyfriend quietly, and william gives ryan a look of sympathy. “pete dumped him over text, because he gained weight.” gabe winces, looking at ryan again and suddenly noticing the way he’s wearing baggy clothing and standing sort of hunched over, like he’s trying to make himself as small as he can. "that's pretty low, is that really what happened? that doesn't seem like something pete would do, especially not seeing how close they were…" william shakes his head. “i know, that’s what i thought, too, but he showed me the actual texts.” gabe feels awful for sweet ryan.the show goes well, although gabe notices that william doesn’t jump around on stage as much as usual. or at all, really. he sort of just stands there awkwardly as he sings. everything still sounds good, but between ryan sulking at the back of the stage and william being unusually stationary, the energy is kind of lacking. still, gabe is waiting at the end of the show to press a kiss to william’s lips and say “that was so, so good, baby! i’m lucky i got to see it.” afterwards, the rest of the guys go out for dinner with one of the opening bands while william and ryan hang back with gabe. gabe gets the feeling that ryan is kind of relying on william for emotional support, and william (who’s always been nice, but had hidden that for so long) seems uncharacteristically eager to give it, like he’s ryan’s dad or something.something almost clicks in gabe’s brain, but he loses the thought before he can figure out what it was. ryan and william were pretty close before, so maybe they just hit it off after all this time with the band being on break. gabe has found that after a break he gets along better with his bandmates.“i just m-miss him,” gabe overhears ryan sniffling quietly to william, and he watches as william gently puts his arms around his bandmate. “he doesn’t deserve you,” he says. "i'm here for you, okay? and gabe, and the rest of the guys. i promise, we'd never do anything like that to you." ryan manages a watery smile. “th-thank you. both of you.”“it’s really nice of you,” gabe tells william once they’re back in their hotel room together, “to do what you’re doing for ryan.” william just shrugs. "he's my bandmate, and my friend. it's nothing, really."gabe doesn’t want to leave william’s side. he wishes he could stay this whole tour with him. he cuddles with him that night in bed, feeling such a strong, almost spiritual connection to the younger man. william entwines his fingers with gabe's and sighs contentedly. “i love you,” he says sleepily. “i love you too.”~~william doesn’t just cry when he sees gabe off at the airport the next day, he sobs. he understands that gabe has his own band and everything. he isn’t sure why he feels so strongly about his leaving, when he knows he’ll see his boyfriend soon. there are only a few more weeks of his own band's tour, but just thinking about all the shows he'll have to go through without gabe in the crowd hurts. at least he has ryan. he and ryan are closer than ever these days.in the final weeks of the tour, william finds more and more that he’s truly falling apart. he doesn't know what the cause is, but his body is just fighting against him. he's constantly exhausted, he’s dealing his hair being oily and his skin breaking out for the first time since he was in high school, and he misses gabe so much that sometimes he can't even handle it.“tell me honestly,” he says to ryan, “do i look okay?” they’re about to play their last show of the tour, and of course william’s hair and skin are the worst they’ve ever been. he’s got these huge red blotches and a bunch of tangles in his hair that he can't brush out because his scalp is so tender. “you look stunning,” ryan tells him, not being entirely truthful. he does always think william looks gorgeous, though, even on a badwith hair day. and the audience won't find fault with his looks, ever.william smiles. “thanks, ry. and after this show, i get to go home to gabe!” sadness flashes over ryan’s face as he thinks about how he doesn’t get to go home to pete, not now or ever again. william notices and hugs him tight. "hey, i won't forget about you. we can still hang out every day."ryan smiles. “you’re a great friend, bilvy.” william kisses ryan on the forehead before heading off to his dressing room. he realizes that he hasn't seen mike all day, and decides to check in and say hi before they go on. “mike?”but mike isn’t there. in fact, no one can find him anywhere. william starts to worry. what if something bad happened, and mike's dead in a ditch somewhere? or what if he’s totally fine, but the show won’t be able to go on as scheduled, and they’ll have to reschedule it, and william won’t be able to get home to gabe on time? he must look as stressed as he feels, because the band's tour manager, tony, comes up and sets a hand on his shoulder. "hey, you alright bill?"william is stressed, and he has this weird cramping feeling in his stomach that he’s never felt before. he figures it must just be a side effect of his anxiety about mike and shrugs it off. "yeah, just a little antsy. have you seen mike?" tony thinks for a second, then shakes his head no. "i'll go check the bus," he says, heading towards the building's exit.william gets on the bus and instantly dives back towards the bunks. he feels kind of invasive ripping everyone else's bunk curtain open when he finds mike's bunk empty, but nobody should be on the bus anyway.that mysterious cramping pain in william’s stomach comes back again, and he feels a strange moving sensation. groaning, he grabs his stomach, and that’s when mike appears, yawning, from the only bunk william hadn’t checked in yet. “bill! you okay?” he rubs the sleep from his eyes and looks concerned.“y-yeah,” william stammers, catching his breath at last, “no one knew where you were, and then i got really anxious about you and it made my stomach hurt." he tries to make a pouty face, but it must come across as more of a grimace, because mike looks really concerned. then, an especially powerful cramp causes william to fold over in pain.there are tears in his eyes, and he clutches his stomach. “oww…” mike looks close to crying himself. "let me…i'll go get tony, okay? stay right here." william nods weakly. he doesn’t want to miss this show, not for the world.mike runs to tony. "tony, uh, something's wrong with william, he's on the bus with really bad stomach pain." tony follows him, but when they get there, william is standing up and totally fine, finishing up getting ready for the show. when tony asks him, william just says he’s excited for the show. tony sighs. “not funny, mike, i was worried.” he leaves. mike crosses his arms and turns towards william. "dude, for real, what's going on?"william, launching back into his old persona, rolls his eyes. “i, like, had a little bit of stomach cramping. i’m fine now, ohmigod.” he flounces past mike.the show starts great, and then halfway through "the phrase that pays," disaster strikes. it all starts with a broken drumstick. william never likes things onstage to be less than perfect, and so he starts feeling stressed again, and then the cramping starts up again, but worse this time. he stops in the middle of singing a line because the pain is just way too much. william actually drops to the floor, moaning, and crawls backstage, where he rips off his waist trainer, so in pain that he doesn’t even care that anyone who goes backstage will be able to see the extra weight around his middle. tony and a few stagehands who look almost as freaked out as william rush towards him. "what's wrong, should i call for an ambulance?"“g-gabe!” william wails, “i want gabe!” gabe is currently on a plane, completely oblivious to everything that’s happening. the fans in the audience are in an uproar. they're chanting something, but william can't make it out. someone ends up calling 911, and he is loaded onto an ambulance in a half-dazed state.william faints, and when he wakes up, the first word he can make out from a doctor is “labor.” labor? what does he mean by that? william tries to connect labor day to what he's feeling, and comes up blank. "he's dilated 3 centimeters," someone says, and william is even more confused. the metric system, really? and what's dilated? surely his pupils can't be three centimeters, right?“what’s going on?” william asks groggily. there’s a curtain right below his neck, so he can’t see his own body or what they’re doing. "you're giving birth, bill," someone says. william can't even tell who it is, but that doesn't matter. giving birth? surely that must have been a joke. someone just trying to lighten the mood. he's about to ask what's really going on when he falls unconscious. william wakes up to a strange numb feeling in his stomach and the sound of a baby crying. how dare someone bring a baby into this when he's dying or something. "congratulations," one of the nurses says to william, and he just stares at her sleepily. "on what, did you guys take my liver out or something?" he tries to sit up, but finds the bottom half of his body unwilling to cooperate. he's so sore.“you gave birth to a healthy baby girl,” the nurse says, and suddenly the last nine months of william’s life make sense. he’s too overcome with emotion to speak, and he nods wordlessly as the nurse hands him a tiny, perfect newborn baby. she has a head of gabe’s dark curls, as well as gabe’s olive skin tone, but her eyes and nose are all william’s. she’s wearing a pink one of those little knit hats the hospital puts on newborn babies. william tears up. she’s beautiful. he feeds her (breastfeeding hurts, it turns out! william’s chest feels raw and swollen as soon as his daughter is finished) after the nurses leave, just staring down in wonder at the unexpected little girl. he doesn't know where any of his bandmates are, but the only person he really wants to see is gabe. other than his baby, of course. for now, she's keeping him busy.he names her candace gabrielle (after gabe, of course) and means to call gabe and tell him everything, but he falls asleep almost as soon as candace does. he wakes up to his phone ringing. it’s a call from gabe.“good morning, querido!” gabe says brightly, “how are you today? i just landed, and wanted to call you as soon as i got off my flight." william doesn't even know where to start. "oh, hi gabe." what is he supposed to say next? i'm in the hospital? i've just given birth to our child, which neither of us knew i was pregnant with? he doesn't want to give gabe a heart attack, at least not over the phone.“i’m… good,” william says slowly. he decides to wait until he sees gabe in person to tell him everything. there's no way he'd believe him otherwise. "it looks like i have a lot of missed calls from tony, is everything okay?" gabe asks, and william can hear multiple voicemail notifications from gabe's end of the line. "oh yeah, you can just ignore those," william says nonchalantly. "everything got worked out." “oh, good! i’m glad, baby. i’ll see you tonight.”it takes some convincing for william to get the nurses to let him go home from the hospital, but he does it. his c-section scar still hurts, and his chest feels painfully full of milk, but he wants to go home to gabe so badly that he gets on a public bus (after texting his bandmates that he’s okay) and rides for hours with baby candace in his arms.he had been too tired to even think of putting his waist trainer back on (he still looks nine months pregnant, to his annoyance,) but he starts to feel a little self-conscious as he gets closer to home. it’s starting to get dark out, and he catches his reflection in the bus’s window; he has dark circles under his eyes, and his hair is a mess. “your papi will be so surprised when he sees us, won’t he?”, he murmurs to candace.~~gabe grins when he hears his boyfriend on the porch. he bounces his leg a little against the floor in anticipation. he can’t wait to see him!william walks in, and gabe notices a few strange things. firstly, there’s an oddly shaped bundle in william’s arms, but gabe doesn’t have long to wonder what it could be before his attention is drawn instead to the multiple changes to william’s appearance. he's still just as fluffy as the last time gabe saw him, but with the addition of…breasts? the new additions to william's chest stretch out the top of his midtown t-shirt, the material of the iron-on letters chapping and cracking from the pressure. gabe is unable to peel his eyes away once they are fixed on this detail.they’re not small breasts, either. they’re really big, actually. gabe swallows thickly. “bilvy! i missed you!” he says with some effort. he makes his way towards his boyfriend and then notices the bundle in his arms is a baby. not even the fake kind. did william's band adopt a kid while out on the road? "gabe, this is our daughter, candace gabrielle."gabe kind of feels like bursting into tears, but not in a bad way. “our daughter…” it makes sense, he realizes. all the weight william's put on, the clinginess, the boobs. "why didn't you tell me before?" william chuckles. “i didn’t find out until she was already born,” he admits. "of course there were signs, but i never connected the dots. even when i was in labor, i didn't know what was going on." gabe looks down at the beautiful baby, with his dark curls and william’s eyes. “kandi,” he says softly, and william gives him a confused look.“we could call her kandi, for short,” gabe explains. william smiles. “i love it. perfect.” perfect, he thinks to himself again as he looks at his boyfriend and their daughter.two days later, william finally calls for a band meeting. he feels a bit anxious about leaving kandi behind, but he knows her papi will take great care of her while he’s gone. he feels self-conscious about his chest and what his bandmates will think, but he can’t wear anything to hide it, because anything pressing against it just hurts and makes his milk leak. so he just wears a rather clingy red v-neck t-shirt and hopes for the best.william arrives last at the meeting and when he walks in, all eyes are on him. since pretty much everyone was present at the birth of his child there's less surprise in the room than there had been when he and gabe were reunited, but still. "how's the baby?" tom asks, breaking the unwelcome silence. william smiles. “she’s wonderful.”ryan looks wistful. “i love babies,” he says. william makes a mental note to add ryan to his list of potential babysitters in the future.william bites his lip. “i think the band should split up.” when everyone's eyes widen at him, he backtracks. "or, maybe not split up, but i need to be a dad. at least while i’m still breastfeeding,” he says, glancing down at his already wet shirt. lactating is so embarrassing. "i'll help you guys find a replacement singer, and i'll still be around, just a bit…preoccupied."mike nods. “that sounds good, william. we’re all happy for you.”~~(twenty years later)william's super nervous to be performing with his band for the first time in two decades, but he's ready. the academy is… was invited to play at when we were young fest 2026, and william just couldn't turn down the offer, especially not after finding out cobra starship was also requested to play. their daughter candace has just started her second year at culinary school, and gabe and william are both really proud of her.ryan is scared to see pete for the first time since their breakup two decades prior. ryan has changed more than anyone in the past twenty years, completely losing his babyfaced innocence. the only thing that isn’t different is that he was never able to lose the weight that he believes pete dumped him for. in fact, he’s gained a lot more. other than that, though, he's still the same guy. emotionally fragile, devoted to his band, and wary of seeing his ex-boyfriend at a music festival.ryan sighs as he looks at himself in the dressing room mirror. he feels old and ugly. he doesn’t have youth and cuteness on his side anymore. william has aged gracefully, and mike has lost all his baby fat from his twenties. ryan's just…ryan. plain old, nothing new or special about him, unless you count the 20 pounds he's put on since the band's breakup in 2015. he has no idea what to wear for the concert. at least it isn't summer, so he doesn't have to worry about sweat, something that caused a few fashion malfunctions in the past.“hey, william,” he calls, “what should i wear?” william walks over and gestures for ryan's backpack of clothes. he's wearing cropped skinny khaki pants, casual loafers, and a purple tank top. his long brown-gray hair is down and framing his face beautifully. ryan is, as always, in awe of how good he looks. william picks out a pair of black cargo pants and a pale yellow t-shirt for ryan. ryan thanks him, then sighs at himself again in the mirror. he still looks old and fat. even a cute outfit won't be able to fix that.the show goes well, and ryan practically runs backstage after it out of his desperation to avoid pete. he’s seen pictures of pete, of course, and it’s not fair how young and gorgeous he looks. ryan just doesn’t think he’d be able to deal with it.pete, meanwhile, sort of snuck his way into the tai… crowd, because he had figured ryan wouldn’t want to see him, but he’d been curious. and god, now he feels in love with ryan all over again. he looks just the same as he did the last time pete saw him, and his heart just melts as soon as he lays eyes on him. prettiest boy in the world, pete thinks to himself, his heart swelling in his chest. i should have married him years agopete spends most of the concert thinking about how he ruined things with ryan when he was young and dumb. he imagines them married with kids. he wouldn't even mind settling down and giving up the band if it meant he could have been with ryan. pete’s been the single rock star type ever since his breakup with ryan, but now… he wipes away a few tears. he needs to talk to ryan, even if it’s just for a minute. just to see how he's doing. to make sure his personal life is more fulfilling than pete's.pete walks backstage. he sees a flash of movement and hears a door slam shut. “hey, pete,” calls a voice from behind the door, ryan’s but older and sadder, more tired, more jaded, “i’m busy right now." pete would usually crumble under a brush-off like this, but he's so determined to talk to ryan that he doesn't give up. “hey, ryan,” he says back, “i can wait. i really, really want to talk to you.”he hears ryan sigh. “listen, wentz. you don’t have to take pity on me, okay? i’m fine.” he sure doesn't sound fine, but pete's not about to contest that. he has a friendship to repair. "i just want to talk, ryan, no strings attached." “i don’t want you to see what i look like, okay?” ryan sounds at his wit’s end. “i want to talk to you, but please let’s do it through the door.” pete has so many "through the door" jokes, but now is definitely not an appropriate time for any of them. “ryan, what are you talking about? is everything okay in there?" pete hopes ryan hasn't hurt himself or something, all locked up in the dressing room like that.ryan finally just throws the door open, and pete is even more baffled. he looks utterly gorgeous. it’s honestly astounding, the way he somehow hasn’t aged a single day since he was nineteen. pete wonders how he does that. maybe he drinks a lot of water. ryan's just standing there with his arms crossed, the crinkle in his brow that he gets when he's worried. pete’s a little embarrassed by the fact that he must be gawking. he tucks a long blonde strand of hair behind his ear self-consciously. “what… why wouldn’t you have wanted me to see you looking like this?” pete feels like there must be something he’s missing. he scans ryan for any injuries or maybe embarrassing stains on his clothes, but there’s nothing short of perfection.ryan scoffs. "you're kidding, right? i'm huge, pete. you didn't like me before because i was fat, and now i've gained even more weight." ryan gestures to his body. pete’s eyes widen. “wait, you thought i broke up with you because you were fat?” honestly, pete has always kind of had a thing for fat guys, and seeing ryan with love handles is really doing something to him. "you know, the pictures," ryan says quietly, and pete wishes his memory could provide him with some sense of what's going on. he doesn't even remember how him and ryan broke up, but he totally thought ryan had been the one to initiate the split.pete furrows his brow. “i’m sorry, bambi eyes, i really don’t remember.” he doesn’t mean to use his old pet name for ryan, but it just slips out. even after two decades, pete can't not be in love with ryan ross. ryan’s eyes soften at the pet name. “oh, pete. we were so young." pete nods. “we were,” he admits, “but i was right about loving you.” he reaches for ryan's hands, and pulls them up to his own. tears shine in ryan’s eyes. “i haven’t been with anyone since you,” ryan whispers. and it's true, he hasn't even gone on a date since pete, too heartbroken to move on.pete winces. “ryan…” ryan already knows about pete's infamous hookups with girls like lindsay lohan and ashlee simpson, so he figures it might sound a bit weird to him that ryan, who’s thirty-nine now, was nineteen the last time he had sex. he barely remembers what being kissed feels like. "i understand if you don't want to have anything to do with me, but i'd like to try again," pete blurts out. ryan looks astonished. “yes! god yes,” he breathes. "and it doesn't have to be now, i understand if you need some time to, y'know, process everything-" "now is good," ryan cuts in. "if it's okay with you." he's been alone long enough.pete kisses ryan in response. he's so warm, just like ryan remembers, and fits perfectly in his arms as he reaches up to meet ryan's lips. “you really still want me?” ryan breathes, hoping not to ruin this perfect moment."i've only ever wanted you."~~their wedding is held the following summer, at a nice chapel in the countryside. patrick composes a piece just for the occasion, which is performed by a string quartet at the ceremony. william comes, of course, and he cries, feeling very emotional about his sweet young friend getting married.gabe puts an arm around his husband. their daughter sits beside william, wearing a soft pink dress. she’s really grown up, and now she’s a beautiful young woman. she's spending the summer working for a catering business started by gabe's old friend alex from cobra starship, and is getting a lot of field experience from it. “are you okay, daddy?” she whispers to william. william nods gently, but doesn't say anything. she sets her hand on top of his and gives it a pat.by the time vows are said, william is quietly crying to himself in the pews. he is so glad everything's finally come full circle. him and gabe, pete and ryan, everyone at this wedding showing their support, this is how it all should be. william’s heart is full.