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Maruko walked alone under the spring colored sky. The clouds scattered around, forbidding the sun to emit its rays to the earth. The footsteps and the noise of chit-chatting people around filled her ears, killing the silence within her. A few birds perched on a big tree branch, chirping beautifully while occasionally looking at her. Maruko stopped her step, looking at them while wondering. What did they talk about? Did they talk about how their days were? Did they talk about what they wanted to do at night? Did they talk about wanting to find a new place to be their home? Did they talk about their problems? Did they talk about humans? Did they talk about her? Maruko wondered about it. Not long after that, the group of birds flew away, leaving her alone on the street, watching them flapping their wings beautifully. Maruko turned her eyes and met two girls of the high school students sitting on the bench under the sakura tree. Probably listening to a song as Maruko saw earphones plugged into each other's ears. They smiled brightly, talking about something happily, and then laughed together freely. Ignoring how many people passed in front of them. Feel familiar , Maruko thought. A long sigh escaped from her lips. The heaviness feelings within her started wrapping her tight again. She didn't know if it was because of the tiredness of work or something else, but she knew that she was going to enter her sentiment station again. She walked again slowly, moving her heavy steps ahead. The heaviness on her steps managed to pass the girls that she saw earlier. Under the sakura tree, they laughed together again. Maruko heard a bit of the joke that probably came from one of them. The other girl laughed happily, even slapped her friend’s arm as they laughed together, ignoring Maruko’s glance while passing them. Reminds me of someone , Maruko thought. Maruko turned her face ahead and walked away. Leaving behind two girls who looked similar to her with someone else seven years ago. Someone that she used to call her best friend . Someone that used to be with her and they used to be together whenever and wherever they were, sticking around like glued. Someone that Maruko thought of as her beloved friend. Someone named Kurako. Their friendship was like a candle and its light. It couldn't be separated. Wherever there was Maruko, there must be Kurako, and vice versa. At least that was what she thought at first. Until something big happened. People said that friendships couldn't be called a real friendship without a fight. Maruko and Kurako had a lot of fights, but the last one was really a fight, a big fight. Something that she never expected would happen to them. It happened on the day before their graduation day, when everyone was busy with their own business, preparing for their graduation, speech, or performance that they wanted to show. Some of them were also busy talking about their future plans, where they wanted to go, or where they wanted to continue their path. Maruko and Kurako were part of that "some of them". Maruko was sitting alone on her chair, drinking the milk from its bottle after practicing singing for their performance. The others were ready to go home after a long day. They walked outside and left Maruko alone on her seat. Yokoko, a girl with pale skin and bob black hair, suddenly stopped at the doorway and looked at her before she asked, "Maruko, don't you want to go home?" Maruko turned her face towards her, "I'm still waiting for Kurako." "Aaah okay! See you~" Yokoko said before she left. Maruko watched Yokoko's back disappear from her sight. She let out a long sigh through her nose before she took the last sip from her drink. Maruko looked at the opened window, watching the orange sun rays shone brightly at her. The spring breeze blew softly towards her, brushing her bangs gently. She leaned her chin onto her palm and a soft hum escaped from her lips as she tapped her fingertips on the table gently, following the rhythm of her song. Without her realizing, her eyes shut slowly as she got carried away by the quiet and calm spring afternoon in their classroom. Maruko didn't know how long she had been slept, but she opened her eyes as she felt someone shake her body. She looked up and met Kurako's eyes. "You fell asleep?" She asked. Maruko looked around, feeling confused for a moment before she realized and grinned, "I guess so." Kurako's eyes wrinkled as she smiled brightly, making her look incredibly cute. It was also a smile that looked incredibly beautiful. A smile that became one of Maruko's favorite things. A smile that calmed herself till her heart. A smile that she wanted to see all the time. Without Maruko realizing, a soft smile etched on her own lips. She turned her face slowly facing the window, watching some of her juniors walk together after finishing their club. A thin smile formed on her lips as she saw them talking and laughing freely. She would miss this place Maruko turned her face to Kurako as she heard a chewing sound come out of her mouth. A light chuckle escaped from her lips as she watched how messy Kurako ate her curry pan. “Can’t you eat carefully?" She said before leaning towards her and helping Kurako to wipe her uniform. Kurako didn't say anything as she kept eating her food, letting Maruko help her to clean her mess. "Oh, Kurako. Can you help me to study for the university exam later? I can't understand it by myself so I need your help." She said while cleaning the mess that Kurako caused on her desk. Maruko waited for her answer. She looked at Kurako who suddenly stopped chewing and looking at her with her eyes slightly widened. “Kurako?” Kurako averted her eyes and continued eating her food, as if she didn't hear what Maruko said. Maruko tilted her head to meet her eyes, but Kurako kept her eyes down while eating her food. Maruko could see she was avoiding her. “Hey, Kurako." Kurako was hiding something. She knew, she could see it. "Kurako?" She called again softly, "is everything alright?" But Kurako didn't answer. She kept eating and avoiding her, ignoring her as if she didn't want to talk to her. The more she tried to act as usual, the more Maruko knew that she was hiding something. It was just a few seconds but Maruko met her eyes and saw the worry and discomfort implicit in it. "Kurako, you look uncomfortable. What's going on?" Maruko asked, trying her best to hide her own worries behind her voice. "Nothing. It's fine." She answered casually. "You're not good at it, you know. Hiding something. I can see it." Kurako let out a bitter chuckle before she continued, "you always act like you know everything. Are you a magician?" Maruko remained silent, lowering her head as she tried to ignore Kurako’s sarcasm. She cleaned her throat and looked up, locking her eyes on Kurako, staring at her suspiciously as if she tried to dig her secret and making her look more uncomfortable. There was silence for a moment until she saw Kurako’s lips slightly open, as if she was ready to spill her words. "I… I will move… " Kurako said softly— too soft that Maruko couldn't even hear her. "Hmm? What did you say?" Maruko asked, leaning closer to Kurako. But instead of getting any answer, she only saw how Kurako started stammering. The corner of Kurako's eyes dropped, and the uneasiness showed on her face clearly. Maruko's body suddenly tensed as she saw what kind of face that Kurako had. "Kurako, you make me worried! What's going on?" Maruko asked, her voice started shaking. She kept her eyes on Kurako, studying every expression that she saw on her face. And Maruko could see the confusion and worry etched on Kurako’s face. She even bit her lips, avoiding Maruko’s eyes by looking down, and probably scratching her own fingers. Maruko could tell by studying Kurako's face that she had difficulty telling her. What kind of thing that made her so difficult to tell. Maruko couldn't think about anything as worries started wrapping her. She was going to ask again but she couldn't let out her voice, as if it was lost after hearing the next words that escaped from Kurako's lips. "I will move… " "...tomorrow." The noises of the other students passing through the corridor in front of their classroom became unheard. The ticking sound of the clock on the wall absorbed into silence. It felt like time had stopped. Nah, not only time, but everything. Everything felt like it had stopped. Everything that Maruko heard was just the ringing sound that filled her ears and her pounding heart. She could feel her blood start racing in her veins. "What?" was the only word that could spill from her mouth, as if she didn't hear what Kurako said. Her eyes darted around the room, as if seeking for any confirmation or reassurance that what she heard was only her imagination. Her brows slightly furrowed and her jaw dropped. Maruko was too stunned to speak. Her lips dried and none of the single words came out afterwards. Everything stuck in her throat, choking her. "W—... What did you say?" Maruko finally spoke while catching her breath. “You… you will move?" "I will not go to the same university as you. I already canceled everything and I will leave for my grandparents' place." Kurako replied while lowering her head, avoiding Maruko's eyes. "What?" "I'm sorry… " The thing that Kurako just said made her completely speechless. She leaned her back onto the chair, eyes staring in disbelief. She turned her eyes to the window. Her body tensed and her hand moved by itself, clutching her chest and feeling how fast her heart beat was. A thunderous shock ran in her blood, gripping her tight. Everything happened too sudden. She needed more time to process it, but it looked like the time didn't let her to. Maruko took a deep breath again and again, trying to swallow Kurako’s words. It wasn't food but Maruko felt like she had been choked. A long and sharp sigh escaped from her lips before she spilled out her words, "why… why didn't you tell me about it earlier?" said her stammering, looking at Kurako who still lowered her face. "I… I didn't mean to tell you the last…" "The last?” Maruko asked, leaning ahead her body and cocking her brow. “Am I the last person that knows about it?!” "You have told the others?! Really, Kurako?!" Maruko didn't realize that she raised her voice. "No.. no. That's not what I meant. I—... " She replied, finally looked up and met Maruko's eyes. "What? What did you mean? Did you want to hide it forever?" Maruko said while staring in disbelief. She clenched her hand into a fist while trying to catch her breath. Anger started running in her blood, wrapping her tight. The ticking sound of the wall clock filled the classroom. Maruko wished it could kill the discomfort between them, but the fact was it couldn't. Kurako remained silent, her head still looked down, as if she didn't want to meet her eyes. It took a few moments for Maruko to speak again, spilling her words after she calmed a bit. "Are you still annoyed with me because of that thing?" Maruko asked in a low voice, her eyes still staring out the window, looking at the red-ish sky outside. She kept waiting, hoping that she would hear a denial or at least an explanation from Kurako. But not a single word came out of her mouth. Kurako even still lowered her head which annoyed Maruko even more. Maruko let out a bitter chuckle before she spoke, “so you're still pissed at me, huh?" said her bitterly. "Is that why you have become more quiet recently?” She asked again, turning her face towards Kurako, "you've decided that you want to avoid me and you don't want me to go to the same university as you. So you remained silent." She bit her tongue, swallowing hard the lump in her throat and holding back her tears that she didn't realize started pooling in her eyes. Kurako raised her head and looked at her. Brows furrowed and eyes full of disbelief. "Why did you say that?" "Well, who knows that maybe you still hate the thing that I did to you back then. I'm not surprised if you do but—... " "Why do you think of me like that?" Kurako said, stopping Maruko from what she was going to say. "Why do you think that I would hate you because of that?" Maruko gulped as she clenched her hand, staring at Kurako with the same eyes as her, full of tears and disappointment. "Because that's probably true?" She said in a challenging tone. She leaned back to her seat as she crossed her arms, looking outside as she felt her vision started blurring. Deep down, Maruko could understand if Kurako was still annoyed at her. She was the one who broke Kurako's heart by telling her boyfriend—ex boyfriend —about what Kurako’s thought about him, causing them to have a fight and break up. But she did it because Kurako's ex was a damn a stupid and bad person— at least that was what Maruko felt. She didn't want Kurako to survive another heartbreak anymore. So she broke her first. It hurt her too, of course. There was no doubt about it. It broke her too when she found out that Kurako was still annoyed at her. It hurt, indeed. But she didn't expect that it caused Kurako to feel like she wanted to avoid her. She didn't expect that Kurako would cancel her appointment after she told her that she also wanted to go to the same university as her. She didn't expect Kurako would be so angry like this just because of that. Maruko knew it was wrong. It was wrong to get into Kurako’s relationship with her ex boyfriend. It was wrong to tell some lies about what Kurako’s feelings to her boyfriend. It was wrong, she knew it. But she did it for Kurako’s sake. She did it because she knew how Kurako did her best to be the best when she was with him. She didn’t want Kurako to lose herself by becoming somebody else when she was with him. She didn't want it to happen. So she lied. Not completely lying because some of them were the truth, especially when she told him that Kurako loved him. It was true, yet it hurt. It hurt her that Kurako met someone that she loved and she wanted to spend more of her time with him. It hurt her when Kurako left her behind. It hurt her when Kurako kept rejecting her invitation to hang out. It hurt her. And it hurt her even more when she found out the fact that Kurako wanted to avoid her because of that, and even she wanted to leave without telling her. It hurt her even more when she found out that Kurako would have never told her if she didn't bring the topic up first. It hurt. It really hurt. It looked like Kurako didn't respect her. It looked like Kurako didn't think of her feelings. It looked like Kurako didn't consider her as her best friend . It looked like Kurako really didn't think of her as someone important in her life. “See? You really get mad at me for causing your relationship to break. You get mad because I broke your heart and your love story. You get mad at me so you want to avoid me. Is that true, Kurako? Do you still love him? Do you still want to be with him?” Maruko couldn't hide her feelings anymore, she didn't even know what she was talking about. She could only feel the pain. It was too late to stop the words that spilled from her lips or the tears that streamed down on her face. Kurako stared at her wide-eyed, her brows furrowed and a single tear fell down on her cheek. “Then what are you gonna do if it's true?!" She asked in a challenging tone. “What are you gonna do if I really get mad at you?!” “What are you gonna do if I really want to avoid you, Maruko?!” Maruko could only stare in aghast. Kurako looked away for a moment and faced Maruko. With eyes brimmed with tears and lips trembling, she let out her words. “You asked me if it's true or not, right? Yes, it's true!! I'm so angry at what you have done to my relationship. You have crossed your line!! I have let you act as if you know everything about me even though it is really annoying. I have let you stick with me even though it is really troublesome. I have let you do what you wanted. I listened to everything you have told me about how to behave as if you know me more than myself. I listened and did every single thing that you thought was the best for me. I've let you control me to be what you thought was the best!!” “But do you want to know the truth? None of them were the best for me! You wanted to see me as what you wanted. You never let me be myself!! ” “And then you broke my relationship!!” “You are too pretentious to know what is best for me and it's really annoying! It's tiring to do what you want me to do. It's tiring to listen to all your hopes. It's tiring to be controlled. It's tiring to listen to all your jokes. It's tiring to listen to all your favorite songs. It's tiring to watch your silly behavior. It's tiring to be friends with you!! ” Kurako said with her raised voice. Her eyes were full of anger and tears finally fell down on her reddened face. Maruko was too shocked to speak. She couldn't even cry after knowing everything that Kurako spilled from her mouth. She could only stare in aghast. Her jaw dropped and her lips became dry. Maruko’s eyes darted over the room while trying to process everything. Deep down, she still wanted to believe that Kurako only wanted to fool her. Kurako probably just wanted to avenge her hurt, so she told some lies. Maruko would be fine if she got hurt as long as everything that Kurako said was not true. She could bear temporary pain. But when she looked deeply into Kurako’s eyes, she couldn't find what she was looking for; any lies. She couldn't even tell what kind of expression Kurako had. Maruko really wanted to speak but all of the words she had stuck on her throat. She looked away as she saw Kurako wipe her own tears, averting her eyes away from her. Maruko’s lips hanging loosely, trying to prepare herself to spill her own words, but seeing how Kurako acted as if she didn't even want to talk any further, only squeezed Maruko’s heart even more. She swallowed hard the lump that blocked her throat before it could choke her even more. She looked outside, staring at the sky which was radiating a beautiful red orange-ish color a few moments ago, now turned dark. Whether dusk would come or rain would greet her, Maruko didn't know. She couldn't tell the difference. Her brain was too foggy to think. Maruko let out a sharp and long sigh through her mouth as she leaned back onto her seat. She turned her eyes facing Kurako who looked away. It was just a few moments but Maruko could see tears still running down on Kurako’s cheeks. A bitter laugh escaped from her lips as she said, “you're the one who spoke harshly but you're the one who cried." “What kind of tears is that? A satisfied tear? Are you satisfied after letting out your feelings about me?” “Don't play victim, you're the one who started this." “I'm not playing—" Maruko held her breath, leaning ahead while pointing out her index, gritting her teeth as she tried to control her emotion. “I'm not playing victim!! You're the one who started this!! You're the one who spilled all of your… complaints about me.” Maruko spoke while giving an emphasis on her words. “And you didn't even want to tell me that you're moving if I didn't bring this topic up!!!" Maruko raised her voice, staring at her with eyes full of disappointment. “You really don't understand what I'm talking about, do you?” Kurako asked, smiling bitterly while looking at her. “I don't like being friends with you. I want to avoid you, I want to end our friendship so I didn't tell you.” "You fed me up." That's it. That was the biggest thing that squeezed Maruko’s heart until it crashed. She could only stare with mouth slightly opened and eyes full of disbelief. While breathing heavily, Maruko tried to speak but words stuck on her throat, unable to let them out. She tried to catch her breath and darted her eyes around the room, seeking for any reason for her to believe that it was just a dream. But she couldn't find it. It wasn't a dream. It was too real to be a dream. She took a deep breath and let it out sharply. “Okay… “ said her while nodding while keeping her eyes on Kurako’s. She packed her bag and hung it on her arms. After throwing the last stare at Kurako, she stood up and walked away, leaving Kurako alone in the classroom. Maruko kept moving her feet, stepping down on the stare slowly while gripping her bag tightly. Despite how broken her heart was, Maruko still wanted to believe that Kurako was telling some lies. She wanted to believe that everything Kurako said was not true. She wanted to believe that Kurako had something on her mind. She wanted to believe that the real reason why Kurako would leave was not because of her. She still wanted to hope that everything that just happened was only a dream, a terrified dream. She really hoped a bomb that Kurako dropped into her face and into her heart was only a dream. But everything felt too real to be a dream. Everything was too real to be called a dream. Everything was too real to be ignored. As if being hit by a big rock, Maruko started trembling. Her blood started rushing in her veins. Her heart was beating fastly as she felt anger spread over her body. She clutched her white uniform around her chest, feeling the pain within it that started spreading fastly. She felt like her heart was being peeled, stabbed, and crashed until she couldn't feel it. Her visions started to mist and her knees became weakened. Maruko leaned her body onto the wall, meanwhile her hand tried to find something to be held when she felt she couldn't stand. But it was no use. Her body fell to her knees as a waterfall started streaming down her face, blocking her views. Her bags fell from her arm as her hands flew onto her face, not wanting to show herself and tried to hold her cracked voice so it wouldn't spread around the corridor Maruko wanted to hold her tears but she couldn't. Her eyes burnt, her chest hurt. Pain, disappointment, anger, heartache, everything mixed inside her, making her sob. Maruko tried to hold her voice, but it caused more pain within her. She wanted to shout out, but her voice stuck in her throat, choking her. She buried her face on her knees, sobbing hard, wetting her own skirt with her own tears, crying everything out while wishing it could wash away her pain. The flash memories hit her hard while sobbing. The memory when she and Kurako made a promise to stay together. The memories when she and Kurako laughed at the silly things. The memories when she spent her entire day with her, doing so many things. It was ironic how they made a promise to stay together without thinking that things might change in the future. It was ironic how Maruko put her hope deeply that they would be together in many conditions. It was ironic how she even planted her heart into their friendship. But instead of growing beautifully, Kurako pulled its roots and threw them away. Causing the big hole within Maruko’s heart and making her suffer. It was really painful. She knew that she was the one who started it. She knew she shouldn't have crossed the line. She knew that she should have thought about Kurako’s feelings. But Maruko just wanted to see Kurako happy. She believed that Kurako could be herself when she was with her. She believed that Kurako was fine whenever she told her what she was supposed to do. She believed it because she really thought Kurako felt the same towards her. But apparently it was only Maruko who believed it. Kurako broke her feelings, her trust, her heart. And their friendship. Maruko raised her face while sniffing. Her eyes sting, tears hanging in her lashes. Her face had turned red. She looked at the sky and realized that it was filled with clouds that evenly covered the setting sun. As Maruko brought her body to stand, hugging her bag on her chest, and moved her feet to walk. The raindrops fell to the earth along with tears that fell down her cheeks. The ping sound from her phone distracted her from her reverie. Maruko was confused when she found herself sitting on the bench under the sakura tree—the same bench when she saw the two girls earlier. Her mind was replaying the same painful memories on the day before the graduation day. She fished out her phone in her bag, then she read the name that popped up on the notification bar, a name of her old friend that she had not seen for a long time. Fastly, her fingers typed a message, sending a reply for a message from her. Not long after, a call came from the same person. Maruko wiped her tears that she didn't realize were falling down on her face before she answered the call. “Un, yokoko? What's going on?” “Maruko…” “Yea? What's wrong?” A group of children riding their bicycles passed in front of her, blocking her hearing of Yokoko's words. Maruko asked again, “I'm sorry, Yokoko. I can't hear you. What did you say?" The next words that Maruko heard from Yokoko made her freeze. The same shock, even greater than what she felt seven years ago, now came to wrap her tightly. Taking the air in her lungs, making her breathless. Her heart dropped to her stomach. Her eyes, which were still slightly wet from her previous tears, were widened as she stared at the empty street in front of her. The world seemed to split and fall on her, as if hitting her with a large and painful rock. The words kept spinning in her head, echoing in her ears. Everything became unheard. All she could feel was only the shock that tightly wrapped around her. The words that she never thought she would hear. The words that were very hard to believe. The words that she never expected would happen to her.
“Kurako has died."
Maruko squinted her eyes as a dazzling white light penetrated between her lashes. She brought her hand over her eyes, blocking her views. She woke up and found herself lying down on the white floor. Her brows slightly furrowed as she looked around, confused about where she was. The room she was in looked spacious, it felt so bright because it was surrounded by white bright color in every corner. Her eyes looked as far as she could, looking for a possible doorway for him to escape. There were no doors, no windows, just a wide bright room with a pair of school benches at the end of the room. Maruko walked to get closer to it. As she walked, she saw the back of a girl in a school uniform sitting there. Her body was bent as if she was leaning on a table with her face turned to the side. Maruko kept her feet moving to see her closer. And then her step stopped as she saw her clearly. Her hair was loose, her bangs fell covering part of her face. Her eyes widened when she saw the girl's face. With the same posture and face, the same uniform, the same sleeping style. That was a girl who was fast asleep after practicing before their graduation day. And the girl was herself in high school, falling asleep in the classroom while waiting for Kurako to come. Not long after, a young girl with two pigtails came walking towards her who was sleeping. Maruko’s heart was going to squeeze and she wanted to avert her eyes from them. But the next move from Kurako was something she didn't expect. Kurako was smiling softly before she leaned closer to the young Maruko, gazing at her deeply with a pair of soulful eyes. Kurako brought her hand to Maruko’s hair, stroking it gently while smiling warmly. A smile that reached her eyes. A smile that Maruko had been missing so much. A smile that Maruko wished to see all the time. Maruko—the current Maruko— thought that she wouldn't be more surprised, but the next move of Kurako successfully made her heart skip. Kurako moved closer, facing her face, leaning closer to her face. From the current Maruko’s point of view, she really thought that they were kissing. But the truth was Maruko didn't know it. She couldn't see it, and she didn't remember it. But her heart pounded loudly. While she was still trapped in a situation she didn't understand, someone from behind gently tapped her shoulder. Maruko startled and looked behind her shoulder. How surprised she was to see that the person she saw who was (as if) kissing the young version of herself also appeared in front of her, but in a more mature version. “K-... Kurako?" Kurako, a beautiful woman with flowing black hair and side bangs smiled gently at her. Her eyes were dazzling, her skin was pale but she looked healthy. Her lips looked moist with pink ink. Her smile was charming and shining until it reached her eyes, and the smile was shown to Maruko before greeting her softly, “Hi, Maruko. Long time no see." Maruko stammered as she blinked repeatedly, stared in disbelief at what she saw. She turned her face towards them and saw the things that she didn't want to; their old self who had a big fight. “Just ignore them." Kurako spoke gently. Maruko looked at her, brows slightly furrowed while trying to process everything she saw. “Is it a dream?" She murmured to herself, but it seemed like Kurako heard her as she gave a smile to her. “Shall we walk?" Maruko wasn't sure what was happening. Was it only in her mind, or was it real, or was it just her dream? She couldn't tell, she was unable to think. “How's your life going, Maruko?" Maruko kept her mouth closed and looked away as she tried to collect her words on her tongue, still confused and felt unsure about this thing. But she decided to give her an answer. “Not bad." "I see, glad to hear that.” There was no conversation afterwards. They merely walked side by side, keeping their faces ahead but sometimes, Maruko took a glance at Kurako. Seeing how beautiful and fresh she was, Maruko assumed that she had been living well. They continued walking through the empty and bright room. Maruko kept her face away, trying to recognize the place where they walked. Her footsteps suddenly stopped as something crossed her mind. “Are we in the corridor of our school?" “You finally recognized it." Kurako spoke after turning back towards her. Maruko was going to speak more but suddenly, she heard a fast footsteps from her back. She looked back and saw another Maruko— the young her — collapsed to her knees, crying. The exact same moment of her after their fight. Seeing herself crying alone while hugging herself broke Maruko’s heart even more. It was the same as when she opened her old painful memories. She looked away and saw that Kurako had been watching her; the young her who cried and sobbed alone in the corridor. Maruko was surprised to see what kind of face Kurako had on her face while watching her. “I'm really hurting you, am I?" She spoke softly, too soft that Maruko could barely hear her. “You just realized it?" Maruko replied bitterly. Her heart squeezed again as those memories panged her. She clenched her hands and swallowed hard the lump that started growing in her throat. “I'm sorry…” With such a distance and such a soft voice, it was hard for Maruko to hear her. Her heart ached but she chose to step closer to Kurako when she saw that Kurako seemed to want to say something to her. She only intended to hear what Kurako was going to say, but what she saw only broke her heart more. A single tear fell down on Kurako’s cheeks. She turned her face towards her with eyes full of tears. Maruko was going to ask but her selfishness held her to do that. “Forgive me…” “I never meant to hurt you." Maruko looked away as she felt her vision started to blur. She blinked fastly to wash away the mist in her eyes, not letting her tears fall for now. “I was surprised when you assumed that I was still mad at you because of that thing. I couldn't deny that it hurt me a bit, but I can understand.” “But instead of telling you the truth, I took that chance to tell you some lies." Maruko’s heart was going to drop as she heard the words of lies . Her blood rushing in her veins, her breath became short. She clenched her hand as she swallowed hard again the lump inside her throat, trying to be calm, not wanting to repeat the same mistake as her old self. “What do you mean by lies?" Kurako wiped her own tears before she spoke, “I was sick." “Doctor said that I wouldn't be able to move, or to speak sooner or later. He also told me that I would lose my memory from time to time. Forgetting everything in the past. And knowing it only crashed me into pieces.” "I moved to my grandparent's place to get the best treatment at the hospital there. I really wanted to tell you the truth, but the thought of how broke you would be, it had stopped me from doing that.” “So I lied.” Maruko was too stunned to speak. “I lied to you so I could leave you. I couldn't imagine how painful it was to see someone we loved losing their memory, unable to remember anything about them.” “And thinking about how it would break you, and us, it just broke me more." “I really am sorry, Maruko." “I never meant to tell you the last… " Maruko listened to all her words and let her heart be stabbed for the second time. She saw how Kurako looked at her with tears hanging in her eyes, before they streamed down her face. And without Maruko realizing, she also had the same tears on her face. Maruko couldn't say anything, she didn't know what to feel. She didn't know whether she had to feel happy because everything that Kurako said in the past were lies, or she had to feel angry because Kurako still acted as she pleased. She didn't know. But it still hurt her. “You should have told me about this, you know?" Maruko said after a while, holding back her tears as she spoke again, “it was really painful. It's still painful even after these seven years." Maruko kept her eyes on her, tears brimming again in her eyes, ready to fall. “But it hurt me even more after knowing that you were suffering alone. Indeed, it must be painful. I might get hurt because you would forget me in the future. Seeing you unable to move or to speak would break me into pieces too.” “But you shouldn't have kept it alone. You shouldn't have survived alone, Kurako." Maruko choked her voice before she continued, “You shouldn't have kept this pain alone…” “I want to be there as your friend, your best friend, supporting you, accompanying you. Being there for you as long as I can. " I know… “ Kurako spoke softly. “Then why did you lie? Why didn’t you tell me earlier?” Maruko choked her own voice. The same painful memories panged her again, everything started because she was asking the same question. She knew she shouldn't have said this, but a part of her pushed her to say it. Kurako took a deep breath and walked closer to her while smiling softly, her eyes brimming with tears. Kurako placed her hand over Maruko’s cheeks, wiping her tears before it fell to her chin. “Because I don't want to see you cry like this for me…” “I don't want to see you in pain because you see me suffer.” Maruko held her breath as she locked her eyes on Kurako’s. Tears were pooling in Kurako's eyes, but there was something else implicit inside. Something that Maruko had believed in for a long time. Something that made her make mistakes in the past. And something that now scared her. Maruko’s lips slightly parted as she saw Kurako leaned closer to her. Her heart was beating fast while keeping her eyes on Kurako's. And then she closed her eyes as Kurako locked her lips on her. A single tear fell again from Maruko’s eyes as Kurako pushed her lips deeply into her. The kiss was soft, full of tenderness, yearning, and love. While trembling, Maruko let Kurako guide her and did what she wanted. She let herself get carried away in a current of pain, longing, regret and deep heartache. However, her fragile heart was still able to beat with every touch Kurako had on her lips. Maruko let out a soft breath and opened her eyes as Kurako broke their kisses. She didn't even realize that she looped her arms around Kurako's waist as she kept her eyes on her. They looked at each other with eyes full of warmth and longing. A pool of tears which showed sadness in Kurako's eyes, had been replaced with a spark of happiness. Kurako still kept her cold palm on Maruko’s cheeks, caressing her bloomed in pink-cheeks gently before she spoke softly, “Be happy, Maruko." Maruko stirred as she felt cold over her body, making her shiver. She opened her eyes slowly and turned her back to lay on the white sheet of her bed for a moment until she realized that she had difficulty breathing. Maruko woke her body up and felt her eyes were swollen and wet. She was crying. It had been a week since she heard the news about Kurako’s death. And for the past week she had been dreaming about her. It was the same dream over and over again, making her difficult to sleep because she felt Kurako kept haunting her. But tonight, just now, the dream felt different. It felt real. It felt like she met Kurako for real, listening to her confession, the true reason for Kurako leaving her. It felt real. Everything felt real even for the kisses. She could feel the warmth from Kurako’s lips on her, her soft breath on her face, her tenderness, her honesty. And her love. Maruko wiped the tears that were running down her cheeks again. Feeling exhausted about everything. The painful memories of her past with Kurako tirelessly smacking her again, as if punishing her for everything she had done in the past. Indeed, Kurako told her about the truth, apologizing for her lies even though it was through a dream. But Maruko couldn't blame Kurako for everything. She couldn't throw everything that she was the one who started it. She felt bad for thinking that Kurako hated her. She felt bad for accusing Kurako of wanting to avenge her broken heart. She felt bad for ignoring Kurako’s feelings. She felt bad for living well, being healthy, meanwhile Kurako survived with her illness. She felt bad for throwing her fault and felt like Kurako the one who broke her heart, hiding her honesty about everything. She felt bad because she did the same. She made a mistake in the past by hiding her own feelings, the real reason she broke Kurako’s relationship. It was because of her jealousy. She was jealous if Kurako had someone she loved beside her. She was jealous if Kurako found someone else better than her. She let her selfishness take her by subtly controlling Kurako, guiding her to do what she was supposed to do. Acted as if she was the one who could make Kurako be herself. She didn't even let Kurako pick what she wanted if Maruko herself didn't like it. But she did it because she loved her. She loved her but she didn't know how to convey her feelings. She loved her but she made the wrong way to tell her. She loved her but she chose the wrong path by lying to her. If on that day she told her the truth, she wondered what would happen to them. Maybe Kurako would believe her and let her stay by her side. If she told her the truth about her feelings, maybe they wouldn't have fought. If she told her the truth about her feelings, maybe they wouldn't be apart like now. If she told her the truth about her feelings, maybe her story would be different. Even if watching Kurako survive with her illness would break her, she didn't mind as long as she could be with her, supporting her, cherishing every moment she had with her. Maruko brought her knees over her chest as pain wrapped her tight, as if taking the air in her lungs. She was hopeless. She cried everything in silence, sobbing hard alone while hugging herself. The pain, disappointment, hopelessness, anger, and guilt, everything wrapped her tight, making her tremble. Maruko dug her own nails on her skin, punishing herself for everything she had done. Wishing that her cry could bring back the time, and started all over. But it was late. There was no hope. Kurako had gone, leaving her forever. There was no chance for her to apologize to her. There was no chance for her to start again. Everything was late. Maruko raised her head, eyes swollen and reddened. Her vision was blurred. She reached her phone beside her pillow to see the clock. As she tapped the screen, she saw a name popped up on her notification. A name of a person that she had been missing a lot. A name of a person that had been haunting her over the years. A name of a person that had been visiting her in her dreams in the past week. While trembling, blood rushed in her veins, and short breath escaped from her lungs. Maruko slapped her own cheeks to see if she was still dreaming. It wasn't a dream. It was definitely not a dream. She flipped her phone on her bed, letting its screen facing the white sheet as she took a deep breath, trying to be calm. She swallowed hard her gasps, holding back her tears, not letting it fall again this time. Her other hand clutched her clothes to stop her from trembling. By another deep breath, Maruko flipped her phone and looked at its screen. Her eyes brimmed with tears as she read the messages that Kurako sent to her. Kurako’s last message felt so real, as if she saw her and spoke to her. As if she was holding her tight and whispering the words that she really wanted to hear. She felt ashamed, but at the same time Kurako’s words managed to calm her, as if reassuring her that everything would be fine. Her unstoppable tears ran down her cheeks to her chin, wetting her sheet that she had pulled up to her face, wrapping her tight, hugging herself while trembling and sobbing. In the middle of the quiet spring night, Maruko was completely breaking down alone in her dark room.
02.34. A new message from K
urako:
I have forgiven you, Maruko, and you have to forgive yourself too.
Be happy, my dearest friend