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Jade ducked, letting a soft and completely blockable hook punch sail easily over her head and throw her opponent off balance. He would fight better if he weren’t chattering for the sole sake of feeling his brains rattle. She knew she was a vault of secrets for him, a place to say things without acknowledging them.  The words were mostly garbled and they had an unspoken deal that she wouldn’t acknowledge them either. “Dad says,” a grunt and he threw a half-hearted swing “that I need to learn to hold my own as a ‘real man’, like I don’t go camping almost once a month. I don’t think he’d care unless I lived through the actual Cabin in the Woods movie” Jade snorted at that, and caught Graydon Hastur, son of Zivian Hastur, twice in the gut. She held her glove out for him to tap, signaling the end of their bout. It was a fun challenge to have to avoid all headshots, even when they were wide open. Jade had to stay much more mentally present and halt her natural fighting rhythms. She removed her mouth guard as Graydon grabbed his water bottle and she leaned against the ropes, already looking forward to her next student who would prove a bit more of a challenge. He at least gave a shit. Graydon was a kind young man with a perfect heart and a sweet little lisp. Even if boxing was not his calling, Jade was fond of him. As she watched, he took a towel to the jet-black hair around his ears, tied back out of his way in a small pony at the nape of his neck. With a couple of small movements, he put his hearing aids back on. “Camping? I have a place I like to go.” Jade offered in the understatement of the century. She gave him a business card from the side of her backpack. “They have music festivals twice a year. Very queer and very inclusive. I’ve had some of the best times of my life there, playing in the snow.” Graydon perked up at that, seeming a bit happier at the idea of doing one of his favorite things with his coach whom he seemed exceedingly fond of. Jade felt proud of herself for thinking up the idea.  She texted Hubert and Anne when she got home to let them know she had pitched the ‘hole-in-the-wall’ campground to someone she thought would fit in well. Jade left out his hearing difference. It didn’t seem important. —--/////—-- With most people in their lives, Graydon and Kit called it a ‘support group’. Loosely, he guessed, the term could apply. They did support one another, and there was occasionally a group of the. Most of the time, though, he didn’t think support groups met in bars. He and Kit did. Now and then they would invite a friend or two. Kit would joke that it supported their white lie. Graydon treasured those times with the waiters who were used to them handing their orders on a scrap of notebook paper Kit was always able to produce from somewhere and the one nice girl who had started to learn the ASL terms for various alcohols, which Kit seemed so fond of experimenting with. Graydon was fluent, most people assumed because of his hearing difference, but actually because he had wanted to learn, to immerse himself into another community. His father had prevented him from participating in most of their cultural practices, but he had been allowed ASL lessons because they could be beneficial in business potentially one day in the future. Graydon had been petulantly appreciative, at least to himself, and then genuinely… because he had met Kit Tanthalos there, and she had become his best friend. “So my very cool, very hot boxing teacher suggested that I meet up with her at this very cool campground she suggested. They have music festivals twice a year. I looked it up, and it seemed just as cool as she made it sound. I thought I should pay it forward to you as well. It could be a good chance for you to get away for a while.”  he suggested, choosing his words carefully as he signed to her, not wanting to scare her off. Graydon knew that if he didn’t treat some subjects very carefully, he would cause her to scurry off before her drink even arrived. “Have you met me? I’m an inside kid. If I don’t have a hot bath once a week, I get grumpy.” Kit said with a flourish at the end of the statement dictating that she thought that ought to have been obvious. “I thought about how prissy you are and checked. There’s a nice showerhouse. High quality for being at a campground. Two toilets and two showers, and if you’re feeling extra prissy there’s a cabin for rent. I’m sure between our trust funds we could handle it.” Graydon offered with a mischievous wink. “For you, and only for you would I put myself through that, my friend. It better be fun. Especially if I am going to convince my mother and my brother to let me go.” Kit tossed back her shot and chased it with a sip of her beer. “There are better places to vacation, you know.” —--/////—-- They fought, and it was big. Airk cried, even if Kit didn’t and her heart broke not for the first time that this was their lives. She knew it was her fault, but she had also come to terms that there was nothing she could do about it. She had accepted that she couldn’t hear anything but the biggest and the loudest sounds, and she wished that she and her twin brother’s mom could as well. The conclusion, with the threat of her trust fund on the line, was that Airk would go with her ‘in case she needed an interpreter’ because how could she guarantee that she would have enough service to get a hold of one in case of an emergency? Sorsha was right, but Kit was completely capable of taking care of herself, actually. Maybe she couldn’t fight for herself, but that wasn’t her fault. It was because of Sorsha and they both knew it. This was too hard for him, too hard for Kit to put him through, until eventually…  Airk reluctantly agreed, tear streaks still on his cheeks, simply because Kit was too tired to fight anymore. 
You can’t go out in that weather

Not with no guarantees

Not without me

Not when it’s cold as ice

And your heart is warm and gentle

And I can’t risk it

----- CHAPTER BREAK -----

Kit ended up riding up with Airk, not having packed as much as they would have if they were tent camping, she had been willing to try it, but Airk had put a stop to that almost immediately. He wouldn’t be risking his delicate constitution sleeping on the cold hard ground. Kit had laughed at him, whatever that sounded like. He had rented them the cabin that night, not giving her the chance to argue with him about it. He thought it was utterly ridiculous for anyone to sleep in that ice-cold weather. “We could be at the beach, you know. I could be at the beach all day and all night with girls who would be looking at me and not you . There won’t be as many boys, and you know Graydon and I already tried that, and it didn’t work.” Airk had complained. She had told him they couldn’t wait to be in the car because at least there he wouldn’t be able to complain at her anymore.  They got there later than they meant to, and night had begun to fall. A band was already playing and Kit knew distantly that cars could be loud, she thought she might remember something of the sound beyond the pleasant car vibrations. She felt a little guilty about the interruption if it was loud. A fire burned partway down the hill, bright and probably warm. Kit could feel the distant vibrations at a low rumble in her chest. People down at the stage were wrapped up in blankets, puffer jackets, hats, and scarves. They wore only slightly less at the fireside where the heat could keep them warm in their camp chairs. Airk told her to go and find Graydon, this was her trip, and he’d unload the car. Kit knew he was tired from arguing with their mother even after Kit had gone to bed. She could sense the tension in the air even if Kit couldn’t hear the arguing.  This would be nice. Being away would be nice. Kit could see the fire and the joy written all over the mountainside, and the smiles on the faces of the band as they packed up their equipment and people started making their way to the fire. She saw a grinning man with long black hair and a beard, and Kit ran to him with a happy squeak she should have been able to suppress. He swept her up into his arms, spun her around, and set her down to say hi more properly. “Oh my God, you came!” Graydon signed at the same time that he spoke, even though he knew Kit could lipread, and it was one of her favorite things about him. That kind of consideration was rare in her world, restricted almost solely to her brother. “I wasn’t sure your mom would have let you or-” “I could only come if Airk came,” she said, using his sign name. “It’s not super fair, but it is how it is,” she waved the unfairness of it all away and let him sign and lead her to the fire, where he had set up chairs for them both. Across the fire was a girl with curly red hair and a guitar, and Kit immediately forgot Graydon had been talking to her. She was sitting on a yoga mat wearing fuzzy house socks tucked into a pair of Timbs. Graydon waved a hand in front of Kit to get her attention to return to him.  He pointed around the circle, stopped talking as he signed, and told her who everyone was. Hubert and Anne, the owners. Jade their goddaughter who helped run the place, was the hot boxing instructor Graydon had referred to, and a whole host of other people who Kit was so worried about getting to know. People looked at her and saw a normal young woman; Kit knew she wasn’t. Music started playing and Graydon’s hands fell as he listened. Kit looked at the faces, the stars, and the pretty girl playing the guitar. Jade. Someone that talented and gorgeous really shouldn’t be staying out in the night trapped in the cold in the woods like that. Graydon had brought Kit a whiskey because she had the best friend in the world, and as she admired the new world around her, and her brother joined her, Kit decided that she was willing to make these road trips once a week. When Kit started to shiver, Airk noticed immediately and draped his flannel over her shoulders, leaving him in just a t-shirt. She knew he was showing off a bit for Graydon, trying to get his attention, and she also knew her brother was stupid. Kit enjoyed the sights and the feelings of the air around her. The smell of the campground, the cold dirt, and the damp grass below her. She was pleasantly tipsy and sleepy and when the guitar was passed to Airk who was drunk enough to admit he played a little, Kit pressed her hand to the side to feel it buzz pleasantly. The next morning Airk woke up with a cold and decided to stay inside since she would have Graydon at her side. Being snotty and stuffed up was decidedly unsexy, he signed pathetically at her. Kit bundled up as much as she could, pulling on four different layers and a beanie snug over her ears. The stairs were iced over in front of the cabin and she picked her way carefully down them to keep from falling and saw that the grass was frosted over as well. It was sparkling, like diamonds strewn across the field. It looked like even the mud was frozen. She made her way to the canopied area with the heaters where burners had been set up with breakfast. Kit got a little excited and moved too quickly, her heel caught in the mud, and suddenly she was looking at the sky and something smelled nice, like the woods and flowers, not breakfast. Red curls made their way into Kit’s view of the sky. Kit felt herself being stood back up and met soft brown eyes. Pale pink lips were moving, but too quickly and not in a way she was used to. Kit realized she didn’t know or maybe didn’t remember that she was Deaf.  She caught a sheepish ‘winter’ and ‘accident’ but Jade… it was Jade, the pretty girl from the night before who had caught her. Kit broke immediately into a cold sweat. She held up her finger asking for a pause. She wasn’t sure that it wouldn’t come across as rude, but she could hope. She really hoped. Kit dug through her layers of clothes for the notebook and pen in her back pocket. She scribbled out a note with freezing fingers. “I’m sorry, I’m deaf and I couldn’t hear you. I’m Kit though, thanks for saving my life.” she wrote as quickly as she could. “Jade you’re very welcome.” the girl wrote back after a moment of Kit watching her face go “ OH!” in surprise and then “sorry”, then realized her mistake before taking the notebook and writing back to her. “I’m used to it, it’s no big deal.” Kit wrote back, her face vibrant red, and she started to walk away. She kept the notebook and tried her best to stay on her feet as she continued toward the canopy with the food beneath it. Kit served herself and then sat at one of the tables where it was cold but in the sunshine, so it was tolerably cold. Then, Kit wasn’t as cold anymore, and Jade was beside her with warmth radiating off of her. She had gotten her own notebook somewhere and Kit suppressed a smile, deep down, but that warmed her as well when Jade huddled with her. Jade found her again at lunch, and again at dinner. Kit’s cheeks burned after each session of trading notes until she wondered if they’d been sunburned, windburned, snow-burned, Jade burned, somehow and she couldn’t help falling for this bright smile, the loopy handwriting, and those eyes and those hands that wrote such wonderful messages. By the end of the night they had written both notebooks full and Graydon had carefully backed away from his best friend to give them space. They pressed side by side ‘for warmth’ at the fire under the carpet of safe darkness and Jade listened to music, and Kit felt the wonder and the majesty of the stars and the night that Graydon had fought to describe to her. Jade kept the fire burning as someone else took over the music for the remainder of the night, giving her sore fingers a rest as some others played music as well. As the night wore on, guests made their way to bed. Kit and Jade stayed, working on notebooks three and four, having started to write a bit smaller. Kit was willing to stay up and pass notes with Jade all night, ignoring her hands aching. They laughed, and Kit hoped her laugh wasn’t too obnoxious, they wrote their notes and Kit demonstrated some signs, appreciating the serious way that Jade studied her hands, huddled up on the yoga mat by the fire.  When Jade touched her knee, Kit thought she might explode. When she offered Kit to share her tent, because Kit felt guilty about waking her sick brother, Kit decided she was dreaming. They went through their nightly routines brushing shoulders in the shower house. Jade led her by the hand and Kit melted like putty beneath the blankets. When Jade very carefully spoke in the lantern light, a heater roared in the corner and the beautiful girl asked if it was alright to kiss her. They moved carefully around the air mattress, and Jade was gentle and warm.  Kit knew this wasn’t wise. That it wouldn’t go anywhere, but didn’t that make it better in a way? She could treasure the memory and nothing would ever be able to spoil it. Jade made sure everything was okay with Kit each step of the way, touched her with hesitant fingers, and seemed to delight in making Kit feel good. She seemed to take pride in it.  Kit delighted in exploring Jade, in watching her face as she reacted to everything Kit did while touching her or kissing her or any number of other things that Kit allowed her instincts to lead her to try. Everything was soft and warm and safe and Kit thought she might cry at the perfection of it all.  There was still a long winter night ahead of them. Kit tucked herself into Jade’s side as she watched the steady rise and fall of her bare chest and carefully tucked them both in. Jade’s jaw fell open in deep sleep and Kit thought.  She had learned something about herself though. Kit wanted to be with someone, someone like Jade. For now, she was happy and this was perfect. Later though, she would think on this more.  
I want it all

I want winter nights that turn into winter mornings

I want every ocean, lake, and river

I want skinny-dipping summers

Flowers in the spring

Leaves falling and crunching beneath our feet

I want it all with someone

And I want it all forever
 They woke up to a thin layer of snow freshly spread all over the ground, like a gift just to them, and Kit was impressed that it seemed there was zero judgment when she emerged from Jade’s tent. Somehow the other girl had managed to make it out without waking her up. Kit had dressed in her clothes from the night before, and blushingly made her way back into the cabin, her eyes searching Jade out as she moved across the frozen landscape, shivering until she pushed her way in. Airk was snoring, starfished out across the mattress. When Kit had changed into something clean and something warmer, she reemerged to see Jade perched on a stool on the stage, despite the cold and the early morning, sporting fingerless gloves for better guitar playing. Kit grabbed breakfast and took a seat directly in front of the speakers, enjoying the garbled sounds that made it into her ears and sounded distinctly as though they were underwater somehow. She smiled up at Jade and tried not to feel sad at the knowledge she would be going home in a couple of hours. A still sick-looking and completely wrapped up mummified Airk appeared beside Kit, his nose red and chapped, his eyes a bit fogged over. Maybe Kit could convince him to let her drive home, it was her favorite thing. His hands poked out from inside of the blankets.  “Did I see you sneaking back into the cabin in the small hours of the morning? Wearing the same thing as yesterday? Do you have a hickey? ” he asked and the sign was so obvious that Kit shrank back into her camp chair. Jade smiled broadly at them from the stage as she finished her set and Kit melted under her gaze once again. Kit looked back to her brother who was grinning at her.  “Stop trying to charm me, it’s not going to work.” —--/////—-- Kit’s eyes sparkled at her from where she was bundled up right in front of the speaker. Jade remembered that Kit said she was able to hear extremely loud sounds and was honored that this was why Kit had chosen where she sat. She hoped that Kit would enjoy the set anyhow. Jade… didn’t do things like this… like last night. She really couldn’t tell if Kit was the sweetest and nicest girl she had ever met or the naughtiest. Jade had never connected with someone like that before, so instantly. She packed up after her set, just seven or so acoustic songs that Hubert and Anne always wanted to hear, then absolutely ran to help the twins pack up their car to head home.  Before they left Jade asked for Kit’s number. She was usually more of a phone call person but… Kit was worth the switch, even just to be friends from afar. It would give her something to look forward to, a light in the dark at the end of the tunnel. 
Maybe on a different day we could have tried this

Maybe we could have done better and gone longer

There was a perfect one night

Do you want to try this?

A day, a week, a month later?

Years even?

And maybe I will be better by then

----- CHAPTER BREAK -----

Kit was lost in thought through the whole drive, as Airk snoozed through the drive home. She felt that this trip would be one she came to treasure. She hadn’t been able to bring herself to cut off the wristband that marked her as an attendee, though Airk had offered.

The weekend had been like an ice cream cone on the boardwalk on a weekend out with her father… something to remember forever. She remembered how the ice cream had melted down her hand, how Jade had…yeah. Kit smiled to herself. Both had been sweet. Both had been temporary.
 
Kit drove down the road, remembering all that had happened, trying to make sure she could picture every moment for as long as she lived. Her eyes were on alert at all times and her focus was on driving even while they wandered. This was half of why she loved driving, the way it could all happen at once… at least once driving was something she had gotten used to. Quickly, it had become her favorite activity. No one expected anything from her. Her hands were occupied. She could completely block everything out.
 
—--/////—--
 
Jade itched beneath her skin after she got home. She didn’t know what to text. Passing notes with Kit had been easy. It had been natural. Texting her felt like encroaching on an entirely new territory. As what felt like an (incredibly exciting) afterthought, Jade ordered American Sign Language flashcards and she dreamed of the potential that she could have going forward from there. This was a gift to herself and she didn’t want to put untoward expectations on it, but she was happy to present herself with the effort.
 
She got a text with Kit doing a twist out of a letter J movement in the manual alphabet, and the message beneath it asked if Jade thought it might suit her as a sign name. Jade was pretty sure she had never been more honored in her life. She mirrored the action to herself until it felt natural in her hands. 
 
When Ballantine dropped by her apartment to pick her up for their yearly winter hunting trip, Jade was and quiet as ever on the drive, without even any music playing. The silent drives had made a younger Jade antsy and anxious, now she appreciated the thoughtful quiet. 
 
Jade watched the trees go by, enjoyed the subtle scent of Ballantine’s cologne, and just sat with him. She didn’t get enough of that anymore, with work at the gym taking up all of her time as she figured out what she wanted to go to school for. Jade had enjoyed her flashcards so much that she had dipped into some research and developed a passion for it. She wondered what her father would think of that. The truck climbed up the path to the North trail of Blood Mountain.
 
“Ballantine, I think I’m going to become an ASL interpreter. I have a friend with severe hearing loss and… I think this is something I could be really good at actually.” Jade offered, breaking the silence as they parked and pulled on their high-visibility vests. 
 
“She must be some kind of a friend, then.” was Ballantine’s response and his eyes glittered at Jade knowingly. She blushed at his knowing of her. “It’s good to know you have something of a plan started. Reassuring.” 
 
His smile at her was small and sad. Resigned. Jade was scared to know why, looking him over as she checked the safety of the rifle and slid the strap over her shoulder carefully. His hands had changed in the last 6 months, going from veiny and strong to veiny and thin-skinned. She knew the time had passed. She knew Ballantine hadn’t been a young man when he had adopted her. She knew, had known for a while, what that would mean. Jade had felt that it was coming. She had resigned herself as well.
 
“You’re about to tell me that it’s time aren’t you?” she asked, grabbing his hat from the back seat and stepping forward to fit it over his head and his ears. She nestled it over and smiled affectionately back at him, the blush on her cheeks fading.
 
“End-stage liver failure. I could have weeks. I could have months. Maybe even a year. We’ll talk about it more, but it will be long and slow and ugly and I am sorry to have done this to you.” it was a simple statement but Jade felt it crack through her like lightning, a sharp and quick pain. It would haunt her, and it might crack through her again, but she knew she would only have to have learned this one time. The first time. 
 
Jade’s mind went to work problem-solving as they quietly made their way to the old and dilapidated deer stand they had been using since Ballantine had proclaimed Jade old enough to carry the gun. It was a long and slow, unsure and somewhat awkward conversation… as most of theirs were. Jade didn’t cry, but she knew it was only a matter of time. She couldn’t in front of Ballantine, not when he needed her to be strong.
 
—--/////—--
 
Kit loved hiking. She put on headphones so she could feel the beat, down through her bones, even if she didn’t understand the words. The Southern trails, far from the dangerous hunting grounds, were her favorite. Kit was alone, and there was no cell signal, and no one could reach her to bother her. This was the one thing Kit was trusted to do alone.
 
For the first time though, she had gotten so lost in thought wondering if she had missed a text from Jade responding to the sign name or whether she was on the hunting trip she had mentioned going on with her dad or… any number of things. Kit thought about Jade a

lot.

Kit thought about her so much she no longer knew where she was. The path she had turned onto might have been a deer path and not the one she was used to and she was left stumbling through ice-frosted woods, basking in the sunshine whenever she got the chance.
 
Kit was freaking out just a little, not knowing what to do or where she was, but she had enough experience to know that she was near the stream that ran down the mountain and she could follow it downhill to where the Ranger Station was. She rushed to where she was pretty certain the stream was and saw a girl with a leather strap around her neck. Kit almost vocalized her relief. She held it back, not wanting to startle, scare, or annoy… the things Kit had heard most from her mother when it came to the reflex. Kit pulled the field journal out of her back pocket, rife with her woodsy discoveries between the pages. Hesitantly, she approached.
 
Kit saw the startle run through the shockingly pretty girl and smiled apologetically. She handed her the notebook.

Hey, I’m Kit. I’m deaf so I had to write you this note, sorry. I got a little lost and was wondering if you could point me toward the path back. Thanks, I’d be grateful.

The note read.

My name is Lili. I was just finishing up here. Follow me!

She responded in kind, handwriting big and loopy, making Kit grin. She read it, then saw the handout in a request for the notepad back.

I’m a photographer! What were

you

doing out here alone? Why are you wearing headphones if you’re deaf? Can I take your picture?

Kit was handed an onslaught of questions, accompanied by a bright smile. She felt a bit weak in the knees at the look being directed her way. Kit took the notebook back and started writing her responses as Lili took the lead.

I was out here hiking, normally I don’t run into any issues, but I got lost in thought and wandered off my trail.

I can feel the vibrations of the music through the headphones and I enjoy it.

Yes, if you want to! Just don’t forget to tag me! @kittanthamost

Lili smiled even harder at the answers, now having guided Kit up to the trail, having wandered much further to the north than Kit had thought they did. Now more confident, Kit took the lead, feeling the tickle at the back of her neck that meant eyes were on her. She was being looked at by the pretty girl who had led her to the path. Kit didn’t mind this at all. She rather enjoyed the idea of Lili looking at her.

I haven’t gotten lunch yet, how would you like a thank you meal? I thought about adding a ‘check yes or no’ boxes section but thought that might be a little too cheesy for middle-schoolers.

Kit knew better than to think that her blush would go unnoticed when she turned to hand the notepad to the other girl. Lili grinned and Kit would have taken

that

as a yes but Lili took the notebook back, and bent her head over the pad. When it was passed back to her, Kit saw a scribbled checked box with a yes beside it. A sense of humor made this girl even

hotter.

Kit knew she was doomed then and there. She smiled at Lili so hard that it ached and she almost tripped over a root. Lili took a few graceful steps towards her and took her hand. “Just in case.” she said aloud and enunciated well so Kit could read her lips. Kit just knew her face was burning again, but that was fine. Jade was put out of her mind for the first time since camp.
 
—--/////—--

They made their way down the hill with infrequent stops for Kit to pick up a leaf or a flower and slide it into the pages, treasures to go with the notes passed between her and this new woodland savior, or for Lili to take photos of plants or even Kit herself. Kit loved pressing things in her notebook, the way they stained the pages over the writing, coloring the words beautifully.  She wondered about Lili’s photos and if they were like that for her.
 
Kit texted Lili the address of the nearby diner she knew when they had finished the hike down the mountain and the signal became available again. She shifted her weight in the driver’s seat in a mix of excitement and anxiety. People could be into her, whether Deaf or not. Kit had to grin to herself. Now it was just down to her to not fuck it up. 
 
Lili was just as charming while not saving Kit’s ass. The pictures she had taken were beautiful, though Kit blushed at the photo of herself lit from behind, her head tilted up showing off shadows in her jawline and throat as she seemed to be looking up in the sky at something. She was lit in shades of green and gold from the natural forest filter. It was a beautiful picture. Kit had never seen herself that way before. Kit scribbled on the notebook that the picture felt like Christmas.

Christmas is my favorite season. As much as I’m glad to have moved away from home, spending the holidays on my own is kind of the worst. -L

My family goes way too hard for the holidays, and with my hearing… it all kind of sucks.-K

I’m sorry. I guess it can suck for both of us from afar. - L

Or it could suck together. My family’s party will have more than enough space for an extra guest. You should come. It’s on Christmas Eve so you can still go along with whatever plans you had. :) -K

I wouldn’t want to intrude on your family time, but that’s a very sweet offer. - L

It wouldn’t be an intrusion. You’re more than welcome. It’s mostly business people anyway. - K

then we’ll see. So long as I don’t get a better offer - L

Lili attempted to doodle a winky face, but it didn’t work and mostly left a smear behind. Kit had to laugh at that and saw Lili suppress a nose wrinkle. Right. Her laugh was obnoxious. She’d forgotten.
 
The meal went back to normal and Kit did her best to stay more aware of her throat and mouth and any sounds that might escape her. Kit did her best to be funny and sweet and to be as normal as possible. She suspected she was doing quite well with the way Lili started to find excuses to touch her arms, her jaw, and her shoulders. They parted with promises to meet up soon, that Christmas party was just too far away.

Teach me to flirt. ASAP.

Kit texted her brother.

You did pretty well at gay music camp I thought.

He replied instantly.

Jade did the heavy lifting. Now help me. You’re my family. You’re legally required to.

TO HELP YOU GET LAID???? I THINK

NOT.

----- CHAPTER BREAK -----

Airk did not teach Kit how to flirt. He adamantly refused each and every time she asked. He even went so far as to look disgusted by the request. She surprised herself with how well she felt like she was doing at it on her own. 
 
“This year is going to be different, I promise.” he had sworn to her, his signing turning vehement and his face drawn into serious lines. “You’re communicating on your own with new people! You’re standing up for yourself with Mom. This is our year, I know it. I can’t believe we might both have steady girlfriends soon. God, it’s like we’re adults or something”
 
Jade had finally texted her back, including a picture of the freshly delivered ASL basics flashcards and Kit smiled so hard that it hurt a little, pulling at her cheeks. She had never had someone care so much about getting to know her that they had learned to sign before. Kit could have cried. She was so glad they had decided to be friends, though Jade had also texted that she would not be online as often once she started classes. Kit didn’t ask what the classes were for, didn’t understand what she could or couldn’t ask of the girl she had only known for less than 72 hours, but felt so connected to. She didn’t understand why she was so invested in her when she had… was working on having, Lili.
 
Jade didn’t talk about personal stuff, so neither did Kit… even though she was talking to Jade pretty much all day. The texts she got from the two new women in her life were her favorite parts of her world at the moment. They kept her from going crazy, from losing her shit on her mom. 
 
Kit wanted Jade. She wanted Lili. She was… infinitely confused, talking herself into circles. The cycle didn’t stop. She hoped getting to know Lili better, going on that date they had planned, would help her to transition from

into

Jade to being friends with her. Kit hoped. 
 
She had put a lot of thought into planning their date. Airk said she was being extra, but Kit felt so lucky to be taking a girl out on a date. Her chest ached with excitement and anxiety as she finalized the plans, then sent an overly wordy text to Lili telling her where she ‘thought they ought to meat’.

*meet - L

That sounds great! Looking forward to it, what’s the dress code? I have to look good but not like I’m trying too hard. - L

Kit gritted her teeth at her stupidity and just couldn’t understand why those two words were the same but meant different things. She remembered wondering the same thing when she was younger when she could hear, why so many words were the same but meant different things, and wanted to pull her hair out.
 
Airk’s hand waved in her peripheral vision and he pointed Kit’s attention to the whiteboard mounted on the kitchen wall, Sorsha standing impatiently beside it, waiting for Kit to notice. In her elegant scrawl, the whiteboard read:

What are you laughing at on your phone? We only have a couple of weeks before you go back to school. Shouldn’t you be spending time with your family?

“I have a date.” Kit signed back, “I was talking to the girl I’m going on the date with.”
 
Sorsha didn’t like that. “Just get up and write back. It worked fine for a decade and a half. I don’t understand why you insist on being like this.” she wrote once Airk had interpreted what Kit had said.
 
Kit got up and wrote back. “Because this is ridiculous. It’s more work. I don’t want to do it.” Kit stomped away, furious. Airk had been a late teen when he decided that he wanted to learn sign language. He had gone to night classes at the School for the Deaf Kit and had asked Sorsha if she would like to go with him, but she was ‘too busy’. Kit was pretty certain that she had the best brother in the world. She was also pretty sure that he ought to be punched in the face daily, but Graydon had told her that was how all siblings were, a sad little smile on his face.
 
Kit could feel that Sorsha was probably yelling after her, the routine rote by this point, and she hoped her brother would escape having to hear everything their mother said with his perfect

perfect

ears. To cheer herself up, Kit sat at her laptop and started planning a second date, just in case she could get one. This way, she could maybe impress Lili, she could be sure her own needs would be accommodated, and she could have everything paid for before Lili even tried. She grinned at her cleverness.
 
—--/////—--
 
Kit waited beside the horses, shifting her weight between her feet and picking at her nails as she did her best to be patient. Lili was pushing ten minutes late and Kit was starting to get worried that she had been stood up. Kit was hurt but not surprised. She checked her phone again. There was no cancellation text and Kit had spelled the address correctly and their last exchange had been one of excitement. She bit her lip and patted the horse’s neck.
 
Kit was proven wrong when a clearly windswept and sheepishly smiling Lili came into view. She pulled out her phone and sent Kit a text.

I’m so sorry, my last class went over and then this guy kept trying to get my notes from me because he fell asleep in class. I barely had enough time to shower and change, then my cabbie was maybe the oldest person to have ever lived. I’m so sorry, I hope you weren’t waiting here too long. - L

I was getting a little nervous, but it’s alright. It’s really nice to see you. - K

Kit replied, unsure of what she ought to do; hug Lili, go for the kiss, or continue to just stand there awkwardly the way she was now. She went with the silliest option she could come up with, sweeping an arm out into a low bow before offering Lili a hand up into the carriage. Lili blushed and accepted, bundling up into the blankets that had been provided on the bench seat. There was a laugh from Lii and Kit hoped it was a good one.
 
Kit climbed up after her and took a seat at what she thought was a close enough but still respectful distance. Her knee bounced with excitement until Lili’s hand fell upon it, holding it still, foot forced flat on the floor of the carriage. Kit’s lips twisted, she liked the way it vibrated up her bones into the rest of her body, but she could understand why Lili might find it aggravating. Kit turned to look at her questioningly. The hand that had been holding her knee still turned to face upward, fingers outstretched in invitation.  Her gloves were fingerless, as most of her sets were for more easy signing ability. Kit slid her hand into Lili’s. 
 
The sleigh ride was pleasant enough, Lili taking pictures on her phone, which was passed between the two of them as a means of communication. Kit grinned for a photo, enjoyed the brush of Lili’s hand through her hair to knock a few gathering flakes of snow away, and smiled into their first kiss as they passed under the arches of holiday lights spread out along the path.
 
It was a good first kiss, almost perfect with its flurry of imperfections and Kit dedicated herself to remembering it always, to not making comparisons. Kit’s plan worked beautifully, their ride ending just before it got intolerably cold outside and they absconded, after Kit tipped the driver heartily, to a nearby cafe to get something warm into their stomachs.
 
Afterward, Kit wasn’t super sure how one went about ending a date that had gone on for so long. They hadn’t agreed on an exact timeline or anything, so Kit was tired and ready to go home long before Lili, who kept looking at her with expectation written all over her face. She offered to walk Lili home. Kit pulled her field journal out of her pocket and held it in as they reached what Lili gesticulated to as being her home. Lili walked up the steps and turned so her back was against the door, one hand playing with the button on Kit’s jacket, her face was coy, as though she didn’t know what she was doing, exactly what her face was suggesting.
 
Kit kissed her again, a little hotter, a little heavier, exactly as suggestive. Kit was sure how to do this part. Lili said something, but it was dark and Kit couldn’t read her lips. She furrowed her brow and offered the small, worn, leatherbound journal. Lili waved it away, and Kit resigned to never knowing what was said. Kit took the book back to write in herself, bracing it against the door over Lili’s shoulder, meaning she now leaned heavily, closely over her. Lili’s warm, soft lips met the skin of Kit’s neck. Kit shuddered viscerally at the touch. She was too soft, too light a torturous tickle as Kit wrote only a few words.

When can I see you again? - K

Name a day and a time. - L

—--//////—--
 
Kit thought social media was stupid. She had an Instagram account composed of wordless photos she had posted of trees, mushrooms, and leaves she had found on her walks, some having clearly ruined her writings in the notebook. There were four followers; Graydon, Airk, Sorsha, and Jade Claymore - the girl from camp. Kit had spent more time than she was willing to admit staring at the almost completely blank page of her new friend’s account. 
 
The lights in Kit’s bedroom flickered, announcing Airk’s presence in her doorway. She clicked away from the Goodreads page she had been on, trying to catch the multitudinous spelling errors she knew would be in her review of the Sapphic novella she had read recently.
 
“The girl you’re seeing. Her name is L-I-L-I, right?” he asked, fingerspelling her name out for his sister. At Kit’s acceptance, he stepped into the room, his cell phone out, and opened up to something in the palm of his hand. Kit’s heart caught in her chest. Something was wrong. She knew Airk’s face and hands inside and out. Knew how they looked and worked in concert to communicate with her, how everything translated into emotion. Kit’s apprehension grew.
 
Airk knelt beside Kit's gaming chair and showed her a series of pictures. The first was of the POV Kit had shared with Lili of the horses’ manes in front of them, there was another of the naked industrial pendant lights in low sepia tones- the lighting adjusted so that the center of the Edison bulbs was stark against the brick of the coffee shop background, the third was of the back of Kit as she had walked away, unrecognizable unless you knew her already. They were all beautiful pieces of artwork. What Airk was pointing Kit toward was the caption. #deafpeoplecandoeverythinghearingpeoplecandoexcepthear #orspelllolz #sogladtobegettingtoknowmyfavoritedeafperson 
 
“Well, I am.” Kit shoved her hurt down because obviously, Lili didn't know that this was slightly infantilizing and annoying. She could maybe find a cue to slide that into the conversation somewhere, kindly, gently. “I am the coolest Deaf person she knows. I am the only one.” she took her annoyance out on her brother, shoving him out of the room so she could find Lili’s Instagram account and look through it for herself. 
 
Lili didn’t know. She couldn’t. Kit sighed and tried to find that patient center she’d learned and cultivated until she had completely reasoned the terrible feelings away until she had returned to understanding. Kit scrolled down to the comments.

-omg that’s so inspiring

-if she can do things like that, so can everyone… where’s my cute deaf date

-🤟 oh i bet she’s so hot and attentive, having to make up for the deficit in ‘other ways’

Who knew Lili had fans…
 
—--/////—--
 
Jade’s alarm went off at 4 a.m. and she dragged her father down the stairs after an hour of hurried furious work. “Alright, you can turn around now.”  she announced, half supporting his body weight before lowering him into the chair at the dining room table which she had worked her off setting for breakfast.
 
Guilt might have driven her to go a little bit overboard. He had insisted that he had enough friends around to handle being home alone on the weekdays until she came home whenever she had the opportunity. He didn’t want to keep her from living her life.
 
The table was piled high with cut-up fresh fruits, scrambled eggs, sausage, and bacon; all cooked to order. She had done her very best and been rather proud of the result when she had gone to wake her father up. Jade took a picture of the stacked table and sent it to Kit, whom she had learned loved good food maybe more than anyone else in the whole world. She had not, however, been able to make herself tell Kit that she had learned her father was dying, that he had decided to let nature take its course. She couldn’t tell Kit that her father was going to have a long and ugly death and that she was going to watch it happen because that would mean it was real. Jade was barely coping with it as is.
 
Any moment that she was at home, she tried to spend with her father; trying to commit his face, his voice, and all of his stories to memory before she ran out of time. At the bottom of the bag Jade intended to bring to her school dorm was a vacuum-sealed Ballantine-Classic flannel. It was more comfortable than it had any right to be, but she intended to keep the scent safe most importantly. She was thinking ahead in a way that ached, but she knew she would appreciate having done it for herself later.
 
“It’s time to let it go, love.” he told her after they’d finished eating. “I’ve made my decision and I don’t want you to feel bad about it, or about going to school like you should. I am excited for you and for your future. It’s going to be great and I am so glad to have had any kind of hand in creating it.”
 
Jade felt a tear escaped. She kind of wished her father was more of a hugger as he picked up her suitcase, a little more shakily than he used to be able to, and packed it into the trunk of her car with the others. 
 
“I’ll be back for Christmas break. Early if I can manage it.” she promised. “I’m going to think of you every day, I’ll call and I’ll text, even if you don’t feel like answering, just so you’ll know.” 
 
He had convinced her into the driver’s seat and her heart felt like it was being torn in half, thin and fragile like a piece of paper. He nodded, ever a man of few words, leaned through the window, and kissed her forehead. 
 
“Never has there been a prouder father.” he told her, and his eyes were the gentlest she had seen them since she was a child.
 
—--/////—--
 
Jade unpacked in her room to the sound of her own sniffles, piling textbooks onto her desk, and organizing the most important of areas, first. Next came her bed, followed by the essentials out of her backpack which were repacked immediately in preparation for the next day of classes. It was a restless night of sleep, getting used to a new bed in a new place.
 
The next morning it was a little reassuring to have already gotten everything set out and ready, her map of the campus on top of the computer on her desk, completely charged to be slid in the computer pocket and head out of the door. Jade started out the door, found the correct building,  and sat in the first row of seats, more than ready for the first day of classes. The class required focus, and focusing meant that all of the things that had been haunting her mind as of late were shoved to the very back. She was a little bit freer, a little bit lighter than she had felt in a long time.
 
Classes were… going to be a lot, Jade could tell just from her syllabus, and there was something of a hike between them all too. She had to cross ‘the quad’ at least three times on her Monday and Wednesday classes. Still, she was excited to put the work in, to learn, and to be able to help people. She wanted to help people like Kit, to prevent children’s lives from having been like Kit's. 
 
Jade picked up a wrapped sandwich and sat under the tree for lunch. There wasn’t any homework yet, so she just sat back and people-watched for her first day, planning to start tucking into the first chapters of each text book and taking notes along the way.  She watched all the people go by and felt her chest ache at being surrounded by people but being completely alone.
 
Her eyes caught and were stuck on someone she could have sworn she recognized, and she felt her heart jump up into her throat. “Ki- “ started to form in her mouth before she realized just how truly unlikely it was that this was Kit. She saw short dark hair on this person she saw from only slightly less than a football field away. Jade just… she really, she just had a feeling. She stared at her phone. Should she text? Ask? Were they in that place, yet?

----- CHAPTER BREAK -----

Their seventh date was a ‘meet the friends’ occasion and Kit hadn’t been able to understand a single word, hadn’t been able to get a word in edgewise. By the end of the dinner, she felt like she had watched a tennis match. Her knee had bounced consistently throughout the whole meal and Lili had sneered at the annoyance more than once.
 
On their own they would be better, she could communicate more easily and she could even get Lili to understand. She didn’t want to lose this… whatever this was they had started to build. They just needed the chance to sit down and

be,

then they could get back to where they had been. She had let Lili take her home.
 
It was good. They were good. Everything would be alright.

Kit pressed the kiss into Lili’s lips as though that would make it all true, this was always when they were at their best. Without needing to communicate at all, Kit could become Lili’s favorite person in the world again, could show her

why

Lili liked her so much, could put her best talents to use… the talents they had been working on perfecting together. Kit had been…

new

to this when they started, but she had picked it up quickly. It had become something of a game to her, learning to get Lili interested and then work her up. Kit had fun with it for sure, though she wasn’t… she didn’t… sex was a rather one-sided event.
 
Kit trailed her lips down Lili’s neck, hummed into the soft skin beneath her mouth, and shivered at the vicious grip Lili had on her elbows, clenching Kit’s skin painfully every time she became a little more excited, each time Kit possessed her senses. Kit’s hands slid up beneath her shirt, exploring the skin she had come to know, trying to remember what she had done to herself, what Lili liked, what had been done to Kit that she liked, and how to best make that work for Lili, trying to read her body to know what felt good and what wasn’t doing it for her. 
 
Lili pressed Kit’s shoulders down, acrylic nails digging into the tender skin there and making Kit hiss. She found a finger pressed to her lips and she shoved down the urge to bite it in response.  Now she was in Lili’s favorite place to have her, Lili’s back against a solid surface and Kit at her feet, on her knees in supplication, willing to take whatever Lili would let her have. There had been the refrigerator, the walls, the door, the shower… and Lili had delighted in being carried to the bed after, never getting enough of Kit’s tongue and fingers and the goal of getting a strap. That idea made Lili melt and Kit liked the idea of being able to feel something as well, to get something out of the exchange instead of ‘headaches’ or being ‘too tired’.
 
Kit slid her hands up and down Lili’s legs beneath the long dress, tucked her head beneath the material, and set to work with fingers, lips, and tongue. Kit loved how their bodies worked together, speech and hearing were seemingly no longer required for communication. Kit knew what the clench of her thighs, the grip of her walls around Kit’s fingers, and the feeling of the shudders that traveled through Lili’s whole body meant, she could read them like a book. Kit could play Lili like a violin, wind her up and spin her out then watch her fall to pieces. If she were lucky, Lili would tuck herself around Kit’s body at night, hold her too tightly, and pin her in place with too little heat beneath not enough covers. Kit would wonder at the way other people could share beds when this felt like suffocation. 
 
—--//////—--
 
Lili insisted on driving… saying that it made her nervous for Kit to do so.
 
Sorsha had given them the tickets as a gift after meeting Lili for the first time, a trip to a small Bed and Breakfast that looked like it had been ripped directly from the Hallmark channel. Kit had appreciated it, lately, it had felt like she and Lili were growing apart. She had kind of hoped the other girl might eventually be receptive to learning at least a few signs to aid their communication, but Lili had laughed at the suggestion. Kit had cried when she’d gotten home, then she had let it go because that was what you were supposed to do when you cared about someone right? Follow them wherever they go, accept them for their faults, and love them for their strengths.
 
The room was flannel, cotton, and raw wood. Kit loved it, the vibe was kitschy and homey. Lili turned her nose up at it like it was supposed to have been something besides what they had seen on the pamphlet. All she’d wanted was the chance to talk to Lili, but there was no chance of that happening with her in this kind of a mood now. She had gone out to take a walk and figure out what restaurants and hiking trails would be available for their entertainment that night.
 
Kit sat on the foreign bed and read their conversations back, trying to figure out where she had gone wrong. It had been a great first three months of dating and then… Kit stopped being able to tolerate the comments. She asked her brother his thoughts and, having thought that Kit would have spoken to Lili after that first Instagram post. He had been wrong. Kit had been shoving those complaints down for months until she finally snapped, grief piercing straight into her bones.

Hey, did I see you the other day on the TAU campus? If you’re ever around again, maybe we could find a time to get lunch? - J

Kit smiled for the first time since they had come to this Bed and Breakfast to ‘reconnect’. She felt herself make a sound of excitement… or at least it felt like excitement to her, and she winced.

I live prety close to campus actually. I can be avail pretty much whenever. I’m only in classes 3 days a week, splitting time with the School of the Deaf as well. - K

I heard you from down the hall is everything alright? - L

The note read what Lili had written, but Kit felt “you were really loud, and you shouldn’t be loud unless you were in distress or something.”  Kit felt her cheeks burn remembering the last time they’d slept together and Kit had touched herself and she had… and Lili had… she squeezed her eyes shut so tightly that it hurt at the memory alone.

I’m fine! It was just Airk. He and Graydon were talking about taking me out for lunch when we got home. Did you find anything fun to do? - K

How do you feel about a hot spring? -L

Exellent.- K

*Excellent - L

Kit wanted to get out of this room, she didn’t want to be touched or to be seen. Her heart hurt and seeing Jade really showed a potential for fun that Kit felt like she hadn’t experienced in a while. Even flipping through the notes she had passed back and forth with Lili over the course of their relationship, she hadn’t seen a poem anywhere in the last two. Lili was one of the most beautiful people Kit had ever met, wasn’t she poetry-worthy? Where had all of the words gone?

Cocoa and ice skating… does 6pm friday work? It’ll be nice to see you again before the summer festival. - J

Kit swallowed the excited chirp before it could escape her, and agreed immediately. Camp felt like it had been a lifetime ago. She had been so happy and felt so inspired. Maybe hanging out with Jade would remind her of what it had been like then. There was only one more major fight before they went back home and Lili acted like it had all been perfect. Kit guessed maybe she was just being dramatic. At least she had something to look forward to. 
 
—--/////—--
 
Jade was at a bar with Scorpia, her all-time favorite person in the world. Her older half-sister understood the darker parts of her heart, the way she handled things, more than even Ballantine did. He was the stoic parts of her, the quiet ones. Scorpia was the dancing in the rain and shouting just because they could parts. The conversation had gone quiet when Jade felt her phone vibrate in her pocket.

@kittanthamost has posted for the first time in a while

read the Instagram notification. Jade was clicking on it before she could stop herself. Kit didn’t…look happy. There was a drop-dead gorgeous girl wrapped around her and smiling brightly, possessively. Kit was smiling too, but not in a real way, it didn’t reach her eyes in the way that Jade had seen before in person, in selfies, or in the odd video call since Zoom had added the caption feature.
 
“You can literally sign, Jade. You could just sign with her.” Scorpia had said about it with a laugh in her voice.
 
“I’m not fluent yet, Graydon has to correct or tell me things all of the time.” Jade said even though it had probably been at least a month since one of those things had occurred. 
 
“You said you asked her out to catch up. Won’t you be signing with her then?” the older girl asked, cocking an eyebrow at her sister.
 
“I’ll have another week of practice before then and I didn’t ask her out. We’re

just

catching up.” Jade corrected immediately, not wanting to deal with Scorpia’s teasing

or

her judgment depending on which way that particular pendulum happened to be swinging this week. “She has a girlfriend.”
 
“I know, you were staring daggers at their picture together. If you had laser vision you would have had to go buy a new phone.” Scorpia’s voice lilted and her lips turned up into a small smile. 
 
“She just doesn’t look

happy

.” Jade groaned and massaged her eyes, It had been a bad night for Ballantine the night before, requiring more medication to get him to sleep than it had been taking. She was exhausted and he wasn’t eating as much and she was smart enough to know what that

meant.

She wasn’t necessarily at her best and she knew she was whining, but she couldn’t bring herself to stop.
 
“You know, that doesn’t sound super ‘friendly’ of you.” Scorpia pointed out, paying their bill and bringing Jade home to homebody hibernate some more. The cold drinks had done Jade a world of good but also immediately made her doubly tired. “Maybe something will change for you in the week. Maybe something could change for her as well. You never know. Oh, you’ve earned this, kid. Just let yourself have fun for once and if it leads somewhere, then great. If it doesn’t? At least you can say you tried.”

—--/////—--

Jade’s presence was just as magnetic as Kit remembered. As soon as she entered the room, Kit couldn’t pull her gaze away. Kit waved at her to get her attention and blushed at the way Jade’s smile immediately lit up. Fireworks. Again. Immediately. Kit frowned to herself before putting her happy face on. This wasn’t cheating this was a catch-up, just a catch-up… even if they

had

slept together before, even if Lili

didn’t

know about that… that didn’t mean this was cheating. She was trying to make a new friend. Someone she could sign with besides Graydon and Airk and their group and feel comfortable. 
 
Jade waved back and Kit was comfortable all over again. Everything was completely normal, safe, and good, just as Kit remembered it having been the last time. Jade had learned even more quickly than Airk had, Kit realized as Jade told her about classes, everything she had learned. The other girl signed quickly and efficiently, the moves flashing through her fingers and up and her arms with the practiced ease that Kit usually associated with teachers. She hadn’t expected this level of skill when Jade said she had been ‘taking a class’. It had been

classes. Good ones.

“Here I’ve got cocoa.” Jade signed, a little clunkily with only one hand, but there weren’t any mistakes and Kit was

impressed.

“Should we take it out on the ice?”
 
“That sounds great.” Kit agreed, she smiled and thought that she wished Jade had someone to appreciate those skilled hands.

----- CHAPTER BREAK -----

Kit decided she needed some time alone to think. She was approaching the end of her year of student teaching and she needed to turn in several lesson plans she had yet to make. They would take a bit of crafting, but Kit already knew exactly what she needed to make. Sorsha and Airk were busy for the rest of the week and would hardly be home, so she could play music as loudly as she liked and be as ridiculous as she wanted without having to worry about judgment or being annoying.

When she got hungry later that night, Kit pulled out the grill, charcoal, and a lighter and cooked herself two hotdogs and two hamburgers before bed. She was exceedingly careful packing everything away just exactly as she remembered how Madmartigan used to when she was a child. There was something about cooking outdoors, about the music vibrating through her chest even out in the yard, that Kit was in love with. A family barbecue when she was a child, her father at the grill, and playing with her brother were the last memories that Kit Tanthalos had of being able to hear.

Cooking. Being outdoors. The music surrounded her and became a part of her. Those memories had dug down and buried themselves in her soul now. She had one burn on her wrist, but she was okay. Her father might have left, but she still had this.

Where are you?- L

I haven’t heard from you in ages. - L

Are you ghosting me? -L

You better have not turned that light off, Kit, or I swear to God I’m coming over there. -L

Litterly, L. You can swear to non-exsitant god all you want. It won’t make me anyless bussy. -K

Kit sat down and started writing a letter. She saw the spelling mistakes. She knew there were more she couldn’t see. She knew there was probably a correction sitting and waiting for her on her phone right then as she spoke. She corrected the ones she could see in red ink, just like she remembered in public school, and set to re-writing. That she felt like she had to do all of that… only made her angrier. She stared at the piece of paper as though it had offended her. This repeated until she had run out of paper.

—--/////—--

Kit never handed Lili that letter. She had cut back on a lot of texting with Jade as she tried to put her feelings back into some kind of order. That didn’t seem to have fixed whatever rift had formed between her and Lili. Kit didn’t know what to do anymore. She didn’t see how to fix this.

Instead, Lili was inside the house with her mother and brother. They were decorating so happily together. Six perfect ears without hers in the way. She sighed, not wanting to go back in, bundled into a big puffer jacket to shield herself from the cold. The day before had been nice, at least. Kit had met up with (an exhausted and sad-looking) Jade at a coffee shop, then caught herself laughing at how very British Jade was about her tea. Those jokes at least had gotten a smile out of her. Kit didn't know what was wrong, but she liked that smile. The “pumpkin monstrosity” Kit had ordered had doubly horrified Jade, almost pulling a laugh from Kit.

She hadn't laughed. She wanted to go as long as she could without having to see the look on Jade’s face that she had on Sorsha's, Lili’s, and so many other strangers’ faces.

Jade had seemed almost disappointed at not getting a laugh out of Kit, but she didn't know how to change the sound to give Jade what she wanted.

After coffee had been a movie on the couch with Lili, subtitles on so Kit could understand too. Lili didn't even complain about those anymore. Kit had dropped her head into Lili’s lap and let her play with the strands of hair that fell into Kit's face the way she liked. Half the time, that made Kit so sleepy she could hardly stand herself. The rest she felt annoyedly as though she were being groomed like a cat. Jade had called, but Lili immediately proclaimed “no phones” with exaggerated enunciation and placed it off to the side with her own… though Kit was pretty certain it had only been about 20 minutes since Lili had been scrolling Twitter. That was fine. She could call Jade back later. Maybe her new best friend would have an idea for how to convince Lili that signing wouldn't be too hard to learn, and could even be fun.

Kit didn't have time to watch the video message until she remembered it while standing outside on the porch watching her family and her girlfriend looking picture-perfect together.

For the first time, Jade’s face wasn't in the frame as she filmed her hands and Kit got the feeling it was because she had been crying. Her hands weren't as steady and sure as Kit wasn't used to them being.

“Sorry to leave a message like this, but I thought you should know in case it's hard to reach me for a while. My father passed. He's been sick for a while, so it's not a shock or a surprise or anything. I just thought you should know, so you won't be worried when I'm offline. Alright, later… bye,” Jade said, and Kit felt like she saw the tension in the usually very smooth lines of Jade’s body like she was trying to hold herself back from something. Kit ached on her behalf for her.

Kit didn’t know why… but she left. She turned around, walked down the street, and caught the first cab that she saw. Kit didn’t even know where she was going, only that she wanted to find Jade, to help her, to make her feel better somehow. She had lost her father… differently, but she

had

lost him. If she had anything she could offer, she wanted to. It wasn’t until she had gotten into the car and needed to write a note on her phone to tell the cabbie where to go that she thought to text Jade and ask where she was. The local park really should have been Kit’s first thought.

She hunted all over the park until she found Jade down by the river, sitting on the cold hard ground, and staring at the freezing water rush by. Kit took a seat beside her and pressed their shoulders together the way they had at camp. She hoped it would offer some comfort.

“I’m sorry,” Kit said, and she hoped Jade understood she meant it for having not watched the video, for having not come to find her earlier, for everything that had happened to Jade that Kit hadn’t been paying enough attention to. “Do you want to go somewhere? To warm up?” Kit offered, holding her hands up and out of her signing space so Jade could see them in the moonlight.

Jade shook her head “Can we just stay here like this for a little while?” she asked and Kit opened up one arm to pull her further in, thought better of it, and yanked the pages of her last fight with Lili out of her notebook… an act she would usually consider illegal notebook abuse. Kit used deft movements from years of boredom and practice to turn the pages into a small boat. She handed it to Jade with a small, sad smile. Kit ripped more pages out and continued to fold until her hands shook with cold and she couldn’t anymore.

Jade was the one to stop Kit, to catch Kit’s hands and fold them up in her own. “What do you want to do?” Kit asked, and Jade looked right into her eyes but didn’t seem able to come up with anything. “I can take you wherever you want to go… a coffee shop. There’s a party at my house soon. I’m sure you don’t want to deal with, or anywhere. We can just… go.” Kit’s fingers fell on the last go, and she realized she was only saying all of this because she didn’t want them to part just yet. She wanted to be wherever Jade was. She wanted Jade to feel the same way. Something needed to change.

“I want to be around… people, I think.” Jade signed in little small movements. “Your house could be good. I’ve been curious.”

That made Kit ridiculously happy. She put her phone into Jade’s GPS and hoped that she wouldn’t annoy the other girl with the bouncing of her knee as she drove to the mansion. She couldn’t imagine Jade in her home, around family members who weren’t Airk or Graydon. Kit seemed to realize that as she walked out. Jade did the same, suddenly looking into the mirror to put herself together a little better in the mirror.

“You look fine.” Kit smiled and reassured her. She wanted to offer a hand, but Kit knew she shouldn’t. Couldn’t… even. She gestured instead and led Jade inside.

The party was already in full swing, and Kit filled Jade in on who everyone was.

“Oh! Is that who I think it is?!” Airk ran up, looking for all the world like a jolly golden retriever excited to see a new playmate. His hands flashed the signs in quick jumps and starts in that jerky way he had.

“Yeah, hi! My name’s Jade.” Jade grinned and Kit was so proud of her for having learned the skill in such a short time, for the surprise she saw on Airk’s face. Kit giggled a bit and was happier than she knew what to do when she saw Jade sign the name Kit had given her. Lili hadn’t seemed to give a shit about it except to brag that it existed to her friends. Graydon seemed just as excited when he saw them and joined in.

“Oh, hey guys, what’s this hush-hush secret gathering all about?” Sorsha asked, with Lili hot on her heels. Airk and Graydon immediately interpreted for her on instinct, already practiced hands at it all.

“It’s not secret, it’s in ASL.” Airk shot back immediately, already ready for whatever coming fight there might be. Kit loved this feeling. She wished the four of them were back at camp. No one there would have cared about how Kit needed to communicate.

Graydon knocked the flat of his hand against the back of Kit’s head gently, the teasing way he had to convince her to breathe. “You’re going to make yourself sick. Stop it.”

“Well, it’s not very social of you all, is it? This whole party going on around you while you’re in your own little bubble.” Sorsha argued, and Lili stood behind her with arms crossed over her chest.

“This

is

us socializing. This is a conversation.” Kit signed with force behind the words. She was so

tired

of her mother. The woman exhausted her. Something about having these people at her back strengthened her and made her feel safe enough to defend herself with her words while Airk interpreted them for her.

“No, you’re being selfish, Kit… keeping these guests to yourself. We have a whole party out here you could take part in. Have

fun

with your friends and don’t make your brother talk for you.” Sorsha commanded.

“Have you considered that we’re having fun here? That this is where all of us want to be?” Airk asked, standing up and putting himself between the three of his favorite people and his mother. Behind his back, Kit could see his hands as they trembled. Her jaw clenched and Graydon threatened to smack her gently again. She breathed deeply and refocused.

“Lili, would you like to join us? There’s a friend I wanted you to meet,” Kit offered, really hoping for once that she would undergo the ‘terrors of American Sign Language’. Kit was furious about the whole situation and she just really wanted her girlfriend to back her up for once against her mother.

“Actually, I was really hoping you would try to dance with me,” Lili corrected, her voice cool and dark. It was the one where Kit knew she was in for the lecture of a lifetime if she argued, usually as a half-essay, half-lipread monologue. Instead of going through that again later, Kit looked apologetically at Jade and Graydon, then sighed and stood. “Don’t look at them, look at me,” her lips said when Kit looked back.

Lili’s hands guided Kit with little shoves and pinches that made Kit flinch, but Lili was smiling. That meant she was doing well, at least for now, so Kit smiled back. Even though she knew the fight probably wasn't over for good, she was hopeful for another good night.

----- CHAPTER BREAK -----

Kit spent the next day in the kitchen in front of the oven with headphones on, the clearest sign that she didn’t want to be bothered. The night had

not

ended well, with Lili going into some kind of jealous rage that Kit talked to Jade more than she did Lili. When Kit pointed out that Lili didn’t even bother to use the

same language,

well… Lili had stormed out right before Sorsha took a turn lighting into her.
 
Snickerdoodles… mixing and resting and baking them, had never let Kit down. She might have gone overboard. Luckily, she had a never-ending resource for cookie consumption. Between Airk, Graydon, and the kids in Kit’s student teaching class, they would never go to waste so she let herself fall into the work. She knew that if she stopped, she would start crying and she wasn’t sure that she would be able to stop. Kit was terrified. She was totally, ridiculously, desperately torn between her two first loves.
 
—--/////—--
 
Burying Ballantine was a near-solitary affair, with only Scorpia and Jade in attendance. They had taken him home, to his old family farm in the highlands of Virginia and buried him up at the tree line just where the mountains began. Scorpia stood to the side where she could watch over her sister as she gripped her shovel and dug her father’s grave herself under the trees. 
 
Jade was instructed to take a week off work and classes. Scorpia bundled her up with a load of her things and brought her to New Zealand for vacation. Soon there was hot sand under her feet and she was being

forced

to talk about her feelings. 
 
Maybe she hadn’t been handling things as well as she thought she had been, and suddenly her mind felt clearer and her feet felt more evenly on the ground. It had only been a week and Jade was still so sad she couldn’t tolerate herself, but she was able to smile again. She also had the peace of mind to be able to figure out exactly how she felt and by god, she was mad at herself about it. Everything was so much clearer in hindsight. Maybe even a little clearer with a glass of white wine in one hand.
 
—--/////—--
 
Kit was not in the mood, no matter how excited she had been for Jade to come home from her impromptu grieving vacation. She understood why it was necessary. She also wanted to be able to help. She wanted to be able to do something for Jade in a moment like this. She felt useless and dumb and… now she had to play at being arm candy. 
 
Lili’s friends were the bane of Kit's existence. When it was just the two of them, there was a system. Lili could quirk her eyebrow and Kit would know exactly what it meant, as though Lili had given her an entire sentence to work with. Kit could count on waking up to coffee every morning she spent at Lili’s in the mug that had come to be ‘hers’. When things were good, they were good. When things were bad they were heinous. They would have had them if they had been capable of screaming matches.

Kit let Lili choose her outfit, since the girl had always had a good sense of style anyway, and Kit didn’t care anymore. She shrugged her coat around her shoulders and ran her thumb over the headphones she had stashed in her pocket. They were headed toward the winter market, Kit staring out the window at the Christmas lights as they passed by.  There had once been a time when that was one of her favorite things to do. Now it was a comfort as she put on her happiest face and prepared to be ignored. She was there to make Lili look good and there for that alone. Kit wanted to say she was doing a pretty good job of it.
 
It was night so Kit couldn’t lip-read, and Lili only kept her appraised when she remembered Kit’s existence as anything but someone to carry her bags as Lili and her friends shopped. The lights were too bright and there were people crowded all around, and Kit was hardly acknowledged unless it was to be admired for the few things she had to offer… her looks, her strength. Lili reached up and brushed a stray lock of hair out of Kit’s face, stroking a thumb across her jawline. Kit felt admired under those even eyes. She didn’t feel much of anything else, but at least that was something

nice,

that was something

good.

Kit volunteered to go get a hot chocolate for herself and Lili. She deserved something nice since she had made Kit feel nice. She carried the hot drinks over and put one in Lili’s hands.
 
Kit didn’t feel as terrible as she could have when she finally returned to Lili’s place. She was just glad they weren’t fighting all the time anymore. They had found a new normal and it was

working

.  The night proceeded as usual. Dinner, lackluster sex that was at least halfheartedly returned, and 
 
When she returned to the Tanthalos Manor it was the best surprise she could have come up with. Jade was seated on the stairs on the front stoop, a gift bag beside her feet. Her elbow rested on her knee, her chin in her palm. She looked sleepy, sun-warmed, and

beautiful.

She looked like

Jade.

Even the sight of her was a relief. Kit hadn’t realized how much she needed her best friend back. She hugged Jade before she knew what she was doing. The one she received in return was hesitant but strong around her back.
 
“Where are you coming back from at this hour?” Jade asked, concern on her face.
 
“I spent the night at Lili’s. We went to the Winter Market together yesterday with some of her friends.” Kit said and it felt like an admission of guilt. The look on Jade’s face didn’t help with that either.
 
“Are you stuck?” Jade asked, “Do you need help getting out?” 
 
Her jaw was clenched and her fists were balled up as well. Jade seemed ready to fight something. Kit felt her heart race, her mind blank, and her cheeks burn.
 
“I’m not stuck anywhere. I’m right where I want to be.” Kit signed insistently her jaw aching with how hard her teeth were gritted together. Her breathing came fast and hard. She wanted to turn around and

run

the full way back to Lili’s apartment. Something about Jade’s eyes had stricken her. No matter how much she wanted to, she couldn’t run. “I’m happy, Jade. “
 
“You don’t look happy.” Jade said, as solid as stone. “I’ve seen you happy, and this isn’t it. I… I think you need to leave her.”
 
“You’ve met her one time. You met Lili one time, J. How can you judge her from that?” Kit asked, an angry sound filling her chest and taking up residence to ache there, waiting to be unleashed. She was furious and scared and all of those things and none of those things all at once. She didn’t know how she could hold it all in.
 
“Because Kit, I don’t need to see her, and I don’t need to know her to know how

she

makes you feel. She makes you feel

small

and that is

disgusting

to me. I want to see you happy again, and she doesn’t make you happy. What is the point of a relationship if it doesn’t make you better?” Jade asked, so angry she could have screamed if it would have made a difference.
 
“It’s… it’s what I’ve got, Jade. Besides my family, Lili is all that I’ve got.” Kit was desperate. She needed Jade to understand but she couldn’t

make

her. Kit could never make anyone understand what she was feeling. Not without going to war first, and even then it was only a fifty-fifty chance.
 
“You know, you’ve got me, or you did. That’s the second time, Kit.” Jade left the bag on the doorstep. She started to walk away and turned around for the final time at the end of the driveway. “You certainly are the expert on breaking my heart.”
 
—--/////—--
 
Jade hadn’t expected that, but she also hadn’t known what to expect. She had just shown up, once she had begun to feel like a person again. The next immediate instinct had been to go and see Kit. Kit, whom she had not heard from in three weeks. Kit who was probably off with that

girl,

that terrible, terrible girl. Graydon didn’t have anything kind to say about the

terrible, awful girl

either. Jade was glad to know she wasn’t alone in it. She wondered what Airk thought about her. She didn’t know how to ask. She wanted to though. 
 
Jade felt… somewhat homicidal about it actually, and she would generally consider herself a gentle person. This Kit was a shell of the bright, vibrant person she had met at camp. This Kit didn’t laugh, didn’t radiate joy and wonder the way she used to. This Kit didn’t even

write.

“That is

not

traditional.” Graydon snorted as he looked at the early Christmas gift his trainer had given him. 
 
“Yes, but when I thought of your dad seeing them on you I laughed so hard I couldn’t breathe.” Jade said as she handed him the golden gloves on a chain. “You aren’t getting them in the way that most do, but you have them and that’s what matters.”
 
“Are you okay?” he asked her, tucking hair behind his ear and showing off the glittering blue silicone of his ear mold, the wire poking up and winding behind his ear to the computer processor/microphone/battery pack of the device. Jade adored him and how she could watch his face as he got the joke. She loved doing that with Kit as well, watching words float through her mind as she fought to understand them. It was a fascinating process on the most fascinating of faces.
 
“I'm…” Jade fought the instinct to lie. “I'm down. About the Kit thing. All of the Kit things. She is so…

great

and Lili is… They’re not right together, Graydon and Kit’s light has dimmed so much. This just isn’t how it should be.”
 
She wanted to cry and that made her feel even more ridiculous.
 
“As much as I agree with you, there’s not much we

can

do but be there for her. She’s an adult and it’s her mistake to make. We can help her see that she

is

loved and what that looks like, but she's going to do whatever she's going to do.” Graydon advised, his voice soft and caring  
 
“But I'm…” Jade started but couldn't make herself say the words. 
 
“I know you are.” Graydon said so she wouldn’t have to. “I know you do.”
 
Jade didn’t know when she had fallen in love with Kit. She didn’t know when Graydon had taken up residence as her best friend as well. She did know that things needed to change. They needed to change quickly if she were going to have her preference. Jade should have learned by then that she shouldn’t ever actually have any expectations. She felt her heart shatter when she saw pictures of Airk helping Kit move her things into Lili’s apartment. She felt her heart burn when she saw the collection of whiteboards under Kit’s arm.
 
—--/////—--
 
Kit had rededicated herself to Lili, and done her best to set things at least somewhat right between them. It felt good like it had in the beginning. She dragged herself out and about with Lili and her friends and she was almost happy about it. Sometimes, Lili would even begrudgingly fumble around until she could find Kit’s clit and halfheartedly touch her back. There was room for improvement, but the first Kit felt it happen she could have cried with relief, swallowing her moans over and over again when Lili finally got there. 
 
The bed and breakfast had been too public for any good fighting that needed to be done, and Kit didn’t trust that those days weren’t going to be fast approaching again, but Lili was getting that look, like she wanted to go somewhere, to do something. Kit rented a cabin up in the hills near some great hiking trails and started packing for them both. It was their favorite activity for when they were in a good place. No communication was really required and they could be in their happy places, together but separate. Kit had never been closer to someone and felt further from them. 
 
The only person she would have wanted to talk about it with, she could hardly think about without finding herself so mad, so sad, and so tired that she couldn’t tolerate herself. She couldn’t bring herself to answer a single one of Jade’s texts or calls. She didn’t know what to say to her. She didn’t know that she

could

say anything to her.
 
Instead of a good hike, there came an onslaught of snow in the night, trapping them inside. For a moment, Kit felt perfectly calm, completely at peace as she woke up to Lili’s head on her chest, cold toes against the tops of her feet, and saw that her girlfriend was dressed warmly in Kit’s sweater from the day before.

Is this a dream?

She thought for a moment, warm with the top of a head tucked under her chin, an arm wrapped tightly around her middle as she slept soundly. These moments Kit loved, when all was calm and safe and soft and nice. She couldn’t bear to disturb the wonderful quiet. Kit pulled her notebook off of the nightstand while moving the least amount possible.

Are you happy

Because i don’t know if am

Are you content

Because i think i might be

But i don’t know if that’s enough anymore

Is it okay to stay

it feels like what i should do

I know how it felt to be left

And wouldn’t want to do it to you

—--/////—--

“Lili, I don’t care about my clothes right now.” Kit’s words were interpreted for her by her brother as after the family New Year party the four young people had excused themselves to Lili and Kit’s place to continue the party.
 
The fight had started like it usually did; with Kit brightening, lightening as talked with her brother and her best friend in the language that was easiest for them all. Lili hated being left out and Kit could understand that. She understood it more than anyone, and she had said as much when Lili brought it up. Airk had interpreted, then said something for himself that Kit had to crane her neck around his broad shoulders to see. He was defending her. Again. That cord in his neck tightened and eyebrows drawn. 
 
Kit pulled her notebook out of her back pocket, thumbed back a few pages and handed it to her brother. She asked him, “is it time?” Graydon and Airk

both

nodded their fists and heads ‘yes’.

She held Lili’s eyes as she finally laid bare exactly how she made Kit feel. How she made her feel small. How she made her feel stupid when she knew she was very smart, graduating top of her class at the School for the Deaf and doing well in classes of hearing people at college with an interpreter. She told Lili how she felt alone in their relationship, how she had felt stripped her autonomy and she really really fucking hated it when Lili would nudge or lightly pinch or push her in a direction when she very literally could have done anything else. 
 
Getting the words out and in her own first language felt so good that Kit felt herself start to cry about it. Despite the winter outside, Kit felt so hot under her clothes she thought she might get heatstroke. She told Lili she didn’t think she was purposefully cruel, just ignorant and uncaring and unkind. Kit bared her teeth and announced that she was leaving and thought it was something she would have to do or she was going to die. 
 
Lili fought back. She said Kit literally needed her outfits chosen, and no that was something she did

to

Kit. She did things

to

Kit, claiming they were for her. Kit couldn’t remember the last thing Lili had done

for

Kit, to make her smile or to help her or anything. Lili said no one would ever know Kit the way she did, would work at being able to be with her the way she had. Lili threw her champagne glass into the burning fireplace.
 
Kit said she would rather be alone or be with her friends. She would rather have the chance to be herself and to

rediscover who that was.

Kit left her clothes, they were mostly pieces Lili had picked out for her anyway. She had spent the last two months of her life dating this girl and they felt like years of being caged. Airk and Graydon packed Kit up and put her in the car where she still couldn’t figure out how to stop crying. Her body wracked with sobs until her eyes couldn’t produce tears anymore and her sobs turned to gasps for breath. 
 
“Water. I think you’re dehydrated.” Graydon offered, slid in beside her to offer his shoulder, pressing a water bottle into her shaking hands.
 
“Where do you want to go?” Airk asked in the front seat, bags piled haphazardly on almost every surface of the small car. Kit didn’t even know what they contained. She didn’t know that she cared. She just wanted to start over. Burn it all down. Rebuild from scratch. Kit didn’t care where they went. She didn’t respond, letting herself be held by Graydon as she wondered at what the hell she was supposed to do now. Airk took her home with him, where a very sweet girl with long blonde hair and doe eyes that Kit couldn’t believe were real started to fuss over her and Kit was kind of glad to be Deaf in the face of that kind of kindness. Of course her brother was dating Actual Disney’s Tangled’s Rapunzel. She fell asleep on the couch in the middle of the one-sided conversation.
 
She didn’t see the flashing light on her phone alerting her to a text.
 
—--/////—--
 
Jade was mid-rep at the gym when her watch buzzed with the phone call. It was coming from Graydon. She finished her arc and set the kettlebell down. She was breaking tradition spending New Years in the abandoned boxing gym where she worked, but hadn’t Ballantine really broken it first, by ya know… dying?
 
“She put her foot down finally. Tonight was the night. She’s out.” Graydon said, his voice sad but hopeful when Jade picked her phone up. “Give her some time and then maybe you can reach out, but she’s really torn up right now. I’ll let her know you’re thinking about her. That you’re always there for her. Is that okay?”
 
Graydon’s voice was rushed and Jade could tell he had snuck away to make the phone call. He wanted to get back to her. Jade couldn’t help smiling, though it hurt to know Kit’s heart was broken.
 
“That’s perfect, Graydon. Keep me as updated as you can without breaking her confidence or whatever.” She replied, being sure to enunciate her words clearly. Graydon had complained that the Bluetooth on his hearing aid wasn’t working as well as it should lately. Jade wiped at her forehead and decided to be done for the night. Despite her sore muscles, she went home with a spring in her step for the first time in a while.

For tera: omg i really thought this chapter was going to fucking kill me, it felt impossible to write

----- CHAPTER BREAK -----

Kit decided to move in with Airk. 
 
He gave her options, saying that she needed to be able to make choices and that if anyone were going to offer the first one, it ought to be him and it should have been earlier. He kicked Sorsha out of her own house for a brilliant display of moving someone out in a true flurry of movement. 
 
Lili left an itemized list of everything in the apartment on the table, listing exactly what had been a ‘gift’ from Kit to Lili and what was ‘Kit’s’ and what was ‘Lili’s’. Kit had been so furious she could have

cried

when she saw it. Airk was burning at a simmer that would boil over when he was alone with a video game or in the gym. Kit knew. The twins handled anger very differently. Kit’s was either immediate and vibrant or low and poisonous. Airk was a bright fire that burned out quickly.
 
Her things were cleared from Lili’s and Sorsha’s homes in a record-setting amount of time. Then, with the knowledge their mother wouldn’t be home and a mansion to themselves, Airk did what Airk-type people were wont to do. 
 
He threw a party.
 
They were adults now and he promised it would be a classy affair. The Disney Princess had changed him it seemed. Kit felt she was the driving force behind most of this… with her smiles and kindness that stung a little when it came in contact with her. 
 
She had been shaved down until all that was exposed of her were the raw and open kind of sensitive nerve endings. She burned all the time at simply being exposed to the air. Kit had never felt like she was someone who needed people to be gentle with her before. She felt… deconstructed. Kit would never have thought that she would need kindness to be gentled and tempered down.
 
Kit drove herself to Sorsha’s when Airk said they were ready. She had set up the guest room at his house into her own bedroom. There was a packed Amazon list of things she wanted to use, personalize her new room, and finally do things the way she would have wanted. The way she wanted to now. She daydreamed about it as she drove to her former home. It felt completely foreign to her on the way there like she was going to a new place. 
 
Airk and Elora had gone full-on to the witchy side it seemed. Kit had never known her brother to be into those sorts of things, but it looked now like he had thrown himself into it head first. Their house was built to be easily decorated per Sorsha’s orders, and there was now greenery and floral accents all around the rafters, balconies, and mantlepiece. A large log had been placed in the fireplace, and surrounded by herbs. It would likely smell delicious as it burned if that were the intention because Kit had no idea what was happening here.
 
Elora seemed completely in her element while she hosted the party, and Kit figured out what was going on.
 
A mug of something warm and alcoholic was immediately pressed into her hand as she entered the room. Kit appreciated that at least as she looked at a room full of her favorite people. Well, most of them. Kit ached for the one that was missing. Kit hated to see someone she didn’t even know in the room when she wanted

Jade.

Maybe it wasn’t fair, Kit didn’t care. She had been spending a lot of time living in ‘unfair’. She should be allowed to deal out just a little of her own now that she had escaped it.
 
The table was covered in candles and the overhead lights were turned down low, the way Sorsha had them set for parties most often, the way that kept Kit from being able to read lips the way she needed to in those already inaccessible settings. However, this had been a joint effort between Airk and Elora and there was

abundant

ambient lighting. Most guests would be able to sign with her anyway. 
 
Platters of food had been distributed across the table with more greenery running around and between the fancy silver plates and the golden candlesticks. Kit felt like she had walked into a scene from a fantasy show. Everything felt deep, alive, and decadent. She supposed that was how they wanted her to feel as well. Airk and Elora had dressed up, with Airk in one of his most flouncy blouses unbuttoned to almost his navel, and Elora in a low long flowy Stevie Nicks-type dress. She wore a crown of flowers on her head and Airk had a small bunch pinned to the chest of his shirt, another tucked behind his ear. Kit thought they looked picturesque like some truly talented Renaissance painter had plucked the images of them from thin imagination.
 
The guests, Kit’s coworkers, members of the signing group, and a few people Kit recognized as her brother’s classmates had also dressed appropriately. A wreath about the fireplace announced that this was a “celebration of yule” and Kit decided that any excuse for a party was a good one. Yippee for whatever Yule was.
 
Elora caught her and with Graydon’s assistance, informed her that her outfit had been procured betwixt her twin and his girlfriend and left for her in her former bedroom with plenty of options. She said it sheepishly, as though she had been having too much fun with the ideas and the clothes and the whole damn shindig. As elaborate as it all was, Kit understood the reaction… though she would admit every

one

and every

thing

looked beautiful, more beautiful than she would say their home ever had before. 
 
Kit’s bedroom was completely barren except for the clothing options in their garment bags on the mattress. The clothes were gorgeous and truly sumptuous in velvets and linens and Kit could not have chosen anything any better. She went with her instincts. There were deep blues, purples, greens, blacks, and whites available. The black shirt with the standing band collar had embroidery around the standing collar and the wrists that fascinated her
 
Kit emerged from her room, got a glance of the party from the view from above, and immediately ached for a pen and paper, her notebook nowhere to be found in the chaos of the move(s). For the first time in a long while, the words began to form and dance through her mind. It was

satisfying.

Kit decided she didn’t care, and grabbed a pen from the rarely used kitchen and a linen napkin.

I’ve been told that I’m too much

Too much to handle or deal with or to work to understand

I’ve been told I’m too loud

Too loud to be listened to

Too unladylike

And i don’t know what i am, but i know i’m too good for you

Kit allowed herself to have fun from there on out. She sank into the comfort of her friends, of the freedom afforded her by accessibility, and the low lights that always felt best to her. Her people did know her, and they knew her well. She drank the warm honey-flavored alcohol in her hand and felt the beat of whatever music was playing inside of her chest. Airk explained all of the witchy things Elora had laid out and Kit pretended to care, though she appreciated that the smoke from the wood burning nearby was just as sweet smelling as she had thought it might be. She took a seat adjacent to the fire so she could get a nose full of the smell and people-watch to her heart’s content.
 
She wasn’t left alone for long. Her brother stopped by to talk to her for a while, Elora joined him and Airk swapped between interpreting and communicating for himself with the same smoothness he’d developed over a long time of helping Kit in this way. He balanced it well with his conversation with her, maintaining clear delineation the entire way along. She appreciated his talent and his care with every word. 
 
As soon as Graydon and Elora parted ways from Kit, she found herself accompanied by Graydon and they proceeded to talk

shit

in the way only the two of them were able to. Kit’s smiles were real but they were still tight. She could feel it. She could see Graydon notice.
 
“You can laugh with me. You can laugh here. You are in a safe place with safe people and honestly… fuck that girl for making you feel that way.” Graydon’s signs were tighter and tenser than usual, keeping up as small as possible sign space. It was a sign of his frustration now. Kit could read it easily through his hands.
 
“I’ll try.” Kit signed weakly, realizing that this was a hangup leftover from her mother and Lili and that those experiences had piled up. They would likely take time to work through. She had time and space now, and Kit was looking forward to taking advantage of that. Writing again was a good sign she thought. The linen napkin was still in her back pocket, and Airk had promised to run and get her notebook so she could copy the poem she had written into it. Kit leaned her shoulder into Graydon’s.
 
“Did I ruin it?” Kit asked, nudging him for his eyes on her hands. She might have been significantly tipsy by this point.
 
“Ruin what?” he replied, an affectionate smile on his face as he looked at her in the alcohol-induced melty state that had possessed her.

“Jade.

Did I ruin it with

Jade

?” Kit asked, exhausted and tipsy but thoroughly pleased with the surprise party.
 
“Of course not, Kit. Of course not. Trust me. I know that she’s hurt and I know that mistakes were made but… I definitely don’t think anything is ruined.” Graydon said, not giving away the fact that he knew the absolute truth of the matter. He also knew them well enough to know that he ought to keep them from rushing into something and ruining it for real this time. “I’ll talk to her. Get a feel for where she is… but maybe that’s something you should do yourself.”
 
“I do give good text.”
 
Graydon groaned at his friend and massaged his eyes, already knowing he would hate being in the center of all of this…

affectionately.

There is a sad song on and i am swaying by myself

But the idea of you is here with me

Always

And that is wonderful

By all the gods

I can only think of one thing better

When she went to bed in her new room in her brother’s house, Kit dreamed of a future. She dreamed of rubbing sunscreen into warm brown skin, dreamed of a home and a family. She dreamed of being comfortable in her own skin and in the safety of the people around her. Her heart opened a little more. A little more healing, then she would get started on that.

----- CHAPTER BREAK -----

“She asked about you. I didn’t say anything about you or how you’re doing. It didn’t feel like my place. With a little time and healing, she’ll be okay.” Graydon advised Jade, his voice low as they rested on the bench after Graydon’s last day of boxing. “I’m not sure I’ve ever seen her as torn apart as she had been… or seen someone as relieved as she was when she came into that mansion.”
 
“And it wasn’t hard for you to see Airk with Elora? I’ve heard that they’re like… grossly happy.” Jade said as she tried to cover up a grin at the memories of the photos and how she had combed them over looking for signs of Kit where she knew the girl would have hidden. She could understand Kit becoming camera-shy after everything that had happened. It was a shame for Jade, who would have liked to see her, even secondhand. She wished she could write like Kit, and get the feelings out of her body that way. Instead, she just mulled them over and over. 
 
Just thinking about Kit made Jade miss her like an arm or a leg.
 
Life returned to a new kind of normalcy. Jade lived with Kit haunting her mind and often in her dreams. She focused on school and saving her money. She worked her slow and careful way through her grief. It ebbed and flowed. It brightened and dimmed, from a blazing roar that threatened to consume Jade into a glowing ember that only hurt when she held it and looked at it too closely, but was never gone.
 
Jade found the new version of herself and began to grow somewhat fond of her. She got an apartment, on her own for the first time in her life, and she tended it with the utmost care. She decorated, she nested, until she felt like she had a home. It was an empty home, but a home nonetheless and she could make it comfortable, maybe even a little beautiful, even without a poet’s eye. Jade had fallen in love with her classes and was lauded for her accomplishments in them, despite her deep desire to never be singled out. She was proud of herself. She knew Ballantine would have been as well. 
 
Sometimes she wondered what he would have thought of the girl she was certain she might one day very well love. Ballantine always appreciated quiet. He would have liked that aspect, and Jade imagined he would have been amused and heartwarmed by the vocalizations Kit made as much as she was. Even if they had annoyed him, she knew her father would have shoved it down deep and never said a word about it. Jade had always loved him for his patience. She had loved him for a whole host of reasons. Uncountable in number.
 
Her heart was so full for feeling so empty. Still, she reached deeply for her patience and hope for Kit to reach out.

—--/////—--

Kit tucked herself into her office chair, staring at the notebook in front of her. She had hidden the old journals, putting them in a wooden box she had been gifted but never used, and tucking them into the far back of her closet on the very top shelf. She had to keep them for her own peace of mind, but she was also pretty sure that she wouldn’t ever be looking at them again. 
 
Kit had the rest of her life to look forward to, she was forcing herself to realize. There would be joy, there would likely be more sadness, and there would be beauty. She just needed to be ready for it when it came.
 
Kit graduated, got a job at the School for the Deaf where she had grown up, and she found out that she was a whole adult now. At some point, without knowing it, she had grown up. It was terrible and fantastic. The responsibility was for once, a welcome weight on her shoulders. The children were (mostly) a delight. Kit loved the work, though her famously thin patience needed work and improvement, but everyone had their faults right?
 
Kit’s, for a long time, had been underestimating herself, and underestimating what everyone else could see in her. She was setting that right, and taking steps to start advocating for herself. Half the time, she just imagined what her brother of Jade would have said on her behalf, then toned that down by 15%.  Sometimes her own mental images made her laugh, and sometimes, on a particularly good brain day, she would let herself do so out loud once she was alone or at her brothers.
 
Kit’s desk was set up for her work. She had pens that wrote with different textures she enjoyed, and in different colors to suit her mood. Her computer was set up with accessible games Airk had found for her, with the volume turned all of the way up on a set of headphones that he had found with maximum bass for her enjoyment. Kit had never felt so loved before. She didn’t know if it was even possible.
 
She had filled pages of her notebook ruminating on those thoughts. Writing again felt good, and she did her best to keep from writing about Jade over and over again. In the notebook, she wrote and rewrote her text to Jade, trying to work up the courage to actually send one. Her heart had finally begun to mend and she looked forward to the day when she could
 
“I think I should apologize for not trying to get in touch earlier, don’t you?” Kit asked, “It would be the best way to start, right?”
 
Airk groaned and Kit imagined it to be a comical sound. She wished she knew it. She wished she knew a lot of things, but her imagination could fill in some of the blanks, though she didn’t remember all that many sounds from her childhood. Her brother’s voice. She had clung to that memory as long as she could. She could still feel it in the back of her mind a bit distantly, but there. Sometimes she could feel the rumble of it in the deepest reaches of her mind when she laid a hand on his chest as he spoke. 
 
Kit watched his hands move and tried to imagine his voice accompanying his words in his response. 
 
“I think you should do

something,

time is passing and you two losers are just making each other a bit miserable all of the time. Not to mention everyone around you watching you moon over each other from afar. We’re all a bit miserable as well. Shut up and do it.” Airk said though he smiled as he signed at her. She knew he secretly thought their idiocy was kind of sweet. She knew he was a closet romantic. She had seen it constantly in the way he treated Elora since moving in. Kit was proud of her brother, and she was proud of herself. She sent the text that night.
 
“Are you going to the Winter Festival again this year?”

----- CHAPTER BREAK -----

I am more vulnerable than i have ever cared to be

I am soft underneath my carefully crafted shell

I’ve worked so hard to build myself up, even just this much

My careful house of cards has slipped and fallen apart

Falling down all around me

I was hurt before

Now, I have become stronger 
From the bottom up  “I know it’s 3 a.m., but should we..." Graydon asked Jade, "Maybe you can finally figure out how you want to respond? This has been the opposite of the productive hangout it was supposed to be.”They had given up Graydon’s pretend love of boxing, and they hung out just like regular friends, which Jade guessed they kind of had been the whole time.“Well, I am going. I'm not sure how I want to reply. It all feels so new, and fragile, even though it shouldn’t be. We have spent our whole ‘relationship’ with these entangled feelings. We were a hook-up, and then we were friends, but we weren’t ever just… just friends, right?” Jade asked, and it was the same thing they’d been discussing in circles for the past several hours.“Then do something about it. She opened a door. You just have to walk through it.” Graydon said it with force this time.“ Yes, I hope to see you there is too formal.” “ Excited to see you would be too much.” Graydon rolled his eyes at her. “If you don’t decide something soon, I’m going to grab your phone and send something myself just so I can go to bed.” He yawned dramatically and glared at her. Jade just stared at him."Ten," he said, holding his thumb up. He leaned in threateningly.Jade gasped at him, but it only made her mind blank. Nothing was helping. Nothing was good enough. Everything she came up with, Kit deserved better.“Nine,” Graydon announced, his thumb and first finger pinched together. He held his hand up in a request for the phone if Jade was going to give up.“I’ve got it; I’ve got it.” Jade said, though she certainly didn’t have it.“Eight.” Graydon’s thumb moved to his middle finger. He lifted an eyebrow at his friend. He knew better than to believe her.Jade’s thumbs moved across the screen, instinct taking over.
“Hi! I’m going! Hope you are too, but maybe we could hang out before then?”
“Seven.” Graydon said and smiled at her, more brightly than Jade had known he could. He enjoyed the knowledge that this would be done and over with soon. They would be happy together going forward. Jade grinned back at him.“I hope it’s alright. I hope it’s…” “You hope it goes better this time.” Graydon finished for her in that easy way they always had- the easy understanding. Jade appreciated it when he said the hard things for her. Anyone else the action might have severely pissed off.“I really do.” Jade sighed heavily, her heart just as heavy. “I really want it to go perfectly. We deserve our shot, don’t you think?”“I do think so, but maybe you two should talk. I mean, really talk. Talk through all of the things. Every single one. Without me.” Graydon advised softly. “You are perfectly fluent now. You can have any conversation you need to have without me from now on.”Graydon looked oddly excited about that. Jade wondered if they had dragged him into the middle of whatever was going on far more than they had intended. He didn’t seem overly put out about it if they had. She dropped her head into her hands.“I can’t believe I said hi .” She groaned again.“I’m just glad that you said something. Anything. ” Graydon continued to tease her. “Anyhow, do you think we could go to bed now? I’m exhausted. ”Jade agreed. Her head and her heart still weighed heavily after the day of deep thought. She spread herself out on one couch and gestured for Graydon to take the other.—--/////—--Despite Graydon’s prior assurances that she hadn’t ruined anything, Kit hadn't been sure Jade would respond. When she did get a text back, Kit felt a thrill run up and down her spine. Jade wanted to meet up before camp. The world might begin to get set to rights. Kit desperately wanted them to find their way back to one another. She hoped she had grown enough to do it right this time. Kit set about planning for them to meet up, thinking something simple like coffee might be best and easiest. It was how their friendship after the first festival had started. She felt like it was only fitting that they hit reset in the same way. Maybe Jade could spy her in the distance again. Kit had liked knowing she’d caught Jade’s eye. She would have liked to do it again.Kit sat down with her notebook.
I used to chew gum like it was going to get away from me

I latched onto anything and everything i could do

To find anything that could drown out the noise in my mind

I drove myself crazy

I tried to please everyone around me

I needed anyone and everyone to love me, so i could feel like maybe I mattered somehow

It pains me to put it into print but it needed to be done

Otherwise, I wouldn’t know that I know.
 Kit could see Jade through the window, her head bowed over the counter, a coffee steaming right in front of her, seemingly untouched. Kit drank in the image for a long moment before she pushed herself into the coffee shop, her heart feeling like it had pushed its way out through her sternum.She took her seat and saw her heart sitting right in front of her all of a sudden. Warm brown eyes, a slight smile, and a face full of freckles. Kit’s heart. Jade was sitting there, looking perfect, kind, and generous. Jade's letting Kit try again with her was generous. Kit just sat and looked at her and admired her until Jade signed the first words. Kit knew she was the luckiest person in the world. She couldn’t imagine letting Jade go again. Her face started to hurt, and she realized it was because she was smiling so hard.Jade walked Kit home after, and it was a long walk, though worth it. In front of Airk’s picturesque little house, Jade leaned in to press the softest, shortest, gentlest kiss to Kit’s lips. It was a small, perfect, and beautiful thing.—--/////—--Jade hadn’t seen Kit smile like that in a long time. It was beautiful. She watched joy and wonder and most of the conceivable emotions cross Kit’s face so quickly. Jade read them all so easily on Kit’s wonderfully expressive face. She had forgotten how helpful that could be, how easy Kit was to read. How wonderful those bright blue eyes were. As usual, they were pretty good at finding a rhythm as soon as they were in a space together. Jade made sure she held her self-control in a tight grip. She wanted to invite Kit home with her right out of that first coffee date, but she held off. Jade could see the offer in Kit’s dancing blue eyes, but they were doing things right this time. She did immediately tell Kit she would like to see her again… and soon. Jade didn’t want Kit to question her investment or how much she was into this. She didn’t want there to be a doubt in Kit’s mind that she wasn’t important to Jade or that Jade didn’t think she was special.Jade didn’t want to be anything like Lili.She insisted that she could plan it all out herself, which seemed to make Kit nervous at first before the delight set in across her expression. She wanted to do something fun and exciting for Kit, but something that was accessible as well. Jade had ideas percolating, but she was excited to do something for KIt. They could use some good old-fashioned fun.—--/////—--Kit was glowing from the inside out. Everyone around her could see it; she knew but couldn’t bring herself to care. Jade had gone up to camp early to help with setup for a couple of days. Kit drove herself and Graydon up. The music was as loud as it could be turned up, and the trunk was packed full to bursting. Kit was pretty sure no one in the history of the world had ever been so excited about something. All of the artists from the year before were returning, and Jade had brought her guitar again. Kit had found out when they were texting about the trip to coordinate logistics. Jade had also offered to share her tent with Kit, and, well, she had very clear and distinct memories of how that had gone the last time. She was incapable of forgetting, not that she ever would have wanted to.Kit stood at the base of the hill, her heart in her throat, as she looked up to see Jade at the stage, helping to move equipment up there out of a small storage container. She didn’t stop to watch this time. She jogged up the hill, unable to hold herself back. Jade laughed, and Kit could see it when she caught a look at her face. It eased something in her, realizing that Jade was just as happy to see Kit as Kit was to see her. Kit jumped, and Jade caught her in the air, arms wrapping around her and spinning her. Kit felt herself laugh? Maybe? She felt Jade squeeze her just a little tighter and smile just a bit wider. It wasn’t at all the reaction Kit had expected, but she was still so happy.Kit took Jade’s hand after she had been set down and squeezed it. There had only been two weeks since she had seen Jade, but Kit had missed her. She buried her face in Jade’s sternum and gave in to the urge to kiss it through the clothing she still wore. Kit didn’t know why she did it, just that it felt right and correct. She took a step back to get another look at Jade again, wearing a loose sweater and jeans, her hair wild around her. Jade’s smile softened from brilliant to gentle. She placed a hand over where Kit had kissed her chest. Jade brought her fingers up to her lips from her chest, kissed them, and pressed them to the same place on Kit’s chest. Kit thought she might melt.—--/////—-- Kit had thought maybe they would recreate their last time sharing a tent this time around. Jade reminded her with a gentle if smug, teasing tone that they were going to be taking it slow. They only slept, but Kit still felt so cared for that it might have been better than whatever they would have done otherwise. She tucked her head into the crook of Jade’s arm and pushed her nose into Jade’s smoke-scented skin. She felt the memory of vibration in her hand up her arm, from where she’d laid a hand on the back of Jade’s guitar as she’d played it. The feelings resonated, and she just felt and remembered them until she was asleep. It was a perfectly soft and lovely night of sleep.—--/////—--Slow meant slow, apparently. Jade cut them off shortly after every makeout, though Kit would feel like she was going nuts the whole time. If it weren’t so clear how untrue it was, Kit might have thought Jade didn’t want her and didn’t find her attractive. Instead, she was just bothered. Jade made them wait a whole month. Kit thought she might implode with the time, but she also was able to recognize that they were in a much better place than they would have been otherwise.The difference was day and night. Kit couldn’t believe she had ever been with Lili when Jade had been around. When Jade was so Jade and Kit had been so broken down. She saw such a change in how she felt about herself, how she carried herself, and how she felt her heart healing.Jade was warm, kind, and generous as she took Kit to her apartment, which kind of looked as though it were nicked directly from the page of a Rooms To Go commercial. It didn’t look as though anyone had been living there at all. The level of neatness was impeccable. Kit took it all in with wide and excited eyes as she saw the few personal touches of Jade around the place. The couch looked inviting as she followed Jade inside, wondering what the night might entail.“Wine?” Jade asked, turning around to see Kit’s face as she signed and spoke. They’d been at dinner when Kit had begun to realize that this might be the night. She watched as Jade moved to the cabinets where she kept the wine glasses put away; every line of her body was so perfect… like art. Jade was art, up and walking around. Kit couldn’t believe her luck—that this was her life. She nodded her fist "Yes."Jade placed two glasses on her coffee table and sat on the couch with a nod for Kit to do the same. Kit, when she saw Jade tucking herself into the corner of the couch, against the arm, looking softer than Kit had ever seen her, all but rushed to join her. She sat probably too close, wanting nothing more than to touch Jade the way she once had, but still, she held herself back. It wasn’t time yet. The TV played in the distance, colors flickering across the room from the light of it, neither of them paying it any attention.Kit drank about half of her glass, Jade only remembering sips of her own now and again, too wrapped up in each other to remember anything else existed. They discussed anything and everything that came to mind, laughed, very nearly cried, and enjoyed one another’s company.The movie that had been on long since bled into another film, and when Jade realized, she set her glass down on the glass top. She stood, the corner of her lips quirked up, and she offered Kit her hand.Kit took it, trying not to seem as overly eager as she was, as she was every time Jade looked at her with those eyes. Those eyes that seemed depthless in their warmth and kindness and, at the moment, want. Want for Kit, and not just want, but desire, and something else, something more . Kit’s breath was stripped from her lungs, her heart paused, and she took the hand to follow. Long, freckled fingers curled around her own. Kit loved Jade’s hands so.Down the hall, Kit followed, through a door into a room that smelled of Jade, lemongrass, and spice. Kit decided she loved that smell.Jade stopped bedside and waited for Kit to move first, like Kit might take off if Jade moved suddenly. That was when Kit realized Jade was just as nervous as her. Just as excited. Kit started by lifting Jade's shirt free from her pants and over her head. This was skin Kit had seen before; skin Kit had mapped with her teeth, tongue, lips, and hands. She had appreciated it all before. Admired it. They were not then, what they were now. First and foremost, Kit leaned down to kiss Jade’s breastbone before the vale of her breasts began, behind which beat her precious heart.Kit kissed up from there until Jade’s steady, wonderful hands stopped her. A thumb moving from lip to chin told her patience. Patience was never Kit’s strong suit.“You want this, do you?” Jade asked, her gaze holding Kit still. “Let me have my fun as well.”Her signs were slow, steady, and sure. Beautiful. Just like the rest of Jade. Kit couldn’t believe the amount of work she had put into learning the language. Kit had seen talented signing before. She was surprised to find it attractive for the first time… or maybe she just found everything Jade did attractive. That felt fair as well.Kit felt lips low and slow on hers; her eyes fell shut as her face was cupped in calloused hands, careful around her jaw and neck. One slid up into her hair and combed through it in a manner that made Kit’s breath catch. A thumb dipped into the hollow at the back of her neck. The lips trailed down her neck, nipping at her jaw, and the hands moved to pull her shirt over her head as well, setting them even in their undress. Kit felt a hum of what was likely a sound against her skin and wondered if she had made any sounds. She didn’t feel any in her throat or mouth, but that wasn’t always reliable when she wasn’t paying close attention. Kit’s hands wandered and splayed against the warmth of Jade’s back. She used the opportunity to tug at the offending bra straps that marred otherwise perfect skin.Kit repressed a whine but wasn’t sure she was successful. Jade pressed Kit back toward the bed. “Don’t do that. Whatever feels natural, you do that. You deserve that. I promise to love it because it’s you, alright? I mean it. There are no wrong answers.” Jade knelt and began to tug Kit’s jeans off, leaving Kit’s mind to spin at what Jade had said. Shoes, socks, and jeans were tossed to the side.Jade kissed up the inside of Kit’s thigh. She stopped short of any of the material of Kit’s underwear, and Kit felt a gasp of protest escape her. The exact action was repeated on the other and Kit grabbed fistfuls of Jade’s comforter. It felt like the fluff clenched in her hands was the only thing able to ground her through the depths of sensation.Kit continued to realize that maybe she had been missing out on the real deal all that time she had been without Lili. She didn't know what she could do or give to Jade to thank her for what this masterwork in touch was, but Kit would figure it out. Jade hadn’t even touched Kit where she needed to be touched, and Kit felt like a boneless, twitching mess. She felt need from the top of her head down to the curl of her toes.Instead, Jade shifted forward, bracketed her arms above Kit’s ears, and started to kiss her way down Kit’s body, taking the chance to appreciate all of her that she hadn’t gotten the first time. Kit was just a pile of nerves. Her fingers clung to Jade’s back, and she tried to gentle herself as much as possible, but it was so hard when every part of her felt so tightly coiled, like a compressed spring. Jade’s tongue blazed trails across her breasts, flicked at her nipples, and made their way down her stomach. Kit was a clinging, twitching mess of herself when she felt her underwear peel wetly away and that tongue where she needed it soon after. She knew she wouldn’t last long. It had been so long.Kit’s abdominals clenched, her hips jerked, and her thighs trembled, and then it was gloriously, deliriously over. Kit didn’t feel as though there was much of anything left of her. She gasped until she felt like there was burning oxygen finally working its way into where her lungs ought to be. She trembled still until she felt her hair being pushed out of her face. Kit peeled her eyes open, just in time to see Jade kiss her fingers and press them to Kit’s bare chest.“Beautiful.” Kit read on Jade’s lips.Kit didn’t know what to do with herself after, except to hold Jade close to herself and pull at the latch on the bra that had never made it the rest of the way off. Kit was excited about that and desperate to return the favor. Jade sat up, off, and away from her. “We’ve discussed this. It’s not a transaction or a tit for tat. You’re a sweaty, tired mess. I can hold on for a bit, or I could not have a ‘turn’ at all. Give and take. Push and pull. Ebb and flow.” Jade signed from her knees in front of Kit on the bed, her bra only half on her shoulders. How could Kit not want her?“We’ve discussed it, but there’s not a world where I don’t want to touch you when you look like that. When you’re so good to me.” Kit rolled them over and kissed Jade as thoroughly as she could, with less desperation but exactly as much vigor.Maybe there were still things that needed to be worked on, maybe they weren't there yet, but they would be soon. The future was right there for the taking, hopefully, sooner rather than later, and Kit could almost taste it from where she lay with Jade, wrapped up in one another in a manner that felt something like home.
i can see it like a mirage in front of me

a clear idea

a true desire

the perfect picture just out of grasp

i believe i can get there one day

with you at my side and tangled up in my heart

the mirage of the future

and what we could build together