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The first time Ryan heard Shane talk about love was during a postmortem shoot. He couldn’t recall what question they were answering, wasn’t even sure he could offer a guess as to what episode it was exactly. Sometimes he wondered if the footage still existed somewhere at Buzzfeed, the cut content of the conversation that occupied Ryan’s mind for years after it took place.“They say love is like ghosts for a reason,” Shane says with a shrug, taking a sip of his tea before continuing, “Doesn’t matter if it’s a bunch of bologna, no one will ever shut the fuck up about it.”“Cmon man, are you saying you don’t believe in love either?” Ryan prods, not caring that he sounded a little too interested, “You’ve never loved anyone?”“I love my family,” Shane shrugs, tracing his finger around the rim of his coffee cup, “I think the idea of being in love is where I have an issue.”
Ryan shakes his head in disbelief, trying his best to regain composure and continue on with the episode. They were going to talk about this, he just wasn’t sure when yet.
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The second time Ryan heard Shane talk about love was years later. No cameras, just the two men sitting together in the small living room of Ryan’s first LA apartment.“Do you still not believe in love?” Ryan asks, pretending that the question was prompted by the cheesy movie they had just finished and not something he’d thought about every day for the last few years.“I think the concept of being in love is fairly adjacent to believing in god…believing in ghosts even,” Shane answers after a long while, “I wish I believed in something everlasting like that, something that could transcend death. I think it’s all just a result of the human condition. People need to find answers, to find things that make life worth living, to believe in something bigger than themselves.”“Dude you’re blowing my mind right now. I can’t believe this is coming from the guy who rambles about finding the beauty in everything and being completely content.”“I am completely content! There are plenty of things worth living for, thousands of things that are overlooked in favor of chasing after love,” Shane argues, feeling a little defensive as his views are belittled, “People can be happy without believing in all these silly little theories that science doesn’t even begin to support.”“You love psychology though, yeah?” Ryan tries, searching Shane’s face for any sign that this was all some elaborate joke to get him riled up, “Being in love is a psychology thing, there’s like studies and shit.”“I do enjoy psychology, but that doesn’t mean it’s anything aside from pseudoscience.”“You’re insufferable.”
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A hospital visit almost a year later brings up the concept of love once again. Even without knowing that Shane had been by his bedside for over 24 hours, Ryan was convinced the man loved him. “You’re in love with me, I think,” Ryan murmurs, eyes still closed.He knew it was an insane first statement to make after being unconscious. Any other time Ryan would’ve said something stupid, quoted a movie or referenced one of their cases. He needed Shane to hear him, to really take in what was said.
Ryan feels Shane’s head lift from his hip, he’s sure the man is staring at him with bloodshot watery eyes.“What?” Shane asks softly, seeming to remember their intertwined fingers as he pulls away suddenly, “I was worried about you, you’re my friend..”Ryan hums and shifts in the hospital bed, not caring to elaborate any further. He didn’t know if Shane knew that he remembered the kiss pressed to his temple, the breaking of the man’s voice as he argued with the 911 operator about their location, the warmth that wrapped around him until the paramedics finally arrived. He knew Shane would try to rationalize it all, to say the floor board that broke underneath Ryan’s weight was from rot, the age of the building and not something supernatural. He could go either way on that, but Ryan knew Shane’s reaction wasn’t that of a concerned friend, the man had sounded utterly broken. He could hear the heartbreak, the same broken inflection that could be heard in his own voice when he talked to anyone about his friendship with Shane. Though he wasn’t fully coherent he saw the reaction of worried friends, and they all looked like they knew better than to even think of getting between Shane and Ryan.
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“Just because someone you generally trust says something doesn’t mean it’s true,” Shane argues with a scoff, surely having deja vu from their shoot about aliens where they argued the believability of certain hieroglyphs, “You trust me, that doesn’t mean you should believe me if I one day proclaim that I have three dicks and am in love with Steven Lim.”“Yeah I’d know that was bullshit,” Ryan shrugs, smirking proudly at the camera before continuing, “But that’s because I know you’re actually in love with me.”“Does that mean you believe the three dicks part?”Ryan grins as he sees Shane’s face redden in the viewfinder, enjoying taunting the man, “I don’t know what you’ve got going on down there, man.”It hardly mattered that the latter half of their conversation would be cut from the episode, Ryan had gotten a reaction from Shane. He selfishly wanted the other man to spend as much time thinking about being together as he did.
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“I think I have a thing for Ryan Bergara,” Shane decides aloud, expecting the revelation to cause Steven to spit out his drink or at the very least react.“Yeah he told me,” Steven responds dismissively, not even looking away from his computer, “Not that he had to say anything, it’s pretty obvious..”Shane couldn’t be that mad at the response, not from Steven anyway. Steven was Ryan’s friend, he’d never even spent time with the man alone outside the office. Shane didn’t know why he chose Steven to confide in anyways, maybe he hoped for some insight on Ryan’s feelings. Regardless of what he hoped for or how fair Steven’s answer was, Shane was agitated by the man’s words. He tried to go back to work, finger tapping impatiently as he willed himself to read the article in front of him on the Franklin expedition.“Yeah okay,” Shane huffs as he finally gives up on forcing himself to try to work, getting up from his desk and heading towards the door of their office, “I’m going home for the day.”“You should go see Ryan,” Steven calls out after him, and Shane didn’t know if the man was teasing him or not, but it didn’t sound like a bad idea.
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Ryan was convinced that there was no reason on earth for someone to be pounding on his door right now. He had tried to ignore the first few knocks, but they kept coming. So much for a relaxing and excessively long shower and a quiet day off.“Someone better be dead,” he grumbles to himself, pulling on a pair of sweats and the first T-shirt he could find before making his way to the door.“Jesus Christ finally,” Shane complains, pushing his way into the apartment as soon as the door was open.Ryan stares at the taller man, waiting for any sort of explanation. Shane was fidgeting, restless and seemingly in a hurry. Ryan had never been good at waiting, the only exception seemed to be Shane. He’d push the man, challenge his beliefs, but he always knew where the boundary was even if he had a habit of toeing the line. Ryan was in love with Shane, his love for the man was even more of a fact in his mind than the existence of ghosts. His need for evidence of ghosts was something that he tried everyday to quench, something he had no patience for even though he knew the process would be lengthy. Being loved in the way he needed by Shane required patience, required waiting that Ryan reminded himself constantly would be worth it eventually. Right now Ryan couldn’t wait, couldn’t wait to know what was on the taller man’s mind. He needed to know if he had finally pushed just enough, if Shane was teetering on the ledge enough to fall in.“Did you need something?” Ryan finally asks, his impatience only growing as Shane stares at him as if he was the one that just barged in uninvited.“I’m going to kiss you.”Ryan’s eyes widen before closing completely, his body taking a moment to relax. This was what he’d been waiting for, the moment he’d anticipated since he started attempting to crack away the hard exterior on Shane’s beliefs regarding love. There’s a large hand on his hip pulling him closer, a soft touch on his cheek. His heart beats fast as Shane pulls away, his land lingering for a moment before stealing the warmth away from Ryan’s side.“I’m still not sure about the whole love thing,” Shane starts, fidgeting with the buttons on his shirt, “but I’d like to be with you. I don’t know if you’re into me, hell into dudes even, but I needed to know what that felt like..”Ryan lets out a sad laugh, he didn’t think he’d been subtle about his feelings for Shane. If this was a movie then he’d nod and throw himself into Shane’s arms, promising they’d work things out together. He couldn’t do that though, couldn’t throw himself at the man without knowing his feelings were entirely reciprocated. Ryan would give himself to Shane entirely, in a lot of ways he already had, but he couldn’t let himself when the risk of getting hurt was so high. So he’d wait again, this time with more longing and determination, a new hunger.“I love you,” Ryan mumbles, looking up at Shane with sad eyes, “Hoping you care about me the way I care about you isn’t enough for me though…I don’t care if you believe in ghosts or spirits or even god, but this is kind of a deal breaker.”This was the right decision, for both of them, but right now it hurt. Right now Ryan’s heart ached and his eyes burned with the threat of tears, his chest felt heavy. He felt selfish, knowing that Shane’s entire world was being flipped but merely having to wait for it to settle was crushing to him.“I’m still navigating it,” Shane says softly, looking defeated as he stares past Ryan and at the ground, “I feel like what we have is a lot to lose and that’s horrifying.”“Once you figure it out you know where to find me, yeah?” Ryan offers a small smile, trying to hold back the choked sobs he felt inclined to let out, “I think you should go…I’ll see you at work tomorrow, okay?”Ryan had never been the one to suggest Shane head home, even when it was close to midnight and they had to get up early the next morning. He’d wait it out, hoping Shane would skip the short drive and pass out with him on the couch. He’d revel in the opportunity to study the man’s face without having to remind himself to look away, to shove him when he snored too loud, to allow his fingers to softly brush the hair out of the man’s face. Right now if Shane stood in front of him for another minute Ryan swore he would throw up on his shoes, so he opens the door for him and watches for a little too long as Shane walks out and down the short flight of stairs to the parking lot.As soon as Ryan closed the door he sank down against it, and if he wasn’t so miserable he’d laugh at how cliche this was. Like a bad scene in a movie he and Shane would crack jokes about as they sat a little too close on his large couch.
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Shane didn’t know yet if time was helping him understand his feelings for Ryan Bergara, but he was definitely hyper aware of them. He could feel himself staring, his gaze becoming softer and more focused. He caught himself wondering how Ryan could be so patient, how the man who had the same ability to wait for anything as a child on Christmas morning was able to keep himself from screaming out his feelings every second like Shane wanted to. Every time Ryan looked at him in a special way that felt reserved for him, Shane wanted to grab his face and kiss him. He was growing more and more frustrated by this school girl crush, almost wishing he could never think of it again and reset his brain back to normal. Regardless, he was leaning into the concept of being in love and that meant that the next time Ryan Bergara would hear him talk about love would be during a true crime shoot for unsolved. “Love will make you do crazy things,” Shane decides, not offering more of an explanation for why a seemingly normal woman would snap and kill someone.“I thought you didn’t believe in love, big guy,” Ryan taunts with a grin, looking into the camera in amusement.“I’m warming up to the idea. It’s certainly more likely than demon possession, I’ll tell you that.”“All I’m saying is that it would explain her sudden change of behavior! It’s strange that this lady would suddenly experience a mental break to the extent of murking this man!” Ryan argues, hoping the blush of his cheeks could be passed off as his face turning red with annoyance.“People said she loved the guy, maybe she couldn’t deal with him getting engaged to another woman,” Shane tries his best to reason, to focus on his argument rather than the blush on Ryan’s face or their legs pressing together under the table, “If I can’t have you, then no one ever will!”“If I became best friends with someone else would you kill me?”Shane plays into the bit, his face falling serious as he stares intensely into the camera, “Don’t even joke about that… You don’t want to know what I’d do to you or the fella that thinks about stealing the title of Ryan’s best friend from me. We’re the ghoul boys! We’re bonded for life!”Despite the joke he wondered what he would do if he was gradually replaced with someone else, if Ryan found a new best friend or love interest. The thought made him uneasy, made his stomach churn in a way he usually associated with gas station hot dogs. Maybe that’s where his disconnect with love was, everyone made it seem so poetic. Maybe being in love meant experiencing a type of jealousy that reminded you of shitting your guts out after eating too many hot dogs then spending all night walking around an old building in the dark. Maybe love meant wanting to grab Ryan by the shoulders and shake him while loudly professing his feelings every time they made eye contact for a little too long. Love didn’t have to be something of fairy tales, it could be as simple as yearning for a companionship that would somehow alleviate the feelings of frustration and nausea or at least make those feelings worth it.
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Shane had been half asleep when Ryan called, insisting he come and unlock the door to his apartment. It was an ominous request, and if he was more coherent he’d make a joke about some shitty horror movie. This had happened once or twice before, Ryan having a content idea that he simply couldn’t wait to share. He loved Ryan’s company, but those unnecessary late nights were something he could live without. This time Shane was sure the man was scared, in need of his company, a cause worth losing some sleep over. Shane trudges to his front door, rubbing his eyes as he lazily undoes the lock. Before his hand even reaches the knob Ryan opens the door, shoving his way into the apartment and dropping his bag on the ground.“I’m staying here tonight,” Ryan announces, not waiting for Shane to agree before heading to the couch.“Did that ol’ place scare you that bad?” Shane asks with a chuckle, finding the behavior endearing as well as amusing, “I was sleepin’ like a baby!”Shane had gotten used to sharing a hotel room after a supernatural shoot, and he was sure Ryan had to. It helped them both feel at ease, allowing Ryan to calm down and Shane to feel as if he was protecting the man. They both secretly hated filming these near Los Angeles, returning to their respective apartments after an episode felt like sacrilege.“Make fun of me all you want, man, I’m not risking being alone if something followed me out of there,” Ryan says, grabbing a blanket from the neatly folded stack next to the couch and wrapping it around himself tightly.Shane chuckles and shakes his head, fighting back a yawn, “Goodnight, Ryan.”“You’re not staying out here?” Ryan asks softly, seemingly embarrassed he had to ask in the first place.As much as Shane enjoyed their ritual of a sleepover after an investigation, he still made sure Ryan knew when it was time to shut up and let him get some rest. He had little tolerance for anything that kept him from a good night's sleep, even if it was Ryan doing so, but something about the way he asked him to stay was different. Something about the way Ryan’s scared eyes stared up at him, seeming so small and vulnerable made Shane melt. He could lose a little more sleep, as long as it meant Ryan felt at ease.“Well move over,” Shane gives in, grabbing another blanket before getting comfortable on the couch next to the smaller man, a content sigh slipping past his lips as Ryan shuffles closer to him.Ryan had fallen asleep quickly, leaving Shane alone with his racing thoughts. He stares at the man next to him, allowing himself to carefully run his fingers through thick black curls. A smile tugs at his mouth when Ryan leans into his touch, the worry still evident on the sleeping man’s face seeming to be alleviated.After months of uncertainty, everything was suddenly crystal clear. Right now with a scared Ryan asleep next to him, his form only illuminated by the moonlight peeking in through the blinds, Shane knew he would be crazy not to believe in love. A type of love that could be poetic at times, messy and confusing at others. They’d laid like this hundreds of times over the years, the thought that it surpassed best friend behavior never really crossed Shane’s mind, but this time felt different. Being in love made everyday experiences feel unimaginably different. The idea of love transcending time still seemed stupid, but Shane would be damned if he didn’t die loving Ryan Bergara. When he recalled their conversation from months prior, Ryan saying Shane knew where to find him, he wondered if the man simply meant by his side and not in the apartment near 3rd Ave like he’d originally assumed. Ryan was the only ghost Shane knew, following him wherever he went, haunting him and challenging every belief he thought he held. If this wasn’t something so important he’d make jokes about Ryan brainwashing him or manifesting that Shane would fall in love with him, but he knew that this had lied dormant for years.