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“Do you want me to call someone?” Abby asked her colleague, tentatively. It wasn't like Abby herself could even think of who that would be; she knew Kerry had been adopted, that her parents were no longer around, that she had no siblings. She thought that something may have gone on between Kerry and Sandy Lopez —that firefighter from the 38th, was it?— but could only actually vouch for the existence of the relationship she’d observed between Drs. Weaver and Legaspi a couple years back, one that had come to a premature end she was certain.“No, it’s, I-” Kerry could not quite bring her sentence into being. You’re the only one that matters, she couldn’t bring herself to say. “...I just need a little time alone. Can you cover for me?”Abby couldn’t help but feel a little taken aback; her department chief asking her to cover her tracks. It felt illicit; although having a medical emergency while at work was far from it, and the nature of said emergency far for made up for the lies the nurse would have to tell. Of course she would do it, that went without saying; afterall, she’d always had a fondness for Kerry, one she was reluctant to show in front of most of her colleagues. There were plenty of those around the emergency department who didn’t often appreciate Kerry's management style.And although Abby herself had fallen into that category from time to time, on the whole she highly respected Kerry, particularly given her boss was a queer and disabled woman making her way through the straight-man dominated leadership structure at County General. And to that, Abby felt she could relate, to some extent. You cannot choose what you are borne into; be it a body, a family, or a sexuality. Even solely within her role as chief of the ER; Kerry’s assertiveness had certainly not always been appreciated or understood…although it was kind of a turn on.Abby blinked.Kerry? Really?But she couldn't ignore that stirring sensation she got between her thighs. Abby's attraction to women in general was less of a surprise— Richard had always caught her eyeing up the women around the room whenever they’d go out for dinner (although he had assumed it was the other men she’d been keen to ogle. Abby decided in retrospect it was likely anyone but her husband).So maybe I am bi? she asked herself; rhetorically in that she didn’t really need to answer the question —no maybe about it.She sighed, letting the time she bode from exhaling the air clear her mind and sentiments.“Once I’m off I’ll drive you home.”Kerry merely nodded. “Thankyou Abby.”She’d never intended to stay the whole night.
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“…you still bleeding?” she asked Kerry, who despite being now in the comfort of her own home and sweats, was still looking as meek as the patient-in-gown Abby had found in the ER about a year ago.“Two pads since we got home,” Kerry nodded solemnly.Abby rest a hand on Kerry’s shoulder, trying to hide a smile acknowledging that Kerry had included her in what constituted home. Although some elements of their co-dependence had been, frankly, lovely, this has become a far too-often arrangement for either of their liking. Now on her third miscarriage, they were almost in routine. And although their friendship had also grown in tandem, Abby couldn't shake the feeling how she was only there as she had been the most natural fit to be there beside her; OB experience and all.They now spent almost all the dedicated time they would have spent with a partner with each other; if Abby had had the guts to come out to her, Kerry could've accurately labelled each other as queerplatonic partners. It was the stress that Kerry was putting herself through that stopped Abby from saying anything about how she may truly feel. Her desperation to have a biological link to somebody in her life was understandable; an only child of adoption, with little to no knowledge of her own ancestry. Trying to find it out had also caused its fair deal of trouble for Kerry too; neglecting her work to meet with detectives and almost being scammed in the process.In both those cases, and these, Abby's heart broke for her every time.“I don’t think I can do this again,” Kerry sighed.This had been the most successful pregnancy of the three; if something ending in such a sadness could be assigned any degree of success. This time, Kerry had actually dared suggest to Abby that they go shopping for things for the nursery in the next week or so.The last sort of person to be superstitious, Kerry knew she shouldn’t be kicking herself for saying such a thing, as much as it did pain her now.“What do you mean?” Abby asked her, waiting for Kerry to return from the bathroom and sit to her side. “Lose another pregnancy. Go through all this again. Have you here another night consoling me.”“Please, you know I want to be here.” Abby’s fingers stretched out, almost reaching Kerry’s grasp before deciding against it. Even despite their growing closeness over the past year, a consoling hug between friends didn't always feel appropriate either.“I know, but I wish this would work out so you didn’t have to be.”Abby looked away, hiding the sourness of her face from her colleague. She knew what she meant, and wouldn't ever wish such a tragedy to befall her friend at all let alone again, but she couldn't stop herself from being pissed. She only needs me here on medical advice, she told herself, knowing how much it had taken for Kerry to take McNicholls’ don’t spend the night alone quite so literally. "Repeat miscarriages only increase the likelihood that this won’t ever happen for me," Kerry said, the tears no longer apparent as they had been before. All the more reason you shouldn’t be alone, Abby thought to reply.Never personally having felt the need to reproduce, Abby usually blamed her own family history for that. Fear of passing things on, even if they had luckily skipped her, had been prevalent in her head since she first fully got her head around the genetics courses she’d taken. The struggles with the family around her cementing what it may mean if she ever did go down that road.With Kerry, it was the absence of any resemblance of where she came from that had given her the desire to procreate; although she would of course love any child she would hypothetically go on to parent, just as her adoptive parents had loved her. The fact that her embryos in themselves were healthy wasn't much of a reassurance; extensive screening of the sperm donor didn't help explain why she couldn't get past sixteen weeks.“You can go for another FET, can’t you?” Abby asked softly. Again, she was looking for confirmation of what she did already know over seeking out any new information.Kerry nodded, subtly. “But I meant it when I said I can’t do this again.”“What if it were someone else?” Abby whispered.Kerry’s frown of confusion displaced the sadness in her eyes.“Have you thought about using a surrogate?”
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As much as Abby tried to let Kerry continue to do what she excelled at— meticulous planning, organizing and building various items of nursery furniture —she struggled to be as passive as she knew she should be. This was Kerry’s baby: half of the genetic material; covering the costs from Abby's daily life expenses down to actually getting the embryo implanted; all wrapped in a bow complete with her choice of sperm donor in a bespoke combination that Abby already knew would scream I’m a Weaver the moment the baby exited her womb.In return for Abby’s gesture, which Kerry would absolutely not allow her to do pro bono, Kerry was paying her the equivalent of her full nurse’s salary, as well as her tuition for the next academic year. Her return to medical school, to cover the remedial courses she needed to be back on track for rotations come the fall, was also a convenient excuse to get her out of the ER before she started showing. Although Abby’s protestations had been plentiful, unless there were legitimate protestations against an eventual return to med school (which would also mean going against everything they’d talked about in the many long days and nights they’d spent together), Kerry wasn’t going to take no for an answer.“Just focus on you,” Kerry had reminded her at every appointment, every scan. “And now that you’re on maternity leave you have all this time to concentrate on getting back up to scratch for coming back to work after the birth.”And so the tables had turned. Now Kerry was spending almost every moment she wasn’t in the hospital (for work, that is) at home with Abby or accompanying her back to the hospital for her medical appointments.As she sat in her gown, waiting for McNicolls to come in, Abby would sit in silence, wondering how Kerry had swayed for her to still be even able to supervise Abby when she eventually came back to the ER on her first rotation. Frankly, how they’d managed any of this was completely beyond her; particularly given the way the rumor mill in County would run awry.Perhaps in her wisdom, Kerry had made the Dean aware of their particular flavor of personal relationship and unless Kerry had held back on some of the more intricate (read: financial) arrangements it would’ve been nigh impossible not to. But doing so would mean that, at the very least, his secretary would be aware that some nurse from the ER was acting as a surrogate for the Chief of Staff.When the HR assistant would file Maternity Leave papers for the same ER nurse, she would recognise the name, realising that she had changed the status of the same Abby Lockhart multiple times, from student and bank staff to permanent employee, as well as changing her nursing registration from RN to Nurse Manager all only in a matter of years.In a different wing of the hospital entirely, the OB secretary would see that her former colleague Abby Lockhart was pregnant, only for Dr. McNicolls to ask her not to share such a fact outside of the department.Considering all the above, it was a miracle, really, that it was only once Abby was on maternity leave that some familiar faces took it upon themselves to pay her a visit while she was visiting OB.The first familiar whoosh of the medical curtain (followed by a rushed sorry) was orchestrated by one Malik McGrath; taking advantage of transporting a post-partum patient up to be observed by Dr. Coburn following her impromptu ER delivery, not even taking the trouble to explain to Abby why he would have gone to such an extent to avoid her having just done the complete opposite.“I told you!” he said to Lydia and Haleh back down in the ER. “She was in the cubicle, waiting for McNicolls. And she was alone.””Wasn’t she with Dr. Carter until recently?” one of the newer nurses asked her seniors, who shushed her in their attempts to find out if her ex had accompanied her to the appointment.”Well, she was alone,” Malik insisted, receiving dubious looks from Jerry and Lydia alike.”Maybe it’s not our business to go asking these things,” Dr. Chen interjected, whose own experience with secretive arrangements in the same area did enough to keep them quiet, for at least the moment. “Dr. Chen, I didn’t realize we had an ER case up here today?!” Dr. McNicolls had questions upon spotting Jing-Mei skulking around the OB floor.”No, I…uh…I heard Abby Lockhart was here.”McNicolls frowned. “I don’t want to ask why you’re looking for her…””Oh, don’t worry, I’ll be very discreet. Given my own experience…”“Of course,” McNicolls nodded, warily, allowing her far-from-close colleague to continue to approach the room towards which she had previously gestured.”Dr. Chen?” a confused Dr. Weaver frowned as the blue curtain was pulled back in a flash.”Dr. Weaver, I…” Jing-Mei frowned. “I was…looking for someone else.”“One of your own patients, I would hope?” Kerry asked sternly, never before more pleased with the coincidence of the two of them covering the ER this same day; her cover neither blown by the vacant bed nor the patient chart she was holding to her chest. “If it was Abby, why was Weaver covering for her?” Susan asked, with both her wide eyes and hushed tones covering for her salacious thoughts.“Giving her some privacy, I suppose? Like she did for me…” Jing-Mei reminded her friend and colleague. “It’s not like I managed to keep my little accident fully secret from everyone, but the fact I made it so long was almost entirely down to her discretion.””And so…you think Abby’s doing the same?””Well, she may not even know who the father is. How long was there between Luka and Carter?!”Susan shrugged. “It must have been a couple months, maybe? But that all feels so long ago.”“She could’ve had a fling with one of them. Or someone else entirely…”“Right,” Susan nodded, as if she was one who could judge such a thing. Abby was changing back into her (maternity) jeans as the final slide of the curtain took her by surprise.“You could have told me,” Susan said, a slight pain in her voice as she held her arms out to her friend.“I’m sorry, told you what?” Abby frowned, in no mind to decipher what Susan may or may not have figured out.Abby had just found out the sex of the baby; choosing to know solely so that she could guide Kerry were she to make a far too brash decision one way or another when it came to buying things for the baby’s impending arrival. It was Kerry’s idea (despite having vowed to stick to neutrals when it came to décor and textiles).In reality, it was more of a ploy to make Abby feel some kind of closeness to the unborn child she carried, whether that be the right or wrong decision to have made in the long run. They had, however, successfully done most of the shopping together, managing to safely zip all over the city on the El without bumping into a single colleague or friend in the baby or maternity stores who might have questioned the nature of their shopping trip.She was amazed it was only now that the ER had finally become abuzz with the news.”You’re pregnant!? Look at you!!!” Susan hesitated a moment, her hands outstretched, before Abby relented with a soft smile and a nod and Susan was soon touching her bump.Abby smiled at her friend’s excitement for her, despite the melancholic twinge in her heart knowing the sentiments were misplaced. Knowing the question was coming, she chose her words diplomatically. “I can’t tell you whose it is,” she whispered.
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On Susan’s insistence, Abby agreed to meet her for lunch, on the proviso that they went further afield than Doc Magoo’s.“I’m buying,” Susan insisted, once Abby had pained at her order of well-done eggs on her all-day breakfast.“Good job, paying for decaf is against my beliefs,” she smirked, collapsing into her booth bench.“So…are you actually going back to school?” Susan asked her.Abby felt the faux-leather seat squelch beneath her and she struggled to get comfortable. “Yep. I’m doing a retake on neuroscience at the moment, given I didn’t get a final in before my tuition lapsed. Then back full-time from the fall.”“Are you sure? Full-time plus a baby, that’s…a lot.”Abby sighed, almost out of relief that they’d gotten to this part of the conversation. She’d been rehearsing her response in her head the entire El journey here. “The baby is not mine to keep.”Susan’s eyes widened. “Oh. It’s a–? You’re…?”Abby nodded. “A surrogate, yes.”Susan didn’t know what to say. It was a lot to put your body through at the best of times, and she knew Abby would find it that bit harder given her history.“It’s ok, you don’t have to say anything,” Abby muttered, fiddling with her napkin impatient for the food to arrive.“I know I just…” Susan couldn’t bring herself to say what she was thinking; she just hoped whoever the parents were would be able to offer Abby the support she would need. Kerry had taken nesting to the next step; single-handedly setting up not only the change table but also building the crib in one afternoon. Although it would be in the nursery for now, she was unsure on what to do when the baby did arrive. Abby had offered to breastfeed over the course of the first few weeks or so, and Kerry agreed, although she was cautious of this resulting in Abby being used as childcare when she should be focusing on getting back into the swing of things for med school.But Abby was living with her now —the basement studio was lying empty and it made the most sense for their current arrangement— and although neither of them would admit it, they were enjoying each other’s company beyond the relationship of friends–colleagues–surrogate and intended parent (whatever that was supposed to look like).On more than one occasion, Abby had awoken on the couch to Kerry rubbing the small of her back, cooking her favorite meals…it was the closest thing to living with a doting partner she had ever known.And her hormones were sending her into overdrive.
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For the first time in Abby’s life she was doing everything that made her feel like she had things together; bills were paid, papers (both news and peer-reviewed) were read on the daily, and Kerry’s step-by-step guide to keeping her houseplants alive was the only thing that structured her day (when there were no hospital appointments, birthing classes or medical seminars to attend).The things she missed, craved the most —nicotine, and well, there was nothing that drove you to want to start drinking again more than celibacy and lectures on neurology— were hardly risks when Kerry Weaver was your live-in landlady. She hadn’t even had a customary post-shift scotch since Abby had moved in.”You’re not the one who’s pregnant, Kerry,” Abby reminded, climbing the stairs up to Kerry’s living room to meet her one evening, after she once again turned down drinks after work with Susan and Jing-Mei.”You know they’re only rinsing me for gossip about you,” Kerry smirked, curling up into the corner of the sofa, poised to read yet another parenting book.“Lewis knows,” Abby whispered as she sat beside her. ”Well, she knows I’m pregnant, has done for a few weeks now.””Near the whole damn hospital knows you’re pregnant,” Kerry barked. If she weren’t smiling, Abby would’ve thought she was angry at her for interrupting her reading.Abby twiddled her thumbs, eyes shifting nervously, from looking at the blue curtains closed at the window to the pale cuffs of Kerry’s blouse. ”When do you want to tell them?”Kerry shrugged. “I’d rather wait until baby is here, no point stirring up gossip for what might not be.”Abby’s heart fell to her stomach.While she felt all the love in the world was being funnelled through her to bring this child into be, Kerry wasn’t there yet. Her pragmatism had been channeled into care for Abby, but she was putting off any connection or attachment to the baby, and indefinitely so, it would seem.But Abby was well into her second trimester; all genetic screening had come back negative. Her friend had been hardened by loss.”Come here,” Abby reached out to her, taking her hands into her own. “You, Kerry Weaver, are going to be a wonderful mother. And this baby is going to live a wonderful and fulfilling life.” She wrapped Kerry’s hands around her small but growing belly.”You can’t know that,” Kerry said, a tear lingering like the improbability of happiness in her own outlook on her life.”I can,” Abby whispered, pulling Kerry closer, their foreheads touching. “You are a beautiful, intelligent, and successful woman. And you are going to be a wonderful mother.”Their lips met with a soft kiss.
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Abby had barely slept.It wasn't the first night she'd spent endlessly trying to talk herself around to facing the day that lie ahead. The obvious thing to do was to start the following day as though nothing had happened; afterall, she’d never intended for anything to happen —she could always blame her own hormonal state if she needed to. But the part of her that had been longing for something, anything, to happen between her and her boss was still buzzing from the small but sticky contact their lips had made. She'd been trying her hardest not to appease those other urges pertaining to lips and stickiness.She eventually dragged herself out of bed, nodding to her all-sorts-of-complicated companion who sat reading her daily fill of journalism. “Decaf is in the pot with the green handle,” Kerry muttered to Abby, barely lifting her eyes from the page as Abby shook her head in response to one of the worst night’s sleep she’d had since moving in.“It always is,” Abby smirked, hoping this would be the only small talk that Kerry would make. She pushed a chair back, leaving enough space for both bump and outstretched legs to fit between her seat and the table, then collapsing into it.“I’m on the late shift tonight,” Kerry added, barely looking up from her Tribune.“...I know Kerry, you are all week.” Abby paused another moment, giving Kerry a last chance to address the elephant in the room before she did —the vow she’d promised herself to finally make it to sleep sometime around the early hours.“It’s going to be unseasonably cold, for May…”“—Kerry are we going to talk about that kiss?” Abby interrupted abruptly.Kerry peered above her newspaper. “I’m sorry?”“You can’t have chosen to pretend it didn’t happen, have you?”Kerry took a long sigh, beginning to fold her paper. “I was hoping we both had…”“Kerry, I…” Abby tried to begin, mustering up her courage. “I’m actually really glad it happened.”“You are?” Kerry paused a moment, her hand moving up to her face. “Right, because we need to re-establish some boundaries...”“No, Kerry, please, look at me.” Abby scooted closer to her so she could take her hand.“It was just a kiss, Abby…”“But it wasn’t just a kiss, was it? It didn't happen in a vacuum. Are there not feelings there? We do things, everything, as partners. You look after me far better than my damn husband ever did.” Abby knew as soon as she said it that neither of their ex-husbands were exactly a positive benchmark.“You’re carrying my baby, Abby. It’s the least I can do.”“What if I want it to be more?” Kerry watched Abby in confusion of not knowing what more she was asking for. “You…you actually wanted to kiss me?”Abby held her bump as she paced back and forth across the kitchen. “I really care about you.” Kerry's eyes met hers. “You know I care about you too. But you're not gay...are you? At least you never said anything, back when the whole thing with Kim and I was ongoing.”Abby sighed. “I think I'm bisexual, but I haven’t ever done anything to be sure of that.”Kerry stood, propping herself on the table to move and meet her. “I don't need any proof, Abby. I already ruled out that it was me who initiated the kiss. I just didn't want this to all be...untrue. To who you are, I mean.”Abby stopped as Kerry held her face. “If you agree...let's see if we can try make something of this.”Abby nodded.
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Abby peered between her tired eyes, noting that it was definitely past dusk. She tried not to move Kerry as she got up from the bed, leaving the redhead to sleep —she never did quite get enough of it.
“I was comfy with you there,” a tired voice teased Abby as she closed the curtains.
“Sorry, I wasn’t sure if we were…” Abby began. “I mean, I can still stay downstairs…”
Kerry sat up and rubbed her tired eyes before reaching to switch on the lamp on the nightstand. “I understand if you still want your own space, that’s more than fine by me,” she yawned, reaching for her glasses. “Just don’t feel like I’m kicking you out of bed if we’re otherwise spending the night together…”
“Well, I wouldn’t say we’re quite there yet.”
Abby smiled. She was so taken with how Kerry had delved into their new status as one-step-beyond-dating*, that she almost forgot that this baby was soon due to arrive and flip this new normal on its head, too.
* saying living or having a baby together was far beyond where they were, no matter how true to life it was, given how they’d gotten here.
“Can I stay a bit longer?” Abby asked, almost tongue-in-cheek as she gave Kerry a mischievous look.
Kerry tapped the space on the bed beside her and Abby climbed onto the bed butt-first, before swivelling her legs over and lying on her side.
“You know, I didn’t ever think kids were on the cards for me,” Abby whispered, stroking Kerry’s hair as she shuffled closer to her bump.
“I thought that too…”
“You did?” Abby asked, the animated Great Dane-esque tone of surprise in her voice likely startling Kerry a little, to the extent that she sat up and shuffled up to Abby’s level. “Which part?”
“That kids were not meant to be…I didn’t think things would ever happen. I’m still not quite convinced, you know.”
“Don’t say that…we’ve come so far.”
“And still so far to go.”
Kerry shrugged.
“But even if…if things don’t work out with us, I’m glad you were able to have this time with baby, before she arrives.”
Kerry’s ears pricked up. “She’s a girl?”
Fuck.
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“Abby, are we having a girl?”
“You’re having a girl, Kerry.”
Kerry stopped stroking Abby’s arm. She’d been putting this off for some time; thinking about what Abby’s role would be in raising this baby. What they’d already agreed felt uncertain as ever —did Abby want to breastfeed an infant whose mother she was dating?
“I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have said it like that…” Abby murmured.
Kerry wanted to reassure her that no, she was right; Abby was supposed to be focusing on med school. But she couldn’t bring herself to say as much.
Kerry watched her as she stood up from the bed, brushing her hair from her face, knees bending at the weight of her bump.
“Would you like to take a bath?” Kerry asked her. There was only one tub, the one in Kerry’s bathroom. Call it what it was; a pathetic attempt to keep her up here.
“Sure, thanks,” Abby forced a smile. Her eyes followed Kerry to the bathroom, watching as she turned on the faucet. “I’m sorry, babe, I didn’t mean to be so blunt.”
“No, you’re right, I’m getting ahead of myself. I’m sorry.”“No, I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have let slip so easily.”Abby stepped towards Kerry, leaning in to plant a kiss on her cheek. “Will you join me?” she walked her fingers up Kerry’s arm. “Benefits of a corner bath, still somehow room for two of us even though I’m the size of a whale.””You must be the sexiest whale I’ve ever seen,” Kerry smirked.“You want to?” Abby raised an eyebrow.Kerry bit her lip in a way that did little to hide her yes ; having already surprised Abby with her quick adaptation to their being lovers more than just friends; to the extent that they'd been laying together in the bathtub long enough that Abby was beginning to feel a bit of a chill.“Want to...?”Abby raised an eyebrow. They'd just spent far longer naked in each other's presence than ever before, and Kerry hadn't really been able to keep her hands off of her ( although for the most part this stayed within limits of kissing her bump and inhaling her breasts as they embraced.)Abby smiled, allowing Kerry’s hands to take hold of her full breasts. “In all seriousness, we don’t have to…not until after the six weeks, if that makes it easier. If we start now and then we have to stop…”“But by then I’ll have my hands full with other things,” Kerry began, “…diapers and bottles and…speaking of…would you…do you think you’d like to continue to breastfeed? So long as we’re together?”Abby nodded. “I think I’d love that.”The biggest joy for Abby wasn’t necessarily her continued involvement with the baby, so much as Kerry making plans for once baby arrives that involved her. Being able to provide something so vital for the baby’s first steps into their world made Abby all the more grateful that she’d offered this gift to someone she not only highly respected, but to someone she loved, and who loved and was grateful to her in turn.“I’d obviously not want it to get in the way of med school, so you can pump and I’ll cover night feeds and all that.”Abby nodded. “But when I am around, I can do feeds as long as you’re happy for me to.”A smirk crept onto Kerry's face. “…is this where I can tell you that I’d be excited to try some myself.”Abby made a pleasurable moan.“You’re really not making an argument in favor of your no sex idea.”“You’re sure you’re ready to give it a try?” Abby whispered. “At the very least, I would be reassured to know that you enjoy sex with me.”“There’s no risk there,” Kerry smiled.“And if I’m honest, Ker —I’d also like to find out what I’m into before I have my new un-improved postpartum pussy.” Abby found her whispering the last couple of words. “But I just hope you won’t be disappointed in future, when I can no longer feed your pregnancy kink desires...”“Stop getting ahead of yourself,” Kerry laughed. “You’re just as beautiful when you’re not pregnant, I’ve known you long enough to be able to vouch for that.”