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There was nothing I found more humiliating than doing the walk of shame on a Sunday morning. It was mainly the judgemental eyes on the subway that bored into my soul as they took in my tousled bed hair and last night's now rumpled clothing. This morning was particularly bad. My hangover was awful and my entire body ached from head to toe from last night's very vigorous misadventures. "Ugh!!" I groaned as I stepped inside my apartment. I could hear Sebastian moving around in the kitchen. The smell of bacon wafted into the hallway. It made my stomach churn and I gagged."Kurt?" He called. "Is that you?""Yeah Seb," I yelled back dashing to the bathroom, where I violently emptied my entire stomach contents into the toilet.Sebastian stood in the doorway laughing. "Rough night Killer? Who was he? Did you end up with the red head or the blonde?""Neither," I groaned flushing the toilet. "It was the brunette from by the bar.""Hmm," Sebastian sighed. "He was cute, I guess but he marked you. What was his name?I shrugged, checking my neck and frowning. "Jamie maybe or Jordan, I dunno. Does it matter?""Don't you think it should?" He asked. His tone strange."What's wrong Seb?" I asked as I put the toothpaste on my toothbrush. "What do you think is wrong Kurt?" He questioned sadly.I shrugged making vague eye contact with him in the mirror as I brushed my teeth. "That's the third guy this week," he frowned."So what?" I spat. "So I'm worried about you. Tell me you're being safe," he sounded concerned."I'm not stupid," I glared rinsing my toothbrush and putting it away."Then stop acting like you are," he snapped at me."Back off Sebastian," I glared. "Now get out. I want to shower.""You used to invite me in, not kick me out," he looked hurt. "We were so in love. What happened to us Kurt?""I still love you Sebastian," I mumbled."Were you loving me last night while Jamie or Jordan or whoever was inside you?" He teared up. "Was he good Kurt? Was he better than me? Did he make you scream like I can?""Don't do that. You started this Sebastian. I proposed and you said you weren't ready. You said maybe we should see other people." I screamed at him. "I'm not seeing other people. I haven't touched another man since the first time I kissed you Kurt. You know that," he brushed the tears from his cheeks with back of his hand."I know," I nodded. "But you said no Sebastian. You broke my heart.""So now you're retaliating by breaking mine? It wasn't because I don't love you. I've always loved you. I was scared Kurt.""I was afraid too Seb," I sniffled."Please stop," he pleaded. "Stop with the other guys. Move back into our bedroom. Please forgive me. It's killing me Kurt." He reached for me but I pulled back. I desperately wanted to scream yes because I was so so deeply in love with this man but I couldn't do it with some random guy's stench all over me. "I need to shower," I reminded him.He nodded sadly backing out of the bathroom. "I love you," he whispered emotionally as he closed the door behind him."Me too baby," I mumbled after him.
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Freshly showered and dressed but still looking and feeling like death, I was riddled with remorse and guilt as I joined Sebastian in the kitchen. He was seated at the table, an empty plate before him and a cup of coffee in his hand. I could see from his red puffy eyes and tear streaked cheeks that he'd been crying. It broke my heart that I'd reduced him to this."Are you done punishing me now?" His voice was weak."I wasn't punishing you," I lied."Kurt? Come on. That's exactly what you were doing. When you asked me out last night, I thought you wanted to be with me but then you spent the entire night making out with other guys before going home with some slut. I don't think you even noticed when I left," he looked up at me broken."I noticed..I noticed that you didn't fight for me, that you didn't want me. You didn't step in and say "hey he's mine," and drag me away.""Maybe I'm not sure right now that..that you are mine," he stumbled emotionally over his words."I've always been yours Sebastian. Always. Just ask Jeff. He calls us Kurtbastian. He says our names should be as fused as our hearts.""That's kinda cute, I guess but he's soppy and pathetic and I really don't care what he says. I care what you say and what you do, or more to the point who you do. You should only be doing me," his eyes pleaded as they locked with mine."I know," I murmured."Do you know how it feels to see some dirty skank's mark on the neck of the man you love? It's like a knife through my heart. I just want to slap you Kurt for being so fucking cruel."I teared up then. I knew Sebastian would never strike me, not really. Occasionally he spanked my ass during sex but it was rare. It wasn't really our thing. Passion was our thing. Hot desperate undying lust and of course love. We were desperately in love.The love was what had prompted me to drag Jeff around a dozen jewellery stores. With his help, I found the perfect ring. I made a date with Sebastian, an open air movie in the park. I bought him flowers and made us a picnic with sandwiches, champagne and chocolate covered strawberries, then as the credits rolled and we stood to leave I got down on one knee and popped the question."No," he'd replied. "You know I'm not ready for that. I think maybe we should start seeing other people."I was crushed, flabbergasted and utterly destroyed. I tossed the ring in the park trash can on the way to the car and we travelled home in silence.I moved to the spare bedroom that night and we had barely spoken since. We politely went about our lives sharing the common space because neither of us had the money or the inclination to move out. If I moved out it would officially be over between us and as hurt and angry as I was with Sebastian I couldn't let him go.Instead I took his advice and started seeing other people. Well not so much seeing, (I wasn't going out on dates,) as fucking other people. The first time had been so alien, so emotionally crippling and compared to making love with Sebastian barely satisfying but by last night it had got a little easier. Actually no that was a lie. I felt disgusting, used and totally unworthy of Sebastian now. "Maybe..maybe I should move out," I sobbed."No!!" He cried, "Please Kurt no. We can work this out. You just need to stay..I need you to stay."I slid down to the floor against the wall and buried my face in my hands as I cried.I heard his chair scrape on the tiled floor as he got up from the table and I held my breath wondering if he was leaving until I felt his arms encase me."I'm so sorry that I broke us," he wept squeezing me tight, "that I pushed you away into the beds of other men."I nestled into him, holding him as tight and close as I could. I breathed him in. He always smelt so good. He smelt like home. To me Sebastian was home. He was everything.He cupped my chin, raising my face to look at him. I knew we both looked wrecked. He leaned in slowly and kissed me. It was soft and slow and so filled with love. It took my breath away. "Marry me Kurt?" he whispered breathlessly locking our eyes."Yes," I whimpered. "God, yes!"
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My head ached violently. This entire month had been a total clusterfuck. I sighed letting my eyes fall closed as I rubbed my forehead. I have screwed everything up so badly. I'd let my fears get the best of me and I'd broken Kurt's heart and shattered my own. I'd never meant to do that. I'd been so totally blindsided by the proposal. It wasn't that I didn't intend to spend the rest of my life with Kurt or that I ever considered being unfaithful. I mean, why would I ever be unfaithful when I had Kurt Hummel? I was never going to do better. There was no man better. Kurt was stunning. Everything about him took my breath away and made my heart beat just a little faster. I was never a person who believed in true love or the concept of soul mates but for me Kurt was the one. He would always be the one. That's why I still can't understand why I'd said it. The words just rolled out of my mouth like I had no control over them. "No," I said. "You know I'm not ready for that. Maybe we should start seeing other people."Start seeing other people? What the fuck was that? I didn't even know where that had come from. I didn't want to see other people. I hadn't touched another man since the first time Kurt's beautiful lips grazed mine. I barely even looked at other men. No man was as gorgeous as my Kurt.Kurt was mine. I didn't want him seeing other guys and yet I'd said it. Looking back now I think I can recall the exact moment I shattered his heart and ruined everything good in my life. His face contorted, his eyes glazed over and I'd lost him. The walk to the car that night although less than half a mile had seemed like the longest of my life. I just tried not to notice him tossing the beautiful ring and our future together into the trash can as I concentrated heavily on just putting one foot in front of the other.I drove home. The entire distance, voices screamed in my head, cursing me out and trying to will me to apologise or at least say something to fix this mess but the steely expression on Kurt's face kept my words trapped within me. They remained unspoken. I thought maybe when we got home I'd get my chance to speak but we stopped speaking altogether after that. Kurt had stormed out of the car in a rage. He collected his pillows from our bed and moved to the guest room without speaking a single word.The silence killed me most. I knew I was responsible for it but it was terrifying. Even fighting would have been better. At least then we would have been communicating and I would have known he still cared as much as I cared. Being so physically close to Kurt and yet so emotionally detached from him was like torture for me. Waking up in the morning was the worst. Even still this morning I'd instinctively reached for him as I woke, only to once again find my bed empty. Our entire apartment was empty. I didn't cry about it as much anymore. I didn't seem to have any tears left. They say that you are only allotted so many for each person in your life and I used all Kurt's the first night he didn't come home.I'll never forget that night, not ever. It was a Friday. I'd finished work early and was in my sweats with a pizza, watching Netflix when he got home. We'd stopped sharing meals and everything but our apartment after the proposal. He didn't even acknowledge me as he slammed the front door closed and headed straight for the bathroom, with a heavy scowl on his face. It seemed to be his expression of choice lately, so I didn't say anything. I should have. I wish I had. Anything would have sufficed. "Bad day Hun?" or perhaps "Are you ok?" I knew he wasn't. I wasn't either. How could we be? But maybe if he'd just known that I still saw him he might have stayed home that night.Instead he came out of the bathroom an hour later looking hotter than I'd seen him since my grand fuck up. He was wearing a blue fitted button down that made his eyes pop and the world's tightest indigo skinny jeans. They were new. I'd never seen them before and fuck did they fit him in all the right places. I wanted to peel them off him with my teeth and just ravish him but I'd lost that privilege along with his love."Don't wait up," he'd called over his shoulder as he walked out the door. They were the first words he'd spoken to me since that night and definitely weren't the three words I longed to hear. My pizza quickly became acquainted with the living room wall as the tears fell.I believed in Kurt though and I believed in us and even though I knew out in the real world he'd have men lining up to get into his skinny jeans. He'd never cheat on me. Except it technically wasn't cheating was it? Not in the traditional sense. It had been my suggestion after all. "Maybe we should start seeing other people. Maybe we should start seeing other people!"
I was the dumbest dumbass on the entire planet. In a community of dumbasses I would easily be crowned the village idiot. For fuck sake, Other People? For me there was only Kurt. There were no other people.I cried myself to sleep that night. I hadn't done that since our family dog Bucky had died when I was 11. I cried even harder the next morning when I woke up to discover Kurt's bed unslept in. I'd found him in the kitchen. He didn't even look up. He smelt like sex, like sweat and cum and a cologne that neither of us owned. His mussed hair was full of glitter and his blue shirt was open where multiple buttons had been ripped off. He'd have never let me do that. There were also distinct bite marks on his torso, that definitely weren't from me. I was...I didn't even have any words in my vocabulary to describe how I felt. Devastated? Shattered? Crushed? Was there a word that combined all three? Devatterushed maybe? Because nothing even came close to the pain I felt. The worse part was I knew that I had no one to blame but myself. I had done this. I had pushed the best thing in my world away.
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Every day seemed worse than the next now. Some days it was hard to even breath. Kurt had gone out again last night, dressed scantily like sex on a stick. It had been the third time this week because obviously for him, sleeping with one random guy and tearing my heart to shreds hadn't been considered enough punishment.Oh fuck...As much as it ripped me apart I kinda prayed they were random guys. Please God, whom I'm doubtful I even believe in, don't let him be hooking up with the same guy and if he is please, please, please don't let Kurt fall in love with him."You should join me Sebastian," he'd suggested, as he began to get ready. It was the second time he'd spoken to me since my diabolically disastrous response to his marriage proposal. Was he asking me out?
Maybe there was hope. I went and got ready.
Usually when we went out together I just threw anything on or wore whatever Kurt told me to. Fashion was his domain not mine but tonight I was on my own, figuratively speaking and it took me forever to choose what I wanted to wear. I tried on 9 different shirts. I wanted to look perfect for him."Is this ok?" I checked when I finally joined him in the living room."Ehh," he shrugged, grunting indifferently and fuck had that hurt even when I did notice his eyes darken just a little. We left our apartment in silence and I climbed into the cab Kurt hailed. We traveled, still in silence. The tension was palpable but I couldn't come up with a single word to say so I just stared blankly out the window as Kurt played with his phone.We eventually pulled up outside a gay dance club, the classy kind if one of those truly existed and I attempted to take Kurt's hand as we approached the door. He pulled away and recognised instantly by the bouncer went in ahead of me. I sighed trying not to be offended by his deflection and checked in my jacket. Kurt was already all over some red headed guy when I stepped inside but there wasn't much I could do about that. I'd made my bed and now I had to lie in it...alone. I glared as I watched the guy cup Kurt's ass and retreated to the bar.
"He's hot huh?," A moderately attractive brunette at the bar gestured towards Kurt. "He's very popular here. Only a newbie but he never leaves alone.""I bet," I replied heart broken, watching Kurt make out with this other guy. Was that why he had asked me here? Just to rub his infidelity in my face."I'm Jordan," the brunette offered me his hand to shake. "Can I buy you a drink?" He asked smiling.I smiled back, shaking his hand. "I'm Sebastian but no thanks. I have a boyfriend. I don't want to lead you on.""I don't mind if you don't," he smirked and I cringed remembering I'd used the exact same line on Blaine Anderson once to try and coerce him into cheating on Kurt. That seemed like a life time ago."I mind," I assured Jordan, looking over at Kurt, who was now practically dry humping the ginger asshole against the wall. I knew Kurt was angry and hurt but this was just spiteful."I'll have a double bourbon straight up," I told the barman."Your loss," Jordan muttered. "I give a mind blowing rim job." He licked his lips for emphasis and I shrugged, wondering if I'd appeared this desperate when I'd hit on guys in my younger days."That'll be $15," the barman chirped happily, sitting my drink in front of me. I handed him a twenty. "Keep the change," I mumbled throwing the drink straight down. I got the instant buzz I needed to get by.When I looked around again, I couldn't find Kurt initially. My heart pounded in my chest picturing him in the bathroom on his knees for that guy, like he always had done for me when we'd gone out and the grinding had become unbearable.Why hadn't I just said yes? I knew now I wanted to marry him. I wanted to be Sebastian Smythe-Hummel, or Hummel-Smythe, Fuck I'd even drop the Smythe altogether if thats what it took to make Kurt my husband. I didn't care about the other guys, well actually that wasn't true, I was totally inconsolable but I could look past them because honestly they were my fault, not his. In my heart I knew that Kurt would never had even touched another man if I hadn't pushed him to. He'd always been proud to be with me, was always happy to flaunt our love in front of others and always generous with the PDA. He had always been so devoted. His eye never wandered.But as I spotted him on the crowded dance floor not only were his eyes wandering right then but his hands were also, over a tall, hot blonde who could easily have been Austin Butler and Jeff's love child.Kurt looked over at me then. His expression dark and unreadable. We locked eyes. Mine said "Please no." His said "Fuck you," as he slid his hand down the back of the blonde's jeans and bit into his neck.I left then. I didn't even bother to grab my jacket. I just ran out of the club without direction and kept running. Luckily it was late and there were very few people on the street as I sprinted down the pavement desperate to put as much distance between Kurt and that blonde and myself as I could. I played lacrosse. I was fit but eventually I just couldn't run anymore. The muscles in my legs were screaming and my lungs were pleading for air. I stopped and gazed around, collecting my breath. I had no idea where I was. I didn't even really care. I didn't care about anything anymore and as if this night couldn't get worse, the skys opened up with a rumble of thunder and it began to pour, torrentially."Fuck my fucking fucked up fucking life," I cursed as the third cab I tried to pull over didn't stop. Kurt never had this problem. A whistle and the snap of his fingers was all it ever took for him but people were always drawn to Kurt. Alternatively they almost always didn't like me. I was like Benedict Cumberbatch's Sherlock Holmes. I rubbed people the wrong way. I didn't mean to. It was just me. Kurt had never been deterred though. He pushed through my boundaries, knocked down my walls and totally invaded my inner sanctum both figuratively and literally. Kurt was special. He was beautiful, graceful, almost majestic. I loved him so much but he was in the arms of another guy. I gave up on getting a cab then, instead indulging my self-loathing and opting to walk home in the rain. I shivered, sheltering under an awning as I checked Google maps on my phone for directions. I should have taken the time to grab my jacket as I left the club but I wasn't going back now. I was 7 blocks from home. I sighed, new tears mingling with the raindrops on my face as I walked. I had, had everything I ever wanted. How had I screwed it up so badly?I was littered with goosebumps, drenched through to the skin and dripping all over the place by the time I reached home. My hair had fallen flat and was pasted against my forehead. The small amount of product I'd used to style it had long since run into my eyes making them sting. I had never felt so miserable.I considered just falling into bed like that with my squelching shoes and all. I'd probably get pneumonia if I did. Maybe then Kurt would take care of me and love me again or maybe he'd think I deserved it and just let me suffer much like he had tonight.As I stood in the bathroom, stripping off my soaked clothing, I wondered where he was right now. The thought was almost unbearable. I turned on the water, way too hot and hissed stepping under it. "I have to get Kurt back," I thought to myself, reaching for his shower gel and sighing as I inhaled it. Smelling part of what made Kurt smell so distinctly like Kurt. I shook my head judging myself for my desperate neediness. When had I become so impotently pathetic? This wasn't me. I didn't fall apart over some guy but then again Kurt Hummel wasn't just some guy. He was my guy. "I have to get Kurt back," I decided with the greatest determination. The problem was I had no idea how to do it. I guessed actually conversing with him would be the best place to start.
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After my shower I collapsed into bed. Despite my exhaustion I barely slept. Instead I tossed and turned listening for the key in the door. It didn't help that every time I closed my eyes I saw my boyfriend's, (Was Kurt still my boyfriend?) hand down the back of that blonde bitch's pants. I just couldn't erase the image from my mind, no matter how much I wanted to or how much it hurt. Maybe I should have let Jordan buy me a drink. I could have danced with him a little, maybe seen where it lead. He'd offered a rim job. From experience that usually lead to a quick hard fuck against a toilet cubicle wall. It could have been worse. It had been weeks now since Kurt had moved to the other room and I was beyond horny. Jordan wasn't ugly but he wasn't Kurt. I just couldn't. I wasn't ready to give up on us yet.The idea of being touched intimately by hands that weren't Kurt's felt unwelcomed and foreign to me now. He obviously didn't have the same problem. He'd encouraged those guys to touch him last night. My Kurt had never been that guy. I'd turned him into the old me. I'd broken him.
Well done Sebastian! It was light out when I gave up on trying to sleep and got up. I glanced into the other bedroom on the way to the kitchen and sighed heavily when I found the bed once again unslept in. It wasn't any easier to swallow than the first time.I put on coffee because God knew I needed it and had started to cook my breakfast of turkey bacon and eggs when Kurt arrived home. I had to laugh when I found him in the bathroom puking his guts up. It wasn't that I enjoyed his discomfort. It just seemed like karmic retribution.I felt so torn as I looked at him. I still loved him exactly the same as I had before he proposed but I didn't think he still felt the same about me. "Talk to him Sebastian," my mind screamed. "But he's covered in another man's hickeys," my self confidence replied. "You love him. You can't lose him," the initial voice reminded me and so I spoke. Turned out he'd fucked Jordan, so I guess at least one of us got that rim job. Sadly he couldn't have been more cavalier about it. He didn't even remember the desperate douche bag's name. I didn't tell him that I did or that I was certain his chose had been a malicious one made only because he'd seen me chatting to the guy. I never knew before that, that Kurt had such a vindictive side. He'd deliberately set out to hurt me. That stung so much. But then he said it, "I still love you Sebastlan." and my heart soared. I didn't retain much of our conversation after that. All that mattered was that my Kurt was still my Kurt and he still loved me. We could fix this.I left the bathroom and ate my breakfast while he showered. I knew no matter how much he scrubbed that Jordan's hickeys would remain. They were just another reminder of how badly I'd fucked up because my empty bed every night wasn't reminder enough.I was sipping my coffee when Kurt joined me. He looked terrible. Exhausted, miserable and even more pale than usual and I had done that to him. I felt so guilty about that. We started to talk, tears started to flow. He told me he'd wanted me to fight for him and he was right I should have done that but the pain and my self doubt had prevented it. I tried to explain that to him in my own words. What he suggested next was the worst. It was worse than seeing his empty bed or the shirt with the torn buttons. It was worse than recalling his hand down the blonde's pants or than those hickeys of betrayal on his neck. To me, there was literally nothing worse he could have said. "Maybe..maybe I should move out."No! No! No! No! Just no fucking way! No! I stopped breathing in that moment. My heart stopped beating. I wanted to die. I was losing him. If he moved out we were over. I had no hope of repairing us. Whether Jeff called us Kurtbastian or not we would be through.I pushed my doubts and silly pride aside and begged and pleaded with him to stay. He slid down to the floor in a puddle of tears and despair. Sobs wracked his beautiful body and I just had to hold him. It had been weeks. I missed him so much. As soon as I joined him on the floor and wrapped my arms around him I could feel the war was over. It had left both of us annihilated and broken but as we desperately clung together on our cold kitchen floor I hoped we could still salvage something from the carnage. I kissed him. I hadn't meant to but I loved him so much and it had been so long that I couldn't help it. He kissed me back. It was soft and loving and so bittersweet. Oh how I'd missed his beautiful lips. It felt like coming home.I looked into his blue melancholy eyes then and the words just poured out. I hadn't planned to say them but as I heard them I knew they were exactly right. "Kurt marry me?" It was just a whisper but it was enough. "Yes, God Yes." Kurt replied.