Work Text
The first loss happened the year Sirius’ ego got the best of him. The year his ego overtook his instinct to protect Remus at all costs. The year Remus’ trust in Sirius was broken.
~His skin rippled as it stretched to try and accommodate the change he was so used to at this point. His heart racing in his chest as his vision began to go blurry, sweat dripping down his skin. He grunted as his eyes remained locked on the door, waiting for his friends to arrive. They were never this late, never cut it this short. He started to worry that they were caught trying to leave the castle or that they were intercepted and were trying to slip away. It was getting dangerously close to the final stages and fear grew in Remus’ heart as he thought of all of the awful things that could happen if they didn’t make it on time. He squeezed his eyes shut and tried to breathe through the thoughts, another searing burst of pain making his vision go completely white behind his eyelids and he gritted his teeth to avoid screaming out. He hated seeing his friend’s reaction to his pain so he had gotten used to holding back his reactions at this point.
He heard the door swing open and a wave of momentary relief passed over him as he slowly blinked his eyes open. Although his eyesight was blurry, he could make out a familiar mop of long black hair standing in the doorway but..it wasn’t familiar, was it? It wasn’t the same. He reached up and rubbed his eyes to try and focus his vision and a choked gasp escaped his lips at the sight of Severus Snape standing in the doorway. Horror coursed through him as he saw the disgust twisting Snape’s features.
“Wh- what is this?” Snape called out, his wand raised and pointing directly at Remus.
“What are you doing here?!” Remus tried to sit up but his back protested, snapping as it started to deform. He screamed out as he fought the transformation. This couldn’t happen. Not now. It would be too dangerous, “Snape you need to leave,” Remus watched as he remained in place, confusion and fear crossing over his face, “NOW!”Snape jumped at Remus’ yell and looked around the room, taking a step back as he gripped his wand with a shaking hand. Remus’ bones snapped and he fell to the floor on all fours, his heartbeat pulsing in his ears.“Fucking RUN,” Remus screamed, gritting his teeth as he tried to fight the inevitable transformation, spit flying from his mouth as he grunted against the pain. Where were they?! Why was Snape here? How did this happen?!Remus heard Snape take a few more hesitant steps back before the wolf finally broke through and he lost control. Remus’ screams turned into a bone-shaking howl, his limbs contorting and growing as he lost all sense of himself. The only remnant of himself that remained was the fear aching in his heart as the wolf fixed its gaze on Snape trembling in the doorway.
~Remus felt his heart catch in his chest as he bolted awake in the hospital wing, gasping at the pain it caused him as he did so. He looked around, eyes wide and then down at his own body which was covered in fresh, bloodied scars. He breathed heavily as he leaned over and pulled open the curtains, trying to see if there were any occupied beds and who might be in them. His heart dropped as he saw two beds with curtains closed around them. As he began to get out of bed, he heard the familiar ‘tut’ of Madam Pomfrey beside him.“Don’t you even think about it Remus John Lupin,” She pushed him gently back in the bed by his shoulder and pulled the covers up around him again.“What happened?” He croaked out, trying to fight the tears that began forming in his eyes.“Oh, dear,” Madam Pomfrey sighed, reaching forward and stroking his hair, gently pushing across some of the fringe that was stuck to his forehead with sweat, “Do you remember anything? It was quite a nasty night for you, dearest. You weren’t conscious when I came to get you this morning.”“No, all I remember is-" Remus cut himself off as his eyes darted to the beds across the room, afraid to mention who he saw before he lost control.
“He is okay. You barely scratched him. You injured yourself more than you did either of them, as usual,” Madam Pomfrey tried to smile reassuringly but horror burned through Remus’ bones.“Either of them? Who- who was…” Remus’ voice broke as he spoke, his heart hammering in his chest as he looked across the room.“Mr Potter. He came to get Severus out. He saved his life and probably yours as well,” Madam Pomfrey spoke quietly, stroking his arm.“James?” Remus asked, horrified, “Is he okay?” He couldn’t fight the tears that finally spilled down his cheeks as he turned to look back at Madam Pomfrey.“He is fine. You managed to get a few scratches in, but he seemed to know what he was doing,” Madam Pomfrey raised a knowing eyebrow at Remus, but he couldn’t even bring himself to care about the fact that it was clear Madam Pomfrey knew about them visiting Remus on full moons.
“How did this happen?” Remus whispered, his head still reeling with confusion.
Madam Pomfrey opened her mouth to speak, a look of devastation on her face as she regarded Remus with sympathy. She tucked her lips into her mouth and brought a hand to her chest, trying to build up the courage to speak.
“Moons, you’re awake,” James’ voice broke through the tense silence and Remus’ attention instantly snapped towards his friend, wincing at the sight of him in a sling, “I’m okay. I insisted I didn’t need it, actually. Just a precaution, Poppy said,” He shot a weak smile to Madam Pomfrey who nodded and looked back at Remus.“I’ll leave you two boys to it,” She smiled and gently squeezed Remus’ arm before slipping out through the curtains.“James, what happened?” Remus asked desperately, his eyes wide with fear.“Fuck, Moons,” James breathed out, rubbing the back of his neck as he sat there tensely, “I don’t know how- it’s so fucked. I’m so sorry, Remus,” He looked back at Remus, tears in his eyes.“For fuck's sake, James. Tell me what happened!”“It’s- it’s Sirius,” James whispered and Remus’ whole body jumped into action.“Sirius? Is he okay? What happened? Did I hurt him? Fuck, where is he?!”“No, it’s- he was- he told Snape,” James whispered, breaking eye contact with Remus, “He told Snape how to get to the shack.”Remus felt his world become infinitely smaller, crumbling around him as James’ words echoed through his mind, blood rushing in his ears as he stopped breathing. Remus let out a weak cough as he lungs tried to gasp for air, shaking his head repeatedly as he refused to accept the information placed before him. Sirius told Snape? Sirius told Snape about Remus’ biggest and most painful secret. No, impossible.“Lies. Why? Why would he do that?” Remus let out an incredulous laugh, waiting for the joke to land. James winced at Remus’ laugh and rubbed his thigh anxiously.“Snape was…goading him. Throwing insults about his family, about how he was weak and nothing. Said that he would be a target for his betrayal. He- he got angry. Got spiteful. He wanted to prove his strength, prove that he wasn’t alone and that- I don’t really know, Moons. I don’t know why. I just know that it was Snape and he saw red, and he went for the throat,” James whispered out, his gaze fixated on the bed.“Oh,” Remus croaked out, the final missing pieces clicking into place and the full picture started to form in his head. Sirius never managed well with being compared to his family, it always ended badly. Remus just never expected to be used as a tool in his rage. Used as a way to prove his strength, to prove he could take Snape, to prove he could take the Death Eaters. Was that all Remus was to him? A means to an end, a tool for power, a monster at his disposal? All of the things Remus feared he would be viewed as.
“Remus…” James tried to get his attention, reaching out softly to place his hand on
Remus’ leg. Remus flinched at the touch and moved away, shaking his head as he swallowed harshly.“I need…to be alone, James,” He whispered, his head unmoving as he faced the blanket in front of him despite not actually seeing it. All he could see was all the moments he had with Sirius, all the quiet whispers of how much he meant to him, how he wasn’t a monster and Sirius could never see him like that, how Sirius loved him in the dark and hid him in the light. He should have fucking known. He should have trusted his gut and known he would never be anything more than a monster to them.
James’ muffled voice attempted to break the spiral setting in but Remus couldn’t hear him, all he could hear were the empty promises and reassurances and all he could see was Snape’s disgusted face as his body seared with pain. He sat there like that for Merlin knows how long. He knew Madam Pomfrey attempted to get him to talk, to lie him down, to eat, anything, but he was completely unresponsive. By the time he came back to his senses it was dark outside and the hospital wing was quiet. He clenched his jaw and slipped out of bed, ignoring the pain that threatened to drop him to the ground. He slipped on his shoes and began walking. Out of the hospital wing, through the corridors and up the stairs to the Astronomy Tower. He didn’t even process the steps he took to get there he just let his feet carry him. He pushed through the door and let it swing shut behind him, the cold biting through him as he slowly wandered to the window and looked down at Hogwarts around him. His eyes landed on the Forbidden Forest and he felt his heart squeeze so hard that he thought it might burst. He let out a strangled cry as he coughed through his throat closing up. Remus howled for a different reason that night and he shook as his feet stood at the very edge of the window, staring down at the Hogwarts ground looming far beneath him, his tears dripping from his face and down into the space below him. His breath caught in his throat as another strangled sob escaped his lips. How the fuck could he have done that? How could he have given up his deepest, darkest secret just to win an argument, just to get the higher ground.
Remus screamed out into the empty air around him and punched the cold stone wall beside him, his body screaming at him in pain as he punched again, and again, and again. His blood spattered against the wall as he felt the bones in his hand crunch. He let his head drop against the wall as the tears streamed down his cheeks and he inched his feet closer to the edge, the tips of his shoes moving past the edge with nothing between them and the dark space below him. His mind flashed images in quick succession of Sirius, of his smile, his laugh ringing in his ears, his hands on his body, his lips on his, the anger that flared in his eyes when confronted with Snape, the darkness that would form across his face at a comparison to his family, the impulsive stabs he would shoot in the direction of the person trying to land the killing blow. Remus tried to imagine him giving him up to Snape, he tried to imagine what he said or how he said it, what was going through his mind when he did it, but he just couldn’t. He couldn’t imagine a world where Sirius could have betrayed him so deeply like that. But there it was. That exact world. Right there around him. No escape.
One escape.Remus looked down as he inched forward again, the only thing keeping his balance was his hand that gripped the wall beside him. He felt his breath catch in his throat as the wind swayed him backwards. He let his sobs echo through the walls and back out into the night air where no one would hear them, the only evidence of his pain in the whispers of the wind that threaten to strangle him.
“Remus,” A shaky voice called out behind him, and he felt his entire body tense up at the familiarity of how his name sounded on that tongue.Remus squeezed the wall harder as he refused to look behind him, he shoulders rising up to his ears as he quietened his sobs again. He heard him take a step closer to him and he copied by stepping closer to the edge, instantly hearing a worried gasp that stopped him walking towards him any further.“Remus, please, I’m so sorry, please don’t,” Sirius choked out behind him, his voice shakier than Remus had heard it in a while.
“Don’t,” Remus growled, turning his head slightly to glance over his shoulder, “Don’t you fucking dare speak those words as if there is a single part of you that means them.”“I do mean them. I do. Please. I am so sorry. I don’t know what happened,” Sirius sobbed out, his hands outstretched towards Remus.Remus let out a sickening laugh as he stepped back away from the ledge, turning towards Sirius with fire burning in his eyes.“You don’t know what happened? You want me to tell you?” Remus growled, walking towards Sirius and not giving him a chance to answer, “You became exactly what you feared to become. Everything you fought to avoid. Everything you feared. You became exactly what you strive to destroy. You became a Black.”Sirius whimpered before him, making himself smaller under his gaze as his bottom lip quivered. Remus fought every instinct in his body to reach out and brush his lip, take away his pain, hold him close. But no, this was no longer his Sirius. He didn’t recognise the person in front of him.“You betrayed me. In the worst possible fucking way, you ever could,” Remus spat out, tears streaming down his face as his body shook with rage and pain, “I trusted you. I trusted you and what did you do in return? You took the thing I hate most about myself, and you threw it in my fucking face. You used it to win your stupid fucking petty ego contest. Well, guess what, Sirius. Well done. You won your contest. But in turn, you lost me,” Remus glared at him, disgust on his face, “I’m not going to give you the satisfaction of jumping off that ledge and letting you have an excuse to lose me. No. I’m going to stick around and you get to see my face every fucking day and remember what you did. I am going to be a living, breathing example of everything you have done fucking wrong. You will have to live with seeing me every day and not being able to talk to me, to touch me, to have anything to do with me. And if you ever feel sorry for yourself, just remember, you are the reason for all of this, you are the only one to blame,” Remus jabbed his finger into Sirius’ chest as he looked him up and down, “Actually, no, I’m also to blame. I’m to blame for ever believing I could trust you because guess what Sirius, you proved my deepest fears correct. So well fucking done. I hope you’re happy. You finally grew into your crown, oh Heir of the Noble and Most Ancient House of Black,” Remus pushed past him and ran down the stairs of the Astronomy Tower, wiping his tears from his face with a new motivation running through his veins. He would keep going, if only to be the living reminder of Sirius’ mistakes.
Remus barged through the portrait hole into the Gryffindor Common Room, his body shaking. He stumbled to the closest couch and collapsed forward, gripping the back of it to hold him upright. He breathed heavily, fighting the tears and trying to compose himself.“Rem?” Lily whispered, standing up from the small desk she was sitting at and walking over to him.At the sight of Lily, Remus crumbled. Tears spilled down his cheeks and he fell into her as he sobbed heavily, her arms wrapped around him as they sat down on one of the couches. She hummed soothing sounds into his ears as he gripped onto her for dear life, the only safety he could find at that moment was in her arms, against her chest, within her words, tucked tightly in her soul where nothing or no one else could get to him.
It took Remus a long time to talk to Sirius again, to even look at him. Eventually his love for him overtook his pain and while he never fully forgave him, it was too painful to not have him in his life and punishing him wasn’t worth it anymore. Sirius was the air in his lungs and while it burned like the cigarettes Remus had grown dependent on, the sweet taste of him was more than worth the burn.
~
The second loss happened 6 years later.
~It was sunny when Remus heard the news. He thought it was a sick joke that it could be such a glorious day while the world was crumbling around him. While he felt his heart turn to dust in his chest as he listened to the dodgy, static-y radio that he had propped on his desk that you would have to smack three or four times for it to actually work, something he had been planning to fix for a while but would go on broken forever, just like him.
Remus screamed like he never screamed before, not even on full moons. He screamed and he wailed and he begged to the universe to bring them back. To bring back the lives they once had and to restore the one good thing he had left in this pathetic wasteland of an existence. He lost his sun, his fire, and his earth all in one moment, one single, devastating moment. James, Lily, and Peter, all gone in the blink of an eye. Dead at the hand of his star who finally burned too bright and scorched those around him. He felt his own world burn at the edges in the aftershock of Sirius. Felt the sting of pain on his skin as he sat in the wreckage, unable and unwilling to pull himself out of the devastation.
Remus sat in his pain for hours that bled into days that bled into weeks. Then that pain turned into rage, white, hot blinding rage. It ravaged through him from the inside out as he tried to comprehend how Sirius could have betrayed them. He could understand Sirius betraying him, tossing him to the side and deeming him too much effort. Finally snapping and seeing Remus as the monster he is again after all of these years. Of course Remus can conceptualize Sirius betraying him, he did it before. He could even stretch his imagination to see Sirius betraying Peter. Their last string of friendship snapping under the stress of the war. But Lily? Sirius always had a soft spot for Lily. Always ready to pounce at anyone who dared hurt her. And James? That was something that Remus couldn’t wrap his head around. Not in a million lifetimes would Remus ever predict that Sirius would betray James, his heart, his soulmate, his brother. Although maybe Remus was just too blind to see that if Sirius could betray one brother, it wouldn’t be long before he betrayed the other. After all, stars live billions of years, but even they can’t escape the inevitability of destroying those around them.
Remus was bitter and angry for twelve years. Twelve years of punching walls and smashing glasses. Twelve years of nightmares and screaming, of ashtrays piled high with cigarette butts smoked in the early hours of the morning when the insomnia hit at its worst. Twelve years of anger at himself that he could never truly hate Sirius Orion Black. How could you ever truly hate the person who carved their way into your bricked off heart and made you feel things you had never felt before. Remus Lupin could never find it in himself to hate Sirius Black because he could never find a moment that he wasn’t still desperately in love with him.
It was twelve years of torture before Harry stood in front of him and ripped his whole world apart again. Destroyed his entire world view with a name and the presentation of tattered paper that held so many memories.
Peter Pettigrew.
Remus’ cold, dead heart squeezed in his chest as realisation dawned upon him. Of course it wasn’t Sirius. He could never find enough evidence to add up to the reason that Sirius would betray James and it’s because he didn’t. How could he? James was the person he loved most in the world, it was insane to think he could ever do anything to harm him. Remus was stupid to think otherwise and because of his blind rage, he left Sirius alone for twelve years. Alone in that cold, dead place that chilled Remus to the bone at the thought of it.
For the first time in years, Remus ran. He didn’t know where he was running until the branches hit against his face and he collapsed on the familiar wet grass of the Forbidden Forest. How could he have left him? How could he have been so blind that he didn’t see the truth standing right in front of him? Pounding and yelling against soundproof glass as he closed his eyes and let himself drown in a sea of possibilities that he believed to now be gone forever. In his grief, he abandoned the love of his life, and he didn’t think he could ever forgive himself for that.
Reuniting with Sirius was one of the brightest moments in his life for over a decade of dark torment. Despite Peter escaping and Sirius having to hide from the world, Remus couldn’t help but feel lucky that he could hide away with his star. The star he mourned and believed to be dead to him forever now in his arms. They fought and screamed and kissed and fucked and blazed their way through the quiet days locked away in Grimmauld Place, a dark, desolate, abyss of a place that attempted to sap the life out of them but they persevered. Clinging on to any bit of hope they could find tucked away under years of trauma and buried emotions. It took a long time but they started to laugh like themselves again, smoke and sing and hug and dance like themselves again, finally pulling out of the shadow of their past life and stepping back into their own shoes. Despite the war raging around them, they found their own little pocket of peace with each other. Sneaking away behind closed doors like teenagers again and soaking up every moment with each other they could.
But the war couldn’t be ignored. The stakes became higher, and the Order became more demanding. They hardly had a spare moment to themselves as they dug themselves deeper into the trenches, doing anything they could to help defeat Voldemort, to help Harry. Remus knew that Sirius would do anything for Harry, would do anything to help protect the last drop of James this world may have. He wouldn’t sleep, he wouldn’t eat, all he would do was research, was fight, patrol and dig for anything he could to get rid of the evil that hung over them their entire lives. Enough was enough and Sirius would not let Harry fall to the same fate as James.
“Sirius, you haven’t slept in days. This Order mission is too dangerous. We are walking into a trap, and you know it,” Remus snapped, his eyes blazing as he grabbed Sirius’ wand out of his hand to stop him from leaving.“It may be a trap, Remus, but this is one of the most important missions the Order has done in a long time. This could be a huge turning point in the war,” Sirius growled back, stepping towards Remus.“How many times have we heard that?” Remus scoffed.“This time it’s real, though. You know it is. This is the prophecy that killed James. The prophecy that Voldemort is so scared of that he has been trying the find it for Merlin knows how long!”“And you don’t have to go! There are so many others who could go. Who are more than capable of going!”“THIS IS MY MISSION, REMUS. I DON’T CARE IF THEY TRY TO SEND EVERY OTHER ORDER MEMBER, I AM GOING,” Sirius screamed, glaring up at Remus with the heat of a thousand burning stars.“James is dead, Sirius. Going on this mission won’t save him. But it could kill you,” Remus spoke quietly, his voice cracking as his hand dropped to his side.Sirius’ rage melted off of him as he looked up at Remus and finally saw why he was so adamant on him not going. He was scared.“I can’t lose you again,” Remus whispered, swallowing harshly as he scanned his eyes over Sirius’ face.“You won’t,” Sirius smiled softly, reaching up and placing his hand on Remus’ cheek, “I’m not leaving you,” He gently slipped his wand from Remus’ hand and tucked it up his own sleeve.Remus fell forward and wrapped his arms around Sirius, squeezing him so tightly in hopes that he could merge with him, their two bodies combined into one so that they would never have to be apart again.“If you are going, I’m going,” Remus whispered, his voice shaking as he buried his face into Sirius’ hair.“Rem, you ca-"Sirius was interrupted as a flash of blue light flew into the room and Dumbledore’s phoenix patronus landed on their fireplace. The two of them looked at the blue wispy figure with wide eyes and hearts racing in their chests.“Harry has gone to the Department of Mysteries without warning. He has brought a handful of his friends with him, but word has gotten out to Voldemort. It is only a matter of time be-"Sirius’ head shot around to look at Remus and his heart dropped. This was it. Remus reached out to try and grab Sirius as he saw the thought bloom in his eyes. He yelled out to him as he apparated in a swirling pop right in front of him. Dumbledore’s words still pouring out of the phoenix as Remus cried out, running over to the coffee table where his wand was laid down and apparating instantly to try and catch up with his star. His heart beat pounded in his ears as he landed on the hard ground. Quickly looking around to get his bearings and find Sirius. His breath caught in his throat as he saw Sirius ducking down beside Harry, the other students all being held tightly by Death Eaters as other members of The Order apparated around the room and ran to save them. Remus gasped and attempted to make his way over to Sirius, his path intercepted by Jugson and Goyle as they started to shoot stunning spells at him. He screamed out, his voice drowned out by the sounds of spells being shot around the room. He fended off the spells, repeatedly darting his eyes toward Sirius as he watched him stand off against Malfoy with Harry. He knew Sirius could handle himself, and with Harry there it wasn’t a doubt that they would be fine. Malfoy was a great wizard but nothing compared to Sirius. But there was deep fear in his gut, the feeling of something terribly wrong as he stunned the two Death Eaters in front of him and scanned the room, trying to find where the other students were and where the other Death Eaters were.“Nice one, James!” He heard Sirius call out and Remus winced at the mistake. It had been clear to him for a long time that Sirius was stuck in the past, reliving his Hogwarts years with James in his daydreams and in his sleep but he could only imagine how much that would sting for Harry to hear that.
Remus looked back up towards Sirius as he watched him disarm and stun Malfoy. Remus heard a pop of noise to his left and looked over to see the dark swirling cloud of energy produce Bellatrix. Remus’ heart shattered in his chest as he saw her point her wand at Sirius and the world slowed down. Remus was too scared to scream, too stunned to do anything but run, run towards Sirius in the hopes that he could intercept the spell in time.“Avada Kedavra,” Bellatrix’s voice rang through Remus’ ears as he saw the familiar shot of green energy smack Sirius in the centre of his chest.
Remus felt all of the breath leave his lungs as he watched Sirius turn grey and stumble backwards and it was at that moment that Remus processed just how devastatingly close to The Veil Sirius was. His scream escaped in a weak gasp for air as he watched his star vanish into the space in front of him. He ran towards Harry and grabbed him just before he made the mistake of trying to follow Sirius through. He held Harry back as he screamed and shook against him, releasing all of the shouts of pain that Remus was too broken to produce.
He lost him. Again. This time forever. His life flashed before his eyes as he stared directly at The Veil, considering what it would feel like to run after him. Whether they would ever be able to find each other in that hellscape. In that lost land full of screaming souls trapped in a lonely purgatory forever. The rest of the world melted around him as his mind slowly drifted towards it and his hands loosened around Harry. He would swim through any depths of pain and torment to find his star, to see him one last time. To hold him one last time. To tell him how much he loved him. To tell him to stay.
Remus felt Harry squirm out of his arms and dart away and he was brought back to his senses. He looked longingly back at the archway one last time, silently begging the universe to bring him back. To bring his star back. He felt the shattered pieces of his heart rip his insides as they tried to claw their way out and run towards Sirius. The magnetism of his love trying to drag him towards his end.
“Why did you have to leave,” Remus breathed out quietly, his tears gently falling down his cheeks, “I had so much left to say,” He choked out before pulling his eyes from the arch and running after Harry, burying his feelings once more as he tried to ignore the biting sting of his star burning him from the inside out.
~Just as the war killed Sirius and so many more of his loved ones, it wasn’t long before its hooks found themselves in Remus too. The green sparks shooting through his veins and finally marking the last beat of his scarred and tattered heart. As he fell to the ground, he thought of his star. A small spark of hope blooming at the thought of finally being reunited with him again in the afterlife. Finally seeing his friends and getting to love Sirius without the pain and restrictions of the war. Holding tightly onto the delusion that maybe, just maybe, everyone was wrong about The Veil.He was immediately tackled into an emotional and love filled hug by James and Lily, very quickly followed by the rest of his beloved friends. He cried in their arms as he felt a piece of his soul heal finally being reunited with them.
“Where’s Padfoot?” He smiled weakly, ignoring the part of him that threatened to tell him the truth.“Oh, Moons,” Lily spoke quietly, her eyes filling with tears as she shook her head.
Remus breathed out, his irrational hope shattering at the look on all of their faces. No one ever truly knew what happened to souls once they entered The Veil but most suspected what Remus chose to ignore for two years. Two years of hoping that maybe he was wrong, maybe he would see Sirius again in death. Maybe the universe would be kind enough to allow him peace in the afterlife with the love of his life. He was a fool to think he was deserving of a happily ever after. The moon never could stop the stars from dying, it could only sit by and watch the devastation happen. Watch as one of its closest companions imploded and left dust in its wake. Pieces of its influence drifting around those who were lucky enough to witness its devastatingly resplendent existence.