Work Text
The glass slips from Henry’s fingers and shatters on the ground only seconds before his knees make contact with the floor. He doesn’t feel the shards of glass cutting through his pants and embedding themselves into his flesh. There’s a roaring in his ears and he can feel the panic attack threatening to consume him. He’s vaguely aware of Bea’s concerned voice, but he can’t make out the words coming out of her mouth. The only words in his mind are the horrid nightmare unfolding on the television screen in front of him.BREAKING NEWS: Attack On First Son and Daughter“June and Alex Claremont-Diaz were going for a run this morning accompanied by their security detail when they were attacked by an as yet unidentified assailant. The Secret Service has the attacker in custody, but has not shared any information with the press at this time. We don’t know for sure what the nature of the attack was in any great detail, only that no firearms were involved, but we do know that both Alex, and one Secret Service agent have both been seriously injured. They have been taken to Walter Reed and the condition of the First Son is unknown at this time.”Henry can feel hands on him and voices talking at him, but everything feels like it’s coming from underwater. He can’t respond, he can’t move, and he think about anything other than Alex. Alex who is in a hospital an ocean away from him. Alex, who’s in pain and He can’t get to him. Alex who could be— no, he can’t think about that. He’s going to be fine. He tries to talk himself down from the panic, but it’s not working.
“I need to— I have to—” He stammers, trying to think of exactly what he needs to do.“Henry, you need to breathe.” Bea’s stern voice cuts through the chaos of his mind and suddenly her face is directly in front of his. She’s holding both of his hands in hers and instructing him to take several deep breaths.
“I have to go,” He hears himself say.
“I know Henry. We’re going to go, but not right this second. Do you understand me?” Henry manages a weak nod as he lets Bea guide him to a chair and make him sit down.At some point, Bea must have called for help because Shaan is there now, as well as a member of the staff who is now cleaning up the shattered glass from the floor.
“Thank you Mary Anne.” Bea says once the woman has tossed the broken glass in the bin.
“Of course your highness.” She says, then hesitates for a moment. “Would you like me to bring a first aid kit? Or call a doctor?” She gives a pointed look down at the blood soaking Henry’s pants.
“A first aid kit would be wonderful, thank you. I’m not certain he would let a doctor look at him right now, so we’ll make do with that.”While Mary Anne leaves to find a first aid kit, Bea kneels down beside the chair where Henry is sitting and makes him look at her.
“Henry, I need to you to focus and listen to me for a moment alright?” He nods numbly “You are going to hold your shit together for the next hour while we get everything sorted, then you can freak out all you want on the ride over, do you understand me? I know this is fucked and awful and I can’t imagine what you’re feeling right now, but if you go tearing off to America and storm the gates of the White House, God only knows what will happen. We are going to appear as calm and collected as we possibly can, so as not to alarm what is very likely to be an entire Secret Service on high alert. I don’t even know if they’ll let you in since, officially, you’re just Alex’s friend, even if you are a Prince. I’d say we should wait until morning and until we can get an official contact through proper channels, but I don’t entirely trust you not to go running off to the airport on your own.”She looks over at Shaan, a questioning look on her face, while Henry tries to process everything she’s just told him.
“They seem to be on a full lockdown.” Shaan says in answer to Bea’s unspoken question. Henry let’s out a strangled sob and Bea rubs a soothing hand on his back while Shaan holds up a hand to stop any further questions. “But, I do have one more possible option.” He doesn’t elaborate any further, just looks down at his phone and taps it once and whoever is on the other line answers after only two rings.“I know we said we would only use our personal phones for work if it was an emergency, and I believe this qualifies as an emergency,” He says. He listens for a moment, then turns to look at Henry.
“It’s Zahra,” He tells them “She’s with the President, and she’d like to speak to you.” Henry takes the phone with a trembling hand and holds it up to his ear as if it’s bomb that could go off at any moment.
“H-hello?” He stammers. The voice that answers him is not The President of the United States, it’s just Ellen Claremont, a mother who is sick with worry for her son.“Hi honey,” She says, and something in Henry breaks at the sound of those three syllables in her thick Texas accent.
“I–is he–? Can I–?” He tries to force the questions out through gasping sobs, but he can barely form a coherent thought. It feels like the only thing keeping him from shattering into a million pieces is Bea’s hand on his back, and Ellen Claremont’s voice in his ear.
“Take a deep breath sweetheart,” She says, “We don’t know a whole lot yet, but they can tell us it’s nothing life threatening. That’s good enough for me right now.”Henry lets that sink in for a moment and he thinks he might need to just fall back down on his knees and thank whatever god might listen to him.
“That’s um— that’s good. I guess.” The tiniest amount of tension has eased now that the worst of his deepest fears are assuaged.
“Yes, it is,” Ellen says. “Now, I know that there’s not a force in the universe that will stop you from flying to DC on the first plane you can find, so I won’t bother trying to stop you. What I am going to ask you is the same thing I asked Alex when he told me about the two of you.” There’s a pause and Henry waits with bated breath. “Do you feel forever about him? Because the minute you show up at this hospital, everyone will know, and you can’t unring that bell.”------------------------------------------------The conversation with Ellen is ringing in his ears all through the flurry of packing and the ride to the airport. He’s vaguely aware of Bea dabbing at his knees and bandaging them before handing him a clean pair of pants. While she’s shuffling him out to the car, she’s talking to him about something or other, but nothing matters except that one prase. Do you feel forever about him? So simple, and yet so monumental. He didn’t ask what Alex’s answer had been, but surely it was ‘yes’ wasn’t it? It puts their conversation at the lake house into perspective now, and Henry feels like an ass for leaving like he did. At the time, he felt so sure Alex would understand that his all consuming love for Alex is the very reason he had to leave, but now he’s not so sure.He looks at all the unanswered texts that Alex sent and the missed calls and it’s only when the drops land on the screen of his phone that he realizes he’s crying.
“You’re a bloody fool Henry,” He berates himself, wiping the screen off on his pants and scrubbing his sleeve across his face. “How could I have been so stupid?” The question hangs in the air, only Bea close enough to have heard it, but she seems unsure if he wants an answer.
“You’re not stupid Henry,” She says finally. “You were scared, and you had every right to be. You were scared then and you made an impossible choice. You’re scared now, terrified, and you’re making another impossible choice.”“It’s not impossible at all really. There was only one right choice then, and I made the wrong one because I was a coward. There are so many things that I wanted to say to him, yell at him, when we talked that night on the lake. I thought he was selfish for not understanding what was at stake for me. I thought he was naive to think that everything would be fine once the election was over. But I was the one being selfish and a goddamn privileged fool.”
“What do you mean?”“Alex will always have more to loose than me, precisely because he wasn’t born into his position like I was. He told me that the reason he wants to go into politics is because there aren’t enough people that look like him and sound like him in positions of power. He told me the absolutely horrifying things people have said about both of his parents, to him and June even when they were just kids, and still I had the fucking gall to think my problems were bigger than his. What does that say about me?”“Same thing it says about me I guess,” Bea says with a sigh. “It says that we’re British royals, and we were raised in an ivory tower fed with a silver spoon and given everything we could ever want and more at the expense of hundreds of years of colonization and genocide.”
“Yes, that about sums it up,” Henry says as he runs a tired hand through his hair. “So what can I do about it? How do I fix it?” Bea takes his hands in both of hers and looks him straight in the eyes. For once he doesn’t try to avoid the eye contact.“You solve one problem at a time, starting with the one right in front of you. That’s all you can do Henry. You are prince, and with that comes privilege, and power, and influence. All of us can and should do as much good as we can and try to right the wrongs of our ancestors in any way possible. But you are still only one person, and you cannot do all of that in one night. What you can do is start by making things right with Alex. Apologize for being a privileged arse and help him in any way he needs. After that, you can decide what your next step is, together as a couple I would hope. Then you just keep solving the next problem, doing as much as you can wherever you can. One thing at a time.”“How do you always know the right thing to say Bea?” He asks. The panic that was threatening to drown him has dulled down to a more manageable bubble of nerves in his chest.
“Oh you know,” She waves a hand vaguely “They make you listen to all kinds of nonsense at rehab, but every now and then they give you a good bit of advice.” Her tone is nonchalant, but he can tell that this particular bit is more than just a some good advice.He’s fairly certain that this is the thing that keeps her going, always looking for the next bit of good she can do.”
“So what’s your ‘next’ Bea?” He asks, testing his theory, and he’s rewarded with a grateful smile and a gentle squeeze of his hand.
“Personally, I think we should all have a go at Gran again about returning the artifacts in the British Museum, but I’m open to suggestions.” There’s something else, he can tell there is, but he decides that she’ll share it with him when she’s ready.They slip into a comfortable silence after that, and Henry knows he should probably try to get a few hours of sleep, but even after Bea talking him down from the worst of his panic, he knows it would be futile to even try. Instead he pulls out his notebook, and writes. He pours his soul onto the paper, all his anger, his fears, his frustration, and his guilt. He’s not sure if he’s writing to someone or if what he’s writing will ever see the light of day, but the words have been trapped inside him for longer than he’d care to admit, and if he doesn’t get them out he’ll explode.Alex was right, of course he was. What Bea has just told him was exactly what Alex was saying that last night at the lake, about learning to take things day by day, but Henry was too absorbed in his own bloody problems to pay attention. It was something Alex had figured out all on his own, meanwhile Henry needed his big sister to spell it out for him. Now, he can only hope that he didn’t blow it all to hell by leaving like a coward without even really saying goodbye.-----------------------------------------------------------June is standing under the awning of the hospital when they arrive, looking disheveled and distraught and with a bandage covering most of her right arm. Almost as soon as Henry has shut the door to the car, she’s running at him. He engulfs her in a hug, slightly confused for a moment, then her frantic voice is whispering directly into his ear.
“I can buy you an Alex some time if you just play along. No one has to know yet.”For a split second, he’s still confused, but then he spots hears the faint clicking of several cameras coming from behind them, and he understands. He gives a slight nod right as she’s breaking away from the hug, then hesitantly accepts her kiss, keeping his arms wrapped around her. For good measure, he tucks her hair behind her ear in what he hopes is an affectionate looking gesture, and her answering smile is sad, but genuine.“Are you alright love?” He asks her, knowing that any press that can hear it will swoon, and that June is smart enough to interpret his actual meaning. Is Alex alright? She gives a nearly imperceptible shake of her head. He hopes that she means that they can’t talk about it yet and not that Alex isn’t alright. She squeezes his hand and mouths something that he doesn’t quite catch.
“It’s not as bad it looks.” She says out loud, with a choked up bravado that he knows is fake, but he’s sure it will be incredibly convincing to anyone that doesn’t know her. He gives her another kiss, this time on her forehead, and then wraps his arm around her to walk inside the hospital, followed closely by Bea, Shaan, and the PPOs.“It was some kind of acid,” June starts explaining almost as soon as the doors close behind them. She’s gesturing at her arm and talking fast, telling them the whole story without taking a single breath. “She had one of those metal water bottles and she stopped to tie her shoe I thought, but then she turned around right as we were about the pass her and she splashed it right towards Alex. I covered my face with my arm and Amy jumped in front of Alex, so he didn’t get it full on like the girl probably intended, but…”“Is Amy…?” Henry trails off, his heart clenching at the horrible possibilities.
“She’s going to be alright, but her back, arm and the side of her face are burned pretty bad.”
“Bloody hell” Bea says, then adds a few choice words for the attacker that are quite un-princesslike.
“My thoughts exactly.” June says, taking Bea’s hand and holding it like a life line.
“And what about Alex?” Henry asks. The mental image June’s recounting has created is leading him down some frightening paths about what Alex’s injuries might be. June’s face has gone tight and her eyes are immeasurably sad. Whatever mask of bravado she must have been clinging too these last several hours is shattering right in front of his eyes.“The doctors keep dancing around it, saying things like ‘it’s too soon to tell’ and I think everyone knows what they won’t say, but no one wants to call them on their bullshit because we don’t want it to be true.” Henry wants to scream, but he holds his composure, knowing that June is probably just as hesitant as the others. They walk in silence for a moment, then June seems to deflate. She stops, turns to face him, and takes his hand.
“It splashed in his eyes Henry.” There are tears trickling down her cheeks as she forces out the next three words. “Alex is blind.”
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
Nothing could have ever prepared Henry for the sight of Alex lying there in a hospital bed, and he has to shove down memories of his father’s last few horrible days. The irrational part of his brain tells him that hospitals are where people go to die, even though the rational part of his brain reminds him that Alex isn’t in any mortal danger.‘Alex is hurt, but he’s not going to die, just calm the fuck down.’ He tells himself, forcing the panic back down for the thousandth time in the last several hours.Bea squeezes his shoulder, likely to get him moving since he stopped in the middle of the doorway. She follows his halting steps inside, never taking her hand off of him. June steps around them and goes to the bedside where their mother is sitting, holding Alex’s hand in both of hers. A look passes between June and her mother, and June gives a tiny nod, then Ellen leans down and whispers something into Alex’s ear.“You didn’t have to do that,” Alex says, and he reaches out his hand, which June grabs onto immediately.“Yes I did.” She says, with a steely finality. Henry feels like his heart might burst. He’s grateful to her, and knows that it was her decision entirely, but he still can’t help the guilt he feels that she would be willing to open herself up to the scrutiny that is surely already in motion.“Is he in the room?” Alex asks, turning his head towards the door, towards where Henry is standing.Henry half expected Alex’s eyes to be bandaged, but they’re not. He can see everything, and he has the sudden urge to go tearing off to find the person responsible and give them a good punch. Alex’s beautiful brown eyes are now a cloudy grey and the eyelids and surrounding skin looks red and irritated. There are also smaller burns on his face and neck covered with some kind of ointment that glistens in the harsh fluorescent light of the hospital room. It’s like some horrible mockery of the last time he saw Alex; soaking wet from the lake with the sun glinting off the droplets in his hair and on his skin. He’d give anything to have that Alex back.“H-hello Alex,” Henry says before either June or Ellen can respond.“Henry?” He pushes himself up to a sitting position, one hand searching the empty air in the direction of Henry’s voice, trying to find him.“I’m right here,” Henry says, quickly grabbing Alex’s hand with both of his. Alex twines his fingers with Henry’s and pulls him in close.“I’m gonna give you two some time alone,” Ellen says, giving Alex a quick pat on the shoulder, then nodding to Henry before leaving the room and closing the door behind her.“You’re here,” Alex says, somehow pulling him even closer. Henry is nearly folded over the edge of the bed.“Yes, I’m here,” He says “I’m here, and I’m so sorry. I’m sorry for everything. I was a bloody coward for leaving like I did and I’m so sor–” Somehow, Alex has managed to find Henry’s mouth and clamp his hand over it, stopping him mid apology.“If you don’t shut up and fucking kiss me right now, I swear to God I’ll…” He doesn’t even finish his own sentence; he just grabs Henry’s face with both hands and pulls him in for a kiss.Time loses all meaning. It could be minutes, or maybe hours before they finally come up for air. At some point, Henry has found his way onto the bed next to Alex. They’re twined together in a tangle of limbs and sheets, and Henry isn’t so sure how far they might have gone if not for the knock on the door.“Mom probably wants to make sure we’re not doing something obscene. Technically speaking this hospital is government property. I think.” But it’s not Ellen that walks through the door, it’s a nurse, who must have been debriefed and likely made to sign an NDA, because she barely even reacts to the two of them in the bed together.“It’s time for your drops again” She says, and though she doesn’t say it out loud, her glare is enough to tell Henry he needs to move. Alex feels him moving and pulls him back down.“Stay with me,” He says.“But she’s glaring at me and I think she might kick me out if I don’t move.” Alex mutters something under his breath that sounds like ‘some prince you are’ but he lets go of Henry’s hand and lets him move off the bed to sit back in the chair beside him. As soon as the nurse gets to work though, Alex reaches towards him again and Henry takes his hand, laces their fingers together, and plants a kiss on the back of Alex’s hand.“I’m not going anywhere,” He says softly.The nurse has barely finished with the drops before a doctor comes in and starts poking and prodding too. He knows Alex is far too stubborn to ever admit exactly how painful it is, but his grip feels like it might shatter every bone in Henry’s hand. If given the choice, he would really rather not get and up close look at something like this, but sice Alex has a death grip on Henry’s hand, he almost has no choice but to watch in horror.“What exactly is that?” Henry asks after watching the doctor pull back Alex’s eyelid and he realizes that there’s actually some kind of filmy substance on the surface of his eyeball.“It’s a surgically placed membrane to restore the conjunctival surface and reduce limbal inflammation, and hopefully promote epithelial growth.”“You know, I still don’t know what any of those words mean.” Alex says through gritted teeth, echoing Henry’s thoughts. “Didn’t know what they meant before they dragged me off to put stitches in my eyeballs, still don’t know what they mean now. I would look them up myself, but…” He gestures at his face “Not exactly sure how to do that at the moment. Will you just tell me what the fuck is going with my eyes please? Is the hibernation sickness gonna wear off anytime soon?”Henry can’t help the laugh that bursts out of him and Alex smirks at his own joke while the doctor glances between the two of them looking very confused.“I don’t think he got it,” Henry says, leaning in to whisper into Alex’s ear.“Star Wars, Han Solo, carbonite” Alex says, but the doctor still doesn’t seem to get it.“Apparently that isn’t ringing a bell either.”“Oh my god get me out of this hell hole,” Alex moans, then huffs an exasperated breath. “I want you to tell me if my eyes are going to get better,” He demands. The doctor shifts uncomfortably, looking between Henry and Alex, and Henry understands what June was talking about with everyone dancing around the topic.“Oh for heaven’s sake just spit it out,” Henry says “He’s not a child.”“Thank you!” Alex yells.“Alright, fine, if you insist.”“Yes, I do.” Alex says, crossing his arms over his chest, and somehow he manages to glare at the doctor, even though he can’t actually see.“The burns to your eyes fall into the most severe classification of ocular burns. The left is a bit worse than the right, so the right one will likely show some improvement with the treatment, but even then you’re not likely to regain much functional vision.”The silence stretches out for an eternity, the weight of the doctor’s words settling over them with a heavy finality. The doctor starts back in with a list of technical terms about ‘prognosis’ and ‘other options’ and ‘long term treatment’ but Alex holds up a hand to stop him.“Are you done poking me for now?” He asks“Uh…yes, I am.” The doctor says “There will be someone in to talk about rehabilitation and–”“Please go” Alex says, cutting him off. His voice is a stony monotone that Henry has never heard from him and it’s like a knife to the gut.“I wonder if he’s like that with all his patients or if it’s just because of who his patient is.” Henry says once the doctor has left room looking like a dog with his tail between his legs. Alex lets out a tiny breath of laughter that sounds more than a little bit forced. He’s gripping Henry’s hand like a vice again, and his breathing is starting to come in short hitching gasps. It’s something that Henry is all too familiar with.Before he even realizes what he’s doing, Henry is on the bed, straddling Alex’s legs with his knees and puts his hands on either side of his face, careful to avoid the smaller burns.“Alex, I need you to take a deep breath, alright?” For a several, agonizing minutes, Alex doesn’t seem to hear him. But after Henry repeats the command and grabs both of his trembling hands, kissing them gently, he finally starts to calm down. His breathing slows down to a less alarming pace and the trembling subsides.“That’s it love,” Henry says, leaning forward to plant a tender kiss on his forehead. “You’re alright, you’re going to be alright.”“But what do I do? How do I– What if– I don’t know how to do this!” Henry’s worried that Alex is about to dive headfirst into another panic attack, so he does the only other thing he can think of and kisses him. Alex freezes for a moment, then melts into Henry’s arms.When they finally come up for air, Henry moves from where he’d been kneeling on Alex’s lap to sit beside him on the bed. Alex leans his head on Henry’s shoulder and Henry wraps his arms around him.“I can’t say that I have any sage words of advice for you,” Henry says. “It’s going to be hard and scary and painful. But you are going to be alright. Maybe not tomorrow, maybe not next week, maybe not for months or even years, but someday you will be alright. Do you understand?” Alex nods against his shoulder.“What do I do until then?” He asks, and his voice is small and scared, so unlike himself that Henry has to take a moment to compose himself.‘Now is not the time to break down sobbing like a little child.’ He tells himself. ‘Save that for later when you’re alone.’“Do you remember what you told me at the lake?” That earns him another nod against his shoulder. “You’re going to take this day by day. One step at a time and just feel what you feel. Right here, right now, and let future problems be future problems. Just solve the problem right in front of you. Alright?”“I don’t remember saying all that,” Alex says, and Henry can hear the tiniest hint of amusement in his voice. “Are you twisting my words?”“Well, I do admit to slipping a bit of an addendum onto your words of wisdom. Courtesy of my sister.”“Oh well that’s good to know. I was afraid I was going to have to admit that you came up with some genuinely good advice.” Henry looks down to see the Alex is wearing his trademark smirk.“Remind me again why I put up with you?”“Because I’m gorgeous and I make you laugh, and because you like to scandalize your ancestors in any way possible,” Alex says, but his face shifts abruptly to seriousness. “But seriously…uh…that’s…yeah thanks for that.” He pauses, fidgeting with Henry’s fingers, still twined in his. “One problem at a time huh? I guess I could do that.”“Yes, you can.” Henry says, lifting their clasps hands to kiss Alex’s fingers.The silence hang between them for a long time, and Henry is content to wait while Alex works out his next move in that beautiful, complicated mind of his. He can almost see the gears turn, and he’s not at all surprised when the request comes after several moments of deliberation.“I need to make a list,” Alex announces in a voice that sounds much more like his usual self, but then he bites his lip and asks in a much smaller voice; “Will you help me?”“Of course I will,” Henry says. He pulls out his phone and opens a blank note file. “Right now, Alex’s Problem Solving List, working title of course. What’s number one?” He asks, typing it out.Alex thinks for another long moment, then huffs an exasperated sigh.“I don’t knooooow,” He moans.“Well what do you need right now, right this second?”“Honestly, I can’t think about anything right now because I have to fucking pee!” There’s a beat of silence, then they both burst out laughing and Henry isn’t exactly sure why it’s so funny, but it is.“Well I suppose you just found problem number one then didn’t you?” He says, shoving his phone in his pocket as he stands up. He faces the bed and reaches for Alex’s hands. “Come on now, up you get.”Alex takes Henry’s hands reluctantly and swings his legs over the edge of the bed, then stands up, still holding on to Henry like a lifeline.“Don’t let go of me”“I’m won’t, but when we get to the bathroom, are planning on holding on to me in there too? I’m game if you are, but that seems like it might make things a bit unnecessarily complicated, don’t you think?” Alex lets go of one of Henry’s hands just so he can slap it.“Stop trying to make things dirty when I’m trying to be serious, that’s MY job.” He huffs “Just get me to the door of the bathroom without letting me trip over anything and I’ll figure it out from there.”Henry dutifully guides Alex to the bathroom door, as instructed, then listens to the constant and very creative string of curses Alex keeps up the entire time he’s in there.“Got it sorted then?” Henry asks when Alex finally opens the door again, looking both annoyed, but also proud of himself.“Fuck you” Alex says, but when Henry takes his arm again, Alex reels him in and hugs him so tight Henry feels like he might stop breathing. Alex doesn’t say anything, and Henry doesn’t try to say anything either, he just holds him tight, letting him feel whatever he needs to feel in that moment.
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
Henry isn’t sure how long they stand there, locked in each other’s embrace right outside the bathroom door, but he’s not going to let go until Alex does.
“I know this isn’t very ‘day by day’ of me, but if I just refuse to let go, will you stay here with me forever,” Alex asks. His voice is muffled by Henry’s shoulder, but the pain is still evident.“They’ll have to pry me away,” Henry tells him. They both know it’s a futile hope. Henry will have to go back home sooner rather than later, if only to explain his abrupt flight to the US in the middle of the night. The ruse with June will be both a blessing and a curse. It keeps him and Alex’s relationship a secret for a little while longer, but it also means he’ll have to go through the agonizing process of explaining his ‘relationship’ with June to everyone.Alex relaxes his death grip on him and reaches up to find Henry’s face.
“Don’t think you can fool me just because I can’t see you anymore, I know you’re worrying.”
“You’re one to talk,” Henry says, giving Alex a kiss on the forehead.
“Don’t change the subject,” Alex says, pulling his head back away from the kiss. “Can you at least stay until they let me go home? I want some real alone time with you at least.”
“I’ll stay until Gran hops a plane and drags me back by the scruff of my neck.”
“I’ll fight her to keep you right here with me forever,” Alex says “I’m not afraid of her.”
“You should be,” Henry says with a little laugh.He guides Alex back to the bed and they sit side by side, still holding each other close. Alex seems insistent about touch as much of Henry as he possibly can. There’s nothing sexual about it. Instead his touch is frantic, desperate in a different and far more painful way. It’s as if he has to reassure himself that Henry isn’t going to disappear; memorizing every inch of him in preparation for the inevitable day he has to leave.
“What do I do when you leave and I can’t–” Alex cuts off his own question, as if he’s afraid to say it out loud. He just goes right back to his tactile exploration of every single inch of Henry’s body, until something stops him up short.“Are your knees wet or am I imagining things?” He asks, patting them gently, his head tilted to the side.
“What are you talking about?” Henry looks down to find that, yes, his knees are indeed wet; with blood.
“What the fuck? Are you bleeding?” Alex reaches down to feel his knee again, then touches the other one too. “What the hell happened to you?”For a moment, Henry can’t even remember what happened himself, then it all comes rushing back, the memories and the pain. The broken glass back home seems like it happened to a different person. It was like he’d been in someone else’s body ever since he saw that horrible news report. Getting to Alex was the only thing on his mind, leaving no room for something as trivial as pain, but now it comes flooding back along with every other need of his body that he’s pushed to the sidelines in the last several hours.“Ah well, um….I may have broken a glass and…uh…I might have fallen on that broken glass.” Henry studders and stammers his way thorough the explanation and Alex furrows his brows and crosses his arms over his chest. He’s giving Henry the same look he gave the doctor, glaring even though he can’t actually see.
“You might have? What the fuck does that mean Henry? Either it happened or it didn’t.”Alex doesn’t give Henry a chance to respond. He just starts fumbling around on the tray table beside the bed until he finds the little remote with the call button on it.
“Now Alex, there’s no need for all of that,” Henry protests, but Alex ignores him and presses the call button anyways. Then he immediately resumes his earlier position; arms crossed and ‘glaring’ at him.The nurse arrives a few seconds later, and to Henry’s embarrassment, she’s followed closely by June and Bea.
“He’s bleeding,” Alex announces as soon as hears the door open. The nurse looks confused for a moment, then her eyes go wide when she follows Alex’s pointing finger and sees the widening stains on Henry’s pants.
“I’m fine,” He protests, but no one is listening.The flurry of activity that follows is enough to make Henry want to find the nearest broom closet and hide. Everyone is hovering and fussing over him, and the overlapping sounds are making his brain feel like mush. Alex is delighted to have found a problem to focus on that isn’t his own. June and Bea have both gone into full ‘big sister’ mode and he’s fairly certain that June at least is glad to have someone who will actually let her help. Alex won’t, but Henry is far too polite to refuse.
“Oh my god! What happened?” She asks, and Henry doesn’t bother trying to answer. He couldn’t string two words together if he tried right now. As long as he was focusing on Alex, he could push everything to the back of his mind, but now that the focus is on him, everything feels too much.“He dropped his brandy glass on the floor and collapsed on top of it when he saw the news. I tried to get him to let someone look at it before we left, but all he’d let me do is wrap it,” Bea tells them. June makes exasperated noises and they both roll their eyes at him, but also still manage to be sympathetic at the same time. June is rubbing his hand while the nurse rolls up his pants to examine the damage, and Bea has poked her head out the door of the room to ask Shaan to go and get Henry’s bag from the car. Henry tries to protest that he’s perfectly fine and that he doesn’t need to be looked at, but the nurse announces that there’s still glass in some of the cuts and that he needs stitches and no one listens to his objections after that.Several hours later, after getting poked and prodded, stitched up and bandaged, changed into clean pants, and then finally being left alone again, Henry climbs back on the bed next to Alex. His ears are ringing and his body is tingling uncomfortably with the lingering sensations.
“You loved that didn’t you,” He mutters into Alex’s thick curls where his face is currently buried, breathing in the scent of him to get rid of the antiseptic smell. “I came here to take care of you and somehow you still managed to ‘mother hen’ me.”
“It’s not my fault you hopped a plane to America with glass embedded in your knees,” Alex says with a laugh.
“No I suppose not, but you definitely used it to your advantage didn’t you.”
“I don’t deny it,” Alex says with a mischievous grin.——————————————-Eventually, Bea comes back into the room to make Henry leave so he can get some actual sleep. He has no idea how long he’s been here. It was early evening when they left England, and he thinks it might be evening in America now. The curtains are drawn and the lights have been dimmed in the room, so he’s not sure what time it is, and he doesn’t even want to look at his watch or his phone to get an answer. If he knows how much time has already passed, he’ll have to start thinking about how much time he has left before he has to go home.“I’m staying right here Bea.” He says, tightening his hold on Alex, who seems torn between agreeing with Bea because he’s worried about Henry, but also doesn’t want him to leave.
“Bea, does Henry have those awful dark circles under his eyes?” Alex asks, and Bea’s lips twist into a triumphant smile.
“Why yes he does Alex. Worse than I’ve seen them in a while actually.” That solidifies it for Alex, and he crosses his arms over his chest, breaking Henry’s hold on him.
“You need to go get some rest.” He says, and Bea makes a satisfied sound. She’s won now that Alex is on her side.“I am a grown man, neither of you can tell me what I can or can’t do.” Henry protests, but Bea just plants her hands on her hips and glares at him.
“This is what I meant by ‘I’m coming with you so you don’t do anything stupid’ Henry. You’re coming with me and June, Zahra has already gotten rooms set up for us, and we’ll come back after you’ve taken a shower, eaten something that didn’t come out of a hospital vending machine, and gotten a good night’s sleep. In that order. Do you understand me?” Henry starts to protest, but Bea holds up a hand. “It wasn’t a request, Henry. Let’s go.”He grumbles about it, but eventually, he relents, mainly because he can feel his entire body screaming at him. He’d never admit it to Bea, or Alex for that matter, but he hasn’t been this overstimulated in long time, and he’s closer to a burnout than he’d care to admit. The camera flashes when he leaves with June on his arm, still playing into the ruse, are almost too much to handle.
“You alright Henry?” She asks once the car door has closed behind them. It takes every ounce of his self control not to start shaking his head back and forth to rid himself of the lingering flashes in his eyes. Normally he’s able to regulate a lot faster than this, but he’s not normally so drained and emotionally on edge. Words aren’t coming at the moment, so he simply nods in answer to June’s question, and she doesn’t press any further.The ride to the residence is silent, and Henry is grateful to see that they’re going to some back entrance that seems to go straight to where the living area is. Zahra is waiting for them right inside the door and she takes Bea and Henry to the guest rooms. She’s given Bea the ‘Queen’s Suite’ and then directs Henry to a room right next to it.
“I figured you wouldn’t want the explosion of pink.” She tells him with a small smile.
“Bea probably doesn’t either, but she’ll survive I suppose.”Once Zahra leaves, Henry collapses onto the the bed without even pulling back the covers. He might have slept just like that, but Bea knows him too well. She knocks on the door and comes in without waiting for a response.
“What did I say Henry?” He feels a bit like a scolded child, and he definitely grumbles about it, but he begrudgingly rummages in his bag for his toiletries and heads to the bathroom for a shower.Standing under the hot water, Henry finally manages to regulate for the first time since this nightmare started. He turns the hot water on as hot as he can stand and lets it scald away the sensations of the hospital. It’s also enough of a shock to keep him from catastrophizing about Alex. He knows that the few moments of vulnerability that Alex allowed himself were only the tip of the iceberg. He knows Alex well enough by now to know that he’s probably freaking the hell out internally, but he would rather die than let anyone know that. Eventually, the dam will have to break, but there’s not much Henry can do about that. He can’t make Alex not be Alex. He just wishes it would happen before he has to go back home so he can help Alex through it.
“Day by day Henry,” He reminds himself. “You can’t solve all his problems for him.””-----------------------------------------------------Alex is allowed to go home the next day, but Henry isn’t allowed to be there. The secret service has basically locked down the entrance of the hospital for his discharge, and not even Ellen is allowed to be there. Even June or Nora’s presence at the hospital for Alex’s discharge is deemed ‘an unnecessary security risk’. From a security standpoint, Henry can understand the logic, they still don’t know who was behind the attack, but emotionally he wants to scream. He wants nothing more than to be there for Alex, but instead he’s sitting in his room, waiting for the security team to bring him home.A text from June tells him that they’ve gotten Alex from the hospital and he’s on his way here, and that she and Nora are waiting at the door of the residence to meet him. They’ll bring Alex to his room, then they can finally have some real alone time. Henry jumps up from Alex’s couch and starts pacing, counting down the minutes until finally, finally, he hears the footsteps and voices in the hallway.
“Nora, you do not need to hold onto me like that, I’m fine.” Alex’s annoyed protest is followed by a bump, and then a loud curse.
“I thought you said you were fine,” June says. Alex is still grumbling and cursing when the three of them finally appear in the doorway.
“He’s all yours Henry,” Nora says, tossing the small over night bag she was carrying onto the bed. June has a plastic bag with several bottles of medication in it that she places into Alex’s hands.
“Remember the deal we just made Alex. We’ll leave you alone with Henry until he has to go home in the morning, but you swear you will get him to read the medication instructions to you and you will take the meds and do the eyedrops or I’ll get Cash in here to hold you down while I do it for you. Got it?”
“Okay okay, I promise I’ll do the eyedrops June,” Alex says, waving the bag in her direction. She narrows her eyes at him, then looks at Henry, silently commanding him to make sure he does it. Henry nods, and only then does June finally leave the room.Alex tries to go back on his solemn word to June the second the door closes and Henry tries to take the bag of medicine from him.
“I’ll just have a look and–” But Alex doesn’t let Henry finish. He just reaches out and grabs Henry’s arms and reels him in to his body.
“I’ve got less than twelve hours before you have to go, I am not wasting it on fucking eyedrops.” It takes every ounce of self control Henry has to not give in. He gently, but firmly takes hold of Alex’s shoulders and pushes him back. Alex makes a frustrated noise in his throat as he tries to fight Henry’s hold on him.
“No, Alex”
“Let go of me Henry I’m not a fucking child!”
“Then stop acting like one,” Henry says, picking up the bag of medicine that has fallen on the floor. “You are going to let me read you these instructions and you’re going to take the medicine and the eye drops exactly as the doctor ordered, and then we can rip each other’s clothes off and make passionate love until the second I have to board my plane. Got it?”Alex just stands there in stunned silence for a few moments, speechless for once in his life.
“I– uh– okay” He stutters finally.
“Well would you look at that,” Henry says with a laugh as he’s opening the bag to read the instructions. “I finally figured out how to shut you up.”
“That was kinda hot,” Alex says, evidently he’s managed to find enough words to form a full sentence.
“Well hold that thought until we’re done with these eyedrops and then you can tell me all about how hot you think I am when I’m bossing you around.”
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
Alex is treading water, just seconds away from drowning and Henry is a life preserver, tethering him to the surface. His need for Henry is desperate and all consuming. It has to be, otherwise he would have to acknowledge the looming panic threatening to drag him under the surface. He can’t listen to the words coming out of Henry’s mouth as he reads the doctor’s instructions, so he zeros in on the sound of his voice. He can’t let himself focus on the eye drops, so he memorizes the feel of Henry’s steadying hand on the back of his head. It feels like an eternity until Henry finally pulls him in close and plants a gentle kiss on his forehead.“All done” He whispers softly, and Alex can’t stop the shaky sigh of relief that escapes him.“Finally” Alex nearly shouts, maybe a bit louder than the situation demands, but he doesn’t care.“I recorded myself while I was reading the instructions and sent it to your phone, and I lined up all the bottles so–”“Yeah yeah, whatever” Alex says, cutting him off with a desperate kiss. For a moment, it feels like Henry might try to pull away and start droning on about ‘doctor’s orders’ again, but he doesn’t. Instead, he pulls Alex in close, fingers tangling in his curls and Alex thinks he might just be able to stay afloat a little while longer.His hands are needy as he pulls Henry closer, and begins fumbling with the buttons of Henry’s shirt.“I can do it Alex”“No! I can do it myself,” He snaps, sliding the shirt down Henry’s arms perhaps a bit more roughly than he intended. Henry’s hands are grabbing the hem of Alex’s shirt, but he pushes them away and takes his own shirt off too.“So I guess we’re not ripping each other’s clothes off then?” Henry says drily and when Alex doesn’t respond, lets out a small sigh, but doesn’t protest any further. Alex knows he’s being an asshole. He knows that Henry isn’t trying to baby him, or treat him like an invalid, but the panic is building in the back of his mind like a looming tidal wave and he’s clinging on to every shred of control he has.“On the bed” Alex demands once they’ve both kicked their pants off and are standing there in only their underwear. He starts pushing Henry toward the bed, but Henry stops him gently. Something ugly flares up in his chest and he hates the words that are about to fly out of his mouth in protest even before he says them. But Henry’s tender kiss right next to his ear, and his soft whisper saves him just in time.“It’s the other way love,” Henry tells him. Shame boils up in Alex’s throat and he feels like he might be sick as Henry turns him around and starts guiding him to the bed. Both arms stay wrapped around Alex and Henry keeps kissing his neck, face, and hair the whole time, murmuring softly to him in his deep, soothing voice. “Here we are,” He says, taking Alex’s hand and placing it on the headboard.The creak of the bed tells Alex that Henry has sat down, but Alex can’t bring himself to move. His hand is frozen, motionless on the headboard, the lingering sensation of Henry’s touch mocking him.“Alex come to bed,” Henry says, taking his other hand, but he still doesn’t move. “What’s going on? You were so eager a moment ago. Did you change your mind? Do you want to talk about it?” The concerned tone in Henry’s voice makes Alex want to scream.“Why are you being so nice to me when I’m being such a dick?” His voice sounds harsh and accusatory even to his own ears, and he has the absurd feeling of relief that he can’t see Henry’s face right now. He doesn’t want to know what pity and hurt is swimming in those blue eyes, or see the worry lines creasing his forehead.“Because you’re hurting Alex,” Henry says, and he lays his free hand on top of Alex’s where it’s still gripping the headboard for dear life and twines their fingers together.“I’m fine” He lies, and Henry knows it’s a lie too, but Alex has to be fine. He has to be, he doesn’t know how to be anything else.The tightness in his chest refuses to release and even the tender kisses from Henry, and the calm reassurance isn’t enough. In fact, it makes it worse. He wants Henry to yell at him, to be angry at him for being an asshole, because then he would have something else to focus on to keep from drowning.“Just let me go Henry!” He doesn’t know what makes him say it, and he hates himself for pushing Henry away, but he does it anyways. Yanking his hands away, he backs away and almost immediately stumbles into his nightstand. When he reaches out to catch himself, his fingers find something there, that breaks that last, final thread of control. Ice flows through his veins, then everything goes numb and the only true sensation is the feeling of his glasses in his hand as he crushes them in his fist. What a cruel joke his life has become.Alex crumples to the floor with his hand still clenched around the broken lenses and bent frames. He feels Henry’s hands on him, trying to comfort him, to help him, but Alex doesn’t want help right now. He wants to scream and fight and rage at everything and everyone, but he can’t do that or everyone else will come to his room and do exactly what Henry’s doing right now.“Just leave me alone,” Alex moans, struggling in Henry’s embrace.“I will, if that’s what you truly want Alex, but I don’t think it is.” Henry’s voice is still calm, but there’s the tiniest hint of emotion in it, like he’s trying to hold back tears. And Alex hates him, not because he won’t go, but because he’s absolutely correct. He wants to melt into Henry’s embrace and cry, but he can’t, so he does the only other thing he can think to do. He fights.They grapple along the floor for a few seconds until Henry finally lets out a ‘huff’ of frustration and physically picks him up off the floor and lays him down on the bed. Henry sits down beside him and takes the hand that is somehow still clenched around the broken pieces of his glasses and pries his fingers apart.“Alex your hand is bleeding, I’m going to get something to clean it.” Henry’s soft voice is right next to his ear. “Will you promise me that you’ll stay right here and wait for me, or do I need to take you with me?” In answer, Alex grabs the first thing his other hand can find, which ends up being the hem of Henry’s boxers.“Don’t leave me.” He begs, and he hates how pathetic his voice sounds.Henry wraps and arm around his shoulders as he stands up and they walk together to the bathroom, where Henry lifts him up onto the counter. Five minutes ago, this would have made Alex want to scream and rage at him, but it’s like all the fight has gone out of him now and he doesn’t know what else to do except let Henry take care of him. It’s not until they’re both back on the bed and Alex has his head tucked under Henry’s chin that he realizes Henry is crying. Alex reaches up to touch his face and feels the fresh tears on Henry’s cheeks.“Please don’t cry for me Henry.” Alex says, wiping the tears from his cheeks with the tips of his fingers. There’s a feeling in the pit of his stomach at the thought of Henry going home feeling like he needs to be there for Alex.“Am I not allowed to be sad about this?” Henry’s arms are strong around Alex’s body and his fingers are twirling in his curls.“I’m f–”“Don’t say you’re ‘fine’ Alex, we both know that’s not true,” Henry says, he brings his hand up to lightly tap one finger on Alex’s lips, stopping his protest before it can come. “You don’t have to be fine. You can be angry and sad and scared just like any other person would be in this situation.”“I feel like I shouldn’t be.” He says. “Thousands of people in the world are blind, millions probably, and they go about their lives just fine, so why shouldn’t I be fine with it too?” To his surprise, Henry lets out a breath of laughter and pulls Alex ever closer into his body as he plants a kiss on his curls.“Yes Alex, there are millions of blind people in this world who live full and wonderful lives, but do you think that none of them ever had to deal with grief at one time or another just like you are right now?”“That’s not grief, not like…” He trails off, not wanting to say what he was actually thinking.“You mean it’s not like someone died?” Henry asks. Curse him and his fucking mindreading skills. Alex gives a vague shrug and Henry lets out a long sigh. “Grief takes many forms and while it’s not the same as losing a love one, this is still a loss Alex, and it is okay to grieve for it.”Alex isn’t quite sure what to say to that. He’s never thought about grief in those terms before, as something that applies to more than just someone dying. Something that is far more abstract and imprecise that he previously realized.“I don’t know if I know how to do that,” he says, and his voice sound scared and hollow.“Do you want to talk about it?”“No, I don’t want to think about it, I just want to–” He trails off, not sure what he wants. The only things he really wants are his sight back and for Henry to stay, but he can’t have that. “Just hold me. Hold me and don’t ever let me go please.”“Of course,” Henry says, immediately wrapping his arms around Alex. He burrows back into Henry’s chest, trying not to think about the fact that it’s a promise that He can’t keep.Henry has to leave and go back to London to deal with the fallout of his late night flight to the States, while Alex has to stay here and learn how to be blind.“I hate this,” Alex says, his face pressed into Henry’s shoulder. He still hasn’t allowed himself to cry, even after all of that, he still can’t admit how close he is to letting the tears fall.“I know,” Henry’s hands have been rubbing nonstop circles on Alex’s back and shoulders for the past hour or so, and Alex doesn’t know what he’ll do when they stop.---------------------------------------------He doesn’t know how long it’s been since he fell asleep, but Henry’s soft touch and low whisper pulls him out of his sleep. Alex blinks his eyes open and for a moment, he thinks that it’s still nighttime, but then the events of the past few days come rushing back to him and he remembers. He tightens his grip on Henry’s body, as if he could keep him there by sheer brute force, not that Alex has much of that.“Please don’t go,” He begs“I’m sorry Alex,” Henry murmurs into his hair. “I don’t want to, but I have to go. Shaan says the plane is waiting and Gran has informed me that I am to meet with her as soon as I touch down.”“Call me?”“Of course, Alex. I’ll call you as soon as I can, and then maybe we can figure out the rest of this whole mess.”“Your Grandmother isn’t going to lock you in a tower or something is she?” Alex asks, trying for a joke, but it feels hollow and halfhearted even to his own ears.“I’m not sure,” Henry says with a humorless laugh. “She’s not happy, but honestly, when is she ever, so it will probably be fine. But don’t worry about me, you just focus on taking care of yourself, alright?”“I’m fine” Alex insists, feeling a bit like a broken record, but he still can’t let himself think about the looming days and weeks stretching out in front of him where he’ll have nothing to do except try to learn how to be a blind person. He doesn’t want to do that. Surprisingly, Henry doesn’t try to call him on the lie, he just pulls him into one last desperate embrace.Too soon, Shaan knocks on the door and tells them it’s time. Henry pulls away and gives Alex one more kiss.“I’m sorry,” He says. Alex can hear the quiver in Henry’s voice, and even without seeing it, he knows those bottomless blue eyes are full to the brim with tears. He wants to say it’s okay, that he’s ‘fine’ and reassure Henry so he won’t worry, but Alex doesn’t have the strength for the lie anymore. He can feel himself sliding back under the surface of the water as Henry slowly breaks away until they’re only holding hands, then touching fingertips, then nothing.Fear boils up in Alex’s throat. He’s lost at sea now, and he can’t even watch Henry’s back retreating down the hallway away from his room.“Henry!” He calls, trying not to sound so terrified, but he doesn’t think he succeeded.“Alex?” His voice comes from far away, and it’s followed by footsteps coming back towards him. Henry’s hands are on him again and he holds tight, probably too tight, but he doesn’t care.“Your Highness, I’m terribly sorry, but we really must be going.” Shaan’s voice has more emotion in it than Alex has ever heard in all the time he’s known him, and somehow that’s worse than hearing Henry’s shaky, tear filled voice.“I know Shaan, just give me one more moment,” Henry says, and then both of his hands are gripping one of Alex’s hands, and placing something into it. “Wear this while I’m gone,” He whispers into his ear.“Is this your signet ring?”“Yes, and I want you to wear it so you can have a piece of me with you always.”Henry’s final kiss feels like it holds the weight of the entire world, and Alex can feel the tears on his face, but this time when they part, he’s not quite drowning anymore. The sound of Henry’s footsteps retreating still feels like a knife to the gut, but Alex brings his own hand up to his lips and kisses the ring that now sits on his little finger. It’s not Henry, but maybe, just maybe it will be enough to keep his head above the waves for now.
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
Alex wakes up aloneHe’s not sure when he went back to sleep after Henry left, but apparently he didn’t even bother to pull the covers back up because he’s shivering slightly when he wakes up with one hand still clutching the smallest finger of his other hand where Henry’s ring now sits.Once again, he has to take a moment to remember when he blinks and finds the same cloudy nothingness instead of seeing his room. He sits up and swings his legs over the edge of the bed, but he doesn’t stand up. This has been his room for over three years, and even though he never thought of it as home, it’s still his room, but it’s never felt more foreign that it does right now. It occurs to him that he could just lay back down, he doesn’t even know what time it is, but he also has to go to the bathroom.“One problem at a time Alex.” He tells himself and slowly stands up. His heart is racing as he takes one step, then another, not sure exactly which direction he’s going, but he hopes it’s towards the bathroom. It takes a few more steps before his outstretched hands touch something that turns out to be the couch. After navigating around it, he wracks his brain to remember the layout of his room, which shouldn’t be as difficult as it is, but it’s not something he’s ever had to think about like this before.“Come on Alex, you’ve gone to the bathroom in the middle of the night before.” He mutters under his breath, taking a few more steps, and then a few more until he finally reaches the TV and the entertainment center it’s on. The bathroom is to the right of it, so he’s made it.But of course, pride goes before a fall, because once he’s done in the bathroom, he has to decide if he’s going back to bed or if he’s doing something else. Normally he would pace, and that’s what he tries to do, but he only makes it a few steps before he’s banged his shins on the coffee table in front of his couch. The string of curses and the sound of his body crashing into the table brings a knock on the door and Cash sounds professional as always, but there’s a hint of concern in his voice.“You alright in there Alex?” He asks. “Do you need me to come in?”“No! I’m fine!” He shouts, biting back another string of curses as he rubs his shin, which is probably going to have a nice bruise soon, if it doesn’t already.He finds the edge of the couch before standing up, holding on to the fabric of the cushion as he stands, then he sinks down onto it and drops his head in his hands. What now? Normally he would scroll on his phone or watch the news while he has his morning coffee, but he can’t scroll on his phone if he can’t see it, and he doesn’t have a clue where the tv remote is and he’s not interested in banging any other parts of himself against the furniture trying to look for it. He’s not even sure if it’s morning right now.“Hey Cash” He calls out.“Yes?”“Could you um…could you tell me what time it is?”“It’s a little past 10:00 am.” A tiny bubble of panic in his chest swells and then bursts immediately. Normally that would mean he is super late, but he doesn’t have anywhere to be.“Alex, are you sure you don’t need anything?” Cash asks again, not even trying to hide the concern now. If Alex were a little less stubborn, he might ask Cash to come into his room and help him find his tv remote, and maybe help him with the eye drops he knows he’s supposed to take, but he’s always been too stubborn for his own good and he’s not about to change that now.“Coffee?” He calls out, and he thinks he hears an exasperated noise from Cash, then a muffled, one sided conversation. A few minutes later, the door opens and Alex can smell coffee.“I can’t believe I lost the bet with Nora, over my own brother.” June says, her voice accompanying her footsteps as she crosses the room.“You bet Nora about me?”“Well duh, of course I did. We both knew you would call me sooner or later, but I thought you would at least hold out for 24 hours, but somehow Nora knew better.”“I hate both of you.” Alex mutters, but he accepts the mug she places into his hands and takes a long sip of coffee. “Thanks”He’s halfway through the cup when something soft hits him in the face, and after a moment of exploration, he realizes it’s a t-shirt.“Must you sit there in your underwear little brother?” June asks, and Alex thinks about trying to throw a pillow at her, but decides against it. He would probably just end up knocking over a lamp or something, and then he would have to deal with everyone reassuring him that it’s ‘fine’ and it’s ‘no big deal’ all while he tried to dissolve into the floor.Part of him wants to tell June that the only reason he was sitting there half naked at 10:00am is that he doesn’t know how to find his clothes in his drawers, let alone the piles that he’s pretty sure most of them are in. But that part isn’t a very big part, so he just checks carefully to find the tag and make sure the shirt is right side out before pulling it over his head.“So, shall we see what we have for today?” June asks, and he can hear what he’s pretty sure is the sound of a stack of magazines being tossed onto the couch between them.“Tabloid roundup?” He asks“Obviously, did we stop doing that?”“Oh um…no, I guess not,” He says, and some of his earlier anxiety eases just a bit. One of his biggest worries was that everyone would start walking on eggshells around him. It’s good to know that June at least is just going about her day as usual.“So, what have we got today?” He asks“Unfortunately not very much, and a lot of it’s about you, but not in a fun way.”“Seriously? There’s not a single bit of celebrity gossip? No new hot power couples or salacious dating rumors between the who’s who?” June is silent, and Alex can imagine the expression on her face, because there’s only one reason she would be quiet when looking at tabloids.“Come on June, spit it out? I don’t have to be able to see you to know when you’re hiding something?”“It’s just…well…” She trails off, and Alex imagines that she’s started fiddling with the ends of her hair like she always does when she’s nervous. “There is a couple in the news.”“Well, who is it then?”“It’s me and…Henry.”“Oh, well…um…that’s good isn’t it?” He tries to keep his voice level and hold back the anger he feels at the idea that the tabloids are going crazy about Henry being in a relationship, but not with him. The only difference is the gender involved, and Alex wants to scream. “That’s what we wanted. To take the focus off of me and him.”June takes his hand and rubs soothing circles on the back of it with her fingers.“I’m sorry Alex, I know you didn’t want it to be this way.”“No, it’s fine, I get it. I’m just…I hate that it has to be that way.”“I know” She says, pulling him into a hug.“Have you talked to Henry since…” He trails off, not wanting to say the words.“He sent me a text about an hour ago. He said he sent you some voice messages, but he’s not sure if you’ll be able to open them and he wanted me to play them for you.”“Oh um…okay” Alex’s eyes are stinging and he doesn’t know how to react to that. “I don’t um…I don’t know where my phone is.”“It’s probably still in your bag from the hospital. Nora put it in there for you”“Can you get it for me?” His voice feels small and something in him feels like he should resist, say he can find it on his own, but his shin is still throbbing from running into the coffee table and he’s not about to repeat that experience. He listens to the sounds of June rummaging around in the bag, and then he hears something crack.“What the fuck?” June says, and then she gasps, and he’s pretty sure he can hear a sniffle, “Oh Alex”It takes him a second, but then he realizes what she must have found. When Henry had taken him to the bathroom to clean his cuts, the broken glasses must have ended up on the floor. It’s a wonder Alex didn’t step on them himself.“Whatever you’re going to say, please just…don’t” Alex says, and there’s a long pause, but eventually, June agrees. She sits back down on the couch after what sounds like her walking in a full lap around his room, and then she puts something in his hand.“This isn’t my phone June”“No, it isn’t. It’s the eyedrops you’re supposed to take. Do you need me to do it, or are you going to do it yourself?”“Oh my god you and Henry are determined to mother hen me to death I swear.”“Well excuse me for trying to make sure you don’t end up worse off than you already are.” June huffs. “We do it because we care, and because you barely keep yourself functioning under normal circumstances, so can you blame us for being worried about you when you just got out of the hospital?”“Alright alright, fine, I’ll do the eye drops,” Alex mutters. He unscrews the cap from the little bottle, and slowly moves it up towards his eye. He pauses with it in midair with his other hand about to hold his eyelids open.“Are you sure you don’t want me to do it Alex?”“I’m fine, I was just making a plan of attack.” He’s holding his breath as he tips the bottle towards his eye, feeling both the bottle and his eyelids with his fingers. An involuntary hiss escapes him when the drop hits his eye, everything was such a blur last night he can’t remember if it stung then too.“You alright?” June asks“Yeah, I’m good, just stings a little. But hey, I’m counting it as a win that it didn’t go rolling down my face.” He manages to get the drops into his other eye too without incident and he’s feeling pretty proud of himself. Though that high goes away almost immediately when June trades the bottle of eyedrops for his phone, and he’s realizes that it’s basically useless to him now.“Do you want me to–”“Can you just go?” Alex snaps. He hadn’t meant it to be so harsh, but it’s like very tiny moment of triumph is followed by reality smacking him back down again, and he’s seriously considering just crawling back into bed and hiding from everything.“Look, I know you’re dealing with some shit, but you don’t have to be an ass,” June says. Her footsteps are moving away from him, towards the door he guesses, but then she stops. She mutters a few curses, then walks back the way she came and then, suddenly, there’s something else soft hitting his face, which turns out to be jeans.“What the fuck is this for?”“So you won’t be in your boxers for your appointment. I was going to ask if you wanted help finding some clothes, but apparently you’re allergic to letting someone help you.”“June I–” He starts to protest, but what can he say really? She’s absolutely right.The door closes behind her before Alex can even think of anything to say that would ease June’s wrath, but he knows that’s useless. June has always wanted to be the protective big sister, and Alex never lets her do it.“Sorry June” He says, even though he knows she’s not in the room anymore. He slowly pulls on the jeans she threw at him, and tries to remember what appointment he was supposed to have today. He can’t check his phone, and he can’t ask June, and he can’t call anyone who would be able to tell him, which leaves him with only one option.“Hey Cash, am I supposed to be going to some appointment today?” Alex asks through the closed door after a mildly terrifying walk across his room“You’re not going anywhere, but yes, you do have an appointment. A Vision Rehab Therapist is coming to work with you today at 1:00. You should probably eat something before that.”“Oh right, um, yeah.”“Do you want me to walk with you to the kitchens or call someone to bring you some food.”“Uh…the second one, please”When his food arrives, he eats mechanically, not even paying attention to what it is. He’s trying to remember anything about the therapist that’s coming to work with him. He vaguely remembers something about learning how to use assistive devices and someone else mention learning how to use a cane. He tries to think of himself using one of those red tipped white canes he’s seen in his mother’s powerpoints about social and civil rights issues, but he can’t. Those powerpoints were mostly about barriers to voting for various marginalized groups and how to reach them in terms of campaigns. Important information of course, but nothing that’s actually helpful to him now that he’s part of that group himself. When he’d the campaign files to research his own sexuality, it been almost exhilarating, like it explained something about himself that he already knew. Reading the word bisexual on the page, deciding that it was the right one for him, and then using it for himself felt like putting on a new suit that fit just right. This new label disabled feels ominous, uncertain, more like something that he wants to run away from, but can’t. This label didn’t give him the chance to think about it and decide if he liked it. It didn't give him time to talk it out with Nora and discuss the pros and cons. This one is his whether he likes it or not, and there’s nothing he can do about it.
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
When the rehabilitation therapist arrives about an hour later, Alex is waiting in his room sitting on his couch, feeling very apprehensive about the whole thing. The rational part of him knows that he’s going to learn important skills to help him live his life, but there’s a certain finality about it all that scares him. He has no idea what to expect, and that’s part of what’s scary, he can’t even make a list about it because he doesn’t know what to put on that list.The knock on the door sends his anxiety into over drive, and wonders if this is what it feels like for skydivers the moment before jumping out of the plane. He’d told Cash go ahead and let the therapist in when they arrived so he didn’t have to risk falling on his face trying to open the door for them. He waits and listens for the sound of the door opening, then stands, and turns to face the door, still keeping a hand on the couch so he doesn’t get lost.“Goodmorning Alex,” Says a woman’s voice, followed by two sets of footsteps coming towards him. Is that Cash? Or is someone else here?“Goodmorning, um…” He trails off, trying to remember if anyone told him the therapist’s name.“I’m Margaret Wallace, and my assistant, Natalie is also here with me. ” The woman says “It’s nice to officially meet you.”“It’s nice to meet you too Ma’am, and you too Natalie” He says, his manners overriding his apprehension. He reaches out tentatively to shake her hand, hoping he’s reaching in the right direction. For a moment, nothing happens, and he’s about to pull his hand back when he hears a voice that must be Natalie’s telling Margaret that he’s holding out his hand. A few seconds later, she’s shaking his hand. It takes him longer than it probably should to work it out.“Wait, are you blind too?”“Yes, I am, and to answer your next question, I was born this way due to a genetic condition. So, if you feel the need to make a joke about ‘the blind leading the blind’ go ahead and get it out of your system.” That startles a laugh out of him, and it helps to calm some of his nerves too, maybe this won’t be so bad after all.Once the introductions are out of the way, Margaret wastes no time in getting down to business.“Officially the first thing we need to do is the intake where we fill out all the boring paperwork, but what I like to do even before all that is discuss your goals.” She says once they’re all seated around his coffee table. He can hear the rustling of some papers and what he assumes is Natalie writing something down. There’s also a clicking noise that he can’t identify, but he files that question away for later.“What kind of goals?”“The goals you have for you life Alex. There are basic things that I teach to most of my clients like general life skills, but I need to know what you want to do with your life so I can know what you need to focus on the most.”“Oh um…well…I don’t really know what my goals are now.”“So what you’re saying is, you had goals before you went blind, but you don’t think you can achieve them now?”Alex feels a bit like he’s under a microscope, and he’s not sure how to feel about it. This woman must have been doing this for a long time if she can read him like a fucking book like this.“I um…well yeah, I guess I did have some goals before all of this…but…I don’t think they’re going to work out.”“What makes you say that?” Margaret asks, and she makes it sound like it isn’t the most obvious reason in the world.“Because it just won’t.”“Well how do you know that for sure if you won’t tell me what those goals are? Unless you were planning on getting your Pilot’s license or something, it is highly unlikely that you won’t be able to achieve whatever ambitions you previously had.”“What if I was planning to get my Pilot’s license?”“In that case you’d be out of luck, but I somehow I don’t think that was your goal at any point, so perhaps we could circle back to that rather than avoiding the subject by talking hypotheticals?” Once again, she’s managed to read him like a fucking book, and he’s starting to feel a little bit like he’s under a microscope.“Can we…I don’t know…just like, cover the basics and then go from there? I don’t know if I’m ready to talk about goals and stuff yet.”“Yes, we can do that.” She doesn’t seem phased or annoyed at his reluctance, but he can’t shake the nagging in the back of his mind that he just messed up whatever lesson she was trying to teach him.“Sorry, I’m not trying to be difficult or contrary, I’m just–”“There’s no need to apologize Alex. I’m here to help you, and while this whole process will often require you to step out of your comfort zone, I’m not going to force you out of it. That will always be your decision, okay?”“Yeah, okay.”Alright, so basics,” She says, her tone switching quickly from gentle and kind, to firm and matter of fact in an instant. “I think a good question to start off with is, what did you know about blindness prior to your injury?”“Like what kind of things?”“For example, do you know what braille is and how it works?”“I know what it is, but not how it works.”“Okay, and what about a cane, specifically the type used by blind people.”“In a very general sense I understand the basic principle of how it works.”“And what about assistive technology for things like phones and computers.”“I know they exist, I don’t know how to access or use them.”“Alright, well that’s good, we have a bit of a starting point then.” Margaret says, clapping her hands together once, then Alex can hear some kind of repeated clicking noises.“What’s that sound?” He asks, turning his ear towards it.“Ah, that is my Braillenote. It’s a device that has a refreshable braille display that allows me to take notes, read books, check my email, and so much more.” She pauses, and he can almost hear her smiling. “Would you like to take a look?”“Uh…yeah” He hesitantly puts his hand out, not sure exactly how far to reach out, and he has no idea how Margaret is going to find his hands, but then Natalie gives Margaret a description of where his hand is, and a few seconds later, the device is placed into his hands.It’s about the width and length of a small sized tablet, but much thicker, and a bit heavier than he was expecting it to be. He runs his fingers lightly along the surface of it, intrigued by the buttons.“Okay, so I’ve handed to you so that it should be facing you.” Margaret says “Closest to you, there should be a single row of braille text formed by tiny plastic prongs, can you find that?” The tiny projections feel a bit like the bristles of a fine tooth comb under his fingers, and he immediately wants to know what they mean.“What does this say?” He asks“That is a line of notes that I was writing for myself. I was making a note of the things you already know, and commenting on what I think will be the things we need to focus on first, as well as what equipment you’ll need.”“So what are the buttons at the top?” He asks, his curious fingers already exploring up towards the top where he’s found buttons that seem to fit each of his fingers with what feels like is a space bar where his thumbs are.“The buttons that match up to each finger correspond to one of the numbered dots in a Braille cell.”“What’s a cell?” Margaret laughs and for a moment Alex things she’s laughing at him, but realizes that she’s actually excited.“When I arrived and spoke with Ms. Bankston, she seemed a bit worried that you might be resistant to this, but I am delighted to find that is not the case.”“Well, that’s…fair, I guess” Alex admits, feeling rather guilty about how snippy and rude he’s been with everyone. “I can see why she would think that, and I think I was at first, but this is interesting, and after sitting in my room this morning feeling like I was lost at sea…” He trails off, not wanting to admit how scared he was, even to himself.“Learning how to adapt is scary, and it can be overwhelming, but once you do, it gives you your freedom back.”“Yeah, something like that,” Alex says. She’s read him like a book once again, but this time it doesn’t feel like he’s under a microscope, it’s more like feeling truly hopeful for the first time since this whole nightmare started. “So um…where do we start?”“I generally suggest starting with navigation and basic cane skills, and then how to use your phone. But even before all that, you need to sign your intake form.” Alex is about to ask how he’s supposed to do that, but she answers his question before he can even ask it. “Signing the form will be the very first skill you learn Alex, but first we have to fill it out.” She says brightly.“Uh…okay”Over the next few minutes, Margaret asks him a series of slightly tedious questions, while Natalie writes down his answers. When they’ve finished with all the questions, he hears the sound of footsteps coming close to him, and then there’s a light tap on his shoulder.“I’m going to hand you the paper and pen now Alex,” Natalie’s voice is right in front of him, so he holds out his hands awkwardly, hoping that he’s not too far off, and then he feels the paper and pen in them. He takes both items and then sets the paper down on the table in front of him.“How do I know where to sign?”“Hold out your hand Alex, Natalie is going to give you something else. It’s called a signature guide, and I want you to explore it, then hand it back to her so she can place it on the page. Alex obediently holds out his hand and the signature guide turns out to be a piece of plastic about the size of a credit card with a rectangular hole in it. He has about a split second of confusion and then he realizes how it must work.“So you just put this on the signature line and I can feel where to sign?”“Yes, exactly.” Margaret says, sounding pleased.“I have no idea if that resembles anything close to my name” He says once he’s finished and holds up the paper, waiting for Natalie to take it from him.“Looks pretty good,” She says once she’s taken it and the pen from him, “And you can keep the signature guide.”“Oh okay” He slides it into his pocket “Are you sure you’re not just saying that to make me feel better Natalie? Does it really look good?”“I swear I’m not lying. It’s perfect.” Alex finds that very hard to believe, but he doesn’t question her on it any further, though he does add ‘practice signature’ to the ‘to do’ list in his head.“Okay, now that we’ve got that taken care of, let’s get started.” Margaret says “Do you want to do phone skills or navigation first?”“Let’s start with the phone.”“Alright, now, do you have an iphone or Android Alex?”“It’s an iPhone.” He pulls it out of his pocket and holds it in his hand, not quite sure what he’s supposed to do with it. In the last 24 hours he’s gotten a ton of notifications, but since he can’t see the screen, it’s kind of useless to him right now.“Good, that’s what I use so I can show you how it works on mine and then we can get you set up. What you’ll be using is actually a built in feature on the phone called ‘Voice Over’ you can turn it on in your settings, or you can just tell Siri to turn it on.” She pauses as if she’s waiting for him to do something, but suddenly, a very fast, slightly robotic sounding voice starts talking.“Jesus why is it so fast? Can you actually understand that?”“Trust me, you’ll get used to it, and probably set yours even faster than mine eventually. But we’ll start slow.” He listens intently to the sound of Margaret tapping away at her phone screen for a few seconds, then the voice starts to slow down to a speed Alex can understand.“Speed reduced” It says, then “Home screen”“Okay, now I’m going to do some basic commands and explain how it all works,” Margaret tells him. “The first thing to know is that using Voice Over changes how your phone accepts commands, which is to say, you have to navigate it differently. The main difference is the double tap to select. What this allows you to do is tap on something without actually selecting it, the Voice Over will tell you what you’ve tapped on, then you can do the second tap to actually select it. Would you like to try it on my phone first or go ahead and turn yours on?”“Oh um, I guess I could go ahead and do it on mine,” Alex fidgets with the phone in his hand, somehow feeling like the most familiar thing in the world and a completely foreign object at the same time.“Alright then, go ahead and give it a try. Just activate Siri and say ‘turn on Voice Over’ then you can start playing around with it.”It takes Alex longer than he thinks it should to make sure that he’s got the phone turned the right way, the buttons are on the top ‘duh’ then he holds down the power button and waits for Siri’s chime.“Siri turn on Voice Over’” His voice sounds like a question, and he’s not sure why he feels nervous, until his phone starts talking, very loudly.“Lock Screen, Notification Center, Messages from HRH Prince Dickhead poop emoji” Alex wonders if he could somehow get himself up to the roof so he can just take a swan dive right off of it. Margaret, to her credit, doesn’t react, but Natalie has to quickly turn her giggle into a cough. It earns her a stern reprimand from Margaret.“I’m sorry, that was unprofessional,” Natalie says quickly.“Now, Alex, if it would make you more comfortable, would you like to use some headphones?” Margaret says, as if nothing has happened.“Oh well, I guess it doesn’t matter anymore now. That was my only dirty secret, just make sure I get my cut when you give US Weekly the exclusive.”“I assure you that neither of us would do anything of the sort, even if we hadn’t signed an NDA when we arrived.”“Seriously?”“Alex, I have been doing this for longer than you’ve been alive. My job demands that I work with clients who are often in the most vulnerable position they have ever been in. I was born blind, so I never knew any different, but I work with clients like you, who were fully or near fully sighted before they lost their sight. Some of them have degenerative conditions that they knew about in advance, but quite a few of them are just like you. They were sighted one day and then they weren’t. They are scared, angry, lost, and every other emotion you can think of. That is the position that I meet my clients in, and I do not take that lightly, no matter how high or low profile they are. I am teaching people how to live without their sight in a world that is built for sighted people, and it is nearly impossible for me to do that without learning about their private lives, and I will always make sure that my clients feel comfortable with me, and that they know I will never violate their privacy.”“Well yeah, it’s the law.”“Yes it is, but more than that, I need my clients to trust me or I can’t do my job. I need you to know that even without laws or NDAs, I would never share anything that I learn about your private life while I’m working with you. Do you understand.” Alex isn’t sure why, but Margaret’s reassurances have his eyes stinging with tears that they have difficulty creating. He’s not sure if it’s the dry eye the doctor warned him would come, or if it’s because he’s allergic to feelings as June calls it, but somehow he doesn’t mind.“T-thank you,” He says softly.“Of course Alex,” She says “Now, before we move on, do you have any other questions?”“Uh well yeah I did have one.”“Go ahead”“You said ‘client’ not ‘patient’? Why is that? You said you were a therapist, so shouldn’t you be calling me a patient.”“Ah yes, you are correct.” Margret says “That is deliberate. I don’t call my clients patients because my job is to teach you how to live your life, out in the world. You can’t do that if you’re still thinking of yourself as a patient. So, you are my client, or my student, whichever term you prefer.” Alex isn’t sure what to say to that, he feels strange, but not in a bad way. More like if ‘strange’ was tainted with something akin to ‘hope’. It’s like a reassurance of what Henry was telling him ‘it might not be today, but someday you will be alright’.“Student sounds good.” He says, and his voice actually sounding sure to his own ears for once since this nightmare started.
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
After Ms. Wallace and Natalie leave, Alex flops down on his couch with his phone to play around some more with the voice over functions, determined to master it before his next session. The robotic voice that was annoying at first, doesn’t sound nearly so bad when it’s reading out the messages that Henry has sent him. It also seems that Henry thought of everything, of course he fucking did, because almost all of the messages are voice recordings and not text messages.“Hello Alex, I’ve just landed and I’m about to be whisked off to see Gran. I’m sure she’s going to give me a proper scolding, but I can’t bring myself to care when my heart is still in the states with you. I love you.”“I’m finally back to Kensington. The meeting was, predictably, a nightmare, but I’ll tell you about that later. Also, Bea insisted that I report to you that I have been taking good care of myself and I went to get the cuts on my knees checked out. I know you were probably still worrying about me even though you’re the one in pain. Call me as soon as you can.”Alex knows he’s smiling like an idiot, but he doesn’t care, he just wants to reach through the phone and drag Henry back to him to shower him with kisses. It takes him a few tries to get the right button, but he lets out a triumphant shout when his phone informs him that he’s dialing ‘HRH Prince Dickhead’ He really needs to change that name.“Alex?”
“Who else would I be? You’re not cheating on me are you, because if you are, I’ll kick your ass.”
“Of course not Alex, I would never.”
“So you’re cheating and lying, because I had a little chat with June this morning and apparently you two are all over the tabloids.” There’s a beat of silence, then a long, exasperated sigh.
“Right, that.”
“Yeah, that.” Alex says, and for a moment, he’s afraid that maybe the joking was a little too much. “Sorry, that was…I shouldn’t have…nevermind…fuck that played out a lot better in my head.”
“It’s alright Alex, I know you didn’t mean anything by it.”
“So um…in your message you said you had to go talk to your Grandmother. What did she want to talk about?”“Well, she mostly wants to meet my new girlfriend.” Henry says the word ‘girlfriend’ like it physically pains him to say, and Alex wants to reach through the phone and hug him.
“I’m sorry for putting you in that position. June suggested it, and it seemed like a good idea at the time. We were so worried about what people would say if you showed up at the hospital…” He trails off, not sure what else to say. He wasn’t in much of a position to protest in the hospital, but when he thinks back over the exchange, he can’t recall if June ever even asked him before going out to meet Henry when he arrived.
“It’s alright,” Henry says, and Alex can tell from his tone that it really isn’t alright at all. “If the roles were reversed, Bea probably would have done the same thing.”“So, um…how do you want to handle the meeting with your Grandmother? Do I tell June to hop on a plane?”
“Only if you’re on that plane too,” Henry says. “I want Gran to meet my boyfriend.”
“Seriously?” Alex can feel his heart pounding in his ears, and even though Henry is saying it, he still can’t bring himself to believe it.
“Yes Alex, seriously. I’m done with cover ups. I’m done with secrets and lies, and I’m done with hiding who I am because I was too scared to stand up for myself. We’re telling Gran the truth, and whenever you’re ready, we’ll talk about coming out publicly.” There’s a pause, and Alex is about to respond, but then Henry starts babbling. “I mean, if that’s what you want of course. I wouldn’t want to make you go in front of Gran and–”
“Yes,” Alex cuts him off.
“Yes?”“One hundred percent Yes, Henry. Yes, I want to tell the truth to your Grandmother and then after the election, I want to tell everyone in the world that you’re mine.” There’s a sharp intake of breath from Henry, then a sharp, relieved sigh.
“I love you so much Alex,” He says finally, tears evident in his voice. “I’m sorry that I ever let my fears get in the way of us. And I’m sorry that it took something so terrible to finally wake me up and make me realize what a fool I was.”
“Maybe it’s for the best,” Alex says, attempting a laugh. “I was dangerously close to hopping a plane and storming the castle gates.”
“Well, that would have been a very third act romance novel of you, but I still think I would have preferred it over this.”
“Yeah, me too, but this is what we’re working with, so I guess we’ll make the most of it.” There’s a long pause punctuated only by what sounds like Henry starting and stopping whatever he’s about to say a few times.
“I’m glad–” He finally manages a few words, then starts once more. “You sound much more optimistic today than when I left.”
“Listen, no one is more surprised than I am, but yeah, I feel…maybe ‘better’ isn’t the right word, but I had my first appointment with my Rehab Therapist I have a to do list now, and it doesn’t seem quite so scary as it did yesterday. I know what my next step is.”There’s silence again, and this time it sounds like Henry might be crying, or trying not to cry.
“Hey don’t get all sappy on me Henry,” Alex says, and that earns him a shaky laugh.
“I’m sorry, I was just so worried about you when I left, and I couldn’t stop wondering if you were doing okay, so it’s just a relief to hear that.”
“I’m fi–” He starts “No, I will be fine. You were right, which is infuriating by the way, but you were right about that. So thank you for that…I guess.”
“I love you Alex,”
“I love you too,” He says, and the next few seconds of silence is just the two of them just being together even when they’re not physically together. When they finally hang up, it’s with the promise of being reunited soon.------------------------------------------------------Alex lays on his couch after the phone call, procrastinating what he knows he has to do next; talking to June. He briefly considers sending her a text message like a coward, but he knows he needs to have an actual conversation with her to clear the air after this morning, and he’s also not sure if he knows exactly how to make his phone send a text yet.
“Just fucking do it, rip off the band aid,” He mutters to himself as he drags himself up off the couch. It takes him a minute to find the cane that Ms. Wallace had given him, and another few seconds to remember the things she taught him about how to use it.Stepping away from the safety of the couch feels like diving into the ocean off of a boat, but he forces his breathing to steady and takes a few more steps, moving the cane from side to side like Ms. Wallace taught him.
“Fuck yes!” He shouts when he finds his way to the door without running into anything.
“What are we celebrating?” Cash asks when Alex opens the door and steps out into the hall.
“I didn’t bust my ass.” He says, and Cash chuckles.
“Good job kid, and where exactly are you planning to go now?”
“I’m going to practice…” He trails off, making it sound almost like a question.
“You don’t seem so sure about that.”
“I was also going to…talk to June. Is she in her room?”
“She stormed out of your room and into hers about an hour before the therapist showed up, and she hasn’t left yet, so yes.”“Shit” The cowardly part of him was hoping that she wouldn’t be in her room, but of course she’s in there, which leaves him no choice but to go and talk to her.
“Everything alright?”
“Yeah, It’s fine, I just need to talk to her and it’s not going to be a fun conversation, but I’m just gonna rip off the band aid.”
“Need any help?” He asks, putting a hand on Alex’s shoulder, ready to guide him.
“No I need to figure this out on my own, also, when I’m done talking to June, remind me to teach you the ‘sighted guide’ thing that Ms. Wallace taught me.”
“Sure thing, and just let me know if you need me for anything else,” Cash says, giving him a reassuring pat on the back.Alex reaches out to find his door frame to orient himself before taking the first cautious step towards June’s room. It’s across the hall, but slightly to the left, and if he angles his body just a bit, that should take him right to it. The movement of the cane feels weird, but he feedback as it taps the wall and the tip rolling across the floor is oddly comforting. He hadn’t expected to feel that way about using a cane, but for the first time since learning he was blind, he doesn’t feel so lost on his own.When he thinks he’s gone far enough, he switches the cane to his left hand and reaches out to find the wall with his right hand. He searches along it for a few seconds, and lets out an excited ‘whoop’ when he finds the doorframe.
“Alex?” June’s voice is accompanied with the sound of the door opening.
“You ruined my entrance June!”
“Uhhhhhhh, what’s going on? Are you okay?”
“What’s that supposed to mean? Why wouldn’t I be okay.” When she doesn’t answer, he lets out an exasperated sigh. “Well are you going to let me in or what?” He asks, and then suddenly she’s grabbing his arm and he can feel her start to pull before he yanks away from her.
“What the fuck Alex?” The anger in her voice makes his blood boil. Why is she mad at him when she’s the one who grabbed him with no warning.“Please don’t grab me like that or try to pull me along.”
“I was just trying to help.” Alex pinches the bridge of his nose and lets out a long sigh.
“This is not how I wanted to have this conversation.” He mutters.
“What conversation?”
“Can we just go and sit down so I can actually say what I was planning to say? I have a list.”
“Of course you do.” She says. He can feel her almost grab him again, but she seems to stop herself, because the touch is gone almost as soon as he feels it. “So, um…okay…yeah we can go and sit down.”
“Thank you, now, instead of grabbing me, just wait and I’ll tell you if I need you to help me.”
“Um…yeah, okay.”“Have you changed the layout of your room since the last time I was in it?” He asks after taking the few steps inside the door. He still has his hand on the doorframe, and he’s not totally sure where June is now until she answers him.
“No, it’s the same.” He nods and takes few more steps forward, sweeping his cane in a small arch as he walks, trying to remember everything Margaret told him about finding landmarks in an indoor space.He can hear June suck in a breath like she’s about to say something at least three times in the minute or two that it takes for him to find his way to her couch. Once he’s sitting down, he waits until he feels the weight of her joining him, and then the petty part of him takes over and the slowly folds the sections of the cane up, taking much longer than necessary, forcing her to wait.
“I guessing you can probably figure out what I want to talk about” He starts
“No, not really.”
“Seriously June? Don’t act like you have no clue what I could possibly want to talk to you about. I want you to stop babying me.”
“I’m not babying–”
“Let me finish June” He says, cutting her off. “Maybe babying isn’t quite the right term, but I do need to you to understand that I’m not a child who needs your help every second of the day. I might need help with some things, but that’s up to me to ask when I need help. It’s not your decision to make and you can’t just do things for me without asking if I wanted you to help or if I even needed it.”“Look, I know I might have gone a little overboard, and I was snippy this morning but–” He holds up a hand to stop her and she goes silent.
“This isn’t just about this morning June. Hell this isn’t even just about how you’ve been since this” He gestures at his face. “This is about how you’ve been for as long as I can remember.”
“What’s that supposed to me Alex?”
“I know you kind of had to ‘mother’ me a bit when were kids because mom was so busy and dad was gone, and I’m grateful to you for that, but I’m not a little 12 year old kid anymore. I’m an adult, and being blind doesn’t make me a kid again. I don’t need you to take care of me anymore.”The moment June starts crying is yet another of those very odd moments that Alex finds himself glad that he can’t see the look on her face.
“So what, do you just, not want me around anymore?” She says finally, the hurt evident in her voice.
“That’s not what I said June. I said I don’t need you to take care of me and be my pseudo mother. I want you to ask before you try to help me, and not treat me like I can’t make my own decisions. I never asked you to pretend date Henry. You didn’t even tell me what you were going to do, you just went outside to meet him and told me what you did when you came into the room with him. It was too late to do anything about it then, and I wasn’t in any position to fight you about it at the time anyways. And it’s not just me; you did it to Henry too. Sure, he was distraught and maybe not thinking completely rationally when he saw the news, but he’s not an idiot, he knew what could happen if people saw him the hospital. That was his decision to make and you made it for him. I didn’t want you to stick your neck out for me, and I can’t speak for Henry, but mom talked to him before he left England, and he was prepared to accept the consequences. It wasn’t your decision to make.”“I just wanted to protect you.”
“I know you did, but that doesn’t give you the right to decide what’s best for me without even asking first. I never asked you to move in here with me, but you did that anyways. It’s a pattern with you June, and it has to stop. I just want you to be my sister, not my second mother, not my caregiver, just my sister. If I need your help, I’ll ask, but you can’t live my life for me, and no matter how much you want to, you can’t protect me from everything. I’ll probably fuck things up and make all kinds of mistakes, and that’s kind of scary, but that doesn’t mean you can strip me of my autonomy. I have to be my own person. Okay?”For a while, the only sound is June’s quiet sniffles, and Alex wishes that he’d brought some tissues. Finally, he feels June’s hand on his, and it feels cautious and unsure, but she slowly pulls him in to a hug.
“I’m sorry Alex,” She says “I never meant to make you feel like that, I just–”
“It’s alright, I know.” He hugs her back, and for all his talk about not wanting to be treated like a kid anymore, Alex wants to curl up beside her and let her hold him like she did when they were little.“So um…by the way,” He says after a few minutes, breaking the comfortable silence they had fallen into. “I talked to Henry and he said that the Queen wants to meet his new girlfriend. You’re supposed to fly to England in three days, and I’m going with you.”
“You are?”
“Yes, and we’re going to tell her the truth. We’re going to tell her it was a ruse, and that I’m the one that’s dating Henry. We’re going to take whatever she throws at us, and whatever happens, we’re going to be together even if we have to start the Second American Revolution.”
“Are you sure about that?”
“Yes, we’re absolutely sure, and before we go, there’s something that Ms. Wallace said I need to teach you how to do.”
“What kind of something?”
“It’s like a guiding technique so I can walk with someone in an unfamiliar place. She said I should teach it to my family and anyone who might need to um…” He trails off, waving his hand vaguely, that tiny, pesky little word that shouldn’t be so hard to say, but it is.
“Help you?” June asks, and Alex shrugs, then gives the tiniest of nods.
“Yeah, that.”
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
The next few days is a whirlwind of appointments, phone calls, and meetings that somehow manages to drag on and fly by at the same time. Logically Alex knows that they need to work out the various logistics and that he still needs to go to his doctor appointments, but all he really wants right now is to be in England, in Kensington Palace to be specific; in Henry’s arms to be even more specific. By the time they’re finally ready to leave, Alex feels like he’s going to jump out of his skin.He’s just sat down on the plane when he hears someone come and sit in the seat next to him, he’s pretty sure it’s not June, but he’s not sure who else it would be.“Hey Alex” The voice is familiar, but it still takes Alex a moment to comprehend what’s happening.“Amy?” He asks incredulously “I thought–” He doesn’t even know what he thought, or what to say, so he just launches himself across the armrest between them and hugs her tight. She freezes for a moment at the uncharacteristic display of affection, then he feels her arms around him.“A-are you okay?” He asks, his voice sounds very small and scared, but he doesn’t even care. By far the most vivid memory he has of the attack, is the last thing he ever saw and will ever see again; was Amy’s face as she jumped in front of him. The liquid that had blinded him was also burning her skin, and even though he knew she was doing her job, he still felt guilty that she’d gotten hurt.“I should be asking you that.” She says, and he can hear the guilt in her voice.“No, don’t do that Amy, please.” He fumbles a moment to find her hand, then squeezes it in both of his.“I failed you Alex. I was supposed to protect you and I couldn’t do that. I’m sorry.”“No Amy! You didn’t fail. I’m still here, I’m alive, so that means that you didn’t fail me. I’m okay, I promise, or I will be okay, but please don’t say you’re sorry. I can’t handle anymore people saying they’re sorry.”There’s a long moment of silence, then Amy heaves a long, heavy sigh and finally gives his hands a squeeze back.“Alright Alex, I won’t, but I can’t promise that I won’t stick to you like glue for the foreseeable future.”“I guess I can live with that,” He says, “But seriously Amy, are you okay? You got burned pretty badly didn’t you?”“Yeah, but it’s nothing that will cause any lasting damage, the doctors said it probably won’t even scar much.”“Really? That’s good to hear, I don’t remember a whole lot, but the last thing I saw was that acid splashing all over your face and I thought…well, I don’t know what I thought, but it looked pretty bad.”“Yeah, it did, but the thing is, it wasn’t actually acid. It was an alkali substance, drain cleaner to be exact, which means the burns weren’t nearly as bad as they would have been if it was an acid.” Something in her voice seems to hint that there’s something she’s not telling him. Alex can imagine the look she has on her face just by her tone. She’s trying to protect him from something.“What are you not telling me Amy?”“Nothing” Her voice has gone flat, and it’s so abrupt that it almost scares him, he wants to question further, but decides to change the subject instead. Amy sounds scared, and he doesn’t want to know what could be so bad that someone like Amy is terrified.“So, are you officially back on duty now?” He asks after a few minutes of tense silence, desperate to change the subject, because thinking about what might make someone like Amy sound so scared is scary enough that Alex doesn’t really want to press any further.“I just about had to fight someone over it, but yes.”“Was that someone my mother?”“Yes,” Amy says with a laugh. “She wanted me to take more time off to rest, but I told her I wasn’t going to get any rest with you on the other side of the ocean where I couldn’t know if anything was going to happen to you. Eventually, she agreed.”“I should probably say that I want you to be at home resting, but the selfish part of me is very glad you’re here with me.”“Thanks kid. I’m glad I’m here too,” Amy says, taking his hand and giving it a reassuring squeeze.They pass the next few hours in silence, with only the sound of Amy’s knitting needles to punctuate it while Alex pulls out the package of materials Ms. Wallace gave him so he could begin the task of learning Braille. There hadn’t been time for another session before he had to leave, but she had sent Natalie to deliver the packet to him with a verbal message that he could start exploring on his own and they would see how much he’d learned when he got back. Evidently Ms. Wallace had once again managed to read Alex like a book, because she’d given him exactly the kind of motivating challenge he needed to conquer the daunting task.“So, what have you learned so far?” Amy asks, knitting needles still going as Alex is carefully running his fingers over every item and piece of paper in the bag.“I’m not totally sure yet. I don’t know what any of the papers say, but I think I figured out what this is for.” He holds up a small piece of cardboard that has a layer of plastic on one side with six rigid indentations in it. They pop in and back out when he presses on them with a sharp ‘snap’. “There’s some ridges up here at the top that I think are letters, but I’m not sure what they say.”“It says ‘pop-a-cell’” Amy tells him.“Awesome, so now I’m positive that I was right about what this is for.”“What do you think it’s for?”“It’s for learning the shapes of all the letters. Ms. Wallace told me that each letter is formed from a six dot cell, with a combination of dots to make up the symbol. This is a tool to learn those combinations.”“Oh okay, so how do you know what shapes to make so you can learn them?”“I haven’t figured that part out yet.” Alex is pretty sure there’s probably some written instructions somewhere in the bag, because there are definitely some papers in there that aren’t the thick sheets covered in the raised dots of Braille, but he hasn’t quite gathered up the courage to ask anyone to read them to him yet.There’s a short pause where Alex wonders if Amy is just gone back to her knitting, but he doesn’t hear the sound of the needles, so he’s wondering if she’s just sitting there staring at him.“Alex, do you want me to help you?” She says finally.“Um…maybe?” He says hesitantly. For all his reassurances when he was talking to June, he’s still not great at this whole ‘asking for help when I need it’ thing.“Okay, so which is it?”“Yes…yes I want you to help me.” He says finally. That wasn’t so hard was it? “Can you um…can you look and see if there’s instructions somewhere?”“Of course, and yes, there are instructions right here. There’s a note at the top that says she’s sent you an email with an audio file of the instructions if you prefer to read it that way instead of someone reading it to you.”“Damn, how does she already know me so well?” Alex mutters under his breath, and he thinks he hears a muffled chuckle from the seat across from them where he knows June is sitting. She hasn’t said anything, keeping her promise not to hover, but he’s pretty sure she’s been watching and listening in the whole time.A few seconds pass in silence, then there’s a rustling of a single sheet of paper being set down on the armrest, followed by the sound of Amy’s knitting needles starting up again, clearly assuming that Alex will want to listen to the audio message instead. Normally, she would be correct, but now Alex isn’t so sure. He’s not sure if it’s just his own contrary nature, or if it’s the little voice in the back of his head that sounds an awful lot like Henry, telling him that it’s okay to ask for help, but he’s shocked to realize that’s what he wants to do. He searches for a moment on the armrest for the paper and then holds it out in front of him with his heart pounding in his chest as June gasps in surprise at the question that comes out of his mouth.“Hey…June…will you read this to me?”----------------------------------------------------------When they finally arrive at Kensington, Alex feels like he’s going to jump out of his skin. Learning Braille was a nice distraction for a while, but now that they’re actually here, Alex just wants to get his hands on Henry. Unfortunately for both of them, they have to suffer through the formalities of their arrival first. June is here to meet Henry, and Alex isn’t supposed to be here at all, so while she gets to be greeted at the front door by Henry; Alex has to wait in the car to be taken around to the back where he’s met by Shaan.“Good afternoon Mr. Claremont-Diaz, I hope the flight was comfortable,” He says as soon as Alex is out of the car, “I’ll show you and your security to the guest rooms right away.” Shaan’s voice is accompanied by his brisk footsteps, and as soon as Alex takes Cash’s offered elbow, he’s led rather quickly inside.“Come on Shaan, aren’t we past all the formalities by now?” Alex is doing his best to sound confident, but all of this careful maneuvering has brought back the memory of Amy’s terrified voice on the plane. He never worked up the nerve to question her further, and she never volunteered the information, but there’s definitely something going on, and Shaan being in such an uncharacteristic hurry isn’t doing much to calm that worry.“His Royal Highness should be along shortly just as soon as he’s finished meeting Ms. Claremont-Diaz at the door,” Shaan tells them once they’ve arrived in the guest quarters.“Thank you Shaan,” Alex says, and then he hears Shaan’s brisk footsteps and the sound of the door closing.“Do you want me to stay?” There’s another question hidden under Cash’s question, the one he’s actually asking without really saying it. ‘Do you need help?’“No, I’m fine…just um…guide me to the bed and then I’m good. This is the same room I stayed in when I came here the first time, so I think I remember enough about it to figure things out.”“Alright, I’ll be outside, and Amy and the rest of the security detail will be nearby. If you need anything, you can call us.” His voice sounds like he’s giving an order, and there’s something behind it besides general concern, something that hasn’t been there before.“I’m good Cash, I promise.” Alex assures him, trying to ignore the whisper in the back of him mind that there’s something really bad going on and that Cash and Amy, and maybe Shaan too, are keeping something important from him.“Alright well, I put your bag on the bench at the foot of the bed, and here’s the bed,” Cash tells him as he guides him a few steps forward, places his hand on the headboard of the bed.“Thanks Cash,” Alex says as he turns to sit down on the bed. He waits until he hears the sound of the door closing, then immediately springs back up again, his restlessness overriding his common sense. He’s only been in this room once, and despite his reassurance to Cash, he doesn’t really remember anything about the room that would help him to safely navigate it now, but he needs to move or he might actually loose his mind. He ends up pacing along the side of the bed, using it as a guide to avoid tripping over anything while he tries to force calm his looming panic.When Henry finally arrives, announcing himself with a soft knock, it’s all Alex can do to remind himself not to try and run in to Henry’s arms. It’s all he wants to do, but he can’t remember where he’s ended up in relation to the door and he doesn’t want their reunion to involved him tripping over some random piece of furniture. As soon as he hears the door open, Alex takes a few cautious steps forward, then he’s being reeled into a bone crushing hug that he immediately returns. He buries his face into Henry’s shoulder, breathing in the scent of him and holding on so tight his arms ache with the strain.“Baby” He says into the fabric of Henry’s sweater. They both relax their grip at the same time, and Henry’s hands are cautious while Alex’s are frantic as they both reach up and pull each other in for a kiss.“I missed you so much,” Henry’s voice sounds like he’s holding back tears, and Alex hates the thought of anyone or anything making Henry cry.“I’m so sorry baby,”“For what?”“For whatever that old hag said to you.” That startles a laugh out of Henry.“It’s nothing I haven’t heard before, except this time it’s more of a backhanded compliment like ‘oh finally you’ve decided to do what’s expected of you Henry’ and all sorts of nonsense.”“Like I said, I’m sorry you had to deal with that.”“Don’t be, it’s not your doing Alex. And besides, we’re telling her the truth tomorrow and after that, no matter what happens we’ll deal with it together.”“As much as I’d like to lock these doors for the rest of the night and make passionate love to you for hours and hours, we’re going to have save that until later.”“I don’t know, I kind of like that plan,” Alex says with a shrug, reeling Henry in by his arms and wrapping them around his own waist. Henry laughs and kisses him lightly, then pulls away and takes Alex’s hands in his, lacing their fingers together.“I know, I do too, but there’s actually someone I’d like you to meet, and it has to be tonight, before we meet with Gran in the morning.”“Um…okay, and who would that be?”“My mother.”It takes Alex a second to actually process the words that just came out of Henry’s mouth, and even then he still doesn’t know what to say.“Seriously?”“Yes seriously. I went to her right after getting off the phone with you and told her everything. I must admit I was perhaps a bit harsh, and so was Bea, but I told her that I was going to tell Gran about us tomorrow and that I wanted her to be there to support me. Well actually I didn’t really ask her, I kind of just told her that I needed her to be there. I didn’t really give her a choice to say no.”“And how did that go over?” Alex asks, and Henry lets out a slightly hysterical sounding laugh.“Better than I expected, and honestly, I’m wishing I’d been that stern with her sooner. We’ve all be tiptoeing around her for years and maybe after a point what she really needed was for someone to snap her out of it.”“Oh wow, that…” Alex doesn’t quite know what it is exactly. It’s one of the few times in his life that he genuinely can’t find any words to say. He’s happy for Henry truly, because he knew how much he’d missed his mother, but Alex isn’t sure how he feels about meeting her.“It’s going to be alright love,” Henry says, smoothing his gently over Alex’s furrowed brow.“I know, I’m just feeling…weird, and I’m not totally sure why,” He says finally. “I guess it’s a lot of things really. I just realized that I haven’t met very many new people since…” He trails off and gestures at his eyes, “Obviously there was all the doctors and the nurses and Ms. Wallace and her assistant, but this is your Mom. All those other new people were like, medical professionals and therapists. They’re doing their jobs and that’s basically it. I didn’t have to make them like me or navigate a social interaction. I hadn’t really thought much about what it would be like meeting a new person and not being able to read their facial expression or their body language. I’ve always been really good at that, but now I can’t do that anymore. This is the first time I’m having to talk to someone I didn’t already know before I lost my sight, and I’m kind of…a little bit…scared.”“You don’t have to make her like you Alex, she already adores you.” Henry says, taking both of Alex’s hands in his and kissing his fingertips.“How can you be so sure? Alex asks, his voice sounding small even to his own ears.“Because she told me she did.”“Really?”“Yes Alex, she did. This meeting wasn’t my idea. It was hers. Her exact words were, ‘Henry I hope you’re planning on introducing me to the man who’s got you ready to dismantle the monarchy just so you can be together. He sounds incredible and I love him already.’”Alex can feel his cheeks burning, and his eyes are stinging with unshed tears.“She really said all that?”“Yeah, she did,” Henry says “Now, obviously if you don’t want to I won’t make you go, but I promise Alex, she really wants to meet you and she wants to help us. Everything is going to be okay, and I am, for once in my life confident that is a promise I will be able to keep.”Alex feels like he might start sobbing with relief and a hundred other emotions at this declaration, but he manages to keep himself in check and gives Henry what he hopes is a confident nod.“Okay, let’s go meet your mom.”
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
Despite Henry’s reassurances, Alex still feels like he’s going to be sick as he clings to Henry’s elbow the whole walk to Catherine’s rooms. Meeting your boyfriend’s mom is in the category of social interaction that is guaranteed to be awkward and uncomfortable even in the best possible situation, but Alex is pretty sure there’s not even semblance of a precedent for this in any ‘relationship etiquette 101’ book.“Everything is going to be okay, I promise,” Henry tells him once they’ve stopped walking and turned towards what Alex assumes is the door of Catherine’s rooms.“I’m fine.” The lie comes out so smoothly, almost without conscious thought, and Alex is pretty sure Henry won’t believe him considering the way he’s got both sweaty hands latched around Henry’s arm in a death grip. He’s not sure why he even tries to convince Henry, but It’s such an ingrained reflex, his default setting that he can’t even turn it off when he’s already admitted to being terrified.“Just remember what I said, she loves you already and you don’t have to make her like you. She’s already there.” Alex isn’t sure if it’s the actual words Henry is saying, or just the sound of his voice grounding him, but it’s enough for him to let go of Henry’s arm with one hand and stand up straight as they walk through the doors together.“Hello Mum,” Henry’s voice is hesitant, and sounds almost questioning, as if he can’t quite believe this is actually happening. There’s a soft creaking noise and then the sound of footsteps coming closer to them, and Alex tries to ignore the sting of realizing that he’ll never truly know what Henry’s mother looks like. It’s probably only a few seconds, but to Alex it feels like it takes forever for Catherine’s footsteps to come to a stop in front of them.“Hello your Highness, it’s wonderful to meet you,” He forces himself to speak into the silence just so he doesn’t have to wonder if she’s sizing him up or finding him wanting. No matter what Henry says, he still can’t shake the swirling anxiety and doubt in his mind.“Please just call me Catherine. I insist.” Her voice is soft, and there’s something there that reminds him of Bea. “It’s so wonderful to finally meet you too Alex, though I wish it were under better circumstances.” Alex huffs out a humorless laugh before he can stop himself.“Yeah, me too, but um…” He’s not sure what else to say, but after another awkward moment of silence, Catherine rescues him.“Well, why don’t we all have a seat. I’ve called for tea and biscuits. I’m sure you’ve had a long flight, so I don’t want to keep you too long.”It takes Alex a second to realize that Catherine has turned around and headed further into the room as her voice gets further way. Alex resumes his two handed grip on Henry’s arm as they follow her, and he’s reluctant to let go when Henry places his hand on the back of a chair. He reaches forward tentatively with his other hand and finds the edge of the table, then slides into the seat. Henry’s hand is back in his almost as soon as Henry has sat down in his own chair, and they both lace their fingers together instinctively.When the tea arrives, Alex doesn’t even attempt to deal with adding anything once it’s been poured into his cup. He wasn’t planning to bother with the biscuits, but Henry comes to the rescue.“There’s chocolate digestives and shortbread biscuits, which would you like?” Henry asks quietly, leaning over to whisper into his ear. Alex manages to restrain himself from asking ‘what the fuck is a digestive?’“Um…just one of each, thanks.” His tone almost makes it sound like a question, and his voice is so quiet that he’s not sure if Henry can even hear him, but after a few seconds, he hears the biscuits clink onto the plate in front of him, then Henry’s hand is back in his, giving it a reassuring squeeze.Spoons clinking on teacups is the only sound for a few moments after that, but Alex is feeling antsy, so he decides to just jump straight in head first, to hell with the awkward British etiquette and pleasantries.“So, are we coming up with a plan for tomorrow or what?” He asks.“Yes, I suppose we should,” Catherine agrees, then lets out a long sigh before speaking again. “My mother was resistant to my relationship with Arthur, and she hasn’t gotten any softer in the years since then. I imagine she’ll try to convince you to break up or make Henry continue that farce of a relationship with your sister Alex, so the trick is going to be getting her in a situation where she has no choice.”“How do we do that?” Alex asks.“I’ll probably have to blackmail her somehow. A couple of well placed threats is how I got her to agree to my marriage.”“What kind of threats?”“Threatening to renounce my title did the trick back then, but I don’t think that will work this time. She’d call my bluff for sure.”“Would it work if I did it?” Henry asks.“It might,”“I couldn’t ask you to do that for me baby,” Alex says, pulling his and Henry’s clasped hands up to his mouth to kiss his fingers.“No title I could ever possess is worth living in the shadows forever and pretending to be something I’m not. I want you and I won’t let Gran or anyone else make me hide how I feel about you any longer. I would do it for us, Alex, if that’s what it takes.”Alex is pretty sure he hears sniffling from across the table as he fumbles for his napkin to dab at his own eyes.“I hope it doesn’t come to that Henry,” Catherine says after a few moments. Her voice is shaky, confirming Alex’s suspicion that she had been crying. “You shouldn’t have to do that to be with the man you love, and if I have anything to say about it, you won’t have to.”“What are you going to do?” Henry asks.“I can’t be totally sure how I’ll play it until after we’ve arrived and told her the truth, but you let me worry about that. Believe it or not, I haven’t forgotten how to spar with her.”Catherine’s voice sounds firm, but there’s a hint of hesitancy in her tone, like she’s trying to convince herself that she still has what it takes to stand up to her mother. Alex wonders if Catherine is jutting her chin out just like Henry does when he’s trying to look tough. He wonders if Henry notices it too, but if he does, there’s no acknowledgement that Alex is aware of. Maybe there is some warning look between Henry and his mother, but Alex will have to wait until they’re alone to ask.“Alright Mum,” Henry says, “If you’re sure that we can do this, then I trust you.”--------------------------------------------------“That went much better than I could have ever dreamed it would.” Henry says once they’re back in his room, giddy with the high of success. “I thought for sure she was going to try and encourage us to ‘exercise caution’ or some other nonsense.”“I kind of thought she would too just based on what you’ve told me about her,” Alex says. “But I’m glad we’ve managed to find the version of Princess Catherine who forced her way backstage at a play and defied the Queen to marry the man she loves.”Henry’s answering laugh is like music to Alex’s ears and he knows right then and there that he would move heaven and earth to hear that laugh every day of the rest of his life.“She just…” Henry starts, but his words trail off and suddenly a choked sob escapes him.“Baby what’s wrong?” Henry pulls him in close and caresses his face, tucking back a stray curl before planting a tender kiss on Alex’s forehead.“Nothing’s wrong Alex, It’s just that I don’t know how to process it. She was like a ghost for so long, and now, it’s just like you said, she almost seems like herself again. So, thank you, thank you so much.”“For what?” Alex asks “I didn’t do anything.”“You did it just by existing Alex.”“What’s that supposed to mean?”“You did it just by being the amazing and wonderful person that you are. You dragged me out of my sad little hole and honestly, I think the fact that I was willing to defy Gran for you is the main reason Mum was able to snap out of it. I think she looked at me and for once saw herself in me instead of dad. She’s never said it outright, but I could always see it in her eyes anytime I was around her since dad died, she could only ever see him in me and she could hardly bear to look at me for all those years.”“Jesus fuck, Henry that’s awful.”“I know, but when I went to her and told her about you, and what I was prepared to say to Gran so we could be together, it’s just like you said…and think she was finally able to see that part of herself for the first time in a very long time.”Henry breaks off into another choked sob and Alex holds him close, reaching up to wipe the tears with the tips of his fingers.“I’m sorry, I don’t mean to be a blubbering mess. I don’t even know why I’m crying, It’s just…” He breaks off into more sniffling and crying, then starts to say sorry again, but Alex stops him with a finger to his lips.“It’s okay Henry. You don’t have to apologize.”“I know, I just feel like I should be happy, and I am, but I’m also confused, and maybe even a little angry. If something like this was enough to make her come out of her self isolation, then why couldn’t I get her to care back then? Why didn’t it work then, but it worked now? I just don’t understand, and I guess it doesn’t matter, I can’t go back and change it, but I can’t help but wonder.”“I know baby, and I wish you had all the answers to those questions too, and maybe one day you’ll be able to ask them, but for right now I think we can just call this a win and accept that it feels weird and maybe a little wrong. Just take it one step at a time.”“Are you throwing my advice back at me Alex?” Henry asks, amusement replacing his anguish.“Is it working?” Henry huffs out a laugh.“Yeah, I think it is,” He says as he pulls Alex in for a kiss, then he’s backing away, trailing his hands down Alex’s arms until he’s holding both of his hands.“Where are we going?” Alex asks, following Henry’s gentle tug on his hands.“Well, I was just thinking about what our next step should be,” There’s something mischievous and suggestive in his voice, and it only takes Alex a second to realize that Henry has backed them both against his massive bed.“Two steps ahead of you baby,” Alex says with a grin and pushes Henry back onto the bed, then climbs up on top of him.Memories of the last night they spent together creep unbidden into Alex mind as his fingers fumble with buttons and belt buckles. It overrides his desperation and his fingers slow without any conscious intention.“Everything alright?” Henry asks, placing one hand on top of Alex’s where they’re frozen with Henry’s shirt buttons between his fingers.“Yeah, I just…” He pauses, not sure how to say what he’s feeling. “I want to do this, but I just want you to know that I’m not…this isn’t like last time. I’m not taking control because I’m scared like I was then. This probably sounds stupid, but it’s like this is the first time for me all over again.”“That doesn’t sound stupid at all Alex,” Henry assures him “And I didn’t think it was like that at all. Just tell me what you need, okay?”Alex doesn’t tell him with words, and he knows he doesn’t need too. What he needs is to touch every inch of Henry, to relearn his boyfriend’s body with the senses that remain to him. On the map that once included freckles and tan lines, he finds each contour and ridge of muscle with his fingertips. Where once he might have watched Henry’s face to see the flush of color in his cheeks or the look in his eyes as Alex coaxes him to a climax, now he listens for the little gasps and feels the shudders in his body.“Fucking Christ,” Henry moans as Alex begins to explore with his lips and tongue, tasting every inch and adding that to this new map. It’s somehow both methodical and spontaneous as he finds each place he remembers and learns how it feels and tastes and sounds without the input of what it looks like. It’s new and different, and maybe a little scary, but it’s exhilarating.He trails his fingers over every inch of Henry’s body, feeling each tremble of pleasure and listening to each little gasp. This new way of ‘seeing’ his boyfriend had seemed so foreign and daunting at first now feels thrilling; the excitement of exploration overpowering any reservations he might have had at first.“I like seeing you this way,” He says finally, surprised that he means it. “I like feeling you come apart under my hands and my tongue. I like listening to every little noise you make and hearing you moan my name. I like the smell of your sweat and the taste of your cum. They’re not new things, I felt them all before this, but I never knew it could feel so much; and it’s all as beautiful as anything I could have ever seen with my eyes, maybe more.”His hungry fingers find Henry’s neck and when his lips find the salty taste of tears on Henry’s cheeks, he pauses, touching the damp skin with the tip of one finger.“Why are you crying?”Henry’s long fingers wrap around Alex’s hand, engulfing it completely as he presses a kiss to his fingertips.“Can’t a man cry during sex when he’s so incandescently happy he doesn’t know what to do with himself?” Henry whispers, and Alex can feel the smile against his cheek and under his fingers.“Well in that case…” Alex doesn’t bother finishing his own sentence, instead he follows the map of sensations he’s created on Henry’s body, showing him the beauty that he can no longer see with his eyes.
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
The next morning seems to pass in a blur of sensations that Alex can’t quite make sense of. He thinks Henry might have helped him with his tie when he slightly panicked about trying to put on a suit for the first time since losing his sight. Then everything is moving in fast forward until the moment he’s sitting at a table in Buckingham Palace with Henry, Bea, Catherine, and June waiting for Queen Mary to finish stirring her tea. The scraping of the spoon in the cup makes him want to claw his ears off and the tension of waiting and trying not to fidget nervously feels like it’s going to make him explode. It’s only the firm, reassuring pressure of Henry’s hand in his that keeps him grounded until Mary finally decides to speak.“Henry dear, I was under the impression that I was meeting your girlfriend, Ms. June Claremont-Diaz. I do not recall inviting Alexander here, and I cannot possibly fathom why you would be sitting there holding his hand like that while June is sitting on the other side of the table.” Alex isn’t quite sure if she’s challenging Henry somehow, but that’s what it sounds like. It’s as if she knows exactly what’s going on here and she’s daring him to say it out loud. Perhaps she even believes that he’ll back down.
“I don’t have a girlfriend Gran I have a boyfriend. I’m not dating June. I’m dating Alex. ” Henry says, and Alex can imagine the set of Henry’s jaw as he stares her down. His hand and entire arm is so tense, Alex might as well be gripping the hand of a marble statue, but he gives Henry’s hand a reassuring squeeze anyways.“I thought I had made myself clear, Henry, years ago, that if you were drawn in unnatural directions, appropriate measures could be taken. While Ms. Claremont-Diaz might not have been my first choice in such an arrangement, I was willing to accept that a relationship between the two of you could have certain favorable outcomes for the image of this family, but this is simply unacceptable.” Alex can feel his skin crawl at the implications of everything Mary is actually saying beneath the thin veneer of the words coming out of her mouth. “Clearly you have taken leave of your senses. My position is unchanged, dear, and given recent events I’d say it’s even more firm than ever. Your role in this family is to perpetuate the bloodline and maintain the appearance of the monarchy as the ideal of British excellence, and I simply cannot allow anything less.”There’s a sharp intake of breath from nearly everyone in the room, and somehow, Henry’s body has become even more rigid and tense. Alex can practically feel the energy roiling up from Catherine on his other side, and he’s pretty sure June started plotting regicide the second Mary opened her mouth. He wishes at that moment that he felt that same fury, but the tightness in his chest is one that makes him want to curl up into a ball and cry. With only that one, subtle implication, Mary has weighed him and found him wanting. He’s never felt so small in his life, and for a brief moment he’s thinking about throwing caution to the wind and just trying to make a break for it, but then several things happen all at once.Without letting go of his hand, Henry jumps up from his chair and Alex follows him, thinking maybe Henry might be planning to run. Instead Henry just steps in front of Alex, putting himself between him and the Queen. Alex also hears Catherine stand up from her chair too, and for a moment it seems like a showdown to see who’s going to either run away or yell straight to Mary’s face.“No” Henry says. His tone is so icy, that Alex is sure that the temperature in the room actually dropped with that single word.
“What do you mean ‘No’ Henry dear.” There’s a warning in Mary’s tone, and the term of endearment is dripping with disdain, and maybe even amusement. She seems to think that she hasn’t completely crossed the point of no return with all of them. Alex wonders if she’s just choosing not to comprehend exactly how much control she’s lost over Henry in the last several months, and unaware that she’s just spelled her own doom.
“I mean ‘no more’ Gran. No more of your manipulation. No more of your bigotry. No more controlling everything I do and say. No more condescending remarks and insinuating that there’s something wrong with me just because I don’t fit your perfect heterosexual ideals of what a prince should be. I love Alex, and we didn’t come here today to ask for your permission, we came to tell you that we’re together and there’s nothing you can do to stop us.”“Your insolence is truly astounding Henry,” Mary says. Her tone is still calm, but there’s something hidden under her control, something nervous, as if she’s afraid she might not come out of this on top. This is the first time Henry has truly stood up to her, and she knows that she doesn’t truly have the power to stop them. The Crown truly is a figurehead, and she knows that all too well.
“If you’re surprised by this, then that’s your own fault Mum.” There’s something almost dangerous in Catherine’s tone, as if that anger from a few moments ago now transformed into something else. It’s almost triumphant, as if they’re playing poker and she’s preparing to play a winning hand and sweep the winnings out from under Mary’s nose.
“This is not a discussion Catherine. Henry you will end things with this…boy immediately and that is final. I will hear no more of this nonsense.”The silence that falls over the room is so heavy you could cut it with a knife. Then, several things happen all at once. June begins to laugh in a way that Alex can only describe as ‘maniachal’ but it’s not loud, and that’s part of what makes it so chilling. There’s a soft ‘click’ sound, then something is dropped onto the table. There’s a rippled of surprised gasps from almost everyone except Alex, and he wants to ask someone to explain what happened, but he decides to just wait for it all to play out and get Henry to give him the play by play later.“You wouldn’t dare,” Mary says after a few moments of tense silence, and there’s genuine fear in her voice.
“I would,” June’s voice is icy, no trace of laughter now. It slowly dawns on Alex what June must have done; what that click sound was.
“You recorded her,” He says, in awe of his sister’s audacity, and also slightly terrified of all the possible ramifications that could come of that.
“Yes, I did. And to be honest, I only did it as a precaution, but I never dreamed that you would say something so damning.” June says calmly. “I’m sure you wouldn’t want the press to hear this recording, so I would suggest that you think very carefully about your next move.”The room goes so silent Alex wonders if anyone is even breathing.
“Consider your options mother,” Catherine says after several moments of tense silence. “You can do this the hard way or the easy way, but in addition to that recording, I’m sure that you certainly wouldn’t want Parliament to learn about all those countries whose names you keep forgetting and the meetings you keep needing to be reminded of.”
“Well then, I suppose you leave me no choice then,” Mary says finally, after a long silence.
“You always had a choice Mum, maybe you’ll finally make the right one.”----------------------------------------------------------When they finally leave the meeting, Alex feels like he’s been put through the wringer, and Henry must feel the same way because he nearly crumples to the ground once they’ve made it back to his room.
“Did you know what June was planning to do?” Alex asks Henry once the door has closed behind them and they’ve collapsed in each other’s arms on the bed and shimmied up to sit against the headboard.
“I had no clue,” He says “In fact, I don’t think she told anyone what she was planning to do, though I did wonder if she had some kind of trick up her sleeve. Or rather, hidden up her skirt.”
“No fucking way” Alex gasps, once again in awe of June’s audacity.“Yep, it was right when she started laughing that she just stood up and slid the recorder out of the pocket on the shorts she was wearing under her dress. She didn’t break eye contact with Gran the whole time. I’ve never seen anything like it. It was like Dorthy throwing water on the wicked witch. She knew she was fucked and there was nothing she could do about it.”
“Well goddamn.”
“Indeed, and if I must say, I am thoroughly afraid of your sister and will make it my life’s mission to never ever piss her off for any reason. She officially terrifies me.”
“Yeah no shit. Hell hath no fury like a protective older sister.”
“Precisely. Gran never stood a chance.”
“I wish I could have seen the look on her face when she saw that recorder.”
“It was truly priceless,”“I’m sorry Alex,” Henry says after several moments of silence, thoroughly confusing Alex with the abrupt change of subject. “I’m so sorry, are you alright?”
“Hey, yeah of course I’m okay. What are you sorry for? You’re not going to get weird every time I mention something I wish I could see are you?”
“No, no it’s not that. Everything is just playing over and over in my mind and well… I just…I’ve always known she was awful and a bigot, but I never dreamed she would say such a thing about you and about June, maybe that was foolish of me to think she wouldn’t, but I–” Alex stops him with gentle touch to his face.
“Henry, you do not have to apologize for her behavior. That’s on her, not you. What she said was fucked up and it sucked, but I’m alright. I’m just glad we got it over with and I am so fucking proud of you for standing up to her.” Henry’s arms tighten around Alex, and he starts to respond, but the words get lost in what sounds like a cross between a sob and a laugh.“You okay baby?”
“Yeah, I’m just…I just didn’t think I would ever really do it,” He pauses, his breaths are coming short and fast, but it’s not like when he’s panicking, it’s exhilarated. “I stood up to her. I’ve never done that before and it’s like there’s this looming shadow that’s been there my whole life that suddenly disappeared.”
“I’m so fucking proud of you,” Alex finds Henry’s face and holds it in both hands. “I love you so much baby” He says, and he doesn't even care that his voice sounds so choked up.They fall into a comfortable silence after that, just existing together in the moment and processing everything from within the safety of each other’s embrace.
“So what happens now?” Alex asks once his processing turned to worrying about the inevitable ‘next step’.
“I suppose we do have to decide that eventually don’t we.” Henry says with a sigh, then pauses before speaking again, choosing his words carefully. “Are you afraid of what might happen once everyone knows? I was thinking about the chances that being with me might ruin your plans for your career. Congress by thirty wasn’t it?”
“Look, I don’t know. I don’t even exactly know how being a legislator would work if I’m with a prince of another country. So, you know there’s stuff to figure out. And…I don’t know if…Do you think I could still do it?”He stumbles over the words, afraid to voice the doubt that’s been lingering in his mind kept at bay mostly by remembering what Ms. Wallace told him at his first lesson.
“There is not a single doubt in my mind that you will achieve whatever you set out to do Alex. And though I hope it goes without saying, but please know that you have my full support always. You’re going to do amazing things, you always were, and your blindness doesn’t change that. It might mean you have to take a different path or find another way to make things work, but you will do it. I know you will.”
“You think so?”
“Absolutely”“Well in that case, to answer your question, yeah maybe I am a little scared of what will happen when we go public. For myself and for my mom, like, it definitely stays secret until after the election. But after that, I say to hell with all of them. Way worse people than me with way bigger problems than me get elected all the time. It would be a lie to say I wasn’t scared at all, but I think if we can get ahead of the narrative, wait for the right time and do it on our own terms, I think it could be okay.”
“How long have you been thinking about this?” Henry asks.
“Consciously? Since like, the DNC. Subconsciously, in total denial? A long-ass time. At least since you kissed me.”
Henry softly twirls one of Alex’s curls around his finger, and his voice sounds breathless.
“That’s…kind of incredible.”“What about you?” Henry is silent for a long moment, then he lets out a sharp breath of laughter.
“What about me? Christ Alex. The whole bloody time.”
“The whole time?”
“Since the Olympics.”
“The Olympics?” Alex jolts up out of Henry’s embrace in surprise. “But that’s, that’s like–”
“Yes Alex, the day we met, nothing gets past you does it? What about you, he says, as if he doesn’t know–”
“Shut your mouth,” Alex says, grinning like an idiot as he climbs back into Henry’s arms, straddling his legs and kissing him against the headboard, and it’s not long before they’ve devolved into a laughing mess of mouths and hands under a pile of blankets.
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
Homesick
_______________________________________
A [email protected]
To HenryH,It’s been almost a week and I miss you so much I want to scream. Would you believe that the second I got home, I was dragged off to a doctor’s appointment? This is some bullshit. On the bright side, I had an appointment with Ms. Wallace right after that and she taught me how to use my computer so I could send you this email. Aren’t you proud of me? You should be.Speaking of proud, did I mention how proud I am of you? I know I said it already but I’m really fucking proud of you for standing up to your grandmother, and you were so brave. I still remember what you said to that little girl in the hospital about Luke Skywalker: “He’s proof that it doesn’t matter where you come from or who your family is.” Sweetheart, you’re proof too. (By the way, in this relationship, I am absolutely the Han and you are absolutely the Leia. Don’t try to argue because you’ll be wrong.)So, I’ve been thinking about Texas again, or more accurately I was thinking about home. Texas is my home and you’re my home, and I want to take you there so I can show you everything there is to see (ha). But seriously, I want it more than anything in the world. I feel like we’re in limbo right now, so I can’t really say what my next step is, aside from going to a bunch of appointments apparently, and I still can’t bring myself to tell Ms. Wallace what my goals are. Because the truth is, I’m terrified and I’m not sure my goals are the same anymore, and so I guess that’s why I’m wanting to just take you and run home where I feel safe. Is that stupid? It feels so childish, but I just want to go home.Anyways, sorry to get all weepy on you, I know I should be excited because everything was actually kind of okay and optimistic when I left London, but now I just really fucking miss you and that’s all I can focus on right now. I don’t know what my next step is, but I know it includes you baby. You’re my home.Love you.xoxoxoxoxoxo
AP.S. Vita Sackville-West to Virginia Woolf–1921:
With me it is quite stark: I miss you even more than I could have believed; and I was prepared to miss you a good deal.
Re: Homesick
_______________________________________
Henry [email protected]
to AAlex,For starters, please know that yes, I am immensely proud of you and I cannot even begin to explain how happy I was to see your email. To have already learned so much in so little time is impressive, though I must admit I don’t know the generally expected timeline for such things, I am in awe of you and I hope you are proud of yourself too love.(I’ll agree with your assessment that you’re the Han to my Leia in that you are, without doubt, a scruffy-looking nerf herder who would pilot us into an asteroid field. I happen to like nice men.)I’m so glad your appointments with Ms. Wallace are going well, and I love how optimistic and excited you are every time you tell me about something you’ve learned from her. If you ask me, rehab therapists do not get nearly enough credit for all they do. I would imagine your appointments with your doctor are a bit less exciting, and if this is out of line to ask, or if you don’t want to talk about it, do tell me to shut up, but how did that appointment go? I remember the doctor at the hospital saying there might be more surgeries, but also that there might be some improvement. I hope it wasn’t too difficult, and I wish I could be there with you for all of this.It is indeed, bullshit. And no, I don’t think it’s childish at all to just want to go home. I’d be with you in a heartbeat. Honestly, it’s all I can do not to pack a bag and be gone forever. I know I have to sort things out here, make sure Gran doesn’t forget that we can and will blackmail her, and start to work out plans for how I want to handle things when we decide the time is right to come out. But honestly, part of me wants to say to hell with it and just leave. Perhaps I could live in your room like a recluse. You could have food sent up for me, and I’ll be lurking in disguise in a shadowy corner when you answer the door. It’ll all be very dreadfully Jane Eyre.The Mail will write made speculations about where I’ve gone, if I’ve offed myself or vanished to St. Kilda, but only you and I will know that I’m just sprawled in your bed, reading books and feeding myself profiteroles and making love to you endlessly until we both expire in a haze of chocolate sauce. It’s how I’d want to go.Truly though, in all seriousness, I know I have to stay, and you had to go for now. I hate every moment that we must spend apart, and the only thing that keeps me going is the knowledge that our separation won’t last forever. Soon we’ll be able to wake up in the same timezone and just like you said at the lake, when I was too foolish and afraid to listen, we’ll be able to go out in public and not care who sees and we’ll be free to just be with each other. You were right then, and your words are even more true now than they were then, and the anticipation of that future is what keeps me going.I haven’t even tried to talk to Phillip yet, which I know I’ll have to eventually, but honestly I’m not ready to try and diffuse that bomb so for now I’m going to ignore it. Maybe he’ll come to me first, who knows. I’ve had a few more conversations with Mum, and it’s been incredibly awkward, but not horrible. She’s trying to make up for all those years that she was absent all in the span of a few days, and it’s a bit annoying, but Bea says to be patient with her. She’s trying, and that’s all I can truly ask I suppose.I love you terribly, and I want to be back home with you, which is to say that I wish to be in your arms and nowhere else whether it be here in Kensington, in the White House, in Texas, or anywhere on earth. My only true home is with you.Yours,
HenryP.S. From Radclyffe Hall to Evguenia Souline, 1934:
Darling–I wonder if you realize how much I am counting on your coming to England, how much it means to me–it means all the world, and indeed my body shall be all, all yours will be all, all mine, beloved….And nothing will matter but just we two, we two longing loves at last come together.
Re: Homesick
_______________________________________
A [email protected]
to HenryH,Shit, I totally forgot about Phillip and like, that you have to tell him about us, and about you I guess. Do you think he suspects anything at all, or is he as oblivious as he seems? Do you think your grandmother would talk to him first or is she going to try and pretend nothing happened? Seems to me like she would totally do that. Wait, fuck, she wouldn’t try to get Phillip on her side and like, overpower your mom or something right? Can they stage a coup against her? Is that a thing that can happen?Sorry, I’m panicking. I know you said it was going to be fine, and I know for a fact that June’s threat to blackmail absolutely still stands, but it’s like I can’t let myself believe that it’s not all going to slip through our fingers. Just, let me know if we need to pack a bag and run for it, or if I need to have fake documents made for us so we can go off the grid, never to be seen again.I feel like everything is just waiting right now and it drives me nuts. That’s how it is with the doctor too. And no, I don’t mind telling you or talking about it, there’s honestly not much to tell, which is kind of the whole problem. Everything is just waiting and waiting and ‘it’s too early to tell’ and ‘there might be some improvement, but we can’t know until we know’ or my favorite (least favorite) ‘you might develop glaucoma or some other serious complication, but all we can do is monitor you and WAIT’ At the moment I can see some light and not much else, and the only way to know if I’ll ever see more than that is to…you guessed it…FUCKING WAIT! Have I mentioned I hate waiting?I think that’s part of why I like having my appointments with Ms. Wallace. Aside from the fact that I obviously need to learn how to adapt and use all the assistive shit that I need to be a blind person, it’s like, specific and finite you know? Like, there’s a clear goal and all of the ‘next steps’ I need to take are right there in front of me. There’s a list of things I need to learn and even some things I can learn just because I want to, you know I like lists. So yeah, it’s nice because I know what I need to do with her and I know where I’m trying to go even if I still can’t bring myself to tell her what my goals are yet. Maybe by the time I work up that courage, I’ll know what those goals are myself.Anyways, I hope things go well with Phillip, hopefully he won’t be too insufferable about it. Of course I’m right there with you whatever you decide to do and just say the word if we’re packing our bags and running. I’m with you all the way baby and you’re the one thing in my life that I don’t mind waiting for.Love you,
AP.S. Eleanor Roosevelt to Lorena Hickock–1933:
I miss you greatly dear. The nicest time of day is when I write to you. You have a stormier time than I do but I miss you as much, I think… Please keep most of your heart in Washington as long as I’m here for most of mine is with you.
Re: Homesick
_____________________________________
Henry [email protected]
to AAlex,Have you ever had something go so horribly, horribly, unbelievably badly that you’d like to be loaded into a cannon and jettisoned into the merciless black maw of outer space?I wonder sometimes what is the point of me, or anything. I should have just packed a bag like I said. I could be in your bed, languishing away until I perish, fat and sexually conquered, snuffed out in the spring of my youth. Here lies Prince Henry of Wales. He died as he lived: avoiding plans and sucking cock.Phillip found out, and not from me or Mum. I should have told him as soon as you left, because this was so so so much worse that I could have possibly imagined (and trust me, I imagined quite a few horrible outcomes)It seems that you’re fears weren’t entirely of base, so you can be assured at least that you were not overreacting or taken to any kind of irrational panic. Turns out those fears were, unfortunately, rational. Evidently Gran called Phillip for a meeting the day after our meeting and the two of them started hatching several devious plans to not only prevent us from coming out, but to deal with the blackmail June threatened. Something about implying that it was manipulated or computer generated in some way, not that anyone would believe it, but if there’s one enduring trait of the monarchy you can always count on, it’s delusions of their own power.Anyways, I discovered all of this when Phillip marched into my rooms and immediately launched into a tirade that began with ‘Gran tells me that you are under some delusion about dating the son of the american president’ and was quite lengthy. He had several words for me indeed some fo which were ‘confused or misguided’ and ‘ensuring the perpetuity of the bloodline’ and ‘respecting the legacy.’ Honestly, I don’t recall much of it.Essentially, I gathered that he was not surprised to discover that I am not the heterosexual heir that I’m supposed to be, but rather surprised that I do not intend to keep pretending to be the heterosexual heir that I’m supposed to be.It seems like Gran really thinks she can get away with forcing us back in the closet and she’s got Phillip doing her dirty work for her. I’m not sure if she always planning to do this and was banking on Phillip backing her up, or if she just took the opportunity, but she certainly didn’t plan on Mum threatening to basically usurp her. Gran hasn’t backed down, but she hasn’t tried to order me to break up with you again, and she hasn’t tried to force me to fly to America and take June out to lunch, so we’re sort of at an odd stalemate I guess. I truly have no idea what’s going to happen.I am inclined to agree with your assessment on waiting. It’s horrible and I hate it. All I can do is just wait to see how this mess is all going to play out. Waiting to see if I need to announce that I’m giving up my title or if you’re going to be declared an official suitor. Both seem equally likely at this point. Everyday brings me closer to just leaving. Not coming back. Maybe burning something down on the way out. It would be nice.Here’s an idea: Do you know, I’ve realized that I’ve never actually told you what I thought the first time we met?You see, for me, memories are difficult. Very often, they hurt. A curious thing about grief is the way it takes your entire life, all those foundational years that made you who you are, and makes them so painful to look back upon because of the absence there, that suddenly they’re inaccessible. You must invent an entirely new system.I started to think of myself and my life and my whole lifetime worth of memories as all the dark, dusty rooms of Buckingham Palace. I took the night Bea left rehab and I begged her to take it seriously, and I put it in a room with pink peonies on the wallpaper and an golden harp in the center of the floor. I took my first time, with one of my brother’s mates from uni when I was seventeen, and I found the smallest, most cramped little broom cupboard I could muster, and I shoved it in. I took my father’s last night, the way his face went slack, the smell of his hands, the fever, the waiting and waiting and terrible waiting and even worse not-waiting anymore, and I found the biggest room, a ballroom, wide open and dark, windows drawn and covered. Locked the doors.But the first time I saw you. Rio. I took that down to the gardens. I pressed it into the leaves of a silver maple and recited it to the Waterloo Vase. It didn’t fit in any rooms.You were talking with Nora and June, happy and animated and fully alive, a person living in dimensions I couldn’t access, and so beautiful. Your hair was longer then. You weren’t even a president’s son yet, but you weren’t afraid. You had a yellow ipe-amarelo in your pocket.I thought, this is the most incredible thing I have ever seen, and I had better keep it a safe distance away from me. I thought, if someone like that ever loved me, it would set me on fire.And then I was careless fool, and I fell in love with you anyway. When you rang me at truly shocking hours of the night, I loved you. When you kissed me in disgusting public toilets and pouted in hotel bars and made me happy in ways in which it had never even occurred to me that a mangled-up, locked-up person like-me could be happy, I loved you.And then, inexplicably, you had the absolute audacity to love me back. Can you believe it?Sometimes, even now, I still can’t.I’m sorry to add one more thing to the list of things we have to wait for, but I’m not giving up hope for our future together. We’ll make it happenYours,
HenryP.S. From Michelangelo to Tommaso Cavelieri, 1533
I know well that, at this hour, I could as easily forget my your name as the food by which I live; nay, it were easier to forget the food, which only nourishes my body miserably, than your name, which nourishes both my body and soul, filling the one and the other with such sweetness that neither weariness nor fear of death is felt by me while memory preserves you to my mind. Think, if the eyes could also enjoy their portion, in what condition I should find myself.
Re: Homesick
_________________________________________
A [email protected]
to HenryH,Fuck.I’m so sorry. I don’t know what else to say except that. I guess it’s just going to be waiting waiting and more waiting for both of us isn’t it. I wish I had more encouragement than that, but I can absolutely reassure you that June has the recording ready to hit the internet at any second. I think she had Nora make a few hundred copies and encrypt them six ways to sunday. The witch will have a hard time trying to convince anyone that it’s fake.So don’t worry. We’ll get through this, even if it doesn’t feel like it right now. We’ll figure it out. It just might take time. I know I was the one that started whining about waiting first, but would you believe that I’ve actually been working on patience? I don’t know if it’s working, but I haven’t gone up to the roof to pace back and forth till my feet bleed, so that’s something.I can’t decide if your emails make me miss you more or less. Sometimes I feel like a funny-looking rock in the middle of the most beautiful clear ocean when I read the kinds of things you write to me. You love so much bigger than yourself, bigger than everything. I can’t believe how lucky I am to even witness it–to be the one who gets to have it, is beyond luck and feels like fate. Catholic God made me to be the person you write those things about. I’ll say five Hail Marys. Muchas gracias, Santa Maria.I can’t match you for prose, but what I can do is write you a list.
AN INCOMPLETE LIST: THINGS I LOVE ABOUT HRH PRINCE HENRY OF WALES
The sound of your laugh when I piss you off
The sound of your voice on the phone, and all the voice recordings you sent me after I was injured. I know I can use the screen reader now, but like, I wouldn't be mad if you kept doing that.
The way you smell underneath your fancy cologne, like clean linens but somehow also fresh grass (what kind of magic is this?)
That thing you do where you stick out your chin to try to look tough. (You were doing it when we met with your mother and in the meeting with your grandmother weren’t you? I don’t even need to see it, I know you were.)
All the things i understand about myself now because of you.
How you think Return of the Jedi is the best Star Wars (wrong) because deep down you’re a gigantic, sappy, embarrassing romantic who just wants the happily ever after.
Your ability to recite Keats.
Your ability to recite Bernadette’s “Don’t let it drag you down” monologue from Pricilla, Queen of the Desert.
How hard you try
How hard you’ve always tried
How determined you are to keep trying.
That when your shoulders cover mine, nothing else in the entire stupid world matters. (This is literally the only reason I didn’t completely come apart in the hospital in case you were wondering.)
The way you already knew how to guide me when I got to London. I didn’t have to teach you how to do it, you already knew and fuck if that wasn’t the sexiest, most incredible thing ever.
The way you look right when you wake up. (I really really fucking miss this, but please don’t feel bad or anything. I’m trying to take your advice and learn how to grieve things like this, so like, I want to tell you that I miss it instead of pretending that I don’t.)
Your shoulder-to-waist ratio (oddly enough I don’t miss seeing this, I like feeling it even better than seeing it)
Your huge, generous, ridiculous, indestructible heart.
Your equally huge dick (ditto #15)
The face you just made when you read that last one. (fuck I’m really going to miss seeing that one too)
The way you look when you first wake up (I know I already said that one, but I really really love it, and I’m really really sad that I’ll never be able to see it again.)
The fact that you loved me all alongI keep thinking about that last one ever since you told me, and what an idiot I was. It’s so hard for me to get out of my own head sometimes, but now I’m coming back to what I said to you the night in my room when it all started, and how I brushed you off when you offered to let me go after the DNC, how I used to try and act like it was nothing sometimes. I didn’t even know what you were offering to do to yourself. Maybe if I’d figured that out sooner, we could have actually talked about it before I scared you off with my grand plans at the lake house.Please stay gorgeous and strong and unbelievable. I genuinely don’t know how I would have gotten through this without you. I don’t think I ever told you this, but the first thing I thought after the attack, while I was laying in the ambulance was that I hoped you would come. I hated you for leaving and still I wanted you to be there with me, and then suddenly there you were. And then you were so wonderful and so patient even when I was yelling at you and fighting you while you were just trying to help me, and I can’t even begin to tell you how much that meant to me, how much it still means to me with every little thing you’ve done to make this whole nightmare just a little bit easier. I was drowning and you helped me stay afloat until I could learn to swim for myself again.So I guess what I’m trying to say is that I know this awful and it sucks that we have to sit here waiting and waiting until we can be together, I truly don’t mind waiting when I know for certain that we’ll be together again very soon. I miss you I miss you I miss you I love you. I’m calling you as soon as I send this, but I know you like to have these things written down.AP.S. Richard Wagner to Eliza Wille, re: Ludwig II–1864 (Remember when you played Wagner for me? He’s an asshole, but this is something.)
It is true that I have my young king who genuinely adores me. You cannot form an idea of out relations. I recall one of the dreams of my youth. I once dreamed that Shakespeare was alive: that I really saw and spoke to him: I can never forget the impression that dream made on me. Then I would have wished to see Beethoven, though he was already dead. Something of the same kind must pass in the mind of this lovable man when with me. He says he can hardly believe that he really possesses me. None can read without astonishment, without enchantment, the letters he writes to me.
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
Amy is sitting at the table in the kitchen when Henry arrives at the lake house. She gives him a nod of acknowledgement, but her eyes barely leave the window, and when Henry joins her at the table, he can see why. Alex is sitting alone on the dock with his feet dangling in the water, leaning back on his hands with his folded cane beside him. The sun is just setting, bathing the lake in a tapestry of colors that makes Alex look like he’s the artist who just created such a masterpiece. Henry thinks he might just forget how to breath just looking at him out there.“He’s been out there for hours.” Amy says, pulling him out of his thoughts. “He wouldn’t tell me why, just that he wanted to wait for you there. It was all I could do to get him to let me walk with him down there.”“When did you arrive?”“About midday yesterday.” Amy has finally turned to actually look at him now and Henry can see the pain, but also the fierce protectiveness in her eyes. He can also see the guilt there. Alex had mentioned almost offhand that Amy felt guilty about what happened, and Henry could hardly blame her for that, but it’s clear she still hasn’t stopped blaming herself. Henry doesn’t try to say anything to her though, since he doesn’t know her well enough for that, but also because he’s fairly certain there’s nothing he could say that would make it better.“I got a call from the President late last night. It seems Nora managed to get to the bottom of everything thanks to some slightly underhanded dealings on Rafael Luna’s part. Apparently he joined Richard’s campaign to try and expose him for a whole bunch of stuff, and he got wind of the plot to out you and Alex while he was looking for evidence.”“And the attack?”“Technically speaking, it was unrelated, and not part of the plan, but it was someone from Richards’ camp. Evidently the person was a lower level staffer that was under the misguided belief that Richards’ would reward them for hurting someone close to the President.”“Forgive me if I don’t entirely believe that story,” Henry says, the venom in his own voice surprising him. Amy lets out a humorless laugh.“Yeah, well, I can’t say that I disagree, but there’s nothing to prove that Richards’ did or didn’t plant some kind of seed in their minds so there’s not much we can do about that. What matters is that the person responsible has been taken into custody and Richards will, hopefully, have lost enough support that he won’t have a chance in the election.”Henry wants to be surprised that even after all that, Ellen’s reelection still hangs in the balance. Maybe it makes him naive, or maybe he’s read too many romance novels, but he hates that someone could do such horrible things and still be in the running for President. But he doesn’t say all of that, no doubt Amy feels even more infuriated than he does, so instead he just a single nod of acknowledgment.“Does Alex know all of this?”“Yeah, he was on the call too, and he was to one who figured out Luna was the one who sent the information. He left some code in the email signature that only Alex would understand.”“How did he take it?”“I honestly have no idea. He didn’t really say much, and he kind of just seemed like he was in a daze the whole rest of the trip. When we got here, he pretty much just went straight to bed, then didn’t come out of his room until well past noon today. He barely said a word except ‘coffee’ then asked me to walk with him down to the dock once he’d downed his cup. It’s a good thing you got here when you did, because I was not looking forward to having to coax him inside to eat something. I’ll let you handle that.”“Of course, and thank you Amy,” Henry says, trying and failing to keep the emotion out fo his voice. “Thank you for everything.”He starts to get up from the table, but she reaches out and takes his hand, looking like she’s surprised herself just as much as it surprised him.“I’m sorry this happened.” At first he thinks she means the attack, but then he realizes that she’s talking about the leak, about being outed, and it’s all he can do to stop the tears from bursting out of him right then in there.“Yeah, me too,” He manages to force the words out, but he’s failing miserably at holding back the tears.“Now, go on,” Amy says, handing him a napkin to wipe his face. She’s all business again now, the moment of vulnerability tucked back behind her normal, controlled demeanor. “Don’t leave him waiting any more.”Alex hears him the moment his feet touch the wood of the dock, but instead of turning towards him or jumping up excitedly like Henry would have expected him too, he just turns slightly and holds out a trembling hand.“Baby,”“I’m sorry I left you waiting,”“No, it’s okay, I knew it would take some time for you to get here, but I couldn’t…I had to… I couldn’t be there anymore. It was too much. Too many people, too many meetings, too many questions to answer, and I just couldn’t do it anymore.”Alex’s breaths come in quick short gasps for a moment, then squeezes Henry’s hand tight and pulls him in close as they sit side by side on the dock.“It’s alright love, just breathe, it’s going to be alright.”Once his breathing has calmed back down to a normal pace and they’re both sitting comfortably with their heads resting on each other and their fingers tangled together on their laps. They sit in silence for a while, neither of them wanting to break it, but Henry can almost feel the nervous energy radiating off of Alex. He waits patiently, letting him decide when he’s comfortable enough to voice his thoughts. He fiddles with the sunglasses he’s wearing for a moment, then slides them slightly down his face. Henry can see that he’s got his eyes closed pretty tightly. He cracks one open, then the other, then takes the glasses off completely.“Fucking finally, the sun hurts like a bitch and I was hoping it would be dim enough by the time you got here that I could take these off. I was excited when I started getting some light perception back, but then I changed my mind when I discovered how sensitive my eyes are now. If that’s all I get, I’d rather not have anything at all. I’ve become a blind person cliche now, but whatever, I’m rambling and that’s completely irrelevant right now. I just…nevermind…Are you okay baby?”“I am infinitely better now that I’m here,” Henry says, a little surprised by the turn of the conversation.“It wasn’t too terrible for you?”“Truly, it wasn’t as bad as it could have been I think, but Mum didn’t even give Gran a chance to try anything. She just marched into Buckingham Palace and said ‘you’re going to have a statement drawn up in support of your grandson and his boyfriend, or I will be taking you off the throne by Christmas so help me god’ or something to that effect. She’d only just finished drawing it up when Zahra called Shaan and told him that you wanted me to meet you here as soon as possible. I saw that the White House released a statement too on the way over. It didn’t sound like something you would write, but I assume it was done with your consent?”“Yeah, I just told my mom to have them write something basic and that was fine. I didn’t even read over it before they released it. Part of me feels bad, like I should have said something more personal but I just couldn’t even think about what to say. I just needed to get out of there.”“That makes sense, and you don’t owe anyone anything, though I must say I was a bit surprised that you chose to go here. I thought maybe it was just because it was the most private place you had.” Alex shifts slightly against him and turns so that he’s facing Henry. Their hands have been intwined this whole time, but now Alex takes both of Henry’s hands and holds them in between the two of them. He sucks in a long breath, holds if for a moment, then lets out a long sigh. He’s biting his lip and looking nervous, and Henry worries for a moment if Alex doesn’t want to discuss this. Surely he still feels strange about the lake house after getting left like he did.“Alex I’m sorry I didn’t mean–”“Shh” He says, using Henry’s own hand to clamp his mouth shut. “No talking Wales, and no pity either okay?”“I’m a bit confused about where this is going, but…alright,”“I made the mistake of actually reading a bunch of the news stories, at least until Zahra took my phone away.”“Oh love,” Henry starts, but Alex stops him from saying more.“I didn’t realize until that moment that no one knew about me losing my sight. They knew about the attack, but there was no press release or anything about what actually happened to me. I’d never even considered how I was going to tell people about my blindness, because I didn’t realize I would have too, and now even that’s been taken away. And then I thought about you and me, and how we were so optimistic even though it was annoying and up in the air while we waiting for the right time, but they took that away from us and I didn’t even know if I was mad or upset or if I should be angry at someone or just cry about it. What I ended up doing was having a panic attack in the hallway, and then I just told my mom I wanted to go home.”“So, why didn’t you go to your house in Austin instead of here?” Henry asks hesitantly.“At first I wasn’t really sure, maybe I’m still not. Logistically, I couldn’t go there because it’s all packed up and it’s not secure, so this was the next best place since the Secret Service already swept it when we were here before. I felt a little weird about it, and I was worried it might be really awful, but once I was here, it felt right somehow. Especially now that you’re here, it’s like closure on something that was still kind of unresolved between us. And…” The words catch in his throat as Alex catches his lip between his teeth and shifts slightly to face Henry more directly.“And?”“It’s the last place that I ever saw your face.”Henry feels like a hand has just reached into his chest and squeezed the life out of him, and for a moment he thinks he might have a panic attack. That is until he realizes that Alex is smiling. There’s no sadness in his face, and he looks strangely relaxed and calm given the circumstances.“Y–you’re not upset?” Alex shakes his head, still smiling softly.“No, I’m not. Because when I got here, and I came down to the water, I realized something that I hadn’t thought of until the moment my feet touched the dock. I realized that I never saw you leave that night. Even when you were walking away, it was dark enough that I couldn’t really see it. You were asleep, or at least pretending to be when I got back inside, and you left while I was asleep. I was so fucking angry at you for not at least having the decency to say goodbye to my face, but now I’m glad you didn’t. If you had, my last memory of your face would have been you looking upset and teary eyed, or worse, with that blank royal mask you use for public appearances. Instead, my last memory of your face is bathed in moonlight with water dripping off your hair and the fireflies surrounding you like little fairy lights, and it’s really fucking beautiful.”“Alex I–”“Hush, I said no talking.” Alex says, placing a finger over Henry’s lips, then immediately removing it to pull him in for a kiss. Henry doesn’t have a single clue what will happen tomorrow or next week, or next year, but right now in this moment, he can’t really be bother to care. Every thought and worry melts away leaving only the two of them sitting there on the pier, locked in each other’s embrace in the fading warmth of the setting sun surrounded by the chorus of cicadas and the gentle music of the water against the dock.