Work Text
WE ARE SEX BOB-OMB!
1, 2, 3, 4
HEY! HEY! HEY! HEY!
CAN’T FIND MY WAY AROUND
WHEN THE SUN COMES UP I’M DOWN
HEY! HEY!
I FEEL FINE
HEY! HEY!
I FEEL FINE
I DON’T FEEL GOOD
HEY! HEY!
I FEEL FINE
HEY! HEY!
I FEEL FINE
I DON’T FEEL GOOD
TORONTO - CANADA…
Rutile’s band playing makes the garage shake, kind of literally. The two spectators perched on the sofa clap their hands (singular). Young Phos is busy on their gameboy they found in the trash behind a bar they weren’t supposed to be at.
“That. Was. Awesome!” Zircon Chau says, enthusiastic as ever. Sometimes it feels like the band sucks less purely because Zircon is there to dote on them.
Sex Bob-omb, the stupid fucking band Rutile came up with in their first year of middle school. They found out they could really shred a guitar so they got a bunch of elementary schoolers to join in on them, enter Antarc Stills and Cinnabar Pine. The band sucked, of course, and still sucks. Periodically Rutile’s dad would barge in the garage, ask if they were okay, then proceed to say that he had to check in on them because it sounded like Mongolian soldiers being tortured.
“We’re not going anywhere with this—” Antarc says. “We suck.”
“What the hell do you think I’ve been trying to tell you guys for the past four months?” Cinnabar facepalms. “Rutile. Maybe we should just quit while we’re at it.”
“......No.”
Antarc takes a seat on the sofa, barely fitting their ass on it considering the fact that it’s already accommodated space for Zircon and Phos. “I admire the determination,” they say, and for a second Rutile’s face lights up until they open their mouth again. “But this is getting embarrassing.”
“What? Seriously?” Antarc is like, the most determined hardworking person Rutile has ever known. So seeing them give up like this…
“C’mon,” Rutile feels a pat on their back. Cinnabar. “We’re running late to the party.”
***
Rutile stands awkwardly with a glass of fruit punch in their hand that they sip periodically just to feel like they have something to do. The band is scattered all over the place, and they’re all alone. Not like they don’t enjoy it or whatever. The party is loud with pop music blasting from the speakers, but all of a sudden their world turns quiet when they spot a figure with hair so shiny and sparkly that looks like a color that doesn’t exist. Is it red? Pink? Orange? Hard to tell with the lighting… and that’s when it hit them.
“The guy from my dreams…”
***
“So they have this fluffy mane that’s just— ugh! Sooo shiny… and they’re… they’re so handsome. They were wearing goggles sure but they were so handsome.”
“I didn’t care the first time you told me and I don’t care now,” Lapis Lazuli, their cool lesbian roommate says. “Not into guys.”
“And the, the rollerblades.”
Lapis steals the blanket from Rutile and curls up in it, ignoring Rutile in the form of silent treatment in hopes that they shut the fuck up.
“And their voice—”
Of course, that never works.
***
That was a few days earlier, and now…
“Hi.” Rutile makes the first move.
“Hey,” The Guy From My Dreams replies. They also seem to be in the same position as Rutile, leaning against the wall with a glass of half finished fruit punch and no friends they’re talking to.
“You know Sonic the Hedgehog?” Rutile pauses. “You probably know this, but in the early 90s, there were two different Sonic cartoons airing at the same time. One was dark and dramatic. The other was a hilarious comedy about chili dogs. And the same guy played Sonic in both shows. Isn't that wild? The same guy playing two different versions of the same guy?”
The Guy From My Dreams stares, so Rutile stammers out a reply.
“Maybe you're not into cartoons, or you're not into chili dogs.”
“They're okay. I mostly watched older stuff when I was a kid. You know, Columbo reruns.”
“Reruns. Cool. Got it. Are you real?”
“Did you just ask me if I was real?”
“No, I was talking to someone else. Bye!”
Rutile skitters in the general direction of the party’s host, spottable by their dyed green hair in the way that dogs with collars aren't. They take out a piece of paper from seemingly out of their ass and scribbles a quick picture of the Guy earlier.
Tapping Jade Powers on the shoulder, they clear their throat.
“Have you seen a guy with hair like this?”
Jade stares. “Padparadscha Flowers?”
“Padparadscha…”
“Came here from New York.”
“The Big Apple.”
“Working as a delivery guy for a video store.”
“Video store.”
“I forbid you from dating them, Rutile Pilgrim!”
“Cool thanks Jade bye!”
And then the scene keeps cutting to the next one.
“I changed my mind. I don't want to have sex with you, Rutile Pilgrim.”
There were sparks!
And then the next scene.
“I, Ruby Patthel, hereby challenge you to a battle!”
And the next…
“You're Euc Graves.”
“Rutile Pilgrim. Can I be the first to say… nice shirt.”
And then there's the League of Evil Exes. And they just keep getting weirder and weirder… and the exes start to blur with one another… Oh, and there was a lesbian subplot between Rutile and Padparadscha's exes and Rutile's current roommate…
“H-hey! You were Lapis’s roommate! Tell me everything you know about them. What's their zodiac sign? What's their favourite TV show? Do they have a favourite… vegetable?”
“Give it up, Ghost. It was an on set fling.”
“There were sparks, I tell you! Sparks!!!” Ghost shrieks, only to get a wave of dismissal from Lapis.
“There's no such thing.”
And then time travel, and, yeah… just got really weird.
“Maybe I'm at fault, too.”
Old Padparadscha??? Old Rutile??? The plot really gets weird….
And then Rutile wakes up.
***
They’re panting heavily, the television playing a certain hit series that's all the rage these days.
Padparadscha is there, raising an eyebrow at them. “Rutile? What's wrong?”
“I-I had the weirdest dream.”
“Really? What about?”
“I was a weird gem doctor and there were these gem people and moon enemies and there was a war and then it was the end of the world…?” Rutile rubs their forehead. “Look, I don't know either.”
“Hmm.” Padparadscha looks at the TV, watching the credits scene roll in. “They did give this as a freebie rental. For all my work. This is why you don't fall asleep during series binges. The last time I did that I had a dream I was—” Rutile eyes them, and they stop talking. “Forget it.”
“Uhh, no. Not when you say that.”
Padparadscha laughs, then gestures at the TV. “What's the series name again? I need to show this to Yellow.”
“...You still contact your ex?”
“You do too.” Cinnabar. “Answer my question. If it's weird considering your standards then it's definitely something?”
“It's weird because it was a dream!”
“That doesn't make any sense,” Padparadscha muses. “But it's still weird to you. That's a pretty high bar.”
Rutile glares at their partner, only to get another laugh in response. They scramble to search for the DVD cover. “Oh, here it is.”
“What's it called?”
“Land of the Lustrous.”