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This is the cover I created before realizing I can't really use it here :D As the sun set over the towering skyscrapers of New York City, the bustling metropolis transformed into a mysterious and intriguing world cloaked in darkness. It was a time when ambulances drove by more frequently. And with the sun setting down, the music in bars went up. People started to crawl out of their homes, most fashionably dressed in the latest style quirks Louis found quite questionable. And they all were lured inside those loud, crowded clubs by the enticing music.Louis found the meaning of this day in self-reflection and relaxation. The city that never sleeps was stressing him more than usual. Whenever the place's name manifested itself in Louis's work documents, he knew it meant trouble.Any mentions of New York never sounded fun for a pop star as big as him. New York meant never-ending energy-draining rehearsals and meetings so long and frustrating that Louis felt like ADHD should have made an appearance in his latest medical reports. Combined with the windy, rainy weather, Louis wished to be back in his hometown. In comparison to New York, Doncaster always won. This conclusion started to settle the longer Louis stayed in the States.His manager promised time to time to wait a little longer because: 'Oh, Louis! I understand the issue. And I'm sorry for any distress we've caused you. You know you're our golden boy! We want the best for you, surely. Just stay a little longer, please? I'll arrange the flight soon enough, promise!'And, because Louis was, in fact, their golden boy, he shrugged it off. In fact, the reasons supporting his decision to do so were sorta easy: Nobody waited for him at home, Liam was still quite astonished by New York and its charms, and Louis didn't have the willpower to fight against the management. It would have been something completely different if it were life-depending for him to go home. But, the absence of any lover in his life reminded him, yet again, how truly lonely it would be at his house in Doncaster.Here, he had Liam. And even though management offered multiple times over and over again to book Liam a hotel room, Louis refused every time. Their futile attempts to separate Louis and his assistant soon faded. Maybe they have realized this was a topic so silenced and forbidden by Louis that they couldn't win over.And those fruitless tries evaporated like the smoke coming from Louis's half-open lips. He sat on the couch, legs stretched out and body lax. He rested his head against the headrest, eyes closed and eyelids shining feebly in the reflection of the small corner lamp. Soft tunes sounded throughout the apartment, Louis's ears catching the melody so he could drum his fingers against the couch in symphony.The weed made it easier: The air around him was chilly and cool against his skin. His fingers moved precisely, and the music enveloped his entire being, muffling the anxious voices inside his brain. Living didn't feel as exhausting as minutes ago. And the knowledge of being trapped in New York with his manager holding the keys to the airplane didn't seem as caging and restricting as minutes ago. The music moved his world: Beats painted pictures in the darkness of his closed eyes. And his problems drifted further away with all the guitar solos.'Louis, your joint's gonna burn a hole in the carpet.' Liam's voice was distant, echoey. Louis imagined how the sound waves bumped against the walls of his brain, over and over again, like waves in the ocean, serene and calm.He quietly hummed in awareness, the sound coming from the back of his throat. Louis gripped the rolled joint tighter in his fingers, bringing it back to his lips to breathe in more of the soothing, hot smoke. He slowly opened his eyes, a flash of dimmed light casting a shadow on Liam's face. He stood by the couch, leaning on it with his eyebrows locked in a slight frown.'Everything alright?' Liam always gave this question more depth than it had. Louis always brought the seriousness down. It wasn't necessarily perfect, but nothing ever was. Perfection was a myth. Nothing could ever achieve the ideal status, for it had never existed.Louis uninterestedly hummed, his hand with joint falling back on the couch, hanging over it, suspended in the air, preventing burnt holes. 'UK's a little too far away, isn't it?' Louis slurred after a minute of comfy silence. His voice sat lower and had a unique rasp to it. Weed was to blame. The same could be said about the way he had asked. It wasn't Louis's usual tendency to whine about things that went wrong.Liam didn't answer. Frankly, he knew Louis well enough to learn that the man didn't want to hear any pitty. He only whined on rare occasions long enough for his brain to drop the subject utterly. 'Do you still remember Harry?'Louis's slow movements and cloudy mind cleared with the mention of the name. His blurred vision returned to Liam. Blue eyes carefully scanned Liam's soft features, and Louis's mind reasoned with itself. 'Haza, sunshine, baby, Harry?' Louis retorted back, slow and cautious.'Send you a letter.' Liam agreed sunnily, a sudden smile shining through. And Louis's chest was enveloped in more heat than now, no longer able to accuse the rolled-up weed.Louis scrambled to sit up, his weak limbs still in delirium from the opidium. But his mind found a better thing to be clouded by. 'What did it say?' He asked a little too eagerly for his own liking. Still, his heart began thumping faster. And the sudden dread of living fell off of his body in one quick motion.'Wouldn't know.' Liam shrugged, handing Louis a baby blue envelope. 'But I reckon you stop soon, yeah?' And then he eyed the rolled joint in Louis's loose grip, observing the burning roll suspiciously.Louis didn't even react. Everything felt far away as he eyed the neatly sealed envelope. He carefully opened it, pulling out a sheet of yellowish paper close to a parchment one, yet not as thin. Upon unfolding it, Louis's eyes drowned in the uncountable mounts of Harry's pretty and snug handwriting.
'Uhm... Hi, Lou.
This is Harry. I'm writing to inform you about the upcoming meeting of our secondary school class. Almost everybody is gonna show up, except, you know... some preppy people.
I know you're a pretty busy man. And I completely understand if you won't be able to attend. I just thought that it would be worth it to shoot my shot. You always told me you wouldn't mind me writing to you any time, any day. So... yeah.'
Louis felt his cheeks burning up. A charmed, sly grin spread over his face. And the feeling of youthfulness and carelessness pumped in his blood. Suddenly, he was eighteen again, riding on the high of adrenaline and delight of buying a house for himself and Harry, creating a safe space for his Haza.
'In case you wanna show up and your schedule is free. The meeting starts at six p.m. on the twenty-eight of this month at the local bar in London where we celebrated your eighteenth birthday. Nothing is required except your presence. The dress code is... pfff. Niall said it to be formal, so come in a suit if you feel like it.
Andddd I think this is all :) I hope it'll reach you since the woman I gave the letter to seemed reluctant to my request.
I CAN'T WAIT TO SEE YOU AGAIN!
All the love, H.'
The paper's usual lightness felt heavy against Louis's fingertips. His heart beat wildly, echoing in his ears and syncing with the background music. Eyes scanned over the words on repeat, mind busy with dopamine and drugs carrying the outcome to different levels.He brought the rolled joint to his cherry-red lips, taking another drag. It was a long, slow one. And Louis kept the smoke in his lungs longer than needed. The hot, heavy mist of letting go was warming him up inside. And with the surrounding fresh air, goosebumps sprung all over his golden skin. His eyes began heating up as well. So much that Louis felt a tear running down his flushed cheek.An unexplainable shot of dismay and dissatisfaction struck him like lightning. But the weed silenced the unbearable pain to a minimum. Numbness and indecisiveness lay sober in his drunken mind. And the baby blue envelope haphazardly lay on his crumpled, wrinkly sweatpants.Louis's gaze was blurry, now multiplied with the tears. Still, his vision caught up on something so small and hidden. He let the paper go, it falling on his covered chest. His hands reached out for the baby blue wrapper, unsure and cautious yet still greedy to see.His hands were shaking. Louis discovered that after holding the envelope close. On the backside, in the bottom left corner, was tiny, messy handwriting of Harry's. And Louis smiled again, with tears on his face and a deep, aching cut in his heart. He used to copy Harry's tests written in that exact rushy handwriting.
'I hope you're doing better now. I hope you've found yourself in the dark.'
Louis looked around himself in a haze. The apartment was enormous, with long glass panels covering the entire wall before him to see the scenery of New York. To have it in the palm of his hand. The ashtray on the coffee table was half-full, and near it were the thin papers and greens he used for the joint Liam had just grabbed from his loose, unwary grip.'I think it's enough for today, Lou.' Liam gently informed in a hushed tone. He walked away right after, leaving Louis in the blackened room.And then, with nobody around but the distinct smell of smoke and weed, Louis realized how far, much deeper into the darkness, he had fallen.
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
Light, soft tunes gently flew through the room, sounding tranquil. Louis faintly listened to each individual chord strummed. His mind was a mess of words and late-night thoughts. The melody made him feel less lonely in a vague and unclear sense. No matter the amount of distraction brought up, his mind came back to Harry's letter. And it was causing more stress than Louis wanted to feel.Distancing himself from currently occurring situations was wrong. Especially when it could be labeled as running away rather than facing the issue. Louis, of course, knew that. But it was still easier than tackling individual problems. He was never into American football anyway. A bad joke. Louis knew that as well.His fingers stopped with the delicate moves. The other hand holding the guitar's neck hugged the guitar strings. And the room fell into frightening silence. Louis scanned the carpet on which he sat. It was bright red with black stitched elements that didn't portray much. It looked like his thoughts - inconsistent and mushy. Still, it was art. His music was art. And his art came from his thoughts.'How long 've you been here for?' Liam's voice rang in Louis's mind like a bell. Intuitively looking at the door, Louis found Liam taking off his coat.'Fancy clothing, Payno,' Louis remarked with a silly grin. He gently laid the guitar down, getting up on shaky, unstable legs. 'Ready for a date?' Dodging a question of somebody else with his own was Louis' specialty. Liam sighed over Louis' expected defense, feebly shaking his head.'Not sure if shagging Simon sounds appealing.' Liam dismissed gently, face forming into a grimace. In response, Louis loudly laughed, walking over to Liam. He threw his arms over Liam's shoulders, hiding in the created hug.'You okay?'Suddenly, the joking and light atmosphere vamoosed. If it were for Liam, he envisioned Louis' breakdown to happen yesterday after the multiple re-readings of Harry's letter. To his surprise, Louis held on to something so powerful that it kept him going till this day. It was a recurring situation. But it was rather exhausting to convince someone to seek help from a professional. Especially when that someone was as stubborn as Louis was.'Louis?'The rumble of his name snapped Louis out. He patted Liam on the back, clenching his jaw as he stepped behind. 'We still have like... an hour left.' Louis announced in a hushed tone, facing away from Liam, walking to his guitar with vision tilted to the ground.'If you- Uhm,' Clearing his throat was a pretty obvious sign. Liam furrowed his eyebrows, unintentionally but understandably so. Watching as Louis struggled always hurt something inside him. 'If you wanna go somewhere, you can. I- I'm gonna take a shower, I reckon.' Louis cluelessly pointed at the white, blank bathroom door. He picked the guitar up with his vision glassy and hazy.But upon trying to lift it, Liam's hands appeared around the guitar's neck right next to his. Louis' gaze flew up, showing off his glazed water-color eyes that were meant to be kept hidden.'You don't have to pretend, Louis.' More tears sprang up in response to Liam's words. Louis tried to push them away, hide them a little longer; The bathroom door wasn't so far away from him. It meant silence and weed. And if weed was the cost for him to stop thinking and let the whole world slow down, he would take it.'I'm fine.' Louis murmured softly, voice ever so lightly breaking at the end. Gently pushing the guitar into Liam's grip, Louis looked up at Liam again, showing off his pearly white teeth. 'Just knock on me whenever, yeah?' Louis asked before taking a few long steps towards the bathroom, closing himself in.Liam was the first who insisted on keeping a secret stash in the bathroom. Sometimes, during the creative process of writing songs, they both needed a little push. And the magical greens seemed to do a pretty good job at that. Upon more usage, Louis found out it was easier to take a blow of a joint than try to think of bullshit that daily sprinted through his mind.He wasn't a drug addict. Liam would never allow him to drop that low. Neither would his management. Louis's reputation meant too much for the company to go to waste. And Louis was constantly running between things that would be good for the recording company and what his manager would like. Feeling tired from all of this was understandable. And so nobody batted an eyelash when Louis occasionally came to a meeting, smelling of weed or many cigars.Now, Louis lighted up another joint, taking a long drag that he inhaled into his lungs. It hit him deep. A sensation so overwhelmingly known and comforting yet shocking with its strength and power. Louis rested against the cold bathroom tiles, his body weight slowly dragging him down until he didn't become a lump of body mass on the unwelcoming floor.Tears of despair and self-hatred finally freed themselves as Louis curled into a helpless ball, wishing this to stop. Risking a wrong trip from weed was very likely in this situation. But Louis had had enough since yesterday. The letter was an unforgettable mark in his stained mind. Reaching into his pocket, Louis's shaking fingertips wrapped around a thin paper. He had carried it around since yesterday.Just touching the envelope was enough. It felt warmer than Louis' hand. And when Louis closed his eyes, he dreamed of Harry's hand in his, tightly holding each other, skin on skin, with light autumn wind blowing into them.
'Will you ever come back?' Harry's whisper was anxious and scratchy. His hands were shaky, and his green eyes were wide. Louis took a deep breath, pressing his lips tight together while watching over Harry.
'I-' Louis cleared his throat. The atmosphere was heavy and dragging. He gently grabbed Harry's hands into his, thumbs eagerly massaging Harry's warm skin. 'I'm not sure, Harry.'
Harry's posture remained, but his eyes showed Louis everything. The two green orbs suddenly glazed over with tears, bottom lip wobbling so much Harry had to catch it between his teeth. Louis found honesty was quite a bitch.
'But I'd never forget you, darling.' Louis promised in a rushed completion of his words. The mere idea of leaving his boy behind sounded hideous. But Harry wasn't looking, so Louis pressed Harry's hands on his chest in a desperate attempt for attention. 'I'll always have you here,' Harry looked at him with confusion, eyes large and tears slowly rolling down his rosy-red cheeks.
'B-But-'
A sob escaped Harry's lips. It was a quiet and pathetic sound, half muffled by Harry's feeble tries. Louis gently tutted, hand reaching out to wipe the tears away. 'Wh-Why are you lea-leaving, Lou?' It nearly broke Louis's heart.
'Because this town is suffocating me.' Louis wanted to say. He instead reacted with a slow and unsure response.
'I need to find myself, Harry. I- I'm living in the dark right now.'
Harry stared at him from down, a crushed and exhausted expression on his young face. He suddenly squeezed Louis's hands tight, pressing more onto him. Louis felt how Harry pressed his crying face into his neck and how convulsively he held onto Louis. And so he hugged Harry back, bitting on his cheeks to prevent the salty tears from pouring.
Little did the young boy know the dark wasn't hiding in London's foggy streets.
'Louis!'Liam was knocking on the door. The loud, dull noises Liam's knuckles created were a good base layer of beats. Instead of responding, Louis took another harsh breath. He was coming back from something. Not entirely able to put his finger on it, Louis decided to drench in the weightiness and darkness of the moment. He pondered whether there could have been a different life. Perhaps, one where he was distinct from his nowadays fucked-up self.'Louis! Are you okay?!'When Liam's voice reached that deepness and amount of concern, Louis hummed loud enough to make himself known. He wasn't really planning on getting out of the bathroom. The mere idea sounded terrible in his head. Simon could fucking fuck off as well as everyone else.Louis rested his head against the cold tiles. The brisk, cooling disparity was a nice change for his inflamed body. Louis pressed his eyelids tight shut, willing the tears to evaporate. Instead, they sprung free, and then it was just spiraling.Covering his mouth so he wouldn't create so much noise was a common reoccurrence. Louis hated it. He also hated whatever this had happened for. Letting the letter go, he hugged his knees, holding the excess fabric of his oversized sweatpants in a death grip. Chocking on his sobs always felt comforting in one sense, unnerving in the other. Liam always told him tears were good to let go.'It's no use to bottle them, lad.' Liam always told him in that gentle tone. But Louis never knew if it was to be taken seriously. Louis sometimes felt as if Liam said this only to soothe the pain. But Louis didn't need reassurance over his actions being childish.He was an adult. Even though not many have treated him as such.'Louis? Open the door,'Again, humming in awareness was the only response. Opening the door while uncontrollably shaking wasn't a skill Louis had equipped over the years. 'Right now, Louis.' A sudden fury took over Louis's mind in a way so powerful he didn't understand. Orders. Again. As if he really were just a child.'Louis, I need you to talk to me now, lad.' Louis gritted his teeth together, biting his inner cheek. The temperature in his body heightened more and more.'I'm fine, Liam!' Louis himself flinched over the feral growl that escaped his lips. It was so raw and grave, breaking in the middle and turning into a pitiful whisper. The joint kept burning, now lying on the floor and succumbing to its unfulfilled potential. Louis watched in suffocating silence as the flame slowly vanished into grey strings that flew to the ceiling in fast, uneven mounts. Just like him. So unorganized and wasted for nothing.Louis bathed in the silence for a little longer. It ate him from the inside, gradually feasting on his flesh. It poisoned him with the amounts of foolish and unnecessary wrong-doing he had just done. And the gut-wrenching sickness over his actions turned into other salty tears.'I...' The ground suddenly felt unstable. And that one or two weak hits Louis took weren't enough to occupy his energetic mind. 'I'm sorry, Liam.' A frail, wimpy apology in the form of a hiccuping whisper. Louis looked at the bathroom door, half expecting Liam to leave, half hoping he would. To give Louis a lesson he so much deserved.'Can you come out?' Louis sniffled into his worn-out sleeves, harshly wiping his face to the point his skin burnt. The scorching sensation was a painful reminder of his mishaps but a deserved one nonetheless.'F-Five minutes?' Louis asked hopefully, eyeing the door fearfully. He heard Liam's unhappy sigh, filled to the brim with uncommunicated worry and harry. Louis understood. No wonder Liam was annoyed with him. He was too much to handle for anyone. Still, it kicked right into his heart. A feeble, tiny kick that created thousands of small, surface-level cracks throughout his heart.Louis found he had many of those. They were easy to create. Almost impossible to recover from.Sluggishly rising was a harsh experience. Louis had many of those. Arising from the ground after a rough fall full of mistakes. Instead of focusing on the unerasable errors, Louis splashed cold water on his face. It didn't wake him up in the slightest. In fact, the whole world fell into a foggy, turbulent trance. The blunders were still there. Louis felt them pushing on the thin wall of the blunder paddock. As if they were fighting to break free of their bounds.It was a usual occurrence. Many mishaps were crowded in that small, imaginary part of Louis's brain. Louis understood they didn't want to become one in a million. Neither did he. But here he was. Another ordinary person: Achieveing his childhood wishes. But under what cost?Liam's loud knock on the door reminded Louis of the five-minute mark. 'Louis? You coming?' Louis quickly snatched the joint into his hand, rushing to open the door with his face still damp with waterdrops falling onto the soft fabric of his sweater.Louis was met with Liam's face, wrinkled with concern and anxiety. Liam's brown eyes made a quick glance around. They zeroed in on every feature on Louis's face. Liam's mouth hadn't moved, not once. But he knew. Louis's eyes were still red, lips bitten, and hair wildly ruffled. Liam's pupils have suddenly dilated. And Louis watched in unfocussed confusion as Liam reached out, pulling the rolled joint from his hands.'You're bleeding...' Louis squinted his eyes in pure concentration, licking his lips in nervousness. Liam was talking. And he wasn't comprehending at all. 'Your hand, Louis.'Following Liam's words, Louis's eyes drifted to his hands. His right hand had blood on it. An adequately inconvenient dash of dark-red liquid on the palm of his hand. Louis examined in bewilderment, eyes widening over the unexpected sight.'I-...' No words came to the witty response box. And so Louis stood there, defenseless, lost. The pain wasn't there. The numbness scared him the most.'Let's clean it together, yeah?' Liam jockeyed his way around Louis, walking inside the bathroom. But Louis stayed in his place. The ground morphed in his vision, the edges of his vision blurring and sending black dots into the obscenely developed picture. Everything felt dull. The sounds, the thoughts. The lack of usual sharpness missed Louis's living body. And Louis felt more detached than in ordinary circumstances.'Louis?' Louis turned around. Liam stood by the sink, placing a first-aid kit on the firm, polished edge. 'Come here, yeah?'Instead of complying, Louis furrowed his eyebrows. His brain functioned, but his lips were tight-locked, refusing to pronounce the words out loud.'I- What-?' Looking over his slightly bloody hand again, Louis blinked too many times, lightheading himself.'The joint burnt you, Louis.' Liam softly explained, walking over to put a supporting hand under Louis's arm. 'But I'll clean it up, okay? It'll be just fine.' The promise sounded sweet and genuine. Louis went with Liam's suggestive, light pulling without protest. He was too far away to fully comprehend anything to its full potential anyway.
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
'You should perform in London.'Louis didn't respond right away. He let the unfortunate statement linger over the uneasiness in his head. If it were for a taxi, Louis would respond right away. His management didn't like it when his acts portrayed unwillingness and indecisiveness towards his job. 'You are doing something the public is convinced you love. Don't you love it, Louis? Then act like it.' Simon used to advise him quite often. That was until the reminder hadn't taken matters into its own hands. Carving itself a permanent emblem in Louis's brain. Now, it was a constant mark in his stained mind. A lifelong, false advice he had fallen victim to.'I don't want to perform anywhere right now, Liam.' Louis murmured, voice a soft and light combination of grief over the previous, small argument. Louis pressed his cheek against the chilly window, fingers toying with his bandaged hand.'I know you don't, Louis.' Liam acknowledged gravely, taking another turn. Louis thought it was over. The conversation as a whole obviously didn't have anywhere else to go. It was a lost cause, just like Louis himself. Misery was packed with Louis. Louis was stocked with misery.'Thought, understand this,'Clearing his throat to ready himself for a point. Louis had always seen this as a parental move more than anything else. Logical thinking and solving skills were something Liam had possessed since a young age. Louis never fully comprehended why this lad stuck with him. Based on Liam's IQ, Louis thought it an apparent and smooth realization of the stupidity and immaturity he had acquired.'Simon won't let you go to the UK just like that.'The pure announcement was a correct yet incredibly harsh depiction for Louis's ears to bear. Instead of answering, Louis blew onto the window, drawing stars into the clearing fog. He saw kids on the streets while he did so.Mounts of moving people turned into smudged, colorful bloops. Louis noticed a trio of kids. They were enjoying the afternoon sun with warming grins on their faces. Walking side by side, taking up almost the whole pavement, but still rolling while one kid pushed a bicycle by his side. The other two were seemingly empty-handed, jokingly stumbling into each other rather clumsily. Louis missed the childish innocence and wasted nights outside with the lads.It was all just a mysterious mist of memories now. The whole plate of the sour and sweet palette was covered with the ancient concrete of lost connections, sharp mishaps, and slipping time.'What if I fight?' Louis asked. The suddenly spoken thought brought a quiet, unnerved sigh from Liam's lips. And Louis already knew the answer. But there was a hasty, unusual spark of hope and childish rebellion in his heart.'Louis, fighting's never an option.'They drove onto the company's parking lot. Louis was glad they didn't have another PR stunt in yet another carelessly chosen, fancy restaurant. Whoever came up with the idea of having a serious, discussing meeting in a public space was a moron. Louis still remembered the stale taste of wine and the anxiety that made him drink more to soothe his descending nerves.'I just wanted to say we're one call away from a full-on concert if needed.' Louis nodded in awareness, stepping out of the car prudently. He looked around, quick eyes scanning his dim surroundings.Being public meant putting on a persona. People could get the worst impressions from anything because they liked to read into things. And the assuming public signaled problems for the company. Whether it was the fashion of his walk, talk, or his unreadable gaze into the camera lens of a close-by photographer. Louis had to act as the golden boy he was. Which meant all smiles and sunshine. Always polite, never the drama starter, occasionally cheeky. Since his fans loved that side of Louis a lot.Louis remembered the one day he acted up. It meant showing emotion. And Simon wasn't pleased nor impressed. He screamed way too much, accusing Louis of sudden sales drops that he couldn't have had any effect on. But once you fucked up, you became the black sheep. It was so effortless and overly uncomplicated to throw all the burning, shaming blame on the fallout of the group.Louis walked into the grim building with grace and sureness in his steps. Liam followed his lead, not nearly as confident and composed as Louis. His brown eyes unsurely stared into Louis's back. But Louis was lost in the shameless act he put on. He was happy now. Like he was supposed to be. Assured, untouchable, and casual. Elegance himself in a human form.'Ello,' Louis greeted the secretary at the reception, putting on a light smile. 'We've got a meeting with Simon.' Pronouncing his name with more of a hiss in a fruitless attempt to calm his boiling feelings.The young boy kindly smiled, humming while searching through the system. Louis scanned over his facial features with wonder. He looked much more adolescent than him. The light, unsure twitching fingers portrayed the probability of new flesh, freshly out of school. The spark of life in his bright, hazel eyes showed the human kindness the industry hadn't had time to destroy yet. And he had a genuine, heartwarming smile.'Mr. Cowell is already awaiting you, sir.' The boy confirmed gently. Raising his eyes from the too-bright screen to look at Louis. Their eyes met. Bright, lively eyes meeting the blue, cold, confident ones.'Uhm-' A sudden, uncalled-for blush sprung into the boy's skinny cheeks. Quickly double-checking the screen and nervously clearing his throat. 'Mr. Cowell's office is the meeting's place.' Louis nodded, still unabashedly staring at the flustered boy.'Thank you, buddy,'Louis has been suddenly led away with Liam's firm grip. They walked through the halls, Louis dragged by the soul force. Once the distance reached a certain point, Liam let go, shaking his head. 'You okay?''He reminded me of Harry,' Louis shakily breathed out. He felt Liam's questioning gaze on him but didn't dare follow to create eye contact. Instead, Louis licked his dry lips, anxiously scratching on his dark stubble.'Louis,' The quiet breath Liam let out was pitiful. It slightly showed Liam's unsureness on the best way of approaching this forsaken topic. But Louis dismissively shook his head, waving his hand in the air. A sign to forget it.'He could never be Harry anyway.' Louis murmured before stepping to Simon's office's door, cautiously grabbing the door handle.The iron burned on his anxiety-cold skin. Louis turned to Liam, deer-like, teary eyes cautiously observing. 'You talk?' Louis suggested in a measured tone. Liam opened his mouth. Another question on Louis's health state dragged over his tongue like a snake. Slowly crawling until the urge wouldn't achieve a spoken level.'Yeah, sure,' Liam's sure agreement severely shrunk Louis's panic. Taking a last deep breath, Louis grabbed the piece of shaped iron tighter. Opening the door felt like diving into a cold, unwelcoming sea.The office was bright and shining with colors. But upon the many visits, Louis had already learned the most terrible, threatening experiences awaited him in the light. His first step inside was greeted by Simon's ringing voice.'It's nice to see you, lads!'Louis ignored him. Instead, he gave one respectable nod, walking to the conference table. He had sat there many times before. Always suffering, never winning.Louis noticed how Liam took off his coat. But riding himself off his clothes seemed like a downfall to Louis. The thinner the layers, the easier the access to his heart. The mentality never seemed to function. No matter the day, Louis had always left with more damaging scratches on his weakening heart. But the heavy, warm coatings of fabric gave him a false sense of comforting security.The couch's expensive leather squeaked under Liam's weight. It was a quiet, dry sound. And Louis felt completely trapped once Simon sat across them in a pricey, posh-looking armchair.'What can I do for you today?'Louis almost scoffed over the asked query. By this time, he should have embraced Simon's superiority and pretentiousness. The way he asked made Louis frown into his lap. An arrogant, egoistical, and exaggerated execution of so few little words.'Well, our request can wait for the end if-''Don't be silly, Liam.' Simon denied, readily and steadily. Louis knew that Simon knew. And when he raised his gaze to look at the man, their eyes met in a clashing, raw contact. He knew. 'What is it that we have an urgent meeting for, boys? Usually, I have to chase you around the whole world before you scuttle into my office.'Snickering, degrading, pushing, and pulling until one wouldn't fall over the notional border. Louis cleared his throat, tightly clenching his jaw. He shifted on his seat in discomfort, anxiously scratching at his wrists. Simon's acknowledgment of the more emotional in the group came early after signing the contract.After all, Louis got mad at him for the sudden, unnecessary postponement of his album drop. Was there a necessity to hold up the release? Not really. But it was the only possible, sane way of finding out who was the more mentally stable one. Louis had no stability whatsoever. The thing highly complicating Louis's situation was that he wasn't the only one who knew about his sudden emotional outbursts.'I want to fly to the UK,' Louis rasped out. It wasn't a question, politely and pleasantly pronounced with the myth of the golden boy Louis had in his title. But it wasn't a demand either. Louis's voice was stone cold, reaching and provocatively poking something inside Liam that made his stomach turn in uncertainty.'I'm afraid that can't happen.' Simon stated clearly, his voice as measured and stable. He scooched over to the armchair's edge with nonchalance. 'And I'm also afraid you have too much to say.' Louis's frown deepened while his hopes lessened. Simon grabbed a stacked paper file from the unhealthily organized coffee table, sluggishly listing through the documents with a devilish smirk.'May I remind you there should be another album on its way?' Simon questioned lightly. Long, slim fingers pulled out a piece of paper, harshly shoving it into Louis's hands. 'Or, perhaps, you have forgotten by now? Our little, forgetting golden boy ?'A spat so dangerous and hissing Louis almost felt Simon's saliva on his skin. He clenched his jaw tight. Curious, ocean eyes cautiously scanned over the A4 format paper. Amongst the blocks of small-lettered text were a few highlighted sentences. Louis read through them in sickening silence, muscles clenching to keep the emotions at bay.Of course, he should have been prepared for Simon's various, compelling intrigues. A cold chill ran down his spine, the childish want to defy rapidly descending. Until all Louis was left with was anxious fear that rawly picked at his skin and harshly shoved ideas into Louis's numbed, empty mind. The realization was obvious and close, yet still hard to grasp;Simon had put the folder on the table long before they arrived. It lay perfectly aligned with the coffee table's dull, sanded edges. Simon knew all along. Louis's stomach made another sickening loop, shaky fingers holding the paper tightly.'Uhm, I think a new album came out this November?' Liam jumped into the discussion. It was a light, defending weight, adding invisible, surely irrelevant points to Louis's side. But Simon hastily sighed, rolling his eyes with a smug, calculating smirk.'Time is money, Liam.'A repetitive, closing reminder Simon willed to recite recurrently. It was arrogant and rather stupid to mention. Especially since Louis knew how much money Simon had from everything he had achieved. He had also seen the mounts of written-off money from his paychecks. They all went to Simon's bank account. Louis seriously doubted the extent of sheer vocation Simon had to put to excess this career peak he had so allegedly managed to provide for himself.'I- I can't write anything in New York.'Simon's sharp gaze pinned on Louis. Shining, sparkling glitter of faked, mocking pitty. Louis was highly aware of Simon's preying look. He also acknowledged the failure his voice had brought to the discussion. The tone of someone fragile and scared. An impression of a dear in headlights Louis didn't want. But it came along with the title of the golden boy he was.'You can't?' Simon questioned boldly, slapping the paper file on the table. Louis's arm jerked in alert, a sudden movement he couldn't cover up for.'Well, allow me to remind you, dear Louis.' Simon pronounced with a half-smirk forming on his thin lips. His eyes scanned Louis's trembling, tense body with a devilish indulgence. 'It's your job. And I thought you liked your job? That it truly made you happy.'Louis's gaze fogged with tears over the mention of happiness. Everything was dull. And nothing sounded exciting or purposeful. Louis hung his head low, ashamed and humbled. How could he be a good person when he didn't enjoy the job he so much yearned for?The deafening silence manifested as a transparent clarification of Louis's growing doubts and descending mood. And then Louis put the balls of his shoes on the couch's edge, shrinking more onto himself, seeking shelter behind his legs.'Or were you lying, Louis?' Louis's eyes widened, worry distributing the blood faster through his body. Was he lying? No, no, no, he wasn't. He still enjoyed creating music. Right? It was nothing short of a few bad- ...days? Weeks?'Are you lying to all of us, Louis? To your fans?'Louis looked at Simon from behind his legs. His dilated, wild eyes shone with the large, silent tears of confusing frailty. Louis shook his head fast to ensure his always-present reliability with his still-burning passion for music. And Simon gave a short, supercilious snort, not bothering to play believing.'I-I promise I n-never lied.' A weak, defensive whisper that didn't fool anyone. Simon cleared his throat loudly, an abhorrent signal shutting the topic.'Was there anything else, or did we waste time for nothing?'Louis's mouth opened in a quiet disagreement. But nothing left his red, raw-bitten lips except for a muffled hm. Simon's eyes distastefully zeroed in on Liam, determining Louis's rebellious want to wreck plans vanished.'There could be a concert in London.' Liam lightly suggested, gently reaching out for a reassuring touch of Louis's arm. But his attempts were discarded by an unexpected, stingy slap by Louis's small, dainty hand.'Really?' Liam agreed with a silent nod, wary eyes scanning Louis's unsettled, edgy body language with unsaid worry. 'Where?'Over the place mention, even Louis's glazed eyes turned to Liam. And Liam looked away, clenching his jaw while guilt coursed through him in waves. 'The O2 arena,' Pronounced almost in a whisper as if the drenching blame wouldn't hear.'But that sounds incredible!' Liam dully nodded, searching gaze moving back to Louis. But Louis dodged Liam's questioning eyes, curling more onto himself.When something sounded incredible, it meant it brought a lot of money. And if there were loads of promised cash, there was also a big stadium capacity. Louis's heart feebly jumped over the connection.'Well, boys,' Simon sighed heavily, preparing for another, wholly different act. 'If you told me before this little theater,' one quick, disgusted glance over at Louis, 'we could have made a deal.'Liam furrowed his eyebrows. 'Could have?''I see you're catching on fast, Liam.' Simon smiled slightly, giving a respectful nod. 'I want more than one show.'And then all the chances shattered right before Louis's eyes. He clawed at his clothed thighs, resting his forehead on his knees in a feeble attempt to cover for his salty, despairing tears.'You have to understand, Liam.' Simon hoped loudly. 'I'm just an old man. I deserve compensation for constantly dealing with this stupid, golden boy.'Liam's tongue tied into a tight knot. From the corner of his eye, Liam saw how Louis's hunched back shook with the simple assault. Thousands of small, tiny pins of regret and remorse pinned all over Liam's body. And Liam nervously scratched over the imaginary pins while unsurely nodding.'Two shows, then?' Liam murmured defencelessly.'Would be good. Certainly, a reason to fly out to the UK.' Simon agreed sleazily with a small, wrinkly smile. 'Don't forget to send me the details as soon as possible.' With a vicious wink, Simon got up from his warm spot, striding to the door with shameless confidence. No signs of embarrassment over his gooey, disgusting mentality tactics.'You can fly out right tomorrow.'Simon announced merrily before leaving the room. His voice was airy and kind, as if this proclaimer was gifted, more than fought for. But looking at shattered, shaking Louis, Liam knew the truth. And upon cladding crying Louis in a warm, soothing hug, Liam realized how far away the vision of perfect life was.