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the tape whirred rhythmically as he rewound it. “did-“ the voice zipped by in reverse before repeating itself. “did she ever try to defend herself?” nibs closed his eyes, braced himself for the worst part. the second voice replied tepidly, “she stabbed me in the shoulder with her pocketknife. um, no, switchblade. only one time, though.”“and you were unfazed?”“well i was running off a lot of-“ nibs jabbed a button and watched as the rest popped back into neutral position. tipping back the rest of his cheap beer, he let the cool, wheaty taste run over his tongue. already he’d downed three of six, something he argued made his mind clearer. he popped the tab to his fourth. erika offered to take him in, to house both he and bryce. it was a nice thing to do, especially when the news broke and he was at the (assumed) height of his disrepair. nibs had refused. he couldn’t abandon his apartment, not when it was one of the only places he could still imagine her in. she’d stood in the kitchen, she’d popped a window in the bedroom, she’d stabbed collum only once, one time, one time in the shoulder with her switchblade pocketknife. he pushed the tape player away from him. he tried, he really did, to not get drunk when bryce was around. he didn’t want to be that kind of influence on her, and he certainly didn’t want to scare her with his suicidal swings in mood. of course, try as he me might, with the door locked in his bedroom late at night, nibs found it easy to pretend he was alone. he knew that if erika learned of his fixation over the confession, about how often he would wind and replay it, she’d take it away. like a shameful child he hid his minor obsession from her. he needed this right now. he needed to ease himself into the idea of hearing collum’s voice again. there was no other way and nibs, more than anything, had to see him face to face, to have a substantial conversation. one where he didn’t cry, preferably. he’d made this decision the second he’d heard the words leave collum’s lips. grainy, tinged audio over the news, i killed her. nibs knew it was true. maybe he should’ve known since the stabbing, since the hospital, since the jailing. whatever. the timing didn’t make any of this easier. while shopping for bryce, nibs finally broke down to erika. sitting on the edge of the mall fountain, he’d explained everything that had happened. all the gorey details, the most shameful parts. instead of unwelcoming disgust, erika held him in her arms, let him sob and apologize. cruelly, the universe wouldn’t let him fully accept this comfort, not when he could imagine it coming from jamie. jamie. the other day, filing inconsequential legal papers into their respective folders (his new part time job under erika), he had almost found himself praying. nibs needed to talk to her; it was beyond a matter of guilt, now. he just wanted to hear her voice. he could barely remember it. sometimes, though he’d admit this to no one, he still saw her. tonight it was raining. heavy downpour drummed at his windowpane, a steady beat of water. like second nature, nibs downed his new beer, reveling in the shitty alcohol and hint of something mildewy. there was no recordings of jamie’s voice. a few grimy VHS’s from the bottom of her film collection had granted a sunburnt recollection of a person with her face, with her skin, with her teeth. someone he barely knew, a stranger. not truly her. in one movie she was laying on the floor of a bathroom. like a parrot, whenever the videographer laughed she would too, a rough mimic interspersed with coughing. in another she asked the camera what they were doing for dinner that night. beneath her nose was a smudge of white. he hated them, he hated the tapes. they felt like a joke he wasn’t in on, like the puppeteering of a beloved corpse. he wanted to destroy them, something he would do if not for the chance of bryce finding out. half-secretly, nibs feared what she would think if she watched them. he kept them hidden for now. a compromise. everything was complicated, frustratingly still complicated. bringing the can to his lips, nibs was surprised to find he had already emptied it. he glanced at the remaining two, still bound in plastic rings. if he drank them now he was sure to wake up with a disaster of a hangover. then again, he’d already had four, so how much worse could it get? it should’ve gotten easier, right? once he came clean to erika, once collum admitted to some of his fault? the weight on his chest, it should’ve lifted. he wanted to tear out his hair. when he’d been there, seated at his table in his apartment, apologizing, nibs had felt his insides liquify. it wasn’t genuine, he knew this. the way collum looked at him, heavy-eyed and callous, it meant he wanted something. there was no action without intention. none of that mattered, not in the moment, not in the mouth-dry moment of collum so close he could reach out and touch his face saying honest to god that he was sorry, nibs. he was so so sorry. it had been an apology riddled with lies. it meant nothing. still. i did you wrong, i am sorry. i made mistake after mistake, i am sorry. nibs hated to think what would’ve happened if collum hadn’t touched him, hadn’t accidentally snapped him out of his fugue state. would he have accepted it? he wanted to say no. he needed the answer to be no. in the dark, laying on his side in bed, sometimes he would freeze, sleep paralysis holding him down, forcing his eyes wide. she was right there, right there beside him, staring at him. some nights she looked terrified. some nights she looked angry. some nights she was covered in bruises and blood. some nights she touched him, cold fingers fanning his face, head tucked to his chest. he could never speak, never say her name, not even in whisper. a waking nightmare. blinking hazily at the tape player in front of him, nibs crushed the empty beer in his fist. nothing left. he laid his head on his hands, knees cramped from being tucked beneath him for so long, kitchen chair pushed into a corner, right up close with his bedside table. the lamp cast an orange circle on the scuffed wood, snow globe glittering beside a water stain. he needed to call karina tomorrow, talk a few things over with erika, go grocery shopping. they were out of cereal; his fault. he closed his eyes. snorting as jamie splashed him with water, nibs swiped his face with the palm of his hand. “fuck you!” everything else was quiet, another slow, languid morning on the pond. it was always worth the hike, even if jamie made them take a five minute rest every two minutes. their secluded, warm pool and their cheap row boat. “i just want you to get in the water with me,” jamie made a sweeping motion with her arm, stirring a cloud of pond scum. “i’m lonely.”“one of us has to stay in the boat, idiot,” nibs dropped his hand over the side, her wet fingers sliding into his. “otherwise we’d get stranded out here and drown.” rolling her eyes, jamie scoffed, dunking her head under the water. when she resurfaced, her face glimmered under the nine o’clock sun. “we can just hold onto the boat.”“you saw how well that worked last time.” a horsefly buzzed past his ear, loud and fat. swatting blindly, nibs dropped her hand. “and? we didn’t drown, we were fine.” “don’t pretend you didn’t have a full on asthma attack trying to get back in the boat.”“why’re you being such a killjoy? come on, dude. swim with me.” he looked down at her, arms spinning little whirlpools as she tread water. nibs wasn’t sure why he was being so hesitant. the rowboat had a singular, splintering bench in the middle, sun dried and made terribly uncomfortable. it was hot, he was restless and already shirtless. the pond was tepid and welcoming, with jamie smiling up at him. why not? she was so close he could almost grab her, let her pull him in. why not? it was siren-like, this draw to the water; he wanted to give into the lure. why not? ripples rocked the water gently, a cradle. why not? erika poked him. taking a second to regain his bearings, nibs lifted his head from floor, can crunching as he pushed himself into a sitting position. everything else melted away despairingly fast, reality an ice bath; he was in his bedroom, sprawled out on the ground, drooling on his arms. “huh,” he managed, mouth dry and sticky with sleep. it wasn’t early september, it wasn’t 1984. he wasn’t watching jamie swim impatient laps around him. she was dead and he was recovering from his dream. “what are you doing here?”crouched down beside him, erika ran her hand through her hair. “bryce let me in, told me you’d been drinking,” her voice quieted. “she seemed scared, are you okay?” his migraine was starting to make itself known, a sharp throbbing in his forehead. “i’m, um, okay,” nibs tried not to wince, palm clutching his face. each exhale gave him something new to stew over. for instance; bryce knew? if she knew about the alcohol, what else might there be? “what time is it?” “12:30,” she handed him a glass of water, greedily swallowed as fast as he could manage. “you were out for a while.” “ugh,” everything ached like he’d been asleep for a millennia, an old god curled up under a rock, nursing a hangover. “that’s… shit.” “you wanna get off the floor?” nibs hesitated, slightly humiliated by his situation. everyday would provide a new low and, even worse, everyday he’d take it up on its offer. “i guess. nothing going on for me down here.”bryce pretended not to notice him at first, even though she’d clearly been watching the door just before their entrance to the kitchen. “hi,” she sputtered, oddly formal. “good morning.” arm tossed around his shoulder, erika pulled nibs closer. “hi! i saved your sleeping beauty for you.” he leaned into it, smiling meekly, raising a hand. overall apologetic, trying to look smaller than he was, like a more sympathetic creature. managing to elicit a hint of a grin, erika released him, squinting her eyes in his general direction as if to say sorry-but-thanks. he nodded in understanding. “thanks,” bryce seemed to warm up to their presence a little more, cautiously looking them over. this hesitancy worried nibs; all of the reluctance felt like a severe step back from how she’d been just a day or so ago. right when it seemed like bryce had begun to feel at home (if you could call it that) around him, she’d leapt right back to being jumpy and nervous. had he done something significant he couldn’t remember? or was his regular behavior enough to wear her back to square one all by itself? “are you guys doing anything today?” struggling to remember the plans he had drunkenly made the night before, nibs let erika take the lead. “nibs needed to talk to me about something, but other than that,” he winced as she shrugged. he had asked her to talk, hadn’t he? “nothing.” “groceries,” nibs blurted, waving his hand wildly. “i gotta grab some groceries.” “no more cereal,” said bryce in agreement. this was what conversations were like, now. coughing into the crook of his arm, nibs glanced over to erika. about our talk… a clever disguise for the tension is unbearable, get me out of here.shooting a look to the still blank-faced bryce, erika grabbed nibs’ arm. “you wanna make a list of other stuff? we’re just going to speak out in the hall. if you need us, don’t be afraid to interrupt. we’ll be quick.” “you can’t say what it’s about? not in front of me?” they couldn’t even make it to the door before she objected. still held at the wrist, nibs frowned, contrite. why she was choosing to be difficult now he could not understand. his brain practically overheated as he tried to brew up a worthy response. thankfully, rather than force him to come up with some lukewarm excuse, erika shook her head. “it’s private, just for now, okay?” head turned in childish defiance, bryce mumbled a reply. it must’ve been some kind of blessing to step outside, because erika dove on the opportunity, yanking nibs out of his apartment. she leaned against the wall, heavy sigh escaping her. “what’s up between you two? did something happen?” “i don’t know,” nibs grumbled in response, rubbing his temples, a useless attempt to get his migraine to abide. “she’s very on and off.” or, as collum had put it, a crazy hormonal teenager.at the heavy clunk of footsteps he quieted, watching the hall carefully as his neighbor half-shuffled-half-marched by. meek, nibs gave a vague gesture of a wave, met with a calculating glare. the infamy one article alone had gifted him ended up sticking around, oddly enough, especially among the other tenants in the building. awkward, but not anything legally challenging, not anymore, not when the real culprit had aired out his crimes on record. which was why he was here. “erika, this is going to sound stupid, but please don’t just disagree immediately.”“not a promising start,” she cocked her head. “but okay.”call his sister, of course, that was the third thing. he should’ve done that before jumping head first into this altercation. whatever, too late now. “yeah,” throat dry, nibs looked to his feet, too ashamed to meet her eyes. “i want to talk to him.”erika bit down on her lip, rocking back and forth on the balls of her feet. “i kind of knew you were going to say that.” “i… just need to hear him explain it. why.” “he’s not going to give you any answer that satisfies you, nibs.” she stepped forward, his breath catching. he almost flinched away. “it’s not about that.”“what is it about?” “i’m not sure, it’s complicated,” whispered nibs. the image of bryce, standing shockingly still, blood streaming down her arms, it clawed at his brain. “it’s nothing sympathetic. i don’t want to talk to him.”shifting, erika’s expression changed to one of bitter understanding. “i’m not so much worried about that. the effect seeing him will have on you, though? yeah. it’s not fun.” “i accept the risks.” he almost smiled, saluted dumbly. how fun would that be, if all of this was a lighthearted joke. it was embarrassing how often he found himself wishing for that, even now when things had been steadily going downhill for months on end. “nibs?” her voice was painfully quiet. he tried to focus on anything except the waver in her tone, the way her throat throttled and warbled each word, the sheen of wetness beneath her crunched up eyes. “yeah?”“you don’t have to ask me permission for these things,” dipping her head to her chest, erika inhaled sharply. “i’m not your mom.” something pained and raw flickered across her face. nibs could feel it in his bones. what was the kind way to say you’ll never be my mother? “did he tell you that?”she blinked up at him, silent confirmation. “you’re just looking out for me, erika. you’re right to.” “you’re thirty,” she breathed, tucked chin a mask for the contortion of her expression. “you don’t need me to oversee you. you are a capable human being.” “not always!” he threw his arms out wide, exaggerated expression almost coming naturally. maybe he could even relax and laugh. “you’ve seen first hand how much of a shit show i can be. okay, sure. you’re not my mom, but you’re certainly a step or so above designated driver, y’know?” erika swallowed, still staring down at the scuffed up floor. “i’m… i don’t know.”it might’ve been a fucked up thought to have (nibs was never sure anymore), but he wished jamie could see this now. vulnerability and sensitivity and the breaking down of an emotional wall. how interesting that would’ve been to her, to see that kind of hidden side to someone. he reached out and took erika’s hand. she offered little resistance. “let’s go back inside.”sitting, glazed-eyed in the passenger seat, nibs stared emptily. to say that the visit had gone bad wouldn’t be the entire truth, just a hyperbolic misunderstanding of it. it had made him uncomfortable and upset, really, so that’s why he wanted to call it bad. the worst. ever. he needed it to be black and white and easy to swallow. bad. that’s why he’d begun drafting a letter to kacey. the second his seatbelt had clicked he was tuned out from erika’s cautious questions and settling into a dream state, one where he was writing in big romantic swirls about how fucked over his life was and how that made him miss her even more. even when erika had dropped him off, offered to walk him to his apartment (an offer that was politely declined in a half-mumble), told him to get some sleep, even after all of that his head was somewhere else, still lingering. nibs climbed the stairwell with exhausted ease. i know i took you for granted, i know i know i know and i know i’ll never be sorry enough. i wish you were here with me so i could tie a ribbon into a bow around your hair and kiss your eyelids closed. his apartment was so much darker without bryce, so devoid of life. even in her anger with him (which was still something of a mystery), she really did light up the space. maybe it was because she was young? or maybe she reminded him just enough of jamie. he wondered if he’d ever actually moved on from anyone he’d loved, or if he’d just found people who felt similar enough to their memory. he laid down in his bed. i wouldn’t fuck it up this time. all the lights were off and it had started to get late-afternoon-dark, not quite dusk or evening. i’ve spent all these years learning and improving and fuck i miss you! staring up at the ceiling, he groped blindly around on the sheets beside him, fingers finding purchase on the tape player. kacey, i’ve screwed up too many times to name, i need you to guide me through the library of my mistakes and show me where i’ve hurt you. PLAY demanded the raised impression of words. i’ll suck the venom out, i’ll be the man you thought i was when we first met and you touch my face under the streetlight by your house and promised you wouldn’t tell anybody that i wasn’t a good kisser. nibs clicked the button.too late to stop now, his mind kept drifting, falling into warped memories. collum in his bed, half dressed in the porn-y way, everything unimportant and cheap, tear-away. clothes that didn’t matter because he was already seeing through them. his mouth met the turn of his neck as he pulled his pink dress -kacey’s pink dress - down to his lap. this was not a fantasy, just refurbished leftovers of his exgirlfriend, bastardized and tear soaked and chopped up. wet marks trailing across his chest, collum pawed at his back, rosy fabric pooling over his thighs. nibs felt his breath catch. the tape player clicked as it spun, voices muddled into non-importance. his hand sunk between his legs, fingers wrapping around his erection. like everything else about this situation, nibs didn’t want to think about what it meant. he pulled kacey to his lap, breathing hot and sticky against his throat. he had his legs wrapped around him, straddling his waist. nibs could feel her, the soft tremor of her shoulders, always just a little bit scared, always needing the tiniest bit of coaxing. lips suckling at already tender skin, nibs moved their hips together, heat pushing up through the dress. “oh god,” muttered collum, jerking his head back. through thin satin he could feel his arousal, hard and pressing into his stomach. he was so easy, falling apart for him with quiet mewls. “nibs.”“i know,” he purred in response, desperate fingers curling through her hair. “you’re doing so well.” collum’s breath quickened. “nibs,” the dress had slipped down further, now revealing the tops of his thighs and the mess of hair between them. he was so beautiful, sitting there, dying for his touch. “nibs, please.” suddenly nervous, nibs hesitated. “what do you want me to do?” he whispered. “anything.” nibs moaned, half-stifled as he clamped down on his t-shirt. heart racing, he waited carefully to collum to answer the next question, hungry to hear his voice. he was willing to rip away the context, ignore the actual words in favor of whatever he could call this. the tape clicked, static hum. his tongue traced the outline of his jaw, a slimy trail that circled back to his mouth. “okay,” nibs murmured, brushing delicate strands of brown away from kacey’s face. collum’s face. “lie down for me.”already collum obliged, pushing himself off nibs so he could sprawl out on the sheets. his face was red, expectant. he struggled to meet his eyes. in a last ditch effort, nibs’ guilt ridden brain tried to override him completely, focus purely on kacey, the real subject of this. how had his expression twisted? how had his curls fallen in the folds of the blankets? the vision made him sick. he pushed the dress to collum’s chest. you’re right, the other clutching his shoulder, collum’s hand jumped to his mouth. i want this to be easy. kacey had called him baby, but collum just writhed, laughed breathily. the real thing would’ve came by now - it was too rough and too much right out the gate - but nibs’ memory disallowed it. she hadn’t. “nibs,” whimpered collum, nails digging into his arm. “not yet,” he murmured into his neck, muscles straining. beautiful, unraveling under him, collum winced, gritting his teeth. “a little more.” his composure completely lost, collum mewled pathetically. “nibs,“ the red of the bruises left by his mouth matched the red of his blush matched the red of his thighs. he was so warm, his hair tangling around nibs’ knuckles, each desperate breath touching their bodies closer together. nibs pushed a hand around collum’s wrist, pinning it to the sheets. “nibs, i can’t. nibs,” he gasped, quivering. “nibs.” nibs watched as his eyelids fluttered, breath coming in shallow hiccups as he forced back his orgasm. the struggle made collum a quaking, sweaty mess, his whimpering breaking nibs’ focus. each joint of his fingers cradling a loose strand, he shuddered. “it’s okay,” he sighed, “it’s okay.” lips parting in a quiet oh, he opened his eyes, panting as he looked down to his lap. collum was replying to a question on the tape, his words unprocessed in his mind. bunched up between his knees, nibs stared at the folds of his sheets, cum-stained and damp. he tried not to hate himself too much as he watched himself go limp in his hands, clammy palms shivering from the exertion. with no barrier to stop it, his emotions took advantage of this exhaustion. he choked out a sob, blood boiling anger bleaching his vision violent white.nibs didn’t know what he wanted, really, so he couldn’t even say this wasn’t it. maybe deep down he selfishly longed for everything he had just masturbated about. he tried to picture it, sharing that desire. i want you to wear my ex’s clothes and whine as i gut you. the image simply did not exist in his brain. sexual fantasy was always easier to deal with. not that jacking off made the issues go away, necessarily. it was more so a stress reliever, something to do on top of crying. what’s my deepest desire? i would really like to drive on the freeway with my dead friend while she chain smokes and contemplates how she’s going to apologize for the argument we haven’t even had yet. darkest secret? i want to hold her body to mine and feel her breathe and watch her sleep and never let go.but nibs was not feeling contemplative or any of that right now. he was irate, vessel-popping rage blurring his eyes. furiously, he grabbed the tape player, hoisting it high above his head. it smashed easily against his floor, tiny plastic window shattering as the spiraling of collum’s words was cut short. crawling and then stumbling off his bed, nibs took a cautious step forward. like electricity, veins of white stabbed his vision, sharp jolts of pain. an ugly crunch matched with the sudden release of pressure in his foot; embedded in his sole was a fragment of gnarled fake-glass, an ersatz for the real thing. he wanted to scream; for all the reasons and more. there was no going back, he was stuck here indefinitely. collum murdered jamie; he held her carefully and cut the breath from her lungs while she’d cried and cried and cried. nothing would make this fact better, nothing would truly round the edges. nibs looked to the door. it wasn’t shut, he could see hints of dying sunlight glinting across kitchen tile. out in the hallway, he could hear the heavy thud of a neighbor, dragging something massy and wooden over the floor. under his bed, wrapping its nightmare-monster hands around his ankles, he could taste the warmth of the wine he’d stashed. he liked that. it beckoned, promising to glow in between the teeth of his ribs, rock him to sleep, his dinner of cheap booze that tasted like grape juice and sharpies. staggering forward, away, nibs bumped into an open kitchen cabinet as he trailed a dotted path of blood behind him. everything looked like it had been moved just an inch to the left, a tad out of place. bryce, probably. just thinking about her made his head hurt. he grabbed hold of the faucet, fumbling for the empty glass drying on the dish-rack. downing the cup of water in one swallow, nibs coughed, thumping his chest with his fist to clear up his airways. it was very quiet in the apartment. still. one would think that this kind of revelation wouldn’t be surprising - it had been quiet when he’d got here and no one else had joined him since - but it still came to be a bit of a shock. i am alone. dragging his foot behind him in a sort of half-limp, nibs entered the bathroom anxiously, like some evil force awaited him behind the shower curtains. his eyes caught on the mirror, spackled with water stains, reflecting a man who looked so exhausted that nibs doubted there was any hope for him. the reflection had sunken eyes, frizzy hair, wore the expression of someone who very much wanted to be better. the pain in his sole throbbed as he rested his palms on the edge of the basin. porcelain cool and sweet, nibs let it guide the path of his hands as he traced the oval outline of the sink. drawing a sharp breath, he lowered himself to the floor, wincing as his fingers brushed the plastic embedded in his foot. raw wound suckling the foreign object with the curiosity of a child, nibs dug his stubby nails beneath the skin, gasping as he pried the shard of tape player from his body. it hit the ground with a violent clatter, too loud for him to process. though his initial tears had never really stopped, he was again acutely aware of them, big and fat and dotting his legs. he was too exhausted to be angry anymore, not at himself. he laid down, angling his head to avoid the trunk of the sink, smooth and white. he closed his eyes. collum looked strikingly well groomed, even after three weeks in jail. pulling his chair from the table, nibs tried to tell himself that it would only make it easier to spot weakness, see deviation. “how has your week been?” he cleared his throat. “not good.” “do you want to talk about it?” the question was such an obvious bait, a glittering lure fumbling in the wake of a boat. no fish was going to fall for that, yet collum still expected him to swallow it easily, hook catching in his larynx. “no. i want you to tell me your story again, the whole thing. i want to hear you say what you did one more time.” collum practically rolled his eyes, lolling his head to the side. “what do you think i’m missing? don’t the details match up?” they did. sickeningly. every blow was reflected on her autopsy report, from tiny furrows to shattered vertebrae. nibs nodded, though, because that wasn’t the point. “can you just do it? please?” across the table he shifted. “okay,” collum said in an uncomfortable feathering of his tone. “sure.”quiet. “you can speak now.”“do you enjoy this, nibs? really, be honest with me,” backpedaling, recognizable as a sign of panic. “seriously, what does this do for you?” ears pinned, tail between legs, a whine of warning. look at how my teeth are set. i can bite you. they haven’t put me down just yet. “what do you gain from this?”“it’s nothing about gain, okay? i told you last time-““and how did last time go?” something in his eyes glinted, a fucking parasitic nod hiding behind iris. like a smirk. like he knew. “-i don’t give a fuck about enjoying this process.” collum huffed. a short, breathy laugh. he didn’t believe him. nibs glared. he would rip his heart from his chest if it meant settling this to rest. screw happy, what about over?“you don’t.”“i don’t.”“jamie would’ve wanted you to be happy.” it was meant to push his buttons, rile him up. it worked. nibs wouldn’t deny that. “oh, fuck you,” he hissed through clamped jaws. “you didn’t know her. stop talking about her like you knew her.”collum sat still, upright, unmoving. he was solid in his constitution. “she told me.” his ears were ringing. like he was punch-drunk, like he was being unearthed from a collapsed structure. “stop.” take her name out of your mouth.“she told me she never wanted you to find out. jamie didn’t want you to suffer endlessly in all these complexities.” “she didn’t tell you shit,” his brain had gone full do-not-cry mode, face hot, eyes stinging. “she didn’t.” “nibs, this is one instance where you will never know what jamie said or did unless you believe me on this.” fury, sharp and poignant, jutted through the viscera of his stomach, a painful stab of grief. and whose fault is that? you took her from me. nibs balled his hands into fists, quivering arms from the tension in his muscles. you took her from me and you stole her last moments. pushing his knuckles into the denim of his jeans, he took an unsteady breath. her hand had been so severely broken that it hurt to even take in. bad angles. bad geometry. each finger bent in the wrong direction. he didn’t hesitate to hold it, hold her in all her mutilation. he’d babbled, panicked, into her soft skull until collum had interrupted him. jamie i am right here jamie you just breathe okay jamie i love you i love you i’m right here don’t be scared jamie it’s okay jamie keep breathing for me jamie can you hear me jamie i love you jamie you’re gonna be alright okay okay okay jamie okay jamie deep breath jamie breathe jamie i’ll hold your hand in the ambulance i love you jamie i love you jamie i love you jamie i love you.“you don’t have to be here if you don’t want to,” collum mused like this were all just one big game. like it was a party he could up and leave. like he wasn’t tied to a stake in the yard of their conflict. like he didn’t growl at every passerby, gnash his teeth and dig at the fence until his paws were red and chapped and hurt too much to stand on. he reminded him of his father, bold-faced and lying to the judge. karina holding his hand. do you want to be with me or with social workers? do you really hate me so much? would you honestly rather be homeless with your whore mother? you don’t have to be here if you don’t want to.nibs swallowed. “okay.” he stood and left. grey afternoon light spilled in through the curtains, pulled loosely over windows. it was almost peaceful, a stark contrast to the scene taking place in the living room. he hadn’t even put his keys down yet. “why didn’t you tell me you two were talking?”nibs had to stop himself from saying so that’s what this has been about? too condescending. “i’m sorry,” he chose instead. bryce had frozen in anger, clutching her hands at her sides, empty fists. “why didn’t you tell me?”“i wasn’t sure what to do about it. i didn’t think you’d need to know.” the words caved in on themselves like a punch to the throat; he regretted them instantly. “i think i would’ve loved to know sooner.” nibs slumped his shoulders forward, frowning. “i’m sorry.”“is that all you have to say?” he could feel her eyes burning holes into him as he fell back onto the couch. they were the same muddy green as jamie’s. the way bryce stood, confrontational and stiff, she was a spitting image of her. maybe this kind of rage was hereditary. maybe this anger was the same as jamie’s. “nothing else?”horrifyingly, for a split second he found himself wishing she’d just start crying already. then he could swoop in and be the hero. his teeth worried his lower lip as he brushed these thoughts aside. “i know it’s repetitive. i’m sorry i went behind your back, bryce, i really am. it felt necessary at the time, i didn’t want to let you down.”stubborn, bryce clenched her jaw, gaze darting around. “well you let me down anyways.” there was a hint of give to her voice, something that suggested another layer to this. anxiety, nibs determined, watching her hands work at the hem of her shirt. she was nervous. “i’m sorry. i know i haven’t been the best. i never meant to scare you or disappoint you, okay?” he clasped his hands together, arms resting on his knees. “can you come here for a second?”reluctant at first, bryce stepped forward. soon she was beside him on the couch, leaning away. calm but still jumpy. rabbit-eyed. “i don’t like it when you get so upset you don’t talk.” “that happen a lot?” “i dunno. i like when you talk to me.” nibs let his head roll back, resting on the back of the couch. his unfocused eyes stared at the ceiling, fixed on none of the finer detail. “so much that you miss me when i’m not?”“that’s half the battle with liking something,” she frowned, trying to follow his nonexistent field of vision. “you gotta miss it when it’s gone.”“i guess.”before the first tear could even escape her, nibs wrapped his arms around bryce, hugging her trembling frame. a whining teapot of a voice weaseled its way into his brain, whistling about how pathetic this was, he was. bryce, so small, holding onto his shoulder like her life depended on it, sniffled. nibs thought the voice could take a break; what did it know? in a guttural whisper he admitted, “i have no idea what we do next about all of this,” an oddly sharp elbow jabbed his side as he brushed back waterfalls of greasy orange. in a way he could only describe as painfully motherly, nibs worried himself with whether or not she’d been bathing. “but i’m not going to leave you or switch sides, okay? we’re in this for the long run.” (hi. Authors note here. i think my family issues are fucking lesking into the fanfiction)“okay.”he couldn’t bear to sit in the quiet. “do you want to watch a movie?” tucking her head into him like a duckling shielded by a mallard’s wing, bryce mumbled a muffled mhm. nibs stared at the black screen, not wanting to move himself and disturb her. he tilted his head back and thought of jamie and her hand-me-down cousin and the way their noses scrunched in just the same way when they really grinned. eventually bryce subsided, just a bit. nibs took the opportunity to stand, picking up the box of VHS tapes. immediately bryce pounced on alien. nibs didn’t know how to feel, just nodded weakly and slipped it from its jacket, fumbling with the player and the rest of the television set. he watched as it ate the film, tongue flickering and hissing as it processed the tape. when he looked back to the couch, bryce had curled into a ball, head resting against the arm, waiting patiently as the opening credits played. she looked so small. nibs sat down beside her. things were going to be okay now, more okay than they had been in the past weeks. he had his priorities straight. laying an anxious hand on bryce’s shoulder, nibs squeezed.she fell asleep there, curled in on herself like a fox, eyelids just too heavy to keep fighting off. it was almost as if she knew the tradition; she’d failed to catch the ending, just as he and jamie had every single time. nibs stared at the dark shadows playing across the wall. one hand resting on the tangle that was bryce’s hair, he closed his eyes. he needed to accept that this was never getting easier. things would get better, sure, but not easier. he wasn’t going to catch a break. it wasn’t that he had to be okay with this, no, more so that he needed to understand it. teeth grit, tiny divots of calcium locking together, nibs could feel the blood gum up his hands, thick and oily. a thousand times he could watch this mental movie, this breakdown as he saw her on the floor, unmoving. never could he change anything. more recently his mind set him into the third perspective, watching the various ways collum might’ve choked the life from her. an extension cord served as a quick noose, poor jamie blue with asphyxiation as she clawed desperately at her neck. the barrel of a gun rested calmly at her temple, the world only quieting in preparation for the bullet. carefully, nibs removed himself from the blanket of bryce’s pale arms, limply stretching above her head. her scarred wrists sickeningly reminded him of jamie. slinking to the phone, he pulled the cord as far as possible, looping it around his doorframe and gently closing the door as it rang only once. “hey,” muttered a half asleep saber, voice groggy and just slightly scratchy. “is this nibs?” he cupped the receiver to his face, wavering for just a second. “hi saber.” “y’looking for karina?”“she’s asleep, isn’t she?”“d’you want me to wake her up?” hesitating, nibs weighed the proposition against passing out on the couch right there beside bryce. the couch seemed surprisingly inviting. “no, can you just pass along a message?” saber hummed a barely audible mhm. “what is it?” “tell her to call me whenever she can, okay? and that i love her.” he could practically hear his smile across the line. “i’ll be sure to let her know, nibs.”thankfully his brief call hadn’t stirred bryce in the slightest, unmoving as he sat down beside her once more. tossing his head back, nibs blinked up at the ceiling, exhaustion pushing down on his brain. when he closed his eyes he pictured his sister, holding him close as he knelt on the uncomfortable courtroom benches, face buried in her shoulder. he didn’t want to see how scared his mom looked, how alone she appeared, how frail she’d become. karina didn’t either, but she watched for them both.