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"And though she be but little,
she is fierce."
William Shakespeare
Elizabeth didn't know what was happening. Her mother had told her they had to go, but father wasn't there. Why wasn't he coming with them? She had barely enough time to pack some of her most valuable possessions, which at the age of ten were some marbles, a teddy bear her parents had given her just last year, her diary and a map of the New World. Her father and her navigated through it every night before falling asleep. Sir Thomas Hamilton used to tell her all sorts of marvellous stories of the Americas… And now she was travelling over there. Without him. There were no answers to any of her questions. Only the rush to move forward and quickly. For some reason James McGraw did get to travel with them. She liked him. He was a nice man, but he wasn't her father. Elizabeth remembered the docks, remembered looking for her father there. Surely he wouldn't like to miss the adventure that was travelling to the Americas. He was nowhere to be found, though. What Elizabeth also remembered was James McGraw all distraught during their whole trip. She found him to be a somewhat nervous man. He didn’t stop looking around either. Maybe he was also hoping to see father. He also twisted his hands a lot. “If you don’t stop you’ll hurt yourself, sir.” Elizabeth stretched to cup his hands on hers. James stared at her, as if seeing her for the first time since their departure. It took him some time, but he finally found his voice and reacted: “You don’t need to call me “sir” anymore, Elizabeth.” There was something at the back of his throat. At the time she thought he might be seasick. Time showed her it was an indescribable tangle of emotions. It took her some time but at the age of twelve Elizabeth finally convinced her mother she was old enough to know everything there was to know about what really happened to them. She had heard bits and pieces from time to time over the prior years, of course. But there were things she still couldn't understand, some pieces were still missing. She knew her father wasn't coming home to them, but she didn't know exactly why. And she had found it most weird when she realised her mother and James McGraw were a couple of sorts. Was her father truly so easy to forget? She was afraid of asking what they were. Or more to the point: she was afraid of what the answer may entail. Once the story was said and done she couldn't believe it at first. It felt like somebody else's story, not her own. Later came the anger and when it kicked in words burst out of her: "How could you not tell me any of this before?" She stood, her fists tight. “Lizzie, dearest, you need to understand. I couldn’t tell you right before leaving-” “And what about these years?” “It’s not an easy story to tell to a daughter.” "I've been hoping for my father to come every single day. Every morning I woke up thinking he may be sitting next to be, waiting for me to wake up. And now you tell me he's been dead for a long while. How could you? How dared you?" It was all Miranda could do to hold her tears. “It happened so quickly, my sweet. I know it wasn’t fair, but I couldn’t bring myself to relive what happened then and there. And I hope you can one day bring yourself to forgive me.” “Who did it?” Elizabeth waited, but when she saw her mother didn’t understand, she pursued the question. “Who killed him?” “We don’t know exactly how it happened.” “But he was an important man. He was to be an earl! Grandsire wouldn’t let no one kill him.” “That man wanted to get you away from us. Your grandfather isn’t how you picture him, I assure you.” “And why should I believe you anymore? You’ve been lying all this time.” “Elizabeth…” When she was unable to listen to any of her mother's excuses any longer, she ran away taking one of their horses. She didn’t exactly know where she was heading and for the first time she arrived at the town of Nassau. She didn't know back then but there she encountered many people she would befriend or hate in later years. She had heard Flint –James McGraw had been butchered along with their past– talking about the city, a pirate’s den with the perfect open ocean exit. It had to be this place she was now seeing with her own eyes and all those people should be the pirates. Which meant she ought to be careful. After leaving her horse as hidden as she could she followed a quirky man who caught her eye. He sat down on a table and started reading the newspaper. Reading was something she would have never imagined a pirate doing. Elizabeth stared at him for too long and the man seemed to have noticed her presence. She felt a pinch in her heart. He'll come this way , her head screamed at her. But before he could really move away from the table another man coming from inside the building screamed at him: "Jack, what the fuck are you doing?" He had more muscle than his fellow pirate and a more menacing look. She didn’t stay for long and headed towards a less transitable part of the beach. There she took off her shoes and sank her feet in the ocean. The last time she had been ashore, the last real time she had seen the ocean was upon their arrival from London. Would she ever see London again? Did it matter now? "A little girl shouldn't go wandering around like this." The voice came from behind and it took her unawares. "Pray tell, how old may you be? Ten?" It was the newspaper man. Now from up close she could clearly see the pirate did love some good calico clothing. "Twelve!" Elizabeth felt the embarrassment rise all the way to her cheeks. She had proven his point just by shouting her age, infuriated. She was just a child. "You must come from the interior." "I don't see how you might care." "Your parents may. If you have them." All Elizabeth gave for an answer was a retreat inland, making sure he didn't follow. Something that made the pirate laugh. Her shoes stayed on the shore and would eventually be engulfed by the waves. Never to be seen again.
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"Never stand begging for that which you have the power to earn."
Miguel de Cervantes
"The true way is the middle one, halfway between deserving a place and pushing oneself into it."
Baltasar Gracián
Many years had passed since that unlikely meeting at the beach and now Elizabeth could stand her ground against those like Calico Jack without running away."I can't let you kill Flint, but I can try to convince him to drop these feverish thoughts of war.""Convince Captain Flint of anything? I beg your pardon, I know you two are close, but no human holds that kind of power over that bull of a man.""You know nothing, then. If there's one he would listen to, it would be me." Actually the only one he would ever listen to would be Thomas Hamilton. In his untimely absence, I will have to suffice. Jack pondered that for a moment. Curious and sceptical at the same time. But Elizabeth was surprised by the words he managed to gather in his mouth."I always suspected you were either his lover or his daughter. The rest of Nassau would rather be inclined to the former, but if you ask me, I believe the latter holds more power." He paused, to give room for her reaction. What she was to Flint... There wasn't yet a name to describe it. She was no daughter, no lover of his. She was much more and no one, not even the wits of Jack Rackham, would ever be able to see through it. Its nature transcended this very material world men could see.Elizabeth was indeed one of the few to see Captain Flint inside out. And she knew what he was capable of while also being aware of the feelings he kept underneath.But she didn’t say any of this and chuckled instead, as if she found Jack's notion funny and curious at the same time. "And why is that, Rackham?" Her tone was playful and easy, a smirk painted all over her face."If one is capable of loving, who's more precious? Children who lose their parents are orphans. What do you call the ones who lose their children?" This man did love to talk. "But I assessed something incorrectly. I thought you were his weak point. Now I've come to reconsider. He is yours."Is that the power I hold over James? The power of being his lovers' daughter? And why does he hold this kind of grip on me?Her relationship with James had grown over the years. He had tried to be a father to her, but he had other priorities that kept him from being the father she needed. He had tried to balance himself with Miranda. Where her mother was relentless, he made an effort to be sweet.Arriving back at the house, after that first incursion into Nassau, had been a nightmare for her. Her mother had slapped her hard in the face the moment she appeared. “Maybe I would have been better off in London with grandsire instead of living in this shit hole with you!” Elizabeth didn’t see the second blow coming. “You don’t even know what you’re talking about, Elizabeth.”James was by Miranda’s side, looking distraught like her mother, but he was gentler. Once Miranda Hamilton… Barlow these days, stopped reprimanding her, or more precisely, when she grew tired of it, it was James who took the crying girl to bed. He carefully tugged her and looked down at her with the calmest expression he could manage.He did that now too sometimes, giving her the look. Elizabeth wondered if he saw her father when he looked at her."You shouldn't do that. Your mother was on edge all day long." Unlike Thomas Hamilton James held a raspy voice. Now that he was whispering it even sounded as if he was hoarse. But she knew that to be his sweet voice. She was one of the few people he used it with."She brought me here. Of all places. Maybe she's to blame.""Don't you say that!" For a heartbeat he seemed almost angry. "We had no choice. All your mother wants is your safety. You must know that." It was ironic to learn years later that, after all, it was James' idea to flee to the Caribbean, whereas her mother would have placed them somewhere comfortable in Europe.After the incident she didn't return to Nassau for a year. But in her later scouts she always went looking for that same pirate, Jack. Most of the time she found him reading, which the girl found fascinating.But dwelling on the past, no matter which one she revisited, always hurt like poison running through her veins. So she recomposed herself and after a pause finally replied: "Do you remember our very first encounter, Jack?" She smiled coily, almost with malice."I'm afraid I don't have an exact picture. But everyone in Nassau talked of the girl that appeared on Flint's crew overnight.""You'll have to think way beyond that. Although you probably can’t tell. It was more than ten years ago, I was very little and we were barely two minutes in each other’s presence.”Jack was draining his brain while trying to remember her, but it was all he could do.“It is of no matter now. I shouldn’t have been in town that evening. I got heavily reprimanded for that little excursion. It was James who tugged me on bed and tried to stay calm. We do have a close relationship. If he doesn't listen to me, well, then I guess all hope would be lost. But I'm our best shot.""How you manage to make friends… Who you manage to befriend. That alone should make you terrifying. Even to the likes of me.""With him I didn’t have much of a choice. It was destiny. But you shouldn't be afraid, Jack. I wouldn’t like to go against you.”“I cannot hope to imagine it as we are on different crews. And I don't see myself aligning with Flint's way of seeing things.""You and Charles Vane have your differences. And yet he's your friend. I could consider you one. One of the few that can read and make for entertaining conversation.""We were crew mates before. It's different.""Oh, I would choose Flint over you anytime if it came to that. But by God I swear I would never like for things to go so grim. I shall miss your sharp remarks." She needed his trust no matter what.Jack guessed nothing bad could come of her trying to convince Flint of ceasing hostilities. But still he couldn’t bring himself to fully trust her. After all, Jack had spied on her once before. It had seemed strange Flint would leave his right hand man on land. So he took it upon himself to follow her. Jack Rackham wouldn't be outmanoeuvred by the likes of Captain Flint. He sent a child to check where she was heading while Bonny and him waited by Max' side. "She's heading inland, sir. With a cartwheel full of food and clothing." He squinted, the child seemed sincere. But then again, that was a child's benefit, right? "Anything else?" For an answer the kid only extended his arm. His hand full open."I already paid you in advance!""This information values more money, sir." Jack sighed but put another coin on his little palm all the same."Captain Charles Vane was talking to her before she left." And then he was gone into the crowded bar.Vane and Jack didn't exactly part on the best of terms. But he considered him a friend. And a good one at that. So he confronted his old friend in earnest."What are you playing at?" Charles was clearly confused and maybe an inch of annoyed at this sudden questioning."Another one of your games, Jack?""Lizzie goes to the interior instead of going on board with Flint. And you've been seen with her, just today. You're already associated with her. One can only assume the worst.""You think I sided with Flint over the cash?" Now he was getting pissed."Or with her. I just want to know the truth.""Worried about breaking our trust, are we now?" Charles got menacingly close. "What I do is my business alone.""The last time you got so close to a female it didn't end well, Charles." Eleanor Guthrie had shattered his heart in pieces. Something from which he had never fully recovered. That heartbreak and Eleanor’s storm almost cost them everything."I could tell you the same." His former captain's eyes landed on Bonny briefly and with that he was gone.Jack flipped a coin in his mind. If things could go without bloodshed for once, he would take his chances. “You have two days to convince Flint, Lizzie.”
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"Anger cannot be dishonest."
Marcus Aurelius
It had been Charles' death that made her side with Rackham’s views. Miranda’s had shattered her into pieces. Sharp pieces ready to attack. But Charles’ had left her hopeless. War was not the path, it was the end of the road. Revenge only served partially. What was enough? To kill the person who did the deed or to dismantle the organisation who allowed it?After the events in Charlestown she had to go back. She thought it would destroy her, but she needed to go all the same. Her mother's place was as Miranda Hamilton liked things: orderly. Elizabeth went straight to the cabinet and there she found some rum. Rum and crying her heart out, that was all she needed. And Flint must have thought the same, for he appeared soon enough through the door and joined her in her cups.Silence fell upon them with all its might for a while. Since Elizabeth first met him she had seen so many sides to James McGraw. First he had been a stern and sullen man. Later he became literate and sensitive. Afterwards he was calming, reassuring, affectionate. Now, well, now he was a mess. Knowing people sometimes just destroys the mist surrounding them. A mist that made them indestructible, untouchable, perfect. Of late a new idea had sprouted on her mind about Flint: what frightened Elizabeth the most about him was the thought that he could sacrifice her in order to get what he wanted. And she hated herself in the process just for even thinking that. He had been the only father she had known since the age of ten.Unable to bear the silence no longer in possession of such dark thoughts, Elizabeth spoke what first came to mind."By now I would have been married off to an utter idiot. Isn’t that strange? If we all had remained in London, that is." It was the first time they were alone with the knowledge they only had themselves in the world and the air became tense. "Your father wouldn't have allowed that." It took him some time, but Flint (or perhaps it was James) spoke, looking directly into her eyes. His voice was somewhat raspy, as if he hadn’t opened his mouth for days."That's true.” She chuckled at the thought. His father hadn’t been a cruel man, after all. But he had still been a man. “Or perhaps you may have made that decision. After what happened. Married off to some unknown man. I can't think of anything more stupid. Of anything more unescapable."His next answer took James even longer to process and share. It looked almost painful for him to get it out.“It’s in moments like this when you remind me of the little time you were given with your father.” James breathed in before continuing, his melancholic eyes fixed on hers. “He would have rather kept you as a spinster than to give you away so easily.” He savoured the words, as if they could bring Thomas back. As if they gave his lover corporeal form once more.Elizabeth just nodded faintly. She also envisioned her father if he was brought up in conversation. He had been a cheerful memory at first, when she was a girl, but now, with each passing year, his image became blurrier and blurrier. She had lost him at the age of ten. Elizabeth could have never imagined how easily more than twelve years could throw a man such as Thomas Hamilton into oblivion."My only comfort is that at least they now have each other again to keep themselves company." Elizabeth looked to the ceiling and drank to her parents. And then she looked back at the only parent she had left. Strangely, she saw double. In the room there were two men: Flint and James. His masks were cracking, they had for some time, and she couldn't decide if they needed healing or a hammer to break them. "And my worries and sorrows are for you."James had been a father figure longer than Thomas Hamilton. But he was broken and needed someone himself to look over him. Elizabeth sighed at the thought."For me?" he chuckled, but even he failed at that miserably. "It should be the other way around.""Perhaps." And after a moment she abruptly ended the conversation: "I'm sleeping over here tonight. I'll see you in the morning." Flint barely acknowledged her words with a grunt. He certainly wouldn't sleep.Tragedy seemed to suit that house for it reunited Flint and Elizabeth once more after the birth of her unborn child. Flint saw her that time by the fireplace. Her eyes spoke for her. She hadn't slept in a long while. "I managed to slip away from the tavern's upper apartments. Anne is a magnificent guardian and friend, but she needs the rest. It’s been more than three months now." James hadn’t even spoken yet, but she felt the need to start the conversation anyway."I'm sorry." His voice sounded cracked, on the verge of crying. He couldn't even bring himself to say it to her eyes."This wasn't your fault. You judge yourself too harshly at times. He wouldn't do it."She got closer to him. And his façade collapsed. He started crying, no, wailing, howling almost. And he let himself fall apart on the ground. The sounds he made caught on her chest. For a moment Elizabeth was almost scared, like a little girl. She didn't expect such a reaction and didn't know what to do. She had never seen him like this. He had never let her see him like this. Except for that one time.
His stare was lost and so were his thoughts. Lost in time…
Flint would never find solace because there could never be an end to the pit of solitude and the hole in his chest. He saw himself in the eye of a bloody, horrid and endless hurricane. Tragedy followed him. Or maybe it was him the cause of all this uninterrupted havoc.He remembered entering the bedchamber terrified. Elizabeth’s screams could be heard from the lower floor. Billy and Silver had arrived alongside him, but the women around wouldn’t let them come closer to Lizzie’s bed. They all made way for him, though. Her face lightened up if just in the slightest, for her cheeks were all red. But her eyes shined at his sight.James took hold of her hand with all the strength he could gather. She was trembling. She was scared. She was in pain. And there was nothing he could do but stay by her side.He had first seen Elizabeth at the Hamiltons' house. She had been a happy girl, always smiling, laughing, talking to everyone, even servants. Nassau had changed her. Her father's death had changed her. Her mother's… Entering the Walrus' crew had been a bold move to do something, to stay away from Miranda. She had played a part: the bold, merry pirate, the kind of person that everyone loves to have around.Flint had played his part and pretended he believed in the character she had created for herself. But James could see the cracks inside her, for he could recognise the signs so very well.She ought to be in a London bed, giving birth to a future earl, surrounded by professional physicians, with her mother and father close to her. And yet she was at a brothel's bed, assisted by prostitutes whose knowledge of giving birth came either from their own experience or from helping their mates give birth to bastards. Giving birth to the spawn of one of the most feared pirates of the Caribbean.And she only had him for company. All that England had left for her. She deserved better. More.It took her painful hours but her baby finally came into the world. Only it seemed God had marked down the Hamilton family for the baby would never know her mother's laugh and Lizzie would never even hear his breath.Max looked unsettled and Flint quickly understood. The room fell silent. "I wanna see him." "Lizzie–" James wanted to avoid her the pain, but she interrupted him."I wanna see him. Max, give my Thomas to me." The woman hesitated, but decided it was rather foolish to discuss with a mother any further.Her hands trembled holding her unborn child. He hadn't cried not even once and he would never cry. But she wouldn't have it."Thomas, you must hear me. Please, sweetheart. I'm here." Max had sent half the room out once it was clear the baby would never open his eyes. But she stayed."Elizabeth…" Max started."No. No-no-no. He will wake up. He's just asleep.""You know that's not true. Give me the baby. I'll see he's taken care of.""I'm his mother. I'll take care of him.""You have already done all you could. Don't make this harder for yourself.""Lizzie." That was James' voice again, still by her side. She did turn to look at him. James brushed his fingers over her sweaty brow and rested his hand there. "Sweetheart. Let him go. You cannot do anything else."Max approached her and firmly but carefully took Thomas away from her. "He will be properly buried." That was all she said before leaving the room.Elizabeth tried to stand up and go after her, but she wasn't even able to leave the bed. It was cruel she was being treated this way, not having time to digest what was going on. She couldn't possibly understand why they would do such a thing."You should rest.""Bring him back." James would never forget that stare, how could he? He remembered a similar but at the same time different stare from what seemed ages ago. She had closed the door quickly after her then. Elizabeth had looked clearly distraught at the sight of the scene she was presented with."What did you do?" And perhaps it was precisely the look in her eyes that had affected James the most at the time. She had never looked at him how she did that day. Almost with revulsion.Flint was struggling to find words when Silver had cut in."That doesn't matter now." But Elizabeth persisted." How could you kill him? He was your friend!" As an afterthought, perhaps washed over selfishness, she added: "You have doomed us both." Flint was her protector after all. Without him she was nothing in Nassau. When the crew found out about the murder, she would go down with him."Not just yet." Elizabeth was clearly annoyed by his presence at that instant. "Let me handle it.""And pray tell, why should we trust you?""I don't think you have much of a choice." It was definitely Flint's best wild card. But she couldn't help herself thinking whether Silver was a fool or just annoying. Or perhaps, an annoying fool.Only the prospect of a way out seemed to wake him up. James had been spread on the floor, with his hands surrounding his former friend. He was all a bloody mess. He felt Elizabeth crouching down. She searched for his eyes. "I see you." She tried for a calmer voice than when she entered the room. Her fingers were caressing his now bloody hand. "I understand you. But this is not the way. And it hurts me to see what you're doing to yourself." She had lowered her voice, perhaps so only he could hear her. "He was gonna ruin everything for us. I had no choice.""You've gone too far, can't you see?"***Every death had led Flint over the self-destruction path he was now facing. A spiral that would destroy everyone and everything near him were he not to be stopped. The only person James and Flint would perhaps listen to was Thomas Hamilton. But she ought to try or James would eventually face former crew members alone as enemies. "Could the both of you get out?" Were this to work she needed Billy and Silver out of the way. Rackham hadn’t given her much time to accomplish her mission, so she should be fast."This is as much our battle as yours. We are his–" "I know what you are, Billy. It will just be a moment." They reluctantly left, though they didn't trust her. As of late, Billy avoided her when possible and Silver had never known what to make of her.Elizabeth turned to her captain, although it occurred to her he was more like a shadow."This is madness. And Charles Vane was the only one crazy enough to side with you in this insane plan of fighting against the entirety of England!""The men–""The men do no longer trust you. They just want to live their lives however they want. They want gold and riches. They won't sacrifice themselves for whatever your delusions and Charles' may be. And the fact that neither of you has been able to see it is astonishing."She knew what Silver and Billy thought. They cared about the wellbeing of the crew. Whereas Flint would sacrifice anything to get what he wanted. And before it may not have mattered to her. Before she may have chosen not to see it. But she wouldn't follow him down the path he had carved for himself. No longer.“You haven’t tried living. That’s also a defiant stance. Will you kill every person that stands on your way?" Elizabeth's thoughts travelled not so far, to the day she found Mr. Gates dead, surrounded by Flint's arms. But then, her thoughts went deeper. Elizabeth had actually walked in once on her father kissing the lieutenant James McGraw. The man had been in the house several times before. He was nice, a little shy perhaps, but nice and proper. If there was something she remembered of that night were the captain's eyes, full open at the sight of her. She didn't understand what hid behind them, but years later she grew to identify it as fear, an expression she rarely saw on Flint and that was blatantly present on his eyes now, and then, when his arms were surrounding Mr. Gates' neck.The captain felt silent but his breathing grew stronger like a cat ready to attack. Elizabeth found words blooming from her mouth. If she fell silent she may not find the courage to speak again."Please, James, abandon these feverish dreams. For the best or the worst we don't have an armada, we don't even have a united front. You 're fighting for yourself for fucks sake! They took my father, they took my mother, they took Charles Vane and they are gonna take you if you pursue! Our lives are so short, James. How long does an empire live?""I won't give up." His icy eyes looked at her from beneath furrowed brows. He was as stubborn as a mule. How could someone be so insistent in hurting himself?"What would be enough? Do you also want to claim my corpse before stopping?"He looked away, disgusted at such an insinuation. It was cruel to say such a thing, but she felt it true in her heart. Elizabeth pursued. She wouldn't give up so easily on dissuading him."We've been through this together, James. I know what is going on inside your head. I saw my mother die in front of me, just like you. But each day this vengeance is only consuming me, eating me alive and it's giving me nothing in return. There's nothing I'd like more than to see England burnt to the ground, but there's nothing you and I can do about it. We would only be two annoying footnotes in the history of the Empire. And more to their advantage, because they will always win.""Why don't you leave then? If you so desperately want to run away? Don't say you can't, nobody ties you." Seeing him was like watching a beast badly hurt by its wounds. Does he feel betrayed? "Leaving can be harder than staying, you know." Elizabeth was caught off guard by that. That James would say such a thing, she could have never imagined. "I cannot find it in myself to leave you behind. You are everything I have left. And I am everything you have. The only thing that ties you to reality.""I've heard enough.""James, would you please even consider it?" "I will never forgive England!!!""You killed the ones who wronged us. Alfred Hamilton. Peter Ashe. You cannot kill a country. Even if you could burn the British isles that wouldn't give us back what we lost. You should see it. But your heart is a hole in your body and your thoughts are clouded by rage. But I need you to wake up. I want you to wake up, James. Please.""I won’t let things be. I will fight them ‘till my last breath.""There are smarter ways to fight them. You just need to keep an open mind.""Enough.""You won't have Rackham's support. And God knows how long you'll maintain Silver's and Billy's. But, please, by any means keep listening to your hatred and desire for revenge." Elizabeth turned her back on him, but before she could leave the room Flint answered:“Ah.” It seemed that was all he was going to say. But a big smile appeared on his lips. The coldest, scariest grin she had seen. And he continued. “You finally let the cat out of the bag. I knew these had to be Rackham’s words.”“You know I speak truly.” And she left in a frenzy, slamming the door behind her.Rackham would be disappointed with her, but nobody would be as furious, frustrated and devastated with her failure as herself.
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"Simplicity and sincerity generally go hand in hand, as both proceed from a love of truth."
Mary Wollstonecraft
After Flint's departure, Elizabeth had taken some time to arrange everything she would need. The months away from town were probably going to get harder with each passing day, so she planned everything carefully. But her belly was starting to swell and soon enough not even dresses would hide it from the public eye. It was time to go. She was about to depart when Charles Vane arrived unannounced."You are leaving.""What gave it away? The horse or the stuff inside the cart?" Elizabeth tried to be funny but Charles' didn't even flinch. He was a man of rather serious manners, that was true. "If there's anything you wanna say, this may be a good time to let it out.""I didn't think you'd leave Flint's crew.""If that's what you think.""It's how it looks.""You shall think as you please." "Is this a game?""A rather boring one at that.""Stop messing around.""I don't owe you explanations. Why do you care so much?" She looked him in the eye, trying to see past his scowl. “You think I'm hiding something. What makes you think I'll tell you?""You shouldn't tempt your luck.""If you wanted to do anything, you would have already done so. If this is all, I'm leaving." She rode the horse and continued her away.Vane stayed there until she disappeared amongst the crowd. She didn’t lose sight of him until the very last possible moment. Her mother’s words echoed lost in her mind:
"You'll start a new life in Boston."
"There's nothing for me in Boston, mama."
"Any man would see…"
"Ah, like that would solve everything. I would be starting anew and alone, with nothing. But, ah, I will surely find a man."
"Why do you oppose this so fiercely? Is it because of this Billy?"
"It's not Billy." She was still mad at him and she let that sink into her words. She said them with such hatred it led her mother close to the truth.
"But it is because of a man." Elizabeth's silence only made things worse. "Who is it?"
"Unimportant."
"If he was, you'd say his name."
"Maybe he's a woman."
"You still haven't said his or her name."
"It's Charles Vane." The deep voice of James came from behind. Elizabeth tightened her fists and it was all she could do not to hit him. "She was gonna find out or have me strangled." It was unlike him to say such a thing. But Elizabeth noticed he was in his cups. It escaped her at the moment, but the fact that he knew meant Elizabeth was either very obvious or …
Miranda was between surprised at the news and horrified by the reply. Her eyes went from one to another.
"That animal?"
"He's not like what you've heard."
"Either way that's not enough reason-"
That was enough. Elizabeth wouldn't sit around being lectured still at the age of two and twenty.
"Haven't you heard anything I said? I'm not running away. Not alone, not with nothing in my hands. I'm not going anywhere. That is my choice. And it's not because of a man." ***Charles remembered Elizabeth laying on his arms, asleep, that first time. He had looked at her long and hard. She was just a girl, and yet he had been drawn to her. Charles saw in her the first Eleanor he had known: vivacious, eager, wild.And he remembered the visit he paid her after her labour. Elizabeth had stayed in that room for days. The room was dark and he saw her turn her head as his steps made the wood crack before he could even mouth any word. The room still smelled of death.The pirate sat on the bed next to her. "You wanted the child." Charles Vane had never been an eloquent man such as the likes of Jack Rackham or John Silver. He had never loved to talk for too long. But sometimes short was all that was needed, specially because Elizabeth knew he meant what he said. He looked sad. Which meant quite something in a man that didn't use to smile at all. He didn't ask. Her state was statement enough. “I'm sorry.”"This place reminded me I was wrong to presume I could have what I desired. I named him Thomas. After my father. At least now he will be looking after him. He was yours." He didn't say a thing. Only nodded. He already knew, but she wanted to say it outloud once more. Charles took one of her hands in his."You believe in heaven?" Charles seemed surprised. Disappointed even. "I believe in whatever makes me happy. Or hopeful."Charles Vane had never lied to her. And that was something Elizabeth knew was a rare quality to find. Billy didn't lie but he hid things. He even tried to hide from her what was in plain sight, such as his hatred towards Flint. Sometimes he was on his side, sometimes he wasn't.Elizabeth moved towards him and let her head rest on his leg. She wanted him as close as they could be. She needed to feel the warmth of another body. Anne had to be away for a couple of days and with Flint at sea once again she had felt completely alone. Elizabeth started to cry. She couldn't later remember how she was able to form the words, but they came naturally to her lips:"Charles. You bring me peace of mind." He caressed her hair gently and stopped at her cheek. He liked doing that for some reason."Why are you still here in Nassau?" The question caught her unawares. She looked up to him. The darkness of the room concealed him, but she could feel his eyes on her."This is my home.""It's a hard home.""I've known no other." Not entirely true, she knew. But London was just a faded dream. A nightmare even. It was all she could do but to look ahead. But now she had something else that would anchor her mind in the past. "Where is our boy? Max hasn't paid me a visit since that day. She said Thomas would be properly buried.""I took care of that. He's facing the sea. I will show you."Elizabeth couldn't remember when or how she fell asleep. When she woke up she found Charles on the chair, sleeping next to her.In no account little Elizabeth had imagined a man like Vane would even set eyes upon her. And as a young woman she had never thought a brute would win her heart. But oh how she remembered his thrusts. His eagerness. His breath on her neck. They looked for each other when they were angry, frustrated, lost. And they fucked like animals. Elizabeth may have mistaken that passion for love. And she had started to enjoy Charles’ company. He didn’t recoil from her embrace. He never backed away from her when she looked for him. And he always held her stare defiantly, unafraid. He was, unknowingly, her beacon. Everything else changed. Everyone else faltered or disappeared. But he remained so she could find the shore. Or so she thought. But some things can’t last forever. And the nature of men is made to flow and change.The day he was going to die the beacon’s light faded and she was once again left in darkness. She felt… betrayed?“You’re gonna die for nothing.”“And how do you know that?”“How can you be so blind?” She stopped and looked him in the eye from up close. Charles somehow reminded her of Flint. So convinced on air promises, ideas of what should be freedom, of how men should react to injustice and lies. “They may try to get revenge on your name. But how long may that last? People, even pirates, wish for the comfort you so much despise. A living person is the only one to make changes possible.”"Changes in which you don't believe.""No one can change an old country such as England in mere years. They have an army. A true ordered army where orders are followed. Meanwhile… We only have squabbling crews. You yourself stopped Blackbeard from killing Flint. Who is to say one pirate won't turn on the other after you are killed?""You would rather follow orders from a higher power than your own?" Elizabeth stood up, and exasperatedly looked away. The gesture made Charles realise something. "You really don't want me to die.""You are… You are many things. You're a savage, you can be irrational, irritating, a menace. But you don't deserve this death.""Pirates don't die in beds of old age. I have made peace with that.""I know!" She turned to him for the first time since she stood up. "But you should die in battle, not hanged, humiliated." The vile she could taste on her mouth was rather too familiar, but the scent escaped her. She had tasted it before, but when? "That's not how I see it." Elizabeth looked sad and it was all she could do not to start sobbing, or worse, crying. There wouldn't be a speech she could manoeuvre to stop him. Pleading would be a last resort, but that wouldn't work either. “Why do you care so much?”"I wouldn't know what to call us. But I care about you." To call a man that had ended countless lives a good man may have been unthought of a lifetime ago. But Charles Vane was a good man. And he reminded her of her father's quest in the New World. Pirates deserved to be pardoned. But perhaps it was the other way around and the Crown was the one who ought to apologise. Half just expressing her thoughts, half wanting her words to signify to him she added: "You are my friend. I've lost so many people already. I don't want to lose any other.""I'm afraid I'll have to disappoint you there." He pierced through her, saw her very soul. And he got closer. Charles brushed her hair lightly. As he always did in bed. "You should go back to your old life and find peace. This life will only offer you this.""My old life is where this nightmare began." Elizabeth couldn't escape his gaze and she didn't want to. She could lose herself in those icy blue eyes. She kissed him lightly on the lips and guided her hands to his chest. It was the only time they went slowly, so time couldn’t catch them.Elizabeth sat him back on the chair and sat on top. He held her. "Are you sure?" She loved his deep paused voice, made her wish he was more eloquent."I am. Are you?"She continued to move slowly and he followed her pace. Elizabeth wanted to trick Time and herself in the process. Their foreheads almost touched each other and she wouldn't let her eyes off his face. He didn't evade her sight either. And it was actually the first time they saw each other while having sex.Leaving that room felt like an impossible decision for her. She didn't want to go but she didn't want to be there when they came for him either. Before she could make a decision she heard herself speaking, still atop of him:“I don't understand why she does this to you.”“I do.”“Do you resent her?”“It's complicated.”“You know, I think she still has feelings for you. But what's certain is that you still love her.” “What's the matter with that now? What's the point?”“The point is… how ironic life can be.” As an afterthought, a plea to God, she added: “Could she save you?”“If you even consider that, then you are more naïve than I thought. That's not who Eleanor Guthrie is. Not anymore.”“Dreaming is the only thing for free in this life.”“If dreaming is what you want to do, then go away.”“But you want to believe it as well. That she would save you.”Charles looked away. Perhaps the only time he had scoffed at her remarks. Elizabeth’s lips formed a little sad smile. He was just as vulnerable as any man. One need only know what spot to hit.She kissed his forehead and his eyes went back to her. He looked… sad, but he was lost in her gaze. What Elizabeth didn't know was that he had tried picturing Eleanor all the while they embraced and only her voice was able to break the spell.Elizabeth stood up, tried to memorise Charles Vane’s face and left without any more words.The very next day she saw him hanged and it was all she could do to get it together and not cry in front of everyone in attendance. She went to an isolated part of the beach. Where no one may find her. Where she wouldn’t have to see his body hanging.
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
"I am not afraid of storms, for I am learning how to sail my ship."
Louise May Alcott
Once she realised how everyone was now aware of her situation only made Elizabeth feel miserable. Why did she feel all this shame? This wasn't England. She wasn't supposed to play the part of a respectable woman. She was a pirate too after all. Fucking a man out of wedlock and having a bastard son didn’t matter here. So what? Why then did she feel unclean? She had laid with Billy several times before, she had fucked Charles many a time before his seed quickened.
It was never so public before.
What would father have said?
What would mother think of me?
The night her water broke Anne took her to Max so she could give birth as securely as possible. Anne had been the only one capable of convincing her to leave her mother’s home merely weeks before. Why she cared so much, Elizabeth didn’t understand. Once inside the room, Elizabeth kept demanding everyone around her to get Flint for her. Sometimes she would call him by his given name, which she never did in public. He had tried to be a father for her. He was all that England had left for her and his name was the one she had called for desperately when she felt as if her world was breaking in two.
"Where is he?!" It was all she could do to get some words between push and push, crying her heart out.
The room was in a frenzy: the women were everywhere at once carrying bloody sheets, bringing fresh clothing and water. Bonny had sent one of them for the doctor, she thought she heard.
"Max…" she said, almost whispering now. It was as much as she could utter after such a long suffering. "I want Flint here. Now! I want him here!" It took all her strength but she didn’t stop insisting.
"He's not here, Elizabeth. Not yet" came the sweetened voice of Max. For all her French accent she never thought she could sound sweet, not for
real
anyway. But she did tonight. For her. Elizabeth's sight was blurry, but it seemed to her she saw worry on her face.
They had called for a doctor and the women were helping all they could. But she felt alone. She wanted her mother there. She should have been by her side, but England had taken her away. Civilisation had killed her.
Now all she had was James, an ocean away for all she knew. And his soul belonged to England as well. A doomed soul.
Then Elizabeth saw how Max fixed her eyes on the door. So, Elizabeth, the sweat swiping her front and soaking her hair and the sheets beneath her, looked that way and found her heart's desire. James had arrived. For her.
"Lizzie…" That was all he could gather, distraught as he was, while kneeling beside her on the bed. James took her right hand on both of his with strength. That was enough for her to start crying again.
"I can't do this. Not without her." She was so afraid. The passing of her mother had caught her unawares. And she couldn't still believe she was gone. Elizabeth needed her now, but it was going to be an impossible meeting. He tightened his grip on her hand and did something he hadn't done in ages: he let a gentle kiss upon it.
"You can. I know you can. She's here with you. Push." How could a man cover his fear at sea and look so scared in a bedchamber? He was so afraid. Elizabeth saw through his eyes and she saw how from time to time they stopped in all the blood that was coming out of her.
"I won't-" Another cry of pain took away the end of the sentence. "I won't leave you alone." They locked eyes. He was a child for a moment. And she was an old lady, just all-knowing and weary, if only just for a second. For him.
The next push came with more cries and sobbing. She wasn't strong enough, she wasn't ready. She wanted her mother. "I can't, I can't…"
With Elizabeth unaware, Flint and Max shared a worried look. Elizabeth needed to push and work hard. Death was dancing a perilous dance with her tonight. And she needed to be strong.
Flint held her stronger. "Look at me." He didn't call her attention so he insisted. "Elizabeth! Look at me. You need to push. You can do this. You're strong."
"I can't… I don't want to… I'm tired."
"You know what your mother would tell you, no, command you. She would want you to push."
And she did. And eventually succeeded. But only one person cried herself to sleep that fatal night.
And Elizabeth now laid looking at the ceiling, alone in the dark room. Once her stillborn child had been carried out the chamber, she had asked to be left alone. What would her mother have truly said? What would her father have thought of her? She felt helpless. A child again, like when she left London. At other people's mercy. Something formed in her eyes. Resolution. She wouldn't let that happen to her again. She now had a name, she had a power of sorts. It didn't matter what she thought inside. She wouldn't let anyone see.
Her mother was in her thoughts day and night after that as she had been after her demise.
She had been there before. Leaving London on a ship, understanding nothing of what had happened to her or her father. She was leaving for reasons she couldn't fathom to comprehend. She looked back to the land she was leaving. A similar sensation took hold of her on that boat with Flint and Charles. She did understand now. Or at least she understood some more. But knowledge didn't make it less painful and she was crying her heart out looking at the coast they were leaving. At least London had been her childhood home. Charlestown would only ever be her mother’s tomb.
Still on the boat she could feel Charles' eyes on her but for once she couldn't care less. She had built an image of fake happiness, a person of easy smile and relaxed, easy going. Always up for laughter. But here she didn't care that he saw her true innerself. At some point their eyes met and Elizabeth couldn't figure out if he took pity on her or if he sympathised. Reading Charles Vane's emotions, when these weren't on the verge of rage, ought to be studied in Cambridge or Oxford. She had never met a more enigmatic man.
Elizabeth wasn't able to read him not even the times they had fucked. There was desire, maybe even lust in those eyes. But that was as much as she could see.
She remembered Charles as one of the young lads she had so often watched on her forbidden trips to Nassau. Jack was interesting because he was always reading or writing something. Bonny was one of the few pirate women, she looked up to her, she wanted to
be
her. Charles was attractive, he was beautiful. She had always admired him from afar. Until she became a pirate herself. One day she crossed paths with him at the bar. He was intimidating but he also sparked something in her and she felt her heart skip a beat. But he had his own crew and Elizabeth didn't think it wise to start mingling with other pirates at the onset of her career without treading waters first.
She remembered how he pinned her to the wall that first time. Where she had been almost timid with Billy, Elizabeth already felt comfortable enough around men so as not to let them guide the whole intercourse. When Charles started undressing her, Elizabeth did the same to him. He was more passionate than Billy. Perhaps because he was way more experienced.
His hands were everywhere and she liked their touch. His hands were rough, no doubt, but they felt good on her skin.
Elizabeth kissed him and while doing so she embraced him and took him to bed. She let all his weight on top of her. He was heavy, for all the muscle he had, she supposed, for he was a slim man.
Charles didn't like playing games neither in the real world nor in the bedchamber, so he entered her as quickly as their bodies made it possible.
Elizabeth gasped and kissed him ferociously and bit his lips. He continued his pounding. There was a moment, nothing, mere seconds where he slowed down his pace. A moment she used to switch their positions around, so she could be on top and more on control.
Elizabeth guided his hands to her breasts as she placed hers across his chest to take a better impulse from there.
They didn't speak. They said nothing at all. All there was to hear were the gasps and the grunts as if they were just animals. She just felt like one: the rush, the urge to have him. It was the first time she felt such a need. And she was enjoying every minute of it.
Taking her unawares, Charles changed their position, to have her beneath him once more as his pounding became quick and needy. He must have been on the edge of climax and it was all Elizabeth could do but to think he would go on longer but he quickly spilt his load inside her. His gasps were like his voice, low and quiet. His breathing slowly became long and paused.
However it surprised her when instead of laying over on the bed he took her legs with both his arms and pushed her closer to him. Charles Vane headed down and started to lick her sex. Guided through the excitement of it all, Elizabeth grabbed Charles' hair, urging him to go deeper, faster. Her body moved in sync with his mouth. There was a moment, mere seconds, in which their eyes met. She had seen that stare on him before, right before he killed a man. If this were to be her death, it would be a sweet one indeed.
After coming in his mouth, she expected he would leave the room. But he just collapsed in bed and he didn't reject her embrace when she went to him. Elizabeth took his chin up and kissed him. Passionately but not with the hunger from before. Afterwards she just placed her head on his chest and heard how his heart ran at a similar speed to hers.
It was the first time they laid together, but it wouldn't be the last.
Her hand found a scar on his chest. Something that wouldn't have surprised her to find in Charles Vane's body, only that it was thicker than any scar she had ever seen. Feeling her hand on it, one of Charles' travelled all the way to his chest and prevented hers to have further contact with the scar. Neither said a thing.
***
The door was wide-opened early the next morning by Jack Rackham, who almost stormed the room. Only Charles woke up and looked at the newcomer from the chair. He had fallen asleep with Elizabeth’s head still on his lap. At least she seemed calm. Bonny had mentioned the girl wasn’t getting much sleep after giving birth.
"Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't know…" Jack interrupted himself at the sight of Elizabeth. He had presumed it was another woman. Any woman.
"Knock next time," came the harsh voice of his friend Vane.
He wouldn't know how the words formed in his mouth, but his eyes had already gathered plenty of information. And so his tongue cut loose, unable to hold itself:
"You really like this girl, don't you?" Came the voice of Jack Rackham. He saw it in his friend and former captain's eyes. He truly cared for her. It surprised him but not quite at the same time. The only time Jack had seen him head over hills had been with Eleanor Guthrie. But this was quite something else. He didn't exactly love Elizabeth. The girl was almost his protégée. Charles Vane had sunken a bit when their son had never opened his eyes, if only this small detail was noticeable only to Jack, who knew Charles so well.
His friend said nothing at first. Charles pierced through him with just a glance and it seemed that was going to be all he was going to reply. But he did add: "I don't want any harm to come to her." And with that he stood up and he was gone. Of course there were things not even Charles Vane could protect a person from. And the dangers and risks of childbirth was one such thing. Jack looked at her. He could see why Charles would adore her. He admired the strong and fearless. And it was out of question she was a beauty as well.
Elizabeth had won the hearts of many by singing at the whorehouse bar from time to time. She certainly lifted men's spirits. The girl carried a certain charm around her. Her smile was sweet and her manner was easy, care-free, laid-back. She had Flint's protection as her captain. Enough to keep men off her. Now she seemed to have won over the Ranger's feared and revered captain to her favour as well. It left Jack wondering. Had it all been an elaborate and intricate plan all along? He ventured to think she was more like Anne on her inside, but unlike his paramour, she knew how to disguise herself in plain sight.
She's playing a game. But I can't yet quite see the pieces on the board.
If she was truly plotting something, Elizabeth had started way earlier. Jack remembered her sitting close to Anne, Charles and himself one time Eleanor
visited
their table. It had clearly left Charles unsettled.
"Love is dangerous. You should be careful." That was all Elizabeth said once she stood up and passed right next to Charles. She never thought he would
firmly
catch her wrist and twist her to face him.
"Whatever do you mean." Maybe he was trying to sound menacing, maybe he truly wanted an answer.
"You know what I mean." She didn't try to break free from his touch. On the contrary, she took advantage and pulled herself closer to him. "As a friend I tell you to shield yourself. Sometimes bluntness and boldness leave you bare and unprotected." As if bored of hearing her speech he dropped her wrist, disinterested. But she raised her hand to his chin to make him look at her. "I mean what I just said."
***
Eleanor decided Charles' fate and I sealed Billy's.
She couldn't have explained how they had interwoven such a connection. But they had and that was all that mattered. She cared for him. Truly. Meeting Charles Vane had made her understand her father better. As ruthless and cruel this pirate may have been, he was human, a man. Capable of loving. He most surely had a soul. She had seen it. Maybe even touched it.
Still on the boat escaping Charlestown a thought settled on her. Her father's memory was slipping through her fingers, he was leaving her memory each passing day. But Elizabeth could never even believe she would be able to forget how the bullet entered her mother's skull, just in front of her. She had fallen to the ground like a dead bird. The thump noise, the click of the pistol still resonated inside her brain. Dead weight.
Almost the moment she set foot on the Walrus she felt the urge to retch. Why she didn't know. But she felt dizzy like never before. Not even her first day at sea was met with such antagonism by her body. Maybe it was all the bile that still sat at her throat of seeing her mother die inches away from her. Maybe it was the pregnancy she still didn't know about. Maybe, probably, both.
The day she decided to return to what had been her mother's house was set in stone in her mind. Elizabeth had recently known of her pregnancy by then. She must have been around three months pregnant. So many things had flashed through her mind before she settled for having the child. She wouldn't sail. She had already had a taste of what that felt on her condition at the beginning of the first term. Elizabeth didn't want anyone to take care of her. She was a grown woman and to be a mother, no less. She would fend for herself.
On the way to the beach she felt her heart pounding hard.
Why do I feel like this? It's James. He will understand.
"You don't look ready." That was Silver upon her arrival. Elizabeth went past him and Billy on the way to Flint.
"We will set sail at noon," Flint greeted her.
"I'm not going." That short remark earned her a scowling. But she didn't let him even open his mouth again. "I'm withchild."
"Billy's?" It was all he said. Elizabeth gathered all her courage to turn to his face for the first time. James looked… surprised? Impassive? Disappointed? Her heart was now racing, galloping. She gulped before speaking, she didn't want to stammer.
"Charles Vanes'." His face was unreadable, so she continued. "I will stay ashore. Inland. In mother's cottage."
"No." His voice was air-cutting, a concerned tone emerging. "Stay in town. It's safer."
"I won't. No one can know of this." She was determined. Elizabeth cut him before he could speak: "It's my choice. You don’t decide here. I'll be fine."
For an answer James just kissed the top of her head gently. He usually didn't have loving gestures with her when they were in public. Rumours had already spread like wildfire once she joined the Walrus' crew. Flint didn't like fuelling those any further.
"Where are you going?" Both Silver and Billy were confused to say the least.
"Just don't die without me, will you? I'll see you when you get back."
Elizabeth headed to her cartwheel where she had left everything prepared for her departure.
"Where are you going?" The raspy, low voice of Charles Vane resounded behind her. Her heart skipped a beat as a reply but she maintained her cool.
"Are you missing me already?"
"You know I don't like games." Despite the truthful remark his eyes were good-natured.
"What I do is none of your business. But I will be back before you notice my absence."
Elizabeth had debated whether to tell him or not. But she couldn't decide what his reaction would be. He certainly wasn't going to be a father. He was a pirate. He was devoted to the sea. But even there, with just a few inches separating them, she felt compelled to tell him. If she wanted to scream it at him, why couldn't she?
But Elizabeth acted before making a stupid mistake and rushed her lips onto his. She lingered there, and took the time to bite his lower lip. Then smiled as if nothing was going on inside her mind and body.
Needless to say, going back to the crew wasn't exactly an easy task after her pregnancy. They all stared at her like she was about to break.
"Stop looking at me like I'm a ghost, you idiots." She had always gone easy with her mates. They laughed at her jokes, they sang and danced on the occasions she sang shanties. But today they were different.
When they all gathered for some food, Elizabeth cornered Silver and Billy.
"What is wrong with everyone? They keep staring like…" Silver, and especially Billy, looked uncomfortable. "What? You are hiding something." Her eyes went from one man to the other. Silver was the one to break the silence.
"Elizabeth." He paused, as if processing what he was about to say. "They all know. About your pregnancy, about what happened afterwards. You see, the whores either get rid of the child before it's too late or, well, they give birth, but quietly in some wretched place, but not in that establishment. Many could hear your screams that day and the ones who couldn't, well, the women made sure to spread the word like wildfire not lacking any details."
Luckily once aboard, their mission brought the perfect occasion to remind her mates she was still the same they had once met. Forgetting that would bring them daring consequences.
The English marines would set an example.
“These savages would let anyone set sail. Even a woman.” He surely made his companions laugh but yet unsatisfied with the remark he spitted on Elizabeth’s direction. She didn’t hesitate and shot him on the crotch. Everything felt silent. Except for the swine’s screams.
"Any further remarks? I don't mind repeating the lesson. No? Good." Then she shot the first man again, but this time, between his eyes.
The dead man's crew looked aghast, stupefied, probably wondering if any of them would follow their companion's luck. But Elizabeth looked around and saw that the trick had worked. The Walrus crew’s view of her would shift once more. No one said a word.
"Who are you?" That was the captured ship’s captain speaking. He didn't look an ounce frightened. He was repulsed. Getting close to him, on a squatting position, she pierced through his eyes and then replied so only he could hear:
"I'm what England left of me. What they created. And you should fear such creation. What one creates in the shadows has a way of coming back to haunt you. Like with your friend."
"He was innocent!" Her hand went instinctively to his neck and pinned it to the mast.
"My parents were too and they were killed all the same. In the name of England."
"He had children."
"Maybe they will do fine pirates too one day. Will you kill them yourself?"
***
"You cannot just kill-"
"Why the hell not? They are on
our
ship, they're hostages and not even that much valuable at that."
"Lizzie-"
"You have killed for less. I've seen you. Sometimes you had to, sometimes you were in the middle of battle and
sometimes
you shot because you could. Because you
wanted to
." She wasn’t herself. Her heart was racing with rage, so she made herself pause. But still she was relentless: "Have you seen how the men look at me, James? Like I'm a fucking glass vase about to explode. They should admire me for giving birth, losing the child and still be strong enough to even fucking walk. I earned their trust in a friendly manner when I could. This was now the only way. If you weren't two-faced you could see that."
"This is not who you are."
"And is this who James McGraw was?” She pointed at him up and down in the most theatrical way she could possibly pull. “A British marine turned rogue. Where is your honour now that your ledge pours blood?"
"I don't want you to become me, because that's precisely what your parents would not want." He greeted his teeth so much, Elizabeth thought he may break them.
"A little bit late for that. Maybe we should have gone to Boston when we had the chance.
That
was what my mother wanted when she was alive. I wonder who's fault it was that we stayed in this cursed god-forsaken place."
Something possessed her that night. Something that was familiar. And she didn't like the taste it left.
This is how James' vengeance ends: with a trail of corpses behind you.
The man appeared in her dreams. But the most disturbing thing of all was that she also saw herself, as a child, before leaving London, a teddy bear in her arms. She was crying and she was bleeding.
The scene changed quickly and now she saw herself arriving at Nassau that fateful morning full of promise and energy. She had left a note at home saying she'd be back by supper. That time she was determined to start her life as a pirate. A clock started ticking, ever so loud, it even woke her up. It had all been an awful nightmare. But part of it had been real.
The day she arrived at Nassau was still so vivid in her memory. Near one establishment she had heard some music and entered without really looking where she was going. Once she was through the door it was clear that the sound was that of a harpsichord. She had played it when she was little and once they were at Nassau her mother purchased one so she could still practise, which she did less and less frequently if she was honest. It had been her father who spent more time teaching her.
Elizabeth remembered the young woman playing it the moment she entered. The instrument was not in perfect state and there was some dust atop of it. The girl was playing something slow, just to give an ambience to the place.
"May I?" Elizabeth had found herself saying. The girl looked surprised that someone might be talking to her. But she stood up all the same and let her play. And she started to beat those keys with the best she had.
People stopped for a moment due to the sudden change in music but it didn't last long till they got used to it in a merrier mood than before.
She was still immersed in her music when some familiar faces entered the bar. The man in calico who was always reading something was accompanied by the attractive man and the woman who were always beside them. Elizabeth didn't notice at first but she stopped suddenly at the sight of them. And they saw her. For the first time she had felt she was not just looking at a scene, she was part of it. She was in the scene. When she realised she had been awkwardly staring for too long she resumed playing. But she still couldn't believe it.
They had seen her!
The pirates she had admired from afar didn't sit too far from her in fact. But they were behind her, so she couldn't really turn around to have a peek without being noticed. She still remembered what they had said.
"Is she one of the new whores? She doesn't look like one." That was the one in Calico. Calico Jack, he was called.
"She's dressed like a pirate." Despite the rough voice, the words came from the woman. The famous Anne Bonny. Elizabeth wished she noticed how she had drawn inspiration from Anne's own garments.
Once she finished the piece she stood up and turned around. Her heart skipped a beat at the sight of James. His eyes were glaring and were fixed on hers. James had never had a bad word towards her. But James was now piercing her, making her nervous just with a stare. But there he wasn’t James. He was Captain Flint. She ought to remember.
Elizabeth felt the urge to go away from the inn just to leave his presence. And so she did, her breathing unsettled and her heart racing.
And just like then, today she felt like a frightened little girl alone in a dark room with damned ghosts.
You only killed him cause you didn't have a chance. You don't have to continue.
You’ve only done it cause you didn’t have a chance.
Didn’t have a chance.