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“How’s one to know I’d meet you where the spirit meets the bones, in a faith forgotten land?”
-Ivy, Taylor Swift
Adam Parrish was different. Blue knew that deep in her bones with a certainty clearer than nearly anything else in her life. It was as innate to him as his hair or his skin or his voice. It was impossible not to notice, impossible to ignore. She'd known it from the second she saw him that first day of freshman year. He was standing in the doorway of her English classroom, his face a mess of impossible contradictions. He looked full of pride but completely defeated. Vague but laser-focused. Unsure but sure all the same. He was beautiful, elegant in a way unlike the other boys in school–his hair dusty; his cheekbones high and his eyes deep-set; his body long and wiry but clearly toned and muscled all the same. He looked unlike any boy she'd ever seen before. And in that moment, Blue knew with a pure and piercing certainty that it was because he was unlike any boy she'd ever seen before. Even as a freshman, Blue worked hard to cultivate her image and reputation of cool and aloof. She was different from her peers, but in a way that exuded self-reliance (mostly faked) and self-confidence (completely faked). She had acquaintances, but not friends. The people at school would never understand her like her family did, and she made peace with that fact quickly. She was a loner, but by choice. Adam was a loner, too, but Blue wasn’t sure whether it was by choice. Something about him always seemed a bit uncanny, and she caught the way other kids skirted around him, shooting him curious looks. He spoke very little but was never rude. He was at the top of every class although he never studied with anyone. He had a family no one knew a single thing about. Uncanny. Even as the weeks passed and her and Adam didn't exchange a word, Blue felt this tugging in her stomach when she looked at him. Unlike her whole family, she wasn't psychic, but there was a feeling about him that she just couldn't shake. She felt sure, despite everything, that their lives were to intersect. That their fates were somehow connected. The first time they spoke was, funnily enough, because of a bicycle. Blue had come barreling out of her last class and made her way to the bike rack, but as she sifted through her jean pocket for the key to her lock, she came up empty-handed. Frustration and confusion starting to stir in her gut, she searched through every pocket in her bag, but it just wasn't there. She must have dropped it somewhere throughout the day. This left her with two options, neither particularly desirable: she could go back in the building and retrace her steps until the key (hopefully) turned up, or she could ask the main office to use the phone to call her mother. She was just weighing the merits of either choice when she heard a voice from behind her clear their throat, and then overly politely say, "Excuse me, but do you need some help?"It was Adam Parrish. He was standing next to his own bike, his hands shoved in his pockets and a deeply embarrassed look on his face. Why he should be embarrassed was unclear, but Blue could tell he was. "I lost the key to my lock," she replied. "So unless you've pickpocketed me and have been waiting until this exact moment to reveal your thieving ways, I'm not sure there's anything you can do."The corner of his lips quirked up into a slight smile. Blue was surprised at how much she liked the look of it. "I, um, I actually do think I could help ya with that." His accent was subtle but honey-sweet, not unlike Blue’s, but somehow softer. His voice was still dripping with politeness, but his accent made it seem more relaxed. It was strangely subduing; something about his voice made Blue feel like she'd believe anything he said. "Don't tell me you actually did pick my pocket?"He laughed, sudden and loud. It was a big thing, coming from a boy who was always quiet. Blue thought it was a nice laugh. "No, but I..." he trailed off, his eyes scanning over her before he took a step closer. He lifted a hand until it hovered just over her hair. "Do you mind?"She had no idea what he was asking, but she nodded anyway. Carefully, he lowered his hand and slid a single bobby pin from her hair. Her breath hitched when his warm skin came in contact with her scalp. She hoped he didn't hear. She hoped his breath might have hitched as well. He dropped down to his knees next to the bike and inserted the pin into the lock. It only took him a minute of jiggling it around before the lock sprung free. With a pleased little grin, he popped up to standing and held the pin back out to her. She accepted it. "Neat magic trick." It was a joke, but it was also genuine. He laughed again. Definitely a nice laugh. "You're Adam, right?" she asked, even though she knew exactly who he was. With a nod he said, "And you're Blue?""Yes.""You're from the family of psychics?" he asked, chewing on his lip like he was worried she would snap at him for asking."Yes," she replied. Sometimes, when kids at school talked about her family, they did so with cruel and rude words, but Adam didn't look judgmental like that. He was just inquiring, so Blue felt no need to do anything but respond with the truth, straight and simple. He seemed to consider that for a minute, but then he said, "I've never been to a psychic."Blue smiled. "Would you like to?"The passage of time after that became blurred and indeterminate. It was them climbing onto their bikes and making the short trip to 300 Fox Way. It was Maura forcing him to drink a cup of tea that was no doubt disgusting, but he politely finished anyway. It was Persephone dragging him into the reading room, and him pulling the Magician five times in a row. It was Calla making something with bacon for dinner and a plate being shoved into Adam's hands before he could protest, and him eating the entire thing ravenously. It was him not leaving until long after dark, and when he did, Blue being left with a sense of rightness deep in her chest. And the next thing she knew, Adam Parrish was an immovable fixture in her life. * * * They dated, because of course they did, but it took longer to get there than Blue had expected. It started with her hand slipping into his while they walked, his arm around her in the backseat of the Fox Way communal vehicle, her head on his shoulder as she dozed while they watched movies on the couch. It ended with Adam and her sitting under the big beech tree in her yard and Adam softly saying, “I think I’d like to kiss you, Blue Sargent,” to which she softly replied, “I think I’d like to kiss you, too, Adam Parrish.” And then they were kissing. They kissed and they kissed and they kissed until one day they decided not to kiss anymore. There was no strangeness or anger or discomfort, just the quiet agreement of two people that just because they loved each other didn’t mean they’d ever be in love, and that was okay. He was still her Adam, and she was still his Blue. * * * Blue knew there were things he didn’t tell her. Adam liked to think himself a good liar, and maybe he was, but not to her. She could tell the second he chewed his bottom lip and averted his eyes that he was keeping something from her. She thought it had to do with his parents. She thought it had to do with the days he missed from school and the fading bruises on his arms. She wondered if it would be alright to ask, or if she should say something to someone. She figured maybe if he wanted to tell her, he would. She hoped he would, even as time passed and he didn't. * * * Blue would always remember exactly where she was when they got the phone call. It was a Friday night early in her junior year of high school. She was sixteen and Adam was seventeen. She’d been sitting on the floor of her bedroom, chopping up an old t-shirt of Calla’s into scraps to use for a new dress. She'd eaten a strange casserole Maura made out of leftovers for dinner. She was wondering if Adam would come over after his shift at Boyd’s. Blue heard the phone chirp from the phone/sewing/cat room, and Maura cheerily shouted, “I’ve got it!” from the hallway.There were the sounds of hushed conversation through the wall for a few minutes, and then suddenly her mother was standing at her doorway, her eyes wide and her expression pinched. “What?” Blue asked, a feeling of dread already starting to pool in her stomach. “That was the hospital. It’s Adam,” she said, her voice careful, like she was trying to keep all emotion out of it.“There was an accident. He's stable, but in the ER. Apparently he listed us as an emergency contact.” Blue shoved her shirt scraps off her lap and jumped up off the floor. She felt like she'd just been slapped in the face. Adam in the hospital? “What kind of accident?” Maura bit her lip. “They didn't say. Just that we should come for him.”She yanked on her shoes and pulled on a jacket, hurtling down the stairs with Maura right on her heels. There was a commotion in the kitchen that told Blue that somehow (psychically? eavesdropping?) the news had already spread through the house. About ten people argued that they should get to come, but in the end, it was just Blue, Maura, Persephone, and Calla piled into the car. A thick, heavy silence hung over them. No one spoke the entire drive. When they got to the hospital, Maura made a beeline for the desk, but Blue zoned out the entire exchange. Her mind was running through a thousand different possibilities, each one worse than the last: Adam fell down some stairs. Adam crashed his bike. Adam was hit by a car. Even though they’d said he was alive and stable, she couldn't help the tiny voice whispering in her mind that they could be too late, that he could be gone, and she didn't know who she'd be without him anymore. She tuned back in just in time to hear her mother say, aggravation evident in her voice, “Okay, but you still haven't told us what happened to him.”The doctor sighed exasperatedly. “Sadly, I'm not allowed to divulge personal information without the patient's consent.”“But we were his emergency contacts! You called us,” Maura argued. “Yes, but as you’re not a parent or guardian, my hands are tied.”“We’re his family,” Calla snarled. The doctor sighed again. “Not legally. I'll send a nurse to see if he's interested in visitors. For now, please take a seat.”Reluctantly, their little foursome dropped into the uncomfortable waiting room chairs. They still didn’t speak. It seemed like a very, very long time before the nurse came back, although Blue knew it had probably only been a few minutes. “Blue? Blue Sargent?” she called. Blue hopped up. “That's me.”“You can come with me, please.”She turned back to look at the other women, but Persephone waved her on. Feeling very small and very aware of the fact that she was in a hospital, she followed the nurse. She led Blue down a series of winding hallways, blinding, fluorescent lights and the smell of antiseptic making Blue’s head twinge. Finally, they reached a little room, and the nurse rapped once on the door before pulling it open. “Here you go,” she said. “I'll leave y’all to it.”The moment Blue’s eyes landed on Adam, her heart dropped right out of her chest. Adam was conscious, at least, sitting up stiffly on the side of the hospital bed, but that was the only good thing about it. There were nasty bruises painting his whole face. One of his eyes was bloody. His lip was split. He had stitches in one eyebrow. But worst of all was the look on his face–vacant and faraway, like everything that made him Adam Parrish had been knocked out of him. “Adam,” Blue choked. Adam smiled a bit, but it was hollow. “Hi.”“What happened?” she asked, her voice wavering and her eyes rapidly beginning to fill with tears. She crossed the room and without invitation hopped up on the bed next to him and took his hand, their thighs pressing together. She felt instantly but only marginally better once they were touching. He was quiet for a minute, but then heaved a deep sigh. “I guess there's no point in lying ‘bout it. It's gonna come out anyway.” Blue stayed quiet until he finally continued, his voice small: “It was my dad.”Blue’s veins flushed with fury, but beneath that was the unmistakable heat of shame. She'd suspected there was something going on, but she'd foolishly kept it to herself, hoping she was wrong and waiting for the time Adam would feel comfortable telling her about it herself. And now here he was, in the hospital. Maybe had she brought it up or told Maura, this wouldn't have happened. “Oh, Adam,” she said finally, stuck between hating his father and hating herself, “I’m so sorry.”There was silence again, but then Adam said, “I hit my head on the trailer railing on my way down. They said I'm never gonna hear outta my left ear again.” His voice broke on the last word, and Blue knew that he was choking back tears. She'd seen him do it before; Adam had never been particularly comfortable with displaying emotions. “One of the neighbors saw and called the cops, and they arrested him. They'll never forgive me. I can't go home again.”She didn't speak. She didn’t think there was anything to say to that. So instead of offering empty words, she turned to the side and pulled up her knees, dragging him between them and wrapping her arms tightly around him. He laid his head down on her chest, and only once his face was blocked from view did he start to cry. He shook in her arms and she felt hot tears dripping through her shirt, but she just held him tighter and tighter like she could will his hurt away by touch alone. They stayed like that for a very long time until Adam had cried out all of his tears, until he slumped against her like he didn't have the energy to hold himself up anymore. They stayed like that until the nurse came in and forced him up to check his stitches one last time and to sign his discharge paperwork, and when they finally left the sad, little hospital room, their arms were wrapped around each other in a twisted pretzel of boy and girl. When they got out to the waiting room, all three women were up on their feet in a second. Maura came bolting across the room and took his face in her hands. He was so much taller than she was nowadays, but the action made him seem much smaller and younger. “Look at your face! Oh God, your face!” she exclaimed. Adam didn't shake her off like he would have usually, and that fact alone left a sour feeling in Blue’s stomach. “Do you think it makes me look tougher?” he asked with an empty tone. Calla laughed. “It makes you look like a boy who needs an ice pack.”Finally, Maura released him, but she looked loath to do so. Calla pulled him in for a hug too, but Persephone waved them all forward. “Come on, magician,” she said, “let’s get you home.”She didn't clarify that she meant Fox Way. They all knew.The car ride back was quiet and tense. Adam was silent–more silent than usual–and there was the distinct weight of unasked questions. Blue knew that they would require an explanation for what happened, and she also knew Adam didn't have it in him to tell the story again. When they got back, Maura shooed everybody to their rooms and told them to be quiet. For once, nobody argued, not even Orla. All she did was scamper upstairs and come back down with an armful of clothes–men’s sweatpants and a black long-sleeved shirt. “Might be a bit big,” she said. “If I'm remembering correctly, the guy who left these might as well have been an MMA fighter.” It was the kind of joke that normally would have earned at least a chuckle from Adam, but all he did was quietly thank her and take the clothes from her outstretched hands. Maura forced a plate of leftover casserole down Adam’s throat, and Calla did in fact pass him an ice pack, which he dutifully held to his rapidly forming black eye. Blue thought the black eye was maybe the least of his problems; his whole face was practically turning purple. Only after he'd finished did Maura send him upstairs with his too-big pajamas to take a shower and get ready for bed. After he'd left the room, they pounced. “Please tell me he told you what the hell happened?” Maura’s voice was quiet but tense, like she was trying to avoid Adam overhearing. Blue bit her lip. “It was his dad. Apparently he was hitting him and one of the neighbors saw and called the police.” There was a collective gasp from all three women. Calla’s eyes narrowed, and without a word, she left the room. There was a rummaging sound, and then she came back into the kitchen with a baseball bat slung over her shoulder.“What in God’s name are you doing?” Maura asked. “I'm going to go bust him up,” she spat. Maura grabbed her arm. “You can't go storming into the county jail and beat up a prisoner.”“Watch me.”Persephone stayed quiet, but she was always quiet. There was depth in her black eyes, though, and Blue knew she was thinking hard. Of all of the women, Persephone was really the one that was closest to Adam. She'd seen something in him from the beginning, and had started to teach him things–psychic things. Adam wasn't psychic in the way that the women of Fox Way were exactly, but he was in tune in a way that Blue certainly wasn't. Persephone had given him her old tarot deck and taught him to scry and hone his skills, and now they had a relationship that wasn't so much mother and son, but more like Jedi and Padawan. “He won't ever be able to hear out of his left ear again,” Blue finally added. Her mother’s face darkened even more. “Do we have another one of those baseball bats?” “What are we going to do?” Persephone cut in, clearly trying to turn the discussion towards something productive. “He’ll stay here, obviously,” Maura answered, no hesitation in her voice. It didn't matter that it would mean another mouth to feed, another body in the house. They’d meant what they said earlier: Adam was family, and Fox Way was already his home. There was no question that he would be welcome here. “We’ll get him a lawyer, work on getting him emancipated. Luckily he'll be eighteen in less than a year, so it should be fairly uncomplicated,” Maura added. Blue had zero idea how she knew so much about the legal system. “I assume there’ll be a court case, and we'll help him through that, too.”“And I'll kill his dad just for good measure,” Calla added. This time nobody argued. * * * Blue made her way upstairs and changed into her own pajamas. The shower was still running, but she slipped into the bathroom to brush her teeth. Adam either didn't notice or didn't care to mention it. He'd been in there longer than Blue figured was probably necessary, but she understood the need to scald off a bad day. She pulled out a spare toothbrush from the cabinet and left it on the counter for him when he got out. Finally, Adam appeared in her doorway, his dusty hair wet and plastered to his forehead. The pajamas were in fact too large, but he'd folded the waistline of the pants several times and hitched up the massive sleeves. He stayed there for a few seconds, intent in his eyes, and even without words, Blue knew what he was asking. Without words of her own, she held up her arms as an answer. He slinked into the room and shut the door behind him before crawling into bed next to her, turning on his side and letting Blue tuck her face against his chest and wrap her arms back around him.Blue knew that they were too old to be sharing a bed. They'd been too old when they’d met, but she didn't and had never cared. Sometimes, it felt more like Adam was an extension of herself than a separate being. It didn't matter that they were nearly adults. They were two halves of the same whole, and when they were pressed together like this, it always felt like two puzzle pieces being slotted into place. Blue wouldn't be surprised if they were sharing a bed for the rest of their lives. She nuzzled his neck, inhaling the scent of her own body wash on his skin, and let herself curl around him even tighter. He was so tall nowadays and she was so little, and yet they still fit together so perfectly. He didn't speak for so long that she almost thought he was asleep. But then abruptly through the darkness, his voice rang out, tired and weary sounding but steady nonetheless: “I will never be like him.”“No, you won’t,” Blue said, because it was impossible to imagine any version of Adam that could be anything like that man. He would never, could never become anything so horrid. “I won't,” Adam said, his voice firm and full of meaning. “I won’t let it happen.”There was something in his tone that caused a tugging in her stomach–that slight feeling of premonition she'd only had a few times before. There was something cold in it, but also something daring. Something set, like Adam had come to a decision about a question Blue hadn't even known he was debating. It left her feeling, somehow, a bit afraid. And in that moment, Blue knew with that same pure and piercing certainty from when she'd first seen him that something was changing. That nothing would ever be the same again.
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
“I wish to know the fatal flaw that makes you long to be magnificently cursed.”
-Taylor Swift, Ivy
Adam’s back hurt. Actually, to be more accurate, Adam’s everything hurt, but his back seemed to be the most pressing issue at the moment. He’d spent five hours hunched over a car at Boyd’s the day before, and then another four hours hunched over his homework afterwards, and he was paying the price for his bad posture this morning. He could feel how knotted and sore his back muscles were even from where he was lying down; the idea of hauling himself out of bed and actually moving sounded abominable. Really, though, he thought it was silly to complain. It was a Friday, which meant he had no morning shift before school and, blessedly, no afternoon shift as well. Having a single day off meant he had to work more hours the rest of the week, but it was worth it to have this minor reprieve. Fridays were good for other reasons, too. They meant the weekend, which meant slightly more free time than during the week. They also meant dinner at 300 Fox Way, which was an event worth writing sonnets about. He was fairly certain he'd be dying of scurvy if not for those scheduled meals. After the Incident (as he'd taken to calling it), Maura and Blue had begged him to stay at Fox Way, and for a while he did. Calla went to the trailer park the day after to pick up his relatively few belongings, they'd dragged a mattress into the attic for him, and ta-da! Instant home. But in all honesty, it felt strange to think of it that way; Fox Way had already been more of a home to him than the trailer ever was. Living at Fox Way was objectively perfect. It meant he got to spend as much time with Blue as he wanted, eat three actual meals a day, and get attention from adults that didn't involve a fist to his face. So, naturally, he hated it. It didn't matter to Adam how perfect it was because it wasn't his. He appreciated their kindness more than he could ever explain, but he knew he couldn't live off it forever. He needed to build a life for himself by himself, not based on the charity of others. The women of Fox Way were unhappy about his choice to leave, but they were understanding. Thanks to their support and testimony, Adam was able to win his court case against his father. Although it didn't result in jail time (which had caused mass outrage unlike anything he'd seen before, even worse than the time Orla drained the communal bank account to set up a website that subsequently made no money), it did result in Adam’s legal emancipation and a restraining order that made him feel marginally safer. He had savings from all of his jobs, and he snapped up the cheapest place he could find–a shitty little apartment above St. Agnes Catholic Church. It was shit, but it was his shit. That had been the first step. The second step was Aglionby Academy. He’d nearly applied a thousand times before, but every single time he’d talked himself out of it. There was always a voice in his head telling him that he had no shot of getting in, that they would see right through him. The voice told him that even if he did fake his way in, he’d never be able to cut it there. He was a useless idiot, and he would never have what it took to be a raven boy. But after the Incident, every priority in Adam’s life started to get rearranged. If he wanted to not be his father, he needed out of Henrietta. And if he wanted out of Henrietta, he needed to get into a good college far, far away. And if he wanted to get into a good college far, far away, he needed Aglionby. He’d submitted the application without even telling Blue because he’d been so sure it would amount to nothing. So when he got that fated acceptance letter, he’d completely panicked. How the hell was he supposed to tell his best friend that he would be leaving her for their senior year? Not only that, but that he’d have to take on even more jobs in order to be able to afford it (partial scholarship!) and would see her even less because of that? Or worst of all, that he was leaving her to join up with the people that the two of them had always hated most in the world? He had been a little bit worried she was going to kick him in the nuts. Luckily, she didn’t. He could tell she was disappointed, but she was clearly still happy for him. They all were. The women of Fox Way threw him a big party the weekend before he started, complete with Maura’s famous sludgy brownies and gifts from all. He was completely horrified at the prospect of accepting a single gift from them (he knew that they weren’t much richer than he was), let alone multiple, but Calla had threatened punishment of death if he was difficult, so he shoved down his pride and tried to think of it as an act of love instead of an act of charity. He got a new quartz scrying ball from Persephone, a recipe book from Calla, and a brand new copy of his favorite novel from Maura. Blue handmade him a knitted sweater, and it was a little too big and possibly a little bit hideous and also the nicest thing anyone had ever given him. He may or may not have cried.The first few weeks had been rough, but he'd known they would be. It wasn't that the classes were so hard necessarily–in fact, Adam was pleased by the way he was being intellectually challenged for the first time in his life–it was that he'd been unprepared for the sheer amount of work it all was. Going to Aglionby meant that besides the time at school, he spent hours and hours doing homework. And on top of that, he needed to join clubs and associations so he'd have something else to add to his college applications. He was starting to get concerned that three jobs on top of Aglionby was going to kill him from exhaustion before he could graduate. It was hard, but he managed. He subsisted on four hours of sleep and microwave ramen and Fox Way leftovers (“We always make too much anyway!” Maura always argued, as if Adam didn't know she was making too much just for his benefit) and sheer power of will. It was worth it. He could do it. He knew he could. So even though his back hurt, Adam hauled himself out of bed. It was okay; it was Friday. He'd get a blessed afternoon off and a home-cooked meal. It would all be okay, okay, okay. * * * On normal days, Aglionby got out at 3:30 pm. On Fridays, however, it got out at 3:15. Adam knew that to his classmates, those fifteen minutes were meaningless, but to him, they were priceless. To someone with practically zero free time, fifteen minutes was a quarter of an hour of extra life without strings attached. Every Friday he would come sprinting out the gates of school and breathe a sigh of relief at those precious, indescribable fifteen minutes. After his last class, Adam grabbed his bike and headed back to St. Agnes to change out of his uniform. He knew Blue had a shift at Nino’s that afternoon, and he figured he'd go over there so they could head to Fox Way together after for dinner. He always changed before he did this, or Blue would make fun of him about it. She always called his uniform his “asshole costume,” which was a joke that would have made his skin flush and his blood run cold if it came from anyone else, but was acceptable coming from her.Once he'd changed, he made sure he had all of his books in his backpack and headed off to Nino’s. He was greeted at the front by Cialiana, another waitress at the pizza shop. Adam considered her nice enough, in that she flirted with him incessantly but also always led him right to a booth in Blue’s section without a second thought. She was annoying but harmless. Just as he popped down into the booth, Blue came crashing out of the back kitchen carrying a pizza plate bigger than her. When her eyes landed on him, she broke out into a grin that lit up her whole face brighter than a neon sign. It was her Adam face, and he didn't think he'd ever really be used to seeing it. When they'd first met and he'd thought there was going to be something grand and romantic between them, that smile had made his stomach do somersaults. It didn't do that anymore, but it still made his whole body spark with joy. Seeing it was like releasing a breath he didn't even know he’d been holding.She dropped off the pizza before throwing herself down dramatically across from him in the booth. “I hate my life,” she groaned. “What happened?” he asked, the corner of his lips already dragging up into a slight smile. Blue had a knack for theatrics. It was one of his favorite things about her. “Ricky Thomas asked me out at lunch.”“I'm sure that went well,” he said with a snort. Adam knew Ricky Thomas. He had zero doubts that him asking Blue out was a certified recipe for disaster.“Well, he asked me out after drawing a unicorn with a very large penis on my notebook, so yes, it went just swimmingly.” Adam laughed before she added, “How was school?”He shrugged. “Ya know. School. What about you? Other than the unicorn incident, of course.”She was just opening her mouth to respond when her manager Donny suddenly shouted, “Sargent! Are you done with social hour?”“Ugh, fine. Duty calls.” She rolled her eyes so hard he was worried they were going to fall out of her head before hauling herself up to standing. “You still coming over for dinner?” She asked that every week, like he wouldn’t sooner cut off his own foot than miss dinner at Fox Way. “‘Course.”“Excellent.” And there was that grin again. As she went scurrying off, Adam started to pull his books out of his bag and pile them on the table. Blue was always shocked that he was able to do work at Nino’s since it was usually deafeningly loud and full of rowdy, obnoxious raven boys. But something about the clattering always dimmed the humming inside of him–it was like the background all just faded into white noise. He'd done some of his most successful studying right here in this booth. As he worked, Blue dropped off a glass of sweet tea and a plate of pepperoni pizza. Technically, he knew it was stealing since he never paid, but in reality, her managers weren't paying enough attention to notice or care. At first, Adam had protested on principle, but eventually, he had to concede that the knock to his pride was worth it. He just didn't have it in him to turn down free food nowadays. He was just getting started on an English essay when Blue flitted by him, tapping him on the arm before muttering, “Here comes the douchebag parade.”He glanced up, and his whole body froze. Strolling into Nino’s was none other than Richard Campbell Gansey III–the king of Aglionby Academy. Seeing him never failed to make Adam’s muscles seize up and all words die in his throat. Gansey was everything Aglionby represented rolled into one perfectly groomed human being. He was rich and smart and charming beyond belief. He was everything Adam ever wanted to be, and everything he was afraid of. Sometimes, it hurt to look at him. As always, Gansey was flocked by his two best friends. If he was a king, they were his most trusted advisors. To his right was Noah Czerny, an elfin-looking boy with a sunshine smile and hair so blonde it was almost white. Noah was difficult for Adam to figure out, since he always seemed to swing between two distinct modes. Sometimes, he was hyperactive beyond belief, bouncing off the walls and laughing so hard at lunch that juice came out of his nose. Sometimes, he was sunken into himself, smudgy and reserved with a vacant look in his eyes. Adam wasn’t sure what to make of these two Noahs–what they meant and where they came from. To Gansey’s right was Ronan Lynch, and if Noah’s smile was sunshine, Ronan’s was the pitch-black night. With his shaved head and gigantic back tattoo, Ronan looked every bit the kind of guy that would steal your lunch money, or better yet, your car. He was ANARCHY personified. He was gasoline and hatred and ice blue eyes and sex. If Gansey was Aglionby in human form, Ronan was everything that stood against it. It was impossible for Adam to imagine them being friends, and yet they were. Even more, they were friends in the same kind of inseparable, codependent-seeming way that he and Blue were friends. Adam’s brain had a hard time understanding that fact. Everything about him was a threat to stay away, but sometimes, when Adam let his mind wander, he'd find himself looking at Ronan. And sometimes, Ronan would be looking back at him. Gansey was talking on his cell phone, but he held up three fingers to Cialiana and she started to lead them towards the back of the restaurant. He hung up the phone just as they arrived at the booth directly next to Adam. “Adam Parrish!” he said merrily. Gansey always called him by his full name for some reason. Adam Parrish. Everything about his tone screamed congress and galas and yacht parties. Adam swallowed a lump in his throat. “Hi, guys,” Adam said generally. Noah offered him a typical bro-y kind of nod, chirping, “Hey, dude!”Ronan said nothing. He just glared. “Oh! Are you getting started on that Pride and Prejudice essay?” Gansey asked, his voice still overly friendly. “I’ve really got to get going on that myself.”“Yeah,” Adam said with a shrug. “Getting a head start.” He didn’t mention that the head start was necessary since he’d be working every day until the essay was due. “Well, we won’t keep you from your work.” Gansey nodded politely and then the three of them slid into their booth. “Good to see you!”Adam mumbled something vague in response and dropped his head back down, trying his hardest to appear as small and nondescript as humanly possible. Something about seeing Gansey, Ronan, and Noah–the gods of Henrietta–always left him feeling unmoored. It made that voice that lived in his head grow louder: They can see right through you. They know you come from dirt. They hate you, hate you, hate you. Instead of letting himself spiral into an Adam Parrish-shaped pit of despair, he forced his hearing ear to focus on the stupid pop music in the shop instead of the conversation drifting over from the other booth, and forced his brain back on his essay.
No one’s looking at you. Nobody’s paying attention to you.
That reminder always seemed like both a blessing and a curse.He managed to muster his attention back to his work and had been outlining for God knows how long when there was a tingling on the back of his neck. His spidey-senses, Blue always called them. Adam wasn’t psychic–at least not in the way that women of 300 Fox Way were–but he was something. He’d have little bursts of premonitions, of the feeling that something was about to happen right before it did. Sometimes it was something trivial, like which card Persephone was about to pull, and sometimes it was something real. He had a feeling what was about to happen was somewhere between the two. He looked up from his work just in time to hear Blue shout, “I am not a prostitute!”Blue was standing against the wall, her arms crossed and a pissed look on her face, and standing across from her was Gansey. His mouth was open in a surprised little o, and Adam could see the panic in his eyes. As someone who had experienced the Wrath of Blue more times than he could count, Adam understood that terror. But he also understood that Gansey was, for all intents and purposes, a rich, white bastard and that he’d probably just said something wildly insensitive. Adam thought it was probably time to intervene.He hopped up out of his seat and strolled over to where the two of them were talking, and as he walked up, he could already hear Gansey trying to backtrack. “I most certainly did not mean to imply that—”“I know exactly what you were trying to imply, you little–”“Hey, what seems to be the problem over here?” Adam asked, sliding in right before Blue could begin a no doubt long and scathing insult that would most likely leave Gansey in tears. The look of relief on Gansey’s face at Adam’s arrival was palpable. People were often relieved to see Adam, with his polite words and quaint accent.“Your little friend here was just offering me money in exchange to go flirt with his friend,” Blue practically growled. “Because clearly I have to be paid for my dates.” Adam didn’t bother to point out that Gansey wasn’t really his friend. He had a feeling Blue would not find that information relevant at the moment.“I really meant no harm,” Gansey tried again. “You mentioned you were working and I thought it would be rude to not take that into account. The last thing I wanted was to offend.” “Sounds like this was some kind of misunderstanding,” Adam said, raising his hands like trying to calm down two fighting dogs. “I’m sure he didn't mean to cause trouble.”Blue glared at him. “No, he meant to cause trouble.”Gansey let out a breath and ran a hand through his perfect hair. “I’m not sure what to say now.”“How about ‘I’m sorry’?” Blue spat. “I already said that.”“Then how about ‘Bye’?”“Okay,” he said amiably. “Goodbye.” He seemed to direct it to both Blue and Adam. As he walked back to their table, he looked a little disoriented and also a little defeated, which was not a look Adam had ever seen on him before. There was something about it that made Adam’s heart lurch, but he wasn’t sure why. He thought maybe it was because, for the first time, Gansey actually looked human. Noah, on the other hand, was halfway underneath the table with his face in his hands, and Ronan was slapping him on the back of the head, laughing. Evidently, it was Noah who had been interested in Blue. When he turned back to Blue, she was looking off to the side at the other wall, her eyebrows furrowed together and her mouth set in a harsh line. “You okay?” he asked.She didn’t answer, just kept staring at the wall like she wanted to explode it with her mind. She was upset; Adam could tell. “Blue-Blue?” he said, hoping his use of the stupid, unimaginative nickname he’d given her when they were fourteen would make her smile like it usually did. He brought one hand up to cup her cheek and tilted it so she was looking at him. “Are you okay?” Finally, she said, “I don’t understand how you put up with them.” He didn’t have to ask her what she meant, because he knew. He always knew.“Gansey’s not so bad, really,” he said gently. “He’s just unaware. He’s not trying to be horrible. It’s just how he is.”Her eyes narrowed even more. “Is that any better?”Adam let out a big breath. He wasn’t sure, actually. He spent so much of his life walking on eggshells around boys like Gansey that he understood better than anyone what it was like to be subject to their ridiculous, tone-deaf comments. He didn’t know if it was better or worse that they didn’t know better. “I don’t understand how you are one of them,” she said, her voice so quiet it was barely a whisper. Adam had a feeling she hadn't meant to say that out loud. That made something in Adam’s chest snap, and before he knew it, he’d pulled Blue to him in a tight hug. It hurt. All of it hurt. Because he didn’t know how he was one of them either. He wasn’t sure that he was, really. He wanted to tell her that. “What time do you get off?” he asked instead. “Like twenty minutes,” she answered, her voice muffled against his chest. “Great.” He released her. “Go finish up and we’ll head home. Want me to stay the night?”He did that sometimes when he didn’t have a morning shift the next day. Staying at Fox Way was like a nice treat–there was heat in the winter, AC in the summer, hot water, and a bed that didn’t feel like a slab of stone. He also knew that it made Blue (and the rest of the family) happy when he did. He had a feeling that spending his Friday night platonically sharing a bed with his ex-girlfriend/best friend at age eighteen was possibly a little bit lame, but he didn't really care.“Yeah, that’d be nice,” she exhaled. He offered her a soft smile. It was his Blue smile. It was less all-encompassing than her Adam smile, but it was special, because it was for just the two of them. He leaned down and pressed a kiss to her forehead. “Go get back to work,” he said, trying to infuse humor into his voice. She smiled. He knew she felt a little better. He felt a little better, too. When he walked back to his booth, Gansey still looked shell-shocked, and Noah still looked like he wanted to be dead, but Ronan was watching him. Adam had a feeling he might have been watching for a long time. Lesser men cowered at Ronan Lynch’s lethal glare, but for all of Adam’s faults, he was nothing if not prideful; he met Ronan’s eyes, ice blue and full of indeterminate intent. Ronan stared back, neither party yielding until Adam slid back into his booth and the seat blocked his view. Somehow, even then, Adam felt like he could still feel Ronan’s eyes on him.
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
“Clover blooms in the field, spring breaks loose, the time is near.”
-Taylor Swift, Ivy
It’s three days later when everything changes. Adam wondered if he should start expecting this–for everything to be the way it always is one second, and then the next, everything is different and new. It was what happened with Blue, with his father. Reality shifts until it’s something new, something Adam can’t recognize at first, but later can barely remember a time before. He wondered how much of his life would be measured by then and now.He was biking up the hill to school, going over his history notes for the quiz in third period when he got that tingly feeling on his neck again. Spidey-senses, he heard Blue whisper in his ear. Just as he crested the hill, he saw a car on the side of the road. It was furiously orange and leaking smoke. It was a car Adam had seen many, many times before. Of all the things Richard Gansey was famous for, his car was near the top of the list. His ‘73 bright orange Camaro–also known as the Pig–was the stuff of legends, mainly because it couldn’t seem to go more than two weeks without breaking down and being towed to the shop. Adam had even worked on it once or twice at Boyd’s. And here it was, just like a thousand times before, stopped on the side of the road, its hood popped and Gansey leaning inside, looking like if he stared at the engine for long enough, it would reveal all of its secrets to him. Adam didn’t register himself pulling off the road until he stepped off his bike and put down his kickstand. What am I doing here? he asked himself. Three days before, Gansey was fighting with Blue at Nino’s, and now here Adam was, standing next to his car. His mouth opened before he caught it, and he found himself saying the same words that he’d first said to Blue all of those years before: “Excuse me, but do you need some help?”Gansey spun around and looked at him. Before he could respond, Adam suddenly felt the nagging need to explain himself. “I work at a mechanic shop. I might be able to fix it. Would you like me to?”Gansey cocked his head to the side, and then he said, “No.”Adam’s heart stopped beating, his cheeks flushing red with embarrassment. Of course Gansey wouldn’t want his help. Not when he could call a tow truck himself. Not when Adam’s friend had verbally eviscerated him less than a week before. He was just turning around to get his bike when Gansey said, “I’d like you to show me. That way I can learn how to fix it myself.”His heart restarted. The next minutes passed very much like his first afternoon with Blue: the blurring, indeterminate passing of time as strangers became something more. Adam pointed out the issue with the engine and then showed Gansey the quick fix. He was surprised to see Gansey unworried about getting his hands and his uniform dirty, a fact he both respected and resented. The next thing he knew, they were securing Adam’s bike in the trunk of the car and he was slipping into the passenger seat as the two of them headed for school. While they drove, Gansey cleared his throat and spoke, loudly over the roaring of the engine, “I’d like to apologize, by the way, about what happened the other day at Nino’s with your girlfriend.”“She’s not my girlfriend,” Adam corrected gently. “Blue’s my best friend.” “Ah,” Gansey said with a nod, like Adam was providing him with an interesting piece of information. “Well, I’m still sorry. I didn’t mean to offend her in any way.” “I know you didn’t.”“She seemed very upset.”“She was."“It was a mistake. Definitely a lapse of judgment,” he elaborated. “Noah had just remarked that she was quite pretty but was then refusing to speak to her, so I tried instead. The prostitute comparison was completely by accident.”“I know that.”“Of course. I’m still sorry, though.”Adam paused for a moment, but then said, “I’m not really the one you should be apologizing to.”“I’m aware. And I fear I didn’t do a good job of making amends the other day. I would really appreciate it if you could pass the message along. Let her know again that I meant no harm?”“Sure,” Adam said, but he wasn’t sure if he really would. Blue had been surprisingly upset about the entire situation, and he thought it might be better if they just left it in the past. The rest of the drive was quiet, but it wasn’t an uncomfortable kind of quiet. Gansey seemed more relaxed after apologizing, and Adam appreciated the effort. It was content and friendly silence, charged with possibilities. It was the kind of silence he’d only ever experienced with Blue. He found it nice to have it with Gansey as well. When they got to school, Adam was surprised to find himself following Gansey into Borden House for Latin. He was more surprised to find himself dropping into the chair next to him when Gansey nodded to it. And he was even more surprised when Noah clapped him on the shoulder before sitting down behind him, and when Ronan dropped into the seat behind Gansey with nothing more than an inquisitive glance. But most of all, he was surprised at the fuzzy feeling in his veins as he sat there with them. He felt that tingle again, that tugging of the future, that voice in his deaf ear whispering that something was starting, something was starting.
* * *
Approximately nine hours after Adam pulled his bike up next to Gansey’s Camaro, Noah Czerny walked into Nino’s. Blue, of course, did not know his name at the time. All she knew was that he was the smudgy blonde raven boy who’d apparently thought she was cute the Friday before, and whose obnoxious friend had so kindly compared her to a prostitute. The moment he walked into the restaurant, she raised every single one of her hackles, but as she watched him, they inevitably started to drop. He was glancing around himself anxiously, his hands stuffed inside his pants pockets. His sweater was a little bit too long for him, and he had a scar or a birthmark on one of his cheekbones. He was good-looking in a soft way–closer to pretty than to handsome. She was struck immediately by how strange he looked for a raven boy. In that moment, he somehow seemed closer to Adam than to his asshole friend. To her surprise, that realization infused her with a heady sense of relaxation. He spoke briefly to Cialiana at the front before she pointed him over to where Blue was standing against the counter. It was early in the afterschool hours on a Monday, which meant the shop was quiet. Blue had spent the first thirty minutes of her shift sipping sweet tea and writing fanfiction in her head about the few customers. As he walked over, he took his hands out of his pockets and flapped them around for a second like he wasn’t sure what to do with them. Finally, he settled on wringing them in front of himself. Blue let her lips quirk up a bit at his clear uncomfortableness, halfway between a smile and a smirk. “Hi,” he said. It came out kind of forced, like he’d been rehearsing how to say it before he got to her. Something about the fact endeared him a bit to Blue. “Hi.”“Um, I was here the other day. With my friends.” He gestured over his shoulder, vaguely back in the direction of the booth they’d been sitting in. “I remember.”He squirmed a little bit. Somehow that endeared him a bit more. “Okay, long story short I’m really sorry about my friend being a dick to you and he’s actually a nice guy he’s just kind of stupid sometimes and I shouldn’t have even told him that I thought you were pretty because that was probably disrespectful of me but I never thought in a million years he would have–”She cut him off with a little laugh. “Don’t you need to breathe?”At that, he seemed to remember that he did in fact need to breathe, and he gulped in a furious breath so dramatically that Blue couldn’t help from laughing again. It wasn’t a mean laugh, and she hoped he could tell. “Why are you apologizing?” she asked. “You didn’t do anything.” He froze and seemed to think about that for a second, before scratching his head and mumbling, “Actually, I’m not sure.” “Well, if you think of the reason, feel free to let me know,” she joked. He seemed to take her literally and continued thinking forcefully for several seconds. “Oh! I remember why!” he yelped, seeming both excited and unhappy to have remembered. “I could tell it made you uncomfortable, and I sort of feel like that’s my fault.”“It wasn’t you who made me uncomfortable.”“But I’m the one who said you were pretty,” he argued. “That wasn’t what made me uncomfortable.”“Oh,” he said, a little bit quietly, like he wasn’t quite sure how to continue the conversation, but wasn’t quite ready for it to be over yet. Blue understood, since she was somewhat feeling the same. She was surprised by the fact that she actually liked talking to this boy.“Oh,” she echoed back. “Also, I would never have said that or let Gansey come talk to you if I’d known you were Adam’s girlfriend,” he tacked on. “That was shitty.” “I’m not Adam’s girlfriend.”That was an assumption she’d gotten quite a bit over the past years, particularly after they actually did date and then quietly broke up. Sometimes, it bothered her. Right now, it didn’t seem anything other than slightly amusing and also like a reasonable conclusion for this boy to have reached, incorrect as it was. “You’re not?” His eyes went wide as dinner plates.“Nope.”“Does…Does that mean that I am allowed to tell you that I think you’re pretty?” he asked, stuttering through his words. Blue laughed again. She thought that this boy had made her laugh more in the last few minutes than she’d laughed all day. She thought that there was something about him that she quite liked. She thought him telling her that she was pretty didn’t seem half bad. “Go for it.”“I think you’re pretty,” he said, the words suddenly tumbling from his lips. “I think you’re very, very pretty. Beautiful, even. Gorgeous. Stunning.”Blue’s heart did a little dance in her chest. She couldn’t even remember the last time someone told her she was beautiful. And she’d certainly never been called that by a raven boy. But then again, at that moment he seemed a little bit less raven and a little bit more boy.“Can I tell you something?” she asked, taking a measured step towards him. She felt bold.He just nodded.She pressed up onto her tiptoes and brought her lips less than an inch from his ear. “I think you’re quite pretty, yourself,” she whispered against his skin. She both heard and felt his sharp inhale. “Th-thank you,” he mumbled. “What’s your name?” she asked, leaning back against the wall. His face was flushed and his lips were parted. It was a good look for him. It made her feel powerful. “Noah,” he said, his voice high-pitched and squeaky. “Noah Czerny.”“Blue.”“Hm?”“My name is Blue,” she said. “Blue Sargent. Are you going to ask for my number, pretty boy?”His whole face turned beet red and she saw him swallow thickly, his Adam’s apple bobbing in his throat. Seemingly unable to talk, he nodded, so she pulled the pen out of her work apron and reached for his sleeve, messily scrawling the number on the inside of his forearm. His skin was cool and soft to the touch. “It’s a landline, so don’t call after ten,” she said, slipping the pen back into her apron pocket. With a sly smile, she added, “I’m glad you came back, Noah Czerny.”As Noah walked out of Nino’s, Blue felt pretty and funny and wanted and a little bit silly and a lot bouncy from laughing. And she didn’t have to be a psychic to feel, just like Adam had, that something new was starting.
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
“Crescent moon, coast is clear.”
-Taylor Swift, Ivy
Ronan Lynch did not play well with others. His older brother Declan had often tried to convince him that he had at some point been fine with other people, but Ronan knew that was a lie. He might have at some point been better with people, but he was never fine. It wasn’t so much that Ronan disliked people in general. It was just that he disliked most people, his older brother Declan included. The number of people he could tolerate, let alone actually like, had always been on the small side, but had become miniscule when he’d started at Aglionby Academy. Ronan hadn’t wanted to go to Aglionby at all, but his parents had sent Declan, and because he was such a brown-nosing little prick, he adored the place. And the next thing Ronan knew, he was being wrestled into a goddamn tie for school every morning. His freshman year was hell, and Ronan took the concept of hell very seriously. If he thought he didn’t like people before, it was nothing compared to how much he disliked the people at Aglionby. Ronan was rich, and he knew it, but he wasn’t rich in the same way that students at Aglionby were. Ronan’s family’s wealth involved a farm and a house full of clutter and two parents who loved their children very much. Aglionby wealth involved Congress and finance and parents who shipped their kids off the first chance they got. Ronan had often struggled to relate to the students at his old school, but it was a pale comparison of how much he struggled to relate to the kids at Aglionby. It turned out there was nothing he liked less than obnoxious rich kids with credit cards and daddy issues. It was around then that Ronan started thinking he would rather not go to school at all than suffer through another three years at Aglionby. All of that changed when he met Gansey and Noah. The two of them both transferred in their sophomore year, and although there were many ways in which they were similar to their other classmates, there were distinct differences that were significant to Ronan. The first was that although they went to boarding school, neither of them had been exactly shipped off. Gansey had begged his parents to attend Aglionby after Henrietta ended up on his radar in terms of historical and mystical findings. Gansey had spent most of his adolescent life chasing new discoveries in Welsh history and artifacts–particularly the magical ones–and Henrietta became the next stop on his world tour. Aglionby had been a choice for him, and a choice he fought hard to make. Noah, on the other hand, had not so much been shipped off as that he'd chosen a place to start a new life. After a violent incident at his old school sent him spiraling into a fit of anxiety and depression, his parents had decided it made sense for him to find somewhere new. Aglionby was the place that Noah settled on after narrowing it down to a few options and then flipping a coin. It was not a choice in the same way that Gansey’s was, but it was a choice nonetheless. Ronan had, of course, immediately been enamored with both of them. They each stood for and related to different sections of Ronan's psyche, but they were sections that mattered deeply. Gansey was all loyalty and discovery and quirky interests, and Noah was all laughter and teasing, but he had a darkness in him that Ronan shared. They quickly formed into a three-headed animal. Everything changed again when Ronan’s father died. When he was murdered, he corrected himself. It seemed an important distinction. His mother had gone practically catatonic afterward and had to be hospitalized, so while Declan and his younger brother Matthew moved into Aglionby housing, Ronan moved into Monmouth Manufacturing, the defunct warehouse-turned-apartment that Gansey and Noah shared. Since then, Ronan often felt that he was more darkness than boy, and that Noah and Gansey were the only thing keeping him dragged into the light. He loved them in a way that was simultaneously very much like how he loved his brothers while also being unique and particular all the same. They were Gansey-Ronan-Noah, and he thought it would always be that way. He wanted it to always be that way. * * * Gansey was a collector of many things–ancient artifacts, fun facts about ducks, bad puns, books on Welsh history–but he was not typically a collector of people. He felt things stronger than the typical teenager, and there was only so much room in his heart for the all-encompassing type of friendships that he had. He had Ronan and he had Noah and he had about a thousand acquaintances that objectively meant very little to him. These were all facts that Ronan knew very clearly, that Gansey had regularly conveyed to him. So the last thing Ronan had been anticipating was for Gansey to suddenly pick up a stray. And for that stray to be Adam Fucking Parrish–God, Ronan thought the universe was punishing him.Adam Parrish. Here's how it had begun: Ronan was sitting in his usual seat in the back of the Latin classroom, Gansey in the seat in front, Noah in the seat next door while they chattered mindlessly with each other. It was the first day of his senior year. He had almost made it. His father had died, but Ronan had not, despite his darkest wishes. He had one more year and then it would be finished–he could move back to the Barns and tend to his cows and bring his mom home to nurse her back to health. School wasn't what he wanted, but he'd promised Gansey he'd try, so he was trying. And it was finally almost over. Adam Parrish had walked into the room, and like a magnet, Ronan’s eyes had been drawn right to him. He was new in a school that was small enough that a new kid was noticeable, particularly a new kid coming in just for senior year. More noticeable, however, was how uncommonly beautiful he was. Beautiful in the type of way that made Ronan’s heart skip a beat and his brain short circuit. His hair was light–somewhere between blonde and brown, like the color of dust or dirt–and his eyebrows were so fair they were nearly nonexistent. He had peculiar facial features, his cheekbones high and his face long in a way that reminded Ronan a bit of old pictures from the Civil War. He nearly looked gothic, but in a way that was striking and intensely unique. But what Ronan was drawn to most were his hands–long and skinny like the rest of him, clearly calloused from work, and with knuckles that protruded in an elegant, boyish way. In fact, everything about him was elegant. Ronan thought he was the most gorgeous person he'd ever seen in his life. The most fascinating part of him, though, was the expression in his eyes. He seemed both filled with wonder and also fiercely guarded, like he was prepared for a battle that hadn't even yet begun. His gaze was intense and focused and Ronan couldn't help but wonder what it would feel like to have that gaze trained on him. What it would feel like to have his full attention. Ronan wanted it, wanted him so desperately. “Who’s that?” Gansey had asked quietly, but Ronan didn't answer. He just leaned back in his seat and tilted his head up to the ceiling and allowed himself a single, unspoken prayer to God, just one word: please. So when Gansey had been sitting with Adam in Latin that day, Ronan hadn't known whether to be intensely grateful or horrifyingly pissed at his luck. Because he was not capable of voicing his desires, but he also didn't think he was capable of sitting there with Adam, wanting him so badly, and doing nothing at all. He wanted to destroy something. Ronan knew he was going to be a dick to him, because wasn't that really the only thing he was capable of? He had hoped that Adam sitting with them in class would be a fluke–a one-time thing that they would all quickly move on from. So when the day after, Gansey arrived at school with Adam Parrish in the passenger seat of the Pig, he had been dismayed. And when Gansey had announced that Adam would be coming hiking with them that weekend, Ronan had hoped he was joking. But evidently, he was not. Ronan was not pleased. Noah, on the other hand, had taken the news swimmingly. Unlike Ronan, he typically liked and got along with most people, and Adam was no exception. He was perfectly pleased with the new edition, and he'd taken the opportunity to also invite his own new edition, a girl he'd apparently asked out a few days before. So that was how Ronan found himself in the passenger seat of Gansey’s car, the backseat crowded with Noah, Adam, and the not-a-prostitute girl from Nino’s. Noah had conveniently not mentioned to anyone that she was the girl he'd asked out, and Ronan had been worried Gansey was going to have a stroke when she showed up in the parking lot of Monmouth. To not-a-prostitute girl's credit (“Blue. My name is Blue Sargent. Please don't call me not-a-prostitute girl.”), she had seemed pleased at Gansey’s obvious discomfort. She'd seemed even more pleased when Gansey blushed furiously and turned away as Noah kissed her on the cheek. Ronan liked it. He had to admire a lady who got off on getting under Dick’s skin. And now here they were, two additional bodies stuffed into the car as they headed towards the mountains. The tension in the small space was, predictably, ramped up to a thousand. Blue was sitting between Adam and Noah, which was creating a strange dynamic that was fascinating even to Ronan. He had–until Noah revealed that Blue was his secret mystery woman–been under the impression that she was Parrish’s girlfriend, a fact that had upset him more than he cared to admit. Instead, they were apparently friends. But they seemed to be friends in a way that involved lots of eye contact and a surprising amount of touching. Even in the back seat of the car, Blue had her hand on top of Adam’s while Noah’s rested on her bare thigh. Ronan was no stranger to intense, codependent friendships, but he still found it weird. He wondered briefly if that had to do with internalized beliefs of heteronormativity, but then promptly decided to shut down that train of thought until a later, preferably less pressing date. “So, Jane, is it? How did you and Adam meet?” Gansey asked. Ronan could feel the icy chill radiating from the back seat. “My name is Blue,” she spat. Gansey’s whole face turned bright red. “Oh, I'm sorry! Jane just seems to fit you, that's all.”“Well, it's not my name.”“It could be.”“Excuse me, jackass, but you can't go around renaming people just because you–”“We met in high school, our freshman year,” Adam cut in. Blue shot him a deadly glare for interrupting her ranting, but he ignored her with the kind of chill familiarity that revealed much about their closeness. “Been best friends since.”Gansey cleared his throat, clearly trying to regain a sense of control over the conversation. “And were you two ever together? You seem quite…intimate with each other.”Ronan wrinkled his nose. He could tell Gansey had been searching for the most polite word choice possible. Intimate, however, would not have been his particular choice. “Briefly,” Adam answered. “We're like family,” Blue added.“So you’re both born and raised in Henrietta, then?” Gansey asked.“Yes." Adam's voice was strangely harsh and hard-set, like he was putting a period on that line of conversation. “Blue comes from a family of psychics,” he added, blatantly changing the topic. He has something he’s hiding, Ronan thought.“Oh wow, that’s sick!” Noah exclaimed. Ronan saw Blue’s cheeks flush in the rearview mirror. “I’m not psychic, though. But Adam is!” “You’re psychic?” Gansey asked, his voice suddenly full of interest and enthusiasm. There was nothing he loved more than a bit of magical intrigue. The girl in the backseat of his car coming from a family of psychics would have been exciting enough, but to discover that his newly found friend was psychic himself? Ronan thought Gansey might just cream his pants. “Not really,” Adam said, and there was embarrassment in his tone, like he didn’t want the attention on him. “Not like Blue’s family.”“Bullshit,” she scoffed. “You’re like a tarot wizard and you’ve got spidey-senses.”“Spidey-senses?” Ronan sneered. “It's nothing. I just sometimes get this feeling right before something’s going to happen.”“Big things? Or like anything?” Noah asked. “Either. Sometimes both.” Ronan could practically hear the shrug in Adam’s voice. “What number am I thinking of right now?” Noah said, clapping his hands excitedly like a little kid. “It doesn’t really work that–”“Seven,” Blue interjected. “Woah, fuck. I thought you weren’t psychic?” She laughed. “I’m not. Seven is just the number everyone picks.”“In all seriousness,” Gansey cut in, “that’s really fascinating, Adam. I’d love to hear about it more. I’d also love to meet your family sometime Ja–Blue, if that’d be okay? I'm quite interested in anything supernatural.” “We’re not witches,” Blue said, her voice cold and her eyes narrowing. Gansey's face turned a somehow even darker shade of red. “Of course not. I didn't mean to imply that.”“Sure you didn't,” she said sarcastically. “And for the millionth time, my name is Blue. I know it must be hard for you to hear me through all that hair gel blocking your ears, but could you at least try to get with the program here?”Gansey turned so red Ronan was slightly concerned he'd faint due to every drop of his blood in his body suddenly rushing to his face.Ronan couldn't help from snorting with laughter and appreciation. “Nice one, Sargent.” He reached his hand back for a high five, which she promptly gave him. He caught Adam’s eye in the rearview mirror and saw them gleaming, a sly smile playing on his lips. Ronan’s heart did a flip. He held Adam’s eyes for longer than was probably appropriate, but Adam didn't look away. When Ronan forced himself to break their eye contact, it physically pained him to do so. This was going to be harder than he thought.
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
“In from the snow, your touch brought forth an incandescent glow, tarnished but so grand.”
-Ivy, Taylor Swift
Adam thought, all things considered, that this was going better than he'd expected. Sure, Blue was repeatedly insulting Gansey within an inch of his life. And sure, it was a little awkward sitting stuffed in a backseat with Noah and Blue so blatantly thirsting after each other (the hand on the thigh was certainly not subtle!). And yes, it was a little bit weird, these two halves of his life meeting. But there was something about it that still felt right. That these people, the five of them, all gathered together made sense. Adam knew that was a strange way to feel, but he felt it all the same. No sooner than the second he’d put the car in park was Gansey flying out of the vehicle, practically sprinting towards the treeline. Adam was surprised at the location of their little expedition. When Gansey had invited him hiking, he’d been expecting somewhere with well-maintained trails and copious amounts of daytrippers. Instead, they’d driven up towards the mountains, through a field, and parked just outside the reaches of a lush forest. It was all much more wild than Adam had been anticipating. As Gansey flung himself merrily into the woods, the rest of their party clambered out of the car. Noah extended a hand to Blue which she happily took and the two of them started making their way out towards Gansey. Adam caught Blue’s eye quickly to shoot her a look that he hoped conveyed the message of Are you good? He figured Blue must have gotten it, since she shot him back a look that quite clearly said Yes, chill the fuck out. That left him alone with Ronan. They walked in a silence that felt oddly steeped with tension. Adam didn’t know if it was simply from a lack of familiarity, or discomfort at the two of them being suddenly thrown together, or if it was nothing at all. It was tense, but it wasn’t necessarily unpleasant. He could hear the crunch of fall leaves under Ronan’s impractical combat boots and the distinct inhale and exhale of his breath. They were sounds that, for no particular reason, soothed a part of Adam’s soul. It was like the background of Nino’s–a smattering of white noise bleeding together to quiet Adam’s incessant buzzing. When they entered the forest in earnest, Adam’s breath caught in his throat. He leaned his head back to better look at the trees, incredibly tall and painted green with flecks of burnt orange and red. Adam couldn’t help but feel every single way the forest was alive, the way it was growing and breathing around him. He thought that if he could just listen closely enough, perhaps he’d hear the trees speak. It was like magic. “How did Gansey find this place?” he said, more of an exhale than the direct intention to say words. He hadn’t been speaking to anyone else but himself, so he was surprised to hear Ronan chuckle. “I’m guessing he hasn’t given you the Richard Gansey historical primer yet?”Adam turned his attention back towards Ronan, and when his eyes landed on him, his heart skipped a beat. Surrounded by the brilliant colors of late Virginia fall and the streaks of sunlight streaming through the trees, Ronan looked somehow every part one with the forest. It shouldn’t have made any sense. He should have looked out of place, with his hard edges and darkness and pitch black clothing that couldn’t have been less better designed for a trek through nature. But here, he somehow appeared all warmth and light. It looked as if the forest had dreamt him to be a part of it, or better yet, he had dreamt the forest in his own image. It was beautiful. Ronan was beautiful. Jesus fuck was Ronan beautiful. The back of Adam’s neck tingled. He tried to ignore it. He shook his head in answer to Ronan’s question, trying desperately to hide the wonder in his gaze. Ronan held his eyes for a moment before swallowing once and clearing his throat. “He has to have told you about the Glendower thing, right?” he asked. “I mean, a little.”In the week since they’d become unlikely friends, Gansey had in fact told him a bit about Owen Glendower, wizard king of Wales. Adam knew that Gansey was fascinated by all things historical, but that he had a particular soft spot for Welsh artifacts. But he didn’t know what that had to do with them trekking through a forest in the Virginia countryside. “He’s been all obsessed with this Welsh stuff since he was a kid, but he’s gotten really serious about it in the last few years. He has this cracked-up theory that when Glendower died, they brought his body to Virginia to bury it.” “Why would they have gone to the trouble of transporting a body all the way across the ocean?”“I don’t know, some shit about grave robbers and magical energy lines and things like that.” Ronan shrugged. “And he thinks he’s going to just stumble across this ancient grave walking around a random forest?” “Not quite. And this isn’t really a random forest,” Ronan said with a harsh laugh. “He’s done tons of research. This is only one of the locations he’s combed over. Some places he found jackshit, and some places he found something real. This is one of the ‘something real’ places. And it’s not like he thinks we’re going to just stumble across it, anyway.”“So if he’s already been through here a bunch of times and he knows Glendower isn’t here, why come back?” Ronan paused walking and turned to Adam, his eyes shining like clear blue water. He lifted his hands up to the sky. “Can’t you feel it?”Adam let out a deep exhale. He could feel it, even if he didn’t know what it was. “Yes,” he replied simply, his voice shockingly quiet. Ronan tilted his head up and squinted against the sun. “This place is fucking ancient. Untouched. When you’re walking through here, you’re walking right where some Welsh bastards walked six hundred years ago.”The two of them began to move forward again. “So it’s the historical part? That’s what it is?” he asked. Ronan inhaled sharply through his nose and slowly out his mouth. “That’s what it is for Gansey.”They were quiet for several moments before Adam finally said, “And what is it for you?”Ronan shrugged, but it was affected. He was trying to act as if it didn’t matter, as if this place didn’t matter to him. But it was clear that it did. “Maybe I just like nature, asshole. Did you ever consider that?” A surprised laugh burst free from Adam’s chest. He caught the way Ronan’s lips quirked up into a small smile in response. “So Gansey’s treasure hunt,” Adam began. “Are you and Noah part of that?”“Yeah.”“But it isn’t because you’re actually interested in the history stuff?”“Uh-huh.”“So why?” Adam asked, the curiosity suddenly needling his brain. Ronan paused walking again to glare at him. “What are you, the fucking question man?”Adam raised an eyebrow, refusing to be cowed by Ronan’s sharp words. “Can’t a guy just be curious?” Ronan continued staring at him for several seconds before he finally broke away. “He’s my best friend,” he answered finally, not elaborating any further, but he didn’t have to. Adam understood exactly what he meant. “I get that,” he replied. Ronan stuffed his hands into his pockets and trained his eyes on the ground as they continued walking. He looked strangely self-conscious. “You and that girl, eh?”“Me and that girl.” “And you’re not, like, secretly in love with her?”Adam laughed again. “Are you secretly in love with Gansey?”“Ha ha ha,” Ronan deadpanned. “No,” Adam said seriously, “I’m not secretly in love with her. I…At one point…But no. It’s not like that with us. She’s something different.”Adam often had a difficult time explaining his relationship with Blue to other people. Sometimes, he had a difficult time explaining it to himself. When they’d first met, the word that had immediately sprung to Adam’s mind had been soulmates. The idea that he and Blue had been put on this Earth for the express purpose of finding each other. Later, Orla had once described them as twin flames: two halves of the same soul in two different bodies. But nowadays, Adam didn’t think that was quite right. It wasn’t that he and Blue were the same soul, it was more like they were the same being. Or perhaps more specifically, they were two singular beings unlike everyone else except each other. Two of the same in a world full of others. It was complicated. It didn’t really make sense. He wasn’t sure he’d ever quite figure it out. Sometimes, Adam worried that he’d never be able to love another person as much as he loved Blue. The two of them had both dated other people since each other, but it’d never developed into anything particularly serious or long-term. He always wondered if his inability to find someone to love was because he was incapable of loving in partial increments. There’d never been love in his life until Blue, which meant that he’d learned to love from her, which meant he’d learned to love with every bit of his body. It was all or nothing with him. And until he found that person who could have all of him like Blue did–or really, could have more of him than Blue did–he wasn’t sure he could love at all. If Blue was the other half of his being, he needed to find the other half of his soul. He wasn’t going to explain all of that to Ronan though, so instead he just said, “She dragged me through a lot of shitty times in my life. Her whole family has always treated me like one of them. She’s my family.” Ronan did that smoker’s breath again and then nodded. “I get that.”Seemingly aware that enough had been said, the two of them continued walking together in silence, but it remained a perfectly pleasant type of silence, like the ones Adam had with Blue and now with Gansey. He would never have expected to enjoy silences with Ronan Lynch, but here he was. Eventually, Gansey called from a distance. “Adam! Ronan! Come look!”They found him crouched down beside a rock, stroking it fondly with a huge grin plastered to his face. “Oh, God, this again?” Ronan groaned.“This always.” “What is this?” Adam asked. “Adam Parrish! What does that look like to you?”Adam crouched down to examine the rock where Gansey was stroking it. When Gansey moved his hand, he could see something etched into the stone, something that had clearly been carved quite a long time ago. There was fading and weather damage, but the figure itself was still quite legible. “That looks like a raven carved into a rock,” he answered. “Bingo!” “And you think that was left by the people that buried Glendower?” Gansey’s face lit up even brighter than it’d been before. “Yes. Yes, I do. There are actually several carvings throughout this forest. If you’d come with me, there’s an interesting one just up ahead here.”The three of them set off through the trees, Gansey still pattering on about Wales and ancient forests and carvings in stones. Adam, who had never been particularly fond of history himself, found himself surprisingly riveted by the tale. He figured that was more of a credit to Gansey’s storytelling prowess than anything else.They hooked a sharp left to a spot where the woods got a little bit denser and were just making their way around a particularly large and thick tree when they nearly went smack into Noah and Blue, who startled apart with a wet noise. When they separated, Noah had pink lipstick all over his face and down his neck, and Blue was very aggressively attempting to tug her skirt down into place.“Oh. Oh. Oh, goodness. Oh,” Gansey was saying, his face beet red for what seemed like the five hundredth time that day. He turned back around to face the tree as if attempting to give them both a second of privacy. Ronan was laughing hysterically, Noah was looking like he’d like to vanish into thin air, Blue looked surprisingly smug, and Gansey was still mumbling. It was all very ridiculous, and all very good. Yes, Adam felt, this is right. * * * When they hopped out of the car back at Monmouth Manufacturing, Noah chirped, “I’m gonna take Blue home!” and the two of them jumped in his Mustang. This time, Adam didn’t bother shooting Blue Are you good? look. She was clearly more than good. After the two of them headed off, Adam, Gansey, and Ronan made their way inside. Ronan kicked off his boots and threw himself down on the couch. Adam carefully removed his sneakers and his jacket before lowering himself down next to him. Gansey vanished into the kitchen, but came back with three water bottles, tossing two over their way. “Thanks,” Adam said as he caught his. They all chugged their water for a few moments before Adam said, “Is it weird that I sort of feel like I need to give Noah the shovel talk?”Gansey laughed amiably. “No, I think that’s probably perfectly normal. I will say, though, that Noah is a very good person. I don’t think you have to worry about him hurting Blue. At least not purposefully.”Adam nodded and took another sip of his water. “Is he…” he started, unsure how to phrase his question. “He’s great, don’t get me wrong. It’s just, is he always so…” he trailed off again. “Bipolar?” Ronan supplied. “Ronan!” Gansey scolded. He just rolled his eyes. “You know what I meant.”Adam did in fact know what he meant. It was certainly not the correct term, but Adam hadn’t known how to verbalize it, either. Noah’s consistent switching between a happy-go-lucky guy into a nervous-looking kid had always perplexed him, and it had only become more noticeable since he’d spent the week with them. He’d wanted to ask before, nosy bastard that he is, but the opportunity had never come up.“Is he…okay?” Adam finally went with. “He is,” Gansey assured. “The mood swings are a symptom of PTSD. A trauma response.”“Trauma response?” Adam’s curiosity and concern were immediately piqued. Gansey squirmed uncomfortably. “It’s not really my story to tell. There was…an incident when he was younger. He–”“His best friend tried to fucking kill him,” Ronan cut him off. His voice was suddenly cold and harsh, the lines of his face rigid with anger. “Smashed his head in with a goddamn skateboard. Cracked it open. He almost died.” “Ronan,” Gansey said, and it came out a little bit like how a normal person would utter the word fuck. “What? It’s not like it’s a secret.”“You’re right, I suppose it’s not.” Gansey sighed. “He’s a year older, did you know? Turning nineteen soon. He had to repeat freshman year after the Incident.”The way Gansey said the Incident did not escape Adam’s notice. The Incident. Capital I. Adam also had an Incident. He wondered if perhaps now was an appropriate time to tell his newfound friends about his Incident, but when he tried, the words wouldn’t quite escape his throat. “I didn’t know that,” he said instead.“That’s what the thing on his face is,” Ronan added, swiping his hand in front of his left cheekbone. “It never fucking healed right.”“Jesus Christ,” was all he could manage.“He’s doing much better now,” Gansey said, his voice proud. “He’s been in therapy since, and it’s done wonders. But yes, he has chronic PTSD and he always will. But he’s not violent or a danger to your friend in any way. He’s just a boy who had a very terrible thing happen to him and is still figuring out how to live with it.”Adam didn’t know what to say. He wanted to reassure Gansey and Ronan that he’d certainly not meant to imply that he was worried Noah would be dangerous to Blue, but he felt that might be a bit disingenuous. Hadn’t that been a small part of his curiosity and concern? And he believed them implicitly that Noah’s trauma had not made him dangerous, but he also had first-hand experience with the after-effects of violence. He had spent much of the last year being lectured by Blue and her entire family about the symptoms of PTSD and about the things he would always carry with him because of his father. But also, he had spent much of the last year secretly terrified that the deepest, darkest parts of him were not quite so far away from Robert Parrish and his hateful fists. How often had he become enraged and wanted to hit something? Destroy something? Cause pain, to himself or to others? He understood the way being hurt could sometimes make you want to cause hurt yourself. Adam allowed himself the space to have those thoughts. That was another thing he’d been working on: not berating himself for his feelings or his concerns. He let those thoughts wash over him from where he was resting on the couch, Ronan and Gansey in their own minds next to him. And as the three of them sat there sipping their water in the living room of Monmouth Manufacturing, Adam felt a strange and overwhelming kinship with the boys who resided here. With Ronan, who grew so angry at just the thought of somebody hurting his friend. With Gansey, who spoke so proudly of Noah’s growth. And with Noah, who was just a boy who had something terrible happen to him and was still learning to live with it. Who, at the end of the day, was a boy quite like him.
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“I just sit here and wait, grieving for the living.”
-Ivy, Taylor Swift
Richard Gansey liked routines. Schedules. Plans. Familiarity. It was not that he disliked spontaneity as much as that it often left him feeling unmoored and uneasy. He liked to be at the helm of all decisions and confident in the choices that he made. He enjoyed things he could see coming and effectively prepare himself for. He had not seen Blue Sargent coming, and he had certainly not been prepared for her.Blue was a little bit like a hurricane of a person, but not in a way that suggested wildness. In fact, Gansey considered her to be quite sensible. She was sensible but fanciful, much like a platypus. Blue was a hurricane in the sense that she blew into their lives, set up shop there, and sent Gansey’s mind into complete disarray.Every once in a while throughout Gansey’s life, something would happen that completely dislodged every plan and predisposition he’d held. The first time had been when he was ten and nearly died after being stung by what had, at the time, seemed like thousands of hornets. That was the kind of experience that rewired the brain and altered priorities. Suddenly, faced with the absolute possibility of death as a ten-year-old, Gansey had been forced to reckon with the fact that his time on this Earth was not likely to be long, and if he wanted to make the most of it, he needed to really start living. Thus had begun what evolved into an eight-year-long search for the unknown. Gansey seemed to have a knack for finding hidden things, and that left him with a responsibility to look. The second thing that had altered the course of his life had been meeting Ronan and Noah. Up until that point, Gansey had merely had acquaintances–people he was capable of and willing to put up with. He did not like children, and had not liked them even as a child–he hadn’t even liked the child he himself had been. Ronan and Noah were the first people that he truly considered friends. He often wondered if it was an act of fate that the three of them should so impossibly be thrown together in the same place, in the same timeline. He knew once he’d found them that he had no intention of ever letting them go, and he figured it wouldn’t be likely that he’d find any other friends like that, at least not at Aglionby. When Adam Parrish pulled his bike up next to the Pig on that fateful morning, Gansey had that same feeling of things shifting, of a new period in his life beginning. In the same way that he’d just known when he found Noah and Ronan, he’d just known when he found Adam. He was a puzzle piece that Gansey hadn’t even realized he was missing. And along with Adam came fiery little Blue Sargent, the puzzle piece that, on the surface, appeared as if it shouldn’t fit. The strangest thing of all, then, was the way that she did fit. She made Noah blush and Ronan smirk and Adam grin like an idiot. She made Gansey feel funny things in his chest that he wasn’t yet able to identify. Gansey was certainly no psychic, but occasionally he would have these feelings as if time around him was slipping. He wondered if perhaps it was something a bit akin to Adam’s spidey-senses. He would hear someone say a phrase or see a flash of movement and suddenly he would know that he’d lived this moment a thousand times before and would somehow live it again in the future. Part of what made these last few weeks with Blue Sargent uncomfortable was that she caused that feeling to happen again and again and again. Gansey would brush up against her back as they walked and feel for a moment as if he’d touched every inch of her skin. He’d see her kiss Adam on the cheek and feel that she might’ve pressed her lips to his once before. She’d be sitting on Noah’s lap and he’d feel that there was a wrongness in that. That maybe she should be sitting on his lap instead. It was infuriating. He thought he was surely losing his mind. It wasn’t that he was attracted to her, was it? Well, it must’ve been that a little, since there was no point in denying that Gansey found her quite beautiful and her personality quite alluring. He wasn’t jealous of Noah, was he? Perhaps a bit, but that was normal, wasn’t it? It was normal to wonder how things would have gone had he not made a complete ass of himself when he and Blue first met. It was normal to be slightly jealous of your friend’s newfound relationship with a girl that Gansey would’ve possibly preferred be in a relationship with him instead. Oh God, this was bad. Gansey was mulling over this distressing train of thought from the floor of Monmouth Manufacturing at nearly one in the morning while he worked on his miniature model of Henrietta. He’d been building it since he moved there, and in those three years, it’d grown quite expansive and detailed. He was more proud of it than he liked to admit. He hoped that by paying attention to his little cardboard village, he wouldn’t be distracted by the fact that it was the middle of the night and Blue was in Noah’s bedroom. If he focused on the music playing quietly from his speakers and the details on the wall he was constructing, he wouldn’t be able to focus on the fact that if he strained his ears, he might be able to hear the noises the two of them were most likely making. He wouldn’t be able to focus on the maddening image of their lips locked together and their limbs intertwined. He wouldn’t be able to imagine what it would be like if his own lips were pressed to Blue’s skin, or the way she’d taste and smell and feel beneath him. The way she’d moan his name and wrap her legs around him while he—He really needed to get himself under control. He was trying very hard not to think about any of these things when the very object of his insanity appeared before him. Blue slipped out of Noah’s bedroom, shutting the door quietly behind her. She was wearing a pair of boxers that were presumably Noah’s and an Aglionby Swim Team t-shirt that definitely was. Gansey attempted to ignore the sour feeling in his gut at the sight of her in Noah’s clothing. He also attempted to not stare at the bare skin of her legs or the way her hair was mussed. He did not do a good job on either count. She spun around and seemed surprised to see him. She even yelped a bit and held her hand to her chest like one of those girls in those bad horror movies Ronan and Noah always made him watch. “Oh, you scared me,” she gasped. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to be…alarming.” Smooth, Gansey.“Why are you up?” she asked, but she didn’t ask it with an irritated tone. It was surprising since that was usually the only tone with which she addressed him. Instead, she just sounded curious.“I’m not a very good sleeper. And I could ask you the same question.” He wasn’t sure why he said that. He was not at all interested in hearing about the reasons she was still up. He thought they probably were the same reasons she was wearing Noah’s underwear. “Also, shouldn’t you be home? Won’t your family be worried?” “I told them I was staying at Adam’s,” she replied with a dismissive wave of the hand. “And they don’t mind if you sleep over there?” “No. He lived with us for a while last year. They trust us together.”“Ah,” Gansey said lamely. She walked into the kitchen and retrieved a bottle of water from the fridge before returning to the living room and perching herself on the edge of Gansey’s desk. “I still cannot believe you people have a fridge next to your toilet.”“This is a wonderful home, and I will not be made to feel bad for its somewhat alternative layout.”Blue laughed, a slight little giggle that seemed to bubble from her chest and out her lips. Gansey very much liked the sound of that laugh. They stayed in silence for a few minutes, and Gansey had the distinct feeling that she was watching and scrutinizing him. Finally, she said, “What are you doing?” Once again, her tone was full of curiosity instead of annoyance. “It’s a model of Henrietta,” he explained. She tilted her head to the side. “Why would you build a model of Henrietta?”Gansey considered her question. It was one he’d never been asked before. But that was possibly because the only people to ever see it before her were Ronan, Noah, and Adam. Possibly had more people seen it, he would have received the question more and would have thought up an appropriate explanation. Instead, he felt completely unequipped to answer her. Why build a model of Henrietta? Because it was something to keep him occupied when his hands and mind were restless. Because it meant when they couldn’t sleep, he, Ronan, and Noah could sit on the floor together and all work in companionable silence. Because Henrietta meant more to him than he thought anyone else quite understood. Because he needed to be able to hold the town in his hands. Because he wasn’t sure who he’d be without it. “Because it’s the only place that’s ever felt like home,” was what he said. “I’m not sure if you’d feel that way if you’d been born here,” she replied after a beat. “I would.”“You feel that strongly about it?”“I do.”Blue chewed on her lip while she considered that fact. Her eyes looked far away and deep in thought. “You were born here. Does it not feel like home to you?” he asked. “Of course it does,” she said quickly. “This will always be my home.”“But you don’t plan on staying.” He didn’t frame it as a question.She took a deep breath in and out. “No. But not in the same way as Adam. The second he graduates, he’ll be gone, and if he gets his way, he’ll never come back. It’s different for me.” She sat down more firmly on the desk and pulled her knees into her chest. “I don’t want to be stuck here. I want to travel. See the world. But I always want to come back.”“That sounds…very sensible.”“You think traveling the world sounds sensible?” she asked with disbelief. “I think it sounds like a sensible plan for you. Not for everyone,” he clarified. “I think there is an entire world full of places and people to see, and if anybody has it in them to see all of it, it’s you. And I think when you do come home, it’ll always be here waiting for you.”Blue seemed to release a breath that neither of them had realized she was holding. She rested her chin on her folded arms. She looked soft in the low lamp light, and very much like a piece of furniture here in Monmouth Manufacturing. Like she fit in this place in the same way the bed or the desk or the floor did. Like she fit in the same way that Gansey did. They both stayed quiet for several moments longer before Gansey said, “I do hope before you leave, you say goodbye to Noah. It would be a shame to leave him in the lurch.”Blue’s mouth formed into a bit of a sideways, crooked smile. “Was that your version of telling me not to hurt him or something?”Gansey’s skin flushed. “Yes, it was. I would very much like it if you didn’t hurt him. He’s been through a lot, and his happiness is very important to me.” “He’s told me about the incident, you know?” she said. “I know about his friend trying to kill him. His face. All of that.”“Good. It’s good that he told you.”“I just mean to say that I get it. I know he’s had a hard time. And I would never do anything to hurt him,” she said, and her voice was firm and full of meaning. Gansey believed her implicitly. “Besides, it’s not really like that with the two of us,” she added. “Like what?”“Like that.” Oh.“Um,” he started. “Since you’re currently wearing his boxers, I have somewhat of a hard time believing that.”“No, I mean, yes, it is like that .” Her cheeks flushed slightly pink. “But we’re not together.”Gansey was confused.“Once again, I feel the need to point out that you’re wearing his clothing, it’s the middle of the night, and you’re clearly sleeping here. So I’m not sure I understand,” he said.“Noah is…” she trailed off. “Noah is the best. He’s a great friend and we like each other. And obviously we like each other…physically. But we’re not dating, and we’re not planning on it. It’s just not like that with each other.”“I’m still not sure I understand.”“It’s like me and Adam,” she explained, extending her legs off the desk and swinging them. “We love each other. We love each other a whole lot. But we’re not in love, and it’s never going to happen. It’s like that with me and Noah, but with the extra physical part. We’re attracted to each other and we like to hang out and we’re having tons of fun. But we’re never going to be in love.”Gansey still wasn’t sure that he fully understood what she was saying, but he thought he was getting closer to the point. “So you’re like…friends with benefits?” His mouth felt weird around that phrase. Friends with benefits. It seemed more like the kind of thing someone would say in a horrible rom-com. Not something he’d be saying in real life. She laughed again. “God, that sounds weird coming from you. But yes, I guess that’s sort of it.”“Oh. Okay.” Gansey tried desperately to squash down the small part of his brain cheering about her and Noah not being in love with each other. He tried to ignore the part of him that became electric at the knowledge that, possibly, having these feelings about Blue wasn’t forbidden because, in fact, she was not Noah’s girlfriend. “He’s great. We’re always going to be friends. But he’s not it,” she added. “It?”She hopped off the desk in one graceful motion. Her dark eyes seemed to be staring into his soul. He wanted to cross the room and pull her to him. He wanted to sear the feel of her skin into his memory. He wanted to hear her say his name. He wanted so much it nearly paralyzed him.“The person that I’ll take with me when I travel the world,” she said quietly. And with that, she turned around and slid back into Noah’s bedroom, leaving Gansey with nothing but his softly playing music and his miniature town. And his frantic, pounding pulse.
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“Your opal eyes are all I wish to see.”
-Ivy, Taylor Swift
Just as Gansey and Blue were beginning their late-night conversation, Ronan Lynch was pulling his BMW into the parking lot of St. Agnes Catholic Church. He couldn’t sleep. Insomnia was a frequent visitor to Ronan. It had always been an issue, but it became much worse after his father’s death. What had once been a mere annoyance became a plague, and Ronan struggled to grasp more than a few hours of sleep at a time. He operated consistently on the line of sheer exhaustion, and more often than not it pushed into that fuzzy realm of sleep deprivation that left the sufferer buzzing and nearly manic. Those were the times when Ronan turned to racing and drinking and for a very short period of time, self-harm. Once Gansey caught onto that, he’d been so distraught that Ronan–who loved Gansey significantly more than he’d ever love himself–found himself immediately promising to never do it again. It was a promise he’d managed to keep. It wasn’t even that late. Ronan often found himself up until the sun had risen in the sky and all the regular people had begun to go about their morning. It was still early enough that on a typical night, Ronan would usually kill a bit more time with Gansey and Noah, who were also chronic night owls. The three of them would watch some stupid movie picked out by Noah, or play cards, or even just sit in silence in the living room and work on Gansey’s model of Henrietta. But tonight, Noah had Blue in his bedroom, and Gansey was wallowing and pretending not to care about that fact. Ronan was not particularly interested in sticking around to witness either of those things. When he’d gotten in his car, he figured he’d drive around for a while, maybe go to the Barns and fuck around there for a bit. But as if his brain had been working on autopilot, the next thing he knew he was parking his car in the church parking lot and climbing the stairs to Adam’s apartment. Often, it felt like Adam was the sun and Ronan was just a planet caught up in his orbit. Ronan wouldn't even notice his feet moving until he was suddenly right next to him. He wouldn't even realize his eyes were wandering until they landed on Adam's face. They’d be sitting in class, and even then Ronan would feel a pull in his stomach, trying to yank him to where Adam sat only two seats away. It was deafening, maddening, all-consuming. These last few weeks since Adam became an unlikely new member of their group had been fairly torturous for Ronan. To be so consistently in the presence of the object of his deepest desires without being able to do anything about it was nearly excruciating, and it only got worse and worse with every passing day. At first, Ronan had been able to convince himself that his feelings were purely physical, that he didn’t know Adam and therefore couldn’t want him in any way beyond a potent physical attraction. The issue, then, was that the longer he spent with Adam, the more he came to actually like him. Yes, Adam was beautiful, but he was also funny and resilient and kind. He possessed a wry type of humor that often left Ronan inadvertently smiling, and he never backed down from Ronan’s piercing glare or harsh words. Ronan could tell he had secrets he was keeping from them, and he desperately wanted to know them, to peel back the layers of Adam Parrish until he reached the truest core beneath. He wanted to know every inch of his body and every inch of his mind. And so, like a magnet, he was drawn to Adam that night. He was hungry for his presence, a voracious want that threatened to swallow him whole and could only be satiated by the sound of Adam’s voice and the sight of his face. He rapped his knuckles on the door and quickly heard a soft clatter–the sound of someone rolling out of the bed or knocking something over. There were a few seconds more before the door was yanked open. Adam was wearing an old, worn Coca-Cola t-shirt with just a pair of boxers on the bottom. His hair was mussed from sleep and his eyes were half-lidded and dark. His lips were slightly parted. He looked gorgeous as ever, even though he’d just woken up. In fact, he was possibly even more beautiful–soft and unguarded in a way he so usually wasn’t. “Ronan, what the fuck are you doing here? It’s the middle of the night," Adam asked drearily. I want you, I need you, I want you, I need you. “Let’s go for a drive,” he replied. Adam just stared at him for several seconds before he sighed. “Fuck it, okay.”Ronan was surprised. He’d expected Adam to put up more of a fight. Then he slammed the door in Ronan’s face. Ronan was so shocked that he just stood there for nearly thirty seconds staring at the worn wood of the door. Hadn’t he just agreed to go with him? Had he missed something? Had Adam seen something in his expression that caused him to change his mind?Finally, he pulled himself together enough to get his feet moving back towards the staircase. He’d only made it to the second stair when he heard the door open again and he spun back around. Adam was back in the doorway. He looked surprised.“Where are you going?” he asked. “You slammed the door,” Ronan said, a bit of agitation creeping into his tone. “I thought you weren’t coming.”“I said I was coming, didn’t I? I was putting on pants,” Adam huffed. He looked annoyed. Ronan felt a little annoyed himself. He wasn’t quite sure what either of them were annoyed about. Adam–now wearing pants–shut the door behind him and met Ronan on the staircase. They descended and slipped into the car in silence. As he buckled his seatbelt, Adam finally asked, “Where are we going?”“I don’t know.”He expected Adam to balk at that fact. Adam was the kind of person who rarely did things spontaneously. It seemed most of his life was planned down to the minute and that exceptions were rarely ever made. It was unprecedented enough that he would accept Ronan’s offer of a late-night drive, but it was even more so that he wouldn’t mind the mindless, unformed nature of the request. Instead of snapping back like he expected, Adam just nodded knowingly and pulled one knee into his chest, turning almost completely onto his side and leaning his temple on the seat so he was turned to face Ronan. It was a strange way of sitting, particularly for a guy as tall as Adam. It also made Ronan feel profoundly watched, which was not an experience he particularly enjoyed. When it came to Adam, he usually preferred to be the one doing the watching.He managed to ignore him and drive for a few minutes before his restlessness got the better of him. “Why the fuck are you looking at me like that?”“Like what?” Adam asked. “I don’t know. Like that. Why don’t you just face forward like a normal person?”He took his eyes off the road just long enough to steal a look at Adam, and he caught the way his cheeks flushed. He drew back into himself but still didn’t turn away. “If I sit like a normal person, it’ll be hard for me to hear you talk,” he said, his voice quiet.
Huh?
It was such an odd explanation that Ronan couldn’t even manage a response. Finally, after nearly a minute of awkward silence, Adam put him out of his misery:“I’m deaf in my left ear,” he explained. “If I sit facing forward, my hearing ear is turned away from you. Which means if you talk, it’ll be hard for me to pick it up. I have to sit like this if I want to be able to hear you.”Suddenly, Ronan felt the awful sensation of shame pooling in his stomach. He’d done it again–been an absolute asshole for no fucking reason. Sometimes, he hated the person that he was. “I…” He tried to think of an adequate response before settling on, “I didn’t know thatAdam did a sort of half-shrug. “No one knows. Just Blue.”There was a strange and quiet intimacy in that admission. In the fact that Adam had just shared something with him that the others didn’t know. It conveyed a level of trust that Ronan hadn’t been expecting. A level of trust that he, frankly, wasn’t sure what to do with. Maybe it was because of Adam’s honesty, or maybe because it was late, or maybe just because Ronan was an idiot, but the next thing he said was, “My dad got murdered. I’m the one who found his body. Did you know that?”Adam took a sharp inhale. “No. I didn’t know that.”“We’re just learning all kinds of new shit about each other tonight, eh?” Adam laughed and Ronan looked over in time to see him smile. It was a true smile, so unlike his usual practiced one that Ronan saw at school. It lit up his whole face and left him looking both animated and soft. It was a smile that he’d before only ever seen aimed at Blue. Having received it himself made his heart flutter in his chest.Neither of them asked for more explanation on either of their admissions. After several minutes, Adam instead asked, “Why’d you come over tonight?”Ronan thought it might have been easier had Adam just asked him about his dead father. “I told you, I couldn’t sleep. And I share a wall with Noah. The last thing I wanted was to sit there and listen to him and Blue fucking in the other room. Ergo me being here instead.”Adam wrinkled his nose and made an unpleasant sound. “Please, for the love of God, don’t ever use the words ‘fuck’ and ‘Blue’ in the same sentence around me. Not if you don’t want me to hurl in your car.” “What if I wanted to say, ‘Fuck, that’s the cutest bluebird I’ve ever seen in my life’?”Adam froze for a second but then broke out into a furious fit of laughter. It was a wonderful sound. “I think that’s the stupidest thing I've ever heard. But yes, if that particular situation ever arose, I could make an exception.”They both laughed then, the sounds mingling together in the small interior of the car. The night was like a symphony: their laughter, the roar of the engine, the soft music playing from the speakers. “So is the midnight driving kind of a thing for you?” Adam asked. “Yeah, I guess you could say that,” Ronan exhaled. Another pause. “Why’d you want me to come?”And there was the question Ronan so desperately did not want to answer. There was no logical explanation. Because Ronan wanted to see him. Because despite his lone-wolf attitude, Ronan actually hated being alone on nights like this. Because the sound of Adam's laugh and the sight of his smile made Ronan feel both electrified and soothed. Because he knew he wouldn't be able to sleep until he saw Adam's face.
Because I want to be with you. Now and always.
“Maybe I like your company, Parrish.” Adam smiled again, that true, elastic smile. Ronan would start wars and burn cities for that smile. “Thanks, Lynch. I like your company, too.”
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
“Dare to sit and watch what we’ll become.”
-Ivy, Taylor Swift
Sometimes, Noah thought he was better with the inside of people than the outside. That sounded kind of gross, actually. What he meant was that he paid more attention to the things on the inside–to the way people thought and felt–than to the way they looked. Sometimes, it was almost like he could feel it. He’d be standing with someone and feel their own emotions radiating off them until he felt them himself just as potently. Anger, happiness, desire, loneliness, love. All the cocktails of tortured feelings that mixed around in the teenage subconscious. An empath, Blue had called him. He didn’t know if he agreed with the name, but he agreed with the sentiment. Whether it was a gift or a curse was yet to be determined, but it was a thing for sure. It was maybe because of that uncanny ability that he was able to see what was happening with his friends even before they did. It was also possible he didn't need that skill to see it at all. Noah was a perceptive little bastard if nothing else. It started out subtle. Ronan’s eyes lingering on Adam’s fingers while he took notes in Latin. The hard line of Adam’s mouth as he tried to suppress an amused smile at whatever bullshit thing Ronan had said. Ronan inching closer and closer to Adam without him even realizing. Adam’s foot resting against Ronan’s underneath the table at Nino’s. Them holding each other’s eyes longer and longer and longer each time they looked. It became more and more obvious as time passed. They each got sloppier with their stolen glances and excuses to touch. At this point, Noah thought it was miraculous that they hadn’t stopped dancing around each other and gotten to the point yet. He was starting to worry they’d explode from anticipation.When he was around them, he could so clearly feel Ronan’s arousal and Adam’s curiosity. He had felt the way the attraction between them sizzled from the beginning, heating up until it was a raging, insatiable fire. It had built and built over time, and now he could barely be in the same room with the two of them without getting caught in the flames.Blue and Gansey, on the other hand, had never been particularly subtle. But then again, they had never really been anything at all. It wasn’t that they started treating or touching or looking at each other differently. What was happening to them was only happening on the inside.What was between them had been nothing one moment, and then the next, it was so much it was suffocating. The two of them had been strangers, adversaries, wary companions. And in one striking moment of clarity, a wave of feeling had crashed between the two of them, choking even Noah with its startling intensity. He didn’t know why it was or what it meant or where it had come from. He just knew that something between them was beginning, and he wasn’t sure either of them even realized.Some alternate-reality version of Noah might have been upset by the fact that the girl he was currently sleeping with was suddenly emotionally entangled with his best friend, but this Noah merely found it curious. He and Blue had become exceptionally close in the time since they met (emotionally, although they’d certainly become physically close as well), but they weren’t together romantically in any way that mattered. He was completely fine with that fact, so instead of being jealous, he was just painfully interested in the whole situation. Blue and Gansey made no sense. They were counterintuitive, two ends of the spectrum, chemicals you should not mix. It was enough of a miracle that they could manage to be in the same room together. It was unthinkable that they could want to be anything more. Yet they did. Noah could feel it, even if he couldn’t see it. His self-control only extended so far, so he knew he wasn’t going to be able to stop himself from asking about it. In fact, he was impressed he’d made it as long as he did, so he wasn’t too upset with himself when he finally blurted out, “What’s going on with you and Gansey?” while he was alone with Blue. “Noah, are you seriously asking me that while I have your dick in my mouth?” she replied (after removing his dick from her mouth), staring up at him incredulously from between his legs. He sat up on his elbows so he could see her better. “No?” he said lamely. “Ugh,” she groaned, rolling her eyes and crawling back up his body. He pulled himself up so he was leaning against the headboard and let her settle down in his lap. “Do we have to talk about this?”“I guess if you’d prefer it, you could just go back to sucking my dick,” he joked. She swatted him on the chest. “Why were you even thinking about Gansey during that? Should I be concerned?” “I don’t know. It just kind of popped into my head and then came out my mouth before I could stop it.” He shrugged. “I don’t even know what you’re talking about.” Noah shot her a look. The look was all it took to break her. She was kind of easy that way sometimes. He thought she was probably much more difficult around people that weren’t him. Or him and Adam, at least. “I hate your stupid lil empathetic ass, Czerny,” she grumbled. He could tell she was trying to sound mean, but since her hair was all messed up and she was wearing only a bra, she wasn't seeming particularly intimidating at the moment. He brought his hands up to rest on her hips and rubbed his thumbs into the divots of her hip bones, hoping the act would soothe her. Blue was the type of person who always seemed more comfortable when someone that she cared about was touching her. “If you don’t want to talk about it, we won't,” he said gently. “I don’t mean to make you uncomfortable. I could just tell something was up and I want to understand it, that’s all.”“Nothing’s up, really. At least I don’t think it is.” She bit her lip and swiped a stray piece of hair out of her face, looking a little bit nervous and also a little bit agitated. “Why? What did you think was up?”“I don’t know. Just…something, ya know? It was like one second you guys couldn’t stand each other and then the next I’m being bombarded by this funky, emotional complexity everytime I'm with you.”“He’s…” she started. “He’s not what I expected.”“And what did you expect?” “That he'd be horrible, of course,” she said with a wry smile. “And sometimes he is. But sometimes he isn't. And when he isn't, it’s…” Her wry smile turned soft. It was the kind of smile that came out without you even realizing you were doing it. The kind that came from somewhere deeper. “It's different.”“You know what I think?” he asked after a pause. “What?”“I think you should tell him.”Her eyes opened as wide as dinner plates. “God, no. I can't do that.”“Why not?” “Because it'll make everything weird and awkward!”“Why would it make things weird and awkward? The two of us have been hooking up for weeks and it hasn’t been weird or awkward, has it?”She shook her head. “It's different.”“How?”“Because I don't know if he even feels that way about me!” Noah smiled his own soft, little smile. “Blue, I can say with one hundred percent certainty that he does.”Her mouth opened a bit in surprise before she cocked her head to the side and narrowed her eyes. “How do I know you're not messing with me?”With a light laugh Noah brought one hand up to brush his thumb over her cheekbone. “You know I wouldn’t do that.”She paused again, furrowing her brow in thought. Finally, she said, “Fine. I'll think about it. Can we please go back to fucking now?”Noah laughed again and dug his fingers into her hips tighter, just the way she liked it. “Don't have to ask me twice.” * * * It was a few days later when Blue crept out of Noah’s room in the middle of the night to find Gansey still awake. Just like last time, he was sitting cross-legged on the floor, his hands busy working on his model of Henrietta. There was quiet music playing from a speaker–something a little bit folksy and a little bit sad. She was surprised; she would have pegged him for a classical music guy. He was wearing a pair of faded plaid pajama pants and a plain white t-shirt, his hair messier than usual and a pair of wire-framed glasses sliding down his nose. He was Nighttime Gansey, who was someone very different from Daytime Gansey. Blue liked Daytime Gansey more than she’d like to admit, but it was Nighttime Gansey who made her stomach flip and her heart stutter. He looked up when he heard the door click shut. There was a complicated look on his face that Blue didn’t yet feel capable of decoding. It was somehow hopeful and defeated all at once. It was a very human expression on a boy who often did not seem very human at all. “Can’t sleep?” she asked. “Never,” he replied with a shake of his head. Blue crossed the room and sat down next to him, leaning back against the bed frame and pulling her legs into her chest. She wrapped her arms around them and rested her cheek on her knee. Her head was turned so she could see him, and she noticed when his eyes flitted to hers before jumping away. He didn’t ask why she was still up. She was glad, because if he did, she would have to tell him that she hadn’t been able to sleep knowing he was out here. That he felt both too close and too far. They didn’t speak for a long time. That was okay; Blue didn’t mind the silence. But she wanted to hear his voice. She didn’t know why, but she did. “Tell me something,” she said. He froze, his hands stilling on the house he was gluing together. “Like what?”“Anything.”He took a deep breath and went back to his gluing. “What do you know about the blue-winged teal?”“It’s a duck?” she guessed. “Bingo. Did you know that they become flightless for a month during the summer when they molt all of their flight feathers at once?”“Isn’t that all ducks?” He paused again and cocked his head to the side. “Is it?”“Don’t ask me,” she said. “You’re the duck expert here.”“How about this: did you know that the blue-winged teal has to eat one hundred grams of protein to replace the sixty grams of body and tail feathers shed at this time?”Blue couldn’t help laughing. “I didn’t.” “That’s about thirty-one thousand invertebrates they have to eat.”“That seems like quite a lot.” “Yes it does.” Blue laughed again and this time Gansey laughed with her. When they finished, the silence hung heavy around them. “Now tell me something real,” she said. “Something about you.” Still with his eyes trained down on his miniature house, he said, “Did you know that I almost died once? When I was ten.” “Like Noah?” “Sort of, but not really,” he replied. “I’m allergic to bees, wasps, hornets–really anything that stings. I was at this party with my family and us kids were playing hide and seek. I went out to hide in the yard and I stepped on a hornets' nest. Enough stung me that the doctors said it was a miracle that I didn’t die.”Blue noted the steadiness of his voice while he told the story. It was a stark contrast to when Noah talked about his near-death experience; just speaking the words usually left him shaking and uneasy. Gansey, on the other hand, spoke as if he was completely unaffected.“That sounds terrifying,” was all she could manage in response. “Oh, it was,” he said with a wry laugh. “I spent about three years practically terrified to go outside. But life goes on.”Gansey’s words were cavalier. He was pretending that it didn’t matter, at least not anymore. But Blue had a feeling deep in her gut that it still mattered to him. That, in fact, it mattered very much. It made her heart hurt. She hurt for the ten-year-old boy who’d nearly been stung to death, and she hurt for the eighteen-year-old boy who thought he always had to act like he was okay, even when he wasn’t.“Your turn,” Gansey said, cutting through her mental rambling. “Tell me something real. Something about you.”Blue didn’t have a comparable story to offer, so she went with a piece of truth instead. One that had been sitting at the front of her mind since her conversation with Noah.“When we first met, I thought you were awful.” He grimaced a bit. “I was a bit awful, I think.” “You definitely were,” she said with a little giggle. Gansey laughed too. “And what about now?”“Sometimes,” she said truthfully, “you’re still a little bit awful.”He cleared his throat before saying, “And what about when I’m not being awful? What do you think then?”Blue bit down hard on her lip. She didn’t know how to put into words what he was like then. Gansey was not the kind of person that was easy to summarize and Blue’s feelings about him were similarly complicated. It was incredible, really. She’d hated him, she really had, and then suddenly she just…didn’t. The way she felt about him was like an ocean–deep and huge and messy. And powerful. Oh God, was it powerful. “I think…” she started and then trailed off again.
I think you’re fascinating. I think you’re wonderful. I think you’re everything I never knew that I wanted.
He put down his building and turned to look at her. His eyes looked darker than usual and there was an intensity in them that made Blue shudder. His gaze fluttered down to her lips before he met her eyes again, and before she knew it, Blue had moved closer to him. Suddenly, their knees were touching and her skin sparked where they met. “Blue,” he whispered. It sounded like a warning, but still he brought his hands up to cup her face, drawing her closer. Their noses touched. She could feel his breath on her cheek. He smelled like mint and leather, like he always did. “Gansey,” she whispered back.“Blue,” he said again, and this time it sounded like a prayer. Blue closed the distance between them in a split-second, pressing their lips together in a moment so grand in its simplicity. One moment, nothing. The next, everything. It was Blue gasping into Gansey’s mouth; his hand sliding around to tangle in her short hair; his tongue running over the roof of her mouth; her hands resting on his chest. It was a kiss, but it was also so much more, and as Blue pulled herself onto his lap in a movement so graceful it was as if they’d done it a thousand times before, she felt in her chest that there was nowhere in the world she was better suited to be than on Gansey’s lap. They broke away after a few minutes, both breathing heavily, their noses still rubbing together and their chests still touching. “I don’t think I’d like to be friends with benefits with you,” he said abruptly.Blue pulled away so she could look at him better, her eyebrows furrowing together. “What?”“I know that’s the agreement you have with Noah, but I don’t think I’d like to do that.” “Umm, okay,” Blue said, a little bit disbelievingly. “And what is it you’d like to do?”“This,” he said, pressing another soft kiss to her lips while he ground up against her gently, the sensation powerful enough it made her breath catch. “But with all those feelings you and Noah removed from the equation. Only if you’d want to, of course.”“Gansey, are you—are you asking me out?” His cheeks turned a pleasant shade of pink. “I suppose that is what I’m doing.”“Ask me then,” Blue said defiantly. She wanted him to say the words. She wanted to hear them. Everything about this night was making her feel bold.“Blue,” he started, placing his hands on her hips in a way that was more territorial than he had before, “would you like to go out with me?”A smile started spreading across her face before she could control it, but she didn’t want to anyway. She leaned down and kissed him deeply before breaking away to whisper, “Yes, Gansey, I’d like to go out with you.”He captured her lips again and this time there was something desperate in the action. His fingers were wandering up her back and his lips were trailing down her neck and she was moaning even though practically nothing had happened at all. He’d just slipped a hand under the back of her shirt when they both startled at the sound of a door opening. Noah was standing in the doorway, a shit-eating grin plastered to his face. “Well, Blue, I guess you’ll be sleeping out here tonight,” he said pleasantly.
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
“I can’t stop you putting roots in my dreamland.”
-Ivy, Taylor Swift
Adam was looking at the ugliest car he'd ever seen in his life. It was rusty and dirty and three different colors because it was, in fact, the various parts of three different cars all welded together–like the car version of Frankenstein’s monster. It had to be at least twenty years old and had clearly at no point in its lifetime been appropriately serviced or taken care of. It didn’t seem likely to make it more than a week without breaking down, if it even ran at all. It was, quite literally, the worst car Adam had ever seen. “They dropped it off this morning,” Boyd was saying. “They were gonna junk it but said they'd leave it here in case there were any salvageable parts. It didn't seem worth the hassle so I was just going to drive it to the dump, but I knew you didn't have a ride, so I figured I'd offer it up first. It's yours if you want it.”Adam had a feeling his bike was a faster, more reliable form of transportation than this car. He had a feeling Boyd was probably just offering to avoid the hassle of taking it to the junkyard himself. He had a feeling that this car was going to be much more trouble than it was worth. “I'll take it.” * * * The drive to Monmouth did not go well. He was supposed to meet Gansey there after work to study for a calc test, and although it was only a five-minute drive, it took him nearly twenty. The car was a stick shift and although Adam had technically never learned to drive one, he had worked on enough cars that he figured it'd be easy to figure out. It was not easy to figure out. He stalled multiple times, practically drove off the road, and at one point nearly caused a ten-car pileup. By the time he pulled into the parking lot, Adam was thanking his lucky stars he was still alive. Ronan and Noah were in the parking lot as well, seemingly taking turns hurling dishware into the side of the building, but they both looked up when Adam pulled in. “Oh holy hell,” he heard Noah say through the open window. When he parked and climbed out, they were both staring at him with disbelief. “Parrish, what the hell is that?” Ronan asked. “It's a car.”“Are you sure about that?” Suddenly, Adam felt strangely defensive of his ugly new vehicle. “Yes, I’m sure, Lynch.”“And it, like, runs?” Noah asked. “Obviously it runs. Some people dropped it off at Boyd’s this morning for spare parts but he told me I could have it.” Adam felt his cheeks flush. It was impossible to ignore the profound feeling of shame that washed over him at admitting that fact. He was standing in a parking lot that currently housed a Camaro, a BMW, and a Mustang. And here he was with his secondhand (possibly more like third or fourthhand) shitty car. “So it’s trash. You’re driving trash,” Ronan said with a harsh laugh.As it so often did, Adam’s shame morphed quickly into anger, and his eyes narrowed into slits. “Fuck you, Lynch. Fuck. You.” “Hey, hey, hey, Adam–” Noah was saying, but Adam ignored him and jumped back into his car, slamming the door shut behind him. If he hadn’t gotten stuck wrestling with the parking brake, he would have been pulling out of the lot a second later. But the delay it took for him to get the car in drive gave Ronan just enough time to stick his head through the window. “Come on, Parrish, I was just–”“Get your head out of my car, Lynch.”“Seriously, man, can you–”“Do you want me to drive off and take it with me?”Ronan looked at Adam. Adam looked at Ronan. Ronan removed his head from the car. “Okay?” He raised his hands in mock surrender. His eyes looked softer than usual, possibly even a little bit remorseful for hurting Adam’s feelings, but that might have just been wishful thinking.“Fine,” he huffed. He put the car back into park and then wrestled with the brake again before climbing out. “What’s up with the parking brake?” Ronan asked. “I don’t know. It probably needs to be fixed. That’s kind of the least of my worries right now.”Ronan raised an eyebrow. “And what exactly is the worst of your worries, then, Parrish?”“Probably the fact that the car’s a stick and I don’t know how to drive one,” he muttered. Ronan’s second eyebrow rose up to meet the first and his lips parted in surprise. “You work in a garage. How the fuck do you not know how to drive a stick?”Adam ran a hand through his hair. It felt gritty from the garage. He himself felt a bit gritty at the moment. “I don’t know, I just never learned! And I thought it’d be, like, easier to figure out.” Ronan stared at him for several seconds before saying, “Let’s go then.”“Wh–What?” Adam stuttered. “You gotta learn. I’m basically an expert. Time for your first lesson.” Ronan’s mouth was rearranging itself into the kind of grin that made Adam both slightly turned on and also a whole lot nervous. “I’m supposed to study with Gansey,” he protested.“He’ll forgive you.” “But we have a calc test in–”“Do you want to crash your car and die, dude? ‘Cause that could be arranged.” Adam made a strangled sound of frustration. He wasn’t even entirely sure why he was frustrated, other than that this day was not going the way in which he’d anticipated it. It was all starting to feel a little overwhelming and unpleasant, and he wasn’t sure if resigning himself to an extended period of time in a car with Ronan Lynch would make that better or worse. Most likely worse. “Fine. Fine,” he said, pulling open his car door. “Nuh uh uh,” Ronan said, putting his hand on the door to stop it from opening further. “Not a chance, man. I’m not getting in that shitbox.”“Then how the hell do you expect me to learn?”Ronan grinned again, and then he took a few steps backward, pulled his keys out of his pocket, and shook them tantalizingly. He tossed the keys through the air and Adam caught them gracefully. Adam’s heart stuttered at the prospect of driving Ronan’s infamous BMW. He knew from whispers at school that it (along with Ronan) was a street racing legend, and he’d seen firsthand the kind of punch it packed. It seemed like driving that car had much higher stakes and much higher consequences should he fuck up. It was a scary and thrilling concept, much like Ronan himself. “Alright, let’s go,” Adam agreed. * * * All in all, the driving lesson went better than Adam would have thought. It turned out that when you had somebody there to teach you, learning to drive a stick wasn’t nearly as daunting as it’d been when he was by himself. Ronan was a surprisingly patient teacher and the BMW had an easy clutch. As he picked up speed, Ronan leaned his head out the window and hooted until Adam couldn’t help but join him in his cheers. Eventually, though, Adam stalled the car. He knew it was going to happen at some point, but he was unprepared for the vague feeling of shame that he felt when it did. He stared down at his lap pensively as Ronan began to swear. It was a long, complicated swear involving every dirty word possible, often in compound form. Adam couldn’t help but feel that there was something musical and clever about the way Ronan swore; the way he strung the words together with precision and fluidity. He found that he enjoyed listening to the melodic sound, to the way Ronan’s voice rasped and caught on the edges of the words. He enjoyed the way the sound filled the car. He enjoyed the way it made his abdomen tighten and his–Oh God, he wasn’t seriously getting turned on by Ronan cursing, was he?“For the love of…Parrish, take some care, this is not your mother’s 1971 Honda Civic.”Adam was so intensely startled out of his current train of thought that all he managed to choke out in response was, “They didn’t start making the Civic until ‘73.”Ronan stared at him with profound disbelief for several seconds before scrunching his eyes closed and pinching the bridge of his nose. “Mary, give me patience.” * * * When they finished with their driving lesson, Ronan and Adam headed to Nino’s to meet Gansey and Noah. A part of Adam wanted to protest, but a bigger part of him was hungry and a bit tired and also a bit revved up. He wasn’t sure he’d be particularly effective at studying just then anyway. Blue was working that evening, so Ciliana nicely led them to Adam’s usual booth in the back of the restaurant. Somehow, Adam got stuck between Ronan and the wall on one side of the booth, and the close contact was proving to be a bigger distraction than he would have liked. All he could focus on was the heat that radiated off Ronan’s leg and the scent of his body wash. It was faint, but it somehow still felt like it was overpowering all of his senses. “Do we all get free pizza now? Or is that still just Adam?” Noah asked Blue as she dropped off their slices and glasses of tea, bringing Adam back to reality. “He’s been grandfathered in,” Blue replied, smacking Noah on the back of the head as she went back to the kitchen to drop off her tray. When she came back out, Adam said meekly, “You can charge me for the food, you know?” He was feeling a bit embarrassed about his thievery being called out so blatantly and also at the fact that the rest of the boys even noticed it happening. It was making that thing happen where his skin started to feel too tight for his body. It was the kind of feeling that was often followed by the feeling of wanting to put a fist through someone's head–preferably his own. She waved him off. “It’s basically a tradition at this point.”He figured he’d argue it more another time, but he wasn’t particularly keen on having this conversation in front of Noah, Gansey, and Ronan, so he just took his free pizza and bit his tongue. Blue walked around the back of the booth and laid her arms down to rest on Gansey’s shoulders, and he took one of her hands and brought it up to his lips before dropping it back down so she could embrace him. She brought her chin down to rest on the top of his head in an act that was startling in its casual intimacy. The two of them being a couple was somewhat wigging Adam out. Blue and Noah together he could make sense of, but Blue and Gansey was nearly unfathomable. It had been so difficult to just get the two of them to play nice with each other; he couldn’t understand when it had changed from tolerance to like and from like to like like . He also couldn’t get over the fact that he somehow hadn’t even noticed it happening. Usually, he was so in tune with Blue’s moods and feelings. How had he missed something so huge? All he could think was that he’d been so busy sorting through his own romantic turmoil about a certain bald bastard that he’d been distracted. He gave himself a scolding for being negligent when he was usually so attentive. “What are we doing this weekend?” Blue asked casually.Once again, Adam was overcome by the strange feeling of rightness from their proximity. Yes, it should be expected that the five of them would be doing something this weekend. Yes, it should be understood that they were a unit. Yes, yes, yes. “I don’t know about this weekend,” Gansey started, “but I actually wanted to talk to you all about possibly coming home to DC with me next weekend. As you may remember, my mother is running for congress”–Blue rolled her eyes dramatically above him and Ronan made a disgusting gagging noise–“and she’s having a campaign fundraiser that she’d like me to attend. I’d love it if you all would come with me.”The whole group sat in silence. Adam had a feeling that none of them were particularly interested in attending some stuffy congressional campaign event, but the fact that Gansey was asking was significant. Gansey was the kind of person that when he asked for something, you wanted to give it to him. The question was which impulse would win out. Finally, Noah said, “What the hell. I’m in.”Blue held Adam’s eyes for a second as if trying to gauge his thoughts before saying, “Me too, I guess.” “Sure,” Adam agreed. He shot a glance over at Ronan next to him. Of everybody there, he seemed the most likely to protest. A congressional fundraiser seemed like the furthest thing from his scene. But Adam couldn’t help the small part of him that knew he’d be disappointed if Ronan stayed home. “Fuck it,” Ronan said, crossing his arms behind his head in a way that conveyed noninterest. “Let’s go schmooze some government pigs.”They waited for Blue to finish her shift before leaving, and when Adam went to get in the Pig with her and Gansey, Ronan called, “Nope, Parrish, you’re coming with me. Time for lesson two.”Blue caught his eye quickly and sent him a look that he thought was her version of the Are you good? look. He shrugged in response. Was he good? Probably, maybe, yes, no. He wasn’t ever sure when Ronan Lynch was involved. He slid into the driver’s seat of the BMW, his nerves slightly more elevated than they were the first time. Something about the cover of night was making driving Ronan’s car feel more charged and powerful than it had in the light of day. “Try not to stall it this time, how about,” Ronan said. His words were cutting but his tone was deceptively light and joking. “Aye aye, captain.” Ronan made a sputtering noise that was possibly a very surprised laugh. Before he could get out some obnoxious comeback, Adam added, “I’m not gonna stall it. You’re actually a good teacher, you know?”“Damn straight, I am.”Adam seamlessly pulled the car out of the parking lot and started down the road. “So you’re really going to go to Gansey’s mom’s fundraiser?” he found himself asking. “I said I was, didn’t I? I don’t lie,” Ronan snapped back. “Never said you were lying. Just doesn’t seem like your scene, that’s all,” Adam said placatingly.“And what is it exactly that you think my scene is?” There was a smirk in his tone. “Something involving fire and destruction.”Ronan laughed his sharp laugh. “Glad to see you know me so well, Parrish.”Adam didn’t think he knew Ronan at all, really. And the funny part was that the longer he spent in his presence, the more he wanted to. “I think it’ll be fun,” Adam said suddenly. “All of us there. I’m glad we’re all going.”It was the closest he would get to telling Ronan that he was glad he was going. Ronan did his smoker’s breath. “Maybe.”They drove quietly for a couple of minutes before Ronan said, “You can feel when it wants to shift, right? It’s coming. Don’t miss it.”Adam paid attention to the way the car felt beneath him, to all the things Ronan had been telling him to focus on all day, and he caught it at just the right moment, satisfaction washing over him. “Good boy,” Ronan murmured. Adam nearly swerved the car off the road. “Fuck, Jesus, Parrish–what the fuck?” Ronan cursed as Adam righted them back in the lane. A car behind them honked petulantly. “Nothing, sorry, I just lost my grip for a sec.” He did not lose his grip. What had happened was his dick going from soft to rock hard in 0.2 seconds flat at the simple sound of Ronan Lynch calling him a good boy in that quiet, breathy tone. He knew his cheeks were bright pink and he was probably tenting his jeans. All he could hope was that Ronan wouldn’t look down towards his crotch until he could get himself back under control. They spent the rest of the drive in silence, Adam trying desperately to conjure up all of the least sexy images possible to calm himself down. By the time they pulled into the parking lot at Monmouth, he had finally gotten soft again. He put the car in park and turned to Ronan. “Sorry for almost crashing. Thanks for the lessons. This has been fun.” He hopped out, hoping to make a break for his car, but Ronan got out too and stepped right in front of him, putting them closer to each other than Adam thought they’d ever been before. He seemed surprised to have done it, like he didn’t mean to block Adam’s way and didn’t know what to do with himself now that they were standing face to face. Adam could see Ronan’s long, dark lashes, and the way they so complemented the icy blue of his eyes. He could see the light brush of stubble on his chin, and the fullness of his pink lips. Adam could suddenly so clearly imagine himself closing that last distance between them, dropping his lips to Ronan’s, finally finding out the way they would feel and taste against him. Before his brain could convince him to do something stupid, though, they were illuminated by the headlights of the Pig pulling in behind them and they both startled away, putting a much more appropriate amount of distance between them. “Well, goodnight, Parrish,” Ronan said finally, his voice surprisingly small. “Goodnight, Lynch,” Adam replied, but he knew he wouldn’t be able to sleep anytime soon.
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
“My house of stone, your ivy grows.”
-Ivy, Taylor Swift
It was 1:38 am. Ronan Lynch couldn’t sleep. This time, he didn’t bother bullshitting himself. He didn’t bother pretending he would watch a movie or get drunk or drive around in circles. He got in his car and drove straight to St. Agnes, marched right up the stairs to Adam’s apartment, and knocked twice on the door. It was only a minute before Adam was there in front of him. He seemed more awake than he had the last time, and there was a look in his eyes like he’d somehow been expecting Ronan to come. Probably he had. Fucking psychic. Ronan didn’t wait for him to ask what he was doing there. He felt electric.“Come for a drive with me.”This time, Adam didn’t close the door. He just turned around and left Ronan standing in the doorway while he went inside to pull on a pair of pajama pants and a sweatshirt, and then the two of them silently made their way downstairs and into Ronan’s car. Adam did his same funny way of sitting so he could hear Ronan talk, but it didn’t matter, because they didn’t talk at all.They’d been sitting in complete silence for ten minutes before Adam seemed to notice that they weren’t driving aimlessly this time. “Where are we going?” “You’ll see,” Ronan answered. It was another fifteen minutes before they reached the Barns. Under the cover of darkness, the entrance to the driveway was hard to see, but Ronan knew it like the back of his hand. The trees loomed large around them as they drove in, thinning out as they reached the parking area just in front of the farmhouse. Ronan put the car in park and climbed out, not even waiting to see if Adam would follow (he knew that he would), but paused once he was out so he could watch for Adam’s reaction. When Adam got out, he tilted his head back and glanced up at the sky, and his lips parted in an unspoken word. Ronan knew what he was seeing. The bright twinkling of the stars–brighter in Singer Fall’s than they ever got in Henrietta. It was an incredible sight, one that still took Ronan’s breath away even after all these years. He wanted to get lost in Adam’s wonderstruck expression, but he forced himself to walk to the stairs up to the house and retrieve the lantern that he kept there precisely for moments like this. He flicked it on but kept the light low; he barely even needed it with how bright the nearly full moon was, but there were some clouds coming in from the mountains, and it would get darker once they moved in front of it.“Where are we?” Adam asked, his voice full of wonder. “My home,” Ronan replied. He started to lead Adam around the house and towards the fields in the back. The grass rose up to their thighs in some places, and it made a comforting swish-swish sound as they walked. It was the sound of Ronan’s childhood. Finally, they reached a small outbuilding–a sturdy shed with a flat roof and a ladder running up it. Ronan climbed up and Adam followed him without a word. On the roof there was already a blanket laid out. Like the lantern, Ronan left it there for the nights when he couldn’t sleep. The nights where he knew he wouldn’t be able to until he’d seen the stars of the Barns. Adam sat down next to him, not close enough to be touching, but close enough to feel the body heat radiating off of him. A cool breeze blew by and Ronan caught a hint of Adam’s cheap soap. It was one of those smells that would have been decidedly unsexy on anyone else, but because it was on Adam–blended seamlessly with his own innate scent–it was somehow the most wonderful thing Ronan had ever smelled. “This is insane,” Adam said, still looking up at the sky. “I mean, it’s never this bright in Henrietta.”“No light pollution out here,” Ronan explained. “Too many trees and not enough people. Just how I like it.”Adam let out a breathy laugh, but didn’t say anything more. They sat in companionable silence, no noise between them except the trees rustling in the wind. Finally, Adam abruptly said, “If this is your home, why don't you live here? Why do you live at Monmouth?”Ronan took a deep breath in. It was a heavy question. One that came with copious amounts of backstory that at the current moment was only truly known by the remaining Lynches, Gansey, and Noah. But here under the stars it all seemed arbitrary. There was no world beyond this moment, this night, this boy sitting next to him. “I told you about my dad. He made some stupid, shady business deals that came back to bite him in the ass and ended with his head bashed in on our driveway,” he started. “My mom basically had a breakdown after that. Had to be hospitalized. I mean, I–I wanted to keep her here. Deal with it ourselves. But Declan, he got left in charge and he wanted her put away and so she got put away.” Ronan had to breathe deeply through the anger that still gripped him when he said those words. It didn't matter that a part of him understood the necessity of that choice. He hated Declan for being the one who made it. “So she went to a fucking treatment center and Declan and Matt went to Aglionby housing and I went to Monmouth,” he finished.“But you come back,” Adam said. A statement instead of a question. “Any chance I get,” Ronan exhaled. He noticed that Adam didn't try to say he was sorry for his loss or any of the other bullshit that Ronan had heard so often. He appreciated it. To have Adam listen, just listen, meant so much more than any empty words. Finally, Ronan cleared his throat. “What about you? Why don't you live at home?”That was the million-dollar question that had been plaguing Ronan’s mind since the second he found out about Adam’s living situation. He knew how unorthodox it was that he, Gansey, and Noah lived by themselves as high school students; he had a hard time coming up with an answer for why Adam did as well. The possibilities seemed both nonexistent and endless. Adam took a sharp inhale. “I didn't have a home, really.” He paused and then added, “I had a trailer, and a mom who wished I hadn't been born, and a dad who knocked me into railings so hard I can't hear outta my ear anymore.”Everything in Ronan stilled for a second before suddenly bursting into motion as every ounce of peacefulness he’d been feeling shifted into pure, hot rage. His vision went white around the edges and his hands unconsciously squeezed into fists. He wanted to kill Adam’s parents. He wanted to scream and punch and kick at them because how, fucking how, could they have a child like Adam and not love him? Who could possibly know Adam Parrish and not love him? Ronan had a strange sideways vision of a reality where things went differently. He figured it was probably some kind of savior complex, but he so clearly could envision his fist connecting with Adam’s father’s stupid face. It was as if he'd lived it in some other timeline. Like Adam, Ronan wasn't interested in giving out hollow words. So instead of telling him how sorry he was, Ronan said, “We should egg their trailer.”Adam stayed completely silent for several seconds, and for a moment Ronan thought he'd fucked up, but then he was laughing. It was such a real, surprised laugh that it shot through Ronan like a lightning strike. He thought that Adam’s laugh was better than any drug. “I don’t know why I told you that,” Adam said when he finished laughing. “I haven’t told anyone. Only Blue, but she was practically there. I don’t usually want anyone to know.”Ronan’s heart stuttered at the intimacy of Adam’s words. The fact that he told him something he usually told no one. “Well, I guess we both have daddy issues,” he joked. Adam laughed again, but then took a deep breath. “I can't even imagine what it would have been like to have grown up here. To live here. For this to be your home.”Ronan thought for a second before saying, “It was like magic. I know that sounds stupid, but it really was.”“You know, I'm so good at pretending,” Adam replied after a beat. “It's all I do. I pretend I fit in at Aglionby. I pretend I’m not exhausted all the time. I pretend everything is fine, even when it isn't. And right now, I want to pretend.” He took another deep breath and turned to look at Ronan. The moon’s glow was painting Adam with pearly light, making him look beautifully inhuman, like a creature of the forest. Ronan wondered how it was that every time he looked at Adam, he thought he was even more beautiful than before. “I want to pretend that this could have been my home. That it still could be,” Adam finished. They were both quiet. The space between them felt charged. The night felt endless. Ronan knew what he wanted, he just wasn't sure he knew how to take it. But he knew he had to try. “I don't want to pretend anymore.”He closed the distance between them in a second, took Adam’s perfect, beautiful face in his hands, and then their lips were touching. It was gentle at first, just a brush and then Ronan pulled away–an unspoken question. Adam answered by chasing Ronan’s lips, by kissing him again, and this time it was hungry. It was a kiss of desperation, of two animals who’d been starving for so long and could only be satiated by each other. It was all-encompassing, all-consuming. Adam’s hand snaked around Ronan’s head and cupped the back of his skull, pulling him in tighter. He parted his lips against Ronan’s and seamlessly slipped his tongue into Ronan’s mouth, and Ronan couldn’t help but moan against him. Unconsciously, the two of them moved closer and closer until they were up on their knees, chests knocking together, static electricity everywhere they met.The grass and trees were gone. The roof and the blanket were gone. The stars and moon were gone. All that was left was Adam and Ronan, no longer Adam and Ronan, but Adam-and-Ronan. They were so caught up in each other that they didn’t even notice when the stars and moon actually were gone because the clouds had moved in. They only noticed when the sky let loose, rain falling down as if out of nowhere. They both gasped as they startled apart, but their gasps quickly changed to laughs. Hand in hand, they scampered off the roof and Ronan pulled Adam towards the house. When they reached the door, he fished out the key that he’d stashed in his pocket and unlocked it, and then the two of them were crashing inside, clothes sopping wet, shoes squelching, skin flushed. “Jesus fuck,” Ronan cursed, dragging off his jacket and tossing it to the floor. Adam yanked off his sweatshirt and kicked off his soggy sneakers. Ronan could see the way his skin was already raised with gooseflesh, tinted pink from the cold. His lips were pink, too. Kiss-bruised. Ronan had to contain himself from pouncing again. Instead, he said, “Upstairs, closet on the right. Towels. I’ll start a fire.”Adam headed up the stairs and Ronan headed into the living room, thankful that he’d come by the week before and chopped some firewood. He tossed a couple of logs in the fireplace with a lit match, fanning the fire to get it really going while he listened to the sounds of Adam pattering around upstairs. Finally, he came back down, two big, fluffy towels gripped in hand. “Catch,” he said, tossing one to Ronan. They both stood for a minute in front of the fire, using their towels to try to sop up some of the water. The fire was warm and the water was cold and every nerve in Ronan's body was alight. “Come on, Lynch, aren't you going to make some joke about how maybe I should take my wet clothes off?” Adam finally said. Ronan had in fact been thinking of making that joke, but had talked himself out of it in case it was somehow too on the nose. But given the opportunity, he couldn't help shrugging and saying, “Hell, it'd probably be warmer that way.”Keeping his eyes firmly on Ronan’s, Adam suddenly dropped his towel. He reached down and pulled off his shirt before untying the waist of his pajama pants and slipping those off as well. And then Adam Parrish was standing in the middle of the Barns’ living room, bare except for his boxers. They were dark blue, made darker from how soaked they were, and they were clinging to his body in a way that was sinful. Ronan’s heart stopped beating.Adam took a step towards him. “Your turn,” he said quietly. Ronan couldn't move. He couldn't think. His head was full of static. Luckily, Adam was prepared to help. Gently, he tugged at the hem of Ronan’s shirt before pulling it over his head. He reached down and undid his belt, slowly sliding the leather out of the loops, and then– fuck –he unzipped Ronan's jeans and tugged them down and off his legs. They were even then. Equally exposed. Ronan still had his boxers on, but he felt naked. He could still feel the burning imprints from everywhere Adam had touched him. Adam took another step closer until their toes were touching and they were nearly nose to nose. And then he brought a beautiful, elegant hand up to cup Ronan's cheek. Ronan wasn't even remotely cold anymore; he felt like he was on fire. “Ronan,” Adam whispered. His first name instead of his last. Ronan’s eyes fluttered closed. “I feel like this is a dream. You don't want me like this. Not in the real world.”It hurt to admit. How often he'd dreamed about this moment, how much he'd wanted it, how much he'd feared it. He couldn't even imagine a reality where Adam would want him. He was convinced that he was asleep, that this wasn't real. It couldn't be real. “It's not a dream,” Adam replied, and when Ronan opened his eyes, Adam was looking at him deeply, their eyes meeting blue on blue. “I want you, Ronan. More than I've ever wanted anything.”A dam broke loose in Ronan’s chest, a burst of light exploding from his very core to the tips of his fingers and toes. Happiness, he thought. This is what happiness feels like. He kissed Adam again, then, somewhere between the softness of their first and the hunger of their second. It was a kiss that expressed joy and desire and pain and wanting. The kiss was as close as Ronan would ever get to a love letter; he let the words flow from his lips in the form of gentle touches. It only took a minute before his hands were twitching to touch again, to feel every inch of the sun-drenched skin that Ronan had fantasized so deeply about. He skimmed his fingers up Adam’s arm, taking great care to explore every inch, every freckle, every bone. When he reached the top, he brought the hand up to bury in Adam’s hair, tugging on it lightly as if to say Look! I’m here! Adam seemed to like the pressure if the soft moan he let out was anything to go by. Ronan wanted to bottle that sound, store it somewhere so he could come back to it later. But then Adam was dragging their bodies flush together and making that sound again and again and again and each one Ronan loved more than the last. With his hands on Ronan’s hips, Adam began to walk them back towards the couch. They nearly tripped over their discarded, soaked clothing, but their lips stayed connected even as they both laughed. When they finally reached the couch, Adam pushed Ronan down on it and crawled onto his lap, one thigh planted on either side of Ronan’s. The warm light of the fire flickered across Adam’s face, and he brought a hand up to trace one of Adam’s sharp cheekbones, something he’d longed to do since the moment he saw him. “What do you want?” Adam asked. “I thought that was glaringly obvious,” Ronan quipped, pressing up to seize Adam’s lips in another searing kiss before pulling away to whisper, “You, asshole. I want you.”“Now, Ronan,” Adam said with a small gasp. “What do you want right now?” Ronan faltered. He hadn’t thought that far ahead yet. What did he want? He wanted Adam to keep kissing him. He wanted Adam to stay sitting on his lap. He possibly wanted Adam to do a whole lot more than sit on his lap.“Whatever you want,” he replied. “Whatever you want to do, I want to do.” Adam smiled down at him. Maybe it was more of a smirk. Ronan didn’t know. All he knew was that he very much liked the look of it. “I want to suck your dick,” Adam said. Ronan died. He had a fucking heart attack. He was dead. He was in Heaven. “Do you want that?” Adam asked when Ronan didn’t do or say anything in response. “Yes, yes, fuck yes, Parrish,” Ronan babbled.Adam laughed and Ronan laughed with him, but then Adam slipped off his lap and got down on his knees between Ronan’s legs, and then neither of them were laughing. The only sounds in the room were the crackling of the fire and the sound of Ronan’s breaths getting heavier and heavier. Moving very carefully, Adam reached up and took hold of the waistband of Ronan’s boxers. He was moving slow, like he was giving Ronan the opportunity to stop him. As if there was any chance of that. Finally, he started to work them down over Ronan’s thighs, down his legs, until they slipped free and pooled on the ground. Ronan was naked. He was naked, and Adam Parrish was looking at him like he was the thing he wanted most in the world. Adam Parrish wanted Ronan, and Ronan wanted Adam Parrish. God really was good.Then Adam lowered his lips and kissed the tip of Ronan’s cock, and Ronan screamed. He would have been embarrassed, but he was too busy being painfully aroused.“Oh, Jesus, God, fuck, Adam,” he muttered, bringing one hand up to rest on the back of Adam’s head as he finally, finally opened his lips and slid Ronan’s cock to the back of his throat. His mouth was hot and warm and tight and perfect, perfect, perfect. Ronan fisted the hand that wasn’t in Adam’s hair in the couch cushion, focusing all of his energy into not bucking his hips up and not coming immediately, a feat that would have been easier accomplished had Adam not been clearly trying to suck his soul out through his dick. Ronan tightened his fingers in Adam’s hair, and Adam moaned. Goddamn moaned around Ronan’s cock, and before he could stop himself, his hips lifted up off the couch and he thrusted into Adam’s mouth. “Fuck, sorry, I didn’t mean to–”But Adam just moaned again. He brought his own hand up to press Ronan’s tighter against his head and looked up at Ronan through his lashes, his eyes blue and watery and the most beautiful thing Ronan had ever seen in his life. Ronan could tell just from his expression what he was saying. “You sure?” he asked, and Adam nodded, the movement jostling Ronan’s cock around in a way that had no right being as arousing as it was. Though, Ronan had a feeling that anything Adam did with his cock would be arousing. With permission, Ronan let himself start thrusting up into Adam’s waiting mouth. He kept it fairly shallow and gentle, not wanting to hurt Adam’s jaw or throat, but even shallow, it was the best thing he’d ever felt. He knew there was no chance he was lasting through more than thirty seconds of this. “Adam,” he warned, tapping Adam on the shoulder as he felt that tightening in his abdomen that meant this was about to be over. “ Adam.” Instead of moving off like Ronan expected, Adam kept going, hollowing his cheeks and taking Ronan to the back of his throat again, and suddenly Ronan was gone. Just gone. His vision went white and he made a noise that he hadn’t even known himself capable of and then there was nothing but bliss. He didn’t even notice when Adam slipped off him and crawled back on the couch, perching himself back on his lap. He only noticed when Adam leaned down and pressed a gentle kiss to his lips. “Good?” he asked. “Jesus fucking holy Christ, Parrish. Good doesn’t even begin to cover it,” Ronan groaned. Adam leaned down and kissed him again, a bit rougher, and then he rolled his hips and moaned into Ronan’s mouth, and Ronan could feel him hot and hard against his lap. “Let me return the favor?” he asked. Adam shook his head. “I really want your mouth, but I can’t wait. Can you just–“Yeah. Yeah.” Ronan reached his hand into Adam’s boxers and took no time in starting to pump him, hard and fast like he usually did on himself, and judging by the guttural noise that Adam made in response, Ronan thought he must like it that way also. Adam leaned his head down to rest on Ronan’s shoulder, and then he bit it roughly. Just the feeling was nearly enough to get Ronan hard again. Adam only lasted another minute before he was coming into Ronan’s fist, making punched-out little oh oh ohs the whole way through. Ronan knew he’d be dreaming about those oh oh ohs for days to come. When he finally finished, he collapsed boneless against Ronan’s chest, his head slumped on his shoulder. Ronan reached down and retrieved a wet shirt to wipe the come off his hand before wrapping his arms around Adam tight, keeping him cradled into his body. He could feel Adam’s heart beating against his own in perfect, matching rhythm. He kissed Adam gently on the cheek. “We should go to sleep.”With a yawn, Adam sat back and looked at him. “Yeah. I guess you should take me back now.”“Fuck that. Sleep here.” Adam bit down on his bottom lip. “Ronan…”Ronan shot up and seized Adam’s lips in another kiss, gentle and slow and leisurely. When he broke away, he whispered, “Sleep here.”And that time, Adam didn’t protest.
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
“And now I’m covered in you.”
-Ivy, Taylor Swift
Adam woke up with a warm, fuzzy feeling in his chest and a very heavy weight lying on his arm. It took him a moment to realize what was going on.
Happy? Why am I happy?
And then he remembered. Ronan and the stars. Ronan and the rain. Ronan and the fire. Ronan and the kisses and kisses and kisses and so much more. Ronan, Ronan, Ronan. Ronan, laying on his arm until it was completely asleep. He chuckled a little and rolled Ronan off and onto his side, squeezing his hand to try to work out the pins and needles. Once it felt more awake, he turned onto his own side and plastered his front to Ronan’s back, bringing an arm up to rest on Ronan’s, running it gently up and down smooth skin. Never in a thousand years would he have thought Ronan would be a little spoon. He was content to stay like that, preferably forever, but then his eyes caught on the clock on Ronan’s bedside table, and his heart jumped up into his throat. “Fuck, fuck, fuck!” He jumped out of bed in one swift movement, startling Ronan awake. “What? What the fuck?” Ronan mumbled, rubbing the sleep out of his eyes. “It's 10:28. I have work in thirty-two minutes and I am thirty minutes from the factory and where the flying fuck are my fucking clothes?” Adam paced around the room, picking up discarded pieces of fabric to search for his own clothes. “Okay, okay,” Ronan said placatingly, pulling himself out of bed. “Calm down. Your clothes are probably down by the fire still. I will drive you. Chill out, Parrish.”“I can't chill out!” Adam snapped. “I can't be late! Some of us have to work, you know!”“Hey.” Ronan crossed the room to him and took one of Adam’s hands in his. “It will be fine. I will drive you. If you're five minutes late, the world won't end.” He brought Adam’s hand to his lips and kissed his fingers ever so gently. It was the most soothing Adam had ever seen him be. “Okay,” Adam said, running a hand through his hair. He still felt panicked, but perhaps a bit less so. “Do you have a toothbrush I can borrow?”“Yeah, in the cabinet,” Ronan replied. As Adam went into the bathroom, Ronan followed him and asked, “Do you need to borrow clothes?”Adam only remembered then that he'd had pajamas on the night before. He groaned around his toothbrush. “No, fuck, it'll be fine. I keep an extra set in my locker at the factory.”Ronan just nodded and went back to his room, presumably to pull on his own clothes. Adam finished brushing his teeth quickly and ran downstairs to swipe up his pajamas and shove them back on. He was dressed right as Ronan came sprinting down the stairs, and then the two of them ran outside and hopped in the car. Adam suddenly understood Ronan and the street racing thing, because he'd never seen anyone drive that fast. Ronan actually made the thirty-minute drive in twenty-one minutes. Insane. “Thank you!” Adam said when they arrived, hand already on the door handle, but then he paused and quickly turned back to kiss Ronan chastely on the lips. “Thank you,” he whispered, quiet and more sincere. “Anytime, Parrish,” Ronan replied with a smirk. * * * Adam practically forgot he got a lunch break on Saturdays (partially because it didn't happen until three pm) until the manager called him for break. When he got into the back room, one of his coworkers cheerily said, “Hey Parrish, your girl is out front.”Adam didn't correct him about the your girl thing, because he knew who was outside, and yeah, she was kinda his girl, just not in a possessive, romantic way. Or perhaps she was Gansey’s girl now? That made Adam a touch uncomfortable to think about. When he got outside, Blue was sitting on the curb with a paper bag next to her. She smiled when she saw him. Her Adam smile. “Sandwich time,” she declared, reaching into the bag to hold a sandwich out for Adam. He could already tell it was Maura’s chicken salad. His favorite. “Thanks. I didn't even bring anything. You're saving me from starvation,” he replied, sitting down next to her and taking the sandwich. She rolled her eyes. “I'm quite familiar with your lack of self-preservation skills.”Adam laughed before sinking his teeth into the delectable morsel he'd been given. He hadn't realized how starving he was, but he hadn't eaten anything that morning either. He was too busy sleeping and then hurrying to work. With Ronan. She pulled out her own sandwich and they ate in silence for a few minutes before he said, “Hey, do you wanna know a secret?”Blue smiled. “Always.”Adam smiled, too. He didn't know if he was smiling at the familiar act of sharing his secrets with Blue, or if he was smiling at the sheer happiness he felt about what he was about to tell her. Probably both. “I didn't bring anything for lunch because I had to rush here. From the Barns. Where I spent the night with Ronan.”Blue gasped dramatically. “Are you kidding me? You–Wait, what?”Adam laughed, breathless and disbelieving. “Yeah.”“You have to tell me everything!” “I don't think you want to know everything,” Adam replied with a smirk. Blue wrinkled her nose. “Ew, right, yeah, I don't wanna know about that. But everything else! How the…I didn't even realize you liked him!”“I didn't really either, I think,” Adam said. “Not for a while at least. He just kind of…crept up on me, I guess.”“And you do? Like him, I mean,” she asked with a hint of concern. Adam smiled again, this time more to himself. “Yeah. I really do.”Suddenly, Blue slapped him on the arm, and he winced only a little. She was shockingly strong for someone so tiny. “He's an asshole, but he's hot. I'm happy you're happy.”Adam laughed. “He is hot.” * * * Adam didn't get off until after the sun had gone down, but when he walked outside, there was a BMW parked in the lot, Ronan Lynch leaning against it. A surprised little grin automatically spread across his face. God, he'd been smiling so much recently. It was embarrassing. “Hey,” Ronan said when he walked up. He was feigning disinterest; Adam could tell. It was stupid that it was cute. It shouldn't be cute. “Hey yourself. Didn't expect to see you here.”“What? You thought I was gonna leave you stranded with no ride?”Adam had thought that a bit. But he wasn't so surprised to see Ronan here, either. The more time he spent with him, the more he realized that Ronan was all about little acts of care. With Gansey, with Noah, even with Blue. And now with him. Adam couldn't help it, he grabbed Ronan by the t-shirt and dragged him in for a kiss. He didn't care if his stupid co-workers saw. Ronan kissed back, hungry and all-consuming, and a fire lit in Adam’s belly. He hadn't even realized he could be so attracted to a person until Ronan Lynch came barreling into his life. “Come back to the Barns with me,” Ronan said against his lips. Adam pulled away. “I gotta go home.”“I'll take you there. Get some shit. Come back with me. Stay,” he said, one of his hands running up Adam’s arm. It was gentle and sweet and also a little bit sexy and Adam thought it was a promise of future things to come. It was dumb. He had homework and an afternoon shift tomorrow and he didn't really need to be wasting time thirty minutes away. But he wanted. God, he wanted. “Fine,” he said with a smile. “Take me home.”He didn't mean St. Agnes. He didn't mean the Barns. He meant Ronan.
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
“So yeah, it’s a fire, it’s a goddamn blaze in the dark, and you started it.”
-Ivy, Taylor Swift
Gansey was not a fan of Washington, DC. In general, he didn’t like people, or cities, or people in cities. He preferred mountains, and small towns, and people who resided in mountainous small towns. He liked Henrietta, and he liked the people in Henrietta. In particular, he liked Blue Sargent. He was pleased that she and the rest of the group had agreed to come home with him for his mother’s campaign event. He wasn't sure how he'd be faring here by himself. As it was, he was faring pretty badly, even with Blue’s hand gripped in his. She looked stunning, even more so than usual in her black cocktail dress and platform boots. Her spiky hair was pulled back with a rainbow array of hair clips, and she was combining alternative, sexy, and appropriate so perfectly that it made Gansey’s mouth go dry. It was also abundantly clear that she too had no interest in being at this function, but she was putting up with it for his sake, a fact that brought more joy to Gansey than he'd like to admit. The party was taking place in the bottom floor of the Gansey’s family house (“Mansion,” Blue had said. “300 Fox Way is a house. This is a mansion.”), which meant there was really no escape. The house was cavernous enough, though, that he'd managed to somehow lose the rest of his friends not even a few minutes into the party. Last time he saw Ronan and Adam, they'd been subtly holding hands (a new development that Gansey was still in the process of wrapping his head around) while Adam chatted with some senator and Ronan petulantly stared at the ground. The last time he saw Noah, he was flirting with some congressman’s daughter and drinking champagne he'd clearly snuck from a waiter. At least he was having a good time. After the fifth person in a row called him Dick and shook his hand and asked him if he knew where he was going to college yet, Gansey felt like his head was getting close to exploding. Everything was just so damn loud. The music and the people and the whole thing itself. It was deafening. Finally, Blue put down her flute of sparkling cider and started pulling on his hand, meaningfully tugging him away from the crowd. “You need a break,” she said. He let her shepherd him towards the hallway, and then she pressed up on her toes and whispered in his ear, “Where’s your room?”Gansey’s whole body shivered at the contact. “Someone’ll see if we try to sneak away.”She pulled back and smirked at him. “Then we’ll just have to be extra sneaky.”The mischief in her smile and intention in her words were all it took to wash away every last ounce of Gansey’s apprehension, and he immediately found himself pulling on her hand and leading her away from the party. The house was swimming with people, but Gansey knew it like the back of his hand, and managed to plot them a course through the throng and towards escape. They sped through the kitchen, thankfully mostly deserted, and with one final glance around, Gansey tucked Blue along with him into a small door leading to a small, dark staircase. “Where are we?” Blue asked in the darkness.Gansey kept her hand gripped in his as he located the light switch. “Back staircase. Used to be used for maids a long time ago.”Blue snorted as the light came on and the two of them began to go up. “Like you guys don’t still have maids.”“We don’t have maids,” Gansey argued. “We have staff. Very different.”Gansey could practically hear the roll in Blue’s eyes as she muttered, “Rich people bullshit.”An ever-present part of Gansey suddenly burned in shame. It was embarrassing to be here in this oversized house full of expensive things with his much more normal friends. His much more normal girlfriend. Well, not normal. But not rich. When they were in Henrietta, Gansey could almost forget how different his life was back home. He didn’t like being reminded. He didn’t like Blue seeing this side of him. But before he could get too sucked into his own head, they reached the top of the stairs and popped out into the main hallway. Still holding onto his hand, Blue spun around and began to stroll backward, her eyes blazing and a smirk playing on her lips. “Which room, Casanova?”Gansey chuckled a little as he tugged her into his bedroom, closing the door tightly behind them. Alone, he thought. We’re finally alone. The sounds from the party downstairs were still bleeding through, but for the first time that night, Gansey stopped feeling overwhelmed by the noise. For this time, this precious moment, nothing needed to exist beyond the walls of this room. Nothing needed to exist besides him and Blue. She wasted no time in pushing him back against the door and pressing up on her tiptoes to reach his lips. He leaned down to meet her in the middle, and the next thing he knew, her arms were looped around his neck and her body was pressed flush against his and her tongue was in his mouth and everything was perfect.“Blue,” he groaned into her mouth, and then he said it again: “Blue. Blue.”“What do you want?” she broke away to ask, but there was no annoyance in her voice. Just understanding and compassion and heat. “What do you need, Gansey?”What did he need?He needed to not be at this party. He needed to be back in his car, in Henrietta, in Monmouth Manufacturing. He needed to not be Richard Campbell Gansey III anymore. He needed to just be Gansey, and he needed her to just be Blue, and he needed them to stop being two people at all, honestly. He needed to feel her deep and close and everywhere. He needed her to consume him. “Whatever you want to give me,” was what he replied. She smiled again, and Gansey thought that Blue’s smile was like a drug. That once he started getting it, he’d gotten addicted and now could never get enough. He lived for the moments when she looked at him like that–with adoration and passion and something that might be akin to love. Or he hoped so, at least. God, did he hope so. He didn’t have long to ruminate on her smile, though, because then she dropped down on her knees in front of him and every thought in his head turned to mush. “Blue,” he said again, and it somehow sounded both like a warning and a request. “Shhh,” she whispered, reaching up to undo the clasp of his belt. “This is what I want to give you.”Gansey thought his heart might have just burst. He thought he might have died. He thought that this might be heaven, right here: Blue Sargent, smiling at him from between his legs, that mischievous little glint in her eyes that told him that what was about to happen next would be mind-blowingly incredible. “Are you sure?” he asked. Carefully, she slid his belt out of the loops and undid the button of his pants, tugging the zipper down tantalizingly slow. “This is what you need. And this is what I want to give you,” she repeated. When she pulled him free, Gansey’s head fell back against the wood door with a surprisingly loud smack, and Blue giggled and once again shushed him. He knew she was right; it was best to be quiet. It wasn’t likely anyone would come wandering this way beyond his sister or parents, but he wasn’t keen on anyone hearing where this was about to go. Slowly, Blue leaned forward and slid the tip of his cock against her tongue and into the wet heat of her mouth, closing her lips and sucking him down in one movement. Gansey’s eyes rolled back in his head and he brought one hand up to stifle his moan as the other dropped to rest in Blue’s hair. She brought her own hands up to rest on his khaki-clad thighs, gripping them tight enough that he felt like her fingers would leave imprints in the fabric. Blue had done this for him several times since they’d gotten together, but each time it somehow still felt brand new. Sex with Blue was just like that. No matter what she did, it was so overwhelming, so all-consuming that it felt unlike anything he’d ever done before. Sex with her wasn’t even in the same category as sex he’d had before her. It was like two completely different food groups; like eating filet mignon after having only ever eaten TV dinner Salisbury steak. Incomparable. Once, he’d nearly asked Noah if he’d felt the same way when the two of them were doing this, but then decided he’d actually rather not know. The romantic side of him wanted to believe that this was something special shared just between him and Blue, and the logical side of him wasn’t really interested in hearing about his best friend and his girlfriend having sex. Blue took him all the way to the back of her throat before pulling most of the way back and swirling her tongue around the head of his cock in just the way she knew he liked it, and Gansey had to practically shove his whole hand in his mouth to keep the moan he let out quiet. “You–Blue–Oh, god–” he stuttered, hand tightening in her hair as she bobbed her head faster and faster. He was desperately trying to find the words for how this made him feel. How she made him feel. Finally, he settled on, “Incredible. You’re incredible. God, are you incredible.”As if spurred on by his praise, Blue began to move even faster, hollowing her cheeks and bringing one hand down to cover the part of him that her mouth couldn’t reach. Moving her mouth and hand in tandem, she worked Gansey so close to the edge that he barely had time to warn her before he was biting down hard on his bottom lip and pulsing down her throat. When he finally finished, she pulled off and sat back on her haunches, looking up at him from between his legs. Her eyes were a little watery and her lips were a little red and she was quite literally the most beautiful thing he’d ever seen in his life. “How do you feel now?” she asked. Gansey let his eyes flutter closed. The incessant buzzing he’d been feeling all night had finally dissipated, and the raging storm in his chest had ceased. There was nothing now. Nothing but this. Them. How did he feel now? “Quiet,” he said finally. “I feel quiet.” * * * The party took a long while to wind down, and as much as Adam wanted to sneak away, he knew it was best just to stick it out and network. There were lots of people at this event who could be invaluable contacts for internships and college and jobs later on, and no matter how much it drained him, Adam knew it was important that he make those connections. It simultaneously helped and hurt that Ronan spent the whole time being surly and difficult. It was the perfect dose of normalcy that Adam craved, even if it was irritating. Being irritated at Ronan was practically the one constant in Adam’s life, anyway.Once most everybody had left, Adam had politely said goodbye to Gansey’s mother and made his way upstairs to the bedroom he was staying in, tossing his too-tight suit jacket on the bed and pulling off his tie (red! As if he could actually ever be a Republican). The room was spacious and much nicer than any room he'd ever slept in before, and Adam could hardly believe that it was just one of so many in this unnecessarily ginormous house. Large enough that there were enough bedrooms for each of their group without even having to share. Adam’s stomach curdled in a mix of revulsion and envy. He’d lost Ronan about an hour before as he and Noah snuck off to drink stolen champagne, and he had half a mind to go find them. But he didn't want to get drunk. He just wanted Ronan. Oh God, he was going soft. Shaking his head as if to clear it, Adam grabbed the towel left for him on the desk and went down the hall to the bathroom, slipping inside and turning on the shower. He made it scalding hot, just the way he liked it. At St. Agnes, the water never got warmer than lukewarm, so he savored every opportunity he had for a truly hot shower. He stood in there longer than was necessary, but it helped him to reorient after such a night. So much socialization, stifling his accent, pretending to be something he's not was wearing on him. The shower didn't make it go away completely, but it did make him feel a bit better. When he hopped out, he pulled on his pajamas and made his way back to the bedroom. He stole a glance at the clock on the bedside table. 11:42 pm. Not truly late by Adam’s standards, but late enough he felt tired. He flicked the light off and crawled underneath the covers, relaxing into the soft, cushy mattress and letting his eyes flutter shut. Adam had no idea how long he'd been drifting when he heard the click of the bedroom door opening through his hearing ear, luckily not the one pressed into the pillow. He sat up with a surprised gasp, his hand reached out in front of him like he would and could fend off some attacker. “Jesus Christ, Parrish, chill the hell out.”“Ronan!” he scolded, leaning over to turn on the bedside lamp. “What are you doing here? You scared the shit out of me!”Ronan chuckled and threw himself down onto the bed so he bounced. His head lolled to the side and he had a small smile playing on his lips. “What do ya think I'm doing here?”“I think you're drunk,” Adam replied gruffly. “I'm not drunk. I'm an Irishman. I don't get drunk off champagne,” Ronan scoffed, scooting himself closer to Adam. Unable to stop himself, Adam let one of his hands rest on Ronan’s thigh. He could never stop himself from touching Ronan whenever the opportunity arose. “You sound drunk.”“I'm not. I just had a shit time at that stupid party and have now ingested a perfectly respectable amount of alcohol and I want my boyfriend to kiss me right the fuck now. Chop chop, Parrish,” he said childishly. Adam couldn't help from laughing and happily obliging. He leaned down and placed his hand on the back of Ronan’s skull, drawing them together and meeting his lips. The kiss started soft, but it didn't take long for Ronan to slip his tongue into Adam’s mouth, curling them sinfully together in a way that never failed to make Adam lose his mind. “This what you wanted?” Adam asked between kisses. His voice already sounded breathy and wrecked. Ronan responded by chasing Adam’s lips and kissing him ever dirtier until Adam was moaning into his mouth and could feel his cock growing steadily harder in his pajama pants. Finally, Ronan broke away and looked at him. The back of Adam’s neck tingled just before Ronan said, “I want you to fuck me.”Adam’s heart quite literally jumped into his throat. “Wh–What?” he stuttered out, his voice high-pitched and strained. “I. Want. You. To. Fuck. Me,” Ronan repeated carefully. “No, I heard you. I just…” Adam raked a hand through his hair. “Are you sure?”In the week since they'd gotten together, Adam and Ronan had had plenty of sex. A lot of it. Much more than Adam would have thought possible to have in seven days, but had proven to be more than possible. Adam wanted Ronan constantly with a burning intensity that never went away, even when they'd just finished. And miraculously, Ronan seemed to feel the same way, a fact that Adam would never understand, but would never stop being thankful for. But despite all the sex they'd had, they hadn't had that kind of sex. Adam had never had that kind of sex at all, with anyone. The extent of his previous sexual encounters had involved a single blowjob behind his trailer from a girl two trailers over and one very uncomfortable and unenjoyable handjob from Blue when they’d been sixteen and had just started dating. He had gone out of his way to block that one from his memory. All in all, none had been very good, and none had been very significant. Adam had never even come close to having penetrative sex before (God, he hated that word), and he somehow hadn't been expecting for Ronan to propose such a thing so quickly. But when he thought about it, it made a strange sort of sense. Ronan did everything hard and fast. And Adam would be lying if he said he hadn't thought about it. Of course he had. And just because he hadn't thought it would happen for a while didn't mean he didn't want it. It didn't even mean he wasn't ready for it. He thought that if this was anyone else, he wouldn't be, but this was Ronan. He wanted to give everything to Ronan, like Ronan had given to him. He wanted to be as close to him as humanly possible. Ronan nodded resolutely. “I'm completely sure.”“Have you…Have you done it before?” It was an awkward question, one he wasn't even entirely sure he wanted to know the answer to, but figured he should know all the same. Ronan’s cheeks flushed just a bit, and Adam thought absently that Ronan Lynch blushing was perhaps his favorite sight in the world. He shook his head, and Adam let out a breath he hadn't known he'd been holding. He didn't realize how much he was hoping Ronan was as new to this as he was. “Have you?” Ronan asked. “No.”“And you want to?”“Yes,” Adam said quickly. “I want you to be my…” but he trailed off, losing the nerve to say what he meant. My first. He wanted to share this with Ronan. He wanted to be the only one to see Ronan like that, and he wanted Ronan to be the only one to see him. Ronan kissed him then, surprisingly gentle. “Me too.”Then they were kissing again, soft and then hard and then desperately. Finally, Adam broke away to gasp out, “Supplies. Don't we need supplies?”Ronan blushed again. “I brought them.”A smirk spread across Adam’s face. “Presumptuous much?”“Fuck off. Do you want to fuck me or not, Parrish?”“You know I do.”“Okay, then stop being a jackass and sit still while I go get it.”Adam dramatically threw himself back to lean against the headboard and crossed his arms behind his head. He raised one eyebrow expectedly. “Hurry up, Lynch. Don't keep me waiting.”Ronan swallowed thickly and then bolted off the bed and out of the room, and Adam laughed. He started counting in his head. One, two, three… Ronan came sprinting back in, something clutched in his hand. “Forty-two seconds,” Adam said smugly. “Shut up.” Ronan tossed whatever was in his hand at Adam’s chest and sat back down on the bed. Adam raised the items to his face and examined them. Lube and a condom. He placed them down next to him on the bed and dragged Ronan in for another kiss. “Is it a little embarrassing that it's turning me on that you prepared for this?”Ronan rolled his eyes. “You and your stupid planning kink.”They kissed for a bit longer before Adam broke away and said, “Okay, let's do this. Do you know what to do?”“To start, stop talking to me like my damn tennis coach. And yes, I know what to do.”Adam decided to ignore the tennis coach comparison. He wasn't quite sure how to phrase his next question. “Do you want me to–uh–help?”Ronan rolled his eyes. “Okay let's cool it with the awkwardness. Your dick is about to be in my ass. Act like it.”“Okay, okay.”“I'm guessing you've never fingered yourself before?”Adam's cheeks turned a deep scarlet. “No. But I feel like I understand the mechanics. Have you?”“Obviously.”Suddenly, Adam had a question burning in the back of his throat, and it burst free before he could stop it. “Do you think about me when you do it?”Ronan’s eyes darkened, his pupils dilating suddenly, and he did his smoker breath once. “Yes.”Adam felt a rush of liquid heat pool in his abdomen and he scooted himself closer to Ronan until their knees were knocking and their faces were nearly touching again. “Tell me what you think about. And touch yourself.”He wasn't entirely sure where this sudden bout of boldness was coming from when he'd been so nervous not even a second before, but he could see in Ronan’s face that he liked it. Adam liked it too. Slowly, Ronan unbuttoned his stupid nice shirt and pushed it off, dropping it to the ground carelessly. Normally, that would irk Adam like crazy, but right now, he couldn't care less. Adam’s fingers suddenly itched to touch, and he found himself unbuckling Ronan’s belt and unbuttoning his trousers, sliding them down and off his body along with his boxers in one fell swoop. Ronan went ahead and yanked Adam free from his pajamas too until they were both kneeling on the bed naked. “Touch yourself,” Adam commanded again, but when Ronan reached for his cock, Adam stopped him. “Not there.”His skin flushing and his eyes still held on his, Ronan reached for the lube, snapping open the top and slicking up his fingers. Adam couldn't stop watching. Nothing was even happening yet and it was the most erotic thing he'd ever seen. Finally, Ronan reached behind himself, and even though Adam couldn't see, he knew the second Ronan slid a finger inside himself. Ronan hissed, and Adam’s cocked jerked at the sight, but also at the knowledge that he'd be inside of him soon. That Ronan was prepping himself to take Adam’s cock. “Tell me what you think about when you do this.”Ronan moaned a bit, either at the sensation or the words, and Adam saw his hand speed up. “You. I think about you.”“What about me do you think about? Be specific, Ronan,” he said boldly, bringing one hand up to rest on the back of Ronan's neck and leaning forward to press a wet kiss to the spot just below his ear. “I think about you doing this to me,” Ronan groaned. “I think about your hands. God, your hands, Adam. I think about them inside me.”Adam trailed his kisses down Ronan’s throat, and he felt his muscles tighten. “Do you think about my cock? Do you think about me fucking you?”Ronan moaned then, loud and whiny, and the sound shot through Adam’s body like a lightning strike. “Fuck, yes. Fuck, Adam. I think about you inside of me. Filling me.”“Do you want that?” Adam stopped to look up at Ronan’s through his lashes, and when Ronan met his eyes, he swallowed hard. “Yes, yes, I want that. So bad,” he said through another breathy moan. “Then show me,” Adam ordered. “Show me what to do. Show me how to touch you.”With another groan, Ronan rolled forward onto his front, his knees up and his head resting on his elbows. His ass was in the air and on full display to Adam, and suddenly Adam’s mouth was bone dry. He hadn't ever really thought about the mechanics of prepping someone for anal sex–whether he would enjoy it–but one look at Ronan told him that he did. Very, very much. Because the sight of Ronan’s asshole, already wet and stretched a bit made his cock stir and his hands shake and he needed to be inside Ronan like yesterday. “You look so goddamn good,” he said, the words rushing free from his lips, and Ronan made another little whiny noise that just turned him on even more. “Tell me what to do,” he said again. “Help me through this.” He needed to do a good job so badly, to make this pleasurable for Ronan. He needed to do this thoroughly. He needed to do this so goddamn quickly before he came just at the fucking thought. “Use the lube,” Ronan said through gritted teeth. “Use the lube. I was doing two already, so you should be good to start with that. And just–you know, stretch.”Adam practically fumbled trying to get the lube open and squirted on his fingers, and then he was pressing two fingers against Ronan’s opening, and then he was sliding them in, and it was so unbelievably hot and tight and wet and all Adam could think about was sliding his cock into that. He groaned at the same time Ronan did. “Scissor them,” Ronan instructed, so Adam did, parting his fingers to scissor them apart, stretching Ronan’s rim even further. He watched in wonder at the way Ronan’s body accommodated the stretch, at the way his fingers disappeared into his body. He did that for a while, pumping his fingers in and out and scissoring them apart, Ronan making punched-out little breathy sounds the whole time. Finally, Ronan said, “Crook them up.” Adam did, and Ronan said, “More. Like–”Adam knew when he hit that magic spot inside him, because suddenly Ronan was smashing his face down into the bed and keening furiously and jerking his hips back as if to push Adam’s fingers further inside him. “Just like that,” he breathed out. “Just like–oh God, Adam–just like fucking that.”Adam squeezed his eyes shut, because he was suddenly sure that if he kept watching, he was going to come before he could get to the end goal here. He hit Ronan’s prostate a few times more before suddenly Ronan was shouting out, “Stop! Stop!”Adam ripped his fingers out immediately. “What? Did I hurt you?”“No,” Ronan said through his heavy breathing. “No, it was so good. But if you keep doing that I'm going to come. And I don't want to do that until you're inside of me.”“Oh, okay. What do you want me to do then?”“Put them back in,” Ronan replied quickly. “Just…stretch. Don't hit my prostate. Please.”Something about Ronan saying ‘please’ did something highly specific to Adam, and he was plunging his fingers back in so fast that he felt the moment Ronan’s rim gave way for him, and the feeling was incredible. Ronan practically howled when he did, and the sound was completely invigorating, and once again Adam was overwhelmed by how much he needed to be fully buried inside him. He set to work stretching him quickly and thoroughly, only putting in a third finger when Ronan gave him the okay. Finally, after what felt like an eternity, Ronan said, “I'm ready.”Adam pulled his fingers out but paused before making a move to do anything else. “Are you sure?”“Yes, God, fuck I’m sure. Just get inside me. Now.” That was enough for Adam. He dragged the condom on as quickly as humanly possible and wasted no time slicking himself up. He let out a hiss as his hand dragged over his cock, but then squeezed the base to try to get himself back into some semblance of control. Finally–fucking finally–he lined himself up with Ronan’s entrance. But just as he was about to push in, he had a sudden thought. “Could you…um…”“What, Parrish?”“Could you actually turn around?” he asked, his voice suddenly shy and quiet. “I'd like to see you, I think. While I, you know…”“Yeah,” Ronan said, more of a breath than a word. “Yeah.”He flipped on his back, and his cheeks were bright pink and his forehead a little sweaty, but he was painfully beautiful. Adam knew that he was right; he needed to look at him while they did this. He needed to see. Ronan brought his knees into his chest and Adam perched himself between his legs, bringing his hands down to rest on either side of Ronan's head. He leaned down and kissed Ronan once on the lips. “You ready?”“Duh.”And with that, Adam began to sink in. There was resistance, but not a lot, so Adam pushed past the ring of muscle until, in a moment as huge as man walking on the moon, Adam Parrish was inside of Ronan Lynch. The feeling was indescribale. Ronan made a small strangled sound and Adam froze his movement. “Okay?”“Yeah,” Ronan said, squeezing his eyes shut. “Just–Give me a sec to adjust.”“Yeah, yeah, anything.”He gave Ronan some time to stretch around him, but when Ronan nodded, he couldn't control himself from sinking in further, going slowly but steadily until he was suddenly buried all the way, his hips lying flush against Ronan’s backside. “Oh god,” he moaned out. “Oh god. Oh god, Ronan.”He could barely think. All he could focus on was the tight feeling of Ronan squeezing around him, how warm and slick he felt. It took every bit of his self-control to not start fucking into him immediately, but he knew he needed to give Ronan some time to adjust to the feeling. Finally, Ronan nudged him with his foot. “Go. Fucking go, Parrish.”Adam went. He didn't go hard at first, just slow and shallow thrusts, dragging his cock nearly all the way out before plunging back in. He couldn't stop the noises pouring past his lips. He'd never felt anything like this before. Nothing even close. He couldn't imagine there was any feeling in the world better than the feeling of being buried inside Ronan Lynch. Ronan was making incredible moaning noises too, and Adam wanted him to make more. “Harder?” he asked, his voice cracking with strain. “Harder,” Ronan nearly cried. “Harder, harder, harder.” Adam went harder, his hips slamming into Ronan, the room suddenly filled with the unbelievable sounds of skin slapping against skin and their moans, getting louder and louder with every stroke. Adam vacantly remembered that he was sharing a wall with Noah, a fact he would be endlessly embarrassed about at a later time. Not now, though. There was no time or space for embarrassment now. Adam felt when he successfully angled to hit Ronan’s prostate, and Ronan convulsed under him and nearly screamed. “Fuck! Adam, Adam, Adam, please,” he mumbled. Adam had no idea what he was begging for, but he wanted to give it to him. Somehow, Adam went even harder, hitting Ronan’s prostate with each stroke. He could feel himself rapidly hurtling towards his own release, and he had a feeling Ronan was getting there too, so he reached down and took his cock in hand, stroking it hard and fast like Ronan liked. “Adam,” Ronan practically sobbed, and that did it. With a miraculous moan, he pulsed and felt himself empty into the condom. He kept going through his high, and even after, when he started to get sensitive. When he looked down at Ronan, he saw that he was crying. It made Adam want to cry too. He'd never felt like this. Never felt so much. He started to stroke Ronan even faster, still pumping his hips just enough to brush against Ronan’s prostate. “Come on, Ronan. Let go.”And Ronan did, his eyes scrunching shut and his body tensing as he came all over Adam’s fist, his come shooting up to coat both of their chests. They both gasped, and when Ronan finally stilled, Adam couldn't help from collapsing against his chest, cock still buried inside of him. He didn't even care that he was lying in a puddle of come. He stayed there for a minute, just trying to catch his breath. Then he pressed a gentle kiss to Ronan's collarbone. “That was incredible,” he breathed out, and he felt Ronan nod. He picked himself up onto his elbows so he could meet Ronan’s eyes, glassy and sleepy and satisfied looking. Adam brought one thumb up to wipe away the remaining tears. He didn't mention them. He had a feeling Ronan wasn't ready for that conversation yet. Neither was he, really. Suddenly, he felt the intense urge to tell Ronan he loved him. It should have been impossible. They'd been together for a week, for God’s sake. But they'd been building to this for so long. And somehow Adam knew that he did, no matter how crazy that was. It was more than that, though. Stronger. It was two halves meeting. Adam's soul becoming whole when he hadn't even realized it hadn't been. Suddenly, he heard a voice in his deaf ear. It whispered a phrase, something in Latin. Qui est tamquam alter idem. Like a second self. He kissed Ronan’s forehead, each of his closed eyelids, and finally his lips. “Tamquam alter idem,” he whispered. Ronan smiled then. “Cicero? Damn Parrish, how nerdy can you get?”Adam laughed. He should have known Ronan would get the reference. But instead of saying anything else sarcastic, Ronan kissed him again, and against his lips whispered, “Tamquam.” “Alter idem,” Adam whispered back. And finally, he felt complete.
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
“You started it.”
-Ivy, Taylor Swift
Adam felt like he was watching a verbal ping-pong match.“No.”“Come on, man, it’ll be–”“I said no.”“Gansey, please! I promise we won’t–”“We are not throwing a house party at Monmouth! I’m putting my foot down!”Noah and Ronan both fell silent and glared at Gansey from where they sat on the other side of their booth at Nino’s. Adam, who was sitting to Gansey right, peered at Gansey’s set expression before turning to meet Ronan’s eyes. Ronan gave him a look that very much seemed to convey that he wanted Adam to weigh in, but Adam kept his lips sealed. He didn’t live at Monmouth Manufacturing, so it wasn’t his place to express an opinion on this matter either way. Besides, he still hadn’t made up his mind who he agreed with. Finally, in a very quiet, meek voice, Noah said, “But it’s my birthday. Please?”Gansey bit down on his bottom lip. In the time he’d been friends with them, Adam had quickly come to realize that Gansey had a tendency to want to give Noah whatever he asked for. He figured it was probably sympathy for Noah’s tragic past, plus just a natural response to Noah’s particular personality. When Gansey asked for something, you wanted to give it to him because of his innate sway. But when Noah asked for something, you wanted to give it to him because he was sweet and kind and never really asked for much anyway. Adam was honestly impressed that Gansey had held out this long. Some of it might have been Ronan’s involvement, since when Ronan asked for something, nobody ever wanted to give it to him (except Adam, of course, who wanted to give him everything all the time).“I don’t want the place getting trashed,” Gansey replied.“We won’t trash it,” Noah assured. “I swear.”“It might get out of hand. I don’t want it to get out of hand.”“What get out of hand?” Blue asked as she made her way over to their booth, dropping a new pitcher of sweet tea onto the table. “Thank god, maggot,” Ronan said, leaning forward on his elbows. “Use your girlfriend powers to convince Dick to let us have a party this weekend.”“Why can’t we have a party?” Blue perched herself on the back of the booth and ran one hand through Gansey’s hair. Gansey shivered a little at the contact and Adam practically watched him waver. Girlfriend powers, indeed.Gansey cleared his throat. “Because frankly, I think it’s a bad idea. I have valuable things that I don’t want getting destroyed and the last thing I want is people vomiting on our clean floors.”“Nobody is going to destroy your things or vomit on our floor, I promise,” Noah said quickly. “It won’t be anything big. Just a few people, some music, and some beer, okay?”Gansey chewed on his bottom lip again. “I don’t know.”“It’s his fucking birthday, dude. Come on,” Ronan growled. Blue ran her fingers through Gansey’s hair once more. “I think it sounds like fun.”“Adam?” Gansey turned to him. “Um.” Adam wracked his brain for a diplomatic response and tried not to wince as Ronan kicked him under the table. “I think as long as they promise to keep it under control, it should be okay. Fun, I mean.”Gansey let loose a deep sigh. “Okay, fine.” Noah, Ronan, and Blue cheered, but Gansey cut them off to add, “But not too many people. I will not be responsible for cleanup, and if any of my books or artifacts get destroyed, I will be very, very disappointed in all of you.”“Ooooo,” Ronan teased, leaning forward and slapping Gansey’s cheek lightly. “Disappointed? I’m so scared.”
* * * Saturday rolled around quickly, and Adam found himself surprisingly excited for the party. In the past, he’d only ever been to two parties, both thrown by people from his old school. At the first one, Blue had drank three beers and thrown up on his sneakers, and at the second one, he’d made out with the one and only gay boy in school. They’d both been memorable but largely unpleasant experiences, and he was hoping to make more memorable and more pleasant experiences at this one. He knew the rest of the group would all be at Monmouth early setting up for the party, but Adam had a shift he couldn’t trade away that didn’t get done until ten, which meant he’d be showing up fashionably late. By the time he left the factory, he was feeling less tired than usual, buzzing a little bit with anticipation. He popped back home first to quickly shower and change before hopping into his tri-colored monstrosity of a car and heading over to Monmouth. When he got there, the parking lot was significantly more crowded than he’d ever seen it before, despite all of Noah's talk of just a few people. As Adam went inside and up to the main floor, he was immediately overwhelmed by the smell of beer and the sound of loud music. The main floor of Monmouth was large but also packed with people. Gansey’s bed and the couch had been pushed into separate corners, and the pieces of his model of Henrietta had been disassembled and shoved beneath the bed. Nothing looked broken or destroyed, but it was definitely more crowded, loud, and rowdy than Adam had expected. He raked his eyes across the room trying to find Ronan but instead, he caught sight of Gansey and Blue. She was sitting on his lap in a big armchair, her legs slung across his waist and a red solo cup clutched in her hand. They seemed to be playing some drinking game with a few members of the Aglionby crew team, and Gansey was laughing above the rim of his own cup. Adam found himself grinning. All of Gansey’s complaining, and look at him now. Adam kept looking through the room until finally he spotted Ronan standing against the back wall, but when he saw who he was talking to, Adam’s stomach dropped. There were lots and lots of people that Adam disliked, but there were very few that he really hated. Hate was a heavy emotion, one that required a degree of investment and interest that Adam typically lacked. He disliked most of the other boys at Aglionby, but he only hated one. Joseph Kavinsky was everything that Adam loathed about people wrapped up into one disgusting person. He was rich, wasteful, disrespectful, and offensive. Adam hated the way Kavinsky destroyed fancy toys just to buy new ones. He hated the way he squandered every opportunity and privilege he’d been given. He hated the way he talked to people at school, and the way he talked to people outside of school. He hated the way he would casually call people faggots, and the way he looked at Blue’s chest when she brought him his pizza at Nino’s. And he hated the way Kavinsky was currently looking at his boyfriend.Adam knew that Kavinsky and Ronan knew each other from the street racing thing, but he’d never thought anything more about their relationship. He hadn’t thought they even had a relationship, really, but looking at them now, he was starting to think he’d been wrong. Kavinsky was leaned in close to Ronan, a slimy smile on his face while he spoke. Ronan’s face was impassive, but Adam could see an undernote of tension in the way he held his body. Kavinsky said something else and then laughed, but Ronan held his eyes while he said something tersely back. The whole interaction looked charged and uncomfortable, but conveyed a level of familiarity that Adam hadn’t been prepared for. He didn’t like it.Before he knew it, Adam’s feet were moving, and then he was standing right in front of them. Ronan and Kavinsky both noticed at the same moment, and Kavinsky barked out a laugh before saying, “Adam Fucking Parrish. Didn’t know you socialized with the masses.”“What are you doing here, Kavinsky?” he asked rudely. He wanted to be rude. He wanted Kavinsky to go away. Kavinsky raised a brow and smiled again, his lips thin and his teeth yellow. “Can't a guy just be here to party? Saw your girlfriend sitting on Dick’s lap, by the way. Saw her with Czerny the other day, too. Glad to know you guys are having fun passing her around.”Adam’s jaw clenched and he felt his hands tighten into fists at his sides. Hate, hate, hate coursed through his veins. It was moments like this where he truly understood his father and his violent tendencies; maybe Adam wasn’t so different from him after all, because all he could think about was how pleasant it would be to break Kavinsky’s nose. Before Adam could reply, Ronan pushed himself off the wall and said, “Time for you to leave.” “What? No judgment! She’s hot in a tiny tits kind of–”“Seriously, man, get the fuck out of my house,” Ronan spat, his words cold as ice. Kavinsky turned and looked at him before smiling again, even creepier and more manic-looking this time. “Fine.” He raised one hand up in the shape of a gun, pointed it at Ronan’s head, and then mock pulled the trigger. “See you on the streets.” Then he slipped through the crowd and out the door. Adam stood tensely for several moments, breathing through the lingering anger and discomfort. Ronan stood there too, looking no less uncomfortable. Finally, Adam said, “What the hell did he want?” Ronan rolled his eyes. “Kavinsky never wants anything. He just likes to cause trouble.” There was something about the pink flush of the tips of Ronan’s ears and the way he tightened his jaw that told Adam he was lying, at least partially. He bit down hard on the instinct to jump down Ronan’s throat and demand what it was Kavinsky was doing here and what he wanted with Ronan. Adam didn’t like feeling like this. Frustration he was used to, but this was something different. This felt a whole lot like jealousy, and Adam had very little experience being jealous. He wasn’t sure how to handle or diffuse it, so instead he just let it simmer in his gut and burn his throat, but he kept the words repressed. “Let’s leave,” Ronan said abruptly, startling Adam out of his own head. “I literally just got here, Ronan,” Adam sighed. “Who cares? Do you really want to stay?” If Adam was being honest, he didn’t. The first sight of Kavinsky had killed all of Adam’s buzz about the party, and now he was just left feeling swarmed and tired. He didn’t like the smell of alcohol caught in his nose and he didn’t like the music deafening his one good ear. What he wanted was to go somewhere less loud and less overwhelming where he could get his head back in sorts. “Fine,” he relented. “Let me go say happy birthday to Noah.” Ronan nodded. “I’ll meet you outside.” As Ronan walked away, Adam weaved his way through the crowd with his eyes peeled for Noah. He took a lap around the room, and when he didn’t spot him, he pushed his way over to Gansey and Blue. When Blue saw him, she shrieked his name and threw herself off Gansey’s lap and into Adam’s arms with a force that should have been impossible for a girl of her size. “Woah there, Blue-Blue,” he said through a laugh, holding her steady. “You doing okay?”“I’m fine,” she giggled. “Great. Excellent. Incredibleeee!”He laughed again. “Clearly.”It was then that Gansey seemed to notice Blue’s vacancy from his lap and Adam’s sudden appearance. “Adam Parrish!” he called merrily before repeating, “Adam Parrish! Adam Parrish!”“Yep, that’s my name. You can stop saying it now. Are you sure you guys haven’t had too much to drink?” Gansey waved a hand dismissively. “Nonsense. Jane and I are doing wonderfully.”“How many times do I have to tell you my name isn’t Jane?” Blue exclaimed, but she sounded amused instead of angry. Adam figured he was probably walking in on the extension of some inside joke between the two of them. “And how many times do I have to tell you that it could be?” Gansey replied. Before Blue could respond, Adam squeezed her gently and said, “Hey, have you seen Noah? I’m about to head out but I wanted to say happy birthday to him first.” Blue shook her head. “Not in a bit, but I’m sure he’s around here somewhere. Did you check his room?” Adam hadn’t checked his room, and he didn’t love the possibilities that Noah being in his room during his own party presented. Noah had been adamant about wanting this party, but there was no way of knowing for sure that it wouldn’t cause the symptoms of his PTSD to flare up and drive him into solitude. Adam hoped that wasn’t the case. “No, but I’ll look there.” Blue smiled at him then, something big and gooey and even brighter than her usual Adam smile, and the affection in it made him smile back. She brought one hand up to cup his cheek and dopily said, “I love you.”He chuckled. “I’m not sure you should be sayin’ that to me with your boyfriend sitting right there.” “Obviously I love him too. You know what I mean,” she scoffed. Adam knew what she meant. “Love you, too,” he said gently, pressing a quick kiss to her sweaty forehead and releasing her. “Gotta go. I’ll see y’all later.” As Blue sat back down in Gansey’s lap, Adam turned to him and added, “You got her, Gans?” “Of course,” Gansey replied, and despite his drunken exterior, it was clear that he meant it. It felt strange for Adam to leave somebody else to look after Blue; he’d been doing it alone for so long. But he knew that if anybody was up to the job, it was Gansey. “Tell Ronan I love him too!” Blue yelled after him as he started to walk away, and he couldn’t help from laughing once more. Adam weaved his way through the party for a bit longer, but when he still didn’t see Noah, he conceded that it was probably time to check his bedroom. Maybe he was just taking a breather; it didn’t necessarily mean anything was truly wrong. He rapped his knuckles on the door once in warning before turning the unlocked doorknob. “Hey, Noah, are you–Fuck!” Adam jumped back in shock, because Noah was in his bedroom, he just wasn’t alone. He was lying back on the bed, and their classmate Henry Cheng was leaning over him, both of them shirtless and connected at the lips. They startled at the same time Adam did and both turned to look at him, but Adam had barely caught their eyes before he was slamming the door shut. “Sorry!” he shouted through the door. “And happy birthday!” With that horrifying image burned into his mind, he headed back through the crowd and down the stairs into the parking lot. It was just as crowded as before, but this time all he noticed was the boy leaning casually against a charcoal gray BMW. As he walked over, Ronan raised an eyebrow inquisitively. “Everything okay?” “Um, well Blue and Gansey are trashed, and I’m pretty sure I just walked in on Noah hooking up with Henry Cheng.”“Cheng? Seriously?” Ronan said through a harsh laugh. “Oh, and Blue wanted me to tell you that she loves you.” Ronan snorted and reached into his pocket. He pulled out his car keys and tossed them into Adam’s hands. “Let’s get out of here.” * * * Ronan knew the party was going to be shit. He wasn’t interested in fucking around with his lame classmates, but he'd helped Noah convince Gansey because if anybody deserved to have what they wanted on their birthday, it was Noah. So even though he knew he'd have a bad time, he forced himself to suck it up and stick around. Adam wouldn't be showing up until later, and he knew that once he got there, the night would improve. He thought that anything could be improved by the mere fact of Adam Parrish’s presence. Blue and Gansey started drinking pretty much immediately, which was not what Ronan had been expecting. He'd seen Gansey drink before, but never this heavily, and it made him a tad happy and a lot amused. Gansey had been lighter since he and Blue had gotten together, and Ronan liked to see it. He liked to see Gansey acting like an actual teenager instead of a seventy-year-old man. And, yes, Ronan liked the maggot, even if he pretended not to. Noah, who was always the most genuinely friendly and popular of their group, had forced Ronan into a couple of shots and then slipped away as well, drinking and laughing loudly with the Vancouver crowd. Ronan had limited feelings on the Vancouver crowd, and he hadn't known they and Noah were on such good terms, but it seemed that they were. Sometimes, he was baffled at Noah’s extensive social battery when he was having a good day. And luckily, he seemed to be having a good day. So Ronan found himself leaning against a back wall nursing a shitty beer and feeling like that loser guy standing around sadly waiting for his boyfriend. Never mind the fact that he was standing around sadly waiting for his boyfriend, he still didn't like feeling like that guy. He checked his phone (something he rarely did) to see how much longer it would be before Adam showed up, and he was just composing a pissy hurry-up text when someone sidled up next to him. The smell of weed and sweat rushed over him, and he knew who it was going to be before he looked up. “What the fuck are you doing here, K?”“It's a party. I'm here to party,” Kavinsky drawled. “Nobody wants you here. Crawl home to your pack.” Ronan knew for a fact that nobody had invited Kavinsky, but he was unsurprised he'd crashed. Kavinsky had a talent for showing up places he wasn't wanted. Kavinsky laughed a cruel, cold laugh. “Man, you know you don't wanna be here any more than I do.”“If you don't want to be here, then fucking leave,” Ronan snapped “I'm here to collect. Tell Daddy Dick and trauma child goodbye and let’s go,” Kavinsky said, slurring his words in a way that told Ronan he was already far past sober. “I'm not going anywhere,” Ronan said through gritted teeth. Kavinsky smiled his gross, slimy smile and leaned close enough to him that Ronan could feel his body heat. “Come on, princess, you know you want to.”Ronan swallowed thickly, feeling sick to his stomach. “I don't want to go anywhere with you.”Revulsion was washing over him, but it was more for himself than it was for Kavinsky. The issue was that a couple months ago, it wouldn’t have been true. He would have wanted to go with him. He'd be bailing on his best friend’s birthday party to get drunk, race cars, and hook up with a guy he couldn't stand. Ronan had always felt sick after spending a night with Kavinsky, but it had never stopped him from doing it anyway. But things were different now. Now he had Adam, the person he wanted most in the world, and Kavinsky’s hands and lips were nothing but a fuzzy, distant memory. One he wished he could erase. Kavinsky laughed. “You and I both know that's a fucking lie.”Ronan held his eyes as he bit out, “I. Don't. Lie.”Kavinsky was opening his mouth to say more when the sound of footsteps interrupted them, and Ronan felt Adam’s presence wash over him like a soothing balm. He wanted to pull Adam to him and press his body against his own and kiss him until he felt truly drunk. He wanted to rinse away any traces of Kavinsky with Adam’s intoxicating presence. Kavinsky smiled and loudly said, “Adam Fucking Parrish. Didn't know you socialized with the masses.”Ronan watched as Adam narrowed his eyes and closed off his expression. “What are you doing here, Kavinsky?” “Can't a guy just be here to party?” Kavinsky said smugly before adding, “Saw your girlfriend sitting on Dick’s lap, by the way. Saw her with Czerny the other day, too. Glad to know you guys are having fun passing her around.”It was the right thing to say to get under Adam’s skin, and Ronan saw the heat flash in Adam’s eyes. He didn't like Kavinsky saying shit like that about Blue either, but it was more personal for Adam. Adam’s hands clenched into fists at his side, and Ronan knew it was time to intervene before this got out of hand. He pushed himself off the wall and said, trying to keep his voice level, “Time for you to leave.”“What? No judgment!” Kavinsky exclaimed, raising his hands in mock surrender. “She’s hot in a tiny tits kind of–”Ronan burned with a strange mixture of anger and shame. “Seriously, man, get the fuck out of my house.”“Fine,” Kavinsky said with a chilling smile. He held up his hand in the shape of a gun, aimed at Ronan’s head, and pulled the trigger. “See you on the streets.”When he walked away, Adam bit out, “What the hell did he want?”Ronan rolled his eyes, but he felt a fresh wave of shame roll over him. He didn't want to tell Adam about his and Kavinsky’s past. “Kavinsky never wants anything. He just likes to cause trouble.”Ronan could feel the hatred radiating off of Adam. He felt awkward and unmoored by Kavinsky’s presence, and he knew Adam was feeling the same. Maybe more, since he wasn't quite so used to K’s brand of bullshit. Suddenly, Ronan wanted out. Out of this place, out of this situation, out of anything that didn't involve Adam and him and a healthy dose of silence. “Let's leave.”Adam sighed. “I literally just got here, Ronan.”“Who cares? Do you really want to stay?”He worried for a moment that Adam was going to turn him down, but instead he said, “Fine. Let me go say happy birthday to Noah.”Ronan nodded. “I'll meet you outside.”He watched Adam disappear into the crowd, his stomach still feeling sour. He dropped his drink on the nearest flat surface and pushed his way outside, breathing in the fresh air until it made him feel marginally better. He looked around the parking lot uneasily, vacantly terrified that he'd see a white Mitsubishi. Terrified that Kavinsky would be waiting for him. Would think his coming outside was an expression of want. He breathed a heavy sigh of relief when he saw the car was gone. He leaned against the BMW and waited for Adam, letting himself sink further into the discomfort. Seeing Adam and Kavinsky together like that dredged up unpleasant parts of Ronan’s psyche. He couldn't help but wonder if Kavinsky was all he was good for. If Adam was just a pipe dream, and sooner or later he'd see just how much of a fuck up Ronan was and leave. When Adam came back down, most of the anger had dissolved from his face. Instead, he looked vaguely horrified. Ronan raised an eyebrow. “Everything okay?”“Um, well Blue and Gansey are trashed, and I’m pretty sure I just walked in on Noah hooking up with Henry Cheng.”A surprised laugh left Ronan’s mouth. That hadn't been on his bingo card. “Cheng? Seriously?”“Oh, and Blue wanted me to tell you that she loves you.”Ronan snorted and tossed his keys to Adam. He probably wasn't too drunk to drive, but he didn't want to risk it. Besides, he loved the way Adam looked driving his car. “Let's get out of here.”Adam caught the keys and the two of them hopped into the BMW, and Ronan relaxed a bit as he felt the engine purr. The speakers started playing some low electronica, and for once Adam didn't bitch about it. As he pulled out of the parking lot, Adam asked, “Where to?”Ronan just grunted. He wasn't sure. “St. Agnes? The Barns?”Ronan shook his head. He didn't want to go to a church–not feeling like this–and he didn't really want to go home, either. He felt wound up and slightly dirty, and he didn't want to taint the place he and Adam had first gotten together with that feeling. With a slight hum of understanding, Adam started driving out of town and up towards the mountains. They drove with just the sound of the music and the engine for a long while, Adam zipping around the curves boldly in a way that never failed to make Ronan’s abdomen tighten with arousal. When they reached a spot Ronan was familiar with, he said, “Pull off here. There's an overlook.”Adam did, parking the car on the side of a small cliff looking out on Henrietta. The two of them climbed out of the car and walked around to the front, leaning side by side on the hood. Ronan felt instantly better in the quiet, under the stars, Adam Parrish standing close enough to touch. They were silent until Adam suddenly said into the darkness, “Ronan, what was Kavinsky doing at the party?”Ronan’s chest tightened. “I don't want to talk about it.”Adam turned to him, his blue eyes burning even through the midnight sky. “What the hell am I supposed to think when you answer like that? Lying by omission is still lying, Lynch.”Ronan bit hard on the inside of his cheek, hard enough to draw blood. The metallic twang grounded him. But still, he stayed silent. Adam sighed deeply. “Were the two of you…” He trailed off, looking for the words. “Together? Before?”“God, no,” Ronan said quickly. “Of course not.”“But you hooked up, didn't you?”Ronan’s stomach rolled. He didn’t lie, so instead he didn't answer. The affirmation just wouldn't come out. He knew that Adam would be disgusted with him. He was disgusted with himself. His silence was answer enough, though, and Adam inhaled sharply. Adam’s voice was shockingly quiet when he said, “I know I don't have any reason to be upset. We weren't together then. But I am.”Ronan turned to look at him. “You're jealous?”Adam barked out a harsh laugh. “Of course I'm jealous. Wouldn't you be?” Of course Ronan would be. But he was generally a much more vindictive and pissy person than Adam. Adam’s voice was tense when he said, “But you two never–”“I already told you that you were my first,” Ronan growled. “I wouldn't fucking lie about that.”“I know.”“Then why the hell did you ask?”“I don't know.”They both were silent then until Ronan said, “He didn't matter. No one mattered. Not until you.”Adam held his eyes then, and Ronan watched them soften just a bit. He leaned forward and gently brushed his nose against Ronan's, and Ronan could feel his hot breath on his face. He longed to close the distance between them. To kiss away this uneasiness. Adam's eyes fluttered closed. “Tamquam.”“Alter idem,” Ronan answered, and then he did close the distance between them. The kiss was soft, just lips against lips. It was the two of them saying words that they didn't have the language for yet. I love you, Ronan thought. He had for so long. He wanted to tell him, but he couldn't. Not unless he knew Adam would say it back. Not when he could still so easily fuck this all up. Adam was the one to deepen the kiss, bringing his hands up to cup Ronan’s face and tug him closer. He parted his lips and slipped his tongue inside Ronan’s mouth, and Ronan couldn't help the deep moan that came out. Adam took that as encouragement to go further, sliding one hand to the back of Ronan’s skull and the other down the front of his chest, ghosting over his nipples until he settled at the place where Ronan’s skin met his jeans. Ronan felt himself panting into Adam’s mouth. Everything from the night was quickly dissolving, all thoughts of Kavinsky and shame and jealousy drifting away. His world narrowed to Adam’s lips, Adam’s hands, Adam’s body. When Adam reached down to cup Ronan’s growing erection, Ronan couldn't help but groan and grind up into his hand. Adam palmed him for a few seconds before breaking away to roughly say, “Get in the backseat.”Ronan–who usually never obeyed anyone on principle–obeyed so fast it was nearly comical. He hopped into the car and pushed the front seats all the way forward. Adam crawled in after him and settled down on Ronan’s lap, smashing their lips together again with heated intensity. He rolled his hips against Ronan’s, and they both gasped into each other’s mouths. Adam pulled away. He held Ronan's eyes. Ronan saw the moment Adam came to some decision. Finally, Adam said, “You're going to fuck me.”It wasn't a question. It wasn't even really a request. Because Adam knew Ronan inside and out. He knew what Ronan wanted. An embarrassing whine left Ronan’s lips. They'd had plenty of sex since that first time, but so far Ronan had always bottomed. It was just the roles they naturally fell into, and Ronan had zero cause for complaint. He loved the feeling of Adam fucking him, of the powerful way he drove his body into his, of the way he felt completely overwhelmed and possessed as it happened. But he had thought about what it would be like to switch. To top. To feel Adam surrounding him, tight and hot and unquestioningly perfect. So yes, Adam knew what Ronan wanted. “Yes,” Ronan said, but it came out more like a moan. They wasted no time stripping, even if it was difficult in the cramped backseat of the car. Once they were naked, Adam smugly said, “I know you've got supplies stashed in here somewhere.”Ronan rolled his eyes but reached forward to grab the small bottle of lube and box of condoms he'd left in the glove box. Adam knew him too well. Adam kissed him again and against his lips whispered, “Stupid car kink.”Ronan couldn't deny it. He totally had a car kink. “How do you want to do this?” Ronan asked. “I've been practicing,” Adam replied. Ronan quirked an eyebrow. “How exactly does one practice anal sex without having it?”Adam rolled his eyes. “I've been fingering myself, you idiot. Duh.”The mental image was enough to make Ronan’s cock swell even further, and he surged forward to capture Adam’s lips in another bruising kiss. “Show me,” he whispered. Adam did. And it was the most incredible thing Ronan had ever seen. It was hard for Ronan to help from the way they were squished in the backseat, so he let Adam open himself up while Ronan spent time worshiping every inch of his body. He raked his fingernails down Adam’s back, tweaked his nipples, stroked his cock. By the time Adam was gasping out “I’m ready ” he was already a shivering, moaning mess. Ronan wasn't feeling so different from that himself. Adam tore open a condom and slipped it onto Ronan’s length, and with a little bit of maneuvering, Adam managed to settle himself hovering over Ronan’s lap. Ronan took himself in hand to position them just right, and then Adam slowly began lowering down onto Ronan’s cock, and every remaining ounce of tension, frustration, and embarrassment he’d been feeling all night melted away. All Ronan could feel now was white-hot pleasure. Ronan had to fight to not start fucking up immediately, desperate to bury himself in the incredibly tight heat of Adam Parrish. Adam sunk down slowly, giving himself time to adjust, his eyes scrunched up and his cheeks flushed. When he finally reached the bottom, fully seated on Ronan’s lap, he let out a big breath. Ronan gritted his teeth in self-restraint but brought a hand up to gently stroke Adam’s cheekbone. “Okay?”“Need a sec. You're fucking big.”Ronan’s cock twitched involuntarily, and he and Adam both gasped in surprise. “Sorry, I didn't mean to–”Adam shut him up with a kiss. “You like hearing that? That you're big?”Ronan’s cock twitched again. “Yes,” he mumbled. “You're big,” Adam repeated, rolling his hips just a little bit, but enough to earn a groan from Ronan. “You're so fucking deep it's ridiculous. I can feel you everywhere.”“Adam,” Ronan whined. “Please, can I–”“Go,” Adam ordered, and who was Ronan to deny?Ronan thrust up into him, and Adam anticipated the movement by pushing his own hips down further. The combination was fucking phenomenal, and Ronan could feel himself already grinding up against Adam’s prostate. Adam yelped and looped his arms around Ronan’s neck like he was holding on for dear life, but then they both started moving again, still slow and steady. Ronan didn't want to go too fast yet. He wanted Adam to have plenty of time to adjust. The last thing he wanted was to hurt him. They did that for a bit, slow but deep thrusts, until Adam said, his voice low and gritty, “You can do better than that, Ronan.”Ronan’s brain whited out, and he bucked up harder than before, placing his hands on Adam’s hips so he could smash them together. Adam practically screamed, so Ronan did it again and again and again. “Faster,” Adam moaned. “Harder. Show me that I'm yours. Show me that I'm the only one that matters.”Ronan grunted and did as he asked, fucking him harder and faster. Letting his body do the talking. Letting his body tell Adam exactly what he'd said: that Adam was his. His and no one else's. That Adam was the only one that mattered, the only one that would ever matter. Each thrust said what he really wanted to say.
I love you. I love you. I love you.
He crashed their lips back together before groaning out, "Tamquam, Adam.”“Alter idem,” Adam replied quickly, and then repeated, “Alter idem. Alter idem.” Ronan could feel himself hurtling towards the bliss of release, but he needed Adam to come. He needed to feel that while buried inside of him. He reached down and took Adam’s cock in hand, earning a particularly impressive moan for his troubles. Adam was bouncing on his cock furiously while Ronan roughly stroked him off, and it was the most wonderful, incredible thing Ronan had ever seen. The most wonderful, incredible thing he'd ever felt. “So good,” Ronan found himself mumbling. “You feel so good. Taking me so well.”Adam moaned even louder and fucked down on him even harder. Interesting. “You like that, huh?” Ronan asked breathlessly. “Like hearing how good you are?” Adam just groaned in reply, and Ronan felt a surge of accomplishment wash over him. Adam had held the power this whole time, had been the one in control. This felt like a place to win some of that back, and Ronan discovered that he quite liked the feeling. He pressed a wet, sloppy kiss to the spot just below Adam’s ear, and he could feel his pulse fluttering against his lips. He scraped his teeth against the skin and felt Adam’s whole body shudder. “Good boy,” he growled. And with that, Adam tightened around him so hard Ronan saw stars. His cock swelled in Ronan's hand before shooting hot ropes of come across Ronan’s chest. Adam stayed bouncing on him the whole time, his mouth open in a silent scream and his eyes scrunched closed. It only took a few more seconds for Ronan to follow him off the cliff, pulsing into the condom and groaning into Adam’s neck. Ronan felt Adam twitch with aftershocks before settling on his lap, not pulling off Ronan’s cock even as it began to go soft. Ronan knew that was probably a bad idea, but he couldn't be bothered to care. He wrapped his arms around Adam’s waist and kept him held tight against his chest. He never wanted to let Adam go. “Tamquam,” Adam said quietly. “Alter idem.”They stayed like that for a very long time, skin pressed against skin and souls pressed against souls. As close as humanly possible, and still not close enough.
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
“Spring breaks loose, but so does fear.”
-Ivy, Taylor Swift
Adam was learning to love Sundays. He’d never had particularly strong feelings about them before. The Parrish family wasn’t religious, which meant when he was a kid, there was nothing special about Sundays besides another weekend day off from school. When he got older, Adam always picked up extra shifts on Sundays, since most of his coworkers preferred to be home with their families. Sundays had always been a functional day–one filled with catching up on homework and working enough hours to have more free time during the week. Nowadays, his Sundays looked a little different. Ronan Lynch had been raised Catholic, which meant that even if he spent his whole week sinning, he dragged himself into St. Agnes Catholic Church each Sunday morning without fail. After Mass, Ronan always found his way up the stairs at the back of the church and into Adam Parrish’s shitty little apartment, where Adam would be waiting for him. This new routine was quickly turning what used to be a dreary, mindless day into one that Adam looked forward to all week long. The first time had been a happy accident. Adam had traded his Sunday shift at the factory for a Friday afternoon one when one of his friendlier coworkers had been looking for the day off to spend with his daughter on her birthday. He’d casually mentioned the switch to Ronan the day before, but he’d still been surprised at the knock on his door not five minutes after Sunday Mass finished up. Adam had no sooner opened the door than Ronan had ripped off his poorly done tie and dropped to his knees on the hardwood floor, taking Adam into his mouth with startling intensity. It was the fastest Adam had ever come in his life. After that performance, he started rearranging to get Sunday off every week. The Adam Parrish of six months ago would be horrified at this Adam Parrish’s cavalier attitude towards work, willingly taking more time off just so he could spend a few extra hours wrapped up with his boyfriend. But that Adam Parrish’s priorities were starting to get slowly scrambled as the end of senior year loomed closer and closer. His tuition for Aglionby had been fully paid off, college applications had been submitted, acceptances had rolled in along with financial aid packages, which meant that for the first time in his life, Adam had a buffer zone. He had time and savings and options. Fucking options. This was what it all had been about. It had been about changing his fate, stopping himself from becoming his father, giving himself the opportunities he so desperately wanted, since nobody was going to give them to him by choice. And at the end of the day, it worked. Adam had acceptances from several high-ranking colleges, spread far and wide across the United States. He could go to Boston, or New York, or San Francisco. Or I could stay here in Virginia, he reminded himself. He’d never planned on applying to any colleges even remotely close to home. But as the date came to send off the last of his applications, he found himself warily pulling up the application for the University of Virginia and filling it out. It will make Blue happy, he told himself. In-state tuition will be cheaper, he told himself. Ronan is staying here, and this is the only way I could stay close to him, he did not tell himself. He didn’t even let himself think of it. He kept that train of thought buried deep in the back of his mind, vowing to deal with it at a later, more pressing time. He was starting to reach that time. When he’d applied, things had still been so early; they’d barely even been together at the time. The thought of making a choice for his future involving a boy he’d only just gotten involved with seemed ludicrous to ever-logical Adam. But now things were different. Now it’d been long enough. Now he was in too deep. He was woefully, unwaveringly in love with Ronan Lynch, and despite his best efforts, the thought of moving to the other side of the country from him was sounding more and more difficult by the day. But he kept that buried. He knew that now wasn’t the time to be making decisions with his heart instead of his head. He needed to remain practical, and weigh the choices and options before him. He needed to not let Ronan be a factor in this choice, even if that was starting to feel fairly impossible to do. Ronan knew about all the other schools Adam had gotten into, since he’d been there when Adam told the rest of the group, but Adam had managed to keep UVA a secret. From all of them, and not just Ronan. He didn’t want to get anybody’s hopes up, or create a situation where someone was trying to convince him of what the best choice was. So he kept quiet about that final option. The one he’d never thought to even have on the table. They didn’t talk about it. They didn’t talk about the places Adam could go, or what they would do when the time finally came that it was unavoidable. Sometimes, it seemed like neither Adam nor Ronan was prepared for that conversation. For the things that it entailed. But no matter how much mental strife it gave him, it was a good thing, Adam reminded himself. He had options. Choices. He could take a damn Sunday off if he so pleased. Life was good.Usually, Adam would already be up for hours by the time Ronan got done with Mass. He’d heat himself up some Fox Way leftovers and get a jump on his homework for the week, desperately trying to ignore the pounding in his heart that quickened with every minute closer to when Ronan would come up those stairs. But that Sunday, Adam let himself sleep. He hadn’t set an alarm the night before after getting home from a particularly long and brutal shift at Boyd’s, and so he was still drifting in and out of slumber as the church bells rang to signal the end of Mass. He was hovering on the line of wakefulness and sleep when he heard the tell-tale scuff of Ronan’s shoes on the stairs, and the unmistakable click of a lock turning. Adam let a gooey smile come to his face, beyond pleased at himself for giving Ronan his spare key, since it now meant he didn’t have to haul himself out of bed to let him in. Adam pulled himself up to rest on his elbows and wiped the sleep out of his eyes as Ronan came through the door, immediately kicking off his shoes and pulling off his tie. Neither of them spoke while Ronan quickly slipped out of his nice church clothes until he was just in his boxers and climbed beneath the sheets of the bed, wrapping his whole body around Adam’s. He sighed deeply against Adam’s neck and tightened his limbs, arms around Adam’s chest and legs around his waist. “You okay?” Adam asked, running his hand up the ridge of Ronan’s spine.“Why the fuck wouldn’t I be okay?” Ronan shot back. Adam chuckled. “Well, you’re kind of acting like a koala, which doesn’t fit your typical ‘I’m a big bad scary street racer’ aesthetic.”“Shut your face, Parrish,” Ronan mumbled halfheartedly. “I’m not saying I don’t like Koala Ronan. I’m just saying you can tell me if something happened.” He stroked his hand up and down Ronan’s spine again before settling it on the back of his warm skull. Ronan stayed silent for several moments, but then exasperatedly huffed, “Declan wants you to come over for dinner.”Adam paused. That was not what he’d been expecting. Declan said something obnoxious, Declan gave me a lecture, or Declan gave me shit about not going to college again he’d all been prepared to deal with, but Declan wants you to come over for dinner was not a possibility Adam had foreseen.Adam had never met Declan Lynch, since he graduated from Aglionby before Adam transferred in, but he’d heard plenty enough about him from Gansey and Noah to know that the two of them most likely wouldn't get along. Adam didn’t doubt that Declan had made many of the choices he had for the good of his family, but he also knew how badly some of those choices had hurt Ronan. And at the end of the day, Ronan was the one that he cared about. “Um, okay,” Adam finally replied. “Why?”“Because he’s a control freak,” Ronan scoffed. “He wants to micromanage everything, including our relationship, apparently.”“So do you not want me to?” Ronan paused again, and Adam could feel the warm puff of his breath against his skin. “He’s just going to keep giving me shit about it until you do,” he finally said with another huff, the noise somewhere between exhausted and annoyed. He burrowed his head in further to Adam’s neck and added, his voice much quieter, “Besides, it might be nice for you to really meet Matthew.”A small smile spread across Adam’s face. He knew Matthew a little bit from school, but there was something strangely wholesome about Ronan’s desire for him to meet his little brother for real. Adam, who had no family of his own that he had any desire to introduce Ronan to, could still appreciate the significance of introducing a partner to one’s family. It made this all feel much more permanent.“Okay, so I’ll come over for dinner,” Adam replied after a beat. “When?”“Tonight.”“Tonight?” Adam asked, his voice suddenly squeaky and his eyebrows raising up into his hairline. “Yeah, they’re staying at the Barns tonight. So dinner. I guess,” Ronan said stiltedly, still vaguely shoving his head into the crook of Adam’s neck. “If you want,” he added, and his voice was shockingly quiet and soft. Adam couldn’t help from smiling again. “I want.” He wasn’t sure if he did want exactly. Adam had never been particularly good at meeting new people, and he was slightly embarrassed at how nervous the idea of being introduced to Ronan’s brothers made him. He didn’t necessarily want to go eat an awkward meal with them, but what he did want was to make Ronan happy. To give him what he wanted. And Adam could tell by Ronan’s surprisingly abashed exterior that this was something he wanted, at least in some way. So, yes, Adam wanted, too. “Okay,” Ronan replied with a little yawn, finally unwinding his body from around Adam’s and turning on his side so he could look Adam in the eyes. “I don’t want to talk about this anymore. I want to suck your dick now.”“By all means,” Adam laughed. “Don’t let me stop you.”
* * * Ronan had a sinking feeling that this was going to be a disaster, even as he hopelessly wished that it wouldn’t be. Matthew would be fine, he knew. Like Noah, Matthew typically got along with everyone, and everyone got along with him. He knew without a shadow of a doubt that he and Adam would get along perfectly well. Declan was the issue, of course. Ronan didn’t understand why Declan even wanted to meet Adam. Declan had dated plenty of boring, blonde girls over the past few years, none of which he’d brought home for a family dinner. Ronan couldn’t help but think that there must have been some ulterior motive baked into the invitation. Declan never did anything without some ulterior motive. Ronan let Adam drive to the Barns, simply because he loved the look of Adam behind the wheel of his BMW. Just the familiar, thrilling sight of it let Ronan relax just a bit. While they drove, the sun began to slowly dip below the horizon, painting the sky in a magnificent sunset of orange and pink, the colors bouncing off the sharp lines of Adam’s face. Ronan ached to tell him that he was beautiful, but words had never been Ronan’s strong suit, so instead he reached across the center console and wrapped his hand around Adam’s thigh. He hoped the act of simple contact would convey what he was feeling. When they pulled into the driveway of the Barns, Declan’s boring Volvo was pulled into Ronan’s usual spot, and Ronan fought down the wave of resentment that crashed over him at the sight. He knew it was ridiculous to be bothered by something so inane, but it bothered him anyway. As they climbed out of the car, Ronan snuck a glance at Adam, and he could see that his jaw was tight and there was a little furrow between his brows. Both tell-tale signs that he was thinking too hard. “It’s going to be fucking fine, Parrish,” he said, wincing a little at how snappy the words came out. “I know, Lynch,” Adam snapped back, but his tone was still too full of nerves to convey actual annoyance.The two of them had yet to make it to the front stairs before Matthew was wrenching open the door and bounding across the porch to them. He had a gleeful look in his eyes, the dying sunlight tangling in his golden curls. He looked so happy that you would have thought it’d been weeks since he last saw Ronan rather than just a few hours. But Matthew was always like that. Full of unbridled happiness and joy, and always, always happy to see Ronan. “Hey, you guys made it!” he said, hopping down the last step to meet Ronan and Adam where they stood. Like he had a thousand times before, he automatically spread his arms open in silent request for a hug, and like a thousand times before, Ronan obliged. Ronan was not typically a hugger, but he always made an exception for Matthew. He ruffled Matthew’s hair as he pulled away and was more surprised than he should have been when Matthew turned his thousand-watt smile on Adam and immediately pulled him into a tight embrace. Adam made a startled sound but then awkwardly brought his hands up to hug Matthew back. He shot Ronan a slightly frightened look over Matthew’s head and Ronan just snorted in response. When Matthew finally released Adam, he cheerily said, “Come on! Declan is trying to make Mom’s shepherd’s pie recipe and it's going awful!”When they went inside, Ronan saw that Declan was trying to make their mother’s shepherd’s pie, and it was going pretty awful. All three Lynch brothers had grown up comfortable in the kitchen, but Declan was clearly out of practice. He had about three different pans going that he was anxiously flicking between, and there was a healthy dose of sweat rolling down his forehead. Ronan couldn’t stop from laughing derisively as they walked into the room.Declan didn’t even look up from the pan he was stirring to say, “Ronan and Adam. Hello.” Ronan didn’t bother replying, but Adam politely returned his hello. “It’s nice to finally meet the person responsible for getting Ronan to actually go to school more than twice a week.” Declan moved his pan off the burner and wiped his hands and brow with a kitchen towel, coming forward to shake Adam’s hand. “And no need to tell me that you’re happy to meet me, since I’m sure my brother has made plenty sure that you aren’t.”Ronan was impressed at how impassive Adam managed to keep his face. He just shook Declan’s hand and replied, “Alright then,” with a neutral smile, and Ronan thought he’d perhaps never loved him more than in that moment.While Declan finished up cooking, Ronan, Matthew, and Adam went out to the back of the house to kick a soccer ball around the field. Completely unperturbed by Declan’s low hostility, Matthew was just happy to have an opportunity to spend any extended amount of time with Ronan and his boyfriend. He pestered Adam with silly questions about his job at Boyd’s and monologued on about his classes at school, but Adam took it all in stride, being as polite as always. Ronan was just thinking that everything was going far better than expected when Declan called them in for dinner. Although the process may have been messy, the shepherd’s pie came out perfectly edible, and Declan seemed much more composed now that the meal was cooked and the table laid. He and Matthew sat on one side of the table, and Adam and Ronan on the other. Ronan gave Adam’s thigh a firm and hopefully reassuring squeeze as they all began to dig in. Matthew chattered again for a bit, but then Declan cleared his throat and said, “So, Adam, I would assume unlike Ronan, you are actually going to college?” There was a slight barb to his words. A challenge, but Ronan didn’t know if it was for him or for Adam. “Yes,” Adam replied simply. “And do you know where you’re going yet?”Adam paused, and Ronan saw his eyes quickly shoot down to his lap before turning back to Declan. “I’m still picking from a few different options, but right now I’m leaning towards Harvard.”Ronan tried to ignore the way his gut twisted at Adam’s words. It happened every single time college was mentioned. The issue of course was that he and Adam hadn’t talked about it. At all, really. Ronan knew that they needed to at some point; graduation was getting closer and closer by the minute, and with it came the impending knowledge that Adam would be gone in just a few months. It didn’t matter that Ronan had known this when they got together, it all felt completely different now. Now, losing Adam would be like losing a limb. The knowledge that their time together was rapidly dwindling down made Ronan angrier and sadder than he could properly verbalize. And he sure as hell wasn’t going to try here at dinner, in front of Declan and Matthew. “Harvard,” Declan said with a nod. “That’s very impressive.”Adam shrugged modestly. “I’m very lucky.”Ronan snorted. Luck had nothing to do with it. Adam had fought tooth and nail for every opportunity that he had. He had never in his life relied on chance. Declan looked at Ronan pointedly, but Ronan caught the way Adam subtly smirked and tapped his foot against Ronan’s underneath the table. Matthew, oblivious as always, cherrily said through a mouth of food, “Adam’s like a living legend at Aglionby. All the teachers are, like, in love with him.” Ronan kicked him under the table and said, “Close your fucking mouth while you chew.”“Language,” Declan chirped, but there was nothing but vague disinterest in his tone. He’d given up on really trying to parent Ronan a long time ago, but that didn’t stop him from pretending to still give a damn when the moment presented itself. Ronan lazily flipped him off in response, and that time all Declan could manage was a sigh. The rest of the dinner passed with minimal incident. Declan didn’t ask any more questions about college, which Ronan was more thankful for than he’d ever admit, and the feel of Adam’s hand resting on his thigh kept him more relaxed than he usually was when in the presence of both his brothers. After they ate and cleaned up, the two of them made a break to leave, but Declan caught them at the last second, leaning his hand against the front door and effectively blocking them in. Ronan’s mood flared, a combination of general dislike towards his older brother and particular dislike of feeling caged in. He bit back the instinct to throw a punch. It’d been a long time now since fights between him and Declan got physical, but the urge was always still there, to answer every challenge with a fist. “What?” he bit out. “I thought you could stay the night with us,” Declan said.“I have to drive Adam back,” Ronan replied, the excuse rolling off his tongue quick as lightning. “He’s welcome to stay as well.” Declan’s smile and voice were shockingly pleasant. “That’s very kind, but I have some homework I still have to get to, and I have a shift before school tomorrow morning,” Adam politely responded. “You could take Ronan’s car.”“I have school tomorrow, dingbat.” Ronan rolled his eyes.Declan kept his hand firmly planted on the door. “I’ll be driving Matthew there anyway before I head back to DC. It’s no trouble.”Ronan and Adam exchanged a wary glance. The Ronan of a year ago would be smacking Declan in the face and storming the fuck out. The Ronan of today wanted to do that anyway, but also knew that Declan wasn’t really asking, but was demanding, and that sometimes, it was easier to just give into his demands. Besides, it wasn’t really any skin off his nose to stay the night at the Barns, was it? Whatever the hell it was that Declan wanted with him, he could just get it out of the way now and move on with his life. “Fine,” he gritted out. With a slightly triumphant smile, Declan finally removed his hand from the door and let Ronan and Adam pass. When they got out on the porch, Ronan slid the door shut behind them and fished his keys out of his pocket for Adam. “What do you think he wants?” Adam asked with a pointed look back towards the house. “God fucking knows, but I’m sure he’s about to make it my problem,” Ronan replied dismissively. “You don’t really have to stay if you don’t want to,” Adam said seriously. “You could just come back with me.”Ronan scoffed and rolled his eyes. “Do I ever do anything that I don’t want to do?”It wasn’t a lie, really, because Ronan didn’t lie, but it was only a sort of truth. Nowadays, it felt like Ronan did plenty of things he didn't entirely want to do. This exact thing might not be something Ronan really wanted, but it wasn’t abhorrent enough to be worth the fight. He was getting better at learning how to pick his battles when it came to his older brother. Adam just rolled his eyes in reply, but then leaned forward to drag Ronan into a kiss, soft and gentle. When he broke away he quietly said, “I’ll see you at school tomorrow. Don’t kill anyone in the meantime.” “No promises,” Ronan replied, and then he watched Adam get in the driver’s seat of the BMW and pull away from the house. He waited on the porch until the brake lights were no longer visible and he could no longer hear the low hum of the engine. When he went back inside, he expected Declan to be waiting to pounce on him, so he was surprised to find the entryway empty. Cautiously, he peered around, but when he still didn’t see or hear him, he shrugged, went into the kitchen, grabbed a bottle of beer, and went out to the back porch to wait. It didn’t take very long for Declan to finally make his appearance. Ronan was halfway through his bottle when he heard the door slide open and his brother walk out. He made his way over to the stairs where Ronan sat and leaned on the railing across from him. Ronan took another sip from his beer and then said, “What is it?”“What is what?”“Whatever the hell it is you wanted to say to me so badly that you’re making me sleep here and wake up at the asscrack of dawn to get to school on time tomorrow,” Ronan said between sips. “Are you going to try to tell me all the things that are wrong with him? That he somehow didn’t pass one of your stupid tests?”“No,” Declan said after a beat. “I don’t think there’s anything wrong with him. He seems very…impressive.”“Impressive,” Ronan echoed with a laugh. That word again. That was one way to put it.Declan fell silent again, but even without looking at him, Ronan could tell that he was holding his breath. That he was thinking. Waiting. “Spit it out,” he hissed. “Whatever you want to say, just fucking spit it out.”Declan heaved a big sigh. “I’d like to know what it is you think you’re doing with him.”Ronan laughed in surprise, and it sounded cruel even to his own ears. “What the hell does it look like I’m doing with him?”“He’s leaving, Ronan.” Something about Declan’s callous words felt like a slap to the face, and Ronan wanted to recoil from the sensation. He didn’t know why Declan was saying this, or what he thought he was accomplishing by this conversation at all. He was opening his mouth to argue when Declan beat him to the punch and kept going:“I know you don’t want to go to college. I have…accepted that.” Ronan snorted. Tolerated was more correct, and barely even that. “But that boy is. He’s going to Harvard, or Princeton, or Yale, or some other impressive place and he’s not going to come back.” “You don’t know anything about him,” Ronan managed to bite out. “I do, Ronan. I’ve seen a thousand of his type. So believe me when I say that I know how this is going to end.” The familiar rush of anger pumped through Ronan’s veins, and he felt his hand curling into a fist. “Why are you telling me this?”“Because despite what you may think, I actually care about you.” Declan smiled a sad little smile. “And I don’t want you to get hurt because you got yourself all involved with someone who’s leaving. Someone who’s so…different from you.”Ronan heard different, but he knew what Declan really meant was better. And he wanted to argue, but that point was a bit too unarguable. Adam was better than him. In every way. And Ronan knew that. But something about Declan knowing it too–Declan saying it–stung a bit more than he’d expected. “I don’t really remember asking for your opinion.”“No, you didn’t. You never do.” Declan sighed again. “But I’m giving it anyway, because this is important. You know what I’m saying is true. And I think it’s about time you started thinking about what that means.”And with that, Declan turned on his heels and strolled back into the house, leaving Ronan on the porch with nothing but his warming beer and his pounding heart. Ronan tried to take another sip, but it just tasted sour now. His head felt like it was swimming, and he placed the bottle down on the step with suddenly shaky hands. Of all the things he’d expected Declan to say to him, it hadn’t been that. He would never have expected that misplaced attempt at affection. He hadn’t realized Declan had it in him.
Despite what you may think, I actually care about you.
Declan was a liar, but Ronan knew deep down that that was the truth. Declan thought he was helping. He thought Ronan needed some kind of protection. From Adam. Protection from Adam? That was ridiculous. Adam was the best thing in Ronan’s life. Adam was…He was Ronan’s everything.
He’s leaving. And he’s not going to come back.
The words felt like a knife to the chest, more so because Ronan knew they were true. In fact, the more he thought about it, the more all of Declan’s words felt true. Yes, Adam was going to college and Ronan was not. Yes, Adam was leaving, going somewhere far away, and Ronan was not. Yes, Adam had always said that he wanted to get out. That he didn’t want to stay anywhere near Henrietta. That he wasn’t coming back.Yes, Adam was too good for Ronan. He was impressive, and Ronan was decidedly not. Yes, Adam would go to college, meet someone else who was impressive, and then he would never come home again. Never come home to Ronan again. Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes. He’d known this was coming. But he’d avoided it, shoved his worries and fears underneath his bed and pretended they didn’t exist. But Declan had just dragged them all out into daylight. Even worse than that, Declan had confirmed that all of his worries and fears were legitimate. That they were true. And maybe at the end of the day, Declan was right. Maybe Ronan did need protection from Adam. Protection from all of the ways Adam could destroy him. All the ways he would destroy him when these things came to pass. Ronan dropped his head into his hands and cursed under his breath. His stomach suddenly felt like it was in knots, and his chest felt too tight, like it was squeezing his lungs and his heart into silence. For a few harsh minutes, waves of anxiety and sadness crashed over him with an intensity that they hadn’t in a very long time, and by the time they finished, Ronan had come to a shaky, unpleasant decision. And then he felt nothing but emptiness. * * * Ronan wasn’t in first-period Latin the next morning. That was not, in general, cause for concern. Ronan had been coming to school more frequently since he and Adam had become a couple, but he still skipped much more often than Adam thought was wise. So in theory, Ronan’s empty seat next to his shouldn’t be anything more than a passing thought, but something in Adam’s gut was needling him. He knew Declan had in fact dropped him off that morning, since the BMW was gone from the St. Agnes parking lot by the time Adam got home from his morning shift. All Adam could think was that Declan had said or done something bad enough last night that Ronan was hiding from school in retaliation. Once again, not technically cause for concern (since Declan said and did things to bother Ronan all the time), but Adam was feeling slightly concerned anyway.He caught hold of Noah in the hallway and asked, “Did Ronan come home this morning?”“Oh, uh, I wasn’t there this morning,” Noah replied, his cheeks suddenly flushing bright pink. “I, um, slept at Litchfield last night.”Ah, Adam had forgotten that Noah now spent practically half his nights at Litchfield House with Henry Cheng, his new almost-boyfriend. That left him useless on this front. Adam breezed through the rest of his morning classes, but struggled to completely banish the minor touch of concern in the back of his mind. Something was off, and he could feel it. Spidey-senses, he heard Blue whisper in his deaf ear. At lunch, he plopped down in his seat across from Gansey and asked, “Did Ronan come home this morning? He slept at the Barns but Declan was supposed to take him back.”Gansey swallowed thickly, his Adam’s apple bobbing in his throat. “He did.”“Then why isn’t he at school?”“I’m, um, honestly not too sure. All he said was that he was going back to the Barns,” Gansey replied with a half-hearted shrug. “And he asked me to tell you that he’d like you to come by tonight. After your shift at Boyd’s.”Adam’s heart did a little somersault in his chest. “O–okay.” He didn't know why that made him so nervous. But it did. It really, really did. “Did he seem okay?” Adam asked. Gansey shrugged again. “He’s come back from fights with Declan seeming much, much worse. But he did seem a little…off.”“So you think they fought?” “That would be my guess.” With a huff, Adam dug into his lunch. He just had to make it through the rest of the school day and his shift at Boyd’s, and then he could go check on Ronan. He could go see what the hell was going on, and ease this itching beneath his skin. Ease this goddamn anxiety. The rest of the day passed in a boring blur of classes he didn’t really care about and cars he didn’t really care to be working on. The sun had gone down by the time he finished up at Boyd’s, and he didn’t bother to go home to change before hopping in his car and making his way to the Barns. He didn’t want to delay this any longer than necessary. He wanted answers and reassurance, and he wanted them now. When Adam pulled up to the Barns, Declan’s Volvo was gone, but the BMW was parked in its usual spot, just like Adam had expected. He let himself into the unlocked house, and came around to the living room. When he didn’t see Ronan there, he faintly called out his name, but there was no answer. Adam combed his way through the rest of the house, but Ronan was nowhere to be found. Finally, he caught a glimpse of a light out in the fields.When he slipped out the back door and headed off the porch, he could see Ronan out a distance away in the far field, lantern by his feet as he chopped firewood. As Adam walked up to him, he felt the back of his neck tingle. “Hey,” he called when he got close. “You weren’t at school.”Ronan just grunted in response and tossed another piece of wood on the block. He didn’t even glance up at Adam. Adam could barely even think over the growing storm in his head, but he finally managed to awkwardly say, “Gansey said you wanted to see me.”Ronan chopped the wood and then tossed the pieces to the side before putting down his ax. Only then did he look up at Adam, and when he did, Adam could see a strange coldness in his eyes. Ronan had held a lot of emotions in those eyes before–anger, fear, desire, joy–but now they looked empty and devoid.And then, with his cold eyes on Adam and the darkness surrounding them, Ronan said, “This isn’t going to work.” Adam suddenly felt frozen. “What?”Ronan just looked at him and then carefully repeated, “This. Isn’t. Going. To. Work.”“What isn’t going to work?” “This.”Adam knew what he was saying, but every cell in his body was rejecting the idea. He couldn’t ask what Ronan meant, because he knew, and he didn’t want to say those words. He didn’t want to put them into the air between them. “Why?” he forced out.Ronan just shrugged, the perfect picture of disinterest. “It just isn't, Parrish.”Every time Ronan spoke was like being punched in the gut. Adam could barely breathe. “What changed? What happened?” Adam asked, the questions coming out quick like a rush. He was so confused, and like always, he was clinging to his desperate need for answers. He needed to know. He needed an explanation. “Nothing changed. I just see things how they are now,” was what Ronan replied. And suddenly Adam understood.His eyes narrowed and his expression hardened. “What did he say to you?”Ronan nearly flinched, but he didn’t ask who. They both knew who Adam was talking about. “What did he say?” Adam repeated. “What did he tell you to convince you to do this?”“He didn’t convince me of anything,” Ronan growled. “You’re lying.” “I don’t lie.” “Ronan,” Adam said, but it came out more like a plea. He took a desperate step towards him. “I don’t know what he said to you, but whatever it was, it wasn’t true. However the hell he got in your head, it wasn’t true. Okay? You don’t need to do this.” Ronan stepped backward away from him. “You have no idea what I need.” With every second, Adam could see Ronan closing off even more. He was shutting him out. Any moment there’d be nothing left. “Please, Ronan,” Adam said finally. He hated to beg. He’d never begged for anything in his life, but he would do it now if that was what it would take to save this. “Please don’t do this. Whatever happened, we can fix it. I can fix it. Okay? Just…” His voice broke at the end, and Adam bit back the sudden and unfamiliar urge to dissolve into a puddle of tears. “Please.” But Ronan’s eyes stayed cold and his expression stayed distant. He looked completely different like this. It was like talking to a stranger. Ronan held his eyes for several seconds, but then dropped his gaze down to the ground and took another step backward. “I think you should leave.” And at that, all of Adam’s fight left his body. Ronan was telling him to leave. Ronan was breaking up with him. Ronan didn’t want this, want him anymore. Because in the end, no one ever really wanted Adam Parrish, did they? He didn’t even say goodbye. He just turned around and fled back through the field, slipping around the house and climbing into his car. He wrestled with his stupid broken parking brake as fast as he could, and then went speeding out of the driveway, desperate to put as much distance between himself and the Barns as possible. Between himself and Ronan. Between himself and this horrible, ugly truth that was spreading out before him. He did the drive in dead silence, nothing but buzzing in his head and his chest as he parked and made his way up to his apartment. He felt nothing as he shucked off his clothes and took a shower. He felt nothing as he made himself a boring dinner. He felt nothing as he slogged through a couple of hours of homework. He felt nothing as he turned off the lights and crawled underneath the covers of his bed. And only then in the darkness of his empty bedroom did Adam Parrish finally allow himself to cry.
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
“Oh, goddamn, my pain fits in the palm of your freezing hand.”
-Ivy, Taylor Swift
Ronan couldn’t remember the last time he’d gotten out of bed. He knew he must have gotten up to pee and drink water at least a few times in the last couple days, but it was all coming back a big blur. Nothing seemed to exist except the way darkness and light bounced off his bedroom walls, and the way his heart was broken.He knew it was unfair of him to feel this way; he’d brought it upon himself. But knowing that fact didn’t stop the way his chest felt crushed and his brain felt fuzzy and he felt worse than he had since he’d found his father’s dead body in their driveway not so many years before. He couldn't stop seeing Adam’s face, his eyes desperate and afraid. He couldn't stop hearing Adam’s voice crack on the word please. He couldn't stop seeing Adam walk away, and knowing it was really over. It was really over, and it was all his doing. He hated himself for feeling this way. He hated himself for having done this. He hated himself for loving Adam, for losing Adam.He hated himself, he hated himself, he hated himself. He had no idea how many days he’d been lying there. The last day he firmly remembered was Monday, but he had no sense of how much time had passed since then. The only way he knew it’d been days at all was because Gansey had come in twice now to try to convince him to go to school. Ronan hadn’t dignified either request with an answer. He wasn’t entirely sure if he was sleeping or awake. There didn’t seem to be much of a distinction anymore. He didn’t dream, he didn't think, and he tried his damnedest not to feel. But the hurt kept crashing through anyway, pounding against him in a never-ending loop that started with Adam kissing him under the stars and ended with Adam looking at him like he didn’t even know who he was anymore. Ronan was in that halfway state when he heard a knocking and then the click of his bedroom door opening. He mustered up the strength to call out, “Fuck off, Gansey.” His voice sounded gravely and hoarse from disuse. “Not Gansey,” Blue said curtly. Ronan managed a small groan and turned off his back and onto his side so he was facing away from the door. Hearing Blue’s voice left him infused with another dose of guilt, this one no less intense but different from the last. Blue Sargent had been Adam’s first. She would be Adam’s always. It didn’t matter that Ronan had come to care about her more than he’d ever planned on or wanted to–he knew what breaking things off with Adam meant for his relationship with her. And hearing her voice was a stark reminder of that fact. Just another reminder of all the things he’d lost. He didn’t say anything to her. He didn’t know what there was to say. She didn’t seem to know either, so the two of them sat in tense, uncomfortable silence for several minutes. Finally, she said, “Gansey says you haven’t gotten up in three days.”Well, that answered that question. Ronan didn’t bother replying. “I’m not sure why you’re here wallowing. You're the one that did this.”Blue Sargent, always going right for the gut punch. She was right, of course, but he didn’t need to tell her that. She knew already. They stayed in silence for several more minutes before she let out a shaky exhale and quietly said, “You really hurt him, you know.” Ronan’s breath hitched as another wave of pain washed over him. Finally, he managed to whisper, “I know,” into the darkness.Blue exhaled again, and then he heard the door click shut, but shockingly, her footsteps moved toward him instead of away. Ronan tensed as he felt a weight come down on the mattress next to him. “What are you–”“Shut up,” she growled. Ronan stayed quiet and still while Blue slipped under the covers next to him and curled her tiny body against his back. Instinctually, Ronan wanted to tell her to go away, but realistically, there was something undeniably soothing about the gentle pressure of her skin against his. Eventually, he relaxed his muscles, and he felt when Blue noticed. She scooted a little closer and pressed her cheek into his neck, nuzzling him like a cat. He had a sudden realization that she’d probably done this with Adam a thousand times. He pushed that thought away, incapable of dealing with it just yet. Blue was a naturally physical person, so it was unsurprising that this was how she offered comfort. What was surprising was that she was offering it to him at all. “You're supposed to hate me,” he mumbled. “Don’t tell me what to do,” she snapped, and the harshness of her words and hardness of her tone was only lessened by her gentle touch. “And go to sleep. You're getting up in the morning.” * * * Ronan woke in the middle of the night to Blue’s leg still slung over his and Gansey standing over them, looking stupidly fond. “So this is where she disappeared to.”Blue stirred then, and held one hand up in a sort of half-wave before crooking her finger and beckoning Gansey over. Gansey wasted no time in obliging; he slipped into the bed behind her, and Blue pushed Ronan forward to make room until he was practically smushed against the wall. “This bed isn't big enough for three people,” he complained. “Shhh,” Blue hummed, poking him gently on the arm. “Go back to sleep.”Somehow, even smushed against the wall, Ronan did. * * * Ronan did manage to get up the next morning, but not for long. He knew now that it was a Friday, which meant he was awoken bright and early by Gansey’s stupid hurdy-gurdy morning alarm. He tried to roll over and ignore it, but Blue grabbed him by the arm and practically hauled him out of bed with upper body strength that someone of her size had no business possessing. She dragged him into the living room and made him sit on the couch while she fumbled around in the kitchen/bathroom/laundry, and then she came out with a plate of watery scrambled eggs and a mug of black coffee and sat there until he dutifully finished it all up. He wanted to ask her again why she was bothering to take care of him like this, but he was too cowardly to ask. He just silently ate his bad eggs and drank his burnt coffee and then watched while she and Gansey changed for school and headed off. Gansey didn’t bother trying to convince him to come along this time. After they left, Ronan immediately lost any lingering motivation to stay conscious, so he slunk back into his room and climbed back into bed. His sheets smelled faintly of girly shampoo from Blue and mint from Gansey, and it was more comforting than it had any right to be. Ronan managed to drift off again with the memory of warmth in his bed and a cheek on his neck. * * * He spent the rest of Friday in bed, but sometime in the middle of the night, his stomach started rumbling furiously. It seemed Blue forcing food into his mouth earlier had reminded his body that it did in fact need to eat occasionally, and now it was making that fact known. Begrudgingly, he got out of bed and crept through the living room and into the kitchen. He didn’t bother turning on the light, just pulled open the fridge and found a nearly-expired packet of lunchmeat and planted himself on the cold floor. The ham tasted slimy, but without Blue there to mother him, he didn’t have many other options; he didn’t have it in him to cook anything himself. He worked his way through that packet of ham before moving on to some cheese slices. Once again, not an ideal meal, but it was at least making some of the cramping in his stomach ease up. When he finished eating, he knew it was time to heft himself back up on his feet and go back to his room, but the energy required to do so suddenly seemed unexpendable. And anyway, how different was the kitchen floor from his bed, really? He leaned his head back against the wooden shelves and let his eyes slide shut right there. Ronan didn’t know how long he’d been drifting when the kitchen light suddenly flicked on. He startled awake to find Gansey in the doorway, his glasses slipping down his nose, and his pajamas and hair rumpled from sleep. “Why are you sleeping on the floor?” he asked a bit exasperatedly. Ronan squinted and winced, uncomfortable with the sudden brightness. Instead of answering, he said, “Turn off the fucking light, man.”With a sigh, Gansey did. Then he slid down to sitting across from him and pulled his knees into his chest. He had a look on his face that made him look startlingly like Richard Gansey II, although he always hated it when Ronan pointed that out. His nose was slightly scrunched, his eyebrows drawn together in worry. Eventually, Gansey quietly said, “Have you been cutting again?”The question was unsurprising. Ronan should have known that Gansey would be worried about that. Gansey was always worried about that, ever since he’d found out. “No,” Ronan mumbled, looking away as his face heated up with shame. It was true–he hadn’t cut himself, not since Gansey caught him that last time. But he’d thought about it. He always thought about it when things got bad, and this was the worst things had been in a very long time. So Ronan had thought about it, and his fingers had itched for a blade, but he’d shoved down the impulse. He made a promise, and it was a promise he wasn’t going to break.“Okay,” Gansey exhaled. “Good.”Gansey didn’t say anything else, but Ronan could tell that he wanted to. Gansey liked answers (it was one of the things he and Adam had in common), and Ronan knew he was itching for an explanation. It was just his way. Finally, Ronan cut the silence to say, “If you want to ask, just ask.”Gansey ran his thumb across his bottom lip. “I only want to ask if you’re actually ready to tell me.” He paused and cocked his head to the side. “Are you ready to tell me now?” Ronan’s immediate jerk reaction was to snap that he had nothing to hide–that he was an open book who never lied–but he had come to realize recently that that wasn’t true. Ronan may not lie, but he hid plenty from everybody around him, Gansey included. The only person who’d ever really received the truest, most raw version of Ronan was Adam, and he was gone now. “You’re going to try to argue with me. Tell me it was a mistake,” Ronan finally replied. “And it wasn’t, so I don’t want to hear it.” Gansey thought for a moment and then said, “What if I promised not to say anything? You can just talk. I won’t answer. If that will make it easier for you. If you want to talk.” That felt… acceptable. Safe. So before Ronan could help it, the explanation came rolling off his tongue. “Ad–He’s leaving after graduation. Going to some fucking Ivy League school or some shit and I’m just staying here. And he’s not going to come back. He’s been saying that for as long as we’ve known him, and he means it. He doesn’t fuck around with shit like that. So he’s going to leave and go to Harvard and then this is just going to be over. So it might as well be over now. It might as well be over on my terms instead of his.”As he said the words, he felt how selfish they were. Ronan didn’t like when people made choices for him, so he felt horrible about having made a choice for Adam, but that didn’t stop him from believing it was the right choice. Believing it was the only choice. Because if it was killing Ronan this much to lose Adam now, he knew he couldn’t survive it if he had to lose Adam later. It was easier to break his own heart than it was to let Adam do it. Gansey stuck true to his promise and didn’t reply, but Ronan could see the battle going on behind his eyes, and Gansey didn’t need to talk for Ronan to know exactly what he wanted to say. But Ronan wasn’t interested in a fight right now; he’d done plenty of fighting all on his own. The two of them sat in silence for several minutes while Gansey warred with himself, biting down hard on his bottom lip to keep from speaking up. Finally, Ronan watched as his muscles relaxed and he settled down. Now Ronan had a question of his own, one that he’d been fixated on but too weak to ask for days. “Does he seem okay?”Gansey sighed and took his glasses off, rubbing his eyes in exhaustion or weariness or both. “Do you want the truth or do you want me to lie to you?”“The truth.” “Then no, he doesn’t seem okay. He seems like he hasn’t slept in days and isn’t eating and can’t concentrate on a damn thing. He seems the furthest from okay that I’ve ever seen him. Blue is terrified, and, frankly, so am I. So don’t–” Gansey cut himself off quickly with a sharp inhale, clearly fighting again with his impulse to argue and lecture, but this time, Ronan wanted to hear it.“Don’t what?” Gansey’s impulse won out, and he said, “Don’t think that you’re the only one hurting here.”Ronan didn’t know how he felt about that. A part of him wanted Adam to be as devastated as he was, but another part of him wanted to shield Adam from anything and everything that had ever caused him pain. All he knew was that he shouldn’t have asked at all, because now he just hated himself more. He hadn’t even thought that possible, but it seemed he just kept reaching new lows he hadn’t thought existed. “Okay,” he gritted out. Gansey just nodded, knowing that Ronan didn’t want to or need to know more. He stood up and looked down at Ronan. “Now stop eating lunchmeat and go to bed. You can’t wallow like this forever. Get yourself together, because you’re going to school on Monday. You’re not failing out this close to graduation, so do whatever it is you need to do to get yourself back on track. And if even for a second you think of hurting yourself, come tell me. Got that, Ronan?”“Got it,” Ronan assured under his breath, feeling like a little kid getting scolded. He deserved it, though.Gansey crossed the dark kitchen then and leaned down to pull Ronan into an awkward multi-level hug that mostly consisted of Gansey’s arms around his head, but he appreciated the sentiment more than he could explain. He let Gansey pull him up and shepherd him back into his bedroom, and then he folded himself back into the waiting arms of sleep. * * * Adam was violently startled awake by the blaring of his alarm. He’d been sleeping deeply but fitfully like he had been for the last two weeks, bogged down by a painful combination of exhaustion and nerves that made it so he could never really be fully rested. His dream was coming back to him in flashes, and as it did, he groaned and rolled onto his side, burying his face in his pillow to try to block the images out. It seemed every time he dreamed now, it was of Ronan. His lips and his hands and his laugh and his smile. And every single time it was like having the wind knocked out of him. He wished there was something, anything he could do to make it stop. It was early on a Saturday, but Adam hauled himself out of bed and started pulling on his work clothes. He’d been picking up more and more shifts since Ronan ended things, desperate for anything to occupy his time and mind, desperate for a distraction. It didn’t work, not really, but he still thought it was worth a try. Anything was worth a try at this point. Two weeks without Ronan had been two weeks in hell. The first week, Ronan had completely ditched school, and Adam didn’t know if he was doing it for his own benefit or for Adam’s, but he appreciated it either way. The idea of seeing Ronan again had filled Adam’s stomach with aggressive butterflies, and he’d come to school every morning that week sick and terrified of what would happen when he saw those blue eyes and that pale skin again. He didn’t want to think about it. It was easier to just sit in class and eat lunch with Gansey and Noah and pretend nothing happened. And if nobody mentioned Ronan, Adam sure wasn’t going to point it out. The second week, Ronan had come back, and although Adam knew it had to happen eventually, he still wasn’t ready. When Ronan walked into first-period Latin that Monday morning, Adam’s heart had quite literally stopped beating. He’d waited and watched as Ronan swiped his eyes across the room, only landing on Adam for a split second before pulling away again. Instead of coming to his usual seat, Ronan crossed to the back corner of the classroom and threw himself down into a chair there. Adam was thankful for it, but the empty seat next to him still felt like a taunt. The class itself had gone poorly. Adam had a difficult time focusing on Latin when all he could focus on were all the invisible pieces of thread that tugged him towards Ronan. He had to fight to stay still, to not go to him. To scream at him. To kiss him. Either or both would do. He didn’t know which he needed more. At lunch, Adam had come into the dining hall to see Ronan at their usual table, already sitting with Gansey and Noah. Adam figured that since he got them in class, it was only fair that Ronan got them at lunch. He took his tray of food, found an empty table, and ate in the most pained, uncomfortable silence known to man. His lunch tasted like sawdust. From there, the week had progressed much the same. Gansey and Noah got treated like children of divorce, trading off time with him and Ronan and not mentioning the other, no matter what. It was awkward and awful and Adam hated it. He knew Gansey and Noah hated it too, but they had the decency to pretend not to mind. Adam knew Blue was feeling worried and stuck in the middle also. She was spending more nights with Adam than she ever had before, and he had a feeling the nights she didn’t spend with him she was spending at Monmouth. The weight and feel of her in bed with him was familiar, but what he really wanted was Ronan in his bed, and no matter how much he loved Blue, she wasn’t an adequate replacement. He worried that nothing would ever be an adequate replacement. Adam had spent his entire life putting himself back together. He’d grown very good at it over the years. But this did not feel like something he could put himself back together from. This felt like his soul being ripped in half, and he wasn’t sure how he’d ever be whole again. Begrudgingly, Adam grabbed a leftover sandwich from the fridge and his car keys and left his apartment to head for work. Halfway down the stairs, though, Adam’s neck tingled and he suddenly had this bad feeling. A bad feeling, different from the general bad feelings he’d been having for two weeks straight. This was a bad feeling that he could only compare to a sense of impending doom, and so somehow, he knew who was going to be waiting in the St. Agnes parking lot before he got down there. That was just the way his life was going these days, he guessed. It had been over a year since Adam had last seen Robert Parrish. One year, one month, and twelve days to be exact. He hadn’t seen him since the trial, when they stood across from each other in a courtroom and a judge ruled that a crime had been committed. That a wrong had been done. He wasn’t sure how he’d been so lucky to not run into his father since, but he hadn’t, and he hadn’t been hoping to anytime soon. He definitely hadn’t been hoping to find his father in the parking lot outside his apartment, leaning against his truck, clearly waiting for Adam. A part of him wanted to flee, to go back inside or get in his car and speed away before this conversation could happen. But Adam was a big boy, and his father wasn’t the scary monster he’d been when Adam was a kid anymore, so he called on every ounce of his pride and strolled over to where his father was waiting for him. “Adam,” his father said. “Dad,” Adam replied. Robert looked the same as he had a year ago, and he looked no happier to see Adam than he had in that courtroom. His eyes were just as hard, just as full of contempt as always. It occurred to Adam suddenly that part of his father’s sentence had included a restraining order, and that technically, he was breaking the law by being here. But it felt somehow cowardly to point that out, and the last thing he wanted was to appear as a coward to his father. “What are you doing here?” he asked. His father raised an eyebrow, seemingly surprised by his directness. “Can’t I just want to see my kid?” “You could, but that’s not why you’re here.” A quick burst of anger flashed in Robert’s eyes but was gone a second later. He swallowed, nodding his head in understanding. He didn’t reply for several seconds, but finally, he said, “Your mother broke her leg.”For a moment, Adam was so surprised that he was completely unsure how to respond. He hadn’t known exactly what his father wanted, but to inform him of his mother’s health problems was not one of Adam’s guesses. Once he got over his initial confusion, he managed to awkwardly reply, “That’s terrible. How did she do it?”“Tripped down the front steps.” “Is she in a lot of pain?”“No, not anymore.” “Well, that’s…good. Glad to hear it.” Adam nearly winced at how stilted his words sounded. This was one of the most uncomfortable conversations he’d had in a long while, and he wasn’t doing a good job of feigning friendliness. “Tell her I hope she’s feeling better.”He hoped that would be the end of it. That whatever misplaced notion of fatherhood had possessed Robert to come to tell Adam about his mother’s injury would pass, and he’d head off on his way, and Adam could head off on his, and hopefully they wouldn’t see each other again for a very long time. But Adam was never that lucky, so instead of taking his well wishes and leaving, his father said, “Hospital bills are expensive.”And then Adam understood what his father was doing there. “Dad…” he started but trailed off as he realized he didn’t have an end to that sentence. His father continued on like Adam hadn’t spoken at all. “Hospital bills are expensive, and I know for a fact you’re making good money at all those jobs you have. And your mother’s health is no laughing matter, Adam.”Adam took a deep breath to prepare himself and then very carefully said, “Dad, I can’t give you any money.”He watched as another flash of anger passed across his father’s features. “And why the hell not?”A familiar sensation of shame and frustration burned in Adam’s throat, and he fought to keep his voice confident and steady as he replied, “I’m sorry that Mom got hurt, but I can’t give you any money. I have school to pay for.” “I thought that school was paying you to go,” his father spat. “Dad, we’ve had this conversation already. It’s a partial scholarship. I still have to pay.” It was true that they’d had this conversation before. In fact, it was the final conversation they’d had before Adam’s father had beat the hearing and any lingering desire for a normal familial relationship out of him. Everything was different now–Adam was an adult who lived by himself, who hadn’t been touched by his father in over a year–but there was a startling sense of deja vu to the whole interaction. It lingered in Adam’s bones and made him feel even more uneasy than he already had. He could see in Robert’s face that he remembered as well. The anger that he’d been seeing in flashes was crystalizing into pure rage, just like it had that night as well, and Adam instinctively took a step backward. “There it is. Selfish, just like always,” was what his father finally said. “Don’t care about anyone but yourself. And I’d thought you couldn’t possibly be a bigger disappointment.” Adam felt his cheeks heat up. How could his father still do this, even after all this time? How could he so successfully make Adam feel like a weak, worthless child? But he didn’t need to feel like a child. He wasn’t a child. So instead of cowering like he once would have, Adam held his chin up high and said, “I think it’s time for you to leave.” The look of rage on his father’s face came into even sharper focus. It seemed he didn’t know what to do with this Adam who talked back, but he clearly didn’t like him. In fact, he hated him, and just like that night a year ago, that hate was pulling itself together into something bigger. Something physical. The Adam of a year ago would have been prepared. He’d grown so used to his father’s anger and abuse that he could read it like a book. He always knew when his father’s temper was about to come to a head, even if there wasn’t anything he could do to stop it. But this Adam was out of practice. It’d been so long since he’d walked around on eggshells, just waiting to be struck, and so he hadn’t been able to read the signs as clearly as he once would have. So somehow, he hadn’t seen the hit coming until his father’s fist was connecting with his face. There was a burst of pain, a flash of confusion, and then the world went sideways as Adam tripped backward, his feet coming out from under him. And then his head collided with the concrete and there was nothing but darkness. * * * Ronan knew his friends meant well, but that didn’t make him any happier to be forced to socialize. It was a Saturday morning, which meant Blue was over at Monmouth. They’d settled into an uncomfortable schedule since the breakup, one that meant Blue spent about half her nights with Adam and the other half with the crew at Monmouth Manufacturing. Gansey and Noah traded off lunches and afternoons, and nobody mentioned how painfully awful the entire situation was. Friday nights meant Adam ate dinner with Blue at 300 Fox Way, but he’d been picking up morning shifts on weekends the last two weeks (a fact that Ronan only knew because he’d heard Blue whisper it to Gansey in a worried tone of voice), so she slept over at Monmouth afterward. Blue had stopped tolerating Ronan’s unorthodox sleeping hours after that first week, which meant that she hauled him out of bed bright and early and forced him to eat more watery eggs and pretend to be a functioning member of society. Noah had found some channel that played old cartoons on Saturday mornings, so the four of them were camped out in the living room watching TV and acting like everything was totally normal. Blue, Gansey, and Noah were doing a significantly better job at achieving that feat than Ronan was, though. Blue was sprawled out on the couch with her feet in Gansey’s lap, instructing Noah on how to french-braid her hair. Ronan was flicking his attention between the television and Noah’s steadily growing more frustrated expression from where he sat in Gansey’s armchair. “This is so stupid. It’s too short,” Noah complained, but Blue just laughed him off. “It’s not too short. You’ve just got to–”All four of them were startled by the sudden shrill sound of a phone ringing. “That would be me,” Gansey sighed, moving Blue’s feet off his lap and standing up to go get his phone. It took him several seconds to locate it from where it’d fallen beneath his bed. “Hi there.” He froze, his eyes suddenly opening wide. “No, but she’s here with me. I can put her on.” All three of them perked up and looked over to Gansey, whose brows were suddenly furrowed together in confusion or concern. He pulled the phone away from his ear and covered the receiver before softly saying, “Blue, it’s for you.” Then it was Blue’s turn to look confused and concerned. Warily, she stood up from the couch and headed over to Gansey, taking the phone from his outstretched hand and bringing it to her ear. “Hello? Yes, this is her. What is this about?” There was a long pause while the person on the other end of the line spoke, and Ronan watched as Blue’s expression grew more and more tense. “Is he okay?” she finally asked, and Ronan’s stomach suddenly dropped out from under him. Because there was really only one he she could be talking about. There was another long pause, and then Blue said, “Okay, thank you for calling. I’ll be there as soon as possible. Yes, thank you.” And then she hung up. They all stood in silence for about five seconds before Noah broke it to ask, “Who was that?” Blue just chewed on her bottom lip, so Gansey answered instead: “It was the hospital.”Noah’s eyes opened wide. “The hospital? What happened?”They all turned to Blue, whose hands were starting to shake where she held them in front of her. “It’s Adam,” she said finally, and her voice sounded tight and heated. “Apparently his dad showed up at his apartment and hit him.” The news struck through them all like a lightning strike, and all at once Blue had tears in her eyes, Noah was up off the couch and shouting, and Gansey was searching for his keys and pulling on his shoes. Ronan, on the other hand, was frozen. He waited for the familiar rush of anger that he always felt when Adam’s father was mentioned, but it didn't show up. Instead of anger, all he felt was a deep, nearly painful concern. There wasn't room for anger with the anxiety and fear settling deep in his chest. “Is he okay?” he asked loudly, cutting through the mayhem, and Gansey, Noah, and Blue all turned to him with surprise in their eyes, like they'd forgotten he was still there. Blue had tears running down her face by then, her hands still shaking, and Ronan remembered suddenly that Blue had been the one to get the call the last time Adam’s father put him in the hospital. The time he'd lost his hearing. And he realized that this was probably just as terrifying for her as it was for him. Her voice wavered as she replied, “They said he's conscious and stable. A nun happened to walk by right as it was happening and called the police. Apparently, he was blacked out for a bit but came to in the ambulance.” She took a deep breath and added, “He should be okay.” It sounded a bit like she was reassuring herself more than any of the rest of them. Gansey crossed over to her then and pulled her into a tight hug, leaning down to press a gentle kiss to the crown of her head. “He’s okay,” Ronan heard him whisper. They all froze again for a few moments then, but Ronan was done waiting. He needed to see Adam now. He needed to see with his own fucking eyes that he was fine. He wasn't going to be able to calm down until he did. “Let's fucking go, then,” he snapped loudly, and that spurred everyone into action. They all pulled on shoes and fled out the door, piling into the Pig and listening to the squeal of tires as Gansey sped out of the parking lot. The hospital wasn't far, and Gansey drove faster than usual, so there was no time at all before they were practically sprinting into the lobby, people jumping out of their way to not get barreled over. Blue was the one who got to the front desk first. She was a little out of breath as she said, “Adam Parrish. He was brought in a little bit ago. We're here to see him.”The nurse typed on her computer for a moment and then said, “Girlfriend?”Ronan watched a muscle jump in her jaw as she ground her teeth in annoyance. “Sure, whatever you need to let me in to see him.”The nurse sighed and looked up at her, glancing behind to where Ronan, Gansey, and Noah stood. “And what, you lot are his boyfriends?”Ronan nearly opened his mouth to snap that he was in fact Adam’s boyfriend before remembering with a sick lurch that he wasn't anymore. Luckily, Gansey answered quickly with a brusk, “I don't see how this is of any importance. We'd like to see our friend now.”The nurse sighed again, but Gansey’s authority seemed to do the trick of getting her moving. “I'll see if he'd like visitors. Take a seat please.”They dropped into the stupid waiting room seats, and Ronan bobbed his leg restlessly. He still felt sick to his stomach, and he had to fight back the urge to simply go shoving through the goddamn hospital to get to Adam as soon as possible. Finally, a different nurse came into the waiting room and peered down at her clipboard before loudly announcing, “Blue Sargent, Richard Gansey, Noah Czerny?”They all jumped out of their seats and Gansey called, “That's us.”“You three can come with me.”Blue, Gansey, and Noah turned to look at Ronan all at once, and only then did the nurse’s words sink in. “In case you haven't noticed, there's four of us,” Ronan snapped. The nurse looked down at her clipboard again before peering back up at them. “I see that. But the patient only gave me those three names, so that's who I can let in. You'll have to wait here.”Ronan’s face flushed as he felt Blue, Gansey, and Noah’s eyes all boring into him. They all had varying levels of concern and pity clear in their expressions, and Ronan hated the look of it. Shame crept up his throat for the thousandth time in the last two weeks, and he bit down hard on the inside of his cheek to stop from cursing out the nurse or demanding to be let in. He knew it wasn’t her fault. It wasn’t Adam’s fault really either, he figured. It was his own fault. Again and again and again. Always. Still with that horrible look of concern and pity, Gansey put his hand gently on Ronan’s shoulder. “I can text you and keep you updated, if you’d like.”Ronan curtly shook his head. “It’s fine.” “Ronan–”“It’s fucking fine, Gansey.”It wasn’t fine, but there wasn’t anything to be done. Gansey turned away with his concerned and pitiful look. Blue took Ronan’s hand in hers and squeezed it gently, and then the three of them disappeared down the hallway with the nurse, leaving Ronan in the horrible solitary of the hospital waiting room. He shouldn’t have come at all, he was realizing now. He had no right to be here, no right to care, to worry, to love. He was the one who pushed Adam away, who cut him out of his life. This was what he’d wanted, and so this was what he got. Now he had to live with it.Ronan left the hospital on foot and didn’t look back. * * * For the second time in his life, Adam Parrish was sitting on a hospital bed with a pounding headache and a rapidly forming black eye. He wasn’t sure how it was possible he was really back here again. It all still felt surreal, like a dream; he kept thinking any moment he’d wake up in his bed at St. Agnes and it’d be morning again, or better yet, he’d wake up two weeks earlier, before his life went back to being dull and dark. He knew that was too much to ask for, but sitting on his lumpy, little hospital bed in Henrietta General, Adam didn’t feel like he was above childish wishes anymore. He only had the notice of a quick knock before the door to his room was opened, and then he was surrounded by noise, making the dull throbbing in his skull pick up in intensity. His friends entered the room in a single, feverish push, exploding into the sterile, empty space. Adam had barely registered their entrance before Gansey was practically sprinting across the room to meet him at the bed. He used his hands to cup the sides of Adam’s face, tilting it back and forth with an appraising eye, and Adam realized with a slight hint of amusement that he was doing the same thing Maura had done the last time. Noah was over at his side in an instant as well, wringing his hands furiously in front of himself and bouncing on the soles of his feet with seemingly never-ending energy. Blue, on the other hand, was still standing by the door, just over the threshold of the room. Her hands were gripped into tight fists at her side, and she had her bottom lip sucked between her teeth, gnawing on it roughly. She hadn’t moved or spoken, but her eyes were fixed firmly enough on Adam that he could feel her stare from across the room. He realized after a moment that Gansey and Noah were both speaking, although he wasn’t really registering what either of them was saying. “–looks like it fucking hurts, man. Is there anything else–”“–of course, if you don’t have insurance, we will figure something out. My parents certainly wouldn’t mind if–”“Hey, could you guys actually give me a sec with Blue?” Adam interrupted, and then immediately felt bad about his rudeness. He knew Gansey and Noah were both just worried and fretting in their own particular ways, but suddenly Adam felt overwhelmed by their noise, their concern, their presence. He added on, “I mean, thank you for coming. I just–my head–I need–”“Of course,” Gansey cut in, putting him out of his awkward, excuse-giving misery. “We’ll be outside.” Blue stayed standing by the door while Noah and Gansey filed out, but Adam caught when Gansey brushed his hand against her side and leaned down to quickly whisper something in her ear. She nodded at him, and then he and Noah stepped out into the hallway and shut the door behind them. The room was silent once more. “Blue-Blue?” he said quietly, extending his arms in an invitation. Blue broke all at once, and in less than a second she’d launched herself across the room and thrown herself into Adam’s waiting arms. He wrapped them tight around her back and let her lay her forehead on his shoulder, and he felt when the first rush of hot tears hit the thin cotton of his shirt. “I’m okay,” he said gently, bringing one hand up to stroke through her hair. “I know,” she assured, but her voice sounded scratchy and broken and unconvinced. “He only got one good punch in. It’s a black eye, a lump on the back of my head, and a minor concussion. That’s it, Blue,” he explained. “I know,” she said again, still muffled against his shoulder and watery through tears. She stayed quiet against him for several moments before adding, “I just…I got that call, and they said you were fine, but all I could think was that they said that last time and then I got there and you were…God, Adam you were so…”Then it was Adam’s time to say, “I know. But I’m really okay this time. I promise.”She picked her head up off his shoulder and looked at him. Her dark eyes were wet and red-rimmed, and her nose was running just a bit. She looked so quintessentially Blue that it nearly killed him. With a sniff, she reached out her hand, pinky finger up. “Promise?”It was silly and childish, but once again, Adam wasn’t above acting like a child just then. He linked their pinky fingers together. “Promise.”She smiled a bit then, just a tiny, little thing. More of a suggestion of a smile than an actual one, and that was also so quintessentially Blue, and he loved her so fiercely. She brought a hand up then to push aside his scraggly hair and look at his busted-up eye better. With a slight whine she said, “I’m supposed to be the one comforting you.”“How ‘bout we just comfort each other? Alright?” She laughed a little but continued her examination of his face. “It’s really fine,” he reassured once again. “The doctor made me sit through a goddamn CAT scan and everything, so I can guarantee that my skull is intact and my brain isn’t bleeding or any of those other things you’re going to convince yourself could possibly be wrong with me. I have a concussion. I’ll rest for a week, and then I’ll be good as new.” Seemingly satisfied, she pushed his hair back one more time before dropping her hand. “What did they do with your dad?”Adam had to look away then, for some reason embarrassed. “I–um–I missed it, mostly, but the paramedic said they called the police and the nuns gave them his name, so I guess they’ll probably arrest him.” He cleared his throat once. “Technically, he violated a restraining order, so I guess they would have to.”When he met Blue’s eyes again, they were burning with rage. “I hope he rots in jail.” “He’s not gonna go to jail for punching me in the face, Blue-Blue.”“He should.”Adam sighed, suddenly feeling a bit exhausted all over again. “Can we have this debate later? I’m sure Maura and Calla will want to contribute.”“Fine,” Blue relented. “But they’ll be on my side. So will Gansey and Noah.” Suddenly, there was a funny tickle in Adam’s chest. “Thank you for bringing them, by the way.” Blue smiled for real then. “Bring them? They wouldn’t have stayed back for a million dollars.”The funny tickle grew stronger, and Adam felt his cheeks warm. He awkwardly replied, “I’m just not used to people…you know.” He waved at the door, hoping the gesture would convey what he meant. Caring. “Other than you, obviously.”Blue’s smile grew wider, all at once shifting into her Adam smile. She brought her hand back to his face and pinched his cheek gently. “You, Adam Parrish, are more loved than you know.” He had no response to that, so he replied by placing a soft kiss on her forehead. When he pulled back, she had a different look in her eyes–something slightly sad and worried. “He was here, you know,” she said, her voice very low and careful. Adam didn’t have to ask who she meant by he. Of course, he knew Ronan was here. The second the nurse said the word visitors and the number four, Adam knew Ronan was out there. He’d been surprised, and then surprised that he was surprised, and then surprised that he was surprised that he was surprised. But he should have known to never expect anything when it came to Ronan; he was as unpredictable as an early spring storm. He thought about what it would have been like if this was a couple of weeks ago. He could carefully picture the way Ronan would come sauntering into the room with feigned arrogance. The way he'd say something stupid like Nice shiner, Parrish, but then he'd cross over to him and take Adam’s face in his hands. He'd look over him with that same appraising way that Blue and Gansey did, and his eyes would be burning a furious blue, like the hottest part of a fire. He'd lean down then a ghost a gentle kiss against the bruise, and then a gentle kiss against Adam’s lips, and then he'd say something stupid again like Who do I need to kill? and it would be perfect, perfect, perfect. But Adam knew that wasn't what would happen. He didn't even know why Ronan had come–what he wanted, or what he thought he'd get out of it. Ronan had made it clear that he didn't want Adam. Maybe it was guilt? Or pressure? But at the end of the day, it didn't matter. Ronan wouldn't say something stupid to him, or kiss his bruise, or make his stomach swoop and his eyes crinkle and his heart feel just a little bit lighter. The nurse had looked at him with this face like she was waiting for his permission to go get them, and Adam had panicked. He’d given the nurse just Blue, Gansey, and Noah's names. He’d exiled Ronan to the waiting room. He’d kept him at arm’s distance. It wasn’t exactly what he wanted, but it also wasn’t not what he wanted.What he really wanted was something he knew he couldn’t have. “Yeah, I know,” Adam mumbled in response to Blue. “Do you wanna talk about it?” she asked diplomatically. She’d been asking him that a lot in these last couple of weeks. Blue was a pusher in every aspect of her life, except when it came to Adam. With Adam, she only ever offered. And like every other time she offered, Adam replied with, “Not right now.” She nodded like she’d been expecting him to say that, probably because she had. They were interrupted then by the nurse bringing Adam’s discharge paperwork, and Gansey and Noah came trailing in after her, seemingly realizing that whatever it was he and Blue needed with each other had been effectively found. They kept their voices lower and their energy calmer for his benefit, but Adam could see how riled up they were. How worried. How much they cared. And he was overwhelmed by what Blue had said: how these people loved him. He let himself be wrapped up in that blanket of care and love and protection that was such a privilege to him, now and always. And he tried fruitlessly to miss the way his soul ached and yearned for the love of someone else.
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
“So yeah, it’s a war, it’s the goddamn fight of my life, and you started it.”
-Ivy, Taylor Swift
It was 12:42 am. Ronan Lynch couldn't sleep. After the initial week of near-constant unconsciousness and Adam’s stint in the ER, Ronan had reverted back to his usual crippling insomnia. He felt jittery and restless night after night, and no amount of driving or drinking could calm it down. He'd run out of tricks, out of ways to quiet the roaring in his heart. Tonight, he was sitting on the curb outside of Monmouth Manufacturing smoking. Ronan did not, in general, smoke, but no one spent any extended amount of time with Kavinsky and his pack without smoking a few cigarettes. And even though he didn't like the burn in his lungs and the taste in his mouth, he needed to do something. Something uncomfortable. He couldn't cut, and Gansey had emptied the house of liquor, so all he had left was a stray pack of cigarettes. And it wasn't helping, not really, but it was making the deepest, most self-destructive parts of him feel slightly, stupidly better. If he couldn't hurt himself in his usual ways, this would have to be the substitute. So he sat on the curb and he smoked a cigarette and then he smoked another. He was starting on a third when Noah suddenly dropped down next to him, quiet as a mouse. Ronan hadn't even heard him come out of the house or up behind him. Noah was eerie like that sometimes; he was loud and raucous as hell when he wanted to be, but other times he was silent as the dead. Noah could always tell when something was wrong, so Ronan shouldn't have been surprised to see him that night. And he shouldn't have been surprised when he reached out a hand for a cigarette. Ronan placed one in his fingers and lit it, and watched as Noah brought it to his lips and took a long drag. They sat and smoked in silence for several minutes before Noah suddenly said, “You know, after the Incident, I thought about killing myself.”It was so unexpected–the abrupt noise in the silent night, the tight tone of his voice, and the violence of the words themselves–that Ronan nearly dropped his cigarette. His mind rattled, but before he could comment, Noah continued on: “I knew it was stupid. I mean, I'd barely survived. Those doctors did all this hard work putting me back together again, and then all I could think about was just...undoing it.” He paused and took a drag from his cigarette. “But everybody kept telling me how lucky I was. How if those hikers hadn’t passed through, or if the ambulance had taken five more minutes to get there I would have just died. How I was so lucky that they got me to the hospital fast enough, that the doctors could stop the swelling in my brain, that I'd managed to pull through. How thankful I should be. But the thing was, I didn’t feel thankful. And it wasn't that I felt angry, or even sad really, either. I just...I didn't feel like me anymore, and I couldn’t imagine ever feeling like me again.” Noah sighed, and it sounded like it came from the deepest part of his soul. “I knew it was ridiculous, but I couldn't stop thinking that maybe it would be easier if I just didn't have to do it all anymore. If I just said fuck it to recovery and PT and therapy and all that shit and just...ended it. I couldn't stop thinking that maybe it would have been better if I just died in those woods that day."Ronan bit back his gut instinct to tell Noah that that was bullshit. That of course it wouldn't have been better if he died. But, at the end of the day, Ronan understood. He understood that darkness, that desire to just not feel anymore. He'd felt it so strongly after his father died, and it never really went away. It lingered in flashes and bursts, and he had to fight it back like a demon every time it showed its ugly face. And he knew Noah had that darkness in him too, but he hadn't known just how strongly. "Transferring to Aglionby was like this last shot. My parents thought it would be better, and I didn't really care, but I was willing to try anything at that point,” Noah continued. “And I figured it would be total bullshit–that it wouldn't help a damn thing–but nothing could be worse than it was already, right? I was at the fucking bottom, so it was worth doing anything to try to claw my way back up."Those first couple weeks, I felt like a ghost. I don't even remember them, not really. It was just flashes of new faces and new bodies and new voices and it was so much worse than I ever could have imagined. It was like being hit over and over again by a freight train of stimulation, and I just wanted to crawl inside my own head and hide there."That part of the story Ronan was familiar with. He remembered what Noah was like when he first came to Aglionby–skittish and faded and afraid. He barely spoke to anybody those first weeks. He barely seemed to do much of anything at all. Noah took another long drag from his cigarette, but then he smiled. It was a small, sheltered thing, but there nonetheless. "And then you and Gansey came barrelling into my life and it was like a blinding ray of light. It was like I'd been sitting in pitch darkness for months, and the two of you were the sun."Ronan smiled as he remembered that part too, that very first day that Gansey and he had truly found Noah. The two of them had somehow become fast friends no more than a week into that year, but it had been at least a month before they added Noah to the mix. He'd been sitting in the back of their English classroom, his sweater's sleeves pulled down over his hands as his head rested on his folded arms. He had dark circles under his eyes that looked like bruises, and his expression looked tense and pinched even with his eyes drifted closed. Ronan would never know what possessed Gansey to go over to him and drop into the seat next door. But he watched as Gansey quietly said, "Noah Czerny. You look like you could use a nap."Noah's eyes had opened then, and they'd widened when he saw the two boys in front of him. His mouth had opened in surprise, but then he'd tiredly and defeatedly replied, "Richard Gansey. You have no idea.""I tried to fight it at first,” Noah said, bringing Ronan out of the past and back into the present. “Of course I did. Because it just didn't feel real. It was like a mirage. You two were just there with these stupid smiles and these stupid jokes and I was this shell of a person. So there was just no way it was reality. And, God, how the hell was I ever supposed to let anyone in again? The last person I let have any part of me bashed in my head with my skateboard the second he got a chance. So it had to be fake, and I had to fight it."But you guys just stayed there, fucking wearing at me with your earnestness and your laughter and then one day it was just like bam. You were right there in overwhelming, obnoxious clarity. It was so fucking real it goddamn hurt. And there was no fighting it anymore. You two were in my biology, my consciousness, my everything.” Noah paused again, but not like he was expecting Ronan to reply. Just like he was catching his breath, organizing his thoughts, and he continued when he seemed good and ready: “But, you see, then it was terrifying for this whole new reason. Because you guys were this pillar keeping me up and making me see sunlight again, and I knew you could just...go away. There was nothing, no reason you'd stay. You two were like kings, and I was this kid dragging myself to therapy twice a week and laying in my bed at night trying to stop wanting to kill myself. You guys were everything and I was just...nothing. And I was so fucking terrified that I would lose it all that suddenly, it seemed like maybe it would be a good idea to just throw it all away right then. Do it on my terms instead of yours."With a sick lurch, Ronan suddenly understood why Noah was telling him this. He wanted to squirm away, to avoid it, to snap back, but Noah was there in front of him being real and honest and if he ever deserved anything in his life, it was Ronan’s attention. So he stayed quiet and he watched as Noah took a second to smoke some more before going on. “But do you know what I realized, Ronan?” Noah turned to look at him then, and Ronan warily held his eyes. “I realized that it was worth it. That the two of you were worth it. Yeah, I didn’t know for sure that you wouldn’t get sick of me, or figure out what a complete mess I was and bail. But I realized that it didn’t matter because you two were worth it. You were worth all that anxiety and uncertainty, and if I had to fight to keep you, I would do it. I would fight every goddamn day of my life if that’s what it took. Because out of everything in this awful, miserable world, the two of you were worth it.”Ronan felt his breath catch in his throat. He felt the weight of Noah’s gaze and the intensity of his words. He felt the intention and the meaning. They settled against his soul and they wormed their way in and suddenly Ronan felt like he might just burst into tears. “If he's worth it,” Noah said finally, his tone firm and resolute, “then you shouldn't give up. You should keep holding on, taking everything he'll give you, and giving him everything back.” He took one deep, steadying breath. “If he's worth it, then you should fight for it. Fight for him.”Noah finished his cigarette and stubbed it out on the concrete. With one last hefty, lingering look, he hauled himself off the curb and turned to head back inside, leaving Ronan alone in the darkness and the stillness of the night. Ronan realized his own cigarette had gone out without him even noticing. Hands shaking, he tossed it away. Noah's words bounced around in his skull. If he’s worth it, then you should fight for it. Fight for him.Was Adam worth it? Adam was the realest thing in Ronan’s life. If Ronan and Gansey were Noah’s sun, then Adam was his. He'd shaken and broken Ronan’s world, and Ronan felt hollow in his absence. Adam was pain and joy and beauty and heartbreak. He was everything Ronan loved about the world. Of course, Adam was worth it. Nothing in the world could ever be worth more. Oh God, what had he fucking done?With a deep, heaving sigh, Ronan dropped his head into his hands. He’d been fighting so hard to feel apathetic, to kill the hurt in his heart, but now it was coming back stronger than ever. He felt like a hole had been blown right through his chest, and all he could think over and over and over again was What have I done? What he’d done was ruin the most wonderful, important thing in his life. Was there a way to get it back? Was there something he could do to fix it? Was there any world where Adam could possibly forgive him? Fight for him, Noah had said. And that’s exactly what Ronan needed to do. * * * Ronan had no memory of moving, or of time passing at all. He couldn’t recall getting his keys, or driving his car, or going up the stairs at the back of St. Agnes. One moment, he was sitting on the curb outside Monmouth Manufacturing coming to a decision, and the next, he was standing outside the front door of Adam's apartment. He didn’t give himself any time to change his mind or chicken out; he brought his hand up to the door and knocked once, twice, three times, firm and sure. There was silence for several seconds, and Ronan held his breath in anticipation. Everything froze around him as he waited and waited and feared what would come next. Nearly hoped for what came next, but then stopped himself. Hope was a dangerous, fickle thing, and something he couldn’t afford just yet.After a minute or an hour or a year or a lifetime, the door opened, and Ronan’s heart began rabbiting in his chest because there was Adam Parrish. Right in front of him, and closer than he’d been in two weeks. Close enough to touch. He looked like shit. Adam had looked rough every time Ronan had seen him since the breakup, but he looked even worse just then. There were dark circles beneath his red-rimmed eyes that told the story of how badly he’d been sleeping, and his face somehow looked thinner and gaunter than usual. Getting punched in the face the day before had clearly done him no favors, either, and Ronan’s eyes paused for a few moments on the deep purple bruise painting the entire left side of his face. Reluctantly, Ronan trailed his eyes down, to the bare skin of Adam’s legs where they were clad in just boxers, and to the baggy black t-shirt hanging limply off his frame. Ronan realized all at once that the t-shirt was actually his own, and he had to swallow down a sudden lump in his throat. He looked like shit, and yet he looked as beautiful as ever. He looked like everything Ronan had ever wanted, ever needed. He looked like the other half of Ronan’s soul. And suddenly, the only words that would leave Ronan’s lips were, “I’m in love with you.”Adam froze in shock, his mouth dropping open just a bit. His face was unreadable, his mind surely running at a thousand miles per hour like always. Ronan waited, and he tried again to bat down the worthless, fledgling creepings of hope. Then Adam slammed the door in his face. Never in his life more thankful for his honed reflexes from years of tennis and boxing with his brothers, Ronan managed to jam his foot in the doorway at the last second, keeping the door open just a crack, but he couldn’t help from yelping a bit at the pain of the hit. “Fuckity ow, Parrish, what the–”“Don’t,” Adam hissed, kicking his own foot at Ronan’s to try to dislodge it. Ronan kept his foot firmly in place as he repeated, “I’m in love with you.” It seemed suddenly like the only thing worth saying at all. Anger flashed in Adam’s light eyes. “Shut up. Don’t say that. Don’t fucking say that.”“It’s the truth,” Ronan said firmly. “I’m in love with you.” “Ronan, I swear to God–”“I’m in love with you,” Ronan interrupted him, and then he said it again because he needed to. “I’m in love with you. I’m in love with you, Adam.”At that, some of the fight finally went out of Adam’s eyes, and he stopped trying to kick Ronan’s foot out of the way. His hand fell limply away from the door, but he didn’t make any move to open it further. Ronan did instead, pulling it open so they were fully face-to-face, but not taking a step inside. “You don’t get to say that to me,” Adam said finally, and Ronan could hear the hurt in his voice and see it in his eyes. Anger, yes, but also pain. Sadness. “Not after what you did.”“I know,” Ronan replied quickly. “But I’m saying it anyway. Because it’s the truth, and I need you to hear it.”“No, it’s not,” Adam snapped. “You're not in love with me. You don’t want me. You made that pretty fucking clear.” “I didn’t mean it. That’s not what I meant.”“Then why’d you do it, Ronan? If that’s not what you meant, then why the hell did you do it?” Adam asked, and that was the million-dollar question. Ronan didn’t lie, and he had nothing to hide anymore. All he had was the ugly, horrible truth, and all that was left to do was share it. “Because you’re leaving,” Ronan answered. “You’re going to Harvard and I’m staying here. And when you’re there, you’re going to find someone else. Someone who’s smarter and easier and less broken. Because that’s what you deserve. But then you won’t come home again, and this will be over.”Adam listened as Ronan spoke, his eyes hard and his expression thoughtful. When Ronan finished, he paused for a few seconds, but then said, “So, what? You preemptively dumped me so I couldn’t break up with you when I left?”Yes, that was what Ronan had done, but it sounded so ridiculous coming from Adam’s lips. All Ronan could manage in response was a shrug. “That’s idiotic. You’re an idiot.” “This is news to no one, Parrish.”And then Adam laughed. It was quick and short and quiet but real, and it made Ronan’s whole heart clench. He’d missed that sound so badly it ached. He wanted to hear it again, and again, and again. He wanted to earn it back. When the laugh ended, Adam’s face dropped again. He bit down hard on his bottom lip, his head cocked to the side in thought. He stayed like that for over a minute, Ronan just watching and holding his breath. Waiting. And then Adam spoke, and the words he said changed everything. Adam said, “I’m going to the University of Virginia.”“Wh-What?” Ronan stuttered out.“I’m going to the University of Virginia,” Adam repeated, like the issue was that Ronan hadn’t heard. Ronan opened his mouth to speak but then closed it when the words didn’t come. Finally, he managed to get his lips moving enough to ask, “Why?”“Because it’s where Blue and Gansey are planning on going after their gap year. Because it’s got a great computer science program with a ridiculously high employment rate after graduation. Because they gave me a full ride, plus housing covered and a guaranteed work-study stipend,” Adam answered, ticking down his fingers with each careful, well thought-out reason. He paused and then finally added, “And because it’s exactly one hour and thirty-two minutes away from Singer Falls.”Ronan’s brain shut down.
Wait, what?
“When did you decide this?” Ronan asked.“Right now.”Ronan’s brain rebooted. “Adam, you can’t.”“I would have decided two weeks ago if you’d just told me what was going on,” Adam snapped, but this time his voice was less full of anger and more full of typical Adam-annoyance. “Instead, you had to be a complete moron and make this so much more difficult than it had to be.” Ronan was still having a difficult time computing exactly what it was Adam was saying.“But that isn’t what you wanted,” Ronan said, the words coming out weak and strangled. He wasn’t sure who he was trying to convince. “You wanted to leave. You’ve always wanted to leave.”“Yeah, I did. Did, Ronan. As in used to. But that’s not what matters to me anymore. That’s not what I want now.” Very slowly, Adam took a small step towards Ronan, until they were nearly touching. The space between them sizzled with energy, and Ronan felt his hands twitch to reach out. Finally, he gave in, letting his fingers skim up the cool skin of Adam’s wiry forearms, and his stomach flip-flopped when he saw Adam shiver at his touch. Eventually, Adam’s eyes drifted shut. Voice soft, he said, “Ask me what I want now, Ronan.”Ronan could barely force out the words. Everything felt hazy and strange and not real, but somehow at the same time, like the most real moment he’d ever experienced. “What do you want, Adam?” he asked.Adam opened his eyes again. They were pale and tired and so, so resolved looking. Ronan held them and he felt entranced. “I want you. More than I’ve ever wanted anything,” Adam answered, just like he had all those months ago, and just like then, warmth burst in Ronan’s chest and flooded his whole body, and he felt happy. It was stronger this time–more noticeable in comparison to the darkness he’d been feeling for two weeks straight. “Are you sure?” he asked because he needed to know for certain. “I am,” Adam said with a nod. “And Ronan?”“Yeah?”Adam smiled, and it was that rare, true smile that Adam so rarely gave out. “I’m in love with you, too, you dumbass.” And then Ronan had to kiss him. He had to. It was like every moment in his life had led him to the front steps of Adam’s apartment, to his hands resting on Adam’s biceps, to Adam’s smile and his words and the knowledge that even after everything that had happened, Adam still wanted him. Adam loved him. When their lips touched, it felt like coming home.
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
“Oh, I can’t stop you putting roots in my dreamland, my house of stone, your ivy grows, and now I’m covered in you.”
-Ivy, Taylor Swift
Adam Parrish was different. It was as innate to him as his hair or his skin or his voice. It was impossible to not notice, impossible to ignore. He’d known it about himself for practically as long as he’d known anything. The difference was that nowadays, being different didn’t feel like such a bad thing. After high school, everything changed for what felt like the thousandth time in Adam’s life. Noah headed off to NYU, with no plans of what to study or do besides Henry Cheng, of course, who was only a few miles uptown at Columbia. Blue and Gansey headed off in the Pig for their Gap Year Cross Country Road Trip Extravaganza (a name that Gansey found so charming he'd printed it on matching t-shirts for the two of them), with plans to head for college together when the year was up. And Adam headed off to the University of Virginia, exactly one hour and thirty-two minutes away from the Barns and the boy who resided there. The first year had been hard, filled with doubts and sleepless nights and phone calls that lasted for hours and hours. At times, Adam felt more lonesome than he had in years before, but each time the feeling struck, he knew it could be remedied by a weekend at the Barns, wrapped up in Ronan Lynch’s arms. It became easier the second year when Blue and Gansey came, and Adam could find himself regularly back in harmony with two of the people who made him feel most like himself. He spent that year perfecting the art of third wheeling.The third year was the year that Adam finally got a single room, which greatly upgraded his options when it came to reuniting with his boyfriend. Ronan couldn’t sneak away from the Barns as often as Adam could sneak away from college (since running a farm turned out to be far more work than Adam had been expecting), but soon they'd worked out a schedule that made it so they never had to go more than a couple weeks without spending a night together. The fourth year was a marathon, the final dash to the finish line that was perfect grades and excellent recommendations, and finally, finally a job offer from a company he actually wanted to work for. And then there was the rush of graduation, of standing in his ugly cap and gown and walking across the stage just to hear the hooting and hollering from the audience of his friends who'd become his family. The fifth year, Adam begrudgingly rented an apartment in Washington, DC and started up work. The pay was high, the job was prestigious, and it was everything he'd worked for, but he'd never in his life been sadder than when he'd driven away from the Barns at the end of summer with his car full of boxes. DC was barely further than Charlottesville, but the extra distance felt like a gunshot, and Adam spent much of the year violently throwing himself into his new job and sleeping until noon on the weekends.The sixth year, Adam helped Ronan move his mother into a beautiful little house in Belfast. She'd come out of treatment to live with him after high school, and although it had taken years for her to fully regain her health, she was well enough by then that she wanted to go home. Home, she'd said, and they'd all known she’d meant Ireland. Adam had taken extra vacation days to go with them on the move, and it was his first time out of the country. He and Ronan had traveled around Europe for a bit afterward, eating pastries and sightseeing and acting like rich tourists, and it was everything Adam had ever dreamed about as a kid. The seventh year, he came home. His job had always known that Adam’s goal was to one day go fully remote. They’d known that Adam had a farm in the mountains waiting for him, and a partner he was sick and tired of only seeing on weekends. And after his second full year with the company, they came to an agreement for Adam to work remotely year-round, with only occasional trips to the DC office every couple of months. He packed up his spare belongings from his apartment that had never really been his home and didn't look back. The eighth year, they got married. It was a quiet and little affair, with just the most important people in their lives. And that night after they'd said their vows, they sat on the same roof of the shed where they'd first kissed and kissed again, but this time with the knowledge that this was their future. Their lives. After that, life settled into a blissful state of normalcy. And although Adam still felt different when he met with his coworkers, or when he ran into people from Henrietta in the grocery store, it didn't feel like the anchor weighing him down that it once did. Now, he felt confident and secure in his differences. And he never felt more at ease than in those rare moments when he and his family were all back together again. It was a long weekend for one of those holidays that nobody really celebrated anyway, so the whole group had made the trek out from their various locations to meet back up at the Barns. Noah came from the furthest since he still lived out in New York City, where he worked as a social worker specializing in children with severe trauma. Blue and Gansey, on the other hand, had come from quite close, since they had been staying in Henrietta for the time being. After the two of them finished at UVA, Blue started up a job as an ecologist, and Gansey started up his PhD in artifact-focused sociology. It was a perfect combination that gave them both the time, space, and reason to travel as much as possible, but they always made sure to come back home to Henrietta as often as they could, where they could spend time with family and Gansey could continue chasing his dead Welsh king, who, miraculously, he finally found, actually buried and hidden in the foothills of Virginia. The feat had left him famous in certain small and hyper-specific circles, but more importantly, proud and content for one of the first times in his life. The five of them were crowded in the Barns’ kitchen, Ronan and Adam flitting around as they cooked up dinner. Gansey was leaning back against the refrigerator, arms crossed in front of him as he watched Blue and Noah, who were both sitting on the kitchen counter, spoons in hand as they ate out of an open tub of ice cream that was balancing on Blue’s very pregnant belly. “I don’t see what the issue is,” Adam was saying. “Neither of you even want to name this baby Richard.”“It doesn’t matter what we want,” Gansey sighed, rubbing his eyes. “If it’s a boy and we don’t name him Richard, it will literally kill my parents. They still haven’t gotten over her not taking my last name.”“You would really saddle another kid with the name ‘Dick’ just to avoid pissing off your parents?’ Noah asked meaningfully. Gansey paused as if to think for a moment, but then emphatically answered, “Yes.” “It doesn’t matter, anyway,” Blue said, dropping her spoon into the now-empty tub of ice cream. “It’s not happening. Not in a million years.” “Blue, love–”“Not. Happening.”Adam interrupted their bickering to say, “Maybe it’ll be a girl and it won’t even matter.”Blue brought her hands up in a mocking prayer position. “God fucking willing.” “What will you name it if it is?” Noah asked. Gansey and Blue exchanged a bit of eye contact, and then she answered, “We’re thinking Maura. After Mom.” Adam couldn’t help a soft smile from spreading across his face. “That’s nice. She’ll like that.”“We thought so, too,” Gansey replied. They were all interrupted by the loud noise of Noah’s phone vibrating against where it sat on the counter. He picked it up and typed for a few moments before saying, “How long ‘til dinner?”Ronan glanced at the oven timer. “Twenty minutes.”“Henry?” Gansey asked.“Yeah. Wants me to FaceTime for the sunset. Says he ‘misses that Virginia sky.’ Drama queen,” Noah scoffed, but his voice was full of fondness. Blue dropped the ice cream tub down on the counter and leaned to see better out the window. “Well, it’s about to start setting. Help me down.”Adam grabbed her outstretched hand and helped her hobble off the counter, but then he passed her over to Gansey, who placed a hand gently on her back as if trying to stabilize her. Not too long ago, Blue would have been pushing him off, but nearly eight months pregnant, she seemed happy to let him coddle her just a bit. It was a softer side of Blue than Adam typically saw, and he was happy that she’d reached a point where she was so comfortable. Gansey started to shepherd her and Noah out towards the back porch door, but Blue turned around at the last second to beckon at Adam. “You guys coming?”“Be there in a sec,” Adam replied. Blue smiled at him as the three of them filtered outside, but then Adam turned his attention to where Ronan was leaning over, head in the oven while he checked on their lasagna. “What?” Ronan asked, always creepily in tune with when Adam was looking at him. “Just enjoyin’ the view,” Adam drawled, crossing the kitchen to stand just behind Ronan. Ronan closed the oven and stood upright, but he backed up until he was pressed against Adam’s chest and dropped his head backward to rest on Adam’s shoulder. “You really like my ass that much, Parrish?”“Yes. And it's Parrish-Lynch, actually.”Ronan barked out a laugh, but then spun around in Adam's arms to face him. Adam leaned his forehead down to rest against Ronan’s and then ran his fingers through his hair, long and curly since Ronan started growing it out again a few years back. “You ever think about having kids?” he asked, unsure that he was going to say the words until they left his lips. Ronan leaned back enough to meet his eyes and cocked an eyebrow mockingly. “I think you’d have a pretty hard time knocking me up, but you're welcome to give it a go.”“There's other ways, obviously.” Adam rolled his eyes, but then more seriously said, “We don't ever have to if you don't want to, but I've thought about it.”Ronan’s eyes softened and he leaned forward to press a quick kiss to Adam’s lips. “I've thought about it, too,” he said, voice gentle and sweet. They stayed like that–gentle and sweet–for a few moments before Ronan cheekily smiled and grabbed Adam’s ass. “You’d make a hot DILF.”“Ew, don't ever say that again,” Adam said, laughing and scrunching his nose. He leaned forward once more to peck a kiss on Ronan’s nose. “We'll talk about it later. How's the lasagna?”“Lasagna-ing.”“Just how I like it,” Adam said with another laugh, and then he took Ronan’s hand in his and asked, “Ready?”“Ready,” Ronan agreed, and then the two of them headed off to the porch, to the sunset, and their friends, and the incredible life stretched out in front of them. It was all very good.