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Bucky came from a time when buying a dame flowers was just simply proper etiquette for a date. Some fellas complained about that kind of thing, but Bucky liked it.The truth is, young James Buchanan Barnes was a hopeless romantic. Now Steve would probably laugh at that but that was on account of Bucky always taking so many girls out on dates. The thing Steve didn’t understand was that was just the game, the fun, the chase of it all. Bucky liked that part too but really, he was waiting for the right one. The one he was going to go all out for, make all the stops for. He couldn't wait.He never did find the one, of course. And after his eighty-year imprisonment, as he likes to refer to it, he lost his romantic side altogether. He physically cannot do it anymore. He knows this because when Sam asked him on their first date, Bucky spent all afternoon at a flower shop so sure he was buying the man a bouquet but he ended up leaving with nothing. He couldn’t do it and all night, he talked himself out of doing a single romantic thing.He felt foolish. Like Sam would laugh at him or maybe it would be Steve laughing in his mind. Whatever it was, it held him back from doing anything even remotely romantic. Before the war, terms of endearment used to fall from his mouth as easy as breathing. Bucky hasn’t been able to call Sam anything other than his name. He hasn’t uttered a single sweetheart or doll. God, he wants to but every time he opens his mouth, his tongue goes dry and the damn word never makes it past his lips.His therapist has theorized it’s from his fear of rejection. When he told her, he already got the date with Sam, she said it didn’t matter and stood her ground on the fear theory.Bucky doesn’t like the fear theory. He’s not scared. He was for a very long time, in those beginning years with them, he only remembers the time vaguely. But he’s not scared anymore, the worst has already happened to him. He doesn’t really see how Sam rejecting flowers could come close.Nevertheless, Bucky cares a lot about his dates with Sam. He wants to show his romantic side because yeah, Sam is incredible and Sam deserves that. Sam deserves everything. He’d love to woo Sam the old-fashioned way — any way honestly. If only Bucky’s entire physical being didn’t revolt against any attempt to.He’s not sure if Sam knows. Sam’s not the most romantic guy either but maybe he figures Bucky’s not into cheesy, sweet, considerate things and so he doesn’t do them either. Bucky thinks about this all the time. He’d hate to know Sam was holding back a part of himself too. Trying not to do too much. Bucky wants to quite literally shower Sam with gifts but he hasn’t bought him anything more than dinner since they’ve been dating for three months now.Once, Bucky asked his therapist why Sam doesn’t break up with him. She told him romance isn’t the only important thing in a relationship and that Sam might find romance in the more mundane things Bucky does. That doesn’t make any goddamn sense. Like Bucky is somehow romantic when he pours coffee or knocks out a criminal or yells directions at Sam on a mission or fucks him on the jet afterward. God, none of that is romantic and Bucky hates that. Why the fuck can’t he be romantic?He knows it sounds silly to want something so much and not just do it but when he says he physically can’t, he means it.One time, he tried to write Sam a love note. His thinking was if he left it on the kitchen table, he couldn’t help if Sam read it. And then he wouldn’t feel like he’s doing a romantic thing, he was merely writing down how he felt. The rest was out of his hands. The problem was his hand wouldn’t let him write it. He got two words in and froze. He stared at those two words until Sam came home and asked if he was okay. They haven’t said I love you yet and Bucky’s terrified about that too. He tells his therapist he doesn’t know if he’ll ever be able to say it with his current track record. She claims that romantic gestures and telling someone you love them are different. It’s not to Bucky. He didn’t tell his therapist this but he already knows he’s in love with Sam, madly in love with him. And he’s tried reciting the words to himself in the mirror when he’s home alone. He still couldn’t say it.There’s something wrong with him, he knows this. He’s messed up. And he wants to tell Sam that but he knows Sam will get mad at him for being hard on himself. It’s not that, he really is just messed up.A lot of nights, Bucky finds himself zoning out thinking about all of this. He worries that Sam will leave him if he can never say those three words back… if Sam even feels it at all. Most of the time when Bucky’s out of it, Sam will draw him back to reality and tease him over staring at the wall.Tonight, Bucky’s lying next to Sam in bed. They’re both resting against the headboard watching some show that Bucky’s too spaced out to be paying attention to. When suddenly, Sam straddles him.Bucky blinks down at Sam’s spread thighs over his lap.“Eyes up here, Buck.”“Huh?” Bucky mumbles not lifting his gaze when Sam guides both his hands up over his chest. Bucky instantly tracks the movement and goes to grab his boyfriend’s waist when Sam stops him.“No touching.”“What?” Bucky’s eyes snap up, his hands freezing midreach. “What’re we playing?”“We’re not playing anything. Can’t I sit on my boyfriend when I feel like it?” Sam grins.“Why can’t I touch?” Bucky pouts.“Cause I want you to be honest with me.”“What’s honesty got to do with where my hands are?”“Buck, focus.”Sam is greatly underestimating his ability to focus when he’s on top of him but he tries. He drops his hands to his sides.“Honest about what?” Bucky asks.“Where you go when you space out like that.”Bucky tries to hide how hard he swallows but Sam’s eyes glancing at his throat tell him it’s noticeable.“I get if you don’t wanna talk about some things but I just need to know if it’s about me,” Sam says.Bucky swallows again. Then he shakes his head no but stops halfway to almost nod yes. Sam tilts his head in confusion.“Is it?”“Sam, it’s not…” his sentence fades to nothing. This is his worst fear coming true.“I just want the truth,” Sam says after a long beat of silence.“I don’t know if I can,” Bucky admits quietly.Sam frowns a bit. He frames Bucky’s face and leans in to leave the most gentle peck on his lips then he draws back again.“Can you try?”“Okay,” Bucky agrees.Sam slides off his lap, settling next to him again.“If it helps, you can ask me something first. Anything you want. I’ll be honest too.”Bucky’s mind races with a thousand questions. He wants to know if Sam loves him, if Sam would leave him for not being romantic enough, if Sam’s ever disappointed in him…Sam clears his throat. Bucky’s not sure how long he’s been thinking. He decides to avoid the relationship questions. There are other things he’d like to know. He feels vulnerable asking this one but he knows he’s not ready to answer Sam’s question, so he might as well get an answer he’s been wondering about for a while now.“Do you think I’ve gotten too soft?”Sam stays quiet for a beat.“Soft?” he repeats.“Since you’ve known me?” Bucky clarifies.“I’ve only known you now and when you were brainwashed so I feel like that’s a little unfair.”Bucky stays quiet now. Sam looks at him.“What’s so bad about being soft?” Sam asks.Bucky shrugs and averts his gaze to the other corner of the room.“I’m just not sure if this is how I am or if I’m trying too hard not to be the thing I was forced to be…”“Buck. If you trying to be a good person and not hurt anyone else makes you soft then yeah you’ve gotten soft and thank god.”It makes Bucky smile. Sam always makes him smile though so it’s pretty easy.“I’m a lot different now,” Bucky says.“Aren’t we all?”Bucky shrugs again.“I mean before the war. I was… um, kind of a romantic.”“You?” Sam feigns surprise. It makes Bucky huff out a breathy laugh.“I… well, this has to do with me spacing out,” Bucky says and Sam’s face falls serious again. “There’s something wrong with me.”“No, there’s not,” Sam interrupts.“I mean, I want to do all these things for you. I really want to and something won’t let me,” Bucky says, pausing a moment to gather his words. “Remember when you found me trying to write something at the table but I’d only written two words?”Sam nods.“I was trying to write you a letter.”“A love letter?” Sam’s eyes widen with amusement.“Yeah, actually, but I couldn’t write it. And there are a lot of other things I want to say to you and I can’t and I’m scared that… that’ll be it. One day, I won’t be able to say or do all the things I should and you’ll want to be done with me.”“Buck, I don’t care about stuff like that. You don’t gotta write me love letters.”“It’s not the letters or the million gifts I’ve wanted to buy you and haven’t. It’s saying…”“Oh,” Sam says when he seems to realize. “You mean, the big three?”“The big three? I’m not talking about aliens—”“The big three words, Buck. I know them.”Bucky nods looking away again. They sit in another stretch of silence.“So, you’re trying to say them which means… you already feel them?” Sam asks.He sounds nervous and that terrifies Bucky. It tells him Sam definitely can’t feel the same. Bucky doesn’t say anything which somehow tells Sam enough.“We’ve only been dating three months, you know?” Sam says.“Yeah, I know. It’s too early, I wasn’t gonna say it. I haven’t said it technically. So we can just forget about this, can’t we?” Bucky pleads, panicking.Sam grabs his hand and smiles.“Breathe, I’m not breaking up with you,” Sam says and even waits a second for Bucky to take a breath in. “I’m just surprised. I mean, you said it yourself, you’re not the most romantic guy and so I wasn’t expecting something like this so soon.”“I didn’t say it,” Bucky says again.“I was just worried I’d never be able to.”“I’m glad you told me all this,” Sam says. He cups Bucky’s face. “I didn’t know you were struggling with this.”“I don’t know why,” Bucky says. “My therapist says it’s fear but I don’t feel scared, I feel lucky.”“Lucky?”“To be with you at all. You have no idea, Sam. When you asked me out, I felt like the luckiest guy in the world.”Sam presses forward and kisses him.“You know, I haven’t been very romantic either.”“I know,” Bucky mumbles quietly. “But I don’t mind.”“I thought you didn’t like that stuff.”Bucky pulls back frowning. “I knew it.”“But hey, I can be romantic too,” Sam offers.Bucky sighs closing his eyes for a moment.“You don’t have to. I already regret all the things I haven’t done for you.”“Hey, don’t regret anything. I’m happy, Buck. I’m right here with you every night, aren’t I?”“Yeah but…”“No buts. I’m happy with no romance at all — as long as I’m with you.”Bucky’s speechless by that one. It might be the most romantic thing he’s ever been told and that’s ironic given what was said.Bucky nods with a small smile.“You’re amazing, Sam. I…”He struggles to finish his sentence so Sam just kisses him again. It helps.They let the rest of the conversation fade into the silence. Sam pulls him closer and they fit into each other, like they always do, legs and arms intertwining.They turn back to the TV and Bucky wonders once more what there is to be afraid of. He’s in love with Sam Wilson and one day, he’s going to find a way to tell him.