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if this was a stereotypical fic, you might’ve said that it was storming outside, the rain hitting the ground with hatred as the winds raged against the trees. but, of course, instead of the weather corresponding with your mood, it was irritably nice. the sun beamed down on concrete, kids were laughing at a nearby park, and birds were chirping happily as they flew above.
you only wished that the good weather could project its happiness onto you, to suck all the sadness and anxiety and… emptiness out of you. but that couldn’t happen. especially not on a day like this.
you thought about death a lot. specifically your death and how you would do it.
you hadn’t been happy for a while. that much was clear. hanging out with friends was draining, and although you loved them, it didn’t erase the constant numbness in your chest. even things that you loved doing — or, used to love doing — just seemed dull and boring and you couldn’t find a reason to do them anymore. no matter how much you tried, you couldn’t erase the empty feeling inside you — the
broken
feeling inside of you. it was…tiring, being constantly gloomy, constantly sad or anxious. it was tiring to just
exist
. and no matter how hard you tried, it was getting harder and harder and harder to find a reason to go on.
so, you scoped out a bridge at the other end of town that was surrounded by a sparsely populated neighborhood — filled with people that probably wouldn't bat an eye if they saw you take the plunge. it took a while to build up the courage, but you eventually did. after writing a note and sticking it onto the surface of your desk, you left your house and walked to your destination.
you had all your affairs in order. you had given some stuff to close friends (well,
friend singular
, not a lot of people liked you. you couldn’t exactly blame them, you didn’t like you either) giving them the excuse that you just
didn’t want it anymore
so they wouldn’t get suspicious. (you thought back to one of those suicide prevention assemblies your school had and breifly questioned if they remembered the ‘signs that someone is suicidal’ slide in the presentation.) after leaving one long message for your friend that hopefully wasn’t
too
obvious, you left your phone at home. you didn’t want anyone or anything to get in your way.
yes you did. you wanted someone —
anyone
to reach out, to help you. maybe it was too late though.
you reached the bridge shorter than expected. time really flies in situations like these, huh? you walked along the side, hand sliding against the aged metal railing, feeling every bump and every place the metal rode up from years of exposure. stopping at the highest point, you looked out at the river below you. the sun reflected off the water and small fishes nipped at the surface of the stream. you wondered if the fishes would get to your body before anyone else could. you wondered if anyone else would even find your body. you wouldn’t be surprised if anyone who saw it let it decay, washed up on the side of river with maggots crawling through its sunken eye sockets.
you feel like you should be crying — you’re about to end your life,
(not that it was much of a life anyway)
but you just
couldn’t
. you couldn’t feel much of anything, and forcing yourself to feel anything would take too much energy, so you just… stared out at the world. you looked up at the sky. the sun was setting, painting the skies a beautiful blend of pink and orange. it was breathtaking.
you silently promised to whoever was listening that you would make a pretty sunset.
you placed one foot on the railing, hoisting yourself up and over. the tips of your toes barely fit on the remaining surface of the bridge and you held onto the railing behind you. your grip wasn’t tight and you shifted your foot slightly to be closer to the edge, disturbing loose gravel and you watched as it softly plinked into the running water. you didn’t know what you were waiting for. maybe you were waiting for someone to reach out from behind you, to pull you away from the edge, to help you. but this wasn’t a fairy tail and there would be no knight in shining armor.
closing your eyes, you took a deep breath and whispered a soft apology into the wind before letting go of the railing and taking the step off.
you felt the wind rushing past you and you could only brace yourself for the fall into ice cold water. but, suddenly, the wind stopped and everything fell silent. then, a voice rang out, one that made your heart drop to your toes and open your eyes in shock.
“hey, kiddo… maybe give a guy a warning next time you decide to take a dive,” sans, the guardian of your friend — frisk… god, what were they going to think? you hadn’t expected them to see the text so early — was bracing himself against the railing that you were hanging onto just moments before.
sans had always been at the house to look after frisk when you came over, and it hadn’t taken long for you to like him. he was funny, laid back, and let you and frisk stay up late during sleepovers. he’d been looking at you funny recently — when you could only crack a small smile when he made puns that you used to laugh your ass off at, when you refused to eat at their house, giving the excuse that you had just eaten although you would come over right after school had ended and lunch would’ve been hours ago. you brushed it off, not thinking he suspected anything. but now he
definitely
knew. and it terrified you.
you then noticed that you were levitating — sans was using his magic. it wasn’t uncommon, and the trick he was using on you would usually be used on both you and frisk when you were caught doing something you shouldn’t. but the situation was… much less lighthearted at that moment.
sans lifted you up, lowering you back down onto the ground next to him before finally releasing the hold he had on your soul. he took a shaky breath and put his hands by his side before he turned to you. his anxiety and fear was clear on his face — his eye lights had shrunken and his smile seemed much more strained. he spoke again after a minute of silence, making you look up at him after just sitting there for a while. “…kid?”
you don’t know how, but with just one word, the waterworks came. your bottom lip quivered before you broke out into a sob. hot tears quickly streamed down your red face and you hung your head in a weak attempt to hide it. you felt hesitant arms wrap around you, and you melted into the touch, your hands gripping into the familiar fabric of the jacket as you cried into the shoulder of a skeleton you looked up to more than anyone. why did it have to be
him
that found you? what was he going to think of you now?
“i’m sorry, i’m sorry— i’m so sorry,” you repeated the phrase over and over again, voice choked up from the sobs. you squeezed your eyes shut , trying to put an end to the tears that kept coming no matter what. sans’ arms tightened around you, his gloved hand rubbing circles into your back as his other hand rested on your head protectively.
he let you cry into his jacket for a few minutes until the tears slowed and fewer and fewer apologies came out. you didn’t move, still holding onto the monster for dear life as your hands ached from being clenched around his jacket for so long. you didn’t open your eyes, both because you didn’t have the energy — but also because you didn’t know what you would see when you opened them. would sans look at you with disgust? well, he hadn’t pushed you away yet, so at least you had that going for you.
you heard him say something to you, and, although your brain was too exhausted to fully process anything, you nodded quietly. he stood up, still holding you in his arms, and warped away from the bridge. it felt as though time was frozen for a moment and you were falling through space before you appeared in another
brighter
place. you turned your head to hide your face in the crook between sans’ cervical spine and his hood, blocking any light from reaching you.
“hey, kid?” sans asked slowly, jostling you a bit. you hummed in acknowledgment. “how’s about we get you nice an’ warm? then… we needa talk.” you noticed his voice was a bit shakier than usual and you immediately felt a wave of guilt crash over you. sans set you down on a cushioned surface, their couch, and went into the kitchen. you watched him leave before something at the top of the stairs caught your attention.
frisk stood at the top of the stairs, looking at you with an expression that made the guilt intensify tenfold so much that you had to look away. you heard them walk down the stairs until they were on ground level. you spared a glance over to them, anxiously fiddling with the hoodie string of sans’ jacket (he left you his jacket, you realized. you tugged it on, holding it impossibly closer to you). “i’m sorry,” your voice was small and pathetic and you bit the inside of your cheek so hard you could taste blood on your tongue.
before you knew it, they crashed into you, wrapping you in a hug so tight you thought your eyes would pop out of your head. the amount of protectiveness and security you felt started it all up again. warm tears gathered in your eyes and you hug them back just as tightly, unable to control the sobs escaping your mouth. something clicked on the coffee table and you opened your eyes to see sans setting down a steaming cup of tea. it was your favorite flavor. you could tell from the smell.
frisk let go of you and gave you your space while still being close for comfort. sans sat next to them, looking at you with wavering eye lights. with all eyes on you, you felt a sudden rush of insecurity. “look, kiddo,” sans started, his tone awkward and hesitant, “i know this isn’t a talk that’s really…” he trailed off, not being able to find the words. he mumbled under his breath along the lines of
‘man being responsible is hard’
and frisk placed a hand on his bony arm. “it just… needs to happen sooner or later. just… why?”
and that’s the age old question, isn’t it? “why”.
why would you want to end it all? why would you want to commit suicide?
and it’s so
pathetic
because you don’t have a straight answer. when you didn’t answer for a certain amount of time, sans looked at frisk and nodded his head towards the stairs. they got the message and sent you one more glance before retreating upstairs. you and sans sat in silence for a while before the latter sighed and shifted to lean against the back of the couch and stare up at the ceiling.
“y’know, i’ve been where you’re at, kid,” your head snapped up to him in shock and he just nodded solemnly, “yeah. just a year ago, when all of us were still underground. i… i was so tired all the time. physically and mentally. it felt like there was no point to go on and that everything would always be the same. that the snow would be the only thing i would see for eternity. that… that hall would always be the last thing i see before i dust,” he took a brief pause, closing his eye sockets. “where am i going with this — what i’m trying to say, kid, is that i know how you’re feeling. i’ve been there. but i also know that this isn’t the solution.”
you… didn’t know what to say to that. to think that
sans
of all people knew what you were going through, the guy who cracked puns day and night and didn’t care about anyone’s opinions on him and treated every situation with a laid back attitude. you were almost jealous.
“i was just… so sick and tired of
everything
,” you spoke up, your voice choked up from the previous crying fest. “i’ve felt like this for so long that i’ve gotten so…
accustomed to
the feeling. and it felt like no matter what i did; i would always have this void inside of me, that i would always be broken. and when everything started feeling dull, when everything got too
overwhelming
to the point where it felt like i was suffocating — when everything just got too much but also so little at the same time — i just… took it as a sign that it was time to go,” when you finished your rant, you had a fresh batch of tears rolling down your face. although you felt like you had cried enough today, they didn’t stop no matter what. “i just wanted it all to
stop
, i didn’t want to keep living if i had to live a life where i would never feel okay. i didn’t want to live if it meant feeling
empty
after every joyous activity, after hanging out with frisk. i
have
happy moments — but they just feel so short lived compared to
this
.”
you could barely get through your sentences and sans had enveloped you in another hug. you welcomed the warmth and you held him close. you cried into his shoulder and let yourself feel safe and
wanted
in his arms. after a few minutes, he sighed and began talking as you stayed close in his arms.
“that’s just… how it is for us. people like you me, kid, we’re always gonna have that seed of sadness inside of us and that’s not something we can change,” he rubbed circles into your back comfortingly and you melted into his touch. you hadn’t realized just how touch starved you had been until today. “but, we have our friends and family. you have
us
. you have me, frisk, paps, tori — we’re all here for you, kiddo. and we’re not going anywhere.”
you whisper a small, broken ‘
thank you’
to him, squeezing your eyes shut.
after what seemed like forever, you pulled out of the embrace, looking down at the green couch to avoid eye contact. you glanced over to the tea on the coffee table that was probably cold by then.
“now, after a day like this, i say you, me, and the kid get comfy and binge t.v. until we pass out,” sans suggested with a light hearted smile. almost all of the worry and anxiety and panic was gone from his face and you almost breathed a sigh of relief. “howzaboutit?”
you found it in you to give a smile back and nodded gratefully. you watched his slouch returned and he stood up to go retrieve frisk.
when they returned, sans made popcorn and the three of you started watching shitty movies and old 80’s sitcoms. you and sans joked back and forth about the characters and predictable plot lines, frisk giggling at the banter before occasionally adding something in sign that would make the three of you crack up.
man, crying a lot today had really taken it out of you, you were exhausted.
the same void was still in your chest, but — looking around at the people around you and feeling the warmth grow bigger than the cold… you think you could stick around a bit longer.