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Air flowed differently in Mount hua, always carrying a sweet pleasant smell. In the night's stillness a single sword could be heard cutting through the wind. Perfect arcs, perfect swings being performed each time with flexibility and strength, flawless. An unattainable goal, I was determined to reach.But he kept going higher, and the distance growing. I was hidden, observing his training from a distance, taking in all his variations and making notes of his execution. The moonlight bounced off his frame, the mountains stood proud in their foundation as the plum blossom trees swayed, letting their petals caress the warm wind.  The sword lowered, pointed at the ground and his stance relaxed. 
Did he finish?
 I wanted to ask him, I wanted to know how. We learned the same techniques yet it felt different when he did it. “Chung!-” I stopped  His proud figure became smaller 'Thud!' 
What was that?
 "... can't" he pursed his lips He was slumped on the floor, one hand on his face. "I…" a pained smile His expression distorted to one of sorrow I had become familiar with, but, this one felt heavier. 
Is it because, he thinks he's alone?
 It felt wrong to stay there. “I miss you so much” tears poured down his cheeks and he hid behind his hand. 
Who?
 "Mmm" This wasn't meant for any ears to hear. This admission of grief was too personal for anyone to impose their presence on. I turned around and left quietly, minding not to step on too many leaves and branches. 
He's lost someone too
  As I walked back to the sect's grounds, my mind kept wandering off. His usual confident demeanor seemed so small and frail, he looked like he was going to blend in with the scenario and disappear at any moment. Like a ghost. I was torn between forgetting about it and doing something, anything. He was there for me when we went to visit my father’s grave, he showed my father the blossoms he desperately wanted to see all his life.  
I don't want to leave him alone.
 
What can I do?
 If he expressed his pain in such a secluded place it meant he didn't want anyone to know. After some short deliberation I made up my mind. I wasn't one to do complicated things. I stuck to the bases. What did he like? To drink. What else? To eat. That's what I'll do  _____ It seemed last night had taken a toll on him, his morning routine proceeded as always but as the day went on his mood started to worsen, like the sun was testing his resolve; with him still keeping up a cheerful facade even with those bloodshot eyes.  He must have known I saw him last night, since he looked away everytime we locked eyes. I hadn’t managed to come closer but at least he wasn't running away. 
What's there to be ashamed about? We all have feelings
 I resigned myself to waiting until he relaxed enough to execute my brilliant plan. I stood patiently nearby, biding my time, observing him with a bowl of sweet dried fruit in my hands. The opportunity came when Chung Myung picked up a bottle of alcohol; he was relaxing on the floor, leaning against a wall facing the training hall with an indifferent expression on his face. I came out at once and stood by his side, he looked up. His eyes couldn't lie, there were light bags and tired melancholy under them. “Sago?” I handed him the bowl, then left and hid again. He took one and put it in his mouth "Thanks…"  Chung Myung stared at the fruits one more time before starting munching on them, he stuffed himself while drinking directly from the bottle and soon enough the bowl was empty. I appeared straight away again as I pulled out a second bowl. “Huh?” I sat down next to him, he received the bowl and placed it down on the floor “What is it?" he put on a cheeky smile I slowly came closer and he slouched as if I was going to tell him a secret. I put my arms around him, hugging him from the side, he was startled at first but gradually turned around and hugged me back. I felt his tension dissipate with a sigh. “This is nice”  I had consulted with the sect leader how many seconds would be appropriate for a hug, I was counting them down when I heard him chuckle. I let go pointing at the sweets. “Yes, yes I will” he ate them with a awkward smile Since the plan was a success I stood up and left.  It gave me the desired results but I concluded it wasn’t enough. I needed a second opinion.  _____ As I told Soso of what happened and asked her what to do next, she suggested a meeting with the rest of the group instead, we would put our heads together and figure out an even more effective plan. Everyone was busy but they came anyway, we gathered outside the dining hall; we were hunched over and whispering between ourselves. “How about, we jump him unexpectedly? A good fight it's definitely the way to go”   Jo Gul had a good plan but it lacked self preservation  “Now you are just asking to get beat up”  Yoon Jong didn’t agree  “Tsk. Do you have a better idea?” He put his hands together and separated them to illustrate “I do. He gets along well with the leaders of the Alliance, we can send him on a trip to visit them” “That would take way too long, I don't think he even wants to go out” Soso explained “I think the disciple would appreciate, if we told him how much we care for him”  Hye Yeon’s idea would be too hard to pull off “No. That’s embarrassing." said Jo Gul  “Do you even have any shame, to feel embarrassed?” “I'd like to see you try it then!” “...” “We are going in circles” Baek Cheon spoke for the first time “What are we even debating? Let’s do a big drinking party with roasted meat” We'll rested our chins in our hands and stared down at the floor in deep thought. “How do we justify it?” “We tell Elder Hyung Young, that Chung Myung is feeling down” “Genius” “That’s why you are the Great Sasuk!” With Baek Cheon looking smug we separated and divided the tasks, each went to prepare something and inform the rest of the sect discreetly, since it had to be done tonight, not for any reason in particular but because it felt appropriate.  An outsider looking in at our dynamic for the first time would say that we didn’t like Chung Myung; that he was a ghost and a grumpy old man, and I would agree except for the first part. We love Chung Myung. We knew he went especially hard on us, always pulling us through grueling training that made us want to die, but we couldn’t hate him. We couldn't. With each battle we confirmed his methods worked. Like he desperately wished for us to be safe, not wanting us to get hurt in any way. 
How many times were we saved, by his incessant nagging?
 We knew what his absence felt like, he wasn’t someone that could be replaced. It wasn't that we depended on him but that we knew we were safe, we had faith that he would always solve any problem and save us in the end.  It was almost like he wanted and needed to do it, like he was fighting his overprotective side with a realistically brutal one, only telling us information we could handle and trusting our abilities, but putting himself on the front lines and dealing with the worst, not once caring about the consequences on his body. Fighting by his side and having his back had always made us proud and determined to catch up, not wanting him to carry all that weight alone. Seeing him get hurt made us seethe with rage and dejection, it made us uneasy at the prospect of losing him in one of his reckless endeavors. That was something I didn’t want to imagine.  We were always together on missions; the seven of us had become the de facto group taking care of issues outside the sect. But beyond our identities as disciples and swords of Mount Hua. 
 Aren't we family? 
 At the very least friends and friends supported and comforted one another.  Although we were not the type to openly talk about our feelings -except for Hye Yeon I suppose– we knew we could always count on eachother. We wanted him to know that too. Chung Myung didn’t talk about himself in any meaningful way, trying to figure out his life’s story was attempting a huge puzzle with only a couple of pieces. We knew he loved Mount Hua, he had martial arts knowledge beyond his years, a deep understanding of the politics and economics of the Central Plains, he had the battle instinct of a war veteran and a profound sadness he didn’t want anyone to notice.  He didn’t owe us answers, we just wanted him to know we were there for him. If we couldn’t alleviate his burden yet, surely we could alleviate his troubled heart. Not that we had any idea how to.  _____ By its nature the party was going great, the sounds of laughter and friendly atmosphere was comfortable to be in, everyone welcomed the sudden event and was enjoying the food and drinks to their heart's content. We drank and heard the others share stories all while subtly keeping an eye on our target. Chung Myung who was initially calm and was drinking with everyone had begun to sneak out, separating from the group while taking three bottles of alcohol with him and some snacks, he didn’t take any meat.  With one look of agreement we all gave chase as quietly as possible and counting on the fact that he had drunk, we hoped he wouldn’t notice us. He made his way toward the Lotus Peak and sneaking didn’t make any sense now, there was nothing to hide in, just the stiff mountain bathed in the lonely moonlight. He sat by the edge facing the view and we sat behind him. We had also brought bottles of alcohol, snacks and even meat. We knew we would be here for a while and I would be lying If I said I didn’t hope for a new development, but there was nothing for us to do. Our cups clicked one, two, five times and the stars moved before he opened his mouth. “I’ve lost a lot of people in my life” We froze immediately. He tried to sound monotone but the pain slipped through his voice. None of us spoke, we focused completely on him. He took some time before speaking again. Talking about this was more painful than any injury he had received. “I didn’t have many friends, but, I knew many people” He slowly put the cup on his lips and drank without hurry, his fingers were trembling “Since I was a baby…they took care of me. I considered them… my family”  His voice lost all color. We heard a tears land on his clothes. “...and I tried” his voice fainted, it cracked “I really tried… but I couldn’t save any of them. Not a single one" The weight of those words was too much to bear, I couldn't be sure who wasn't tearing up and trying to contain themselves. Chung Myung wasn't trying anymore. His sobs were too painful to hear. “Sometimes I hear their voices, I'm not really sure if it's them, or just me imagining them” Even though the tears kept falling, his voice didn’t wavered, it would tremble and groan, but it was firm. He was clenching his fist “I couldn’t do anything back then. So, I do what I can now” We didn’t know how to feel about this. It made sense, we understood 
But why? Why were you responsible? Weren't you just a kid?
 “When you were a beggar?”  Jo Gul tried, looking down, hiding his face. I thanked his lack of filter this time. We all did. One look at Chung Myung's pained back told us, the story ran way deeper than that. Still looking at the sky he answered. “They were, from Mount Hua”  He put the cup down and faced us, his expression, though brilliant with tears was serene, and it said that he wouldn’t tell us anything else. We had seen this look before, it was the one he gave us when he considered we couldn't handle the information. But this was enough for us. It all made sense, why he had climbed the mountains of a declining sect; why he had gone through such lengths to revive it and why he thought he had to sacrifice himself for us. We didn’t know how it was possible, it didn’t really add up, that he was raised by disciples of Mount Hua, and how they had died; all of this without the Main sect ever hearing of it. It didn’t explain his prowess; why he knew the martial arts by heart and executed them better than everyone, even when such things required a lifetime of practice, no matter how much of a genius he was; how he knew so much about seemingly everything, having the understanding of an experienced old man or how he seemed at ease in the middle of a battlefield.  
He is younger than us. When did all of this happen?
 And we also didn’t want him to continue regarding himself like this. Like any sacrifice that he made now wasn’t enough. Like he had to pay them back. But they were in the past and we aren't them… Where is he looking when he looks at us? Is this why he's so distant? 
…He's 
 
Doing everything, so it doesn't happen again… 
 
He must have been, so lonely.
 I couldn’t understand all his pain but it seemed like he was taking that resentment and responsibility onto himself. I didn’t like that. He forgot himself, he forgot about us. In the heavy silence Beak Cheon spoke for all of us. "Chung Myung. We are also here, we are here with you now" He looked at us. His entire figure seaming blurry like he was going to disappear at any moment, he reached out to us, and we came even closer. The closer we came the clearer he appeared, like we were anchoring him down.  As if thinking the same thing, we put our hands around him. It was an awkward hug but it conveyed all our sincerity. We had to ground him to this earth, to us. "You're right. I'm here now"

----- CHAPTER BREAK -----

"They talked for hours and hours! Put us all in one place, and had us pay close attention" "Was it important?" Yoon Jong asked "Oh? Very! Teachings of taoism and its principles'' 
So that's why he knew so much, someone taught him.
 "I can't picture Chung Myung staying still for a lecture" followed Tang Soso "And you did?" said Hye Yeon  "Like hell I would! I would sneak out and go for the wine cellar kekeke" "Did they catch you?" Jo Gul was fully entertained "All the time! Put me in solitary confinement in a cave tsk tsk those fools" "How even?" even Yi Iseol chimed in  "My sanh- brother was a strict man, he was with me from the beginning…I couldn't say no to him. He worried a lot" Chung Myung's expression went somber, although the smile didn't leave his lips, his eyes went to the window. "What about traveling?" I asked nervously "Heh, he would sent me on miss- errands all over, brother was busy with managing and finances so I followed his lead" Like a sect leader… "Sounds like you were alone most of the time" Yoon Jong said what we were thinking. "Well, not all the time" sigh "I had a really good friend, he stuck to me like a leech, following me around and picking fights" "Must have been a crazy guy" A sweet smile. Chuckles "He was… we had our fun" he looked down  
Why is he touching his sword?
 "Good times"  Tonight, we had gathered in Chung Myung's room again, since that night it became tradition to converse for a while before going to bed. The sleepiness was getting to us, he also had heavy eyes, sitting back on the floor with his head resting on the bed.  Between the lines of consciousness and dreams he mumbled. "...lly like you brats too" _____ The next day, the sect leader informed us of some strange happenings in Nanying and it seemed worrisome enough that our sub sect had asked for assistance.  As we were told, there was a strong unaffiliated martial artist roaming around, no civilians had been hurt, but multiple evil sect men were killed. Huayoung Gate wasn't directly affected yet, but the people in Nanying were nervous and had demanded they take care of it.  They knew it was too much for them to handle, just by looking at the sheer number of martial artists the man had killed.  It was up to us. We left Mount Hua with a handful of luggage. Traveled as fast as our footwork allowed and once there, the sub sect leader brieft us and we started patrolling the streets right away. Chung Myung was uncharacteristically calm and focused only on patrolling, letting the questioning and leadership to me.  "We have to find them. An unaffiliated martial artist has nothing to lose, whatever their plan is we need to know" Was the only thing he said during the whole investigation.    As we were checking the outskirts of the city Chung Myung perked up, stopped, and started running. "Sasuk, everyone!" We followed him as fast as possible. Chung Myung already had his sword unsheathed, he speed up leaving us behind.  I saw him stop in front of the man and talk to him from a distance. I could see his stance, his demeanor becoming more and more relaxed, like he was coming to an understanding with him. The bizarre thing was, the man was instead on high alert and taking a fighting stance, a low, low stance with an iron whip and a dagger pointed at Chung Myung. The man looked to be around his twenties, he had a well kept appearance, with cheap and clean clothing like he was doing the best he could with what he had, there was an unknown symbol on a cloth bracelet, most of his skin was covered in scars and his hair was neatly tied up. I knew he was strong, his martial arts seemed to be around my level, if I had to take him down it would be a close but brutal figth, that iron wip had bits of flesh from a previous battle it seemed like he didn't have the time to clean it up yet.  "-How dare! you righteous sect bastard, wouldn't understand, what it is like to sacrifice everything you are, to save your legacy" we heard him spat as we came closer. Neither of them acknowledged our presence. Chung Myung looked at the man with a tired, somewhat imposing gaze before raising his sword. "Don't let me see you again" We all stared at him in surprise but said nothing. "I don't want your pity, even if I have to die, for my sect I-" "A chance, you also get a chance" The man looked at Chung Myung for a second and finally looked at us, then he lowered his weapons, turned around showing us his back and ran away using quick footwork. 
Just what happened? 
 Chung Myung spared a man who had his weapons tainted with blood, whom not once during the whole confrontation looked to be amicable. 
What's the reason?
 As the man's figure disappeared in the horizon, he put his sword away and spoke first. "I did that without even asking Sasuk"  
An apology? 
 "Why?"  "He's from an unorthodox sect that disappeared during the demonic war. He's the last remnant" He looked the horizon with a complicated look. "What was his purpose?"  "Revive his sect" Those words stung my heart 
Was this why? Because he related to him?
 "Did you -?" He shook his head. "They protect the common folk, and all those who don't practice martial arts… I thought they were all whipped out during the war" 
There was a sect like that? Whose main purpose was that noble?
 "What was their name?"  "The Mujehan sect" Beyond the Horizon. "I've heard about them" Hye Yeon chimed in "They had secret shelters, for the people to hide in from the battles, many were saved because of it" So as the battlefield was stained with blood, they were keeping the civilians safe and providing for them… Silence covered us. "It was selfish" he apologized again  "It's fine, we will come up with something" "He will not come back here, right?" Jo Gul pointed out "It's as good as solved, let's just say we chased him out" "Works for me" "We'll just say it's been resolved" A heavy sigh  "Let's go home" "To our Mount Hua" From the corner of my eye I thought I saw him smile. _____  "Sasuk! Over here! let's drink~"  I found myself grinning as I looked up and found him on top of a big tree "What about the others?" "Ehhh, we can look for them later" He tapped the tree branch he was on. 
You must have something to say.
 I jumped and sat next to him, he immediately shoved a cup full of alcohol at my face, I resisted shaking my head and took it from him drinking it all in one go. "Ohh! kehehe, our Baek Cheon is all grown up now!" "Heh then I'm glad. How about you, any plans on growing up?" I said jokingly but immediately regretted it  He put on that nostalgic look, the same one he does when looking at the sky. 
Did I say something wrong?
 He wandered off inside his head and spoke again. "Well,I feel more comfortable in my skin these days, maybe I could give it a try" his smile came back but it was weaker than before "I was joking" I put my hand on his head and ruffled his hair, he furrowed his eyebrows, let me do it for a moment before finally getting annoyed and slapping my hand away. I laughed "We like you well enough" He shook his head and smiled._____ We drank in comfortable silence before he stated the reason he wanted to talk to me. "Anyway, how's your training going these days?"  
Is this a threat?
 "You're managing the training of the other disciples" he scratched his cheek "Are you confident of your own progress?" 
I thought he was happy with lazing around these days, he looked peaceful. What happened?
 "I'm learning well while teaching them, things that appear obvious in hindsight, become clearer when it has to be explained" I tried "I see" "I'll ask you, if I feel like I'm becoming stagnant" He nods "and… how's yours going?" 
Have I ever asked about his training?
 "It's fine. Slower than I had hoped for, but" sigh "Some things cannot be rushed" "If your progress is slow then what are we?" I chuckled "You're all moving fast too" he put his hand on my shoulder and have me a small smile "We have different roles" 
I wish you would rely on us.
 
Someday 
______ At some point he started rambling drunkenly going in and out of topics seamingly without order and I wasn't any different, kept adding short remarks saying the first thing I could think of.  I was trying my best to understand what he was telling me but for some strange reason his voice sounded off like there was a discrepancy in what he was saying and what I was hearing. "It's like holding a quill, you know?… and flowing like a plum- Well, I have to let go eventually, all these- weighting me down. Hah I'm so -hic- old now" "You're just saying words!" "Why did I do that? should have killed him? what's got me so emotional?" "It's all resolved now" "There's the alliance… the reason I created it … if anything goes wrong, I have to resolve it" "You're not alone, Chung Myung" "I'm glad I came back to this Mount Hua. They weren't so lucky… died in that wretched mountain, without even a grave… forgotten and abandoned. But I wasn't. Was I blessed or… damned? I still don't know" 
What… is he talking about?
 "I even named my sword after him" "Your friend…" "-but! you have to extend your roots, as far as you can, so they can't pull you out, if they do, destroy them" "An unshakeable will then" "Sanhyung has a kind heart, he will be fine, listen to his advice" "Who?" "...so much to learn… you have become a sturdy pilar, for their future"  "I will" "Hyun Yong has compassionate heart, but lacks a ruthless sword, which you have… to make Mount Hua grow" I got the feeling he wanted me to remember this, something he hadn't managed to say outright but I needed to hear. I made an effort to imprint everything I heard in my memory, in my soul. "I get a little tired, sometimes" "You can rest now" "No. I can't stop yet… but … I'm tired Sasuk"

----- CHAPTER BREAK -----

These days the atmosphere in Mount Hua was peaceful, we didn't say it out loud but we felt that Chung Myung had finally opened up to us, in between the grueling training and teachings we were becoming closer. We would often talk in the late hours of the night about our childhood stories, he would sometimes join and tell us how he was raised. We all knew the stories did not match with our understanding of his origins but we didn't bother trying, we knew he was being sincere. It was nice to see him genuinely smile and reminisce of his loved ones.  I felt like me and Yi Iseol were the ones who understood his heart the most, with our collective standing theory being that he was raised by renegades of the sect after the demonic war. She and I knew what it was like living for the sect and only the sect, to feel that grateful to have a home to return to. A lot of things made sense if he thought like that. "Everything I am, it's thanks to Mount Hua, everything I have it's for Mount hua"   But to be this extreme… It was a terrifying way of thinking. 
Where was he in that equation? What about him?
 _____ One morning Chung Myung woke up sick. I heard him grunt weakly and make efforts to get out of his bed. I thought it was strange that I noticed him early at dawn, since he would always leave quietly to his personal training without anyone knowing and we would only see him later in the morning. For a moment I thought of going with him this time but ended up deciding against it, shaking off an ominous feeling. I saw him join us later; he initially looked angry and grumpy, grabbing his head and cursing low. Oddly enough his voice didn't match it; he was talking to all the disciples in a calm manner and helping here and there with poignant advice, it was a weird sight. He often sighed with a slight empty gaze. Angry face and gentle voice. I was clearly missing something. His behavior made me realize, that underline his outbursts of anger, his love for Mount hua was the reason, everything he did, was always to make Mount hua go higher, it was like he could envision it being close to the skies, the best sect in the world, he could see it like there was no doubt in his eyes and his anger was because other people didn't saw it that way, he put Mount hua above his personal gain, satisfaction and safety. 
Has he ever done something that wasn't for Mount hua? 
 Anyone who knew him could tell you three things about Chung Myung: he was grumpy, he was crafty and he loved Mount hua above everything else. He was always prone to anger, but on counted occasions outside the battlefield, there were rare moments of vulnerability and pain, and we had made efforts to remember them. He had confided in us, something he hadn't told anyone before. Whatever was happening with him now we had to stay close and help him.   The next day he was dozing off under a tree seamingly in deep thought, then, he abruptly got up cursing loudly. He started to practice his sword strikes until he collapsed, he was shaking. Me and Jo Gul were close by, keeping an eye on him and brought him back to the dorm.  Unlike the recent development Chung Myung stopped talking to us about anything resembling a deeper conversation. To make things even more confusing none of us saw him drink a drop of alcohol at all during these strange happenings. _____ Each day it was a different discrepancy. I distinctly remember one painfully cold day he didn't get up, just stayed in his room even after our morning training.  I figured he was tired and let him be, not allowing anyone to disturb him. His door was probably blocked with something but I felt him there. I came and went a couple of times before starting to get worried. I was thinking of bringing the door down when I heard his voice. “I'm sorry, leave me alone for today” Weak, dripping with sadness. Alarms were going off inside my head. I left and kept coming back during the day multiple times. Could hear his muffled sniffing and sobbing, my heart ached each time I heard it. I made up my mind and brought food to his door, asking him to let me in. “Chung Myung! I brought you something good” “...” 
Then, by any means.
 “If you don't let me in, I'll tell the others" I heard him slowly moving a cabinet away from the door. As I went in he immediately went back to his bed. The room was a mess of blankets and anguish, the only thing in place was the bed. He had his head lowered, his hair covering his eyes; not letting me see his face during our conversation. He was rubbing his arms, his fingers were white as the snow. 
What's-? No. First things first.
 I sat close to him and placed his food and water on a small table set up in front of him; watched him eat not too eagerly, not too slowly either.  When he finished, I took everything away and sat close to him again. Put my hand on his back gently, yet, as if my touch would burn him, he recoiled, so I stopped, not wanting to overwhelm him. Kept wondering why he didn't leave this time, thinking that it would be more usual for him to run away and not let anyone know he was feeling down, just like last time; but now he stayed in the dorms, in his room and even let me in. I couldn't help but think he deliberately let me notice it, that he trusted me. And I was grateful for that. Chung Myung was looking towards the door in the direction of the training hall. I took a guess to reassure him, imagining what he was thinking. “I told the others you are training by yourself” “Is that so” “It's only me, is it alright?” I felt him looking at me but couldn't discern his gaze. I took a big breath. “Chung Myung, do you need anything?” A short silence accompanied by his erratic breathing. “I'll be alright… this is… ” I could tell he was thinking really hard on whether or not to tell me what was going on, and fortunately for both of us, he chose to do so. “I'm a little sick, I think I was… cursed“  I contained myself from showing any wild reactions and catched my breath from leaving my lungs. He kept going. ”It messes up my emotions, mind and…” I answered fast with the first thing I could think of, afraid that he would decide against talking about it anymore and shut himself off again or even worse disappear somewhere and suffer alone, away from all. “Can we cure it? Break it?” “Never knew how” I was hesitant, wanting to ask if his loved ones, maybe knew something more, it seemed he read my mind. "Did your…?" “They didn't know how to either. We just killed the priest and hoped it would work” 
We? 
 “Will you be alright?”    I finally said after holding it in from the beginning I couldn't help my worried tone. “I won't let it get in the way…”  
In the way of what?
 "I'm Chung Myung! a little curse could never bring me down” He tried confidently  “Who did this to you!?”  I was angry, confused and getting more and more desperate for answers, I knew I was pushing it but couldn't help it. I was scared. He thought of an answer as I tried to calm down. “It's probably the demonic sect” “What!? Those bastards! Just wait until I te-” I stood up furiously.  
Obsessive vermin, how dare they!
 Chung Myung raised his head. I could finally see his eyes; they were bright and glum, shining and breaking like shattered glass scattered on a dirty floor, a mess of blood and fire, they melted, they spilled.  Red and inflamed, his cheeks puffy, nail marks on his skin under his eyes. 
Did you try to pull them out?
 His face was drained, so pale I could see his veins, frowning eyebrows, white and dry lips, his chest kept going up and down with a shaky breath and trembling hands. 'A little sick, a small curse' didn't suffice here.  Like a lost soul in a cruel storm. A small light made its way through the cloudiness of his gaze. In his eyes I found an unknown plea. Tears stung my eyes and I fought them feeling desperate only to fail helplessly. It was painful. Now I couldn't be bothered to get them off my cheeks. “I won't die”  “It's hurting you!”   
How long has this been going on? What is it really doing to him?  
 "It's fin-" As if! “I'll tell the sect leader and the others and we will fi-” “Yoon Jong”  He stood up in front of me regaining his strong presence for a moment, put his hands on my shoulders and straightened my back. ”Trust me. I don't want to burd-... I'll take care of this, I have an idea and I'lll tell you then, it's going to be alright”   
Why are you the one comforting me? 
 I didn't want to let this go, fearing what he may do next. But I knew he had made an effort to tell me and that was definitely better than being in the dark. It was like he was asking me to bear with him and excusing himself.  I reassured us both, meaning every word. “We are here for you. It doesn't have to be you alone in this, just let us-” “No…Just…this… please” Something inside of me knew, I really knew I shouldn't agree to this but I couldn't say no to him; so I just hugged him. I felt him jump in his skin. He tried to break away from me but I didn't let him, until he eventually hugged me as well, it was a forceful hug. His arms held me so tightly that his current state seemed like a lie, he hanged onto my clothes and back as if he was scared to fall. He didn't want to let me go. I felt like a kid comforting a terrified man. He was able to undo his performance and his calm face turned into desperation, bitterness and with labored breathing, tears flowed like a river out of control on his cheeks, my clothes were damped. It broke my heart. “Please Sanhyung” _____  I called the group to a secluded place behind the medical hall in the middle of the night after coming out of his room, there wasn't anyone here beside us, the swords of Mount Hua, Tang Soso and Hye Yeon we were only missing Chung Myung. “Is this about him?” Baek Cheon began “He's been a little bit off these days” said Soso “I didn't see him at all today, he's still training?” added Jo Gul “Everyone” they turned their ears “I talked to him” SIlence and comprehension, they knew whatever this was, was serious. I continued “You must promise to not do anything, or tell anyone for at least a day”  Gazes turning cold at the implications  "Elaborate" “You have to promise, in the name of Mount Hua and you, in the name of Shaolin” I looked at Hye Yeon "Why?" “That's what he and I agreed on”  Previous doubtful gazes now made up their minds “We promise” I take a big breath. “Good. He could have not said anything, but he still did, you have to understand. He trusts us”  Some nod. “Just what is it!” Jo Gul blurted out   “The demonic sect put a curse on Chung Myung" 'uh?!' "It disturbs his mind and emotions, and though he didn't say it, he implied his life was in danger too” I could tell they felt a shiver of hate run through their bodies. Baek Cheon broke the suffocating tension, barely holding a growl through his anger. “Damned demons!” "Is he alright?" "Can we help?" "His life is in danger?" “How do we break it?” it was Yi Iseol this time “Amithaba. When did this begin?” Hye Yeon asked as he murmured more mantras “Is he hurt?” Soso got closer pressing for answers “What do you mean it messes with his mind?” Baek Cheon again “That's why he was isolating” Jo Gul concluded  I shook my head and put my palm towards them “He wasn't training today, I covered for him. He was, well he was crying in his room” “...” “The same as last time?” “No." "Worse?" "This was out of his control, he was barely holding on. I've- I've never seen him like this” "Then…" "I felt like he didn't tell me everything about it, there's more to this than I know. He looked just as confused and lost as we are" They stayed quiet, waiting. “He doesn't know, he even told me his family didn't know either, just recognized the symptoms” "But they knew what it was…" "So they really were survivors of the demons" "But" "Wait don't tell me" “Why did he make us promise to stay quiet?” “He went to investigate” "What?" "No way" "That brat!" "Tsk" "But!" “When?” “Just now”  They looked towards the town, the cold mountain air made fun of us. "He promised to come back the day after tomorrow and explain everything. So for now, only we can know about this” “This fool!” "Going on his own like that" “You shouldn't have let him!”  I shook my head “What about the sect leader and the elders?” “I think he wants to be sure before talking to them, after coming back with a solution and not just worry” “But why!” “How will he even find out anything?” “The beggars union? the unorthodox man?" Jo Gul offered  A collective sigh  “So what do we do?” “We wait” “As if!!”  “He begged me”  I said furious, staring at the floor with clenched fists. “...” “We wait”

----- CHAPTER BREAK -----

It was late in the afternoon. I was training like usual, fully concentrated on how each of my aching muscles would exert the necessary force required of them, how my bones would creak and my skin bathed in sweat. I was immersed. So as to not allow the uneasiness consume me. What Yoon Jong had told us yesterday night came to me, we had a long discussion about what to do and for now we decided to be alert, we even put more disciples towards guarding the sect's grounds knowing fully it was a matter of time before the demons made their move, the disciples and elders found it weird but thought it was Chung Myung’s doing and followed along. His absence was justified with a casual information update excuse, about the state of the Central Plains and the Heavenly Friends Alliance and, for now, everything was peaceful.  A volcanic explosion brewing under the surface.  In the midst of my stupor I somehow heard a quiet. ‘thunk' It came from the mountain, in the direction of the sect`s entrance, and I just knew it was him. I put down the rock I was carrying and ignoring the pain, ran at full speed towards the sound. Some disciples called out for me in confusion but I just ran. 
Chung Myung! Please be alright, please
 Following a distant sound I only heard once turned out to be harder than I expected, I kept going in circles and the uneasiness of my sweaty palms made me momentarily question my judgement.  
Did I imagine it? No. I'm sure I heard it.
 Closed my eyes and calmed my breathing. Completely surrendered to my instincts.  I passed the forest quickly.   The first thing I picked up was the smell of blood and my body cooled down in an instant.  He was there, on the foot of a stiff cliff.  "Chung Myung!" He was covered in blood. I prayed it wasn't his own, but seeing him collapsed didn't help that. He, although unconscious, was holding onto the floor as if he was still climbing and his body had betrayed him, his hands had not cached on yet, grabbing the dirt under his nails. Dark Fragrance was in his hand, he was still holding his bloodied sword. I jumped bringing him to stable ground and put him on his back. My entire body froze, the air stopped flowing. 
No, no, no, no.
 Chung Myung was hurt, blood spilling out, a stab wound under his ribs and deep cuts here and there, his wrist was sliced, even a part of his long hair had been cut. Not a single part of this body was spared. "Chung Myung…" I bit my lower lip and obligated my trembling hands to move; tied his wounds to the best of my ability, Soso had us all carry bandages around for emergencies. I had to do something before carrying him back to safety. The cold mountain air laughed as I tried to remove the hair on his face. He was covered in dirt and fresh blood, the hair stuck to his cheeks. I had to make careful efforts not to hurt him. I needed to see, to confirm if there was any injury on his head.  Then I saw it.  
So this is what dying feels like
 His eyes were empty husks; white and dusty, staring like painted on his face, dotted balls resembling eyes; like someone had removed them once to play around the mud with and put them back inside his eyelids; their vacuum rising inside with every passing second. He was awake, not unconscious or passed out, he was awake. I detailed his eyes looking for recognition, waving my hand around in front of him, his tiny pupils landed on my chest, I swear there was something, a small light shining through those blackened dots, but that was it, his gaze was stuck again. There was nothing inside, and that nothingness couldn't be more than that, empty. I could hear each tiny movement of his practiced breathing, his fingers would flinch as if trying to move, his whole body was trembling, his mouth was sealed shut, opening only to let air out, nothing resembling a formed word. The iridescent air brushed him again and I saw him blink without a living spirit. Torn as if nailed to his skull his eyes were screaming but he wasn't there, Chung Myung wasn't there.  
What happened to you?
 I slapped myself with all my might to pull myself together, cleaned his face and picked him up, lifting him at a slow pace, being pushed by the love we all felt for him, weighing on his pain. I turned and started climbing upwards, eventually picking up the pace. I ran, ran being carried by that mocking wind, I could feel the ground disappearing under my feet, my heart aching like someone was gripping it hard with sharp nails. Chung Myung on my shoulder threatened to fall, he wasn't grabbing me back, he was just there, like his soul was somewhere else, his body hollow, maybe he was lost.  But he didn't let go of his sword.  The training halls could be seen approaching, I wanted to ran inside, enter the dinning hall and ask for help but, in a rare moment of lucidity I stopped.  For a second I thought of what would happen if all of the disciples were to see Chung Myung like this, if all that attention was on him so suddenly. 
Would they be able to help him right away? or would they panic and make things worse?
 I immediately changed course to the medical hall. I could ask for help from the people there and make one of them inform the others. When I entered the hall, the disciples who saw us were glued to their spots, their faces paled at the sight, they tried to approach, surprised not knowing what to do. I locked eyes with one of them. "Bring the elders, Baek cheon and the others. Tell them something went wrong and that Chung Myung was attacked on his way back" Most of the blood wasn't his and it was still fresh and wet oozing iron, a fight must have occurred just before he entered the mountain. Though some of it was dry. 
How long did the fight last?
 The disciple blinked once, before bolting outside towards the dining hall. Only the sound of the distant footsteps could be heard. I took one step inside and then another, and another slowly passed the disciples who were still shocked. I kept walking inside and put Chung Myung down on the bed in a private room.  That's when he finally let go. The sound of his sword against the floor made everyone in the room awaken. I considered for a moment how Chung Myung reacted to me, mind absently blinking without any recognition, just that movement of his pupils. Did he at least recognize the Mount Hua symbol in my uniform? What if someone else had found him or he collapsed somewhere far away? How did he climbed in that state? Wait, how did he fight? His face was a blank portrait offering no answers, he was breathing calmly as if breathing was the only thing he was meant to do. Occasionally blinking and even shifting around as the healers patched him up. His body remembered what to do, how to act. _____ Everyone came in a panic, Soso and the head of the medical hall started to treat him right away, and as Yoon Jong was about to take control of the situation and explain everything to the elders. We heard two of the reconnaissance scouts come running. “We found bodies belonging to the demonic sect down the mountain, some of them were still alive, though incapacitated”  
Still alive? He wouldn't do that.
 “We checked, it was twenty of them but they were not skilled enough to hurt Chung Myung like this" "Any disciple could have taken one or two down if they were ready to fight”  "That would mean nothing to Chung Myung" I looked to the bed as a terrifying thought was taking form. 
He wasn't able to. He ran away, from the demonic sect? Impossible… Is it the curse's fault?
 "We finished them off and send others to put them away" the report ended  "..." “The unorthodox man wasn't his match either”  Informed Beak Cheon to the questioning gazes of everyone in the room. "Who? What are you saying?" elder Un Geum asked "What's this I'm hearing?" "The unaffiliated martial artist? You told us it was all dealt with" demanded the sect leader  "We will explain shortly” I could tell the patience of the elders was running out, but they waited. Until we could sort all the information. “They couldn't touch him even they teamed up” said Yi Iseul “Normally” finished Yoon Jong The long due explanation filled the room with berated reactions coming and going. After everything, tension and concern replaced the oxygen in the hall. “How could you just let him go like that!?” elder Hyun Young started “Because we trust Chung Myung" we answered "Even still!" "He promised to come back and he came back on time!" Yoon Jong shouted for the first time and continued in a firm tone he would not normally use in front of the elders. "He promised to bring answers and he will deliver. I am sure of it" Uneasiness. "Did you know anything of this condition?" Un Geom pointed at Chung Myung "No, he didn't tell me. I saw his eyes looking similarly but .. it wasn't like this" "So this is the real curse"  "There existed such a curse?"   "I have never heard of something like this"  The elders were confused and so was I. 
They don't know anything about this?
 "But his family knew" I said without thinking  "Family?" "What family?" said the elders at the same time I looked at the group, normally they would get mad at me for saying something uncalled for. But this time, their eyes didn't deny me. "Well… these days he's been telling us, of how he was raised, of his childhood and memories…" I lingered The others took this as a sign to help me elaborate. "He calls them his family but they weren't related" "Most of the things he knows is thanks to them" "It explained a lot things about him" "He looks really happy when talking about them…" Yoon Jong put the conversation in order. "When he told me of his initial condition I asked if they knew about it" "And they did?" sect leader checked "Yes, they dealt with the curse before. He said: 'We usually killed the priest and hope that would work" "Him as well?"  "Well…" Un Geom tried  Even I recognized that this was too much information to dump on them all of a sudden and given the circumstances, too much to handle. But just as we had come to know it was also important that they knew. "What on earth?" elder Hyun Sang reacted  "Then…"  "Where are they now?"  "How come he came here alone, starving and in rags!?" Shouted elder Hyun Young "How could they abandoned him to the beggars!" "They didn't" None of us could bring themselves to say the full story, or our theory immediately, of how they were actually from Mount Hua and how they were lost. Because we didn't know either and mentioning it so abruptly would only convolute the situation even more. "They all died before that" Hye Yeon chose the perfect answer. "That … when did all of this happen?" A valid question. "..." "We didn't really tried to understand" Beak Cheon confessed "We just knew it was true" Yi Iseol affirmed  "It felt good to finally hear about him" "Maybe that's why he told us about the curse" "Even if nothing can be done now" "He's showing us trust, that's why we believe he will deliver" "Like he always does" Big words from a group that was just as scared as the rest, fighting the insecurities and fear with conviction. "Will he wake up?" elder Un Geom hesitated "He will. He promised" finished Yoon Jong His words weighted on our hearts, they were an invitation rather than a manifestation of will.  To believe in him._____ We stayed up with him all night, caring for his wounds and giving words of affirmation hoping he could hear us. Sometimes we talked among ourselves, offering stories, memories and words of comfort. It was like if we stopped talking we would be consumed. We couldn't do anything for him, just hope and wait. We had to keep out minds occupied 
Frankly I need to get this out of my chest.
 Soft cups of tea flowing onto our turmoils. The entirety of Mount Hua -except for the ones on guarding duty- was gathered, we were sitting on the steps in front of the medical hall.  The sect leader kept pouring us tea, silently pressuring us for answers. The elders had us surrounded with smiles on their lips, but not their eyes. Those worried eyes couldn't lie. "So this family of his, were they martial artists?" We nodded. "With knowledge of demonic curses, and even fought demons before" "Even if they all died" "Why did he come to us?"  "..." "If they were martial artists they must have taught him their techniques…"  Hyun Sang suddenly stopped. The elders looked at him, seamingly thinking the same thing. "They…" "Were they from Mount Hua?" We looked at eachother and answered. "Yes." They inhaled, retained and exhaled at the same time. "Raised by Mount Hua disciples…" "But the disciples that abandoned the sect didn't have the techniques either" "It couldn't have been them, remember how he treated them before?" "He beat them up" "..." "He found the techniques"  "And the accounting books" "He also opened the secret vault… wait, wasn't there a hole inside the vault at that time?" "Didn't Chung Myung write you a tome?" "He did" Um Geum confirmed The sect leader put down the cup. "Chung Myung is Chung Myung" At those words, the overbearing voices of the crowd calmed down. "About his childhood…" Elder Hyun Young looked at the sect leader, then looked at us "How was he?" "He's same as he was in the past" "Causing trouble and drinking" "He always got in cahoots with someone" "Kept getting into fights" "Something has changed though" "Uh yeah, he no longer has to be alone" 'eh?' "What?" "Was he alone back then?" "It sounded like he was being avoided…" The air turned awkward in a hurry. "Oh!" "He kept mentioning this one friend" "The one he named his sword after" "Dark Fragrance? The one made by the Tangs" What if he was a Tang? I looked towards the medical hall, Soso hadn't left his side since she first started treatment. "I'm sure of one thing" "He is happy to have come to us" "He tries to hide it but" "He loves us. All of us" "Isn't that the reason he came back?  "Even with those injuries and unconscious…" "Mount Hua is his home. We are his home" "So" "It's our turn" "Let's protect our home" ____ While everyone was training, we made sure to have someone by his side, we took turns watching him. Each time he blinked, moved, or looked outside we reached for our swords worried someone would come for him at any moment. More disciples were put towards security, everyone was on edge. The gravity was pulling us toward the abyss._____ We heard his stomach rumble, and out of curiosity more than anything we brought him some mooncakes. To our surprised induced horror, he rose up from his bed with effort, we helped him sit up, and he started eating calmly, with the same blank expression.  He would would eat everything we offered, elder Hyun Young was in a trance, giving him food after food with tears running down his face. We had to stop him.  Chung Myung lied down again after that. He did not respond to our calls or touch, it was like his body was running on a learned motion. We stayed with him and not once in the next two days did he sleep or if he didhe would do so with his eyes open, we couldn’t tell the difference. He even tried getting up and held his sword, he was slowly walking and we followed him only to discover that he wanted to train, he only managed to reopen his wounds, this happened multiple times and each time we struggled to stop him. Those were long two days. We all hoped he would truly wake up.  We knew he would.

----- CHAPTER BREAK -----

_______________
 The plum blossom petals encompassed my sword as I swung again and again, unsatisfied with all of my movements. I fixed my posture trying to find a more effective way to move my body.  
Useless.
 It was one of those troubling nights, where the loneliness would get a hold of my heart. A scheduled breakdown I had postponed too many times to count.  "... can't" I felt it every time. When I see the sect gate, the image of Sanhyung cleaning it diligently with a gentle smile comes to me; when I eat in the dining hall surrounded by Mount Hua uniforms and laughter I forget who they are; when their plum blossoms color the sky after so much effort it makes me smile; when I see the elders put on familiar expressions of fatigue and care, it pains me, to picture these kids suffering because of our failure; when I hold Dark Fragrance, the brilliant grin of Tang Bo and the memories our bond makes me close my eyes.  As I look towards the sky, I get lonely.  "I…" My legs gave out, and it escaped from me without repair. An admission of grief. “I miss you so much” The tears tore through my eyelids and I covered my face ashamed. Less the mountain wind catches sight of them and mocks me. “Sometimes I wish I could go back to you” 
Why am I alive? 
 
Am I the designation of someone else’s plan? Was this my punishment? 
 
To live on and be the only one who remembered, a soul lost out of time.
 Each waking day weighed on my bones, muscles, and deepest parts of my soul. It drained me. Want my eyes dissipating with something other than my urges pulling me down a helpless spiral of self-loading and sadness.  'tuick!’  I heard a small branch being stepped on and Yi Iseol’s back getting farther away. 
Did she see me? How could I have been so careless?! What is wrong with me?
 
… 
 
It doesn't matter either way. 
 I couldn't be bothered to care, not tonight, let tomorrow's shame be my worries. 
_____
 The next day was weird. Yi Iseol, who would normally ignore the things she noticed and keep them to herself, was instead following me around: close to my room, in Lotus Peak, in the training halls, when we were eating, training halls again. It's not like she was slacking off either. It brought funny memories of when we first met. 
Some things never change I guess.
 On nights like yesterday's, the memories overflow me. I try to ignore them most of the time because I know if I linger on one of them for just a little, the rest will take me back without mercy. They make me forget my principles, of how I'm supposed to move on and live in the present; that just like the plum blossom being carried around by the wind's whims, one should not focus on the things outside their control. I know. I'm a Taoist after all.  But I am also a fool. 'Sigh' Yi Iseol's strange behavior continued. When I got down to rest for a bit, she appeared out of thin air and gave me a bowl full of snacks. "Sago?" I took one and ate it. It was sweet and acidic. Perfect for drinking. "Thanks…" As soon as I finished the full bowl she came out with more. "Huh?" 
What is she doing?
 "What is it?" Then, without a word, she sat down and hugged me.  It felt weird. A warm fuzzy feeling slid into my chest, my heart was beating around all conflicted, it calmed down only when I returned the gesture. Yi Iseol seemed to have asked someone about how to do this, she had the same determined expression as when performing a technique. She put such care into this old man. It was funny. 
It's different from back then...
 
…well, this isn't so bad.
 "This is nice"  
_____
 The entire sect was buzzing about for a sudden party. This kind of party reminded me of our victory celebrations, the ambiance was lively. They were having fun. Yi Iseol and the others on the other hand, were quiet, their eyes were stuck onto me from the beginning, each time I took a swig and munched something, their gazes followed my movements. My stomach felt heavy. I lost my appetite.  Around me was laughter, chatting, and playing. Mount Hua was energized. I didn't fit this atmosphere. Not tonight. Whenever I would try to open my mouth my face contorted to anguish, even if I laughed. I need to hide myself. It felt alienating. I couldn't breathe. My feet conducted me as the dizziness alleviated towards the clear air of the Lotus Peak. I wanted to be left alone. But they followed me, all six of them. 
These rotten brats, they're not even hiding it anymore!
 I sat on the edge looking toward the mountainside's beautiful majesty, the alcohol never left my mouth.  They were sitting behind me, I didn't know what they were thinking. I could hear the cups of alcohol clicking; snacks and meat being eaten. The mountain's warm wind was too good for me. 
The kids seem to be trying to comfort me…
 So I decided to be selfish, they were the ones that followed this old man. "I've lost a lot of people in my life" I opened my vault of memories and told them as much as I could. Let them assume and imagine whatever they want to do, fill in the blanks themselves. 
I can at least tell them this much.
 Each syllable hurt in my throat but I didn't want to stop, something felt right, I felt alive, I existed and so did they .  “Since I was a baby…they took care of me. I considered them… my family”  The Mount Hua from those times was lost to history and indifference but I was still here and I wasn't lost. Not yet. “...and I tried, I really tried… but I couldn’t save any of them. Not a single one" I couldn't stop my tears. Only managed to keep my voice steady, the words going off to my incompetence. Although, even with this troubled being, it felt good finally letting it out, it felt alleviating, talking about them out loud, it felt nice. I didn't explain much, just reminisced about them. I shared my guilt.  “I couldn’t do anything back then. So, I do what I can now” Hoped this would tell them why I pushed them to grow stronger than anyone, hoped this would exonerate me even a little. “When you were a beggar?”  Jo Gul asked in their stead, I looked at them, their questions were piling up inside their heads. 
When? What can I say? What answer would explain it all?
 My Sanhyung, my Sajae, Tang Bo, and the disciples of Mount Hua, were old souls even older than these kids could imagine, and so was I.   I don't want them to change the way they treat me . If I couldn't tell them the truth I could admit the most important thing. 
Who were they?
 "They were from Mount Hua" The warm air finally reached my lungs. I could finally breathe.  I found myself dissipating with the wind, lighter than a leaf. Maybe whatever force brought me here was finally going to take me back, in its expansive thrust it hanged me from the edge, invisible threads were pulling me towards the sky. Remembering them made me miss them even more, voicing those words was true poison on my nostalgic soul. "Chung Myung. We are also here, we are here with you now" Baek Cheon and the others were shining, their light hurt my eyes. To my fortune, their expressions showed comprehension and care.  I reached out to them. I became bound under their embrace. I was still the same Chung Myung for them, even if they didn't understand me and wanted to know more, I was still me in their eyes, and that was enough. Their touch was the dirt below my feet, they were gravity passing my body and bringing me back to the present. "You're right. I'm here now"

_______________
 This was something I hadn't done since I came back. It was different from our usual meetings. Talking about the past had become a common thing to mention.  Baek Cheon, Yi Iseol, Yoon Jong, Jo Gul, Tang Soso, and Hye Yeon, were spending their free time with me; no missions, no projects, no discussions, no strategies, no problems to resolve, just conversing. They would talk among themselves about their stories and experiences and would sometimes ask me questions. And I answered them, with honesty and -if I could be sincere with myself- happiness too. Didn't know talking about the people I loved could bring this much gratification.  I tried to keep the sensible information -that would turn the casual conversation into an interrogation- out of my answers, I could feel myself letting loose even without alcohol. They had taken a liking to hanging out in my room until late at night, paired with waking up tired. A mangled mess of sleepiness and young spirits. It was rejuvenating. 
Hah, I really like these brats.
 
_____
 When I heard that an unaffiliated martial artist using an iron whip and a dagger was roaming and killing evil sect men, I hoped it was someone from that forgotten sect. I confirmed it when I saw the symbol on his bracelet. "The Mujehan sect?" His expression changed but not his demeanor  "You know us?" 
How could I not know them? 
 They were the reason we could focus on killing demons, we knew they would keep the innocents safe .  "Thought you were all gone" "Not if I'm still breathing, I'll do everything I can to bring it back"  Some greater force compelled me to offer some hope for him to hang on  "Then you'll need your main hideout…  this will sound strange but, it was on the northwest of the Shaanxi forest" "...How, could you even know that?" "Listen to me, look for the cave systems" "As if I would believe you" "I know it. What the world did to you was cruel. Just don't dismiss what I said" I felt like I was comforting the me who had just woken up in this confusing time. Wanted to help out a kindred spirit. I could feel the group coming closer and sought to quickly end the conversation The man still looked confused and suspicious of me, so I decided to threaten him. "Don't let me see you again" If he was smart he would figure out I wanted him to escape. "A chance, you also get a chance" I knew it would be hard to stay quiet about all this, sect leader Hyun Yong had sent us to take care of this, and I had just let the man go without consulting with them, it'd be better for them to at least know why I did it. I hoped they would understand.  As the discussion progressed, the situation became clear. "We'll just say it's been resolved" "Come, let's go" "To our Mount Hua" A smile creeped out of me. 
I'm glad…
 
_____
 On the way back I kept thinking about that encounter. Watching someone so young trying and carrying the weight of his sect, made me reconsider if I was doing enough for mine, but I didn't want to impose like usual, I felt emotional. Later, after we arrived. I called Baek Cheon. He drank with me, not once opposing my whims, I felt grateful for that. There was so much I wanted to tell him. We were laughing when he asked something unexpected, and even though I knew it was a joke, it still hurt me. "How about you? any plans on growing up?" That stung my heart. 
Can I even do that?
 I was an old man trapped in a kid's body, my way of life had cemented over the years. 
But… even with that…
 
I'd be lying if I said this life hasn't changed me
 "Well I feel more comfortable in my skin these days, maybe I could give it a try"  "I was joking"  Beak Cheon's expression softened, he started patting my head, I considered recoling right away, but, he seemed to enjoy it, so I waited a bit before slapping his hand away. "We like you well enough" 
You're all crazy
 A soft smile settled on my lips once again. _____ "Anyway, how's your training going these days?" Maybe I had slacked off too much, it was my duty to teach the disciples after all, I had put the others in charge because I judged they were ready to help the rest, and they were, but now I was worried the pressure would weigh them down and hinder their progress. I couldn't afford that.  I was doubting my own judgement. "I'm learning well while teaching them, things that appear obvious in hindsight become clearer when it has to be explained"   
Am I not needed there? What should I do?
 "I see" "I'll ask you if I feel like I'm becoming stagnant" I nodded "And… how's yours going?" 
That's… 
 "It's fine. Slower than I had hoped for but some things cannot be rushed" 
Cannot help this body is so different from my own.
 Baek Cheon was trying to lighten up the mood, it seemed I wasn't doing a good job at controlling my expressions.  He kept drinking and pouring me drinks. The alcohol felt too thick that night. I wondered why, I'm not someone who gets drunk easily or slips up, it was strange but not too worrying, I was with Beak Cheon after all, I had my trust and faith in all of the Mount Hua disciples. My words were coming out all jumbled up and disordered. They sounded fine inside my head but when I said out loud they were an absolute mess. He was drunk as well and kept saying light-hearted stuff. I wondered if he was understanding even a little bit. "You have to hold your sword as if you were holding a quill, your movement must be fluid like the flow of a plum blossom. While I am a Taoist I can't say I follow all our teachings, as you already know I haven't really let go of my past and sometimes it feels as if my attachments are weighing me down, stopping me from fully living this new life... I feel like an old soul when I'm around all of you" "You're just saying words!"  
Was what I said confusing? What did he hear?
 "I wonder if I did the right thing today, maybe killing him would have been better, he's going to continue killing until he reaches his goals, and we will probably hear of him again. I saw myself in him and couldn't bring myself to do it. I was a fool, I'm sorry" "It's all resolved now" 
Oh? he understood me this time
 "With the alliance getting stronger more enemies are bound to appear and I have to be strong enough to deal with that, I need to be" "You're not alone Chung Myung" 
I'm truly lucky to have you.
 "I'm glad it was you who I came back to. The Mount Hua I knew were all lost in the demonic war, we fought hard until the end but nobody survived, not even me… When I came to, I found out their names had been forgotten and their sacrifice ignored, it was a dog's death. But, people did remember me, the me who failed them all, I don't know why I was given this opportunity, whether it is a good thing or not. I wonder if I'm condemned. What if I lost my chance?" 
Why isn't he saying anything? What did I say?
 "You've seen Dark Fragrance, Tang Bo, my friend, was called the Dark Saint, that's where the name comes from" "Your friend…" 
Well, you got that at least.
 "Mount Hua can never wither away, we may pass but our roots and foundations have to be strong, wide, and far-reaching enough that even if the world came together to pull you out they can't do it without harming themselves, that's one of the reasons of the Alliance's existence. And if everything were to fail the world would bring itself to destruction, but not you. Never." "An unshakeable will then" 
You got it right.
 I was proud of all of them, they were stronger than I had originally envisioned, he had the makings of a great sect leader just needed to polish some things. "Yoon Jong has a kind heart, you can trust him and ask him for advice, I know he will be an excellent leader when his time comes" "Who?" 
Wasn't it clear?
 "You are the next sect leader, you have so much to learn, I want you to grow strong, you have to become a sturdy pillar for their future" "I will" 
I believe in you.
 "You also need a compassionate heart, just look at Hyun Yong he can talk so well and always care for the disciples, but he lacks something you have and will continue to develop: a ruthless sword towards your enemies, you are growing stronger and I trust that Mount Hua will be stronger under you" 
Good, I like those eyes 
 "I feel ashamed to admit it but, I get a little tired sometimes" "You can rest now" "Thank you but, I can't stop yet I have a long way to go before I can be at ease… but … I'm tired Sasuk" 
I felt so exhausted, so tired. I want to sleep all the time.
 
_______________

Something had happened. I wasn't quite sure what it was, but my body started to deteriorate. It would react slower and feel heavier than before, the same actions required more attempts to perform. It was getting increasingly difficult to get out of bed in the morning. But that couldn't stop me.  I felt anger rising inside me at the slightest touch, followed by emptiness and dejection, so much that I wanted to lay down, constantly. I cultivated for hours at night to slow the advance of whatever this was, my pure qi shielded me from the worst, but I knew it wouldn't last. I was putting bandages without stitching the open wound, the bleeding didn’t stop.  I felt lost. Splitting headaches assaulted me, sometimes my emotions blew over without me knowing why, I had to make painful efforts to control my rising anger and deafening sadness. But, my knowledge was intact, if my body was defying me I could focus on something else. 
 I have to make it up somehow.
 I couldn't teach the disciples now even if I wanted to, Beak Cheon and the rest were doing a good job. However, I would use any chance I had, to detail the training of the disciples and give each of them careful advice, instructing the techniques and where they were making mistakes; everyone had a different way of executing them but certain patterns repeated, and if those weren't corrected it would hurt their growth in the long run.  I couldn't even entertain the idea of drinking with my body like this; when I drank with Beak Cheon I must have already been affected, my senses were too messed up to be caused by the alcohol. I had never felt such a disparaging sensation; with my head clearly saying one thing and my mouth saying something different, felt like I had no control over myself. I hated it

The kids and I were still meeting regularly, but I stopped being so present. I didn't want to burden them and lacked enough information to even mention anything with certainty.

Can't remember how I found myself dozing off under a tree, and then, as if lightning had struck me the feeling of strength flowed through my whole body once again, it had been so long since I felt it that it startled me.  "Huh! No, this… What the hell is going on!?" 
Am I all better now? How?
 My qi was circulating vigorously and I thought it would be alright to pick up the pace again. I held my sword excitedly, the sound of my swings felt comforting. 
 I missed this... 
 A few movements in, I started sweating, and to my horror, my body began to shake uncontrollably, all that vitality left me abruptly. It got the better of me and I passed out. Later, I heard Yoon Jong and Jo Gul brought me to my room. It was humiliating.  I felt like losing the grip I had over this life.  
_____
 It was on one particularly cold morning that I finally confirmed my suspicions, as overpowering sorrow took control of me. Imagenes in the air and whispers that couldn't be heard were circulating me, wretched threads of shame and waves of hatred had held my extremities.  My eyes had turned against me, they marked me as an enemy, constantly showing me memories of all those who were lost, loved, and missed terribly. The visions merged the past and the present, the worried faces of Yoon Jong and the others appeared before me only to be consumed by an all-encompassing void. 
No.
 I felt my hands become viscous with invisible blood and guts, the skin in my arms had become that horrendous mountain filled with corpses, I felt their last breaths of withered life within my hair. I opened and closed my hands until my fingers were white, I rubbed my arms but it didn't go away, I hit my head, and I bit my arms. Anything to make it disappear. 
Please.
 I tried hiding my head from the overwhelming echoes of time, covering myself in blankets and excuses to no avail. They pulled me out and I was mutilated over and over again. I was crawling desperately trying to find solace. Anything. 
Stop, stop, make it stop!
 Tears that wouldn't stop breaking, the spoils of guilt slamming against my skull. I felt like pulling my eyes out, and I scratched them helplessly. Grabbing the skin of my face with both hands, pulling on in with my fingers, to feel something, any pain would be better than this. My throat was dry and burned, a rope on fire was around it; my heart sucked my lungs, and it ached like the weight of a mountain was on top of me.

And so. I knew what it was.  A demonic curse called Tsunzaita Screaming Void.  The victim would slowly lose control of their mind, emotions, and finally the body, they became empty vessels, trapped in their mind condemned to watch as their life flew by them in a matter of seconds. We knew it was only possible back then, thanks to Cheonma's vast qi, a priest would stick to him and use it as fuel whenever he let them. They wanted to leave the battlefield full of defenseless bodies.  
A child could put up more of a fight than them.
 During the demonic war, I saw a few succumb to this curse, and only two people ever made it back from their battles, that's how we knew what it did and how it played with them before the borderline point, but not even those who survived knew how they had broken it.  I felt lost.
_____
 Yoon Jong had been restless, walking on the other side of my door since dawn. He kept insisting outside my room. I had already turned him down once. “Chung Myung! I brought you something good” I could sense him hesitating all day. Guess his infinite patience had to run out eventually. “If you don't let me in, I'll tell the others." 
Well, I can't have that.
 I painstakingly staggered towards the door and moved it with effort. He came to see me with warm food and even warmer eyes.  Yoon Jong's eyes made all tingling go away. The disgusting sensations of my skin were dying down, and my head cleared. There was silence. I composed myself and concentrated on my breathing. I had to be fine. Those eyes reminded me of the others and how we had come closer; how I let them inside my heart after spending so much time putting up walls between us; and how the aching loneliness had become duller thanks to them.  
What would they think if they saw me like this? What about everyone else? 
 
…How can I be this pathetic?
 I ate the food and drank the water he brought me, it tasted like sand and mud. The door scared me as if the entire sect was going to barge into the room and discover my weakened self.  
I can't afford to look like this in front of them. 
 End up caring about things I wouldn't normally care about, the way people would look at me, or what their whispers would sound like to my ears. All these years I had gone to great lengths to be the strongest, who would always take care of everything, I was their sword and shield. 
What am I going to do if they lose faith in me?
 In my condition, I couldn't even gather enough will to pull myself out of the room. Why bother doing all that training? Why refine my qi with so much care? if a dammed curse could bring me to the ground like this.  These fleeting emotions of mine spiraled out of control, constantly pulling me up and down like a rag doll, drowning and asphyxiating me. “I told the others you are training by yourself” 
You're too kind… 
 Such care slowly made its way into my afflicted heart and settled in there, refusing to budge, that warmth was sweet relief. I yearned for that comfort. “Is that so” “It's only me, is it alright?” 
Of course it is.
 “Chung Myung, do you need anything?” 
What do I need? To have Mount Hua be strong and safe above everyone else, to kill all members of the demonic sect, to gather information, to find a cure, to return to normal, to feel safe.
 “I'll be alright… this is… ” 
Where do I begin?
 He waited for me as I tried to catch my breath. The air was escaping from me at rapid speed, no matter how much of it I tried to put in my lungs, it didn't reach me.  I figured it was better to explain, so I told him as much as I could. The necessary parts for him to know what was going on but, not the full truth. He wouldn't let me go if I had. I was planning on leaving after he left. If I didn't find a solution, things were going to get out of control. I joked around trying to alleviate the tension but it only made things worse. "Who did this to you!?" 'sigh'  
What are you going to do if I tell you?
 “It's probably the demonic sect” “What!? Those bastards! Just wait until I te-” 
No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
 
No. You can't tell the others yet!
 I raised my head and looked him in the eye, hoping he could read my mind, hoping he could hear my silent plea, hoping he would understand, hoping he could just stay still, hoping he would stay with me a little longer instead of running around trying to find a solution. He must have seen something horrible on my face, his expression distorted in anguish and worry. A glassy sky developed inside his eyes. I made him cry. 
Please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, believe me.
 “I won't die”  “It's hurting you!”   
This is nothing, what are you so worried about? I don't even have any injuries.
 "It's fin-" “I'll tell the sect leader and the others and we will fi-” 
You'll what? Carelessly deliver this faulty information and throw yourselves into battle? Without knowing if it could affect you too? What am I going to do if you all become empty husks in the middle of a fight?
 “Yoon Jong”  I stood up, pure fear was moving my body I fueled my demeanor with it and put my hands firmly on his shoulders.  
I won't let that happen 
 ”Trust me. I don't want to burd-... I'll take care of this, I have an idea, I'll tell you about it then, it's going to be alright”   Through the appreciation I felt for him I could discern his expressions: of anxiety, worry, fear, hatred, anger, frustration, worry again. I didn't want to be the cause of such tribulation. I tried to reassure him the best I could. But he wasn't budging. For once, he didn't look like a kid, he wasn't just a disciple of Mount Hua I had to raise. He was my friend, He was family. They were all my family. “We are here for you. It doesn't have to be you alone in this, just let us-” “No…Just…this… please” 
Let me do this. I need to make sure you're all safe.
 I was convinced that even if it was anyone else, they would also react the same way. Their love was real, I was real. I was enough. He hugged me with so much care, but the sudden contact made the unpleasant sensations of my skin revolt so much that I wanted to vomit. I ignored all of it and hugged him back, and this time as well, I allowed myself to receive compassion. It still felt foreign but it felt right. I held onto him tightly, I grabbed his uniform as if I was going to fall if I were to let go. And I cried, damping his clothes with tears, wailing silently, and asked him again. "Please Sanhyung" Just like a breaking dam, it couldn't be stopped once it broke down. Both of us. My face was soaked in sweat and tears, his hair going inside my mouth as I gasped for air, the air felt dirty and hot. "Promise me -ha- you'll keep this a secret -uhg- until I come back -hic- just give me one day"  "Chung Myung…" "You can tell Baek Cheon and the rest but please" "I promise" I don't know how long this hug lasted but when we let go I was already missing that feeling. 
_____
 The rotting sensations of my skin came back in a rush to cover all corners of my body as soon as I left the dorm. I stepped out firmly into the cold wind and started running, no matter how heavy my body felt, I had to do it. Every inch of me screamed as I moved but I had to be fine, I had to get out even if I had to crawl. 
It hurts. I can't feel my legs.
 I wouldn't allow myself to become a burden, I would try everything and if I failed Mount Hua didn't have to suffer my absence, I would find answers and come back. I had to come back.

Every branch, on every tree, no longer looked like an opportunity to sit around and drink, but like ropes hanging on each of them, my neck itching at their sturdiness. Every rock seems good enough to hide in and crush my head. The cliffs invite me to jump, I feel my body getting pulled their way. Countless thoughts stirring me up. My head felt dead silent, bent on resisting. 
Even though I know what's going on, I can't keep them down…
 I focused only on my steps, on their clear sound, only on the ground, determined to ignore all of it. My eyesight was getting worse. I couldn't trust the sights in front of me. It took me all night to get to Shaanxi

_______________
 I arrived exhausted with the rising sun. To my surprise, the Mujehan disciple was waiting for me. I killed my emotions with a stoic façade, as best as I could. "You look awful"  “And you must have a death wish”  “I do not” "I can't let you go this time, we had an agreement" "I figured, but I can't die. Not yet, and neither can you, am I wrong?" “...” “What you said was true, I found our traces, I’m closer to rediscovering everything we lost”  He bowed down ignoring my threat. "Why are you here?"  “Came across some information rewarding you” “You knew who I was?” “I asked around. That whole thing wouldn't make any sense otherwise” “Hah, what did you find?” “The demonic sect put a curse on you” “I know” “Thought so. I sneaked around here and there and heard something else, one of them said 'go against your nature’" He put his hand on his whip as if reminiscing  “That's…" “Something about 'denying yourself'” “What does that even mean!” “How could I know?” "Do you know if… others have been cursed?" My voice came out as a whisper and for the first time, I saw his expression change, his tone became softer. "...No. Only you. Your sect is safe" "How can you be sure" "If I understood correctly, it was only possible because of your soul" he turned back “I paid my debt. Good luck” I hesitated “You too” I felt lucky, grateful, and confused. 
My soul… it's the demonic sect, the first summoning ritual… it's like that huh
 I left. Feeling worthless, wishing I could just disappear, wishing my life was my own and not someone else's whims. 
_____
 It was just before noon. As I made my way back home, the borderline point started. All my senses disappeared one by one. The smell of the forest and dirt became dull; sounds faded; I could no longer hear my steps; my saliva felt strange inside my mouth I couldn't recognize it. I could sense people approaching nearby with killing intent, and before I was submerged in darkness I took out my sword.  I was soon drowned by a deep void with only my soul floating on the surface. I no longer felt my own body. I no longer felt myself . In the nothingness, absorbing the darkness that surrounded me, in that hell where everything screamed, I tried to move in all directions without finding more than that blackened something.  I don't think I'll make it this time .  
No, I can't give up, somehow I have to. I… can’t believe this. I. 
 
I don't want to die.

_______________

The first smell that greeted me wasn’t blood or soil. The air permeated with a suffocating scent. It was medicinal herbs. I pictured Tang Bo running around the room picking up this and that with a frown and biting his lips in frustration, the quiet moments of the war smelled like this; medicine, blood, and sweat.  At times like these, my mouth itches for a drink, and the smells become nauseating on my nose, and saliva forms inside my mouth. I was never fond of smoking, but now I wonder if I could feel better if I did it, feeling that poisonous heat flowing through my throat until it burns, to feel my head, light and silly. 
I hope this wasn't why he smoked so much.
 I endured every fiber of my being spinning trying to escape my skin, tried moving but nothing was working. It was too late, Tsunzaita had taken control of me. If I circulated my qi I would get some moments of lucidity but there was no escape from it now.  This was it. I failed. The pain all over my body brought me out and into my thoughts, again. Don't even remember how I got these wounds. 
I was talking to the Mujehan disciple and making my way up Mount Hua…
 
I was attacked on my way back and I lost myself. How am I still alive? Did I run away? 
 
What a joke.
 I guessed my body moved on its own to fulfill my promise. I chose to think that. I listened to the sounds of my head rearranging itself like an old mechanism, and my senses coming back one by one.  I could see. It was me again. “Chung Myung!”  A crowd of voices thumped my ears. “I’m here, it's alright” I waved my hand Sat slowly in the bed, trying to stand up, I miscalculated and couldn't find any strength in my numb legs. I fell, I could barely feel their hands supporting me and putting me back in the bed. “You’re awake!” I could tell they were containing themselves to not overwhelm me. “How do you feel?” they started  “What happened?”“How did you get hurt?” “I… don't know”  I stared at my hands. “Let us go over what we know slowly.” said sect leader Hyun Jong  I locked eyes with Yoon Jong. Everyone was up to date with the information. He had kept his promise and I kept mine. I gave him a nod, he smiled at me. I kept looking at him, trying to muster up a smile back. “When I went to investigate, the Mujehan disciple found me and told me something he heard. I was lucky, I didn't have to ask around” I told them everything, and what had happened. I couldn't tell them my soul was involved as a possible ingredient of the curse but I did tell them it probably wouldn't happen to anyone else. We agreed to come back to the cryptic words later after sorting everything else.  “Did he attack you as you were… gone?”  
Gone, what a fitting word
 “It wasn't him. We parted ways long before that ” “It was the demonic sect then” I stared at them confused and Ju Gol explained the rest. I kept my eyes on him and he gave me a bright smile back. This time I managed to smile too.  I would have died if it wasn't for him.   ... 
I climbed the mountains and fought while unconscious
 I looked down at all the bandages. 
Not very well I suppose.
 “And I ate and tried to train too… My body moved on its own”  
This did not happen in the past…
 “Chung Myung, what does it do to you?” Hyun Jong asked with a painfully gentle voice. Their eyes were soaked with worry and uncertainty. 
I promised to tell them.
 "It's a demonic curse called Tsunzaita… a screaming void" "..." "What are its characteristics?" "It… makes me lose all senses. I can't see or feel… nothing… just black" "We're you there since I found you?" "Not quite. It feels short for me, just as long as it takes for a leaf to touch the ground, but. I was gone for two days right?”  I touched my eyelids and joined my hands. 
Sigh
 “We will figure it out together!” “It's going to be fine, we just need to stay close” “With this much information it's only a matter of time before we find a way to break it”  “We will prepare in case of an attack…" "Just leave it to us!” “You only have to focus on your recovery” I couldn't tell them apart from one another, their words sounded muffled to me, but I understood. I chuckled, I laughed, it didn't feel bad to rely on them. Focusing on their eyes I couldn't find any trace of blame or annoyance. 
_____
 A few days passed by. I couldn't be sure of how many, every time I lost myself it was a different sky, but they were always with me. From the bottom of my fleeting mind, I knew I was safe. I could tell they now knew about the old Mount Hua, just from the way they would avoid saying certain keywords even in casual conversations, and were constantly eyeing and keeping each other in check, but they didn't ask anything. I felt relieved. 
I can't deal with that, not when I'm not even myself most of the time.
 
But… it is mostly alright.
 The quiet breeze offered me a simple life filled with warmth and laughter surrounded by good people, my family. We ate, we trained, we slept.  I never found myself alone while going and coming from that heavy void, as my soul left and came back to me, my memory of the previous moments was intact every time, and even though I lost my direction there was always someone next to me, bringing me to stable ground. I wouldn't mind spending the rest of my life like this. I'd done my best, I was at peace.

____
 They never asked 'how' I was, probably knowing I would lie for their sake, they would instead talk about the things they did during the day or what they had for lunch.  "Did you try the chicken today?" "I did" "How was it?" 
How was it? 
 
I can't taste it, well, more like it tastes like nothing, almost like a wooden paste. 
 "Salty. I liked it." They observe me while squinting their eyes. "Want to know what we're doing?" "Always"  “Oh!” "Ehhh look at his smile" "He must really like us hehe" "Shh you'll make him embarrassed" "Jo Gul stop it!" 'boink' "Why are you hitting me!" "Oh, Yoon Jong got mad again" "We're seeing this side of him more often these days" "Oh! That's right! Remember the disciple you were helping with the foot placement before?" "Umm, who?" "Pyun Go the one with the hair bangs" "Right, left foot out of balance. How is he doing?" "Great! We paired him with another disciple and he finally understood what you told him" "...I'm glad" 
I can still be useful…
 "Want to go for a walk?" "Sure" The sense of familiarity brought me comfort as I fled from moment to moment. Their smiles were the first and last images I saw. 
I don't want to lose any detail.
 ____ Closing my eyes was terrifying, even if it was for just an instant, that instant of nauseating darkness became harder and harder to endure, as if I was tied up in a deep lake with no hope of escaping. It reminded me of all the time I was losing.  Having lived twice I didn't think it would affect me this much . I tried to stop my eyelids from needing to blink.  Hye Yeon -who was the only one next to me this time-, noticed I was up to something, but he just smiled and kept talking about what this meant to him. "It's not all pain, it feels that way now but, being able to support you now, it's truly gratifying" "That just means I wasn't strong enough" "You are alive, you're here, aren't you?" "I am..." "You said only two people made it back, knowing what we know now…" "What does 'denying yourself mean'?" "Exactly" "Then?" "Something you wouldn't do"  "Forgive the demonic sect?" "I don't think that's it" "What do you think" "Don't get mad" "I won't" "I think it's asking for help" "..." "..." "That's the impression you get?" "You are strict on everyone, especially yourself" "That's-" "Since I've met you, I've never once seen you rely on others" "You're mistaken" "Trusting is different from surrendering your worries" "What about now?" "Now?" "Am I not relying on you?!" "... Even now, you take my hand while looking guilty" I put my hands down from my face, preventing myself from doing something drastic. Conversing with him was usually relaxing but today it was stressful. 
I don't want to hear this… so personally
 ... The next time I came back to my own, it was dark, must have been the same night, he came closer and took my hand, on it, he put a small bottle, it was a tonic for my eyes. "It'll help keep them open for longer without hurting you" "How long was it now?" "An afternoon" "Why did you have this?" "I used to fear the night, I kept looking around me only to find restless shadows" "Ehh even Shaolin get scared of the dark" "Yeah we do. I learned how to make it too, I'll show you" "... Thanks" "I'm glad you like it" 
I'll admit it again, I like this life.
 
I like it enough to compromise myself…
 The loving caring of my peers was too sweet on my loose soul. 
_____ _____

That was until we were attacked.  We knew this was coming .   
What other reason would they have to incapacitate me if not to attack Mount Hua?
 
Why did I pretend to forget about it?
 The reconnaissance disciples came running and made it safely to the sect. 
The demonic sect. I won’t run away this time nor will I let you live.
 I had felt them coming too late.  The ground trembled at their momentum, they were already at the gate. The dread for the safety of the disciples guarding it urged me to race across space in a matter of seconds.  My sword arrived there before me, it sliced everything it could get its blade on as preventive retribution. I had no time to waste. I closed the gap with minimal movement to conserve my energy. Each time I moved my wrist I shed their blood; severing their; hands, arms, legs, and necks; not a single hair of their damned skin was spared, all those of whom I managed to set my distorted eyes upon were slaughtered before they could utter a single word. But I wasn't enough, they persisted through the gates and I was surrounded straight away, their numbers remained as unwavering as their resolve no matter how many I killed. I didn’t manage to put a dent in their line of attack.  A strong battle formation had established behind me, a perfect display of Mount Hua disciples without a flaw in their stances, a complicated sigh rose to the surface of my anxiety, we would be fine now, I just needed to keep the demons from advancing any further and they would take care of the rest.

Death stared at me at every swing, my sword never felt as heavy; each blooming was harder to execute than the one before, and I couldn't afford to catch my breath. I was in too deep, with one thought screaming on a loop inside my head. 
I'll kill you, I'll kill you, I'll kill you, I'll kill you, I'll kill you, I'll kill you, I'll kill you, I'll kill you, I'll kill you, I'll kill you

I'll kill you, I'll kill you, I'll kill you, I'll kill you.
 I narrowly avoided a stab to the neck and was met with a kick to my back. The pain brought me back to more bloodshed. I stood firm and renewed my duty. Something sliced my thigh. I was getting slower. I kept glazing back thinking my inadequacy would cost them their lives. I knew I had to trust them, that all their training and years behind the sword were enough for them to thrive, I knew I should.

My foggy vision kept showing me images and memories of dead bodies fresh and old, their last breath on my hands, their blood on my clothes, the sickening smell made me want to vomit. I was wandering away. As the fighting went on, I felt my time running out. My wounds were reopening, and the bandages were dyed red, I was emptying slowly. Even I knew, I was pushing myself too hard, the non-stop fighting was taking a toll on my unresponsive body, and the wounds tooled on each other, even so, I had to do something. I didn't know how much time I had before the void took me again, my qi was unbalanced from the arduous battle.  The sky was filled with plum blossoms and tears started falling down my cheeks. It was unfair.  
After everything I did, after coming this far. Just when I finally felt at ease with this new Mount Hua. 
 I saw the kids fighting from the corner of my eye, I could barely distinguish their blurry outlines, they were all surrounding me focused on their battles but close enough to make out their attentive expressions. ____ A horrendously heavy qi called out for me. I felt my body react to the demonic priest, pulling me closer, I followed the invisible threads through the battlefield between dismembered demons. “It's you” My sword was pointed at him. "Pointless. You'll lose yourself soon enough. You must feel it" "..." "Nothing to say?" "You had no catalyst" "We had your soul, already tainted in a ritual before" “Why me?” “You already know” 
So it was true. The one who brought me back… their mistake, they used it to end me once and for all.
 
.

.

.
 
But now I'm certain it won't happen again… no fuel can be used twice, and they will be safe.
 If I managed to kill him, the curse would have no more demonic qi to feed off, that had to work. I staggered towards him fully determined to see this through to the end.  I felt a blow to my gut, my blood dripping down my legs until my feet were fully submerged, a deep and long cut on my back, the skin on the inside of my palms was peeled away.  My legs tried to give away but I refused to fall. Someone's blade sliced my ankle. I hurled to attack him once more, but my legs couldn't keep up with me. They were unresponsive.  The sky turned grey and observed my terror as I was knocked down.  I fell on my knees. Then the world disappeared. There is nothing as painful as separating from the soul which was my place and my body.  I took too long .  The smell of blood and iron dissipated; the feeling of touch withered away from my skin, I could see my hand still holding the sword tightly but I couldn't feel it, my hearing was next, I could make out their screams calling out my name by the way their lips moved. As my vision faded, I looked back at them one last time, I looked eyes with Beak Cheon, Yi Iseol, Yoon Jong, Jo Gul, Tang Soso, and Hye Yeon, one by one. The elders and disciples were barely clear through the chaos. But they were also looking at me. Now only my voice was left. My feelings boiled over and an unknown sincerity gripped my soul. An impossible sound escaped my mouth. “Save me”  
_____

I once again discard all the longing and become filled with the bias of a dirty hope, all in vain, the color with the aroma of abandonment, a calm that awaits me on the other side. The surreal emptiness bites down on me without struggle, until a clear, powerful, and warm tenderness, grabs it and swallows it down.  Lukewarm turning burning hot as it consumed all of it. How could a void get consumed?  I watched it all from afar, unable to do anything but wait, hope, and dream.

_____ When I opened my eyes, I could only see white. Then slowly, little by little, colors and sounds filled my vision. 
I'm alive. 
 I detailed each one of them; their eyes, their hands, their arms. I heard them out, taking my time, resting on every syllable. Words filled my head as a torrent. 
They're covered in bandages from head to toe.
 Their eyes were full of relief, not an ounce of grief. 
 No one died? 
 "How?" My voice trembled sounding foreign. Tears flew out without brake, like water down a slope, this time, however, it was joyous bewilderment. "You are here, all of you -How?" “Naturally” "You asked for our help" "What else is there to say?" 
Well then.
 “I'm here, I'm here now" "You are" "Thank you" "You too, for staying with us"