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Leo didn't know why he felt so bad, he had come in with every intention of providing support to children who were in complicated situations with their families or had none at all. The establishment was quite large, the children had classes, but they had been assigned a small space during the week for artistic and sports activities. The first group, which was made up of first graders, had been very open to the activities, seemed enthusiastic and treated Leo and his coworker very well.The second year children had been quieter, they did the activities without complaining and had some fun but when Leo approached them to see if they needed help or how they were doing in general, they all kept quiet and said they were fine. Which Leo understood, after all, he was an outsider so it was okay, it would take some time before they got used to Leo or even had the confidence to act comfortably.The problem had been the third graders, for starters, it had been a much larger group than the other years, the vast majority were just out of high school, Leo knew that teenagers can be more difficult in a matter of breaking the ice or getting them to fully commit to activities, but this group had surprised them, Leonardo ended up with a bad backache and overwhelming fatigue.Despite the fact that the kids did the activity the vast majority did the exercises as fast as they could and sat with bored or annoyed faces on the benches, that worried Leo a little."Could it be that the exercises are boring? They're not liking the work, Why don't they like it? What should change?"Time passed and as Leo continued to give the directions the tight feeling in his chest grew deeper and deeper."They don't like me, they're looking too hard, am I underdressed? Or did they notice I'm nervous?"At the end of the activities Leo tried to do a little feedback session, he asked if there were any dynamics they didn't like, or on the contrary if there was something they particularly liked they could do it, but nobody said anything. Leo knew there were groups where the majority didn't talk but usually there was always someone who said something, even if it was just "fine" or "was good". In this case nobody said anything, Leo ended up stuttering a bit when they said goodbye to the kids and he reprimanded himself.
"Stupid, now they know you're insecure and don't trust you."
"Way to screw it up Leo now they know they intimidate you a little."
After they finished sorting through the material, the center director asked them for a few minutes to talk, Leo cold sweat thinking that it was all over, that they had seen Leo's poor performance and would ask him to find someone else more capable for the job.Fortunately Leo's anxiety had been mistaken, the principal thanked them for their support, asked them how they had been doing and asked them not to be discouraged with the third grade group as they were not showing much interest in any activity or dynamic in general, gave them some suggestions and again asked them not to be discouraged.Leo felt a little relieved after the conversation, he decided to read all the information he could about group dynamics and what to do when groups are apathetic or have a dense environment, "first, in situations where we feel anxiety let's think if there is a solution", he reminded himself, this situation has solutions, he focused on the things he could do and try to live with what he could not. That was what he had been taught in therapy, Leo knew how to do it, he had gone through the steps, but he still felt bad.Leo didn't know why, was it disappointment because things hadn't gone as Leo had hoped? Was it because Leo felt he hadn't done a good job choosing the activities that were boring for 2 of the 3 groups he saw today? Was it because he knew the kids hadn't had a good time and the goal of his visits was for them to have fun and have tools to face the world and Leo felt he hadn't achieved that because of his nervousness and poor choice of activities?Leo had been the "leader" of his brothers for a long time yes, but his brothers started to "listen" to him because there was no other way, Leo didn't feel the same confidence now, suddenly he was alone again not knowing how to lead a group, not knowing if what he said was right or not, if people could respect him, he felt that all his energy had been drained, he just wanted to get home to cry and go to sleep, he felt extremely tired even though he had not done too much physical exertion, Leo just wanted to lie down and cry, but he could not cry, he felt the tears, he invited them to come out "It's okay to cry, come on, come out" "Please I just want to cry, please come on, it's okay if I cry, why can't I? "Leo tossed and turned in his bed, after a while without any tears coming out he gave up, he tried watching Space Heroes but he couldn't concentrate on the episodes, he tried reading but the words wouldn't process in his mind, he tried eating some snacks he liked but they felt bland and turned his stomach, he tried lying back in his bed, closing his eyes and just sleeping.But it didn't work.Later that day his brothers asked him how he had been doing, Leo said it had been difficult and he didn't feel very well or capable enough."Wouldn't it be better if you thought about what you can contribute by being there? There's a reason you're in that place Leo."
"Besides, you're really good at your classes dude, I'm sure you do great."
"Just have more confidence in you fearless."
Leo appreciated the intention and the advice, but for some reason it didn't make him feel better, he felt he was complaining for the sake of complaining and he also didn't understand why he felt so bad, he had no reason, he knew what things he could improve, he had made an action plan, he was given advice and he was going to modify his dynamic, then
Why didn't the feeling go away?