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"Togawa!" a voice snapped Togawa out of his reverie. He blinked rapidly, trying to refocus on the conversation at hand. - "Huh? Uh. Oh. Excuse me, what were you saying?" , his words stumbled out.
Shit. He's been spacing out again.
His new boss raised an eyebrow, a hint of concern flickering in his eyes."Are you alright..?"
Togawa forced a smile, attempting to mask his inner turmoil."Yes! Of course! I'm sorry to be worrying you. I'm just gonna grab a coffee to wake me up." With a quick excuse, he fled to the safety of the kitchen, hoping to escape the prying eyes of his colleagues.
"Ah, sure..", he hears his new boss muttering, probably not even believing a word Togawa just spat out. It's not like he's been spacing out for a whole month during work, right...?
"Fuck", he curses himself out as he grips the edges of the kitchen sink, frustration boiling over, threatening to consume him whole. He couldn't shake the feeling of being trapped in his own mind, the weight of his regrets bearing down on him like a suffocating blanket.
Right.
He's been spacing out way too much lately.First, only Kuono noticed. Which is weird, because she doesn't even know him that well. He's only a superficial crush to her and yet she saw the way Togawa would just sit and stare at the wall, regretting ever confessing to Nozue.Then, not too long after, his coworkers seemed to notice too and now his fucking new boss..?
Yikes. He's really losing his mind, isn't he?
Togawa curls into himself.
He hasn't been himself ever since he confessed. Nozue has been avoiding him for four weeks and honestly Togawa can't really blame him. He would too, if someone just tried to force themselves on to him and then proclaiming to be wanting to seduce him. The memory of that moment haunts him, a constant reminder of his impulsive mistake.
Regret gnawed at him, clawing at his insides with each passing day. If only he could turn back time, undo the damage he'd caused. But wishes were futile, and Togawa was left to bear the burden of his actions alone.
And then there was Nozue. The mere thought of him sent a shiver down Togawa's spine. He missed the warmth of Nozue's smile, the comfort of his presence. But their relationship had become strained, fractured by Togawa's reckless actions.
"Togawa!"
Ugh. Not again.
"Huh?" - "Don't you 'huh' me! What is going on with you and Nozue?" As Kirishima mentions Nozue's name, a pang of longing shoots through Togawa's chest. The ache was familiar now, a constant companion in his waking hours.
"Nozue-san?"
Kirishima clicks her tongue," 'course you light up at his name."-"But, yes. Nozue. Haven't you been keeping in touch? You used to be all buddy-buddy! Are you two just not adjusting correctly to your new work environment? Maybe we need to go out to dinner with the new boss, hmm?"
Nozue.
His stomach drops.
Ah.
All he can think about is how badly he fucked up, how he really hates
himself and how much he misses Nozue. His mind keeps replaying how he just pushed Nouze against the wall, forced himself against him- and - he shuts his eyes in shame and disgust.
"Togawa? Are you all right?" Kirishima's voice cut through the haze of Togawa's thoughts, pulling him back to the present moment. He forces a smile, attempting to mask the storm raging inside him.
"Yes", he replied, his voice strained. ,"I just need a coffee."
Kirishma suspicily eyes him with a fixed gaze before heavily sighing,"Seriously what's been going on with you two? Ugh!". She shakes her head with her hands placed on her hips.
"Whatever it is, fix it! It's been messing with the two of you."
Oh, if only he could, he would.
When Kirishima finally leaves the kitchen, Togawa almost breaks down. He couldn't shake the feeling of emptiness that clung to him like a shadow. How could he fix something that felt irreparably broken?
Kirishima's voice broke through his thoughts, pulling him back to reality. "Nozue! We're here!", she exclaimed, her excitement palpable. Togawa's heart skips a beat as he followed her gaze.Uh. Oh. Wait, wait, wait.Togawa looks at Kirishima in utter horror.He's fucked.Oh, he's so so fucked.Nozue stood before him, a vision of warmth and light in the dimly lit restaurant. Togawa's breath caught in his throat as their eyes met, a rush of longing flooding his senses.No. No. This can't be real.One week after their conversation in the office, Kirishima's scheming had brought them together once again. He didn't think she would go as far as lying! This should be a dinner with their new boss, not ex. Yet, she shamelessly hasn't told anyone and now here he is.
Ugh.
Togawa's heart pounded in his chest, torn between fear and desire."Ah, so this is your new boss, huh? I'm very happy to meet you!", Nozue beams at the man, professionally extending his hand. "Ah, no! The pleasure is all mine. I've only been hearing good things about you!", Togawa's boss states while happily shaking his hand."Nozue," Togawa mutters under his breath, his gaze fixed on the lively scene unfolding. A forced smile plays on his lips as he watches Nozue warmly greet the new boss. The handshake feels like a distant memory, a connection slipping through Togawa's grasp. Nozue's charm permeates the room, a magnetic force that draws everyone in. Togawa struggles to look away, unable to escape the allure of the familiar warmth in Nozue's eyes. Each compliment, each laugh, echoes through Togawa's mind, intensifying the void left by five weeks of agonizing silence. He's not sure how much he can take right now. Honestly, Togawa hates himself for staring at Nozue, analyzing the way the ends of his lips curl upwards and the warm sparkle in his eyes appears. He hates that he can't seem to take his eyes off him, even though Togawa has no right to stare like that. Not after what he had done."Nozue-san, please sit next to me!" -"No! Next to me!"The coworkers' playful banter for Nozue's company only adds to Togawa's internal torment. His stomach churns with a mixture of envy and regret. Nozue's presence, so vibrant and alive, amplifies the silence that has settled between them. As Nozue's laughter reverberates, Togawa's heart tightens, caught in the paradox of longing and self-loathing. The once-shared camaraderie feels like a distant echo, and Togawa is trapped in the torment of witnessing what was and what he fears may never be again. His eyes, averted to his lap, conceal the turmoil within—a silent admission of his own damn hell.After five weeks of radio silence, there he is — Nozue, effortlessly weaving himself back into the fabric of the workplace, basking in the attention. Togawa's heart tightens as he observes Nozue's animated conversations, his infectious laughter filling the room.This is his own damn hell and he can't leave."No, you're seat is right here! I specifically reserved this seat for you", Kirishma snickers. "Ah, you want me right next to you." - "Of course, you're all mine today". Nozue laughs,"and that's sexual harassment."As Kirishma teases and claims a seat for Nozue, Togawa's unease deepens. Nozue's innocent blush and light-hearted remark cut through Togawa's defenses, a painful reminder of what once was. The atmosphere becomes suffocating, Togawa grappling with guilt and shame, his desire to escape growing stronger."To-ga-wa!" When a coworker interrupts his thoughts, Togawa is snapped back to reality, blinking away the weight of his emotions. The anxious knot tightens in his gut, threatening to overwhelm him. The room seems to close in as he contemplates the facade he's been desperately trying to maintain."You've been staring into space again! I've been asking if I can fill your glass for like five times now!", his coworker nags at him.His attempt to blend in shattered. "Oh. Uh, sorry", he stumbles over an apology, the shame of airing his emotions in public surfacing again. His decision is abrupt, almost desperate. Togawa rises from his seat. "Sorry. I just need some fresh air", a pitiful excuse tumbling from his lips. The worried glances follow him, accusing eyes boring into his unraveling composure. Togawa's retreat from the gathering is a desperate bid for fresh air, an escape from the suffocating reality that he can't seem to hold himself together."But the food's gonna be here in five!"Whatever. Togawa doesn't even remember ordering anything to begin with. He just really needs to leave. His legs are in motion, already having a mind of their own."Fuuuck," Togawa slumps onto a bench outside the restaurant, releasing a heavy sigh as he covers his face with trembling hands. The evening has unraveled into a chaotic mess, and he can't escape the whirlwind of emotions.Kirishima!Ugh. He's sure she meant well, yet Kirishima's well-intentioned interference only adds to Togawa's frustration. Plus, Nozue didn't really seem off like she proclaimed him to be. Was she exaggerating about Nozue's state, or did she orchestrate this dinner behind his back?
Maybe he's getting paranoid. Well, he surely is losing his mind. There's no way of denying it.Like, seriously? Who just runs out of a restaurant like that? It should be Nozue feeling uncomfortable, not him. He has not right acting like a baby, when he was the one to force himself against Nozue.Togawa grapples with the consequences of his own actions, yearning for an escape from the disastrous dinner he reluctantly joined. But Kirishima pressured him into going and now he knows why.Please kill him already."Togawa?"He can't even catch a breath, can he? Togawa this, Togawa that. Oh, spacing out again? Hell! Just leave him alone for a second. Just a fucking second."Yes, yes. I'm coming", irritation laces his response, as he drags his hands across his face. The constant attention, the concern—Togawa just wants a moment to escape the chaos of his own mind. He knows he keeps repeating himself, but this is literally the worst night ever. Togawa longs to be home, drowning his sorrows in beer, but politeness to Kirishima has bound him to this ordeal. He couldn't dare
to say 'no' when he had seen her eyes twitching in frustration."Togawa..", a soft voice gently calls out his name.
Boom. Boom. Boom.
Togawa's heart races. He almost falls off the bench in pure shock as his eyes meet Nozue's. Togawa's self-loathing intensifies, yet he can't tear his eyes away."Sorry to be bothering you. I'll be going in now. I'm really sorry they made you come out to me", pathetically he picks up his body and stands up. Carefully placing one foot in front of the other, because otherwise he's afraid his legs might just give in as the anxious feeling in his gut reappears. Though, who is he fooling? It never seems to leave."Wait!" Nozue's plea stops Togawa in his tracks, embarrassment washing over him. His willingness to heed Nozue's slightest request echoes the depth of his feelings, a silent admission that reverberates in the unspoken tension between them.God. He's pathetic.Togawa shuts his eyes and sighs before fully turning around to face Nozue, bracing himself for the conversation he's been dreading. Nozue approaches, hesitation lacing his every step. Togawa can feel the weight of the unspoken words hanging in the air."I've been thinking about that day-", Nozue starts, and Togawa's stomach churns with guilt.Oh.
Towaga chews on his lip.
That day..
Everyday he wishes he could take it back or make it disappear. The feeling of guilt and shame return once more. Each time it's getting worse and worse. Togawa isn't sure how much longer he can endure to stand in front of Nozue before he completely crumbles down into a pit of shame."Nozue-san. I'm sorry. I'm really sorry for what I did to you and I wish I could just take it back. You didn't deserve that." Togawa blurts out, unable to contain his remorse. The apology spills from him, a desperate attempt to make amends, though he knows deep down that it might never be enough. It never is. It never will be. These feelings will haunt him for ever. Togawa will never be able to forgive himself for what he did. And so, he sincerely bows down to him,"I'm so sorry"."Do you regret it?" Nozue's question hangs in the air, catching Togawa off guard. His gaze flickers to Nozue's calm, brown eyes, searching for something, anything-
"What?" Togawa's voice cracks, the weight of regret pressing down on him.If he regrets it..?"I'd do anything to reverse it," he confesses, his admission punctuated by the ache in his chest. The nights spent drowning his sorrows in beer and tears flash before his eyes—the regret, the pain, the longing for things to be different. Only he knows the feeling of his heart shattering into million pieces every damn night. Of course he regrets it. He does. He'd do anything, literally anything-"I'm sorry, but I don't," Nozue's words linger in the air, leaving Togawa stunned. For a moment, Togawa thinks this may be the very first time Nozue will actually slap him, a very well deserved slap. And yet? Yet, Nozue tells him he doesn't regret being kissed by him? He-Togawa blinks."What?""I don't", Nozue repeats as if that had been the question Togawa asked. As if it's clear as day. As if Togawa would know what Nozue means when he's standing here in front of him after avoiding him for five weeks and now telling him, that he doesn't regret it? What's that even supposed to mean?Togawa's breath catches, uncertainty clouding his expression."I'm sorry, I don't really understand what you mean," Togawa admits, his voice betraying a breathless confusion.Nozue bites his lips, his gaze fixed on Togawa with a mix of affection and trepidation. Togawa squirms under the scrutiny, unsure of the emotions playing across Nozue's face.Nozue chuckles nervously.God. He'd missed that sound."You're right", a smile beams from Nozue and Togawa's legs immediately feel jelly. "That was poorly worded. What I meant was that I've been thinking about that day. A lot". A blush tinges Nozue's cheeks as he chews nervously at his lips. He sighs and runs a hand across his face, attempting to ease his nerves. "At that time I was so confused and scared and terrified. I didn't know what to do, so I stupidly thought acting as if nothing ever happened would be the best, since I didn't want to lose you. But you kept dodging me and pushing me away. So I started keeping my distance."Nozue inches forward as Togawa watches him get closer, his heart pounding in anticipation."Everyday I just felt so empty without you, Togawa. I missed you so much but I was terrified about the future of our relationship. I've been with women, but never with men. So, of course I was scared. But the thought of you never smiling for me anymore broke me."Togawa's vision blurs suddenly, the weight of Nozue's confession crashing through the carefully guarded walls. His heart clenches, torn between belief and skepticism. A sob threatens to escape as Togawa shakes his head. He's not sure he can believe him. Maybe he's mistaking his feelings for longing with loneliness? Maybe he's just pitying Togawa, who's visibly struggling to hold himself together.God, he's so embarrassed."I want you to laugh with me, cry with me, be angry at me and make up with me. I want to be able to experience all human emotions with you." Nozue says, extending his hand to wipe away Togawa's tears. The sobs escape him now, a mixture of longing and disbelief.
Honestly, Togawa isn't sure if he's crying because he has missed Nozue-san so much or because he's so touched by his words. He'd long given up on Nozue reciprocating- hell Togawa isn't even sure if he even believed that Nozue could be able to return his feelings.Nozue's hand gently dances over Togawa's cheek, cupping it as the sobs crescendo. Togawa's heart races, attempting to keep pace with the emotional whirlwind."I love you, Togawa. I want you."That's it. That's all it takes.In that pivotal moment, Togawa's arms instinctively open, embracing Nozue in a tight, desperate hug. He buries his face into the crook of Nozue's neck, each breath a mixture of relief and overwhelming emotion. Nozue reciprocates, his arms enveloping Togawa with a tenderness that speaks volumes.As tears quietly subside, Togawa pulls back, his eyes locking onto Nozue's gaze. "Do you mean it?" His voice is barely a whisper."I love you so much, I could die," Nozue answers, and Togawa's breath catches. Togawa's eyes scan Nozue's face for anything that would state otherwise. But he's only met with a smile, genuine and filled with adoration, which graces Nozue's features, casting a spell that electrifies the air. Nozue cups Togawa's face in his hands, his touch a gentle reassurance. The intensity of the moment making Togawa's body shiver. Their eyes lock, a magnetic force pulling between them. A silent dialogue unfolds as their gazes drop to each other's lips, an unspoken anticipation charging the atmosphere. Nozue inches closer, desire flickering in his eyes, mirroring Togawa's longing. The tension becomes palpable as Togawa hesitates, still caught in the uncertainty of Nozue's feelings. The ache of physical longing tightens in Togawa's chest, a silent plea for reassurance. In that heartbeat, Togawa nervously bites his lower lip. The vulnerability in his gesture sends a surge of desire through Nozue. It's the catalyst for Nozue to lose restraint, and their lips meet with a collision of longing and pent-up frustration.Togawa's hands instinctively find their place on the back of Nozue's neck, deepening the kiss. Their breaths synchronize, and as they reluctantly part, foreheads resting together, they share gleeful smiles, reveling in the newfound connection."Let's grow old together, Nozue-san, until we're 80," Togawa suggests a little out of breath, his gaze fixated on Nozue's plump, kissed lips."What about when we're 81?""You're such a dork," Togawa laughs heartily."But I'm yours," Nozue whispers, his ears tinged with red.