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1st September, 1975

Platform 9 ¾ was no longer the same place as it was when Remus was a kid.

The platform used to be a warm welcome back. It was overwhelming, but a

comfort

. It was supposed to be where the colours of Remus’ life began to shift back to the vibrant hues he associated with Hogwarts. There was laughter, and buzzing chatter and smiles. It used to be impossible to hide the excitement that buzzed through Remus Lupin’s bones.

Now, there was no way to look past the bad to see the good.

The crowd was overwhelmingly loud. First years sobbed goodbyes out to their parents, trunks were being loaded onto the train while trolley wheels squeaked in painfully repetitive sequences, and friends greeted each other with sharp squeals after a summer apart. There was a baby crying somewhere, a family fighting somewhere else.
The train whistle blew, loud and obnoxious over it all.

Everything was in a cold grayscale. Nothing felt inviting.

The floor vibrated beneath him. The warm air clung to him like melted sugar, coating his skin with sticky sweat.

Remus was going to be sick.

A large hand settled on his shoulder, and he flinched away. He turned around to face his father, who had the same look that had been etched into his face since June. His eyebrows furrowed lightly, his lips turned into a slight frown. He was analysing Remus like a test, but Remus didn’t know what the questions

or

the answers were.

“You doing alright, son?” he asked. Remus nodded, and returned his gaze to where it had fixated.

Just down the platform, James and Peter were loading their things together as their parents spoke among themselves. Neither of them noticed Remus yet. He wasn’t sure if staying away had been his own unconscious decision, or if Lyall Lupin had other plans.

“Just tired,” Remus replied shortly.

That was his answer most of the time.

Did you sleep well?

Yes. Just tired.

Remus didn’t dare tell his parents about the nightmares, even though he knew they heard the screams in the middle of the night.

How’ve you been feeling?

Fine. Just tired.

He didn’t mention the aching pain in his muscles, or the way his memory of the last three months were so foggy he wasn’t entirely convinced they were real.

The fight.

The screams.

The pain.

Everything was

fine.

He was just

tired.

It felt like it happened yesterday, and that he was still laying in a bed at St Mungo’s. He should be waking up now; a little beaten up, but alive, safe and

human

. He’d ask about what happened, and he would learn that all of this was just an awful dream.

Remus rubbed his side absently. It didn’t hurt now, and his jumper was so thick he couldn’t feel the harsh scar tissue that bubbled up from his skin, but he could picture it. Every line, every dip and bump. The different shades of pink and white. He knew where there was nerve damage and where he could still feel. He lost count of the hours he spent in front of the mirror over the summer, studying it like a piece of art.

He swallowed, and pulled his sleeves down over his hands.

“Are you sure you want to go to Hogwarts today? I’m sure Professor Dumbledore would be perfectly fine with you coming a few days late. We could still arrange something,” Lyall said. His hand was on Remus’s shoulder again. It felt like a weight crushing him down. His skin wanted to crawl in every direction

away

from the physical contact.

“I’m sure,” Remus said. “I’d rather go with everyone else, it’ll be less suspicious.”

Lyall sighed.

His Father didn’t like the idea of Remus returning to Hogwarts at

all

this year. Remus had barely recovered before Lyall started looking into homeschooled magic programmes. There were arguments and negotiations and tears, but ultimately it had been Dumbledore who convinced Lyall to let Remus finish his studies at Hogwarts.

He hadn’t been told the details of what would happen at Hogwarts, just that a safe plan had been developed by Professor McGonagall, Professor Dumbledore and Madame Pomfrey.

“No one would suspect anything if you did,” Lyall said. Remus rolled his eyes.

“I want to go today,” Remus bit back. “I want to be there for the feast, I want to see my friends. I want to be

normal

.”

“Remus-”

“Don’t say it,” Remus snapped. “We already had this argument, so don’t

say

it.”

“I’m just worried, Remus. Everything is so new and it’s a lot for you to process. I just don’t know if Hogwarts is the right place to be doing that.”

“And it’ll be better if I’m moping around in the middle of nowhere?” Remus countered. “Learning magic and potions from my muggle Mother?”

“I would’ve-”

“No, no. You wouldn’t’ve. You’ve been working twice as hard since July. I would’ve been teaching myself with a textbook and parchment alone,” Remus argued. “And I get it, I know what you do is important but-”

“You are just as important to me, Remus. I just want you to be safe,” Lyall said.

“I will be safe. At Hogwarts. Just because you refuse to acknowledge any of this doesn't mean that they won’t,” Remus said.

“I know, of course. Just… please, Remus. Exercise caution. There’s a reason why I don’t think it’s a good idea to tell anyone,” Lyall said.

Remus’s jaw stiffened. He stared at his father, his fists bawled at either side. He wasn’t going to tell his friends, but it wasn’t for his own safety. It was for theirs, and to protect himself from his own shame. Three months, and he still hadn’t actually said the word out loud. Not to anyone, not to himself.

Werewolf.

“And talk to Professor McGonagall in the morning, alright? Don’t forget you two set up that meeting.”

“Goodbye, Father-”

“If you need to come home at any time, even just for a weekend, we can arrange it.”

“I’ll see you in December,” Remus said.

He grabbed his trunk and began walking to the train. Most students were settled, hidden on the other side of the metal walls. The horn blew again. He glanced back at his father, who was still planted in the same spot, in the same, stern stance. At the last moment, he lifted his hand in a small goodbye. Remus did nothing as he turned around and boarded the Hogwarts express.

He walked past the different carts, glancing in at all the different groups of friends until he found the one where the other three Marauders already settled, along with Marlene and Mary.

He hesitated as his hand clasped onto the door.

Was it a good idea to sit with them?

Why wouldn’t it be? It wasn’t like he was dangerous right

now.

Besides, he knew his friends. They might not notice his absence right away, but as soon as they did, they’d be hunting him down across the train.

Still, it was tempting to find a quiet booth to try and sleep the ride away. Remus spent most of the night arguing with his parents, and then once he finally got to bed, his entire sleep was plagued with nightmares. There was no reason that a nap on the train would be any different, but he still wanted to try.

A sharp snort from Peter was all it took to decide. Remus knew he had to learn how to deal with the overwhelming noises of school, but he didn’t have to start practicing until he actually got on the grounds, he decided.

No one noticed him lurking at the door, so he kept walking until he found an empty compartment. He put his trunk up top and grabbed his extra jumper to use as a makeshift pillow. He shoved it up against the window and closed his eyes as the train let out a final whistle.

Remus took a deep breath. Dust and old, stale perfume filled his nose. The perfume had long since settled into the cushions, probably from last summer from the journey

back

from Hogwarts. It was floral, rose and honey and something else. Something smokey that he couldn’t quite make out. It would’ve been impossible for anyone else to smell it, and that thought alone was enough for him to stop trying to figure out that final note.

He coughed and buried his nose into his jumper. The stupid perfume was still bugging him, even as he inhaled the scent of his own sweater. Detergent still clung to the fibers, and it smelt like the living room on Sunday mornings, when his mother would lay out all the laundry to dry. All he was missing was the fresh bread wafting through the kitchen, and the warm summer air floating through the open window.

If he really concentrated, Remus could hear the conversation going on in the cart behind him. It was faint, mostly sounds as he couldn’t quite make out the distinct words. Three voices; two male, and one female. He could make out her voice just a hair clearer, laughing while saying, “no, no stop! That’s not what happened!” while the deeper of the two voices argued back.

Remus grabbed his wand and silenced his booth. All of the static noise fizzled out and was replaced with a blissful silence. He sighed again, this time with a content hum, and relaxed into the seat. He brought his legs up, stretching out as much as he could. He had to bend his legs a little bit, twisting his body to the side so that he could fit comfortably across the length of the seat.

Remus curled up on his grandparents love seat while his grandfather dealt another round of cards. The wind howled outside, but the rain was nothing more than a small drizzle.

His eyes were heavy, but the adults were all still filled with energy. The electricity was back on now, but they chose to continue playing by candlelight with the fire ablaze. It was warm, comforting, and so easy for Remus to fall into the plush cushions.

The train began moving with a jolt. Remus flinched, his eyes shooting awake before he quickly settled back down. He was safe. It was fine.

A sudden, loud crash from the front of the house. A roar. The crunch of glass. Shouting.

Remus rolled over, fully resting on his side as he brought his makeshift pillow closer to his head, trying desperately to find a decent position. The worn velvet material of the seat tugged at the corduroy of his pants. He huffed, before he sat up and returned to his position of just leaning against the wall. This time, he put his legs up on top of the seat on the other side.

His legs were too long to curl up comfortably. He just wanted to rest, was that too much to ask?

A body. Another crash. A scream. Blood.

Remus relaxed his eyebrows, trying to prevent the deep furrow that had been etched there. He made the conscious decision to relax all the muscles in his face. First his eyebrows, then his tongue, his cheeks, and finally his jaw.

The snap of apparition.

His mind sank further down, but his body did not. Maybe he was being impatient, shifting every few seconds after his body started to drift instead of letting everything settle. No matter what though, there was pressure somewhere that was uncomfortable. He tilted his face towards the covering of the seat, but that brought the horrid perfume smell closer. He would shift towards the window, but then the sun was blinding.

The lock on his bedroom door. Another loud crash. The splintering of wood. His door crashed open.

Remus stood up abruptly, and decided with a loud huff that sleep was

not

something that was going to happen on this train ride. It didn’t matter that they had been moving for a quarter of an hour at most. He grabbed a battered muggle book from his bag, and sat down, spreading his legs across the seat. If he couldn’t sleep, he would do his damndest to distract himself.

He flipped open to where the page was folded over and continued to read.

A low snarl. The creature moved too fast for Remus to see it. He was thrown back, the shock from his head slamming against the wooden floors still rattling his skull. His vision slowly trickled back in, but it was too slow. He barely processed what happened when the werewolf was on top of him. Its breath was hot, drooling on his pinned body as if it was savouring its meal.

He could feel blood pouring out from his arms, but he couldn’t feel the wound. He screamed, desperate to get away but nothing was moving right. There was no response from his grandparents that he could hear. Where were they?

Where were his parents?

The bite. A scream. The blast of magic.

Nothing.

The cart’s door suddenly slammed open, and Remus dropped the book into his lap.

The images faded from his eyes, slowly being replaced with what was in front of him. There was no blood, just the red upholstery of the seats. The guest room was long gone now, his grandparents were put to rest.

He barely got a chance to recover as Sirius came barreling into the compartment without any care in the world. Remus jumped up against the wall with his eyes wide.

“Lupin! I thought you’d

died

!” Sirius exclaimed. Remus cleared his throat, and gave an awkward laugh.

“Still kicking,” Remus replied. He opened his mouth to say something more, but instead was cut off with a hug. Remus let out a small sound of surprise, but it was so easy to sink into the other’s arms.

“Where were you all summer?!”

Remus hesitated. He’d rehearsed his story so many times. He figured out every beat of his fake summer, where he was, what happened, just to make sure he wasn’t caught in a lie. Now though, he had no idea what to say. It didn’t help that his heart was still racing, and his mind was still spinning. .

“I wrote James once. Told you, family emergency,” Remus said.

“For three

months

?” Sirius asked. “Not a single owl, Lupin! Three

months

!”

“I

know

, I’m sorry, alright? I was with my mother’s family all summer.” It wasn’t technically a lie. “I couldn’t really carry an owl around with me. It’s not really a common muggle pet.” Also not a lie.

“Well what’s your excuse for today then, huh? We didn’t see you

anywhere

on the platform, and then you didn't sit with us?! What were you doing here alone?”

Sirius gave his arms a small squeeze, and it was at this moment that he realized that Sirius’s hands never actually stopped holding him when he pulled away from the hug. Remus’s hands never left Sirius’s waist either, and this sudden realization was enough for him to let his hands drop.

He didn’t dare let his eyes fall any lower than Sirius’.

“You’re beautiful, Remus. Do you know that?”

“I was tired,” Remus said. “I was late, just got on the train before it started moving, and I barely slept last night. I walked past but the girls were in the cabin and I was so tired, I didn’t want to cramp everyone and-”

“Remus-”

“I’m sorry. I should’ve at least said hello.”

“I’ve heard some people say it… Just a couple times.

”

“I’m glad you’re okay,” Sirius said. “Even if you scared the shit outta me all summer, and today, and probably will again sometime this week.”

Remus’s eyes went wide. The blood drained from his face. The moon was only a few days away. That’s not what he meant, right? There was no way he could know.

“How would I do that?”

“I don’t know! But at this rate, I won’t be surprised if you figure something out,” Sirius said with a small laugh. He finally released his hands from Remus’s shoulder, only for him to take Remus’s hand instead and tugged him down to sit beside him on the booth.

The lantern’s glow was soft in the dorm room, the laughter from the party down below carried up the stairs. Sirius’s hand never left Remus’s. They sat side by side, with Sirius’s head buried in the crook of Remus’s neck. He closed his eyes, and drank in the moment.

“I think you should be told it more… So much more.”

This was the first time that Sirius and Remus had been alone since the party at the end of fourth year, Remus realized. He wasn’t sure what to make out of it. There was no way they’d be able to continue that conversation now. Really, it was a drunken slur of words where neither of them had thought about what they were saying.

“How was your summer?” Remus asked. He didn’t want to talk about himself. Sirius didn’t have to hear about his summer spent in his bedroom, recovering from wounds that would just flare up again in a month's time. Or about the arguments with his parents, or the meetings with Dumbledore and Mad Eye Moody, a man that had all been nothing but stories from the Order until now. The hunger, the mood swings, the longing to respond to the letters that had piled up on his desk, and the lack of energy to do so.

“Bloody awful, for the first half,” Sirius said with a dramatic huff. “I mean, my family was family, you know how they are.” He rolled his eyes.

Remus did not actually know how they were. Not in the way that James did. He knew enough to know what Sirius meant though. He wasn’t the only one who had to deal with shit over the summer.

“I’m not allowed at the super secret, definitely

not

Deatheater meetings that were happening all summer,” Sirius continued. Remus sat up a little straighter at that.

“Little Regulus is though. He’s not even branded, which, I mean, is probably inevitable at this point,” Sirius scoffed. “He was following my parents around all summer like a lost little puppy, practically begging for scraps. We spoke maybe twice, and each time it was just a shouting match. At least

he

didn’t throw curses around like some people, I guess.”

“You left for the Potter’s in July though, didn’t you?” Remus asked. Sirius cracked a small smile.

“And how would you have known that if you hadn’t read my letters?” he said.

“I never said I didn’t read them, just that I couldn’t reply,” Remus countered. Sirius gave him a small look, but dropped the argument. His smile was still lingering on his face, and Remus couldn’t help but smile back.

“You arse! Anyways, yeah. It was like the clouds cleared and the sun finally came out.”

Sirius collapsed, his head settling into Remus’s lap, his hair sprawling across so effortlessly. Remus flinched. Sirius glanced up at him, a slight furrow in his eyebrows. Remus reached up and ran a hand through his curly hair.

“You’re pretty beautiful too, Sirius.”

“Oh I know.”

“My parents were right pissed, but when are they not? I packed up my shit in the middle of the night during one of their stupid dinners and took off. Clearly they didn’t miss me much though, because all I heard from them for the rest of the summer was them forwarding my Hogwarts letter,” Sirius said. “Got a couple letters from Reggie, which was weird.”

“What did he say?” Remus asked. His hair was so soft between Remus’s fingers. It was easy to distract himself with it. He could still see the healing scar on his hand from last month, but his jumper hid most of the scar trailing up his forearm. His cracked fingernail hadn’t entirely grown back yet.

Sirius sat up and looked over at him, a soft glow in his eyes. His smile was a little lopsided from the fire whiskey the two had stolen from downstairs. His gaze wandered from Remus’s eyes, to his hand, to his lips…

“Dunno. I ripped them up, tossed them in the bin. There was nothing he could say that would’ve been worth listening to,” Sirius said.

“Can’t blame you there,” Remus remarked. He sighed softly and closed his eyes.

“We practiced a

lot

, went into the muggle town a couple times. Merlin, one night Peter came over and we were running drills. Oh, the poor guy! James knocked him right off his broom, flat on his face with the quaffle.” Sirius laughed. “Not even a bludger! A quaffle!”

“Sounds hilarious.”

“It was, you had to have been there though,” Sirius said. “Enough about my summer, tell me about yours.”

There it was. The moment he was trying to avoid. The moment he could

still

avoid, if he really tried.

“Speaking of the others, what are they doing right now?” Remus asked.

“Uh, James has a Prefect meeting at the front of the train, and Peter is sleeping,” Sirius said. “Now tell me, what happened? Obviously something did, you always find time to come to the Potters.”

Remus opened his mouth, before he shut it again. He had his story, he worked it out with parents. He knew what to say, so why was it so much harder now?

“Remus, can I-”

The trolley door slid open with a harsh

wack

. Sirius jumped up, but Remus had barely moved this time. They had been found in more compromising positions before, but that was just their friendship. It was nothing more than guys being friends, and being comfortable touching each other. Platonically. Nothing more.

“There you two are!” Peter exclaimed. “I woke up and it was just Marlene and Mary in the cart! I lasted two minutes before I got bored listening to them gossiping.”

He welcomed himself in, and sat down across from them.

“The trolley cart hasn’t been by yet, has it?”

“Not that I know of, Pete,” Remus said. “Good nap?”

“Oh the best! You have no idea how good a train nap is.”

Remus and Sirius glanced between each other.

Peter was truly a blessing in disguise, showing up at just the right moment. Remus wanted to tell his story to his friends all at once, that way there was less of a chance to mess it up.

“How was your summer, then?” Remus asked, which launched Peter into a story that fell into another story. Sirius sat back, arms crossed and his legs spread. Their knees knocked together. Remus just focused on his friend across from him.

Occasionally, Sirius would glance at Remus, but he never looked over. He could almost sense the questions sitting on the tip of his tongue, and his answers tasted like bile in his mouth.

He would avoid the conversation as long as he could.

Remus sat beside Peter in the grand hall as the students flooded in for the welcome feast. Sirius sat across from him, with James at his side, though he seemed more interested in the group of girls sitting on the other side of Remus. Well. One of them, anyways.

He resumed his same quiet demeanor that he had on the train. This time though, it was easier now that James was able to rejoin them. Sirius seemed to be less inclined to grill Remus with everyone so closely packed.

The hall fell silent as the sorting ceremony began. Remus only half paid attention, watching the kids walk up but never quite listening to their names. After four years, the ceremony started to lose its charm.

Remus clapped along idly to the newest Gryffindor joining the end of the table. He glanced over at Sirius, who seemed to be staring off into space. Curiously, he looked behind his shoulder, searching the crowd for what Sirius could be staring at before his gaze landed on Regulus. As soon as Remus found him, he seemed to pull his attention away from their table and returned back to his own conversation.

“He’s been staring at me since we sat down,” Sirius muttered as he rolled his eyes.

“Just ignore him. He can’t do shit to you now,” James dismissed.

“Yeah! You don’t even have to talk to him if you don’t want to,” Peter chimed in. Sirius gave him a small look, before he looked back over to the Slytherin table again.

“I don’t like it… He’s up to something,” Sirius said. Remus glanced over his shoulder again, not so subtly tipping off Regulus that their entire table was talking about him.

Again, Regulus seemed to turn his attention away as soon as Remus looked over. This time though, they were interrupted by the Sorting Hat proudly announcing the newest Hufflepuff, and everyone had to pretend they were still paying attention. They were only on the ‘J’s so far.

Remus was starving. He wasn’t sure how much more waiting he could take. He just wanted to eat, and go to sleep. His appetite was so much worse nowadays, especially around the moon. Even with the large breakfast he had before leaving home, and the lunch he had packed for the train, he was starved.

Eventually, the names were called, and the usual welcome speech began. Remus started paying attention, if only for the sake of not falling asleep on the empty table. It was the same speech Dumbledore gave every year. Remus made a point of listening attentively during his first three years of Hogwarts, but it was rarely anything noteworthy. Now it was just more time that he had to sit at this uncomfortable bench and stare at the wood grain shapes in the table.

Beside him, his friends were leaning in close, having given up on paying attention to Dumbledore altogether. Remus caught bits and pieces, and he found himself leaning in with the rest of them. They (Or at least, James and Sirius) were already discussing a welcome back prank. Remus had no idea how they had any energy to think about it, but then again, any other year, he would’ve too.

“And finally, I would like to address the addition of the Whomping Willow planted just south of the Quidditch grounds. The tree is currently being healed and cared for by Professor Sprout. Students are forbidden to go near the tree, unless supervised in class. It is for your own safety, as well as the safety of the tree. It is a highly valuable gift, which we have been given the honour of nurturing back to health and protecting. With that, let the feast begin.”

Remus sat up a little straighter as the food finally appeared on the tables.

He had to control himself as he loaded up his plate with a modest amount of food. Sure, he had to layer the mashed potatoes under the roast beef, and there wasn’t enough room on the plate to prevent the gravy from falling over his carrots, but it was fine.

He hadn’t told his parents about most of the side effects he discovered over the last few months. The hunger, the pain, the anger, the random bursts of magic, the

nightmares

… It seemed like no one in the Lupin household wanted to actually

talk

about what happened. It was bad enough that they were grieving the loss of two family members, Remus didn’t want to add his own issues on top of it.

His mother tried to care. She always sat beside him in his bed after the full moon, and was always the last face he saw before the Wolf took over. She’d coo over him like he was a baby, with a warm cloth and whispered promises that it would get better, but Remus didn’t miss the way she recoiled if Remus moved too fast, or if his tone shifted in any unexpected way. He knew she avoided him the days leading up to the moon. Those were the hardest ones for all of them to cope with.

Would his friends notice that shift too? Surely, they would. Remus was good at hiding his emotions, but over the summer it had gotten harder. The secrets were fine. He didn’t worry about that. Most of the worry that Remus would tell someone came from his parents. His father, to be precise.

He knew that he’d have to put a bit of distance between himself and his friends this year, but he wasn’t going to remove himself from them entirely. It was almost impossible to. He didn’t

want

to. Not one bit.

He didn’t want to hurt them though. He wouldn’t. He had to trust that whatever McGonagall and Dumbledore figured out for him was a safe plan. The Wolf wouldn’t go anywhere near

anyone

.

If it did though…

“You alright there, Lupin?” James asked, snapping him out of his own thoughts. Remus sat up a bit straighter and looked over the table.

“Course. Why?” he said.

“You just… stopped eating and paled. Looked like you were going to be sick,” he said. Remus cleared his throat, a flush rushing up to his paled cheeks. He grabbed his water and took a sip.

“No, I uh, I’m fine,” Remus dismissed.

He sighed and finished off a few more bites, before he set his fork down and waited for his friends to finish. He still didn’t talk much, but he actively listened as Sirius and James theorized how they could use the Whomping Willow for a prank. Off limits was nothing more than a word when it came to the Marauders. Remus didn’t know much about the trees, but whatever they were thinking, Remus was going to make sure they didn’t get too carried away. It was easy to get crushed by one of those things if you weren’t careful.

Why Dumbledore would allow such a violent plant on the castle grounds just for Professor Sprout made absolutely no sense to him.

“I’m just saying! We need to replace

three

players this year, it wouldn’t hurt to start practices with the returning members

before

the tryouts.”

Remus yawned as he lazily unpacked his things. It took James and Sirius barely half an hour before they were already talking about Quidditch. Classes? Remus could understand that. It was a unique type of cruelty to give students one day before starting classes, but

Quidditch?

Tryouts weren’t even going to start until the end of the month.

“There’s no sense in trying to practice with only half a team, James. You’re going to scare everyone else away,” Sirius replied. “Let’s just get through this first week, alright? I promise you, Saturday morning you and I can be on that field from sunrise until breakfast, but I am

not

getting up Wednesday morning at the ass crack of dawn to try and run drills with

four

people.”

“Can I come?” Peter asked.

“Course, Pete,” James said. “Saturday morning, then. I’ll let McKinnon and the rest know.”

“Make it optional,” Remus suggested.

“Blimey! I didn’t realise you still knew how to speak,” James joked. “Thought Snevillus put a silencing charm on you for a while there.”

Remus rolled his eyes as he tossed the last of his jumpers into a drawer. It was

just

able to close with all of them crammed in there.

“When have I

ever

had something productive to say about Quidditch?” Remus countered.

“I take it that’s your formal rejection from the team then?”

“Fourth year running, yep,” Remus said with a small nod. James grinned at him. He knew there was no way he was ever getting Remus on a broom. Quidditch was so far out of the realm of his interests, they existed in separate universes.

The idea of just floating in the sky seemed tempting now though.

“It’s a shame, really. Betcha with all of us on the team, we’d be unstoppable,” Sirius said.

“Or it would end in chaos and misery for everyone,” Remus replied.

“I’d like to try out again this year!” Peter pipped in. “I think I really have a chance this time.”

James gave Peter a small smile. Remus looked away to grab a change of clothes.

He hesitated, before grabbing one of his softer jumpers. He hated sleeping in layers, but wearing just a usual nightshirt meant that he’d have most of his newfound scars out on display.

Most of them were subtle enough that he could hide them easily. The worst was the one across his face that he made during his first transformation. It was already fully healed, but the thick, silvery line was still there from his cheekbone, across his nose and all the way down to his chin. He had a glamour cast on his face before leaving home this morning, and he’d have to cast it again in the morning before anyone saw.

The ones on his arms weren’t that bad. They were subtle enough that no one would ask him questions if they noticed. Still, it wasn’t something he wanted to risk.

So instead of trying to hide his skin around his friends, Remus did something that he hadn’t done since second year.

He got changed in the bathroom.

Sirius was in the process of changing in his own corner of the room, and James had been shirtless since they all started to settle into their dorm. Remus avoided eye contact as he crossed the room, wanting to avoid any questions.

He hadn’t actually made up a lie for the scars yet. It was something he tried not to think about when he could, so when he sat down to make his excuses about the summer, he pushed that part of it aside.

Remus changed quickly, before he checked his face in the mirror. It still looked fine, but he recasted the glamour just in case. It was going to take some practice for him to be able to get it perfect, but it was better than nothing.

Sirius was watching him as he left the bathroom. Remus froze for a moment in the door frame, before he started walking back to his bed. He tossed his soiled clothes in the basket, and crawled into his bed.

“Heading to bed already, Lupin?” James asked. Remus shrugged.

“Big day tomorrow,” he said.

“Hardly. What could possibly happen tomorrow? It’ll just be all the first years running around, trying to find their way to their classes,” Sirius dismissed.

“Well. I’m tired,” Remus said. “You guys stay up all you want, I can cast a silencing charm.”

“You slept most of the train ride!” Sirius exclaimed.

“And now I’m going to sleep through the night.”

That was a lie, Remus was almost certain of it. He didn’t want to tally up the lies he spewed out since getting on the train.

It was necessary though, that was the thing he had to keep reminding himself. They didn’t need to know what happened over the summer.

With a flick of his wand, the curtains around Remus’ bed shut.

“What’s his problem?” James asked.

Remus casted a silencing charm before he caught anyone’s response.

He huffed as he fell back against his pillow, and stared up at the ceiling. The curtains did a fantastic job of dulling out the lights from the other side, but after a few seconds, his sight sharpened and he could make out the delicate golden stitching around the edges of the bed frame.

He lasted about thirty seconds just laying there, before he sat up again. Remus grabbed the same muggle paperback from the train, and curled up in his bed.

Remus

was

tired, but there was a general ache that spread through his bones all the time now. It was worse around the full moon; everything was. It was bad enough that the beast inside him had to violently break out once a month, so why must it spend a week lurking under his skin, taunting him, reminding him of what was to come.

He tried not to think about it too much. It was hard being left alone with his own thoughts for most of the summer, when he spent most of his days confiding in his bed until his skin melted into his sheets. There were a few times where his father had to drag him out of bed and into the shower. It snapped him out of his heavy daze for a few hours, before he sunk back into it again.

At least at Hogwarts he was going to have distractions. His friends, as long as he didn’t accidentally chase them away, for one. Classes would be another one, maybe he’d join a club or two for once (that was almost laughable, if he was being honest, but maybe he could be desperate enough.)

A part of him wanted to ask Professor McGonagall if there were any extra classes he could fit into his schedule, but it was unlikely. He knew he’d be able to

theoretically

catch up
on the first two years of study, but practically? No one was going to even entertain that idea.

Remus didn’t read a single word on the pages in front of him. His eyes glazed over as his eyes followed the rows of letters, before he’d turn the page as if he just processed the information in front of him. Sometimes, if he snapped back into it for a moment, he would backtrack and begin actually trying to read, but his mind would quickly wander again.

He wasn’t sure how long he did that for. At some point, he made the decision to just stop and actually try to go to sleep, but he didn’t put the book away.

Suddenly, his curtain was pulled away. It was dark on the other side, but he could make out Sirius’ curls in the dark. Remus quickly shut his book and lifted the silencing charm.

“Can we talk?” Sirius whispered. Remus hesitated, before he sat up a bit straighter and made room for Sirius on the bed.

Once he was settled, Remus recast the charm. Sirius lit his wand, casting a warm glow across their faces. They sat in silence for a moment. Remus shrunk further back into himself.

“Are you avoiding me?” Sirius asked. Remus raised an eyebrow, which was enough of a prompt for Sirius to continue.

“I get it if you don’t want to talk about your summer, but you’re dodging

every

question, and you’ve barely looked at me when everyone else is around.”

“I’m not… avoiding you, mate, I just…” Remus trailed off.

“Is it about the party? Because I didn’t mean it like

that

you know. I just, we were pissed, I wasn’t thinkin’ straight. I didn’t

mean

to get so clingy,” Sirius said. “You don’t need to be afraid of hanging around me. I won’t start something you don’t want again.”

Remus swallowed, before he gave a small nod. That was a jab in the chest he hadn’t expected. A part of him thought that they would just never address what happened, but somehow this was worse.

“I ain’t afraid. You got nothing to worry about,” Remus said after a moment, realising that he should probably say

something.

Definitely not: I have

been thinking about that night since we left Hogwarts last summer. It’s the only good thing I’ve been holding onto

.

Which was, again, a lie. Yes, he had thought about it. Yes, it served as a happy memory- that almost kiss was the closest thing he got to feeling

wanted

. He wasn’t an idiot, he knew that girls liked him, but he never liked them back. Not like

that

. Not like Sirius had… Well, he hadn’t said anything, not really. Nothing really happened.

They called each other beautiful, then Peter came waltzing in. That was the end of it.

“Blame it on the fire whiskey, yeah?” Sirius said.

“Course.”

“Cool… Cool. So if you’re

not

avoiding me…”

“It’s been barely twenty four hours, Sirius. Usually if somethings up, you don’t catch on for at

least

a week,” Remus pointed out. There was a bit of unintentional bite to his words, but a grin on his lips. Sirius gawked, before he smacked his knee.

“It does not take me that long, asshole,” Sirius muttered. “Besides, it hasn’t been a week. It’s been a whole summer of

nothing.

No letter, no visits, no sign of life from Remus Lupin. Obviously, we all knew something was going on.”

“I can’t talk about it,” Remus said. “I swear, I would if I could. It’s… It was Order related stuff,” he added hesitantly.

Technically true, though Moody never told him he

couldn’t

reach out to his friends. He just told Remus to lay low to the ground, not to do too much to gather attention. The same went for his parents, which resulted in a lot of working from home for his father, and a lot of arguing between all three of them.

Their home had wards put up, was made untraceable and could only be visited by a select few. There had been talk about relocating, but after the first moon came and went with no unexpected visitors, it had been ruled the wards were enough.

Sirius’ eyes went wide. “

Order stuff?

”

“Yeah. Something about some research my dad was doing. Then there uh, was an incident with my grandparents…” Remus trailed off slowly. “We were attacked while visiting them. My parents and I made it out but…”

“They didn’t,” Sirius finished. “I’m sorry, Lupe.”

“It’s okay. It’s- I mean it’s not-”

I lost a lot more than my grandparents that night

“-but I’ll be okay.”

I am never going to be the same again.

----- CHAPTER BREAK -----

Remus awoke before anyone else in his dorm. The sun wasn’t even creeping up over the horizon yet, but there was no hope in him falling back asleep. His heart was racing; his shirt soaked through with sweat. Some sort of nightmare woke him up, but the plot was already going fuzzy in his head.

He changed in the bathroom. Even with everyone asleep, he didn’t want to risk it. The faintest remnants of the glamour still graced his face, and he recast it.

Remus stared at himself in the mirror. Usually he either had the scar, or he didn’t. It was another thing entirely to watch as it melted away from his reflection.

What a wonder one scar could do to someone’s face.

It was far too early for Remus to go disturbing McGonagall yet. Chances were the house elves had just started preparations for breakfast in the kitchens. He wasn’t sure what the Professor’s schedules were, but something told him most of them didn’t get up at the crack of dawn.

So he grabbed a jumper, his wand, a blanket and a book, and began his quiet descent down to the common room.

There was nothing wrong with his dorm. Peter snored, which was never an issue before. James was a heavy sleeper, but Sirius could wake up at the sound of the door knob. Again, neither of those things were issues. It was easy to lock himself away in his bed, with the right charms it was like he was in a whole other room.

But it was still just a bed.

At least down here, Remus could set the fireplace alight, and sprawl out across the couch without feeling like the walls were closing in around him. He could hum to himself and summon a cup of tea and not have to worry about people trying to make conversation as they wake up.

How long had he slept for? His abrupt waking aside, he was sure he got at least a few hours, but his eyes ached behind his skull, and every yawn felt more like a lullaby than a way to coax himself awake.

The first night at Hogwarts always felt a bit off. It was a welcome home, but it was also a different bed. His mattress at Hogwarts was much softer- almost too soft now. Before it was a cloud he could sink into after a long day of classes. Now it felt like it was swallowing him whole. At home, his mattress was firm. It used to be uncomfortable, but somehow, it was more desirable now. Something about the structure

worked

for him.

His back ached, but so did his shoulders, and his head, and his heart.

He’d give anything to fall back asleep on the couch, but that wasn’t happening. So, he opened his book, and unlike last night, actually read the words on the page.

Gradually, the common room woke up as the sun started shining in through the windows. Remus stayed tucked in the corner of one of the couches with his book. People passed. A couple fourth years said hello to Remus, and two first years bolted down the stairs with a map as soon as students were allowed to roam the halls.

By the time Remus decided it was late enough in the morning, none of his friends had yet to emerge from their dorm. It was a blessing, really. It would be easier to go visit McGonagall without them asking any questions.

Still, Remus had to put his things away before he left.

Quietly, he opened the door and laid his things on his bed. Sirius stirred, and sat up.

“Morn’n,” he grumbled. Remus gave a stiff smile, one that went unseen as Sirius ran a hand down his face.

“Go back to bed, it’s just past six,” Remus said.

“The hell are you doin’ up, then?” Sirius furrowed his eyebrows and yawned. “Going around, wakin’ me up.” He laid back down, and tugged his blanket up over his shoulders.

“Sorry, mate. I was trying to leave quietly.”

“Yeah, sure. Be quieter next time, would ya?”

Remus held back his laughter, which he knew would just add fuel to the fire. For all the unknowns, there was a comfort in the fact that he knew some things wouldn’t change this year.

James would likely be up in less than an hour, which meant Sirius would be dragged out of his bed as well. He hoped to be back to go down to breakfast with the others, but he had no idea how long this meeting was supposed to take.

The communication between Dumbledore and the Lupin family over the summer had been… sparse, to say the least. There were a few letters back and forth when the bite first happened, exclusively between his Father and Dumbledore. Remus knew the initial letter had been a notice that Remus would not be returning to Hogwarts for fifth year. He wasn’t actually told what happened after that.

He wondered if Dumbledore would ever pull him aside for a conversation. Something told him that he

should

. He didn’t have to, everything could theoretically be communicated through McGonagall, but he wanted Dumbledore to be there. He wanted to know what he told his father to change his mind.

Remus knocked on the door to McGongall’s office, and upon invite, slipped inside.

“Good morning, Mr Lupin. You’re earlier than I expected,” she remarked.

“Couldn’t sleep, Professor. Your letter only said sometime before breakfast,” Remus said hesitantly. “Should I come back later?”

“No, nonsense. Please, sit. We’ve got a fair bit to discuss. Tea?”

“Yes, please.”

Remus sat down in the chair across from McGonagall’s desk. He watched as the tea pot poured itself into two cups, and then one moved in front of him. He waited until McGonagall picked up her own teacup before he took his own.

“How was your summer, Remus?”

The question took him off guard. He froze, his cup half raised to his lips, as he tried to process that question. He furrowed his eyebrows, and cleared his throat.

“Uh… Not great?”

“Forgive me, that was the wrong question to ask. How have you been settling into the events of the summer?”

“It’s been… fine.”

It was awful. Remus had been upset before. Depressing was a dramatic word for it, but that was how his summer had been. Cemented to his bed, nothing brought him joy, not even sleep. He cut off communication with his friends, despite being reassured that the occasional letter would be okay.

“Fine?” McGonagall echoed. Remus shrugged. He sipped his tea, and then cradled the warm china in his stiff fingers.

“I mean… It’s not great. It’s awful… I uh, I hate it,” Remus said. He didn’t want to talk about it unless it was absolutely necessary, but he supposed this was one of those moments. At home, he lied to help his parents cope with the stress of it all. He tried not to make it seem as bad as it was, but he was sure his parents saw right through it too.

“That’s to be expected. It’s a good sign, believe it or not,” McGongall said.

“Because I’m not embracing the monster I’ve become?” Remus asked. Her gaze dropped for a moment. A soft sigh escaped her lips.

“You’re not a monster, Remus. No one who gets bit is, unless they choose to become one,” she said. “You mustn’t let the prejudices get to you.”

“It’s hard not to, Professor. I grew up with a father who spent most of my living life vocally despising the very creature I’ve become.”

“Your father was advocating for the safety of the wizarding community as a whole. There was no way he could’ve known that this would happen ten years ago. He cares about you, I hope you know that,” McGonagall said. Remus held back the urge to roll his eyes.

“The very first thing he did when I got home from St Mungos was write to Professor Dumbledore to withdraw me from Hogwarts. When we were at the train station, I almost missed the train because we were arguing about whether or not I should arrive with the other students. He spent all of August reminding me not to let anyone know what happened, and he doesn’t pay attention when I try to tell him how

isolated

he makes me feel. His instinct was, and still is, to hide me from the world now,” Remus said. “He may care, but not in the way he used to.”

“But we’re not here to discuss my father’s disdain for me. What exactly is going to happen on Friday?” Remus was anxious for the change of subject, even if McGonagall seemed to think that this conversation wasn’t over.

“If you insist.”

“I do.”

Remus' stomach growled. He hoped this wasn’t going to take too much longer.

“Friday evening, after dinner, you are to meet Madame Pomfrey at the infirmary. From there, she’ll walk you and myself to the Whomping Willow, where there’s a passage hidden underneath that leads to a safe house just outside of Hogsmead. There we’ll be able to secure you safely until sunrise. We’ll lock you in, so there will be no chance of you getting out and harming others.”

“We’ll take it on a month by month basis, however, for the most part Madame Pomfrey will take you back to the infirmary and make sure all your scrapes and bruises are in order,” McGonagall explained.

Remus sat up a little bit straighter. When he realized she had only paused for him to respond, he nodded.

“Right, of course,” Remus said. The Whomping Willow was planted for

him

? Did they really think he was that dangerous that they had to add another extra step of getting to him?

Well, of course. Why wouldn’t they? They had every reason to believe he was a dangerous creature. He was. He had no control over it.

“I understand you had a private nurse taking after you while at home?” McGonagall asked. Remus hesitated.

“No, well- yes. Yes, someone came by. He made sure I wasn’t going to bleed out or anything,” Remus said. “I er- I’ve been using glamours to hide the worst of the scars.”

“I know.”

“You know?” Remus echoed.

“Well, yes, Mr Lupin. You are very skilled, however, to the trained eye, it’s easy to notice how unnaturally smooth your skin is,” McGonagall said.

Remus reached up and touched his nose, absently tracing down the scars path. Across the bridge, down his cheek, scraping past his jaw… And that was the only one that was

visible

. He could feel his hand tremble before it dropped back down into his lap, resisting the urge to roll up his sleeve and compare the feeling with one of his unhidden scars.

“Luckily for you, most of your peers do not have the trained eye,” she added.

“I’ll get better at it,” Remus said.

“I’m sure you will. You’ve always been quick to catch onto spells, especially the ones we

don’t

cover in class.” There was a small ghost of a smile on her lips as she sipped her tea. Remus dropped his gaze, heat rising up to his cheeks.

“However, you don’t have to hide it. I understand wanting to avoid questions, but if you continue to keep up this ruse, you’ll have to think of an excuse worthy of wanting to cover up the evidence,” McGonagall pointed out.

“Is being ashamed not enough of an excuse?” Remus asked. “Wanting to appear normal?”

“But why would a simple scar make you abnormal?”

“Scars make people talk, no matter what. It won’t be good things.”

McGonagall grimaced, and Remus sat up a little bit straighter. He wasn’t going to back down from this one. He just wanted some sense of

normalcy

. Was that too much to ask? And so what if he had to use a spell to make it happen.

He hated that scar. He hated every single one of them. Even with the accelerated healing potions and creams, the first ones from July still felt fresh.

The bite was easily concealed, at least. As long as he kept his shirt on, no one would ever see it. He didn’t care how much he mangled his own skin,

that one

would always be the worst.

“Well, if you find you need to speak to someone about the situation, you have myself, Madame Pomfrey and Professor Dumbledore. You don’t need to just come to us for advice, either. If you need an ear, you’ve got one here,” she said. Remus looked up from his tea, only having tuned in to what she was saying halfway through.

He brought his tea to his lips and finished off the drink, before he carefully set it down on its saucer.

“May I go now, Professor?”

Silence.

“Yes, you may, Mr Lupin. I’ll see you tomorrow in class.”

Remus returned to the common room shortly after, and made his way upstairs to his room. Inside, the other three were just starting to get ready for the day. The door to the bathroom was shut, James was getting dressed, while Sirius sat on his bed, staring down at…

“What did you do to already end up in McGonagall’s office, and why didn’t you include us?” Sirius asked. Remus froze, wide eyed in the doorframe. That damn Marauder's Map. He hadn’t even thought about it.

“I wanted to talk to her about potentially taking an extra class,” Remus lied.

“Another one?! Merlin, Remus, you’re going to burn yourself right out with that!” Sirius objected. Remus shook his head.

“She said no anyways. Couldn’t fit it into my schedule.”

He walked over and took the map from Sirius.

“I thought we agreed

not

to use this to spy on each other?” Remus asked. He closed the map, before he tucked it away underneath his own mattress. Sirius frowned.

“I was watching that.”

“Watch me instead then,” Remus replied.

“Happily.” Sirius grinned, leaning in with his chin in his hands. James scrunched up his nose, before he tossed a pillow across the room at his face.

The first couple days back were fine. After his meeting with McGonagall, Tuesday was unproductive, most of it was used to catch up with friends. Not just the Marauders (because there were only so many times he could dodge the same question about what

exactly

happened over the summer), but some other fifth years as well.

Lily was happy to talk about her summer, as mundane as it had been. Remus was happy to listen. She either didn’t think to ask Remus about his summer (unlikely), or she could tell that Remus didn’t want to talk about his own (far more likely), because she never asked him a single question about his own after his initial response to

how was your summer?

had been

fine.

That evening, Remus found himself in the library, catching up on some of the summer reading. While he got through a little bit of it towards the end of August, the melancholy that plagued his summer gave him very little motivation to actually do any of it. There were a few notes scribbled on a scroll carefully tucked into his History of Magic book, but other than that, for the first time in his life, Remus was completely unprepared for the start of term.

So that became part of his new routine. His friends wouldn’t stop bugging him about his summer and his reluctance to talk, so he spent as little time as he could with them.

Remus thought that telling Sirius about his grandparent’s death would be enough to ward off all the questions, but it wasn’t. It wasn’t anything personal, really, he just had to wait until he was no longer the center of everyone’s attention. He wasn’t entirely sure if avoiding everyone was helping or hindering that, but he wasn’t about to draw

more

attention to himself to figure it out.

So he’d stay with them for breakfast, and then ignore them entirely during class, which he should’ve been doing anyways, before he disappeared into the depths of the library to catch up on the work he neglected.

Friday crept up on him like a timebomb malfunctioning. On Monday, it felt like it couldn’t come soon enough. He was itching to get this stupid moon over with so he could ignore its presence for the next month.

But then Monday became Tuesday, and then he blinked and it was Thursday and now here he was, Friday morning, as threatening as ever.

He helped himself to a third plate at breakfast, scarfing down food so fast that he didn’t have time to reply to anything his friends said. Not that it mattered, because it was almost impossible to focus on their conversation.

Remus was anxious to get out of the great hall. The echo chamber of chatter was like a harsh wave, crashing into him over and over again. He tuned into one thing that Sirius said, but then a phrase would stick out from someone’s conversation over at the Ravenclaw table, which would bleed back into the general wash of chatter.

Despite eating the most, Remus was the first one to stand from the table. The other three took this as a cue to get up as well, which made Remus’s stomach churn with… excitement? He wasn’t sure what it was about his friends following

his

lead that got him excited, but he couldn’t bring himself to complain. So many years he spent following James or Sirius’ lead, he could be excited by one simple gesture, couldn’t he?

“Oi! Lupin, slow down a bit, would you? It’s not like we’re going to be late for Charms,” Sirius said. Remus glanced behind him, before he forced himself to slow down his pace by a few steps. James and Sirius were struggling to catch up, and Peter was even further behind them, still struggling to stack his books in his arms in a way that was easy to carry.

“Sorry, mate. I’m not walking any faster than normal,” Remus said. Sirius let out a laugh.

“I don’t know where you got that idea from. You’re going almost twice as fast,” he replied.

Remus shrugged, but forced himself to walk at the same pace as his friends. They weren’t slow by any means, but Remus had to fight his impulses to walk beside them. They still passed first years with energized purpose, but Remus was dying. He just wanted to run, but then again, maybe this painful pace was saving him from having to sit down at a desk longer than necessary.

It was annoying. He barely slept last night and yet it felt as if someone had slipped an energy tonic into his juice. He knew why,

of course

he knew why, but he refused to acknowledge it.

If he thought walking was an issue, classes were a whole other situation.

He could barely sit still in Charms. His leg shook under the desk as he scribbled idly on the corner of his parchment. He already went over the reading assigned for today’s class on his own, and he had no questions or concerns. It was easy enough material, but it was like nails on a chalkboard hearing the professor drone on and

on.

Runes was no better, and then Transfigurations was its own kind of hell.

Remus hadn’t actually spoken to McGonagall one on one since their meeting Tuesday morning. She called on him a couple times to answer questions in class, and scolded the Marauders for trying to hide dungbombs down the hallway, but it had been so minor that they didn’t even get detention. Just a few points off from each of them, and the confiscation of the remainder of the bombs she could find.

Unlike Charms, Remus actually had no idea what they were talking about in class. He skimmed the chapter on vanishing spells, but now it was almost time for lunch, and Remus’ stomach was already growling.

He chewed on the end of his quill absently as he stared down at the textbook. The words blurred together, mixing with McGonagall’s lecture. Everything was going on, but nothing was processed.

Could scars be vanished using a spell? Certainly if they could, more people would do it. Some scars could be cool. If he had an exciting story about fighting a werewolf and actually beating them, maybe he’d look at it a bit more fondly. Or if he got hit by a car trying to protect some muggle babies from getting stolen by Deatheaters at the park. Something outlandish like that.

But

no

. He had to give it to himself the first full moon after the bite. He didn’t even know what the wolf’s thought process had been. Did it just want to attack him? Was it its way of crawling out of Remus’s skin, a poor attempt at peeling back the flesh to reveal the thick fur and harsh snout underneath?

He’d probably get a new one tonight. It was almost inevitable. He wondered what it could be this time. His arm? His legs? He hoped it wasn’t his torso. He could still feel the pull of the scar on his stomach from last month, though the scab was long gone. It had been a deep one, but it was mostly faded away now. Somehow, it wasn’t nearly as bad as his face. He chose not to question it.

“Mr Lupin?”

Remus sat up straight, and stared at Professor McGonagall with a blank stare.

Shit

. What were they talking about?

The vanishing spell.

What was she asking?

She was just staring at him expectedly, and a quick glance around the room showed that everyone was watching him now.

“Oh! Uh-

Evanesco

!” In his panic, he lifted his wand and attempted to mimic the way McGonagall had shown them at the start of class, but he didn’t aim it at the same vase she had.

The spell shot out of his want, straight ahead, and the chalkboard shattered into pieces.. A shriek came from someone in the front row, and two students jumped out of the way.

After the initial shock settled down, and Remus had sunk a third of the way down into his seat, Professor McGonagall waved her wand and repaired the board, everything but the writing coming back together. The words were jumbled, most of the chalks scribbles either misplaced or missing altogether.

“Thank you, Mr Lupin, for showing us exactly what

not

to do. However, I had asked you to define the spell,

not

attempt to perform it. Perhaps you would have known that if you were paying attention,” she said.

“Sorry Professor,” Remus said.

“See me after class, Mr Lupin. Now…”

Remus looked over to his right, where Sirius was grinning at him. He furrowed his eyebrows in a mock

what?

to which Sirius just winked, and then turned his attention to the front of the class. He’d have to ask Sirius what that was about later.

Unless he simply thought that Remus had done it intentionally. If that was the case, there really wasn’t any need to ask him anything.

He tried to pay attention to the rest of the class, writing half hearted notes that would make no sense later. He put his wand away entirely, hiding it in his bag underneath his discarded jumper.

At the end of class, Remus packed up his things slowly to give his classmates time to disperse.

“We’ll wait for you outside,” James said, giving him a small pat on the back. Remus just gave a nod. It really wasn’t that big of a deal. It had been an accident… right?

So why was the closing of the classroom’s door so menacing?

“You can relax, Mr Lupin. I’m not going to give you detention.”

Somehow, that made things worse.

“You can tell your friends that you have one tonight though, if you haven’t thought of an excuse already,” she suggested. “I actually wanted to ask you how you’re feeling. I know tonight is a big night.”

Remus snorted.

A

big night

. That sounded like bullocks.

“I am being serious, Mr Lupin. Your friends will ask questions, and it is very important you don’t tell anyone who does not need to know about your situation,” McGonagall scolded, which shut him up.

“Sorry, Professor,” Remus said, his tone shifting entirely. “I- I appreciate it. I will need an excuse.”

“Now, how are you?”

“Hungry,” Remus said. When he could tell she wasn’t satisfied with that answer, he continued. “And nervous. I’ve never transformed anywhere but my family’s cellar.”

“I can assure you that the shack we have prepared for you will work just as well, perhaps better… And come sunrise, Madame Pomfrey will be there to take you back to the hospital wing to help you recover. I understand your father

did

have someone coming in for you, correct?”

“Yes, a friend of his from St Mungo’s, he’d been sworn to secrecy before they came to an agreement,” Remus explained.

“I see. That may have been a touch extreme, but I can see where he was coming from. Your father has done quite a lot for you over the past months.”

Remus let out a huff of air. He wasn’t about to go down this rabbit hole

again

with Professor McGonagall. He could tell when someone was waving bait right in front of his nose, and his scent had just recently gotten a hell of a lot better.

“Is that everything then, Professor?” Remus asked. McGonagall hesitated, before she gave a short nod.

“I will see you tonight, Mr Lupin. Enjoy your afternoon.”

Remus went down for dinner early with his friends. He originally intended to go

alone

, however all it took was a quick farewell in the common room for Sirius to jump up and declare he would be joining him. That meant James agreed that they’d done enough work for the afternoon, and Peter followed because he didn’t want to be left to eat alone.

Remus didn’t hesitate to load up his plate with a double serving of roast beef, mashed potatoes and fresh bread, smothering it all in an overwhelming layer of gravy. When Sirius glanced over at him, he just offered a weak smile.

Halfway through the meal, an owl came sweeping through the great hall. Remus recognized it instantly, and reached out to grab the letter before it fell into his food. He dropped his gaze as blood rushed to his cheeks.

“Blimey, Lupin, that’s the second one today!” James said. Remus tensed his jaw, his embarrassment quickly being overtaken by annoyance.

“Well, considering the fact that I wrote back to my father

after

breakfast, it’s not entirely unreasonable,” Remus said. He tucked the letter in his robe’s pocket. He knew what would be inside the letter, it would be stupid to read it beside his friends.

“I’m just saying! Your parents have been writing more to you this week than they did all last year!” James pushed. Remus looked up, a sharp glare directed at James.

“Well this is a new year,” he replied.

“What changed?”

“None of your

business

, that’s what,” Remus snapped.

“Oh come off it, I’m just saying! There’s no need to get snippy with me,” James said. Remus huffed loudly, before he slammed his cutlery down and stood up.

“

Remus-

”

“Just shut up, Potter,” he snapped. Remus stormed off, leaving his half eaten meal at the table. He wasn’t close to being done eating, and he didn’t want to miss the pudding, but there was no way he wanted to continue

that

conversation.

It wasn’t until he got back to his dorm room that Remus recognized how ridiculous he had been. James hadn’t meant anything by his comments, he was just making a simple observation. Remus was the issue.

He could already feel the prickling sensation under his skin. The wolf was getting restless, ready for its fun for the night. Perhaps it could sense how free it was, because excitement bubbled in the pit of his stomach despite all the nerves and negative emotions swimming in his head.

Remus sighed as he sat down on his bed and carefully unfolded the letter.

Remus,

It is not too late to change your mind about tonight. I’ve already spoken to Dumbledore, and if you prefer to spend your transformation at home, you have permission to use Professor McGonagall’s fireplace. We will have the necessary aftercare standing by for you, as always. I understand your hesitancy, but it won’t be as troublesome as you think it might. We support whatever decision you make, of course.

Lyall Lupin

Remus erased the ink on the parchment, before he ripped the letter up and tossed it into the bin. Then, for good measure, he set the paper alight and extinguished the flame once it was nothing but ash. He didn’t want to leave any reference to his new condition anywhere around the dorm for any of the Mauraders to find in his absence.

That, and Remus already assured his father every day this week that he was fine at Hogwarts, and that he trusted his Professors.

So maybe the destruction of the letter was fueled just a touch by spite as well.

After careful consideration, Remus decided to make his way to the infirmary early, before anyone returned from dinner. He left a note on James’ bed to apologize, because he knew he wouldn’t be able to bring himself to do it in person.

He was shaking as he sat on one of the infirmary beds, waiting for the time to leave. Bile crept up his throat, and he was freezing cold.

His mind was elsewhere when Madame Pomfrey emerged from her office to bring him down to the shack. As they were leaving, McGonagall appeared on the other side of the infirmary doors, and joined them.

His mind never fully came back to him as they walked through the halls, out to the whomping willow and then through the dingy tunnel that led to the abandoned shack.

He barely took in the scenery. All the furniture that had been left behind was rotting away, with a thick layer of dust covering the entire room. Remus took a breath, and coughed as the pungent odor of mildew and mold filled his lungs. The only thing that looked new were the thick boards of wood that covered any of the exterior windows.

Fitting.

“We might have to experiment with a few things over the next couple moons, but I’ve been reading up on your condition. I’m hoping to find some things that might help you,” Madame Pomfrey explained.

Remus moved to sit down on the edge of the bed. The mattress barely sunk against his weight.

“Okay.”

“I’d like you to take this before you feel the transformation begin. It’s a very strong sleeping potion. It might cause you to be less active,” she continued, handing Remus the bottle. He nodded.

Remus rolled the potion bottle carefully between his hands. He hated sleeping draughts. Usually they were reserved for when Remus got migraines, when the pain festered on throughout the night. In some way, he supposed this transformation was going to be just that, only ten times worse.

“Good luck, Remus. I’ll see you at sunrise.”

And with that, Remus was left alone.

It wasn’t long before the tug began at his chest. He quickly downed the potion, before he tossed the bottle to the side. Distantly, he heard the glass shatter.

The effects of the sleeping draught were competing with the rage that filled his body. His eyes felt heavy, but he could feel his bones begin to crack, a new wave of adrenaline rushing through his blood.

Remus let out a cry as he fell to his knees, desperately clawing at his undershirt that he stupidly kept on. His fingernails gave way to sharp, dark claws that continued to claw the fabric away.

Every atom of his body was electric, buzzing as thick, coarse hair sprouted from his arms as his face pushed and pulled into something unfamiliar.

He let out another yowl, and Remus was no more.

----- CHAPTER BREAK -----

Remus jolted awake as a cold hand pressed itself against his forehead. He gasped, reaching blindly as his gaze peppered back into focus.

“Shh, shh Remus, lay back down,” the soft voice said.

“No- no I- I need-”

“You need to lay down.”

Carefully, the hands guided him back down onto the wooden floor. Remus stared at the ceiling as the warm glow from a spell spread over him.

“I need help! Make it stop!” he whimpered, his voice hoarse, barely coming up above a whisper. “Please I-”

“I know, dear. I am helping,” she said calmly.

“It

hurts

, please-”

“Shh, I just need to stabilize you, Remus, then we can get you cleaned up.”

“I c-can’t

breathe

. Please, make it stop! I can’t-

feel- my hands

, I… I need… I…”

Distantly, he could hear the voice casting another spell, and Remus’ eyes fell shut, his pleas a ghost on his lips.

When Remus awoke next, the pain was reduced to a dull pulse, and he could actually see properly. The stale, coppery smell of the shack was replaced with the refreshingly sterile scent of the infirmary. He didn’t make a move to sit up, instead stared at the rafters of the high ceiling.

He took a deep breath, which proved to be a bad idea as tightly woven bandages constricted and pinched his sides. He let out a small moan of pain, and closed his eyes tight.

“Good morning, Remus,” Madam Pomfrey’s soft voice came through as she opened the curtain around his bed. On the tray, she set down a glass of water and two potions.

“Mornin’,” he muttered.

“Try not to talk, dear. I’m afraid you hurt your vocal chords last night,” she said. “I already gave you a tonic to soothe it, but you’ll have to let it repair itself on its own…”

Remus opened his mouth, but instead shut it and gave a small nod.

“I’ll have breakfast brought to you soon, but for now I’d like you to try and rest some more. I’m afraid you had a rather… destructive night. I’m sure it had to do with the fact that you were in new surroundings. It was probably quite disorienting for you when you didn’t recognize anything.”

Remus hated that she referred to

it

as

him

. He knew he was the wolf, that they were one in the same now, but Remus never remembered anything. Nothing he did was of his own accord. In every single way, shape, and form, the wolf was an entirely different creature to Remus. He hated entertaining the idea that he could

possibly

be that monster that came out last night.

He couldn’t accept it.

“I do- same… at home,” he admitted. The cellar wasn’t that much better. The only difference was that there was no furniture down there, and his father used an enchantment to soften the walls around him. The lack of the silver door was nice though.

“That’s what your father said,” she replied. She reached for the water and handed it to him. Slowly, Remus sat himself up and sipped the glass. “I’ll make you some tea with honey, that might help your throat.”

“For now though, try to rest. Take this potion if you need to sleep, and this one if the pain gets to be too much. I’ve already given you some, but just in case. We’ll see how you feel in the afternoon. Perhaps you’ll be able to rejoin your friends for dinner.”

Remus nodded. He sipped at his water again, before he set the glass down and settled back against the stiff mattress.

He closed his eyes, but despite his lack of energy, he wasn’t tired. Instead, he listened as Madame Pomfrey went about the room, before she disappeared into her office.

He lasted a few minutes, before he sat up again and reached for the pain relief. He could imagine what he looked like under his shirt, but it was his

head

that was giving him grief. He could feel the pounding behind his eyes.

He set the half empty bottle down on the side table and laid back down, letting his eyes drift shut. He only had a few minutes of comforting silence before there was a loud knock on the infirmary door.

Begrudgingly, he sat up again.

Remus tried to peer through the curtains as Madame Pomfrey crossed the room. The knocking persisted until she opened the door, and even then it took a fraction of a second to stop. If someone was in that urgent need of medical attention, wouldn’t they just come right in?

“What are you three doing here?”

“We’ve come to see Remus.”

Unless you were three spying twats with an all knowing map.

“He’s resting right now. You’ll be able to see him later,” Madame Pomfrey said, which was met with a chorus of three different protests. Remus smiled softly at his friend's eagerness, before he remembered

why

he was in the infirmary.

He sunk deeper in the mattress. That sleeping draught was tempting now. He needed time to think of a convincing lie. He had all summer to think of a convincing lie, and he had yet to perfect it.

“They can come in,” Remus said, raising his voice just about as loud as he could, which was only a step above his normal volume.

“Fine! Five minutes, but no more, and if I suspect any misbehaving, you will all be escorted out,” she warned.

Remus closed his eyes. Why had he done that?

“Remus! We were worried about you!” Peter exclaimed. Remus flinched at the volume of his voice. Sirius jabbed the other boy in the side, which Remus caught out of the corner of his eye. James came around to the other side of the bed, and Sirius sat down on the edge by his feet.

“What happened, mate?” James asked.

“We were waiting for you all night,” Sirius said.

“Black was, anyways,” James countered.

“We thought something happened!” Peter added.

“’m fine,” Remus said, but his voice gave it away. He grabbed his tea, still warm in the enchanted teacup.

“What happened?” Sirius repeated.

“Just got a migraine last night,” Remus dismissed. A good enough lie. “Vomitin’ and everything. Pomfrey wanted to keep me overnight just in case.” That covered the raw voice too. Maybe he didn’t have anything to worry about after all.

“Your face!” Peter said, his voice still no lower than it had been before.

Remus paled. He reached up and touched the side of his face, and then his nose. The pad of his fingers dipped underneath the indent of his scar.

“I’m fine,” he said.

“When did that happen?” James asked. Remus looked between the three of them, his bottom lip quivered. What was he supposed to do? He lasted a

week

before he got caught with it!

“Over the summer,” Remus said shortly. He reached for his wand, but it was too late now. Still, he glanced at his friends before he cast the glamour on his face. The three of them watched him, eyes unmoving.

“Don’t look at me like that.”

“Why are you hiding it?” Peter asked.

Remus shrugged. He had so many reasons. He was ashamed of it. It was another hint as to what he was. He didn’t want to be stared at in the halls. He didn’t want people to make a whole event of it. He wanted to avoid questions.

He used his voice as an excuse to not reply, and brought his tea back up to his lips.

“

What

happened?” James pushed.

“Can we talk… later?”

Remus wasn’t going to talk about it later, if he had anything to say about it. Which he did, because no one would get it out of him. Later, he could change subjects over and over again, they weren’t getting any stories.

Remus wasn’t above lying, but he wanted to keep the lies to a minimum, and only what was necessary… and he didn’t want to make them while his mind wasn’t entirely straight.

“Sure, sure we can,” Sirius said. “How long is she trapping you here?”

“Dunno. Till lunch, at least,” Remus said. “Can I rest?”

The three marauders glanced between each other, and Remus waited for a reply. James nodded, and he and Peter made a move to leave his bedside. Sirius stayed for a moment, watching over his shoulder as the two retreated.

“I’ll meet you outside,” Sirius said. Remus dropped his gaze. He picked absently at his fingernails. There was still blood dried underneath them, lining each fingernail with a thick, brownish red line. Subtly, he moved his hands underneath his blanket.

The two sat in silence until the door clicked across the room.

“Are you okay?” Sirius asked, turning back to face Remus.

“I’m okay,” Remus replied. “

Really.

Just had a rough night.”

Sirius nodded. “You know you can talk to me though, if you have to, right?”

“I know,” Remus said. Sirius hesitated, before he nodded again.

“I’ll see you later, Lupe,” he said softly.

Remus settled back into his bed once Sirius was gone, only for Madame Pomfrey to come around the corner again. He reached for the sleeping draught. At this rate, it was the only way he was going to be able to get some sleep.

“Did you tell your friends where you’d be this morning?” She asked. Her tone was soft, but Remus could sense the annoyance. Or maybe anger?

“No,” he said. He swirled the potion idly, before he uncorked it.

“It’s important you

rest

after the moon, Remus. I don’t want this becoming a habit,” she said.

“I didn’t tell them!” Remus said. “They must have just…”

looked at the map

. “Assumed. Process of elimination and all that.”

“Of course. Now, drink up and try to sleep. I’ll check on you in a few hours.”

Remus wasn’t cleared until dinnertime, and even then, he still wasn’t doing very well. The pain hadn’t subsided at all, in fact, now that he was up and walking, it was almost worse. Madame Pomfrey sent him with another bottle of the healing draught, but he didn’t want to waste it all today.

At least he looked okay once his clothes were on and his scar concealed again. All of the damage was underneath his jumper, and that was easy enough to hide.

Remus managed to make it all the way up to his dorm room, and then back down to the great hall where he found his friends. The three of them were already sitting at their usual place at the Gryffindor table, his seat had been kept free.

“Feeling better, Lupin? James prompted as Remus sat down across from him. He gave a weak smile.

“Still not great, but getting there,” he replied. His voice had mostly come back now.

“That bad of a migraine? What the hell brought that on?” he asked.

“McGonagall had me polishing trophies with this really strong muggle cleaner. After the first hour, it got overwhelming,”
Remus explained. He had lots of time to just stare at the wall and get his story straight this time. He thought of almost every question they could ask.

Which, maybe was a bit excessive, because none of them pushed the matter further.

“Well, it’s good to have you back. Don’t make a habit outta getting detention. I don’t think Sirius can handle not having you around all day,” James teased, before flinching. Remus was almost certain Sirius kicked him under the table.

He watched with a soft smile. At least his friends weren’t acting any differently.

He didn’t have much of an appetite, but he could tell his body was starving. It was hard to stomach the idea of so much rich food right after the moon, so he ate slowly, being careful to select foods he hoped wouldn’t unsettle his stomach too much.

His friends fell into easy conversation, and Remus was content to just observe. He was ready to curl back up into his bed and sleep until morning again. He could leave Sunday for all of his coursework, there was no point in trying to get through any of it tonight while his mind was still somewhere else.

After dinner, Lily, Marlene and Mary were the first to leave the table. Remus only smiled as James scrambled off of the bench in pursuit of them, sputtering out something about

important prefect questions to ask

. Sirius shared a glance with Remus.

“You should’ve heard him last night, Lupe. Being a prefect is going to help him make this be

the year

,” Sirius said.

“He’s been saying that since year three,” Remus dismissed.

Sirius, Remus and Peter all left in a much more graceful manner, taking their time to follow the flow of retreating students.

As they passed through the portrait, Sirius grabbed the cuff of Remus’ jumper, and tugged him to the side of the entrance. Ahead of them, Peter rejoined James at one of the couches, who was sulking alone with homework.

Bad rejection

, Remus thought idly. If it wasn’t for the furrow in Sirius’ brow, he would’ve joked about it outloud.

“Hey Remus? Where were you polishing trophies?” he asked.

Remus blinked. That hadn’t been what he expected him to say. If anything, he thought Sirius was going to make sure he was okay

again

. Or maybe a proposition to jinx James together. Anything but a serious tone shift.

“In the trophy room, obviously,” Remus replied. He crossed his arms over his chest and leaned against the wall behind him. It came off as casual, but in reality he was desperate to get weight off of his right leg.

“Right… but… Last night, you weren’t on the map,” Sirius said. “Anywhere.”

Remus paused. His eyes widened, just for a split second before he scoffed.

“Spying on me now?” Remus asked. Sirius rolled his eyes.

“Obviously

not

- I mean, maybe a bit, but it was only because you seemed so freaked out about detention before you left. I thought McGonagall was going to take you to the forbidden forest or something!” Sirius said. Remus shook his head.

“No, I was in the trophy room,” he repeated.

“When did you go to the infirmary?” Sirius asked. Remus bit back the urge to roll his eyes. Merlin, who was Sirius? His mother? Watching his every step, dancing around the shattered glass that was

Remus Lupin

.

“I dunno. After my detention,” Remus said.

“You didn’t show up on the map until some time after five,” Sirius said.

Remus took a deep breath. How was he supposed to avoid talking about these things when he had Sirius

already

breathing down his neck about it? He should’ve counted on the fact that someone would catch on eventually, he just didn’t think it would be the night after the first moon of the school year.

But he hadn’t, had he? Sirius’ tone was swimming with concern, his face contorted in an expression that said

I thought you were being sent to the beasts last night

and not

I know you were the beast last night.

“Okay, listen… You can’t tell the others, alright?” Remus said. He stood up a little bit straighter, and tugged Sirius close. He was a head taller than Sirius, so he hunched down just a bit. Sirius looked up at him, his eyes glittering in the dull light of the shadows.

“Okay…”

“I’ve been working on a concealment charm, just in case… It should hide us from the map,” he explained.

Sirius scoffed.

“That defeats the purpose of the map!”

“Right, I know that.” Remus swallowed. “I just- I figured… Remember last year when Peter left it open in the library? And we found it with three second years? I figured… for situations like that, it might be nice if we can’t be tracked down. I cast it before I left for detention… it must have worn off by morning. I have to figure out a way for it to stay.”

Sirius considered the explanation for a moment, before he gave a short nod. His features softened, and Remus let out a soft sigh.

“That’s… actually genius,” Sirius said.

“Isn’t it? And you know, if James is successful in landing his girlfriend… he’ll want to be able to sneak off with her,” Remus joked. Sirius' gaze dropped, a grin on his face.

“Something tells me he’s not the one who will need it most,” he said. Remus flushed.

“Well it definitely won’t be

me

, if that’s what you’re getting at,” Remus said.

“But it could be.” Sirius’ smile softened, before he took Remus by his jumper and dragged him out from the small alcove. There was a moment where he wondered, briefly, what it would be like to drag him back to the alcove and finish that scene from the end of last term.

That line had been drawn though, several times over. It was a storyline that wouldn’t play out anymore, and that was fine. Remus could accept that.

Especially when everything was so normal.

“Did you get all your perfect prefect answers?” Sirius teased as he sat down beside James.

“Oh hush. I

did

have questions about the prefects- I missed the first meeting on Thursday,” James said.

“I thought the first meeting was on the train?” Peter asked.

“That one doesn’t count,

obviously

.”

Remus carefully lowered himself into an armchair nearby as James began shuffling a deck of exploding snaps. He smiled as he watched his friends settle into a game, leaning forward to take his own hand off of the table. His eyes were beginning to droop, but he could play a round or two first.

Yeah. Everything was normal. Maybe it could stay that way.

Recovery at home was vastly different from recovering at Hogwarts.

At home, he had been instructed to stay in bed for at least three days after the full moon. He was brought everything he could need- potions and salves to help the pain and to accelerate healing, meals, water and tea- and he spent the days floating between resting and staring off into space. He knew now that he had been spoiled over the summer.

At Hogwarts, nothing was going to stop for him.

Sunday was spent nursing his aching muscles while writing his essay on vanishing spells, switching to reviewing the steps for brewing the draught of peace when his hand started cramping from holding his quill.

He stayed in the common room until lunch. After that, he retreated to the library. There was nothing all that distracting in the common room, it was just for a change of scenery. Once he was settled at his usual table, he continued to study until late in the evening.

He was still in pain Monday morning, but didnt let it show. He stopped by the infirmary once or twice throughout the week for Madame Pomfrey to check on his bandages, and to get a refill of the sleeping draught that she had given him.

Gradually, he recovered, and while he could feel the pull of the fresh scars on his torso, his bones weren’t on fire anymore, and that was good enough for him.

The library was quickly becoming the place he spent the most of his free time. Between classes, avoiding his friends, and actually trying to figure out a concealment charm for the map, it was the most convenient place to be. It was quiet, and no one was willing to risk the wrath of Madame Pinch to bug him.

So that’s where he found himself on a warm Wednesday evening. The sun was probably just starting to go down over the horizon, but Remus didn’t know for sure. His friends were still down by the lake, their markers on the map all lying in a row, probably soaking up the fading rays of the sun.

When Remus began packing up his things after dinner to the library, Sirius was quick to protest.

“Oh, come on, Remus. There’s no way you

still

have homework to do! I know for a fact you already turned in your charms essay and the questions for potions. Come join us,” he said.

“That doesn’t mean I still don’t have a lot to do. I’m trying to stay on top of it all, I have no interest in watching you two toss a quaffle around all evening,” he replied. Sirius pouted, his arms crossed dramatically over his chest.

“Have you even left the castle since we got here? You’re looking rather anemic,” Sirius said. He reached over and took Remus’ jaw in his hand, tilting his face back and forth as he pretended to examine his appearance. The glamour on his face faded in the shower, and Remus tried to ignore the sickening feeling in his gut as he pictured how that thick, jagged, white line might catch the light in their vibrant dorm room.

“Oi! Fuck off, I get plenty of sunlight, thank you very much,” Remus said as he smacked Sirius’ hand away.

“You should come get

more

though,” Sirius said. “Come on! Please? I promise it won’t all be quidditch games.”

“I’ll see you tonight,” Remus said. Sirius huffed.

“You’re such a swot, you know that?”

“And you’re going to want to copy my astronomy homework tomorrow, so consider this me doing you a favour.”

A part of him wondered if he would have enjoyed himself more out on the grass. Sure, his friends would have been a hindrance to his studying, but it was probably nice to take in one of the last warm evenings they’d likely get before the weather began to turn cold.

He would’ve only gotten a fraction of the work done that he had managed to do here in the library, but none of it had been urgent. He had already done his homework for the week, and had started on things that weren’t due until the end of next week, so what was the rush?

The library just pulled him in. It was so much easier to pretend everything was okay when he was alone, focused on his work instead of his own thoughts. He thought of Sirius’ pout of disappointment, of Peter’s excitement of getting to practice some quidditch drills with James, and of James comments about Remus disappearing all the time. Was it really a big deal? Was it starting to get concerning?

It was starting to feel like he was purposely avoiding his friends, but he didn’t entirely remember

why

. No one asked him questions that he didn’t want to answer anymore. No one made him uncomfortable. No one did

anything

that would’ve made Remus change his mind about the fact that he wanted to continue his life as normal, so why had he?

Remus glanced at the clock. He still had time to join his friends before the sun set fully. If he packed up now…

He contemplated it for a moment, before he decided that Charms could wait. He tidied up his parchment, and began to methodically pack everything away in his bag.

As he reached for his books, his Charms textbook went flying off of the table, and skittered underneath another vacant table. Remus looked around, eyes furrowed in confusion before he crawled under the table to grab his textbook. He looked over the book for damages, before he turned around and moved to put his textbook in his bag.

On the table now laid a small, leather bound book without a title or author engraved on the front. There wasn’t even a piece of art carved into it. He furrowed his eyebrows and looked around, but the only other people in his sight were two second year Ravenclaws, tucked away in their own corner, minding their own business.

Hesitantly, Remus picked up the book and flipped it over in his hand. It wasn’t in great condition. The leather desperately needed to be conditioned, the pages yellowed and the spine was cracked in several spots.. He was careful as he opened it up to the front page. It was a journal, but the first page was treated like the opening page of a novel. The title was written by hand, in neat, looping letters:

Personal accounts of dealing with Lycoprathy

.

The author was scribbled out with a smear of ink. At the bottom of the page, in pristine, loopy calligraphy, it simply said

I’m sorry. I hope this helps

.

Remus froze, eyes looping over the title of the book over and over again.

He looked around the library once more. Who put this here? Who

knew?

Remus’ blood ran cold, sinking down into his stomach and then further down to his toes.

Suddenly, going outside seemed just as suffocating as staying in the library. Someone was watching him, but who? Who managed to get this book onto his table without him noticing? They only had a couple seconds while Remus retrieved his textbook from the ground.

He grabbed the last of his things, and almost ran back to his dorm room, where he could shut himself away for the rest of the night.

Someone knew.

Remus forced himself to painstakingly slow to a walk once he reached the still populated common room. He didn’t want to gather anyone’s attention.. No one glanced his way. No one glanced at the first year bolting across the room and up the stairs, either.

Someone knew.

When Remus opened the door to his dorm, Sirius was already laying down in his bed, listening to a record as he shot little firework like sparks from his wand.

“Good study session?”

“Mhm.”

Someone knew. Someone knew. Someone knew.

Remus grabbed his things and locked himself away in the bathroom, changing quickly before he crawled into his bed and shut the curtains tight. He took the book and folded it over in his hand, feeling the worn leather cover with rough fingertips.

Someone knew.

But they wanted to help.

----- CHAPTER BREAK -----

Remus spent the next week transfixed on the cover of the book, while simultaneously avoiding the contents inside.

He turned the book in his hands over and over while laying in bed, staring at the leather cover, and then that front page. There was something familiar about the handwriting. Not of the authors’, but of the note. It was refined, neat, cursive writing, but the ink was smudged, as if the person brushed their hand against it before the ink had a chance to dry.

As if they were left handed.

Regardless, it didn’t matter.

He had the book now, and he had no idea who gave it to him.

Remus still went to the library. He still sat at his usual table tucked away in the corner. There were no appearances. No more books.

Once, he considered the idea that perhaps

he

had been the one who willed the book to come to him. There were locating spells that could summon books off of the shelves. The only things that ruled it out was 1)
he hadn’t been thinking of the spell at the time, 2) Remus wasn’t thinking of his lycanthropy, and 3) it wasn’t close enough to the moon for his magic to be

that

uncontrollable that he would’ve done it without thinking.

So the book had to have been given to him by someone who knew about Remus’ situation, which as far as he was aware, was not that many people.

Dumbledore wouldn’t have mysteriously left it on a table for him. He would’ve given it to him personally, or at least, he would’ve passed it along to someone

else

to give it to him. Not to mention that he admitted he wasn’t very knowledgeable in the subject to his father, and that he had no resources to offer.

McGonagall was the same. She wouldn’t be secretive about it. She would’ve pulled him aside after class and handed it to him, probably with instructions to return it once he was done reading it. She certainly wouldn’t have apologized to him for his simple existence.

His parents would’ve just sent it by owl, and Madame Pomfrey would’ve given it to him directly.

If any of his friends found out, they would have pulled him into their dorm and staged a meeting. He loved his friends, he did, but there was no way they would’ve been able to have a normal confrontation about it. He could picture it now; him sitting on his bed while the other three stood in a semi circle. James would be in the middle. He would do most of the talking.

“Remus, we need to talk about the secret you’ve been keeping…”

Deep down, he knew that they would still accept him, that he was still Remus, which meant he was still their friend, but the idea of any of them catching on

already

made him sick to his stomach. They would never find out, which meant that none of them could’ve slipped him that book.

Which meant that anyone who could’ve possibly known were

not

plausible gift givers.

Remus flipped open to the front page again. He sat on his bed with a series of textbooks, a piece of parchment and a set of self inking quills abandoned by the foot of his bed.

Realistically, if someone wanted to do it to antagonize him, they wouldn’t have written the note. If they were to have left a note at all, it would’ve been a threat. There would be no apology, or

I hope this helps

. They wouldn’t have even wanted to try and help to begin with.

If someone knew, and they wanted to make this fact known, they would’ve made it known. They wouldn’t have left a journal on his table with a note, hoping it helped. They would’ve jinxed him, cornered him and tormented him until he confessed.

Or they would’ve attempted to expose his secret, or

maybe

they would’ve turned him into Dumbledore, who would’ve let Remus know… right?

So maybe it was okay that he read it. He wasn’t sure what he was worried about.

He opened the book, and this time, he turned past the opening page.

I was not yet twenty four when I was attacked and bit by an unknown werewolf. I sincerely doubt the creature meant to leave me alive, however my body was recovered by my wife just in time to summon our doctor. At first, everyone, myself included, assumed it had been a wild animal that inflicted my wounds while researching naturally growing plants in one of the most magic rich forests of Northern Ireland. Recovery was alarmingly quick, only having spent a fortnight in the infirmary wing of

[REDACTED]

before I was back on my feet.

It did not occur to me that something was very wrong until the next full moon when the transformation began.

For as long as I may live, I will never forget the fear that coursed through my body as the sun set that night, and the moon demanded my attention. I cried, screamed and thrashed. My poor wife watched in horror, and did the only thing she could think of: she took our son, and ran.

I cannot blame her, for I would have done the same.

Alas, this is not meant to be a lament of that dreaded night. I fear that will come later, or sooner, depending on which order you believe to be the true one; the pages which were written first, or the order I chose to bind these thoughts.

In my thirty years of lycanthropy, I have discovered much about myself and the condition, none of which the Wizarding World seems particularly interested in educating themselves about. I do not wish to change the population’s mind about people like myself, but I do wish to help my brothers and sisters. It is much harder to cope when you are alone, and know nothing about yourself.

This is not to be taken entirely as advice. For your sake, I pray you have stumbled across this accidentally, and are reading this out of curiosity. Or perhaps disgust. Or perhaps you’ve

[REDACTED]

. However, if you are an unfortunate soul like myself, I apologize.

I warn, some passages may get dark. My early adulthood was wasted away in pain and misery, and I do not shy away from expressing the darkness that clouded my life. I cannot say my melancholy was ever cured, however, my quality of life has improved. I have chosen to keep these passages in tact, as I do believe the good and the bad should exist alongside each other.

Regardless, I welcome thee to my thoughts. My experiences. My magic. I hope someday someone might find comfort in knowing you are not alone. I fear this will be destroyed upon its discovery.

Remus glanced at the clock. Dinner was just about to be served in the great hall. He bit his lower lip. He wanted to go down to eat, but the book was pulling him in now.

Slowly, he turned the page and began to read.

This was very clearly a journal. Or, it started out as a journal and had been rearranged and polished to be more of a glorified essay. There were no chapter breaks. Occasionally, entries would be dated, but usually the different subjects would be divided by a page break, or a dark strike across the page.

Sometimes there were spells, most of which Remus knew already, but some had modifications. There was one that was meant to soften and lessen the look of scars, and another that transfigured hands into soft pillows, which supposedly helped prevent harsh claws from coming out. Remus wasn’t sure about that one.

Then there were potions; a healing salve that Remus didn’t recognize from his textbooks, several modified potions that Remus recognized vaguely from skimming the advanced textbooks in the potions room. Some had names, some were titled with their function (“sense dulling potion” was particularly interesting to Remus, but seemed like something a blunt could do just the same if he was desperate enough.)

Then at the very back of the book, stitched in as an afterthought, was a four page recipe for… well. Something. There was no name attached, but just the ingredient list was enough for Remus to dismiss it.

He could barely get through his regular potions curriculum. There was no way he was going to attempt what looked like a half developed recipe, with notes and corrections all over every page in various colours of ink.

He continued to read, skimming over some passages while lingering and rereading others. Supper was a distant thought, and despite the way his stomach rumbled, he didn’t get off of his bed until the very last page.

Remus took a breath as he closed the book. Not a lot of the information stuck, but there was a lot there. Even if most of it had been recounting the author’s experience, it was still helpful. There was so much that he never would have thought of, and it was enough to tug at his curiosity to try and find out more.

Then there were the spells and... His heart sank at the idea of trying to attempt any of those potions. He’d have to cross reference with a couple books from the library, but by the sounds of it, most of the potions were homebrewed. Very few of them looked like official recipes, and the ones that did
had annotations, and ingredients or amounts scratched out and replaced.

The worst part was that some of them were

tempting

. He wanted an easier transformation, or something he could drink to help the pain. He wanted to calm his nerves and keep his magic at bay. This all sounded

wonderful

-

But where was he supposed to brew these? Some of them were so complex, Remus would probably blow up whatever room he decided to use.

There was no way he’d risk it.

Remus tucked the book underneath his pillow as the familiar footsteps and laughter of his friends floated up the stairs. He laid down on his side, back to the door. Maybe he could convince them he was just waking up from a nap?

“Lupin! Ah- shit. He’s sleeping,” James said, dropping his voice to a whisper.

“I ain’t,” Remus muttered. He rolled onto his back, and let out an exaggerated yawn. “Just resting my eyes,”

“How old

are

you? A hundred?” Peter asked. “The only people who say that are my grandparents.”

Remus pressed his palms into his eyes. He could feel the energy radiating out of the room, but he was exhausted. He sat up slowly, and watched as his friends started to get settled for the evening.

“Are you watching tryouts tomorrow afternoon, Remus?” Peter asked. Remus shrugged.

“If you guys want me there,” he said. Remus could vaguely remember promising to watch the quidditch tryouts with Peter, who wanted to cheer his friends on despite the fact that they both had their spots already secured. He was sure Peter just wanted to be able to talk about it with James afterwards, but he didn’t want to be sitting up in the stands alone.

He fell off his broom the evening before, and after an hour of moaning and self pity, he boldly declared that Quidditch was simply not meant for him, and that he wouldn’t even try out despite how much he practiced over the summer. Remus would’ve felt more sympathy for him, if the same thing didn’t happen every fall.

“You can do whatever your heart desires, Lupe,” Sirius said. He turned his attention to Peter. “Which means that his heart will take him to the library, where he’ll spend it studying all day

despite

not needing to.”

Remus furrowed his eyebrows at the comment. The bite to his tone seemed excessive, considering how he hadn’t even glanced Remus’ way as he said it.

“I still see you lot plenty,” Remus said defensively.

“Er- not really, mate,” James said.

“I sit with you at every meal, I’m here before curfew every night and-”

“Lupin. You don’t need to defend yourself. It’s just an observation,” James said. Remus shifted.

“You never came down to dinner,” Sirius said.

“And if we’re all studying together, you’re always on the other side of the room,” James added.

“You didn’t even want to join in on our first prank of the year,” Peter said. “I had to have

Sirius

explain how to enchant the armour, and he’s a rotten teacher.”

Sirius rolled his eyes.

“I explained it just fine, thank you very much. It’s not

my

fault you can’t pronounce

tarantallegra

,” Sirius said.

“You said it so fast! How was I supposed to catch that?”

“Well maybe if you had practiced it ahead of time like James and I-”

“You didn’t even tell me you were doing it until that morning! How am I supposed to know how to practice something if you don’t

tell

me,” Peter snapped. He grabbed his clothes from his dresser, slamming the drawer shut loud enough to make Remus wince.

“Well if you just-”

“Oh, Merlin, can you two shut up?!” Remus snapped. He stood from his bed abruptly and grabbed his jumper, throwing it on over himself. Peter huffed and disappeared into the bathroom. Sirius just sat down on the edge of his bed.

“Where are you off to, then?” James asked. Remus shrugged as he ground his heels into his shoes.

“I’m going to the infirmary to see if Madame Pomfrey has something brewed for my head,” he replied.

Sirius looked up from across the room. Remus locked eyes with him.

“Another migraine?”

“Just a headache,” he said. “I want to get ahead of it before it gets worse.”

Sirius frowned.

“Do you want company?” Sirius asked. Remus hesitated.

No. Not really.

“If you want to,” he said with a simple shrug. “I shouldn’t be long though. She’ll want me back before curfew.”

“Perfect.”

There was no fighting with Sirius about coming. At least, not when it didn’t matter. Remus was probably fine to just drink some water before bed, but he didn’t want to be in that room any longer than he had to be.

He couldn’t explain it. There was just some sort of

static

that covered the whole room every time Sirius and Peter were together. It was overwhelming, and he hated it. Remus never noticed it before. Sure, there was always some tension between the two of them. Sirius was James’ best friend, and Peter seemed to think he held that same spot. They never particularly got along, merely spent time together because of their mutual friends, but had it always been this bad?

Sirius followed Remus down the stairs and into the hall wordlessly, keeping up with Remus’ rushed pace.

“He’s right, you know,” Sirius remarked once they were down the first flight of stairs.

“Hmm?”

“You didn’t want to hex the armour with us. Do you even remember me asking you?” Sirius asked.

“Does it matter?” Remus asked. “That was… the first week back, right? Friday night?” Remus remembered it crystal clear. “I had detention, and It took me till Sunday evening to fully recover from that migraine. I wouldn’t have been up for it because of

that

. Not because I’m avoiding you.”

“I never claimed you were avoiding us,” Sirius said.

Remus looked over at Sirius, before he turned his attention ahead of him.

“Yes you did. You said-”
“I said you didn’t want to help us. I never said you were avoiding us. Those are your words,” Sirius said. “So are you admitting it then? You’re avoiding us?”
Remus rolled his eyes and shoved his hands into his pockets. Was he avoiding them? No, not really. Not

intentionally

, anyways. It wasn’t like he left a room when the others entered it, or that he used the map to avoid his friends like Filch's cat.

He just… was trying to keep busy. It wasn’t his fault that he did that in ways that were different from the others. He didn’t like to use quidditch as a distraction, or girls, or mindless games of chess. None of that would take his mind off of… well,

everything.

Studying was the easiest escape. It was hard for his thoughts to stray far from the path when he was so focused on his homework. The library was quiet, void of any significant memories to think about. It was the perfect place to be. It wasn’t like he was hiding where he was. If anyone wanted to join him at any point, they’d be able to.

His friends were a nice escape too, but he still had to put up this wall. He knew he was safe from accidentally saying something about his condition. There was no way it would come up, but he had to stay on guard, just in case. It would get easier as time went on, he was sure of that. He just… had to get used to it first.

“Remus?”

“Hmm?”

“You never answered me.”

They were stopped halfway down the hall to the infirmary. Remus wasn’t sure when Sirius had pulled him aside. He wasn’t sure how they got down here so fast.

“Right. Yes,” Remus said. He blinked before he took a step towards the infirmary, only for Sirius to grab his sleeve.

“Yes you’re avoiding us?” Sirius said.

“No! No, I’m not,” Remus retracted. “I’m sorry… Can we just- talk about this later? When my head doesn’t feel like it’s about to explode?”

Sirius sighed softly.

“Okay. C’mon, let’s get you healed up then,” Sirius said. He dropped Remus’ arm. “We will talk though… Tomorrow.”

“Okay. Tomorrow.”

Remus offered Sirius a small smile. He could give an easy explanation tomorrow, and everything would go back to normal. Until then, he could rest.

“You don’t have to come in, you know,” Remus said.

“I’m only going if she tells me to,” Sirius said. “And even then, she’ll have to fight me on that.”

Remus rolled his eyes, before he knocked on the door. At first there was silence, before the door swung open.

“Oh, Remus. Is everything alright?”

“I was just hoping you had some more-” he glanced at Sirius, which seemed to be the first time she noticed him “-of that uh, whatever you’ve been giving me for my migraines?”

“Of course. Come in. Do you have anything you need, Mr Black?” she asked, ushering Remus inside but stepping in front of the door frame when Sirius came in.

“Moral support,” Sirius said. She looked back at Remus.

Do we need to talk?

“It’s fine, Madame Pomfrey. I just want the draught and I’ll be on my way,” he said. “Sirius can come in.”

She seemed hesitant to let him in, but she didn’t argue. Instead, she shut the door behind him and then brought Remus back to her office. Sirius followed behind like a loyal puppy, lingering right at Remus’ heels.

They both sat down in two plush seats as she unlocked a cabinet, and retrieved two large potions. Remus recognized them as she poured them carefully into two smaller bottles.

“One for the pain, one to help you sleep, and you’ll wake up feeling better. Take these once you get back to your dorm, okay? I’d hate to keep you overnight for such a trivial thing… Unless, you think you need to?” she asked.

Remus knew she was trying to figure out if his reason for coming had anything to do with his lycanthropy, but it didn’t. He just wished there was an easy way to reassure her he was fine. His head

did

hurt, and he appreciated the sleeping draught, but it was only the 20th. He still had almost two weeks before the next moon. Aside from stress, really he was in as good of shape as he would be all month.

“No, I’ll be okay. Thank you,” Remus said.

She handed Remus the two small vials, and he thanked her again before they left once together. There was no point in Remus staying the night. He wanted to spend as little time as he could under the covers of the infirmary beds.

They walked in silence together back up to the Gryffindor common room, but this time Sirius seemed to hover closer to Remus. Their shoulders brushed, Sirius’ hand was ready to catch him in case he fell. Which was odd. Remus wasn’t in so much pain that he was going to

collapse,

but it actually provided him with some comfort. There was a flutter in his chest that reignited every time their hands almost brushed.

When they got back to their room, both Peter and James’ curtains were drawn shut. There was a light illuminated through Peter’s curtains, but James’ was dark.

“You really will be okay?” Sirius asked quietly. Remus nodded.

“One for pain, one for sleep, and I’ll be good in the morning,” Remus echoed what Madame Pomfrey said. He offered Sirius a small smile, who returned part of it.

Once he was settled in his own bed, Remus downed both of the potions in one gulp each, masking the flavour of the sleeping draught with the pain blocker. Neither of them tasted particularly good, but he didn’t care.

He knew he really shouldn’t take these potions. He had a headache, yes, but it wasn’t nearly as bad as the pain he felt when he woke up after the moon, and it wasn’t going to prevent him from sleeping. He hated the idea of becoming dependent on potions to cope, but he was often jolted from his sleep otherwise.

Nightmares were almost a guarantee now every time he closed his eyes, and the only time it hadn’t was when Madame Pomfrey gave him the sleeping draught after the full moon. This was the first time she’d given him it outside of that.

At least tonight, he could sleep uninterrupted.

Remus did

not

want to go watch the Gryffindor quidditch tryouts. He had nothing against it; he happily watched all the games to support his friends, but the tryouts were a whole different story. He hadn’t actually watched any of them since second year when James first got put on the team.

His friends were right though, after Remus had the morning to mull over what Sirius had said the night before. He

had

been avoiding them, whether it was intentional or not. He still failed to see how sitting in the stands while James guided tryouts on the pitch was considered spending time with them, but he wasn’t going to argue.

He didn’t want them to worry, or to give him a hard time about it.

So after breakfast, he joined Peter in the stands as all of the hopeful new players flocked onto the pitch.

Unlike Peter though, who was perched on the end of his seat and looking over the railing, Remus slouched back, sitting with his back against the stairs behind him and cross legged, his book laid out flat in his lap.

He charmed his werewolf diary (for lack of a better name) to appear as one of his poetry books to anyone else who looked at it. It wasn’t the most fool-proof plan that he could’ve thought of, but at least everyone knew his work was personal enough that they wouldn’t ask him about it.

Peter rambled away, talking about the four students who showed up to try out for the

one

chaser slot that was open.

He didn’t have the faintest clue that Remus, who was interspercing his commentary with sporadic “

mhmms

” and “

yeahs?”

,

wasn’t listening. He had a pencil in hand, trying to comb through his book for any references. There was no page dedicated to references on the back, or even footnotes at the bottom of a page. The author vaguely referenced a textbook from their Hogwarts studies, but this journal had to be at least fifty years old, just judging by the age of the paper and the newspaper clippings that had been inserted between some pages. Whatever the textbook was, it was probably out of circulation by now.

There was another author that was continuously mentioned:

Cerberus Musteli

. Remus didn’t recognise him, but with a name like

that

, it wouldn’t be that hard to find him in the library. He hoped that the library might have a few of his books. That would make his research a whole lot easier. Now if only the journalist specified exactly which books he was reading from, that would be lovely.

Remus paused as he reached a particular section of the book. He skimmed this last night when he read through it the first time. All it took was the opening paragraph to make Remus decide that he wouldn’t find anything useful, but now, he was being drawn to it again.

My entire family has disgraced me. My friends, my wife, have all fled with the intention of never coming back. I am still processing this, however, the weight of this secret has simultaneously released in my chest, but has increased everywhere else.

No one ever speaks of what drives werewolves to malice. It is not in our blood. It is not instinct, but necessity. I am unemployable, and were it not for my inheritance that my parents cannot revoke, I would be on the streets. Tales spread quickly. I cannot help but think how the others first reacted. Were they always such feral creatures? Turning to abandoned buildings to congregate like a pack of rats? Hoarding what they had to, but sharing what they could?

These creatures are still people, all but one night of the month. They live and breathe the same as muggles, as wizards, as humans. They must eat, and sleep, and wash and care for themselves. The ones who originate from a wizard bloodline can still perform magic, most of whom can draw upon nature and out perform any wizard in a magic only duel, but no one wants to see that. No one cares enough to reintegrate them into the society they once belonged to.

There was no question when I awoke after the first transformation in the infirmary. I was no longer a

[REDACTED]

. My family acted as if I had just

[REDACTED]

. In their minds, I have committed a greater sin than tainting my family’s bloodline. My mother wasted no time

[REDACTED]

, my wife packed up everything that belonged to her and my sons, and I have not heard from them since.

I have no one. I fear I cannot continue much longer. These six months have stripped me down to my bones, and I cannot fight the vermin fighting over my decaying soul. Happiness is no longer a right, but a hypothetical that I cannot reach.

The wolf took that away from me, and I cannot take it back. There is nothing in Heaven or on Earth or in the fiery depths of Hell that might grant me an ounce of the happiness I held before.

I am nothing to no one except the beast inside, who needs me to live, so it can thrive.

“Remus?”

Remus blinked, looking up from his book. Peter stood over him, his jacket back on his shoulders.

“Game over already?” Remus asked. He swallowed.

I am nothing to no one except the beast inside.

“Tryouts are, yeah. I’m gonna meet them outside the locker rooms, are you coming?”

“Yeah, course.”

Remus tucked his book away in his bag and stood. He stretched, wincing at the stiffness in his lower back. Why he had decided to sit like that was beyond him. He slept so well the night before. He woke up without any stiffness in his bones. It was criminal that his own stupidity was what ate away at his joints once more.

They descended the stairs, and Remus followed Peter across the pitch and through to the locker room.

Remus sat on the railing, leaned up against a support pole with his legs particularly balanced on top. He chewed absently on his lower lip, wishing he had a fag with him or something to distract his hands. Peter was practically bouncing as he paced back and forth, no doubt excited for his friends to reemerge so he could talk about all the people who played.

The book was making itself painfully known, pressed against his hipbone like a coal fresh out of the fire.

He wanted so desperately to get back to the common room so he could finish the excerpt. The words were pulling against his skin, scratching his brain and nipping at his bones. It was all his fears, written down and

vocalized

in a way that he hadn’t been able to do previously.

Their reality was

his

nightmare. A cloud, looming on the horizon. The rain was ready to fall, the thunder already rolling. His breath was caught in his throat as he thought about it. Could it

just

be a nightmare if it was something that was inevitable?

His father didn’t want him to come back to school. He could barely look at Remus after-

He didn’t kick Remus out. He still had his room, and his allowance. He wasn’t sure if there was an inheritance waiting for him when he became of age, but he highly doubted it. Would they keep in touch though? Would his father still want to help him? Because that was what he was doing in his own warped way, right? He was trying to help Remus, even if it was doing more harm than good.

And then there was Sirius, who clung to his side through thick and thin, but would he stay if he knew? Would he hold him for a moment longer than appropriate when he pulled him aside to make sure he was okay? Would he even care if he was okay?

Would he call Remus beautiful, still? Even if he only said it when drunk, in the almost privacy of their dormitory?

“James! How was it?! Looked like tough competition for that chaser spot!” Peter loudly exclaimed as the door to the locker room swung open, James and Sirius emerging together.

Remus put his hand on the rail and moved to get off the cement wall. He stood, steadying himself as James quickly launched into his thought process while choosing the new players.

Had he even been close to them to begin with? Could Remus recall a time where he hung out with just James, or just Peter? Aside from the occasional walk to class, or in the common room. It was always

Sirius and James

or

James and Peter

, or

The Marauders

. It was never

Remus and Peter

or

James and Remus

.

So what was stopping them from shunning him away?

“Alright, mate?”

Remus flinched as Sirius’ hand clasped onto his shoulder, giving him a much too harsh slap. He looked over.

No. No, I am not doing alright.

“Uh huh.”

Sirius furrowed his eyebrows, and opened his mouth to speak, but Remus didn’t want to hear it. He couldn’t hear it.

“I have to go. See you at lunch. Great turnout this year, Potter! Hope you’ve got your winning team!”

He pulled away, fighting off Sirius’ hand as he grabbed his sleeve and made his way down the pathway. Remus was walking so quickly, he didn’t look back to see if anyone was following him.

He hoped no one was.

----- CHAPTER BREAK -----

30th September, 1975

Something was wrong with Remus. Sirius didn’t know

what

, but there was.

He was known to be a bit of a recluse, but they never went a summer without seeing each other. Sirius always managed to sneak away to the Potters for at

least

a week, and as soon as he landed, they would send a letter to Remus and he would floo in a few hours later.

At first, they didn’t think anything was wrong. Letters were exchanged, plans were made for early July. Remus sent James a bag of muggle sweets when he went down to visit his Grandparents in June, and then nothing.

Nothing for two months. The only reassurance that James or Sirius or Peter had that Remus was alright was that the owls never came back with the letters still attached. They would always be delivered, but never replied. Sirius was going crazy with worry, every awful scenario playing through his head. James had to reassure him every night that he was probably fine, but Sirius didn’t believe it for a second.

At some point, James got a letter on a scrap piece of stationary that simply said:

I’m alive. I’m fine. Please stop sending letters.

All

that

letter did was make Sirius spiral more.

So when he found Remus in his own cart of the train, more or less untouched but looking

exhausted

he had no idea

what

to think. He dodged every question about his summer, reflecting it effortlessly back onto Sirius, and then later Peter and then once Mary and Marlene joined them, Remus fell asleep against Sirius’ shoulder, and didn’t wake up until they arrived at the train station.

James said Remus was fine. He insisted that he was just in a mood and that he would return to normal once they settled into routine, but he

didn’t.

Remus continued to sulk, to snap at them for the littlest of things.
He was taking weird trips to the infirmary, and spent every waking second in the library. He was avoiding them.

He was avoiding

Sirius.

The worst part was, Remus was

good

at hiding it when he was upset.

When they first met, Remus hid the fact that he thought they didn’t like him for six weeks. In fact, he admitted one night in fourth year that he was intimidated by them, and that he went to McGonagall asking to be switched to a different room. Coincidentally, that night had been the first time he chose to participate in one of their schemes (intentionally), and he changed his mind the next morning.

Sirius was grateful to whatever force convinced Remus to join in on their plan to flood the second floor girls bathroom, because he wasn’t sure what he would do without Remus in his life.

The funny part was, while it took Remus almost six weeks to feel like he was their friend, they all thought he was the fourth member of their quartet from the first

week

of classes, when he deflected a curse that Snape had launched in Peter’s direction during passing period. Remus felt like a miserable outsider until

October,

and everyone just thought he was quiet.

In second year, Remus had been tormented by three fourth year Slytherin’s when he accidentally destroyed their potion assignment. They jinxed him so badly he spent the rest of the day in the infirmary, and missed the Ravenclaw vs Gryffindor quidditch game. Remus spent the next three nights sobbing in his bed, and they were none the wiser.

In third year, Remus asked to go to the bookstore during their first Hogsmead visit. None of them wanted to go, so Remus didn’t go either. It wasn’t until a week later, when his Runes textbook showed up in the post that he revealed he forgot to purchase it when getting his school supplies, and wanted to use his allowance on it instead of asking his father to buy it.

Sirius found the letter that came with the textbook on Remus’ dresser. It was a less than pleasant reminder from his Father to double check his school supply list next year, to ensure he didn’t have to go six weeks without a textbook again.

When he confronted him about it, Remus shrugged it off and said it wasn’t a big deal, that he was borrowing a copy from his professor, but he hadn’t been. He was copying passages from a classmate’s textbook

during

class.

The next time they went to Hogsmead, when Remus asked to go somewhere, Sirius went with him without question. James had resisted, and ultimately he and Peter split off to go somewhere else. Remus never said thank you. Sirius was almost certain he didn’t catch on to why he followed him, but it was Sirius’ silent apology.

There were all the little things too: Peter’s habit of leaving his fingernails in the bathroom drove him mad, he hated when people chewed with their mouth open, he didn’t like it when people didn’t keep their promises, and he hated any discussion that involved his Father.

The point was, Remus was good at hiding when he was upset. So the fact that Sirius could

tell

something was wrong was a bad sign.

Whatever was going on, it was bigger than
a Hogsmead visit or a jinx or feeling like he didn’t belong. The only hint that he was willing to give Sirius was that the Order had his father doing something important, and his Grandparents passed away over the summer.

Then there was the scar across his face that he refused to talk about. At first, he didn’t notice it, until he’d watched Remus recast the glamour in the infirmary. It was fully healed, already faded into his skin. It looked like he had it for a

year

at least. So how long was he hiding it?

He had no idea what to do. This was a puzzle that Sirius didn’t even know how to begin to decode. He wanted Remus to talk to him, but the other didn’t seem keen on that. He didn’t trust Sirius, and that

hurt.

He missed Remus. He didn’t know it was possible to miss someone who spent so much time by your side. It wasn’t the same though. The silence between them wasn’t comforting anymore, it was awkward or stale or tense.

He missed the easy laughter, the pranks, the late night conversations… He just missed Remus.

“You know you’re supposed to

skip

the rocks, right mate?” James asked.

Sirius reached down and grabbed another rough rock from the shoreline. He turned it over in his hand, before he threw it at the water, as if it would skip, Instead it sank with a loud

splash.

“I’m just getting rid of the ones that aren’t worth skipping,” he said. He grabbed another rock and threw it.

The sun cast a warm glow against their backs as the two stood ankle deep in the Great Lake. James picked up a rounded rock, and in a practiced swipe, threw it against the water. It skipped four times before it sank several feet out.

“I don’t think that’s how that works,” James said. He looked over at Sirius with a grin, but he didn’t soften his expression.

“Do you think muggles actually do this for fun?” Sirius asked. He grabbed another rock, and this time he managed to get it to skip once before it disappeared under the surface. “Why wouldn’t they… I dunno. Just go swimming?”

“Dunno.”

That was how the evening was going. One of them would start a conversation, and the other would shut it down. Sirius was so lost in his own head that he couldn’t possibly listen to what James had to say. It seemed to go both ways though. James was so focused on the rocks that he didn’t bother trying to engage in anything the few times Sirius brought his attention back to the present.

Sirius took another step into the water, and grabbed a larger rock. It was definitely too big to skip, but after a quick lightening charm, it bounced across the lake, and then

continued

to bounce across the lake until it faded from sight.

“That’s cheating,” James said.

“Were we competing in the first place?” Sirius asked.

“Always,” James replied. He grinned as he picked up another rock, and cast his own charm on it. It skipped several times, before the rock suddenly tripled in size and splashed into the water.

“What was that? Are you trying to make the biggest wave?” Sirius asked. “I wouldn’t have used a rock to do it.”

“What would you have done?” James asked.

“Used the magnetic pull of the moon,” Sirius said, as if it was obvious. “It’s almost full, that’s when it’s at its most powerful or whatever, right?” he asked. “I’d fly up, and pull the water up with me, towards the moon, and then let it splash back into the lake.”

“That makes no sense,” James said.

“Never said it would be my best work,” Sirius said with a small shrug.

“It would be awful if you peaked at fifteen,” James said.

“Sixteen in a month. I’m basically already there,” Sirius said with a scoff.

“That’s worse,” he laughed. “You know how that’s worse, right?”

Sirius shrugged again, and grabbed a new rock. He flicked it, and each time it bounced, the rock duplicated itself until sixteen rocks sunk beneath the surface.

They fell silent again. A few more tosses and James retreated back to the grass. He wiped his feet off before he pulled his socks and shoes back on. Sirius grabbed another rock.

“Would you be mad if I asked Evans to go to Hogsmead with me?” James asked. Sirius glanced back at him.

“No, why would I?” Sirius asked.

“Dunno. Did you want to do anything?” James asked. Sirius shrugged. Sure, there were things they

could

do, but it wasn’t like they hadn’t visited every shop before. If they really wanted to do something together, they could sneak off through the passage any time.

“I’ll do whatever-” He swallowed. “I’m good with whatever. If you want to ask her out, go right ahead. We’ll probably end up together anyway.”

“I have a good feeling about this one,” James said. “I wouldn’t be asking her out unless I did.”

“Is that why you asked her out twice during your little Prefect walks?” Sirius asked.

“I’m doing it with

intention

now,” James said. “Remember what Trelawney said about dreams? How they always mean something and that we should be interpreting them seriously? I know it’s just bullocks but the other night I had a dream that I was in the forbidden forest… and there was this doe, and it was running. I chased it all through the forest until it got lost… and then I woke up,” James rambled.

Sirius snorted.

“Yeah, okay mate,” Sirius said.

“I’m not done! Let me finish!”

Sirius glanced back again. James was sitting, elbows rested on his knees as he stared out at the lake. Sirius tossed the last rock in his hand before he retreated out of the water and joined James on the grass.

“I had that dream on three separate occasions, I kept getting lost all the time… but

then

, last night, I found the doe. She didn’t run from me, instead she guided me to this clearing, and the clearing was

filled

with lilies, with a waterfall that led into this beautiful, clear river. At first I was like, oh, lilies because of Lily but

then

, I read that lillies are symbolic of forgiveness, and flowing water is growth and rebirth. It’s the rebirth of our relationship,” James rambled. “It just makes sense, it feels right.”

“And what’s going to spark her forgiveness?” Sirius asked, a small grin on his face.

James was far off in some other land now, his eyes hazy with a soft smile. He was so lovesick, Sirius couldn’t blame him for finding symbolism in things that meant nothing.

For James’ sake, Sirius wished that dream interpretations were actually accurate. In reality, he knew that it was all hogwash. Most of Divination class was.

“Dunno yet, but it’s coming,” James said.

“And I’ll be there to comfort you until it does,” Sirius said. He leaned over and knocked their shoulders together.

“Thanks mate.” James leaned in and knocked him twice as hard. Sirius rocked, and fell over into the grass. He didn’t make a move to get up, instead he laid on his back and stared up at the clouds, painted red and yellow with the setting sun.

Another silence stretched on. Sirius watched the clouds as James picked at the grass. At one point, he got up and returned to the water. He didn’t take his shoes off though, and stayed just beyond where the soft ripples of the water lapped against the rock.

Then, he returned, and laid down beside Sirius to look up at the clouds with him. At this point, it was starting to get dark. The sky’s ink was starting to fade, replacing the soft pastels with dark blue and the faintest traces of the stars began to come out. They were probably teetering close to curfew, but neither made a move to go up. James had his fancy prefect badge now, and if they really needed to, the invisibility cloak was a simple accio away.

Sirius sat up, and curled his legs in close.

“Hey James?” Sirius said suddenly.

“Hmm?”

“What would you do… if hypothetically, Lily stopped tolerating you?” he asked.

“What kind of question is that?” James asked.

“Just… If you did something, and she started avoiding you. I guess, more than she does now, what would you do?”

James furrowed his eyebrows. He sat up and looked over at Sirius. He glanced at his best friend before he turned his attention back to the lake. The water was tempting. He wished he didn’t open his mouth.

“Well, I’d apologize, then if that didn’t work, I would give her space,” James said. “I never want to go so far that she feels like she has to pull away.”

“Well what if you apologized about what happened, and she told you it was okay, but she was still avoiding you,” Sirius pushed.

A beat.

“Is this about Remus?” James asked.

“What? No,” Sirius said quickly. Yes. Of course it was. Who else was it supposed to be about?

“Oh it is,” James said. He frowned, and Sirius had to look away again. He couldn’t

stand

that look of pity etched on the other’s face.

“Listen, mate. Clearly something is going on with him. I’ve got no idea

what

, but he clearly doesn’t want any of us involved,” James said. “I know you wish I could give you a different answer, but you just need to let him mourn. He’ll come back to us eventually.”

“It’s not… I don’t think he’s just mourning his Grandparents though,” Sirius said. “I- I mean obviously that has to be a factor but- last year, at the end of the term, I did something. Or… tried to do something, and it didn’t happen but Remus was weird about it until we left school… I think he’s still uncomfortable with it.”

“What happened?” James asked.

Sirius felt the heat rush to his cheeks. He didn’t think this far.

“I uh… Well, we were drunk, and talking in the dorm room… and he said something so I replied with something else and then we- we uh…”

James sighed.

“You don’t have to tell me, if you don’t want to,” James said.

“No, it’s important.” Another deep breath. “I told him he was beautiful, because earlier that night he mentioned in passing while we were playing some stupid muggle game, he said that he was the least attractive person playing. I don’t even remember how it came up, but it was a drinking game, so,” Sirius rambled.

He dropped his gaze to the ground.

“I hate that he talks about himself like that sometimes. It’s stupid. He deserves to feel like the damn casanova of Gryffindor Tower, because he should be. He’s the most attractive person in our damn year and it

sucks

that he doesn’t think that,” Sirius continued.

“So I told him… and then he said I was too, and then I was-” Sirius flailed his arm, as if to gesture that he leaned in towards Remus.

“You tried to kiss him, didn’t you?” James’ voice was soft. There wasn’t any judgement in it, and yet somehow that was worse. It was like he knew all along, and he was just waiting for Sirius to confess. This time last year, he was snogging Mary every chance he got. By the end of the year though, he was single again. Sure, he wasn’t so subtle about the way he stared at Remus, but no one should’ve caught on.

“I did,” Sirius said. “And I don’t think he appreciated it.”

Sirius swallowed.

“It’s for the best, really, but I just- I can’t help but think I fucked it all up.”

“Lupin isn’t like that,” James said. “I mean, I dunno if the bloke’s… interested in boys, but he wouldn’t hate you just for being different.”

“It’s not that I’m

different

, it’s that I tried to- with him!” Sirius said. “I want my friend back, James. I miss him.”

James went quiet then. He sat up with a heavy sigh, and looked over at Sirius. He could feel the burn start to well up in his eyes, but he wasn’t about to cry. This wasn’t a situation where he was going to get upset. He needed to stay level headed. Guarded.

“Do you still want…

that

?” James asked.

“I do.” There was no hesitation in it.

“Then maybe it’s for the best you have to keep your distance for now, mate,” James said. “If he wants it too, he’s in no mental place to be able to pursue it. You should probably try and move on, you know? If you keep dwelling on it, neither of you are going to be able to go back to the way it was before.”

“I guess…”

Another silence, this time shorter.

“We should get back before curfew,” James said. “C’mon.”

James stood up, and Sirius followed a little bit too quickly. He blinked as he regained his balance, before the two walked back up to the castle in the fading glow of the sunset.

It was a quiet walk back up to the Gryffindor common room. That was on Sirius for leaving them on such a sullen note.

Most students were already settling down in their dorms when the two emerged through the portrait hole. There were a few still in the common room, though. Two seventh years were sat side by side, huddled over a series of open textbooks and parchment. One of the younger students who Sirius vaguely recognized because Remus talked with him some times, was sitting by the fireplace with a book. Then there was Peter, who was napping in the corner, curled up with a blanket and everything,

“What’s he doing out here?” Sirius asked, nodding to where their friend had taken up camp for the night.

“Dunno. If he sleeps in that position all night though, his neck is going to kill him in the morning,” James said.

That was enough convincing for James to go over and gently shake Peter awake. He jumped from his sleep, and looked up at James with beady eyes. Sirius was too far away to hear what they were saying, but James patted him on the back and then Peter shuffled up. He grabbed his blanket and whatever homework he had down with him, and the three ascended the stairs up to their dorm.

Peter was the first to open the door, and he didn’t hesitate to make his way to his own bed. He changed out of his clothes before he crawled under the covers and drew the curtains shut.

The bathroom door was shut, and Sirius could hear the faint sound of water running. James started getting ready for bed, and sat down on the edge of his bed while he waited. A few more minutes wore on, and the shower never stopped on the other end. Remus must have been doing a full body shave or

something

ridiculous to be taking that long.

James got tired of waiting after they were sitting there for more than ten minutes. He started gathering his things, and muttered something about using the prefect’s bathroom. Sirius frowned as he watched the other leave, but he stayed on the edge of his bed. It was stupid, but he was starting to get worried now. How long had Remus been in the shower before they got upstairs?

Sirius got off his bed and crossed the room. He pressed his ear against the door, but all he could hear on the other side was the water running. He raised his hand, but before he got a chance to knock on the door, the water shut off and the curtain was drawn back.

Sirius dropped his hand and just listened as Remus finished getting ready in the bathroom. He did that all the time now. It wasn’t like he was the type to strut around their dorm with no shame like James did, but Remus was

never

this prudish. He used to change in the dorm room with them all the time, not worried about what was going on under his clothes. It wasn’t like any of them stared at each other.

Sirius sighed as he laid back on his bed and ran a hand down his face. Could it be his fault? No, certainly not, because he changed in the bathroom no matter what. It didn’t matter who was already in the dorm, or if it was just Remus. He always locked himself behind that door now, so it had to be another reason. Sirius just didn’t know what it could be.

He sat up again when the door swung open. Remus walked over to his own bed and dropped his things on the floor by his bed, before he glanced up. His skin was red, his face particularly splotchy while water dripped from his hair. The scar on his face wasn’t concealed with the usual glamour. His eyes were bloodshot and tired. If Sirius didn’t know any better, he’d say that Remus had been crying.

“You alright, mate?” Sirius asked. Remus nodded.

“Right as rain,” Remus replied with a flat smile.

“You sure?”

“Course. G’night.” Remus turned off the lamp beside his bed and threw back his covers. Remus didn’t want to talk about it. Nothing new there, but Sirius still wanted to help. He wanted to know what was going on. He wanted to pick apart Remus’ brain until he knew every detail of what was going on, just so he could fix it. Sirius didn’t care what it took, he wanted to make everything right for him again.

But he couldn’t do that. He was only going to get the information that Remus willingly gave him. For all his desperation, Sirius would never turn to ways to get Remus to confess things unwillingly. He could give him truth serum, or attempt to search his mind, but just the

idea

of that made him sick to his stomach. There was no way he was going to do that to Remus. Never.

“Good night, Lupe,” Sirius said. They exchanged another glance, before Remus shut his curtains.

“

I wish you’d talk to me

,” Sirius whispered, barely loud enough for even himself to hear.

Remus’ name on the map hadn’t moved since two pm. He was sitting in the library, at a table somewhere towards the back of the vast room, probably at one of the tables in between bookshelves. Once or twice, he got up to (presumably) check the shelves for a different book. Or maybe he was just getting up to stretch his legs.

Sirius had no idea how he spent so much time studying. It felt like that was his only hobby nowadays. Gone were the days of Remus listening to records, or playing exploding snaps.

He couldn’t even remember the last time he saw Remus writing just for

fun

. Sirius missed the evenings where Remus would recite his little pieces of work for feedback. He’d always flush as he read them out loud, oftentimes editing them as he spoke, but his poetry always came with small giggles and smiles that Sirius found infectious. It was so much better than him talking about Charms or Transfigurations.

Sirius folded up the map and stuck it in his cloak. James was in his Prefect meeting until five, and Peter was off with his chess club. Remus was going to have to suck it up, because Sirius was

not

spending the next hour locked up in his room alone.

He made his way down to the library, almost immediately getting shushed by Madame Pinch when he greeted her with a louder than necessary hello.

It’s only polite

, he wanted to argue, but he had more pressing matters than getting kicked out of the library before he even got three steps

in

it.

Remus’s favourite place to sit in the library had stayed the same since they were in third year. The table in the furthest corner of the library, right beside the section for folklore and history. Sirius still wasn’t sure what his logic was, but he never found himself in the library enough

with

Remus to ask.

When he went to the table, Remus’ things were tossed about, including his cardigan that was half on the floor, half on the seat, but there was no Remus. He assumed that he was out grabbing a book, but he wasn’t going to go searching for him. The library was like a damn maze at times, Sirius didn’t want to get lost.

So he pulled out the second chair and sat down. He probably should’ve thought about

what

he was going to do when he joined Remus in the library. He certainly didn’t bring any homework or a textbook down with him. He was caught up on everything that needed to be done for this week anyways, aside from writing in his stupid dream diary for Divinations, but he was the only person who seemed to

not

care about the assignment. Even James fell off the deep end!

It wasn’t like there was much to analyze with his dreams. They were all rather straightforward, in his mind. They were

not

the absurd, abstract dreams that everyone else recounted.

His were just revists to the “Sirius Black’s Greatest Hits LP,” which included such amazing songs like; Sirius learns not to cry in front of his parents at the ripe age of five, and Sirius and his brother fight. There was also the classic Sirius Black actually has to marry his cousin that loved to make appearances during the summer, especially. Or, his personal favourite, Sirius comes home for the first time since being sorted into Gryffindor, specifically the half hour super cut, where he was shamed and insulted in between special spells designed to hurt him.

He supposed the track names were a little bit mouthy, he’d have to work on those. Or maybe he could rebrand his LP to a film, but he didn’t know enough about the muggle’s moving pictures for that.

The point was, dreams were just memories. At least for him, so there was no reason to pretend there was some deeper meaning behind them. Which, long story short, meant his homework was done.

Sirius hummed as he grabbed one of the blank pieces of parchment from Remus’ stack, and an extra quill. He looked over the textbooks he had opened. It looked like he was doing something for Care of Magical Creatures, a subject that Sirius knew absolutely nothing about. Still, he flipped absently through the pages of one of them, mostly on the hunt for the illustrations of the different creatures.

“

Oh.

Hey, Sirius.”

Sirius looked up from the textbook with a small grin. He dropped the pages, letting the textbook fall back open to the section Remus had opened before.

“Hiya. What are you up to?” Sirius asked. Remus hesitated before he sat down in his spot. He scanned over his work, before he gathered a few things into a pile. He set down a new book in front of him.

“Homework, you should try it some time,” Remus said. Sirius rolled his eyes.

“I do homework all the time. Unlike

you

though, I’m so efficient at it that I don’t have to live, breathe and sleep it,” he teased.

“So what are you doing here then?” Remus asked. He opened up the new book, and began to skim through the table of contents. Sirius tried to read the pages upside down, but Remus was already flipping to a different page.

“Well, Peter is off to his chess club, I think, and James has a Prefect meeting… And I’m bored,” Sirius explained simply. “I figured I’d come study with you.”

“Without any textbooks… or homework?” Remus asked.

“Well. No- er. I didn’t think about

that

part. I was more… thinking I could come rescue you from the jail that you’ve put yourself in,” Sirius said.

“I’m not in jail,” Remus said. He

almost

laughed, which made Sirius smile.

“Okay, fine. You work, I’ll keep myself entertained until you’re done.”

Remus narrowed his eyes, before he nodded and turned back to his work.

Sirius lasted just thirty seconds gazing around the library before he began to doodle on the piece of parchment he stole. It began as a black splotch of ink, which he gradually scribbled in a neck, and ears and a snout, and then suddenly he was drawing the silhouette of a dog behind the moon.

He almost laughed to himself. It almost vaguely reminded him of the symbol of the

grimm

that appeared in their Divination work. A part of him wanted to save the doodle, and show it to the Professor at the end of class, just to see what she’d say.

He began to scribble some of the other symbols he could remember (which really, he was taking extensive creative liberties on), but even that could only hold his attention for so long.

His leg began to shake as he slowed on the fourth random shape. He chewed on his lower lip, tapped his quill, and shifted in his seat. He was quiet- as quiet as he could be, but he was trying to keep himself entertained.

Sirius looked up as Remus started folding his things up.

“Alright, you win. Let’s take off,” Remus said. Sirius grinned, letting the quill drop to the table with a small clatter.

“Finally bored of fairies and kneazles?” Sirius asked.

“Something like that,” Remus replied. There was a moment as he packed up his things. Sirius watched as the gears not so subtly turned in the other’s head.

“Do you want to come with me to the owlery? I have to post a message for my mum,” Remus asked. He glanced at the letter that was still on the table, and then at Sirius. He nodded.

“Course,” Sirius said. “Gonna tell me what it says?”

Remus rolled his eyes. He swung his bag over his shoulder, and put the letter in his pocket.

“It’s really not that exciting,” Remus said. “I write to my mum all the time.”

Yeah, I know

, Sirius thought. What used to be monthly letters became weekly letters over the summer. It was probably because of whatever “Order” stuff was going on, but Sirius couldn’t help but want to know

more

. He wanted details, not just the vague excuses Remus would throw out there.

Still, he happily walked beside Remus as they made their way through the thinning hallway. He lingered a bit closer than he needed to. Their hands brushed once, before Remus stashed them away in his pockets.

Remus was the first to start the climb up the stairs, and Sirius followed a few steps behind. He lagged though, and every few steps Sirius had to pause just to make sure that he didn’t accidentally step on the back of his heels.

Sirius sat on the ledge as Remus sent the letter off with one of the owls. Afterwards, Remus joined him, sitting right beside him. He set his bag down at their feet, before he revealed a packet of cigarettes from nowhere. Remus placed one between his lips, and then he handed off a second one to Sirius without a world.

Sirius reached for his wand, but before he even had a chance to bring it out of his cloak, Remus already had his lit with a snap of his fingers. He stared in awe as Remus just continued as normal, taking a long drag.

“Did you just- was that wandless magic?” Sirius asked.

Last year, they all spent hours trying to perfect the simplest spells without their wands. All four of them sat around their dorm room, trying to light joints, but no one was successful.

“

Oh

, uh, yeah,” Remus said, like it was nothing. “Been practicing over the summer.”

“Shit. Can you do mine?”

Sirius placed his cigarette between his own lips as Remus leaned in close. He gave Sirius a small smile, before he leaned in a bit too close to light it. Sirius leaned back, hitting his head against the cold stone.

“That is so cool,” he muttered. Remus just rolled his eyes.

“It ain’t that impressive,” he dismissed.

“Yes it is! We were trying for

months

! And you just-” Sirius waved his free hand wildly. “It’s not fair, you’re always the first to ace these things.”

“And you always follow right behind,” Remus said. “Don’t worry, your jealousy will bubble up so much you’ll just

have

to perfect it by October.”

“That’s only a few days away,” Sirius said.

“So you better start practicing then,” Remus said.

They fell into a comfortable silence then, as the two smoked their own cigarettes. Remus looked out onto the horizon. Sirius pretended to watch the horizon, but his gaze was always going back to Remus, lingering longer than it should’ve been.

“So, when are you going to fess up?” Sirius said, putting his cigarette out on the concrete railing. Remus looked over, before he put his own out, only to reach for another one.

“I’m going home on Friday,” Remus said. He looked out over the ledge as he lit his new cigarette. His gaze was skillfully avoiding Sirius.

“

What?! No!

No, you can’t!”

“Not- not for good. Just for the weekend,” Remus said. “Sorry, I didn’t mean- I should’ve phrased it better.”

He held out his cigarette as a peace offering, and Sirius took it without a second thought.

“You can’t scare me like that, Lupe,” he said with a loud sigh.

“I’m

sorry

.”

“Why?”

“Why am I sorry or why am I going?”

Sirius passed the Cigarette back over.

“Why are you going?”

Remus stayed quiet for a moment, giving his full attention to the fag in his hand. He rolled it between his fingers, before he brought it up to his lips. Sirius watched every move, scared that if he blinked, the other would disappear.

“Mum’s not doing very well… Between my grandparents’ death, my dad getting more and more caught up with the war and me being gone… I uh, I just want to make sure she’s okay,” he said. “My dad is gone for the next week, so she asked if I could come home Friday after lessons and stay until Sunday night… so I said yes.”

“But what about us?” Sirius asked.

“It’s one weekend, Sirius. You’ll survive without me,” Remus said.

“Hogsmeade is this weekend though! What am I supposed to do if James goes with Lily?” Sirius whined. “I can’t just go alone!”

“James and Lily? Oh come on, that’s not going to happen. You’ll be

fine

,” Remus said. “Besides, if that does happen, which it won’t, just ask someone else out. Emmeline Vance was asking about you the other day. You’ve got lots of suitors.” Remus threw his cigarette over the ledge, before he stood up.

“What if I don’t want to ask out Emmeline Vance?” Sirius said.

“I dunno, mate. Don’t go? Stay back and do your coursework?” Remus said.

“That would be awful! What a pathetic way to spend my Saturday!”

“Well it’s not like I’m

happy

my mother is sick!” Remus snapped. “I don’t want to go home either, but I

have

to.”

“Is she forcing you to?”

“No! She’s not, but I care about her,” Remus said. “Just because you hate your family doesn’t mean I have to hate mine.”

Sirius scoffed.

“Wow.”

“What?”

“That was just uncalled for,” Sirius said.

“What was uncalled for, is you being a baby about me leaving for

two days

!” Remus said.

“Well I’m sorry I was excited to spend time with you! I don’t get that very often anymore, you know. I sleep in the same

room

as you, and I maybe see you once a week!”

“I’ve been busy,” Remus said. He crossed his arms over his chest and stood a little taller.

“Yeah. Yeah, right. Course. You’ve been busy. Even though you have

less

commitments than we do,” Sirius snapped.

“You don’t get it!” Remus said.

“Well then tell me! I

want

to get it!”

“You

won’t

get it, then,” Remus snapped. Sirius opened his mouth to speak, but Remus was already storming out of the owlery. He leaned against the wall and huffed, closing his eyes tightly. Then, he geared up and kicked the wall with as much force as he could muster up.

“Fuck!”

That night, Remus didn’t come up to bed before, or after curfew. He had the map with him, so Sirius couldn’t check it like he normally did. He tried to sleep, but he just couldn’t. He wasn’t going to read or work on homework like Remus did, so he ended up just staring at the ceiling for a while.

When he couldn’t take it anymore, he got up and made his way down to the common room, only to stop when he reached the bottom of the stairwell.

Remus was curled up on the couch by the fireplace. His legs were too long to fit comfortably, so he was hunched over in a ball, but he was sound asleep.

Sirius hesitated for a moment, his instincts wanting to wake Remus up, but he decided against it. Instead, he quietly made his way back upstairs, and grabbed Remus’ blanket from his bed.

Then, he returned to the common room and gently draped it over the other. Remus shifted in his sleep, and muttered something incoherent that Sirius couldn’t catch.

“Night, Lupe.”

When Sirius got back into his bed, he still struggled to fall asleep, but eventually, he did.

----- CHAPTER BREAK -----

With a flash of green flame, Remus arrived home through the floo network. He left Hogwarts from McGonagall’s office, who gave him special permission to be able to use it after dinner.
Remus mentioned to his friends that he was going home for the weekend, but didn’t offer any more explanation to James and Peter than he did Sirius. After Sirius’ selfish reaction, he didn’t want to pick a fight with anyone else. So he waited until the last possible moment to tell them, while they were all finishing up eating.
He was prepared to argue. To snap and storm off, but all James asked if Remus was doing okay with everything, and Peter wished his mum well, and told him to make it home safe.
It was a breath of fresh air, really, that he could just tell his friends he was going away and they were fine with it. Sirius still hadn’t apologized. It wouldn’t have surprised him if Sirius didn’t think he had said anything wrong. Silently, he hoped that Sirius did know what he said was wrong, and he felt so guilty that he didn’t know how to apologize.
Remus barely stepped into the parlour before his mum entered through the door, and he was engulfed in a tight hug. When she pulled away, she still held him close, clinging onto his arms for dear life.
Hope Lupin was almost half a foot shorter than Remus, and he had to hunch down to hug her properly, while she reached up on her toes. The last few months had taken a toll on her, just as much as it had him. Her frame was thinning, and her soft lavender dress hung off her shoulders when it once fit perfectly. Her mousey brown hair was tied up in a loose bun, the greying stripe at the front of her temple swooping elegantly across the side of her face. There were circles under her eyes, and her nails that she tried so hard to keep neat were chewed down to the quick.
She reached up and cupped his cheek, offering a small smile.
“It’s good to see you, dear,” she said softly. “I’ve missed you so much more this year.”
She hugged him again, and then pulled him further into the parlour.
“Have you eaten? Your father should be coming down right away. He’s up in his office,” she said.
Remus had eaten before he left school. Two whole servings, as well as pudding. Still though, he was starving, so he shook his head.
His mum’s cooking was always so much better than Hogwarts anyways. He just wished there could be more of it.
“Well, go stow away your things, then you can set the table,” she said.
“Course, mum,” Remus replied. He gave her a quick kiss on the cheek before he made his way upstairs two at a time. His door was the first one on the right, and it was closed tight.
His room probably hadn’t been touched since he left for Hogwarts, which was exactly what he expected. His mum had probably gone through to dust it a few times, and his bed was made up with fresh sheets, which he appreciated, but everything else laid the exact same.
Remus’ room was small, but it was all he needed considering how much time he spent at home. He had a twin sized bed, with matching walnut dressers and end tables. In the corner, next to his study desk, he had a bookshelf filled top to bottom with muggle and wizard books, with old textbooks stashed on the floor in small piles.
The walls were painted a soft yellow, the same colour it had been since he was a baby, and the bedsheets and curtains were a deep blue. The walls were covered in pictures of his friends and family, and posters, all framed with matching wood and hung in an organized, patternless way.
He dropped his bag on his bed, before he returned to the kitchen. He didn’t pack much; he still had clothing at home. It was mostly his homework and textbooks, and he wore his favourite jumper here, so there was no need to pack anything else.
“So, how are classes?” Hope asked.
“They’re going fine,” Remus said. “Same as normal.”
“That’s good… And, uh, how's your friends? James, Sirius and Peter?”
She met James and Peter once or twice, but Sirius she only knew by name.
“They’re all good. James says hi,” Remus said as he grabbed the plates from the cupboard. He set the table as Hope pulled the chicken out of the oven.
“That’s good.”
Remus nodded absently to himself. Then, he fell quiet as he finished grabbing the glasses. They worked in tense silence together, dancing around each other in the small kitchen until the table was set, and the food was all laid out.
Hope called for Lyall from the bottom of the stairs, and they all settled around the table. Hope said grace, a tradition that only she followed, but neither Lyall nor Remus ever objected.
Remus sat patiently as they both served their own food. He could tell that his mum cooked more than she normally would because of his arrival, but he still waited to make sure they got what they wanted.
“How are classes treating you, Remus?” Lyall asked.
“Fine,” Remus replied.
“And your friends?”
“Good. James says hi,” Remus said.
“How’s Quidditch going so far for him?” Lyall asked. Remus shrugged.
“Haven’t been paying attention much. He and Sirius are always gone in the mornings for practice though. First games next weekend against Slytherin,” he explained.
“That’s nice that you’ll be there for it,” Lyall mused. “Hopefully you’re feeling well enough to watch.”
“Probably will. Last moon I only spent a day in the hospital wing before I was back on my feet… Can’t see why next weekend would be an issue,” Remus said.
“Just one day?! Honey, are you sure that was enough time?” Hope said.
“Well I had to go to classes, and we don’t want anyone getting suspicious… Madame Pomfrey gave me a few potions to help the healing and the pain and everything. It was just like here, but… not,” Remus said.
“You shouldn’t be overworking yourself so soon after the transformation, Remus. It’s just like Doctor Helios said, your body needs rest-”
“I don’t have time for rest, mum. I can’t just take a day off classes. That’s not how it works! I have my O.W.Ls coming up this year. I don’t get that luxury,” Remus interrupted. “I’m taking care of myself, that’s what matters, right?”She sighed.
“I suppose.”
Remus was beginning to wonder why he decided to come home for this moon in the first place.
The rest of dinner went the same. Short, tense popcorns of conversation that began to add kindling to small fires before one of them stamped it out. Then they silence would come back. Knives would scrape against plates, and cups would clatter on the table.
Once they were finished, Remus helped clean up without being asked and then he settled in the parlour with his mum. He read his book while she knitted, and no conversation was exchanged until Remus got up to retire to his room.
He kissed her forehead, exchanged hollow I love yous and then crept up to his bed.

Remus stared at the wall, his quill absently rolling between his pointer finger and his thumb. He had his charms homework in front of him, but he hadn’t made any progress on it since he sat down almost an hour ago. He was just wasting time until it was time to go down to the cellar for the night.
The morning had been fine. Uneventful, really. They all had breakfast as a family, and then Lyall disappeared to his office and Hope dismissed herself to do some laundry.
Remus spent some time helping her, but with the moon drawing near, everything was on high alert. The scent of the laundry detergent was too strong, and he had to leave with a headache already brewing.
He couldn’t practice any of the practical magic, because his magic was too unpredictable that it wasn’t worth the risk. The first moon he experienced, he accidentally multiplied his joint by twenty instead of lighting it, and it depleted any of the potency that was there.
He smoked a joint out his bedroom window that afternoon. This time he learned his lesson though, and used a muggle lighter to get it started. Then, he packed it away in his bag so he could bring it back on Sunday.

It helped some, but his mind kept wandering back to tonight. How was he supposed to list five possible uses for the confundus charm when it felt like he’d already been hit with the spell?
Remus sighed in frustration as he dropped his quill. There was no point in making himself even more miserable with class work.
He stood from his desk and moved to the window. He shut it, before he fell on his bed with a small huff. On his nightstand, the allspice scented incense still burned, the smoke curled up in the air in delicate swirls.
This was criminal. Why did he think it was a good idea to hide at home for the weekend?
One too many letters by his overbearing father, that’s what caused it.
At least at Hogwarts he had distractions. The library was easier to focus in, and technically it was Hogsmeade weekend. He could’ve been miserable while shopping for extra quills and sweets and drinking butterbeer with his friends. There would still be the impending doom, but at least he wouldn’t be spending it alone in his bedroom in Wales.
He almost perfected the masking charm on the map. So he could hide himself all day and it wouldn’t be suspicious when Sirius tried to stalk him later tonight.
Sirius. Who never actually apologized for his outburst on Monday.
There was tension all week between them, but Sirius never said anything so neither did Remus. He didn’t ignore him by any means, but he didn’t make the effort to hang out with his friends either.
Not that that was different either, according to Peter. And James. And Sirius.
There was a soft knock on his door. He grunted, and Hope slipped in.
“How are you feeling, darling?” she asked. Remus sat up, propping himself against his headboard as she set down a plate on his bedside table. Remus looked at the soup and sandwich, and his stomach churned.
“Alright,” Remus said.
“I brought you some lunch… I was thinking maybe we could go on a walk after? It’s lovely out, and I’d like to spend some time with you while you’re here,” she said.
Remus chewed on his lower lip. A walk was better than nothing.
“Maybe, yeah,” Remus said absently. “I’d actually- I’d really like to go to the tea shop and bring a few back with me.”
Hope’s smile grew. She took Remus’s hand and gave it a small squeeze.
“Eat your lunch, and then we’ll go before it gets too late in the afternoon,” she said. The walk would be at least an hour there, but there was still lots of time before the sun set.
Really, Remus didn’t want to leave the house all day. He wanted to rot away in his bed if he couldn’t be productive and get through any of his homework. He still hadn’t changed from his pajamas, but it was probably a good idea.
He was just begging for a distraction, who was he if he turned away the one that appeared for him?Lunch was delicious, but it wasn’t nearly enough. The soup was filled with vegetables, barley and minced meat, with so many spices the broth danced on his tongue. It was so much better than anything he had so far at Hogwarts, and he wished he could go down to get more. Before, he would’ve never needed a second helping though, so he couldn’t go now.
Remus got dressed and gathered his dishes to bring them downstairs.
In the kitchen, his mum was packing the leftovers away as the dishes washed themselves in the sink. Over the summer, Lyall set up a few enchantments around the house to make things easier. The sink washed any of the dishes set inside now, and the broom could sweep by itself if propped upright.
Before, Hope wouldn’t have any of it. She loved that there was magic in Remus’ life, but she didn’t love using it herself. She was informed about everything that was important; about what happened at Hogwarts and the war and every other general Wizarding event. She listened and asked questions when Lyall spoke about his day, and she did the same with Remus.
As a kid, she read him stories from Beedle the Bard, and took him to Diagon Alley alongside his father. So it wasn’t like she wasn’t open to the magic around her, she just preferred to do things herself.
She often taught that to Remus too. As a kid, he hated doing the dishes when he knew that there was a spell to do it instead. As he grew up though, he became quite grateful for it. There was something peaceful about doing things by yourself, without the help of your wand.
Remus didn’t resent his magic by any means, but it was tiring.
There was a part of him that was excited to be away from magic for the weekend, even if it was going to be interrupted by the moon. It all but faded from his mind that his mum had recently let magic take over a couple of the chores.
“I’m almost ready darling,” Hope said as Remus crept into the kitchen.
“It’s’ok,” Remus said.
“Sit, please, you don’t need to help me with anything,” she said, waving a hand towards the kitchen table. Remus hesitated before he sat down. He wanted to help, but with the way his nerves were buzzing there really wasn’t much he could do. It didn’t help that he could still smell the food, and his stomach growled in anticipation.
It didn’t take long for Hope to finish, and the two of them said goodbye to Lyall who was crammed up in his office.
The walk into town was short. They lived just a quarter of an hour’s walk out from the nearest house, and shortly after that they were sitting at the bus stop.
It was mostly quiet, which Remus didn’t mind. He didn’t have much to say about school, she seemed a bit nervous to try and start the conversation with him.
They rode the bus side by side, and then roamed up the street together.
The tea shop was lovely. He never got the chance to go at all last summer, and he admittedly missed having a small selection in his room. The teas that Hogwarts had were fine, but it was nothing but the most simple options.
He picked out a few, and then put half of them back and settled on just a couple small tins. He could tell his mum was being patient, but he definitely took more time than he meant to.
It was easier to focus on the trivial matters of tea flavours and steeping times than what was looming overhead. At least Hope didn’t complain.
They continued to waste their afternoon away, wandering the small shops in town, stopping occasionally to visit with neighbours.
Remus didn’t know most of the muggle neighbours very well, but his mum did, which resulted in a lot of standing around with his hand in his pocket as Mrs Dewitt spoke proudly about her last harvest in her garden.
The sun was still high in the sky when Hope suggested they grab take away from their favourite diner. Remus was hesitant, considering how much she had already spent on him today (the teas, he didn’t mind, but what he hadn’t expected was for her to grill him about any school supplies he needed, or for her to sneak the records he had been eyeing out of the music shop), but he could tell it wasn’t just for him. His mum was tired, the deep circles under her eyes and the slight slouch in her posture was enough to notice it.
So they ordered and sat together at a booth while they waited for their order to be completed. It was busy, thanks to the rush hour, and a certain sense of dread was starting to prickle up the back of his neck. The curtains were all drawn down, but Remus knew they still had several hours to go before the moon came out to play.
It was loud, between the conversations and the clanging of cutlery. The two mostly sat in silence, Hope studied the takeaway menu like a test, while Remus absently flipped through the pages of a muggle paperback that he impulsively grabbed from the pound bin at a used bookstore.
Remus thought that they spent the day in easy conversation, but the more Remus thought about it, the easier conversations were between them and everyone else. If Remus counted the sentences they spoke directly to each other, he wouldn’t have to go beyond his ten fingers.
He stood with urgency as her name was called, though she took her time to gather herself up and walk to the counter. She thanked the man working, and then the two of them began to make their way home.

Remus opened the door for Hope as they arrived back to the front door. She trailed ahead as Remus lingered by the door, breathing in one more moment of welcoming sunshine before he disappeared inside after her.Hope set the two take away bags on the counter while Remus tucked his own things away in the parlour, setting them carefully in the corner of the sofa. The sun was shining through the kitchen window, its light just beginning to dip beneath the tall treeline. The clock chimed out, signalling the start of a new hour.
Six o’clock.
Remus and his mum divided the food up, setting the burgers and chips up across the three plates.
“Do you want extra mustard, darling?”
“Please, and er- soda?” Remus asked.
There was a moment of hesitation, where Hope’s lips parted in a way that was going to form the word no, but then she stopped. A small smile cracked on her lips, and she grabbed a can of cola from the fridge along with the mustard.
In any other circumstance, she would shut him down and pour glasses of water instead. A glass of water, and then juice after, if it was a special occasion. He wasn’t sure why she was still so strict on that rule. She must know that Remus doesn’t follow it at all while he was at Hogwarts, but he still felt that bubble of excitement in his chest as she decided to bend the rules.
“Pour water for your father and I though, won’t you?” she asked. Remus nodded and did just that, setting the glasses down at their respective spots at the table.
“You two were supposed to be back at least two hours ago,” Lyall said. Remus glanced over his shoulder, and any smile that was dancing on his face dissolved. His father’s eyebrows were knit together with a deep frown etched onto his face. His arms were crossed against his chest, letting out a small puff of air.
“We lost track of time, that's all, but we brought home dinner,” Hope said.
“You lost track of time,” Lyall echoed. “Of all days, to be losing track of time, today is not one of them.”
Remus looked down, and began to divide up the fries across the three plates.
“It’s only six,” Hope said.
“And what if something happened, and you couldn’t get home until seven? Or eight?” Lyall said.
“Well the bus was on time, and everything is okay. We were watching the time, Lyall, I promise. We have lots of time before the sun goes down.”
“It’s better to be safe than sorry. We don’t know-”“Yes we do know! I am not an idiot, Lyall. I knew that-”“Well I told you this morning-”
“I wasn’t going to let Remus spend all day in his room. My son is only here for one weekend, and for about ninety percent of it, he is going to be miserable. I wanted to at least enjoy some time with him,” Hope snapped.
“I’m not saying you can’t do that,” Lyall said.
Remus ducked his gaze to the table, staring at the glass in front of him. He took a deep breath, and watched as two small bubbles rose from the water, and then another one.
“He’s not dangerous,” Hope said.
Another bubble. The water was supposed to be still but it was beginning to rattle as if he was blowing air into it through a straw.
Remus took a deep breath.
“I’m not saying he is! Merlin, Hope that’s not what I’m saying. I’m just worried!” Lyall snapped.
“You have been using your worry as an excuse since July, Lyall,” Hope said coldly. “We can’t live in fear. My therapist-”
“Enough with the muggle therapist! He will never be able to give you proper advice about this.”
The sounds started to phase out, blurring together as the water began to rapidly boil in the glass. Across the table, at the two other set spots, the water began to boil in the other glass, and his own can was beginning to crinkle and expand with the heat. Suddenly, the entire glass was shaking as Remus’ gaze narrowed in even sharper.
Breathe in, out. In… out.
The lights above flickered, then suddenly the heat finally became too much for the glass, and both of them shattered in succession, one after the other, followed by the can that snapped away in a series of sharp pops. The water steamed as it spilled out over the table, and continued to boil on the wooden surface. Whatever the argument had escalated to in those twenty seconds suddenly stopped, and they were both looking at Remus in shock.
He stayed quiet, staring at his parents with the same blank stare that he gave the glasses.
“I’ll be in the cellar if you need me,” Remus finally said. “Since obviously I’m too dangerous to keep around upstairs.”
“Remus-”“Darling-”“Don’t,” Remus snapped. “I wasn’t hungry anyways.”
It was a complete lie. One he knew his mum would see right through because of the way he gushed about the food they ordered like a stupid child.
He didn’t wait for a response from either of them, though. Remus turned around and stormed out of the kitchen, through the back door and then down into the cellar. All he had to do was look at the doors for them to swing open, and he slammed them shut with such force he could feel it buzz in his hands.
Remus collapsed on the mattress and screamed into the musky padding.
It was bad enough that he had to feel the guilt and the shame that came with this stupid transformation, but he had to listen to his parents argue about him while he was right there? His father talked about him like he was a ticking bomb with no clock! But he wasn’t. He knew when he was going to transform. He didn’t need the sun or a clock to tell.
He could feel it in his bones. The itch in his marrow that started as the sun started to set in the sky and the pull of the moon grew stronger. It drained him entirely before the adrenaline rushed forward and took over.
He rolled onto his side and sunk further into the mattress.
The door opened, but Remus barely acknowledged it, his attention drawn exclusively to the floor.
Was it his fault? He knew the diner would be busy and took longer, yet he was the one to suggest it, right? Or was it his mum? He couldn’t remember now. The food smelt so good when they first walked in that Remus didn’t even think about how long it would take.
An hour and a half should’ve been more than enough time. It was enough time to sit down, eat and get changed before locking himself down here, where the air was damp and the buzz of the silver doors pulsed up his bones even though they were at the top of the stairs, behind the secondary doors.
The mattress dipped at the foot of it, but Remus still didn’t look over. He pulled his sleeve over his hand and wiped at his eyes harshly, refusing to let himself cry. He wasn’t going to cry about such trivial things.
“I’m sorry, Remus.”
Remus looked down at his sleeves, where the two tear drops settled into his cuff.
“We shouldn’t have fought like that in front of you.”
Remus swallowed. The other sighed.
“I overreacted, and even though your mother was right, I still fought to win my case.”
He closed his eyes and wiped at his face again.
“Come up and eat with us, please? I know how much you love that place, and I don’t want you to go through the moon hungry.”
Remus finally looked up at him, and really looked at him. He couldn’t tell if those words were coming from him or if Hope sent him down with a specific script to follow.
“I’m not hungry,” he finally said.
“Remus… If you don’t eat, and you keep festering this anger, tonight is going to be a lot harder for you, and for us.”
“You don’t have to go through the transformation,” Remus snapped. He didn’t miss the way Lyall flinched.
He opened his mouth, then seemed to think better of it and shut it again. Remus laid back down and shut his eyes.
“Please Remus. Don’t be difficult. Just come eat with us,” Lyall said.
Remus stayed quiet. Lyall stood from the mattress and made his way to the door. For a moment, he thought he was just going to leave, but his father waited at the door.
Remus lasted less than a minute before he peeled himself up from the floor and joined him.
The table was cleaned up now, and the food set up on the three untouched plates. Hope sat in her spot, staring down at the table with a focused gaze.
Remus sat in his spot, and she only looked up to offer a small smile. It was obvious none of them had much of an appetite but they each picked slowly at their plates.
Remus was the first to get up after managing to get through half his plate, before he wished his family goodnight and retreated by himself to the cellar.

Remus woke up in his bed with the blankets tucked around him. His wounds were already tended to; his arm was bandaged from his wrist to his elbow, he could feel something wrapped up around his torso and his head was light and airy, which meant that the pain relief was already coursing through his body.
He opened his eyes slowly, before he shut them again, not quite ready to move from his bed. He didn’t need Madame Pomfrey or Artemis, his father’s friend from St Mungos, to tell him to stay in bed. Today, he could make that decision all on his own.
Remus sunk deeper into the mattress with a sigh. Distantly, he could still feel the pain throbbing in his arm, and he couldn’t help but wonder how bad the cut was.
“Darling?”“Mhmm,” Remus hummed. He opened his eyes again, just for a few seconds, to see his mum sitting on the plush armchair that was usually downstairs. Lyall must have levitated it up for her.
“How are you feeling?”Remus closed his eyes as he sunk back into his pillow.
“Like shit.”
She sighed.
“I won’t lecture you on your language, this time,” she said lightly. In any other circumstance- if Remus had more energy, he would’ve rolled his eyes. Maybe he could’ve given a small chuckle, though it wasn’t funny at all.
“It’s how I feel,” Remus said. “Like shit.”
“I know, I know,” she said. “You were bleeding quite a lot when Doctor Helios and Lyall went down for you… He thinks that…”
“The argument made me lash out?” Remus finished for her.
“N-no… Just that-”“You can say it, Ma. That don’t mean you’re responsible for it… The argument had me on edge, and I was thinking about it when I transformed. It’s fine. It’s not your fault.”
Remus lulled his head to the side, looking at his mum with a soft smile. She seemed unconvinced, but she didn’t say anything. Instead, she set her knitting aside and moved to stand.
“Careful, darling,” she said, before she laid down next to him, staying on top of the covers. She wrapped an arm over his shoulder, and pulled him in close. He winced as he settled into their new position.
“What did Arti have to do for me?” Remus asked. That was always a part of the morning after. Madame Pomfrey didn’t give him the specifics of what she had to do when she took care of him, but Artemis did. It was almost surprising that he was already gone when Remus woke up. Usually, he would do a full physical in the morning.
“He checked everything when you first came to, down in the cellar… You were awake and lucid when you first woke up,” Hope started to explain.
Remus nodded. He didn’t remember that, but he could trust that it happened.
“You tore open your arm, there was- there was so much blood… Apparently he didn’t notice that you tore open your torso as well. Just by the right hip… He used a, a spell, to seal them, but they’ll probably scab over quite badly… And- and then he gave you a sleeping tonic and something for the pain. He left some things for you for later, so did the nurse from your school,” she explained. “We received one of those damn owl packages through the kitchen window this morning.” She laughed softly.
Hope was quite good at accepting a lot of things about the wizarding world. She came to terms with Remus going to a wizarding school, even if she fought to keep him in Muggle studies at first with Lyall. The enchantments around the house, Lyall’s work and the creatures that all come with it… The one thing that she couldn’t get used to was the owls delivering mail.
The Marauders must have driven her crazy all summer long. The lack of responses from Remus only fueled everyone’s eagerness to write to him. It got to the point where Hope started sending them up to Remus’ window instead of through the kitchen.
“Sorry, mum,” he said quietly.
“Don’t apologize, darling, I’m glad your nurse was looking out for you,” she said. “We’ll send you with whatever is leftover back to school… I’m sorry you have to go back for classes in the morning. You probably want to rest, don’t you?”
“No,” Remus said honestly. “I mean, I do but I like the distraction.”
It didn’t help the healing, but it kept him from going crazy rotting away in his bed.
“Speaking of distractions… Why don’t I go get some breakfast ready for you? Think you can stomach it?”
“Yeah, I might.”Hope smiled softly and nodded. She kissed the top of his head before she carefully got off the bed and left to get something ready. Remus watched as the door clicked shut, before he laid back and shut his eyes again.
He began to drift off once more as he waited, but was carefully woke again a few short minutes later when Hope reemerged with a plate of eggs, ham and toast.
She resumed her knitting as Remus ate his breakfast. Once the plate was clean, he set it aside on his nightside time.
“Would you mind grabbing my potions textbook, mum? It’s in my bag,” he said, gesturing vaguely to the corner by his desk.
“You should be resting, darling,” Hope said. She finished the stitch she was on and looked up at him.
“I have to do it, mum,” Remus said. “The exam is Friday, and I have all this free time… it just makes sense to work on it now.”
She sighed softly.
“Okay, well, I don’t agree with it,” she said as she stood. She grabbed his bag and set it on her bed.
Remus opened up his textbook and laid it out across his lap. He put another book to the side and unrolled his parchment and grabbed a muggle pen. She sighed as she settled down into the chair next to him.
“Well why don’t I help then?” she suggested.
“Mum…”
“Oh come on, darling. I can read english. It’s not like I have to understand it,” she dismissed. “Hand me the textbook, I’ll ask you questions about the recipes.”
And so that was how they spent the afternoon. Or at least, the next hour or so. Remus flagged the three potion recipes that they were expected to have memorized by Friday, and Hope flipped between all of them, asking questions about the stages and steps.
Remus wasn’t entirely sure if it was more efficient, but it was nice to sit and laugh with his mum instead of studying in silence. It was certainly more fun than just writing the recipes out repeatedly, which was his original plan. It probably didn’t do him very many favours jumping between the different facts and recipes, but occasionally she would stop and ask him to recite the potion step by step.
It took more energy out of Remus than it should’ve, and by two thirty he found himself slumping back against his pillows as his eyes began to lull shut.
“Wizards are so… odd,” Hope remarked. Remus smiled softly.“Are we?” Remus asked.
“Why would you need a potion to change your hair colour when hair dye seems much less intensive,” she asked. Remus hummed in response.
“There’s a spell as well. We learned it second year Transfigurations,” Remus said. “In my opinion, most potions can be replaced with spells.”
“Really?”
“Mmhm. Granted the potion for hair is longer lasting but… Not a potions fan,” he said.
“But you still finished at the top of your class every year,” she pointed out.
“Almost. It’s always potions that drag me down,” he said with another small laugh.
“Why worry about what’s bringing you down when so much lifts you up?” she asked. Remus stayed quiet, picking idly at the stitches on his blanket.
“I guess so,” he said.
“Do you remember making potions in the backyard?” she asked. Remus laughed.
“Out of mud and rocks?” Remus asked.
“And grass and flowers too,” she added. “I remember this one time so clearly… You were about six, and your father was brewing a mild sleeping potion for you for our train ride to visit your Grandparents. You wanted to help so badly, but Lyall wouldn’t let you because of how particular you have to be when you brew potions.”“Well yeah, you can stir the potion one extra time and it can ruin everything,” Remus said. “Or if you’re a fraction off with the weight of an ingredient… Or if you harvest something at the wrong time… It can change everything about it.”Hope smiled a knowing smile, though Remus wasn’t entirely sure what she knew that he didn’t.
“You sounded so much like him just then, you know.”
Remus scrunched his face up. The idea of being compared to his father like that… Well, it coaxed another laugh out of his mum at least.
“Sorry, darling. Anyways… So when we got to my parents, you decided you wanted to prove that you could make a better potion than him… So you found some of your Grandmother’s sleepy tea, and you went outside and brewed the tea in a bucket. I think I told her that you boiled the water with a kettle, but you did it all yourself with magic.”Remus reached over and took her hand, which she graciously accepted. He gave it a small squeeze and she squeezed back. He could remember this story, but the way her eyes were glossing over was enough for him to stay quiet and let her reminisce.
“I think you used every ounce of tea that was in that jar… And then you found stones in the garden, and harvested plums that weren’t ripe from the tree. You even tore up the camomille from my mother’s garden…”“She was so mad at me,” Remus said.
“No, no she wasn’t.”
Remus raised an eyebrow, and Hope broke out into another laugh.
“Okay, yes, she was mad at you. That garden is- was her pride and joy… right up until the very end.“But she loved you more. You were so proud when you showed off your potion… Your little hands were caked in mud as you dragged your bucket of thick, pulpy tea to the back door. You wanted all of us to try it but we couldn’t until it was bedtime because yours was going to be the most powerful sleeping draught the wizarding world has ever seen.” She laughed softly as she wiped the tears away that were prickling the corner of her eyes.
“I think your father made up some book that you’ve been reading to explain away your talk of magic, but your Grandparents always thought you just had an overactive imagination.”
A stray tear fell from her cheek, which made Remus’ eyes well up just a bit. He quickly blinked them away just as quickly as they came on.
“You were so so proud… And even though your Grandmother was so upset, she never said anything to you. She asked what you did, and then she started to cry and you started apologizing before you even knew what you did wrong…”
Remus nodded. Tears were properly streaming down her face now, and Remus was welling up just at the sight of it.
“She encouraged it though. We drank your potion and it was awful, but you were so proud…”
“And then everyone pretended we slept all week, and we had to go home,” Remus finished. “And I was devastated, because I slept through the rest of my visit with them”
“You swore off potion making so quickly right then,” she said.
“But Nan took me to the garden, and we brewed a potion to reverse time. She uh, she gave me tea afterwards, that was supposed to be the potion, and had me go back to sleep,” Remus said.
“Close your eyes-”“And count backwards from ten,” they finished together.
“And when I woke up, everything was right again,” Remus said.
“You thought the sleeping potion was all just a bad dream.”
Remus smiled softly, before he took a deep breath. Without saying anything, Remus moved over and Hope crawled into the bed with him. She wrapped her arm around him, careful not to agitate any of his bandages.
Remus rested his head on her shoulder, and she kissed the top of his head. Remus blinked back the tears, but there was no point now. They were flowing freely, much the way they were for Hope. He stayed quiet for as long as he could, before the tears turned to sniffles, which turned into a hiccup, which turned into proper sobbing.
Hope made no move to comfort him. Instead, they cried together.
For the memory. For Charity Howell. For growing up and leaving behind that childhood wonder.
“You know,” Hope said, through a particularly harsh sob. “I-I really wish she got to know all of you.”
“All of me?” Remus asked. The question stunted him for just long enough to wipe at his eyes, and look up at his mum with a furrow in his eyebrows.
“All of you. Not just- not just the muggle side of you. I wish you got to talk to her about school the way you talked about it to me. I wish we could’ve been honest about what school you were attending… And- and that maybe, I don’t know. Maybe you would’ve- could’ve-”
“Mum,” Remus said softly. “I- I couldn’t have done anything to save them. I- I didn’t have my wand or-”“That’s not what I’m talking about, darling. I know there was nothing that could’ve been done… Trust me, I replay that night every time I go to bed. You did everything you should’ve, Remus. I don’t blame you for anything that happened,” she cut him off. She ran a hand through Remus’ hair, and he closed his eyes as he buried himself against her shoulder again. Slowly, he tried to take a proper breath. To calm himself down.
“I’m sorry,” he said.
“You have nothing to apologize for,” Hope said. “Don’t ever think for a second that you do, okay Remus? You did everything right… You found time. You defended yourself until you couldn’t… And you came out alive. That’s all I could’ve asked for.”“But-”“No buts. I love you just the way you are. There is absolutely nothing in this world that can change that, do you understand?”“Mum-”“Do you understand, Remus?”A beat.
“Yes, mum. I do.”
“Do you believe me?” she asked, a slight crack in her voice.
Remus took a deep, shaky breath.
“I might be able to.”

----- CHAPTER BREAK -----

When Remus returned to Hogwarts Sunday night, it was well past dinner, but not quite curfew. McGonagall welcomed him back with a short conversation, before she eagerly dismissed him from her office. He couldn’t blame her, he wasn’t up for much conversation either.

He was starving though. Dinner at home was nowhere near enough for him, but he didn’t want to rush away from home just to make the feast at Hogwarts. Considering the way his mum didn’t leave his side after they cried into each other’s arms for much longer than Remus cared to admit, he figured he owed it to her to stay as long as he possibly could.

It was fine though.

Instead of making his way straight up to Gryffindor tower, Remus made his way downstairs to the kitchens.

He managed to get an arrangement of leftovers, and a small box full of pastries and breads. It was more than enough for him, but it was hard not to admit that it was tempting to eat all of it right there in the kitchens. He stashed the box of pastries in his bag, but carried the plate of leftovers with care. Even with a lid covering it, he didn’t want to risk it.

By the time he made it back up to the common room, it was getting close to curfew. He took the stairs two at a time and slipped into his dorm.

“Remus!”

He looked over and gave Peter a small smile, before he dropped his things on his bed.

“How are your parents?”

“Fine,” Remus said. “Best as they can be, I suppose.”

From the bathroom, the shower turned off, and the curtain was drawn back. Remus sat on his bed and pulled out the pastries, not wanting to accidentally crush them when he tossed his bag on the floor to give him more room.

“Oh! Did you make a run to the kitchens?” Peter asked.

“Er- yeah,” he said.

“Can I have one?” Peter asked. Remus glanced down at the food. That was his fault for bringing it out so blatantly, he supposed. There were six pastries… He really only needed one.

“Go ahead, just don’t take the cherry one,” Remus said. He slid back against his headboard with his plate of food, and uncapped the lid. Peter took his time studying all of the pastries, before he grabbed one and made his way to his bed, leaving crumbs along the floor as the dough flaked away.

“Where’s the others?” Remus asked. He could hear someone getting dressed in the bathroom. Well, he could hear

Sirius

from the bathroom. It was hard to

not

hear his singing.

“Sirius is in the bathroom,” Peter said through a mouthful of lemon and blueberry custard. “James is out on parol.”

“Right,” Remus said with a small nod.

One of his duties as a Prefect.

Remus wondered how different it would’ve been if

he

got the role. He was supposed to, which was a fact that he could’ve gone his entire life without learning. It was a passing remark from McGonagall, he couldn’t even remember

when

it happened. Perhaps she had implied something at the end of fourth year, or at the beginning of fifth. It was all so hazy now. A part of him didn’t even want to be a prefect; regardless of what happened last summer, but he couldn’t help wondering about the

what ifs.

By time Sirius emerged from the bathroom, Remus was already almost done with his plate of food, and had moved on to one of the pastries, which he carefully ate over his plate to keep the crumbs from falling onto his lap.

“Lupe! You’re back!” Sirius exclaimed. He seemed to be running towards his bed, before he noticed the box of pastries proudly displayed on it, and he thought better than to lunge onto his mattress. Which Remus was thankful for. He didn’t know if he could handle the pain of being trampled.

“Saved you a cherry pastry,” Remus said, nodding towards the box. He didn’t want to talk about his weekend with his friends, and if he could distract them with the pastries… Well, he would.

“Cheers, mate,” he said, grabbing it from the box before he crossed the room to his section.

“Parents alright?”

“Best as they can be,” he repeated. “Didn’t do much. My mum just wanted me around, I think,” he continued vaguely. “Brought back some tea though.”

“Tea? Course you did,” Sirius laughed. “Did you pick up some new books while you were there, too?”

Remus stiffened. “No.”

Technically, he had four books tucked away in his bag, but they weren’t

new

. He took them from his mum’s pile of finished books before he left that evening. They weren’t

new

though. He wasn’t about to give Sirius that satisfaction.

“How was Hogsmeade, then?” Remus asked.

“James and Lily did

not

go on a date, if that’s what you’re asking,” Sirius said. “But she did join us for drinks at The Three Broomsticks with Mary and Marlene though.”

“Yeah?” Remus hummed.

“I don’t even think he asked her out,” Peter chimed in. “I mean-

to

Hogsmeade. He’s been going on about his dreams all weekend.”

“Do

not

ask him about his dreams, it’s all bollocks,” Sirius said, pointing that at Remus. “He’s convinced that his dreams are telling him that Lily is going to forgive him and their relationship is going to prosper and bloom. I blame Divinations- we should have

never

started taking it seriously.”

“Did you ever take it seriously, though?” Remus asked.

“

I

didn’t, because I am sane. Our dear lover boy, however, is not,” Sirius said with a dramatic sigh.

“Anyways. We all walked down together, and made all the usual stops. You know, Honeydukes, Zonkos, all that. Pete accidentally ate a laughing candy from Zonkos

instead

of what he bought at Honeydukes and we spent ten minutes just trying to calm him down.”

“I mean it gave

you

the idea to-”

“After that, we ran into the girls. James tried to ask Lily out-”

“No he didn’t!” Peter cut him off. “He didn’t. He just said

hi

to her.”

Sirius barked out a laugh.

“Sure. If that’s what you want to call it. Lupe- you’re Lily, alright? This is what he did.”

Sirius stood up. He messed up his hair, and pushed up pretend glasses on his nose before he walked over. Remus watched, one eyebrow raised, as Sirius tried to contort his face into a distinctly James expression.

“Hey Evans! What are you up to?”

Remus smiled.

Sirius dropped his act for a second just to say, “

Pretend to be Evans!

”

“Oh. Uh, none of your business, Potter?” Remus said. Sirius melted back into his James impression.

“Why, your shoulder is looking awfully lonely there. Mind if I help with that?” he asked. Sirius sat down next to Remus, half shoving him over on his own bed, before he snaked his arm around his shoulder. Remus looked over at him, more amused with the reenactment than he was tied up with the fact that Sirius was extremely close.

Peter’s snort brought him back to the room.

“He did not,” Remus said.

“He did!” Sirius said, laughing. “He did! And then she brushed him off like nothing happened! She didn’t even react.”

“They stuck with us after that though. We’d done anything and everything there was to do, so we all settled in our usual booth at The Three Broomsticks. I had a butterbeer in your honour, of course. We left your chair open and everything,” Sirius rambled.

“Sounds like you were treating me like I was dead,” Remus said.

“That was only Sirius,” Peter said.

Remus became acutely aware of the fact that Sirius’ arm never left his shoulder as they recounted their day. He smiled and laughed, and he never actually apologized for snapping at Remus when he thought he’d be miserable all Saturday.

He went for his own sake, but it was the fact that he told him that his

mum

wasn’t doing well, and he still got angry. Would he have felt the same if Remus didn’t lie, and told him the real reason why he had to leave? Or would they still have fought, and ended up right here in the same circumstances?

“Don’t let me forget, Lupe, I grabbed you those quills you like- the inking ones? They had all these new colours, I didn’t know which ones you’d want so I just… got them all,” Sirius said.

Remus looked over, and suddenly the anger that was starting to fizzle up in his chest dispersed, and he smiled at Sirius. It was almost cruel how easy he could dismiss things just because Sirius did something nice to cancel it out.

“Thank you,” Remus said.

“Course.”

“Merlin, you two! You look like you’re about to snog all over the bed,” Peter cried.

“Relax, Pete. We’ll get a room first,” Sirius said.

Remus pulled back, going as far as to get off his own bed. Sirius’ arm fell without anything supporting it.

“I should get ready for bed,” Remus said. It was easier to pretend that

didn’t

happen then. He grabbed a change of clothes, before he made his way to the bathroom.

As he shut the door, he heard Sirius sigh dramatically, but he said nothing to Peter. In another circumstance, he could see Sirius chewing Peter out. He’d seen it happen before. He didn’t know what the different circumstances

could’ve

been… Making that comment towards Sirius and a girl as they actually

were

going to kiss, maybe? Ruining a proper moment.

It wasn’t like Sirius chewed Peter out for ruining their moment last summer though… Maybe that wasn’t a moment at all.

Remus wasn’t entire sure how they ended up upstairs, away from the party. He had mentioned something about ditching his jumper because it was too hot. Sirius had followed him up, rambling on about something to do with the records even though all the necessary ones had already been brought downstairs.

Remus tossed his jumper onto his bed before he sat down. His head spun gently from the Witches Brew he had been nursing all night. He closed his eyes before he sunk back against his mattress, laying down to stare at the top of his canopy.

“Think I might go to bed,” he muttered. Sirius gasped, before he sat down next to him. The mattress dipped, and Remus exaggerated how much it made him roll over against him.

“You can’t go to bed! It’s not even midnight,” Sirius said. He nudged Remus once. Then a second time, with a bit more force. Then a third, and that time it was enough to get him to sit up again.

Once they were sat, shoulder to shoulder, Remus nudged him back. Hard.

Sirius laughed, but didn’t continue the fight. Instead he just sighed softly. His head sunk down, and rested on Remus’ shoulder. He didn’t make any move to object.

Remus looked over at him, his half lidded eyes watching him with a careful gaze. He had been so full of energy a few seconds ago, and now he almost looked like he had been frozen in place.

There was quiet. A long stretch of quiet before…

“You’re beautiful, Remus. Do you know that?”

Remus’ breath caught in his throat. Slowly, he reached over and took Sirus’ hand, lacing their fingers together slowly.

“I’ve heard some people say it… Just a couple times,” he said hesitantly.

The lantern’s glow was soft in the dorm room, the laughter from the party down below carried up the stairs. Sirius’s hand never left Remus’s. They sat side by side, with Sirius’s head buried in the crook of Remus’s neck. He closed his eyes, and drank in the moment.

“I think you should be told it more… So much more.”

Remus closed his eyes.

“You’re pretty beautiful too, Sirius.”

“Oh I know.”

They both laughed. Remus opened his mouth to spit out some sort of retort, but when he found he had nothing more to say, he decided to close it instead.

Sirius sat up and looked over at him, a soft glow in his eyes. His smile was a little lopsided from the fire whiskey the two had stolen from downstairs. His gaze wandered from Remus’s eyes, to his hand, to his lips…

“Remus, can I-”

Remus blinked. He hadn’t dwelled on that night since they got back from Hogwarts. Somewhere between the moons, studying and just being around Sirius again, he forgot about how it plagued him all summer. Replaying every detail, wishing he had locked the door or leaned in quicker. Maybe drank a bit more.

He checked his bandages, but none of them were quite ready to be changed yet. He’d have to wait until later in the night, which was fine. It was all fine.

At midnight, once he was sure his friends were settled into their own beds, Remus retreated into the bathroom.

He casted a silencing charm on the room, and then he showered, using the hot water to help remove the bandages stuck to his skin with dried blood. He carefully washed his skin, letting the pressure of the water massage away the aches in his bones. His skin was bright red once he finished, but the relief was enough to justify it. Even if he knew the water wasn’t good for the wounds.

Remus dried off and grabbed his pyjama pants, before he started working on the bandages. It would’ve been easier to go see Madame Pomfrey, but he wasn’t going to go wake her up now. His arm was the easy one to rebandage. He just had to rub the salve over it, and wrap it around his arm until it was covered. It was almost healed, at least. He’d probably be able to ditch the bandages altogether in the morning if the extended water exposure didn’t cause any set backs.

It was his ribs that were the issue. The claw marks stretched from under his armpit, down at an angle all the way to his pelvis. He used his hand to trace the marks- to try to imagine what he could’ve done that managed such a drastic slash, but it was hard. No scenario in his head made sense. Not during the transformation, not during the eight agonizing hours (that he couldn’t remember), not during the transformation

back

.

It was a cruel joke. He’d rather be chained down to a metal board than have to wonder how he hurt himself.

Remus scooped up a generous amount of the salve that Artemis left for him. It was sticky and left behind a slightly yellow residue against his skin. It smelt faintly of tree sap and pine needles. Nothing like what Madame Pomfrey gave him. They were both professionals though. He was sure it would work just the same.

The door suddenly opened with a slow creaking dread. He barely had time to react, the salve still scooped up in his hand.

He looked up just in time to meet Sirius’ wide eyes. He quickly wiped what was still in his hands on a towel, and grabbed his shirt to hold in front of himself. He crossed his arms protectively over his chest, and stepped back as Sirius stepped into the bathroom and shut the door.

“What the

hell

Remus?!” Sirius whispered.

“It’s nothing,” Remus said. “What are you doing barging in on me, anyways?”

“I didn’t realize someone was in here! You didn’t lock the door,” Sirius said. “Now drop the shirt.”

“That’s a little forward, Black.”

Sirius glared at him. Remus stared back, a small smile on his lips.

“Not funny,” Sirius said. “Let me see.”

Remus hesitated before he dropped the shirt on the floor. For a moment, Sirius just stared. He opened his mouth to speak, but shut it again. Remus tore his attention away, instead staring at his tired reflection in the mirror.

Sirius sighed, before he grabbed a cloth and soaked it in the sink.

“You used too much,” Sirius said. He looked towards the edge of the bath and raised his eyebrows, before he nodded in that direction. Remus took the cue, and sat down, straightening up his posture.

He closed his eyes as Sirius wiped away the ointment, and then grabbed his jar. Remus opened his eyes just enough to watch Sirius stare at the unmarked container.

“What is this supposed to be, anyways?” Sirius asked.

“Dunno. Something that’s supposed to help… It- it does help,” Remus said.

Sirius rubbed a bit between his thumb and pointer finger, but it didn’t take much for him to be convinced. He scooped up a bit more, and began to rub it carefully into the wounds. As his hand moved upwards on his torso, Remus lifted his arm and closed his eyes, silently willing for this to just be a dream.

Remus stayed quiet as Sirius rebandaged his chest. At one point, he prompted Remus to take a deep breath and hold it to make sure that they weren’t done up too tightly.

“Did you do your arm properly?” Sirius asked.

“Yeah. I didn’t use as much… That one’s practically healed,” Remus said.

“Can I check it?” Sirius asked. Remus was about to object, but one glance his way told Remus that it wasn’t a question, he was going to check it.

If it meant Sirius wasn’t going to ask about them, he could bear through it.

They fell back into the silence again as Sirius undid the bandage. Apparently he had done everything right, and it was enough that Sirius just wrapped it up again carefully and secured the bandage.

Remus didn’t say anything as he stood. Sirius just sat there as Remus shrugged on his jumper, before he gathered up all his things haphazardly.

“Thanks, mate,” he muttered. “Sorry to uh, keep you.”

“It’s fine, Lupe,” Sirius said. “How did you-”

“There was just an accident,” Remus said. “We can talk later, just, please don’t tell the others?

“If you tell me what happened,” Sirius said.

“I’m tired, please… In the morning,” Remus said. Sirius deflated, his spine curling in on himself as he sighed. He didn’t like that answer, but Remus wasn’t going to give him anything more than that.

He didn’t even know what to say to Sirius, and it seemed like that was a two way street. The way Sirius didn’t say anything… and he just started working on the first aid… It was as if a switch went off and he just knew what he had to do.

The next morning, Remus got up as soon as Sirius and James left for their Quidditch practice. He was exhausted, and wanted nothing more than to sleep in until the last possible second, but he knew that he wanted to avoid Sirius at all cost. If that meant leaving before he got a chance to come back, that would just have to be what he did.

He gathered his things and made his way to the library. Breakfast wasn’t served yet, but the common room wasn’t far enough away from his dorm to feel safe.

He knew he would have to give Sirius a story eventually, but he didn’t know what to say. He planned for the absences, and the cover story for where he was all summer, and the headaches or

minor

injuries, but he never thought to have a story for his healing wounds. His plan was always just… to hide them. But now Sirius knew about them, and probably about all the other healed scars too. The one on his face was easy enough to explain away, but what about the rest of them?

It was too early to stress about that though. He was barely awake as he dragged his feet to his favourite table in the library, and then had to fight to keep his head up as he once again went through the steps of brewing those stupid potions.

He yawned, and set his chin in his hand as he absently copied the steps by memory.

He closed his eyes, just for a moment, and then blinked back awake. He had no idea how his friends got up and worked out every morning. Remus would fall off of his broom during the warm up laps around the pitch, that he was certain of.

He should’ve just stayed in bed. Peter was probably still asleep, snoring loudly, undisturbed by the rising sun because of his curtains' black out ability.

Remus set his quill back into its inkwell and closed his eyes again. He wasn’t going to fall asleep at the desk… His neck and back would seize up and he’d be even more miserable all day.

Slowly, his head grew heavy and lulled to the side, before he let it drop into his arms, on the table.

Just a few minutes, he decided in a floaty, hazy state. Just a few minutes and then he would wake up.

Properly

. Vaguely, he cast an alarm charm on the nearest object (which he was almost certain was a textbook… He hoped), and tucked his wand away into his pocket.

Remus startled awake with a small flinch. He opened his eyes, and stared straight ahead. He took a deep breath, before he slowly sat up. On the floor, his text book laid face down, along with scrap pieces of parchment.

He picked it up, and reorganized the papers. He took another breath as he set it back down on the table to settle his racing heart.

Somewhere distantly, in the back of his mind, the traces of a nightmare snaked through his mind. A forest. Darkness.A new moon but the transformation had begun, and he hadn’t been prepared.

Nothing else had been touched while he was asleep, only now a paper bag was sitting beside his inkwell. He looked around, the footsteps from his dream still echoing in his mind, before he picked it up.

Instead was a potion bottle, big enough to hold at least six doses of the maroon potion that was inside. There was a small note tied around the neck of the bottle, which he grabbed and quickly unfolded.

Something a bit stronger than what Madame Pomfrey will give you. Page 43.

The neat but slightly smudged, cursive
writing was instantly recognizable, and Remus grabbed the diary from the bottom of his bag. Sure enough, it was the same writing as that note on the front page.

I’m sorry.

He flipped through the pages until he landed on page 43; it was one of the potion recipes he flagged. It was simply titled

Healing Draught V3

. At first glance, it looked like it was just a normal healing potion, until he took a better look at the ingredient list.

It was, for the most part, familiar to what he learned about in Fourth year, but then it started to deviate. There was lavender (fresh, not dried), peppermint oil, jewelweed and mandrake root extract listed, none of which were in any normal recipe. If anything they seemed to counteract each other. Lavender and peppermint tended to have a more calming effect, but the jewelweed was a key factor in a pepper up potion.

Still, from the aches in his body, to the headache, to the wounds still healing on his torso, he’d take just about anything. Artemis sent him back to Hogwarts with some things, but he much preferred the potions Madame Pomfrey gave him last month. He wasn’t even sure if he was going to touch the rest of the things he sent Remus with.

But he wasn’t going to go bother Madame Pomfrey now. She was under the impression that Remus was cared for for the month, and the last thing he wanted to do was bother her.

Did he trust the potion though?

He skimmed the instructions again. The colour matched the instructions perfectly, and so did the smell. It was an easy enough brew… And he had already established in his mind that this person wasn’t his enemy, right?

Remus glanced around, before he brought the bottle up to his lips. He sipped it, just barely taking a small mouthful before he corked it again and stashed it away in his bag.

Almost instantly, a small warmth began to flood outwards from his stomach. The pain wasn’t overly bad already, so the change was subtle, but he did feel

better.

He’d still be patient though, and make sure the little bit he tried didn’t have any delayed effects before he took any more.

He was more awake now, like the potion offered a small buzz of caffeine, but decided that there was no use in forcing himself to try to study. There was no use trying to cram in more now before breakfast, when he knew exactly where he’d be tonight anyways.

Not to mention the fact that the library felt… less empty now that his mystery gift giver stopped by.

He packed his things away quickly, and made his way back up to Gryffindor tower.

James and Sirius were already back from practice when Remus opened the door to their dorm. James was getting dressed, Sirius looked like he was trying to get a bit more sleep before they had to go down to breakfast.

“Where have you been?” James asked. Remus shrugged as he put his things down. He pulled the potion (which he had the sense to wrap in his jumper back in the library) out of his bag and carefully shoved it under his bed. Then he emptied out the textbooks he didn’t need for the day.

“Library. Was trying to get those damn potions memorized,” he said.

Peter groaned, sliding a face down his hand.

“Please don’t remind me of those! I haven’t even got the stupid

peace draught

memoized yet! Have you got all three?” he asked.

“Barely. I mean, I’ve got the basic steps all done, but it’s always the little details I forget,” Remus said. “What about you two?”

“I’ll figure it out on Friday. I think if you just remember the properties of the ingredients, it’ll be fine,” James said.

“I’ve been too busy dealing with

other

potion work to be worrying about class,” Sirius chimed in. At some point, he had sat up and was apparently fully attentive to the conversation. He looked between the three of them, before he caught Remus’ eyes and winked.

He stiffened, staring at Sirius as he turned his attention to James.

“I’ll just have to copy off of you,” he said with a laugh. James rolled his eyes.

“We’ll probably be sitting across the room, idiot,” James said. “You’ll be fine though. Since, you know.”

“I know.”

“How uh, how was practice?” Remus asked, wanting to change the topic before his mind got a chance to wander.

“Oh. Had to cut it short,” James said. “Accidentally double booked the field with Hufflepuff. Since they’re playing this weekend against Slytherin, we let ‘em have it.”

“When did you get back here?” Remus asked.

“Dunno. I made my way back… Maybe half passed six? Decided to shower here instead of the change rooms,” James said. “When did you get up, Sirius?”

“Not long after you. I just had something to check on first,” Sirius said. Remus looked at him, waiting for him to say something more. To glance in his direction and say anything, but he didn’t.

Sirius couldn’t have though, right? He hated brewing potions. He wouldn’t have willingly gone out of his way to brew something for him. Remus didn’t even want to entertain the idea.

Besides, he’d ruled him out. He hadn’t given him the journal, so he couldn’t have given him the potion.

There was no need for him to get worked up. He was reading between the lines. Trying to find secret answers that weren’t there. That was all.