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Shuichi had blacked out, his entire body was numb, he couldn’t tell where his feet began and where his hands ended. A bolt of pain struck Shuichi, slamming into his bones and making his ribcage cave. Gasping for air, the sudden feeling of his body came back to him, pinpricks along his hands, arms, legs, and lower back. Opening his eyes, Shuichi only saw pure white and black dots dancing along his vision. Everything was painful, his body ached and his head was pounding. Gasping for air, Shuichi turned his head, although painful he saw light blue curtains around him.
There was a beeping sound, not just next to him, but all around him. Some further away than others, the pinpricks on his skin slowly went away, and Shuichi stiffly moved his fingers and toes to make sure he still had all of them. His breathing slowed down, but was still somewhat erratic.
He couldn’t remember anything, a blank canvas as Shuichi tried to recall how he ended up in this room. Staring at the ceiling, Shuichi racked his memory on what happened, blurred images of faces passed by, voices nothing but muffled under a slew of water. The only thing that remained were vague feelings. Anger, sadness, relief, and so many more.
Shuichi felt tears slip from the corner of his eyes, but he didn’t know why. Crying didn’t seem appropriate. Could he scream? What exactly? There wasn’t anyone he was mad at, or hated. No one came to mind. Maybe that’s why Shuichi was crying. He didn’t remember the faces or names of anyone who he’d met, had he even met people? Was it all an elaborate dream, was he in a coma?
Questions upon questions stacked on each other and Shuichi didn’t know when he stopped crying and began to just pitifully slam his fists onto the bed. Everything was too much, he didn’t know what happened, and he
wanted
to know what happened.
It took a painfully long time before someone showed up. A doctor and two nurses had pushed past the blue curtain and stared at Shuichi in shock. He’d long since stopped crying, and resorted to just sitting up and staring at the heart monitor. They asked him questions, he nodded or shook his head, that’s all he could do. One of the nurses stayed behind and tried to get Shuichi to talk, but he couldn’t. His throat was dry, and even if he
could
speak, Shuichi knew that he
didn’t
want to speak.
Days passed in blurs and Shuichi was tempted to just wither away. Check-ups after check-ups, only divided when Shuichi was allowed to use the restroom and eat. Eventually a new face came into the room, one he felt he
should
recognize but didn’t.
A woman who had shoulder-length blonde hair, some of it was pulled back into a ponytail. Her eyes were a bright light blue, and she was wearing eyeliner and some blush. The woman’s outfit was casual
(maybe professional?)
, a simple button-up shirt and a knee length black skirt
(no, it had to be ripped jeans…)
, she was also wearing platforms, adding a few extra inches to her already demanding height.
Shuichi tilted his head at her, which she returned.
“Mr. Saihara, this is Ms. Enoshima, she’ll be helping you readjust.” The doctor introduced the two of them.
Shuichi nodded, leaning back into his pillows and picking lint off of the blanket. He zoned out, not listening to the doctor or even looking at him, or Ms. Enoshima. She
seemed
nice, but Shuichi had a voice in the back of his head nudging him to not trust her, that she was dangerous.
“... You’ll be moved into your own room down on the fifth floor.”
He nodded once again.
Ms. Enoshima was okay. Shuichi could tell she was just doing whatever she was told by those above her, she wasn’t nice but she wasn’t mean. At least to Shuichi, she never raised her voice at him, he couldn’t say the same for the poor employees who either got a nasty glare or straight up just had her yelling at them in the hallways.
More people woke up, but Shuichi was pretty much alone until Harukawa and Yumeno came to the fifth floor. He thinks those are their names, he’s not too sure and he might just be misremembering. Or where are other people?
“How’s it going?”
Shuichi looked over at Ms. Enoshima, she was wearing a simple red dress that day
(or was it blue?)
. He simply shrugged, still trying to discern his emotions. One-on-one therapy had been helping, but it was still difficult to communicate what he needed when he refused to talk.
“Anything I can do to help? Ms. Enoshima was about to stand next to him.
Alarm went off and Shuichi quickly shook his head, turning away from her. He didn’t want her near him, but she was nice. Something wasn’t right. Shuichi couldn’t pin it down, and it made his head go fuzzy.
“Okay.” The sound of her boots against the floor echoed away from Shuichi.
Breathing a little once more, Shuichi shuddered. He had
no reason
to feel this way about Ms. Enoshima, but everything about her seemed to put Shuichi on edge and he didn’t know why. No one was going to tell him, they kept everything from them, dancing around questions and making excuses.
Shuichi decided to go to the roof for some air.
More people were moved to the fifth floor, Shuichi’s head spun as he was now in a room with more people he couldn’t pin names to. As they spoke their names, they went in one ear and out the other. Shuichi tried to write their names down in his journal, but they were quick to leave his mind. Maybe they weren’t worth remembering? But, all of them stirred up strong enough emotions, so they
must
be worth remembering. How come he didn’t remember them though?
One of them came up to Shuichi casually, as if they’d known each other for years. He was taller than Shuichi, his hair was purple and he wore a jacket with galaxy print on the inside. The man tried to sling his arm around Shuichi, but he was quicker. Dodging the move, it wasn’t right, a simple casual gesture but Shuichi only saw red when the man’s arm went up and around him.
He stumbled a bit, shock and confusion as he blinked at Shuichi.
Avoiding his eyes, Shuichi quickly bowed and hurried off. Deciding to pay his therapist an early visit.
“You’re doing a lot of avoiding.” Ms. Enoshima was sitting on the ledge.
Shuichi had his back to the railing, the breeze sending shivers and shakes over his body, but it was welcomed.
“
Too many people, they seemed to remember. I don’t.
”
He showed her the whiteboard, seeing her eyes dart over his words as she nodded.
“Do you know their names?” She asked.
Shuichi shook his head. Ms. Enoshima jumped from her spot, telling him to stay put and wandered back inside. Shuichi stayed where he was, letting his mind wander around to nothing in particular. Actually, a lot of things plagued his mind. While he wasn’t the only one to not remember, it was
only
him, Harukawa and Yumeno who’s memories had slipped away. Everyone else could remember, maybe not
everything
, but bits and pieces.
He remembered one of the girls, blonde hair and light brown eyes. She hugged him quickly, tears in her eyes. Shuichi had thrown her back, disgust and uncomfortable unease under his skin when she hugged him. Everyone had seen it, she looked confused, and tried to talk to him. But, he didn’t
know
her, she was a stranger, she knew
him
. Harukawa stepped in, placing herself between Shuichi and the strange girl, asserting herself and telling her to back off for a while.
Shuichi felt like he
should’ve
recognized her, but unfortunately everything about her escaped his memories.
“Here.”
He looked up as Ms. Enoshima sat beside him, handing him multiple photos of the others on the fifth floor. Each had their name at the bottom of the photo.
“These are their names, to help you try and remember,” Ms. Enoshima explained.
Shuichi nodded, writing a
‘thank you’
on his white board and looking at each picture. There was doubt that he would remember their names and put them to each of their faces. He
just
got Harukawa and Yumeno’s names down, the others were going to be more difficult.
A ghost of a scream tore through Shuichi’s throat, trapping him in a haze of blurred lines and colours dancing in his vision. His room was
too
warm and his body was freezing. Grabbing a blanket, Shuichi bundled himself up and left his room. The hallways were frigid, with each step against the polish floor, Shuichi felt bumps form on his body. Shuffling into the kitchen, the sky was just beginning to light up from the dark blues.
Shuichi always found himself up far earlier than what was recommended. Nightmares of memories he should have quickly faded into the black abyss of his mind, leaving him with nothing but the feeling of dread and sorrow on the back of his tongue. He found himself making tea more often, maybe he used to be into coffee, Shuichi found his memory to be pretty unreliable at all times.
Constantly fighting with himself on what
was
and
wasn’t
real, he didn’t know who to trust or if he should trust anyone. Harukawa and Yumeno were safe options, mostly due to their lack of memories as well, but everyone else was up for debate.
Watching the kettle slowly boil the water, Shuichi felt a spike of anxiety, a strong sense of something
wrong
.
Quickly, he grabbed a knife on the magnetic rack and spun around. Pointing the sharp object at the intruder.
Enoshima was standing just before the doorway, staring at Shuichi with wide eyes. His breath had picked up, sharp and painful against his chest as he stared at her, slowly she walked into the kitchen. She wasn’t with her platforms, making her much smaller, but still taller then Shuichi.
“Sorry.” Her voice was low, Shuichi barely heard her over the sound of his pulse beating inside his head.
She didn’t get closer to him, and instead opened the fridge.
Shuichi felt his body shaking, he slowly lowered the knife, but kept his grip on the potential weapon. His palms were sweating and he felt sweat slowly drip down the back of his shirt. Everything was ringing, but thankfully Enoshima wasn’t talking.
The kettle clicked and Shuichi reached for a mug and some tea, watching Enoshima as she cracked open four eggs into a pan.
“I’m not going to hurt you,” She stated firmly.
Logically, Shuichi knew that, but there was
always
the possibility. Shuichi knew from experience, an experience he couldn’t remember. Trusting someone was risky, and Shuichi couldn’t do that.
He let the tea soak, and after a few minutes, Shuichi placed the knife back onto the magnetic rack. Enoshima didn’t move from her spot as Shuichi placed his back against the counter and slowly drank his tea, careful not to burn his tongue.
“How have things been going with the others?” She asked. “Been getting along with them?”
He tone was like a mother, asking her child if they were getting along with the kids at their new school. Shuichi didn’t know how to feel about it, she was concerned but not by much. Feelings were hard and Shuichi tried to pull one or two from the muddled mess that was mind. He simply shrugged.
A few of them he got along with, some were difficult. Particularly the tall man with purple hair and the woman with blonde hair that tried to hug him. They both stirred up a flurry of emotions that got Shuichi frazzled, every time they spoke to him he looked at them and things became confusing. Neither good nor bad emotions, purely neutral and Shuichi didn’t know how to feel.
“Has writing in your journal helped?” Enoshima asked.
Shuichi nodded.
His life had become more mundane as time went on, writing in his journal helped him find differences and the days didn’t blend together as often. It also helped him remember what happened, most of the time, sometimes Shuichi missed one or two days and found that he couldn't remember
anything
. Harukawa and Yumeno were a wonderful help, providing small details that they noticed Shuichi did on the days that he missed.
He liked writing in his journal, it made things easier on his mind, and Shuichi could navigate his feelings better.
“That’s good, glad to hear that it’s helping you.”
Shuichi looked at Enoshima, she smiled at him.
She was constant in his life now, being provided to him so he could slowly work his way back into society as a normal well-adjusted adult. But, Shuichi felt like he was constantly declining. He was missing something he didn’t know what it was, maybe that’s why… He hummed and went back to drinking his tea.
Shuichi was better now, at least that’s what the doctors told him. He wasn’t better, he knew that, but he chose to believe the doctors, opting to move into a small apartment with loads of money that he gained from the virtual game show that caused him millions of problems.
He could live comfortably now, away from the prying eyes, concerned looks, and hesitant conversations from the other participants. Shuichi still didn’t know them well, names slipped as he grew into a new normal of taking walks out in the city.
Enoshima still visited him, got him a phone and kept in touch, wanting to make sure that if he ever needed something she’d be there for him.
Shuichi knew that she kept her word, calling her at three in the morning just to have her talk about her day as he cried through a nightmare he couldn’t quite remember when his eyes opened. She kept him from rotting away on days where everything was just too little, Enoshima introduced him to some of her friends, faces he knew he should’ve recognised but didn’t.
Life was getting better, and Shuichi just wanted to keep it that way.
“Are you feeling up for that?” Junko asked, tilting her head down to look Shuichi in the eyes.
He nodded, a trip to Okinawa was something Shuichi needed, or rather wanted. Something about the place drew Shuichi in and he couldn’t help but yearn to go to the island. The solitude of the place made Shuichi happy, the city wasn’t the best place for him, too many people and too many sounds.
“If you say so.” Junko chuckled, ruffling his hair.
Shuichi laughed, one of the few times he made noise. Talking had become a burden, but Shuichi found that he didn’t mind, he could be more expressive with his body language and picked up Japanese Sign Language.
“
Who’s going with us?
” Shuichi Signed, curious on who Junko was planning on bringing.
“Mhm?” Junko tilted her head. “Oh, it’s just going to be us.”
Shuichi paused, staring at her.
“I mean, I can bring others along. But, I was thinking it could just be a me and you trip!” She gave him a toothy smile.
He stared at her before smiling at her as well, nodding as he joined her side once again.