Work Text
ACT IPROLOGUE
One town, brought together in peacefulness,
In fair Arkansas, where we lay our scene,
From pent up emotions break to catastrophe,
Where a child’s schemes make civilians panic.
From forth the very best best of this small town,
A group of determined students go on a quest;
On misadventures to rescue their mayor.
Through life and death to see it through.
To save and make a friend or two.
And the scheming of the enemy’s rage,
Which, but only they, nought could remove,
Is now the multichapter traffic of our stage;
The which if you with very patient ears attend,
Shall witness bad writing, jokes, and friends.(Shakespeare is rolling in his grave I guarantee)
Now it was on the seventeenth day of January, in the 24th year of the 21st century, that I came in to play. You see, I had a vision. A vision resembling the prophetic visions of biblical times. In this vision, a higher being descended from the heavens and spoke to me. “Be not afraid, child. I am here to grant you a blessing. One of divine grace and of high eloquence.” Then I awoke. It was then clear to me that I had to write a book. Not just any book, but the second greatest book of all time. A book so grandiose that by the time I’ll have finished, it’ll be a thousand page masterpiece. Of course only a genius such as myself could compose such a piece. I just had to write this down immediately. So here I am, two in the morning, writing a revolutionary piece of literature (To go down in the history books), with only half a brain, and a severe lack of sleep. What? Expected something formal and proper? No. Abstract writing is the way my mind works, so it is such that will be put on this script. A view into my psyche? Yes most likely. I don’t know, nor do I have the power to care. Either way, the story will be ingenious, and the people in town will love me once I’ve published this. Oh yes, the story. Guess we should get on then shouldn’t we? But wouldn’t you like to hear more about me first? No? Yes? Okay then? Good? Off we go?Once upon a time, there lived a small town by the name of Piggott, and Piggott was what it was called. Piggott was an average town, no different from any other town really. You could go straight through Piggott into the next town without even realizing you had crossed the city limits. The people of this town varied from friendly, to dangerous, and from slobbish bums, to snobbish trash. Here, mansions and trash houses live together in harmony. In stating that the town of Piggott was a terrible place to be, would be both an overstatement yet still very much an understatement. In many ways it was good and in many ways it was bad. Thus, neither is more applicable. That’s just how it is.The school dwellers weren’t too bright either, tending more to take after their parents than to actually apply themselves. The students trudged through the repetitive cycle of school, only for the fact that they could not yet drop out. School seemed a dreadful waste to them, as it does many throughout the world, and it will continue to be so for the foreseeable future.So in the 20th year, of the 21st century, in the town of Piggott, we find our person of interest, a small boy, the age of 13. 13? Yes 13. Now, this boy was named Christian after the religion of which he was a part of. Now, this boy was the exception to everything I described about Piggott schools. He enjoyed school. He was intelligent, un-athletic, unattractive, and as skinny as a toothpick. So pretty much your average nerd. He was boring. He talked in tongues no one understood, he did his work, he tried to avoid talking to people, and this is what made him truly dull. Yet people had some kind of respect towards him. He didn’t understand it, thinking it more of a “make fun of” type respect, but he took it without complaining.Three months before the incident, started a sense of emptiness, low and dull. As such he ignored it and moved on. Two months before the incident, his emptiness grew, and a longing feeling had attached itself to him. One month before the incident, an ignorable annoyance had transformed into a blistering need. Christian, pondered what he could be missing. One week before the incident, he couldn’t think straight. His thoughts swirled around in his head like a tornado. The need for something was too strong, yet he couldn’t find what was needed to satiate his thirst. Then, it happened. In a quiet, school hallway, Christian stood at his locker, staring himself in the reflection. His gaze was cold and dead, and behind that gaze was a man driven insane. Then, it hit him. Out from nowhere, in the tranquility of the hall, he yelled.“Blimey! I need to become evil!”Now, Christian was not British, in fact he was 101% American, but the force of evil was so great, he turned British.However, he knew nothing of evil. He hadn’t a clue of what evil entailed. So, since it was the only thing he knew how to do, he studied. Now while he’s studying malology, why don’t we give a better description of him?He is tall, has glasses, and wears a hoodie year round (purely a style choice). He makes straight A’s, cracks jokes, and he is surrounded by friends and family, all of which he assumes love him. There is no good reason for him to become evil, and that’s the point. Life cannot be cracked down to a science. Things will happen for no reason and out of the blue, such as this, and whether you or he will learn anything from this pile of nothing pretending to be a story… Well, you’ll just have to decide later.Now where was I? Oh yes…Now, Christian of course had to study being a villain. So I will now list each book he read, including authors, to demonstrate the dedication it took.A Comprehensive History of EvilRoman James IVThe Worst of the WorstBoyds HimeHow to Build BombsZyjel SenjiminI am Become DeathRobbert JGuide to Ruining Your LifeSnatchel RinfumThe Advanced Guidebook to MechanicsStrium FrutyhHow to Harness Your Negative EnergyLopyisme turtorieHow to grow a mustache twirling villain mustachePriymore ScritsJoy of CookingMartha StuartGradually and slowly, he combed through the books. He learnt of villains before him, from times long past, determined to be the best. He Learnt of Napoleon Bonaparte, Genghis Khan, Ranavalona I, and Ellen Degenerate. He watched politics (both sides), daytime television, Live Leak, cat videos, and every Asylum film ever made! Finally, to finish off the brutal ritual, he suffered through hours of the agonizing British Broadcasting Channel! How he was able to withstand the BBC without shriveling into dust is unknown.Now, the boy’s parents began to worry about their only son. Of course about all the evil books he’s reading, right? No! He started drinking coffee, every morning, at exactly 5:00 p.m. In normal circumstances, this would be seen as normal, except for one tiny detail. Christian doesn’t drink coffee.They called in priests. Yet every one said the same thing. “There is nothing I can do.”So there was nothing they could do.And Christian Spiraled…His mental state deteriorated. It melted and rotted away…Down…Further down the rabbit hole into oblivion…
Until finally it was done.
What lay before him was his magnum opus, a marvel to modern sciences.In any sense of the word, it was magnificent.And so at 12:26:32 A.M, on the night of June 6th, he brung the machine to life. Each part hummed like an orchestra, moved like a ballet, shined like a million stars.And with a final loud crash…The world went white…
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On lie above louisianaSits a town that brings Hell nighWhere the people are not very brightAnd the bells of judgment cryWhere trash is everybodys’ treasurehouses smell of beerSlums make up the most of townsAnd the smart move out of hereIn quaint little Arkansas, the place we set our sceneSee the start of something grand, and most definitely obscene(I’m a great poet aren’t I?)…
“Ah, a Summer’s morning! How I long to go back to those days of innocence and youth! But I can’t. Time waits for no one, and it’s certainly not turning around to pick anyone up. You however… your adventure is just beginning. An adventure I’ve laid out for just for you! So, how about we take the road less traveled? For old times sakes. After all, I made it all for you, old pal.”That’s the moment when Payton awoke.The sunlight beamed through the cracks in the blinds, somewhat illuminating the room. Dust could be seen dancing around, enjoying the light. The birds chirping outside created a beautiful melody, that added the perfect touch to this summer’s day.Payton took note of none of this however, and instead focused on getting out of bed. It was a daily struggle between him and the bed, for one had separation anxiety.Luckily it seemed today was an easy victory for Payton. Huh.And so he walked downstairs into his kitchen, and promptly sat down in silence.“Goodmorning,” said his mother facing the counter.“Goodmorning,” he replied slowly, still feeling sluggish. He then realized he forgot his food. Great.He walked over to the cabinet, grabbed a box of cereal, and poured it into a bowl of milk. He savored the taste of the cereal milk. (I've never understood that. Who eats cereal with milk? I eat mine dry, it tastes better. Honestly, who wants to eat soggy cereal? Outrageous! Although since it seems I'm outnumbered on this opinion, I had to make it this way. Sorry fellow dry cereal people. I feel you.) He closed his eyes while he ate, a relaxing calm washed over him… it seemed that today was gonna be relaxing.“We got mail this morning,” his mom said.“The post doesn’t run on Sundays,” he replied.“It doesn’t, that’s what’s strange,” she continued.“Who’s it from?” Payton asked, not really interested.“Some guy named… Fristian Clowers. I couldn’t make any sense of the letter, wanna take a look?”“Sure.”And so she handed him the letter. He took it, inspected it, and sniffed it, before opening it.
And it read…
“Dear pesky Piggottonites,My esteemed partner Carrot and I, have over thrown your mayor, and taken over your town (other areas currently in progress)! Your mayor is now a permanent guest at one of my three evil lairs! Without your mayor to think for you, you’re all hopeless! I demand daily offerings given to me (a soft pretzel, one of those ones from sonic, or like 5 bucks will do), else I blow up the town! If you need instructions on how to find me, check out the enclosed instruction booklet. Try anything funny and I’ll fire the death-inator, pointed directly at the town, from my secret fourth evil lair! I have been training in villainy for months now, I am not a being to be taken lightly. Hope to see you around!With love,Fristian Clowers XOXOXOXO!P.S. Forget the secret fourth evil lair.P.P.S. Oh, and you can keep the cheese packets that come with the pretzels.*end message*
…
What is this?
“Everyone got one. All handwritten too. Probably just a strange prank.”“Heh… yeah…”Payton shrugged it off, it wasn’t anything to be concerned about. Just some random high guy.He went back to enjoying his morning… worry free… Might as well enjoy some TV!“It has been reported that the Mayor of Piggott is missing!”“Oh.”
…
Overhead view of a neighborhood street. We see people coming out of their houses and finding the letters. We have close ups of their confused reactions as they read the letter.
Scene cuts to an aerial view of town hall. We see police tape and sirens surrounding the building, as the camera zooms in. We then cut to the inside of the hall. We meet the board members, trying to work out a solution for the problem.
Chief of funds: “What’re we gonna do?”Campaign Manager: “Well seeing as the Mayor’s disappearance is public now… We should make a statement, reassuring the people! Then, we act like we’re doing stuff, while we’re really doing nothing!”All: “...”Sheriff: “You genius!”Campaign Manager: “I know I am!”Janitor: “But people are already starting to form a mob outside!”The camera pans showing a shot of the window. People are pressed against the screen with pitchforks and torches.Deputy Mayor: “I thought we got rid of them!Sherriff: “They just keep coming! My boys can’t handle ‘em all!”Deputy Mayor: “Where’d they even get the torches from? I thought we condemned the medieval weapon shop!”Campaign Manager: “Quick, the people are rioting! We need something fast!”Deputy Mayor: “Okay okay, I know what to do…”The lights dim, and every chair in the room turns to face towards the wall. The wall opens up to a 32” platinum screen tv, made of solid gold.Deputy Mayor: “Mr. President, it’s the Loafer League. Are you there?”No picture is shown, but a distinct raspy voice can be heard.President: “Loafer League, this is Mr. King of the USA, our unplanned political violence alarms are going off the charts! Why haven’t you done anything?”Deputy Mayor: “Sir, this is the worst crisis we’ve seen! The mayor’s been kidnapped, and the people are angry!”President: “The mayor wasn’t scheduled to be kidnapped… Deputy! How’d you let this happen?”Deputy Mayor: “I was busy sir.”President: “So why don’t you take charge?”Deputy Mayor: “I don’t wanna! It’s too much work!President: “Ho ho ho, don’t I know it? Hmm… *snaps* I’ve got it! Here’s the plan…”…“Extry, extry! Mayor gives a people’s choice election!”“Extry, extry! President claims kidnapping was a ‘Russian attack!’“Extry, extry! Election to be held at 5 o’clock, sharp!”“…”“Aw phooey! Who reads the paper anymore?”…
Waking up with pure adrenaline and energy in your veins, is not something that comes naturally. No one can immediately be so alert immediately after waking, without training.No exceptions…Well ok, there was this one time…In the woods surrounding town, far past the neat tidy blacktop lies a house. In this house lies a room, and if any normal person were to step foot inside that room, they’d most likely assume that some form of royalty lived there. Shiny things, bed drapes, and various things of the sort were strewn about.Allow me to introduce, 8 year old, Eliana. Your average brown haired, make up obsessed, girl. One that loves her friends and family, but not enough to listen to bed time. For this reason in particular, it was not unusual to see her waking up at the crack of Dawn, 3 in the afternoon, or some other unholy hour.Yet, this time was different. For this time, Eliana knew something was wrong, she could feel it. So she left her room. No one else was awake. She checked over every non-bedroom room in her house twice. Nothing. Still on edge, she decided to go wake up her family, to see if they noticed it too.Lo and behold…Christian was gone, and where he used to lay, there was a note.
“Dear beloved family,It is with heavy heart I announce the death of Christian Flowers. He died on the freeway, got hit by an eighteen wheeler. We had a funeral for a bird. Sucks to suck. Anyways, he has been reborn as Fristian Clowers, the number one super duper villain. You guys are now in charge of evil base no.1, don’t disappoint me. I’ve already passed out ransom notes to the entire town already, so there’s no backing out now. I have run away to my real evil lair. As for instructions, you’ll probably figure out what to do. See ya around!Love,Fristian Clowers.
Eliana blinked once, then twice, then thrice…Unable to fully comprehend the letter, Eliana stood there for a good five minutes before walking towards her parent’s room, letter in tow.…
Christian Munching - Annoyingus, Runchiningus. Member of the feline family. Evolutionary history unclear. Most likely from precambrian time. Also seems to be treated as a deity in several ancient paintings. An enigma to modern science.Somewhere, in a house, not quite so faraway from where Eliana stands, Munching awakes from his slumber.“Hmm… My Christian psychic senses are tingling…” He said, staring into nothingness.He then proceeded to lay back down, and fall back asleep, being too stupid to get up.
…
“Alright let’s get this voting over with. My soaps are on.”A large crowd sat at town hall, awaiting the new temp mayor to be elected.“Now, which of you wants to be mayor?” This question of course coming from the court judge, who was administering the meeting?Not a single hand was raised.Oh wait never mind there’s one.Sneevley, the most sneevlest person in town.“Um, sir… I volunteer!” Said Sneevle.“Any objections?” Asked the judge.“We’ll of course not. No one would dare oppose me,” that, of course, coming from Sneevley the most sneevlest person in town.Sneevley ran to the stage and stood in front of the whole town.“It is with great honor, my fellow townsfolk, that I am to become the new mayor! I will surely be better than the last, and will ensure the freedoms of every person is protected! First order of business! Every holiday is now mandatory! Whether you want to celebrate or not.”As Sneevley was continuing on his rant, a small figure weaved through the crowd. Slithering towards the stage like a snake.“Oh, and also, you can’t oppose me, because that would be offensive. I’ve got a whole army on Twitter so don’t you even think of-““Alright are we really gonna let this ignorant idiot take over?” Said a new voice.Everyone turned to look at the new contender. It was Linda, the head of the town Facebook group.“Hark! Who opposes me?”“Yeah, it’s me, Linda, head of the Facebook group.“…”“Get off my stage.”
…
The search party had given up. Their mayor was long gone by now, there was nothing to do…They took a snack break.They munched and crunched on the food.Was this part necessary? No.I just like the thought of it.
…
“Everyone likes comic sans!”“No, it’s unprofessional, and it burns my eyes.”“Yeah, well looking at you burns my eyes.”The subject of the matter was a giant banner draped over the school doors.The Banner reads, “Welcome Back Kidz!”(Notice the Z instead of the grammatically correct S. Such a small inconceivable detail, yet it says so much. It’s a metaphor for how adults try to be like children again. They should have treasured their time while they had the chance. What a waste of youth.)And welcome back indeed! The night before school was approaching before, but now it has finally arrived! For the children, no government matter was of any importance. Little of them even cared for anything that had happened in that time.For the last month, people had been leaving offerings for Fristian. Especially after the “test me and find out” missile launch scare. Linda had taken over the town, and was running it like a dictator. Huge stone walls were built around the town for security, leaving people who lived out of town a 30 minute identification check every time they entered. The amount of people who disappeared or just left was astronomical, bringing the already abnormally low student body of 700 down to just 400.“I don’t know why they’re doing this,” said Payton surveying the gym. It wasn’t a grandious sight, just a bunch of bored kids sitting around on their phones.“It’s for you guys to mingle amongst yourselves before school starts! And while you guys do this, I’ll be over at the PTA meeting. Would you rather come with me?” His mom asked.“No,” he replied rather quickly.“Well then I’ll leave you to it then. See you later!” She walked off leaving Payton in this sad, depressing place.Children of all grades were crammed into the gym. High school, Elementary, none of it mattered right now. This was the merge to merge all merges and any other manner of merging mergers.Not many of his friends were there. Just old acquaintances, and familiar strangers. He stood around on his phone for a while. That is until the boredom was permeated by a strange occurrence. Startled yelps, a force pushing through the crowd, and finally shouting. Payton started heading that way.A tall weirdo and a small third grader were mugging a woman.“You gotta listen to me! Christian’s gone missing, we need to find him! He’s been making me have prophetic dreams! We’ve got to go now now NOW!” Christian Runching (Known by most as Munch, Muncher, Munching) was now screaming as he shook this woman’s shoulders violently. Of course this woman was Maddy, an old acquaintance of Fristian.Payton decided out of the goodness of his heart, to intervene.Before he could intervene however, Muncher had spotted him and was now mugging him.“PAYTONCHRISTIANISMISSINGANDHE’SRESPONSIBLEFORTHEMAYORSDISAAAAAAPEARANCEWEGOTTAMOVENOWNOWNOWNOW-“Now, to be honest, Payton and Maddy had only interacted with this man a handful of times. He was a weirdo, not one to be associated with except by those who reveled in chaos. So, Payton didn’t say anything, and instead wondered if this guy was allowed to be within 500 ft of a school.Muncher finally let go of his shoulders. He started to froth at the mouth and dropped to the floor. He ran around in a circle like Curly, all while making some sort of noise that sounded like a mix of a territorial dog and a cat in heat.Maddy and Peyton watched this, and slowly backed away from the thing, completely forgetting about the third grader that was there just moments ago.“Hey, watch it!” Shouted Eliana in annoyance.“Hey aren’t you…?” Maddy began.At that moment Muncher’s stopped seizing, picked himself up by the scruff of the neck, and threw himself at the three of them. They all tumbled over. SSTTRRIIKKEE!“Alright Munching, that’s enough,” said Eliana whose eye was now twitching.“Kdkekemdjdudiiss”“Is he okay?” asked Peyton.“Nope.” Eliana said. “What we were trying to say, was that Christian is missing, and has been for some time. But Linda won’t let us leave or start a search party! She’s gone mad with power!”Muncher butted in. “An ifth we don geh te mayo bathk, this plathe will become a prithon! And as much as I hate these people and wish nothing but death upon them (no offense to the staff), I don’t want to be oppressed, I want to be the oppressor!”“And?” Asked Maddy.“What?”“What’re you two gonna do about it?”“You mean us four.”“No. I’m not-“Payton decided it was finally time to deposit his two cents.“Well, I don’t really want to, but someone’s got to fix this. I don’t want to go to this school while she’s the boss. She’s already shutting down sports!”“Well you can go with those two, I literally do not care. I’m staying here though.”Just then a voice came over the intercom.“Attention all students, don’t forget to grab a uniform. It is mandatory for school! Also new rule. No more grouping of people. You all have to stay 5 feet apart, and keep to yourselves. That way, you can’t unionize. And remember, our new discipline system is being enforced! So don’t even think of breaking that rule! Capiche?”The PA system went dead.“…”“You coming with us?”“Yeah…”
…
To understand why Maddy chose this option, you must understand the way that the girls of this school (and many others) work. They gather in clusters, they care about what they wear, and they’re more into mental pain than physical. This combination of enforcements on the intercom was the ultimate deterrent for the women of the school. And so, reluctantly, Maddy agreed.Misogynistic? It can be seen as such, yet this is how it is in reality. That cannot be denied.
…
“...And so that’s why I think that playgrounds are dangerous and should be banned.”The parent looked up at Linda on her high mighty throne.“Look,” she responded. “I’m not that cruel. Let them play on their ground.”She waved her hand. “Away with him!”Two strong men came and dragged the parent away. To his demise? No.…It was a quiet night. A soft wind blew, and stars shone brightly in the sky. It was truly a night to remember… Then the school doors were slammed open, and the parent was kicked out of the school. The doors violently shut back, as if nothing had happened.…
“Next subject please!” Yelled Linda.In walked the parents of Christian Flowers.“State your business.” Said Linda only half paying attention.“Please help us find our son. He’s been missing for months!”“Hey, your son is that Fristian Clowers kid? Good work he did. Set the stage right up for me! Hey, tell him I said to keep up the good work.”“But we-“ Christian’s mother tried, before being cut off by her significant other.Christian’s father was mad. More than he usually was. God’s wrath is unparalleled. Now the expected response would be “that his father’s was more than God’s,” however compared to God, his father’s wrath is a mere speck. However, out of all the people on Earth, he was most definitely in the top ten list of people you don’t want to cross.“Now listen here lady, my son has been missing for months. Off to who knows where! My entire family and I have been worried sick! So if you don’t get off your sorry —-, and let us out of this ———- town, I’m gonna ——— tear your —- to shreds you little piece of ———- ——. Or as the British would say, you fat ———- ——. ————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————.”If the full censored transcript was here, there would be 5 pages of lines. To save on ink, I’ll summarize the rest here.“———————————.”And for a moment, all was silent…Before Linda slapped her knee and doubled over laughing, promoting them both then and there to generals of her army.