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She lays in bed, staring at the ceiling.
It's hard to sleep. Dirty sheets kicked off to the edges of the bed as she laid there in the apartment that was far too warm for her liking. The air clung to her skin like a blanket and she hated it. The dust caked box fan she'd been relying on had finally given up the ghost, sputtering out with a pitiful series of clicks before the mechanisms finally wore out. Suppose that tends to happen when you never turn it off.
She couldn't stand the stillness of it all.
Her eye twitches.
It's even harder to sleep with her beloved Psychopomp on. The pillow didn't cushion her near enough to make it easier as the hard back of the helmet started to bite into the back of her neck. She couldn't take it off, though.
She couldn't risk it. She couldn't go back.Not now.
But she needed to rest, lest she wind up the same as the cheap fan laying face down by the power outlet. The gears and cogs in her brain having their teeth worn down from being overclocked. The engine starting to sputter desperately. She could feel the effects of lack of sleep and poor eating habits taking their toll especially tonight. It felt like someone had tied a lead weight to her amygdala. Her brain stem felt like someone was gripping it in their fist, promising soon to pull it like a rip cord. A numbness in her brain that started in her forehead and made it's way down. A heaviness in her eyes that didn't make them any easier to close.What a miserable night.She ran a hand down her face, trying to bid her eyes to shut like closing the lids of a corpse. She felt like one.
Maybe if she just got lost enough in her brain, her body would follow suit.
What to think about, though?It'd been a long night. So infinitely long and unbearable. Glue and melted plastic and carefully written talismans and runes and staples and headphones torn to shreds. It'd taken so long to tune the antannae. And she was exhausted.She had gained an awareness she'd never thought she'd have. It was so overwhelming. She'd barely dipped her toes into the tepid waters and she was scared. She hated to admit it. Maybe that's why they'd kept it from her so long. They thought she wasn't ready. She couldn't handle what they could.What presumptuous bastards.They never told her. They all knew all this time and kept it a secret. She imagined them laughing to themselves, giggling with eachother over her ignorance. Isn't it so cute how she doesn't know? She's so silly and dumb like a child. We have to coddle her.She grit her teeth, feeling as the misaligned grooves pressed together in just the wrong way. Her hands itched for a throat to wrap around. A weapon to grip and the satisfying feeling of bringing it down on a skull. The thoughts wrapped around her brain like a tight rubber band, making her whole body tense. She wanted her retribution.No, wait.No. That wouldn't work. She needed better thoughts.She needed to rest.She tried to think of other things. Nice things. Like feral dogs and bugs crawling out of their chrysalises. Cicada shells and warm days under humming powerlines. A comforting face.What was a comforting face? She couldn't remember. After putting on her helmet all her old thoughts felt fuzzy and distant, almost like they didn't belong to her anymore. That was the past and the past has passed and it's gone and it's not something she needs to think about anymore.Did she have any friends?
She couldn't remember.
She remembered her job, remembered talking to people. She remembered feeling strangled by her button up blouse as she stood in the moldy carpeted offices with crusty cubicles and stale air. She remembered burying herself under mask after mask of polite society and office ecosystem to survive and not make any noise. Don't rock the boat. Mind your business. Be polite. Keep smiling.Remembering
made her feel sick.She was tired of remembering.Maybe she should make something new. A new place. Just for her.She took a deep breath and tried to envision somewhere far from here.Her ears hurt from how tightly her helmet hugged her head, only made worse from the pressure laying on her side with it on.
She managed to bring it to light in her mind's eye.
Somewhere far from here.
The dirt below her feet didnt feel rusty. There was a sun in the sky. She'd heard of it in kid's books and the notes of psychiatric patients but she'd never thought of seeing it herself. The sky was so much bluer here, dappled light dancing across her face through green leaves.
How whimsical.
They were green here as opposed to the greyish red they normally are. They'd clash so funny at home. Imagining insane things is so fun. She should do this more often.She kept thinking up more impossible things for her funny little world. Green grass that was soft under her hands and feet, the warmth of the day feeling comforting on her skin and a gentle breeze making her sigh.
How nice.She looked over to her side, someone else.
Who was that?They were sitting there also in the grass, staring into the distance. Messy dark hair just barely obscured their face from her.
She wasn't going to let them ruin her day. She'd simply ignore them and they'd surely disappear. This was her mind, after allShe turned to look ahead. The trees and grass gave way to dirt, gave way rock, to a cliff. A town glitters below them, cars looking like beetles and people looks like flecks of dust.
It was pretty, in it's own way.
Ugly, compared to the trees and the little bugs that crawled over her hand. The comfy grass and the pretty leaves and the tiny yellow flowers that reminded her of trumpets.It was interesting how vivid her little delusion had become. She was impressed with herself. Of course she'd be so talented as to make her own ridiculous little world. Now that nothing could be kept from her, not even the impossible was incomprehensible. The chirping of birds and bugs made her feel calm.She looked to the stranger again, just sitting there with her.
They weren't gone.She felt drawn to them.But not in the usual way. It felt like there was a fish hook embedded in her rib cage, gently tugging.
Normally the only interest she'd find in other people was in pieces, reaching out for a single tree in the forest. Wanting to stare into them until she understood what they were. Wanting to touch their hair or poke their face just to see. What would they do? What would they feel like? She wanted to figure them out like a puzzle or a curious looking rock.
But not this person.She inched closer, muscles tense and ready to bolt like a prey animal. Could she even trust them? This was her world. Just for her. What are you doing here. You don't belong here. Don't you?But they did. She didn't know how, but they did.Was this her world?They turned to her suddenly, seeming to mimic her demeanor.
Afriad, but curious.Their face didn't convey it though. She couldn't understand it. It shifted and looked impossibly strange. She couldn't fully comprehend what she was looking at. Maybe that was an eye? Maybe? It was like a piece of art, madewithout symbolism or depiction.Interesting.She felt abit more at ease as the stranger tensed further. She leaned closer.She reached out for their cheek, gently. Their face felt cold. They felt like static.Like a frightened animal.Her mouth twitched.The tugging on her chest felt stronger, like the wire wrapped around her sternum surely was going to rip her ribcage right out of her body. Tugging her towards them.
She couldn't help herself.She lunged.
Teeth bared.Her eyes snapped open, breathing heavily and sweating.
Where was her helmet?She bolted upright, looking around for her beloved helmet. Where had she gone? Did someone steal her?
Of course they would. They didnt want her knowing. Those bastards. They wanted her complacent again. But she wasn't going back in her cage. She'd rend flesh from bone before she'd go back.As she ponders how skin would feel between her teeth, she notices in the darkness of her room her beloved helmet. Laying on a pile of dirty clothes and snack wrappers.Thank god.She picks up her helmet from where it'd fallen off the bed.I'm sorry baby, I didn't mean it.
She put it back on, feeling a tingling in the back of her skull and a weight on her forehead. Much better.She wasn't sleeping tonight. She had to face it. She had important things to do. Things that couldn't wait. Things she needed to do before they realized she knew.She pulled on an old pair of pants, having to do a small ballet around her room to avoid stepping on junk or soda cans. Stepping en pointe as she pirhouetted from empty space to empty space on the wooden floor.Her shoes sat by the door by the stairs. She grabbed her hammer off of the side table, usually reserved for home defense now finding a new meaning. Now on the offensive.She adjusted the wires of her helmet.
She knew where she had to go. She slipped on her dirty shoes at the base of the stairs and wrenched open the door, met by the moonless night. That second, blue and broken earth hung above. Watching, staring with jealousy.
She started walking down the sidewalk towards where she knew she needed to go. A building with an anatomy she understood. Where she knew the right vein. The right place to strike.The buffoon who invented locks and windows obviously had never heard of a hammer.