Archive of Our Own

Work Text

🎸🤘☠️
9 March 2016
It was Agust’s 23rd birthday. Normally his birthday wouldn’t be a big event; he had never really enjoyed being the centre of attention nor thought another year around the sun was worth celebrating.
But this year was a little different. Agust was happier than he had been in a while. Doing a masters was hard but interesting and surprisingly rewarding. He had managed to produce some songs that were actually being heard by actual real people in the actual real world. But, most importantly, Agust had a boyfriend who was very keen on celebrating this day, and who was Agust to deny him anything?It was early March. The days were getting longer and warmer, exam season was coming closer but was still far enough away so as to not instantly instil an immediate sense of dread in the students. It was Wednesday, and Agust’s older brother, Jin, had treated Agust and Namjoon to an amazing, homemade meal - of course including miyeokguk - before they’d gone out to Agust’s favourite pub for a pint or two.There was just the right amount of people at the pub. Enough for it to feel alive, but not enough people to make it feel crowded or loud. The atmosphere was buzzing, and Agust was two pints down and therefore buzzing a little bit as well, in just the right way. It was perfect.“So, Jin, how are the studies going? How many years 'till you’ll be Dr. Min?” Namjoon asked as Seokjin sat down, putting the next round of beers on the table.“We don’t talk about that, thank you very much.” Seokjin replied a bit too quickly and pushed a pint towards Namjoon, almost spilling it from force.
“Instead! Another toast to my wonderful little brother. May your life be long and your next piercing pain free.”Agust just chuckled and raised his glass as well, clinking it against Jin’s, then Namjoon’s.“Cheers!”It wasn’t a big spectacle. Agust hadn’t invited a lot of people - celebrating his birthday in the first place was already something new, so he wasn’t quite ready to make it an event.
But he had told some of his closest friends from the conservatoire that he would be out with Namjoon and they were welcome to come by the pub if they wanted, though he didn’t expect anyone to show up on a random weekday in March.So when Daniel and Lewis showed up, Agust was happily surprised - even though he shouldn’t really be surprised. Daniel and Lewis had clung to Agust since their very first semester together (Agust would refuse to admit that he also clung to them) and of course they were showing up to their favourite little punk boy’s birthday.“Happy birthday, dear Agust! Happy birthday to youuuuuuu!” They sang as they snuck up on Agust from behind, placing a party hat on his head and making sure the elastic whipped his chin a little harder than necessary. But Agust was three pints in so the sting didn’t bother him. Instead he smiled his gummy smile at them as they sat down, and in a triumphant tone said “You came!”“Of course we did,” was the simple reply.“And!” Daniel added, “we’ve brought you a birthday present!”This made Agust frown. “But I don’t-”“Yeah yeah, you don’t want presents, we know.” Daniel interrupted, and pulled up a chair to sit at the end of the table, as Lewis had snatched the empty chair next to Jin.“Agust Yoongi Min,” Daniel started, putting on a sort of presenter voice to make it sound kinda like a game show, which matched the cue cards he pulled from his jacket pocket perfectly.
“Our favourite lille punk boy. Happy birthday. As we know you’re a capitalist refusing arse who won’t accept birthday presents, so instead of buying you an earthly possession we’ve decided to make a list of 10 reasons why we love you.”Immediately, Agust’s face flushed completely red.Of course, Daniel completely ignored it and continued: “Reason one! You’re always calm and helpful. Even when you’re buried in your own work, you find time to help your friends. Whether they need personal advice or help with school work, you’re there. You’re ready with a shoulder to lean on and the wisdom of an old man. And for that, we’re grateful, and we know that someone (Daniel eyed Lewis, even though he was actually talking about himself) wouldn’t have graduated without your help.”“Reason two”, Lewis added, and was handed the next cue card from Daniel. “You’re true to yourself. You know yourself and your boundaries, and you’re sticking to them, even in tough situations. But you’re never rude or condescending about it, and respect other people’s lives and beliefs. You’re not afraid of admitting you were wrong or apologising, and that’s a skill surprisingly few people master.”“Reason number three; you’re insanely talented. All of our teachers have had nothing but praise for your work, your talents or your work ethics. Who was the youngest student in recent history to have his work requested by a teacher?”“Agust Min!” Both Daniel and Lewis said simultaneously. Daniel continued; “And got to perform in Royal Albert Hall already as a 1st year student?”“Agust Min!”, they chanted again.
“And who-”“Imma be right back.” And with that, Agust left.Namjoon immediately got up to follow him, but Jin grabbed his wrist and shook his head.
“Just give him a minute, Namjoon.”Namjoon looked concerned in Agust’s direction, before he looked back at Jin. Jin seemed surprisingly calm about the whole thing, which contrasted the worried look shared by both Namjoon, Daniel and Lewis.
But in the end, Namjoon did sit back down.“We’re so sorry. But… what happened?” Lewis asked and looked at Namjoon for answers, as he seemed to be pretty in tune with Agust.But Namjoon just looked at Seokjin.And Seokjin looked rather amused. 
“Oh, look at you. All worried about nothing. He’ll be alright. I don’t know how much the two of you,” he gestured towards Daniel and Lewis, “know about my little brother and his upbringing, but let me just say it like this; he isn’t exactly used to receiving compliments or recognition. Don’t get me wrong, he loves it. Deep down he loves it. He just doesn’t know how to handle it,” he just said matter of factly, sipping his beer.“I now have a new goal in life,” Daniel said ominously. “To smother Agust in compliments until he learns to accept it.”“Hey, I tell him nice things all the time,” Namjoon argued.But Daniel retaliated “Well, compliments hit differently when coming from people who’ll willingly put your dick in their mou-”“OMG, NAMJOON! HI!”, a loud voice shrieked from across the room, and all 4 of the guys couldn’t help but to turn their heads at the noise.
From the crowd a head of beach blond hair emerged, and Namjoon quickly recognized Ashley, who was followed by Veronica, Maria and Gabriella, all with drinks in their hands and, to everyone’s surprise, Agust in tow.“Oh, hi!” Namjoon stood up to greet them. “Didn’t expect you here!” “Well, look who I found in the bathroom,” Maria said and gently pushed Agust towards the others. Agust was still red as a beetroot, and the look on their faces made it evident that Maria found Agust’s struggles just as amusing as Jin did.“... What were you doing in the men’s bathroom?” Namjoon asked Maria, while reaching out to grab his boyfriend’s hand and give it a squeeze.“All the stalls in the women’s bathroom were full.” Maria said with a shrug and took a sip of her drink.Well, fair.Agust squeezed Namjoon’s hand back before shuffling to his seat as the new coming party proceeded to greet Jin and Agust’s friends.They managed to gather some more chairs, so Namjoon’s classmates were able to join their little party.Agust was still flushed over, sipping his beer and doing his absolut best to avoid eye contact with anyone - he had also ditched the party hat on his way to the bathroom, since it attracted too much attention, as if his way of dressing didn’t make people stare in the first place. 
After the friendly introductions were made, Namjoon looked at the newcomers and said: “Wait, don’t you have a class at 8 tomorrow morning?” “Yeah, so?” Gabriella replied with a shrug.“I… I just don’t know how you do it. If I go out drinking the night before, I can barely make it to my afternoon classes.“It’s about training!” Gabriella declared at the same time as Lewis said “Not with that attitude, you can’t”, making the two of them fist bump, smirking in satisfaction.“Anyways,” Ashley said as she slid into the empty seat next to Namjoon. “Even if you don’t have classes tomorrow, being out on a weekday doesn’t seem like you. To what do we owe the pleasure?”“We’re out celebrating this one’s birthday,” Namjoon smiled and put his arms Agust’s shoulder as he said ‘this one’, fondness so evident in his voice.Agust’s cheeks flushed over again as all eyes were suddenly on him. He could no longer get away with staring out into nothing, pretending like he didn’t exist. 
Daniel decided to “help” the situation by sneaking up behind Agust, placing both hands on Agust’s face and pushing his cheeks forwards.
“Yes! This cute, little, precious dumpling is turning 23 today!” And Daniel kept squeezing Agust’s cheeks with every word, until Agust leaned away from the touch and shielded his face in Namjoon’s chest.“It’s your birthday!” Ashley said in surprise, as Lewis wrestled his friend to get him to leave Agust alone. 
“Happy birthday, Agust”, she said with clear sincerity, as she peeked at him from the other side of Namjoon.
Agust just managed to smile a quiet ‘thanks’, when Maria smashed both hands into the table and more or less yelled “This calls for a celebration!”“Not just a celebration!” Gabriella then declared, and - at the same time as Lewis - shouted “IT CALLS FOR SHOTS!”So Veronica shuffled to the bar and came back with 10 shots, looked at the group and clearly decided that it wasn’t enough for the 9 of them. So she placed the shots on the table and grabbed both Gabriella and Lewis by the sleeves and pulled them to the bar with her.And then Agust was 4 pints and 4 shots down and his fingers were tingling and his face started to feel numb, but he felt happy, and loved, in this weird concoction of people. He loved that his friends complimented Namjoon’s relatively newly bleach blond hair, and he loved the way he could get people to laugh by telling him how truly awful Namjoon’s hair looked when they first met as scrawny teenagers back in Derry - and he absolutely loved how Namjoon still looked at him like he was his world, despite the teasing.At some point Gabriella and Lewis disappeared and didn’t come back, and Ashley had brought 2 rounds of tequila which meant that everyone got 2 but the birthday boy got 3, and he was just about to complain about how tequila was usually a bad idea, when Namjoon held a slice of lime between his lips.So Agust took the shot and kissed his boyfriend in the middle of a crowded bar without caring if people looked.And then Agust was 5 pints and 4 shots of vodka and now also 3 shots of tequila down and didn’t know what time it was anymore, but it had gotten dark out and also Jin was gone.
There was still a shot of tequila left over, and Veronica had just suggested that Agust did body tequila off Namjoon, and as Agust laughingly rose to prevent Daniel from undressing his boyfriend, he suddenly lost his balance as the blood rushed to his head. Everything went black, and stuff happened that Agust wasn’t really aware of.The tequila had hit Agust like a freight train. Funny how tequila always had the habit of sneaking up on you and overwhelming you without warning.It was true that Agust had been way past tipsy for a long while, and had instead been pleasantly drunk throughout most of the evening. 
But drunk suddenly wasn’t even the word anymore. He was hammered. No, not even. Shit-faced. Smashed. Sloshed - and not in a good way. Suddenly he was very dizzy, a little nauseous, and had a hard time controlling his body. He felt bad.Which was why he suddenly found himself sitting outside, on a small feeder pillar, staring into the night without really looking at anything, whilst holding onto Namjoon for dear life.“Breathe,” he vaguely heard Namjoon say. “Breathe. You’re doing fine, you’re okay. Just breathe.”
And he tried to, Agust really tried to. But it was hard. It was hard because the inside of his head felt bigger than the outside. It was hard because everything in his vision was blurry, totally obstructed by the lights from the cars passing by in his peripheral. It was hard because his lips were somehow both weirdly numb and tingling at the same time. And he couldn’t feel his ears - but could he actually ever feel his ears?“Yoon? Yoongi? Deep breaths, please.” Namjoon’s voice went through just fine despite the buzzing in Agust’s skull. So Agust tried to breathe deeper, to actually let air properly into his lungs instead of the shallow heaves for air he had been doing so far.
It did wonders. Like he hadn’t really realised how much his brain needed oxygen.Slowly but steadily his eyes became more focused. He stopped trembling. Gosh, he hadn’t even noticed he was trembling. He slowly sat up a little straighter. His death grip on Namjoon loosened.It took a couple of minutes. Was it seconds? It felt like hours. But slowly Agust started feeling better and started to reconnect with the world around him.
He started appreciating Namjoon rubbing soothing circles onto his back (when had he started doing that?) and when his eyes were able to focus again, Agust looked at the man in front of him and couldn’t help but softly smile at the sight of the dimpled giant of a boyfriend who was crowding his vision and god, Namjoon was so good. So kind. So beautiful.“Are you feeling a little better?” Namjoon asked, still smiling softly. And Agust nodded. He did feel better. He was still absolutely plastered, but he did feel better. His limbs still felt too heavy, but now he felt like he could carry the weight.How Namjoon could still be smiling was beyond Agust’s belief. But he was here, and it made him so incredibly happy. The last 6 months together had been incredible. The fact that Namjoon was still here, consoling his bog-faced boyfriend was a testament to how good hearted, patient and loyal he was. And the fact that he still looked at Agust with so much adoration was heartwarming. It made Agust feel safe despite all, and made him feel loved.After sitting for a while, just breathing slowly and letting the cold night air stain his cheeks pink, Agust came to the realisation that the night was over. There was no bouncing back from this.“... I think I need to go home”, he said whilst looking at Namjoon, forcing himself to focus his gaze on the other. He had no idea how softly he spoke, or how he slurred his words. He also hadn’t noticed how the Northern Irish accent, that he had spent years getting rid off, was back in full force. Luckily, Namjoon seemed to understand him just fine, because he just chuckled and said “Oh, you think?”, and Agust was too gone to pick up on the slight tease that he would normally reciprocate. Instead he just nodded again and oh god his head was too heavy for his neck.“I’ll call a cab,” Namjoon said, as he pulled his cell from his pocket.“No!” Agust replied too fast, too loudly. “That’s too expensive. Let’s just take the tube”, he said. Or at least, that’s what he wanted to say. It was “ssss-spensive”, and “lesh-ust”, but Namjoon got the word ‘tube’ and immediately got worried.“It’s fine, let’s take a cab, it’s way more conve-” And that’s where Namjoon was interrupted by Agust jumping down from the feeder pillar.Though his feet did hit the pavement first, his ass followed soon before he tumbled backwards and only held himself up by the elbows.Of course Namjoon was over him in an instant.“Okay, love. Enough. We’re getting you home, now.” Namjoon hoped he managed to sound stern but not angry. Clearly gentle encouragement hadn’t worked, and he was getting worried. 
So he bent down to take Agust’s hands in his, pushing his own converse against Agust’s leather boots to give him leverage, so he wouldn’t slide on the pavement. He asked “Ready?”, and waited for the approving nod before he yanked Agust up, who was suddenly standing on both feet again.But apparently he wasn’t ready. 
Maybe it was the sudden movement, maybe it was unavoidable, maybe it was just a coincidence. But his body didn’t take it very well, so the second Agust was actually standing up, he bent forward and emptied the contents of his stomach onto the ground.It was not pretty.Obviously, it was not. It was puke. It was a greenish brown and liquid but lumpy. It was vile and splashed all over Agust’s boots and the bottom of his trousers when it ricocheted off the ground.
But the unpretty part was the way Agust’s body started to convulse, how he was dry heaving between spewing out puke, and how something definitely came out of his nose.It was sudden and uncomfortable, and he was dizzy and too drunk and couldn’t breathe and it was stinging in his pipes and Namjoon was standing right there and now there was also a splatter of vomit on Namjoon’s converse.Everything was just too much. So Agust sat down to catch his breath and promptly started crying.Fuck this night. Fuck turning 23. He was done. Absolutely fucking done.As he sat there on the cold ground, using his sleeves to wipe his face of both vomit, snot and tears, he felt a warm hand on his shoulder, giving it a reassuring squeeze.“Breathe,” Agust heard Namjoon say. Such a déjà vu. “Just breathe, love. It’s okay, you’re okay.”But it wasn’t okay and he wasn’t okay, and Namjoon shouldn’t try and decide whether he was okay or not.“Go away!” Agust croaked, waving out an arm to try and push Namjoon away but missing him completely. 
“Just leave me alone,” Agust quietly sobbed but Namjoon didn’t budge at all. He just continued to gently stroke Agust’s shoulder.How dared he. How dared Namjoon not listen to Agust’s instructions.
Agust felt disgusting. He felt disgusting and gross and weak and irresponsible and Namjoon deserved better and Agust was so fucking done and it would be better if Namjoon would just leave him alone to be a sad mess on his own.So when Namjoon didn’t leave, but continued to gently try to comfort his boyfriend, Agust did the only reasonable thing, which was to forcibly remove himself from the situation by throwing himself sideways on the ground, away from Namjoon, whilst avoiding the pool of puke.Namjoon almost jumped back in surprise, worry obvious in his eyes.
“Shit. Are you okay? What’s happening? Yoongi?”“I SAID LEAVE ME ALONE! GO AWAY.”And Agust just couldn’t stop crying. He was sobbing into the dirty ground below him, crying so hard he struggled to breathe again. It was an evil circle. He would cry, and dry heave, and have trouble breathing, and that would make his eyes sting and he would cry some more, occasionally spewing out more bile.“You alright there, mate?” A strong, Geordie dialect yelled from a group of guys exiting the pub.“Yeah, all good! Cheers!” Namjoon yelled back, faking a British-accent so as to not draw any more attention to them. It seemed to work well enough since the boys moved on, although they did look a little sceptical. Namjoon couldn’t blame him. Agust had - loudly - told him to leave a few times and Namjoon had - obviously - ignored it, but to outsiders he could look like some kind of creep.Eventually though, there were no more liquid left in Agust’s body, so the crying subsided, the regurgitation stopped, and he ended up just lying on the ground, sniffling because his nose was still filled with snot and he still felt horrible and sad and too drunk and why was Namjoon still here and why would this night never stop?Agust just laid there for a while, seemingly having no intention of getting up. Namjoon was convinced he was going for the ‘if I lay completely still I don’t exist and the world will forget about me’ strategy, but clearly it wasn’t working.
So Namjoon took a deep breath and braced himself for the potential of more yelling. He carefully walked around Agust so he was standing in his field of vision and squatted down a good arm’s length from him.“I’m calling a cab, okay? We need to get you home.” He sounded calm, he had sobered up a lot in the last half an hour, and the last thing Agust needed was Namjoon sounding angry or judgemental, so he really did all he could to sound levelled.Agust replied something, but it was muffled and hard to hear when his face was smashed against the pavement.“Come again?”“I want you to leave me alone. Go away, Namjoon.” Agust finally replied after turning his head. His speech was still slurred by alcohol but he wasn’t yelling or crying anymore so at least that was an improvement.“... And why is that?”“Because I’m disgusting! I.. I can’t…  I… I don’t want to do this anymore.”Oh. Namjoon got a sinking feeling. He didn’t want to do… this? What was this? Did he mean their relationship? Was… was he breaking up? Now? Like this?“What is it that you don’t want?” And Namjoon could not remember ever sounding so small in his entire life. He knew the phrase ‘a drunk mind speaks a sober heart’ and he couldn’t bear if Agust was breaking up; especially not like this.“I don’t want… I... I just want this night to end. I… I feel bad.” At least Agust didn’t sound angry or defensive anymore. He sounded sad and drunk.
“And I feel disgusting and you deserve better and I don’t want you to see me like this. So, just leave, okay?”Oh. Oh! Namjoon immediately felt like it was easier to breathe.
So, Agust wasn’t breaking up. He was just drunk and… embarrassed? Really? The King of ‘I don’t give a fuck’ was embarrassed about having downed too many shots and having puked on himself?Well, fair. But Namjoon didn’t think any less of him, and certainly didn’t know where this whole “you deserve better” came from. If Agust had any idea of how lucky Namjoon felt that they’d gotten back together, he would probably question Namjoon’s priorities.“Agust.”Oh no, Namjoon used his English, government name. Namjoon never used his English, government name. He always just called him Yoongi.“Firstly, you can barely stand up so there’s no way you can get home by yourself. So no matter how much you yell and punch and throw a fit, I’m not leaving you here, okay? We’re taking a cab to your place and you’re going to bed. If you want me to leave afterwards, I’ll leave, okay?”It was so clear in Namjoon’s voice that he was done with Agust’s bullshit, so he couldn’t really do anything but nod, because even his drunk brain was done fighting logic. And going to bed sounded wonderful. Agust just wanted to sleep for a thousand years and forget all about this.So this time, when Namjoon grabbed Agust and helped him stand, he didn’t fight it. He didn’t try to get away, nor did he yell. But he also didn’t really help. His limbs were as drunk as he was, so he couldn’t, really, and he didn’t have the energy to make an effort. So it was a little like stacking potatoes still in a bag. 
Agust just let himself be manhandled, until he was standing upright, clutching onto Namjoon to keep his balance.It was a little weird having him this pliable, but Namjoon greatly preferred this over the yelling for him to leave.With an arm around Agust, they carefully moved towards the bigger road where it would be easier to call a cab to. Agust was slow and unsteady but at least he was moving and not fighting back. Namjoon took it as a small victory.They managed to get a cab relatively quickly, which was good because Namjoon’s arm had started to hurt.“Am I too smelly for a cab?” Agust “whispered” when Namjoon helped him into the backseat. And Namjoon said no, of course not. Agust did have puke on his boots and trousers and the end of his sleeves, and his cheeks were stricken with black lines because he’d cried so hard his eyeliner had run. But it wasn’t that bad, right? He really didn’t want Agust to go back to the whole ‘I am disgusting’ narrative.
But the cab driver did open his own window and Namjoon looked at the driver apologetically as he relayed Agust’s address in Camden.Normally, Namjoon loved making small talk with the drivers of black taxis, as they always had good stories to share and their knowledge of London was impressive. He really had learned a lot about the history of London from midnight rides to and from the airport.
This time, though, Namjoon only looked at Agust, who was propped up against the window pane and looked like he was sleeping, but Namjoon knew he was not. He still had that staggered, non-natural breathing that signalled that he was still very much awake, and still struggling with something.Oh, what Namjoon wouldn’t do to rid his boyfriend of his worries. He just wanted to wipe the wetness from Agust’s eyes and kiss his forehead until the frown between his brows smoothed out. Until Agust felt happy and safe again.But Namjoon sensed that Yoongi needed space. Agust’s body was turned slightly away from him. He was hunched over, defensively. Namjoon had promised to get him home and into bed, and he had promised to leave afterwards, if that was what Agust wanted, so he really didn’t want to cross boundaries. Didn’t want to pressure him.Therefore, when Namjoon felt a finger tentatively poke his hand that was resting on the middle seat beside him, a wave of alleviation washed over him, and he took the hint and cradled Agust’s hand in his own.With a sigh of relief Agust plumped back in his seat, his head lolling at the headrest. He mumbled something in the direction of Namjoon.“Hm? What was it?”
He asked, as he leaned over to get a bit closer to Agust.“You said firstly…” Agust slurred, his head still rolling loosely on his neck. “Wh-what is the second thing?” He did his best to focus on Namjoon. It meant keeping one eye closed and squinting with the other.For a second, Namjoon was confused, as his mind raced to re-trace their conversation.“Ah!” He suddenly voiced as he remembered, causing Agust to open both eyes in confusion at the sudden (and loud) exclamation. Even the cab driver eyed him from the rear view mirror.With a slight blush creeping up on his cheeks, he gave Agust’s hand a reassuring squeeze and leaned closer to him again.
“Secondly; you don’t get to decide whether I deserve you or not. I think we’ve all tried to get a little too drunk and done stupid stuff, but that doesn’t make you undeserving of me. You’re not disgusting, okay? You just need a shower and some sleep, and you’ll be as good as new. I don’t think any less of you. I don’t love you any less now than I did this morning.”At some point, Agust’s eyes were pulled shut again, probably the motions of the vehicle rocking him into sleep.
For a brief second, Namjoon wondered if Agust had understood or even heard anything he’d said. But then Agust squeezed his hand back. He squeezed like he was intent on never letting go.🎸🤘☠️On any other occasion, up until this point, Namjoon had loved Agust’s flat. He loved that it was tucked away and hidden, almost like a secret bug in a video game the developers didn’t think to patch because no-one would ever find it anyway.
But getting your almost-too-drunk-to-walk boyfriend up the sheer amount of steps and stairs made Namjoon momentarily question his love for the flat, and he had to deduct some points in his self-made and totally irrelevant mental home review.When they came in through the door, Agust wanted nothing more than to throw himself onto the couch and finally get this day - night? - behind him. But of course sweet, sensible Namjoon ruined that.“No no,” he said with a smile whilst holding back his boyfriend to make sure he didn’t make it to the couch. “There’s puke on your clothes, love. Better get it off before it gets everywhere.”Agust stopped in his tracks as his muffled brain needed to properly understand the meaning behind Namjoon’s words, and after a while he just hummed in agreement, and bent down to get his boots off. But his balance hadn’t exactly improved - luckily Namjoon was there to catch him before he fell over.
“Maybe let me do it, yeah?” And Namjoon squatted and started to untie the laces of Agust’s Dr. Martens.The untying went fine, getting them off required more effort because standing on one leg was harder than it should be, even when Agust held onto Namjoon’s shoulder.
Namjoon then straightened back up and decided that the upper half had to come off before the lower half, so he got Agust’s denim vest off with ease but met resistance when it came to getting Agust’s arms to retrieve from the sleeves of his hoodie.“I can do it myself,” Agust kept whining but made absolutely no effort to actually do it himself or for Namjoon to stop helping, so Namjoon ignored his complaints, until Agust was left standing only in his pants.“Do you need help to get up the stairs?” Namjoon asked as he collected all the clothes that had just been carelessly discarded on the floor, and nodded towards the spiral iron staircase in the middle of Agust’s flat.To no one’s surprise, Agust mumbled a stubborn “No,” and went to the stairs. He got a firm grip on the railing and put his left foot on the bottommost step, and really did everything he could to propel himself forward, but still ended up stumbling backwards again, and suddenly neither of his feet were on the bottommost step.“... Yes,” he mumbled instead, and Namjoon chuckled and went to his aid. With all of Agust’s dirty clothes in one arm, he used his other to push Agust from behind, guiding him up the spiral staircase. It was slow, but steady, and with every ring of the iron steps under their feet, Namjoon prayed that Agust wouldn’t slip and get hurt.After what felt like a small eternity, they’d reached the top of the stairs, and Agust’s bed was right there, 4 strides and he could finally crawl under his covers and forget everything about this horrible night.
And yet he didn’t run for his bed, but instead just stood there, swaying a little, Namjoon on the step behind him.In the darkness and comfort of Agust’s space, Namjoon could also feel sleep pulling him. But his number one priority was getting Agust into bed and he had been so well and on his way - but now he’d stop. So Namjoon said, with all the patience in the world “What now? You’re almost there.” Gentle encouragement, he told himself. Gentle encouragement. But Agust just sunk to his knees. “But I feel disgusting,” he said, and it sounded like he was going to cry again.And yeah, Namjoon was holding his soiled trousers and hoodie, but it wouldn’t be weird if Agust had gotten puke or snot - or both - on his hands whilst wiping his face with his sleeves earlier, and yeah, no, Namjoon couldn’t fault him for that.“Then, off to the showers, love. Come on,” Namjoon smiled with a light tone, and gently pushed Agust to stand. Gentle encouragement.Off Agust went, holding onto either a wall or something on the way, to keep his balance. Namjoon heard the water turn on, as Agust didn’t bother to close the bathroom door, and prayed that Agust was present enough not to drown himself.
Meanwhile, Namjoon got Agust’s dirty clothes into the hamper basket - except the studded denim vest. That needed dry cleaning, Namjoon had learned that much. He then went down the stairs to fetch them both a glass of water. He downed a glass himself before refilling it and went back upstairs.Since Namjoon had to balance two filled glasses up the stairs, he inevitably looked at his own feet, and realised his jeans were also stained by bile.
So when he reached the bedroom at the top of the stairs, he sat down the glasses and stripped himself of his dirty trousers, putting them in Agust’s laundry hamper as well. As he always kept a stack of clean clothes at Agust’s, he put on a pair of grey sweatpants. He also found a soft, all black set of sleepwear for Agust to wear once he was done showering - the set that Agust early in their relationship had once admitted to love lounging around in at home, but not when Namjoon was around, since the set was a little big and made him look small and soft, which wasn’t what Agust wanted but Namjoon loved it. The longer they’d been together though, the less Agust cared. Namjoon loved that even more.
With the set in hand, he took off his socks before going to the bathroom to see if his boyfriend was still alive.Namjoon did knock on the open door and asked Agust if he was awake and well before he entered. Sure, Agust was pretty relaxed with nudity and his body, but Namjoon was raised with basic human decency.
In the shower stall, Agust was sitting right in the hot beam spewing from the shower head, curled up with his head resting on his knees. He didn’t look miserable; he just looked tired. So tired he hadn’t even closed the shower curtain.Namjoon couldn’t help but smile a little. “Too tired to stand?”, he asked, careful not to sound condescending.Agust just nodded.“Are you done with showering? Or do you need help washing your hair, or something?”Again, Agust just nodded.This time, Namjoon couldn’t help but chuckle out loud. “Which one is it, you silly bean?”
He put the pyjamas set on top of the washing machine before he kneeled, to get to eye level with the other, and was suddenly very happy he decided on not wearing socks, as the floor was wet.He reached out and ran a hand through Agust’s hair, which prompted him to open his eyes a little, head still bent to shield his eyes from the water.“Are you done?” Namjoon asked, and Agust shooks head.
“Do you want your hair washed?” And Agust nodded his head as a yes.Just like Namjoon had learned that leather jackets and studded denim vests needed dry cleaning, he had also learned that thorough shampooing was needed to remove the amount of hairspray Agust needed for his death hawk hairstyle.Eventually Agust was sufficiently cleaned up, so Namjoon helped him out of the shower and got him dried off, before dressing him in the soft set.Agust was then placed on the closed toilet, and was handed a toothbrush to get the foul smell and taste out of his mouth whilst Namjoon towel dried his hair. Agust’s eyes were closed and Namjoon could have sworn he was almost purring.“Okay, you’re all good. Now, off to bed.” He said and placed the towel around his neck.Agust hummed and stood, eyes barely open and after rinsing his mouth, waddled out of the bathroom and off towards the bed. Namjoon sighed and quickly brushed his own teeth whilst contemplating what to say, bracing himself for, hopefully, the last confrontation of the day.When done, he went to the bed and crouched beside it, so he was eye level with Agust, who was already curled up in a little blanket burrito. “Yoon?”The duvet stirred a little, so Namjoon knew the other was awake.“Remember how I said I would help you get home and into bed, and if you wanted me to leave after, I’d leave, right? Well, now is the time. If you want to be alone, it’s fine. I won’t get mad. I’ll leave and I’ll call you tomorrow, yeah? But if you want m-”“Stay.” Agust interrupted him, and opened an eye to peek out from his cocoon. “Please.”“Okay,” Namjoon answered, and couldn’t keep the smile away from his face. Agust still liked him. His Yoongi still liked him.
So he stood - placing a kiss on Agust’s forehead in the process - and quickly went back to the bathroom to hang his towel and turn off the lights. He undressed in the darkness, not caring for order and just left his clothes on the floor before he crawled into bed.As soon as Namjoon’s body made a dip in the mattress, the duvet wrap moved and seconds after Agust snuggled up to Namjoon, placing his head on his chest as he’d done so many times before, wrapping his arms around Namjoon’s torso.
And Namjoon couldn’t help but smile even wider as he placed his arms around his boyfriend, pulling him closer still and kissing the top of his head. It took a moment for Namjoon to get a cover over the both of them and for him to find a position where he was truly comfortable, but once he succeeded, his head finally resting on the pillow, he fell asleep in seconds to Agust’s quiet breathing as his lullaby🎸🤘☠️Whether it was the light filtering in through the overhead window, Namjoon’s snoring or the building pressure in his bladder that woke Agust up, was hard to say. But he hadn’t slept nearly as much as he liked and he was sporting a hangover worsened by a dehydration headache.
 
He woke up to warm skin under his cheek and strong arms holding him close. His conscience told him he didn’t really deserve this, didn’t deserve the man in his bed to whom he was quite an arsehole to last night. But he was so, so grateful that Namjoon was here, still.He carefully placed a kiss in the middle of Namjoon’s chest, right on the birthmark that he loved so much, before leaving the warm duvet nest and going to the bathroom. On the way he grabbed one of the glasses of water from his nightstand and took a sip, but the water had gone stale. So he went to the bathroom, and after emptying his bladder he filled the glass anew and took several big gulps of water. 
He looked in the mirror and saw that his face was rather puffed. He had lines in his skin and was red from where his head had been resting in the nook between Namjoon’s shoulder and pecs. He had dark circles under his eyes, but overall, it wasn’t as bad as he’d feared. He’d be alright. The half glass of water was already doing wonders for him, so he opened the medicine cabinet and downed two painkillers with the remaining water, before refilling the glass and shuffling back to the bedroom.From the snores Agust deduced that Namjoon was still sleeping soundly. He took a minute to just admire the dimpled man who was spread out on the bed. He looked so calm and beautiful, and Agust loved the way the morning sun painted stripes on his honey-golden skin, illuminating the hairs on his chest and giving him a fuzzy glow.
It was another testament to Namjoon’s attentiveness; he had put Agust in a soft pyjamas set while he himself had on as little as possible. Agust got cold when he slept and Namjoon was a furnace that found sleepwear a little constrictive - and Agust preferred him naked anyway, so it was a win-win overall. It made Agust smile. And suddenly he missed Namjoon. He was right there, an arm's length away, but his heart ached for him with longing.
So he put the glass back on the nightstand before he carefully crawled into bed to get some well-needed sleep and leech on Namjoon’s warmth.As he snuggled back into his boyfriend’s embrace, he felt a pair of soft lips kiss his temple and heard someone whisper “I love you, birthday boy” into his hair.And that was the moment Agust decided that he would do anything in his power to never let go of Namjoon, and that he wanted to love him and let himself be loved for the rest of his life. 📖🌱🦀
12 September 2015
If Namjoon had to pinpoint the moment he decided that he and Agust should be together forever, it was quite easy for him.Because Namjoon was a genius - maybe literally, but if nothing else, figuratively - he managed to get himself a year at an Ivy League School. He missed the US; or rather, he missed New York where he grew up. He missed his dad, who still lived there. He missed the bustling city, the sky scrapers, hot dog stands and Broadway musicals. So really, getting an entire year at Columbia University was a god sent, and he had enjoyed his semesters tremendously. Now Namjoon was back in London, and he couldn’t really get himself to admit how much London felt like home. He had always been the American; sure, Korean-American, but American. It had been an integral part of his identity since they moved when he was young. But back in New York, he found himself being the Brit, which was strange. It was also strange that he couldn’t really deny it. Even though he still didn’t really like tea, even though he still didn't think beans belong on toast, even though they drive on the wrong side of the road, London felt like home. Much more than Derry ever did. And, surprisingly, more than New York did as well.And this, this was the first night out after he had started on his masters. He had gotten somewhat settled in his new dorm; his roommate seemed nice enough, he had gotten his lecture plans and books and met his classmates - and the latter had found a pub they used to frequent when they were undergraduates. Namjoon was excited; especially because he had been just shy of turning 21, meaning he couldn’t (legally) drink while he was in New York, and therefore it was only an occasional drink at some shady frat parties, but oh had he missed going to a pub.Oh, and today was his 21st birthday.“It’s the one there, on the corner”, Ashley said. Ashley had sat down next to Namjoon on his very first day, been pleasant to make conversations with, was funny, and hadn’t laughed at Namjoon when he dropped his rubber and couldn't find it from his seat; instead she made sure to place her rubber on the edge of the table, closest to him, so he could also use it. Therefore they were now friends, despite having known each other for all of 2 weeks.With Ashley came Veronica, Maria and Gabriella, who all were great company.When they stepped in, Gabriella eyed some people leaving a table in the back just barely big enough for the 5 of them and hurried over. The pub was quite full, though it was to be expected for a Friday night at the start of the semester. It was a great mix of students and regular locals all milling about. The clattering in the back indicated pool tables, and there was a scattering of screens around showing a game of football. (England Cup, Northwich V - AFC Blackpool. Northwich would go on to win 4 - 0.)“I’ll get the first round - you help carry!” Ashley declared and elbowed Namjoon to get him to follow her, while the rest joined Gabriella’s quest for the table in the back.Namjoon and Ashley squeezed their way to the bar to order; Namjoon used his height to tower over the people sitting at the counter to get the bartender's attention. When he had succeeded in that, and he and Ashley had relayed their order, he took a chance to look around again whilst waiting for their beers to be poured.The first thing he noticed was how Gabriella, Veronica and Maria not only had gotten the table in the back, but also were making conversations with the people around them. But as his eyes trailed back over the crowd towards Ashley at the bar, he noticed something.It was round cheeks and porcelain skin framed by black hair. It was a pair of sharp eyes and pouty lips. And he knew those eyes. He knew those lips. He had kissed those lips, and he had drowned in those brown eyes more than once.
It was Yoongi. His former best friend. His first boyfriend. The one who got away. The person he had cared about the most and who suddenly disappeared. Half a decade ago.Namjoon didn’t know how to feel. It had taken him years but he had come to terms with the prospect of never seeing Yoongi again. He was stumped. He tensed up completely, didn’t notice he had stopped breathing. His gaze was just transfixed on the boy two tables away, who sat there with rosy cheeks and long lashes and talked to two guys who were seated on his right.Namjoon didn’t even notice that Ashley was trying to get his attention, trying to get him to grab a pint or two to bring to the table.
But Ashley did notice that Namjoon was transfixed. So clutching three of the five pints she’d ordered, she followed Namjoon’s gaze. But there were a few people at the table where Namjoon’s eyes landed, so she leaned in close and whispered (as much as you could whisper in a full pub. It was more like a low shout).
“What are we looking at?”“He, eh…” Namjoon cleared his throat, which somehow made him refocus, regroup his thoughts, come back from his trance and look at his friend.
“I was just… we… ehm… do-do you see the guy over there? The guy with the eh, c-cat eyes and permanent pout?” He stammered, nodding in Yoongi’s direction.“... Is that your way of describing the Asian guy with the blue streaks and face full of piercings?” Ashley chuckled and looked at Namjoon, and then back to the table and the guy in question.Namjoon just managed to nod and whisper a breathy ‘yeah’, but nothing more, because now Yoongi had also spotted Namjoon. His eyes were wide in disbelief, but then he smiled. To say that Namjoon was silently panicking when he saw Yoongi say something to his mates and then stand up and walk towards him, was a little bit of an understatement.“He was my first boyfriend…” Namjoon just managed to explain and Ashley mouthed an ‘oooooh’ with a smirk before silently hurrying over with the beers, leaving Namjoon alone right there on the floor. And then Yoongi is standing in front of him. He somehow looked exactly as Namjoon remembered and yet so different. He had gotten a little wider. A little taller. Looked more grown up. And somehow, he looked calmer. Namjoon had never really noticed that Yoongi always had looked a little tense, constantly a little on the edge, until he saw him now, when his shoulders were dropped in a way they weren’t before.It suited him.“Hi.” And Yoongi sounded shy but he smiled in a way that soothed Namjoon’s nerves immediately.“Hi.”“It’s… been a while.”“It has, hasn’t it.”Namjoon had noticed that Ashley was back, silently picking up the two remaining beers and circling around them. Too slowly for it to be a coincidence, clearly too curious to actually leave. Yoongi hadn’t noticed, though. He only looked at Namjoon.“Can… can I give you a hug?” The question caught Namjoon off guard, but he couldn’t help but smile back - and he realised that this was the first time he reciprocated Yoongi’s smile. Instead of verbally answering, he just opened his arms and invited Yoongi in.Namjoon hugged him. Hugged him close. God, he’d missed him - and he noticed that Yoongi was also holding on tightly, too, leaning his head on Namjoon’s shoulder.When they parted, Yoongi was just about to open his mouth to say something, when someone from Yoongi’s table shouted “AGUST!”.So Yoongi turned to look at his mate, and Namjoon’s gaze followed. The friend just gestured to the table since now there was an empty chair next to Yoongi’s, so Yoongi looked at Namjoon, who nodded, and they moved to sit down.
When they sat, Namjoon was just about to say something, when Ashley put those last two beers on the table in front of them. Namjoon managed to make eye contact with her and she winked before she scampered back to the other table, where 3 other pairs of eyes were prying on them.So they just chuckled, trying to get rid of the somewhat awkward atmosphere and picked up a glass each.“Cheers, then.” Namjoon said.And Yoongi chuckled a “Cheers” back, and they each took a huge sip.Silence fell between them again, although this time it seemed more comfortable. But Namjoon would never have guessed what the other did to break the silence.“Can I start by apologising?”Namjoon’s eyes were wide with surprise.“I shouldn’t have left without saying anything. I’m so sorry. That was a dick move and you deserved better,” Yoongi continued. Both of his hands were around his pint, and he stared intensely at the liquid instead of looking at Namjoon.
“You know… we had that fight, right? Which, in hindsight, was so petty and everything, but I was just so on edge the whole time. I felt so uncomfortable at home and was constantly arguing with my parents, and then I argued with you and… and a few days after, I had a proper fight with my parents. It turned ugly. We were yelling at each other. Screaming, even and… Yeah, I just couldn’t take it anymore. I was so tired of them trying to control everything I did. Of trying to control every aspect of my life. Telling me how I should dress, what I should study, what my hobbies and interests should be. And then they suggested I meet with this girl from the church and I just… I-I told them I was gay. And I shouldn't have, because I knew they were against it. Mum started crying. And appa looked like he was gonna hit me again… It… yeah, it wasn’t pretty.
So I left. For London. And I left everything behind. The only one who knew I was leaving was Jin. I even dropped out of FE. And I left all my things behind as well; including my mobile, because I didn’t want my parents to be able to contact me. I… I didn’t really realise in the moment that I was cutting you off, too. And I’m so sorry, Namjoon. I really am.”And Yoongi looked at him. And you could see the sadness in his eyes. Yoongi wasn’t crying, but there definitely was a wet shine to his eyes. Vulnerability was written all over.Namjoon did remember their fight. Yoongi was right; it was petty AF. It was around Christmas time, and Christmas meant family, and thinking about family meant that Namjoon missed his dad, who was still living in New York. So Namjoon was in this ‘the US is amazing and I’m gonna move back the second I’m old enough’-phase and it annoyed the hell out of Yoongi. Yoongi was already pretty anti-establishment, anti-religion and anti a lot of things as a teen, but his views on America was further soured by their lack of free healthcare, their dubious education system,their horrendous gun laws and okay, they had just repealed the Don’t Ask Don’t Tell Law, but it wasn’t good enough. And Yoongi was so done with hearing about Namjoon’s unjustified glorification of the US and just politely disagreeing. (Also, if Namjoon did move back to New York, he would leave Yoongi. And Yoongi would never fault Namjoon for following his dream, but it did hurt knowing that the only person Yoongi cared about would be leaving, although Yoongi would never say it out loud).
At some point, it had all been too much and Yoongi clapped back. Said things a little too harshly, just to provoke - and Namjoon had said things back. It was petty, it was dumb, it was so unlike them, and in the end Yoongi had gotten up from his place at Namjoon’s floor, and had gone home with a ‘Whatever, Namjoon’.At that point, none of them knew it would be 5 years until they would see each other again.At first, Namjoon didn’t really know how to respond. Yoongi leaving had hurt more than anything he had ever experienced prior. He didn’t just lose a boyfriend, or whatever their title was back then, but he lost his best friend. The boy who had made him feel comfortable and happy after his parents’ divorce.“I went to your house after New Years. Like, I was so surprised I hadn’t heard from you. Yes, you were angry and I was as well. But I texted you happy new year and you didn’t even reply. Which was odd,” Namjoon recalled.
“Your mother opened the door. I had always thought of myself as being on quite good terms with her. But she looked at me like I was made of worms. And she told me you’d left. That she didn’t know where you’d gone to, but she kinda implied that it was my fault for ruining you. For tempting you.” He huffed, and finally looked at Yoongi again.
“She told me to leave. And after that I stopped trying to contact you. And even though I lived in Derry for a couple of more years, I haven’t seen your parents since, either. Our families completely stopped hanging out.”Yoongi wasn’t looking at him. He was just staring into his beer, hands clasped around the glass so tight his knuckles were turning white.“I’m so sorry.” Yoongi whispered, eyes still glossy. All the tension was back in his shoulders as well and it saddened Namjoon in a way he couldn’t quite put his finger on.“It’s okay,” Namjoon heard himself say, and he meant it. “It’s okay. I forgive you.”“Don’t say that.”“I mean it. I do forgive you.”“... really?”“Yeah,” he said with a breathy smile. “I’m not gonna lie. It hurt. Both you being gone and your mother saying that but… it’s been 5 years. And I’m okay. I… Of course I don’t know what would have happened if we’d stayed together and everything, but, like… maybe we needed some time apart? I have learned a lot about myself, at least. Now that I had to navigate the world without you as my crutch. And it seems like you needed some space to grow as well. And, I mean, look at you.”Namjoon still smiled, as he gestured a palm up and down at Yoongi.Finally, Yoongi smiled a little again. It was timid, sure, but at least he was smiling.“And… this doesn’t scare you?” He asked, and pointed to his own face.So Namjoon looked at him. Actually looked at him. Because so far, all he had seen was his former best friend. The Yoongi he had known and loved, just a little bit older, a little wider, a little more, well, Yoongi.
But then he remembered what Ashley had said. Ashley hadn’t seen the pale skin, the sharp cat eyes, the pouty, pink lips. Ashley had seen the black hair with side cuts and blue streaks and the teased top. She’d seen the piercings in Yoongi’s face (there were 10, now that Namjoon counted; one in each eyebrow, one in each nostril, one in his septum, two on each side of his bottom lip and one in the middle of his top lip). Ashley had probably seen the worn t-shirt with the faded print; the denim vest with more badges, patches, studs and spikes than Namjoon cared to count; the tartan trousers with chains adorned at the hips and the military boots. And now Namjoon saw it, too.No, it didn’t scare him. If anything, Yoongi looked exactly like teenage-Yoongi always fantasised about looking. Thinking about it, he looked exactly like Namjoon would have expected and it soothed his aching heart.Namjoon had done what he could to not think about Yoongi the last 5 years. But it was not like he could simply erase the boy and all memories around him at will.One of the things he had realised as he got older, when the puzzle pieces started to fit together as he started having deeper talks with his mum, was that Yoongi and his brother grew up in a rather toxic household. 
Sure, Yoongi’s parents were stricter than his own. That became evident quite early on and wasn’t odd in itself. His mum was pretty relaxed, and he had other friends with stricter parents than himself, so the fact that they were strict didn’t really raise a question back then - but, there were actually a lot of things he didn’t really notice when he was younger, but that seemed so weird when he grew up and became more aware. 
Like how Yoongi didn’t have any posters or personal items on the walls in his bedroom. For such a big music fan, band posters should be expected, but his walls were completely bare. You would never be able to tell that a teenager lived in the room Yoongi called his. He also didn’t own any clothing his parents hadn't bought for him, resulting in a very beige, very proper wardrobe, even though he always talked about how he loved the look of ripped jeans and leather jackets. They went to church every Sunday even though Yoongi didn’t care for religion. And sometimes Yoongi had bruises that he covered with long sleeves, even in the summer.
Looking back, it was odd.A year or so after Yoongi had left, Namjoon had asked his mum if she stopped hanging out with Yoongi’s parents because of what Yoongi’s mum had said to him.
“Not only because of that,” she had replied. “They were a great help when we first moved here, being the only other Koreans around. But, honestly, I never really liked them. They are conservative in a way that creeps me out, and I never really cared for Catholicism myself. But their kids are good kids, and you got along with Yoongi so well, so… I’d go as far as to say; I only hung out with them because of you and Yoongi. To be polite. Now that he’s not around anymore, I don’t see any reason for me to be, either.”All of these memories came rushing back as Namjoon sat here, in a pub, finally reunited with Yoongi.
He suddenly understood why the tenseness in Yoongi’s shoulders had finally disappeared. He understood why seeing Yoongi like this; all pierced and punked up made so much sense. And he finally understood why Yoongi had to leave.He couldn’t seem to wipe the smile off his face.“Are you kidding me? No, it doesn’t scare me,” he laughed. “You look good. You finally look like yourself. This fits you so much better than cable knit sweater vests.”Was Yoongi blushing? It was hard to tell in the dimmed light of the pub.Regardless, he was smiling.“Thanks. It feels good. It feels right. I feel like myself, you know. I feel like I look how I was meant to look.” Yoongi said, a sense of pride clear in his voice as he pushed his bangs out of his eyes.
“And you look good, too. Finally grew into those long limbs, huh?”Namjoon chuckled because it was true. He had hit a growth spurt the summer they moved from the US, so he arrived in Northern Ireland around 8 cm taller than he was used to being, and all his clothes fitted really awkwardly and all his limbs were too long and he couldn’t control them, so he looked really awkward, too.
(And even though his mum bought his school uniform a couple of sizes up, he needed new ones by next summer because he’d grown even more).
Now, he seemed much more in proportion. He knew his body better and he felt better overall.After that, it seemed like whatever tension was between them disappeared, and conversation seemed to flow more naturally.Namjoon asked what Yoongi had done after moving to London on a random weekday between Christmas and New Years.
Yoongi explained that when Jin was going home after Christmas, Yoongi just looked at him and said ‘take me with you’.“He’d borrowed a car. A friend from uni was also going home for Christmas, so they borrowed her aunt’s car, or something random like that. Since Jin was going further, he dropped her off at home and had to pick her up on the way back as well. I think she was scared of flying, which is why they opted to drive in the first place. And they could make room for me in the car, so.” Yoongi shrugged.
“Luckily Jin was understanding and supported my decision.”“He has always taken good care of you.”“He really has. He’s quite awesome but don’t tell him. His ego will explode.”“Oh, no doubt!” Namjoon chuckled again. He vividly remembered Yoongi’s confident, at times obnoxious, but goofy and kind-hearted older brother, Seokjin.
“Don’t worry, your secret is safe with me… Wait, you drove from Derry to London? And took the ferry?”“Yeah?”“God, how long does that take? I’ve only ever gone by plane.”“Around 11, 12 hours depending on traffic. And you have gone by ferry. The summer you went to Glasgow with your mum and Kyungmin.”“Oh yeah, true.” 
The conversation felt so easy. It had been so long since anyone had simply referred to Namjoon’s sister by her first name, instead of saying ‘your sister’. So long since he had talked with anyone who knew him as well as Yoongi. This really felt like catching up with a friend. Because… he was?
“Did you also take the ferry from Larne, or?”“No, Dublin to Holyhead. The friend lived in Dublin, so that worked out well.”And then Yoongi told Namjoon how he had stayed at Jin’s dorm the rest of the Christmas vacation until Jin’s roommate came back.
“Which was in due time, because even though Jin and I love each other, after a week in such close quarters, we were both willing to commit murder.”But instead of murdering his older brother, Yoongi moved into a squatted house with a bunch of other alternative youths, and, according to his own words, ‘went a little crazy with his new earned freedom.’
“I was lucky to get a stagehand job, you know, putting up and taking down stage equipment before and after concerts and performances and such, which earned me some money. Had to lie, though, and tell them I had turned 18 already. I made sure I had money for food, but the rest of the money I spent on myself. I got, what, 4 piercings within the first month and a handful of questionable, and honestly, really shitty tattoos from a really sketchy and way too cheap shop. And then I found this amazing, alternative second hand store with lots of different punk clothes and what not, and I kept coming back once a week until I had a wardrobe I liked.”The owner, Yoongi explained, was this little, butch, older lesbian with an electric blue pixie cut and an array of colourful, oversized glasses. She apparently saw right through Yoongi and realised she was dealing with a struggling kid and offered him a job in the store; that way he had a stable day job, and could do the stagehand work on weekend nights, and have double the income.
“When spring rolled around, I found an online course to do the A-levels I needed since I dropped out before finishing, so I could get into uni. I did a lot of the courses in the shop’s backroom. When Katie, the owner, found out she asked why I sat in the backroom. I said that the internet in the house we were squatting in wasn't stable enough for online classes, and since there were always people, it was also a bit too loud, too… She was mortified to know that I didn’t have a proper place to live and slept on a couch in an illegally occupied house in Hackney.”
Turns out Katie owned a flat on top of the store, and she offered Yoongi to stay there - she was at her girlfriend’s house most of the time, anyway - and get out of the squatted house. “And then I got into the Royal Academy of Music, and I got my bachelor in composition and I just started my master’s… and, yeah. The rest is history, I guess.”There were too many thoughts going through Namjoon’s head. Firstly, he was shocked to hear how much Yoongi had to endure to get his life up and running. He also felt a strong pang of bad conscience for having been so angry at Yoongi after he disappeared. Had he known that Yoongi was sleeping on a couch in a run down house in a rough neighbourhood in North London, he would probably have felt less wronged.He was also just amazed by Yoongi’s sheer resilience and determination. How much he was willing to endure and sacrifice to get a better chance at life.
And of course Yoongi did music, Namjoon thought to himself. Because Yoongi loved music, and Namjoon was so pleased that Yoongi actually got to do something he loved. That he finally got to immerse himself, instead of listening to music on low, hoping his parents wouldn’t find out - or only listening to it out loud when he was at Namjoon’s.“I… I’ve really spent the last 5 years trying to find myself, you know. Separating myself from the environment I grew up in. So, back in Derry, everyone knew me as Yoongi. Here, I’m Agust. I feel like I’m… I don’t know, reclaiming myself. And it’s so liberating.”And Namjoon really took in everything Yoon-, no, Agust was saying. It made sense. He had had to find himself as well. Being Korean in America, being American in Northern Ireland, then going to America again, now as a Brit, just to end up being both Korean, American and Northern Irish in London. And he had to find out what his gayness meant without Agust being there to hold his hand and support him.“Is that why the Derry accent is gone?” Namjoon said before he even thought about it. This was a tender moment, and he replied with a teasing statement?Luckily, Agust just chuckled.
“Yes, yes it is. You know, people look at you weirdly when you’re both Asian AND Northern Irish. I guess you know the feeling… So I’ve done my best to be neither and just be, you know, Agust.”It was weird, he knew, but Namjoon felt proud. Proud that his former best friend was finally feeling complacent with himself. It was well deserved.“Anyways, enough about me. What have you been up to?”So Namjoon told his story. How he’d finished school - top of the class, obviously - and moved to London after being accepted into Oxford University, where he studied Law. With his outstanding performance, he got a scholarship for an Ivy League School and went to Columbia in New York where he studied Environmental Science and Policy for a year (and got to hang out with his dad) before returning back to London to begin an LLM in Environmental Law at the Queen Mary University.“So yeah, I’m back in town, new school, new friends, all that. But it’s really exciting so far.”Namjoon wasn’t quite sure, but if he had to guess, the look in Agust’s eyes was ‘awe’.“You’re unbelievable.” Agust smiled while shaking his head in disbelief. “You got into Oxford and Columbia, and now you’re studying environmental law? And you say it so casually.”
She shook his head again. “You’re so fucking unbelievable, Namjoon. I’m happy for you. I always knew you were meant for something big. I’m happy you’re putting that big brain of yours to use.”That made Namjoon smile. For whatever reason, getting the seal of approval from Agust felt huge. But before he could say thank you, or tell that he, too, was proud of Agust and how far he’d gotten, because he didn’t feel like he’d actually expressed that, Agust got up from his seat and said; “Well, if you’ll excuse me for a bit, I’m gonna go to the bathroom. I’ll get another beer on my way back - do you want one as well?”So Namjoon just smiled and nodded as Yoongi walked away, following him with his eyes until his silhouet disappeared.
And as soon as Namjoon turned his head back, he stared directly into Ashley’s eyes and jumped from surprise.“Oh my fucking god”, he involuntarily mumbled, but noone would be albe to hear it over Ashley saying “Spill.”“Yes, spill the beans”, a foreign voice said and Namjoon looked to his right, where 2 pairs of eyes were looking at him with curiosity from the other side of Agust’s seat.
He quickly realised it was the two guys Agust had been talking to earlier; one of them who’d been stealing looks at Namjoon all evening, and one who’s back head Namjoon had been looking into.Namjoon was a little stumped by the whole thing.
“I-I… what?”“Who are you and how do you know our Agust?” The guy Namjoon didn’t know asked again, voice dripping with curiosity.“Who is Agust and was he really your first boyfriend?” Ashley followed up, leaning impossibly closer over the table.“YOU USED TO DATE?” The other guy, who hadn’t yet spoken, suddenly declared.“Okay okay, calm down. No yelling!” Namjoon panicked and moved away a bit. Luckily, Ashley yielded and the guy who had been yelling whispered ‘sorry’.“We, eh… I… Okay, you know what, this is not my story to tell. I’m not trying to out anyone. But yes, we used to be friends. I haven’t seen him in years, so we’re catching up. And we may or may not have kissed once, but…”“You won’t out him, we know he’s gay.” One of the guys said, matter of factly, the other friend nodding in agreement.“That’s… not what I meant.” Namjoon said and was suddenly a bit embarrassed that he hadn’t thought about whether Agust was okay with people around him knowing about his sexuality. Maybe that should have been what he meant.
“I meant that the stories about his past are not mine to tell. I have just been made aware of some stuff I had never known and that seemed personal. If you want to know, ask him. Not me.”“You know what? I respect that.” One of Agust’s friends said, a satisfied smile on his face and leaned back. He whispered something to his friend who then nodded and giggled.“I do, too.” A familiar voice said, and Namjoon turned his head and looked at Agust, who had a pint in each hand. Luckily, he didn’t look angry.Ashley, metaphorically, disappeared from thin air in a matter of seconds, but Namjoon followed her with his eyes after her and saw how she ran back to the table where the others were eagerly waiting for an update.
He was undoubtedly gonna hear about this on Monday.When he directed his eyes back, he saw that the beers had been placed on the table, but Agust was standing behind his friends, his head between theirs, and he mumbled something to them in a hushed voice. It was too loud in the pub for Namjoon to hear, though. But he saw Agust’s friends nod their heads at whatever Agust said, and maybe Namjoon wasn’t the best at reading people, because they looked somewhere half between smug and embarrassed.But then Agust was back, and that was what mattered the most. And he sat down next to Namjoon again, and Namjoon could feel their knees bump together.That was when Namjoon realised that throughout their conversations they had slowly inched closer and closer together. Namjoon wasn’t exactly sure when it happened. Agust was definitely a little closer after he came back from the restroom, yes, but thinking about it, it had happened before that as well. 
He realised that when they’d started talking, they were sitting almost an arm’s length apart. Now, their arms brushed when they moved. 
Maybe they unconsciously had scooted their chairs towards each other, or maybe there were some invisible magnets pulling them closer.Namjoon noticed that their hands were so incredibly close whenever they were on the table. Noticed that their knees touched, their thighs touched and wherever Agust touched him, subconsciously or not, Namjoon felt hot. In the best way possible. He felt like a flower seeing the sun for the first time in months.Maybe it was the beers, or Agust’s subtle touches, or maybe it was the fact that they were talking - just talking - in a way that made them feel like real friends. They talked like they did back then, freely and inveterate, and it felt. So. Good.
It made Namjoon believe that he had a place in Agust’s future. That they could reestablish some kind of relationship. It was everything Namjoon actually dared hoping for.And then Agust said something that made Namjoon laugh so hard he accidentally elbowed his beer which tumbled off the table and landed in Agust’s lap, wetting his shirt and trousers.“OHMYGODI’MSOSORRY!” Namjoon panicked, and was out of his seat, almost toppling over from the force, and ran to the restrooms.Agust barely had time to contemplate what had happened before Namjoon was back, pressing a handful of paper towels into Agust’s lap.“I’m so sorry,” he mumbled while he dabbed at Agust’s clothes in an effort to dry it a little.
“I’m so, so, sorry.”He’d fucked up, hadn’t he? They just felt comfortable with each other again and Namjoon just showed that he was still dumb and clumsy.“It’s okay,” Agust said with a breathy laugh, but Namjoon didn’t listen. He was too engrossed in his own bad conscience to register Agust’s words.“Hey, it’s okay.” Agust tried to get his attention. “Namjoon, it’s okay. It’s okay, I promise.”But Namjoon didn’t listen, he just kept mumbling apologies and wiping at Agust’s clothes.“Namjoon?”Nothing.“Joonie?”That did it. The old nickname unlocked something in Namjoon. Something tender. Something precious.
He stopped dead in his tracks and looked up at Agust. And realised that his face was so close, mere centimetres from his own.For the first time that night, Namjoon looked Agust in the eyes. Really looked him in the eyes and got lost in the warm browns.He was so close. So close that Namjoon could feel Agust’s breath with every exhale.He was so, so close, and something in Namjoon yearned to close the small gap between them, and feel if Agust’s lips were as soft as they looked.But he got the answer sooner than expected. Because just as Namjoon grazed the thought of kissing Agust’s lips, he felt said pair of lips on his cheek.
They were soft. Soft and hesitant but filled with courage, and they kissed his cheek ever so carefully and lingered for too long for it to be a coincidence. Agust had kissed him. Intentionally and dainty. He’d kissed him. And Namjoon’s heart was right in his throat.“... A-Agust, I…” He stammered, not knowing where to start his sentence or where he wanted it to go. But he didn’t move away. He wanted to stay. Wanted to stay so impossibly close to Agust and feel the heat that radiated from him.“You can call me Yoongi.” The other whispered, and that gave Namjoon all the courage he needed to close the small gap between them and kiss him.
Agust’s lips felt just as soft as they had on his cheek, but kissing him on his lips felt so much better. And when Agust reciprocated the kiss, it felt right.Back when they were lovesick teenagers, it had been a little weird for him to kiss Agust at first, because he and Agust were friends. Like, best friends. But it had also felt safe because he trusted Agust, and Agust would never hurt him, so if kissing could compromise their friendship, they’d never do it, right?
But with time Namjoon had learned that it wasn’t weird. It was new, yes, but it was good and exciting. Kissing Agust felt great. Their mouths seemed to glide together so easily, and it gradually became more and more natural to hold Agust in his arms, and for Namjoon to sink into his.But it had been more than 5 years. 5 years since Namjoon had kissed Agust for the last time and it was weird because it felt familiar - and yet it wasn’t weird, because it felt right. More right than it had ever felt before. He knew these lips, knew how they moved. He could follow the movement of the other’s mouth like it was second nature. In between kisses, they moved around so Namjoon was no longer standing, hovering awkwardly over a sitting Agust. Instead Namjoon sat down, and Agust nestled himself in Namjoon’s lap and they kissed their insecurities and worries away.
And just like always, Agust fit perfectly into his arms. Namjoon had grown a lot the last 5 years, and had grown into those lanky limbs he had as a teenager. Agust had grown, too. He used to be quite skinny - almost scrawny - but wasn’t anymore. Instead he was now the perfect height for forehead kisses, and Namjoon’s hands seemed to rest so comfortably on Agust’s waist, he started to wonder if he could ever take them off again.They kissed, and Agust carted his black painted nails through Namjoon’s hair, gently scraping his scalp, enticing sounds out of Namjoon that seemed to spur Agust on even further.They kissed and they kissed, until their lips felt raw and they were both out of breath.For a while they just sat there, nor saying anything. With their foreheads resting against each other they simply enjoyed each other and their own little bubble. 
It was so incredible how they didn’t hear the noise of the crowd, the music blasting from the speakers, the general loudness of the pub.Namjoon didn’t care that his friends were undoubtedly staring at them and about the interrogation they would do when they had class together on Monday. He didn’t care if he made a bad first impression on Agust’s friends. He didn’t care about the other patrons at the pub, and if they were disturbed by their public display of affection - and, even worse, a gay public display of affection.
All Namjoon cared about was how his silly little heart seemed so soothed by Agust’s hand’s resting on his back; by the way his thumbs were mindlessly caressing him.All he cared about was how it seemed like Agust wanted this, needed this, as much as Namjoon did.After what felt like an eternity, and way too short at the same time, Agust moved to stretch his back, and when he lowered his arms again, his forearms rested on Namjoon’s shoulders, and his hands found purchase at Namjoon’s nape, gently rolling his hair between his fingers, massaging his neck.
Namjoon’s own hands were firmly planted on Agust’s waist.“You’re so pretty…” Agust whispered after a while, and it made Namjoon smile a soft and tender smile.“You’re pretty,” he said back and Agust scuffed, but he, too, was unable to wipe the smile off his face.
“I missed you, Yoongi,” he continued. And he saw all the ‘I’m sorry’s’ and the ‘I missed you, too’s’ in Agust’s bittersweet smile. So he tried to kiss the worries away and added, “The past is the past. Please don’t feel bad. I have already forgiven you, remember? For right now, I’m just so happy we found each other again.”Agust mouthed a wordless ‘Thank you’, but couldn’t get himself to actually say the words, since guilt was still tugging at his chest. Instead, he continued to card his hands through Namjoon’s hair, and studied the man he had come to be.“You’d look great with blonde hair,” he then said, after a while. Loosening the atmosphere a little, making Namjoon chuckle.“Yeah?” Namjoon replied and saw Agust nod in confirmation. “Or, I could get a perm again. Tall on top and with the side shaved. Like the hairstyle I rocked back in ‘07?”Then it was Agust’s time to chuckle, and he couldn’t help but lean his head back, exposing his throat and his bobbing Adam's apple. It was an almost soundless, but shoulder shaking chuckle that Namjoon remembered from when they were young. Namjoon loved that sound. Loved making Agust laugh. Loved making him feel happy, feel good.
Agust then leaned his head back down again and rubbed his nose against Namjoon’s and mumbled “God, you’re great,” before kissing him again.So Namjoon pulled him closer and deepened the kiss, which made Agust squirm a little.In the end, Namjoon had to pull away again.
“Not to ruin the mood but you’re sitting on my bladder and I really have to pee,” he said apologetically. “Off you go, then,” Agust smiled and leaned down to connect their lips again. Whilst kissing him, he slowly got up from Namjoon’s lap, and their lips detached as Agust fell back into his own chair.Namjoon truly didn’t really want to go; didn’t want to ruin this perfect moment. But his bladder was screaming for release, so he quickly nodded and was out of his chair soon after, heading towards the restrooms.
But before he entered, he saw some motion in his peripheral vision; and it was moving fast towards the table that Namjoon had just left. So he swirled back quickly, and just managed to grab Veronica’s wrist.“Oh no no no no,” he said, as he reeled her in. In front of her, Gabriella had stopped dead in her tracks.
“Where do you think you’re going, huh? And don’t tell me you were going to the bar. Nobody sneaks around like thieves from a children’s cartoon when going to the bar.”“We, uh…” Veronica tried, not even fighting Namjoon’s hold. Instead, she looked at Gabriella, and her eyes screamed ‘help me’.“We’re just… curious?” Gabriella said with raised shoulders, spreading out her arms. Her voice was quiet and timid, and she tried her best at looking innocent.Namjoon just shook his head, didn’t believe a word they said. They were just far enough away from Agust and his friends for their voices not to carry over, but he knew exactly what they were doing.“Please, please leave him alone,” he said, and let go of Veronica. “I really don’t want to fuck this up and I don’t want you to fuck this up on my behalf, either.”“Don’t worry!” Gabriella tried. “We’ll just have a look, and-”“You’ll do fuck all”, a stern voice suddenly said and all 3 heads turned to see Ashley actually coming from the bar, pints in hands.
“You’ll go and sit your ass down and leave Namjoon’s date alone.” And damn, Ashley would make a great lawyer one day, because her voice was assertive. You didn’t want to question her, and both Veronica and Gabriella mumbled some apologies and followed Ashley back to their table like ducklings in a row.Namjoon sighed and then quickly went to relieve the building pressure in his bladder.When Namjoon came back, he noticed 2 things: 1) Agust’s two friends were gone; their coats no longer hanging on the back of their chairs and the table had been cleared. 2) Agust was no longer sitting in his seat; instead he was standing, looking at Namjoon a little bewildered.Namjoon was about to ask what had happened, when Agust took two steps towards him and said “It’s September 12th.” 
Which made Namjoon momentarily confused because… yes it was?Then Agust continued. “It’s your birthday, innit? I can’t believe we’ve spoken all evening and I didn’t wish you a happy birthday.”Ah, that’s what suddenly worried Agust. How… cute. And the fact that Agust cared warmed Namjoon so much and made him feel a little brave.“Well, you could come here and make up for it?” He said with a cheeky smile and opened his arms in invitation.
And Agust took the invitation and shimmered into Namjoon’ arms, placed his hands on Namjoon’s jaw and pulled him into a kiss. It wasn’t as careful, as tentative as their first kiss. This was more assured, now that they knew that they both wanted this.
Maybe this knowledge was what made Agust a little courageous as well, because he slowly licked Namjoon’s lips open. So then they were kissing with tongue and Namjoon was more excited about this than he wanted to admit.It was also the first time Namjoon kissed someone with lip piercings; let alone 5. But he found that the smooth, warm metal on Agust’s double snake bite was an incredible addition to normal kissing, and when Namjoon slipped in his tongue and felt the back of Agust’s medusa piercing, it also excited him more than he wanted to admit.“What do you want for your birthday?” Agust asked in a whisper and kissed Namjoon on that soft spot right between his jaw and throat.“I just want you,” Namjoon replied without even thinking. And he meant that he just wanted to spend his time with Agust, rekindle their relationship, get to know him again. But he quickly realised it sounded a whole lot different. That it sounded suggestive, and like kissing wasn’t enough.He was just about to apologise for the way it came out and to clarify, when he saw Agust’s eyes turn dark before slotting their mouths together again, tongue and all.“Please tell me you’re a top”, he whispered as he licked into Namjoon’s mouth between kisses, a desperate tone to the statement.
And Namjoon couldn’t do anything but nod, answering a short “fuck yeah” as a reply, which prompted a needy whine from Agust.“I-I think my roommate might be out?” Namjoon panted, doing his absolute best not to grind down on Agust in the middle of the pub.“I live alone.”After that it was a quick process. They were out of the pub and in a cab in record time, totally oblivious to prying eyes, judging stares and people mumbling about them. They did have a brief discussion about whether to take a taxi or the tube.“We can’t really snog in a cab”, Agust noted. “It’s rude.”
“If we take a cab, we’ll be home quicker and I can fuck you sooner”, Namjoon argued so clearly there wasn’t any reason to discuss and the extra fare money was very well spend.When they giggling stumbled out of the cab, after paying a rather amused cab driver, their lips quickly found each other again, and after a short while, Agust’s back found a wall. He was pinned against it by strong arms and he loved every second of it.But at some point, he had to gently push Namjoon away so he could find his keys and they could move things to the flat, instead of just eating each other’s faces in the middle of a street. And Namjoon smiled that dimpled smile at him again, and Agust’s heart fluted and he couldn’t help but smile back.While he was fishing his keys out of his pockets, he noticed Namjoon looking around.“Haven’t been much to this part of town, I reckon?”“No, not really,” Namjoon chuckled and slid one hand into Agust’s empty. “I’ve been to Camden Market a few times. Often when friends from back home were visiting. It’s an iconic place, really. But not really my place.”
And he turned his head, and looked back at Agust instead of looking at the houses. “But it seems like your place.”“I really like it here.” And Agust did. Camden felt like home. It was the first time he’d been somewhere that gave him that feeling other people described when talking about coming home. Here he could be himself. He could walk the streets without much fuss; in Camden he fit the vibe and blended right in with the scene, the store fronts and the street art.
Here he could just be. For the first time in his life.Agust tugged Namjoon along to the nearest display window,“This is the second hand store I talked about. Where I work, sometimes.”The store was dark but the street lamps provided enough light for the clothes on the front-most mannequins to be seen.It was grunge and punk and alternative. It was chains and patches and rips and studs. It was unlike any second hand store Namjoon had seen, but it was a second hand store that definitely needed to exist and especially in a place like this.“You see that hoodie back there, with the stripy, knit front pocket? I did that. Knitted it myself and sewed it on. I’ve made a couple, actually. They usually get sold quite quickly.”
Agust pointed at a hoodie hanging in the back; it was a little difficult to see in the darkness, but the hand knitted front pocket did stand out, with its lighter and brighter contrasting the dark hoodie. Namjoon knew very little about knit and knitting, and he couldn’t see it very clearly, but from what he could see, he thought the knit looked very meticulously made with consistent stitches. Because everything Agust did was meticulous and thought through.
But what he could see very clearly was that subtle hint of pride in Agust’s eyes, because even after all these years, Namjoon could read Agust like a book.So he pulled Agust close, put an arm around him and kissed his temple.
“It looks good. I’m so happy you found a place and some people to call home.”Agust just hummed in agreement and leaned into the kiss a little, before he said ‘Come on’ and tugged Namjoon along towards a door on the side of the shop.The door led to a hallway, where the entrance to the shop was as well. Agust explained that this door was open in the daytime, so that the entrance to the shop was visible.
At the end of the hallway was another door, and Agust used another key to get them through that. They then crossed a small courtyard, neatly decorated with fairy lights and outdoor furniture, and were then greeted by a tall, spiral staircase, and Namjoon was honestly a little sceptical about it all but Agust walked like it was second nature. Agust’s boots military boots echoed on the metal, but he continued up.
“It’s dark, so be careful,” Agust said and continued up and Namjoon followed him like he was the only light in the dark.
Finally, they came to a little roofed landing and Namjoon saw a door, with a cute little door mat in front, a shoe rack and some potted plants. “Oh, this is different,” Namjoon said and tried not to sound too out of breath.“Huh?” Agust simply replied and when Namjoon turned to look at him, he saw that behind them were another two steps and yet another door that Agust was about to open.
“Oh, that’s Old Mrs. Williams’ flat.” He said matter-of-factly and disappeared through the door. Namjoon quickly followed and saw Agust make a short walk over a roof and there, in the moonlight, was a wall of glass, and as Namjoon came closer he realised that Agust’s living room was behind those windows. Namjoon would probably never have found the glass door in the darkness (the glare from the moon made it impossible for him to spot the Ripndip doormat on the inside of the door), but Agust of course found the door with ease and used yet another key to finally get into his home.Agust turned on a little light and started to untie his boots.Namjoon was quick to toe off his sneakers and was honestly a little overwhelmed by it all. The sheer placement of the flat seemed like a weird fever dream, but here he was. Through 4 doors, across a courtyard, over a roof and up a spiral staircase, but here he was indeed. In Agust’s flat, in the middle of his living room. And he had never seen a place that felt so incredibly like Agust.
The walls were decorated with artwork; posters of old, British punk bands, painted canvas frames, posters with political statements and something Namjoon was pretty sure were setlists from concerts.
To Namjoon’s left, there was a yellow and a blue couch, a coffee table with an empty cup of tea and some school work scattered about. A guitar was standing in the corner, next to Agust’s little shoe shelf that was bursting with platforms, leather boots, Dr. Martens and worn out Converses. 
On his right, he saw a round wooden table with 4 chairs, and behind it a large, irregular shaped bookcase, which seemed to span until the end of the rectangular room. Namjoon followed it with his eyes until he saw… another metal staircase? A lot narrower than the first one, but Agust had a spiral staircase. In the middle of his flat, separating his living room from what Namjoon assumed was the kitchen.“You… have a staircase. In the apartment? What… what is this place?” His voice was filled with wonder as he followed the long bookcase.“I know, right?” Agust agreed and straightened back up, boots off. 
“I don’t know how this place came to be. But it’s such a safe haven, and I’m so glad Katie let me stay here. It was supposed to be a temporary thing, but she’s moved in with her girlfriend, so now I’m actually on the lease and… yeah.” He shrugged.He took Namjoon’s jacket and hung it and draped it over the back of one of the dining chairs.
“Do… you want a tour?” He then asked, tentatively. He knew what they’d come here for, but Namjoon did seem genuinely interested, so there was nothing wrong in asking.And Namjoon was quick to say yes, please, so that settled it.As Namjoon had followed the bookcase and was basically in the kitchen already, Agust decided to join him and start the tour there.“So yeah, the kitchen is here. If you, I dunno, want coffee in the morning or something, just take what you need.”
He turned and walked back a little. “The living room is, well. This. What you see is what you get, there isn’t much to it. So, come on up.” And he started to walk up the stairs.From the steps of the spiral stairs, strings hung with photos attached with pegs. Namjoon just managed to get a glimpse of a candid photo of Agust and Jin, who Namjoon immediately recognised; it was fair to say that Jin had gotten older, yes, but looked almost exactly like he did when they all lived in Derry.
But Namjoon didn’t use his time to go through Agust’s pictures. Instead he followed Agust up, and when he came to the landing, he looked directly at Agust’s bed, illuminated by the moon shining in from the overhead window in the slanted roof, and a lamp on a bedside table.Agust stood at the end of the bed, taking off his denim vest and putting it on a hanger. The entire wall was covered in clothing, as pipes had been hung to make homemade clothing racks.“Bathroom is behind you, if you need.” Agust said, and walked back towards Namjoon and nudged him to follow. On the other side of the landing was a walled in box, of sorts. The only walls except the outer walls, as the entire downstairs was an open area.
Entering it through the door on the side showed a small bathroom with a toilet and sink, shower stall and a washing machine. Namjoon looked a bit big and out of place in the small bathroom, but it fit everything one might need. He smiled at the small bowl by the sink, which held a variety of piercing jewellery and loose barbell balls. Even the bathroom felt so like Agust.“This is such a cool place,” Namjoon nodded and exited the bathroom again. “My absolute only critique would be that the toilet is on the first floor. Like, imagine coming home super drunk and having to pee, but you need to take off your shoes AND then get up another set of stairs?” Namjoon chuckled, and Agust did as well.“I mean… yeah, I get it.” Agust replied. “But I spend most of my time up here anyways.”
He grabbed Namjoon by the elbow and took him to the place behind the bathroom.
It was darker back here, but Namjoon clearly saw desks filled with music equipment; he didn’t know what the stuff was, but there were things with buttons and switches and chords everywhere. There was an electrical keyboard on one of the desks, guitars on the wall and, well, of all the rooms, this was definitely the most Agust. And he was clearly so excited about his little studio, because he went over all the equipment, telling Namjoon what all the different things did, which led him to tell about some of the projects he’d been working on, songs he’d produced. Namjoon soaked it in like a sponge; stored all the information in his big brain for later.As Agust was talking, he kept holding Namjoon by the elbow, so when he was done, Namjoon was quick to pull Agust close and put his arms around him.
Namjoon really wanted to tell him that he was smart and talented and hardworking, and how proud he was of everything he’d achieved and how happy he was that he was finally living a life worth living, and a life that suited him so well.
All boiled down to him just whispering “you’re so amazing” into Agust’s hair, but for some reason, it was like Agust understood the sentiment behind those words.He then turned Agust around in his embrace so they were front to front, and put his arms around Agust and placed his hands in his back pockets, and gave his butt the lightest squeeze.
But when he tried to go for a kiss, Agust buried his head in Namjoon’s neck, which made Namjoon retreat his hands and place them somewhere safer.“Are you alright? It’s okay if you’ve changed your mind.” Namjoon said, voice levelled, and tried to hold Agust in a way that should be comforting, but not restricting.“I’m afraid of fucking this up, again.” Agust whispered, breath hot against Namjoon’s neck.“I forgave you, Yoon.” Namjoon said and kissed Agust’s forehead, holding him tighter. “We’re all good, we’re starting over. Stop being so hard on yourself.”And they stood there for a while, Namjoon gently rocking Agust back and forth. At some point, Agust’s arms moved, and it was his turn to gently squeeze Namjoon’s butt. It made Namjoon smile.“You’re good?” He asked, and when Agust nodded in confirmation, Namjoon’s smile grew wider.“Oh god, those dimples,” Agust said, voice quiet, but he couldn’t help but dive in, kissing Namjoon right where the dimples were, before finding his lips yet again. “I’ve always loved your dimples.”That statement spurred Namjoon on more than he was willing to admit. 
“You’re sure you wanna do this?” He asked between kisses, wanting to make sure that Agust was okay and comfortable.Agust pulled away from the kiss and nodded. 
“Yeah. And you? I didn’t scare you away yet?” He teased.“I don’t think you could, even if you tried”, Namjoon said with a low chuckle, before he went back for a kiss.Feeling confident again, Agust slid both his hands under Namjoon’s shirt, slowly moving them upwards towards his chest. Their eyes were locked together, Agust looked for any little sign that Namjoon didn’t want him to touch, but he couldn’t find any - quite the opposite.“Let’s take this to the bed?” Agust whispered, and Namjoon hummed into his mouth as a reply.Namjoon’s lips felt lonely the second they had to pull away from each other, even though they were back in the bedroom and on the bed in less than 10 seconds.
Their mouths slotted together again, and it became hot and messy, then turned desperate. And when Agust’s hands found purchase on Namjoon’s pecs, this time on top of the shirt, Namjoon really couldn’t wait to feel skin against skin.“Can I take off your shirt?” Namjoon breathed, as they broke apart to heave in some fresh breaths of air.“Only if I can take off yours.”They shuffled around in the bed a bit - Namjoon ended up getting his leg stuck in the duvet - before they were finally sitting opposite each other, each on their knees, keen hands pulling the other’s shirt over his head.
Namjoon immediately noticed that Agust was spotted with tattoos all over his torso. Some were small, like a pound coin. Others were big, but all of them were in greyscale, Agust’s pale skin the perfect canvas. Some of them were beautiful, and some of them looked like they were made by inexperienced hands in a rush and on a whim. And Namjoon could have looked at him all night, in the dim light from the lamp on the nightstand, but his thoughts were interrupted by Agust placing a kiss to his sternum, and mumbling something about a birthmark. “Oh, you mean my wine stain?” Namjoon said with a laugh, but Agust shook his head. “It’s a beauty mark, and it’s so fucking hot. You really are a work of beauty.” He insisted, and kissed the mark again, before kissing his way up in the search for Namjoon’s lips - and then Namjoon lurched forward and his mouth found Agust’s as Agust’s back hit the mattress.Sure, the air got knocked out of him slightly, but the sound that escaped Agust was a chuckle. An unfiltered, unadulterated laugh of happiness, as Namjoon reciprocated by kissing his way along Agust’s jaw, down his neck, right at his sternum.He then sat up and reached out to stroke some loose hair away from Agust’s forehead
“What do you want me to do?” Namjoon said, voice low and loving but oh so filled with arousal.“Just… fuck me?” Agust breathed, not knowing why he phrased it as a question. Namjoon had asked him a question, and he was quite sure what he wanted; he wanted Namjoon inside of him. There was no poetic way of describing it; it was what he craved.
And given that he could see Namjoon’s half hard dick straining against his trousers, there really wasn’t any point in asking if that was something the other was interested in.Luckily, Namjoon didn’t take the question as unsureness. He just smiled, big and dimpled and Agust’s fucking loved it. But then Namjoon crawled off the bed and Agust already missed Namjoon’s weight on him.“I’m gonna take these off,” Namjoon said, going for the fly in Agust’s trousers, and when Agust confirmed, he opened the fly and got the tartan fabric off, before hooking his fingers in the waistband of Agust’s pants and got them off as well. Then he pushed his own set off his hips, clumsily stepping out of it as it reached his ankles, toes getting slightly caught in the fabric.Agust was incredibly smitten by it all, and instead of just laying there, giggling as a lovestruck teenager and gawking at how beautiful a naked Namjoon was, he toed off his socks and then went to the drawer in his nightstand to get some condoms and a bottle of lube.
The condoms were placed on the nightstand, before he sat up and tried to find a comfortable position; on his knees, sitting back on his heels. Yeah, he could reach from here. He opened the bottle and was about to squirt something onto his fingers, when he felt the mattress dip and looked up.“Can I stretch you?” Namjoon asked, reaching for the bottle.“Do… do you want to?” Agust asked, brow arched in confusion, but he handed over the bottle anyways.“If you let me, yeah. Why? Is that weird?” Namjoon said as he scooted further into the bed, sitting cross legged.“Not weird,” Agust confirmed, and sat back down, suddenly not knowing what to do with himself.
“Absolutely not weird, just… Most guys I’ve been with find bodily functions a little disgusting. Like, they don’t want to get faced with an asshole if at all avoidable.”Namjoon just shook his head while squirting a liberal amount of lube into his right hand. “Well, I happen to like it. Stretching a partner, I mean. I like making them feel good.” He said and… was that a blush?
“Come here,” he used his clean hand to grab Agust’s wrist and pull him towards him. “Sit in my lab?”And Agust compiled, straddling Namjoon’s thighs again, just like he did at the bar and God, he loved this position. Especially because Namjoon’s face was right there. He could so easily move forward, just a tiny bit, and connect their lips. So he did. He kissed Namjoon, tongue and all, carting both his hands through Namjoon’s hair, making him moan.“Let me know if you’re uncomfortable and ready, yeah?” Namjoon said, all breathy.Agust hummed, “I’m good, I’m ready,” and he continued kissing Namjoon, continued to lick into his mouth, continued scraping the piercings on his bottom lip over Namjoon’s, before kissing him again, deep and needy.Namjoon wrapped one arm around Agust to support him, while the other arm snuck down behind. And when Namjoon pressed in the first finger, Agust shivered at the feeling of something wet, warm and persistent pushing against his hole, and when Namjoon finally entered, Agust moaned low, right into Namjoon’s mouth.“Yeah, that’s good,” he sighed, airy and light.They stayed like this for a while, exchanging heated kisses and low whines, as Namjoon worked Agust open with one finger, and Agust ran his hands all over Namjoon’s head, shoulders, back, chest, arms - exploring every inch of skin.Then Namjoon inserted another finger and Agust buried his face in Namjoon’s shoulder and whined yeses and pleases, and he let Namjoon shower his neck and shoulder with soft kisses and praises.When Namjoon inserted a third finger, though, Agust couldn’t help but throw his head back, and the moan that escaped him was deep and primal.
“Oh yes,” he chanted. “Oh yes, yes, fuck, yes.”“I love to hear you,” Namjoon said and kissed along Agust’s collar bones. Agust just replied by moaning back, as Namjoon continued to work him open.“I’m good, I’m good,” Agust breathed, using a hand to clear his bangs which were sticking to his sweaty forehead.
“I’m ready, please, Joonie.” And he kissed him again, pleading.“Okay.” And Namjoon couldn’t help but smile. He found Agust so beautiful, all glistening and flushed pink.
He pulled his fingers out of Agust, who whined at the loss. So Namjoon kissed him again, and kept kissing him, until Agust was laying down in bed with Namjoon hovering over him. His wet hand smeared bedsheets. Neither of them cared.“You’re so beautiful,” Agust said, still all breathy. One of his hands was tracing Namjoon’s pecs and shoulders, admiring the man in front of him. The other he wrapped about his own dick, giving it a squeeze just to release some of the tension that had pooled in his stomach.“And that comes from you,” Namjoon laughed, dimples still out. It made Agust smile.Namjoon sat back on his heels, running his hands along Agust’s legs in the process. For a second, he just admired Agust in all his naked glory, but he was too occupied with what was about to happen to truly just sit there and enjoy. So instead, he looked towards the nightstand and asked “did you have condoms?”“Yeah,” Agust replied and half sat up again, turning and grabbing a condom from the nightstand. Then he turned towards Namjoon and said “here, let me,” and for the first time, he really looked at Namjoon’s dick.He’d always known that Namjoon was big. He’d seen his dick before. Showering before going to the pool, whilst changing clothes, that stuff. But he’d never really, like, looked at it.
The year they dated as teenagers, they never did anything more than kissing. They felt too young and insecure about it all, and, at least Agust, was too busy with hiding his sexuality from his parents to experiment with sex.
But now, he got to see Namjoon. All of Namjoon. And how big he was. How big he actually was when his dick got hard.
 
And that was going in him. Oh, how he couldn’t wait.“Can I?”, Agust asked, holding the condom, and he sounded as small as he felt.“Sure,” Namjoon just smiled and leaned back on his hands, oblivious to Agust’s inner turmoil.Agust opened the foil with practised hands, scooted forward a pit and placed the condom on Namjoon’s tip, holding it in place with one hand and rolling it down with the other and god, the girth of that man. Agust’s face was completely flushed pink, and didn’t even notice he was holding his breath.“... Are you alright?”, Namjoon asked, raising an eyebrow. A little confused about Agust’s sudden change in colour. Agust looked up, caught Namjoon’s gaze. He gulped, swallowing the saliva that had gathered in his mouth. It made Namjoon smirk.
 
“... Like what you see?” He then asked, his tone teasing. He’d caught on and knew exactly what was happening.“You’re just… so big,” and Agust was whining again, giving Namjoon a couple of strokes before looking at him again, this time with pleading eyes.How could Namjoon resist?Once again they got Agust on his back, Namjoon propping him up on pillows to make sure he was comfortable, and Agust absolutely loved that Namjoon was so gentle and caring.
Then Namjoon dived in for one more kiss, all heavy and needy, before he rested his forehead against Agust’s.“Ready?” He asked, looking for any signs that Agust had changed his mind but found none.“Yeah,” Agust replied, voice breathy and barely audible, but filled with anticipation.With one last kiss Namjoon sat back up, aligned himself with Agust’s hole and pressed in. Gently at first, and then slightly harder once he knew that Agust was good. It didn’t take him long to bottom out, and under him, Agust was laying with his eyes closed in blissful pleasure.They started off at a slow pace, bodies still adjusting. Namjoon bent down to brace himself on either side of Agust, so he could place sloppy kisses on his lips, while Agust moaned small, satisfied ‘hn’s every time Namjoon’s hips collided with his.‘It feels so goods’, and ‘you feel so goods’, and ‘oh yeses’ and ‘oh fucks’ were exchanged by breathy voices between and wet kisses, as beads of sweat collected in Namjoon’s eyebrows.When Namjoon sped up, his thrusts quick and shallow, Agust unintentionally left nail marks on Namjoon’s skin.“Please, Namjoon,” Agust whined. “Harder. Fuck me good.”So Namjoon straightened up, and yanked Agust towards him by the legs. He managed to get another pillow under him, and with all the power he had in him after a long day and quite a few beers, he fucked Agust deep and hard.
The angle made Namjoon’s cock hit Agust’s prostate, and just two thrusts in, Agust was completely gone. His hands left Namjoon and instead he clutched the sheets like his life depended on it. And he moaned, loud and uncontrolled, along with his irregular breathing.
And Namjoon groaned at the heat end the tightness, and how fucking good it felt to be with Agust, how good it felt to be dicking him down and make him be loud from pleasure.Agust’s breath gradually became more and more staggered, as his moans got more and more high pitched, and he tried to lift a hand to wank himself off, so he could finally come. But he couldn’t. His hand kept twisting up, and he kept clutching the bedsheets, as they were the ones who anchored him and kept him on this mortal plan.
But Namjoon; sweet, aware and observant Namjoon, noticed what was going on and being right on the breaking point himself, he quickly ran a hand along Agust’s crack, collecting whatever lube he could, before he wrapped his fingers around Agust’s cock and jerked him off. It didn’t take long before several things happened all at once; Agust’s entire body spasmed, and involuntary threw his head back resulting in him snorting as white squirted from his dick; a little hitting his stomach, but most of it pooling along Namjoon’s hand.
As he tugged on Agust’s dick to help him through his orgasm, he placed a thumb on the slit and pressed, before rolling his thumb around his head in circular motions, smearing the cum around and sending jolts of pleasure through Agust’s already mind-boggling orgasm, causing him to whine; loudly, high pitched and so absolutely happy.
And as Namjoon fucked Agust into over-sensitivity, Agust tightened around him and soon after, Namjoon came, too. With a low and primal groan and a few swear words as he filled the condom. He let go off Agust’s cock, abling himself to lay chest to chest with Agust, and kiss the other’s jaw as he whimpered on every exhale.For a while they both just layed there, catching their breath and exchanging lazy kisses. Eventually, Namjoon’s softening cock slipped out of Agust, who whined at the loss. Namjoon was keen on kissing the worries away and moved to cup Agust’s face, but as he dragged his hands over Agust’s body, he realised he just left a trail of cum along Agust’s ribs and chest.“Oh no, I’m.. I’m so sorry, I-'' Namjoon started, but Agust just laughed and put a finger to Namjoon's lips.“Don’t, it’s okay, really.” And then he moved his hand to pull Namjoon in for another kiss, before he leaned his forehead against Namjoon’s. 
“Thank you. This was amazing.”“You’re amazing,” Namjoon said, and Agust groaned at the compliment but couldn’t stop smiling. “No, I mean it. You’re amazing, and this… yeah.”Namjoon rubbed their noses together and then kissed Agust again before sitting up, moving to get both feet on the floor. He removed the condom and tied a knot. He was just about to ask where he could deposit it, when he felt the mattress shift as Agust sat up.
“There’s a bin in the bathroom,” Agust said, and Namjoon felt him leaving small pecks on his shoulder.
“I’m gonna go take a shower. Someone smeared cum all over me.” But before Namjoon could reciprocate the teasing, Agust kissed his shoulder again and said “Join me?” 
There barely was room enough in Agust’s shower stall to fit two people, which just meant they had to stand even closer together, wet skin slipping on wet skin.Even though their mouths were raw and almost numb at this point, there was more kissing as they took turns standing under the warm stream of water.
Agust shampooed Namjoon’s hair before lathering his body with shower gel, not hiding the fact that it was just an excuse to run his hands all over Namjoon’s body, feel every muscle and curvature; from collarbone to shoulder blades, the dip of his pecs, his hip bones and his ribs. 
Agust also examined the scratch marks he had left and apologised, and Namjoon told him not to worry and that he was welcome to do it again another time, and Agust lighted up and asked if there would be another time and Namjoon told him he hoped so.Agust’s hair required a bit more thorough washing as large amounts of teasing and hairspray were needed to sustain his hairstyle, but he would gladly let Namjoon massage shampoo into his skull any day.
In the end, the hot water and the strain after a long day with classes, drinking, rekindling and sex meant that sleep and exhaustion was slowly taking over, as the adrenaline disappeared.Agust found a clean towel for Namjoon and a spare toothbrush, as he retrieved his own stuff. And there they were, standing side by side in the small bathroom, towels around their hips, brushing their teeth and Namjoon couldn’t help but feel all warm on the inside from how domestic and natural it all felt.Agust dried off his body and hair and couldn’t bother putting on clothes. Instead, he went to change the bedsheet, and not knowing what to do with himself, Namjoon decided to just lean against the door to the bathroom, and admire Agust a bit from afar, just for a moment.Freshly showered, Agust’s hair was no longer sticking up; instead it was tousled and soft, hanging softly and framing his face.
Namjoon also just realised now that Agust must have worn make-up earlier; some dark eyeliner or something, because now that Agust’s face was completely stripped of it, he looked so much more… delicate. Just, soft, and downy and downright kissable.He’d missed him.So Namjoon went to help with changing the sheets, and said something that made Agust chuckle, and after discarding the soiled sheets in a pile on the floor, they crawled under the covers and tangled themselves in each other’s arms, exchanging tired kisses and caresses. Agust mumbled a final ‘happy birthday’, and snuggled himself against Namjoon’s chest, until sleep finally overtook them both.📖🌱🦀When Namjoon woke, his entire vision was obscured by black and blue hair. He smiled and breathed in the scent that was both intriguingly new and comfortably familiar.He detangled himself from Agust’s sleeping form, willed his numb arms to cooperate and sat up, resting against the headboard. He usually slept on his back, but he’d fallen asleep on his side, softly kissing warm lips until sleep took over. He wasn’t used to the feeling in his shoulders after sleeping on his side, but he didn’t entirely hate it.He reached over, careful not to wake the other, and grabbed his phone from the bedside table and saw that he had been swarmed by Happy Birthday messages across different social media platforms and on text all through yesterday.
It was nice. Namjoon liked that people took the time to think about him and send him a greeting on his birthday, and answering the messages gave him something to do whilst he contemplated what happened yesterday.In some ways, last night felt like a fever dream. Namjoon had been through almost his entire arsenal of emotions; disbelief, hurt, a hint of anger, sadness. But then it was comforting, fun, exciting, familiar, nice and want and… love?Or was it? Was it love, or was it just alcohol and a spur of the moment, and some primal need for attention?
He dropped his phone and looked at the other. No. It wasn’t just alcohol or lust. This was… Namjoon wasn’t sure, but it was so much more than just that. It was something bigger.Maybe it was because Namjoon had gotten some answers to questions he’d asked himself for years, or maybe it was because he got his former best friend back. Namjoon didn’t know what it was, but he felt… good. He felt whole in a way he couldn’t describe. Like yesterday had mended something in him he had forgotten was broken. It had happened organically, naturally. Kinda like it was meant to be.Whatever it was, it felt right.He got halfway through a reply when he put his phone down and looked at Agust again. He looked so peaceful. Hell, he looked cute. So small and squishy and downright adorable - and Namjoon could hear Ashley’s voice arguing that a grown man with that amount of tattoos and facial piercings could hardly be described as cute, but cute seemed like the perfect adjective right now.
He so wanted to stroke Agust’s hair, trace the soft line of his cheeks, kiss him. Something. But he didn’t want to disturb the other’s peaceful slumber.Namjoon didn’t like to sleep when he was younger. Saw it as a waste of time. There were so many things he would rather do than just be unconscious on his bed. It was only as he had gotten a little older, and his body started to crave rest in a different way, that he’d started to appreciate sleep. Now that he was doing a masters, there were often things he had to do which prevented him from sleeping, rather than things he wanted to do that sleep prevented him from.
Whereas Agust loved to sleep when they were teenagers. Namjoon remembered that from their sleepovers, both before and after they started to - secretly - sleep in the same bed. Agust used to talk about sleep kind of an escape and Namjoon didn’t understand that at all. Knowing what Agust went through back then, he got it. All the more reason not to disturb him.So when Namjoon’s phone lit up, signalling an incoming call, he carefully crawled out of the bed, quickly grabbed his underwear from the floor and went down the spiral staircase.“Hi mum”, he smiled and held the phone between his ear and shoulder as he put on his pants. There was no way he was talking to his mother with his dick out.“Happy birthday, pumpkin!”There was a hum of cars and birds in the background, so his mum was probably out for her Saturday walk, which warmed his heart. Namjoon had definitely inherited his love of nature from his mum.
But, his mum usually walked right before lunch and - he took his phone from his ear to look at the clock, and wow it was already 11:15, did they really sleep for that long?“Thanks, mum.”“Didn’t want to call you yesterday, you were probably busy. Did you get my text?”“I did!” He said, even though he hadn’t actually seen it. “Yes, thanks. Was actually just replying to all the messages.”“Yeah, you probably got flooded. What did you do yesterday? Did you have a good day?”
He could hear a large truck or something drive past her, muffling her words.“My day was great. I just went out with some friends. Nothing fancy,” he replied as he paced around the ground floor, moving to the kitchen to get some water.“Oh, you went out?” His mum giggled. “Are you hungover? Did I wake you?”And Namjoon couldn’t help but chuckle back. “Aha, no-no. It was just a few beers. Nothing wild. I’m all good, been awake for a while (15 minutes is a while, he thought) and, yeah.”
With a full glass of water in his hand, he started pacing around the flat again, looking at it for the first time in daylight.“Any plans for today? You’re not spending your birthday weekend alone, are you?”Namjoon was grateful his mother couldn’t see his face, because he couldn’t help but smile so wide, so giddily she would instantly know that something was up.
But he managed to control his voice, and reply in a light but neutral tone “Mum, relax. I won’t be alone, don’t worry.”“Oh, that’s good. Have you gotten any presents yet?”And Namjoon stopped and looked up the spiral staircase, up towards the bedroom and his smile became impossibly wider.“I think I may have gotten the greatest gift of all.”