Archive of Our Own

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Part I: Level of Concern

March 2020
Calum has thought a lot about how Luke and he met, sometimes it feels like it was pure chance, others like fate.It was years ago when Calum was in his first year of high school.
He had been sitting on a bench on campus, and truth be told, he doesn’t remember exactly what he had been doing there anymore. The visual memories of those moments are clear for the most part, but the conversations have faded away over time.He remembers the bright, almost blinding, white sun of the afternoon, but had he been waiting for a late class or someone, or had he been there just wasting time? It doesn't matter, really, but Calum wonders, because although that day he only talked to Luke for about twenty minutes, the mere meeting marked the start of what sometimes feels like a life-long journey, so Calum wishes he could remember every detail.Things as they are, the next memory he has is of Ashton— a guy with whom he hadn’t shared any classes, but who seemed to strike up conversation with anyone, including Calum, who wasn’t much of a talker— going up to him, all smiles and good mood.“Hey, Cal!” He’d said, his voice bright as he sat down next to Calum without needing an invitation.Calum had had no other choice but to openly smile back, the guy’s energy was instantly contagious. He doesn’t remember any of the chit-chat, but Calum at least knows that, in that moment, he noticed Ashton, persistent as he was with talking and talking, didn’t make him uncomfortable. Whatever words Calum managed to utter had been said with genuine interest.They’d chatted for a bit and then Ashton, idly watching the other students around, had perked up with the same attitude as a golden retriever and called out loud: “Luke!”About ten metres away, a guy had snapped his head towards them, recognizing Ashton after a few moments and then started walking in their direction.The first thing Calum had noticed was the green flannel worn over a black shirt, then the black skinny jeans and Vans, an outfit very similar to the one Calum had been wearing, except for the long-sleeved striped shirt underneath his black t-shirt.Ashton made the introductions as Luke sat down with them on the other end of the bench, setting his half-drunk bottle of Coca-Cola on the ground.In retrospect and knowing Ashton as he does now, it was no coincidence that he left once Luke and Calum were both actively talking— again, Calum can't remember about what.Once alone, Calum and Luke had walked outside to grab a cigarette on the dirty concrete steps of the piss-poor cafeteria in front of the school known as The Tent.While Calum wasn't as talkative with Luke as he was with Ashton— which wasn’t much anyway—, he felt strangely okay with talking to him, for a stranger.Calum suspected Luke was, like him, a bit of a social outsider, and the recognition of kindred spirits kept him at ease.With cigarette smoke clouding between them and black spots of what used to be pink bubblegum under their shoes, Luke asked what kind of music Calum listened to, and from then on, the conversation had been really easy.“What’s your favourite Radiohead album?” Calum had asked after Luke mentioned the band.Luke's chin - length curls swayed as he turned his head. “Pablo Honey,” the answer came immediately. “Yours?”“The Bends.”Luke nodded and smiled at him.They’d learnt that day that Radiohead, Arctic Monkeys and Linkin Park were their common ground (although Luke decidedly hated the latest Linkin Park album, which Calum couldn’t forgive).Calum had stayed for about ten minutes more and then went home, thinking of the encounter for the rest of the afternoon.The next day, Calum spotted Luke as he approached The Tent during one of his free periods (of which he had technically none; free meant that either the teacher didn’t attend or Calum had decided to ditch).The anxiety of deciding whether to say hi to Luke or not was growing rapidly inside Calum, but the moment Luke saw him, he waved and Calum didn’t have to worry anymore.After that, he would stumble upon Luke anywhere and everywhere; changing classrooms, at the cafeteria or bathrooms. It was as if Luke had not existed before, but upon meeting him suddenly he was everywhere.Where their friendship had really been forged, though, was at The Tent, where some other students— usually the “indie” ones— gathered before or after class, waiting for the bus, smoking cigarettes or just doing absolutely nothing.Little by little, Luke and Calum started making a sort of routine where they would wait for the other at The Tent in their free time, texting beforehand so the other would know, and always after school. At some point, Luke would even wait for Calum for an hour after classes were over, outside his Contemporary Dance classroom— the alternative Calum chose instead of Physical Education.Calum’s memories have faded partially because of time and partially because of the chronic depression he had in those days, so he doesn’t remember what exactly they did all that time together— besides showing each other new songs and talking about literally everything. But he does know that some days he would be getting home past 6 P.M., and these were, depression and all, some of the best moments of his teenage years.Now, looking back on his youth, Calum realises that even when he wasn't aware at the time, Luke was his only comfort and support system during those days. And he wishes things between them would've ended differently, that at least he could let Luke know how important he had been in keeping Calum going, even when Luke himself was going through his own struggles.Whatever complex image remains of that time in the valley of Calum’s mind, it has a kind of dark cloud of cynicism and pretentiousness— and depression— that hovers over Luke and Calum alike.Calum has thought a lot about when they met, but if he’s honest with himself, it’s been a long time since he’s done it.Although a very small interaction sets him off again.About two weeks ago, a quarantine was called in, and while Calum doesn't think that three weeks will be enough to decisively change the course of things— he suspects they're all going to be in it for at least a good six months—, he's trying to enjoy his unexpected free time as much as he can. That means, for the most part, sharing a lot of stupid memes on Facebook and overall being on his phone way too much.It's around 8 P.M. when a notification pops on Calum's screen:

Luke Hemmings commented on your post.
There is a moment of delayed confusion followed by surprise. It's the first time in maybe a year or two since he's heard of Luke. Calum taps on the notification to see which post it is.Once it opens, he sees it's his Quarantime Spotify playlist he just shared— which is full of songs with disease-related words in the title.Luke's comment reads:
Luke Hemmings (1 minute ago)

Can't believe Toxic by Britney isn't the first song
Calum replies to Luke:
Calum Hood (now)

A brief lapse of judgement, my apologies. Rectifying right away
Because Luke is absolutely right, how could Calum forget about adding that song?
Luke Hemmings (1 minute ago)

Thank you. I was starting to worry being inside was already taking a toll on you
Calum writes back:
Calum Hood (now)

Oh, no worries about that. You know I love me a hermit lifestyle, I still got a couple of isolation months in me

Luke Hemmings (1 minute ago)
🐌After Luke doesn't reply anything else, Calum allows himself to ponder about the interaction and the first thought in his mind is: The time out is over.The time out means that period when he knows that no matter how much he misses Luke or vice versa, they can't be together, they can't even speak to each other— a period of grief.Ever since Luke left high school and Calum's life, Calum has gone through very different emotions concerning Luke; from missing him to tears to not wanting to hear or see from him ever again, even wishing they had never met in the first place.Although it's been a few years since he's felt any of those things so intensely, he truly hasn't thought of Luke too much in general. A passerby might be wearing the same perfume or a certain song coming on shuffle will remind Calum of him, but the thoughts and feelings flee away quickly.This little interaction though, silly as it is, might mean that Calum and Luke can— maybe not necessarily be friends again, but at the very least old acquaintances on good terms.A flicker of hope sparks up in his chest.

November 2014
It's a particularly bad day for Calum, which is a lot to say considering he has been living the worst day of his life for about three years.Staring up at the ceiling, he thinks of how he woke up today and realised how he hasn't felt sad or angry in a while— it's not that he feels happy now, he just doesn't feel anything.There is irony in feeling numb, the thought crosses Calum's mind as he lays on his bed, closes his eyes and focuses on the music playing in his headphones.
His chest rising and falling with his slow breathing is the only indicator that he's alive, as for the rest, he isn't so sure.⧪The next day, Calum is sitting at The Tent with Luke. He realises he's asleep only when Luke is shaking him gently to wake him up.“Cal,” Luke says softly.Calum remembers leaning against Luke's shoulder minutes ago when they sat down, but can't recall closing his eyes.He also fell asleep during Math class earlier, Michael— Calum's classmate, with whom Calum spends most time when Luke isn't around— woke him up just before the teacher noticed.Bad days like yesterday lead to particularly terrible nights. Between battling insomnia and getting stuck in dreams inside dreams inside dreams— which are actually nightmares— or sleep paralysis, Calum is lucky if he can get a couple hours of rest. Last night he managed to doze in and out of consciousness for about two hours.Luke's voice is still almost too soft to hear if Calum wasn't sitting right next to him. “Do you have class?”Calum nods. “Chem,” he mumbles, voice rough with sleep.“Can you miss it?”Through the haze, Calum struggles to find the answer. Has he missed that class too much? No, only once, and he was sick.Calum nods again.“C’mon,” Luke squeezes his hand and helps him get up.Luke's hand lingers on his for a few moments and then drops to his side, but he stays close to Calum as they start walking. Calum doesn't ask where they're going, just follows.After a few blocks, Calum realises Luke is taking them to the park nearby. It's small but pretty, and at this hour the residential area surrounding it is extremely quiet and almost deserted.Luke leads them to the back of the park, where there are still some patches of green grass left. The trees already look like wittery hands with claws reaching out, though.They drop their backpacks on the ground and use them as pillows. Calum tries to open his eyes once he’s laying down, but the cloudy sky is too bright. He turns to lie on his side and finds Luke's blue eyes looking at him, Luke gives him a little smile and turns to his side as well.Calum crosses his arms, it's colder than usual today and his jacket is too light.“Are you cold?” Luke asks.He shakes his head instantly. “It's fine.”“Alright,” Luke says but scoots closer to Calum and opens his arms in offering.Calum is moving before he's aware of it. Only when he's fully in Luke’s embrace, Calum's head on his chest and Luke's warmth— he's always a little too warm— is leaching into Calum, does he have the mind to whisper: “Thanks.” In response, Luke gives him a light squeeze.As they lay in silence, Calum stares at the small freckles on Luke's neck, where the roots of his hair are so blonde they almost disappear against the pale skin.The feeling of falling makes Calum jolt awake. Luke is so warm Calum isn't cold anymore, but it's making him even more drowsy.“I'm going to fall asleep,” he says, pushing away from Luke, but Luke doesn't let go.“I'll wake you up before your next class,” Luke promises.Calum looks up at him and while there is kindness in his eyes— so much that he has to look down— Calum knows Luke isn't backing down.“Okay,” Calum agrees reluctantly and nuzzles again into Luke. “Just for a bit.”Luke holds him in his arms as Calum finally falls into a dreamless sleep.

February 2015
Calum just got out of his last class early so he heads out to wait for Luke at the Tent, but as he approaches, he sees Luke is already sitting there talking to someone.When Calum gets to the steps, he carelessly drops his backpack on the ground next to Luke’s. It’s so unnecessarily heavy for the amount of classes he has.Luke and the girl look up at him. “Hey, Cal,” Luke says, squinting at the sun.“Hey.” Calum leans in to kiss Luke on the cheek. On Wednesdays, their schedules don’t align, so it’s the first time he’s seen Luke in all day. And Calum doesn’t know who the girl is but he kisses her on the cheek as well.“This is Frances,” Luke tells him. “And this is Calum.”“Hi,” Frances smiles at him.Calum smiles back. “Nice to meet you.” He takes a seat next to Luke. “What were you guys doing?”“Just chatting about that weird smell Mr. Stevens always has,” Luke says.“Ugh, don’t even mention it,” Calum frowns and shakes his head. “It’s like naphthalene and…” He looks for his cigarettes in his backpack. “...burnt hair.”“Oh my God! That’s it!” Frances exclaims half laughing, her long black curls swaying with the movement.Luke shudders. “Fuck, that’s so spot on.”“Where do you think he gets the burnt hair smell from?” She asks.“I’m not sure I want to know,” Calum admits while lighting a cigarette.Luke makes a gesture to borrow Calum’s lighter so he hands it to him.“Oh, sorry” Calum remembers. “Do you want some?” He asks Frances, pointing at his cigarette.She shakes her head and smiles. “Thanks, I just had one.” Her dark honey eyes have a kind light to them, Calum notices. She’s really pretty.He nods in response just as she says: “Oh, that’s my ride.” She gets up and kisses Luke and Calum quickly on the cheek, then puts on a black velvet witchy-looking hat. “See you!”“Bye,” Luke tells her. Calum just took a drag of his cigarette so he waves at her.As she walks to the car waiting for her, Calum notices how Luke follows her with his eyes, and once the car starts moving away, she smiles openly at Luke and waves. He waves back, a lopsided smile on his lips.⧪The next day, Calum is trying in vain to find his lighter but it’s nowhere to be found. He looks in its usual pocket in his backpack for the second time and then he remembers handing it to Luke yesterday— he never gave it back.Calum grabs his phone.
Calum (10:32 a.m):

Hey, do you have my lighter?

Luke (10:35 a.m):

Ahh, yeah, it’s here with me
Well, Calum can always ask to borrow one from someone until he sees Luke after class.
Calum (10:35 a.m):

Okok

See you later

⧪
Calum (1:30 p.m):

I’m gonna grab something from the cafeteria before going out. Do you want anything?
Luke’s reply doesn't come until minutes later when Calum is a few steps away from the school’s exit:
Luke (1:47 p.m):

I left already, I'm with Frances
Calum halts for a moment when the words sink in.
Calum (1:48 p.m):

Cool! See you tomorrow
As Calum continues walking towards The Tent, a bit slower, there's a weird feeling in his chest. He can't put a name to it, but it's unpleasant. More than anything, it's odd that Luke didn't bother to tell him he was leaving earlier, but Calum tries not to think much about it.He sits by himself for about ten minutes at their usual spot and then goes home.⧪
Monday

Calum (10:18 a.m):

Hi

Where r u

Luke (4:05 p.m):

I didn't go to school lol
Yeah, I know, Calum thinks. He waited for Luke for about twenty minutes while eating his sandwich. By the time he was done, he had come to the conclusion that Luke wasn't going to show up.

Calum (4:06 p.m):

I figured lol

Everything okay?

Luke (7:34 p.m):

Yeah all good:)
Calum waits for Luke to send another text but none comes and he doesn't feel like making conversation either, so he lets it be. He’ll see Luke tomorrow anyway.⧪He does see Luke the next day, and the next one, but only for very short periods of time and not after school. Luke leaves with Frances as soon as they are free from class.After a couple of days, Calum can’t help but think he might have done something that made Luke upset because he isn’t texting back as often anymore. In fact, a week or so passes and Calum starts to feel like he’s being too insistent with his texts, as Luke’s get shorter and fewer.Two weeks later, on a dull Friday night at home, Calum can’t stand it anymore. His heart starts pounding in his throat as he grabs his phone, but he types anyway.
Calum (7:49 p.m):

Hey

Can we talk?
In the five minutes it takes Luke to answer, Calum’s hands start shaking.
Luke (7:54 p.m):

What’s up

Calum (7:54 p.m):

I just wanted to know if I said or did something to upset you, I feel like things have been weird lately

Luke (7:55 p.m):

No, it’s all good
Calum watches the three dots indicating Luke is typing appear and disappear several times, then:
Luke (7:56 p.m):

It’s just that I’m seeing Frances now

Calum (7:56 p.m):

I assumed so

It’s cool

But aren’t we gonna be friends anymore?
When Luke doesn’t respond in a while, Calum starts to feel a cold dread creep over him.
Luke (8:15 p.m):

I don’t think that would be good for anyone

Calum (8:16 p.m):

Why?

Luke (8:19 p.m):

I just can’t do it, Calum

Calum (8:20 p.m):

Do what? Have friends and a girlfriend?

What do you mean?

Luke (8:22 p.m):

The fact that you’re even asking that is why I can’t do this

Calum (8:22 p.m):

And can’t you bother to explain?
The cold dread finishes taking over Calum’s body and he starts to shake almost uncontrollably with a mix of anger and hurt, which, he realises, might be the first thing he’s felt in months.He grabs his headphones and turns the volume up.⧪It’s past midnight and Luke hasn’t replied.Calum has gone back to feeling numb when he texts Luke again.
Calum (12:18 a.m):

Thanks for being so clear with me

Bye

Luke (12:47 a.m):

Take care, Calum
And just like that, they stop talking.

April 2015
Calum is sitting at the cafeteria having lunch with Michael, who completely out of nowhere asks:“Hey, what happened to Luke?”Calum looks down at his insipid, dry sandwich. “What do you mean?”“I haven’t seen you with him lately. Is he still coming to school?”It takes Calum a moment to hide that he does not want to talk about this at all. “We aren’t friends anymore,” he plays around with a sesame seed lying on his plate. “So I wouldn’t know.”“Oh,” Michael says. “Sorry, I didn’t know.”The truth is, Calum actually knows Luke is probably about to drop out, Ashton told him a couple of weeks ago— without Calum even asking— in a conversation very similar to the one he’s having with Michael right now.
It looks like Michael wants to ask something else, but thankfully he doesn’t and Calum goes back to nibbling on his tasteless lunch.

September 2015

“Cal,” Calum can see from his side view that Michael is doodling on the edge of his notebook while they’re in the Biology Lab. “Can I ask you something?”Calum hums while he continues adjusting the microscope’s lens.“Were you and Luke dating?”He looks up at Michael. “What?”Michael looks back at him. “What?”Calum shakes his head. “No,” he frowns. “No, we weren’t dating. Where did that come from?”Michael presses his lips together and his green eyes go a little wide. “Well, it’s just that you two were always together and you seemed to get along so well,” Michael starts. “And Luke was always looking at you like he was… like, in love with you.”Calum stares silently at Michael.“And then I stopped seeing you two hanging around and you got even more sad,” Michael’s voice is very soft when he says the last part. “And then,” he continues, “I saw Luke holding hands with a girl and I thought that you had broken up.”For a moment, there are no thoughts in Calum’s mind, and then little by little he starts to process what Michael just said.What registers first is the and then you got even more sad. It might be the first time someone addresses the matter like that to Calum.Actually, it might be the first time someone addresses it at all. He thinks of Michael’s tone when he said it, and it tugs at something inside of Calum’s chest.Then all of the other words start tumbling around in his mind like a swarm of bees.It takes all but five seconds for everything to settle in, and it takes all of five seconds for Calum to feel like the absolute idiot he is.What a fucking cliché. Out of all the ones Calum could fall into— the stupidest one. He leans down slowly on the table and puts his face in his hands.“Are you okay?” Michael asks him, Calum still hasn’t said anything after Michael’s speech.He murmurs absentmindedly: “Yeah, yeah.”Michael picks up their assignment but Calum can feel his gaze on him at all times.Suddenly, dozens of memories of Luke flood Calum, but this time he sees them through Michael’s romantic eyes.
“Fuck,” Calum curses under his breath and closes his eyes. “What a stupid idiot.”“You just realised something, right?”Calum can barely muster the will to nod. He actually wants to bang his head against a wall.He remains hidden in his hands for a while more, thinking to himself: How could something so absolutely obvious escape him? Fucking unfeeling idiot.After a couple of minutes, Michael asks again:“So…” He starts. “Were you two dating?” This time, there’s that mischievous tone that is always in Michael’s voice when he wants to piss Calum off.Calum has to laugh.

March 2020
A few days after that first new interaction with Luke, Calum is, predictably, scrolling mindlessly through Instagram, then Facebook, Twitter, then through Instagram all over again, when something makes him think of Luke.Immediately he goes to Facebook and searches for Luke's profile.Reading the most recent post, Calum chuckles.
Luke Hemmings shared a post.

Calum simply reacts to the meme and keeps scrolling.The next post— after a picture of a very cute Shiba sleeping on a patch of sunlight— has Calum cackling loudly.
Luke Hemmings shared a post.
Calum reacts to it and hits Share . A few minutes later, Luke heart-reacts to it as well.⧪Calum is eating a very good bowl of pasta as he checks his phone, he internally congratulates himself, for the first time in about 6 hours.He’d forgotten about his post requesting people to ask him his top 5 of anything, and now there are enough comments to occupy himself while he enjoys his food, including, he’s surprised to see, several of Luke’s.
Luke Hemmings 2 hours ago

Green fruits

Luke Hemmings 2 hours ago

Celebrity crushes

Luke Hemmings 2 hours ago

Cereal
Calum chuckles at the choices and starts typing. Once he’s done, a few minutes go by and then Luke’s replies start to come.Under Calum’s favourite green fruits:
Luke Hemmings 2 minutes ago

damn ur good
On his cereal choices:
Luke Hemmings 2 minutes ago

I respect this

On Calum’s celebrity crushes, however— of which he made two lists, one for men and one for women— Luke wrote:
Luke Hemmings 3 minutes ago

To each their own ig

Calum feels indignation bubbling up.
Calum Hood now

wtf do you mean to each their own??

Luke Hemmings 1 minute ago

Well I didn’t like your top of men ;(

Calum Hood 2 minutes ago
I wanna see yours 🧐
Luke Hemmings now

okk, I’ll send it to ur inbox, it’s 2 powerful
Two minutes later, the message comes into Calum’s inbox.
Luke (8:47 p.m):

Ok, so:

Harry Styles, Jake Gyllenhal, Theo James, Timothée Salami and Brad Pitt *specifically in Interview With The Vampire*, in that order

Calum (8:48 p.m):
Salami 💀
Okay I can get behind all of those, I think

But Jake? Really??

Luke (8:49 p.m):
Hey
I never made claims of immaculate taste
Calum (8:49 p.m):

You kinda did tho

Luke (8:49 p.m):

Yeahh, I guess I did :/

My b

Calum (8:50 p.m):

So how have you been doing?

Luke (8:50 p.m):
Ah you know, all chill. Living through a global pandemic and all that
hby?
Calum (8:51 p.m):

Same same

Best time of my life

Luke (8:52 p.m):

Obvs

Calum (8:53 p.m):

Hey you didn’t send me your women crushes

Luke (8:54 p.m):

True! One sec🧐

Luke (8:56 p.m):

Ok here we go
⧪Calum is sitting on the couch, one foot anxiously tapping on the floor as he waits for Luke's message to come in.Finally, his phone vibrates— he deactivated the Do Not Disturb function just for this.
Luke (6:42 p.m):

I'm here
Calum replies instantly.
Calum (6:42 p.m):

omw
He takes one last look in the mirror, grabs his keys, tries to swallow back down his heart now beating in his throat, and heads out.He finds Luke leaning against the door of his car, one ankle crossed over the other while looking at his phone. The car’s stereo thumps with the bass of the song just starting to play and Calum recognizes it immediately, Pretty Please. Calum has one last second to take Luke in without the intensity of his blue eyes on him, and to try to compose himself when a wave of want crashes into him and makes his gut tighten almost painfully.Long legs covered with light blue jeans, but much looser than the ones they used to wear in high school and full of holes; black boots and a white crop tank top so wide at the arm holes that they barely cover Luke’s torso at all. Muscles from his underarms and at the sides of his ribs bulk out from the willowy fabric. Calum also notices Luke's biceps are way bigger than the last time he saw him.What's most, Luke’s arms are now covered in small and medium sized tattoos. From this distance they all look like hand drawings.Calum swallows down his want one last time before Luke looks up.
It's almost twilight, so there are no sunglasses to act as a damper over Luke's gaze.
Put my mind at ease
Calum loves the song, its seductiveness, and suspects that Luke, as usual, didn't leave the music at random.
Pretty please
Luke smiles crookedly at him, but his eyes seem to shift through a handful of different emotions. Calum wonders if his eyes look the same.
I need your hands on me
“Hi,” Luke greets him.Is it Calum's idea or Luke feels taller? They were always almost the same height, but now, even taking the boots into account, he stands at least a couple of inches taller than him.“Hey,” Calum says softly.They're hugging now, Luke's body feels different against his, but at the same time it feels as it always has; so warm it's almost hot, welcoming. Like home.After a few moments, Luke makes to pull back, but Calum holds him tight in place for a while more, until the tears threatening to spill from his eyes retreat. There's a knot in his throat.Although it's been a while since he's had the view of Luke's blue eyes so close in front of him, the sight is so familiar and ingrained in Calum's memory that it's like no time at all has passed.“Nice shirt,” Luke says, smiling at him.Calum is wearing a flowy button-up with a psychedelic pattern that looks like leaves of all shades of green reflecting on swirling water. It's a bit hippie, but Calum likes it.“Thanks. It's thrifted,” he replies.Calum thinks of the shirt, of his own outfit in general and Luke's. Their long commitment to black— grief, isolation, cynicism— now seemingly forgotten.Luke smiles at him again and Calum smiles back.“So what do you want to do?”⧪They end up talking outside of Luke's car, a beer in hand from the six pack Luke brought, for hours.It might be all the texting before meeting back again, but the awkwardness that Calum half expected never came to be. The ease with which they always talked is as present as ever.In many ways, Calum feels like a teenager still, thanks to the thrilling emotions Luke provokes in him. And also because, he thinks sadly, Calum has not had a conversation like the one he's having with Luke in a long time. There have been meaningful conversations, but none that felt like Calum and the other person were talking the same language, with such understanding that it is almost like they're reading each other's minds.Calum and Luke are leaning side to side against the latter’s car. Calum is looking down at Luke's feet, boots practically untied, when he asks:“What do you think is really out there, though?” After a second Calum adds: “Do you think there's anything at all?”They somehow went from talking about imaginary sea creatures to what might have created the universe.“I think so,” Luke says. “But if there is something, I think it's more like…” He ponders looking up at the sky. “More like a system, you know? Like a clock or something.”“That's interesting,” Calum mutters. “A bit mechanical.”“No, I mean…” Luke trails off. “Kind of, but only in the sense that everything is connected and one little thing can make everything else move or stop moving.” Calum just nods.“What do you think?” Luke asks.“I think everything’s connected too but it feels more like energy to me.” Luke hums. “Whatever it is, though,” Calum adds, gazing at the bright almost-full moon, perfectly visible against the cloudless sky, “there's something connecting all of us.”Luke then looks at him directly and says: “Some things for sure feel like they are meant to exist together.”⧪Later, Luke is sitting on top of the back hood of
his car and somehow Calum finds himself standing between Luke's legs with his back to him. He's playing with the edges of Luke's torn up jeans, thinking about how he's been standing there for a while but has no intentions of moving.Luke is gently scratching his scalp, and while the caress is friendly and just intended to be soothing, shivers travel up and down Calum's spine when Luke's nails all but grace his skin.His eyes involuntarily close down, he can't help but sink further into Luke.The quiet has settled down on them, not one neighbour making noise, not one dog parking. There is only their even breaths and the occasional breeze shaking the foliage.After a while, Calum stops playing with the fringed denim and moves to draw idle figures on the skin of Luke's knee, feeling the contrast between the soft skin and the harsher texture of Luke's body hair.When Luke starts massaging the base of Calum's neck, he can't help but moan half in pain, half in pleasure.“Holy shit.”“Dude, you are,” Luke chuckles, “so tense. What the hell.”Calum yelps when Luke hits a tender spot between his neck and shoulder. “I always get tense there when I'm stressed.”“No shit,” Luke responds. “You should try to relax.”Calum hopes Luke can hear his eyes rolling in his words. “Excellent advice, I’m cured from all stress. Thank you, Luke.”He can feel the vibration of Luke's laughter against his back before receiving a light slap on the shoulder.“Smartass,” Luke tells him and Calum smiles. “I mean it,” his tone turns a bit serious. “Let me know if I can help you in any way.”Calum's heart takes a leap. “Thanks,” he replies, then says more softly: “This is enough.”He doesn't mean the massage or the caresses, he means this, time with Luke.Luke says nothing and continues loosening Calum's muscles, until bit by bit, he leans all the way back into Luke.Now, Luke's hands rest on his chest as his fingers play with the buttons of Calum's shirt. Against his back Calum can feel Luke's chest rising up and down evenly, so close he can smell Luke's perfume— which has the same intoxicating property as it always has, even when it's not the same one Luke wore years ago. Perhaps it’s Luke's own essence that intoxicates him.Although the night is too warm, Calum enjoys the heat that surrounds him, all of it from Luke.When Luke rests his head on Calum's and he can feel Luke's breathing in his ear, feel it graze his neck, their little bubble suddenly turns charged. The points where their bodies meet, never even near dull, now feel heavy and intense. Calum's pulse starts racing.“Hey,” Luke murmurs, gently pushing at Calum's shoulders to make him turn. He does, feeling like a magnet as Luke leans in slowly but without hesitation.Welcoming Luke's lips on his own as his hair brushes against Calum's face feels the most natural thing to do. For once in his life, there are no doubts in his mind, no warning signs ringing to tell Calum they shouldn't be doing this.Finally, it feels like they are doing what they always wanted and were always supposed to do.⧪
Calum (12:07 a.m):

Did you get home safe?

Luke (12:08 a.m):

Yes
Sorry, forgot to text you 😬
Got here a few minutes ago

Calum (12:08 a.m):
No worries 🐥
Luke (12:09 a.m):
🐧They both text at the exact same time:
Calum (12:10 a.m):
I'm going to sleep now 😴😴
Luke (12:10 a.m):

Are you going to sleep?

Calum (12:10 a.m):

Oh my god, stop spying me, you freak

Luke (12:10 a.m):

You wish!!
Goodnight, Cal 🐧 sleep well
Calum (12:11 a.m):

Thank you, u 2

And thank you for tonight
💚
Luke (12:12 a.m):

I had missed you

A lot

Calum (12:12 a.m):

I missed you too

Goodnight

Luke (12:13 a.m):
💙⧪
April 2020

Calum (8:49 p.m):

if you don't change my name to Calum instead of Callum in your phone i'm gonna start calling you Lucas, your choice

Luke (8:48 p.m):

ok, fineee, i'll change it

why u so angyyyy
⧪
Luke (11:15 a.m):

Did you!!

Did you listen to Gimme Love??

Do it!!!

Calum (11:32 a.m):

I'm on it👀

Calum (11:37 a.m):

Holy shit!!

Luke (11:38 a.m.):

I know!!!!!!!!!!!!!
⧪
Luke (6:45 p.m):

Please you're the only one who’ll understand this

Calum (6:47 p.m):
beep boop 😭😭 Ok but you literally are The King of Limbs
Luke (6:47 p.m):

I cannot deny my nature

and we do live in a society yk
⧪ “Maybe I'd like you better if you took off your clothes!” Calum and Luke sing at the top of their lungs while they drive with the windows rolled all the way down.Their shirts billow with the furious wind that tries to drown out their out-of-tune screaming, but with no success.
“I'm not playing with you, baby, maybe you should give it a go!”
Calum turns to look at Luke and sees his curls jumping and tumbling without direction, his broad smile and then his blue eyes, so brilliant with euphoria they seem to have a light of their own.For that brief moment, Calum feels suspended in time and there's nothing else besides this; Luke's face illuminated by yellow-orange streetlights, the feeling of leather car seats under his thighs and the coolness of the beer in his hand.⧪
Luke (1:03 p.m):

wyd

Calum (1:05 p.m):

Attempting to make that dalgona coffee thing

((emphasis on attempt))

Luke (1:06 p.m):

Is it really that hard?

Calum (1:06 p.m):

tbh no but it's way too much effort for a cup of coffee (milk)

I've been whisking for 15 min

Luke (1:07 p.m):

Aren't you in class??

Calum (1:08 p.m):

You come to my house to judge me

Luke (1:08 p.m):

Just asking!!

I support ur choices, future of the country<3

Calum (1:09 p.m):

Do you want some godforsaken coffe or

Luke (1:10 p.m):

coffe
Yes pls 😊⧪
Calum (2:43 a.m):

I see u awake

Why r u awake

Luke (2:44 a.m):

Why right back at u

Or are u texting via ur dreams?

I can’t sleep

Calum (2:44 a.m):

I always text via my dreams

I can’t sleep either, it’s too hot

Luke (2:45 a.m):

ik, my poor AC is fighting for its life

Calum (2:46 a.m):

Why can’t u sleep

Luke (2:46 a.m):

Got my meds adjusted

I’m feeling a bit weird still

Calum (2:47 a.m):

Sorry about that :/ hope it passes soon

Luke (2:48 a.m):

ty<3

Calum (2:48 a.m):

Wanna do a watchparty ?

Luke (2:49 a.m):

I’m in

Calum (2:49 a.m):

Yei ((:

Shitty movie or scary movie?

Luke (2:50 a.m):

Shitty scary movie

Calum (2:51 a.m):

I love ur brain
⧪They’re parked by an area surrounded by pine trees at the back of Luke’s department complex. The nearest streetlight is far enough that they’re almost in complete darkness as they talk with low music in the background.“Where would you live if you could choose? What kind of place, I mean,” Luke asks him.Calum knows the answer, he daydreams about that all the time. “Somewhere with a big forest, with cool weather and lots of rain.” He pauses for a second. “Isolated but near a small city so I can have entertainment, you know.”“You are so influenced by Twilight ,” Luke chuckles.“Leave me alone,” Calum laughs and lightly punches him in the arm. “It’s not a phase, it’s who I really am.”“I know,” Luke smiles at him.“I don’t know if I could live in the forest for too long, though,” Calum adds, looking at the lines of trees in front of them.Without illumination, this man-made mini forest looks exactly like any forest at the north of the world would do at night; haunting, with enough silences and inexplicable noises to send Calum into a panic.“Why?”“Sometimes I get periods when I’m… anxious,” Calum says. “Or maybe paranoid would be the correct word.”Luke hums. “I can see why living in a place like that might put you on edge after a while.”“There’s a reason why so many ghost and horror stories take place in forests, you know.”“Definitely,” Luke says.“Where would you live?” Calum asks.“I want to move to the capital, actually,” Luke starts blindly searching for something in the cupholders. “Or any big city like that with lots of people.”Finally he comes up with a box cigarettes in his hand barely visible in the dark. He offers it to Calum and then takes one himself.“Yeah, I see that,” Calum says. “Do you have plans already or?”Luke’s face reflects the orange flame as he lights up Calum’s cigarette, the only source of light until both their cigarettes are on and the two little red-orange spots flicker and consume slowly.
“I don’t know when I’m going yet,” Luke replies. “I’d hope that soon but things as they are right now…” he shrugs. Calum hums in agreement.Somewhere in the back of his mind, Calum thinks this conversation is a bad omen, but he ignores it and continues smoking from his cigarette.⧪Still surrounded by darkness and with the car seats pushed down, Calum and Luke lie on their sides, facing each other. Their conversation died out slowly and now the music playing low on the car stereo is the only sound inside the car.Calum reaches to take Luke’s right hand and starts sliding his fingertips over Luke’s fingers, then his palm and wrist.
Something compels him to bring Luke’s hand to his lips and kiss it. He hears Luke sigh and then his other hand mimics the tender caresses on Calum’s arm.When Luke trails from Calum’s elbow to his shoulder and down his clavicle, Calum’s heartrate spikes up. Just like last time, a second is all it takes for the energy inside the car to feel like a bubble of static.Calum leans close when he sees Luke starting to sit up and soon they are kissing.He loves the feel of Luke’s hands behind his neck and of Luke’s curls between his fingers, and that strange mix of sweet and tobacco in Luke’s mouth.Luke takes Calum’s hips and gently guides him to sit on his lap. It's a tight fit inside the small car, but Calum has daydreamed a lot of sitting on Luke's lap so he makes it work.

May 2020
Late-night drives have always been one of Calum’s favourite pastimes, even if they sometimes, like tonight, put him in a weird mood.Or is it that he's already in a weird mood?These days it’s hard to tell.The wind coming in from the rolled-down windows of Luke’s car as they drive through the outskirts of the city is borderline warm and sweet with summer. The white noise composed by the wind and Luke’s music under it helps Calum drown out the much less wanted noise in his head.It’s not too late into the night, but still, the highway is deserted. Calum thinks of a world in which, in its last hours of existence, Luke and he are the only two people left, and they’ve chosen to spend it together in comfortable silence, surrounded by hills of darkness and sporadic road lights.He hates to admit it, but lately all that's happening in the world— not so much in his life, there's not much going on in his life besides Luke— is weighing down on him.News on the TV about death, corruption, inequality and hopelessness; on his phone and his computer and his classes. Calum feels spiritually cyber-sick.He hasn't said a word about it to anyone— no one besides his Twitter account that maybe two or three people see, not even to Luke. Although, earlier when he picked Calum up, Luke quickly noticed Calum's quiet demeanour and simply said:“Let's go.”Calum got in his car without question.⧪
Either need you closer or I need it over

Now with my eyes wide open, I tore your heart apart
Calum has never been the type that just waits for the other shoe to drop— quite the contrary, he's usually the one who drops it. He's even been cocky about it, perhaps if not directly with people, at least internally. Because it's always better to get over the ugly part soon, right? And if he's the one with the courage to do so, well, that's fine by him.So it's no wonder that now all of this avoidance feels like cowardice, but he doesn't want to lose Luke again. Even when Calum is trying not to jinx it by thinking of it, realistically, that is what will happen when the other shoe drops.It doesn’t matter how much Calum feels for Luke or how much he tries to lie to himself, in his gut, in his heart, he knows they can’t be together for long. Luke has always been sensitive and Calum can’t help but think that he, with his cold-headedness, is going to break him eventually— even if by accident. After all, he’s done it before.It's around 8 P.M. and they are sitting at Calum's table drinking spicy vodka with mineral soda while Calum finishes his homework.Luke has been strangely quiet, but Calum wants to think it’s just him trying to not distract him from his assignment, trying to ignore the weird feeling tugging at his gut.Eventually, Calum announces: “I'm done!”Luke has a cigarette in his mouth but he lifts both hands palms skyward as if to say: Hallelujah! “Wanna sit outside? I'm fucking sweating,” Calum asks Luke, who nods behind a cloud of smoke. “Also, quite honestly,” Calum adds on second thought, “The last thing I want right now is to spend more time inside.”“Cheers to that,” Luke says, lifting his glass towards Calum and drinking from it.Calum takes his own glass and his portable speaker, setting it near the now open door, where a slightly sticky breeze is blowing and doing almost nothing to cool them down.Luke sits to his left and leans back on his arms.“Oh!” He seems to remember suddenly. “Did you listen to the new songs I added to the playlist?”“Ah, no,” Calum responds, picking up his phone to add them to the queue. “I saw them earlier but I was in class.” Once the songs are ready, he asks. “By the way, are you ready to be psychoanalysed by the planets?” He shows his phone to Luke, a site with an astrological birth chart open.“Right!” Luke exclaims. “I forgot about that. Shoot,” he says, rubbing his palms together.Calum starts introducing Luke's birthdate. “At what hour were you born?”“Six minutes past noon,” Luke replies.Calum hits enter and immediately goes to see Luke’s rising— which he has been dying to know for so long.“Of course you are a libra rising, oh my god,” Calum mumbles, trying to hide his smile.“Hey!” Luke lets out an indignant laugh. “What does that even mean?”He leans closer to Calum to see the screen and in the process accidentally knocks over his glass. It breaks as soon as it touches the concrete ground.Both of them get up fast, trying to avoid the liquid.“Oh, fuck,” Luke says, “Sorry, Cal.”“Don’t worry, it’s okay,” he replies. “Hang on, I’ll get the broom.”Calum goes inside and comes back with a broom and dustpan, he’s about to clean up when Luke takes them from his hands.“Let me,” he tells Calum.As Luke cleans up the sharp pieces of glass, a weird feeling passes over Calum, but he can’t quite catch it.⧪After reading both Luke and Calum’s natal charts, laughing at how awkwardly accurate some of the descriptions were, they are sitting, as it’s usual, with only music as their company. Calum is sitting between Luke’s legs, his head against Luke’s shoulder.
He can tell Luke is looking up at the stars by the angle of his head when Luke asks, tone calm and composed: “What do you want from me, Calum?”Calum’s heart leaps.So it's happening now.He has been lining the edges of the tattoos in Luke’s hand for a while, and he continues to do so without even giving a sign that he heard Luke.After a few moments, he senses Luke's heavy gaze on him. Calum refuses to look back and feels like a coward for it.An errant thought crosses his mind: He should have known this was coming when that glass broke earlier.Luke gives him time and after a couple of minutes Calum manages to say:“I want you in my life.”“Okay,” Luke murmurs. “In what way?”Calum swallows and says nothing. Then:“In this way.”Luke sighs. “But what is this, Calum?”Calum feels like recoiling at the sound of his name, but instead he just keeps toying with Luke's hand.“Do you want me as anything else besides your friend?” The phrase could be taken as some kind of manipulation, but Luke's tone is so soft that it can't be anything but a genuine question.“You know I do,” Calum replies quietly and holds Luke's hand with both of his. Still, his heart is racing and he can't dare to look back at Luke.“Well, so do I,” Luke says. “Can we talk about that?”Calum nods, even when internally he wishes they weren’t having this conversation. But he can’t blame Luke, they have been spending time together, talking all day most days, kissing and making out. And this time, Calum is absolutely conscious of what’s happening between them.“I just want to know if there is any future to this,” Luke admits, voice a little shaky.It takes a moment, but Calum manages to answer. “I think so, but…” He sighs. “Listen, I know we’ve been here before, and I don’t want to make the same mistake again.” Calum looks up at the night sky and closes his eyes. “I like you more than just as friends, but I don’t know if I can have a relationship right now.”Luke remains quiet, so Calum continues.“It's just…” Calum takes a deep inhale, trying to sort out the right words. “I’m not at the best place emotionally or mentally, right now. And if we’re going to do this I need baby steps, okay?”“Okay…” Luke murmurs. “What are baby steps for you?”Calum moves away from Luke’s embrace and turns so his back is against the wall now.
Luke’s face is serious, but reflects such patience that Calum hates himself for it. He knows the shoe has been dropped, the glass has been tipped, it’s only a matter of moments before they touch the ground.“Well, I guess whatever people do in relationships but… slowed down,” the statement sounds like a question. What kind of bullshit is that, Calum thinks to himself.Luke starts rubbing his hands anxiously. “I don’t know what people do in relationships or when, Cal. Or what you think they do, for that matter.”This is going so, so badly Calum wants to fold into himself and disappear. He opens his mouth without even knowing what he’s going to say, when Luke asks:“Do you really want to have a relationship with me, Calum?”
Does he?Dozens of memories of Luke and him flash through his mind, fresh from weeks ago and
years old, almost all of them have the gray haze of sadness, anxiety and miscommunication.He thinks of when Luke called him a couple of weeks ago, crying and sick of being sick , he’d said, on a day when his medicines weren’t doing their job. All Calum could do was try to talk him down, but at the end of it he’s not even sure he actually helped Luke, and the conversation left Calum feeling incredibly overwhelmed.“I do,” Calum replies.Is he lying to Luke? To himself? Maybe he’s not, he isn’t fooling anyone.Luke passes a hand through his hair and in the movement, even in the poorly illuminated entrance of his house, Calum catches the gleam of tears in Lukes eyes.“Cal, I don’t know if I can be with you just like this,” Luke confesses. ”I mean, if you need baby steps, whatever baby steps means, I think can do that. But if there is no chance of us ever being something else, I don’t know if I can handle it.” He takes a sip of his drink.Calum has a not in his throat that he can’t seem to swallow.“Actually, no,” Luke continues. “I can’t be just your friend.”Feeling like the coward he is, without daring to look at Luke, Calum whispers: “I just don't know if I can be the steady support you need.”From his side view, Calum can see Luke nodding, but he says nothing. Calum tries to hold back his own tears when the sniffling sounds betray Luke’s crying.They sit in silence for minutes that feel like an eternity. The only thing Calum does is stare at his hands while his chest fills up with guilt.“Can I use your bathroom?” Luke asks, Calum nods.Once Luke goes inside, Calum lets out a few tears, only enough to keep him from breaking down entirely while Luke is still here.Luke takes a while in the bathroom and Calum is starting to worry, but he comes out eventually and sits down again.Minutes pass and this time, Calum can’t stand the silence between them. He can’t stand the grief, he can’t stand to see Luke’s face reflecting the hurt so clearly.“I think you should go home, Luke,” Calum says softly.Luke nods and gets up picking up his pack of cigarettes and phone.Calum grabs his keys, closes the door of his house and they walk to Luke’s car in silence.He can feel Luke’s pain like it’s coming out of him in waves. He looks so small, hunched over, eyes cast down.Arms around himself, Calum stands in front of Luke’s car and watches him as he opens the door. Luke is about to get in when he turns back at Calum and opens up his arms. One last offering that Calum can’t deny.He finds himself hugging Luke a little too tightly, while his ribs are being crushed by Luke in return. He can feel Luke shaking slightly like he’s trying not to let Calum know he’s crying again. It doesn’t matter anyway, Calum is crying silently too.“I’m sorry,” Calum whispers into Luke’s neck.They hold on until they have to let go. When they step away, there are two wet streaks running down Luke’s blue eyes, so sad that Calum’s heart actually aches with the sight.As he walks to his car, Calum tries to find a way to rectify this, to make it all work, because the sight of Luke walking away threatens to break him in two, but he knows there is no solution. This is for the best.The last thing Calum manages to say is: “Drive safe.” And Luke drives away.

July 2020
Was it only two months ago that he was planning how to celebrate Luke's birthday? It feels like a lifetime ago.Calum is tempted to send Luke a text wishing him a happy birthday, but he holds back.He remembers then, he’d begun to make Luke a birthday playlist; one that only had songs he was one hundred percent sure Luke had never heard but would love. It was no easy task, but Calum had managed to gather about twenty songs so far. He had planned for it to be Luke’s age number.Calum opens Spotify and after a moment of hesitation, deletes the playlist.

Part II: Let me know (do I suffocate or let go?)

January 1st, 2021

Luke (12:05 a.m):

Happy New Year
Calum stares at his phone for a few moments and thinks that maybe he’s too drunk and imagining things, but no, he has a text from Luke.He types back:
Calum (12:09 a.m):

Happy New Year, Luke

February 2021
It turned out, Luke texted Calum while he was drunk off his ass, he’d confessed later, but he had been thinking about doing so for a while beforehand.Calum didn’t mind, if anything, he was secretly glad Luke still thought of him at all. So they kept talking as if nothing bad had ever happened between them and no time had passed.
Three weeks in, Calum thought that everything was back to normal. No flirting at all, only their usual never-ending talks. Until Luke told him he was finally moving away, and the away wasn’t an exaggeration. Luke was moving to another continent.Of course, Calum was happy for Luke, it was his dream coming true. Besides, even though they were talking again, they had not seen each other— no one had suggested it— so things would continue the same way, right? Distance didn’t matter as long as he had Luke in his life, even if Luke was moving away indefinitely.⧪Luke left on February 1st. and Calum couldn’t take him to the airport as he would have wanted,
he had to present an exam at university. Luke kept him updated on his journey almost at all times, though.By the time Calum was out of his exam, Luke had boarded the plane and the long hours of flight kept him from all communications.Actually, it took Luke three days to reach out again, but Calum understood. For one, settling into a new country had to be hard and he also knew Luke was probably suffering from jet lag, but he was sure eventually things would go back to normal.Famous last words.

March 2021
It looks like the world turned into sharp silhouettes as a mix of still naked tree branches waiting for spring and evergreen palm trees make a stark contrast against the blue of the twilight. The blue is battling against the pinks and lilacs still remaining from the sunset.Something about the view and the energy in the air makes Calum feel like déjà-vu. He’s suddenly transported to the hours and hours spent with Luke on what sometimes felt like the end of the world. In Calum’s memory palace, quarantine is but a life suspended in time.

April 2021
It’s late in the evening, the desaturated pale yellow and purple of the sky are fading away with each second, turning into the darkest blue. Calum sits on the couch and looks out the window, the house in complete silence and stillness, not even a breeze to move the curtains.This is Luke’s favourite time of the day— or rather, was, before he left for a country that’s completely foreign to Calum, a land sitting on a dream.Now, Luke had told him, his favourite time of day was sunrise. More specifically, the golden and vibrant sunrises his new city has to offer.The news wouldn’t have had much effect or relevance to anyone else, but to Calum, who had come to love the subdued energy of the sky after twilight, in winter and spring— a sky he’d never noticed before until Luke pointed it out to him— fell over him like a bucket of cold water.It’s not that Calum has become overprotective of the quiet and simple beauty of the sky, of course. It simply means Luke is changing, stirring away from whom Calum has known for years, and the thought does nothing to help with the distance already between them, both physical and emotional.Calum knows it’s unfair to blame someone for changing and growing, God only knows he’s done plenty of that himself, but the wound— he is reluctant to even call it that— of Luke moving away is still raw, and the old ones— years old by now— have not yet healed.So Luke's texts remain unread, unopened, on his phone lying face down on the coffee table.⧪Luke's cup of coffee steams into the morning air, the sun is barely coming up, but he's been awake for about an hour now. He hasn't gotten used to this time zone, even though he's been here almost two months, as if his mind and body are still living on the other side of the world.He's leaning against the window’s sill, quietly watching as the few vermillion clouds disperse, the colour a stark contrast against the still pale sky and a premonition to the dawn that's about to come, warm and bright pink and yellow.Although he's not too adamant about people replying fast to his texts, unless they're really important, his phone laying face up on the couch— that's as much as he can muster to be away from it, in case Calum replies— is a source of anxiety.
He knows it's late in the day for Calum and that he's probably busy cooking dinner or cleaning the house, but deep down he knows otherwise. The only problem with understanding someone as well as he does Calum, is that you cannot blind yourself to harsh truths.Calum's silences are heavy and they weigh down on Luke's chest like iron lungs.He wishes he could go to Calum's house and take him for a drive, with music, long enough to let him open up to Luke, just as they've always done. Talking face to face has been the foundation of their relationship since the very first day, but with entire countries in between them, he can't do much, not when Calum pushes him away.And although he's the one who left, the long distance between them also weighs down on Luke.He ponders whether or not to send one more meaningless text, but immediately hates the idea. It's pride, yes— partially, but the thought of one more unanswered text tastes bitter in his mouth.The sunrise now in full bloom, although absolutely stunning, is so unfamiliar, so different from the thousands of dawns he's seen at home, it makes him feel homesick.
He hates that he's feeling ungrateful— regretful, of leaving home. Didn't he dream of leaving that small city for years? And now he's in a big city of his choosing, meeting new people wherever he goes, watching the lives of strangers on early morning weekends— going to work, out for family breakfasts and trips, when he's just ending the party from the night before— and longing to be somewhere else.He picks up his phone and calls Calum while his heart pounds, mentally begging: Please, pick up. Please, pick up. The dial tone starts ringing, and even though it sounds like any dial tone, something about it makes him think Calum is not picking up.A few more rings pass and then he's forwarded to voicemail.Luke scrolls bitterly between one app and another, until he's checking, for the twelfth time today, his chat with Calum.The last text he sent has not even been read, but he can't help himself before he sends another one.
Luke (5:24 a.m):

How was your day?
Even though he knows Calum's day was just like his own, just like yesterday and the day before that and the day before that— the same way everyone’s days have been lately; spent inside, worrying about everything and trying desperately to get distracted with anything, anything.He asks because maybe this time Calum will reply.He doesn't.⧪In their last unspoken attempt to fix things, they try to stay up late or wake up earlier so they can catch up and have longer calls, but isolation isn't helping their sleep schedules.Calum wakes up earlier than usual and soon has to start taking naps very late into the afternoon, which causes Luke to stay up later than normal— which was already late. Getting only three or four hours of sleep isn't ideal, especially when he's on meds, so he naps early during the day.Of course, life doesn't stop for anyone and they still have jobs and classes to attend to. So their interactions are always tinted with drowsiness, they become shorter and dryer.The decay of their friendship happens slowly but steadily, and after a series of accumulating faults and hurt, it dies out. By the end of the month, Luke and Calum have stopped talking altogether.

August 2021
It's August and Calum doesn't think of Luke often anymore, something he believed would never happen, but it's funny how people you swore to never forget, memories and favourite songs fade away. Sometimes it isn’t on purpose, sometimes life just gets too busy.Although, sometimes certain songs will play and remind him of Luke, or he'll see a meme and think of who to send it to, until he realises the only person who would find it funny is Luke.He never texts of course.But during spring and summer, Luke is everywhere. Ashton or Michael will mention him casually in conversation, or the smell of the air, someone’s cologne passing on the street will bring to the forefront of his mind the vivid memory of him.
He's abstained from checking Luke's social media, even when he really misses him, because what good would that do?A couple of days after they parted ways, Calum muted everything from Luke.Judging by not even an accidental like or view of Calum's stories, he suspects Luke did as well.Blocking had seemed excessive because, in the end, neither of them had really wanted the other out of their life. It was just that distance was necessary, even if it was painful.Whether or not Luke ever thinks of him, he can't know, but in a slightly petty way, Calum hopes he does. Mostly though, he just doesn't want to be turned into the ghost of a memory in Luke's life. Because, Calum hates to admit it, he has hope, so heavy it drags his heart through the ground wherever he goes. Hope of finding each other again, of getting it right one last, final time.But in the meanwhile, life gets busy, Calum falls in and out of love and his social media remains silent, as if Luke had never happened.

June 2022
While it’s true that Calum had done drugs, cigarettes and alcohol for a very long time, he always liked to think he had it all under control. He never got codependent of any substance; one day in 2017 he decided to stop smoking and he did so for years, without struggle. His drug consumption ended with his teenage years and, besides beer, he really didn’t have a deep love for alcohol.So it partially came as a surprise when he realised that he had to stop drinking. But when he stopped to think about it, he had gotten into the habit of day drinking since quarantine. And when, a couple of weeks ago he, with the purpose of having a nice Friday night by himself, had somehow drunk himself unconscious with vodka— well. It was a harsh wake-up call.And true to his nature, he quit alcohol and has not slipped even once, but he’d be lying if he said he, only from time to time, doesn’t have the impulse to drink himself senseless again.

Part III: The Sound of Reverie

October 2022
“Maybe I should just marry rich,” Michael says as he dramatically throws his paper napkin, oily with french fries, open over his face. “I'm gonna die alone.”Calum rolls his eyes. “It was just a mediocre date, Mike. I'm sure you'll find love eventually.”“With whom, Calum? Whom?” Michael now waves the napkin violently in Calum's face. Calum slaps his hand away.“I don't know, there's plenty of people out there.“About 8 billion,” Ashton intercedes before taking a sip of his beer.“Exactly, thank you,” Calum says. “About 8 billion, there's gotta be at least a handful of them that you could love and could love you.”He doesn't mention one of them is Ashton, sitting right there with them.“I don't know,” Michael draws idly on his plate with a french fry and ketchup. “Maybe I should give up,” he mutters.Calum is glad Michael is looking down and can't see Ashton’s sad puppy eyes.“Hey, don't lose hope,” Ashton says. “Look at Calum, he hasn't dated anyone in months and he's still a hopeful romantic.”Calum turns to him and deadpans: “Not taken.”Ashton gives him an apologetic smile. “Sorry, dude. You know it's true.”Calum shrugs. It is true.“Yeah, but he's gonna end up married to Luke at some point,” Michael says. “He doesn't have to worry.”Calum snaps his head towards him. “Shut up.”“You shut up,” Michael fires back then shoves a few fries into his mouth. “Honestly I don't even understand why you two aren't together right now.”“Because it didn't work out, dude! Twice!”
“And?” The word is barely understandable thanks to the fries Michael shoved into his mouth.“Well, I'm trying to change behavioural patterns for good, I don't know about you.” Calum takes a sip of beer.Michael isn’t letting it go. “And what's that worth if the result is that you two end up happily ever after anyway?”Calum sighs and rubs his forehead. “Do we have to go through this again?”“You brought this on yourself with your hopeful romantic discourse, Cal.” Michael gives him a gotta practice what you preach insufferable smile and then turns to Ashton, who is quietly watching them discuss. “What do you think?”
Ashton scratches his chin thoughtfully. “Well, if there’s anyone who I think is for you, that could only be Luke, to be honest.”“Not you too, for God’s sake,” Calum mutters, looking away.That's the thing that actually makes Calum's heart sink a little. One thing are Michael’s silly comments and ideals of Calum’s romantic life, those Calum can take no problem— Michael is insane. But Ashton saying things like that, with earnestness, is very different.“So you agree they’re gonna get married,” Michael states.“I mean, not exactly but…” Ashton looks at Calum like saying sorry. “In the bigger scheme of things,” he shrugs. “I don't think it's crazy to say you could give it another shot and come out the right way.”“Ha!” Michael yells triunfantly.“Oh my god, shut up,” Calum tells him, but can’t help but laugh. Michael always takes imaginary scenarios way too seriously.Calum takes a potato wedge to his mouth and chews thoughtfully for a moment. Either he succumbs to the despair that is thinking of what could have been of Luke and him or he joins the madness.Calum sighs and decides to indulge Michael and Ashton.“Okay, in the hypothetical case,” he emphasises, “of us reconnecting by some miracle, what would I even say to him, uhm?”
He extends his hands, holding an imaginary wedding ring in them. “ Hey, Luke, sorry I broke your heart, twice by the way, would you like to marry me?”“That'd work with me, to be honest,” Michael admits.“Yeah, of course it would, ‘cause you’re fucking reckless,” Ashton tells him.“Oh, so now you’re on my side?” Calum complains.“No, no, no,” Ashton adds quickly, holding his hands up. “I’m not on anyone’s side. I’m on love’s side.”“Fuck off,” Calum and Michael speak at the same time.“Listen,” Ashton looks at Michael and squeezes his hand. “I love you, but you are a nutcase.” Ashton’s tone is lighthearted, but Calum wonders if Michael can too see the real meaning behind the words: I love you because you are a nutcase, or if Calum is imagining it.Ashton frees Michael’s hand after a few more moments and then turns to Calum. “Yes, you guys tried it out twice and it didn’t work out, but you’ve changed a lot since that happened and you know it.” He raises an eyebrow at Calum when he’s about to interrupt. “And I’m sure Luke has as well.”“Doesn’t mean we’re completely different people, though,” Calum counters, circling a finger around the mouth of his beer bottle. “And I wouldn’t know if he has. I haven’t heard anything from him for a while.”Michael is now silent, recognizing Calum and Ashton are having one of those not serious-serious discussions in which they have to trail carefully around the truths they say.“But it's not about that, mate,” Ashton says. “I’ve never seen you connect with anyone the way you did with Luke.” Calum swallows and says nothing. Those are his own words thrown back at him.“Weren't you two really good at speaking and all that?” Michael joins in softly, his tone void of all the joking from before.Calum sighs and crosses his arms. “We were but not when it came to speaking of feelings concerning the both of us together,” he admits. “We always got tripped up with that.”“You know that now, though,” Ashton says. “It’s the first step.” Michael nods in agreement.“Yeah, but aren’t two times enough to prove a point?” Calum questions. On second thought, he adds. “Also, it doesn’t matter, anyway, we’re not speaking, so.”“I guess it depends on what point you want to prove.” Ashton gives him a contained smile. “What happened to third time's a charm?”⧪Later, Michael has left already and Ashton keeps Calum company while his ride arrives. They're standing on the sidewalk in comfortable silence, just watching the trees being shaken up by the wind, a bit sticky with humidity— an October rain that never came to be.There's a gentle bump against Calum's arm, Ashton is offering an open pack of cigarettes. After a moment of hesitation, Calum takes one. He has smoked a lot this week.“I can hear your guilt all the way here,” Ashton says teasingly.Calum chuckles and admits: “I've been smoking a lot more since I stopped drinking.” He leans into the lighter in Ashton's hands. “I also can't seem to stop talking about how I stopped drinking,” Calum murmurs on second thought.Ashton shrugs. “Seems like another way of detoxing.”“Talking about it?” Calum asks, Ashton just nods. “I guess it is,” Calum says, looking up at the trees swaying in the night.After a few moments of silence, Ashton speaks up again.“Not to bring up the topic to annoy you again but…” Ashton lets out a cloud of smoke. “I found Luke at a party a couple of months ago.”Calum's heart twists just a little painfully at the sound of Luke's name.
He just says: “Did you?”“Yeah,” Ashton replies. “He looked like he was doing alright.”A wave of relief floods Calum, who nods without looking at Ashton.“You know, I think in the last few years I started to have a vision of Luke being arrogant and a bit of a dick,” Ashton admits with a light laugh. “But the other day…” He trails off and takes a drag from his cigarette.

Calum imitates him and prepares himself to hear the first news about Luke in months.“He seemed to be very grateful with life, and genuinely happy,” Ashton finally says.Calum breathes in relief and he sends a silent thank you to the universe before Ashton continues.“He had a six-pack of non-alcoholic beer with him.” At this, Calum turns at Ashton and finds him looking at Calum, a smile tugging at his lips. “He got sober, too,” Ashton tells him.It takes just a second to make the connection of how Calum and Luke seem to be living parallel lives.Calum only lets out a quiet: “Oh.”
“It’s funny, isn’t it?” Ashton says.Calum swallows and nods. He stays in silence for a few moments, thinking and not thinking at the same time.
“I'm glad he's okay,” Calum says finally.“Yeah, me too,” Ashton agrees.Silence settles again and they continue smoking.A couple of minutes later, Calum's Uber pulls around the corner.“That's me,” he tells Ashton.“Alright.” They hug and kiss on the cheek. “Take care, mate.”“You too,” Calum responds. “Walk home safe.”“‘Course,” Ashton says. “Text me when you get home.”Calum nods and gets in the car when it stops next to them. “See you, Ash.”Ashton gives him a two-finger salute as the Uber starts moving.On his way home, as they fly by countless lights on an overpass, Calum wonders if one day, night drives won't be associated with Luke.

November 2022
Calum is riding the bus downtown, the trees along the sidewalks paint patches of shadow and sunlight against his closed eyelids. It's only about 5 p.m., but the weather is cold and the sun does little to warm him up. It will be gone from the sky soon.He oscillates between looking out the window and closing his eyes, focusing on the piano music playing on his earphones— an attempt at calming down. He's paralysed with the anxiety of meeting Luke for the first time in almost two years.No matter how hard he focuses on the music, every couple of minutes Luke's face or voice pops up in his mind and his heart rate spikes up, a shot of anxiety coursing through his entire body.He is plagued by the conflicting feeling of knowing you're nearing a breaking point, being eager to do so and wanting to know what will happen after long hours of worrying and overthinking, but ultimately fearing the unavoidable, irreparable outcome.Whatever Luke and he talk about tonight, he senses, will be a fresh start or the final goodbye.A couple of weeks ago, he caved in and messaged Luke. To Calum’s surprise, he texted back.They didn’t talk too much and agreed better to meet for coffee.Hands in his pockets, Calum walks through the deserted streets of downtown.It's late on a weekday, and cold enough to scare away the amount of people normally wandering around. As his footsteps echo between the old stone buildings, it's as if the world had ended. The orange street lamps and dark shadows create a new world of stillness and silence to which only Calum seems to have access.A few streets go by without him encountering a single soul. He hears only his breathing and footsteps, the grazing of fabric against fabric as he moves. Until minutes later someone crosses the next street, perpendicularly to Calum's direction, and from there on, other passersby start to be more frequent. The strange pocket realm where Calum existed all alone disappears again.He’s meters away from the cafe where he’s meeting Luke when he sees a too familiar tall figure walking towards him, his heart accelerates.Calum gets to the door of the cafe first so he waits outside for Luke.In no time, Luke is standing a few steps away from him and it feels so surreal to see him again. Calum has to admit, after they stopped talking a year ago, he’d thought their connection was over for good.Without saying a word, Calum hugs Luke tightly and soon he’s embraced by Luke’s arms as well. Memories of hugging Luke like this, feeling so overwhelmed, wash over Calum and he hopes that this time won’t be like the last one.Winter clothes aside, Luke is warm as always.Still with his face hidden in Calum’s shoulder, Luke whispers, voice muffled with his mask. “Hi, Cal.”“Hi,” Calum replies barely audibly and they finally step away.Luke’s eyes are brighter than the streelights above them. “Let’s get inside.”Calum is glad he’s wearing a mask, because he’s smiling like an idiot under it.The café is cosy with warm lights and electric heaters positioned strategically near the small wooden tables. Almost as soon as they take their seats, they start feeling toasty and the beanies and scarves come off.
Luke gasps as Calum reveals his midnight blue buzzcut, at the same time Calum’s eyes widen at Luke's short bleached curls.“Your hair!” They exclaim at the same time and laugh.“Oh my God,” Luke whines. “Calum, your curls!”Calum laughs. “I know, I know, don’t even get started.”“God,” Luke repeats. “You look so good though, damn it.” Calum smiles as he sees Luke’s fingers moving rapidly. “Can I?” Luke asks.“You’re the first to ask,” Calum chuckles and leans down. Luke’s hand starts moving softly over his head in circles.“ Ohhh ,” Luke says in awe, then puts his hand away. “The blue looks amazing on you”.“Thanks,” Calum replies. “I love your look too,” he adds, nodding towards Luke. “You look so…” He searches for the right word. “Bright.”Luke’s head tilts a little to the side, as if he’s surprised, but there is a pleased smile on his lips. “Thanks, Cal.”Hearing the diminutive again in Luke's voice makes Calum feel a small rush of emotion in his chest.The waiter comes to take their order; a cappuccino for Calum and a moka for Luke, both with lactose-free milk. They laugh when they both confess they are lactose intolerant now.“Being in your twenties, dude,” Luke chuckles.“It’s not as bad as it could be,” Calum shrugs, still smiling.“Oh, definitely not.”Calum takes Luke in fully. His eyes are so bright and blue, there is a light in them that Calum has only seen a handful of times before. His skin is glowing and the dark circles under his eyes are, of course, still there— they will always be there with Luke being so pale— but he looks well rested and relaxed, healthy. Luke looks beautiful.Trying to not stare like an idiot too much, Calum asks: “So, how have you been?”Luke looks down at the table, as if the admittance was too vulnerable. “Honestly, I literally have never been better.”Is it an exaggeration that Calum wants to cry?“I’m really glad to hear that,” Calum’s voice sounds raspy.A tender smile appears in Luke’s mouth. “Me too.”The waiter comes with their drinks and as Calum reaches for his cup, it’s Luke’s turn to ask: “How have you been?”Calum’s coffee serves as a hiding place for a brief moment, while Luke’s sapphire gaze assesses him, probably just like Calum did to him moments ago.
With the taste of coffee and cinnamon in his mouth, Calum replies: “I’m happy.” There are tears threatening to spill from his eyes again. “Genuinely happy and for absolutely no reason.” There is still incredulity in his voice, even after a few months of this new state of being. “Or for all the reasons.”Luke gives him a look full of understanding and reaches over the table to take Calum’s hand. “That’s nice to know.”Calum looks down at Luke’s hand, his nails painted dark pink and blue, and gives it a light squeeze. Luke smiles at him before letting go.“So what was your journey to happiness like?” Calum half jokes, the last traces of his cynicism sometimes slip in his humour.Luke exhales and shakes his head. “It was a fucking pain in the ass.” Calum chuckles.“Yeah,” he agrees. “It’s not how they paint it to be, right?”“It never is.” Luke coincides. Calum gives him a nod so he continues. “Well,” Luke starts, “I moved back here because I was…” He looks away and his eyes get a bit cloudy for a moment. “I was too lonely and had too much freedom to do whatever I wanted. And when you go to therapy and realise you have an addictive personality, besides,” he gestures vaguely at Calum, as if to say you know, everything else I have going on. “I got to the point when I knew I either came back or I never would.”Calum hums in understanding.“So I came back, tried to get my shit together and got sober,” Luke adds. “Well,” he makes quotation marks with his fingers, “ sober . I still take the usual brain cocktail and all that.”Calum nods. “Ashton told me.”“I assumed he would,” Luke admits. Then: “Does he still think I’m a dick?”The question makes Calum inevitably cackle loudly. “Who told you that?”“No one needed to tell me that, Ashton’s a fucking open book, it was obvious,” Luke scoffs good-heartedly. “And I was a dick for a while, to be fair.” Calum starts to object but Luke interrupts him immediately. “I was, that’s the truth.”“Well, you know what they say. Accepting it is the first step,” Calum jokes.“Cheers to that,” Luke raises his cup of coffee and takes a sip, Calum imitates him. “What about you?”The little spoon rattles over the plate as Calum sets his cup down. “Something very similar, actually,” he says. “I had a really bad panic attack in 2020, in…” Calum trails off. “July I think.
And it was the first one I’d ever had without being high or something,” Luke nods. “But the day before I was euphoric, like jumping around the house and everything, it was kind of odd,” he murmurs.Calum remembers how he spent most of that afternoon blasting music and dancing, even jumping from couch to couch in his living room.“And then the next day I woke up and I felt numb, like back in the day,” Luke’s face is serious as Calum says this. “At some point in the night, I started panicking because I thought maybe it’d start to be like before and I freaked out.”The energy suddenly feels too sombre, Calum shakes his head. “Anyway, the point is that I think that was me hitting rock bottom,” he continues. “And I guess there was no other way but up from there,” he shrugs.“That’s exactly it, isn’t it?” Luke says contemplatively, Calum just nods. “Didn’t you get sober too?”“Ah, yes,” Calum remembers, then stops. “How did you…?“Ashton,” Luke smirks.“That fucking guy, I swear to God,” Calum mutters with a laugh. “I bet you he was trying to stir things up.”“Oh, for sure,” Luke agrees. “He kind of did, though, we have to give him that.”“That’s true,” Calum concedes.“So, sobriety,” Luke remarks.“Yes, yes,” Calum gets back on track. “You know how we all really got into the whole day drinking in quarantine?”The corners of Luke’s mouth pull down in a worried grin as he nods. “I definitely do.”“It didn’t end well, obviously, no surprise there,” Calum opens his hands in defeat. “Knocked myself drunk, can’t remember half of what happened that night, then I kind of stopped drinking, but not really. And then it felt like I'd taken a step in the wrong direction, so I really stopped drinking for six months.”Luke presses his lips together. “Definitely sounds like a journey.”
“It sure was,” Calum replies.“I’m proud of you,” Luke’s tone is really tender when he says it.Calum forces himself not to look down and accept the praise. “Thank you.” Gathering a little bit of bravery, he takes Luke’s hand again. “I’m proud of you too.”Luke caresses Calum’s hand gently, then they let go.“What about celebrating with dessert?” Calum proposes. “Those slices of cake are calling to me but I don’t think I can finish one.”“Why not.” Luke turns to the counter and examines the baked goods from far away. “What about that lemon pie?”“ Ew,” Calum whines. “Luke, no.”“What do you mean ew ?” Luke asks horrified. “Don’t tell me you don’t like lemon pie.”“I absolutely don’t like lemon pie, like the well-adjusted person I am,” Calum states proudly.Luke is shocked. “Well, I thought we were going to be friends again but I see that’s not possible.” He makes the show of putting his napkin down and getting up from the table. “It was nice knowing you.”“Sit your ass down,” Calum giggles. “Do you want dessert or not?”Taking his seat again, Luke lets out an overly dramatic sigh. “I do, but at what cost?”Calum rolls his eyes. “Blackberry cheesecake?”“Sounds fucking phenomenal,” Luke grins.While Calum tries to catch the attention of the waiter, he asks without looking at Luke: “Did you mean it?”When he finally turns to Luke, Calum can see that he understands what he’s talking about.“I do,” Luke says. “I think there are things we should talk about,” he adds, “but I mean it.”Calum nods and the waiter comes to the table. When they walk away after Calum asks for the cake, Calum speaks, rubbing his hands anxiously under the table.“Can I start, please?”“Sure,” Luke allows.“Fuck, okay,” Calum mumbles. Maybe he should have tried to put his thoughts in order before asking to speak first.Taking a deep breath, Calum begins.“First of all, even if in the end we decide that this…” For lack of a word, Calum gestures towards Luke and himself. “All of this, isn't going to happen, I still want you to know that I'm really fucking grateful I met you and always will be.”Luke's cerulean gaze gets glassy with tears. “Shit, you're starting strong.” They chuckle quietly, then Calum continues.“I also want to apologise,” his tone turns more vulnerable. “I know I hurt you with my indecision,” Calum continues, “and also by not being completely honest with you sometimes.” Luke's face is full of empathy. “I’m sorry,” Calum says simplyAmazingly, he made it through the speech without crying or his voice shaking. Luke on the other hand is looking upwards and trying to blink away his tears.Eventually he looks at Calum, nodding, then he clears his throat. “I feel the same about knowing you.”And here they come, Calum’s tears, fast approaching, but Luke continues anyway.“And about the rest, I know it wasn’t intentional, so it’s all okay, but I appreciate you saying that.”It’s hard for Calum to keep holding back the tears while he’s finally getting the words he’d been longing to hear for so long— forgiveness.The waiter comes and places the cheesecake along with an extra plate and fork on the table and then quickly goes away, when they see Calum silently drying his face with a napkin.When Calum looks up, Luke is staring into his eyes so intensely that Calum feels like looking away, but he forces himself to hold the gaze.“I feel like I really fucked up in so many things,” Luke admits. And then, with something that makes his blue eyes look thunderous, he says: “And I feel like I left you hanging when I should’ve been there for you the most.”It’s guilt, Calum realises, that dark emotion in Luke’s semblance.The essence of their relationship, so full of parallels, symmetry and full circle moments dawns on Calum in that moment.And it’s not that Calum thought Luke didn’t feel any remorse for everything that’s happened between them, it’s just that Calum is arrogant in his pain; he always thinks he’s the one who feels the most guilt, the most grief, and everyone else moves on with their life without looking back.“Back in quarantine,” Luke continues, “what you were asking for wasn't unfair or too much, I shouldn't have acted like it was.” Luke's eyes cast down and his fingers play with a corner of the napkin on the table. “I’m sorry, I could have been more patient.”Calum hopes his eyes convey the forgiveness he extended to Luke a long time ago now.“And when I left…”“Luke,” Calum interrupts him gently. He knows Luke can spiral down very easily when it comes to matters like this. “I understand all of it.” God, Calum’s voice is breaking again. “I forgive you.”“Thank you,” Luke murmurs softly.They stare at each other for a few moments, both teary-eyed but finally free of the weight of the past.“So,” Calum says, voice a little rough, “can you overlook my hate for citrusy desserts and be my friend or do I have to eat this cheesecake all by myself?” Calum jokes to lighten up the air.“I’d rather have you in my life in any way I can than not at all, Calum,” Luke states tenderly.“Fuck,” Calum chokes up, hidding his face on his hands, along with the new tears Luke’s words bring. “That’s… yeah.”They laugh together quietly, with all the crying from the conversation still tinting their chuckles.Calum takes a deep breath and looks up at Luke, his eyes are red, probably just like Calum’s, but his smile is open and relaxed. Calum mirrors it back.“Okay, then,” he whispers.He sets to cutting the slice of cheesecake in two and puts one half onto Luke’s plate.As he takes a mouthful of the cheesecake, Luke asks incredulously: “Really? All citrusy desserts? Not even lemon bars?”
“Not even lemon bars,” Calum confirms.“Damn.”⧪A couple of hours later, they’re still talking at the cafe.“I know it sounds cheesy,” Calum says, “but I read this book about the concept of Love and how we never define it and…”Luke puts his hands flat on the table. “ All About Love? ”“Yes!” Calum exclaims. “You read it?”Luke puts his palms together as if in prayer and closes his eyes as he says: “Bell Hooks, our lady and saviour.”Calum chuckles. “Honestly, though. My life really took a turn after that book.”
“It’s like getting a lobotomy!” Luke declares, which makes Calum cackle. “In the best way.”“It really changes your perspective to have something solid like Love to lean on, doesn’t it? Calum says.Luke agrees. “Definitely.”The waiter comes then to inform them the cafe is closing soon, five minutes before 11 p.m.“We should get going then,” Luke says, snatching the bill before Calum can take it. “Where are you headed to?”“Fine, I’ll pay the tip,” Calum grumbles. “I’m going home.”“Same place as always?”“No, uhm, I live in Songterra now,” he replies.“Holy shit, are we neighbours?” Luke says grinning widely and gets up, Calum follows him.“Do you still live at The Village?” Calum frowns, putting his mask on.“Yeah, my brother kept the house when I left, so when I got back I moved in again,” Luke explains.Outside, the night is quiet and even colder than when they arrived earlier. Calum shoves his hands into his pockets and inhales the clean wind that blows in their direction. It almost burns his nose with how cold it is and it already smells like winter.
He’s looking up at the cloudless sky when Luke asks: “How come I’ve never stumbled with you around there? We’re so close to each other.”Calum shrugs and turns to him. “Life’s mysteries.”He can see Luke smile behind his mask. “Come on, I’ll drive you home.”⧪The ride home is accompanied by low music playing from Luke’s car stereo as they catch up on the time they weren’t on talking terms, even before 2020.There are the lovers and friendships won and lost, the long road to healing— which they both coincide, they’re still in it— and the disbelief that happiness brings after so many years of darkness.Of course, they don’t finish with the catch-up. It’s already late and both have to get up early the next day, but and it’s comforting to know that they can always to talk to each other again.⧪With the geographical distance a non-issue now, it’s rare when they don’t spend a free afternoon or weekend together, but this time, more boundaries are set and there is much less codependency in the mix.As to their romantic feelings, they both agreed: The best for their relationship is to remain platonic.Naturally, the spark that flares up when they get too close is still there. And occasionally they will silently challenge each other to see if the other breaks, but at the end of the day, they are just friends.

April 2023
The noise of the party and the two beers he’s drunk bring a steady humming to Calum's body. The low blue light that illuminates just enough of Michael's and Ashton's living room rather than make Calum feel sleepy, it makes him feel awake and even a little overstimulated, but in a good way.It's been a while since he's gone out at night and has felt relaxed between the smoke and alcohol smell, the noise and small talk. Calum knows a big part of why he's having a good time now is the company.Sitting with him and Luke are their long-time friends; Ashley and their girlfriend, along with Ryan and his now-wife Jessica, then Crystal and Sierra— who Calum assumes are dating or in the process of doing so, since they have been oogling at each other and exchanging shy touches all night— and Roy with one of his partners.Luke is sitting a couple of seats away from Calum and although Calum would prefer to be sitting right next to him, he can see Luke better from here.They are all intently listening to Luke as he tells the story of how once he accidentally ended up in a town called Saint Lucas, but not the Saint Lucas he was supposed to get to, rather one in a completely different state.Calum is, not at all for the first time, fascinated by how easily Luke can draw people in. Sure, the story is funny and interesting, but it's the cadence with which he talks and makes a pause to add a dry joke that keeps everyone hooked.With that little bit of awkwardness of adolescence Luke had now completely gone, he’s become the person he was supposed to be— although that person was always there, Calum supposes. In retrospect, Calum thinks of how Luke always had an outgoing disposition, a need to explore places and meet new people. The drive paired well with his magnetism.Maybe it's some kind of déjà-vu provoked by being surrounded by people they have known for over ten years now, but as Luke gestures with his hands to illustrate a part of the story, Calum can almost see 16 year old Luke sitting in the place of the current Luke.He's happy to have seen Luke grow up. He is happy that they made it out alive, there were times when, Calum admits to himself with sadness and a bit of shame, he didn't think they would make it to their twenties.Everyone is laughing now, Luke looks at Calum and smiles, giving him a wink too. Calum smiles back before Roy, sitting next to him, gets up to get a beer. Almost immediately, Luke takes the empty seat and crosses an arm behind Calum's shoulders.A couple of moments later, Ashley asks: “How long have you two been dating? I feel like it's been forever.”And it's like high school all over again.Calum and Luke exchange a glance. It's not uncomfortable, but the assumption isn't on point either.Calum gives Luke a lopsided smile before saying to Ashley in a light tone: “We're not dating.”“Oh!” They exclaim. “I’m sorry, I just assumed.”“You're good,” Luke tells them. “We've been friends for a long time,” Calum sees the joke coming before Luke even opens his mouth. “Calum wishes, though.”He elbows Luke playfully. “Fuck you,” Calum laughs and Luke smiles broadly at him.Michael and Ashton come into the room in that moment, hands held, and Calum knows is time for the announcement.About a month ago, Michael told Calum, Ashton proposed to Michael and they are getting married in a month and a half— because being Ashton and Michael, of course they are. So this party is an excuse to give the official announcement to their friends.“Hey, everyone,” Ashton calls out. Michael seems about to start bouncing next to him.Luke exchanges a look with Calum. Luke knows about the engagement as well and is trying to hide his smile as he lowers the volume of the music with his phone.“Thanks, dude,” Ashton says to Luke. “We have an announcement.”Michael raises their interlaced hands, a matching set of rings on their fingers. “We're getting married!”Ashley and Sierra shriek loudly at the same time and Crystal borderline yells: “Oh my God!”Roy howls. “About damn time!”Ryan stands up to hug the couple and says: “Finally, bro.”The rest of the group begin to take turns congratulating Ashton and Michael. Eventually, Calum and Luke get up as well.“Congratulations,” Luke hugs them both in one embrace and says something else Calum can't hear over their friends’ chatter.When Like steps aside, Calum takes his place. “I'm really happy for you, guys.” A knot appears in Calum's throat the moment he hugs Ashton and by the time he gets to Michael,
he’s tearing up.“Oh, no, no,” Michael turns away from Calum. “Go away, you're gonna make me cry.”“Shut up and come here,” Calum chokes up. He pulls Michael into his arms. Soon both of them start crying laughing. “I told you there was someone who’d love you, didn't I?”“Stop saying cheesy shit, I’m going to kick you out of my house,” Michael’s voice is muffled against his neck.“You can’t. Who would be your best man then?” Calum pulls away.Wiping his tears with his sleeve, Michael scoffs. “Who told you you’re going to be the best man?”Calum rolls his eyes but his tone betrays his fondness. “Get out of here.”As Michael walks to Ashton and the rest of their friends standing in the middle of the room. Everyone is gushing about the news and giving second rounds of hugs.Something makes Calum notice how all of them have partners, except for Luke —who is standing next to him at the edge of the room, their arms brushing— and Calum himself.Still, the scene makes wave of peaceful joy and gratitude wash over Calum. He's thought about Love a lot the last couple of years, how he's lucky to be surrounded by it in so many ways and that he eventually found his way towards a life based in hope.However, he says to Luke: “Wait until they tell them the wedding is in six weeks.” Luke only chuckles, complicity reflected in his eyes.Perhaps it’s the lovely picture of their loved ones in front of them or maybe it’s just all the years of knowing Luke, but Calum starts to think about how he is the only person with whom Calum has experienced true forgiveness and Love.He turns to Luke and finds him already staring at Calum with a very strange look in his blue eyes that makes Calum's heart leap suddenly.Luke doesn’t say anything for a long moment, but all the intensity of his gaze remains on Calum, so he has to ask: “What?”Luke tilts his head to the side, as if saying you know what. Not for the first time, Calum wonders if maybe Luke can secretly read his mind after all.“Wanna give it a try?” Luke proposes, voice.Calum allows himself to think of it seriously; romance with Luke, with both of them now free from cynicism, healthier than ever, happy.Really, what would be different, besides the physical aspect of it? Spending the night instead of going home and calling each other pet names? Their levels of intimacy are already so high that it’s hard to go any further.As Calum’s face starts breaking into a grin, a cocky, almost seductive, lopsided-smile adorns Luke’s lips.“I reckon we can make it,” Calum replies.“Yeah, sure,” Luke shrugs casually, like it isn’t a big deal, but the spark in his eyes say otherwise.He reaches for Calum’s hand and kisses the back of it. Calum feels his skin tingle, but fucks with Luke anyway.“Oh, no,” Calum whines, putting on an exaggerated face of false concern. “Are you going to propose? Are you having a case of wedding fever?”Luke rolls his eyes and steps closer to Calum, the movement slow, deliberate. It makes Calum suddenly very aware of Luke’s body heat and wide frame. “You were thinking the same, you little fucker, don’t try to fool me,” Luke murmurs. Calum breaks into a smile “Besides, if I ever proposed to you, you would cry for a week,” Luke adds with arrogance.A rush moves Calum to pull Luke towards him. He wants to touch him, be with him chest to chest and dig his hands into Luke’s blonde curls. “I don’t think so,” Calum lies blatantly and pulls Luke to his lips.Luke holds him closer by the waist and his cologne— sweet but not cloying, a little spicy— envelops Calum in a haze as their lips move softly but sensually against the other’s.The only thing that breaks through their bubble is Michael suddenly yelling in the background: “Yes! Yes!” Calum is almost certain Michael is jumping.They break apart, grinning, and turn to find their friends all staring at them, although no one looks very surprised.“You’re welcome!” Ashton tells them, lifting his glass and smiling widely.Luke places a hand on the side of Calum’s neck and kisses him again.Calum thinks a lot about how he met Luke. It used to feel like a mere coincidence of events randomly happening at the right time, but now Calum thinks after all maybe it was a perfectly calculated plan by the hands of the universe.Either way, Calum is grateful to be alive, and even more so, he’s grateful to be alive at the same time as Luke.