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Why did such a good day have to end like this? You think to yourself. You stare at the man in front of you, the one who broke your heart into thousands of pieces three years ago, standing before you with a bouquet of daffodils and tulips.You were out with your friends going bar to bar until everyone but you were absolutely wasted. Even though you weren’t drinking, you still were having one hell of a time in your own way. Watching your drunk friends hit on random strangers at each bar making a total fool of themselves was great. As odd as it was, you somewhat enjoyed being the designated driver.After a couple of hours, you were finally home. You shower and change into more comfortable clothes. For the rest of the hour, you spend your time watching your favorite show. You’re interrupted by a knock at the door. After pausing the show, you get up to go and see what it is. Before opening the door, you check the peephole and freeze with shock. Or was it anger and fear you felt? No, it was all three.Your chest tightens, and you start to shake. Why is he here!? Why now after three years of nothing!? You think to yourself. There’s another knock, a few seconds pass then you hear him call out your name. He sounds tired yet he still came here. You curse yourself for not moving when you had the chance, that way you could have avoided him for longer.You start to panic, maybe you can just wait for him to go away. Bunji was never a patient man, he’ll leave sooner or later. Normally you don’t act like this when you see your exes, but he was different. You loved him more than any of the other people you dated. Hell, for a while you thought he was your one and only. That was until he slept with a hooker the day of your anniversary.You bring yourself to your senses and check the peephole again to see if he is still there. He hasn’t moved from the first time you checked. If you wanted to get rid of him there was only one option. Open the door and tell him to leave. You calm yourself down and take a deep breath before opening the door. And there he was. Bunji kugashira was at your doorstep, flowers in hand.His face lights up with joy. He fixes his posture and clears his throat“ God you look just as stunning as the day I lost you” he says as he offers you the flowers. You cross your arms, “ What are you doing here, Bunji?” You say as sternly as you can. As much as your heart aches for him, you can’t let yourself be deceived and allow yourself to be hurt again.His face saddens at your words like a dog tucking their tail between their legs. Yet unlike the dog, which would leave, he still stands in front of you. “ Listen, sugar, I-“ “ Don’t even try that bullshit on me” you cut him off without hesitation.“ I’m being serious,” he insisted, his face turning a little more determined to convince you. “ I want…you to be happy with me” he uttered, his eyes narrowing towards you. You started to see red,“ How am I supposed to be happy with you after what you did to me?” You reply.He stiffened, eyes narrowing defensively.“ Do you think I didn’t suffer?” He shot back
“Do you honestly think I give a damn!? I have been living with the fact that I gave you anything that you could ever want and you still cheated on me!” You yell. Your chest aches. Old pain you thought you were safe from, buried deep down, was wretched up in a moment. You feel a burning in the back of your throat and the threat of tears prickling at your eyes.“ That was one time, one night with a whore that I don’t even remember the name of-“ Bunji exclaimed before taking a deep breath. He forced his body to relax and put his hands up in a placating gesture. “ Can we not fight? Please let’s just talk this out…” he pleaded.“ Leave” you demand sharply. You go to swing the door closed only for it to be blocked with his foot.
“ Please” he begged, grabbing your hand as he forced the door back open.
“No, I gave you a chance and you fucked it up,” you say with anger in your voice.
“ Give me another, Please, darling '” He begs, hand still tethered to your arm.
“ Why? So you can hurt me again?” You cry out. His touch burns like acid on your skin. Longing and hurt swirl together as you remember the last interaction you had with him. The touch that he had given another.
“ I will never cheat on you again, please just listen to me,” he begged.“ Let me go!” You demand, attempting fruitlessly to escape his grip.
“ But I need you!” He cried.
“ Yeah!? Well, guess what! I needed you three years ago and you betrayed me! I am finally getting over you! I don’t need you anymore! So you shouldn’t need me!” Your voice wavers as you yell, choked with tears that roll heavily down your cheeks.“ You're being unreasonable!” he shouts
“ I’m the unreasonable one!?” you choke out,” You knew I had trust issues and now you’re asking for my trust back when you’re the one who betrayed it! Why do you need me so badly!?”
“ BECAUSE I LOVE YOU!” he shouted.
“ BULLSHIT!” Your voice cracks at the shout as your cries turn into sobs.
“I-I won’t believe you… Never again” you choke out. Your vision blurs through the tears which you try in vain to rub away.
“ Please, I swear to God… Please, I’ll do ANYTHING…I’ll never cheat, I’ll never hurt you” he begs.You stay quiet for a bit. It’s a tempting offer, you were happy while you were with him, but can you forgive him for what he did? The heartbreak that followed your breakup came up in your mind. Nights alone, pain beyond words, staring blankly at the spot where he should’ve been if he hadn’t gone and cheated. You take a deep shaky breath before making your decision.“ Just go, you already caused enough damage to me in one night,” you mutter, words drenched in sorrow. You feel drained, as though you’ve run a mile despite only having moved a few feet. Finally, he releases his grip on your arm and backs away. He hesitates for a moment before shuffling out the door in silence. You close the door behind him with a blank look and Bunji just sits there in defeat.You walk to your couch and fall onto it. Even that feels like a herculean effort. Glossy eyes stare up at the ceiling, seeing but not processing. All you can think about is the time you had spent with Bunji. Your chest aches and a wave of hurt and grief crashes over you. Tears prickle in your eyes and it doesn't take long for your cries to turn into sobs. It was all too painful for you to think about, yet you just couldn’t stop.You long for the times when the two of you were happy together, when it was just the two of you against the world. The nostalgia turns bittersweet in an instant. All you feel is pain. Pain from the memories. Pain from having been betrayed. Pain from being all alone.Your sobs get harsher and you curl into a fetal position, desperate for some meager form of comfort. It doesn’t ease the pain like you hoped it would but it’s all you can think to do. You look around through tear filled eyes, gaze stopping when you see your kitchen knives.
A small spark of something fills you and you're able to quiet your sobs.
You stop crying. You're still in pain, but now you can stop it. With a deep breath, you heave yourself up onto unstable legs and walk to the kitchen. You grab a sticky note from the counter before carefully selecting the sharpest knife you have. Items in tow, you pad over to the bathroom and turn on the water to begin filling the tub.The roaring water echoes inside your head. In ten to fifteen minutes this will all be over. You write a note saying goodbye to your loved ones on the sticky note you grabbed and place it on the mirror. You take one last look at yourself. Dead eyes stare back.
You look away and start to lower yourself into the tub. There’s banging on the front door, loud enough you can hear it from the bathroom but it feels detached. You decide that whatever it is, it isn’t as important as ending your suffering.You take the knife from earlier and drag it across your wrist, blade gliding easily over your skin. Red blossoms from under the metal, a shade deeper than that of the tulips Bunji has offered you. With a frown you toss the knife away, deciding that you’ve done enough, and submerge your body into the water. The sounds of the outside world fade away and the peace you crave is within your grasp. The water and blood loss add to a feeling of weightlessness that counters the heavy weight of sorrow you’d been carrying. A soft smile graces your face as you feel yourself being pulled under.
Just as you pass out, the door of the bathroom slams open. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ You jolt awake tears streaming down your face. “It was just a dream. Just… a dream” you repeat trying to calm down. Your heart races in your chest, panicky like a caged bird. You take a deep breath and hold it shortly before exhaling. It takes a few tries but eventually your heartbeat slows back down to normal. With a sigh you lay back down. The bed below you feels foreign and you open back up your eyes to glance around. You notice it wasn’t a normal room, it had no T.V., no windows, just a few machines monitoring your vitals and a few chairs. A hospital room, that's where you were.A nurse walks in, as if on cue, and records your vitals before asking you if you need anything.
“ Could you tell me which hospital I’m at?” You ask, voice gravelly from being unused.
“ Billion city hospital” she responds as she takes a note on her tablet, “ You had some pretty deep cuts on your wrist. “You’re lucky your boyfriend got you here as quickly as he did or you wouldn’t have made it”Your memories come rushing back and it takes a second before her words fully process. “I’m sorry but I don’t have a boyfriend. Who brought me in?” You ask tilting your head.
“ He has been sitting outside the room for a while now, if you want I can call him in.” She responded.Your face fell as you thought about it. Unfortunately, despite her lack of information, you already had an idea of who it was waiting for you. Conflict swirled inside of you, part of you is yelling for you to hear him out while the other half is screaming to get him out of your life. Even with all this madness running through your head, you just wanted one thing. Just a simple hug.You pull the thin blanket over your head and hug your knees up to your chest for comfort. Tears roll soundlessly down your face and you choke back quiet sobs. Distantly, you hear the sound of a chair being moved closer to your bed but it's overshadowed by your painful need for a hug. It feels like your skin is crawling, you crave it so desperately but there's nothing there for you other than a thin blanket and yourself.A sob slips past your lips and you feel a hand start to rub your back. You initially jolt at the touch but are quick to lean into it. You let out sobs of relief. It was the comfort you so desperately wanted. After a bit, you start to calm down. You move the blanket off of your head and wipe away any excess tears. You turn so you can see the nurse.She gives you a small sympathetic smile before speaking, “I may not know the full story, but I know how it is losing all your trust in someone you care for. If what I have been told is true, then you have been through a hell I would never wish on my worst enemy. Just reading your medical history shows how much pain you are suffering. What I’m getting to is that it’s okay to not be okay, we all have our rough spots. It’s what makes us human. And with those rough spots comes mistakes that we oftentimes can’t fix. Just as you make mistakes, the man sitting outside this room will too. After all, he has a human heart just as much as you do. Still, it’s up to you to forgive him or not.” Her words echo through your mind, hitting you like a ton of bricks. It was so obvious that anyone else could have told you that, but you couldn't get over your own stubbornness to see it. You let out a sigh and mumble, “ God, why am I such an asshole?” the nurse chuckles, “ You aren’t an asshole, you were just in pain. So, what do you want to do now?”You knew in your heart it was time to face what happened head on, no more running away from past mistakes. “ Can you bring him in? I’d like to speak with him privately.” The nurse nods her head and stands up to leave the room. You feel like you are alone in the room for ages, heart pounding in your chest as your thoughts begin to race.Taking a few deep breaths, inhaling for three seconds, holding for another three and exhaling. Your nerves relaxed and your thoughts slowed. There is a knock at the door and a voice follows,”Can I come in?” You hesitate, you feel so scared. Before you were afraid of getting hurt, but now you're terrified he won't forgive you.You give him permission to enter and shift your gaze to the door. Bunji walks with flowers in hand and takes a seat in the chair next to your bed. Setting the flowers down on the table, he keeps his head down trying his best to avoid looking at you. Once you notice this, you take his hand into yours giving it a gentle squeeze.“ Bunji, I’m…I’m sorry for being so stubborn and dramatic. I took things too far and I know it was wrong. I should have at least listened to what you had to say. What you did was wrong, but now I understand that you have changed for the better. Please forgive me” as you ask for forgiveness, you see tears running down his cheeks.He abruptly pulls you into a hug and begins to sob into your shoulder. You stroke his hair gingerly trying your best to comfort him. “ I-I thought I lost you” he cries holding on to you for dear life. “ I’m not going anywhere, I promise.” You whisper to him. The two of you sit there for a while, it hurts to see him so sad, but you can’t help but feel a little happy about having him in your arms again.