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Date: January 2010 Location: Black home, La Push, Washington Jacob Black woke up to a banging on his front door at 1 am on a cold winter’s night. Shook his head to clear the sleep: another pack member with a crisis. He wasn’t exactly sure when he had become everyone’s therapist – ok, maybe since he became pack leader last year. He wondered: did Sam have to deal with all this back in the day? Yeah, probably. Must have been even worse, since they were all dramatic teenagers… no wonder Sam had been so eager to give up the job. Mental note: thank him for those years. I had no idea this was so complicated. He rolled out of bed, groaned, and headed to open the door. Leah Clearwater flew in, face tear-streaked and distraught. This was unexpected: she had never come to him like this before. She famously kept her own counsel, always seemed above it all. He’d seen her angry countless times, but crying? Never.Weird.When she saw him standing there, rubbing his eyes, she took a breath and tried hard to compose herself. The words still came out in a bubbling mess.“Jake, I’m sorry, I just don’t know where to turn, there’s no one I can tell, I’m sorry to wake-“He pulled her into a hug and shushed her. He was getting used to authoritative hugging. He felt her calm down a bit. It’s working - maybe I can do this alpha stuff after all. “It’s ok, come to the kitchen. My dad’s sleeping, don’t wake him. I’ll make you some tea or something… You can tell me anything, you know that.”She followed wordlessly and sat at the small wooden table, shaking. He plugged in a kettle and turned on the stove light. The cozy glow, and the warmth in the small kitchen, started to bring Leah back to herself. When Jacob finally sat across from her, wide awake, concern in his dark brown eyes, she let it all out with a deep breath.“Jake, I - I - imprinted. Tonight. And I don’t know what to do.” She started shaking again.He put a steadying hand on her forearm. “On who? And what’s wrong?”Her words came out in a jumbled rush. “At the hospital with my mom, he’s a resident. Ray. Doctor Ray Carter. From Georgia. Mom forgot her lunch at home, I was bringing it to her, she was evening shift today, I walked in at like 6 and saw Ray and BAM and I almost passed out, and then Mom introduced us, and I couldn’t speak and Ray was getting off work and I- and I-”Strong warm fingers squeezed her arm. “Hey, slow down. It’s ok. This is a good thing. Why so upset?”“GOOD THING?!” Leah exploded, pulling away, face twisting. “Weren’t you listening? The spirits hate me, this is such bullshit…”Jacob interrupted calmly, trying hard to exude reassuring vibes. “Leah. I don’t get it. Is it because he’s not from here? Not all imprints have to be Quileute, I mean, I’ve proven that. Is he married or something? He didn’t like you back?”Leah stared at him like he was nine kinds of stupid. Her words slowed down and got an edge to them.“No, Jake. SHE liked me just fine.”
She?
“I thought you said Ray?” Confused now, not authoritative at all. I missed something, he thought. Did she say she or he? I’m failing her. I can’t do this. Sam will tell me what to do – no wait, I can’t tell him stuff about her… Leah’s distressed voice snapped him out of his self-absorption.“R – A – E. RAE. Are all doctors male to you or something? She’s only here for a month and then she leaves and her training doesn’t finish until July-“Jacob couldn’t think of what to say first. It was his turn to jumble his words.“Sorry, I missed that part before. Wait - I didn’t know you like women? And how do you know she’s leaving?” It was a start. He was desperately trying to assemble more thoughts when she answered.“Jake. I don’t. Like women, I mean like that. I mean, I’m straight -” One ragged breath, and now Leah started crying as she continued, miserably - “and so is she.” She bent over the table, hiding her face in her arms, shoulders shaking. “fucking spirits and their fucking bullshit” he heard her mumble furiously.Jacob gathered himself, paused a moment, then scooted his chair next to hers and placed a warm hand on her back. His tone became confident again. “Leah. It’s ok. An imprint doesn’t have to be sexual. Look at Quil. Hell, look at me.”She lifted her head and looked at him, wondering, and he brushed away her tears.“Listen – I don’t know why the imprints happen the way they do – trust me, I’ve thought a lot about it –“She managed a small sympathetic smile at that. He must have, she thought. Shit, at least Rae’s human…“ – but one thing I know for sure is that you can love someone with your whole heart, and want to be there for them, forever, or even be with them, forever, but not feel…that way. Maybe we’ve been too rigid about what we consider as love. Culturally, I mean.”Leah’s voice steadied. “Well, yeah, you say that, but Claire will grow up, and Nessie even faster, and then…”Jacob recoiled and stared at her in horror.“NO. NEVER. What the hell are you saying, that’s sick, how can you think that? I’ve spent a long time talking to Quil and he feels exactly the same as me. They’re children. We’re not perverts. What the hell do you think I am?!”He pictured Nessie, 3 years old (looking like 10 and talking like 15), playing with little Claire, now 6, at Emily’s house – their giggles, his joy at just watching them enjoy their lives, seeing Quil grinning too – how could Leah even think that - His stomach turned. He glared at her furiously.She frowned, and her tone got patronizing. “Jake. When they grow up. Not now. Obviously.”His face went black and he roared. “I CHANGED HER DIAPERS! NO! NEVER!”It scared her a little.He saw the alarm in her face and composed himself. Listened for Billy waking. Nothing, thank god. He continued in a tight quiet voice.“Sorry. But NO. And Quil feels the same. It just wouldn’t be ok. Ever. We don’t want… that.” She had never heard him sound so certain of anything.Leah reflected for a moment, humbled, wondering.Jacob quickly changed the subject.“You didn’t say how you knew Rae was leaving.”The word jumble again, as Leah’s face brightened. He’d never heard her speak like this – almost giddy. Was this the girl Sam knew back then? Has she been locked away all these years? “So I got to the hospital and mom introduced us – she really likes Rae, says she’s really nice and a great doctor, I’d heard mom mention her before at home - they don’t get residents often - but I hadn’t really listened or cared before. She’s in her last year, OHSU, she graduates in July and mom was trying to convince her to come work here. The rural rotations are only four weeks each. All of a sudden it’s like I remembered everything mom had said. So I’m standing there and I can’t speak, and Rae sensed something too, I think, because she was finishing up work and asked us if we could recommend a good place to eat dinner since she’d missed lunch and doesn’t know the area, she’s from Georgia, she’s just here on rotation —““You said that part already”“Oh, right. Anyway she was looking at me when she asked, but I couldn’t, like, form words, so Mom answered, she didn’t see what was happening I think, she recommended the diner, and basically told me to take Rae there. I don’t think she meant stay with her to eat, just show her the way because it’s a bit convoluted, the path from the hospital, but I finally said sure, and smiled and she smiled back and oh my god her smile, Jake, and so we went to the diner and I just sat with her, it wasn’t even a question, we were both so happy to be there and we had dinner and the conversation just flowed, you know when it just flows?”“As easy as breathing”, he confirmed, a hint of a sad smile on his face. Leah didn’t notice it as she continued excitedly.“-and we were sitting for like three, four hours until the place closed but then I still didn’t want to leave her so I said we should get a drink, and she asked me if I was even old enough, I always forget that I still look 20, physically, and we went for a drink and just – I like her so much, I think I love her, I get her, she gets me, and she really likes me too, and she only had to leave because she works in the morning, so I walked her to the apartment she’s staying at, then I came here. So what do I do now?” Jacob wasn’t sure what to answer. He paused a moment. “Are you seeing her again?” he managed.“Well, yeah, of course, we’re going to a movie tomorrow night in Port Angeles, but I can’t see her Thursday because she has overnight call. Tomorrow I’m gonna ask her if she wants to go to the cabin for the weekend. Jake - she’s all I can think about, I don’t think I can sleep tonight -”“Leah. You’ve got this, don’t worry. Haven’t you ever had a best friend before?”His question was meant to be rhetorical, but he watched, alarmed, as her eyes filled with tears again.“Only once. And I’ve also only been in love once. And they’re together, and we don’t talk much anymore. Not about anything deep.” She spat out the words. Her face was wet.Jacob leaned closer, instinctively, and pulled her into his arms. “Aw, honey, don’t be upset. I know, it’s a mindfuck at first. But she’ll love you back. She will. I promise. It doesn’t have to fit in some kind of bullshit romantic box, that much I know. Also, haven’t there been women living together for their whole lives since, like, forever?”“Those are lesbians, Jake” she said flatly. But she leaned into the hug and let herself be comforted. She secretly appreciated the fact that he’d started cursing more in the past few years.“No, I mean like famous people, artists, intellectuals, I learned about it in school-““Those. Were. Closeted. Lesbians. Jake.”“No” he continued stubbornly. “Some of them had kids from other relationships, raised them all together-““Still lesbians. Ok, maybe bi.” She softened a bit. “I get your point though.”Even in La Push, she thought, there are straight women living together, raising their kids, sharing the work and the budget, doing just fine, and being each other’s person. But some of those homes break up if one of them gets a new man, a part of her argued. But those relationships aren’t imprints, another part countered. But what about sex? I’m not dead from the neck down…He spoke again and it pulled her out of her thoughts. His huge arms were still wrapped around her.“Ok, fine, my education was maybe not great. I’ll admit that. But I do know that women can be really, really close without being lovers. People in general can do that, really. Look at the pack – we’re family, even if it’s not perfect. And I definitely know how strong the imprint is. And how… bilateral it is. She’s gonna love you. You’re... lovable. Trust me.”He kissed the top of her head, like her dad used to do, and she dissolved into tears of relief. It was exactly what she needed to hear.“You’re a way better alpha than Sam ever was” she choked out, hugging him tightly.He swelled with pride and blushed a bit. “Well of course you’d say that, considering…” he joked, trying to cover up just how good her words made him feel.She pulled back and looked up at him, her expression finally calm. “So – tomorrow I’m going to take her to the movies, and maybe we’ll spend the weekend at the cabin. You’re right, you know. She was just as happy to be with me tonight - I felt it. But after this month she’s going back… man, that’s gonna suck.”“But she’ll be done in July, you said. Maybe she can get work out here? I don’t mean the rez, necessarily, though we’d love a doctor here, but maybe Forks Hospital? Your mom likes her…”Leah’s eyes widened. “Oh shit, my mom. Seth. What do I say to them?”He replied confidently. “Say you made a new friend. It’s mostly the truth, so far. When she moves here“ – Leah’s breath caught at that, the mere thought, he said when, he sounds so certain – “once you two have figured it all out, then you can tell them about the imprint. In the meantime – breathe, honey. You’re going to pass out otherwise. I think you’ll be spending a lot of time with her this month. Enjoy it.”Even as her heart thrummed, Leah noticed the slight change in his face as he said that last bit.“Jake?”“Yeah”“What’s wrong?”“Nothing”“Bullshit”Long pause.“Tell me”He sighed and looked down at the table. He had gotten so good at hiding his thoughts, but she was already down in the deep with him anyway, and she clearly wasn’t going to let this go.“Nessie’s living in a house full of fucking vampires and I hardly get to see her” he muttered darkly.“But she was here just this past weekend, you guys went fishing with Charlie –“ Leah bit off her words when she remembered: He’s imprinted, too. A few hours a week wouldn’t be enough, with Rae, or at least she was starting to think so. Now she understood why the girl always melted down when it was time to go home, clung to him. I wanna stay here with you, I don’t ever wanna go back, Jacob, pleeeease… And his pained face when he carried her sobbing form to the truck.It was too horrible to contemplate. She hadn’t realized.No one had.“Jake?”“Yeah”“Why do you even bring her back there? Why can’t she just live here? She wants to stay so bad, I’ve seen it, and you must want that, too? I think I know how much, now.”“They’re her parents, Leah. She’s a kid. It’s not my place.” His voice was flat.“Oh bullshit, she’s smarter than them and us and she knows her own mind-““They’re going to move to London if I don’t respect the visitation rules” he broke in quickly. Ah, so he’d had that conversation. “She’s their daughter. They won’t give her up. Yes, we could just keep her here anyway” – he added, as he sensed the wolf in her rising; sister, woman, protector – “but they would absolutely break the treaty and come get her, and maybe we could take them all, but how many people would we lose in that fight? It’s just not possible.” His face was strained. He’d clearly thought about this a lot. “And if they’re all gone and we’re half-gone, then we can’t stop other forces from trying to destroy her, or capture her - we know they want to. The Volturi would love to keep her as a pet. The Cullens” –in his tone she heard The Leeches – “are a form of protection. Our alliance might be what keeps Nessie safe, for now. I need to just take what I can get, stay on their good side. She won’t be a kid forever. They promised her that once she’s fully grown, she can decide for herself – by then she’ll probably be unstoppable anyway, she’s so fucking strong. I just need to hang on for a few more years. Give her as much love as I can, whenever I get the chance.”“I get it” she said slowly. “And you can’t live there because…?”“Because, one” – he counted on his fingers – “the pack needs me. Two, I’m not sure I’d be able to… stay respectful enough” –hide my feelings, she heard – “and the treaty’s important, like I said. Three, the smell of that whole compound is so disgusting I’d need to get my nose removed or go insane. Four, they already said no. They see how she is around me. She’s already difficult enough with them, and they know I’d make it worse.”Oh, Jake, if they let you… You’d be willing to suck up all the rest… Leah shook her head sadly but kept her thoughts to herself. Then one slid out anyway. “Wait. Sad Girl isn’t on that list. Bella.”Another sigh. “Bella is dead. The - thing she is now has nothing of Bella except a shell. She’s no better than he is, no different. The only ones I can stand to be around for more than thirty seconds are Carlisle and Esme. And even they start to stink after a couple of minutes.”Leah leaned in and put her hand on his arm. She’d never been an especially good listener, but she was willing to try. “Keep going” she said gently. He visibly needed to get this out.Jacob looked up at her: he’d never seen softness on her face before. Who is this girl? Can one little imprint do all this?“The worst part – the worst part is – I’d be closer to ok with all this if they were good parents. Like, even a little bit. But what I’ve seen, and what she’s told me – my girl’s growing up mostly alone.” His words were strangled with grief.“They tell her she’s beautiful, and perfect, and they love her accomplishments – and really, she can do so much, she’s amazing – but it’s like it all reflects back on them. Bella loves the parts that remind her of Edward, and he loves the parts that remind him of Bella – but neither of them sees her. They’re still only looking at each other, really, even after all this time. She always has to do something impressive – mastering a skill, reading something advanced, showing off, or dressing up. Vampire shit. Performances, all of it, even on her so-called days off. Like that’s the point of life. Like that’s love. It is such bullshit and it’s starting to mess up her head. She got so mad when she didn’t catch a fish on Sunday - she couldn’t even look at me after, it was so fucked up – it took me an hour to calm her down, remind her that she’s enough, just being with her is enough. That it happens, some days they don’t bite, you can’t control everything. She thought she failed me. She looks mad but under it she’s terrified, she doesn’t feel loved unless she’s –““Hey. She knows you love her. She knows.” Leah squeezed his arm.“I – I told her on Sunday, not just that I love her but that she doesn’t ever have to earn it, or convince me, and not from the imprint but ‘cause that’s what real love’s always like – and she started asking all these questions about people we know and their relationships and it’s like she realized, she’s so smart, Leah, it’s almost scary - she figured out on her own that her parents don’t love her like normal parents, they can’t, because they’re not human – and it messed her up I think even more – she cried in my arms for an hour, and then I had to bring her to that house after that… It almost killed me.”Pain was all over his face. She didn’t know what to do.“Jake. Go visit her! Climb in her window or something!”“Pfft. One, that’s creepy as hell, unless she knew I was coming and wanted me there, though I guess she would… Two, they’d smell me a mile away. It’s not in the agreement. I can only go there for drop-offs and pick-ups: and honestly, that’s fine. Everything stinks in that place except her. Anyway. Look, that’s not what you’re here for. Thanks for listening, though” – he gave her a small smile – “I appreciate it. Let’s keep this between us, ok?” It didn’t sound like a question. “The point is, just enjoy being with Rae while you can. Don’t overthink it too much.”All of a sudden Leah felt like the luckiest bitch on the planet, especially sitting next to this clusterfuck. Maybe imprinting on a woman wasn’t the worst thing that could happen. After all, she was seeing Rae tomorrow and likely would be able to spend almost a month with her, there was so much she wanted to show her, like the cabin, La Push, so much more to talk about, to learn about her…“Leah?”“Hmm?” She snapped back to reality.“Do you think you’ll be able to go home and sleep now?” His voice was tired. He had shoved the pain back down. She realized, with a shock, that he probably did that a lot. He looked so… alone.She lied smoothly. “Jake – not really, I’m sorry. It just happened today, I’m still a bit inside out. Can I crash with you? I need someone near and you give really great hugs. For real.”He nodded reluctantly.She took his hand and led him upstairs. He dropped into his bed – too short for him, someone really should get him a bigger one, she thought – and she snuggled against him. He wrapped his arms around her and was asleep in less than a minute.Fifteen minutes later, Leah was lying in a puddle of sweat: she gently slipped out of Jacob’s arms, careful not to wake him. Cuddling didn’t seem to be in the cards for two people who both ran at 108 degrees. Maybe this is why there haven’t been female wolves before, she mused. Staying a few feet from him was tolerable, though. Maybe even nice, though her back was pressed awkwardly to the wall. She stroked his damp hair, heartbroken for him, and watched him settle deeper into sleep, saw the tension lifting from his jaw. Barely 20 years old, she calculated in her head; but he’s carrying so much. It’s not fair. She drifted off slowly in turn.