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Well, it was that time again. Late actually, as he tended to be; try as he might. He and Todd had taken to “brunch” as he so often called it; one Saturday out of the month, but it was more like brinner really. They’d hole up in a faded booth at that one rinky dink diner that never closed and fill each other in on the latest going ons, pancakes stacked between them and whatever new thing Todd would try everytime. He didn’t know when it had become a plan, a habit; but he often found himself looking forward to it.
In the passing years Todd had made something of a name for himself; a master of rock operas, he had revitalized the dying scene. Bojack had been there from the start; of course. He felt, somehow, that it was a means of paying penance for all the years of patronizing and belittlement he had put Todd through. Todd had been his best friend through it all, though he had loathed to admit to it at the time.
Time changed things; but not this. In some ways it felt like being transported back in time, back to when things were simpler and oh so complicated. It felt like he could almost forget all his transgressions one moment and be consumed by them the next. Sometimes it made him want to run again, sprint out the door and go as far as he could until Hollywoob was but a distant memory. Instead he would turn to Todd, a smile plucking at his lip, almost painfully, and ask how he felt about another round of pancakes. Todd would groan, hand over his waistline, but he would smile back anyways and agree.
-/////-
As the years passed, Bojack found himself leaner but never meaner. He had found a little piece of solace in the odd morning run with Princess Carolyn and her husband-business partner, Judah. She would gab on about the latest gossip in the bus’, and Judah would chime in along. He seemed to know all the juiciest pieces of information, from years of fading into the background. Bojack could almost see a smile pluck up on his face each time, though anyone who didn’t know him might mistake it for a grimace or completely devoid of any human emotion.
He still wasn’t the funniest guy in a room inhabited by only himself, but Bojack had grown to like him in recent years. He was good to Princess Carolyn, doting even, and it filled Bojack with just a little bit of relief and something like joy. She deserved, after all these years. She had finally gotten everything she’d ever dreamed of; even with the last bit of jealousy and self loathing he had left in his heart he couldn’t help but be happy for her.
-/////-
It had certainly felt like an ending that night; in spite the joyous new beginnings going on just below their feet; and in some ways it was.
They left the roof that night, a deafen quiet spilt between them that pushed them further and further away- out to sea. She’d waved back at him, an awkward flick of the wrist, drawing her hand back close to her chest as she disappeared into the crowd. It was the last time he would see her, a half decade passing them by- though he hadn’t known it yet. He would go back to prison the next day, their conversation still ringing in his ears.
But life had always had a way of throwing curve balls at him. It’d been something he’d feared, for far too long; but he slowly found himself leaning into each one. And this- well this had been no exception.
She kept him a distance, and he knew reasonably, rightfully so. After everything they knew, the truth they’d lived; it simmered down to a mutual following and the occasional comment and like. It was enough. More than enough.
It had to be.
-/////-
He hadn’t heard from Hollyhock since the night he got her letter. Sometimes he found himself on the edge, fingers itching to search her up; check in. He could feel the guilt, the sick and bile rising up in his throat threatening to empty his guts.
It’s those days he found himself in the company of Mr. PeanutButter, a shoulder to lean on if nothing else, and though he loathed to admit it even now- it was good, to have someone even if that came in the form of an annoyingly peppy, oblivious yellow lab. They’d come to something of a mutual understanding in the passing years. Almost friends, but more so comfortable occasional roommates. Bojack had moved out somewhere in his first year out of prison, but somehow always found himself back on Mr. PeanutButter’s doorstep with a new nonsensical reason for being there. But deep down, he knew the real reason; and for all Mr. PeanutButter knew (which wasn’t very much) he thought that maybe Mr. PeanutButter knew too. And for once he’d felt that maybe it was okay- for someone to know the truth.
-/////-
The hardest relationship Bojack struggled to maintain over the years was with with himself. Everyday he felt himself get a little older, looked into the mirror where his wrinkles seemed to grow- but then again so did his smile lines. He was trimmer than he’d been in years, and he felt something he couldn’t fathom. Happiness? Or contentment, maybe. For once in the entirety of his miserable life he could reasonably say he had something to live for. It wasn’t so miserable anymore, at least he didn’t think so.
Good friends, a tastefully decorated home to call his own (thank you princess carolyn), and a retired career that had led him into teaching again. Just an acting class on the weekends, nothing too fancy, but it was his.
When he looked back, just ten years ago, it was almost as if he were looking at another person; one far too familiar for his own liking. But if there was one thing he was sure of- he would never be that person again. He couldn’t be. Always brought back to that night at the wedding; Todd’s throwaway line that hadn’t really meant much at the time but had stuck with him all these years.
“Do the hokey pokey and turn yourself around- you turn yourself around. That’s what it’s all about.”
That’s what it’s all about.