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They have talked about Jensen’s risky line of work many times. At first Jared panicked, then, slowly, got used to the thought. He knows that Jensen loves his job and is good at it. His boss trusts him, his colleagues lean on him. The people he has saved send him Christmas cards where they thank him and say he’s a hero and thanks to him their family is whole. Who is Jared to tell his husband to leave the world he embraces with all of his heart? Still, striding towards the hospital’s main doors — nervously fiddling his cell phone, the one that brought him the devastating news, in his hands and turning his head around fervently, trying to find the right sign to guide him to his husband’s side — the adult-like, sensible thoughts have left his mind and the only thing that’s going around his head in loops is why he and Jensen didn’t meet at Jared’s workplace instead of a bar right opposite the fire station. After five and half hours of wearing out a trail onto the floor of Burn ICU’s family waiting room he stands at the narrow hall, looking in from the window that opens to a room his husband is laying on a bed. There is only emptiness in his mind as he looks and looks at one of the most familiar sights of his life and struggles to recognize what he sees. Jensen's — they say it’s Jensen and why would he doubt it — body is covered with white gauzes, and the parts that are not are swollen, blistered and fiery red. Jared doesn't want to look, to see, and still his eyes are roaming up and down his husband's broken body, making his own chest feel more shrunk, more like concrete on every single breath. Under the horrifically changed surface, he starts to catch some familiarities. Jensen’s high cheekbones. His cute nose. His prominent chin.That’s the lowest he can see. The gauzes covering Jen’s body start from just under his jaws, the wraps going towards his chest and disappearing soon under the baby blue sheet and another, silvery wrapping. The image reminisces Jared of a mummy, and it doesn't in the least soothe the sorrow and panic he feels tightening his chest.He forces his eyes back upwards, the places he can recognize his husband from. He stops abruptly on Jensen's head, seeing something horrible but unable to gauge what it is.-What, what's that? He stutters, finding no words at all at the things that protrude straight out from Jen’s scalp. -His, his head…? The nurse, standing beside him, touches him softly on his arm, grounding him. -We're monitoring his intracranial pressure, she explains, waving towards two metal rods that are sticking out from Jensen’s head, another almost at the top of his head attached to a wire and the other a little towards the front with a tube attached to its end. -There is a probe in the back that calculates the pressure, and the one behind it is a catheter used to drain the excess fluid between your husband’s skull and his brain tissue should the pressure increase. She stops to look at Jared with a concern in her eyes, clearly pondering if she has said more than enough by now. -I’m sure the doctor told you your husband had a seizure in an ambulance on the way here? She settles in asking gingerly. Jared flinches, swallows. The doctor has met him briefly, a man with black, tousled hair and strikingly blue eyes, strange tilt of the head and thoughtful frown between his brows. Jared ponders if it's good or a bad sign that he remembers his husband's doctor this detailed by appearance but nothing of the words he spoke of Jensen’s condition. Everything after “he's critical, but alive” went straight past Jared's ears.-Y-yes, he did, Jared says anyway. He has a vague image in his mind that Jensen was conscious when he was loaded to the ambulance, but during the seizure he lost it and didn’t wake up again.As it seems to be the case still. -We don't know the reason for it though, the nurse keeps on softly. -You can ask dr. Novak about it a little later. The CT’s will be taken as soon as Mr. Ackles is stable enough to be moved. He will be monitored closely meanwhile. Jared swallows thickly, his eyes jumping all over his husband’s cruelly changed body. He can’t dwell on the stick on Jen’s brain or its indications any longer. -Why… a space sheet? He asks next, concentrating on the silver gray, wrinkled blanket securely tucked around Jensen, like he was a popsicle inside its wraps. -Hasn’t his body… been more like o-overheated? The thought makes him nauseous. -At first, yes, the nurse answers, without a hitch. She must have gone through this discussion a million times before. What a job, Jared thinks bitterly. -But soon after the burn trauma, things change. Skin, Mr. Padalecki —-Please, call me Jared. -Jared. The nurse smiles at him. -The skin is our bodies’ biggest organ, one of its main tasks to take care of regulating our body heat. When a trauma like a burn happens, the skin loses its ability to do that, and the patient becomes vulnerable to the changes of surrounding temperatures. Mr. Ackles came to us considerably hypothermic. But the sheet you see, heating pads under it and warmed IV fluids are working, and he’s coming out of it. His core temperature is continuously checked to be sure, and it has come up several degrees by now. The nurse glances subtly at the small thing on the bedside table, not much else but a screen with some buttons under it, and Jared sees that there's a wire going from the device towards Jensen’s bed, disappearing under the sheet somewhere disturbingly close to Jensen’s hip. Jared’s eyes go wide at the notion. -Are you telling me that he —He kind of doesn’t get the right words out, but the nurse follows his gaze and seems to know his thoughts anyway. -The core temperature is taken from the rectum, yes, she says calmly, like it was a completely everyday thing. For a nurse, it probably is, Jared thinks distractedly.-Your husband is totally comfortable, I assure you, the nurse keeps on. -The probes of the rectal thermometers we use here are made of soft plastic, kind of silicone but a little more firm for easier introduction. They don’t disturb or irritate the patient at all. At this point, we need to know even the slightest of changes in his temperature, and the probe of this kind is the most accurate. Later on, when it’s not all about the tens of a degree, we’ll change to other, less invasive means. Jared nods, numbly, not knowing if he really wanted to know. There is one thing though he really does need to know, right about now. He glances at the nurse with a distressed frown. -Can I go to him? He asks, his voice raspy and hoarse. -Can… Can I touch him? The nurse smiles gently. -You can, with suitable protective clothing, she says. -Come with me. The nurse opens a cabinet on the corner of the hall, taking out several vacuum-emptied plastic bags with folded fabrics inside them. Something in the packages reminds Jared of a sci-fi movie, and he scolds himself quickly for thinking of something so ridiculous in a moment like this. There is absolutely nothing amusing in a situation like this.-We need to take close care of the antiseptic environment when approaching patients like your husband, she explains to Jared. -Burn injuries make the human body prone to infections. Mr. Ackles’ body is fighting with all its got to heal itself, even without any added threats like viruses and bacteria from outside his own body. Jared feels grateful that the nurse concentrates on making the clothes ready. Suddenly, as he sees her opening the backs with gentle fingers, he understand that this is really happening. He gnaws his lip, trying his all to not to crumble in a heap on the floor. This is horrible, like some science fiction horror movie, and his dear husband, strong and gentle and goofy and wise Jen is in there, in the middle of it all, going through nightmarish sortiment of injuries, and all Jared would love to do is to run to him and take him out of this hideous place. The plan doesn’t include all the details of exactly how Jen will get better though.-Jared? The nurse then calls, gently, and he startles back to the here and now. -Are you ready to go in? Jared nods, sure that his voice won’t carry, and the nurse starts to help and instruct him with dressing up to the protective gear. At first, they put the masks on. Then they wash their hands and arms with soap and hot water, like the surgeons in tv dramas. When they have gloves on their hands, they help each other with gowns, caps and shoe covers, and as the last thing they change their gloves to the fresh ones.-Now he’s as safe to meet us as he can be, the nurse says and opens the door. -After you. Jared complies with shaky legs, stopping as far from the bed as he can while the nurse walks in with a natural but soft gait, greeting her patient softly and going around the bed to see the monitors. The room is clearly warmer than the hall they just came from, and Jared closes the door quickly after him, not wanting Jensen to feel cold. -His wrists are the most unaffected, the nurse explains to Jared, peeling Jen’s hand gingerly from its space sheet wrap and showing a little spot where there actually is a sliver of Jensen's skin visible. It’s red, swollen and irritated looking, but it’s skin. -In that area there are solely first and second degree burns, which will heal by themselves and with a light antibiotic cream, the nurse says. -You may settle your fingers there and hold it gently. I’m sorry, it’s not quite holding hands, but I hope it’s close enough. Jared sighs shakily, taking the steps to approach the bed and touches his husband's wrist as gingerly as he can. He holds his breath as he curls his fingers carefully around Jensen’s wrist and settles both their hands on the bedding.-Can… Can he feel this? Jared whispers, almost choking. The nurse hums reassuringly. -Your husband is currently under very strong sedatives and painkillers to make him comfortable and prevent his body from going into a shock, she explains. -You can't hurt him, Jared. He might hear you though. Feel free to speak to him. Jared lets out a shuddering breath, feeling a burn of tears under his eyelids. The nurse moves to the other side of Jensen’s bed, doing something with his wires and writing down the numbers from his monitor. -I’ll give you two some privacy, she says after a while. -You may stay here for fifteen minutes for starters, then I’ll come to fetch you to give your husband some rest in silence. Do you have any questions now? Do you feel alright to stay here? I’ll be only one button push away. Jared shakes his head and then nods numbly, and the nurse shows him the red button on a wall panel and leaves, her soft sneakers making almost no sound against the linoleum of the floor. Jared sighs and settles to the chair right beside the hospital bed, meticulously taking care that his touch doesn’t move from Jensen’s wrist. He feels the quick and shallow pulse under his fingertips, the only proof his husband is alive as there is currently a machine breathing for him. His lungs are fighting, the doctor has said, so the ventilator helps him and makes the oxygen flow even to not aggravate the injuries inside his trachea and lungs. Jared feels the tears, finally filling his eyes. The knowledge of all Jensen’s injuries overwhelms him, makes him feel like drowning. -Jen, he whispers brokenly, moving his fingertip gingerly left and right along his husband’s wrist, careful to not to touch the gauzed part of the skin. Suddenly, he is all here, his earlier ping-ponging thoughts almost painfully clear and wired. -I love you so much. Please, fight. I’m nothing without you. He lowers his head and lets the tears come. —The ICU waiting room is already familiar to Jared.He has been there five times now, giving Jensen forty-five minutes of solitude after every fifteen minutes with Jared, and he feels like his heart is ripped out from his chest every time he is escorted away from his husband. It’s torture, prolonged and ruthless, and it doesn’t help that Jared tries to remember the nurse’s words that this is all for Jen’s good, that his husband is currently very weak and struggling and needs all the rest he could have. Isn’t it with me how he would find the strength to struggle, Jared wants to ask. Is our love something that Jensen needs to be protected against?Inside the reasonable part of his brain, he knows it’s not like that. But his emotions are so exposed and raw, all over the place, that he just can’t really believe it. He opens the door to the waiting room and peels the plastic cap from his head, disposing it to a trash can, and then he sees it. Tom is sitting at the end of a line of wobbly plastic chairs, still in his fire gear, ash and soot and all. His head is lowered in his hands, and his shoulders shake inaudibly. No. Jared stops right at his tracks, blinking at the sight, frozen horror filling him from head to toe. I don’t want to know. Nothing moves for a while, and then there are heavy thuds of fireman’s boots behind Jared, and a calloused hand lands on Jared’s shoulder. No, Jared screams without a voice, without a flinch on his face, begging for any entity in this universe to hear him and stop the time, reverse what is it that's coming to be said during the very next minutes. Jared's eyes are stopped on Tom who’s burly, stone-like body is now wrapped into a gentle hug of a lady. Lindsey, one of the first responders. -Jared, he hears a low voice and he has to turn and look at the empathetic, brown eyes. Jeffrey, Jensen’s chief. And Tom’s and Lindsey’s. And Steve’s. Jared swallows, tears welling on his eyes. He knows already. -Steve passed away half an hour ago, Jared, Jeffrey says softly, his voice raspy, slightly breaking. -He made it this far, but his injuries were too severe. He did not come to, and he was kept resting and comfortable all through it. Cynthia and the children are staying with him. Jared’s eyes fly to Tom and Lindsey. Neither of them seems to notice him. He opens his mouth but nothing comes out. Steve was there with Jen. He was Jen's working buddy, the one who got back in to fetch Jen, Jared was told on the phone right when it all happened. They were found side by side from the basement stairs of the building. The lucky part of it was that the staircase was made of concrete, not wood, and held its own until the two firefighters were found and rescued. If Steve got the injuries he couldn’t survive, then how Jen ever —Jeffrey pats and squeezes Jared’s shoulder.-You concentrate on your husband now, Jared, he says soothingly. -Think about Jensen. The chief’s eyes are serious but warm. -We all rejoice that he's alive.Jared isn’t sure if he’s imagining things but it’s like Jeffrey is emphasizing the last words. He’s alive. Alive. Jen is alive. Jared inhales slowly. -Thank you. Finally Jared’s words find his brain, flopping out of his mouth like dead fish. He stays frozen in his place though, all numb, until Jeffrey nudges him towards the chair.-Wanna sit with us for a while?Jared looks at Tom, still in Lindsey’s arms. And there is Jeffrey, so Tom is well taken care of. Instead, Jen is all alone in his ICU room —He shakes his head minutely. -Thanks, Jeffrey. I need to go… go back. To, to Jen. His voice is raspy, unnoticeable. Jeffrey nods, understanding. -Is there someone you could call? he asks. -Or anyone I could call for you? I know Jensen’s family is far, and you shouldn’t be alone in a time like this. -Thank you, I’ll… I’ll call my family. The thought brings tears to Jared’s eyes. His closest family is unreachable right now, laying on a bed and having a machine breathing for him to stay alive. Jeffrey nods and touches Jared’s arm, pats it. -Alright, he says. -Just let me know if there’s anything I can do for you. He glances over his shoulder. -Over there is a much more comfortable waiting room for the families. Cy told me it’s quite nice. You’ll have coffee and something to eat. Go there, and then go to Jen. Jared thanks the older man once again and goes, seeing a lady with two teenagers entering the room right when the door closes after him. I should go back, pay her my condolences, he thinks, but the closed door separates him from the room and the people in it like an icy wall. —Jared sits at the chair that has become almost an extension of him during the last days. He lets his eyes wander along his husband’s beautiful, blank face. Jen’s brows are burnt away, his lips are teared and blistered. The purple and red splotches all around his face are covered with white, thick ointment that turns transparent and shiny on the edges. His mouth hangs open, all slack, and inside of it goes the tube, secured in place with thin strips of gauze. Jared closes his eyes as they reach the eschar-something incisions going down the both sides of Jen’s neck. The one look at them earlier was more than enough. He turns his head decisively lower, and as he opens his eyes again, he sees the wires going to Jen’s heart monitor snake over his unmoving, gauzed arms, disappearing somewhere under the space sheet and blanket. Jen’s fingers are bandaged thickly, one by one, making his hands look like the ones of a Michelin man. Jared simultaneously grimaces and chuckles at the insanity of the image. Jensen’s nurse, a petite, beautiful redhead called Danneel Jensen would be head over heels with if he was into women — and if he was conscious, of course — has told earlier that while Jen’s hands might need some serious work and several surgeries to become usable again, Jen’s face is the one part of his body that will most probably heal back to normal.Somehow, that feels relieving, to have at least some part of Jensen back as it was. Jared tries not to think about all the other injuries Jensen has sustained and will live with for the rest of his days, tries to cling onto that one, tiny piece of good news. -Mr. Ackles?The nurse’s voice is soft and low, and still it makes Jared jump a little. He has been like that since Jensen was brought here. Jumpy, nervous, concerned. He can’t find it in himself to relax the slightest. Not when Jensen is like this. -I’m sorry, Jared. Didn’t mean to startle you.Danneel smiles a little as she walks into the cubicle, entering the private planet Jensen and Jared have been cast into, circling and circling in outer space, out of reach to anyone. -It's fine. Jared glances at the nurse, going quickly back to watch his husband, like Jensen would disappear if he was not watched so closely. Jensen is breathing easier — his oxygen saturation has come near to 90, which is good according to his doctor. Yesterday dr. Novak even flashed a possibility of starting to lighten the settings of Jen’s ventilator which had been on a full blow since he was brought here in the ICU.-His production of urine has got better, Danneel tells Jared softly, putting the bag with pale yellow liquid down to hang from the hook on Jensen’s bed edge and writes something down. She’s always writing something down, after every single thing she does with Jensen, Jared has noticed. Jensen is so meticulously followed here, every single thing his body extracts or does is scribbled onto notes. -Jensen’s getting better, Jared. His body is starting to recover. Jared blinks. -You can see that from his urine? he asks incredulously. -Yes, among other things, Danneel says, changing her gloves and moving forward. -Our body is 70 % water. When Jensen wasn’t producing urine properly, that meant he was severely dehydrated. His body was using all the hydration we got into him to survive. Because of that, many of his organs were at a serious risk of failure. His urine production starting to normalize indicates his system to get better.-Huh. Jared sighs, shaking his head. -This is all so…-Overwhelming? Danneel nods empathetically. -The burn injuries are very comprehensive. We see only what happens on his skin, but every part of his body is struggling to overcome the consequences. That’s why Jensen is here in the ICU, Jared. Here we can do our best to help him with his struggle, to keep his body, and later also his mind, from getting overwhelmed by the strain. Jared nods, turning to look at the unmoving figure on the hospital bed. -Thank you, he says softly. -I’m just doing my job. Danneel puts the chart and her pen away, pushing the wayward lock of her hair back under her cap. -It’s a thank you enough for me when he is removed further from here when his recovery proceeds. When. Jared hides the suddenly appeared tears from the woman by turning his head towards his husband and rubbing his wrist. It’s started to heal minutely by now, allowing Jared to touch it a little more properly earlier. -I’ll start counting your twenty five minutes in peace with him from here, Danneel says and leaves silently. Jared softly fondles the wrist he holds in his hand like a brittle treasure. -Did you hear that, Jen? he whispers. -I knew you are a fighter, babe. Just keep on. I will be right here with you.
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
The fire is roaring all around them. Jared stands in the middle of it, looking frantically around. He came here to look for Jensen, they just called him that Jensen is here, saved from the smoking building.Where is he? There are running people, crying and dragging themselves forward, ash and soot on their faces, their eyes red from tears and hair black from burning. He sees so much faces, but there’s no Jen anywhere.He wants to run, to get out from the open. The wind is rising, Jen always says that wind is a bitch for a firefighter. The pillar of smoke is turning Jared’s way. He takes a step, or attempts to - his feet are like glued on the ground. He looks down, sees that his legs are burned, his firefighter gear boots melted on the ground. He tries to wiggle his toes, not feeling a thing.I’m not a firefighter, he suddenly thinks. What am I doing here?Suddenly, there’s a shrill, a wailing voice that goes through the air, like from loudspeaker, and he freezes as he notices the voice.
Jared! Jared!! JARED!!!
Jensen’s face swim beside his eyes, Jen is all black in the face, his lips in an agonized grimace. Jared, please help me… Please, don’t leave me here… JARED!!!—Jared jerks up, hitting his head on something in the process. He hisses, blinks and turns around feverishly, looking for his husband. It takes several minutes for him to realize where he is, the strong smell of disinfectant and a beep, beep, beep of the machine right behind him the first clue of that.Hospital. ICU. Jensen hurt. The thoughts reach his consciousness, one by one weaving a net on the surface of his cognition.He lifts his head, his eyes shooting at his husband right before him, then the monitors that keep beeping their even rhythm. Yes, the hospital. Day… six? He closes his eyes for a second, almost running his palm over his face before he abruptly remembers. No touching with the gloved hands, except the healthy parts of Jen’s skin. The mask itches the side of his nose, being crumbled against his own skin as he has fallen asleep at some point he can’t remember. His hair feel uncomfortably sweaty under the cap, his scalp itchy as well.He feels confused for a time, trying to gauge all that has happened. Jen is still under the sedation, the ventilator feeding him air and drawing it back, his chest shrinking and expanding superficially. His heart is monitored as well, and there is some medicine Jen has continually to keep his pump ticking.There has been some progress though. At first, Jared was not allowed to stay by his husband’s side for more than moments at a time, because his heart was wreaking some havoc, causing ongoing palpitations and occasionally even some arrhythmia. It was horrible for a couple of days, to just sit there and hear Jen’s monitors going wild all suddenly, again and again. It happened so often that finally Jared knew to stand up and move away from Jen’s bed to grant the space for doctors and nurses to come and help.It killed him inside every time though, and the memory of it still makes his heart bound and a lump form on his throat. He stops to listen to the beep, nice and even now, drawing the reassurance from the metallic sound.-Jared? Danneel walks softly into Jen’s cubicle and stops a little further from the bed, allowing Jared some time to notice her.-Just came to check that everything’s alright before the report and a change of shift. Melissa will take care of Jensen during the night.The nurse comes in at Jared’s nod, starting to calmly but deftly do her things with Jen’s monitors, wires, urine bag and stuff. Jared follows her until she’s crouching beside Jen’s hips, and then he averts his gaze. That’s private. Even though Jen doesn’t know a thing at the moment, even though there’s not a single part in Jensen’s body Jared’s not familiar with, Jared doesn’t want to violate his husband’s privacy. Not when Jen’s not cognizant and giving him his consent.There’s not much to see in the cubicle outside the bed and equipment, so Jared lifts his gaze towards the window. Here, the patient’s cubicles are arranged so that there’s a straight view out from the half of them. Jen is situated on the window side of the unit, and right now Jared feels grateful for it, although this is the first time he really notices the lights and sky outside the pane. Somewhere over there is the world. Going on with its motions, day in and day out. That feels so surreal, too otherworldly to even start to grasp.Danneel’s gentle clearing of the throat brings Jared back to the present.-Your husband is all good and comfortable now, she says softly. -Melissa will take good care of him for the night, and I will come back in the morning.Jared nods, a thought of leaving not even crossing his mind. Danneel stops and looks at him. -I think you should go and sleep as well, she proposes gingerly. -I mean, properly sleep. Not dozing on a hospital chair.-But I —-You need to keep your strength to be able to help Jensen, Jared, Danneel says gently. -It will be a long road from here, and you must take care of yourself as well. I know it feels remote or bad to even think of leaving him. But you will be leaving him in good hands, I promise.Jared lowers his eyes, suddenly unable to hold the soft sobs coming out like a tide that’s rushing over the over-filled dam. They have been building inside him for days already, and he just can’t seem to keep them in anymore.Danneel pads to him softly and lifts her hand to palm his back comfortingly. -Your presence and support means everything for your husband right now, she whispers. -Don’t take it away from him by running yourself onto the ground.-What… What should I do then? Jared asks, asphyxiated, gulping the air needily in between the sobs that seems to go on and on.-You should go home, Danneel says gently, -have something to eat. I recommend something proper, warm. There’s a Burger King, Pizza Hut and some Chinese not far from the main doors. You just pass through the parking lot and cross the park, there’s a mall.Jared nods unsurely, closes his eyes and leans onto his palms for a moment to calm himself down. Finally, when he feels somewhat gathered, he looks at Jen and stands up. Danneel smiles and hands him a pile of napkins, and he wipes his eyes hastily.-He will be taken care of to the best of our abilities, Danneel promises. -You can come back first thing in the morning, and we have your phone number as well should there be any need to call. You can call just to ask about him also if you feel the concern becomes overwhelming.The steps Jared takes out of the Burns ICU are for sure the hardest ones of his life. Still, when he gets out of the building, it somehow feels good, to scent the cool late evening air, hear the hum of the traffic instead of the machines, to see the last rays of sun on the horizon.He takes the cab — usually he doesn’t waste money on something like that, but now he just wants to get back home as soon as possible. From the cab, he phones to a Tex-Mex place near their home where he and Jensen never order takeout together.He’s already on the bed, closing his eyes, when he suddenly remembers that he needs to call to his work and update them on what’s going on.—Jared has to admit that Danneel spoke wisely yesterday. He really does feel more alive after some hours shut-eye, although he wouldn’t call it exactly restful. He was wide awake already at 5am, and when he just couldn’t stretch his patience any longer, he found himself sitting in a cab at 8.05am. It is the worst rush hour, all the people getting to work at the same time, and Jared sits on the cab’s backseat, keeping his eyes closed and trying to close his ears from the noise as well.The taxi driver is a chatty guy - the way Jared would have enjoyed in an ordinary day, but today the flow of cheerful babbling about the weather and the baseball results and the guy’s grandchildren and whatever just feels too much. Jared closes his eyes, too tired to think of a polite way to say no thanks. The nightmare of Jensen, calling for him to help in agony, seems to retreat a bit in the warm and bright sunlight.The driver seems to notice something, the jazz on the radio growing silent, and they ride the last of the way in silence.-All the best for you, the driver says softly as he gives Jared his credit card back.The empathy is like a distant burst of light far away above the stormy sea - seeing it warms a little, but soon it drowns in the black waves. Jared notes the gesture with a slight smile, the movement hurting his cheeks, and turns toward the double doors going in.The hospital lobby isn’t especially crowded, and Jared scurries through to the elevators and is quickly on his way towards BICU at the eighth floor of the vast hospital. He pockets his wallet on a run, rushes inside the elevator and gnaws his lip impatiently as the car crawls upwards. The car is half empty, all the people standing in their own little universes, eyes hollow and lips dry and bloody from gnawing. A party no-one wanted to attend, Jared thinks bitterly.Up there, he presses the doorbell, upset by every little hindrance keeping him away from his husband. There is a strictly organized buzz of nurses and some other personnel on the hallway, carts of bedding and boxes being undone, and no-one seems to notice Jared on the other side of the sliding doors. He leans on the door with his arm, pushing the bell again, trying to tell himself that everyone in there has their job to do. Still, the waiting feels excruciating.Finally, after the third call, a young care aide with a mop in her hand comes to let him in.-I’m sorry, she smiles at Jared politely. -The morning routines are in full swing. Your name and your loved one’s name, please?-Jared Padalecki Ackles, Jared says hastily. -And Jensen Ackles. Room 3. At least yesterday he was there.The aide nods. -Welcome. Please go to the reception, they will tell you when you can go in. Do you need help with protective clothing?-Thanks, I’m fine with it.The aide nods and takes her mop to the next room, and Jared scurries to the reception. From there on it’s quicker, and soon Jared stands outside Jen’s room. He’s not allowed to go in as there is a mass of people attending to Jen — changing his bandages, cleaning his wounds, checking his monitors and IV’s. The PT has already visited or is coming shortly after.All Jen’s treatments are scheduled after another so that Jen can rest between them before the next round. Jen is still sedated and shouldn’t feel a thing, but the treatments are still an enormous strain on him, as Jared has read from the internet. He knows he shouldn’t do that, knows that only the worst stories make their way over there, but he has to use the time he’s being kept away from Jen somehow.The things he has found in the internet are ambivalent. On the other hand, there are masses of information, support and tips for loved ones after a burn injury, blogs and YouTube channels following the road to recovery and medical sites that seem a good source of information seeking. But some, especially photos that seem to pop up out of nowhere without any warning, make Jared want to rip his brain into shreds. He isn’t squeamish by nature, not especially, but thinking of those images connected to Jensen - it simply feels too much.Jared stands on the ICU door, nervously changing feet, when finally there is a young nurse’s smiling face in front of him.-You may go in, Mr. Padalecki Ackles, she says. -Your husband is ready and comfortable.Jared nods and smiles his thanks, already on the protective gear he got on while waiting. Finally, there’s Jen. Still unmoving on his bed, in a slightly different position, eyes closed and ventilator breathing for him, but it’s Jen. Alive, just like Jeffrey reminded Jared the other day. On his way to get better.Jared waits until the last one of the nurses closes the door behind her before he takes his fingertips to Jen’s wrist.-Hi, baby, he says through a swell on his throat. -I’m back. Danneel — the redhead nurse — forced me to take a break, otherwise I wouldn’t have gone. But I’m back now, okay? It’s so silent at home when you’re not there, Jen. You and your classic rock.He sits by Jen like that, taking in his features, his injuries that still are horrid but now a little more familiar than earlier. Jared knows that he needs to see them, to get used to them, even learn to love them if he wants to stay with his husband. And there’s no question about it.Of course he wants to. As vehemently as on their wedding day and every single day with Jen in his life before and after that. He wasn’t joking around with those I do’s that were said and heard three and a half years ago. He’s not that kind of a guy.He’s on his second fifteen-minutes away from Jen, struggling with the coffee machine in the family waiting room that no-one else seems to use when he hears a soft cough behind his back.-Jared?He turns at the familiar voice and sees a short, grizzly-haired woman standing in front of him, clutching awkwardly a white plastic bag against her chest.Jared’s breath hitches slightly, but he forces himself to recover quickly enough. -Cy.The lady’s eyes brim with tears, and Jared steps closer, opening his arms, and the lady steps into them without a hesitation, wrapping her own arms around Jared’s waist.-I’m so sorry. It’s Cynthia who speaks first, her voice small and raspy. -We shouldn’t meet like this.Jared blinks, unsure what to say, so he squeezes the lady comfortingly for a moment. -Yeah.Cynthia steps back, taking a napkin in her pocket and patting her face dry with it.-I came to fetch Stevie’s stuff, she says chokingly, waving the plastic back awkwardly in her hand. -It's not much…but it’s something.She inhales slowly, looking at Jared with her pooling eyes. -Jared, I… I’d like to invite you to Steve’s celebration of life, she says softly. -You and Jensen both would be invited of course, but —-I know what you mean, Jared says hastily. -Thank you, Cy. I appreciate it. And I know J-jen would too.They stand like that, looking at each other with sad smiles on their faces, and then Cynthia chuckles and shakes her head, taking a step out of Jared's arms.-I need to go, she whispers. -Take care, okay, Jared?Her small hand brushes Jared’s arm, and then she’s gone. Jared sighs, runs his hands over his face and sits on the couch. It feels like the lady’s last words are left hanging in the air of a silent room.—The funeral home is a beautiful, wooden house on the edge of a small park with oak trees and squirrels. It's strange how the squirrels are always there when people are dead, Jared thinks tiredly. In graveyards, memorial parks. Also, apparently, in funeral home gardens.He has parked his and Jensen's SUV — Jen's choice, a spacious, safe car — a little further and takes the road to the house by foot. Jensen. He smiles as he thinks of his dear husband. He was in the ICU today with Jensen the whole morning when Danneel did the morning routines, and the nurse had to practically coax him away from his love. Jen's vitals were improving further, some harmful enzymes in his blood and urine were continuing to decrease which is a real good thing, and his body temperature was approaching normal. He would be okay for a while, Danneel has promised.As he enters the front yard from the ornamented, white metal gate, passing several fire trucks parked on the sideway, he sees the double doors into the house open and the hallway full of bouquets of flowers. White lilies, as always, but also other kinds like roses and — well, Jared's not so into flowers, so he can't name them all, but there is an ocean of them anyway, in all different shapes and colors.Steve must have been widely loved. Jared finds himself remembering the nice looking guy with an open smile and capability to meet people with interest and respect. He remembers the barbeque he and Jen once threw up in their home garden, a little party for Jensen's squad, a small occasion to celebrate the end of summer and for Jared to meet the guys Jensen always talked so much about. Steve is the one of the guests Jared remembers most vividly from that night, laughing and goofing around.Jared walks slowly towards the doors, his feet heavier by the step. A short meeting with Cynthia the other day in the hospital had Jared so sure of coming here, to come and pay respects for Jen's closest working buddy, to bring Jen's greetings and their both heartfelt thanks, but now when he's almost in he finds himself hesitating.What if he's not wanted here? What if Cynthia was just being polite? It's only natural if Steve's loved ones don't want to think about Steve's line of work on his day of funeral. What if Jared's presence only rips open the wounds, reminds everybody of the horrible injuries their husband, dad, uncle, brother, son, nephew suffered before he passed away a way ahead of his time? What if Jared is only an outsider, an unwanted addition that no-one dares to throw way even though that's what they wanted the most?A strong hand lands on Jared's shoulder, making him flinch and almost gasp, and he turns with wide eyes to see Jeff Morgan, Steve's and Jen's chief. His eyes are solemn, but sympathetic, telling without words his empathy and part-taking.-You're with us here, Jared, he says with a low voice, nodding over his shoulder where there are a couple of guys Jared doesn't recognize but who wear the firemen's mourning outfit similar as their boss but without the highest insignias.-Come, let's get in. How're you doing?Jared sighs, deciding to tell the man the truth. It’s not like he has the strength to try to act perkier anyhow.-Complicated, he whispers, the words nearly crumbling so he blinks rapidly and looks away for a moment. -Missing Jen, mostly. But it's good to be here still.Jeffrey’s hand is warm and soothing on his shoulder, and when he lifts his eyes, they meet the others, reassuring and empathetic.-I’m sure Cynthia and all of Steve’s family value it highly that you got to come. We all know it must be so hard for you right now.Jared nods, clenching his jaws. Enough for weeping, he thinks. -Thank you.They walk in together.
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
Crowd of people stands gathered around the door that opens to the chapel. The bunch of firefighters in their mourning outfits, marching in as one, raise some attention, but luckily, none of the funeral guests approach them. Jared walks with Jeffrey to the benches, Jensen's boss a supporting shadow right beside him.The relief washes over Jared like a wave, allowing him to breathe again and ease the tightness on his chest when he sits down and takes the psalms book in his hands. Its leather covers between his fingers is a familiar feeling somewhere from his early childhood, him sitting between grandma and grandpa on a bench and leafing through the thin pages with a child’s interest.The first booming sounds of the organ make him flinch again, and he collides both Jeffrey and the fireman on the other side of him as he scrambles up. Jeffrey takes his elbow discreetly, helping him on his feet as the whole audience stands to pay their respects for the deceased, and the other fireman looks at him with a kind smile.-Doing good, man, he whispers. -Just follow our lead.Jared only nods, grateful but numb. His eyes glue to the coffin at the front of the chapel. It’s Steve in there, and it's in a roll of the dice that Jensen… The tears, first of many, fill Jared’s eyes and make his vision blurry and wet.Steve’s coffin is covered with the Stars and Stripes, and the ceremony starts with The Star-Spangled Banner. The whole ceremony is full military, every single detail carefully planned and meticulously executed. Pallbearers, bagpipes, Last Call. Jared follows it all like a well acted play, thankful for Jeffrey and the guy on the other side of him, whose lead he does follow like the guy coaxed him before.The memorial service in reception room just beside the chapel is much more free form, with food, music and memories. There is a free word, and at some point, Cynthia nods encouragingly towards Jared and then the stage. -Go, she mouths, smiling through her tears.Jared nods without thinking. How can he not, when the widow of the deceased asks him? Jeffrey leans closer as he starts to stand up awkwardly from their table. -Want some company there?-No, I’m alright, Jared murmurs, and Jeffrey nods and steps aside to give Jared space.Their table is not situated far from the stage, but still somehow the walk is long and steps up to the stage seem almost too big an obstacle. However, Jared makes it behind the lectern, and soon someone comes to adjust the mic so it’s high enough to catch his voice. He clears his throat softly, starting to speak to the door at the other side of the reception hall. He just can’t look at Cy or the other mourners, not yet, if he wants to get a sane word out.-I… thank you for inviting me, he starts softly. -I knew Steve only as my husband’s work partner, but I know he was a real good guy.He stops to inhale, to think, his fingers finding the Bible that has been left to the podium. -I… I remember Steve from this barbeque party my husband and I held for his squad. Steve was so full of life then. He was so happy, social, laughing. He was clearly a people person. And my husband trusted him with all of his heart. They would have done anything for each other, I know that.Jared hears soft sniffles from the audience and closes his eyes for a moment. A sob of his own is too close. -That’s what Steve did, and that’s why we’re here today. My husband… Jensen…He stops to breathe, a pain in his chest suddenly almost too much. He lifts his eyes, finding Jeffrey’s and clinging to them like a drowning man. The older man frowns, a question clear on his face, and then he’s on his feet, striding to the stage and stopping beside Jared, taking his supportive arm around Jared’s shoulders.-You’re doing good, he whispers. -Want me to help, say thanks on behalf of Jensen and you?Jared leans on the older man, taking the support his closeness provides, and shakes his head. -I can do it, he murmurs.Jeffrey’s hand squeezes his shoulder softly. -Alright, take your time, he soothes. -I’m staying here with you, alright?Jared nods minutely, concentrating on his breathing, the sensation of floor under his feet like some psychologist has advised him when he was younger and suffered from panic attacks at school. He vaguely hears Jeffrey explaining the situation to someone who has apparently come to ask, thanks softly, his voice all even and reassuring.-Here, some water, he hears Jeffrey’s words and sees the half full glass in front of his face. -Have a sip or two. You are safe here, Jared. We’re on your side. We all want good for you.Jared does as the older man says, and then he finally opens his eyes properly. Steve’s funeral. Jensen. Jensen would want him to speak for them both if he was conscious. Jared imagines his husband sitting by the nearest table, smiling his softest smile at Jared, full of support and pride and love.He gulps and lifts his eyes. -I’m sorry, he says softly to the mic and hears empathetic murmurs, sees people’s teary eyes looking at him with nothing but kindness. Jeffrey pats his arm softly and steps back, letting him have the spotlight but remaining close for support.-Didn’t want to draw any extra attention on me, Jared says, forcing his voice stronger. -I’m not here for myself but to honor my husband, Jensen Ackles’, and Steve’s years of friendship both on and off duty. Thanks to Steve, my husband lives.His voice quivers slightly at the mention of Jen, but he braces himself and keeps on thinking of the image of his husband, sitting there, loving and supporting. These are the words that need to be said. This is why he came here.-He’s currently in a hospital and hasn’t regained his consciousness due to the injuries he sustained in the fire, he says softly, but evenly. -Without Steve, he wouldn’t be alive right now. Steve went back to the building my husband was still in and covered him so that Jensen didn’t suffer the more severe injuries than he did. T-they were found —Jared sobs softly, blinking vehemently, and he feels Jeffrey’s hand back on his shoulder. It’s a grounding and reassuring presence, and he gets its message. It’s alright, it says. You’ve said enough now.-I’m forever grateful, he presses out, - and I know Jen is too, for Steve’s sacrifice. Thank you.The audience clapping and the walk back towards their table is a blur for Jared, he only follows Jeffrey who doesn’t take his guiding hand from Jared’s arm until they are seated again. There is next some music, then more speeches, and it all flows past Jared’s hearing as he sits at the table, feeling nothing but numbness.When the reception is over, all of their table party walks out together, Jeffrey and the other guy still flanking Jared like bodyguards. Jared appreciates the gesture, but at the same time it feels so weird, festive and solemn. Jared has learned to know the guys from Jensen’s apartment as a bunch of rascals, mostly laughing, bantering or wrestling away. This amount of seriousness is something he has never seen before, and although he knows that being in their line of work they all have to have a serious side of them it still feels out of place.The reality behind it is almost too crashing to think about.Two of them, their friends, colleagues and brothers, are gone. One for good, one at least for an unknown amount of time.The farewells are a gloomy occasion. Some words of encouragement are exchanged, pats in the back and clumsy half-hugs received. Jared takes them all as gifts. In this new verse of reality, Jensen's extended family is Jared’s as well.Jeffrey holds Jared in his hug a moment longer than the others, and Jared lets him. Jeffrey has this aura of fatherhood around him, some of his men have even nicknamed him accordingly, and in this moment, Jared accepts the support.-Want to come with us? Jeffrey asks after a manly shoulder pat. -We are going for a vent. Some talking, billiards, maybe a beer or two.-Thanks, but no. I need to go back to Jen.Jared glances at the bunch of Jensen's working buddies, waiting a little further. -I mean, I would love to but...-It's alright, we get it, Jeffrey says, taking car keys from his pocket and waving at the others. -We all do. Just do what you feel is best. Jeffrey nods towards the right. -That way, he says. -I'll take you where you want. -Hospital, Jared says without even thinking of it. Where else would he want to go?In the end, they take a route to Jared and Jensen's home first. Jared scurries through the house, collecting some stuff on a bag - pairs of socks, boxers, a teeth brush and soap. Finally, he stops for a bit to stand in front of their living room cabinets. One day when he didn't know what to speak to Jensen, Danneel suggested him take some photo albums or Jensen's favorite books from home to talk about or read for him. Nice memories will help both of you pull through, she said. Jared grabs blindly their wedding album and some holiday albums as well as J.M. Barrie's Peter Pan, a well read and loved book Jensen got for his tenth birthday. He glances at the cover, Jensen's name written on it with scrawl of a pre-teen. Inside, there is a written message in squiggly, old handwriting."For Jensen with love, Granma and Pops. Never forget how to fly."He drops the book to the bag and almost runs out of the house. —-Hi, it's Jared Padalecki Ackles. Yes, I'm calling about Jensen - how's he doing?Jeffrey shifts the gear down and turns on the blinker, glancing over his shoulder before taking the left lane. He doesn’t listen Jared speaking on a phone, in fact he actively turns his thoughts away from the one-sided conversation right beside him. Still, he can’t close out Jared’s clogged voice, his clear concern and deep sorrow, and he thinks vehemently what he could possibly say to make Jared feel even slightly better. Every thing he has in his mind feel shallow and meaningless, even untrue."Jensen is a tough guy, he will make it" - So was Steve, and still, despite of his almost two decades experience and everything in his character that made him a superb firefighter, one of the best Jeffrey has ever known, here they are."He has so much to live for" - Didn’t Steve then, with two teenage kids and a wife he had known since childhood?So, Jeffrey keeps his words to himself, trying to believe that him staying here is enough for now.-You’re good from here? Jeffrey asks when they are saying goodbyes in the hospital lobby. Jared nods, thanking the man sincerely, but Jeffrey just waves it away. This one thing he can say, and he knows by experience it's hundred percent true.-We’re family, you know, he says. -We guys in the fire department. And you are one of us, Jared. I’ll come to see Jensen later, but before that, if you need anything, don’t hesitate to call me. I mean it. -Thank you, Jeff. Jared glances at him and lets out a tiny smile. -I mean it.Then he turns and goes, a 6'4 guy, hunched and hands deep in his jacket pockets, seeming like a lost, lonely child.—On day number fourteen of Jared’s new calendar, starting from Jen’s accident, dr. Novak comes in with some news. Jared tries to gauge the quality of the upcoming message by the doctor’s demeanor, but to no vail: he’s as calm and collected as ever, comes in with a slight smile Jared hates and appreciates in turns, takes his stethoscope to listen beside, above and below the sensors around Jen’s chest, hums pondering, checks the monitors and skims the chart.Jared would like to scream by the time the doctor is ready to speak.-We can start to lighten Mr. Ackles’ sedation, the doctor explains evenly, his eye contact to Jared solid. -It will be done minutely, carefully monitoring his responses and adjusting his medication. The pain medication will be increased as his consciousness starts to come back. In a couple of days, he will probably start to react to your proximity. Keep interacting with him as you have done this far, it benefits him greatly.-Really? The words are out of Jared’s mouth before he can stop them.The doctor smiles warmly.-The most urgent surgeries are now done and the tissue has started to heal, he says. -Mr. Ackles' kidneys are also recovering, and his lungs are showing first signs of recovery. He is ready to try to breathe on his own.-On his own? Jared wants to say and ask so much more, but his throat seems to have a will of his own, letting only one word at a time through. Dr. Novak seems not perplexed for it the slightest, though.-Yes, without the current invasive method, he clears up. -Naturally, there will be breathing masks and later nasal cannulas supporting him. The doctor takes a small pause, giving Jared time to swallow the information.-Our chief plastic surgeon, Richard Roman, and his team have proceeded ttheskin craft surgeries, three in total, he explains next. -Mr. Ackles’ both hands were taken care of during his first week here, and his abdomen and sides just three days ago. The skin was taken from his own thighs and back. The transplantation of that kind has the best possible outcome prognosis.Jared turns to look at Jensen’s hands, wrapped in bandages similar than before. He tries to picture how they look with the skin from Jen’s legs covering them.-The skin transplants taken are very thin, dr. Novak continues. -The procedure is similar to scaling. Mr. Ackles’ legs are expected to recover without problems.Jared grimaces at the thought, a slightly nauseous at the image of a surgeon crouched above Jensen, scaling his thighs and abdomen like a cheese. The doctor looks a little apologizing but doesn’t say a thing.-Why is he laying this way? Jared ask, his attention wandering forward. Here, he has learned that the best way of coping with the facts is not to dwell on the gross details for too long — it is what it is, and it's helping no-one to succumb to nightmares. All this, as cruel as it seems, is helping Jensen get better.Eventually.Somehow.-Mr. Ackles’ physiotherapist has planned his positions to boost up his recovery the best way possible, the doctor explains. -Your husband's counts have improved so that he can stand some active maneuvering quite well now. In addition, the swollen parts of the body benefit from the inclined positions. It reduces swelling and that way thickness in the areas subjected.Jared has heard of PT visiting Jensen from the very start, in the mornings when Jared is at work. He hasn't thought though what kind of things could a PT do with someone as gravely injured as Jen, but so far he has politely turned down the chance to talk with Jensen's appointed PT in person. Jared trusts the hospital staff to know their line of work, and he struggles with the mass of information enough as it is.Thinking of it, there's not much Jared has grasped from Jensen's treatment this far. The doctor has told him it all, sure, but somehow Jared feels his heart and brain shutting down when the medical jargon starts to flow. It's so much easier to hear Danneel, her layman's terms and always encouraging words.It's all understandable, says Danneel, speaks to him of a shock after a significant trauma and a fear of the doctor that apparently is a real thing.Right now though, Jared puts these thoughts and feelings away. Now it’s too important a phase in Jensen’s care for Jared to have cold feet and run to the hills.-How about his pain? He asks. -You mentioned earlier that you will take care of it as he wakes up?-We’ll do our absolute best, dr. Novak assures, guessing that his patient's husband has done more than his share of internet surfing on the subject.As long as the doctor himself is concerned, everything was so much easier just a couple of decades or litle less ago when he started his career as an attending doctor, fresh from the medical school. Internet was not so big thing in people's lives that time, so it was quite easy to tell the patients' families and friendship to stay out of there, just for their own peace of mind, and ask the questions they had in mind from the hospital staff.Nowadays, with people's lives basically intertwined with the net and with the social media and all, giving that kind of advice is usually not worth of a wooden penny.-We have a wide range of alternatives here in our daily use, both medical and non-medical alternatives, te doctor assures. -Mr. Ackles will have the continuation of the mixture of opioids he’s already on, and in addition there are NSAIDs to support the opioid’s work. We also have TENS devices in our disposal, and all our PT’s are educated in respiration therapy as well as more experimental therapies, like use of virtual reality.Jared draws up hearing that. -Meaning?Only thing that comes to his mind on the subject is Jen’s nephew who is always going on and on about Baldur's Gate, which is apparently a very cool video game somewhere around the internet. Jared feels so old every time Tim does that.-Meaning video games, sensory pads and some other things I don't even know about, the doctor says, setting Jared at ease with his own lack of knowledge. -But many of our patients have found significant relief from all these means. I assure you, we take pain management here absolutely seriously. It’s one of the biggest parts of successful recovery and convalescence.—-Jen?Jared crouches towards his husband on a bed, gingerly touching a spot on his face
that has healed enough to stand a soft contact. His other thumb is fondling Jen’s wrist, slowly and gently.Jen has been on a process of undoing his sedation for three days now, and now is the first time he’s making tiny movements, his fingers twitching and brow scrunching, and even his eyes have moved a couple of times, ever so slightly, under his eyelids.-Jen, this way, Jared whispers, keeping on the gentle touch. He quells the urge to squeeze his husband’s wrist, rubbing it softly instead. -I love you so much, Jen. Please, wake up.He chuckles wetly, glancing at Danneel who looks at the monitors with a concentrated frown, not seeming to hear a word out of Jared's speech.She seems to notice Jared’s glance as she returns it, smiling reassuringly. -Keep on, she says softly. -Don’t worry about me.Jared nods, relieved, trying to do that. It takes a moment to gather his thoughts though.-I need you, Jen, he admits softly. -I know you must feel so tired. Take your time, but promise to come to me eventually, okay?The door opens softly, and there is Jensen’s doctor, Dr. Novak, coming in covered with similar protective gear Jared has on. Jared ponders for a moment if Jensen will recognise his husband at all under the robes and masks.-Good day, Mr. Padalecki, the doctor says with his low and soothing voice.He keeps on calling Jared that, and Jared doesn’t find it in him to care. It’s not that they spend so much together anyway. Besides, Jared knows that it’s dr. Novak who he has to thank for Jensen being alive and that fact alone increases his respect for the man, may he be as eccentric as he likes.The doctor comes closer at Jared’s silent hello, goes around Jensen’s bed to check his monitors and then grabs the chart, opening it and skimming through the scribbles with quick glances on the monitors in between of his reading.-Has he been reacting to you already? the doctor asks.-Yeah, he has twitched his fingers and moved his eyes, Jared says softly. His throat feels thick, his voice foreign. Somehow the presence of the doctor in the room makes it all electrify, like there was something maleficent hanging low in the air, and he has to look for his words again.-Does it… does it mean that he can hear me?Dr. Novak purses his lips in thought. -It’s been proven many times that hearing a loved one’s voice helps a great deal in surfacing after a deep unconsciousness, the doctor says. -However, I’m sorry to say, the very first reactions the patient shows after a trauma this debilitating tend to be to the pain.The doctor looks at the drip bags — one deep red, three translucent with different hues of colors —, then the monitors, and writes something down. -We’ll increase his medication so he’ll stay comfortable. At this point, we’ll do everything within our power to keep his pains at bay.He looks at Jared, nodding at him encouragingly. -Please, just let me know when he becomes more cognizant.Dr. Novak leaves again with a reassuring smile and a nod, and Jared settles back to his vigil. His eyes catch the book on the bedside table he himself bought here on Steve's funeral day - Peter Pan."Never forget to fly."He blinks his foggy eyes clean, reaches to take the book and opens it from the first chapter. He lets his hand caress the old, tattered page, feel the indentation where the decorative, ornamented "A" marks the beginning of the story. Jensen lays silently, only the machine breathing for him, when Jared rasps out the first paragraph of the adventures of a boy who lived in the island of his own dreams. -All the children, except one, grow up.
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
Jensen dreamed. Or were they dreams, he couldn’t know: sometimes they were flashes, coming and going so quickly that he felt dizzy; sometimes they were dragging slowly and torturing, like a turtle crawling through the vast desert towards a sea somewhere past the horizon.They were sounds, colors, impressions, shapes, all vague and untouchable, unfathomable. Sometimes they were voices, faces of people that caused a wince on his heart, a warm splash through him.Occasionally, there was something he could grab on. He could hear shouts, alarmed and scared; could feel touches, light as a feather, could feel a pressure crushing his body, pins and needles running up and down his limbs like electric shocks, and burning, burning, burning.Once there was a huge airplane coming straight towards him in the air, collapsing over him, and he could but stand and stare, panic burning his chest, unable to move, knowing that he would be crushed for sure; and then it changed, twitched to a building that collapsed, and then the darkness.Then there were beeps, and he could be sure someone was right beside him, touching him, fondling him, and that feeling chased all the nightmares away.—-Jen, babe? Jared is once again alone with Jensen, only the clicks and whooshes surrounding him, disturbed once in a while with clattering or soft squeaks of rubber from the hall. Now he meticulously follows his husband’s face, distressed by the notion that Jensen will be in pain when he wakes up, praying that he would be spared from the worst. He keeps on talking to Jen, fervently hoping that his husband could draw at least some strength from the knowledge that he’s not alone.There's a rap on the door and Danneel comes in, carrying some drip bags over her arm. Jared nods at her shortly, relieved that they have acquainted so that he doesn’t need to be overly courteous in her presence.-Here come some new drips for Jensen, she says softly and goes to the rack, eyeing the bags already hanging there. -How’s he doing?-Trying to wake up, Jared says softly, his eyes on Jensen’s face, currently frowning. -He has moved his eyes and fingers already.-Wow, that’s good news! Danneel smiles and comes closer to the bed, crouching above Jensen. -Mr. Ackles? I’m going to give you some medicine. Try to relax, you’ll feel better soon.Jared follows with a keen eye as the nurse hangs the drip bags one by one and adjusts the speed of intake from two of them. The third she leaves hanging on the rack still sealed, instead taking a half full syringe from her pocket, detaching one of the tubes from her patient and feeding the liquid into it. Soon Jensen’s face soothes and he seems to fall back to his rest.-There you go, Danneel says and starts to attach the third drip, her eyes on the monitors. -Now you may rest a little more.Jared draws up at those words. -What? He snaps, distressed, before he can stop himself. -Isn’t he supposed to wake up?Danneel shushes him soothingly, her eyes flickering towards the bed, and Jared grows silent, ashamed. Jen doesn’t need his immature bursts of emotion right now.-He’ll wake up when he’s ready, Danneel says reassuringly, glancing at Jen’s monitors again and writing the numbers down. -We are lightening his intake of sedatives all the time, but the opioids he’s been given for his pain may have similar kinds of effect for a time. His counts are improving all the time, Jared. He’s coming back to us, don’t worry.—There were voices again, and he felt touches, soft and gentle, but still somehow pushing and uncomfortable. Those alternated with the heavenly, soft nonchalancy, cocooning him into its safety only to drag him back the next moment. Pins and needles were there again, and the pressure moved around his body; up and downs, down and up. After a while they disappeared, only to come back again. One touch, one voice, he recognized. He couldn’t tell who it belonged to, if it was an angel or a human, but it created the warmth and security inside him that he couldn’t gauge. Every time the voice appeared, the pins and needles, burns and jolts disappeared. Only the dull, throbbing agony remained. —-We are still in an emergency phase of Mr. Ackles’ care, dr. Novak tells Jared. He has visited his patient's room more often now as Jen's process in coming to proceeds.-His breathing, heart and pain management are continually our main priorities. He’s stabilized and the greatest danger seems to have passed. His wounds have been tended to our best abilities, and we will keep on doing all that as he goes towards the conscious state.Jared waits, knowing already that the doctor keeps those pauses, to give him a breather or whatever. He uses the waiting times well by concentrating on Jen. The excessive swelling that made his face almost unrecognizable during the first days is easing, and he looks every day more and more like his Jensen. It’s so relieving it makes Jared’s heart swell to the point he has to stop and concentrate on his breathing to not to choke.-Mr. Padalecki, your husband has been in a hemodynamic stress, meaning his whole system has been fighting in an unstable condition, dr. Novak explains softly. -What we have done by now is support his struggle with fluids, opioid based pain killers and taking care of his body temperature. All of our unit’s best knowledge is reigned on saving your husband, and it seems that we are succeeding. However, we need to thread carefully as he’s waking up. That’s why we’re doing it for several days. We don’t want his condition to deteriorate because we didn’t give him time.Jared nods his understanding. -Okay.-Mr. Padalecki, the doctor keeps on, - I want you to remember that your husband is relatively young, healthy and in top notch condition to someone of his age. He’ll have that as a definite help in surviving this all. We’ll see quite soon how the waking up will start to affect him. By this evening we will know plenty.The doctor is out again, but It’s like his words are still echoing in the room, mixing in with the beeps, clicks and whooshes. Jared smiles at Jen’s blank face gently and crouches to kiss his wrist.-Heard that, Jen? He whispers. -Time to put those muscles into work.—In the afternoon, Cynthia comes to hear Steve's obstruction report and calls for Jared to ask if he wants to meet in the hospital cafeteria for a short break.Jared feels unsure to comply, but Danneel encourages him. It could still take a fair amount of time before Jensen wakes up properly, she says, besides it would do Jared good to get away for a while to have a coffee and sit with a friend.Jared still feels compromised when he walks out of BICU, but the moment he sees the lady waiting for him he knows he made the right decision. They haven’t been so close before, but Cynthia has been nothing but nice to him since this horrible thing intertwined their lives together.Cynthia seems pale and spent, but she smiles at Jared widely and hugs him right when he steps out of the elevator into the lobby the cafeteria is in. They both take just coffees, in black, Jared notices with a hint of both amusement and sadness. He has left his milk and sugar out of it, has turned the drink he once enjoyed into nothing more but a life-preserving elixir, and it seems Cynthia has done the same.They both need extra fuel now to go on, be it caffeine if nothing else. Jared thinks of Cynthia and Steve’s children, two teenagers. Cy must have her hands full, he thinks empathetically. He himself has no-one else than himself to worry about, for some of the time anyway.-So, what did the report say? Jared asks the lady in front of him when they have seated and have taken the first sips of their beverages. It’s not his first words to Cynthia, but not much else either. Cynthia doesn’t seem to be shocked at it. They both live in a situation where their words are few and important.-His lungs were burnt too badly to survive the toxins poisoning, Cynthia tells softly, her eyes shining but not trying to hide it. - He also had two and three degree burns over 65 % of his body, but he might have made it should those have been his only injuries…Jared looks straight back, hoping that his gaze gets through the message he can’t find words for. -How're you holding up? He asks.That’s when Cynthia crumbles. -Oh Jared, she sighs wetly, gazing at the table. -Barely. Just try to think that God doesn't make mistakes…Jared acts intuitively, taking his hand over the table and covering the smaller hand with his own. Cynthia lets out a tiny smile, squeezing Jared’s hand back tightly.-I’m grateful for Jamie and Madison, she says, wiping the tears with the back of her other hand. -They keep me going. All alone, I don’t know what I’d do.She falls silent, and Jared doesn’t rush to fill the break. Somehow it feels good, comforting, to stay silent together. To hold each other’s hands and share this one bit of life.Cynthia sniffs and looks at Jared. -How about you and Jensen?Jared smiles unsurely. -The doctors have started to wake Jen up from the sedation, but he’s still unconscious, he tells the lady, who listens without a word, taking Jared’s hand inside both of her own.He deliberately keeps it vague. It doesn’t feel right to celebrate Jen coming to in the presence of a mourning widow. -Dr. Novak told me it may take days for him to really wake up though.Jared lowers his gaze on his coffee mug, looking at the bitter brown liquid absently.-His recovery is numbers on a monitor. Yesterday, for example, his oxygen saturation rose two tens, and his doctor said for the first time that he's cautiously optimistic.But Cynthia smiles, seeming genuinely happy of the news as she squeezes Jared’s hand gently. -That's great news, Jared!Jared smiles and takes his hand back, nursing his mug with both of his hands. -I guess so, he complies. -It’s just that I… I miss him, Cynthia. Being with a cognizant him, you know. To hear his voice and —Cynthia hums empathetically, tearing up, and Jared flinches, realizing just now what a jerk he just was.-So sorry, I didn't mean…, he fumbles hastily for the right words. Then he gives up. -I don't know how to do this, Cy.-Don't, Jared. Cynthia’s voice is soft and understanding. -You have a right to feel like you do. You still have Jensen. It's not taken away from you although Steve is.The lady thinks for a while, gnawing her lip, and then she nods like in a decision and goes on.-You know, Jared… I somehow think that should Steve leave too early, this is the right way. You know, helping his mates, forgetting himself… This is so very Steve. I'd never want you to feel bad that Jensen is still here.—-Children's minds are a curious place, Jared reads from the book in his hands. -If someone could draw a map, it would be full of zigzag lines and squiggles would lead to Neverland. What is Neverland? you ask. It is the magical island in the middle of every child's mind.He stops and glances at the man, like he has done pretty much between every second sentence he's read. He reaches to hold his fingers gently on Jen's wrist, feeling the pulse under his fingertips. Even. Reassuring. -Babe? Time to wake up, he whispers. Somehow it feels too violent to speak any louder. -Come on, man.Jared stops, putting the book in his lap and crouching forward to see his husband's face properly. Jensen clearly frowns, just a quick blink-and-miss moment, but Jared is sure of it as well as the tiny twitch he feels under his fingers. He calls for Jensen again, waits, and after a minute he sighs and goes back to the book.-It is a place children mainly go in their imaginations, unless of course they have an invitation and a very special guide... Jensen?Right there, it was a twitch, Jared is sure of it. He glances at the monitors, waiting for an acceleration on Jen's pulse or strenghening of the green curve on the screen, anything.It’s early morning, and Jensen has shown subtle hints of waking up all through last night. During the morning routines, he has opened his eyes briefly, and Danneel called Jared right away, knowing that he’d want to be on the bedside when his husband wakes properly.Jared has done his job remotely this whole week, keeping contact with his boss with emails and by phone, and so it was easy for him to leave his tasks in a heartbeat and come to the hospital. When he came, there were already Jensen’s doctor with some young attendings with their simultaneously nervous and eager demeanors, having their pens and notepads ready. They are with Jared and Jensen in the cubicle right now, but they are staying further, giving Jared a possibility of somewhat privacy on his husband's bedside. Now dr. Novak stands up and goes to the monitors, the attendees an immediate shadow on his heels.Jensen is already having a pain pump in addition to all the pain killers and other medicine he has been having intravenously. Right now, dr. Novak skims Jen’s chart, a thoughtful expression on his solemn face. After a while, he turns to smile and nod at Jared. -You can do it now, the doctor encourages, and Jared reaches for the pump, ready to push should Jensen show the lightest sign of discomfort. They have discussed about this earlier, agreed of the things Jared can help in and the situations he has to step aside and give the professionals room to work. -Jen, babe, I’m here, he soothes as Jensen moves his eyes again under his eyelids. -It’s alright, it’s Jay here.Jensen frowns and shifts, and suddenly, his eyes are open. Just for a second before they close again, but there's no living soul in the cubicle who doesn't see it. Jared’s breathing catches, and he feels all dizzy. The sea of people around him starts to move around the room and Jen’s bed, but Jared can see only his husband’s eyes. The gold-green in them seem even more vibrant than usual, and Jared physically aches to see them again. Two weeks, half a month. That feels surreal.-I’m right here, Jen. Right in front of you, he rasps, taking a step backwards to Jen’s feet as the doctor takes his place, crouching above his patient.-Mr. Ackles? dr. Novak asks, his voice exaggeratedly slow and clear, a little more louder than normal. -Jensen? Can you hear my voice?Jensen shifts again, and his eyes open shortly. They are glassy and confused, unseeing. Jared reaches to fondle Jen’s bandaged leg under his sheet and space blanket, hoping that Jen can hear and understand.-I’m here too, baby, he says, reaching for the same kind of tone dr. Novak just used. -Don’t worry, it’ll be all okay.Jensen weakly twitches his head towards the voice. Jared inhales abruptly, his eyes suddenly full of tears.-Love you so much, Jen, he chokes right when the nurse with a no-nonsense demeanor covers his line of sight as she does something with Jen’s wires and tubes. There's little more murmuring between the personnel Jared doesn’t get, and then the strict order that draws him up.-Re-sedate him!Jared jerks and takes a halting step, wanting to see Jensen. Jared gets to see him briefly, struggling his head up, his throat working, his hands tensing at the bedding. Jared stares in a frozen state of horror, unable to breathe during the torturing moment after Jensen’s eyes close, his body relaxing again.Then, all of a sudden, the first monitor starts to beep, followed by the second and the third.Jared looks frantically around as he is removed further from Jensen’s feet and pushed aside. He sees Danneel, scurrying in all business and concentration, not a hint of her usual easygoing and soft demeanor to be seen.-Danneel…? He pleads, and the nurse’s head whips towards him.-Go and sit in the hall, Jared, she says hastily. -Julie here will take you. We’ll come back to you soon, I promise.Then her eyes are back on her patient, and Jared retreats with a lump on his throat as the door closes, parting him from his lover.There is a young lady with scrubs, her porcelain skin dotted with freckles. Jared swallows at the memory. This time a year Jensen has just the same kind of face, his freckles gotten all wild around his nose and cheeks. Jared ponders fleetingly if he will never see those again or if they are disappeared due to burns in Jensen’s face.-You’re okay, Mr.? The nurse asks in concern, but Jared only shakes his head and lets the lady walk with him further to the hall. He sags to the nearest chair, the place where he can see Jen’s cubicle, gazing at the closed door with unseeing eyes.The pair of scrollers squeak away from him and then back, and he is given a paper cup of water. He takes it and gulps the water down.The nurse seems pleased, smiling at him softly. -Your husband is being re-sedated, she tells Jared. -It happens quite often actually, especially after a long and deep sedation. It doesn’t have to mean anything. I’m sure dr. Novak will be right with you soon.
We’ll get through this, babe. Together. I promise you.
The words Jared was about to say to Jensen come back to him now with a full force. They were his words to Jen, but now it feels like It’s Jensen who’s whispering them to him. Jared closes his eyes, shuddering as he tries to prevent a sob.When his eyes open, the nurse is gone with a soft touch on his arm, and he sits all alone in the hallway. No-one seems to notice him as the nurses, aides and orderlies scurry both ways in the hall, all with the similar, goal-oriented expressions an unmoving masks on their serious faces. Everything here speaks of efficiency and detachment. It's probably needed to help the people who are brought here critically ill, but it makes Jared feel cold and hollow.They re-sedated Jensen. Jared sags even lower down into his chair. His panicked thoughts whirl and bump into each other inside his distressed mind, the nurse’s reassuring words already forgotten.What could be happening? Wasn’t Jensen getting better? Was it something Jared did? Was he too pushy, too harsh when touching Jensen, speaking to him? Was it that Jen couldn’t have the rest he so critically needs when Jared was around? Was it —Jared stands up, unable to sit any longer. He wanders gingerly closer where can see inside Jen’s room. The blinds are not closed. He can’t see his husband though, only the feverishly working personnel around and above him. It doesn't seem that they are resuscitating him or anything, luckily.Jared follows the abuzz behind the window until his eyes are aching, and then he leans to the wall behind him, slips to the nonchalance that makes him surrender to the pull. Just for a second, he thinks. Just for a tiny moment…-Mr. Padalecki.Dr. Novak stands right in front of him, an empathetic look on his face. Jared blinks, runs his hand over his face and gathers himself quickly. He has slid down to the floor, his back against the wall, and he starts to fumble up. The doctor quickly extends his arm to help him gain his balance, but Jared waves the gesture away.-How’s he? Jared’s eyes fly straight to the window, and to his shock and confusion, he sees the blinds closed now. How long has he been sleeping? What if…He realizes at the last moment that this thought is the one he doesn’t want to finish. He shakes his head vehemently, trying to clear his mind. Focus. -How’s Jensen?Dr. Novak clears his throat, reaching his hand and starting to guide Jared further. -Your husband’s all stable and comfortable now, Mr. Padalecki, he says soothingly. -Please, come with me. I will tell you exactly what —Right at that moment, the beeper on the doctor’s belt comes alive, and he frowns and takes it. -I’m sorry, Mr. Padalecki, he says, sounding sincerely apologetic. -I’m needed elsewhere. Danneel is still with your husband, you may go back there, and I will be right with you as soon as I can.Then the doctor is away, and Jared stares at his back as he strides along the hall and turns to the right, where the step-down rooms of the unit are located. There are nurses hastily joining him from behind the office counter, and murmuring but hurried words are exchanged as they go. Jared stays there, all numb, until the door opens and there’s a small hand on his arm.-Jared?Danneel’s eyes are questioning. -Are you alright? Did you see dr. Novak?Jared clears his throat and lowers his gaze. His hands are shaking, he realizes. -He went that way.He nods at the direction the buzz of the personnel has just disappeared. The alarms’ flaring has ceased now, leaving behind only a distracting whooshes, low beeps and clicks that are the ICU’s ordinary sound environment. Here the personnel never raise their voices, they rarely even speak on a normal level, Jared has noticed, so whatever is the emergency going in there it’s happening in silence. It’s almost haunting when you stop to think about it.Danneel glances there too, a decisive look emerging on her face. -Come, Jared, she says, prompting. -Come with me.She takes a couple of steps in the opposite direction, Jared staying where he is, like nailed on the floor. -No. He almost can’t get the voice out. -I need to go back to him. Can’t I go back to him?Danneel looks at him, nods and opens Jensen’s door slightly. -Of course, go in.The cautionary measures in Jensen’s room have lightened some in the past couple of days, so they only need to put on gloves, masks and caps. Jared scurries in, taking his husband in with one, greedy gulp. Jensen looks like sleeping, he’s seemingly the same as when Jared last saw him, the only difference is his slightly more reclined position.-Go, Danneel coaxes softly, and Jared takes his place on the bedside, hand holding and all. -Jensen’s having a stronger sedative now, to keep him calm and comfortable, the nurse tells Jared softly.The nurse keeps in the background, letting Jared stay with his husband and trying to give the two a little sense of privacy that is possible in the confined space. She creates the mental distance by keeping her eyes out of the pair, strictly on the monitors that look much more promising counts once again.She goes through the drip bags, adjusts the flow where needed and makes a mental note on which ones need to be replaced before her shift ends. Then she turns to change her gloves and crouches to check her patient’s urinary output, memorizing the amount of liquid in the bag hanging from the hook on a bed edge. She may empty the bag a little later, she decides and glances at the clock, not wanting to interrupt the moment between the husbands.-Danneel? says a soft voice after a while.Danneel looks at Jared, seeing to her relief that the man looks much more gathered now — exhausted, sure, eyes red-rimmed and deep gray half-moons under them, but like he’s coming out of tragedy instead of drowning into it.-Yes?-What happened?Danneel sighs inwards. She knows that she has to wait for the doctor to tell the facts, but seeing the demanding eyes she knows that she just has to give the man something.-Jensen wasn’t ready to wake up yet, she explains. -It happens, Jared. His condition was balanced medically and his hydration intake and medication checked in the process, she says. -He’s now faring much better. His counts are coming back to normal.Jared’s eyes grow in consternation. -He got the wrong stuff?Danneel lifts her hand, shushing, placating. -No, it’s not that, she tries to explain. Hell, this is hard. She can’t really tell him, that’s not her job, but now the man in front of him thinks there has been a malpractice?-The doctor added some inhalation meds into his regimen, in addition to checking the doses he's already having, she chooses to say. Blame her, dammit. -Please, dr. Novak will tell you it all in detail.Jared seems to get her difficult position as he nods, just a little apprehensive. -Is my time with Jen up already, or can I stay?-Ten minutes, Danneel says with a thankful smile. -Don’t use your time staring at the clock. I will come when it’s time.Jared’s answer is almost a smile, but that doesn’t help Danneel feeling like a criminal when she leaves the room.—-Your husband reacted to the weaning process, showing us that he’s not quite ready for waking up yet, dr. Novak explains to Jared.They are sitting in a private family waiting room, much smaller than where Jared spent his earlier forty-five minutes away from Jen. There’s no-one else here than them, and Jared has a bad idea that this is the place where families are guided to receive the worst possible news.Maybe Cy and her teenagers were here to receive the news that Steve had succumbed to his injuries. Jared feels like choking as his restlessly roaming eyes take in the beige and baby blue colour interior before he can force himself to look straight into the doctor’s eye.Doctor Novak’s eyes are empathetic as he gauges Jared’s reaction. Probably something they teached in medical school about meeting the grieving, he realizes, quickly silencing the thought.-What does it mean? Jared asks, still struggling between the urge to know and to flee unaware.-You remember when I told you that Mr. Ackles was found in a partly collapsed building with no way out, the doctor says with a tone that is halfly a question and halfly a statement, and Jared nods, just in case it is the first one. -He has a moderate to severe smoke inhalation with burn injuries in his airways and lungs, which make the tissue in the area inside his throat and chest swell.Jared nods again. He knows, he know torturously well.-That’s why he was intubated right after the accident, and the respiratory therapy he has continued to receive has worked for him well, the doctor keeps on. -However, the lungs and trachea injured this way are sensitive for quite some time, and his breathing is something to be followed meticulously as well as the regimen of medicine checked and readjusted regularly.-Alright, Jared states, blankly. Is Jensen dying or what? He can’t get the question out though. - So, what does it mean?-It means that we must tread on his schedule, the doctor says, quickly lifting a placating hand like anticipating some kind of explosive reaction from Jared. -We’ll making him comfortable and letting him rest tonight, and in the morning we’ll give it another try.The doctor sits silently for a moment. Then he, seemingly done with the decision, goes on.-I can't tell you that Mr. Ackles’ condition wasn’t dire, he says softly. -It is, still. I’m afraid, very much so. On the other hand, Mr. Ackles’ seizure in the ambulance on the way here works in his favor, because it alerted us very early on about his obvious severe breathing difficulties. Mr. Ackles got a quick pulmonary lavage — that’s a process of cleaning his lungs from the visible soot and the possibly toxic particles it includes —, the immediate aggressive respiratory therapy and drugs to fight his condition. Now, we were quick to switch him into extended inhalation medication. He's having a medicine called hydroxocobalamin to reduce the possible cyanide toxicity, and we double checked the right dose of it as well. Cyanid is a very common gas forming during explosive fires, and the medicine we use for it is routinely given and very well received.The doctor quiets after that, and Jared nods slowly, trying to understand. -So, Jensen is now…?-He’s stable, but not out of the woods, the doctor explains. -As I mentioned earlier, his airways are highly swollen, and currently the intubation tube keeps his airways open. He has right now a CPAP valve that is attached to his ventilator tube, and it creates a soft pressure to push the 100 % oxygen through to his lungs. Both the CPAP and the medicine he's having help him fight the swelling and the consequences of him breathing the toxic smoke inside the building.Jared nods again, inhaling slowly and trying to gather what he has just heard. He knows the doctor does his best to use as simple layman’s terms that he could, but somehow the words still seem distant to Jared, like they are just ping-ponging on the surface of his consciousness and not really absorbing.-This kind of condition is not rare at all with the patients that have gone through the same as your husband, the doctor continues softly. -We reacted as swiftly as humanly possible, and Mr. Ackles is having the best possible care and is strictly monitored 24/7 for tiniest change in his state.The doctor leans closer, supporting his elbows onto his knees, and lays a decisive gaze to Jared. -Mr. Padalecki. Your husband has every possibility to come out of this. All that remains is the slim gray area that we cannot influence, only wait and support him the best we can. It’s the waiting game from now on.The doctor is silent for a minute, thinking, and then he proceeds gingerly. -Waiting is always the worst part, he says. -I think it’s now or never if you would like to have someone here for you. Someone you love and trust. Someone to support you while you support him.__ After they have said their goodbyes for now, Jared has just one thought in his mind. He actually can’t believe how he didn't think of it himself before. He has so curled into this tiny ball of Jen’s condition, his own fear and anxiety, the routine of sitting with Jensen and longing to be close to him in turns, all the medical jargon he has been receiving from every possible direction. He barely remembers to eat or sleep unless reminded.But now, at dr. Novak's hint, he knows instantly who to contact first.He exits the doctor's office and the ward, takes his turn to the staircase he knows by now almost no-one uses and collapses against the wall, sliding slowly down to sit. He fumbles his phone open and presses the numbers one by one, incapable of remembering how to use the speed dial.When he hears a raspy voice of a shortly awakened person on the other end of the line, all his walls come right crumbling down.-Mom, he sobs, curling around himself in such a mix of pain, misery and relief he can't remember never experiencing.
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
-Oh my God, Jared, what has happened to my son?Donna Ackles' voice is bordering on hysterical. Jared settles to listen to her, quelling the little sound on his shoulder whispering how she probably should know after several calls from BICU and quite likely also Sherri Padalecki.Jared listens numbly at the story about how Ackleses have been on their yearly sailing trip in Pacific, all those problems with connections on the sea and long distances to everywhere including the nearest airport and how every plane to US was overbooked until the day before yesterday and how they have just landed to Washington D.C. and —There's a short silence, then a click, then the line opens again. The voice sounding now is lower, calmer, but Jared can hear the masked fear and concern in it as clearly as a moment ago from the lady's.-Jared, tell me, it says. -Is my son alive?—Jared yawns, wandering towards the Burns ICU in the long hallway from visitor parking of the hospital. He hasn't slept a blink last night, the image of Jensen in distress playing in repeat every single time he has closed his eyes.He nods his hello to the janitor he sees at the elevators, takes the first one of them to the floor eight and leans against the wall, his eyes closing with force as the lift starts its steady journey upwards.Bling.-Sir, is this you?Jared winces, opening his eyes at the sight of a young college student looking girl. His eyes roam over to the screen above the door. Shit. It is eight.-Thank you, he murmurs as he stumbles out, glances longingly at the Burns ICU main door and takes another direction. His morning coffee is waiting in a vending machine just around the corner, and besides, he wouldn't be let in to see Jen yet anyway, his husband's morning PT probably going on right now.Jen’s problems with properly waking up hasn't postponed his burns treatment or PT. So he has the physical therapist visiting him every morning to do her exercises to support his respiration, clear his lungs, manage his swelling and maneuver his body parts in different positions, changing his pillows to different shapes and so on, even though he's not out of the ventilator yet.Jensen has had five surgeries total following his accident during these weeks, three of them being his first skin plantings. Some of his own skin has been moved from his thighs to his upper chest and sides and some on his hands, the places a group of surgeons following Jensen have condemned as the worst affected by the fire.Jensen is also breathing with the ventilator now, the CPAP valve having been removed a day earlier, and Jen’s having a mask with a bag on his face to aid with his breathing, a small valve on its side to let the ventilation tube go into Jen’s mouth. Jen’s doctor has told Jared it's called a rebreather mask, and it’s keeping up the task of feeding Jensen only 100 % oxygen to keep his saturation levels as good as possible and to fight the late effects of the carbon monoxide he breathed in in the burning building he was saved from. The CPAP machine is still standing beside Jen’s bed, just for a good measure.An hour and a half later, Jared is let into his husband's room. Jensen is almost awake, but there is an army of people in the room, just in case something like the last time happens again. Doctor Novak stands on the foot of Jensen’s bed, Danneel and two other nurses stay by the monitors, every one of them having their own screens to keep an eye on, and Jared sits by Jensen’s bedside.-Remember that your husband may be groggy and confused, dr. Novak has reminded Jared. -Don’t take it to your heart if he doesn’t recognise you right away. He just has so much on his plate right now. He will come back at his own speed.Jared holds his hand on Jensen’s pillow, dying to pet his cheek but knowing he can’t. The sedatives flowing into his veins have been cut off, and Jen’s face is restful but showing the very first – distressed, as dr. Novak has warned Jared before – signs of waking. Jensen's face is still covered by the cream and there is an angry redness around the still healing blisters.Jared follows Jensen’s every expression meticulously, every twitch of his brow, every pull of his mouth corner. Jen doesn’t seem to react to the ventilator breathing for him though.Jared lets his gaze wander from the complicated looking ventilator system on Jen’s face to his evenly rising chest and back up, telling himself over and over again that however cruel it seems, it’s all helping his husband now. Jensen’s pain pump is working again, a blue light blinking in the cell phone sized device on the bed beside Jen’s hip.The wire going down there has been taken out — after Jen’s body temperature has come up from the dangerously low levels and evened out, his rectal probe has been removed and his temperature is kept in surveillance by some tiny device attached into his Foley catheter. That doesn’t sound very nice to Jared either, but at least the new device won’t add to Jensen’s discomfort as Jensen, according to both dr. Novak and Danneel, won't even notice it.Jared’s eyes wander from Jensen’s body to dr. Novak on Jensen’s feet, and the doctor nods quietly, approving. Jared leans closer to his husband, fondling Jen’s wrist softly. He still doesn’t dare to squeeze it.-Jen, he calls, like so many times before. -Babe, can you hear me? Time to wake up.Jensen’s brow scrunches to a deep frown and his jaws tense, and dr. Novak murmurs a quick order. Jared vaguely realizes that someone feeds the insides of a syringe into one of the tubes going to Jensen’s vein, and soon he calms down, his grimace lightened and his mouth slackened once more. Jared’s eyes are now glued to his husband, and he hears only vaguely as the doctor gives some murmured orders to another nurse, mentioning triggering the vent and sedative ready.-Go on, the doctor coaxes Jared softly. -Just keep on speaking. He’s well on his way to us.Jared nods decisively. -Jen, he says, aiming for the way of speaking they have had between them. -Rise and shine now. You have slept long enough.It takes time and almost all of Jared’s patience, but finally, Jensen’s eyes open, and he blinks them slowly, tracking, but not focusing. His expression turns to a grimace, and once again, the medicine is inserted right away.The other nurse leaves at the nod of the doctor, and he himself retreats from the room with Danneel, they both staying on the other side of the window though. To Jared it’s as good as being all alone. He smiles at Jensen, still looking like a whole lot out of it, but clearly awake.-Welcome back, babe, Jared greets softly, and it looks like Jensen’s eyes grow moist as they slowly find Jared’s general direction. -So good to see you awake.Jensen's hand beside Jared’s twitch minutely, and Jared feels his eyes fill. He blinks angrily, not wanting to miss one second of this first encounter.-Hi, Jen, he says softly, rubbing the wrist with gentle fingers. -Hi, babe. I'm here. Jared barely notices a movement beside him, enthralled by the foggy and tired, but so familiar gaze focusing and unfocusing on his face. He almost winces when he hears dr. Novak's soft voice.-I need to check him out, Mr. Padalecki, the doctor says. -You may wait in the hall, and you can come back right when I'm done.This time, Jared stands up without any questions, only crouching down to almost touch Jen's cheek with his lips. -I'll be right back, babe, he whispers. -Don't worry. You'll be alright. Dr. Novak steps aside to let Jared pass him before he crouches closer to his patient, careful to proceed slowly and gently. Jensen's eyes are still open, and he's frowning slightly, his head twitching towards the sound of a door closing. -Hello, Mr. Ackles, the doctor says. -Don’t worry, your husband will be back soon.Jensen tries to move, and the doctor lays his hand gingerly beside his patient's arm. -Easy, he soothes. -Try not to move much. You are in a hospital, Mr. Ackles, and you have a ventilator breathing for you. Let it do its job, alright?Only answer he gets is a blink of dazed eyes and a click and whoosh of ventilator before the green eyes close again. The doctor glances at the monitors, stepping further from the bed.-He's reactive and able to make basic contact, he says to the nurse behind him. -He's not seeming to fight the ventilator. What is his BP and pulse?-Slightly elevated, says the nurse, and the doctor stops to count the numbers he sees on the screen.-There might be just a hint of distress from the ventilation, he decides. -Let's enforce ketamine with DEX. Start with the indicative quantity and go down from there if needed.He turns to look at his patient, seeming to rest comfortably, eyes closed. -I'll tell his husband it's alright to come back in.—Jared sits by Jensen’s bed, meticulously following Danneel who stands crouched above Jensen’s form, her eyes on one of multiple monitors the same time she adjusts Jen’s ventilator tube.-We need to call the ventilator technician to adjust the power which the oxygen is going into his lungs with, she says, lets the tube loose and smiles down at her patient.-Way to go, Jensen, she says to him softly. -You are doing really well. Not long and you will be breathing all by yourself.Jensen’s eyes are open, and he seems to follow the nurse with them as Danneel attaches the tube back and presses the ventilator on. Jen doesn't seem to react to the small moment he's forced to breathe by himself. This is a procedure that is done with Jensen once a day, to check his lungs' ability to work properly for the time he will be taken out from the ventilator for good.At first, Jared objected to the procedure. It sounded to him like an intentional torture, knowing Jen's lung injuries and the toxins he has breathed in. Dr. Novak was patient though, explaining to him that the procedure is actually good for Jensen, keeping his lungs working and thus avoiding some severe setbacks in his recovery. That way Jensen's team also assesses Jensen's readiness for extubation, and in the best outcome possible it means Jensen can be weaned off sooner. The procedure is done under strict protocol by highly skilled staff, the doctor pointed out to Jared. Today is the first time he sees the whole procedure, seeing for himself that Jensen is kept out of it, out of discomfort and not feeling any sensations of asphyxiating as far as it's gauged with bare eyes. Still, the procedure will remain one of those Jared dislikes the most.The short moment Jensen's not breathing at all, his chest all still under the sheet, is too close to him being dead for Jared to stand it properly. He is adamant to stay close only for his husband's sake. The only thought more horrible than Jensen seeming dead for those two seconds is the idea of him going through it all all by himself, none of his family present.Jensen's state of sedation varies during the day from light to moderate. It's all to keep him calm and comfortable with the tube going down his throat, but during the times his sedation is lightened he's more and more awake. Those moments are short, only some minutes at a time, but Jensen’s doctor has reassured Jared that it's all expected. According to the doctor, being under the kind of sedation Jensen has is like a half-awake state in the morning when the alarm clock has just ringed but you're not fully alert yet. So, Jensen recognizes the people around him and is comforted by the physical closeness and reassuring speech although his brain can’t grasp the words profoundly enough to understand what exactly is said to him.That's why Danneel speaks to him softly as she goes and does her things, and Jared takes his place beside Jensen’s bed as soon as she is ready on the bedside.-Hi, Jen, Jared greets, taking his gloved hand to Jen’s temple, the little sliver there that was protected from the flames under Jen's helmet during the fire and is recovered only with the ointment. -Hi, it's me.He feels still void of words when speaking to Jen, somehow stupid with keeping up a monologue. It feels easier seeing Jen’s eyes though. His eye corners crinkle a bit, and there is a clear recognition through the foggy sleepiness. Jared strokes his thumb slowly up and down on Jensen’s skin, trying to let the gentleness of the touch pass the message.-It's alright, babe, he whispers. -We're alright.Jen’s eyes close at that, and his face smoothen slowly in sleep that claims him so easily.Danneel smiles at him. -You're doing good, Jared, she encourages. -I'll call for Osric to do the adjusting of the ventilator. Use the call button if you need me meanwhile, alright?Jared nods, and the nurse leaves with quick but soft steps the kind of they all seem to sport here in the ICU.The last few days have been careful and slow, an unsure, tentative air filling every place and moment. Jared finds himself suddenly feeling so protective of his husband it feels surreal. Like Jen wasn't at all the strong man Jared has learned to know but a tiny, soaking wet kitten needing nothing more but a warm blanket and a squeeze.Jensen spends the small moments awake, but he still sleeps the most of his time, seeming clueless of all the equipment supporting his life around him. The personnel of ICU do their best to let Jared stay with Jensen whenever he’s awake.Every time, Jensen seems to respond better to his husband’s proximity. Leaving Jensen hourly feels all the more bad for Jared now that he sees Jensen knows for sure that he's here, twitching towards his voice each time he returns.Jared had no idea before this that a person can be conscious and still remain in a ventilator. Dr. Novak explains that it's all possible. Only thing it means that Jensen needs to stay under the sedation, but it will be the most light kind possible so that he won't get agitated by it but still be able to communicate with his surroundings. Jared speaks to Jensen every time he seems alert, about light everyday things like happenings in the office, phone calls from their families and how they are doing — he leaves out all the anxiety, fear and tears they have poured together over the unknown future though —, everything he thinks that would ground Jensen and bring him to this day. Jensen's parents have called again from the stopover airport, telling that they will be back home in a day max, so Jared decides to leave them something to tell to Jensen as well.He doesn’t find it in himself to talk about the accident though, more than a short mention of where they are and why when Jensen occasionally seems to pay a confused attention to his surroundings. That’s alright according to the doctor though — dr. Novak tells Jared that at this point of recovery it’s all about keeping Jensen calm, that he probably won’t be able to process or remember much of this because of the strong cocktail of medicine he is on.There will be plenty of time to talk in detail later, the doctor says soothingly. The most important thing is that Jensen is told the truth, whether how small pieces it’s given to him at this point.—Jared has just slumped into the back bench of a taxi when his cell phone beeps. He digs it out, sweeping the message open."Hi, Jared. We came from the airport straight to the hospital. We've visited Jensen briefly, but we must go to our hotel now. We will see you later today. Love, Donna&Alan"Oh. Jared's mind goes blank for a moment, then he clicks answering button and sends a short message back. He isn't sure how he feels about the fact that Ackleses are coming, now that it really is about to happen. Jensen's parents are nice, it's nothing like that. Still, there is somethign that is suddenly nagging on him. In the corridor, right outside Jen's room, there is a table with a giant vase of flowers with a bunch of balloons tied into it. Pale brown teddy bear plush is sitting leaning on it, and there are some chocolate bars in a pile in front of it all. Colourful card with wishes of getting well is placed on the other side of the table, and under it there is a white envelope.Jared takes the item in his hand, frowning as he sees his own name on the top of it. He opens the envelope gingerly, seeing that it hides a letter, written in Donna's neat handwriting."Dear Jared", it says, "a kiss and a hug from us both. This is so hard, knowing what our son, and you by his side, have gone through. We hate to think what you must have experienced during these over two weeks. I want you to know that our hearts broke when we finally got the call through to us and knew that we couldn't be there for our baby and you right that second.""Please know how much we appreciate you, Jared, and what you have done and are doing every day to help Jensen get better. We will be there with you as soon as we possibly can, and after that, you can count on our support and love.Whatever there will be in front of us, now there are three of us to carry the burden. Would you let us help you, Jared, and also please accept our apology.See you soon,Donna & Alan"Jared puts the letter gently back in to the envelope, not knowing what he should think or feel. The tone in the letter might be slightly pompous, but it's clearly written with genuine heart. He'll forgive his parents-in-law, of course he will. Like, what can you do if you are half the world away and receive news like that? The greatest relief in the letter though is the last paragraph, and that's the one he keeps playing in his mind when he puts the letter back down. Now there are three of them carrying Jensen. Before Jared can take time to look at the rest of arrangement with proper thought, Danneel comes out from Jen's room, closing the door gingerly after her. -Jared, she greets chirpily as she sees him standing by the table, looking slightly uncertain. -Did you have a good night? Jensen's parents already visited. They couldn't stay for long, they were half dead after their journey, so I told them to go to their hotel and settle down first. They sat with Jensen for some time though. Mention of Jensen brings Jared back. -Was Jen awake?-Yes, he was, Danneel says with a smile. -They seemed to have a nice moment together.-That's nice, Jared murmurs absently, running his hand over his face. Danneel looks at him for a moment, slightly alarmed.-Is everything alright, Jared? she asks. -Is there something between you I need to know? We can manage a schedule for you all meeting Jensen in peace if you prefer. It's not healthy for him to see you together if you have some issues between you. All the strength Jensen has he needs to get better. -Oh, no no, nothing like that.Jared shakes his head vigorously. He takes a long sigh, closing his eyes for a moment. -Tell me, Danneel says softly. -I'm bound to professional secrecy. Nothing I hear will pass on. Jared gnaws his lip, letting his eyes wander over the table of gifts. -They're okay. Over the top, actually. I just wonder how in the world we'll pull this through.Denneel smiles, reaching her hand to palm Jared's arm. -You can feel overwhelmed and lost, that's okay, she says. -We are here to carry you too. That's part of our job here. We are not only keeping our patients alive, you know. We are also here for the families. The mental help dr. Novak talked about with you the other day? It's also meant for Jensen's parents and siblings. Just give them the number.—It's definitely a positive thing that Donna and Alan are here: now Jensen has someone on his side every time it's possible, easing Jared's bad conscience and fear of something bad happening that has been present from the day one in the hospital, lurking behind hid back every time he leaves to take a break. The feeling hasn't been eased by anything the hospital staff has tried to tell him during the days. In theory he knows that he needs to keep up his strength to be of any use for Jensen. In theory he knows that Jensen couldn't be more protected or more meticulously looked after.The feeling just hasn't let him be, until the moment Donna Ackles sat down beside her youngest son's hospital bed, Alan standing right behind him as a supportive presence and Jensen opened his eyes, seeing the face of his parents and calming down at the sight of them. There were no words exchanged, but the atmosphere filling the air made Jared believe that instant that there were no such power in the universe that would get through to Jensen except over his parents' dead bodies.—Jared and the Ackleses make up a schedule for their hospital visits. It's quite natural that Jared takes the mornings, Donna and Alan being visibly jet-lagged over their abrupt flight from the other side of the world. Besides, it's more handy as well for Jared to come the first in the morning, staying until lunchtime and then going home to work for a couple of hours before coming back for the evenings they all share together. That’s why Jared gets to know the most tiring and gruesome part of his husband’s recovery: physical therapy and cleaning of the wounds.Danneel tries her best to gently introduce the concepts to Jared. Still, the first time Jared comes back to Jensen after the routines he is shocked to see Jen. The strong, earlier almost invincible seeming man lays on his bed, a picture of exhaustion and brittleness. His face is pale, eyes sunken, and he has clearly cried. Not only shed tears, but outright sobbed.But what is maybe the worst of it to Jared: Jensen flinches at his touch.Danneel tries to explain. There’s no easy way to tell that burn injuries are amongst the most painful ones a human can endure, especially when touched, and that’s exactly what the special nurses called burn technicians must do when they clean Jensen’s wounds as they remove the dead skin away and make way for the new, healthy skin to grow. Everything they do for him to heal him hurts him, despite the most effective drug cocktails used in as large doses as possible. Only an outright unconsciousness completely saves the patient from the pain.So, from Jensen’s point of view, it’s a trauma physically, but that only one side of the matter. It effects Jensen mentally too. This is the first time, Danneel explains, when Jensen really starts to grasp what has happened to him in all of its depth and what it means. The pain all around his body is the first concrete reminder of that, and during the cleanings it is all in front of his eyes, limb by limb, in a different way than when he’s only laying on his bed, receiving the flashes of pain that are quickly soothed by the pain pump.After hearing all that, Jared excuses himself to go to the bathroom. Danneel nods sympathetically, probably all aware of what's going on. Jared scurries out, takes the shortest route to the bathrooms and throws up. When he’s done, he sits on the closed toilet lid and shudders, gazing at the pale white ceramic tile wall, without knowing for how long.When he feels finally ready and goes back to Jensen, the firm decision to keep track of his husband’s demeanor even more carefully, using the pain pump with even the subtlest hint, is made.—Jensen squirms on his bed, squeezing his eyes closed. He's clearly feeling it uncomfortable what Danneel is doing as she moves his ventilator tubes gently to the side, using a suction tube to clean Jensen's mouth. Luckily, it doesn't take long until she's done and Jared can step back by the bed, taking his hand soothingly on Jensen's wrist. -Hi, I'm here again, he says, swallowing the tears as Jensen's teary eyes open and search for him right away. -Babe, I'm here. It takes a moment for Jensen to calm down, but Jared keeps talking to him, seeing from the corner of his eye that Danneel takes a syringe Jared recognizes as a sedative from her pocket and feeds it into one of Jensen's tubes. Jared directs his eyes decisively to Jensen's, his hand finding its place on Jensen's forehead. -Just a minute more, he whispers with an asphyxiated voice. -Soon it will ease. Shhh, it'll be okay.Then Danneel is back there, holding a cup with a sponge in it. -Here, Jared, she says promptingly. -This could help him feel better.Jared takes the cup and the sponge, whirling the stick around in the water and looking at his husband.-Jen? He says softly, and he has his answer right there when Jensen's eyes flutter and focus tiredly on Jared's face. -Jen, here's some water. Would you like to drink?He takes the sponge to the blistered lips, doing his best to tread as gently as he can. Jensen flinches at the first touch, no matter how soft, but he parts his lips anyhow, letting the sponge in. Jared smiles gently although he wants to cry at the expression he sees on his husband's face, a mix of pain, exhaustion and relief.-Here, he says, just wanting to say something. The silence is the worst, the silent, maleficent cacophony of whirs, clicks and beeps telling how close to death Jensen has been, how on the brink he still is.-I know this is not how you would drink if you were to choose, but this is a start, isn't it? When you get better, I'll find out the best brewery in all the US and take you there. This is a promise.The green eyes close, then open again, and the moisture covering them and making them glimmer forms into a tear. Jared reaches to take a napkin from the table, ready to catch it before it could fall to the burned skin.There is a soft rap on the door, and Jared glances at the clock on Jen’s monitor and only then at the lady peeking in from the door.-Would you like to have some lunch, Jared? Donna asks softly. -Alan and me had some already. We can sit with our son meanwhile.It's Donna and Alan's turn, but Donna never points that out but seems to go far to make Jared believe they are releasing him to a moment of rest. Jared has to admit that his daily schedule has improved much after Jensen’s parents came. Before they did the only ones reminding Jared of any kind of times for rest were Danneel and dr. Novak and the hospital personnel surely wasn't paid to babysit their patient's grown-up husband.When Jared steps to the lobby and walks to the coffee machine, there is someone already there trying to get the machine to work. Jared has seen her before — she is a lady, actually a girl in Jared’s eyes, long, brown hair and eyes with a haunted look Jared knows so very well. She seems very distraught, pressing the button in rapid succession and laying her arm against the machine, her face cradled on her arm. Jared can't be sure, but it's like he hears soft sniffles from under the arm.-Excuse me, he says softly, making the girl flinch although he just tried to avoid exactly that. -So sorry. I... I just think I might know some tips to make it work.The girl lifts her head slowly, turning to look at Jared, and Jared's heart shrinks in empathy as he sees the tear-streaked eyes. The girl nods without a sound, taking a side step to let Jared closer.-I've been struggling with this thing over two weeks now, Jared babbles, his only goal to make the clearly distressed stranger relax a bit. -It has its quirks, but today we communicate quite well.He takes the coins out from the return locker, feeds them in an presses the button.-Coffee? He asks from the girl who clears her throat.-Cafe latte, please, she says softly. -With a double milk.Jared does as she says and leans on the machine to wait for it to brew.-A haven of pause for us, he says, wanting to say just something. -You have to have something to do while waiting anyway.The girl suddenly lowers her head, her face hiding behind a vail of her hair. Before Jared can do anything, she has bursted into inconsolable sobs, her shoulders shaking and her knees starting to wobble.Jared gasps, taking a step closer to keep the girl from ending down on the floor. At that instant, he has a lapful of soft, shaking bundle in his arms.-I... I'm sorry, he murmurs, feeling at a loss of what to do. -It's alright. It's alright.The girl sobs at her heart's content but after the ugliest bursts she starts to get her bearings. Jared stands in place, holding her up, having no idea what to do. Finally the girl finds her legs again, and she steps back and wipes her nose to hear sleeve, clearly embarrassed.-Sorry, she murmurs.- Didn't mean to barge to you like that.Jared chuckles softly. The sounds just escapes between his lips somehow.-It's alright, he soothes. -We all need a good hug every know and then.The girl starts to sob again, and Jared covers his horror at the last possible second. What in the world happened now?Luckily this time she calms down as quickly as she started. -So sorry.Now it's her turn to chuckle. Somehow, that reaction relaxes Jared. She's just a young girl, not more than twenty. Being in this kind of place surely makes one act like slightly weird, especially when you're that young and all alone. -Don’t be, I know the feeling, he says. -As I told you, I've been here more than two weeks. Been crying for a whole year's worth that time. And the only thing I am to thank for that I'm this gathered now are my in-laws.The girl sighs, longingly. -My in-laws are far away, she says. -Haven’t even met my Brady yet.-So, Brady is who you are here with?-Yeah, he's my baby. His father – well, he doesn’t deserve to be called that.-I'm sorry.-Thank you.The girl looks at her paper cup, like searching for answers there, and then she lifts her eyes to look at Jared.-So, what's your story?They chat a bit until Alan comes to tell Jared that he is free to go back in. They share a manly shoulder pat, and then Alan stops, looks at Jared seriously and draws him in to a clumsy one-arm hug.Their eyes meet for one, solemn moment, and then Alan draws back.-Did you have enough time to eat? He asks.Jared grins a little embarrassedly, lifting his hand to scratch his neck.-Well...not exactly, he admits, glancing at the direction the girl has disappeared to.Alan chuckles softly, letting out a soft sigh.-Alright, kid, off to a cafe with me, he says. -Sandwiches and fries on me. No objections.They turn towards the elevators, Alan half a step behind Jared.At that moment, Jared feels quite lucky to have his life after all.
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
-W’hhhh’r, Jen murmurs softly, and Jared takes the glass with a stick of foam rubber head in it, wetting the head properly and taking it gingerly to Jen’s blistered lips. The words Jen lets out these days are raspy, broken mumbles, but Jared has become a quite good Jensen — English -dictionary by now.Ventilator is finally taken off three days ago, and it means Jensen is now far more cognizant, not needing the sedation anymore. The opioids still keep him loopy, but they have all have seen a great change in their loved one. It's nearly midday, and Jared is having his husband all to himself for a while still before Donna and Alan will come for a vigil exchange. Jared knows that Jensen needs all the sleep he could ever have but he finds himself so happy when Jensen is able to stay awake. He knows that it's a selfish thought, but he'd like all those precious moments to all himself, and the thought of the clock ticking forward is making him a bit impatient.As Jen’s level of awareness has slowly improved, he has started to gauge and communicate his needs, one of the firsts being the feeling of thirst. According to the doctor, Jensen is still being hydrated intravenously effectively enough so he shouldn’t feel too dry, but for the sake of him staying calm Danneel has provided Jared with a means of helping Jen “drink”, basically giving him a feeling of moisture on his lips and inside his mouth.-Right here, babe. Just open up.Jensen does that, painstakingly slowly and gingerly. Jared waits without a word though. He knows that it hurts like hell — Jensen has cried aloud so many times doing it when he was not this cognizant yet — and he hates to know that. He pushes the pain pump discreetly, not mentioning it to Jensen, and luckily it’s soon that his husband seems much more relaxed and takes the rubber foam in almost without a hitch, closing his eyes in a blissful sensation. There’s a tear that Jared quickly wipes away escaping from the corner of his eye.Feeling the pain without a respite has made Jensen somehow both wary and oversensitive. Every single sensation in his body makes him react so raw, so vulnerable, whether it is the pleasant or painful one. At the same time, Jensen clearly tries to cover from Jared what he feels. Jared is all confused seeing it, but he tries to do what he feels is best.Jensen is still scarce with his communication save finding and tracking Jared with his eyes quickly every time he wakes up, and when he does communicate, he does it mostly nonverbally. It’s not that he doesn’t have words, dr. Novak has said. Jared has noticed it as well, almost physically seeing the words whirling above Jen’s head like in a bubble of a comic strip. It’s only that making the reason out of them and getting them out is a hard cognitive work that Jensen is not ready for, not yet. Without forgetting all the strain and torture it physically causes for him to try to speak with his injuries in his chest and throat area.-Easy, Jen, Jared hums as his husband suckles the rubber foam greedily, like in a fear of it being taken away from him. -You can have three of these in total now. You’ll have time to enjoy yourself.Jensen lets the rubber foam slip away, swallowing laboriously as his face crumbles and letting out a raspy whimper, causing Jared to draw up. -It’s hurting that bad? He asks, trying to mask his own anxiety. It feels so wrong, so overwhelming to see Jensen suffer from something as mundane as getting the water down.Jensen twitches his head slightly, opening his lips again, and Jared sighs inwards, pushing the pump anyway. He waits until Jensen has calmed down again before he gives him the second portion of his water.-Here you are, babe.Jensen takes the served water, this time proceeding much more slowly, and after he’s done he sighs and relaxes against his pillows like after a great physical effort.-Chhhhh… Jen’s voice is so quiet it would easily be missed. But not to Jared, who is high-wired on his husband’s needs, even the slightest ones.So, he draws up instantly. -What is it, Jen? What do you need?Jen scrunches his brow and tries again. -Chhhh… Chhh-hhhh’d…Jared gnaws his lower lip to not to cry. He takes his hand lightly on his husband’s wrist, rubbing it softly. -What is it, babe? Is the pain getting worse? Do you need more medicine?Jensen stops for a moment, laying still and eyes closed. Then he opens them again, curling his hands slowly into loose fists and making a tiny movement on his bedding, like shivering. Jared frowns, trying to think what is happening. Could the shivering be a result of pain? On the other hand, the monitors that usually start blaring in the slightest hint around Jensen's bed stay calm, and he isn't looking too much in pain either. There is more like decisiveness in his expression. -I'm so sorry, babe, Jared eventually sighs. -I don't understand. What do you mean?During the days, they have tried several ways of communication with Jensen. Baecause of his suffered vocal chords, speaking is mainly out of question as well as writing until his hands will be recovered enough to hold a pencil, or anything else by that matter. Jared tries to remember, thinking how the personnel are communicating with Jensen. There is a possibility of giving alternatives, but how to do that when the possibilities are unlimited?Jensen closes his eyes with a silent huff. Then he does the same thing again, this time slowly and exaggeratedly. Hands into fists and shivering. It's a deliberate movement, not involuntary reaction to pain. Jared wracks his brain, trying his best to understand. Shivering, like -- As he gets it, he almost sobs with relief and the feeling of stupidity. It’s a peculiar thing that whenever he seems to let his feelings show these days they go instantly all over the place, turning from laughter to sobbing in milliseconds. That’s not something he wants to do now, not with Jen this vulnerable.-Cold, he says. -Are you feeling cold?Jensen lets out a soft sigh, twitching his head in a nod. Now, Jared knows instantly what to do. He stands to turn on the heat lamp over Jen’s hospital bed and directs its light slightly downwards, to keep it from dazzling Jensen. Jen seems relieved anyway, closing his eyes with a soft sigh and mouthing an inaudible 'thanks'. Jared answers the gesture with a soft squeeze on Jensen's wrist. -I'm sorry, babe, he whispers chokingly. -I'm an idiot for not noticing right away. Jen opens his eyes abruptly, landing his piercing gaze on Jared's. -Nnnnnuhhhh. Jared chuckles, swallowing his tears. -I beg to differ, he whispers. -You shouldn't worry about anything but getting enough rest to get better. Jensen holds the eye contact for some time, and Jared returns it, looking for familiar features under the film of tiredness and confusion. -Love you, he says in hushed tones, watching as his husband's features soften towards a sleep. A little less than ten minutes later there is a soft rap on the door, it opens slowly and Donna's mask covered face peeks in.-All good, Jared whispers, catching the question in his mother-in-law's eyes. -Come in.He turns to look at Jensen's restfully sleeping face, whispers his goodbyes to him and takes his bag from under the chair.During the last days, Jared has adopted a habit to check his cell phone during some of his breaks. The news of Jensen's accident have spread around, and how much Jared would keep them out from the world while Jen is so bad he has had to open his eyes to the fact that his hudband has friends, quite a bunch of them, and those friends are worried over him too. This time, there are five messages and three phone calls. Jared starts to type the answers while he goes to take his coffee, and when he has a paper cup full of black beverage with him, he walks further to the hall to return the calls. After fifteen minutes, he has one last call to make and he feels completely wiped out. He presses the caller button anyway, eager to get this done with, his thoughts already back on the ICU room 3.-Morgan, says a low voice on the line, and suddenly Jared is all alert again.-Jeffrey?-Who is it? Jared?-Yes, it's me, Jared says, his hand holding the cell tightening around the device. In the day of the funeral, Jeffrey promised to keep in touch but at that time Jared interpreted it as a polite gesture more than actual promise. They have kept in touch with a copuple of short text messages so that Jensen's boss have been aware of how they've been doing, but an actual phone call is something he wasn't expecting. It feels much greater a gesture, somehow. Jeffrey's voice wafts from the line, low and a bit worried. -I wanted to hear how you are doing, Jared, he says. -Jensen too, of course, but I have understood he's doing all the time better. For you, I've been a bit more concerned.Yeah, the text messages have been about Jensen, how he's come to and how he's slowly starting to communicate. Jared is fairly certain he hasn't said a word about himself. Now, he doesn't know if he should chuckle or cry. Freaking emotions, he thinks, shaking his head to clear it up. -I've been okay, thanks, he says to the phone. -Jensen's parents are here, and they have been great help. They sit with him so I can rest a bit. -Excellent, Jeffrey says. -I thought for a bit that you must have been quite lonely. Jared blinks, his brain shutting down for a second. -Yeah, he says, knowing what else to say. -I'd like to catch up with you, Jeffrey keeps on. -I know the hospital won't let others in but the closest family yet. But, Millie - you remember my wife? - pondered one day if you'd like to come to our place for a dinner? It's nothing fancy or special, just me and her and something to eat. I mean, if you are not too busy between Jensen and your in-laws. -No, I'm not too busy, Jared assures quickly. -I mean, I... I'm working and being here with Jen, and we're takind sides sitting with him, but otherwise...-Just take your time, Jeffrey soothes. -The invitation stands. If it's too early now, we'll make it happen later. The older man's voice lowers conspiratorially. -Millie probably wants to make sure you eat properly. She's always worried for young men. Jared chuckles, and that lightens the tone of the call. They talk a moment more, and then Jared finally takes his second of silence with his coffee cup and the sight over the city from the waiting room window. After emptying his cup, Jared notices that he's actually feeling refreshed. He glances at the clock on the wall. Two and a half hours before dinner time. He takes the key from his pocket, goes to the to the lockers and takes his job laptop case out. There will be time for some work before their little night together in Jensen's room.The next time his cell phone rings, it is Danneel. -Jensen is all good, she says soothingly, knowing what's Jared’s very first thought receiving a call from BICU. -He'd like to see you in private.Jensen is awake in his room, blinking his eyes open and quickly looking for Jared beside him. Jared scurries closer, and Jen sees him and relaxes.-Hello, Jen, he greets. -Danneel just called me. Are you alright?Jensen looks all concentrated, and Jared knows the expression, making himself ready for another 'talk'. -What is it? he asks, this time more relaxed. He doesn't know how they will understand each other, but at least he knows that Jensen isn't calling for him to help, suffering some indescribable agonies Jared doesn't have a slightest hint of. Jensen glances around, lifting his hand and moving it in a slow circle, his expression questioning. Suddenly, the puzzles in Jared's head start to connect. The earlier fist and shiver, and now the hand movement...-Is it sign language, Jen? he asks, his brain catching some vague memories from the scout camps in his youth. Jensen is proficient in basic ASL, has been all his life - Jared should have known.Jensen nods, his expression turning relieved, and then he repeats the sign. -You mean, where are we?Jensen nods, and Jared suppresses a frown. What's that question?Maybe Jen is just confused still, like dr. Novak warned him when Jen woke up the first time after the accident. Jared just thought that it would last some hours, maybe a day, but not almost a week. He tries to keep it cool though.-You were in an accident, he explains. -But you are in good hands here.Jensen frowns questioningly, twitching his hand towards his other arm. His movement stops in a grimace, but he moves his gaze all the way up to his elbow. -You've been here little less than a month, Jared says, as reassuring as he ever can.It's Jensen's next question that takes Jared all by surprise. Again, it's a sign, but this time Jensen also mouths the question so that Jared has no way to brush it off, implying that he did not understand the question.It's the question Jared is not sure at all if he's ready to answer. Not now, maybe not ever. Jensen frowns, clearly perplexed, but his exhaustion saves Jared from further questions. He thanks the heavens in his mind when Jensen soon drifts off again. Some part of Jared’s conscience nags at him for thinking like that, but he decides it’s better this way for both of them.Jen’s clearly still too weak to hear the whole truth. He can’t keep himself awake for more than some minutes at a time, for God's sakes. But when awake, he’s already cognizant enough to ask all those questions Jared dreads to answer.The day drags on thus, slowly and without any further events. After his another nap, Jensen seems so tired and lethargic that Jared keeps his talking to a minimum, only reassuring Jensen softly every now and then as he seems confused from time to time as he drifts on and off.Jen asks for water one more time, and Jared helps him like he did earlier. After the drinking is done, Jared changes his gloves and takes Jen’s lip balm from the table, gently spreading a generous layer of it on the blistered lips. Jen flinches and moans, already on the verge of falling asleep again, and Jared gnaws his own lip to not to cry as he sees that.-Shh, it’s alright, I’m done, he whispers, laying his hand gingerly on Jen’s. This time, Jen doesn’t flinch away, and Jared smiles at himself, basking in the feeling of proximity he has missed so much. -Go to sleep, Jen. I’m here.—Jared gnaws his lip to keep himself in check as he holds his fingertips on Jen’s temple, the touch that’s meant to be grounding but feels far too weak and distant to provide that. Jen moans, soft and dragging, as his groggy eyes roam dazedly somewhere over the roofline.Dr. Roman, the plastic surgeon who’s in charge of Jen’s most delicate repair surgeries, sits on a rolling stool slightly away from the bed. The surgeon is disturbing in some way Jared can put his finger on, but he stands the man for Jen’s sake. He’s one of the best in the area, he has heard to be told, and that’s more important than Jared’s personal preferences.The surgeon sits all still, giving space for a lady who’s gently wrapping the gauzes open from their patient’s hand, one torturing layer at a time. Before the last layer she has mercy on Jensen, letting him even his breath for a moment before she peels away the last layer, uncovering Jensen’s skin. Jared has to look away. The smell of the burnt skin and tissue as well as the thick cream from the gauze is more than enough for him. He aims to concentrate on soothing Jensen instead.The nurse nods to the surgeon and steps further to wash her hands and change her gloves. The plastic surgeon comes promptly closer, his eyes piercingly meticulous over the mask that covers his lower face, same as everyone else currently in the room, and peeks under the gauze and bandages under it, probing the surface gingerly with a help of tweezers.-The recovery has started nicely, the doctor says softly and steps back. It’s questionable who his target is though because Jensen is barely hanging in there, clearly struggling to not to lose it all, and Jared has nothing else in mind as trying to console and comfort his husband the best he can.The surgeon gives the room for the lady once more as she starts to gather the supplies for a bandage changing. The nurse and the surgeon exchange a look Jared doesn’t understand, but the surgeon soon ends his confusion.-Alright, Mr Padalecki, let’s give Missouri here some peace and quiet to get her things done with Jensen, he says, looking at Jared and extending his hand in a polite but inarguable gesture. -Dr. Novak asked me to escort you to him as soon as this is done.But this isn’t done, not at all, Jared thinks angrily as he’s almost manhandled out of Jen’s room. Fortunately, they come across dr. Novak right as they step at the hallway, and the surgeon leaves swiftly, explaining about the next surgery waiting.-Hello, Mr. Padalecki, Dr. Novak greets him with a smile, and Jared feels instantly at ease, absolutely opposite to how he felt with surgeon Roman.-There’s some things we need to talk about, Mr. Padalecki, dr. Novak says, nodding towards his office. -I got ready a couple of minutes early, so I decided to come to meet you here and have a little stretch for my legs.Jared nods, turning to follow the doctor. -You don’t have to worry about your husband meanwhile, dr. Novak reassures. -Mr. Ackles will have a sedative and an added dose of opioids for his procedure, he won’t notice your absence.Nicely played, Jared has to admit. Jen already seemed unreachable as Jared whispered him goodbye, promising to come back as soon as he could. The lady — Missouri — staying with Jensen nodded at Jared with a tiny, reassuring crinkle of her eyes over her mask as she took the syringe out of her pocket, starting to prepare it, and the last thing Jared saw was the opened tip of syringe attached to port in Jen's elbow bend.-Missouri is a treasure, dr. Novak now says in a conversing way, starting to herd Jared along the corridor. Jared tries his best to hear any sounds from Jen’s room, its door closed now, but the only thing he can catch is a soft reassuring female voice and humming of some gospel-sounding song. Then, all of a sudden, there is a sharp scream, and Jared petrifies and jerks like lightning just went through him, attempting to turn back.-I’m so sorry, the doctor murmurs, still directing Jared forward with his hand landing on Jared’s shoulder. -Unfortunately, this is what this is. But try to rest assured, there’s no-one better than Missouri on this side of the Atlantic doing the changings. She’ll take care of your husband as if he was her own family.Jared nods numbly, following the doctor without a word. The doctor keeps silent as well, directing Jared inaudibly into his small office at the end of the corridor, almost at the doors to another part of burns ICU — Burn Unit 2 like Jared has heard the personnel call it. Jared sags into the chair the doctor waves at him to take and blinks at the blank, wooden office desk. The doctor pours him a glass of water and places it in front of him.-Thank you for seeing me, Mr. Padalecki, dr. Novak says solemnly. -As I told you, there’s something you need to know, and this is as good a time as any. Your husband is all safe with Missouri, I assure you.Jared nods, although he might not use that exact phrasing. He distractedly notices that the closed door behind his back cuts all the voices from outside. It’s not that Jared would like to hear Jen shout in pain, on the contrary it was something he would prefer not to hear ever again. At the same time though the fact makes him oddly restless, like he has abandoned his lover in the middle of his dire time of need.He notices that he’s straining his hearing anyway, wondering if the walls in the unit are really thick enough to keep the sound out or if Missouri is already done with Jen’s most painful areas. Jared has read at home when Jen was still in the ventilator unconscious that the most deep burns, unlike you would think of, are not the most painful due to the fact that the nerve ends have burnt away. It’s the more superficial wounds that have the nerve endings undisturbed or that have them all exposed that are the most agonizing to be touched, not to mention the healthy skin around the wounds.Jared knows from Jen's papers that Jen has thirty-five percent of his body covered with those most painful two degree burns, ten percent being the deepest ones that will grant Jensen not only these days but also a future with a sure amount of pain in it. The thought makes Jared wince with sympathy.-...lasted for concerningly long, dr. Novak is explaining. -That’s why we’re starting to suspect his symptoms are related to his carbon monoxide inhalation.-Excuse me, Jared says, a little embarrassed. -Sorry, my thoughts were elsewhere. Could you say that again?-Naturally. Dr. Novak’s voice is empathetic. -As I told you when Mr. Ackles was in the process of waking, a certain amount of confusion and tiredness is expected for some length of time due to his toxic smoke inhalation. However, the profoundness and relatively long timespan your husband has sported these symptoms has led us to suspect the burning gasses he has got into his system have caused some longer time consequences in his recovery.-Such as? Jared is suddenly all back.-We are in the middle of examining the matter right now, the doctor explains. -This morning, our phleghmotologist took Mr. Ackles’ blood gasses and some other tests that show if he has an excess of toxins in his system. Should there be, we have means to fight them.-Thank you.-Not at all. The doctor smiles reassuringly. -These kinds of things may appear in recovering from something as comprehensive as burns injury, but we are equipped and ready to face these challenges as they come our way. You and your husband can trust that.Jared nods, not knowing what to say. Only thought in his mind is when Jensen can have a break. How much does he need to endure?-Is there anything you’d like to ask me? The doctor queries kindly, and Jared swallows.-What does this mean to Jensen?The doctor nods thoughtfully. -There are many kinds of possible symptoms, the confusion and lethargy being the most common of them, he says. -However, there’s a possibility of some more serious deferred symptoms, for example motoric impairment, difficulties in forming speech or incontinence.Jared runs his hand over his face, his eyes piercing holes to the glass on the table. Jen, his strong and capable, active and resilient lover, incontinent? Incapable of speaking or moving properly? It’s not possible, it just isn’t. It can’t be.-W-what? Jared pants, feeling dizzy. -H-how?The doctor goes on calmly. -We’re going step by step with Jensen in this, and nothing else than the first two mentioned have occurred to your husband. Nothing else than his tiredness and confusion, Mr. Padalecki. Even the more severe symptoms tend to withdraw as the treatment goes on. It’s highly unconventional that any of those linger and stay for good.The doctor is silent for a while, then he keeps on. -It’s all possible it’s just part of his complicated recovery process. Everyone has their own path and speed. Still, we want to be proactive, do things before it comes to its worst and in the best case prevent that altogether.Jared closes his eyes, most of the doctor’s words flowing happily past his consciousness. The message he just heard is so different from the soothing tone it is delivered with.-Uhm, can I go back to him? he asks, his only will to see his husband, to go there and be safe with Jensen, to touch him, to see him breathe, to drown into his eyes. To be saved by him from this horrid reality he feels far too overwhelming.Dr. Novak looks at him, a concern on his face. -Just in a minute, Mr. Padalecki, he promises. -I’d like to know first if you have any questions. We are here in the Burns Unit for you both. You are not alone, neither you nor your husband.Jared feels the hotness prickle once more on his eye corners. Shit. He has to get it together.The doctor sees that and nods towards a glass on the table, still untouched. -Just take your time, Mr. Padalecki, he says kindly. -Have a little water. Take a breath.Jared does as the doctor says, gingerly gulping the water. It flows down his throat, cooling and relieving. Slightly better. He sighs deep and clears his throat, arranging his words.-I, I have a question, he stutters, and the doctor nods patiently. -Well, uhm, not exactly about this but…-It doesn’t need to be. Just feel free, anything that’s in your mind. Dr. Novak waits, his hands folded on the edge of his desk, an expectant look in his eyes.-Uhm, Jen asked me about… things today, Jared fumbles, frowning, trying to find the right words. -About him being in the hospital, about what has happened…-Does it worry you? The doctor’s voice is soft, understanding.Jared gulps. -Yes. He moves his eyes to his hands on his lap, then back to the doctor. -He, he is really confused and tired, but occasionally he’s as bright as ever, he tries to explain. -We for example communicate with sign language when he’s too tired or in pain to speak. The doctor’s brows fly up, and Jared feels a short surge of pride. -His godmother was deaf, he tells the other man. -And his aunt lived two houses from Ackleses', so Jensen spent his childhood with two languages. Nowadays, I think it’s a part of Jen’s line of work as well to know it. However —Jared stops to inhale, gathering his thoughts, and the doctor nods thoughtfully. -You are concerned that your husband really wants to know everything this time?Jared nods, mournfully. -He asked me that. In a way that din't leave any questions. The doctor taps his thumbs together, his brows knit together on a thoughtful frown. -Usually it takes a bit longer for this kinds of questions to emerge, he says.Then he stills, looking at Jared. -I understand your concern, he says. -Your will to shelter your loved one from the harsh truth, your hope to let him recover in peace, without any heartache, is all very human.-However, you can’t keep him oblivious of the facts that surround him, he keeps on. -Those facts will change his life — both of yours, forever. Jensen is an adult, he should be the one to decide when he wants to hear these things.Jared shifts on his chair. -I know, he states vehemently. -I don’t want to treat him as a child, I don’t. But —-Mr. Padalecki, I know you don’t. Please don’t get me wrong. The doctor takes a moment. -Usually the need to know means that the patient is ready to hear, he says after a pause. -There are also some studies that show how the full knowledge of what has happened eventually works for the good of the recuperation and convalescence. Of course there is shock and then grief, and they need to be felt, but given time, the knowledge becomes a sort of fuel for your engine in a road to get better.Jared gnaws his lip, deep in thoughts, his demeanor radiating his inner struggle. The doctor gives the man some time. Finally, when Jared straightens his back against the chair’s backrest with a long sigh, dr. Novak leans slightly closer to him.-Would it help you if I were with you when it happens?The light that slowly creeps in in the distressed husband’s eyes — hope — tugs the doctor’s heart strings. He smiles softly at the man.-I’d like to be there, he says. -I can ask my colleague to cover for me for a time, say, tomorrow after morning rounds? As you might have noticed, sometimes things go haywire in here, but I promise I’ll do my best to keep this in my schedule.
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
When Jensen wakes up, his eye corners are itching. His eyes are so tender, the skin above them feeling like concrete. There is someone moving around the bed. He sighs inwards. Please, go away. Let me sleep.-Jensen? The lady always speaks with a soft voice, like letting Jensen choose for himself if he wants to react or not. The man, the doctor, demands, calls until Jensen twitches his hands, opens his eyes, anything. All of them touch him, and it feels bad every time. Not because he hates to be touched but because every time he is touched he remembers. When he lays all still, he can succumb into his thoughts, let the odd pictures fill his mind like clips from movies, the whirs and whooshes and beeps and clicks lull him into a state where he is immaterial, without his body, this shell around him that feels like too tight sausage skin, that aches, burns, stabs, itches. -Jensen, let me take care of your central vein catheter, the lady says. Her name is Danneel, and when Jensen has enough strength to open his eyes, he can see that she has fiery red hair and green eyes. Curly, sometimes running away from under her light blue cap to frame her high cheekbone.Sometimes, when he has it in himself to do that, he looks for those curls, follows them with his eyes, makes them the center of his universe to trick himself from feeling the fingertips on his skin that does nothing good.The tubes are all around him, his groin, his stomach, his elbows, his chest. With his eyes not open, he doesn’t know where to move his concentration from the touch, and soon it has grown excruciating, like the lady had burning matches on her fingertips.-Jensen, how are you doing?The lady speaks all the time, a soft, soothing sound, but sometimes she says something she really wants Jensen to hear. That’s when her voice comes closer, or maybe there is a soft touch, a warmth right beside his cheek or hand. -Jensen?Here it is. Why can’t you let me sleep?-Jensen, I will take your dressings off, alright? Then it's time for the tank. You are the first in line today.Fuck. He pries his eyes open, slowly, and it feels like shedding his skin. His sight is blurry, and he whimpers softly when his eye corners are dabbed dry.-Here you are, Danneel says, smiling her soft smile that stays hidden under her mask but makes her eyes twinkle. -Can you tell me where you are?Hospital. Danneel notices the twitch of a sign he gives, nodding happily. There are more questions as well. What is the day today? What is the name of your husband?Jared.Jared comes after the tank. Jared’s sitting by Jensen's bed when he wakes up from his stupor, the cocktail that doesn’t make him sleep but loopy and confused, thirsty and headach-y. Jared smiles that smile of his, the one that makes the whole world a better place, calls him ‘babe’ which makes Jensen's teeth rot but his heart bump faster too, so Jared can do that how much he likes.Jared speaks to him softly, touches him so gently that it makes Jensen shed tears of sheer relief. Jared reads to him, his words escaping Jensen but his voice so deep, so familiar, so soothing that it feels impossible. It is like it had the power to take away all the stabs, ease the burning, soothe the itching.When the door opens and closes, taking Jared away and bringing mom and dad in, Jensen is usually all exhausted by all the commotion so far. Luckily, they tend to let him sleep, just staying beside him and saying a word here, another there. The best of it all is the mild scent of mom's soap, a light touch of dad's aftershave. The memories of moments together snuggled in a couch, a good night’s tale read by one of them. The kisses, the whispers. Simply, them being there, chasing away the scary and strange smells and sounds of this place he can’t remember the name of. —Jensen wakes up the next time after dinner, and he doesn’t seem to remember his earlier vehement urge to know everything. Jared takes the small gift as it is, following Jen’s lead in talking about his job, their neighbors, all innocent and light topics again.It’s slow and quite tiring to communicate by signing, especially when Jared with his boy scout level of the language needs several repeats and long times of trying to interpret what Jensen means. Still, it’s so much better than the alternative.When Jensen has grown tired they just stay there, hand in hand, in comfortable silence.Jensen is standing his continuous pain better all the time. It might be just that eventually, one gets used to anything as long as it’s a constant, unchanging presence that stays the same in frequency and power. Jensen doesn’t move willingly outside his actual therapy times, and Jared can understand it, seeing how daunting any movement is for his husband.Luckily Jen has a special bed, it’s mattress a kind of constructed from different sized pillows that expand and go thin with different frequencies, changing Jen’s position from time to time and saving him from the nurses’ regular repositioning. Jared is certain that this is a much more pain free way for Jensen, and he’s thankful to the hospital and unit but also to the engineers and all kinds of inventors who make things like that happen.Jensen also has splints on his hands and feet that keep his limbs from curling inwards, a less pleasant consequence of the skin healing, so the moving wouldn’t be even possible. The splints are put on every day after Jen’s therapies, taken away right before his morning bath, and all the other times they are on, stretching Jen’s body parts into positions that seem exaggerated to Jared. He trusts dr. Novak and the nurses though. Without their professionality, Jensen wouldn’t be even alive.—It takes almost a week before Jensen brings the hot topic up again. All of them —Jensen's parents, Jared and dr. Novak — have agreed that not any of them will say a word about the accident unless Jensen takes the initiative, and he has been quite happy to only enjoy his parent's proximity and every day talks without any hint of wanting to press on to the hard stuff. They all know though that the day will come, sooner or later.Jared knows this is it from the very moment Jensen blinks his eyes open. It's Jared's turn to sit with his husband first in the morning, and he can't help seeing Jensen waking up seemingly decisive. He has a later bathing turn today, so Jared helps him with eating, feeds him actually, because Jen’s hand splints don’t allow him to grab anything.Jensen has moved on from liquid nutrition to soft meals, but he still eats slowly and gingerly, so the eating takes time. Today, he has scrambled eggs with bread pudding, iced coffee and a can of nutritional smoothie rich of vitamins and minerals. After an injury as devastating as Jensen’s, it's crucial for him to receive enough energy and nutrients to recover properly. He still eats meagre portions though, so some of his daily meals go in through an IV port under his collarbone.As soon as Jensen’s done with his breakfast this time, he starts to sign, not taking his usual nap, and that’s why Jared knows he's meaning business. He is able to speak some words, his vocal chords started to recover some, but he preferably avoids it and hearing the painful rasps Jared can definitely understand why.-Jay, he signs, proceeding slowly to not to hurt his aching hands. -Thanks. Love you.Jared smiles at him gently, knowing what his husband means. -I love you too, he says, meaning every word. -Love you so much, Jen.Soon it becomes obvious that that was only a prologue on a longer discussion. -This place, Jensen signs. -I know where. Need to know why.Jen’s eyes — always red-rimmed because of the unshed tears of constant pain, tiredness or irritation caused by Jen’s injured skin around them, Jared can’t be sure — are piercing, begging, as they land on Jared’s before they close tiredly. Jared knows that this is it, here and now. He can’t deny Jensen the facts, it wouldn’t be the right thing to do.He decides to suggest to Jen that they will talk about everything when dr. Novak comes to visit after his rounds. He just has to hope Jensen doesn’t want to discuss it all privately, without Jared. He knows that this is all about Jensen, not Jared, but the thought of Jen wanting to handle something this huge all by himself breaks his heart.—Jen is dozing the afternoon away when there’s a soft knock on his door. Jared answers it softly and smiles at dr. Novak who opens the door and peeks in.-Babe, dr. Novak’s here, he turns to tell Jensen gently as his husband groggily blinks his eyes open and twitches his head slightly towards the door. -Do you feel like waking up?Jen blinks once, as a yes, and starts to slowly climb towards alertness while Jared takes his water cup with a straw ready and dr. Novak comes in, closing the door softly after him. The doctor waits discreetly as his patient drinks, his husband holding the cup and tilting the straw for him, his attentive eyes not leaving his lover for a second.When Jensen is ready and resting again on his pillows, Jared holding his wrist tenderly, dr. Novak decides it's a good time to start. He steps closer and clears his throat, using his sleeve instead of his palm to cover his mouth.-I’m happy to see you awake and alert, Mr. Ackles, he starts, and both husbands smile at him politely. -It means you have turned a significant page on your recovery. However, we’re not going to leave you on your own even now although your every breath won’t soon be monitored anymore.The doctor takes Jen’s chart, skims it and stops for a minute to read the newest notes.-Looks good, Mr. Ackles, he remarks. -Your counts are behaving nicely. May I?He takes the stethoscope and warms the bell inside his hand, taking it gingerly to Jensen’s chest at his nod.-Just breathe like you normally do, he instructs. -No need to distress your lungs by taking deep breaths. You’re still recovering.Jensen does as told, his eyes closing and brow scrunching from effort although the doctor just told him to take it easy. Jared is about to ask what it's about, when the doctor retreats and puts the stethoscope back into his pocket.His eyes then land into his patient, investigating.-How’s it going otherwise? He asks. -You still have a rebreather mask, is it working for you?Jared looks at Jensen, frowning when the man tries to grunt an answer.-You may also nod or blink, if it feels easier, dr. Novak says instantly. -One for yes, two for no. How about that?Jensen closes his eyes and nods once, and Jared smiles relieved, mouthing a silent “thank you” for the doctor, who nods back with a smile.-That’s good to hear, he says. -Your SATS are keeping on nicely. However, we'll keep you with the rebreather the mask and monitor you closely. We also expect you to tell one of us instantly if you find shortness of breath or any kind or discomfort when breathing, alright?Jensen nods, again once, and dr. Novak glances at Jared shortly. Jared swallows, knowing what’s about to happen.-Now, I didn’t come here only for an exam, Mr. Ackles, he says. -I’m in an understanding that you have told your husband you’d like to know more about your injuries and what has happened while you’ve been here. Am I correct?Jensen nods. -I do, he rasps softly, not interrupted by Jared’s concerned frown as he speaks. It’s painful, sure, but he needs to know. And how will he do that if he can’t say anything? Surely he can’t expect his doctor being fluent in ASL.Dr. Novak nods, taking a stool under the bedside table and sitting down, laying his hands on his lap.-And I got it right that you want your husband present as we talk?Jensen smiles softly, glancing at Jared and hoping he could squeeze his hand that’s resting on top of his wrist.-Yes.Jared smiles back, his eyes shiny and moist.The doctor nods again, letting his eyes meet both men in turn.-Remember, you can stop me and ask questions or clarifications any time, he says. -I’m here for you. I have forty-five minutes reserved for this, and if you want to speak more, we can arrange another time. Alright?Again, both men nod, and the doctor starts. -So, Mr. Ackles.-Please.Jensen’s voice is nothing but a rasp, but his throat feels immediately like scraped with a wire brush, and he tastes the blood as he tries to swallow. He closes his eyes, feeling the tears bursting from them.-Babe? He hears Jared’s concerned voice, feels the straw tickle his lips and lets it in, washing his mouth and trickling down his burning throat, soothing the pain. Jared’s voice soothes him all through it, and the touch of Jared’s fingertips on his wrist feels so good that he wants to weep.There’s a silence for some time, a blissful time of rest, but then Jared’s words draw him back to the present.-Baby, we can do this some other time if you need to rest.No, no no. This is important. Jensen struggles his eyes open, and he sees his husband in front of him, his eyes deep, solemn, concerned. Behind him, there is dr. Novak. Jensen sighs inwards in relief, sticks his tongue out and blinks slowly. It’s daunting, but he has to know.Jared sighs and rubs his husband’s hand softly. -Alright, right when you're ready, he says. -I can interpret what you sign.Oh, yes. That's something Jensen didn’t even think about earlier. He nods, relieved. The signing hurts his hands, but it's definitely less painful than trying to speak.He concentrates, taking his time before he starts to sign slowly.-It’s Jensen, Jared interprets for the doctor with a soft voice. He sounds so gentle, almost broken, and Jensen wants to reassure him, telling him that it’s alright. But the need to know is overwhelming, and he knows he hasn't much time before he needs rest again.Dr. Novak smiles softly. -Alright. Jensen, he says, to Jared’s great astonishment, without a hitch. Jared has really started to believe the doctor to be physically unable to call the people around him by their first names.-You were brought here on January 27th, and I have supervised your care since then, the doctor starts to tell, calm and even. -Now we are living on March 6th. All this time I’ve been your appointed doctor here in the Burns ICU. What I’m going to tell you I have done myself or testified with my own eyes. However, I also have the paramedic’s raport here to start with, just in case you’d like to know what happened before you came under my supervision.Jensen nods, his eyes strangely vehement. This time he signs without even an attempt to speak first, and Jared translates. -Yes, please.Dr. Novak opens the manila folder and takes couple of papers out. -I'll read straight from your folder, if it's alright, Jensen, he says. -The text might sound disturbingly clinical at places, but it means you'll hear the details as they were, without my description coming into the way.Jensen nods, and the doctor starts to read. -A 44-year-old male patient, a firefighter on duty, was activated as a Level 1 trauma alert after being involved in a warehouse building explosion with resultant fire.Jared closes his eyes for a second. The doctor’s even, soft voice, Jen’s blank face and the medical equipments' voices as a background for the doctor speaking make him feel a little claustrophobic. It feels so overwhelming to hear those clinical words and know that they are telling what happened to Jen just a little more than a month ago. The happenings that almost killed him, almost made Jared a widower just before his 40th birthday.-He was already dug out from the partly collapsed building by SAR — that's short fort Search and rescue team — when paramedics got to the scene, the doctor says, continuing his gloomy monologue. -The patient was awake but severely disorganized with clear signs of smoke inhalation like ash and soot on his face, burnt nasal hair, burn injuries on face and throat area and severe coughing. Significant thermal injuries were spotted right on the scene. He was intubated pre-hospital for airway protection out of concern for inhalation injury with facial burns. The IV connection was also opened right on scene to prevent the loss of fluids and hypermetabolia.Jensen sighs sharply, and Jared rubs his fingertips quickly over his husband’s wrist, an instinctive gesture of support. Dr. Novak lifts his face and looks at the two men with a question in his eyes. Jared glances at Jensen, lying eyes closed but not giving a single hint of wanting to stop, so he nods timidly.-Initial evaluation revealed a young — middle-aged man, orally intubated, mildly tachycardic, moderately hypertensive…, the doctor lets his eyes fly along the lines, quiet for a second, - with readily apparent burns to the lower arms and lower legs as well as full-thickness burns needing an escharotomy in several areas of neck and torso. Secondary survey and imaging revealed no further injuries and no internal hemorrhage.Dr. Novak’s eyes move forward as he is reading further in silence. Then he lifts his eyes from the paper, looking at both men blinking back at him blank and severe.-I left out some medical jargon and numbers, but that’s all that’s said about you in the ambulance papers, Jensen, he says softly, not wanting to break too harshly the somehow brittle seeming silence. -If you wish for me to go on right away, I will move on to my own part, which I’m able to tell more and also answer your questions. Unless you have some already?Jensen twitches uncomfortably, and Jared’s eyes shoot at him, concerned, rubbing his wrist softly. Jensen lifts his hands gingerly, his movements even slower this time, the signs further in between. Jared turns the gestures into words for the doctor.Jensen starts and stops, looking for his words, his eyes roaming anxiously from the doctor to the ceiling and back.-Feel free to ask, Jensen, dr. Novak assures. -I’ll answer every question I can, and if I can’t, I can consult my colleague in the ER.-Take your time, babe, Jared whispers, seeing Jen struggling. -He’s here for us.Jen breathes softly. He blinks, takes a long inhale, starts again. Jared interprets, his voice thick with emotion.-So, I… was conscious at first, he says, stopping after every word, waiting patiently for new ones. -And then unconscious?-Yes, that’s how it’s said here, dr. Novak says, skimming the paper. -You went quickly into a burn shock. That occurs when you lose a lot of fluids from your body when your skin is suddenly not there protecting it. Several IV lines were opened for you right at the scene, giving you blood and other fluids, but you deteriorated quickly. That’s why you were transferred here in a helicopter, to get you here as soon as possible.He stops there, feeling sorry for his listeners and wanting to give them a breather or a chance to say that this is enough for now, thank you. Jensen closes his eyes again, but his husband seems like he wants to say something. The doctor turns a little, meeting the taller man’s anguished gaze straight and confident but still soft and gentle.-You have a question as well, Mr. Padalecki?-Yes. Jared swallows and looks at Jen, who’s still laying with eyes closed. -You said Jensen did not have other injuries.-Yes, in addition to the burn related ones.Jared nods and fidgets. -What was the thing with his head then?Jensen jerks back alert. -Thing with my head?Jared’s hand goes right on Jensen’s pillow, beside his temple, soothing, and he shushes him gently. Jensen relaxes back against his pillows, now looking piercingly at the doctor.-That’s the part I want to tell you about myself, the doctor says, unbaffled. -It’s written here in quite thick medical jargon, but I’m sure you’d prefer layman’s terms.Two sharp nods, and the doctor keeps on. -You had a seizure during your transfer here, Jensen, he says. -There can be several reasons for that — sometimes it might be from the toxin inhalation or the brain swelling. A traumatic injury is also a possibility. Sometimes the reason is just the shock the body goes into with injuries this massive. As the time has now gone by, he says, daring to smile a little, — we have learned that you have no traumatic brain damage whatsoever.He stops to let the good news to absorb. -At first, however, traumatic brain injury was a real threat as you were found in a collapsed building, surrounded by debris and all kinds of house material, he keeps on after a minute. -The brain swelling you might have had has also cleared itself by now. So, the most probable reason for your seizure was a shock, resulting from your excessive injuries, strong fluid loss and a dramatic body heat change. All very typical in an injury like yours, Jensen.Jared nods, his expression strained. He lifts his hands again. -So… Everything’s good now at that front?The doctor answers the nod, smiling. -Everything’s good for now, yes.Jared nods as well, his eyes moving to look at his husband who’s looking ready to fall asleep. Dr. Novak nods back, watching the both men who have fallen into a silence.-So, gentlemen? He finally asks, glancing at the clock. -Any further questions, or should we move on to the ICU part?Jared looks at Jensen, clearly wanting the other man to decide for them both. Jen opens his eyes slowly. He looks pale and exhausted, but at the same time something is clearly nagging on him.-One more, he signs softly, and dr. Novak nods. -Steve…Jensen grimaces, clearly in pain, and Jared lays his hand on the man’s pillow soothingly. Jensen rests for a moment, but struggles then to get the right sign marks out ignoring Jared’s shushes.-Was he…? How…?Jared winces before the doctor can say a thing. -Jen, babe…Jensen shakes his head vehemently, not caring for the tears of pain or the harsh whimper the movement draws from him. He’s all awake again, and his eyes gaze at the doctor, desperate, begging.The doctor meets the gaze as calmly as he can. He speaks although Jared cries inside with all of his heart, his soul, for him not to.-Jensen, your work partner was brought here, it’s true. He was tended here with the best of our abilities, just like you. But, I’m so sorry to tell you that he couldn’t make it.Jensen looks at the doctor, freezing, not really grasping what he just heard.-Steve passed away, Jensen, the doctor says softly. -We made everything humanly possible, but his injuries were too grave for even the strongest of us to survive. My deepest condolences.Jensen closes his eyes, breathes in silence.-Jen… Jared’s eyes are empathetic, pooling with tears.The silence drags on all over the room, suffocating. When Jen signs, weak, fumbling, it’s like the hole ripping through the electricized air.-I knew… something happened to him. Jen looks blank, his eyes distant, looking at no-one in the room. -He’d have… have visited me, sent his hello with you, anything. He wouldn’t stay away this long.Jen closes his eyes, breathing. Then he sighs and turns towards the doctor. -So, I’ve been here now, for what? A month? How long to go?Jared reaches for his husband. -Jen…-Jay, please. It’s alright.Jensen’s eyes are calm, but empty, void of their light, and Jared wants to scream. Instead, he tries once more.-Jen.Jensen looks straight ahead, like he was hearing nothing, and Jared feels the despair fill him. This is not going right. Jensen can’t escape, not from him, not now when Jared just got him back.A soft movement on the doctor's side makes Jared look that way, and he sees dr. Novak, preventing him inaudibly, shaking his head barely noticeably. Jared swallows and returns with a similar, tiny nod.-You’ve been here a month and three days now, Jensen, the doctor says softly. -You’ve gone through a lot, and you have a long way to go, months at the least. But I’m happy to say that you’re finally coming out of the woods.Jensen closes his eyes slowly, and the silence seems to drag on and on. When he doesn’t open them again and Jared stays silent as well, the doctor finally stands up.-If that’s all you want to ask for now, he says, sounding apologizing, - I’m sorry, I need to get going. My colleague has hands more than full with the other patients. But I’m ready to come back whenever you feel that you want to speak some more or ask about Jensen’s care. There is also support available for you, both of you. Just ask me or any of the nurses.Jared stands as well, going to the door with the doctor. Dr. Novak smiles at him once more, then he looks at his patient, seemingly slumbering. -That was hard, but it was necessary, he says softly, only for Jared to hear. -Thank you for seeing the reason.Jared returns the smile only barely. -We’ll see, he says. -Thank you, dr. Novak.—That evening, Jensen is very quiet. He’s also very calm though, so Jared doesn’t feel overly concerned about it. Jen’s eyes are blurry and aching, some late effect of the fire once more, so they don’t open the tv but Jared speaks softly about everything and nothing, letting Jen doze when his eyes close indicating the need.The next day, all day is full of Jen’s treatment and therapy. This time, his tank turn — the showering after which Jensen is always red all over, drugged to his gills, achy and exhausted — is the first thing the morning, followed by his passive PT exercises on his bed and active ones that consist of the small, almost unseeable movements of his arms and legs as well as some breathing exercises. The lunch and bandages changings take their sweet time as well, and today there is some procedure related to Jen’s catheter which Jared declines to see, thank you very much, and it’s five in the afternoon when Jensen has time for only himself and Jared.-Today I tried on those new splints for my hands, Jen tells Jared as his husband is feeding him his dinner, creamy salmon and vegetables broth with toast.The eating is still very slow and hard for Jensen, but they are both getting used to it. It’s not like Jensen eats very big portions these days, and they agree with Danneel and Jen’s nutritional therapist he has met from the day he started to move from the IV eating towards real foods that it’s always better to eat by himself than have some nutritional gruel annosteltu straight to his NG tube. -Missouri comes to put them on before I go to sleep.-That’s nice, Jared states happily. -These are the ones made by your personal measurements?Jensen nods, looking content. -Yes. These should sit like a glove.Jensen’s rehabilitation has proceeded so that he’s starting to have equipment designed straight to him. One day, there was a man visiting Jen with measuring tape and a pile of forms, and Jen was checked all over and his own pressure clothing was put to an order.The clothing would be something Jen would start soon to wear under his own clothes. It would be for months, even years to come, and they should support his skin and scars recover better. Jared isn’t quite sure, but he assumes that these new splints Jen’s talking about are something similar.He will ask about that sometime later. Right now, he will just enjoy of their relaxed and nice time together. It feels almost normal, and it feels so nice.
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
-Bye, honey. We'll call you.Jared looks from the other side of the window as Donna crouches down to kiss his youngest son's temple, wiping her tears as she steps away and lets Alan closer. She says something else as well, something Jared decides not to read from her lips, before she gives her husband his change to say bye. At that encounter, Jared turns away.The goodbye of father and son feels too intimate for him to see. He wouldn’t have wanted anyone to look at him back in the day when it was him, saying his goodbyes to father. The happy side about today is that both Jensen and Alan are alive.Jensen's parents would have wanted to stay longer, but Alan's vacation — the one they were planning to spend with their sailboat somewhere thousands of miles away — is coming to an end and they need to head home. Donna tried to prolong her stay a bit, but finally they decided it couldn't be done. She had some appointments waiting as well. The fact doesn’t make it any easier though.Jared sees Danneel further in the hall, unpacking some huge storage trolley, and decides to distract himself from the heartbreaking scene that makes him gloomy as well. Danneel welcomes his help, and together they empty the heavy boxes from the trolley to the cart. -Is Jensen feeling ready for the transfer? Danneel asks conversationally after the suitable polite phrases and a brief silence. -He hasn't really commented it, Jared says. -Actually, I needed to ask about it. After he wanted to hear about the accident, I have waited for him to say something. Like, if I were told something like that, I would ponder it back and forth, maybe want to know something more. But he hasn't said anything, hasn’t shown any kind of feeling. It is unnerving.Danneel pushes a box to the cart, huffs and stops to take a breather. Her eyes are thoughtful as they land to Jared.-Are you certain that he remembers what he's been told? She asks.-What?-Jensen is still under a heavy load of multiple medicines, Danneel explains. -Even one opioid-based medicine can affect to a person's ability to remember, and Jensen has several on his regimen, not to mention the anxiolytics and other drugs. -So, why did dr. Novak agree to tell him then?-To soothe him and appreciate his wish to know.Danneel takes a new box, this time moving it easily.-Recovery isn't just a physical thing, Jared, she says. -It's very much mental too. It's a process, and the door is now ajar, so to speak. The first steps are fumbling and they might result to a fall, but they need to be taken. Jared sighs, turning his attention to the next box. He thought that he was prepared, thanks to all the web pages he has indulged, but it seems things in reality are going to be more complex than he thought. —That evening, when Jensen has succumbed to a sleep after all the strains of the day — his treatments, tank, PT sessions and goodbyes — Jared steps out of the ward, already pressing his phone for his mom’s number. Sherri Padalecki is awake this time, knowing to wait for his younger son’s call, and her voice is warm and loving as he picks the call.-Mom, Jared says, sighing in relief as the burden on his shoulders seems to ease just by the power of one of the first voices of his life. -Hi.-Hi, mom replies. -How are you, baby? And Jensen? You sound more in peace than the last time.-I am, Jared complies, taking the chair at the empty hall and sitting on it. -Jensen is awake now, and we have talked some.-But Jared, how wonderful! Sherri exclaims happily. She’s most probably sitting in Dad’s office behind the closed doors as she doesn’t even try to shush her voice, Jared notices.He hums compliantly. -Yeah.-Is he still in the ICU?-Yes. He’s in a strict surveillance still. We don’t know how long until he can get out of there.Sherri is silent for a moment. She can hear the sadness in her son’s voice, and it makes her heart ache. -It means that he’s taken care of well, though, she says softly. -His doctors are ready to do everything for him to get better again. Try to concentrate on that, okay, honey?Jared blinks rapidly and finally closes his eyes. -Yeah, he breathes. -I just miss him, mom. So much.-I know you do, honey. She falls silent, but Jared can still hear her soft breathing, and he takes a comfort in the sound.-Is Jensen awake, honey? mom asks eventually. -Can you speak with him?Jared clears his throat. -He is, he says. -He’s very tired though, so he’s being awake only minutes at a time. He signs to me, and I answer with words. It’s slow and frustrating sometimes, but yeah, it’s speaking, kind of.Sherri’s voice is smiling. -Signs? That’s kind of witty. Now you get to use your childhood boy scout knowledge.-Yeah. Jared chuckles softly. -I didn’t even remember his godmother was deaf. And I don’t have the slightest idea how he remembers another language under all those drugs he's having. I guess I need to ask him later.They both stop to think about it. What will 'later' mean in Jensen’s case? Is it weeks? Or months? Jared has no idea, and he doesn’t dare to google for it. He stopped the information searching from the internet when he searched “weaning from the ventilator complications” and found too much information for even a knowledge geek like himself.-Alright, so how’s it going at home? Jared finally asks, glancing at the clock. -They let me back to Jen in ten.—-Th’ks, J’. Jensen closes his eyes, sighing in relief as Jared spreads the cooling cream over one of Jen’s superficial burns on the inside of his upper arm. The ICU personnel are doing most of Jensen’s actual care, and Jared wouldn’t ever dream of getting involved in it. There are some lighter tasks though, and with those the personnel have encouraged Jared to do his part. Which Jared does, more than willingly.-No need to thank me, you goofus, he smiles gently. -It’s all part of the package.Jensen’s eye corners crinkle slightly — his version of a smile now that the act of really moving his lips causes him too much pain — as he already drifts off. God, Jared misses that million watt smile. As he does so many things — Jensen’s soft, raspy voice that has lost its vibrancy and color with his trachea burns, Jen’s silent and uncanny sense of humor that has buried somewhere under the layers of injuries, exhaustion and uncertainty.Jensen continually sleeps almost all the time, or that’s what Jared feels. Jen’s doctor has explained it as a late-effect of excessive carbon monoxide inhale Jensen suffered when he was trapped in the building waiting for SAR. Other symptoms out of it have cleared off but neurologic symptoms, exhaustion and confusion amongst them, can stay for longer, dr. Novak has told.Jensen is out of the ventilator now, but he still has a plastic mask with a bag — rebreather mask is what dr. Novak called it — aiding his breathing although he despises it and almost never puts it on voluntarily. Usually Jared does it when Jensen has fallen asleep, and he never bitches about it to Jared as he wakes up, too incoherent to remember who put it on and why. Small mercies.Jared puts the glass back to the small table beside Jensen’s bed and settles to look at his husband’s slumber. The wide sortiment of drugs luckily seems to keep him comfortable. Jensen has told him that the superficial, recuperating burns are the most painful. In his own words, he feels the pain all the time, but the constant pain is quite easy to endure. It’s the breakthrough pain from the sudden movements, like swallowing and coughing, or pain of being treated that are the worst.Jensen hasn’t allowed Jared to take part in his treatments so far. They have talked about it though. It’s the burns ward’s policy to not to let visitors in during the bathing or wound cleaning processes — it’s not all about the privacy, but also a question of hygiene and confined spaces in the patient rooms — but during the PT training Jensen could let Jared stay if he wanted. Jen hadn’t wanted it yet, and Jared does his best to not to feel hurt because of it.There are so many reasons Jensen would hesitate in letting Jared in — in letting anyone in, really. Jensen could feel insecure about his new appearance. He could want to shelter Jared from seeing his lover’s burns exposed or the amounts of pain he is in. He might just feel overwhelmed about the prospect of so many people in his small room at once, and because of that, even only one person more — no matter how close to him — could cross the line from the situation from being uncomfortable to him to turning into simply unbearable.A soft knock sounds from the door, and Jared turns to look at who’s coming. When Jensen is here alone, the nurses come and go without a knock, just staying as silent as possible to give Jensen a chance to rest whenever he is able to find it, but Jared being with him they always respect the husbands’ privacy with a knock.-Come in, Jared calls softly, turning to check that the voice didn’t arouse Jensen. The man grunts and shifts slightly, but doesn’t stir, and Jared sighs inwards with relief.The door opens, and Jensen’s appointed nurse peeks in. The nurse taking care of Jensen most of the time now is Lisa, a brunette in her thirties, long, wavy hair and playful smile. She steps in at Jared's tiny nod and checks Jensen’s monitors and chart for starters. Then she steps close to Jen’s bed, evaluating his demeanor.-How are you two doing? she asks Jared, whispering, as she sees that Jensen hasn’t stirred in spite of the commotion around him. Jensen has suffered from insomnia due to his pain and probably also his mental state, and they all want to grant him his sleep when he has finally managed to get some.-Jen had some water and cream to his skin a while ago, and then he fell asleep, Jared explains, and Lisa leans closer to look at the spots in Jen’s upper arm Jared has taken care of.-They’re starting to look better, Lisa encourages softly. -Did he flinch when you spread the cream?-No, he actually thanked me.Lisa smiles at that. -It’s nice to hear, she says. -It’s possible the most superficial burns in his hands and arms are starting to heal so that they’re not so painful anymore. If that’s so, it’s a very good indication of all of his body’s ability to start to recover from the shock and start the recuperating processes all over his system. But let’s let the doctor be a judge of that.Jared smiles back at the nurse. Finally something good in Jen’s condition.Jensen is residing at BICU’s sister unit now, but as it is attached to the actual Burns ICU, Jen’s doctor is continually dr. Novak. The two units are separated only by a set of glass doors, a pressure chamber and some seals between them to keep the both wards on their own separate air conditioning to keep the bacteria and stuff from spreading.The Burn Unit 2 is a whole different place compared to the Burns ICU Jensen has spent over a month in. In the ICU, the patient rooms were strictly segregated with their own AC’s, halls and sealed doors, no-one going in except the appointed doctors, nurses and the limited few of the patients’ closest family, who were also wearing some kind of protective clothing during visiting the patients. Here in the Burn Unit 2, Jared actually has seen patients up and about, many of them taking short strolls around the corridors with nurses’ or PT's help.The difference in the atmosphere is so clear that he noticed it right from the start, the first time when he walked on the corridor with the personnel and his husband, protectively beside Jensen’s bed all the way as he was moved to his new room. Jen was being sedated to keep him calm and comfortable during the transfer, and as Jared didn’t have his lover awake to soothe and concentrate on, he actually looked around as they entered the unit.Whereas the ICU was at the same noisy with all the whooshing, beeping and clicking of the machines, occasionally disturbed by alarm on some of the patient cubicles, it was simultaneously eerily quiet of sounds of living. The patients being mostly sedated, their loved ones silenced by shock, worry and sadness and personnel talking in whispers, the unit felt almost like a parallel universe where you got sucked in and felt overwhelmed once getting out.Burn Unit 2 feels almost the opposite of that. Jared noticed as he was asked to step out of Jen’s room to give the orderlies and nurses time to get Jen in and settled that here the doors to patient rooms are sometimes ajar when the nurses go in and out of them, even occasional sounds of chatter wafting out. That is something that never happened in the ICU.The walls have colors and paintings on them, reminiscing that there are people in here who actually may stop to pay attention to them. There is even a small but cozy lounge at the end of the long main corridor where the patients with good enough condition are able to meet each other or sit with their friends and families.However, for starters, Jensen will be staying in a private room close to the door leading back to the ICU, and he’s still having a lot of equipment moving along with him. Somehow Jared feels soothed by the proximity of the intensive care facilities and the fact that Jen still has much stuff with him to support his recovery. The heaviest machines, like heart monitor and ventilators, are left behind to his former room as his pulse has regulated, the heart palpitations growing wider and wider apart during the weeks and finally stopping altogether.Jen still has his mask and a rack full of drips though, and his blood pressure and temperature are measured hourly. Blood works are now taken from the greater veins on his legs, and he has his catheter still on to make him stay comfortable and take the measurements needed from there.Dr. Novak comes to visit them some hours after Jensen’s moving. Lisa has left the room, wishing them a pleasant evening as there will be a whole new nurse for Jen on the night shift, and Jared has followed his husband’s restful face since then. Jen woke up from the sedation all okay, but he has remained sleepy after it, drifting in and out as Jared sits with him. He has been told that Jen’s sedation will wean off properly during the night and he will wake up wholly alert by the morning, but for now he’s still slumbering the remains of drugs out of his system, and Jared grants him the rest with gladness.-Are you comfortable here in your new room? the doctor asks after the regular “how do you do’s” and checking from Jensen’s demeanor and his chart that all is as well as supposed to be.-I think Jensen hasn’t formed an opinion yet as he hasn’t really woken up, Jared answers, and the doctor smiles at the careful levity he hears in the words. -I had a little time to get to know the place though, and I think it seems nice. There’s much more activity in the corridors, and the lounge is a nice idea.The doctor nods. -This is a unit where we start to activate our patients more, he says. -According to their respective conditions, naturally. I expect to see Jensen taking his first steps here in these corridors this or the next week, if his recovery goes as expected.Jared’s eyes go wide. -So soon? he breathes.Dr. Novak chuckles softly. -Yes, he states decisively. -Jensen has had daily PT sessions from when he came here and was stabilized and settled, and from Kim and Linda I have heard that he’s been making quite a nice progress there.The doctor flashes a soothing smile. - The earlier we get the patients up the better, he reassures. -Being up and about contributes to the recovery tremendously. Even as little as being able to visit the bathroom with your own feet can work miracles to your mindset, and it’s what’s needed as the recuperating proceeds and finally convalescence starts.Jared’s mind is full of thoughts as the doctor leaves. Jensen has seemed so brittle in the ICU, and even now, as he sleeps off his sedative-induced exhaustion, it’s so hard to picture him sitting up on his bed, not to mention taking the steps to take a leak or visiting the lounge to watch some tv. Surely, Jared knows that it will be baby steps and a long road — in the corridor, many of the patients he saw used walking aids or leaned heavily on one or two people's support, some of them sitting after not so much as a one step and gathering their breaths — but still. It feels like yesterday when Jensen was fighting for his life, struggling to breathe properly for God’s sake, and now his doctor thinks he would be ready for walking?So help us God, is the only thought Jared can calm himself with as he sits beside his resting husband in a room that starts to dim slowly in the afternoon turning to evening.—-Jensen?Jensen open his eyes, and his first thought is a confused Where am I? until he sees the white roof, hears the door closing and shoes squeaking against the floor. Yes, the hospital. Something bad has happened, and he’s here because of it. The thought goes through his mind without stirring any feeling, not leaving any trace, like an unknown bypasser quickly running through a city square in a heavy rain.He blinks his eyelids, heavy and itchy, and wonders why his mouth tastes like a grave.-Jensen?The same voice speaks and it comes closer. Jensen twitches his head to the side. It’s a hard move, like his head was heavy and something would be preventing it, but Jensen wants to see. The white roof makes him ache for something else. Color, movement. People.-Good morning, Jensen. I’m Lisa, you may remember me. Are you comfortable?The dark brown hair and chocolate brown eyes emerge to Jensen’s line of sight, and he squints his eyes. It’s his equivalent of a smile. Moving his lips hurts too much. Moving his eyes hurts too, but it’s different, more sufferable.Lisa he does remember. Sometimes her face mixes up with a different one, red hair and fox-like, green eyes. Jensen doesn’t know why, but he knows Lisa, he knows that he knows. Maybe the red-haired one is from his dreams. Those are so confusing anyway.Lisa takes the breathing mask away from his face, with soft, gentle hands. Jensen likes Lisa’s hands. They never do anything without telling why or asking first, and if they hurt him, she always apologizes.-Let’s train your breathing a little, she says encouragingly. -Just let the air flow in and out from your lungs. Don’t try to push it. Tell me right away if you start to feel uncomfortable.Then there is a sponge on his lips, and he parts them just enough to let the thing slide in. The water refreshes him, takes the horrible taste and makes it weaker, more bearable. He doesn’t swallow, just lets the water stay inside his mouth, lets it caress the aching mucosa there, relieving the pain.-Would you like to spit it out?There’s a plastic mug in front of him, and he opens his mouth, the liquid drawing a burning path along his chin. Jensen feels his eyes grow teary with the pain of the sensation, but then Lisa pats it dry with something soft, so soft it almost doesn’t hurt at all.Lisa keeps on her tasks, going around Jensen’s bed. Jensen lets his eyes slip close, the soothing blabber of the nurse lulling him into a doze. Lisa stays for a long time, but she doesn’t make Jensen stay awake for her. It’s nice.Jensen winces and blinks awake. This time his question Where am I? gets its answer right away as he hears Lisa talking animatedly. Her voice sounds from somewhere down Jensen’s legs, and his head doesn’t move far enough to see her, but her steps go further and there’s a flush of a toilet, and then the voice is closer again and there's a snap of gloves.Jensen grimaces. For that he could very well have kept asleep.-Are you in pain, Jensen? Did I hurt you?Lisa’s eyes are concerned, and Jensen twitches his head to the side. No. Lisa smiles, relieved.-Good, she says. -Sometimes the clip on the leg bag of the catheter is a little tight, she explains. -It might pinch. But I’m glad that it didn’t.Was that why I woke up, Jensen ponders lazily.-It’s okay if you sleep, Lisa soothes. -I’m almost ready. Then you’ll have your pain medication, and in fifteen minutes, Linda will be with you.Jensen drifts off once more. The sleep is so inviting. There’s no constant ache, no twinges of pain, in the sleep. He frowns inwards, wondering why didn’t he fell asleep earlier. It’s so good, so…The airplane, rolling around on its axis in the air and burning, a heavy cloud of smoke following on its wake, comes closer to him with unfathomable speed. His feet are stuck on the ground, he can’t move, can’t as much as wince. His mind fills with panic, and his mouth opens but it’s full of smoke, so full he can’t get a whimper out. The plane approaches, approaches…-... And then his teacher told him that school’s not a place for that kind of activities, Lisa says, gentle amusement in her voice.Jensen winces harshly, and the nurse stops her task, her brow furrowing in concern.-Jensen, you hurting? She asks. -Here, let me adjust your pain medicine.Jensen sighs. He’s in a hospital, again, and there’s Lisa, spreading some cream on his inner arm. Jensen feels the coolness there, the tingling that’s peculiar but not agonizing.-N-nnnuhhhh, he grunts at the nurse. -’m ‘k.Lisa turns from the rack she’s already arranging, a delighted smile on her eyes, lighting up all her face. -There you are, she states, sounding happy.Jensen frowns before he remembers he shouldn’t. -’m ‘ere ‘ll the tim’.Lisa comes to him, spreading the sheet gently over his form. -Yeah, she says softly. -How are you doing now, Jensen? Is there anything I can do for you before I let you catch your breath prior to your tank and PT?Jensen hears himself speak, not sure what he’s going to say though. -Stay, he begs, a bout of sudden fear washing over him. He doesn’t want the airplane. He just wants to rest. -Tell m’... whhh-y ‘m ‘ere?Lisa sits back down, taking her hand beside Jen’s so that he feels the warmth in it, but not touching.-You were in an accident, Jensen, she tells him softly. -It was bad. But you are getting better. We all here take care of you.Jensen sighs, his eyes roaming to the roof and then closing. Lisa sits there, right beside him, watching him sleep, until his PT raps at the door.—The new PT, Linda, is enthusiastic. Jensen’s not sure how to feel about it. He choose to remains passive but not objecting as the lets her do her thing.-Alright, now I will incline the head of your bed, Jensen, Linda explains, the bed remote on her hand. -Tell me right away if you start to feel uncomfortable, alright. We’ll do this little by little, to help your body adjust to being upright again. It’s crucial that it’s not done too quickly. So, no standing the dizziness or headache, okay? We want your blood pressure to stay even.Jen blinks his eyes. Okay. He instinctively holds his breath as the head of his bed start to move upwards.-No holding your breath, Jensen, Linda instructs perkily. -We don’t want you to feel dizzy, remember? Just breathe, as naturally as you can. In and out, with your own speed.She leaves the remote, comes closer to him, guiding him through some calm breaths. Jensen huffs inside his head. Is he now incapable of breathing? The one thing he has been doing since the moment he was born?Linda’s hands move slowly along Jensen’s body, touching and maneuvering his limbs one at a time. Jensen lets the soft speech flow past his hearing, trying to drown himself into a cloud he knows is a drug meant to keep him comfortable. It doesn’t take it all away though, the twinges of pain attacking him and running along his body, stinging, burning. Linda stops every time Jensen tenses, his breath hitching. His own voice, dragging tiredly from his mouth he knows is open, sounds weird.But Linda doesn't seem baffled by it. Her hands are away the moment Jensen wails, her soft voice saying words Jensen can't understand, his brain stuck in a same, torturing loop. Help. Please, let this stop. Help, please help me. He’s not sure if he says it aloud, but Linda seems to answer, and soon the wave of dizziness washes over Jensen, raising him up to ride the wave, away from the hard ground.-Now, strain your calves as tightly as you can, Linda says, sitting by Jensen's bed and watching him keenly. She’s not touching him now, and Jensen can take the pace himself, so it feels all kinds of better.He does as Linda says, gritting his teeth as the pain peeks almost immediately.-Stop when you feel any discomfort, Linda says encouragingly. - Our goal is to strengthen your muscles little by little, not to challenge your pain threshold. Well done. Now breathe.Jensen closes his eyes, taking in a long gulp of air meanwhile Linda moves a bit lower with her wheel stool. Breathing is almost painless now, there is only a small irritation when Jensen breathes very deep, so that’s what he tries to actively avoid.-Strain your foot against my hand, Linda instructs, and Jensen wincest as the cool palm touches his naked foot.Jensen is all naked, he has just noticed it. Lisa says it helps with tending to him, but he can always ask for another sheet or blanket if he feels cold, and all the people touching him always cover him afterwards. If Jensen is all honest, he couldn't care less. The most important thing to him is that he’s not feeling like dying all the time.-Picture that you’re taking a step on a deep mud, Linda keeps on softly. - A slow and stretching movement, think of your leg like a drawstring. No further than feels good. Well done. Then another.Jensen lets his eyes reach the roof, lets his sight go blurry. There are stars blinking in his line of sight. Stars, Jensen thinks. Stars are outside.Stars are in the sky when they sit on their backyard, Jared and him, beers in their hands. Jared’s teeth are so white, his smile is like the sun. Of course I do, he says.-Now, relax your legs, let me straighten them all the way, Linda says. -Say stop when it starts to feel bad. Not too much.Jared was wearing a moss green shirt then, Jensen remembers. It had long sleeves, and Jared's muscles met the fabric, slightly stretching it in the most beautiful places.-Good, now, wiggle your toes. Good for you.Jared has his hair all wet, they have just come from swimming at the beach. Beautiful day, friends, beachvolley, drinks. And the dazzling sun of Jensen’s newly engaged fiance.-And now, we're done. Good work today, Jensen.He said yes, Jensen thinks, the happiness still making his breath catch. From all the people on this Earth, he chose me.
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
-Jared?There are deep brown hazel eyes, just like Jared's own, and middle-brown hair on a messy airplane hair-do framing the concerned looking face. Jared gulps the air in, suddenly all of the world's weight and relief washing over him. He staggers on his feet, and his baby sister takes a quick step forward, clasping her arms around Jared's middle, her palms extended towards his older brother's back.-Shush, now, Megan babbles a little nervously as Jared's frame almost crumbles on her, his face tilting forward to press on her hair.They stay a while like that, until Jared finds his footing again. He lets out a tiny chuckle and steps backwards, wiping his eyes feverishly.-My God, Meg, he says, stepping to the side to let her sister in. -This is a surprise. What, what are you doing here?-Mom told me, Megan tells him decisively, starting to fumble her massive trolley over the door edge. -She called all of us. It took a bit for me to arrange things back home though. Jared takes the handle of her luggage from her sister and shakes his head, baffled. -I appreciate this, don't think about anything else, he says. -But — how about your family? How's Brandon gonna make it without his mommy?Megan stops and sighs, straightening her back. -Brandon is three months old now, and he has his Papa and other grandparents near, she states with her no-nonsense voice. -Adam is all aboard with this, was from the very start. We just needed to do some planning.She takes a decisive step forward. -Jared, don't you worry about it, alright? I'm here now, and they'll be fine for some time.Jared stays still. -But -, he tries.Megan stops too, lifting her hands on her waist. -Don’t 'but' me, Jared, she says warningly. -Mom is far too discreet and trusting, otherwise she would be here too in a flash. But she listened to you, believed when you said to her that you would be fine. My ass. I remember our first two years in L.A. You would have died of hunger before you learned there has to be schedules for eating too.Megan measures her older brother with her lips a tight line, but her eyes soft. -Tell me, she says, -when have you actually eaten? Vending machine crap doesn’t count.Her eyes take Jared in, from head to toe, and her expression softens as she reaches to rub Jared's arm. -You look dreadful, Frog, she says gently, and Jared chuckles at the childhood nickname with a thickness on his throat.Megan smiles at him, turning to look around the room. -It looks like you could use a bit of help as well, she says. -Let me guess — you probably have lived these weeks in a hospital. And I get it, big guy. I'd have done that too. Let me help where I can.Jared closes his eyes, letting out a long sigh. -You won, Weasel, he says softly. -I guess you've made up your mind?Megan hums, makes a face with her teeth out on display and tiptoes to hug Jared once more. -Shall we go in then? she asks.—-Good morning, Jensen, Kimberly Rhodes greets her client chirpily. -What would you think of sitting up today?Jensen turns his head towards his physical therapist, nodding tightly with a smile on his eyes. They have spoken about this, and Jensen has had his time to get ready. He feels positively terrified but also so done with lying down and watching the others move his body. He wants to get down to business. Kim returns the smile, taking her hands off her patient’s calves that she's been massaging the last and turns to wash her hands and take some pillows. She has grown to like the man she's been working with since the day he was admitted to the Burns ICU. The first weeks she worked with him, doing the position treatments and helped him in breathing without knowing if he was ever going to come back from his injuries. That's such a big part of working in an ICU — getting to know the patient's and their families, and that's what Kim loves in her job. Sometimes it's beyond hard, when the patients die without ever regaining consciousness and getting to know the people who work so hard to save them. Sometimes it's even harder, when a patient does well, there are hopes up high for their recovery and then there is some setback and they die. Still, the moments that carry Kim and all the others working here as well are when someone makes it to be discharged and there is a reason to celebrate.Since Jensen's waking up, they have formed a nice acquaintance. A big part of Kim's work is motivating — coaxing, basically — her more or less reluctant clients to dare to take their first steps on a road of physical recovery. Kim knows that far more often it's not the attitude of any kind but fear that builds up the barriers and makes people preferably stay in bed, and she has a bag of tricks to go around that fear. With clients like Jensen though it's usually more about holding their horses and reassuring them that easy does it.-Did you have a good night's sleep? Kim asks, taking a remote controller to Jensen’s bed, ready to whir the head side up and also lower the whole bed for easier standing. It's small talk,but it also tells her which gear to put on for the exercise. After a bad night it's better to take it easy. -First, I will make your bed the best possible for sitting purposes, she explains. -At this stage, we want to make it as easy as possible for you. Too easy is always better than too hard.Jensen nods, closing his eyes and taking a gulp of air in concentration.-Remember, even breaths, Kim instructs him soothingly. -I'll lift the bed at the same speed as the last time. Tell me right away if you feel bad, okay?Jensen nods, and Kim starts her work. Some people appreciate some chatter during the lifts, but Jensen has seemed to prefer silence during them. Kim does both.-Alright, she says when the bed is almost at the sitting position. -That went well.Jensen sighs and opens his eyes, following keenly as Kim takes the lapfuls of pillows she has brought with her to the room. -That part you knew, she says. -Now we enter unknown territory. I'll be your guide, don’t worry.The fineness of the metaphor goes lost on her client though. Jensen seems terrified, his eyes glued to his legs.-What, Jensen? She asks, gently. -My… Jensen seems distraught, gesturing at his legs, lying in front of him under a thin sheet, all bandaged. He lifts his better hand, the one he has thinner bandages on and less pain in moving it, and moves his thumb and forefinger towards each other.-Thin? Kim asks, understanding, and Jensen nods. -That’s the reason I'm here, Jensen. Our muscle mass, when we’re not moving, depletes rapidly. Me and Linda and the exercises have helped you maintain your muscles working during this time, but the actual mass we'll need to build back again.Jensen frowns, signing again. Kim knows only the very basics of some keyword signs, but the signs Jensen uses are quite logical. He extends his hand like in grabbing something from the air, then he takes his finger toward his chest and points at himself.-Get…you? Kim guesses, and Jensen nods.-I want, Jensen mouths. -E-xer-ci-ses. In my room.-You mean, you want to do exercises for yourself?Jensen nods again, determined. Kim smiles at him.-Let's see how today goes, she says. -Then I'll know what you can do by yourself.Jensen settles at that, and then they are ready for actual sitting up. Kimberly pads Jensen’s whole body with the pillows — basically every part of him that will move or get in touch with a surface — and goes through the process with him once again.Hug your pillows. Roll onto your side. Dangle your feet over the edge of your bed. Use your elbows to raise your upper body. Use your legs to pull yourself into a sitting position.Remember to exhale as you sit up.-I will be helping you all the time, she reminds him. -Don’t try to push yourself for anything that feels too bad. It hurts, but it shouldn’t hurt excruciatingly. Pain is our body’s safety system. Let's try to listen to it, okay?Jensen nods, bracing his jaws determinately. Kim returns the gesture, standing up.-Alright, you'll have a minute to rest, she says. -I'll fetch Lisa and then we'll start.—Jensen holds his eyes closed, trying to rest as Kim suggested. His ears are keen though, catching the slightest of voices around him in the room and even outside, and he has to struggle to keep his breathing even. -Hi, Jensen, Lisa's gentle voice says close to him. -I came to help Kim as we agreed. Is it still okay?Jensen hums softly, tired to stand the sting moving his neck causes. He hears the two ladies walking around his bed, feels them arranging the flat but soft pillows under his elbows, his thighs, against his sides. Finally, one pillow is placed on his chest.-Do these feel okay, Jensen? Kim's voice asks. -Not too hard?No. Jensen twitches his better hand in a sign, and Kim softly pats the pillow against his chest. -This is the pillow you can hold yourself, Jensen, she says. -Doing this, we aim at minimizing the tension and also the friction pain our hands might cause. Jensen mouths his understanding, and he hears Lisa taking a syringe out of her pocket. It's almost impossible sometimes how keen his hearing has become during the weeks he has felt too tuckered out to open his eyes and watch what’s done to him, still willing to know what’s going on. His hearing has almost become his first sense, that's how it feels sometimes. -I’m giving you a painkiller, Jensen, Lisa says right beside him. -It's not an opioid because we don’t want to drug you senseless. So, it won't set you high, but it’ll take the edge off. Then they wait, the ladies sitting on the both sides of Jensen’s bed, chatting softly as they wait. They try to engage Jensen into the conversation, but Jensen prefers silence. He doesn’t want to waste his strength in thinking and signing. After a moment, the continuous pain eases into a mild, barely noticeable sensation in the back of his mind, and he feels his chest relaxing so that it’s almost effortless to breathe. -Ten minutes gone, Kim says. -Are you ready, Jensen, or do you need some more time?
No. Let’s get down to it.
Kim and Lisa stand up and settle on the both sides of the bed. Kim tells softly what she’s doing, and Lisa assists.
Nice and easy, Jensen. Remember to breathe. Otherwise you can relax, let us do the work.
Jensen knows the process in theory, he and Kim have went it through several times during his exercises in bed. Still, it feels soothing to hear Kim’s voice, telling what is coming when. It works as a distraction as well, soothing the pain Jensen feels coming back right when his body is moved. -Doing good, Kim says. -Even breaths. You remember the acceptable level of pain, Jensen. Tell us if it exceeds that.
Even breaths. Even breaths. Even breaths.
Jensen’s knees are bent, his body turned on his side. Slowly, slowly. There are pillows under his thighs, softening the bed edge he feels under them. There are two arms under his chest, around his back, and he lets his weight rest on them. There’s nothing else he can do, the squeezing feeling almost asphyxiating him.
It’s just a feeling, Jensen. You can breathe. Don’t stop. In and out.
On three.
He clutches the pillow against his chest as he’s lifted upwards, the whole world tilting and whirling in front of his unseeing eyes. The nausea and dizziness is overwhelming. -That’s it, you’re up, Jensen, Kim’s voice says evenly. -How are you feeling?
Dying. Please kill me.
-Five seconds, Kim says, and then the world tilts again, turning into a grey. —When Jensen comes back to, there’s a familiar mattress under his back, a mask covering his face, feeding the blessedly cool air he gulps in with earnest. He hears several voices around him, wafting in the air without making a contact with his understanding. The pain is away, even the tiniest throbs, and he rests in the amazing feeling. His rest is not to last, though. -Jensen?That’s dr. Novak’s voice, soft but demanding, as it tends to be. -Jensen, are you awake?Jensen blinks his eyes, not really wanting to wake up but showing the doctor he hears him. Just right, the doctor’s voice turns content, maybe even relieved. -That’s good, the doctor says. -Just lay still. There are some wires on you, and some blood work is already taken. I want to gauge what’s happening that caused you to pass out on us. Jensen feels too tired to react, and luckily the doctor doesn’t expect him to. There are touches on his body, but he feels detached from them, like there were a soft comforter between him and the hands. The soft conversation keeps on around him, turning into a white noise in his ears that lulls him back to sleep.—Today, it's Lisa who comes to let Jared into the unit when he comes after lunchtime. -Jensen’s still resting, the nurse tells Jared softly as they walk forward. -Don’t fret. His PT today took an extra effort on him, and the tank after that was rough. He needed a sedative to pull through, but he's coming around. Just let him surface on his own speed, alright?Jared suppresses a frown, the cold band of terror instantly curling around his chest. PT and wound treatments are everyday for Jensen, and they are never easy for him. Lisa's special warning means that something unusual has happened. He doesn’t ask the nurse though — he has already learned that Jensen doesn't want his things spoken about when he's not around, now that he can communicate himself too. Asking the nurse about the happenings would just make her feel awkward and bad for nothing. Jared thanks the nurse and almost runs the last meters to Jensen’s room, Lisa giving him space. At the door, Jared almost collides the cart with bandage equipment and materials that stands right inside the door, a young blond nurse stepping hastily backwards on the other side. -Ohh, sorry, so sorry, Jared babbles and raises his hands in surrender. -I didn’t mean to crash you. The nurse smiles soothingly. -Not at all, she soothes. -I’m Emily, I came to cream and bandage Jensen’s wounds while he is resting and comfortable. -Thank you, Jared says warmly, thankful for the nurse’s empathy. -I’m Jared, Jensen’s husband. -Nice to meet you. -Yeah… Can… Can I go to him now? -Yes, of course. Emily steps out of the way, taking the cart with her. -He’s all ready and comfortable now. Just let him surface on his own speed. Jared nods, now wondering seriously what has happened when everyone he meets reminds him of letting Jen rest, like he was forcing his husband up when he comes anyway. He actually starts to feel a bit insulted for that.His irritation calms down though when he sees Jensen, slumbering without a sound in his bed.-Hi, babe, he whispers, brushing his lips gently on Jensen’s temple, careful not to wake him up. He sits on his chair, taking the magazine he brought in. His reading is not but a prop though, his attention shifting to Jensen every time he moves or lets out a soft, sleepy sound. Jensen wakes up so silently that Jared doesn’t notice it before he realizes Jensen’s half-open eyes looking at him. -There you are, he says happily, crouching to take the sponge from the glass on the table. -Did you sleep well?Jensen looks all exhausted, barely noticing the sponge until Jared moves it to his lips, just about opening up for Jared to slip the item in. His eyes close again as Jared moves the sponge gingerly around, taking it out after a moment. -You had it rough, did you? he asks gently, puttíng the glass away and taking Jensen’s hand. -It’s alright, just rest. I’m here. —-Passing out is very common for people who are lying on a bed for a long time, dr. Novak explains, warming the stethoscope head on his hands prior to listening to Jensen's chest. -Heart sort of forgets what to do on standing up so it's common to get a sudden drop in blood pressure when changing position or standing up. You were indicating chest pain as well, so I decided it wise to monitor your heart for a moment. That's why all the wires.Jared sits on Jensen’s bedside, holding his husband’s hands between his own, rubbing them softly. That is the touch Jensen can stand now as his hands are covered by the tension gloves, and that’s the touch Jared feels he direly needs to keep himself together. My husband has barely survived from the burn injuries , he thinks. Is he dying of a heart defect now? -What does it mean? Jared asks with a tiny voice. Heart issues totally seem like a bad thing, worse than bad. Detrimental.Dr. Novak turns towards him with a soothing smile. It’s probably meant to be reassuring, Jared knows it should, but right now it feels more like warning sign. Thats how the doctor must have smiled to Cynthia to before the news about Steve’s passing. -People like Jensen, with different medications, fluid shifts and so on are prone to arrhythmias, the doctor says, his eyes on Jensen. Arrhythmias, Jared thinks. Arrhythmias kill people. Even healthy people. What will it do to Jensen, who’s still barely out of the woods?-In a hospital setting where it is gauged swiftly it isn't dangerous, just very unpleasant. Dr. Novak ends his examination, covering his patient gingerly with the sheet. -Most probably you’ll be alright, Jensen. Just a day or two rest from straining activities. Because this was your first time, I want to make sure you'll make a full recovery from this before I release you back to your getting up exercises. We don’t need any additional bumps in the road, do we?Neither of the men react to the doctor’s words. In Jensen’s case, dr. Novak is not concerned. Jensen often keeps his distance when examined, coming back a bit later when all the poking and prodding is done and the doctor sits down, to talk with him as equals.In Jared, however, he notices something seriously off. Jensen’s husband is usually very active in these situations, asking questions and reacting at the doctor’s doings. But now, Jared sits beside Jensen’s bed, holding his hand all frozen, blinking away his tears. Dr. Novak turns to look at him, his brow in a concerned frown. -Do you feel like you need a pause, Jared? He asks. -Jensen and I are fine with the two of us. Just take a breather if you need to.Jared looks at the doctor looking all lost. Dr. Novak lets his patient be, walks to Jared instead and reaches to gingerly touch his arm.-Jared, you need a cup of coffee now. Just a five minutes’ break, what do you say?With his other hand, he presses the call button, his eyes not leaving Jared until there is a rap on the door. -Nicki, he says, emphasizedly. -Jared here needs a breather. Would you take him for some coffee?The nurse glances around the room, nodding then swiftly.-Sure, she says. -I have some time now anyway.Jared blinks at the nurse, standing up like a robot and following the nurse out of the room. She walks him to the hall beside the patient kitchen, sits him down and fetches a soda from the fridge.-Here, she says gently. -Some energy for starters. A man beside him takes the can slowly, blinks at it and only then lifts his eyes towards Nicki. Nicki smiles at him, letting him take his time as he swallows and starts to open the can with stiff fingers. -Let me help you with that, Nicki says, and that’s when Jared seems to snap back to reality. -Thanks, he says, a bit raspily but otherwise sounding alright. -I'm fine, really. You must have more important job around.Nicki has eyes on her own though, and she also knows there must be a reason for it that dr. Novak asked her to take the man away from his husband’s room.-My job is right here for now, she says soothingly. -Hey, just a minute or two, alright? Drink a little, it’ll make you feel better. Jared looks at the can in his hand, mechanically lifting it on his lips. His being is suddenly nervous, his eyes darting towards the door behind where he and Nicki just left, and Nicki thinks for a moment if they should move somewhere a bit further. She abandons the thought quickly, however, not wanting Jared to become even more distressed when feeling like he’s taken away from his husband forcefully. -I need to get there, Jared insists. -I need to know what Jensen…Nicki maintains her soft, reassuring pattern of speech as she replies the man, providing a grounding contact on his arm with his hand.-You will know, I'm sure of it. Dr. Novak will take care of it. Don’t worry.-But, but he needs me, Jared keeps on. -I’m not being there for him. I should be there. -Jared, what you need is a moment of rest now, Nicki says, a tad more forcefully. -Jensen is good with dr. Novak, and he will tell you everything you need to hear as soon as they are done in there. Alright?That was actually a promise Nicki doesn’t know if she should have made for the busy doctor, but that’s something that finally calms Jared down, so Nicki decides to take it as a win. They sit for a moment like that, Jared taking deep breaths and sipping his drink slowly. Nicki takes her hand away, giving the man some space but staying where she is. It might very well be enough for now, she thinks. Sometimes nothing more than the feeling of having some company is needed. Finally, Jared sighs and turns to look at the nurse. -What are you, a counselor for distressed family members? Nicki smiles at him. A light conversation to get rid of the funk it is. -Actually, my second job is kind of a counselor. I'm a sexual therapist.She has got used to the surprised reactions when people hear her professional combination, so she only smiles at Jared’s a bit embarrassed chuckle. A familiar reaction, that, as well. Jared gets out of embarrassment surprisingly quickly though.-Alright, I'm Jared, an accountant. From that, the discussion starts to flow more naturally. Jared learns that Nicki is one of BICU nurses, but she’s in the roll in Burn Unit 2. Here in BU2, it’s just more probable to meet a nurse in a hall, when in BICU nurses stay quite strictly in the cubicles of their appointed patients or at least very close by. Hearing the mention of BICU, Jared’s face grow serious.-That was one heck of a place, he says softly. -I’m so relieved Jensen is here now. -That’s what we all think, Nicki smiles. -Every patient transferring from there to here is a victory. It means they are really recovering. Jensen is too, Jared. Jared nods, gnawing his lip.-I know, he says softly. -It’s just… I don’t know. It’s so weird. It’s like I’ve become allergic to some of dr. Novak’s words, some of his gestures actually. I just feel like closing up when he has this particular frown on his brow, or the specifics tone of his voice. Sometimes I feel like I’m going crazy. -You’re not going crazy, Jared, Nicki says softly. -It’s our body and mind’s reaction to stressful situations. It’s a response called fright or flight. It’s your sympathetic nervous system working, at it can react before you consciously do. That’s why it can feel like going crazy. But it’s completely normal, even expected. Jared hums at that. -Yeah, he sighs. -Sorry to dump this on you, Nicki. -We all need someone to talk to, Jared, Nicki says. -I have Megan. My sister.-That's very good. Don't stay alone, Jared.Jared grows silent again, gazing at the opposite wall in his thoughts. Then, the already familiar, grinning smile appears.-This is quite a service. A nurse taking a catch like this of a patient’s family member? I wonder if this is very widely spread in our healt system. -Our ward is quite unique in that sense, Nicki explains. -Our patients and their families are here for a long haul. We get attached to them, and they to us. The situations are beyond words. All the support is needed, and the situations come very quickly and surprisingly. We have psychiatrists, but they are on call. They are not here to catch you when you fall. That thought makes Jared emotional. -Thank you, he says softly. -You were doing just that to me, Nicki.Nicki smiles. -You’re welcome. I'm sure we'll see each other again around here.When Jared walks back to Jen’s room, the TV is open and Jensen is fumbling with the remote control. The sight is so mundane, but suddenly so hopeful. The man Jared saw no more than little over month ago in tubes and wires, unmoving and unconscious, is now faring well enough to handle a remote and swear at it.Jared stops at the door, dwelling in the joy filling his chest. A small sound inside him demands him to give a helping hand, but he doesn’t do that. Jensen’s expression tells him his offer would be rejected anyhow. After a while of struggling, Jen huffs and takes a pause, looking at smiling Jared at the door.-There you are, Jay,he says. -Where did you go?Jared smiles at him, going to sit on his chair.-I just visited a bathroom, he says lightly. -Everything’s alright here?
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
A couple of days later Kim comes to Jensen’s room with a strange vehicle.-Meet your walking buddy, Jensen, she says as her first words, chuckling at Jensen’s expression.-Don’t look that baffled, she says. -Didn’t dr. Novak tell you that we were to get you taking your first steps in a week here?-Yes, Jensen replies gingerly. -Just… my heart.Jensen talks more now, which makes his communication much easier with the ward personnel. Kim, however, encourages Jensen in signing — that's a good way to rehabilitate Jensen’s fingers for sure — so during their PT sessions Jensen lets his voice rest and keeps using the signs in addition to his speking, probably not even realizing the double benefit there is for his recovery. Kim feels actually quite proud of herself for her realization.-We will keep your wires on during the exercise, Kim explains chirpily. -According to dr. Novak, your palpitations have died out, so he didn't see any reason why we shouldn’t keep on sweating.The contented expression lighting up Jensen’s face is a prize in itself for Kim.-At first, we're going to get you acquainted with Billy here.-Billy? Jensen looks baffled.-To me, he looks like Billy, Kim quips. -You can give him some other name you like better.Jensen chuckles a little, rolling his eyes and showing his thumb up.Kim smiles at herself as she puts the walk-aid ready. One of her favorite tricks in helping her patients relax, making a fool of herself, seems to be working. A little step at a time, she thinks.-Alright, so, she says when the measurements of the walk-aid seem alright by eye to a man with Jensen’s height, patting the vehicle's padded armrest affectionally. -This guy is in your personal use. He's adjusted due to your weight and height, and he's all tech-tech. See.Kim takes a remote control and presses one button, which makes the horseshoe shaped armrest whir down, stopping at the level of Jensen’s bed.-Look at that, Jensen says, sounding genuinely impressed.-Tell me about it, Kim complies. -Due to this feature, it's enough that we get you sitting up, and after that it's Billy here who takes care of you getting up on your feet.-Cool, Jensen says, enthusiastic. -I thought it bad.-Oh, no, Kim smiles. -Of course, we must be realistic. The fact of your body recovering still stands. The possibility of dizziness and some other symptoms is still real. However, the more you get up, the more your body will get used to it, and that way also the symptoms will ease.Jensen nods, looking decisive. -Alright, he states, signing a question.Kim smiles at him brightly. -I'm ready right when you are.Jensen returns the smile with his own. -Born ready.—They don’t get to walk today, but knowing Jensen’s past experiences, getting him up to sitting against his new walker and staying there for half a minute is a thing to celebrate for sure. Kim doesn’t keep her happiness a secret, and Jensen himself seems quite joyful when he lays back down with Kim helping him.-I brought something for you, Kim says when she has tucked Jensen in with a sheet and helped him drink. -Here.It is a handout, five A4's with text and black-and-white images of a person in different stretching positions.-Some exercises for you, Kim explains when Jensen looks at the images with a thoughtful expression. -These are quite easy to do by yourself. Of course it's easier if you have someone to read the instructions while you do the exercises. But you have Jared coming daily, right?Jensen nods, and Kim looks happy. -He might be able to use you with some of the exercises, she says, and suddenly Jensen looks wary. -Wouldn’t you want him to?Jensen closes his eyes, trying to think how to tell it with as few words as possible. That he loves Jared being here, but anyone touching him is so big distress for him that he feels nauseous thinking of it. Even the professionals who know exactly what they do hurt him regularly. How would Jared not hurt him then? Not intentionally, of course not. But it really doesn’t mean anything if the reality is that the result for that touch is an unbearable pain.Kim looks at him though, looking thoughtful. -Am I right to assume that you are afraid of pain his touch might cause you? she asks gingerly, and Jensen almost tears up. Yes. Yes, it’s exactly that. -How about you telling me when you’re ready, and then I talk to Jared and show him some touches you could try?Jensen nods. That would do. He doesn’t know when though, but this way, it’ll be a problem of later time.—Jensen lies on his back, blinking and watching at the white roof. He’s lying prone, Kim had said that it would keep his blood pressure within better levels. Three hours, that’s how long before Lisa will come and whir him back up.Jensen tries to sleep, but the rest doesn’t come. The dreams, hallucinations, whatever, keep on torturing him more or less every time he closes his eyes. That’s why he usually sleeps after the tank — it’s not only that then he’s all doped up, exhausted and basically ready to die, but then his mind feels empty as well. The sensations during the tank overwhelm him so that there is nothing left for him to feel, see, hear or think. Also concerning his dreams.The nausea tickles his throat. He forgot to ask Kim pass the message for the doctor, to come and order hims ome anti-nausea drugs and check his pain medication. It all goes through the doctor, always. Jensen understands a thing like that can’t be in the hands of masses of people, but still he hates he has to ask.Jensen jerks harshly, opening his eyes. The roof above him is white, so dizzyingly white his eyes start to tear up. Why is it so bright suddenly? It’s like in a dentist’s chair without the shaded glasses. What is this place? He lies still, trying to understand what is happening. Suddenly, the surface he is lying on moves, trembles, like a carriage of some kind. What the heck is this? What is happening to him?-Jensen?A woman’s face are right above him, her deep brown hair rounded by the dazzling white light like a halo. Jensen blinks, trying to see her properly. His eyes itch an tear up, making the sight go blurry.He knows the face, he’s sure he does, and still he can’t tell her name.-How are you feeling? I’m going to whir you up now, and then we need to clean your lungs of mucus. You remember the drill, don’t you, Jensen?The head end of the bed whirs up, making Jensen feel dizzy. The nausea is back, making him wheeze and take short breaths. Help me, I can’t breathe!-Just nice and easy, Jensen, the woman soothes softly. -Slow breaths. You can do it. Now, we put the tube into your throat and clean the mucus away so you feel better to breathe. Are you ready?The tube goes in, deep into his throat and down, down to his trachea. Hurts! It’s like there are parts of his lungs loosened and ripped off. Please, stop this torture!-Lay still, Jensen, the woman voice says evenly, her touch feeling like a cushion of needles pressing into Jensen’s arm. -Calm down. It won’t take long now. Shh, it’s alright.IT’S NOT FUCKING ALRIGHT!He tries to escape every way he can - he wriggles, arches, tries to hit the hands touching him all over and turning him this way and that. He doesn’t see any humans, only forms clad in blue, robes covering everything but their eyes. Cold, distant, serious. There is water, and there is cold, so icy cold his teeth rattle and his breath catches.There are low, monotonous murmurs, words he can’t understand when his skin is touched again and again with something that feels like scouring pad. Do they try to kill me? he thinks. Do they try to rub my skin off?Please, God. Take me away from here. Let me die.When he comes to, he hears nothing at first. Slowly, he registers the warmth all around his body, and the feeling makes him relax minutely. He feels sore, like spanked all over with a baseball bat.He takes a careful gulp of air, tasting blood but feeling his throat opening with the movement. It feels simultaneously excruciating and heavenly.-Welcome back, Jensen.The blanket covering him is lifted up, tugged over his shoulders and arranged around his neck.-You are in a wheelchair now, Jensen. Kim suggested that the upright position would do some good for you, now that you have started your sitting exercises. We’re making you a walking man again.Jensen twitches his head, frowning. He tries to warn the nurse, but that’s absolutely the most he can do before his chest constricts, his throat opens and vomit bursts out of his mouth.-S’rry… he tries to mumble.-Not at all, Jensen. I got it. Just try to breathe through your nose for a while, can you do that for me?There are quick steps around him, then they go further and water is flowing, steps come back and he feels cool cloth on his mouth corners, his chin, his neck. He tries to mumble again, and the cloth disappears.-Just let it go, the voice says. -I have a kidney bowl here. Let it all out, and then we’ll clean up some more.Jensen wants to tell Lisa he’s sorry, that he’s thankful for her help, that he wouldn’t want to trouble her with something this gross. His body seems to have its own will, though, and he can’t do anything but let it do what it wants. When the cramps and heaves have abated, he feels like a bare shell of a human, every single bit of strength left out.He tries his all to hear Lisa’s steps around the room, to concentrate on them, afraid that he’s going to suffocate to death if he lets it go. When there is feeling of a familiar mask landing over his face, he nearly sobs out of relief.It doesn’t take him a whole minute to succumb into his exhaustion.—Jared lets the door close after Lisa and goes straight to his husband. Jensen is again sitting in a wheelchair, deeply asleep, wrapped in sheets and covered with a warm blanket in addition to all his bandages and gauzes. His body seems all limp, almost sprawling, and his face has a strained look on it. His breathing, however, is even, and soothed by that Jared drags his chair closer from the bedside and sits down.Jen’s face is all rosy red, like blushed all over, and there is a fresh layer of thick ointment covering the purple and bloody red splotches around his face and neck. His skin looks irritated even from where the skin has healed, like brushed with something harsh, and Jared has to flinch at the image. He’s grateful that Jen’s put to sleep. He has endured so much already. Too much.Jared settles on his waiting, opening the Economy Today magazine he has bought on his way here but only skimming the headlines, his real attention on Jensen. Jensen takes his time, the lunchtime coming and going before he starts to slowly stir.Jensen’s first vocalizations are groggy and agonized, him not being yet cognizant enough to cover the small whimpers and moans he would never let out all awake, and Jared acutely misses the pain pump that was also left behind when Jensen moved units. Here, Jensen is only given the pain drugs when he asks for them or before his treatments. To Jared’s great relief though, Jensen grows silent as soon as he starts to blink, lethargically gauging his whereabouts.-Hello, babe, Jared greets softly, and a slow smile crinkles Jen’s eye corners. -Had a good nap?Jensen hums, gathering his bearings a moment more. -A nap, was it? He then asks raspily.-Not really, Jared has to admit. -But the bright side is, you had all your wound care done while you were out. Both showers and the bandages change.Jensen grimaces hearing that. -No wonder I feel like I'm beaten all over, he murmurs, and Jared swallows an empathetic hiss.-Do you want to drink? Jared asks instead, busying himself in reaching for the cup. -Your lunch was also brought in when you were asleep.Another grimace. -What's in there?Jared doesn’t need to check again. -Creamy silk porridge and apricot jam, he tells his husband. -No Jell’O this time but natural yogurt. Turkish, it seems.Jensen’s brow smoothens slightly at that. -Plain? He asks. -That sounds good. Thank you.Jared puts in mind the historical first dish Jensen shows a genuine interest in. He helps Jen drink, and then he stands to wash and glove his hands — Jen’s lips are still broken and blistered, and any foreign bacteria in his body could continuously turn fatal — before he takes the small spoon from its single wrap and opens the lid of the yogurt, stirring it slightly before taking the spoon half full.He moves the can closer to Jen’s face under the spoon, not lowering the can before the spoon is already in Jen’s mouth. Jen hasn’t accepted the bib although he’s shaky and weak enough to use one, and Jared does his best to respect his will and still prevent him from getting the food all around his shirt.Jen eats slowly, emptying the little can taking almost fifteen minutes from him. But where are they hurrying, Jared thinks. All the hurry fled their lives when Jen’s body was buried under a collapsing house, burning badly in the process. Now it’s all about recovering for him — resting, gaining back his strength, enduring the treatments, going to his therapies.After the yogurt is done, Jensen shakes his head no for any other food, and Jared covers the tray, memorizing to tell the staff about yet another meager lunch. Jensen really needs to eat, but right after an especially gruesome wound bath and bandages change, Jared couldn’t put him against a wall. Instead, he fusses Jen’s sheet and blanket that have dropped down and exposed the injured man’s shoulders making him shiver.-Would you like to rest for a while? He asks softly, tugging Jensen in until he’s all wrapped up again like an infant. Jensen’s eyes are blinking sleepily already, staying closed for longer and longer at a time.-Mmmmmhhhhhh…, Jen comments softly, and Jared smiles, softly touching the cool temple.-Go to sleep, he murmurs gently. -I’m right here.—Steve is standing in the middle of the fire. The flames are licking his calves, reaching for his thighs. Jensen sees him from the other side of the room. The roof is cracking, he knows it's about to come down any minute.-Steve! Jensen yells. -We need to get going! The whole building is empty!But Steve just stands there, like there was nothing to hurry for. He looks around where he stands, turning his head slowly, like enthralled by some beauty he sees around him.-Steve, come on! Jensen’s voice turns begging, the air he breathes heavier by the second. He glances at the numbers on his smartwatch and sees that the oxygen in his tank will be soon dangerously low.-I'm not waiting, he yells, starting to look for safe places to step on to get to his work partner.The explosion shakes the whole building, for a second there is nothing but blinding light and a feeling of flying through the air. Then he’s laying down, the concrete floor hard under him, and something is dripping into his face.He opens his eyes, and there is Steve straight on him, his eyes sliced open and blood pouring from them as an iron flows straight to Jensen’s eyes, his mouth, his hair.The scream of terror Jensen hears in his ears, feels in his chest, is his last cognizant thought.—Melissa Roxburgh stops her typing and straightens her back, crouching then again closer to the screen to check what she has written.“Bandages checked, clean and dry. Rachel was tired during the evening, but in good humor. Declined the evening snack, but had one nutritional smoothie instead. Message to the kitchen about nut allergy: ground nuts and tree nuts are two different things. Fever is coming down, tympanic numbers 100,2 at 7.30 p.m. Liquid intake checked from the list Rachel fills herself, satisfactory.”Melissa sighs, glances at the clock and clicks to save the text. Her supervisor, an older nurse called Amanda, will probably nag at her for being too detailed, too chatty and finally too slow, but she's here to learn, isn't she? Besides, it's almost the end of her shift, and the report of the night shift is going to start at thirty. So,if she's going to have time to check once more —There’s a sudden, hoarse scream of utter panic from somewhere, and as Melissa draws up, she hears hasty steps and sees Lisa scurrying along the corridor.-Mel, come with me, she says, calm but urgent. -It's our patient.Melissa frowns, already standing up and closing the files hastily. Rachel? She was there with her no more than ten minutes ago, and she was good and calm, starting to get asleep. What could have…?She takes a run after Lisa to match her and almost freezes as she sees the direction they are taking. Jensen.The firefighter — the nurses in the break room call him ‘former firefighter’ which Melissa feels a bit bad for. Isn't it the person's own choice to make whether or not they want to return back to their former job after getting better?She stops at the door Lisa is keeping ajar for her. The man is screaming, letting out a breathy and raspy sound, a sound that makes it clear that he shouldn’t be letting out any kind of sound yet with the condition his vocal chords are in. Melissa can't tell if it is out of agony or horror, but the voice creeps him anyhow. She puts on the gloves, cap and mask — the very first test she had to pass starting in BU2 was the speed test in dressing up into protective gear — and steps inside the room, letting the door thump closed after her.Lisa has already got a breathing mask on Jensen’s face, starting to rummage through the cabinets.-Sit with him, Lisa orders clippedly. -I'll find the sedative and fetch the doctor on-call.Melissa looks at the man in front of him. He's not struggling to take the mask away from his face, it actually seems that he doesn’t even notice it on. His eyes are open but unseeing and distant, looking somewhere through the roof, and his chest is heaving harshly. He's taking far too deep breaths, Melissa notices, having far too much carbon dioxide in.She sits at the chair and takes the mask gingerly in her hands, moving it away from the man’s strained face and changing it into a paper bag she takes from the rack on the wall.—Steve is laying on top of Jensen, and he screams as the horror fills his mind, and soon he can feel the flames climbing along his legs. The breathing is hard, Steve is not a light guy and he’s laying all on the top of Jensen.I need to keep my cool, Jensen thinks hurriedly. Lose yourself in a situation like this and you can kiss your life goodbye.He struggles the best he can, but it makes no difference. Jensen feels his oxygen starting to wane, it’s all the time harder to draw a proper breath, the kind of breath that gives one strength to struggle away from under the dead weight.He wriggles his legs, he archs his back, trying his everything to move his friend from him. Steve, he prays, seeing the eyes that gaze at him vacantly, without any trace of life in them. Steve, man. Please, help me with this. I can’t do this alone.He’s just got his arms under him, giving him some leverage to try and wrench himself free, when there is a sound that booms and burns, bursts his eardrums and fills his universe. The light is so bright that it feels like slitting his eyes from the middle, and he doesn’t see the explosive fire attacking from every direction to the two men, collapsed in a heap in the middle of the room.—-Jensen, shhh. Jensen, you are safe.Melissa sits beside the man’s bed, keeping her hand close enough for him to feel its warmth but not daring to touch. The man’s injuries are getting better - there are several surgeries been done during the days he has been staying in Burn Unit 2 in addition to the month he has had during his ICU care time - but still they look bad and painful enough, like a discolored chicken skin. So, just to be on the safe side, she keeps close but keeps the physical touch in its minimum.The man vocalizes softly, clearly not in this world, and Melissa crouches closer.-It’s okay, Jensen. Can you hear my voice? Please, move our fingers if you hear my voice.Melissa has to admit that the man has it bad. Lisa has told her that he got injured in a warehouse fire, the explosion taking down his work partner. Jensen has had a long way until he's come here, but still he has so many hardships to struggle through every day. The tank, lung cleanings, physical therapy. He’s still half the time out of it, under sedatives or sleeping out his exhaustion.Jensen has family though. Melissa remembers the tall, nice looking guy visiting Jensen every day, right after the office hours, and staying with him until the doors close for the night. Other nurses have told her that they are husbands - Jensen’s other family hasn’t visited him. Mayde they live far away and haven’t had an opportunity to come to him yet, Melissa ponders.And, there is always a possibility that he has no other family, or that they are not in speaking terms. Although that’s a situation Melissa doesn’t wish for her worst enemies, so she doesn’t linger on that prospect for too long.The man calms down slowly, and Melissa shushes him and talks to him softly every time he shows any signs of waking up.-You can get through this, she says. -I’m proud of you. Good job.The words feel hollow, straight from the “Nursing Practise Fundamentals For Holistic Care”, but they seem to find their way through their way to the man still. Soon, Melissa sees the tired eyes blinking open and then back close with a tired sigh.-Mr. Ackles? she asks gingerly. -Jensen?The man’s head turns towards her before the eyes open again, and so she has a welcoming but gentle smile on her face as their eyes meet.-Good evening, she says, and instantly regrets it. The guy just had a panic attack or sleep stroke, for God’s sake. -It’s okay. Just breathe now. Stay in the present, okay?The man looks at her with a slight frown, moves his eyes up and then back at her.-Do you know where you are? she asks gingerly.The man clears his throat carefully, and Melissa gets it.-Water? she asks, and the man drinks greedily. Good, she thinks. If a person drinks, they can’t breathe panickly at the same time.-Feeling better?The man’s eyes close, then they open, and he twitches his hand towards Melissa’s. Her breath almost catches.-Tell me what you need now.That is another nurse school book citation, but Melissa doesn’t care. She’s enthralled by the contact she’s made.The man tries to say something, then he coughs weakly and tries again. Melissa leans closer, eager to hear what it was.-Stay, the man croaks. -Don’t speak.—-What you were feeling is scary, but it’s not dangerous.A new doctor sits on the chair someone seems to sit all the time, her hands resting on her lap and her expression trainedly calm and just a right amount of soft and soothing. Her outfit is simple and neat, her chest pocket covered by a card that says “Liane Balaban, MD, P.D. In Training, Psychiatrist”.-It was not the place that was bothering you, it’s you thoughts.Jensen stays silent, trying to forget the permanent ache that feels much stronger now that he’s feeling bad mentally too. Steve’s demeanor in his nightmare - or vision, or halluzination, whatever it was - felt so real, so alive, and now it won’t let him be. Jensen sighs, closing his eyes and hoping for the umpteenth time that he could just push the pain pump and fall into oblivion.-I can't start the actual therapy with you yet, Jensen, dr. Balaban keeps talking. -It’s hard work, and right now you have much on your plate already – but we can talk whenever you feel like it. I'll follow your lead.Jensen hums, letting his eyes close in their own accord. He tries to remember what Jared has told him about Steve’s last moments. Has he done that? Could he get to know if he wanted? He’s not sure if he wants, though.-We are all individuals, dr. Balaban is saying. -Some of us feel the need to start talking earlier than others. The typical time to start actual therapy is after hospital time is over, when you are settled back home and are visiting the hospital as an outpatient. But, as I said, if you want to talk - just tell your doctor or nurses and they will call me for you.Jensen smiles politely as the doctor stands up and leaves, her high heels snapping against the floor. It’s not long when the door opens, and Jensen recongizes the incomer from her steps as she comes close and stops by his bed.-Just one favor, Lisa? he mumbles, turning his head towards the side. -Don’t tell Jared about the night, okay? I’ll tell him myself.
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
Days go by like that — sometimes a whirlwind of moments, emotions and faces, other times slowly, slowly, like dragging the stones in a sack. Sometimes Jensen knows exactly what's happening next, who's gonna come and tell him what, sometimes he just floats through a fog of sounds, sensations and blurry images, detached and without any feeling of reality.There is a bunch of people visiting him weekly — doctors, nurses, PTs, nutritionists, psychiatrists. Once, even a social worker visits. Apparently, there are modifications to be made in Jared and Jensen's home when he gets that far.When. Even dr. Novak, the spitting image of someone who never sees too much to things, starts to use the word "when" instead of less certain alternatives when speaking about Jensen getting home. And Jensen doesn’t mind. He misses home. He misses his own pillow, the bedroom with no others than him and Jared, the silence and darkness without any whirs, beeps or red or green lights.That in mind, he does his bed exercises every day, many times in a better one. Kim praises him, thrilled for his success, and that encourages him towards even better performances. So what if he doesn’t always remember where he is and why? Or what if he sometimes wakes up in the middle of the night, screaming his lungs out?He's on a mission, and damn if someone — or something! — is messing with him now.To Jared, Jensen seems happier these days. More determined. He doesn’t know exactly where does that come from, but he assumes it's at least something about the new walker Jensen has on the corner of his room.Nowadays, Jensen even lets Jared attend some of his PT sessions — the one where he has a kind of bicycle system at the end of his bed, and he pedals laying on his back, his feet strapped on the foot pieces. The work is tedious, Jensen takes masses of breaks and seems more and more tired as the process goes on, but he has the fire under his grimace and panting breath, a fire Jared remembers from the days before the accident. Seeing that makes him feel so, so hopeful.They all — Kim, Lisa and Jared — cheer and praise Jensen from the earth to the high heavens, and he ends with a bliss of content all over his features. Jared simply loves to see that.Working like that always means a silent evening, Jensen either slumbering or deep under with his pain drugs. Jared doesn't mind. Jensen has definitely earned it.The one real problem is with Jensen’s eating. Jensen's nutritionist has asked Jared to try to engage his husband in it, but it's difficult with Jen's lack of appetite and bouts of nausea. There are some vitamin smoothies he usually is able to keep down, so he has one of those in every meal, many days as his only meal even.Megan is still with Jared, and Jared feels her presence so sweet and soothing. It means that every time he goes home there are not only the silent walls ready to fall over him but a beloved person, someone to talk with, and something to eat. It's just now that Jared realizes how daunting it was for him to keep going with the minimal energy, basically with his adrenaline andnot much more, food being only some snacks here and there. Everything’s so good, considering, after such a long time that Jared almost forgets there are still issues bubbling under.But Jensen doesn’t. —The view from the window is spectacular. It opens towards a park, and they are in eighth floor so they can see far and wide over the canopies of the trees. Sun is shining at its fullest, so Jensen has sunglasses to protect his sensitive eyes from the beams, but he doesn’t mind. The sight he sees in front of him is, while slightly dimmed, still more colorful and versatile he has seen in forever, and it fills him with the overwhelming feeling of being alive. -Quite nice a view, isn’t it? Kim, sitting beside Jensen’s bed on her chair, says. She’s keeping her distance, giving Jensen a chance to maintain his feeling of privacy, but still she’s close enough that Jensen knows she’ll be there is a blink if Jensen as much as whiffs of anything being askew. -Yeah, Jensen breathes. -Didn’t know. -Quite few in this ward take any attention to the surroundings, Kim says. -But, when you start to do that, it’s a nice surprise. And for us working here, it isn’t a bad view to take a coffee break with. Jensen hums, letting his eyes rest in the blue of the sky, the white of the clouds, the deep green of the trees. Even the grey of the box-like buildings along the road in front of the park seems vibrant and versatile in contrast with the white of Jensen’s room. He devours the sight with his eyes, letting it wash over all of his being like a rain. Cleansing, refreshing, renewing.-You are doing so good, Jensen, Kim says after a moment, bringing Jensen back to the hospital room, in the middle of all the wires, racks, equipment. In the middle of the white walls.-Would you like to do a little breathing exercise before laying back down? I think five minutes up is enough. Kim looks at Jensen’s face, seeing the disappointment in there, and softens her tone.-This is your personal record for now, she says gently. -Let’s not overexert your body. It will backfire later. Jensen closes his eyes, nodding slowly, silencing the quick flash of bitterness as he suddenly remembers his earlier personal record, nine points out of ten in Cooper. He and Steve were joking around it, making a bet that both of them would reach the maximum in the next test before the demands would go lower for them as "the old men".That’s the reality that doesn't exist anymore.He feels the fluffy comforter around his body as a softener between his injuries and Kim’s hands. He follows Kim’s even, instructing voice, doing the exercise he knows in and out by now. He focuses on the feeling of his breath, the movement of his chest. You draw the line, Jensen. You control the air flowing in and out. You give the orders to your body. Suddenly, Jensen lets out a quick breath, raspy and breathy, and Kim’s hand is on his shoulder that instant, even before Jensen’s posture crumbles and he hungs his head, struggling to breathe through the heavy feeling filling his chest. -Easy, Kim says, her hand staying while she fills the glass from the pitcher. -Nice, long breaths. It’ll pass. You know it will. Jensen clings on the soothing voice, the grounding touch, forcing his lungs to work.
Steady, long breath in through nose. Hold breath for a few seconds. Sigh air out through mouth fully. Repeat five times.
-Nice and easy, Kim’s voice says right beside Jensen, and they go through the breathing, again and again, until the rhythm has evened out and Jensen relaxes minutely.Jensen stays on his crouched position for a while, and Kim doesn't rush him. Finally, he lifts his head slowly, opening his eyes.-Feeling better? Kim asks gently, taking the glass. -Want to drink?Jensen twitches his thumb weakly, not feeling quite like speaking yet.The straw is cool between his lips, and the water fondles his raw throat, flushing away the final urge to fall into a panic. Heavenly.-We’ve been sitting seven minutes now, Jensen, Kim says as she helps Jensen back against his pilllows. The bed is almost in the sitting position, only slightly reclined as their exercises have moved on. -We'll let you take a rest, and then you can decide yourself if we'll take another look at the view or go on with your massages. It’s your call. —-Babe, can I come in?Jensen is laying in a half-prone position, resting his eyes closed as he hears Jared's soft call. He twitches his head towards the sound, lifting his thumb up. No speaking yet. The nurses have left him into his bed after the tank, and for that, Jensen feels thankful. Something has been done to his legs, and they lay exposed on the sheet, burning with needles. That feeling is familiar and almost bearable, but the spasms are a new thing. They are tiny, like some creature swimming under the surface of Jensen's skin and every now and then, all suddenly, peeking their nose up thorugh Jensen's skin, causing the muscles to twitch and squeeze, quick and sharp, like pulsing and throbbing of a deep wound. They say that the air baths help with the recovery. Jensen tries to believe that they do.Jared stops at the door, seeing Jensen in clear discomfort. He knows that Jensen has had his PT in the morning, and he doesn’t know to ask how it was. All of Jen’s being cries it out loud though. It was daunting. Exhausting. Agonizing.Jared sits to Jen’s bed edge as he opens the sore, red-rimmed eyes.-Hey, babe, he whispers, taking his fingertips gingerly to fondle Jen's wrist. That's the place to touch whenever he's feeling unsure. -Wanna talk about it?Jensen hums, his voice sounding toneless and raspy. -We walked this morning, he says. -To the bathroom and back. Couldn’t sit down though. Kim said my muscles told me this way that they have got enough, and we should respect the process.He chuckles mirthlessly and turns his head away.Jared takes a careful inhale, thinking. -What do you think about it?-That I’m useless. Jensen's voice is bitter, so unlike him. There is a silence. Jensen swallows, Jared doesn't know what to say. He tries to remember what he has read from the internet about staying on the side of a loved one after a big accident.Stay… give time… Show that you won't go away…Jensen hums again, turning to look at Jared. He smiles with his eyes, a tiny twitch, and moves his finger to touch Jared's hand.-It’s today’s funk, he says softly. -Tomorrow I’ll be ready and fresh to fight again.---It's Monday, and that means Jensen's weekly check-up time with all of his team. There are dr. Novak, Jensen's day nurses Lisa and Mandy, dr. Balaban and nutritionist, middle-aged, gentle lady called Sarah. Sometimes, burn technician Missouri and Jensen’s surgeon, dr. Roman are also present, but not this time. They all sit around Jensen’s bed in his room. Sometimes, these meetings are kept in the doctor's office and that’s how they went when Jensen was still in BICU and unconscious or barely there. Now that Jensen is feeling better he is a natural part of his meeting. It's all about Jensen after all, and there might also be some laws that demand it, Jared can’t be sure.Jared sits by Jensen’s bed, concentrating mainly on Jensen’s well-being rather than the professionals currently taking their places around in the room. If Jared was asked, the meeting today was to be arranged somewhere else and let Jen rest, but Jensen was adamant. He wants to know.Jensen rests, his eyes closed and his hand in Jared’s, when the professionals come in. Jared nods at them, rubbing soft circles on Jensen’s wrist.-They are all here, babe, he whispers to Jensen, who gives his hand a twitch of a squeeze. It's too weak for Jared to feel comfortable, and he swallows a thick lump on his throat as he returns the gesture. -You don't need to be a superman, Jen, he says softly. -Just tell me if you need to rest and I'll get the meeting out of here.Jensen shifts slightly, opening his eyes and looking for their focus for a while. First he finds Jared, then Lisa, who stands on the other side of the bed, and smiles with her eyes.-Hello, Jensen, Lisa greets him. -Would you like me to lift up your bed head a little? So that you can see us.Jensen lifts his hand gingerly, showing his thumb, and Lisa whirs the bed to a position.-So, we are all here now, dr. Novak says as Lisa sits down in a chair beside Jen’s bed. -Jensen wants to hear what we have to say, and it’s his right. That’s why it's a slightly unusual setting this time. I'm sure we can survive one meeting without our coffee and snacks, what do you say?The doctors around the room chuckle politely, and with those words, the meeting is opened. Jared notices that Lisa, while she listens to her colleagues, follows Jensen with a keen eye too, and that makes Jared’s heart a bit lighter.-Jensen, would you like to start? dr. Novak asks. -Take your time. There’s no need to rush.It's decided beforehand that Jensen can sign to rest his voice, Jared acting as his interpreter. Jensen’s movements are slow and in places compromised, but deft. He clearly knows what he wants to say.-Good, Jared interprets, with an empathy that feels crushing. Jensen tries so hard. -Tired, but better. Walking is good. -We're glad to hear that, dr. Novak says warmly, and the others nod. -It’s a real accomplishment right there, Jensen. With it, you are turning a whole new page in your recovery.Jensen's eye smile deepens, and he signs again.-I feel determined, Jared interprets.-Good. Are there any hardships you have noticed lately? Are you concerned about anything?-I sleep much, Jared interprets. -And feel confused.-It's still very much expected, Jensen, the doctor says empathetically. -Your injuries, while recovering, still take a great toll on your body, and in rest, your body heals itself. Do you have anything you'd like me to know about your medication?Jensen signs, and that one is clear to all of them without any interpretation.-No, it’s okay, Jared says anyway.-How about the background pain? On a scale of one to ten?This time Jensen doesn't sign but lifts his hand, tediously expanding it. Dr. Novak looks at it for a moment, but his poker face stands.-You mean five? He asks, and Jensen twitches a nod. -This we will keep an eye on. Let us know about any changes in that, alright? We have othe alternatives to try out. It's not uncommon at all to make changes into the medicine regimen during the recovery. -One thing, Jared says at Jensen’s sign, and the doctor puts his pen away, crossing his hands expectantly over Jensen’s folder on his lap.-Yes?-It's private, Jared says, looking at Jensen’s moving hands. -If you'll have a minute after this meeting.-Certainly, dr. Novak smiles. He skims through the list in his hands. -This is all I have for now. Lisa and Mandy, will you be next?The nurses take their turn, speaking mainly about Jensen’s daily routine, how he sleeps and is awake, the length of his naps, the way he communicates, his overall mood, stuff like that. Any private business is left out from these meetings, it's Jensen’s wish, also Jared wanted to discuss them only with the doctor even when Jensen wasn’t conscious yet. None of them share their bathroom routines with a bunch of people when they are healthy. Why should that change when they’re unwell? It's not like Jensen’s psychiatrist needs to know if his guts ain’t working properly.Jensen is clearly growing tired. His eyes are closed and he doesn’t react to what the nurses are saying but lifting his thumb every now and then. Jared takes a cloth, patting Jensen’s temples gingerly. Now that Jensen’s skin on many parts of his body has been either burned or replaced, he's sweating profusely in the places he still can — meaning mainly his face. Jared thinks that, for Jensen's vain side, that will be a major chance.Kim is next, talking about walking exercises and the stretches Jensen has started to do by himself in his bed, and listening to that makes Jensen react, his eye corners crinkling slightly. He still keeps silent though, and Jared ponders if he's seeing too much in Jensen’s deepening browlines. He leans closer anyway, brushing Jensen’s temple with his fingers.-Are you alright, babe? He whispers. -Just call it the end if you need to rest. It’d be all okay, you know that.Jensen twitches his head, almost unnoticeable, and Jared swallows a sigh. He sees Lisa on the other side of the bed stand up, discreetly checking Jensen’s chart and taking something from her pocket. A tiny syringe. Jared sighs in relief, nodding at the nurse who glances at him questioningly.-We have talked a couple of times with Jensen, dr. Balaban is saying when Jared comes back to the here and now. -It's clear he's not in a place to start any therapy, but we have proceeded at his pace, gone through his daily feelings and taken some mental exercises that could help him through difficult situations. I don’t think there's room for any profound approach right now, but he's having my direct number. I'm also reachable on-call if any of you needs consultation or Jensen wants to meet me.-Thank you, Liane, dr. Novak says. -So, I think we all have quite good insight on how we keep on from now. This week is reserved for recovery and physical exercises, so no new skin transplants unless something unexpected occurs. We'll keep an eye on the background pain, and Jensen, you will tell us if some modifications are needed.It's Jared who nods his yes. Dr. Novak stops to look at Jensen, now fallen asleep thanks to the drug he just got, and returns the gesture.-Jensen will continually have the liquid formula to support the sufficient vitamin and energy intake, the doctor says, looking at the nutrition therapist who nods. -We'll keep on assisting him in eating, encouraging him in finding tastes and structures he finds pleasing. This is all very natural after injuries around the mouth and throat, and we’ll find the ways to make it work.-Plain yogurt is one he mentioned to be good, Jared says softly.-That's good news, dr. Novak says, and the nutritionist nods.-There are several multi-nutrition products that are in powder form, almost tasteless and even colorless if Jensen prefers that, the nutritionist says. -Our plain yogurt is Greek, so it is quite rich in protein and energy too. We can have it as his main course, and everything else he gets down will be a plus. Fibers are still an issue, but I’ll be working on that.-Perfect, dr. Novak smiles. He looks at slumbering Jensen. -It seems our main character has left the stage. Have everyone said what you had in mind? If it’s so, we’ll meet in a week. Thank you for your time.Jared waits until all the others but Lisa and dr. Novak have left the the room, and then he clears his throat. -Oh, yes, dr. Novak smiles and comes back. -The private issue. For that, I’me sorry, but we have to wake up Jensen. I want him to know what happens during the procedure.—Jared leaves the room for the procedure Jensen needs to be done, wandering along the hall without any actual destination. He smiles and nods at the other patients or their family members he meets while he goes, going up and down with their canes or walk-aids. Little further, an aide has the snack trolley which she is emptying into the patient kitchen's fridge. There are many kinds of foods and drinks, freely offered for the patients of the ward should they feel hungry or find their appetite outside the official eating hours. Jared has gone through it once for the sake of Jensen, so he knows the sortiment is impressive — yogurts, smoothies, sandwiches, many kinds of granola and energy bars, fruits and salads, and finally a sortiment of ice creams and popsicles in the fridge. The best possible nutrition for the recovering patients clearly isn’t just a phrase here.Jared wanders further, stopping to look at the patients’ note board on the wall. Half of it is filled with all kinds of posters presenting happenings, clubs, support groups, organizations and companies concerning burn injuries and recovery. Another half has photos, postcards and letters — greetings and thank you's from the former patients. One letter Jared has read tens of times. It's a short message with a photo of a badly burned, around ten-year-old girl who has been transferred from here to some other state hospital. There are few words of the family news, heartfelt thanks and, in the end, a short note that the girl passed away a week after the letter came.It's another harsh reminder of the reality Jared could be living by himself as well, but there is something more in the letter that draws Jared back to it, again and again. Some kind of deep hope in the middle of inferno the family must be living in. Jared doesn't know if it's about the Bible verses written on the edges of the paper or the smiles of the family members around the girl's hospital bed. Nevertheless, it touches him on some level that doesn’t require words.Jared has stopped to look at one postcard he hasn't seen before when he hears a familiar voice from the nurse's office not many steps further. The psychiatrist Jared just met is talking to someone he doesn’t notice. Dr. Balaban, he remembers and draws up. She has talked with Jensen. -Dr. Balaban, he greets the lady when she leaves the office and walks into the hall. -I'm Jensen Ackles’ husband. Do you have a minute?The doctor stops to look at Jared, serious at first, but soon a recognizing smile comes to her face.-Oh, yes, she says. -Jared Ackles. I do have a minute. What do you have in mind?Jared actually gets surprised so that he doesn’t find the right words at once. He clears his throat, feeling suddenly a bit embarrassed.-I was just thinking, he says, trying to get the thought straight. -I mean, now that Jensen is awake and all. Like, everyone says how great trauma this is, and it is. I mean… I have my sister to talk to now, and I would like to be there for Jensen too. He just… I don’t know.Jared quiets, hundred percent sure that the doctor didn’t get the slightest thing out of his blabbering. To his surprise, the doctor nods with a smile.-So, you want to know how your husband's faring mentally, and how you would be the best support for him?Jared nods. Exactly.Dr. Balaban glances behind her back, turning then back to Jared. -I think we could use some privacy for this talk, she suggests. -Dr. Novak’s office is currently empty, he’s on another patient meeting. Shall we? Jared hesitates. What he had in mind was a minute or two chat in the hall. The idea of leaving Jen alone for any longer doesn’t feel like agood idea.-Jensen will be alright, the doctor says with a calm, soothing voice. -He was very tired when we left, and there are good sedatives to aid his rest if the need be. There’s nothing to worry about. Wish you knew, Jared thinks, but follows the lady hesitantly. Dr. Novak’s room is right around the corner, and soon dr. Balaban opens the door for Jared to enter. He notices disturbed that the doctor has a smart-looking dress and high heels under her lab coat. -Sit down, please, she prompts, waving Jared to a chair right by the door and leaning herself on the desk edge. The whole room is no bigger than a walk-in wardrobe, so it doesn’t need much more than that to feel full. Jared feels already crowded. -I've talked with Jensen two times by now, she starts, having all of Jared’s attention immediately. -And? He asks, anxious. The doctor smiles professionally. Jared decides right here and now that he doesn’t like the people who do that. He knows it’s meant to be kind and polite, but to him it feels detached and cold.-He’s still very weak, and his condition tires him tremendously, she says. -What I got from our conversation is that his thought go mainly around the every day happenings and trying to figure out what is and what has happened.Jared nods, and the doctor keeps on. -In my opinion, and what I gauged during our conversation, I would say your husband is going through a completely normal phase in his mental recovery. -Which is? -I would call it a mental block, dr. Balaban says without a preamble. -The injuries Jensen has sustained are vast and comprehensive, and they couldn't be affecting his body and mind as a whole. The trauma itself, the pain, the relatively long period of unconsciousness, a recent waking up, confusion, radically changed body image. It’s all bubbling somewhere under the surface, and his mind is still overwhelmed already in understanding the very basics of the situation. His ability to feel is limited right now. In layman’s terms, Jared, his plate is full even without them, and his mind tries to protect him from getting overfraught. The time for deeper emotions to surface is not yet.Jared listens, only one thing entering his mind though the whirlwind of thoughts. -What can I do to help him then?Dr. Balaban smiles. -What Jensen needs now is a peaceful and predictable day schedule, enough rest, proper care and a feeling of being supported and loved unconditionally, she says. -I’m sure you are taking care of the last ones, and the first ones are taken care of by the personnel to their best ability. The doctor stands, takes a recipe booklet from her lab coat pocket and turns to bend over the office table to write in the booklet.-Jensen already has every support he needs to get through this phase, she says. -However, I think you would benefit from something too. This is not a drug though — it's a phone number to my colleague. I'm pleased to hear you have your sister close. This is for the case you feel like needing to talk to a professional. Dr. Blake is very nice — you can contact her with anything you have in mind, it doesn’t have to be anything dramatic.The doctor rips a paper from the booklet, hands it to Jared and shakes his hand.-This is a reminder for you, in case you want to google her or something, she says kindly. -Thank you for letting me see your husband, Jared. Just ask someone from the ward to page me should you have any questions or want to book an appointment. -Thank you, Jared breathes. -You’re welcome.Now the doctor’s smile is genuine. -Remember to give Jensen time, Jared. This emotional block may go on even for weeks, it varies greatly from person to person and also depends on the time his physical injuries heal further. After that, his feelings could be all over the place for quite a while. There can be ups and downs, smooth going and bumps on the road. It’s all normal, it’s part of the process. Later on, you will be offered a possibility of therapy, but it’s not on the schedule for quite a time. Let’s let the thickest fog clear out at first. Another smile, and the doctor walks to the door and opens it, waving Jared to go before her. -But don’t hesitate to contact me, even earlier than that, you or him, if you feel that something is off. Jared nods, thanks, shakes the lean hand goodbye. When he goes back to Jen’s room, he feels somehow refreshed, like there was a new, clean air around him to breathe. Sarah Blake, he reads from the note in his hand. There is a phone number and LinkedIn page address as well. Dr. Balaban must be familiar of the family members' urge to search the internet for any information.When he steps back to Jensen's room, Jensen sleeps comfortably, just like dr. Balaban has promised. Jared sits down on his chair, looking at his slumbering husband but not touching him, wanting him to have his rest.-Feel being supported and loved unconditionally, he murmurs softly, memorizing dr. Balaban’s words. -I think I can do that, Jen.
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
Jared stops at the door, watching gently at Jensen dozing the oxygen mask over his face. Now that Jen is doing so much better and Jared knows that the mask doesn’t mean anything seriously wrong, only that Jensen needs some help with his breathing during his sleep, he loves seeing his husband like this. It reminds him of the sight he has woken up for years in their home bed, every single morning during their relationship.Jared is a 'blink and up' kind of guy, has always been that way whereas Jensen likes to take his sweet time waking up to ever new day. He used to be so cute when he grumbled at Jared half asleep, murmuring at him to close the drapes as Jared went to do his morning jog or whatever.Only exception was when Jensen wanted Jared to stay, seducing him with his sloppy, languid kisses and gentle hands all over Jared’s body. Jared feels the want pooling on the bottom of his stomach just at the thought of it.Of course, Jared knows so much has changed now. They are on the beginning of a long road, most probably bumpy and uphill, without knowing when the things will go back to how they were before, if ever. The tiny talks they have had in the last couple of weeks suggests that Jensen waits for everything to go back as it was — little notions like "one day I'm going to beat you up so bad again" when they are throwing a soft football to each other as one of Jensen’s PT exercises — and it concerns Jared a bit. It's impossible for him to know if Jensen really thinks that of if he only says that kinds of things to light the atmosphere. It would be so like Jensen to do that. Still, in spite of all this, Jared can’t help remembering his husband from how he was. It's not once or twice that Jared has woken up feeling the hot trail of Jensen’s lips going all the way from the dip of his neck, licked behind his ears and nibbled gently his still tingling earlobe, down Jared's chest and around his hip and lower. Jensen used to know every place in Jared’s body that are the sensitive ones and took ruthless advantage of them.Jared simply loved it. Loves it. Will love it.The soft whoosh of Jensen’s oxygen brings him back to the present. Jensen shifts, squeezes his eyes tighter, mumbles something unintelligible.Jared is beside the bed in a flash. During the last days, he has heard Jensen calling a name. A name that breaks Jared's heart, a name he doesn’t want Jensen to break his heart with.-There, Jen, he soothes, sitting down and reaching to touch Jen's arm, the familiar and soft rub over his husband's skin. -Nice and easy.Jensen swallows, smacking his lips and turning his head uncoordinatedly. The way he's confused for a quite long time after his waking up always makes Jared’s heart shrink. He pushes the feeling away though.-Babe, just like that, he reassures, keeping on the soft rubbing while he reaches for the glass of water from the table. -There you go. Doing good.Drinking — or taking the ice chips in — is easy enough task for Jensen to do even in his half asleep state, and it works as a wake-up call as well. When it's done, Jensen has his eyes full open, looking at Jared with that soft and gentle expression. It's loopy, showing that Jensen’s not all sharp, but Jared takes so much rather than the anxious, pained grimace.-Today we'll test the little trip to cantine, Jared tells Jensen softly, concentrating on spreading the silver nitrate cream over Jensen’s skin.He doesn’t waste time in asking Jensen if he remembers what they were talking just yesterday. If Jen remembers, he shows it anyway, and if he doesn’t, it only makes him feel bad and Jared in tow. There are good days and bad days, and dr. Novak tells them it's expected to be like that. It's not about any actual, tangible and measurable trauma that can be seen in Jensen's CT results. It just is — an effect of his lack of oxygen and exposure to the toxins during the fire.-We'll have some breakfast together, and then Lisa and Kim will come to help you up.Jen hums softly, his eyes turned towards Jared, a heartbreakingly soft look in his eyes. Finally, Jared stops and puts the jar of cream away, smiling back to those eyes.-What’s up, babe? He asks, taking the mask away with gentle hands. Jen hates to try to speak with the thing on.-Jared, Jensen says softly. Nothing else. Jared feels his eyes grow moist, takes Jensen’s hand gingerly inside his.-Yes, babe, I'm here.Jensen smiles again, closing his eyes softly. -Love you.-I love you too. Jared keeps rubbing Jensen’s hand, glancing at the monitor over Jensen’s bed. Something in this feels off.He decides to brush the feeling off as simple overprotectiveness. The weeks and months of sitting by Jensen's bed, seeing him so fragile, feeling afraid for him, surely couldn't have passed without a trace. Everything is good for now — Jensen’s treatments have gone well, even his newest skin transplants have started to settle after days of waiting in a complete bed rest that has to be done after every transplant, drawing Jensen crazy every time.They are both more than ready for a little adventure down the halls. Jen gets down more of his breakfast than usual, even half a banana, which tells its story of his mindset for today. After the breakfast, Jensen has a little nap that gets interrupted by Lisa and Kim peeking in from the door.It was originally Kim's idea — when Jensen had laid down for two days, two thirds of his bed sentence, he was in a mindset he could literally explode with everyone even daring to open his door. That's when Kim brewed up a deal. They agreed for Jensen settling down and swallowing his forced rest without a complaint should he get up and have some stroll with Jared and the wheelchair outside his room after it was all over.It isn't actually forbidden of Jensen to get out of his room. It has simply been too daunting of a thought for him this far. But now, the treatments he daily has have lightened up a bit, not drawing him into the state of half unconscious grogginess every time, so he has now more energy to spend during the day. With Kim, he has even visited a hospital gym to do some very light exercises there, and the chance to get back to a place Jensen remembers from his life before the accident has done miracles for his state of mind.So, seeing Jensen almost energetic compared to what he has been until now shouldn't be particularly surpirising for Jared.Lisa and Kim come in, and after Lisa has checked that Jensen is doing all kinds of well enough — not feeling any kind of bad like dizzy, headachy or nauseated, his blood pressure and pulse okay — to get up and have unusually tiring experience, they make him ready for getting up and transferring to the wheelchair.Lisa instructs Jared to take care of the chair, and he accepts the task gladly. He hasn't seen Jensen do the transfer before, but he has seen him being manhandled enough to know that it isn't actually a walk in the park. With the fact how Jared feels his senses shut down whenever Jensen expresses discomfort it is absolutely good thing that he's not doing this alone with Jensen, and even better that he has something to do instead of simply sitting and fretting over Jen.So, he concentrates on the wheelchair, taking it from the corner of the room, pushing it right besidre Jen's bed and triple-checking the breaks. When he's ready, Jensen is already sitting on the edge of his bed, leaning heavily on both Lisa and Kim and hanging his head down, doing the breathing exercises Kim is coaching him through while Lisa rubs soft circles on Jensen's heaving back.-In and out, Jensen, Kim soothes, squatted in front of the man, holding her hands groundingly on his knees and keeping a direct eye contact although Jensen doesn't currently return it. -Take it easy. We have all the time in the world. We can also try some other day if you feel like it.At that, Jensen twitches his head, letting out a gritting sound that isn't even nearly a word but that has a clear meaning in it.-Alright, Kim says evenly. -You tell us, Jensen.Jared shifts gingerly closer, wanting to do something as well. -I won't be mad if we take this to another day, Jen, he says softly. -I know there are bad days sometimes.He already knows though that Jensen has decided what he wants, and that is what he will do.So, they wait, and eventually Jensen relaxes and lifts his head slowly, making the eye contact with Kim. -Ready, he breathes.Kim nods and smiles, stands up and settles back beside Jensen, taking his arm. -We are too, she says, nodding to Lisa. -On three. You count, Jensen?Jensen counts, and the actual transfer to the wheelchair goes swiftly, earning another place of break for breathing for Jensen though. During it, Kim and Lisa arrange Jensen's breathing mask to the rack attached to the chair and tug him in with pillows and blanket.-You have an hour and a half before the doctor's rounds and lunch, Kim says happily. -If you outdo that, you will be grounded for the next week.Jensen groans mockingly, and Jared smiles lopsidedly at the light banter. -We won't, Mrs. Rhodes, he quips, earning a gentle bump of Kim's fist to his shoulder.-You two go already, Kim says. -Don't go too far though. This hospital is a heck of a labyrinth. I won't be the one coming to search for you if you get yourselves lost.—-So, where do you want to go?They are out of the ward's doors, finally, and when the sliding doors close and click locked behind them, Jared would like to do a little cheery dance. Instead, he stays where he is, turning to look at Jensen who looks around slowly and blinking, like he was just landed on some foreign planet. That's probably how it feels to Jen, Jared thinks. He doesn't know for sure where Jen's recollection begins, but it's certain that he can't have any memories from the time when he was brought to the hospital, in critical condition and unconscious after the seizure he suffered in the helicopter that flew him there from the injury site.The familiar strain on Jared's chest starts to build up, and he turns quickly his attention to Jensen, going around the wheelchair and kneeling so that Jen can see him. Jen's still looking around all baffled, blinking like an owl who has just abruptly awakened in the middle of a bright sunlight.-Over there is a coffee machine, Jared says, waving further towards the hall. -There is also a quite nice lounge to sit on. The cantine is a couple of floors down from here.Jensen thinks, his process of turning wheels all visible on his face. -Which floor are we? He rasps. -Actually... which hospital are we?-Oh, yes. Jared feels stupid. -We're in Saint Mary Memorial. Near University Campus. Eight floor.Jensen thinks again, his eyes on his lap. -I've been bad then, have I?The question takes Jared by surprise. Of course Jensen must know, his job earlier was about cooperation with the EMT's and paramedics. He knows very well that Saint Mary takes the worst injured patients from all the county area.-Yes, he says softly, not seeing any reason to deny the truth. -You were.Jensen says nothing else about that, which Jared feels really relieved for. First thing Jensen wants is to see out of the window, so Jared pushes his wheelchair to the lounge where there are big widescreen windows opening over the city.-I have been here all these months, and I haven't even known how it looks outside, Jensen says softly after a while.-You've been so sick, babe, Jared says, equally softly. -You've been under heavy stuff. Morphine, and even stronger.Again, there is silence. Jared stands close to Jensen, holding his hand softly on Jensen's shoulder. He can only imagine how much it takes out of Jen to figure out all of this.-It's so weird... Jensen starts, growing silent. Jared doesn't interrupt him, letting him to think his thought ready before keeping on. -It's so weird that fire was my line of work, and then it almost killed me.Those words are so heavy in the silent room. They drop down one by one, feeling like shaking the ground. Jared keeps silent for a long time, void of words himself.Finally, he crouches down, taking Jensen's hand, his wrist. He needs to feel the familiar pulse under his fingers, hear the breathing he loves the most in this world.-I'm so glad it didn't, he says, his voice far weaker than he wants to. -I'm so glad you lived through it, Jen.—When they walk back towards the ward, Jensen suddenly asks Jared to stop. He looks thoughtfully at the door that stands on the other side of the narrow hall behind the first, locked sliding doors.-What's over there, Jay? he asks, his brow in a deep frown as he looks at the milky glass doors.-It's Burns ICU, Jared explains. He has learned this speech by heart, knowing that one day Jensen will ask him. -You were there the very first weeks, when you needed ventilators, heated room and all that. There are the strictest safety and hygiene protocols I have ever seen. All those safety clothes, masks and gloves, and no-one is let in but the patients' immediate family. I'm so happy you're out of there.Jensen frowns again. -I don't remember much, he says softly.-It's no wonder, Jared says. -You were so weak, and fighting so hard. You had all these wires and tubes all around you, and —Jared takes a shuddering breath, closing his eyes, the memory suddenly rushing over him. He's still trying to calm himself down when he feels a soft touch on his hand.-Thank you, Jay, Jensen says softly. -So much.Jared opens his eyes, smiling gently at Jen's brilliant, green ones. Oh god that look makes him feel lightheaded.-It's been you who's been fighting here, babe, he says. -You and these people in these wards. They are such a treasure. Every single one of them.Jensen listens, deep in his thoughts. -Jay, he says finally. -You just said there were people all in protective clothes?Jared draws up. -Yes?-I've had... I'm having these dreams, Jensen says, his eyes downcast, like he was looking for answers between the layers of his clothes and the blanket in his lap. -Like flashes, actually. With people who have no face but up from their noses. They don't say anything, just loom over me. -Those might be memories, Jen, Jared says enthusiastically. -We can ask from dr. Novak if it's possible, but there were moments you were awake. Groggy and confused, but awake. We even talked together. And, your parents visited too.The look on Jensen’s face makes Jared instantly regret his loose mouth. -My parents were there? He asks with a tiny voice.-Yes, they were, Jared says, equally softly. -They interrupted their Pacific tour and flew here from the middle of nowhere.Jensen chuckles wetly. -I'd be happy to remember that.They sit there for quite a long time — Jensen doesn’t seem to have any haste away, and even though Jared doesn’t actually get the charm of staying in a narrow, blank hall, he isn't going to hurry Jensen forward. -I remember the eyes, Jensen finally says. -Green. A bit almond-shaped. Like a fox. Was it me or also a person?Jared’s breath hitches at that. That one, he knows hundred percent, is a memory. -Yes, she is a person, Jared says. -Her name is Danneel. She took care of you in there.—Danneel looks radiant when she's not clad in her nurse scrubs. She has long, loose dress with giant flowers all over the pattern, a knitted, over-sized cardigan drawn over her shoulders and her fiery red hair on an airy, messy bun-like do with a thin scarf going around her head like a band. Jared blinks his eyes, not sure how to greet her so he extends his hand for a shake. Danneel returns the gesture with a joyful, lively laugh.-How lovely to see you, Jared, she says. -I'm glad you called me. I'm mainly in the BICU so I mostly lose contact with my patients as soon as they change the wards. -Yeah, Jared finally gets out of his mouth. -Jensen remembered you the other day, and we thought to ask dr. Novak if it would be possible to meet you.-It was a sweet thought, Danneel says warmly. -Luckily, this week I have little less hours so I could come over without a problem. How are you, Jared?They walk together to Jensen’s door, chatting amiably this and that. It's quite nice, and soon Jared starts to feel natural in the nurse's presence, the weird mixture of emotions — the conflict between nightmarish past and more calm present as well as Danneel’s nurse self and her civil style, all noticeable but feeling like echoes from different worlds in a way that makes one detached and dizzy — turning into a calm happiness for the fact that this meeting was possible to arrange in the first place.-Jen is waiting for you, Jared says before he opens the door. -We considered the cantine, but in his room, he can rest if he needs to and you don’t need to interrupt anything because of it.Danneel nods, understanding. -You aren't coming in? She asks.-I think I'll go and check what's for lunch in cantine today, and I could join you later, Jared says. -I'm sure you have things to talk just between the two of you.-Sounds fair, Danneel says. -I have an hour and a half before my shift starts.-I'll come after an hour then, Jared decides, and Danneel complies. -Danneel... Thank you for everything. It’s your doing what you'll see behind that door.Danneel's eyes soften with her smile. -Your husband is one of a kind, Jared. Hold on to him.They share one long, silent look of mutual understanding and a hug, tight and warm, and then Jared sighs to brace himself, lets out a teary smile and turns to go.—Danneel’s soft knock on the door is answered with a raspy, low voice that sounds still heavily affected by the injuries she remembers quite well. It's much more recognizable as a human voice than the very first one croaks she remembers from Jensen in the BICU though. She opens the door gingerly and stops at the door edge to look at the man with green eyes and short, soft hair that have started to grow in place of the burned ones.Jensen’s sitting on a bed with its head tilted upwards, his bandaged hands on his lap, a blanket and a sheet draped over his sharp knees and thin legs. Not a sight of space sheet anywhere, although the thick robe suggests that the man is still prone to cold.His face look strained, and for a moment Danneel suspects that seeing her would be still too much for the recovering man, but then Jensen lifts his face and finds the nurse’s, his face lighting up with recognition.-Come in, Jensen says softly, nodding towards the chair beside his bed.-Hi, Jensen, Danneel greets and slips in, laying her bag to the floor and sitting on a chair. This role is much more strange for her than the one where she briskly walks in, greets chirpily and starts with checking the charts, monitors or asking how the patient's doing.Jensen looks at her with a quizzical expression. Danneel realizes that this is Jensen she has never met and most probably Jensen shares the same sentiment. -I remember you, Jensen says. Under the painfully raspy sound there is a pleasant, low and a little rumbling tone. -I've seen your eyes so many times but had no idea whose they were.Danneel smiles, relaxing now that the opening line is not hers to deliver. -It’s nice to hear that you remember, she says. -I was your appointed nurse for the moment you came in.Jensen swallows, his eyes growing moist. -So I owe you my life.Danneel laughs kindly. -I can't take the honor to myself for that. It’s teamwork.-Yeah, Jensen says thoughtfully. -I have these flashes of masses of people in my room. I thought those were nightmares. He shifts a bit, chuckling embarrassedly. -I'm not really a crowd person, you know.-In ICU, the tems are big, Danneel says. -I spent every day with you for the month and a half you spent in the ICU, but there were so many others. You work with many even now. Dr. Novak, Missouri, Kim and Linda...Jensen looks surprised. -Kim and Linda were in the ICU?-Yes. Your physiotherapy started right when you come here. Right when your vitals are stable. At first, it's not gym or anything of course but more like changing your positions, helping you to breathe and stuff like that. You were so badly hurt that we really needed to thread carefully in tending to you.Jensen nods, looking suddenly hesitating. -I don’t remember anything from the accident or ICU, Danneel. Could you —?Danneel smiles soothingly. -It's very common that you don’t remember, Jensen. There’s nothing to be worried about. The trauma you went through was so vast and the medication you got so strong that it alone takes your memories away. It will come to you, piece by piece. Don’t worry.Jensen closes his eyes, sighing. -I feel like I'm asking at least once every day what has happened, he admits. -It doesn’t seem to stay in my mind.Danneel thinks for a moment what to say. Jensen seems distressed for his lack of memory, and he certainly seems a person who wants to be on the top of things that are happening to him.-My colleagues know that, Jensen, she says eventually. -It's very common reaction after traumatic injuries like you have experienced. Don’t worry about it.She smiles, aiming to encourage. -It's only good that you ask, she says. -It helps you in coping, and I'm no way a neurologist but I have understood it also helps your brain stimulate, create new connections between things. You process the information at your own speed, and you have every right to.Jensen glances out of the window. There is a thing that has been bothering him but somehow he hasn't had it in him to speak about it. Danneel here won't judge him for sure, and soon she won't be in his life anymore even if he at some point starts to regret his openness.-Jared seems anxious because of it, he says. -He doesn’t want me to see, he wants me to feel supported, but he's having such a hard time.-It might be wise to not ask Jared, Danneel suggests. -He is in the middle of it all, and he has had it hard too. He might be too close to hear your questions the right way.The silence lands between them, neither of them rushing to instantly fill it. Jensen uses it arranging his mental notepad of question to be asked, Danneel looking at her former patient, seeing how far he has become and letting the knowledge warm her heart. It's not too common to get to meet patients after they have passed the treatments. Christmas cards are common and very nice way to have a contact of sorts, but actually meeting one of them is a rare treat. -How much time do you have with me? Jensen asks, breaking the silence.-My shift starts in an hour and a half.Jensen's eyes go wide. -You came here before your shift just for me? He asks, incredulous. -A coffee break would have done it.Danneel chuckles softly. -No, Jensen, not in the ICU, she says. -I never go far from my appointed patient, much less out of the whole ward.-So you spent all your working days with me?-I have one or two patients at a time, Danneel says. -It depends. During the first weeks, you needed constant monitoring so yes, that’s what I did.Jensen grows silent. -Wow. I don’t know what to say.-You don’t need to say anything particular, Jensen. It's what I do for work.Jensen thinks a bit. -May I ask - the job you’re doing isn’t the easiest one possible. Why did you choose it?Danneel's eyes soften. -I didn’t actually choose it, she says. -It choose me, in a way.Danneel rolls her long sleeve up, letting Jensen see the scars going from her wrists all up to her elbows, red and plotchy like she had a growth of intestines on the surface on her skin.-I had scalding water all over my lap when I was four, she says. -My chest and stomach look pretty much like this as well.She rolls the sleeve back down, glancing at Jensen who sits on his place all silent, listening intently but not seeming especially shocked. Definitely surprised, but not afraid or pitying, like you would think of after hearing something like that. For the first time, Danneel thinks fleetingly what kind of situations the man might have encountered in his work as a firefighter.-I spent months in a hospital in the area my family lived at that time, Danneel says. -I had all those wound baths, bandage changings, surgeries. After all I went through I... Well. It changed my view of life, basically. I couldn’t think of any other job with the similar interest and enthusiasm.Jensen keeps silent, looking at her seriously. Empathetically. -You are a strong woman, Danneel, he finally says.This time, the silence is deeper. Fragile.-Here I see strong people every day, Danneel finally dodges the praise with a smile. -Yours is one of those I’ll definitely carry with me.She shifts, glancing at the clock on the wall.-So, how are you doing these days, Jensen? You haven’t said a thing of yourself this far.—After Danneel has left, Jensen is happy as a horse, but tired as well. When Jared comes from his lunch in the cantine, they speak a little, watch a little tv, but soon Jensen's fast asleep. Jared doesn’t mind — he has his work laptop with him and he knows Jensen most probably hasn't let himself or Danneel go easy on their talk. He simply opens his excels and starts typing, letting Jensen have his rest.Jen has a mask on his face, and his brows are furrowed like he was thinking of some quizzical problem. Seeing the expression brings an instant memory on Jared's mind, both sweet and a little sad.A year or two ago, Jen started to do some sudokus during their lazy Saturday breakfast. Jared snickered at it, but Jensen defended himself vehemently. -A man going on fifty is not young anymore, Jay, he presented. -If I want to keep my mind sharp as a nail, I need exercise. It’s not coming free of charge like when we were young. Jared never quite got it, but he let Jen have his “middle age act” like he mockingly called it. Now, Jen’s expression is almost the same as when he pondered his sudokus, and Jared has to smile at it. His smile has a sad undertone on it though — what would he do to have his husband with him at home, bantering around doing sudokus, instead of laying in a hospital and needing help breathing. Maybe half an hour later, he realizes that Jen’s breathing seems somehow llaborious. Jen has the mask on, but still he seems to struggle to have air. Jared frowns and draws up, taking his hand gently on Jen’s cheek. -Babe?Jensen doesn't seem to react, and Jared quickly lets his eyes wipe over his husband's form. He notices that the sheet covering Jen has wet stains on it, and when he lifts the sheet, he sees that Jen’s chest is pooling with sweat and his chest is heaving. He has barely registered all that when Jen suddenly tenses harshly, his body starting to twitch and tremble.He freezes for a millisecond before his brain gets the impulse and he attacks the nurse call button, pressing it several times before he goes back to Jen, taking his trembling hand inside his own. -Jen? he pleads. -Baby, please, open your eyes. Can you hear me at all? Jensen!Oh my God, is the thought attacking Jared’s mind when the tries to talk Jensen out of it, touch him to ground him and hold him down to not trash, to not aggravate his sites of latest skin transplant surgery.He understands what is happening not earlier than Jen's head tilts violently backwards, his face turning into a grimace and his teeth showing behind his tightened lips.Oh my god. This can’t be it.Jared’s about to lose it himself when the door flies open and Lisa comes in with younger brunette. Melissa, Jared thinks. The night nurse.-I don’t know what happened, Jared babbles nervously, jumping on the other side of the bed to give the two nurses some room around Jensen and his wheelchair.-He fell asleep alright, nothing unusual happened. He slept hours without a sound, and then, suddenly, he just started to do this, he explains hastily.He’s unable to look away from Jensen’s face, all flushed, sweaty, pale. Jensen’s panicked, shallow breathing makes Jared feel tight on his chest too, and he has to struggle to keep his own breath in control.Lisa and Melissa work around Jensen for a while. Lisa instructs Melissa, and suddenly Jared remembers hearing that she’s here doing her final internship prior to her graduation. What a place to work in, Jared thinks blurrily, not for the first time during the last month and a half. He lays his head against his hands, trying to keep count on the flow of air getting in and out. In and out. In and out. The soft voices of the nurses waft around him, and he tries to cling to it, to make sense of their words.They speak to Jensen. They speak to Jensen, their voices this tone that Jared knows too well, calm and even but secretly rushed, it's meaning everything else but how it sounds.He feels nauseous.
Jensen, it's Lisa and Melissa here. Everything’s okay, just keep breathing. We got you, Jensen, alright?
Melissa, get dr. Novak.
I'm going to take your temperature, Jensen. Just a quick check, just take it easy.
Dr. Novak will be here in a minute, don’t worry.
Jared is here as well.
Jared is here as well. Those are the words that yank him back into here and now.He’s already seeing nothing of his tears when more running steps and murmured words surround him, and he is basically blind when deft hands lead him to the hall. It has happened so many times before that he doesn’t even consider anything like opposing the actions he’s subjected to. -Jared? There are Lisa's concerned eyes in front of him, her gentle hand on his shoulders. -Would you…?Jared nods, knowing before the nurse has said what she has in her mind. -Yes, he says, scrambling up and turning towards the door. Behind him, Jensen wheezes to breathe, moaning softly. There is someone speaking to him soothingly, soft, reassuring nonsense.-I'll wait in the hall.-Thank you, Jared. Lisa sounds genuinely apologizing. -We’ll come back to you as soon as possible.As soon as Jensen has stopped seizing, Jared thinks. The alternative looms in the back of his mind, but he struggles to keep it at arm's length. -Thank you, he says, walking yet another reluctant steps away from his husband.In the corridor, he decides that this is far enough and sags to the closest chair by the wall. It doesn’t matter where he stays, gazing at the opposite wall with empty eyes. Here, he will at least be as close as Jen as possible.He squeezes his eyes shut, trying in vain to keep the hot tears under his eyelids. He doesn’t hear the light footsteps approaching him until there is a careful, soft girl's voice protruding into the fog that currently is his mind.-Jared? Is it you? The voice says, and warm, tiny arms wrap around him. -I'm so sorry, the voice whispers. -I'm sure it'll be alright.
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
-Let me get this straight now. Burn injuries, inhalation injury and now, a lung infection?-Yep. -And until now, he was---?-He was almost out of continuous medication until now. Of course, he's having fluids, blood supplements and sustaining medication, but he was almost out of opioids, for example. -Hmm. Such a shame. -Yes. The two doctors, standing on the other side of the hospital room window watching their patient on his bed and his husband dozing beside it, let out a simultaneous sigh. It's surely common to have setbacks coming out of injuries like this, but they are never welcomed. The other doctor, older man wearing scrubs under his lab coat, comes back first. -I'd go one step at a time right here, he says thoughtfully. -He's on a broad spectrum antibiotics now?-Yes. Dr. Novak nods, happy to move towards a more clean, professional ground. Heavens know he has had his fill of worrying over the young man and his husband struggling out of this. -The samples were taken an hour ago. Another doctor glances at the clock. -It is scarcely if the lab guys are able to do it today, he says. -There were quite long queues earlier in the day. -I put them into a quick line, dr. Novak points out. -And I included a message explaining the situation. -Sometimes it helps, sometimes not, his colleague says. -Anyway, it's Thursday, so it'll surely be before weekend when we know. Dr. Novak chuckles bitterly. -Small mercies. His colleague's reply is but a compliant hum. -I see he's not in a ventilator, he remarks. -What's his oxygen sat?-Holding up, dr. Novak says. -Between 92 and 96. -Have you considered any means of aiding his breathing?-His husband begged me on his knees to not to move him back to BICU. I thought if we could try without a ventilator.This earns a baffled lift of an eyebrow from snother doctor.-The way this all started there is a real possibility of him having a very aggressive form of infection, Jimmy, he says. -I'd start to ease up the truth also for them. It might end up into that, whether we want it or not. The silence falls between the two men, still watching keenly on the unchanging tableau in front of their eyes.-What do I do if it's pneumonia?He doesn't receive the answer right away. -Let's hope it's not. —-So, how was it with Danneel?Jared smiled at his husband, happy seeing his equally joyful smile. They were doing Jen's daily stretches together, and talking about Jensen’s coffee date was a perfect distraction. And it worked too — Jen grimaced slightly every now and then, but then they stopped and took some breathes, and soon he was well again to keep on. Jensen huffed out a breath, one of many, and turned his toes gingerly towards the roof.-Weird, he said. -But nice. She told me so much.Another stretch, another huff and pause.-And I really started to think, Jay — I'd love to meet some people, Jensen kept on. -Do you think I could get the guys from work here?Jared took his hands away, stopping to snicker at his husband.-Are you kidding me? They have been in a queue behind your door to see you. Every day, I speak on a phone with some of them.Jensen’s smile was dazzling now.-I really think I'm getting better, Jay.—I really think I'm getting better. Fuck what a soap opera line that would be if Jen died now.Jared sits in the hall, weeping, thinking, trying to not to think. Sandra sits with him, soothes him. That's the good side of peer support right here: someone who knows exactly what's happening, even without a word. The clock ticks on, but neither of them registers it.—-You can come in, Mr. Padalecki.The merciful words sound hopefully soon, only a little more than an hour after Jared has been herded out of Jensen’s room. Sandra — the girl with the baby who found Jared from the hall and sat with him as a mental support waiting for the outcome — smiles and nods, encouraging.-Just go, she says softly. -I'll go and check if they are ready with Brady's treatments already.When Jared steps in from the door dr. Novak is holding open, Jen’s coming around, blinking towards the roof. He's not seeing a thing yet, that’s clear as a day, but the fact that he's at least conscious instantly loosens the tightest band around Jared’s chest. -I need to examine him, but you may stay, the doctor says, and Jared has never appreciated the man more.He stands by the door, watching as Lisa and some other nurse work on Jensen who has already tubes on the ports of his elbows.-The rapidly risen fever indicates on infection of some kind, the doctor explains to Jared. -We're running some samples to detect which kind, but his symptoms suggest it's pneumonia. He's having a wide range antibiotics already, but if we'll find out pneumonia being the case we will add a steroid medication. Jared gulps, glancing at his husband. Jensen seems all out of it, his eyes closed once more. -Jensen is more vulnerable on different kinds of lung conditions because of his injuries, dr. Novak says. -It's not unusual at all though for a patient with a prolonged hospital stay and ventilator treatment to have a lung infection. We will treat Jensen's condition aggressively and effectively, his full recovery as our main goal. -What about his recovery in a whole? -This is an unfortunate setback in his recovery for sure, dr. Novak says. -If this is discovered as pneumonia, the convalescing time can be long. Even with previously healthy people, it may take weeks or months to get back to the earlier fit and condition. But — , dr. Novak lifts his hand, wanting to end his message before Jared interrupts him, — we are always prepared for something like this. It is highly unusual for badly injured patient to recover without any setbacks during the route.There's a thoughtful silence, and then, the doctor speaks again.-I know this won't comfort you at all, Jared, he says gingerly. -But we as your husband's healthcare personnel are hundred percent ready to get him through this as well as anything else there might occur. We take a day at a time, and we cross every bridge as it comes to us. Somehow, hearing this actually feels oddly comforting to Jared. He doesn't say anything though, deciding that his own take on the subject can very well be concentrating on Jen's every moment without worrying too much of the details of his state. Still, something is still nagging on the back of his mind.-How about the seizure he had?-It was very short, under a minute, and ended without interrupting, dr. Novak explains. -Those are all positive signs. We are working on it though. The first thing I need to do is check Mr. Ackles' neurologic state. By now, we are in an assumption that it was a febrile seizure. Knowing your husband's medical history we need to examine it a bit deeper.Jared wakes Jen up gently. He has his hand softly on Jensen's all the time while dr. Novak does his examination — what's your name, where you are, how many fingers, all that jazz. Jen's voice is soft and uncertain, still so tired and groggy, but his answers are clear and he's speaking organized. That's what takes the last of Jared’s worry away. Not completely, but sufficient.He concentrates on the fact that Jen is awake. Nothing else. Not to how strengthless he suddenly is, too tired to hold his hand up when Lisa attaches an IV into his port. How wet, hard and wheezing his breathing sounds. How weak his coughs are when he tries to free his lungs of the sputum. How he barely reacts to the doctor’s words outside of answering his questions.How sweaty and pale, how clearly sick he is.-You should start to feel better in two or three days, dr. Novak is saying. -When the samples are ready, we know if we accompany the antibiotics with steroids or if the current regimen is enough. Meanwhile, try to have some rest. Dr. Novak stops for emphasis. -Jensen? He asks softly, and Jensen opens his eyes. -This is a discomfort we are able to make better. Please tell us if you feel anything off. Like more pain or short of breath. Alright?Jen nods, and Jared’s heart sinks. Here he has an evidence of what he has been suspecting all along: Jen is keeping things, his pain, his anxiety, out of his eyes. He's protecting Jared from it like he always has. Even now, when Jensen is weaker and sicker than he ever has been he still puts Jared before himself. Jared is not sure how he feels about it. Partly it's sweet that Jensen has this protective gentleman act, and it has also been part of their relationship dynamics from the very start, from the moment they first met actually. Partly, it feels irritating. They are both grown-up men, Jared sure as hell can take care of himself, and what is it that he's done during these past months if not carrying them both?This is not a right time for discussion like that though. Jared simply strokes Jen's hand, reminding without words that he's here.Jen sleeps the rest of the day. It's far from the restful slumber though — it's fitful, restless and animated. Jensen falls asleep alright, but after some time — sometimes minutes, sometimes almost quarter of an hour — he starts to move and vocalize restlessly, like there was something chasing after him in his sleep. Jared’s soothing words or touch does nothing to calm him down but at some point he wakes up at his own scream or a forceful wince of his own. He also sweats profusely, and Lisa brings Jared a rag he can wipe Jensen to cool him down and make him feel better. Jared also gets some ice cubes he gives to Jensen to eat every time he is awake enough to be able to swallow.Just before midnight, Jared wakes up with a jolt to Jensen trembling convulsively.-What is that? Oh my God, what is that?!Nicki is there, supporting Jen up and against his matress. Jen's too tired to sit up, too tired to hold his body upright even with the mount of pillows supporting him. His face is sweaty, and he moans softly as he turns his head towards Jared, not seeing him although his eyes are wide open.-We need ice, Nicki says to a nurse helping her that Jared doesn’t recognize. He is a young guy, all business as he nods and scurries out of the door.-Why? Jared asks, feeling dumb. Jensen’s face is wet and flushed, he's struggling too hard to breathe, but his trembles are calming down already, thank God.-It will lower his fever and make him feel better, Nicki explains. -There are limits on how well antipyretics work. Sometimes old tricks are much better.The young guy comes back in with a bucket of ice. They let Jared stay, and he sits where he is, not letting go of Jensen’s hand come what may, soothing him with his touch when he moans and arch away from the cold he's feeling.Most of the time, he can't see if Jensen’s understanding him being there or not, but every now and then, his sweat-slick hand twitches inside Jared’s and it's like he tries to grab him. That’s when Jared crouches closer to Jensen’s face, whispering soothing nonsenses into his ear, hoping that Jensen can hear him.Jen's conscious so he should, shouldn’t he, when they were told that he could even when he was deeply unconscious and under the masses of drugs?The clock is showing the smallest numbers when Jensen’s blood is drawn once again. His coughing has turned into a weak, convulsive wheezing, and his lungs are cleaned several times with a suction tube he fights against with all of his weakened body's might. Jared tries not to see it, the horrible sight of a helpless insect trapped into a giant cobweb in its death throes. He's simply holding the twitching fingers, answering Jen's long, dragging mumbles of undecipherable words or outright moans of pain with his own, soft confessions of love.It's four o'clock in the morning when there is finally silence in the room. Jensen's fever is still high, but it's evened out instead of shooting up again and again every fifteen minutes. His breath is rattling, but it doesn’t seem painful now that his moans have died down. He's having an oxygen mask that's blowing warm, humidified air into his mouth and nose. Nicki said it should ease up the phleghm forming in his lungs as well, diminishing the need to suction his lungs which makes him struggle and hurt.The sun is peeking on the horizon when Jared flinches awake from his light doze, feeling the limp fingers inside his hand twitching softly. Jen blinks dazedly towards the roof, his throat working in painful looking swallows and a soft, wet grunts coming out.-Jen? ---The warehouse was full of storaged construction material, the emergency services were told. No explosives, nothing toxic. No-one was missing, but it was a huge cimplex so it was always possible there were someone, or someone's, in it.Jeffrey uncharacteristically sweared telling them where they were going. It was always beyond bad to go in a place that wasn’t fully knowledgeable. The less they new the more they needed to find out in sight and during a big catastrophe it was always a scenario no-one wanted to end up with.They went, of course, as part of the first responders team that consisted of fire trucks and ambulances. In the first truck drove Jeffrey with Victor who had the most experience but also photographic memory and mind sharp as a knife. Jensen and Steve were on truck three, and when they arrived, the happenings were in a full swing.-Take hall five, Jeffrey commanded them. -Full gear on. Extra oxygen with you. The area is wide. -Anybody there already? Steve enquiried in the radio when they sprinted full speed towards their destination, tanks and hoses in hand.-No, was Jeffrey’s answer. -You're the first ones to enter. Victor has evaluated the building from outside and maps, and there shouldn’t be anything surprising in the reconstructions. I'll send Jamie and Tom there as soon as I can.That's how they went. The area was filled with unpenetrable smoke, but that was their usual setting of working. Jensen emptied his mind from anything else but their task, sharpening his senses to see and hear anything important. Check the area. Get the civilians to safety. Contain and suppress the fire. Come out alive.They had moved on to the third storage hall without any incidents when they heard distant explosions. Radio in Jensen’s ear cracked, filling up with Jeffrey’s voice.-Unit 3, hearing your report. Steve’s voice replied instantly. -All nice and clear, boss. Currently in hall three. -Good. Jeffrey’s voice had a slight, weird edge on it. -Jensen, you hear as well?Jensen pushed the button on his neck to open the line. -Nice and clear, boss.-Alright. Now, you listen to me very carefully. We have met unexpected difficulties on the site. You come out of there as soon as you can, am I clear?That was the last time they heard Jeffrey’s or each others' voices. ---Jared has found the nurse bell before his eyes are correctly open. When he gets his sight straight, he sees Jensen’s eyes full of tears. The sight make his chest constrict, but he's able to act in spite of it.-Hey, babe, he soothes, taking a rug from the table and patting Jen's temples softly with it. He's sweaty again, he notices in concern. Is the fever peaking again?Jen hums under the mask, the soft plastic fogging gently in the rhythm of his inhale. Jared smiles at him, crouching closer for Jen to see. That’s when he realizes that it's not him Jensen sees but someone else.His words are barely above a whisper, a soft murmur, but Jared gets them when he strains his hearing.The words make him feel cold, even in the warmth of Jensen’s hospital room.-Steve, Jensen says softly, his voice sounding distressed. It's like he is calling the man. -Hey, guys... help. Fuck. The thoughts, million at a time, attack Jared from all the directions. He wants to shake Jensen awake, tell him that Steve's not here. At the same time, he wants to hear what Jensen's unconscious ramblings cook up. Because he's not here, that’s obvious by now.-Babe, he whispers, turning the cool side of the rag and pressing it gently on Jen’s temple. -Babe, it's me, Jay. Steve's not here.Jensen flinches, letting out a distressed moan.-Burns, he whispers. -Here...I'm here. Please. Please...Steve...Jared quickly draws up, seeing Jensen’s position against the pillows saggy and tilted.-Let me help you up a bit, okay?Jen closes his eyes, humming in discomfort as Jared lifts him but seems much better when they are done. He blinks lethargically at the glass of ice chips Jared shows him, taking gingerly a couple of chips and sighs deep when he sags back against his pillows. -Don’t worry, babe, Jared says to him, wanting to soothe Jensen but also fill the silence of the room with some other than the voices of sickness. -You got a high fever, so you'll be feeling woozy for a time. It's nothing to be too worried about.Jensen’s eyes are blank as they turn slowly towards Jared. His voice is barely audible at first, and he clears his throat, his eyes tearing up and his hand wandering to his chest.-Don’t speak now, babe, Jared shushes, covering the hand with his own. -We'll have time later.Jen's expression seems almost prosecuting when he finds Jared’s eyes with his own. He looks at him tiredly for a moment, then his eyes close, seemingly against his will.-Sleep now, Jared whispers, arranging the mask gently on Jen’s face. -We'll speak later.—Kim is uncharacteristically serious when he comes to meet Jensen, Jared notices. She's never rough-handed but this time her hands are extra gentle as they land on Jensen's body. It's no moving for Jensen this time, it's simple breathing exercises and gentle talk Kim doesn't wait for Jensen to answer. Jen lays eyes closed, his forehead frowning, concentrated or in pain — Jared can't know. Jen has asked for oxygen mask or more pain drugs a couple of times, but Jared's certain Jensen's still keeping the most of his discomfort to himself. Knowing that infuriates Jared, but there's nothing he can do — he won't confront Jensen now when Jen is having enough on his plate already. The exercises Kim does seem very light, but they exhaust Jensen so that he falls asleep almost instantly after her leaving. Nicki comes in at the same door opening, only nodding and smiling at Jared when he sees Jensen asleep. -All good here? she whispers after she has checked Jen's vitals and monitors and scribbled the notes. -The same, Jared replies, and Nicki nods again. -That's expected, she says. -I think it's time to go home for the night, Jared. Jensen's fever is keeping high, but it's even. It's a good sign. You have just reached a healthy rhythm between sleeping and staying awake. Don't ruin it now.-What if something happens during the night?-We have your number, Nicki reassures. -You'll know instantly. —Hot. Cold. Everything felt fuzzy and detached, but the feeling of his body sweating and shaking in turns was a constant. He realized the voices around him were words, but he couldn't strain his understanding enough to be able to connect the vowels, weave the meaningless voices together into meaningful portions. Hands were there, and he wanted to tell how they hurt, how they burned, but his throat felt too tight to draw a breath lest let out a sound of his own. Escape, he realized. I need to go. I need to get out of here. I'll die if I stay here. He opened his eyes, seeing nothing but thick smoke, bitter and scalding hot on his lips and mouth and then his throat and lungs. It burned, it made his eyes tear up.
I need to find the door. Where's the fucking door?
There's a cracking sound on his ear, and he hears hasty voice, panting and wheezing in an attempt to speak.
We need to get out of here, Jensen! Where are you? Fucking answer me now, man! Where are you?
He tried to move, but something stuck into his hand, a weight pressing his body down. He struggled the best he could, but the weight stayed where it was, and now his legs were pinned down as well. I'm dying, he thought. I'm dying. I'm so sorry, Steve.
Steve!?!
—
-Don't get scared when you see him, Lisa says, and Jared's breath catches immediately. -What has happened?Lisa nods towards the door, letting Jared walk beside her. -He has a non-invasive breathing mask on, she explains. -He didn't take it very well, so he's under a light sedation. That was the only way we could get his saturation to acceptable levels. The only alternative was intubation, and that we wanted to avoid at all costs. It's better for Jensen if he can survive without intubation, because the tube forms a new kind of risk for him. Jared sits on Jensen's bedside, taking the limp hand into his. Jensen's eyes are closed, but his eyes move under his eyelids. -Hi, he says softly. -Calm down, babe. Please. Jensen's eyes shoot open, and he looks at Jared with totally horrified, glazed expression. His lips barely move as he presses one single word out from between his lips.-Why?—When Jared comes back in the morning, Jensen is awake, and he's pissed. Dr. Novak stands on his feet, a patient expression on his face. -Kim will be visiting you with breathing exercises, Jensen, he is explaining. -Nothing more tedious as long as your fever's this high. Your lungs are still recuperating from the smoke inhale injuries, and now the infection is doing more harm in there. We want to make sure you'll have as easy to breathe as possible also for the rest of your life. Jen's not saying a thing, but Jared sees from his whole being that he's about to explode — actually, he would have done it already if he was faring any better, that much of outraged energy is wafting around him. Dr. Novak stays matter of fact, though. He's not ready with his news. -Speaking of your lungs, Jensen, he says, glancing at Jared, who stands on the door. -Can I speak with your husband present or do you want to hear this in private?Jen twitches his head minutely. -Present, he sighs. -Alright. Dr. Novak takes a breather, and Jared ponders if he has to rephrase his message to be suitable for Jared's ears as well. -You haven't told us about any difficulties in breathing, but your oxygen saturation is barely holding at 90. It's serious, Jensen — below 85 percent means severe lack of oxygen that starts to effect your brain. Jen's eyes grow wide. -No ventilator, he says hastily. -Please. Dr. Novak nods with a tiny smile. -In that I can give you partly good news, he says. -I assume you mean intubation which means the ventilator tube down your throat. Both men nod, their eyes similarly horrified now. -We are not so far gone yet, dr. Novak soothes. -We have a half way possibility called non-invasive ventilation. In case you start to struggle and get tired in breathing, so you need something to aid you. There is a special mask designed for these kinds of situations. It will keep your airways open and do some of the work so that you'll have the rest you really need to get better. It can help avoid going all the way to the ventilator. Jensen, a bit surprisingly, is the first to recover from the news. -So, with this mask — I can stay here?Dr. Novak smiles and nods. -Yes, Jensen, he reassures. -Having this kind of mask on you don’t need to transfer back into the BICU. It is a lighter equipment also to maintain so there’s no problem whatsoever.Hearing that calms Jensen down, and Jared shares the sentiment full-heartedly. His hand reaches for Jensen’s when his husband nods at the doctor. -Then, I approve of using that mask. The non-invasive.
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
-Jensen? Jared’s right here. Just let me get us to your room and put your wires back on. Then I'll let him back close to you, alright?Lisa's voice is calm and soothing, but it seems to do nothing to help Jen. Jared watches distressedly as Jensen’s head turns sluggishly on his pillow, his eyes darting from unknown orderly to another when his bed is wheeled out of the elevator to the lobby where Jared is waiting. Somehow, warmly tugged in with several blankets and the breathing mask over his fever-flushed face, Jensen looks too vulnerable to handle. Jared barely has enough patience to wait until Jen's bed is out from the elevator and Lisa nods at him reassuringly. He's on Jen’s side in a flash, taking his hot and dry hand under the blankets inside his own.-Jen, he greets gently, wiping a sweaty strand of hair out of Jensen’s brow with gentle fingers. -Babe, it's alright. I'm here. Jensen's confused eyes move towards Jared, struggling to find him for a moment and closing tiredly. Jared knows from the sudden stronger fogging of the mask that Jensen is either feeling worse or trying to say something. Jared lightly rubs the hand under the blanket in soothing motion.-Take it easy now, babe, he whispers. -It's alright. Everything's alright.All the while, the bed is moving towards the ward, and now they stop and orderly reaches to press the doorbell on the side of the door. Jared glances at Lisa who is standing on Jensen's other side, taking care that all the wires are going to right places. Jen has been taken down to the CT with the minimum of equipment, but still there are a mass of stuff for Lisa to handle.Part of Jared feels extremely bad seeing Jensen this out of it, but other recognizes a slight relief in it, doubled with a hope that Jen may also have a moment of rest when he's not realizing everything around himself so painfully clear.At first, Jen's suddenly spiked fever was diagnosed as pneumonia — a condition worth of taking seriously but unfortunately nothing unexpected knowing his prolonged ventilation, bed rest and lung issues, said dr. Novak soothingly. Broad spectrum antibiotics were ordered, Jen’s oxygenation strengthened with medication and cannulas, his coughing and breathing exercises started.Then, on a night four, Jen’s fever broke the roof and he went all delirious. He was rushed to the series of exams and the outcome was an abscess — a pocket filled with puss and fluid inside Jen's left lung. Jensen couldn’t stand both the breathing mask and a drainage tube he needed to get rid of the abscess at once so he was put into a light sleep for a day and a half.Now, they are coming from the check-up number three. First drainage process didn't quite do the trick, so Jensen was put through another wringer, spending with yet another set of miserable nights with a drainage tube in his side.Jared has stayed with him all through it, day and night, half of the time not believing that they were back here, almost like in the beginning of all of this cruelty. His cell phone has laid abandoned somewhere on the corner under his carelessly tossed jacket for days. Once again, the world around the hospital has ceased to exist.The orderlies leave right after they have got Jensen’s bed into a place, and Jensen seems much more calm when he's back in familiar surroundings with no strange people in the room. His breathing is heavy and laborious and he's clearly feeling bad but he has seemingly found some amount of rest, not feeling the need to follow everything that's happening around him. In Jared's gentle call, his eyes calm down to look at him for a shortest moment, and then they close heavily. Jared closes his eyes too, lowering his head with a deep sigh. Lisa stops, lays the wire she's adjusting to the bedding and comes closer. Jared stirs up to her soothing hand on his arm.-You are doing so good, Jared, Lisa says softly. -Would you like to take a break? I'll be here with Jensen for a moment more, I need to check his bag anyway. That's another reminder of a cruel setback —Jen is back in catheter. He was so happy to get rid of it, Jared thinks. He was so certain everything would be well, eventually. Why did this have to happen now? Like some greater power out there wanted to punish Jensen for something. Lisa's eyes are in front of him, questioning, and he remembers. Oh yes, Lisa just asked him something. -I'm fine, thanks, he says, blankly, automatically. -Maybe a cup of coffee. -Take your time, Lisa says, looking at Jen and smoothing out the sheet over his chest with her hand. -I'll stay here with Jensen. Jared goes, and Lisa stops to look after him. She isn't used to feeling pity for her patients or their families — she believes more in empathy and actions than feeling sorry — but she has to admit that this feels a bit too much.Her patient shifting under her hand brings her back into the moment. Jensen is struggling his eyes open, the mask on his face fogging in accelerated pattern. Lisa takes her hand closer to Jensen's face, knowing he senses the touch more easily that way. -Jensen, hey, she says soothingly. -Jared will be back soon. He just went to have some coffee. She keeps her hand where it is for a moment, as a grounding presence for the man she clearly sees in anxiety and pain. She checks the monitors, trying to find the reasons for the discomfort from there. Jensen's pulse is slightly accelerated, like it has been for the last five days. His fever is sawing between high and moderate which is definitely an improvement compared to the earlier levels of high and very high. -Would you like to have an ice chip? she asks. -No water, I'm sorry. We want to keep that nausea at bay, don't we? She takes the glass of partly melted ice chips from the table. Jensen shudders when she removes the drawstring behind Jensen's ear that keeps the mask in place, turning his face away. She stops at that, taking a moment to think. It's not many times that Jensen has turned down the chance to have some water. It's always making his throat feel better. -I'm sorry, Jensen, she says softly, adjusting the mask back to her patient's face. -What is wrong? Do you hurt?Jensen doesn't answer, it's like he didn't hear the question at all. Lisa stands back up and keeps on doing her things. Maybe it's something in the catheter or the wires that is bothering Jensen? She adjusts the wires and takes care of the urinal bag, chatting to her patient soothingly as she always tends to do. Finally she arranges the tube poking out from Jensen's side nice and straight, ready to bend down to check the amount and color of the outtake. That's when Jensen tenses and grimaces, letting out a soft whimper of pain. Lisa's hands stop instantly, her eyes turning to look at Jensen's.-I'm sorry, Jensen, she says softly. -What is it?Jensen's answer is a soft, undecipherable murmur. Lisa calls for him once again, and when she doesn't get a reply, she glances at the numbers at the monitor. The fever's the same, but the monitor is blinking, indicating that the number is going up. -Don't worry, Jensen, Lisa says, reaching to squeeze Jensen's trembling hand groundingly. -We'll get this sorted out, I promise.When she gingerly peels open the bandage that protects the incision for the tube going in between Jensen's ribs, she knows what it is by the putrid, musty smell even before she sees the reddened edges of the incision.—-He's burning up, Jared says with concern from the side, following keenly Jensen's gulps of air and his eyes moving rapidly under his eyelids. -Lisa?-He's disorganized, Lisa says softly. -Dr. Novak must know. Can you sit with him? I'll be away only for a second. Jared nods, wrapping both his hands gently around Jen's. Jensen is still murmuring something that are words but completely impossible to understand, and his brow is in a deep frown. He's clearly in a discomfort of some kind, but Jared can't be sure if it's something he sees or hears in his feverish delirium or if it's about actual, physical pain. -Jensen, Lisa is getting help, he simply says, hoping that his voice and touch could bring some relief. -Whatever it is, they will know the way to help you. I'm sure of that. Which he's not, but that's not something he's going to tell Jensen. Soon, Jared has let go of all the reasonings and concentrates only in keeping Jensen aware of his presence. Jensen moans aloud, his voice muffled under the mask, and he's turning his head to the side with agonized grunts. Jared does his best in soothing him, but it's not helping much, at least not seeming that way. In childhood, Jared's mum told him that fever is a good thing, that it chases away the bad bacteria from the body. Jared ponders if this kind of fever has any good in it, only thing it causes being to make its victim as weak and suffering as possible. Jared's thoughts are interrupted as dr. Novak finally comes in, concerned looking Lisa in tow. Lisa never looks concerned, so that peaks Jared's worry another notch. -What is it? He asks without a preamble when the doctor comes in, crouching instantly to listen to Jen's chest with his stethoscope. The doctor doesn't say a thing. The examination he does seems similar to the one he has done the very first time after Jensen's symptoms were noticed until when he crouches down to Jen's side, gingerly peeling off the bandage in there and making Jensen tense and moan in pain. Jared doesn't see what's there under the bandage, but he sees the doctor's brow drawing into a concerned frown. -What? he snaps. Jensen's pain makes him lightheaded, but he struggles to keep calm, stay as a grounding presence he knows Jen needs. The doctor doesn't order another antibiotic though or anything else Jared waits for.-It's possible we have found the center of his infection, dr. Novak says strictly to Lisa, who nods solemnly. -I need portable sonogram here asap. We won't transfer Jensen, he's having enough stress as it is. Just if the abscess is infected and a surgery definitely needed. -What? Jared pipes up, and by both of the other peoples' abrupt turning towards him and perplexed looks he realizes that they have forgotten his presence already. -Surgery?Dr. Novak is the first to recover. -Jensen is showing the signs of having developed a wound infection in addition of his abscess, he says quickly. -Until now, we have taken care of his abscess with warm compresses and gentle pressure but we might need a next step, and we need to take it quick. We need some room to examine Jensen next. Jared nods, and when Lisa comes back pushing a device looking like an old-fashioned computer added with some extras like probes and some more wires, he gets up from his place and lets Lisa in. -I'll be back, babe, he says softly before he turns to go. -We'll make sure Jensen's comfortable during the examination, dr. Novak reassures, and Jared nods at him hollowly. —Four hours later, when Jared is let in Jen's room, he's sleeping without a sound. He doesn't have any blankets on his feveredly glowing body, only a light sheet that the nurses change every time some of them comes in, and Jared sees that the bandages covering his flank are spottless white. The tube, running light brown substance from Jen into a bag, goes in just under his armpit. The reason for sudden peak of fever was an infected incision wound, and Jen was taken to surgery. It went well, and after it he was switched into stronger set of antibiotics. There would be some side effects using those, but dr. Novak was certain of his decision, telling Jared that every bridge has to be faced when they are come to. So far, Jen is sleeping of his analgesics after the surgery. He hasn't been awake yet but it has been a good break from his feverish tossing and disorganized murmur. Jared sits right beside him, patting his temples with a cloth rinsed in cool water, hoping that it's bringing Jensen some relief. Jen's breather mask — called BiPap, Jared has learned by now — is doing its work in keeping Jen's airways open so that he doesn’t need to work so hard to draw a breath and have a feeling of asphyxiating nevertheless. Jensen hated the device when he was all awake, but now, too exhausted to struggle against it, he stands it quite easily.Everything seems to have calmed down. Only thing Jared hopes is that Jensen would come fully around.Suddenly, Jensen's breathing grows in strength and his chest quivers. He clearly struggles against the air flow the machine feeds him. It's just a couple of breaths, and his eyes flutter open. He looks for something with his eyes, calming down when he finds Jared’s eyes. His look is vehement, his eyes misty as he whispers only one silent word before the pull of his exhaustion takes him away again.-J-jay...-Here, Jen. Right here. Jared hurries to take a glass, wanting to help Jensen feel better if he wants to speak. He feels his hand squeezed weakly though, and he turns back at that instant. -Babe?Jensen's struggling, it's so obvious, visible in every breath he takes, every flutter of his eyelids. -Jen, it's alright. We can speak later. Please, take it easy now. Jared's voice is begging, but he sees his attempts are fruitless. Jensen doesn't hear him, he has decided not to hear him. He has a message, and he has to get it through. That's why Jared gives up, settling in holding Jen's hand, stroking it softly. -I'm listening, he promises. Jensen's first attempt are indecipherable - he's moving his lips, but under the fogging plastic Jared can't dream of seeing anything, and Jensen's breathing is so weak and erratic that Jared doesn't dare to take the mask off. -Whatever it is, I love you, he whispers after a while, when seeing the struggle is bordering on too painful for him. -I love you, Jen. Please, try to rest now. His words are in vain, and suddenly Jensen gets his eyesight straight, his breathing in control enough to press one word between his lips. Jared hears it, but he hopes with all of his heart that he heard wrong. There is no chance of that though, he knows it very well.-Jay...why?He's actually relieved when Jensen outdoes it, getting the monitors to blare up, calling dr. Novak and Lisa back to the room, forced to sedate him. It's better this way, Jared thinks, feeling hollow. It's better this way.—After the surgery, it takes three days for the antibiotics start to really work. On a day four, Jensen is freed from his catheter to use a bedpan which isn't what he hoped for but a step to the right direction anyway. On a day six, he's having his first actual lunch by mouth — it's purees and smoothies, and the amount Jensen gets down is tiny, but it's a lunch nevertheless. By day ten, he's sitting again, holding his trunk up himself instead of only laying against the matress and pillows, and this time he knows the technique well and is adamant to use it by himself. Kim, his PT, has gotten used to finding her patient from his room, awake and ready for exercises, so she feels instantly alarmed when she this time finds Jensen laying down under his sheet, his face turned away from the door.-Hello, Jensen, she greets on the door. -What's up?There's no reaction, and Kim feels increasingly concerned when she walks closer to the bed and goes around it, to see Jensen's face. The sight of severity in them, doubled with the tired emptiness in his eyes, surprises her but doesn’t blow her off completely. She knew this day would come, sooner or later. Jensen’s determination and his mental reserves took him further than many others, but there is a limit for everyone at some point.-Hey, she says, this time a tad softer, taking a chair from the corner and sitting down. -What's going on?Jensen grimaces slightly, more a reaction to her prodding than actual sign of pain, not taking his eyes off from some distant spot outside the window.-You might not believe it, but I'm a bit slow sometimes, Kim keeps on. -I need your help in here.Jensen sighs bitterly, his eyes still not moving. -You are wrong, he says. -You don't need me in anything. In fact, maybe it's better if you leave right now.Kim draws up at the hopelessness she hears in the words. -What?-I'm not going to get better, Jensen says. -No matter how hard I try, I lose it anyway. Hearing that, Kim decides to change her plan a bit. It doesn’t seem that her patient is ready for breathing exercises and light stretches but needs something all different.-What do you mean? She asks gingerly. -What do you feel you're losing?Kim has an idea, but she has learned that assumptions are a health care person's worst enemy. Jensen turns his head, huffing in irrigation, but Kim waits patiently. She's not a mind reader, or will never be, and that’s what she says to Jensen as well.-My... health, Jensen starts, looking for the answers somewhere in the roofline. -Got these burns. And I fought, Kim. The Hell how I fought. From the moment I remember waking up, the moment I took my first breath without a help. Getting up. Sitting. All the pain it took to get there.Jensen's voice almost breaks, and he turns his head towards the window, gnawing his lower lip vigorously. Kim hums, empathetically, guessing what her patient is heading to. -I fucking almost walked, Kim.Jensen closes his eyes, squeezing them tight. -And then... Just like that. It's all over. I'm back on a step one.Kim sits still, not wanting to belittle the disappointment she hears in the words. She checks discreetly the monitor when Jensen's breathing gets shallow and trembling, deciding to let it be when she sees the monitor not reacting to the change of the pattern. Whe the soft sobs start, she reaches discreetly for the table, taking some napkins and keeping them ready. That's how she stays, letting Jensen let out his frustration, handing him napkin after napkin. Finally, there’s a silence in the room, the sobs drowned under the beeps and silent whooshes from the machines.-I know this feels unfair, Jensen, Kim says softly. -I've rarely seen anyone fight like you have. Don’t take this on you, please. Injuries and illnesses don't go even. They occur when they occur, for anyone out there. And you are free to feel betrayed and disappointed by how things have gone, Jensen. It's your right.Jensen doesn’t seem to listen — his eyes are closed, he's struggling to find a same breathing pattern with the machine he's hooked on — but, as Kim reminds herself, she may never know. At least he's seeming not to. They have exercises on the schedule, but Kim feels now it's not the right time.Jensen has been one of the most motivated patients she has had in a while — taking a break once isn't going to ruin anything, especially when the right motivation is an essential part of physical therapy. Forcing Jensen to do the exercises in this mindset, the worst there could be, might in the worst case effect on his recovery for a long run.She sits for a moment more, just in case, and leaves with a careful shoulder stroke Jensen doesn’t react to.-You are right to mourn what you've lost, Jensen, she says softly. -Remember that you're not alone.In the silence that follows, her eyes wander to the corner of the room where there is the table Jensen's parents made the combination of flowers and keepsakes. It was moved from the BICU to BU2 with Jensen, and here, it can stay in his room because of the lighter safety protocols. The table's set up has stayed the same, only the bouquets of flowers change once in a week when Mrs. Ackles sends a new arrangement via some flower delivery service. On the wall behind the table there is a bunch of framed family photos, cards and childrens' drawings with texts like "To Our Dear Uncle Jay" and "Get better soon, Unca Jensen". BU2 has still still strict policies for family visits but the mailman finds his way even here.Kim lets the sad smile die on her face before she turns once again towards the man in the bed.-I'm seeing you tomorrow, Jensen, she says, not surprised when she doesn't get an answer.When she walks away, closing the door softly after her, she already reminisces dr. Balaban's work cell number.And, before she leaves the ward for her next appointment, she goes and knocks on the floor frame of the nurses' break room. Michelle and Nicki are there having coffee, and on the computer in the corner, there’s this new, young lad Kim never remembers the name of. Gavin? Connor? Colin?-Jensen's not in a very good place right now, she says, hopefully vaguely enough to keep the professional secrecy intact. -Maybe you could keep an eye on him tonight? I'm calling Liane for him, just in case.Nicki gulps her beverage down, looking at Kim with a nod. -We'll se to it, she assures. -Thanks for telling us.-Not at all. She leaves the ward briskly, ready to meet her next patient, but somehow the gloomy discussion lingers in the back of her mind far longer than she's used to.
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
-Ouuuuch! Fuck!-I apologise, Jensen. Dr. Novak takes his hands away from his patient and takes a half step backwards, letting Jensen curl freely around the pillow he hugs on his chest against the pain. They are in the middle of checking Jensen's drainage incision, and dr. Novak has just a moment ago ripped off the bandage protecting the wound, still secreting a light brown liquid. -The incision needs to be washed, dr. Novak says. -I'm sorry. He means what he says with all of his heart, aching to see Jensen curling a bit tighter and pressing his face on a pillow. -You are absolutely entitled to have opioids if the numbing gel and parasetamol isn't enough, he tries to comfort his patient. -I know some level of discomfort will stay despite them, but the actual pain should abate. He sits back, giving Jensen a moment to gather himself.-The incision is a bit puffy, but the redness has abated some, he says after a while. -Is there pain when I touch the sides of it?His next touch is deliberately lighter, but it still makes the man on a bed wince and hiss sharply.-So it is, he says, not milking the answer he can see well with his own eyes.Jensen grits his teeth, letting out a careful and slow flow of air as he relaxes minutely.-How the fuck it doesn’t get better?Dr. Novak’s eyes are empathetic as they turn from the incision towards his patient. -Infected wounds can sometimes be tricky, he says. -Let's keep on the flushes with disinfected water, and when the outtake calms down, we could try to let the wound heal without a bandage. Any exercises until the infection is cleared need to take place in bed, I'm afraid. Jensen grimaces when the doctor jostles the tube still going in. All the fucking side seems so sensitive, hurting like a bitch whenever it's poked or prodded, no matter how gently. He lets the doctor’s apology go unnoticed, closing his eyes and trying to breathe from the bottom of his lungs. Kim has stressed him out of the inportance to breathe as properly as possible underlining the possibility of new infection setting into his lungs. Even that seems like a feat.
Will this nightmare ever end?
He keeps in an irritated huff when dr. Novak arranges the nasal cannula on his face. Probably the guy just checked the monitors and saw there that his breathing is, once again, too labored. Jensen couldn’t care less. He has gotten so used to the pain, burn, tickling or pressure inside his trachea and lungs that he doesn’t remember to point it out to the personnel anymore.It feels surreal to think that there are people out there who are actually breathing day in and day out just like that, without any problems. It's even more so to think that some short months ago, Jensen was one of them. -There, says dr. Novak, apparently after he's gotten something ready. -Is this any better?Jensen hums his yes, having no idea what is it he should feel better about. Not caring much about that either.-Good. The doctor puts the chart back to its rack somwhere at the end of Jensen’s bed. -Try to sleep, alright? That’s the way to give your body the best possibilities to heal itself. Your antibiotics and fluids will be dripped out in two hours max. Michelle is in the evening shift, so she's going to come and change the bags and also check the incision. Jensen murmurs something indecipherable, not remembering he has no mask on to muffle his words anyway. The doctor draws up at that, turning and taking a concerned eye contact.Fuck. That wasn't what Jensen intended.-Are you feeling uncomfortable?Another round of monitor check, fingers on his pulse point, hand on his brow. Dr. Novak’s hand feels icy cold, and Jensen thinks absently if he's really that cold or if he's that hot himself.-'m okay, he murmurs, avoidably. -I could take that nap.Dr. Novak smiles, looking actually relieved in a way Jensen doesn’t quite get.-Here's the call bell, he says, laying the device beside Jensen’s hand on a bedding. -Don’t hesitate to use it. You're still recovering, and we don’t want to take any chances with you.-Thanks, Jensen says softly, mainly to finally get rid of the doctor. He wants to sleep, to succumb into a blessed darkness without any thoughts. His eyes are closed already when dr. Novak leaves the room and the door clicks after him. — -How are things today? Jared asks, barely gotten in and sitting down in dr. Novak’s tiny office. The doctor was in the ward when Jared came today right after the morning meeting he couldn't miss in his work but coming as soon as he could.-Jensen's still on antibiotics, dr. Novak tells him. He has agreed with Jensen that he can tell Jared about his treatments - that's how the things get told right at the start. -Just this morning, we changed the kind he has to a more effective one. We really hope the surgery to clean up the wound won't be needed. Right now, Jensen's wound is rinsed clean with saline solution, basically salt water, and packed to enable it the best possible chance to heal. -How is it so difficult to heal?-Jensen still has low resistance to bacteria, dr. Novak explains. -This bacteria he has is from his own body, so it can't be removed entirely like germs in the environment can. In situations like this, things simply take time.Jared sighs, knowing the truth in the doctor's words but hating it. The doctor smiles empathetically. -I can only imagine how frustrating this is for you both, he says. -But I assure you that we are doing the best we can to get Jensen back to the track with his recovery as soon as possible. Jared looks like he doesn't hear a word, his eyes already roaming towards his husband's direction. -Have you told Jensen this? he asks. -How did he take it?Dr. Novak hesitates for a moment. He can’t tell what happened during the private meeting but he sees that he needs to give Jared at least something. -I'm afraid he's not in a good place right now, he says simply. -I believe he's already waiting for you. — Everyone is poking him, tangibly or metaphorically, or so it seems. Dr. Balaban visits him right after the lunch he had absolutely no appetite to eat but he did manage couple of spoonfuls, just to save himself of yet another round of question, poking and prodding.He's so fucking sick and tired of it.This time, doctor Balaban talks at length about different roles, how Jensen might need to find a new role in his life yada yada yada.Her monologue stops to a question though. -For example, when I think of firefighters, Jensen, I tend to see a hero, she says. -Someone who has come to help, possibly even safe people. Someone who isn't afraid in going into dire situations.-So? Jensen's chest constricts at the thought of going to work, doing exactly what dr. Balaban just described. -What's your point? I'm currently as far from the hero as anyone can be.-Are you? Dr. Balaban tilts her head questioningly, letting the silence fall in that irritating habit of hers.Jensen says nothing, instead turning to look out of the window. The sky is blank white today. -Let me ask you something, Jensen, dr. Balaban says softly. -What if any of your work mates were in your position? Say, your boss, that Jeffrey I met briefly last week? If he did what you have and ended down here — what would you call him?Bullshit, Jensen thinks, squeezing his eyes tight, but dr. Balaban doesn’t let him off the hook that easily.-Would you call him what you call yourself now —-A loser, Jensen hisses. -There. Happy now?-Not exactly, dr. Balaban says, even and calm. -Think of your workmate now, Jensen. Think of Jeffrey. In your place — which one would he be for you? A loser or a hero? — Kim scurries through the main lobby towards the elevators, rummaging her bag with her other hand to find her job keys. In Rhodes household, this morning was the mother of all crisis. Both of Kim's teens had their lives on a brink of destruction, Claire with her hair and Alex with some missing history project, and both blamed the other about it all. According to Alex, Claire had messed with her room looking for some jeans she absolutely had to wear today, and Claire had her chicken to be plucked with Alex who had seemingly hidden Claire's hair curler or whatever those items are called.After that, the morning transport was impossible, feeling like all the city being out at the same time, and by the time Kim beeped herself in she was already ten minutes late. These are the days of our lives. She gets in and out of the elevator among the first, half runs to the other end of the hall and scrambles the door open. She stops and sighs deeply when the hospital's general hassle is left behind the closed door, gathers herself for a moment and walks to the coffee room, ready to be the first one to put the coffee on and have an untouched crossword from the morning paper all to herself. It is clear soon that she's not the first one. There is Linda sitting already on one of the tables with her mug of herbal tea she gazes at so intensively she barely notices Kim's morning greeting. -Morning, Linda, Kim says, stopping at her tracks to see Linda’s red nose and puffy eyes when she lifts her face. -Goodness, who's dead?Linda tries to chuckle weakly, wiping her eyes to a napkin Kim gives to her. -No-one, she admits. -Just... an unpleasant meeting with a patient.-Okay, let's hear it. Kim takes a chair opposite to her younger collegue and sits down, crosding her hands on a table. -It's good to learn from very early on that the colleguial support is the best kind there is. Linda shakes her head, sadly. -You're so kind, she says with a tiny voice. -It's alright, I simply was stupid.-Balls, Kim declares perkily, managing to actually dig up a little grin from Linda. -You are not stupid, young lady. Tell me what's this about andI can show it to you. Let's start with who are we talking about. It's nothing wrong about it. We have the same patients and we are alone in here.-Well... Linda starts, hesitating, and Kim nods at her with encouragement. -It's Jensen. -I see. Kim has so much to say right away, but she decides to keep her thoughts of the matter to herself for now. -Go on.-Well, Jensen... Linda glances out of the window, gathering her thoughts. -I mean, I know about his setback, pneumonia and incision and all that. When we met today, I thought I was ready. I tried to meet him with compassion and encouragement...Linda lets out a sniffy sigh, and Kim reaches over the table, taking her hand and squeezing it. -I'm certain you did your best, Linda, she says. -What happened then?-I tried to perk him up, Linda says miserably. -The way I've seen you doing. And he, he exploded. Like, he went all ballistic on me. Told I should put my cheering up into the...Kim gasps. -Now, Linda, that's not acceptable. I'll talk to him.-Oh no. Linda draws back quickly, pressing her hands tighter around her mug. -I understand him very well.Kim has made up her mind though. -We should feel safe in our job. That's essential, Linda. I'll talk to him. — Kim keep an extra eye on Jensen this time during their meeting, juts to see if anything is seriously worse than the last time they met. She can't see anything clear - if she hadn't seen Jensen for all these months, she wouldn't even notice anything off. As it is. nothing has changed, and at the same time, everything has. Jensen is cool and polite, doing what Kim instructs him to do. But it's not what Jensen Kim knows does things. The spark, the unrelenting drive Kim has loved about his patient has died away, and Kim surprises herself really missing to see that in her patient. Kim ends the appointment with massages that Jensen receives all silent, eyes closed, face passive. The scars Jensen has from his burns and surgeries are quite prominent and thick, and the massaging with softening oils help circulation and ease up the pain the tightened skin causes to Jensen's every movement. When the weeks have passed, the acute pain has lessened day by day, and finally the massages have come one of the rare treatments Jensen has that he genuinely enjoys. That's one good thing that hasn't disappeared altogether from the man's life, Kim thinks sadly. She knows this is a phase, something every patient has to live through, and still it feels hard to see it happening.When she stops, they haven't exchanged a word. Kim puts her stuff away, still in silence. When she is ready to leave and Jensen hasn't even try to make contact with her in addition to a short welcome when she first came in, she clears her throat slightly. -Jensen?-Hmmm?The man twitches his head towards her, making the first eye contact during the all appointment and breaking it almost instantly. His expression is baffled, eyes distant, like he was somewhere million miles away and was just violently yanked back from there.Kim sits down on the chair Jensen always has beside his bed for visitors, closing her hands around her knee. -Linda spoke to me this morning, Jensen.Jensen glances at her from his eye corner, his expression not changing. -And?-You know what happened, Jensen. You were there. Jensen's face close up, like that, like a clamp snapping closed when facing a danger. Kim thinks, twiddling the words around behind her tongue. She's a master in chiding her teenage girls, but here, she has an adult, a patient, a grown man she's speaking to. A man who has lost everything at that. -Jensen, I'm certainly not someone to tell you how to live, she says. -You have your own life, you make your own choices. Same do I.No reaction. Kim sighs. This is it. She speaks softly, aiming for a gentle approach, but her words behind her tone are steel. -And I'm an old lady and brought up three teen girls, two of which are still as my every day cross to bear, she says. -I can take your anger, Jensen. When we are here by the two of us, just let it all come out. Just leave Linda alone. — Jensen lays down on his bed, squinting to see the roof properly. It’s not like it makes the difference — the white, patternless surface wouldn’t change no matter how much he concentrated. His head is fuzzy with the meds the new nurse just gave him, making him feel hollow and listless. Lisa and the other nurses talked earlier about placing him onto a wheelchair after his morning treatments, but due to his fucking pneumonia that robbed a week — or two? — out of his life and all the fitness he had been able to achieve during months of physiotherapy, dr. Novak revoked the change. Somewhere under the layers of nonchalance, the tinges of irritation are rising. He can’t actually name it or tell what it is, it’s just this unsettling, nagging feeling under his skin that makes him want to — Jensen doesn’t know what, just something else than lying on his back and staring at the unchanging, white roof that has been his view for the last no-matter-how-many days. -Eight days, Lisa says helpfully when Jensen asks her about it. -I know it must feel frustrating, Jensen. It’s important, however, to have your recovery back on track. According to dr. Novak, you are lucky, Jensen. Your infection doubled with abscess like that could have had much more severe consequences. Lucky. Jensen might not be able to gauge the actual feelings whirling through his mind, but one thing is certain and it’s that he’s absolutely not feeling lucky. The nurses understand his frustration — to the point where Melissa actually promises to find out if the tv screen on Jensen’s room could be adjusted so that he would watch some programs from his current angle. Surprisingly, it’s Jared who’s not so understanding. -You could have died, Jen, he says with a thick voice. -You should feel thankful that you are alive. Those words sting. They are said in a heat of an argument, the first they are having after Jensen’s accident, so there’s that. But still, why is it that everyone’s repeating those things like lucky and thankful and all that? Jensen doesn’t fucking feel lucky or thankful. He feels like he wants to hit something, or run a mile up and down the hill. He misses his daily runs like crazy, the feeling of sweat gathering on his back and running down his spine, the feeling of lactic acids forming in his muscles, the feeling of the blessed tiredness after a good workout. Instead, his body lays down mostly useless. The pain he feels is not inside his muscles but on the surface of his skin and nerves every day when the dressings are changed or his wounds bathed. The only sweat gathering on his body is a bodily reaction fo the twinges, stings and burns attacking him regularly. The only tiredness he feels is drug-induced exhaustion. The reality of it makes him miss the times he even doesn’t remember, the times when he was drugged into senseless so he couldn’t feel a thing or get a one sensible thought together. — Jared sits at the cab, on his way to home from the hospital. He feels thankful for the driver who has proven to be an introvert, saying much of nothing to him after the hello’s and other obligatory pleasantries. Honestly, he’d like to curl up in the corner of the cab’s backseat and weep. Today, he went to meet Jensen in a hospital, but instead he met a complete stranger. It’s like Jensen’s whole being has changed completely. Instead of always positive, strong and full of hope — sometimes even to his own detriment — man, Jared met a grumpy, closed and passive ghost of the husband Jared remembers. He has read everything of mental effects a severe injury can have on a person. He thought he would be ready when this kind of thing happened. He couldn’t believe he had said those hard and merciless things on Jensen. He couldn’t believe they had had a fight in the first place. They were not the kind of couple who fight, Jensen was far too negotiative and Jared too gentle for that. Jared stares out of the cab’s window, too tired to struggle against the tears that make every effort to appear. When he walks up the stairs into his and Jensen’s home porch, he notices that the door is ajar and there is delicious food scent wafting from inside. Megan, who's come for a visit over the weekend — in her own words to check that Jared hasn't already slipped back to his self-nonchalant ways towards himself — is humming in the kitchen, surrounded by mountains of groceries and packages that are fully open. There is one huge mountain of vegetables scattered on the kitchen table, and there is a cutting board and a bowl, already half full of chopped vegetables. She swirls around as Jared steps in, a surprised expression on her face. -Jared! She greets, abandoning the knife and coming to hug his brother. -I thought you would stay longer tonight. How nice. We can also eat lunch together then. I visited the farmer's market. I just loved it — only me and a cart full of fresh food. Jared hums, returning the hug briefly and stepping back. Megan does the same, a question in her eyes. -What is it, Jay? she asks gently. Then her eyes grow wide. -God, please don’t tell me Jensen is faring worse.Jared shakes his head quickly, angry at himself for making his sister concerned now. This is a day he shouldn’t interact with people at all, he thinks gloomily. -Oh no, he’s alright, he says. -I mean, physically at least. That draws a wet sigh out of him, and Megan’s concerned frown turns into a decisiveness. She walks Jared to a living room couch and sits him down, goes back to kitchen and comes back with two glasses of soda water with lemons. -Now we take it easy, and you will tell me everything, she says, plopping into the couch beside his brother. — This morning, Jared didn't come. Every nurse in the BICU noticed it like a missing limb. Actually, it was the aide girl who made the remark as soon as she had mopped the floors between morning labs and breakfast. Jared wasn't waiting behind the door, she said, seemingly baffled. After that, it was a deficiency everyone visiting Jensen's room during the morning hours made a notice of. Jared's chair in Jensen's room was empty, and Jensen made every effort to not to even glance towards it, keeping his eyes strictly on a roof all through his morning routines. No-one dared to ask him about it though. And that's why it all grew and grew in size until every corner of the ward was so full of it that it couldn't go unnoticed even from Kim who came to work all flustered, her breakfast forgotten and pissed as hell - basically so full of her own life turns that she shouldn't notice anything else. -What has happened here? She asks though, the first thing when she steps into the break room. -It's like everyone's waiting for a doom fall down from heavens.Thats a question Kim might have regret asking when she's walking towards Jensen's room fifteen minutes later. -Jensen, one golden piece of advice. I understand you feel irritated and frustrated from time to time, she says to Jensen anothet ten minutes later, when they have got their routine started. -It's more than alright in your situation. Actually, you've done remarkably well. Just keep in mind that what you have with Jared is invaluable. It's irreplaceable. When you feel anger, would it be more fruitful to take a stand together against it, not to attack your closest person with it?At the same time, Jared is waited for. In dr. Novak's office, the doctor himself sits behind hid desk, eyeing his patient's manila folder in front of him. His most important message isn't written on the printed papers though.-I know you have gone through a mill by Jensen's side. It's alright if you feel like tuckering out. But the right way isn't attacking Jensen. You both suffer. You both are afraid. This thing is huge to go through on your own. There is help available. Just, don’t pour your complicated feelings over the man you love the most. You are together in this, Jared, not against each other. — -Is it is it very common for hospital staff to solve their patients' love affairs? Jared asks when the doctor has finished. Dr. Novak chuckles softly. -Not routinely, he says. -Only when something like that hits us in the face. Your absence was something that couln't be unseen, especially by those who took care of Jensen yesterday morning.-Okay. So, what now? Will you put us both to a shrink? A consultation for couples?-That's a possibility, yes. Dr. Novak links his fingers on the top of his desk. -I'd suggest something else for starters though. -Yeah? And what is that?-I can see you've ran yourself to the ground, Jared, dr. Novak says plainly. -Is there anyone who can come and stay with Jensen while you go out and do something absolutely different for a while?Jared blinks for a moment, looking absolutely baffled. -What are you saying? he asks, incredulously. -I've just had a fight of a decade with my husband and you suggest I leave him?-Just for the afternoon, dr. Novak says. -If I'm not all wrong, you both could use some change of scenery. A widening of a landscape, sort of. You might see many things differently after that. Jared gnaws his lip, thinking. -Not so crazy idea after all, he admits after a while. Dr. Novak smiles demurely. -I'm sure you might have someone in your mind? — A burly and bearded but soft-eyed man leans back on the chair he has sat on some minutes ago, fiddling the car keys in his hands. -So, how is this going to go? he asks, sounding nervous. -You are coming here to see a friend, Mr. Morgan, Nicki says soothingly, bringing the man a cup of coffee from the waiting room vending machine and sitting with it to the chair next to him. -You don't need to think any more complicated than that. Jeffrey nods slowly, taking the coffee Nicki offers him with a thanks. -Okay. So... What should I expect then? I assume he has changed quite a lot. I mean, we have talked in a phone but... I haven't seen him in ages. -He's very thin for a man for his size, Nicki says. -His muscles have suffered of the immobility, and he's had great challenges in eating.Jeff swallows. -And?Nicki stops to think. -Most of his injuries are under bandages, but he has incision scars on the sides of his neck, she says. -He needed that to survive the swelling of his throat right after the accident. Jeffrey nods again, running his hand over his head and scratching his neck. -Well...-Try to think that he's the guy you've known for...?-Ten years. Jeffrey's voice is suddenly raspy, and Nicki smiles at him with extra softness. -That is a long time, Mr. Morgan, she says. -You'll be alright. And Jensen will be thrilled to see you. I'm sure of it.
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
Jeffrey takes the last, bitter sip of his cold vending machine coffee and lowers the paper cup onto his thigh. He looks at the door the nurse, Nicki, has left from, telling him he could take his time here before coming in to see his friend. Jeffrey didn't correct her.They are friends, he thinks, all the guys in the fire department. On the day after the fire, all his men taking part in debriefing after staying awake in the hospital waiting room to hear anything, even the slightest news, of how their working buddies were doing. It was like a bunch of friends together, not just some random guys from work. That debriefing meeting was silent, all of them still deep in shock. It wasn't that none of them had ever got injured in their line of work — that was something any of them needed to be prepared at any time — but more of that this one should have been a relatively easy go. Of course, in the warehouse there were many possible extra things to consider like a possibility of flammable liquids, metals or any unidentified garbage a factory warehouse could have swallowed, but according to the first info, the buildings were to be empty and no people inside. No-one of them though a gig like that would ever take any of them down. Jeffrey had never stayed up so many nights after a single gig, thinking over and over again what did he do wrong. Investigating authorities were naturally on the site quicker than any of them could say 'fire' but it was a different case entirely how long the investigations would take as a whole. The door of the elevator beeps at the other side where the waiting room opens up to a lobby, letting out a crowd of people scattering to every which way, and the voices and movement jolts Jeffrey back with a wince. He sighs, glances at the now empty coffee cup, runs his hand over his face and stands on his feet. It's half past eleven. Nicki told him earlier that Jensen would be ready with his morning treatments — Jeffrey didn't dare to think what those meant in a place like this — by the noon. He had only paperwork this morning, and he went through the pile with extra effectiveness to be here right on time. He chuckles at himself, remembering how Emily always chastises him for being far too soon in places. It's unpolite to show into a barbeque almost an hour early, she says. What if the hosts are still cleaning up? They will feel embarrassed if we go in and they have all the carpets hanging on the porch.Going to a barbeque, it's relatively easy for Jeffrey to park nearby and wait there for the time to be something his wife would also approve. Coming to a hospital though, sitting out in a car and staring at the huge building felt somehow too overwhelming. Here, in the waiting room, things are more... human sized. Jeffrey turns to look at the glass door dividing Burn Intensive Care Unit and Burn Step-Down Unit, as it's written in the outer door, from the waiting room. The glass of the sliding doors is milky and opaque, and there is a button on the door frame with a laminated sign with a downward arrow saying "press here, please." Supposedly it's important to know who will enter that kind of a ward, but still makes it all feel a bit difficult to approach. Jeffrey ponders if it works the other way too.When Jared called him yesterday, he told him that Jensen is free to go to a cantine for example but in practise it may be better if they stayed in Jensen's room, just for the sake of his state. Jeffrey didn't ask Jared any details, although he felt like he should. It seemed too prying. He would see it soon, he thought. -Good morning, Mr. Morgan, a chirpy voice says, and Jeffrey lifts his head, seeing the nurse, Nicki, coming towards him from the door that's already close behind her. -You are a bit early. It's not bad at all though, Jensen is awake and waiting for you. Jeffrey nods at the nurse, stands up and reaches his hand for a shake, suddenly thankful that he can only follow her lead without thinking too much for a little while. — First thing Jared does in his brand new day of free time is to wake up at 5.30 a.m. He jerks to jump up from the bed, suddenly remembering and relaxing back onto the mattress. No hospital today. No Jensen, no bedside vigil. The last thing yesterday, Jared called Jeffrey to tell him some things he forgot when they first talked about Jensen and his boss meeting. Like Jensen feels apprehensive of his looks so that could be a topic to be avoided, or the fact that Jensen's toilet mirror is still covered by a hand towel. Or that Jensen might be tired, barely out of the woods with his recent pneumonia. Jeffrey simply listened to his requests and hummed compliantly, promising to do his best. That was when Jared realized what he was doing and apologised right away. He knows he's a mother hen of the worst kind, but he simply can't help himself. That's how he is, how he's always been, and even more so after Jensen got injured and all the things have happened after it. All the fear of losing the love of his life, all the times he's waited for the other shoe to drop, all the times when everything started to go well and, just like that, turned the direction back for the worse. Jared forces himself to lay on his bed as long as he can. He manages ten minutes, and then he's on his feet, getting ready for a shower. Slow, he keeps reminding himself every time his speed is getting quicker. Today, he doesn't need to blindly grab the first clothes from the chair and scurry through a shower with minimal time. It feels so weird. It feels empty. Like he has no purpose in life. How totally can a person's whole mindset turn around in less than three months? He never wasn't completely self-indulgent person but these months have made him forget himself almost completely. Everything he has done has been for Jensen, to support him, to stay with him as much as possible. Jared stops at the wardrobe, consciously making a choice of clothes for today. Trousers are easy — he owns basically jeans and running pants, and...Running. Now he could have time to take a run. Jared ponders for a second if Megan has some plan for them for the day before he wraps himself into his bathrobe and pads softly downstairs. Megan is there, curled in an armchair in her silky morning robe, her bare feet under her, and reads some magazine with a huge mug of delicious scenting herbal tea beside her on a table. Jared smiles at the relaxed sight, and Megan smiles back, putting the magazine away and stretching languidly. -Morning, Frog, she says softly. -Blessed silence. I can't remember when I have sat this long and simply enjoyed of the feeling. -Yeah, Jared says, feeling a tinge of jealousy he covers quickly. Megan has the right to feel how she feels, all those nights awake with a colicky baby and still she came to save her brother. -I just thought if you have any plans for today? I saw my jogging gear and noticed I haven't had a run for months. -Go, absolutely, Megan says without a moment of hesitating. Then she smiles wickedly. -Of course I have plans for us, but only to make sure we won't stay at home just too lazy to do anything. And, of course, if that's what you'd love to do, it's totally fine. I mean, I... er. -I get what you mean, Weasel, Jared says gently. -I appreciate the thought, and we can do what you have in mind also. Megan nods, thinking for a moment. -How about you go for a run and I make some breakfast for us? She proposes. -I have something small planned. -You are a saint. Megan's smile grows wider, and she waves her hand dismissively. -Just go. I'll be ready when you're back. — There is a clear attempt in the ward to make it a bit cozier than an average hospital department — there are copies of art pieces hanging on the walls, some of the walls painted in mellow accent colors, but the fact can't be escaped that they are still in a hospital, a place were there are seriously ill people. The voices are shushed, nurses' shoes silent, and the people walking along the hall are dressed in pale gowns and robes, shuffling slowly and taking support from different kinds of aids or arms and hands of the people in their company. Most of the skin he sees is bandaged, but some of it is exposed, and seeing it makes him vehemently try to forget what he's just seen.He struggles to not to stare.Jensen’s room is amongst the first ones counted from the door, and Nicki stops soon by a window that has drapes half-closed. Jeffrey glances in and quickly back at the nurse, feeling helpless.This is my work, for godssakes, he thinks. Why am I suddenly being such a wuss?Nicki smiles at him, kindly and completely unfazed. -This is Jensen’s room, she says. -You may look in. I thought it might be easier for you this way.Jeffrey nods, suddenly realizing and feeling thankful. When he turns his head and looks in, he doesn’t right away understand what he sees. — The run is heavenly. Jared does intervals — whatever it is that's stressing him, hard training has always taken his mind away from it. He takes the route going around a small pond near their home, although this time his concentration goes hundred percent to finding a right pattern of breathing and a best possible rhythm to find the right cadence. At first, there is like weighs keeping his feet close to the ground and every person coming towards him seems to look at him weirdly, but soon he falls into the familiar flow, forgetting the landscape and people around him, feeling a simple thrill of being alive and running on his own two feet. Afterwards, he sits on a bench by the pond, sipping his energy drink and watching the ducks clucking away and fighting over pieces of bread. You don't know how lucky you are, Jared notices himself thinking. — -He's sleeping, Jeffrey states, finally found a man he knows in between the pile of sheets and blankets and bandages and wires. -Should I go and let him rest?-We encourage him to do so any time he feels he can, Nicki explains. -Nights are often difficult for him. Naps during a daytime aren't as effective, but not sleeping at all isn't an alternative recovery-wise. Jeffrey nods, not knowing what to say. Nicki luckily does.-Would you like me to take you through his equipment and stuff before we go in?Jeffrey nods. -Please.Nicki starts with the confidence that shows her doing this often, telling briefly where any of the wires and tubes go and why.-Jensen is doing better day by day, Nicki says. -He's obviously going through very hard things but he needs less and less equipment to help him go through the day.-That sounds like him, Jeffrey says, surprised by the raspy sound in his voice. -It surprisingly hard to see him like this.-This is a tough place to visit, Nicki says. -There are reasons why small children are not let in here.Nicki takes a package from the cabinet, giving it to Jeffrey. -One thing more, she says. -Mask and gloves. Jensen is sensitive to catch any bacteria and he's also recuperating from pneumonia. We want him to stay healthy.-Absolutely.Nicki smiles. -Ready to go in? You can stay as long as you want. Here, we don't have any time restrictions for the visits. — -I'm thinking to act as a driver today, Megan says when they indulge in their breakfast — she has outdone herself, conjuring up a small feast on the table with fruit salad, toasts with tomato and mozzarella, bacon and mushrooms and pancakes with maple syrup. They drink green smoothie and espresso, and Megan shows Jared some of newest phots he hasn't seen yet of his nephew. He is actually able to forget the harsh reality he lives in for a while, and that's what he says to Megan as well. -Good, Megan says simply. -That's exactly what I have in mind. Besides, I enjoy this as much as you: I've planned things I have really missed after having Brandon. Driving a car without no-one fussing beside me is one of my wet dreams of late. Jared laughs, knowing that's the way Megan means it. -I'm even happier if it's so, he says, wipes his hands in a napkin and leans backwards, patting his stomach. -I'm full, girl. This was awesome. Thanks. -Of course it was, Megan declares. -Now, take the clothes you feel comfortable in. Nothing too fancy. And take good walking shoes. Jared nods, ready to comply, when a massive yawn out of nowhere almost rips his mouth from the middle. -Sorry, he says, a bit embarrassed. -You are anything but dull company. Megan smiles. -No worries, she says. -Change of plans. First we take a nap. Then we take our leave. Sleep as long as you need. — Jeffrey waits until the nurse has left him before he has the peace of mind to enter the room. He wanted to take a look on his workmate in peace first — that was very well thought of by Nicki, he thinks — so that he could stay calm when in the room with Jensen. He wouldn't want to show any negative reactions to a man who fears so much of how his changed appearance that hasn't even uncovered a mirror in his room. Jeffrey isn't going to be the one to give Jensen a negative signal of how he looks. If Jeffrey is all honest with himself, he was a bit surprised when Jared took the topic into discussion in a phone call yesterday evening. Jeffrey hasn't ever seen Jensen as a shallow person, and Jensen has never shown any special interest in his looks when at work. But things change, Jeffrey supposes, even with smaller changes i life than a serious injury like Jensen has gone through. Jeffrey knocks softly on the door frame and opens the door gingerly into a slit. Jensen opens his eyes almost instantly, turning his head towards the door with a tired smile. The tiredness of that kind is again something Jeffrey doesn't recognize in Jensen, but the smile is familiar and it welcomes him into the room. -Hi, Jensen croaks softly. His voice is nearly unidentified — it's like coming from somewhere very deep, and the tone of it is so raw that Jeffrey would like to ask Jensen to not to speak, to not to strain himself any more than it's necessary. Jensen doesn't seem baffled by it though, so Jeffrey decides it's expected. -Come in. -Hi. Jeffrey returns the smile, only a bit uncertainly, and turns to look for a place to sit. -Come here, Jensen says, the raspy sound still audible. Maybe it's how Jensen's voice simply is now. -I won't bite. Jeffrey barks a little laugh, following the invitation. -Sorry, he says. -I'm not very good with hospitals. Again, the tiny, tired smile. -Me neither, Jensen says. -Glad you came anyway. -I'm sorry I woke you up, Jeffrey says after a moment of silence. -I can come later if you feel tired. Jensen shifts difficultly, and Jeffrey tries not to stare at the bandages in his hands. -Nah, I'm sleeping all the time, he says. -It doesn't go away no matter how much I sleep. It's the same to stay awake. Jeffrey nods, uncertain of what to say. Jensen doesn't say a thing either, seeming unbaffled of the silence. Maybe that's another thing that changes when you're critically ill, Jeffrey thinks. You just don't mind bothering about all those small and mundane things life is full of. -Jared told me you had it bad last week when you didn't answer your phone, Jeffrey says. -Are you doing better now?Jensen chuckles bitterly. -Yeah, the darn pneumonia, he says, shifting again and glancing down at his side. -I have a tube going out of me. That pretty much sucks. But otherwise, I'm better. Jeffrey nods, relieved. Maybe it's also different how 'better' is after a rollercoaster like a heavy fire, he thinks, looking at the man in front of him. Jensen lays in a half-seated position, several pillows behind his back. Just like Nicki told earlier, most of his skin is covered with bandages, and his both arms are wrapped in a tight looking, thick fabric. Jeffrey can't see a sliver of skin down from Jensen's face — even the incision on his neck Nicki warned him about are covered, for his great relief. Jensen follows his eyes seriously, finally breaking the silence with another bitter chuckle. -I'm not exactly Prince Charming, he says, the harshness on his tone taking Jeffrey by surprise. -Hopefully I'm recognizable though. Jeffrey doesn't answer right away. He has a hunch that his answer to unasked question holds a great signifigance.-You are, he says, simply. -No-one of us is sorry of how you look. We live through the fact that you're here with us.Jensen swallows, closing his eyes in an emotion Jeffrey doesn't recognize. -You tell me if you want me to leave and have a rest, won’t you? Jeffrey asks after a while, gingerly. -I don't need rest, boss. I keep resting so much it makes me crazy.Jeffrey doesn't know how to reply, so he stays silent. His eyes drifts back to Jensen's hands, laying on his lap. Now, when he looks at them more closely, he sees there are no bandages, but sort of gloves covering them. They look clean and neat, but Jeffrey can't help thinking what is hidden under them. He has seen his share of burn injuries on sites of accidents, but never in the later phase, when the treatments have taken place. His thoughts get interrupted when Jensen decides to kill the silence for his part. -How are things back in the FD?Jeffrey smiles. That's a theme he feels more like home. -Everything's as it was, he says. -I mean, as much as it can be with two of us missing. We talk about you a lot, Jensen. The guys are a bit of lost without your guidance. You were — are like an older brother to the younger guys. They haven't got that same feeling with Harrington. Jensen nods. -Harrington took over after me?-Yes, he was the guy Fire Marshall suggested, Jeffrey says. -And he's your junior. But — this is a very difficult time to take over. No-one would ever have wanted this. He has been acting alright. Jensen nods again, a closed expression on his face. -And of course, everyone misses you, Jeffrey says, deciding to change a subject to a happier one. -They all say hello. Actually...He opens his jacket, getting a colorful card out from his inside pocket. -They wanted to do a bit of crafting one silent evening.He takes the card, showing first the coverm then the insides to Jensen, whose eyes light up in a smile first time during their meeting. -Is that a rhino? He asks, squinting his eyes to see the drawn and glued forms in the sky blue card. Jeffrey laughs, turning the card towards himself. -I think it might be an angel, he says, chuckling. -On the other thought, it could be a rhino as well. I must admit, I didn't mix up with their project. It's from the guys to you. Jensen smiles again, looking at the card for a moment more and leaning back, sighing softly. -I miss being at work, he confesses softly. -There, I knew who I was and what to do. Here...This time the silence isn't oppressive but awaiting, thoughtful. Jeffrey sits and waits, watching the younger man's expression turn inwards. -I don't recognize myself as I am now, boss, Jensen says softly. -I'm not the man I used to be. Don’t know if I ever will.Jeffrey doesn't rush to reply. The words hanging in the air between them seem to need some air, some space to honor their depth. -I'm not sure if it's even possible, after something this huge, Jeffrey says finally. -But when I sit here and look at you, I still recognize the guy I learned to know all those years ago. —-Here we are, Megan says, stopping the car. -Time to wake up, sleepyhead. Jared winces awake, watching blurrily around. -What? -You fell asleep, and I let you, Megan says lightly, like it was nothing unusual at all in her older brother succumbing to a sleep in less than half an hour ride. -We are there. They are parked in a deserted lot, a road somewhere behind them and a vast sea opening in front of their eyes. There is nothing man-made on the beach, only grass and sand that the wind has blown into dyne-like formations. -I thought you could use some peace in the nature, Megan says, taking the key from the ignition and stopping to look at the sight herself. -But that's not all, she says. -Do you remember?Jared blinks at the sight. Something in it makes him strangely emotional. Not the usual, I'm-so-tired-I-can't-think-of-anything-to-do-but-to-cry type of emotional, but something sweeter, more remote. -Three point clue, Megan says, opening her door. -Come. They walk to the shore, sand escaping under their feet and making the walking slow and hard. It doesn't matter though — the wind from the sea blows straight to their eyes so they couldn't proceed quicker anyway. They walk some minutes, Jared isn't counting, deciding to enjoy the scents and sensations that seem overwhelming in their power. The scent of the sea feels like it could drown him, the wind like it could lift him in the air if he only had a parachute. Or umbrella, he suddenly finds himself thinking. -Here, Megan yells over the roar of the wind. -How about now?Jared stops beside his sister, turning to look at the direction she's waving at, and the vague familiarity inside him turns into a full memory. -Eeyore Beach, he sighs, and Megan nods beside him, laughing in excitement. -Like it? She asks, and Jared nods, void of words but one. -I love it. They sit down under a tree that's similar than their favorite place from childhood in rural Texas — low, lumpy and perfect for climbing let alone hide-and-seek. A tree that never ceased to feed their imagination, to the very point where they called it their secret place and told no-one about it, not even to their parents.Megan has packed their breakfast leftovers as well as some sweets and snacks into a picnic basket, and they dine under the tree, reminiscing their plays and pranks and laugh themselves weak. -Eeyore Tree, Jared sighs eventually, when they are more than full and the leftovers of leftovers are packed back to the basket. -Sometimes I hope things were as simple as then. Just for a moment, a blink of an eye. Megan looks at him seriously, playing with a straw of hay between her fingers. Jared lowers his eyes onto his lap, thinking for a second. -It has been a perfect day, he says. -I wouldn't want to ruin it now with my gloomy thoughts. -You're not ruining anything, Megan says softly, getting rid of the hay, turning her legs under her and leaning closer, her elbows on her knees. -This is a perfect place for some heart to heart. Jared smiles, chuckles. -You are the best sister in the world, Megan. They talk until the sun starts to set and wind turns cold.
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
-If you want to take a nap, just tell me and I can leave for now, Jeffrey says.Jensen blinks his eyes open, seemingly not even noticing that they have closed during a moment of silence. He's recovering from pneumonia, Jeffrey remembers Jared telling him. The illness on top of Jensen’s injuries hasn't let him easily, he thinks. During their almost weekly phone calls Jensen has sounded upbeat, confident, even perky.When Jensen got sick, Jared told Jeffrey like he probably told everyone he thought close enough to them to know, and after that it was a complete radio silence for almost two weeks. Naturally, Jeffrey understood why, but he can see clearly now that something huge has happened during those weeks.He's not curious though. Jensen will tell himself if he wants to. That's how the guys do in work — they come if they have something in their heart, knock at the door a bit shyly and ask if Jeffrey has a minute.He always has. He has made it his motto. It's not so much sentimentality than it's practicality — a well-being firefighter is an efficient one, and the mutual trust between the crew members can save lives in action.-I'm okay, Jensen rasps, clearing his throat with a painful sounding cough. -Could you — ?He waves towards a glass of water with a straw on his table so it's not too hard for Jeffrey to decipher what he means. When he's had enough, he pulls back and smiles at his boss. -I appreciate that you want to stay my friend, he says softly. The sentiment takes Jeffrey off guard, and he forces himself move naturally as he uses a little more time in settling the water glass into the table than he would necessarily need. -Why wouldn't I? he asks, deciding that asking questions is the best way to tread forward. -It's quite obvious I'm not gonna come back to FD. Jensen chuckles, but the sound has a bitter undertone. Again, it's something Jeffrey has never seen before in Jensen. Something he doesn't connect to Jensen's person at all. -As your boss, I see your talents as something I'd be sad to lose, he says tentatively.Something flashes in Jensen’s eyes. -Are you... What do you mean?-I mean what I said, kiddo, Jeffrey says, finding his encouraging tone. -Let the time pass, your recovery go on. But I have time to wait, if you only want to come back. Some day, some role.Jensen grows silent at that, and his demeanor softens a bit. The silence settles again between them, but Jeffrey isn't afraid of it anymore. As it is, Jensen seems to need much of silence. Maybe it's his thoughts forming slower than they used to. It could also mean that he simply needs rest. Jeffrey can't be sure, but it's not like he has come here to rush or run through some kind of obstacle course where the reward is a title of the caring neighbour of a year.If Jensen needs time, that's what he'll get. -I still know almost nothing of what happened to Steve, Jensen says softly. He breaks the silence without a warning, looking piercingly at the opposite wall. Jeffrey clears his throat. The topic is much discussed back at work so he doesn't feel exactly unprepared. -Do you want to know?-He deserves it, Jensen murmurs, his eyes now lowered on his lap. -I don’t want to forget him.-And I'm sure you won't.There is a silence during which Jeffrey puts his words into some kind of order. -I will never forget him either, he starts gingerly. The truth is a good way to start with. -He was one of the best I've known during my career, and I'm not saying this simply because what happened. He was my left hand in so many places.Jensen nods, hums silently. Jeffrey lets out a tiny smile. What he just said is largely the opinion of the whole crew. His next words are not so carefully planned. They just come out... from somewhere. -I shouldn't have let you enter that part of the warehouse, he says, softer. -I made my decision based on insufficient information.Jensen lifts his gaze, looking straight at Jeffrey now. -The warehouse was unstable, Jeffrey keeps on. -It was God's grace that you were in the corridor that had supporting constructions. There shouldn't have been any explosives either.-You aren't an oracle, Jensen says softly. -I'm sure you made the best decisions you could.-I called you back right when I could, Jeffrey says. -But then, the explosion happened... and Steve chose to turn back, to cover you. It was about seconds when we got you out.They both look out of the window now. It's way too heavy to share an eye contact, talking something like this. -You and Steve were airlifted at the same time, Jeffrey says. -I flew with Steve. He was more critical. They didn't expect him to live until the hospital, and I didn't want him to die amonst strangers if that's how it was meant to be.Jensen closes his eyes, images attacking his mind. Steve's heavy weight pressing Jensen's body down, making him almost unable to breathe. Steve's empty eyes right above his. Steve's blood...-But he lived, he rasps, pushing the memory away. -Three hours?Jeffrey shrugs.- Something like that.-He was one hell of a man.It sounds like a perfect understatement, empty words, but there's not much else Jensen can think of saying. He glances at the older man gingerly, sitting crouched and eyes downcast, like there was suddenly the weight of all universe on his shoulders. -I appreciate you telling me this, Jensen says, hoping to evoke even the slightest smile that usually emerges so easily on Jeffrey's weathered face.It does, but Jeffrey's eyes stays soft and sad. -Steve wanted you to live, Jensen, he says towards his intertwined hands. -He saw your life, what you have, invaluable.Jensen says nothing, turning back towards the window. He feels the weight of the sentiment though, the strong message it's carrying. Don't throw that gift away. — This time, Jared doesn't take the cab back to hospital. On the other hand, Megan doesn't want him to drive, so they have a quite of negotiation over the matter before they settle into a solution of Megan driving Jared to the hospital and keeping on towards some mall she'll go shopping some souvenirs for her people at home. Jared feels like they are on a vacation, light and happy, until the very first buildings of the hospital area come into view. -I wonder how it will go to meet him again, Jared says softly when they crawl along one of the roads leading to the building F. -How do you hope it would go? Megan asks, turning the wheel towards parking lot. Jared shrugs. -I don't know, he admits. -Of course I hope he has come to same conclusion than me... -Than you love each other, but something has to change, Megan adds, and Jared nods. -I'm only concerned that he will find it too demanding, Jared says. -Like, he has come back from death's door and struggled so much and then I come and insist him to give me something he can't. -It's all about how you put it, Jared, Megan says, stopping the engine. -I'm 100 % sure you can tell it to him without asking him too much or show up demanding. Jared sighs, letting his eyes roam up to the higher floors of the tall building. -I surely hope so, he mutters. — When Jared raps the door and peeks in, he sees Jen resting on his bed, a smile on his face. He has a phone in his lap in a speaker mode, and an enthusiastic young girl's voice is babbling away from there. Jensen stirs at the door opening, his smile widening and sending a warm wave all through Jared’s body. It's almost like the smile Jensen had in his face before this all happened.-Hey Jenna, Jensen is saying to the phone. -Jared is here. But let me hear about you. I'm sure you'll nail it big time, sweetheart.-Thank you, unca Jensen, chirpy voice says from the speaker. -Say hi to Jared too.-He's here, Jensen says, turning to flash a smile to Jared who comes closer and crouches to see the screen of Jensen’s smart phone.-Hi, Jenna, Jared says. -I'm happy for you, whatever it is.The girl with a dirty blond hair, similar as his uncle has, laughs excitedly and waves them goodbye through the camera, ending the call. Jensen closes his eyes, sighing and leaning back. Jared takes the phone gingerly, putting it back to the bedside table.-Jenna has some school musical she got a role in, Jensen explains, eyes still closed. -She will be dancing and singing. She's over the moon.-Your niece is so talented, Jared says warmly. -It's unbelievable that she's already ten.Jensen shifts and chuckles. -What is even more unbelievable to me is that Mac and Stephen are apparently in for another baby.-They are? -I mean, more nieces and nephews for me to ruin with pampering, Jensen says. -But yeah, that was exactly my reaction too.-How about Jenna and Jason?-Jason has Bridget, so he hasn't probably internalised the news yet, Jensen grins. -Jenna seemed neutral. We'll see.-They are smart, Jared says. -I'm certain they will love the idea in the end.-Let's hope so. Jensen takes another shift in his bed. -So, how was yesterday with Megan?-It was good, Jared says, a smile coming to his face. -She let me go jogging and take a nap and then we visited that beach ten miles South. Do you remember Eeyore tree?Jensen returns the smile. -Yeah, that place with a hut you had with Megan and Jeremy.-Exactly! Megan found its doppelganger from the beach and we had a picnic under it.Jared smiles at the memory.-Sounds like a perfect getaway.Jared grows serious, remembering that Jensen doesn’t have any kind of chance for an escape like that. -How was it with Jeffrey? He asks gingerly.Jensen shrugs, glancing at his hands and then back at Jared. -It was nice. Jeffrey brought a get well card from the guys.Jared laughs at the card on the memory board on the wall. -With a rhino?Jensen smiles lopsidedly. -An angel.-It's very cute.Jensen hums, shifting slightly, and Jared draws up right then, ready to react should there be any hint of Jensen needing his help. He realizes what he has done only when he's done it. A spinal reflex.-We talked about some things too, Jensen says, tentatively. -About future. And, Jared... I want you to be there with me. Jared freezes, his breath catching. Jensen speaks at first at the wall, but then he turns his eyes towards Jared’s. Deep, bottomless, breathtakingly sincere eyes. Jared swallows, his hands turning cold.-Have...have you considered otherwise?Jensen avoids Jared’s eyes. His voice is almost inaudible when he starts to speak, slowly, like every single word weighed too much for him to get out. -Yeah, in some of my darkest moments, I have. I've thought that you don’t need a weak whiner like me. That you'd be much happier without me.Jared takes a gulp of air, drawing up on his seat. He had some things on his mind, yes, but nothing like this. Nothing like breaking up. -Jen, I —-Please, let me finish. Jensen's eyes are certain now. -I owe an apology to you, Jared. You've been nothing but supportive to me. And how I've rewarded you, it's... It's been pathetic.Jared blinks, mulling over the words he says. There's no "I'm sorry but we're done" he already waited for, so he doesn't know right away how to react.-You've not been pathetic, Jen, he finally says softly. -You've been in pain. -I'm sorry, Jay, Jensen repeats. -I've been an asshole, the kind I never wanted to be.-Not an asshole, babe. You've been through so much...-So have you, Jay. And still, you haven't bitched at me like immature brat or gone ballistic at me. There's nothing Jared knows what to say to that, and as a result, they blink at each other, a heavy silence landing between them. It's Jared who kills the silence first. -So, what do we do? he asks. -Is this a goodbye?Jensen's expression is totally surprised, the way Jared dares to hope Jensen didn't mean what he said earlier. He still doesn't dare to hope. Not yet. Jensen gnaws his lip, thinking for a minute. -No, Jay, he says softly. -This is not a goodbye. If someone should have reasons to leave, it's you, not me.-I've never thought anything like that, Jared says raspily, and Jensen smiles at him. The smile is gently, broken. -The you are much bigger a person I ever could be, he says softly. -Not that I didn't know that already. There's another silence, and then Jared shifts closer, reaching gingerly for Jensen's hand. -Can, he breathes, -Can I...?Jensen's smile is questioning. -Can you what? he asks. -Touch me? I'm your husband. I'm all yours, man. Jared chuckles wetly, and Jensen reaches to take a remote from his table and whirs his bed upwards as Jared sneaks closer until he's touching Jensen's bed with his thigh. -Come here, Jensen says, opening his arm, and Jared's eyes grow in surprise. -Aren't you gonna hurt? He asks with a tiny voice. -It'll be worth it. Come on. Jared does as he's coaxed, trying to be as careful and light as a guy roughly 190 pounds can be. He holds his breath and stops when Jen grunts, but relaxes as he feels Jen's palm landing on his hair, as gently as on the old days. -Come on, Jensen whispers, only slightly strained. - I want you here. Let it hurt a bit. It's a good stretch exercise. Jared can't help a little chuckle as he lands his head over Jen's heart. It takes a moment for him to hear it beat, but when he hears it, it brings tears into his eyes. He has missed this so much, and that's what he tells Jensen as well. -You have? Jensen asks, his lips moving against Jared's hair in a way that makes Jared want to weep some more. -Yes, he says instead. -Being close to you. Talking with you until the morning light. Laughing at all the silly things. Jared feels more than he hears Jensen's soft hum, closes his eyes when Jensen's lips land on his hair, sniffing it. -Even your idiotic comments about my strawberry and vanilla scenting shampoo, he quips, making Jen laugh softly. -When we get home, I'll never call it that, Jensen says. -I'll call it strictly bubble gum and watermelon it is. — Jared stands in Jensen's bathroom, in his hands a bundle of towel he has just took off from covering the mirror. The sight seems weird. All these weeks, he has got used to visit a bathroom without a mirror in it, and today Jen finally said he wanted to see his face. That's a process everyone goes through individually, dr. Balaban has said. It's possibly one of the greatest step to take, and no-one shouldn't feel forced to do it. Now, since dr. Novak has started speaking about Jensen being well enough to head home soon, Jen has decided it's time. Home. The place that has felt not more like a airport of kinds, a base where there is bed, fridge and shower for Jared and both of their families to use. During the days Megan or Jensen's parents have visited, it has temporarily felt like something more, distantly warm and cozy place, but it hasn't been home after Jen left it and couldn't come back. Now, its transformation back into that draws closer and closer. Some renovation guys have already visited, doing some temporary changes here and there to make things easier as Jensen recovers further like easy-grab handles everywhere or non-slip mats, handrails and temperature control and pressure balance shower heads in all bathrooms. -Jay? Jared hears Jensen's calling from the patient room and drags himself back to the here and now. Jen was adamant that this is a thing to do at this point, and his voice sounds confident and strong. Jared hears Kim's voice asking something, and Jensen answers her with a lower, but equally confident voice. -You don't need to do this yet, Jared says when Jensen wheels his chair closer to half-open door and steps aside to let Jen in. -You can take your time. Jensen huffs, his concentration in moving his chair forward, and then he stops and glances at Jared with determination. -Am I looking that horrendous? He asks, aiming for a light banter, but his voice crumbling slightly in the end betrays his nervous state. -You look fabulous to me, babe, Jared says softly. -Different, of course. But in my eyes, you'll always be the most handsome man walking on this Earth. -Nah, Jensen snarks. -You're sky-rocketing my blood sugar speaking like that. Jared only smiles, knowing that the rough snarkiness is an act, Jensen's way of coping with the situation he has been distressed about for - well, really it's God knows how long, but he has spoken of it about a week. Jared doesn't know what Jeffrey and Jen spoke the other day, but it has really changed something profound in Jensen's attitude. There are still times when he's insufferably self-deprivating and he has his bouts of depression, times when he simply wants to sleep curled under the blanket and not have any contact to anyone.Alongside them, he has earnest desire to struggle back to where he was before his pneumonia and above. It's like he's channeling his anger and frustration into getting better and better, having longer times staying up, succeeding more steps at a time along the hall, recahing for quicker and more handy in getting into places with his wheelchair. -Okay, do you want me to stay or go? Jared asks when Jen wheels into the bathroom, wide and all accessible so that they both fit in without any problem. Yesterday Jen wanted him with, but it's always possible that his mind has changed. -Stay, for starters, Jen says, moving his hand to touch Jared's thigh. After the first moment of heart to heart and cuddling they have started to touch each other again, just simple, short touches wherever it feels natural. Jared feels simply ecstatic to see that every now and then it's also Jen who makes the initiative. Jared fishes the hand inside his, rubbing his finger over the fabric of Jen's pressure glove softly. -Absolutely, he says. -If you want me to leave, just say it. Jensen nods, a slightly wavered look of confidence back on his face, and wheels himself in front of the mirror. He stops when the chair handles bump softly into the sink, lowers his face down without even glancing at the mirror yet and takes a couple of grounding breaths. Jared has seen him do these kinds of things quite often recently — exercises Jen has learned during his sessions with dr. Balaban. He keeps his hand softly on Jensen's, not wanting to crowd him but wanting to show him that he's there. Jensen's face look different, that's for sure. His skin is bloodstained and puffy, its color has changed with pale and purple plots all around it, and there are scars on the sides of his neck from the escharotomies that needed to be done right after the accident when Jen's face swelled out of shape. Still, Danneel was somewhat right at the very start — the most prominent features in Jen's face are still visible, the original shape of his face has been restored and no skin transplantations have been needed. Jared, who has gotten used to how Jensen looks from day to another, can look at him without difficulty. It doens't mean though that for Jensen, who still remembers how he used to look, the change will most probably be drastic. -Take your time, babe, Jared says encouragingly, squatting down to stay lower as he waits for Jen to be ready to open his eyes. -I'm here. Jensen lets out a soft huff, lifts his face and opens his eyes slowly. The silence is asphyxiating. Jensen stares at the mirror, clearly seeing what there is, but the dots not connecting. His breathing turns forcibly calm and shuddering, and his hands curl in his lap as he blinks towards the sight. Jared looks at the mirror too, meticulously keeping his own expressions in check as he sees the maelstrom of emotions changing on Jen's face. His eyes stay vacant though, ghostly empty. Finally, he lowers his face back into his lap. -Could you —, he rasps softly, waving towards the bed, and Jared takes the handles without questions. Jensen lets Jared help him back to his bed — a thing they have gone through with Kim so many times by now that it goes quite fluently — and closes his eyes as soon as he's back laying down. -I'm so tired, Jay, he whispers, his throat working in deep swallows. -Want to drink? Jared asks, receiving a head shake. He takes Jen's hand into his — limp, but warm. What he's happy about is that Jen doesn't pull away, doesn't reject him like so many times before. Instead, he lets his hand stay, even squeezes back a little. Jared stays where he is until Jen's shuddering breath has evened out before he stands up, walks gingerly to the bathroom and covers the mirror again with the towel.
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
Jared feels the pride swelling in his chest. He's sitting on a bench in the hospital's big physiotherapy room, watching as Jensen does a kind of circuit training trail, supported by Kim and Linda both. He's needing great help only in moving from equipment to another, his walking still uncertain and shuffling.The actual training in the equipments, when he sits or lays down, is going fluently, almost like he isn't recovering from serious injuries at all. Naturally, Jensen works with many times lighter weighs than he used to when he was working and in a top fit — in most equipment, he uses the lightest weighs or even a simple bar — and also some of his movements are more restricted than they would be with somone healthy. Still, this is something Jared couldn’t even dream about some short weeks ago.He follows Jensen proceeding with a keen eye, his heart pounding in his chest when Jen takes a brief breather in the middle of a series, his chest heaving and his eyes closing as he lays down to rest on a bench of the equipment he has been working on. Neither of the personal trainers close to him seem distressed though, Kim squatting down to talk to him, her hand supportively on Jen's arm, and Linda standing nearby, holding a bottle for Jen to take a little sip of water.It's like Jen knows that Jared’s sitting there and watching him anxiously. Right after he's had a brief stop and a couple of sips from the bottle, Jen lifts his eyes, looking for Jared. Jared has tears in his eyes as he waves to Jen, and Jen looks at him, blowing a kiss and smiling at him.Jared couldn’t feel happier than at this very moment. — When Jensen's gym is over, he's too exhausted to wheel himself back to his room, so Jared does that for him. Jared is also the one listening to Kim's notions of the work out, Jen looking like half asleep as he leans his head on the headrest, his eyes following listlessly the sight outside of the windows on a glass tunnel they are walking along back to the ward.Kim sounds cheerful and supportive as she talks about Jensen’s increased stamina and agility that has gotten so much better in the last week.-Your discipline in doing your first exercises regularly is paying back now, Jensen, she says, and Jensen wakes up from his stupor, humming softly and flashing a little grateful smile before he falls back to his thoughts.-Do the stretches carefully tonight, Kim instructs Jared when they are on Jensen's door, and Jared nods dutifully. -Not too hard. Simply recovering exercises. And take care of sufficient water intake.Linda hands Jensen his water bottle, smiling at him, and Kim squats downtolook for Jensen's eyes once more.-Keep on with this pace, and you'll be home before you know it, mister, she says. —
Home.
To Jared, the idea of Jensen getting back home feels still surrealistic. He's happy, of course, to get him home, to get back to their life together instead of this treadmill of work-home-hospital-home-work, always feeling like in a wrong place, always needing or longing to be somewhere else.Idea of sleeping together, snuggling on a couch watching a movie together, sitting on a porch swing together feels almost like a dream too big to come true.And simultaneously, the thought of staying together with Jensen, just by the two of them, horrifies Jared. There’s a part in him that wants to beg the hospital personnel not to cast them away, to the darkness, to an unknown future, filled with questions.What if something goes wrong? What if Jared doesn’t learn what he needs to? What if Jensen collapses, or gets a bug, or has pain that isn't controlled by any pills?How will they know when call the hospital? How will they remember all the millions of details in Jensen's care?It feels like a path, disappearing into a bush in a jungle, impossible to see through. And Jared has no idea if he knows how to use a machete. — After Jen's gym, they go together to Jen's room and Jared helps him in transferring back to his bed. They sit together and talk a little, and then Jen's eyes start to droop although he clearly struggles against it. Jared smiles seeing it, crouching down to peck a light kiss on Jen's brow and making him flinch.-Sorry, babe, he whispers, combing Jensen’s hair out of his face with gentle fingers. -Go to sleep if you need to.Jensen shifts, mumbling reluctantly. -I wish you needn't go.Jared’s heart takes a happy skip, and he leans a bit closer, taking this time Jensen's wrist as a target for his gentle kiss.-But why, I'm sure I can squeeze a moment of two in between my extremely busy schedule to spend with my husband, he teases.Jensen hums, eyes still closed, but he has clearly taken the memo as he shifts his arm, opening it invitingly up for Jared. Jared snuggles in — gingerly, most of his weight beside Jensen on his mattress instead on top of him.-Is this good? He whispers, touching Jen's cheek gently with his moving lips.-Totally, Jensen murmurs, turning his head so that his breath meet Jared's hair.That's more intimate than they have been in ages, and Jared feels the familiar tingling feeling traveling down his spine, pooling warmly in his stomach. His hand has sneaked under Jensen’s sheet, and Jen's naked skin around his navel — one of the noninflicted spaces in Jensen’s skin Jared has learned by heart already — feels smooth, soft and warm. Right up from it, there is a scar, faded but still felt to touch, reminder of some operation Jensen had as a teenager.Jared stops his fingers at the scar, thinking a moment about Jensen’s fresh scars. He hasn't seen many of those, but he knows that when they are home, he'll see and care for those no matter how many home-aid nurses there will be as well.He tries to imagine how would that feel, but to his surprise, the only thought he has is a sorrow for Jensen. Jensen deserves gentle care for every single one of his scars, he thinks. Jared's sure that he'll do his best to love all of them just like he loves Jen.He realizes his hand has travelled upwards, near to Jensen's chest where his most vulnerable scars are, not earlier than when Jensen's breath hitches and he shifts with a low moan.-Sorry, babe, Jared whispers with another kiss. -Go to sleep.He stops, relaxing to rest against Jensen’s warm skin, and soon his husband's breathing evens out under his hands, making him realize that Jensen's back asleep. — Jared couldn’t really know what to expect when he got ready for the date-slash-get-together-slash-whatever with the firefighter who had saved him from some drunken idiot. He changed and changed in front of the mirror, unable to decide whether it was a night sky blue polo that hugged his best sides or a simple casual band t-shirt that complimented his eyes.When he walked to Cafe Je't Aime — seriously! —, he saw the guy, taller than anyone else, standing in shadow and looking around a little uncertainly. Jared barely recognized him, he was so different from the snarky own-it-all guy he had seen at the brewhouse. But, from that moment on, Jensen possessed also something that stirred Jared's interest. There was a guy who was happy with himself, Jared noticed. A guy who stood with his both two feet. A guy who took responsibility for his own happiness.And the others' happiness too, Jared came to know — because Jensen was one of the most generous people Jared knew. In a company of friends, he seemed to think that everything that was his was his friends' as well. He was always ready to share his money and resources, even sometimes to his own detriment. He must have been some kind of commune living hippie in his earlier life.Still, Jensen was shy and not easily approached. In their first meeting, he was a perfect gentleman, giving Jared his time and undivided attention but simultaneously it was kind of hard for Jensen to open up. So it happened that when they parted ways, Jensen kissing Jared to the back of his hand like some golden-age Hollywood star in a movie, Jensen knew all of Jared’s life story but Jared knew barely nothing except Jen's immediate life situation and his closest family.Also, on a bad day, Jensen was impatient towards the things he found important and waited to happen, and easily found faults from himself in conflicted situations, falling into depression as a result. During the last months, there had been more than enough of those bad days for sure. That is a theme Jared doesn’t want to dwell on for too long.Luckily he doesn't have to, because Jen shifts beside him, turning his head sleepily and murmuring something indecipherable. He doesn't seem to be in pain, but Jared gets up gingerly anyhow. He doesn't want to do anything to increase Jensen’s discomfort. Even the idea is insufferable.Jared glances out of the window, seeing that the sun is starting to set. The idea of leaving Jen for the night feels bad, but they have agreed with that earlier.He looks at Jensen’s resting face but doesn't prolong the moment too much, knowing that every minute will make it even harder. He crouches towards Jen, pecked a light kiss under his ear.-Sleep tight, babe, he whispers gently, already missing his husband. -See you tomorrow. — It feels weird at first, being apart like this, for both of them. To begin with, Jensen sleeps so he doesn't think of it for the first two hours but after he has woken up, fumbled the tv on and started the movie, he starts to feel lonely not hearing Jared’s running commentary on happenings or rubbing his wrist with gentle fingers — a touch Jensen really has started to love. He watches one movie, and after that, he turns to look out of the window.Thinking of Jared at home, the place he will soon join his husband in, makes the longing even more tangible for Jensen. Will everything be the same as it was or has Jared carried through all those crazy interior design ideas he has thrown at Jensen during the years? Jensen has never been too much into all that, for him the home is the cosiest when it stays how it is, but Jared enjoys watching all those shows where some guys come and turn someone else's home upside down with great money. Now Jared has had a perfect time to do it, Jensen chuckles at himself. At least, there will be all those equipment making home accessible, he thinks, growing serious. Here in the hospital, every place is accessible anyway so one doesn't have to give a single thought to how everyday things are mastered. Bathroom. Kitchen. Getting out of bed. Jensen imagines Jared int he middle of their living room, his face dotted with paint like when they had just bought their dream house and needed to do some renovation. We don't need any renovators, Jared reassured. We are both healthy, fit and can think straight - how difficult can it really be to do some painting and hanging the wallpapers?Jensen sighs, turning to look out of the window.
Man, I need you so much it's crazy.
—
Jared stops at the door of their home, waiting the cab to leave behind his back, and takes in a long gulp of air as he looks at the dark windows. For these months, he has ran in without a thought, the idea of empty home too painful to let in, and stopped only when there were all lights on in every room, stereos playing music and Xbox ready.Now that Jen's coming home for sure, the dark windows looks even darker, giving the beautiful house a gloomy, even haunted appearance.Jared walks the stairs slowly, digging his keys out with no hurry and opening the door, actually waiting for it to let out a horror movie shrill of the rusty hinges instead of opening smoothly without a sound.There is an opening button for the door already in place, but it has to be connected to the town's electrical grid. The very first prove of Jensen’s homecoming, the impending new way of life for them two.Jared walks in, taking his take out in cardboard and folio to the kitchen island and getting rid of his shoes. The mexican food is still warm, and Jared eats it straight from the box, not minding to change the plastic cutleries into the real ones from the drawer.After their raging first argument, both of their therapists recommended them to spend a night apart every now and then, now that Jensen’s feeling better and the risk of setbackst have diminished greatly.There is some wisdom in the idea, Jared thinks. When proposed, they both agreed, thinking it could do good for them both to take time to theirselves.Why is it then that Jared feels right now more lonely than ever? — -I really can't believe it. 80 days.Dr. Balaban smiles and looks at Jensen expectantly, as she always does. At first, it felt irritating for Jensen. Oppressive, somehow. But now, after these weeks seeing the doctor, he knows that it's simply her style and nothing more.-How do you feel when you think about that? She asks.Jensen chuckles, examining his hands on his lap for a moment. -So fed up and ready to go, he says. -And weirdly not ready at all.-Many feel that way after a long time in a hospital, dr. Balaban says. -Especially when much have changed meanwhile.-I can't even think of how much have changed, Jensen huffs. -When I thinks of it, it feels like nothing is as it was except Jared and the walls in our home. The whole place is renovated. I don't even recognize it from the pictures. My basketball friends haven't probably heard a thing about this all. They'll wait for me to come to play, and I -Jensen huffs and lowers his gaze, and dr. Balaban leans a little closer. -Don't expect too much of yourself, Jensen, she says kindly. -At first, it will be a big adjustment to find the routines and new ways to do things in everyday life. How you'll sleep in a bed that's not motorized. How you'll get up and lay down. How you'll move around in narrow spaces with corners and edges and stuff.Jensen nods. He has had the talks with his occupational therapist, a new magazine cover guy called Dylan, as well as Kim and Linda. They have even rehearsed it, doing both mental and tangible exercises in how to get along with different spaces and surfaces. They have visited hospital's social office and cantine together, went to another building for it along a long underground corridor that had masses of chances for the ladies to put Jensen through hard places. Those days have taken a lot out of him and basically shown him how long road he still has ahead. But, at the same time, they have strengthened his determination that on some days is more like stubborness. Shown him that he has what it takes.-We have talked about that with Dylan and Kim, he says.-What kind of thoughts have those discussions stirred in your mind?Again, a question which kind irritated Jensen at first to know end. Like, what does it matter what he thinks about every single tiny detail? It took dr. Balaban a great deal of time to reassure him that yes, it matters. Now, Jensen shifts slightly on the armchair he's sitting on, thinking about the question.-I kind of think that I need to start everything all over, he says softly. -Like, the same way when I needed to learn to breathe without a ventilator again. Or, how to sit, or how to walk.Those are the days that Jensen doesn't remember fondly. In the beginning, there were the days, even weeks, after his waking up and becoming cognizant when he would have done anything in the whole world to get back to the very start. To the place where his pains were dulled, his thoughts fuzzy, his emotions only vague shadown moving sluggishly on the surface of his consciousness, something he could realize being there but not touch or get any closer. The first times he felt, physically or mentally, it was like a tide washing over him, drowning him. Like a beast attacking him again and again. Like a nightmare that had neither end nor beginning.Dr. Balaban nods, solemnly. -This is a brand new start for you, Jensen, she says. -Some use even a phrase "second birthday" to describe the feeling.-That sounds a bit pompous, Jensen says, unsurely. -But... there's something in it think I can relate to as well. — Jared has come by the time Jensen has the appointment with his doctor, and Dr. Novak has them a handful of pamphlets as they sit down on the chairs in his office. Jensen leaves his brand new lower walk-aid, reaching only to his waist, at the corner and takes the last couple of steps, slow and dragging, with Jared's help.Not any of the men in the room indicate that there's any hurry whatsoever, and that's what Jensen tries to tell himself as well. He can't help pondering sometimes about how far in his recovery he would be should the pneumonia never stopped his promising rehabilitation for weeks. Would he be walking without aid already? Or would he be able to use a discreet crutch or something he could hide back at home when he didn't want to stand as an exclamation mark for everyone to see?Usually, he quells that kind of thoughts. He knows they are not fruitful, because they tell about a reality that doesn't exist. In this reality, here and now, he has had the pneumonia - or, just as well, he could have succumbed to it, leaving Jared a widower and his extended family without a son, sibling, uncle and brother-in-law.-Here we present home help services available, dr. Novak is saying, and Jensen realises that him and Jared have talked for a while already.-Sorry, he mutters, and Jared glances at him warmly and brushes his arm, dr. Novak smiling at him. He doesn't deserve these wonderful people around him, he thinks.-Not at all, dr. Novak says. -We weren't far along. This time, we need to talk a bit about your going back home. Here, with us, you've been surrounded around 24/7 with healthcare personnel, but at home you must do many things by yourself. It doesn't mean though that there isn't help services available.The doctor hands Jensen a shiny, colored brochure with laughing and hugging people in the cover. -When you get back home and have settled, say in a week or little less, you may ask a person called at-home care team planner who comes to you, talks with you about your every day life, the hardships you have found and the needs that have arisen during your home stay that far, the doctor says and Jared nods in a way that Jensen knows that they have gone through the basics already. It's actually good, because Jensen has had those talks with his therapists during his appointments in the last couple of days.-After that, you may choose a provider from a list insurance company has for you and contact them yourself. The team can include nurses, personal and occupational trainers, social workers and home health aides. Your needs and the coverage of your insurance will determine the composition of your personal team.They both nod, and Jared rubs softly over Jensen's hand. Jensen feels thankful for the support, the touch that says that Jared will be here as clearly as he would be speaking the words out loud.-I have a possibility to work from home as long as Jensen needs me, Jared says, glancing at Jensen with a smile that warms Jensen's heart to the bottom of it. -I'm working with excels and stuff mostly anyway, so it's not difficult to arrange with my boss.Dr. Novak smiles, looking contented. -That's a big help, he says. -You need to remember though that you can't be with each other around the clock.-You mean that Jared has to have free time from me, Jensen says, squeezing Jared's hand to silence him. -It's okay, babe. I know it, it's only natural. You need to have your own hobbies too.Jared swallows his objection, turning to the doctor instead with his question. -What sould we need to know when we choose those people to help Jensen?-That's good question, Jared, dr. Novak says. -It's wise to start with the applicant's experience. You get through it much easier if you find a person that has cared for burn injuries before. You can also specifically ask that from your care team planner as they come.Jared nods, squeezing Jensen's hand again. Dr. Novak looks at them both, letting the silence be for a while. -I know there's a lot to digest here, he says. -But it's not like we're casting you into the sea and cutting the ropes. You'll still visit us as outpatient, Jensen - you'll meet other doctors, but I'lm doing shifts there occasionally too. Your meetings with dr. Balaban can keep on for a time should you feel the need for it.-I'm thankful for everything you've done, dr. Novak, Jensen says raspily. -It's your doing that I'm alive now.Dr. Novak smiles. -It's teamwork, he says. -Of course, a thank you feels good. I appreciate it.They speak something else too, have some more pamphlets with people's names and phone numbers, and then the meeting is over and they stand in a hall, blinking at each other void of words.-It really is happening, Jared says after a moment of silence.-Yeah, it is.They stay still for a moment before turning towards the next office. — -We're going to send you home with about a week's worth of medical supplies so you'll have time to figure out what to get and where, Lisa says, glancing through a paper she has in her hands. -You'll have this list, and with it you'll have the stuff from the hospital's assistive equipment center. There are several brands available, these are only what we deliver. Later on, you'll find your own favorites.She smiles at both of the men, giving the list for Jared according to Jensen's gesture. A pinch grab is still laborious, on occasion impossible for him, and he notices he has got today's fill.-And these are all covered by Jensen's insurance? Jared ensures, holding the list between him and Jensen for them both to read.-Yes, they are. If you find some product you prefer over these ones, don't hesitate to contact the equipment center. They will know if it or some similar product is covered by your insurance.-It's a heck of a list, Jensen comments, reading the list up and down.-So, we're thankful your insurance plan is so comprehensive, Jared points out, doing the same. -I didn't even know you need all of this daily. I mean, the bandages and ointments and medicines and stuff are obvious, but like...At that, Jensen clears his throat sharply. Jared glances at him briefly and then he gets it, blushing and rising his hand to scratch his neck.-Yeah, me and my big mouth, he states. -Sorry, Jen.Lisa smiles at them understandingly. -The list is as comprehensive as possible, she says. -It's not worth it to be prudent and then one day wake up without any clue of how to tske care of intimate things. Everything is in the net these days, of course, but we hope our list will save some of your energy.-Thank you, Lisa, Jensen says warmly, and Jared goes back to the list with an incredulous expression on his face.-For these, we'll definitely need a moving truck, he says.Moving truck, Jensen thinks. That figures. He realizes just now that everything will be all new. A start for a whole new world for the two of them. He must let out some kind of a sound, because Jared turns towards him at once, his expression concerned. -Need to take a break, Jen? He asks. -We can come later if you want. Jensen smiles, letting his hand brush Jared's forearm. -Thank you for being here with me, Jay, he whispers. Jared looks a bit baffled, but he returns the smile anyway. A genuine, gentle, hundred-percent Jared smile. -Likewise, he says.
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
The last days between the getting home announcement and the actual moment of walking out the doors together feel ambivalent. Jensen uses the days in decisive training, having gotten a new boost out of the doctor's news. Jared works feverishly to get everything ready back home.In the evenings, they are both tired and snappy, spending their time in watching movie after movie from Jared's laptop. Staying close feels good anyway, so that's what they do, leaving the words for now.There is a place for everything, said Sarah Blake, the psychologist Jared has seen a couple of times to have someone outside family to share and bounce his thoughts with. Sometimes, talking is overrated. Sometimes the touch will convey everything that's needed for a certain moment. — -This is crazy, Jared says to the doctor sitting opposite him behind a desk. -I mean, this feels too soon. Jensen’s still recuperating.He has so much difficulties, in moving, in eating... And his moods.Dr. Novak nods thoughtfully, letting Jared decompress without a word.-I mean, I love to get him back home, it's not that... It's just... How can we manage at home? When everything is so different? Jensen’s so weak still. What if he catches a germ?Jared's distressed eyes stop into the doctor’s, and that's how dr. Novak knows his turn has come. He smiles to other man reassuringly. -Your questions are very common, and very understandable, he says. -They rise from your love towards Jensen and your desire to make everything as good to him as possible. The thing is, we are in a same boat with you.Jared nods, relaxing minutely. -Of course you are, he says. -I'm sorry I implied otherwise.-Not at all. Your questions are all natural and allowed. The doctor shifts on his chair, his eyes wiping over the chart on his table before looking at Jared again. -It's better to lay them out in the open than lose your night sleep over it.Jared chuckles, a bit surprised. -Yeah.It's not usual nowadays Jared is sitting alone with the doctor. Today though, he saw his chance when Jensen had Lisa with him and they had something personal to be done. Jensen and him have agreed to hire a home care nurse for some time, and what they thought the same is that Jensen’s private care will be kept out of Jared’s eyes. They share almost everything in life, but wiping each others' butts is something they both agree to leave for their older years. -I know this situation will feel overwhelming, but what we actually do here is that we enable Jensen's further recovery, dr. Novak says. -Hospital is an institution, Jared. It's a place that screams illness, injuries, death. It's a place that binds a person to a bed, whispers to him that you're too ill to survive out in the world. Everything is done for you, implementing that you're not capable of doing these things yourself. -Okay. Jared doesn’t know what to say so he doesn't. -While a person is real sick, like Jensen has been, hospital is absolutely the right place to be, dr. Novak says. -But we need to see when the kind of care hospital offers is not needed anymore.The doctor smirks, crossing his fingers together on his desk. -Also, when it comes to germs and bacteria, it's here in the hospital where Jensen is in greater danger of getting one. He well meet barely a fraction of those when you are back in your home environment. — Next day, the one that should be the last of the renovation in Jared and Jensen’s home surely doesn't look like that with all of the ripped walls and floors, men marching in and out and debris all over.-My family is coming in five days, Jared is explaining at the boss, a round guy with moustache and a shining bald that reminds of Mario from Mario Bros. The notion doesn't amuse Jared though as he's standing in the middle of front yard, running his hands over his hair in distress he tries to hold back. -You promised the bathrooms to be ready today.-I did, sir, Mario says. -I'm sorry but our current supplier has some problems with shipping. The bars are ordered from another supplier but it takes what it takes also by truck. We are ready to negotiate of suitable discounts, of course.Jared closes his eyes, huffing. -I don't need any discounts, he mourns. -I need my home ready so that I can move back in time. I don't want my parents and in-laws here in the middle of this chaos, and I certainly don't want my husband here when everything iss all over the place!He hears his voice getting louder and louder, unable to hold in the emotion it carries. Everything was planned ready. Everything was okay. Everything was in Jared’s control, first time in months, and now he hears that it has all gone haywire again.-Mr. Padalecki Ackles, the renovator starts, but Jared lifts his hand placatingly. -No, I'm sorry.The man’s tiny eyes are empathetic. Oh how Jared hopes he could be normal again, not needing to be met with such empathy in every turn. -I've done this for decades, Mr. Padalecki Ackles, the man says. -We'll do everything we can to stay in the schedule. There's much we can move from tomorrow to today. Installing the missing bars is an hour, two hours job. You don’t need to postpone the cleaning more than a day, two at the most.Jared huffs again, struggling to find a polite smile from his sortiment of expressions. -Do that, he says. -A day. I'll call the cleaning firm right now.He walks further, under the cooling shade of a tree away from the roasting sunlight and starts to look for a number when he hears a holler from the other side of the fence.-How are my guys doing? Tom asks with a smile on his face. Jared smiles at the man. Mario and his guys being here is thanks to Tom's connections. A godfather or something if Jared remembers right. He would never have had the strength or presence of mind to start looking through the yellow pages as soon as needed so what Tom has done is invaluable to both Jared and Jensen.-They're doing, he states, and Tom comes closer with a questioning frown on his face. Jared glances behind the man, seeing Lindsey there with her jogging outfit as well, knelt down to bind her shoe laces.-Sorry, I'm being too harsh, he backs off. -It's not him, it's their supplier. But the renovation will be delayed.Tom frowns hearing that, taking a sip of his bottle. -No, it's not your doing, he says. -I'm sure David at least offered you a discount for it?-He did, Jared admits. -It's just... I need this one succeed so bad. Jen can't come home in the middle of renovation and dust. He needs all those equipment to help him move around. And he needs clean air to breathe, no sawdust and dirt and chemicals and whatever micro particles there are in the air.Tom looks empathetic, starts to say something, but then Lindsey walks closer and stops beside them.-Hi, Jared, she says. -Renovation going well?Tom clears his throat, putting his hand lightly on Lindsey's arm. The gesture is all new, and Jared catches it instantly. Suddenly he remembers Tom in Lindsey's tight hug in the ICU waiting room, the night Steve passed away.-I have an idea, Tom says, not noticing a slight shift in the mood. -When have you last had some good sweating, Jared? Join me and Lindsey in going around the lake. David and his men got this. You have my word. — -You're going to have this inhaler with you as you get back home, Jensen, occupational therapist Nina says. -It looks a bit like an ashtma nebulizer, but it hasn't any medicine in it. The idea of it is to strengthen your lungs while you recover. You use it twice a day. And if you have problems breathing, you come to us. Jensen looks at the small plastic item as Nina places it into his lap. -How much equipment I'll need in breathing back home? He asks, aiming for a light tone but not managing hundred percent. -I have the oxygen machine for nights already, and medicine to take in case.-Your lungs took a really bad hit in the accident, Nina says, a perfect blend of brisk and empathetic. -It will take time for them to recover, as well as the other parts of you.Jensen nods. -Thank you.-Not at all, Nina smiles, putting the device aside. -This is working quite the same as the equipment you've had here in the hospital, but we'll look it through with you just a bit later. Today, I'd want to start with your fingers.Nina laughs as Jensen rolls his eyes, taking his hands gingerly, one by one, from under the sheet. -You've done your finger gym every day with Jared, haven't you?Jensen nods. -Every other hour, as you've said.-Good. Nina takes some every day kitchen items from a bag she has with her. -Let's look at how your mobility is today. And after that, a little creative problem solving — cleaning up some mess done in the kitchen. — -So, how are you today, Jensen? Dr. Balaban smiles at the man in front of her, sitting in a chair with high back that supports its user in a position with straight back and feet on the floor. Jensen has tried also the other one in the room, cozy and soft armchair that enables a bit of nesting, but he has found the harder, ryhdikkäämpi chair more comfortable.Looking at the man in front of her makes dr. Balaban feel accomplished for him. The first time they met, Jensen was completely bed bound, surrounded by all the equipment he sorely needed to survive, and he barely stayed awake during the brief chat they had. Now, Jensen has come to meet his psychiatrist walking with his two feet.The meeting is scheduled right after his occupational therapy so that every activity Jensen has today takes place before the noon when he's the most active and in good moods. This way, he can rest and recover a moment before lunch and have the rest of the day free as usual.Nina, the occupational therapist, escorted Jensen into the psychiatrist's room as the last exercise of their meeting. Jensen still needs help in things like sitting and turning, and he needed to leave the walk-aid on the corner so the couple of steps to the chair he took with the therapist's help. Still, seeing him up and so active is great, and that's what dr. Balaban tells Jensen as well.-Thanks, Jensen says, smiling shyly and looking for something from his chest pocket.-A napkin? Dr. Balaban reaches to give Jensen one, and Jensen nods thankfully, taking the napkin and wiping the sweat out of his brow. -A real feat, changing a room to another along the same hall, he quips, sounding a bit embarrassed. -I was just thinking about how far you have come during these months, dr. Balaban says. -You really have a reason to be proud of yourself.Jensen nods, lowering his eyes onto his lap. There's something in that man, dr. Balaban thinks. He's definitely a hard worker, but when anything he has done or accomplished is talked about, he becomes all shy and apprehensive. He's articulative in his thoughts though, and that's what the most important thing concerning a therapy. When it comes to emotions, well, it's a bit of a feat, but that's in the core of dr. Balaban's professionality. -So, what do you need today? Dr. Balaban asks, opening her pad and taking her pen. -Something grounding or more like activating?That's how they roll, following a pattern they both are familiar and comfortable with. Dr. Balaban sees her patient calming down by the minute as they talk through the last two days — happenings, thoughts, emotions they have stirred and ways to meet them constructively.-Emotions are news your mind shows for you, dr. Balaban says. -They are telling you something new, something you can take an account on when you think of how're you doing. There are no good or bad emotions. Let's rather call them, for example, positive and complex.They do together some surveys — depression and mental health overall. Then, Dr. Balaban shows Jensen a third survey, laying the paper on the table in front of Jensen.-This is a PTSD survey, she explains. -I'd like you to fill this in now that you're getting back home.-PTSD? Jensen’s brows fly up in surprise, and he glances at the doctor incredulously. -Post-traumatic stress disorder, isn't it?-Exactly.-Isn't it something the Afghanistan veterans go through? Flinching at abrupt sounds, going ballistic during New Year's Eve, that sort of thing?Dr. Balaban nods. -You're absolutely right, she says. -But that's not all. It's a disorder than can develop as a result of many traumatic events. As for you, I'm mostly thinking your recurring nightmares. They can be "only" nightmares, — the doctor draws the citation marks into the air, - your mind's way to handle all the things happened to you. That wouldn't be anything out of ordinary, quite the opposite. But, if there's something PTSD typical going on, knowing about it will give us a possibility to tend you the right way.Jensen nods solemnly, takes the pen and starts to skim the paper in front of him.-PTSD Screening, he reads from the paper, questioningly.-Yes, dr. Balaban says, smiling. -This is a very quick and simple tool to start with. If needed, there are more profound approaches available like diagnostic interview. But let's take one step at a time, shall we? — The path they are running winds here and there, under the trees, along the parks and passing an elementary school before it dives into a cool, shady forest. For the last half a mile, they have taken intervals, and finally Jared needs to lift his hands in surrender. Tom and Lindsey stop at once, Lindsey finding a tree trunk to stretch against a couple of steps further. Tom spreads his arms, rolling them around in the air and smiling when Jared takes a squat, laying his elbows on his knees and breathing heavily, trying to catch his even rhythm. -Not bad, man, Tom says encouragingly.-I've just come back to my running, Jared says, standing up and shaking his wrists. -With Jen, we did this all the time. But somehow, in the hospital setting, it's so easy to forget these things.Tom looks understanding. -Yes, or course, he says. -Sorry if I sounded like a jerk. -Not at all, Jared smiles. -You simply told the truth. I have a way to go.-But you're going in right direction, aren't you?-I hope I am. Neither of them knows what to say for a while, so they simply keep stretching. Jared asks if he can drink from Tom's bottle, and Tom complies. Lindsey has moved on even further, clearly wanting to give the men some space. -So, Jared says. He has never been a friend of long silences. Especially not with people he knows only artifially.-I owe you an apology, Jared, Tom blurts out abruptly. Jared stops his drinking in the middle of the gulp, swallows quickly and wipes his mouth with a back of his hand.-What? Oh, no, there's no...-Please, Jared, hear me out. This has haunted me from the night of the accident. That's why I haven't visited and all.Tom's expression is desperate, his voice strained. Jared blinks once, then his brain gets the memo and he waves towards the picnic table on the other side of the clearing they have stopped beside.-Of course, man, he says soothingly. -Just sit down, how about that?They go, and by the time they have seated Tom has got his thoughts somewhat together. He has his sweat bandana in his hands, and he swirls it around as he speaks softly.-Over there at the hospital, Tom says raspily. -I was there when Steve died. When we waited for the news from Jensen. -I remember, Jared complies, his voice soft. He still doesn't remember that night with gladness, but the memory has become easier the weeks and months going by. -You were there with Lindsey and Jeffrey.-I should have done something more, Tom says. -I was being so fucking self-indulgent. I didn't even reckon you. Like, what kind of a person doesn't even say condolences or whatever to a husband of the injured one?Jared clears his throat, his own bandana feeling like a tight band around his own neck. He takes it, pushing it to his forehead. He notices his hand shaking. He puts it inside his other, pressing both of his hands against his thighs. -I understand, he says softly. -I've never blamed you for that, Tom. I only felt sorrow and sympathy for you. I mean, you lost a loved one too. Wasn't Steve like... like your childhood friend or something?Tom nods, his face suddenly turning to a grimace and a little, whimpering sob coming out of his mouth.That's when Lindsey comes, half running, and crouches beside the man. -Awwwww, Tommy, she coos empathetically, carding her fingers through the man's mane of hair. -I'm so sorry, she mouths to Jared when Tom presses his face against her shoulder and wraps his arms tightly around her. -Was it Steve?Jared nods, feeling suddenly numb. The whole situation has taken him by surprise, and he has no idea what to think about it.Lindsey sighs, presses a tiny kiss on Tom's cheek — another thing Jared catches as a completely new kind of gesture between those two — and looks at Jared with an apology in her dark, deep eyes. -Tom has spoken about it only recently, she says softly. -It's still so hard for him. I'm sorry you needed to hear it.-No, not at all, Jared mumbles, but Lindsey reaches her hand to pat his shoulder. -No, it isn't 'not at all', she says determinatedly. -You are having it so hard, Jared. We know it. We shouldn't add to your burden.Jared nods, smiling uncertainly. -Thanks, he whispers.Their jog together ends there, on that clearing. Jared tells his goodbyes to Lindsey and still sobby but already more than embarrassed Tom, reassuring them that all is well and inviting them to a party for their newly renovated house when everything will be settled. With promises to keep contact, he leaves Jensen’s workmates to sit and takes a detour back home.A run, good, lung-splitting run like chased by the pack of some wild animals, has rarely felt as good for Jared. — Evening coming, Jared calls to the hospital. It's again a night they agreed beforehand to spend separately, but Jared feels simply too lonely and cold in their shredded home that he has to see Jen, even if it's only via the phone screen. By the quick answer, Jen shares the sentiment.-How are you, babe? Jared asks, snuggling with a throw blanket and pillow onto the couch that's the only furniture in their living room easily taken out from its plastic wraps. Jen's smile lights up the screen. -Better now, seeing you, he says softly.Jared smiles back, his eyes feeling itchy. -What's that? He asks. -Has my romantic Prince Charming drawled out from his cave?Jensen’s laugh, used to boom all over the room and bare his neck deliciously, is lighter now but it has the same tone as ever, making Jared chuckle as well. -Your Prince Charming is one day closer to get home, Jensen says. -Oh? Jared curls around the pillows, tighter, his own body warm feeling almost nothing. -What did the said day consist of?-I met the whole band, basically. Dr. Novak, dr. Balaban, Nina, Dylan, Jensen tells him. -And after that, I've been surfing in the net. -I see. How were the meetings?-Okay, I guess. Nina had a ashtma pipe for me. Similar as my granpa has. Now I feel so young and fresh.Jared chuckles. -How about the doctors?-Novak kept questioning me how I feel and poked me through. Tomorrow, that horror mansion Roman comes to check my skin transplants the last time and, no doubt, give me a lecture on how to take care of them at home.-That's important, babe, Jared chastises gently. -Yes, I know. I'm just starting to be full of information, I guess.-Okay. How about dr. Balaban?At that, Jensen becomes thoughtful. -With her, we did some surveys.-Surveys?-Quizzes. How depressed how I feel, and if I have some PTSD typical symptoms.Jared draws up at that. -PTSD? Like that post-traumatic thing the veterans have?-Yeah. Jensen looks straight at Jared from the screen, looking somehow sad. His voice is perky though as he keeps on.-But it doesn’t have to mean anything special, Jay, he says. -Dr. Balaban said she wanted to test me because I keep having those nightmares with explosing and collapsing things. She — well, she simply wants to make it sure.-Making sure, that must be good, I guess, Jared offers unsurely.There's a brief silence, and then Jensen’s face light up with a smile again.-After this wringer, you'll have a weapon against my bad-mouthed work buddies for the rest of our lives, he jokes, and Jared laughs, atmosphere lightening again.They talk, this and that, until Jensen’s eyes close in sleep. Even then, Jared looks at his husband's face, revelling in every detail he can see through the screen, hearing the familiar breathing, even and strong. He feels the most lucky person in the world to have that sight back in his life. And, soon, back at home.
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
12th March
Dear Diary (or Megan, ha ha),this is my first ever attempt in writing something like this, so don't bother in searching for other volumes. There aren't any.If you wonder why on Earth I'm doing something like this, check out the date. Yeah. Jen is in a hospital, and I took contact to this psychiatrist called Sarah Blake whose number I got from Jensen’s nurse. I visited her, and she recommended this as a way of organizing my thoughts. My mind and organizing don't really belong to the same universe these days, so I thought I could give it a try.Yeah, so. Sarah told me to simply write how I am doing from day to day, or maybe write down some problems or dilemmas I need to work out.Right now, my biggest problem is how to get everything fitting in my head. My thoughts are mostly with Jen — he's luckily getting better all the time, but I still worry for him so much. He's had it so hard it's difficult to wrap my head around it properly. Every time I see him I see the strain all of this is causing him, and it's breaking me. Like, how much burden one person can have without tuckering out?Sarah and me have talked about our roles. Jensen has always been the stronger of us. He's the one I find comfort and solace with, and now I need to be that for him.I'm not really sure how it's going to work out, but I surely will try my best.
15th March
Mom called today. We have taken on a routine to chat between every two or three days unless anything dramatic occurs. I love our talks. Mom talks mostly about grandpa and his antics — this week, he has woken up feeling like he was back in the war and tried to hide under his bed. It's sad how the Alzheimer mixes with one's current life and memories, but Mom says he seems mostly happy.She asked me if I'm sure I'm good here, but I couldn’t demand her to come and support me here while she has her father back home to take care of and all that. I told him that I'm fine, that I have our friends and everyone at the hospital. I'm not sure if that’s completely true, but it is what it is now.Jeffrey, Jensen’s boss, has been in touch too. He's been the sweetest. If it weren't him and the other guys in Steve's funeral I don't know how I would have made it. I'm so happy I didn't need to try. That funeral was, hands down, one of the most horrible experiences I've had in my whole life. The whole day, everything I saw was so much like Jen's would have been if —...I think the dinner Jeffrey proposed ages ago will happen some day in the future. I appreciate the gesture, though.
17th March
Today, I found this website where burn injury survivors tell their stories. There are both texts and videos, and it's super interesting. Though it feels that I'm watching some fiction, not the real people. It's such an alienating feeling.There was one story that touched me especially. I noticed I couldn't watch the stories where were people hurt in work or spouses... I guess it came too close to home. But, there was this young girl who told about her burn accident in her home kitchen. She was only four years old. It was a text, and I think her name, "Maria", was a pseudonym, but her story struck a cord in me. We are the same age, me and her. She could have been in my class. I could have sat beside her in the classroom, pondering where did she disappear in the middle of a fall period. I'm glad she survived.
20th March
Sarah asked me today if I've ever thought about some longer period of therapy for myself. I promised her I'll think about it.In a way, I realize that what happened has effected me too, but still I see myself mostly as a bystander. Jen is the one who's feeling the pain, having the nightmares, the need to reconstruct everything inside his head — his strength, his attitude, his body image, his feeling of being secure... Everything. How could it be me who needs a therapy?
22th March
I contacted the renovation guys Tom hinted me of the other day. Our home needs to be put all new to meet Jen's needs. It'll be all accessible, best possible for him to move around. I'm glad we bought a one story house.Jen's friends promised to come and help. That's such a relief. I don’t know what I'd do if I needed to do it all alone. All the phone calls, meetings, price comparisons. I know nothing of renovating — how would I know which kind of things are the best for Jen?He's coming out of pneumonia. It's a day three after that horrible seizure of his, he has the drainage tube sticking from his flank and he's mostly sleeping. When he's awake, he barely recognizes me. I can't go to him now and ask which model of shower head he would find the most handy.I'll let the guys decide. Tom told me they have experience of renovations like this. I'm sure they know what kind of head is the easiest to grab and hold onto.
13th April
We had an argument today. I feel horrible.Jen and I — we're not fighters. We just aren't. Jen is far too negotiative, and I'm simply such a wuss that I cry over every little thing. But today, I just saw red, and I said things I never should have. I blamed Jen for things I never should have. He's recovering of stuff that could have killed him, for fuckssake, and I go and blame him over his attitude? He has the most excruciating pain day in and day out, and I tell him that he should be thinking other peoples' feelings too?I'm such a prick. End of discussion.I don't know if I dare to go back to hospital after this.
17th April
Me and Sarah did this exercise called "A safe place". It's something that could help me when I feel overwhelmed or panicky, she said. Luckily, my panic attacks haven't come back. I've had just a couple of them at the hospital and maybe two or three at home. That's what we need alright, my panic disorder flaring up.
20th April
Today, I visited the local burn injury organization. People were so nice in there, and there are masses of happenings every week. Support groups, picnics, lectures, visits to different places, panel discussions.I ponder if I should join the group for the spouses. Sometime a bit later, when Jen will need me a little less to be on his side at home. That will be my priority one. How to make Jen feel supported and comfortable.I'm going to need so much help with it.
22th April
First meeting of a spouse group Sarah proposed to me was today. She heard my plan and told me that I don't need to wait for present group, that there are also groups that gather in Google Meet or Teams. It was a good thing, I suppose. It didn't get me out of the house, but it was good to see other people. And doing some venting as Sarah calls it.The people were nice. There was a short lecture and after that a discussion. Anyone could share their thoughts freely. There was apparently some kind of series going, about emotions, and today's topic was anger. It stirred a lot of discussion, and so many of the spouses shared how angry they are for what has happened to their loved one. I guess it makes sense. Everything changes. Everything becomes hard or even impossible. Everything has to be thought all new.I don't know if I'm angry. I mean, yeah, I hope any of this wouldn't have happened, of course. But I think I feel more... like sad. I'm sad to see Jen so vulnerable, in so much pain. I'm sad knowing how long road we're having ahead of us. I miss Jensen, I miss his touch, miss his sense of humor, miss his strength and wisdom.But angry? I don't know. Who I would be angry to? Me and God are not so close nowadays that I should be angry to him, and the whole explosion was accident, something that simply can happen in Jensen’s line of work.When we had just met, I was angry for a moment because I had just found a perfect boyfriend and then he had to have chosen a job that could kill him. But I let things proceed, and I chose him in spite of his line of work. If I were angry at someone, does it mean that I should be angry at myself then? 24th April Jensen will come home.We have got so many information booklets that I need a folder to carry them all. I don't think that I remember half of the things I've heard. I've never placed orders as big as I have now. I have no idea where we will put all that stuff that's going to come to our home during the next week.It doesn’t matter. I'm getting him home.Finally.I can't wait.
28th April, Burn Unit 2, Fire Day + 87
Nicki's smile is radiant as she pushes Jensen’s walk-aid closer to the bed.-We have the protocol of wheelchairs when patients leave the hospital, but if you tell no-one, we can change to this when we step into the lobby, she whispers with a wink.Jensen flashes her a smile, his patented million watt one that has done a slow comeback when the days have been getting closer to his homecoming. He's wearing sweats, the softest and most comfortable Jared could find from the little sports shop nearby, and he has his own, worn and torn sneakers with the laces open and the shoes itselves stretched as wide as possible not to cause Jen the slightest discomfort.When he stands up with Michelle and Lisa's help, Jared holds his breath, almost feeling the strain of slow movements in his own body.-I've got everything here, Jen, he says. -Two duffels and a trolley. Your new stuff is in the trolley. Jen nods, strained, his concentration in his movements. Jared doesn’t think anything about it — it's a given, knowing that Jensen will have his first outing in months if the short dates on the ward balcony aren't counted.Most of Jensen’s stuff is coming later straight to their home by cargo. Masses of lotions, ointments, bandages, bed protection pads, disposable sheets ... All of it won't simply fit into a bag or two. In the duffel Jared carries there's not much else but Jen's tension garments, his silver cream, a selection of pain killers and his brand new nebulizer. That will help them through the first 24 hours at home, hopefully.At home. Jared still has difficulties to believe it. Their home will be theirs again, at last. Not the cold, echoing cave of full of their memories but no promise of the future. Now, from this day on, the hope and the future will move back in with Jensen’s return, one piece at a time.-Come on, babe, Jared says gently, taking his hand on Jensen's arm. Briefly, just a short sign of support. -We're going home.They walk slowly, Jensen taking breaks to gather his breath between every third step, but that doesn’t bother anyone. There are the hospital personnel who have taken care of Jensen, gathered to the both sides of the hall as they walk forward. In the end of the hall, there are Danneel and dr. Novak.-All the best, Jensen, Danneel says, warmly, her eyes shining with softness. Jared has to swallow the sudden emotion clogging his throat when Jensen and his first nurse hug gingerly. It was a feat to get Danneel here, between her working hours and all, but they made it happen, and seeing Jen's shiny eyes makes Jared feel that it was worth it.Dr. Novak's goodbye is much more reserved, but he has a smile on his face as he gives his hand to Jensen.-We'll see in a week, Mr. Ackles, he says. -Then you'll be my outpatient. I'm happy to call you that.-Likewise, doc, Jensen says. -The pleasure is all mine.Then, the door opens, Jen is helped into a wheelchair and Jared takes the handles.-Ready to go? He whispers into Jensen's ear, and they both know he's speaking of so much more than a trip back home. — -No wheelchair. I’ll go with walk-aid.Jared relents, stepping away from the wheelchair he has already assembled ready on their home walkway and taking the walk-aid instead. He sees Jensen looking at some teenagers playing around with a basketball some ten meters away from them at the parking place. His heart aches as he sees the insecurity on his husband’s eyes, the feeling Jensen tries to conceal for sure.He remembers dr. Balaban’s words though. There are many steps to take, and Jensen needs to take them himself. What Jared can do is stand by him, be ready for him to lean on.-Here, babe. Jared takes the walk-aid close to the open shotgun door, smiling at his husband. -Lean on me if you need to.Jensen nods absently, his hands already looking for a leverage from the door edges. He takes the grip, gulps a mouthful of air and pushes himself upwards. His muscles tremble, but he gets himself up, and it’s not until he’s almost regained his balance against the walk-aid when he sways slightly and Jared takes his arm.-Well done, Jared praises softly, knowing that Jensen doesn't want anyone to hear him say that. -I’ll take the wheelchair and all the bags. You take care of yourself.Jensen nods, his eyes deep in concentration as he pushes the walk-aid into motion. Jared follows him meticulously, and when he is sure Jensen won’t trip down, he turns to take the bags and load them into an empty wheelchair.Jensen is already moving forward when Jared comes back to him, one jerky step after another, stopping to take a breather between two or three.-That’s good, Jared says softly. -Remember that there is the sitting board too. We can take a proper break if you want to.He stays right beside Jensen when they move forward, slower than they never have before. The guys with the basketball stop to look at them, and Jared sees that Jensen notices it, his jaws clenching as he goes on. The form the boys see is so different from the earlier, tanned and muscular firefighter on his way for a jog or a nearby gym.But Jared knows that inside Jensen is so much more of a man than he ever was before, no matter how he looks to a strange eye.-Don’t mind them, babe, Jared whispers. -They don’t know how much you have gone through. I can go and talk to them some day, if you want.Jensen stops, puffing out a mouthful of air. -It’s okay, he says softly. -You don’t have to.Jared nods, letting the subject drop. He's certain he will do what he said anyway. In fact, he should have done it already, way before Jensen’s homecoming day. -Let’s go in.His own words suddenly hit him like lightning. So mundane, so ordinary words that almost got never said. He stops, and all the sounds around them seem like coming out of a speaker. The basketball guys’ hollers to each other. The wind’s soft blow. The humming of traffic somewhere further. Some birds singing in the distance.When he turns to look at Jen, to check if his husband is ready to go on, he sees Jensen smiling at him gently.-Yeah, let’s just go in, he replies.