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Some would say that the phenomenon of locker room talk transcends race, species and sexual orientation – as some simply regard it as an unfortunate inevitable reality. Just put a congregation of men anywhere, it was bound to happen. No matter the context of the conversation at hand, the topic always somehow shifted to sexual matters. Regardless if they were metas, capes, demi-gods, or aliens – at the end of the day, males will engage in reductive and usually chauvinistic pissing contests about their sexual conquests.
In the case of the Justice League, it was no exception despite all circumstances, yet one would assume that they would be better. Maybe, it was the fact that for men with literal powers, it was somewhat difficult to discern who the strongest was without it being fatal.
Sex was often equated with power, and it came to be directly related to their own machismos. In a sense, it was their way of competing for dominance with no possible casualties, beyond bruised egos and flashes of envy.
Some of them might even consider it as something innately primal and natural, a phenomenon that doesn’t exempt the world’s best and brightest – but they all secretly knew better than this flimsy excuse. It just made them feel better about engaging in this debauchery. This was just how things were when men were left to their own devices.
In a stroke of luck, all female capes were off the watchtower, so the only heroes in attendance all happened to be men. With a new threat looming, they needed to congregate to discuss battle plans. As they finished off their meeting, a few of them decided to linger to catch up with one another beyond their mandatory meetings.
Batman, Superman, Green Lantern, Green Arrow, The Flash and Aquaman were all that remained in the sizable conference room. You could only talk so freely in the presence of other members. They all knew each other’s civilian identities so there was no tiptoeing nor mincing of words. After years of vigilantism, and working side by side, they had all managed to develop a solid friendship and build a rapport with one another.
Usually, the conversation would start with updates on their individual families, the children, some rogue gossip, and the weather and global news if the conversation was really dry. However after a few minutes of exchanging pleasantries, that when it somehow inevitably always developed into the usual locker room talk.
“Well, now we got all that boring shit out of the way.” Hank planted his ass on top of a table, much to the dismay of the others. “Let’s finally talk about something interesting.”
“We’re talking about a possible alien invasion that could eliminate 75% of the world’s population.” Batman replied with a disapproving tone.
“Give me a break, we could deal with the serious shit later.” Hal disregarded his concerns with a wave of his hand. “Besides, we all could use a minute or two to unwind, and turn off our brains.”
“The man’s got a point.” Green Arrow agreed as he made himself comfortable in his seat. “There’s no harm in taking it easy, since we already know we’re picking up the slack soon enough.”
Hal flashed them all a smug grin, “So… anyone fucked anybody, young and pretty this week?”
There was a collective groan at Green Lantern’s crass and direct words. Hal was usually the first one to bring up sex to the table, not that the others ever tried to put a genuine stop to it.
Hal took off his mask, just to show them that he had rolled his eyes, “God, I almost forgot I’m in a room full of boring middle-aged married men.”
“You’re not looking too fresh either, Jordan.” Oliver shot back at him.
“Don’t you think we’re a little too old and a little too off-the-market to be talking about pretty young things?” Barry jested trying to steer the conversation away from incoming petty squabble between the two green heroes.
“Somehow I don’t believe monogamy is very popular in this crowd.” Hal jested with a quick laugh. Suddenly, there was an awkward silence as all their past cheating transgressions were brought up. “I was kidding! We all know it was a mistake and you all love your wives, moving on – let's start with our bachelors.”
“Our resident perpetual playboy, Brucie Wayne! Care to share some tales?” Bruce shot him an unimpressed look from across the table. “You’re still in Batmode, got it.”
Hal’s gaze moved to Green Arrow, with a raised eyebrow – begging for any opening to interrogate. Oliver took off his glove, and showed his ring effectively stopping Hal in his tracks.
“What’s the point of having a bunch of billionaire playboys in one room with nothing to show for it?” Hal sulked as he crossed his arms.
“Why don’t you share your conquests first, then?” Barry asked.
“I always do, then you all shoot me with that judgemental look that makes you feel superior for a minute or two – while secretly dying from envy on the inside.” Hal smugly replied, “I just wanted to give you all a fighting chance for once.”
“Fat chance coming from a manwhore.” Oliver snorted out.
“You want to run that by us again, Star City’s former playboy?”
A frown formed on Green Arrow’s face, “There’s a difference between a playboy and a manwhore, Hal.”
“Yeah, money and age.” Hal playfully retorted back at him.
A pair of disgruntled expressions appeared on the table, yet there was a roar of laughter coming from the other members.
“Aquaman! You managed to catch some tails recently?”
Arthur looked frankly offended at Hal’s choice of words.
“Loosen up will you? It’s just us guys here, no need to be so politically correct!”
“Is that what you call it?” Arthur asked with an unimpressed grin. “Here I thought it was called being a decent human being.”
“You know I didn’t mean it like that." Hal playfully rolled his eyes to Green Arrow. "Queen, how’s the missus?”
“Dinah would kill me if she ever found out I spoke about our sex life.”
“Alright fine! Let’s not talk about spouses then." There was a momentary silence before Hal continued, "Who’s everyone's best fuck?”
Silence filled the table, yet Hal knew everyone already had their answers on the tip of their tongues if those reluctant expressions were any indicator. Here goes Hal again carrying the conversation on his back since nobody wanted to fess up first.
Hal put all his focus on Superman, “Come on, Kent. You must’ve had some wild experiences before you ended up with your old ball and chain!”
Superman shot him a suspicious look with furrow in his brow.
“Happily married ball and chain I might add!” Hal Jordan quickly placated while raising his hands up in surrender.
“Give it a rest, Hal.” Barry supplied, but was cut-off by a familiar voice. “Well…”
Suddenly all eyes turned to Superman as he spoke, “I did meet this young girl back when I was new to the city.”
“Alright! Let’s get this ball rolling!” Hal cheered.
“She…” Clark’s face reddened as he coughed through his bashfulness, “taught me everything I needed to know.”
“I knew it!” Hal cheered out loud. His mirth was infectious. Now everybody had been riled up with excitement.
“This was way before I met Lois.” Clark quickly added. “Just to be clear.”
“Well, don’t spare us any details now.” Everybody seemed to have their full attention on Clark.
“She was a first year medical student from Gotham actually.” The red on his ears seemed to intensify as he spoke. “She was an amazing lover and mentor – very patient with my size and predicament.”
"Nice one, Big Guy." Hal winked at Clark's subtle flex and implication. "Showed her all that Kryptonian biological superiority, huh?"
Clark's face reddened as everybody waited on baited breath for him to continue, "It was quite unfortunate since she had to move back to Gotham, so nothing really came out of it."
“That’s it?!” Barry questioned in the absence of any of the juicy details.
“Well, speaking of first year medical students from Gotham, I hooked up with this chick once.” Hal supplied as he regaled his friends with his tale. “She was in town for this medical conference. God, she had the tightest pussy I’ve ever had – even got me thinking of monogamy for a few minutes. Too bad, she left before I could get her number.”
“Hal Jordan getting pumped and dumped, and coming back for seconds? Now that’s a first.” Oliver joked which led to a roar of laughter.
“I caught a girl from Gotham once, only had to pardon a speeding ticket once in my career if you get my gist.” Barry looked above as he was imagining the scenario. “Boy, she sure had a mouth on her.”
“Speeding ticket? Aren’t you a forensic chemist?” Clark asked, confused by the details of Barry’s story.
But before Barry could provide a logical explanation, Oliver cut in with a quip, “I’m sure that was the best five minutes of your life, Allen.”
“That’s so funny, it’s your turn, sharpshooter – or are you too whipped to even remember good sex at this point?” The Flash shot back.
“May I remind you who I was before I met my beautiful and perfect wife? God, I was even worse than Hal and Bruce combined.” A smug grin formed on Oliver’s face. “Now, I don’t know what the hell they put in the water in Gotham." Oliver turned to look at Bruce directly, “but Goddamn, your women are batshit crazy.”
“There was this young girl with light brown hair that could take dick like a champ. Not the biggest tits, but boy, were they a sight to behold.” He continued, “I could feel myself getting chub just thinking about it. She sure showed me that good old Gotham hospitality.”
“I may have fooled around with a medical student or two.” A deep voice supplied as they all turned to look at Batman. “What? Brucie was just quizzing them on their knowledge of biology.”
“There’s our beloved Brucie!” Oliver hollered.
“I, too, had relations with a female from Gotham.” Arthur finally joined in the conversation. “She had thought I was drowning, and she wanted to help me out.”
“Please don’t tell me you did it at the beach.” Barry groaned out.
“I will not continue to tell you then.” Arthur succinctly responded, which resulted in amusement from the rest of the table.
“It’s crazy that we all definitely fucked some Gothamite medical student right?” Oliver clarified.
A Cheshire smug grin formed on Hal Jordan’s mouth, “What are the chances of us fucking the same girl?”
The Flash gave him a disgusted look, as if he was completely repulsed with the thought of entering the same space as Hal Jordan’s community dick, “Don’t be fucking gross, Hal.”
“First of all, fuck you.” Hal flipped off Barry with a green middle finger. “Second, actually hear me out, she had light brown hair and was a medical student right?”
“She had the most beautiful blue eyes for me.” Clark announced.
“Same as my lady.” Arthur supplied.
“Holy shit, mine too!”
“Don’t be ridiculous, we all fucked her in different years, so it doesn’t add up.” Oliver shot down their conspiracies.
“If Clark met her when he first moved to Metropolis, then I’m assuming she was around his age?” Barry asked.
“She was slightly younger if I remember correctly, but that was nearly a decade ago.” Clark answered with a frown.
“I just fucked her a few years ago, and trust me, my chick is nowhere near middle age.” Hal commented.
“You can’t be a medical student for that long.” Oliver pointed out, growing tired of this ridiculousness.
“Does everyone know her name?” Bruce asked. The consequent beat of silence was an answer in itself.
“In the count of three, we all say her name. One… Two.. Three…”
“Caroline!” they also simultaneously voiced out.
They all looked at each other with baffled expressions, as realization sunk in – they all fucked the same girl.
“Damn, we got a certified herofucker, boys!” Hal hollered out as he celebrated the fact that he fucked the same chick as the rest of the capes – his newly found long-lost hole brothers.
“This couldn’t have been a coincidence.” Clark stated with a baffled tone.
“Does it matter? I haven’t seen her for so long, and the timelines don't really match up.” Barry answered.
“That’s one lucky girl to run through the Justice League.” Oliver whistled as he leaned against his chair.
“Do you think she’s a rogue?” Clark asked, uncertain.
“Nah, what advantage does she have over us? Aside from getting dicked down by the Justice League, of course.” Oliver nonchalantly replied.
“She didn’t fuck the Justice League, she fucked a journalist, two billionaires, a fighter pilot, a forensic chemist, and a…” Hal turned to look at Arthur.
“Lighthouse keeper.” Arthur replied.
“Right.” Hal continued, “See, she couldn’t have known that all the men that she was sleeping with happened to be capes.”
“I did meet her way before I completely established Superman.” Clark added.
“See, you guys are worrying about nothing.” Hal brushed them off as crossed his arms behind his head. “She’s probably just a girl that got around.”
“Let’s not go there, Hal.”
“I’m just saying, let’s call a spade a spade, she’s a slut, I’m a manwhore. A match made in heaven.” Hal tried to jest.
There was some scattered laughter around the table. However, there was still a lingering uncomfortable tension in the air.
Deciding to lighten up the mood, Hal asked, “Say Clark, do you think you could find our dear Caroline?”
“Excuse me?”
“You’re all thinking it, and I want to know who’s the best fuck out of all of us!”
“Don’t be ridiculous, Hal.” Clark sighed. “She’s probably settled down with a few kids of her own.”
“You think one of us made her a single mother?”
There was a beat of silence as all the men looked at each other. It might’ve been a joke but they could all see the color drain out of their faces. “That was obviously a joke, c’mon!”
“This is wrong, that’s an innocent civilian’s life that we’re tampering with.” Oliver stated.
“Just admit that you don’t want to find her since you know you’re going to be bottom of that list, Queen.”
“Go to hell!”
“You just want find her since you want to fuck her again.”
“Hell yeah, I do! Best sex of my life, I’m not letting that go ever again.” Hal proudly proclaimed as he flashed them a puffed up smile. “Having second thoughts about your marriages now, huh?”
“What’s your plan here, Jordan? Oliver shot him a disappointed look, “Seriously ask a random civilian who was the best fuck she had over the span of years?
“Humble yourselves, she probably doesn’t even remember some assholes that she fucked all those years ago.” Barry added.
“Yeah, and? We’ll just have to properly reacquaint ourselves with her, then she'll finally settle the score.” Hal shot Clark an exaggerated wink, “What do you say, Kent? Can we finally find out which cape is best in bed?”
“Hal, I’m happily married.” Clark reasoned out.
“C’mon, this is a once in a lifetime opportunity, there’s an actual chick out there who managed to sleep with every single one of us before we were officially locked down. She holds the key to this secret knowledge that she only knows.”
All of them knew that Hal was just kidding around, but they also knew in the back of their heads that they wanted to know. Blame it on their machismos, but they might never have this opportunity again. It’s not like they could sleep with the same person, when most of them were in happy committed relationships.
“You need to stop, I understand reminiscing, but to actually act on it now, is distasteful, even for you, Hal.” Clark sternly replied.
“Bruce, you’re oddly quiet.” All eyes turned to Bruce, “I’m sure you fucked your way throughout Gotham, do you think you also had an encounter with this infamous Caroline?”
Not that Bruce will ever admit it, but he had begun the search for this elusive Caroline years ago. They had met when Bruce had stumbled into a drunken stupor while in a gala supporting the local Gotham General Hospital. This was during his earliest days as the Batman, so maybe, it was due to his injuries – why he had felt the need to find himself in the bottom of a bottle that night.
As Bruce drank himself to oblivion, he had found himself in the comforting arms of a young woman in scrubs away from the party. She had introduced herself as Caroline Hill, a first-year medical student at Gotham General Hospital.
She had kept him away from the limelight as he sobered up in one of the backrooms of the hospital. There was a warmth and kindness about her that intrigued Bruce, but due to this inebriated state, all he could focus on was her stunning face and the soft swell on her chest.
Bruce clearly remembered what he had replied to her, “Thank you for taking care of me, Cathy.” Purposely using the wrong name to sever any possible connection, “Are you up to date with your knowledge in biology?” Bruce knew it was a low-hanging fruit, but he decided to take it. He knew what being his sleazy playboy persona led to.
He couldn’t control himself, and found pleasure in her body – something that she reciprocated vigorously. Contrary to popular belief, Bruce disliked having sex in public places. He liked to take his time to devour the meal that had been set in front of him, and the few partners that ended up in his bedroom knew exactly how different Bruce could be in a proper setting.
However, he found himself extremely aroused and ravenous at the prospect of bedding this young woman, regardless of setting. As he lost himself to the sheer pleasure of the warm cunt that he was in, and the comforting kisses she had supplied – he knew that this was a sexual encounter, he will never forget.
As they both reached completion, both fucked out of their minds. They awkwardly started to dress up, and try to make themselves look presentable as they had to go back in public.
Bruce hated this part of hooking up with strangers, the silence after the deed was done. It was always awkward saying goodbye without looking like a total asshole. He had gotten his dick wet, now he wanted out, just like a typical playboy. However, he needed to leave to start his patrol. Usually, to remedy this, he would offer something expensive to his lover to soften the blow, but before he could decide on an appropriate parting gift, her figure made her way to the door.
“Get home safe, Mr. Wayne. This city needs you.” She said as if she knew the heavy burden that Bruce had to endure every night as she stepped out of the room – effectively leaving Bruce’s life forever.
Bruce never did find Caroline Hill after that fateful day, despite all his resources. It wasn’t until years later where he had stumbled on an old obituary of one Caroline Hill after Timothy was done using the Bat-Computer. There were only some sparse details, but everything seemed to line up – a top-notcher medical student who ended up as a casualty in a rogue attack years ago.
Suddenly, his heart sank as he tried to process why he was so affected by the death of a random woman he had bedded. It wasn’t like he had formed a deep connection with her, or knew her beyond her name and her random act of kindness – something that Bruce Wayne failed to reciprocate aside from carnally enjoying her body. A multitude of thoughts ran through Bruce’s mind – did she resent him? Could he have saved her from being a casualty if he didn’t let her go that night? Was her hope crushed by this act of a selfish man?
He couldn’t even find solace in this shallow conversation, a painful reminder of a woman that he used to know. They were supposed to be the pillars of hope and justice, yet at the end of the day, they were mere men faced with the seduction of temptation. Bruce knew that capes, despite all their powers, were never invincible. He knew that he needed to shut down this conversation, fast. “No.”
“I thought you said you hooked up with a medical student named Caroline.” Hal interrogated.
“Forgive me if I never did get her name since we were too preoccupied doing something else.” Bruce quickly replied.
“Yeah, come to think of it, maybe I was wrong about her eye color too, since I was too busy enjoying her ass.” Oliver supplied, not wanting to be bested by his billionaire rival. What type of man notices small details when faced by the consuming pleasures of sex? Clearly somebody who isn’t good at sex.
And just like that, all their interests in Caroline dissipated in an effort to uplift their own skills. Rather as beautiful Caroline, the medical student from Gotham who might’ve gotten around, she was reduced back as exclusively the best fuck of their lives.
“Whatever, she’s probably still out there, and I envy the man that comes home to that.” Hal pouted, knowing that the momentum of the conversation had ended.
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“Are you really okay with one of your kids doing a honeypot mission, Bats?” Oliver asked as the rest of the Justice League waited on bated breath of the arrival of one of Batman’s robins.
“Unfortunately, the target’s tastes run a little… young.” Batman explained, “However I am confident in his capabilities.”
“That means we’re getting the pretty bird, right?” Hal shamelessly asked as he nudged the man with his elbow. Bruce only responded with a scathing look behind his cowl. “I sure hope you’re not talking about my Timothy, who may I remind you is barely legal.”
“Notice how I didn’t say any names, yet he immediately thought of one of his robins.” Hal smugly announced to the rest of the table.
“Bruce! You’re a father, you can’t pick favorites!” Oliver playfully chided him on. “Although, I can’t blame you, Red Robin is a sweet little thing.”
“Bruce is too busy playing with his Dick to appreciate his pretty bird.” Barry added which resulted in some laughter. At that very moment, somebody had entered the room, which caused all the noise to die down.
“Great, Red Robin, you’ve already come in disguise.” Wonder Woman announced the new presence in the room.
“Sorry, it took me a while, I haven’t done this in a hot minute.” A high pitched feminine voice answered.
Suddenly a sight of light fawn colored hair and bright blue eyes appeared through the doorway, accompanied by a familiar sight of Gotham General hospital scrubs – it was their Caroline Hill in the flesh. Here was Batman’s barely legal robin who looked exactly like the girl of their wet dreams – their collective best sexual conquest’s identity was finally revealed.
In turn, there was now a row of baffled familiar faces, especially Bruce’s, as if they all found out something that they should have never had.
“What’s with the reaction?” Diana scanned all their faces, “I know Timothy cleans up pretty well, but this is ridiculous.”
Clark couldn’t stop himself from uttering, “C-caroline?”
Those familiar piercing blue eyes now looked directly at Clark, just like all those years ago.
“How did you know Tim’s codename? We haven’t started the brief.” Diana asked, clearly baffled at this interaction.
“Oh God.” Tim whispered to himself, but audible enough for everybody in the room to hear.
It seemed like Caroline Hill won’t be just a fleeting memory after all.