Work Text
Dear Jaeyoon,
10:00 A.M. — Later today, I’m going to meet with you at Youngbin's bakery. How I have longed to see you, to share the same space as you, even though it's only been a few days since you had gone away to see family. I miss the flower’s bloom and the never-ending sunshine of your eyes as they crinkle at the corners along with your smile.
We briefly talked about what we'll get at the bakery, but at the moment, neither of us know what kind of pastry we’ll get once we're actually there, but with you, that has never mattered. As long as we're together, we enjoy everything and anything. And occasionally, share a mutual disgust.I remember one time, Inseong burned his pancakes. You kept insisting they were going to be fine, that it'll simply just be an extra crunch and toasted flavor. I kept telling you they were going to taste BURNT, and what did you say:“It's fiiiine.”
Well, guess who also gagged, hollowed out his cheeks, and coughed out the crisped charcoal of a failed pancake. Which led to a defeated sigh from Inseong. Should've listened to me. Hmph.
3:45 P.M. — I’m here now, at Youngbin's bakery, after taking a taxi to get here. After all, I've yet to get past my stubbornness to drive. (Inseong tells me it's useful, but I've seen too many accidents - and heard of accidents - and I'd rather not learn!)
I have a hunch you're already here, feeling your eyes as I wander down the aisles of deliciously displayed pastries, from rice cakes, pressed cookies, red bean mochi and so much more. I wonder what you plan on getting this time, I'm never able to guess correctly.
You often beat me to places we hang out at, sometimes tease me about it too. But whenever I was early, ooh, that was the most fun for me—Ah. That's the sound of your melodic voice I hear.
7:35 P.M. — You were smiling when you met my eyes through the display case of the fish-shaped pastries. There was that twinkle I missed getting lost in. I wouldn't need to go to outer space with you at my side.
You surprised me today. You got a walnut cookie, which you had once said you were scared to taste because… “what if a walnut gets stuck in my throat?”
“But Jae,” I had told you, “it's already baked into the cookie…”
“Well!” You cleared your throat, sitting straight as ever. “You never know.” Your eyes had met mine.
Youngbin laughed at you that day. Not in a condescending way, but simply his “really?” kind of laugh. And you just glared at him, with that little pout.
Do you remember that day?
To be honest, I've been wanting to get a new job. I might ask Youngbin if I can work there for the meantime. Learn to bake. I know he's always bringing in new recipes whenever his workers are in, pitching stuff to him, so maybe I can learn a thing or two.Bake you something you'll love.
8:37 P.M. — I can hear the sound of water running from down the hall. I thought you were going to take a short nap, but I suppose you decided to shower first. I can imagine how tiresome, hot even, the trip back must've been, even more since we had a little date before you settled at home. I did think I saw some sweat dripping down the side of your forehead earlier.
But you kept on smiling at me, never switching to a frown or a grunt or any discomfort.
I always find myself smiling with you.
With love and ready to snuggle,Chanhee
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
Dear Jaeyoon,
9:47 A.M. — It hasn't even been two days since your return, and work has already pulled at your strings and tore you away from my embrace. I feel sluggish, all alone in this house of ours. This house called home. Our home.
We bought this two years ago, do you remember that?
We had been dating for two years then, and you said it was time to take it up a notch to see where things would go. And I agreed.
11:05 A.M. — I can't stop thinking about the first moment I realized I had feelings for you.
I found love within your gaze, upon the moment the sun dipped its rays into your irises and made it honey-like. We had been sitting outside a cafe, catching up on what had been going on with our lives since we had a slight drift. As everyone else in the friend group did. (Well, I guess not everyone. We had our little cliques: you, Youngbin, and Inseong; Juho, Sanghyuk, and Seokwoo; Taeyang, Youngkyun, and I.)
I remember placing my right palm on the table while my chin was propped on my left. I can faintly remember the sounds of the city of that day: the numerous car beeps of impatient drivers. The chirping of birds who flew from tree to tree, nestling soon in their nests and gossiped with their families. The voices of people—jumbled up nonsense. And the sound of your laugh.
And that's, that's when I felt your gentle graze against my hand, your thumb softly resting on mine. And I faced you, Jaeyoon. And that's when I melted at the sight of your smile, feeling the blood rush to the shell of my ears. Which you just had to point out!
"Wait… are you getting embarrassed right now?” You asked me.
“Wh- no! It's just hot!” I scoffed, furrowing my eyebrows. I had tried to yank my hand away from yours, but your fingers curled around it, keeping it in place.
"Is your hand smaller than mine?”
We compared hand sizes… you were right. And before we parted ways that day, you gave me a hug, your lips slightly brushing by my ear as you whispered, “Your hands fit perfectly against my own…”
Just thinking about it. Jaeyoon, the hold you have on me. You, you have no idea.
I can't even hold this pencil right without the need to let it drop to cower behind my hands, conceal my reddening cheeks. Ahh!
1:01 P.M. — I'll be pleased to inform you that, ahem, I have calmed down. I wonder when you first realized you liked me. I know you've told me, my memory is just not the brightest. And I know you'll fight with me on this! I just happen to remember at the most spontaneous of times. Oh! You texted me asking me what I ate for lunch!
1:37 P.M. — I really have to get around to asking Youngbin for a part time job for the time being. I may be going a little insane moving around our home. It'd do me good having some time outside of the house too.
I was happy to hear how much you missed my food, how your heart was so full and content with how much you ate and savored.
I missed making lunch for you, too. But if I get a job, I'd have to make lunch for the two of us! Unless… I make yours, and you make mine?Oh! That's Seokwoo calling…
4:52 P.M. — I went out for a few hours. Seokwoo is having a little trouble with Juho lately, which I had hoped would've been sorted out, but the acquaintance isn't being helpful.I'm not sure if you've been in the loop, but Seokwoo and Juho have been having a little miscommunication. This being because Juho has feelings for him, and Seokwoo - who likes him back - had a little incident where an acquaintance edited his little recital… or his practice of how he'd tell Juho he felt the same.
You're probably wondering what I mean by edited. I'll tell you later tonight once you're home, Jae.
5:57 P.M. — Shit! I took a nap when I'm supposed to be heating up yesterday's leftovers for our dinner. I hope you won't mind partially cold potatoes? Kidding! Kidding!
I love you,Chanhee
P.S. I hope you're bringing ice cream like you said you would… it's on sight if you don't! Just kidding… it'll be okay! Or will it…
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
Dear Jaeyoon,
9:06 A.M. — You woke me with your soft lips trailing along my skin, pressing little kisses in multitude along my cheek and down to my jaw. Even one against my neck, which caused me to pry my eyes open and jolt awake. You teased my breathless whine, simply kissing my lips so I wouldn’t protest for being awake. I wanted to keep sleeping, you know how much I love my sleep, but it’s okay. I forgive you. I always do.
Today is your off day, and you were like a puppy with eyes so wide, a smile so big. I couldn’t help but sigh, resign from my sleepy state, and laugh a little. So I asked you, “why’d you wake me?”
You made me breakfast.
But also, you tend to sleep in on your off-days.
I tried to recall if it was our anniversary, or if our anniversary was near at all. And it was not, so I wonder if you simply wanted to wake up - to not mess up your body’s sleep schedule. I just hope it’s that. (Even though I could see the gloominess lingering in your eyes, darkened circles pressed below your eyes. Are you sleeping okay?)
I already told you this after we ate, but your cooking is delicious. I missed it, probably because I cook more these days.
10:27 A.M. — I forgot what I was going to note down specifically, but Seokwoo is calling.
10:31 A.M. — Writing while I have Seokwoo on the phone. I remembered I was going to tell you that I messaged Youngbin about a job at his bakery as I apply for places, and I start next Tuesday! Look at me! A baker! (I know I’m not one yet… silence. I can already envision that side glance you’re going to give me…)
10:38 A.M. — From the tea I’m gathering from Seokwoo: he confronted his acquaintance and told him how it’s his fault it ended like this. His acquaintance said it was purposeful because he doesn’t want Seokwoo with Juho. But! Seokwoo slapped him! And told him not to contact him anymore! Getting rid of the trash, hell yeah! Never liked that guy anyway.
But anyway, he says he’s feeling calmer, and he arranged a little hang out at a park with Juho, who agreed because he felt better too. They’re meeting in three days since Juho’s currently having a road trip with Taeyang and Sanghyuk - Younkgyun was moping about it since he couldn’t go. (Damn, no invite?? Kidding! Wait, can we have a road trip soon? Just us two? Whenever you get vacation days?)
12:08 P.M. — I went to the park since Inseong invited you out. It has been awhile since you guys hung out, I didn’t realize it had been that long. I invited Youngkyun since he’s alone at his place, simply counting down the days for Taeyang to come back home.
I’m sitting on a picnic table right now, but I’m starting to regret it. I see a gang of ants to my left getting in formation. I think they’re declaring war on me as we speak…
12:19 P.M. — You did not just send me that selfie!!
12:21 P.M. — Youngkyun is here now, so I’m going to end my letter here. I can’t wait to see you later!! And hear about your adventures with Inseong!
I’m still craving that ice cream,
Chanhee
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
Dear Jaeyoon,
3:00 A.M. — You’re starting to worry about me after you woke me up at 2:30 A.M., going crazy about how you’re going to be late for work.Please let me know what’s wrong. (You didn’t address my questions of concern from the previous letter, I just want to know if you’re okay. What’s keeping you up at night?)
I’m currently at your side on your bed. We have our rule, but for you, I’d break them all to be at your side any chance I have. Just please remember, you have me.
8:37 A.M. — You left for work without a kiss goodbye, leaving me peacefully asleep on your bed. I wanted to make you breakfast, but I saw your dirty dishes tossed in the sink, a small coffee spill on the counter. You woke up late. I usually have an alarm to wake you up, which I use to wake you up. (Yes, I love my sleep, but for you, I get up in the morning to bid you goodbye and make sure you eat enough to start your day.)
Did you turn off my alarm?
9:29 A.M. — I told you I was starting on Tuesday at Youngbin’s, but he called me and told me I can start today at 10! I’m excited. I hope this lessens some of your stress when it comes to bills and all that because I really do want to help you with anything I can.
12:01 P.M. — I got a little fifteen minute break, and man, I didn’t realize how busy a bakery can be. I’m on dough duty, which is exactly what it is - no other task to it. Apparently it’s the easiest. Definitely the toughest on my hands and arms though cause jeez! It’s a workout.
I haven’t worked out in awhile, I realize. I want to get back to it.
I remember that’s one of the first few activities we did when we started reconnecting again. We would hit the gym together, being each other’s buddies. Ah… thinking about it is reminding me of that one time…
I wonder if you remember it. If you don’t, then I’ll write a little bit to jog your memory…
We were in the showers, just us. We were like the only ones left at the gym too.
The water ran along my body, taking down the sweat from how much we had worked out. My hair had completely flattened, so I was about to run my hand through it to slick it back, I heard the curtain behind me swish and close.
And of course, I faced back quickly, my breath trapped as I had met eyes with you.
Let’s see if you remember the aftermath, silly.
Ah, I need to eat my lunch, I have 7 minutes left. I spent so long thinking how or what to even write regarding that memory, aah. I made myself a nice egg sandwich for lunch and packed some fruit and veggies, too. I wonder if you made yourself lunch… I hope you did.
I’ll write to you later.
5:28 P.M. — In the bathroom, and man! I am pooped. (Not literally… crap, wait- y’know what! Moving on!) My arms are starting to feel so stiff, I definitely think this is a sign to work out again. I feel myself out of shape, especially at the arms since I hardly use them now. I have to say though, I like this job. Sure, I may not be a manager like Youngbin - which I have to say, he is so sweet and helpful to his employees. I can see the joy he has while working alongside them and creating a comfortable environment.
I want to be like Youngbin when I’m old like him- wait, did I just indirectly call you old… since you’re around his age. Shoot! Uhm. Disregard! I can’t erase it because I need to get out of the stall now, aah.
6:01 P.M. — Was that you who called Youngbin? It sounded like your voice.
7:59 P.M. — Youngbin’s giving me a ride home. He’s giving me a side eye as I clutch this notebook close to me to try to write coherently as the car moves. I have to admit, being a baker is busy work, but I like the sense of community that Youngbin has created in this little, cozy shop. I know I said it’d be temporary as I applied to other places, but a part of me wants to stay here.
The pay is actually pretty decent, and it goes up depending on how long I work here. And I already get along really well with the other people who work here! I owe it to Youngbin really. He mentored me with every little bit, and then his main helper also helped me adjust and learn. Tomorrow, I’m on decorating duty too. I feel that’s going to be hard, messy too. But I’ll put my all into it.
Youngbin says hi. He said I might as well include his greeting if I’m writing about him. Silly Bin.
You already got out of work. Since like, two hours ago. I wonder if you had lunch. You didn’t answer my message, yet you called Youngbin… I’ll have to ask you tonight unless you tell me before I ask you. I wonder if you’ve made dinner… or brought me the ice cream for that matter. (Although I can probably buy it myself, so don’t stress out about it too much, Jae.)
Can’t wait to see you. I’m going to stop writing since it’s hard to do so in a moving car, ack!
Starting to feel hungry and missing you,
Chanhee
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
Dear Jaeyoon,
2:06 A.M. — You woke me an hour ago as you opened the door to my bedroom. No, you weren’t being sneaky. That door creak is no joke! (And also, I was just starting to fall asleep… so, uhm, oopsie? I really need to sleep earlier now that I have a job… don’t tell Bin I was awake, please.)
I have you here at my side with your face tucked into the crook of my neck, so it's kind of awkward the way I'm managing to write, but it's no big deal. Your eyes were all puffed, stress straining at your gaze. I'm getting worried by the day, Jae. I'd be lying if I said I thought you returned in tip-top shape. What's going on? Talk to me… please?
You're stirring slightly in your sleep, so I think that's my cue to stop writing and sleep myself. To snuggle you as close as I can- oh, that's your hand gripping my waist, tugging me closer. Oh, man. You have no idea how you make me feel.
9:37 A.M. — You took the day off today, and it pains me to leave you all alone in our home. I trust you'll sleep in, but you're an unpredictable one since you were already sliding down your finger against the countertops to show off the dust that plastered onto your skin.
You made breakfast for me, protesting against my own cooking when I was already prepping. You grabbed me by the shoulders and dragged me to the table to take a seat.You said, and I quote, “Not happening today! You shall be fed by,” pointing the spatula at yourself, “me.”
And you skipped away to the stove.
You're cute. You know that? (You're going to fight me on this and say my cheeks are so squeezable even though I think yours are more. You dote on me a lot, but I think I dote on you just as much.)You know, every time I look at you, I just sigh. Not in a disappointing type of way, but all my mind thinks is “I love you.”
11:09 A.M. — It's so slow at work today. Youngkyun stopped by since he wants to get a pastry for Taeyang when he returns from his road trip tomorrow. That reminds me Juho and Seokwoo will be having their meetup soon. Oh boy. I really hope it goes well for them.
Youngkyun dragged me all throughout the shop, which Youngbin facepalmed and laughed at. He just wanted an opinion on all the desserts to know which he should pick for Taeyang.To which I said, “Just get him his favorite.”
And he looked at me as if I had said the most groundbreaking thing, his eyes wide as if he had seen a ghost. “Why didn't I think of that sooner!” He grinned so wide. “You're a genius.”
I facepalmed.
Now I know how the two of us must've looked to Youngbin. Maybe.
12:59 P.M — I wonder what you're up to. I wonder if you've decided to crawl back into bed and sprawl yourself against the disheveled bed sheets, letting out a yawn or a moan as you succumb to your exhaustion. Or, if you decided to do housework and drag your body across the entire house with whichever cleaning tool you so desire to use. I wonder if I'll come home to a squeaky clean house, or if I'll come to you having made dinner after a nap. I wonder what we'll have for dinner, now that I think about it.
1:06 P.M. — As I said, it's very slow today. I bet it's because of the rain. I do suppose it was pretty cloudy when I clocked in earlier after you dropped me off, but I didn't think it'd actually pour. There's not a singular ounce of sunshine cracking through the clouds. Pitch dark as it pours.
As long as there's no thunder… I'll be okay.
I'm currently eating my lunch, sitting by the window. Youngbin's sitting across me, and again, he says hi.
Youngbin told me how this lady asked for his number while he was grocery shopping yesterday. It fascinates me how people find such courage to go up to a person you may not know and ask for their number. I'd get uncomfortable with that, but… I guess I can understand it too if you find the person really attractive.
He was telling me how he got really awkward and laughed it off, telling her how he's not interested in a relationship right now. She got so embarrassed and ran off. Personally, I would've just said I was dating someone, but you know Youngbin… he finds it hard to lie.
Oh- that was lightning. Great! Uhm!
3:22 P.M. — We're closing shop early. The weather isn't good. We only had Youngkyun come in when it wasn't this bad and we had like one other person come in as well. Man, the forecast didn't say anything about the weather getting like this. Is it just as bad over there?
Youngbin may drive me home, and he'll probably have to stay over for the night. I'll text you soon… writing this as a reminder for myself.
5:00 P.M. — You and Youngbin are just cackling away in the kitchen as you guys cook dinner. I wanted to help too, but you simply booped my nose and smiled, telling me to take a break since I'm the one who cooks the most out of the two of us.
I don't know why the boop made me so flustered. Lately, it's been so… I don't even know how to describe it… with you. Like, we've been together for so long already, yet my heart's racing and the butterflies are fluttering. I just keep falling for you more and more.
My hand’s getting tired, will continue tomorrow,Chanhee
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
Dear Jaeyoon,6:00 A.M — You're curled up on your side, your back pressed along my own. You had snuck into my bed sheets around 3:36, tugging the back of my tank top. Pulling me into your arms, wrapping them tightly - not that tight - around my waist.
I felt your nose nuzzle against the back of my neck, your sharp inhale. Your lips brushing along my skin. Your little hum of exhaustion.
You're not one to break our rules so much. I wonder what's different. You answered one of my questions, telling me you're just having some trouble sleeping, but I don't buy it.
I found a doctor's note, but you yoinked it out of my hand before I could even properly read it. Please don't keep me in the dark, my love.
I keep glancing over at you. Watching the way your chest rises and falls. Such deep breaths. Your lips slightly parted as you breathe out with every exhale. I just, want to kiss you. But I won't. Not now. Not while you're asleep.
You look so cozy. Mm, I think I need to go back to sleep. The rain persists, so I doubt we'll (I almost forgot Youngbin’s asleep in the living room) go work today.
I hope I wake up to you spooning me.
I hope you have the sweetest dreams.
Yours,Chanhee
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
Dear Jaeyoon,1:05 P.M. — I didn't realize we were going to have such gloomy weather for a long time. The sky remains darkened, holding back from being embraced by the sun. Reminds me of someone.
Despite the weather, you and Youngbin went out. I wonder where. You said somewhere nearby, but… I wish I could've tagged along.
Seokwoo messaged me earlier, like twenty minutes before you guys had left.
He told me he heard the doorbell ring right at the peak of the storm. He ran down the stairs, confused as ever since he wasn't expecting a package or a person. Having no plans whatsoever.
Once he opened the door, Juho was there, a singular lavender flower in his hand. Hair damp, water drenched. His eyes full of hopeless yearn.
From the sound of it, I bet Juho was waiting for this moment from the start, to clear this misunderstanding from the very beginning.
Seokwoo said they stood there for a bit, before Juho took a step forward and handed him the singular flower.He invited Juho in, luckily, and they made up! Dating probably? He didn't clarify that to me, but he did tell me Juho took a shower and wandered in just a towel. And I had to tease Seokwoo here because his voice was getting higher by the second.
I'm happy for the two of them.
3:49 P.M. — You're showering right now. I didn't hear you or Youngbin return. I was making myself a nice little sandwich when I felt your arms snake around my waist, your lips brushing along my neck. You made me squirm a little, almost making me drop a slice of ham.
You just kept on kissing my skin, lightly nipping and sucking. Eventually turning me around and burying your face into the crook of my neck.
It got to the point Youngbin had to clear his throat since you were dripping in rain. Hell, you invited me into the shower with you! (I would've joined… but my sandwich was sitting on the counter, waiting for me. Next time, teehee.)
6:05 P.M. — The rain seems to have calmed down. Youngbin’s telling me we might open shop the day after tomorrow, in case some of the roads are a bit flooded. Safety first!
You're making dinner, insisting that you wanted to cook tonight. You even convinced Youngbin to stay for dinner.
I can't help but look at the way the apron hugs you. And also, you just had to wear the “kiss the cook” apron, didn't you?
What am I going to do with you? (I love you.)
Time to eat!
I love you,Chanhee ♡
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
Dear Jaeyoon,
7:00 A.M. — I woke up to an emptiness within the house. Not a single trace of you within your disheveled bed sheets, not a mess in the kitchen counter. No text message, no sticky; note. My love, what are you hiding from me?
My heart aches every time I think of you. Please, don't keep me in the dark.
9:06 A.M. — I made a nice breakfast for myself. I made some delicious blueberry pancakes, and I topped it off with a little whipped cream, some strawberries at the top. I think you would've liked it, since it's all sweets. I've yet to hear from you. I wonder if you were suddenly called in for work… I'll probably call you around 11, that's your lunch time, right?
9:49 A.M. — Youngbin called me. Bakery is closed for a few days since he's taking a few vacation days to fetch ingredients from a farm he knows. It's the perfect excuse for us to spend more time together, don't you think so?
11:16 A.M. — You answered my phone call. You don't have the slightest idea of the warmth that flooded my ribs and had swelled around my heart, engulfing it tightly. Hearing your voice is always a huge comfort to me. You were, indeed, at work. Staff shortage, you said, due to some of the flooded roads. And yeah, I can see that. They talked about it on the news. Bummer though, I wish you could've had some of my pancakes. I can make them for you next time, my love.
Although, as I think about it, leaving to work early means… you come home early! Aah, now I'm excited!
2:37 P.M. — Eee! You're home! You're home! (You reek of sweat though, did you forget to put deodorant on? Don't worry, it doesn't make me love you any less.)
I had given you the tightest hug as soon as you came home, pressed my lips against your cheek, and hummed in delight at the feel of your arms around my waist and your chin on my shoulder. Ah, I could be in your hold forever.
3:15 P.M. — Mm, you sure are full of surprises. You caught onto your sweaty predicament before I even told you, and you dipped into the shower, after asking me to join you. And well, I didn't join you last time, so I did this time. You didn't see that one coming, huh?
But man, I wasn't expecting you to pull that little move on me. Your hand at the side of my head, slightly towering over me as the water cascaded on our skin. Steam filling the bathroom.
I watched as your chest heaved slightly, our breaths mingling with each other's breath. Jae, you had the faintest rosy cheeks as you subconsciously wetted your lips, your eyes gazing down to my own while traveling back to my gaze. Simply going back and forth.Now, I know you're going to tell me “Chanhee, why are you writing so explicitly about what we did?” tomorrow when you've read this, or you probably won't say anything. I'm dipping my toes in the water…Continuing on, you leaned a little closer, and Jaeyoon, I have to tell you, I wasn't expecting you to gently drag your finger along the crevices of my chest, gliding them up to my collarbone and soon my neck - stopping to grip my chin slightly.
Your touch.. oooh. I still feel the tingles it sent me.
And well, that was your marker as you angled yourself and pressed your lips against mine.
Ah, your lips are forever soft.
I kind of thought more was going to happen, but um, I'm glad it also didn't because we were supposed to shower… and that make out lasted a while, haha.
5:09 P.M. — I wonder if you've noticed me stealing some of your chips… you haven't noticed. I don't think you'll notice either. You're too caught up in the show you're watching, dipping your fingers every now and then to fetch a chip.
There's only so many more I can have before you're out, Jae.
Y'know, I never understood why these big corporations fill the chip bags halfway. Like, come on. Make the price worth it, people!!
5:13 P.M. — Teehee.. guess who got caught stealing a chip… this guy…
You know I love you, right?Always yours, Chanhee
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
Dear Jaeyoon,
3:01 A.M. – We broke our rule tonight. You came into my room around one in the morning, climbing and sinking your weight onto my mattress as you clung your body above my own. I was quite confused, but I could tell you had been holding back for quite some time, how something… (please tell me) drove you to break the very rule you decided on for us, to which I agreed to.
Your touch was so gentle, your lips kissing tenderly against my head, my cheeks, against my lips. It felt like I was being worshiped as you kissed along my jaw, traveling down to my neck and eliciting the softest sounds from my lips.
Anyway… I don’t need to write the rest… you know as well as I what we did. (I love you.)
10:08 A.M. — Mm, it’s a bit odd not having work to worry about, but I have to say that I’m not complaining one bit. I love having you here, since you told me you took your vacation days to spend time with me. I can’t help but notice the light in your eyes decreasing. I don’t like that. I miss the stars in your gaze. My love, it hurts you’re keeping me in the dark.
I went ahead and sweeped every inch of the kitchen floor because I started noticing crumbs along some of the crevices. Also the fact I haven’t sweeped in awhile. Respectfully, I don’t want to deal with any roaches soon, and I know how much you dislike them, too. They’re just so gross to deal with. Ick.
As I cleaned, I realized we’re both on a break right now. Maybe we can go on that road trip I suggested? Well, it depends on the weather…
12:47 P.M. – I’m sorry I snooped over the papers on your desk. You didn’t catch me, and I could’ve withheld myself from telling you, but I couldn’t look you in the eyes while knowing I looked through your things as I was dusting our rooms while you made lunch.
I… I saw your doctor’s diagnosis of hypertrophic cardiomyopathy… Is- Is this why you’ve been struggling to sleep? Is this why you’ve been breaking our rule a little more often? Did you… get diagnosed when you were with family, or was it before then?
Please don’t keep me in the dark.
3:28 P.M. – You have no idea how hard it is for me to interact with you while knowing about your condition. I have so many questions. So many things I want to know. Your diagnosis didn’t say what stage you were in… or when it was even given to you.
Augh, I hope I’m not an open book. I’m so anxious. My hands won’t start sweating. I bit off all my nails. You already told me to stop chewing the skin off my lips, to which you also asked me why I was nervous and I had to play it off.
Is this… why you didn’t tell me?
Please talk to me.
Your worried lover,
Chanhee
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Dear Jaeyoon,
11:00 A.M. — I’m sorry I looked, again. You expressed your dejectedness when you showed me my letter from yesterday. I truly did not mean to snoop, but I was so tired of being kept in the dark. But also, your gaze was so sad, and heartbroken as you realized how hurt you had caused me for leaving me in the dark.
I appreciate your hugs, your tender hold as you murmured sweet reassurances in my ear. I trust you, Jaeyoon, and I’m not mad you didn’t tell me sooner… I get it.
Although you didn’t tell me everything, such as the stage you’re at, you at least told me when you were diagnosed… Ugh, genetics can be so- agh!!! :(I wish I could help you somehow. To take that illness away from you. I just want you to be happy again. To not have to worry about that.
I hope you tell me more details soon… I trust you, and I will wait until you’re ready.
With love,Chanhee
P.S. I know this is shorter than all my letters… I just want to cling to you right now, and enjoy you.
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Dear Jaeyoon,
12:06 A.M. — I think Youngbin texted me by accident. You’re currently asleep with your head against my shoulder from the back. (I guess this is the end of that rule? Of no sharing beds until marriage?)Anyway, I think Youngbin meant to send this to you… It’s an infographic of the stages of your condition…
Are you in stage 2? I’m only assuming because I haven’t felt you be at loss for breath, or nauseated. Maybe it’s in your heartbeat? It says stage 3 includes an irregular heartbeat…I haven’t pressed my ear against your chest lately…
11:58 A.M. — I’m sitting in the waiting room with your lunch. I felt happy you brought me to your appointment. I know you’re not ready to have me in the room with you directly, but just being able to be your support has me happy too. I just want you to remember you’re not alone, my love, and I hope to see the shine in your eyes resurface once more.
And please, don’t blame yourself for shaking up my life with your health. You’re my lover, and I am with you because I chose to live this life with you. Together. No matter what happens in our individual lives.
I hope your breakfast sandwich I made doesn’t go soggy. I made sure to toast the bread on the pan with mayo, making it a nice crisp, golden color. I also warmed up a slice of ham and two eggs. I almost took a bite, it was so hard not to, but I didn’t. I swear!
I wonder what stage you’re at. I didn’t ask you, nor did I press my ear to your chest… I’m sure you’ll tell me, right? You said you’d update me when you felt ready.
I also can’t help but think why the gene suddenly surfaced… I guess it was dormant and something environmental made it awaken? That’s how some genes work, right? It’s been awhile since I’ve had biology class…I wonder how long your appointments usually are?
12:03 P.M. – I see you!!
12:40 P.M. — We found a microwave… I mean, I guess it heated up your sandwich, but I don’t think it’s as good as it was. But at least you devoured it like a champ. No crumbs lingering on your lips or the corners of your mouth.I couldn’t help but notice… your unsteady breathing, almost as if you were at loss for breath. Had I just… not noticed before? Or was it because you ate too fast? Am I overthinking this?
12:59 P.M. — Youngbin told me to stop overthinking, so I’ll try. I’m sure you’d want me to stop too. I don’t want to add more stress to your plate.
1:36 P.M. — I love you.
4:03 P.M. — You're having a war in the bathroom right now, but man, I missed cooking together… you have no idea how happy I got making sandwiches with you, using our shape cutters and shaping them into flowers and dinosaurs.
Oh, there's the toilet flush. Glad you survived!
5:57 P.M. — It's been some time since I've been cocooned within your arms, sitting on your lap. I had my face tucked against the crook of your neck and simply basked in the moment. (I love you.) I could hear your heartbeat, it felt so calm. Was being heart to heart soothing to you? I hope it was.
I want to spend more moments like this with you. More than we already have.
Forever yours,Chanhee
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Dear Jaeyoon,
6:00 A.M. — Sleepless nights is what I'd define as my solace, so I can keep you close to my beating heart as a means to comfort you. You’ve been struggling to sleep these days, waking up in a sweat and a sharp gasp for breath—as if being deprived from your lungs as a punishment for trying to push forward with your life.
I’m scared. Normally, I’d be sleeping away, assured by your reassurances that you’re okay, yet I know- I know you’re not. And that’s what scares me, Jaeyoon. What if I fall asleep one night and wake up to your soundlessly still state?
10:47 A.M. — I wish I could help you.
12:16 P.M. — You scared me ):
12:51 P.M. — I picked up your prescriptions. 1-2 beta blockers a day, preferably one in the morning and one at night; or, one in the morning, and the other during dinner time. Also, 5mg of calcium channel blockers. Never heard of calcium channel blockers… I’ll have to do some reading.
1:05 P.M. — You’re sound asleep. I made sure your chest is falling and rising. I think the medicine’s working… I gently pressed my ear to your chest, and your heart isn’t accelerated. I’m glad… but that also means, you have to keep taking this medication for awhile.
It’s also rather comforting to know what stage you’re at. Somewhere along stage 2 and stage 3. Nothing too serious yet… I just hope you don’t slip into stage 3… I have more reading to do. I want to be informed, so if you suddenly see my letter filled with so much information rather than me talking about the day… that’s why!
4:58 P.M. — I haven’t seen you this lively in awhile. I’ll have to thank Seokwoo and Juho for stopping by. They brought some pastries, to which I sadly had to limit your intake, but it’s okay. They’re there for the next few days, my love.
While you and Juho played on the Wii, Seokwoo joined me in cooking. Neither of us knew what we were making, so Seokwoo looked me in the eyes and whispered, “What if… we make bulgogi?”
I raised my eyebrow at him. “Bulgogi? I don’t even have the meat for it-”“I’ll go to the store real quick,” he spat back, and I couldn’t argue with him if he’s offering to buy it himself. That’s why he left earlier, leaving you and Juho confused.
So once he came back, we prepared bulgogi- well, he did. As for me, I made some white rice and a simple salad to go with the bulgogi. I think you enjoyed it though, and it wasn’t too salty, which is the good thing. (I may have done some reading already… it says to limit sodium intake, which is salt, right?)I should stop worrying so much; you wouldn’t like it, would you? I don’t want it to dictate my lifestyle, and I want you to live normally, even if you have these minor setbacks for now.
I love you.
7:21 P.M. — Youngkyun stopped by and brought some rice cakes since he accidentally bought more than what he wanted. You'll probably ask, “how does one accidentally buy too many rice cakes?”Well, you'd be surprised. He told me, “I wanted to try to do what the kids are doing these days… ordering online so it can get delivered…”And I said, “So how did that go?”
He sighed and glanced away, almost embarrassed: “Well, I misread the description.. and I thought it said it only had 1 rice cake per package… but I wanted a package of 20, since you usually see those in stores.”“Okay…” I said.“Well,” he facepalmed. “I bought 20 packets… and that's how I ended up with 400 rice cakes…”
Youngkyun’s so silly, but he's trying his best. Anyway, he brought you 3 packets in case you get confused why there's suddenly some on the counter.
As for the other 17, he's splitting them with the others. I think he's giving Inseong 3, Sanghyuk 4, and Juho 4. So that leaves him with 5? I dunno, but you get the idea.
9:07 P.M. — I enjoy kissing you. I could taste your cherry chapstick on your bottom lip, sorry not sorry for the little nip I gave you :pYou're just too sweet.
I'll end here tonight. I hear your voice calling me for cuddles.
All yours,Chanhee