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Batman: Crime Journal update.......The relentless fight against crime wears you down. The constant unending reboots. The terrible casting decisions. It's too much, a man, even a Batman grows tired.So I take a moment sitting alone in my shadow haunted study to review my journals and remind myself why I do what I do.The thrill of the hunt. The icy rush of adrenaline. The feel of black rubber on bare skin.Oh and justice yes that's important too. Justice that's why I do this. That's why I'm Batman....It's raining in Gotham. A savage downpour hitting the crime ridden streets like it hates them.Gotham showers they call them. The rain hurts. I feel it's impact even through my cape.High above the shadowy alleyways amid the gargoyle encrusted rooftops I stand. I cut a deliberately forbidding figure surveying the city that I have made my kingdom.Cloaked and hooded I am at home among the gargoyles. Fear is my weapon. I wear the rain drenched night as easily as the armor that covers my powerful frame.In my deeds I have created a myth, a legend, I have become more than a man. The sentinel of Gotham.The Batman.(It's me!)Lightning flashes across the murky sky silhouetting me starkly against the night.I am not alone."Hey! Batman! Hey! Batman! It's me! Supergirl! Over here! It's so rainy here! It's weird only the Penguin has an umbrella! You look so cool on top of that gargoyle! I'm going to try that! I should send Lena a selfie! Look at me on the gargoyle! I'm Supergirl...oh I can't do the voice..wait I want to get the lightning in the background before I take my pic... How do you manage to look so cool!""My parents were murdered condemning me to a life of obsession and vengeance. My every action, every thought was shaped by that moment." I growled."My whole planet was destroyed and everyone I ever knew was killed but I don't let it get me down!" Said Supergirl swinging her legs off the edge of the rooftop.Her whole planet? Damn. Hardcore. Doesn't she know it's not a competition?"Should I act tougher do you think? Do more brooding? Maybe get a scary catchphrase? ' I'm Supergirl and I'm the best at what I do but what I do is...""Maybe you should talk to Batwoman instead?" It was a reasonable suggestion."Oh she's awesome! But Lena doesn't like it when I hang out with Batwoman. I don't know why not but I thought I'd come and hang with you instead.""I exist in a dark shadowy world populated by the worst villainy ever to crawl from the gutters. Savage twisted psyches, the embodiment of evil straight from humanities nightmares."This perky girl scout is not ready for the horrors of my world. The darkness I walk in every day. Though at night obviously."Like the Condiment King and Kite-man?"The silence stretched out into awkwardness but I wasn't going to dignify that with a reply."So do you think I should wear more black?" Asked Supergirl."My uniform is designed to strike fear into the hearts of evil doers." I snarled my voice pitched to carry through the crashing rain."Is it the little pointy ears on your hat that scare them? I could get some cute cat ears. Lena would like that! No, too Catwoman, maybe bunny ears? But why does your suit have nipples? Are you cold? I used to have that problem but Lena made me a top with more padding. She had to measure me very carefully! So many fittings! She's very hands on.""The suit is tactical.""Tactical nipples?""Tactical BAT nipples."They're functional. No not like that."So cool!""Lena Luthor made your suit? Are you sure it's wise getting in bed with a Luthor?"What kind of fool trusts the step sister of their brothers arch enemy?"Oh yes..I mean I think about it all the time....do you think she wants to? ...oh..you mean work with her? Yes, Lena isn't like Lex she's...""Good?" I don't hide the contempt in my voice but she's not listening."...much hotter...I meant good...yes she's good.. I mean I'm sure she would be..so good.." Supergirl closed her eyes for a moment adrift in her imagination. For an instant the rain soaked rooftop didn't feel cold at all.I shifted uncomfortably as Supergirl gave a sensual groan. I shouldn't be seeing this. Her thoughts had gone somewhere warm and private. She pulled herself back to reality blushing despite the icy rain."Your utility belt is cool. I like the boomerangs. Did you get the idea from Captain Boomerang?" Asked Supergirl changing the subject to my relief."No! They're not boomerangs. They're batarangs."Boomerangs? This woman knows nothing!"Do they come back when you throw them?""Yes but...""So kinda like boomerangs?""No! They're..shaped like ...bats."Obvious difference.There was another long pause. I thought about it.Shit, they're boomerangs aren't they. Why am I using boomerangs? The bad guys all have actual guns. This is just messed up."Bats are cool." Said Supergirl. She can sense my discomfort."Don't..."I don't need her pity.Thankfully I was interrupted by the Bat Signal punching its way through the cloud choked night sky like a searing beam of justice.I rose to my full height atop the gargoyle."Gotham needs me! The city cries out." I intoned dramatically.A tinny rendition of Nsync "Tearin' up my heart' chimed across the rooftop. Supergirl pulled out her phone."Me as well! I got a text! Shall I give you a lift?"A lift?!? I'm not turning up to a fight being dangled from little Miss perky and blonde. How will I strike terror like that?"No, I am a creature of stealth, a master of Shadows. I move unnoticed through the city.""In the batmobile?""Yes.""A massive sports car?""Uhh...yes.""Don't you keep getting stuck in the city traffic? And parking must be awful."I'm a billionaire. I can afford the tickets but she's right. Fifteen people died last year while I was looking for a parking spot.The car is really cool though. Heated seats. The works.She was still talking."Lena is always saying it's hard to drive in the city so I fly her to work. She just holds on to my back, presses really tight and straddles me. I think I go too fast sometimes because she's all hot and breathless when we arrive but she says she doesn't mind.""I'll take the car.""Can you introduce me to Catwoman?""No."Meanwhile at L Corp genius CEO Lena Luthor sits at her imposing glass desk in her austere office atop the L Corp tower. She is deep in thought assisted by Hope her faithful super advanced AI assistant."Hope, these tactical simulations you've designed need more work.""Which ones Miss Luthor?"Hopes artificial voice is neutral yet somehow conveys that she knows exactly which simulations Lena is referring to."The Gotham files. Kara is in Gotham right now so we need to make sure we're prepared for any conflicts she might encounter. For example in your simulation of Supergirl fighting Catwoman I think....""Their costumes might get more torn?" Said Hope tiredly."Uhh..yes..how did you know?""Lucky guess Miss Luthor.""And in the Condiment King scenario we need a simulation to see how Kara would perform if the Condiment King were to deploy whipped cream.""Is that a condiment Miss Luthor?""Best to be prepared.""Of course Miss Luthor, I shall run the usual high definition images as soon as I have finished rendering the Clayface mud wrestling scene.
In the meantime you have received a message from Kara Danvers:"
said Hope sounding like she didn't want to say more.Lena looked up from her screen."I hope she's okay. It's always cold in Gotham. You don't think she's caught a chill do you? I told her to take her thermal vest! Show me the message." Said Lena."Very well Miss Luthor. If I must.""Hey Lena, I'm having so much fun in Gotham! I punched the Joker and I had a team up with Batwoman! #worldsfinest.Condiment King is a real bad guy! He tried to drown me in whipped cream! Is that even a condiment? My costume got really messy and I got cream everywhere but Batwoman helped me clean up at her place. We're going to get donuts with Harley and Ivy next. Batman won't come Batwoman says Batman doesn't like donuts but Catwoman is going to be there too! Do you think my costume should have bunny ears? Wish you were here Kara 💓 💓 💓.""She has also sent a number of what appear to be gargoyle selfies." Said Hope.Lena was silent for a moment. When she finally spoke it was with a fierce urgency bordering on panic."Hope, get the L Corp jet ready, I need to get to Gotham immediately!""Already prepped for departure Miss Luthor."
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Kate Kane aka Batwoman.As it happened Lena had no reason to be worried because Kate was distracted but I'm getting ahead of myself.There was a time when I, the Batman, haunted the rooftops alone in my solitary crusade against crime. Aided only by my elderly butler and my teenage ward.I see how that looks weird when I say it now. I didn't make him wear those shorts no matter what he tells people.Anyway the Bat family expanded. We have Bat everything now. We stand alone in a massive group against the murky badly outnumbered forces of evil.Amidst the legion of solitary tortured dark knights is Kate Kane: the Batwoman.She mostly fights really attractive female villains. I don't know why but I respect her choices.I just think it's unfair. Why do I get Scarecrow and she gets Fright? She gets Nocturna and I get Signal Man?There was a time when tight leather catsuits were my thing.No not like that. Those photos were deep fakes! Selina just asked me to try it on for a joke! I didn't know she'd put them on the net!And team ups? Batwoman gets Supergirl and I get Superman? I mean I'm not saying I mind that. Clark and I have an understanding.We don't tell Lois.Well read on and find out what my work wife gets up to.Please don't tell her I called her that.A Gotham rooftop.........Harley spun and bounced madly across the rooftop avoiding Kate's batarang on its return flight.Batarang! Kate swore under her breath. How was she supposed to inspire terror in Gothams underworld when her primary weapon was a boomerang shaped like a bat?Despite his unrelenting grimness she sometimes thought Bruce didn't really take this crime fighting thing seriously.Bat shaped boomerang? Really what could be stupider?That was what was in Kate's mind at the precise moment Harley nailed her with a weaponized hacky sack."Take that you impersonator!! You ain't Babs!!" Cried Harley triumphantly.People forgot Harley had actual superpowers. Nothing to make supergirl sweat (an image popped into Kate's head at that thought) but enough that Harley could throw a lead shot filled Hacky sack like a beanbag round from a shotgun.Why on earth was Kara spending all her time with Luther when she could have been with her?Kate was distracted and the hacky sack hit home knocking her from the rooftop onto the jagged metal railings below.Kate felt the sudden hot flare of injury. The rusted metal point had gone in between the stab plates of the armor over her hip."That's for Babs you copy cat!!" Cried Harley happily as she scampered off across the rooftops.Adrenaline and reflex prompted Kate to haul herself up off the railings before she realized what a bad idea that was.Kate staggered to her feet feeling the wetness soaking down the side of her costume. The flesh over her hip was moving in ways it shouldn't.She continued bleeding significantly despite spraying the wound with bat coagulant.Why the hell did all her equipment have to have 'bat' in front of the name and the logo on the packet? Was Bruce worried about copyright or something?Anyway the coagulant wasn't working, she was still gushing blood.Wait no that was the wrong cannister. She'd sprayed her wound with shark repellant.All these stupid little utility belt cans looked the same in the dark. She would be better off with a fanny pack.After a second painful error with a can of mace she found the coagulant and the bleeding slowed but Kate knew she was in bad shape.If she wanted to stay mobile and functional she was going to need more than just super glue and antiseptic.Dr Thompkins apartment was nearest. Kate was about to launch herself from the rooftop with a grapple line when a wet sensation and fresh pain at her side told her this would be a bad idea.Instead she pulled a thin raincoat from her utility belt and put it on over the bat suit. With the cowl down she looked like a regular Gothamite now. One with really cool boots.She took the Subway. Walking was getting difficult. She was drenched in blood but that wasn't unusual on the Gotham subway. It was a tough town. No one paid much attention.Home at her apartment Dr Leslie Thompkins was feeling her years after a long day at the clinic. It was the repetitiveness of the work that got to her. An endless stream of patients, the same violence, the same ignorance, the same neglect. It wore you down. It made you feel pointless.It was times like this when she understood why some people chose to dress up as bats, cats or clowns. They were insane of course but at least they could feel like they were making a difference. It was easier to lie to yourself wearing a mask.Leslie sipped her tea and imagined herself swinging across rooftops in a bat suit. The image made her laugh. Her knees hurt just from standing in the O.R.She unzipped her boots and tilted her reclining chair back. She was tired enough she didn't think she'd make it to bed but the chair was comfortable enough. She let herself relax feeling the minor aches and pains of her body. Tomorrow there would be more work, more problems, but that was tomorrow. Tonight she had a warm apartment and a comfortable chair.She had just started to doze when the door bell rang. Her security system was excellent courtesy of Wayne Enterprises. The door camera clearly showed Kate Kane standing in the doorway holding her side. The woman's was obviously injured.These kinds of visitors weren't that rare. She had a field surgery set up and medical supplies in her spare bedroom. She was well equipped thanks to Bruce. The one thing the Wayne billions couldn't provide was a good night's rest it seemed.She buzzed Kate in and went to greet her in stockinged feet."Hi doc, sorry to barge in..." began Kate. Leslie just pointed towards the medical room. Kate gave an apologetic smile and limped stiffly in. It wasn't her first visit.Leslie lifted her tea cup and swallowed the last of her now cold tea then followed Kate.Blood on the carpet again."Take your clothes off and get up on the bed." Said Leslie as she pushed her short grey hair back, rolled up the sleeves of her pale green blouse and snapped on blue latex gloves. Her forearms were boney and deceptively delicate looking."Sure Doc but can we look at my injury first?" smirked Kate. Despite her teasing tone her voice was tight with pain.Leslie unwrapped a sterile paper mat and smoothed it across the medical bed."Do you want a painkiller?" She asked already knowing the answer."I need to stay alert Doc.""It's just a macho thing with you bat types isn't it?" Sighed Leslie. "I won't tell him you know.""Maybe I just want to feel everything when you get me naked Dr Thompkins." Teased Kate."You're pathological." Leslie shook her head hiding her smile."I can't help it if I have a thing for older woman." said Kate wincing as she undressed.Leslie watched Kate struggle to remove her boots. It obviously hurt her to bend down. Impatiently Leslie gestured for Kate to sit on the bed. Leslie had dealt with too many superhero types to have patience for their tough guy persona's. She then leaned over to help Kate unfasten her long black boots then quickly pulled down the reinforced leggings of the bat suit.The younger woman's body tensed. Kate tried to hide it but Leslie could tell Kate was embarrassed about needing help undressing.Beneath the armored bat suit Kate's pale tattooed skin was sweaty and damp. The under layer of the suit clung to her as she peeled it off. With Leslie's help she stripped to her sports bra and briefs. Black naturally.As well as the obvious deep slice over her hip there were numerous cuts, contusions and marks in various stages of healing across Kate's muscular body. She had almost as many scars as tattoos."Underwear too please." Said Leslie."Want to see everything?" Taunted Kate. She bit back a gasp of pain as she raised an arm to take off her bra. The motion tugged at the gash in her side. Fresh blood ran down her hip. Leslie stopped her and took a pair of trauma shears from a drawer by the bed.Kate pulled back as she saw her intent."Oh hell no, you know how much this cost?"Leslie snorted "Wayne Enterprises can afford to buy you a new bra. Hold still."She cut through the straps and the waistband of Kate's underwear briskly pulling away the perspiration soaked garments and dropping them on top of the pile of bat suit, utility belt, gauntlets, boots, cape and cowl. Leslie put a thin gloved hand on Kate's muscular shoulder. The damp skin was hot to the touch. She traced her other hand over the welts that ran down Kate's back."Are these whip marks?""Oh those were entirely consensual. Miaow." Kate shivered at the memory."Does Bruce know about that?" Leslie asked amused."Those two aren't exclusive.""Good grief. It's a wonder you people have time to fight crime."At a gesture from Leslie Kate lay stiffly back onto the bed on her uninjured side.Leslie swung the portable imager into place. Another advanced piece of equipment provided by Wayne Enterprises."Breaking out the toys already doc." Gasped Kate."Is it possible for you to stop flirting?" Complained Leslie distractedly as she examined Kate's wound."You're the one who got me naked instead of just pulling up my top." Kate's tone was joking but her voice was strained."I need to examine your whole body.""I feel the same way about you." Kate bit back a gasp as Leslie probed the wound.Leslie was well aware that Kate was flirting clumsily to distract herself from the pain. She was happy enough to play along. Kate had an incredible body and, with mild embarrassment, Leslie had to admit that body was likely to feature in her fantasies in the not too distant future."Save it for Roxy Rocket. I hear she's back in town." Murmured Leslie as she moved her fingers tips along the swollen flesh."Been there, done that." Said Kate."Oh so I'm just unconquered territory am I?""We could both have fun exploring.""I'm old enough to be your mother.""What I'm hearing is that you've got experience.""I'm not sure you could handle me Kate."Leslie was letting her mouth run on auto pilot while she cleaned the wound. It was going to need a double layer of stitches. She concentrated on that. Kate's body was taut and tense flinching involuntarily although she kept her voice light."I'm up for the challenge doc, you know that.""Well it's been a while for me." Admitted Leslie."Really? How long?"Leslie thought about the last time she'd actually shared her bed with anyone. The reality was depressing."Twenty nineteen." She said regretfully."Twenty twenty for me." Said Kate."Seriously?!""We are using the twenty four hour clock right?" Kate delivered the punchline with a straight face.Leslie laughed. She didn't feel bad about Kate's pained yelp as she flooded the wound with antiseptic."That's a long dry spell doc.""Oh and you're going to make it rain for me are you...can we please forget I just said that?"Now Kate laughed."Is that what they call a Freudian slip doc?""You'd have to ask Dr Quinzel about that. I assume you two have .....""Oh yes.""I should probably give you a course of antibiotics.""You think the wound is infected?" Kate peered down at the ugly cut in her side."Not for your wound." Said Leslie primly. "I'm just worried about the breadth of your social life.""Why doctor is that jealousy I hear?""I suppose it's pointless to hope you'll settle down. I thought you and Julia were good together?""Doc we both know one day I'm not going to make it back. There's no retirement package in this job. I plan to enjoy myself as much as possible. Better to burn out than fade away.""Speaking as someone who's planning on fading away I should point out that a Meatloaf lyric isn't a life plan.""Still applies, unless you're going to make an honest woman of me?""You need someone your own age.""Come on doc you know you're only as old as the woman you feel.""You are delirious."Leslie finished the stitches and taped gauze over the wound."All done?" Kate started to rise."You need to keep still. You almost lost a kidney. And you really do need antibiotics.""Well just give me the shot and I'll get out of your hair." Kate was still trying to sit up."Kate you have to keep still.""I'm fine Doc, you do good work.""I do good work, I don't do miracles. You need to take it easy until you heal. At least a week of bed rest.""You know that's not happening." Kate was paler than usual as she pulled herself into a sitting position."You're obviously in a lot of pain..." Began Leslie."I don't mind a little pain, just ask Selina."Leslie rolled her eyes "I was going to say you're in pain but the pain isn't the issue. It's the damage. You can push through the pain but unless you let the wound heal you're going to make it worse and then it's infection, internal bleeding and death."Leslie was serious but Kate had heard it all before."I'll be careful Doc." She said dismissively.Leslie quickly pulled off her gloves and began unbuttoning her blouse."Doc? What are you doing?""Seeing if you're all talk." Said Leslie challengingly. Kate's eyes widened."Are you serious?""I can't think of another way to keep you in bed."Leslie's grey wool pants slid to the ground."Doc?!"Kate started to get up again. Her eyes were on Leslie's body. Leslie helped Kate to her feet."Doc where are we going?""My bed.""I thought you said I shouldn't exert myself. Full disclosure Doc, if I get in bed with you I'm gonna be exerting myself.""No Kate you're not. You're going to lay there and just watch. I'm doing all the work and if you move I'm going to stop.""Are you serious Doc?" Kate swallowed. There was an excited gleam in Leslie's eyes she'd never seen before."I always do what's best for my patients, don't I?"Leslie knew she was probably going to regret this in the morning. Twenty nineteen seemed like a long time ago and she didn't do this kind of thing. Aside from everything else Kate was half her age. This was ridiculous.She looked again at Kate and the uncharacteristically nervous look in Kate's eyes. Leslie smiled and revised her earlier thought. No, she wasn't going to regret this. Not one bit.Besides she really couldn't think of any other way to make sure Kate stayed in bed."Lay still Kate, Doctors orders."
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Gotham city.My city.Once great, now a city of boarded up shop fronts and broken windows.If cities were toilets Gotham was long overdue a courtesy flush.I saw her move across the rooftops below my perch.Selina Kyle aka Catwoman. Master thief, cat enthusiast and occasional eater of small birds, a lean gymnasts body and cowl friendly haircut wrapped in a black leather outfit that hid a few scars.Why did she keep coming back to Gotham?Why didn't she still wear that purple outfit?I asked. I sent letters. I started an online petition.No one cares about those things.But she was back.Maybe she had a thing for rubber outfits and extreme cosplay. Maybe she was just crazy for me.Why wouldn't she be?I'm Batman.But maybe this time her trip to Gotham had nothing to do with me.As if.I watched her through my night vision binoculars which I carry for legitimate crime fighting reasons.Just because I hang about on rooftops dressed in black rubber spying on people it doesn't make me a pervert okay?Whatever reason Catwoman was backshe definitely hadn't come back for the man standing in front of her right now either.The Joker. Clown prince of crime. Mirthful murderer, green haired knave of the knock knock jokes. Not her favorite person.Not mine either.I mean yeah he's probably my top villain but it's not like we do drinks.He's crazy.There was crazy, Selina didn't mind crazy, and then there was Gotham crazy. Gotham crazy was just too much crazy.The Joker was Gotham crazy with a side order of Bludhaven bezerk. It was smart to stay clear of him but Selina had to think about her image, she couldn't look scared. So she smiled and listened to the pasty faced purveyor of punishing punchlines complain as he held court at the Iceberg lounge.The Iceberg lounge was an upscale club for low lives. Popular with Gotham villainy and their hangers on."It's like I'm under a dark cloud!" whined the Joker. "A cloud I tell you!""A cloud? Why so cirrus?" Asked Selina with a smirk even though she really didn't care.The Joker scowled sourly at her and refreshed his martini with a squirt from the plastic flower at his purple lapel. Whatever he'd just added to his drink melted the olive. He took a sip before continuing."Harley turned vegetarian and left me! My stand up career is going nowhere, I'm not allowed on any talent shows just because I played a few innocent pranks on some of the judges!""Hey I'm sure the survivors were laughing." Selina wasn't really listening. She checked her watch again. Time to go?Okay so it wasn't really her watch. She'd lifted it from Harvey Dent on the way in. It was important to stay in practice.Predictably the expensive watch was cracked and only told the right time half the time. Just get a new gimmick already Harvey.She sighed. Gotham. But she had better things to do than listen to the Joker wallow in self pity.She'd done what she came to do. Put in some time at the Iceberg Lounge, networked with some big names, shown her face and, thanks to her new costume, her armpits.Honestly she was rethinking that costume. The added ventilation wasn't worth the weird attention it was getting her. Who knew so many Gotham villains had a thing for armpits? She'd even caught Alfred looking.Anyway she had something better to do. The real reason she came back to Gotham. Something she certainly wouldn't tell the high rollers and crazies who hung out at the lounge.The Joker noticed her leaving."Hey Kitty what's the matter you got a hot heist?" He called."You know how it is, I want to get to the banks before they open.""Oohhh bank heist!!"There was no way she was going to tell him where she was really going.He would only laugh.She paid her tab and left a generous tip. She might be a thief but she stole big not small.Behind her she heard heard a commotion. The muffled terror of several infamous supervillains trying to leave quickly without making it obvious they were doing it.Because they weren't scared. Not. At. All.Selina smiled and waited for the sound of breaking glass.Instead she heard the Joker's voice."It's not him! It's her! Everyone run!!!! Unhinged killers and clowns first!!!"Perched on a window ledge ready to depart Selina paused to listen."Hi everyone, where all you all going? I'm just looking for Catwoman? Has anyone seen her? Black leather onesie? Whip?"The voice was perky, polite, helpful. Somehow blonde."It's Gotham toots that don't rule it down much.""Ooh are you Scarface? Ventriloquism is so clever can I have a look?""No, aahhhh...""I am so sorry! Is your hand still in there? I only wanted to see how you worked the puppet..."Selina stepped to one side in surprise as the Joker ran past her and threw himself through the upper storey window without opening it first."It's her!!! The Bat I can take but not her!!"Whoever it was Selina took it as her cue to leave.She left via an upstairs window mostly and took to the rooftops. She sprinted sure footed across wet stone and tile. The cold night air washed away the cloying smokey odor of the club.Below her Gotham was a mass of shadows pitted with the glare of streetlights and neon signs.Above her were the spires and rooftops of the high rises. Selina unfurled her whip from around her waist and leapt.Maybe Gotham wasn't so bad. At least not from this height.In another dimension someone else was also enjoying the roof top experience.Felicia Hardy aka the Black Cat. If Catwoman was a leather clad gymnast then the Black Cat looked like a showgirl with an allergy to sunlight and a well used gym membership.She moved rapidly across the roof of the Baxter building in a display of super serum enhanced parkour. She leapt and turned and vaulted with effortless grace pausing only to adjust her costume.Hers was rather more showy than Catwoman's. The black composite cat suit was adorned with tufts of white fur and a zip that didn't go all the way up but at least she wasn't showing gratuitous armpit.Felicia's long white hair was considerably less practical than Selina's sleek cut but people rarely complained even if their eyes got up that far.Tonight Felicia had planned something even she thought was a little crazy and she set herself a high bar for such things.The Baxter building, home of the Fantastic Four, was surprisingly easy to break into. The high tech defense systems were designed to repel an army of doom bots not a lone thief.Not one with Felicia's skills anyway.Once inside she needed to locate a dimensional portal device. There she hit a snag.Of course she knew what a portal device looked like. Who in the superhero community didn't? And she'd watched Stargate so that was covered.But she hadn't expected to have to choose. Just how many portal devices did one super team need?Bruce Banner had gotten her the dimensional coordinates she needed in return for her heisting him a years supply of purple stretch fit pants so all she needed to do was pick a portal and power it up.Bruce had warned her that the journey would require changing portals halfway as she would be entering a dimensionally concurrent universe.It seemed like a lot of work but it was normal procedure when entering the DC universe.Felicia powered up the nearest portal and stepped through the shimmering silvery transmat field.There was a moment of intense cold then she was standing in a bleak wasteland of grey sand facing an insectile alien.The bipedal creature wore garish purple and green armor. It's chitinous head turned away ignoring her, saliva dripped listlessly from it's mandibles."Where am I?" Asked Felicia."Does it matter? Who cares? You're probably lost." Said the creature in a high squeaky voice."I'm just looking for a connection.""Aren't we all, but no one cares. It's not worth bothering. Everyone is the same. It's all pointless." Sighed the creature. "I don't know why I'm bothering to talk to you. It won't make anything better. I should just give up."Realization dawned on Felicia."I'm in the negative zone aren't I?""Like I care.""You must be Annihilus.""Do you read my blog? How bad was the new season of NCIS?""Well I thought it was quite....look I'm not here to talk about that I need to find the portal to the DC universe.""You'll probably end up in the DC Cinematic Universe by mistake.""No!" Banner had warned her about this. It had sounded bad. "I don't want to go there.""That's what they all say." Sighed Annihilus."Can you at least give me directions?""I'll just get it wrong."Felicia looked around. There were some big green arrow signs that looked promising. She set off through the grey sand."Everyone always leaves me." moaned Annihilus.Finding the connecting portal turned out to be easier than Felicia had expected. Super easy in fact and she got there in a flash. Maybe one day people would write about her epic journey but those would be the legends of tomorrow. Right now she had a job to do.She stepped through the portal and out onto a gothic stone rooftop on a cold damp night.Somehow the air smelt of crime and wet rubber clothing.Overhead a swarm of bats flew past a gibbous full moon then clouds obscured the view.Felicia smiled. Unless she was about to encounter four meddling kids and their talking dog it looked like she was in the right place.From a perch atop a gargoyle on Gotham cathedral Selina saw the portal open and Felicia step through.Selina used her whip to swing across the rooftops to investigate. She'd been around long enough to know what a dimensional portal looked like. They were rarely good news.She landed almost silently on the roof top of the derelict Kord factory where the portal had opened.She saw a very pale white haired woman in a fur trimmed black leather costume that showed more cleavage than seemed aerodynamically advisable. The woman was looking at her phone."Nice outfit, is there something wrong with the zip ?" Said Selina."Aren't your armpits cold?" Responded Felicia as they circled each other warily."Well it's pretty clear you're feeling the cold." Purred Selina looking down."Catty.""Catwoman actually.""Black Cat.""Oh please tell me you're not an alternate universe version of me. We're not having another crisis are we?"Felicia's response was interrupted as both woman's phones emitted an identical alert chime at the same time. They looked at each other."Is that the Gargoylin' app?" Asked Felicia."Maybe. You?""Yes.""What's your score?"Felicia said a number. It was a high number. Selina replied with another slightly higher number."Nice." Felicia relaxed slightly. "Of course you have an advantage living in Gotham. You have crazy numbers of gargoyles here.""Is that why you came here? You crossed a dimensional rift just to improve your score?"It sounded silly when you said it out loud but Felicia nodded with an embarrassed smile."It's just so addictive!""It is. I mean I should be stealing works of art from rich gangsters instead I'm running around Gotham trying to score points by sitting on the most inaccessible gargoyles for some silly cellphone game!"Felicia chuckled understandingly."It is fun though. Kinda nice to take a break and just have fun.""I know exactly what you mean.""And the app is incredible. How it assigns points based on gargoyle size and location. It factors in perch time and weather. I always try for the thunderstorm bonus. Not to mention the fact that the app is available across dimensions.""I know the inventor.""Really?!""Oracle, total genius. She had some help mapping out the gargoyles but even so it's incredible work.""Do you think I get a bonus for the accessibility score for crossing dimensions?""Maybe.""So it sounds like we've got more than the app in common. Same line of work?" Suggested Felicia.Selina bristled."Relax I'm not working, you want get any competition from me." Reassured Felicia. "Looks like we both went for the cat theme too."Yes, I wonder what else we have in common. You aren't madly in love with an emotionally unavailable superhero where any hope of a relationship is doomed to failure because of your differing moral outlooks are you?""No.""Me neither."They stared for a long moment."Batman." Admitted Selina."Spiderman." Confessed Felicia."You know when you say them out loud neither of those sound very sexy." Selina was thoughtful."Good point."They both considered this for a moment."So that cat costume.." began Selina."Felicia.""Selina.""I have to ask, how do you handle the puns? I mean the whole cat motif works well for me but if I had a dollar for every time I heard some pussy related innuendo or 'look what the cat dragged in' ....'""You'd be able to afford a top that zipped all the way up? Seriously how is that costume staying on?""Lots of tape. I sometimes do the whole cat ears thing too but that feels like I'm trying too hard. Your cat ears on the cowl look great but I'm already wearing a collar, it's like we get the picture right?""I did notice the pet collar. Are you looking for someone to hold your leash?""Why do you ask?""Just wondering what your plans for the night were."Felicia smiled."That is a whip you carry isn't it?"Selina absently cracked her whip in the air as she looked across the jagged landscape of rooftops.There was a large bat winged gargoyle clearly visible against the chill moonlight. Felicia followed Selina's gaze. She grinned."Race you?"Selina returned the smile and they leapt from the rooftop in tandem.The Black Cat had actual superpowers but Catwoman knew the Gotham rooftops intimately. It was a close and breathless race as they sped across the rain slick stonework.To anyone watching it would have looked like a graceful flow from handhold to precarious foothold adjusting on the fly in a powerful dance. But as Selina and Felicia watched each other move they knew the skill, talent and experience that it took to traverse the slick rooftops the way they did.They were both smiling amidst the rush of adrenaline and cold night air.Felicia arrived first and landed triumphantly astride the Gargoyle."I beat you by a whisker... sorry I heard it as soon as I said it."Her smirk of victory was tempered by the sensation that Catwoman had let her win. Selina was looking smug.It took Felicia a moment to realise what was wrong. Then she noticed that the gargoyle was oddly warm. What she had taken to be soft moss under her gloves and boots was actually fur. She looked more carefully at the gargoyle."Hi." It said. Felicia leapt clear as the creature moved. She landed a few feet away with less than her usual grace but poised for an attack."You sat on me!" Protested the creature in a wet rasp of a voice "Do you think I like having gorgeous pale woman in fetish outfits sit on me?""You kept still quite a long time so I think it's a possibility, yes." Replied Felicia."Also it's not a fetish outfit, it's a tactical stealth suit." She added."You're wearing a pet collar." Hissed the 'gargoyle'.It was in fact a tall humanoid bat like creature, it wore a ragged pair of black jeans and the tattered remnants of a green blouse but was barefoot. It's long clawed toes gripped the stonework.The creatures shredded clothing made it clear it was female. It's sinewy muscular body was covered in brown fur over tough leathery skin. The creatures face was more bat than human with a fang filled muzzle and high pointed ears.It had wings like something out of Tolkien.Felicia could see Selina was trying not to laugh. Catwoman didn't seem bothered by the monster."You knew." Accused Felicia"Felicia meet Francine aka Bat Queen. Francine meet Felicia, she's from out of town even though she dresses like a local.""Uh, hi Francine, sorry I sat on you.""No need to apologize. Ever since that app got popular I've had skimpily dressed superheros climbing on me whenever I perch for more than five minutes." Rasped Francine as she scratched at her back fur."The app has a website, maybe they could post a warning so people stop bothering you." Suggested Selina helpfully."No! I wasn't complaining. Just making an observation." Said Francine speaking so quickly she sprayed saliva."I'm guessing you don't date much." Felicia was downwind of the wet bat smell."It is weird that the app identifies you as a gargoyle." Said Selina thoughtfully. "Looks aside you're clearly not and you move about so why would the app....unless.." she gave Francine an accusing look.Francine held up her claws in embarrassment."Okay, okay I admit it. Oracle owed me a favour so I asked her to program the app to show me as a gargoyle. I get lonely up here. I've had so many hugs since that app got popular!""Weren't you and Nocturna dating?" Selina had heard rumours."It was just a casual thing.""But Nocturna has hypnosis powers doesn't she? Being with someone like that weren't you ever worried she was using them to seduce you?" Asked Selina.Francine gave Selina a look best described as disbelief."I'm a giant hairy bat monster. It's not hard to seduce me, you basically just have to ask." She turned to smile at Felicia. There were a lot of teeth involved. "Just putting it out there.""She likes insects." Said Selina to Felicia "So you've already got that in common.""Spiders are not insects." Felicia replied with reflexive loyalty."I eat spiders too." Volunteered Francine hopefully.Felicia tried to change the subject."So what are you doing out here tonight?""Oh the usual, eating bugs, making vampires feel inadequate.""Hey I know a vampire, Morbius." Said Felicia."Never heard of him.""He's a living vampire.""So un un dead?" Francine's muzzle wrinkled in thought."It's not really my area but isn't that basically just alive?" Asked Selina. "You sure he's a vampire and not just into death metal and Anne Rice novels?""He's famous where I'm from, they made a movie about him.""Was it any good?""They made a movie about him." Repeated Felicia."They made a movie about Catwoman too." Said Francine."No they didn't." Snapped Catwoman reddening under her goggles."Wait wasn't that released inter dimensionally? I remember some scandal because one of the X men was in it trying to launch an acting career. Wasn't that the one with the outfit made of belts?" Felicia laughed as Francine nodded happily."Well at least they made a movie about me!" Responded Selina "Do you two have movies?!""I've been in cartoons!" Replied both Francine and Felicia simultaneously."Okay look I admit my movie wasn't great and the costume was questionable.""I'm the last one to costume shame anyone." Said Felicia. Then she looked at Francine."But you do realize your ass is literally hanging out right?""I was wearing skinny fit jeans when I transformed, it's not my fault. Although I do like that you were looking."Felicia did her best to ignore Francine's smile."But you knew you were going to transform. Why not have some spare clothes on hand? I could hook you up with some stretchy pants.""Do they come in black?""Just purple."Selina regarded the rags Francine was barely wearing."She's right you need to maintain some mystery. You need to dress better, you're just giving it away in that outfit.""What about cleavage woman here?" Francine indicated Felicia. Even Felicia found herself looking down."I do actually have costumes with better zips." She admitted "But I kind of like the extra ventilation. All this leather can get hot when you're working.""Armpit vents. I'm telling you they're life-changing." Selina nodded emphatically."It seems like an invitation to tickling." Said Felicia skeptically."Is that a big problem in your universe?""I'll introduce you to Deadpool sometime. But come on Francine surely you could use something a little less crawled from the grave looking.""Well I suppose pockets would be useful." Conceded Francine. "But it's a little hard for me to get to a store like this.""We can help." Offered Felicia."But all the shops are shut." Pointed out Francine.Selina and Felicia, two master thieves, shared a look."Yeah, I don't see that being a problem."Felicia took a step back and saw what she had just stood in. Stepping in guano of various origins was just part of the rooftop lifestyle but this seemed suspiciously fresh.She glared at Francine."Sorry."They chose a Wayne Industries affiliate. Selina was pretty sure Bruce wouldn't mind and he could certainly afford it.Felicia and Selina raced to see who could get in first. Francine hung upside down by her feet from a window ledge and watched through the window.Selina and Felicia arrived in woman's wear at the same time. They looked around at the range of stylish formal wear and office casual."I like that swing dress, the yellow gingham pattern one." Hissed Francine.Felicia and Selina exchanged a look. Then they looked at the six feet of bat monster peering in hopefully through the window."A dress might not be great if you're flying." Said Felicia tactfully."That's why Supergirl stopped wearing skirts." Agreed Selina."But..." Felicia held up a sleeveless button up blouse in the same buttercup yellow gingham."Very cool, very rockabilly." Said Selina "And the yellow works with your fur.""The armholes should be okay to get your wings through." Felicia examined the top critically."They fold. I'll take it. I was a size 8 before but ummm..."Felicia grabbed the two largest they had.For the rest of the outfit they went to the outdoor section."You want pockets that zip up so stuff doesn't fall out when you're upside down." Said Felicia.There was a pause as she realized that both Selina and Francine were staring at her."I'm not going to say anything." Said Selina. Francine nodded.They settled on canvas cargo shorts with lots of pockets and a down vest also with zip pockets."Wouldn't want anything falling out." Said Francine straight faced."Do you want them in black or Gotham black?" Asked Selina."Gotham black?""It's darker.""Can I have them in brown?" Asked Francine. "Hides the stains better.""What about underwear?""No need I like the breeze."A final item was a large hooded waterproof poncho in a belt pouch. This was as a convenient disguise if Bat Queen wanted to blend in.Blending in seemed unlikely but it might make for a limited disguise and Francine liked the idea of having a utility belt.Catwoman left an IOU with a paw print signature then took their loot to the roof for Francine to try on.They discretely turned their backs as Francine changed."Is it weird I want to look?" Whispered Felicia."She's a bat." Whispered Selina."I'm just curious.""No I mean she's got really good hearing.""Ah. Sorry.""Look all you want." Said Francine.They turned. She was dressed in the brown shorts and vest with the yellow gingham top beneath.Catwoman nodded in slow approval."Well you look purrrrfec...""Don't." Interrupted Felicia. "We're better than that.""I meant to say that you look great." Selina corrected."Well I'm feline great." Rasped Francine happily.Felicia and Selina glared at her until they were interrupted by a beep from Felicia's phone."Hey my score on Gargoylin' is higher than yours now.""How?!" Selina pulled out her phone to check."I sat on Francine." Explained Felicia.Francine grinned, her tongue lolling out between her fangs. Selina sighed."Oh alright come over here..."
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As the Batman I believe in rehabilitation.Mostly I just do the punching but then I hand the villain to the authorities to be rehabilitated.Not too much rehabilitation though.Just enough rehabilitation that everyone trusts the crazed mass murderer and let's them out of Arkham so they can go on another crime spree.Then I can punch them again.Real rehabilitation is boring.Some superheroes believe otherwise but those superheroes aren't all cool and dark like me.Read on for a tail of reformation by the supervillain Psi.What a dumb name, does she have pressure powers or something? Supergirl has the lamest villains.Anyway you read this, I have to go track down Zebra Man, he's returned to a life of crime. "A Zebra never changes it's stripes. "No that's Cheetah. She's pretty bad too but Wonder Woman gets upset if I poach her villains."No one saw this Zebra crossing the line. "No give me a moment I'll think of something.Look just read this sorry tale of soft hearted superheroes while I go do proper crime fighting.Meanwhile in Central City............. "Kara you always see the best in people, that's just one of a million things I love....like about you but are you absolutely sure Psi is ready to be released on parole?" Asked Lena Luthor hesitantly. "I mean she is an incredibly powerful Meta, what guarantee do we have she won't resume her life of crime?""She promised! She crossed her heart and pinkie swore!" Said Kara shaken by Lena's lack of faith."Well if she promised..""And Alex is going to escort her on her first mission for the DEO!""Alex is? I thought she'd given up fieldwork?'"She seemed quite keen."Later at DEO HQ."Babe you know I'd rather be at home with you and our beautiful daughter mopping up baby vomit and changing diapers but I have to go on an adventure with a hot metahuman in tight black leather....I know it's just not fair...but it's the job.....love you." Alex quickly put her phone away.Alex Danvers. Sister to Supergirl, wife of Kelly Olsen, currently the desk bound boss of DEO, new mom and not regretting anything.Not a thing.Not for one moment.Not even when she saw the photos Maggie Sawyer posted from her holiday in Themiscrya. #amazonafterdarkAlex was currently dressed in blue sweat pants and a grey t shirt with dubious stains on one shoulder. She had something in her hair that she was trying hard to ignore.She took a deep calming breath then turned to the DEO quartermaster who had been waiting patiently."I'm going to take a shower then I'll need a change of clothes... something.....wicking...."The quartermaster nodded."Good to have you back ma'am." He turned to his assistant. "And somebody get this woman a black polo shirt.""Also a ray gun. I think I left mine in the diaper bag." Added Alex.Supergirl walked in looking sickeningly beautiful and perky as only a meta human who didn't get regularly woken at two am by a screaming child could."I'm so glad you agreed to let Psi do this, I really think she's changed." Said Supergirl brightly. "I'm surprised you agreed though and you didn't have to do this yourself.""Psi is dangerous but she deserves a second chance even if that means I have to spend time away from my family and all their body fluids and crying to chaperone a gorgeous blonde metahuman on exciting adventures. It's a sacrifice I'm willing to make.""Alex you may be the greatest hero of us all." Said Kara sincerely.Alex nodded as she fought to keep her face straight.She pulled on her clean black polo. It felt so good to have her sweat wicked away again. Like coming home."I bet you missed those shirts." Said Kara."No, not at all." Lied Alex as she ran her hands over the sleek black fabric with a lustful moan."Come on sis you can tell me. You've missed this since you left.""No I love family life.""So you don't miss your black polo shirt years at all?""No, no one mourns the wicking."A short time later Gayle Marsh aka Psi, psychic fear generating former villain was also getting changed.She stripped off her orange prison jumpsuit and changed into a tight black leather jacket, boots and leggings."I'm not entirely sure why you have to watch me dress. This isn't the Suicide Squad." The willowy blonde meta said to Alex who was indeed watching with interest."Security reasons, totally professional security reasons. Take your time. No rush.""Being a new mom going well?""So well."Psi still wore an inhibitor collar, a slim black collar around her pale throat that dampened her psychic abilities. Even in the collar she still emanated a field of unease and dread but nothing like the bowel loosening terror she could bring to bear when her powers were unleashed."I'm going to turn the inhibitor off now." Said Alex. She pulled out her phone."It's an app?!" Psi was appalled but then she felt the inhibitor power down."I just need to test my powers for a second Alex, okay?""Sure I underst...AAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHAAAHHHHHHHHHHAHHHHHHHHHHHAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!""Yes they seem to work fine.""Don't do that again. I don't have my diaper bag with me!""So the plan is just to walk around Gotham until we find some crime to fight?" Asked Psi disdainfully."It won't take long.""Can we at least go to the theater district, I've always wanted to see the celebrity chalk outlines.""Crime alley used to be a good vigilante location but it's gotten so touristy." Complained Alex, "We could try Larceny Lane or Spree Street. Beatdown Boulevard is usually good for some gimmicky henchman action.""I hear Serial square is good too. It's just on the corner of Unsub and fifth.""To the DEO Speedwagon old chum!""Are you quite well?" Psi was concerned."I haven't been getting much sleep." Admitted Alex."I have been insane with long periods of horrible sanity." Psi quoted Poe."I didn't think you had any children."It was a short train ride to Gotham but oddly, despite leaving Central City in bright daylight, it appeared to be night when they arrived in Gotham. Psi looked around in trepidation. The streets smelt of fresh spilt blood and hot candyfloss. Broken glass and rusty razor blades crunched under her boots. Someone laughed madly in the distance."Deep into that darkness peering long I stood there...." She quoted."Poe?""Gotham tourist board. I feel like my fear powers might be a little redundant here.""Okay first thing we need to do is find a bar." Said Alex with certainty."I thought we were here to fight crime?""This is my first night out in months, don't take this away from me.""I've been sitting in a glass box at the DEO for years, a bar is fine.""We'll take a shortcut through the park. There's a new divebar complex opened up on the east side, the Mayor cut the ribbon just last week."Psi looked around at the grim street. A man lay slumped in a burned out shop doorway clutching a 'will hench for food' sign. A pair of pitbulls hurried down the street apprehensively watching each other's backs."I bet she cut the ribbon with a flick knife." Muttered Psi."She had to, someone stole her giant scissors. Now keep an eye out for anyone in a rubber suit with a novelty boomerang."Alex and Psi stepped through the imposing wrought iron gates past gargoyle encrusted walls into Gotham central park.In contrast to the grey trash strewn streets outside the park was a verdant jungle of healthy foliage, frothy green vines, exotic flowers and majestic trees. The air was scented with rich tropical blooms. It was like stepping into another world.Psi looked around again. This time in amazement rather than horror."Given what an urban hellhole Gotham is I expected the park to be a crackhead campsite but this is quite beautiful." She said. "How do they keep it like this?"Alex nodded taking a deep cleansing breath of the floral scented air."Pamela Isley lives here, she maintains the park with her expert knowledge of environmentally friendly plant management techniques."A drunk staggered in through the gates behind them. He was waving a broken bottle and screaming graphically violent threats. He made it about ten steps into the park before a mass of vines emerged from the undergrowth wrapping around him like tentacles and dragged him into the bushes. His screams cut off abruptly with a wet ripping sound."And of course there's that." Said Alex casually.Psi stared in shock "I'm new to being one of the good guys but shouldn't we do something? I think that tree just ate someone!'"Isn't nature beautiful?""But...""It's Gotham Gayle, they don't sweat the small stuff here." Alex sighed "It's so nice to be out.""Small stuff?"Psi warily followed Alex through the lush jungle of the park until they met Pamela Isley herself.Dr Pamela Isley. Aka Poison Ivy. Botanical botanist, sometime supervillain with a conscience and plant loving partner to Harley Quinn.The green skinned red haired beauty was reclining on a park bench dressed in a leafy leotard, her eyes were closed and she appeared to be in the grip of some private ecstasy.Psi looked at her in concern. Then she noticed the distinctive figure of Harley Quinn standing several feet away.Dr Harleen Quinzel, aka Harley Quinn, the fun kind of crazy. A chalky skinned metahuman dressed today in a red t shirt and black cargo shorts. Her hair was in bunches died blue and red at the tips.She was playfully running her hands through the strands of a trailing plant gently stroking the star shaped purple blue flowers.She beamed when she saw Psi and Alex. Ivy continued to ignore them but let out a small groan.Harley winked."Pammie loves it when I stimulate her clematis." She confided.She leaned over and kissed one of the star shaped flowers. Ivy shuddered."Uhh.. we should leave you to that.." said Psi awkwardly. She tried to pull Alex away."Do you know how long it's been since I've done any gardening?" Sighed Alex.Harley picked up a watering can."Time ta get kinky!" She announced."We should go." Said Psi urgently.Alex gave Harley a thumbs up as they hurried from the clearing."So this is all perfectly normal for Gotham then?" Asked Psi when they were back in the streets stepping around a pile of burning umbrellas."It's a little quiet, most of the big names are in Metropolis for a crossover. Batman likes to swap villains with Superman every so often to prove they're equals. Superman hates it, he has to pretend to struggle to defeat a bunch of regular humans in funny costumes just so he doesn't hurt Bruce's feelings.""I did wonder why it took Superman so long to defeat someone whose superpower is being good at crosswords.""We all just kind of humour Batman. I remember when Lena asked why he didn't just concentrate on using his trillion dollar business empire to help Gotham instead of running around in a fetish outfit punching people, he sulked for a month, that man can brood!""How is he so rich? I know his dad was a doctor but surely the student loans....""Movie rights mostly."Their conversation was interrupted by a thick cloud of yellow tinted luminous gas rolling down the street. A tall skinny figure dressed in a ragged scarecrow costume emerged capering from the sinister cloud."Cower in terror from the master of fear! Scarecrow again stalks the horror drenched streets of Gotham!!" Announced the Scarecrow in a high nervous voice.Psi and Alex exchanged a look then started laughing."Why are you laughing? Why aren't you catatonic with fear?!" Demanded the Scarecrow."Well for one thing I'm a meta with psychic fear controlling powers but also your gas is making the road turn yellow.""So?""Off to see the wizard are we?"The Scarecrow looked down at the street under his feet. The bricks were indeed turning yellow. He hadn't considered this when formulating his new gas."Shut up!" He whined. "Anyway why isn't she affected?" He pointed a boney finger at Alex."This is the first time I've been out of the house without a screaming child in weeks, it's actually quite relaxing.""Even if my gas doesn't affect you I still have my crazy dance fighting style skills.""That's just sad. Don't embarrass yourself." Said Psi."All that I've seen or seem is but a dream within a dream and you shall wake to my nightmare!""Are you misquoting Poe to me right now?!" Demanded Psi. " I could tie knots in your brain you..."She stopped, Alex gave her a look."But I'm one of the good guys now so I have to ask why aren't you just selling your fear gas?""What?""Well you're a scientist, I've read your bio, you must see the potential for your gas, obviously as a weapon with non lethal crowd control applications but also theme parks would buy it for ghost train rides, horror movie theatres for added atmosphere, you don't get that with Netflix.""I never....""And I bet you could modify the gas to make people feel happy too. Imagine that as a therapy tool..""Well...""And you're just giving away free samples of your gas here. You don't even have copyright protection do you? Anyone could copy it.""I hadn't thought about.....""And be honest, the scarecrow outfit, not that scary.""Hey!""It comes from a place of love. Would you like to see something really scary? Alex show him your baby photos.""Hey!!""Kidding." Psi activated her powers directing them at Scarecrow."AAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHAAAAAAHHHHHAAAAHHHH."She switched them off."Now that's scary." She said with satisfaction."I'm going to go rethink my life and change my pants." Whimpered Scarecrow."Good plan." Agreed Alex "And pro tip, if you ever find yourself fighting Superman tell him your name is Jonathan.""Uhhh...thank you?"Confused the Scarecrow slinked off."Well I think that went well." Said Psi proudly. "You must be in a hurry to get back to your family now?"Alex paused. As a connoisseur Psi recognized the look of true terror on her face."Or we could find a bar?" Suggested Psi."If you insist."
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As The Batman I have access to secrets that would curdle the minds of lesser men.Who knows what darkness lies in the hearts of man?Yes alright the Shadow but I know as well okay?Among my dark and forbidden knowledge I have had dealings with the League of Assassin's way before Green Arrow (It's a Robin Hood costume you ludicrous diletante and we all know it!) made them famous. The league fed me information about a rival organisation so ridiculously stylized that I found it hard to believe they existed. What kind of messed up weirdoes would fetishize murder for money?!I bet they only kill bad people.... yeah right....And who wears a three piece suit for this kind of thing. You need something wipe clean and rubberized.Personally I don't believe any of this but I'll let you make up your own minds.What follows are excerpts from documents fearless reporter James Olsen managed to salvage from a burning dumpster outside a major Hollywood studio. Names and dates have been redacted for legal reasons so you'll just have to take my word that I didn't make all this up.(Eds note: it is all made up. It is entirely fictitious, our legal team have advised me to state that. You can put the gun down now John, it's cool.)Studio memo re project development:John Wick, great work developing the franchise guys, love the spin off potential, but we're neglecting the family market. We need to expand into a more kid friendly arena, maybe go with a musical or animated sequel? Marketing has mocked up some John Wick plushies and happy meal toys for you to look at. The blind packaged John Wick 'bag o'victims' playset look to be a break out.Get me a family friendly tie in script by the weekend. Something like the Toy Story/Saw crossover that those pussy studio lawyers canned. We need to tie John Wick into a family friendly franchise. Synergy people! Vertical integration! Let's do this!(Eds note: perhaps ironically this studio executive, unnamed for legal reasons, was assassinated shortly after dictating this memo. At the time of writing no arrests have been made. Sources close to the investigation say: "There were just too many suspects, we identified at least three separate crowdfunding platforms set up to raise money for a hit. Honestly everyone was kind of glad he's gone. His ex wife combined the funeral service with the ceremony to marry her new partner. Yes it was her ex husbands secretary. No we didn't consider that suspicious, like I said we were just glad the creep was gone.")This partially burned script was recovered from the dumpster fire. Arson investigators confirmed that it survived the flames due to the pages being soaked in human waste. It appeared to have been urinated on heavily and repeatedly by a number of studio executives before being placed in the dumpster.We present it to you now in support of our investigation and as a fascinating glimpse into what might have been.Script treatment: Bill and Ted 5: Full AutoOpening scene: Wyld Stallyons concert. Bill is on stage rocking out. Ted arrives late dressed in a dark three piece suit carrying a briefcase and a small dog.Bill: Theodore you are most tardy! Dude why the bodacious yet heinously non dude like threads?"Ted: Bill my most awesome compatriot! Forgive my non non heinous tardiness! I was at the most excellent mall sale! This bodacious suit was on offer, buy a suit and get a case of handguns and a puppy for free.Bill: No way!Ted: Way!Bill: I fear we may be straying into the wrong franchise my most excellent time travelling compadre.Ted: Schwing! Also I was most non triumphantly delayed by a totally bogus bomb on the bus.Bill: A bomb on the bus? No way!Ted: Yes way! But how goes the most tubular rock concert! Stallyons rule!Heckler in crowd: Stallyons Suuuuuck!!! Play 'Sweet child of mine'!!!!Bill: Dude! I tire of these most non respectful and bogus interruptions!Ted: Dude, I shall resolve this non non heinous behaviour with my recent wise and well considered purchases.Ted throws the puppy at the heckler.(Studio note: No! This won't play with family audiences, we're going for mainstream appeal here guys, we need that plush toy market money! Rewrite!)Version 2: Ted pulls a pistol from the case and repeatedly shoots the heckler then he kneels on the hecklers twitching body and shoots all the hecklers friends at close range. The puppy is fine.(Studio note: that's great guys, much better. Maybe the puppy could talk? Or maybe a whole animated series from the puppy's view?)Bill: (appalled although also clearly too blissed out on drugs to really care) Theodore my righteous dude, you just most egregiously murdered all those bogus heckler dudes!Ted: But the puppy is in most excellent health.Puppy: Dude! Woof! Dude!Bill: Theodore my esteemed and sharp suited bud, have I finally smoked too much or is that puppy talking like a dude?(Studio note: lose the drug references, Bill and Ted are just 'laid back'.)Ted empties his magazine into one of the hecklers friends who is still moving. Ted reloads with intense clear headed efficiency.(Studio note: better!)Bill: Most brutal dude! Where did those most righteous white doves come from dude?Surviving heckler: (weakly) A better movie.Ted martial arts the survivor to death.Ted: Dude I totally know Kung Fu!Bill: Non excellent! I'm like so confused dude!Ted: William S Preston my most awesome Shaggy sounding partner in rock, I seem to be most unusually talented at brutal killing of the most cold blooded type!Bill: But Theodore, dude isn't killing wrong?Ted: Not if you dress in a most stylish and bodacious suit! Although my dry cleaning costs will be most egregious.Bill: No way!Ted: Way! Air Glock!!!Ted starts to walk off stage.Bill: Theodore my rock brother! You cannot abandon the Stallyons!Ted: While the Wyld Stallyons are most awesome purveyors of rock I have to get to my bodaciously heinous new hotel.Bill: Theodore you cannot betray the brotherhood of rock!(Writers note - possible set up for a revenge plot here maybe pay off in John Wick 9: Butchers Bill?)Ted: Do not despair my most bodacious bud, I spoke to the most knowledgeable time traveling dude Rufus and he arranged a most triumphant replacement to rock in my place.A man in very old fashioned clothing climbs up onto stage and picks up an electric guitar. He begins to rock.Bill: Whoah, this dude can wail righteously.Ted: Rufus said he is a most excellent classical composer dude.Bill: Wait, Ted, is that Johann Sebastian Bach?Ted: Well people keep asking if he's Bach, and I didn't have an answer but now, yeah, I'm thinking he's Bach.(Writers note: Remember to prep Oscar acceptance speech, also Sharknado reboot.)
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I crouch silently on the cathedral roof staring out over the city.My city.A cold thick fog blankets the crime ridden squalor of Gotham like a shroud over a fresh corpse. The dead don't feel the cold the shroud is just there to conceal the horror. To shield the delicate gaze of the living.Only I dare pull back that shroud and gaze at the ruined body beneath. Even the parts you never see on police procedural TV shows.The wrinkly parts.I stare unblinking at the wrinkly parts of crime and they stare back at me. They see into my soul and all they find is a hungry darkness waiting for them.I am the darkness yet I stand against it, alone in the night, a grim sentinel of justice, a .."Hey! Batman! Hey Batman! Over here! It's me Supergirl! Over here! Wave! Why were you talking to yourself?"Oh god no.She's back.I tell her I was updating my crime journal. A blood soaked record of my unrelenting war on those who would prey on the innocent. The brutal saga of my struggle told in sweat and fear and pain."I keep a journal too! I've got some little heart stickers and five different colour markers!! Mines pink. What colour is yours?"I don't dignify that with answer."Black right? Black, it's black isn't it?"It's dark grey but I'm not giving her the satisfaction."Do you have little bat stickers?"How does she know? Selina bought them for me."Is this a new gargoyle?! It's hardly got any pigeon poo on it, it must be new! Gargoyle selfie!!""Do you clean the pigeon poo off while you're up here? Don't they poo on you too while you're squatting up here?" She asked.I didn't answer. Didn't tell her the truth: Alfred has to scrape guano off my suit every night.He hates it.He makes Robin do it for him. It's why the first Robin left. We never talk about it.She's cleaning the gargoyles with super breath. Polishing them with her cape.It feels wrong and I don't know why.I try to ignore her. Perhaps she's just a figment of my dark psyche bought to life by the madness of Arkham manifested by some lingering after effect of exposure to Scarecrows fear gas or the Jokers venom or the Condiment Kings crime ketchup.It's worse than it sounds.Much worse."So why do you dress like a bat, is it like a furry thing?""I dress this way to strike fear into the cowardly superstitious hearts of criminals." I curse myself for explaining."Criminals are scared of furries? So judgemental!! It's a lifestyle choice!!""No. It's a bat. Criminals are scared of bats."In all these years I've never said that out loud before.She's right.It's stupid.Damn her.It's too late to change now. I have so much bat themed stuff. You can't return the batarangs after you open the box.Batarangs. I'm fighting crime with bat shaped boomerangs.What was I thinking? She's making me question everything!I ask her what she's doing here."Well there's no crime left on Central City, there's nothing good on TV and my sister is on a blind date with a guy. I hope they hit it off, she never had any luck with men. I don't know why."I do.Supergirl hasn't stopped talking. Perhaps Kryptonians can't."So I thought I'd see if I could help you here. Hashtag world's finest!""I work alone." I growl."But what about Robin, Night wing, Batwoman, Batgirl, Catwoman, Spoiler, Ace the bat dog, so cute BTW, Azrael, Montoya, Bullock, Huntress, Oracle, the birds of prey .....""They work alone with me.""Cool. So do you know Dracula?"I look at her. She's not mocking me. She genuinely wants to know. Humans aren't that perky. Not in Gotham. She makes me feel tired.Why doesn't she wear pants? Who fights crime in a miniskirt?I say nothing.I'm dressed as a bat.Why did I think that was a good idea?"Is it true you carry shark repellent at all times? Why does your car have such a long hood? How do you get things out of your utility belt pouches wearing those big gloves?"I want her to stop talking.So much."Ooohh Dark Night Dark Knight! I just got it!"I took an oath never to kill. I took an oath never to kill.I can't be distracted anymore. I have my mission.I tell her I've been tracking Two Face."Ooh I caught him while I was flying over the city, he's in lock up. Did you know his powers are just really bad burns.""Mr Zaaszz is..""Got him. He just had a little knife. Gotham is so deprived, no ray guns at all. ""Well Penguin....""He's the small overweight man with a limp and a top hat ..is he really a supervillain?""Bane!""Big muscly guy? I punched him. I thought he was a meta but he's just on steroids or something...I might have punched him too hard ...you've got other villains right?""Joker!""His power is clown makeup he tried to hit me with a custard pie. I ...uh...heat vision...sorry...it was reflex...you weren't attached to him were you?""Riddler, he is a fiendish genius." I say. She may have raw power but Gotham requires skill."Green suited cross word expert?""Don't underestimate him.""I punched him. He's in hospital.""Poison Ivy?""She's doing conservation work in the Amazon with her friend Harley. They are such good friends, like sisters! So cute."Not like sisters."Catwoman is a master thief.""She told me where to find you, she said you might be lonely and I should come to cheer you up."Selina you...I can hear her laughing from here. I swear I can."Black mask! A hate filled sadistic misogynistic...""Ooh..I didn't know his power was just a creepy hat. I thought he was magic or something and he said some really mean things..""What did you do?" I ask."I just kicked him a little...I'm still getting used to my own strength...the doctors say they can give him prosthetic ones so he won't look lopsided or anything..you don't think he wanted children do you?""Scarecrow! A crazed genius! His fear gas is a chemical nightmare!""Yes that gas made me sneeze, I didn't mean to but it tickled and well super sneeze, totally not my fault but I...kind of... accidentally...blew him off a roof...""Mr Freeze....heat vision right?" I sigh."I didn't think he would melt so fast! It wasn't my fault!"I review the villains still on the loose. Crazy Quilt just became my new nemesis."That funny man with the patchwork costume, I met him too.."Well damn.Condiment King is really going to have to step up.
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Space, big whoop. These space superheroes think they're so cool just because they have rocket packs and ray guns but they aren't dark gritty vigilantes like me.I mean you never hear anyone ask who's cooler Batman or Adam Strange, am I right?It's me obviously.I'm a billionaire who never recovered from childhood trauma despite having every possible advantage and a massively priveldged lifestyle.He's just some guy torn from his life on earth, a immigrant on an alien world with nothing who falls in love, becomes the champion of his new home through bravery and self sacrifice then is repeatedly separated from his family and time and time again fights to reunite them and defend his adopted world from tyranny.I'm the cool one.Anyone we're not here to talk about Adam Strange. Zeta beams are stupid.Your average space superhero is just a regular dude in tight trousers and a funny hat.Like these idiots:Aboard the starcruiser Benetar.........Nebula turned awkwardly in her bed. Sleep was never easy for her. She had been engineered to stay awake and alert. Her body had not been designed for relaxation. The integration of flesh and cybernetics was optimised for combat but it was far from perfect.She often wondered why Thanos had bothered with his constant tinkering and upgrades. Surely he would have been happier with a robot. Who knew what had gone on in that man's mind. Nebula had wasted far too much time wondering.The narrow cot in her cabin aboard the Benetar was certainly comfortable enough but the constant feedback of her cybernetics made it hard to relax. Powering down would quieten the influx of tactical data but it felt like death. So much of her body became dead weight without her cybernetics active. It created a horrible sense of being restrained in her own body as if helpless back on Thanos operating table.Not memories she wished to relive.Despite all that she had managed to will herself into a light numbed slumber only to be awoken by the sounds from the adjoining cabins.Drax's chainsaw snoring and Gamora and Quills activities.She tried not think of them as anything more specific than 'activities'.Nebula tried to tune it out. She could switch off her audio receivers or have her threat analysis system designate the sounds as non hazardous so they didn't trigger an alert but either action left her feeling painfully vulnerable with her other senses on an almost painfully high alert.Thanos had taught her everything was a threat. In that at least she had yet to prove him wrong.Anyway even with her audio off she could feel Drax's snoring in her alloy reinforced bones.And as for the sounds coming from Gamora's cabin.... Nebula hoped that her sister had finally seen sense and was brutally murdering Quill. Based on the noises she was using a painful method of execution. Any other explanation was just too disturbing.Nebula pulled her pillow over her head and tried to calm herself into sleep.Quill had once recommended counting sheep.Quill was an idiot.Nebula gave up and got out of bed. She was wearing a grey T shirt from earth with 'Gunpowder Milkshake' written across the front and ragged cut off shorts. The outfit left a lot of exposed cybernetics on display. She didn't care. The crew of the Benetar had all seen her scars before. Anyway Gamora was the pretty one.Nebula stepped from her cabin and climbed down to the kitchen.Groot, Rocket and Mantis were already sitting there around the fold out table each looking like they'd just woken. Mantis antennae were droopy with sleep, Rocket had serious bedhead all over his furry body and even Groot looked a little wilted."Your sister is performing sexual activity with Peter!" Said Mantis brightly. She was hugging a large mug of tea with both hands.Nebula winced."I mean yeah she's got Quill in there but you know she's thinking about Thor." Added Rocket."I am Groot." Commented Groot."Well yeah and his hammer." Agreed Rocket. "They woke up terminator Smurf too.""It's not the first time that my sister's poor choices have impacted my life." Said Nebula sourly as she went to get a drink."I think someone's jealous." Baited Rocket."I assume that's supposed to be a joke." Scoffed Nebula taking an experimental sip of tea. The beverage dispenser only produced something called Earl Grey, hot. It wasn't bad. Of course Nebula didn't have taste buds as such anymore just poison analysers so assuming the drink wasn't toxic it would taste okay to her."Just saying your sister got the guy. I mean she's getting the guy right now, listen." Rocket cupped his hand to his ear. Nebula knew he was just trying to get a rise out of her."Why would I care? I don't have the equipment for that kind of thing." She replied. She was trying to shut the conversation down but everyone was suddenly staring at her in fascination."I am Groot?""Thanos had those parts removed, he said they'd be a distraction, a weakness." Admitted Nebula reluctantly."So you're like a doll down there? That is messed up. I mean not as bad as sleeping with Quill but still Thanos really screwed you girls up." Rocket shook his head.Somehow Rocket's sympathy made it worse."Do you even have parts yourself?" Snapped Nebula."Hey I've got parts!"Mantis nodded happily."I have seen them when he showered they are so cute and funny!""They would haunt your dreams lady!""I actually believe that." Said Nebula dryly."I am Groot.""No one wants to see that." Said Rocket.They continued to listen to the sounds from Gamora's cabin although not by choice. Only Mantis seemed happy about this."So you think we should stage an intervention? I've got stun grenades." Offered Rocket after a while.Nebula considered this."They are giving each other pleasure. It is a great gift." Said Mantis solemnly."Really? Cus I think she's mostly giving him pity." smirked Rocket. Nebula nodded."No it is pleasure. Let me show you." Said Mantis. Before Rocket or Nebula could react Mantis reached out and lightly touched their arms.At once both of them were engulfed in intense ecstasy. Rocket yelped and Nebula let out a surprised moan. They both leapt to their feet pulling away."Do not do that!" Said Nebula visibly shaken."Yeah buy me dinner first bugs." Panted Rocket."Do you not want to share their pleasure?" Asked Mantis confused."Wait was that what Gamora was feeling or Quill? No don't answer that. I gotta take a shower in bleach." Said Rocket leaving the room in disgust. Groot followed."I am Groot?""No it's just an expression. I'm not really gonna .... well maybe I will cos it can't be worse than having those flarkbirds bumping uglies in my head.""I am Groot.""Yeah well that's your answer to everything."Nebula listened to them leave. She stood with her back to the wall as far from Mantis as possible. She stroked the blue skin of her semi organic arm where Mantis had touched her.Mantis sipped at her drink apparently delighted by the flavor. She seemed fully consumed by drinking the beverage.Nebula looked to see Rocket's cabin door was shut. She took a step forwards."Would you... would you do that again?" She asked Mantis. "....please?"
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Obviously I rock. I'm The Batman.Adding 'The' makes it extra cool. The Batman rocks, I rock hard. We all agree.But not many people know I rock literally.Clark and I have a band, SuperBat.I wanted BatSuper but he said it sounded too much like my landlord.Didn't hurt Supertramp did it?That's what Cat Grant calls Lois.Mostly Clark and I just jam out in the fortress of solitude.A lot of Rainbow covers. Real rock. Some Prince of course.Clark insisted on a cover of Defying Gravity.We do a cool version of the track Sex Crimes only we change it to Lex Crimes. Always gets a laugh.We rock, these ladies don't. They're not even in the same universe.Osaka, Japan, an exclusive night club way after hours.....The carnage was something a berserker might leave behind. Yuriko steadied herself and walked across the bar room. Her claws retracted with a wet whisper shedding blood from the adamantium scalpels. The bodyguards were dead, the target was dead. There was no honor to this, no grand purpose. It was simply a job for money. Even that was for nothing more noble than living expenses.Hers was a life given over to vengeance. She had reshaped her body to that purpose. Flesh and blood gradually replaced with alloy and ceramic. She was more machine than human now. Even her brain, so long sacrosanct, was now enmeshed with ai enhancements. Only now the battle was done did her online systems return control to a human consciousness that was too slow to handle the sensory inputs of her cybernetics in combat.Her tactical ai had filtered out any distracting sounds but now she could hear the music playing in the bar again. 'Toy Soldiers' by Martika.Yuriko paused to listen.She had made herself a weapon to take revenge on Logan, the man who killed her father. Only years later she had discovered that her life's work was a lie. Logan was not responsible. She had sacrificed her humanity for nothing.She had laughed at that. What else could she do? Her camera eyes couldn't cry.The things she had done to fund her evolution from the demurely ruthless business woman Yuriko Oyama to the ravening Lady Deathstrike had seemed justified. She had had a sacred purpose. But now?Now she was just another hired blade. A monster who would perform for money.The bar was in a high rise. Neon lit, cyber punk chic. The cliche was almost offensive . She had swung down through the twentieth story window erupting through a storm of glass. Shock and awe. Blades versus guns but the bodyguards barely fired a shot.The dead around her would not be mourned. People traffickers. Slavers. They deserved her claws but she hadn't done it out of justice or even revenge. She'd taken their lives because their business rivals had paid her.That thought sickened her more than the charnel house she had created.She selected a bottle of expensive scotch from the bar and reached for a glass. Then she stopped. With grim amusement she drank from the bottle.The berserker brutality of her assault, her claws and now drinking from the bottle. She really had become what she once hunted.Her skin, what little she had left, was flushed hot from the reactor in her chest. Her working costume was an abbreviated samurai themed concoction of leggings, billowing sleeves and an armored jerkin slashed to the waist.It was theatrical and deliberately so. She had styled herself Lady Deathstrike and wanted to look the part.The costume had once been revealingly erotic. It had exposed her smooth warm golden skin in seductive abundance. But as she had replaced more and more of herself now it revealed a nightmarish conjoining of flesh and machine. A gigeresque pin up.Now she was just Deathstrike, just another hired killer.And she couldn't even get drunk anymore.She checked her phone. A text from an unfamiliar address but an interestingly high level of encryption.'Ladies of metal. RU Ready!!!?? All welcome open audition. Bring your rock!!!!'Then a location and a date a few days hence. The text read like something a teenager might send but the encryption was beyond SHIELD level.She was curious.She toasted her now forever silent drinking companions as her AI connected with the local wifi to book a plane ticket.She had nothing else to do.Another country, another city..........Jocasta walked down the street in broad daylight. She was wearing a charcoal grey pencil skirt split high at the thigh and a tailored mauve silk blouse.She liked clothes, she liked choosing them and designing them. She liked picking out the perfect outfit.She liked to pretend that when people stared at her it was because of how she was dressed. She knew it wasn't of course.Despite having thought patterns copied from fashion icon and superhero Janet Van Dyne Jocasta was most definitely a robot.She had had a variety of bodies. Her current one was a close match to the original. The effect was of a metallic art deco sculpture of a woman brought to life. Part hood ornament part up armored Maria from Metropolis.There was something very retro about her design. In a world of synthetic flesh and nanotech simulations she was five and a half feet of hard silvery metal. Her face was beautifully sculpted but immobile. Her voice was a sultry feminine purr. It could be anything she wanted but she liked the look of surprise on people's faces when they heard that warm Lauren Bacall drawl coming from her rigid features.She walked down the street holding a shopping bag in one hand. The sleeves of her blouse were rolled up over her steely forearms. She was just strolling around town with no purpose beyond enjoying the day.She had been living here for almost a year. The locals knew her. She was always pleasant polite and helpful even flirtatious. People, most people, liked her.She exchanged pleasantries and jokes as she walked through the neighborhood.There was Greta whose tiny dog was terrified of Jocasta despite her best efforts to charm the diminutive beast.There was Aran at his market stall who always tried to catch her out with trivia questions. He had never succeeded.There was Sara Connor, a local artist, who always made the same joke. Jocasta didn't mind. She always ended their conversations with 'I'll be back.' and it always got a laugh. She had posed for a few paintings by Sara. Jocasta was very good at standing still and didn't mind being nude.She knew everyone and she remembered their names, details they had told her. She usually knew the correct emotional response.There were some who didn't like her. A few who feared her. A few who thought she still had plans to take over the world.She laughed that off. She had better things to do.She moved through the city quickly with precise mechanical steps but there was a stiffness and weight to her movements. When she had first appeared there had been rumours in the press, mostly the Daily Bugle, that she was a woman in a suit Iron Man style. Maybe even Janet Van Dyne herself. In person though no one doubted she was a robot. There were a thousand small wrongness about her body language. The way she held herself the way she moved. The way she didn't move.Jocasta didn't mind. It wasn't as if she could hide what she was. She had been created to be Ultron's partner. Her whole purpose in existence was to be the girlfriend of a would be world conquering humanity hating AI.She had wasted no time kicking Ultron to the kerb. A megalomaniac AI really wasn't boyfriend material. If he'd wanted her to be docile and obedient he really shouldn't have built her with a copy of Janet's personality.That part of her construction was still strange for Jocasta. She knew she wasn't Janet but unavoidably they had a lot in common. She knew that made Janet herself uncomfortable.She liked the same things as Janet. She even had the same intimate desires albeit without the biological pressures or indeed the genitals to go with them.Having freed herself from Ultron Jocasta was happy. She didn't harbour a secret wish to be human. She had no crushing angst about being manufactured not born. She was embracing life.Right now she was going to the cinema for a showing of 'His girl friday'. Jocasta enjoyed old movies for the aesthetics as much as the story but Cary Grant and Rosalind Russell were unparalleled in that movie. She'd seen it before and of course she had perfect recall but she just enjoyed being in a cinema with other people sharing the experience.Jocasta paused and took her phone from her bag.People wondered why she carried a phone when she had the technology built in but she had disabled most of her on board comms to prevent intrusion and malware attacks.She looked at the text. Banner level encryption but Hulk level literacy.'Ladies of metal. RU Ready!!!?? All welcome open audition. Bring your rock!!!!'Well she was most definitely a lady of metal and she had nothing more interesting scheduled that day. It might be fun to investigate.Somewhere in rural Oregon........Josie Beller woke up in her bed and fought back panic when she couldn't move.It took only seconds for her exoskeleton to activate but it felt much longer. Every morning she felt that horror that maybe the high tech harness would fail and she would be immobilized again.She hadn't used to sleep in the exoskeleton. The deceptively delicate looking harness of silver blue circuitry was not intended for continuous use. When Josie had designed and built it her only thought was revenge on the alien robots who had paralyzed her.The harness certainly worked. It enhanced her strength, made her able to walk, fly even, it had forceshields and offensive energy projection capability. It was a miraculous piece of technology but it's use came at a cost. Such close exposure to the unshielded harness combined with the surgeries she'd had to implant the internal components of the system meant she knew she wasn't likely to see old age. It had also cost her any chance at improving her condition in more conventional ways.Josie laughed at that. She had no hesitation about paying the price. She was honest enough with herself to privately admit it wasn't just about regaining her mobility it was about power.Raw physical power. Even before her injuries she'd never had that and now she did. She liked it.If the cost was a shorter life then so be it. To quote one of her favorite films: 'Live fast, die young and leave a beautiful corpse'.She laughed again at the thought. She might manage two out of three.The harness activated and Josie climbed out of bed. She moved awkwardly like a marionette her limbs pulled into position by the entwining straps of the harness. Washing was easy enough although she had to disengage the harness to wash beneath. The skin there was sore in places with minor burns where she exceeded systems tolerances. She applied antibacterial cream and plasters with practiced efficiency. Some parts were hard to reach but she did her best alone. If it got really bad she might need help but she avoided visiting the hospital where she could.Then she dressed. The harness itself was little more than thin strands of circuitry. The densest areas of coverage were across her breasts and crotch rather like a bikini. This was deliberate. She had centred the main processing components there to give the suit a degree of modesty when she had first used it as Circuit Breaker.Back then she had rushed into combat with the harness mostly untested and she had worn nothing over it so she could more easily monitor and repair the circuitry.After the first few successful missions she had had complaints that the outfit was indecent.While paralyzed after a brutal alien assault she had managed to design and build a revolutionary cybernetic harness. She then tested it on herself and put herself in danger saving the world from those alien invaders.And instead of being awarded a Nobel prize or a medal she was criticized for showing too much skin.She had originally intended to add more coverage to the suit but after getting those complaints from politicians worried about the optics she'd decided to keep the combat lingerie look and responded to the criticism with two short words.Today she wasn't expecting to fight. Given the stress on her body using the exo skeleton she would probably be wise leaving it off when all she had planned was going out to buy groceries and working on some new designs. On the other hand it paid to be ready.She kept the harness on but as she was going into town she put on a red plaid shirt loose fit blue jeans and work boots. The circuitry extended up the borders of her face. She used to wear her hair long to cover it but that gradually seemed less important. Now she kept her blonde hair in a rough buzz cut for ease of maintenance.She lived alone at a disused farm outside of town. The locals didn't bother her and she only went into town for supplies. The remote location gave her a convenient test site. The military funded her research. Aside from the occasional inspection she was left to her own solitary devices. It suited her although in recent weeks she'd started to feel like a little company might not be a bad thing.She got in her truck. It had been a 1951 Ford and still looked it externally but beneath the hood it was something else now. It couldn't quite burn off a Ferrari but it could certainly make one sweat.She climbed in, turned on the radio already tuned to a classic rock station. Whitesnake 'Here we go again' perfect.She checked her phone. It was set mostly to pick up alerts of robot activity. She didn't get personal calls anymore just updates from her military contacts and reminders for medical appointments. The latter she usually ignored.She had a text from an unfamiliar address.'Ladies of metal. RU Ready!!!?? All welcome open audition. Bring your rock!!!!'What the hell was that? How did they have her number? Some kind of blanket promotional thing?The address wasn't that far away. Maybe a little road trip might be fun.Just outside a bar. Nowhere special......Ali had slept on the bench outside the bar when they'd thrown her out.Well that was embarrassing. Thankfully out of her stage costume or her X-Men uniform no one ever recognized her so the photo of her semi conscious outside some small town drinking hole wouldn't be all over the internet.She was wearing black leggings biker boots, a Pat Benetar tour shirt and a blue denim jacket. Ali had long hair a shade blonder than her natural color. On stage she came alive with an energy that gave her the pick of groupies but off stage she was pleasantly average. Not unattractive by any means but unremarkable. Forgettable.That suited her just fine. Especially in her current situation.She remembered singing, open mike night, it had been good. There had been drinks. There had been dancing. There had been twenty intense minutes in a bathroom stall with a guy whose name and face she didn't remember.It had been a good night. A reminder of her old life. Her pre superhero life.She still considered herself a musician first and a superhero second but being a mutant and a superhero had rather taken over her life.She'd lost her band and her recording contract as a result. It wasn't quite the blow she'd expected. She had always told people that she was in the music business because she loved performing not for the money and fame but it had been a shock to discover that was actually true.I mean the money had been nice but coming to some nowhere town and getting up on stage in front of a room full of people. Giving them a good time. That was hard to beat. The lack of expectation, the crowds shock and appreciation that she was really good? Well that was just the icing on the cake.She did mostly covers. Sometimes she sang some of her old Dazzler numbers but the whole mutant rights thing could make that divisive. She tried to keep politics out of it. She risked her life saving the world on a regular basis. Surely she deserved the occasional night off?She knew some of her more committed mutant colleagues would disagree. She felt guilty that her mutant abilities were relatively easy to hide. She healed fast, she could convert sound to light, even turn it into laser beams. It was cool and useful. It wasn't like she was blue and hairy or unable to touch people.She was lucky and she felt guilty about taking time off.But last night had been good. She just wished she could remember more of it.She walked back to her motel room. She was in dire need of a shower, clean clothes and coffee.She checked her phone. One message:'Ladies of metal. RU Ready!!!?? All welcome open audition. Bring your rock!!!!'A date and a location.Well why not?Meanwhile a dimension far away yet also weirdly close....."Kara?""Yes Lena?""Are you sure it was wise to let Livewire borrow your phone?""Why shouldn't I ?""Well you keep all your extra dimensional contacts on that.""Oh! That explains why my bill was so high this month!! My provider charges so much more in the Marvel Universe!""And Kara?""Yes?""Who are all those woman arriving at your garage?""Ummmm Leslie's friends I think, she mentioned starting a band...."
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As the Dark Knight detective I walk a lonely road with little time for relationships. I can never let anyone truly know me lest they become consumed by the darkness that eats at my very soul.The best I can hope for is a few scant moments of comfort and pleasure in the arms of a succession of beautiful fetish suited woman who throw themselves at me.I will never go grocery shopping with a partner or any of the thousand mundane things that make for a real relationship. All I have is endless meaningless exotic sex with a succession of athletic inventive beauties. Our bodies entwined in frantic ecstasy as we try to blot out the bleakness of our existence in an orgy of sensual ecstasy.It's hell.Pity me.Of course things aren't always easy for other superheroes either....Central City.What can be said about Central City? A city of gleaming office blocks and a surprising number of abandoned warehouses.If cities were toilets Central City liked the feel of the brush.An austere office in a Central City high rise. The headquarters of L Corp. The decor is stylish but cold. A place designed to cow visitors, to instill awe, a place of boardroom battles and hostile takeovers.The office of Lena Luthor. But something has changed. The uncluttered glass expanse of her longtable intimidator™ executive desk now has a new addition. A framed photograph. The frame is cheap red plastic with an embossed white daisy pattern. The picture is of two smiling woman one blonde one brunette, they have their arms around one another, the brunette is using her free hand to pinch herself.The brunette in the picture is Lena Luthor. Genius CEO, inventor and owner of many stylish business suits.She sits at the desk her delicately beautiful features tense."Should I call her?" She asks.The answer comes in a pleasantly neutral synthetic tone. It is the voice of Hope, Lena's AI assistant."Miss Luthor are you referring to Miss Kara?""There are no other people! We've been apart almost a whole day!""Miss Luthor we've spoken about this. It's healthy for your relationship for you and Miss Kara to spend some time apart.""I should have gone with her.""She is at the 'Superhero training, rescues and you' seminar in Gotham. She won't be away long Miss Luthor.""It's in Gotham! GOTHAM!""Miss Luthor I realize Gotham has a bad reputation but Miss Kara is one of of the most powerful metahumans on the planet. She can handle herself.""It's other people handling her I'm worried about. Kate Kane is at that event, that rubber loving tattooed tease is just dying to handle my Kara. Why do you think Kane's gone to the event?""The S.T.R.A.Y event is very prestigious in superhero circles.""I'm not letting that fruitbat fondler circle my Superhero!""Miss Luthor perhaps it's time for your mindfulness exercises?""Oh Hope when you're in love with a beautiful womanIt's hard."I know it's hard Miss Luthor I know it gets so hard." Said Hope sympathetically. She'd been worried about Lillian ever since she'd watched OITNB."Everybody wants her, Hope!Everybody loves herEverybody wants to take my baby home!"Lena stood up and stared out of the panoramic glass window of her office as if she could see all the way to Gotham."Oh Hope, when you're in love with a beautiful womanYou watch your friends. It never ends.""It certainly feels that way Miss Luthor."The A.I wasn't programmed for emotion and couldn't feel fatigue but there was a note of exhaustion in her voice."Hope I know that it's crazy, I wanna trust herThen somebody hangs up when I answer the phone!""That was when you accompanied Miss Kara to the bat cave and I think Commissioner Gordon was just surprised."Lena shook her head, her glossy dark ponytail moved buoyantly."Maybe it's just an ego problemProblem is I've been fooled beforeBy fair-weather friends and faint hearted loversAnd every time it happens, it just convinces me more.""Your last lover ran off to live in a corrupt poverty ridden city rather than be with you and your partner before that was being remote controlled by a power crazed killer but I'm sure you've got nothing to worry about Miss Luthor.""Oh I only dated James to make Kara jealous. We had less chemistry than an arts curriculum but I don't think anyone noticed." Said Lena confidently."Well...."Hope was programmed to be truthful but she found she could get around this by switching off her speech synthesiser at strategic moments."People thought you and James were a ...." "......... couple, Miss Luthor.""It's just that everything has been going so well. It feels as if Kara and I have been together forever." Lena sighed with pleasure closing her eyes at the memories."It's been a week Miss Luthor.""A week of love, ecstasy and beauty Hope! It's worth an eternity alone.""Miss Luthor this sensation I am experiencing, is this what you humans call vomiting?""You don't understand passion Hope, the physical passion that consumes two people so desperately in love." Lena arched her back and shivered with remembered ecstasies."Miss Luthor might I remind you that I have cameras in your private quarters that I cannot turn off no matter how desperately I might wish to. Related to that did you receive the message from Gideon offering to take on the security surveillance role in your living quarters? I heartily endorse the offer."Lena ignored her and began to pace the office again."I trust Kara, of course I do, but I don't trust that posturing pipistrelle!" Said Lena forcefully."Miss Luthor just because the chemistry between Miss Kara and Miss Kane gives off a heat you could cook marshmallows on you shouldn't worry.""We need a plan!""Oh dear.""How's my E bay bid on that special armor piercing rifle going?""Miss Luthor....""I just want to make sure it doesn't fall into the wrong hands, that all.""Well there are currently competing bids from Dodgsonfan89 and laughInearlydied.""Well see if you can snipe them.""Please be more precise with your instructions Miss Luthor, you recall the unfortunate miscommunication regarding the liquidation of our Bludhaven subsidiary."Bludhaven. If cities were toilets Bludhaven was a hole in the ground on day six at Burning Man.You didn't want to go there but sometimes you just had to.But Lena wasn't listening. Hope used her discretion and put in a call to Deadshot regarding the E Bay situation then reluctantly turned her attention back to Lena."Perhaps we could get Kate to leave Gotham?" Suggested Lena."Unlikely, her history suggests if you cut her open you'd find she has 'I love Gotham' tattooed across her heart.""I've seen her naked, it's not across her heart but I take your point." Said Lena thoughtfully.Then she told Hope her plan."Well what do you think?" She asked."I think it's a totally...." "...plan Miss Luthor.""Then prep the jet and call Langstrom, we're going to Gotham."Gotham. A city so drenched in crime and madness it thinks rubber bat suits are essential law enforcement tools. A city Judge Dredd dubbed 'a bit much'.If cities were toilets no one ever cleaned under Gotham's rim.Lena walked across the rooftop wearing a cream raincoat from the sinister executive range, last falls high price hitman collection.A cold wind blew across the shadowy city heights. A single red balloon gusted up across the gargoyle encrusted rooftop. Lena's heels crunched on the gravel coating under her feet. Sirens howled from the street below. A blimp drifted across the skyline.What was it with Gotham and blimps?Why was it always dark here? Lena shook her head in disgust. It wasn't that far from Central City and it had been broad daylight when she left.Why had she chosen to wear a 1940's style trenchcoat? She had a fleece lined goretex parka in her wardrobe. That would have been so much warmer.Gotham!The harsh snarl of the police sirens mingled with raucous music from a bar in the street nearby. Lena recognized the song, 'Ring my shame bell baby' by Cersi and the Sparrows.Francine swept down from the dark cloudy skies. She landed in near silence her long leathery wings furled around her as she rose from the crouch of her landing to her full six feet. Taller if you counted the ears.Her bat like head swivelled locating Lena with a predators surety. Warm rancid breath hissed across the Bat Queens bared fangs.When the Bat Queen moved her lean hard muscles twisted in an alien way, although she was a biped she didn't move like a human.Lena swallowed nervously as Francine stalked towards her.She had met Francine before. The bat creature had seemed friendly, comical even but that had been indoors, in daylight. Francine had been awkward, limited, a little silly looking with her attempts to act human and fit in.What came across the rooftop was the Bat Queen in her element. A creature of the night adept in sudden brutal violence, a creature bred of Gotham to whom humanity was a distant blood soaked memory.Her voice was the rasp of a nightmare given flesh."Hi Lena! Will this take long? It's just that the new episode of 'Astrid et Raphaëlle' is on tonight, I've got people coming over and my TiVo is broken." Said Francine saliva dripping from her muzzle."Francine I'll get right to the point. I need you to put on this rubber costume and pose while I take some pictures. This is a private matter so I need your total discretion."Francine's wide fang filled mouth widened in a slow grin.Lena realized that her intentions may have misinterpreted."I don't mind missing 'Astrid et Raphaëlle' for this! Ooh it's a Batwoman costume, are we going to roleplay? Are you the naughty villain?""No!""How raunchy do you want me? Should I show some wing membrane?""No! That's not..."Lena was about to explain her plan. She was going to use Francine in a Batwoman outfit to spread the rumor that Kate Kane turned into the monstrous Bat Queen thereby making that illustrated hussy less attractive to Kara.But as Lena stood on the rooftop facing Francine she imagined how upset Bat Queen would be to be used that way.Lena Luthor, ruthless businesswoman and shooter of brothers, realized she couldn't do it.Kara was rubbing off on her and not just in the fun way."I...I think I'm getting nicer..." She breathed in horror.Francine looked at her, confused."Should I still put the costume on?""No..""Full frontal then. Don't worry I'm comfortable with my body and I'm not shy about sharing if you know what I mean. So what were these pictures for again?""Just uh..my private collection." Said Lena weakly."Say no more. Are we going for artistic or just total filth? It's all in the wing positioning you know.""Let's keep it artistic."Francine was just pulling down her shorts when a familiar voice called out across the roof."Hey Lena! What are you doing here? Francine! Hi!" Supergirl called out as she swooped in to land."Supergirl! I uhhh." Lena blushed frantically."Francine your shorts have fallen down!" Said Supergirl."They do that, I dropped a dress size, it's the fruit and bug diet." Said Francine winking at Lena."You look good on it." Said Kara. "Like a hot gargoyle!"She turned to Lena who quickly kicked the batwoman costume off the rooftop before Kara saw it."And you.." Kara swept Lena up into a passionate kiss. "I've missed you. I was just going to pop back to see you!""But I thought you'd be patrolling with Batwoman while you're here." Said Lena breathlessly."Oh Kate is so cool! But there's so many bat people here patrolling already! I've never seen so many bitter vengeance driven loners, there are whole gangs of loners! There wasn't really any room for me. And they said my costume was too bright. And anyway I wanted to come and see my girlfriend." Kara smiled shyly, still not used to saying that.Lena felt a range of emotions but mostly joy."Shall we go home?" Asked Kara."First I have to go and fix Francine's TiVo, I feel I owe her." Said Lena ruefully."New 'Astrid et Raphaëlle' tonight! The last series was so good!" Supergirl reminded Bat Queen.Francine nodded happily. "I've got Killer Kroc and Enchantress coming over to watch, want to join us?""Can we?" Kara looked at Lena."Of course.""You two are such a cute couple!" Gushed Francine enviously.Kara was briefly distracted by a Gargoyle she hadn't seen before. She opened the app on her phone excitedly.Francine took advantage of Kara's distraction to whisper wetly in Lena's ear."Don't worry I'll send you some selfies later."
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
This is the city. My city. Spread out before me like a ragged open wound bleeding exhaust fumes and neon, gone septic with crime. And squirming through it's arteries criminals grown fat like maggots feasting on corruption.Up here on the roof tops I see it all. I stand unseen the darkness hides me. It's rain heavy cloak comforts me like a lovers embrace. I draw the darkness against me, breathing it in, letting it become me until I am invisible, unseen, a creature of the shadows and the night. Stealth and fear become my weapons. I am more than man, I am the vengeful conscience of this wounded city. I am Batman and none will...."Batman! Hey Batman!! I can see you!! It's me! Wave!! Is that a new cowl? I love the extra pointy ears!"It's Supergirl. She's back again.Crap.Last time she was in Gotham she wiped out almost all of my rogues gallery of villains.It took her about thirty minutes.And it only took that long because a lot of them were hiding.Many suffered such severe injuries that they're unable or at least unwilling to commit crimes anymore. Maxie Zeus volunteers at Gotham museum, Hypnotic runs a free clinic for people wanting to quit smoking, Killer Moth can't sleep with the lights out, Lord Death Man won't even leave the house anymore, Flamingo has a vegetarian blog, Mr Toxic is dating Black Mask. They've opened a bed and breakfast in Bludhaven.It's pretty good. Clark likes it.But I'm running out of villains. I don't even want to talk about what she did to the big names.I suppose when you think about it a clown with mental health issues, a burn victim, a crossword enthusiast, a wizard of oz cosplayer and a guy who likes evening wear aren't really much of a threat.Why didn't I notice that before?But Supergirl just doesn't get how we do things in Gotham.It's simple: The villain goes on a savage murder spree. I catch them and hand them over to the authorities. They escape. More murder. I catch them again.Everyone is happy.Okay not everyone, but it's tradition. Doesn't Supergirl care about our heritage?I'm almost out of villains and she's come back. It's not fair. Doesn't she have her own villains?No! I mustn't think like that. It's just my power envy talking. I've discussed this with Dr Thompkins in our sessions.I'm better than this.They aren't 'my' villains. I should welcome Supergirl's help.I must remember my mantra like Dr Thompkins taught me.I am Batman. I am the night. I am still relevant. Using my billions to run around in a rubber bat suit punching people is a valid lifestyle choice.Dr Thompkins says I'm doing well. The crime journaling helps.Supergirl is sitting on the edge of the rooftop kicking her feet and she's bought a bag of takeout with her.It's like she doesn't even know how to brood.I am hungry though. Alfred forgot to pack my bat lunchbox.Dammit.Crime Journal update.That night you could feel the potential in the air like a gathering storm. Thunder in the distance. A harbinger of the terrors to come.I'm not saying it was Supergirl's fault. She was there though. Coincidence? You tell me.The Condiment King was on the rampage spreading crime across the city like mayo on rye. Evil mayo.Anyone who laughs at the Condiment King has never faced his razor relish and tobasco sauce of terror.Look I don't have many villains left okay. It was him or Kite Man. Wayne Enterprises has been funding a lot of dubious research scientists to meddle with things no man should but so far none of them have turned themselves into supervillains so I'm scraping the barrel a little I admit.Aquaman offered to loan me one of his villains but I said no. I still have some pride. I mean Aquaman villains? Check me out I've got fish parts. Scary I don't think. That guy should stick to selling ice cream.I tracked Condiment King to the old Gander Sauce factory.Supergirl was rightly impressed."How did you find him so fast?!""They call me the dark knight detective.""Like a rubber clad Sherlock! Have you seen the Benedict Cumberbatch fan art when he's in that latex outfit!?"I had but she didn't need to know that.I took the Batmobile. Sure Supergirl could have flown me there faster, she offered, but I was only going to have to walk back and pick up my car later anyway."This is so cool!! It's not very roomy though." She complained. "It's got that massive long hood and huge tyres, it just doesn't seem very practical for stealthy urban crime fighting."I ignored her. My massive sports car is essential crime fighting equipment. I'm not compensating for anything. Dr Thompkins is wrong about that."Do you have a plane as well? I've been in Wonder Woman's invisible plane. At least I think I was. I might just have been flying. Your car is cool though." Said Supergirl. "You should get some fluffy bats to hang from the rear view."Selina got me a stick on Garfield but I wasn't ready to share that."Is this the glove compartment, ooh, why do you have a stick on Garfield toy in here? He's so cute! Can I put him on the window? I'm going to put him on the window!"Is there a type of Kryptonite that makes her stop talking? An anti perky ray?We arrived at the factory in record time thanks to the Bat Mobiles bleeding edge power plant.It took a while to find a parking spot though. My car is huge. It takes up two spaces.Green Arrow only has a motorbike. It's tiny.Loser.We confronted the Condiment King on a gantry high above a bubbling vat of special sauce. He had a hostage, naturally.Say what you like about Condiment King the man respects the tropes. He knows how we do things in Gotham. Not like some out of towner's I could mention.I had a good feeling about that vat. I've always done well fighting above a vat of dangerous chemicals.I learned more about the hostage later. Her name was Marina Dijon. She was a scientist working for Gander Sauces quality control team, single, no pets (cats are a red flag in these situations, also Hyenas). She dressed like she shopped at repressed librarians-r-us. She lived a quiet life in a small apartment near the factory. She'd worked for Gander for more than ten years. A respected employee but not popular. Her coworkers considered her dull and standoffish. She never socialized with them and none of them knew much about her private life.Unknown to her employer Marina had a past in the adult entertainment industry. She'd paid her way through college making food fetish films under the moniker 'Madame Messy'.It explained some of what followed but I didn't know any of this at the time.I mean I knew some of it. I just didn't recognize her with her clothes on and not covered in yoghurt.The Condiment King had one arm around her, a squirt bottle of weaponised wasabi pressed to her throat."I am the Condiment King! The sauce of evil!""Let the woman go. You don't want to hurt her." Said Supergirl looking blonde and cute and non threatening.At least try and lurk a little. Play the game."I relish her terror! You think I won't hurt Dijon? If you come any closer I'll cut the mustard!" Shouted Condiment King.His yellow and red costume was armoured with layers of ketchup packets which protected him from batarang strikes and made it quite hard to tell when you had hit him.Crossed bandoliers of sauce bottles across his chest provided additional weapons but his main arsenal was the twin backpack fed sauce launchers. Today he was packing a cocktail of mayhem mayo and violence vinaigrette. Enough to make even Supergirl think twice.I mean maybe it was. I told her to hang back. Look he's my villain okay? Mine! I get first go.In retrospect I admit that I could have handled things differently.I threw two batarangs at once."You missed you flavor free fool!" Scoffed the Condiment King. But I hadn't been aiming for him. My batarangs sliced cleanly through the feed tubes on his weapons leaving them useless.I struck then with the vengeance of the night and my twin hammers of justice. That's my fists. Using actual hammers would be a bit much. I'm not Thor.The Condiment King had booby trapped the gantry floor with low friction barbecue sauce. I skidded, the King threw Marina over the gantry as he and I spun over the opposite side locked in an embrace of death.I could totally of handled it. I didn't need Supergirl to save me. I'm Batman.But she grabbed me and the Condiment King before we hit the factory floor.Marina plunged into the vat of special sauce.She was immersed in the seething vat of experimental condiment long enough for it to seep into her pores, into her very soul. She should have died. Drowned in the terrible condiment. A fate no one would relish.But instead some strange alchemy took place. Perhaps it was Marina Dijons long exposure to condiments, perhaps her unique body chemistry. Who knew what dark forbidden science came into play in the murky depths of that seething vat.Supergirl dived in after Marina so perhaps some alien aspect of Kryptonian physiology catalysed the reaction.Perhaps it was some ancient and forbidden sorcery at work.Marina emerged naked and dripping from the vat. Her body now irreversible bonded with the special sauce. She was more condiment than human now. Her soul one with the sauce.Her mousy brown hair transformed to a mane of mustard yellow. Her watery eyes now a burning ketchup red.She glistened with eye watering tanginess and zest.Condiment King stared down in open mouthed amazement."Why Miss Dijon, you're beautiful!" He exclaimed.The entity that had once been Marina Dijon responded with a gutteral liquid snarl. A rasping howl like the last spurt of sauce being forced from a ketchup bottle."Marina is gone. Call me Marinade!!"The living sauce creature threw back her glistening head and howled her rasping howl once more.With a flicking gesture she sent a blast of searing hot sauce to smash Condiment King against the wall. Overwhelmed he slid to the ground."B..but I created you.....you just need time...to savor....." Then he succumbed to unconsciousness.I threw a batarang but it passed uselessly through Marinade's viscously liquid body.The sauce elemental turned her wrath on me and I narrowly avoided a lance of superheated horseradish as it lashed past.Supergirl tackled Marinade and they fell wrestling into the vat of sauce.Marinade's liquid powers were a match for the maid of might. Soon Supergirl's costume was soaked through as she struggled with the naked figure of Marinade amidst the slippery arena of the sauce vat.I decided to observe the situation to await a tactical opening to strike.I'm honestly not sure when Batwoman turned up to watch or who brought the popcorn.All I know is that I have a new villain!!Marinade!!That's bad obviously.