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PART I RINOA
PROLOGUE
To see Squall smile like that was magic in itself. Rinoa had been waiting for that smile, that kiss, since the moment she met him. She knew, as quickly as that star shot across the sky, that she wanted him.And they had lived a hundred lifetimes. They had seen the worst the world had to offer. And yet – they came out of it together.She sighed and rested her head on his chest. Selphie was yelling inside the ballroom, Irvine was laughing, and Zell was hollering excitedly.“I can’t believe this,” Rinoa whispered.“What do you mean?” he asked softly.The sound of his tender voice made her heart flutter, and she smiled. “I just can’t believe that after all of that, we’re here, and we’re okay. We made it. We did it.”He looked at her seriously now. “Only because of you,” he said.She hadn’t done anything. Just loved him.He put his finger under her chin and lifted her face up. His seriousness was so reassuring. The security radiating off of him. He kissed her again, and she felt rooted, anchored to him. “Yes!” Zell screamed. He had spotted them on the balcony, mid-kiss, and was clearly happy to see it.Rinoa giggled and broke away, and soon Irvine, Selphie, and Quistis came running to see what was going on. Squall grabbed her face in both hands and kissed her again, this time his smile still fresh on his lips. He didn’t care that they could see. He wanted them to see. Her heart was exploding. They were all whooping and hollering in delight. When she and Squall finally broke apart, Zell called his friend over with her camera, yelling once more at Selphie and Irvine to stop chasing each other and stand for a picture. The six of them stood, arms around each other’s shoulders, as the girl snapped the photo.Eight years later, she would see that photograph for the first time, and cry.
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“Sorceresses: humans who have received the sorceress power, a magical power said to have been given to humanity by the Great Hyne long ago. After the Great Hyne created humankind, the chosen sorceresses were given a fragment of Hyne's power. It's hard to determine how many sorceresses exist today, for many keep their powers concealed. However, it is believed that they avoid spreading their power too thin, and that Hyne’s power has been condensed into very few or possibly even a single sorceress. A sorceress differs from normal humans as they can use magic naturally (i.e. without the use of Limit Breaks or Guardian Forces—see Para-Magic) until she must eventually pass her powers to another individual at the time of her death.”
From “A Study of Natural Magic” by Dr. Wilhelm Odine
*
Rinoa awoke feeling more comfortable than she’d ever felt in her life.It took her a moment to gather her senses. Her eyelashes brushed against something soft as she blinked. Her body was at a perfectly warm temperature, wrapped in something like a cocoon.A wonderful and familiar aroma surrounded her. After several deep breaths, it finally clicked that Rinoa was in fact wrapped in Squall’s arms. In Squall’s bed. They had slept the whole night beside each other.Squall shifted as if in recognition of her thoughts. A smile spread itself across her face and into his chest.She looked up at him, ready to believe this dream would end at any minute.Yep, it was him. Gazing down at her. Real. Alive. Holding her.For the first time in a long time, Rinoa didn’t know what to say. Certainly this was one of the happiest moments in her life – along with everything that had happened last night. But it was a quiet kind of happy. It was a feeling, deep down inside of her, that everything was okay. That Squall was here.He was safe. They were together.His silvery blue eyes were unreadable – not unusual for Squall. Was he happy too? He must be, after everything that happened. After how passionately he kissed her last night on the balcony, and then in his room, and then in his bed. Rinoa’s stomach fluttered at the memory. No one had ever kissed her like that before. And though it was only kisses and cuddles, something monumental had shifted between them. He was okay. They were together.“You’re still here,” she finally said.“I am,” he said. “I’m not going anywhere.”She gripped him tighter. His strong arms responded, strengthening his grip around her. They were together.They were together in his room! Overnight! This was surely very much against Balamb Garden regulations. Squall had known this, of course, when he had allowed Rinoa to stay last night. When she had realized that going to her assigned guest room would mean being alone. And being alone was not okay. Not after everything that happened yesterday.“Are we going to be in trouble?” she asked, dreading having to be separated from him for even a minute.Squall let out a chuckle. “Who cares.”“Squall Leonhart,” Rinoa said, swatting his chest playfully, “I love it when you break the rules.”He smiled – oh, Hyne, that smile – and before she knew it he was leaning in to kiss her again.She breathed him in, running her hand up his neck and into his hair. This was the kind of love people only dreamed of. And to think, she had it, right here. It was surreal.It was so right. It made sense that she would wind up with someone like Squall: someone strong and sturdy to help pull her head out of the clouds. Someone quiet and logical, calm and reserved. They were a perfect compliment to each other. Rinoa could have kissed him all day, contemplating the unique perfection of their togetherness, but her rumbling stomach betrayed her. Breaking away, she savored the moment, wishing it never had to end. Squall’s brow was relaxed, lips still slightly parted. The morning sun was sneaking in through the gap in the curtain and making his small room glow with golden light. And the look on his face. It was warmth. Admiration. Reverence.It was beautiful. She was so lucky.With a sigh, she interrupted the loveliness. “Do you think we can pause this for a few minutes? For some food?”A smile cracked the corner of his mouth and he kissed her forehead, sending a small cascade of butterflies down into her stomach again. “Who needs food?” Rinoa giggled. “Me, silly!”“Well, then, of course. Anything for you.” And though his words agreed to a pause, his mouth leaned in for yet another kiss. He had again left her speechless, which was really quite an achievement. With a shove to his shoulder, she bit her lip, her smile too big to contain anymore, then eased out of his arms and out of the bed. “I think your sweats look incredible on me,” she teased, twirling around to display the baggy gray clothes he had lent her to sleep in.Squall smiled and watched her as though entranced. “You look good in anything,” he said, and her heart jumped again.Who would have thought he had such sweet words in him? Who would have thought the king of cold silence, of bitter sarcasm, had such tenderness? And just for her! With one more coy glance, Rinoa gave Squall a sincere, “Thank you,” and grabbed some of her own clothes. Before going to freshen up in the tiny bathroom, Rinoa knelt down to greet Angelo. Last night she had made a cozy little spot next to the bed using a sheet from Squall’s bed and one of Squall’s unused jackets. “Good morning, my sweet pup,” Rinoa said while rubbing the spot just above Angelo’s eyes. She always loved that in the morning. After getting dressed, she and Squall headed down the dormitory halls into the wide and airy atrium of Balamb Garden, then to the cafeteria for a late breakfast, hand-in-hand the whole way there. Angelo followed at their heels.Cadets and SeeDs saluted Squall as they passed, their eyes wide at the sight of Rinoa, a non-SeeD, non-cadet, seemingly random girl who was – gasp – holding hands with the aloof Commander Squall Leonhart. It was the same story in the cafeteria. Rinoa sat closely beside Squall, enthralled that he also seemed to want her closeness in return despite the many curious glances of passersby. The Squall she met a few months ago would have rather been set on fire than be caught attracting the attention of everyone in Garden. After what happened yesterday, though, she knew he wanted her close. He needed her, too.It was incredibly thrilling. Rinoa wanted nothing more than to slide onto his lap, or to take him on a nice quiet walk, alone, where they could find a secret corner somewhere in Garden to continue the lovely scene in his bed that she had rudely interrupted…But Squall was giving her a different look, one that clearly said, “Time to go.” Rinoa pouted. Cid, the kind headmaster of Garden, had called for a team debrief at eleven o’clock sharp, and SeeDs were never late.“Okay, okay,” she said. She popped one last strawberry in her mouth and stood up. They would just have to get this meeting over with and then finally relax. The meeting was upstairs on the third floor. Squall again led her by the hand all the way there.In her brief time at Balamb Garden, Rinoa had never been to this meeting room before, and she felt wholly unqualified to be there. It was a stately windowless room with a huge ornate wooden table and plush red chairs that must have been designed for esteemed dignitaries. They sat along with the other four members of the team and the only thing that kept Rinoa sitting still – well, relatively still – was Squall’s hand wrapped tightly around hers under the table.Cid Kramer entered and leaned into the head of the table, looking wise and collected. Rinoa didn’t understand the whole chain of command thing within SeeD – Garden’s elite mercenary taskforce – but she could at least gather that they seemed to be treating him like their leader once more. She knew well enough to sit quietly and at least act like she was paying attention.Cid’s wife, Edea, entered and sat beside him, beautiful and unassuming in her plain black dress, long black hair a velvet curtain down her back. She adjusted herself, set a notepad and pen down on the table, and gave Rinoa a small smile, which Rinoa returned awkwardly. Rinoa never knew how to behave around Edea.“Thank you all for coming up here today,” Cid began in his fatherly way. “I know you must be exhausted after everything that’s happened. We’re just glad you’re all safe.” He peered at them all in an approving way. “You all have shown courage and strength beyond what Edea and I could have imagined. The purpose of our meeting today is to debrief the events of the past several days. Our goal is to collect as much information we can about the future Sorceress Ultimecia. We know, of course, what happened to most of you after the battle, but we’ll be taking a detailed account from each of you this morning. And Squall,” the headmaster looked at Squall and quirked an eyebrow up at him, “we will have much to discuss. We will get your account later. When you’re ready.”Squall’s face was blank. Rinoa didn’t want him to have to talk about what happened in time compression – it was too dreadful. Cid cleared his throat and asked each SeeD team member to give their personal account of what happened. Rinoa had no desire to recall any of it. They were all so businesslike – perfect SeeDs that there were – and after a while, Rinoa’s eyes glazed over and began to wander. Occasional words went in one ear and out the other, most of it jargon she didn’t understand. With her free hand, she fiddled with the fabric of her skirt. She had no idea how long she’d been out of it until Cid was looking at her. “Rinoa,” Cid said, snapping her back to attention, “I will not ask you to give your account unless you have anything of note to add.”Rinoa chewed on her lip. Her version of the story was the same as everybody else’s. They were all there – they had all said everything already. And she just wanted to be done with this meeting. “I don’t, sir,” she said.“Very well.” Cid cleared his throat and continued in a firm tone, “I’ll make it very clear, if anyone outside of this room asks you about the future Sorceress Ultimecia, your orders are to say that she was defeated by a small team of highly-trained SeeDs and poses no further threat. From what we can tell, no one, aside from you all, has suffered any effects from her attempt to compress time. We do not need to incite panic, so keep a level head. Use your common sense.”Rinoa wasn’t accustomed to taking orders; she was a professional anarchist, a boarding school dropout, a runaway. Yet here she was, sitting stock-still, staring wide-eyed up at Cid Kramer as he shot orders directly at her. “Rinoa–” Hearing her name called again made Rinoa jump. It was Edea addressing her. Rinoa’s heart pumped faster. She would listen to anything Edea had to say.“We would like to invite you to stay here at Balamb Garden,” Edea continued. “We can help you remain anonymous for as long as possible. I’m sure we’re going to have much to talk about, if you accept the offer.”"Um…"Rinoa felt everyone looking at her. She was friends with the whole team, well, more than friends now, but did they really want her sticking around? And besides, she was dangerous – a new sorceress on the run. Did they like her enough to deal with that slight complication? Everything was so different now – but the fact remained that she was completely incompetent in the ways of SeeD. She was going to be onboard Garden – a military school – doing what? Hanging around? Hiding herself? Rinoa was so lucky she had them. Her strategic planning was obviously nowhere near the level of SeeD. When she first met Squall, he had called her out on her naivete, and it stung then, but dammit if he wasn’t right.Squall's hand squeezing hers under the table gave her the courage to accept. If she had Squall, that was all she really needed. "I'd like to stay," she said to Edea. "Thank you." "If that's all…?" Squall asked Cid impatiently. Rinoa’s brain was melting. Please let that be all, she begged silently. She wanted nothing more than to get outside and breathe. "For now, yes," Cid said, and everyone began shuffling to their feet. He quickly added, "But Squall and Rinoa, if you could stay for a moment." Edea had remained seated as well, her soft eyes resting on Squall and Rinoa. Everyone else filed out as Squall huffed his annoyance. Rinoa cracked a smile. It was so good to see Squall be a little insubordinate. "I won't keep you long," Cid said. The door to the meeting room closed behind the group and Cid looked pointedly at Rinoa over his spectacles. "I trust you found your assigned room last night?" Squall suddenly coughed beside her. Rinoa put on her best boarding school porcelain shell. "Yes, of course. Thank you for the generosity, Cid." "Good, good," he said vaguely. "Edea and I thought it would be wise if you stayed here for the time being." "And like we mentioned before," Edea added, "keep your face unknown." "Okay," she managed. Rinoa was struck by the need to ask Edea for something, but she didn't know what. She just sat there, tongue-tied, as Squall gripped her hand tighter. "Rinoa, why don't you catch up with the others? We'll send Squall along in a minute." Squall was looking mutinous at Cid, but he released Rinoa's hand so that she could leave. He wasn't going to refuse a direct order from Cid, despite his frustration with the man. Rinoa gave Squall one last glance, throwing him a wink, and marched out.Relief flooded her as she stepped into the lobby. Sunlight was coming in through the overhead windows, making the whole place bright and peaceful. It was so good to finally be out of that room.The rest of the crew hadn’t made it very far. The four of them had congregated around the elevator discussing plans. “Yeah, and all the ladies can wear their loveliest bikinis,” Irvine said, nodding his head obscenely, his cowboy hat accentuating the motion.Selphie, particularly petite beside Irvine, swatted his arm. “We don’t have bikinis,” she chided.“You are so dumb, man,” Zell said, shaking his spiky blond head. “Rinoa, we’re thinking about heading over to Balamb Beach if you and Squall would like to join,” Quistis said politely, adjusting her silver wire glasses over the bridge of her nose.How funny that Rinoa was now allowed to make a social choice for Squall. The truth was, she had no idea if Squall would want to go to the beach. Did he ever do anything just for the fun of it? She tried imagining him in swimming trunks. At first, the vision was amusing, but it quickly turned tantalizing when she realized how much skin would be exposed. “I’d like to,” she said, the lovely vision still floating in her head, “but I don’t have a suit.”“I have a few SeeD-issue suits that I’m sure will fit you,” Quistis said. Rinoa was doubtful of that. Quistis had the figure of an actual hourglass, and Rinoa was all bones and straight lines. “So, are we going?!” Zell said. “Balamb Beach is the spot!”“Zell, you haven’t been there in like, ten years!” Selphie said. “Well, yeah, but still! It was super fun when I was little. I used to go body surfing, and build sand castles, and…” He didn’t seem to realize – or care – that he sounded like a seven-year-old. “And there are, like, those weird fish things that live in the sand, you gotta watch out for those…”“Ah, that’s alright, we can get our good friend Sorceress Rinoa to blow ‘em all to bits when we arrive,” Irvine suggested. “That way we don’t have to bring anything but our bodies.”Quistis shot him a disgusted look, but Rinoa frowned thoughtfully. If Irvine hadn’t mentioned it, she would not have considered using her powers for such a thing. What a novelty, indeed. “Can we please go? Please, please, please?!” Selphie asked excitedly. “Yeah, let’s do it,” Rinoa said. “Let’s do what?” Squall asked as he walked up beside her, causing her stomach to flip over pleasantly. Rinoa couldn't believe how much she’d missed him in the mere minutes he had been gone. Instinctively she grabbed his hand and was doubly pleased that he gripped it tightly, like he’d missed her, too. “We’re going to Balamb Beach!” she said, beaming at the thought. Everyone else gave out a little cheer, but Squall pulled his best skeptical face. She linked her arm in his amidst the cheering, pulling him even closer, and quietly said, “It’ll be a lot of fun. Quistis is letting me borrow one of her suits.” Squall looked at her, a certain understanding behind his eyes. Though they had only kissed and cuddled in his bed last night, there was an electric thrill that radiated between them. Her heart beat even faster seeing his eyes like that.“Well, what are we waiting for?” he said, the threat of a smile creeping into one corner of his mouth.
*
"Well, can you do it?" Zell asked, glancing over his shoulder at Rinoa. They were all staring at her expectantly. The beach stretched out, gorgeous and empty in the midday sunshine. It matched the perfect serenity of Balamb: gently lapping waves, the overhead sun glinting like glitter upon each little crest, the salty air carried on the lightest breeze.They hadn’t encountered anything on their walk from Garden to the beach – sticking to the main road usually allowed for a peaceful walk, with no wild monsters to deal with. But here…they were very likely to disturb the foul creatures that lurked beneath the powdery sand.Rinoa scanned the shoreline. She had never used her powers outside of battle before. But this was like a battle, wasn’t it? All it would take would be a simple earthquake to scare them back to the depths of the ocean. Quakes were not something she had used often, and she’d never attempted to wipe out a whole beach before, but it couldn’t be that hard."Well, sure," she said as she handed her towel to Squall and stretched her arms out, feeling the familiar tingle in her fingertips and palms. She wasn't sure exactly what to do, but it didn't seem that difficult. It was just like a battle. Focusing on the entire sandy beach, Rinoa narrowed her eyes and whispered in her mind.
Quake.
It all happened very quickly. A rumble started at her feet and radiated outward, creating a ripple in the earth and knocking everyone else to the ground. Selphie gave out a little scream, pulling Irvine down beside her. Zell tumbled face-first into the sand. Even Squall and Quistis lost their footing and fell. The ripple continued lightning-fast out towards the water, flinging the sand upwards. The strange creatures shrieked as the quake hit them all in quick succession, some of them popping up out of the sand and scurrying away into the ocean. As the spell approached the water, a huge wave tumbled out to sea, bringing dozens of the reddish-orange creatures with it. But at the same time, to Rinoa's horror, the quake had also crashed into a grassy outcropping of land at the other side of the beach, smacking into the side of it and making it crumble. If it went any further it would level the Balamb Hotel. In a panic she screamed, "Stop!" and the wave of the quake suddenly halted. She tried to steady her breathing as her friends slowly stood up around her. "That was awesome!!" Zell shouted as he took off towards the water. Irvine chuckled. "Told you it'd be easy.”Quistis looked annoyed as she brushed the sand off her chin. Selphie giggled. "Wow, Rinoa! It will be really handy having you around!" Only Squall seemed to sense the unease that Rinoa was feeling. He stood back with her as the others followed Zell towards the surf."You okay?" he asked, returning her towel. "Um…" She giggled nervously, though it wasn't funny. "That was crazy." Squall looked at her, his face unreadable. Was he thinking the same thing she was? "What if I wasn't able to stop it?" she asked, voicing the thought, her heart still pounding. "But you did," he said. "But the hotel is right there.”"It's okay," he said, sliding his hand into hers. "You did stop it." His touch in itself was magic. Somehow, he managed to anchor her back to the earth and send a shiver up her spine at the same time. And the certainty in his voice – the assuredness in which he spoke – was enough to make her believe it was okay. Everything was going to be okay if Squall said so.She always loved that about Squall – he was strong, and smart, and steady on his feet. It made him easy to love.But she loved it even more when she was the one to throw him off that balance. When she said something that made him raise his eyebrows, or smile nervously, or stop and stare at her, guard down, when he thought she wasn’t looking. She’d thought he might stop and stare when they had all met at Garden’s front gate to walk to the beach together. She had been waiting for his eyes to travel over her exposed skin; Quistis's SeeD-issue swimsuit fit her better than anticipated, though it was admittedly not as tight around the chest. But he didn't do it. Maybe he was just a gentleman. Maybe he was a robot. Or maybe he was simply not excited to see her so scantily clad. But now, his hand gripping hers tightly, and his eyes on her, that pleasant ache in her stomach made her feel certain that he was simply happy to be there with her, bathing suit or whatever. They walked, hand in hand, down to the shoreline. Quistis and Selphie were laying out their towels and Irvine tossed a football to Zell, who was already in the water, shouting, "Go long!" Zell leapt and caught the ball in his strong fingertips, then crashed spectacularly into the water. Selphie cheered. Irvine tossed his hat to the ground, pulled off his shirt, and dove in after him. Selphie cheered again, apparently at the sight of Irvine's long and lean torso. Would Squall take off his shirt, too? "I can't believe we all have a day off," Quistis said, sitting on her towel and stretching her long legs luxuriously, gazing through chic sunglasses out at the horizon, her strawberry blonde hair a perfect frame for her statuesque face. Somehow, Quistis managed to look so effortless in everything she did that it separated her from the rest of the group, like she was their mother, or babysitter, though she was only eighteen and just a single year older than the rest of them. "I know!" Selphie said, still standing to observe the boys in the water. "It's weird!" "We deserve it," Squall said somberly. He laid out his towel and sat on it, and Rinoa automatically rolled hers out beside him. "I'm enjoying it," Rinoa said, giving Squall a look as she sat beside him, her thigh against his.His little corner-smile threatened to come out again. The pull of his lips was like a magnet – but she wouldn’t push it. Frequent public displays of affection were probably not something he could handle. Rinoa could control herself."What are you wimps doing up there?" Irvine shouted, waist-deep in the water, his long wet ponytail wrapped around his neck. Zell was doing handstands in the shallows, exposing his strong, ghostly white thighs, and allowing the gentle waves to knock him over. Though Zell had the body of a stout, muscle-thick martial artist, he moved like he was a kid at a playground, charming Rinoa and making her smile as she watched.Selphie sprinted to the water, leaping in with a well-placed karate kick. Quistis scoffed and got up, striding down behind Selphie. Rinoa was not surprised that Quistis wasn’t going to play third wheel to her and Squall.That little rush of pleasure went up Rinoa’s spine again as Squall turned to look at her, his eyes flicking to her lips. It was an invitation. She smiled and leaned in, kissing him. He kissed her so sweetly, sweeter than any boy she had ever kissed before. Maybe it was just because it meant so much to him. Getting a kiss from Squall was more like getting a minor miracle. It wasn't like kissing a boy from geometry class under the bleachers when she was thirteen. Squall's kisses had his whole heart behind them. "Your lips are gonna fall off if you keep kissing like that!" Zell shouted. Squall quickly pulled away, eyes cast to the other side of the beach. "Aww, leave 'em alone!" Selphie shouted back. "Squall deserves a bit of happiness." "Yeah, we all do," Irvine said as he swam up to Selphie. Without skipping a beat, Selphie splashed his face and he sputtered and spit as he wiped the salt water out of his eyes. Rinoa didn’t blame Squall for being embarrassed. She was lucky enough to have him at all – she could withstand his self-consciousness. After all, their first kiss had only been yesterday. To give him a little breathing room, she let her eyes wander down the beach, landing on the spot where her spell had knocked the grassy outcropping in front of the hotel to broken rock and rubble. With just a thought, she had forever changed the landscape of Balamb Beach. It gave her a little pang in her chest to think about it. She must have been staring for a while, because Squall wrapped his hand around hers. "Hey," he said. "It's alright, you stopped the spell in time. You didn't hurt anyone."Though she believed him, somehow the sour thought continued to percolate, past his reasoning, and back into the realm of what-if. "I know, but there are probably so many people in that hotel, and just a second longer and the whole building would have come crashing down…and all those fish, Squall, I got rid of them so easily…" An image flickered through her mind's eye: a flash of a different beach, a dark one, fresh in her memory from the travel through time to meet Ultimecia…that shore was supposed to be a place of refuge for Squall – it was where he and the others had all grown up together…the beach outside the orphanage where Cid and Edea had raised them… scattered with the bodies of hundreds of dead SeeDs, mangled and wrecked all along the shore…She blinked, willing the image away. There was no need to think about that horror. This was a perfectly nice afternoon. But her skin was crawling anyway. She shifted her weight on the towel. She had only knocked a few sand monsters into the water, not killed hundreds of people. But why did it feel so bad? "It was so easy, Squall," the words spilled out of her. "I could have hurt so many people. I can hurt so many people. Like what she did… what Ultimecia did… She killed all those people, Squall, and I have that inside of me …" Squall gripped her hands tightly, steadying them. She hadn't realized she was trembling. "It's alright," he said again, looking intensely into her eyes. Rinoa was able to focus on him, her vision hooking into his silvery blue irises. "That's why I'm here. I'll always be here for you, Rinoa. You won't hurt anyone. I'll be here. You’re okay." She took a deep breath. They sat in silence for a moment but a question was still nagging at her, and when Squall put his arm around her, she felt coherent enough to ask it. "What if she – Ultimecia – comes back?" Rinoa asked. "Even if I don't do anything myself, even if I never use my powers willingly, what if she possesses me again?"Squall sighed heavily. "Well, I'm not convinced that she's going to attempt it again. I don't think Cid and Edea want me to talk to you about it, but–" "Is that why they asked me to leave today? So they could talk to you about me?" "–I'm going to tell you, anyway," he said, finishing his sentence. "They are completely clueless, by the way. But even if Ultimecia does try to possess you, it wouldn't be like what happened before. Whatever she does from here on out will be unsuccessful.""What do you mean by 'unsuccessful'? And I don't want to be possessed again regardless of whatever happens. Squall, it was so scary…" He reached a hand up and cupped her face. The light sea breeze tossed his brown hair over his eyes. "We'll be okay, as long as we're together. We'll figure it out. I don't care what Cid and Edea say. I won't let you get hurt again."His eyes were piercing into hers, serious and assuring. She didn't have to think about it – she instantly believed him. Squall had proven so many times that he would save her, he would protect her, and the relief in that certainty was enough to bring her all the way back down to a calm place. "What did Cid and Edea say?" she asked softly. "They want me to stay close to you," he said. "I was going to do that anyway." Her throat was tight with the threat of happy tears. If he wanted her close, that was all that mattered. She leaned in, pressing her lips to his in an attempt to communicate this. Rinoa didn't have the slightest idea how long her and Squall sat there kissing. It wasn't until Zell came marching up, dripping and kicking sand, that they realized how detached they had been from their surroundings. "You two," he chided, "are going to get in that water and enjoy our time here at the beach." In an instant, he reached down and grabbed each of them by the wrists and easily pulled them upright, dragging them towards the water. "You can kiss more later. We're going to have a good time down here, dammit!" Rinoa laughed, and Squall was surprisingly not angry at Zell's little stunt. He did pause and finally remove his shirt, making Rinoa's heart skip a beat. The pleasant ache in her stomach returned as she watched his silver Griever necklace bounce onto his strong bare chest. He was, without a doubt, the most attractive person she had ever seen. They relaxed in the warm Balamb water, tossing the football and talking about nonsense. Under the cover of the water, Squall's hands wandered towards Rinoa, sneaking around her midsection and resting pleasantly there. Another small miracle.As they stood there in the crystal clear water, and even later when they were walking back to Garden, Rinoa was reminded much more of her boarding school days than any other time she had been hanging out with SeeDs. These were just normal teenagers, shooting the shit and messing around. And other than trash-talking Ultimecia, they barely acknowledged that they had just gone through a truly terrible ordeal. Part of her fought the urge to point this out to them, but she stopped herself, letting Squall’s hands on her waist keep her anchored to the moment for what it was: a pleasant and light afternoon at the beach; a much needed repose after months of terror. Maybe it was better that way, to not dwell on it. Maybe it just wasn't that big of a deal to them. After all, they’d all trained for things like assassinations and war. Rinoa's first step into that world had been the failed mission a few months ago when Squall's team arrived to help her in Timber, the first time they were officially introduced. They all had years of experience under their belts. They were used to facing death all the time. It wasn't until everyone broke apart to head to their respective dormitories after dinner that the anxiety started to creep in. The thought of going to a cold, empty room seemed impossible. Squall and Rinoa stalled at the dinner table while everyone departed. She was sitting in his lap, and she wanted to wait until everyone was gone. "Squall," she started, arms around his neck, "I don't want to be alone."She didn't want to have to ask. She wanted him to offer. She wanted to know that he wanted to fall asleep in her arms as much as she wanted it. He read her mind. "Stay with me again tonight," he said, his mouth close to her neck. Rinoa breathed slow and deep: the excitement of his closeness tinged with the relief of not being alone. They meandered down the long hallways, quietly hand in hand, past SeeDs and cadets who averted their eyes after saluting their commander, and ran into Irvine just before arriving at Squall's door. "Hey, pals," he said. He was carrying a light cardboard box and dropped it on the ground by Squall's door. "Just stopped by Kadowaki's for a restock," he said casually. "Figured you guys could use some, too." "What are you talking about?" Squall said. But Irvine only tipped his hat and strode off, his ever-present shit-eating grin wide and telling."Irvy!" Selphie’s voice echoed from down the hallway. "You didn't!" Irvine laughed mischievously as Rinoa peered into the box. In it were hundreds of colorful condoms. Squall's face was burning. "You're an idiot!" Squall shouted down the hallway. Rinoa bit back an insistent smile and gently grabbed his arm. "It's alright, Squall. Come inside." He huffed and forcefully opened the door. Rinoa grabbed the box and followed him in. When Squall saw her set the box on his desk, his eyes went wide. "Don't worry, not for tonight,” she said, smirking at him. A helpless grin spread across his face, too, and she reveled in it. Hyne, she loved it when he cracked like that.He had never said it, but Rinoa knew that Squall had never been this close to a girl before. Quistis had hinted that he had been as closed off to girls as a brick wall – maybe never even having kissed anyone in his life. Whatever the truth was, it didn't matter. His kisses were incredible. Rinoa had kissed a handful of boys. But she had very little experience beyond that. Actually using the contents of that box felt like a part of the distant future. "We'll take our time," she said. "I just want to cuddle with you tonight." His breathing slowed and he held her, studying every inch of her face. Squall always stood with such decisive posture – heels planted firm, back straight, shoulders tight and jaw clenched. He never looked too rigid, only solid and stable. Rinoa liked to think that she softened him in the slightest bit: that her presence helped him unclench his jaw and relax his shoulders. Presently, though, his gaze was piercing, and his strong posture was tense. Not at all relaxed. “I want to tell you something,” he said abruptly. Something about the resolute tone in his voice was new. Her eyes searched his expression to figure out where this was going. For all the certainty she had when it came to Squall, there was still so much she didn't know about him. “Go ahead,” she prompted.He swallowed, and a muscle jumped in his jaw. “I made a promise to you…and it was something I couldn’t keep. I failed you. I–”“Squall, don’t say that!” He ignored her and barrelled on, as if he needed to get it all out in one go. As if he had been brewing this all day and now that they were finally alone, in the safety of his quiet room, he could unleash it. “I promised I would meet you in the flower field after time compression and–and I just couldn’t do it. But I will never let you down again. I won’t risk losing you.” He shook his head, as if thinking about it was too much. “There was something else I promised you then, but I was a coward, and I couldn’t say it out loud. But I still hold to that promise. And I want to tell you now.” For the first time since he started, Squall hesitated, taking a gulping breath before continuing. Rinoa bit her tongue in anticipation. She had never seen him like this before and she waited on the precipice of not knowing what was about to come out of his mouth, holding her breath and praying that it was something good. “I don’t know what you want, or if you had someone else in mind, but I – I want to be your knight. I want to be the one to stand by you, whatever that means, no matter what happens–”“Oh, Squall…” Her knees buckled under the weight of his words, and she clung to him, burying her face into his chest. Instinctively, he wrapped his arms around her and held her tight, and she felt the stutter of his chest as his breathing became shallow. She looked up and saw that his jaw was clenched harder yet, and his lips were pressed shut, and his eyes were rimmed with sparkling tears. Rinoa blinked, her own tears pouring down her cheeks hot and fast, and she kissed him hard. “You saved me,” he said, his voice thick with tears, “more than just in time compression…more than you could ever know…and I want to be there for you…whatever it takes…”She gasped back a sob, reckoning with how monumental it all was. This was all she ever wanted. The sentiment felt even deeper than him confessing his love, or even asking to marry her. They could be bound to each other in a way that no one else could ever come close to. “It could only ever be you,” she said breathlessly.
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
The weeks following their defeat of Ultimecia were a strange kind of holding pattern for everyone at Balamb Garden. Squall was locked away with Cid for hours at a time, always coming back frustrated and distracted. Apparently, Squall was no longer happy with Garden training kids to become heartless killing machines and spent a good deal of time being angry with Cid about it. He never said it out loud, but Rinoa knew she had been the one to make him see the awfulness in the “anything for a paycheck” mercenary system. She was so proud of him for standing up for what he believed in, especially now that he held such a powerful position as commander of Garden and could actually do something about it. Rinoa knew him well enough to know that his frustration needed time to dissipate. Squall was great at many things, but talking when he was angry was simply not something he could do. She had to wait for him to cool down, and only later would he give her bits of information here or there as it occurred to him.All Rinoa really knew was that the result of all this arguing was that Garden was not taking on any new missions, so the cafeteria and hallways slowly started feeling more and more crowded with SeeDs returning home and having nowhere to go next. Squall’s busyness left Rinoa to wander around Garden aimlessly. It was certainly a lovely place to live: the huge compound was an idyllic and aptly-named campus: peaceful fountains in the huge, airy atrium, plants and flowers blooming in little flower boxes and between the outdoor hallways, and a sense of order and study amongst its occupants.Angelo lived in such peace, too. She roamed the halls freely, often finding her way to the Training Center to sniff around, or getting some unsuspecting student to play fetch with her. She quickly became the community pet, beloved by everyone in Garden. Other than Angelo, it was nice that Selphie, Zell, Irvine, and Quistis always kept Rinoa company. They played a lot of cards and watched movies, trying to distract her and help her adjust to this new life while Squall was tucked away on the third floor for days on end. Often they invited her to train. She usually accepted those offers, though after the incident at the beach she decided to stop using her powers in battle and went back to the physical training on her weapon, the Shooting Star. Rinoa also spent a good deal of time in the library, never really settling into any book in particular, but appreciating the vast collection all the same, if just to keep her mind occupied in those frequent stretches of downtime.Because even in the small moments of being alone – browsing the library books by herself, or waiting for Squall to be done in the shower so she could have her turn – were growing to be unbearable. Her mind would unexpectedly kick into high anxiety. She was at a constant risk of being possessed by Ultimecia. Having any SeeD member close by felt like a necessity.And then it hit, about two weeks into living this way, that they were purposefully never allowing her to be alone. How stupid of her not to realize it for so long. Of course, it was the obvious, smart thing to do, having her watched. It wouldn’t do for Rinoa to become possessed when no one was around to alert the rest of Garden. She wondered how much time Squall spent in his meetings with Cid discussing this very fact.She never asked. It was too surreal to talk about. “They know you’ve been living in my room,” Squall admitted one day on their walk to his dormitory after dinner.“Yeah,” Rinoa sighed, resigned, and laced her fingers into his. “I know there's CCTV all over. Are we in trouble?”“No,” Squall said. “Cid said something about how the regulations must be adjusted in times of dire need, or something like that…” Rinoa grinned up at him and caught him blushing, making her heart pound. “Did you have another fight with him about it? Is that why he said that, because you were defending our right to make out heavily in your bed every night?”Hyne, that smile. He tried to hide it from her, as if showing his pleasure at her remarks was indecent. But Rinoa relished it. They arrived at his room and, as a man of routine, Squall launched into his daily chores. By now they had settled into a normal evening ritual: take turns showering and brushing their teeth, Squall cleaning his gunblade and organizing the room while Rinoa showered, then snuggle under the covers to talk and kiss each other for an indiscriminate amount of time until Rinoa eventually got too tired to keep her eyes open. It was always so lovely to be lost in a kiss with him. His hands were so surprisingly soft and gentle after years of such hardcore physical training. She thought they could go on for hours each night if her eyes didn’t betray her and demand sleep.They’d had a lot of tender conversation over the past few weeks, too: in the quiet still evenings, tucked safe and warm in his bed, in between sweet kisses and soft caresses, taking each other in.He’d let her babble on endlessly sometimes, describing her past life in boarding school, and her distant memories of her mother, and how she always wished she had a baby sister. He listened intently, completely focused on her, drinking in every word.But tonight, Squall didn’t seem to be in the mood for talking. He met her when she got out of the shower, dressed in his gray SeeD sweats, still toweling her hair. His arms went around her middle, pulling her close and kissing her hungrily. She felt her face get hot. He normally waited to kiss her until they were cozily tucked into bed – that was the routine, after all. They had done nothing but kiss for these past few weeks, and he had thus far given her no indication that he wanted anything more. Was this it? Was this him telling her he wanted to take things to another level? She smiled and pulled away, giving her wet hair one last shake, and hanging the towel over the door. Then, like she always did, she climbed into the bed and patted the spot beside her in invitation. He was usually busy doing some sort of final tidy for the night – putting her clothes away, or clearing away whatever detritus she had left on the desk – making her mad with impatience until he deemed the room acceptable. But tonight he did no such thing. He slid into the bed and went for her immediately, making her heart rate skyrocket. Pulling away for a moment, he gazed at her, taking in every feature, tucking in a stray lock of damp hair behind her ear. And then he was kissing her again, his hand rubbing a gentle circle in the middle of her back.They kissed passionately for a long while, and she realized he was not amping up the stakes like she thought he would. It was striking how little his hands wandered, never touching her anywhere other than her back or arms. Her prior experience with boys had been vastly different. Squall, she knew, was unique in many, many ways.She pulled away from him and sighed, gazing into his handsome face. There was still so much locked away in his beautiful self. His heart was like a treasure, buried deep in a mountain, unseen by the world. Rinoa wanted to unearth it and see it all. But she didn’t want to push him. He was slow to open up about things. A few nights ago he’d told her a bit more about what he remembered from the orphanage, and that felt monumental. And sometimes he’d go into a jumbled discourse about what he wanted for the future of SeeD, working out how to organize his thoughts with her before he argued more with Cid. So she would keep to his pace. Maybe he wasn’t quite ready to take things past kissing tonight. No need to rush. “What’s your favorite food?” Rinoa asked him, fiddling with the silver Griever necklace around his neck. She traced her finger around the silver lion’s head, then around the wild mane, then its mouth, open in ferocious roar.“I don’t…I don’t know,” he said, completely serious.“You don’t have a favorite food?” she asked, dropping the necklace and pressing her hands against his strong chest in disbelief. He smiled shyly, revealing once again that he didn’t seem to know how normal people operate. “Normal people have a favorite food, Squall,” she said lovingly. “What about ice cream? Or pizza? Or, I don’t know…eggplant parmesan?”He looked at the ceiling, face thoughtful. It made her smile even more that he would think about it with such sincerity. “I always like it when they have grapes at the cafeteria…”Rinoa blinked, a slow, bubbling laughter coming up from deep in her stomach. “Grapes?” she said, barely able to get the word out through the laugh that was consuming her. “Only you…could like grapes…as your favorite…”She dissolved into his chest, lost in giddiness at knowing this fact about Squall. He watched her, amused by her laughter.“Well, I like french fries,” she said after calming herself.“I know,” he said, eyes still fixed on her. Rinoa was quiet at his response, still biting her lip after her laughter, but looking back into his gaze. How Squall-like of him, to know her favorite food without her having to tell him. It was these types of unexpected things he did that made her feel so settled when she was with him. He always said things like that, like he knew her better than she knew herself.“I also really like chocolate chip pancakes,” she said, picking up the Griever necklace again, and the matching ring she wore on her own necklace, and touched the two together. Dimly she recognized that Zell never crafted her a matching one like he said he would. Oh well. She liked having it, safe around her neck, where she could always access him, beside her mother’s old ring. “Oh?” “Yeah. My mom used to make them for me,” she said, bringing herself back to the present conversation. “I remember she only made them when my dad was at work. Now that I think about it, it’s probably because he would not have approved of chocolate chips for breakfast. She wasn’t a great cook, so making something like pancakes was a big deal. And she went all out, too. Not the mix stuff but all the full-on eggs and buttermilk and all that. I would help her. I remember standing on a stool and making a huge mess.” He was looking at her in that dreamy way, like her memory of making a mess in the kitchen with her mom was the most interesting thing in the world. Like he could listen to her talk about it all night. She realized that he probably would.She smiled at him, running her fingers through his hair. He closed his eyes in the bliss this brought him and she continued doing it. Making up for lost time. He had needed someone like this for so long. And she was more than happy to be that someone.He sighed and opened his eyes so that he could pull her closer. He sometimes hovered his lips right in front of hers, so close to kissing her, but doing some sort of mental check, like he was making sure she was really there. She always tried to honor that brief pause, whatever it meant for him. And then, when he was ready, he would press his lips to hers, and squeeze her, and rub her back.But tonight, he paused, and his arms gripped her tighter as he said, "I love you, Rinoa." She knew this already, but it was still a marvel that he would say it out loud. "I love you, Squall," she said, the words easy. And he kissed her, soft and slow. But then, with no preamble, he was on top of her, pressing his body into hers. She let out a muffled shriek into their kiss, immediately regretting it. He rolled off of her, covering his face with his hands. “I’m sorry,” he said, “I’m so sorry, that was so stupid…”He had turned away from her, so she slipped her hand over his arm and curled up beside him, trying to make up for the unfortunate sound she had made in reaction.“No, I’m sorry, Squall,” she said, “I didn’t mean to make that noise, I was just…surprised.”“I’m an idiot,” he said, still beneath his hands. “I don’t know what I’m doing…”“It’s okay.” She rubbed his arm. “I’m not mad. Really. I just wasn’t quite ready for that.”He sighed, clearly angry with himself, but finally uncovered his face. “I don’t want to do anything you don’t want to do…I just got a little…carried away…”“I promise it’s okay,” Rinoa said. She took a breath, preparing her next thought. “I’m not exactly ready for – you know…” she decided. “But maybe we can do some other stuff? I can use my hands, if you like.”He looked at her, a sort of painful anticipation in his eyes. And then, eyes piercing hers with a certain intensity, he gave her the slightest, almost undetectable nod. She bit back a smile, not wanting to make him feel any more embarrassed, and slid her hand slowly down his outer thigh. His chest heaved with a deep breath as she moved her hand back up. Had anyone ever touched him like this? Even this simple gesture seemed to be overwhelming him. Would he be able to withstand her attempting any direct contact?It’s not like she had ample experience with groping boys. There had been Seifer last summer, of course, but that had been a brief and pathetic disaster. Seifer had been such a disgusting pig compared to Squall. She couldn’t believe she had ever liked him. She couldn’t believe the things he had convinced her to do, and what became of him in the end.It felt like her past with Seifer had happened to someone else, anyway; like it was ages ago. A different life. She shook her head, ridding the disruptive thought. What terrible timing to think of Seifer – of all people! It was ruining this perfect moment with Squall, who was here, beside her, and in love with her, and wanting to be touched by her. She brought her focus back to the task at hand, increasing the pressure on the side of Squall’s leg and sighing contentedly. What she had with Squall was undoubtedly more substantial than most people would ever find in a lifetime. She had no qualms over taking her time with him, and making him as comfortable and happy as she possibly could. Pressing her lips to his shoulder, she ghosted her hands over the front of his pants. He immediately let out a shudder, and she couldn’t help but smile. This was lovely. Rinoa went on with as much tenderness as she could, gripping him lightly. His whole body was stiff at the shock of it. She propped herself up and kissed his lips, then said, “It’s alright, Squall, you can relax.”His eyes had been shut in concentration, but he opened them and stared intensely at her. “Can I touch you, too?” he asked hoarsely.“Oh,” she said, again regretting the surprise in her tone. She hadn’t counted on his reciprocation. The thought hadn’t even crossed her mind. “Sure,” she shrugged, and he breathed in relief.Squall shifted himself and mimicked her slow movements, pressing his hand down her stomach and reaching the spot between her legs. What happened next astonished her: when his deft fingers began to gently stroke her through the fabric, something awoke deep inside her. Like an ache radiating outward from where he touched her. Her hand was paused, frozen, on top of him, utterly distracted by the ecstasy of his touch. This contact was unlike anything she had ever felt before. It was so distractingly nice. How wonderful that Squall, whom she loved so much, could provide this. Rinoa opened her eyes, not realizing that she had closed them, and saw Squall’s eager face, flush with red, looking back at her. And she suddenly realized that the box Irvine gifted them would be needed much sooner than originally thought.
*
Later that night, Rinoa awoke, startled, her breath caught in her chest. With effort, her eyes opened, and she blinked them deliberately a few times to help herself gain consciousness. Angelo rustled in her makeshift bed below. There was no nightmare that Rinoa was trying to disentangle herself from, but something else had woken her up, making her skin prickle in fear. A terrible murmur sounded in the darkness. “Uhng…No…Nooooooo…”It was Squall. His arm shot up from under the blanket and scratched at something invisible in the air in front of him. There was almost no light in the room, save for whatever faint moonlight crept in from in between the blinds. It must have been the dead middle of the night, maybe two or three in the morning, and the sounds coming from him were eerie in the pitch black. Squall suddenly made a strangled yell and tossed over in the bed, bumping up hard against her side. Rinoa froze, unsure of what to do, feeling his heart pounding through his ribs. She had never seen him scared before. He was her knight, her rock. He was immovable and strong. It was usually Rinoa waking in a blind panic every few nights, caught in nightmares of being possessed by Ultimecia, killing SeeDs and civilians and using her powers to convince people to bow to her will. Squall, in his perfect way, always knew how to calm her immediately. “It’s okay,” he would say to her in the dark, looking into her eyes and helping her steady her breathing, “you are Rinoa. You are not possessed. You’re safe. You’re here with me.”But tonight was different. Tonight it was her turn to do the comforting. It wasn’t fair, she realized immediately, that he was able to help her calm down from the nightmares so easily, and yet here she was, frightened of seeing him like this. Certainly it was to be expected that he would be plagued with nightmares after everything he had been through. She swallowed and tried to figure out what to do.Tentatively, she put a hand on his shoulder, but he immediately pushed it away with an unexpected amount of force and another, “No!” and then sat up panting.At first she couldn’t tell if he was awake or not. “Squall?” she asked, her voice coming out more fearful than she had hoped.He looked down at her, panting and shaking. She knew what she had to do. “It’s okay,” she said, sitting up and putting a hand on his leg. “It was a bad dream. I’m here. We’re all okay.”Rinoa could barely make out his pained expression in the dark: his brows knit together, highlighting the scar between them. For a moment, it seemed that he didn’t recognize her, and the fear in his face grew. It made her stomach turn sour to see him look at her like that, but she forced herself to stay calm for him. “Take some deep breaths with me, like Dr. Kadowaki said,” she whispered, keeping her voice even. “That’s it,” she said, watching his chest rise and fall as she demonstrated what she hoped was a deep inhale. Recognition seemed to hit him, and his face turned painful again. “I’m sorry,” he muttered, turning his head away. “It’s really okay,” she said, rubbing her hand on his back. “I’m here for you, too, you know. I want to be here for you.”He took another shaky breath. “You want to talk about what you saw?” “No,” he said immediately, and plopped back down onto the pillow. “Okay,” she said. She took another deep breath, or rather, an attempt at a deep breath, and lowered her head beside his. Her eyes remained open, staring at the ceiling, pulse still quick. It was obviously a stretch thinking that Squall would want to talk about his dream, but Rinoa would have appreciated a moment to discuss it – to help them come down from the fright and have a moment together to process. But this was Squall, after all. She closed her eyes, fighting back the urge to sit back up and ask him about it anyway. It was just enough to be there for him.
*
The following night was Rinoa’s turn to have a nightmare. She woke, bolting upright in the bed, gasping for air. For once she didn’t wake Squall with petrified screams. A touch of gratefulness flitted through her mind – he deserved to sleep. But too quickly, gruesome images burned in her mind’s eye, dispelling any relief, and a sick feeling twisted her stomach when she recalled the new theme of the dream…She hadn’t been possessed in this dream – instead of Ultimecia simply using her body as a vessel, Rinoa was completely lucid within the dream, and yet she acted according to Ultimecia’s direction. Ultimecia had somehow convinced her to take control of Deling City and kill President Deling – just like what she made Edea do last June. But when Rinoa turned to cast the spell that would kill him, it was Squall standing there instead, unaware and gazing out over the crowd. And she did it. She killed him.Rinoa shuddered uncontrollably and looked down at Squall in the faint gray light. He was sleeping peacefully. She was still stuck on the idea that he deserved a full night of sleep, though her skin was crawling with the horrific image of his body falling slowly on the platform beside her. Attempting to take calming breaths like Dr. Kadowaki had taught her, Rinoa tucked herself back in. But the sickening feeling was not dissipating. Such a terrifying dream made her stomach churn. Why couldn’t she overpower Ultimecia? She had the same magic within her. Why was she overtaken so easily? And why would she kill Squall of all people? Scrunching her eyes tight, as if to stop the images, she tried to logically parse out why she would do something so terrible. Rinoa needed Squall. Ultimecia had relied on her knight, Seifer, so what was the point of convincing Rinoa to kill her own knight? In the stillness of the dark room, her brain whirred like a tornado, confused, trying to make sense of something that made no sense at all. Maybe it had something to do with the fact that she had been avoiding using her powers at all costs, training only on her blaster edge, and so she had almost no grasp of control over her magic. After that day at the beach when she almost hadn’t stopped the Quake spell from hitting Balamb hotel, she had ignored the fact that she was a sorceress.Edea had been trying to get her alone to “talk,” but Rinoa always declined the polite invitations. What use was talking if Rinoa wasn’t going to even use her powers? When she had said something to that effect, Edea had mentioned that it was perfectly acceptable to let her powers stay dormant, and had reminded Rinoa again that she was around to “talk” if she ever wanted to.Maybe it would be smart to have a hold on her powers, though – to practice them and refine them in case of a true emergency. But where could she go to protect people from her training? What if she used something too powerful by accident, and wiped Garden off the map? She realized she was breathing hard again, and the terrible images returned. At first, it was a loop of her knocking all of her friends off their feet with the quake spell. She saw the scene, over and over, and the burn of embarrassment eventually got to be so uncomfortable that she tried to force herself to think about something else. She pulled to mind all the wonderful things that Squall had done for her, and she reached out and held him. But out of nowhere, her brain gave her the dreadful thought of Squall falling over dead on the platform in Deling City. How late was it? She must have been thinking about all this for at least an hour. It was hard to tell if Squall was sleeping or not. She had to stop thinking about the dream. It wasn’t real. It didn’t happen. But like a film reel that she couldn't stop, her memories brought forth Ultimecia's terrible face… striking purple and red tattoos like gruesome arteries on her forehead and cheeks, vicious red lips that spat out nothing but hate, yellow eyes that pierced through time itself… Rinoa's heart was pounding, and like a flood, she was filled with all of the horrific things she could do if Ultimecia possessed her again. What if she possessed her right now? What would she do to Squall? She squeezed him hard, her head spinning."What is it?" Squall said urgently, propping himself up so he could try to look at her in the pitch black. "What's wrong?" Tears burst out of her in one big sob. "I just can't stop thinking about it…" "About what?" he said. "About her," she said, sniffling, gasping for breath. "Squall, what if she comes back for me?" He breathed. He didn't have an answer right away, and that in itself only increased her terror. "I'm right here," he said quickly, laying his head back down and pulling her close. "I'm not going to let anything happen." Her heart was beating far too fast, thumping in her ears like a bass drum. She felt dizzy and disoriented. He needed to understand. "But that's just it, Squall! How would you stop her?! What would you do?!" "It's okay, it's okay," he said, gripping her tightly. "Do you want to go talk to Edea right now? We can go wake her up. Let's go." "No–I don't want to bother her–" Rinoa hiccuped. Squall pulled her up. "She told me to go to her if anything was wrong," he said. "She won't be upset."Still reluctant and panicky, Rinoa gripped Squall's hand as they headed barefoot down the deserted hallways. The tears were drying on her face, her heart rate at a less frantic pounding in her ears. As they stood in the bright light of the elevator, Rinoa thought she must look like such a child. She was wearing Squall's huge SeeD sweats, certainly making her look even smaller and more pathetic. It felt more and more foolish the longer they stood there. What could Edea possibly say to make this situation better? Rinoa could only imagine Edea coaching her on how to suck it up -- this was her life now, after all. Or how she better get a grip on she'd be locked away in the Sorceress Memorial. They arrived at the third floor and went down a corridor that Rinoa had never seen before. Squall knocked on a beautifully carved cherry wood door, and Edea answered in a long black silk dressing gown. Edea had clearly not been sleeping, her eyes bright and the corners of her lips turned down in concern. "Is everything okay, my dears?" she asked."Talk to her, please," Squall said roughly. Edea took a breath, giving no sign of impatience or aggravation, just thoughtfulness. "Please come in." She ushered them into a large, airy room with a high ceiling. Huge cream-colored curtains hung all along one side of the room, apparently covering massive windows that would provide a spectacular view of the Balamb mountains in the daytime. There was a small ornate wooden table on one side of the room, and luxurious dark leather couches and armchairs along the wall. Another ornate wooden coffee table sat between them. The rest of the room was lined with books. Rinoa spotted a few picture frames on the shelves, and what might have been a record player in the corner. "Cid, they're here," Edea called. "Please sit," she gestured to the couch. Cid appeared from another door on the opposite side of the room as they were all sitting down. He was holding a mug of tea, and was in a plush red dressing robe. He sat beside his wife and sipped his tea, wholly unsurprised to see them. "Are you okay, Rinoa?" Edea asked. Rinoa rubbed her eyes, positive she looked like a five-year-old. "I was just having some trouble sleeping," she said. Squall looked sharply at her. She could feel how much he hated that she was downplaying this. "I'm sorry to hear that, though sadly, it's to be expected after all you've been through," Cid said in his fatherly voice. "It's a large burden you bear, Rinoa," Edea said. "The weight of your powers alone is enough to cause you distress. But you must lean on your friends. They are here for you. Squall is here for you." Squall gripped her hand. "If sleeping is an issue, we can ask Dr. Kadowaki for a sleep aid, to help you relax," Cid offered. "She doesn't need drugs," Squall said defensively. "She needs to understand. She needs help. She was having a panic attack or something." Edea gave him a sharp look. Rinoa had never seen her look like that before. Squall shrank back slightly. Was Rinoa missing something? She looked back and forth between them, panic rising in her like bile. "What's going to happen to me?" she asked, knowing full well how pathetic she sounded and not being able to stop it. "What if she possesses me right now?!" "You will be safe with Squall," Edea said patiently. Rinoa didn't want her patience. She wanted a concrete answer. But she could not dare to be rude to Cid and Edea who had done nothing but help her. Biting her lip, she clung to Squall. Squall looked down at her. His eyes were set. "What about the Odine Bangle?" Squall said, looking back up at Cid and Edea. "What if she wears it as a fail-safe?" It was like a reverse deja-vu. He was recommending the Bangle, the same exact item that she recommended Edea wear when she was possessed. But back then, it was a foolish idea. Now, as Squall said it, it felt right. It felt like the best option. How did he always know the right thing to do? Rinoa looked into Edea's worried eyes. "Please," she said. "I want to wear it."Cid and Edea exchanged an unreadable look. "I don't see why not," Cid said quietly to Edea. "If it helps her to feel calm." Edea nodded and retrieved a Bangle from the back room. She handed it to Rinoa and sat back down. Rinoa immediately latched the Bangle to her right wrist. It was bulky and tight, but Rinoa didn't feel any different. "Does it really stop my powers?" she asked Edea. "It does. You can test it, if you like."She held her wrist up, staring at it, and realized she didn't want to risk doing any magic in such a confined space. "But it won't stop her from possessing me, right?" she asked. Edea looked at her with a shrewdness that Rinoa had never seen before. "No, Rinoa, it won't. But I truly don't think you are at any risk. If Ultimecia does possess you again, whatever she attempts to do will not be anywhere near the same magnitude of what we have witnessed over these past few months."Rinoa was still biting her lip, but her breathing slowed. If this Bangle was the best she was able to get, then she would have to suck it up and make do. "Stay near Squall, and your friends," Cid added. "They will keep you safe."Rinoa suddenly felt exhausted. She didn't want to think about it anymore. She leaned heavily against Squall, ready to finally sleep. "Thank you," she said. "I'm sorry to come here like this, so late at night and everything…" Edea finally smiled. "It's really alright," she said. "I'm glad we can be here for you. I didn't have anyone when I was a young sorceress, and I hope it can be different for you, Rinoa." Rinoa's lip trembled at the sentiment. She knew she was probably just tired and overwhelmed, but somehow, Edea's statement was one of the nicest things Rinoa had ever heard. "Come on," Squall said, standing her up. "You need sleep."She let Squall lead her back, and she let him bring her to the bed, where he slid in beside her. "It's going to be okay," he said softly, stroking her hair. "I'm here." She fell asleep instantly.
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
Squall and Rinoa had been waiting in the meeting room for ten minutes. Cid had called Squall up here, and Rinoa had taken the chance to be Squall’s escort. She always wanted to be his escort.But ten minutes felt extraordinarily long to keep their hands to themselves while sitting alone in an empty room. Their plush chairs were already pushed up against each other, and her hand was on a dangerous spot on his thigh. "Come here," Squall said, and she jumped at the invitation, sitting herself comfortably on his lap, arms around his neck. Maybe one day they would get tired of kissing each other. Today was not that day. Rinoa leaned into him, pressing her parted lips to his. For a moment, they stayed like that, lips touching, and he tenderly ran his hands through her hair. She slipped her tongue towards his and he copied her. They gripped each other tightly, memories of their past few nights together flicking in her mind’s eye. She smiled into his mouth. Shifting her weight slightly, Rinoa slid her hand between his legs, not touching anything too sensitive, but devilishly close. He squirmed a bit under her and gripped her a little tighter. Rinoa breathed him in, his presence filling her lungs and expanding her whole self outwards. Nothing in the world mattered but him."Ahh!!!" The door swung open, revealing a wide-eyed Selphie. Her startled shriek surprised Rinoa enough that she leapt up from Squall’s lap, smacking her Bangle hard on the polished wood of the table. Selphie doubled over laughing, and after a breath to collect herself, Rinoa couldn’t help but giggle, too. It was even more amusing to see Squall’s still-agitated face as a flush crept up his cheeks. “How long have you guys been in here?” Selphie choked back tears of mirth. “Cid’s been waiting in his office for you, Squall!”Squall huffed as he stood up and strode past them to the door. “He said – Whatever. I’ll see you later, Rinoa,” he said, and the flush burned a darker red.Rinoa’s beaming smile remained. In fact, she hadn’t really stopped smiling for this entire week. Now that she wore the Odine Bangle all the time, so much of her worry had slipped away. When Squall wasn’t busy, shel and the rest of the crew had been acting like normal teenagers for once in their lives, and it felt so nice. Rinoa had finally found the courage to write to her friends in Timber to assure them that she was okay, and that hopefully she'd see them someday. It was odd to think about how abruptly she had left them and how different she was now, but it felt like so long ago that she had been that silly girl living on a train car in an unfamiliar city. She didn’t dwell on it.“Wanna hang out?” Selphie said. “Let’s paint our nails and read trashy magazines!”“Absolutely,” Rinoa said. They strolled down to the elevator and down Garden’s long hallways, chatting leisurely. “It’s so strange having so much free time,” Selphie said. “It feels…wrong!”“Well, don’t get too excited,” Rinoa said. “I think Cid and Squall are up there planning a whole bunch of work for all of us.”Selphie sighed. “I figured. Idle SeeDs are the devil’s playground, right? I mean, look at Zell.”“I’m sure Zell is the main reason Squall is willing to work with Cid right now,” Rinoa said. “Zell is not meant for time off. I think he was literally bouncing off the walls in his room yesterday.”“Poor guy,” Selphie agreed. “He has no chill.”Rinoa smirked. This, coming from Selphie, the human rocketship. They arrived at Selphie’s room. Rinoa liked it here: it was a haven of normalcy in the otherwise sparse and militaristic Garden, decorated with brightly colored throw-pillows and fairy lights, posters of bands covering most wall space. They took an absurd amount of time choosing from Selphie’s huge range of nail polish colors. Rinoa finally settled on electric blue. Selphie picked clementine orange.Lounging on the floor, Rinoa couldn’t help but relish the moment. She had always really liked Selphie, and here they were, hanging out like best buds. Rinoa didn’t have any close girlfriends, not even back when she was in school. This was nice.“So…” Selphie said with a little eyebrow wiggle. “You and Squall seem to be doing rather well…”There was that incessant smile again. “Yeah, I think we’re doing okay,” she said.“Yeah? And?”“What, do you want all the fine details?” Rinoa asked, amused. “Well, duh!”Rinoa giggled. “Squall would kill me. And come on, you got a pretty good show upstairs.”“I did.” Selphie gagged. “It is so strange seeing Squall so happy like that. Hyne, you really did a number on him, Rinoa. I hope you realize that!”Rinoa was all warm inside. That was all she ever wanted – to make Squall happy.“I guess it helps that he’s officially my knight, now,” Rinoa added offhand. “Like we have this famous bond everyone keeps talking about.”“What?! Really??” Selphie asked, excited. “Can you guys like, read each other’s minds now?”Rinoa tittered. “No, that’s not what that means. Wait,” she said suddenly, “knights and sorceresses read each other’s minds?”Selphie shrugged. “Well, I thought that was part of the bonding thing. What do I know?”“Hmm…” Rinoa said. “I guess I could just use my powers to read his mind…but like, how could he read my mind?”Selphie shrugged again. Rinoa pondered silently at the implication. Read Squall’s mind? That would be quite helpful, indeed. After a moment, Selphie continued her prodding. “So,” she said without looking up from her nails, “have you guys gotten into the condom box yet?”Rinoa threw a cotton ball at her, but laughed despite herself. “No, Selphie! But…I haven’t slept in my dorm once.”Selphie’s jaw dropped in delighted shock. “Wow!”“I know, but don’t tell anybody. They’ll kick me out for sure.”“No, they won’t,” Selphie reassured her. “Everybody likes you too much.”“Really?”“Yes, Rinoa! Do you think we all want to hang out with you because we hate you?!”Rinoa rolled her eyes, but inside she did a little dance for joy. She really liked them, too. After a moment of companionable silence, in which they concentrated on getting perfect brush strokes, Rinoa said, “So, have you gotten into Irvine’s box of condoms yet?”“Rinoa!!!” Selphie shrieked, throwing several more cotton balls. “You’re so dumb! Irvy’s so stupid.”“Right, stupid,” Rinoa giggled. “So stupid that you have a big, stupid crush on him.”“Ahhhh!!!” Selphie buried her face into a pillow to scream, carefully holding her fingernails out so as to not smudge the paint. She emerged after a moment, panting. “I don’t have a crush on him!”It was so incredibly tempting to tease her further, but Rinoa backed off. “Alright, alright. What about Quistis? Is she into anyone?”Selphie quirked an eyebrow up at Rinoa. “What?” Rinoa said, puzzled.“Isn’t it obvious?”“What do you mean?”Selphie was wincing. She took a deep breath and said, “Quisty still likes Squall.”Rinoa went slightly cold. “Wait, really? I thought… didn't she… she said she misunderstood her feelings?"“No, no, no,” Selphie said sadly, then blew on her wet nails. “She said that, but it was just an excuse. Quisty could have any guy she wants except Squall. It’s almost, like, embarrassing.”Rinoa must have still looked puzzled, because Selphie continued. “You don’t get it,” she said. “The guys here at Garden have this weird obsession with her. Girls, too, actually. There's a fan club and everything. I mean, maybe I'm reading too much into it, but I think she made up the whole thing about having 'sisterly affection' for him. I think she just wanted a way to gracefully back down." Rinoa frowned slightly. Now it made sense that Quistis was always slightly distant towards her. "But Quistis is so… perfect," Rinoa said lamely. "Maybe too perfect," Selphie said casually. "She's on a whole 'nother level.""Aww, we should have invited her to paint nails today," Rinoa said. "I don't want her to think I don't like her…" "Eh," Selphie shrugged, blowing on her nails. "She'll get over it."Rinoa shrugged, too, but it made her feel odd. It would be a shame if Quistis harbored any ill-feelings towards her. She didn’t know what to make of it."Ooh, let's do makeovers, too! Just for fun!" Selphie bounced over to her wardrobe. "You're a bit taller than me, but maybe you can fit into some of my clothes, anyway!" Half an hour later, Rinoa was twirling around in a short tulle dress, her dark hair twisted up into a complicated knot. She danced over to the small bathroom to look at her makeup in the mirror – Selphie had an extensive eye shadow collection as well, and had insisted on practicing all of her cosmetic skills. The mirror was not big, the bathroom light was not flattering, and maybe the pink and purple eyeshadow was a tad over-the-top. Regardless, Rinoa gazed at herself, smitten with her own reflection. She felt so pretty. And she knew the hair and makeup and outfit had nothing to do with it. It was a stranger, deeper feeling; Squall loved her, and he wanted to kiss her and touch her and be near her all the time. And it showed on her face. It made her glow. She sighed in the pleasure of it all."Now do mine!" Selphie said from back in the room. Rinoa did as requested, drawing on all of her knowledge from her boarding school makeovers from several lifetimes ago. When she was done, Selphie was squealing again, and turned her boom box on to some fun punk song Rinoa didn’t know. The next thing they knew, both girls were dancing around the room, throwing pillows all over the place and giggling wildly, far too enthusiastic for Squall's serious demeanor when he arrived an hour later, looking for Rinoa. "You look…nice?" he said when she answered the door, Angelo beside him.Rinoa burst out laughing, but Selphie threw a pillow at Squall. "She's your girlfriend, Squall! That's not supposed to be a question!" Rinoa pecked Squall’s cheek and grabbed his hand. "How was Cid? Are you hungry? I'm starving. I hope there's french fries today!" "Yeah, let's go eat," he said. "I want to talk to everybody about what Cid and I discussed." "Sounds serious," Rinoa said, still not feeling serious at all as the three of them headed to the cafeteria, Angelo trotting at their heels.Selphie, however, was suddenly all business. "Did you guys talk about Trabia?" she asked, looking up at him expectantly. "I'll tell you everything when we have everyone together," Squall said. He sounded very much like Garden's commander once more. It was highly attractive. Rinoa had to remind herself that Trabia Garden's destruction was a very real and serious thing. It was inappropriate to be thinking about Squall and his commander's voice, and how strong he sounded, and how sexy… "But–" Selphie protested. "Trabia Garden is being taken care of, for the time being," Squall said. "And we've got to come up with a long-term plan to help them. It’s…complicated. Rebuilding the facility is only the first step." As more and more SeeDs returned home from missions, Garden's cafeteria was now often clogged at mealtimes. The lunch rush today was even more hectic than usual. "This is a terrible place to talk," Squall said as soon as they entered. "Help me find Zell, Quistis, and Irvine. We can go somewhere quieter." "But food!" Rinoa whined, trailing behind him. He was scouring the long line of people, looking for their friends. By the time they got all the way to the front of the line, a few cadets had noticed Squall. "Commander," one of them said, "please, you and your girlfriend can cut in front of us." "What am I, chopped liver?!" Selphie protested. "No, it's okay–" Squall began. But Rinoa stepped lightly in front of the young boys. "Thank you," she said, and Squall rolled his eyes, stepping beside her and grabbing a tray. Selphie snuck in, too, sticking her tongue out at nobody. "You two are like, royalty, ya know," she said, mildly annoyed. "We know," Rinoa said happily. It was really something that everyone in Garden knew her as "the commander's girlfriend," and not "Sorceress Rinoa." She liked it that way. Though, how long it would last, she didn't know. They grabbed food. Today's lunch was a Balamb Garden specialty: fish sticks. Eventually they found the others scattered about. Squall convinced them to move into the faculty lounge, which was much quieter. A handful of teachers sat peacefully grading papers and avoiding their fish sticks. "What can we do for you, good buddy?" Irvine asked Squall as they all sat together, sliding their trays onto the little tables. Rinoa pushed the food around on her plate. She hated fish sticks. Balamb really needed to sort out its cuisine. "Is our PTO finally coming to an end?" Zell asked hopefully. "And what the hell happened to your faces?" Quistis asked Selphie and Rinoa. "Cid and I have had a lot to talk about," Squall said before Rinoa and Selphie could answer. "I have let him know my… thoughts and concerns… about how SeeD has been run in the past…" "You mean you yelled at him for being a big old coward and putting you in charge so he could run away?" Selphie asked. A teacher at a table nearby cocked her head and stared curiously. "Well," Squall sighed impatiently. "It was a little more than just that…" He looked rather torn. Rinoa felt a sinking feeling in her stomach when she realized why. Cid had only run away because he didn't want to have to kill his wife, Edea, who had gone rogue, unknowingly possessed by Ultimecia from the future. Did Squall talk to him about that? Did Cid remind Squall that he would have to kill Rinoa if she ever went off the deep end? Rinoa had accepted that truly terrible fact as soon as she knew she had become a sorceress. The moment came to her so vividly…standing at the flower field with him…
“SeeD will kill me, right? And the leader of SeeD is you, Squall…Squall’s sword will pierce my heart…I guess it’s okay if it’s you, Squall. Nobody else.”
He’d hated that she’d said it then. She glanced down at the Bangle and surreptitiously checked it to ensure it was all the way around her wrist.Squall continued, jolting her back to the conversation at hand. "Cid and I talked for a while about how Garden is going to fundamentally change. We cannot rely on GFs the way we've done in the past. The memory loss is too big a price to pay. And we’ve discussed at length about finding an alternative to the mercenary system. We’re not sending kids out for hire like that anymore – I can’t stomach it. But that was our paycheck. So we'll have to figure out what to do." A warmth spread throughout Rinoa. She was so proud of him for making these huge decisions, to really speak his mind to Cid for the first time – to stop being the brainless soldier who blindly followed orders – and to use his influence to make positive change. "Thank Hyne," Irvine said under his breath. "Y'all were like a bunch of weird zombies using those GFs for so long." "Anyway," Squall said, "we've also gotten a request from President Loire in Esthar–" "Sir Laguna?!" Selphie squeaked. Squall shot her an annoyed look. "Yes, Laguna. He's asking for Balamb Garden to assist in hosting an international summit. He’s calling it The Nations Rebuild summit. He thinks Balamb Town, being neutral, will be a good place to bring all the world players together. He's hoping to get a sort of peace treaty written preemptively, so that some idiots don't come in and try to swoop down on places like Trabia and Timber, for example.""That's going to take a huge amount of planning," Quistis said. She was avoiding the fish sticks, as well. "Obviously," Squall said, deadpan. Rinoa stifled a giggle. "And you'll be happy to hear that you'll be the one to plan it," Squall said to Quistis, who looked slightly taken aback, but pleased. "Cid was thinking you and Xu could be the leads on it. Coordinate the event itself. Cid and Edea and I will be working with Loire to come up with a sort of proposal for the treaty.”“This is going to take months, Squall,” Quistis said. “This is a huge operation we’re talking about here. What is Garden going to be doing in the meantime? What will all the SeeDs do sitting around here?”“Yeah, how are we gonna get paid if we’re not taking missions and stuff?” Zell asked. He had already devoured his fish sticks. They weren’t his beloved hot dogs, but he was clearly hungry enough to finish them within seconds. Rinoa started feeding hers one at a time to Angelo, who had parked herself happily under Rinoa’s chair.“Well, that’s where Irvine is going to come in,” Squall said, turning to him. Irvine sat up a little straighter, puffing his chest out. He wasn't officially a SeeD yet, having only just officially transferred to Balamb Garden. “Selphie and Zell, I thought you two could help Irvine with restructuring our SeeD graduation program. If we’re going to step away from our mercenary paycheck, we’re going to have to get creative with what SeeD graduates can actually do. Quistis and Rinoa,” Rinoa perked up at the sound of her name, “I want your input, too. We need an income, of course, but how can we put ourselves to good use? Peaceful purposes. All that shit.”Rinoa grinned at him, but he was in full commander mode, nowhere near returning her smile. “We can come up with something, right guys?!” Zell said, pounding a fist on the table. “Well, if we can save the world, we can do fuckin’ anything,” Irvine said.“Alright, let’s take a day or so to figure out what the hell SeeD is going to do, and we’ll get moving on it as soon as possible. There are too many bored mercenaries running around this place…”Just as he said it, a loud shout echoed from the main cafeteria, and there was a sudden increase in noise. They all ran to the door and peered out to a massive food fight that had erupted. Fish sticks and milk cartons were flying everywhere. Squall sighed and turned right back around to the faculty room. “We need to get these idiots out of here…”
*
It was once again made very obvious that Rinoa’s methods of brainstorming were far inferior to the elite military training of SeeD. For hours that day, the six of them sat in the meeting room, hashing out different ways of restructuring SeeD. Squall and Quistis were in and out several times, talking with Cid in his office about plans for the international summit. Even Zell, who usually came across as a complete live wire, was in military mode when it came to the planning process. Rinoa leaned in and tried to keep up with them. She learned quickly that her ideas needed to be well-thought out before she brought them up, or else they would shoot her down immediately, making her feel like an idiot.But in the end, it was one of her half-brained ideas that actually got the ball rolling. After half a dozen ideas had been discussed and tossed out, she made the point that, “Maybe we should avoid people at all…like, we could help with natural disasters, or, wild monster eradication, or something…and we could even get wealthy philanthropists on board to help with funding for the time being. I know there’s a handful of people in Deling City who might be interested. And I’m sure there’s others out there who’d be interested. Maybe in Esthar or Dollet.” It was gratifying to see Quistis’s eyebrows go up thoughtfully. “You know, that’s actually not a bad start,” she said. And thus, the Balamb Monster Eradication Program was born. For several more days, they ironed out the details. Selphie and Zell would work closely with the Balamb government, working on an agreement that would use Balamb taxpayer money to help fund the initiative. They were going off of the hope that Balamb government officials would be keen on the idea, as the nation of Balamb prided itself as a peaceful oasis, and Garden’s presence often threatened that. This would be a chance to turn a new leaf – to create a cooperative relationship. Irvine would assist with the project, helping mainly to coordinate SeeDs to go out to the field. It was decided that Rinoa could assist with the work on a volunteer basis, with solely the use of her blaster edge weapon. She was glad to be included, though it was admittedly awkward that they always had to find a way to sneak her into their plans. She again wondered if it would be easier if she simply became a SeeD herself. But always, as soon as the thought came to mind, Rinoa would dismiss it, realizing just how many boring classes she’d have to sit through just to get where she already was within the hierarchy. There were several late evenings through this planning process, and Rinoa was always relieved to walk back to Squall’s dorm, hand in hand, to decompress and have alone time. But on one particular evening, he said something that no happy girlfriend wants to hear.“We have to talk,” he said as they entered his room. She sat on the bed, looking nervously up at him. He was too agitated to sit beside her, and so he paced uncomfortably. This statement alone took a lot out of him, so she did her best to respond with grace.“About what?” She swallowed, dreading whatever he was going to say.“We have to decide what you want to do – about your powers.”That was not what she expected. “What do you mean? I’m happy wearing the Bangle. It would be great if it was a little bit smaller, but I’m not complaining. Is there a problem with that?”“No.” He pinched the bridge of his nose on either side of his scar, clearly flustered. “No, I just want to know what you want. Do you want to wear that Bangle forever? Do you want to try taking it off? Do you want to stay here at Garden?”Where was all of this coming from? She stared, perplexed. “I don’t know, Squall,” she said after a moment. “Am I…allowed to stay here?”“Yes, that’s not–” He sighed. “I’m just trying to get an idea about…your plans…for the future.”His statement stung. “What do you mean, ‘my plans’? I want to stay with you, Squall. I thought that was obvious.” He was silent, looking like he was trying to phrase his next thought carefully. “Laguna was hoping we could put you in the treaty,” he finally said. “Oh, shit,” she said. “Are people talking about me? Do they know who I am?““No,” he said quickly. “He’s hoping to keep it quiet, to keep you anonymous. But he’s talking about how the people of Esthar especially need to know that, um…”“What do they need to know, Squall?”“They need to know that they are safe from you.”She nodded calmly, though his words hit her like a ton of bricks. How could she, Rinoa Heartilly, be this important? So powerful that she had to have an international treaty written about her to ensure the world’s safety? It was surreal.“Okay,” she said with a steadying breath. “Tell them I’ll wear the Bangle. Tell them I’ll be here, in Balamb, peacefully working with SeeD.”Squall was still anxiously peering at her. “So, that’s what you want?” he asked. “You want to stay?”It suddenly dawned on her what was really going on here. “Oh, Squall,” she said, standing up and sliding her arms around him. “ Of course I want to stay.”He nodded, but his jaw was still clenched. His hands were stiff on her waist. “Okay,” he said softly.She kissed his temple and leaned into him. “I want to stay with you , Squall,” she said again, this time right into his ear.He swallowed. “Okay.” “Do you want me to stay?” “Yes,” he breathed.Rinoa kissed his lips softly and slowly. After a moment, Squall’s muscles relaxed, his jaw unclenched. He wrapped himself around her, kissing her hard. Pressing her hips into his, Rinoa felt the pressure of his hands grip her tighter. She stepped backwards towards the bed, bringing him with her as he hungrily continued kissing, moving his lips down her neck. She allowed herself to fall backwards, and he climbed beside her, his eyes full of longing.
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
Rinoa was on her back in Squall’s bed, eyes closed and lost in the wonderful new skill that Squall was learning with his mouth.
It was a nice way to de-stress.
They had been “de-stressing” a lot these past few months in the lead up to the Nations Rebuild summit. Squall, for one, surely needed a way to unwind, having spent so many intense hours trying to solve every problem known to humanity.
But Rinoa was always there waiting for him at the end of the day, grateful to be the one he trusted, the one he loved.
And they didn't
always
wind up in this sort of position. Often he needed to talk, or vent, and she listened for as long as he needed, talking things out with him to make sense of their new world. If this was her role here in Garden, then so be it. She accepted it happily.
She threaded her fingers through his hair – something she was fond of doing these days. The simple action of winding her hands through the strands, her fingertips lingering luxuriously, made her feel so in love with him. Maybe because he trusted her enough to do something so tender. Something so tender that if she had tried last summer, would have caused him to take off running. But she could do it now. She could do it whenever she wanted, and he wouldn’t stop her.
He then did something different with his mouth – she had no idea what – but it was like a shot of pure adrenaline, making her hips buck upward involuntarily and clasp her hand over her mouth. It would not do if the moans escaped her. She didn’t know how thin the walls were, and Squall would be so embarrassed if anyone heard.
But keeping quiet, in general, was a difficult task. Over the months Squall and Rinoa had been together, Rinoa had found the more they explored each other with their mouths and hands, the more she was consumed with desire, wanting him more and more each time.
Rinoa had never been a patient person.
She wasn’t quite sure what fear was holding her back from the act of sex itself – maybe that she wasn’t going to like it, or that
he
wasn’t going to like it, or that it would change them somehow.
It was nice, incredible even, what he made her feel, and Rinoa sighed at the pleasure of it. But it simply wasn’t enough anymore. She had reached a threshold. The fear was officially gone, replaced with nothing but wanting.
“Squall…” she breathed.
He paused and looked up.
“Do you want to get a condom?”
He froze, and she couldn’t help but giggle.
“Really?” he whispered. His eyes were bright and intense, clearly looking forward to this moment, maybe not expecting it to come so soon.
Hyne, he was good to her.
She grinned even wider and nodded.
With a certain quickness, he leapt from the bed and retrieved a condom from the box they had hidden in the closet.
While Squall’s back was turned, Rinoa removed the rest of her clothes. She arranged herself in what she hoped was a tantalizing view, propping herself up on one elbow, legs stretched out, ready to give her entire self.
It was beyond delightful to see his eyes widen again when he turned back towards her, blue wrapper in hand. That same quickness returned and he, too, stripped down to nothing.
Rinoa drank in the glory of her love’s sculpted body, and thought, not for the first time, that she did not deserve him. His muscled chest, strong shoulders, the way his waist went in and his hips jutted out a bit, his lean thighs…
Her heart was pounding hard, anticipating him being on top of her.
Squall returned to the bed and kissed her, his hands traveling slowly over her stomach and breasts with the slightest tremble. “You’re so beautiful,” he whispered. “I don’t deserve you.”
Rinoa squeezed his arm. “Don’t you ever say that again, Squall Leonhart.”
He took a deep breath, staring into her eyes, then leaned in and kissed her again. Their hands wandered lower, their breathing got quicker, his grip fascinatingly tight on her hips.
But when he spoke again, his voice was gentle. “Are you sure you want to do this?”
“Absolutely,” Rinoa said. “Are you?”
He swallowed nervously, but nodded. “I’m afraid I’m going to hurt you.”
“I’m sure it will be fine,” she said, her mind made up that she was willing to risk it. “Just go slow and we’ll see what happens.”
Carefully, taking his time, Squall slid the condom on, then climbed on top of her, kissing her sweetly. Rinoa could feel him so close to her, teasing unbearably. She wanted to yell at him, “Just do it!” but didn’t think that would help. So she waited, agonized, while he continued to kiss and torture.
Finally, Squall positioned himself to get ready for the act itself. A sudden flood of nervousness hit her. Maybe this
was
going to hurt.
“Just tell me if you need me to stop,” he said.
Rinoa gulped in response, and was startled when he actually
did it
. It didn’t seem right – it wasn’t at all pleasant the way she had expected. Rinoa’s heart was pounding harder still in rising panic.
Squall continued, slowly, carefully. She couldn’t tell exactly what was going on, but it was becoming clear that this was
not
feeling good. Rinoa gritted her teeth, knowing the expression on her face could not have been encouraging.
“Are you okay?” he asked, not moving, his voice tense.
She didn’t know how to respond. This was awful. But maybe it was a necessary part of the process and it was just about to get better. Rinoa had no idea.
“Just keep going,” she said, compromising, trying to keep the pain out of her voice.
“I can stop, it’s really okay,” Squall said with a touch more tenderness.
“Let’s just try for a little longer,” she said. “I’m okay.”
“Okay.”
He continued the slow slide, and she distantly recognized how admirable that he could be in such control of himself while in such a vulnerable position. But the next little nudge he gave was too much, and she let out an involuntary gasp of pain.
He immediately pulled out. “Fuck, Rinoa, I’m sorry–”
“Don’t, it’s really okay–”
“Are you alright? Can I get you anything?”
“No, I’m really okay, but I…” Rinoa quietly assessed the situation. With great frustration, she closed her eyes and said, “I’m so sorry, Squall, but I don’t think I can keep going.”
“Don’t worry about it,” he said, stroking her hair. “I can go down on you again, if you’d like–”
“No,” she said too quickly, then attempted a cool recovery, “I’m good.” An ache was starting to form, and not a pleasant one. There was no way she could tell him how badly this hurt – there was too big a chance he would blame himself. “I’m sure I’ll be okay. I’m sorry to cut it short. We’ll try again soon. But hey,” she said, suddenly smiling, “we had sex!”
He chuckled and rolled off of her, and she was glad to amuse him after a disappointing first time. Rinoa ignored the strange new pain that pulsed between her legs and leaned over, intent on making it up to him in other ways.
She froze, though, horror-struck to find a red mark on her leg.
“Oh, Hyne!” she muttered, and dashed to the bathroom, frantic and angry and embarrassed.
Rinoa bit down hard on her tongue, annoyed that tears of anger were pricking her eyes as she quickly cleaned herself up, cursing the stupidity of it all. Of course, Rinoa had heard that this sometimes happened during the first time, but she had somehow been convinced that she was immune from it.
It was not supposed to go this way. Their first time was supposed to be beautiful, and special, and she ruined it.
And how was it that Squall had such amazing self control? The thought made her even angrier.
Rinoa washed her hands and turned to go back to the bed, trying to figure out what else to say to dispel the embarrassment that still coursed through her.
But Squall was there, arms crossed and blocking the doorway, now in his boxer briefs and looking lovingly at her.
Why was he standing there, and looking so calm and sweet? Rinoa stared up at him, confused.
And then, like he always did, he wrapped his arms around her and enveloped her in his strong embrace, washing every worry away.
“Let’s just relax for the night,” he said softly into her hair.
She looked up at him again, still confused as to why he was so good to her. “Are you sure? I don’t mind if you’d like to finish…I can understand if you’re disappointed…”
“I’m not,” he said firmly. “We’ll have a lot of time to figure this out. I don’t mind at all. I’m still the luckiest man alive to even have you…to be here at all, actually…”
Letting herself melt into him, she let her own gratitude sweep over her. He wasn’t upset.
Not for the first time, she wondered when his patience with her would wear thin.
But it wasn’t wearing thin now. He was her sturdy rock. It was going to be okay.
*
Rinoa awoke, still sore and embarrassed from last night’s events. Squall was already up, of course, moving purposefully about the room to prepare for his day.
He was polite and didn’t bring up their misadventure. They moved about their usual morning routine: walk to breakfast hand-in-hand, eat a quiet meal, then Rinoa was passed off to whatever handler of the day while Squall had a full morning of meetings and planning.
Today’s handler was Quistis. Normally Quistis was too busy to mind her, as she was tasked with the arrangements of the Nations Rebuild summit, but they were all clearly on some kind of babysitting rotation and Quistis hadn’t had a turn in a while.
Rinoa would usually be apprehensive to sit in Quistis’s office for several awkward hours, trying to figure out how to contribute to the summit planning process without being shut down at every turn.
Then there was the fact that she
wanted
to be friends with Quistis, but could not seem to pierce the icy shell.
Today, though, to Rinoa’s surprise, none of it bothered her.
Rinoa sat upright in the chair in the corner of Quistis’s new third-floor office, her mind completely elsewhere.
She had sex with Squall last night
. The thought was so pervasive that she wondered if everyone could see it written on her face. Didn’t they know? Garden’s commander and his girlfriend had
sex.
“Rinoa? Rinoa, did you hear me?”
Rinoa startled and looked back into Quistis’s blue eyes. Rinoa had thought she was on a phone call or something, not directly addressing Rinoa. Not a single word of what Quistis had said had penetrated Rinoa’s brain.
“Oh, what? Sorry,” Rinoa said.
“I wanted to get your intel on the economic situation in Timber,” Quistis said, a familiar tone of impatience in her voice, “so I can call the Timber representatives and not sound like a complete fool.”
“Oh, right,” Rinoa said. The ache between her legs was still there as she shifted her weight and tucked a leg underneath her.
Okay, focus
. What did she know about the economics of Timber? “Well, I didn’t even live there a full year…I don’t know…people complained about money all the time?”
Quistis looked back at her incredulously, but decided to change tact. “Alright, what about the Timber Owls specifically? What kind of financial backing did they have?”
Rinoa did her best to look engaged while Quistis asked unanswerable question after unanswerable question. She was just so damn
distracted.
Quistis eventually gave up and made the phone call to the Timber government office while Rinoa sat there, hoping her eyes hadn’t glazed over.
It was weird, Rinoa realized, that the ache between her legs was the same ache as last night, but it wasn’t exactly painful. It was just
there
. The more she focused on it, the more she thought maybe it didn’t hurt at all.
She might be willing to try again.
In fact, she thought she might be willing to try again
right now
.
Rinoa couldn't stop herself from imagining barging into Cid’s office, grabbing Squall by the scruff of his shirt, and dragging him out of there for the sole purpose of giving it another shot.
The fantasy got her all hot and bothered. She sat there, stupidly pretending to pay attention for over an hour, until she worked herself into a frenzy.
Quistis finally hung up the phone with a sigh. “Lunch?” she asked politely. Rinoa nodded, dimly aware that Quistis wasn’t even trying to hide the babysitting facade anymore. Whatever. She was going to see her sexy, sweet, amazing boyfriend.
Sure enough, Squall was trailing out behind a few SeeDs that had been in Cid’s office with him, and he had his little hint of a smile for her that drove her absolutely wild. Their hands slid into one another’s, as they always did now, and together they went down to the caf for their lunch break.
Rinoa wasn’t the slightest bit hungry. She sat herself on Squall’s lap, as she usually did for lunch, but today a warmth spread outward from her stomach as she did so. She forced herself to shove a french fry in her mouth in an attempt to not look like some sort of sex-crazed lunatic.
Too late.
She didn’t want to wait until evening.
“Hey,” she whispered into his ear.
Squall paused mid-bite, fork poised in midair, and looked sidelong at her.
“I was thinking I’d like to try again.”
He put his fork down and slipped his arms around her. The warmth in her stomach was turning into a fire.
“I’m glad you’re feeling okay,” he said softly.
Rinoa simply stared at him. She didn’t have the capacity to say anything more without risking the madwoman look she was trying hard to avoid.
But the longer she stared, the wider his eyes got. “Do you mean right now?”
She bit her lip in response, too embarrassed to nod her head, but not able to deny it.
Squall was silent for a beat, and then, “Well, I’m not really that hungry,” he said, his voice dry.
Rinoa slid off his lap, and they took off to his room without a word.
*
The opening day of the Nations Rebuild international summit finally arrived as Balamb started to feel the first touch of cold winter air. It was technically winter already, but the mild climate of the island meant it wasn’t bound to get much colder. Squall had told her they were likely to only get one or two light snows, and Rinoa could imagine how pretty the Balamb landscape would look with a powdery-white dusting. Not like the slushy gray of Deling City’s winters.
Rinoa was grateful. She’d never liked the cold.
She stepped into the elevator that morning and adjusted a long black veil over her face. It was meant to keep her face hidden in case any visitors caught a glimpse of her.
Squall, Selphie, Zell, Irvine, and Angelo filed into the elevator behind Rinoa, escorting her away from the proceedings to further ensure her protection. Quistis was at the front gate of Garden, ready to greet dignitaries and politicians. Squall would need to join Quistis soon. He hit the button for the third floor.
"Isn't this a bit ridiculous?" Rinoa asked Squall as she continued tugging at the veil.
"Edea thought it was a good plan," Squall said impatiently. "Not many people know what you look like yet and we're trying to keep it that way." The stress and exhaustion radiated off of him. The past two months had stretched him to a breaking point.
Squall had been working tirelessly with Cid, Edea, and Quistis to coordinate this event. Everything was proving to be a huge hassle: Balamb Town refused to host it, and so Garden itself had to transform the ballroom into a suitable meeting site, meaning construction and delays and overall frustration.
On top of that, certain world players had been particularly hesitant to participate. Notably, Trabia's prime minister had changed her mind several times, delaying the event each time. This gave Squall and the whole Garden team multiple false starts, in which they had to scramble to cancel and reschedule.
If that in itself wasn't a big enough nightmare, communicating across oceans was still maddeningly difficult. Now that Sorceress Adel had been destroyed, a handful of SeeDs had been dispatched to assist in a Fisherman Horizon's initiative to restore radio, satellite, and internet communication across the world. But it was a long and arduous process and was nowhere near complete.
Rinoa would have been understanding of Squall's short temper even if that was all he had to deal with. But no, in addition to this monumental task, he was also attempting to completely redefine SeeD and Garden, fitting in extra meetings with Cid whenever he could. Amid all of the stress, Squall leaned on Rinoa, and she did her best to support him through it all, sometimes merely holding him while he calmed down from whatever worry was plaguing him that day.
But everyone was on edge today, Rinoa included. She simply didn't have the bandwidth to brush off Squall’s moodiness. And she could admit, even in the moment, she felt the snub from him harder than she would have liked.
Rinoa and Squall had been together for several months. They had shared so much. Why couldn’t he spare her a soft look, or a hand squeeze, or anything other than pure agitation towards her? She was on his side!
She wanted to call him out on it – but she bit her tongue. Somehow it didn’t seem prudent to stoke this particular fire at the moment.
"Well it feels more like part of the prison sentence," she said, compromising with her own foul mood, and tugging more at the veil. "I might wage an escape," she joked. "I mean, I got you guys out of D-District prison, I could bust myself out of here."
Squall was ominously silent. He was not pleased.
"I think you're making an awesome fashion statement!" Selphie said as the elevator zoomed up to the third floor.
"Oh, is that right?" Rinoa asked sarcastically as she tried to detangle the long veil from her Bangle.
Squall scoffed and Rinoa stuck her tongue out at him. He didn't see it. Probably for the best.
They had turned the meeting room into a viewing room to help Rinoa keep a low profile. The summit would be filmed and broadcast onto Garden's closed circuit television.
They filled the room, and Rinoa secretly wished they had thought to bring snacks. This whole thing was expected to take days. They should have considered making it a little more comfortable.
"Hello?"
The meeting room door opened and a familiar face peeked around it. It was Ellone. Everyone cheered and greeted her warmly, and even Squall looked a little less murderous.
Ellone entered the room like a dream: she seemed to float, not walk; her peaceful demeanor permeating the very air they breathed. She tucked a lock of her short brown hair behind her ear, modest and unassuming, smiling at them in her quiet way.
To Rinoa, Ellone was ever the enigma. She was twenty-two, a few years older than all of them, but wise beyond her years, giving the impression that she had lived several previous lives and knew so much more than she could ever tell. Ellone had a unique magical ability: she could send the consciousness of a person back in time to view the past. It was this talent that had allowed them to cast the spell to finally beat Ultimecia.
Ellone had been like a big sister to Squall and the rest of the team. As their memories returned, they referred to her as Big Sis, though Rinoa was quite sure that none of them were actually related. Squall especially had a special connection with her, and she knew from the bits and pieces he had revealed from his past that Ellone had been taken away, put into hiding for her magical ability, when Squall was still very young. Rinoa knew he still felt the effects of that horrible memory even today.
"Good to see you, Sis," Squall said with a hug. Despite her annoyance with him, Rinoa was glad to see him relax a little. She was glad Ellone could coax him like that.
“Rinoa,” Ellone said with her warm smile, extending her arms out for an embrace. Rinoa accepted the hug, awkwardly so, intimidated by Ellone's perfect serenity.
"I take it Laguna's waiting for me downstairs?" Squall asked Ellone.
"He's very happy to finally see you in person again," Ellone said with a sweet smile.
Squall shook his head, annoyed. Laguna had always rubbed him the wrong way.
Rinoa had removed the blasted veil, and so Squall granted her a quick kiss before departing. He was not his usual affectionate self. She wished she could grab him and give him some words of encouragement, or even just a better kiss, but he was already leaving.
"Behave yourselves," he said as he closed the door behind him.
Rinoa took a deep breath and plopped herself in a plush chair beside Selphie, Ellone sitting on Selphie’s other side.
Rinoa was already bored.
*
After several torturous hours, the first day of the summit was called to a close. Unfortunately, Rinoa was trapped upstairs in the meeting room as all of the dignitaries and politicians slowly filed out of the assembly, dragging their feet as they stopped and talked to one another. Cid and Edea had made it very clear that Rinoa should make every attempt to avoid being seen, veil or not.
Squall was stuck talking to Laguna, and Rinoa laughed as she watched the struggle live on CCTV. Squall was inching away, posture clearly not open for chatting, but Laguna was oblivious. It wasn’t clear on the screen, but Rinoa could imagine Laguna’s big, easy smile as he blabbed on about something silly, infuriating Squall even more.
Laguna’s posture, of course, was easy. He seemed to sway musically as he spoke, his gesticulations endearing and funny. Rinoa couldn’t hear it, but Laguna threw his head back in laughter, then ran an easy hand through his long dark hair.
Squall finally broke away, and half an hour later, arrived with Quistis. They had dinner in styrofoam containers for everyone. Rinoa was grateful: she had been starving.
Ellone stayed to eat dinner with them, and soon Cid and Edea arrived. They all wanted to hash out the details of everything that had been discussed during the day.
Rinoa did not openly admit that she had barely paid attention. She had spent a good deal of time daydreaming and playing with Angelo. Aside from that, Rinoa and Selphie had taken to drawing doodles to each other, making pictures of things they'd rather be doing, like eating doughnuts or having a dance party. Selphie, however, had been able to pay attention regardless, and thus she participated in the conversation much more than Rinoa.
Squall was tense beside her. He hadn't spoken much during the debrief. He hadn’t even made eye contact with her. She thought to reach her hand out to his thigh, or to say something sweet to him and make him snap out of it, but…
His coldness was so intense.
Rinoa could probably write a book about how masterfully Squall could shut down. But it felt different now…he hadn’t shut her out like this since the war.
If only Rinoa could take a peek into Squall’s brain. She felt an itch at her fingertips to reach right into his psyche and understand what she could do to help him relax. But the Odine Bangle would stop that before she even began. And would it be fair to do that to him, unbidden? Rinoa would have to rely on a normal girl’s ability to decipher her boyfriend’s moods.
Maybe he had seen the doodles and was disappointed in her. After all, half of the reason this summit was happening was because of her very existence. Or, at least, the existence of power within her. She crumpled up the papers in front of them, hiding the evidence of her disrespect.
Quistis was now droning on about the representatives from Centra, but Rinoa was miles away. She suddenly felt guilty that they had all gone through this trouble of arranging this entire event just because of some stupid sorceress powers that she didn’t even want.
It was even kind of funny when Laguna had presented to the entire assembly how she was "well-protected and guarded," thinking how silly everyone would have felt to know how she was just hanging out upstairs doodling with her friends.
But as she looked around her now, she remembered that she
was
well-guarded. She was being guarded by the same fighters that took down Ultimecia. Maybe they were her friends, but they were most definitely also her guards. The thought sent a shiver up her spine.
In fact, Squall and Cid, and all of Balamb Garden really, were going well out of their way to house her, and feed her, and generally take care of her. Why?
And what did she contribute? Well, other than slaying a few monsters here and there, she did nothing. She played around with her friends when they took breaks from fixing the world. She complained about the precautions put in place for her.
"Was it weird for you?" Zell asked, and it took Rinoa a second to realize everyone was looking at her. "To see your dad in there and not go talk to him?"
Rinoa shook herself from her thoughts. "No, it wasn't weird," she said decidedly. "I don't really consider him to be my father. He's just General Caraway."
"Acting President Caraway," Quistis corrected.
Rinoa made an impudent face and sank back into her chair. Talking about her father was the last thing she wanted to do. She had run away from him for good reason. He was everything she hated: cruel, unfeeling, cold and calculating. He had served as a general in the oppressive Deling regime, perpetuating a cycle of violence and assisting in the raid and terror of occupying the peaceful country of Timber. Now that he was president she wanted even less to do with him.
She suddenly didn't want to be in the stuffy meeting room anymore. "Can we go now?" she asked the room, knowing very well that she sounded like a brat. "Everyone's gone out there, right?"
Cid mercifully took the cue and dismissed them, and Squall immediately stood and started the departure, not sparing even a sidelong glance at Rinoa. She followed along, a few paces behind him, fear fluttering wildly in her heart.
She had pushed him too hard with her brattiness.
Based on Squall's iciness, it was unclear whether or not he even wanted her to follow him to his room. She had never once slept in her assigned room, though, and it seemed a bit dramatic to part ways tonight simply because he was being a little distant.
But the recognition of this possibility made her feel jittery with anxiety.
No. No, this would not be how their night ended.
Rinoa took a breath. This was Squall she was dealing with after all.
She would have to lean in. Give him the benefit of the doubt. He was probably under severe stress and just needed her reassurance that he was doing great. That had to be it.
But when she tried to slip her hand into his, he pulled his arm back as if she was trying to hurt him.
It was too much.
They walked in silence, Rinoa trying to think of something to say but coming up blank, her heart beating faster and faster like a drum marching them to battle. When they finally got to the privacy of his room, she burst.
"Okay, what the hell is going on?!"
"What do you mean?" Squall said, not looking at her.
"What do you
think
I mean?" Rinoa was trying hard not to yell. "You won't hold my hand, you won't look at me. I know you're stressed out right now but–"
"Yes, Rinoa," he said, his anger matching hers, "I'm really fucking stressed out right now, so if you could just give me a second to breathe–"
"What is
that
supposed to mean? Do you want me to go?"
He looked straight into her eyes, alarmed. "No! Why would you say that?"
His sudden change of tone was startling. Did he really not realize how coldly he had just been behaving? "I just – you seem like – you didn't want me around–"
Squall took a deep breath and ran his hands roughly through his hair. "Well maybe I'm a little overwhelmed," he said after a moment, still tense. "And it doesn't help that you're complaining about every single thing."
His eyes looked mildly panicked when he said the last statement, as if he knew he had hit a nerve.
Her anger and confusion instantly evaporated and was replaced with a flood of guilt. He was right. Squall was always right. She had done nothing but whine and moan throughout this entire process.
The last thing Rinoa wanted was to make him upset like this. She never wanted him to think she was ungrateful for everything he had done – everything he was doing – for her.
"I'm sorry," she said. "I didn't even realize I was doing it. I think it's my way of handling stress. It's not an excuse, though. I'll be more aware of it now. I'm sorry."
Squall breathed again and she stepped up to him, lacing her fingers into his. He tentatively squeezed her hands back – a sign of goodwill.
Her heart was still pumping too fast, but she tried to ignore it. It was enough that he came back to her. That he was willing to hold her hand again.
Rinoa was too much for him sometimes, surely they both knew that.
She wouldn’t be too much anymore. She would be better.
Squall needed her to be better.
With a startling abruptness, he crashed his mouth into hers, kissing her with a ferocity that made her heart almost stop.
It was okay – they were okay.
The relief was a sudden rush that took over her entire body. Without being able to stop herself she started frantically pulling off his clothes.
It was going to be okay. They still had this. They still had each other.
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
“Anyone who lived through that crazy time will tell you: It was chaos. It was fear. There wasn’t a single place you could go and feel safe. I had found the love of my life and I had to leave her. I couldn’t believe I was doing it. But what other choice did I have? Our adopted daughter, Ellone, was taken from us – how could I not go get her back?
On the outside, it seemed as if I had won. It seemed as if the journey had been worth it. I helped overthrow the Sorceress Adel, and imprisoned her indefinitely, and the people of Esthar decided to make me their president because of it. But I had lost. I had lost everything: Ellone had been taken again, and I never found her after that. And my wife, who I hadn’t known was pregnant, died in childbirth.
But see, that’s what it all boils down to. I was doing my best. Everyone did what they had to do to protect their families back then. And I still believe that now. I truly believe that most people out there – yes, pretty much every single person on this planet – is doing their absolute best with what they have. And sometimes, it’s damn hard.”
From “Lost and Found: A Memoir” by Laguna Loire
*
The dreaded summit finally came to a close after four days of boring talks and photo ops. Rinoa gleaned enough information to know that her father, as the acting president of Galbadia, had quietly removed the Galbadian forces from Timber. And so he was actually not a tyrant, so that was good. Still, she didn’t want to talk to him or even see him. She declined his request to talk privately. It wasn’t worth the stress.Her father didn’t press the issue.Other than the removal of troops from Timber, though, Rinoa was rather ignorant of what else had actually been accomplished at the summit. It had been too strange listening to Laguna talk about her as The New Sorceress, so she had mainly tuned it out. Of course, there had been a bit of excitement when everyone broke out into shouting during the discussion about Trabia Garden's destruction, but Laguna managed to calm everyone down and it devolved into extremely tedious talk about the reconstruction and reparations. Not at all worth paying attention to. Overall, the end of the summit was an immense relief. Rinoa simply wasn’t made to sit in a room and listen to people talk all day. Action had always been Rinoa’s style. Hearing that Timber was now in the process of reconstructing its government made her think of all her old friends back there again…how she had loved fighting with them. She wanted to go and help them now. Of course, she didn’t have the first clue about rebuilding a government, but that kind of thing had never stopped her before.No, something much bigger stopped her now. She wasn’t even supposed to leave Garden. An entire international treaty had just been signed, permitting her only to go where SeeD allowed. It was disconcerting. But Rinoa didn’t let herself dwell on it. Being here, with Squall and her friends, was massively better than being locked in a tomb indefinitely, so she would have to make peace with it. Besides, with the conclusion of the summit, big things were finally put in motion for SeeD and Garden. Balamb Garden was immediately hired by the government of Esthar for another monster eradication mission. So as soon as possible, they all geared up for relocating to the Esthar continent. It was still endlessly fascinating to Rinoa that Balamb Garden, the gigantic ancient structure, was actually mobile, able to fly low and sail on all kinds of water. It was great to be out on the open ocean again. On the other side of it, Rinoa was surprised to find that she was genuinely sad to leave Balamb. What she had once seen as a sleepy little town had been a happy home for almost five months. The snow-capped mountains and the rolling fields and the gentle coast seemed like part of her now, and she was emotional the day they departed. Esthar, though, was an admittedly thrilling place to go. She had been unconscious when Squall brought her there last summer, so this was her chance to see the city properly. Their arrival, however, was a little less exciting than Rinoa had hoped. She’d been expecting a dramatic reveal of sparkling skyscrapers as the Optical Camouflage System slowly peeled away. But when they arrived, the OCS was not there at all, and the city was instead covered by a gray fog and light rain. Nothing sparkled. On their second day there, Squall was called to a private meeting with Laguna. Irvine had been tasked with managing the monster eradication project as his final SeeD exam, so he was out with Quistis and Selphie, plotting the city and developing a plan.Rinoa and Zell were hanging out in the quad, killing time. Rinoa always had a soft spot for Zell; where others saw a hyperactive man-child, she saw someone who wasn’t afraid to show his true thoughts and feelings. Zell was entirely genuine. Rinoa was sure that it was that same personality trait that drew her to Squall. As frustrating as it might be, Squall was as authentic as they come.Zell was teaching her some new Triple Triad rules, the card game that they had all become obsessed with over the past few months.“I swear to Hyne, Zell, I will never understand why the Random rule came into being.”“See, you gotta just have a strategy, Rinoa. It’s all in the strategy.” He was standing while they played, bouncing back and forth on the balls of his feet, like he was in a boxing match. Rinoa sat on the bench, looking at her hand of cards, trying not to think about how truly bad he was at this game.She couldn’t help it, she laughed, and he stopped bouncing.“What?” he asked indignantly.It was nearly impossible to stifle her laughter. Zell simply had this effect on her. “Zell, you’re just–” a snort escaped “—you’re losing!” She dissolved into giggles.He looked down at the card she had laid and made a confused face, which only made her laugh harder. “Huh? But I…” Zell changed tactics. “No, see, Rinoa, here’s what you’re missing, see, my strategy dictates that if I place a low-numbered card here, you’re going to counter it on this side, and –”He placed another card, making her double over in laughter. From her bent position, Rinoa reached up and placed her next card, a low-level Grat, and effectively won the game.Zell’s confused face made her lose her composure entirely. “You’re just…so bad…at this,” she gasped.“No, no, no, this was a lesson, Rinoa –”Rinoa gathered up her cards, wiping a tear from the corner of her eye and catching her breath as she did so, and saw Squall walking up to them.Squall sat heavily on the bench beside her. Things had been normal between them again after they yelled at each other on the first evening of the summit. It had taken Rinoa a huge amount of self control, but she was proud of herself for giving him some space to cool down on his own and come back to her when he was ready. It seemed to have worked. Like nothing had even happened between them. But something was not normal now. Rinoa said hello, then leaned over to give him a kiss on the cheek, but stopped when she saw the look on his face. His eyes were wide, like he had just seen a ghost. “Squall—”He only looked at her, pale and out of sorts.“Whoa, buddy, what happened?” Zell asked.Squall swallowed. He scratched his forehead, and opened his mouth as if to speak, then closed it and shook his head.Rinoa had never seen Squall like this before. He was always so confident and sure, but now he seemed lost and afraid, like a little kid. “Did something happen with Laguna?”He was silent, then said, as if from far away, “He’s…my father.”Rinoa blinked. Did he really just say that? Laguna was Squall’s father? This was not good. Though everyone else had instantly liked Laguna – Selphie had even started a blog about him – Squall had always disliked him. He usually referred to Laguna as “the moron” or “the idiot.” But Squall said nothing more. Laguna was Squall's father. This was going to be a mess. “Oh, Hyne,” she said. “What!?” Zell yelled. “What the…what the hell!?”Squall’s shoulders drooped. Instinctively, she put her arms around him. “Oh, Squall,” she said, leaning into him. He didn’t seem to register that she was there. “How in the hell is that possible?!” Zell ranted as he began to pace restlessly. Rinoa glared at him and he shrugged, clueless.“He explained it all. It’s so fucking stupid,” Squall spat, anger coming out in place of the confusion. Zell, in his never-ending social ineptitude, raged on. “Well!? Why did he leave you? How come you were at the orphanage? Why didn’t he come find—” Rinoa waved her hand at Zell and mouthed “Stop!” and he abruptly stopped.They weren’t going to get an explanation out of Squall at the moment. She could read him enough to know he wanted to be angry about it. He could never explain things when he was angry.“He’s such a fucking idiot! I can’t believe him…”Rinoa rubbed his back. Though he had cooled a bit, Squall had still not decompressed after all the stress from the NR summit. This news was pushing him too far. “What can we do?” she asked. “Want to take your mind off things? Want to go kill some monsters? Want to go get drunk?”Squall shrugged her off. Rinoa withdrew her arm from around him and he stood up. His anger pierced her, filling the space between them like radiation. Rinoa knew he wasn’t angry at her , but after their fight the other day – or whatever it was – she felt a certain apprehension at it coming on so strongly. She tried not to let it hurt, forcing herself to remember: patience was the only way to help Squall.“Don’t tell anyone,” he snapped at both of them.Zell immediately stood at attention and made a zipping motion across his lips. “You got it, commander. But damn.”Squall stalked off and Rinoa’s heart was pounding. She had no clue where he was going, or whether or not she should follow him. Her helplessness was as pervasive as his anger.As soon as he was out of earshot, Zell said under his breath, “Well, that is nuts.”Rinoa sighed, ignoring her racing pulse. “Yeah, it is. I wonder how it all happened…”“Yeah, I mean, Laguna seems like a really good guy,” Zell pondered. “Why would he abandon his kid?”“I don’t know…” Rinoa said, absently reaching for the rings on her necklace. “Things were really strange back then. The war made everything really complicated…I’m sure Laguna had a good reason…” She hoped he had a good reason, anyway.
*
Rinoa didn’t see Squall for the rest of the day. She wanted to be there for him in what must have been a confusing time, but she had learned her lesson. He needed to be alone. She needed to be okay with that.Nonetheless it made her uneasy. She tried not to wait anxiously for him to come around, but the nervousness persisted, making her pace around Garden aimlessly. It was almost time for dinner, and still Rinoa had not seen Squall for hours. She went to the cafeteria by herself, hoping to see him on the way there, but to no avail.Zell and Irvine were already seated with their food. It was hot dog night, so Zell had been lined up for over an hour and was delighted to have a full plate of his beloved dinner. Rinoa had only grabbed fries, as the hot dogs were all gone by the time she get through the line, and headed to them. “Zell, you’re so gross,” she said lovingly as she watched him devour his hot dogs.“It’s the simple things in life, Rinoa,” he said with a full mouth, spraying a bit out onto the table.Irvine chuckled. “You’re right, my man,” he said. “Simple, indeed.”Rinoa picked at her fries and tried not to watch the door. “Have you guys seen Squall?”Irvine shook his head.Zell swallowed. “I was just about to ask you that.”Irvine sat up a little straighter, intrigued. “What do you mean? Something happen?”Rinoa and Zell exchanged a dark look. “We’re not supposed to say,” Rinoa said, avoiding Irvine’s gaze.Just then, Selphie and Quistis came in and grabbed trays. Selphie skipped over and sat between Zell and Irvine. “Aww, Zell, you got the last of them!” Selphie pouted.Mouth still full, he managed a smile and handed Selphie one of his remaining hot dogs. “Wow! Zell, you’re my new best friend!”Zell smiled his bloated smile again. Quistis came over in a much more dignified fashion. She, too, had no hot dogs, but had a salad instead. Rinoa reflexively grabbed a handful of fries and shoved them in her mouth.“You ladies seen Squall recently?” Irvine asked.“No, why?” Selphie said.“I don’t know,” Irvine said, leaning towards Rinoa and looking pointedly into her eyes.Quistis and Selphie watched him, confused.“What are you doing?” Selphie asked Irvine.“Trying to get it out of her.” He held his gaze and Rinoa did her best to ignore it.“There’s nothing to get out,” Rinoa said, trying very hard to keep a calm demeanor.Zell, however, was predictably not able to play it cool. “Nope, nothing to see here,” he said, looking worriedly at Rinoa. She tried to tell him to shut up telepathically.“What?” Zell said.Rinoa sighed. Damn Bangle.“Okay, now I’m interested,” Quistis said.“Squall had a meeting with Sir Laguna today, right?” Selphie asked, much too astutely. “Did something happen at the meeting? Is Sir Laguna going to come live at Garden?!”Zell shook his head. “It’s not our place to say. It’s between Squall and Laguna.” Rinoa hit him on the arm. “Ow,” he said.“Well, that’s not suspicious at all, is it, ladies?” Irvine asked Quistis and Selphie.Selphie put down her hot dog and pursed her lips. “Hmm…maybe Sir Laguna wants Squall to be the next president of Esthar!”Squall finally walked into the caf. He didn’t get food. He simply sat at the table with them and put his head in his hands. “I’m not going to be the next president of Esthar,” he said grumpily.They were all looking at him with trepidation. Rinoa knew she should do something. But here he was, like a bomb that could go off at any second. Could she diffuse him?Tentatively, Rinoa put her hand on Squall’s back, but removed it when he flinched. After being on edge for him all afternoon, the simple flinch made her feel ill. She quickly buried the feeling deep down in her stomach and asked, as lovingly as she could, “Are you going to eat anything?”“Did you tell them already?” he asked between his fingers.She frowned. Did he really not trust her to keep his secret for less than a few hours? “No,” she said, trying not to sound annoyed.“Not a word,” Zell said.Squall groaned to himself.“It’s all right, Squall,” Quistis said kindly. “Whatever is going on, we’re not going to judge you. You can tell us.”“But you don’t have to,” Selphie added.“I have an idea,” Irvine said, pointing his finger. “Let’s get out of here and go somewhere a little more…conducive.”Selphie made a face at him.“I mean, let’s go out on the town tonight!” Irvine continued excitedly. “We haven’t hit the Esthar scene yet. Nida was telling me there’s a bar that gives free shots to members of SeeD.”Squall sighed and leaned back in his chair. “Yeah. Let’s go.”Surprising them all, he immediately stood up and started walking out. They looked at each other, all bewildered except for Irvine, who quietly said, “He’ll definitely tell us if we get him drunk enough.”Rinoa shrugged her shoulders. It was utterly useless in trying to help Squall on her own. Maybe booze was the way to go. She ignored the fact that she had presented this option to him earlier.“I guess we’re going out to party!” Zell said, punching the air.“Irvine, you’re not even a SeeD, and neither is Rinoa,” Quistis pointed out.Irvine waved her off and gave her his easy smile. “Yeah, but we helped save the world, remember?”They followed Squall out the front gate and towards the city. Irvine quickly junctioned his GF, and asked Selphie to do the same. Quistis and Zell had their weapons, too, but they were lucky and only ran into a few pesky monsters on their way to town. Everything was glowing in the twilight, and Rinoa got the first glimpse of the wonder she had been expecting since arriving in the city. Tall skyscrapers, train tunnels winding confusingly overhead, and an overall feeling of hugeness and excitement that was unlike anywhere else she'd ever seen. They were headed down an empty street, spotless and shining blue, nondescript office buildings on either side, when Squall abruptly stopped and turned to Irvine. “I don’t know where I’m going.”“Ah, let’s see, Nida said it was down…this way,” he pointed to a street ahead that curved north. Squall and Irvine led the way, and Rinoa found herself at the back of the group with Quistis.“This is such an improvement for Squall,” Quistis said under her breath.“I know,” Rinoa agreed, disregarding how badly she felt towards him at the moment. “He’s willing to go out and have a good time. That’s something!”“The old Squall would have just pouted about it for days on his own. Even if he never tells the rest of us what happened, this is a big deal. He’s making an attempt.”Rinoa nodded, not knowing what else to say. She had been thinking all day that, as his girlfriend, he would have come to her to talk through it all. Instead he seemed to be ignoring her. That felt like a big deal, too.They arrived at a street that wasn’t as meticulously clean as most of the rest of the city, though compared to Deling City standards, it was positively sparkling. Very few people were wandering about. A sandwich board in the street said “SeeDs drink here!” and pointed to an unremarkable set of silver doors, Esthar’s equivalent of a dive bar.They filed in, disco rock music greeting them through blown-out speakers. The place was lit by dim lanterns hanging over a few dozen tables, and one circular bar in the center. Only a dozen or so other patrons hung about. Rinoa figured it was rather early in the night for this type of establishment. Plus, many people probably avoided going out at all, what with monsters roaming their once-peaceful city. No wonder they celebrated SeeD here. Irvine marched them right up to an attractive woman bartender in a black cropped shirt, with hugely flowing black pants, and several silver piercings all over her face. Her gritty look gave Rinoa the impression that they were in the underground scene of Esthar. Squall stood next to Irvine at the bar, and Rinoa and the other three lined up behind them. Irvine tipped his hat and said, “We hear this place loves SeeDs!”The bartender gave him an amused look and said, “All right, you each get one free shot. After that, you gotta start a tab. You want whiskey, tequila, or vodka?”Irvine surveyed their group. Selphie was jumping up and down going, “Ooh! Tequila!”Quistis shook her head. “I can’t believe we’re doing this,” she muttered.Zell was beside himself with excitement. “Yeah!! Tequila! Oh man, this is awesome!!”“You guys don’t get out much, do you?” Rinoa asked Quistis.“Six tequilas, please!” Irvine said, giving Squall a hearty clap on the back. Squall was looking regretful.They watched, like children, as the bartender expertly poured their shots of cheap tequila. She handed them to Irvine, who passed them around.Rinoa put the tiny glass to her nose and smelled it. It was not the least bit appetizing. Quistis gritted her teeth apprehensively. Selphie and Zell giggled. “To heroes!” Irvine said, lifting his little glass.“No, no,” Squall said. “To losers.”Irvine laughed and shrugged his shoulders. They all clinked their glasses together, and Quistis and Rinoa holding their noses, downed their shots.“Bleagh!” Zell said. “What the hell?!”Selphie gave a little scream, Quistis and Rinoa coughed, and Squall looked like he might be sick.“All right, all right, now that we got that out of the way…” Irvine said, and flagged down the bartender again. “Hello, miss, this gentleman here is going to be starting a tab for the evening,” he gestured to Squall, who looked confused. “He and I will be having whiskey on the rocks, the two bouncing ones will have your best light beer, the blonde will have a gin and tonic, and the raven-haired angel will have a vodka cranberry.”They all looked at each other, except Squall, who seemed to be blindly accepting his fate. Rinoa could still feel the tequila like it had burned a path down her throat and into her stomach. When Irvine handed her a pinkish drink, she felt much more inclined to drink it. She sipped it carefully, and though she didn’t initially like it, it grew on her. The old parties her boarding school friends would throw when their parents were out of town never had quite the selection. It was always watery beer and straight vodka back then, or daring shots of the expensive brandy stolen from the private study liquor cabinets.Quistis made a satisfied face when she tried her gin and tonic, a lime perched elegantly on the rim. “Ooh, Irvine,” she said, “this is excellent.”Zell and Selphie clinked their tall glasses together, doing a little dance and singing, “Beer for the cool kids, beer for the cool kids!”Squall was now hunched over the bar, looking much older than his eighteen years. Rinoa had a sudden vision of him being thirty, or forty, or fifty, and hunching that exact same way, with that exact same face. He looked so lonely. And yet she was right there . Was this just going to be her life with Squall? Was he always going to be stuck inside his own head this much? Was time compression just the beginning of it? He had been too stuck in his own head then, and that was why he couldn’t make his way back to the flower field. Even though he had promised he would always meet her there. She’d had to be the one to go to him. Rinoa shook herself back into the present moment. This had gone on long enough. She needed to go to him now, too. She waltzed up on his other side and slid onto the stool beside him.“Hey,” Rinoa said, nudging him with her shoulder. “How are you? After today?”Squall simply shook his head. “I don’t want to talk about it now,” he said, without looking at her.Rinoa was bewildered. What else was she supposed to do? Just sit there with him? Why couldn’t he just let it all out and talk to her?It wasn’t worth causing a scene. Rinoa tried to sit in silence while Squall sipped his drink. But it was hard to ignore everyone around her having such a nice time. Everyone was smiling, and laughing, and Zell and Selphie were dancing, and she didn’t want to sit and mope with Squall for a second longer. She got up and stumbled a bit. The alcohol had already started to affect her.Zell and Selphie caught sight of her and cheered when she steadied herself without spilling her drink. She smiled and did a “ta-dah!” with her free hand. Rinoa wandered over to them, the room still titling a bit, and started dancing, letting the music and alcohol take control.“Is Squall gonna spill his guts?” Selphie asked her.“Doubtful,” Rinoa said, glancing over at him. Irvine had moved in and was already ordering two more glasses of whiskey.Quistis was hovering, not quite willing to dance, but not willing to stand alone at the bar. “This could end in disaster,” she posed, sipping her drink through a skinny black straw.“Nah,” Zell said, doing a ridiculous dance move that Selphie had to swerve to avoid. “We can save the world, we deserve to partayyy!”Quistis rolled her eyes. “You said that at the Garden party after time compression.”“Yes, but now we have beer,” he grinned, pointing to the glass in his other hand.“Oh, Zell! You should have invited the library girl!” Selphie said.Zell smacked his forehead. “Oh damn, I should have!”Selphie suddenly stopped dancing. She had spotted a tall girl with long black hair and high-heeled boots walk up to Irvine and Squall. Irvine was making his usual flirty face, and the girl put her hand on his arm playfully. Selphie’s bottom lip stuck out.“Who’s that?” Selphie said in a small voice.“Whoa,” Zell exclaimed, spotting the tall girl. “She’s hot!”“What about your library girl?” Quistis scolded.Zell frowned, then shrugged. “I can still say other girls are hot.”Quistis rolled her eyes. Meanwhile, Irvine put his arm around the tall girl.“Selphie?” Rinoa asked gently, putting a hand on Selphie’s shoulder.“I have to go to the bathroom,” Selphie quickly said. “I’m not supposed to go alone, right? You guys are like, required to come.”“What?! Come on!” Zell said, outraged.“Not you!” Selphie shrieked, and stormed off towards the restrooms at the back of the establishment.Rinoa and Quistis dutifully followed her. The bathroom was dingy and dank, but the alcohol was really affecting Rinoa now and she didn’t care. Selphie handed her drink to Rinoa and went into a stall. She started talking in a high-pitched voice about how much fun they were all having, and it was so good to get out on the town, and she hoped Squall was having a nice time.“You’re rambling, Selphie,” Quistis said.Selphie gave a forced giggle and came out of the stall. “It’s the alcohol,” she said, waving it off with a wide smile. She washed her hands and took her drink back from Rinoa, and then chugged the remainder of the glass in one go.“Let’s get more beer! Woohoo!” Selphie punched the air and kicked the bathroom door open.Quistis and Rinoa exchanged a concerned look.Thankfully, the tall girl was no longer in sight. Zell had apparently joined the other two guys, and Rinoa laughed to herself when she thought about how likely it was that Zell had scared the pretty girl away.Selphie bounced over to the guys, slung her arm around Irvine’s neck, and yelled, “More beer!”“You got it, baby!” Irvine smiled.Rinoa looked over at Squall, who was still brooding over his whiskey. Did she dare try to approach him again? He didn’t seem to realize she was there.Rinoa hadn’t finished her drink yet. And she didn’t really feel like dancing anymore. She cut her losses and decided to just sit quietly next to him. At least he would know she was there if he needed her.Over on the dancefloor, Irvine twirled Selphie around and Rinoa was hit by a pang of jealousy. Selphie and Irvine weren’t even a couple, and yet there they were, acting more like a couple than her and Squall. Zell and Quistis were cheering on Irvine and Selphie. They were all having fun. Was Squall ever going to be capable of that?Her throat was getting annoyingly tight. She didn’t want to think about this. She bit down hard on her tongue to distract herself from all of it. Squall finally looked over at her, and she couldn’t help but take a deep breath in relief. “Thanks for not telling them,” he said.Like whiplash, her affection for him flooded back immediately. That's all she needed: a little acknowledgement. “Of course,” she said, putting her hand on his arm. “It’s just hard, you know?” He swirled the whiskey around in his glass and took another sip.“I’m sure it is,” she said.“Was this a bad idea? Coming here?”“No, I don’t think so."They sat silently for a long while as the bar started to fill with patrons. Rinoa had long since finished her drink and had no desire for any more. She tried contenting herself with people watching. Esthar was a fascinating place, so it kept her occupied for a while.The people were all strikingly beautiful and exotic to Rinoa. Sure, she had seen a wide variety of folk come in and out of Deling City, and of course her time in Timber had made her even more worldly, but Esthar was its own special cup of tea. Most people donned the traditional look of long, robe-like outfits, but here they were often dark colors, and cut and fitted in a pleasing way. The women mainly wore tight-fitting tops with long bell sleeves, and most had the same style of trousers that also belled out at the bottoms, similar to the bartender. Most of the men had tighter fitting sleeves, but with flowing pants, or maybe they were actually skirts – it was hard to tell in the dim lighting. Everyone seemed to be wearing copious amounts of eye makeup. Tattoos and piercings seemed popular, as well. Rinoa sighed as Irvine eventually came back over. “An empty glass? Oh, that will not do.” He flagged the bartender again, despite Squall’s weak protest. “And for you, Rinoa? How’d you like the vodka cranberry?”“I think I’ll stick with water, Irvine,” she said, trying to sound cheerful.Irvine and Squall sipped their drinks for a moment while Rinoa continued to look around. Zell and Selphie were dancing even more exuberantly now, and Quistis had snuck her way over to a well-dressed man at the other side of the bar.“I just wish he hadn’t even told me,” Squall suddenly said. Irvine’s eyes went wide. “Quistis! Selphie!” he yell-whispered across the bar, and frantically beckoned them over.Zell came, too. Irvine had a finger to his lips. Squall didn’t notice. “It’s just so stupid,” he continued.“What’s stupid, my man?” Irvine asked casually.“Laguna told me…he married Raine…like nineteen years ago…”They all looked at each other in varying states of shock. Where was this going? Rinoa knew, of course, but she didn’t expect a full explanation tonight.“…And he stayed in Esthar…he claims he didn’t know she was pregnant…”Selphie’s mouth was hanging open. Irvine and Quistis looked at each other with raised eyebrows.“But why would he stay in Esthar!?” Squall was suddenly angry. “Who leaves their wife and kid like that? And Ellone? Ellone was his daughter. No one gives a fuck that you’re the president…you stupid, fucking fuck…”“Squall, are you saying –” Quistis began, but Squall cut her off.“He says he’s my dad,” Squall said in a dead voice. “I don’t accept that.”“Clearly,” Irvine muttered.They all held their breath, waiting for him to say more, but after a few tense moments it seemed like he was done.“It’s all right, Squall,” Selphie said, rubbing his back. “I think you have every right to be upset.”“No, he doesn’t. It sounds like Laguna didn’t even know about him,” Quistis said.“Ladies, ladies,” Irvine said, “let the man have his moment.”“Whatever. I don’t even care,” was Squall’s slightly slurred response. “He’s no father of mine.”Irvine frowned. “Another one,” he said to the bartender.“Is that a good idea?” Rinoa asked. She had never seen Squall drunk. He had had a little wine at the party after time compression, but this was something else.“Yeah, another one,” Squall said.Squall was quiet for a while. Zell, Selphie, Quistis, and eventually Irvine wandered off. More patrons had started filling the bar, creating a sort of buzz of conversation around them. Rinoa could tell her friends were talking about Squall, casting furtive glances over their shoulders at him. She sat dutifully by his side and her mind wandered.Why wasn’t he happy to have found Laguna? It sounded like Laguna had no idea that he had a son – he didn’t know Raine was pregnant when he left to find Ellone. And Laguna was such a kind person. He was courageous, generous, charming. He didn’t seem like the kind of guy who would lie about anything. It mystified her why Squall wouldn’t believe him.Rinoa assumed the others were talking about the same thing. They were all orphans, too. Maybe they were jealous that he had found his actual father.Rinoa felt like an orphan. She had so few memories of her mother, and her father had completely checked out of her life soon after her mother died. Sure, he provided money and a place to live, and all the comforts of an upper-class family, but none of the love. She didn’t like her father’s family very well at all, and her mother didn’t have much family to begin with, so Rinoa had always been out on her own.She sipped her water and felt her mind sobering.To her surprise, Squall finally spoke. “I think Cid is more of a father to me, anyway…”“Oh?” Rinoa said encouragingly, grateful that he would say more, eager for any detail he might gift her.“He has always taken care of me.”“That’s true.”Long pause. “Except that one time when he freaked out and made me commander.”“Yes.”Another long pause. “But I kinda get why he did that.”Rinoa waited. Squall continued, “He really disappointed me that day…but he has kinda made up for it.”She nodded.“And Raine…she was my mother…She would have been a great mom, I bet…” for the first time, he choked up, his eyes shut tight. She put her hand on his back and he straightened himself up. “But, Edea was really my mom…And I still have her, too.”She patted his back. Part of her was elated that he had decided to share these intimate thoughts with her. But another part of her was coming to a realization. All of her friends did have Cid and Edea as their mom and dad. They were right there, within reach – and Rinoa was like the unruly stepchild that needed to be chained up with this damn Bangle.After a while, Squall was starting to look a little too pale. Rinoa flagged the rest of the group down, and they collectively decided it was time to go home before anything bad happened to their commander. Irvine and Rinoa supported him on the walk back, with Zell, Selphie, and Quistis singing a victory song behind them, making complete and utter fools of themselves.Irvine helped Rinoa get Squall in through the doorway of his apartment with a “Good night, and good luck,” as Squall fell face-first into his bed.Rinoa grimaced. She was completely sober and did not know what to do with her extremely drunk boyfriend. She knelt down and started taking off his boots, but he started groaning and kicked her off in his attempt to run to the bathroom.She heard the toilet seat bang up and he coughed into the toilet for several minutes.Steadying herself, she grabbed a washcloth for him to wipe his face, and went in and sat beside him. He looked at her, dazed, and said, “You don’t have to watch.”She scoffed and threw the washcloth at him. “I was just trying to help! Isn’t that what girlfriends do?”When he did not respond, Rinoa went and sat on the bed, listening to him vomit.This whole evening – no, these last few weeks – had been frustrating. She had been excusing his distance with the stress of everything he was having to deal with, but tonight seemed to bring it to the next level. How long was she going to have to sit around and wait for him to be happy again? He wasn't likely to get over this news overnight.What about their special bond? Wasn’t the knight supposed to be the comfort to the sorceress? But how was that supposed to work if the knight was caught up in his own problems? Maybe if she could read his mind, like Selphie had said…but that wasn’t even worth pursuing. She couldn’t see a scenario in which reading his mind would go well. Squall was too private for that. He proved it today by barely telling her a single thing about his conversation with Laguna.She changed into her pajamas and climbed, annoyed, into bed. Staring up at the ceiling, blocking out the sounds coming from the bathroom, she realized that Squall was quickly reverting back to his old ways. He was annoyed, and quiet, and Rinoa didn't really know what he wanted from her. Of course, Squall clearly didn't want anything from Rinoa at that precise moment. But maybe she would let him sober up and try to turn things around in the morning. Yes, tomorrow was a new day. She would show him some extra affection and remind him that she was always there for him. He'd turn around… he'd remember how happy they were…He just needed time.And without further thought, Rinoa fell asleep alone in the bed.
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
The air was refreshing on Rinoa’s face as she leaned against the balcony railing. The clouds had slowly been clearing out of the city over the past few days, bringing in mild wind from the north. Estharis called it “winter,” but it really meant that it was simply not scorching hot.From up here, Rinoa had an amazing view of the city of Esthar. It glimmered in the light of the setting sun, just like Squall said it would. It made her want to go wander and explore. She had only been sent out on a few monster hunting shifts in the weeks since they’d arrived, so for days on end she stayed cooped up in Garden, waiting to get a chance to go out again. It was decided that Rinoa wasn’t allowed to leave Garden unaccompanied. Cid made it sound like it was for her benefit – to keep her safe from the people of Esthar – but it felt like she was being grounded, or put on house arrest. Like what her father used to do to her. Everyone else was now too busy to go and mess around all the time. Selphie had been tasked with researching the guardian forces' effects on memory, so she often disappeared for days on end trying to figure it out. Zell was now wooing the girl who worked in the library, and Irvine and Quistis were still often caught up with refiguring SeeD graduation requirements. All of it left Rinoa to wander around the hallways on her own.On top of it, Esthar was of course so disastrously full of monsters that all SeeDs were all being put on overtime. But Rinoa wasn’t SeeD, and despite asking for more shifts, Irvine only scheduled her for a few hours a week. Rinoa wondered if Squall had anything to do with it. She never asked. Squall was so distant these days that talking to him about anything was out of the question.Rinoa took a deep breath, but her chest ached. It wasn’t just the feeling of being stifled, or forgotten, that made her come out to the balcony to get some air. What she really wanted, with a clawing desperation that she knew was disproportionate to the situation, was for Squall to get back to normal. He had been changed since the day he found out about Laguna being his father, weeks ago now, and nothing she did seemed to bring him back to her. He went through long stretches of time in utter silence, distracted and uneasy, quick to frustration and almost always irritable. Often she couldn’t even find him around Garden, and when she asked around for where he might be, no one knew.And what could she do about it? Who could she talk to about it? All of her friends mainly knew Squall as the brooding loner. What good would it do to ask for their help? She could imagine their responses: “Sure, he’s being a bit of a recluse again, he’ll probably come around soon!” How soon, though? It didn’t even feel like it was worth it to talk to them. The ache in her chest rose up to her throat, and the tears that had been threatening her for days burst stubbornly out. Angrily, she wiped them away, but they kept coming. "Fuck." This was so stupid. She shouldn't be crying like a baby just because Squall had been in a bad mood. Really, was it just because of Squall’s distance? Something nagged at her when she put the blame on him…a part of her conscious seemed to be poking her, pushing her to see what was really going on.Normally she shoved that feeling away, too impatient in her wait for Squall to be affectionate and sweet to her again.Today, though, the poke was more of a stab, and it tore through her defense.It wasn’t Squall’s distance that was the problem.It was her. It was Rinoa. She was no longer herself.She used to feel like she could take on the world. And she had: she’d taken on the entire Galbadian army. She’d been on the team that took down the most evil, most powerful sorceress to have ever lived. She’d won the heart of the most closed-off person she’d ever met.She always used to grab life by the horns, diving headfirst into whatever grabbed her attention most. Why couldn’t she do that anymore? Where had that carefree girl gone? She seemed to have evaporated from within herself, leaving behind an empty shell.The long days being alone in Garden, being under the oppressive idea that she was just a metal bracelet away from destroying humanity, just one more argument away from pushing Squall to being completely fed up with her…It all added up to whatever this mess was. Stupid tears burst out again, out of control, and Rinoa was forced to let the crying run its course.But it felt oddly good to get it out. If she could just admit it, this was why she came out here in the first place. She surrendered to the sobs that wracked her body, letting out pathetic noises into the breeze. To her horror, the door opened. She frantically wiped her eyes on her sleeve, gasping a desperate breath of air to calm herself, hoping it wasn't Squall. It was Edea. "I'm sorry," Rinoa said hastily in embarrassment, turning away and wiping her face as best as she could."Why the apology?" Edea glided up to her, resting a gentle hand on her shoulder. "You are perfectly entitled to cry, dear child." Rinoa looked at her, confused. "But I don't really have a good reason to cry," she said with a pathetic hiccup. "I disagree," Edea said. "I think there are plenty of reasons, and it doesn't matter if they are good or not."Rinoa didn't know how to respond. She was almost eighteen – almost an adult – and held more responsibility in her blood than anyone else alive. She needed to shake it off and toughen up and act like it. Now here was Edea, telling her to go ahead and act like a baby. "I noticed that you came out here on your own," Edea said after a while. "Squall has been a bit difficult lately, hasn't he?"Rinoa whipped her head up to look at her. Edea's smile was sympathetic and… motherly. Rinoa fought the urge to ask her for a hug so she could continue crying into her shoulder. She and Edea simply didn’t have that relationship. Instead, she hung on Edea’s every word.“He’s been struggling immensely with the demons of his past…his role in the creation of Garden and his role in the identity of Ultimecia herself…and now, of course, his recent discovery of his father has thrown him into a torrent of new emotion. But you must see it, Rinoa: your mere presence here at Garden heals him. You must know that he is struggling, yes – but growing all the while. Growing into his new role as the strong knight you need.”Rinoa was silent, unsure of what to say. She didn't know what to do with her hands, so she gripped the railing just to give them something to do. "I knew I would need to talk to you about this, Rinoa," Edea continued gently. "I never wanted to, but you need to hear it. You have chosen not to use your power, and attempt to live a normal life. I'm here to tell you that you can live a normal life, especially with the support of those around you. I lived that way myself for several years with Cid by my side. You have every opportunity to completely ignore your powers if you wish, especially with President Loire's inclusion of you in the treaty. He wants you to live a life that you want. However, I must warn you. With the burden of your powers comes a heavy load. You may not notice it now, but it can wear you down over time if you are not careful.”Rinoa looked at her. “What do you mean?”Edea sighed, hesitant, but finally came out with it in a resigned sort of way. “I believe women who hide their powers go through life with a certain predisposition to sadness. You are not one to sit around and feel sorry for yourself, but you must know the effects that your powers have. And you, in particular, my dear, are carrying the weight of two extremely powerful sorceresses, as well as my own unexceptional power. That’s three generations resting on you. You may remember that Ultimecia’s goal was to inherit as many powers as she could in order to achieve the power to compress time, and now you wield that.”This was not the conversation Rinoa was hoping to have. She thought Edea would give her some sage advice about how to get Squall to come around. Was Edea telling her that she was going to be sad for the rest of her life? The confusion must have been apparent on her face. Edea explained further. “With your extraordinary powers, you are more likely than ever to head down a path of despondency, whether or not you decide to use them. I’m here to tell you that you don’t have to let that feeling take over .”Rinoa only stared, bemused by the vague ideas Edea was spouting. How was she supposed to do anything about this? Edea continued. “You have to reach out from that despair. You have to find something that makes you feel fulfilled. You have to force yourself to ask for help, even if it feels impossible. You have Squall, and your friends. Let them help you.”Rinoa swallowed. “Okay,” she said. The advice felt strange and misplaced. Rinoa had always been a downright cheerful person. Deep down, her optimism always won. Surely it would return. That’s who she was. She could never imagine that she’d succumb to the darkness of the sorceress powers. But, in her quiet contemplation, she recognized that these past weeks of dealing with Squall’s distance had maybe pushed her to a place of loneliness she’d never really known before."I know Squall is struggling, too," Edea said, as if reading her mind. "He is young, and he has much to learn. But he is learning. He is very lucky to have Cid as a mentor."“Squall's avoiding me," she said, unable to stop herself."Squall has a very hard job as a knight," Edea explained patiently. "There's a reason why the role has been so gloriously portrayed in fiction. But he loves you, Rinoa. More than you can know. He needs time to adjust, but he will be a powerful knight. The bond will take an immense amount of time and effort. It’s not something simply handed over at the first utterance of the promise. Don’t shy away from the hard work. I promise you, my dear: if you lean into it, and work your way through these struggles, you both will be rewarded beyond what you could ever imagine. Have you ever wondered why sorceresses have knights in the first place?" The sun was setting in earnest now, and Rinoa's tears had dried in long streaks on her face. She felt even more foolish when she realized she had not put any thought into Edea's question before this very moment. Was she really so naive?"I thought," she said, feeling stupid even saying it out loud, "that the knight did the sorceress's bidding… that he was, like…her helper."Edea allowed herself a small smile. "A common mistake," she said. “The function of the knight is to support the sorceress for this very reason that I'm telling you: a sorceress needs a dedicated partner to help raise her from the depths that she can potentially sink to. The knight can keep the sorceress tied to her humanity. The nature of this power is to isolate and dehumanize, but the knight provides a grounding into the present moment, into the real and tangible world. And in return, the knight receives her protection, and often her love. Squall will be a strong knight. He is well on his way."Rinoa turned her gaze out to the now gleaming city, not really seeing it. She didn't know what to think about everything Edea was telling her. It was too much information. It sat at the top of her mind, not filtering through.“I ask you to think, Rinoa, of the two most recent sorceresses who decided they were better off without a knight: Sorceress Adel, and of course, Sorceress Ultimecia.”Of course, everyone knew that Adel never had a knight. Rinoa shuddered at the memory of just how evil Adel was – the awful, gigantic, imposing woman who looked more like a monster than a human. And the terrible things she did – Rinoa quickly shut the thought down. It was far too frightful to think about now. Surely she’d have nightmares about it tonight if she let herself dwell for too long.But Ultimecia…she’d had a knight. At least at the end. And all he did was make everything a thousand times worse. “But Ultimecia had Seifer, right?” “Seifer was not a true knight. Ultimecia used him, and controlled him, damaging his soul in the process. She used him the same way she used everyone: for her own gain. She had gone on for too long without anyone to remind her of what it meant to be human, and so she sought the end of humanity. Adel was similar. It’s thanks to her reign of terror that I had an overflowing orphanage eighteen years ago.”Rinoa tried to let it all sink in. Edea sighed. “Please, my dear, I don’t tell you this to scare you. I only want you to know that you have a knight, and though your relationship may not always be perfect–”“Far from perfect, at the moment,” Rinoa said, and immediately regretted it. Edea ignored the interruption. “You also have your friends, who love you just as if they were your knights. I believe, in a way, a knight is anyone who stands by a sorceress with love. You have that in your friends, too. They also serve as a way to tie you to your humanity.”Edea gently grabbed Rinoa’s shoulders and turned her so that they were facing each other. She left her hands there and spoke fervently. “Rinoa, you are a strong woman. You have proven it simply by taking on so much power. Many women would have crumbled immediately under the weight, but not you. You stand tall. You continue to inspire those around you, as you did before you received the power. I want you to always remember that. You have unprecedented strength.”This made Rinoa exceedingly uncomfortable. She knew Edea was just being kind, but the force with which she spoke felt excessive.Rinoa didn’t know what to say, simply staring, wide-eyed, back at Edea, trying not to look skeptical. Rinoa didn't feel powerful at all. She felt weak, and ill-suited to the responsibility of wielding this power. And a strange guilt overcame her – a guilt in ignoring her power, of pushing it further and further into herself in attempts to forget it was there. It only made her more confused.Edea lowered her hands.“Please, Rinoa,” Edea continued, “you can always come to me if you need anything.”“Thanks,” Rinoa said, still uncomfortable.Edea touched Rinoa’s arm, and left Rinoa alone on the balcony with a confusing tumult of thoughts.Rinoa knew that Squall loved her. She knew Edea was right: he was still learning, and maybe working something out in his own head, but he really was amazing. He had proven it to her already many times over. He was utterly devoted to her. He had gone through hell and back for her.It was hard to admit, but maybe this rough patch with Squall was simply par for the course. They were in a unique kind of situation, so it made sense that their ups and downs wouldn't be normal. And what was normal, anyway? She didn't have much to base it in, having only been in a few silly relationships that lasted no more than a few months. But then, what was the issue? They had yelled at each other, weeks ago, but why? It took her a moment, but she recalled the memory of Squall's angry face yelling about how much she had been complaining, and the same guilt flooded into her. That had been the crux of the whole thing: her bad behavior. They simply hadn't recovered from that yet. She needed to step up. Squall had a lot on his plate and she still hadn’t figured out how to help him. From here on out, no more complaining. She could be happy. She had nothing to complain about.And then there was the whole catastrophe with Laguna. Rinoa knew, without him having to say it, that this information that Laguna was Squall’s father, and Raine was his mother, had rocked Squall’s world. He was lost in this new identity – lost in a storm of frustration and anxiety.Though she felt like she had been trying her best to bring him back. A single tear escaped and slid down her cheek. Pathetic. It was all just so hopeless when he was still stuck out there in the ether of his own frustration and sadness…What, other than her magic, could bring him back to her? It felt impossible. Should she take this stupid Bangle off and find Squall inside his own head? That’s what she had done during time compression…Rinoa didn’t know exactly how it had worked, but simply thinking of him had brought her to where he was. Her power had done that. It had been the thing that saved him.But she couldn’t take off the Bangle. Using magic was not worth the risk. It worked that one time, but who knew if it would work again? Rinoa had no experience, no practice with her magic, especially this abstract ability to search within the consciousness of another person. What if she hurt him? Or couldn’t make it stop when he wanted space? She was stuck.She wiped her tears away and headed inside. To her surprise, Squall was right there inside the door. He looked startled that Rinoa was coming in and he hesitated. She was scared, but then, so was he. Not angry, or sullen, but a timid look in his eyes that gave her a drop of hope. He was just Squall. Her knight.He looked so handsome with that shy expression. It reminded her of the night they met. Her heart skipped a beat at the thought.Rinoa took the leap. "Hey," she said. "Hey," he said. There was a decidedly nervous edge to his voice, but the ghost of a smile traced across his face. That was all she needed. Her own smile bloomed and the ache in her chest was gone. She slipped her hand into his. He gripped it hard. Squall was her knight. Squall was there for her."What are you up to?" she said in her sweetest voice. He swallowed. "Just looking for you." "Oh," she said happily. She was about to say, "Want to go get dinner?" when Squall pulled out a small bundle of colorful wildflowers from behind his back. Rinoa gasped, not having realized he had been hiding them, and Squall’s smile grew bigger. "I – um…”She crashed into him, wrapping her arms around his neck and kissing his lips with a frantic passion, heavily tinged with relief.
*
“I have something I want to say.”Rinoa took a deep breath and pressed herself closer to him under the covers. They were still naked, having laid there quietly after making love, their legs intertwined. She relished these moments. It had been a while since Squall had made himself vulnerable, talking to her like this, and it felt like a signal that everything was okay with them. Like everything was okay in the world.“You can always tell me whatever you want, Squall,” she whispered into his neck.His hand idly rubbed the small of her back. It always took him several minutes to get the words out, but when he did, she knew it was genuine. Squall was always genuine.Rinoa waited, her patience limitless in this perfect moment.“I just think…I’ve been lost in my head…”When he didn’t elaborate, she said, “I know.”“But…maybe I’m finally starting to get it. You know what I mean?”She smiled, though he couldn’t see it. Squall had certainly come far in learning how to express himself, but moments like these made Rinoa remember how far he still had to go. “What do you think you’re starting to get?” she prompted.“Well, you know…” he laced his hand in hers, “you always used to get so mad at me for not making my own decisions…for not having any – what was that word? Agency over my life. And now…”He was silent again for a long stretch. She waited, almost hearing the words forming in his head.“Now…I’m figuring out how to do it. How to move forward and create my own future, but without anyone to tell me how to do it. I have to be the one to decide for myself.”“Mmm…” she hummed, so proud of him. She squeezed him to brace herself. The deluge was incoming. “It’s just that I can remember now, when I was little…I had nothing. It was like I was so messed up from having everyone taken away from me…I never knew my mom or my dad, and my sister – Ellone – was just gone one day…I was too little for that, you know? I was only five. And when you’re five you don’t have any control over what happens to you. Cid and Edea were just doing what they had to do when they put me in Garden. I don’t think they meant to turn me into that cold, heartless person…I don’t think they knew how badly the GFs would fuck with our memories…I can see now that they were just doing what they thought was best…what they had to do…and it was probably really fucking hard to make that decision…“...And so I’ve got all of this stacked up against me…but I get it now. You were the first person to ever call me out on it and force me to see…So, I guess what I'm trying to say is that…maybe it was a lot of bad stuff that happened to me, but I don't regret it. I think…all of that had to happen, because it led me to you."His voice cracked ever so slightly, and she felt the sting of tears in her own eyes, but he barreled on, clearer than before. "And you were the one who woke me up out of that stupid lonely way of life. You made me see in color for the first time. And you made me see that there was something to live for…that life wasn't just misery and duty…"...And I know I still have a lot of work to do, to be better for you, but I know this is where I'm meant to be. And I swear to you, Rinoa, I swear I will never stop trying to be better for you. And I just wanted you to know that." Tears ran silently down both of their faces. Rinoa looked at him, studying every inch of his face, from his tear-lined eyes, to the slash of scar between his eyebrows, to the straight line of his nose, to his kissable mouth. She would never meet anyone as amazing as him.Rinoa squeezed him even tighter, and told him in a watery voice, "You are the most incredible person I've ever known, Squall."And they lay there, silently stroking each other, until they drifted into peaceful sleep.
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
"Earplugs, anyone?"
Quistis held out her open palm, a bunch of small beige foam pieces up for grabs.
Squall immediately took a pair. "Hyne, yes."
"Aw, come on, ya grandpas," Irvine said. "Earplugs? You gotta live a little. Loud music and all."
They all stood before a large pub entrance on a street in the north side of town. Rinoa could hear the pound of a bass drum from inside, the streetlight overhead casting a pool of white light over their group.
Selphie grinned up at Irvine, that manic gleam sparkling in her bright green eyes. She had been trying to arrange a group outing for a while, frequently mentioning how she'd heard the Esthar music scene was something worth seeing.
It was Irvine who pulled it off, though. He somehow convinced Squall to give it a go, and that was enough to get Zell on board, who thought it might be nice to bring his new girlfriend, the girl from the library, out with the rest of the group.
This put enough pressure on Quistis to tag along, as well, with the stipulation that she could wear earplugs.
"Onward!" Selphie yelled, punching the air. When she opened the door to the pub, a tidal wave of sound crashed into them. Maybe the earplugs weren't a ridiculous idea after all.
The entryway was small and dim, but opened out into a large space littered with heavy wooden tables and chairs. It was Esthar's version of a classic pub, retro and novel for the super high-tech city, and much more like Balamb Town than anything they'd seen so far, even if it was just a caricature. The walls were lined with large elevated booths, except for the far corner, in which a low stage housed a loud rock band, and the wall to their left, which had a long stretch of bar.
Warm amber lanterns hung on bronze chains from the ceiling, but a few brighter white lights lit the band, glinting off the lead guitarist’s vibrantly purple guitar.
“Let’s go sit there!” Selphie yelled back at the rest of the group, pointing to an empty booth on the left. They all followed behind her, winding their way through tables and chairs, accidently bumping into people who were hanging about, all of whom were dressed similarly to the dive bar they had gone to several months ago. This was clearly a trendy spot.
Millie, Zell’s girlfriend, was ahead of Rinoa, petite and unassuming, with her brown braid swishing as she inched her way behind Zell. She was wide-eyed and smiling, taking in every inch of the place, as if she was the luckiest girl alive. Rinoa instantly liked her.
They filled into the large booth, the leather slightly sticky beneath their legs. The band finished their song to mild applause.
“I’m not paying for everyone’s drinks,” Squall said.
The sharpness in his tone put Rinoa on edge. She looked carefully at Squall, studying his features.
The past few months had been an interesting balancing act for Rinoa.
On the one hand, she knew Squall was truly doing his best to be open about his feelings. He was still stressed beyond reason, but he often confided in her, and there were many times when she believed she had his whole heart. They had long stretches of bliss together.
But he was still sometimes maddeningly closed off. He’d still slip back into his head, isolating himself from her for days on end. Occasionally this was triggered by an argument, whether about something mundane or important, but often she had no idea what spurred them.
It was infuriating. And it hurt.
“No, worries!” Zell said, jumping up. “Drinks are on me tonight! How about some of that Esthar beer for everyone?!”
Millie leapt up beside Zell, content just to keep him company on the short walk to the bar. Zell beamed as he took her hand in his and they walked away together. Rinoa watched them go as the band finished up and made room for another group. Musicians scattered about the stage, plugging and unplugging equipment. Selphie and Quistis had made a trip up to the bar to get some food, but came back with news that the kitchen had closed an hour ago.
Though Rinoa desperately wanted to stare at Squall, to gauge whether or not he was just being his usual monotone self or if he was truly annoyed, she did her best not to. If he
was
in a bad mood, staring at him would just make him more annoyed. If he
wasn’t
in a bad mood, then staring would put him in one.
Rinoa chewed on her tongue, waiting for any sort of sign.
She still had a special reserve of patience just for Squall. He needed ample time to process things alone before he could come back to her. She knew this.
But it still hurt when he retreated back into his shell like this. Worse, it made her feel like a clingy child.
It also didn’t help that Edea’s “advice” kept circling in her head: as a sorceress, Rinoa was now bound to feel things like this so much more painfully…
Everyone else at the pub seemed to be perfectly happy.
“Ooh, that guy kind of looks like Seifer!” Selphie said, pointing to one of the band members setting up onstage.
Rinoa looked up at the stage, alarmed. Of all the things that had come from the Nations Rebuild summit, Seifer Almasy’s fate was not something Rinoa was particularly happy about.
Cid had pleaded with the assembly to leave Seifer alone, with the reasoning that he had been brainwashed and under the extreme influence of sorcery, and that there was no way he could have had full control over his actions.
It seemed like most of the assembly hadn't been too swayed by Cid's heartfelt speech, but it had again been Laguna with the voice of reason, compromising with Cid. In the end it was decided to leave Seifer alone, let him live out his stupid life, wherever he was, and only consider punishment if he caused any more trouble.
Rinoa, of course, had only learned this after the summit had concluded. She wished Seifer had just been locked away so she never had to worry about seeing his terrible face ever again.
“Hey, what if it
is
Seifer?” Irvine said, chuckling at the ridiculous thought. “Could you imagine? The infamous Seifer Almasy, the greatest war criminal of our time, wants to
rock out
in Esthar. He just wants to jam, guys, look at him.”
Selphie and Quistis were laughing as they watched the tall blonde walk across the stage. The guy they were looking at was clearly
not
Seifer – he wasn’t nearly as tall or as wide in the shoulders. He was also missing the scar on the bridge of his nose – the scar that mirrored Squall’s, that Squall had given him in retaliation last year.
Rinoa chanced a look up at Squall. He was disconnected from the conversation, his eyes unfocused and staring at the stage, frowning.
What on earth was he thinking about? He looked so upset.
“Hey,” she said quietly to him, “if you wanted to go, I’d go back with you. To Garden.”
Squall looked at her, eyebrows pinched downward in irritated confusion, making Rinoa’s heart drop into her stomach.
She had done it. She had been the one to push him. Fuck.
“I
want
to be here, Rinoa.”
“Oh,” Rinoa said, shriveling into herself. She had just been trying to help.
What had happened to her? If he had spoken to her like that a few months ago, she would have swatted his arm and told him off for being a big meanie. Or she would have made a funny face at him, or tickled him, or something,
anything
that would help him get out of his head.
But she just couldn’t anymore. She couldn’t find the energy right now. Not when he looked at her like that, and she knew that look could mean a week of him being mentally checked out, of not being able to tell her anything, or even being able to hold her hand in the cafeteria. It was unbearable.
The band began to play with a shockingly louder volume than the first., startling Rinoa and causing her to clamp her hands over her ears.
“Let’s get out of here!” Selphie mouthed. Everyone wordlessly filed out and poured out into the Esthar street. The quiet was relieving.
"Guys, guys, guys!!" Selphie twirled in the street. "Can we
please
get some Esthari street food?!"
"Well, this whole north sector is pretty clear," Irvine said. "We should be able to wander to our hearts content."
Selphie led the way, Irvine chasing after her as she giggled shrilly.
They arrived at the famed Market Street. Rinoa had only heard rumors of how the street used to thrive with business: a hundred stalls used to line the road, selling all sorts of Esthar specialties.
It was clear that the people were anxious to get back to normal, especially now that the monsters had been cleared out thanks to SeeD. There weren't more than a dozen stalls open, but the street was full of city folk in their long robe fashion, looking for anything that reminded them of how things used to be.
They joined the end of a long line, and Selphie was happily singing a song about meat on a stick while Irvine twirled her like a ballerina. Quistis was going on and on to Squall about how obnoxious the last band had been. Zell and Millie were holding hands and making eyes at each other like they were about to kiss.
Rinoa watched the new couple like they were a movie. She and Squall used to be like that, didn't they? Had they really drifted so far that they didn’t make those eyes anymore? She wanted that. She wanted it back, right now. She sighed and turned to Squall, resolutely dismissing her apprehension and lacing her fingers into his.
Delicious warmth filled her as he wordlessly squeezed her hand. Her shoulders relaxed. She could breathe. Everything was good again. Her knight was here, bringing her back down to earth. Why had she even been upset in the first place?
Just then, several people at the other end of the street screamed. There was a loud roar, and a siren sounded through the whole street, shrieking in their ears at the same volume as the band they had just escaped from.
"Fuck," Irvine said.
They all took off at a run towards the chaos at the end of the street. People were sprinting past them, terror on their faces, and the street cart owners all closed up their little carts with heavily fortified shutters that Rinoa hadn’t noticed before. Then, as if on cue, all of the little carts zoomed past them in the same direction of the people. The carts were all motorized. The Estharis were prepared.
“Is anyone junctioned?” Squall yelled.
“Yeah!” Zell shouted.
“Me, too!” Millie said.
There was a palpitating sense of relief. GFs were only being used rarely nowadays, and the sector was supposedly clear. They hadn’t even brought weapons.
Well, Rinoa had seen Squall pack a small pistol into a secret holster under his jacket. She didn’t question it at the time – after all the things they had seen, it only made sense to be prepared for anything – but now she was especially grateful.
The scene unfolded as they came closer: a man was prone on the city street, his foot in the mouth of a bizarre leopard creature, a Torama. Some hero civilian shouted from around a corner, trying to get the monster’s attention to release the man, but it wasn’t working.
“Rinoa! Can you do something?!” Selphie screamed.
She could, and she should. Rinoa reached for the Bangle, but Squall’s voice cut into her. “No!” he said forcefully, and in the fear of the moment, she obeyed him.
She didn’t have time to think about it as Squall took aim, hitting the beast a few times in the shoulder and neck. Still, it struggled on the man’s leg. The shots were not fatal.
In the blink of an eye, Zell and Millie were on top of the beast while Quistis ran up to the man to get him out of harm’s way. Irvine quickly stepped in to assist her, and Squall, too, carting the man around the street corner, out of sight.
Rinoa wrung her hands, the muscles in her legs pulsing, ready to take action but with no direction to go. Selphie was beside her, wringing her hands.
The two of them watched, frantic, as Zell punched and kicked at the thing with his brute force, aided by whatever magic he had junctioned.
But it was Millie that Rinoa could not stop watching. Out of nowhere, she had produced a long dagger and parried the monster, taking it head-on while Zell attacked its midsection. With an abrupt slice, Millie cut the thing’s throat deeply enough that it keeled over, head barely attached to its body.
And like that, it was over. Rinoa’s legs were still on fire from trying to do something productive. She looked down at her Bangle. She could have done something. But Squall shut it down so quickly, so decisively…
Zell and Millie high-fived in celebration. Everyone ran to where Squall, Irvine, and Quistis were kneeling by the injured man who was lying on the ground, barely conscious.
“He’s bleeding too much,” Quistis said. “We can try to carry him to Garden, or the city hospital, but that’s–”
“I can help him,” Rinoa said, her heart racing painfully.
“Rinoa,” Squall warned.
She shot a look at him, then looked back down at the man. His foot was almost detached. This was an emergency.
She couldn’t think about it too much – this man would die if he didn’t get help soon.
The air seemed to tingle as she swallowed hard and unlatched the Bangle.
The fear almost paralyzed her, but she took a steadying breath and harnessed her frightened energy into healing the man. A flash of bluish-white light appeared around him. Without stopping to think, she concentrated on Zell and Millie, causing two more short bursts of light and surprised “Oh!”s from both of them.
The man looked startled up at the group of them. The realization hit her: she wasn’t supposed to use her magic. Thank Hyne her wings had not unfurled and attracted anymore attention than they were already getting.
Go home, and forget what has happened here
.
Forget my face.
Fumbling slightly, she clamped the Bangle back onto her wrist. Her breathing started to slow. The man got up, his foot completely normal, and took off running. No one stopped him.
“Wow, I feel incredible!” Millie said, beaming. “Thank you, Rinoa!”
“Are you kidding?!” Zell said to Millie. “You
are
incredible!!” He picked Millie up and swung her around. “Did everybody see that?! That was
my
girlfriend!! Oh, and definitely thanks for the spell, Rinoa,” he added, setting Millie down.
“That was quite a show, boys and girls,” Irvine said, removing his hat to wipe sweat from his forehead.
They started back towards Garden, talking excitedly about how well the situation was handled.
All but Squall and Rinoa. She glanced at him covertly, again gauging what was going on in that thick skull. His jaw was clenched. He wasn’t looking at her.
The kick from the adrenaline was going away, yet she still felt a sickness in her stomach, a tightness in her chest.
Something was not right.
Squall was angry with her for using her magic.
She had disappointed him, angered him. It made her feel wrong in her skin.
Like the world was tilting. She couldn’t get in a full breath.
And with a weird jolt, she recognized the feeling as something familiar, from the very back corner of her memories.
She was seven years old again, her father glaring at her in his quiet anger, and she knew she better not open her mouth to say anything, because no matter what she said she always made things worse.
Back then she always ran her mouth anyway. And her father found punishment after punishment to quiet her loud voice. To tamp down whatever defiance she threw out at him.
But this was Squall, not her father. She loved Squall. He was her world. He was everything to her. And she was the one to make him angry, and frustrated, and walk away from her like he didn’t want anything to do with her.
It made it all a thousand times worse. She couldn’t bear it. She needed him so desperately she would do anything to make him come over and hold her hand.
She had already used her powers once tonight, maybe–
No. She couldn’t go rooting around in his head like that. This was different – the man’s foot had been an emergency.
And now without her powers, she was yet again at a loss for what to do.
“I can’t do this, Squall!”
The words had escaped her before she even considered them. He stopped in his tracks but did not turn to look at her. Everyone else was quiet but did not stop walking. They left Squall and Rinoa to whatever pathetic argument was about to unfold.
She was sure Squall was mortified that she would cause a scene like this in front of everyone. He remained silent, his arms crossed, his gaze anywhere but her.
Rinoa had his attention but couldn’t think of what to say next, couldn’t think of how to speak past the lump that had formed in her throat. She had to say something.
“I can’t know what’s in your head!” In her panic, Rinoa knew she sounded angry, but couldn’t stop it. “I need you to tell me! I’m struggling, here! I want to know what I did wrong!”
He turned, anger like fire in his eyes. “You used your magic, Rinoa! The
one thing
you said you wouldn’t do – and in front of all these people! How am I supposed to protect you if you’re acting so reckless?!”
“That man would have died!” Rinoa said, not able to stop her voice from shrieking. “I couldn’t just stand there and do nothing!”
“Zell and Millie were
junctioned,
Rinoa. If you had just taken a
second
to ask them…” He shook his head, as if he couldn’t believe how dense she was.
And of course, she
was
dense. She had not considered that Zell or Millie could have at least cured the injured man…
With another shake of his head, Squall scoffed and took off without her. Leaving her alone to stew in her stupid decision.
Even though she wanted to cry and scream and stamp her feet, Rinoa did not do any such things.
For the first time, she kept her mouth shut.
*
Rinoa was floating.
She was disoriented. It was hard to tell which way was up.
Her body was sore, like she’d recently been beaten, and cold, cold, cold.
Her eyes were closing on their own accord. It was too hard to keep them open anymore.
There was nothing to focus on when they were open, anyway. Just endless blackness.
“Remaining life support system: fifteen seconds.”
The slightest bit of recognition came to her: she was in a space suit.
Her eyes opened again. Little dots of white stars in the distance. She was drifting off, abandoned in space by Ultimecia. Left to die.
But….wait…
She’d been here before…
And Squall had come! He’d saved her!
Rinoa shook her head, willing herself to stay awake – to remember.
But what was she supposed to do? Wasn’t there something she had to do? It had given her more time, but what was it?!
It was his voice…she had heard it then, last time.
And the rings! Her mother’s ring had floated up beside his Griever ring, together on her necklace, and she had known, somehow, Squall was coming for her.
“Remaining life support: zero.”
Squall…
Where was his voice? Where were the rings?
She was so cold.
Her head was aching. A dull, distant thud of blood pumping in her ears.
“Life support has terminated.”
She didn’t know what to do…
Squall was supposed to come…
He was supposed to be there…
She was alone.
She was going to die this time.
He wasn’t going to come.
Just as she was about to take her last breath, Rinoa jolted upright in bed, her lungs expanding desperately in the cool night air of the bedroom.
She was alive. It had been a dream. She wasn’t lost, alone, abandoned in the void.
Abandoning Rinoa in space had been the most quietly evil thing that Ultimecia had done to her, and Rinoa never forgot that feeling…that acceptance that she was dying…and then the incredible, life-giving sound of Squall’s voice…and he’d saved her…he’d found her…
But he didn’t this time.
She was shaking uncontrollably, dimly aware that Squall was still asleep on the bed beside her. She didn’t want to wake him up. She didn’t think she could stomach it.
She knew it was a dream, she knew it wasn’t real. But he didn’t save her. He didn’t even call out to her. He didn’t even try.
It was like her body was caving in on itself, and she clamped a hand over her mouth as a sob forced its way out, threatening to wake Squall.
She couldn’t. She couldn’t bear to talk to him right now. Not when he had left her alone like that.
She put her head back down on the pillow and cried and cried and cried.
*
Rinoa hadn’t left the room for the entire day. She’d had no reason to. She had told Squall it was a head cold, and she just needed rest, but really, she’d laid there and stared at the wall, thoughts twisting around in her mind, getting muddier and less tangible as the day went on.
Angelo kept her company, curling up on the bed beside her for the better portion of the day.
“I think something’s wrong, girl,” she whispered.
But even Angelo’s comforting weight and listening ear couldn’t stop her mind from twisting between two ideas:
One was simply the image of Squall, scowling at her in frustration, and she could hear his thoughts, spiteful and cutting: “You don’t even pull your weight around here, Rinoa, why are we bothering to protect you when you just mess around all the time?”
And the other was the speech that Edea had given her on the balcony – the big “talk” she had planned that gave Rinoa the impression that her sorceress powers were more than just a curse, but a disease that caused this particular sadness, this despair. Like a poison that slowly made her more and more hateful.
By the time Squall came to their room that night, Rinoa was in a bad state. She didn’t sit up in bed, but looked at him as he hovered awkwardly by the door.
"Hey," Squall said nervously. "I, um, I have a surprise. For you."
"For me?" she asked.
"Yeah. Do you – do you want to go see it?"
After a second of initial shock, Rinoa felt the smallest hint of a smile threaten the corner of her mouth. She hadn't smiled in a while. Even Squall must have noticed. Maybe this was his attempt to change that.
Rinoa looked down at herself. She was still wearing pajamas. She hadn't showered today. Angelo hopped off the bed as if in embarrassment.
For a split second, the thought of showering and getting dressed and then actually going somewhere seemed like too big of an effort. But that look in Squall's eyes…there was something there. He was trying. He was coming for her. Her knight.
Rinoa could try, too.
She nodded, her smile creeping up another half inch. "I'll just get dressed really quick."
After a quick hop in the shower, and some fresh clothes, she was surprised at how much better she felt.
Squall was taking her out for a surprise.
He led her to the garage where they got into a car and headed out to the plains of Esthar. The anticipation of the surprise was enough to make her heart feel lighter than it did in days.
Squall was smiling in earnest now, and reached out to hold her hand across the shifter. Her whole body tingled.
They drove for over an hour. Rinoa kept trying to guess what they were going to see. Squall smiled at each guess, but she never got it right.
Finally, he stopped. They had driven through the knee-high grass and reached a level spot. He turned off the engine and stepped out, taking a duffel bag out of the trunk.
She followed him and watched as he stomped the grass down. There was a light breeze rustling the grass and their hair. He pulled a blanket out of the bag and spread it over the cleared spot.
He sat on the blanket, and beckoned for her to join. She did. The stars sparkled above them in a perfectly cloudless sky. The moon was not out tonight.
"A midnight picnic?" she guessed.
"Not exactly," he said, pleased with himself. Then, shocking her even further, he pulled a bottle of wine out of the bag and began pouring it into little paper cups.
"Here," he said unceremoniously.
She took it from his hand and sipped it politely, still wondering why they had driven all the way out here.
He was looking at her, resolute and steady. "I just want you to know," he said, his voice clear, all of the nerves gone, "that you are the best thing that's ever happened to me. And I know you’re not happy right now. And I want to help you. And I'm sorry if sometimes I’m difficult, and it’s probably really hard for you, living at Garden. But I'm trying. And I just want…" His voice broke ever so slightly, as if the words were too heavy for his throat, "I just want the best for you."
She choked on a sob, willing tears not to come. Did he have any idea how much those words meant? She had been holding on by a thread for so long, and he was finally offering his hand, pulling her off the edge of the cliff. "Oh, Squall," she said, but faltered trying to say anything else.
Did she dare tell him that her heart was inches away from breaking into little pieces? Did she tell him how many times she escaped to somewhere alone to let the tears out, tears borne of the fear that he had grown tired of her, or didn't love her?
No. He was a good man. He wasn't trying to hurt her.
She just wanted to freeze this perfect moment.
"You are the
best
man I've ever met," she said, her own voice cracking with emotion.
He leaned in, his lips pressing against hers, his fingers tenderly raking through her hair. She sighed and relaxed into him, kissing him back with relief.
This is all she wanted.
He pulled away slowly and ran his thumb down her cheek. His eyes gazed into hers for a moment, then he glanced over her shoulder, looking into the stars. She turned to look.
A shooting star zipped over the mountains in the distance. Then another, and another.
"Squall?" she said, the smile creeping back.
"A meteor shower," he said with a smile.
It was almost too much for her heart. That he would choose this: hundreds of shooting stars, each one a reminder of the night they met, and the night they first kissed…
Squall was deliberate. He did everything on purpose. And he knew exactly what to do to make her heart explode with happiness.
They leaned back, laying against the hard ground, and she cuddled up beside him, wrapping herself to him, watching the bits of stardust zip across the sky.
She clung tighter to him, taking deep breaths to stop the tears that threatened her. But they came anyway, trickling soundlessly onto his leather jacket.
These weren’t tears of joy, though they should have been. What was wrong with her, that she would cry at such a beautiful moment like this? Was this just her true nature now? Was this her power ruining a truly perfect moment?
And that's when it occurred to her: they were tears of relief.
She would take it.
Squall was amazing. She wasn't going to let her powers destroy their relationship for no reason. She could keep reaching out to him. She still had it in her.
"I love you so much," she said, pleased that her voice sounded sweet and sincere. "Thank you for bringing me here."
"I love you, too," he said quietly, and kissed her forehead, his strong arms holding her safe.
For a moment she clung to him, stuck to the idea that they were okay. Everything was alright between them.
They lay there in silence for a while, watching the sky as dozens of stars flitted overhead. Rinoa was certain she could hear the thoughts forming in Squall’s brain.
He gripped her tighter, his hand running up and down her forearm.
“I just want to be close to you,” he finally said. An invitation.
With a surge of affection, Rinoa grabbed his arm and leaned into it, nuzzling herself into him.
It had been so long since they had been this loving towards each other, and this sudden perfection made her hungry for him: her pulse quickened, the air around them growing lovely and hot.
Rinoa snuck her hand up the back of his shirt, grateful for the contact with his bare skin, letting him know she accepted the invitation.
To her delight, his chest immediately rose in anticipation, his face turning sharply towards hers. That same hunger was in his eyes – piercing her all the way to her core. He was hungry for her, the way he used to be all the time, in a way Rinoa missed more than she realized.
Their mouths crashed into each other, his hands seizing her backside as she pressed herself into his thigh. The reassurance that he still felt this way for her – that he was still so turned on by her – turned her on even more.
Rinoa caressed her hand over the front of his pants, stoking him further. Without hesitation she swung her leg all the way over him so that she was fully on top of him, pressing into him while they kissed frantically, his hands pulling her even closer, his wonderfully familiar scent filling her senses. Squall’s grip on her hips was that recognizable, tantalizing pressure that made her pulse race and her breath shallow. He was grateful for this, too, breathing hard into her as he kissed her deeper, their bodies like magnets.
She wasn’t sure if this had been his plan all along – had he anticipated them making love under the stars? She hoped he was prepared.
Oh, under the stars. He did love her. Of course he wanted her.
“Squall…” she panted into his ear, “did you bring…?”
He let out a small groan at the question. She loved that sound. “Yeah,” he said, then immediately rolled her to the side again so he could fish out a condom from his back pocket. A light breeze danced across them, the cool air causing goosebumps to rise up all over her skin. She ached with impatience, wishing he would be on top of her. Luckily he managed to get the condom out quickly, but laid it on the ground beside them, still wrapped, apparently sidetracked by the desire to touch her.
Squall’s deft hand slid down Rinoa’s front, and she felt a soft moan escape her lips. His other hand curved around her neck and she breathed deeply again, relaxed further by his intimate touch as they looked into each other’s eyes.
The intensity of his gaze was sometimes too much. Such a rawness came from it, such a powerful love, that she withered under it. She pressed her lips frantically against his again, hoping he would feel the same intensity through her kiss.
Suddenly slow and deliberate, he poised himself above her, blocking the rising wind and the stars out with his strong shoulders.
Squall’s face was almost lost in the darkness, but Rinoa could just make out the way he looked at her now so lovingly, so full of care and affection. How could she have felt so badly last night? Squall loved her so much – more than anybody ever would for the rest of her life. It made her want to cry again.
In order to stop another poorly timed flow of emotion, Rinoa quickly shoved her shorts down, then pulled on his backside, using her hand to guide him.
It worked. They both let out matching groans, untempered for once. No one would hear them out here.
She looked up at him as he slowly eased into her. The line of his scar, the pout on his lips, the way his eyebrows went down in concentration…He was so beautiful.
She was lightheaded with the ecstasy of it: the incredible sensation, the closeness of his body, the idea that he still loved her this much.
He kissed her with a franticness and beauty which, combined with the increased pressure from his body, made her every nerve ending feel on fire. Her hands gripped his strong back under his shirt, nails digging into skin that was now damp with sweat, in an attempt to get him even closer.
Soon, Squall collapsed on top of her, beautifully spent, lovely and warm. They both lay there, breathing fast. He kissed her messily, lips dry, and she blinked him back into focus, returning the kiss belatedly. Squall went to move off of her, but she greedily held him in place. He felt so good.
He smiled hazily at her grip around him. The same relief coursed through her. He was happy. He wasn’t done with her. Everything was okay.
“Don’t go anywhere,” she said. “Just one more minute.”
He kissed her again in response, and eventually lay beside her. They lay there for a long time in silence, Squall stroking her arm languidly. It was such a long while that Rinoa started to wonder if the sun would be coming up soon.
“Should we go?” she asked, not wanting him to answer.
To her relief, he sighed and looked at her, unhurried. “Let’s stay just a little longer.”
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
Garden had been docked in Esthar for almost seven months, long enough to have completely eradicated the monsters from the city. Irvine and his classmates had proven their worth, and were ready to graduate under the shifting requirements of what it meant to be SeeD. Rinoa gazed at her reflection in the bathroom mirror as she finalized one last touch of lipstick. The SeeD graduation ball was tonight, exactly a year since she and Squall had met, and she wanted to look stunning. The last several months had taught her a lot, and the result was showing in her face. She gazed at her reflection, and thought she looked older, more mature. She was eighteen now. A woman. Not the silly girl who had approached the handsome SeeD graduate at the ball with some ridiculous attempt at flirting.Rinoa adjusted the dress around her shoulders and fluffed out the skirt. It was a shimmery gold fabric that fit tightly around the top and ruffled out prettily in a short skirt. Short, of course, because Squall had let it slip that he really appreciated her legs, and who was she to deny him the view? A shiver went up her spine when she thought of his eyes on her, the way he could drink her in with just a look…With a little shake of her head, Rinoa brought herself back to the present moment. It was time to go. She stepped into the bedroom. Squall looked at her from the bed, stunned. "You're so beautiful.”A smile bloomed on her face. “Thank you. You’re so handsome.”He blushed.Squall was wearing his formal SeeD attire for the occasion. It was what he’d been wearing that night a year ago. The memory flooded her stomach with the same butterflies she’d had then. They walked hand-in-hand to the ball. Rinoa could not stop smiling. They toasted their champagne glasses together when they arrived in the ballroom. "To wonderful memories," she said. "To love," he said. Rinoa beamed and took a sip. The bubbles went right up her nose. "So it worked," Squall said as they watched the couples dancing. "When you hypnotized me that night." "Oh, Hyne," she said, linking her arm in his. "You have no idea how big of a crush I had on you. It was immediate." "Really?" She nodded. "I wasn't lying when I said you were the most attractive guy there. You were – are – the most attractive guy I've ever seen ." "Well, you're the most attractive girl in any room. By far." She bit her lip. He was amazing. "Dance with me," Rinoa said, putting her drink down and pulling him out to the center of the dance floor, decidedly reenacting that special night.Squall had looked so terrified that night, his hands reluctant to touch her. But the Squall of tonight was smiling as they situated themselves amongst the graceful couples. His hands were confident on her hips, grasping her much closer than he had on that fateful evening. The chamber orchestra was playing the wrong tune, but that was okay. She and Squall clung to each other in their own little world. "You better tell me if you see any shooting stars," Rinoa said into his ear. She could feel his smile against her cheek. "You, too."And then, after a moment, he breathed. "I love you, Rinoa." It was such a beautiful moment, his tenderness amid all of the excitement and glitz around them. "I love you, too," she whispered, taking a deep breath to keep her composure. It had certainly not been an easy year. But nights like tonight made everything okay. She felt beautiful, and loved, and wanted.She didn’t always feel that way. Stop, Rinoa thought. It was no use dwelling on how far her latent powers brought her down. The loneliness, the despair…even surrounded by her friends, her love…it could be crushing. She rested her head on Squall’s shoulder, willing herself to get a grip. Why did she always have to do this? Why couldn't she just let herself enjoy the moment? They held each other close for the rest of the song, and on the final note Squall pressed his lips to her cheek in a sweet parting kiss. He was being summoned to the stage to present the new SeeD graduates.Rinoa let him go, hating to part for these few minutes.For a moment she hovered by the dancefloor, not sure what to do with herself, and trying to ignore the rising frustration of the reminder that she often didn’t know what to do with herself at Garden. Rinoa clenched her teeth. It was her stupid powers, she reminded herself. Edea had told her this would happen. It’s not like it should be a surprise.With a determination that she wasn’t able to put her full force behind, Rinoa stalked off towards the bar. She didn’t want to drink anything, but it was the most straightforward way to keep herself occupied until her friends were available.The bar was small and there was a line. Rinoa filed in behind a woman with an ostentatious feather collar on her long red gown and another woman whose black gown trailed slightly on the floor behind her. The SeeD graduation ball was known for attracting visitors of all sorts – all with the intent of hiring SeeD. The two women were standing close together and talking, clearly friends. The woman in the feather collar spoke quietly, just loud enough for Rinoa to hear. “...Cannot believe what they’ve been saying about this Commander Leonhart…”Rinoa froze. “I know!” said the woman in the black gown. “Such disappointment. SeeD used to be the standard. I had that nice young man help me with the nasty business with my ex-husband last year, I’m sure you remember–”“Yes, of course. Hyne knows if they’ll continue with delicate projects like that anymore. Anyway, that’s not the worst of it. I hear–” both women leaned their heads closer to one another conspiratorially, and Rinoa did the same, unnoticed behind them, “–you know they’re housing that sorceress here, onboard Garden? I hear the commander is sleeping with her–”The other woman let out a little gasp, and Rinoa felt dread coursing through her like ice in her veins.The woman in the feather collar continued with a knowing nod. “I know, absolute shock. You’d think they’d have some sense of decorum–”“And it begs the question: are the students safe? Having a sorceress in their midst? With the commander behaving so foolishly?”Rinoa felt sick. She had to get out of there. Her strides were fast and hard against the marble floor as she made her way to the empty hallway. She made it to the bathroom and went straight to the sink, grabbing a paper towel to dab her eyes. The stupid Bangle clanged against the counter and she glared down at its reflection in the large mirror. It was so ugly, and it clamped so tightly around her wrist. She was gripped with a sudden desire to unlatch it and throw it across the room. Rinoa wanted to scream. No one at Garden ever gave her the impression that it was lacking decorum that she and Squall were in a relationship. She had always had the impression that they liked her – though maybe she wasn’t quite one of them, she thought that the students and faculty had a sort of pride that they could protect her.Was that all wrong? Was she really so blind to not see the truth of the situation?The sick feeling twisted her stomach, and she dug her nails into her palms, trying to parse out the storm within her.She was putting Squall at risk, just by being here. She was putting Garden at risk. People hated sorceresses – for good reason, maybe, but she wasn’t even using her powers! She helped SeeD in their new missions, helping people! But that wasn't true – she was helping in the Esthar monster eradication, but after that? What if the next project was something she couldn’t help with? Her stupid powers were an infection within her. They could wear her down and making her head down a path of despondency…And that her knight would help prevent that.What was her knight supposed to do if it ruined his life just being with her? A sob forced its way out of her as she slumped over the sink. What the fuck was she doing here? The door to the bathroom opened, jolting Rinoa upright and making her quickly dab her eyes again. She gave a little sniff and strode quickly past the person, back to the hallway and into the ballroom. Folding her arms across her chest, Rinoa was able to tuck the bangle out of sight. With one last little sniff, she looked around, spotting the person she wanted to talk to and walking purposefully towards her. "Hello, my dear," Edea said with a serene smile. "Hi," Rinoa said. "Um, can I talk to you?" "Of course, please do." Rinoa made an attempt to act casual. This didn't have to be a big deal, right? They could discuss sorceress powers discreetly. No one was standing close enough to overhear. "So, um," Rinoa hesitated despite herself, "do you think there's a way I could, you know…"Edea looked at her expectantly."Get rid of my powers?" Rinoa said in a rush. Edea frowned. "Well, I think so, actually. I briefly spoke with Dr. Odine about this myself – but what brings this idea to mind? Are you feeling unwell?" Was everyone going to think there was something wrong with her? And what would happen if she did get her powers removed – would she still be allowed to live in Garden with Squall? Rinoa should have thought this through a bit more before steaming ahead. "No, no, it was just a thought," Rinoa said. "I'm curious," Edea said, seemingly less worried, "do you feel your powers within you? Can you feel a pull to use them?" Rinoa paused, thinking. The only times she ever wanted to use her powers was when she was frustrated with Squall, when she wished more than anything that she could read his mind. "No," she said. Edea nodded and remained silent for a moment, waiting for further elaboration. "No, but, I was thinking about what you told me about…about how I could get sad and stuff."Damnit, could she be any less graceful? Edea more than compensated with her own elegant reply. "It can be an intense loneliness you feel," she said. "Have you spoken to Squall? Or your friends?" Rinoa shook her head. "Just tell them, Rinoa. Even Squall," she said with a knowing look. Both women looked across the dancefloor at Squall, who was talking with Irvine. "He can help you more than you know," Edea continued. "But you must tell him." Rinoa nodded again, as if fortified by Edea's advice. As she went back to him, however, she regretted talking to Edea at all.
*
Despite being discouraged by her own lack of forethought, Rinoa couldn’t stop thinking about the potential of having the sorceress powers removed from her body.The entire next day was nothing but one long daydream about it. What would it be like, to be free from this curse? She could hop on a train to Timber, no problem, and check in on the Forest Owls, maybe even help them in rebuilding their government. She could hike the mountains of Trabia with no one but the wind to guide her. She could release Squall from the burden of dealing with her safety and anonymity, and they could have a normal relationship. Well, if that was ever a possibility with Squall. At the very least, she could take away the complication of having to be watched all the time, and reduce the hopeless mood she often found herself in these days. Of course, she considered Edea’s advice, but only fleetingly. How could she bring any of this up to Squall? She imagined telling him the conversation she overheard at the graduation ball. He would do nothing but blame himself. He’d resign as commander and as her knight. Or – he’d double down, and use his status to spread the word that he didn’t give a damn what anyone thought, and come out publicly with their relationship status, putting the delicate balance of the treaty at risk. No, Rinoa was stuck once again. Her mind kept circling back to how much better off they would be if she was no longer a sorceress.In her fixation, Rinoa started to imagine how she could go about getting the powers removed without arousing suspicion. She’d have to gather information, first. Go to Odine without anyone knowing the true reason for her visit. She couldn’t let anything compromise her status in Garden. Selphie would be the ideal chaperone, of course, since it would be easy to tempt her out to the city for some street food. And so, her plan was put into action the following day. As predicted, Selphie was delighted for a lunch break out at the food stalls, and the two happily ordered Selphie’s favorite kabobs and sat together at a bench in the bright Esthar sun. Rinoa took one more tentative bite of the kabob and gave up. It was okay. So far it was the only food in Esthar that didn't make her instantly gag. Selphie had eaten three entire kabobs and was eyeing Rinoa's. "Here," Rinoa said, handing it to her, "take mine."Selphie grinned and took it. Rinoa felt a nervous wiggle in her stomach anyway, making her feel disinclined to eat anything. She had lured Selphie out here on false pretenses and it was time to carry out the plan. "Hey, would you mind stopping by Odine’s lab with me really quick?" Rinoa asked casually. Selphie looked at her, mouth busy with meat on a stick. "I'm just curious," Rinoa said, a perfect imitation of innocent curiosity, "what Odine has to say about my powers. See if he can give me a check-up or something." "Ooh, okay!" Selphie said. She dusted her hands off and got up, gathering her trash to a bin at the end of the street. They took off together towards the lab at the outskirts of the city. This was a good start. As long as Selphie didn't ask too many questions, things would be great. "So do sorceresses get check-ups?" Selphie said. "Is that a thing?" "Well, I don't know. I figured it wouldn't hurt to ask. I know Odine is obsessed so he probably won't turn me away, right?" Selphie shrugged. "Maybe he'll want to keep you. Like a pet." Rinoa's heart seemed to have moved up into her throat by the time they got to the lab. Of all the buildings in Esthar, this one was not at all beautiful. It was clinical, and soulless. It reminded her of a bad dream. Rinoa led the way into the building. As predicted, two Esthar soldiers were guarding the door.“Can I please speak to Dr. Odine?” Rinoa said. “I’m the Sorceress.” The words felt slimy as they came out of her mouth. Maybe she would never have to call herself that after today. This was only a recon mission, of course, but Rinoa was sure she’d go through with removing her powers if Odine said he could do it immediately. The guards, two Esthari soldiers, looked at each other – or rather, they gave the impression of looking at each other. It was hard to tell with their bug-like helmets. One of them nodded and turned, walking through the entryway. The other stared at them, silent and unmoving. It gave Rinoa the creeps.The guard returned with one of Odine's assistants, who brought them to the inner atrium. Odine, in his funny little outfit, striped collar sticking up, long cape trailing behind him, came wobbling out, hands behind his back and looking up at them suspiciously. "What do you want?" he asked in his usual clipped tone. This would be the hard part. Rinoa didn't want Selphie to hear the real reason for the visit. She swallowed and let the words tumble out, unprepared despite stewing on this for a few days. "I was wondering if you could check on my powers," she said, hoping it was a good enough start. "What does that mean, ‘check on your powers’? Are they broken?! You are wearing the Bangle properly, no?" Selphie glanced sideways at Rinoa, but remained silent. Rinoa always thought she had a knack for flying by the seat of her pants, but this was stretching it. "I want to see if my powers still work," she said, "like if you have a magic-proofed room or something I could test them out." "I do," he said. "But you make no sense! Are your powers malfunctioning? Are they causing you issue?" His shrill voice was making it hard to concentrate, but Rinoa tried. "I just have a few concerns. Something seems a bit off." Odine scowled, then turned and said, "You refuse to help with my research, and now you ask for favors?” He scoffed, but then said, “Follow me."Rinoa did as told. Unfortunately Selphie did, too. Odine led them down a hallway and to a room with a large window with a control panel under it. The window looked into a room with blue walls. A heavily-fortified door led to the other room. Odine pointed to the door. "Go in. Remove the Bangle ONLY when the door is fully closed, and then cast a spell."Rinoa took one last look at Selphie, who smiled at her and gave two thumbs up. Rinoa summoned up all her old confidence and smiled back. This half-assed plan was not going well. Not only was Selphie probably extremely suspicious about their little field trip, but Rinoa could not think of a way to get Selphie out of the room so she could make the big ask to Odine. Rinoa sighed and walked into the blue room. The lights were dim, but Odine and Selphie were clear through the window. Odine spoke to her through an intercom. "Do a spell!" he ordered. Rinoa removed the Bangle and set it on the floor beside her. It had been so long since she’d used her magic so it took her a moment to think of what to do. Maybe a curing spell? That wouldn’t harm anything. A sudden rush of energy flew upwards from her body, and it was startling how much power she felt – it was too much. However, her body filled with a lovely warmth as a bright white light flashed just above her head, lowering the curing spell on top of her. "So what is the problem?" Odine asked. Rinoa took a few steadying breaths. She knew she was going to sound stupid before she even opened her mouth. "Well, does everything look okay?" she asked. "Does my magic still work properly?" "You are the one who felt the spell, girl!" he yelled. "You tell me!" "Well, I think it felt okay." It was now or never. "Hey, Dr. Odine? I was just curious – do you think you could ever get rid of my powers? Like, take them away?" "Yes, of course. Odine can do anything." "Wow," she said, her breathing becoming shallow with excitement. "Could you do it right now?" "That is unclear. There must be many tests. Have you brought this girl as your successor?" Selphie jumped and looked at him. "Rinoa?!" "No, no," Rinoa said quickly. Her heart sank all the way to the floor. It hadn't occurred to her that she would still need someone to pass the powers onto. How in the hell was she supposed to condemn someone to this terrible fate? Rinoa brushed the thought aside, other concerns coming forward. "How long would the tests take?" she asked, all the false confidence gone. "Unclear. Months, maybe years. I would need constant observation and study of the power within. And then design a system to withdraw it." His words hit her like a sledgehammer. Months? Years? Rinoa scrambled thinking of what to say next without letting on that this was a huge blow. Tears pricked her eyes as she reached down and grabbed the Bangle, clamping it to her wrist. "Okay," she said. She felt like a zombie as she walked up to the heavy door. A loud buzz sounded, and the door unsealed itself so that she could step outside. With a manic sort of rush, Rinoa forced her face to contort into a smile. "Thanks, Dr. Odine," she said, every ounce of cheerfulness requiring a herculean effort to produce. "I guess I'm okay, then!" "That was all?!" he shrieked as Selphie followed Rinoa back to the main atrium. "Well, I feel much better," Rinoa lied as they departed, gathering their weapons from the front guard. She felt a cold sweat that didn't quite match the arid heat of summer in Esthar. "Too bad he couldn't just get rid of your powers!" Selphie said. "Then you could just be free!" "Yeah," Rinoa said, her voice too bright. "But it's fine. I'm just glad I could test out my powers in a safe place. I feel great." It was hard to tell if Selphie was buying all this, or if the desperation Rinoa felt was obvious in her voice. But then, Selphie didn't have any reason to think Rinoa was lying. Selphie wasn't a sorceress – she had no idea what it felt like. No one did.
*
Rinoa seemed to have a permanent headache.Anytime she pressed her fingers to her temple to massage her scalp, she could feel the hot, stinging thud of her heartbeat. It simply wouldn’t go away no matter what she did. A few days after her ill-advised trip to Odine, Squall took her hand as they walked out of the caf after lunch.“Will you come to Cid’s office with me?”His voice was soft, but nervous. Rinoa looked warily at him. “It’s okay, it’s nothing bad.”She allowed him to lead her up the elevator and into the headmaster’s office where Cid and Edea were seated behind the large polished oak desk. The sky was such a bright blue in the large windows behind them that it made it difficult for Rinoa to focus. She squinted, feeling the dull pressure behind her eyes like a weak motor that wouldn’t quit. Squall and Rinoa took their places in the chairs in front of the desk. In the strange air of the unfamiliar office, Rinoa felt especially out of place, her head pounding, and when Cid spoke it only made the feeling more entrenched.“I’d like to offer you a job, Rinoa,” Cid said. Rinoa instantly felt awkward. “I’d like to officially ask if you’d be interested in being my assistant. You know, help me with daily tasks, make phone calls, draft emails…” When she was silent, trying to figure out who on earth thought it was a good idea to get her to do administrative work, Cid must have taken it as a rejection of the offer, because he had another one ready. “Or if you’d like, I’ve spoken with Dr. Kadowaki and she would be very excited to have you as an assistant, as well.”The awkwardness persisted. They were trying to give her something to do. Now that the monster eradication was done, Rinoa literally had no purpose aboard Garden. She couldn’t imagine they’d let her help with the SeeD mentorship program they were going to have with Trabia Garden, nor would she be allowed to help with the construction. “I’ve also spoken to the staff at the library, and they’ve said they could always use an extra hand around there, so that’s an option to you, as well.”With the stinging ache behind her eyes, it was hard to come up with a diplomatic response. She looked at Squall, who looked back at her, hope and concern in his expression. Did Squall have something to do with this? Something about the look on his face, the softness of it, the anticipation of it, made her think he did, and was doing it from a place of love. Rinoa looked down at her lap, considering. It was only fair that she should earn her keep. And if these were her options – third floor, infirmary, or library – then it made sense to be as close to Squall as possible.“I’ll be your assistant,” she said as she looked back up at the expectant Cid.There was a collective breath of relief from everyone else in the room.
*
Rinoa’s headache was especially bad the day they departed Esthar for Trabia. Everyone was packed onto Garden’s many balconies for the big move. It was a huge occasion to leave Esthar. They had been there so long – almost a year – that many of Garden's residents had come to see it as a kind of home. Rinoa sidled up to Squall and buried herself into him. She had told him about the headache days ago, but it didn’t seem worth it to remind him of it just now. He simply wrapped his arm around her, like he always did, and his eyes gazed out to the open ocean. He seemed satisfied. No need to mess with that.A horn sounded. Garden began to move beneath them, sliding into the sea with a little jolt. Most everyone was cheering as they steadied themselves from the descent. The ocean sparkled as they headed north into the vast emptiness. The weather was glorious: a crystal clear sky, a strong breeze coming off the water. It was a beautiful day to go sailing. It would have been breathtaking if Rinoa had any space for awe and wonderment. Instead, the brightness made her eyes hurt.There was a distinct clicking noise from behind them, and everyone's heads turned at once to see the panels of the Optical Camouflage System slowly hiding Esthar City behind a false image of a perfectly blue sky. Rinoa's heart was suddenly pounding as the last of the panels clicked around. Esthar was the very place she needed to be. She should have surrendered herself to Odine when she had the chance – the one person on earth who could get rid of her powers was gone from her reach. Now Esthar was locked up tight, back into hiding. She buried her face into Squall's shoulder and he hugged her tightly. What had she done?
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
“Manifesting Concepts into Corporeal Beings
Of the many unique types of magic that a sorceress may favor, one of the least-documented is the ability to look within the consciousness of another person to understand that person’s desires and fears, and from that information produce a living being representing the abstract thought.
The only known case of this occurring has been documented in the Esthar Sorceress Archives in the battle of The Children of Fate against the Sorceress Ultimecia. During the battle, the sorceress used her magic to peer within the soul of the commander of the Children of Fate, creating the guardian force Griever to represent a lion-type being the commander had imagined as the most fearsome creature in existence.
It is recommended that more studying be done to unearth further evidence of this particular type of magic.”
From “Magical Brains: a comprehensive study of the neurology of magical persons” by Ellone Loire
*
It would be a few days before Garden reached Trabia. Selphie took this as a chance to go into full-on event-planning mode. Tonight was Super Fun Movie Night.
Rinoa loved her friends, she did, but the effort to show up and be around them all in a tight space, all of them acting like there was nothing wrong with her – it almost felt like she would burst.
But Squall had her by the hand. She didn’t know how to say she didn’t want to go, didn’t know how to say she didn’t know
what
she wanted. So she let him pull her. Gentle but insistent.
Selphie led the group down the dormitory hallway. "I made some popcorn, and Irvy and I got these weird sodas from that little corner shop by the university before we left the city, and we have seven movies to choose from, and they're all
amazing
so we'll have a vote and it's going to be so much
fun!"
"Breathe, darlin'," Irvine said with his half-smile as everyone filed into Selphie’s room.
Selphie had collected dozens of pillows and blankets and had transformed her small room into a cozy, though slightly claustrophobic, little theater.
"Make yourselves at home!" Selphie beamed, ushering them in. "I'll get the snacks."
Irvine helped her as Rinoa led Squall to sit on the bed, their backs against the wall so they had a good view of the tiny screen on the desk. Zell and Millie took a cushioned spot on the floor in front of the bed, making eyes at each other and paying little attention to the world around them.
Quistis scoffed. "Damn," she said under her breath. "I didn't realize I should have brought a date."
Rinoa glanced over at Selphie and Irvine who were giggling about the sodas. Yes, Quistis was certainly now the
seventh
wheel. Quistis slipped onto the bed beside Squall, giving him as much berth as she possibly could.
Irvine passed out drinks and popcorn while Selphie rattled off the movie titles, giving each her own rambling review and effectively spoiling all seven movies.
"Just pick one!" Squall finally said after much arguing from Quistis and Zell.
"Okay, okay, okay!" Selphie said. "Let's do Journey to the Center of the Moon. It's got the
best
love story –"
"Just turn on the movie!!" Zell yelled, throwing popcorn at her.
Selphie was still grinning, too excited, as she turned off the lights and cozied herself up beside Irvine on the floor.
Rinoa relaxed into Squall's shoulder. Her head was pounding again. This was the headache that wouldn’t quit. Maybe she could just fall asleep.
Her thoughts were disjointed and hazy as the movie began. The title screen came up with lush, dramatic music, but Rinoa didn’t take any of it in.
Instead, her eyes went down to Selphie and Irvine. It was nice to see Selphie finally showing her feelings for Irvine. The look on Irvine's face was unbearably sweet as he watched Selphie instead of the screen. He was glowing with adoration for her. Rinoa was transfixed.
She looked up at Squall, and he was scowling. Her heart deflated. Didn't he used to look at her the way Irvine looked at Selphie? It wasn't that long ago that every little thing she did made him smile, or look at her with that wonder.
He felt her stare and looked down at her. "What?" he said quietly.
She sighed. "Nothing."
He turned back to the movie and her head pounded.
Zell and Millie had now fully disengaged from the rest of the world and were locked at the lips. Rinoa was again transfixed, and again full of jealousy.
She tried not to stare at Squall, her thoughts running circles around her mind. Distantly, she remembered
she
had to be the one to go to
him
. If she wanted those moments, she would need to retrieve him from his darkness to where she was.
She snuck her hand into his, lacing her fingers and squeezing.
He did not return the pressure. He didn't even look at her.
Instead, he was a block of ice. A robot. A slab of granite sitting beside her. She couldn't reach him.
She withdrew her hand, and with a jolt of anger she felt the stupid tears pricking at her eyes once more. She forced her eyes onto the movie but saw none of it.
Instead, she was distracted by the tiniest kiss Selphie popped onto Irvine's cheek. His fingers touched the spot in awe, and he slipped his arm around her shoulder.
This was a bad idea. Rinoa couldn’t take it anymore. She wanted to run away. She wanted to scream at Squall. She wanted to grab him by the shoulders and shake him.
But none of that would make him sweet and tender. Nothing she ever did made him like that anymore. He was locked inside his own head and she could no longer get him out.
Rinoa slunk against the wall.
It wasn’t Squall’s fault. He was doing his best. She had to be patient for him. She
had
to.
But her skin crawled. She couldn’t wait. It was unbearable. She was sinking into herself, falling into a deep hole. By the time he was himself again she’d be too deep – too far – he wouldn’t be able to reach her. He wouldn’t be able to hear even if she screamed.
Fuck, it was her own fault. It was the power, coursing its poison through her veins. Edea said to reach out but it was
too far
. She couldn’t open her mouth, she couldn’t stretch her hand out, she was frozen. Stuck. Paralyzed. Alone.
Her hand, though heavy as lead, reached up and clutched at the rings on her necklace, as if reaching for an oxygen mask.
This ring was the reason she had gotten her powers in the first place. If only she hadn’t been so
stupid
, so
impulsive
. She could have waited until after the battle to ask him for it. But no – she followed him into that building – blind to the insane danger ahead – just to borrow his ring because she
wanted it
. Any sane person would have stayed out of there, just waited a
little longer
. But she was too impatient. She got roped into the battle.
And she paid the price.
And now she was cursed.
She looked down at the tiny lion's head. The tiny little Griever. Squall had imagined this beast as the most powerful beast to have ever lived, and Ultimecia made it real. Just to torment him.
There was a stirring in Rinoa’s chest, under her ribs, and it radiated to her fingertips, making them tingle. She had only felt it a few times before – the pull to use her power – to see inside Squall’s mind – to see what she could possibly do to get him back.
She could find something in that thick head of his…something – anything – that would make him see how much it hurt when he was cold like this.
Or she could make Griever appear. She could do it right now.
Her hand was clutching his ring so hard that it dug painfully into her palm. But she kept clutching it, thoughts like a whirlwind trapped inside her.
Rinoa’s eyes roamed around the room, but it was like she wasn’t really there. The movie played on the tiny screen – a woman screamed, a man called after her – but nothing was real. Everything was the movie. Selphie’s room, the bed beneath her, the soda in Squall’s hand.
Selphie and Irvine snuggled closer, like characters on a screen.
Quistis made a sort of huffing noise, but it was miles away. From a speaker to her right.
Zell and Millie were dreamlike creatures – they couldn’t be real – they were too sweet and wonderful and nothing was wonderful anymore.
And Squall. There, beside her, untouchable.
The thudding in her head was unbearable.
What if he really didn’t love her anymore? What if she had finally pushed him too far?
The stirring in her chest was reaching a frantic level. A battering ram against the cage of her heart.
What would she do if Squall was fed up with her? Would she go psycho? Would she throw the Bangle off and dive into his mind? Or worse?
Her eyes were fixated on the actual TV. Blank and glazed over. Little figures like dolls in space suits dancing on the screen.
This was what Edea was talking about. A woman could go crazy like this. Maybe this is what drove Adel mad, and Ultimecia. Maybe they had just been too badly heartbroken.
Add that to the overwhelming isolation, the despair. No one should be surprised that they had lost their minds completely.
Wrecked and unlovable – what else were they supposed to do?
Rinoa slipped into a new wild place in her mind. Everything was closing in. It was all hazy and pressing into her skin. She thought she might burst.
“Are you okay?”
Though he was whispering, Squall’s voice made her jump in her skin.
Agitated, like a bird with an injured wing, Rinoa looked at Squall. She couldn’t look into his eyes – no – she couldn’t look at him. Her breathing was labored and her chest had a stinging pain right in its center.
She was still clutching the ring, and finally released it, her hand aching and at the center of her palm a deep, angry red mark.
“I’m fine,” she said, but her voice wasn’t hers anymore. She didn’t know where it came from.
He slipped his hand onto her thigh, but it was weightless, like they were in space again. He was reaching out to save her, but it was too late.
She sat, frozen, not sure how her lungs were still working with the feeling of a vice squeezing them so hard.
The movie was done. Selphie stood up. Zell didn’t move – Millie had fallen asleep against him. Quistis said something and Rinoa didn’t understand it.
Squall gripped Rinoa’s thigh, gently nudging her off the bed.
“You sure you’re okay?” he asked.
But cold poison coursed through her veins. Was she being possessed? Was that why everything looked so hazy?
No, this didn’t feel like last summer…This was different. This was…just her. It was just Rinoa.
But was it?
“Let’s get you to bed,” Squall said, the warmth in his voice foreign. Unintelligible.
Irvine stood. His face was strange. Why was he looking at her like that?
Don’t look at me!
Irvine’s eyes went to Squall. “Is she okay?” he said. More concern.
No! I’m fine! Stop talking about it!
“I think she’s fine,” Squall said, putting his weightless arm around her shoulder. “Just tired.”
Rinoa blinked, hard. She was exhausted.
But when they arrived at Squall’s room, she knew she wouldn’t sleep. Sleep was too big a risk; another nightmare would send her over the edge.
Angelo was already there and whined when Rinoa collapsed onto the bed, unwilling to let Squall look her in the eye. She would have to pretend to sleep.
Squall sat in the bed beside her, his weight pulling her body towards him, but she held herself firm in place.
“What’s going on, Rinoa?” he said, his voice soft and kind. Alien.
She didn’t look up at him. “Nothing, really,” she said, surprised at how steady her own voice was. “It’s this headache…” This was true, she realized belatedly. Her headache had reached a fever-pitch, making her eyes vibrate with the thud of each heartbeat.
“Okay, get some rest,” he said as he got up from the bed.
Rinoa fought back a scoff. He didn’t know what to do with her. He was giving up again. This was so typical. It should be expected by now. She was too overwhelming for him. She had pushed him away. She was a nightmare.
Why did he even bother with her?
Rinoa pushed her face into the pillow, waiting for Squall to finish his nightly routine. When he finally came to bed, she lay as still as she could, willing her breathing to stay regular until he fell asleep.
It was the first time she could remember, in over a year of sleeping beside him, that he fell asleep before her.
The thought was jarring: had she not even realized, until this very moment, that he had done that? That he had
always, without fail,
waited for her to fall asleep first?
She shifted slightly and looked at his peaceful face in the darkness. His brow was not furrowed, but relaxed. His jaw was not taut, his lips slack.
He looked so handsome.
Why did he have to be so frustrating?
Why was she destroyed by a small shift in his mood?
He had done so much for her. She loved him so much despite the anger and the fear and the confusion – but she didn’t know how to show it anymore. She didn’t know what to do.
And the sick feeling returned – the feel of the poison running through her, destroying everything she touched.
It was her ruinous power that got them to this place. It was always going to do this. She never had any control over it. The power was tainting this beautiful love she had for Squall.
Somehow, she knew it would destroy everything.
*
Rinoa’s eyes were too dry. She hadn’t been sleeping much in the days that followed the movie night. Blinking hard to get some focus, she gazed blankly at the computer screen.
It was only her second day on the job as Cid’s assistant. Everyone else was out at Trabia Garden, establishing the new mentorship program designed to help restructure both Gardens.
But Rinoa wasn’t SeeD. She was not needed there.
It was important, though, to earn her keep. This was her duty now.
There was no use trying to explain that she felt more useless than ever, glued to this computer desk, filing away whatever emails weren't important enough for Cid to review directly. What use would it be to argue their generosity? She had nowhere else to go. No one who’d want her now. She’d have to grit her teeth and live with her new reality.
It had been obvious on their faces that they were worried about her, Squall especially. He wanted her to feel useful. That was nice. He was making an effort. As frustrating as he was, he was at least trying. She could never blame him.
A thought had begun to creep into Rinoa's mind over the past few days: there was something very wrong with her. Something inherently wrong with the way she loved Squall, something wrong with how her heart worked now. She had all of these huge feelings for him: gratitude, devotion, care, desire…but it wasn’t coming out that way. And she didn’t know what to do about it. She didn’t know how to behave around him anymore.
In turn, Squall faltered due to her awkwardness. How was he supposed to love and care for her when she was so erratic and clingy, always chasing him down when he clearly just needed space?
It tore at her insides.
Her lipped trembled as she pulled up the next email, trying not to think about how unfair it was for Squall. That he should be stuck with someone as broken and cursed as her. He deserved better.
She was supposed to be working, though, not dwelling on her wretchedness. Taking a deep breath, Rinoa rubbed her eyes one last time to help the words on the screen make a little more sense.
Where was the form for this type of request? Selphie had been the one to give her a tutorial on how to use the computer, and had laughed uncontrollably when Rinoa admitted she didn’t know what the word “download” meant. Rinoa had laughed, too, at the hilarious notion that she was the one being asked to do this job.
It wasn’t funny now.
She clicked around some more. What was the folder called? It wouldn’t be under Network or Rosters…
Shit, what was it?
Absently, she clicked through several other folders and wound up on a file titled Case Files. A screen popped up and Rinoa froze, her breath catching in her chest.
A huge image of Ultimecia’s face had popped up, terrible and intense, yellow eyes burning through the screen. Rinoa wanted to click out of it, but couldn’t. Her eyes remained locked on the horrible face.
The soft ding of the elevator’s arrival made Rinoa jump, frantically minimizing the page and scurrying her hands around the desk, searching for something to make her look busy.
Zell appeared when the door to the elevator opened, and a smile bloomed on his face when he caught sight of Rinoa at the desk.
“Hey, buddy!” he said as he walked up to her. “How’s it going up here? How’s work life?” He chuckled at himself.
Why was Zell so nice to her? Rinoa couldn’t fathom it. “It’s fine,” she said, tapping a pen she had picked up in an attempt to appear nonchalant. And then, without being able to stop herself, “Did they send you to check up on me?”
Zell made a face. “Pshh, no. Just coming to get a folder that Cid forgot. Needed to stretch my legs so I volunteered. It’s so boring down there. Trabia people are weird.”
“Selphie’s Trabian.”
“I know, and look at her.”
Rinoa stretched her mouth into what she hoped was a smile.
Zell didn’t buy it. “Hey, come on,” he said, reaching his hands up to her face and pulling her cheeks upwards. “Where’s that classic Rinoa smile? Lemme see it…”
Rinoa pulled away from him, the tiniest curve of her lips turning up naturally at his attempt to cheer her up. She loved Zell. He could still make her smile, even if it was a pathetic version of her once-constant expression.
“Ah, there it is,” he said. “I see it, pokin’ out a bit.”
“Thanks, Zell,” she said quietly, tiny half-grin still present.
He shot a finger gun at her and winked, a spectacular imitation of Irvine. “Anytime. Well, I’ll just grab that file, then…”
The last of Rinoa’s energy left with Zell down the elevator. She turned back to the computer screen, pulling up the terribly beautiful face of Sorceress Ultimecia.
It made her squirm to see this face again so clearly. This face that had haunted her nightmares for the past year. This face that had caused every calamity that led to Rinoa becoming a sorceress. It was chilling.
There was a profile beside the image. Rinoa studied the scant details. What foolish girl would eventually inherit this curse and become the sorceress who almost ended it all?
Birthdate: ???
Birthplace: ???
Birth parents: ???
Birth name: ???
Physical Attributes: black wings, silver hair styled into horns, facial tattoos, yellow eyes
Known Associates: Seifer Almasy (knight)
Special Abilities: time and space manipulation (failed attempt at time compression), possession of other sorceress’ bodies, manifesting concepts into corporeal beings
Rinoa read it several times, shaking her head at the lack of information. How could SeeD know so little about her? How was everyone so certain that Ultimecia lived in the “distant” future, when they had no idea when she was even born? What if her time was right around the corner? How could they know?
Rinoa scrolled down, searching for any more information, anything at all that SeeD knew about this woman.
Her breath hitched again when her own portrait appeared further down on the screen, laughing and vacant-looking, a detailed profile beside it.
This page obviously wasn’t meant for her eyes, but she looked closer with morbid curiosity, her heart beating painfully in her chest. Blinking rapidly, she scrolled further down and found the portraits and profiles of Adel and Edea, as well.
She finally spotted the subtitle of the page: Index of Known Sorceresses. It made sense, then, that Rinoa would be on here. It stung to see how she was categorized according to SeeD.
But this had been the truth all along. She had to be taken seriously. Despite being the commander’s girlfriend, Rinoa was the biggest current threat to humanity. Despite being chained by the Bangle, and proving time and time again that she had no desire to use her powers…she was still the enemy.
Her breathing had not yet steadied, and the thumping of her pulse was once again loud and hard in her ears.
She caught herself staring at Ultimecia, entranced. Their features were so similar. Really, if she looked closely, they had the same chin, and their eyes were almost the same shape. They both had very fair white skin. With disgust, Rinoa imagined they could almost be sisters.
There was a familiar rush through her veins as Rinoa remembered that the same poison was within her…the same disease that inflicted Ultimecia with unimaginable anger was coursing through Rinoa even now, as she sat alone in the cold lobby of the third floor. They could very well consider themselves sisters.
And then – a thought in the center of her mind lit up, like a beacon of the terrible truth.
Everything was suddenly and terrifyingly clear.
Not sisters.
No.
More than sisters.
It all made sense…
Her obsession with Squall.
Casting Griever into existence.
And wings. Ultimecia had wings.
Rinoa had wings.
No one else had wings.
How did she not see it before?
How did no one see it?
The floor was falling out from under her. She found herself on all fours beside the desk, sick to her stomach.
These last few days that Rinoa had been feeling so ill…it wasn't a headache. It was her dark power, rising up and doing what it was always going to do…to ruin Squall with her obsession.
Ultimecia had picked that specific time to come back to – no, she picked the
exact
moment that she had fallen in love with Squall last summer…she picked the moments she wanted to relive over and over again…when Squall would do anything for her, when he went through hell for her.
That's what Rinoa wanted, and that's what Ultimecia wanted.
Because they were the same person.
*
Rinoa did not know where she was. Her body was weightless again, numb and cold, but her feet were moving on their own accord, shaking and stumbling, desperate to take action.
A piercing pain in her chest made her stop in her tracks. Her feet had brought her to the door of the second floor balcony. Squall had given her flowers in this very spot, in an attempt to salvage their relationship.
A rush of anguish flooded her. It was all for nothing. Squall could never save her. She was too far gone.
She didn’t even know how to love him anymore. Her love was inherently flawed – it would always be an evil compulsion, not love.
She was singularly obsessed with Squall – she was expecting too much – she couldn’t deal with the small disappointments – she was slipping.
She had slipped.
A scream was trapped in her throat, and Rinoa had the awareness to go out on the balcony so no one would hear it.
But the scream didn’t come. Instead, her body collapsed onto the floor, eyes clenched shut. She was plummeting down into the deep dark hole, too far from anyone’s reach…too far for oxygen to reach her…
Her brain was a thunderstorm, each lightning strike a clear and vivid understanding, more and more evidence presenting itself like some sick trial in her mind.
Wings.
Squall.
Griever.
Seifer, her knight.
Back in time, to last summer, when he loved her most.
Her castle beside the flower field.
It was too much proof.
It all made sense: Rinoa had received the powers, the powers were sabotaging her life with Squall, Squall would leave her because she was actually insane, and the heartbreak would turn her into the most evil, most powerful sorceress ever known.
Ultimecia could have gone back to any moment in time, to Adel’s reign, or before then, or literally any moment in human history…
But she chose last summer…when Squall loved her most…
How often had Rinoa thought about going back to that minute when she first laid eyes on him…back to when everything was perfect…to freeze time into that one particular moment…
She was Ultimecia, singularly obsessed with a simple idea. For Ultimecia, it was the desire to compress time – to create a universe in which only she could live. To Rinoa, it was the pervasive thought that Squall was the end-all and be-all, and nothing mattered without him.
It was the same idea.
Rinoa’s brain pounded in her skull.
It all made sense.
Because yes, Ultimecia used guardian forces, too. She wanted as much power as possible in order to compress time into a single moment, just to get Squall back…but her memories would be destroyed from the use of the GFs.
And it would go wrong. She would try to kill Squall, either out of sheer agony, or the inability to remember
why
she had gone to such great lengths…
Every inch of her body was trembling.
Rinoa had no idea where to go.
She had to do something. Immediately. Save Squall from herself.
What could she do? Her thoughts were still spinning, frenzied and disjointed, as she tried to come up with a plan.
But plans were always her weak point. That's what Squall was for.
She should tell him immediately, yes – and he could kill her now before it got to be too much, before the power took over and made her take off the Bangle and kill
him.
But Rinoa couldn’t get up off the floor. Sobs wracked her body, making her choke and sputter.
Squall would have to kill her. It was the only way.
Would he understand his duty, and end it all? Would he do it quickly before she lost her nerve?
No, no, he wouldn’t accept it. He didn’t know. He didn’t know who she was. He had already proved that, because it already happened.
He had already killed her last summer.
Should she stay here, in this wretched pile on the floor, until someone found her? She wouldn’t be able to explain herself – she wouldn’t be able to speak the words aloud. Whoever found her would see that something was very, very wrong, and they would finally send her away to the Sorceress Memorial.
But no! Squall wouldn’t allow it. He was so undyingly true to his word – he would never let her go back there.
And what good would it do, anyway, if she was going to one day escape from it and become the monster she was destined to be?
Was there anything to stop it? Could she break herself out of this curse?
Rinoa’s tears suddenly stopped. Her body stilled.
Could Odine do it?
Could he remove her powers, and let some other poor girl become the witch that almost ended it all?
She had to go.
She had to leave.
She had to fucking try something. Anything.
Her body moved in fitful bursts, back inside, down the hall, far more willing than her heart. Rinoa passed several in-use classrooms, finally finding an empty one, its window dark. Her hand shook violently as she reached out to grip the handle.
The door opened despite her difficulties. Her cold strides brought her to the first available desk and sat at it in the dark.
Where was the on switch? These fucking computers –
Fucking turn on!
With a tightly clenched fist she hit the top of the console and the screen flickered to life.
What was she doing here? She was about to do something so drastic, so
impulsive.
Maybe, for once in her life, she should
think
about something before doing it.
No. No, that was her fear talking. That was her denial. This had to happen now before it was too late. Before she lost her nerve.
Her throat was so tight that it might collapse in on itself. The pressure radiated upward and burned behind her eyes, making hot tears pour out again, blurring the screen.
Blinking furiously, Rinoa clicked around, disconnected from the actions her fingers took.
Dear President Laguna,
I'm writing to you to surrender myself to the care of Esthar and Dr. Odine. He saidthat he cpould maybe help with getting rid of my powers. I'm really concerned about them. I think their may be something wrong with them. But I don't want to scare anyone here at Garden, I don't want them to know. Please help. We are docked in trabia. Please respond. Please. I'm still wearing the Odine bangle, but I just need something else. I don't know what.
Rinoa
And with a last burst of energy, she clicked "send," and dissolved into a heap onto the keyboard.
The door to the classroom creaked open, making Rinoa jump.
It was Selphie and Irvine.
Their silhouettes were briefly outlined in the fluorescent lights of the hallway, Irvine’s hat bent over Selphie’s flipped hair, his long coat against her yellow jumpsuit.
Selphie was giggling, but Irvine became completely still as the door closed behind them. He had spotted Rinoa, her face lit by the bright screen.
“Rinoa,” he said sharply, running up to her.
Selphie flicked on the light and ran to Rinoa, fear etched in her face. “What’s wrong?” Selphie asked, her eyes searching over Rinoa’s body.
The scream was still trapped in her throat. Last summer she had tried to kill them. They should hate her. They should run away and get everyone to come destroy her.
Rinoa choked on a cough, trying to form the right words,
any
words, to tell them.
“Are you okay?” Irvine asked, kneeling beside her.
“Have you been possessed again?” Selphie asked, eyes wide, perched behind Irvine.
Rinoa was incapable of answering. She wasn’t possessed. Maybe it was best to let them think she was.
“Selph,” Irvine said, not taking his eyes off Rinoa, “make the call.”
“Are–are you sure?”
“Do it!”
During this brief exchange, Irvine had reached for something in his pocket and forcefully jammed it into Rinoa’s upper arm. The pain of the needle barely registered as Rinoa was suddenly nauseous, her head swimming.
Distantly, as her head fell forward involuntarily and Irvine caught her, Selphie’s voice shouted into the phone by the classroom door, “Code white! I repeat: Code white!!”
*
Rinoa awoke, but did not open her eyes.
Her body was stiff and sore.
That wasn’t the reason she kept her eyes shut.
If she could keep them shut forever, she would. To never face any of her friends. Never let them see her again.
If Laguna could just come pick her up, take her away, no questions asked…that would be best.
Take her away from everyone she was going to destroy.
She couldn’t look at them.
Eyes still closed, Rinoa assessed her body. She was lying face-up in a hard bed, likely in the infirmary from the sterile smell in the air. It was cold. Her body betrayed her with an involuntary shudder, followed by the sound of several people shifting around in the room with her.
Squall was there. With a heaviness she hated, Rinoa sensed his presence close beside her. He had seen her like this once before. And he had bent heaven and earth to save her back then.
He couldn't do that now.
There was nothing he could fix here. He had already done the job.
She should open her eyes, and at least have the decency to tell him that she was going to leave.
But she kept them shut a little longer, delaying the moment when she would destroy everything.
The thought made her face contort in sadness, again betraying her will to appear comatose. Squall’s warm hand was suddenly on hers and she could hold back no longer: her eyes opened slowly, still groggy from whatever tranquilizer was wearing off.
Everything was out of focus. Squall’s face was there, beside her, but there were far too many other people in the room.
“Rinoa?” Squall’s voice. Loving. Tender. Scared.
It made sense that they were all here, ready to fight her when the tranquilizer wore off. They were all probably junctioned. Armed. Ready for battle.
And Angelo, at her side, just as loyal as Squall, not understanding the truth. Oh, sweet girl.
Was this Squall’s plan? Code white? Tranquilizer injection on hand at any given moment?
Or did he fight this plan? Did he tell them she’d never attack them, delusional to the truth?
It didn’t matter either way.
Rinoa’s throat was dry.
She looked at Squall again, blinking him into focus.
He was so beautiful.
She hated herself for wanting him so badly. Wanting those moments from before. When she was happy.
“Rinoa, is it you?”
The agony in his voice was devastating. Anything she had to say would only make it worse.
She nodded her head.
“How can we tell?” A hissed whisper. Quistis.
“Where are we supposed to meet, Rinoa? If you’re ever looking for me?” Squall again, an anguished, choked whisper.
Rinoa didn’t want to say it. She couldn’t meet him there. He wasn’t there last time, anyway.
But they had to know it was really her. They had to know she was lucid, that she was the one making this decision.
With a difficult swallow, she forced the words out.
“Flower field,” she said, “by Edea’s house.” The words felt like a betrayal. “I’m sorry, Squall,” she said, looking him in the eye for the first time.
“What do you mean? Why are you sorry?” Urgent. His hand on her arm. Leaning even closer to her.
“I need the room please.”
It was Edea. Urgent, but in a different way. A knowing way. Her usually gentle voice echoed with an authority Rinoa had never heard before.
Everyone wordlessly filed out except Squall.
“Whatever you need to say, I want to hear it,” he said, still kneeling beside Rinoa.
“No, you don’t,” Edea said. “I’m sorry, Squall.” Voice gentle again, sorrowful. “I need to speak to Rinoa privately.”
Squall’s tormented face looked down at Rinoa once more, and Rinoa gave the tiniest nod.
He was not happy, but he got up anyway, casting one last confused and tortured look at Rinoa before exiting the room.
Edea sat at the edge of the bed and Rinoa remained motionless and silent.
“Laguna has called me,” Edea said quietly.
Rinoa didn’t speak. It had all happened so fast: her realization of who she was, her decision to take action.
They all knew she was damaged now. She couldn’t take it back.
"Forgive my boldness, but I think I know what you are going through," Edea said.
Rinoa couldn’t stop herself from scowling. Edea had no idea. She had
never
been in this situation.
If only Laguna had kept it confidential. If only Irvine and Selphie hadn’t fucking barged into that classroom. Rinoa wanted to disappear, not cause a scene.
Rinoa remained silent.
Edea sighed heavily. “Thirteen years ago, I left my knight. The love of my life. I banished myself from him in a misguided attempt to keep him safe – to give him the freedom to detach himself from me and my cursed existence, so that he may be able to one day track me down, and kill me if necessary.”
So what? Edea wasn’t evil – she had simply been possessed by an evil woman. Completely different story. This was a waste of everyone’s time.
“I spent twelve years away from him in order to protect him, and I
know
that’s what you’re doing now. I know, more than anyone, how that agony eats at you. And the terror of what could happen is so fresh on your mind – much more than it ever was for me – that I can understand why you’d want to leave.”
“It’s different,” Rinoa spat. She didn’t want to hear another word. She didn’t care if she was being a brat. “I’m not like you.”
A shadow passed over Edea’s face. She sighed again, this time with less grace and more impatience. “I know, my dear. If you want to leave, I won’t stop you. But I want you to know this: exiling myself for twelve years did
nothing
. My knight could have done so much for me, and I didn’t let him.”
“But you don’t get it!” Rinoa said, her voice rising hysterically. “You don’t even have your powers anymore. I just need to get to Odine so he can get rid of them. I’m not exiling myself. I just need to get this poison out of me!”
As the words came out of her mouth, her skin began to crawl, like the blood in her veins was attacking her from the inside. Rinoa clutched at her forearms, wanting to claw it out.
Edea nodded sadly. “I know, my dear. I know.”
A dead-tired feeling was taking over. Rinoa wanted nothing but to curl up in bed with Squall's arms around her. She instinctively reached for the rings around her neck.
“Laguna is sending a convoy tomorrow morning,” Edea explained, heartbreak in her voice. “He has agreed to let you live at the Sorceress Laboratory for however long it takes to remove the powers.”
Relief.
Finally.
Someone was going to help her.
“You don’t have to get on that boat, Rinoa. You can still change your mind.”
“I’m going. I have to leave.”
"Then please, I beg you, tell Squall what is about to happen," Edea said. "I understand if you can’t explain what’s going on inside you, but please. Try to understand what this will do to him.”
An odd burst of laughter almost escaped her, but she stopped it just in time. Edea was
clueless.
Edea got up, smoothed her long black dress, and took one last look at Rinoa. “I am sorry we were unable to help you, Rinoa. I hope you know that I will always be here for you. I am always willing to help if you want it.”
Edea opened the door and revealed Squall. Rinoa felt the pull towards him again, and she relished it. She wanted him there with her, in the bed. She didn’t care if it was her evil, obsessive self who wanted him. They had one day left. She didn’t want to waste it.
“What the fuck is going on?” he asked Rinoa as Edea left. “What happened?”
“Will you come hold me?” she said, not caring how pathetic it sounded.
In his panic, he obliged. He climbed in bed beside her, enveloping his arms around her, his familiar scent washing over her. She could breathe again.
But with the slow, steady breaths came the tears. They flowed freely down her face and Rinoa clutched him as hard as she could. He kept asking what was wrong, but the words wouldn’t come.
“Just hold me,” she repeated.
“Please,” Squall finally said, tears lining his eyes, “please tell me what’s going on.”
“I don’t want to tell you,” she whispered.
He was crying in earnest now. “Why? Please…Rinoa, I love you so much…I’m so sorry…I don’t know what I’m doing…”
Sitting up in the bed, she wiped her eyes. Squall sat up, too, anxiously awaiting her answer.
Years later, Rinoa would look back and still not know how she had the strength to say what she said next.
“Tomorrow, I will be picked up by a ship to be taken back to Esthar–”
“What?!”
“–to be taken into custody and studied by Odine–”
“No!”
“–so he can eventually remove my powers–”
“Stop!” he yelled. It was so hard to see him like this. He looked like a child-version of himself.
Her voice finally faltered. “I’m so sorry, Squall. I love you so, so much. But I can't do this anymore,” she said through the tears. Then, looking straight into his piercing blue eyes, she whispered, “Don't come and try to save me this time.”
He embraced her, his chest crashing against her with each sob. She didn’t know how long they sat there, crying.
*
The following twenty-four hours were covered in a strange fog. On the one hand, Squall had never been so loving and affectionate towards her, and it was bizarrely blissful, much like those few weeks after time compression. Rinoa fully allowed and welcomed his affections, though they were often peppered with pleas to make her stay. She was affectionate right back, frantically so, but would never acknowledge his requests.
Despite their affection, Rinoa felt nothing but relief that she was about to leave.
But of course, the following morning, as Rinoa gathered her small number of possessions into a backpack, her heart was full of terror. She didn’t know what kept her going as one foot moved steadily in front of the other, towards Garden’s main gate and out to the southern Trabian coastline, Angelo at her heels.
It certainly wasn’t helping that Squall was absolutely panic-stricken. Somehow, Rinoa kept moving, making her wonder again if she was actually possessed.
A small ship was waiting for her at a lonely wooden dock – a silver arrow of a ship that looked more like a spaceship than a boat.
A light snow fell as Squall followed her towards the ship, and Rinoa dimly recognized that a huge entourage of people were following behind him. She didn’t care.
Rinoa felt like she was watching someone else embrace Squall as he started sobbing again at the foot of the entry to the ship. Her lips moved, and only later did she realize what she had whispered in his ear:
“I will never stop loving you.”
As she took her seat in the cabin of the ship, the feeling started to flood back, starting in her toes and working its way up, until she realized she meant those words.
She was walking away from the greatest love she would ever know.
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
PART I SQUALL
Time Compression: A mysterious event in which a sorceress combines all various states of "present" into a singularity. Sorceress’ power from many generations cross over to give one sorceress great strength. In time compression, a person’s very existence may be absorbed by the event, causing them agony as their thoughts are ripped apart with their memories fading away leaving them unable to do, think or feel anything.
A person caught in time compression may, however, continue existence by willing memories of their present to the forefront of their mind. Strong emotional connections may potentially fight the power of being absorbed into time.
From “A Study of Natural Magic” by Dr. Wilhelm Odine
*
Squall gazed down upon Rinoa’s sleeping face. The white morning light illuminated the crown of her head like an angel. It felt appropriate. Rinoa was his angel, his savior, and the longer he stared the longer he thought maybe the light didn’t come from the window, but from within her, making her glow. Maybe this was heaven. The afterlife. Maybe he had died after all. Everything was soft and golden and comfortable. It didn’t feel real. And at the same time, it was the only thing that was real.Did she know? Did she understand what she’d done when she’d saved him?This is what life was all about. It didn’t matter what happened outside of this room, outside of her arms – Rinoa had saved him. She was amazing.For the past two days, he could think of nothing but that moment of opening his eyes after he was quite certain he had died. Opening his eyes and seeing her face. And the riot of colors around them. And understanding. Understanding that her love for him was strong enough to bring him back to life. No one – no one – had ever cared for him like that. He had always just been a number. A soldier. But now…The weight of her head on his chest felt so right, like it was always supposed to be there. His fingertips brushed against her feather-soft hair. It still felt so foreign and new, and distractingly pleasant. He squeezed her tighter.Rinoa stirred at the movement, and he felt his face stretch into a smile. He had smiled so much these past two days, ever since she kissed him on the balcony. Ever since she saved him.He could watch her wake up all day.She blinked her dark eyelashes up at him and mirrored his smile, twisting his stomach into a knot of anticipation: would she kiss him? “Good morning,” she said quietly, with an air of wonderment that matched his own.It was still settling into his brain: They were really here, the two of them. In his bed. After kissing for a long, long time again last night, and the night before.Squall couldn’t respond. The words were stuck in his mouth, jumbled up behind his lips that so desperately wanted to kiss her again.Rinoa had a different kind of magic. She could speak when he couldn’t. She could think of the words for him.“So, my knight, did you ever think we would end up like this?”Squall smiled again. It was easy. "I wouldn't trade it for anything," he said. To his pleasure, Rinoa melted at his words, nuzzling herself into his chest and clutching him even tighter."How do you have all of these sweet things to say now?" she asked incredulously. It took so much to get to this. It took Rinoa, forcibly inserting herself into his life, pulling him out of the darkness…If it hadn’t been for her…Last night was really the first time he'd had the guts to say anything out loud to her, to voice what had been in his head. It still astounded him how much courage it took to voice a few simple words, to ask if he could be her knight. But Hyne if it wasn't worth it. She had cried after he asked that. Happy tears, he remembered, cool on his shoulder, and she had kissed him so hard, for so long into the night. "You alright?" Rinoa’s soft voice snapped him out of it. She must have noticed a shift in his expression. She was always so perceptive about those kinds of things. Maybe he and Rinoa could run away. They could go find a little place to live, and he'd protect her, and she could live whatever life she wanted.Or they could go back to Timber and continue the fight for independence. They could go anywhere. Squall didn't even care. He'd go wherever she wanted. Briefly, he wondered what he would say to Cid and Edea. They had asked him to meet today, to “discuss things,” whatever that meant. It made his head hurt to think about seeing them again. Fuck off, idiots, he might say.Something inside of him realized he wanted his friends to join him if he left with Rinoa. Selphie, Zell, Irvine, and Quistis. They were part of him now. They were fearsome. They could do whatever they wanted. Maybe they would leave, if he asked.Rinoa poked his chest. “Hellooo? You okay?”Squall took a breath and kissed her forehead. Was he okay? Well, that was an easy answer. "I'm wonderful. I'm with you." "Squall Leonhart," she said, her smile huge, "you are really something else." He kissed her forehead again. Wordlessly, Rinoa traced her fingers on his jawline, upwards to his temple, then through his hair. His body seemed to cave under her touch. Did she know what she was doing to him?He closed his eyes, no longer smiling, too busy drinking in this intoxicating feeling. How did she do this? How had she done any of this? Squall breathed deeply and tried to let his confusion melt away with her touch. It didn’t matter. Only this mattered.His hands tightened around her, and he opened his eyes. She was still smiling. The entire world was here in his arms.When she ran her fingers like that through his hair, it was all he could do but put his lips on hers, only assured that it was okay by her enthusiastic response. Everything about her was so soft. Lips, hair, skin, her hand so nicely touching his neck. Her lips parted and he copied her, copying the movement of her tongue with his own. Everything with Rinoa was like this. It was a dance that she dictated, leading him to a new place that he’d never imagined even existed. It was all he could do but hold on. And thank Hyne he did.Squall had known he was in love with her for a while, but now…she was part of him. What she had done, by saving him in time compression, had infused her into every molecule of his being. She was the glue that held him together. She was all that was good in the world. Pulling away from her to catch his breath, Squall had the intention to say something, to signify how much he cared for her. But no words came. He could only stare at her, and touch her hair, contemplate how amazing it all was, and–“Breakfast?”A chuckle bubbled up from deep in his stomach. Did he giggle now? Is this something Squall Leonhart did? It didn’t matter. Rinoa was already on to the next thing, miles ahead of him – as usual. He kissed her forehead slowly, breathing her in.“Sure.”She smiled and bounded out of the bed, readying herself for the day. He watched her for a while, taking in every coy little glance she shot back at him, then finally got himself up and dressed as well.Rinoa was brushing her hair when he opened the door to the bathroom, humming something softly to herself. She captivated him, even just with this simple action of brushing her hair. How pretty the curve of her wrist around the handle of the brush…how her black hair shone in the faint sunlight from the window…Squall was still adjusting to thinking about her all the time like this, his body still adjusting to having her so close, and so it took him a while to realize they were hand-in-hand, to feel where his body ended and hers began, as they left the room and walked down the dormitory hallway.There were tons of people out and about already. They could all see him with his affection so clearly displayed. To his surprise, Squall found that he didn’t care.Did any of these kids have any idea what it was like to feel like this? No, not likely. None of them would ever come close to this. The rest of the team was already at breakfast. It felt natural to sit with them. They were a unit now. “Morning!” Selphie greeted, her eyes overly bright. Was she mocking them for arriving together? Squall couldn’t tell.“I bet you two,” Irvine said with his stupid sly smile, wiggling his finger at Squall and Rinoa, “are excellent snugglers.”Rinoa raised her eyebrows with that coy smile again. Squall could feel his face going red. “Wait,” Zell said, finishing his mouthful of eggs with a huge swallow, his eyes wide, “you two are sleeping together!?”“Hyne,” Squall said under his breath, covering his face. “Zell, have some tact,” Quistis said. “It’s alright, Zell,” Rinoa said, far too nicely, though Squall noted it was a non-answer. She picked up a blueberry with her long, slim fingers and popped it into her mouth. She noticed him looking and smiled so flirtatiously that it made his cheeks burn again. “So, anyway,” Selphie said, “what are you gonna talk to Cid and Edea about at your meeting this morning?” Squall looked at Rinoa, searching for an answer. He still didn’t really know what he wanted. It didn’t matter what Cid and Edea wanted to talk about – Squall wanted to go in and face them as his own person with his own wants. And he was Rinoa’s knight now. A certain expected authority came with this new role. The thought of leaving again came to his mind. But sitting in the cafeteria, in the familiarity of it, the ease of it, it suddenly seemed like a big ask to desert Garden and – do what, start a band of vagabonds? Rinoa may be willing to start a new life somewhere, but Quistis’ entire life was Garden, and Selphie and Zell…well, they had spent years training to become SeeD. Irvine might be willing to fuck off, but probably not without the rest of them. No, Squall would have to feel it out a bit. Wait and see how things went with Cid this morning. Gather information and make a decision.Did everyone else feel the same way he felt about Cid? Did they want to tell him “fuck off, thanks for nothing”? Cid’s poorly-timed mental breakdown didn’t make any of them commander of an entire mercenary army in the middle of a battle. “I don’t know,” he finally said. “Well, I for one request you discuss the end of the GFs,” Irvine said. “Oh, no!” Selphie said, frowning at him. “The GFs are our friends! We would have been toast against Ulti if we didn’t have them!”“Ulti?” Quistis asked.Selphie shrugged.Squall felt a strange crackle in his brain. He wasn’t junctioned, so it wasn’t a GF trying to communicate with him. It was a stranger sensation, new. His eye twitched. He tried to ignore it. “We can’t use the GFs anymore,” Squall said, causing most everyone around the table to stare at him. He looked at Rinoa, studying her face, not caring how ridiculous he must have appeared to them. She was all that mattered. He was never, ever going to forget her face again. He wasn’t going to let the GFs take anything away. “At least, not the same way we used to. I’m going to talk to Cid about it. But I think – it’s my opinion that we should stop using them immediately.”“Aww!” Selphie said. “I think it’s smart,” Quistis said. “The GFs have always been a big risk. I’m sure we can find some kind of alternative in the meantime.”“But what’s Cid gonna say?” Zell asked. “Isn’t that the whole point of SeeD? To be more powerful than the most powerful sorceresses?”“He doesn’t mean you,” Selphie said to Rinoa. “Right, Zell?”“No! No, of course not you, Rinoa! You're the best of all the sorceresses.”Rinoa smiled.Squall had only passively taken in most of this interaction. The feeling in his head was distracting. Foreboding.Like the foreshock of an earthquake. When it was time for Squall to head up to his meeting, Rinoa escorted him to Cid’s office door, her hand in his like a tether to the present moment. The disorienting feeling in his head made him unsure he would have made it up here without her.“You ready?” Rinoa asked. He suddenly felt heavy, like the effort to open the door and cross the threshold was too much. Like something terrible awaited him.She pecked him on the cheek, and opened the door.“See you later,” Rinoa said softly. He missed her already.Cid was seated behind his large polished oak desk, the view behind him of the stunning Balamb mountains doing nothing to soften Squall’s mood. To Squall’s fury, the headmaster was smiling. Edea was seated beside him, her expression gentle, but her brow was wrinkled in concern.When he looked into Edea’s tawny eyes he felt the same sort of jolt in his head that he felt before. Something felt wrong. It made him feel confused, like he had forgotten something. He thought he would have been used to that feeling by now.“Ah, Squall,” Cid said, “thank you for coming. Please, have a seat.”Squall sat rigidly in one of the leather chairs before the desk. Cid took an annoyingly deep breath before sitting back in his own chair and studying Squall over his eyeglasses. “How are you?” Cid asked, his fatherly tone making Squall’s blood boil. “After everything? I’m sure you have many questions. We asked you here this morning so we can talk through everything you might want to discuss. You’ve been through a lot, my dear boy.”Squall was still too rigid to even allow a scoff to escape. The slow, disorienting feeling was settling over his entire body. He sat in stony silence, head pounding, glaring at Cid.Cid sighed and shifted his weight. “You have every right to be angry with me, Squall. We have a tremendous list of things to talk about, but I think it’s most appropriate if I start with an apology. On behalf of Edea and myself,” he gestured to Edea, “I am truly sorry for everything that’s happened. I hope, if we can discuss things in great detail, I can explain myself. If you’re willing to hear me out.”
No. No, I’m not willing to hear you out, you old fuck.
“Squall,” Edea said tentatively after a long pause, “do you want to talk about what happened?”The feeling in his head came back, more prominent than before. A sort of crack down the center of his brain. It was distracting and frustrating.“Is this why you called me in here?” Squall said, forcing himself to speak, his rage thinly layered underneath a calm voice. “To talk about my feelings?”“We just want to make sure you’re okay, after everything,” Edea said.He couldn’t hold it in anymore. He turned to Cid, his voice no longer calm. “Do you think I’m okay?! After what you did to me? You were supposed to be the adult in the situation. You put it all on me! I never wanted that! I never wanted to be commander, I never wanted to be the mission leader for the battle against the most powerful sorceress of all time, I never wanted–”He stopped as suddenly as he had started. Something else shifted in his brain, like a crumbling of stones from the top of a mountain. A faint ringing in his ears, a pressure in the center of his head. Stones, tumbling down, out of his control. He was missing something. Something was poised on the precipice of his mind but he didn’t know what it was.“Squall? Are you okay?”And finally, the landslide.He felt himself slipping, taken over by the memory that erupted in his mind’s eye…And like he was in time compression all over again, he relived it in vivid flashes…He was in blackness, no one was there with him…he didn’t know where to go…Someone was calling his name…Edea’s orphanage came into view…He hadn’t made it back to the proper time…he wound up in his own childhood…he saw himself as a small boy, looking for his older sister…and…Ultimecia appeared…she gave her powers to Edea…and then…Squall’s eyes snapped open, back into the present moment, back into Edea’s tawny green stare. “It was me,” he said in a sudden rush of understanding, his heart pounding wildly. “I told you about SeeD…I told you…that you invented SeeD…to destroy sorceresses…”He was drowning in the landslide…All of this…everything that had happened over the past thirteen years…it all stemmed from that moment…he had unknowingly started a chain reaction that led to every bad thing that ever happened…he had created SeeD…and started the secret hunt for the sorceress…“Yes,” Edea said quickly, “but Squall, I want to make sure you understand–”“It was my fault,” he replied automatically. “No,” she said firmly. “That’s what I need you to understand, Squall – it wasn’t your fault. This is what we have learned. It would have happened no matter what we did. Any action we took – it would have led to this. That’s why we tried to protect you…”Her voice faded out, replaced by the ringing in his ears. He didn’t understand. It was too much. He put his hands reflexively up to his ears to make the noise stop. “Squall?” Their voices were fuzzy.He stood up suddenly, the floor tilting beneath him. He had to get out of there. Stumbling, he ran from the room, not sure where to go. He didn’t know if Cid and Edea were following him – he didn’t care. What had he done? What had he done? His own fucked up brain had gotten him lost in time compression – had led him to the wrong time, to his childhood, when Ellone had left him – where his mind had been stuck for his entire life. Was he really that fucked up? That the most powerful thought in his memories was when he was five years old, and distraught by losing his older sister? And then why! Why did he have to tell Edea about SeeD?! It was his fault that any of it existed! He had trapped them all into that horrid future…He was having trouble breathing, his heart throbbing painfully in his chest. He didn’t know where he was. “Squall!”The air flowed back into his lungs. It was Rinoa. She jogged up to him, Selphie close behind her.They were out near Garden’s front gate. How did he get here? He automatically embraced Rinoa, clinging to her. Her touch, her realness made him calm down. His breathing returned to normal.“What are you doing out here?” she asked into his shoulder, unquestioning his sudden desire for closeness.He couldn’t speak. Rinoa pulled away and observed him. “Your meeting was so short!” she said. “Did everything go okay?”He felt his face crumple. “Squall?” she asked, worried.“I guess I’ll leave you to it,” Selphie said worriedly as she edged away. He was grateful for the privacy to fall apart.It was all he could do to stare at Rinoa. He pulled her back into a tight embrace, unwilling to let go. “It’s okay,” Rinoa said soothingly. “It’s alright. I’ve got you. What happened?”He couldn’t speak. It hurt his head to think about it. It was all he could do to just breathe.She held him until he stopped shaking. He didn’t know how long it took.Shame and despair settled into the place where the panic had just been. He had never had such an utter lack of control of his own body. He surrendered to the relief of having Rinoa in his arms once more. It would have to be enough.
*
Like a shot of adrenaline, Rinoa took Squall out of his head, brought him back to the real, the tangible. The rest of the day was a blur of holding her hand and kissing her lips, and watching her eat and listening to her voice. He let himself fall into the blur of it, distracting him from the terror that she managed to put in the background of his mind. He couldn’t explain it to her. He couldn’t bring himself to tell her what he had done. He didn’t want to. It wouldn’t help anything.That night, when Rinoa was tired of kissing, she nuzzled herself into his side and closed her eyes.Squall watched her, completely entranced, as her breathing slowed, and her lips fell slack, and he was certain she was asleep.It was incredible that she could drift off so quickly. Did she not have several hours worth of overthinking to do? He breathed her in, the sweet fragrance of her hair making him think that maybe it was this easy – maybe he could simply close his eyes and sleep.His eyelids closed, then immediately flew open. Nope. It didn’t work that way for him.For a while, it was nice enough to watch the steady rise and fall of her shoulders as she slept, marveling at how wonderful she was just for loving him. But soon, too soon, his thoughts pinpointed to whatever had broken inside his head earlier.What the hell had happened to him in that meeting today? How had he forgotten the terrible thing he had done in time compression? It scared him. There was something very wrong in his head. He knew, of course, that his memories were fucked up already, but to forget what he had done while lost in his own timeline…The thought pierced his brain again with alarming acuteness: it was his own fault. The pieces all started falling again, and he was breathing too hard, and his head was spinning…It was all his fault. By returning to the wrong time, he had told Edea about SeeD, and Garden, and in doing so planted the idea in her brain. If he just hadn’t been so lost in his head, so fucking stuck in his past, he would have returned to Rinoa instead, in the proper time, and found her in the flower field like he had promised…where she had been waiting for him…Squall tightened his grip around her, to remind himself that it was all thanks to her that he escaped that terrible aloneness…it was only thanks to Rinoa that he had escaped the emptiness of his own mind. For the first time he imagined her showing up to the place they had promised, and he wasn’t there…she had been so scared, and he let her down…“I’m sorry,” he whispered to her. “I’m sorry I didn’t make it to the flower field…”But no, that wasn’t quite right.Another shift in his mind.His breathing slowed.How could he have done it any differently?His brain jolted at the memories.He had wanted to go back to her! He had tried! He simply couldn’t do it…his brain was not capable. He had learned, from so early in life, to completely gut himself of what mattered. To prioritize his strength and mercenary skills. To reject connection. He was a big, empty fortress.Cid had made sure of it: he effectively trained Squall into a mindless soldier, brainwashing him to prepare for a specific fight he knew nothing about…Fucking Cid. It was all Cid’s fault. Cid had kept him from this happiness…It was all Cid and Edea’s fault. They had been the ones to make the decision to lock him into this fate. If they had just told him, if they had just given him a fucking clue about the fated battle…he would have had the sense not to say anything to Edea! He could have told her something different! He could have prevented his whole miserable future…It all made so much sense. His entire life, from the moment he had entered Garden, had been an elaborate scheme to destroy the Sorceress Ultimecia. There was no room for anything else.A stab of betrayal hit him square in the chest. He had just started to understand how much Garden meant to him. How much he had started to see this place as his true home. And now…his home was something that he had never fully understood. It was something close to heartbreak to think that he would leave it. Anger welled up inside him. He could have had so much more happiness in his life. So much more closeness. The feel of a kiss…the touch of a hand…His head hurt again, but he kept his eyes open and fixed on Rinoa. His light. His savior.No, he had to be better for her. He took a deep breath into her hair, his chest shuddering. He had to get a grip. But Rinoa understood, didn’t she? Surely, when he hadn’t returned from time compression, she must have known then that something was wrong with him. She must have understood that he was messed up – that he couldn’t think of the right things to get him back home. He was the only one who couldn’t find his way back.The cold loner who prioritized duty over connection, who pushed away anyone who tried to get near him…Of course he couldn’t remember how to get back to his friends.But Rinoa had fixed him, hadn’t she? She had saved him. But it was as if he was still stuck in that moment in time, when he was five years old. He still didn’t know how to get out of it. Why was he still there? The pillars of everything he had known were crumbling and turning to dust…shaking his very foundation…He had to get out…Squall realized he was trembling. He couldn’t risk this. If Rinoa woke up and saw him like this again…He gritted his teeth and willed himself to calm down. He had Rinoa now. He should be grateful. He stared at her. The porcelain white of her skin, the curve of her red lips. Ever so softly, he held her face, taking it in. Her cheek was so soft. He was so lucky.Rinoa had saved him. She’d had to force herself into his life. If she hadn't done that… It wasn't fair that it took so much to get to this. Garden regulations still meant she wasn’t allowed to even be in this bed. He was shaking again, this time in anger. It wasn’t fair. His entire life wasn’t fair. It hadn’t been his own. Fuck Cid. Fuck Garden. Fuck everything outside of these four walls. He had been kept in the dark for his entire life. They kept his life, his fate, all their fates, a secret. He was done with the lies. He was not going to follow orders anymore. All that mattered was her. He was awake now, thanks to Rinoa. Awake from the life they made him live. And he wasn't going back to sleep.
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
Squall was gritting his teeth so hard it made his jaw hurt. His body felt rigid, ready for the fight.
He opened the door to Cid’s office and stomped his way to the desk. The pressure had been building within him since he had come to the realization last night.
Garden, his home, the only place he had ever been welcome and taken care of, felt unredeemable.
And it was all Cid’s fault.
Cid looked up, confused by the apparent fury on Squall’s face. “Squall, I’m glad you came in–”
The volcano finally erupted. Squall’s voice, when it came out, was laced in an anger he had never felt before. He had never,
ever
been so insubordinate as this. "Who do you think you are? Who the
fuck
do you think you are? To do this to me, and every other
child
who came through Garden?"
Cid sputtered for a moment, taken aback by the outrage in Squall’s voice, then attempted a recovery. “Like I said yesterday, there are many, many things we need to discuss. Now that Ultimecia has been destroyed–”
“You lied!” Squall shouted. “You never told
any of us
what was really going on here. Don’t you think we could have used just a
little
heads up on what was in store for us?! No, instead you trained us into child soldiers, carrying out whatever jobs paid the most money!” Squall heaved a breath and continued. “Why am I even here talking to you? I fulfilled my purpose, didn’t I? Why don’t you just leave me the fuck alone and let me find peace in my life instead of blindly following you like some – some
infant
who doesn’t know how to think for himself?!”
“Squall,” Cid said, voice bordering on panic, “I regret many of my actions, and I see now that we could have done better. I knew you were likely the man who had appeared to Edea, of course, ever since you chose the gunblade as your weapon, though it could have easily been Seifer. But what you told Edea at the orphanage thirteen years ago – we felt we
had
to make SeeD, we had to be ready to destroy the terrible Sorceress who Edea saw that day. And if you knew – if you knew everything, if you knew
anything
– you wouldn't have told her, and prepared her! You wouldn't have given Edea the warning! We wouldn't have been ready to face Ultimecia!"
Squall was still breathing hard from his outburst. He barely understood what Cid was saying. The confusion muddled his anger as he struggled to figure it out.
Cid continued. "So much of what Edea and I did was us simply wild guessing, trying our best to make sure we were prepared. In my panic it was too rash a decision to make you commander. It was my own cowardice that led to that. You had no warning. I knew you could do it, but–”
Squall remembered why he was angry. “I’m not just talking about that!” he raged, throwing his hand to wave Cid’s poor excuses away. “I’m talking about all of it! You never let me have a life of my own! You never let me have a single choice in what I did! All you knew was my one purpose. You could have let me have a life!”
Cid was silent now, his deep frown showing immense guilt. He had no retort. His expression was almost goading Squall to continue. To lay it all out.
Squall didn’t care. He didn’t need this. He didn’t need one more minute of following this man’s orders. “I’m done,” he said, his voice like steel. “I’m done with Garden, and SeeD. I’m taking Rinoa and we’re getting out of here.”
He made to leave, but Cid spoke urgently. “Squall, I beg you to reconsider. Please. Think of what it’s really like for Rinoa out there.”
It was enough to stop Squall mid-turn. He turned back around, sneering, his hands clenched into fists, ready to leave at any second.
“There’s so much more we need to talk about. But for now, I think I can safely assume that you’ve taken on the role of her knight. And as her knight you need to think realistically about her options.”
Options? Squall was annoyed with himself that he hadn’t really considered the big picture in terms of Rinoa’s new status. What would it mean for her to leave Garden? What would it mean to stay? Squall didn’t have any connections anywhere else in the world. Rinoa did, but would they take her in now that she was a sorceress?
What would they realistically do if they left Garden? Hide in the wilderness?
Even if they could do that, would people come looking for her? Not just Garden, but what about the people from Esthar that had tried locking her up before? Would they always be on the run?
Cid continued. “I know it may be hard to believe, but I really do want the best for you, Squall. I want you to fulfill your hopes and dreams–” Squall rolled his eyes, Cid ignored it, “–and find happiness and purpose in your lives. I never wanted this mess for any of you. You and the rest of the team. Edea and I, we made decisions that certainly altered your lives in substantial ways. I want to make it up to you now. I want you to have a say in running Garden.”
What?
This was more than Squall had bargained for. He had come to Cid today thinking he would air his grievances and leave a beaten Cid behind to stew on everything, making him feel guilty, giving Squall a chance to make a plan. Instead, Cid was offering this unexpected olive branch.
Squall wasn’t sure he wanted to accept it.
He was intrigued enough, though, to remain in the room.
He deliberated for a moment.
“What about Rinoa?” Squall snapped.
A knowing smile skirted Cid’s mouth, but he quickly dismissed it. “Yes. Let’s talk about Rinoa. Of course, if you really want to separate yourself from Balamb Garden, I won’t stop you. But I think it would be wise to discuss the ways you can help protect her from the fate of being a known sorceress. From one knight to another, I can give you my advice on what
not
to do, since I’ve made every mistake in the book.”
Squall felt his fists unclench the smallest bit. If Cid could be this self-deprecating, maybe it was worth hearing him out. In fact, if there was anyone in the world who had any idea what Squall might be feeling about protecting his sorceress, it was Cid, who was simultaneously a knight and the headmaster of SeeD, the military force raised secretly to hunt down sorceresses and kill them.
Cid again took Squall’s silence as approval to continue. “Using my egregious mistake to let Edea hide away for over a decade, I do think it would be wise to instead keep Rinoa here, at Garden, where she has the entire might of SeeD on her side, protecting her.”
“Rinoa’s her own person,” Squall spat. “She can make her own decisions.”
“You’re absolutely right,” Cid said, bowing his head respectfully. “I do hope you have a thorough discussion with her about all of this. But until any further developments are made – actually, I’m waiting to hear from President Loire about all of this – she can stay here, free of charge. I understand she doesn’t wish to go back to Deling City to her father…?”
Squall was unsure. Rinoa seemed to hate her father, so probably not. But would she want to stay here? She never really liked SeeD…would she be happy living amongst them? A pang hit him in the chest. What if she wanted to go somewhere else, like back to Timber with her old Forest Owl friends?
What if she wanted to go without Squall?
“Regardless,” Cid continued, “there is something else very important we need to discuss about Rinoa.”
The shift in Cid’s tone sent instant alarm bells off in Squall’s mind. “What do you mean?” he asked.
Cid sighed. “Edea and I have discussed this at length since you all arrived back from time compression. And of course, we spoke to you briefly, when we asked you to stay close to her. But there is always the threat of possession.”
Squall gritted his teeth again. He did not want to talk about this. Rinoa was just Rinoa. She was going to be fine. The terror was over. It had to be.
“Edea and I do not believe that Rinoa will ever again be possessed anywhere near the caliber of what she experienced at the Lunar Base. We are even convinced that there is very little chance that she would be possessed at all, since Ultimecia’s plans have been carried out. But the simple fact of the matter is that some version of Ultimecia still exists in the future. And because of that, there is a chance that she may appear at any time through Rinoa.”
“But what are we supposed to do about it?!” Squall asked, anger bursting out again. He didn’t want to think about this. He would never, ever fight Rinoa. Even though she herself knew it might happen one day. It made him feel sick. “I’m not going to hurt her!”
“I know,” Cid said, resigned. “But you are a smart man, Squall. You understand that there must be a plan in place. And it must be decided soon.”
Squall scoffed and crossed his arms. “What kind of plan? How can you stop her from being possessed?”
“We can’t,” Cid said somberly. “We can only react."
Squall rubbed his eyes and took a breath.
Rinoa was in danger. It was Squall’s job to protect her from danger.
Cid was right.
And fuck if that didn’t make Squall even angrier.
“Fine,” Squall said, sitting heavily in one of the chairs in front of Cid’s desk. “How do we react if she’s possessed?”
“Well,” Cid said, clearly trying not to appear pleased that Squall was complying with the conversation, “whatever the plan is, it is vital that Rinoa is not informed of it. In fact, it’s best if she doesn’t know there is a plan at all.”
“No,” Squall said flatly, and stood up, walking towards the door. “If that’s what you think, I’m not having it–”
“Squall, please! Please, let’s talk this out. We can make sure she is
safe
, Squall, that’s what’s important–”
“Do you hear yourself?” Squall turned back and shouted again. “That’s what you did to me! That’s what you did to all of us! I’m not letting you keep her in the dark now – that’s not going to happen!”
“I understand, Squall, I do! But do you understand what will happen if we inform her?”
Squall stood there in silence. He didn’t want to know. He didn’t want to talk about this.
Cid continued. “If Rinoa is keyed in, she will have that information available for Ultimecia to take and use to her advantage. If Ultimecia knows that her coming is expected, it gives her a chance to disguise herself and carry out her possession in secret. We want to know the moment Rinoa is possessed. We want it to be big, and obvious, the way it was when Rinoa was possessed before.”
Squall felt slow. He hated this conversation so much that it was making it hard to think. “Are you saying,” he said, trying to level his head, “that Ultimecia would be able to read Rinoa’s mind? And be able to thwart whatever plan we have in place?”
“Yes,” Cid said with a large nod, clearly relieved. “Edea can explain it much better, but she’s gone to the White SeeD ship to get things back under control there. She explained to me…Ultimecia is able to read people extremely well…” His tone became gentle. “I believe you experienced that, yes?”
With an unfamiliar bitterness, Squall recalled the memory with extreme clarity. Ultimecia, rooting around in his mind, locating the one part of him that he thought was safe: his imagination.
"That's – you don't – how can you know that she can do that to Rinoa? You can't!"
"She did that to Seifer."
The quietness of Cid's voice did nothing to stop the quick jolt of hatred he felt on hearing that name.
"We're not talking about Seifer!"
For the first time, Cid actually looked impatient. It felt like a victory. But then he spoke again and Squall knew he had not, in fact, won.
"We're talking about a very similar circumstance, Squall. The truth is that we simply don't know what Ultimecia is still capable of. It is vital that we come up with a plan immediately. I have been thinking about it, and I believe it would be beneficial to have a strong tranquilizer on hand to hand use if and when–"
"Fuck this," Squall said, pure venom in his voice, as he finally pushed his way out of the office.
He stomped his way across the third floor lobby and straight to the elevator, jamming the button hard with his thumb. He had no idea what he was doing or where he was going. He just needed to get away from that man.
A distraction would be good. Before he had ever met Rinoa, he would have immediately gone to the training center for a good workout, but no – he wanted to be near her again. He would give anything to have her hands in his hair, to hold her close right now, to release these stupid angry thoughts about things that were out of his control.
It made his entire body ache when he thought about her this way. Taking a shallow breath, he convinced himself it would be far too ridiculous to ask her to simply go back to their room so he could lay in bed and hold her.
But maybe she would want to, anyway.
First he had to find her.
His first thought was the library. Rinoa had always liked it there. Sure enough, she was there, sitting at the back table beside Zell and the library girl with the pigtail, her head thrown back in laughter. His entire body immediately relaxed.
“Squall!” Rinoa said happily when she caught sight of him, lifting his heart in his chest.
He went up beside her, wanting to touch her in some way but not knowing how. Rinoa seemed to know this, and so reached up and grabbed his hand. The softness of her skin on his was a small relief.
“How’s Cid?” Zell asked with a wry smile.
Squall sighed. “Annoying,” he said.
“Aww,” Rinoa said sympathetically, squeezing his hand. It was kind of nice how quick she was to empathize. He had to remember to do that for her.
He thought of how he was going to ask her if she wanted to go back to their room, but it felt too awkward with Zell and the other girl right there. “Do you want to go for a walk or something?” he asked her instead.
Rinoa smiled, shot a cryptic look at Zell, and bounded out of her chair. “See you two later!” she said, then led Squall out to the atrium.
“They are going to make
such
a cute couple,” Rinoa said with a knowing smile. “Millie is just a doll, and she’s head over heels for Zell. It’s really only a matter of time, I think. And what a well-timed entrance from you, Mr. Romantic,” she said, touching his arm with her free hand and giving him a coy smile. “I’ve been trying to get Zell to ask her out on a date for days now! Ooh, maybe we could have a double date! That would be so sweet! There’s a little restaurant in town I heard someone talking about, we could go there sometime…So, where are we going?”
They had made it to the center ring of the atrium. Squall still felt awkward asking her to just embrace him.
“Um…” It was nice enough just being with her, anyway, her soft hand still in his. “Do you want to walk to town? Maybe we could get some food or something?”
“Squall!” Rinoa said with an open-mouth smile like he had said something extravagant. “Are you asking me on a date?”
Oh. Well, okay.
“Yeah,” he said, brain whirring, trying to think of somewhere nice to take her for an early lunch. He had never brought anyone on a date before. Was there a protocol for this? He suddenly felt nervous.
“Ooooh, you are so sweet,” she said with an excited little shake. “Let’s go! It’s lovely out today.”
They ambled towards the front gate and out into the open Balamb plains. It
was
lovely out: sun shining, perfect little cotton ball clouds lazily rolling across the sky, and the soundtrack of Rinoa rambling on about whatever came to her mind.
It was utterly fascinating to hear Rinoa talk. The way the words came so easily out of her mouth was such a foreign concept to him. How did she have so much to share with him? So many thoughts, ideas, opinions, random observations?
“Ooh, look at that beautiful bird,” she said, pointing at the sky.
Squall bit back a chuckle.
“What?” she said, her eyes alight as she looked back at him.
“Nothing,” he said.
“Hmm,” she said, linking her arm in his. The closeness was welcome. “You are a mystery sometimes, you know. So where are you taking me? It’s our very first date, isn’t it? Ooh I'm so excited!”
“Have you seen the town?” Squall asked, applauding himself internally for his quick salvaging of the situation. “I mean, I know you’ve been through it when we were all – you know…”
“When we were at war and stuff?”
“Yeah. I could take you on a little tour of all the nice spots. Now that we’re not…at war…it’s actually a nice town.” And maybe he could think of a good restaurant while they were at it.
“Squall,” she said with a quick peck on his cheek, “you really are a romantic deep down in there, aren’t you?”
He shrugged, his cheek burning where she kissed it, grateful that this was going so unexpectedly well. Certainly better than discussing tranquilizers with Cid.
Squall filed that thought away. This was what he needed: time out in the sun with Rinoa, not making military-esque plans to plot her capture. It was time to live his life, and that included going on dates.
Rinoa chattered some more on their way through the Balamb plains. Squall listened to the musical cadence of her voice, high and low tones with so much expression, as his eyes watched the tall grass sway in the light breeze. He tried taking in what she was saying, but he was overwhelmed by a feeling of contentment of simply being there with her.
Is this what normal people had? What about the quiet people in town – were there other teenagers out on dates right now? Not on PTO, but just on their normal summer breaks?
Rinoa ran her thumb along the outside of his knuckles, and even in the summer heat he felt a pleasant chill run through him when she did it.
They were not normal. They were anything but normal. No, their official introduction had been when she hired him for a mission to capture a president and force him into negotiations. They hadn’t fallen in love because she sent him cute looks in class – Rinoa had saved him from being lost in time with her unparalleled magic and love for him.
The townie kids couldn’t say that.
He and Rinoa had something beyond what most people would ever know.
The thought made him stop in his tracks.
“Can I kiss you?” he said.
She laughed, that musical, floating sound that made him feel like he might just levitate right off the ground.
“You don’t have to ask anymore, Squall!” she said, scrunching her nose in that cute way. Then she lowered her voice with a touch more sincerity, her brown eyes looking bashfully up at him. “I always want to kiss you.”
His stomach flipped over nicely, and he pulled her in close, his lips pressing into hers. He was lighter than air.
Rinoa was still looking at him when she pulled away, her eyes so full of admiration that he couldn’t even comprehend it. “We should keep walking, if we’re ever going to go on that date.”
He fought back the urge to roll his eyes. To him, this
was
the date.
They started walking again, and he realized she wasn’t talking. Squall glanced up at her to make sure she was okay. It was rare that she simply stayed silent.
But she was smiling to herself. Maybe she
was
okay with moments of quiet.
“You seem so happy," he said, "being here in Balamb."
"Well of course I am. I'm with you."
Her words lifted him. It was unbelievably nice that she would say something so…affectionate. It was all he could do but kiss her again.
She made a muffled noise of surprise as he swooped over and pressed his lips to hers once more, stopping them in their tracks, but she quickly melted into the kiss before he pulled away.
“See? A nice little surprise kiss is wonderful,” she said.
Soon they were strolling into the east end of Balamb Town. “So, I think you’ve been through this main part of town a lot,” he said, now in tour-guide mode. He pointed past the little town square fountain. “There’s a really nice park if you go over this way.”
Rinoa had the most charming reactions to the park, and the docks, and pretty boardwalk that went along the west side of the island. She oohed and aahed at everything like it really was exciting to see the boring little fishing town with him.
Rinoa made everything so exciting. Everything was worth celebrating when he was with her.
By the time they reached the end of the boardwalk, Squall was certain he had fallen into good luck again. There were a handful of little shops at the very northern end, a few restaurants, and an ice cream parlor.
“Oh, Squall! Let’s get ice cream!”
He laughed and let her lead the way. He would follow her anywhere, even if it meant ice cream for lunch.
*
Days passed and Squall allowed himself to be caught in the whirlwind of spending every waking moment with Rinoa. They had settled into a routine: daily meals with friends, card games, lots of movies.
Squall sat organizing his immense Triple Triad card collection at his desk while Rinoa sat in his bed, feet curled up under her, engrossed in a library book. In all of their recent downtime, everyone had suddenly picked up an interest in the card game that Squall had been playing for years. Squall always accepted the challenges of his friends. It was entertaining to whoop everyone’s asses so thoroughly. Zell was exceptionally fun to destroy.
There was something therapeutic about ordering his cards. He had taken to doing so on the nights out in the wilderness in the chaos before Ultimecia’s defeat. Sitting alone in the quiet, no one ever disturbed him at this ritual.
It allowed him space to think.
And he hadn't done much thinking since storming out of Cid’s office. His brain was rebelling, maybe for the first time ever, and willfully only allowing thoughts of Rinoa and nothing else.
As he created neat stacks in little rows, thoughts came to him, slow and trickling.
What was Cid playing at? He wasn't chasing Squall down. He wasn't even politely asking them to finish their discussion. He seemed to be holding to his word about letting Squall get what he wanted out of life.
Right now, all Squall wanted was Rinoa.
Never before had he spent so much time in such close physical proximity to another person. Yet it felt as natural as breathing – and just as necessary. Her presence beside him felt required, like if he were to leave her side he might dissolve into dust.
Squall glanced over at Rinoa as she flipped a page, totally occupied by whatever she was reading.
It occurred to him this was possibly the longest he had gone in days without touching her. It was odd.
And suddenly, it was more than odd. Something nagged at him; a disorienting, threatening feeling. Like he was missing something…something just beyond the reach of his vision. A faint ringing stung his ears, and his eyes felt clouded by a thick fog. He dropped the Doomtrain card he was holding, his entire body rigid, his breathing uneven and shallow.
Squall blinked and a terrible image filled his mind’s eye: a vast desert wasteland, familiar and empty. The sky was a rusty orange. A metallic taste filled his mouth.
Heart pounding, he forced himself to blink again, willing the image to go away. Instead it seemed to suck him in as if he was there again – back in time compression, alone and terrified he’d never make it home.
Squall’s heart ached unbearably. No one was around. He was supposed to meet Rinoa. Squall
knew
she was there. He could feel her right beside him. But he couldn’t find her. He couldn’t call out. He couldn’t stand up and walk the three steps to where she was. His body was failing. He was crashing to the ground…
And then, like the breath of life, Rinoa’s arms were suddenly around Squalls’ shoulders, actually, physically touching him, jolting him immediately back to the small desk in his dorm. He took a deep gasping breath and clutched her arm.
“Hey,” she said, her voice in his ear. “I didn’t mean to startle you! Won’t you come to bed now?”
Squall swallowed, gathering his wits around him, and forced a nod. Abandoning his cards on the desk, he slid directly under the covers with her, wrapping his arms around her body. She placed her head on his chest like a pillow, one hand draped lazily over his stomach.
The incident scared him more than he could admit.
It was all he could do but breathe her in, the soft scent of her hair replacing the bitterness that had filled his mouth. The gentle babble of her voice slowing his pulse and guiding him back to reality.
She was talking about the book she had been reading. He couldn’t absorb any of it, but he let her voice act like a balm, soothing him and piecing him back together. Leading him back to the correct moment in time.
His breathing slowed back to normal. His mind was able to settle and assess whatever had just happened.
It was to be expected that he would be affected by whatever hell Ultimecia had sent him to. It came with the territory of being a mercenary. Bad shit happens. Traumatic situation. They had been taught in their training to anticipate these sorts of things. It would be fine.
Still, logic couldn’t fight the feeling that he was damaged. Shame engulfed him, making him grit his teeth in frustration. He couldn’t let a memory freak him out so much. It wasn’t like anything had happened.
Right?
As Rinoa chattered quietly on, his body continued to relax. Her voice and her touch helped quell the storm in his head.
Rinoa always talked so easily, about everything. Every night, wrapped in Squall’s arms, she’d talk for ages. She’d go on and on about the most mundane things sometimes. Sometimes she’d tell him her deepest secrets. He never understood how she did so with such ease. He was only grateful to soak in anything he could about her.
After a while Rinoa paused and looked up at him with those deep brown eyes in a way that made him feel like she was drinking him in. He must have been quiet for too long.
“I know it’s hard for you, Squall,” she said. “But you can talk to me, too. You can say anything that’s on your mind. I want to hear it. I want to be that person for you. You can trust me. You can tell me everything. It won’t be too much.” She reached up with one hand and ran her fingers through his hair. “I know there’s so much running around in that head of yours. And you don’t have to keep it in there. It won’t scare me.”
Squall sighed. He wanted to be as open as her. He wanted that ease.
Could he just…open his mouth and the words would spill out? Is that how it worked? He parted his lips, waiting for something to happen, but nothing came. He closed his mouth again.
What was there to say? Rinoa wanted to know what was on his mind. He didn’t think it would be fair to remind her of time compression. It only ever made her upset to bring it up. He didn’t want to talk about it, anyway.
So what else was there to talk about? He tried to pin down what had been meandering through his mind recently. When he wasn’t lost in thought about Rinoa, and the pretty curve of her lips, and the way her eyes batted at him so tantalizingly, the amazing feat she had accomplished by saving his life…everything else was all mixed up: his brain would wander towards how angry he was at Cid, and with that, the strange indecisiveness of how to act. What to do next. How to be a good knight.
It was all very confusing. No one was telling him what to do. He didn’t have a path laid out for him, like he’d always had before. This new lucidity in understanding he had been lied to his whole life did nothing to actually help him move forward.
“Hey,” Rinoa said lightly, tapping his forehead with a soft finger. “I know what’s going on in there. And you don’t have to do that. You don’t have to keep it in.”
“Don’t I, though?”
She looked at him, so patient, so willing to wait for him to open his stupid mouth.
Squall sighed. He couldn’t leave her hanging like that, waiting on his words, waiting on
any
words.
So he did it. He opened his mouth and tried again. “I…I don’t know how to do this,” he said, the shame rushing out after he realized how stupid he must have sounded.
But Rinoa wasn’t cringing or even frowning. Her eyes softened even more, her hand cupped his cheek. “How about I help you?” she asked. “I can give you some starters. And there’s no wrong answers. I want to know you, Squall. I want to know what’s in that beautiful head.”
Squall shifted his body to better hold her. This was remarkably nice. To have her full attention, and patience, and her soft body against his under the covers.
And he realized, once again, that he was all in. This was it. He was completely in love with her.
It was a striking thing to understand, day after day, that he wanted nothing more but for her to look at him like that. This was a level of trust that he had never imagined was possible.
“I’m so in love with you,” Squall said, surprising himself with the strength behind his words.
Rinoa giggled and it was so damn cute that he felt his own smile beam wide back at her.
“Hyne, you make me dizzy when you say stuff like that, you know,” she said, squeezing his shoulder.
And she paused, her hand still on his shoulder, and she was looking at him in that serious way again that made him feel lightheaded, too. Without another word their lips met. There would be no more talking tonight.
*
For several more evenings in a row, Rinoa helped slowly ease Squall into this new world of expressing his thoughts.
She started with easy topics, like how he felt about neutral things like birthday parties and movies and his favorite color (black).
Squall knew he sounded like a jumbled mess. He had no practice in this. But Rinoa was incredibly patient with him. And overall, it was nice to have this kind of time with her. Like she was willing to take the time and energy to be this uniquely important person to him. No one had ever been like this to him before.
Eventually Squall found himself talking about more difficult topics, sometimes things tumbling out of his mouth faster than he could stop them. He still didn’t want to approach talking about time compression…that was not something he thought he could physically do without triggering the images to come and take over like they did a few nights ago. Rinoa probably understood how terrible it had been. She never pushed.
But he spoke of Cid and Edea, and the vague frustrations he had with them. And of the fury he had at not understanding why Cid forced him into this role as a leader, and how he didn’t even know what he had been missing growing up as a Garden cadet.
One night the rambling led to a breakthrough.
Squall let his voice carry on, and Rinoa let him stumble through his thoughts, never interrupting, always listening with rapt attention.
“Sometimes, I wonder…if it’s worth talking to Cid at all. I hate what he says most of the time. I still hate that he took all of us and trained us into mindless idiots. But also…I get it. He and Edea…they thought they were doing their best. Still – it sucks. But I…I think I can see what Cid means…when he says that we have a specific purpose here in Garden. And now that the original purpose has been fulfilled…there’s so much potential, isn’t there? And part of me sees that I could really do whatever. I could make Garden something better. The past is the past. It’s time to move on. I could make it exactly what I want. Whatever that is.”
“Oh, Squall,” Rinoa said, and he ached pleasantly to hear the affection in her voice, “you can do anything. You are the only one who can decide what you want. I’ll be here, no matter what that is.”
Those words…
I’ll be here
…he told her that when he had promised to meet her at the flower field.
And yet, it was Rinoa who was there. She was the one who kept her end of the bargain. He couldn’t forget how he had failed her.
He could never do that again.
Squall suddenly felt the upswing of emotion that came whenever he thought about it. He choked, knowing that stupid tears were threatening their way out again.
“I’m so grateful that you found me,” he said. “None of this would have happened without you.”
Rinoa smiled and pressed her forehead to his.
He kissed her with the urgency that came with these swelling emotions. She was his guidepost, his reason to keep going. She was his beacon.
Her soft hands went through his hair, down his neck, across his chest. Squall thought he might die from the pleasure of it.
His body was starting to crave hers with a frenetic sort of energy. He realized with certainty that he wanted her entire self, and he wanted to give his entire self to her.
His angel. His savior.
He would do anything for her.
Something had clicked, something made him want her in this new way. But it terrified him.
How could he tell her how intensely he wanted her? It was overwhelming, especially when all she ever did was kiss him, never letting her hands wander.
And so, he exerted an immense amount of effort to stay at her pace, never escalating. In so many ways he felt the security of their relationship, but this one aspect felt so fragile.
He didn’t dare push it.
So he kissed her, and kissed her, and let himself bask in the nearness of her body, and let her soothe his mind.
Everything else could wait.
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
Squall was unraveling for Rinoa: allowing his thoughts out in the open for once, allowing her touch constantly, allowing her presence to heal him from whatever messed up hell his body and mind needed to recover from.Despite this slow pleasantness, the wider world outside of their little bubble started to push in on them, threatening to ruin the peaceful haven they had created in his dorm room.Cid himself was not insistent upon Squall’s cooperation, but every other resident of Garden was. Missions had been halted and so SeeDs were eager to know what’s next. Xu in particular was like a rabid animal. As operations manager, she thrived on the day-to-day business of dispatching SeeD into the field. She had taken to stalking Squall, her intense stare threatening to liquify him when he didn’t have answers for her. On top of it, it was becoming clear that Rinoa’s powers were something that needed to be addressed. She was waking frequently at night now, screaming as if being brutally beaten, the terror on her face at what she was capable of making him paralyzed with worry for her. He would do anything to take away that fear…to get her smile back, to make her silly and carefree again. But like everything else, he didn’t have a single idea of what to do. He’d rub her back, he’d repeat the platitudes that she might say to him, and sit and watch her as his stomach tied in knots.It was this helplessness that finally pushed Squall to drag his feet back to Cid’s office. Squall still didn’t feel ready for the conversations that needed to happen, but getting in the office was a starting point, at very least. He couldn’t sit around waiting for other people to make decisions anymore. He needed to do something .Cid greeted him that morning as if Squall hadn’t been an insubordinate asshole the last time they spoke. “Ah, good morning, Squall! Please, please, come in.”Squall’s discomfort bubbled just below the surface of his skin as he sat in one of the leather chairs in front of the massive desk.“So,” Cid continued, his placid smile doing nothing to quell Squall’s imminent frustration, “I’m glad to see you again.”The smile remained, but the lingering silence made the message very clear: the ball was in Squall’s court.Squall cleared his throat. He should have planned this. He thought that all of the talking he’d done with Rinoa had worked into something cohesive that he could lay out to Cid. But he was still just a child with no idea where to go or what to do.Cid seemed to sense the hesitation on Squall’s part and decided to prompt him politely. “How are you doing? How is Rinoa adjusting?”Squall looked away, his hands fiddling with the arm rests. “I’m fine,” he said thoughtlessly. There was so much more to talk about than himself. Might as well bring up what was really on his mind. The reason he came. “I’m worried about Rinoa.”“Yes, yes…you’ve got quite a job, my boy. Quite a job,” Cid said, nodding slowly.Squall stared at Cid blankly. If that wasn’t the least helpful statement…Cid continued. “Tell me about your worries.”Squall hesitated, rearranging the words in his head to make himself understood. “I don’t want to talk about Rinoa getting possessed,” he said after a moment. Cid’s face remained passive as he nodded again. It was a peace offering. He must have been happy enough to at least get Squall in the office. “I, well…she’s scared. She won’t use her powers at all. She keeps having these nightmares where she thinks she’s going to accidentally kill everyone. I don’t know what to say to her. I feel like everything I do makes it worse.”“I think this is very much expected, unfortunately,” Cid said with a sigh. “Edea was much the same way. After we developed para-magic, she let her powers lay dormant. She didn’t use them for a single thing. She always referred to them as a burden, and not a gift.”“That’s what Rinoa says, too.”“It’s her choice what she does, Squall,” Cid said. “But you can help guide her. You have the freedom of having a clear head to help her see her choices.”Squall frowned. How could he help her when he himself was so weighed down with confusion? With nightmares and visions that plagued him with alarming regularity, too?It didn’t matter, though. He could deal with his own problems. Rinoa needed him now . “I believe you are well suited to the role of her knight,” Cid continued. “But don’t think that you will do the job perfectly right off the bat. You and Rinoa have a strong affinity for each other, and that affinity must grow. You must learn alongside her, Squall. It takes patience to figure out what she needs. She might not know what she needs. It will take time. And you know,” Cid said, the tiniest hint of a smirk on the corner of his mouth, “I think we can overlook a few things, such as a certain case of cohabitation that I’ve turned my eye from, if you think you can handle the extra responsibility in the meantime.”Squall felt the blood rush to his cheeks and tried in vain to hide behind his hands. He didn’t mean to be embarrassed by Cid knowing about Rinoa sleeping in his room every night, but he couldn’t help it. “It’s okay, my boy,” Cid said. “Regulations can be adjusted in times of dire need.”Could he shrivel up and die now?“I know it’s not an easy position you’re in, Squall,” Cid said, completely straight-faced. “As Rinoa’s knight, I mean. I want to make sure you’re putting her first, before Garden, even. She needs you, Squall. As a steady figure in her life. I–” Cid faltered, “I wish I could say it’s going to be an easy job, but it’s not. You’ll be great at it, no doubt. But it will take some adjusting.”
*
With the ice now broken, Squall found himself agreeing to a daily morning brief at Cid’s office at nine hundred hours. Cid always allowed Squall to dictate the conversation, which was overwhelming at first. Squall still didn’t feel suited to making the big decisions that Cid seemed to be handing over: What should SeeD be doing now? How should they consider using the GFs? A few times, Cid tried to nudge Squall into discussing Rinoa’s potential possession issues, but Squall refused it outright. But even when they started small, staying on neutral topics, their conversations often turned into Squall yelling about a lifetime of abuse and lies, his anger flaring unexpectedly at times.Cid, for his part, let the yelling happen. And when Squall finally cooled down enough to have reasonable discussion, it turned into what felt more like a hostage negotiation. Though who was the hostage, Squall wasn’t sure.
*
Days later, Squall arrived for the usual morning conference, but Cid ushered him to the meeting room down the hall. Irvine, Quistis, and Zell were already seated at the large polished wooden table. “‘Sup, Squall?!” Zell greeted. He had an irritated feeling that he knew why they were all there, but he asked anyway. “What’s going on?” “Cid asked us to come have a little chat about our favorite sorceress,” Irvine said. Squall sighed resignedly. He should have seen this coming. At least his so-called “friends” had the grace to look uncomfortable about it. He also silently praised their stealth. They had all been at breakfast together moments ago with Rinoa and Selphie, and somehow they managed to sneak up here with no indication that this meeting was happening. They were skilled, even if they were back-stabbers.“I take it Selphie’s distracting Rinoa?” Squall asked unhappily.“Please sit, Squall.” Cid gestured as he took his place at the head of the table.Feeling cornered, Squall sat and looked hard at everyone at the table. “I just want it on the record that I do not approve of this conversation and I’m not going to participate. It’s wrong to discuss Rinoa without her consent.”“Is it?” Quistis asked. Squall shot her a look of murder, but Quistis stared steadily back, blue eyes fierce. “We’ve all individually discussed this with Cid and that’s why we’re here,” Quistis continued. “If you think it has anything to do with our feelings about Rinoa, and that we’re doing this to spite her, or you, then you should reevaluate our friendship.”“Yeah, man,” Zell added. “We don’t want to do this behind Rinoa’s back, either. It’s just something that has to get done.”“But why?!” Squall said, his temperature rising. “Someone explain this to me. She deserves to know!”“Listen, I know it sucks,” Irvine said calmly, “but we’ve all come here because we want to protect Rinoa. Let’s discuss it. Let’s get into the nitty gritty and figure out how to best do that. And then, if we discover that Rinoa needs to be involved in the conversation, then we’ll get her involved. Easy as that.”Squall shook his head. “Fine. Talk about her. Do whatever you want. I’m not part of this.”Cid pressed forward into the table and Squall wondered what act of insubordination would finally get Cid to kick him out. “Well,” Cid began, as if the tense words didn’t hang in the air, “thank you all for coming today. As Irvine said, we need to discuss and come up with a plan in case of the unfortunate, though unlikely, scenario that Rinoa becomes possessed by Ultimecia again. Edea has asked that we work quickly, as Rinoa’s powers are unprecedented, and it’s unclear what Ultimecia would be able to do if given free reign of them.”Squall shifted in his chair. A certain weight had settled in the room, dispersing the angry tension and filling the space with tangible anxiety. They knew exactly how far Ultimecia could go. Irvine piped up again. “So, from what I understand, we have to make sure what happened to Matron doesn’t happen to Rinoa. Matron was just minding her business, running the White SeeD ship, when boom – one day she gets possessed and slips off into the night to overthrow the president of Galbadia.”“Yes,” Cid said, and Squall sensed the gratefulness of having someone on his side. “Edea knew the security of that ship inside and out. She had been the one to design it. And because of that, Ultimecia could easily figure out how she could get out undetected.”Squall sunk even further back into his chair. Cid had never really approached the conversation this way. Or maybe he had…and Squall had simply not allowed himself to see the true potential of Rinoa’s powers until now. His Rinoa…his angel…used by an evil force to cause unknowable destruction…He had already seen it happen once. He didn’t want to see it again.“But, like, we’ve already got CCTV on all the exits,” Zell said. “And the security people all know they have to tell you if Rinoa leaves, right?”Cid opened his mouth to confirm, but Squall cut him off. “That should be enough. If she blasts a hole through the roof to escape then we’ll know shit’s hit the fan.”“Well,” Irvine said, eyebrows raised questioningly, “maybe Ultimecia could be stealthier than that. Maybe she could even figure out how to trick you into escorting her outside of Garden.”“She’s likely powerful enough to brainwash the entire Garden population,” Quistis added. A hot flash of anger shot through Squall’s chest and he clenched his fists. He didn’t know if Irvine and Quistis were right. He didn’t know anything. Would he be able to tell if there was something wrong with Rinoa?“And when you think about it that way,” Quistis continued, “it begs the question: should we feed her false information? While she’s lucid?”“Quistis,” Squall said in warning.“Squall,” Quistis said, cocking her head and glaring at him again. “You have to take this seriously. Get it out of your head that we are trying to cause Rinoa harm. Get your act together.”Squall huffed and looked away, anger now tinged with embarrassment. Deep down, he knew she was right. He sat there silently for several minutes while the rest of the group went through various ridiculous options, everything from heavy tranquilizers to asking Dr. Odine to make a net with anti-magic powers, like a gigantic Odine Bangle they could toss over Rinoa’s head. Squall took it in while his mind turned. There had to be a better way. As SeeD, they had so many resources at their disposal. There must be something that already existed to protect Rinoa, and not just a measure of trapping her.SeeD mainly operated as a mercenary force. Violence was their specialty. They didn’t do much else.But…there was another branch of SeeD…the SeeDs on the ship with Edea and Ellone. They were different. They served a different purpose…The dots were connecting in his head. He could make it make sense.“White SeeD,” he said quietly.Everyone looked at him. “What do you mean?” Cid asked politely.Squall sat up straighter, trying to articulate his thoughts. They would think he was crazy. But he had to do it. He had to try.“Ultimecia…all the dead SeeDs we saw in time compression…they were all White SeeDs…”Everyone looked at him expectantly. Squall continued. “White SeeDs are protectors, right?”Cid furrowed his brow and frowned. “Well, technically, yes. But they are SeeDs, just like you. They were designed with the purpose of protecting Ellone from being captured, and then Edea, as well. But they undergo a very similar military training.”Squall’s heart rate picked up. He knew he had the power to change the future, right here, within his grasp, as well as a built-in way to protect Rinoa. It was now or never.“We should have a force of White SeeDs, here at Garden. They can be Rinoa’s protectors. We can train them to recognize her normal behaviors and alert us if something is off. They can still train to the same standard, but…but they would be protectors only. They can take over as protectors for whatever sorceress eventually inherits Rinoa’s powers. That’s all they would do. They would protect sorceresses. So that the sorceresses don’t have to be scared. It would be…the opposite of whatever SeeD is.” Squall was breathing hard as everyone in the room listened. If they didn’t like what he had to say…well, he was going to say it anyway. He knew he was speaking as if he saw himself at Garden for the indefinite future, and even though that wasn’t something he was convinced of, he couldn’t stop himself. And besides, it was a way of fixing what he had done. He had created Garden in the first place. He could fix his mistake. Put this doomed place to good use. “We can’t fulfill the future that we saw,” Squall continued, injecting confidence in his voice. “We can’t willingly lead SeeD down that road. Ultimecia knew that SeeD was coming for her. She talked about how sorceresses had been hunted by SeeD for generations. We can change that! We saw the fields of dead White SeeD, you guys have to understand what I’m saying –”“Squall,” Cid said, and there was a defeated note in his voice that tried to puncture Squall’s enthusiasm. “I know exactly what you’re saying. And I can’t believe, after everything we’ve discussed, that I have to say this: You cannot change the future. It will happen no matter what you do.”“But that’s not true!” Squall yelled, pounding his fist on the table. “You forced that future to come true! As soon as I picked up that gunblade you forced me into that fate! You made me the exact person I needed to be in order to deliver that message to Matron! You didn’t have to do that! You could have stopped it!”Cid was looking directly at Squall as if it were the first time he was seeing him. “Do you really believe that?”“Yes!” Squall yelled, his voice cracking. “And it's worth trying, even if you're right and we can't stop it from happening. We have to try!”Cid turned his head and closed his eyes. This was it. He was finally going to dismiss Squall. Panic settled in lightly over Squall’s chest as everyone looked around at each other, Cid lost in thought.The silence stretched on. Squall and Rinoa were going to have to find somewhere to live. The Trabian mountains really appealed to Squall, but Rinoa would probably say it was too cold there–“Okay.”“What?” Squall asked stupidly. “Okay,” Cid repeated. “White SeeD will officially function to protect sorceresses. Since Rinoa is likely the only sorceress alive at the moment, it might work that we can create a legacy program. We could dictate where her powers are given upon her d–” Cid hesitated, and changed his words, “when she has to pass them on. Regular SeeD will no longer serve to fight sorceresses in any capacity.”Squall was amazed. He took a shallow breath and stared warily at Cid. “Well, if you think about it,” Zell piped up, “SeeD wasn't around when Laguna figured out how to trap Adel. It's not like SeeD is required to defeat sorceresses. Laguna and his buddies were just normal soldiers. Nothing special.”Squall looked at Zell, grateful more than ever for his support. “I think that's very important, Squall,” Quistis said, “that we try to change the trajectory. There were so many dead SeeDs on that beach…it didn't matter that they had the elite training of Garden. They weren't ready for Ultimecia, anyway. We can find an alternative.”“Yeah,” Irvine said, nodding slowly. “We can be Rinoa’s White SeeD. We know her already. She’s like, one of the nicest people out there. We would know if something is up with her. And yeah, we can make it better for whoever gets her powers next.”Squall nodded. “Yes. And…and in the case of possession, I think it would be smart to shut her body down with a tranquilizer,” he admitted, refusing to make eye contact with Cid, the unwieldy weight of his hypocrisy making the words heavy. “That’s essentially what happened at the Lunar Base. Rinoa’s body was not in its normal state, I guess because she had just inherited sorceress powers. So when Ultimecia possessed her then, Rinoa was just a rag doll. Ultimecia wouldn’t be able to convince anyone of anything if Rinoa was like that. It’s not like I could stop her then, but I think it’s the best thing we’ve got now. Unless we can think of something better.”“So, what do we do?” Zell asked.For the next few hours, the group discussed the new protocol. Squall wasn’t happy about it, but he felt confident that they were doing their best to protect Rinoa. That was all that mattered in the end.And thus, Code White was formed. Quistis later briefed Selphie, who jumped at the chance to be considered one of Rinoa’s secret protectors. A small part of Squall still felt sick at having to keep Rinoa in the dark about it. For weeks, every time he looked at her, every time he held her, he would imagine whispering “I’m sorry,” into her ear, until eventually the guilt became part of him, woven into every aspect of his life. He was simply doing his best to protect his sorceress.
*
Rinoa was leaning into Squall more and more. He found himself leaning right back, grateful for every touch, every night in which he could escape the tense discussions of enacting Code White, escape the guilt as much as he could.It was helpful that he could be there for her. To be the sturdy presence he knew she needed. At least he was doing that much correctly.But her constant closeness was wearing down his skilled defenses. For the first time, he imagined what they could have, alone together in his bed. His mind quickly went to places his body was too nervous to initiate. Squall had never envisioned himself wanting someone this much. It was an intense feedback loop: she’d kiss him, and he’d kiss her back, and she’d kiss harder, and he’d kiss harder, until he felt like a tightly wound coil.It wasn’t lost on him how intense his passion was for her. He had gone from a cold, heartless shell of a person, never even indulging in the fantasy of having a woman in his bed, to this…this soft, pliable, lovesick fool who would kiss the ground Rinoa walked on.One night it finally happened: years of intense self-control finally shattered, like a muscle that had been stretched past the breaking point, and his body betrayed him, crossing the line from intense kissing to…something else entirely. He felt too hot that night as he kissed her in bed, and every touch from her was like a jolt of energy spurring him on, stirring the twinge deep in his gut. Before he knew it he was on top of her, his brain apparently completely offline. The sound she made in shock turned his brain back on. Fuck. He had overstepped a boundary. More than that – he had trampled it. He rolled off of her immediately, cursing himself, willing his stupid body to calm down. “I’m sorry,” he said, “I’m so sorry, that was so stupid…”But she immediately curled up beside him, her arm coming up around him. “No, I’m sorry, Squall,” she said, “I didn’t mean to make that noise, I was just…surprised.”His body ached stupidly, her touch not helping the situation. “I’m an idiot,” he said, still beneath his hands. “I don’t know what I’m doing…”“It’s okay.” She rubbed his arm, fueling the fire that he was so desperately trying to put out. “I’m not mad. Really. I just wasn’t quite ready for that.”That was it. He had done it. He had fucked up. “I don’t want to do anything you don’t want to do…I just got a little…carried away…”“I promise it’s okay,” Rinoa said. She paused and he considered how to tell her he needed to cool down. It was all so stupid and embarrassing.But she continued. “I’m not exactly ready for – you know…But maybe we can do some other stuff? I can use my hands, if you like.”Oh, Hyne. That was unexpected.He looked over his shoulder at her. A red flush had crept onto Rinoa’s cheeks, making his stomach lurch with desire. Not trusting himself to speak, he nodded, more excited and anxious than he’d felt in a long time.She took an agonizingly slow breath and moved her hand down his thigh, making his breath catch. Slowing her movements even more, she graced her hand over the tent in his pants, then grabbed him, making stars pop out in front of his eyes.Hands. That was the line. Hands were okay. He could do hands.“Can I touch you, too?” he asked hoarsely.“Oh,” she said, again surprised. “Sure.”He breathed and shifted himself, willing to be as slow and methodical as she had been. He inched his way down her stomach, over the waistband of her sweats, down between her legs.There was no thinking anymore, only touch. It was miraculously wonderful to let it happen…to let his brain stop ruminating and allow himself to just feel.When he started stroking her over the fabric, her body stilled, her hand still atop him no longer moving. Her eyes had closed and her breathing had gone as ragged as his must have been. The onslaught of so many incredible things was making his head spin. He watched her, completely entranced, as her eyes flew open. Something about the look on Rinoa’s face made Squall’s mouth go dry. She wasn’t smiling anymore, but her eyes were big and she looked mesmerized. She grabbed at him with new energy and he felt his eyes roll back as they continued to stroke each other.The noises that came out of her mouth were something otherworldly, but he did not escalate anything. She would have to lead the way. Rinoa abruptly slid her hand up towards his stomach, momentarily confusing Squall until she hooked her fingers under his waistband, then continued her hand downwards into his boxers. All bets were off when she took hold of him with her bare hand. Hands were good.Hands were fantastic.She had done it again: she’d found a new way to open him up, wear him down, until he was laid bare for her. He remembered how to breathe, and kissed her with every fiber of his being.
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
Squall forced himself to Cid’s office and dropped heavily into the leather chair in front of the desk, as he had been doing every morning for the past few weeks.
“We’ve had another letter from President Loire,” Cid said by way of greeting Squall, tossing the letter onto his large desk. “I asked him to give us a week to recover from the time compression mission but of course it’s been well over a week. He’s been pestering me daily.” Cid chuckled lightly, as if being pestered by Laguna was funny. “I presume all of that downtime was too much for him, so he came up with a bit of a…project to add to our to-do list. A rather large project. He wants to hold an international peace summit.”
Squall sighed and rubbed his eyes. “Please don’t tell me –”
“He’s asked SeeD to help run it,” Cid interrupted, guessing Squall’s thoughts. “He wants to have a peace treaty written up and ready for discussion with all the major world leaders. It’s a good idea, really, this summit,” Cid added with his own heavy sigh. “It’s just a shame that we have to add it to our plate right now. But I think it’s an important thing to take part in. I think it was a wise move for Loire to contact us about it.”
It wouldn’t be productive to bring up the fact that Squall was still deliberating if he even wanted to stay at Garden long-term, let alone help with a gigantic project like hosting an international summit. He simply remained quiet and waited for Cid to speak again. It wasn’t a long wait.
“Oh, and an interesting little thing,” Cid said. “Loire added a postscript down here, saying he’d be interested in talking with you.”
“Me?” Squall said. “What’s he want with me?”
Cid shrugged. “Probably admires you for your leadership in the time compression mission. Maybe he wants to offer you a job in the Esthar government.”
Squall scoffed. He would never work for that man.
Cid chuckled. “Well, we won’t see him until this supposed summit, so you can wait and turn him down then.” Cid paced behind his desk. “Actually, this summit will probably help us in deciding what to do about most of the other things we have been planning to discuss: Trabia, Timber, Galbadia, and even Seifer’s punishment. We can also get some kind of plan for building international communication infrastructure. Oh, and he mentioned Rinoa, of course.”
Squall sat up straighter. "He did?"
"Very briefly," Cid said. Squall must have appeared tense because Cid took a breath and put up his palm in a gesture of peace. Squall hated when he did that. "He seems to be on the same page as us. He says,” Cid held up the paper and read from it, ”'Rinoa needs anonymity and protection, not any more worry to add to her life.'"
Well, that was a relief.
Cid sat down and peered at Squall over his glasses. Squall sighed. He could feel Cid's change in demeanor as if it were a change in air pressure.
"Now, Squall–"
Yep.
"I know we've had a lot of – personal grievances – to air. Do you have anything more you'd like to discuss before we start digging into this summit proposal?"
Squall shifted in his chair. His "personal grievances" were not very complicated: stop turning kids into mercenaries with zero internal direction and figure out how to use GFs safely.
"As you've requested, I've put all new SeeD missions and all graduation requirements on hold. And the use of Guardian Forces has been suspended until further studies have been completed."
Squall nodded, still silent.
"I want to make sure you feel like we've cleared the air regarding everything that happened with you and Edea while you were lost in time compression. And everything regarding Rinoa wearing the Bangle and having her White SeeD guard."
Squall considered this, trying to think if there was anything else he needed to yell about.
But there wasn't anything. It wasn’t like everything was solved. On the contrary, it was more like a hornet’s nest of problems had been uncovered. There was so much work to do.
There was something to be said, though, about how the path was starting to uncover itself. It was almost as if Squall could reach out and grab whatever future he wanted, if he could only make the decision of which way to go.
"Squall," Cid began, leaning forward looking Squall in the eye, "I want you to know:
you
are what defines Garden and SeeD. That was why I felt safe making you commander. That's why I sit here everyday trying to make sure you feel heard and understood. But now is the time that I ask you to fully step into that role. I want you to have a permanent position as co-leader of Garden, up here with me, and eventually take over as headmaster when I retire. "
Squall was very still as he let the words sink in. He took a deep breath and stared out the window to the white-tipped mountains in the distance, letting the thought mull itself over in his head.
Co-leader of Garden? Headmaster one day? After all of the angry conversations with Cid, Squall never thought it would lead to this. It was a lot.
It wasn’t like he had figured out some grand plan of what to do with his life. He still sometimes had fantasies of burning the entire gigantic Garden structure to the ground, of living in a log cabin in the Trabia mountains, or finding a little apartment in Timber, Rinoa leading the way.
At the same time, he liked to consider what it would be like to be a "peaceful" SeeD, if such a thing could exist, working in perpetuity to protect Rinoa.
But headmaster?
He had only just turned eighteen years old.
Of course, Cid was not
that
old; surely he wouldn't be set to retire for several years, at least.
But still.
"I know it's a lot," Cid said, relaxing back into his chair. "But it's something to think about. I never, ever wanted Garden to be what it is. And you, Squall, are the only person I can see changing it."
Cid allowed him the grace of a few moments of silence.
After all of the difficult conversations, it really boiled down to this: Cid had complete trust in Squall.
Squall let his eyes wander back to Cid. Cid was wearing an unusual expression.
Or maybe…maybe he had looked at Squall like this before…
There was vulnerability there. Worry. Hope?
Maybe…
Cid was looking at him as if Squall was his son.
Squall swallowed. He didn’t know how to take it in.
After so many years of blindly obeying the man, then dealing with the fallout of his mistakes, Squall was being offered what felt like the whole world. From the closest thing he had to a parent.
The silence stretched on awkwardly until Cid broke it with a clearing of his throat and a random shuffling of papers on his desk. “So,” he said, “back to business. I figured we should get started with defining our stances on these topics for the summit. One of the first topics I think we need to discuss is that of Seifer.”
The sensitive aura in the room prevented Squall from outwardly scoffing. His expression must have been clear enough on his face, though, because Cid made an afflicted sigh.
“I know, I know,” Cid said. “There’s a lot to dissect here. But the fact remains: Seifer is one of our own, and he deserves to be treated fairly, if anything. Edea has some insight on this…”
Cid took another deep sigh and launched into his thoughts, but Squall didn’t take any of it in. The air had shifted in the room yet again.
Something felt off in his body, like gravity had been turned up, making his limbs too heavy. Something was very wrong.
Quickly he realized the familiarity of what was happening. He couldn’t breathe, couldn’t figure out how to stop it. The corners of his vision were growing dim…The faint ringing began in his ears. His heart pounded in his chest.
The more Cid droned on the more Squall’s breath became shallow and uneven, like he couldn’t get the right amount of air in.
Before he could stop it, the walls of Cid’s office were gone, and Squall was tied up to the wall in D-District Prison, the dank smell of the dungeon-like room, the pain in his head, Seifer’s mean eyes piercing him, the stupid smirk on his face as he ordered the electric shocks to be sent through Squall's body…and Squall could feel them again, and the panic and the pain and the powerlessness all mixed together with the confusion of
why
!? Why was Seifer doing this? What had gone wrong?
Cid was suddenly at his shoulder. “Squall!”
Squall took a great gasp for air and felt himself pulled down from the wall and zoomed, as if through time and space, to Cid’s office once more.
“Are you okay?” Cid’s voice was only just cutting through the ringing, through the buzz of the electroshocks that still echoed in his ears.
He had broken out in a cold sweat. He tried desperately to get his body and brain back under his control, but his heart was pounding too frantically.
Get a grip!
“I’m-I’m…”
He didn’t know what he was trying to say. He forced himself to look up at Cid. He wasn’t in D-District Prison. He was in Cid’s office. Cid’s stupid office with the huge desk and the windows and…the mountains. He looked at the mountains and they brought him back. He forced a deep breath.
Hot embarrassment flooded him. These visions…whatever this was…was getting out of control. If Cid knew, if Rinoa knew…he couldn’t take it.
What the fuck was wrong with him?
For a moment he considered how similar it felt to being sent in the past by Ellone, but it was decidedly not the same thing. No…this had been like a dream…like the dreams he had of time compression, where it seemed like he was really there, and he’d wake up, and hold Rinoa, and slowly his body would calm down.
He wanted Rinoa now.
“Squall, I think we need to get you to Kadowaki–”
“No, no,” Squall insisted, clenching his fists to the chair. “I’m fine. I’m good. What were you saying?”
Cid looked warily at him. “Squall, you’re shaking, I think you’ve had some sort of episode–”
“I’m fine!” Squall shouted, and at once he knew it was unbelievable. He forced a deep breath. “I’m really okay,” he said. “I just…I just needed a little fresh air.”
“Go,” Cid said immediately. “Go get some fresh air and come back in one hour. If this happens again I’m sending you to Kadowaki.”
Squall wanted to argue, but couldn’t find the energy. He just wanted Rinoa’s arms around him. Without argument, he went searching for her.
*
As expected, finding Rinoa had cooled him down from the episode in Cid’s office, and several days passed without incident.
He’d had three of these flashback episodes. Three meant it wasn’t just a fluke, but a concern.
He could get a grip on them now: the symptoms were recognizable as they came on. He had the training to be ready for them if they came again, and he could handle them.
It couldn’t get out that this was happening. He couldn’t imagine the implications if there was any question that he wasn’t of sound mind. He could get a grip on himself. He had to.
And he had a much larger responsibility: he was Rinoa’s knight. He was the commander of her White Guard. He couldn’t entrust that to anyone else.
Regardless, Squall didn’t have much time to stew on it. Cid had created an absurdly long to-do list to prepare for the summit, and they had gotten stuck on several items. With any luck, he wouldn’t have any more of these off-putting episodes and he could finally get on with his fucking life.
So he was back in the headmaster’s office, rubbing his temples to stave off the migraine.
He was getting sick of these same four walls, of the leather chair and the light pouring in from the large windows. Squall still didn’t feel capable of talking about Seifer – which in itself was embarrassing, but he didn’t have the bandwidth to deal with it. He had no time these days to think about anything.
But there was one other big topic that they couldn’t seem to move past. Truthfully, they could barely bring it up without Squall reverting to unbridled anger.
“We can’t put it off anymore, Squall. We need to give Loire a decision on Rinoa.”
Squall grit his teeth. “What exactly does he need to know?”
“Well, he’s been rather insistent that Rinoa is made safe and secure. He hasn’t been unkind,” Cid said reassuringly, “simply concerned. He has provided some reasonable options for everyone’s safety, and I think it would be a sign of good will if we choose one of these for Rinoa.”
“What options?” Squall asked, barely holding back his anger. “The last option she had was to live in the Sorceress Memorial. That’s not an option. And what the hell – she can choose for herself.
And
we’ve got the White Guard. That should be enough.”
Cid gave him an understanding smile. “My dear boy, I know you have very strong feelings for her. Trust me, I’ve been there. That’s why I want to go over this with you. We can take our time.”
Squall sighed and tried to listen objectively. It was hard when he just wanted to punch something.
Cid continued. “The good news is that he believes she is not a threat. I guess he has managed to keep it all hushed up in Esthar, too, so she’s still an unknown, unnamed sorceress.”
“That’s good,” Squall said, relieved for once that something was going their way.
“I agree. And Loire knows that we at Garden have the capabilities of truly protecting her. One option he has presented is having SeeD act as her guardians. He doesn’t know that we have already taken on that task. His view is that it is a long-term mission for SeeD, which he is willing to fund with public money. It would be a permanent mission: she would wear the Bangle and stay here, living as a resident of Garden.”
“So she’d be a prisoner here?” Squall snarled.
Cid looked down. “No, Squall. She could live however she wishes. She would have you.”
Well, that’s required
, he thought. “What other option did Laguna give?”
“He also gave the idea that she could live in Esthar. They ask that she help Odine in the study of her powers. It was implied that she would live at Odine’s laboratory temporarily so she could be monitored.”
“They
do
want to keep her imprisoned, then,” he said.
“Really, Squall, I don’t think that’s what Loire is trying to do. I think he’s trying to make the best of a very tricky situation. You could obviously be positioned in Esthar with her if you wished.”
“But why do we have to do what he says?” Squall asked indignantly. “And what if she doesn’t want to do that stuff, anyway? She’s a person, too, you know.”
He knew he sounded like a sulky child, and he didn’t care. It was time to put his foot down. He needed Cid to understand that things were different now. Blindly following orders was a thing of the past.
“She must make a decision, Squall. You are the only one I trust to aid her in that. As her knight you provide fundamental support for her. She will need you to be on her side, so think about how you are going to broach the subject. If you or Rinoa have an alternative then I’m sure we can make it work. You know Loire has a soft spot for you both.”
Squall looked away, angry. Of course he knew Laguna liked him and Rinoa. It was an annoying constant in his life, like a fly that wouldn’t stop buzzing in his ear.
On top of it, Cid didn’t understand Rinoa. Rinoa, the light of Squall’s life, who he loved more than he could have ever imagined, was one of the most stubborn people on this earth. Talking to her about this was about as simple as diffusing a bomb.
Even the simple act of bringing up her powers was likely to spark an argument, or at very least, send her into a spiral of fear.
They had had a terrible night last week, in which she had woken him up with her sobbing about her powers and being possessed. She had been completely inconsolable. It was enough to make him vow to never bring it up unless she initiated the conversation. She was so much happier with the Odine Bangle on, pretending like she didn’t have the weight of her power locked inside of her.
He hated that he was going to have to stir all that up again. He just wanted her to be happy.
And besides, Squall still wasn’t satisfied with the choices. Despite cooperating with Cid these past few weeks, a huge part of him would still much rather fuck the system and let Rinoa live at large, without having to answer to anyone. Why did everyone have to care about her so much? She was still Rinoa. She was never going to hurt anyone. He knew this with such conviction that it seemed absurd to have to argue otherwise.
Cid leaned back into his chair while Squall snarled at him. But Cid’s face was steady, and he nodded understandingly.
“Edea was never as headstrong as Rinoa,” Cid said after a moment.
Squall looked up at him. Cid didn’t talk about Edea much, and Squall couldn’t help but be intrigued. Edea only ever participated in their talks sparingly; she often had to go off and work with the White SeeD ship, and otherwise she seemed to understand that Squall needed to work things out one-on-one with Cid.
“Edea is usually more on the self-sacrificing side, which is also tricky,” Cid continued. “She would give you anything you ever needed, even if it killed her. Hyne, it was hard getting Garden started with her back then. She knew what needed to happen but she was so resistant…” He paused, nostalgic. Squall stared at him. “But I loved her so much, I would do whatever she wanted. You know, we were seventeen when we met? Like you and Rinoa?”
It was difficult to imagine Cid as a seventeen-year-old, but suddenly he had a vision of Cid and Edea kissing passionately, the way that he and Rinoa did. Were they all over each other the way he and Rinoa were? Did they sleep in the same bed every night? He was strangely fascinated with the concept.
Cid continued. “All of this is to say, I know what it’s like, loving a woman so much it hurts. And I know I’ve put too much on your shoulders. That, with the responsibility you have as her knight…I want to take some of that weight off. I feel that my head can be clear now that the woman I love is no longer in danger. We’ve had a bit of a switch, haven’t we?” Cid chuckled. “I know I’ve been pressing you to help Rinoa make a decision, but let’s talk about what
you
want for a minute.”
Squall remained silent.
What did
he
want?
Well, that was still very much up in the air.
He had this future here, as the leader of SeeD, and SeeD was already changing because of him. Because of Rinoa.
Part of him could see some vague future with Rinoa by his side, the two of them leading the revolution she always dreamed of – of creating a new SeeD that would allow people to live free and happy lives, whatever that meant.
But at the same time, what if Rinoa didn’t want that? Squall wanted to follow her across the world, letting the wind dictate whatever direction they headed in, and he’d simply hold her hand as she danced across the sky. He wanted her to have whatever she wanted, though he had no idea what that was.
*
After all of the planning with Cid, Squall still didn’t know how to bring up this difficult discussion with Rinoa. He would just have to bite the bullet and do it.
“We have to talk,” Squall said as he and Rinoa entered his room after dinner.
Rinoa sat on the bed, looking up at him with her beautiful brown eyes. She was sitting particularly still, her back very straight, which put him on edge. He stood in front of her, feeling awkward.
“About what?” she asked calmly, readjusting the Bangle on her wrist.
Squall took a deep breath. He knew she hated this topic, but it was really now or never. “We have to decide what you want to do – about your powers.”
Rinoa frowned, a fierceness flashing in her eyes, as he had expected. “What do you mean? I’m happy wearing the Bangle. It would be great if it was a little bit smaller, but I’m not complaining. Is there a problem with that?”
“No.” He pinched the bridge of his nose on either side of his scar, trying hard to formulate the words without digging himself into a hole. “No, I just want to know what
you
want. Do you want to wear that Bangle forever? Do you want to try taking it off? Do you want to stay here at Garden?”
She threw her hands up, as if at a loss, and the motion confirmed his fears. She hated talking about this. “I don’t know, Squall,” she said after a moment. “Am I…allowed to stay here?”
Shit, this conversation was already going down the toilet. “Yes, that’s not–” He sighed. “I’m just trying to get an idea about…your plans…for the future.”
Her brows pulled together, confused. “What do you mean, ‘my plans’? I want to stay with you, Squall. I thought that was obvious.”
Okay, that was nice that she wanted that. But she seemed to be missing the point.
How could he articulate the weight of this question?
Maybe the seriousness of being included in the treaty would make her think carefully about it, and put the blame on Laguna for forcing her to make a decision. “Laguna was hoping we could put you in the treaty,” he finally said.
“Oh, shit,” she said quickly. “Are people talking about me? Do they know who I am?“
“No,” he said. “He’s hoping to keep it quiet, to keep you anonymous. But he’s talking about how the people of Esthar especially need to know that, um…”
“What do they need to know, Squall?”
He didn’t want to say what he said next, but he knew it would spark a reaction. “They need to know that they are safe from you.”
It didn’t spark the reaction he had anticipated. Squall thought she would stamp her feet, indignant at being treated like some terrifying criminal, finally forced to make the choice to run away and get out of this fucked up system. Instead she only nodded slowly, as if she expected this all along.
“Okay,” she said steadily. “Tell them I’ll wear the Bangle. Tell them I’ll be here, in Balamb, peacefully working with SeeD.”
So she wanted to stay? They were going to stay in Garden? Was it that easy? “So, that’s what you want?” he asked. “You want to stay?”
“Oh, Squall,” she said, standing up and sliding her arms around him. “Of course I want to stay.”
He nodded, accepting. They were sticking with Garden. He was going to be headmaster of Garden one day, Rinoa beside him, and he’d fix the mistake he’d made by creating it in the first place. It felt settling.
“Okay,” he said softly.
She kissed his temple and leaned into him. “I want to stay with you, Squall,” she said again, this time right into his ear, making the hair on his neck stand up.
“Okay,” he choked.
“Do you want me to stay?” she whispered, still in his ear.
It sent him over the edge. The whole day had been overwhelmingly stressful, and her tempting voice was an invitation for release. He thought he might dissolve under her touch. “Yes,” he breathed.
Rinoa leaned in and kissed him in a slow, tantalizing kiss.
Did she know how much he was wrapped around her finger? Especially when she did things like this?
She led him backwards to the bed and he couldn’t stop kissing her, wanting to kiss every inch of her body…
She allowed herself to fall backwards onto the bed. He climbed beside her, his body begging to press against her, but he knew better. Hands. Hands were the rule.
Squall slid one hand slowly up the side of her leg, gripping her backside.
This was all he needed.
His heart was already pounding just at the look on her face: the way her brows turned down in concentration, the way she bit her lip in that sexy way.
As his hand traveled between her legs, Rinoa let out a sound that sent a shot through him, a sound of such pleasure that he wanted to hear again and again and again.
She breathed hard into his neck as he stroked her, and with confidence she grabbed the bulge in his pants and began palming it.
Squall didn’t trust himself to make a sound. Anything that came out of his mouth would surely be so embarrassingly loud and grunt-like that he couldn’t stand the thought. To counter the desire to let out such stupid noises, he clenched his teeth and tried not to press his body into hers too roughly.
“Squall?” she whispered.
He stopped his hand.
“Do you want me to go down on you?”
If he had thought all the blood had gone south already, he was wrong.
Out of the same fear of only being able to make grunting noises, he kept his mouth firmly shut, and instead simply nodded.
She smiled, a light in her eyes that made him nervous and thrilled at the same time. As much as he wanted this, it occurred to him just how exposed he was about to be. It felt like a moment much bigger than he had ever anticipated before.
“Lie back,” she said, her coy smile sending terrified shockwaves through him. She piled her hair up into a ponytail, suddenly businesslike.
She unbuckled his belt and carefully unbuttoned and unzipped his pants, each movement making him more and more tense with apprehension, like she was about to perform some sort of operation.
“Squall,” she said in a gentle sing-song voice, “relax. It’s going to be so lovely.”
Surprisingly, her guidance
did
help him relax. Fuck, what did he do to deserve her?
She gently reached her hand in and stroked him some more, and his head fell back into the pillow, enjoying the sensation. After a moment she tried sliding his pants and underwear down so she could get to the main event, and he tremblingly assisted her.
He couldn’t be embarrassed, because very quickly Rinoa lowered her head over the top of him, the warm exhale of her breath sending a shockwave of ecstasy through his entire body.
Hyne, his angel, and she would do this just to make him feel good…
He blinked slowly, feeling drugged, watching her go up and down. He could lay here like this all night.
Of course, Squall had thought about this a lot recently. He couldn’t help but let the scenarios escalate to this in his mind. It often escalated to other things, too.
Was it strange, though, that he never thought about it before then? When he first realized he loved her, he never had fantasies like this. Even before Rinoa, he had never allowed himself the indulgence of imagining something like this at all. Hell, even when Zone had given him that dirty magazine he’d had no desire to look at it.
Was that true, though? Or was he simply denying himself yet again – preventing the inevitable heartbreak of getting close to someone? He wasn’t made for this kind of love, or any love at all. He was made to be cut off from the world – stunted and alone.
Rinoa did something with her hand and it sent a shudder through him, yanking his thoughts to the present moment. Trust his stupid brain to get caught up in overthinking. With a little shake of his head, and several hard blinks, he refocused on the sensations happening below and thought again that it was by far the most pleasurable thing he had ever experienced.
How could he have denied himself this life?
Of course, it took Rinoa to get him here. No one else could have done this. He was convinced, with absolute certainty, of that fact.
How in the hell was he so lucky?
She looked so incredibly sexy in that moment: cheeks flushed, lazy smile, hooded eyes behind long dark lashes.
This, he realized, was part of that closeness. She had done it once again. She had cracked his hard shell and made him see things he never even knew he wanted.
Hyne, he loved her.
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
Squall awoke to the rude beep of his alarm clock. As usual, Rinoa remained completely undisturbed by the sound. He briefly wondered how she ever made it on time to anything.Today was the first day of the Nations Rebuild summit, and he had shit to do.But he couldn’t bring himself to move.Instead, his body was beyond satisfied in the cozy cocoon beneath the covers, Rinoa’s naked form still pressed to his.Most of his waking hours were spent in the trenches of work: restructuring Garden, overseeing GF research studies, keeping tabs on the new international communication infrastructure, dealing with politicians and ambassadors and Laguna Fucking Loire…And then, only when he could spare a brief moment, bliss with Rinoa. They had progressed faster than he could have ever imagined.It was wild. And wonderful.He only had enough time for a frantic rendezvous on lunch break every so often, or quick release before passing out late at night. The guilt weighed him down almost as much as the responsibility. He knew Rinoa was bored and restless and deserved so much more of his attention, but he simply did not have the time to give to her. She was undyingly patient with him. And she knew…she understood that so much of this work was for her protection, and hopefully her happiness. Besides that, Squall understood his own role in Garden now more than ever. It didn't matter if he had intended to create Garden – he was the one who did. He had been raised within its walls, he was a product of it. And he had the chance to fix it. But it all boiled down to the most important fact: Rinoa's safety was dependent upon it. Squall clenched his teeth. He really did need to get out of bed. He was acting like a fool, sitting here thinking that this bed was going to protect him from what he had to face today. It was time to grow the fuck up. Squall ripped the covers off. When Rinoa curled up helplessly he did his best to tuck her back in. He put on his formal SeeD uniform, kissed her forehead, and made his way to the cafeteria. He had agreed to meet Quistis in the faculty lounge before dawn to go over the last-minute things. She'd lose it if he missed out on this final debrief. Very few SeeDs and cadets were there grabbing pre-dawn breakfast. Squall vaguely remembered the days he used to be so disciplined with his training routine that he was regularly part of this tiny, dedicated crowd. They were likely heading to the Training Center after a high-protein breakfast. His muscles ached beneath his formal SeeD uniform as he thought about his gunblade, collecting dust in the corner of his dorm. He was dying to get a good training session in. Squall hadn’t grabbed any food this morning. He felt sick with nerves at being the poster-boy for this gigantic summit. To be fair, he wasn’t actually the poster-boy. Cid was clear on that front. But Laguna, on the other hand…Laguna’s view seemed to be that Squall should be the one running the whole show. A piercing pain ran down the center of Squall’s head. Fuck, Laguna was already giving him one hell of a headache. He rolled up a paper napkin, unrolled it, and folded it into the tiniest square possible, dreading seeing Laguna in person again. Laguna always singled him out, always nudged him in ways that made him uncomfortable. Once they had the international phones working, Laguna’s voice even changed when he was talking directly to Squall.The same apprehension came on again, a sort of gripping in his chest, making him feel like he couldn’t get a deep breath in. He didn’t want to see Laguna today.Quistis finally arrived, breaking Squall from his uncomfortable thoughts. She had a pinched look on her face, though she looked well put together with her formal SeeD outfit, clipboard, and paper coffee cup."Don't freak out," she said as she slid in the seat across from him. “What a great start to the day, Quistis,” he said.She pursed her lips together with a look that said it’s not my fault. "Laguna called me last night and said he wanted to make some informal remarks at the opening, in addition to what we all agreed on. He said he had some big, thoughtful things he wants to share before we get started on the official agenda. Something about ‘speaking from the heart’ and ‘clearing the air.’ I personally think he wants to butter everyone up before he announces how Seifer and Edea are getting away with zero punishment.”"Fuck my life," Squall said."Yeah, I know,” she agreed, then took a large sip of her coffee. “He said he wanted to encourage us all – everyone running this thing, that is – to have a chance to speak from the heart if we want to.”"Hyne,” Squall said. “What is wrong with him?”"I reminded him that SeeDs don't have hearts." Quistis gave him a shameless little smile. Squall was startled into amusement. “What did he say to that?”She shrugged and took another sip. “You know Laguna,” she said. “He argued that we were all really nice people, et cetera, et cetera.”Squall took a deep breath. “Well, I think it’s a dumb idea for him to ramble everyone to tears, but whatever. I’m not going to say anything. I guess Cid will want to open his big mouth, too?”Quistis shrugged. “I honestly don’t want to prolong these talks any longer than they’re already going to be, but yeah, Cid’s gonna want to speak.”“Alright. What other fires do we need to put out in the next–” he looked at his watch, “–eleven minutes?”Quistis frowned. “You look really tired,” she said. “You wanna try some coffee? It’ll help perk you up a little.”“No,” he said shortly. “I’m not getting hooked on that stuff like you.” “Suit yourself,” she said, taking yet another sip, and draining her cup. “Really, though, Squall,” she said, putting the cup down, “I just want to say, before this whole shit show gets going, thanks for being so cool about all this.” Squall was silent. It had finally been made clear why Quistis had been so awkward and annoying towards him all last year. She had only been seeking that connection – that same feeling that Squall got from Rinoa. He’d been such a jerk in return. And then, of course, he had fallen right into Rinoa’s arms.It must have all been so strange for Quistis, and he felt awkward and guilty for his behavior. But Quistis was easy to work with. She was smart, and fair, and clever. He was glad she was the one on this summit detail with him. Before the silence got any more awkward, he decided it was stupid to not simply tell her this. “Hey,” he said, looking right into her blue eyes, “it’s been really nice working with you.”She gave him another smile. He briefly wondered if it was too much for him to say something like that, even though he meant it in a friendly, non-romantic way, and hoped she wouldn’t interpret it otherwise.“Well,” she said, patting her clipboard anxiously, “you should go grab your girlfriend and get this party started.”
*
Rinoa was dragging her feet, eroding Squall’s patience away until it was gone.“We have to go now,” he said as she dragged a brush through her hair.“I was just thinking,” she said, pausing infuriatingly in her brushing, her eyes unfocused on a random point in the mirror, “what if Seifer showed up today?” The vice-grip in Squall’s chest tightened. This was now the second time he’d heard Seifer’s name this morning, and it pissed him off. That stupid idiot, Seifer Almasy, was the last person he wanted to think of right now. If he showed up amongst the crowd of people arriving today, Squall couldn’t be sure what he’d do. It would probably be violent.“Let’s go, Rinoa,” he said, clenching his fist to stop himself from pulling his hair out.“Okay, okay.” She sighed and put a long black veil over her head. “Ugh, I look so dumb.”“You don’t. Let’s go.”Rinoa complained the entire way up to the third floor, making Squall feel, for the first time in ages, that he really, really wanted to get away from her. But of course, getting away from her meant going straight to the summit, which was also a place he didn’t want to be. He gritted his teeth and concentrated on the pounding in his temples as they went up the elevator with Selphie, Zell, and Irvine."I might wage an escape," Rinoa said, far too flippantly. "I mean, I got you guys out of D-District prison, I could bust myself out of here." A familiar ringing filled his ears. His entire body tensed.No, this could not be happening right now. Of all days for this…he hadn’t had an episode like this in months…The panic was settling in his chest, making him feel paralyzed. If this was happening, if he was having some sort of attack that made him lose control…he couldn’t think of the implications of that. Was he going insane? A hand was on his shoulder. It was Irvine, a confused look on his face.“You okay?” he asked quietly.Squall blinked hard. No images. It was okay.“Yeah,” Squall breathed. But was it okay? He felt like he had just been on the cusp of being thrown into one of those bizarre episodes. Would he have collapsed here in the elevator if Irvine hadn’t noticed something was wrong? Or was Squall able to thwart it, whatever it was, from taking complete control? Irvine removed his hand but continued looking cautiously at Squall, but Squall felt anger flush into his veins. Whatever was going on with his stupid brain, it was extremely inconvenient to be happening right now. He couldn’t afford to lose control like that, and Rinoa was only provoking him further.And Rinoa! What was she playing at? She’d said she wanted to stay here! And now she was going on about how she should escape! That wasn’t fair. He was doing what she wanted. The only reason he was doing any of this was for her! Whatever. He didn't have the ability to handle that right now. They arrived at the third floor meeting room.Ellone appeared in the doorway, smiling. "Hello?" Her appearance momentarily distracted him from the frustration. He still knew so little about Ellone. All he knew was that she had wanted to stay in Esthar with Laguna after everything happened last summer. He guessed that was why she had come today; she was tagging along with her Uncle Laguna.He had had every intention of contacting her these past several months, but with everything going on he simply hadn’t had the time. Reflexively, he reached out and hugged her, surprising even himself. But he gave in. Maybe it was that little boy reaching out, crying on the steps again. He quickly banished the thought from his mind."Good to see you, Sis," he said gruffly. Ellone greeted everyone else in the room in turn. They were all trying to talk with her, and their chatter was wearing his nerves down.Squall knew the day was moving on without them."I take it Laguna's waiting for me downstairs?" he asked her. "He's very happy to finally see you in person," Ellone said, smiling.Squall shook his head. The avalanche from earlier threatened to collapse upon him, his mind feeling fuzzy and disconnected, but he beared down and didn’t let the images come. He didn’t have time for this.Instead, he looked at Ellone again, wanting to ask her something, but not knowing what. She must have sensed his apprehension, because her smile changed to a more gentle look.“You’re going to do great today, Squall,” she said quietly.He let out a long breath. He didn’t realize how much he needed to hear that.“Thank you,” he said. He wanted to hug her again but thought it might be weird, so he stood there awkwardly, wishing he could come up with the words.Looking out over his friends in the room, he breathed again. He was doing this for them. They all had his back. Even Rinoa, who pissed him off this morning. He loved her so much even if she was ridiculous. He was making a better world for her. It was all worth it. It was going to be okay. But he had to go. He quickly kissed Rinoa, and then he was on his way.Alone in the hall, he suddenly felt so young, and somehow so old. The little boy crying in the rain stood there with him, inside him. Was it pride? Disbelief? Or just crying again at the weight of it all? So much decision making and responsibility went into today, and Squall had a substantial role in it. This was it: He was changing SeeD, and changing the terrible political landscape that made SeeD so successful. He was making a peaceful world for Rinoa.He straightened his back, squared his shoulders, and walked on.
*
It took every ounce of energy to stay focused on the voices of the drawling ambassadors when at any moment Squall wasn’t sure if his mind would be taken away to some distant place. The ringing in his ears hadn’t gone away completely, the mild persistence keeping him on a new kind of alert. He couldn’t imagine what would happen if an episode happened here, at the summit, around all of these important dignitaries. His reputation would be completely destroyed. It would be an international incident.On top of it all, why did Laguna have to look at him like that? It made his skin crawl, and distracted him immensely when now, more than ever, he needed his wits about him. He was certain Laguna was going to pass him a handwritten note or something equally stupid. A low panic hummed through his chest at the thought. Finally, when it was agreed to adjourn for the day, Squall wanted nothing more than to sprint out of the meeting hall and grab his gunblade. He needed to clear his mind. Besides, his muscles burned with the sedentariness of it all. Nothing made him more stir crazy than sitting still all day. Reliably, though, Laguna grabbed him by the elbow before he could make his escape, making the same prickly feeling return up the back of his neck. “Hey, man,” Laguna said awkwardly. “I know you’re probably anxious to get out of here – I don’t blame ya! But I just wanted to see if maybe we could grab some dinner or something tonight. I’d love to sit down and talk with you for a bit, if that’s alright. I have some stuff I really need to talk to you about.”The ringing picked up in Squall’s ears. He had to get away from here. He could feel it: his mind was slipping. Something about Laguna made the onset imminent. But a kind of terror froze him in place, his muscles still pleading for him to take off. “I understand, though,” Laguna threw his head back in laughter, “you’re probably sick of hearing my voice today! Hell, I’m beat, too. Maybe it would be best if we got together when this is all done. When we have fresh brains, you know, not melted ones from talking with these old fuddy duddies. Sound good?”“Okay,” Squall heard himself say, the ringing in his ears growing louder. “Alright, get some good rest tonight, Squall. I’ll see ya tomorrow.”
*
Squall could not concentrate on what anyone was saying during the debrief in the meeting room that evening. No one really pressed him to talk, which was great, but their voices added to the ringing in his ears while his conversation with Laguna was playing in a loop in his head:
“Hey man…grab some dinner…really need to talk to you…”
And Laguna’s stupid smile and his casual manner and the way he laughed like everything was so genuinely funny.Squall could not get his brain to stop. The unease was making him feel jumpy, and wired, like a pressure build up in his head. He could feel Rinoa’s eyes on him, worried. But the words wouldn’t come.Instead, the worst was happening. His breathing was wrong, the fullness in his head was an overwhelming pressure that threatened to split him in two. He couldn’t control it as he felt himself slipping away from everything around him…Vivid flashes came to his mind’s eye: pictures of a pub, and a woman…a woman whose face he had only ever seen through Laguna’s eyes…He clenched his fists and his jaw so tightly in an attempt to gain control, his heart frantic and skipping beats while he fought resolutely against it all.Cid was speaking at the head of the table but Squall also saw the woman’s face in his field of vision, demanding his attention.Raine…her name was Raine, he knew that, but why? Why was he being made to see this image so forcefully, like something was trying to insistently rip him from his present moment…But Squall, above anything, knew how to hold his ground. He clenched his teeth tighter, holding himself together, willing this episode out of his mind’s eye.
It’s not real…it’s not real…
Squall could feel Rinoa beside him and it took every ounce of his strength not to let her see what was happening. He couldn’t crumble like this. Not anymore. She needed him.
Snap out of it, Leonhart!
Cid dismissed them and he barely controlled his legs to walk at a normal pace and not run out of the room. Rinoa ran up beside him and he knew he should say something to her, but his mouth wouldn’t work. His teeth were glued together, his voice box broken. She reached to hold his hand and it sent his whole body over the edge, images of Raine and Laguna cascading his vision.He needed space for whatever this episode was to get out of his system, but he didn’t want to tell her that, lest she take it personally and he’d be dealing with her anger on top of everything. He needed an excuse to leave. He couldn’t think of where to go…anywhere…somewhere she couldn’t see. Where no one could see. They arrived at their room. He went to grab his gunblade, working up the energy to open his mouth and tell her he needed to go train, blinking back yet another image of Raine.Rinoa beat him to it, like she always did with her words. "Okay, what the hell is going on?!" she yelled.He couldn’t look at her. His body was on overload. He could not deal with this. "What do you mean?" he asked through his tightly gritted teeth."What do you think I mean?" Rinoa shrieked. "You won't hold my hand, you won't look at me. I know you're stressed out right now but–" His voice came out on its own accord, angry and ready to release the pressure right onto her. "Yes, Rinoa, I'm really fucking stressed out right now, so if you could just give me a second to breathe–" "What is that supposed to mean? Do you want me to go?" His stomach dropped. The images disappeared. Go?! Why was that her solution to this?! "No! Why would you say that?" She frowned, her anger placed with a clear sense of confusion. "I just – you seem like – you didn't want me around–" Fuck, this was not okay. Something was very, very wrong with him and he didn’t know what. Was his brain just fucked up from using the GFs? Was it recalibrating now that he no longer used them? Or was that just an excuse for his stress level being out of control?Squall took a deep breath and ran his hands roughly through his hair, trying to come up with something reasonable to say. I think my brain might be fucked up didn’t seem right.
Say something…say something…open your mouth and speak!
"Well maybe I'm a little overwhelmed. And it doesn't help that you're complaining about every single thing." He realized what he had said only after it came out of his mouth, and he looked sharply at her to see just how badly he messed up.To his surprise, her shoulders immediately fell. She looked close to tears."I'm sorry," she said shakily. "I didn't even realize I was doing it. I think it's my way of handling stress. It's not an excuse, though. I'll be more aware of it now. I'm sorry."Hyne, he had done this. He almost made her cry with his stupid fucked-up brain. How could he possibly fix this?His Rinoa, his angel, and he had pushed her to tears. Nothing else in the world mattered. He reached out and laced his fingers in hers, the way she always liked.He wasn’t sure if he could imagine it, but he thought he could feel her heartbeat in her hand, and the pulse made him feel so comforted and soothed. His breathing slowed. She was no longer pouting in that obscenely sad way. She looked up at him, her deep brown eyes piercing his, looking directly into his heart.But just that look was enough to cause Squall’s heart to quicken all over again, his desire coming all at once.Instinctively, he crashed his mouth into hers, holding her head so he could kiss her with the vigor that he couldn’t keep back. “I love you so much, Squall,” she said, and he realized he had pushed her against the bed, his body so suddenly starving for her that it acted without his permission. “I love you, too,” he said, his hands gripping her body so tight he thought she would surely protest. But she didn’t. Rinoa matched his aggressive energy as she forcibly removed his SeeD jacket, and the overwhelm he felt before was translated into eagerness. This was so new, this level of intimacy. It was simultaneously so fragile and yet so certain. Rinoa wanted him the same exact way Squall wanted her. He thought he might rip her shirt in his haste to get it off of her. “Sorry,” he mumbled quickly, pressing against her again.“Don’t – don’t say sorry,” she said as she removed the rest of her clothes and pulled him onto the bed.And here was his angel again, saving him, giving him a release that was better than anything else he could imagine. Her naked body against his; the warmth between her legs enveloping him, satisfying him more deeply than he thought possible. Squall knew he was too quick, he knew he got too caught up in the frenzy of pleasure that sex brought. He knew he needed to learn how to please her, too. Despite his ineptitude, Rinoa seemed enraptured by what he did. Every time they had sex seemed to bring her to a place of such ecstasy that he sometimes had to clamp his hand over her mouth so her moans wouldn’t leave the room. He did so again now, and she clung to his forearm, her nails digging into his skin in a way he didn’t even register. But finally, finally, release. His eyes were unfocused as he flopped beside her in the bed, spent and satisfied. “I’m sorry,” Squall said, his voice thick as it tried to remember how to work.“Don’t,” Rinoa said again, panting. He was panting, too. “I know, but–” “It’s okay,” Rinoa said, cupping his face in her hand. And it was as if everything from before was absolved. Squall didn’t deserve her.He leaned over on an unsteady arm and kissed her lips. “I love you.”“I love you, too.”
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
The Nations Rebuild summit concluded without incident. Acting Galbadia President Fury Caraway was a key mediator: he spoke rarely; always with a controlled demeanor that demanded respect and attention. The man did not waste words.
With his allotted time, Caraway shared a massive plan to overhaul the clusterfuck that was Galbadia’s government. It was well-received by all present, and dovetailed nicely with the fine details of the peace treaty. Through it all, Caraway did not once mention his role as Rinoa’s father – Rinoa herself was never mentioned by name, anyway – but a certain sense of justice and fairness pervaded his speech. Maybe Caraway had Rinoa in mind when he planned it all.
Caraway was the necessary balance to Laguna’s long-winded and airy remarks. But Laguna, to his credit, was surprisingly level-headed, and his easy-going manner was a quick way to break any tension that came on. There had been a particularly heated moment when the prime minister of Trabia detailed the horrific effects that the Galbadian missiles had caused on their Garden and the surrounding community, her voice growing more and more accusatory towards the Galbadian contingent as she went on – but Laguna managed to validate and calm her down with just a few sentences about the “new directive for peace.” So, despite seething silently at the bumbling man, Squall was forced to admit that the whole summit was successful mainly due to Laguna’s natural affinity for leadership.
Whatever.
Another happy little surprise was how Cid, too, was a big factor in how smoothly the event turned out. He managed to guide most topics back to a “changing world landscape” that was headed towards civility, now without the concern of sorcery. He managed, with striking sensibility, to convince the assembly that Seifer and Edea had been innocent, implying that it was the Sorceress Adel who had wrought the destruction. As planned, the name Ultimecia was never mentioned.
It was finally revealed that Squall and his team had been the ones to take down “The Destructor,” as Cid vaguely referenced, and that “The Young Girl” who received the powers had been merely a victim in the succession of sorcery.
In the end, Rinoa’s personality was really what sealed the deal for all the major world players. She was painted by Cid and Laguna as an innocent doll, so sweet and precious with her noble background of helping the people of Timber. And the added fact that the exceptional SeeDs of Balamb Garden, with the daring Commander Leonhart at the helm, were going to keep tabs on her, was enough of a promise to make everyone feel safe enough to agree on the terms of the treaty.
The only thing Squall hated about this was how he was seen as some hero who was saving the world from the dark power that Rinoa had. As much as he tried to steer the discussion away from himself, it turned out to be the one thing that most people clung to as the solution.
But if that’s what it took to keep Rinoa anonymous and to make everyone sign the Hyne-damned treaty, then so be it.
*
Squall would have thought there would be at least
some
reprieve in concluding the summit, but he was starting to understand: work in Garden would never be finished. SeeD special missions were starting up again on a limited basis, Selphie was starting a research study on the GFs, and Squall had to figure out a way to delicately brief the entire population of Balamb Garden that the girl he was often caught holding hands with in the corridors was actually a sorceress who they were all charged with keeping protected and anonymous.
If that wasn’t enough, there was also the looming dread of Laguna tracking him down to
talk.
So far Squall avoided the meeting at every turn, but Laguna finally resorted to scheduling an official meeting through Cid’s secretary.
No escape now.
He walked to the meeting room at their agreed time of nine hundred hours, each step like the familiar foreshock of an earthquake, warning Squall to run the other way. Squall wished he could just be rid of this guy once and for all, but the sharp pain in his head told him that was not likely to happen.
He’d been able to hold himself together for several days, not slipping into the disconcerting visions he’d had no control over. After the incident with Rinoa on the first day of the summit, he had reviewed the old training manuals in the back of his closet to study the recovery skills from some SeeD prep class from ages ago: practice deep breathing, stay rooted in the present moment. He hadn’t slipped off into a memory since then. He could handle it.
Squall braced himself and opened the door to the meeting room.
“It’s been hard to nail you down, Squall!” Laguna said with a jovial arm wave.
Squall was already irritated but remained silent as he sat beside Cid, whose benign smile was unwavering.
“Well, I’m glad we’re finally getting a chance to talk,” Cid said. “The budding relationship between Esthar and Balamb Garden is a very exciting opportunity for us!”
“I agree,” Laguna said.
The Hyne-forsaken ringing began faintly in Squall’s ear. He gave his head a little shake and took a measured breath.
In through the nose, out through the mouth.
Just one more meeting and then he’d be done with this guy.
But that was a lie and he knew it. There was no way he’d be rid of Laguna that easily. He gripped the hard wooden hand rests with both hands.
“So,” Laguna continued, prying Squall from his foreboding thoughts, “I think you know I’m a big fan of the new plans you guys have for Garden. I’ve heard really nice things about the monster eradication thing you have going, and I know you’ve got even nicer stuff on the horizon. And I want to get in on it.”
Squall thought he could hear the cash register noises in Cid’s head. Esthar was a very wealthy nation, and “getting in on it” probably meant cash flow for Garden, something Cid fretted about frequently.
“Correct me if I’m wrong,” Laguna said, eyebrow raised, causing Squall’s jaw muscles to contract, “but I think previously, your primary stream of income was hiring SeeD out for private mercenary missions? And you are moving away from that model?”
“You are correct,” Cid said, smiling far too big. What a terrible poker face. Squall reminded himself to never play cards with the man.
“In that case,” Laguna slammed his hand on the polished table, “I’d like to officially submit my request to hire SeeD for monster eradication for the Esthar continent. For however long it takes. And from there, Esthar will be interested in funding Garden for a full year after, to help you guys, ya know, get on your feet while you figure this new stuff out.”
Cid laughed, but Squall was immediately suspicious. This was too generous, like a personal goodwill offering, and not an investment for Laguna’s constituents. How was funding a foreign Garden going to benefit the people of Esthar?
Before Squall could unclench his jaw and say something, Cid was standing and extending his hand over the table. Laguna mirrored the gesture, and the two men shook on it.
“Pleasure doing business with you, President Loire,” Cid said, beaming. “We’ll have Xu draft up some paperwork and we can go over the fine details. Until then, we’ll gear up to relocate to Esthar!”
It took every fiber of Squall’s being not to outwardly groan. Of course he had been right: Laguna was not going away, and now they were entering a contract of indefinite length with him, probably relying solely on his financial support for years to come.
Worst case scenario.
Laguna clapped his hands. “Well, if that’s that! Squall, would you mind if we have that conversation now?”
The ringing in Squall’s ears reached a deafening pitch. For a split second he had let himself believe that this meeting had been “the conversation” that Laguna had been requesting.
“Um–” Squall said. “I can’t–”
Laguna looked crestfallen, and Squall didn’t currently have the mental ability to craft a good evasion.
“Squall, I know you’re busy, but this really is important, I’ve been looking forward–”
“I’ve got a – a thing, I have to do,” Squall said. “For Rinoa,” he added stupidly, as if it made a difference.
It didn’t matter. Squall bolted out of the room, his chest tight, head pounding.
What was he doing?
*
The relocation to Esthar went smoothly enough. After hosting an international summit, and well, after everything else he’d done in his life, the day-to-day running of Garden seemed natural, even as things were so actively changing. In fact, a lot of things felt simple enough now. They could settle into some form of routine. It all seemed so easy.
Except for one, big, stupid thing.
Like holding off an avalanche, Laguna’s desire to meet privately with Squall hung heavy over his head. Squall managed to avoid directly running into Laguna by busying himself with SeeD graduation requirement meetings with Quistis and Irvine, always finding out-of-the-way classrooms for meeting spaces to avoid potentially running into him on the third floor.
But Laguna wasn’t having it.
One day a letter arrived through the courier service Garden had set up with the Esthar presidential residence. Cid was sorting through the memos and held one up from the rest.
“Oh,” he said, amused, “looks like Laguna’s written something to you.” He handed Squall the envelope.
Squall felt himself go red in the face. Why couldn’t Laguna just forget about it? Hyne, this was stupid. He tore the envelope open and Laguna’s scrawl filled the whole page.
Intrigued, and slightly nauseous, he read:
Dear Squall,
I know we’re unlikely to bump into one another, so I figured I’d write and ask if you had thought about coming over to my office for a meeting. Or I can come to you, if that’s easier. You seem very busy! I’m busy here, too, but I think our conversation is important, and should certainly happen in person.
I mentioned to you that we have a lot to talk about, and we do. I don’t think we should wait any longer.
I look forward to seeing you!
Laguna
It felt like the weight of putting off this meeting, holding up the avalanche, was too much. His arms would soon buckle.
He put the letter down and stared.
“Why don’t you want to meet with him, Squall?” Cid asked.
Squall simply looked at him, feeling sick. “I’ll be back later,” he said abruptly, and left the room.
*
The familiar weight of his gunblade, Lionheart, felt incredible in his hands again. It had been far too long since Squall had had the chance to train.
As per his usual routine, he preferred to train alone. If he was honest, though, he would have killed for a chance to spar with Seifer.
Seifer had been the only match for Squall, and they both knew it. There was something nice about that; about being able to spar with someone at your exact same level, or sometimes just above it, always driving each other to be better. Something comfortable about their old reliable routine.
Squall dove into the monster in front of him, a grat, slicing through one of its thin leafy arms and making contact with its ugly brown body. The thing fell to the ground and Squall straightened, wiping the sweat from his brow.
“I knew you’d be here,” a soft voice said behind him.
Squall turned. It was Ellone, smiling serenely, a nervous-looking cadet by her side.
“Sis,” he said. “What are you doing? Come on, we have to get you out of here.”
“That’s why I brought a friend,” she said as she trailed along, her shoes slipping on the rough terrain as they jogged to the safety of the hallway.
“Thanks,” Ellone said to her cadet “friend”, who gave an awkward bow and took off.
“It’s good to see you,” she said to Squall. Her smile changed before she spoke her next words. “I’m here on behalf of Laguna.”
Oh. Of course.
“I get the feeling you are avoiding him, Squall,” she said.
Squall looked away. He didn’t want to have to deal with this from her, too. It didn’t matter that the weight of it was pulling him down – that he might be crushed from the pressure of it. He didn’t want to see Laguna, and that was that.
The silence stretched between them. He let it linger, stubbornly, awkwardly.
Ellone finally broke it. And when she did, her voice had a note of sadness to it that struck him somewhere undefinable. “Squall, I really want you to go talk to him. Please. For me.”
A memory came to him, unexpected and vivid: Ellone, much, much smaller, looking down at him with her brown doe eyes the same sadness then that she had now,
“Please, don’t be so sad, Squally.”
It was gone as quickly as it had come. But something had been pried open. A long-lost feeling of…what was it? Affection? Devotion?
It was his Sis, asking him, with increasing desperation.
Sis needed him. After years of not knowing who she was – of forgetting her entirely, and possibly doing nothing but letting her down his entire life – maybe Squall owed her this.
To his surprise, this understanding was the final ounce of weight that broke him. He had to do it. For her.
Squall couldn’t believe what he was about to ask. He felt like he was five years old again…watching himself from that strange memory.
“Why do you have to go, Sis?”
But this time she was here, right in front of him. Her nearness, her realness, was strengthening.
The words forced their way out. “Will you go with me?”
Ellone nodded and looked at him sadly for a moment. “We can go now. He’s upstairs. He’ll be happy to see you.”
Squall wasn’t sure how he made it up to the third floor. Despite Ellone’s fortifying presence, he was plagued with the now-usual sensations: tunnel vision, aching stomach, ears ringing, head pounding.
It was inevitable now, this collision.
Together they went up the elevator and into the meeting room. Squall was paralyzed when he saw Laguna standing there, smiling and welcoming them in.
“Have a seat, guys,” Laguna said, his usual air of cheerfulness tempered.
Squall didn’t want to sit. He wanted to run out of there as fast as he could.
“Thanks for coming, Squall.”
“What do you want to talk about?” Squall spat out.
“Squall,” Ellone said, putting her hand on his shoulder.
He tensed when he felt her touch. This was too much. He shouldn’t have come.
But he looked at Ellone’s face, and her sadness softened him the smallest bit. This was for her.
He sat, hard, on the closest seat.
“Thanks for coming,” Laguna repeated, still smiling but now looking apprehensive. “I knew it would be hard to get you here!”
Squall glared at him.
Laguna sat across from Squall and looked at him for a little too long.
“So? What do you want to say?” Squall asked again.
Let’s just get this over with.
“Hyne, Squall, I want you to know that to me, this is a miracle. That I would get to meet you after all this time…”
Squall’s temperature rose as Laguna continued.
“See, it’s a bit complicated, and very unfair, and there’s a lot of explanation, but…geez, I’ll just tell you the whole story, okay? Let’s see…it was eighteen years ago–”
Squal’s stomach lurched. He knew what was coming and he didn’t want to hear it. He had known all along, and now that it was finally happening, he didn’t know if he could take it.
But Laguna continued. “–when I was living in Winhill. You may remember this, from what Ellone showed you. I think, what you didn’t know, is that I married Raine. And very shortly after we were married, Ellone was kidnapped. And Ellone meant the world to us, and so of course I went to go find her. Well…I didn’t know it, and I don’t know if Raine even knew it at the time, but Raine was pregnant…”
He trailed off for a second, gazing at Squall, and Squall couldn’t take it anymore. He didn’t want to hear what was next. The ringing in his ears was splitting his head. He was numb. Laguna’s next words came from what felt like the far end of a long, dark tunnel.
“…I had found Ellone, and sent her home…and I got stuck there, in Esthar. I had this wild chance to stop Adel and to stop the war, so I stayed longer than I wanted, and…you know how hard it is to get word of things that are happening across the world, especially back then…I learned that Raine had died, and no one ever told me that she had a baby…until Ellone found me last summer. And told me. And Squall…
you
were that baby…I finally found you after all this time, Squall. I’m…”
“Don’t,” Squall said. Squall couldn’t look at him. “Don’t say it.”
“Squall,” Ellone said, placing a hand on his arm and making him flinch.
“Squall, I’m your dad,” Laguna said with a hopeful smile.
Squall pulled away from Ellone. He knew this was coming – he
knew
deeply somehow that this is exactly what Laguna was going to say. And now that he’d said it, now that the avalanche had started, it was all tumbling down, out of control.
“You don’t have any right to claim that title,” he said, standing up, as if he had planned this response all along. “I’m eighteen years old. I’m an adult. You waited too long.” The anger in his voice burned his throat. He stalked to the door.
“Squall, I didn’t know!” Laguna pleaded, following him.
Squall turned and stared at him. He hated that face. “How could you not know?”
“Let him talk, Squall,” Ellone said. She had followed him and was looking desperate.
Squall breathed heavily and Laguna no longer looked full of hope. But Squall stood still. He would listen, for Ellone’s sake, and then he would write Laguna out of his life for good, as he had intended.
“I really didn’t know,” Laguna said, shaking his head in desperation, “and it kills me. I had looked all over for Ellone after I learned she had been sent away. But Edea protected her well. I never found her. And a lot of the village, the people in Winhill, they died in the war, and those who didn’t die left, scattered all over the place trying to get away from it. No one sent me any word that Raine had been pregnant, or even given birth! I don’t even really know how she died. I’m telling you, with one hundred percent honesty, that I had no idea I had a son. I would have searched the whole world for you if I knew! It was Ellone. She found me. She told me everything. And she let me be the one to tell you all this, though it took much, much longer than I ever thought. All I can say is that I’m so, so happy I found you now. I want to be your father
now,
while I can. And maybe we can make up for all that lost time.”
Squall looked at him for a long moment, numbness radiating from his very core.
There was nothing he could say. There was nothing he wanted to say.
He turned and walked out the door.
“Squall!” Laguna called after him.
“It’s okay,” he heard Ellone whisper. “Let him go. Let him think about it for a while…”
Disoriented and breathing far too heavy, he walked as fast as he could away from that man.
He didn’t care what the story was. There was no possible way his story made sense.
Cid was his father. Edea was his mother. He had brothers and sisters, too: Zell, Irvine, Selphie, Quistis, and even goddamn Seifer. And he had Rinoa now. He had a family. He didn’t need anyone else in it. The space was full.
He felt his heart pounding. Worst of all, he
knew
he was pushing away whatever facts Laguna gave him. He knew he just didn’t want what Laguna said to be true. It was too much to mess up what he had right now. He didn’t want to think about the blood coursing through his veins…it was Laguna’s blood, and Raine’s. Raine was his mother…he had thought she was so beautiful in those dreams…
Hyne, stop it!
he yelled at himself as tears pricked his eyes.
Don’t go down that path!
He broke into a run. How could he stop the thoughts that kept crashing into his mind’s eye?
Raine’s face…so kind, so loving…and she was dead…ripped away from this earth…and now he knew what she looked like, and what her voice sounded like, and…
He wanted to claw his eyes out. Make the thoughts stop. For a split second he thought of calling out for a GF just for something – anything – to make this knowledge go away.
But no. He couldn’t do it. He collapsed on a bench in the atrium to try and gather his thoughts as the world felt as if it were slipping away once again.
Rinoa. He needed Rinoa.
Eyes clenched shut, he racked his brain trying to think of how to get to her as quickly as possible. If she would just find him, come to him, help him stop the world dissolving around him again…
And then, like soft tendrils reaching out from the ether, he felt her. Her presence, like a distant beacon, beckoned him to where she was.
A sharp breath shocked Squall from his wrecked mind, clarity filling him like a fresh breeze. He stood and walked purposefully to her, somehow knowing exactly where she was.
As soon as he saw her with Zell in the quad, Squall was struck with the overwhelming urge to collapse in her arms.
But the look on her face stopped him in his tracks. Something was wrong. He couldn’t pinpoint it at first, but then he realized what it was.
She was
scared
to see him.
And though she had saved him, something had cracked – everything he didn't know he'd feared was true: she was scared to know the depth of his pain. He had to continue to shelter her from himself. The clarity dissolved once more into a different haze…
Had he overwhelmed her with the agony that must have been obvious on his face? Shit, was he
crying?
He looked away from her, suddenly realizing how unnerving it must be to see him fall to pieces…He was supposed to be the one taking care of
her
, after all, not the other way around.
What was he supposed to say to her? How was he supposed to explain that he
needed
her? He needed her the same way he needed her before – to save him from his spiraling thoughts, the way that only she could?
He tried his damnedest to explain to her that everything was wrong. He tried so, so hard to get the words out, to tell her the extent of his torment without scaring her any further, but he couldn’t do it, and
she
couldn’t do it.
She was too scared of him.
He was falling. Falling away.
He was nothing again: trapped on an island all alone, no way of connecting to her.
He didn’t know what to do.
*
Squall had no idea how long he’d been in the Training Center. It must have been several hours. He sliced through another countless grat, sweat trickling into his eyes.
He sat, collapsed on the floor, a trail of monster corpses in his wake.
His arms were shaking, covered in monster blood.
And then the thought came back:
Laguna Loire was his father.
Another shaking started, this time in his chest, and it made its way up into his throat, wanting to explode outward from his mouth, like a scream trapped and forcing its way out.
But he couldn’t do that here. He knew if he screamed it would come with tears, and that was
not
going to happen in a public place.
Fuck, he needed to get out of there. He made for his room at a quick pace, hoping that Rinoa wasn’t there so if he broke down she wouldn’t have to see it. He couldn’t make her that scared ever again.
He had forgotten how much she depended on him. He was the sturdy one; the one she could always count on. He couldn’t fall to pieces in front of her. She couldn’t handle it.
This was something he had to do alone.
He held it together until he got to the room, which was mercifully empty.
But what he thought would be a burst of emotion was still just a silent, confused mess inside his head.
What was he doing?
Looking down, he remembered he was filthy. A shower would be a good place to hide for an indefinite amount of time.
Alone. As he was destined to be.
Scrubbing his body clean from the grime and blood of the monsters turned into a violent act, as if he could scrape the knowledge of his past off via his skin.
For a brief moment it felt cathartic. His skin felt raw. He took a deep breath and stood in the spray of water, letting every stupid thought rinse off and disappear down the drain.
But that’s not how these things worked. Nothing had disappeared.
Then the onslaught came unexpectedly: vicious thoughts crashing around in his head, unstoppable.
His father. His father had been alive this whole time.
Everything could have been so different.
So, so different.
He could have had a normal life. He wouldn’t have been forced into Garden at age five – he could have gone to a normal school, and studied engineering, or history, or whatever the fuck he wanted. Not fucking trained to assassinate people.
His brain wouldn’t have been so fucked up. He wouldn’t have had so many stupid fears, he wouldn’t have fucked up his life
so much
if he’d just had a father who was
there.
And his mother! His mother was so wonderful. He knew she was wonderful – it was easy to see in the visions Ellone had shown him last summer. Raine would have been the best mother.
Hyne, his mother and father had loved each other. They had wanted him. They would have had a happy little family.
And it was all ripped away from him.
It wasn’t fair.
And now he was alone again, by
choice,
because he didn’t know any different.
He slumped against the shower wall, clutching his face.
He couldn’t keep doing this.
He was only just starting to get back to normal after time compression. His fractured brain had been slowly healing from his misunderstanding of past and present…he had just begun to get a grasp on his life…
And now this: an explosion of
what ifs
and getting caught in visions of memories…
The shaking in his chest forced its way out, but not with a scream. Instead, a heavy sob choked out of his throat and the tears flowed freely.
He cried hard, like he had been saving up since he was five years old, the snot and tears running hot down his face and mixing with the cool water, the shower wall just barely holding him up.
The worst part was that he had known this had to be the truth of it all along. There was no other reason that Ellone had shown him all those memories last summer. She had been trying to send him a message.
And Squall had done nothing but deny it, denying over and over again that it could be real, letting her down among everyone else.
He hit the wall with another pathetic sob and whimper, and hated himself.
This had to stop. He couldn't afford this kind of meltdown. Too much rested on his shoulders. Too much responsibility. He was the commander of fucking Garden.
And he had Rinoa now. Knights don’t fucking cry alone in the shower.
He couldn't let her hear this bullshit. She'd think he was still broken. How was he supposed to be her knight if he was still some broken shell of a person who cried alone in the shower? He was supposed to be getting better!
Abruptly, he choked back the next sob and forced himself to take a deep, shuddering breath. He faced the shower head and turned the water all the way cold. Maybe he could shock himself into shaping up.
If he could just get out of his head – just stop thinking. He’d be willing to do anything right now to just turn it
off.
If only the GFs could hand-pick the memories they clouded…but no, that’s not how it worked.
The only other solution he could think of was to cut his own brain out with a knife…get rid of this mountain of grief that was threatening to crush him to death.
But he obviously couldn’t do that. What other alternative was there?
What a pathetic mess. Here he was again, alone and overthinking, and seeking a way to forget. Would he ever change?
Was he just permanently fucked up?
Taking a more resigned breath this time, he turned off the water and toweled off.
No.
He would do better. He
had
to do better. He had Rinoa to think about now; he couldn’t just sit alone and drown in his miserable thoughts anymore. She was scared, too. Scared of his weakness. Scared of her powers. He had to be strong for her.
Swallowing hard, he put on his clothes and stood silently staring at the door, willing himself to open it.
His friends. He had to reach out to them. That had been his downfall before. He couldn’t let it happen again. Even if they wouldn’t ever fully understand, he couldn’t repeat his own history and doom himself to this isolation. It only made him weaker.
Should he just open his mouth and tell them all? They would all understand the upheaval inside him, wouldn’t they? As orphans? What would they say if they found one of their parents, who claimed to have never even known about them? What if they had been forgotten so blatantly, like a lost set of keys?
With a final mental shove, Squall forced the crumbled, broken thoughts deep into the corners of his mind. They weren’t gone. But they had to go away for now so that he could open the damn door.
It took a huge effort, but he did it. He opened the door and forced his feet to move one in front of the other, seeking his friends and his sorceress.
*
Squall awoke several hours later, disoriented. Where was he? His face was pressed to tile, and it was cool on his cheek.
Slowly, he blinked, and SeeD training kicked in. He mentally assessed his body: nothing felt broken, or injured at all. Just oddly stiff and twisted on the floor.
Squall’s head felt strange – like he was on a boat. A piercing pain pulsed behind his right eye.
And then it hit him: he had fallen asleep on his bathroom floor after vomiting up the absurd amount of whiskey he had drunk with Irvine that night.
How stupid.
The good news was that other than the pain in his head, he felt fine. The vomiting and sleep must have helped.
Still. What an idiotic way to behave. Not exactly what he had envisioned when he attempted the admittedly cliche “drink to forget.”
Squall stayed motionless on the floor, the gently rocking imaginary waves making him unwilling to get up just yet, the ground pulling him ever downwards.
Really, the whiskey had been nice at first. It had a sort of settling effect on him. He remembered sitting at the bar and feeling his pulse slow. It was easy to talk. That was great.
And then suddenly it wasn’t.
If only he had stopped before that last drink. That would have been perfect.
He cringed, remembering suddenly how Irvine and Rinoa had needed to walk him home.
How embarrassing.
Oh, Hyne, Rinoa.
He never should have let himself get so sloppy. He never wanted her to see him like that. Had he cried again? Fuck.
And he knew he had pushed her away. He knew it, and it made the bitter taste return to his mouth.
Is that who he was now, an asshole to his sorceress? Who he was supposed to honor and protect?
Peeling himself off the floor, Squall slowly made himself upright. The room only titled a little. He caught sight of his unfortunate face in the mirror: lines from the tile embedded on the right side of his face, hair a rat’s nest.
He brushed his teeth, changed, and sat on the edge of the bed looking at Rinoa. She was so beautiful. Even with her mouth slightly open, like a zombie. To him, she was still perfect, despite her fear of his mess. And he was certainly a fucked up mess.
She didn’t deserve to put up with his frankly terrifying condition.
He was so glad she was sleeping, so he could have the comfort of her presence without having to talk – without having to explain himself. He didn’t think he could. He didn’t know if she could handle it.
Hyne, what had he put her through today?
She deserved a knight who could be attentive and caring to her. Not a pathetic mess who dumped his stupid issues on her.
He had to be better. Had to be stronger for her. He had to figure something out. Anything.
He pushed her over – as he usually had to do – and fell asleep holding her, more grateful than ever for her presence.
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
“Hey.”Squall heard Rinoa’s voice as if from far away. He recognized the heaviness in it, like someone had died. They had been lying in bed for a while, silent, Squall’s energy running in a frantic current just below his skin, not knowing what to do with it.She persisted. “I just want to make sure you’re okay,” she said, her voice soft, apprehensive. Closing his eyes, he tried to come up with the words. Something other than: I’m not okay. It was the look in her eyes that stopped him – the fear. Where did that come from? Why did she look so scared when he sought her comfort? She had been the one to save him from his loneliness before, and now…Now she only made him feel alone.He constantly got the feeling that he should be saving her again, like it was his job to comfort her in this strange new reality. Because he was different now. It was as if his DNA had been rewritten without his permission. As if his already shitty history had been made a thousand times worse. His mother was dead. His father hadn’t even known of his existence. His father wanted to pretend like everything was great. Like he could make up for eighteen years of lost time.A lifetime of lost time.He sighed resignedly, sitting up in bed and trying to figure out how to answer her, finally settling on, “I don’t know,” and then quickly adding, “I’m fine. I’ll be fine.”Rinoa didn’t respond as Squall got up and dressed for the day. He was so agitated, like something was rubbing the wrong way against every inch of his skin. And his headache – Hyne, he couldn’t believe how long this headache had been running – persisted viciously, outlining his every thought.He needed some air. Some time to just think , without Rinoa or anyone else poking at him so uncomfortably that he might explode.“I’ll see you later,” Squall said, then grabbed his gunblade and headed out. As soon as the door slammed behind him, he realized how shitty he must have sounded, but he could do nothing helpful about it now. If he went back in that room he would just blow a fuse.Gritting his teeth, he set off for the training center.
*
The next day was the same thing. He decided to go train outside of Garden, in the Esthar desert, as a way to avoid the eyes of students and SeeDs that seem to always be following him.Making his way to Garden’s front gates, Squall calculated the risk. It wasn’t necessarily against protocol for him to go out on his own – it was more of a heavily implied suggestion that he himself usually helped enforce upon SeeDs and cadets alike.But fuck it. He wanted to be out in the world, to see the open sky, feel the firm ground beneath his feet. Get away from everything. Clear his head.It would be risky, though. He paused mid-descent of the front steps, and considered.Junctioning a guardian force would be a certain way to make sure he was protected. He hadn’t called on any GFs since the war. And Selphie had been working on some promising theories…It turned out that the memories the GFs had suppressed were fully salvageable. If her work had proven anything, it was that with frequent breaks and helpful reminders of the past, the memory issue with GFs wasn’t really an issue. One hour of junctioned time was nothing compared to the several months he spent junctioned last year. He could handle a single hour. And besides, Selphie was now their dedicated historian, hell-bent on taking videos and writing journal entries of everything.Just an hour. He’d be fine.Squall took a deep breath and called Shiva, the powerful ice guardian, to his mind.He felt the old familiar clink in his head, like a gear slotting into place, and Shiva’s mild presence filled him with a power he had nearly forgotten. She helped him move magic about his mind, defending him from physical and magical attack, and his heart raced as she helped him move his body quicker than what was natural.It felt good.Squall took off at a run towards the desert, spotting a Torama leopard, as it bounded towards him.He felt alive again as he charged toward the beast, letting his gunblade glide easily through the air and into the Torama’s neck. The monster bucked off of Squall, digging its claws into him as it bounded off. It was angry.Squall relished the fight. It had been so long since he’d had this incredible strength. It was addictive to fight like this – he couldn’t believe he had been missing out on it for so long.Squall landed the final blow to the thing’s head, causing it to fall to the ground in a heap.Instead of feeling elated, though, Squall felt his body slump, too. The edges of his vision were going black. Shiva was pressing down on his mind and he tried to call out to make her stop, to unjunction her, but it wasn’t working.His vision spiraled out of control as he fell, face-first to the ground, his gunblade falling helplessly beside him as he tried to get his arms out to brace for the fall. And then, like some twisted slot machine, images passed in front of his eyes of things from his past – memories, sliding by so fast they made him feel sick. “Shiva!” he shouted in a daze. The ice goddess finally understood his dismissal and was gone, but the images persisted. Desperately, Squall tried to get up from the ground, but could only get to his hands and knees before collapsing again, the pictures going by so quickly he was soon lost in the confusion.“No…” he muttered to himself, knowing what was coming. It was like time compression all over again: the images started to repeat, getting blurrier and harder to distinguish. And now it wasn’t just Rinoa’s face fading to black, but Raine, Laguna, Ellone, his friends…“Squall!” A voice cut through the fog. He knew the voice, but he couldn’t see anything, couldn’t tell who it was…“Squall, please! Squall!”Whoever it was gripped his shoulder and shook him.The images slowed, until finally they stopped, and he could see the dry ground beneath him. “Squall!”Squall looked up, willing himself to come back to the present moment, and saw Ellone standing above him, looking panicked, two Esthar soldiers beside her, their weapons drawn.“Ellone?” he said, his voice hoarse.“What is going on?! Are you okay?” “I’m – I’m okay,” he said, doing his best to get off the ground.Ellone offered her hand and Squall took it begrudgingly. There Esthar guards lowered their weapons. What the hell just happened? He had just felt stronger than he’d felt in ages, only to be thrust to the ground in an incoherent heap.Of course, the cause was obvious. Junctioning a GF, even one he knew well, was clearly not something his broken mind could handle.But why? Everyone else had started junctioning again, and none of them complained of their brains going fucking berserk…Squall lowered his face, humiliated.“You don’t seem okay,” Ellone said. “It’s lucky I was out here, on my way to Garden…Squall, what were you doing? Something was really wrong with you just now–”“I know,” he interrupted harshly, instantly guilty about his tone. Ellone was only trying to help. “Sorry,” he said, forcing his voice to sound even and unperturbed. “I just…I just needed a little time to myself and I…I haven’t figured out how to use GFs again.”Ellone looked at him suspiciously. She wasn’t buying it. “Well,” she said, “I’m glad I found you, in any case.”Squall absently rubbed at his temple. The headache persisted. He didn’t want to tell her how freaked out he was about what just happened. It wasn’t her problem to deal with.“What were you doing out here, anyway?” he asked, trying to change the subject.“I was coming to see you,” she said, still wary. “Listen, how about I take you to Dr. Kadowaki–”“No,” he said. He didn’t mean to sound so defensive, but he couldn’t go to infirmary for this. No one could know. There was too much at stake.Ellone sighed. “Okay,” she said gently after a moment. “I know it’s…weird…to learn about Laguna. But I can see that something else is going on. I won’t push it, though. It’s not any of my business. But Squall…I know what happened to you during time compression. I can wager a guess that you’re still dealing with the effects. If you’d like an impartial listener, or someone to talk to, I can promise I would never judge you.”Squall was silent. He had not considered these troubling incidents to be more than some sort of shell-shock, but maybe Ellone was right. Maybe time compression had done something to him. The implications were even more alarming.“And anyway I was coming to ask you if you wanted to hang out. And just, you know, catch up. We don’t have to talk about Laguna,” she added with a raise of one eyebrow. At his continued silence, she spoke again. “I’m going to walk you back to Garden,” she said. He almost said I don’t need a babysitter but held his tongue as they headed towards the huge structure.
*
Days dragged on and Squall reported to duty on the third floor as usual, forcing himself to concentrate on the menial tasks at hand: redefining SeeD graduation requirements, crafting rejection letters to past big-name SeeD supporters with new hire requests, and overseeing the Esthar mission, which Irvine handled well but needed overseeing regardless.It all felt surreal. It wasn’t enough to cover the feeling that he had officially lost his grip; that he was slipping further and further away from reality, into the recesses of his mind.The incident after junctioning Shiva weighed heavy on him. He couldn’t deny that Ellone was right: time compression had left a lasting impact on him.Really, he had known this all along. But recognizing this did nothing to help him. It only served to highlight the fact that he had already been messed up enough to get stranded in time compression in the first place. He was even worse now.A constant prickle ran under his skin, as if his nerve-endings were all frayed, making him snap at every little thing.Worst of all was the frustration he felt towards Rinoa. He hadn’t realized until now how much he was depending on her…she had been the only thing to help him keep a grip on reality, and now…Now…she couldn’t help him.A small fear pestered him that it was actually her sorceress power that he needed…that her magic had been like an IV drip that kept him functioning normally, and now that she had been wearing the Bangle for so long, it no longer worked…But it was a vicious cycle: he needed her, she couldn’t help him, so he should be the one to help her …Rinoa was the one who needed a knight, not the other way around. The truth was that he’d only ever let her down if he kept this up. He no longer had any sense of control, shifting between anger, sadness, and apathy faster than he could recognize, his insides trying to rip themselves apart.But he didn’t know what to do.Drowning in work seemed just enough to stop him from combusting entirely.He reported for duty as usual on a Wednesday morning, diving into the morning mail. And like a kick when he was down, he recognized the scrawl on a plain white envelope. He ripped it open and read:
Squall,
I totally understand why you’d feel upset with how things have turned out with us. I know you’ve been through a lot, so I won’t bother you if you’re not up to it!
I will tell you, though, that I’m very proud to be your father. You have accomplished so much. And even if it doesn’t mean anything, coming from me, I just wanted you to know.
Please know that Esthar is always open to you, Squall. And I will always be willing if you want to meet up one day.
Laguna
Squall’s hand shook as he placed the letter back down on the desk. He hated that he wanted to believe everything in the letter – that his father was proud of him, that his father wanted to be part of his life.He dropped his head into his hands, pushing his palms into his eyes to try and ease the pulsing pain behind them, to stop himself from fully falling apart, to stop disintegrating into nothingness.Something had to give.
*
Squall tensed as he raised his hand to Ellone’s door. It was a second floor apartment. There was a welcome mat with yellow daisies on it. He had come this far. He had nothing to lose.He knocked.No noise came from within the apartment, and Squall panicked momentarily, thinking he had picked a bad time to come, realizing he had worked up all this courage for nothing.But before he could turn and leave, the door opened, and Ellone stood there, beaming. “Hey,” she said calmly. “Come in.”Squall wiped his feet on the daisy mat and followed her through the threshold into a tiny entryway. His eyes went straight to the windows that lined the opposite wall, floor-to-ceiling panels that gave a decent view of the city skyline.The main living area of the apartment was a small but well-organized open space. To his right was a little kitchen, and straight ahead was a dark wooden dining table with four chairs. Some comfortable leather couches with wooden coffee table between them took up the far corner, providing a perfect view out the impressive windows.“Would you like some tea?” she said brightly as she bustled straight to the kettle. “Oh, um, sure,” he said.“Please, come in, Squall,” she said with a soft chuckle. “Sit down.”He took a breath and went towards the couches, taking in more surroundings as he went. Ellone seemed to have a fondness for house plants, which were on display everywhere, vines creeping over bookshelves and around light fixtures, a flowering plant in the center of the dining table, and little succulents in tiny pots on every surface. There was a painting of an old village over the wall by the dining table. He recognized the quaint little wooden houses surrounded by green hills. “Winhill?” Squall asked, gesturing to the painting.“Yes,” Ellone said, finishing up the tea.Squall sat on the couch. “Did Laguna get you this place?”Ellone gave him a guilty look as she carefully brought the two teacups to the coffee table. “Yes,” she said. “As a gift. He said he wanted to help me get on my feet.” She sat on the couch across from him and took a sip of her tea, looking at him cautiously. “We don’t have to talk about him if you don’t want to. And we don’t have to talk about whatever it was I saw the other day in the desert. We can just talk. Like normal people.”Squall took another deep breath and picked up the delicate little cup, looking at the reddish brown contents and not drinking them. It wasn’t that he didn’t want to talk about Laguna, or his weird hallucination episodes. He just didn’t know what he wanted. “Well, what did you want to talk about?” he asked, belatedly hoping he didn’t come off as annoyed.“I just want to catch up with you!” she said with a laugh. “You're my brother. I want to know what your life has been like these last, what, thirteen years?” Her eyes were dancing with a comforting sort of joy. He smiled, but the feeling soon twisted to his familiar grimace.His past thirteen years had not been good.“Do you always do this?” she asked.“Do what?”“Sit in contemplative silence when people ask you questions?”Squall looked down. It was a lighthearted question, he knew, but it stung.“I’m sorry,” she said. “No, don’t, I just–” He didn’t know what he wanted to say, but he forced his mouth to keep running anyway. Is that what people did? “I just don’t know how to describe it. My life, I mean,” he said, surprised at how natural it sounded.“Tell me about Garden,” she said mildly.He scoffed, then looked sharply up at her, realizing again how rude he was. “I’m sorry,” he said.“No,” she said with another laugh. “It’s okay, Squall. How about I start?”He studied her for another moment, and realized he had no idea what her life had been like since she left the orphanage all those years ago. “You were on the White SeeD ship all that time, right?”Ellone nodded, sipped her tea, and leaned back into the couch. “I guess…I guess you don’t really know Edea all that well, do you?”Squall shook his head. “I can’t remember her very much.”“Well, she was amazing. Still is, of course. But she was such a loving matron…so protective and caring and just…we were really lucky to have her. When I was there, at the orphanage, people had started coming looking for me again. You know, for my power.” Squall nodded.“Edea did the right thing, as painful as it was. She sent me away and started the White SeeD ship. To protect me. To constantly be on the move so no one could find me. And not long after, Edea joined me on the ship. She understood that her power made her a danger to all of you, too.”A wave of understanding hit Squall. “She joined you because she met me.”Ellone looked at him in confusion.“I – It’s complicated,” Squall said. “I got lost, when I was in time compression. I told her about SeeD. I was confused, so fucked up – it doesn’t matter. I told her about SeeD, and she saw Ultimecia, and she must have known that she was in danger.”“Ohhh,” Ellone said. “Yeah, that adds up. Oh, Squall,” she said, tone changing, “that must have been so hard.”Squall waved his hand. “It’s okay,” he said, and he felt it. Maybe not fully, but he didn’t need to dwell on it. It was the past. He would never do something like that again. He was making up for it now as best as he could. “Keep telling me what happened to you.”Ellone gave him a look. He could tell she wanted to pry, but she did not and instead continued her own story. “So, I lived on the White SeeD ship with Edea. She was so good to me. I made friends, and I learned so much, and saw so much of the world, but it was Edea who meant the most.” Ellone looked down. “She was the mother who was finally there for me.”Her words hit him with surprising force. Ellone had Edea in a way that Squall never had anyone. She really had a mother who cared for her. “I’m happy you had her,” Squall said softly.“Me, too. But yeah. She’s the reason I came looking for you.”The memories slid into place. Ellone found him at Garden last summer…and he didn’t know who she was. An anxiety was creeping up on him. Would these memories trigger another episode? Squall forced a deep breath and stared hard at Ellone, gripping the tea cup in his hand. “It was all because Edea left me. She just…disappeared one day. When she left, it was like something in me snapped. I had the White SeeDs, of course, but Edea had been my guide…my everything. And then one day she was just – gone. I didn’t know at the time that she had been possessed and hadn’t willingly abandoned me. I thought she had left me on purpose. It was unbearable. I felt crazy – my one anchor was gone, and I was unmoored.”Squall was holding his breath, both in anticipation of Ellone’s story, and for his own potential reaction. He knew what happened next, and he hadn’t realized how terrifying it must have been for Ellone at the time. “And then I found you ,” she continued, “the only other family I had in the world. And you didn’t recognize me.”Squall winced as she said it. “I’m so sorry, I never meant to forget you, I didn’t know–”Ellone held her hand up to stop him. “No, Squall, it’s really okay, I understand. There was so much more to it. You were in a very complicated situation. At the time, it was hard. I was desperate. So I brought out my old power that had lain dormant all that time…I tried to teach you, through showing you the real experience, that our family could have been wonderful…that we just needed to be together…hoping you could do something to stop Laguna from going to Esthar all those years ago…to change the past so that my messy life would instead be the picture-perfect life I thought I deserved…”“I’m sorry I couldn’t–”She stopped him again with a quick shake of her head and a gentle smile. “That’s not why I’m telling you this. None of this is your fault. It was Edea’s departure from my life that made me see this. It was the terribleness of losing my only family again that led me to see…in viewing the past… I had that love in me . Raine and Laguna had loved me so much, and then I found out that Edea hadn’t left me…she had been under Ultimecia’s spell…and I knew that Edea loved me, too. And that love was inside me. It was part of me. And I finally understood…after years of being alone on the White SeeD ship with Edea. The past is in the past. What’s most important is what’s going on right now.”They sat in silence while Squall tried to process everything she said. After a while he spoke up again, curiosity urging him on. “So you’ve been in Esthar this whole time? With Laguna?”Ellone sipped her tea again and nodded. “He was so happy to have me.”Squall sighed. Surely Laguna would be happy to get Squall a little apartment like this. He’d want family dinners, and portraits taken. Fuck, it made Squall sick to his stomach to think about.“Why do you hate him so much, Squall?”Squall looked away. The truth, he knew immediately, was that he didn’t understand why he hated Laguna. Everyone else loved the guy. Squall would have bet that any of his friends, even Rinoa, would pick Laguna as their father over anyone else.What the fuck was wrong with him that he did the opposite?“You know, I wonder just how much damage Cid did to you in that place.”Squall looked up sharply. Is that what he was? Damaged? He was.“I know enough about SeeD to get it, I think. Cid taught you to be the first one to attack. The first one to put up your guard. To never let yourself be exposed or you’d risk death. That’s too much for a child.”Squall looked away again, confused. He was supposed to be angry at Laguna right now, right? The absent father? But here was Ellone, blaming Cid again.“I don’t think Cid meant to mess me up so much–”“No, I don’t think he did,” Ellone said. “People will do crazy things when they’re scared.”Squall didn’t know what to say. His head was starting to ache and he couldn’t tell if another episode was about to come on. He sat forward, digging his elbows into his thighs and pushing his palms into his forehead.Maybe he should leave. Was he scared? Was that the right word for it? And if that’s what it was, then why? “You know, Raine was really guarded with her feelings, too.”Squall winced. “Okay, Squall, you’re starting to worry me again.”“Don’t–”“I know you’re going to tell me not to worry, but I can’t help but wonder if maybe you haven’t told anyone about whatever this is you’re going through.”“It’s just–”“Is there something happening to your memories, Squall?”He must have betrayed something in his expression because Ellone’s expression softened. “Listen, if there’s a number one memory authority in the world, it’s me,” she said gently. “What do you think about telling me what’s going on, even if it’s just for the simple fact that I might be able to help you?”Squall took a deep breath. He never considered Ellone might actually be able to help him. And that was why he came here: he knew he needed help.Each word took so much effort to get out, but he forced his mouth to work. “I think…I think I’m fucked from time compression.”Ellone set her tea on the little table between them and leaned forward, looking at him with obvious interest, and an obvious willingness to help. “Tell me.”He swallowed and forced the words out once more.“Sometimes, I…I’m not in the right time…my body is still here, but my brain goes somewhere else. When you saw me out in the desert the other day…that was the worst it’s ever been. It keeps getting worse and worse.”Ellone nodded thoughtfully. “What normally triggers it?”“I don’t know…well, yesterday, it was the first time I had junctioned in months. But other than that, it’s usually really random stuff. Once, Rinoa made a stupid joke and that was it. I was gone.”“And what snaps you out of it?”Squall thought for a moment. He had no idea what brought him back. The most reliable thing was when Rinoa touched him, but he wasn’t about to tell Ellone that.“I don’t know,” he said. “I guess, like when you shook me, that kind of thing.”Ellone leaned back into the couch, deep in thought. “I wonder how long you were really stuck in time compression…”It wasn’t really a question, but Squall felt compelled to answer. “It felt like forever. Literally. I can’t describe–” his voice broke. He had never actually talked about it out loud. Never even thought about it while he was awake. It haunted his dreams enough.She looked at him sadly. “Quistis told me a little bit about it. She said you were trapped in a time warp?”“I don’t know if that’s what you’d call it, but…I couldn’t remember anybody…I couldn’t think of the place we were supposed to meet…After a while I couldn't even remember myself…”“I wonder…” she said again. This time, though, there was no follow-up thought. She simply looked out the window at the moving city streets bustling below them, frowning.“What?” he finally asked.Ellone took a deep breath and fixed her gaze back on Squall. “I don’t want to meddle anymore,” she said, “but I’m concerned for you, and…I have a feeling I can help.”“Well…” Squall hesitated. This was why he came here. He needed to do something about his fucked-up state. He forced the words out. “I need something ,” he finally said. “I can’t very well tell Kadowaki about this. I’d be put on medical leave. I can’t – I can’t get put on medical.”Ellone’s frown deepened. “Hold on,” she said. “Why not? If you need the time off, Squall, you should take it. Your health is important. You can’t just keep pushing through–”“You don’t get it,” he said, worried again that he was being unjustly rude to her when she was only trying to help. But the words came barreling out anyway. “Rinoa’s safety relies solely on me. I’m her knight. If I’m not up to the task, I can’t – I can’t even think of what would happen. I just need to get better.”She relaxed slightly and studied him for a moment. He was grateful she avoided the implication that he had not told Rinoa about this, either. “Well, we can try something,” Ellone finally said.He waited for her to elaborate.“I haven’t used my powers since last summer when I…when I meddled with everything and solved nothing. But this…this is different. I think I can help anchor you back in your own timeline. If I…If I show you what it means to be you …I’ve been taking some classes on neurology and magic at the university…maybe what I can do is readjust the memory portion of your brain…reactivate the amygdala…strengthen the connection between the neurons…so you can recognize what was the past and what is the present.”He didn’t understand the jargon, but it sounded like he needed it. “Do it.”“But Squall, you should think about this. I don’t know if it’s going to work. When I go back in time, especially further back, it’s hard to pinpoint. We could end up seeing terrible memories. You’d have to be ready for that.”He leaned forward and looked sharply at her, his jaw set. “At any given moment, I’m bound to dissolve into whatever the fuck memory my brain decides to throw at me. Most of them are shitty. I want to do this now and see if it works.”A smile crept up her cheek again. “Always so stubborn, aren’t you?” She paused for a moment, contemplating. “Okay. I’ll do it. A few caveats, though.”He sat up straight and gave her his full attention.“I’m not going to keep going if it’s too painful for you. You have a lot of really hard memories, Squall. You did not have a pleasant upbringing. I need you to be ready for that.”“I’m ready. I can handle it. You won’t have to stop.”She nodded again. “Also, if it seems like what we’re doing is making you worse, then I’ll stop immediately. You can tell me at any time. I’ll be able to hear you. But I’m going to make the call to end it if I want to, too.”“Okay,” he agreed. He was eager to get it started. “Let’s do it.”With a determined nod, Ellone laid down on the couch. Squall set his tea on the table and copied her.“Squall,” she said quietly.He looked over. Her face was torn.“I can…I can bring you all the way back. To when…to Raine. Is that okay?”A twinge in his chest made him breathless. He was silent for a moment.“Do you think it would help?”“I don’t know,” she said. “The whole point in doing this is to make sure you’re firmly planted within your proper timeline. To know your own story…maybe it would help to know your mother. And well…seeing how much my parents loved me was really, really helpful for me.”He forced a deep breath. He didn’t necessarily want to see Raine, but if it would get his brain to stop reliving time compression, it was worth it. He could handle it. “Do it.”“Remember,” she said sternly, settling back into the couch, “I’ll be able to hear you if you need to tell me to stop. And if it feels wrong I’ll stop anyway.”“Fine,” he said. “Here goes…”Squall staved off the panic as a faint ringing resounded in his head. It was different from the ringing he had associated with his weird flashback incidents. This was the distinct sound of Ellone transporting his consciousness to the past.As the momentary panic passed, Ellone’s apartment grew dark, and Squall entered the familiar darkness.
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
Everything was warm and incomparably peaceful.
The moment lingered in darkness. Squall felt what must be his own breathing, quicker than normal, but natural and unhurried.
Slowly he gained his bearings, registering the rise and fall of another person’s breath pressing into his left side.
An emptiness was within him – a feeling he didn’t understand. No worry. No fear.
He simply existed in this warmth, wanting for nothing.
He must be a newborn baby.
The world fluttered slowly into his field of vision. He was opening and closing his eyes…his baby eyes.
The view was out of focus; his baby self had awful eyesight. There was very little color to the blur around him, like he was color blind.
Something caught his attention. A woman’s face above him, clearer than anything else.
His mother’s face.
Smiling.
Beautiful eyes.
His baby self was jubilant to catch sight of her, kicking his little legs out with excitement, hitting the confines of the swaddling clothes.
But the adult Squall inside was completely taken aback.
His mother, holding him.
“I love you, my baby,” she whispered.
And he broke.
*
Squall came to with a great shuddering gasp, heaving himself upright on Ellone’s couch and putting his face in his hands.
An immense sob echoed from deep in his chest.
“Squall…”
Ellone slid up next to him, her arm around his shoulder as he shook with silent tears. There was nothing he could do to stop them. He couldn’t even begin to try.
“I’m so sorry,” she continued, squeezing him. “I didn’t realize it would be so intense. I stopped it because, well…”
They both knew she had stopped it because that one minute was possibly the most heart-wrenching minute he’d ever experienced in his life.
Held by his dead mother, the love she emanated palpable in his every pore.
Ellone stayed in place, her arm around him, as the tears poured relentlessly from his eyes like a faucet.
He didn’t think the memory would be like that. He didn’t know
what
he’d been thinking when Ellone suggested it.
It was just surprising, was all. He had thought about her these past few weeks, but being literally held in her arms was something else.
He was just surprised. That was all.
Taking one big sniff, he wiped his eyes, sitting up straight and determined to pull himself together. Ellone removed her arm.
“We can keep going,” he said.
“It’s okay if you want to stop–”
“No,” he said, probably too forcefully, but whatever. Better to just get this over with.
Ellone looked at him, eyes full of doubt.
Rightfully so.
But this needed to be done. He could only trust Ellone with this. There could be other intense memories. Better to rip the bandage off in one sitting.
“I’m fine,” he said. “You can just…skip ahead a bit. I met my mother. Moving on.”
She sighed resignedly as she went back to the other couch.
“Okay. But I’m still going to stop if it feels too intense.”
“Whatever.”
She let out a scoffing laugh then closed her eyes. Squall did the same.
*
Squall once again felt blissfully comfortable being held in someone’s arms.
He could see much better now, so some time must have passed and his baby eyes had developed a bit more.
A familiar child’s voice rang out somewhere above his head. “He only stops crying when
I
hold him.”
The voice prompted Baby Squall to look upwards so that Adult Squall could see a young Ellone making a satisfied face. Beside them, an old man looked at her then checked his watch, uninterested in Ellone. The window over Ellone’s shoulder was dark and stormy.
Squall couldn’t see any more of the scene but it was clear: Raine was no longer alive.
As if his baby self understood this, he began kicking its little legs and gurgling in an agitated way. Ellone started to sing a little song to him.
After a while, Ellone stopped singing. Her song wasn’t working. Baby Squall was not happy.
“He’s hungry,” Ellone said wisely to the man. “You have to get his bottle.”
The old man grumbled as he got up, but Ellone didn’t seem to notice.
“We’re going to be just fine, baby Squall,” she said, smiling down at him, rocking him slightly and singing her little song again while she waited.
The old man handed her the bottle, but she looked up at him skeptically. “Did you make sure it’s not too hot? You have to pour a little on this part of your arm,” she shifted and pointed to her inner wrist. The infant Squall was starting to fuss louder, kicking harder, and Adult Squall registered the stinging pain in his gut.
Hyne, get this baby some milk.
The old man complied. “It’s fine,” he said, then handed her the bottle. “Just feed him so he doesn’t start wailing again.”
Ellone did so happily, expertly holding the bottle to the tiny baby’s mouth, who instantly stopped fussing, the relief hitting as soon as his mouth touched the rubber nipple. “That’s it, baby Squall,” she said soothingly as she stroked his little head. “The best baby brother ever. I love you, baby brother.”
*
The scene faded and Squall was in nothingness again.
Ellone’s voice spoke directly into his head. “You alright?”
“Yeah.”
“Okay. Just checking.”
…Thanks.
*
The next thing Squall felt was a slightly more controlled version of his own body toddling up hard steps. An acute pain in his legs got his attention. His pitiful self must have skinned his knees.
It was shocking how strong his child-emotions were. He must be what, two years old? And the weight of the fear, the distress, was so heavy inside him. It was scarier than any terror he had faced as a SeeD, time compression itself being the sole exception.
No, this was the distinctive panic of a small child seeking comfort.
His eyes and nose dripped pathetically. The sound of ocean waves crashed behind him. Children laughed in the distance.
The older Squall understood: he was going to be okay. Skinned knees were nothing in the grand scheme of things. But Toddler Squall felt this surely must be the end of the world. It was overwhelming.
The old stone orphanage came into view as Squall cataloged the sensations.
“Matwyn?” his pathetic toddler voice called, hiccuping with tears.
He came into the main room. Matron was standing at the far end, wearing her signature long black dress and holding a small blond child, rocking him in a way that only mothers do.
“It’s alright, Matron is here,” she said to the child in her arms, who Adult Squall assumed was crybaby Zell.
A much smaller baby in a crib began to bawl. Matron leaned impressively into the crib while still managing to hold the big boy steady. She hadn’t seen Toddler Squall come in.
Adult Squall could see what was about to happen: his skinned knees were now third in line for Matron’s attention. He wasn’t going to get the notice and care he so desperately needed.
But Toddler Squall did not make this connection and went to her anyway. She caught sight of him and her lovely face became pained.
“Oh, Squall,” she said over the wailing of the baby. Then, turning, she called to the door, “Ellone! Ellone, can you come help Squall, please? I can’t put Seifer down right now–”
A slightly older Ellone came in as Adult Squall processed his surprise of it being Seifer, not Zell, in Edea’s arms.
But Ellone’s sweetness pulled his attention back. “Oh, Squall! Did you fall down?”
Toddler Squall drew a wretched breath and collapsed into Ellone, emotion pouring out with wild abandon. Ellone hugged him and said, “Let’s get you bandaged up,” and the scene dissolved again.
All he had time to think about was how much more of a mother Ellone had been to him than anyone else in the world.
*
The first thing Squall felt next was the bitter sting of anger in his mouth. His view materialized: he was standing on the front steps of the orphanage, arms crossed over his chest, a small backpack at his feet.
A blonde child was pacing around the steps, kicking the air and ranting, just as angry externally as Squall was internally.
“It’s not FAIR!” Seifer, maybe six years old, shouted to the air. “Why couldn’t Selphie and Irvine stay with us?! And Quisty and Crybaby Zell, too? You said we could all go TOGETHER!”
But this five-year-old Squall had already learned: it wasn’t worth making such a fuss. It wasn’t worth relying on the promises of adults. They were always going to lie and leave you alone and take away anything you ever wanted. He felt his little jaw clench, the clarity of these thoughts dominating his entire young mind.
To Adult Squall’s surprise, a much younger and slimmer Cid Kramer came out from the doorway behind them, carrying boxes and loading them into a van. He was dressed similarly to how he dressed now: like a college professor, golden-rimmed glasses on the edge of his nose, brown patches on the elbows of his dark green cardigan.
“I know what I said, Seifer,” Cid said with impatience, tossing the boxes into the back of the van, “but we’ve gone over this. The other Gardens need children, too. Irvine and Selphie were well-behaved enough to go on their own. And I can’t change the fact that Quistis and Zell were adopted. You know we must make the best with what we have.”
Seifer wasn’t having it. “I don’t CARE. You made Matron go away and now–”
“Seifer,” Cid said in warning. He walked up to them and looked at Seifer with narrowed eyes. “You know very well that I couldn’t just send you off. Your behavior has been unacceptable. I have to keep my eye on you personally.” He looked at Squall. “You both need the discipline that Garden is going to give you. And you should consider yourselves lucky: Balamb Garden is beautiful. And soon there will be lots of other children there to meet.”
Seifer yelled and kicked at the stone steps, his unbridled anger a vicarious outlet for Squall.
“Get in the van, boys,” Cid said, all patience gone.
Child Squall clenched his jaw again, picked up his backpack, and followed orders.
*
Next, Squall was sitting in a recognizable classroom at Garden, his desk at the back center of the room, bright fluorescent lights overhead.
Even then he had tried to separate himself, avoiding the attention of sitting in the front. Isolating himself from his classmates.
They were all still rather young, probably seven or eight years old. Most of them were sitting quietly, listening to the teacher give a lecture about the guardian forces.
Child Squall was taking in every word, dutifully copying notes off the board. Squall could sense the urgency his child-self felt: he had to learn everything. Understand everything. Follow every rule, ace every test, and
then
he could get out of this place and not have to rely on teachers anymore. Not have to deal with the idiot children around him.
Something light tapped the side of his head. He turned and saw none other than a smirking Seifer Almasy to his left, pretending nothing had happened.
Squall grunted angrily under his breath but brought his attention forward again.
Not two seconds later, the same
tap
on the side of his head.
That stupid idiot had been throwing something at him.
Squall turned sharply, anger flaring red hot. Apparently this was an easy button, and Seifer had probably been pushing it too often lately.
Seifer looked back at Squall with a silent “What?” and a shrug, his fake-innocence making Squall boil.
“Stop it,” Squall hissed, desperate to hear the rest of the lesson.
The third time was too much. Without thinking, Squall got up and shoved Seifer’s desk, sending his papers and textbooks sliding off onto the floor. “Stop it!” he yelled.
“Cadet Leonhart!”
Squall’s anger flared again at the injustice of it, but Ellone ended the scene, bringing him to darkness once more.
*
Several similar scenes followed. He watched as Quistis arrived at Garden, too popular to socialize with Squall. Seifer’s presence was always there, both entertaining him and tormenting him in equal measure.
Two distinct things stood out to Squall as he watched the various scenes: for one thing, he was an intensely serious kid compared to everyone else around him. The other was that this seriousness made him immeasurably lonely and miserable.
This wasn’t necessarily surprising in itself, it was just…odd…to see it,
feel
it, so clearly.
But his child-self reasoned that this was the logical thing. The necessary thing.
Ellone showed him a scene in which Squall attended a Garden Festival (he must have been fifteen or so) and felt an aching loneliness gnawing at his gut.
Adult Squall could see the misery so clearly, but Young Squall didn’t even notice it. It was so ever-present that it was like breathing to him.
And then, with the next scene, everything changed.
He was in Garden again, but a new sensation, a new confusion, had entered his psyche.
Rinoa.
She was the first thing on his mind as he paced his room. His present-self remembered this moment: Garden was floating aimlessly, he was holed up in his room, lost in his muddled confusions.
Thinking about her.
He didn’t understand it then, but Rinoa had taken the discomfort he had lived with his entire life – that desperate, burning misery and emptiness – and poked at it. Rubbed it in his face. Showed him the true depths of his loneliness.
And something about what she had done had given him a new kind of courage. Of course, his past self was stubbornly opposed to the idea that she – a naive, silly girl – could teach him anything about himself, about life.
But she did.
His past self kicked the chair at his desk, and his present self felt a jolt of understanding.
He wished he could shake his past self, tell him:
Just let her love you!
*
There was an intense pressure in his chest. White light filled his vision and he was blinking hard.
Present-day Squall knew this sensation. He would never forget this feeling.
Sure enough, his past self took in an incredibly deep breath, a breath of life, as his eyes flew open.
Rinoa’s face was above him, her smile so beautiful, her eyes red and soaked in tears.
“Squall! Squall, you’re okay! You’re okay!!” She raised her voice. “He’s alive!”
He sputtered out a cough, his body rejecting whatever hell it had just been through.
I’m alive?
It was all he could do to stare at her, a whirlwind of color around them, outlining her shining face.
She saved me…she found me…How?
Other voices soon resounded around them, all of them joyful, but still he stared at Rinoa, and she stared back at him.
“You’re alive…how did I…”
It felt as though they were bound together, like a string or a rope tied his chest to hers, and he felt the pull towards her, though he could not move. He only breathed.
“Are you okay?” she asked, realizing he wasn’t moving. “Can you say something?”
He swallowed, the bitter taste that had been in his mouth was gone. “I–” he coughed again. “I’m okay.”
Shortly, in his line of vision he saw the whirl of colors was settling down, and the faces of his friends all appeared, sweating and dirty, their smiles huge. Selphie, gripping her cheeks like this was the best shock of her life. Irvine, looking relieved and stunned. Zell punching the air and almost tackling Rinoa. And Quistis, tears in her eyes as she bit her lip.
They were all there. His friends. They all had that similar feeling of a pulling in his chest. Like he needed them. Like they could lead him where he needed to be.
But Rinoa…Rinoa’s pull was strongest. He closed his eyes again and reveled in the incredible bliss of that connection. It was like he could feel her love as a physical presence in that place in his chest. It fortified him.
And as he lay there, with his eyes closed, he was certain it was that feeling that had forced his heart to pump again, forced his lungs to take that breath.
Her love. Her love had brought him back to life.
*
The blackness came again.
Ellone’s voice. “Squall?”
“Okay, okay, let me wake up now.”
His consciousness returned, and he sat bolt upright on the couch, mind racing.
Thoughts cascaded through him…realizations of who he was, as a whole person…not just a number, not just a knight, not just a forgotten or abandoned son and brother…
Something had clicked. He understood – he understood everything.
“Hey,” she said, sitting up opposite him. “How are you doing after all that?”
The thoughts weren’t funneling down into his mouth properly. He sputtered to himself, trying to summarize this understanding, this enlightenment.
He was a sum of all of his parts. He had a piece of everyone he knew within him. But he was
himself
.
“I get it,” he said, pulse racing, feeling lighter than he’d felt in ages. “I have to do it myself. I’m the only one who can make myself fucking grow up, I
can
be in control of my life–”
“Squall, I don’t–”
“No, no, let me finish,” he said. He had to get this out. “I have to be the one to decide that I can change, but everyone else…you, and Rinoa, and Quistis, Zell, Irvine, Selphie…you’re all there to help me. I couldn’t do it without you, without them, but
I
have to be the one who's willing to do it. I…I have to go,” he said abruptly, standing.
“Okay,” she said, laughing uncomfortably as she stood with him. “Are you – are you alright?”
“Yeah, I’m good – I really am. I have to see Rinoa.”
*
Squall made his way quickly back to Garden, his thoughts clearer than they’d ever been.
There had been so much stacked against him…so much loneliness and abandonment…and he coped with it the best way he could. The best way a child could.
But his coping was only helpful to a certain point. His stubbornness to remain isolated from anyone else was, in the end, more hurtful than anything.
He couldn’t expect Rinoa to save him every time. She had taught him the lesson: He had the power within himself now to reach out and connect with those around him. Today, Ellone had shaken him from the dust of his ruined mind, and in time compression, Rinoa had been the one to do it, but it couldn’t keep happening like that. He couldn’t keep failing to this extent.
He understood, now. Squall had to be the one to help himself, but his friends were there if he needed them. He had the tools to make better choices now. He could design a path for himself.
He loved Rinoa. It wasn’t fair to expect her to save him over and over again. She still loved him, even if she couldn’t save him this time. She was still there, and still his angel. He felt an overwhelming pull towards her, to find her, and tell her everything he had learned.
He made straight for their dorm. When he opened the door he was surprised to find Rinoa in bed. Had she not left since this morning?
She peered up at him from behind the covers before looking away.
Were her eyes red? Had she been crying?
Fuck, what happened?
He didn’t know what to do. Seeing her cry made him feel a pain deep in his chest. He sat down on the bed.
“Are you okay?” he asked. It felt stupid even as he asked. She surely didn’t
look
okay.
She was silent for a moment.
Silent.
Rinoa was never silent.
She definitely was not okay.
“I’m fine,” she finally said, not looking at him.
A wash of helplessness came over him. It was deflating, finding Rinoa like this, when he had just worked up all of this excitement.
It all stacked inside of him – the admiration, the love, the understanding – everything he wanted to pour out to her, to hold her and kiss her and breathe her in again.
An awkwardness filled the space, the pressure building. He couldn’t possibly say any of his grand statements with her laying there looking like a zombie. It didn’t even seem like he should touch her.
“Well, I…” he looked around the room, searching for something to say. “Can I do anything for you? Can I get you something?”
“No.”
The pressure of his intense feelings pushed at the inside of his skull.
Rinoa pulled the covers over and hid her face.
What was he supposed to do now?
“Do you want me to leave you alone?”
“Okay,” she said, her voice dull.
He sat in stunned silence.
After a long stretch of wondering what the fuck he should do, Squall left and paced the hallways of Garden, confounded.
A real knight would know what to do. How to fix the situation.
But what could he do? Rinoa was upset, probably upset with
him
, arguably for good reason. He had been distant for days now (or was it weeks?) – disappearing off without seeing her for most of their waking hours.
But still. Rinoa pushing him away felt like a punishment. As if she was single-handedly crushing the amazing epiphany he had just come to.
Anger flared up inside of him, but it was muddled with confusion. He had no right to be angry with Rinoa.
What was his epiphany, anyway? He had been so sure of himself, running through the city, so intent on telling Rinoa everything he had come to understand on Ellone’s couch. For a moment it felt as if it had all happened to someone else. It was disorienting as he walked around the halls, trying to figure out what to do.
He wanted to explain everything to her – that he was still so grateful for her, that he understood how important she was, and all of his friends – but the idea of talking vulnerably to her right now was daunting. She’d just shut him down.
He had to
do
something.
But what?
He had friends now. Like new gears forcing themselves to clink together and move, Squall forced himself to consider their help.
With a groan, he knew exactly which friend he had to go to.
*
Irvine Kinneas was in the quad, sitting beside a giggling SeeD cadet.
Squall braced himself before heading over, his face flushing with heat as he walked up to them.
Better just spit it out
. “Um, Irvine?” he interrupted.
Irvine looked up from under the brim of his hat, always with that easy smile. “What can I do for you, commander man?”
“Um, can I talk to you? About something?”
“Sure thing. Hey, you,” he said to the cadet, “I’ll see you around.” He gave her a wink and she giggled again before leaving to sit with her friends across the quad.
“Rinoa?” Irvine asked as soon as the cadet was out of earshot.
Squall plunked down next to him on the bench and sighed. How did he know? Was it that obvious?
Irvine laughed. “She’s been in
quite
a mood recently. What did you do?”
Squall looked up at him, offended. “What makes you think
I
did something?”
“Come on, Squall,” Irvine said kindly, a doubtful brow raised. “You went from zero to a hundred with Rinoa. You never had a girlfriend before, you never even
thought
about having a girlfriend before, and all of a sudden y'all are cohabitating. What did you expect? You thought a girl like Rinoa was going to be a walk in the park?”
Squall didn’t like anything Irvine was saying, but he gritted his teeth and tried not to be insulted. This is why he came to Irvine: for hard facts. He knew he was clueless.
“Well, that’s why I’m here, isn’t it?”
“All right, all right,” Irvine said, “I’ll give you a secret: it probably doesn’t matter what you did. You probably just aren’t making her feel
special
, you know?”
Squall pondered the thought. Special? Rinoa was the most special person he knew. She knew he felt that way. He had asked if he could be her knight. They spent most hours of the day together, and slept beside each other every night. “We already…cohabitate, what else should I do?” Squall said.
As soon as the words came out of his mouth, he realized what he was asking himself.
What was the next level of their relationship? Marriage? The thought was startling, but not as much as he would have thought. They were just so young, was all. He saw marriage in their future, certainly, but not until they were much older.
Irvine seemed to miss Squall’s internal struggle. He leaned back, crossing one leg over his knee, and looked at Squall. “Well, I have a strong feeling that you are into the status-quo. Keep everything easy, steady as she goes, right?”
“What’s wrong with that?”
Irvine shook his head and sighed like an old sage. “You gotta always be chasing her, man. You gotta wine and dine her, and do exciting things. Have you even taken her out on an actual date?”
“Well, I did, the one time…” he said, only realizing how badly it sounded as the words left his mouth. Their one date, ice cream back in Balamb Town, was ages ago.
“Okay, that’s step one, admit your weakness. Step two: do something nice. Immediately. I suggest flowers. Step three: take her out on a date. You’ve got about a thousand Esthari restaurants to pick from. I passed by this place the other day that teaches salsa dancing to couples. There’s museums, parks, a theater downtown…you have a large array of choices, commander. Pick something and do it as soon as possible.”
Squall felt like he should be writing this down. He repeated the instructions in his head: admit that he messed up, get her flowers, take her out to dinner.
This could be a turning point. This was doable. If Squall could do anything, it was follow directions. Now that he
had
directions, he could save the situation. He could make her see that he really loved her. That he wasn’t messing around.
He was suddenly pumped up. “Okay,” he said, nodding to himself. “I can do flowers and a date. I can do that.”
“Yes, you can! You got this.” Irvine clapped him on the back. Squall felt himself smile. He never thought in a million years that he’d be here, with Irvine Kinneas, having a heart-to-heart about wooing women.
*
It took Squall far too long to find a flower shop in Esthar. He probably should have asked Ellone before barreling off down the confusing city streets, but it was too late for that now.
Once he finally located a florist, he stared at the wall of flowers. Everything looked so trite and common. Rinoa deserved something unique and inspiring.
The florist offered to help him many times, but Squall refused. He wanted to pick the flowers himself.
He inspected roses and daisies, tulips and sunflowers. As he looked, the task allowed his mind to clink forward, the new gears finding a new groove and helping him figure his shit out.
Rinoa had been the one to wake him up out of his stupid lonely way of life. She had made him see the world with a whole new spectrum of color…he saw life now in a way he never would have thought possible.
He could never let himself forget that. She had called him out and pushed him past his limited way of thinking – that it wasn’t just misery and duty for the rest of his life.
It was amazing, really, that he and Rinoa had found each other at all. An amazing set of coincidences that led them to be together, which in turn caused Rinoa to call him out on his shit, which eventually led to Squall waking up and seeing that life could be so much more.
He decided it would be best to just pick what he thought were the most interesting looking flowers and put them all together. He found some pretty pink and red flowers that looked like small wild roses. Then, some yellow ones that stuck out a bit like cones, then some small blue bunches. At the last second he picked a tiny white spray.
Squall bunched the flowers together in this hand. He had no idea what he was doing, but it looked good. It looked real, like he had actually picked it out, and not some florist who didn’t know anything about Rinoa.
He presented the bunch to the florist. “How much?”
The florist regarded him curiously. “Do you need a job?”
“What?”
“That bouquet…it’s gorgeous. I’ve taken on apprentices who spend years and they don’t get like that. You…you get it.”
Squall sighed. They were just flowers. “How much?”
The florist shook his head, but finally gave the price and Squall paid.
It wasn’t until he was out in the open air, grasping the bunch hopefully in his hand, that he remembered.
Nobody understood flowers as well as Raine.
With a confusing lump in his throat, Squall walked slowly back to Garden, his thoughts muddled again.
Was he really like his mother? Was she sullen sometimes, and guarded?
Or was this something Laguna would do, in his incompetent way?
It made his head hurt to think about it. And ultimately, he realized, it didn’t matter.
He was himself.
*
With the bunch of flowers in his hand, Squall felt like an idiot marching through Garden. It was obvious that he was the dumb boyfriend looking for the girlfriend that he had wronged.
Whatever. It didn’t matter. He was excited and nervous to bring her the flowers. Would it work?
He made his way to the second floor, almost bumping into Edea as he got off the elevator. Edea was rarely around Garden anymore.
She usually seemed very happy to see Squall, but presently she looked reprovingly at him, glancing pointedly at the flowers.
“Those are a very good idea, Squall,” she said. “She’s on the balcony.”
And with a gentle grip to his arm, Edea glided past him to the elevator.
As Squall made his way briskly down the hall, he tried to formulate a plan. What would he say to her? Irvine said he should say sorry. He put the bunch behind his back and reached for the door handle to the balcony. Maybe the flowers would speak for him.
To his surprise, the balcony door opened just as he was about to reach for the handle.
Rinoa blinked rapidly and looked at him, fear and curiosity in her eyes.
Squall swallowed. He should have thought of something to say. He hated that she seemed scared to talk to him. It was like her fear made a barrier around her – made it hard to understand what she needed. He just wanted to have her in his arms again.
The air shifted, and she looked him hard in the eye. “Hey,” she said coyly. It made him feel light. She was willing to talk to him. That was good.
“Hey,” he said.
The gratefulness must have shown on his face, because Rinoa smiled beautifully and reached for his hand. Squall squeezed back. His lifeline.
"What are you up to?" she said in a voice so sweet it made his head spin. She was back. They were back.
He swallowed again and gripped the bouquet tighter behind his back. "Just looking for you."
"Oh," she said happily.
This moment felt so wonderful already. He brought out the flowers and she gasped, her expression transforming to the most beautiful look of admiration. Everything was okay. His love was back. He was back. He might as well do the thing properly and apologize.
"I know I've been a bit difficult lately," he began, but she cut him off with a forceful embrace, wrapping her arms around his neck and kissing him.
His body reacted faster than his brain – as if it knew the importance of this touch, this moment. His arms gripped her tighter than ever and he kissed her back with a hunger he didn’t realize had been sitting on.
“I love you,” he said into her ear.
She responded with another crashing kiss to his mouth.
Here it was again: that connection, that touch – it all meant so much more than just some primal instinct. He wanted her entire love.
She read his mind. “Let’s go to the room,” she said throatily into his ear.
He craved her with a new urgency, but something had changed within him.
They got to the room and it was suddenly his priority to act his adoration for her, to kneel at her feet and give her whatever she wanted. His own pleasure was just a small part of this act. It was the shared enjoyment – the togetherness, the closeness, the oneness.
She unbuckled his belt and his pants and he didn’t stop her, but his body slowed. He wanted every second of this to be the bliss it should be. Before she could do anything else he took her hands in his and walked her to the bed. There, he laid her down, running his hands over her still-clothed body, taking in every inch of her with his hands and his eyes.
Rinoa shivered under his touch. He knelt between her legs and ran his hands over her breasts last, and she made the most incredible expression of anticipation that he had ever seen.
“Oh, Squall,” she said, and he thought for a moment that she might cry.
Slowly he lifted her shirt, exposing her belly, where he placed slow kisses as he lifted her shirt more and more.
The same mixture of feelings came to him: excitement and relief and gratefulness. He helped her remove her clothes and lowered himself onto her.
He couldn’t figure out what made this moment so powerful. It was just
more
this time. More than just a feverish chance for release. He always thought about how much he loved her when they made love, but this was
more
. They had each other completely.
*
Later, they lay there, wrapped around each other, basking in the beauty of the moment. After a while, he told her everything he could think of, pouring out his gratitude in the best words he could find, his tears freely joining his flowing words.
He knew he sounded stilted and cliche, but he didn’t care. He wanted her to know everything in his heart.
She was crying, too, and she gazed at him rapturously.
Holding her like this, Squall couldn’t help but think of how light he felt. All of his burdens were gone when he could just hold her. He was floating, weightless, in a cloud that was their bed. Nothing else mattered. All the shit in his head was somehow so much easier to deal with – it was all possible with Rinoa here, lifting him out of his mess.
"You are the most incredible person I've ever known, Squall."
He couldn’t take it anymore, so he buried his face into her hair and silently stroked her until they drifted off to sleep.
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
“Any new business, sir?” Squall asked upon entering the headmaster’s office. It was an attempt to cut Cid’s usual small talk: How was breakfast this morning? Did you get enough sleep? They’d get so much more done if Cid could stop yammering away.“Ah, good morning, Squall.” Cid looked up from shuffling things around on his desk and gave Squall a smile. “Yes, right to it, as usual. No faffing about for us. Yes, let’s see…” He leafed through a stack of papers and pulled out what he was looking for. “Our promised discussion topic for today: What’s Next. What comes after Esthar. We won’t be here forever. So. Let’s chat.”Squall settled into his usual leather chair, his eyes traveling to the huge window behind Cid, blankly watching the swirling clouds that had settled over the desert. Leaving Esthar. The idea was not without its complications.Leaving Esthar now meant leaving his sister. Over the past few weeks following Ellone’s “home movies,” as she called it, Squall often wandered to her apartment when the busyness of the headmaster’s office got to be too much. It was so easy to talk to her. So much more comforting than he’d thought possible. She always had a cup of tea (which he sometimes actually drank) and a wise way of reminding him that he was allowed to be human, and grow, and make mistakes, and learn from them. Regular visits to Ellone made him a better leader. Squall appreciated her so much that he had even suggested that she come and live on board Garden. He offered to create a full-time job for her, in which she could help with the restructuring of the curriculum and phasing back in the use of the GFs. Ellone was flattered at the offer, sentimental even, but she had declined. She was devoted to her research at Esthar University, and would never leave Esthar without finishing her degree. Plus Ellone seemed to love the vibrancy of the city: the cutesy tea shops, the little parks in the university district, meeting new people everywhere she went.Nevermind that she actually liked Laguna and wanted to be around him.Ellone was happy in Esthar.Cid cleared his throat, bringing Squall’s attention out of the clouds. “I thought you might, um, want to know…” he hedged, “Laguna is considering closing Esthar again after we depart.”An empty feeling settled in Squall’s stomach. The unasked question lingered in the air: Was Laguna’s decision based on Squall’s complete denial of their relationship? “I don’t know, it’s up to you, of course, but I thought you might want to speak with him–”“I’m not doing that,” Squall said. Cid raised his eyebrows and shifted in his chair. “Yes, of course,” he cleared his throat again. “Moving on. The Future of Garden. It’s time to move forward on the deal with Trabia Garden. Hyne knows they need the help, and maybe if we reach out with a newer, gentler offer, they might be ready to finally accept.”Back to business. Thankfully. “Yes, sir. Do you think they’d be more inclined if we threw in the monster eradication effort? In addition to the reconstruction?”“Absolutely. Work with Quistis and Xu to make an alternating schedule for SeeDs and cadets. They can present it to the Trabian faculty. And then you and I will talk to them about the curriculum and hiring ideas you’ve had.”Squall nodded, momentarily acknowledging the pride of getting the exact changes he wanted. Ellone had taught him that trick, recognizing when things were good. It was encouraging. “Sir, I’d like to have Selphie Tilmitt in on the meetings.”“Good point, my boy. We’ll call her in. I have to say,” Cid tilted his head and looked wistful, “it’s a true joy to see you all thriving. All of you from the orphanage, I mean. Edea and I were just discussing the other day. Irvine’s doing rather well in his training, isn’t he? And Zell–”“Any other new business, sir?” “Yes, yes, yes. Of course.” Cid spread the stack of memos across his desk until he found the one he wanted, agonizingly slow as he peered through his glasses. “Ah, here it is. We’ve had several sightings of Seifer reported in Deling City. He doesn’t seem to be doing anything outwardly dangerous – I guess these people are alarmed when they see him and they call the authorities. The SeeDs we have surveilling him have also reported that he’s often on his own now, only occasionally meeting up with Raijin and Fujin.”Of all the business they had to deal with, Seifer surveillance was the most annoying of all. Squall could imagine Seifer, overly confident smirk smeared on his face, strutting through the streets of the old city, shedding his goons like he was too good for them.“It’s really a shame,” Cid continued with a sigh. “I’m concerned with him being on his own. Raijin and Fujin weren’t – well, they weren’t a great influence over him, but I think they at least kept him grounded. My intuition tells me to send another undercover SeeD to Deling.”Squall scoffed. What he really wanted was to be done with keeping tabs on Seifer. Wash his hands of the whole memory of him and let him live out his stupid life. Seifer would likely wind up dead that way. Best-case scenario.“Now, I know you’re not too keen on the subject,” Cid said with a pointed look, “but you know as well as I do that we are the only people in the world keeping an eye on him. The experience last year was enough to…well, to rattle him. He should not be alone.”“Fine,” Squall said, barely stopping himself from rolling his eyes. “Just, I’d prefer if we don’t send one from the team.” “Of course,” Cid said, sorting his messy papers and putting them in a haphazard pile. After he made a show of clearing off his desk, he leaned forward on his elbows. “Now that’s done, we have to talk about Rinoa.”The familiar sting returned to Squall’s chest.“What about her?” Squall asked reflexively, stupidly. He knew exactly what Cid was talking about.Despite their tearful reconciliation several weeks ago, Squall’s concern for Rinoa ran in the background of his every thought. Rinoa was still quieter than she should be, still distant and distracted, often tired or sick in bed with a cold.She wasn’t happy. She needed something, but he didn’t know what.Squall kept telling himself he was ready to do whatever it took to help her. They had time to figure it out. If he thought about it long enough, what he really needed was for her to just tell him what she needed. But she was all clammed up. For now, he could give her whatever comfort she required. He could make her feel “special,” as Irvine suggested.If he could figure out how to do that.“I was wondering if you might want to broach the subject of having her join SeeD. I know she’s been hesitant–”“Because she hates SeeD,” Squall interrupted, “for good reason.”Cid gave him a rare impatient look. “Squall, you speak as if we haven’t spent the better part of a year restructuring and reforming the idea of SeeD to be a force for good in the world. The very thing that Rinoa was trying to do when she tried to help the resistance in Timber. I think the time is ripe to ask her if she’d like to officially join.”“I just don’t see it happening,” he said, trying hard to remain civil when his own frustration was building in his veins, remembering Rinoa’s disdain for how Squall blindly followed orders. SeeDs were still expected to do that. “She hates school, anyway.”“Well, perhaps she’d like to work for Garden in a different capacity. Edea pointed out that I could use a personal assistant to help with this…disaster.” He gestured to the scattered papers and piles all over his desk.Squall actually laughed. “Rinoa? Help you stay organized? Have you met her?”“Squall, you judge too soon. You’ve never seen her in a professional capacity. Maybe she could thrive. We know she’s very smart. But I understand, I understand. We can ask around Garden and see if there are other meaningful jobs she could take on. I see her wandering around, you know. I see how…listless she looks.”Squall’s mood darkened considerably. “I’m doing everything I can,” he said defensively. “Edea and I wonder if she may need an outlet. You know, for her powers–”“Absolutely not.” The idea made him tense. Rinoa still regarded her powers as something she could never, ever use. She was terrified of them. He couldn’t imagine bringing up the subject.Squall was spared from a potential argument with Cid by a knock on the door. “Yes?” Cid asked.Xu poked her head in. “Sir, the president is here with his advisors.”Squall’s stomach dropped as if the floor beneath them had vanished. “What–”“Oh, yes, yes,” Cid said, avoiding eye contact with Squall. “Send him in. I completely forgot that was today.”Kiros entered first, tall and slim, his dreadlocks long down his back. He greeted Squall with a polite smile. Beside him was Ward, even taller and more intimidating with his bald head and red scar down the side of his face. Ward did not smile, but Squall knew him well enough to know that the slight bow of his head was one of respect. Squall braced himself, then considered how he would kill Cid later.“Hey, Squall!”Laguna stepped between the other two men. Squall instinctively covered his face with one hand. What the fuck.“I, um,” Cid said, clearing his throat, “I do think this would be easier in the meeting room, if you would come with me.”Cid led the way, followed by Xu, and Squall jogged quickly behind Cid so as to not wind up next to Laguna. Cid said nothing but shot Squall a look that clearly said, “Behave yourself.”Squall was so tempted to shout and stamp his feet at Cid; to demand why in the hell he sprung this particular meeting with no warning. But he followed Cid anyway, reluctantly sitting beside him at the large table. Xu sat as well, shooting him a look of confusion.Laguna sat at the opposite side with Kiros and Ward, Ward just barely able to fit in the chair. Squall stared straight into the polished table top, considering what it would feel like to spontaneously combust.“Thank you for coming in this morning, Mr. President,” Cid said respectfully. Squall had to suppress an actual growl. This meeting had indeed been preplanned. No one had the decency to warn him.“Glad to be here,” Laguna said in his annoyingly jovial way, still ignoring Squall’s obvious contempt. “I know we’ve got some assessing to do. But I’ll break the ice: your SeeDs have done amazing work so far.”Laguna cleared his throat and continued the business chatter for several minutes, detailing the numbers of the monster reduction and the impact SeeD had so far. Cid spoke to him on Squall’s behalf; the headmaster had guessed correctly that Squall wasn’t going to open his mouth. But as the two men were talking, Xu taking notes and inserting her own questions, Squall couldn’t help but glance up at Laguna’s face. He still couldn’t believe that this man was his father. This man, who chased women and traveled the world, and was in the army, and was imprisoned. He was such a fool, and yet here he was, president of one of the most powerful nations on earth.Squall stewed in disbelief, his gut twinging as the thoughts swirled angrily.The conversation continued without him. Eventually the anger stilled, and it was as if the thoughts settled into place, a new understanding unlocked.No. No no no.Soldier. World traveler. Fool and accidental leader.He wasn’t…he couldn’t be…Squall was describing himself. The denial crumbled and Squall slumped into his cushioned chair, detailing every miserable thought to himself.Squall, too, was a romantic, who had fallen in love hard and fast. He was someone who completely broke the rules if necessary, and someone who wound up in a position that was far above his earned experience.And Squall was a fool, too. He knew it. He only had to ask Rinoa.Should he stop being so stupid and reach out to Laguna, the way Laguna so desperately wanted? By avoiding Laguna, was Squall being stubborn, just for stubbornness’s sake? Maybe, if he brooded on it long enough like this…maybe some weird part of Squall wanted to reach out to Laguna, too. Something stopped him anyway. Like an old, worn-down path in the dirt, Squall slipped back into distancing himself from someone who wanted closeness. He had closeness, with Rinoa, and Ellone, and all his friends. He didn’t need any more. The worst part was that he knew, with full lucidity, that he was being stupid. It didn’t seem to matter, though. The logic was there, but the pounding in his head, the weakness of his willpower, made him feel like he was covered in a thick fog. He didn’t have the strength to push it away.Suddenly, Laguna looked to his right, and Squall saw his own nose outlined in the silhouette.It was too much. He looked away, and pushed the thoughts well into the back of his mind. He didn’t want to think about it anymore.And lucky for Squall, the meeting was over. They didn't need him there at all.Everyone stood and shook hands. Laguna smiled at Squall. “Hey, I really didn’t mean to startle you. If you ever want to talk, just know that I’m here. Whenever you’re ready.”
I don’t know if I’ll ever be ready.
Laguna took a deep breath and looked away, abruptly changing the subject. “We better get out of your hair. I know you guys are always busy over here. Oh, but if you’re not doing anything on Tuesday night, there’s going to be an epic meteor shower. I’ve seen it a few times and it is something really spectacular. You gotta get away from the city lights, though. It’ll be due east over that mountain range over there; you won’t miss it. Unless it’s cloudy, so hopefully it’s not, heh.” A meteor shower? Stargazing?No.No no no.He couldn’t take such a great idea from Laguna.Could he?Cid ushered him towards the door as Laguna rambled, thanking Laguna for the recommendation and for coming to meet with them.A vision of Rinoa’s eyes sparkling in the starlight made Squall suddenly lightheaded. She would love to go stargazing with him, he just knew it. This was the date he had been looking for. This would be the thing to get her back to feeling better. Give the two of them a fresh start.As soon as the room cleared out, Squall turned to Cid. “Sir, may I have permission to view the meteor shower?”Cid chuckled. “Absolutely, my boy. And you know…maybe…wait here for a moment,” he wandered off to his private quarters and came back a moment later. To Squall’s astonishment, Cid handed him a bottle of red wine. “Take this. This will make the night very special.”Squall stood there, stunned, holding the wine. “Thank you, sir.”
*
The SeeD graduation ball was finally upon Garden. Their time in Esthar was coming to an end. Squall felt cautiously optimistic about it all. Departing the now-bustling city seemed like a good next step.Squall watched as Rinoa flitted across the ballroom, like a glittery golden breeze in matching heels. The seriousness of the occasion was not lost on him: one year since he and Rinoa had met. One year since she dug him out of the hole of loneliness he had been living in. One year since the world went to shit in a day, and she saved him.“Is she okay?” Irvine asked him, cocking his head lightly towards Rinoa, who had gone to talk to Edea.Squall looked closer. He couldn’t tell if Rinoa was nervous or just being her usual fidgety self. He smiled to himself when he realized she never fidgeted when he was touching her. She would likely glide over to him in a minute, seeking his hand in hers. Hyne, that was a nice thought.“I think so,” Squall answered.“Remember: apologize, flowers, and date. Works every time.”Squall chuckled. Irvine’s plan had definitely worked – the flowers, the apology, the meteor shower – it all added up to a devotion between Squall and Rinoa that he’d never thought possible.Despite it all, though, Rinoa’s mood sometimes flailed wildly, like a clock pendulum on its own schedule. It was difficult. She swung between intense passion for him to frustrated outbursts or despairing isolation. But he always grit his teeth and reached deep for whatever patience he could give her. He gave her space when she seemed to need it. He gave her affection whenever she seemed to need it. They still had a lot to work out. They had time to figure it out. And he knew – he knew – she was getting restless on board Garden. He often found her sitting and staring out of the window of their dorm. It was almost as if he could feel her longing to have something in her life. Something he just didn’t know how to provide. He could never bring himself to talk to Rinoa about taking classes or working for Garden. There was something about her these days, something…intangible. They had moved into a new place in their relationship where words didn’t seem necessary. Not that he had ever been great with words, but he remembered talking late into the night with her, every night, telling her things he’d never told anyone else. But now…he had told her everything. There was nothing left but to be in her company. Rinoa had always found words easily, but now, she seemed to be slowing down. Instead of long, excitable monologues about her favorite books, she would gaze into his eyes for long silent stretches, as if she was looking for something.Squall often felt a pulling in his chest when she did that. Like she was the only one who had been able to pierce through, and she was finding her place within his heart, and settling there, safe with him.Quistis and Selphie suddenly skirted past on the dance floor, arm in arm and giggling about something, bringing Squall back to the moment.“Has your method worked on that one yet?” Squall asked.“Pshaw,” Irvine said with an arrogant look. Irvine didn’t have to clarify that Squall was talking about Selphie. “That one is too good for even me. And besides, the method is only when you mess up something you already have. Gotta be in the relationship first.”Squall chuckled again. “Sorry, man,” Squall said. “Nah, it’s okay,” Irvine said. “Leaves me free to chase other beautiful women.” He gave an annoying wiggle of his eyebrows while glancing at an attractive woman at the bar, and downed the rest of his champagne.“You sure you’re not just trying to make Selphie jealous?”Irvine looked at him shrewdly with that cocky smirk. “Don’t you go overanalyzing me, commander man. You keep that shit to yourself.”Squall smiled to himself as Irvine walked away, Rinoa striding up to take his place.He recognized the look on her face: eyebrows raised high, closed-mouth smile that seemed to stretch her cheeks too wide. She was pretending to be happy.Shit.The past few months had awarded him plenty of practice with this look. Ignoring it was disastrous, but confronting it head on was even worse. It was time to try a new tactic.“Hey,” he said gently, reaching his hand out to wrap around her waist. She always liked that. “What’s up?”But she was awkward beneath his hand. “What?” she said. She was blinking a lot.“Rinoa,” he said. “What's going on?”She heaved an impatient sigh. “What are you talking about, Squall? I’m trying to have a nice evening.”He withdrew his hand, frustration flooding him. Was this a game for her? He bit back the exasperation. “Why can’t you just tell me what’s wrong?”“Nothing’s wrong,” she hissed. “Rinoa,” he said warningly. “Can we go out to the balcony?” she asked, her lips a tight line in her fake smile.Shit. She was going to take him out there and yell at him, and he didn’t even know why. Surely people would be able to hear if they got into an argument out there. He contemplated refusing, or demanding they go back to the dorm instead, but she looked scarily impatient, as though she might yell at him right there in front of everyone. He quickly nodded and followed her out into the moonlight to avoid the impending scene.As soon as they were out of sight of the other guests, she startled him by wrapping her arms tightly around him, breathing heavily into his chest as sobs wracked her body.Awkwardly he placed his arms around her, then eased into the embrace, running one hand down her feather-soft hair.“It’s okay,” he said, not knowing what he was comforting her about. “I’m here.”He thought about how Cid had been pestering to give Rinoa something to do – a job, a hobby, sorcery lessons with Edea – and none of it felt right. Especially not at this moment. For now his embrace and loving touch was what felt most effective.But she needed more from him. She needed something he couldn’t wrap his head around – something neither of them could put into words. It was probably his own fault.Gritting his teeth at the thought, he hugged her tighter, trying not to let the guilty thoughts plague him. He was still too distracted from her. Still too caught up in his work for Garden. Too many hours holed up in meetings and drafting memos. He still hadn’t found balance between his responsibility as commander of Garden and knight to his sorceress.Besides, Ellone’s “family movies” had not actually stopped the flashback episodes. They were less frequent, sure, and often less intense experiences. It didn’t matter, though. They still distracted him from what should be his number one priority: Rinoa. “I’m sorry, Squall,” Rinoa said into his shoulder. “Don’t,” he said. “It’s okay.”She squeezed him and cried harder. Sometimes he thought she just needed this: his closeness and a good cry. A feeling gripped his gut, and resolve flowed through him. He would do whatever it took. He would be there for her. He knew he could do this. He could be a good knight. Even if he didn’t know what that meant yet. He didn’t want anyone else beside him. He closed his eyes, breathing in the fresh air. Maybe he could find a ring shop in Trabia.