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July 2, 2011
Garbled announcements piped over the speakers as Ed walked hand in hand with Stede towards his gate. They’d planned it this way, Stede leaving a few days late for his family’s annual Fourth of July weekend in Boston so they could say goodbye at the airport. So they could prolong the moment before they’d have to be apart for the first time since they’d gotten together. A sharp pain twisted in Ed’s gut just as Stede’s hand tightened in his as the sign that marked gate 35 drew nearer. “I guess this is it,” Stede said softly, looking at the line waiting to board with a look of dread that mirrored the feeling churning in Ed’s belly. “Hey.” Ed tugged Stede into him, releasing his clammy hand to cup his face in both hands. “It’s just a year. One year.” “I know,” Stede breathed, his gaze trained on a spot just below Ed’s left eye. He summoned a smile and lifted his eyes to meet Ed’s, something so brave in his expression that it broke Ed’s heart. “One year is nothing.” He leaned in and Ed let himself sink into a kiss, burying a hand in Stede’s familiar curls, letting himself be grounded by Stede’s love. “Group 4, you may now begin boarding,” the gate agent intoned and Ed reluctantly pulled away. “That’s me, Sunshine.” “Ok.” Stede blew out a hard breath that shifted Ed’s curls. “Ok. Safe flight, call me when you land.” “It’ll be like 4 am,” Ed said with a raised eyebrow. “I don’t care.” Stede kissed him again. “I gotta go, babe,” Ed whispered, kissing the tear track running down Stede’s cheek. “I know.” Stede nodded once and took a step back. “I know.” Ed turned away, took a step, then another, then another, holding onto his composure by a thread. “Wait!” The desperation in Stede’s voice pulled Ed up short and he turned back to see Stede still planted where Ed had left him. “Don’t go.” “Stede…” “No I’m serious, Ed.” Stede took a small, tentative step. “Don't leave. If you go, I’m afraid I’ll never see you again.” Ed melted and rushed back to wrap his arms around Stede. “Sunshine, I love you so much. You think a year apart can change that?” “I think I don’t want to find out.” Stede put a hand on either side of Ed’s face, his head inclined slightly to accommodate the small height difference, and he took a deep breath. “I know this is a big opportunity, I do. I know I’m asking too much. But we’re so lucky, Edward. We found this thing everyone wants without even trying.” His hazel eyes were shining with tears and hope and love, and Ed’s heart ached as the gate agent called the next group forward. Did he even want to leave? London was an ocean away from the one person who had ever truly understood him.  Then he thought about their tiny apartment, the kitchen that was too small for both of them to be in it at the same time, the shower with trickling water pressure that took ten minutes to warm up. Ed wanted more. He wanted to give Stede more. “You’re right, we found it. And there’s nothing, not time or distance or anything that can take it away from us.” Ed put his hand over Stede’s heart and pressed their foreheads together. “We can get through this. You’ll be busy with law school anyway, right?” Stede blinked rapidly, sucked in a breath, then gave the tiniest nod. “I love you, Stede.” Ed kissed him and poured everything he had into it, holding on tight enough to make up for the empty bed he was facing. “I love you so much,” he breathed when they broke apart. “Tell me you trust us.” Stede’s lower lip trembled, but he squared his shoulders and gave a terse nod. “I trust us.” Then he smiled, and even with tears streaming down his face, he was the most beautiful thing Ed had ever seen. “I love you. I’ll be here when you come home.” A moment of panic seized Ed. What if Stede was right? What if this was the last time they saw each other? Could he live with that? He silenced his doubts with one more long kiss, a last flurry of I love yous, then he turned on his heel before he lost his nerve, and he walked away. One year. They could survive one year. 
13 years later.

July 4, 2024
 “Alright everyone, I know it’s been a long week,” Ed began, looking around the boardroom filled with exhausted faces. “Hell, it’s been a long year,” Jack Rackham muttered, stifling a chuckle when Ed’s right hand man, Izzy, hissed at him to be quiet. He brushed a stray lock of sandy hair off his forehead and fixed Ed with a flirtatious look that Ed ignored. “When this merger goes through,” Ed continued, “all of you can take off to a tropical island for a month for all I care. I just need you focused until it’s done. I appreciate your hard work, and I promise, we are in the home stretch.” “There’s no chance we can regroup and come back after the long weekend?” Charles Vane asked, a rare slip of irritation showing under his always amiable exterior. “I highly doubt Hornigold is going to take the weekend off and I want us here to hold his hand across the threshold, got me?” Ed checked his watch and grimaced. “You should all be able to catch the fireworks if you take off now.” The sound of chairs creaking and dragging across the floor was joined with sighs and groans as everyone got up from the oval conference room table. Ed watched the room empty of everyone but Izzy. His assistant, Grace, hovered by the door as everyone filed out past her and Ed joined the crowd, not particularly wanting to listen to Izzy talk his ear off about how he was getting soft and taking the evening off was going to cost them the merger. He jerked his head at Grace as he passed her and she followed him to his office. Her sleek red hair was tied back in a bun that had loosened as the day had worn on and Ed wondered if her fiancée was annoyed that she was still here. “Anything pressing before you head off for the night?” He asked, eyeing the handful of messages in her hand. “Hornigold called once but he seemed happy that you were busy and didn’t ask for a call back.” She shuffled through the papers as if she didn’t know perfectly well every message she had taken down and a keen look sharpened her features. “And a Stede Bonnet called about twenty minutes ago. Sounded skittish.” She smiled like an imp and handed him the pink square of paper. It was all Ed could do not to react to that name, a name he hadn’t heard spoken aloud in over a decade, that he hadn’t even let himself think except on his loneliest nights since their last terse conversation when Stede told him he didn’t want to live in limbo anymore, his voice thin. Last he had heard, Stede was engaged to his high school girlfriend. “Why the fuck did he call?” Ed asked, shuffling through the papers until he reached the one that had Stede’s name misspelled (Steed?? Bonnet) in Grace’s familiar, loopy handwriting. Underneath that, there was a phone number, and Ed’s stomach clenched around a feeling he couldn’t quite identify. “No idea. Like I said, he sounded like the slightest thing would send him running.” She watched Ed collapse behind his desk and she leaned over it from the other side, amused curiosity lighting her green eyes. “Who is he?” “None of your business. Go home.” Ed scrubbed a hand over his face while he weighed the option of throwing the phone number in the trash or calling it immediately. Why the hell was Stede calling after all these years? Did he miss Ed? Did Ed miss him? His stomach swooped and for a moment, he almost felt like he was falling from the weightless sensation. “Come onnnnn,” Grace whined, dropping into the chair across from him and pouting. “You made me stay until friggin 6:00 on the Fourth of July. The least you can do is give me a story.” Ed folded the paper in half, then unfolded it and set it on his desk to stare at it. “Ok,” he said finally with a heavy sigh. “It’s not much of a story really. He was my college sweetheart but we couldn’t hack the long distance when I moved to London for work.” He scowled and flipped the paper over. “More my fault than his, if I’m honest.” Grace leaned closer in her chair eagerly. “Call him! How often do you get the chance to talk to the one that got away?” “Who said he was the one that got away?” Ed asked, nose wrinkled as he tried not to pout. Grace held up a finger. “I’ve been your assistant for two years and you’ve never gone on more than one date with anyone but Jack.” “I wouldn’t call those dates,” Ed muttered. She held up a second finger, ignoring him. “Secondly! You look like someone just told you the tooth fairy died or something.” “You’re ridiculous.” Ed balled up the message and tossed it in the small trash bin under his desk. “No good can come from reopening that door.” Disappointment crawled across her face and Ed fought off a wave annoyance. He’d already let Stede down, he didn’t need Grace making him feel like shit about it all over again. “Aren’t you the least bit curious?” She asked, her expression almost pitying. “No,” Ed lied. “Why don’t you take off? Come in a couple hours late tomorrow.” “Ok boss man,” she said with an eye roll as she got up out of her seat. “Have a good night.” She saluted him in the doorway and then she was gone. Predictably, Izzy wanted to stay and burn the midnight oil, but Ed convinced him that even the most dedicated workaholic would be at a rooftop party or at the harbor for the fireworks. Finally, he was pulling out of the parking garage onto the eerily deserted street. He cracked his windows, but the warm breeze did little to relieve the oppressive heat so he rolled them back up and blasted his AC.  He checked the clock on his dash and decided he had enough time to duck into a convenience store for a six-pack of beer and still get home to his penthouse in time to catch the fireworks. Drinking beer and watching fireworks alone sounded sad as fuck, and he briefly considered giving Jack a call, then snorted and rolled his eyes at himself. He wasn’t that lonely. The rest of his drive was a blur, his mind a million miles away in an airport terminal, and he was pulling open the door to the store with an electronic ding before he even realized he had arrived.  He nodded at the clerk behind the counter, an older man standing stoically behind an ancient looking cash register with a monitor behind him showing a view of most of the store from a security camera. He beelined for the cooler and waffled over cider or beer for a moment as the electronic ding blared again behind him. The store was mostly empty and it was almost eery, so Ed reached out and grabbed a six-pack of bottled beer at random just to get the hell out of there faster. “Today’s my lucky day, mate,” a dark-haired, heavily tattooed person dressed in cargo shorts and a maroon tank top said as she fished around in one of her pockets. “I have a winning ticket right here.” She slapped something down on the counter with a triumphant “ha!” The clerk took a deep inhale and slid the ticket closer to himself before he smirked and pushed it back towards her. “You scratched off too many numbers. It’s no good.” She blinked, then leaned down to look at where he pointed. “That’s clearly an accident! You can’t tell what’s even under there, a little just rubbed off in my pocket. You owe me $250.” God knew that Ed had been there before, hustling for enough money to pay his rent or buy groceries, and he couldn’t help empathizing. His fingers ached a little where he clutched the handle in the 6-pack and he shifted it to his other hand, hoping the clerk just did the right thing. “Those are the rules, now unless you’re buying something…” “Listen man.” Like a dart, a hand shot out and grabbed the clerk by the front of his shirt. “You know I didn’t scratch those numbers off. Just give me the cash.” Ed’s heart kicked up a notch and he was half tempted to leave the beer and run for the street. “You’re not going to bully me…”  “Bully you?” She jerked him closer, half dragging him over the countertop. “I just want what’s mine.” “You’re on camera you dirtbag,” the clerk spat. 
“Dirtbag?” She moved fast and suddenly a tense situation was terrifying when she pulled a knife from her pocket. The silver blade caught the light as she brandished it, still clutching the clerk’s shirt tight in her other hand. “How about you stop messing with me, man?”
 
“Wait!” Ed’s voice came out as a hoarse croak before he even realized he was planning to speak.
 
She froze and she turned to look at Ed, an eyebrow cocked. “Problem?”
 
A calm settled over him and he looked away from the knife to meet her eyes steadily. “I want to buy your ticket from you,” he said, sounding for all the world like he was standing at the front of a board room.
 
She scoffed. “I don’t need your charity, mate.” 
 
“It’s not charity! I don’t want to see anyone get hurt or arrested, ok? It’s worth $250, I’ll bring it back tomorrow and catch the morning clerk. They’re not a dick.”
 
“Hey!” The clerk protested, then clamped his mouth shut when he was given a hard shake and the knife moved closer to his face. He stumbled back when she abruptly let him go, looking rattled. She stepped back, pocketing her knife before gesturing impatiently for Ed to come to the register, and it took him a moment to remember the beer he was currently clutching for dear life.
 His hands shook a little when he took out his wallet to pay, then she cleared her throat next to him when he went to put it away. Fuck I hope I have cash. He breathed a sigh of relief when he saw three crisp hundreds that he’d gotten out to chip in to the wedding gift the office was pulling together for Grace. He got his receipt, handed over the cash, and pocketed the ticket he’d be throwing away as soon as he saw a trash can. He was never coming back into the store ever again if he could help it. He tucked the beer under his arm, fishing around in his pocket for his keys, then jerked his head towards the door as if to say come on then.  He still felt shaky as they stepped outside. Physical altercations had always triggered his fight or flight and it had been a few years since he’d actually been near one. Now that the adrenaline was leaving his body, he was a little lightheaded. “I’m Archie, by the way,” she said in a familiar accent that reminded him of home. That reminded him of Stede. “Edward,” he replied automatically, shifting the beer back into his hand as they neared his sleek, gunmetal gray Ferrari 812 GTS. Getting in and out was a bitch on his knees but every time he saw it, he felt a little surge of pride. He felt Archie lift one of the bottles out of the box he was carrying and gaped at her as she opened it with a bottle opener on her keychain that she produced from her pocket. “Aren’t there like…open carry laws?” “Are you a cop?” She asked with a snicker. Ed unlocked his car, opening the passenger side door to set the remaining beer on the plush leather seat before turning back to Archie with a sigh. “Is there anything I can do to help you?” The bottle paused halfway to her mouth and she narrowed her eyes. “What d’you mean?” “Look, I’ve been desperate before, I get freaking out trying to make ends meet.”  She smirked and looked pointedly at his car. “You get it, huh?” Ed rolled his eyes and leaned against the passenger door once he’d eased it shut. “I worked hard to get where I am, but…” he began, cutting off when she started booing loudly.  “You’re not going to give me the ol’ bootstraps speech are you? I thought you were alright.” “No! That’s not…” Ed blew out an exasperated sigh. “I just want to know if there’s anything I can do to help.” “Maybe you should help yourself,” Archie said, head cocked to the side and voice cool. “I don’t exactly want for anything,” Ed replied with a laugh. He didn’t mean to be a dick, genuinely he understood he’d caught a lot of lucky breaks while he was busting his ass to the top. “Look me dead in the eye and tell me you have every single thing your heart desires,” she retorted, throwing her head back and laughing when he insisted he did. “Ok, mate, I want you to remember this is your fault.” “What is?” Ed asked, shoving his hands into his pockets, beyond ready for this interaction to be over. An enigmatic grin curved her lips and she shrugged. “You’ll see. G’night, Edward.”  He watched her walk away, utterly nonplussed by the last 15 minutes, then scrubbed a hand down his face until it scraped through his stubble. Finally, he rounded the front of his car, got in, and peeled away from the curb to go home.  Darkness had descended by the time he was out of the shower, a towel slung low on his hips and his hair curling and dripping at the nape of his neck. He’d shoved the cursed beer into his mostly empty fridge and had opted instead for a crystal rocks glass half full of whiskey. It had been a hell of a weird ass day and he deserved it.  The view from his penthouse apartment was spectacular with his floor to ceiling windows that looked out over the glittering skyline. The day he had closed on this place, he’d stood before them with an overwhelming sense of contentment. He was on top of the world, he had fucking made it. The sting of being alone here at the pinnacle had barely even registered then. And it wasn’t that being alone bothered him much now. He was the president of his company, he had enough money to live a couple of lifetimes comfortably, and if he wanted to buy something, anything, he didn’t have to think twice before swiping his credit card. It was just all so fucking boring. There was no challenge in it anymore. There was also no one standing beside him, holding his hand, telling him the 60 hour work weeks were worth it. Purple light exploded over the harbor and Ed took a drink, feeling the whiskey burn a path down his throat and into his belly. He didn’t need anything and if he was that lonely, it wasn’t as if it would be that hard to find someone. He was rich and he was no slouch in the looks department. But will you ever find someone who loves you? A mean little voice in his head asked. Ed chuckled darkly to himself and watched the sky fill with explosions of light. He’d already found someone who actually loved him and he’d blown it. Better just to keep his bed warm. ***** The first thing Ed registered as he swam up from the fuzzy dredges of a dream was how fucking warm he was. He wondered vaguely if his AC was on the fritz as he chased the heaviness of sleep. His alarm hadn’t gone off yet and he just wanted to fall back into that muzzy cocoon for a bit longer.  Then he realized that he was warm because there was an arm around his waist, a fuzzy chest pressed against the length of his back, and hot breath curling against his neck. When the fuck did someone come over?  He sucked in a long, slow breath as quietly as he could, wanting to get his bearings before he gave away to his bed mate that he was awake. He cracked his eyes open slowly, his vision slightly blurry, blinked rapidly a few times, then opened his eyes wide as he took in the extremely lived in bedroom soaked in sunlight. Ok so not his place. A white wicker laundry hamper spilling over with clothes, a powder blue sleeve trailing down one side was directly in his eye line under a small window bracketed with gauzy white curtains. The walls were painted a soothing blue that Ed never would have chosen in a million years, but it looked nice against the white molding on the window and the white bureau next to a door that Ed assumed was the bathroom. He shifted the slightest bit, trying to see more of the room. He didn’t even know anyone who lived in a place like this and he wondered how far out of the city he was. The first fingers of panic started at the base of his skull as he worried how long it was going to take him to get home for a shower, a fresh suit, and into the office. It seemed that he was in a pair of thin pajama bottoms, a cheap cotton blend that he couldn’t believe he’d bothered to put on after whatever random hook up he’d had. The bedding was cream colored with a blue pattern of birds and flowers and it reminded him of something he couldn’t quite place. The sheets were ok, definitely all cotton but not the high thread count he was used to in his own bed.  There was a sigh behind him and a sleepy “ten more minutes, hm?” that sounded so familiar that Ed’s blood ran cold.   It can’t be. There’s no way in hell. I threw his number away. He braced himself and finally rolled over to find himself face to face with Stede fucking Bonnet. Before he could spiral about that, the door burst open and a little girl with a mop of dark curls leaped onto the foot of the bed.  “Get up, Daddy!” She was beaming and her wide brown eyes were fixed on Ed. “It’s brother’s first birthday! Ya gotta get up!” A sleepy chuckle from Stede dragged Ed’s horror filled eyes back to where Stede was yawning and scratching his chin. “What do you say we let daddy sleep in a bit longer.” He lowered his voice conspiratorially. “You know how he is in the morning.” She giggled like she had any fucking clue what Ed was like in the morning and clambered up to flop onto Stede’s chest for a hug. “Ok Dad.” Then she patted Ed’s arm and spanned her tiny fingers wide over his snake tattoo. “Sleep tight, daddy.” “What the hell is going on?” Ed whispered. What the fuck kind of freak show had he stumbled into? “It’s my morning anyway, darling,” Stede said through another yawn and he clambered awkwardly out of bed with the little girl clinging to him. “I’ll get breakfast going and send this munchkin back up for you when it’s ready.” Ed shot his hand out to grab Stede’s wrist before he could get too far. “Stede…how… why is this happening?” “I just like you I guess,” Stede replied with a wink before he bustled out the door with the little girl on his hip, closing the door behind him.  “What the fuck just happened?” Ed asked the empty room.

----- CHAPTER BREAK -----

The sound of Stede’s footfalls on the creaky hardwood in the hall receded and Ed waited, holding his breath as if the mere sound of his breathing would bring Stede back into the room. What the hell was Stede thinking bringing Ed around his kids when they hadn’t even seen each other for years? 
 
Why the

fuck

was that little girl calling him daddy?
 
When he couldn’t hear anything but the distant sound of a baby crying, he carefully sat up and put his feet on the floor, wrinkling his nose at the feeling of the carpet under his toes that had clearly seen better days. Why the hell was Stede living like this? The plan was always for him to become partner at his father’s firm and corporate lawyers didn’t exactly have to pinch their pennies.
 
Ed looked around the room for his clothes, not entirely sure what he’d even put on the night before. There was nothing, none of his perfectly tailored jeans, not even the suit he’d been in from work. “Curiouser and curiouser,” Ed muttered to himself before he gave up and approached the sliding doors that had to be the closet. The white paint was peeling and chipped in places and when Ed tried to slide it open, the door caught halfway across the runner.
 
He took a slow, calming breath in through his nose and made do with the amount of closet he had access to. “No wonder the fucking door’s stuck,” Ed muttered when he saw the top and bottom rows of hanging racks bursting with clothes. The hangers were so close together that some of them were overlapping, and Ed had to wrestle four of them apart just to get a weathered NYU t-shirt out to pull over his head. He shoved the pajama bottoms down and left them pooled on the floor to step into a pair of jeans that were too tight in the ass and a little too short at his ankles, splattered with blue paint at the knees.
 
Whatever, he just needed to get the fuck out of crazy town and back to reality. He backtracked to the bureau and pawed through the top drawer for a pair of socks, cursing when he sat on the edge of the bed to put them on and his big toe went through a hole. He thought about getting another pair, but with every passing minute, the urgency to get the fuck out was stronger. 
 
There was a soft buzz on the side table and Ed immediately reached for the phone still tethered to a gray cable, relieved to have something connecting him to the outside world. Except this definitely wasn’t his phone. It was slightly too small in his hand and the case was covered in glittery stickers. He hit the side button to look at the wallpaper, his curiosity getting the best of him, but he’d only caught a quick glimpse of a picture of the little girl he’d just seen pressing a kiss to the forehead of a baby swaddled in a gauzy white blanket when the phone unlocked.
 
The phone unlocked with

Ed’s

face. His heart raced and he could do nothing but stare at the phone as it went dark again in his hand. What the fuck. Was happening. The phone buzzed again, an incoming message from someone named Pete and he tapped it almost reflexively. A high whimper escaped his lips when the phone unlocked again. 
 
Pete:
Hypothetically, if we waited until the last second to buy your son a gift, what are 1 year olds into these days?
 
Ed blinked at the message stupidly, then scrolled up. The last thing this Pete person had sent before this had been a few days earlier, a link to a Tik Tok video and the message “You and Stede.” He clicked the link to a video of a couple, one of them was wiping tears from their face, the other holding the phone. “You said you didn’t want anything, babe,” the one with the phone said softly and the one crying took in a stuttering breath before wailing “you should have

known better.”

Ed backed out of the video and shoved the phone into his pocket, not really able to process any of this and desperate to get the fuck out of this mad house.The phone

couldn’t

be his, but he needed a way to be in touch with people. He’d just have to courier this one back later on. 
 
A pair of dusty white sneakers that had seen better days were by the door and once he stepped into them, surprised by how well they fit, he took another fortifying breath and carefully opened the door. The sound of the baby crying had stopped and now he heard dishes crashing and music playing softly from what must have been the kitchen. He crept out into the hall, wincing at every feeble creak the floor gave, practically tiptoeing down the stairs.
 
Getting past the kitchen was the trickiest bit, and it took everything in Ed not to follow the soothing rise and fall of Stede’s voice as he sang along to the song playing. Ed’s breath caught when he placed it,

Come Away With Me,

by Nora Jones. The song had played the second time they’d kissed, but the first time it had counted according to Stede. He dared a look into the kitchen and spotted Stede swaying next to the stove, singing into a wooden spoon like a microphone.
 
“Dad, can I have a glass of milk?” The little girl asked.
 
“Can I have a glass of milk,

please,

Cece?”
 
“You want me to get

you

a glass of milk?” She asked cheekily and Ed stifled a laugh, took a deep breath, and raced past the kitchen to the front door as fast as he could. There was a tidy row of hooks next to the front door, his last hope of finding his keys, and he stomped his foot when he didn’t have any luck. Maybe he had taken an Uber? But how if his phone wasn’t here?
 
With a scowl, he gave up, flipped the deadbolt on the front door and made his escape. He’d just order an Uber back to the city where he hoped to find his car safely in his parking garage. It was already warm when Ed stepped outside and he couldn’t wait to be in the air conditioned office wrapping this merger up with his team. If only he could remember a single phone number off the top of his head. 
 
He gave himself a moment to look around the neighborhood and his panic ratcheted up a notch. He was clearly

way

out of the city judging by the neat lawns and children riding bikes up and down the street. There was a sprinkler sputtering weakly on the neighbor’s yard and a man with a sizeable bald patch waved at Ed as he cranked the water off. “Morning, Ed!”
 
Ed lifted his hand limply and gave it a slight wave, not sure if the expression on his face resembled anything but horror. How did this complete stranger know his name? He looked at the black Toyota minivan parked in Stede’s driveway and stomped his foot again, feeling petulant but not caring. And

where

was his damn car? Not that it would have exactly fit in here among the midrange sedans and crossover SUVs. 
 
A familiar red Honda Civic pulled up in front of the house while Ed was still trying to gather his wits and his eyes about fell out of his head when his mother and step-father got out. “Eddie!” Elizabeth called, waving him over as she popped the trunk. “Wow, your timing is superb. Come give us a hand. Fletcher’s still supposed to take it easy.”
 
“You’re too fussy, Liz,” Fletcher grouched, but his smile was affectionate. He swiped a hand through his wiry, steel gray curls when she slapped his hand away after he tried to reach into the trunk to help. “For hell’s sake. It was three days ago and the man said my arteries are as clean as a damn whistle. Will you tell her, Ed?”
 
Ed had no clue about the state of Fletcher’s arteries, but he nodded and stumbled closer to them. “Can I borrow your car?”
 
Elizabeth and Fletcher exchanged a look. “Something wrong with yours?” Elizabeth asked, pointing to the minivan in the driveway.
 
“That’s not my fu…freaking car!” Ed exclaimed, throwing his hands in the air. “I’m

so

late for work it is not even funny.”
 
Elizabeth laughed, her expression clearing. “Uh-huh. Well as your boss, I’m letting you off the hook for Joey’s birthday. Now will you please?”
 
“What the hell is everyone talking about?” Ed asked Fletcher as Elizabeth loaded his arms with gift bags. “What

is

all this?” He asked when he had four bags on either arm.
 
“Oh please, it can’t be a surprise by now that I like to spoil my grandchildren.”
 
“What,” Ed whispered as he trailed after them. He walked back into the house that he had just escaped to find Stede waiting at the foot of the stairs, one hand on the banister. 
 
He accepted a kiss on his cheek from Elizabeth and a slap on his back from Fletcher before he spotted Ed and he laughed. “Well that solves that mystery. Cecilia!” He called up the stairs. “He snuck past us.” Then his brow furrowed. “Why are you in my jeans?”
 
“I need to…” Ed thought for sure he was going to hyperventilate and he set the bags unceremoniously on the floor before he snagged a set of keys off the hook and jingled them in the air. “I need to run.”
 
“Where on earth to?” Stede asked, looking only mildly concerned that his ex was about to steal his car.
 
“I just forgot something?” 
 
That did the trick and Stede smiled, touching the side of his nose knowingly. “Hurry back. And grab some ice cream on your way back?”
 
“What kind?” Ed asked, and then mentally kicked himself. He was never coming back so what did it matter?
 
“Surprise me,” Stede said absently as Cece flung herself at him from three stairs up and he had to catch her. “A bit of warning next time, yes?” He asked her playfully, swinging her around and then setting her on her feet so she could run into Elizabeth’s arms.
 
“Uh huh,” Ed said blankly and stumbled back outside, jerking the stolen phone out of his back pocket. When it unlocked again, he made a sound like a teakettle coming to boil because why was his face unlocking Stede’s fucking phone?
 
Whatever, didn’t matter. He pulled up the navigation app to get himself the hell out of here and his thumbs stuttered to a halt from typing in his destination. He was in Tarrytown. How the hell had he gotten to Tarrytown, apparently

naked

and without his phone? He did another round of slow, deep breathing, then hit “Go” on the navigation so he could get home and put this weird morning behind him.
 
It took over an hour to get to the city and then another half hour to navigate through traffic only to realize he couldn’t get into his parking garage without his damn fob or his penthouse without his keys. “Ah ha!” He cried triumphantly when he found a big enough strip of curb to park in front of his building and he got out of the cursed minivan, planning to throw himself on the mercy of his doorman.
 
Ivan was helping the woman who lived in the penthouse above Ed’s inside with a number of shopping bags and Ed jogged across the expanse of sidewalk to trail in after them. “Good morning, Ivan. Jackie.” He nodded to each of them separately and they exchanged an alarmed look. “I know, I know, not exactly my usual look.”
 
“Who the fuck are you?” Jackie asked imperiously.
 
“I’m…Ed Teach? You told me it was only a matter of time before I became one of your husband’s like two days ago.” Ed looked at Ivan with a smirk, as if to say “can you believe this joker,” but Ivan was looking at Ed like he was the crazy one.
 
“Sir, if you could please wait outside,” Ivan said stiffly when Ed tried to follow them in the door.
 
“But I need your help,” Ed protested. “I can’t find my keys and I need to get into my…”
 
“Wait outside or I will be forced to call security to escort you from the premises, sir.”
 
Ed went to run his fingers through his hair in frustration and they snagged in loose strands. “The fuck?” He smoothed his hand down the back of his head where he found the ridges of a braid trailing down between his shoulder blades. He hadn’t had long hair since college, and yet here he was with hair long enough to braid. While he was distracted, Ivan and Jackie went inside and the door closed with a click of the lock engaging behind them.
 
“Dammit!” Ed shouted, startling a pigeon and a pedestrian passing by him. He stormed to the minivan, then spent another twenty minutes navigating traffic getting to his office. They were going to look at him like an insane person for how he was dressed. And his hair, which he couldn’t even begin to explain to himself, let alone his staff. The street in front of his office building was blessedly empty and he snagged a spot on the curb.
 
The lobby was eerily empty, not that unexpected for a holiday weekend, but Ed was already on edge, so his footsteps echoing on the marble made the hairs on his arms stand up. “Can I help you?” An unfamiliar security guard asked, his voice ringing loud and making Ed jump.
 
“Just heading up to Queen Anne Investors,” Ed said with a tight smile, jerking his thumb towards the elevator.
 
“I’m uh…just covering for the regular guy, but I’m pretty sure Queen Anne is closed for the weekend.”
 
Ed forced his shoulders to relax and he walked towards the placard on the wall displaying the companies housed in the office building. “I’m Edward Teach, I’m the president.” He tapped where it said President under Queen Anne Investors…only…
 
“Says Israel Hands,” the security guard said apologetically.
 
“What the hell is happening to me?” Ed whispered, shaking off the reassuring hand that was placed on his shoulder. He fled for the front door, ready to get back into the minivan and drive…well fuck if he knew where to go at this point. His mother was clearly in on this madness so he couldn’t go to her.
 
An engine revved and he looked up in time to see his beloved Ferrari pull up next to Stede’s black minivan. The passenger window rolled down and Ed’s blood seemed to boil under his skin when Archie leaned over to call out to him. “Hop in, Eddie!”
 
He crossed the short distance and jerked the passenger door open. “What the fuck are you doing in my car?”
 
Archie laughed. “You look like you’re having a rough morning. Get in. We need to have a little chat.”
 
Because there was seemingly nothing else for him to do, he sat sullenly on the buttery leather seat, buckled his seatbelt, and crossed his arms over his chest. “I’m calling my car in as stolen.”
 
“Good luck with that,” Archie replied amiably. When Ed started hyperventilating, she reached past him to open the dash and pulled a brown paper bag out of the glove box. “Breathe into that, we don’t need you passing out. I hardly think a trip to the emergency room would improve things for you.”
 
“What the fuck…” Ed started, his voice sounding high and reedy to his own ears under the sudden ringing that was cutting through the sound of his engine revving.
 
“Is happening to you?”  Archie jerked the wheel and Ed put his hand up on the roof of the car to brace himself for impact as she made a rapid turn. “Let’s just remember that you did this to yourself.”
 
As soon as she’d pulled out of it and Ed was relatively certain he wasn’t about to die, he found his voice. “What? What the hell do you mean? What could I have possibly done to deserve this…this…hallucination?”
 
Archie cleared her throat and lowered her voice. “I don’t exactly want for anything.” She looked at him expectantly and Ed started breathing into the bag again when she came dangerously close to hitting a Prius before she swerved into the next lane. “Ring a bell?”
 
“So…I came across as full of myself and you blew up my life?” Ed knew he was basically shrieking, but he didn’t care.
 
Archie just laughed, tightening her grip on the steering wheel while she slammed her foot on the gas and ran a hard yellow light. “Look, you did a good thing last night when you stepped in at the convenience store. Deescalated what could have been a bad situation all around. Very impressive, honestly top marks across the board.”
 
Ed crumpled the brown paper bag in his hand. “Please just tell me what’s happening to me,” he demanded, only sounding slightly hysterical.
 
“This is a glimpse, Edward.”
 
Ed waited for her to continue, trying to draw on his years of experience in the board room, giving nothing away until she gave him what he needed. She, however, seemed perfectly content to speed through traffic, playing chicken with vehicles and pedestrians alike until Ed was ready to come out of his skin. “A glimpse of

what,”

he demanded finally.
 
“Bro. I can’t just tell you everything.”
 
“You have told me practically nothing!”
 
“It’s on you to figure this out, my friend, and you’ve got plenty of time.” Archie started slowing down and the engine quieted.
 
“How much time?” Ed asked, not sure why he was even playing along.
 
“As much time as it takes and in your case, it’s probably going to be considerable.” She patted his shoulder in a move he assumed was meant to be comforting, but didn’t seem offended when he slapped her hand away.
 
“I don’t have considerable time, I am in the middle of the biggest deal of my career.” 
 
Archie smirked. “You’ve got a new deal now my friend.”
 
“Ok.” Ed breathed in deep, then let it out slowly. “How much?”
 
“Sorry?” Archie actually used her turn signal and Ed felt himself starting to relax.
 
“How much money will it take to get my life back?” 
 
“This is not a situation you can buy your way out of, Edward. You just gotta trust the process. Figure it out.”
 
“What fucking process? Figure out

what?”

Not many people could sit cool as a cucumber with Edward Teach asking them to name their price, let alone yelling, but Archie was utterly unaffected. “Just let it come to you, bro.”
 
They came to an abrupt stop and Ed nearly slammed his face into the dash. Archie produced a red plastic bag, the bottom swinging heavily, and held it out to Ed. “What’s this?” He reached in and pulled out a shiny, silver bicycle bell. He gave it a ring and the sound trilled in the quiet car. “Will you come when I ring it?”
 
“God no. It’s time to get out of the car, Edward.”
 
“No.” Ed dropped the bell back into the bag and sat back against the seat. “You can’t make me.”
 
Archie’s face softened. “You wanna go for a walk, get some air, talk this through?”
 
Relief washed through Ed’s body and he nodded. “Yeah, yes, please.”
 
“We’ll figure this out,” she promised reassuringly, cracking her door open and reaching for her seatbelt.
 
Ed clambered out of the car and just as he shut the door, she pulled hers shut and hit the gas, disappearing around the corner before Ed even had time to process that she had tricked him. He stared forlornly at the Toyota minivan looking almost lost in front of the towering office building, looked down at the red bag in his hand, then stomped his foot one last time. The impact reverberated up his leg and made his knee ache.

He had no idea what to do other than get back in the van, punch in “home” on the navigation app, and drive back to Stede’s. What the fuck did she mean by

glimpse?

----- CHAPTER BREAK -----

Shuffling through the presets on the radio in the minivan did nothing to settle Ed’s jangling nerves. Every genre of music seemed primed to put him even more on edge. He found himself trying to guess if it was his preset or Stede’s, and then he smacked the heel of his hand on the steering wheel. Did it matter? This was so clearly a very bizarre fucking dream.
 
A

glimpse.

A glimpse of him living in the suburbs with 2.5 kids. Real fucking funny universe. His mother was always telling him not so subtly about how helpful she’d been finding therapy, and for the first time, he found himself wondering if he shouldn’t finally take her advice. If he was having dreams like this after one phone call from his ex, maybe she had a point.
 
The streets were so close together once he’d turned into the neighborhood that he turned too soon and ended up on the wrong street. His navigation app calmly and repeatedly told him she was rerouting and he very much wanted to scream as he tried to find a place to turn around. He pulled into a driveway and just as he was about to back out again, a bald man in striped pants and a bowling shirt with the sleeves ripped off jogged out to the front yard with a hand raised.
 
After a quick but robust internal debate, Ed put the van in park and rolled the window down as the man approached. He’d never been so relieved to see someone with their name embroidered on their shirt. “Hey Pete.”
 
“Hey Ed! Where ya been?”
 
“Ya know…around.” Ed had no idea what kind of relationship he had with this Pete guy, but he didn’t exactly relish whatever he was facing back at the house. So when Pete invited him in, he agreed, feeling numb and dazed as he followed Pete inside.
 
“Lucius, look who I found!” Pete called as they walked into a tidy little bungalow, and a dark haired man appeared carrying a throw pillow.
 
Lucius narrowed his eyes. “Hey stranger. You been home yet?”
 
“Not yet,” Ed hedged.
 
“We’re gonna go to my man cave, ok babe?” Pete said quickly. “Maybe give us ten minutes before you make any calls?”
 
“Ten,” Lucius agreed, his eyes darting to Pete. They seemed to communicate telepathically for a moment, and then Pete was leading Ed to the back of the house. 
 
They walked into a small den with dated wood paneling covering every wall. There was a foosball table shoved into one corner, a small bar set up in another with two bar stools, and a couple of leather recliners in the middle of the room facing a wide screen tv mounted on the wall. Twinkle lights were draped from the ceiling along with paper lanterns, the walls were covered in Star Wars and Marvel art, and the bar was draped in garlands of neon colored fake flowers. Ed wasn’t exactly sure where to look as he tried to take it all in.
 
“It’s me as the Hulk,” Pete said and Ed blinked at him.
 
“Huh?”
 
“The new art.” Pete tapped a sketch of the Hulk in all his rippling green muscle glory, but he had Pete’s face. “Lucius just finished it.”
 
Ed nodded as his chest tightened and the overwhelmed feeling he’d been having since he opened his eyes expanded into every part of his body. He followed Pete over to the bar and perched on a stool while Pete went behind the bar to rest on his elbows facing Ed. “Honestly, I’ve been expecting you. When you weren’t at Joey’s party, I was worried.”
 
There were framed photos mounted on the wall behind the bar and Ed took a moment to look at them. One was Lucius and Pete kissing on a beach in suits, the sleeves ripped off of Pete’s jacket, his arms raised in the air over his head. Another picture was Lucius, Pete, Ed, and Stede standing with their arms around each other in someone’s yard, all of them grinning. Ed’s eyes landed on one of just him and Pete in matching bowling shirts looking ecstatic with a trophy between them.
 
“We’re friends,” Ed said softly.
 
“You’re my best friend besides Lucius, you know that man.” Pete patted Ed’s arm. “You doing ok?”
 
“I’m having a bad day,” Ed replied miserably, an understatement if there ever was one.
 
“Is it work?” Pete asked and Ed shook his head. If anything, he wanted desperately to get

back

to work. “It’s not…it’s not Stede is it?”
 
Something pinched in Ed’s chest, but he shook his head again. “Not exactly.” He sighed and dragged his hands down his face, surprised again as his palm scraped through a short, but full beard. “Stede’s my husband,” he said finally, trying not to let it sound like a question.
 
Pete smiled and clapped Ed on the shoulder. “That’s right, man. It’s not always easy, but we’re both lucky enough to be with the love of our life. Come on.”
 
Pete walked Ed back to the minivan, chatting away the entire time. “I know it’s a lot. You’re a man in your 30s with kids and financial responsibilities. You’d be crazy if it never got to you.” When they were halfway across the front yard, Pete pulled Ed up short. “You remember when I was thinking about starting that thing up with the guy from work?”
 
It took everything in Ed not to scream “of course I don’t because this isn’t my life.” Instead, he took the safest course of action and nodded.
 
“You said ‘don’t ruin the best thing in your life because you’re a little unsure about who you are.’ I know the attention feels really good, especially when things get sort of routine at home. But you and Stede have something really special.” Pete squeezed Ed’s shoulder. “It’ll be ok.” 
 
With that, he left Ed standing awkwardly next to the minivan watching him go back inside. Keys clanked as Ed pulled them out of his pocket and he made the short journey to the next street over.
 
He turned into the driveway of the picturesque little house. If Ed hadn’t been sure it was a dream, he would be now that he was actually looking at the house he’d conjured up. It was a tidy, two story house with pristine white siding and black shutters on the windows. A flower bed was nestled up against the front porch and Ed could practically see Stede knelt down tending to it. Even the bay window on the first floor was something that Stede had once mentioned wanting.
 
It was practically a manifestation of the dream house they’d talked about when they’d been lying side by side, when the world was still full of possibility and hope for having it all. A vague memory teased at the edge of Ed’s mind, of Stede looking at his hands, dressed in Ed’s faded Nada Surf t-shirt and nothing else as he talked about the cold, empty house he’d grown up in. How he dreamt of warmth and light, being close enough to shout from one room and be heard in another. How Ed had promised him a house just like this.
 
“I get it,” Ed grumbled, cranking the keys off and jerking them out of the ignition. “You’re not subtle,” he added, as if his subconscious could be scolded.
 
He got out of the car, shoving his keys and phone into his jeans pockets, then grabbed the stupid bag Archie had handed him. His knees didn’t complain at all when he stepped out of the van and he scowled. The Ferrari was still better.
 
He felt the phone buzz in his back pocket for what must have been the millionth time and he sighed. Stede had been calling and texting every hour or so since Ed had reached the city. But what was Ed supposed to say? He barely knew Stede anymore and he certainly wasn’t accountable to him. The long haired, bearded Ed kissing Stede’s cheek in his contact photo might be, but

this

Ed belonged in a boardroom in New York City. He just needed to wake the hell up.
 
The wood creaked under his shoes as he climbed the steps to the front porch, and he hesitated at the door. This was supposedly his house, but it

wasn’t,

and it felt wrong just walking in like he owned the place. So he stood there for way too long with his hand on the knob, stood there until the next door neighbor who apparently had nothing better to do than stare into their yard called out, “you alright Ed?”
 
“Yeah…man,” he called back, and forced himself to open the door.
 
The entryway by the door was narrow, a basket spilling over with shoes on one side and a short wall on the other. He was halfway through toeing off his sneakers, some lizard part of his brain unable to just walk by once he’d noticed the basket, when he saw Stede round the corner and launch himself at Ed.
 
“Where the hell have you

been?”

Stede asked, his arms so tight around Ed that drawing his next breath took effort, and when he inhaled, it was full of Stede. His scent and his warmth were achingly familiar and yet different from how Ed remembered him. He slowly lifted one arm to settle his hand between Stede’s shoulder blades, breathing in the scent of his shampoo, something that smelled like an herb garden on a summer day.
 
“I uh…” Ed let out a shaky exhale. “I went into the city.”
 
Stede stiffened and shoved Ed’s shoulders lightly as he stepped back. “You

arsehole!

I thought you were dead. Did you know I called about ten hospitals asking if you’d been brought in?”
 
“That’s a dollar for the swear jar!” The little girl, Cece, called singsong from the living room.
 
“Do you want to go outside little miss?” Ed’s mum piped up, and he watched her and Fletch walk hand in hand to take her through the kitchen at the back of the house. Fletch flashed Ed a look and a quick wink, as if to say “good luck buddy,” and Ed smiled weakly.
 
He liked Fletch, he had since he’d come home for winter break his sophomore year of college and realized his mother was head over heels for him. It helped that he treated her like she was the most magical creature he’d ever met. But they weren’t exactly close. Fletch and Elizabeth lived in Sleepy Hollow and traveled a lot in their retirement, and Ed worked long hours in the city. He couldn’t remember the last time he’d taken a weekend to make the drive out to see them, so bogged down in work that it hardly seemed worth the effort to drive three hours round trip just to have dinner.
 
Except apparently, in his dreams, Fletch winked at Ed when he was in the dog house. Whatever.
 
When the back door had closed behind them, Stede gave Ed a measured look and crossed his arms across his chest. “Well, what do you have to say for yourself?”
 
“Um…” Ed blew out a long breath and found a point on Stede’s shoulder to stare at. “I’m sorry?”
 
“Are you alright?” Stede asked with a soft sigh, lifting the back of his hand to press to Ed’s forehead. “You don’t feel feverish,” he murmured.
 
Ed sighed impatiently and stepped out of Stede’s reach. “I’m fine, ok?” 
 
The sound of plastic crinkling grabbed Stede’s attention and he looked down at the red bag dangling limply from Ed’s fingers. “The hell is this?” He snatched it away and pulled the heavy bell out, watching it catch the sunlight coming in through the small window over the door. He gave it a ring and his brow furrowed deeper. “Ed, what is going on with you? Are you sick?”
 
“What’s the big deal?” Ed asked, lifting his hand up to run through his hair, then cursing when his fingers snagged in it.
 
“The big deal is you missed our son’s first birthday party after you stayed up until 2 AM cleaning up and decorating the damn back yard for it. You were so excited and yet I had to stand there by myself explaining to all of our friends why you weren’t here.” Stede shoved the bell back in the bag and pressed it into Ed’s chest, his movements jerky.
 
Ed snatched the bag out of Stede’s grip. “I don’t belong here,” he snapped and watched Stede roll his eyes.
 
“Here we go.”
 
“I’m serious. I live in New York City in a big penthouse with a Ferrari,” Ed insisted, his annoyance ratcheting up when Stede laughed.  
 
“And my Lambo is at the dealer.” Stede crossed his arms and popped his hip. “Could you maybe have chosen a better day to…” he gestured at Ed vaguely. “Go through whatever this is?”
 
“Stede, I’m not a dad or a husband. I don’t mow the lawn or go to PTA meetings. Something is very wrong here.”
 
“Ugh,” Stede replied with disgust and stormed into the living room. 
 
Ed numbly tailed after him and looked around. Sunlight filled the room and Ed could immediately tell this was the heart of the house. There was a beige sectional couch upholstered in some kind of microfiber and two wingback chairs in a fabric that almost looked like it had been artfully splattered with green and blue paint. The carpet was new and the walls were a pleasing sage green. White wainscotting wrapped around the room, stopping at the brick fireplace and the bay window.
 
The TV mounted over the mantle was playing quietly and Ed watched Elmo for a moment, then let his eyes be drawn to the large family photo in a thick wood frame. Ed’s smile was wide, his long, silvering hair tumbling over his shoulders as he held a golden haired baby who was looking up at him with one hand on his chest and the other reaching for his beard. Stede was grinning next to him with his hands on Cece’s shoulders and she was flashing a bright toothy smile. They looked happy, but he felt nothing. They weren’t

his.

The baby was sleeping in a play pen under the bay window, something bright orange clutched in his tiny fists. Stede was punching throw pillows and grabbing scattered toys to toss into a basket by the fireplace. “You know, I get it, Ed. I do. But I’m a little bit too pissed off to listen to your existential crisis at the moment.”  He tossed a board book and a stuffed pig into the basket then finally faced Ed again. He let out a long, slow exhale, like he was physically letting go of his anger. “Whatever, it’s fine. You’re here now. We should probably get ready if we’re going to head over to Sam and Noah’s.”
 
“Who the fuck are Sam and Noah,” Ed asked, raising his voice and grimacing when Stede cringed and looked at the baby.
 
“You’re hilarious, really. Their party is tonight, big Fourth of July weekend bash they throw every year?”
 
“I don’t think going to a party in my current state is a good idea,” Ed replied flatly, not exactly relishing the thought of meeting a bunch of new people when he wasn’t entirely sure who

he

was.
 
“Right,” Stede said, not bothering to hide his disappointment as he threw his hands out and then let them slap against his thighs when he dropped them. “We’ve only been looking forward to this for weeks. I’ll just tell Elizabeth and Fletch we don’t need them to watch the kids since you’ll be home with them.”
 
“Wait!” Ed grabbed Stede’s elbow as he turned away, then dropped it like he’d been scalded. “A night out without kids sounds good actually.”
 
Stede massaged the bridge of his nose, then nodded once. “Then I guess I’ll take the first shower,” he said primly and Ed watched him as he stalked away and marched up the stairs.
 
Ed had no idea what to do with himself. He wandered into the kitchen to look around, realizing when he saw the remnants of a confetti birthday cake on a pedestal stand sitting on the formica countertop that he hadn’t eaten all day. He searched the dated cabinets and drawers for a plate and something to cut himself a slice of cake and wolfed the piece down over the sink while he looked out over the back yard.
 
His mother was pushing Cece on the swing and her dark curls flew behind her as she pumped her legs out. Ed could faintly hear her wild giggle and he watched Elizabeth and Fletcher exchange a look that he couldn’t quite understand. Something warm that nettled under Ed’s skin.
 
Unable to keep staring at the scene any longer, he set himself to rooting around the kitchen until he found a plate of leftover cheese slices and pepperoni covered with plastic wrap in the fridge. He shoved a piece of each in his mouth while he looked at colorful magnets stuck to the cold white metal exterior. There was a hand drawn picture of three stick figures standing under a big yellow sun, one of them holding a little bundle. All of them were smiling. Whatever this was, whoever Ed was here, there was a little girl who drew her family smiling in sunshine. 
 
There was a wallet sized picture of Cece under a New York Nets magnet, with her hair tamed in a half up, half down style, her smile stiff and dazed. Next to that was a magnet depicting Niagara Falls pinning a 4x6 photo of the baby flashing a toothy smile while he held onto his foot, a mop of golden curls tumbling over his forehead. He looked like Stede and Ed had to stop himself from touching the picture with his fingers that were greasy from the pepperoni.
 
The back door opened behind him and Ed half turned to watch his mom leading Cece back inside. “Everything alright in here?”
 
“Yeah. Stede’s just taking a shower,” Ed said absently, watching the little girl evaluate him. He nodded at her once and she nodded back, her eyes narrowing. He had no idea how to talk to a kid, so he covered the plate and put it away so he could run upstairs and wait for his turn in the shower.
 
The water was still running when he walked into the bedroom and he could faintly hear music playing through the closed door. He looked around the space and almost laughed when he realized that the whole thing would probably fit in his walk in closet. The bed looked tiny compared to his california king and he wondered how both of them fit in the full size. 
 
With a heavy sigh, he flopped face first into the bed, then buried his face in the pillow and screamed. It didn’t really make him feel better, and when he rolled onto his back, he was still inexplicably in this tiny blue bedroom in the suburbs.
 
Stede emerged from the bathroom ahead of a fragrant cloud of steam, wrapped in a buttery yellow robe. “Shower’s yours,” he said blithely, but there was an edge to his voice and something sharp in the smile he aimed at Ed. He walked to the closet and sighed heavily. “Oh right.”
 
Ed braced himself up on his elbows, an apology on the tip of his tongue for fucking up the closet when the pajamas he’d discarded on the floor hours earlier hit him in the face. “The fuck,” he sputtered, brushing them away.
 
“Floor’s not a hamper,” Stede replied coolly from where he was crouched on the floor, shooting a sly smile over his shoulder.
 
“You’re insufferable,” Ed said with a groan as he flopped back onto his back.
 
“You disappeared for half a day without a word, I get to be as insufferable as I want for at least that long.” 
 
Ed laughed, a surprised, almost choked sound. “Fair enough.” Stede grunted and cursed, and finally managed to shimmy the closet door back onto the track, letting out a gleeful

Ha!

He rose to his feet with his hands in the air. “Nice one.” Ed sounded exhausted and unenthusiastic, even to himself.
 
“Oh come on, I deserve better than that. You were stuck in my grubby jeans all day because you couldn’t get to your side.”
 
“Nah, you’re right.” Ed climbed to his feet in the middle of the bed, his socked feet leaving a deep indentation in the mattress as he applauded sarcastically. 
 
Stede bowed regally, then turned back to the closet, a hand under his chin while he considered his options. Ed hopped off the bed, his knee twinging a bit, and started towards the steamy bathroom. “Sorry I used all the hot water,” Stede singsonged behind him.
 
Ed was smiling when he whispered, “you dick,” under his breath.
 
******
 
Stepping out into the warm summer evening air with Stede next to him, it almost felt like Ed was stepping back in time. They’d gone to endless house parties back in college, first as friends, then hand in hand once they’d finally admitted that their feelings were so much more. But always together and usually laughing.
 
Tonight, Ed wasn’t laughing. He felt like the “effortless” messy bun he’d spent an hour trying to accomplish was going to fall out at any second. The persistent itch under his skin that he needed to get the hell out of here wouldn’t leave him, no matter how hard he tried to convince himself that this was just a dream and he was just waiting for his alarm to go off. 
 
He felt Stede’s arm shift next to him, as if he was reaching for Ed’s hand, and Ed lifted it up to try and tighten his bun a bit. “I feel like this damn thing is going to fall out.”
 
“Looks good to me,” Stede said, falling back a step to give it another look in the fading light. 
 
After a protracted moment where he felt Stede’s eyes lingering on him, Ed felt the corner of his mouth turn up in a smile. “What are you looking at?”
 
“Your hair looks sexy,” Stede replied, his voice on the lower end of his register, and a little thrill zipped up the back of Ed’s head. Then Stede sighed dramatically. “Too bad we can’t blow off the party for some alone time.”
 
A dizzying combination of alarm and excitement rushed through Ed’s middle at that, but he tried to keep his face blank. Stede thought he was talking to his husband, not a practical stranger. “So we’re friends again?”
 
“We were never

not

friends.” Stede fell silent for a moment, their fingers brushing lightly once as they walked, but he didn’t move for Ed’s hand again. “We’re ok. Right?”
 
The vulnerability in his voice awakened the part of Ed that had always ached to reassure Stede. “Of course we are.” He took Stede’s hand, just a quick squeeze before he let go, and offered a crooked smile. “It’s good to be sociable right?”
 
“True,” Stede agreed, then laughed. “Where are you going?”
 
Ed froze and looked over his shoulder at where Stede had paused on the sidewalk. They were standing in front of a large house, almost out of place in the neighborhood with its pristine front lawn devoid of any toys or blemishes and easily the biggest home on the street. Judging by the faint sound of voices and music coming from the back yard, this must be Sam and Noah’s. 
 
“Zoned out, I guess.” Ed let out a low whistle of appreciation as they moved up the walkway. “Nice place.”
 
“They just redid the kitchen, too.” Stede sighed. “I wish we could afford their contractor. Noah was sending me photos of the backsplash and I don’t think I can pull that off.”
 
“Why do you want Noah’s backsplash?” Ed asked before he raised his fist to knock. 
 
An attractive older man with a close cropped white beard and neatly coiffed white hair opened the door and Ed tried to guess if it was Sam or Noah. “You’re alive!” Blue eyes twinkled at him and then Ed found himself being dragged into a bone crushing hug.
 
“Did Stede tell everyone I was dead?” Ed asked with a weak smile, pulling out of the hug as soon as he could.
 
“Oh no, we just figured Stede killed you after that disappearing act, right Sam?”
 
A striking, much younger man with dark hair and brown eyes appeared after he pulled the door open wider and his face lit up when he saw Ed. “Good to see you!” 
 
Ed’s smile felt sickly, but he pasted it on anyway and accepted another hug. There was something about the way that Sam slid his arms around Ed’s shoulders and how his hands molded against Ed’s back that felt dangerous. When he started to lean back, Sam didn’t quite let go. He lingered and slid his hands down to Ed’s bare forearms. “Do you like my shirt?”
 
“Uh…” Ed blinked and looked down at the dark blue silk, unbuttoned down to Sam’s sternum to show off wispy, dark chest hair. Ed absently pinched the fabric at the cuff between his thumb and forefinger and nodded approvingly. “It’s nice. Is it silk?”
 
“It is!” Sam leaned in close enough that Ed got a breath full of his cologne, a spicy scent that wasn’t at all unpleasant, but overwhelming all the same. “I had one in green that I know you said you liked.”
 
“Yeah.” Ed felt like he was choking on Sam’s cologne and he searched desperately for Stede. When he spotted him halfway across the massive living room, Ed extricated himself from Sam’s grip. “Wait up!”
 
“Looks like you need a drink,” Noah said, shooting Ed a look from under lowered brows as they continued into the kitchen.
 
“Understatement,” Ed bit out, then chuckled. “Today’s been weird.”
 
Stede bristled at that and Ed tensed, waiting for Stede to point out that he had been the one abandoned on “their” son’s birthday. But as soon as they entered the gleaming kitchen, Stede just exclaimed a bit too enthusiastically, apparently letting Ed off the hook. And Ed was going to let him.
 
The kitchen was blinding and sterile, and Ed wasn’t sure he liked it. Everything was white, the cabinets, the quartz countertops, the backsplash, the floors, everything except the stainless steel appliances. Sure, the kitchen in Stede’s house was dated, but it was also homey and warm. Still, Stede sighed longingly and reached out to touch the subway tile behind the sparkling clean range. “I wish this tile was in our budget.”
 
“I can talk to our guy and see if we can get it wholesale for you,” Noah offered.
 
A fragment of memory pinged and Ed made a soft noise in the back of his throat as he leaned in close to Stede’s ear. “Remember that shit hole we stayed in our senior year? With the green tile backsplash?”
 
“I still don’t think the tile started out green,” Stede said with a giggle, and Ed’s breath caught at the expression on Stede’s face. He was wide open, always so wide open, and Ed felt almost like he was falling backwards in time. “I never did get that deposit back,” Stede added faintly, his eyes moving over Ed’s face like he could see inside his head.
 
Ed actually laughed, a sharp, bright bark of a laugh that made Stede’s smile widen. “Yeah because you scraped off the backsplash and glued a bunch of broken shit to the wall.”
 
“It was a

mosaic

and you helped me!”
 
Noah was watching their back and forth with a small smile. “That actually sounds pretty cool.”
 
“It wasn’t,” Stede said at the same time as Ed insisted “it was!”
 
“I think you just solved your backsplash problem,” Noah joked. “Come on, now

I

need a drink.”
 
As soon as they stepped outside, Pete seemed to appear out of nowhere, pressing a sweating bottle of beer into Ed’s hand. Lucius hooked an arm through Stede’s and led him to the opposite side of the yard where a bar was set up. Ed watched him go, feeling a little lost without him in this sea of new and unfamiliar things.
 
“How were things when you got home?” Pete asked in a low voice once Noah had peeled away to join one of the many little clusters of people in the large back yard.
 
“Fine.” Ed took a long drink from the bottle, his eyes watering a bit from the carbonation.

“Just like that?” Pete scoffed and shook his head. “You guys are my rock, you know that?”
 
“Stede’s just…like that,” Ed said with a shrug, trying not to squirm at the discomfort of being

anyone’s

rock. “He’s not a pushover or anything, but he’s always been forgiving.” He looked across the yard until his eyes landed on Stede again and the tightness in his chest loosened. “He’s probably a really good dad.”
 
“Huh?” Pete looked at Ed like he was an alien and Ed knocked his shoulder into Pete’s.
 
“You know what I mean, man.” He took another long drink of his beer, searching his mind for small talk. The problem was, he had no idea who anyone here thought he was. “How ‘bout those Yankees?” He ventured and winced when Pete scowled.
 
“Fucking evil empire.”
 
Ed made a disgusted noise. “Right? Who needs that?” Nevermind he had season tickets to the Yankees in real life, apparently dream Ed was a Mets fan. As Pete started rattling off player stats and recapping the Mets game from the day before, Ed felt himself relax. He could smile and nod along with the best of them.
 
Pete had gotten into a rhythm and Ed had followed the season just closely enough to pepper in a comment here and there when Pete’s nose wrinkled slightly and he muttered a low, “incoming,” under his breath.
 
Ed half turned to see Sam nearing with a silver platter full of some kind of pastry. “Hey, Ed, you were looking hungry.”
 
“Fuck me I guess,” Pete said, grinning when Ed choked back a laugh.
 
“Oh hi Pete, I didn’t see you.” Sam pushed the platter closer to Ed. “I made them myself.”
 
“O-oh. OK. I’m actually fine,” Ed lied, his stomach giving a traitorous rumble. There just seemed to be some sort of congealed cream cheese concoction oozing out of the sides and Ed didn’t trust it.
 
“Come on, please?” Sam picked one up and moved like he was going to feed it to Ed. “I want to know what you think.”
 
“I’m really…” Ed leaned away a bit. “Not that hungry.”
 
“I’ll walk away and you’ll be sorry,” Sam teased, definite flirtation in his eyes as he brushed Ed’s lips with the pastry. 
 
Reluctantly, Ed opened his mouth, eyes widening when Sam’s fingers lingered on his bottom lip once the food had been shoved in. He bit down into the slightly flaccid puff pastry and cream cheese exploded out. It was too soft and he covered his mouth with his hand to hide his gag as he tried to get it down.
 
“Good right?” Sam asked expectantly, his smile widening when Ed let out a strangled “mmhmm!” He offered the tray to Pete who shook his head, holding out a hand as if Sam was going to try and force feed him too.
 
As soon as Sam walked away and Ed had managed to swallow the cold lump of cheese and undercooked breading, they both burst into quiet laughter. “Well,” Pete said. “Guess he can’t cook.”
 
“Oh god I can still taste it..” Ed shuddered and tipped the last few drops of beer into his mouth. “I need a lot more alcohol after that.” 
 
*****
 
Ed lost track of Stede eventually, letting himself be moved around the party with Pete practically attached at his hip. He found himself genuinely liking the guy and grateful to have someone to do the heavy lifting in most of their conversations while he got himself nice and tipsy. 
 
A cigarette was shoved into his hand at one point and he let himself enjoy it. He’d quit smoking years ago, but it always hit the spot when he was drinking and apparently, he and dream Ed had this in common. “This guy’s not so bad,” he told Pete as he stubbed his cigarette butt out.
 
“Who?” Pete asked, eyebrows high.
 
“Dream Ed.” He clapped Pete on the shoulder when he blinked in confusion. “Another drink?”
 
“Maybe we find a snack.”
 
They meandered into the kitchen and Ed actually had to squint against the way the overhead lights glinted off the countertops. There was a small cluster of people at the counter sharing a bag of something, with Stede at the center looking so pretty that Ed had to smile. “He was always so beautiful,” he murmured softly to Pete, who chuckled and elbowed Ed in the ribs.
 
“I just don’t think the HOA has the right to make me paint over my mural,” Roach, who Ed had met earlier, insisted, his arms crossed defensively across his chest.
 
Stede narrowed his eyes. “You know I’m a criminal defense attorney, yes?” Something about that filled Ed’s heart with warmth. The plan had always been corporate law, which Stede had dreaded, but clearly he had broken away.
 
“You went to law school,” Roach replied with a hand wave and a light scoff.
 
“A lifetime ago!” Stede laughed and shook his head. “It really depends on what the specific language is in your HOA contract. But I know someone in contract law and I can put you in contact with them.”
 
Pete shoved a bag of chips into Ed’s hands, but he was too busy looking at Stede, watching him take care of everyone around him even when he was supposed to be enjoying a night off. Some things never changed.
 
“Most of your work is pro bono, right?” Sam asked as he popped a couple of popcorn kernels in his mouth.
 
“A good chunk of it.” Stede snickered. “The mother of one of my clients was so grateful for what we did for her son that she made me this hand embroidered sweater.” A few people groaned. “It was beautiful! But when I put it on, I realized she had misspelled lawyers. So I spent the rest of the day walking around in a sweater that said ‘non-profit layers do it for free.’”
 
Stede had started giggling before he’d finished his sentence and everyone else’s laughter filled the enormous space. There was something so playful about Stede, so free, and Ed couldn’t help his own laugh bursting out of him. An ancient fondness softened Ed up all over as Stede’s eyes landed on him and his smile widened.
 
There was something so seductive about this, about believing that if he hadn’t left, if they had worked it out, he and Stede could have had this idyllic life in the suburbs. Except their house needed repairs and their closet was too small and Stede was just giving away his services.
 
“So you’re a lawyer. A non-profit lawyer.” It came out a bit more like an accusation than Ed intended and Stede’s laughter gave way to a nervous sounding giggle.
 
“Ed?”
 
“So you work and nobody gets paid, is that it?” Ed shoved the bag of chips back into Pete’s hands and stalked out of the kitchen and into the dining room, hoping to find some real food and, ideally, a way out of this fucking nightmare.
 
“Anywho!” Stede said brightly from behind him, breaking the tense silence that Ed had left in his wake. 
 
A hand at his elbow pulled him up short and Ed half turned, hoping to see Stede and jerking his arm away when it was Sam. “You ok?”
 
“Yep. Can you point me to the bathroom?”
 
Sam laughed and linked his arm into Ed’s. “We haven’t moved it since the last time.” Still, he seemed happy to lead Ed there, even seemed like he wanted to follow Ed inside, but Ed closed the door in his face as politely as possible.
 
*****
 
Ed found Stede again outside, but before he could apologize for his outburst or, preferably, beg Stede to take him home, someone busted out a box of sparklers and they found themselves standing in a misshapen circle in the backyard. A few lighters were passed around and soon the air was alive with the hissing sound of the sparklers burning out.
 
Across from Ed, Stede’s face was lit eerily by the yellow light. He cocked his head when he met Stede’s eye and he drew a smiley face, the glittery grin fading in phases. Stede drew a heart that ended up looking more like an ass as it disappeared. Ed nodded thoughtfully, then started drawing again until Stede smirked and rolled his eyes at the glittering cock and balls. He touched the side of his nose with his index finger, then used the last of his sparkler to draw an arrow pointing towards the house, a questioning look on his face.
 
Relief washed through Ed and he nodded just before his sparkler died. “Who wants another?” Pete called, rattling the box.
 
“Not us, I’m afraid. Joey’s been having a bit of sleep regression and it’s getting late.” Stede offered, apologetically. He started saying his goodbyes and hugging everyone near enough to touch while Ed dodged everyone as well as he could until they had worked their way to the sliding glass door leading into the kitchen. Ed breathed a heavy sigh of relief once they’d made it through the house and back out the front door. “You alright?” Stede asked lightly.
 
“Yeah, just ready for bed.” They fell into step side by side, neither of them talking, and Ed hesitated slightly when they reached the corner. He couldn’t remember which direction they’d come from and he hoped it didn’t show.
 
“How much did you have to drink?” Stede teased, taking Ed’s elbow and guiding him towards their house. Ed just grunted noncommittally and they continued on in companionable silence. Truthfully, his buzz was a low hum, making him a little fuzzy at the edges, but it would wear off soon. Everything started to look familiar and Ed was actually relieved to see the house,

their

house, if only because it meant he’d be asleep soon and maybe this bizarre nightmare would end. 
 
Stede broke away from Ed to jog over the grass, grabbing the green hose coiled up in the flower bed and twisting the spigot. The hose gave a sputter, then a steady stream poured out and Stede held it carefully away from his body as he bent to drink. Water spilled over his chin and rolled down his neck, and he didn’t even seem to care. When he’d had his fill and he dropped the hose back into its place, he straightened, swiping his chin against his shoulder to dry it on his sleeve. “What?” He asked when he caught Ed gaping at him. “Did you want some?”
 
“You’ve changed,” Ed mused and his brow furrowed when Stede laughed. 
 
They crept inside quietly, shushing each other and giggling as they stumbled up to their bedroom like a couple of drunk teenagers. It was familiar, comfortable, and if he let himself, Ed could just pretend he was 22 years old, falling in love for the first time, the only time, if he was honest, and enjoy it.
 
But what if, impossibly, this was real? Stede thought he was with his husband, not the man who left him and never looked back. So when Stede wrapped his arms around Ed’s waist and kissed his neck, whispered how sexy he’d looked all night, Ed lifted Stede’s hand up to his lips and kissed his knuckles before carefully easing out of his grip.
 
“I’m gonna pass out in about five seconds,” he said lamely, trying to ignore the surprised look on Stede’s face. It didn’t matter. This wasn’t real. He wasn’t really trying to fall asleep teetering on the edge of a bed that was too small for an inch of space between their bodies.
 
It was just a dream.

----- CHAPTER BREAK -----

For exactly ten seconds the next morning, Ed thought it had all been a dream. Something woke him and he slid his hand over the bed, reaching for Stede like it was a habit still after all these years. When he touched nothing but sheets, he smiled, his eyes still squeezed tightly shut.

I’m going to open my eyes to my gorgeous fucking aparment and by lunch time, I’ll forget about all of this.

Then he heard the sound of crying through the baby monitor sitting on his side table, growing louder and more urgent by the second. “No,” he moaned softly, and finally let his eyes flutter open. “No,” he whined again when he saw blue walls. Water was running in the bathroom and he rolled out of bed to rap on the door. There was no answer, so Ed shoved the door open, grunting when it stuck and almost falling face first inside when it gave way.

Something Kinda Funny

by the Spice Girls was pouring from a bluetooth speaker and Stede was singing along, the vague outline of him dancing visible through the frosted glass of the shower door. Ed’s voice failed the first time he tried to speak, utterly transfixed by the alluring sway of Stede’s hips. “Scuse me,” he tried again, able to project over the sound of the water and music this time.
 
“What is it?” Stede asked, sounding vaguely annoyed as he slid the shower door open.
 
Unable to help himself, Ed ran his eyes down Stede’s body, slick with water and soap. His muscles had rounded out over the years, his chest and biceps much fuller than Ed remembered. His belly looked bitably soft, but solid and his thighs were taut and strong, tapering down to shapely calves that Ed wouldn’t mind…

“Ed,” Stede prompted, laughter and heat in his voice.
 
Ed dragged his eyes slowly back up Stede’s body, his heart giving a little kick when he saw that Stede had responded to Ed’s staring. At least he wasn’t the only one. Then his eyes finally met Stede’s, affection and desire lighting his expression. “That…um…that baby is crying,” Ed said awkwardly, trying to keep his eyes fixed on Stede’s face.
 
“And?”
 
“And…someone should probably help him.” Ed couldn’t help following a drop of water as it rolled down Stede’s neck, down his chest, where it followed the slope of his pink nipple and stayed there.
 
“It’s your day, Ed.” Stede smirked when Ed looked up to protest. “Don’t give me that look. I took him yesterday morning.”
 
“I really don’t think I’m qualified,” Ed insisted, allowing himself one step into the bathroom, his mind a million miles away from anything but the dripping wet, half hard man in front of him.
 
Stede’s laugh was husky and Ed felt his lips curving in an answering smile. “Keep it in your pants, Teach. Can you go get Joey before he makes himself sick?”
 
“But…”
 
Stede closed the shower door before Ed could finish his thought, singing and dropping his hips like he hadn’t missed a beat.

Happiness is just a state of your mind.

Keep searching, who knows what you may find?

The rules are for fools, and fool’s paradise is hard to find.

Ed stared at the Stede shaped blob through the shower door for another minute until he couldn’t ignore the sound of the baby’s misery any longer. He trudged out of the bathroom to try and figure out what the hell he was supposed to do with a crying kid. He clicked the monitor off on his way out of the room, the tinny shrieks burrowing into his ear like the grating sound of a dentist’s drill.
 
Cece was waiting outside the nursery next to Ed and Stede’s room, her arms crossed and a her head cocked to one side like she was studying him. “There you are,” she said sternly, dropping her r’s.
 
“Here I am,” Ed agreed.

For all the good it does anyone.

Joey was standing up in his crib, his little hands curled around the slats like he was in a jail cell. His face was red and splotchy from crying, and as soon as Ed walked into the room, his breath hitched, he let himself fall onto his bottom, and put his thumb in his mouth. His wide eyes were still watery, but the presence of an adult had clearly lessened the urgency. 
 
“Hey buddy,” Ed said tentatively, keenly aware of Cece at his side. Joey reached his arms up as soon as Ed got close enough to bend into the crib to pick him up. As soon as he’d hefted the little boy up into his arms, he smelled something foul. “Oh god, please no.”
 
“Joey!” Cece chided with a giggle. She plugged her nose and made a show of waving a hand in front of her face. “Pee yew!”
 
Ed looked around the room desperately and Cece, as if she could sense that Ed had no idea what he was doing, walked towards a table up against the wall with what looked like a tiny mattress on top. Ed gingerly laid Joey down and unzipped the footie pajamas slowly, as if he was marching to the gallows. 
 
Once he’d wrestled wiggly legs out of the PJs, he took a deep breath, which ended up being a mistake. “Kid, what are you eating?” He peeled one tab up, then the other, then he tensed his body and pulled the front of the soggy diaper down. The smell was so intense that Ed had to cover his mouth with his arm to take a clean breath. He held it and looked around for a clue as to what he should do next.
 
A container hit the table next to Joey’s feet and Ed looked down at Cece watching him expectantly. “Wipes,” she said, her tone matter of fact. 
 
Ed cleaned the wiggling baby up as quickly as he could, taking as few breaths as possible, then slid the diaper out from under him. “Now what?”
 
“You kinda wrap the diaper up like a bundle to keep everything inside. Yeah, good,” Cece said, then stepped down on the foot pedal on a little white trash can on the floor to pop the lid up. “It goes in here. And then the clean diapers are on this shelf.”
 
Ed wasn’t at all sure the diaper would hold when he was done, but the baby was covered and not dirty, so he was going to go ahead and count it as a win. Joey looked up at him and squealed with a great big smile on his face while Ed wrestled his chubby legs back into his pajamas. “You have a lot of nerve smiling at me after what you just did,” Ed told him sternly as he lifted him off the table and into an awkward hold. 
 
“Abba,” Joey replied cheerfully.
 
Cece tugged on Ed’s pajama shirt and Ed looked down. “Can I help you?”
 
“You’re not my daddy, are you?” She asked, her expression and tone entirely matter of fact.
 
Ed sucked in a sharp inhale, reassurance on the tip of his tongue. “No,” he said instead, the relief of saying it out loud immense. 
 
He watched her face for signs of devastation, but she just nodded like that was what she expected. “Where is he?”
 
“I honestly don’t know.” For a moment, Ed imagined the version of himself that knew how to change a diaper trying to manage the merger, but that thought made the small of his back sweat, so he pushed it to the side. “He’s safe, though,” he promised.
 
“Can you make peanut butter and jelly?”
 
“I think I can figure that out.”
 
“Do you like kids?” She asked, and her bottom lip trembled a bit as her eyes took on a slight sheen.
 
“Well…” Ed hedged. “You and your brother seem nice apart from the abomination that just occurred.” She blinked fast and Ed felt slightly panicked. “Are you going to cry?”
 
Her lip trembled again, but she shook her head. “I miss him.”
 
“He’s a good dad?” Ed asked, trying to ignore Joey’s hands moving all over his face.
 
Her face brightened and she smiled wide. “The best.”
 
“Ok well…I just have to figure out how to do…” he gestured vaguely with the arm that wasn’t tucked around Joey. “All of this and hopefully we can fix this. So what’s next?”
 
Cece looked skeptical. “Breakfast.”
 
“Believe it or not, I can handle breakfast.”
 
She led him down the stairs and into the kitchen, where Stede was waiting in front of the coffee pot in slacks and a button down dress shirt scrolling on his phone. “Good morning, your highness,” he said when Cece threw her arms around his legs. 
 
“Morning, Dad.”
 
“You look nice,” Ed said, letting his eyes linger on the peak of chest at Stede’s open collar.
 
Stede flashed him a brief smile before returning his attention to his phone. “Can you get Jo Jo to daycare and Cece to camp before you go in to work today? I have a mountain of work to catch up on before Monday.”
 
“Uh…” Ed wasn’t at all sure he could, but Cece flashed him a surreptitious thumbs up sign. “Yeah, of course.” He let Stede take Joey out of his arms, sagging in relief as he shook out his aching bicep. “What do we want for breakfast?”
 
“Nothing for me.” Stede deftly got Joey situated in a high chair, answering the sweet voiced babbling with a running commentary of his plans for the day. “Yes, Joseph, it

is

Saturday and I’m paying for taking the last two days off.”
 
Cece, meanwhile, was rummaging around in the fridge and emerged with a carton of eggs clutched carefully in both hands. “Here you go, Daddy.”
 
Eggs he could handle and he accepted the carton. “Scrambled? Over easy? Poached?”
 
Stede snickered as he poured coffee into a travel mug. “Have a good day, family.” He kissed Cece on the forehead, then Joey, and Ed smiled when a peck landed on his jaw before Stede disappeared from the kitchen.
 
Cece directed him around the kitchen once Stede had left and Ed pulled together scrambled eggs and toast while she oversaw him from a footstool with her arms crossed. “You’re so much like your dad,” he said fondly as he was scooping eggs onto plates.
 
She cocked her head to the side. “How do you know?”
 
“I knew him a long time ago.” He set the pan back on the stove and stopped when she reached out a hand to rest on his arm, letting her pull his face down so they were looking directly at each other.
 
With both of her small hands on either side of his face, she searched his eyes for a moment, then pinched his nose with one hand while the other moved along his jaw like she was looking for something. “They did a good job.”
 
“Who?” 
 
“The aliens,” she said decisively.
 
Ed laughed, then schooled his features into a serious expression when she looked offended. “Thank you.”
 
“Promise you won’t plant things in me and my brother’s brains?” The suspicious sheen of tears in her eyes was back and Ed felt slightly panicked in his desperation to keep them from spilling over.
 
“I swear.” He drew a cross over his heart to emphasize the point and she smiled bravely at him.
 
“Welcome to earth.”
 
*****
 
They ate breakfast, Joey mostly smearing his eggs across the tray of his high chair while he babbled, then Cece helped with the rest of the morning routine. Once the kids were dressed and their teeth were brushed, Ed was ready to collapse from exhaustion and he was still in his pajamas. 
 
He dressed as quickly as possible in jeans that felt more like his, the nicest t-shirt he could find, and a blazer that was a little too big in the shoulders to be flattering. Still, he looked pretty nice and his hair cooperated when he put it half up, half down. He hadn’t realized he’d missed his longer hair, but looking at his reflection, he felt a deep satisfaction at the way the salt and pepper curls looked tumbling over his shoulders.
 
By the time he was pulling up to the daycare center, a cheerful looking building with a fenced in playground up front, he had sweat through his t-shirt and he was ready to put Cece through whatever college her tiny heart desired after she’d eagerly talked him through everything step by step. “Push the red button and then you gotta push the silver one to loosen the straps,” she said when he looked helplessly at Joey’s car seat. He’d gotten the kid

in

ok, but getting him out of the deceptively complicated harness turned out to be a whole new challenge. “I don’t want to hurt him!” Ed shouted when it felt like he had to practically bend Joey’s leg all the way up to his chest. But the happy little boy just grinned and giggled up at Ed until he’d been freed from the contraption,
 
“OK, where to next?” He asked after they’d handed the baby off to a fresh faced young woman who didn’t look nearly scared enough to hold a bunch of little lives in her hands.
 
“The community center where I have my summer theater camp, then you gotta go to work.”
 
Ed googled the community center then pulled up the directions in the map app, cranking up the AC as high as he could. “You wouldn’t happen to know where I work, would you?”
 
“Nana Lizzy and Papa Fletch’s shop!” 
 
Ed’s brow furrowed and he twisted around in his seat to look at where Cece was buckled into her car seat. “My mom has a shop?”
 
“Yep! She sells jellies and things.”
 
“And I work there,” Ed said doubtfully.
 
“We

all

help out around the shop, but you help the most and you make things.” She wrinkled her tiny nose. “Stinky things.”
 
“That’s not ominous at all. Ok nerd, let’s get you to theater camp.”
 
“Hey!” She shouted with a giggle.
 
After Cece clambered out of the car, Ed spent a few minutes on Google trying to figure out where the hell his mom’s shop was. She’d been making preserves and jam most of his life. Her stand at farmer’s markets had been wildly successful, and she’d met Fletcher when his honey stand ended up next to hers. He wondered what twist her road had taken that had led her to opening Lizzy’s Preserves in Sleepy Hollow instead of retiring.
 
Driving into Sleepy Hollow was a bit like driving back in time, except that the streets of the business center were choked with cars, tourists around for the long holiday weekend most likely. He circled the block where his mom’s shop was located a few times before he found a place to park, then he trudged up the sidewalk, regretting the blazer immensely as the summer sun roasted him.
 
The jangle of an old fashioned bell over the door accompanied him as he walked into the little store, and he paused to look around. The space was cramped, but homey. The walls were painted with intricate vines and there were shelves upon shelves of gleaming jars. “Oh perfect timing!” Elizabeth called from behind the counter as she finished up with a customer. “I need to get home to Fletcher so he doesn’t do something insane like try to mow the lawn.”
 
“Doesn’t that guy still come by?” Ed asked as he approached the counter. A rotating display of glass Christmas ornaments sat on one end and a case of beeswax lip balm was nestled right next to the cash register.
 
Elizabeth’s brow furrowed and she bent to get her purse from under the counter. “You mean the neighbor’s son? He went off to college so I’ve been doing it until I can find someone I can afford.”
 
“No I mean the lawn care guy I…” Ed trailed off. He clearly didn’t have the money to send a nurse and a gardener to help his parents out in this

glimpse.

“Maybe one of us can come do it for you tomorrow.”
 
“Don’t be ridiculous. Sunday is the only day you and Stede both have off. Enjoy the time with your family.” She kissed his cheek and started out the door, turning back as she held it open for a couple as they walked in. “Before I forget, we’re almost out of those pickled green beans.”
 
“Excuse me?”
 
“I don’t know what you put in them but people went nuts.” She blew him a kiss over her shoulder. “Call me if you need anything!”
 
Ed stepped gingerly behind the counter and examined the register. He may as well have been asked to defuse a bomb, but after the first few customers, he had it figured out and the steady stream of people in and out kept him too busy to worry about anything but getting through the day. Things slowed down around dinner time and he tidied up the shop as well as he could. He explored the back room and found fresh jars of products to replenish the shelves up front.
 
It was almost 8:00 before he realized that the hours posted on the door said that they closed at 7:00, and it took another 20 minutes for him to figure out how to shut everything down and which key locked the front door. By the time he pulled into the driveway of the dream house, he was starving and so bone tired he wanted to flop face first on the dewy grass of the front lawn and stay there. He dragged himself inside and almost ran into Stede pacing the hallway with a fussy Joey clutched to his chest. His hair was messy and the sleeves of his dress shirt were shoved sloppily up his arms, but he looked so…content. “Busy night?” He asked, his lips quirked up in a smile when his eyes landed on Ed.
 
“Stede, I’m going to be honest with you, I forgot what time we closed so I stood there in an empty shop for 40 minutes trying to find things to do.”
 
“Oh no.” Stede tried to sound sympathetic, but it wasn’t overly convincing when he was laughing and Ed felt his own smile pulling across his lips. 
 
“You’re laughing? I haven’t eaten since breakfast and you’re laughing?”
 
“That is serious,” Stede agreed gravely, then jerked his head towards the kitchen. “There’s a plate in the fridge for you. Saved you extra potatoes.”
 
“A saint among men,” Ed replied, already rushing towards the kitchen. He warmed up the chicken, mashed potatoes and gravy, and roasted broccoli in the microwave, then ate half of it standing up at the counter. The ache in his feet finally outweighed his hunger, and he finished the rest after he sank into a chair with a sigh.
 
After he rinsed his plate and put it in the sink, he wandered back towards the living room. Stede was sitting in one of the chairs, rocking back and forth as he slowly rubbed Joey’s back and the baby slumped onto his shoulder. He caught Ed’s eye and smiled. “Go on, put your feet up. I’ve got this.” 
 
The shower felt like heaven, the hot water loosening the knots in his shoulders and relieving the feeling that he’d spent the day bathing in his own sweat. His hair probably needed a wash, but he kept it piled on his head for now. He didn’t want to go to bed with wet hair and he was pretty sure he was going to fall asleep as soon as got under the covers.
 
He changed into a pair of gym shorts, turned on an oscillating fan set up at the foot of the bed, and got under the covers with a happy sigh. It had been a

long

time since he’d spent a day working on his feet and he missed his desk almost as much as he missed his bed. 
 
Once he was settled in, he expected to feel sleep creeping in, but he was tired to the point of restlessness. He’d been almost understimulated all day, just moving from one customer to the next instead of really connecting to anyone as he tried to get his footing. He grabbed the remote from Stede’s side of the bed with a sigh and turned on the tv perched on a small glass fronted cabinet up against the opposite wall.
 
They actually had cable and he channel surfed until he landed on CNBC. There was something comforting about the chyron at the bottom, the detached way that the anchor tirelessly rehashed old news from when the market had closed for the weekend the day before. He felt himself lulled into sleepiness, his chin drifting closer and closer to his chest as his head grew heavy. The anchor’s voice felt almost dreamlike at the periphery of his consciousness. 
 
“On Monday, Hornigold Pharmaceuticals is set to close the deal in a merger with Badminton Health.”
 
The drowsiness cleared and Ed sat up straighter at the mention of Hornigold. This was

his

deal and apparently, it was happening without him. He snatched the remote off the bedspread and turned the volume up.
 
“Critics of the merger cite US antitrust laws, claiming that the deal will strain an already strained health care system. Hornigold has brushed off these concerns and asks that reporters speak to President of Queen Anne Investors, and architect of this deal, Israel Hands.”
 
“Izzy!” Ed sputtered, feeling like his head was about to explode.
 
“Acting on a tip that the Badmintons were looking to make a move…” the anchor continued through Ed’s protestations.
 
“Yeah, a tip we got because

Charles

had his kids in the same damn daycare,” Ed groused at the television.
 
“Mr. Hands has deferred all questions at this time, and it is likely we will have a statement on Monday before the markets close.”
 
“Unfuckingbelievable.” Ed grabbed his phone and opened up the browser while the news moved on to the next recycled story, searching for more details. If it had been him, the deal would have been signed before the markets closed on Friday. Big news like this was always better on a Friday rather than giving the media the entire week to chew on it.
 
The door opened, but Ed didn’t look up. Every news story said basically the same thing and he wanted to throw his phone across the room. He’d been the one driving this god damn deal and now he had no idea what was going on any more than anyone else. 
 
“The kids are asleep,” Stede said urgently and Ed looked up from his phone to see Stede with his back pressed against their closed bedroom door, bent awkwardly to pull one sock off, then the other. “Ed, the kids are asleep,” he said again as he crossed the room to turn off the television and fuss with a bluetooth speaker.
 
“I was watching that,” Ed complained.
 
Stede just laughed and turned towards Ed, his phone in his hand. “Edward. The kids. Are asleep.” He raised an eyebrow suggestively and tapped his phone screen with his thumb. The familiar drum beat at the beginning of

The Beautiful Ones

drifted out of the speaker and Ed swallowed hard when Stede started unbuttoning his dress shirt. He paused at the side of the bed to click on the baby monitor, then cupped Ed’s jaw and leaned down to kiss each of his fluttering eyelids.
 
“Are you trying to seduce me?” 
 
“If you have to ask, maybe I’m not doing this right,” Stede teased, trailing one hand from Ed’s knee to push under the hem of his shorts and up his thigh.
 
“No no, you’re doing it very fucking right.” Ed’s breath caught in his throat when Stede put one knee down on the bed, then slung his other leg over to straddle Ed’s hips. “Sh–should we open a bottle of wine first?”
 
Stede laughed and leaned in, sliding his hands up Ed’s bare chest. “Darling, after the day you had, you’ll be asleep in half an hour. But that’s very sweet, I’ll remember it for next time.”
 
Ed tried to remind himself that Stede wasn’t his husband, that this wasn’t his life, that he shouldn’t let himself melt into Stede. But the hands on his chest and the open desire on Stede’s face were intoxicating. “You want me?” Ed asked, his voice coming out low and breathy as he leaned up to bring his lips closer to Stede’s, to taste the same air that Stede was breathing.
 
Stede’s laugh was throaty this time, sending shivers down Ed’s spine. “Always,” he breathed before he pressed his lips to Ed’s.
 
Something seemed to burst open in Ed’s chest. He hadn’t kissed this man in 13 years, had spent the last decade telling himself it had just been young love, that he had overblown it in his mind. Yet at the first brush of Stede’s lips against his, he felt like every single nerve ending in his body was a lit fuse.

I missed you

sat at the tip of his tongue, moved through where his fingers pressed into Stede’s hips.
 
He opened for Stede, and moaned at the first stroke of his tongue. How did the Ed in this life do anything

but

kiss Stede Bonnet? He had always loved kissing Stede, from the first time pressing a quick kiss to Stede’s stunned lips to the last kiss goodbye. But somehow, it was different now. Steadier, more routine, but not in a way that felt stale. It just felt like being known.
 
With an arm wrapped around Stede’s waist, Ed lifted him up then laid him out on his back so he could settle between Stede’s legs, relishing the way they wrapped around his hips. He worked the last of Stede’s buttons open with one hand and found Stede’s lips again, kissing him like it needed to sustain him another 13 years. Once he had Stede’s shirt open, the press of skin to skin, Stede’s heart raging against Ed’s, Stede’s fingers tracing the curve of Ed’s spine, and their lips fused together, the sense that Ed was finally home stole the air from his lungs.
 
He pulled away to catch his breath and look down into Stede’s face, but the tightness in his chest only got worse. The way Stede looked at him, the softness in his face like Ed was something cherished, it clawed into him. He didn’t deserve this, not after he’d

left,

but before he could spiral, Stede had a palm on his cheek, stroking his jaw with his thumb.
 
“Where’d you go?” Stede murmured.
 
“I just…you’re so beautiful.” Ed dropped his weight back into Stede so he could press their foreheads together. “You were always so beautiful to me, from the day we met, but…” he pulled back just enough that he could really look at Stede’s face. The lines bracketing his mouth were deeper, the crows feet around his eyes brand new, telling him that Stede smiled and laughed so much that it left a mark. “You’ve only gotten more beautiful. You take my breath away.”
 
Stede blinked up at him, a stunned smile curving his lips. “How do you do that?”
 
“Do what?” Ed asked, brushing the tip of his nose against Stede’s.
 
“After all these years, sometimes you still look at me like you’re seeing me for the first time.” Before Ed could respond to that, Stede grabbed hold of him with a hand at the nape of his neck and the other cradling his jaw and pulled him back down for a blistering kiss. They moved together, Stede sliding a hand under the waistband of Ed’s gym shorts to palm his ass and Ed fumbling with Stede’s belt. 
 
Ed got Stede’s belt open and dropped the button on his slacks, then slid his palm over Stede’s belly. Coarse hair against his palm made his cock throb and he moved against Stede, seeking friction. Their hips found a rhythm, grinding against each other like getting undressed was too much waiting. 
 
Stede’s head was thrown back, his bottom lip caught between his teeth, and Ed finally slipped a hand into Stede’s pants to find his cock stiff, the tip leaking precum. “Is this for me?” Ed breathed, grinding his own aching length into Stede’s thigh as he gave a light squeeze and a slow stroke.
 
“Been thinking about you all day,” Stede choked out.
 
“Mm, yeah I’ve missed you too,” Ed murmured, licking and nipping at Stede’s throat.
 
“I know it’s been a whole four days–ah

fuck,”

Stede whined when Ed gave his hand a little twist. 
 
He felt himself getting close and it was almost funny. He had a pretty good sex life. When he wanted it, it wasn’t hard to find someone. But he couldn’t remember the last time he’d been so turned on that grinding was enough to get him off. He found Stede’s lips with his again, needing to be kissing him when they came, to feel every tremble as…
 
A wail erupted from the baby monitor and they both froze. Stede groaned and gently pushed against Ed’s shoulders. “I’ve got him.”
 
“Five minutes?” Ed pleaded even as he let himself be pushed onto his back so Stede could get up and right his clothes. 
 
“I don’t want him to wake up Cece.” Stede finished fixing his clothes and then leaned down to give Ed a quick peck on the lips. “Hold that thought.” He winked and then flitted out of the room.
 
Ed blew out a long breath and he couldn’t help laughing at himself. He felt warm all over, even with the interruption. Being pressed up against Stede felt better than good, it felt

right.

Like he was exactly where he was supposed to be. 
 
“Hi Jo Jo,” Stede’s voice crackled over the baby monitor and Ed smiled when the baby immediately quieted to a soft whimper. “Your teeth are coming in, huh buddy?” Joey babbled something in response, his sweet voice wavering. “Lay down, there we go sweet boy,” Stede crooned.
 
Ed listened to his voice, the soothing sound catching in his chest. Stede was so good at this, a natural, and Ed was stumbling into his life like a damn bull in a china shop. He had left, walked away from Stede and not looked back. Stede thought he was with his husband, the man who had been by his side through thick and thin, who had been there when both of these kids had come home for the first time. Ed was an imposter. Maybe he was where he was supposed to be when he was in Stede’s arms, but the rest of it fit him like a cheap suit that was a size too big.
 
When the door opened again, Ed closed his eyes and focused on keeping his breathing deep and even. He heard Stede’s soft laugh, the sigh as he pulled the blanket up over Ed’s shoulders. Lips brushed his cheek and Ed’s heart ached when Stede whispered, “Goodnight, my love.”
 
The light clicked off and Ed listened as Stede closed himself in the bathroom to get ready for bed. When the bed dipped and Stede got under the covers next to him, it was tempting to pull his body in close, kiss the junction of his neck and shoulder, finish what they’d started. But this tiny bed wasn’t his,

Stede

wasn’t his, and hadn’t been for a long time.

----- CHAPTER BREAK -----

A week after Ed woke up in the wrong life, he thought he was getting the hang of things. With Cece’s help, he had a routine down for getting the kids ready and she seemed to get a kick out of being his partner in crime. She gave him little insights like how her version of Ed would bring Stede breakfast in bed on Sundays, even if it was just a bagel and a cup of coffee. She told him how Joey got fussy around 1:30 because he needed a nap but he needed to be tricked into taking it. And she stood at his elbow to help him get her preferred peanut butter to jelly ratio exactly right when he made her lunch.
 
The rest of his life, his job in particular, was taking a bit more getting used to and he wasn’t sure how to ask for help without sounding like aliens had actually taken over his body. The supply of pickled products was running low after the long weekend, and it became apparent that replenishing that was Ed’s job when his mother showed up Tuesday morning for their farmer’s market crawl and a list of what Ed needed to bring with him to work on Wednesday.
 
When he got home from the farmers market with massive amounts of red onions, radishes, and green beans, he tried searching online for pickling recipes until Cece dropped a leather bound recipe book on the counter, a sour look on her face. “I’m gonna go play outside white you stink the place up.”
 
He could see her from the window looking out over the backyard, flitting from the swing set to a little playhouse set up in the back corner, shaded under an elm tree. Joey sat in his high chair while Ed chopped vegetables and made pickling liquid. “You don’t mind the smell do you?” He asked, and Joey responded by babbling and slamming his pudgy palms down on his high chair tray, sending Cheerios skittering to the floor.
 
He found he didn’t mind the smell, or the work, and he was fascinated by the notes in the margin, the trial and error that had clearly gone into getting everything exactly right. He’d always enjoyed cooking and experimenting in the kitchen, but with his long hours at the office, it wasn’t something he did a lot of anymore. His feet ached by the time he had sealed the last jar.
 
Ed was figuring it out, wondering how long he had to slog through before he’d learned his lesson or whatever and finally got to wake up in his own bed. Not that it was all bad. Cece and Joey were a handful, but they were funny and weird and making them smile felt as triumphant as any boardroom victory. Spending more time with his mum was nice. And Stede was…well, he was Stede. Sweet and bitchy at turns, and even after all this time, it seemed he was still Ed’s favorite person.
 
So things were strange, but fine. Then a pipe burst. He spent his second Sunday morning in Tarrytown trying to keep Cece from hovering curiously over the plumber’s shoulder, at one point scooping her up and carrying her out of the room when she tried to propose to the poor guy. Then he was arguing about the estimate they’d received versus the final cost of the repair while Cece stood angrily at Ed’s elbow, her proposal rescinded. At least Stede had Joey with him at the grocery store. 
 
Ed needed a cold beer and a quiet room when it was all over, but he found himself being ushered out the door by an impossibly effervescent Stede once he’d put the groceries away. He gave Ed a funny look when he had to punch in the directions to the mall into his phone, but didn’t say anything and Ed was grateful.
 
“I should just make it to my appointment at the Apple store,” Stede said brightly as Ed pulled into a parking spot in the crowded lot.
 
“Goodie,” Ed replied, only the slightest bite of sarcasm creeping into his tone. 
 
“Dad, remember you promised new ballet slippers?” Cece asked hopefully, slipping her hand into Stede’s while Ed fought with the latch on the collapsible stroller to open it up.
 
“I did, didn’t I? A promise is a promise.”
 
Heat radiated off the black top as they crossed the parking lot and sweat rolled down the back of Ed’s neck. The AC when they walked through the automatic doors in the echoey mall was a relief, but his t-shirt still stuck to his back and under his arms. They dropped off Stede’s phone first, then walked to the other side of the mall to find Cece’s $25 ballet slippers. 
 
They bounced from store to store. Joey needed a few pairs of shorts after a recent growth spurt. Even on sale, they spent $32. The sole of Stede’s right running shoe was separated at the toe and the replacements at Foot Locker were $78 on sale. Ed tightened his hands on the handle of the stroller. He’d seen their bank account. They were ok, but after the plumber had fleeced them for an extra $200, every bit added up. 
 
Cece pointed eagerly at a small train driving around the periphery of the mall. “Can we ride the train, Dad?” 
 
Cartoonish train tracks were painted on the ground leading up to the podium where the train boarded and Ed bent to look at the pricing. “Six bucks per person?” He exclaimed. “That’s $24 to drive in a circle.”
 
“I get paid tomorrow, we’ll be ok.” Stede rubbed Ed’s back soothingly, but Ed shrugged him off.
 
“You and Cece can do it. I’ll push Joey around in a circle in the stroller and we’ll see who has a better time.” 
 
Stede narrowed his eyes, but nodded and Ed left them to wait at the podium. He wandered past shops, some nameless cheap shoe store between Kate Spade and a Disney Store, a Claire’s that looked like Lisa Frank had thrown up inside, some pop up athleisure store. His feet hurt, every dollar they spent made his chest tight, and he was fucking hungry. He was surrounded by things he couldn’t have, and he looked forlornly into the glass windows of the Gucci store at a display of leather bomber jackets that had him practically salivating.
 
He wandered inside, feeling absurdly out of place with the stroller rolling in front of him in his cheap jeans and paint splattered shoes. He just wanted to touch the buttery leather, wanted to have something fine in his hands. He’d spent his entire childhood and many of his adult years living hand to mouth, and the security of knowing there was money whenever he wanted or needed anything was something he had fought hard for. Maybe he was materialistic, but he hated the sick pit in his stomach every time he swiped his debit card here.
 
“That’s a beautiful jacket,” the sales associate murmured soothingly from behind where Ed was standing with the brown leather sleeve in his hand.
 
Ed half turned and offered a crooked smile. “I love that these more oversized silhouettes are back in fashion. And this leather is…”
 
“Like

butter,”

the associate supplied, hitting his New Jersey accent hard.
 
By the time Stede and Cece found them, Ed was standing in front of a floor length mirror wearing the jacket with the collar flipped up, pretty sure he’d never loved a garment more. “Oh Ed.” Stede’s voice was soft, awed almost, and his expression in the mirror made Ed preen. “You look unbelievable in that.” He pitched his voice low, just for the two of them. “So sexy.”
 
“Have you ever looked so good in something that it made you feel like a better person?” Ed asked with a dreamy sigh, gliding his hands down the front of the jacket.
 
Stede laughed and nodded. “Rest in peace to my college wardrobe. I do still have that Tom Ford trench coat though.”
 
“Timeless,” Ed replied approvingly, eyes still fixed on his own reflection. He wanted it in a way that shocked him, the hunger sharp, and the thought of walking away from it made him feel almost angry. 
 
“Should we stop by Auntie Anne’s for a pretzel?” Stede asked, clearly misunderstanding Ed’s expression. “I don’t think we’ve stopped to breathe since we woke up this morning.”
 
Ed wanted to argue, to plant his feet in and swipe a card and take this jacket home with him even though it was July and hopefully he’d be long gone before he had the chance to wear it. Instead, he shrugged out of the coat and handed it to the sales associate whose warm smile had cooled several degrees. “Thanks for your time,” he said apologetically.
 
They got soft pretzels and lemonade, another $25, and picked up Stede’s phone, dropping another $80 to replace his battery. As they made their way through the mall, Stede chattered away with Cece, seemingly oblivious to the dark mood that had taken over Ed as he walked in stony silence, hands locked around the handle of the stroller in a death grip. 
 
The initial wave of hot air when they stepped outside was nice after too long in the air conditioned mall, but by the time they were halfway across the lot to their car, Ed was sweating again. He was agitated, but he helped Cece into her seat with a smile while Stede wrestled with an increasingly sleepy and grouchy Joey.
 
“I feel you, kid,” Ed muttered when Joey started crying.
 
“Oh we blew right past his nap time.” Stede sighed heavily, the first sign that he was anything less than happy, and Ed wondered how he did that, shoved all the disappointment and frustration down. 
 
“I want to go home,” Cece whined when Ed clicked her seatbelt into place, giving him a petulant glare like it was his fault she’d been out all day. 
 
Ed huffed out a wry chuckle. “Yeah, you and me both, sweetheart.” He gave her calf a reassuring squeeze, then rushed to the front seat to get the AC blasting.
 
They were halfway home when traffic screeched to a halt and Ed wanted to tear his hair out. Instead, he squeezed the steering wheel until his fingers ached, then forced himself to relax into his seat. 
 
Stede twisted to check on the kids who had fallen silent not long after they’d pulled out of the parking lot and turned back around with a relieved sigh. “They’re both asleep. I can’t remember the last time Cece napped.”
 
“Hm,” Ed replied noncommittally. 
 
Stede massaged Ed’s bicep, then slid his hand up to give his shoulder a light squeeze. “You ok? You’ve been quiet.”
 
“I think I’m going to go back for that jacket,” came out of Ed’s mouth before he could stop himself.
 
Stede laughed. “Yeah, maybe I’ll get one too.”
 
“Why are you laughing at me? I’m dead serious.” Ed watched the left lane next to him start to speed up and he ground his back teeth together.
 
“Well.” Stede still had a smile playing at the corners of his mouth, but he shifted in his seat so his body was pointed towards Ed like they were having a serious conversation. “How much was it?”
 
“About five grand,” Ed replied breezily.
 
Stede laughed outright at this, but when Ed’s eyes remained glued to the back end of the car in front of him, face unmoving, he quieted. “You’re not serious.”
 
“Why do you think this is a joke? We bought you and Cece new shoes, we got Joey new clothes.”
 
“The combined total of which is still a fraction of the cost of that jacket.” Stede still didn’t look upset, and his voice stayed calm and measured, which only made Ed want to poke at him more.
 
“What’s in it for me?”
 
Finally, Stede reacted, rearing back in his seat a bit. “Excuse me?”
 
“Every morning, I get up with the sun to change diapers and make breakfast and I get everyone ready, I drop the kids off, I work in a menial job that could be outsourced to a toddler, I come home starving and eat something that was fresh two hours ago before I get in bed and

hope

for six hours of sleep before I get up and do the whole thing over again. So.” Ed inhaled long and slow. “What’s in it for me?”
 
“I’m sorry to hear that your tedious life is such a disappointment to you,” Stede said stiffly, and somehow, the hurt in his expression when Ed chanced a glance at him only spurred him on.
 
Ed scoffed. “I can’t believe it’s not a disappointment to you! We had all these plans, Stede. All these plans and you just…” Ed trailed off searching for the words. “How could you do this to me? How could you just let me give up on my dreams?”
 
“Who

are

you?” Stede asked, his voice breathless with hurt, and the first prickles of shame crawled under Ed’s skin.
 
“I’m sorry I was such a fucking saint before and I’m such an asshole now,” he spat, and silence descended between them. Traffic started to clear and Stede turned up the music loud enough that there was something other than the sound of their tires on the pavement and Joey’s occasional sleepy babbling.
 
They continued on in stilted silence while Ed made dinner and Stede bathed the kids. Cece and Stede kept dinner from being an entirely silent affair, talking about her dance recital coming up in a few weeks and how excited she was to start kindergarten in the fall. They cleaned up the kitchen side by side without either of them speaking a single word so Ed could let his shame gnaw at him in peace.
 
“Did you make Dad mad?” Cece asked when Ed tucked her in for bed. 
 
“Why do you ask that?” Ed asked, his throat tightening at the thought that she might have overheard his tantrum in the car. Listening to his own parents fight when he was a child had always left him feeling small and helpless. Regardless of the fact that his spat with Stede had been miniscule in comparison, the last thing he wanted to do was make Cece feel responsible for making sure her parents got along.
 
She twisted her mouth to the side thoughtfully. “Dad is always smiling at Daddy but he didn’t really look at you at dinner. Maybe he knows you’re an alien.”
 
Ed blew out a sigh, feeling relieved and frustrated in equal measure. “I think I hurt his feelings a little bit.” He brushed her hair off her forehead and planted a little kiss right in the center. “I’ll make it right.”
 
“I know.” She smiled. “You’re doing a good job. I could give you a sticker if you want.”
 
Ed chuckled. “Hold on to your stickers. Have a good night, Cece.”
 
“G’night,” she said through a yawn.
 
He poked his head into the nursery where Joey was already asleep on his back with a hand on his belly. There was no putting it off anymore and he went into their bedroom to find Stede bent over his side table, gathering the books that had been stacked there. He carried them over to a bookshelf up against the wall and started shoving them in, not even acknowledging Ed.
 
“Are you mad?” Ed asked, wincing when Stede scoffed.
 
“Mad? Why would I be mad? My husband just seems to think that I’m the reason his life is a disappointment.” Stede slammed the last book into place on the shelf and turned to Ed with a fake smile. “Who would be mad about that?”
 
“I’m sorry, Stede.” Ed took a step closer and stopped immediately when the fake smile turned into a glare. “I don’t want to fight with you.”

“We’re not fighting.” Stede crossed his arms in front of his chest.
 
Ed put his hands up in supplication and walked past Stede to sit at the foot of the bed to peel off his socks. “I think I just don’t understand exactly how I got here,” he said quietly to his toes.
 
“How does anyone get here? Life happens. Man plans and god laughs, right? We’ve certainly gotten our fair share of curveballs.” Stede stayed where he was, arms still crossed tightly across his chest.
 
“What would you say was the biggest curve ball?” Ed asked and tried not to wince when Stede looked confused by the question.
 
“Well neither of us anticipated how hard it would be to raise a baby in the city. And the drive to the hospital was unbearable for you I know, especially with Cece.” Stede seemed to melt a bit and he sat at the edge of the bed next to Ed with a sigh. “I know making the choice to move out here was hard, but you’re not the only one who walked away from a job you loved. We made the decision to move closer to your mum and Fletcher

together.”

A few things clicked into place in Ed’s mind. “We moved out here when Fletch had his heart attack.”
 
“And I know the house has needed some TLC, but Cece getting to have a yard and both parents around instead of spending her life going from a daycare center to our apartment in the Village while we both work insane hours has been good for her.” Stede seemed to deflate a bit. “I thought we were happy with our decision, Ed. I know it was hard to walk away from my family’s money, but you always seemed so sure that it was better than spending our lives beholden to my father.”
 
“I was being an asshole.” Ed tentatively reached out and took Stede’s hand, relieved when it wasn’t immediately snatched away. As much as he wanted to be back in his own life, he didn’t need to ruin

this

Ed’s life in the interim. “I know how important it was for you to get out from under your father’s control.”
 
Stede squeezed Ed’s hand back. “That money, the cushy job at his firm, it was always going to come with strings. I just…” he did snatch his hand away then. “I didn’t realize you resented me so much.”
 
“I don’t,” Ed said emphatically. He was still putting everything together, piece by piece, but one thing he was clear on now. Stede had walked away from a lot to be with Ed, to support Ed’s family when they needed them. 
 
“How long have you been holding on to all of that?” Stede pressed.
 
“I was just being a baby because being an adult is…”
 
“Thankless?” Stede supplied and they both laughed, a bit of the ice surrounding them melting. “It may not be what we planned, but it’s ours. I like to think we made the most of it.”
 
Ed blew out a sigh so hard that the strands of hair framing his face shifted and brushed his cheeks. “We had a baby, Fletch had a heart attack, we got a house in the suburbs, goodbye to dreams of being on the cover of Forbes before 40. Our life in a nutshell.”
 
Clearly that was the wrong thing to say because Stede smiled, but his expression shuttered. “If you want to look at it that way.”
 
“Well how do you look at it?”
 
Stede rose to his feet abruptly and cleared his throat, a hand to his face and his shoulders rounded. When he turned back to look at Ed, there was a stricken look there that Ed hadn’t seen in a long time, not since their first fight back in college before either of them knew how to fight without digging too deep. “It’s just our love story. It may not always be perfect or what we pictured, but we’re happy. Right?”
 
Before Ed could respond to a question he couldn’t actually know the answer to, Stede scoffed and turned away. “I need to get ready for bed.” 
 
“Stede…”
 
“It’s fine. We’re fine.” Stede closed himself in the bathroom and Ed stared at the door.

----- CHAPTER BREAK -----

“Ok, you have got to be running some kind of a con,” Noah and Sam’s next door neighbor, Frenchie, said with disgust as he watched Ed gather the pile of poker chips in the center of the table into the growing mound in front of him.
 
“If he is, it’s the longest con of all time,” Pete said loyally. Before Ed could thank him, he continued, “Ed has sucked ever since we started poker night 3 years ago.”
 
“Thanks man,” Ed said dryly.
 
“Pf,” Frenchie scoffed. “I’ve run longer cons.”
 
They were in Sam and Noah’s game room, a finished basement with everything from the oval poker table they were currently sitting around to a pool table under a hanging light that would have looked perfectly at home in some corner bar. There was a pub style bar in the corner, complete with a soda fountain and beer on tap. The far end of the room was closed off, but Ed had poked his head in to find what was basically a home movie theater, a massive screen mounted to the wall with a sectional on the ground level and a second one on a raised platform behind it. There was a microwave on a small slab of granite counter next to a shelf teeming with snacks and little bowls.  Whatever Noah and Sam did, business was good.
 
The game room was smokey now, with Roach and Ed sharing an ashtray for their cigars and Sam hitting a vape pen. Frenchie waved the berry scented smoke out of his face and shuffled the cards. “Be honest, are you cheating?”
 
“I cannot be that bad,” Ed protested. “And how would I cheat when I haven’t even dealt yet?”
 
“Sam gave you a favorable hand,” Roach said with his eyes narrowed.
 
Noah chuckled. “Perhaps it’s just his lucky night.”
 
“Pretty damn lucky.” Sam nudged Ed’s foot under the table and winked, a slow, smoldering smile curving his lips.
 
Ed sincerely hoped what he was thinking about Sam’s flirting wasn’t telegraphed on his face. The last thing he needed was for it to get back to Stede that Sam was flustering him. At the Fourth of July weekend party when Ed had first arrived, the flirtation had felt slightly awkward but possibly reasonable depending on what kind of friendship Sam and Ed had. Here though, maybe because Stede wasn’t around, it was as if Sam was trying to pick Ed up and he didn’t care who knew.
 
Without a doubt, if Sam had wandered into one of Ed’s usual watering holes in the city and hit on him half this hard, Ed would have been taking him home, regardless of the ring on Sam’s finger. Sam was attractive and charming, and Ed was only human. Being appreciated so openly by someone who was objectively as handsome as Sam was flattering. And, as an added bonus, he came with none of the strings that Stede did. There was no mortgage or squabbling about money or bickering about who had changed the last dirty diaper. It was just simple heat, the promise of an itch being scratched. 
 
The toe of Sam’s shoe slid up Ed’s shin and he jerked his leg away instinctively. He wasn’t sure why, exactly. Every night, he fell asleep next to a man he had no right to touch. Why shouldn’t he scratch the itch with someone who seemed more than willing? He flashed Sam a crooked smile. “Maybe I’ve learned a few things.”
 
As the night wore on, Ed continued to play aggressively, the free flowing beer making him loose. He forced Roach all in with a pair of aces and watched in unrepressed glee as the river card flipped to reveal a third ace. Roach got up from the table in disgust. “I don’t even know who you are, man.”
 
“Aw come back, Roach! I’ll buy you back in!”
 
Roach flipped Ed off over his shoulder on his way to the bar, but everyone was laughing. The buy in was only $5 and they were playing for nickels and dimes, so Ed didn’t feel too shabby about his growing pile of chips. Even if he cleaned everyone out, he’d only be walking away with $30, but he was having more fun than he had at any of the higher stakes poker games he’d played in the past. 
 
His phone buzzed and he pulled it out of his pocket to see the display for Stede on his wallpaper, the picture of Ed kissing Stede’s cheek while he grinned making Ed’s tummy do a happy little swoop. “Scuse me, mates,” he said, getting up from the table and answering. “Hey babe.” He snapped his fingers at Pete who was leaning over Ed’s chips. “Touch my hoard and die, pal.”
 
“You don’t trust me?” Pete asked with a laugh.
 
“You guys are out to get me.” Ed gave Pete one more narrow eyed look as he escaped to the enclosed tv room. “Sorry about that.”
 
Stede chuckled in his ear and the sound warmed him. “Sounds like you’re having a good time.”
 
“Making a killing,” Ed replied proudly. “Need me to head home?”
 
“No, I just remembered that Cece doesn’t have dance class tomorrow, but I

do

have court and I wanted to make sure you can get her before I start calling the phone tree…”
 
“Um…” Ed scratched his chin, enjoying the rasp of his beard. “I should be good. Lemme double check with my mum?”
 
“Thanks, darling. Sorry to interrupt.”
 
“Nah, you’re alright. See you in a bit.” Ed hung up, wincing when he heard Stede’s faint “love you” just before he hit the red “ End” button. He looked at the darkened screen for a long moment like it was going to bite him for being an asshole, but it stayed resolutely dark. He sent a quick text to his mother asking if he could open and take her next closing shift, then stared at his blank phone some more.
 
The noise from the other room got louder and then faded again and Ed twisted around to see Sam coming to rummage through the snacks. He looked up at the sound of Ed moving on the leather and a smile split his face. “I didn’t see you come in here.”

Uh huh and I’m Princess Diana.

Ed watched Sam as he crossed the room with a box of peanut m&ms, giving it a little rattle before he sat just this side of too close to Ed. “Stede called,” he said carefully, watching Sam’s face for a reaction.
 
“Everything ok?” Sam asked, his expression placid, giving the box another shake as if to say

want some?

“Yeah, just…kid scheduling things.” Ed held out his palm, then sucked in a breath when Sam pressed a green m&m to Ed’s lips instead of shaking a few into his hand. He parted his lips and let Sam push the candy into his mouth, biting back a strangled noise when Sam touched his bottom lip.
 
“Get it all sorted?” Sam asked, staring at where his touch lingered on Ed’s mouth.
 
Ed took Sam’s wrist in his hand and gently pulled it away. He bit into the candy, the sweetness almost too much on his tongue with the ghost of Sam’s touch still burning him. “Is there something going on between us?” He blurted, tired of not knowing anything and unwilling to keep playing games.
 
Sam’s eyelashes fluttered and he swallowed hard. “Are we finally being honest?”
 
“It would help me out a lot if we were, yeah.” Ed let Sam’s wrist go and offered a bland smile. 
 
“I’d like to think we’ve been building up to that.” Sam sat up a little taller and studied Ed’s face. “Look, I don’t wear my shirts unbuttoned down to here because I hope my husband will notice. I have six jars of raspberry preserves in my pantry and I don’t even eat sugar. I don’t actually need to go to the Farmer’s Market every tuesday.” He leaned in closer, his eyes on Ed’s mouth and his hand finding Ed’s thigh. “If you’re asking if I want it to be more, the answer is yes.”
 
“And you think…we’re on the same page?” Ed asked, distracted by the heat from Sam’s palm through his jeans.
 
“I think you wouldn’t have asked me if we weren’t.” Sam was a breath away from Ed’s mouth now and he felt like he was split in two. Loyalty to Stede warred with base desire. Apart from the one hot and heavy make out with Stede that had been interrupted, he hadn’t been touched in weeks. It felt wrong to be with Stede, and it felt more wrong to be with Sam, but he was only human and a touch starved one at that.
 
Sam smiled knowingly and backed away. “Noah’s gone for a golf weekend in a couple of days. Maybe you stop by.” Something must have flickered over Ed’s face, because Sam took Ed’s hand where it was lying limply on his own knee. “Stede would never have to know. We just need to burn this thing out.” There was a lie in that, an intent that Ed recognized even if Sam was pretending it wasn’t there, but maybe it didn’t matter.
 
When Ed remained silent, Sam gave his hand a light squeeze then got up. “See you Saturday.”
 
Ed watched him go, sucking in several deep breaths once he was alone again. Shame and anticipation and frustration twisted together and swirled in his belly until he was almost nauseous with it. At the end of the day,

he

wasn’t married and an attractive man wanted to fuck him. He hadn’t signed up for any of this and, if Sam was to be believed, he was only a few steps ahead of the sainted Ed that belonged here anyway.
 
Ed waited for his mom to text back, giving himself a second to compose himself before he came back out to the rest of the game room. Roach and Frenchie were on their feet, Frenchie stretching with his arms over his head while Roach tapped on his phone. Pete was cashing out his meager $1.20 and Ed tried not to gloat when Noah handed him $21.35. 
 
“Not sure what was in the water today, but good game,” Noah said with a laugh as he pressed the money into Ed’s hand.
 
“Am I really that bad normally?” Ed asked as he tucked the cash into his pocket.
 
Pete and Noah exchanged a look. “You’re not exactly known for your poker face.”
 
Ed snickered and slung his arm over Pete’s shoulder to drag him towards the stairs. “Come on man, I’ll buy you a beer with my winnings.”
 
They made their way out of the house, Ed avoiding meeting Sam’s eye and breathing a sigh of relief once they were outside. While he’d displayed a much better poker face than was apparently normal for him, he didn’t trust himself at all to look at Sam and not have his tangle of emotions telegraphed for everyone to see.
 
“I saw Sam follow you into the tv room,” Pete said when they reached the sidewalk. “That guy is relentless.”
 
“Yeah.” Ed shoved his hands into his pockets and looked back up at the house for a beat. “He told me he wanted to have an affair.”
 
“Wha–” Pete pulled both of them to a stop at the end of the street. “Just like that, he up and said it?”
 
“Pretty much.”
 
Pete let out a low chuckle. “Man that’s gonna be awkward.”
 
“What is?” Ed asked. He started walking again, feeling too edgy to stand still.
 
Pete rushed to catch up. “Well, after Stede kicks Sam’s ass, I think Noah’s probably not going to host another poker night at the very least.”
 
“I’m not telling Stede. We’re just gonna get it out of our systems and move on.”
 
It took Ed another ten paces to realize Pete had stopped walking again and he turned back. “You don’t look like you’re joking but I know for a fact that you’re joking.” When Ed just shrugged, Pete’s jaw fell open. “You’re just gonna…” he lowered his voice and closed the distance between them. “You’re just gonna

cheat

on Stede?”
 
“It’s not really cheating.” Ed watched Pete’s face go from incensed to disgusted in a microsecond. “Those rules don’t apply to me, Pete.”
 
“Who gives a shit about

rules?

Everyone in this neighborhood would

kill

for what you and Stede have and you’re just going to throw it away because you’re bored?”
 
“You and Lucius are crazy in love and you thought about cheating,” Ed pointed out. 
 
“Yeah and my best friend reminded me how much I love my husband and how I’d rather die than hurt him!” Pete looked so profoundly hurt, like Ed was cheating on

him,

and he crossed his arms defensively across his chest. 
 
“Fuck, man, it’s complicated.”
 
“It’s really not.” Pete grabbed Ed by both of the shoulders, giving him a hard shake. “We’re talking about Stede. Your best friend, the love of your life, the person who

gets

you, man. You made promises to each other and now what, because some attractive asshole you can barely have a conversation with tells you they want to have an affair, you’re going to risk breaking his heart?”
 
Ed tore a hand through his hair. “You know, there’s a version of me that walked away from him and that version of me is perfectly fucking happy coming home to an empty penthouse. Maybe Stede deserves someone who can’t live without him.”
 
“Jesus, Ed.” Pete shook his head and looked away for a moment. “Whatever helps you sleep at night, I guess.” He moved past Ed, hunched into himself, looking almost diminished. When Ed tried to catch up, he held up his hand. “I think I’d rather walk alone.”
 
“You’re not…” Ed’s voice came out small and he cleared his throat. He commanded boardrooms and brought tycoons of business to their knees, he could talk to

Pete.

“You’re not going to tell Lucius, are you?”
 
“No man, I’m hoping you’ll pull your head out of your ass before you ruin the best thing in your life.”
 
“One man is not destined to be the best thing in my life,” Ed protested, trying to catch up again and pulling up short when Pete aimed a withering look at him.
 
“No, but the life you built together? The guy that I know you to be is really fucking proud of that life.”
 
Ed froze in his tracks and watched Pete until he’d rounded the corner onto his own street, feet rooted to the ground. Ed’s chest was tight and his heart was pounding so hard that it felt like it was going to tear his ribs apart. A small voice in his mind complained that it wasn’t fair, he wasn’t the one who had made promises to Stede so why should he have to live by them?
 
A car turned down the street where Ed was frozen and he hustled to finish crossing, jittery with unspent energy. He knew he wasn’t exactly a good person. He was driven, perhaps to a fault, assertive, and he didn’t apologize for a whole lot, but he was loyal and he tried to keep his word. It was just a hard pill to swallow that he was also bound by some other Ed’s word in some other universe where he had made a different choice.
 
Still, Pete’s clear disappointment rankled. Every interaction he’d had with Pete up to now had bordered on hero worship, like Saint Ed was some fucking paragon of virtue. The perfect father, the perfect husband, the perfect friend. But being with Stede had never made him feel

changed,

and it certainly hadn’t made him feel perfect. It had just made him feel seen. So how, after 13 years of life apparently kicking him in the teeth, did everyone around him seem to think he was Mr. Perfect?
 
Maybe Saint Ed was just a lot better at hiding than anyone knew.
 
He pushed into the house as silently as possible, hoping to avoid seeing or speaking to Stede for the night. He felt like there was a black cloud hanging over him and he didn’t want to explain himself. He just wanted the slab of chocolate cake he’d saved for himself and an hour in peace with some bullshit on tv so he didn’t have to

think

about what a failure he was at this life. 
 
Just his luck, Stede was sitting at the dining room table with his laptop out, his glasses low on his nose, looking disarming and relaxed and a whole lot like home. “How was poker, hon?” He asked absently. And the bitch of it all was, it was

nice

coming home to someone who gave a shit. Not that he deserved it.
 
“Kind of a fucking bummer, to be honest,” Ed said as he ducked into the fridge. His brow furrowed.
 
“I’m sorry,” Stede said thickly, like he had something in his mouth.
 
Ed straightened and turned to really look at Stede, and it was like a tiny little explosion detonated in his brain. Sitting at Stede’s left elbow was a slice of chocolate cake. Ed’s slice of chocolate cake. “Uh, scuse me, sir, but that’s my cake.”
 
“This cake?” Stede asked innocently before he sunk his fork into it and lifted another bite up to his mouth.
 
“Hand it over, and nobody gets hurt, sunshine.”
 
Stede smirked and his eyes glittered. “Sunshine? Haven’t heard that one in a while, moonshine.” Ed took a single step towards him and Stede scooted the plate away a quarter of an inch. Like that was going to do anything to stop Ed. 
 
“You have 30 seconds to give me what’s mine.”
 
“Hm.” Stede pretended to consider that for a few seconds then sighed. “I’m sorry, I can’t. It’s too important to me.” 
 
He seemed still, but Ed knew him well, recognized the tension coiling in his muscles as he prepared to spring to his feet. The trick was guessing which direction he broke for. Ed lunged to the right and cursed when Stede charged the other direction, holding the plate high over his head. The fork fell to the tile with a clatter and Ed tried not to step on it when he rounded the table. “You won’t get away with this!”
 
“You’ll never catch me,” Stede crowed, punctuated with a wild giggle. Ed changed directions to try and cut him off as they completed a full circle of the dining room table and Stede skidded to a halt. Their eyes met, both narrowed and watchful, and Ed lurched one way, then the other, watching Stede’s body for any hint of which way he’d break for next. He let out a cartoonish growl when Stede made for the stairs, giving chase. 
 
They were breathless with laughter when Stede reached the foot of the stairs, and he tripped on the third step, somehow managing to keep the cake on the plate. Ed scrambled up after him, pinning him to the stairs as he stretched his arms out to put the plate on the farthest step he could reach. “You’ll have to go through me,” Stede gasped when Ed tried to reach over him and Ed let out a strangled laugh when Stede managed to roll to his back and plunge wriggling fingers into Ed’s armpit.
 
“You play so fucking dirty,” Ed wheezed through his giggles. “Uncle, uncle!”
 
Stede stopped immediately, looking too smug for words, his hair slightly mussed and his eyes wild with laughter. “So you’re saying I win?”
 
“I’m saying,” Ed said, reaching out to grasp the plate and lifting it off the step, “that I think you should have it after all.” He sunk his fingers into the layers of frosting and cake to grab a handful and smeared it into Stede’s shocked face.
 
“Mm,” Stede said around the mouthful that had made it past his lips, darting his tongue out to collect some off the corner of his mouth. “It’s so good, you should really try some.” Before Ed could jerk the plate away, Stede had what was left of the confection squished in his hand and then into Ed’s beard. The chocolate was sweet and Stede’s laugh was infectious, and they laid there, tangled together and giggling. Their laughter slowly tapered off as Stede shifted his thigh between Ed’s legs and a gasp punched out of his lips.
 
The temperature between them changed and Stede’s eyelids lowered. Heat stretched between them, pooling in Ed’s lower belly with every shift of Stede’s body. They were pressed so close, every breath bringing Stede’s chest in contact with Ed’s. Whatever he’d tried to tell himself, about not being worthy of Stede, not being allowed to touch him, all of it was so hard to remember when Stede was looking at him like that.

He’s looking at his husband, he’s not looking at me.

Except that he was. He was looking at the Ed who had thrown a tantrum over a jacket, the Ed who had disappeared on their son’s birthday, the Ed who had no idea what he was doing, and all Ed could see in the depths of his beautiful eyes was want. He was a selfish asshole, so he kissed Stede, sighing in relief when Stede’s tongue, tasting of chocolate buttercream, moved against his. It was messy and sweet, and Stede was smiling against Ed’s mouth, still laughing even as heat consumed both of them.
 
“Are the kids asleep?” Ed breathed between kisses. 
 
“Yes. I missed you.” Stede wrapped a leg around Ed’s thigh and strained to bring his body closer. “Say it to me, I need to hear you say it.”
 
“I know what you want to hear,” Ed stalled, desperate to get it right, to give Stede what he needed.
 
“Tell me,” Stede pleaded, the look in his eyes soft. He should look ridiculous in his huge glasses with cake covering the lower half of his face, except he was incomparably beautiful just like this.
 
Ed kissed him again, sliding his hands up Stede’s torso to mold his fingers around the curves of his belly and chest. “You’re so hot, need you to fuck me.”
 
“Ed?”
 
“Wanna feel you so deep…”
 
Stede went completely still underneath him. “Ed, stop.”
 
Ed tried to recover, but Stede was scrambling up the stairs to get out from under Ed’s body. “Sunshine…”
 
“Oh my god that is not…” Stede blew out a frustrated sigh and struggled awkwardly to stand a few steps above where Ed was still sprawled. “Really sweeping me off my feet here, Ed.”
 
Ed watched him flee the rest of the way up the stairs feeling hollowed out. He cursed when he looked down at the mess they’d left, cake crumbs and smears of frosting on the wood steps. He groaned when he got to his feet, looked up the stairs until he heard the shower go on, then went the opposite direction to the downstairs bathroom.
 
He cleaned himself up as well as he could in the small pedestal sink, his beard taking the longest to de-cake. Careful not to scatter crumbs, he carried his balled up shirt to the laundry room and tossed it in the washer, then grabbed the broom, dustpan, and a damp washcloth to clean up the stairs. When he was done, he looked up towards their bedroom door with a knot in his stomach.
 
He could go upstairs and apologize, but he had no idea what he was apologizing for. Stede had needed something that Ed didn’t know how to give, he doubted that was suddenly going to change. So instead, he flopped onto the couch with the remote and turned on the tv, hoping for something mind numbing until he could sneak into bed for what was bound to be a shit night of sleep.
 
He scrolled aimlessly through Netflix for a while, then switched over to cable, turning the tv off in a panic when he landed on Crazy, Stupid, Love right when Steve Carell threw himself out of a moving car when his wife confessed to cheating on him. So tv was out and it hadn’t been long enough for him to go up to bed. He pulled his phone out with the intention of checking on The Wall Street Journal when he remembered he wasn’t actually subscribed here and let out a frustrated growl. 
 
He thought about texting Pete, but he had no idea what he’d say. Then he thought about texting Stede but that felt more cowardly than hiding out in the living room. With a sigh, he hit the Photos icon and started scrolling through Saint Ed’s pictures and videos. He had taken a few, a gouge in a shelf that needed to be repaired in the shop, a funny bumper sticker he’d wanted to show Stede, but he was quickly in unfamiliar territory. 
 
A photo of Joey crawling, a selfie of Cece’s face squished up close to Ed’s, a picture of Stede asleep on the couch with Joey knocked out on his chest, a kissy face selfie of Ed that he quite literally couldn’t imagine taking, videos of the kids talking and playing and dancing. If nothing else, it was clear that Ed adored his family.
 
He was about to turn his phone off, but a video caught his eye, longer than anything else he’d seen at over six minutes. It opened with Pete in what looked like Ed and Stede’s backyard with his brow furrowed, then his face brightening when he realized he was recording. “Happy 36th birthday, Stede! We love you, man!”
 
Lucius appeared in the frame and he rolled his eyes, but he smiled. “Love you Stede.” He fluttered his fingers before the video got shaky and he disappeared. 
 
“Guys!” Pete reappeared between Sam and Noah. “Say happy birthday to Stede!”
 
Sam’s smile was wide, but it didn’t reach his eyes. “Happy birthday, Stede. You’re the luckiest guy in the world.” Something about the way he said it crawled under Ed’s skin, but then Noah was speaking and he pushed it away. He was about to turn the video off, when Pete hollered to Ed out of frame.
 
“Ed, it’s your husband’s birthday!”
 
The picture moved fast and then there was Ed, happier than he’d ever seen himself, dressed in a purple button down shirt with the sleeves pushed up past his elbows, tucked into what he recognized as his nicest jeans. “Is it? Babe, I didn’t know it was your birthday!”
 
There was laughter in the background and then Ed held his hand out, his smile widening when Stede took it and was pulled into frame. He was wearing a pink sash over a white dress shirt and khakis, and a flower had been tucked behind his ear. The camera shook as Pete walked closer. “You know how much I love you?” Ed asked and Stede nodded, the sun glinting off his golden hair. “Oh so then I really don’t have to do this.”
 
“Coward,” Pete teased. “Someone hit the music before he can chicken out.”
 
“What’s going on?” Stede asked, barely restrained glee in his voice that made Ed smile, cuddling down into the couch with a pillow clutched close to his chest while he watched.
 
Music started that was too faint to make out clearly and someone shoved a Bluetooth karaoke mic into Ed’s hand. He started swaying side to side, a self conscious smile on his face. He took a breath so deep that his chest and shoulders moved, then he started to sing.
 
“The book of love is long and boring. No one can lift the damn thing. It’s full of charts and facts and figures and instructions for dancing. But I, I love it when you read to me. And you, you can read me anything.” 
 
Ed kept the mic in one hand and pulled Stede closer with the other, resting it on his hip to turn them in a slow circle while he sang. They looked so in love, so deeply happy, that Ed could hardly register anyone else around them. He spotted Sam standing in the background, a rictus smile on his face, and Ed just felt sad for him. Surrounded by love, a family he could so easily be a part of, and instead feeling envy.
 
“The book of love is long and boring and written very long ago. It’s full of flowers and heart-shaped  boxes, and things we’re all too young to know. But I, I love it when you give me things. And you, you ought to give me wedding rings.” Everyone laughed when Stede gestured at the ring on his hand and gave an exaggerated shrug.
 
The song ended and Stede pulled Ed in for a long kiss while their friends cheered. “We’ve been together a long time,” Ed said softly when they pulled apart. “And I love you more every day.”
 
“I love you too, Ed.”
 
“Happy birthday, baby.”
 
“Alright alright, get a room!” Pete cut in to more laughter, and Ed just smiled before he buried his face in Stede’s neck and pulled him closer. 
 
Ed sniffled, dropping his phone on his chest and staring at the ceiling while tears coursed slowly over his cheeks. Given 13 more years with Stede, apparently, he was more in love than ever. Sure, this was just a snapshot of them at their best. But if anything was their worst, it was now and Stede still looked at Ed like he was everything.
 
He wondered if Stede was still awake, still not sure what he would say. As frustrating as all of this was for Ed, Stede was sleeping next to a practical stranger, the man who serenaded him in front of all of their friends god knows where. So maybe Ed didn’t know what to say, but he wasn’t going to hide.
 
The second stair from the top creaked when he put his weight on it, and he winced, listening for Joey. He exhaled after a beat and stepped up onto the landing with another faint creak, then pushed into his dark bedroom. The hall light fell short of illuminating the lump in bed that was Stede and Ed was quick to close the door again.
 
There was soft static from the baby monitor, Joey’s even breathing, a sound that Ed found comforting now. He got ready for bed quickly and quietly, climbing in behind Stede and resisting the urge to drag him closer. “Stede?” He whispered. “Are you awake?”
 
“No,” Stede replied immediately, and they both huffed out a laugh while Stede rolled over to face Ed. 
 
“I’m sorry–” they started at the same time and another laugh filled the space between them. 
 
“I don’t know why you’re sorry,” Ed said softly, reaching out to brush a stray curl from Stede’s forehead. 
 
“Expecting you to read my mind like that, it wasn’t fair for me to storm off.” Stede sighed and leaned into Ed’s touch. “Ok now you.”
 
“I’m sorry we’ve not been on the same page lately.” It was the best he could do, but in the dark, he could see Stede’s face relax as his lips curved into a smile. 
 
“It happens.” Stede leaned in to kiss him, slow and lingering with no promise of anything more. For once, Ed was glad for the tiny bed, glad that his body had nowhere to be but pressed safely against Stede’s as they drifted off.

----- CHAPTER BREAK -----

The alarm blared and the leg slung over Ed’s shifted when Stede reached over him to turn it off. “I got the baby,” Ed mumbled.
 
“You sure?” Stede asked, voice muzzy.
 
“Yeah,” Ed grabbed Stede’s hand from where it had settled on his hip and pressed a kiss to his knuckles. “Me and Joey have an understanding.”
 
Stede’s sleepy chuckle was adorable and made it oh so tempting to stay in bed, wrapping himself up in Stede’s warmth. But Joey’s little voice crackled over the monitor, not upset yet, just a sweet “Abba?”
 
He forced himself up and watched Stede immediately roll into the space where Ed’s body had just been then spread out like a starfish. Ed was still smiling when he walked into the nursery to find a bleary eyed Joey sitting up in his crib, lip trembling and ready to cry until he saw Ed. “Morning Jo Jo! How are we doing?”
 
Joey put his arms up and smiled when Ed smiled. “Uh-oh.”
 
“Uh oh?” Ed picked him up and then wrinkled his nose. “Uh oh is right, stinky pants. Let's get you cleaned up and then we have some milk?” He held Joey with one hand and made a quick fist to sign for milk, a habit he’d picked up from Cece and Stede over the last few weeks.
 
Joey giggled and squeezed his hand into a fist, with a soft “mih.”
 
“Ok Joey Stinkerson, diaper first, then milk.”
 
He knocked on Cece’s door on his way past her room, smiling at her perky “I’m up!” and continued down to the kitchen. He’d gotten pretty good at doing things one handed, and had a handled sippy cup ready for Joey without even putting him down. “Ok, bud. I’m going to make sure Dad didn’t go back to sleep, you good here?”
 
Joey wiggled his legs to scoot forward on his butt after Ed set him down in his playpen in the living room. Ed stroked a hand through Joey’s baby soft curls, then booped his nose, unable to help his smile when Joey flashed him a milky grin around the spout of his sippy cup. Something warm shifted in Ed’s chest and he rubbed a hand over his heart as he sprinted up the stairs. 
 
“Stede, you up? I’m about to…” He stopped in his tracks in the doorway. Stede was sitting up in bed with a large, gift wrapped box in his lap.
 
“Happy anniversary!” Stede shouted, a wide smile splitting his face as he bounced up onto his knees in the middle of the bed.

Fuck fuck fuck fuck.

Oh this was

so

not good. “Happy anniversary,” he echoed back weakly.
 
Stede dug his fingers into the box, the silver paper crinkling slightly under the pressure. He was vibrating with excitement and Ed thought it entirely possible that he was about to burst into tears. “Open it!”
 
Ed accepted the box tentatively, surprised by the weight of it, and braced it on the bed to tear through the thick foil paper. The white box inside was taped shut and his fingers trembled as he peeled it up on one side. “Oh Stede,” he breathed when he lifted the lid to find a brown leather bomber jacket.
 
“I found it at an outlet store. I know it’s a knock off, but I just know you’re going to look great in it.” Stede’s smile faltered a little bit when he looked at Ed’s face. “You like it don’t you?”
 
“I

love

it,” Ed said quickly, meaning it down to his bones. “Thank you.” He gripped the lapel and ran his thumb over the leather. He had no idea what to say, his mind racing. How was he going to make sure Stede never knew…
 
“Ok, my turn.” Stede smiled and closed his eyes, putting his hands out in front of him and doing grabby hands.
 
“Um…” Ed was suddenly having a very hard time breathing, like a rubber band was wrapped around his chest. “I um…I was going to give you your present later.”
 
Stede laughed and cracked one eye open to peek at Ed. “Please, half the time you can’t even wait until the actual day to give me my present, you must be ready to burst.”
 
“You know it’s our anniversary the whole day, Sunshine. Sometimes it’s good to…to let the anticipation build up, you know?” Ed swallowed hard, averting his eyes to look at their bedspread.
 
Stede was quiet for a few breaths, then he said softly, “you forgot.”
 
“I’ll make it up to you, I swear. I’m so sorry, it…” Ed grasped for the right thing to say, hating the hollow look on Stede’s face. “It just got away from me, but I’ll make it right.”
 
Stede nodded, his eyes on a point somewhere over Ed’s shoulder. “It’s just another day, right?”
 
“No, no no, not at all, Stede. I–” Ed moved to kneel on the bed and Stede scrambled away to stand on the opposite side of it, like Ed’s touch would break him.
 
“It’s alright, really.” Stede forced a tight smile. “I need to get ready for work.”
 
“Sunshine–”
 
“Don’t. Please just…don’t.” Stede marched into the bathroom and kicked the door shut.
 
“Fuck

me,”

Ed whispered to the wall and he buried his face in Stede’s pillow to growl before he got out of bed to make the kids breakfast. He had no idea what he was going to do. Granted, it wasn’t exactly his fault, there was no way for him to just

guess

their anniversary was coming up, but Stede had put up with so much weirdness in the last few weeks and now this.
 
Cece was in the kitchen gathering breakfast ingredients, a habit she hadn’t gotten out of even once Ed had found his footing. “Good morning, young lady,” Ed greeted her, trying to keep his voice bright. “I think I’m going to shake it up this morning since it is apparently my anniversary.”
 
“Oh crud,” Cece said softly. “I prolly should have told you about that. Daddy usually goes

all out.”

Ed couldn’t help smiling. “Of course he does. Your dad deserves it.” He sighed. “Anyway, it’s not your fault at all, but this is pretty bad, Cece. I need to do something big. What does he usually do?”
 
Cece twisted her lips to the side in thought. “Last year, he had a star named after Dad.”
 
“Isn’t that a little cheesy?”
 
“Dad liked it.” Cece’s face split into a smile. “Joey was

so

little. We went out in the backyard and laid on a blanket so Daddy could show us the star. Dad cried happy tears.”
 
“Sounds like him.” Ed could just picture it, the four of them together, Stede’s hand in his. “He always was a romantic.” 
 
He brought Joey into the kitchen so he could put him in his high chair, then started pulling together ingredients to make a berry compote and french toast. His mind was racing to come up with something last minute that would be even a fraction of what Stede deserved. “Do they ever go into the city together? Like for a date night?”
 
Cece’s eyes lit up. “Dad

loves

to dress up for date night.”
 
Ed put his fist out for her to bump it. “Don’t know what I’d do without you, kid.”
 
*****
 
Ed opened the shop and he was grateful that it was a slow day. It gave him time to make plans, sweet talking himself into a reservation at Gage & Tollner and snagging a room with a view at a nice hotel because apparently his luck was finally turning around. It was going to be expensive, but it looked like Ed had been socking away his monthly “fun money” for a while and spoiling Stede for their anniversary seemed like something he’d be on board with.
 
He found himself getting excited for a night out with Stede, for the opportunity to spoil him, and by the time his mother came in to take over for the day, he was practically vibrating. “Oh thank god you’re here, I still need to stop by the florist.”
 
“You’re sure that Lucius and Pete are ok with the kids until I close?” Elizabeth called as she hung her purse on a hook in the back room. “I can close a little early.”
 
“They’re happy to do it,” Ed assured her, giving her a quick kiss on the cheek before he started dancing towards the door. “And you don’t mind getting them off to daycare tomorrow morning?”
 
“Please, it will be our pleasure.” Elizabeth flapped her hands at him. “Get out of here, have a nice night.”
 
“I will.

We

will. He really deserves it after the way I’ve been lately.” 
 
“Have you been alright? Something seemed off but I figured you’d come to me if you wanted to talk about it.”
 
Ed blew out a sigh and paused at the door. “I’ve just been…I don’t know, struggling with a few things. Trying to figure out what’s important, I guess.”
 
She cocked her head to the side and looked him over. “Have you figured it out?”
 
“I feel like I’m getting there,” he replied honestly.
 
“Hm.” She made a shooing motion. “Well, we can talk about this later. Go on.”
 
The florist tried to talk him into red roses, but he walked out clutching pink and white daisy poms wrapped in brown paper, excited to see the look on Stede’s face. He picked up the kids and Cece gave him a very enthusiastic thumbs up when he showed her the flowers. “I think you can turn this around.”
 
Ed huffed out a laugh. “Missing the anniversary is a pretty big oversight, I’m not out of the woods yet.”
 
Lucius arrived alone with a box of art supplies and Cece immediately dragged him to the table. “Where’s Pete?” Ed asked casually from the doorway while he watched them set up placemats so they didn’t make a mess.
 
“He’s stuck at work, but I’ve got this if you want to go get ready.” Lucius set a cup of water down on Cece’s placemat for her paintbrushes. “What are your plans anyway? Seems kind of last minute.”
 
“Drinks at Le Boudoir, then I managed to get a late reservation at Gage & Tollner…”
 
Lucius smirked. “How late?”
 
“9:00,” Ed said with a snicker. “But the pork chop is life changing. Then we’re spending the night in the city. I’m really excited.”
 
“It sounds fantastic. And it better be after you

forgot.”

“He told you?” Ed asked with a grimace.
 
“He just needed to get it off his chest,” Lucius said, an eyebrow raised as if daring Ed to take issue with it.
 
“Can’t blame him. I really screwed up,” Ed said, when he meant

this is really screwed up.

“Yeah well.” Lucius shrugged. “Marriage is long if you do it right.” He waved Ed away. “Go on, Cece and I have this.”
 
“Joey’s still napping…” Ed started, still hovering in the doorway.
 
“Oh my god, I’ve got it, will you leave?” 
 
Ed backed out of the room, then jogged up the stairs and found a duffel bag on the floor of the closet. He tossed in a casual change of clothes for both of them, their toiletries and, after a mental back and forth, the bottle of Astroglide from his side table. Maybe nothing would happen but…well…better safe than sorry. 
 
He took a quick shower to rinse the sweat off from running around in the summer heat, dabbed his wrists, neck and behind his knees with cologne, and then stood in front of the closet trying to decide what to wear. He plunged his hand in when he spotted something black with thick straps, brow furrowed in curiosity. This version of him seemed to be pretty casual, band t-shirts and jeans, with enough colorful dress shirts to keep things interesting, so the tight polyester garment was definitely out of place. 
 
“Oh shit,” he murmured when he’d untangled it from the other hangers. It was a little black dress. He hadn’t worn a dress in ages and he wondered what occasion he’d bought this number for. He pictured Stede’s face when he walked down the stairs in it, his legs, arms and back bare, showing off his tattoos. “Fuck yeah.”
 
By the time he saw Stede’s car pull into the driveway from the window, he’d finished pulling his hair half up into a messy bun, added a leather cuff to one wrist and dangly spike earrings. He opted for his combat boots and hoped he looked nice enough for the evening he had planned. The single most important thing to him was erasing the disappointment on Stede’s face when he realized that his husband had forgotten their anniversary.
 
He stepped out of their bedroom just as he heard Stede’s voice floating up to him. “Lucius? What are you doing here?”
 
“Arts and crafts,” Lucius said, as if the question were ridiculous.
 
“Okaaaay.” Stede made a frustrated sound in the back of his throat. “Well, I suppose flowers are better than nothing.”
 
Ed stepped out onto the landing just as Stede looked up and his jaw dropped. “How was work, Sunshine?” Ed asked with a small smile.
 
“It was work.” Stede sounded stunned and his eyes moved slowly over Ed’s legs, higher, lingering over his belly, then finally meeting his eyes. “What’s the occasion?” He asked, pursing his lips slightly.
 
Ed clomped down the stairs, stopping one step above Stede, and took Stede’s hands into his. “I’d like to take you to the city if you’re up for it.”
 
“I could be convinced,” Stede replied grudgingly.
 
Ed leaned in and kissed Stede lightly. “Pretty please let me prove to you I’m not the world’s biggest dumbass,” he said against Stede’s lips.
 
Hazel eyes thawed, just a fraction, but Ed beamed and kissed Stede again. “I’m still mad at you,” Stede informed him.
 
“I know.” Ed kissed him again. “Go get ready.”
 
“And am I dressing up in my Jo Stockton costume to match or…” Stede put his palms flat on Ed’s chest and ran them up and down the material of the little black dress. “I see you’ve skipped the pearl necklace. I guess I could help you with that,” he added with a wicked smile.
 
“Oh my god, will you

go?”

Ed huffed, his cheeks heating when Stede laughed low in his throat and he pushed past Ed to saunter up the stairs. . 
 
****
 
The drive into the city was a bit tense. Stede was trying but he was clearly still not ready to let it go that Ed had forgotten their anniversary. Ed wished he had something to say, but all of his stories about them were old, outdated, missing pieces about who they could have become if Ed had followed his heart instead of his ambition.
 
And that was a whole new issue to contend with. Because as much as he cared for Stede and always had, the decision hadn’t been made with any malice. He hadn’t known it meant losing Stede until he had already lost him. He could desperately want Stede, even now, even after all these years apart, but did it mean he had to regret the things that had made him the man that

he

was because he wasn’t the man this Stede knew?
 
So they listened to music and Ed took Stede’s hand, taking heart when Stede gave him a light squeeze and didn’t pull away. There was something comforting about knowing Stede was angry and hurt, that they were going to have to talk about it, but Stede had no desire to punish him.
 
They parked at the hotel and checked in, and Ed tried not to be too smug when they stopped by their room to drop off their bag. The view from the window was stunning, looking out over the water to the skyline of the city, and Stede sighed happily as he took it in. The bed gave Ed a moment of angst, the worry if he was doing the right thing, if it was ok to want Stede as badly as he did. Then Stede was ushering him out the door and he gave himself a little shake.
 
They took a short cab ride to the bar, and Ed smiled when Stede offered his arm as they stepped up onto the curb. He looked gorgeous, like he’d taken extra time to bring out his curls and make them shine, and his short sleeved hunter green sweater accentuated his biceps and forearms. Ed felt like a million bucks on his arm and angry or not, Stede seemed proud to have him there.
 
They walked past people smoking on the sidewalk and into the competing noise of the bar. Something jaunty and old fashioned was being pounded into an upright piano just off the bar, a man in a suit practically dancing on his stool and throwing his head back while his fingers flew over the keys. Red leather covered bar stools lined the wall and the bar, each one claimed by people who were bending their bodies together, the sound of laughter in all corners of the room.
 
“There are more tables around in the back,” Ed murmured into Stede’s ear.
 
“You’ve been here?” Stede asked, with his eyebrows high.
 
“I went on their website.” Ed gave Stede’s arm a slight squeeze. “I wanted everything to be perfect tonight.”
 
Stede relaxed into him. “I’m still mad.”
 
“I know.” They shared a small smile as they moved to a more wide open area of the bar. Long benches lined in tufted red velvet ran along one wall, clusters of small groups and couples dotted from end to end. There were ornately framed mirrors mounted to the wall, catching the low light and the glitter of jewelry to send light reflecting back into the room. A row of booths lined the opposite wall, tall white pillars standing between each one, and Stede pointed to a couple getting up from one in the middle.
 
“I’ll get drinks if you grab the table. You want anything in particular?” Ed asked, leaning in again and letting his lips brush Stede’s ear.
 
“Surprise me.” 
 
Ed watched Stede walk away, letting his eyes move over the now familiar curves of Stede’s body. When Stede slid into the booth and looked up to catch Ed staring at him, he rolled his eyes and made a shooing motion with his hands, but his smile was just a little bigger.
 
When Ed returned with a sweating glass in each hand, it was to Stede leaning out of the booth to talk to a much younger couple. He was laughing and animated, and one of the women had a hand on his shoulder with her head tossed back laughing while the other had a hand over her mouth, her shoulders shaking and eyes bright.   
 
“Leave you alone for ten minutes and you’re charming everyone,” Ed teased lightly, sliding a gin and tonic in front of him.
 
“Well, I was talking about you,” Stede replied, going for prim but unable to keep the warmth from his voice.
 
“Have a good night,” the one with her hand on Stede’s shoulder said, already backing away. “And happy anniversary! I hope we’re still that happy in ten years.”
 
“Just remember she’s your best friend and you will be.” Stede watched them go then turned to Ed. “Newlyweds,” he said as if Ed needed an explanation.
 
“That’s what makes us work?” Ed asked, swirling his straw around his mojito to clack the ice against the sides of the glass. “Being best friends?”
 
“I think so.” Stede’s face was soft in the dim light. “It helps to remember when we’re pissing each other off.”
 
Ed rolled his eyes. “Yeah yeah.”
 
Stede’s hand shot across the table to take Ed’s and his face was suddenly earnest. “I’m not perfect. It really hurt my feelings that you forgot, you’ve hurt my feelings a few times recently.” He squeezed Ed’s hand hard when he winced. “But don’t think I’ve forgotten the times when I needed your grace and you gave it to me.”
 
“Because we’re best friends?”
 
“First and foremost,” Stede agreed. “I love you more than life, I love slow dancing in our kitchen and sitting by the fire after the kids have gone to bed just to look at your beautiful face in the firelight. I love what it means to be in love with you. But when things get hard, our friendship is the center.”
 
Ed swallowed around the lump in his throat, looking down at the condensation rolling off his glass while he composed himself. He’d never really let himself get close with another boyfriend like he had with Stede, and for a long time, he’d insisted to himself that he didn’t even see the appeal of marriage. But this? Grace and acceptance when he wasn’t his best, no fear that a few bad days or even a few bad weeks would mean the end took his breath away.
 
“You’re the best friend I’ve ever had, Stede.” Ed lifted their joined hands so he could kiss Stede’s knuckles, the tears he couldn’t quite blink away gathering on his lashes. “I think I get it now.”
 
“Get what?” Stede asked, his frown line deepening and his nose wrinkling.
 
“Why people get married.” Ed slapped a goofy smile on his face like he was joking.
 
“Oh now he gets it. Only took him ten years.”
 
They fell into an easy silence while they sipped their drinks, both of them looking around at the array of people crushed into the narrow space. A server came by to collect their empty glasses and they ordered another round and some fries to soak up the booze. A memory of a different night in a different bar a lifetime ago, fluttered at the edges of Ed’s mind and he laughed.
 
“What’s funny?” Stede asked, a smile already curving his lips. 
 
“What’s his story?” Ed asked, pointing with just his pinky at a man leaning on a nearby pillar who couldn’t have been older than 21 in a bowler hat and a handlebar mustache.
 
“That’s a ghost,” Stede said immediately. “Died in a bar fight when the market crashed in 1929.” He looked around the room, nudging Ed’s shin under the table in excitement when he was craned around in his seat. “And her?” He pointed to a woman in a white slip dress, the strap hanging off her shoulder, talking with her hands while three others seemed to be hanging on every word.
 
“Just fled her wedding to a very nice, very boring man to tour with a carnival.” Ed rubbed his chin with his palm and narrowed his eyes. “Her father is furious but her mother winked at her as she ran back down the aisle.” He jerked his head at a very loud group of three people having an animated conversation that seemed to border on hostile. “And them?”
 
“The one who keeps yelling accidentally spent their rent money on toilet paper.”
 
“Toilet paper!” Ed shouted, slapping a hand down on the table. “Be serious.”
 
“Edward, it’s awful, they’re sitting on the big packs like furniture. Have some respect.”
 
After they’d finished their second round and both of them were feeling warm and easy, they offered their booth to a couple standing nearby. Their empty glasses were pushed to the edge of the table and they got up, linking their arms together and pushing through the crowd that had only gotten denser since they’d arrived.
 
The pianist had slowed down, playing something vaguely familiar, jazzy and romantic. There was hardly any room, but Ed pulled Stede into his arms to turn them in a slow circle.
 
“There’s no room for dancing!” Stede protested, but his eyes were bright and he was smiling.
 
They couldn’t keep it up for long, too many bodies pressed in around them, but Ed dipped Stede back and held him there for a beat, letting their noses brush and watching Stede’s eyes darken. Something tightened behind Ed’s breastbone and he couldn’t quite catch his breath. He pulled Stede up, then he slid his hands down to Stede’s waist to hold him steady while he leaned in to press the lightest kiss to the corner of his mouth.
 
When he pulled back, Stede was looking at him like a puzzle he was trying to figure out, his bottom lip caught in his teeth. “I think I’m still a little mad.”
 
Ed dusted his thumb over Stede’s cheekbone. “I get it. Come on.” He dragged Stede out of the bar and they both sighed in relief as soon as they’d reached the sidewalk.
 
“I can’t believe we used to do this every weekend,” Stede said with a small huff of a laugh.
 
“Remember that night we stayed out until dawn and ate pizza for breakfast from that shitty little hole in the wall for breakfast?” Ed asked, tangling his fingers with Stede’s and giving their joined hands a little swing.
 
“Night I fell in love with you,” Stede said, his tone matter of fact.
 
“Wait what?” Ed stopped in his tracks. “That was…you went on that date with that idiot after that.”
 
Stede let himself be pulled to a stop and then stepped into Ed’s body, his free hand pressing over Ed’s heart. “I needed to know that it was really you and not just that I was ready and you were there when I realized it.”
 
“I was so jealous,” Ed murmured. “I mean it was my own fault, but still.”
 
Stede’s eyes widened and he threw his head back to laugh. “Oh my god, I had forgotten about your rule. You wouldn’t be the first guy a queer guy dated.”
 
“I was going to ask you out anyway!”
 
“So you’ve said,” Stede teased, pressing his lips together. “It didn’t stop you from being my first kiss.”
 
“And I won’t apologize for that.” Ed kissed him because he could and sighed when Stede leaned into it, deepening the kiss and caressing Ed’s jaw. “We should go to dinner,” he said, his voice low.
 
Stede dragged his thumb slowly down the column of Ed’s throat, heat bright in his eyes. “We could skip dinner.” He followed the trail his thumb took with his mouth and Ed shivered.
 
“Thought you were mad,” Ed gritted out, feeling weak kneed with desire.
 
“We can have make up sex,” Stede murmured against Ed’s throat and he chuckled when Ed moaned. 
 
It took all of his restraint, but he took a small step back and Stede let him. “We should enjoy our romantic dinner because it’s our anniversary and we don’t get very many nights out like this.”
 
Stede sighed like he was put out, but he couldn’t hide his pleased smile. “Fine, but at this rate, I won’t even be miffed by dessert.”
 
They walked towards their restaurant, hands finding each other again, the evening quiet but for the sounds of traffic or the noise spilling from bars and restaurants as they passed. Ed broke the easy silence tentatively. “It’s ok if you’re mad for a while. It’s a pretty big thing. But I really want to show you how much…how much you mean to me tonight,” he faltered. 
 
“It is nice,” Stede said, oblivious to Ed’s nerves. “It feels shitty to be happy for a night without the kids…”
 
“It’s not shitty. I really like them…” Ed started, his cheeks heating when Stede laughed.
 
“Oh it’s good you like them, I guess we’ll keep them.”
 
“I love them!” Ed interjected earnestly, and his stomach dropped. “I love them,” he repeated, softer.
 
“I know you do,” Stede said with a chuckle. “You took to being a dad like a fish takes to swimming. But you’re right, it’s ok to need time just to be us.”
 
Ed nodded like that had been exactly what he was going to say, trying to steady himself with deep breaths without alerting Stede that he was doing it. By the time they reached Gage & Tollner, he’d mostly settled and he was able to enjoy Stede’s exclamations about the chandeliers and the Victorian decor.
 
They sipped red wine and nibbled on beef tartare and cheeses. They talked about the kids, even when they tried to talk about something else, and Ed laughed at himself when he realized he actually missed them. 
 
“Can you imagine trying to feed Cece snails?” Stede asked when Ed admitted as much, and they laughed together like they shared some inside joke. Ed rubbed his chest against the tiny pinch in his heart.
 
They were sharing coconut cake when Stede sighed and set his fork down. “Are you doing alright? You’ve seemed so…distant lately.”
 
Ed finished chewing his bite, then sipped his water to buy himself a moment to consider his words carefully. “This might make things worse, I’m not sure. But I hope it makes them better.” Ed could have kissed him when Stede simply nodded, no trace of alarm on his face. “I’m…” Ed sighed and took another sip of water. “I feel like I’m living someone else’s life.”
 
Stede inhaled thoughtfully through his nose, eyes moving over Ed’s face like he was searching for something and giving the most imperceptible nod when Ed hesitated.
 
“I remember I used to stop by this bagel place on my way into work, not even thinking about how that trip in there every day would add up, just swiped my card. I wore nice suits to work and I walked through that place like I was the fucking king. I was so sure, of who I was, of what I wanted, that what it took to get there would be worth it. And it feels like I blinked and everything was different.”
 
“Worse, do you mean?” Stede asked, and the corners of his eyes tightened.
 
“No, no.” Ed exhaled. If he was going to be as honest as he could be, he should be honest. “Maybe a few things,” he amended. “And some things were better. Mostly it was just

different.

And it’s ok, it’s just that I was never like this. There was no room for doubts or regret. I had it all figured out.”
 
“And now?” Stede prompted softly, so still, as if he was afraid to tip the balance.
 
“Now I have doubts. I’m not always sure what I want or…who I am even. I don’t have it all figured out.”
 
Stede smiled with half his mouth, his expression one of understanding. “You think I do?”
 
“I mean…you’re a rock, Stede. You always seem completely sure of yourself...of our life and the choices we made to get here.”
 
Stede laughed, biting it back at whatever he saw on Ed’s face. “You think I never wake up and wonder how the hell I got here? Answering my own phone and putting in 60 hours a week in that dumpy excuse of an office for what is, quite frankly, a disgracefully small paycheck.” When Ed laughed, Stede’s shoulders relaxed. “I went to fucking NYU Law and I don’t even have anyone to help me with my research.”
 
Stede laid his hand out palm up on top of the table and Ed took it. “Imagine how nice it would be to just…want something and then you have it.”
 
“It’s wonderful,” Ed said immediately, riveted by the way Stede’s face lit up when he laughed again.
 
They fell silent and Stede stared at where their hands were joined for a moment. “I think about it too,” he said finally. “About what my life would look like if I had never married you.”
 
“And?” Ed asked, his voice little more than a whisper.
 
“And then I realize that I’ve just erased every single thing I am sure about. You. The kids.”
 
“Good things.”
 
Stede smiled. “Yeah.” He searched Ed’s face. “What are you sure about?”
 
“I’m sure that right now, there’s nowhere else I’d rather be than here with you.” 
 
*****
 
For the first time since he was in college, Ed spent an entire cab ride making out. Stede’s hands were everywhere, sliding under the hem of Ed’s skirt, palming the curve of his chest, tangling in his hair. Ed was seconds away from mounting Stede right there in the back seat, but they arrived at the hotel and Stede didn’t even try to hide his smug smile when Ed had to adjust his dress so he didn’t flash everyone getting out.
 
They kissed in the elevator and they stopped every few steps to kiss in the hall and Stede kissed Ed up against the door while Ed fumbled around Stede’s pockets for the card key. 
 
“Wait,” Ed breathed when Stede tapped the card against the reader and started to push inside. “I um…” he cleared his throat. “Come here.” He wrapped an arm around Stede’s waist as the door clicked shut again, then stooped to sweep his other arm behind Stede’s knees. It was cheesy and he wasn’t exactly lifting weights at the gym every day, but he lifted Stede into his arms like he weighed nothing and smiled at the shocked expression on Stede’s face.
 
“Would you get the door, Sunshine?”
 
“Anything for you, Moonshine,” Stede replied with a wheezy giggle. He tapped the card again, turning the handle while Ed pushed against the door with Stede’s shoulder and awkwardly carried him over the threshold. They didn’t get far, Ed dropping Stede’s legs to the floor as soon as the door slammed shut behind him, but Stede’s cheeks were rosy and his eyes were dancing.
 
Ed cupped his cheeks and took a deep breath, staring into Stede’s beautiful face while everything inside him rearranged. “I love you. I never stopped loving you after all these years.”  Stede didn’t know, couldn’t know what he meant, but it didn’t matter. He glowed under Ed’s love just as Ed felt like he was shining with it from within.
 
“That’s all I ever wanted to hear,” Stede breathed, sliding his hands up Ed’s bare back as he stepped in close to kiss him. 
 
They undressed each other slowly, savoring the rare night to themselves without a baby monitor rushing them along. Stede lifted his arms so Ed could pull off his shirt and trail hungry kisses over his collarbone. Ed gave Stede his back and shuddered as Stede pushed the straps of the dress down his arms and left nibbling kisses down his spine. The front of the dress hung down, the skirt still around Ed’s waist, and Stede slid his hands around to meet on Ed’s belly. Ed tipped his head to the side and moaned when Stede sucked and nibbled up the side of his neck. His large hands and thick fingers slid up Ed’s chest, spreading wide as if to touch as much of him as possible.
 
“What was it you said?” Stede breathed into Ed’s hair while his thumbs circled Ed’s stiffening nipples. “You want me to fuck you? Want to feel me so deep…” he trailed off. “What was next?”
 
“Stede,” Ed whimpered, trying to reach behind himself to touch Stede, to bring him closer. “Please.”
 
“Please what? Please like ‘I need you to bend me over and fuck me until I can’t walk’, or please like ‘I need you to fill my mouth with your cock until I’m choking.’” Stede clamped his teeth down on Ed’s ear and chuckled at the way he keened. “We have all night, I want to give you whatever you need.”
 
“Please make love to me,” Ed replied, voice hoarse with wanting. “I want to watch your face when you come inside me, I want to be close.”
 
“Darling,” Stede teased. “It sounds to me like you’re a man who knows

exactly

what he wants.” He shoved the dress down over Ed’s thighs until his legs were trapped, then slid his hand down the back of the lacy black panties Ed had been relieved to find in his underwear drawer. “You were really dying for it, weren’t you? The dress, the panties…”
 
Ed couldn’t respond because Stede was dragging his finger down his crack and then pressing lightly against his entrance. “Fuck me,” he breathed instead.
 
“Darling, I think you need to relax,” Stede tutted in his ear. He slid a hand up Ed’s back then pressed lightly until Ed started to bend forward to rest his elbows on the bed. He was going to choke out that the lube was in the bag, but Stede was carefully pulling Ed’s underwear down, freeing his stiff cock, and then pushing both the dress and the underwear down to catch on the top of his boots.
 
“Don’t worry,” Stede murmured at Ed’s soft, distressed noise when he felt Stede’s breath against his ass. “I’m going to make love to you, I’m going to give you everything you want.” He sank his teeth lightly into the curve of Ed’s cheek. “I know how to take care of you.”
 
When Stede’s tongue dragged over Ed’s hole, he buried his face in the bedding to moan. His fingers tightened into fists and another moan sobbed out of him when Stede drew the tip of his tongue in the lightest circle.
 
“I want to hear you,” Stede murmured before burying his tongue inside Ed.
 
The next cry was shouted when Ed turned his head and rested his cheek on the bedding. “That feels so fucking good, babe, I don’t…” he swallowed the next words.

I don’t deserve it, I fucked up. You deserve everything.

Stede moaned, the sound muffled, and he pressed a finger firmly against Ed’s perineum. He laughed through his nose and fluttered his tongue when Ed wailed at the pressure combined with the slick drag against his sensitive skin again and again. “Are you ready for a finger?” Stede asked lightly, his tone casual as you please. “Oh yes,” he breathed when he easily slid the tip of his index finger inside. 
 
A series of soft, sobbing moans flowed from Ed’s mouth as Stede shallowly finger fucked him alongside his pulsing tongue. “You’re going to come apart for me so beautifully, aren’t you?” Stede breathed. “Lube in the bag?”
 
“Yeah,” Ed gasped, going limp against the bed as his legs shook. He gave himself a few deep breaths to collect himself, then wrestled his boots off so he could kick the dress and underwear off his legs. He perched on the edge of the bed and watched Stede finish undressing, letting his eyes move over the planes and curves of his body. He sighed hungrily when Stede pulled his boxer briefs down. “You know you have the prettiest cock I’ve ever seen.”
 
Stede raised an eyebrow and started across the room. “Yeah? You’re not just saying that because I’m still mad at you?”
 
“You lick my ass every time you’re mad at me?” Ed asked, a sigh rattling out of him when Stede climbed into his lap and slowly lowered himself. They shared a breathless moan when their cocks brushed, and Stede cursed when Ed stroked both of them together briefly.
 
“Mm, that’s marriage.” Stede kissed him, rolling his hips into Ed’s touch until they had to stop, resting their foreheads together to catch their breath. “Lie back,” Stede said when they’d both finally reeled themselves back from the edge. 
 
One thick finger, then two opened Ed up while he writhed and begged, his ankle up on Stede’s shoulder and his hands fisted in the bedding. “Please, Sunshine. I need you, it’s been so long.”

It’s been so long since I’ve been loved,

he thought. “I love you,” he said out loud.
 
With a growl, Stede pulled his fingers out, a small smile flickering at the corner of his mouth when Ed whined at the loss. Then he was slicking his length, leaning over Ed with an arm braced on the bed, and pushing inside. They sighed together. It felt like coming home and Ed smiled as his eyes sank closed.
 
“Look at me, let me see those beautiful eyes,” Stede murmured, and he rewarded Ed for opening his eyes again with a long, deep stroke. “It still feels like the first time.” Hot tears streaked out of Ed’s eyes, but Stede didn’t slow. He just wiped them away with his thumb and smiled. “Every time feels like the first time with you.”
 
“Yeah,” Ed gasped, the syllable punching out of him when Stede bottomed out and then pulled almost all the way out. “I was made to fit with you, baby,” he managed as a sob built up in his chest. “I love you,” he said again.
 
“I know,” Stede whispered. “I know that.” Ed’s breath hitched and he slid his hand up over Stede’s chest, over his pounding heart and his pretty neck, until his fingers were in Stede’s mouth, surrounded by wet heat. Every thrust was timed with the suction and Ed was overwhelmed with pleasure. He felt like he was about to come out of his skin with every slick drag of Stede’s cock, every flick of Stede’s tongue against the pads of his fingers, the unwavering love and desire in his hazel eyes.
 
Ed pulled his fingers out of Stede’s mouth and circled Stede’s pink nipples with his own spit, watched his head fall back and his mouth drop open on a silent moan. He was so beautiful. Ed had never seen someone so beautiful and his body started to tighten. Heat pooled in his belly and spread like wildfire from his fingers to his toes.
 
Stede lowered himself so his lips brushed Ed’s. “Do you want to come?”
 
The answer was yes of course and no I need this to last forever. “Yes, fuck yes,” Ed answered immediately.
 
“Then come with me, I’m so close, you feel so good.” Stede wrapped his fist around Ed’s leaking cock and stroked in time with every roll of his hips. “Say it.”
 
“I love you,” Ed said immediately, another piece of the puzzle falling into place. He clung to Stede’s biceps, fingers digging into the flexed muscle, and then he let go. Everything bunched up, his toes curled and his belly tightened, then he cried out as electricity raced through him from his scalp to the base of his spine. Stede didn’t slow, slicking Ed’s come over him and making the most obscene, wet noises with every stroke.
 
Ed was shaking, on the edge of more than he could take, and then Stede stopped, his entire body going stiff. His head was thrown back and the tendons in his neck stood out, his chest heaving with every breath. He relaxed bit by bit, dropping his chin to his chest first, his shoulders lowering after that, and then he slowly pulled out while both of them whimpered before he collapsed in bed next to Ed.
 
They cleaned up in the shower and brushed their teeth naked standing side by side at the sink. Ed rested his head on Stede’s shoulder a few times, feeling heavy and sated and exhausted. He thought he would instantly slip into sleep, but he couldn’t stop kissing Stede, couldn’t stop looking at his beautiful face on the pillow next to him.
 
“Tell me something,” Ed said. “I want to hear you say things.”
 
Stede laughed. “Anything?”
 
“Anything. Tell me what a bonehead I am, I don’t care.” Ed reached out and shifted a golden curl off of Stede’s forehead. “Tell me what’s been on your mind.”
 
A thoughtful expression shifted over Stede’s features. “Can I confess something?”
 
“Anything,” Ed said again, the exasperation in his voice teasing, and Stede smiled.
 
“I don’t like Sam. I never have.”
 
Ed’s chest tightened the slightest bit but he laughed. He hadn’t given Sam a passing thought since poker night. “Yeah, I can see why.”
 
“Can you?” Stede asked, boosting himself up on an elbow and resting his head in his hand. “I always thought the two of you were pretty close.”
 
There was a risk Ed was speaking out of turn, that he was guessing wrong about the “real” Ed’s feelings, but he didn’t think he was. “I wouldn’t say that at all.” He sighed. “Sam sort of makes me sad actually.”
 
“Why’s that?” Stede asked, his expression pinched.
 
Ed pursed his lips while he considered his next words. “He’s a guy who’s always staring at the grass over the fence wishing his was that green.” 
 
“Can I confess something else?” Stede asked softly.
 
“Of course,” Ed replied, bracing himself.
 
“For just a second, I let myself consider that whatever you’ve been going through lately was about him. About…you and him.” Stede’s face was neutral, watchful.
 
“God no.” Ed scrubbed his hand down his face, unable to help the soft laugh. “No. It may have been…flattering, I guess, to have him flirting with me. But nothing was ever going to happen.” Despite how horribly things had gone down with Pete, he knew that was true. “One look at your face and I remember that you’re my home. Sam’s just a guy. A really sad guy.”
 
“A really sad, really

hot

guy,” Stede pointed out, and he finally laughed when Ed rolled his eyes.
 
“He’s got nothing on you, baby,” Ed said, dragging Stede closer.
 
“Yeah?”
 
“Oh yeah.” Ed nuzzled into Stede’s neck and kissed the tender skin there. “You’re sexy.”

Kiss.

“Hot.”

Kiss.

“Fucking beautiful.”

Kiss.

“Life with him would probably be easier,” Stede insisted, humming when Ed flicked his tongue out against the hollow of Stede’s throat.
 
“Life with him would be

boring.”

Ed moved to pin Stede under his body, raising his eyebrows when he felt Stede half hard against him. “I wake up with you and I never know what my day is going to look like.”
 
“Sounds scary.” Stede shifted against Ed and they both groaned.
 
“It’s terrifying. And I think it’s everything I ever wanted.”
 
“I thought you weren’t sure,” Stede said saucily, laughing when Ed silenced him with a kiss.
 
“Maybe I’m not sure,” Ed said when they finally broke for air. “But you make me happy.”
 
Stede smiled and leaned up for another kiss, soft and sweet. Ed rested his forehead against Stede’s before he could give into the temptation to deepen it. “You make me happy, too, Moonshine,” Stede whispered.
 
“Can I make you really happy?” Ed asked, biting his bottom lip and grinding his hips down into Stede.
 
“You better.”

----- CHAPTER BREAK -----

Ed slid his hand across the bed looking for Stede before he even opened his eyes, humming a disappointed note when he didn’t bump into anything before he reached the other side. “Stede?” He called lightly, his voice like gravel. He cracked his eyes open to find the room too bright and he buried his face in his pillow, overwhelmed with gratitude. Ed had spent half the night up with Joey the night before and Stede had obviously let him sleep in. 
 
He stumbled downstairs for a cup of coffee, drawn in by the familiar noise of the family getting ready for the day, and froze in the doorway. Stede was standing at the stove, bumping his hips side to side and humming something tunelessly, Cece was drinking chocolate milk at the table, swinging her legs back and forth and Joey was babbling while he chased Cheerios around his high chair tray with clumsy fingers.
 
“Are we ready for the greatest scrambled eggs of all time, Cece?” Stede asked, whacking the spatula on the side of the pan.
 
“Daddy’s are better,” Cece said in that matter of fact tone that little kids had, and she giggled when Stede slammed a hand over his heart like he’d been struck.
 
“Do you hear that Jo Jo? Slandered in my own kitchen. You like my scrambled eggs, right?” He transferred the pan to a cold burner then moved smoothly to take Cece’s lunch bag down from its spot on top of the fridge. He moved around the kitchen like it was a dance, gathering things for Cece’s lunch, then scooping eggs onto colorful plastic plates and depositing them in front of the kids before returning to spreading peanut butter on a slice of bread.
 
Ed watched him in wonder, the way he kissed the kids on top of their heads without a thought between tasks, the way he swayed his hips to a song only he could hear.

This is my life.

The thought brought a smile to Ed’s face.
 
“Did we wake you?” Stede asked when he finally noticed Ed. “I was hoping you could sleep in a bit more.”
 
“Nah, it was the sun I think.”
 
Stede made a face that melted into a smile when Ed walked into his space to kiss his cheek. “Sorry, I should have closed the curtains.” 
 
“I appreciate you letting me sleep in.” Ed pressed a soft, lingering kiss to Stede’s mouth. “Good morning,” he whispered, watching Stede’s eyes heat and his throat move as he swallowed. Everything around them seemed to slow down for just a breath as they smiled at each other, then Joey’s plate hit the ground with a clatter and the world sped up again.
 
The usual flurry of getting ready to go took over. Cece had a small meltdown about the shoes she wanted to wear being missing and Ed crawled around on his hands and knees until he found them under the couch. It was a mad dash to get them out the door and into their car seats, and then Ed was being dragged into a long, sloppy kiss before Stede smacked his ass and got into the driver’s side. 
 
When Ed went back inside to shower and get ready for work, the house felt empty and far too quiet. He took his time in the shower, but once he was out, the silence pressed in on him and he hurried to get out the door.
 
Elizabeth was restocking a shelf of mixed berry preserves when Ed pushed into the shop with a jingle. “Hey mama!”
 
“Finally!” She called back, sounding exasperated.
 
Ed checked his watch. “I’m an hour early!”
 
“That can’t be right.” She checked her own watch and groaned. “This is the day that doesn’t end.”
 
“Slow?” Ed asked as he crouched down to adjust a sloppy looking row of pickled radishes.
 
“Unbearably.”

“I was going to put that new shelf together with the extra hour today but if you want to take off…” Ed started, clamping his mouth shut when she gave him a look. “Okaaaay.”
 
He retreated to the back room and spent the next 45 minutes cursing under his breath. But the shelf came together and it even seemed pretty sturdy, and Ed felt a swell of pride. He hadn’t really had to bother much with things like this for years, having the money to buy furniture he didn’t have to build himself. There was something about putting it together with his own hands, knowing the shelves were going to be filled with things he made that left him with a deep sense of satisfaction. Not better than buying it already finished, but different.
 
Elizabeth stayed half an hour over to help get the shelf in place and stock it with jars of red onions stained pink with the pickling liquid and sweet pickles. Golden honey was arranged across the top with a honeycomb oozing honey in a large jar in the center. They both stood back to admire the effect and Ed put his hand out for a high five.
 
The bell jingled behind them and they both jumped. Sam stepped inside, looking sheepish when his eyes landed on Elizabeth. “Good afternoon, Sam!” Elizabeth called
 
Sam nodded, his smile tight, and he crossed his arms over where his shirt plunged in a deep V, almost to his belly button. “Hello,” he replied, his accent stiff.
 
Elizabeth checked her watch, apparently completely ignorant to Sam’s discomfort. “I’m going to head out.”
 
Ed felt a little thrum of nerves and he almost asked her to stay, but he gave her a one armed hug and waved her off instead. Sam wandered around the shop pretending to look at jelly like it was the most fascinating thing in the world until she had gathered her purse and left with another jingle.
 
“Let me know if you need anything,” Ed said, his voice too bright, and he retreated to stand behind the counter.
 
Sam grabbed a jar, seemingly at random and brought it to the register, setting it down with a dull clunk on the wood. “I missed you this weekend,” he said, his chin out and his dark brown eyes flashing.
 
“I was needed at home,” Ed said firmly, keeping his voice steady. 
 
“Look, I know you’re scared,” Sam said and he reached over the counter to take Ed’s hand.
 
“I’m not scared.” Ed jerked his hand away. “I love my husband and I wouldn’t do anything to jeopardize what we have.”
 
“Right,” Sam scoffed. “And when you get bored again, I’m sure you expect that I’ll just be waiting?” 
 
“No,” Ed said as kindly as he could. “You won’t be a factor at all.” He bit back the apology on the tip of his tongue and watched Sam’s face stiffen with anger.
 
“You’re an asshole.”
 
“Yeah. But not because of this.” Ed flicked his eyes to the display on the register. “That will be twelve even.”
 
“I changed my mind,” Sam said snidely, shoving the jar so hard across the counter that Ed had to scramble to catch it so it didn’t smash into the floor. By the time he’d recovered, Sam was disappearing out the door and Ed felt much lighter.
 
The day stayed slow, with a couple of customers popping in to look around but not buy anything. Ed helped a local grocer load up a box of honey and preserves in her truck a couple of hours before closing and had otherwise spent the day dusting and goofing off.
 
Of course, when Ed was toying with the idea of closing half an hour early to get home and hopefully see the kids before they went to bed, the bell jingled to announce a customer. There was a beat of disorientation, like he had stepped between his two worlds, when he recognized the tall, muscular man who had walked in with a baby carrier strapped across his chest, complete with sleeping baby.
 
“Charles?” Ed said before he could stop himself.
 
The other man cocked his head, then his eyes widened in recognition. “Eddie Teach holy crap! Honey!” A pretty, dark-haired woman had followed him in and Charles was dragging her closer to the counter. “How long has it been man?”
 
Ed had no idea how to answer that question because as far as he knew, this Ed and Charles had never met. “Too long!” He said, his voice full of a false cheer that made him cringe.
 
“This is my wife, Brit.” Ed took her hand and shook it, feeling out of his body. He’d had dinner with Brit and Charles regularly since they’d met a few years back at the office Christmas party, but she looked at him blankly now. “Ed and I used to work together at Chase before he moved out to paradise.”
 
The pieces clicked into place and Ed bit back a wry chuckle at how small the world was. “I wouldn’t call it paradise exactly, but I have no complaints. How’ve you been?”
 
“Good, I left Chase not long after you did for this great little investment company…”
 
“Oh shit, I just saw you on the news, yeah?” Ed asked, feeling a little pang remembering the deal he’d spent months on going through without him.
 
Charles beamed. “That’s right.” He sucked his teeth and shook his head. “Man, it is good to see you. You’re not going to believe this, but when we were closing that deal, I kept wishing you were there. You were always so good at that shiii…” he trailed off at Brit’s pointed look at the baby, like she would wake up and her first words would be profanity. “Stuff,” he finished with a grin.
 
“I miss it,” Ed admitted. “I love it here, don’t get me wrong. But I miss being in the thick of it.” He gestured around the mostly empty store. “Not exactly the most stimulating environment.”
 
“Family man,” Charles said with a fond shake of his head.
 
Ed nodded at the sleeping baby strapped to Charles’ chest. “You too.”
 
A dopey smile crossed Charles’ face and Brit nudged him with her elbow, her own wide smile brightening her features. “It’s not always easy, I feel like I miss a lot.”
 
“You’re there when it matters,” Brit assured him.
 
“I always kind of thought it was either or. Either the family or the dream job,” Ed mused, thinking of Stede in their cozy home, then his penthouse filled with sharp edges and objects Joey would undoubtedly choke on.
 
Charles looked thoughtful for a beat, his lips twisted to one side, then he was fumbling in one of his pockets and sliding a business card across the counter. “Tell you what, if you’re interested, give me a call. We’ve been looking for brokers since this deal went through and raised the company’s profile.”
 
Ed picked up the card gingerly, a flicker of excitement quickening in his breast. “Yeah?”
 
“Yeah, I’ll kick you straight up to the bossman.” Charles made a face. “After the tip I gave him on the Badmintons, he owes me one anyway.”
 
“Don’t we talk about work enough as it is?” Brit asked, nose wrinkled, and Ed tucked the card quickly away to show them around the shop and fawn over baby pictures.
 
After he rang them out and gave Charles a one-armed hug before they left, he closed up shop on auto pilot. Was it possible to have it all? He loved what he’d found out here in the suburbs with Stede, the unexpected gift of a second chance, the kids he’d never have been able to dream up, but who had his heart anyway. 
 
Still, he missed the vibrance of the city and the high pressure nature of his work. As much as he loved spending more time with his mother, he never would have pointed to pickling vegetables and talking to customers all day as a career goal. It was nice, albeit sleepy, and on days like today when no one walked through the door, he felt restless and unfulfilled.
 
Maybe there was more. Maybe there was Stede and the kids

and

the dream job. A balance that he hadn’t known how to strike as a younger man. He blinked and realized he’d finished closing up as if in a dream, the lights already flicked off and the day’s meager take in a sealed envelope in the safe. 
 
He was getting ahead of himself, of course. He didn’t have the job yet, and there was still the matter of talking to Stede about it. The business card felt heavy in his pocket, but he didn’t show it to Stede when he walked in because the kids were still awake.
 
Cece was crabby and Joey was clearly still teething, and Ed felt like a bonafide hero when he swooped in to help his flustered husband. With Joey on his hip, he hurried Cece through her bedtime routine, actually getting a grudging laugh out of her when he let her brush his teeth too. Scrubbing the toothpaste out of his beard after both kids were in bed was worth it when he saw Stede’s fond smile.
 
“She got the best of you?” Stede asked, looking at Ed under heavy eyelids. 
 
“She always does,” Ed replied, pulling the top sheet back so he could get into bed and snug up behind Stede’s back. “Hi, by the way.” He thought about the business card and then pushed it away. 
 
“Hi,” Stede murmured back, running his hands back and forth over Ed’s forearms. “Missed you.”
 
“Missed you.” Ed kissed a path from Stede’s temple to his lips, unable to hold back his chuckle when Stede barely mustered the energy to kiss him back. “I love you.”
 
“Love you,” Stede breathed back, already heavy in Ed’s arms with sleep. They could talk about it tomorrow.
 
*****
 
The next day was brutal. He brought the kids with him to the farmer’s market, enduring nonstop complaining from Cece about her feet hurting and how hot it was, while Joey raised hell from the stroller. Ed left them with his mother for ten minutes when everyone was calm to call Charles and ask if he’d meant what he said about hiring, scoring himself an interview and a guilty conscience. But he was going to tell Stede as soon as he got home, it would be fine.
 
Ed woke up at midnight on the couch to Stede’s lips on his forehead and an apology for getting in so late. Stede was practically cross-eyed with exhaustion after spending all day and well into the night researching a new case. Now wasn’t the time for a heart to heart about their future.
 
By Friday, it had just been one of those weeks where they were hardly in the same room long enough to do anything but sleep. At least, that was the excuse Ed gave himself when he found a place to park his car and walked into the high rise that housed Queen Anne Investors in his best suit, his hair tamed into a tidy bun at the crown of his head. Stede was none the wiser, but Ed reasoned with himself that there may be nothing to tell.
 
It was odd walking through the lobby now. The last time he’d been here, the place had been empty save for the security guard and Ed had sounded like a lunatic. Now, it was bustling and he did his best to look like he belonged. The suit he was wearing was noticeably cheaper than the ones he was rubbing elbows with in the elevator, but maybe no one else noticed.
 
He almost felt like he was coming home when he stepped into the familiar office, and his shoulders relaxed. Charles saw him almost immediately and his face broke into a welcoming smile. “I was so glad you called, mate. Been talking you up to Izzy all morning.”
 
“No pressure,” Ed joked around his tightening throat. He was used to being Izzy’s boss (not that Izzy ever acted like it), and he wasn’t sure how to impress Izzy as someone looking for a job. 
 
And Izzy was not impressed. He wasn’t impressed with Ed’s reason for leaving the city, he wasn’t impressed with the business Ed and his mother were running or Ed’s push for expansion into more grocery stores in the last few weeks. Izzy was stone faced, asking a few questions that seemed intended to take Ed down a notch rather than learn anything about him.
 
And with every sneer and barbed comment, Ed felt himself calming. He didn’t

need

this job, but he damn sure wanted it. “I know that adding a piddling five figures to the bottom line of my mother’s business doesn’t seem like much to you when you’re dealing with billions here,” he said, relieved that Izzy’s disdainfully curled lip had no impact on him. “But I can do this job, I know I can.”:
 
“I’m sure you believe that…” Izzy began, already looking at his watch and moving as if he was going to get up.
 
Ed cut him off. “Badminton would have folded for less. They were looking for an influx of cash after years of mismanagement. Hornigold is thrilled with how this deal went, I’m sure. But it could have gone better with the right pressure.”
 
Insulting Izzy’s management of the merger was a risk, but watching his dark eyes narrow, Ed knew it was one that had paid off. “Why do you say that?”
 
Ed shrugged carelessly. “I can read people.”
 
“Read me,” Izzy challenged, sitting back in his seat.
 
That hardly seemed fair, but Ed pretended to think about it. “You’re married to the job and you like it that way. You’d live at the office if you could, hell you’d be perfectly happy if the markets stayed open 24/7.”
 
Charles snorted then turned it into a cough when Izzy glared at him, then Ed continued. “You’re a demanding boss, work/life balance is a bit of a mystery to you, but you’re always the last one out the door and you don’t take off when there’s work to be done to golf.”
 
Izzy’s jaw worked while he absorbed Ed’s words and he twiddled his thumbs, a nervous tell that Ed recognized. “You don’t know shit.” Then, he leaned closer to Ed. “I don’t like you.”
 
“Noted.”
 
Izzy steepled his fingers and regarded Ed as if he was looking at a particularly bothersome bug, then he crossed his legs and leaned back in his seat. “I’m gonna give you a shot, but the first time you slip, it’s fucking over, you got me?”
 
Ed felt like his head was filling up with helium, but he nodded. “Got it,” he breathed. “You know you’re different here,” he said before he could stop himself.
 
“The fuck does that mean?” Izzy asked impatiently.
 
“Different from…how you were on tv.”
 
“Right.” Izzy rolled his eyes, then shifted in his seat to retrieve his phone from his pocket, signaling that the meeting was over. “Charles, get him set up, would you?”
 
Ed followed Charles out, his chest swelling with excitement and something else, something like fear.

Holy shit. Holy fucking shit.

He officially needed to talk to Stede.
 
*****

“Ok…” Ed whispered, his hands on Stede’s shoulders to direct him to the middle of the room. “Open your eyes.” He exhaled hard, his eyes fixed to Stede’s face as he blinked and looked around the spacious living room. 
 
It seemed like their entire house could fit in this one room; and if the alarmingly sharp cornered coffee table was moved out of the center, Cece could do cartwheels from one end of it to the other. A huge, widescreen television was mounted to the wall facing an opulent, red couch made of some kind of luxurious material. Pristine white chairs sat at an angle at either end of the couch and Ed could practically see Cece’s paint covered handprint on the upholstery. 
 
Standing here with Stede next to him, the apartment that had looked like a dream a few hours before suddenly looked like hazards stacked on hazards. There were side tables with lamps that could hit the floor in a shower of glass, bookshelves that he could picture Joey climbing and falling from, and a glass front cabinet under the television just to start. 
 
“What’s all this?” Stede asked, a half smile playing at his lips that was anything but happy. “Do we have this place for the night?”
 
Ed’s heart somersaulted and he had the distinct notion that he was in a tailspin. “Think bigger.”
 
“The weekend?” Stede ventured, and now there was genuine anxiety in his voice. Ed could practically see him trying to tally up the costs in his mind.
 
“It’s a perk,” he said in a rush, eager to wipe the worry off of Stede’s face. 
 
“A perk of what?” Stede asked, his eyes moving over Ed’s face as if searching for an answer he already knew.
 
“My new job. Queen Anne Investors want to give us time to sell the house and find a place in the city. We can stay here as long as we need.” Ed watched Stede absorb that information like a physical blow.
 
“Sell the house?” Stede asked, his voice rising in pitch. “Why would we sell our home? I don’t…Edward, I don’t understand. I thought we were finally on the same page again.”
 
“We are! But we can have more, we can stop counting pennies every time a god damn pipe bursts. I’d be making four times what I’m bringing home from the shop right now.” He searched Stede’s face, looking for some flicker of happiness. “This was supposed to be a good surprise.”
 
Stede crossed his arms tight across his chest. “What about my job?”
 
“There are plenty of people you can help pro bono here in the city, Stede. You’re a damn good lawyer and maybe here, you’d actually have someone to answer your phone.” Ed took Stede’s elbows in his hands and nearly recoiled at how tightly Stede was holding himself.
 
“And Cece’s friends?

Our

friends? Your mother and Fletcher? When will we see any of them?” Stede took a step back and Ed let his hands fall away.
 
“Ok, if moving is out of the question, then I’ll commute.”
 
Stede laughed, the sound almost hysterical. “That’s not a solution, Ed! That’s an hour both ways on a good day. When would we see you?”
 
Ed moved to run his fingers through his hair, letting out a frustrated growl when he remembered it was still pulled up into a bun. “I don’t know what you want me to say.”
 
“Well for starters, a conversation

before

you accepted a job that would uproot our lives would have been nice.” Stede looked around the room, hardly seeming to see any of it. “I thought we were past this.”
 
“Past what? We both wish we were more financially secure, I didn’t hallucinate that conversation.” Ed didn’t want to push too hard, things had been nearly perfect since their anniversary. But if he could have the best of both worlds, he wanted that.
 
“Did

I

hallucinate?” Stede shot back. “I thought we agreed that we didn’t want to raise the kids in the city.”
 
“This city is the center of the universe,” Ed insisted.

“Everything

is here. The best schools, the culture…” He trailed off when Stede paced away with a hand over his mouth.
 
“I can’t believe you would do this without talking to me.” Stede paused in front of an enormous painting mounted on the wall, staring dully at a point in the middle. “Is our life so bad…”
 
“It’s beautiful, Stede, more than I ever could have hoped for. But I’m talking about a

perfect

life. A life with you and the kids and money in the bank when all the bills are paid. It’s everything we pictured when we were young and then some. Life threw us a few surprises, we made sacrifices, I get that. But now I can finally get us back on track.”
 
Stede said nothing, his back to Ed and his body language stiff. The silence between them grew tighter, it expanded and seemed to fill the entire apartment up with its weight. “Just…” Ed began, his voice faltering when Stede seemed to cringe at the sound of his voice.
 
“Just think about it,” Ed tried again. “No more shitty restaurants, no more stocking up just because something’s on sale, no more….” Everything felt so thin suddenly and Ed grasped for the reasons that had all felt so vital when he’d accepted the key to this place. “No more setting up 16 fans during a heatwave to be

slightly

comfortable.”
 
Stede shoved a hand into his hair and finally turned to Ed, his golden curls standing up in tufts when he dropped his hand. “So buy a god damn air conditioner, Ed! Don’t go getting a new career or…” he trailed off and pressed his hand low on his belly like he felt ill. “Don’t move us out of the house we became a family in without so much as a discussion.”
 
When Stede started towards the door again, Ed followed, his hand falling just short of grabbing him. “I wanted to do this

for

us. I…I just want us to have a life that other people envy.”
 
Stede laughed, the sound thin and humorless, and when he turned back to Ed, there were tears swimming in his hazel eyes. “But they already do envy us.” He held up his hand when Ed tried to speak again and he shook his head. “I think we need to sleep on it. If that’s alright.”
 
“Of course,” Ed whispered, and trailed out of the apartment behind Stede. The drive home was quiet, the music too low to hear without straining, but neither of them seemed motivated enough to turn it up. When they pulled into their driveway, Ed tried to speak, but Stede was already getting out of the car and practically sprinting to their front door.
 
Pete gave a rundown of everything that had happened while they were gone, shooting surreptitious glances between Ed and Stede. When he finally gave Ed a tight lipped look, Ed almost laughed as he shook his head.

No I didn’t cheat on Stede, yes I fucked everything up another way.

Lucius finally managed to pull Pete out the door and Ed watched Stede escape up the stairs to check on the kids. Ed let him go, taking a slow walk through the living room to look at all of their photographs. Some were obviously professional, and just as many were grainy, clearly taken on a phone, commemorating some moment that Ed wished he could remember.
 
Sick to death of himself, Ed walked into the kitchen to get himself a beer, killing time until he could bring himself to walk up the stairs and face Stede. He cracked the bottle open and stared out the window into the darkness. What was he going to say? I’m not used to taking anyone into consideration but myself? I thought you would thank me?
 
He blew out a disgusted sigh and carried his beer back into the living room. He tried to watch tv, but he felt too restless so he took another lap around the room. He absently tidied up toys as he went, then fluffed the pillows on the couch. The beer was gone, so he went back to the kitchen for another before he decided to try and read something.
 
Nothing on the shelf was grabbing his attention and he was slowly resigning himself to going upstairs to apologize or fight or whatever it was he needed to when he saw it. A paperback that was shorter than the other books with a slip of paper sticking out of the top. He slipped the book out of its place and carried it with him to the couch.
 
It was some pulp novel with a man on the cover pointing a gun at a shadowy figure. He opened it to the point where the paper had been placed like a bookmark, wondering who had put the book down here, if they had been bored perhaps or if they had simply forgotten. 
 
Then he looked at the paper, a plane ticket from London to New York City on July 2, 2011. “I came home the next day,” he breathed, feeling the edge of the ticket with his fingertip.
 
“When you got on that plane, I thought ‘I wonder how long before we call this what it is, a breakup,’” Stede said softly, and Ed looked up to see him a few feet away in his pajamas. “I got home and I cried, convinced that I was never going to see you again.” His eyes warmed and he seemed to get lost for a moment. “Then you showed up the next day. Now

that

was a good surprise.”
 
Stede lowered himself to kneel between Ed’s legs, resting his warm palms on his thighs. “When we bought this house, I remember telling you I knew it was the one because I could see us sitting out on the back porch when we were old and gray.” His eyes moved over Ed’s hair, then crinkled in the corners. “Well, gray

-er,”

he amended.
 
“Alright,” Ed muttered, but the tension had broken and Stede smiled.
 
“I can see us here forever, Ed. Taking prom photos of the kids under the tree in the front yard. Kneeling side by side with our hands in the dirt like a couple of kids even when we’re old. Our grandkids’ feet pounding on the floor while you chase them.” 
 
Stede sniffled, and dashed a tear away, digging his fingers into Ed’s thigh just a little, but not enough to hurt. “Things change,” he said, as if he’d made a decision. “Things change and if you need this, if it’s that important to you, then we will find a new place to grow old. I love

you,

sometimes more than my body can contain. And that’s more important than our address.”
 
Ed’s eyes sank closed when Stede’s hand slid up to cup his face. “I choose you, I choose

us,

Ed. Every time.” 
 
Ed leaned his head into Stede’s touch and felt the lightest brush of Stede’s lips against his. “I love you so much.”
 
“I know,” Stede whispered and when he kissed Ed again, it was with more pressure, more purpose. “Why don’t you take me to bed and show me how much. Everything else can wait until tomorrow.”
 
They walked hand in hand up the stairs together, both of them instinctively skipping the step that creaked. Then they made love, quieting each other with laughing kisses and fingers over lips. Ed didn’t know what the right decision was when they were lying in each other’s arms after any more than he had before, but he did know that he was loved.
 
“I’m sorry I didn’t talk to you first,” he said finally when the afterglow had faded and both of them were drifting to sleep.
 
“Thank you,” Stede whispered back. “I really don’t want to move. But I know that if anyone can make a happy home wherever that ends up being, it’s us.”
 
“Oh my god, you’re so sappy,” Ed grumbled in his ear, tightening his arms when Stede moved to roll away. “Where do you think you’re going? This bed is tiny.”
 
“I’m being vulnerable and you’re being mean to me,” Stede said with a sniff.
 
Ed kissed him behind his ear, moving his lips in a small circle on the sensitive skin and waiting for Stede’s body to relax into his before he spoke again. “Home is wherever you are.”
 
A laugh burst out of Stede. “Now who’s the sap?”
 
“We’re sap for sap, baby,” Ed whispered in his ear, feeling Stede’s laugh vibrate through his chest.
 
Ed was starting to drift when Stede patted his forearm where it was banded around Stede’s middle. “We’re going to be ok.”
 
*****
 
It was Sunday when it happened. Ed had spent the morning mowing the lawn, sweating through his t-shirt in record time. Cece brought him a glass of water while he was locking the mower up in the shed before traipsing off to the swing. Ed wanted to go inside and park himself in front of a fan, but she was sitting on the swing staring at where her toes dug into the dirt looking forlorn.
 
“What’s up, princess?” He asked after he’d finished draining his glass. She shrugged and gave herself a tiny push off the ground with her toes. Ed set his glass down in the grass and crouched down in front of her. “You can tell me.”
 
She lifted her eyes to look at him and her bottom lip was sticking out in a little pout. “I want to play but Joey’s asleep and Dad’s doing stuff in the kitchen.”
 
“Excuse me?” Ed gestured at himself. “Can I not play with you?”
 
Cece narrowed her eyes and pursed her lips. “Can you play tag?”
 
“Well…” Ed got to his feet. “Yeah,” he said, then quickly tapped her knee and started running.
 
“No fair!” She squealed and he heard the swing chain clank as she jumped to the ground. Ed didn’t run full out, it was too hot and he was already exhausted, but his legs were longer and he still had to pull back so she could get closer. He dodged hard to the right when she almost had him cornered up against the house, pausing briefly to wink at Stede through the window and groaning when she tapped his arm with a triumphant, “Gotcha!”
 
Ed went as long as he could, chasing her around the yard until he collapsed into the freshly cut grass. She clambered onto him and sat on his chest, grinning down at him. “I won.”
 
“Tag champion of the world,” Ed agreed tightly, his breath coming in shallow with her weight on him, but he didn’t mind.
 
Her brow furrowed and then her eyes widened in delight. “Daddy!” She fell forward to hug him around his neck. “I knew you’d come back.”
 
Ed lifted his arms to hug her back and tried to hold back the sudden, desperate desire to sob.”We gotta get inside kiddo, I’m gonna melt,” he said finally, and he hoped she didn’t notice that his cheeks were wet when she pulled back to get up. He followed her into the house, stripping his sweat soaked shirt off on the way.
 
When he walked into the kitchen, Stede’s eyes moved over him hungrily from where he was standing at the sink. “You need a shower.”
 
“Yeah?” Ed crowded into his space and wrapped his arms around Stede’s waist.
 
“Oh my god, you’re so sweaty!” Stede wriggled to try and escape, and Ed squeezed him tighter. 
 
“Come shower with me,” he whispered in Stede’s ear, chuckling when Stede shivered.
 
“I wish, now go away.” Stede was still laughing when Ed kissed him, but he sank into it and let himself be pressed into the counter. “You stink,” Stede whispered when they pulled apart, his eyes dancing.
 
“You love me,” Ed whispered back.
 
“Mhm,” Stede hummed, and pulled Ed back in for another kiss.
 
“I’m

starving

here!” Cece shouted from behind them and they broke apart with a laugh.
 
An hour later, after Ed had scarfed down two sandwiches and a glass of iced tea and he was freshly showered, they turned on a movie. Stede put his head in Ed’s lap and dozed off while Ed played with his hair. Cece had half an eye on her coloring and half an eye on the movie, and Joey fell asleep on the floor surrounded by toys. Something rang through Ed, like a perfect chord being struck at the exact right moment.
 
“This is our home,” he said softly and Stede woke up with a soft, “hmmm?” Ed looked down at him, at his features softened with sleep, and he smiled. “I said, this is our home. I don’t want to go anywhere if you don’t.”
 
Stede’s face brightened, his lips curving. “Really?”
 
“Really.”
 
And that was that, Stede stayed in his lap and Ed kept his hand in his golden hair. Nothing had changed except Ed.
 
Everything was perfect. Finally.
 
Then he heard the bell ring. 
 
It was dusk and he was sitting in a lawn chair with an iced tea watching Cece ride her bike back and forth on the sidewalk. Stede was lying on the grass with Joey sitting next to him on a blanket while they enjoyed the cool evening air. And Cece trilled the bell on her handlebar with a long, ringing high note that cut into Ed’s chest. “What the hell…”
 
“Oh right, I put that on her bike this week.” Stede boosted himself up onto his elbows. “I still don’t understand why you went all the way into the city to get Cece a bell for her bike on Joey’s birthday.”
 
She rang it again and dread clawed up Ed’s throat like bile, though he couldn’t explain why.
 
He tried to go through the motions of the evening normally, to ignore the vines of anxiety wrapping around his heart. He drew a bath for Cece and scooped bites out of a banana for Joey, but his heart raced and a band of anxiety tightened around his chest. Still, maybe it was nothing.
 
“We’re out of milk,” Stede said from where he was bent in half looking in the fridge.
 
“I can go,” Ed replied quickly. He felt restless and edgy and he hoped getting out of the house would help. 
 
The convenience store parking lot was all but empty when he swung the van into a spot right by the entrance. He cursed himself for not driving just a little further to the grocery store when he saw the $6 price tag on a half gallon of milk. “This is highway robbery,” he muttered, grabbing the container with the furthest out expiration date and heading towards the counter.
 
“Alright, mate,” a familiar voice said from behind the register and Ed’s blood ran cold. “That’ll be $5.50. Out of $20.” Archie accepted a $10 bill from the man at the register and apart from a slightly confused look on his face that was gone in a flash, he didn’t react. 
 
“What the hell are you doing here?” Ed asked, tightening his grip on the plastic handle of the milk jug.
 
Archie popped the register open and grinned when her eyes landed on Ed. “Eddie! How you been?” She counted out $14.50 into the customer's hand and made meaningful eye contact with him. “Anything else I can do for you?”
 
There was a pause, and then the man smiled weakly and shook his head. Archie flicked her eyes back to Ed. “Is that milk? Bro you really went and got all domestic. Figured some shit out, didn’t you?”
 
“I’m not going back,” Ed said, his voice trembling, but Archie was ignoring him, her eyes back on the man at the door. He looked back once, nodded, and then pushed the door open and disappeared into the night.
 
Archie made a noise of disgust in her throat and threw her hands in the air. “No integrity and for what? Ten bucks?” She shook her head and looked at Ed. 
 
“Are you hearing me?” Ed raised his voice. “I’m talking to you.”
 
“That’s just so disappointing,” Archie continued as if Ed hadn’t spoken.
 
“I’m not. Going back!”
 
Archie put a placating hand out and gave Ed a sympathetic look. “Relax, Eddie.”
 
“You can’t just do this! Pop me in and pop me back out. What the hell did you do with the guy who was supposed to be here? Has he been wreaking havoc on

my

life? What the hell would I even go back to?”
 
“Doesn’t really work like that, bro,” Archie said with a smirk. “It wasn’t like…a switcheroo. It was a glimpse.”
 
“What the

hell

does that even mean?”
 
“A glimpse, a peak, a

temporary

look at what might have been.” She cocked her head and she did at least look sympathetic. “You did great, man.”
 
“Don’t…” Ed scrubbed a hand through his hair helplessly and stared at a speck of dirt on the floor until he’d bit back the tears that threatened to fall. “You can’t just take this away from me now. It’s not right.”
 
“A glimpse is an impermanent thing, Eddie,” Archie said softly. “What you do with it is up to you.”
 
Ed jerked his wallet out of his back pocket and slapped a ten down on the counter. “I need to get home to my family,” he said, as if Archie would be convinced if he just used the right words. 
 
His fingers tingled from gripping the steering wheel so tightly and he missed the turn onto his street as his mind raced a thousand miles a minute. He had no idea what to do to stop this. After he flipped around and finally  pulled into his own driveway, he looked up at the house, the

dream

house, and his throat tightened.
 
Was this some kind of punishment? Showing him a life he could never have because of one choice he’d made 13 years ago? He flexed his fingers and curled them again, then blew out a long, slow exhale. It hadn’t really been one decision, though. It had been the decision to get on the plane, then the decision to not come back, to push Stede away when it got too hard to hear his voice when he couldn’t see him.
 
A million tiny decisions had led him to his life, just like a million tiny decisions had built the one he’d been in for the last few weeks. Helpless desperation swirled in Ed’s belly as he stared at the porch light over the front door. There was no going back, no unmaking the choices he’d made. But he was still here, so he was going to make the most of it.
 
He got out of the car and somehow didn’t collapse to the ground when his knees tried to go out. Stede was tidying up the living room when Ed opened the front door, and his face lit up before it collapsed in concern. “Are you alright?”
 
“Yeah,” Ed lied. “Just got a little lightheaded. Did I miss goodnights?”
 
“You might be able to catch Cece but Joey’s down for the count.” Stede took the milk from Ed, then pressed a cool hand to his brow. “Are you sure you’re ok?”
 
“Yeah.” Ed managed a smile and took Stede’s free hand to kiss his fingertips. “I’ll meet you in bed, ok?”
 
“Ok,” Stede replied, still studying Ed’s face. His expression cleared and he kissed Ed’s cheek. “See you in a minute.”
 
Ed crept up the stairs and pushed quietly into Cece’s room. She sat up when the light from the hall fell across her bed. “I was worried you weren’t going to say goodnight,” she said, her voice sounding so small.
 
“Wouldn’t miss it for the world, princess.” He crossed the room and sat on the edge of her bed, tucking her back in and brushing loose curls away from her face. “You know I love you, right?”
 
“To the moon,” she said with a little giggle. Then her expression became thoughtful. “What was it like?”
 
“What was what like?”
 
“Staying with the aliens.”
 
Ed couldn’t help the laugh that huffed out of him. “They were actually pretty nice.” He pressed his fingertip to the tip of her little nose. “I dreamed of you and your dad and your brother the whole time.”
 
She smiled and he watched her eyelids grow heavier, like she’d just been waiting for him to finally drop off. He stayed too long, watching her face go slack and listening to her breathing deepen, then he finally got up when his lower back started to hurt from his position. 
 
Joey didn’t stir at all when Ed crept into his room, and only let out one soft sigh when Ed brushed a finger across the baby soft skin of his cheek. “I love you, JoJo,” he whispered, his heart clutching when the corner of Joey’s mouth curved up just a little.
 
He couldn’t put it off anymore, and if he stayed here much longer staring down at the baby, he was going to break down. Stede was sitting up in bed when Ed finally walked into their room, glasses low on his nose while he looked over a sheaf of papers.
 
“I was wondering when you were going to come to bed,” Stede said without looking up while he finished whatever paragraph he was reading. Then he set the papers aside and looked up. “Are you ready to talk about it? Are you having doubts about the job?”
 
There was absolutely nothing in his voice but concern and Ed loved him so much it was like a physical ache. “Not at all,” he promised and clambered into bed so he could wrap his arms around Stede’s waist and press his ear to his heart. “Do you remember the day we met?”
 
“Hm, of course,” Stede murmured, rubbing his hand up and down on Ed’s back. “I was so scared, I was all alone and out for the first time in my life and you just…instantly befriended me.”
 
Ed let out a watery chuckle and tightened his arms. “I couldn’t help it. From the minute I saw you, I wanted to know you.” He pulled back just enough to look into Stede’s face. “I know I’ve been doing some unusual things the past few weeks.”
 
Stede pretended to think about it for a moment, his nose wrinkled adorably. “It’s been interesting,” he agreed.
 
“Some good things, too, right?” Ed asked, hoping it was true.
 
“You’ve been Edward Teach.” Stede smiled and brushed his thumb along one of Ed’s cheek bones. “That’s always a good thing.”
 
Ed sat up and took both of Stede’s hands in his, staring at the wide fingers and neatly trimmed nails, and tried to remember to breathe. “I need you to remember me like this, Stede. Remember how much I love you, how much I love having a family with you and being by your side.” He lifted his eyes to Stede’s. “Promise me.”
 
Stede’s smile faltered and he squeezed Ed’s hands tight. “You’re scaring me. Are you alright?”
 
“I am.” Ed kissed Stede’s hands and then his cheek, then his lips. “I am, I just…need you to promise. Otherwise, it’s like it never happened and I don’t think I could live with that.”
 
Stede freed one of his hands from Ed’s and cradled his face. Whatever he saw when he looked into Ed’s eyes, he must have decided that reassuring Ed was more important than asking questions. “I promise. Now come to bed.”
 
Ed hesitated. He was exhausted, but he was terrified to fall asleep, to wake up in his penthouse all alone. “Yeah, just let me get ready.”
 
He brushed his teeth and stripped out of his clothes and he found Stede already drifting off. Ed got into bed and wrapped himself around Stede, breathing him in, memorizing the way their bodies fit together. Stede rolled over to face Ed and they found each other’s lips, molded their hands over each other’s bodies, tangled their legs together. As if he could sense that all Ed needed was to keep him close, Stede held them there, just kissing and breathing each other in.
 
Eventually, Stede’s movements got sluggish and his eyes got heavy, so Ed kissed his eyelids and held him close. “I’ll remember you like this, too,” he promised, and eventually, he felt Stede go slack in his arms.
 
When sleep threatened to pull him under with Stede, he carefully disentangled himself and moved to the chair under their window, watching Stede roll into the spot where Ed had just been, then settle in. Maybe if he could stay awake, he could have one more day. One more morning with the kids, one more night falling asleep in Stede’s arms.
 
His body grew heavy and every time he blinked, he felt like there was grit in his eyes. Stede looked so beautiful, so ethereal in the moonlight with his golden hair almost silver in the glow. Ed tried so hard to keep his eyes open, but sleep beckoned him, then welcomed him, and he finally succumbed.

----- CHAPTER BREAK -----

July 5, 2024
 
Stede’s alarm blared and he reluctantly opened his eyes, fumbling for his phone and groaning when it slipped from his fingers and fell into an open box next to the bed. His head throbbed and he remembered the bottle and a half of wine he’d had the night before.
 
Then he remembered why and he whimpered pathetically. “Calling your ex the day before you move across the ocean, astounding judgment, Bonnet,” he muttered to himself, squeezing his eyes shut against the persistent blare of his alarm, still ringing in the cardboard box.
 
With one more fortifying breath, he forced himself out of bed and retrieved his phone from the box to shut it off. Of course, there were no missed calls and he grimaced. Most people when confronted with a box of the things their college sweetheart had left behind would simply throw the box away, but not Stede.
 
No, Stede had called his assistant and asked him to track down Edward Teach to resolve an urgent matter. The urgent matter being an NYU hoodie, a half burned candle that still smelled like lavender, a framed photo of their faces squished together on the ferry out to the statue of liberty, one sock, a mixed CD of “their songs” they’d made together, a battered pulp novel with a strip of pictures from a photo booth nestled between the pages, and a note Stede had found when he’d gotten home from the airport after he’d dropped Ed off.

Never forget how much I love you.

-Ed.

For a moment, Stede had imagined he could still smell Ed on the fabric of the shirt, the faint scent of cigarettes and mint and leather, then he’d breathed in again and it was gone. As painful as the slow fade and ultimate breakup had been, Ed was such a good memory for Stede. He had been the first person to make Stede feel safe to truly be himself. He had taught Stede what kind of love he deserved. 
 
It was hard to feel anything but warmth when he thought about Ed, even all these years later. But there was something else, a pull towards him, an ache in the deepest part of his belly reminding him that part of him was missing. He told himself he just wanted to hear Ed’s voice one more time, maybe even to tell him how much their relationship had meant to him, even, or maybe especially, when he’d shoved himself back in the closet.
 
When the dial tone rang in his ear, he’d practiced what he was going to say under his breath. Then a woman answered, because of course Ed didn’t answer his own phone, and he’d stumbled through haltingly asking if Ed could call him back before he crawled into a wine bottle and spent the night there.
 
He’d managed a shower by the time Mary and the kids arrived, then his assistant showed up with the movers. Stede chugged a glass of water and scarfed down the breakfast burrito Mary brought him, feeling somewhat closer to human as he helped shove his life into boxes. 
 
Stede and his four year old son, Louis, carefully taped labels to boxes as they were filled and Alma, his seven year old daughter, pushed them across the floor when they were finished. Louis taped three of his fingers together, laughing hysterically as Stede tried to unstick them. The mood was fairly jovial considering Stede was moving to London (the irony wasn’t lost on him), but he’d still make the flight back home as often as possible and he could facetime whenever he wanted. 
 
“Oh hello!” Mary said from the doorway, and Stede tried to see over the wall of boxes he was sitting behind to no avail. 
 
“Um…hi. I’m looking for Stede?” The man’s voice was so familiar, maybe a little deeper than he remembered, the accent a little flatter after years spent in America, but he’d bet every last dollar that Edward Teach was standing at his door.
 
Stede struggled to his feet, biting out a sharp curse when his right foot wouldn’t hold his weight because it was asleep. He stomped once to try and return circulation, cringing at the pins and needles tingling through his arch and up his ankle.
 
“You’ve come to the right place,” Mary said brightly. “Stede?”
 
“Just a second.” Stede stomped again, then rose to his full height so he could see over the boxes and there he was. Ed’s hair was short, the dark strands shot through with silver and tumbling in charming curls across his forehead, with a close cropped salt and pepper beard covering his jaw. He was in well-tailored designer jeans and a soft looking purple t-shirt that molded perfectly to his body. He looked

good,

albeit a bit tired. His eyes moved over Stede’s face like he was drinking him in and something dangerous shimmered over Stede’s skin.
 
“Hi!” He said cheerfully, stepping out from behind the boxes, trying to hide his nerves behind his smile. “Wow, you look good. How long has it been?” He asked, then cringed because he knew exactly how long it had been.
 
Ed laughed, the sound choked, and something Stede couldn’t place passed over his face. “Feels like yesterday.” He was quiet, studying Stede as if trying to identify all the ways he’d changed in the intervening years. “You look amazing. How’ve you been?”
 
“Good.” Stede gestured at all the boxes. “Busy,” he added with a laugh. 
 
“Where are you going?”
 
“My daddy’s moving to London and he’s going to take me to the tower if I misbehave,” Alma said with a wicked grin and Ed looked down at her in surprise, then back at Stede.
 
If he didn’t know any better, Stede would say Ed looked upset. “You’re leaving?”
 
“Mhm,” Stede said, feeling a small flare of temper that flamed out immediately. Whatever was happening, all of the hurt between them was water under the bridge. “So what brings you by?” Stede asked, suddenly exhausted.
 
“You um…you called?”
 
The box. “Right! I stumbled across a few things when I was packing yesterday and I thought…well I thought you might like to have them back.” Before Ed could say anything else, Stede retreated to his bedroom to find the box in the increasingly bare space. For a moment, he worried that he’d sent it down with the movers to be shipped off to London, then he found it half kicked under his bed.
 
When he came back out to the living area, he saw Ed crouched down looking at the picture Louis was working on at the table while Alma regaled him with a colorful retelling of her last dance recital where she had been the only one to remember the steps. He smiled and he nodded and he interjected in all the right places.
 
“You have kids?” Stede asked, and something painful flickered across Ed’s face.
 
“Not yet,” he said finally, like he’d needed a moment to catch his breath. “Some day.” His eyes flicked down to the box in Stede’s hands, “Ed stuff” scrawled across the brown cardboard in black sharpie. “That’s it?”
 
“Yeah.” Stede walked close enough to hand it to him, and he held his breath. There was nothing to worry about, though. Ed’s hand didn’t so much as brush his in the transfer, and there was a nervous flutter of disappointment in Stede’s belly. “Sorry about the mess,” he said, gesturing around the apartment just for something to do with his hands.
 
“Sorry I just dropped in,” Ed replied. They fell into an awkward silence and Stede could feel the kids and Mary looking between them waiting for one of them to break. “Do you think we could go get a coffee?” Ed blurted just when the silence had become too much for Stede to bear, his tone bordering on desperate.
 
It was on the tip of his tongue to say yes and one look at Mary’s face said she’d gladly push him out the door. “I’m flying to London at 7:00 tonight, Ed,” he said kindly. “Maybe when I’m settled in, we can give each other a call.”
 
“Or I can bump into you in London,” Ed offered, smiling weakly like he knew it would never happen.
 
“Sure, I’d love that,” Stede replied, mustering up his own fragile smile. They lapsed into silence again, as if both of them were doing the mental calculus on whether or not they should hug.
 
“Right.” Ed drummed his fingers on the box and took a step back. “It’s really good to see you.” He took another backwards step, as if he was trying to keep his eyes on Stede as long as possible.
 
“You too.” Stede watched him go, feeling like he should say something but not at all sure what. Then Ed was gone, out the open doorway and back out of his life forever. Stede stared at the space he’d been in until Mary’s hand shook him out of it.
 
“You ok?” She asked, her voice soft like she was afraid Stede was going to shatter and he gave her a look.
 
“I’m not going to fall apart over a man I haven’t seen in over a decade, Mary,” Stede chided her before he went back to his boxes.
 
And truly, he was fine. He turned over the long looks and heavy silences, the all too familiar frisson of instant and magnetic attraction while he packed, sure. But he had moved on. He’d married Mary, and maybe it hadn’t exactly been a love match, but they had made each other’s lives better. When he’d finally come out to her over a bottle of wine, she’d smiled and held his hand and told him everything would be alright.
 
It had been more than alright. They’d divorced quietly, and she was engaged to her long time best friend, Evelyn. Stede had had a few lovely relationships with very nice men, he spent time with his kids, he genuinely loved his life. There wasn’t an Ed shaped hole that haunted his every waking moment. Ed was a very old scar, a phantom ache that awakened sometimes when a certain song came on or when the night was particularly heavy. Stede was happy, a little lonely, a little unfulfilled, pretty much the same as everyone else.
 
The rest of the day passed by quickly and it felt like he was suddenly in an Uber with his family driving to the airport. They hugged and kissed goodbye on the sidewalk while the driver got his carry on out of the back, and then was walking into the airport with a knot in his stomach wondering if he was doing the right thing. 
 
For the first time in a few hours, he let himself think of Ed. He wondered how coffee would have gone if he’d decided to take Ed down to the place near his building. He wondered if Ed was still thinking about him or if he’d moved on with his day, tossing the mementos into the nearest trash bin once he’d stepped outside. 
 
“You’re next,” someone behind him said impatiently and Stede jumped, snapping out of his reverie to load his things into a tub at security. With three hours to spare once he was through the metal detector, he found himself an outlet near his gate and settled in. He lost himself in his book, desperate for the distraction, and he almost missed the call to start boarding his flight.
 
He hastily started piling his things into his laptop bag, pulling his charger out of the wall and coiling up the cord, then searching the floor to make sure he hadn’t dropped anything. He joined the shuffling line to board the plane, a tug in his low belly that he ignored. 
 
“Stede!”
 
With a soft, but sharp inhale, Stede turned towards Ed’s voice just as he called again, “Stede! Please don’t get on that plane.”
 
Ed was dressed the same as he had been earlier, but he looked rumpled and his hair was a mess, as if he’d spent the last several hours running his fingers through it. There was something like relief washing through Stede at the sight of him and he shoved it away. There was about to be an ocean between them, there was no sense in setting himself up to be hurt all over again.
 
Stede stepped out of line so Ed would stop yelling and hopefully, people would stop staring, but Ed kept talking. “I really think we should get that cup of coffee. I’ll personally put you on the next flight to London, I swear. I just need to talk to you.”
 
“What the hell are you doing, Ed?” Stede asked, his voice hushed as if to make up for the volume of Ed’s. As he drew nearer, he could see the flush in Ed’s cheeks and the way his chest heaved as he gasped for breath, like he’d run all the way to the gate.
 
When Ed just stared, as if he hadn’t actually expected Stede to get out of line, Stede adjusted his grip on his rolling carry on and sighed. “I don’t understand, why now?

You

left

me

and now…what? You need closure?” Ed sucked in a breath and his lips parted like he was going to reply, but something stopped him, so Stede continued. 
 
“Look, I

was

heartbroken, but I’m ok. I’ve

been

ok for a long time. When I think about you, I feel happy and a little sad, and I always hope you found whatever it is you were looking for. But I moved on.” Stede searched Ed’s face, seeing a longing there that was almost painful to witness. “You should do the same.” He started to edge away again, needing as much space between him and the look on Ed’s face as possible. “I have to go.”
 
He turned away, and started back towards the first class line. Ed was silent behind him and Stede tried to tell himself it was a good thing. Whatever Ed was going through wasn’t about Stede. His hand trembled when he tried to pull his ticket back up on his phone, and he was just about to scan it when Ed’s voice rose over the ambient chatter and announcements again.
 
“We have a house in Tarrytown!”
 
Stede froze, staring at the display on his phone while he tried to absorb the non sequitur. 
 
“We have two kids,” Ed went on and Stede finally turned, stepping out of line and murmuring an apology to the person behind him. “Cece and Joey. They’re amazing, Cece is so smart and kind. She believes in magic and she never stops dancing. The way her smile lights up a room reminds me of you.”
 
When Stede’s feet stayed rooted to the floor, but he didn’t move to scan his ticket, Ed smiled and pressed on. “Joey’s still just babbling mostly, but oh my god watching the way he takes in the world around him? How sometimes we can just tell he’s learning something new?” He laughed and shook his head. “It’s the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen.”
 
Stede wanted to move, maybe to run down the gangway, maybe towards Ed, but instead he was glued to the spot. He was drinking in Ed’s confusing words, thirsty for more even as he couldn’t understand what was happening. All the years of what ifs that Stede had played out when Ed crossed his mind, and now Ed was filling in the gaps while strangers stared at them.
 
“Our house is beautiful. I mean…it needs work, but we love it. It’s…” here, Ed’s voice broke, but he didn’t stop. “It’s where we became a family.” His steps faltered, but he didn’t stop talking. “You’re a non-profit lawyer, if you can believe it. You work hard and the pay’s shit, but you love being part of something good, something that helps people.” His eyes were so painfully soft as they moved over Stede’s face. “But you’ve always been like that, haven’t you?”
 
Ed’s voice lowered as he got closer, and Stede finally took a step. “We’re in love. Amazingly, maybe even more than in college, even after the kids and the unexpected curveballs and the sacrifices. We love each other so much, and you won’t even let me touch you until I say it.”
 
They were walking towards each other now and they stopped when they were finally close enough that if Stede reached out, he could touch Ed. “We’re the couple everyone’s jealous of. We bring out the best in each other and we’re best friends.When we’re together, it feels like everyone tells you love is supposed to feel.”
 
“I don’t understand,” Stede whispered finally, but he wanted to.
 
“Maybe it was just a dream, maybe I just went to bed lonely last night after you called and imagined all of it, but it felt

so

real, Stede. And I’m terrified that if you get on that plane right now, it won’t mean anything, it will disappear.” He looked like he was going to reach out, but he kept his hands at his side and took another fortifying breath. 
 
“If you get on the plane, we’ll both be ok. We’ll move on with our lives and it will be fine. But I’ve seen us together, Stede, and it was extraordinary. Like we were meant to be. I know it’s fucked up for me to ask this when I got on that plane 13 years ago, but, please don’t go. London will be there tomorrow and all I’m asking for is one cup of coffee.”
 
Stede thought about all the reasons he should go. He thought about his new job, his fresh start, his flat in London, the time it had taken him to nurse his broken heart back to health after being certain that Ed was his soulmate. And then he looked at Ed’s face, with lines that hadn’t been there the last time they’d stood in an airport, but bright with love that was all too familiar, and he breathed, “ok. Ok, Ed.”
 
“Really?” Ed’s breath all seemed to rush out of him at once and he laughed. “I sound fucking crazy, what are you doing?”
 
“Do you want me to get on the plane?” Stede asked through his own laughter, and then that was that. They walked quietly side by side past shops that were pulling their gates down for the night, finally settling on a bar that was still open and claiming a table off to the side.
 
Ed hurried off to order them coffee, returning with two steaming mugs, a small pot of milk, and a sugar caddy. They settled into a tense silence while they doctored their coffee and Stede briefly thought about running to catch his flight after all. Then Ed smiled at him and Stede felt his shoulders relax.
 
“You’re…not seeing anyone, right?” Ed asked suddenly, and the weird tension that had started building between them dispelled when Stede laughed.
 
“No. I haven’t seen anyone seriously for a few months. What about you?” Stede lifted his mug up between his hands and blew steam away across the top.
 
“I don’t know if I’ve seen anyone seriously since you, if I’m honest,” Ed admitted.
 
“You never got married?”
 
“Uh…” Ed chuckled and looked at Stede from under his eyelashes for a beat before turning his attention back to his coffee. “Not exactly. I was too focused on work I guess.”
 
“Have you been happy?” Stede asked, taking a small sip to test the temperature of his coffee and setting it gently on the table when it scalded the tip of his tongue.
 
Ed was quiet for a moment, his brow furrowed while he considered the question. “I think so. I mean…I like my work, I’m good at it. I have friends and I travel. I’m lucky in a lot of ways.” Then he shrugged. “And also I think I’m lonely.”
 
“Lonely how?” Stede prompted, taking a pink sweetener packet out of the caddy and shaking the contents aimlessly.
 
“I wish my apartment wasn’t empty when I came home, but I work too much to have a pet.” Ed paused, his lips pursed in thought before he continued. “I miss having someone care about how my day was, having a foot next to mine in bed, listening to them complain about the asshole in front of them in line.” Stede hummed in agreement.
 
“What about you?” Ed asked, leaning a little closer. “Are you happy?”
 
“Yes.” Stede felt his lips curve in response when Ed smiled at his answer. “I love my kids and my ex-wife is an amazing friend. I have a good job that lets me do the things I love and provide for my family.” He tapped his fingers lightly on the table between them and studied the grain of the wood while he decided how honest he wanted to be. “And I think I’m lonely too.”
 
“Do you ever think about us?” Ed asked, and for the first time in 13 years, he touched Stede. It was just the lightest brush of his fingers against Stede’s knuckles, but it was warm and comforting.
 
“Sometimes.” Stede looked up and let himself study Ed’s face. “After you left, I reconnected with Mary and once you and I broke up, it felt safe to marry someone who was such a good friend, who wanted all the same things I wanted. But it also hurt to pretend I was someone I wasn’t again.”
 
Ed’s face collapsed into an expression of remorse and this time it was Stede who reached out, resting his hand over Ed’s for just a beat. “It was my choice. And remembering that I could be free? Remembering how I was with you? It gave me so much hope. You helped me trust myself even years after things ended.”
 
They lapsed into silence, heavy with years of history and hurt and love. Ed’s face was stormy, lost in thought while they sipped their coffee. Then Stede cleared his throat and lightly touched Ed’s wrist again to draw him back from wherever he had gone. “Before I called, did you ever think about us?”
 
“Oh the first year I moved back to the city, I couldn’t walk down the street without feeling you everywhere. But you were already married so I just…had to live with it.” Ed’s eyes grew remote again for a moment, but when he came back, he was smiling. “It was good, though. Always good memories. And I was rebuilding my whole life

again,

for the second time in five years, and it helped remembering that someone had loved me that much.”
 
Stede felt an overwhelming wave of fondness, a warmth that seemed specifically reserved for Ed. “I’m glad.” He cleared his throat, not ready for the way that Ed was looking at him just then, and shifted the subject to safer waters. “How did you find my gate anyway?”
 
Ed made a face and laughed sheepishly. “I got a hold of your assistant, told him it was life or death, and then bought the first flight I could find so I could get through security.” He checked his watch. “My flight to Barcelona should be taking off any second now.”
 
Stede couldn’t help feeling touched at the lengths Ed had gone through to talk to him, and they shared a long smile before Stede finally looked away to stir his coffee and collect himself. Once he felt more composed, he started talking about his move to London and Ed gushed about his favorite places, promising to send him a long list of recommendations once Stede actually got on a plane. They both quieted when the final boarding call for Stede’s flight came over the speakers, and Ed seemed to hold his breath, releasing it in a rush when Stede picked up where they’d left off.
 
Conversation moved easily between them, one subject flowing into another, both of them talking themselves hoarse. Stede was laughing until his stomach ached when Ed talked about a particularly difficult client one moment and they were leaning across the table intently while Stede talked about the pro bono work he got to do the next. They sat in the uncomfortable wooden chairs until Stede’s lower back hurt and the staff had started flipping chairs up onto the tables around them. Several of the gates were dark and empty, just one long line that Stede could see slowly shuffling forward. He looked at his phone and gasped.
 
“We’ve been here for four hours,” he said, showing his display to Ed and watching his eyes widen.
 
“Oh shit.” He flipped his own phone over that he’d set face down on the table hours earlier and grimaced before shoving it into his pocket. 
 
“Is everything alright?”
 
“Yeah, just work stuff.” Ed rose to his feet and stretched his arms high over his head, and his shirt lifted just enough to show Stede a glimpse of his soft stomach. He forced himself to look away, but something small and hot flickered to life in his chest.
 
Stede got up and did his own stretching, pressing his palms into his lower back to try and relieve the dull ache. “Well. My bed is currently on its way to London, so I should probably try and find a hotel.”
 
“Or you could…” Ed cut himself off, ducking his head and rubbing his hand on the back of his neck.
 
“Or I could…” Stede repeated, his voice light despite the little burst of heat growing just a tad hotter.
 
“It’s my fault you missed your flight and I have an extra bedroom.” Ed smiled sheepishly. “At the very least, let me give you a ride to a hotel. I can bring you back to the airport in the morning either way.”
 
“I’ll take you up on that.” 
 
Ed dampened the hopeful look that appeared on his face almost as soon as Stede saw it. “The ride?”
 
“The room. It’s late and if you’re offering…” Stede smiled and shrugged, and his heart rolled over when a boyish smile lit up Ed’s face. 
 
*****

Stede let out a low whistle when Ed waved him inside his spacious penthouse. Floor to ceiling windows showcased an exquisite view of the city, but Stede couldn’t help noticing how generic the decor was. The furnishings were plush and high quality, but it looked more like a high end show room than a home. Sleek floor lamps flanked a white sofa and blocky modern art was hung strategically around the room. A teak cabinet hid what Stede assumed must be a television that was rarely watched. 
 
The touch that felt the most like Ed was the sumptuous, faux sheepskin rugs scattered throughout the cavernous living space. Stede could just imagine Ed walking barefoot across the soft carpet and wiggling his toes. Everything else felt like it belonged to someone else, as nice as it was.
 
“You’ve done well for yourself,” he said finally and Ed laughed.
 
“Just say you hate it.”
 
“I don’t

hate

it. It just feels a little…impersonal.” Stede smiled apologetically, but Ed just grinned and waved him off.
 
“I hired a decorator to make it look nice but honestly, I use the bar and my bed.”
 
It was ridiculous for the mere mention of a bed to settle under Stede’s skin like this, but it did and his voice came out almost cartoonishly bright when he asked Ed if he wouldn’t mind showing him to the restroom. Once he was locked inside, he spent a few minutes freshening up, swirling toothpaste around his mouth and fixing his hair as well as he could after hours of absently running his fingers through it.
 
When he came back out, Ed was staring out the window with his arms wrapped around himself like he was cold. “You ok?” Stede asked from behind him and Ed half turned, his eyebrows high as if he was surprised that Stede was actually here.
 
He turned back to the window and nodded at the night sky. “Yeah. It just feels like a lifetime since I was standing here last night watching the fireworks.” Ed gave his head a quick shake. “What did you do last night?”
 
Stede thought about lying, but Ed’s vulnerability with him all night was so disarming. They hadn’t seen each other in so long, yet Ed was completely wide open and it had cracked Stede open too. “I was packing and then I found that box.” He reached the window and stood shoulder to shoulder with Ed, mimicking his stance and staring at Ed’s ghostly reflection in the glass. “I was sure that your office would be empty on the holiday, but I called anyway and then I heard the click when someone picked up. I think that nanosecond when I thought I might actually hear your voice again went on for a lifetime.”
 
Ed’s exhale was shaky and his expression seemed to collapse in Stede’s periphery. “I’m sorry I didn’t call you back.”
 
“Well.” Stede snickered. “I think showing up at the airport and begging me to stay was the next best thing.”
 
“I did not

beg,”

Ed insisted, turning his whole body to face Stede. “I simply stated my case with conviction.”
 
Stede finally turned his head to really look at Ed. “And now I’m here, so what do we do?”
 
“I’d really like to know you again, Stede.” Ed’s eyes moved over Stede’s face hungrily. “I miss you.”
 
“I’m moving,” Stede said gently.
 
“I don’t know if you’ve heard of these crazy devices that let us keep in touch with people who are far away, but….” Ed’s voice cut off with a gasp when Stede uncrossed his arms to press his fingers to Ed’s lips. It was funny to watch Ed’s eyes widen, but when they heated and his breath washed out over Stede’s fingers, Stede’s heart thundered in his ears and it wasn’t particularly funny anymore.
 
“Ok, funny man,” Stede said, going for light, but his voice came out strained. “What do we do tonight?”
 
“I can show you to your room,” Ed said, and the brush of his lips on the pads of Stede’s fingers made the blood in his veins sing.
 
With a fluid confidence that surprised him, Stede stepped closer and moved his fingers back and forth over Ed’s lips until his eyes fluttered closed. “Or, you can show me to yours.”
 
When Ed opened his eyes, they were molten with heat. He wrapped his arm tight around Stede’s waist like he’d been holding himself back and Stede moved his hand just in time for Ed to crush their lips together. 
 
His first thought was

Ed tastes different.

Then he felt a profound sense that he had finally come home, even if he and Ed were worlds away from the men they’d been in college. Stede whimpered when Ed tilted his head to change the angle and urged Stede’s lips open, then a low growl rumbled from his chest when Ed’s tongue stroked lightly against his.  
 
Ed pulled back to look at him, brown eyes moving over Stede’s face as if he was confused and the answer was in the downturn of Stede’s lips or the look in his eyes. “What is it?” Stede whispered.
 
For a moment, Ed’s expression was clouded with doubt, but then it cleared and he smiled, just a little twist of his lips. “Nothing, it’s just…so familiar, but it’s new too.” He pressed a quick kiss to Stede’s lips, then breathed, “it feels good,” into the scant space between them before Stede closed the distance with a hungry growl.
 
He felt cold glass against his back before he registered that Ed had backed him up against the window, and Stede used the support to lift a leg up and curl it around Ed’s thigh. Ed immediately grabbed Stede’s thigh and dug his fingers in, the other hand sliding up the nape of Stede’s neck and into his hair. 
 
Stede was so consumed by the kiss that he forgot to breathe and he felt lightheaded when Ed pulled back to look at him. “You’re beautiful. God, you always take my breath away,” Ed whispered, and Stede thought he might collapse.  
 
It was the way he said it, like he saw Stede every day and never got used to it, that crawled under Stede’s skin and made his heart race. “Please,” he gasped, not sure what he was asking for, overwhelmed by how right it felt to be pressed close to Ed’s body, to be looking at his face and sipping sweet kisses from his lips.
 
“Anything,” Ed promised and he brushed his nose against Stede’s, pausing just before their lips touched again. The look in his eyes was so earnest, Stede knew he meant it.
 
“Take me to bed.”
 
Ed took a step back and Stede’s foot dropped to the ground. He missed the heat of Ed’s body pressed against his, then Ed grabbed his hand and tugged him close again like they were about to slow dance. He stole a quick kiss, groaning when Stede deepened it and urged him backwards until they hit a wall. Ed grunted at the impact and Stede laughed into his mouth, cutting it off with a squeak when Ed reversed their positions to push Stede up against the wall.
 
His hands shook when he cupped Stede’s face and his chest heaved as he panted for his next breath. “Hey,” Stede breathed, covering Ed’s pounding heart with his hand. “It’s just me. It’s just us.”
 
“That’s just it.” Ed pressed their foreheads together and took a ragged breath. “It’s us. A lot’s changed.”
 
Stede slid his hand down and curved around to slide it up under Ed’s t-shirt and caress his lower back, smiling wickedly when Ed let out a soft moan. “And some things haven’t. I bet I still remember all the ways you like to be touched.”  
 
“I like all the ways you touch me, Stede.” Ed’s hands skimmed down Stede’s chest and stomach, then he gripped the hem of his t-shirt, pausing when Stede shivered at the brush of Ed’s fingers on his skin.
 
Stede lifted his hands over his head and Ed immediately stripped his shirt off, then his own, and they pulled each other in. Hot skin to hot skin, racing heart to racing heart. Ed’s hands braced on the wall behind Stede and their lips collided again, sloppy and eager, while Stede got his thigh up between Ed’s legs and swallowed his moan.
 
Stede felt hot and edgy, dragging against where Ed was hard and straining in his jeans again and again, desperate for more. But as ready as he was to have Ed bare beneath him, he wanted to savor every moment before. In all his wildest dreams, all of the distant hopes that one day, they’d bump into each other and maybe this time the stars would align, he had never truly believed that they’d be in each other’s arms again.
 
“Fuck,” Ed whined, dropping his head to Stede’s shoulder and grabbing his hip. They moved in perfect rhythm and it almost seemed like all the years between them fell away. They were just stumbling home from a night out, too ravenous for each other to make it to their bed. Then Ed lifted his head, his brown eyes almost pained with desire, and Stede saw the years on his face and in the gray in his hair.
 
“Bed,” Stede demanded softly, brushing his thumbs against Ed’s cheeks. “I need to see you.”

I’ve missed you.

Ed grabbed Stede by the waistband of his jeans and jerked him away from the wall with a shy smile on his face.

They made it the last few steps to Ed’s room, pulling on belts and buttons and zippers until Ed was on his knees in front of Stede to strip his jeans down, his lips on every piece of bare skin he could reach. Stede shivered at the path of kisses Ed left across his stomach just above the waistband of his boxer briefs as fingers skimmed down his thighs, the muscles tight with anticipation. 
 
“Can I taste you?” Ed breathed, nuzzling into the growing bulge in the front of Stede’s underwear, and it took a beat for Stede to catch his breath enough to speak.
 
“Yes,” he said, his voice hoarse. He bit out a whine when Ed pulled his underwear down and pressed a light kiss to the soft skin just above where Stede was growing harder. Stede used Ed’s shoulder for balance as he stepped out of his jeans and boxer briefs, then cupped Ed’s chin in his hand and tipped his head back to look up. “You look beautiful on your knees.”
 
“Jesus,” Ed whispered, his long eyelashes fluttering. Stede felt a rush, remembering how Ed  got when he was complimented, but especially in bed. He moved his thumb to press it against Ed’s bottom lip and watched with slack jawed amazement when Ed immediately opened and flicked his tongue against Stede’s thumb, then sucked the digit into his mouth.
 
“Such a pretty mouth, I forgot how much I love filling it.” Stede’s cock twitched when Ed moaned and sucked hard, his eager tongue against the pad of Stede’s thumb sending heat coiling in his belly. He slid his free hand up to grip Ed’s curls and lightly pull his head back. Ed’s bare chest heaved as he sucked shallow breaths in through his nose, his wide brown eyes fixed on Stede’s, waiting. “You want more?”
 
“Mmhm,” Ed hummed around Stede’s thumb, and he whined when Stede dragged it, slick with spit, out of his mouth and then wrapped his hand around his dick.
 
“Show me,” Stede said, his voice steady, but his legs were shaking. Ed flicked his tongue out to drag kitten licks against the head of Stede’s cock, and it was a wonder his shaking legs kept holding him up. When he opened wide and took Stede so deep, his cock brushed the back of Ed’s throat, the only thing that kept him from collapsing was the firm hand on Ed’s shoulder. 
 
As he bobbed his head back and forth, Ed let his eyes flutter closed, and Stede tightened the fingers still tangled in Ed’s hair. “Look at me,” Stede demanded, sounding as needy as he felt, and all of his breath gushed out of him when Ed immediately opened his eyes and fixed them on Stede’s. “That’s good.”
 
Ed was sloppy and eager, his throaty moans and slurping noises going straight to Stede’s head like a sugar rush. Tension crawled up the back of his neck and tightened his abdomen, and the heady sensation just before he hit his climax spread across his nerves like wildfire. “Wait,” he breathed, tugging gently on Ed’s hair to pull him back. When Ed pulled off his cock with a groan, Stede bent down to claim his mouth in a hot, messy kiss.
 
“I want to come with you,” Stede whispered against Ed’s lips when they parted, then he helped Ed to his feet so he could shove Ed’s pants and underwear down. Once Ed kicked the last of his clothes off, they tumbled into his bed together, their legs tangled and mouths fused together the moment they’d settled into the center. The sheets were soft and cool against Stede’s heated skin and Ed was hot and hard above him. 
 
They ground against each other with aimless impatience, sloppy and rhythmless until Stede got Ed on his back and they slipped back into it like they’d been made to do this particular dance together. Ed palmed Stede’s ass and let out a strangled moan when Stede grasped their cocks together and started to move. He wanted it to last, it had been what felt like a lifetime since he had felt like this. But he was already sensitive from having Ed’s mouth on him and the excitement that the man clinging to his ass and gripping his bicep for dear life and kissing him was Ed was enough to bring him right back to the edge.
 
“Wanna feel you come,” Ed breathed, tipping his head back in ecstasy when Stede spasmed and spilled over his hand. He didn’t stop stroking, his orgasm stretching out as he milked every drop of come from his cock. He quivered and shook, but he could tell from the way that Ed’s moans were growing breathy and his body tightened that he was close. So Stede stroked until tears were in his eyes from overstimulation and he was weak with it. 
 
Finally, Ed barked out a harsh cry and his body arched into Stede’s. As soon as Ed relaxed back into the bed, Stede let himself collapse onto his back next to him. He may have blacked out because it felt like he blinked and Ed was gently cleaning him with a wet cloth, then he drifted again until he was pulled in close to Ed’s warm body.
 
“That was insane,” Stede said finally when his brain seemed to come back online. 
 
“Insane good, or…?” Ed asked, laughing when Stede huffed out an exasperated sigh. They trailed off into silence and Stede let himself enjoy Ed’s hand lightly stroking up and down on his forearm.He was starting to drift, the long day catching up with him, when he heard Ed’s stomach gurgle behind him.
 
“When was the last time you ate?” Stede asked, his eyes still closed and his voice muzzy.
 
“Um…” Ed’s stomach gave another insistent growl. “I’ve been a little bit distracted today.”
 
“Some things never change,” Stede murmured, unable to help his fond smile, and he forced his eyes open. “Time to raid the kitchen.”
 
“I have no idea what’s even in the fridge,” Ed grumbled, but he helped Stede out of bed and lent him a dress shirt that hit him mid thigh, then pulled on a long black robe. They rooted around the kitchen and Ed seemed to pull up short at a six pack of beer on the top shelf missing a bottle before shoving it further in the back.
 
“Didn’t like that brand?” Stede asked and Ed grunted in response. 
 
Together, they found enough to put together buttered noodles with the grated up remnants of a chunk of parmesan cheese. Following Ed’s lead, Stede climbed onto the heavy marble dining table and sat cross-legged facing Ed in the center. He cradled his warm bowl in his hands and waited for the steam to clear, watching the cheese melt over the bowtie noodles.
 
“This reminds me of that night…” Stede began, cut off by Ed’s almost immediate laughter. 
 
“The night I almost burned our apartment down?”
 
“I was

going

to say…well yes, the night you almost burned our apartment down,” Stede said, then carefully blew on his first bite. “I’ll never complain about buttered noodles, it’s still the only thing Louis will eat with any consistency.”
 
Ed was quiet while he chewed, a faraway look on his face. “How old are your kids?” He asked, his tone clearly going for casual and conversational, but there was an undercurrent Stede couldn’t quite put his finger on.
 
“Alma is seven and Louis is four. They’re at that fun age where they don’t want to eat anything but dinosaur shaped chicken nuggets and some form of pasta with cheese.” Stede watched Ed thoughtfully while they ate for a moment, weighing his next words. “You know, I always thought you didn’t want kids, but today…”
 
Ed’s lips curved in a wry smile and he set his bowl down on the table, as if he couldn’t eat and have this conversation. “For a long time, I didn’t really think I’d be any good at it, but…” he grimaced and shook his head.
 
“Tell me,” Stede pushed when Ed didn’t continue.
 
“You’re going to think I sound crazy.”
 
Stede reached out to pat Ed’s knee. “You are crazy, tell me anyway.”
 
“In that…dream…I guess…I liked being a dad. I had a knack for it. It took some getting used to, but the kids were amazing and I

wanted

to be with them. I missed them when I wasn’t.” Ed laughed and scrubbed a hand down his face. “It definitely made me rethink some things.”
 
Stede narrowed his eyes. “You don’t think it was a dream, do you?”
 
“Honestly? No. I changed three weeks of diapers and you and I had fights and I had to…” Ed gestured in the air in front of him. “Pickle things.”
 
Stede couldn’t help his laugh, but Ed didn’t look bothered and he softened it by taking Ed’s hand in his. “So it was like you were in the version of our life where we stayed together?”
 
“Yeah. Where I got on the plane and then immediately flew home. Only it was like

this

version of me was just dropped in where we would have been today…if that makes sense?” Ed grimaced.
 
“None at all, go on,” Stede prompted.
 
Ed shrugged and picked his bowl back up to shovel a couple of bites into his mouth, his next words garbled as he tried to talk around his food. “At first, I couldn’t wait to get back to my life. Then I never wanted to leave.”
 
“Because of me?” Stede asked, turning that possibility over and over in his mind to try and suss out how he felt about it.
 
“Partly. Because of me too. Because I liked being a father and a husband, I liked what it brought out of me once I let myself embrace it.” Ed had been staring at a spot on the table while he spoke, but he raised his eyes then to look at Stede with a self deprecating smile. “A bit more than you bargained for?”
 
Stede leaned close and pressed his mouth to Ed’s in a quick kiss. “Edward, this is exactly what I bargained for when I missed my flight.” He smiled and brushed his nose against Ed’s before he settled back in to finish his food. 
 
“Do you think I’m nuts?”
 
Stede thought about it and seesawed his hand, smiling when Ed’s jaw dropped in mock offense. “I think whatever happened felt real to you. And I’m glad…” here, Stede’s throat seemed to clutch around his words for a breath. “I’m glad it brought you to my door.”
 
Ed’s eyes moved over Stede’s face. “You’re always surprising me.”
 
The subject shifted and they cleaned up while they talked about nothing, about little things, about the life in between that they’d missed together, avoiding the inevitable conversation about what came next. Stede still didn’t know what he wanted, and he let the moment pass gratefully while Ed talked about the work trip he had skipped to come talk to Stede.
 
“It sounds important,” Stede said, taking a dripping bowl from Ed’s hand to dry. 
 
“It is, but it’s also nothing they can’t handle without me.” Ed pulled the sink drain and shook soapy water from his fingers, then blew out a disbelieving breath. “If I could have heard myself saying this a few weeks ago, I’d have never believed it.”
 
“Admitting that you’re not indispensable?”
 
“And being glad about it,” Ed added. He paused for a jaw cracking yawn and Stede took his hand to lead Ed back to bed. He meant to just crawl into bed pressed up against Ed, to enjoy the familiarity and the newness of being nestled into Ed’s body before his real life demanded his attention again. But Ed let his silk robe fall into a pool at his feet and instead, Stede sat on the edge of the bed with his hands on Ed’s waist and pressed delicate kisses to every inch of Ed’s stomach and chest and hips that he could reach.
 
Ed trembled under Stede’s hands and lips, and when Stede looked up, his face was twisted into an expression bordering on anguish. “Hey,” Stede breathed, taking Ed’s hand in his and pressing a kiss to his knuckles. “What is it?”
 
“It’s overwhelming,” Ed admitted, his voice cracking. “You’re overwhelming.”
 
“Come here.” Stede moved into the middle of the bed and Ed followed, sighing in relief when Stede pressed into his back and wrapped around him. “When I woke up this morning, this was the last thing that I expected.”
 
“I can’t believe you didn’t get on that plane,” Ed mumbled, sounding heavy with exhaustion.
 
Stede sniffed at the stray curl tickling his nose and put his hand over Ed’s heart, grounding himself with the steady

thump.

“I spent 13 years wondering what if things had been different. Not every day, or even every week. But still. I wondered.”
 
Ed’s voice was so small when he said, “I’m sorry, I should have…” 
 
Stede pressed a kiss to Ed’s temple, then nuzzled into his hair. “We can’t go back in time. We just have to do what we can with the time in front of us, right?”
 
“Right.”
 
They fell silent and Stede finally felt Ed grow heavy and still in his arms. His rhythmic breathing lulled Stede until he felt himself starting to drift, too. It was still dark when he opened his eyes again and for a moment, he wasn’t sure what woke him, then he realized at some point, Ed had rolled to face him and buried his face in Stede’s neck.
 
“You ok?” Stede asked, the words coming out thick and clumsy.
 
“Sorry, I woke up and I didn’t know where I was for a second,” Ed whispered. “Go back to sleep.”
 
Stede ignored that. “Where are you?”
 
“My penthouse in New York City pressed into Stede Bonnet’s very hot, very naked body. Go back to sleep.”
 
“You think I’m hot?” Stede’s breath huffed out in a gusty laugh when Ed pinched his side.
 
Ed pulled back to look at Stede in the darkness, his outline only faintly visible. “You’re incredibly sexy.” He skimmed his hands up and down Stede’s side, and chuckled when Stede shivered, the sound like a shot of whiskey. 
 
Something shifted between them and Stede felt tension coiling in Ed’s body. Stede found his mouth and they kissed lazily, their hands and fingers dancing over each other’s shoulders and backs until Ed bit out a soft moan when Stede slid a finger down the cleft of Ed’s ass. “You want me,” Stede said, pressing lightly against Ed’s hole.
 
“Yes,” Ed panted into Stede’s mouth, whimpering when Stede increased the pressure, but not enough to push inside. 
 
“You want to come on my cock,” Stede told him and smiled when Ed nodded desperately, just a blur of motion in the dark. Stede kissed his way down Ed’s body to suck his half hard cock into his mouth, savoring the way it grew against his tongue, filling his mouth more with every bob of his head.
 
It was slower this time, the burning urgency tempered with their drowsiness. Ed’s fingers sifted through Stede’s hair and he writhed with every slow drag of Stede’s lips. Stede was addicted to the velvety skin on his tongue and the way his mouth stretched to make room, but he pulled off to press kisses down the length of Ed’s prick. 
 
He flicked his tongue out to lick the spongy skin of Ed’s balls, sucking them into his mouth to drag a keening whine from Ed’s throat. The hand in Stede’s hair tugged just enough to send heat curling through Stede’s stomach, then harder when Stede pressed his finger into Ed’s perineum and rolled his tongue. When he shifted his attention back to Ed’s cock, a thick drop of precum waited for him on the tip and he lapped it up with a low moan. He took Ed deep again, so deep he could feel it in his throat, and Ed’s body started to tighten.
 
“Fuck,” Ed breathed, and Stede looked up to see the shadow of his head tipped back, neck stretched back. “Not like this, babe,” he gritted out through his teeth, sagging into the bed as soon as Stede pulled off. He caught his breath, then rolled to his side to switch on the lamp on his side table.
 
They both hissed in a sharp breath and Stede blinked hard until the little dots in his vision cleared. Ed was still squinting as he rummaged in a drawer, then he tossed a half full bottle of lube and a condom onto the bed. His expression softened when he looked at Stede, and Stede felt his own face melt as he took in Ed’s sleep rumpled hair, the crease still running up one side of his face from the pillow, and the fuzzy look in his wide brown eyes.
 
“Sorry about the light,” Ed said when Stede didn’t speak, just continued massaging and rubbing Ed’s legs. “I needed to see you.”
 
Stede crawled up to press his mouth to Ed’s and they both took a deep inhale through their noses. He held himself up with one hand while he fumbled for the lube with the other, kissing Ed lazily as if he wasn’t burning to sink deep inside of him.
 
His grasping fingers found the bottle, and it opened with a snap. Then Stede was settling himself between Ed’s legs, pressing kisses to the soft skin of his inner thighs while he lightly circled the tight, ridged entrance with a slick finger. Ed’s eyes were intense, fixed on Stede, and his eyelids grew heavy when Stede pushed his first finger just past the rim. 
 
“Good?”
 
“More–

ah,”

Ed tore his eyes away, but only for a moment when his lips curved and his head tipped back reflexively. Unerringly, his eyes found Stede again, watching him like he couldn’t quite believe what he was seeing. Stede shifted back up to kiss Ed, pulsing his finger deeper, pulling almost all the way out, then hooking his finger and swallowing Ed’s moans when he tapped against his prostate.
 
Ed writhed and moaned and begged, his grip digging hard into Stede’s biceps when he took a second finger. His gaze on Stede was constant, like he needed an anchor to keep him grounded in the here and now. When Stede spoke, told Ed how good he felt, how beautiful he was, Ed whimpered and sighed in pleasure, and tension seemed to leave his body bit by bit until he was pliant and limp under Stede’s touch.
 
Ed watched Stede from under his eyelashes, and he looked so soft and sweet and

familiar.

Stede’s breath caught in his chest. Then Ed rested his palm over Stede’s heart and spread his fingers wide. “I missed you. I need you,” he whispered.
 
Stede pulled his fingers out and opened the condom with trembling fingers, rolling it down his length while Ed watched him. His eyes moved over Stede with hunger, never so ravenous as when he was looking at Stede’s face, into his eyes. Stede groaned when he stroked himself with a palmful of lube, then he was lining himself up and circling Ed’s entrance with the head of his cock.

He pushed just past the rim and Ed bit out a sharp curse, his chest heaving and eyes hot with desire. Stede trembled as he sank deeper, needing both hands pressed into the bed on either side of Ed’s chest to hold himself up. He squeezed his eyes shut against a flood of memories, their first time, their last, the night they had exchanged their first I love you, all of it rolling through Stede’s head and shredding the fragile walls around his heart.
 
“You’re so tight,” Stede ground out, when what he meant was

you feel like home.

With one last pulse, Stede bottomed out and dropped his forehead to Ed’s as he dragged deep, sobbing breaths in. His heart hammered against his ribs and he thought he may start crying if he didn’t drown out the overwhelming emotions crowding in his throat by moving.
 
Ed slid a gentle hand to cup the nape of Stede’s neck, the other to the small of his back, and he whispered, “I’ve missed this.” The way he smiled up at Stede, the affection warming his eyes and softening his features made Stede feel wrecked and unmoored.
 
So he kissed Ed to anchor himself, and he focused on where their bodies were joined, where Ed’s fingers clung to his skin and their tongues and lips moved together. Stede wanted to hurry, to chase away the terrifying feeling that Ed had always had a part of him that he would never get back. Instead, when he finally moved, it was slowly, with purpose.
 
Maybe it was the first time in a future that stretched out with moments that weren’t so heavy. Maybe it was one last chance to say goodbye. It didn’t really matter because they were together again,

finally,

and Stede felt like he was whole.
 
They moved together until both of them were sweating and panting, Stede keeping the pace agonizingly slow. He pulled out once, much to Ed’s dismay, but it was just to slick himself again and then he was sinking deep with one long thrust that made them cry out in near perfect unison.
 
Eventually, Ed grew impatient and he pushed at Stede’s shoulders until he pulled out and flopped onto his back. Stede clung to his thighs while Ed slicked him again and took his cock in short, shallow pulses until he was fully seated. “You look so gorgeous riding me,” Stede choked out, and then he couldn’t speak because Ed was moving, rolling his hips at the bottom of his motion. He braced himself with his hands on Stede’s thighs, his own cock leaking in long, clear drips that pooled on Stede’s stomach. 
 
When he felt himself climbing towards the pinnacle, he swiped his hand through the precum on his belly and grasped Ed’s cock, giving it a firm squeeze before he stroked him. “Come on my cock.”.
 
“God, oh god,” Ed cried out, and then he was coming over Stede’s fist and streaking over his chest. His movements grew jerky, but he didn’t stop, slamming down on Stede harder, faster, even as he trembled. Tears welled in his eyes and Stede didn’t know if it was emotion or the physical intensity, but he looked beautiful either way with his face wrecked with ecstasy. 
 
When Ed smiled and let his eyes flutter shut, “Stede,” soft on his lips like Ed was savoring the syllable on his tongue, Stede let go. He grabbed Ed’s hips, smearing Ed’s spend on his skin as he braced his feet on the bed and surged up one last time. His spine arched and he let out a sharp, guttural moan. Ed rolled his hips just a little, and Stede was sure he heard him laugh at Stede’s weak, mewling whimper.
 
They cried out together when Ed pulled off Stede’s softening cock and then Ed collapsed into a sticky mess on Stede’s chest while they caught their breath. Sleep scratched at the corners of Stede’s mind and he drifted in and out of consciousness until Ed dragged him into the bathroom to clean up. They tumbled back into bed, delirious with exhaustion, skin soft from the shower. Ed smelled different now, like sandalwood and bergamot, and Stede fell asleep with that scent on his skin, an arm banded tightly around his waist, and a smile on his face.
 
The harsh light of the summer morning brought Stede violently back to earth. It took him a few minutes to get his bearings in the unfamiliar room. Ed was lying on his back with an arm tossed carelessly over Stede’s middle, like he just needed to be certain that Stede was still next to him. It was tempting to linger, to kiss Ed awake and watch his face light up when he saw Stede looking down at him.
 
Insead, he got out of bed carefully so he didn’t disturb Ed, and found the borrowed dress shirt discarded on the floor. He paced the length of Ed’s room while he buttoned the shirt, cursing when he realized he’d misaligned the buttons and had to start over. What had he been thinking? He still needed to book a flight to London, he had to get himself moved in, and all he could think about was what exactly this was going to mean with Ed. Did it have to mean anything? Did Stede want it to?
 
He let himself look at Ed, gloriously naked on top of the sheets, his tawny skin and tattoos looking stark and beautiful against the dove gray bedding. His hand rested low on his belly, the other stretched out beside him where he’d had his arm around Stede a few minutes before. He looked so peaceful and welcoming. Stede didn’t know exactly what last night had meant, but looking at Ed in the clear light of day, he knew he wanted it to mean

something.

But then there was the matter of Stede moving across the damn Atlantic, and he started pacing again. He found his phone in his jeans still balled up on the floor where Ed had tossed them, and left the room so he wouldn’t wake Ed up just yet with his jittery energy. There were a few texts from Mary asking if he’d landed safely and Stede felt like an asshole as he retreated into the farthest corner of the kitchen to call her. She was infuriatingly amused when he told her he’d missed his flight and gone home with Ed, but she kept her mouth shut except to ask him if he needed her to book him another flight. 
 
Once he’d figured out Ed’s coffee maker, he poured himself a cup and carried it back into Ed’s room, feeling all of the tension in his body unspool when he saw Ed still snoozing away. The smell of coffee seemed to rouse him, and he inhaled deeply through his nose, then his hand reached out, searching, and he sat up suddenly when he didn’t find anything.
 
In the seconds before he saw Stede, a desolate expression stole over his face, then he sagged with relief when he saw Stede curled up in the cozy armchair facing the bed. “I thought you’d taken off.” His voice was raspy with sleep, sexy and warm, and Stede wanted to crawl back into bed and stay there.
 
Instead, he blurted, “I live in London.” When Ed just nodded and rubbed his eyes, Stede continued. “I have to leave today.”
 
“I understand.” Ed scratched his belly and got up, and Stede had to practically shove his eyes back into his head as he took in all that naked Ed.
 
“Just like that? We have a night like last night and you’re just…” Stede trailed off when Ed plucked the coffee cup out of Stede’s hand and took a sip.
 
“Oh, I think we should have a lot more nights like that,” Ed said.
 
“Long distance hasn’t exactly worked out well for us in the past,” Stede pointed out, unable to help letting his eyes linger on Ed’s slight erection.
 
“Ok so I’ll move to London.”
 
“Wh–what? You can’t just…say that!” Stede sputtered, feeling penned in with Ed standing in front of him.
 
Ed sighed and set the coffee mug down on a nearby chest of drawers before he dropped down to straddle Stede and settle into his lap. “I’m going to be very honest with you, is that ok?” Stede nodded once, and Ed continued to speak as he started unbuttoning Stede’s shirt. “You’re it for me and you always have been.”
 
“We hardly know each other anymore,” Stede protested, even as his heart sang at Ed’s words.
 
Ed’s eyes flicked up to meet Stede’s and he smiled. “We can fix that.”
 
“What if it doesn’t work out? You move to London and it turns out we have nothing in common anymore?” Stede sucked in a gasp when Ed slipped his hand under the material of Stede’s shirt and brushed his thumb against his nipple.
 
“Then we’ll burn out on lots of hot sex.” Ed kissed him and Stede let him, sinking into it as he reached around to fill both of his hands with Ed’s bare ass. Their lips parted on a shared sigh and Ed pressed their foreheads together. “I want to try. If you’re in, I’m in.”
 
Stede swallowed hard. “You sound crazy, you know that?”
 
“Then why are you smiling at me?” Ed asked, his voice little more than a whisper. 
 
Stede didn’t speak for a moment, letting himself look at Ed’s face all lit up with hope. “Is all this because you had a dream about me?” He asked finally.
 
“No.” Ed paused, thinking. “Whatever that was, it wasn’t my life. I can’t turn back the clock and make a different choice, but it feels like we can have a second chance.” He cleared his throat and he seemed to waver. “If you want it.”
 
Stede studied Ed’s face, the curve of his lips, the sharp lines of his jaw, his strong brow. It was a face Stede could trace in his sleep, still so dear to him even after all the years they’d spent apart. So maybe it was crazy, but Stede cupped Ed’s beautiful face between his hands and he smiled. “I want it. I’m in.”