Archive of Our Own

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It had been almost a week since the memory had hit him like a truck, it had been nearly a week of sitting and stewing in those moments he remembered. Questions ate at him, made his brain swarm in hope. Jay needed to know. He needed to know if he ever submitted the personal student film project? Even if he did, would he be able to find it? It must’ve been a senior film like Marble Hornets was supposed to be. What would it be about?  He couldn’t remember much from before Marble Hornets, before this all he already had a bad memory but, whatever the Operator did to him, whatever sickness he got made it tenfold. It was as if his memory had just been wiped clean. He needed to know because that memory had been the first of something more than just studying, or fights with Alex.  He didn’t know if he had finished it, he didn’t know if he would like what he saw. But even if he didn’t it was something he could hold onto, another tie back to what was. In those days of stewing in thoughts and questions he came to the conclusion that he must’ve finished it solely because he couldn't see himself abandoning one project to pick up someone else's. Even if that someone was his best friend at the time.  Jay had waited until they were in the new motel, waited until Tim had left, waited until he was alone. Tim had offered to go get groceries and some take out while he was out buying more cigarettes. After all, they had been planning on staying here for two to three days.  The moment Jay was sure he was alone and that Tim was fully gone. Only then did he pull out his laptop, hunching over in the bed as his fingers flew across the keyboard as he typed up his old college. He began to search through any of the Professor’s names, looking for anything that he could remember, anything that could trigger a memory. He was about to give up any hope until he saw one.  Jay hovered his mouse over the professor’s name, sounding his name out a few times in his mind, before clicking on it. Glad that there was a way to get in contact with him. His fingers raced across the keyboard once again this time trying to formulate a reason to not have his senior project, a white lie, a half lie.  
‘Good evening Professor Andrews, My name is Jay Merrick, I believe I had you back in 2006. I was a film major at your college, I was recently looking for my Senior Film Project. I believe that I turned it in. But, I had an accident a few years ago that made my memory a bit hazy. I was told that looking back on previous things could help me remember. I send this email in hopes that you might have some knowledge on it. If I turned it in? Or where I might be able to find it? Have a good rest of your day. -Sincerely, Jay Merrick’

Jay doubted he would get any sort of reply at least right away, after all. It was Friday night and it was late in the day, the sun had long set. He doubted the man would even see it until the weekend was over. Who really checked their emails that often? He shook his head to rid himself of pointless thoughts, closing the window before going back to editing entries. Going through the previous night's recording hoping he wouldn’t find anything creepy lurking in their motel room. Simultaneously he had totheark’s youtube page up, refreshing it every so often wanting to know if there would be a new entry from them. As creepy and cryptic as they were, it was sort of fun, letting his brain focus on something else. He had already decoded the previous entry they had posted.  Time had seemed to fly by as he looked through the six hours of footage, he always sped it up, he couldn’t fathom sitting for that long just to see what he knew to be true most nights, nothing. And just like most nights, nothing. Which made him feel at total ease, nothing new, no late night intruders. He couldn’t trust having anything covering his ears when alone, after all he was nearly deaf in one ear leaving him with one good one. Jay felt his heart jump into his throat as he heard the door slowly creaked open before the smell of menthol cigarettes and cedar filled the room.  He had been working on the previous entry which had caused his paranoia to sky rocket, so the scent of his partner had him letting out a relieved sigh.“Welcome back Tim, Hope it all went well.” He mumbled before turning his attention back to the footage, the sooner he got through it and edited it the sooner he could relax.  “Hey, just picked up some cheap ass Chinese at the takeout place just down the street. Figured it’s a lot of food for cheap, so we can finish more later if we want leftovers.” Tim mused, a semi-proud look on his face as he moved over to Jay.  Tim placed the takeout boxes on the bed before putting away the small amount of cold groceries into the fridge before coming back to sit next to Jay, making him move over before getting comfortable and opening the boxes.  They had been watching some film Jay could’ve sworn he had seen as a kid but couldn’t place as they ate. His computer dinged causing his eyes to flicker over to it, it was his email. It couldn’t be the Professor could it? Surely not, it was almost midnight. He chose to ignore it for the moment being, filing it away for later. Maybe it would have what he wanted. Tim either didn’t hear it or didn’t think anything of it.

There really wasn’t a reason to hide it from Tim, he supposed he couldn’t be blamed for remembering something from their past, it could be a dead end. Could be the professor didn’t have it, or if it did. Would it bring back old memories? Would there be anything he wouldn’t… or maybe couldn’t tell Tim? He shook his head and decided to wait until the other was asleep. And that took far too long.  After he was sure that Tim was asleep, after an hour and a half of waiting, only then did Jay open up his laptop and the cursor flew across the screen as he opened up his email once again. It was almost too good to be true. There in his inbox was an email from his professor… Well, past professor.  
‘Good evening Mr.Merrick,

How could I not remember your Senior film project? It was and still is truly one of my favourites, I do still have it. I’m sorry to hear about your accident. You can come pick up the physical copy if you’d like but here is the file for now. I hope you can get it working, and I hope that it will restore a memory or two. Thank you for reaching out.

Sincerely, Professor Andrews.’ ‘File attached, Jay Merrick's Senior Project, Life in Death.’

Jay slipped out of his bed, snagging his headphones from the desk near his bed before sneaking past Tim’s jacket fingers expertly slipping into the pocket and snagging the pack of cigarettes and lighter before slipping out of the room. He sat against the wall, only a few steps from the door to their room before opening his laptop and lighting up the cigarette that had already found its way between his lips.  What if? What if it was just some shitty student film? What if it made him cringe? Would he cry? Could he cry at something he made? What… He shook his head, letting his thoughts clear and the cigarette calm his nerves.  Jay downloaded the file before letting out a shaky breath as it opened up in a video player, he waited as he stared at a black screen, it took a little longer than he’d like and he almost thought it wouldn’t work and then it started. /////////////////////////// Nothing. A void of nothing was stretched across the screen waiting for a few seconds. Then something soft started up in the background. Rain, but not soft, hard rain like the kind that makes you wonder if it’s not hailing, and furthermore… Was that? Was that sobbing in the background?

“Sometimes it hits you out of nowhere, Love that is.” “It’s messy and painful, you will bleed and bruise, break your bones and shatter your soul… But, it’s worth it.” 
The text had disappeared as quickly as it had appeared.  The void disappeared and a camera was turned on, fuzzy at first before it focused.  What at first appeared a shadow due to the lighting, soon turned into Jay. Leaning against a wall, swaying back and forth as if a tree in the wind. He looked at the camera with a grin on his face, teeth bared to the world. Battered and Bloody, Jay was covered in cuts and bruises, blood gushing from his nose, a gash in his eyebrow so deep that it left a river of blood, curling down his face. Following all the contours and framing his once pale skin. A split lip was left to match the rest, lip swollen and blue in the corner.  His hair clung to his forehead, stuck to it with blood and water as if that was glue itself. The grin slowly started to fade and he looked… defeated, a soft laugh left him before he fell into a fit of heartbreaking laughter. Throwing his head back against the wall with a thud before a hiccuping sob left his mouth. The audio fell silent and music started up in its place.  
“Nothing will ever be easy.”
“Life is meant to push you to your limits, meant to push you over those, pushing further and further until that limit. Until that line that had been crossed is nothing more than a scratch in the dirt. Life is meant to make you hurt.” “No one ever makes it out alive after all.”   The sound of fire crackling and logs snapping, loud indistinguishable music filled the film. The void was once upon stretched across the screen, until the camera flickered on again.  Looking out of a window, drawn open by the hinges that appeared rusted. Maybe the window was an eye, a way to view the night sky… The sky appeared as if it were an ocean, stars held up brightly, painting the vast void with light blues intermixing with the darkness, a few clouds wisped by, drawn by the wind. A car flew past on an old road flickering the light of the moon that hung high in the sky, igniting the clouds of smoke that drifted past the camera.

The screen faded black, as it did the other times leaving the viewer to look at their own reflection, a split second to stew in their thoughts.  A bonfire, large as can be, the sounds of the wood and sap snapping and crackling, burning as bright as the flames that tore at Icarus when he fell. The same ocean of a night sky was behind the flames. Bright oranges to compete against the deep swirling blues. Flames licking up the night sky.  Though, the serenity didn’t last long, there was the sound of fighting, sound of screaming, all muffled to hide their owners, who held the leash of the curses, the cruel words that bit at their intended victims. The sound of a sharp crack of skin on skin and then a crunch of something breaking…  The screen faded out into a null void, the music dying out, crackling of flames licking at the sky dying out. Leaving Jay alone, but only a split second.  
“But, there are things that make the struggle worth it, make the fight worth it. Things that are but a candle before the end of a lightless tunnel.”
 It was a flicker, nothing more, nothing less. A few snapshots, photos of different places before it flickered to a stop, a tree. It zoomed in before the clip started up.  Sharp laughter mixed with the sound of a forest as a camera was held with shaky hands, chasing someone down the path. Trees whipping past them, blurring into nothing but green and flashes of light. Jostling the viewer into a fits of the unknown, and yet leaving the viewer enough stability to feel the serenity that the forest must’ve brought the two that day. The warmth the sun had carried, had covered those two in that shot. Someone just out of focus and the other behind the camera.  
“Running after those you love is a game, it is a bet on whether or not it will get you what you want.” 
 It quickly flickered to a stream, the sounds of birds singing and the water rushing was almost overbearing. The camera zoomed out after a second.  The clear water was racing down the decline, crawling over rocks and twigs, pulling leaves with it as the water traveled to its unknown destination. The person behind the camera didn’t move, didn’t breathe, instead they zoomed in expertly, following a specific leaf as it traveled into the distance, until it was no more.  The clip flickered into a new one, another one of the snapshots. An empty field, surrounded by trees.  There wasn’t anything that should’ve made it breathtaking, it was just a field in the forest, a clearing. The sky was a bright blue with clouds expertly painted through to make them appear as soft and fluffy as most could only dream of. The camera shifted quickly, zooming in, past the field of tall grass, past the wild flowers that had started to overtake everything. There in the edge of the wood was a deer, staring directly at the camera. It watched and waited before the doe sprung away, fleeing from humanity.  
“You can find beauty in Nature”

“Or You can find it in Man.”

The screen faded black for a split second before everything returned, it had started out fuzzy and out of focus. But that had been changed and it was made obvious by the subject matter that the person behind the camera had other interests.  Jay had been the one laying across a bed, cigarette between his lips as he hummed along to the song on the radio. The camera zoomed in again, taking in all of the details, the twitch of his lip, how his eyes would flicker across the ceiling, crystal blue eyes with the fiery orange embers reflected in them. How his hair was stuck to his forehead from sweat. How there was a soft whirring in the background of a fan.  Jay had finally caught onto the fact he was being filmed, taking the cigarette from his lips and blowing an O towards the camera before shifting his weight, raising an eyebrow as he propped himself up with one arm.  “Am I that interesting? More so than the sun setting outside? Or that plant you take care of? How about that Radio hmm? My Dear Hawk, I cannot be that interesting.” Jay teased, wiggling his eyebrows.  “You are, To me you are.” The voice that had come from behind the camera was soft, close enough that it reverberated through the camera.  Jay, who had been looking smug, had quickly faltered. Embarrassed by the words said to him, cheeks flushed as he turned his head and coughed. He shifted to sit up, using the no longer used hand over his face, as if willing the blush to be erased with one wipe of his hand.  “Shut up.” Jay had whined out, voice cracking slightly.  “Did I get the film director all shy? Come on Blue Jay? What happened to beauty is in the eye of the beholder? All those shots of me weren’t that interesting hmm?” The voice teased before the camera was set down, zooming in on Jay again.  The person behind the camera walked towards Jay in the bed, and just as the camera was starting to focus on the person it was cut into nothing once again.  The sound of Laughter and rain grew louder, and louder, rain pitter pattering against metal, against pavement, against skin. Sounding all too similar to a heartbeat, thud, thud, thud.   The clip that followed was all too familiar to Jay, it started to jog his memory.  It was something you would’ve only believed came from those cheesy rom-coms.  Tim was there, Jay was there. Both of them were soaked to the bone, but they couldn’t have seemed any happier. The rain itself was pounding against the windows of nearby cars, and yet it seemed to have given the pair a less sharp hit, it seemed to flow around them as they danced. Laughter spilled from their lips, which was soon all encompassed by their loud off key singing to something Jay recognized as Cheesy 80’s music. Nothing was in rhythm, they weren’t moving to the beat of the music, the rain didn’t follow anything, and yet. It worked.  They demanded attention as they danced around another, holding each other's hands as they laughed and sang, throwing their heads back in joy, baring their necks to the gods. They appeared as though they would be in a painting, it was peaceful even through a storm.  With a flash of Lightning that spread across the sky, and the clash of thunder the clip ended and a new one started.  There was Tim leaning against the wall with a grin on his face as he read the lines off the paper in front of him, willing them into the world, moving his hands around as he let out a soft chuckle. Jay joined in, walking towards Tim with a smile on his own face as he stood up straight and proud, head tilted in a fit of shyness. They got close, a few feet between them before Jay reached over and snatched the cigarette that had been left between Tim’s parted lips.  “You little!! Give that back!” Tim shouted as he reached for it, before Jay put it between his lips, inhaling and blowing the smoke in Tim’s direction.  “What are the magic words My Dear Hawk?” Jay questioned taking another hit of the cigarette, keeping it above Tim’s head.  Right as Tim was about to answer, the clip was cut short.  Another clip of Tim and Jay, working on the soundtrack of what could only be for this film. Tim was playing the guitar humming along, Jay joined in singing along. Painting the room with their voices, painting that moment in their own world with the joy of music, with each pluck of a string a new stroke was painted. Tim’s fingers moving expertly as if it was second nature, as if he had been born to do so.  The clip went black the moment Tim started to sing along, as if that voice was a secret meant for Jay and Jay alone. As if Jay was worried for the safety of others, as if Tim were a siren among the ocean of sky.  A shaky camera was placed on a windowsill, one that had been blatantly in Tim’s old apartment, small burns from past cigarettes were focussed on while the rest was fuzzy. A few more clicks of the camera as it was zoomed in to focus on no other than Tim. A cigarette placed between his fingers, between his lips as he inhaled. The embers lighting up, burning through the paper before the nicotine filled smoke curled out of his nose, out from between his lips.  Faintly over the sound of the pitter patter of rain, over the sound of soft music in the background was a voice, a voice he knew all too well.  “Jay what’re you even doing?” Tim questioned, moving his head slightly, lips moving along with each syllable.  “Just shut up and keep smoking Romantics” Jay quipped back, voice barely able to be heard over the music, over the rain.  “Whatever Jaybird, gonna come over here and join me?” Tim teased, turning to look back out the window, taking another inhale of the cigarette, more smoke curling out from between his lips, filling the air above them.  The clip ended, or maybe it had cut out for a split second. The sounds of laughter grew louder until the rain couldn’t be heard, a raspy chuckle that had turned into a cackle, and a soft tittering, anxious laugh that had turned into a loud and carefree one.  
“Life is meant to be messy, but Death? Death is messier than life will ever be.”

“You cannot have Life without Death, Love without Pain does not exist.”

A strong hand holding onto Jay’s cheek, grasping onto his jaw as they kissed. Jay hand holding onto the other mans.. Muscles flexed as they kissed with such a fervour that both men seemed to share. Clinging to each other in the fear that one might wake up from a dream.  It would’ve been beautiful, it was beautiful… But the clip changed, so quick it should’ve caused whiplash. A clip that had changed to one of screaming, of shouting and then… and then… Jay was on screen again, alone this time, punching a wall, throwing his hand into the mix of dry wall and what might’ve been underneath. Until his hand was bleeding, until it was raw. Painting the once pale wall with a bright crimson. Jay turned around screaming into the nothingness. Picking up a pipe nearby the camera, Jay swung the pipe a few times, rotating it in his hand as if it were a bat and he was ready to hit a home run. Instead of a ball he swung the metal into the screen of the TV that had been sitting just out of sight.  The screen shattered, glass scattering across the floor, blood dripping from his hand down the pipe and onto the floor, onto the TV. The TV which should’ve been the only victim of Jay’s unrelenting anger, of his anguish, laid broken into nothing more than a pile of rubble. But that wasn’t enough, Jay started to swing the pipe at anything he could, any little thing. Destroying the room of what could’ve only been an abandoned building. Jay let out another heart wrenching scream before he fell to his knees, dropping the pipe and sobbing.  Jay let his heart be seen to those who would watch this film, screaming into the unknown, screaming into the rubble below him, tears and blood soaking into the dust, into the dirt. Screaming until his voice was raw and all he could do was cough and heave.

/////////////////////////// Jay paused the film, dropping the cigarette butt onto the pavement before slapping a hand over his mouth, choking on a silent sob as he tried to silence himself. He closed out of the tab, shutting it down before curling in on himself silently crying. He couldn’t watch anymore, not tonight, bits and pieces of the memories from the past were encompassing his entire being and he felt like he was drowning in them. He pulled everything to his chest, letting his headphones rest around his neck as he slipped back into the motel room, looking around as he tried to move to his side of the room as silently as possible. Jay placed the cigarettes and lighter on the table, a frown still drawn on his face as he let out a shaky whimper. He had placed the laptop next to them and was in the process of placing the headphones on top when he heard the bed behind him shift.  Jay knew Tim had sat up, could hear the way the raspy breath was no longer shallow and soft, he looked over his shoulder only to see Tim patting the spot next to him on the bed.  “Mnmn Jay? Why…” Tim was cut off by a yawn, stretching his back slightly before continuing. “Why’d you go out  this time? I uh… woke up after you left, don’t say smoke break…You’ve been gone, twenty minutes.” Tim questioned, no malice in his tone, only that of soft care. Only that of worry for another beating heart.  “ ‘s nothing Tim, just.. Go back to bed, just… needed some air.” Jay whispered, walking past Tim’s bed.  He pulled himself under the covers of his bed, hoping to god he could just have some sort of sleep, something that wouldn’t leave him terrified, something that wouldn’t leave him exhausted. Jay had been too deep in thought about the what ifs to hear Tim get out of his bed, didn’t notice it until the bed shifted, squeaking under the second weight.  “Jaybird, what’s going on? If it’s something about those stupid entries, if it's anything to do with this.. Just, let me deal with it okay? You don’t have to hold it all in.” Tim whispered, moving to lay next to Jay, resting his hand on his cheek.  Jay felt his bottom lip wobble as he looked over Tim’s face, tears starting to bubble up and roll down. He leaned into Tim’s touch before shaking his head slowly. He shifted a bit closer wanting to feel the warmth that Tim gave off, instead of the cold that bit him while he was outside.  “No.. it’s uh.. Past stuff.. Stuff that I’m remembering again… I can’t tell you them.. Not now, maybe… maybe after this is all over.” Jay whispered, glancing up to Tim through wet lashes.  Jay had been surprised to see Tim look a bit hurt but he quickly wiped that look away, instead replacing it with one of understanding, one of comfort and one that… couldn’t have been right, it must’ve been his past blinding him. Because, he could’ve sworn it was one pure adoration, one that you would have to love someone for.  “That’s alright, just… Let me hold your hand when you deal with it.. Okay? If I cannot shoulder the burden that these memories are, let me be there for you. I know I don’t look like I’m a good listener, but Jay Merrick, I promise I can be the best out there.” Tim promised, holding his arm out for Jay to come closer.  And who was Jay to say no to an open invitation to be close to the person he found the most comfort in? The person who he…. He loved but could never say. Even if there was a chance they had been together in the past. That was then and this was now. Jay shuffled across the bed and into Tim’s arms, pushing his face into his chest letting out a shaky sigh.  “Thank you Tim, I promise I’ll tell you when this is over, When we can wake up in our own house and not some shitty motel..” Jay whispered, emotions and sleep riddling his mind unclear, not realizing he had said our instead of his.  “Goodnight Blue Jay.” Tim whispered, pulling the blankets over them and letting out a happy hum.  “Goodnight Hawk.” Jay replied, mind still clouded by the past, unaware of how Tim’s eyes shot open and how he had looked down at Jay.

----- CHAPTER BREAK -----

If there was ever a time where Jay had been worried about getting bored during long car rides it should’ve been now. They were on the road frequently and the rides often consisted of multiple hours. Tim and him traveled from one motel or hotel to the next, finding something within their budget often meant driving for longer or sleeping in the car. And Yet, Jay couldn’t say he was ever bored. He hadn’t found himself bored once since he and Tim started to take turns while driving.  Somehow, by some god given grace he had been paired with the best travel buddy. Tim was great at keeping time and boredom from catching them. Even if they were stuck looking at the same stupid scenery. Pine trees on Pine trees on Pine trees, fields and fields of empty crops. It might have been boring, scratch that it would have been boring. It would have been deathly exhausting if it wasn’t for him.   Tim had a book of CD’s, stuff he had burned back in college. Bands that Jay wouldn’t have listened to otherwise, some he had and some felt all too familiar. The Romantics had been the most frequent though. Every CD that Tim owned had numbers on them, more specifically his Romantics CD’s. They had listened to all of them, well.. All but number 2, Which had been missing. When Jay had first mentioned that Tim was missing one he had caught how Tim looked at the case. He had brushed it off as amnesia over the years or maybe when he got into that one crash, that must’ve taken it. Between Tim and him they had found plenty of ways to pass the time, great ways. Ways that had Jay hunched over himself wheeze-laughing, the occasional snort leaving him as tears rolled down his cheeks. God how he couldn’t wait for this all to be over. He wanted to witness Tim like this under better lighting. Maybe not in a car that had cigarette smoke stains, or when Jay had accidentally tipped over their shared drink. Which… had been blue and god did that stain.  Maybe one day Jay could see him laughing that hard in a living room, or at a park, hell he’d take anywhere that wasn’t this car.   Even if he wanted to see Tim laugh like that outside of a car that didn’t mean he didn’t try his damndest now. No. Jay tried his absolute best to make him laugh on their rides. He wanted to see Tim smile, wanted to see more than just his lip twitching. Jay wanted to see him crying in laughter, wanted to see him throw his head back in a fit of laughter. It… whenever he did see that, it made him feel… Whole. Made him feel real.  — Today was his day to drive, he had decided that, even at Tim’s protests. Jay was used to driving in the mornings, but Tim needed the rest. He needed to not stare at the road, needed to just relax. Jay of all people knew how taxing that could be and well… He had seen how tired Tim had been looking the past few nights. They had run out of CD’s and the radio didn’t have shit for stations out here. Currently they had only been able to find country stations. Jay had been focused on the sky ahead of them while Tim was leaning his head back, tapping his hand along to the beat subconsciously.  That was another thing Jay had picked up while being around Tim for these past few months. He had seen the similarities between them. While they both had very different interests they both knew as much as possible about their own respective one. Sure, Jay knew most of the movies from his highschool to his college days like the back of his hand. Knew everything that there was to know.  But Tim, Tim was extraordinary in his opinion. Tim had a plethora of knowledge on music, enough to fill a library. Jay could’ve been fooled into thinking he was part of The Library of Alexandria. His favorite songs? His favorite genres? He could go on for hours upon hours. Hell he could go on like that for songs he hated. He could tell you just about anything; How they got certain sounds for songs, What the inspiration was behind it, The meaning behind it, Why they created it, What Genre, Where they were located, Beats per bar. Hell he knew Tim could play most of them on his guitar. Or at least he had to assume so, if those memories that trickled in had any say.  — Jay had been drumming his fingers against the steering wheel before he perked up, a smirk tugging on to his lips as the next song started up. He knew this one. Jay reached over quickly, turning the volume up a few notches. Out of the corner of his eye he could see Tim shift in his own seat, a soft laugh escaped from his lips as he nodded his head to the beat. He had to wait for it to get to the best part.  “I DUG MY KEY INTO THE SIDE OF HIS PRETTY LIL SOUPED-UP FOUR-WHEEL DRIVEE!!! Carved my name into his leather seattssss!” Jay sang along cheeks red as he held onto the steering wheel with one hand. His free hand was moving around, he glanced over to Tim who was also nodding along.  “I took a Louisville slugger to both headlights!!! Slash a hole in allll four tiress! Maybe next time, he’ll think before he cheats~” Tim sang back, biting back a laugh as he reached over, taking Jay’s hand and squeezing it to the beat.  Jay looked over to Tim with a smile on his face, he continued to nod his head along.  “I DUG MY KEY INTO THE SIDE OF HIS PRETTY LITTLE SOUPED-UPPP FOUR-WHEELL DRIVEEE!!!” The two of them sang out, Tim reached over to turn the music up louder, barely able to hear each other.  “CARVED MY NAME INTO HIS LEATHER SEEEATSS!!!!” Tim sang louder, voice a bit deeper than Jay’s. “TOOK A LOUISVILLE SLUGGER TO BOTH HEADLIGHTS!!!! SLASHED A HOLE IN ALL FOUR TIRESS!!” Jay sang louder than Tim, voice just a tad bit higher than Tim’s. Both raspy from their previous scream-singing concerts, from the cigarettes they shared. “Maybe next time he’ll think before he cheeatttss.~” Tim finished off before turning the volume down again, soon falling into a fit of laughter still holding Jay’s hand.

Jay couldn’t help the smile that was etched onto his face, he couldn’t stop it. He squeezed Tim’s hand, letting it rest in his. He wanted to let Tim decide if they should hold hands or not, if he wanted to or not. A part of him longed for it, but he understood if Tim didn’t want to. Jay valued Tim’s wants and needs over his own. Jay could feel when Tim started to re-situate himself, pulling out his cigarette pack, one left. Not that he had been counting… He had to keep his eyes on the road ahead of him, lest he get distracted by how Tim held the cigarette so carefully, how he knew Tim’s lips looked when he sucked in a breath. How his throat bobbed slightly at each hit.  Jay bit back a frown when Tim let go of his hand, he had figured it would happen. He could hear the lighter flick a few times as he lit the cigarette. However, he hadn't been expecting the hand that left his to hold his jaw, turning his head slightly. Tim pulled his lips opening, placing the cigarette between them. Jay’s body had already gone into auto pilot, sucking in the smoke before pulling away and looking back towards the road. He bit his bottom lip as he held the smoke in as long as he could, soon letting it come out through his nose. His heart was hammering against his ribcage, not from holding in the smoke, that would’ve been better. No, it was racing from how Tim held his face, how he had pulled his lips open.  “Jesus Blue Jay! Hold your breath can ya?” Tim teased as he placed his last cigarette between his lips again. The cigarette that had been between Jay’s. They had said they wouldn’t get a new pack for two days. Jay didn’t believe it when Tim said he could, didn’t think he could last. “Mmnmm, I was just savoring it Mr. Hawk, not all of us need to smoke four cigarettes in three hours.” Jay hummed out, glancing over to Tim for a brief moment before staring back at the road. He tapped his fingers against the wheel hoping it would help ease his nerves.  “Four in… You have been counting!!! You sly bird! Mnm fine, I was gonna offer you another hit or two… But, for being a smartass you don’t get anymore.” Tim teased jokingly, blowing smoke out of the window.  “Oh shut up, You act as if I don’t just have to bat my eyes and say. Pleaseee Hawk.” Jay teased back. He looked back to Tim for a brief second, batting his eyes to accentuate his point. Jay watched as Tim’s cheeks flushed slightly, how his eyebrows furrowed. “Sooo easy to read Tim, but no. You smoke it. I don’t need it, really.” He hummed, turning his attention back to the road. Keeping an eye out for a sign that was supposed to point to the next motel.  “I hate you. You know that Jaybird?” Tim scoffed, rolling his eyes before taking Jay’s hand back. Which caused his heart to stutter. Tim still wanted to hold his hand?“Mhm sure you do, Hawk,” Jay replied, moving his thumb over Tim’s hand.  ==== Jay was the first in the lobby while Tim stretched out. He worried his lip between his teeth, eyes scanning the lobby as he waited. He listened to the prices from the receptionist and gods he felt his stomach sink at what the doubles were. Christ, he had hoped this place would be cheaper than the last. Jay tensed up when he felt Tim’s hand on his shoulder, pushing him out of the way before asking for a single room… Which led them to now.  Jay was bringing the bags into the motel room, he glanced over to Tim who was standing in the doorway watching him. He tossed the keys over to him, glad when he caught them. They planned to stay here for a few days, meaning they needed groceries. Something for a few nights at least, and well. As much as Jay wanted to say he was good at being price conscious, Tim was better, he’d find the same food and somehow get 10 dollars reduced from the equation. Tim was better with money, he was always better than Jay was.  “I’ll set up, do the whole check up and check out. Make sure there aren’t any cameras that aren’t ours. No bad… suspicious stains, no bed bugs or anything that’ll hurt us.” Jay rambled on, looking down at his hands as he counted out the steps, he could hear how Tim sucked in a breath about to say something.  “And Yes, I will see if the windows open so you don’t have to leave the room.. Even if you aren’t smoking for another two days.” Jay smirked as he looked over his shoulder, he wanted to see if Tim would hold up and not buy a pack.  Tim was looking at the windows behind Jay before glancing back over to him. Oh how easily Jay could read him, or at least he thought he could.  “Thank you Jaybird, I’ll see you in a bit. Promise I’ll be quick, just three days here right?” Tim questioned as he opened the door, leaning halfway in, halfway out. He had his eyebrow raised and head tilted.  “Yeah, See you in a bit. Remember our deal!!!” Jay shouted as Tim left the room, door shutting behind him before the lock clicked into place.  Jay nodded to himself before starting his check up and check out routine. He had been doing this long before Tim entered the equation but now it was more important. Jay wasn’t just protecting himself but Tim as well. He checked the bed thoroughly, no bugs that he could find. He checked out each and every corner, anything he had known cameras tended to sit. Nothing. There weren’t any suspicious stains, nothing too bad, about what you’d suspect in a cheap motel. Jay saved the most important for last. The window, would it open? He walked over, pulling the curtain to the side before looking around it, nodding. It was one that could open, a sliding one with a screened frame. It would do, and more importantly Tim would be happy. Though he supposed that would be another five steps for his nightly routine, maybe he could find something to put on the other side of the window, to keep it from opening from the outside.  ==== Tim always fell asleep first, well… When he was in the same space as him. Jay had realized that over these months, if Tim was in a different bed, if he was in a different room Jay had noticed he’d fall asleep seemingly after him. Jay had gone to bed in those earlier days before Tim and that was in the early ams. But… But if they were in the same bed, Tim passed out almost immediately. He’d have his back towards Jay at first and then would flip over and face him. He really did look so peaceful like that. Tim only really looked this peaceful, this at ease when he was asleep.  They had been in the motel for two nights now, and Jay needed to watch the next part of his Student film. Little flashes of memories brought on by the film kept coming back. He had woken Tim up from a nightmare from the previous night. He… he had one of Tim spewing some hateful stuff, and it felt so real, he had… He had a nightmare about Tim telling him it was all his fault and without his meddling he would’ve been normal again. When he had come to, when he could really see the present he noticed how concerned Tim looked. He had comforted Jay for hours after.  So… So, Jay needed to see the film again. He could leave the room, probably should leave the room. But he didn’t dare. Instead he stayed on the bed next to Tim, where he could feel Tim’s heat radiating off of him. Where he could feel the rattling wheeze with each breath. It was safe, he felt safe. Jay tugged his headphones on, making sure to not have it too loud, lest he wake the other.  Jay started the film up again, keeping the screen tilted away from Tim’s view if he were to wake up. Jay needed to know what happened next, he couldn’t think of what might be on it, or if that nightmare was based on some form of reality.  /////////////////////////// 
“Life is not a quiz that you can study for. No amount of preparation, no amount of notes can help.” 
 The screen lit up and soon a new clip was shown.  There had been a single light on, the rest of the room filled with inky darkness. Maybe if the lighting had been different it would have changed the atmosphere of the scene before him.  The desk was cluttered. Papers, notebooks, pencils and pens, hell sticky notes covered the wall behind it. Jay had been sitting there, hunched over. He was muttering soft words, flipping through the papers and notebooks, checking sticky notes. He started to write new notes, started to use markers to change things.  The camera had to be sitting on a bookshelf to get the angle it had. A clear view of all of it, everything on the desk. What was just beyond Jay, even if it was unfocused. The clutter of the desk was only amplified by the light, or lack of proper lighting. It was chaos and yet it seemed that Jay knew where everything was. There was one thing that stuck out like a sore thumb on the desk, a single picture frame.  One picture sat propped up in the far corner. Jay with the one and only Tim Wright, it was hard to make out the details, hard to make it out in its entirety. But, they looked so happy, both in Halloween costumes, a Skeleton and a Werewolf. They appeared so truly happy, arms wrapped around each other, both laughing.  The lighting should have been sickly, the lamp had a yellow hue, not bright or even. It was off putting and dull. Maybe if it wasn’t Jay, maybe if it had been someone else they would’ve looked ill. But Jay? The lamp casted a divine light onto him, a sickly divine light. His face was half lit up. The tones of his skin, his blue eyes flickering across the papers, lips moving as he whispered. He could’ve been mistaken for a god, could’ve been mistaken for reading something of high importance, not just studying.  The lighting should’ve made him look ill, should have made him look sickly, but instead. Jay looked like he belonged in some Greek myth. His hair had grown out slightly, curling at the ends, ashy brown only turned golden under the light.

The clip cut to black, the all too familiar text popping up.

“Sometimes the best things in life are mundane, things you don’t talk about.”

The view was shaky for a moment before it was held steady, it peaked around the corner of what could have only been a hallway. Someone was doing the dishes, it should’ve been the most mundane event ever… But, There was something about it. Something that made it feel so full of life and love.   The kitchen was small and narrow, an IPod plugged in and playing music as water rushed over the man’s hands, dishes being scrubbed clean. The man was wearing a pair of sweatpants, loose and almost falling off of his hips. Lightning marks crawled up bare skin, disappearing underneath the tank top that was on. It was obvious who it was. It was no mystery. There were only so many men that looked like that. Only so many people that would’ve been allowed in his apartment.  The camera was set down being angled to have a perfect view of the scene in front of it. Jay came from behind the camera. He was wearing a pair of pajama pants and an all too familiar, an all too infamous flannel, left unbuttoned as he walked across the title with a soft pitter patter. Soon enough there was the familiar click, click, click as it zoomed in and focused.  All the sooner Jay had reached the other, slowly wrapping his arms around Tim’s waist. He pressed a soft, chaste kiss to his shoulder as he stood behind him. He whispered something just out of reach of the camera, left to be unheard by the viewer, a secret to never be shared. The music changed and the two of them started to rock back and forth in a half assed dance, an event that wasn’t talked about enough. Tim reached behind him, slowly pulling Jay into a kiss.

The clip ended as a loud beep came from the coffee maker, signifying its completion.

“Just as the most important things in life can be mundane. The most beautiful of things can be as well.”

The camera zoomed in on a plant. Leaves curled as it wrapped down the side of the window. It had found where the sun shone the best and made its residence there. The plant had its own wear and tear, scarring from god knows what. Though, even despite that it continued to grow. Proving itself capable or maybe, maybe that was Tim being good at keeping it alive. Good at nursing things back to health. The camera flicked up as a loud crash of thunder hit, and lightning flashed across the sky.  The window was a familiar sight, the eye in one of the first clips but now long after. After all there had been no plant in the first, and now this one had been long alive. Long grown and pruned, taken care of. Maybe better than the owner took care of himself.  The rain was following the street below, creating its own river. It flooded the ditch as it made loud clashing sounds against the roof and window. The stars were not out tonight, the sky was muddy, filled with the dark swarming clouds and the occasional flash of lightning.

With one final clash of thunder the clip ended, before a new one started.

A steady hand held the camera, panning around the room. Easily recognizable as Brian’s living room. Brian was laying across most of the couch, legs stretched out, he left Alex to be squished on one side. Sarah was curled up on the arm chair, legs brought under herself as she glared at Alex. Not out of malice though, out of playful anger. Seth could be heard outside calling for his dog, and then there was Tim. Tim was watching the scene along with the camera like a hawk .  They were all talking about the next scenes, how they’d film them. Sarah was protesting against having to wear a sweater that Alex had thought would fit her character.  “It doesn’t matter if my character would wear it! Alex, It’s too damn hot out there and it’s ugly as hell, ain’t no way.” Sarah mused, nose wrinkling up.  Alex reacted to that, starting to sit up eyebrows furrowed. But, before he could protest Brian nudged him with his foot shooting him a quick look that had almost… almost escaped the eye of the camera. The all seeing eye.  Alex had shut his mouth as he turned to look away from Sarah, rolling his eyes.  “Yeah. yeah.. Whatever, I guess you’re right.” He mumbled, shrugging his shoulders.  “Awww look! You can be nice Al! Look at our lovely director finally listening to some advice.” Brian teased, sticking his tongue out when Alex flipped him off.  The camera panned around the room once again as Seth’s dog came running in. It stopped for a moment on Tim who winked at the man behind it.

The screen came to life again, held low by someone’s waist so as to remain hidden. It was clear why. They had been in the middle of filming for Marble Hornets. Brian was moving around their ‘stage’ as if it belonged to him. As if it was his, and his alone. As if he was meant to be praised. The camera shifted slightly as Tim entered the room, and soon enough the two of them demanded attention. They were fluid when they were together. The acting worked, and it felt the most natural out of any scene they weren’t together. The script wasn’t needed, not when it was Tim and Brian.  Alex might’ve been a stubborn idiot most of the time, but… He did have some amazing decisions within his film. Two people who had been friends for years. Having two people who knew each other like the back of their hand play as each other’s friends in the film. It worked perfectly, it transferred wonderfully. From how the joking remarks sounded, to how they would roll their eyes or take a jab at one another. It made the film feel real, made it feel whole. The two were fluid as the river as they acted, the scenes between the two were never stiff, never uncomfortable.  The camera shifted over to Alex who was watching, eyebrows furrowed as he pushed up his glasses. He was wearing that stupid blue and navy hoodie. His thumb found its way between his teeth, chewing at the nail as he nodded along.  “Cut! Good job you two, let’s take five.” Alex cleared his throat before waving the two off to do whatever they pleased.  Tim and Brian would have made amazing actors. Sure, they had their off times, they messed up but with practice, if they ever had the chance to take classes they would’ve been better. The two of them really did have faces meant for the screen. They complimented each other, dark and broody and bright and sweet. A black cat and its golden retriever.

The clip was quickly cut short by someone calling for Jay.

The camera was placed on a side table, everything was unfocused and hazy, soon enough the click, click, click sounded as it focused and zoomed in just slightly. The room was dark with a glow from a tv. Alex was laying across the sectional, eyes focused on the screen in front of him, though occasionally they’d glance over to Brian. Brian was laying next to him, taking up the rest of the couch, stretched out and in his lazing around clothes. Then there was Tim. Tim who had obviously just come back from a smoke break. He tugged his jacket off before tossing it to the floor.  Tim moved over to the armchair that Sarah had been in the previous clip. He had his attention turned towards the Tv. However, It was clear that he wasn’t really focusing on it, he kept glancing over in the direction of the camera. More importantly behind it. Jay came from behind the camera, glancing around before shrugging. He sat on the floor next to Tim’s legs, resting his back against it.  The Camera, the all seeing eye, had picked up the shared glance between Alex and Brian as they looked over to Jay and Tim. Jay must’ve been oblivious as he leaned his head to the side, resting his jaw on Tim’s knee. Tim… Tim, who usually was against people touching him, had his fingers combing through Jay’s hair, gently playing with it. Jay only relaxed further as Tim did his magic.  The movie that was playing was barely out of focus, barely in frame. Through the fuzz, through the haze it was obvious as to what the movie was. It must’ve been some celebration, or maybe it was just his turn. But it was one of Jay’s favorite films at the time. A Clockwork Orange.

The screen went black for a moment longer, text appearing again.

“There will be fights, but you can right some wrongs.”
 This time the camera had obviously been set up to record something else, unknown to anyone or anything. It was meant for something, but what that something was had been lost to time. Now, the only thing in the frame was a hand shaking and Jay. Jay who was pacing in frame and the hand that was just in frame. Pointing in his direction. “You can’t just let him treat you like shit Jay!” Tim shouted, just out of view from the camera, from the all seeing eye.  “He… He doesn’t treat me like shit, He’s my friend… and. And he’s going through a lot right now!” Jay tried to reason, fumbling through his words as though he was unsure of them himself. His voice ended more snappy than it had started, hand moving out of the frame. Tim scoffed, honest to god scoffed. He let out an angry laugh and his arm and hand shifted into frame for just a millisecond.  “He does! Alex is treating you like shit!! You don’t have to take it!” Tim tried to reason, voice still tight and full of anger. “If... Fine! Fine. He’s treating everyone like shit then! I won’t get any special treatment cause I’m his friend! You know how he’s reacted everytime someone’s tried to call him out on it.” Jay’s voice was shaking, thick with uncertainty. But as all things, fear was so easily covered up with anger.  Jay moved so he was just barely in frame. His right arm and leg were in frame, where his shorts and shirt ended yellow light from the dining room covered his skin. He took another step forward towards Tim. “You’re such a fuckin pansy sometimes! So what if he bitches at you? He can’t do the film without all of us!” Tim snapped out, his hand came back into view as he took a few steps forward almost in view now. It was Jay’s turn to scoff, his fist balled up and his knuckles turned white. His shoulders raised as his right hand disappeared to just beyond the frame, leaving the view alone with half of him and half of Tim. “He can do it without me. Sorrrryyy I don’t want to get my ass beat.” Jay turned away from the camera not even taking it into account, ignoring it as he started to pace again.  “I wouldn’t…” Tim trailed off for a moment, breath hitching before he took another step forward. “I wouldn’t let him.” Tim was trying to reassure him, that was obvious. But it was clearly not working as intended.  “Oh yeah? What? You and those strong hands are gonna rock Alex Kralie’s shit? Is that it? You know it isn’t that easy.” Jay shouted, whipping around to glare at Tim, a frustrated groan leaving his mouth as he reached up to pinch the bridge of his nose.  “I ain’t sayin it’ll be easy Jay, I’m just saying I got your back.” Tim lowered his voice, hand dropping out of frame as he took another step forward. Tim was still trying to get through to Jay. “Sounds exactly like what you’re saying.” Jay replied, annoyance clear in his voice, his nose scrunched up as he watched Tim.  “Y’know what, Whatever, I’m going out for a smoke.” The sound of Tim’s footsteps grew distant as he walked towards where the front door was. Further, and further from the camera. Further and further from Jay. “Oh! Of fucking course! You can’t go one hour without one… or sorry, without two or three.” Jay sneered, taking a few steps towards the kitchen, popping out of frame.  “Oh! So you hate it now? Not... Not last night when you were begging for me to shotgun it?” Tim’s voice was dripping with sarcasm as he snapped back.  “I can’t stand you sometimes.” Jay muttered, frustration clear in his voice.  “Yeah, Feeling’s fuckin mutual.” Tim snapped back, door slamming behind him as he left the house.  A few moments passed before the camera cut. Then it turned back on at the sound of the front door opening. A shaky sigh left what could’ve only been Jay, and a soft cough escaped from what could’ve only been Tim.  “I’m sorry, I know that it’s a difficult topic Jaybird, Love you… You know that right?” Tim whispered, voice soft as he took a step towards Jay who was just out of frame.  “It’s not just on you Hawk. I know... I know you want to help me through this. You’re so, so selfless all the time, so patient, and, and gods you always just try to help. I shouldn’t have taken my anger out on you, shouldn’t have let that fear hurt you…” Jay let out a shaky laugh before taking a few steps forward, fully leaving the frame.  “And Yes, Yes I do. I love you too my dear Hawk. I love you so, so much.” Jay hummed, voice full of pure adoration. The sounds of footsteps meeting and fabric rustling and then a soft kiss and laughter filled the rest of the clip.

“Everyone has someone. Everyone finds their people, Their flock.”

The clip turned again.  Alex had his head thrown back as he laughed as loud as he could. He would take gasps of air between them. He had a bottle of beer cradled between his hands as if it were the most fragile thing in the world. Brian was laughing as well, cracking jokes to egg Alex on. Tim was kneeling in front of the fire pit, rolling his eyes at the jokes. He was working on getting it to start up, fingers expertly flicking his lighter and holding it to the tinder. As soon as the fire started to grow in size both Brian and Alex cheered out. A soft clap and whoop came from behind the camera. It had to be set up on a log or maybe the ground for the angle it had.  Jay came from behind the camera as he so often did. He carried two beers in one hand as he used his other to expertly slip his hand into Tim’s back pocket, snagging his IPod before turning it on. He had a smirk on his face as he turned the volume up. Soon enough the music was drowning out their conversations and everything. Everything but the soft songs the birds in nearby tries sung.

All too soon the clip was cut as the song reached the first chorus.

The camera panned around the room, it was Jay’s living room. There was music playing and Alex was setting up a few things still. Putting the plating out and shifting where a few presents were as he hummed along to the music. Walking back and forth, back and forth.  Brian had obviously been the one behind the camera, it wasn’t held steady and he kept moving it around, not letting it stay on one thing for too long. A loud cackle left him as he threw his head back, camera jolting from his quick movements. Tim was just out of sight and there was a loud laugh that came from him.  “Jayyy~ Come out here Birthday boy!!!” Tim called out, eliciting a loud laugh from the other room, and then a soft huff was heard.  “No! I look so stupid and y’all know that! I don’t need my birthday celebrated anyways!” Jay called out, no malice in his voice, only that of what might’ve been embarrassment.  The camera cut and soon enough it reappeared. Alex, Jay and Tim were sitting around the table, all but Brian who was holding the cake and camera. All of them were singing Happy Birthday and laughing at how red Jay’s face was. He had been wearing a silly little hat that must’ve been forced upon him by one of the others.  It cut again and soon the four of them were sitting down, whether that be on the couch and chair or the floor they were all talking, though the sound was cut. Jay had his Polaroid Camera sitting to the side, and there was a picture sitting on the coffee table that was just within view. The presents had been opened, One was a signed copy of Fargo, another was a burned CD that had been labeled to open when alone and the third was a new hoodie. Greenish-Brown.

The clip changed to a familiar scene, an all to familiar one.

Jay had fallen asleep at his desk, head resting against his arms. There was an editing software still pulled up on the laptop that Jay was still using all these years later. All lights except for that one sickly yellow desk lamp were turned off. Coating Jay’s face with yellow and blue. Soft mumbles and snores left his mouth as he drooled slightly.  Music was softly playing from the CD player next to his computer. A soft laugh left the person behind the camera, which reverberated through it. They set the camera down before moving into frame, immediately being recognized as Tim. Even if he wasn’t wearing his infamous flannel. Even if he was in a pair of shorts and an undershirt that hugged his curves.   He leaned over Jay, stopping the music and saving the progress he had made before turning the light off. Tim slipped his hands under Jay’s arms. Slowly he picked him up, readjusting him a few times. A soft hum left Tim as Jay let out a soft groan before burrowing his face further into Tim’s chest, arms sleepily wrapped around him.

The camera cut out and soon enough a new clip started up.

The setting sun painted the sky full of oranges, of pinks and reds, covering the ocean of the night in hues other than blues. The wispy clouds drifted across the sky, stars sparkling so bright as if winking.  The camera had been focused on a bonfire, the fire devouring the wood and sap it had been given. Flames licking up at the sky with hopes of more.  The camera's interest had shifted so quickly, whipping from the flames up to a tree, hazy and out of focus until the familiar click, click, click of it zooming in and refocusing.  A branch of a tree that was a few feet from the bonfire, up above and beyond the leaves was a pair of birds. It shouldn’t have been anything out of the ordinary. If it weren’t for the clashing colors of feathers.  The pair of birds were preening each other, A Blue Jay was picking at a few of the feathers of the bright red Cardinal. Two aggressive birds, two male birds sitting cozied up on the branch. They whistled, no they sang. Their songs were different but by god if they didn’t make the best melody as they chirped and whistled, as their songs filled the film like liquid gold. The sound of crackling fire was a secondary, only adding to it.  /////////////////////////// Jay let out a shaky breath as he paused the film. He should end it on a good note, he needed to. The last one broke him down and he didn’t know if he could or should chance it again. Jay closed out of the window, slipping his headphones off and turning the laptop off. He needed to change, needed to put it all away.  He started to slip out of the bed, he wouldn’t have been out of it for too long, he just needed to change. He tensed as he felt Tim’s hand wrap around his arm pulling him back into the bed. A frown settled on his face as he looked over his shoulder to Tim.  “Put it on the table, you worked for long enough.” Tim mumbled, voice heavy with exhaustion, he looked up to him with tired eyes before yanking him back into the bed when Jay didn’t move.  “I gotta change Tim, I’m still in my jeans, Promise I’ll come right back.” Jay hummed, letting out a huff as he fell back against the bed.  Jay leaned over carefully placing the laptop onto the bedside table before turning to glare at Tim. Sure he had slept in jeans before but that was usually when he couldn’t be bothered. Even then, it wasn’t the most comfortable.  “Just take em off, ‘s not like I haven’t seen you in boxers before.” Tim grumbled, not even looking at him anymore, grip still tight on his arm. Jay took a second to think about it, he supposed he wasn’t wrong but… Ah fuck it Tim was right. Jay laid back, shifting for a moment, unbuttoning his jeans before shuffling to get his jeans off. Which was rather hard when one arm was rendered useless. He reached for the blanket, pulling it over himself before turning on his side to look at Tim. “See anything that could be useful on that one?” Tim questioned, opening his eyes for a brief moment, squinting as he looked him over.  “Mnm no, nothin to lead us anywhere. Goodnight Hawk, sleep well.” Jay whispered, trying to turn over to face the window. He didn’t want to look at Tim, he felt so guilty at the feelings he had, at what he knew they were in the past. He felt Tim still, a soft huff leaving him before he let go of Jay’s arm.  “Goodnight Jaybird… I’ll be here for you.” Tim whispered, reassuring him as he so often did. He wrapped his arm around Jay. He pulled him closer, the hand that had been holding his arm was now holding his hand.

----- CHAPTER BREAK -----

They had been moving around Alabama for so long that they were starting to find even the most normal looking forests terrifying. Every tree could be hiding that thing that followed them. It could hold them hostage. God forbid whenever they had to or chose to sleep in their car for a night. It didn’t matter where they were, it never would. If they were down by Dothan or up by Athens. There was that fear, that paranoia that had been instilled in them that somehow, by some god either Alex, or The Hooded Man would be just outside watching them… Waiting for the perfect moment to strike.  Occasionally the two of them would travel just outside of the Alabama border but never more than an hour out. Well until now. They couldn’t take that privilege anymore, they didn’t have the grace of feeling comfortable wherever they stayed. The money was growing tighter and tighter. Money kept them on a leash where they would never have a nice place to stay.  Jay was pacing around their motel, they had found a rather cheap place just outside of Monticello. It was far enough away that Tim seemed to find ease in letting Jay be alone, Tim also seemed to find ease in not being in the same room with him the entire time. Tim normally leaned out the door or was just outside of it, or he had found a window that would open. But not this time. No.  Tim was currently sitting in his car for his smoke break, he probably had the radio on and the window rolled down just a crack. He did that more often than not since they got here. Since they left Alabama and got to Mississippi.  Jay didn’t understand how he could feel so at ease? It still felt all too far for Jay. Maybe it was because he had been surrounded by him for a few months now. Maybe he had become too reliant on Tim, too soft, following him like a lost dog. Maybe… Or Maybe he had the right to be worried. After all he was almost completely deaf in his left ear, and Tim was in another space. He wasn’t in sight and the car would muffle anything, hell a door usually did. Jay could pretend, he could hope and pray that he would hear if Tim needed help. That Tim would be loud enough for Jay to hear him. He could hope but… but he knew in some small part of him that he wouldn’t. There had been no way he would hear Tim.  So, just as he always did when Tim was out of sight he paced. He walked around the entire room, looping around their bed and then over to the bathroom. On repeat. They had been here for 3 days so far, and they had four more days booked. The motel had a deal that one could get money off for booking a week instead of just a day or two. It was a break they needed, one Jay should be grateful for but… But, he was nothing but a mess of nerves and paranoia.  They both needed the rest but Jay still found his nerves on fire. He still had the nightmares every night, and yet every night without fail Tim would just pull him close and not once did he make him talk about them. Jay had wanted to tell him, but how could he? Most of them were of Tim betraying him, of Tim saying terribly mean things that Jay thought true of himself. Or there were the few times Jay had the nightmare that Tim would kill him, not even in his masked persona. Just gutting him like a fish. Jay knew. Jay knew Tim wouldn’t do that. Jay knew Tim cared about him, that they were friends now even if they were something more in the past. Tim wouldn’t hurt him like that.  Jay was restless. Jay had always been restless but, ever since this mess started, it got worse. It made his skin crawl and for bile to rise into his throat. Jay had been so used to staying in a motel for a maximum of two to three days before moving onto the next. Every time he stayed in a place for more than a week, trouble had found him. Something bad happened to him or others.

The first time he had been in a motel for a week, not even longer than that and he had been found by Alex. He had been so close to getting out of the mess. But he delved back into it. The next time had been when he brought Jessica into the mess. He stayed in that motel with Jessica for almost two months. Now she was dead or missing because of him. Then he had stayed in the hotel’s around Tim’s place and that caused Tim to get dragged back into this mess. He really was a magnet for bad luck. He hurt those he touched, he wondered why Tim didn’t hate him all too often.  Jay had been too lost in thought apparently, he must’ve been. That had to be it because next thing he knew he was standing next to the desk. Tim’s hand was pressing against his shoulder and he was saying something with a soft chuckle following behind his words. Jay noted the smell of fresh menthol's so it couldn’t have been all too long since his smoke break finished.  “Jay, are you listening to me? Come on, that was some real funny shit bud.” Tim snorted, gently nudging him trying to get a reaction.  “Ah yeah, Sorry. Have been thinking on how to best tackle those tapes. How I can best fix them up, hopefully recover some footage. Anyways, What did you say?” Jay questioned tilting his head slightly, looking down at Tim. Why was Tim looking at him like that? Was he looking at him any differently or was his vision just clouded? “Oh… Oh yeah, I thought you were taking a break from those today. Uh… Was just saying how this song came on the radio and I couldn’t help but remember that time you spilled the blue slushie all over the car.” Tim hummed, a smile cracking at his lips again until he let out a soft laugh. Tim took a moment to look him over and the smile slowly disappeared.  “Are you sure you’re okay Jay? Have you eaten anything today? Did you sleep at all last night? You look pale… Well, paler than normal.” Tim questioned, moving his hand to gently hold Jay’s jaw, tilting his face so he could look him in the eye. So he would have to.  “Fuck yeah, that was embarrassing. God. I was hoping you would forget about that…” Jay had trailed off before he scrunched his nose up at the comment Tim made, his questions. A soft hiss left his mouth. “Jeeez ouch Hawk. That hurt. Me paler than normal? Ouch… But, but, yes. Yes I’m fine. Promise. Just frazzled as normal. Might be a little worried about my hearing but nothing more than normal.” Jay hummed, hesitating for a brief moment before leaning into Tim’s touch. God he lived for that, and sure he was tip-toeing around the topic of not sleeping or eating.  “Jay…” Tim’s grip on his jaw tightened just a bit as his tone became more stern.  “You can’t change the topic that easily. Have you eaten today? How much did you sleep? I thought we promised we’d wake each other up if we had a nightmare?” Tim questioned, tilting his head in that way that made Jay fold in an instant. He must’ve known that for how often he used that card.  “I… I ate some food, not much. Haven’t really had the appetite, and I… I just had some insomnia last night. Y’know? Couldn’t sleep and then when I did I had a nightmare. I woke up and well, you woke up briefly. Enough to try and calm me down. But… But you were so exhausted, you looked so tired. I couldn’t just ask you to stay up with me.” Jay explained, hand twitching to hold onto Tim’s wrist, to intertwine their fingers. He grabbed at the hem of his own shirt in hopes of curving that urge.  “Jesus Jay. I guess, I guess I get it. You always have had an odd way of caring. Listen, We aren’t going anywhere for a few more days, so we don’t have to worry about sleeping in, okay? I’m glad I could comfort you a little bit though. Just, Next time wake me up.” Tim urged, eyes flickering down to Jay’s hand for a brief moment. “I… Yeah okay, I can do that. I can do that.” Jay hummed, the corner of his lips twitched into a small smile as Tim let go of his jaw and took his hand instead, squeezing it gently. Their fingers intertwined and it made his stomach flip.  “Now, come on. We got lunch to make. I’m hungry and even if you say you aren’t feeling it you should eat. We still have leftovers from that diner. Let’s just hope they heat up nice enough.” Tim let a soft laugh slip past his lips as he let go of Jay’s hand, moving towards the small mini fridge the room had.  The rest of the day had gone by in what felt like a blur. The two of them reheated leftovers before going out to the laundromat just down the street. They had both been needing to wash their clothes for a few days now but one couldn’t be picky in their situation. They stayed in the laundromat as they waited. Talking about anything and everything, trying to make the world feel more normal.  — Jay found himself in a familiar situation. A comfortable, enjoyable situation but familiar nonetheless. He was sitting up in the bed with Tim fast asleep next to him. Though tonight he found Tim’s arm laying over his waist, holding him close, breath tickling his stomach every now and then. Tim had his leg bent up and over one of Jay’s. Jay needed to tell Tim soon. He needed to… He wanted to.  Jay needed to finish watching the film himself, and then he could go from there. What if things ended badly between them back then? Would that sour what might happen now? What if there was something on there that would hurt him or Tim. What if…. No. He would finish it. He would finish it and he would show Tim and he’d let him decide where to go from there.  Jay pulled the film back up on his laptop, getting back to where he left off before pressing play. He looked over to his left and rolled his eyes before carefully moving to run his fingers through Tim’s hair. He was so beautiful like this, asleep and finally at peace, at ease. Thoughts that always had his eyebrows furrowed or a cigarette in his mouth were kept at bay as he slept.  /////////////////////////// 
“Life is ever changing. Ever Evolving” “Fear is what drives most things. It can change you for worse.” 
 The screen lit up, no longer soaking into the null void. It was a scene that had been shown before. The night sky was as clear as could be, the blues of the night swirled creating the ever beloved ocean in the sky. The stars only fueled the beautiful sight. The hungry flames quickly overpowered the serenity however, working as the major light source. Red and orange illuminating the screen accompanied by the loud crackling. The only thing that changed from before were the voices.  They were no longer muffled. It had been decided that the owners of those curses, that those fighting no longer deserved their identity hidden. If anything the voices got louder, and louder until two bodies stumbled into frame.  
The one and only Alex Kralie and, The one and only Jay Merrick. 
 They had been best friends to anyone who would’ve known them back in college, stretching back into their middle school days. They had been inseparable even through their squabbles and bickering fights. They appeared different in this though. As though their past relationship had no meaning.  Alex socked Jay, sending his head whipping to the side before he slammed his hands into Jay’s chest, knocking him back another few steps. Alex didn’t let him recover, didn’t let him catch his breath. Instead he grabbed at his shirt and shook him violently.  The last bit of muffling dissipated and now it was as clear as the sky was that night.  “Why don’t you accept me and Tim?!?! Huh? Why do you hate him!!! Tell Me!!!!!” Jay shouted, pushing at Alex’s shoulders, trying to escape from his grasp. Blood was running down his nose and over his lips. He didn’t make a move to wipe it away, letting it run.  “Because!!” Alex snarled out, fingers twisting further into the fabric, no doubt stretching the shirt out. He towered over Jay, glasses slipping down his nose.  “That’s. Not. A. Fucking. Answer!!!! Why?! Why do you hate him so much?!?!” Jay urged, glaring at Alex and only Alex. He struggled in Alex’s grip, continuously pushing against the chest. Trying desperately to pull away from his grasp.  “Because he’s a fucking Psychopath Jay!!! He’s…. He’s fucked in the head!!! He’s a piece of shit!!!” Alex wasn’t giving Jay any space, knowing his weaknesses and continuing to tower over him, only a few inches separated them.  “What does that even mean?!?! Say that again actually… I fucking dare you!!!” Jay snapped, moving to stand up a bit straighter. He bared his teeth at him, his hands no longer pushed at Alex’s shoulders, instead they held onto them, fingers digging into the fabric.  “ He. Is. A. Psychopath!!! You haven’t seen him like I have!!! He’ll betray you!!” Alex repeated, letting go of his shirt with one hand to push at Jay’s chest to accentuate every word.  “How the hell would you know what he’s like?!?!” Jay snarled out, glaring down at Alex’s finger before back up to him. “You always yell at him!! Bitch at him!! You’ve never even tried to get to know him!!! So how would you know what he’s like? ” Jay questioned, his volume quickly raising before he slammed his fists against Alex’s chest, watching him stumble back.  “All you have ever done.. All you’ve done is use him for his music and then judge him!!! Have you asked how he is? Do you ever care about anyone other than yourself?!?!? Huh? Do You??” Jay barked as he started to back up, shaking his head. “ What happened to you Alex? ” Jay spit out, words laced with venom, meant to stick in and hurt the other. The look of disgust didn’t go unnoticed from Alex though. “Shut up, Shut up, Shut up, Shut Up. SHUT THE FUCK UP!!!! YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND!!! ” Alex screamed back, quickly walking  towards Jay. He reached up to wipe at his face, a grimace grew as he noticed how Jay’s blood had splattered across his face earlier.  “THEN FUCKING EXPLAIN IT TO ME!!! EXPLAIN IT TO ME ALEX!!!” Jay screamed back, continuing to take a few steps back. He had his arms raised up, ready to defend himself from Alex’s next attack.  “YOU WERE MY BEST FRIEND JAY!!!! WHY THE FUCK ARE YOU BEING SUCH AN ASS?!?! WHY DIDN’T YOU ASK ME IF I WAS OKAY?” Alex closed the distance quicker, now only a few inches from Jay as he towered over him, shoulders jolting with each breath. He always used his height to his advantage, any chance he got.  “ What happened to me? ” Alex scoffed, mocking Jay as he rolled his eyes before shaking his head slightly. A sneer pulled at his lips as he glared down at Jay. “What happened to you? When did you stop caring about me? Huh? Tell me Jay!! How about you tell me!” Alex snapped out, a sneer ever present on his face now  “What? I… Fuck man!” Jay took another step back, a look of confusion spread across his face before he shook his head. His hands started to shake slightly as he looked anywhere but at Alex. The camera was unfortunate in catching his glare for what felt like an eternity. “I didn’t stop caring you sorry sack of shit!! I never stopped!! You started to be a dick! So yeah, I backed the fuck off!!” Jay explained holding his hands up when Alex made another step forward. Jay was always defensive in his fights. It was a fault of his.  “Friends don’t abandon each other when they’re being stupid!! You help them!! God damn it Jay!!! You haven’t even looked in my direction in weeks!! Too busy with Tim!!! YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO ASK YOUR FRIEND IF THEY’RE OKAY!!!” Alex snapped out, raising his hands to shake them before running his fingers through his hair. “I STOPPED ASKING ABOUT YOU BECAUSE YOU KEPT SHOVING ME AWAY!! HOW THE FUCK AM I SUPPOSED TO KNOW WHAT’S WRONG IF YOU DON’T TELL ME??? YOU CAN’T PUSH ME AWAY AND EXPECT ME TO KNOW WHEN TO PUSH BACK!!!” Jay shouted, taking a few steps forward, anger pushing him into Alex’s bubble. He slammed his hands against Alex’s chest. “You… You chose TIM over ME!! THAT’S WHAT!!! You… You never fuckin asked if I was okay!!! You never asked how I felt?!?! Ever since you two started dating I’m chopped fucking liver!!” Alex shouted back, throwing another punch. It didn’t connect as hard, in fact Jay’s head barely moved with it. “Seriously?!?! Christ Alex!! I don’t need your shitty approval!! What is actually your problem!! If it was something that simple you would’ve told me!!” Jay growled out, leaning further up. Moving until he was eye to eye with Alex. So what if he had to stand up on his toes to do so, it got the message across.  The camera had cut rather quickly. The fight had been far from over, and yet it was left unfinished. The fight must’ve delved into something more. Maybe it ended up being too violent to be shown, or Maybe there had been things said that should not be heard by others. It felt all too familiar of a battle now, two old friends who were now finding themselves in a constant fight. “Fear will cloud your mind, your choices.” When the screen had finally turned back on it was moving a bit, falling into the slight rhythm of rise and fall, rise and fall. Walking. All too quickly the camera was whipped around, sending whoever might view it into whiplash. The world spun around before the camera got close to the ground.  That familiar click, click, click filled the film as the camera zoomed in and refocused onto the current subject at hand.  Once it had stabilized and had refocused, only then did it show what had caught the attention of the All Seeing Eye… Of the Cameraman.  A feather laid lone on the ground. Bright blue clashing against the orange of dried pine needles that had gathered along with the few sprouts of grass that poked through. There on the ground laid a single Blue Jay feather. It laid alone, with no bird in sight. Nothing to be heard.

The screen went dark, letting the viewer sit in their thoughts for just a few mere seconds before turning back on.

The camera was no longer held steady as it so usually did. The hands that had been such experts on keeping The All Seeing Eye so stable that it could watch a leaf race down a stream were no longer. This set were shaky, they were unstable. They had a tremor.  The scene could’ve been described as peaceful. It should’ve felt peaceful. It was outside, the birds were quietly whistling, the wind was barely whipping and by the gods the sun was out. It was by all means a perfect day. It had been painted to be perfect and yet… It wasn’t. The content shown didn’t hold that peaceful feeling.  The eye of the camera was focused on a plastic bin that was sat just outside of a door.  There were a few piles of clothes sticking out of the bin, reds and oranges along with a certain red and black flannel. There was an all too familiar black windbreaker sitting half out on the far side. A pair of sweats had been barely visible. Maybe they had been the pair the viewers would’ve seen earlier. The most heartbreaking thing of them all might have been the old, worn out. ‘The Romantics’ T-shirt that sat folded perfectly on top.  A few books had joined those clothes, not much but things that made more sense of who the owner might be. A guitar book, what could’ve only been assumed to be others and…. And a journal that had ‘Songs’ written in big black marker across the front with a BlueJay decal on the far end of it.  There were a few CD cases that sat visible on top of the clothes. If it hadn’t been made obvious as to whose things they were the music choices had.  The Romantics, Queen, David Bowie.  A pack of cigarettes and a lighter were tucked in between some things.  Menthol's.  There was a plastic bag tucked into the pile, it hid whatever must’ve been inside of it. The hands that held the camera hesitated, zooming in on the Menthol's, on the Bic lighter, on the CD’s and that flannel. The hands ripped the camera from the view, turning to and starting to film the pavement that was being walked on.  Tiny droplets fell past the camera and onto the sidewalk with silent pitter patters.  It wasn’t raining.  It was a perfect day, just not for the person holding the camera.

The view was cut quickly after that, leaving Jay… Leaving the viewer in the darkness. They were left to defend themselves in the sickeningly null void for far longer than previously.  The first thing that was noticeable as the next clip started was the water. It was loud. The screen was still black as the water pitter pattered against something. It was hard to differentiate if it was rain or something else.  That screen continued for a solid minute in that null darkness. It soaked into the air around the viewer… Around Jay. Until it finally flickered into the next scene, the next clip.  It was a bathroom. It was Jay’s bathroom. In his college apartment… The camera was pointed towards the shower. The curtain was drawn shut but with how the lighting was, there was a clear shadow of someone on the other side.  If the person had been standing it might’ve given an air of peeping in, of awkwardness. Hell, it might’ve fixed the feeling that the viewers had been left with from the last clip. But no. No, this shadow of a person was curled in on themself. Their shoulders shaking and soon enough sobs were heard from just under the loud pitter pattering of the water.  The water cascaded around them, it soaked in their sounds, it consumed them whole. It was almost like static, white noise almost covering the grief, the sorrow, the mourning.  As if to mock previous clips where Jay and Tim had thrown their heads back in joy. This person threw their head back but not out of joy, baring their neck to the gods. A loud half screamed out sob escaped from them as their hand raised up quickly to cover their mouth.  The shadow shook for the rest of the clip. The shadow of a person stayed like that for the rest of the clip as sobs wracked their body into gasping hiccups.  The shadow of the person behind the curtain was Jay. There was no one else that would be in his apartment, in his shower and be willing to be filmed in such a raw moment.  The viewer was not left in their wallowing this time. It hadn’t wasted any time as the clips changed. It transitioned rather smoothly with only a few seconds to relax.   “Relationships are a test of your patience, of your love and time.” The camera was placed further away from the subject this time.  The All Seeing Eye, The Camera laid on the carpet in Jay’s old living room.  Jay was there, in the center of it all. He laid back on the floor in a hoodie that was definitely not his, and was definitely a size or two too big. He was staring up at the ceiling as his shoulders shook slightly.  Tears cascaded down Jay’s cheeks, carving new paths, previous tear streaks and tear stains reflected the light of the sky just outside. His face was red and it was all to clear that Jay must’ve been crying for a while. A pillow laid next to him and there were damp spots from what could have only been formed by tears. Jay laid on the floor surrounded by tissues and hiccuping sobs. He was surrounded with nothing and everything. His sorrow, his hurt, all left out for the world to see.  Very faintly an all too familiar voice could be heard. A song was playing on a CD player.  “I don’t mind, oooohh. Yes, it’s true this heart’ll keep on waitin’~ Now I know it, say it over and over, Just a test of time.~”The Romantics. Jay sang along with the last few lyrics, his voice cracked at the end and he broke down into a soft whine before those all too familiar hiccuping sobs wracked him just as they had in the previous scene. 
“Music is good for mending a broken heart.” “You can look back on the past and enjoy it without going backwards.”

Jay was sat on the floor, legs criss crossed as he looked at the mess in front of him. Papers, there were papers and notebooks sprawled out in front of Jay. Markers, pens, highlighters. There was anything and everything that could help with whatever Jay had painted within his mind.  The setup appeared so similar to his desk that one might have thought he was working on something for a class or some school work. But, with the music in the background, the type of music refuted that idea. Jay’s CD player was just in frame. Jay’s taste in music wasn’t instrumental with no lyrics. That’s all this was.  The music was soft, It was gentle, It was Swaying.  Piano. Emotion fueled the notes. It went slow and then faster, building up and up.  Whoever was playing it put their all into it, feeling the music out as they played. Then there was a Guitar. A soft strumming, fingers plucking the chords as if it was all they knew. It matched the pace of the piano, it melded perfectly.  And Jay? Jay was sitting there, he was looking at the CD player, chewing on his bottom lip out of worry? Or maybe frustration. “Come on Jay, you can do this. You can do this. Just add onto it. You both agreed you would add onto it, it would make it feel more whole.” Jay whispered, his voice hitching as he looked down at his hands. He took the pencil that he had been tapping against his chin, tucking it behind his ear. Jay leaned to the side and pulled a guitar from just out of the frame and set it on his lap, moving his hands across it with a frown on his face. “Come on Jay, Come on… Come on, He just… He just taught you how to play. You can do this.” Jay whispered to himself, running his fingers over the body of the guitar.  Jay took a deep breath in before letting out. He re situated the guitar in his lap, moving his hands to the places he was taught. He watched his fingers intently, trying to play along with the song. He hummed along and eventually he closed his eyes as his fingers moved across the strings.  His fingers were covered in band aids and his hands appeared to have some bruising. No doubt from an earlier practice.  Jay had tears rolling his cheeks, as a smile grew on his face. He nodded along as he continued to follow the sound track.  It was the same song that had been playing in the background the entire time.  It had been distant, it had been light and almost unnoticeable until now. Until it was made clear that it was there.  
Jay had always wondered why he had that guitar. Why he could only play a few songs and he didn’t know who had written them. There never were any lyrics.

The music died down and soon the next clip started with two voices, a pair of laughs.  The camera had been held with one hand, which was shaking with laughter. There was the distinct sound of two people kissing before a happy hum.  “Hold on, are you really filming yourself opening the CD? Oh Jaybird, come onnn, it’s not that good.” Tim’s voice rang clear, from just behind him, his hand came into view to cover the eye of the camera again.  “Oh hush it. Move your hand. My Dear Hawk~ Come on, I want to capture everything for this year. I want to remember this. Plus… Who knows. Maybe I can use this later in our life for something important? Something special?” Jay’s voice held nothing but amusement, his tone teased the other and soon there was the soft sound of kissing again.  “Oh… oh.. Shut it. Don’t joke like that Jay, just.. Just open the damn CD before I change my mind and take it back.” Tim threatened his voice cracking slightly. Even if the camera wasn’t on him, even if the view was set on the coffee table it was easy to hear the embarrassment.  “Awww, Come on. You wouldn't dare take my birthday present would you, My Dear Hawk?” Jay questioned, slowly moving the camera with one hand to view the CD instead. “You’re lucky I love you.” Tim whispered, adoration seeping into his words.  “I love you too.” Jay replied.  The camera’s familiar click, click, click as it zoomed in and focused almost covered up the third kiss of theirs. Almost.   The CD that had been briefly seen in a previous clip was now the center of attention. It had a photo of a Blue Jay sitting on a steel beam as the cover. ‘For Jaybird’ was written in black sharpie on top of the plastic case.  “Did you take this photo?” Jay questioned, his voice was tight and quiet, as he trailed his fingers over the letters.  “Uh.. Yeah, Yeah there was this Blue Jay watching me while I ate lunch… So I took a picture of it. Cheesy, I know. I just can’t see one without thinking of you.” Tim whispered, his hand came into view once again this time to rest on top of Jay’s.  Jay let out a strangled laugh, the hand holding the camera shook slightly.  “No, no, no.. God no. I love it, You really are such a Romantic.” Jay let out a sigh as the hand that had been on his moved away and out of frame.  “Just, Just open it and see the stuff inside.” Tim whispered, embarrassment held his voice tight.  “Oh? Caught my interest now~” Jay teased, as he resituated himself. A soft hum left him as he let his hand rest by the case for a moment longer.  Jay struggled for a split second as he opened the CD case with one hand. The left side had a picture of the two of them kissing, it was during one of their first ‘dates’. Jay’s hair was soaked and his lips were blue around the edges as were Tim’s. Both of their clothes were stuck to their skin and the two of them were nothing but smiles.  On top of the picture, over some protective plastic was the track list, written in the same black sharpie as before.  1.) Test Of Time - The Romantics 3:162.) One in a Million - The Romantics 3:423.) Good Old-Fashioned Lover Boy - Queen 2:534.) More Than I can Say - Leo Sayer 3:415.) Talking in Your Sleep - The Romantics 3:576.) I Just Called to Say I Love You - Stevie Wonder 4:217.) Somebody to Love - Queen 4:528.) Careless Whisper - George Michael 5:01 9.) Midnight Train to Georgia - Gladys Knight & the Pips 4:39

“God Tim, This is… This is so…” Jay’s voice trailed off and there was a soft sniffle. The hand that had been on the table moved out of frame.  “Cheesy? Yeah I know.” Tim mumbled before he cleared his throat.  “Perfect… It’s perfect.” Jay finished and the camera was set down on the coffee table.  “Oh..” Tim trailed off as a soft anxious laugh escaped him.  “C’mere Mr. Romantics,” Jay urged as he grew a bit softer, a bit harder to hear and then there was the sound of fabric on fabric.  The Camera cut rather quickly after that before it was turned back on. It was no longer in the living room that had been Jay’s in college, it was a different place entirely.  The camera was sat on the passenger side seat of his car as Jay’s face appeared barely in frame, holding two CD cases. He glanced towards the camera for a brief moment before putting them into the glove compartment. A shaky sigh escaped from him before a small smile grew on his face. That was the same car he had parked in Tim’s driveway… Were they still in there? Did he still have those CD’s all these years later?

When the camera turned back on the scene unfolding was familiar but wrong. It was terribly wrong.  It was the kitchen from before, the one that seemed overly crowded. Maybe it had felt a bit too mundane and normal but it was full of love and life. This time it was wrong. It felt devoid of it all.  It was a familiar one as all the past had been. But it hurt.  The camera had been placed as it had previously, getting the same angle just as before. Jay walked from behind it and towards the sink. He stopped a few feet from the counter's edge and hesitated before closing the distance.  The water started to run and the music was playing, filling the minds of the viewers… the mind of Jay with what should’ve been an air of comfortable familiarity if not just deja vu. Instead, the only thing the scene, the clip gave was an air of melancholy.  The clip changed for a second back to what it had been once before.  Tim was washing the dishes with Jay wrapped up behind him, rocking back and forth to the same song that had been playing. They were humming along and Jay had held Tim close.  But all too quickly it shifted back to Jay alone. Jay alone doing the dishes in a scene, in a room that felt far too empty.  
“It’s never too late to try and rectify your mistakes.” “They just might be too far for you to get back again.” 
 The view from the camera appeared as though it had been left on and forgotten about. It was sitting on what appeared to be the living room floor with the only angle of Jay being his left arm and leg. He sat leaned up against the couch instead of on it.  Jay’s phone laid in his hand as he hit play again.  “Jay? It’s me. Listen, I’m sorry. I know that’s not enough. Just please. Please. Can you message me back? Or.. Or Call me?” Alex’s voice came through the speaker, he sounded desperate. He sounded torn up.  Jay flinched at the sound of his voice, just enough for it to be caught by The All Seeing Eye.  Jay’s thumb hit play again.  “Blue Jay, What’s going on? You haven’t answered any of my calls? I’m worried.” Tim’s voice was clear through the speaker, confusion thick in his voice with worry crawling up. Some soft, almost unheard noise left Jay at the contents of the voicemail.  Jay raised his leg up moving his phone to lay on the floor, he hesitated before pressing play again.  “Jay? Man? I don’t know what’s going on but you haven’t come out to any of the shoots. I know I shouldn’t put my nose where it doesn’t belong but… But Tim’s my best friend, He’s a mess. Did something happen between you two?” Brian’s voice was quiet, as if trying to remain unheard by someone else. It almost didn’t sound like him, it was full of anxiety, of worry for his friend, for Jay. It had a hint of defensiveness.  Maybe that had been left unheard by Jay though.  A soft, near silent sob tore from Jay’s throat as he pressed play again.  “Jaybird, Please. Answer my texts, or… Or call me back. Please, Please. I don’t know what happened, what I did? Please, I love you.” Tim was more desperate this time, he pleaded through his message. Begging for Jay to answer. The way Tim sniffled, the way his voice was thick. Had he been crying? Had he been smoking? The second sob that tore from Jay was louder and it wracked his body as he raised his hand to his face that was just barely in frame now. He took a moment before pressing play again.  “Jay. I really, really fucked up with what I said. I should never have talked to you that way. I don’t think anything that I said that night. I’m sorry, I.. I should've just told you from the start but.. Please, text me back or call me.” Alex urged, he was pleading. Alex was never one to beg. He was never one to show himself like that. Alex was too stubborn, too confident to beg for forgiveness. Not to mention begging for someone to call him back.  Jay’s hand lowered back to the phone, tears glistened on his skin as he hesitated before hitting play.  “Hey Jay? Alex is kinda losing his shit over here. What’s going on? Tim and him are fighting non stop now. It’s not like their old bickering fights. Please text me back.” Seth’s voice was a constant, he never raised it, he never changed for anyone other than Sarah. But even now it was tight with annoyance, or maybe it was fear. Seth was the only other person that had known Alex from before college.  Jay's hand was shaking, just as his breathing was. On the edge of hyperventilating as he hit play again. Raising his hand to cover his mouth.  “Hey Jay, I know we aren’t as close as Tim, Alex and Brian are to you. But I’m worried, I really am. Seth isn’t as good with his words but the whole group has kinda collapsed. Not that it’s on you, but… I miss talking to you about those romcoms. A new one is out in the theaters, We can go see it. Just the two of us. We can do whatever you want. I’m just worried about you. Miss you.” Sarah’s voice was soft, she was concerned. She had become a good friend of his.  Sarah and him had talked during all of the shoots he had been on, they would discuss romcoms while Alex would groan about how gross they were. He had found her a good friend, she gave great advice and here she was showing concern and he didn’t reply.  Jay was a terrible friend. He tilted his head back, slouching a bit more to rest his head on the couch cushions, he reached down. Hitting play without even looking. Jay’s adams apple bobbed as he swallowed what could’ve only been a sob.  “I know what I said. I know what I told you… But, but it’s not true!! No one would ever leave you!! I’m sorry, okay. I’m so sorry. Just… If you don’t want to talk to me, that’s understandable but… But Tim’s smoking a lot more… He’s not looking well. I’m sorry. I didn’t want to hurt you, I never wanted you hurt. I was just… jealous.” Alex seemed to have come to terms with not hearing from Jay again, he seemingly understood his mistakes. Alex pleaded with him though, not for forgiveness but for him to respond to anyone else. What had changed?  Jay tilted his head to the side, still not catching onto the fact that the camera was on, or maybe he had and just resigned against caring. He glanced at his phone as silent tears trickled down his cheeks.  He hit play.  “Jay, It’s me… I, I uhm. I got my things safe and sound… Why did you? I mean, I know things got a little rocky with your fight with Alex and then our fight after but… But I thought we were in this together? I thought we were okay? Can you please just, Can you please call me back or text me. I want this to work. I love you.” Tim’s voice was thick, the sound of the wind whipping made it clear enough that Tim was smoking. Tim took time out of his smoke break to call Jay.  Tim wanted things to work. Tim loved him. Tim wanted him in his life, even after ghosting him.  Jay looked over to where the door to his apartment was, he had a look of longing on his face. Jay was waiting, but who was he waiting for? What was he waiting on? He tapped his phone, hitting play again. “Hey man, I just wanted to say Sarah, Seth and I are going out to the diner if you want to come with?... I feel like you’re avoiding Tim and Alex, neither of them have said what happened. I won’t push or pry, it’s not my place. That’s not why I called you anyways. We miss you too dude, Y’know? You’re our friend too. I promise Tim’s not coming, he’s busy with work today and tomorrow and Alex is off doing something.” Brian’s voice was full of care as he tried to convince Jay to come through a voicemail. He might’ve been curious but he never was one to push. He always tried his best to understand things.  Brian deserved an answer, Brian was always trying to comfort others. Brian was a great friend.  Jay was a bad friend.  Jay let out a frustrated groan as he buried his face in his hands, hiding himself from the camera. Jay took a few minutes before he reached out with one hand to press play, his hand quickly rejoined the other covering his face. “I got your message Jay. Thank you, Thank you, Thank you so much for understanding. We can meet up wherever you want. Alex finally took me up on that offer from a while ago. I think he might be trying to fix things, I’m showing him a few spots today. So I can come over tomorrow and we can do whatever you want. Anything, God I mean it. Anything you want Jaybird. Thank you, I love you and I’ll see you tomorrow.” Tim’s voice was loud, it was full of excitement, his words dripped with love.  Tim was a saint. He was as patient as one after all, he always seemed to understand people. Even if it was something that bit him in the ass more often than not.   That’s what landed Tim in Jay’s arms now as he watched this. With Jay’s fingers combing through his hair. Jay grabbed the phone, looking at it for a moment before dialing a number, he kept it on speaker as he looked down at it.  “Come on Tim, answer me please.” Jay’s voice cracked as it rang… and rang.. And rang.  “Hey, It’s Tim Wright, I’m busy right now, leave a message and I’ll get back to you.” Tim’s voice was slow and steady… It was his voicemail.  How the tables had turned.  “Hey… Hey Tim, I uhm… I uh.. I’m ready? I got dressed, I’ve just been waiting for you to get here, or to call me back, or text me.. I know we didn’t agree on a time but… Y’know uhm.. I hope things went well between you and Alex? I.. I know you two have been fighting, I really hope he’s trying to fix things. Please call me back, please? I’m sorry, I know it was dick move what I did, But… but I love you and I’m sorry.” Jay whispered, his voice was cracking as he glanced down to his phone.  The camera caught onto how the tears wouldn’t stop, they couldn’t. Even if Jay had wanted them to, they wouldn’t. They rolled down his cheeks and onto his hand.  Jay sat there, trying to calm down from the tears as he dialed another number, his phone starting to ring again.  “Hey It’s Brian! I’m not at the phone right now. But, if you leave a message after the beep I’ll respond as soon as I can!” Brian’s voicemail was different, it was more upbeat. His tone was joyful and he seemed excited.  Now he was the one getting nothing but voicemails.  “Hey, Bry.. I wanna start this off with I’m sorry? I know I wasn’t great with how I just shoved everyone away and refused everything. I really am but uhm… Have you heard from Tim? He’s not responding to me? I’m just a bit worried is all? We agreed to meet up today, figure stuff out, fix things but… but I’ve got nothing but static. He said he was supposed to be with Alex yesterday… So? I’m sorry again, Hope you have a good day.” Jay’s voice wavered every time he said someone's name. It would hitch and crack at Tim’s. Jay would freeze up for a split second whenever he had mentioned Alex.  The clip ended there and a new one started, far different this time. Jay looked like a mess, his hair was disheveled and his face was red and tear stained. The dark circles under his eyes had deepend significantly. He looked… worse for wear. “Hello! This is Sarah Reid’s Number!! Thank you for calling me, Sorry I’m not at the phone right now. Please Leave me a message and I’ll get back to you as soon as I’m free!!” Sarah’s voice chimed through the phone in Jay’s hand. Jay let out a defeated sigh before clearing his throat.  “Hey, I know I’m like a terrible friend for just disappearing and not talking to anyone but.. But can we hang out? I’m kinda at a loss here. I thought me and Tim made up and now no one is answering their phones. Please Sarah, I’m sorry. I got mixed up in thoughts and feelings and fears.” Jay pleaded with Sarah, hoping she would respond, hoping she might call him back.  Jay set his phone down after hanging up. He ran a hand through his hair before resting the side of his head onto his knee looking off and out of frame before he glanced at his phone dialing another number.  It rang, and rang and rang.  “This is Seth Wilson’s Phone, I’m busy right now. Leave me a message and I’ll get back to you when I can.” Seth’s voice came through clear as day, he sounded so tired. He always did but it sounded worse in the voicemail. “Seth? I know. I know I hurt all of you, I know it was stupid but… I … Can you please call me back?” Jay questioned, tapping his foot against the carpeted floor. He looked so tired.  Jay tossed his phone to the side before falling backwards against the floor, half out of frame and half in. He looked devastated and destroyed. The darkness swallowed up the scene once again and that soundtrack returned, growing a tad bit louder than before.  
“Sometimes the thing we need the most is something that relies on you.” 
 Jay let out an excited laugh as the camera turned on. It had been facing the floor before it was turned around to show a little grey and black fluff ball on his shoulder, nails digging in through his shirt. It was loud with its meows, reaching up and swatting at Jay’s face before latching back onto his shirt.  Jay held the camera steady with one hand before reaching out and gently scooping the kitten from his shoulder. He held it against his chest, leaning his face down just enough to press a soft kiss onto the space between its ears.  “Ripley, you can’t be doing that my sweetness. You’ll get hurt if you fall.” Jay chuckled as he set the camera down before holding the kitten with two hands.  The camera’s view of Jay was from the coffee table as Jay started to bend down, keeping the kitten close. “I know, Yes yes… I know it’s dinner time isn’t it? Let me set you down and we’ll get you some food. Yes, yes let’s do that. C’mon Rip.” Jay’s voice raised in an octave as he peppered kisses all over ‘Ripleys’ head.  Ripley let out a loud meow as Jay set her down. He gently patted her head before grabbing the camera, keeping it pointed towards his feet as he walked towards the kitchen. The eye of the camera caught the kitten chasing after him and eventually latching onto one of his sweatpants legs. She started to climb up meowing loudly, begging to be fed.

The camera cut and when it turned back on there was Ripley again, all curled up by the window with the sunrays stretching across her grey and black fur.  It was Ironic that this stormy looking kitten would come into Jay’s life and only show him kindness, giving him a purpose and something to take care of, something to love.  “I can’t wait for Tim to meet you Rip, one of these days we’ll meet up again and I can gush about you. Y’know he says he hates cats but I know that’s not true. He’s just scared that he’ll accidentally hurt them. But You know what Rip, you’re not that much smaller than his old dog.” Jay whispered to the cat, reaching out to gently run his fingers over her fur.  Ripley had grown significantly since the last clip. She was bigger than Jay’s hands now. Maybe both of them combined if he was being generous.  “You’ll meet him one of these days.” He promised the kitten.   The clip was cut there and the music filled the screen. It wasn’t that pitch black null nothingness anymore. It was a soft, dark grey color.  The camera turned back on and it was in Jay’s room again. It was placed on the bookshelf just as it had before. The sickly yellow light painted the room once again with music from the CD player loud enough to be caught by the camera. Jay was studying again. Except well he wasn’t. Jay was alone and asleep, passed out at his desk. He had his face resting against his arms, his laptop was still on and showing a replay of a clip from before. Jay had been editing the clip of them in the kitchen.  Papers filled with chicken scratch notes were scattered across the desk as they had been previously, markers and highlighters had been just the same. In the corner though, there was something still up. The picture of Tim and Jay. They were still there. It was still there.  No one came to Jay’s rescue this time.  The cut did not leave the viewer in pitch black. No it stayed in the dark grey, though this time it had a cooler tone to it. Were things changing? The Guitar, The Piano and Jay’s strumming still filled their film with peace.  The camera was sitting on the edge of a windowsill, looking out through the eye that was a window. It captured the night sky, clear as could be, the moon was casting a singular hand in a pale light. Just within view was an empty beer bottle, and a half empty carton of cigarettes with a dark blue bic lighter sitting nestled in it.  The hand that kept coming in and out of frame held a cigarette carefully, long nimbly fingers twitched every now and then, scattering ashes across the windowsill. Music was playing in the background and a soft meow joined in every now and then.  It was peaceful, it was happy, and it was melancholic.  A phone rang, and The Romantics started to play.  ‘Talking in Your Sleep’ was loud and clear.  The long, nimbly fingers that had been holding the cigarette dropped it in an instant and the clip was cut there.  Leaving the viewer to question things… To Question themself.  /////////////////////////// Jay paused the film there, looking at the time he had left. He could finish it next time, could watch it next time and finish it and then he and Tim could discuss it.  They could figure out where to go from there, What they could do moving forward. He would tell Tim how he felt, he would tell Tim how he felt before it was too late. He had to, He had thought this stupid crush would disappear, it would leave him alone but it only grew and he found out that maybe it wasn’t so stupid… That, maybe it was just past feelings bubbling back up into real and true adoration.  Jay looked at the screen of his laptop trying to come to terms with what he had just watched, trying to go through it in his mind. But all that was happening was trains of thoughts crashing into each other as his mind ran rampant.  The fight… He hadn’t remembered that, he had no memory of him and Alex getting into a fight like that. Hell, he couldn’t remember Alex laying a hand on him to begin with, not to mention him acting like that. Jay had tried to not cry during that, he tried to not be loud. He tried to keep those tears silent and well, it appeared he did a good job because Tim was still asleep.  It had really truly hurt him, it hurt him greatly. Jay had only remembered the good about their friendship, sure they had fights but he didn’t remember it as bad… How could Alex say those things? Had… Had Alex known who Tim was? Did he know of the faceless freak back then? Did he think that Tim caused it? What was Alex’s true reasoning? What had Jay cut out from that fight? The voicemails? That… Was that when Alex did that all? Was that when Alex had left Tim for dead? Is that when he killed Seth and Sarah? Is that when he killed Brian? Did he really hurt Jay that much? That couldn’t have been the Alex that Jay had grown up with, the one that was so nice…. But, that wasn’t him now. He was different right? Could he go back to who he was? Was there any hope? Or was he lost to him… Lost to that faceless freak and whatever it infects one with.  Ripley… Ripley, Jay remembered her, he remembered his kitten. That cat was the world to him. Jay was always with the cat, with Ripley. Whenever he could be he was. She was the smartest cat he had ever met, the most loving and mischievous.  Jay never had a great memory, even before all this mess. But he didn’t remember a lot of what happened in college… He didn’t remember why he got her, but he had her… Jay must’ve lost his chunk of memory shortly after turning in that assignment, must’ve been when Alex attacked him. Jay kept Ripley through the years, even after he finished college, even through the move to the new apartment. Ripley seemed to have moments though where she seemed different, her fur would stand on end and she’d hiss at something out the window towards the end of Jay having her… Jay had to give her up when the mess really started, he had taken her with him when he left his apartment and thank god he had because it burnt down… It left him homeless and with a rather large cat. He had to give her up then, he couldn’t be cruel like that to her. Ripley wasn’t meant for the road, wasn’t meant for Jay’s hatchback. Who did he give her to? It was some girl, someone he had been friends with… Right? He had promised that girl he’d come back when he got stable… He supposed she probably didn’t remember him anymore, she probably took care of Ripley far better than Jay ever could, it had been years since he left Ripley with her.  Jay tore himself out of his thoughts when Tim’s grip on his waist tightened, a soft snore left him and Jay snorted. He looked down to him and a soft sigh slipped past his lips. Tim was here with him. Tim didn’t leave him, It sounded like he had never left Jay. He knew what happened now, he knew why Tim never came that day. He knew now, but Jay from back then hadn’t…  Jay knew what had happened all those years now, he understood what happened. He understood that none of them left him on purpose, no they had been taken from him, they had been taken from the earth far too early. It was all that faceless freaks fault… Alex’s fault. But not his Alex, Alex the puppet's fault.  Jay had Tim, Jay had Tim now and Tim had him.  They would survive this, they would win, whatever that meant. They would move out of Alabama, they would move into their own house, they would get a dog… Even if it was as friends. They wouldn’t be alone again.  Jay closed out of the window, putting his laptop into sleep mode before moving over, leaning to place it on the bedside table. A small smile creeped onto his face as Tim’s grip tightened and he made a soft noise of protest.  “nooo…” Tim half mumbled, it was damn near silent and it was clear he was asleep just roused by Jay moving slightly.  “Goodnight, Sleep well My Dear Hawk.” Jay whispered as he looked down at Tim.  It took some shimmying, some shifting awkwardly before he was able to lay back comfortably. He faced Tim, wrapping his own arms around him, he couldn’t help but look him over, watching him. He wanted to memorize his face like this, comfortable and without worry on his face. Slack jawed and relaxed.  === Jay was looking up to Alex, his eyes were narrowed and his eyebrows were furrowed. He was itching to knock that look off of Alex. He didn’t deserve to say everything he had. He didn’t deserve to hold Tim’s name in his mouth. Who was he to be like that? “Spit it out Alex,” Jay snarled out, glaring at him, hell he was sure he looked like a rabid dog, teeth bared with his anger.  “He… He doesn’t deserve you!! He doesn’t deserve a single drop of your attention!!!” Alex shouted, his face was red and his eyes looked glossed over as his shoulders raised and fell as he tried to catch his breath… Was he really about to hyperventilate?  Jay scoffed, taking another step forward, less than an inch between them. “I don’t need your shitty fucking opinion on who deserves me and who doesn’t!!! I don’t need your fucking approval on who I date and who I don’t!! It’s not like you’re the boss of me, You aren’t my mom! You aren’t my dad! You’re just an asshole who was my friend!” Jay snapped out, Jay had one pet peeve that got him riled up this bad… He hated being told who he could or couldn’t interact with, who he could or couldn’t be friends with or form relations with.  
Fuck Alex. Fuck his feelings. 
 “If he doesn’t deserve it then who? Who in your so high and mighty opinion is deserving of my attention HUH?” Jay questioned, placing his hand on Alex’s chest, ready to shove him, hell maybe he was going to punch him.  Alex opened his mouth, before he shut it quickly. He seemed to be stuck in thought, brain stuttering on an answer, he looked mortified. Alex looked petrified of his real answer.  
How pathetic. 
 “Oh? Do you not have any words now? Hah, fuckin figures that there… wait… Wait wait wait.. Wait a damn minute!” Jay seemed to freeze up, tilting his head before snorting.  “Are you fucking Jealous? Are you mad that I’m dating Tim and not you?” Jay questioned, looking up to Alex who was currently looking like he wanted to be anywhere but there.  Alex took a few steps back, stumbling for a moment as his eyes became glossier, his breath caught in his throat as he shrunk in on himself, shoulders hunched up. Even if Alex was bigger then Jay he didn’t appear like it now.  “I… I..” Alex took another step backwards, his breathing became more erratic as he looked at his hands. He glanced up to meet Jay’s eyes for a split second before focusing on the ground again. Tears rolled down his cheeks as his shoulders hunched up further, nearly meeting his ears.  “ IS THAT REALLY IT?!?! OH MY GOD! WHAT ABOUT AMY?!? What about you and her? Huh? Are you not happy with her? Are you mad that I’m not Amy? Or… Or is it that you pretend that she’s me? ” Jay sneered out, venom dripping from his words as he continued to close the distance, glaring at Alex.  He gave Alex’s chest a hard poke before shoving him. His eyebrow twitched in anger. How dare he say all these cruel things about Tim. How dare he make Tim look like the bad guy all because he couldn’t help but be jealous of their relationship. All because he didn’t have the guts to tell him.  Maybe it had been a bad idea to get close to Alex again.  “Nonono, Shut up, shut up, shut up Shut Up, SHUT THE FUCK UP!!!! DON’T YOU BRING HER INTO THIS!!! This isn’t… this isn’t about her!!” Alex sputtered out, anger contorting his face as he shoulders began to shake, he no longer looked scared.  His eyes wouldn’t meet Jay’s as he seemed to think out his next words.  “Shut.. shut up!! I.. I don’t.. I’m not a fuckin faggot like you!! I love Amy!! I’ve always loved her!! I’m not like you!!” Alex growled out, his voice shook with anger as he shoved Jay as hard as possible, watching him stumble back.  Alex threw a punch, connecting with Jay’s jaw sending him back another few steps. His foot caught on the other and he fell back into the grass and pine needles. Not once did Jay break eye contact with Alex. He only moved to hold his hands out behind him to catch himself better. Pain skyrocketed when his shoulders had jumped when he had made contact with the ground.  Jay didn’t move, he didn’t say a word as he sat there taking in what he had just heard. He glared at Alex. His mouth was open just a tad bit in shock that someone he had considered his friend would say that. Jay needed to say something but nothing ever came, he didn’t even realize he was crying until Alex froze up for a moment.  “Are you Crying?” Alex started, but was quickly cut off.  “What…? What the fuck!! What the fuck is wrong with you Alex?!?! WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU!!! WHEN DID YOU… WHEN DID YOU BECOME SUCH AN INSUFFERABLE PIECE OF SHIT?!?!” Jay sat there on the ground, voice becoming hoarse as he screamed at Alex. He didn’t even stand yet and Alex was shrinking in on himself.  “ When did you become so.. Sooo.. fucking intolerable? YOU’RE AN AWFUL FUCKING FRIEND!! GOD I FUCKING HATE YOU!! ” Jay screeched out, tears now cascading now his face, his breath caught in his throat and an angry sob tore from it.  “I’m the awful friend? What happened to all those years of friendship huh? What happened to trusting me?!?! Jay I…. I… WHAT HAPPENED TO THAT?” Alex tried to defend himself, taking a few steps forward. He tried to appear in control again, try being the key word.  Jay scoffed as a shaky laugh left him. He knew he must look deranged, like a mess.  “Trust you? Why would I ever fucking trust you when you’re acting like this?!?! Look at yourself Alex!! Look for a fucking minute would you? YOU WOULDN’T TELL ME WHAT WAS WRONG!! AND.. HAH.. Fuck you, fuck you.. FUCK YOU!! YOU NEED HELP!! YOU NEED SERIOUS FUCKING HELP!!” Jay snarled out, urging his words out as he slowly started to get up. Pushing himself off of the ground.  He would finish this fight, he would win this fight.  “This is all Tim’s fault!!! ALL OF THIS!! HE’S THE REASON WE’RE FIGHTING!!! HE’S TRYING TO ALIENATE YOU!! HE’S… HE’S GOING TO FUCKING HURT YOU JAY!!! HE’S..” Alex tried to pin the blame onto Tim again, he got cut off rather quickly.  Jay finished getting up, he stormed towards Alex. Anger… he was shaking in anger as he glared up to him.  “SHUT YOUR FUCKING MOUTH BEFORE I MAKE YOU!! NONE OF THIS IS HIS FAULT!! KEEP HIS NAME OUT OF YOUR MOUTH!!” Jay snapped, straightening out instead of his constant hunch, trying to intimidate Alex, trying to make him regret his decisions. Trying to show he was serious.  “Or what!! Huh? How would you make me?!?! HUH?? In case you forgot Jay!! I was always the one who fought your fights!! Not you!! NO.. No no noo, You’re tooo fucking scrappy and a pansy to land a fuckin hit!!” Alex towered over Jay. He glared down at him as if he was better.  Jay snapped, he had been holding back, he didn’t like hurting people. He would rather not hurt someone. But…But Alex kept pushing and pushing and now it was either Alex or him and he wasn’t going to fall off the edge because of him. Maybe it was all the hatred he had bubbling up, maybe it was the resentment that finally boiled over. Maybe he just had enough.  He threw a punch as hard as he could into Alex’s jaw, watching as his eyes widened in shock, he knew to expect for Alex to return it but it didn’t keep his head from snapping to the side when Alex socked him. Alex quickly started to shove at his chest, hitting it with all his might, not letting up even as Jay started to wheeze out and into a coughing fit.  Jay finally caught his footing and socked Alex again, sending his glasses flying to god knows where. Alex looked baffled, Jay took that opening. He tackled him to the ground, straddling his chest as he grabbed Alex by the jaw. He glared down at him.  Blood dripped from his face down onto Alex’s, splattering against his pale skin, the bonfire that had been going was illuminating the side of Alex’s face, flames catching in his eyes as he looked up at him.  Jay threw another punch watching as Alex’s head jerked to the side with it. He tried to stop the sob that was crawling from his throat. He didn’t want to be angry, he didn’t want to hurt him. But.. But… He choked on the sob and his shoulders shook. His body was wracked with a mixture of sobs and coughs.  “You’ve been.. You have been supportive of me after all these years!!! You were my number one!! MINE!! My only… My only fucking friend for soo longg!! You showed me that it was okay, that It was okay to be myself!!! YOU STOOD UP FOR ME!!!! YOU SAID IT DIDN’T MATTER!! AND NOW WHAT… and.. And now what? Was this all just some lie? Huh?” Jay screamed out, voice breaking as tears rolled down his cheek and onto Alex’s face.  He tightened his grip on Alex’s jaw as his lip split open again, blood pooled in his mouth and dripped down, trailing across his face. Jay used his free hand to wipe at his lip trying to get it to stop.  “Jay… I.. I.. No, no no I’m not..” Alex tried to reason with Jay, he tried to reassure him, even despite their fight.  “NO!! NO! YOU’RE GOING TO ANSWER ME!! WAS THIS ALL SOME LIE?!?! ALEX!!! WAS THIS REALLY HOW YOU FELT ALL THESE YEARS!?!? WERE YOU!! WERE…. Were you actually disgusted of me … Was this.. This… was it all just some lie to get into my pants? One big plan, Get into the faggot tranny’s pants? Huh? Did you, Was I just a freak this whole time?!?! Did you.. DID YOU EVER CARE ABOUT ME?!?! ABOUT MY FEELINGS?!?!” Jay’s voice broke, his hands were shaking and he barely had a hold on Alex. He threw a half assed punch.  Alex didn’t stop it, he could’ve. Jay knew he could’ve and that just made the rage build up, Alex wasn’t taking him seriously. Alex had lost this fight.  “ANSWER ME ALEX!! FUCKING ANSWER ME!! DID I EVER REALLY MATTER TO YOU? OR WAS I THERE TO MAKE YOU LOOK BETTER??” Jay sobbed out, his eyes were wide despite the tears that wouldn’t stop, he searched Alex’s face.  Would it show anything? Would it show remorse? What was he even searching for? He was terrified. It had always been a small voice in the back of his mind that Alex never cared and now it all came bubbling up. Alex opened his mouth but nothing came out, and that was enough for Jay. He slammed his fists into the ground next to Alex, he stumbled up and off of him. Jay left him laying there, covered in both of their blood. He glanced at the glasses that had landed near his camera. He had a sick feeling in his stomach when he noticed the red flashing light on the camera… His All Seeing Eye had caught it all.  Jay made it to his car and drove home… He could stop the tears, he really tried to. He took it slow and took the backroads. His vision was blurry when he finally arrived home. He should’ve gone to Tim’s house. He should’ve confided in his boyfriend, but. But he couldn’t bring himself to see the look on his face.  He was exhausted, he was in pain and he was terrified. Jay was terrified, if Alex truly thought of him as disgusting, if Alex could betray him like that, could Tim? Would Tim? Who was he kidding, Tim deserved more than Jay.  Jay rested his head against his steering wheel for a moment, trying to ignore the blood that was definitely still seeping out of his nose and onto the leather. He tried to ignore how light headed it was making him. Tried to ignore how it was broken and how he should probably go into an ER to get it fixed, not to mention his split lip and whatever else Alex had done to him. His ears wouldn’t stop ringing and he had a cough nestled in the back of his throat. After what felt like an eternity Jay got out of his car, locking it up before walking up the stairs and to his apartment door, he just needed to sleep now. He was just gonna go in and straight to bed. He’d deal with whatever in the morning. He let out a shaky breath as he opened the door, he reached up to wipe the blood from his nose again, his camera was in his hoodie pocket. He turned around to lock the door, the world felt bleary.  It all felt so far away, it all felt so fake. He just needed to be alone, just wanted to curl up in his bed and disappear. He had been far too out of it he supposed because as he turned the corner and into the living room with a clear view of the kitchen there was Tim. Tim had been doing the dishes that he had been meaning to do. Tim was in his house and not at his. Tim wasn’t supposed to see him like this. Tim had turned around words on the tip of his tongue before he froze up at the sight of Jay, eyes widening. He dropped the plate he had been washing.  It shattered into what felt like a million pieces. Maybe it would feel good to do that on purpose.  “Ja.. Jay? Jay oh my god… Oh My God!! What happened, oh my god!!” Tim rushed out, quickly moving around the shattered plate and pulling Jay into a tight hug, letting out a shaky sigh as he ran his hand up and down Jay’s back.  Jay wanted to relax into Tim he wanted to give in. He wanted to soak in all of his touch, all of his love. He could smell Tim’s cologne, he could smell his menthols, he could smell his own shampoo in Tim’s hair. “Jay, What? What happened?” Tim questioned as he held his jaw on top of Jay’s shoulder, squeezing him close, seemingly not caring about the blood that was getting on his shirt.  “Nothing.” Jay whispered, his voice cracked as he willed the tears away. He didn’t want to be touched anymore. He wanted away from the comfort. He didn’t need comfort, he didn’t want to be around anyone. He felt disgusting.  “Jay! You are bleeding, it’s not nothing!! Is your nose broken? Oh god your lip and eye. Oh god Jay! What happened?” Tim urged as he pulled away to look him over, fingers gently running across his bruised face.  Jay wanted to lean into it, instead he leaned away, taking a step back.  “Just, Just leave me alone!! Okay?! If I wanted to have your help I would’ve gone to your place! I don’t need your pity, I’m not weak!” Jay snapped out, trying to remove himself further from Tim as he grabbed onto his wrist. “What? No… Jay, No. This isn't.. That’s not.. What the fuck happened? I’m your boyfriend! I’m worried, please tell me. Who did this to you?” Tim questioned, voice full of worry, full of fear for his boyfriend.  “Just fuckin leave it, and leave me alone.” Jay tried to back up, pulling on Tim’s grip. He wanted to escape, he had flight as his form of defense. He always ran from his problems. It was what he did best.  “No, I’m not.. If you wanted someone who would just leave you when you asked. Well you picked the wrong person. What happened?” Tim had a small sneer forming on his face as he pushed for Jay to answer him.  “Fucking… Fine, You wanna know so badly? I listened to your advice. I listened to your oh so high and mighty advice, Mr. Oh so great and wise Hawk. I listened. Alex needed to shut his dirty mouth and I made him.” Jay snarled out, he hadn’t meant for the blame to shift into his tone. He didn’t really blame Tim but it felt easier.  Jay felt the tears rolling down his cheeks again, he quickly wiped them away as well as the blood that was trailing from his split lip and nose. He hadn’t even realized the blood that was dripping from his eyebrow… not until Tim glanced up to it.  “What? Jay.. I… What did he do? Did you..?” Tim looked at him with such concern, with worry and fear.  Something about that made his stomach roll and for a mixture of rage and disgust to rise and bubble up.  “Why does it fucking matter? Hah, I mean fuck. He bad mouthed you, So I rocked his shit, Just as you said. Just as you taught me too. He needed to shut the fuck up so I made him. Never was my friend anyways.” Jay seethed, not even trying to hide his anger anymore, he didn’t try to hide his insinuation that Tim was to blame for the fight.  “What?” Tim questioned, his mouth opened a little as he looked Jay over, head tilted in confusion. His eyebrows started to furrow after a moment as a frown formed on his face. “What was that?” “What? What was What? The fact that I wouldn’t have known how to throw a punch or had the idea to even fight back if it wasn’t for you or are you talking about that bastard not being my friend?” Jay snarled, he was tired. His head felt thick and he needed to sit down. If he could just get Tim to get away from him.  “I’m gonna ignore that, You aren’t thinking clearly right now obviously. One, I can pick my own fucking battles, Do not fight them for me. I don’t care what Alex thinks about me. Haven’t for a while. Two. What do you mean? What… What do you mean by Alex isn’t your friend.. What happened tonight Jay? Don’t you dare think about bullshitting me.” Tim’s voice took on a stern tone, demanding the information from Jay and he felt on the edge of breaking down.  Tim glared at him, crossing his arms, waiting for an answer and if Jay knew one thing… Tim was patient. “It doesn’t matter, It doesn’t, not for you. Alex is a piece of shit, you were right he’s not a good friend and he doesn’t deserve anything. I’d fuckin like it a lot better if you just left it alone and while your at it left me alone.” Jay was trying to push Tim away, he wobbled slightly where he stood, the light from the kitchen was starting to hurt his eyes.  “It does matter actually. It fucking does, Whether you like it or not I’m going to care about you Jay. Whether or not you realize it, I’m always going to be in your corner. God fuck, You are insufferable sometimes. A real fuckin prick. I love you Jay! Do you not realize that? I want to help you, Not out of pity but love!! Christ. Can I not worry about my boyfriend without being accused?” Tim snapped out, he shook slightly as his face started to turn red.  “No! I can handle things on my own!! I don’t need your help, I don’t need anyones. I’m not weak!” Jay tried, he urged the words out as a strangled sound crawled from his throat as his chest started to heave. Jay really needed to sit down. The ringing was getting louder and his head was killing him. Everything was too bright and the blood was still trickling down from his nose, from his eyebrow, his lip. He was light headed and dizzy.  “Christ Jay, I never said you were!! I just… Love, What happened? You’ve always defended him!! Always said he was your best friend and he was going through a rough patch. So.. I’m going to ask one more time. What happened tonight? Did he do that to you?” Tim ordered, looking daggers into him as he took a step forward.  Jay took a step back as his throat felt tight, no no no.. He shouldn’t be feeling like this, he shouldn’t be shaking. He wasn’t weak, he didn't need Tim.. he didn’t… He. He let out a pathetic noise, a sob ripped itself from him.  “Yes! He did okay? What do you want me to say? That my best friend since middle school berated me? Is that what you want Tim? Called me a fucking faggot? Said that my boyfriend was a fucking psychopath? That everyone leaves me, that you’re alienating me? What? What is that what you want me to say huh Tim? I …. I.” His voice cracked as he fell back into sobs, he started to fall and he hated how Tim rushed him, grabbing his arms to hold him up.  “Do you want me to tell you how much that all hurt? How he was just using me to look better? That he never accepted me? How when he said that I was a fucking pansy that I had to prove him wrong so I hit him and kept hitting him? How about how.. How.. how he was never truly my friend, that he was just trying to get into this freaks pants?” Jay sobbed out, his words fumbled and blurred together as he said them. “IS THAT IT TIM? IS THAT WHAT YOU WANT?” Jay screamed out hiccuping on a sob as he collapsed against Tim, part of him was pushing at him trying to get away the other part of him was just so exhausted.  “Jay…” Tim whispered, squeezing him as he held him close.  “No! Don’t don’t, don’t Jay me! Is that what you wanted to hear? How I suffered?” Jay questioned, unsure if he was trying to push Tim away or keep him close.  “NO! God No! That’s not what I want to hear! I never want you to suffer!! I never want you to be stuck with people who don’t deserve you!! Who don’t deserve your energy! I NEVER WANT YOU TO SUFFER!! Fuck Alex! Fuck anything he says!! I want you to be happy and healthy!! I want you to know you are loved! ” Tim urged, slowly guiding the two of them to be sitting on the floor.  Tim let Jay fall apart in his arms, Tim let him sit there and cry it all out.  It felt like forever before he looked up and when he did it didn’t look like Tim… It was Tim but… But there was something wrong.  His eyebrows were furrowed and he had this look of disgust on his face, he looked absolutely disgusted by Jay.  “Tim?” Jay questioned, voice wavering slightly as he looked past them and there was a pale white hand slipping into his sight, static was loud and when he looked back Tim was wearing that mask.  “I hate you, you’re Disgusting, a Monster and a fucking Freak. Everyone does leave you Jay. Because everyone you touch dies. You are insufferable and I pity anyone that ever has loved you. I have never.. NEVER loved you. You’re sick. Just as sick as Alex. Really... You know that though don’t you. You’re a Psychopath. It should’ve been you and not Brian. You know that.” Tim snarled out from behind the mask, except it was garbled, it sounded like it went through a blender and it hurt him. It made him feel sick.  === Jay jolted awake, he was holding his chest as he looked through the wall in front of him. Tears were cascading down his cheeks like a river. He couldn’t stop shaking and he couldn’t catch his breath. He was hyperventilating and he was starting to get light headed. Oh god, oh god, oh god. Jay glanced over to his left, Tim… Tim was still there, Tim wasn’t yelling at him, Tim wasn’t wearing that mask or saying cruel things. Tim wasn’t mad. Tim was sleeping still, and.. And Tim deserved to. Jay had woken him up all too often with nightmares, it was honestly getting to the point where he knew one of these times Tim would say something, urge him to go see someone about it.  Even if Jay wanted Tim’s comfort he wouldn’t, no he couldn’t wake him up. Tim needed sleep. Even if they had just had a conversation about it, he wanted Tim to sleep well. Jay’s eyes flickered around the room before settling on the carton of cigarettes. They had been trying to make a carton last for at least two days. They had tried for three but between the two of them… Needless to say it didn’t work out. But… But he needed one right now. Jay needed something now. He slipped out of the bed, careful to avoid the squeaky spots on the floor, this motel had a window that opened. He still couldn’t catch his breath even if he tried the breathing techniques Tim had taught him. All too quickly Jay was leaning halfway out the window, cigarette between his lips as he took deep breaths. He could breathe again, that was one of the biggest perks in his mind. His reasoning as to why he liked to smoke. If he was ever hyperventilating, smoking a cigarette usually helped. After all, he couldn't hyperventilate and get the sweet nicotine buzz. Jay rested his head against his hands, he flicked the ashes off his cigarette as a shaky sigh escaped from his lips.  This was okay, He was okay.  Tim wouldn’t say that stuff. He wouldn’t then and he wouldn’t now… he hoped. It was just a nightmare. It was just a nightmare. Alex wouldn’t have been that cruel right? It was just his paranoia and over active imagination filling in the blanks he needed, right? None of that happened. It was just a nightmare. Alex wasn’t here, he couldn’t hurt Tim, He couldn’t hurt him.  Jay felt his shoulders hunch slightly at the sound of the sheets behind him rustling. He didn’t want to turn around, he couldn’t, the lump was still in his throat and he could feel the tears still rolling down his cheeks. He brought the cigarette to his lips again, letting the nicotine work its magic. He knew Tim was awake, he knew he was watching him.  He knew, Tim knew.  “Jay? Why’re you up?” Tim mumbled out, his hand reached out from the bed and gently grazed Jay’s bare leg.  “Figured a code out, needed a smoke…” Jay whispered, cringing at how his voice cracked. He was always a terrible liar, he reached up to wipe the tears from his face.  He couldn’t let Tim see him like this.  “Jay…” Tim whispered, and Jay could hear how the bed creaked and the fabric rustled.  “No, I’m fine… I’m fine, Go back to bed, You need the sleep. I promise I’m fine.” Jay whispered, reaching up to cover his mouth with the back of his hand.

His shoulders jumped up, knocking at the sides of his head as two arms wrapped around his waist, soon the warmth of Tim joined him. Tim’s jaw was resting on his shoulder as he hummed gently. Soft, slow breaths left him, he didn’t say anything. No, Tim just held onto him. Jay couldn’t, wouldn’t dare to look behind. Instead he focused on the street in front of them, below them. Tears were bubbling up every time he thought he was done. The cigarette was coming to an end and he didn’t want to lose his excuse. “I, I know you said you were fine. But… But I had this bad dream just now. Well, I suppose it was more odd than bad. Hah, You and I were at my apartment, back in college. Everything was how it was supposed to be I guess. We were cracking jokes, and uh… We were watching some movie? But then everything was wrong?” Tim whispered, resting his head against Jay’s back, not trying to get him to move, just holding him.  “How was it wrong? I mean, that sounds like a good dream to me?” Jay questioned taking one last hit of the cigarette before stubbing it out, offering the carton to Tim. “It was, that was good. No.. No I don’t need one right now, Thank you though Jaybird. It was wrong though. Because, you weren’t speaking anymore? Like I could see your mouth moving, but nothing was coming out… Kinda like how the tapes have had some of the sound removed? It was like that, and then Alex was there but he didn’t look like how he did back then? He looked like how he does now. But then there was some weird like… thing? In the corner? It was like a cartoon or something?” Tim was rambling on before a soft snort left him and he nuzzled into Jay’s back a bit more, leaning into him.  Jay couldn’t help the laugh that escaped him at the way Tim described his dream towards the end.  “That sounds odd, You were right..” Jay trailed off, looking down to the hands around his waist. He leaned back into Tim letting his eyes shut for just this moment.  Was this friendly? Was this just one’s worry for another beating heart? Was this them being close friends? Was this his mind being fogged over the past and seeing what he wanted? Or did…Or was there a chance that Tim felt the same?  “Hey Tim?” Jay whispered, enjoying the warmth of the other. Enjoying Tim’s comfort.  “Hey Jay?” Tim whispered in a teasing tone. He shifted how he stood, holding onto Jay a bit tighter, his lips were right next to Jay’s ear now.  “I…” Jay trailed off looking up to the ceiling could he? Should he? ‘I love you and you make me feel so human in this whole mess. I want to kiss you and feel your lips on mine. Are they as soft as they look? Do you taste like mint and cigarettes? We used to be something before this all and I wonder if you still feel the same… I understand if you don’t’ “You?” Tim questioned, pulling Jay out of his thoughts. Pulling him out of his internal confession. “Thank you, Thank you.. I… I feel better. I just, I had a night..” Jay was quickly cut off.  “I know, You don’t have to explain it to me Jaybird, let's get some sleep yeah?” Tim whispered, slowly pulling Jay away from the window.  Jay couldn’t stop the smile that pulled on his lips as Tim turned him around. Soft, strong hands pulled the carton of cigarettes and lighter from his hand. Soft, strong hands shut and locked the window before pulling him back to the bed. Soft, strong hands wiped the remaining tears away.  Soft, strong hands carded their fingers through his hair and rubbed circles onto his back.  Jay opened his eyes and there was Tim. Deep brown eyes staring back into his, full of what might be love. What might be adoration.  Jay’s breath hitched and he reached his own hand up, long nimbly fingers cupped Tim’s cheek.Jay loved Tim, he would do anything for him. Fuck it. This all meant something did it not?  Jay leaned forward and Tim met him half way. Long, nimbly fingers intertwined with Tim’s thick, shorter fingers. It was soft, and they were both exhausted. It wasn’t anything other than chaste. Adoration pooled from them, seeped out of their seams.  Soft, strong hands lulled him back to sleep, moving Jay’s head to rest on his chest. Long, nimbly fingers ran through Tim’s hair as he fell asleep.

----- CHAPTER BREAK -----

Jay awoke with a groan, his head felt thick and stuffed with cotton. Why did he feel the pressure around his skull that seemed to come to him at the worst of times? Jay slowly opened his eyes until he could look around. There was Tim. Tim was next to him and asleep, his arms wrapped around Jay. His eyebrows furrowed for a bit before relaxing. Jay shifted a bit, finding the comfortable position he had before he woke up. He wrapped his arm around Tim and let his eyes slip shut again. 
 
They had a few more days at this motel, he didn’t need to wake up early today, he could rest. They could rest and relax. Jay could pretend that this was normal and they were on some vacation. He would take what he could get. Sleep was pulling at him the longer he left his eyes closed until it caught him. 
 
When Jay had woken up again it was because Tim was shifting in his spot. Jay opened his eyes looking up to him through a sleepy haze, a yawn escaped him as he turned to look around them. Tim looked down to Jay with a smile before he laid back in bed.

“G’mornin.” Jay mumbled, voice sleepy and a bit raspy. 
 
“Mornin BlueJay,” Tim whispered, moving his hand to run his fingers through Jay’s hair.

Jay couldn’t help but lean into the touch, sleep did funny things to him. He didn’t worry as much, he did what he wanted rather than listen to that voice of his anxiety… Or maybe it was his voice of reason. 
 
—
 
The days that Jay had enjoyed, those days of rest and slowly feeling safe in Tim’s arms, in that motel in Mississippi. Now they were driving to go to Alex’s old house. 
 
It had been a few days since that night they had… 
 
Tim didn’t bring up the kiss the next morning and so neither did Jay. Why would he? Maybe it had been a dream after all. Maybe the entire night was a dream. Maybe Jay never really did wake up and smoke a cigarette and then kiss Tim… Or maybe he did. Maybe he did wake up and lay back in bed with Tim. Maybe they did kiss or maybe that’s when he started dreaming. 
 
All Jay knew was that if Tim wasn’t going to say anything he wouldn’t. It was better to be safe rather than sorry. He couldn’t push and prod and see if Tim remembered it or if it had just been him being hopeful. Jay couldn’t ruin whatever the two of them had because of something that might’ve been a dream. 
 
Jay still had to finish the Student film. He had to finish it and he planned on telling Tim after. If Tim hated him, if Tim was disgusted that was fine. Jay just… he needed closure. He trusted Tim. He truly trusted him with his whole being, well… The tiny things he didn’t tell Tim about wouldn’t kill them. 
 
The two of them were exhausted from driving back from Mississippi, not to mention all the way back towards Alex’s house. One night in the car surely wouldn’t hurt anything. It wasn’t the first time either of them slept in the car. It wouldn’t be the last but things felt more tense. They would lock all the doors and would sleep in the front seats next to each other like nothing could go wrong. 
 
Something

could

go wrong. A million things could go wrong. The Student Film, that stupid film that he created in college. What if Tim saw him watching it? What if they kissed again? Would that lead to Jay finally breaking and confessing? What would happen? Everything could go wrong. If it all went wrong what would happen?
 
Jay was terrified… no no. Jay was petrified. His paranoia was at an all time high. He

knew

, Jay just knew things weren’t right with him. Jay was starting to hallucinate, he was seeing things, starting to hear things. He knew he was following in the pattern that Tim had told him. Jay was following in his footsteps. He was losing chunks of time and he kept all of that from Tim. 
 
Maybe if he didn’t talk about it they would go away? 
 
No. 
 
No. Jay knew that wasn’t the case, but a man could dream couldn’t he? For now he just wanted to pretend that everything was fine. That they were fine. That this was just him and his friend going on some stupid road trip vacation. Jay needed to pretend that they didn’t just kiss and that they weren’t getting closer and closer to what felt like the end of it all. 
 
Maybe Jay should’ve been happy that they were coming to the end of this. It might mean that they could be normal again, that Jay and Tim could live in some house free from that thing in the woods. But… But Jay had this feeling of impending doom. That the end would cause pain. He couldn’t stop seeing what could happen anytime he looked at Tim. Anytime they clung to each other in the night, anytime they interlaced their fingers. 
 
Jay’s biggest fear was losing Tim and being alone. Jay was terrified that his bad luck would spread and kill Tim. 
 
Jay could always count on their routine to keep himself level headed or at least mostly. Jay always drove in the mornings, and Tim always drove at night. It was one of their many routines. Jay had to try to find things to busy himself with when neither of them felt like talking. Jay busied himself with counting all the signs they passed, all of the cars that they passed by. Which wasn’t that many at the end of the day. They always took the least busy streets.
 
The both of them felt more comfortable taking the longer way. Always felt more comfortable avoiding the busy streets. Always felt more comfortable when they could avoid traffic. Traffic and busy streets caused stress, stress led to many things that didn’t help them in their situation. 
 
The sun had started to set and Jay found himself staring at Tim out of the corner of his eye. The bright oranges and soft, dull pinks that danced across his face as they drove past trees made his stomach flip. 
 
Jay’s favorite time of the day was when the sun would set.

Tim was so beautiful. 
 
How was Jay supposed to expect for Tim to like him back? Especially when he was a gangly, bag of bones. Jay was too much of everything and nothing. And then… And then there was Tim, looking like the perfect movie star. 
 
Jay shook himself out of his thoughts. He was staring outside of his window, fingers gripping at his jeans. He glanced over to Tim and then to the road. 
 
“We should probably pull over? Y’know? Uhm, get some fresh air. Maybe we can smoke and relax some outside before we get all ready for bed? I… I mean I know it’s gonna take us longer to fall asleep… And even then, one of us will probably wake up to check the locks.. Or.. or from a nightmare.” Jay rambled on, his shoulders jumped as Tim reached over and took his hand, interlacing their fingers. 
 
“Relax Jay, I was already looking for somewhere nice to pull over. You know one where the ditch isn’t a foot from the side of the road? We’ll be safe. We’re still a few hours from Alex’s. I’m here, I won’t let anything happen to you. Promise you, Alex’ll have to get through me to get to you.” Tim reassured as he squeezed Jay’s hand. 
 
Jay had watched Tim as he spoke. He focused on his eyes and he was glad he did cause Tim kept glancing at him. Getting a smile from Tim made Jay feel at ease. Or it should’ve. 
 
It felt all too intimate and comforting, in a half good half bad way. It made Jay’s stomach turn and yet it made him yearn for it. 
 
It felt safe…. Tim felt safe. 
 
How was Jay supposed to tell Tim he wasn’t afraid of something happening to himself? How could Jay tell Tim that he was scared something would happen to him? It would seem odd, It would throw a monkey wrench into something or another. It would mess up his plan to pretend he was fine. 
 
So Jay stayed quiet on his fears.

He didn’t want Tim to worry about him.

“Yeah, yeah you’re right. You’re right, I’ll help look.” Jay agreed, nodding his head as he kept his eyes trained for somewhere to pull over. 
 
Jay kept an eye out on the right side of the road for any spots that could be a decent pull off point. Somewhere that a passerby wouldn’t assume they had driven off in some form of accident. His eyes widened as he saw an opening up ahead. 
 
“Oh! Oh! Right up here!! Looks like a spot where we can kinda pull off and hide the car a bit!” Jay hummed as he pointed over the dash to a spot just up the road. 
 
Tim nodded as a soft laugh escaped him as he drove towards the pull off. Soon enough they had parked and Jay had guessed right. There were a few bushes and a tree and just beyond that had been a decently clear spot for them to park their car. 
 
“Good find Jaybird! Good find. Alrighty, Let’s get ready for tonight and then we can figure out what to do till it gets dark yeah?” Tim questioned, still holding Jay’s hand. 
 
“Sounds like a plan. I can get the blankets out of the back, annnd the food we got at the gas station if you wanna shift the seats back a bit?” Jay questioned as he unlocked and started to open his door. 
 
Jay didn’t really want to let go of Tim’s hand, but… But he’d have more time to hold it later. It seemed like Tim had started to hold his hand more often at night, holding onto his arm too. Jay had to assume it was because of the fear of Jay leaving. Or maybe it was due to the fact that both of them had memory gaps, and deep down Tim had to know Jay was following in his footsteps. 
 
“Yeah, Yeah we can do that. Did you wanna smoke? We can sit on the trunk or just lay back in the grass and wait for the moon to rise.” Tim hummed as he slowly slipped his hand out of Jay’s.
 
“Yeah, that sounds nice. Sounds like a real good idea. Then we can like… eat our dinner out there too. It’ll be nice, especially after being cramped in the car for so long.” Jay agreed as he pulled his own hand back to himself.

Jay followed the plan, he grabbed their blankets tossing them in the front seats before digging around and finding the bag that had their food. It wasn’t a lot. Just what they’d need for tonight. They planned on getting groceries after this all. After Alex’s they would find a place to settle for a few days. 
 
Jerky, Peanuts, two shitty gas station sandwiches and two bottles of water. 
 
Jay looked over to Tim as he finished shifting their seats back as far as they would. Tim was standing in front of Jay now, pulling the blanket from his seat before holding his arm out. A lopsided grin spread across his face. 
 
“Shall we go lay this down by the tree and watch the sunset as we eat our fine dinner?” Tim questioned, looking up to Jay as if he was the most important thing in the world. 
 
Jay couldn’t stop the grin that spread across his face as he looped his arm around Tim’s and let him lead the way. 
 
“I think we shall, It’s truly so nice out here Dear Hawk.” Jay let out a soft laugh as he looked over to Tim.
 
This was how he wanted to live, he wanted to be okay. Jay wanted to live and be happy with Tim. No matter how their relationship was. Whether Tim felt the same or if they were to be just friends. 
 
Tim only let go of Jay’s arm to lay out the blanket and then sit down. He held his hand out for Jay to take. Who would Jay be if he did not take it? Jay slowly sat next to Tim, spreading their dinner out on the blanket in front of them. This was what they liked and this might’ve been the only time it felt like an actual dinner and not some cheap snack. 
 
Jay knocked his shoulder into Tim’s. Tim knocked his shoulder into Jay’s. 
 
—
 
Jay looked over to Tim occasionally, their dinner had long been eaten and now they were sharing a cigarette or two. Tim was laid back next to him taking his turn with the cigarette. Meanwhile Jay was flicking the light out of a nervous habit. Five times before letting the flame start. 
 
Tim propped himself up with one arm. His eyes were wide as he choked on a gasp. He held the cigarette between two fingers as he narrowed his eyebrows. Jay looked up curious as to what was happening. 
 
“Tim?” Jay questioned eyebrows raised as he tilted his head. 
 
“I just… That;s the damndest thing, I just remembered something Jay.” Tim whispered, shifting how he sat to look at Jay better. 
 
“Hmm? What’s that Hawk?” Jay hummed as he propped himself up on one arm, mirroring Tim now as he took the cigarette from him. 
 
“Well, It’s more of a feeling I guess? Uh… I think it was us? We were in some… some meadow? Some area? The grass was tall, it might’ve been by one of the sets? But uhm, but we were laughing/ The two of us.” Tim stopped to smile as he looked up into the tree as if he could still see it in front of him, around him. 
 
“We were listening to the morning doves… And… And music. There was music. Uhm… You pointed what I thought was a hawk or… uhm, Yeah no a hawk. But it was a Blue Jay. It’s oddly fitting thinking about it… But it was nice… It was really, really nice. I-I I think it’s one of the only good memories I have from college? One of the only good ones that was near that place. It was… Gods. No. No, there was more. Where did it go?” Tim rambled on, words leaving him with a sigh as he smiled, remembering the past with happiness for once.
 
Tim eyebrows furrowed and a frown fell onto his face as he lost the memory. He balled his hand up into a fist before gently hitting it on his thigh. 
 
“Damn.” He cursed before rubbing at his face. 
 
Jay finished taking his hit of the cigarette before passing it over, mimicking how Tim had done it that one day. He put his thumb under Tim’s lip and pressed the cigarette against his lips until he took it from him. Jay ran his finger over Tim’s cheek, a sigh leaving him. 
 
“We can do that again someday. That sounds real lovely. Real nice. Once this is all over. Once this is all over… Maybe we can do that again, yeah? Just us, maybe some dog or cat? Sit in the grass and smoke. I wouldn’t mind listening to birds with you again, correcting you on a few… I’d love to. Especially just being able to watch as the word goes on, see how nature goes on around us. Like now… I wanna do this again with you.” Jay hummed, slipping his hand down and intertwining their fingers, squeezing Tim’s hand after a moment. 
 
“I will have to hold you to that Blue Jay. Someday when we have a dog. And it will be a dog, cause I don’t like cats. We can go out, find a meadow and just relax. Hell maybe we’ll break this nasty smoking habit of ours?” Tim chuckled as he finished the cigarette, stubbing it out. 
 
Jay let out a soft laugh as he nodded, moving to lay back against the blanket. Jay had thought Tim was pretty in the car but he couldn’t stop looking at him now. The patterns of the leaves stippling the setting sun from his face. His hair was a bit messy, falling this way and that from running his fingers through it so often. 
 
—
 
Jay looked over to the driver's side, a small smile on his face. There was Tim. They had his ipod on, nearly silent but enough to give some sound. And well, it was safer to have something going and have it turn to static then to sit in silence. Unknowing. 
 
Not knowing was the worst thing for them.
 
Tim looked so peaceful as he slept, Jay’s hand was held captive by Tim as he slept. Their fingers had long been interlaced. Jay had his laptop out, headphones on as he pulled up the film. 
 
His Senior Project.
 
Jay was on the last stretch of it. End was in sight and then he could tell Tim. They would get through this together. They would figure it out, and… And if  it came down to it. Jay would sacrifice himself for Tim. Tim meant so much to him. Maybe he meant something to Tim. 
 
After Alex’s. After, he would sit Tim down and have him watch it. He wanted, no he needed to know if Tim felt the same. If that kiss was just his imagination, his hope. If he dreamt it or if it really did mean something and was real. 
 
Jay turned his attention away from Tim and to his laptop, he could do this. His thumb pressed the space bar and it started up where he had left off. 
 
===

===
 
The music was louder than before. This time it was different from all of the other scenes, the other clips. They were photos, and they weren’t going all too fast. But if one were to blink they’d miss a photo. It was fast enough for it to be hard to tell what was going on right away. But by the fourth or fifth it was easy. 
 
They were Birthday photos. 
 
A cake in front of a little kid, a little boy. A grin from ear to ear, his hair was long. And in the next photo it was chopped short and awkwardly, a self done one for sure. Five, Six, Seven, Eight, Nine, Ten, Eleven, Twelve, Thirteen, Fourteen, Fifteen, Sixteen, Seventeen, Eighteen, Nineteen, Twenty. 
 
Each photo was different, the little boy was growing. Two adults were always in the photos until the Eleventh one. Then there was another boy, both had big grins that spread across their faces. The two of them got closer in each photo after that. They grew into their own people, it was far too clear by the Sixteenth photo that the other boy was Alex. Hell, if you looked close enough it might’ve been noticeable by the Fourteenth photo. 
 
They were always hugging, or had their arms slung around each other in those later photos. 
 
Jay and Alex. Proof of their long time friendship. 
 
In the Seventeenth, Eighteenth, Nineteenth and Twentieth photo there had been a third boy who joined them. He seemed a bit more awkward or maybe Shy the Jay or Alex had been. Glasses pushed up and his hair was a wild mess of curls. Seth. It was Seth. 
 
By the Twenty First photo there were more people. One’s easily recognizable from the rest of the film. 
 
There was Brian, and Tim, Seth and Sarah, Alex and him. They were all so happy. 
 
They had just been a bunch of college students who got mixed up in the wrong things.
 
The last photo was of Jay and Tim alone. Just the two of them. They had their arms wrapped around each other and Jay was pressing a kiss to Tim’s cheek. 
 
And then it all changed, like a rug was ripped out from under the viewer. 
 
Jay appeared on screen again, this time it was a live scene, no longer were the photos of the past. He was sitting on the floor of his living room, a small cupcake with a singular candle in it. He looked down at the desert before looking up to the camera. 
 
The audio shifted to different voices singing Happy Birthday. Some from when Jay must’ve been younger, and then some from his college years. Then there was one.

Tim. Tim was singing happy birthday, and then even that faded out. 
 
“Happy Birthday I guess.” Jay hummed, eyes were glossy with tears threatening to fall. 
 
Right before the scene ended a single tear fell. 
 
The music stayed consistent as the scenes changed into something new. 
 
The camera was held steady as it always should’ve been as the viewer was brought along, walking a trail until it arrived at the old gazebo from the original marble hornets days. From back when it was just some shitty student film. 
 
Sounds of laughter filled the camera and like a ghost of the past there was the rest of the group. The rest of Jay’s friends, almost unnoticeable. Their transparency must’ve been turned way down. It left them faded, like an old photo long forgotten in the sun. 
 
The camera was sat down and Jay walked into frame, looking around before moving to where his ghost was standing. Alone. The rest disappeared. 
 
This time when the camera cut it was already set in place. This place hadn’t been shown before, not in the film. The ghosts of the past were shown first, as they had been previously. It should’ve felt cramped but instead it felt normal, felt nice. Sarah, Tim, and Brian sat across from the camera, they laughed loudly as they talked to each other and well the others. Just in frame was Alex and Seth, meaning the person behind the camera had to be Jay. 
 
Of course it would be Jay. 
 
The words had been blurred out, they had been purposefully turned down to hide what had been said besides their laughter. The ghost of Jay shifted the camera slightly so he came into view, and at the same the present Jay had followed suit. Following the pattern previously shown. He sat alone in a booth looking down at his hands before he looked at the camera out of the corner of his eye. 
 
It cut to the next scene. The footsteps caused the camera to be less steady as the camera man walked underneath the pine trees, pine needles crunched each step. Soon enough it showed a campfire. 
 
Just as it had with the Gazebo, just as it had with the diner. It showed the ghosts of Jay’s past. All of his friends were laughing and making jokes as they roasted marshmallows over the fire pit. They sipped on beers or were just singing along terribly to the song on someone’s ipod. 
 
Jay sat the camera down, giving an all too familiar position before entering the frame. He sat where his shadow, his ghost of the past, had. 
 
The camera cut and then it was filled with the sounds of shoes squeaking against linoleum, walking through the halls of a college all too familiar to anyone who would have been watching. The college, Jay’s college. The camera came to a halt, before it peeked inside a room before entering. It was the one Alex held auditions in. It was where Tim and Brian had been, it was where Sarah had been dragged in by Seth who knew Alex since high school. Jay had been sitting in the corner during all of the auditions. 
 
Jay set the camera down on the table pointing it right towards the door and then all too quickly it was showing the ghosts of his past again. Except this time they didn’t stay for very long, occasionally showing their faces. 
 
Sarah, giving her audition. She talked as if she were the character. Then it was Seth who looked a little disgruntled mumbling about how he only wanted to be a cameraman but they needed more actors. Of course he’d be pulled into the stupid film Alex made. Then there was Brian and his grin, a smile that should be on the screen, and well. It did in a sense, just not in the way it should’ve been. Tim was next, he was a bit shy at first before reading the lines. 
 
Alex came in and was talking about how he was the producer and director of his student film, and finally there was Jay. 
 
Jay came into frame both the ghost and his true self. The ghost of Jay’s past sat down first, cheeks red as he muttered about how this was stupid, that he was just the script supervisor and he’d been an extra if they needed him to be. 
 
Jay sat there on the same chair as his ghost until it disappeared. He sat there staring at the camera until it cut. 
 
When the view came back it showed a river, as the camera man jogged down the steep decline. He held the camera steady regardless, a true show of his understanding. Of his talent. The ghosts of the past, the happiness that was the friend group appeared again. They were barely visible but it had been Tim and Sarah sitting in view of Alex as he shot a scene. Brian and Seth were sitting off to the side joking around as they drank something or another, too faded to tell. Alex then called for cut and Tim looked in the camera’s direction, towards Jay and winked before walking over to him. Sarah went over with Alex towards Brian and Seth and their laughter grew louder. 
 
Jay set the camera down and came into view where his ghost had met Tim halfway. The ghosts had faded away far too quickly and it left Jay all alone once again.

The camera cut and it took a few moments before it started up again. It crackled for a split second before going back to normal. 
 
The camera was pointed at Alex who was carefully holding the camera, aiming it at Tim and Brian who sat on a set of stairs. It was a scene that they were going to use for Alex’s film Marble Hornets. Brian and Tim were supposed to be discussing things but they kept faltering and falling into fits of laughter. Alex seemed partially annoyed but quickly fell into laughter himself. The camera panned to the left catching Seth coming out of the cafe, holding a glass of water and more coffees. It caught onto Sarah who was sitting on the ground with both Rocky and Link. 
 
The camera was set down on the hood of a car and then Jay came out from behind it to meet Seth halfway, grabbing the coffees from him with a smile on his face as Seth set a cup down. 
 
This scene was just as faded as the rest and Jay stepped into frame from behind the camera as he had mimicked his ghost self, his past self. He glanced at the camera for a brief moment before sighing and looking at where his friends' ghosts had been. 
 
Alone again. 
 
It cut and then there was a soft crunching of footsteps on Gravel. Step, crunch, step, crunch, step, crunch. 
 
Alex’s house came into view, it zoomed in on the driveway. There was no car. Jay avoided anything that showed an address but he zoomed in on the front area, on the window and there were the ghosts again. 
 
Tim was leaning against the wall, Brian was bumping shoulders with Alex as he talked about something or another too muffled too faint to be heard by the viewers. Maybe it had meant to be unheard, maybe it hadn’t. Sarah was sitting on the step and Seth was playing with his dog. Jay was leaning next to Tim as he held a light for Tim to light his cigarette up on. 
 
The same lighter that had been found in the box from an earlier scene.
 
Jay set the camera down on the gravel before walking towards the spot where he stood. Where he once stood with Tim. He held the same lighter once again. He held it and flicked it on before glancing to the camera and there was that all too familiar shine in his eyes. Tears had been building up, they were glossy as he stayed silent. 
 
The ghosts disappeared and it quickly cut off. 
 
No tears were spilled this time. 
 
When it reappeared the scene showed Jay sitting in his own living room, glancing around where the ghosts of his friends had once sat. There was Brian, Tim, Seth, Sarah and.. And.. Alex. They were all faded out more so than before but they were still there. Everyone had been sat next to each other, hell there were the two dogs sitting on the floor by Jay’s foot. 
 
But as the ghosts disappeared all that was left was a cat. 
 
All that was left was Jay and Ripley.

“Loneliness is something that will hurt, you might never get used to it but you must adapt and learn to deal with it. Even if it breaks you apart. Sometimes it takes being alone to realize your mistakes.”

“You can’t always fix those mistakes though.. But… sometimes you can.”

When the camera was turned on again it showed the railroad tracks. It panned around the trees that surrounded them before returning to the railroad. There was Seth and Sarah on the sidelines, Tim wasn’t too far away from them. Alex was holding a camera pointing it at Brian who was walking carefully on the track, balancing on it. This was gonna be their first try, first shot of it. Once again the ghosts were slowly fading  by the second. Jay took a few steps back before the camera was set down, albeit a bit more shaky then it should’ve been. He appeared in frame and stood next to Tim, he pulled that damn lighter from his pocket. 
 
His ghost had and just like his ghost, just as his shadow he did as well. Lighting up Ghost Tim’s cigarette. 
 
The ghosts were gone and Jay was left with a lighter on. 
 
It cut and it stayed in that grey null till it reappeared. 
 
Jay walked with a soft jangle of keys, stopping at the spot where Tim worked, or at the very least its home base. Tim worked in construction throughout college. The camera picked up the ghosts of Brian poking fun at Tim while he sat in one of the machines, looking down at them. Alex set up a camera, there was no Sarah this time. Seth sat waiting for Alex to finish setting up the camera. 
 
Jay’s ghost came from behind the machine and ducked away from the frame of what was most likely Alex’s camera. Brian wrapped his arm around his shoulders and ruffled his hair before the real Jay, the present Jay set the camera down on god only knew what before reappearing. He stood in the exact spot his ghost had, leaning into where Brian had once been standing. 
 
They didn’t last nearly as long. Then Jay was alone once again. 
 
The dull screen had not lasted as long this time. It seemed the time to ponder between scenes was not permitted as it had previously. 
 
When the view came back to life it showed Alex. 
 
Alex, who was sitting against Jay’s bed, he was messing with some bracelet that he had been making. Light blue, dark blue and white. He had a bracelet on his own wrist, dark blue, light blue and a soft orange. His hair was a mess and when he glanced up it was obvious there was a slight smudge of makeup under his eyes. It was almost hidden behind his glasses. 
 
It flickered and the next scene showed that Alex had grown. He was still wearing the same bracelet that he had been wearing in the last one and yet it had to have been months if not a year since then. Alex was strewn out on a couch pointing at the tv as he probably made some sort of comment on it. He glanced towards the camera and flipped it off, paired with sticking his tongue out. 
 
It flickered again, another few years ahead and Alex was laying back against his bed laughing as he moved his hand about. He was motioning about something or another. His hair was long as it had been for years, falling just past his shoulders now. His glasses sat slightly crooked on his nose as he continued to talk. Of what was unknown. The only noise that had come from the scene had been his laughter. 
 
Alex raised his middle finger to the camera before it cut. Maybe that had been his go to way of dealing with people or minor inconveniences. 
 
Alex reappeared on the screen again, this time his hair was hidden behind a camo baseball cap, well except for the one strand that had fallen out of confinement. He had a large grin on his face as he ate some blackberries, tossing one at the camera as he fell into loud laughter. 
 
When it flickered back, Alex was in frame and started to pull the person from behind the camera to be in it. Jay was pulled into frame and he was glaring up to Alex before a grin spread across his face and laughter spilled from his lips. 
 
Alex must’ve said something that the camera and by proxy the audience had been prohibited from hearing. From showing. 
 
The clip cut and it was onto a new set. The null void had changed tones just a hint. From a cooler tone to a warmer one. 
 
The first thing on sight was a zoomed in shot of someone smiling, and as it unzoomed it was almost unrecognizable at first, until it caught onto a pair of earrings that matched a necklace. Her hair was a bit shorter and she was in a sweater and jeans rather than her summer attire. 
 
Sarah. It was Sarah this time. 
 
It flickered onto another scene of her. Sarah was fanning herself with what was most likely a script of some form as she talked to someone off screen, it seemed she had noticed the camera and waved. She scrunched up her nose before looking back to whoever she had been. She had changed since the last scene, her hair was longer and she was in a short sleeved shirt. 
 
It flickered and changed to a new scene again. There was Sarah in her famous pair of green shorts and some tank top with one of Seth’s hoodies wrapped around her waist. Her hair had been pulled up for once and in a ponytail. Her fingers were stained from the blackberries she was eating. She let out a laugh and shoved a couple more into her mouth, the camera caught onto a bracelet similar to the one Alex wore, and the one he made. This time it was a pale green with pink and white on it, tied around her wrist.
 
The scene flickered again and there she was by the river that had been shown previously. She ran after Link and Rocky who were playing in the shallow water. Sarah was in a pair of gym shorts and her bikini top as she raced the dogs before grabbing some toy from them and throwing it. 
 
The sun seemed to favour her. 
 
It flickered one last time and showed Jay’s apartment. Sarah was sitting on his couch throwing popcorn into the air before catching it as she watched the Tv. Sarah laughed and the camera must have been blessed because it caught the sound. She pulled the man from behind the camera to sit next to her and she took the camera from him, angling it for the two of them to be in frame. 
 
Sarah smiled as Jay looked up to her before the camera cut. 
 
The null background stayed a warmer grey but it seemed to lighten just a bit. 
 
When it returned there was Brian grinning as he laid across his couch, a faded Perfect Circle matched with his shorts as he looked across the room to someone just out of frame. He must’ve caught onto the fact that a camera was being pointed at him because he turned his head before smiling and waving at it. 
 
It flickered for a second before it showed Brian again, this time he was holding the camera and making a face at it before laughing. He looked just past the camera across to someone else. His hair had grown a bit and he was starting to get some stubble. His famous tooth gap was on full display before a hand came into view covering the camera. 
 
When it returned Brian was leaning against the gazebo’s pole. His hair had been cut shorter than it had once been. He had a bracelet now, yellow, black and green. Brian sported a slight tan with his shoulders starting to burn up. He grabbed a script from someone’s hand. The stubbed that he once had was shaved clean. 
 
The next clip held the most stupid and yet perfect scene. Brian was moving about, he was talking about some or another as he threw blackberries up and caught them in his mouth. Well most of the time, it seemed he must’ve missed a few if the small juice stains on his shirt had any say. The camera caught how a blackberry was thrown at him and he threw one back. His hair had started to grow back, this time however it seemed to have been taken care of better. He licked his lips before throwing a blackberry towards the camera. 
 
It flickered once more and he was there again. He appeared exhausted as he looked around. It had been dark outside but Brian had been casted in a yellow light from the light post. Once his eyes caught onto the camera he grinned and started to walk towards it. He had a bag on his right shoulder and as he got closer it was apparent as to what he had been doing. He had scrubs on and a water bottle in one hand.
 
It cut and the null void became a bit dull and cool in tone once again. 
 
When it turned back on, the person who was there was almost unrecognizable. He almost was until he turned to face the camera. He rolled his eyes before pushing his foot against the cameraman. It was Seth. Seth but from far before college. He shook his head as he said something unheard by the camera. His glasses sat awkwardly on his nose as he ran a hand through his hair. 
 
It flickered and revealed Seth once again this time, he was looking at a bracelet on his wrist as it was being tied by a separate person. It was pale grey, black and blue. Seth’s hair had gotten longer, at this point needing to be pulled and tied up at the back of his head. He glanced up to the camera and tilted his head before laughing.
 
The next one showed Seth in such a familiar setting. His fingers and lips were stained by the blackberries that he had in his hand. He popped a few blackberries into his mouth before he tossed one at someone, quickly being hit back. His shirt had some staining from previous hits of blackberries. 
 
Seth reappeared on the screen. His hair had been chopped and he had started to get a little scruffy around the edges. He glanced up from behind his glasses and rolled his eyes before going back to working on the camera in his lap. That bracelet was still there.
 
It flickered and showed Seth once again. This time though he was pulling at a rope toy. He was playing with Link who was trying desperately to not let go. The camera picked up Seth’s laugh as he pulled on the toy again. He glanced up and the grin stayed. Seth was in his swim shorts, glasses almost falling off his nose as he played with his dog. His shoulders and nose must’ve been sunburnt by the red color that seemed to stay. 
 
It cut and the null void changed into a darker, warmer grey. 
 
The camera turned back on and a new scene was shown. It was obvious from the start who it was. Tim was there in his Romantics shirt leaning back against his car, a cigarette sat between his lips. His hair was a mess from the wind that was whipping it around. A smile spread across his face as he took the cigarette from between his lips and blew smoke towards the camera.

It cut after that. When it did return Tim had a bracelet on his wrist, red and black with a small amount of white. He held his hand up to cover his laughter that could be heard clear as day. Tim’s hair had been cut a bit shorter and he started to get some side burns that had been kept neat. This time he donned a flannel. 
 
It cut and Tim reappeared once again, his nose was scrunched up as he dodged a blackberry that flew past him. He popped a few into his mouth before he got hit with one that came from behind the camera. Tim whipped his head to the side before throwing a blackberry at the person from behind the camera. His hair had started to grow out a tad bit, and he had matching staining as everyone else had shown. 
 
It cut and returned rather quickly. 
 
The camera was being held awkwardly and it showed Tim asleep on someone’s arm. His face was slack and he looked at peace, his eyebrow would twitch occasionally before stopping. His hair was a mess but it framed his face perfectly. 
 
This time Tim was sitting and messing with a guitar, he glanced up to the camera and smiled. His hair was swept back and he was in his Tye-dye shirt and a pair of pajama pants, very clearly on Jay’s bed as he started to play the guitar. Which lined up with the music that had been played. 
 
It cut and once again the null grey background reappeared. It turned to a cooler tone, staying the same deep shade as before. 
 
When the clip finally started it was different then before. Jay was leaning forward in a dark room, eyes glued to the Tv screen. The Tv lit up his face with occasional flashes of blue or some other cool color. Jay had a grin spread across his face as he nodded along. His hair was a bit shaggy and longer than it ever had been. 
 
The next clip had Jay grinning as he looked at the person behind the camera, eyes narrowing for a split second before he fell into a fit of laughter. His hair had been cut short, a drastic change from the last scene, on the top half of a Radiohead shirt was caught in frame. 
 
Jay reappeared on the screen again, this time it was held by shaky hands that showed Jay popping a few blackberries into his mouth, unknowingly  of the camera as he ran blackberry stained fingers through his hair. He had a bracelet just like everyone else, in fact it was the one that Alex had been seen fidgeting with before. Light blue, dark blue and white. They all had some bracelets to wear, they all had one that matched them. Each one was made for them. A blackberry was throat at Jay hitting his cheek and he shook his head as he stood up, moving towards the camera with a grin. 
 
The camera was held once again by unsteady hands and it showed Jay passed out by his desk, mouth open as he drooled slightly. His hair was a mess and his eyebrows were furrowed. That oh so infamous sickly yellow light casted half of his face in shadow. A hand came into view, one with a red, black and white bracelet and pushed hair out of his face. 
 
It cut and changed scenes again. Jay looked up from his spot on the floor, the same guitar that Tim had was in his lap. He had a few band-aids on his fingers as he readjusted how he was holding the guitar. There had been a cigarette between his lips which threatened to fall as he started to laugh. Jay reached up and took it from between his lips as he scrunched up his nose up and stuck his tongue out. 
 
It faded to that null void, which now held a lighter tone and warmer shade rather than before. 
 
The camera was held low and it was clear who the main focus was on. It was Rocky who was running towards the camera. A little furball of greys and browns, He was stumbling a little bit as his tongue stuck out. He was a puppy and he approached the camera and tried to lick it before giving up and running out of frame. 
 
The next scene showed Rocky again, but this time it was a few years later. He had grown so much, no longer was Rocky a little puppy. His hair had turned a bit wiry as he ran about, he now reached Jay’s hip with his head. Rocky’s head whipped in the direction of the camera before he came bounding over towards it, a rope toy in his mouth. 
 
Rocky showed up once again and this time he was scarfing down a few blackberries out of someone’s hands. He had some staining around his teeth when they did show, not to mention around his maw. After he finished the few he had he looked up, tilting his head in hopes of getting more. 
 
 The next clip showed two dogs wrestling over a rope toy. When one would take it the other would bark and howl before trying to take it back. It was all in play as they moved over to lay down in the shadows of some trees, panting heavily. It was Rocky and Link. 
 
The next clip showed Link who was paddling out in the water before turning his head to look at the camera. He quickly started to paddle back towards the shore yipping out loudly before grabbing his chew toy and bolting towards the camera. 
 
It cut and when it reappeared it showed a sweet scene. 
 
Link was asleep laying across the bench at the gazebo, the sun filtered through the leaves making intricate patterns on his light soft fur. His foot would shift every now and then before he would bark or whine in his sleep. 
 
When the clip switched it was once again Link. However he had blackberry stains over his maw and paws. He leaned his head up, looking at someone just out of frame who dropped another blackberry for him. 
 
It flickered away before cutting back to the null void. It was a darker tone than before. 
 
When the screen returned it showed a little furball curled up in a spot of warm light that was being casted down by the sun. It was Ripley. She let out a soft prrow before stretching out and looking around sleepily. 
 
It cut and it quickly was replaced with a new scene.
 
Ripley reappeared on screen again and this time she was much larger, she was stretched out across the couch. Her grey fur was highlighted by warm sun rays. A  hand slipped into frame, a hand with a red, black and white friendship bracelet that had been tied tight around its wrist. 
 
It flickered once again. This time it showed Ripley wrapped around Jay’s shoulders nuzzling her head into Jays before starting to lick at his face, cleaning up something or another. She had grown to be a huge cat, fur long but well taken care of. Ripley must’ve been heavy at this point, she was at least the size of a small dog and yet Jay let her stay on his shoulders as if it was no problem. 
 
It faded into a light grey, null void of nothingness. 
 
This time the camera was so that both parties could be in frame, Tim and Jay. Jay and Tim. They were both smiling and bumping shoulders. Tim had a cigarette between his lips which Jay stole and took his own hit before blowing the smoke at Tim. Jay had said something but the camera was not permitted to tell the viewer what it was. 
 
The next clip the camera was wrenched free from Jay’s hands and Tim was holding it, angling it to show the two of them as she smushed blackberries against Jay’s face. They both fell into a fit of laughter as Jay playfully tried to stop Tim. Jay took his own handful of blackberries, smushing them against Tim’s face in return. 
 
It cut and when it reappeared it was clear that someone else was holding the camera. They zoomed in on the pair, zoomed in on Jay and Tim who had fallen asleep on the couch at Brian’s. Tim’s arm was wrapped around Jay, and Jay had his arms wrapped around Tim in return. Jay’s hair had started to grow and curl at the ends, scruff was starting to build up on his jaw and Tim’s hair had grown just as much. He had a bit more stubble than previously shown before. Jay was wearing one of Tim’s flannels and Tim was in one of his undershirts as they slept cuddled up on Brian’s couch. 
 
The next clip held the pair again. Tim had been the main one in frame before he turned it to face both him and Jay. Tim had been looking over some papers, some notes. He had a guitar next to him and Jay had been nodding his head as he looked up to Tim. He must’ve said something because Tim leaned over and flicked his forehead before leaning down to press a kiss to his cheek. Jay turned his face to press a kiss to Tim’s lips. 
 
The next clip showed the camera had caught Tim and Jay laying under some tree as laughter fell from their lips. They shared bits of snacks and fruits, Tim was propped up on one of his arms as he looked down at Jay who looked right back up in return. Tim took the cigarette from between his own lips, offering it to Jay who took it. They were both in shorts and tank tops, a blanket under the two of them. Both had some minor tans with the start of a sunburn. 
 
It cut rather quickly and the next series of clips were hard to focus on. The audio was filled with laughter and then it came to light. 
 
There was Jay’s voice and Tim’s voice. It flickered between many scenes that had been shown, many that would not have been shown in full. Sometimes it showed Jay, sometimes it showed Tim, sometimes it showed both of them and others neither. But the consistent was the sound of laughter and three soft words paired with terms of endearment. 
 
“I love you Jay.” Tim’s voice was full of love and adoration. 
 
“I love you Tim,” Jay replied with just as much love and adoration, a soft hum in his voice. 
 
“I love you Blue Jay,” Tim laughed out, his voice loud and without care. 
 
“I love you Mr. Romantics,” Jay laughed along, music was loud enough to be heard in the background. 
 
“I love you Jaybird.” Tim’s voice was low and rumbly, showing his obvious exhaustion. 
 
“I love you My Dear Hawk.” Jay replied sleepily before he sniffled and then there was the sound of fabric rustling and a soft kiss was shared. 
 
“I looovveeeee youuu,” Tim’s words slurred out slightly, stumbling over them before he fell into a fit of laughter. 
 
“I love you tooo,” Jay was having just as hard of a time as Tim was in speaking, he quickly joined Tim as he snorted out into a fit of laughter. 
 
It was said over and over again, until it became a blur of nonsense. It was said until one could no longer keep count. 
 
The screen faded to that null void for just a few moments before it turned back on. 
 
Jay was sitting on his couch looking at the camera in front of him before looking down to a set of cards that he held carefully.

“You’ll Mess up, You’ll make mistakes and It’ll feel like the world is over.”

Jay hummed out before Ripley jumped up and nuzzled her way into his lap letting out a soft mrrow. 
 
“But that’s what life is. It’s all about mistakes, it’s about learning and moving forward.”

Jay let out a soft laugh as he leaned down, pressing a soft kiss to Ripley’s head.

“You can’t have Joy without Sadness, You cannot have Pain without Comfort, You cannot have Life without Death. Everything has its pair and it’ll make sure you struggle. But it’s all worth it.”

“If you can find Life in Death, then things tend to be brighter.”

The film came to an end but this time the null nothingness did not exist. It showed a meadow with a clear sky. The music that had been there the whole time got louder, and soon enough it ended completely. 
 
===

===
 
Jay slipped his headphones off as he stared at his reflection on the screen. The screen that no longer displayed anything. He could see the tears that had fallen down his cheeks. How was it fair that this is how it would end? How was that fair? It made sense, he supposed. He should’ve known that he would have wanted to end it on a good note, that he would have wanted to put a lesson into his film. But, but it left him with so many questions. Too many questions. 
 
Jay thought about all of it, he thought about how he had revisited all of those spots that they had experienced together but that he had been alone. Jay thought about how had been alone on his birthday, he thought about the clips of him and Tim being cute together. Jay couldn’t help but notice the friendship bracelets that had seemingly spread from just Jay and Alex to Seth, and then to Sarah and Brian, and then Tim. Everyone had one and it made the bracelet he knew he still had hanging from his rear view mirror in his car more important than he had once thought. 
 
Jay thought about that consistent series of clips that held everyone snacking on blackberries and throwing them at each other. Even the dogs were involved. The past seemed so happy. 
 
They really were just college kids. 
 
Jay wished that it was all some faded photograph that showed friends who drifted apart due to careers. 
 
Jay stopped and glanced over to Tim, he was so peaceful. He was stretched across the center console trying to keep as close of contact that he could have. Jay slipped the laptop into its bag and set his headphones on the dash. He leaned back in his seat after getting situated and watched Tim. 
 
Jay watched the moonlight shine onto Tim’s face and against his better judgment he reached out and pushed a strand of hair from Tim’s face. To which Tim’s eyes fluttered open for a moment. Tim looked up to him, a small smile grew on his face as he held his hand close to his face.

“Goodnight Jaybird, sleep well.” Tim mumbled out sleepily. 
 
“Goodnight Hawk,” Jay whispered as he took in every single detail of Tim, all of him. 
 
They would discuss this, they would discuss everything after Alex’s. No matter what. They would find the next motel and settle in there for a while and Jay would tell Tim everything. Jay would give Tim the film so he could watch it. Then they could move on from there. 
 
God Jay was head over heels and he wanted to confess but he needed to wait. Jay needed to see what would happen from here on out. Jay fell asleep as he watched how the moonlight filtered through nearby leaves, letting the light dance across Tim’s face. 
 
—
 
Jay was roused from sleep causing him to blink a few times. What was going? What… What was? He couldn’t see well. Jay could barely see. It was still dark out, the sleep was still in his eyes. Everything felt thick. Everything felt so slow. Jay felt like he was stuck in water… He felt like he couldn’t breathe. Why couldn’t he breathe?

Jay snapped out of his thoughts when he realized he could feel something cold in his hands. Whatever it was had some weight to it. Then he realized he felt something hot and thick on his hands, on his face. He felt hot warmth surrounding him, running down his arms and face. 
 
Jay blinked his eyes once more and then he saw the sight below him come to light. It felt like he was seeing the world through his camera’s lens. 
 
Tim was below him in the seat. Tim was staring up at him, tears had rolled down his face. Jay could finally see what he held in his hand and he felt his stomach lurch as he realized it was a knife. His knife. Jay could see the blood gushing out from Tim’s neck. Jay could see how his hand moved against his will and gripped the knife harder before pushing it into Tim’s neck again. Jay felt his chest grow tight as he watched the scene unfolding in front of him.

No… No. No-no. No. 
 
Jay tried to pull his hands away. Jay wanted to move away. Jay needed to move away, he wanted to be clean of the blood. Jay wanted to be in control. Jay needed to stop the static. Jay felt his throat start to become raw as he screamed. He wanted it to stop. The static overpowered his voice. 
 
All Jay could hear was static, was the sound of water rushing around him threatening to drown him. It was all he could hear, all he could feel until it disappeared. It never existed. Jay could still feel the hot blood on him, could still feel the cold metal in his hand. Until he… Until Jay heard it. 
 
It was Tim? Tim was? What was Tim doing? What was he saying? 
 
Jay felt his world get shaken and that high ringing reappeared and then the sounds of his own voice was apparent. 
 
Jay looked at himself in the reflection of the window. No blood. Well no. There was blood but it was on

his

lips, it was on

his

nose. It was

his blood

and not Tim. He had tears cascading down his cheeks and his eyes were bloodshot. 
 
Jay felt two strong hands holding his wrists. Jay could feel Tim underneath him, he could feel how his lungs rattled and how he was screaming. 
 
Jay wished he could hear Tim, why couldn’t he hear Tim?

Jay’s eyes tore from his reflection to the sight below him. 
 
Jay was holding his knife to Tim’s throat, or had been. Tim was struggling to hold Jay’s hands back from his throat. Jay was straining against Tim’s hold trying to press the knife into his neck. Jay was straddling Tim and he had been trying to kill Tim. 
 
Jay had been trying to kill Tim?

No.

The car felt all too small all too quick. Everything was too small, it was crowded. It was all too much. What was going on? Jay couldn’t breathe. Jay couldn’t hear Tim. He could hear himself but not Tim. Why couldn’t he control his own body until he had been snapped out of it?

Jay wrenched his hand free, wincing at how Tim tried to grab it again. Jay clawed the door open before damn near falling out. He couldn’t let go of the knife, it felt like it was stuck. Why couldn’t he let it go? He couldn’t breathe! Why couldn’t he breathe? Jay couldn’t.. He.. he… He stumbled around outside looking for anything. It had to be here! It had to be here! It had to be! He wouldn’t do this if it wasn’t here!

THIS WASN’T HIM!!!

Jay’s eyes darted around the trees like a prey looking out for its predator. His eyes darted around the bushes that had surrounded him. IT had to be here.  
He scoured the area around them. Jay searched for the cause of everything. It had to be there.

nono

no

No

No

NO

NO

NO

NO

NO

Jay dropped to the ground a few yards from the car. His grip was still iron tight on the knife. Jay pressed his hand against his ear not using caution even with the knife, he used the other hand to wrap across his face as he tried to catch his breath. He couldn’t hear anything again but if the blood in his mouth had any say. He was either coughing or screaming. Jay couldn’t tell, even with how his chest was spasming and he could feel his lungs rattle. 
 
He almost hurt Tim…
 
Jay had almost seriously hurt Tim…
 
Jay had just gone to bed. No. No no. How did he get like that?

Jay could feel the liquid slip from between his lips. He could feel it drip down over his hands. 
 
Jay could’ve ruined everything because of what?

Because of What?

Because of being asleep?

Asleep?

What kind of lousy excuse was that?

Jay flinched at the feeling of hands grabbing at his wrists and how the knife was wrenched from his grip. His jaw was then grabbed with the same level of force and he was made to look up to Tim. 
 
Behind Tim was the moon and it made Tim into a shadow. 
 
“

Ay.. Ay.. Jay, Jay, Jay, Jay, JAY, JAY! Blue Jay! Jaybird! Stop! Stop! Jay! Jay stop. Snap out of it buddy!

” Tim shouted trying to stop Jay from doing something. 
 
What was he even doing?

Jay stared up blankly to Tim, eyes glazed over mostly. Once again he felt like a camera again. Jay could see Tim start to take slow, deep breaths. 
 
So Jay tried to mimic him, Jay tried. He really tried. And then it seemed like a dam broke and he could hear everything again. 
 
Jay had been screaming. His throat was raw and now he couldn’t stop coughing. He felt them bubbling up, and up before spilling out of his lips. Jay was trying to gasp and catch his breath. He tried desperately to wrench himself free of Tim and maybe Tim understood why. Because next thing he knew Tim had let go. 
 
Jay placed his forearms on the ground as he hacked and coughed trying to clear his lungs. He could feel Tim behind him rubbing his back, fingers eventually trailing up to run through his hair. 
 
All of a sudden Jay was very aware of everything, he was aware of the cold sweat that he was drenched in. He was very aware of the blood that splattered from between his lips, the bloody nose he had from… He didn’t know. He was aware of the ache in all of himself. His head was pounding and he was finally aware of the world around him. 
 
Jay didn’t know how much time had passed since he stopped screaming. He didn’t know how long he had been sitting there after coughing his lungs out, after he finished crying. Jay stared at the grass in front of him, feeling Tim’s hands still on his back. He tried to clear his throat before falling into a wincing whine. 
 
“You back with me Jaybird?” Tim questioned, his voice was thick with worry. 
 
Or maybe it was fear?

Jay could hear the wobble in his voice, could feel how Tim’s hand stuttered for a second before continuing.

‘He’s scared of you’

‘He knows’

‘He knows you’re fucked up’

“Yeah,” Jay croaked out as he started to push himself back up into a sitting position. It finally caught his attention that his knees were covered in mud, his arms had some as well.
 
When had it rained?

“Good, are you okay?” Tim questioned, hand stopping near his shoulder blades. 
 
Jay flinched, a small sneer pulled at his lips. Was he okay? What? 
 
Was he okay? 
 
“I’m fine.” Jay grumbled trying desperately to slip out of Tim’s grasp. 
 
Was Tim scared of him? Or did Tim pity him?

Both options made Jay’s stomach turn on itself and threaten to spill out from his lips. 
 
“Jay…” Tim’s voice was soft. 
 
It was far too damn soft. 
 
“No. I’m fine.” Jay snapped, turning his head to glare at Tim. 
 
Jay wasn’t okay, but he didn’t need Tim to worry about him right now. 
 
Tim needed to worry about himself. 
 
Tim kept eye contact with him, staring right back. His eyebrow twitched and his lip pulled up at the corner as he narrowed his eyes.Tim was tired of being patient. 
 
“You’re getting worse.” Tim stated, it wasn’t a question, it wasn’t leaving any room for an argument and yet Jay would find room. 
 
Jay would always find room to get an argument in. 
 
“Don’t look at me like that! Don’t… You have enough to worry about! I ain’t one of those things!” Jay snapped as he pulled away from Tim, moving to stand on unsteady legs. 
 
It was almost fitting that Jay would be unsteady on his legs. 
 
A gangly bag of bones with hair that was growing and his stubble that was growing to be a bit too much. 
 
“Excuse me?” Tim questioned, no he snarled as his eyebrows furrowed furthermore. 
 
Tim stood in front of Jay, crossing his arms over his chest as he looked up to Jay. Tim looked pissed, he wasn’t trying to hide it now.

Good.

If Tim was mad at him now he would distance himself from Jay again. It meant he wasn’t pitying him, meant he wasn’t scared of him. If Tim was furious with him he couldn’t shoulder any other feelings towards him. 
 
“You heard me! Don’t look at me like that, Don’t fucking act like you don’t know! I’m okay! I’m fine! I’m not the one who almost got killed?!?! Now am I? I wasn’t the one with a knife to my throat! I’m fucking fine! So stop treating me like I’m gonna fuckin break!” Jay barked out or maybe he begged. He couldn’t tell anymore. 
 
Jay didn’t like how his voice cracked and wobbled. 
 
Tim let out a soft huff of laughter before shaking his head. 
 
“Yeah! That's exactly why you aren’t okay! What the fuck was that?!?! HUH?!? Jay! I fucking woke up to you hovering over me with

your goddamn knife

pressed to my throat!!! IF I HADN’T FUCKING GRABBED YOUR WRISTS I WOULDA BEEN DEAD!!! SO WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT?!? DON’T BULLSHIT ME NOW!” Tim snarled out as he stormed towards Jay, gripping his wrist with one hand and the other held his jaw tightly. 
 
Tim’s grip felt like it might just shatter and break him. 
 
“

Don’t.

” Tim warned before continuing, “ I’ve been letting it go! I haven’t pushed you when we both know you’re getting worse! You need to see someone Jay! This isn’t good! This ain’t lead to nothing good! It just goes downhill from here!” Tim snapped, eyes widening as his eyebrows raised up as he looked at Jay. 
 
Jay looked down to Tim wanting to give in, he…. No. 
 
“I’m not like you! I don’t need help! I don’t. I’m fuckin fine, I just… I don’t know!” Jay struggled to explain, he felt like his throat had a lump and his chest was tight as all hell. 
 
Jay wanted to give in, to apologize but he couldn’t. 
 
“What? What does that mean huh? What the fuck did you mean by that Merrick?!?! What. Do you still think I’m some fucking

Psychopath

? THE ONLY REASON YOU WOULDN’T BE LIKE ME IN THIS SITUATION IS IF YOU KNOW WHY YOU DID THAT AND REMEMBER IT!!!” Tim snarled out, anger shaking his voice as nails that had grown just a tad bit too long dug into Jay’s jaw and wrist. 
 
“I DON’T KNOW WHY I DID THAT!!!! BUT ALL I COULD HEAR WAS THE FUCKING STATIC!!! I ain’t a goddamn Psychopath, I ain’t crazy…” Jay screamed back as tears started to bubble up, he couldn’t help how his blood ran cold as he realized that all the animals around them had long gone quiet. 
 
“Fuck you Merrick.

Fuck. You.

I thought you cared. I thought you were different, But maybe you fucking are just like Alex. Maybe you never cared, MAYBE IT’S NOT

ALEX

OR

ME

THAT’S THE PROBLEM. MAYBE IT’S

YOU

HMM? You notice how fuckin everyone around you

dies

? Or gets hurt?” Tim growled anger shaking him as he threw a punch so as to accentuate his point. 
 
It knocked Jay back a few steps and he couldn't help but glare at his hands. 
 
Out of everything Tim could’ve said he didn’t expect for that. If Jay stopped glaring at his hands he’d start to cry and he couldn’t cry in front of Tim. 
 
“No… Don’t. Don’t… It’s not my fucking fault! I just want this all to end! I want to get the fuck out of Alabama, I want my friend back! I want to be normal in a house with someone I love!! I WANT THIS ALL OVER!!! And… and… If you fucking hate me so goddamn much and blame me for everything. For… For.. For all the harm and pain and death. Then so fucking be it. I’ll fuckin walk and you can drive the hell off for all I care.” Jay croaked out, trying to hide the tears that were building up. 
 
Jay fucking hated when he got like this. He hated how he pushed everyone away when he wasn’t doing good. He never could stop. It didn’t help that the little voice in his head always told him that they wanted to help solely because of pity. 
 
It didn’t help that Tim was reinforcing one of his biggest fears… He wanted to… He wanted to sob, wanted to scream and more importantly Jay wanted out. No he needed out. 
 
Jay turned on heel and started to walk past the car, he needed to get away from Tim. Jay couldn’t let Tim know that he won the fight. He couldn’t let Tim know that he was right, couldn’t let him see how Jay would break down after one stupid accusation. 
 
Jay had said worse to Tim and yet he felt like he was the one who lost. No, he knew he lost. 
 
Jay looked down at the knife to his right as he walked past Tim. He ignored everything except for the ringing in his ear and that ever present tight feeling in his chest. He couldn’t catch his breath as he tried to control everything. 
 
“Jay, wait!” Tim called out as he reached out for him, fingers slipping against his arm. 
 
Jay made sure his shoulders didn’t jump, made sure he was silent as the tears rolled down his cheeks as he walked away from Tim. As he walked away from their car and towards the far end of the clearing. Jay sat overlooking the tall field of grass and whatever might be in there. 
 
Jay waited there, he was at fault. He knew this was his fault, he knew he couldn’t help but push everyone away. He did it back then and now history was repeating itself. 
 
God fuck him.

Tim was right and so was that little voice. Jay was dangerous, Jay was bad luck, Jay destroyed everything he ever fucking touched.

Jay should be kept in solitary away from everyone. 
 
Jay sat out by the field of empty nothingness until the sun started to rise. He stayed there ignoring everything. He ignored how he still couldn’t hear the birds even now, even after the screaming had stopped. They had stopped whistling long before the screaming match between them. Jay ignored it all until he heard footsteps coming over to him. 
 
A hand came into view before anything else, a pack of cigarettes in them. The pack was open and offering one out.

“Truce? Tim questioned as he kneelt down next to Jay. 
 
“Truce.” Jay whispered, taking the cigarette. 
 
Jay placed the cigarette between his lips, holding his hand out, waiting for the lighter. 
 
“Here.” Tim whispered, holding Jay’s jaw carefully, fingers brushing against where his nails had left small scratches as he lit up the end of the cigarette. 
 
“Thanks

Tim

.” Jay replied as he moved the cigarette from between his lips and let out a shaky breath. 
 
“You ready to get back in the car and drive? We got a few more hours. But, I figure you’ll have to get coffee, and then I’ll want coffee. You’ll want something to eat beforehand to help with your meds and then you’ll want a cigarette.” Jay rattled off their morning routine before looking over to Tim. 
 
Tim looked about as distraught and exhausted as Jay felt. 
 
God Jay wanted to make Tim feel better. He wanted him to know he wasn’t alone. 
 
“Yeah… yeah, I can take care of driving for today. And Jay… I’m-” Tim tried to reassure Jay, tried to finish something but Jay looked over to him and cleared his throat as he shook his head slightly. 
 
“No, no. Don’t… You were right, let’s just get going so this can be over.” Jay croaked as he slowly stood up, stretching out his body until it cracked. 
 
“Jay…” Tim tried as Jay walked a few steps past him before holding his hand out for Tim to take. 
 
Jay felt Tim haul himself off the ground trying to not pull Jay with him. Which mostly worked, until Jay bumped into Tim after stumbling. 
 
“I said you were right. That’s what you wanted right Tim? I don’t wanna talk about it anymore. I’m fine, I’ll be okay. You’re fine and you’ll be okay. We’ll be okay, we’ll get through it.” Jay nodded his head slowly. 
 
Who was he reassuring?

Tim

? Or

Himself

? 
 
Jay pulled himself into the passenger seat, noting how the car was already set up for how the two of them liked it for driving. He rolled down the window and blew smoke out of it. He wished he could say he felt Tim intertwine their fingers as soon as he got in the car. Just like they so often did, but Tim’s hand was sitting next to his own on the center console. Jay reached over and hesitantly took Tim’s hand in his own, gently squeezing it. 
 
“Well get through this. I promise. Nothing will happen to us.” Jay whispered, voice cracking as he tried to clear it again. 
 
A small smile pulled at his lips as Tim squeezed his hand back. 
 
“Yeah…” Tim whispered letting their hands stay together. 
 
Jay had to hope Alex’s house would have the clues it needed to. Jay had to hope that things would work well. He wouldn’t let Tim die, even if Tim had every right to hate his guts. Even if Tim hated him now. It was warranted and Jay knew that. It hurt but he could deal with hatred over nothing. 
 
Things would be okay. Jay was okay, he didn’t need help. He just needed this all to be done with.