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It didn't used to be like this. Well, Daichi supposes that it actually has been like this all along, but Suga didn't always let him see it. Especially when he was still only ever ‘Suga’. That changed a while ago, that night on the balcony before the Spring Tournament. After Asahi went in it was just the two of them. It was common for a peaceful quiet to exist between them. It never hurt like awkward silences can. It always just felt - Diachi glances over at his silent partner. Well, it didn't used to feel suffocating like this. He reaches forwards and brushes his knuckles against Koshi’s hair. The man doesn't move or react at all. Back on that balcony, the sound of their teammates filtering through the closed door, it had felt perfect. There wasn't anything that Daichi felt like he needed to say. They could just be together, the weight of everything changing on the horizon a shared weight between them. Daichi hadn't known. He hadn't known how terribly heavy the weight truly was. He thought that there was nothing to say. He had been so wrong. “Daichi,” Suga’s voice had been so soft, just a quick puff of warm air. It dissipated in the cold wind so fast. It unsettled something deep inside of Daichi. He couldn't stop thinking about how everything was about to change. It seemed like everything was disappearing like that breath of air, visible for just a second before it became so thin and scattered that it just was gone. He turned, weary of what might be about to come out of his best friend's mouth. Suga’s face had been blushed pink from the biting winter wind. Suga didn't turn to look at him, he instead faced out into the endless night. “Suga?” Daichi said back when the gray haired man didn't continue speaking after getting his attention Sugawara sighed and looked down over the railing. “All this time I've called you Daichi. You never asked to call me by my name.” Of all the heart breaking topics he expected Suga to bring up, this wasn't one of the options. His brain had stalled and before he could get himself together Suga was chuckling and stepping back from the railing. “Forget it,” although his voice was light, it was tinged with something that made Daichi’s stomach twist. Somehow his friend was starting to step away. His hand reached out faster than his mind, “Do you want me to?” he asked, fingers gripping his arm. Sugawara had stayed turned away from him, steady puffs of warm air floating away in front of him, “Wouldn't you?” That night had been when everything started to change. It all began with those two syllables. Ko-shi. It had felt foreign at first, especially when Suga fit him so perfectly. The more Daichi uncovered, the more he realized that he never actually knew Suga. He did get to know Koshi. This Koshi. The one that can't get out of bed. The Koshi that tries so hard to uplift everyone around him, just to come home and crash. Daichi has felt depressed, sure, everyone has at some point felt the force of life press down on them. What Koshi suffers from is a whole other beast. So often they wind up in this exact position. Koshi, quiet, still, buried under the blankets. Daichi can't read his partner's mind. He wishes he could. He loves the man so much he would love to know how to help. Koshi doesn't know what would help either though. They are both just trying their best. It's not enough. Koshi suffers so much. He gently rubs the man’s back, trying to rouse him out of his brain fog. “Dear, I bet you’re hungry, yeah? Anything you want?” Koshi’s eyes open and flick up towards him for a brief moment. Daichi keeps rubbing, hoping that the motion will keep Koshi’s brain moving. “Food?” he gently reminds. Koshi takes a deep breath and lets it out quietly. Daichi steels his face, hiding away the fear and sadness that comes with seeing his partner hurt like this. Koshi nods slowly. His eyes are so dull. So very, very dull. Daichi keeps his hand on Koshi’s back. He wishes he could promise that things will get better, that it won't always be like this…but they have tried so many things. At a certain point the doctors said that maybe it's just chronic and persistent and not something that will change. It sounded like a slow painful death sentence. To tell somebody that they are never going to feel any better? “Baby?” Daichi whispers. Sometimes the blank expression and soulless eyes on the person he loves the most is truly scary. Daichi wants so badly to be able to help. To be able to do more than just sit here. To take some of the pain away. His heart aches. The huge chasm between how much he loves Koshi and how badly his partner hurts. His love can't bridge it. His love can't change this. “I don't need anything,” Koshi says, “I can do it.” Daichi’s chest feels tight. I know you can, baby. I've seen you force yourself to get up and eat. I've seen you throw that smile on your face and greet people at the door, welcoming them in when all you really want to do is dissociate and hide from the numbness. “I know you can, but that doesn't mean you have to.” “If I can't do anything, what's the point Daichi?” They have had this conversation many times, about how ableist society is, and how your worth isn't dependent on what you can or can't do. Koshi knows it is true on a larger scale, he just can't bring himself to think that way about himself. Daichi leans over and kisses his cheek. Koshi’s skin is cool to the touch. He brushes his partner's bangs back from his eyes. Sometimes Diachi misses Suga, the Suga he knew in highschool. He knows that the Suga he knew then was still suffering just as much, he just didn't show it to anybody. He misses something that never even really existed. … Koshi knows that he is loved. It is one of the only things he can say with absolute certainty. Sometimes the fullness of Daichi’s love just makes it hurt even more. He wouldn't trade it for the world. He knows it's selfish. He wants Daichi. Maybe he even needs Daichi. Daichi is warm, kind, patient, more patient than anybody has ever been with him. Koshi knows that he's a lot. On the outside it looks so dramatic. He won't get out of bed. It's easy. It's something every single person does every single day. It's something he used to do every single day. In highschool he’d do it even when it hurt the most. These days though - he squeezes his eyes shut, letting the darkness swallow him up - these days it's too big. It's just all too big. He knows Daichi doesn't judge him. He doesn't see it as pathetic or pitiful. There is only patient, understanding love in his voice. He tries. Lord, the man really tries. Koshi wishes he could take that love and just act right. That's what Daichi deserves, somebody who can do things, go places, be a fucking person. He manages to turn over and looks up at his partner. Still, just that patient love, strong, undefeatable. You deserve so much better. You deserve the person who everyone thinks I am. Get up. Get up for Daichi. His limbs hurt. They ache and cramp, as if convinced that they truly can't move. The dark pit in his chest is big today. It sucks everything into it, leaving Koshi a gray husk. Just move. Don't think, just move. Don't think about how it hurts. About how pointless it all is. About how it will never get better. Just move. Move for Daichi. … Things seem to stay easy between them after that night on the balcony. Despite Koshi's easy smiles and light floating voice Daichi can tell that there is something lying under his best friend’s skin. The realization that Suga - no Koshi - had been harboring this discomfort about the use of his given name for God knows how long threw everything else between them into doubt. Daichi had always thought that Koshi was transparent but if he is good at hiding something like this, so what else is he hiding? It's always been them. He sees them as a duo. Stronger together. He wonders if Koshi thinks about them that way too. He used to think that surely he did…but now he can't be confident. A shoulder bumps against him dragging his train of thought off the track. He looks up into soft gray eyes. “What has you thinking so hard, Captain?” Koshi says the last part teasingly. He could have just as easily been captain this year. He is pretty sure they both know it and have just never said it aloud. Daichi looks away from those eyes, the eyes that he never wants to part from. He could get lost in those eyes. It has always felt like they were so much deeper than they seemed at first. The longer you look the more you get sucked in. At least, that's Daichi’s experience. “Just thinking about school stuff,” he answers, continuing to slot items into his practice bag. Koshi hums beside him, the gentle sound vibrating into his ear, “I know your school face, and that's not it.” Why is Daichi so easy to read? The club room cleared out when Asahi, Tanaka, and Noya left together. It's just the two of them. Endlessly the two of them. With the others gone and just their own quiet friendship surrounding them Daichi feels a little more at ease. He doesn't need to be Captain, or disciplinarian, or motivational speaker. He can just be Daichi. Koshi bumps into him again, lighter this time, “You thinking about the future?” When isn't he thinking about the future? Each day they lock up this club room is a day closer to their final time. The spring tournament is over. It's the end. Daichi doesn't want it to be the end. He presses his shoulder back against the man beside him and just keeps it there. He doesn't want this to be the end. “Yeah,” he admits. He can hear the fear in his own voice. Koshi can certainly hear it, likely along with a whole slew of other insights. Being known is comfortable, until it's not. He tries to keep his lungs from shaking but his breath comes out ragged anyways. It's so close to the end. The end of everything he has built and loved. Koshi tilts his head until it knocks against Daichi’s. “I'm scared too,” the gray haired man admits. Everything is going to change. Daichi’s eyes sting, letting him know that tears are on the way. I don't want this to change. I don't want us to change. He presses his palm against one of his eyes. Maybe he can just force the unnecessary tears to stay put. Koshi’s hand lands on his leg. Daichi can't help but glance at it. Something hurts inside of him. Something unnamable. His body pays attention to all the places they are touching. Their heads, their shoulders, a hand. Daichi doesn't understand why it hurts. Koshi surprises him by squeezing his hand, gripping down onto Daichi’s thigh, “You did such a good job this year.” It's nothing that Koshi hasn't said before, but for some reason, those words in this moment just tear him down. The shaking starts in his shoulders first. It then moves to his back and his throat. Finally his voice as he croaks out those two syllables “Koshi.” Pale fingers grip his leg again. “What's going to happen?” Daichi asks. Daichi only let this side of himself show with Koshi. In every other part of his life this part of him is too vulnerable and weak. Koshi turns a little, so that his forehead is pressing against Daichi’s temple. Daichi keeps wiping at his eyes and sniffling back his runny nose. “The same thing that always happens. The next day will come.”
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Daichi huffs out a short laugh, tears still wetting his face. That's such a non-answer.“Koshi,” he whispers into the short space between them. He's so scared. He is so scared to lose Koshi in whatever their adult life brings next.He's so caught up in his thoughts and trying to get these damn tears to stop that he doesn't notice the pressure at first. Something soft is pressing into his cheek while fingers grip his thigh. It's the soft sound of lips parting that finally clues him in to what just happened.Koshi…kissed him. Daichi's face immediately starts to burn. His thoughts get caught on themselves and tangle - he - his best friend - a kiss - soft - Koshi - why -The gray haired man leans back to sit on his heels. Daichi’s head turns to follow his best friend. He can only imagine the expression on his own face.A kiss.Daichi can't help but wonder what that soft feeling is like on his own mouth. His cheeks flare hot at the thought.Koshi is looking down at the ground between them, his hand still on Diachi's thigh. His cheeks are flushed too. It's pretty.Daichi is thankful for that hand connecting them, otherwise the space between their bodies would feel miles apart. His brain just can't stop thinking ‘a kiss’.Koshi gives his leg a final squeeze and stands up. He holds that same hand out to lift Daichi up too. His body acts on muscle memory, he takes the hand and lets himself be brought upright. Koshi drops the touch and too quickly turns away, “Goodnight Daichi, don't forget to lock up.”“Yeah,” he breathes out, watching his best friend pick up his bag, slide on his shoes and leave. The door closes softly behind him, leaving Daichi all alone in the club room. His fingers raise up to brush along his cheek. The cheek that has been…kissed.He just stands there, looking at the door, touching his cheek. His heart beats like he just finished a long volley. It also has the feeling of excitement that comes with winning a long volley. He feels like he’s looking at the net, the next round about to begin. Is it his turn to serve?…They don't talk about it. Koshi never mentions the kiss and doesn't attempt it again. Daichi is caught between wanting him to and being terrified of what it means if he does.Daichi starts noticing all kinds of things that never caught his attention before. Like Koshi’s eyelashes, they are fair but when they catch the early morning light through the gym windows, they glow. The back of Koshi’s neck, where his longer strands of hair end, slightly curled to either side.He has to force himself to look away when Koshi changes. It's weird to look. It's weird to make yourself not look too. He just knows that if he sees that pale back, or God forbid his chest, it's going to be bad.“Eh, Captain Daichi, are you even listening?” Koshi has crouched down in front of him. Daichi’s brain scrambles to catch up and not get overwhelmed by the exact chest he was hoping and not hoping to see. He turns his head, unable to handle everything that is in front of him, “Sorry, no, what did you say?”Koshi sighs, a note of endearment in the sound. He's not actually frustrated with Daichi. When he's actually upset he makes it known. That has only happened a handful of times. Each time was terrifying. People say that Daichi is scary when he's angry. They haven't seen anything until they have faced the fury that Koshi can unleash.“I was asking if you wanted to come over to study.”Daichi bites the inside of his cheek, forcibly keeping in the remark, ‘If I come will you keep your clothes on?’It's not even fair to think like that. It's just a body. The body of his best friend. And it's not like all of them don't change together. There was that one time that Tanaka came at him, shirtless as usual, with a fabric measuring tape, trying to measure each of their arms to see who was the biggest. Diachi had refused to flex, unwilling to be a part of the ridiculousness.Daichi gave a yelp when Suga had come up behind him, fingers scrambling over his ticklish sides, “Get him Tanaka!” he yelled. Daichi couldn't stop his body from contorting and tensing against Koshi’s fingers. Tanaka did manage to get a measurement, especially when Noya joined the dog pile to hold his writhing body down. Once Tanaka and Noya sprang back up onto their feet to tackle Tsukishima next, it left just Suga and Diachi panting on the ground. Warm hands still rested on either side of his waistHe had felt embarrassed. At the time he figured that it was caused by how Tanaka had acted. Now though, with Koshi in front of him, clear eyes pinched in amusement…“Yeah, I'll come over. Is there something you need help with?”Koshi’s eyes fully close when he smacks Daichi’s shoulder, “It should be me asking you that.”It's true, all through their years together Suga always had a better handle on his studies. ‘Smart and pretty’ his brain says. Daichi shuts that down immediately. As soon as he starts thinking like that the list will just go on and on. Kind. Funny. Caring. Charming. Intelligent. Gorgeous. Shit.A palm is suddenly pressed against his forehead, “Dai, are you sick? You keep spacing out and you look flushed,” he pushes the hand away. The laugh that comes out of him sounds awkward even to himself. Koshi’s expression is no longer teasing. He earnestly tracks Daichi’s eyes trying to deduce what the issue is.Actually, it is a terrible idea to go home with Suga. He's just going to keep giving him ‘that’ look and slowly but surely pester Daichi until he cracks. And in theory, Daichi should know what's going on with himself before he is forced to spill it all to his best friend.Takana hollars way too loud for the club room. Apparently he has a whole 5 cm over Tsukishima. “Sorry Suga, I forgot that I promised my sister I’d help her with her math assignment.” It's a lie. His hand finds its way on the back of his neck, scratching nervously as he watches Suga process the information.The disappointment nearly kills Daichi. The words to take it all back get caught in his throat.“Alright Daichi, see you tomorrow.” There is absolutely no bite in his voice.Over the years Daichi became well versed in deciphering that tone. It was a multilayered beast. Sometimes it truly was just disinterest or disappointment. Sometimes it was a thin veil over Koshi’s rage. Sometimes it was because Koshi couldn't bring himself to put any energy into his voice. When it was for this last reason, Daichi knew that it took tremendous effort to say the words at all.Daichi didn't know how to separate out the different meanings, not on this day back in their third year. He didn't know which version it was. All he knew was that he was letting Koshi down.…Daichi lays back with Koshi beside him. He often stays like this, just being with his person on the hardest days. It's better than being alone. For both of them. Today though, he's waiting for a call.He listens to the steady breaths from the man beside him. He's not sleeping. On days like this he almost never manages to actually sleep. The sudden noise of his phone ringing causes him to jump. Koshi stays still. Daichi knows that depression is physical. It's still startling to see how his partner’s body just does less, reacts to less, like there isn't enough juice to make the things happen.“It's Asahi and Noya, they’re in Italy together, can I answer?”Koshi lays there for another second before he turns his head and gives a soft smile, “Of course, love,” he says.Daichi watches him for another moment before he accepts the call. “Hey guys -” Daichi is immediately cut off by Noya’s voice. It's so nice to hear it. Daichi’s heart aches for the days when it was always like this. He glances at Koshi who has his eyes closed again. He thinks his partner misses it too.Noya tells them all about his travels and how Asahi is too afraid to touch the fish.“They aren't even the kind with barbs, but he still stands like five feet away with a terrified look on his face -”“I just don't see a need to reach my hand into their throat like you do-” Asahi defends himself.“Anyways, Asahi kinda fits in here, he has that hairy, burly thing going for him and - oh shit I've been talking too much, Suga what have you been doing? How are the kids?”Koshi opens his eyes and clears his throat. “Good-” he pauses, sits up a little and tries again, “Good, Noya-san” his voice sounds like old Suga, like the Suga who pretends that everything is okay. Maybe this was a mistake. “They are so cute and sweet, if you weren't bad influences I would have you two stop by next time you’re in town. But I can't have them learning any of your antics.”“Oh yeah, wouldn't want the whole class to wind up crying every time they see a dead fish.”“I did not cry!” Asahi yells through the speaker.Noya ignores him, “I'll be back in Japan next month! Can we plan something? Not with the kids I mean, with you two.”Koshi beats him to a response, “Ah, I'm going to be so busy with spring festival planning. Can I take a look at my schedule and get back to you?”“Sure thing Suga!” Noya falls into another story about Asahi in Italy. Koshi turns over away from the phone. Noya doesn't know it, but that answer that Suga gave was basically a no. Koshi isn't going to get back to him. Why? Daichi thought he would be excited to see his old teammate.When he hears the quiet sniffle of Koshi crying he knows for certain that he fucked up. He mutes the speaker on his phone so they can talk,“Do you want me to hang up?”Daichi watches gray hair shift against the pillow when Koshi shakes his head no.“Hun, it's okay, they would understand, I don't mind finding a different time -”“It's fine,” Koshi bites out. Daichi gnaws on his bottom lip, absently listening to Noya prattle on in the background. This is always how the fights start. He knows that Koshi is doing his best. He really, really, truly knows and believes that. But it feels like there is no right direction to go now. It's obvious that the call is overwhelming, if he keeps going it would hurt his partner, if he ends the call despite Koshi’s words…it will hurt in a different way.And maybe that just is the truth of the thing. Everything hurts. When your brain is this deficient of the chemicals it needs to run properly everything just hurts.Daichi manages to find a route that straddles both of the options. He takes the call out of the bedroom, wraps up fairly quickly and comes back. His partner is still curled up on his side, back shaking slightly.He sits on the edge of the bed. Koshi cries so silently, only the occasional sniffle actually gives it away. Koshi’s body doesn't properly cry, the tears just leak out while he lays there. Daichi scoots over until his hip is against Koshi’s back. He leans over, bracing an arm on the other side of his partner. He manages to look at Koshi’s face, it's blank, a dark spot below his eyes on the sheets.Sometimes Daichi is just glad that his love’s body can cry. There are periods where even that isn't possible. “I'm sorry, I didn't realize it was too much,” Daichi whispers.“It's fine,” Koshi says again, a lot softer this time.“How can I help?” Daichi asks.Koshi’s mouth opens slightly but he doesn't manage to say anything. Daichi waits. Often it just takes time.“I'm tired,” Koshi whispers, “I'm so tired of being like this.” Daichi’s jaw clenches. It's not the first time he's heard Koshi’s broken voice say this. It still aches something fierce.“It's been bad,” Daichi says, trying to open the conversation about the heavy weight that his partner lives with.Koshi doesn't take the invitation but tears keep steadily falling.“Baby, please, I think if we get up we might be able to help your mood.” Daichi knows that staying down doesn't help in the long run. It's a fine line between pushing too far and running out of energy altogether and letting the depression fester and grow.It's a very fine line to navigate when all you can go off of is a person's exterior. Daichi can pick up on clues, but at the end of the day, he has no idea what it's like inside of Koshi’s mind and body.The first time that Daichi asked Koshi to describe it, the gray haired man got quiet. He studied his hands for a while before he finally said, “It's like something lives in my chest, something evil. It takes everything. All the things that should be good and easy and fun, it takes them and leaves me with…” here he had hesitated, “It leaves me hollow. Sometimes it feels like I'm not even human.”Daichi isn't sure how Suga survived all those years of highschool. Koshi said it had started to creep up in junior high. From there it got worse and worse and here they are. He's got a diagnosis and a whole slew of practitioners that said ‘well, we tried.’How can you just give up on a person like that? How can you leave them with no hope? Some had said that Koshi should adjust his expectations for his life. Others said that he should make sure he had a strong support network for the bad times. Another said that electroshock therapy is always an option.That had been hard to swallow. It feels like one of the only things left that they haven't tried. It's so…drastic. What if something went wrong? What if Koshi came back as somebody new? He's knows shock therapy isn't like how it used to be, but still, the thought of somebody shocking his partner is fucking scary.Koshi rolls onto his back, drawing Diachi back to the moment. It's not getting up, but it's something. Daichi eyes meet crisp gray irises.“Daichi?”“Yes love?”“There is something I want.”“Anything,” Daichi breathes.“Can you touch me? I just…I want to feel something.”Daichi watches him for a moment, making sure that this is really what Koshi wants. Gray eyes look back steady and certain.“Okay,” Daichi says, “But slow, like usual.”Koshi nods, his lashes still clumped from tears. Daichi lays himself beside Koshi. They almost always go slow. It helps Koshi's body acclimate and stay present. When Koshi turns to face him, Daichi cups his cheek. Daichi is pretty sure that the void that lives in Koshi’s chest is going to suck all of this right up. Every soft touch, warm kiss and admission of love. But maybe, just maybe some will sneak through and land in Koshi’s heart instead.
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Daichi. The only person that Koshi has ever let see this version of himself. He has seen, has lived with this, and still loves him anyway. It's hard to understand.But sometimes, Koshi can't even bring himself to attempt to understand the impossible. Sometimes he just wants to feel real.He loves Daichi. He loves Daichi so much. He hates that the love gets trapped inside of him where he barely has the energy to express it. The ease with which Daichi can shower him with love and affection and kindness makes Koshi want to scream. You deserve that too.He tries to push all of this away. The dark thoughts, the desires that will never be realities. Focus. Be present. Be with him.Daichi always starts slow. Koshi hates that he needs that. Push it away. Be present.Daichi starts with the hand that is already on his cheek. It presses up into his hair, fingertips running along his scalp. The sensation sends tingles down the back of his neck. Koshi forces his eyes to stay open, he loves how Daichi looks at him, like he's something precious.Daichi keeps rubbing at his scalp. The sensation is trying to convince Koshi to close his eyes. He fights it. Koshi is immediately rewarded with a smile.“My Koshi,” Daichi whispers, rubbing on the tight tension spot behind Koshi’s ear.Again, even though Diachi hasn't touched anywhere near his neck, tingles shoot down the skin. Koshi bites down on his lip, face flushing, as he tilts his head and bears his neck.Daichi understands, because of course he does. How many times have they been here? Daichi smiles again and leans forwards, his hand cradling Koshi’s head as he presses his lips to the presented skin.Koshi’s body shivers, the feeling of Daichi is almost overwhelming. His chest aches as lips press soft chaste kisses up the column of his neck.Don't take this, please don't take this away from me. It's useless to beg. It's his own fucking brain. But…sometimes it feels like begging for mercy is all he has. His hand find Diachi’s shoulder, he holds on harder than is fully necessary. Daichi kisses his way up to Koshi’s ear, he takes a moment to just brush his lips over the ridges of cartilage.Koshi gasps out, the light teasing touches sending tingles all over his scalp. “Daichi,” he whispers, trying to urge his partner along.Koshi can hear the smile in Daichi’s voice when he says, “Yes my love?” each word is punctuated with a soft kiss on his cheek that travels closer to his lips. Koshi’s hand curls up to wrap around the back of Daichi’s neck.It hurts. As good as it feels is also how much it hurts. The ache in his chest is so persistently trying to pull him down. Why? Why do you have to be like this?Just push through.He pulls Daichi close to him, kissing the spot just beside his mouth. Daichi’s hand slides down to the middle of his back before it pushes gently, forcing their bodies together. His palm rests there, halfway up Koshi’s spine.Their lips find each other. Despite how many times they have been here, the slow way that it builds always makes it feel new. Koshi desperately wants to fall into this feeling. He wants to be able to let go of everything that haunts him and just enjoy this.He lets his mouth join with Daichi's. He's so warm and soft. The hand along his back flexes, pulling Koshi even closer. Daichi gently nips at his bottom lip. Koshi can feel the action with his whole body.This is what you wanted. You wanted to feel something. His brain focuses on the fingers pressing into his backside. Diachi moans softly against his lips and everything suddenly feels like too much. He tucks his head down by Daichi’s chin. He hates this. He hates this so fucking much. Why can't his body handle anything?Daichi just loosens his grip but stays put. It's so frequent he just knows the drill by now. Koshi gets a vision of Daichi reaching in past his spine and just tugging the damn void out. Then Koshi could be good.“Sorry,” Daichi whispers against his hair.Koshi feels the tears well up again, “Please, please don't apologize,” he can't bear to hear it. It feels like Koshi is being pulled in two different directions. Daichi is going to hate it.His hand that is still holding Daichi’s neck grabs on harder. “Can you keep going? Even if I cry?”Koshi feels Diachi tense against him. He hates it. Of course he hates it. Was stupid to even ask.“Why?”“I…” Koshi falters. Why indeed? He presses his forehead into Daichi's shoulder. He doesn't want to have to listen to his body. He wants to push past when his mind cries out ‘No’ and find out what is on the other side. And at this point, it's not like things can get worse.Koshi tilts his head up and starts to kiss Daichi right above the collar of his shirt. He can hear how Daichi's breath catches, “Baby, wait, please talk to me.”Koshi sighs, letting his head land against Daichi’s shoulder. Really? Do we really need to? Daichi is too good, of course they need to talk about it.Koshi takes a deep breath, “I want to continue, even though my body doesn't.”“Hun,-”Koshi just already knows the logic that is about to come out of his partner's mouth. He cuts him off, “Dai, please.” It is quiet between the two of them. Koshi’s fingertips brush against the hairline on the back of Daichi’s neck. Please. Please Diachi.Daichi’s arms wrap around him and rolls onto his back, bringing Koshi with him. Daichi squeezes him and groans. Koshi does love how it feels to be wrapped in Daichi’s arms like this. He lays his head down and listens to his partner’s heart. Steady and reliable, just like Daichi.One of Daichi’s hands comes up to brace the back of Koshi’s head.The word “Okay,” rumbling through a solid chest catches Koshi off guard. Okay? Really?Koshi sits up a little, his knees bracing against the bed on either side of Daichi’s hips. He looks into Diachi’s deep dark eyes.“We stop, for any reason,” Daichi says, eyes staying fixed on Koshi.He nods in agreement and lets out an involuntary squeak when Daichi squeezes his middle. “Fuck, I love you Koshi,” Daichi whispers into his neck, “I love you so much.”Koshi already feels his resolve wavering. If he's going to start crying he doesn't want to be a storm cloud up above Daichi. “Will you get on top?”They roll again, Koshi cushioned by Daichi’s arms. When he opens his eyes Daichi is above him, smiling that lovely fucking smile. “Better?”Koshi wraps his arms around Daichi’s neck and pulls him down. Daichi’s chest rumbles in sweet laughter as he connects their mouths. Koshi keeps holding onto Daichi tight. He lifts his legs and wraps them around Daichi's waist to pull him down here too. Koshi eats the surprised noise that comes out of Daichi’s mouth.As much as his brain screams ‘No,” Koshi wants it. He wants to be able to have Daichi touch all of him like this. It's simple. It should be simple. Strong hands - hands that he used to study when they sat next to each other in class - wind into his hair. Daichi never holds him down, but he does hold him.The guilt hits hard, and shame follows quickly after. There was that one time that Daichi held him down. It has been for a good reason.Koshi keeps his arms locked around Daichi’s neck. He lets his body fall into the motions of their mouths moving together.Daichi had only held him down because he was a danger to himself. Koshi doesn't often lose it like that. He isn't even totally sure why Kageyama had infuriated him like that. He was always sort of infuriating…but Koshi had really fucking lost it. Like, way disproportionate to what had even happened.How dare Kageyama have the fucking audacity to treat Asahi that way, like everyone on the team hadn't made space for his fucking narcissistic personality. Koshi had managed to keep his head, just long enough to pull Kageyama aside.As soon as Koshi had him cornered it seemed like Kageyama realized how badly he had misstepped. He was young, still learning how to exist with teammates that wouldn't fucking drop him, still learning how to trust. Doesn't excuse that shit though. Of everyone, only Noya had the right to talk to Asahi like that.Koshi walked out of those gym doors, leaving Kageyama behind to endure taunts from Tsukishima and whispered questions from Shoyo. It felt like his blood was literally heating up, burning him alive from the inside. There was so much rage and hatred growing in his body. It had no place to go. For once, something was overwhelming the void in his chest. He had to feel it. All of the anger inside of him was his to fucking deal with.It had to go somewhere, for God's sake all of this feeling had to fucking go somewhere. Before he knew it his fists were hitting the raw concrete wall of the clubhouse building. The surface before him blurred. He remembers feeling surprised when he realized that he was crying.“Kou, stop!” the feeling of something grabbing his hands just made the anger flare brighter. He pushed the vague form in front of him. After he pushed once it was like he couldn't stop. He just wanted to hurt something.“Koshi! Ko - shi-” Daichi grabbed his wrists, trying to keep Koshi’s fists off of him. Koshi doesn't even know where the scream came from. He'd never yelled like that before. His back hit the wall, wrists pinned on either side of him.“Let me go! Fucking let me go!” His head thrashed forward clocking Daichi in the nose. The hands released him immediately. Koshi remembers falling to his knees, watching droplets fall down onto the concrete below him. He hit. He hit the ground again and again until Daichi was on top of him.“Stop, please stop,” Daichi’s voice cut through the rage. Koshi squeezed his eyes shut, fighting the urge to struggle. Then he cried. He cried, loud and raw while Diachi held him down to the ground.“It hurts,” Koshi cried, lifting his head to let it fall and crack against the concrete.“Stop!” Daichi released his hands to instead grab his head. Koshi grit his teeth together. Now if he hit his head he'd also be crushing Daichi’s fingers. So of course he didn't.“Koshi, stop,” Daichi’s voice sounded so fragile and broken. When droplets landed on his face Koshi knew it was either tears or blood from the nose he smashed. He would have rathered it be blood.The fingers in his hair now, in his bed, in the apartment he shares with Daichi, feel so similar to how the fingers had felt that day. Like he is being held so that he is protected from himself.This is wrong. He knows it's wrong. His body hasn't stopped screaming at him this whole time. Yet he ignored it and kept kissing, kept trying to pull Daichi closer.He can't do it anymore. His legs relax and his hips fall back down onto the bed. He releases his arms from around Daichi’s neck. He's crying. He looks up through misty eyes to see Daichi watching him.Maybe he was wrong. Maybe it could get worse. He turns his head to the side, needing a break from Daichi’s intense stare. Thinking about that memory made a desire well up inside of him. Something so shameful he will never be able to tell Daichi.He closes his eyes and takes as steady of breaths as he can. Why doesn't the void suck this up? Why does the void only leave him with shit like this? With the desire that Daichi would hit him and give him something real to hurt about. It's awful. It's so awful. He knows. He wants it anyway.“Baby,” Daichi whispers. Gentle fingers brush Koshi’s cheek. Daichi is always so soft. So kind. So gentle. Daichi will never hurt him.He raises his hands up to his eyes. The sound that comes out of his throat surprises him. He almost never cries aloud. Apparently he's been pushed so far that he's here. His body curls up, sobs wracking him. Why was the knowledge that Daichi will never hit him the last straw? Why was that the thing that got him to actually cry? He knows why.“I'm sorry,” he says through the tears. He feels Diachi lay down beside him and wrap an arm around his middle.“Never apologize,” Daichi says into hair.Really? Even when he’s holding in something so terrible?But, in the end, Koshi is selfish. He lets himself be held while he cries. He layers his hands over where Daichi is holding him.I'm sorry Daichi. I'm so sorry.
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
Daichi holds his partner. He can't tell for how long. It doesn't really matter. He's not sure if he should be relieved or frightened that Koshi cried so hard. It makes him think about that time he found Suga smashing his fists against the wall. That had been the first time Koshi showed Daichi his rage.It had been so scary to see Koshi like that. Daichi’s arm instinctively holds on a little tighter. He wants to be able to help so badly. To relieve even just a little of the burden. There has to be something, right?When things had been better, what was the common thread? He knows the answer in his gut. Everything has changed so much, nothing is going to be like how it was. The team, those years playing together, working for and believing in something impossible.Daichi can't turn back time and get that all back. And from how the phone call went, maybe that's not actually what his partner needs. We have to leave this bed, he thinks as he nestles his nose against Koshi’s hair. One more minute. Then he'll make them both get up. Just one more minute.…There is a chance that all the planning will end up falling through. He plans anyway. Spring break is a little over a week long. Daichi knows that Koshi is looking forward to rotting and ‘recovering’ from the kids. Daichi also knows that doing things as they have been will just get them the same results. Daichi has to try.He's so lost in browsing through options that he doesn't feel Koshi behind him until hands are sliding around his waist. He quickly clicks off his phone. He's nervous for Koshi to find out, even though he will have to sooner than later. What if Koshi immediately shuts it all down? Daichi wants to be able to present his plan in a way that will make it manageable for his partner.The hands that had been starting to wrap around him pull away. Daichi turns in the seat, realizing how utterly bad this all looks. Koshi is standing there, hands hanging limply at his sides. His gaze is pointed towards the ground, a hauntingly absent look on his face.“Koshi,” Daichi doesn't even have anything prepared to say beyond that.“I understand,” Koshi murmurs. His eyes stay down.Daichi highly doubts that.“We can talk about it. You have needs too.”
These words send Daichi’s head spinning. Talk about what? Did he see? Daichi scrambles to remember what he had even been browsing. Was it hotel rooms?Koshi suddenly looks up, his eyes hold a collection of tears that are threatening to fall, “Is it somebody we know?” His hand grabs roughly at the back of his own neck and he turns away, “Actually I don't think I want to know who it is.”The broken ideas all start to click together. Daichi stands abruptly, nearly knocking the chair over. “No! There is nobody!”Daichi can't believe that Koshi thinks that he's…what? Cheating? And he's just acting like he's fine with it?Koshi stands there, his fingernails digging into the back of his neck, “You're always so gentle and respectful and you always stop and it's been so long since…It's okay, it's okay to need that.” Koshi laughs, the sound sends chills down Daichi’s spine. How is this fucking happening right now? He knows that he needs to interrupt this. He knows he needs to do something.“Did you ever do it here?” Koshi says the words so casually, like he isn't implying the worst fucking thing. Daichi’s body finally moves. He grabs onto Koshi’s face, forcing the man to look at him directly. Daichi sees that the tears have started to fall, leaving twin tracks down his partner's face.“There is nobody. I promise with all of my heart that there is nobody but you.”Koshi chuckles, like he's amused by what Daichi is earnestly saying. He doesn't believe me, Daichi realizes.Suddenly Koshi is falling to his knees, escaping Daichi’s grasp. He looks up, gray eyes shining, “I can be better, I can do more,” Koshi grabs onto his pants on either leg, “I can do it, Daichi.”Koshi smiles up at him. Despite the curve to his lips, his eyes are terrified. Daichi caves, knees hit the floor and he wraps his arms around Koshi. What the fuck? What the fuck, what the fuck, what the fuck?“No baby, no, no, you've got it all wrong,” Daichi holds Koshi’s head to his chest, “I've never wanted to be with anyone else, I promise.”“It's okay, I'm not mad,” Koshi says into his shoulder and Daichi’s heart just about breaks. Where is this coming from? Why does Koshi seem so unsurprised?Daichi holds onto him so tightly. Koshi doesn't understand. He could never fathom how much Daichi means it when he says ‘I love you’.He pulls back despite how badly he wants to stay wrapped about his partner.“I'm planning something for us.”Koshi’s voice breaks, “Wh-what?” his nose and eyes are pink from crying. Daichi wants to kiss every part of Koshi that hurts.“Koshi, I want to try something. It might be hard and tiring, but I promise to be there for you if you crash. I just need to try, please let me.” What he is really asking is ‘please trust me’.Koshi just looks at him, seemingly endless tears dripping from his clumped lashes.Daichi bites the inside of his cheek hard. Koshi thought he was cheating. And worst of all he planned to just let Daichi continue.Daichi cups the man’s cheeks in either of his hands. Oh love, it's not about what you can do for me. It's you, it's just you.“Why?” Koshi asks.Daichi isn't fully sure what the question is referring to. The moment feels far too heavy to ask for clarification.“Because I love you more than life itself. I don't want a life you're not in.”Koshi's head falls down onto his shoulder, “I'm not anything.”Daichi rubs his back, holding in his own tears. I'm never going to give up on you, Koshi. Never. No matter how bad it gets.…Koshi can't get the thoughts out of his head. As soon as he saw Daichi frantically close his phone on prices for a hotel room, it was over.I'm not enough. Of course. He knew, in the back of his mind, he knew that this day would come. When your partner can barely function…it's only normal to look elsewhere.How long? How long has Daichi been getting what he needs somewhere else? It's fine. It's fine. His tiny scrap of self esteem crumbles around him. It's fine.Daichi keeps saying no. Koshi keeps seeing it anyways. The vague form of somebody under Daichi. Or maybe they'd be on top because they aren't lazy like Koshi. He can tell that his fingernails are digging into his neck. He can't stop seeing it. Daichi, sweaty and smiling.Koshi can change. He can be what Daichi needs. Please - Koshi looks up at Daichi's face, his fingers grab onto the pants in front of him - please don't leave me. Don't like him so much that you realize that you can do better.He's getting that feeling. Like he can't handle having to be himself. Somehow Daichi is hugging him, still telling him ‘No’.It's okay Daichi, “It's okay, I'm not mad,” it's true, he's not mad. He is scared. Oh so scared. Daichi's hand holds him close, a hand on the back of his head. Why? Why hold him?Daichi lets him go, pulls back and forces eye contact. Koshi wants to look away. He makes himself stay put.“I'm planning something for us,” Daichi says with a seriousness that Koshi can't understand. Planning something? He's so confused. Koshi wants to close his eyes and forget all of this. Can he go back to not knowing?Daichi keeps trying to explain,“I just need to try, please let me.”Koshi still doesn't understand, but with his cheeks in Daichi's hands there is nowhere to look except at Daichi’s earnest and honest face. He's telling the truth. How…why? Why is Daichi satisfied with him?Apparently he asks this out loud because suddenly Daichi is declaring his love. It's not even close to the first time Daichi has said such things. In light of everything though, it is just plain overwhelming.“I'm not anything.” It's not even the void talking. It's just him. Daichi keeps whispering into his ear, telling him all the things he loves about Koshi. They aren't true. Poor Daichi fell in love with Suga. But that's not who he is. He isn't fully sure who he is but he's positive it isn't the person Daichi is describing.Someday he'll realize. Koshi should just be thankful for the time he has until then. Koshi decides to let Daichi try. Whatever the man has apparently decided to do, Koshi will go along and let the man try.“I love you,” Koshi knows he doesn't even deserve to say these words. But he's selfish, so he does anyway.…Koshi looks out the window. The world has come back to life these past few weeks. Bleak browns and grays have erupted into light green growth and pink blossoms. Towns flash by and then the roadside is consumed by vegetation again.Koshi likes spring. He might even love it. He has always hated the gray that comes with winter. He once considered moving to a place where he would never have to see the color again. But, his life hadn't gone that direction. When he looks at Daichi he finds that he loves the color brown. Like Daichi’s hair, that brown is deep and raw, like freshly turned nutrient-rich earth. It suits him. He is always making those around him flourish and grow.He doesn't know what Daichi has planned. The man had said that it wasn't a secret, and that he would be happy to go over the itinerary with Koshi. Honestly, it feels better to just trust. Part of him doesn't want to know what the days ahead of them hold.He can tell that they are driving south. As the miles go by the landscape grows more and more vibrant. Life is returning to the planet right before his eyes. He turns away from the window and looks at Daichi. He had a hand casually slung over the steering wheel, his other on the gear shift. His dark tones and tan skin look so good against the new spring green background.Daichi doesn't have Koshi’s aversion to winter. It seems like he never gets cold, he actually finds the snow to be beautiful, and he loves the holidays. Koshi will never understand. The days end so early, everything dies, the cold sinks into his bones to the point that it hurts. How can Daichi love something so barren?Daichi glances over, catching him staring. He smiles, that brilliant fucking smile that melts a tiny part of Koshi’s heart. Even though Diachi loves winter, Koshi wishes he didn't have to experience it. Wouldn't you be happier in a place where nothing died?“You doing okay? Need to stop?” Daichi shifts his gaze back to the windshield.Koshi imagines what Daichi would be like if he were only surrounded by beautiful, lively things. He would shine even brighter. So why? Why does he stay?“Hun?” Daichi quickly glances over again, his smile gone.“All good,” Koshi replies.
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
The roads start to get narrower and the forests creep up to arch over the roadway. The canopy isn't fully grown yet but it still dampens the sun and casts everything into shades of green. Koshi looks over again, actually starting to wonder where the heck Daichi is taking him, because this is getting pretty rural.The directions have them turn onto a dirt road. Koshi would be lying if he didn't have the fleeting thought that this would be a good place to get murdered. Nobody around for miles…fuck does anybody even know that they are on this trip?He takes a deep breath. Daichi isn't a killer. Daichi planned something nice. There isn't a need to worry. It's fine. It's all fine.His breath leaves him all at once when they round a bend of the dirt road. The trees fall away to expose a small cabin against a lake. Koshi’s eyes trace over everything, the tulips just beginning to open, the way the sun shines on the calm surface of the water, and even a back porch leading to a simple volleyball net.Koshi grabs onto Daichi's arm as he puts it in park.“Daichi, this must have cost a fortune!” After seeing Daichi browse prices for hotels Koshi hadn't ever considered that they would wind up in a place like this. It's…it's too good.“Well, our honeymoon might have to be a little shorter.”Koshi blinks at him, fingers still wrapped around his bicep. Did he just…did he really just say that? Daichi's ears are tinged pink when he gently shakes Koshi off of him, “Let's go in,” Daichi climbs out of his side.Koshi watches him move and listens to the sound of him opening the trunk. How can he just…say something like that? Does he mean it? Panic sinks down into his stomach. This is too much. He stares ahead at the house, well really it's like a fricken cottage. Koshi suddenly has a better understanding of what he has agreed to. The whole week is going to be like this. Overwhelming. Too nice. Too much.“-oshi? Hey? Koshi?” a hand on his shoulder finally snaps him out of it and he hears Daichi. He can't do this. He can't do a whole week of this. He's not even sure he can do 10 more minutes.“I can’t-” he whispers, watching how the tulips shift in the breeze. It’s too…Daichi sits down on the dirt and leans his head forwards to rest on Koshi’s leg.“Take your time, just look for a while. There is no rush.”Koshi forces himself to breathe deeply. Just look. He lets his hand fall into Daichi’s hair. Just look for a while.With the door open he can hear all of the ambient sounds that come with being so rural. Birds chirp and dart through the clearing. Although the lake is calm it still makes a gentle lapping noise. The breeze rustles the trees, shaking loose petal blossoms. He feels his body sink back into the seat. His fingers move through Daichi’s hair.Is the whole week going to be like this? Just a series of events which leave Koshi overwhelmed and needing to slow down? He's starting to wish they had gone over the itinerary. It feels like a failure to ask for it now.“Daichi, why are you doing this?” the brown haired man turns to look up at him. “And don't say because you love me.”Daichi presses his mouth against Koshi’s leg and closes his eyes. When he turns back again his eyes carry a weight that Koshi doesn't understand.“It feels like I want to share something. I'm not quite sure what it is. It's almost…allusive. But I can feel that it's there.”Daichi is smart, but sometimes the way he thinks is so abstract. He's not often wrong though. Like the way he threw Tobio and Shoyo together, letting their conflicting intensities somehow multiply into something unbelievable. So…can he trust Daichi’s gut instinct now?“I promise to catch you,” Daichi reminds.Koshi closes his eyes. He hates that he needs catching. When will he be there to catch Daichi? It sucks. It fucking sucks. It feels so unbalanced. As soon as Koshi started letting down his walls and showing his true self everything tilted. He's too heavy. Everything inside of him is too damn heavy.“Yeah,” Koshi opens his eyes and looks at how the warm sun hits Daichi’s hair, “let's go in.”…It's loud. The bass thumps through the whole house. Koshi swears that the picture frames are bouncing off the wall. Daichi stays close to him but not so close that he can actually be accused of hovering.There are only a couple weeks left before they each go to their separate colleges. Koshi wants to cling. He wants Daichi to cling. He also wants to push him away. It's confusing how his heart keeps tugging him one way and then the opposite.It's especially confusing how he hates it when Daichi talks to anybody except him. Yet he also hates it when Daichi gives him his undivided attention.Soon Koshi won't be around, he won't be the person closest to Daichi. The thought makes him want to set fire to this house. Instead, he drinks. He's never really done this before- all through high school he was always on the straight and narrow. His parents fricken encouraged him to drink tonight, to ‘let off some steam.’ He's pretty sure they only said that because they knew Daichi would be there.“He's not my keeper,” Koshi grumbles to himself as he pours more of the mystery punch into his cup.“What?” Daichi asks over the music.Koshi shakes his head, trying to say nothing, don't worry about it.Daichi shrugs and goes back to looking over the food options. Koshi steps back and lets himself look for a moment. Daichi chose to wear a tight black shirt. It shows off his arms in the best way and somehow makes his back look broader than it actually is.Who did he wear it for? Stop being dumb, Koshi tells himself, tipping the cup back against his lips. Whatever the drink is, it's sweet, but Koshi can tell that there is something hard underneath. It burns on the way down.The kitchen is starting to get crowded. More people file in, many yelling over the music. Koshi gets pushed up against a wall in an attempt to stay out of the way. A young woman goes up to Daichi at the counter. She seems vaguely familiar, she's probably from Karasuno, also enjoying her last moments of summer. She's flushed, as she looks up at Daichi while he talks. She motions that she can't hear him and he leans down closer to her ear.Stop being stupid, Koshi.He sees his chance and slips out of the kitchen. Everything is dark and loud and Daichi is whispering into some girl’s ear. He finds a door to the outside and everything suddenly feels more manageable. Even though the night air is warm and slightly muggy, it's still better than the stuffy air inside the house. He finds a spot to sit down and nurse his drink.With the music far more muted and no confining walls around him he can finally breathe. She had been pretty.Koshi tilts his head back against the wall behind him. The sky is clear enough that the stars are visible. There are going to be lots of pretty people at college. Their lives at Karasuno pushed the two of them together. Now they are shifting to the next stage. 3 hours in-between their two schools. They are going from sharing classes every day to 3 hours of distance.Daichi is anxious too. Tokyo is a big city compared to their rural town. Koshi knows that Daichi is going to do great. Anything he puts his mind to he will accomplish. It's just who he is.Koshi keeps looking up at the dark sky. The next day will come. It always does. His body is starting to feel loose and warm. This is kinda nice. He lets his body stay slumped against the wall as he watches the stars twinkle.He knows Daichi is probably inside, talking to people just as pretty as he is. The buzz inside of him makes it so that Koshi isn't as bothered by it. Whoever he's talking to hasn't seen the true Daichi. The version of him where there is nothing but focus and impending triumph in his eyes. Or the version of him where his hair is completely tussled from constant worrying as he works through a difficult math problem. Or…the version of him that can barely keep his eyes open on a bus ride back from a game. His smile is always so dopey and sweet when he's tired.Fuck. Stop being stupid Koshi. When he closes his eyes his head starts to swim. He kind of likes it. There is no room for actual thoughts when everything just keeps spinning.“Koshi?” That deep voice. Koshi opens his eyes, a smile already in his face. Daichi is standing up above him. Why is he looking so sad?“Are you okay? I looked all over for you.”Something swells up in Koshi’s chest. You looked for me? “I just needed some air.”“Do you want to leave?” Daichi asks, leaning his shoulder against the wall beside Koshi. Daichi crosses his arms and it's so unfair. You're going to ruin that shirt at this rate, Koshi thinks to himself. He ends up laughing, imagining Daichi flexing hard enough to actually rip it.Koshi can't stop laughing, especially when Daichi switches to a hand on his hip. Oh god. It's too much, “Take me back in, I need some more of this,” Koshi says gesturing with his empty glass.Daichi’s eyebrow raises but he doesn't actually fight Koshi about not drinking more. Koshi takes the hand offered to him and winds up on his feet. Oh man, this is even more fun. He giggles, still holding Daichi’s hand. He feels unsteady as hell but he doesn't mind. Honestly, he's pretty sure that if he face planted it wouldn't even hurt. He pushes on Daichi’s arm, trying to push him towards the door that leads back inside. He definitely needs more of this punch.He stumbles after Daichi, pushing on his back. This damn shirt just leaves nothing to the imagination. Daichi stops short and Koshi slams into his back. It should hurt, especially his nose, which got crushed. He steps back and raises a hand to his face.“Shit! Sorry,” Daichi has hands on Koshi’s head. He's warm. Koshi checks his hand, well his nose isn't bleeding. “Are you okay?”“Yeah, I'm fine Daichi,” he breathes out, eyes looking up. His friend is really close. Daichi has a hand braced against the wall, almost caging Koshi in, protecting him from the constant shuffle of people.He's drunk. Don't be stupid Koshi. Don't be stupid.Daichi steps back, his hand landing on the back of his own neck. “Okay, good.” They both wind up in the kitchen again and Koshi tops off his cup. The music doesn't seem so terribly loud anymore. He likes how he can actually feel the music inside of him.He glances at Daichi who is reaching out across a table to grab something to eat. Those arms. Those damn fucking arms.Koshi grabs his arm, “Dance with me.”Daichi’s eyes go wide, “Huh?” Koshi feels Daichi’s arm get tense under his hand.“Come on Daichi! Dance with me.”Daichi glances around, like he’s searching for a way out of this. Koshi pivots so he’s in front of Daichi. He looks up into those beautiful brown eyes. “Y-You really want to?” Daichi asks.Koshi nods, giving his best, ‘aren't I cute?’ face. “Uh, yeah, okay,” Daichi agrees. Koshi smiles and starts pulling him to another part of the house.“Wait, I think you should eat first, all you've done is drink-” but it feels too good. Koshi doesn't want to miss it. He doesn't want to stop being brave enough to ask for the things he wants.“Shit Koshi, wait!” There is apparently something happening in the hallway because Daichi pulls him back just a moment before a fairly large human barrels down the length of the house. Lord only knows what they are doing. What Daichi is doing is holding Koshi by the hips. He's drunk. Soon they both go to school. He can be stupid. He grabs Daichi’s face and pulls him down to Koshi’s level.Koshi steps back, letting his body fall against the wall, his firm grasp bringing Daichi with him.“Ko-”Koshi doesn't want to hear it, so he kisses Daichi. He grabs onto soft brown hair. So many times he thought about touching this hair.“Koshi - Koshi” Daichi’s voice is urgent but between the words he's kissing back. Hands still gripping his hips. Koshi is positive that he can feel each individual finger dig into his skin. His brain is drowning. All he feels is all of the places Daichi is touching him. Koshi feels hot, and he can't quite tell if it's him or Daichi.“Wait-” Daichi tries to pull back against where Koshi is holding his hair. They are close enough that Koshi can hear the breath Daichi sucks in when his hair gets pulled. Koshi leans forward trying to chase those lips.“Koshi, please-”Koshi winces when his forehead clunks against something hard. He cracks an eye open to see that Daichi is pressing their foreheads together, hands still on Koshi’s hips.“You're drunk,” Daichi whispers.“Yeah,” Koshi confirms, tilting his head to try and start kissing again. Daichi had been kissing him back, it wasn't just one sided.“Please,” Koshi whines, closing his eyes, “You're going to Tokyo soon, it's fine,” he can feel each of Daichi’s breaths against his lips.“I can't,” Daichi whispers.Liar. Koshi is being stupid, so he yanks on Daichi’s hair and connects their lips again.“Koshi,” Daichi sighs, letting himself be maneuvered. Koshi’s heart is beating so fucking fast in his chest. He can't believe this is happening. He can't believe Daichi is kissing him back. Koshi’s body moves forward seeking more of Daichi.He gasps, fuck…Daichi. His face feels like it's burning. His hands fall out of Daichi’s hair to grasp at his back. This damn fucking shirt. Koshi wants to rip it off of him.Koshi presses against Daichi’s frontside to feel it again. To feel how Daichi wants him. Daichi gasps into his mouth.Those strong hands push him away. Koshi’s back hits the wall, not hard enough to hurt, but hard enough to be insulting. What the fuck?Daichi is a step away, pressing the back of his hand against his mouth. His face is flushed bright pink, all the way to the tips of his ears.“I'm sorry, I'm sorry,” Daichi won't look at him.The buzz no longer feels good. It feels like Koshi wants to puke. His stomach turns. Fine. He turns and walks away as fast as his body will let him. He hears Daichi call out after him. Fine. Fine. Fine. It's all fine.He's back outside gulping in air that is too hot and humid. It feels like he can't get an actual breath. He crouches down in a shadowed spot alongside the outside of the house. He pulls on the back of his neck, his eyes burning. So stupid. So fucking stupid.Is there a chance that if he just keeps drinking he can forget it? Can he go back to not knowing what it felt like to be pushed away by Daichi?“I want to forget. I want to take it back,” Koshi whispers to himself.
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
Holy shit. Holy shit. Daichi hears himself call out after the flash of gray hair as it disappears around the corner. He - oh that was so much fucking more than a kiss on the cheek. He touches his own face, wondering if it feels hot to the touch.He's…unfortunately not in a great position to go running after Koshi. He stays facing the wall and runs a hand through his hair. Holy…that had felt really good. Like, really, really good. His heart is still racing.“Oh my God, oh my God,” he whispers to himself, praying to that same God that he calms down sometime soon. He bites down onto his lip hard, hoping that some pain speeds things along. All that does is remind him how it had felt when Koshi pulled his hair. Not helping. Not helping at all.He groans, lightly hitting the wall in frustration. Okay, he just has to brave the embarrassment and go find Koshi. Luckily the house party is fairly dark. He skips the step of searching the inside of the house and goes straight outside. He goes around the perimeter of the house twice. Fuck.He rubs at his face with the palms of his hands. Fuck. Where is he? He's drunk, like, apparently drunk enough to kiss Daichi like…that. He's too drunk to be on his own. Daichi takes out his phone and calls. He's not surprised when it goes to voicemail.“Hey, Koshi, please call me back, I want to make sure you're safe and,” he has no clue how to verbalize all the crazy feelings racing around the inside of him body, “and I'm sorry I pushed you, I just didn't want that to be happening because you were drunk.”He ends the call and stares down at the phone, willing something to appear. Please Koshi. Please. He's torn. He knows he needs to make a decision. Should he go see if Koshi started home or check inside? It almost feels like a scream is welling up inside of him. Is this how Koshi had felt like that day he freaked out? If so, Daichi gets it. Hitting the wall seems like a decent option at this point.Instead he starts to run. He goes down the driveway to the road. It isn't too far to reach the Sugawara household. At the beginning of the night they had met up there to walk to the party since it was so close. When they left, Koshi’s parents had also been heading out. They had asked Daichi to take care of him, keep an eye on him, and then this all fucking happened. He runs harder, thankful that he made the choice to stay more or less sober.He approaches the Suga house. Anxiety creeps in when he notices that all of the windows are dark. Did he make the wrong choice? Should he have stayed at the party? He tries the handle and finds that the door is unlocked. It's not that uncommon in their relatively small town. He pokes his head in, “Koshi?” the house stays silent in response. He walks in closing the door behind him. He tries calling his phone again.He thinks…yeah it sounds like the faint buzzing of a phone. Daichi quickly goes through the house, searching for the sound. Where are you? Please be okay. Please don't be, like, passed out in your own vomit. God. Why didn't Daichi go after him right away? Why did he push Koshi away at all?I was scared, he thinks as he checks the various rooms. I was scared of what it all meant. I was scared that it didn't mean something. That Koshi was just drunk and would have kissed anybody. His stomach flips at the realization. He stops, only a few rooms left to check, one of them being Koshi’s bedroom.What if it didn't mean anything? What if Daichi just happened to be there?“Koshi? Are you up here?” his voice cracks when he calls down the hall. Silence returns to him. He walks to Koshi’s room and turns on the light. He glances around what appears to be an empty bedroom. Years they spent together studying in this room. All the times it got so late that Daichi would sleep on the floor futon, listening to Suga breathe. And all the times he would stay up with Suga just talking because he couldn't fall asleep.It's really all over. Their lives are never going to be quite like that ever again. He turns into the last room, the bathroom.There is his gray hair shining in the moonlight. Koshi is so still that Daichi has to hold back panic. He's breathing though. Why the hell did he fall asleep in the tub? Daichi sits down outside the tub wall. He leans on the barrier and just looks. Koshi’s face is soft, his cheeks and nose are tinged pink. Daichi restrains the urge to reach out and pet his hair.Koshi……Everything is disorienting. And why the fuck does everything ache? He lifts his head, pushing against a hard surface. He sucks in a gasp when his eyes focus enough to realize that Daichi is right in front of him. He's asleep, head resting on his folded arms on the edge of the tub. The tub?Oh yeah, he kinda remembers deciding that this was better than the bed in case he threw up. So…Daichi came looking for him, again.Daichi pushed him away but then he still showed up afterwards. He grabs the edge of the tub and tries to lift himself upright. God everything hurts.“Koshi?” Daichi’s sleepy voice fills the small space. Daichi’s eyes peek open and a hand comes to feel Koshi's forehead and cheek, “You feeling okay?”Koshi turns his face away. He is very much not drunk anymore and he does still remember. Daichi’s hand drops to the edge of the tub. Koshi is running through things he could say to get Daichi to leave when the man speaks again.“I'm sorry I pushed you away, I was…I was afraid, because I didn't know why you were kissing me.”Does he really not know why? It seems pretty obvious…“Sorry,” Koshi says, “I was just being dumb.”“Oh,” Daichi breathes out. The silence between them is heavy. Koshi braces against the wall and climbs out of the tub. Daichi stays sitting, watching him. Take the hint Daichi. You're no longer needed. Koshi walks to his bedroom, unable to ignore the sound of Daichi following him.That familiar rage is building up inside of him. Just leave. Just fucking leave. You're going to go off and have a life, there is no reason to stay here. No reason to put the effort into this…this…“Koshi,” to be honest he's still not quite used to hearing that. It's been months since Daichi started calling him by his first name instead of Suga, but it still feels wrong.He halts in front of his bed, “You can cut that out.”“Wh- cut what out?Koshi turns, “This, just all of it. It was nice in high school but…don't you feel like it's done?”The room is dark, neither of them having turned on the light. He can't quite make out Daichi’s expression.Koshi sits down on the edge of the bed. Can't Daichi just forget it ever happened? It's not like they could ever actually have something between them.“Do you want it to be done?” Daichi asks. Koshi refuses to acknowledge the waiver in Daichi's voice.Koshi flops back to lay down. What does it matter what he wants? Koshi feels the bed dip next to him. Just stop, Daichi. It doesn't have to be this hard. Koshi opens his eyes to see that Daichi is looking down at him. Sweet, sweet Daichi. Loyal to a fault. Unable to prioritize himself over what he feels responsible for.That's why Koshi never fully let himself be himself with Daichi. He just knew that Daichi would fall into the role of caretaker and never let it go. He certainly can't now. It would just hurt so fucking much. The amount Daichi cares for him now is nearly too much.Why did Daichi have to kiss back? Koshi’s heart aches. Why did Daichi kiss back?Koshi held it all in for years so that he wouldn't end up trapping Daichi in his stupid honor and sense of responsibility. Koshi keeps looking up at Daichi. It's hard to see his eyes in the darkness of the room.Koshi can't stop the tears that start to overwhelm him. Stupid. So stupid. Koshi brings his fists to his eyes. No, he doesn't want it to end. He wants to feel known and loved, but he can't.I'm not good for you Daichi. Not the real me. I would just end up sucking you down with me.Foreign fingers on his cheek force a ragged sob out of his throat. Koshi can feel himself getting lost in the thoughts. You'd feel obligated to stay and help. But what you really deserve, Daichi, is a chance to be yourself. Without me. As much as I want it to be the opposite.“Why did you kiss me?” Koshi asks, his voice cracking over the tears.“Koshi…you kissed me,” Daichi says back.Koshi wishes the bed would swallow him up, “You kissed too.”Daichi’s hand pulls away from his cheek. Koshi looks through the tears and fingers blocking his view.“Did you get my voicemail?”God, sometimes Daichi can be so thick. Koshi shakes his head and Daichi sighs.“I’m sorry I pushed you away, I was scared.”Koshi’s head is really starting to hurt. It feels like this train wreck is happening in slow motion and he just has to lay here and watch it. Daichi couldn't ever really like him, not like that. Koshi sees the type of girls that Daichi talks to.“Didn't mean anything by it, don't worry, was just drunk,” the words flow right out of him. It's for the best, for everybody.The sound of Daichi sniffling actually catches his attention. Koshi moves his hands and looks up to find Daichi wiping his eyes, “Yeah, I know,” he says.He…Koshi has never really seen Daichi cry. Not like this. Tears of frustration after a loss, tears of relief after a win…Daichi pats Koshi’s leg, “Let me get you some water, and then you can sleep this off.” Koshi watches him go. Daichi is crying because…what? He's sad? He's…disappointed? Relieved?His friend, his best fucking friend comes back with glass of water. “Drink this, then I'll refill it for you to keep on the table.”Koshi looks up at him, “You never answered me. Why did you kiss back?”Daichi scratches the back of his head, “Does it matter? Come on, sit up and drink this.”Yes. Actually it does. Koshi props himself onto his arms but doesn't actually sit up. He’s willing to bet that withholding the act of hydrating himself will get Daichi to talk.“Daichi, you kissed me back.”Daichi sets down the cup and breathes out harshly through his nose. “Why does it matter? It didn't mean anything. You were drunk,” he's not speaking harshly. If anything, his words feel like something is breaking.“Something is wrong with me,” Koshi whispers. Whatever Daichi is breaking is tearing Koshi down too.Daichi glances at him for a moment, his fingers lingering by the base of the glass.“Is that why you kissed me? To find out if you…were like that?” Koshi watches Daichi press his knuckles against the table as he says this. Like…that? Does he mean…?Daichi speaks again, slicing through the heavy silence, “I don't think there is anything wrong with that, if you do…it's okay,” his voice sounds wrong. It sounds wrong and sad and hurt.Koshi is still struggling to get his brain and then his voice to work.“It's okay, I don't think it's wrong,” Daichi carefully lets out a breath, “And if I helped you figure something out, then I'm glad.”Daichi picks up the glass again, “It's okay,” he holds it out, trying again to get Koshi to drink. Daichi’s eyes catch the moonlight. They are gentle but there is such pain under them. Koshi blinks, staring at the glass of water.“You think I used you?”Daichi’s shoulders sag, “I'm not thinking of it like that, you were just curious.”The glass stays between them, shaking ever so slightly.Koshi’s eyes flash up to Daichi’s. Oh…is Daichi trying to protect Koshi…or himself? Koshi’s brain just keeps returning to the fact that Daichi kissed back.“I kissed you because I wanted to,” his heart pounds in his ears. Did Koshi really just say that aloud?“Yeah, I get it.” Daichi says, his voice thin. No, no he's not getting it.“I kissed you, because it was you.” Koshi forces himself to keep looking into Daichi’s dark eyes, “So why did you kiss me?”Daichi bites on his lip before he says, “Because I wanted to.” They stare at each other, both holding this new knowledge. Everything else Daichi said makes so much more sense. He was scared about what the kiss meant because he wanted it to mean something. So it had all been real, Daichi kissing back, Daichi getting…excited-‘You leave in a few weeks,” Koshi says, still looking up at Daichi. The dark haired man gives up on his pursuit to make Koshi hydrate by putting the glass back down. Daichi sits on the edge of the bed, his empty hands clasped in his lap.“We both leave.”“I'm just going to Sendai,” Koshi says back.He still can't quite see Daichi’s face enough to make out his expression.“I really don't think there is anything wrong with liking…this.” Daichi whispers.Oh, the poor boy is still stuck on that part. Koshi sits up and leans against Daichi. It's not more physical touch than they usually do, but it feels different because of what they both know.“That's not what I meant when I said something is wrong with me.”Daichi glances over but doesn't ask. The question is still felt. What did he mean?Koshi knows it's a bad idea, it would basically be stacking a new bad idea on top of his previous kissing one. But…he opens his hand and feels Daichi slide his fingers in between his own.“Sometimes…” God is he really going to do this? Right before they go to school? “Sometimes I'm not…not like this.” He takes in a shuddering breath. Once he opens this all up there is no closing it. Daichi isn't like that. And maybe Koshi wants Daichi to never let him go. He squeezes his hand.God, how can he even explain? It's not like…it's not even like it's a broken arm or a twisted ankle. It's just that his brain is - God what even is it? Sad? Empty? Those words don't describe how Koshi has to fight tooth and nail to just exist and do the bare minimum. They don't describe how every moment that should be happy somehow turns into an ache that drags him down. They don't describe how sometimes Koshi feels so numb and other times it's like he's going to fly into a thousands pieces - but Daichi already saw that part of him - already held his bloody knuckles down to stop him from continuing.“Koshi?”“Sometimes my brain hurts me. It sucks everything out of life until I wonder if it's even worth living. It aches, like a real ache, here,” he reaches his free hand up to his chest, “and it's getting worse. I used to be able to hide it but the other day when I freaked out, that was part of it. Sometimes it all bottles up inside of me until it explodes and then I do something crazy.”Daichi pulls Koshi’s hand into both of his own, holding it like it's something precious, “Koshi, I'm so sorry, I didn't know.”“I didn't let you know.” Koshi wants to pull his hand back. He shouldn't have told Daichi. He should have just kept going on as he had. Koshi’s eyes sting. Stupid. He's being so fucking stupid.He presses his face into Daichi’s shoulder, the tears overwhelming his eyes. Just tonight, he tells himself. Just going to be stupid tonight. Then I'll be strong enough to set Daichi free. Just tonight.His hand is dropped. Koshi's chest twists, the ache in his chest weirdly satisfied to watch Koshi be pushed away again. He gasps when two strong arms wrap around his body tugging him even closer.You can't. Daichi you can't. You can't let this be your problem too.He cries harder, his hands grabbing onto Daichi’s shirt. Leave, Daichi. Leave.He doesn't. Of course he doesn't. Koshi’s heart feels like it's breaking. He drenches Daichi’s shoulder in tears and snot. He just can't stop crying, his lungs hiccuping and working to catch a single breath.He feels it gathering in his chest, just like the day Daichi had held him down. All the things he shoved out of reach are resurfacing. His body doesn't feel to be his own, it's just a vessel for this torrent of feelings. He shoves his mouth against Daichi’s shoulder and screams. It's a haunting sound, even muffled, like the wail of a child or wounded animal.One mistake after another. Koshi is pretty sure he will never stop making these types of mistakes. How many will it take for Daichi to finally realize? How many times before he leaves for good?“I'm sorry,” he whispers through his raw throat. Koshi hates how good it feels to have Daichi hold him.
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
Even though it's beautiful, so beautiful, every step forward gets heavier. He can't accept this, it's too nice, too perfect. Daichi just keeps a hand wrapped around his back, walking alongside him. It's a lot harder to think of escape routes with that steady hand on him.“Shouldn't we unpack the car?”“I think it's okay to wait,” Daichi says, continuing to guide him to the water's edge. They stop a foot away from the highest mark of the water on the dirt. Here they can really hear the low rhythm of the water.Daichi plops down to sit on the dirt, tugging lightly on Koshi’s hand. He lowers himself down and sits next to Daichi. “Is this why you brought me here?” he jokes, “to sit by a lake?”“Yeah,”Koshi glares out at the water. Daichi takes his hand and kisses the back of it. Instead of releasing Koshi he just keeps holding that hand in his lap.“I love you, thank you for letting me try something,” Daichi's voice is soft like the ripples on the water.Koshi didn't really have a choice, not after everything that Daichi has done and sacrificed for him. It was the only choice to let him do this.Daichi’s thumb runs over his fingers. It makes Koshi want to pull his hand back. He knows Daichi would never actually push him to have sex but…Koshi does wonder if this is all some sort of plan to get him relaxed enough to do it.Koshi lets Daichi keep holding his hand and caressing his fingers. He watches the barely there waves pull and push. It's been months since they last, and Koshi is pretty sure he wound up crying at the end. Daichi is so affectionate and lively…it must hurt to not have what he really must want.Koshi often wonders about what Daichi would want if Koshi wasn't so broken. If he were normal, what would it look like? How often would they…it's dumb to think about. Koshi isn't normal. He will never be normal. He's always going to have the fucking void in his chest that he has to fight against.Really? Gonna cry here Koshi? You're gonna freeze up in the car and then immediately cry by the lake? You make every single moment difficult. How happy would Daichi be with someone who doesn't need all the things you need?“I'm not trying to be difficult,” Koshi whispers, still watching the water roll in and back out.“What is the story it's telling you?”Koshi feels his face grimace. This is an annoying trick that Daichi picked up when he insisted on couples counseling. Koshi is now always hearing those words ‘Tell me the story', ‘What is it telling you?’, ‘What is the story you're telling yourself?’.Koshi hates it. Probably because it works. It gives Koshi just enough space to see that the things he's telling himself aren't always true.Koshi sighs, trying to figure out a version he feels able to say out loud.“It's saying that you'd probably be happier with someone who can actually do stuff.”Daichi keeps gently petting his hand, “That sounds really hard. Do you want reassurance?”Another freaking annoying thing he picked up along the way. Apparently after Koshi shut down enough times upon hearing reassurance Daichi realized that he should make sure it's not going to be overwhelming first. It just points to all the ways Koshi needs ridiculous accommodations.He looks over to Daichi who is watching the water. You shouldn't need to be so careful. I shouldn't be so fragile.He shouldn't be, but he is, “I'm not sure I could handle that right now,” he says.“That's alright, my dear. Thank you for telling me.”And there he goes, thanking Koshi for being weak. He's not going to survive this week. It's going to be endless torment as his brain transforms every lovely moment into something shameful.“Daichi?” The taller man turns to look at him. Koshi forces himself to look straight ahead, “Why are we here?”Daichi hums and threads their fingers together, “I figure you're not asking in the existential sense?”Koshi squeezes his hand in warning.Daichi is quiet for a few moments, “I felt like something needed to change.” The words make Koshi feel sick. So there is a goal. Something Daichi wants. What if…what if Koshi can't figure it out? What if he can't do it?“Hey,” Daichi is turning Koshi's face with his hand so that they are looking at each other, “That wasn't a good way to phrase it, sorry, I don't feel like either of us needs to change, but maybe like the environment did? It felt like you were getting sucked down deep and I -” Daichi glances away, “I- I'm sorry, I'm not explaining this well.”Daichi lets go of Koshi’s face and runs a hand through his hair.“It feels like I want to show you what I love about life, I don't need you to love it too, but…I want to show you.”Honestly, that is so wholesome it's stupid. And it's definitely not putting more tears in Koshi’s eyes.“Koshi,” -please don't say something ridiculous right now Daichi, please- “You're one of the reasons I love life.”God fucking damn it.… Everything is warm and lovely. Koshi isn't sure he's felt this at peace in ages. It all startles away into panic when he realizes that the solid weight against him is an actual person. His body goes tense, unable to comprehend how - why - somebody is in his bed.“Are you awake?” that voice. That specific voice that Koshi will never get tired of hearing. Why is it that voice? Why is he in bed with…Daichi?As his brain reconnects he remembers, - the kiss, running away, crying, screaming. Oh.“I'm sorry,” Koshi whispers back, mentally trying to locate each of his limbs to extract himself from…Daichi, he's wrapped around Daichi.“It's okay,” Daichi breathes out, far, far too close to his ear, “After everything you just kinda fell asleep.”After everything…completely sober now, Koshi realizes how utterly stupid he really was. It doesn't matter if Daichi feels it back, it can't work. With how Koshi is…it can't work.“After everything?” Koshi asks. It's Daichi’s turn to go tense. It’s mean, maybe the most mean Koshi has ever done to Daichi. It's for the best because Daichi needs to go to college and live his life without this storm cloud raining over him.Koshi closes his eyes and takes a deep breath, “Did anything crazy happen?” He starts to detangle himself from Daichi, silently marveling at how closely they had slept. Daichi helps him get loose and sits up.“What do you remember?” Daichi asks. The edge in Daichi's voice feels like a knife against his skin.“Uh, I drank and I think at some point I went out for some air. Thanks for getting me home safe.”“Do you really not remember?”Koshi hasn't worked for years to hide the darkest parts of himself just to fail at lying now.He tilts his head, letting his eyes fall open wider, “Why? Did something happen?”Koshi watches Daichi’s eyes dart back and forth. Don't do it Daichi. Just let it go. Just let this go. Please…“You-” no…no Daichi, “-You kissed me, like, really kissed me,” Koshi closes his eyes. Why Daichi? Why do you have to be so honest?“And you told me about this,” Daichi takes Koshi’s hand and places it onto his chest, just like how Koshi had last night.Daichi’s gaze stays focused on where both their hands press, “Do you really not remember?”Koshi’s hand shakes. Which is worse? Daichi thinking he forgot or being rejected even though he remembers?Everything is narrowing down to that point of connection. Daichi’s hand over his. His chest accepts the pressure that Daichi exerts. I can't. We can't.He can feel his own heart jumping under his skin.“I remember,” he says quietly, refusing to meet Daichi’s eyes, “I don't want anything.”“What do you mean?” Daichi asks.“I just want to go to school.”Daichi’s hand falls away and without the pressure holding it there Koshi’s does too.“Oh, yeah, that makes sense,” Daichi murmurs, shifting to swing his legs over the edge of the bed. Koshi finally lets himself look up. Daichi has a hand over his mouth and his eyes look vacant as they stare across the room.Daichi picks at the edge of the blanket, “Koshi, please don't stop being my friend.”Daichi…isn't going to let him go, is he? Not without a push.“What if I said no?”Daichi’s mouth opens and closes again, Koshi thinks he sees Daichi’s bottom lip tremble.“Then I would respect that.”“It just doesn't feel right,” Koshi says, unable to look away from the man in front of him.“Okay,” Daichi turns suddenly, catching Koshi’s eyes. They are shining with unshed tears, “Thank you for everything Koshi.”Daichi’s jaw flexes for a moment, “You'll always be a part of me. Please stay in touch.”And then he's gone. Quietly and without fuss. Koshi’s chest burns where Daichi had placed his hand. He stares at the door that won't reopen. Come back. Fight. Tell me no. Tell me I'm being awful.Daichi doesn't. He's not like that. He’ll take Koshi for his word because that's how Daichi operates. He says what he means. He doesn't run out of fear. He's good. And he deserves to find something just as good.And that's not me, Koshi thinks.Thank you for everything Daichi, truly.…After several rounds of reassurance Daichi goes back to the car to start unpacking.‘I want to show you what I love about life,’ Koshi mulls the words over in his mind. He lays down on the damp dirt and stops fighting against the pressure in his chest. The sky is a pale blue, not a single cloud in sight.Sometimes the world feels so fucking big. And here Koshi is, just a speck, held down and tormented by his own brain. Sometimes it really feels like if there wasn't somebody like Daichi to get him moving he could so easily get stuck in a single place. No more moving, no more thinking, no more caring.He knows, logically, what would happen if his body stayed in one place long enough. It's not that he actively wants that, it just sort of feels like the by-product of finally giving in to what he has spent so long fighting.The sky is so empty, like a blue void. Koshi finds his gaze falling to the tree branches which bear new leaves on the edge of the clearing. Compared to Koshi, even the leaves move easily. Just shifting with every change in the slight breeze. They shake all together with a strong wind, each leaf making its own small sound to join the many. After the wind though, they fall back into place. They move, but ultimately they are stuck. At least until fall.Maybe I was meant to be like you, Koshi thinks. Maybe the ache in my chest is because I was put into the wrong vessel. Maybe I was meant to be a leaf, to live and die after having stayed in place all my life. The music of all the time leaves moving at once, it's so beautiful. Like a gentle whisper that Koshi can't quite understand.I wish I could be a part of something as incredible as that.
----- CHAPTER BREAK -----
Daichi just watches for a minute. Koshi is lying down, looking up at the sky. He doesn't seem to have moved any of the times Daichi glanced over while unloading the car.Maybe this really was too much. If Koshi asks to go home, Daichi will bring him home. No questions asked. Daichi isn't sure Koshi would ever actually do that though. He is way more likely to quietly suffer until he physically can't take it anymore. Even then, Koshi might not ever actually say the words, ‘take me home.’Daichi leans against the car and watches his partner lie there in the dirt. What if this just ends up hurting Koshi more? How can Daichi know if this is the right thing to do? He's tried to discuss it with Koshi, but he just keeps saying ‘Yes, I trust you,’ and ‘No, I don't want to know the details.’The last thing Daichi wants to do is hurt Koshi. It also feels unbearable to do nothing at all while his partner suffers. To do nothing…to not try at all would be like giving up. He loves Koshi, exactly how he is…but it is also excruciating to see how badly the person he loves is hurting.Daichi’s stomach twists. It hasn't felt like a partnership these past few months. It feels like Koshi has given up and Daichi is desperately trying to keep things from drowning. Daichi doesn't want it to just be him figuring it all out.He wipes at his eyes, unsurprised that he's crying. I want to make decisions with you. Not for you. Where are you Koshi? I want my partner back.…It was impossible to never run into each other. Over college breaks they both went back to their hometown. There were parties, Karasuno get-togethers, and volleyball matches. They saw each other, they smiled, Daichi waved, Koshi bowed his head.This though, is a little different.At 22 they can easily rent a room, nobody even bats an eye. Well, maybe the cleaning lady down the hall does when she spots them making out against the wall outside their door.“Daichi, key, the key,” Koshi pants through the insistent mouth attacking him.Daichi just shifts closer, somehow pinning Koshi even more thoroughly to the wall. Two hands circle his hips holding him still while Daichi’s broad chest holds him back. He's pushing hard where they are kissing too, like Daichi waited years for this moment and he's not planning on letting Koshi get away.“Take me inside,” Koshi manages to say, his hands scrambling along Daichi’s back, unsure of where to hold. Daichi tilts his head, focusing all of his energy on how he is kissing Koshi.“Daichi-” he whines, his voice getting lost in the man’s mouth. And oh what a man he truly is. Koshi’s hands find his shoulders, still broad, still solid, still fucking hot.Koshi isn't quite sure how they got here. It started with a text, the catalyst: a fresh break up. How did…how did that message lead to Koshi getting so thoroughly pressed against the wall? He's not complaining, but he is confused. He can't deny what he feels between them. Certainly can't deny how Daichi’s body feels.He knows he should tell Daichi that he had been drinking. He also knows that Daichi would definitely stop and…Koshi doesn't usually enjoy it this much.Daichi shifts to his neck and Koshi’s eyes fall up to the ceiling. They - they are still in the hall - he can't get Daichi to take him inside of the room. They already paid for it, just take me in, Koshi thinks.If Koshi were sober would they be here right now? Is it because it's Daichi that it feels good?Koshi suddenly cannot take it anymore. His hand grasps into Daichi’s hair and yanks him back. Koshi is going to melt right here on the floor if they don't stop. He'd rather melt on the bed.Daichi’s eyes are dark and focused, quickly scanning Koshi's face. “Do you want to stop?”Koshi could almost laugh. He holds it in. He loosens his hold on Daichi’s hair and tilts his head sweetly. “No, I want you to take me into that room.”Something flickers in Daichi’s eyes. He looks…scared. It's gone a moment later as he steps back, releasing Koshi from the wall. Instead of stepping forwards Koshi keeps himself in place, tipping his head back, trying to make himself small and pretty.“I thought you were seeing someone,” Daichi says quietly.Koshi huffs out a breath, “So you bought a room and kissed me like that?”Daichi’s hand worries at the back of his neck as he looks down, “Are you?” he asks.“No, it ended a while ago,” no need to get into specifics of how long ‘a while ago’ actually is. Koshi isn't enjoying this. The tension is cutting right through his buzz.He steps forwards, letting his hands fall against Daichi's chest. Koshi looks up through his lashes. Come on Daichi, you can do this, can't you? You've always been good, always respected me, can't you make me feel good too? Koshi knows that Daichi wants it. He also knows that if Daichi does take him into that room Koshi won't have to think about ‘him’ for as long as it takes Daichi to finish.Apparently the years apart allowed Daichi’s expressions to become more unreadable. Koshi used to be able to tell exactly what he was thinking just from his face. Now, he's not at all sure what Daichi feels as his dark eyes pierce Koshi’s.“Is this really what you want?”Koshi doesn't let that seed of doubt grow any larger. He nods, pressing himself even closer to Daichi. Koshi can do this. He can lose himself in Daichi for a while. It will hurt after, but it always hurts after.Koshi can't stand Daichi’s eye contact, it's so fucking intense, like he's peering in Koshi's soul. So he tucks his head under Daichi’s chin, wraps his arms around his frame and says, “Please Daichi.”Daichi putting his arms around Koshi and then kissing the top of his head is so far from what Koshi expected. He looks up to find Daichi smiling gently. The taller man brushes back some hair from Koshi’s forehead, “Okay,” Daichi whispers, “but we go slow.”People say that, but Koshi usually gets them to turn that promise inside out. Especially with how down bad Daichi is, it will be no problem.The key gains them entry and as soon as the door is closed Koshi has Daichi pinned against the surface and is working on his belt.“Woah, Koshi -” Daichi gasps out as Koshi’s lips land on his neck. It makes him feel powerful, his ability to do this. Boys always say one thing, but in the end, they’ll do what Koshi wants.He kisses up Daichi’s neck, going slower and softer as he gets close to the ear. Just as he's about to kiss the bottom part of his earlobe Koshi grabs Daichi where he is already hard. Koshi makes himself moan softly in Daichi’s ear.He cannot believe it when Daichi frantically grabs his wrists and just holds them. His dark eyes are wide open and he just kind of stares at Koshi.“Can you go slower please?” Daichi’s voice is thin, each word punctuated by his sharp breaths. Are…is he serious? Is he seriously stopping Koshi from continuing? That feeling rises up in his chest. The one that tells Koshi that ‘of course he's unwanted’, that's why he has to be good at this. That's why he learned what people like and how to keep them interested.But it hadn't been enough for his ex, no matter how hard Koshi tried he couldn't keep him faithful. He just wasn't…enough. He wasn't adventurous enough, his drive wasn’t high enough, his stamina wasn’t there. Or, simply, he wasn't interesting enough.Daichi is suddenly back in his space. Koshi’s wrists are free and Daichi is pulling him into a hug. A fucking hug.“Koshi, I missed you so much, I kind of can't believe this is even real,” Daichi’s voice vibrates into Koshi’s shoulder.Koshi feels fingers thread into his hair and a soft breath against his neck. Daichi is making this real. Too real. Way too fucking real. Koshi feels himself blink, his head pressed against Daichi’s shoulder. What does Daichi want? Why is he doing this?Koshi isn't sure why but he needs this to stop. He doesn't know what to do with this soft in-between place where Daichi holds him close and whispers in his ear. Koshi needs to shift this. He nuzzles against Daichi’s neck and shifts his hips forwards, letting Daichi feel what he wants, “Please?” He whispers close enough that he knows Daichi hears him. The way the body he’s pressed against tenses makes it clear that Daichi understands.Koshi grabs onto Daichi’s shirt and pulls him along as Koshi takes a step backwards. There is a dazed look in the taller man’s eye as Daichi follows him. That's it, stop thinking so much Daichi.Koshi feels the back of his knees hit the edge of the bed and he lets himself fall back, making sure to pull Daichi down on top of him.Koshi tries again to get the belt undone and finally get this all started. Daichi is still holding his head, kissing along his jaw. Koshi licks his lips and he hears the belt jangle as it's finally loosened.His whole body flushes hot when Daichi slides down the length of his body until he is kneeling on the ground, his hands cupping Koshi’s upper thighs. “I've thought about this so many times,” Daichi whispers, pressing his face against one of Koshi’s legs.Koshi can't stop the way his breathing starts to escalate. No, no, this isn't what's supposed to happen. Daichi can't do ‘that’. Then all of the attention would be on Koshi. It’ll be so much harder to - to -Daichi is somehow not between his legs anymore but is instead propping Koshi up to rub his back, “breathe, it's okay, it's okay, I won't do anything.”That's not - no - you're just - just not that thing - just not that.Koshi is ruining it. Like really ruining it. What can he do, what can fix this?Don't disappoint him, he's already barely even looking your way. Be better. Be more interesting. Be more involved.Koshi knows how to do this. He shoves down whatever it is that is clogging up his mind and preventing this from going the right way. He turns to look up at Daichi, something clicking firmly into place within himself.“Sorry Dai, just not that,” he keeps his face sweet and calm.Daichi’s gaze jumps between his eyes, “We should stop “Koshi would never have said this to his ex, but he's pretty sure it will work on Daichi. He smiles, lays back down on the bed and says, “You gonna give up that easy Daichi?”Daichi stares at him for a moment and Koshi’s smile almost waivers. Then Daichi falls forwards, burying his face into Koshi’s stomach and mumbles, “You're going to be the death of me.”Koshi’s smile feels genuine as he brushes his fingers through Daichi’s hair. That's it Daichi.“Can I kiss you?” Daichi breathes out, eyes flashing up to meet Koshi’s.“You definitely already have,” Koshi reminds.“Here, can I kiss you here?” Daichi’s fingers start to slide under the hem of Koshi’s shirt.He…fuck Daichi, stop with this shit, just fuck me already.Koshi gets the urge to actually bop his fist on top of Daichi's head. He doesn't want Daichi to kiss him there. It's going to be too much, just like how letting Daichi go down on him was going to be way too fucking much.The way that Daichi is looking at him though - he can't fucking say no. Not after he already just did, “Yeah,” he breathes out, stomach twisting under where Daichi’s fingers lay.“Yeah?” Daichi asks. God fucking damn it. Gonna really make me say it again? This is fucking frustrating as hell. Why is Daichi making Koshi have to convince him? Just do it. Just be a man and do it.“Yeah,” Koshi says. It'll just be for a minute, nobody ever actually spends that long - it'll be fine.“Do you want to take this off or leave it on?” So. Many. Fucking. Questions.“Off,” he says, shifting to let Daichi pull it over his head. He doesn't though, not right away. So Koshi sits there, leaning on his elbows while Daichi slowly starts to push the shirt up, his mouth working over every small piece of exposed skin.Koshi bites down on his lip to keep everything inside as Daichi absolutely showers him in gentle affection. When Daichi glances up, shifting the shirt ever higher to keep kissing Koshi in new sensitive places, that's when Koshi realizes that Daichi isn't going to stop. The whole thing is going to be like this. Slow and painful and way too fucking real.He feels the rise of panic hit him again. He needs Daichi to stop - because right fucking now, Koshi can feel every single kiss in high definition and every previous kiss burns. It hurts. It hurts, why is Daichi treating him like this? Why…Why?…So many times, so, so many times Daichi imagined what it would be like to show this to Koshi. The skin under his lips is warm and soft. Daichi wishes he could cover every single inch of Koshi like this.Years of pining and wishing and truly believing that it was hopeless. He doesn't really know what he's doing - Daichi never found someone he actually wanted to do this with.It almost feels like he's going to explode. He's here, he's really here, with Koshi, kissing his stomach - soon to be his chest.“Dai,” he pauses and looks up. Koshi’s face is flushed a beautiful pink. It looks like it goes down his neck and then slips under the bunched up shirt over his chest.He knows Koshi is far more experienced than him. Daichi hopes that he can satisfy Koshi, even if Daichi isn't as good as other lovers have been.Koshi stays leaning on his arms, “Help me take it off?” Daichi is gonna die. He's gonna die. Is this really fucking happening? Is he really here in bed with Koshi? His highschool best friend while he asks him to take his shirt off - oh god, oh god oh god.Daichi grabs the edge and starts to pull it up towards Koshi’s face. The man leans forward and lets Daichi pull it over his head. Beautiful. So fucking beautiful. Daichi holds himself back from just diving down and kissing all over Koshi's pale chest.“Dai, come’re” Koshi lays back and spreads his legs, making more room for Daichi to sit there. So hot. Koshi is so hot. Daichi puts himself in the available space and just looks. Koshi, he's really here with Koshi…Legs wrap around his waist and yank him forwards. Koshi has the audacity to smirk as Daichi lands overtop of him.“That's better, don't you think?” Koshi puts his hands on Daichi’s back, slowly guiding him to lower himself even more. Daichi can't decide where to look, his eyes just keep moving, finding new places to admire. How Koshi's hair looks flattened against the bed. The blush does spread down to his chest, as well as to the tips of his ears. And a place he will never get tired of looking, Koshi’s eyes.It really truly feels like something is burning up inside of Daichi.“What do you want?” Daichi asks.Koshi’s head tilts and his eyes narrow slightly. His mouth opens and Daichi watches his bottom lip tremble. Is he cold?Without words Koshi grabs onto the back of Daichi’s head and pulls him down into a kiss…oh god his mouth is so soft, Daichi doesn't know what to do with his hands. He frankly wants to touch everywhere, hold and caress and just love Koshi’s body.He settles for a hand in Koshi’s hair and another on his cheek. Koshi’s legs tighten around him, forcing the two of them together. The whining moan that is forced out of Daichi should be embarrassing - it's just a little friction. But God that friction is heavenly.Koshi flexes his thighs again, forcing Daichi’s hips down. Daichi’s heart is pounding in his chest so hard and fast that he really might be dying. He doesn't wait for Koshi to move him, this time he presses down on his own. Koshi moans. The sound goes right into Daichi’s mouth. He's pretty sure his hands are shaking. He knows his legs are.“Koshi,” he gasps when the man under him arches and presses back. Through the layers he can feel both of them. What does Koshi want? Is this what he wants?The next time they grind together Koshi is moaning again. The sound really truly does something to Daichi. He wants to hear that sound endlessly. He wants to know that Koshi feels good, so good that he can't hold in his moans. Daichi is obsessed. He never thought he would have the chance to connect with Koshi like this. He barely holds in the words that want to come tumbling out his mouth.He loves Koshi in so many ways. He doesn't feel able to say it though. Not after the years apart.He loved him when they were first years together, barely keeping the team afloat. He loved him when he became a mentor to the younger students. He loved him when he stepped back so that Kageyama could be their official setter. He loved him when he cried, frustrated in his own ability. He loved him when he smiled. He loved him when he raged. He loved him even when he told Daichi to walk away.And he loves him now. But he won't say it.Koshi’s hand guides Daichi’s wrist down the length of their bodies. Fingers overlap his own and Koshi shows him how he wants to be touched. His fingers shake as he lets his hand slide under Koshi’s bottom. This time when he presses forwards to grind against Koshi he feels the man’s reaction from either side. Oh, oh fucking God. Daichi’s other hand goes down to the other side, so that he is holding Koshi’s lower half. His mouth feels so dry, apparently at some point they stopped kissing, each just sharing air as Koshi lets Daichi figure it out.He focuses on Koshi’s face. He's got his eyes closed, his mouth open and panting. Daichi uses his hands to pull Koshi’s body up into himself. Koshi’s head tilts back, a thin breathy moan comes out of him. “Yeah, Dai, just like that,”The words burn. Daichi is just barely keeping the words he is dying to say locked in his chest. He lowers his head and presses a kiss to the center of Koshi’s chest. Ever since that day, their first kiss, Daichi wondered about this. What Koshi had described, the ache in his chest, does he still have it?Fingers grab at Daichi’s short hair and try to pull him back up. When Daichi looks up to where he is being yanked, his stomach drops. Koshi looks afraid. It's gone a second later, replaced by that sweet smile. Which, now that Daichi looks closer, that smile is all wrong. It's not real. Why - what - Daichi sits up, hands releasing their hold on Koshi.The gray haired man looks up at him, confusion and hurt present on his face.“Daichi?” He asks.Daichi feels frozen as he tries to puzzle it all out. Koshi has been the one trying to move things quickly. He had pulled Diachi down on top of him and showed him where to put his hands…so why did he look so afraid? Something is wrong, something is really, really wrong.Everything that had been excitement is now pure anxiety. When did it stop being okay?Koshi sits up too, “Daichi?” he seems even more scared now.“Why did you text me tonight?”Koshi’s mouth falls open and his eyes grow wider, “What?” Koshi almost seems to be shrinking. “Why’d you stop? What did I do?”Daichi’s heart sinks. He’s really glad he didn't let himself say it.“Did you even want to do that?” Daichi asks.Koshi’s face goes pale, “I-” he doesn't finish the idea.Daichi is biting down on his tongue to keep everything inside. He runs through it all, every moment, every little hesitation. Why wasn't he more careful?Koshi is moving forward, nearly in Daichi’s lap, “No,” Daichi whispers, feeling unable to touch Koshi to keep him off.“Daichi it's okay, I promise I want it, just relax, okay?”“Koshi, stop-”“It's all fine, don't worry-”Daichi grabs onto Koshi’s upper arms and holds him in place. Daichi is about to break, his eyes are already swimming and Koshi is just a pale blur.“Koshi. Stop.”