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Whizzer was ten blocks away from his and Marvin’s (well, now just Marvin’s) apartment complex when he was finally struck with the reality of his situation.A chess game. A stupid chess game that Marvin had told him he could win was what finally ended them. He logically knew it had been a long time coming.That didn’t mean it hurt any less.He stared around at the streets of New York, bustling with people, going about their day, that sinking feeling in his chest as the weight of everything struck him down.Marvin had kicked him out.For the second time in his life, Whizzer had nowhere to go.He looked down at the small suitcase in his hand. It had maybe a few days’ worth of clothes, some of his toiletries, and a select few personal items.Marvin hadn’t given him much time.He was lucky. Last time he hadn’t been able to take anything at all. Nothing except…He stopped walking for a minute, taking a breath, trying to dispel the memory. This time was different. This time he was older. This time he knew his options. This time he could handle it.He glanced at the sky – it was getting dark. It looked like rain. He needed to find a place to stay and he could figure out the rest later.He stopped by an ATM. He managed five hundred before the machine reported he’d hit his withdrawal limit.Whizzer snapped Marvin’s card in half and dropped it in the nearest receptacle.He wouldn’t be needing it anymore.Five hundred dollars and a shitty briefcase. That was everything he had.The first few raindrops hit his face.He could figure out everything else later. Whizzer had to buy a new metrocard. He wished he’d thought to grab his on the way out, but Marvin liked to keep it in his wallet – Marvin didn’t like it when Whizzer went places alone.Marvin told him he was lucky he was allowed to have one at all.Maybe he was. Whizzer got off at the farthest stop.He bought a pack of gum at the nearby gas station, making use of the bathroom to touch himself up, only to find himself staring at his own reflection.He looked tired.He looked sad.Nothing a little concealer couldn’t fix.He’d briefly considered finding a motel for the night, but he knew he had to make his money last.He’d done it before, he could do it again. He’d gotten by on a lot less than he had now. Be grateful, Whizzer. The memory of Marvin’s voice whispered in the back of his mind, You’re lucky to have me. Where would you be if I hadn’t taken you in? Probably fucking another man, Marvin. Whizzer recalled replying snidely.He swallowed as he remembered Marvin’s reaction to that, trying to push the memory away, rubbing his neck as he tried to soothe the phantom fingers.The bruises were long-gone, but he still dabbed some concealer around his neck. Just in case. Just to feel safe.He hadn’t wanted Jason to see.He hadn’t wanted to see, either.He wet his fingers, combing back his hair. He could do this.

----- CHAPTER BREAK -----

“How much?” The man in the Volvo seemed nervous. He clearly hadn’t done this before. Perfect – he’d be an easy client, maybe even a repeat if Whizzer played things right.

You’re doing it wrong!

Marvin had shouted.

I’m doing it fine, Marvin! Look, the dish is clean, what else do you want from me?

That’s not how Trina used to do it!

Well news flash, I’m not your ex-wife!

Why can’t you ever do anything right?

He felt a shudder run through his body as he climbed into the man’s car.

The man didn’t notice.

His name was Mark. Mark was a business analyst looking for someone who would take control. That was fine, Whizzer could do that.

He could tell he’d lost his touch, but Mark didn’t seem to mind.
 
“Can I see you again?”

“If I’m lucky,” Whizzer purred as he shuffled into his pants the following morning.

“Here,” Mark handed him a piece of paper.

“What’s this?” Whizzer took it.

“My number. If you ever want to…you know. Do this again.”

My phone number,

Marvin had said obviously.

I already have your phone number.

My personal phone number.

Marvin corrected. It wouldn’t be for another month that Whizzer learned about Marvin’s wife and child. But still he didn’t stop seeing him. Part of him wondered now what would have happened had he not taken that number.

“Sorry,” Whizzer handed it back, “I don’t do relationships. But if you want to stop by my corner sometime, I’ll be happy to see you again, baby.”

Mark blushed, “Right, of course, I never meant…I’ll see you at your corner, then.”

He didn’t see Mark again after that.

He wished he’d taken his number.

But still, it was fine. There would always be other guys to sleep with.

He missed Marvin.

“What’s your rate?” The man in the Nissan asked.

“I usually charge three, but for you, I’ll do it for two-fifty.”

The guy snorted, “I got one-fifty.”

“Two hundred and I’ll take care of you in the morning too.”

The man got a vicious look in his eye as he repeated. “I’ve got one-fifty.”

Whizzer wanted to turn it down – the man was aggressive and wouldn’t even be paying him enough to be worth it, but…But Jesus did he need the cash. He was the only client who’d come around that night and the only other option would be paying for a motel.

You’re just a cheap whore,

the Marvin in his head reminded him.

I know.

Whizzer climbed into the car.

The man’s name was Rich, and Rich was a grade-A asshole.

Unlike Mark (and much like Marvin), he craved control.

But that was fine. Whizzer had dealt with worse.

That was, until Rich clasped his hands around Whizzer’s throat.

Then Rich disappeared and Marvin took his place.

“No, no, no, no, STOP!”

Whizzer shoved Rich away, scooting further up the bed.

Something flashed in Rich’s eyes.

“You don’t get to tell me to stop, whore.”

Hands were suddenly back around his neck and he was kicking with all his might.

Whizzer was not an unfit man. He prided himself on his appearance and took excellent care of his body, working out near-daily to perfect his physique. But Rich was still almost twice his size.

He shoved Whizzer off the bed, knocking his head on the side table as he went.

Whizzer, ears ringing, stumbled to his feet, trying to grab his clothes, but Rich was already up, yelling unintelligibly, shoving him over again, kicking him in the ribs so hard Whizzer was sure he’d broken something. Something didn't feel right in his knee either, but he didn’t have time to assess himself as Rich was slowing down.

He stomped over to Whizzer’s wallet and cracked it open, taking back his hundred fifty dollars, plus another wad from what he’d made the previous night.

“For the trouble.” He dropped the wallet onto Whizzer and turned away.

Whizzer didn’t waste a moment, crawling to his things, throwing his clothes on, not even taking the time to put back on his shoes, and getting out as fast as he could, half-falling down the stairs in his haste.

It was two in the morning, and once again, he had nowhere to go.

His whole body throbbed and his lungs wheezed with strain, his vision was blurred and dizzy, and he couldn’t walk properly with his knee the way it was.

No one would want to fuck him like this.

I would.

The Marvin in his head reminded him.

Whizzer stumbled forward.

He wasn’t sure how far he walked, or in what direction, but by some miracle, he stumbled into a motel.

“No guests and no shooting up in the rooms,” the man at the counter said lazily as he handed Whizzer the key.

Whizzer muddled out a thanks, but he wasn’t sure how intelligible it was.

He stumbled through the hallway, all the numbers blurred and indecipherable, but somehow he managed to find his room.

He didn’t even make it to the bed, his knee buckling beneath the weight by the time he closed the door behind him.

As he lay on the floor, unsure if he would regain the energy to move again. He was still holding his wallet – he wasn’t sure how much he’d given for the room, having slapped a handful of bills down but for some reason he was having a hard time counting them right now. But he could see there were bills in there. So tonight was a bust – more than a bust – but he still had something.

Not that anyone would want him in the state he was in.

Fuck, how was he going to make money?

His thumb caught a thin pocket at the back of his wallet, dislodging an old postcard, crumpled up so badly the photo was almost white, but still he could just barely make out the words if he squinted.

Not that he needed to read it – he knew exactly what it said.

Dear Jack,

One of the Elders said they saw you in New York. I couldn’t find you in the White Pages, so I’m sending this to the church. I hope it gets to you.

It had gotten to him. He’d been very shocked when two mormons showed up at Marvin’s door just a year ago, asking if they knew of a Jack Price.

I just got back from my mission trip in Uganda. I know it’s been a few years, but I thought maybe we could call and talk about The Church.

That was right about where Whizzer had lost interest, but he’d been out when he’d started reading it, and there was no trash bin anywhere, so he’d just…crumpled it up and stowed it in his wallet.

I miss you,

the rest of the letter claimed,

We all do. Even Mom and Dad.

Un-fucking-likely.

Give me a call sometime.

Kevin

Underneath was his phone number.

Whizzer stared up at the ceiling, closing his eyes for a moment while he tried to keep the room from spinning.

He was out of options. He needed help.

He took a deep breath, pulled out his phone, and dialed the number.

----- CHAPTER BREAK -----

“Arnold said the tickets were for the twenty-third?” Kevin confirmed as he tried to figure out the hotel’s coffee machine.“Yeah, our flight leaves at 2am, so we can just sleep on the plane, and it’ll be morning when we land.”Kevin and his boyfriend Connor were planning their trip back to Uganda with his best friend Arnold, Arnold’s girlfriend Nabulungi, and the small collection of missionaries who were still up to the task. In preparation for their departure, Arnold had insisted on taking his girlfriend to Tennessee to meet some of his more extended family, while Connor and Kevin spent some time in Orlando.The plan was to meet with them at Arnold’s folks’ house the following afternoon and spend the next month trying to spread The Book of Arnold in the states before they left, so Kevin and Connor had booked a hotel in Georgia so they could make for an easy drive to Tennessee the following morning.“Come on, babe.” Connor led Kevin to the bed, “Let’s leave the logistics to Arnold and Nabulungi.” Kevin was awoken to his phone ringing.“Turn off your phone,” Conner grumbled into the pillow.Kevin groaned, fumbling to grab it.“What if it’s Arnold?”“It’s two in the morning, Kev.”He picked up his phone, looking at the unfamiliar number.“See, it’s just a scammer or something,” Connor insisted, wrapping his arm around Kevin’s waist, trying to pull him back in.“It could be important.”“Kev,” Conner whined.Kevin picked up on the very last ring.“Hello?”“H’llo?” The voice on the other end was unfamiliar, but it sounded slurred. Drunk, maybe? He decided it must’ve been a wrong number, and was about to hang up, when the voice said, “K’vin? ‘This K’vin Price?”Kevin looked back at Connor, who was now very awake and watching with deep interest.“Uh, yeah. This is – this is Kevin Price. Sorry, who is this?”“It’s me. I’s fuckin’ Whizzer – Jack, whatever.”“Jack?” Kevin was suddenly on his feet, pacing the hotel room. Jack? Connor mouthed. Your brother? Kevin nodded vigorously at him as he spoke, “Lord thy God – Jack – sorry, Jack, are you drunk?”“No?” He didn’t sound sure for a moment, before giving a more definitive, “No. ‘m not.”“What – what’s going on, are you okay? Why’d you call me – I mean, I’m glad you did, but…”“Mm, no.”“No? No you’re not okay?”He and Connor exchanged an alarmed look.“Hit m’ head,” Jack’s voice mumbled. “K’cked out again. D’know where to go.” Kevin could hear his brother audibly swallow through the phone, “Need help.”“Jack,” Kevin said very seriously, already packing as fast as he could, Connor immediately understanding and moving to help, “Where are you?”“New York? New Jersey? ‘M not…’m not sure.”“Jack, I need you to figure out where you are so we can come get you.”“Can’t walk,” Jack mumbled, “Knee.”“Knee? Did you hurt your knee too?”Jack groaned.“Jack?” Kevin asked again.“Hurts,” Jack moaned unhelpfully.“It’s okay, you’re gonna be okay,” Kevin promised as he put on his shoes, “Jack, we’re on our way right now, but we need to know where you are.”“Um…motel.” There was movement, shuffling, stumbling, crashing.“Jack? Jack are you okay?”He heard coughing on the other end of the phone, then silence.“Jack!”Nothing.“Where did he say he was?” Connor asked as they climbed into the car.“New Jersey? Maybe New York? I don’t think he knew.”“Kev, that’s –”“I know, but he’s not –” It was only then, wiping the tears on his cheeks, that Kevin realized he was crying. “He’s not responding. I think he fell.”“Oh Heavenly Father, help him. Is the phone still connected?”Kevin nodded.“Good, well, we’ll keep talking and maybe he’ll wake up?”“Oh my – Connor, what if he’s dead? What if he hit his head again and he’s dead? What if –”“Kevin, I need you to take my phone and call Arnold and tell him the situation.”“Arnold, right, we’re supposed to meet him tomorrow.”“Call him, let him know what’s going on.”“Right. Yes. Okay, I can do that.”“He’s going to be all right Kevin.”“You don’t know that.”Connor didn’t respond. Kevin wanted to throw up. In the end, Arnold didn’t pick up the phone – it was probably on silent, anyway. So Kevin left a message and over the course of the next few hours, he and Connor talked about anything and everything they could think of, just so if Jack woke up, he’d hear them and maybe be able to tell them where he was.“You never told me Jack went to New England,” Connor said once they were about five hours in.“I didn’t know myself, really,” Kevin admitted, “One of the other Elders said they thought they saw him in New York – I sent him a postcard with my number, so I guess he got it…”“Oh, well that’s…nice.”Kevin shrugged, staring out the window as they drifted down the highway.“Why’d he leave the Church?” Connor asked after a few miles.Kevin rubbed his hands together nervously. “Mom and Dad kicked him out when he was fifteen.”“Oh, why?”“They said they found him in his room. With a boy.”“Oh.”“Yeah.”“Yeah.”

----- CHAPTER BREAK -----

They were nearly six hours into their drive when they heard movement on the other end of the phone again.“Jack?” Kevin asked immediately, he was at the wheel now, Connor taking a break to rest his eyes a bit – though his too were now wide open.There was more shifting.“Jack? Are you there? Jack!”“K’v’n?” It came out as a mush of consonants, but it was the most beautiful sound Kevin had ever heard.“Jack! It’s me! It’s Kevin!”“Wh’t’r–?” Jack groaned as he shifted. “H’rts.”“I know, I know, you’re gonna be okay,” Kevin promised, not sure whether or not he was lying through his teeth. “Jack, I need you to look at your room key. Can you do that for me?”Having spent the last six hours brainstorming ways to find where exactly Jack was, this was what they’d landed on. If they were very lucky, there’d be a tag on the key that would list exactly what motel he was staying at. If they weren’t…well, Kevin didn’t want to think about that.“Key,” Jack echoed, “Wh’re…?”“You’re at a motel, Jack,” Kevin reminded him, trying to wipe the tears from his eyes, “You’re at a motel in New York or New Jersey and you’re really hurt and you need our help.”There was silence on the phone again, and for a horrible moment, Kevin was terrified Jack had passed out again.Until finally, Jack mumbled,“‘Kay.”“Your keys, can you look at your keys?” Connor asked from the passenger seat.“Keys,” he echoed again, “M’keys. Don’ have ‘em. M’rvin took ‘im.”“Marvin?” Something curled in Kevin’s stomach, “Jack, is someone with you?”“No,” He moaned, “K’cked m’ out. Doesn’ want me. ‘M bad.”“You’re not bad, Jack,” Kevin promised, his voice shaking as he spoke.“Kevin, pull over, I’m driving,” Connor demanded, “Jack, how did you get into the motel?”“Um…I don’…” He seemed to struggle for a moment.“Did you book a room? Did they give you keys?”“Keys,” He echoed a third time, “‘have a key.”Kevin climbed out of the car, running around as fast as he could as Connor took the wheel.“Are you holding it in your hand?” Connor asked patiently as they pulled out again – and Lord Almighty, bless him.More shuffling.“Yeah.”“Is there anything on the ring? A piece of plastic?”“Yeah.”Kevin could have cheered.“Jack, can you tell me what it says?”“Motel Motor Lodge.”Shit, that didn’t tell them anything.“Does it have anything on the back?” Connor asked desperately, “An address in case someone loses the key?”Jack hummed, high-pitched in the back of his throat. It seemed to catch something and he was coughing. “Jack! Jack, are you okay?” Kevin called as the coughing continued. It sounded bad. Like lung-full of pneumonia bad.Finally, the noise subsided and he could hear the wheezing of Jack’s breath through the phone.“Jack, please! Jack!”“K’v…” He didn’t even get the last syllable out.“Jack, what does the key say? Please, this is important!”Silence.“50 L’ncast’r street,” Jack’s voice finally managed, sounding weak and breathless, “J’rs’y.”Connor was already plugging it into the GPS.“Jack, I’m going to call an ambulance, okay?”“No,” the moan was different than before, vocally weaker, but somehow more forceful.“Jack, please, you need a hospital – I can’t fix this!”Connor was already dialing.“Th’y’ll call ‘im,” Jack whispered, choking back sobs, which only seemed to make the groans of pain worse, “Th’y’ll call ‘im ‘n I can’t…I can’t…”“They won’t call anyone,” Kevin promised, “Just me. We’re about four hours away, okay? We’ll come see you as soon as we can. I promise, we’re just a few more hours away.”“M’r’v’n.”“Do you want Marvin to be there?”“No…pl’se…” He sounded so pitiful, it made Kevin want to cry – well, more than he already was.“Okay, okay. Marvin won’t be there. We promise.”There was a deep exhale. Finally, Jack responded.“‘Kay.”Connor covered the receiver, turning to Kevin, “They’re on their way. They said they’d probably take him to “Virtua Mount Hospital.”“Jack? Jack, did you hear that? We’re on our way.”Jack didn’t respond.“We’re on our way,” Kevin whispered again, “I promise.” It was almost noon when Kevin and Connor arrived at the hospital, exhausted and starving.“I’m looking for my brother, Jack Price.” Kevin insisted as soon as he got to the window, “He was admitted early this morning.”The woman tapped on the keyboard for a moment as Kevin bounced on the balls of his feet, getting increasingly frustrated with her lack of agency.“I’m sorry, there’s no Jack Price here.”Kevin exchanged a look with his boyfriend.“This is where they told us he was,” Connor insisted.“Please, my brother came here this morning. He hit his head and I need to make sure he’s okay,” Kevin pleaded.Something suddenly lit in the woman’s eyes.“Let me go talk to someone.”She stood up, leaving Connor and Kevin in the lobby.“Do you – Connor – he can’t – what if he’s dead? Oh Heavenly Father, Connor what if he’s not here because he’s dead and – and I just – just –”“Kevin, I need you to breathe,” Connor whispered, holding onto Kevin’s shoulders tightly, even though his eyes looked just as wide and panicked as Kevin’s did, “Jack isn’t dead. Maybe it’s something else – I told them a Marvin might come looking for him and not to let him in, maybe they just want to make sure we’re not him.”“Right. Okay. Yeah. All right.”Kevin dropped into one of the hard plastic seats, dropping his head into his hands.“It’ll be okay,” Connor promised, sitting down next to him, rubbing soothing circles on his back. “Kevin Price?” Kevin was shaken awake by Connor as a woman stood above them.Kevin jumped to his feet, nearly tripping over the leg of the chair, “Is Jack okay? Can I see him?”“Yes, you can. Follow me.”It took everything in him not to sprint down the hallway to find his brother.“He’s in room 204, and yes, before you ask, he’ll be just fine.” The woman promised pleasantly, “He’s very excited to see you.”“He’s awake?”“If he hasn’t fallen back asleep since I’ve been in.”She pulled to a stop at a door.Kevin, one hand on the doorknob, suddenly found himself horribly nervous.He hadn’t seen his brother since he was fifteen. Would he still be the same? Care about the same stuff? Obviously not, he was a grown man now. But all Kevin could see when he thought of his brother was that scared fifteen year old his parents had kicked out of the house.What would he find behind that door?Connor placed a hand on his shoulder.“I’ll get us something to eat,” He offered gently, “You go in and see him.”Kevin nodded and before he could think too long about it, he opened the door.

----- CHAPTER BREAK -----

“Jack.”Whizzer looked up to see the brother he hadn’t seen since he was fifteen standing in the doorway of his hospital room.He was older now, obviously. And maybe it was the worry in his eyes and the clear lack of sleep, but he seemed more vulnerable now, less optimistic, less…Mormon.He’d spent years resenting him, but now he couldn’t help his face as it split into a smile.“Hey, Kevin.”“Jack!” Kevin ran to his bedside, “Are you okay?”He shrugged, wincing as it pulled at his cracked ribs. He vaguely remembered the ambulance, arriving at the hospital, being pushed on the gurney, into a CT scan…He’d been in and out after that. They’d woken him every couple hours for his concussion, bound his ribs and given him painkillers. Apparently he’d badly dislocated his knee, so they re-set that. Apparently he’d been lucky. The rib fracture wasn’t bad, he didn’t need surgery, none of his organs had been punctured, they said he should make a full recovery.He didn’t feel all that lucky.He stared up at his brother, big terrified eyes – he’d clearly been crying on and off for hours.Whizzer smiled, “Can’t complain.”Kevin’s face split too and suddenly he was laughing like a maniac, bending to clutch his knees as he let out a loud sob.“Kevin, don’t cry –”“I thought you were dead!” Kevin sobbed, “They said you weren’t here and I thought you were dead.”“I’m okay, Kev. I’m okay.” Whizzer whispered, reaching out his hand for Kevin to take.Kevin took it, clutching it so hard that it hurt.Whizzer did not tell him to stop.“I thought Heavenly Father was going to take you…”Whizzer froze. Had anything really changed? Maybe Kevin was nothing more than a self-righteous Mormon, loved more by G-d and the community than Whizzer ever could be. Would he leave when he found out that Whizzer had no interest in re-joining the church?Pain was creeping up the back of his neck, throbbing in the back of his head.“Jack? Jack, are you okay?” Kevin seemed to have noticed the shift in demeanor.“You’re still Mormon, then?”Kevin wiped his eyes on his sleeve. It was mildly jarring to see him in a t-shirt and sweatpants – even around the house, Kevin had always made a point to dress well. “I’m dressing for Heavenly Father,” He’d explained when Jack had asked. He had spent weeks trying to do the same before he finally got tired of the uncomfortable fabric and constant crows of, “Aww, he’s trying to be just like his brother.” Ironically enough, he found himself in the same position years later under Marvin’s high expectations – if he wasn’t naked, he should always be dressed to impress.A bitter smile played on Kevin’s lips.“Not really.”“Oh?”“Kevin, I got us lunch – oh, hi Jack.” A young man entered the room. He looked around the same age as Kevin, still dressed in his pajamas. His arms laden with sandwiches and…Whizzer nearly balked as the boy handed a coffee to Kevin.Good Mormon boy Kevin was drinking coffee?“No need to act so scandalized,” Kevin said to Whizzer, accepting the drink, “this is Connor. My…boyfriend.”And then Whizzer began to laugh, long and hard, his abdomen spasming, causing him to choke and cough despite the nasal cannula.He laughed until he was light-headed, and when it finally tapered off, his eyes were heavy and he was feeling rather faint, that pulsing beat of pain burrowing into the back of his head.“I love you, Jack,” Kevin whispered, clutching his hand.“Mmm.” Whizzer didn’t remember much after that. Two nurses came bustling in as Jack fell back asleep. Kevin and Connor stepped back, looking stricken.Jack’s smile had lit up the room, but now that it was gone, Kevin felt like crying.A large bruise mottled the side of his head, creeping up into his hairline, contrasting sickly with his pale skin. A nasal cannula was stuck up his nose, and his body was obscured by his hospital gown and a blanket.The nurses moved around, murmuring words Kevin didn’t understand, and adjusting certain knobs and dials.“If you’d like, we have a lounge –”“No, we’ll stay in here,” Kevin answered immediately.The nurse smiled, “All right, dears. Someone will be back in a few hours.”Kevin and Connor nodded and the nurses made their way out.They dropped into the chairs next to the bed.“I’m going to book a hotel,” Connor decided.“No, we’re staying here.”“Kev,” He placed a hand on Kevin’s shoulder, “Visiting hours end at eight –”“We’re not leaving –”“We’ll need to sleep. We’ll need to shower. Jack would want you to –”“You don’t know what Jack would want,” Kevin snapped, “ I don’t know what Jack would want – I mean, shit, Connor, I don’t know anything about him!”“Then you’ll learn about him, Kev.” Connor assured him, “You haven’t seen each other since you were kids.” He rubbed his back, “He seemed happy to see you.”His stomach fluttered nervously, “You think?”“Yes!”Kevin sat back, watching his brother breathe for a moment.“What do you think happened?” Connor asked quietly.“He said he was kicked out,” Kevin recalled, “By the guy who took his keys, you think? Marvin?”“If I had to guess…” Connor stared over at Jack, “Well, whoever Marvin is, I’m gonna kick his ass.”Kevin grimaced.“You and me both.” Whizzer woke up to see both Kevin and Connor asleep at his bedside, holding each other in the first moment of peace he’d seen his brother in in a very very long time.Whizzer smiled.

----- CHAPTER BREAK -----

Two days later and Kevin and Connor were walking Whizzer out of the hospital. With Whizzer having nowhere to go, a boy named Arnold – apparently Kevin’s best friend – was letting them stay with his family in Tennessee.

Whizzer was ordered by the doctor not to do any strenuous activity and to wait a few days before making a long drive like that, so naturally, he’d insisted it was fine and they could head to Tennessee as soon as the other two boys were ready – he was enough of a burden as it was, he didn’t want to hold them up.

Connor, it seemed, was the rational one, and insisted they stay at a nearby hotel for two more nights before making the almost fourteen hour drive.

“The doctors said no strenuous activity,” Connor reminded him as they helped him carefully climb into the back of the Toyota Camry.

“Because sitting in the back of the car is

so

strenuous." Whizzer murmured to himself.

Shut up,

Marvin would say to that.

If I want you to wait, you’ll wait.

I’m not your wife, Marvin.

I know that, because if you were, you’d do what I say already!

Phantom fingers grabbed at his arm as Marvin turned him around.

“Jack?” Kevin was looking at him oddly, hands gently touching his wrist where he was holding his seatbelt, seemingly haven frozen halfway through.

Whizzer blinked “Yes?”

“Are you okay? You just went blank for a moment.”

“Yes, yes I’m fine.”

Kevin didn’t look convinced, but retreated to the front seat with Connor, shutting the car door as he went.

They began to drive and the first truly awkward silence seemed to echo through the car.

“So you’re queer.” He finally said.

“Yeah,” Kevin said from the passenger seat, watching him anxiously through the rearview mirror. “Connor and I met on our mission trip.

“Uganda,” Whizzer recalled, “In your postcard, you said your mission trip was in Uganda.”

“Yeah it was.”

“And…?” Whizzer probed, “Convert a lot of people?”

“You could say that.”

Kevin began telling a story about a small village in Uganda. Apparently, his best friend Arnold was a truly terrible Mormon, which only made Whizzer like him more.

He tried to focus on the words but, despite Connor’s slow and careful driving, he could feel every bump and ridge in the road, and only barely was able to suppress a groan as they struck a pothole.

Maybe Connor was right. Maybe he did need a few more days to recover.

Come on, Whiz.

I already told you, Marv, I’m sick. I don’t want to tonight.

You’re not sick, you’re just being a baby.

Marvin, will you get off!

Whizzer shoved him. Marvin made sure he regretted that.

“Jack?”

Whizzer blinked. “Yes?”

“You…you did it again.”

“Oh.”

“Are you okay?”

“Yeah.”

Kevin and Connor exchanged a look.

“So what did Mom and Dad think?” Whizzer asked,

“About how the mission went?” Kevin asked, “I mean, they weren’t pleased –”

“No, about Connor.”

“They were…okay.”

Whizzer raised a skeptical eyebrow.

“Better than they were with you.”

“Yes, well, the bar is on the floor.” Whizzer reminded him bitterly.

“Jack, we all thought you were dead.”

I almost was a few times,

Whizzer wanted to say.

“Yeah, well, that’s not my problem.” He said instead.

Kevin sighed, “Jack…”

“I’m not Jack.”

He blinked. “What?”

“I’m not…I don’t go by Jack anymore.”

“What do you go by, then?” Connor asked.

“Whizzer,” Whizzer said, “Whizzer Brown.”

“Why?” Kevin asked quietly.

“I liked it.” Whizzer said.

And other men liked it too.

“No, why did you change your name?”

“Because I’m not Jack Price!” He said, perhaps louder than he should have, “I haven’t been Jack Price since the day they kicked me out.” He grunted as they took a particularly sharp turn, the movement tugging at his ribs, “They disowned me long before I disowned them.”

“Jack –”

“Stop calling me that.”

“Whizzer.” Kevin said, “Whizzer, I’m sorry.”

Whizzer sighed, swallowing back the pain as he stared up at the roof for a moment, “It wasn’t your fault, Kevin.”

“I should have stopped them – I should have found you!”

“You wouldn’t have been able to.” Whizzer said. “You wouldn’t have wanted to.”

“Don’t say that –”

“Do you know what I do, Kevin?” He snarled, “Do you know what I had to do when Mom and Dad kicked me out with no money and nowhere to go?”

He expected Kevin to shout something back, to be angry and cruel, but he just shook his head.

“I don’t…”

Whizzer snorted. “I’m a sex worker, Kevin.”

“Oh.”

“Yeah.”

The car was silent for a while after that.
 
By the time they arrived at the hotel, Whizzer was feeling weak and shaky. His ribs were aching and his head pounded.

He unbuckled himself and went to open the door, only to find Kevin waiting for him on the other side, carefully wrapping his arm around his waist and helping him balance as Connor fetched the wheelchair from the back.

“You don’t need to help me, I can do this.”

Kevin nodded, backing off as Whizzer shakily lowered himself into the chair – he couldn’t help but notice Kevin still hovering nearby. Marvin would have let him fall.

You said you didn’t want my help!

Marvin would say.

I don’t!

Then don’t complain when you can’t do it yourself!

I wasn’t complaining, Marvin.

Well, it sure sounded like it! G-d, you can’t do anything right!

Fuck you, Marvin.

Marvin would grin viciously,

If you insist.

“Do you want me to push you or Connor?” Kevin asked nervously.

Whizzer rubbed his forehead, “You – you is fine. I just…I need to lie down.”

“Okay,” Kevin whispered quietly.

Whizzer barely registered the blur of motion as they checked in and made their way up to the hotel room.

G-d, was he glad Marvin wasn’t here.

G-d, did he miss him.

----- CHAPTER BREAK -----

Jack (Whizzer) had been exhausted and half-conscious by the time they reached their room, so Kevin and Connor had handed him his pain meds before helping him into bed, taking off his shoes and tucking him in.Connor sighed, looking at Kevin.“He’ll be okay.”“Will he? We don’t even know what happened.”“He seems tough.”“Yeah.” Kevin murmured. “I hope so.”After a few hours of anxiously monitoring his brother, Connor stepped out to pick up some snacks. He returned, talking on his cell phone.“Right, fantastic, thank you so much.”He hung up, lowering the device and looking at Kevin.“I got a call from the motel they found Jack at –”“Whizzer,” Kevin corrected. “He wants to be called Whizzer.”“Right…” Connor seemed mildly uncomfortable, “I talked to the motel, though. They said we could come pick up his stuff.”“Oh,” Kevin hadn’t considered that his brother would have things to pick up, but he supposed it only made sense. Whoever this Marvin was had given him more time than their parents had. Didn’t mean he didn’t want to kick his teeth in. “When can we…?”“They said whenever we can.”Kevin looked back at Jack – no, Whizzer, lying in bed, skin pale, brow creased in pain.“I don’t want to leave him.”“It’s okay, I can just go.”“Are you sure?”“I’m sure,” Connor kissed him on the cheek, “Take care of your brother. I’ll be back in an hour.”“Thank you.”Connor slipped out the door.Kevin sat down next to Whizzer’s bed. He looked uncomfortable and he desperately wanted to adjust the pillow, fix his hair, take off his socks, but he just couldn’t bring himself to touch him. Even helping him out of the car – after not seeing his brother in so long, it just felt…wrong.Everything about this felt wrong.But his brother was here. And things were okay. Maybe Whizzer wasn’t okay now, but he would be, right? He just couldn’t help but think of the way his forehead creased with every movement, the way sometimes he would just freeze up, his expression would go blank, his eyes would glaze over. It was…frightening.“I missed you,” He said quietly, looking for any movement in his brother’s expression. When there was none, he continued, “Mom and Dad kept telling me not to talk about you, but I wanted to so bad…I thought that was just the Devil trying to tempt me from God, but…but I don’t know now. I think…I think I just missed my brother.”He stared at Whizzer’s face. It was lined now, not just from pain. He couldn’t help but wonder what he’d had to go through to make it where he was now. How much harder his life had been than Kevin’s.“I know it’s going to sound dumb, Jack – Whizzer, but I’m so sorry about that stupid maple donut,” He could feel fat tears rolling down his face, ”I don’t even know if you remember it, but…Fuck, Whizzer, it was so selfish of me. I was so scared of not being the golden child that I spent my entire life throwing you under the bus and…God, I’m so sorry.”He grabbed a nearby tissue box and wiped his eyes, taking deep shuddering breaths as he tried to recompose himself.“Do you remember Joseph Mortensen?” He asked, “He came over every day after you left asking if you could come over. Mom just kept saying you were busy. Eventually he just stopped coming…”He sighed, picking at his fingernails – a bad habit he’d picked up in Uganda that left his fingers red and raw.“I never told anyone what happened. Just that you had left the church.” He looked at his brother, “Should I have told him? Ever since Connor I…I keep wondering if he was…Connor to you.”“He wasn’t…”Kevin nearly jumped a foot in the air as Whizzer spoke.Whizzer laughed hard, which devolved into a coughing fit as his ribs spasmed, pressing against his lungs.“Shit – uh, I’ll get you water –”“I’m okay, I’m okay,” Whizzer insisted, trying to quell his fit as the laughter tapered down. Kevin ran and got him a cup anyway, which Whizzer accepted gratefully in shaking hands – they were shaking so badly under the movement of the coughs that Kevin instinctively placed his hands around Whizzer's, guiding the cup to his lips.“Sorry,” He said immediately, once the cup had been placed down again, “I didn’t mean to –”Whizzer laughed, “It’s fine, Kev.”Kevin smiled. Back in the car, he’d been sure Whizzer was angry with him, but after a few hours of sleep, he seemed in a much better mood – the pain meds probably lended a heavy hand, and as great as that was, it meant that he’d probably been in far more pain than he’d let on.“Sorry,” Whizzer was saying, sinking back into the pillows, “just…made myself lightheaded for a moment.”“Do you think you’re up for something to eat?”He considered this for a moment, before taking a deep steadying breath and nodding.“Yeah, I think so.”Kevin was about to turn when suddenly, Whizzer was moving, swinging his legs around the bed, and edging towards the wheelchair.“Woah, woah, J-Whizzer, what are you doing?”Whizzer blinked, seemingly confused.“Making lunch?”“No – Whizzer, you’re supposed to be resting – besides, there’s no kitchen in here, I figured I’d just call Connor and have him pick something up for us!”“Oh.”He blinked once, then twice. He got that glazed look in his eyes again – he looked unsteady.“Whizzer?” Kevin asked, gently placing a hand on his shoulder to try and keep him from falling over, “Whizzer, are you okay?”He blinked again, his eyes coming back into focus.“Kevin?”“Are you okay?”It was obvious he wasn’t. He’d grown slightly pale and looked disoriented, but he swallowed and hummed a high-pitched sound.“Oh yeah, I’m fine. What were we…?”“We were talking about Connor getting us lunch?”He looked like he was about to reflexively move towards the chair again, before recollection crossed his eyes and he relaxed, pushing himself further up in the bed again.“Right, sorry. I just got distracted.”“That didn’t look like distraction,” Kevin accused, “that looked like…I don’t know, but something else.”“I was just…thinking.”“About what?”“Just…lunch.”“Whizzer, please –”He sighed, putting a comforting hand on Kevin’s as he worked to readjust the pillows so they’d be propping them up.“I was just thinking of someone.”Something clicked.“Marvin.”Whizzer winced. On the nose, then.“Yes.” He confirmed.“He was the one who kicked you out.”“Yes.”“He was the one who beat you up.”“No – no, Marvin would never do this.”Kevin raised an eyebrow skeptically.“He wouldn’t,” Whizzer insisted, “I mean, sure he’d be a little rough sometimes, push me around a bit, but it was all in good fun.”“Right…Then who did…this?” Kevin gestured to Whizzer’s entire person.“Not Marvin, we’ll just leave it at that.”“Come on, Whiz, you can’t just leave me like that –”Whizzer looked like he wanted to respond, then suddenly the glaze was back.Kevin frowned. More than just a little fun, it seemed.

----- CHAPTER BREAK -----

Come on, Whiz, you can’t just leave me like that,

Marvin had pleaded.

This had been the first time he’d tried to leave.

Marvin, you hit me!

I didn’t mean to – please, Whiz, I’m sorry – you know I’m sorry!

Do I?

Please, Whizzer, baby –

Did you do that to her too?

Whizzer had demanded

Did you do that to your ex wife? What about your child?

No, never! This is the first time – I’m so sorry, Whiz, I swear I am!

Prove it.

Prove it?

Yeah, prove it.

Whizzer had demanded,

Prove that you’re sorry, Marvin. Prove that you won’t do it again.

I’ll cook dinner,

Marvin promised,

I’ll do the laundry. I’ll do anything you want. I’ll take work off tomorrow, we’ll just stay in all day. Together.

Maybe he should have left then and there.

But he didn’t.

Let’s start with dinner.

Let’s start with more than dinner…

They’d moved things to the bedroom, after which Marvin swore he’d take care of dinner.

Whizzer had taken over after Marvin burnt the rice.

Marvin never cooked again after that. He never did the laundry, either.

Whizzer never asked him to.

It wasn’t the last time Marvin hit him, though.

“Whizzer!”

Whizzer flinched.

Kevin was sitting next to him, one hand on his upper back, the other on his chest, seemingly to keep him from falling over.

He pulled back. “Kev?”

“I’m going to kill him.” Kevin decided.

“Who?”

“Whoever this Marvin is.”

“Kev – that’s entirely – no, Kevin, this isn’t Marvin’s fault –”

“Then why do you keep doing that?” Kevin demanded, “Get all blank and distant. It freaks me out.”

“I’m just thinking!” Whizzer snapped, “I’m sorry thinking is a crime here. Where are we – Church?”

Kevin stared at him, mouth agape. The moment Whizzer said it, he regretted it – he knew that would hit a nerve, he

knew

it would strike a chord, hell, that’s why he’d said it. Because he couldn’t shut is stupid mouth – No wonder Marvin hit him.

But before he could decide whether to apologize or double down, to his great surprise, Kevin started laughing.

And then suddenly Whizzer was too.

By the time he’d gotten himself under control, Kevin was wiping tears from his eyes.

“Oh my – Heavenly Father, I cannot believe – !”

Whizzer grinned, trying not to grimace from the pain in his ribs, reaching for his water cup, just for something to do.

“Here, I –”

“I got it, I got it,” Whizzer promised, “Relax, Kev.”

Kevin reluctantly backed off.

“So Connor,” Whizzer said, hoping that maybe if he changed the topic, Kevin would forget about Marvin. “Tell me about him.”

Kevin turned pink, “We met in Uganda – he was leader of the district…” He laughed, “He was trying to do all that group bonding –”

“Naturally.”

“– and he…” Kevin giggled, “I don’t even know how, but he managed to get us all these sparkly pink vests – had us learn a whole tap number – I don’t know how he didn’t realize…”

Whizzer grinned, but was careful not to laugh too hard.

Kevin’s laughter tapered off. “It took a while for him to…accept himself. Really it wasn’t until after our mission was shut down and we sort of separated from the Church…”

“Right.”

“But, I mean, it took me a while too, you know?”

“I can only imagine,” Whizzer teased, “Good like Christian boy like you?”

Kevin’s body language closed slightly – enough to make Whizzer frown.

“Some, uh…some bad things happened to me when I was there, and…well, it sort of shook my belief in the Heavenly Father.”

“Why do you still call him that?” Whizzer asked, “Why do you speak about him like he’s still important?”

Whizzer hadn’t considered whatever deity might be lurking up there the ‘heavenly father’ since they day he’d been kicked out. It had taken him years to reconcile with even the concept of religion. Even longer to find himself engaging in Judaism. And even then, G-d? He wasn’t so sure.

“I don’t know,” Kevin admitted quietly. “I guess because it still feels important? Because we’re still preaching a book?”

“The Book of Arnold,” Whizzer recalled amusedly from their story in the car.

Kevin smiled, “Yeah.”

Whizzer watched his brother for a moment.

“What kinds of bad things?”

Kevin laughed, but there was a bitterness in his tone. It hinted at something truly painful that made Whizzer’s heart clench – somehow in the past three days he’d gone from silently resenting the brother he hadn’t seen since he was fifteen to suddenly feeling fiercely protective of him.

Kevin gestured to Whizzer, “You tell me first.”

Whizzer smiled sourly. Touché.

“It was just some john,” He said, trying to sound casual, “Got too handsy.” Then, to add some levity, “As you can tell, I fought him off.”

Kevin snorted, but shook his head, looking deeply upset.

“Does that happen often?”

“No,” Whizzer said honestly. “I mean, johns get handsy, sure, but you learn how to distract them – It was my fault, really. I was out of practice. I froze up.”

Kevin still looked upset.

“It wasn’t Marvin.” Whizzer said, placing a hand on his shoulder, “Just some guy who wanted more than what he paid for.”

Something flickered in Kevin’s eyes, as if imagining everything Whizzer had been through to learn that.

“I’m okay, Kevin,” He promised.

“Yeah.” He picked at his cuticles uncomfortably as the turn rounded on him.

“Kevin?” Whizzer prompted after a moment.

“I –” It was then that Kevin began to cry, “I’m sorry I don’t – I don’t think –”

“It’s okay,” Whizzer scooted up closer to him, making it easier to wrap his arms around his brother. “You don’t have to tell me, Kev –”

“I want to, I do, I just…I can’t –”

“It’s okay.”

Maybe they were more similar than Whizzer would like to think.
 
“Aww, you two are adorable.” Ten minutes later, Connor was walking through the door of the room, takeout bags in one hand, and in his other…a very familiar suitcase.

“Where did you…?” Whizzer shifted, moving a groggy, half-asleep Kevin from his lap, who groaned and rolled onto the rest of the bed.

“I thought I’d swing by the motel to pick up your things,” Connor said, grinning, “Oh, and I’ve got these.” from his pocket, he pulled out a very familiar phone and wallet.

Whizzer found himself paling, dread pooling in the bottom of his stomach.

“Food!” Kevin groaned from the bed.

“I stopped by a Chinese place on the way back…” He placed the phone, wallet, and suitcase beside the bed, continuing on to chat with Kevin who was practically drooling over the food.

Tenderly, he picked up the phone.

He went to turn it on.

He almost cried with relief when he realized it was dead.

It had been days. Marvin must have texted – called, maybe hundreds of times.

Would he be begging for him to come back? Angry at him for leaving?

What did he tell Jason? Did he tell him the truth?

What’s Jason going to think?

He’s got nothing to do with this –

He’s my son, he’s got everything to do with this!

Marvin had shouted, shoving the table over,

If you abandon me, you abandon him too. Is that really what you want, Whizzer?

Of course not!

Marvin had just sighed,

Listen, I’m sorry, Whiz. We shouldn’t be fighting. It was just dinner.

It hadn’t been ‘we’ who was fighting. But Whizzer didn’t want to say anything – to spoil things when Marvin got gentle.

You know what? Let’s just order in. Come back inside, we can talk about it in the morning. I picked up that nice Champagne you like. Let’s just have a nice night in.

Whizzer didn’t even like that Champagne that much, but Marvin did.

Obediently, Whizzer moved away from the door. He placed his suitcase down next to his shoes.

Here, sit down. Relax.

Whizzer sat down on the couch. Marvin began to massage his shoulders, clipping where the side of his neck had struck the bedside table on the way down. Whizzer didn’t complain, though.

I love you, baby.

I love you too, Marvin.

“Whizzer!”

Whizzer blinked, coming back into himself. Connor was standing in front of him, Kevin watching from over his boyfriend’s shoulder.

“Y-yeah?”

“I was asking if you wanted me to charge that for you?”

He gestured to Whizzer’s phone.

No, he wanted to say. Leave it like that. Or, better yet, throw it out the window – into the ocean – then drive over it and feed it to a pack of wolves.

“Yeah, sure,” he said instead, “Thanks.”

Whizzer couldn’t help but wonder if he’d ever be the same, or if he’d always have that piece of Marvin in him.

Maybe he didn’t even want it to leave.

----- CHAPTER BREAK -----

Kevin watched Whizzer as they ate.

He couldn’t help but notice the way his brother eyed his phone, waiting for it to turn back on as it charged on the side table. He kept swallowing, though he was doing little more than picking through his lo mein.

Kevin and Connor exchanged a worried look.

The phone lit up. Whizzer immediately dropped his fork. His hands were shaking.

“Whizzer?” Kevin said quietly. “Whizzer, are you…”

The glazed look was back.

Kevin shuddered, glancing over to Connor.

“Just give him a minute.” Connor sighed.

“I don’t feel like we should have given him his phone back.”

“He’s a grown adult, Kev, we can’t exactly confiscate it.”

“I know, I know. I just…”

“Yeah.”

“Do you think it’s…?”

“Who else could he be thinking about?”

Whizzer blinked, coming back into himself.

It took him a moment to realize what was going on, looking from Kevin and Connor, then down at the dinner he’d barely touched, before suddenly paling and turning around to look at his phone.

“Hey, Whizzer, do you –”

“I’m not hungry,” He maneuvered his wheelchair around, rolling towards the phone, propelling himself with his one good leg.

Connor placed a hand on Kevin’s shoulder.

Kevin covered it with his own.

Whizzer touched the phone tenderly, as if nervous to touch it.

That was when the notifications began arriving.

The phone was clearly on silent, but even from where Kevin was sitting, he could see them popping up, notification after notification.

He looked back at Kevin.

“I need to call him.”

“No, you don’t.”

“I…He’s going to be mad.”

“Let him be mad.” Kevin moved to stand at his shoulder.

He looked sick, “I…I think I need to put this down.”

“Yeah,” Kevin went to take it when a different notification popped up.

Someone named Jason.

His brother froze, grip tightening on the phone as the messages flew by.

Whizzer, please come over. My dad’s acting crazy.

Whizzer?

Whizzer, he’s yelling, please come.

Whizzer, please I’m scared.

He hit Mom. I don’t know what to do.

Whizzer! Please answer!

I’m scared

Mendal got Dad to leave.

Are you okay?

Where are you?

Whizzer?

Please pick up.

I’m going to bed now. Call in the morning?

Whizzer?

Kevin looked up, but Whizzer was long gone.

He took the phone from his lax grip and turned it off.
 
—-

Marvin, please!

Shut up, Whizzer! Shut the fuck up!

A bottle shattered next to Whizzer’s head.

I’m sorry, I –

What did I just tell you?

Marvin was mad. He was really mad.

Marvin, I wasn’t cheating on you, you know I wouldn’t –

Do I? Do I, Whizzer?

Marvin demanded, storming over and shoving his face into the glass on the floor,

Then where were you last night?

I told you, Marv! I needed some time to myself –

You booked a hotel –

Where else did you want me to sleep?

At home! In our bed! With me!

Marvin snarled, pushing him onto his back, crushing Whizzer's hand beneath his heel.

Marvin, stop, you’re hurting me!

Oh yeah? Well you’re hurting

me!

Marvin!

Whizzer’s head connected with the wall.

Whizzer, baby, you know I’m sorry.

Marvin was whispering when Whizzer slipped back into consciousness,

You know I didn’t mean it, I would never hurt you on purpose, baby.

I know,

Whizzer had whispered through his bruised lungs. Everything was a blur. He probably had a concussion.

Come on, let’s go to bed –

Marvin, I think I need to go to the hospital –

No, you’re okay

, Marvin had combed his fingers through Whizzer’s hair. It used to be soothing, but now it just felt like he was tensely waiting for him to tug.

Marvin, it really hurts –

Let me draw you a bath, then –

Marvin!

Marvin’s hands clenched around Whizzer’s hair. He froze.

It’s okay, Baby. I’ll take care of you.

Whizzer wanted to argue, but Marvin’s hands still rested tensely in his hair and his head still really hurt. And…he guessed a bath would sound nice, so long as Marvin didn’t…Well, who was he kidding?

Whizzer let out a sob as Marvin wrapped his arms around his waist, hoisting him up.

They stumbled to the bathroom

Whizzer didn’t get much rest that night.
 
Whizzer returned to himself. It took him a moment to realize where he was.

A hotel. In New Jersey. With his brother.

His brother who was standing at his side, rubbing his back, humming some old hymn Whizzer vaguely recognized.

He blinked. What had he been doing?

His hand was empty.

Hand. Phone. Jason!

“My –” His mouth felt dry, he cleared his throat, looking up at Kevin, “Where’s my phone?”

Kevin glanced back at Connor, “Oh, uh –”

He instinctively tried to stand up, only to feel his ribs pinch and his knee buckle.

“Jack!” Kevin grabbed his shoulder as he caught himself on the table.

“Kevin, where’s my phone?”

“I – I don’t think!”

“Here,” Connor snatched the phone off the shelf by the bed and handed it to him, “Do you want us to step out?”

Whizzer swallowed, the weight of the phone in his hand making him feel sick.

“Y-yes. If you don’t mind…”

“Come on, Kev.” Connor pulled his boyfriend out the door.

The door shut behind them and Whizzer was left in a suffocating silence.

He picked up the phone and dialed.

----- CHAPTER BREAK -----

“Whizzer?” Jason’s picked up immediately. “Whizzer, are you okay?”

Whizzer? Whizzer, are you okay?

Jason’s voice called from the hall.

Jason?

Whizzer looked up from his position on the floor. His head was pounding and his body ached, one of his fingers felt broken. He would just say he fell at racquetball. Even through the fog, he didn’t need to ask what had happened – he was on the floor of the apartment feeling like shit. Marvin had happened.

Whizzer, oh my G-d –

Whizzer scooted back, using the wall to take his weight and push himself up.

Jason, are you all right?

Jason had dropped to his knees at Whizzer’s side.

Am I – Whizzer! What did Dad do?

I – It’s nothing, Jason, your dad didn’t do anything –

Why are you defending him?

Jason demanded,

I’m not stupid, I know he’s been hurting you.

He doesn’t mean to, Jason,

Whizzer promised,

I goad him into it. It’s part of the games we play.

Jason threw himself into Whizzer’s chest – he had to hold back a pained groan as he landed.

I don’t like it when he hurts you.

It was just an accident. He didn’t mean it.

Then why can’t I tell Mom?

Don’t tell your mother,

Whizzer said immediately. Marvin would kill him if Trina found out. He would actually kill him.

She’ll only worry.

What if I worry?

He loves me, Jason,

Whizzer promised,

He’d never hurt me on purpose.

Jason curled up on Whizzer’s lap and cried.
 
“Whizzer! Whizzer are you there?”

“J-Jason,” Whizzer stumbled out. Hotel. Kevin. He was calling Jason.

Marvin had hit Trina.

Marvin had scared Jason.

“Oh my G-d, Whizzer, I thought you were dead!” Jason sobbed into the phone.

“Jason, Jason, I’m okay –”

“Dad wouldn’t tell us where you were and Mom won’t let me visit –”

“Don’t visit him,” Whizzer said desperately, “Jason, don’t go anywhere near him. Give him a few more days to cool off –”

“Are you with him?” Jason asked, “Whizzer, did he hurt you?”

Whizzer swallowed.

“I – no. I got out. I’m staying with my brother.”

Jason let out a relieved breath.

“Good.”

“Are you sure you’re okay?” Whizzer pushed, “Do you want to talk about what happened?”

“Mom’s already having me talk to Mendel.”

“Yeah, but Mendel’s…” He searched for the right word.

“A terrible psychiatrist?” Jason offered.

“No – no, I did not say that! Do

not

tell your mom, I said that!”

Jason giggled and Whizzer could’ve sworn it was the most beautiful sound in the world.

“Can you come visit?” Jason asked. “I promise Dad won’t be here – Mom said if he comes back, she’s going to call the police.”

“I…” Whizzer stared at the closed hotel room door. “I don’t know, Jason.”

“Can I meet your brother?” He asked, before adding petulantly, “You never told me you had a brother.”

Whizzer looked down at himself, bound to a wheelchair until his ribs had healed enough to allow him to use crutches for his knee. Bruises still molted his face, and with all these memories sending him spiraling they way they did…

“I don’t know if that’s a good idea, bud.”

“Why not?”

Whizzer hesitated.

“Jace, I really don’t think your mother would be –”

“Mom would be fine with it,” Jason insisted. “She said she was worried about you too. She tried to call and you didn’t pick up.”

“Sorry, my phone was dead.”

“For three days?”

“Yes.”

Jason sniffled through the phone.

“I just want to see you’re okay. It would make Mom and Mendal feel better too.”

“I – I don’t know,” Whizzer admitted, “I…I’ll talk to my brother about it.”

“Really? Thanks, Whizzer!”

He could feel the kid beaming through the cell phone.

“So tell me about you, kid,” Whizzer said, “How’s school?”

“Well, there’s this new girl, Julie Johnson…”

Whizzer smiled and just listened to him talk.
 
“I was thinking about asking if she wanted to play chess with me at lunch…”

“You should!”

“But I don’t want to ask when she’s with all of her friends.”

“Pull her aside after class,” Whizzer suggested.

“Yeah, but I don’t want –” He cut himself off, his voice was muffled but still audible, “What? Mom, no I – Mom, I’m talking to Whizzer!”

There was the sound of pounding feet and suddenly another voice was on the phone.

“Whizzer? – Jason, go downstairs and wash up for dinner – yes, I’ll give you your phone back in a minute!”

There was the sound of a disgruntled Jason making his exit.

“Whizzer?” She asked again after a moment.

“Hi Trina.”

“Oh my goodness, Whizzer, are you all right?”

“I’m fine, Trina – sorry I haven’t been answering my phone, it’s been off.”

“For three days?”

Whizzer smiled, she and her son were so much alike.

What, you don’t think my son is like me?

I never said that! I just said he was like Trina! He’s her kid too, he’s going to be like both of you!

I don’t appreciate you making snide remarks about my child!

It wasn’t a snide remark, it was –

He sucked in a breath of air as Marvin struck him. 
“Whizzer? Whizzer are you, there?”

Whizzer blinked.

“Hi, yes. I’m here.”

In a hotel. Kevin and Connor were…somewhere. On the phone with Jason – no, with Trina now.

“Whizzer, please, are you all right? Do you need me to come get you?”

“No, no – I mean, yes, I’m fine. Jason told me what happened – are you okay?”

“I’m fine, Mendel got him out. I’m worried about Jason –”

“I am too, we talked about it for a bit, but –”

“But I’m more worried about you.”

Whizzer’s breath hitched. “What? Trina, I’m fine.”

“Goodness, Whizzer, I was terrified that when Mendel sent him home, he’d – that something had happened to you!”

“No, uh…I was actually gone before that. Marvin kicked me out.”

“I…oh.”

“Yeah.”

“And…and you have somewhere to stay?”

“I’m with my brother. I’m okay, Trina.”

“He didn’t hurt you?”

“No.”

“Oh Whizzer,” she breathed.

There was a distant noise, as Trina yelled away from the phone, “What was that, sweetheart?” She chuckled as she returned to the speaker, “Jason wants to know when you can visit.”

“Trina, I really don’t think…”

“You know you’re welcome here, Whizzer,” she promised gently.

“I know, Trina, and I really appreciate it, but…”

“But what?”

“I…Trina I haven’t been…It wasn’t Marvin, but…”

“Whizzer, what’s going on?”

“I’m okay,” he tried to insist, “I just got a little roughed up and…I got out of the hospital this morning and I…I don’t want Jason to see me like this.”

“Oh my – are you – I mean, stupid question, but –”

“I’m fine,” he repeated.

“And your brother, he’s taking good care of you?”

“Yes, he’s…he’s been wonderful.”

“Is he nearby? You could come visit when –”

“We’re going to stay at his friend’s place in Tennessee. We’re leaving day after tomorrow.”

“So you’re still nearby?”

He hesitated. “Jersey.”

“Let me come by, I can bring you some extra clothes –”

“Trina, that’s really not necessary…”

“Please, Whizzer, I can’t imagine Marv left you with much, and I don’t know your brother’s financial situation, but if you’re staying at a friend’s house, I can’t imagine he’s well off. Please, Mendel and I have plenty.”

“Trina…”

“I’m worried about you.”

He sighed.

“Okay.”

----- CHAPTER BREAK -----

“Hey, Whizzer?” Kevin was knocking on the door, “Are we good to come back in now?”There was fumbling on the other side of the door, “Uh, yeah – Yes, you can come in.”Kevin and Connor pushed the door open. Whizzer in the wheelchair, rolling back and forth as if pacing. He didn’t look like he’d been crying, his face looked dry, his eyes looked lucid, his skin still held its color. He seemed, for all intents and purposes…fine.“Are you…how did it go?”Whizzer decided then to hit them over the head with:“My ex-boyfriend’s ex-wife is coming over.”Kevin balked, “What?” Connor looked alarmed, “Should we leave?” “No! No, uh, I said she could come.”Kevin stared at him for a moment, trying his best to formulate anything that could be even vaguely considered words. What in the actual –? Fortunately, as always, Connor was there to rescue him.“So this is…this is a good thing?”Whizzer shrugged, looking uncomfortable, “Yes? No?” he sighed, “I don’t know. She said she’d bring me some clothes and things.”“That’s…nice,” Kevin offered.“Yeah,” Whizzer said quietly, “She’s been…way kinder to me than I ever deserved.” He shook his head, “I still don’t understand how she doesn’t hate me.”“Why do you say that?”He swallowed, “Marv and I…I didn’t know they were married for a month…”Kevin felt the Earth shift slightly. True, he wasn’t exactly Mormon anymore, and true, he already knew Whizzer was a sex worker and that he wasn’t strictly monogamous, but this was the first time his brother had said something that truly made him feel…scandalized?He looked down, “It didn’t really bother me when I found out, either…I was just upset he’d lied…She caught us in the den…” he cleared his throat, “Anyway…She and Marv got divorced,” Kevin was beginning to get real fucking frustrated with the pet name after all this monster had put him through, “Marv and I moved in together, she…tolerated me. We did family dinners sometimes…I would help her in the kitchen and she…” He swallowed reflexively, “She was kind of mean at first, but after a while…she should have hated me, but…”The lucidity vanished from his eyes and the glaze returned.Kevin glanced over at Connor, who was watching with concern.“I’m going to call back the hospital,” Connor decided as they walked back over to Whizzer, Kevin moving to rub circles on his back while Connor went to tidy up from lunch. “What? Why? You don’t think…?”“I don’t know, Kev, but this isn’t normal. I mean, obviously it’s stress-induced, but…”“Heavenly Father – do you think he has brain damage?”“I don’t know, but this can’t be normal.”Kevin sighed. It was just…unthinkable. Then Whizzer was back, looking confused and disoriented. Kevin watched as his eyes blinked lethargically, scanned the room, registered its inhabitants, and slowly contextualized the situation.“You were talking about your ex-boyfriend’s ex-wife coming to visit,” Kevin reminded him before he could ask, “And…I hate to ask this, but…do you really think this is a good idea?”He looked confused, “It’s all right, Trina’s fine – she’s nice.”“Yeah, you say that, Whizzer, but your standard for ‘nice’ isn’t exactly high.” Connor said bluntly.“No, no, Trina is great, really. She’s…she’s not like Marvin.”That felt like the closest they’d get to Whizzer admitting Marvin was a bastard as they’d get for a while.“So when is she coming?”He winced, “In two hours.”“Whizzer!”“She was…she said she was worried.”Connor frowned. “She must have been really worried.”His expression softened. “I think she was.” An hour and a half later and there was a knock at the door.Whizzer perked up, looking mildly optimistic, which was promising. So Kevin helped him into the chair while Connor moved to the door.“Oh, hi, sorry, I – I think I’m at the wrong room –”“Trina!” Whizzer grinned, gesturing her in.She looked at him, then back to Connor.“Oh, you must be –”“Kevin’s his brother,” Connor said amusedly, gesturing over to Kevin, “I’m Kevin’s boyfriend.”“Connor!” Kevin hissed – they didn’t know if Trina…But Trina smiled warmly, “Lovely to meet you.”She walked over to Whizzer, who looked to be doing his best to appear blasé and well, despite the bruises on his face, the brace around his knee, and the wheelchair he was trying his best to make appear like an ordinary chair. Her face suddenly went dark.“I’m going to kill him.” She decided.“No – Trina, this wasn’t Marvin –”“Like hell, it wasn’t Marvin!” She shouted, throwing her hands in the air, “You think I never saw the bruises! Never saw the way you winced when…” She slowed as every muscle in Whizzer’s body seemed to tense. “I’m sorry, dear,” she whispered, placing a hand on his cheek, “I shouldn’t have ignored it for so long. I just thought that because he’d never hit me…I didn’t want to believe…Whizzer I’m so sorry.”Whizzer wiped the tears from his eyes. He looked up with the most heartbroken expression, “He never…I mean, God, Trina, I’m glad, but…” He swallowed.“Can I?”He nodded and Trina knelt and wrapped her arms around him as Whizzer let out a heart-wrenching sob.Connor looked at Kevin who nodded back. This was good. Trina was good.Finally, they released.Her fingers ghosted along the bruise on the side of his head.“It wasn’t Marvin.” Whizzer repeated.“Why are you defending him?”“I’m not,” Whizzer said defensively, “It really wasn’t him.”“Who was it, then?”He shook his head. “A john.”He’d used that term earlier and Kevin hadn’t exactly known what it meant, but Trina certainly seemed to. Her mouth pressed into a line and her eyes grew pitiful.“Why didn’t you come to us?He shrugged, “Didn’t think I could.” Then, after a moment, he added, “I didn’t think you’d want me.”“Whizzer, honey, you know you’re always welcome with us.”He smiled, but it didn’t look very genuine.She sighed, running her hands through his unkempt hair. Kevin noticed him tense, but he didn’t say anything.Kevin caught Connor’s gaze and glanced towards the bathroom. Connor followed him in as Kevin whispered, “Do you think we should tell her?”“About what?”He shrugged. “Everything.”“Is it for us to say?”“But will he tell her? She seems…”“So might Marvin.”“He said she wasn’t like him.”Connor grimaced. “He could be wrong.”And then Trina screamed.

----- CHAPTER BREAK -----

“Whizzer! Whizzer! Oh my – Whizzer, are you all right?” Trina was shouting. Kevin and Connor came running out of the bathroom.
Trina was on her knees in front of Kevin’s brother, who was staring blankly, hands shaking, eyes glazed and unfocused.

Kevin hurried to his brother’s side as Connor moved to address Trina.

“What’s going on?” Trina demanded, sounding bewildered.

“He’s been doing this off and on ever since we took him from the hospital,” Connor admitted quietly, “We’re worried that when he hit his head…”

“He hit his head?” Trina fretted, joining Kevin anxiously at his side, “I mean – oh, look at him, of course he did. Is he going to be all right?”

“We don’t know,” Connor murmured as Kevin continued to rub circles in his brother’s back.

In all honesty, he didn’t even know if it was helpful, but it gave him something to do, a way to feel useful when he felt so entirely helpless. Trina looked like she was itching to do the same, so Kevin released, gesturing forward for her to take her place.

She did gladly, shooting him a grateful smile as she did.

After a moment, Whizzer blinked, his eyes refocused. He looked confused, his gaze hazy. It took him a minute, longer than usual, to come back to himself.

“Whizzer?” Trina asked as he met her eye.

“I…Trina, hi, I…uh, sorry, what were we…?”

Connor placed a hand on Kevin’s shoulder, squeezing it comfortingly.

Kevin turned and allowed Connor to wrap his arms around him.

“He’ll be okay,” Connor whispered.

Kevin felt like crying.

“It’s nothing,” Whizzer was promising Trina, “I just got caught in a memory. You know,” He mouthed the word,

Marvin.

He clearly hadn’t intended for anyone else to see, but they did regardless.

“Marvin did this?” Kevin demanded.

“I’m gonna kill him,” both he and Trina decided in tandem.

“No, don’t – he didn’t

do

anything, I was just thinking about him. I don’t know, I just get caught in memories sometimes – I get distracted, you know what I’m like, Trina.”

“Yes, I do, and it’s not this.” Trina said, “You’re not stupid, you know that, right? No matter how much Marvin said you were.”

“I…” The syllable barely came out, his throat bobbing, and he was gone again.

Kevin was beginning to notice a pattern.

“It’s like a flashback,” He realized. “Like, with PTSD.”

Many of the villagers in Uganda were deeply familiar with the disorder. He remembered the first time Nabulungi heard a car backfiring in the states…but this didn’t look anything like that had.

Trina’s hand covered her mouth, “His flashbacks were never anything like this before.”

Connor spun around to look at her, “He’s had flashbacks before?”

She bit her lip, nodding.

“He kept trying to insist it wasn’t, but…oh, it was awful. He was helping me with dinner in the kitchen and – it wasn’t even his fault, I walked into him – but he dropped a glass and…”

She took a moment, recentering herself.

“Why is this happening to him?” She asked.

“I don’t know,” Kevin whispered.

“He’s so young – oh my God, he’s so young and I can’t believe I – Marvin –”

It was just then that Kevin realized how much older Trina was than Whizzer. And if her ex-husband was around the same age…

Whizzer blinked, “Trina?”

“Whizzer.” She hurried back over, kneeling in front of him so that they were at eye level.

“I…sorry, Trin, I…I think I need to lie down.”

“Yes, of course, let me help you.”

She, Kevin, and Connor helped him back into bed. His eyes were closing before they even got his shoes off.

“Sorry,” He whispered as Trina tucked him in.

“You have nothing to be sorry for –”

“Marvin…” He murmured, “‘f I had come back…would’ve hit me instead.”

“Well, it’s a good thing you didn’t come back, then, isn’t it?”

Whizzer didn’t answer.

They could only hope he’d fallen asleep.

Trina began to cry.
 
“So what are you planning to do with him?” Trina asked quietly as they congregated in the far corner of the hotel room while Whizzer slept.

Connor and Kevin exchanged a look.

“We haven’t really thought that far ahead,” Kevin admitted, after having described the series of events that had led up to Whizzer asleep in their hotel room. “We were going to bring him with us to Tennessee in a couple days, but further than that…”

“We’re going back to Uganda next month,” Connor added, “So after we leave…”

“He can stay with us,” Trina said quickly, “My – my fiance and son –”

“Jason,” Kevin suddenly connected.

“You – he told you about Jason?”

“I saw his text messages.”

She nodded, lips pressed together.

“We’ll take care of him,” Trina promised, “He’s always welcome with us. So are you, you know.”

Kevin smiled, “Thank you, Trina.”

“So,” Trina said, “what’s in Uganda?”
 
“I had no idea, Whizzer grew up Mormon,” Trina was laughing, “He told us he was half-Jewish!”

“Well, we are, technically,” Kevin admitted, “Our grandmother converted into the church. I didn’t know he was interested in that side of things.”

“Well, I don’t think he was at first, but Marvin and I are Jewish, so I think that played a role.”

“Oh,” He supposed that made sense. “So do you do like…Jewish Missions?”

She laughed, “No, no Missions here. Actually, I’ll tell you what, when did you say your flight was?”

“The 23rd.”

“I take it you’ll be flying out of New York?”

Kevin nodded.

“Perfect, you should visit us for Rosh Hashanah – it’s the new year.”

“When is –”

“It starts the evening of the twenty-first. We can drive you to the airport for your flight.”

They started to chat logistics when Connor suddenly paused.

“You know, he could always come with us.”

Kevin blinked, “What?”

“Your brother,” Connor elaborated as Kevin mentally retraced the conversation, “He could come with us.”

“To Uganda?”

“Yeah.”

“Connor, we can’t do that, he’s…” He reached for the right word to use.

“He’s resilient,” Trina said firmly. “To put up with Marvin, he had to be.”

Kevin bit his lip. “I’m not saying he’s not, I just…”

“He’s only been out of the hospital for two days,” Connor reminded him gently. “Let’s give it some more time. We don’t even know if he’d want to.”

Kevin glanced over to where Whizzer was laying silently. His breath looked steady, his body lax, but there was a tenseness gathered in his forehead that left Kevin wondering if he was really asleep, after all.

----- CHAPTER BREAK -----

Whizzer had spent probably hundreds of hours pretending to sleep in his life. First as a child, clinging to the precious moments of affection that would be his parents carrying him inside after thinking he fell asleep in the car, then later in his career, knowing the moment he showed signs of wakefulness he would be sent out or ordered to do more ‘work’, then after that with Marvin being…Marvin. He would stay up until he could hear the steady breathing of his partner, assuring him that it was safe to let his guard down, then again in the mornings, clutching to the quiet bliss that he knew would evaporate the moment Marvin realized he was awake.That said, it wasn’t unusual for him to wake silently and without moving. He could feel the bed beneath him – cheap, but not so cheap as a motel. A hotel, then. Was there a john here? There were people. Voices. What were they saying?“-half-Jewish!”He was Half-Jewish. Were they talking about…?“Well, we are, technically,” He recognized that voice. Kevin. His brother – Kevin, Connor, and Trina, he was in a hotel room with them. Right. He was…safe?“Our grandmother converted into the church. I didn’t know he was interested in that side of things.” Kevin was explaining.“Well, I don’t think he was at first, but Marvin and I are Jewish, so I think that played a role.”“Oh. So do you do like…Jewish Missions?”Whizzer almost broke and laughed right then and there, but he didn’t. He wasn’t even sure why he kept hiding it. Maybe he was interested. Maybe he just wanted to listen.They kept talking about logistics, about visiting on Rosh Hashanah, and Whizzer was just about to reveal his woken state when Connor suddenly spoke.“You know, he could always come with us.”“What?” Kevin asked, sounding shocked.“Your brother,” Connor explained, “He could come with us.”
“To Uganda?”
“Yeah.”He had to admit, it wasn’t the worst idea, he could escape…everything. You’re running away from yourself. The Marvin in the back of his head reminded him. You’re running away from me. Well, good. Maybe that’s what he needed right now.“Connor, we can’t do that,” Kevin argued back, “he’s…”“He’s resilient,” Trina said, her voice was firm and confident. It was almost…touching how much faith she had in him. “To put up with Marvin, he had to be.” She finished quietly.“I’m not saying he’s not,” Kevin said, “I just…”“He’s only been out of the hospital for two days,” Connor’s voice was gentle and reassuring, though the tone made Whizzer feel sick, he felt his brow draw. “Let’s give it some more time. We don’t even know if he’d want to.”Whizzer peaked one eye open, only to find his brother staring into him.“Morning, Kev.”“It’s almost six at night.”“Evening, Kev.”He scoffed, shaking his head, “You’re terrible.”“I do try my best.”He groaned as he sat up. Kevin and Trina immediately tried to rush to his aid but he gestured them away.“Stop – I’m fine, I’m fine.”“They told me about your concussion,” Trina demanded, “What else aren’t you telling me?”He grunted as he settled himself, “Bruised ribs, formerly dislocated knee.”“Anything else?”“Hurt pride.”She sighed, shaking her head, before gently touching the side of his face.“It’s good to see you feeling better,” she said sincerely.He smiled and for the first time since the breakup, he felt okay. “Are you sure, Whizzer?” Trina asked as she bustled around, collecting her things, she’d left a stack of clothes neatly folded on Kevin and Connor’s bed. “We really wouldn’t mind – you know Jason would love it.”“I’m sure,” Whizzer promised, “Kev will take care of me – won’t you, Kevin!”Kevin rolled his eyes, though his mouth twitched upward.“It doesn’t look like I have much choice, do I?”Whizzer smiled, laughed even. He doesn’t want you, the Marvin in his head reminded him. No one does. He’s my brother and he cares about me.
Does he? You abandoned him.
He understands.
Does he?
Of course he does. He’s gay too.
He didn’t leave. You did. Just like you left me.
You hurt me.There was a moment where the Marvin in his head was quiet.He blinked up to where Trina was watching him nervously.“Thanks for coming, Trina.” He said, and that must have slotted right into the context, as her body relaxed.“Please keep in touch, Whizzer. You know you’re always welcome.”
She’s lying.
Shut up, Marvin.“Thank you, Trina – tell Jason I’m okay.”She raised an eyebrow. “You have his number.”“But he’ll actually believe it if it comes from you.”She smiled, touching his face again. It felt so…intimate when she did it. Not like Marvin. Marvin grabbed his chin, forcing it upwards. Marvin grabbed both sides of his head and forced him to focus. Marvin…Marvin made him pull his head back, sliding his hands through and trying to shove him away. But Trina…Trina’s touch felt soft and gentle. The touch was light, just barely grazing the bruise as if trying to soothe the pain with her fingers. He felt himself subconsciously leaning in.Trina seemed to notice this too and her expression softened into something that looked sickeningly like pity. He felt himself pull back.Trina released his face, moving her fingers down to his hands where she held them tenderly.“I remember what it was like, too, Whizzer,” she promised quietly, “I remember what it was like to crave a kind touch.”“I’m okay –”“So was I,” she said, “And now I’m so much better.”He smiled, “Give Mendel my best.”She squeezed his hand. “I will.”

----- CHAPTER BREAK -----

“So,” Whizzer said, once Trina had taken her leave. “Tennassee.”

“I was thinking we stay a few more days…” Connor began slowly, eyeing Whizzer nervously to gauge his response.

Whizzer frowned, “I thought we were leaving tomorrow.”

Kevin exchanged a look with his boyfriend.

“Yes,” He said, just as slowly, looking to Connor for help, “We were just thinking it might be better to…you know…stay here a little longer. To help with your recovery.”

“I’m fine,” Whizzer insisted, “you heard Trina, I’m doing better. I’m not on bedrest or anything –”

Kevin bit his lip, trying to be gentle. “Yeah, but you’re still…”

“I’m fine, Kevin.”

“I’m just…I’m worried.”

“Why? I’m fine!”

“How’s the headache?” Connor asked.

He scowled, “It’s not that bad. Pretty much gone.”

Connor looked skeptical, meeting Kevin’s eyes and tilting his head, clearly looking for his boyfriend’s input.

Kevin shrugged. He had to admit, it would make him feel better to stay for a few more days…but Whizzer was clearly itching to get out. That, or he felt like he was forcing them to stay instead of getting on with things…

He looked down at his brother, who had climbed out of bed and had begun picking up and refolding the clothes Trina had sent, for no other reason than to look productive.

“You know you’re not like…a burden, or anything, right?”

He snorted, rolling his eyes, clearly trying to look uncaring, but his hands trembled slightly, fumbling with the clothes before refolding them again.

“I’m your brother, Kevin – being a burden is literally my job.”

“You’re not, though.” Kevin said. “We want you here. I…I missed you.”

Whizzer’s eyes glazed over, and for a moment, Kevin thought he’d gone again, but then he saw the tears welling up.

“Sorry, sorry –” He quickly turned, trying to wipe his eyes.

“No, it’s fine, it’s fine.” Kevin found himself rubbing his own eyes too, “Let it out, you know?”

Whizzer suddenly stumbled up on his good leg and wrapped his arms around Kevin.

“I’m sorry I left you, Kev,” He whispered.

Kevin had spent every day since his brother had left trying to pretend it didn’t bother him – he was ungodly, after all. That’s what his parents said. He had been taken by Satan and couldn’t stay in their godly home. Kevin hadn’t fought. Just like he hadn’t fought when Jack was punished – he wouldn’t be in the situation if he’d just behaved. Just like he hadn’t fought when they sent Jack off to that camp – all he had to do was rebuke homosexuality and he could come home. He wondered if he would have spoken up if he’d known that Jack hadn’t done anything wrong.

“It wasn’t your fault,” Kevin promised, “You know it was never your fault.”

They got meaner after Whizzer left, though. Now he understood that they had been taking out much of their anger at God onto his poor baby brother. They’d gotten better at it since Kevin came out, but there were definitely moments where he would curse Whizzer for leaving so he wouldn’t have someone to distract them.

“I should have just played their games,” Whizzer was saying, “I should’ve been sneakier about it – I should have –”

“It wasn’t your fault, Whizzer.” Kevin said firmly, releasing his brother to grip his shoulders. “What they did was wrong. You didn’t do anything.”

“Kev, you can’t say that.”

“I can, I have, and I’ll do it again. You. Did. Nothing. Wrong.”

His face narrowed in a way that Kevin struggled to identify, something he disguised by turning his face away to lower himself back into the wheelchair with a grunt.

“How long until my ribs are healed?” He complained.

“The doctor said four to six weeks, but you can probably start using a crutch in two.”

Whizzer groaned dramatically – Kevin had the increasingly suspicious feeling that he was a little more dramatic (and perhaps a touch more manipulative) than he had so far appeared to be.

“I’m feeling fine, I promise.” He insisted.

Kevin and Connor exchanged a look. It was Connor who finally relented.

“Fine. But we’ll take it slow.”

“Deal.”

“I’m not going to fall, Kev.” Whizzer reminded Kevin sharply.

He was far more active today – there were a number of times where he vacated his chair, holding decently steady on one foot, easing himself across the room, holding onto the walls, tables, and chairs. Of course, Kevin was standing right behind him, anxiously hovering every time he moved.

“This morning you could barely get to the bathroom on your own!”

“Yeah, and I’m feeling better now – stop hovering!”

“I’m not hovering!”

“You are, too!”

“I am not!”

Whizzer suddenly began laughing, then coughing, gripping onto the wall as he collapsed in on himself. Kevin caught him, calling out to Connor, who dropped his book, jumping up from the bed, and quickly brought over the chair for Whizzer to be lowered into.

“I’ll get him some water,” Connor said, grabbing his cup.

“Fine I’m –” Whizzer coughed again, “I’m okay – sorry –”

“Nothing to be sorry about,” Kevin reminded him for what felt like the hundredth time as Connor hurried back over.

Whizzer smiled, choking on the water slightly, but making a quick recovery – Kevin kept a close eye on his hands, though, as they clutched his ribs protectively.

“You all right?” He asked once Whizzer had put the water down.

“Yeah, sorry I just – I realized how much we sound like brothers.”

“We

are

brothers.” Kevin teased.

Something unidentifiable crossed Whizzer’s face.

“What is it?” Kevin asked, his expression falling.

“Nothing, nothing – did you decide what we should do for dinner?”

That did very little to alleviate the anxiety sitting in Kevin’s chest, but Connor was nodding alongside him.

“We were talking about trying that Lebanese place we saw,” He offered, “Whizzer, do you want to come with me to pick it up.”

“What?” Kevin demanded, as Whizzer said, “Yes!”

Kevin immediately pulled Connor into the hall.

“Connor! You can’t seriously think –”

“Whizzer is an adult, Kev,” Connor reminded him gently, “You can’t just keep him trapped in here. He’s doing good today – it’ll be nice for him to get some fresh air.”

“I’m coming –”

“No, you’re not.” Connor placed his hands on Kevin’s shoulders, “I love you, babe, and he loves you, but he needs a break from all of this…” He gestured to Kevin.

“From me?”

“He wasn’t wrong when he said you were hovering.” Connor said gently.

“Then I can get the food –”

“Let him get out – stretch his legs, well, metaphorically. We’ll be careful.”

Kevin sighed, relenting. “You’d better.”

“I love you.”

“Love you too.”

Kevin sighed. This kid was going to be the death of him.

----- CHAPTER BREAK -----

“Thank you for this,” Whizzer said gratefully as they waited for the elevator.

Connor laughed, “You looked like you could use a break.”

He nodded, “I love Kevin to death, I really do, but God, can he be overbearing.”

Connor nodded empathetically as the elevator door opened and he pushed Whizzer in. “He definitely can, but it’s only been days. He’s just worried about you.”

“We argued earlier.”

“I know. I heard you.”

“He wasn’t angry.” Whizzer spoke it like a statement – firm, but almost disbelieving.

“No,” Connor said slowly, “He wasn’t. Did it upset you?” He was sure if he told Kevin the back and forth had upset his brother, he’d do more than stop – probably spend the next month of his life speaking exclusively in whispers.

“No, it didn’t.” Whizzer said, as if he couldn’t quite believe it himself. “We argued, but it was…good. Like brothers.”

“Not like Marvin.” Connor picked up.

Whizzer smiled. “No, not like Marvin. Not like anyone.”

While Kevin liked to dance around the M word, Connor addressed it with a bluntness that Whizzer seemed to appreciate. Marvin was a part of Whizzer’s life, and avoiding saying his name wasn’t going to change the memories.

They moved comfortably – well, Connor did, pushing Whizzer out to the car and helping him in as he grunted, his ribs obviously tugging as he moved.

“Here, let me –”

“No, I’ve got it.” Whizzer pushed himself up.

Connor nodded, folding up the chair and stowing it in the trunk before moving back to the front seat.

“Buckled in?”

“Yes, Connor, I’m buckled,” Whizzer said, his voice sounding dry.

“Sorry, just checking.”

He started the car and pulled out of the parking lot.
Connor wasn’t entirely sure what to say – he hadn’t exactly spent much time alone with Kevin’s brother. Obviously, he didn’t want to ask about Marvin, or even Trina and Jason, but what else was there to say? Fortunately, Whizzer took the initiative.
“I want to go with you to Uganda.”

Connor had to take a moment to ensure he was focusing on the road before he responded.

“Okay…?”

“So can I come?”

Connor hesitated, flicking on his blinker as they went to turn.

“We’re not staying in a five-star hotel or anything.”

“That’s okay. I’ve slept rough before.”

“The work isn’t easy.”

“I’m not expecting it to be.”

Connor frowned. “We’ll have to talk to Kevin about it.”

“I know.” Whizzer admitted.

“He won’t like it.”

“I know.”

“It has nothing to do with loving you.”

“I know.”

Connor shook his head. “Are you sure this is a good idea, with…everything?”

“I just…I need to get away from here – away from everything. I can’t keep thinking about him. I need a change – a big change.”

“I mean, this is certainly a big change, but…is it really the change you need?”

“I have nothing outside of Marvin, Connor,” Whizzer said bluntly, “I’ve been hopping from guy to guy since I was fifteen. Without him, I have nothing…”

“I’m sure that’s not true –“

“I’m not being self-deprecating,” Whizzer insisted, “I’m being honest. If I move in with Trina, I’m back exactly where I was – what happens when I recover? Will she still want me there? Will I just be expected to settle down and be a housewife again?”

“I’m sure she wouldn’t…”

“I don’t want that, Connor.” Whizzer said. “I don’t know what I want, but I know it’s not that.”

Connor considered this, trying his best to imagine Whizzer’s situation from pieces he and Kevin had collected. While he clearly wasn’t…well, his mental state seemed coherent and stable. And there was certainly work he was fit for on the Mission. It could be good for him.

“Okay,” he said, “you’ll come with us, then.”

Connor watched through the rearview mirror as Whizzer visibly relaxed, though he could see the exhaustion and pain lining his eyes – it had been a good day, but he was getting worn out.

“I can’t promise Kevin will be on board.”

“Oh…right.”

“But at the end of the day, it’s not his decision.”

“It’s not?”

Connor shook his head. “It’s your choice. If you were anyone else, Kev would have no hesitancy letting you come. He’s only worried because you’re his little brother. He’s just trying to protect you.”

“I don’t need his protection. I’ve gotten this far on my own.”

“I know that. You know that. I think even he knows that to some extent, but knowing and accepting are two different things.”

Whizzer hummed from the back seat as they pulled into the little restaurant.

“Feeling up to coming in with me?”

“Yes,” Whizzer said, maybe a bit too quickly. Obviously he was trying to prove himself – prove he was capable, prove he could handle himself.

“Are you –“

“I’m sure.”

“You just seem a little –“

“I’m fine.”

He’s an adult. He knows his own limits. He’s an adult. He knows his own limits.

“Okay.”

Whizzer was shaky as he got out of the car.

“Are you sure –?”

“I’m fine.”

There was a step inside the restaurant that they hadn’t seen – Whizzer paled terribly as they went over it.

“It’s really no problem if you want to –“

“Did Kevin text you his order?”

The crease on his brow grew as Whizzer blanked out halfway through his order and Connor had to jump in and finish for him.

“Where…?”

“Getting dinner at the Lebanese place.”

He blinked, and for the first time Connor wasn’t sure he truly was registering exactly where he was.

The employee shot Connor a pitying look.

Connor wanted to punch his teeth in.

Christ, Kevin was going to kill him.

----- CHAPTER BREAK -----

Alarm bells were ringing off the hook in Kevin’s head as Connor and Whizzer returned to the hotel that evening.

“He fell asleep in the car,” Connor explained as he rolled Kevin’s unconscious brother through the door.

Kevin looked at his boyfriend who, despite the nonchalant tone, had his brow creased with concern, his body tense, moving Whizzer with extreme care.

“What happened?”

“It’s been a long day.” Connor rationalized.

“I told you we shouldn’t have –”

“Kev,” Connor said firmly, “I love you. It’s not your choice.”

“I know, I know.” Kevin sighed, running a hand through his greasy hair, “But I just…I mean, he clearly can’t…I just…”

Connor smiled softly as Kevin tried to formulate a sentence, moving away from Whizzer to cup Kevin’s face.

“He’s a grown man.”

“I know,” he whispered, staring at his brother slumped in his wheelchair, “It’s just…every time I look at him…” He inhaled breath, “He’s just my baby brother.”

Just his poor fifteen year old brother screaming at his parents as they threw him out of the house. Arms throwing themselves up to protect his head as their dad pushed him to the ground – screaming at him, calling him names.
“I’m worried too,” Connor promised, pressing a kiss to his cheek, “But we need to give him room to breathe. He hasn’t had anyone to take care of him since he was fifteen – it’s bound to be an adjustment.” The idea made him nauseous.
“You think…you really think…no one? Not since? And even when he lived with us?” He suddenly found himself wiping tears from his eyes, “What if he never had anyone and we…I just let him…”

Connor wrapped his arms around his boyfriend, holding him tight and close to feel the pressure of his body. “We’re here now. That’s what matters. We’re not going to leave him.”

“Yeah,” Kevin whispered, doing his best to suck in the tears.

“Come on, let’s get him into bed.”

Kevin nodded, kissing Connor back.

“You’re the most amazing thing to ever happen to me – you know that right?”

Connor smiled, “Come on.”

Together they helped Whizzer back into bed, taking off his shoes and brace.

“The knee still looks swollen,” Connor observed, concerned.

“Should we call the hospital?” Kevin asked.

Connor shook his head, “There’s no point. I already tried – Only Whizzer or his emergency contact can talk to the doctors about this stuff.”

Kevin’s face darkened. He had an idea who this emergency contact was.

“So we’ll have Whizzer call them.”

“We’ll

ask

Whizzer to call them.”

“Right. Right.”

Kevin gently pulled a blanket over the sleeping form of his brother. His baby brother who’d gone through more than he ever should have.

Connor placed a hand on his shoulder.

Kevin turned in and threw his arms around him.

“I love you.”

“I love you too, babe.”
 
Despite the previous being a rather good day, the following day was not.

Whizzer woke at around ten that morning looking dazed, confused, and in a lot of pain.

He moved his head, eyes looking unfocused.

Connor watched Kevin flinch as Whizzer ground out.

“Marv?”

Before Kevin could respond, Connor swept in, moving to Whizzer’s side, kneeling down to eye-level and touching his shoulder, trying to ground him.

“No Marvin here. Just Kevin and Connor.”

He blinked.

“Mmm.”

“Do you…know where you are?”

He grunted, shifting uncomfortably in bed, clearly uninterested in the conversation. “With Kevin and Connor.”

“Yes,” Connor said patiently.

He waited a moment to prompt him again, as Whizzer had already clearly begun to assess himself and the situation.

“Hotel,” He recalled, “We got dinner?”

Kevin seemed to deflate with relief, nodding rapidly.

“We saved yours in the fridge, do you think you’re up to eating some?”

Whizzer’s eyes glazed over and Connor could see Kevin’s heart squeeze.

“Come on, let’s get it out. I think Trina left some soup if he’s not up for it.”

Kevin nodded distractedly, struggling to tear his eyes off his brother as they moved to open the tiny refrigerator in the corner.

“Think he’ll want coffee?”

“Maybe.”

Connor worked on getting the food out as Kevin sat by his brother’s side, rubbing his back and murmuring quietly in his ear.

Connor brought over last night’s dinner just as Whizzer was coming back to himself.

“Marv?” He looked around blearily.

“No Marvin, just Kevin and Connor.” Kevin said.

It took him a minute to seem to register this.

“‘Time is it?”

“Uh, quarter past ten?”

“Shit,” He immediately began climbing out of bed.

“Woah, woah, woah, woah,” Kevin immediately tried to push him back.

“Marvin’s gonna kill me –”

Connor had an idea.

“Marvin isn’t here,” Connor repeated, “Hey, Jack, look at me.”

He felt bad using the name Whizzer had explicitly asked them not to use, but…he wanted to try something.

Sure enough, the sound of his old name seemed to shock him out of it, clarity returning to his eyes.

“Kevin? Connor?”

“Yes! It’s us!” Kevin said desperately.

He hummed, sounding pained.

“Are you okay?” Kevin asked, “is it your knee? It looks swollen, we wanted to call the hospital, but –”

“Kevin,” Connor said firmly, “Breathe. Jack – Whizzer, do you want your pain meds?”

Whizzer nodded silently and Kevin and Connor both turned their back to him to begin moving to where the medication sat on the corner table.

“I take it we’re not driving today.” Connor whispered.

Kevin shook his head. “Do you want to call Arnold?”

Connor nodded.

Today was not going to be a good day.

----- CHAPTER BREAK -----

Everything felt blurred. Confused. Scrambled.

It was like every time he turned his head, he got lost again, reaching out and looking for Marvin.

“Marv?” He mumbled into the…pillow? He must be in bed. What time was it? The alarm on his watch hadn’t gone off yet. Was it time to get up?

The bed felt empty next to him. Was Marvin gone already? Was he going to be mad when he got home?

Tender hands were touching his shoulders – Marvin?

“No Marvin here.” The voice said. “Just Kevin and Connor.”

He hummed noncommittally.

His head hurt. He didn’t want to think about whoever Kevin and Connor were. Where was Marvin? Was he mad?

Someone touched his shoulder.

“Do you…know where you are?”

Home? No, not home. He shifted in bed. Not his and Marvin’s bed. Someone else’s bed. Whose bed? He didn’t know. He didn’t care. He wanted Marvin.

“With Kevin and Connor,” He grunted, hoping whoever this was would leave him alone.

Kevin…that was the name of his brother.

Where was he?

He felt lost. Like he was seeing, but…not. His eyes were struggling to stay open.

“Yes,” The voice said – it sounded kind and patient.

The bed felt like…like a hotel bed. Why was he here? Was he cheating on Marvin? Why would he do that?

Kevin. Connor. Why was he hungry? Didn’t they get dinner last night – they did, didn’t they? Did he eat it? Where was Marvin?

“Hotel,” He recalled, “We got dinner?”

Another person moved in front of the first. He knew this person. He loved this person.

Christ, his head just felt so muddy and confused.

“We saved yours in the fridge, do you think you’re up to eating some?” The voice said.

Was it dinner? Did he miss dinner?

You have one job!

Are you serious? One job – Jesus, Marv, you’ve basically turned me into your housewife!

Well which of us is slaving away at work every day, huh?

Because you told me to quit my job –

Oh, yeah – a photographer. Really raking in the big bucks, Whiz.

I liked my job!

More than you like me?

Marvin was close now. Really close. Practically at his throat. There was a correct answer here, and Whizzer knew it. He knew Marvin wanted this fight to end – the way almost all of their fights did.

He was just so tired.

Of course not, Marv,

Whizzer promised,

You know I love you more than that stupid job.

That’s why you quit.

That’s why I quit.

Come on, baby. Let me show you what you quit for.

Marvin pulled him into the bedroom.

Whizzer was so tired.
 
There was a voice – someone was saying something – moving. In his ear. Whispering.

“Marv?” He asked.

“No Marvin, just Kevin and Connor.”

Kevin and Connor. He knew them. Why were they in his bed? Where was Marvin?

“‘Time is it?” He asked.

“Uh, quarter past ten?”

“Shit.”

Oh shit, oh fuck, this was bad. This was really bad. Marvin would be pissed – he missed breakfast – Why didn’t his alarm go off? He must be at work – he would have to go bring him his lunch – that might calm him down enough so that when he got back that night Whizzer could redeem himself with a good meal and some makeup sex –

He began clambering out of the bed.

“Woah, woah, woah, woah,” The person on the bed pushed him back – it was an easy push – if he really wanted to stop him, why hadn’t he pushed harder? Marvin pushed harder.

Shit – fuck – Marvin – breakfast –

He tried to get up again, explaining to the man, “Marvin’s gonna kill me –”

“Marvin isn’t here,” The other one said.

He knew that – that’s why he had to get working on lunch.

“Hey, Jack, look at me.”

Jack blinked.

Jack.

Was Kevin here?

He looked around, the blur beginning to clear.

His head hurt.

“Kevin?” His brother was on the bed. And next to him… “Connor?”

“Yes! It’s us!” Kevin nodded rapidly, shifting his weight so that the bed dipped.

He groaned as his knee shifted. Why did his knee hurt?

“Are you okay?” Kevin was asking, but he sounded distant. He was saying things but it was getting increasingly lost in the void of noise.

“Kevin, breathe,” Connor was speaking. His voice was firm and reassuring. It made Whizzer feel safe. “Jack – Whizzer, do you want your pain meds?”

He had pain meds? Was he in the hospital?

Either way, he wanted the pain to go away, so he nodded.

A few minutes later and two pills were pressed into his hand with a cup of water.

He put them in his mouth.

See, baby? It’s not so bad.

Marvin shifted on the bed, running a hand down Whizzer’s leg.

Marv, please, I’m in a lot of pain right now.

That’s what the pills are for, baby.

Marvin!

Whizzer tried to shift him away, groaning as Marvin’s knee struck the massive bruise on his thigh.

He doubted it was an accident.

Whizzer, come on, don’t be difficult.

I’m not being difficult, Marv! The only reason I’m in pain right now is because of you!

He regretted it the moment the words left his lips.

Whizzer –

No, I’m sorry, you’re right, I shouldn’t have said that –

You know whose fault this was –

Yes, I know, I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have –

Say it. Tell me whose fault this was.

My fault. I – it was all my fault, Marvin, I’m sorry, you know I didn’t mean –

But you said it, didn’t you?

Funny how those same rules didn’t apply to Marvin.

Yes, I did, you’re right, I’m sorry.

Well? Aren’t you going to make it up to me?

Yes, of course, I will. But Marvin, can we do this tomorrow? I really am in a lot of pain tonight –

No. You’ll do it now, Whizzer. Maybe next time you’ll think before you open your stupid mouth.

You’re right, I’m sorry.

Marvin petted his hair. Whizzer tensed.

At least it’s not hard to tell who got the brains in this relationship.

Whizzer wanted to cry.

But he didn’t.

He turned around and he did what he was told.

----- CHAPTER BREAK -----

Whizzer faded in and out. The world around him seemed to move in one big blur of motion and sound – he could hear talking, every so often he could make out a few words, but mostly he slept.

Every part of his body ached – every breath made his chest feel like it was being crushed beneath the weight of the blankets, every movement made his knee feel like it was breaking in apart, his head constantly feeling like it was splitting in two.

Every so often two pills would be placed in his hand and coaxed to his lips.

He wasn’t sure what they were for, but the voices in his ear were so nice and so sweet…Like Marvin when he was guilty about something. When he was trying to make Whizzer stay.

Where was Marvin?

But as soon as the thought came, it was gone again, slipping into the swirling void in his head.

He was so tired.

Whizzer went back to sleep.
 
Whizzer found himself curling back into consciousness. He was awake, he knew that, but he couldn’t quite seem to summon the energy to open his eyes. So he simply sat and listened.

“– sure there’s nothing we can do?”

“I told you, Kev, we need him to do it –”

“But I mean – he’s clearly – there has to be – Connor, we could be talking about

brain damage.

”

Brain damage.

He’d been warned of that before after coming to the doctor with one too many head injuries.

Not exactly a lot in there to damage,

Marvin had teased when he’d returned home.

Marv, this is serious, we need to be more careful.

We?

I…

Whizzer relented.

I need to be more careful.

This wouldn’t have happened if you hadn’t been late, you know.

Whizzer kept his head down.,

I know.

And?

And I’m sorry.

Good.

Marvin wrapped his arms around Whizzer, who tensed.

You know they were just trying to scare you, right Whiz? It wasn’t even that bad.

Hadn’t it? The doctors had looked concerned. He’d been bleeding from his head. But…They had said that heal wounds often looked worse than they were…was he overreacting?

But he couldn’t quite shake the warnings they’d given him – stacked trauma. The more head injuries he got, the more likely they were to result in brain damage. Brain damage. The prospect was terrifying.

Marvin didn’t seem so concerned, though. Marvin would care, wouldn’t he? If it was serious? So it must just…not be.

Marvin wouldn’t care if he was lobotomized, he tried to remind himself.

Stop being dramatic.

The Marvin in his head reminded him.

Of course I would care. I love you.

Marvin loved him.

It must not be so bad.

But those words never left his head.

Brain damage.

He would have to be more careful.

Marvin, it seemed, had other plans.
 
“Hey, Whizzer, you with us?”

Whizzer blinked his eyes open. Someone – Kevin’s boyfriend – Connnor, was rubbing his back and talking to him.

“Hey,” He managed, his voice dry.

Connor grinned, “Kev! He’s lucid!”

Kevin came skidding into view.

“Whizzer!”

“Hey.” He smiled wearily at his brother. His body ached, his head was pounding, but he didn’t want to go back to sleep just yet.

“Do you think you’re up to eating something?”

“Not

making

something –” Connor added as Whizzer shifted in bed, “We have leftover food from last night.”

“Oh, uh, okay.”

Kevin and Connor looked very pleased with that answer, so it must have been the correct one.

“I’m going to run to the store,” Connor decided, grabbing his wallet, “You two need anything?”

They shook their heads and Connor took off.

They continued whispering as they retrieved some leftover falafel from the fridge and walked it over.

Brain damage.

“Hey, Kev, do you think you could run downstairs and ask for the Wifi password?”

“Oh, uh, yeah, of course.”

“I think we’re out of towels too.”

That one was just a guess.

Whether they were or not, Kevin seemed to get the message.

“Course, uh, I’ll be back in like…ten minutes?”

Whizzer nodded.

He followed Connor out the door.

Whizzer grunted as he shifted, reaching to the bedside table to pick up his phone.

Mom says you got hurt.

The first message was from Jason. So were the next ten.

Are you okay?

She says it wasn’t from Dad. Was she lying?

Whizzer, please respond.

Whizzer

I’m going to call you.

Pick up

Please pick up.

Whizzer!

Mom says you’re probably resting. Can you call me when you wake up?

Feel better.

Whizzer sighed, rubbing his head and shooting back a quick message.

I’m fine, bud. Just been sleeping a lot. I’ll call soon, okay?

It was a different number he dialed into the phone.

“Virtua Mount Hospital, if this is an emergency, please dial 911. Stay on the line and a receptionist will be with you shortly.”

His phone vibrated – he already knew who it was: Jason had responded.

Whizzer! Can you call?

Whizzer smiled, typing in:

On the phone. Will call you after.

Thanks, Whizzer! Are you feeling better?

Yes,

Whizzer lied,

Are you behaving for your mom and Mendel?

Jason was typing for much longer than usual.

Let me know when you can call.

Whizzer laughed. He’d thought as much.
 
“Virtua Mount Hospital, how can I help you?” The voice on the other side of the phone said.

“Hello, this is Whizzer Brown,” Whizzer said, fighting to keep his voice level. “I was admitted last week. I wanted to see if I could talk to a doctor about my CT scans. I…” He swallowed, “I think I might be…” He choked.

“Of course,” The woman said soothingly. “We’ll just have to verify your identity then we’ll see if we can get you in contact with one of the doctors.”

“Thank you.” Whizzer said quietly.

He never ended up calling Jason back.

The call ended, he shut his phone off, and he cried.

----- CHAPTER BREAK -----

Kevin loitered outside the hotel door. He’d heard Whizzer talking on the phone and he’d wanted to give him his privacy. But now he could hear crying and he wasn’t sure if that was the best option anymore.

He picked up the phone. Connor would know what to do.

Tears seemed to get caught in Whizzer’s throat and he began to cough. Hard.

Without a second thought, Kevin abandoned the phone and slid the key in, shoving the door open.

“Whizzer?”

He looked awful, pale and shaking, face wet and blotchy, coughing up a lung as Kevin raced around, trying to get him some water.

“It’s okay, you’re okay,” was all Kevin could whisper as he tried to press the cup to his brother’s lips.

By the time Whizzer had managed to regain control of himself, he seemed to be struggling to keep his eyes open, looking raw and vulnerable.

Kevin went to run a hand through his hair, but Whizzer froze, his eyes flying open, suddenly horribly awake, he choked out a whimper.

Kevin immediately let go.

“Whizzer? Heavenly – I’m sorry, I didn’t mean –”

He was breathing heavily, slumping down on the headboard, unable to hold himself up anymore.

“How about…how about this?” Kevin moved his hand back to Whizzer’s back, trying to rub soothing circles, “Is this okay? You can tell me to stop.”

Whizzer nodded, eyelids drooping again.

“Yeah…” he breathed, “Yeah, ‘s okay. ‘s nice.”

Kevin didn’t stop until Whizzer had long-fallen asleep.

Silently, he released him and plucked the phone from his hands and placed it on the table beside him.
 
Whizzer woke to soft circles being rubbed into his back.

The television was on low – he could hear it. It was playing…some trashy drama. Why would Marvin be – no, no Marvin. Marvin was gone.

Circles.

Kevin.

He considered opening his eyes.

But the circles were nice…he felt warm. Comfortable.

Safe?

The concept was stressful.

The circles suddenly stopped.

“Whizzer?”

Whizzer had to fight to keep his breath steady as fear jumped through his throat.

“What is it, is he okay?” Connor’s voice asked.

“I…no, yeah, I just…he got tense suddenly, I thought…”

“Hey, Whizzer,” Connor was closer now, he tapped the unbruised side of his face.

Not sure what else to do, Whizzer reacted.

“Whizzer? Are you all right?” Kevin asked worriedly when it was clear his brother was at least semi-conscious.

“Hi,” he mumbled into the pillows.

“How are you feeling?”

He groaned, trying to sit up.

“Whizzer!” Kevin pushed him back down, “I – why do you always do that?”

“I want to sit up.”

“Your ribs –“

“– they’re fine!”

He fought to hold back groans of pain as he managed to – much more successfully – prop himself up.

He sat back against the headboard, breathing out heavily.

Kevin didn’t look impressed with him, pale, sweaty, and pained.

“Yeahhhh, Whiz. You look great.”

A smile quirked its way onto Whizzer’s face.

“I always have prided myself on my appearance.”

They bantered back and forth a bit. It felt nice. Comfortable. Familiar.

They don’t know.

The Marvin in his head reminded him.

They don’t need to.

They’ll never treat you the same once they do.

Would they?

You’re disabled now.

Disabled isn’t a bad word, Marvin.

You’ll never be able to fix this.

It’s fine. I’m fine. Everything is fine.

You’re lying.

Shut up. Shut up. Shut up.

No one will ever love you like this.

Shut up. Shut up. Shut up.

Could I even love you?

“SHUT UP!”

Kevin and Connor jumped.

“Whizzer, are you –?”

“I’m going to the bathroom.”

Despite the pain, Whizzer hoisted himself out of bed and into the chair that Connor silently pulled up beside him.

“Do you –”

“No.”

He rolled his way into the bathroom and shut the door behind him.

He began to sob.

Come back,

The Marvin in his head begged.

Maybe I could still love you like this.

You hurt me, Marv.

I love you, Whizzer. Who else can say that?

Kevin can.

Can he?

Yes.

What happens when he knows?

He won’t.

You can’t hide this forever.

Marvin was right. Whizzer knew he couldn’t.

He took a deep breath.

He just needed to hide it a little longer.

Just like everything else, he would cross that bridge when he got there.

You’ll come crawling back to me. I know you will.

Yeah. Probably.

I miss you, Whiz.

I miss you too, Marvin.

Whizzer took a deep breath and left the bathroom.

“You okay?” Connor asked.

Whizzer laughed. It sounded mechanical and fake, even to his own ears.

“Yeah, fine. Just really had to go. I’m feeling a lot better, though.”

“Oh…uh, that’s good.”

“So, Tennessee,” He said cheerily, “I was thinking we could try to head off tomorrow – even if we only get a few miles before finding another hotel, I think it would be good to start making some progress.”

“Oh, uh…” Connor looked at Kevin.

“Are you sure…?”

“I’m actually feeling a lot better! Best to start moving while we’re ahead, right?”

“Yeah,” He relented, “I guess…”

“We can always stop in somewhere else for a while.”

“Yeah,” Kevin still looked apprehensive, but he seemed to be warming up to it. “Okay, yeah. But just a few miles…”

“I’ll keep you updated with how I’m feeling. No secrets from me, Kev.” He lied. “Promise.”

They’ll abandon you when they know.

They’ll never look at you the same.

They’ll never love you.

Fine. He could handle it. He owed Kevin that much, after all. He’d let them love him until they couldn’t anymore.

And then he’d leave.

Where will you go?

Not back to you.

It’s only a matter of time.

Yeah, probably.

----- CHAPTER BREAK -----

Whizzer was acting…weird.

Something dramatic had shifted since Kevin had found him sobbing in the room.

He just seemed…off.

Better,

he knew Whizzer would say, but Kevin wasn’t so sure. Something about this just felt…wrong.

He was acting pleasant. Agreeable. He didn’t fight, he didn’t complain, he didn’t argue.

Something was wrong and Kevin knew it.

“I was thinking we could do pizza for dinner.” He asked experimentally.

Whizzer, who was playing with the fraying edges of the duvet, looked up.

Something unidentifiable flickered in his eye. “Yeah, that’s fine.”

Easy. Agreeable. Kevin frowned.

“What kind do you want?”

“Whatever. I’m not picky.”

He narrowed his eyes. He may not know much about his brother, but he had a strong feeling that if there’s anything Whizzer was, it was picky.

“Is something up, Kev?”

“Maybe…”

Whizzer was clearly used to keeping a calm and cool demeanor under pressure, but Kevin could see a bead of sweat roll down the side of his head as his smile grew tense.

So he

was

hiding something.

Connor put a hand on his shoulder.

Kevin met his eyes.

Give him time,

they seemed to say.

It could be important!

Give him time.

Fine.

“I was thinking we’d leave around noon tomorrow,” Connor suggested casually, knowing Whizzer was more accepting of caution when it came from him. He and Kevin had discussed it while Whizzer had been sleeping and decided that it would give them plenty of time to figure out if the day was going to be a good one or if they needed to postpone.

It was subtle, but Kevin watched Whizzer’s jaw clench.

“Yeah, sure, that’s fine.”

“Is it?” He asked. Connor tugged his wrist warningly.

Whizzer shrugged. “We could leave earlier than that. Doesn’t matter to me.”

Call it brotherly instincts, but Kevin just knew. Something was wrong. Everything was wrong.

“You’re acting weird.”

“I’m fine.”

“You’re lying.”

He laughed. Charming asshole.

“You’re just paranoid, Kev.”

Yeah, maybe.

But then again, maybe not.
 
“Something’s wrong, Connor!”

“I know that!” Connor insisted, “But what are we gonna do, Kev? We can’t force him to talk to us – he’s –”

“An adult, yeah I know.”

“We can always postpone –”

“Another day if he’s not feeling well, I know.”

Connor raised an eyebrow.

“I need to relax, I know!”

At Connor’s continued look, Kevin sighed.

“I’m just –”

“Worried, I know.” Connor mocked.

Kevin rolled his eyes.

“Fine. I’ll try to chill out.”

“You’re allowed to be worried, Kev,” Connor promised, “Heavenly Father knows I am, but we’re overwhelming him. He needs to process this on his own. Us hovering is not going to help.”

“I know…I just…wish I knew how

to

help.”

“Stay with him.” Connor whispered, wrapping his arms around him, “That’s all we can do right now. Stay with him and love him.”

“Yeah.”

There was a beat where they just sat together in silence, holding each other against the tide.

“But what if we just waited one more day –”

“Go pick up the pizza, Kev.”
 
Whizzer had four more episodes at dinner. Despite the concern that was practically vibrating off his boyfriend, Connor did his best to remain calm.

Whizzer clearly was trying to play off each one, continuing the conversation (or an entirely different one) as if nothing had happened, which Connor was trying his very best to respect, if for no other reason than to counterbalance Kevin’s neurotic energy.

As the meal progressed, Whizzer began to take on a far more skeptical energy, eyeing the boys when he thought they weren’t looking as if to see if they were conspiring together.

About halfway through, Kevin’s phone vibrated. He looked down, frowning.

“Hey, Whiz, have you talked to Trina today?”

Whizzer glazed over. They waited patiently for him to return before repeating the question, after which Whizzer froze, anxiety written all over his face.

“N-no, why?”

“She just texted me.”

“Oh, uh…I forgot to text back Jason today, so that’s probably all it is.”

That was certainly…plausible.

“She says you declined her calls.”

Less forgotten and more intentional, it sounded.

“Oh, uh…my phone was off.”

That was obviously a lie, but after exchanging a look, Kevin and Connor decided not to call Whizzer out on it. Clearly he wanted privacy, and they would try their best to respect that.

Kevin looked at his phone again.

“She seems worried.”

Whizzer was silent.

Connor looked up.

His eyes were glazed and he was miles away.

“Tomorrow will be better,” He murmured to Kevin who was already out of his seat.

Kevin shook his head and didn’t respond.

Connor began to tidy up the kitchen.

They just had to keep waiting. Whizzer would get better. Trina had said he was tough – he would recover.

But what would happen if this didn’t get better?

Then they’d handle it. They would take care of it.

They would love him no matter what.

Now it was a matter of making him believe that.

----- CHAPTER BREAK -----

The next morning seemed…fine.

Whizzer woke up late, but seeing that he was healing (not to mention all the pain killers he was on) that wasn’t particularly concerning. He was up, moving, conscious, and lucid. What more could they ask for?

Kevin was watching him like a hawk, searching for any tiny excuse to stay for another day.

“Kevin, chill.” Connor warned.

Kevin and Connor both glanced over to Whizzer, expecting a teasing addition.

Whizzer was watching them, but said nothing.

“Whiz? You okay?”

Yep, and there he went.

“See!” Kevin jumped up, “We need –”

“Kevin,” Connor admonished, “Even with this, he’s better than he’s been in days.”

Kevin sighed. “Yeah…I know…I just…”

“You’re trying to protect him. I get it, Kev. Just…”

“I know.”

Whizzer’s phone rang.

Kevin and Connor both looked over.

They didn’t want to snoop. With everything going on, they wanted to respect as much of Whizzer’s privacy as they could.

After a moment, Connor moved to look – It wasn’t an invasion of privacy if they were just looking, right?

He frowned.

“Who is it?” Kevin asked.

“It’s Jason.”

“Oh…do you think…?”

Connor shrugged. “I think he’s probably just worried.” But something heavy was curling in his chest.

The ringing stopped.

And then it began again.

They didn’t answer.

It rang until it stopped.

Then it began again.

Connor laughed uncomfortably. “Kid’s persistent.”

Indeed it was.

The ringing stopped and began again.

Kevin and Connor exchanged a look.

“Who is it?” Whizzer called from his chair before clarifying, “who’s calling?”

It was the most lucid he’d been coming out of an episode in a while.

The small victories, he supposed.

“It’s Jason.” Kevin called back.

Whizzer looked almost…ashamed?

“I promised I’d call him,” He admitted, “And I…didn’t.”

Connor felt the worry inside him uncoil slightly. Jason was fine, he was probably just worried.

“Do you want…?”

Whizzer sighed, clearly steeling himself for what would be a hard conversation.

“Yeah, toss it here.”

Kevin walked it over as it continued to ring.

Whizzer punched ‘accept’ and held it up to his ear.

“Hey, Jace, sorry it took me so long to call you back, I was –“

He suddenly froze, all the color draining from his face.
 
“Whizzer?”

Whizzer froze. He felt his stomach drop and his heart stop. Nausea crept its way up his throat as the voice curled into his ear.

“Whizzer, is that you?”

Hang up hang up hang up hang up.

“I – Marvin?”

“Yeah, baby it’s me.”

Kevin and Connor both looked horrified.

Hang up hang up hang up hang up.

“M-Marvin, I really – I –”

“I know you’re sorry, baby,” Marvin soothed, “I’m sorry too. I shouldn’t have gotten so angry. I’ve been trying to call you for days, but…”

“My phone’s been off!” Whizzer lied immediately – G-d, if Marvin found out he’d blocked his number –

“You say that, sweetheart, but was I forced to take my son’s phone for you to pick up?”

“I –”

“You’ve been talking to him quite a bit lately.”

“I didn’t mean – Marv, I –”

“I’m not mad, baby,” Marvin promised, and fuck, his voice was just so gentle and sweet – if they were together right now, he’d be wrapping Whizzer in his arms, whispering in his ear…

“I’m sorry, I’m so sorry, Marv –”

“You say that, baby, but I haven’t seen you since that night.” His voice hardened. “You’re not sleeping around again, are you? Whizzer, that’s –”

“No!” Whizzer insisted, panic constricting his chest so hard it was getting difficult to breathe, “No, Marv, I wouldn’t cheat on you, you know that, I – I just wanted you to have the space – you needed space –”

“But I don’t anymore.”

Whizzer swallowed.

“I…I can’t –”

“Can’t?” Marvin’s voice lowered, the way it did when there was only one right answer. “Can’t? Or won’t?” The warning before…

“Can’t –” Whizzer blurted, “I promise, Marv, I love –”

“If you loved me, you’d come home.”

“I –”

“Where are you, Whiz?” His voice turned gentle again, “I’ll come pick you up. We can get lunch – I already called off of work. We’ll spend the day together, Whiz.”

He already called off work. He’d be so mad if Whizzer made him call off for no reason. Fuck, he would be really mad.

“I –”

It was then that Kevin moved, storming over, eyes like a hurricane.

He snatched the phone from Whizzer’s shaking fingers and held it up to his ear.

“Whizzer’s not going anywhere near you ever again. Fuck off and leave him alone.”

“Excuse me?”

Whizzer could hear Marvin’s voice through the phone. Oh, fuck he was mad. Kevin was in danger, Kevin was – he was – he –

Suddenly Marvin’s hands were back around his throat and he couldn’t breathe – sinking to his knees – kicking and flailing with all his might.

You’re so beautiful when you’re on your knees, Whizzer.

He wanted to plead or beg, but he couldn’t. Never in his life had he felt so helpless. His silver tongue – that was always how he managed to get out of things – he could always beg, negotiate,

anything.

But he couldn't do that. All he could do was grab at the strong hands wrapped around his neck as the panic wracked his frame.

I can’t breathe I can’t breathe I can’t breathe

But no sound came out.

Marvin’s hands only clenched harder as his muscles fought to contract and expand.

He couldn’t breathe  – he was going to die – he was going to

die

– fuck – what was he – he was – wh –

Everything blurred.

He couldn’t breathe.

He was going to die.

But maybe…maybe that wasn’t so bad.

Maybe this was okay.

Maybe this was

good.

Hands were suddenly on him, touching him, moving him –

Rubbing circles on his back.

Soft, gentle circles.

“With me…” A voice was saying, “In, and out. Breathe.”

“I – I can’t – I –”

He was going to die.

Fuck, fuck – Marvin – where – he was – what did –

“You can, Jack…”

Jack.

Kevin.

Where was Kevin?

He couldn’t breathe.

Why couldn’t he breathe?

“You’re all right. You’re okay.”

The voice was warm.

Circles. He could feel circles on his back.

His breathing slowed.

Breathing.

He could breathe.

Fuck – he could breathe.

He was okay.

He was alive.

“Kevin?”

“I’m right here.”

His vision came into focus.

Kevin was plastered to his side, one hand rubbing his back, the other hand holding Whizzer’s, rubbing his knuckles tenderly.

He was okay.

Kevin was here. That meant things were okay.

Marvin. Where was Marvin?

He looked back to his phone lying on the table.

It was probably off.

He looked back at Kevin, Connor over his shoulder.

“I want to leave.”

“Whizzer, I –”

He shook his head. “Marv knows – he’s – he’ll find – We need to go.”

“But –”

Connor grabbed Kevin’s arm. They shared an intense look.

After a moment, they turned back.

“We’ll go.” Connor promised. “We just need to pack up.”

Whizzer nodded. Yeah. Okay. That was okay.

They’d be gone.

Tennessee.

Marvin would never find him there. Right?

Better than Jersey.

Kevin helped him off the floor back into his chair.

G-d, was he exhausted.

“Just close your eyes,” Kevin whispered, continuing with the circles. “We'll handle it. You're safe now."

Safe.

He felt safe.

Whizzer allowed his eyes to close and tried not to dream of Marvin.

----- CHAPTER BREAK -----

Whizzer was in and out as they packed and checked out of the hotel. The panic attack seemed to have taken a lot out of him.

“It’s probably for the best,” Connor commented as he and Kevin buckled themselves into the car.

“Yeah…” Kevin murmured. “Yeah, probably.”

Connor glanced back to where Whizzer was dozing.

He looked sick.

They began to drive.

Whizzer remained asleep and seemingly comfortable, so they kept going.

Two hours in, and Kevin got a call.

He looked at who it was and picked up immediately, putting it on speaker for Connor to hear.

“Trina?”

“Kevin! Oh goodness, is Whizzer there?”

“Uh…he’s sleeping, but yeah, why?”

“Marvin’s got Jason’s phone –”

“Yeah, we know.” Connor said tiredly.

“You…Oh my God, what did he do?”

“What do you think?”

“Oh my – Kevin –”

“It’s fine, we blocked Jason’s number, we’re on our way to Tennessee now –”

“Is Whizzer okay?”

Kevin and Connor exchanged a look.

“He’s…okay.” Connor admitted, “I think it took a lot out of him.”

Trina sighed heavily through the phone, “What did he say?”

“I don’t know,” Kevin admitted, “We couldn’t hear.”

Trina didn’t talk for much longer than that, prodding for a few details and begging them to keep her updated before hanging up.

“See, even

she’s

hovering.”

Both Connor and Kevin both jumped as Whizzer complained from the back seat.

“Whizzer!”

“Are you all right?”

Whizzer laughed, but he looked pale and wasn’t opening his eyes, one hand wrapped around his ribs.

He swallowed convulsively, “How long have we…?”

“Two hours,” Kevin said as Connor flicked the blinker to take the next exit. “We were just talking about finding a hotel and taking a break.”

They hadn’t and it was barely past noon, but Connor didn’t argue.

Neither did Whizzer, which was somewhat concerning.

In fact, he was looking rather nauseous, eyes closed and holding a little lower than his ribs.

“Whizzer?” Kevin called.

“Hmm?” He didn’t open his mouth.

“Are you…?”

“Fine.” He said sharply. “Just…go.”

It took them about five minutes to find the nearest hotel and pull in. By the time they were in park, Whizzer was already halfway out the door – Kevin and Connor ran out, only to find him vomiting onto pavement.

“Woah –”

“Maybe not so okay, then.”

“Whizzer, you okay?”

He nodded, coughing, but looking lucid and aware.

“Sorry, sorry,” He muttered, groaning around his knee, which seemed to have struck the ground in its fall.

“Kevin,” Connor said, his voice level and calm – and Heavenly Father, how did he always react so calmly – “Get his chair. We’ll come back down for our things. Let’s get him inside.”

Kevin nodded, doing as he was told. Whizzer seemed to have some strength in him, helping Kevin lift him back into the chair.

“Can’t catch a fucking break,” Whizzer grumbled as he settled back into his chair.

“Was it the pain?” Connor asked, sounding worried.

Kevin felt his heart rate quicken – if Whizzer was in so much pain that he was throwing up –

“No, no.” Whizzer promised, grimacing as he clutched at his knee, “Well, now, yes – but before…No. I was just…carsick.” He said the word quietly, almost like he was ashamed. But Kevin felt his anxiety melt into…well, a lower level of anxiety.

“Oh, sorry, we didn’t know you got carsick,” Connor said – and now that he was thinking about it, it did seem odd this never came up before.

“I d–” Whizzer hesitated, swallowing, “Yeah…uh. Sorry.”

Kevin’s brother-senses were going off again. Something was wrong.
 
Something was wrong.

Never in his life had Whizzer ever gotten car-sick.

Yet for some reason, all the movement of the vehicle made him violently nauseous. It was better when he closed his eyes, but even still…

He wondered if that was another…symptom.

The doctor had wanted to schedule an appointment to talk about the potential…long-term effects of his head injury.

He’d told them maybe.

And then Marvin called.

You can’t ignore this forever.

The Marvin in his head reminded him.

Fucking watch me.

You saw their faces. They already know something’s wrong. It’s only a matter of time.

I’m fine. I’m fine. I’m fine.

You’re lying to yourself.

I’m fine. I’m fine. I’m fine.

You’re lying to them.

I’m fine. I’m fine. I’m fine.

“Whizzer?”

Whizzer blinked. He was in a hotel room – a different one from before.

It took him a moment for all the pieces to click together.

By the time they did, he was already being helped onto one of the beds.

He stared up at the ceiling as Kevin and Connor bustled around, going back for bags, handing him his meds, discussing what they’d get for dinner.

Was this just his life now?

He just felt so…helpless.

He knew he would get better – his ribs and knee would heal. But he would never be the same. Was he even Whizzer anymore?

You could be Whizzer if you just came home.

No, I could pretend to be Whizzer.

What’s the difference?

Was there a difference?

Yes, he wanted to say, there is. But was there?

Heavenly Father, the last thing he needed was an identity crisis on top of –

Hold on, why was he calling him Heavenly Father? Maybe he’d just been spending too much time with Kevin.

Who was Whizzer?

“Jack?”

Jack – Whizzer – Fuck! – looked up.

“I was asking if you wanted to do pizza again.” Connor was asking warily.

“Yes! Definitely!” Maybe if he was enthusiastic, no one would notice that he was irreparably damaged.

It seemed to work, as – while they did seem a little weirded out – Kevin and Connor accepted his enthusiasm gratefully.

I’m fine. I’m fine. I’m fine.

Whizzer wasn’t fine, and no amount of pretending was going to fix that.

That didn’t mean he wouldn’t try, though.

----- CHAPTER BREAK -----

Kevin was watching his brother squint at the clock on the wall.

The clock that was not very far and he shouldn’t have any trouble seeing.

“Hey, Whizzer, do you need glasses?”

Whizzer jumped, clearly having not noticed being observed.

“I – no – why would you…?”

“Oh, you’re just…squinting at the clock there.”

“Yeah? It’s far away.”

“No it’s not.”

“Yes, it

is

.”

“No, it’s really not!”

“Connor!” Whizzer called, “Your boyfriend’s being paranoid again!”

After a shuffle, Connor stepped out of the bathroom, “Kevin…” He said warningly.

“I’m not being paranoid!” Kevin insisted, “Connor – agree with me, that clock isn’t very far, is it?”

Connor looked confused. “I mean…not really?”

“So he should have no problem seeing it, right?”

“No, why?” He looked at Whizzer, who was frozen. “Whizzer, can you not see the clock?”

“Yes, of course I can see it.”

“He just said he couldn’t,” Kevin insisted.

“I never said I couldn’t!

You

said I couldn’t!”

“You were squinting!”

“I have a headache!”

Kevin’s whole body relaxed, he moved over, his voice softened, “Whiz, you gotta tell me these things –”

And…he was gone.

“Can he take his meds again?” Connor asked.

“He still has another hour.”

Connor nodded and put the medication down again.

“That was weird, though, right?” Kevin asked.

Connor shrugged. “He might just have a headache.”

“Yeah…” Kevin wasn’t so sure.
 
Whizzer couldn’t see the hands on the clock.

It’s just too far away, he tried to tell himself.

Kevin thought he needed glasses.

He’d had 20/20 vision his whole life, why would he need glasses now?

Maybe he was getting old.

Kevin doesn’t need glasses.

Shut up, Marvin.

Kevin isn’t broken.

I’m not broken. I’m fine. I’m normal. I’m healing.

You’re lying.

So he told Kevin he was fine. He said he had a headache.

That part was true, but it didn’t explain why he couldn't see the clock.

You’re broken, you’re broken, you’re broken.

SHUT UP.

He hadn’t picked up his phone since the call with Marvin. He wasn’t even sure where it was.

He wasn’t even sure if he cared.

Jason will be mad. Kevin blocked his number. He’ll hate you.

I’m not talking to you, Marvin.

Maybe not, but you are listening.

“Hey, Kevin? Can I have my phone? I want to call Jason.”

Kevin looked up from the laptop that he’d been sitting at, at the one desk in the hotel room. He frowned, looking concerned.

“Uh…Whizzer, do you think we should check with Trina to make sure Jason has his phone back before –”

“Yeah, that’s – that’s what I meant.” He rubbed his forehead. “I just – I want to call Trina so I can talk to Jason. Just give me my phone back.”

Kevin exchanged a look with Connor.

Connor walked over to one of the bags and retrieved the phone, placing it in Whizzer’s hand.

“Do you want us to…?” He awkwardly edged towards the door.

“Uh…yeah. If you don’t mind…”

Kevin and Connor left.

Whizzer stared down at the phone.

Silently, he unblocked Jason’s number.

Hundreds of messages immediately rolled in.

Whizzer turned off the phone and stared at the ceiling.

Fuck.

It’s because you deserve it,

the Marvin in his head reminded him,

You know you deserve it.

No. I don’t. I didn’t do anything wrong.

Didn’t you? You left me.

You hurt me.
I wouldn’t have had to if you’d just done what you were told. You know this is your fault, Whiz, don’t you? Yeah…yeah, I know.
Whizzer turned the phone back on.

He read every single message.

And then he cried.
 
Jason was at school.

It was a fact that shook him more than he ever thought it should.

It was just the mundanity of it all, he supposed.

In a matter of days his entire life had been flipped upside down and irreparably changed forever, and the rest of the world just…moved on. Jason went back to school. Mendel was at work.

“He has baseball practice today, so he’ll be home by five.”

“Oh…uh, thanks, Trin –”

“But how are you feeling?”

“Fine. I’m fine.”

“Kevin said you got car sick.”

“I’m fine, Trina.”

“You’ve never been car sick before, what’s going on?”

“Trina, just drop it –”

“We’re worried about you –”

“I know!”

He shouted, “I get it, Trina! You’re worried! Kev’s worried! Everyone’s worried!”

“Yes, we are.”

“Well…stop. I’m fine, okay?”

Trina seemed to disagree. So did Kevin and Connor when they came back in and he immediately insisted they make some more progress driving.

“I feel fine now!”

“Whizzer, you’re shaking.”

So, maybe he was. Maybe his head was aching and his knee felt like there was a spike being driven through it and his ribs made him want to scream every time he moved, but they would have to go sooner or later, and he’d rather it be sooner.

“Whiz, we already paid for the night,” Connor said rationally, “We’ll stay the night and see how you feel tomorrow.”

“I want to leave in the morning.”

Kevin and Connor exchanged a look.

“We’ll see how you’re feeling.”

“You look exhausted, Whiz –”

You look exhausted, Whiz.

I

am

exhausted, Marv.

I know what would help with that.

I know what you

think

would help with that.

The hell is that supposed to mean?

Nothing.

It didn’t sound like nothing.

Marvin stood so that he could tower over Whizzer, who was still sitting on the bed.

It sounded like someone who is ungrateful for what he has – for

everything

he has. You’re not ungrateful, are you Whizzer?

No. Of course not.

Then I guess you know what you should be doing.

Marv – come on, MARVIN!

Whizzer tried to combat Marvin’s wandering hands.

Jason’s home! You said –

I

said

I didn’t want him to hear.

His fingers crept up towards Whizzer’s neck. Whizzer froze.

So you’ll just have to be quiet, won’t you?

Jason wouldn’t look them in the eyes that morning.

Whizzer couldn’t blame him. He could barely avoid doing the same. But Marvin liked his eyes. And so he kept them open and a scarf around his neck despite the warm summer day.

----- CHAPTER BREAK -----

Jason called at five o’clock on the dot.“Sorry it took me so long, Whizzer! Mom didn’t tell me you called until the ride home from practice! I totally would’ve skipped practice –”“Don’t skip practice for me, kid.” Whizzer laughed, “Now, tell me. How’s the team?”“They’re okay.”“Just okay?“They’re fine,” Jason determined. “I mean, we all suck, but –”“Don’t say that, I’m sure you’re learning. What about the coach?”“He’s terrible –”It felt like the only time Whizzer could relax is when he was listening to Jason talk. Sure, he prodded and asked a lot of questions, but he was easily distracted and all too happy to talk about his day and his team.“Our first game is this Sunday,” Jason said excitedly, “Can you come?”“Uh, kid, I’d love to, but…”“Mom said Dad won’t be there,” Jason promised, “after he hit her, he’s not allowed to see me until they go to court next week –”“Jace, I’m really sorry, but I can’t.”“Oh…” G-(o)-d(?), the kid sounded heartbroken. “Uh, are you sure? I bet Mom could give you a ride –”“I’m in Tennessee – well, on my way.”There was a beat of silence as Jason seemed to process this.“Oh. Why?”“My – my brother is staying there – and I’m staying with him…”“When will you be back?”Fuck, how was he supposed to explain to Jason that there was a not-zero chance that in a month he’d be halfway across the planet in a remote village – and from what Connor had told him – with minimal cell service?“Rosh Hashanah,” he admitted, “Your mom said I could stay a few days.”“Only for a few days?”“Yeah, kid. Sorry.”“And then you’ll go back to Tennassee?”“I don’t know, kid.”“Will you visit?”Would he?“Of course, Jace.” “How often do you get back to the US?” Whizzer asked Kevin and Connor that evening over dinner.“From Uganda? We’re hoping to get back in two years.” Kevin said apologetically. “But, uh, we can try and come back sooner –”“Two years?”Two years was a long time…What would Jason think?
He’ll hate you.
No, he won’t, Marvin.
You’re abandoning him.
How was he supposed to argue with that? He was abandoning him – right when the kid needed him the most, too.
Makes you wonder who’s really the bad guy here.
It’s you.
Is it?
Kevin and Connor think so. You’re tricking them, Marvin whispered in his ear, You know you’re exaggerating the truth. You’re manipulating them. And once they find out the truth, they’ll see you for exactly what you are. I – I’m not tricking them.
Aren’t you?
You hurt me. You let me. You wanted it. No, I didn’t, no, I didn’t, no I didn’t.“Whizzer?”
If you didn’t want it, you would have behaved.
“Whizzer!”I tried!
“Whizzer!”

Well clearly not hard enough.
“Jack!”Jack blinked.He’d dropped his fork and was now holding his hand, stiff and unmoving in midair. Kevin and Connor were half-finished with dinner, watching him carefully – Kevin with fear, Connor with sadness.“Yes?”“You all right?”“Yeah, fine. I, uh, I’m not hungry anymore.”Kevin eyed his half-eaten salad warily.“Are you sure?”“Yeah, I’m – I need a walk.”“Whizzer…”“Yeah?”“You can’t walk.”He felt a hot frustration burning in his chest.“Fine – I’ll – I’m going to bed, then I – fuck.”His head hurt.“Whiz – Whizzer, come on,” Connor stood, grabbing the handle of the chair, “Let’s go take a walk.” “Does Whizzer hate me?”Kevin was pacing anxiously around the room. Connor and Whizzer had returned after an hour, that latter of which returned half-conscious and was quickly tucked into bed.Connor wrapped his arms around Kevin’s waist, “Whizzer doesn’t hate you, babe.”“He never wants to spend time with me.”“He does,” Connor promised, “He’s just overwhelmed.”“Do I overwhelm him?”“He’s been through a lot, babe. You said it yourself – he hasn’t had an actual family in a very long time. He’s still trying to figure things out.”“I know, I know…I just wish…”“Give him time, babe.”“I know.”Kevin walked over to where Whizzer was laying in bed, sweat beaded across his creased brow, he whimpered quietly.He moved to run a hand through his hair before suddenly freezing, lowering his palm, instead landing on his shoulder, rubbing it gently, trying not to wake him, but perhaps offer some level of grounding soothing.Whizzer mumbled, rolling towards Kevin slightly, until his head was resting comfortably on Kevin’s leg.“Uh…” He looked over at Connor, mildly panicked, mouthing, ‘What do I do?’ Connor was forced to stifle his laughter, shrugging innocently, putting his hands up as if to say, what do you want me to do?
‘Help!’
“You wanted him to spend more time with you.” Connor whispered.“This isn’t funny! What do I do?” Kevin hissed back.Connor tossed a pillow at him.“Night, Kev.”“Connor!”Kevin looked down and settled his back against the headboard.Well…maybe this wasn’t so bad… Whizzer’s cheek was resting against something comfortable. Living. Safe?Marvin?Where was he?Hotel. Kevin and Connor. They were going to Tennessee.That meant he was resting against…He cracked an eye open. Connor was asleep across the room. Meaning…Whizzer closed his eyes.Safe.He was safe.Whizzer drifted back to sleep.

----- CHAPTER BREAK -----

They spent two more days in the hotel.Naturally, Whizzer tried to insist that he was ready to go by morning, but by half past ten, it was evident that he was not as he glazed in and out and his knee seemed to be bothering him more than ever. So they spent a few more days before finally agreeing on another drive.They barely made it twenty minutes before Whizzer needed them to pull over so he could dry heave on the side of the road.“Connor, can you look up the nearest hotel?” Kevin called as he rubbed his brother’s back, trying to support his waist so he wouldn’t have to put weight on his knee.“No – no ‘m fine…” Whizzer spat on the ground. “Keep goin’…”“Nope, let’s go find a hotel, bud.”“No!” Whizzer turned, grabbing competitively at Kevin’s arm, “‘m tired. ‘ll sleep.”Connor got to his other side and together, he and Kevin heaved Whizzer up – he groaned as they jostled his ribs, but they managed to get him back in the car.“Meds?” He mumbled.“Thirty more minutes.” Kevin said, joining him in the back seat as Connor got behind the wheel.“Doesn’ fuckin’ matter. Hurts now.”“Thirty more minutes.” Kevin promised.Whizzer groaned.“Goin’ t’ sleep. Keep driving.”He was out like a light.Kevin and Connor exchanged a look.“Well,” Connor said, “You heard him.”“Connor, you can’t honestly think —”“He’s asleep, Kev. We’ll find somewhere when he wakes up. For now, he’s right. We need to make some progress.”So off they kept moving, Kevin doing everything he could to make sure his brother was as comfortable as he could be.“I called Trina yesterday,” Kevin admitted quietly.“Oh, how is she?”“Fine…worried, obviously, but…”Connor’s voice turned serious. “What did she say?”“I mentioned how Whizzer’s been car sick, and…she said he’d never been before.”“Oh.”“Yeah, and…I mean, it could be nothing, but…”“Did you convince him to call the hospital?”Kevin shook his head, “He didn’t want to talk about it.”Connor frowned deeply.“Then there’s the whole glasses thing.”“It’s not just the clock he’s been squinting at,” Kevin added, “Any writing – He made the text really big on his phone.”“He might just need glasses, Kev.”“Yeah…”“Yeah…” Something was wrong and Kevin wasn’t the only one who could feel it. Everything felt murky and uneven, like the world was somehow off its axis.His head pounded and his body ached – it felt as though knives had settled in his chest, ripping into his flesh with every movement.“Shhh, it’s okay, you’re okay…” He could hear someone talking to him, rubbing his shoulders, laying his head gently on their lap.Pain ripped through his abdomen and he groaned.“…minutes…” someone was saying, “…fine?”There was shuffling and movement before pills were pressed into his hand. It took him a moment to connect the pieces, even longer for the coordination to bring them to his mouth, and by the time his arm was in midair, the pills were scooped out and brought to his lips.He swallowed obediently.“…drink…”He felt a cool rush of water and nearly choked, but managed to drink some.Everything hurt.Where was Marvin?He wanted his brother.“It’s okay,” a voice whispered in his ear, “Go back to sleep. We’ll be home soon.”  Go back to sleep, we’ll be home soon. Marvin promised.They’d been at a bar. Whizzer had gone to the bathroom. He’d left his drink with Marvin.He’d been roofied.It wasn’t the first time, but that still didn’t mean it was pleasant.Everything passed in a blur, though he remembered bits and pieces – Marvin carrying him up the stairs, laying him down in bed, then…Oh.
– No, you’re not appreciating everything I do for you!

You let me get roofied, Marvin!

Maybe you should have watched your own drink, then!

I was! You were supposed to be watching it when I went to the bathroom!

How was I supposed to know – Christ, you’re such a woman!
Fuck –  Whizzer clutched his head, his stomach rolling violently. I’m going to lie down.
You’ve been lying down all morning!

Because I got fucking roofied!
I know, baby, Marvin’s voice got calm and warm, I just worry. This is why I don’t like you going out on your own. What would’ve happened if I hadn’t been there to take you home? Whizzer’s head was pounding so hard, it was difficult to argue. He was right – if Marvin hadn’t been there…Hands wrapped around his waist.
Come on, baby. Let’s go back to bed.
 Kevin and Connor rolled Whizzer into the motel. He was half-conscious now, lost in wherever it was that he went when he glazed over.“Only ten more hours,” Connor sighed once they’d got Whizzer into bed. “At this rate it’ll take us a week and a half to get to Tennessee, and by that time…”“I know, I know.”“So what do you want to do?“I could stay back with Whizzer for a while and you guys could head to Uganda –”“That’s not happening,” Connor promised. “We’re not going without you.”“I mean, Arnold –”“Would rather die.”Yeah…that was probably true.“He wants to come with us, you know.”Kevin froze.“To Uganda.” Connor elaborated.“But – but, he can’t.”“Why not!”“Connor!” Kevin gestured frantically at his brother, “Look at him!”Connor shook his head, sitting down on the opposite bed.“How can you even suggest that right now?” Kevin went on.“We’re going to have to figure it out eventually,” Connor pointed out.Kevin rested his head in his hands, wishing he knew what to do.“He’ll be okay.” Connor murmured as he held him.He’ll be okay.Right?Everything will be all right.

----- CHAPTER BREAK -----

They made more progress in the next few days.Whizzer made sure of that.They quickly found that so long as Whizzer was asleep, the car sickness was a non-issue. Naturally, they found themselves developing an inverse sleep schedule, leaving Whizzer up all hours of the night overthinking.Connor seemed pleased with the progress, but Kevin was a neurotic mess as always, begging to pull over at every sign of his brother’s consciousness. Yet, even so, in three days they managed seven hours. Three more to go, Marvin reminded him as he stared at the ceiling of the hotel room. Then he’ll be with his friends and he won’t care about you. He’ll still care.
He’ll get bored.
He won’t.
He knows.
He doesn’t.
You’re broken.
I know.
He’ll hate you.
Stop it! Stop saying that! Shut up, Marvin!For a moment, there was nothing.
You wish.
“Whizzer?”He blinked, coming back to himself.He was laying in bed, leg elevated in hopes of taking down some of the swelling and pain. The position made his ribs ache, but he didn’t want to bother them about it –
They’ll get mad. They’ll yell at you. 
Shut up, Marvin.I’m only trying to protect you, baby. You know that, right? I know.
I love you, baby.
I love you too.“I was wondering if you’d thought more about calling the doctor.” He startled, reigniting the pain in his head that had lessened to a dull throb. His brain felt foggy and it took him a moment to realize who was talking to him.“Kev?”“Not quite. Connor.”“Oh, uh…” He squinted, though it was hard to concentrate through all the pain. “Hi.”“The doctor,” Connor said patiently –
He’s not being patient. He’s frustrated, he’s angry, he hates you.
“I…uh…sorry, what about a doctor?”
You’re wrong. He knows it. He wants to send you away.
It was really hard to think through Marvin’s voice.“I wanted to know if you’ve talked to the doctor about your knee,” Connor was saying, “I don’t think it’s healing right.”
He knows.
No, he doesn’t. He’s not even talking about my head.
He knows, he knows, he knows.
“I…uh…no…I haven’t, uh…”Christ, it was so hard to think through this fucking fog.
Broken. Defective. Unwanted.
Fucking shut up, Marvin!
They know, they know, they know.
They don’t – they fucking – FUCK!“Hey, hey, hey, it’s okay,” Connor was saying softly, leaning over and rubbing his arm, “Deep breaths.”Something wet slid down his cheek.Was he…crying?“Fuck – ’m sorry, I didn’t…I don’t why…”“It’s okay,”“No, I – I shouldn’t – I’m sorry, I –”It was like his brain had been through a word jumble – he knew what he wanted to say, they just wouldn’t…he couldn’t quite manage…where – no, what…?He closed his eyes. It hurt to think.“You’re okay. It’s okay.”Whizzer closed his eyes and wondered who was speaking. “He’s getting worse.”“He’s been traveling. He just needs more rest.”“Connor –!”“You don’t think I’m worried too?” Connor demanded, trying to keep his voice down, “Fuck, I’m terrified! But…” He rubbed his forehead, “Kev, I don’t want to leave him.”“Yeah…” Kevin dropped down onto the bed, head in his hands. “Me neither.”“So what do we do?”“I don’t know.”“You’re right. We could postpone the trip. Everyone would understand.”Connor sat beside him. Kevin wrapped his arm around his and placed his head on his boyfriend’s shoulder. “Let’s see how he feels when we get to Arnold’s.”“Everything will be all right.” Connor promised.Everything will be all right. “I can do it –  I can do it, Kevin.” Kevin stepped back as his brother worked to unload himself from the car. It wasn’t easy – pain seemed to color his every movement and his arms were shaking as they tried to support his weight. He wasn’t ready for this. But since when was Whizzer ever willing to accept that?They’d spent another two days at the hotel while Whizzer gathered his strength. Kevin kept trying to remind himself that he’d be okay – that it was likely just all the travel and he’d get better once they were at Arnolds. But here they were, having just barely managed the last leg of the trip, and Whizzer wasn’t looking well at all – yes, some of that could be chalked up to the drive – he was pale and shaking, his injuries clearly bothering him, he definitely needed something to eat after dry heaving on the side of the road a half dozen times. But he insisted they went forth. No, something else was wrong. Dare he say, something much worse than the physical – which was a terrifying statement.No, something else was wrong with Whizzer and Kevin would bet everything he had that it had something to do with Marvin. There had been no exaggeration when he’d brought up Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder with Trina. Whizzer was jumpy, always on edge, he watched everyone as if suspicious they knew something he didn’t. Every movement was colored with fear. Since noticing with Trina, he began to catch Whizzer more and more often pretending to sleep. He was good at it – Heavenly Father was he good at it. But he could always tell as he and Connor would accidentally throw out a word – dinner, chess, Marvin. Whizzer’s whole body would tense unnaturally – it was the same when anyone tried to touch his hair. There had been another instance where Kevin had tried to shift him and his hand had landed on Whizzer’s waist. That one hadn’t been pretty, either.Yes, something was definitely wrong with his brother. And Kevin wasn’t sure he could fix it.So he let Whizzer struggle by himself into his wheelchair.“It’s been almost two weeks,” Kevin whispered to his boyfriend as they anxiously watched him. “Didn’t the doctors say his ribs should be better by now?”Connor shrugged, staring out at Whizzer. “He hasn’t exactly been the most careful, Kev.”“Yeah…”“Kevin! Connor!”There was no mistaking that shriek of excitement.Arnold Cunningham came bursting out of the house, sprinting down the steps, followed closely and almost as enthusiastically by Nabulungi.“Arnold!”Kevin allowed himself to be crushed in Arnolds firm grip as he pulled him into a hug. Connor was next, and then much to Kevin’s horror, he went for Whizzer.“Hi! I’m Kevin’s best friend, Arnold! You must be –”“No, no, no, no, no, no, no,” Kevin hurried to stand in front of Arnold, intercepting him so he wouldn’t assault his little brother, “Whizzer’s not…not really a hugger.”Whizzer looked up, “When’d I say that?”He had a slight slur to his voice, sweat was gathered on his brow and his forehead was creased. His body was tense. He was in pain.Kevin looked between Whizzer and a tentative, but very hopeful Arnold.Connor placed a hand on his shoulder.He suddenly recalled one of the women in Uganda, she’d just had a child and her husband was upset that she wouldn’t let him hold it. He wondered if this was how she had felt, everyone in the room urging her to hand the child off to a man she loved dearly, but…was so afraid would hurt it. Whizzer’s not a baby, he knew Connor would remind him if he could hear him right now.Reluctantly, he stepped out of the way. “I – Arnold, I just…just be careful, all right?”Arnold saluted dutifully and moved closer to Whizzer.“Hi! I’m –”“Kevin’s best friend, Arnold,” Whizzer recalled.Arnold could only beam. While he did move in for a hug, it was clearly done with much care, barely putting any pressure at all on Whizzer, who didn’t complain, nor move to hug back any harder.“I’m Nabulungi,” Nabulungi introduced herself, “Arnold’s girlfriend.”“I – uh, Whizzer,” Whizzer said, the words coming out clunky and awkward, as if he hadn’t been entirely sure what he wanted to say.“Good to meet you, Whizzer.” She said gleefully.“Do you like swimming?” Arnold asked excitedly, “My uncle has a pool –”“I…uh…not right now, Arnold,” Kevin quickly cut in when Whizzer didn’t seem to come up with a response. “We’ve had a long trip – you said you cleared a room for us?”“Yes!” He enthusiastically began leading them inside, the whole excitedly explaining everything he and Nabulungi had done since getting there.The steps made things difficult, and by the time they’d managed to get Whizzer up them, he was already looking pale and sickly, his eyelids fluttering as he tried to stay conscious and at least semi-aware.“What happened to him?” Nabulungi whispered as they took him inside.Kevin sighed. “A lot.”

----- CHAPTER BREAK -----

Whizzer didn’t leave the room for the next few days.The first day and a half was bad. Really bad.Kevin stayed with him almost the entire time, locking the door and only allowing Connor to enter.“Come on, Kevin, I want to meet your brother!” Arnold had begged.Kevin dismissed him, promising he’d get to see him soon.“He won’t want Arnold to meet him like this,” He murmured to Connor as they turned a very disappointed Arnold away.Connor couldn’t exactly argue with that. He hadn’t been conscious for much of these days, but when he was, Connor almost wished that he wasn’t.He just seemed…lost. Confused. He would call out for Marvin, but never with want.He sounded so afraid.“It’s me,” Kevin was tearfully whispering as Connor brought in sandwiches for lunch. “It’s Kevin. Marvin’s not here.”“Where is he?”“He’s not here.”“He’ll hate me. He’ll hate me –”“It’s okay. You’re going to be okay.”“I need to make dinner. He’s going to be mad.”“He’s not here, Whizzer. It’s just me – Just Kevin.”“Did I vacuum the floors today?”“I – no, you –”“Shit, shit, he’ll be so mad –”Connor placed the plate down on the side table, touching Whizzer’s chest in as clinical a manner as he could to keep him from pushing himself out of bed.“It’s okay, Whizzer –”“Trina?”Connor faltered.“Yep,” he finally said. “It’s Trina. Don’t worry, I already vacuumed the floors, you’re…you’re sick,” he finally landed on, “You’re really sick.”“Jason – is Jason alone with Marvin – he – he can’t be alone –”“Jason’s at a friend’s house,” Connor promised, helping tuck him back into bed. “He’s safe. You’re safe. You just need some more rest.”He groaned, settling back under the covers, “My knee hurts.”“I know. It’s going to be okay – Kevin do you want to grab the painkillers?”“He still has twenty more minutes.”Connor fixed him with a look. “I think he’ll be okay.”Kevin looked anxious, like he maybe wanted to protest, but another moan of pain from Whizzer quickly shook him out of it.Ten minutes and half a sandwich later and he was out like a light.“I hate this.” Kevin murmured.“I know.” Connor agreed. “We all do.”“We can’t take him with us, right? There’s no way.”“We can leave him with Trina.”Neither of them seemed to like that option much.“I just…It’s been so long…I just got him back…” Kevin murmured.“I know.”“Maybe he just needs more time.” Fortunately, things started to look up. Days three and four were far better. He was up and moving, transferring on and off the chair, even begging to try and use the crutches, though still refusing to meet with Arnold and Nabulungi.“I’m not ready,” he kept insisting. “I just need another day.”“Whizzer Brown, put those crutches away.”“I’m fine! I –”“Your ribs are not healed yet!” Kevin shrieked, running to his side to confiscate them.“The doctor said two weeks! It’s been over that!”“But you still hold them when you laugh, which means they’re not healed.”“Healed enough.”“No.”“Yes.”“No!”“Yes!”“Boys, come on.” Connor cut through, “Whizzer – would it kill you to wait a little longer for your body to adjust so we don’t have to pick you up off the floor? Kevin – will you relax for ten minutes?”Connor pretended not to notice as Kevin and Whizzer took turns sticking their tongues out at each other from behind his back.But the glaze still came back. He was less confused, but…It was still hard to watch.“Whizzer, have you called the doctor about this yet?”“I…uh, yeah. I think…”“Well?” Connor asked, pulling up a seat, “What did they say?”Whizzer suddenly looked very self-conscious.“Uh…nothing. They said it’s nothing. It’ll go away with time.”Connor could have melted with relief.Kevin’s shoulders grew less tense, but…“He’s lying,” Kevin murmured once Whizzer had gone to bed. “I don’t know if it’s about seeing the doctor or what they said, but he’s lying about something.”He supposed that information would have been too good news to get.Fucking Heavenly Father all right. “But when is he going to be ready?” Arnold was begging, “I want to meet my best friend’s brother!”“I know, I know,” Kevin rubbed his forehead. “He just…he needs more time.”“But when?” “Whenever he’s ready, Arnold.”“But when will that be?”“I DON’T KNOW!”Kevin sat back on the chair, watching as Arnold curled in on himself.“Look, Arnold, I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have shouted.”Arnold nodded silently, before suddenly looking up, tears in his eyes, “Is it something I’m doing wrong? Am I annoying him?”“No, no, you’re fine, it’s just…I think he just wants to make a good first impression and is nervous to do that when he’s not…feeling his best.”“Oh,” Arnold’s whole face lit up, “Well he’s already made a great impression! He’s my best friend’s little brother? What could be better than that?”“I know that. You know that. Kev knows that. He doesn’t.” Connor explained as he came into the sitting area, silently closing the door behind him as he vacated Whizzer’s room.Kevin glanced at the closed door. “How’s he feeling?”“Better,” Connor said, “Been a long day, though. He’s just going to bed now, but he’s determined to use those crutches, so either we need to –”A loud crash came from Whizzer’s room.In a heartbeat, Kevin was running.

----- CHAPTER BREAK -----

Whizzer was groaning on the floor when Kevin all but threw himself through the door.

He was breathing sharply through his teeth, clutching his knee, occasionally making little sounds of pain.

Two crutches were laid on either side of them.

“Whizzer! Shit – are you okay?”

The sound he made was incomprehensible.

Connor knelt down beside Kevin, moving to tap Whizzer’s forehead.

“Jack? Are you with me?”

Whizzer’s eyes opened, meeting Connor’s.

Some look of understanding passed through them. Something that Kevin did not feel privy to.

“Whizzer, can you follow my finger?” Connor went on before anyone could think too much about it.

“‘M fine,” Whizzer gritted out, before quickly amending, “No concussion, I mean. Didn’t hit my head. Just my knee.”

“Are you sure?” Connor asked, “This is important – if you even think you tapped your head against the floor –”

Whizzer scoffed, “Believe me, Connor, I’d know if it was a concussion.”

“Whizzer, you wouldn’t necessarily –”

“Connor,” Whizzer’s voice came out warningly, “Trust me. I’d know.”

Connor pressed his mouth into a line. He glanced back at Kevin, who met his eye.

From the sound of it, Whizzer had a more intimate history with concussions than he maybe had let on. And Kevin had a sick feeling Marvin had a little more than something to do with it.

“Do you think you can get up?” Connor asked gently.

Whizzer swallowed audibly.

“Yeah, I…uh, I think so.”

“I can help!” A voice from the back of the room suddenly called.

Kevin had almost forgotten Arnold had been standing there.

Kevin hesitated, but Connor didn’t.

“Yeah, Arnold, do you think you can move those crutches there, then grab his chair? It’s going to be easier to lift him up onto the chair, then transfer him to the bed – it’s too high to lift him and he’s like twice my height, so…”

Whizzer snorted. “‘M not that tall.”

“Tell that to Arnold.”

Kevin glanced over to watch Arnold making his way to Whizzer’s side, seemingly not knowing what limb he should be grabbing. He looked to be maybe a foot shorter than Whizzer? But it was hard to tell.

Kevin was struck with the very sudden realization that hadn’t seen his brother standing to his full height since Whizzer was fifteen and leaving. He’d seen him bent-over on the crutches as he tried to maneuver them, and leaning on tables and chairs and desks, but never standing.

He knew he would eventually, it was just…Heaven Almighty, he barely knew his brother at all.

“Kevin?”

Sharp eyes pierced through him from the other side of the room.

Whizzer had managed to get Connor and Arnold to stop moving him for a moment as he seemed to recognize this change in Kevin.

“Are you okay?”

“I –” His voice broke. It was only at that moment that he registered the dampness on his cheeks.

“Buddy…?”

“I…I’m going to get you something to eat.”

Kevin turned and fled the room.
 
“Kevin?” Nabulungi was standing in the sitting room, a cup of tea clutched in her hands. “Are you all right?”

“Yeah,” he lied, wiping his eyes with his sleeve, “Fine. Sorry.”

She glanced at the commotion in Whizzer’s room.

“I didn’t want to go in,” she admitted, “It seems…overcrowded.”

“Yeah, uh, probably the best call –”

“Tea?”

Kevin accepted the cup and sat down next to Nabulungi.

After she took a long sip, Nabulungi placed the cup down and looked at Kevin.

“It’s silly, but this reminds me of my mother, when she got sick.”

“Oh?”

Kevin hadn’t heard much of this part of her life. Nabulungi didn’t talk about it much. She spoke about her father, her village, her friends, her people, but very seldomly did she bring up her mother.

Kevin had always assumed it was because the wound was raw, but she didn’t sound like it was.

“She was very…” She struggled to find the word, “particular.” She laughed, “Liked everything ‘just so’, you know?”

“Oh, but Whizzer’s not –”

She lifted a hand and immediately Kevin fell silent.

“At the beginning, it was all she could do, complain about how unwell she was and how everything was wrong,” she laughed warmly, relishing in the memory, ”it used to drive my father and I crazy, but…the longer she was sick, the worse things got, the less she fussed. By the end, she barely spoke at all.”

Kevin nodded, not entirely sure what he was expected to say.

She smiled, placing a hand on his leg, “The complaining, it is a good thing,” she explained, “And the fighting and the not listening. It means he still feels alive. He wants to be alive.”

Kevin glanced back over to Whizzer’s room, where he could hear laughter echoing out the door. It sounded as though his brother was entertaining his guests.

He couldn’t help the small smile that grew on his own lips.

Maybe Nabulungi was right.

His brother was alive, and it didn’t matter if he was Whizzer now, or that he was still in the desperate fight for recovery. He was alive. And he would keep living.

And Marvin?

If Kevin ever met him, he would kill him.
 
If Whizzer thought Kevin was bad, he was entirely unprepared for the coddling tornado that was Arnold Cunningham.

He might as well be in a five-star resort with the way Arnold waited on him hand and foot.
 
“No, no, no, I got it,” Arnold had insisted, opening the curtains that Whizzer had been moving to reach for, “You just sit back and relax.”

“No, don’t strain your eyes,” Arnold had snatched his book out of his hands, “I’ll read it to you – don’t you worry about a thing – okay, I think we’ll start back at the beginning so I know all the characters and can do the voices –

Chapter one…”

“I can help if you want!” Arnold had called through the shower door.

“KEVIN!” Whizzer shouted when he’d returned to find Arnold had planted a ‘towel path’ for him to desperately try not to stumble over on the one day he’d felt well enough to use the wall to support his way to and from the bathroom.

“So you don't slip!” Arnold had said.

Was it nice? Incredibly so. Was it useful? Well, seeing as Whizzer nearly tripped on the edges of towels a half dozen times in the two feet between his bed and the bathroom…

“Whizzer? Are you okay?” Kevin was in a fraction of a second after he called, quickly followed by Arnold.

“Whizzer! Do you need another back massage –?”

“No!” Whizzer shouted, “No, I don’t – Kevin!”

By some miracle, Kevin managed to usher Arnold out of the room under the guise of making Whizzer lunch.

The door shut behind him and for a moment, Kevin and Whizzer could only look at each other, before they both burst into uncontrollable fits of laughter.

“Holy shit,” Whizzer gasped out, instinctively clutching at his ribs as Kevin quickly grabbed some water from the side table to hand him once the laughing fit subsided.

It was almost unnerving the ease of the routine he’d found himself in.

“I don’t seem so bad now, do I?” Kevin teased once Whizzer had resettled himself. He didn’t look as tired as he once had at the end of a fit like that. After everything, it was nice to have that reminder that he

was

getting better, even if some of his other symptoms seemed to be worsening all the time. He was healing.

He was laughing.

“Not so bad, yeah.” Whizzer laughed back. Kevin, having been lost in himself, had taken a moment to react.

Noting the lack of reaction, Whizzer’s voice softened.

“Kev,” He said gently, “You know I appreciate this, right? All of this. I…I don’t know where I’d be right now without you.”

“Probably dead in a motel room.”

He’d tried to say it with flippant ease, but as the words came out, his voice cracked and he could feel moisture gathering in his eyes as he imagined his baby brother, dead on the floor of a dirty motel room, covered in blood, phone in hand with no one to call.

“I love you,” he said suddenly. “You know that, right?”

Kevin felt like he’d been punched in the face as he realized the last time Whizzer had said he loved him, they were kids…they were so young. As the years went on, it had become an obligation, said without any real meaning behind it. Then later, it stopped being said at all.

“I love you too.” He whispered back. “I – Whizzer. I love you so much.”

It was in that moment, as his brother embraced him, that Kevin knew they would not be leaving Whizzer behind. He wouldn’t let it happen. Come hell or high water, Whizzer would be on that plane with them. He would be going to Uganda.

----- CHAPTER BREAK -----

The days at Arnold’s passed with relative ease, especially considering what they’d been through to get there.

Arnold doted, Connor entertained, Nabulungi brought him tea and chatted, and as always, Kevin worried. But Whizzer seemed to be healing.

He still had his days, where he couldn’t get out of bed – where he didn’t know where he was or who was speaking to him. But these days were easier to handle with Arnold and Nabulungi. As much as the boy could come off overeager and as a disruption, Arnold was undeniably helpful, caring for Whizzer like an ailing child.

The discourse between them then shifted to whether they should fly to New York for their flight, or drive.

“The flight will be faster,” Nabulungi pointed out. “And we could always try to use some of Arnold’s Tylenol PM.”

“Or something stronger.” Connor nodded, following along, “Hope he sleeps through it.”

“We’re not just knocking him out,” Kevin argued defensively, “He’s not a dog.”

“But we know he does better when he’s out,” Connor said quietly, rubbing his boyfriend’s shoulder. “Besides, he’ll have to fly eventually,” He shrugged, “It might be a good trial run.”

Kevin didn’t look too sure.

Connor wrapped his arms around him, “I know it won’t be easy, but…Kev, I don’t think Whizzer can do that drive again.”

“Yeah.” Kevin rested his head in the crook of Connor’s arm. “I just wish there was an easier way.”

“Yeah. Yeah, so do I.”
 
Whizzer had lost weight.

It had been easy to ignore at the beginning, in the wake of the hospitals, and the travel, and the stress. A few pounds here, a few pounds there – there’d been no mirror to check, and he had been sitting and lying all the time, so it was hard to tell anyway.

But it was becoming undeniable.

He was beginning to look sick.

Marvin would hate this.

You’ve let yourself go, Whiz.

I can’t walk, Marvin.

You can do pilates from bed.

Marvin, I can barely move my knee –

You’re making excuses again.

I’m not. They’re reasons.

Then find better ones.

Whizzer pushed himself into a seated position with a groan, staring down at himself.

In only a few weeks, his fit physique had grown soft, seemingly withering down to a skinny, sickly-looking figure. He’d easily lost twenty-five pounds.

It felt like a silly concern in the wake of everything, but it was just about all he could think about as he ran his fingers over his pale stomach.

Feeling hungry, are you?

Whizzer turned away from the stove where he’d been piling dinner.

What’s that supposed to mean?

Nothing,

Marvin said insincerely,

I’m just saying. Do you really think you need all that?

Whizzer glanced self-consciously down at his plate. Had he really grabbed that much? It didn’t look like a lot.

I noticed you didn’t go to the gym this week.

I – I’ve been busy, Marv!

I’m just saying,

Marvin shrugged insincerely,

You don’t even have a job. I don’t know what’s so important that you can’t even take care of yourself.

Marvin!

See, and now you’re doing it again. I thought you were the one who said we needed to start communicating more.

Well, yes, but –

But every time I try, you just have to get over-emotional about it.

I’m not getting emotional, I just –

Marvin’s voice grew quiet, almost pitying.

You’re shouting, Whiz.

I –

Whizzer tried to level his voice, bring it down just above a whisper.

I’m not shouting, Marvin.

Thank you, baby. See, I knew we could work this out.

Yeah.

Yeah?

Marvin demanded.

I mean, thank you. You were right.

I know.

His voice went so soft as he moved across the room, wrapping his arms around Whizzer’s waist.

You’ve just gotten so skinny, baby. I’m worried about you. You look sick.

Whizzer had felt confused about that, because he'd been convinced that earlier, Marvin was complaining about him eating too much. But Marvin only rolled his eyes when he'd brought it up and insisted Whizzer was being dramatic. He'd never said that.

But he had. Hadn't he?

Whizzer hadn’t really ever recovered from that night. Especially not after Marvin insisted he keep his shirt on when they'd moved to the bedroom.

“Whizzer?”

Whizzer looked up to see Kevin and Connor standing by the door – Arnold and Nabulungi not too far behind, watching him.

“Yes?”

“How are you feeling?”

“Fine.” He looked around, “What’s going on?”

“We’re getting ready to book flights.”

“Right.”

Kevin crossed the room, sitting down next to him on the bed.

“Are you sure you think you can handle the flight?”

He nodded, though in reality, he was sure he had just as little an idea as anyone else did.

“Yeah, yeah, I’m feeling a lot better lately.” He lied. “Think I might try the crutches again today.”

The idea didn’t seem to enthuse Kevin even the slightest bit, but he’d promised he’d help Whizzer use them when he felt up to it, in exchange for Whizzer promising he wouldn’t try to use them on his own again.

“Maybe, uh, after dinner?”

Whizzer felt his hands subconsciously drift to his midsection.

“Yeah,” he lied as nausea built its way up his throat, “Yeah, dinner sounds great.”

Kevin looked relieved at this sentiment as he began to talk through the chicken dinner Nabulungi was going to cook up for them.

With each passing word, his stomach churned at an increasing rate.

“…thinks the tomatoes in the garden will be ripe enough – Whizzer?”

“I – I need to use the bathroom.”

“Everyone out.” Connor said immediately.

Kevin looked reluctant, but after a sharp look from his boyfriend, he departed alongside Arnold and Nabulungi.

Connor then turned to Whizzer.

“Do you need the nausea medication?”

Whizzer nodded without speaking, worrying that if he opened his mouth, he would not be able to stop the exhale of vomit that would emerge.

Silently, Connor bustled around, grabbing the pills and counting them off into his hand before handing them off to Whizzer, who would have dry swallowed them, if not for Connor pushing a cup of water into his hands, coaxing it to his mouth and forcing him to drink.

Whizzer was left lying on his back in bed, trying desperately to wait for the pills to quell his stomach, eyes closed and breathing heavily through his nose.

Connor did not try to engage in conversation in the meantime, though did not move to leave either. They just sat there together in silence.

Finally, when the feeling had passed, Whizzer whispered,

“Sorry.”

“You’re fine,” Connor shrugged.

“I don’t know why –”

“You don’t need to.”

Whizzer smiled bitterly. “I wish I did, though.”

“Yeah,” Connor murmured. “Yeah, I do too.”

There was a beat of silence.

“I am

trying

to eat.” Whizzer promised. “I swear. It’s just…” The word ‘hard’ felt too childish, so he didn’t say anything at all. Connor seemed to know where he was going, though.

“Yeah. I know you are. We’ll get through this.”

We’ll. Not you’ll. We’ll.

Whizzer closed his eyes as Connor murmured something about making him soup.

We’ll get through this.

He thought to himself.

Yeah,

the Marvin in his head replied,

We always do.

----- CHAPTER BREAK -----

The world was a murky red, and He could feel Himself wading through something thick and heavy, heavy weeds seemed to grab Him as His foot made contact with the soft, mud-like floor, pulling Him down, each step harder than the last. Thicker than water, the swirling liquid splattered His face as He dislodged a foot.

Suddenly He was face-down, coughing and spluttering, trying to regain His balance as the liquid seeped through His pants, onto His shirt, staining His whole body red. He was on His feet again, desperately trying to rub the color off His fingers, but they remained red and tainted.

He could feel the weeds slowly moving up His legs, reaching His knees, then His waist, before rapidly pulling back.

He was suddenly thrust backwards into the pool –

And all was calm.

The world was surrounded in red murky liquid, too dark to see through, not knowing which way was up, but for some reason not really caring.

It was peaceful down here. Wherever down here was.

Blood filled His throat, warm and metallic, but He didn’t hold His breath.

Fingers were suddenly around Him dragging Him upwards –

His body breached and He was being lifted, fist on the collar of His button-up.

His heavy head was lifted, with a hand on His chin.

Kevin stared into the eyes of the General.
 
Kevin woke up, heaving.

“Kevin?” Connor called sleepily from his side of the bed, rolling over, “You ‘kay?”

Kevin took a deep inhale, steadying his breath.

“Yeah.” His voice was shaking. “Fine.”

“Nightmare?”

“Yeah.”

“Was it…?”

“Yeah.”

“Come here.”

Kevin scooted back over to Connor, who wrapped his arms around him. They sat there for a while, cuddling in silence. It didn’t take long for Connor to fall back asleep, but Kevin could not find it in himself to do the same.

He knew Connor got nightmares too – the Spooky Mormon Hell Dream was no joke. But over time as he became more comfortable with himself, Connor’s dreams had waned. So when Kevin had his nightmares…well, it was easier to say it was just a Hell Dream.

Huh. Maybe he and Whizzer were more like each other than he’d thought.

After a few minutes, he quietly extracted himself from his boyfriend’s arms and slipped off the bed.

He wasn’t sure if it was muscle memory, or some subconscious need, but Kevin found himself peeking into Whizzer’s room.

To his surprise, Whizzer was not asleep.

It must have been three in the morning, but Whizzer had the bedside lamp on and was flicking through photos in his phone, brows furrowed as he zoomed in on each one, but eyes relaxed.

It took him a moment, but he suddenly registered the movement and looked up.

“Kevin?”

“Hey Whizzer.”

His expression changed, his forehead unwrinkling as understanding passed through him.

“You okay?”

Kevin nodded, but something large seemed stuck in his throat.

“Come here.”

Whizzer scooted over in bed, careful not to jostle his leg too much, patting the empty side.

Kevin padded across the floor and sat down next to his brother.

“Jason gets them too sometimes.”

Kevin jumped at the admission. He watched as Whizzer seemed to observe him with a knowing gaze. Not the gaze he’d come to expect from his brother. No, this wasn’t brotherly. This was almost…paternal.

“I’d sneak out of bed sometimes,” he said, staring up at the ceiling as if it held the memory, “When I could hear him crying. We’d stargaze on the balcony – well, we called it that, but…New York.”

A pit formed in Kevin’s stomach as the implications of the wording touched him. Snuck out. He wondered how much Whizzer had risked just to keep that kid safe. Just to go watch the stars with him.

Realization suddenly struck him, right in the center of the chest. He felt like a fool. Like he finally understood.

He looked up at Whizzer.

“Want to sneak out?”
 
Whizzer was giggling drunkenly as he lay in the grass.

Kevin certainly hadn’t planned for him to get off the wheelchair, but two hours into their little escapade, they were both lying there, gazing up at the stars.

He seemed less delicate this way.

Whizzer, it seemed, couldn’t get over the sky.

“You can see them!” He giggled over and over again.

Kevin hadn’t expected Whizzer to be such a lightweight. He’d been much the same, mind you, when he left the Church, and even now he rarely partook. He’d always assumed Whizzer would be a bit more of a…connoisseur.

He supposed there was still a lot to learn about his brother.

“Just wait until we’re in Uganda,” Kevin promised, “We’ve got the rainy season, but the rest of the year there’s no light, no pollution, no clouds.”

Whizzer exhaled dreamily, “That sounds beautiful.”

“It is.” Kevin whispered. “It really is.”

Whizzer was silent for a beat.

“Did I always like the stars?”

Kevin hesitated.

“I think so. Dad got you a telescope for your eleventh birthday. I don’t know if you ever used it, though. I was…busy.”

“Huh.”

Whizzer didn’t respond, his throat bobbing for a moment.

“Why do you ask?”

“I don’t know,” he admitted. “I guess just wondering…I was so lost in repression and all that…I don’t know. I feel like I don’t know who I was.” Then, quieter, he added, “Not entirely sure who I am anymore, either.”

“You’re Whizzer.”

The silence stretched out just long enough for Kevin to be worried he had glazed over again, but then he spoke.

“I don’t know that I am.”

Kevin tried to inquire further, but Whizzer, it seemed, was done with the conversation, bobbing in and out, struggling to stay awake, asking where Marvin was…

He helped him back into the wheelchair and took him back inside, tucking his baby brother back into bed.

“‘Night, mom.” He murmured, still lost in his memories.

“Night, Jack,” Kevin whispered back, kissing his forehead. “Love you.”

He flicked the light off and shut the door.

Kevin returned to his and Connor’s room and slipped back into bed.

Connor made a noise as he returned, his arms moving back around his boyfriend, but he didn’t wake.

Kevin stared up at the ceiling and tried to picture the stars.

----- CHAPTER BREAK -----

Whizzer groaned as Kevin helped ease him back onto the mattress.

They’d tried breakfast, which had been a minor success. They had been warned that some of the medication he was on would function as meal suppressants, so off them, he had much more of an appetite. But even then, the pain gave way to nausea, and he’d only managed half his bowl of soup. But half was more than he’d managed in ages, so it was hard to be all that upset about it.

Twenty-five hours, Kevin had warned him the night before. Twenty-five hours was how long alcohol stayed in the system. If he wanted a drink Whizzer would have to wait twenty-five hours before taking any of his painkillers.

At the time, Whizzer had blown him off.

“I just want to feel normal, Kev,” he’d insisted. “I want to feel human.”

Kevin wondered if he still felt the same way about it now.

He could feel Connor’s glare on the back of his head as he finished tucking him in.

He already knew what Connor wanted to say, and he couldn't help but feel the doubt and the guilt creep in.

That is, until Whizzer looked up at him, clammy and sickly, with the biggest grin on his face.

“I love you, Kevin.”

Kevin couldn’t help but smile back, brushing his hair back. Whizzer tensed as the hand approached, but visibly relaxed at Kevin’s touch.

Little steps.

“Hey Kevin,” Connor’s voice was tense, “Can I talk to you outside for a minute?”

Whizzer froze, for a moment, he looked truly terrified, and then his eyes glazed over. And then he was gone.

Usually, Kevin would stay with his brother, rubbing his back and whispering assurances. But today, Connor grabbed him by the arm, dragged him out into the hallway, and shut the door.

“Connor, I can explain –”

“What in the world could you have been thinking?”

“Connor –”

“This is possibly the dumbest thing you’ve done yet –”

“Connor!”

“What?” Connor demanded, “Kevin, you’re smarter than this – What could have possibly possessed you to –”

“

Christ

, he’s miserable, Connor!” Kevin blurted out.

They both froze.

Speaking of possession. It certainly hadn’t been the first time they’d used Heavenly Father’s name in vain since leaving the church, but…but it didn’t happen often. And usually it was with some semblance of intention.

If he asked Connor about it, Kevin knew he would tell him it was a part of assimilating into the rest of the world.

If he asked Whizzer, he was fairly sure he’d say it was him healing.

He wasn’t sure which one it really was – probably a bit of both, really – but he knew which one he wanted it to be.

“G-God, Connor, he just wants to feel normal again.”

Connor frowned. “Did he say something to you?”

Kevin rubbed his arm uncomfortably.

“Not really. Just…I don’t know, there was something so…open about him. Like all he wanted in the world was to see the stars. It’s just…” he swallowed, searching for the right words, “He’s just…so used to risking it all, you know? He’s spent the last God knows how many years risking everything all the time every day just to survive, and now we’re here, treating him like he’s made of glass – it’s suffocating!”

Connor rubbed his forehead, “I get that, Kevin, but he’s been hurt –”

“I don’t remember expecting you to go from repressed Mormon boy to best gay boyfriend overnight.”

Connor closed his eyes. Taking a deep breath. That was a low blow and Kevin had known it. Even now, happily in a gay relationship, they rarely used the ‘g’ word. They let it be implied. But now Whizzer had come in, queer like nothing else, and…maybe there was something freeing in embracing his world too.

“Admit it, Kevin,” Connor said, his voice even and flat, “This was a stupid risk to take.”

“You’re the one who’s been saying all this time that he’s an adult,” Kevin argued back, not dropping his tone a bit, “He agreed.”

“Kevin, I get that, but we have to prioritize his safety –”

“But he

was

safe.” Kevin insisted, “I was there the whole time. If something had happened, I could’ve called for help. But it didn’t. He was fine.”

“Did you see him?

That’s not what I would call fine!”

“It was a risk! He knew what he was getting into!”

“He’s not in the right mind to be making those decisions!”
“How can you say that?” Kevin demanded, getting up into Connor’s face, “How can you possibly say that?” They both froze as they heard the sound of a sob through the door.
When their eyes returned to each other, they didn’t need to speak as a silent agreement passed through them.

For now, they’d agree to disagree.

Kevin took a breath and pushed the door back open.

“Hey, Whiz.”
 
Glass shattered against the floor.

G-d, how stupid can one man be?

Marvin raged through the apartment, Whizzer standing stone-still in the doorway.

Marvin, please, I’m sorry –

You couldn’t have kept your stupid trap shut, could you?

I was scared, Marv! I thought –

You thought what?

Marvin spat.

I told you that you were fine, Whizzer!

I’m sorry.

Whizzer hung his head, kneeling on the floor. He knew how much Marvin liked it when he groveled.

You’re right. I was being stupid.

Marvin walked over to where he was knelt, grabbing his chin to force his gaze upwards at his domineering face.

You’re always being stupid, Whizzer.

He dropped Whizzer’s head back down.

You humiliated me. You know that, don’t you, Whizzer?

I didn’t mean to –

Did you or did you not?

I did.

Whizzer whispered.

I’m sorry.

How sorry are you?

I’m really sorry.

So what are you going to do about it?

Whizzer looked up,

Make it up to you?

And how do you plan to do that?

Whizzer stood up, stumbling as his leg burned in pain, the tediously stitched wound threatening to split open again. He took a step towards Marvin, moving to tuck his hands into his boyfriend’s pants, only for Marvin to step back.

You seriously think you can fix everything with sex?

Marvin sneared,

G-d, Whizzer, how shallow are you?

I’m sorry. You’re right. I’m sorry.

He didn’t know what to do. He usually could – what else could Marvin want.

You’re going to go back upstairs and apologize to our neighbors,

Marvin growled in his ear.

Tell them that you just ate some bad sushi and that’s all that was wrong. Then you’re going to come back down and make things right.

Whizzer did as he was told. He’d met his neighbors earlier that evening when Marvin had kicked him out after a fight, feeling nauseous and dizzy and clammy, sure that he was suffering from bloodloss, scared that he might pass out in the hallway, he’d stumbled into the stairwell, only for the doting heterosexual couple to find him, offering to call him an ambulance and, when he declined, inviting him upstairs. His mistake was accepting this invitation. Marvin had been furious when he’d called and Whizzer had admitted he was only one floor up. Marvin liked it when he walked around the block. When he remembered what it was like to be homeless and cold.

The couple upstairs invited him over a few more times after that. He declined each and every one.

Stupid as he may be, Whizzer was determined to prove to Marvin that he could learn.

It was all worth it for those late nights when Marvin had had a good day at work and Whizzer would make him his favorite meal – not too often, otherwise he’d get angry. But sometimes the stars would align and Marvin would gently escort him to bed and fall asleep in the crook of his arm. And Whizzer would lay there and stare at the ceiling, wishing he could see the stars.

I love you, Whiz.

Marvin would whisper.

I love you too, Marv.

And the worst part was, he did.

----- CHAPTER BREAK -----

A thick air of tension filled the home over the next few days.

Kevin and Connor were not exactly

fighting,

but even so, Whizzer could clock the conflict like a bloodhound.

He seemed to drape the tension around his shoulders like a cape, his body shaking with it. They had thought they’d seen him on edge before, but even then, it was nothing like this. His sharp eyes swiveled at every tiny exchange, jumping like a frightened cat, groaning in pain at the bodily recoil.

“We’re not going to hurt each other,” Connor had promised gently, sitting on the bed beside Whizzer and rubbing his back, “We wouldn’t do that.”

“I know.” Whizzer whispered back through heaving breath over and over again, “I know. I know.”

But whether or not he consciously knew it, his subconscious mind seemed unable to let go.

“It’s not my fault you can’t recognize his autonomy!”

“I’m

the one who can’t recognize his autonomy?”

“He just wanted to go outside!”

“And you could’ve done that without getting him drunk!”

“He got himself drunk!”

“And who provided –”

“This again? He was safe!”

“You saw him in the morning, Kev!”

“Yes! I did! But it was still his choice!”

“You’re not listening to me!”

“God, your impossible!”

The air in the room seemed to get a few degrees colder.

He still wasn’t used to it yet.

No one

in that room was used to it yet, hearing Heavenly Father’s name said like that. But Kevin had been throwing His name out left and right lately. Admittedly, Connor found himself…a bit worried. It wasn’t a

bad

thing per se, it was just…different. Different and sudden.

“The two of you need to work this out,” Nabulungi reminded them knowingly – she, saint that she was, remained the voice of reason in the household, remaining calm and knowing just when to jump into an argument, “He is going to be able to tell if you haven’t.”

They knew she was right, too. No matter how many times they tried coming back into his room, claiming to have made up, he somehow always knew. It was like he could smell it on their lying tongues.

“I have a great idea!” Arnold suggested enthusiastically, seemingly entirely ignorant of the room, “We can lock you two in a closet together until you get along again!”

“No!” Kevin shot down again. “

Christ

, Arnold, just stop!”

Arnold seemed to shrink in on himself.

“Sorry.” He murmured.

Kevin pinched the bridge of his nose in what Connor recognized to be a curiously Whizzer-like motion.

“It’s fine Arnold, I appreciate the suggestion, just…I need a minute.”

Kevin left the room.

Connor watched him go and wished he could just turn it off.
 
“Whizzer?”

In an attempt to find some peace to clear his head, Kevin had made his way out onto the front porch. He was rather surprised to find Whizzer, who hadn’t left his bed all afternoon, sitting out on the stoop, a pair of crutches discarded at the base of the stairs.

He still looked pale and shaky, but he smiled anyway, in that light lilting way that carried so much baggage that it could barely be passed as a smile. Whizzer patted the wood beside him to invite his brother to sit down.

Kevin did, dropping down onto the narrow stoop, their shoulders touching.

The sun was just beginning to set over the horizon, drenching the landscape in a hazy golden hue. The trees shuffled in the soft breeze, washing over the two of them with a small shiver of foreshadowing as the winter weather began its approach.

“I know you guys are not like me and Marv.” Whizzer admitted quietly, not taking his eyes off the scenery.

“Whizzer…”

“We never got to the core of our problems,” He went on, his voice growing distant, “When we fought, it was never actually about what was wrong. Just…everything else that came from it.”

Kevin nodded, knowing Whizzer’s gaze wouldn’t reach him, but not knowing how else to respond.

“He’d come home late from work…I’d make a comment…he’d tell me all the ways I wasn’t good enough to come back for…I’d threaten to leave…he’d remind me why I couldn’t…” Whizzer swallowed, rocking side to side, catching Kevin’s shoulder, but he stayed present. At least, somewhat.

“We couldn’t just admit that we needed each other,” he mumbled, “We were too caught up in convincing the other they needed us.”

“Whizzer, you don’t need him –”

“I know.” His voice was light, barely audible, he looked slightly nauseous at the thought. “I know that.”

His eyes glazed over.

Kevin sighed quietly, putting his head on his brother’s shoulder and rocked his body for him. Back and forth. Back and forth.

“Thanks, Whiz.” He whispered.

Though his brother hadn’t finished his thought, Kevin had managed to pick up the pieces. They wouldn’t just resolve this problem by deciding who was right about the other night. This was a deeper conversation. One that, if unaddressed, could break their relationship.

It seemed Whizzer was a little wiser when it came to relationships than Kevin had given him credit for.

Maybe he hadn’t been stuck in that relationship with Marvin out of a lack of knowing it was bad. Maybe…maybe he’d known all this time and…and he knew he couldn’t safely leave and…

Whizzer had no one.

He had nowhere to go.

It was like understanding had literally punched him in the face.

“Kevin?”

He looked up to see Connor hovering nervously by the door.

He felt pale and a bit shaky, but he offered a light, lilting smile.

“Connor,” he said.

“Want me to help get Whizzer inside?”

“Yeah,” Kevin stood up, still holding his brother gently in place, “And then…I think we need to talk.”

“Yeah,” Connor said. “Yeah, I think we do.”

They worked as a team, lifting him to get him up off the stairs.

They hadn’t asked her to, but Nabulungi was already waiting for them with the wheelchair.

They eased him back in and Connor left to return him to his room.

Kevin was supposed to follow, but he didn’t. Instead, he found himself staring at Nabulungi.

“Are you okay?”

“You were trying to tell us.”

“What?”

“You…Sorry, but the same thing that Whizzer said…you’ve been saying the same thing for days.”

She smiled, there was something cheeky in it that made Kevin wonder if she’d been conversing with Whizzer more than they thought she had.

“Yes, probably.”

He stared at her a little longer.

“Arnold knows it too.”

“What? How does Arnold –”

She rolled her eyes, patting him on the shoulder.

“Because

he listens. Now go help your boyfriend or you’ll have

another

problem to deal with.”

She shoved him lightly towards Whizzer’s room.

His steps were quiet, but Connor heard them coming anyway.

“Hey.”

“Hey.”

“You ready for that talk?”

“Yeah.”

The weight on Whizzer’s shoulders seemed to lessen that night.

Kevin could honestly say the weight on his did too.

----- CHAPTER BREAK -----

You need me, Marvin reminded him, like he always did whenever Whizzer tried to fight back.  No, I don’t, Whizzer shouted back – they couldn’t keep having this fight.
You would be nothing without me.

And what would you be without me? Gonna run back to your wife? Well, news-flash, asshole, she’s fucking your therapist.

The fuck did you just say to me?
Marvin had whizzer up against the wall, arm around his throat.Whizzer choked, arms flailing to dislodge Marvin, but Marvin only kneed him in the groin to keep him from overpowering him.
What the fuck, Marvin?
It was odd to think of a time before Whizzer had stopped fighting back. When he almost craved the fights, some sick twisted pleasure in knowing he was right and watching Marvin scramble to combat it. That growl that would emit from the back of his throat when he was at a loss for what to say. Back when thrusting him against the wall just meant they were going to fuck.  I’ll show you how much you need me, Marvin would say and they’d barely make it to the bedroom before their clothes were off and they were at each other.But that hadn’t happened this night.No, this night, Marvin had held his arm on Whizzer’s trachea, watching with a sadistic enjoyment as Whizzer struggled. His limbs grew weaker. His head light. His vision began to fade.And then Marvin let go.Whizzer dropped to the floor, his chest heaving, his mouth gaped like a fish, desperately trying to regain the oxygen in his lungs.He was startled by a foot stomping onto the ground, mere inches from his head. He looked up. You need me. Marvin growled, and there was something truly terrifying in the way he said it. Say it!
Fuck, you Marvin! What the hell was that?
Back before Whizzer had been surprised by Marvin’s ego and rage. Before he’d known just the ways to placate him, just the ways to smooth over the ridges. Say it! Marvin kicked Whizzer in the head.That had been when the ringing started.It never went away after that.He’d wanted to go to the doctor about it, but Marvin wouldn’t let him. It was the guilt – they both knew it, but Marvin refused to acknowledge this fact. You’re only doing this because you feel guilty about last night. Whizzer snapped. His head still ached and the black eye had yet to disappear (all the more reason why he was trapped with Marvin. No one would want him like this).  Can’t I just do something nice for my friend? Marvin demanded, opening his menu. Do you have to load it with reason? Marvin never called him his ‘boyfriend’ out in public. It bothered Whizzer more than he rationally knew it should.
You ever heard of guilt flowers?
It was a low blow and Whizzer knew it. Marvin’s head whipped over to him.
Do you want to eat or not?
Whizzer raised his lip into a snarl.
I’m not that hungry, actually.
Fine! Marvin slammed down his menu. Whizzer flinched. If you’re going to be so ungrateful, I’ll just leave you with the bill. Whizzer froze. He knew it wasn’t much, just a few drinks, but Marvin liked to drink fancy. He’d never been bothered by it, because he’d never paid. But if Marvin wanted him to pay…It was easily a hundred bucks between the two of them, and since Marvin made him quit his job…Sometimes it was just best to give him what he wanted.
Marvin, wait.
Marvin paused, watching Whizzer expectantly. I’m…I’m sorry, Whizzer conceded. You’re right. I was being ungrateful. Sit down. Let’s have dinner. Marvin sat back down, but his brow remained raised.
And do you have something else to say to me?
Whizzer looked around, not sure what to say.
I…I’m sorry?

For what?
For…for being catty? Marvin always did say he hated when Whizzer was catty.
And what else?

I…I don’t know.
Marvin did not look impressed at all. Last night? He prompted.
For making fun of your divorce?
Marvin snarled, grabbing Whizzer’s arm, making him drop the menu.
Tell me you need me.
Whizzer blinked. Seriously? That’s what this is about? He laughed madly, Are you serious? Marvin’s voice got dangerously low in a way that made the back of Whizzer’s throat itch. Say. It. He demanded. Tell me you need me. Whizzer took a deep breath.
I need you, Marvin.

Say it again.

I need you, Marvin.

Again.

I need you, Marvin.

One more time.

I need you, Marvin.
Marvin dropped Whizzer’s hand and sat back in his seat, examining his menu like nothing had ever happened.Whizzer felt sick. Show me how much you need me –  He’d frozen when Marvin had said those words that night. Well, frozen until Marvin had grabbed the back of his neck and pushed him downwards.He tried to tell himself it was nothing. Hot. A kink. Anything else than what it was. But he knew.That was always the worst part.He knew.He knew and he couldn’t do anything to stop it – no, he could do something to stop it but he just…didn’t.He kept saying he’d leave too. Whenever his black eye cleared up. Or when the bruises on his thighs went away. Or when his head didn't feel like it was splitting in two.Sometimes he wondered if Marvin knew this too, and that’s why he had such an obsession for leaving marks. Evidence that he had been there. A symbol of his ownership over Whizzer. Tell me you need me, he would say, over and over until he didn’t have to say it anymore. Until Whizzer just began saying it himself. Over and over.
I need you.

I need you.

I need you.

I need you.

I need you Marvin.
Marvin looked down at him, that sadistic pleasured smile on his face as Whizzer was on his knees before him. It was the first time he’d said it without Marvin asking, but it sure as hell wouldn’t be the last. I know you do, Whizzer. Marvin had moaned sensually, as if the pledge itself was turning him on. Now show me how much. Whizzer did just that.Over and over.Night after night.
I need you.

I need you.

I need you.
“You don’t need him.” That’s what Kevin had said, when Whizzer looked up. You need me. Marvin whispered in his ear.“I know,” he said. “I know that.”But to who he was responding, he wasn’t quite sure.All he knew was that when he woke up, it wasn’t Marvin who was rubbing his back.

----- CHAPTER BREAK -----

Whizzer was distant the next few days as everyone packed for the trip. He wasn’t sick nor did it seem to be any head-trauma related concern. He just seemed…lost.

“We’ve made up, Whiz.”

“I know.” He answered, staring off through his window like he wasn’t quite inside of it.

“I’m worried about him,” Kevin admitted to Connor quietly, watching the way his brother stared down at his eggs, not actually seeing the breakfast in front of him as his hand hovered in midair, fork clutched between his fingers.

“You’re always worried about him.”

“This feels different.”

And it did feel different, especially as their flight date got closer and closer.

“Are you sure you still want to come with us?” Connor asked as the conversation shifted to packing.

“Yes, I do.” His voice was certain. Unwavering, yet somehow equally absent and separated.

They’d decided to fly to New York, Trina having agreed to pick them up from the airport and let them stay at hers.

“How has he been?” She’d asked kindly as they ran over the logistics.

“He’s been…okay,” Kevin said.

There was silence over the phone, long enough that he’d begun to wonder if Trina had simply hung up. But then, in a knowing tone, she spoke.

“What happened?”

Kevin sat back on the wooden step of the porch, glancing in the window to make sure he wasn’t being observed. “I think…I think he misses Marvin.”

Another beat of silence.

“Yeah,” Trina finally said, “Marvin has a funny way of doing that.”

“So what should we do?”

“I –” There were the muffled sounds of voices, someone asking something, Trina responding.

“Mendel wants to know if you’ve asked him about it.”

“What? Of course not!”

More muffled talking.

“He thinks you should.”

“I know what he’ll say if I do.”

“What will he say?”

“He’ll avoid the question, tell me I shouldn’t worry about it and that he’s fine.”

Trina sighed. She made a sound like she was ushering Mendel away, then returned to the receiver. “Kevin, I know this is hard, and I know you feel like you know Whizzer better than anyone else because he’s your brother, but…well, I think he’s a lot different than you remember him being. He’s changed a lot in the time since you knew him and I think you should give him a chance. He might just surprise you.”

Kevin sighed, rubbing his forehead. Maybe she was right. Was he being arrogant, assuming that he knew his brother so well? They’d only been reunited for a few weeks now, and with how irritated he could get with him sometimes…had he really been so blind?

“You’re right,” he found himself saying. “Thank you, Trina.”

“Any time.” He could hear the satisfied smile in her voice, “Now, Jason should be home from school by three, so I can have Mendel pick him up while I get you boys…”
 
“Whizzer,” Kevin said tentatively as the two of them set up the TV for movie night, “do you…do you ever miss Marvin?”

“Is Arnold serious about making us watch every Star Wars movie tonight?” Whizzer evaded as he changed the HDMI. Then, at Kevin’s unwavering look, he sighed, “Don’t worry about it, Kev. I’m fine.”

Don’t know him, my ass.

“He agreed to only do the first two tonight,” Kevin responded, “And I am worried about it. You’ve been acting off for days.”

“I’m fine, leave it.”

“You still miss him, don’t you?”

Whizzer glared, “So what if I do?”

“So,

he was terrible to you, Whizzer!”

“You think I don’t know that?” His tone was sharp and clipped, yet it carried a weariness to it. He sighed, pinching the bridge of his nose as if to try and quell a headache. “I love you, Kev, but sometimes you’ve got no idea what you’re talking about.”

“Then explain it to me.”

Whizzer groaned, sitting back on the couch so that his head was staring up at the ceiling. “It’s complicated.”

“So explain it to me.”

He groaned. Probably in pain. Headache at a guess. Probably more. “I can’t.”

Kevin rolled his eyes. “Just try.”

His eyes sharpened, expression morphing into almost a glare. “I don’t want to.”

“Jack…” Even to Kevin’s ear, it was condescending. He cringed internally, but tried to hold his ground. Couldn’t he see? They could make so much progress if he just listened.

Whizzer’s whole head turned at that. His sharp eyes bearing into Kevin, his teeth were gritted, though it was hard to tell if it was in pain or anger.

“It’s none of your business, Kevin.” It sounded like a warning. “Leave it.”

Kevin sighed, “I’m your brother.”

“No you’re not!”

Kevin felt his whole body freeze, his stomach drop, his hair stand on end. “What? But –”

“I’m not Jack anymore!” Whizzer’s voice raised, sounding more strained with every word. “I mean, Christ, Kevin, I’m not fifteen anymore – I’m a grown man!”

“I – I know that, I just –”

“You sit here, and introduce me to all your friends, and everyone here babies me! I don’t need your help! I’ve been taking care of myself since

you

did nothing to keep me from being kicked out!”

“Whizzer, I’m sorry –”

“You were my big brother, Kevin!” Tears collected in Whizzer’s eyes, but he seemingly refused to let them fall, despite his obvious attempts to hold them back, his voice so loud now that Kevin had no doubt that the rest of the house’s occupants could hear him loud and clear. “You were supposed to protect me!”

Kevin could only stand there, fat tears rolled down his own cheeks. Suddenly he felt like a child. Like his father stood over him, shouting at him – Heavenly Father, he’d been so angry – demanding to know who it was who stole the donut. Kevin hadn’t meant to lie, not really. He just hadn’t thought that far ahead. And Jack had just been standing there, eyes wide, watching the interaction, only a few years old, barely able to speak.

He’d just been so afraid.

And it had been so easy.

“I’m going back to my room,” Whizzer broke Kevin out of his memory by standing up. His movements were stiff and painful-looking as he snatched up his crutches. Kevin had half a mind to offer to run and get his wheelchair, but he didn’t. He just watched him go, listening for a fall that didn’t come.

“Is Whizzer okay?”

He jumped when Arnold’s voice came from behind him. The boy was holding a big bowl of popcorn and a large mug with a large green wrinkled face that said

‘Yoda best!’

Kevin scrubbed his face. “Whizzer won’t be joining us for Star Wars.”

As he stood there watching Nabulungi try to calm Arnold down as he distressed about Whizzer missing the movie – “But then we’ll have to start over anyway so that he understands for the rest of them!” – Kevin could feel Connor wrap his arm around his waist and place his chin on Kevin’s shoulder.

“What happened?”

Kevin closed his eyes, dropping his head against Kevin’s, trying to wipe his eyes. “I think I really messed up, Connor.”

“He’ll forgive you.”

Yeah.

Kevin thought to himself,

That’s the worst part.

Suddenly, missing Marvin made a lot more sense to him.

----- CHAPTER BREAK -----

I’m not a child Marv – I don’t need protecting!

Whizzer shoved against Marvin’s chest, but Marvin caught his wrist, pulling him violently in. One eyebrow was raised condescendingly, filling Whizzer with sickness and dread.

Really, Whizzer?

He pulled harder. This time Marvin let him go.

Yes, really!

Whizzer.

His voice went all gentle, and Whizzer felt like his insides were melting. Without thinking, he placed his hands back into Marvins, letting the man caress them with his own. It would have been sweet if he couldn’t feel the wedding ring still on his finger despite the divorce having been finalized weeks ago.

You know it’s ‘cause I love you, right?

Is this what you call love, Marvin?

Marvin pushed him against the wall, but this was before it was terrifying. No, Marvin pushed him and Whizzer grinned.

How can you say you don’t need protecting when you’re so easy to overpower?

Marvin kissed his neck, sucking hard so as to leave a good-sized hickey.

Whizzer fought back, dipping a kiss into his collar-bone as Marvin moaned and put his hand on Whizzer’s shoulders.

Whizzer sank to his knees and did his job.

It was only come morning, when Whizzer woke to an empty bed, Marvin already at work, that Whizzer realized he couldn’t find his metro card. That he couldn’t find his apartment key. That Marvin had snatched his phone from the bedside table.
 
Whizzer opened his eyes.

It was the first time he’d woken up alone.

They’ve given up on you,

the Marvin in his head sneered,

You always knew they would.

Kevin must be furious at him –

I would be,

Marvin agreed,

But I wouldn’t leave you like he would. I would never leave you.

Kevin hasn’t left – He’s just…mad. Shit, he’s got to be furious – Whizzer would – he’d just have to grovel. Throw out his dignity and beg for Kevin’s forgiveness. Tell him he’d been a brat, he’d been ungrateful – that he would never do it again – he’d shut his mouth, he’d be obedient – he’d be perfect –

Something in the room shifted and Whizzer froze.
 
Whizzer was flailing – he couldn’t breathe – pillow over his mouth and nose – thrashing – thrashing…showing…falling –

Marvin was laughing.

A joke,

he’d said. It had just been a joke.
 
But Whizzer was breathing. There was no pillow.

Not yet.

Marvin must be somewhere else in the room.

Unless…

He opened his eyes.

It was dark. But he wasn’t alone.

Kevin was sat, slumped in a chair he’d clearly taken from the kitchen.

He was asleep.

He hadn’t left Whizzer alone.

He must be so mad.

Whizzer froze.

Somehow…hearing Marvin say it…it no longer sounded so true.

He no longer was so afraid.

Why was that?

Because you’re an ungrateful whore.

Marvin was angry.

You’d do anything just to spite me.

Or maybe it was because Marvin was wrong.

He was wrong.

Listen to yourself, Whizzer,

Marvin had snapped cruelly,

You’re being emotional – just like you always are. Remember which one of us has the brains –

I’m not stupid.

Marvin’s eyes narrowed. They remained fixed and sharp, even as his voice softened.

Of course not,

he whispered condescendingly, running his hands down Whizzer’s back, gripping his waist. Whizzer tensed.

Nothing says smart like a street whore.

I’m not a street whore.

Whizzer argued back, before – in an attempt to regain some semblance of levity – quipping,

I have standards.

That you do.

Marvin pulled him closer, inhaling deeply, smelling his hair and pulled him back –

Catch me I’m falling.

Whizzer’s eyes refocused on his brother’s sleeping form. A shiver ran through Kevin’s body.

A blanket. He wanted a blanket.

Back to serving. It’s what you do best.

I’m helping. He’s been helping me. I want to do something nice in exchange.

I thought you said it wasn’t transactional.

It – it’s not.

Mmm.

Doubtful. Snide. Asshole.

Whizzer grabbed a quilted blanket off the bed and shuffled his legs off the side. Cautious of his knee, he dropped one leg to the floor, transferring his weight onto it, using his arm to support him on the bed.

He stepped, once, twice, gaining confidence with his movement, a third time –

Something caught his foot, and then Whizzer was falling –

He connected with the ground, painfully – jarringly. His leg moved without intention, the other caught beneath him, tied in blankets.

More than the pain, it was loud –

shit,

it was loud.

“Whizzer!”

He could hear the sound of urgent stumbling, Kevin’s hands suddenly on his shoulders.

Whizzer groaned, clutching his knee, moving his face against the warm carpet that was pressing into his cheek. He cursed his lack of elegance. Once upon a time, men would curse him for his flawless movement – the way he’d glide across the ground, slip between scenes with such silence and poise that they wouldn’t notice until he was already across the room.

He’d spent years perfecting this skill. Years that had all been ripped from him over the course of one night.

“Fine,” he insisted, “I’m fine, Kevin, I’m sorry –”

“C-Christ, Whizzer, stop apologizing. Are you okay? Like, actually.”

Whizzer accepted Kevin’s two awaiting hands and allowed him to help him back onto the bed, arms shaking traitorously.

“I am,” he promised, “I was…uh…bringing you a blanket, actually,” he held the bunched corner of quilt in his hand, “Well, I tried.”

Kevin hovered his hand in the air, halfway to his chest. Like he was…touched. He looked unbelievably touched. So much so, that Whizzer felt himself turning his head away in embarrassment.

“I…I’m sorry, Whizzer,” Kevin admitted quietly.

Whizzer blinked, for a moment wondering if he’d missed time again.

“What?”

“I – I shouldn’t have pushed you to talk about things. I – Mendel just said –”

Whizzer barked out a laugh, making his brother jump.

“Christ, Kev, I’ll tell you now,

never

listen to that man.” He wiped his eyes, his laughter drawing tears, “He means well, but he doesn’t have the first clue about, well,

anything

, really.”

Kevin laughed, but it sounded tinged with something a bit bitter. “I’m starting to think he’s not the only one.”

But Whizzer could only shake his head – he refused to let the moment of humor he’d captured flee so suddenly.

“Don’t worry about it – we’ve all fallen for it once or twice – Hell, Trina even married him.”

Seemingly against himself, Kevin cracked a smile.

He hates you.

“I love you, Kevin.”

“I love you too, Whiz.”

For that moment it was only Whizzer and Kevin. Marvin was quiet.

Everything would be all right.

----- CHAPTER BREAK -----

“I think Whizzer needs glasses.”

Kevin was sitting on the deck with Connor as Whizzer eased himself into the pool with Arnold.

It had been…shocking to say the least, when Whizzer had shed his outer layers to reveal the severity of the bruising. Much of it had faded, but there was still a molted yellowy-brown patchwork across his torso, dipping down into his swim shorts. The thick black brace around his knee so much more obvious without the thick jeans it usually wrapped around.

Kevin didn’t think he should be ashamed or anything, but there was something absolutely stunning about Whizzer’s unwavering confidence as he strode – well, hobbled on his crutches – out to the back deck, Nabulungi pushing his wheelchair behind him as they chatted about an episode from some old TV show from the 70s that Kevin had never heard of before.

Whizzer was magnificent in his confidence. It was something Kevin had really yet to see until this point.

And then Whizzer had stumbled.

Kevin, naturally, had shot to his feet, but then slowly lowered himself as his brother regained his footing. He’d tripped on a small lip. He must not have seen it.

And then, as he got closer to the pool, he had lowered himself down, just far enough away from the edge to feel…strange. Off.

As Arnold cannonballed in, Whizzer scooted closer, laughing casually with Kevin’s friends, but his forehead was creased in the way it always was when he was anxious about something. There was a mild surprise that crossed his eyebrows as his foot slipped into the pool. Had he not been able to see the edge?

Nabulungi then had helped him remove his knee brace. Kevin had winced, averting his gaze.

Connor placed a hand on Kevin’s shoulder.

“I know. I’m being chill.” Kevin had snipped.

Connor’d laughed lightly, sitting on the chair next to him.

Which was precisely when Whizzer had whispered something to Nabulungi, who squinted towards the house, murmuring something back.

Fortunately for Kevin, Arnold, who’d swam back over eagerly, was far less discrete.

“YOU MEAN YOU CAN’T SEE THE CLOCK?” Arnold had said loudly, “DO YOU NEED GLASSES?”

“No! No –” Whizzer’s eyes snapped back to Kevin, who quickly looked away. After some pushing from Whizzer, Arnold’s voice lowered, nodding gravely. Solemnly.

Kevin knew that look – Whizzer was telling him to keep a secret, and Arnold was promising to guard it with his life. Any second he would be –

“WOW YOUR VISION IS SO IMPRESSIVE! I BET YOU CAN SEE SPACE SHUTTLES FROM DOWN HERE!”

Yep. There it was.

Which brought Kevin to that moment, where he looked into his boyfriend’s eyes and said, “I think Whizzer needs glasses.”

“Probably.” Connor hummed easily, before looking back expectantly, “But…”

“

But

he obviously already knows and he’s an adult, so it’s his choice whether or not he wants to do anything about it.”
Connor sighed, pressing a kiss to the side of Kevin’s head, “I don’t like it either, Kev.” “I know.”
“You going to swim?”

Kevin shrugged. “I’m trying to give Arnold a chance to spend time with him.”

Connor hummed. “I’m impressed.”

“Nabulungi’s with him, so I’m a little less…”

“Neurotic about it?”

“Nervous,” Kevin corrected, playfully shoving his boyfriend off his shoulder.

Connor ran a hand through Kevin’s hair in a soothing, circular motion. As he leaned into the comforting touch, Kevin found his mind wandering to his brother’s reaction to when he’d tried to do the same.

He considered how vulnerable he was in that moment and wondered exactly when he’d begun trusting his partner so implicitly. So unwaveringly that the idea of him doing something with the hand that carded across his scalp hadn’t even crossed his mind, and probably wouldn’t ever have, had his brother not dropped into his life.

“Kev?” Connor’s hand stopped.

Kevin looked up, the hand on his head falling back down to Connor’s side.

“I want to help him.” He said.

Connor frowned. “I know, Kev, but –”

“We can’t let him go to Uganda without figuring out what’s wrong with him.”

“It’s not about ‘letting’ –”

“It won’t be

safe

,” Kevin pushed further. “He – he – something’s wrong with him. We know that.

He

knows that –” Kevin licked his lips, not entirely sure how to proceed. Connor wrapped his arms around his boyfriend’s neck, resting them on his chest, tapping it twice, but had nothing more to offer him verbally.

Kevin stared out at the pool to where Whizzer was buckled over, laughing as Nabulungi dunked Arnold beneath the water, coming back up, spluttering and giggling twice as hard.

He watched as the two of them helped Whizzer ease himself further into the pool, the water helping him balance on his good leg as he slowly gained confidence, moving with increasing boldness, his smile only growing.

He watched him turn back towards Kevin, gesturing him in.

He felt his own body draw towards him and, as he jumped into the pool, getting just close enough to shower his brother.

He saw the brightness that burned in his eyes and wondered how long it would last for.

‘Forever,’ he wanted to say, and wondered if it was true.
 
“I’m okay, you know.” Whizzer promised as they dried themselves off on the deck.

There was only one shower, so while Arnold and Nabulungi went first and Connor got a start on dinner, Kevin and Whizzer were left to chat at the poolside.

Kevin let out a groan, “Did Connor talk to you?”

Whizzer laughed, “He didn’t need to.”

That was a good sign, right? He didn’t seem frustrated or upset or anything. More…amused.

“You know me,” Kevin said awkwardly, in lieu of coming up with anything better.

Whizzer sighed, staring out at the pool, its crystal surface shining as it reflected the yellowy-orange of the tail-end of the sunset.

His gaze drew distant and glazed, and for a moment Kevin thought he’d gotten lost again, wherever it was his mind went when he disappeared. But then he spoke.

“Marv used to be a romantic.”

Startled, Kevin jerked his head. “I – what?”

“I mean, it was just sex when we first met – just another job for me. Another high-rate closet-case. He was rich and horny, I was sleeping rough – it was a match only Heavenly Father could make.”

There was something insatiably bitter in the way he spoke Heavenly Father’s name. Not entirely sure what he was supposed to say, Kevin could only nod.

“But he was…sweet. And romantic – When he wanted to be. He’d…he’d buy me roses…”

His voice got distant. The glaze came back. His head bobbed, and he was lost again.

A few minutes later, he came back.

“I…” He seemed…confused. He blinked. Then again, like he was trying to lift a fog that just wouldn’t go.

“Whizzer…?”

“Uh…” He moved his jaw up and down, like it wouldn’t quite function correctly. “I…wha…?”

It was just a mush of words and Kevin was suddenly viscerally reminded of that first night – or morning, really – when Whizzer was on the phone. When he was unconscious – when they thought he was dead – only for him to wake up, slurring his speech, unable to hold onto a single thread of thought –

He wondered, after everything that happened in Uganda, if that was the scariest moment of his life.

He wondered what it would say about him if he decided that it wasn’t.

So instead of making a decision, he focused on his brother, rubbing his back, murmuring in his ear.

It took hours – well, it felt like it did. In reality, only a few minutes had likely passed, but finally Whizzer seemed to come back to himself, at least somewhat. He still seemed…hazy. Confused. Off-balanced.

“Hey, Whizzer,” Kevin drew his eyeline, “do you think you can get back into your chair?”

A beat of time passed as Whizzer tried to process this. Then another.

His gaze drifted again.

“Whizzer,” Kevin called, more urgently this time.

Should he call Connor over? Should they call an ambulance? This couldn’t be normal, right –?

“Kevin,” Whizzer responded simply, seemingly grasping his surroundings, at least to some extent. “I…What…?”

“Um…we were just going inside,” Kevin said – he just needed to get closer to Connor, he’d know what to do. “Can you get back into your wheelchair, or…?”

“I – oh…yeah…uh…” Whizzer sat back. He blinked, looked over at his wheelchair, seeming to take stock of himself. “I’m cold.”

“We were swimming earlier,” Kevin was well-aware he was not doing a good job of keeping the fear out of his voice, “You’re wet, we should go inside.”

“Wet…” Whizzer echoed disconcertingly empty.

“Yep, come on.”

Fortunately, once Kevin began leading Whizzer’s limbs, he picked up the slack, wrapping his arms around Kevin’s neck as he transferred him from the pool chair into his wheelchair.

“Oh, babe…” was all Connor could say as he saw them return inside, swiftly accepting Whizzer’s chair as Kevin switched off to blankly stir the pasta and rotating sausage as his boyfriend put his brother to bed.

Everything will be alright.

Everything will be alright.

Everything was not feeling alright.

Connor rested his head in the crook of Kevin’s shoulder and stayed, watching the Kielbasa begin to burn.